WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:08.080 Music. 00:00:08.075 --> 00:00:12.885 67 of Waking Up to Narcissism. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family 00:00:12.885 --> 00:00:19.045 therapist, host of the Virtual Couch podcast, and several other podcasts coming soon to a podcast 00:00:19.045 --> 00:00:24.645 network near you. So if you can go check out the show notes, there's a Linktree link that has all 00:00:24.645 --> 00:00:30.805 of the latest information on how to sign up for the newsletter, how to find my $19 mini course for 00:00:30.940 --> 00:00:36.805 things you didn't even know you didn't know about marriage. And people are amazing and wonderful, 00:00:36.805 --> 00:00:40.005 and I have people that will say, how can I, how can I support you? 00:00:40.258 --> 00:00:46.185 Listen to the show. That's a great thing. 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Today, we're. 00:01:25.494 --> 00:01:31.414 Going to talk about regret. I've got an article that I'm going to use as my muse, and we're also 00:01:31.414 --> 00:01:37.089 going to, I'm going to read a poem. I read a poem in last week's episode and received a lot of good 00:01:37.334 --> 00:01:41.014 good feedback from that too. People share in some big emotions, which I'm grateful 00:01:41.014 --> 00:01:46.037 for. The poetry is something that I did not grow up listening to or reading and 00:01:46.134 --> 00:01:55.194 definitely not participating in. My version of poetry really was it had to rhyme and I think I may have even done a joke last week about the, you know, how 00:01:55.194 --> 00:01:58.694 the narcissist hears a poem and they say that's dumb, it doesn't even rhyme and I 00:01:59.094 --> 00:02:08.426 realized, man, that was me. And of course what it felt like to be me in my younger years was not even taking the time to understand or be curious about a poem and 00:02:08.854 --> 00:02:13.874 why someone expresses themselves the way that they do. So if someone finds themselves just 00:02:13.874 --> 00:02:19.049 making an observation, there's a poem and a judgment, that's dumb, it doesn't rhyme, 00:02:19.374 --> 00:02:23.094 that is a sign of emotional immaturity. So it is okay to not know something and to be 00:02:23.094 --> 00:02:27.594 curious about it. The poem I want to read today comes from the Women's Private Facebook 00:02:27.594 --> 00:02:32.444 group and there is a just a beautiful thread in there that talks, I put out a request for. 00:02:32.914 --> 00:02:36.819 Anybody who has poems and there are a lot of them there. So I would love to make this 00:02:36.999 --> 00:02:42.154 a regular feature of Waking Up to Narcissism. This person posted something after the poem 00:02:42.154 --> 00:02:46.234 that I thought would be interesting to read before just to set the stage. They said that 00:02:46.234 --> 00:02:50.134 this poem, the one I'm about to read, this was a few months after she had opened up her 00:02:50.134 --> 00:02:55.954 heart to her spouse and she said this was also the last time. She said that he in essence 00:02:55.954 --> 00:03:00.153 called her naive and delusional because she had explained when you hear this poem that. 00:03:00.754 --> 00:03:05.779 She's really tired of being sad and depressed, and she wanted to find that little girl inside, 00:03:06.292 --> 00:03:11.234 who could see the silver lining in even the most darkest of moments. But the feedback 00:03:11.234 --> 00:03:16.303 that she received, unfortunately, was that when her husband heard that, he said, this 00:03:16.474 --> 00:03:20.394 really makes me uncomfortable, makes me worry about you even more. And she said that he 00:03:20.394 --> 00:03:26.114 went on to quote, which I would assume are some confabulated studies and statistics. 00:03:26.114 --> 00:03:31.374 And she says, blah, blah, blah, that these are the people that feel this way and this 00:03:31.374 --> 00:03:35.494 is why they fail and this is why he can't believe that she opened up and shared those 00:03:35.494 --> 00:03:37.863 things because now he's really concerned. 00:03:38.194 --> 00:03:43.734 And she said that was the day that she felt like her eyes opened wide and she realized 00:03:43.734 --> 00:03:47.394 how often that he would do that, how often he would put her down when she talked about 00:03:47.394 --> 00:03:49.638 her feelings or her hopes or her desires. 00:03:49.874 --> 00:03:53.734 And she said the dam burst and the memories flooded of all the things that she had allowed 00:03:53.932 --> 00:03:57.834 to happen in the relationship and the things that she had allowed herself to go through 00:03:57.911 --> 00:04:02.314 in the relationship and that she had called it normal because up until that point, 00:04:02.314 --> 00:04:07.994 that's what she felt like was love. So, with that said, let me read this poem. 00:04:09.056 --> 00:04:14.026 She wrote, I want to get lost in the stars again. I want to marvel at the beauty of the natural 00:04:14.026 --> 00:04:20.026 world again. I want to look up at the sky and actually see, feel, breathe, just be again. 00:04:20.804 --> 00:04:26.106 It seems so long that the little girl inside of my soul, the very core of my being, had been 00:04:26.106 --> 00:04:33.226 sleeping or suppressed. From the life I am living now, I want to feel the peace and joy inside my 00:04:33.226 --> 00:04:39.142 soul again. When I see the delicate patterns in the petal of a rose, instead I glance, 00:04:39.295 --> 00:04:43.786 then I let it pass my vision as if it weren't even worth the glance in the first place. 00:04:44.642 --> 00:04:49.972 I seek peace in my heart, peace in my soul, peace in my being. I do not seek happiness, 00:04:50.350 --> 00:04:56.746 only the joy that comes with peace of being, feeling, breathing, living. So much of me has 00:04:56.746 --> 00:05:03.666 has been erased or silenced. I feel hollow and blank, numb and quiet, alone. The girl 00:05:03.666 --> 00:05:07.726 who could sit and stare at the stars and feel the little electrical jolt in their stomach 00:05:07.726 --> 00:05:13.826 and blood when a shooting star raced across the dazzling darkness is quiet now. The girl 00:05:13.826 --> 00:05:17.786 that could be completely immersed in the beauty of a single leaf that had drifted from the 00:05:17.786 --> 00:05:22.726 highest branches of the trees, swaying in the breeze, she cannot feel the little spark 00:05:22.726 --> 00:05:26.935 of joy, of wonder, of beauty that that leaf had brought to her before. 00:05:27.766 --> 00:05:29.212 All of this I miss in me. 00:05:30.066 --> 00:05:33.822 Yet I have been told this is normal. That little girl is gone. 00:05:34.137 --> 00:05:38.953 I'm told I need to grow up, let that go and move on because it's not who I am anymore. 00:05:39.547 --> 00:05:45.840 I cannot accept this, but then have to wonder if the one who said this to me knows me better than I know myself. 00:05:46.486 --> 00:05:54.726 I feel so confused at who I am anymore. I'm trying to find her, scrambling before it's too late, before she is nothing and 00:05:54.726 --> 00:05:55.652 I become nothing. 00:05:56.406 --> 00:06:00.135 Without her, I have to find me again. I have to live again. 00:06:00.846 --> 00:06:04.438 Or I fear my soul will die, will sleep and never wake again. 00:06:04.926 --> 00:06:07.202 Hollow, silent, and gone. 00:06:08.255 --> 00:06:29.078 So even breaking down the poem, poetry, I felt such compassion when she said that all of this that she misses in her, that ability to honestly just be present and marvel in the glory of the universe, of God, of a creator, of a leaf floating down from the sky, of the stars in the sky. 00:06:29.078 --> 00:06:34.078 So that is something that you absolutely can still take advantage of as an adult human being. 00:06:34.078 --> 00:06:39.078 It's not childlike. It's just being and doing and appreciating and being in the moment. 00:06:39.078 --> 00:06:44.078 But when she says that she misses that in her, that that little girl is gone, and she said, 00:06:44.078 --> 00:06:48.078 I'm told right there, there's the genesis of our problem. 00:06:48.078 --> 00:06:51.718 I've been told I need to grow up. Now, break that down. 00:06:52.078 --> 00:06:56.078 An immature person, the husband in this situation, telling his wife, 00:06:56.078 --> 00:07:03.304 his wife, you need to grow up. Again, no curiosity there. So if she's saying, I feel sad, I feel 00:07:03.598 --> 00:07:08.798 depressed, I feel alone, I wish I could just go out and look at the stars again. The answer, the 00:07:08.798 --> 00:07:13.278 way to connect with someone that is expressing that is to say, thank you so much for sharing 00:07:13.278 --> 00:07:17.918 that. And what is that like? And when do you feel like you lost that ability and tell me more? And 00:07:17.918 --> 00:07:22.878 how can we get it? And what can we do? How can I help you? How can I support you? Because I care 00:07:22.878 --> 00:07:29.518 about you, not, well, you need to grow up, you need to move on. Because she says, it's not who I am 00:07:29.518 --> 00:07:34.318 anymore. She says, I can't accept that. But is the one telling me this, does this person know me 00:07:34.318 --> 00:07:40.318 better than I know myself? The answer to that is no. The absolute truth of that is no. If you are 00:07:40.318 --> 00:07:44.638 in a position where you are wondering if other people know you better than yourself, your feelings 00:07:44.638 --> 00:07:48.798 have been suppressed, your emotions have been suppressed, and you have not been in a healthy 00:07:48.798 --> 00:07:52.478 relationship, whether it's with a parent, whether it's with an adult child, whether it's with a 00:07:52.478 --> 00:07:57.838 sibling, whether it's an organization, a company, a job, a religious institution, and especially in 00:07:57.838 --> 00:08:03.358 a marriage or a relationship. The way to live and to grow is to be asked, what is your experience? 00:08:03.358 --> 00:08:07.918 How do you feel? What would you like? What do you think? None of those have to do with, 00:08:08.706 --> 00:08:14.026 you shouldn't, you need to, do you know what this means to me? There's no curiosity. 00:08:14.206 --> 00:08:16.158 So that poem just speaks volumes. 00:08:17.393 --> 00:08:22.182 Okay, let's get to the article that we're going to talk about today. It is how to move past regret. 00:08:22.344 --> 00:08:27.163 This is by Cian Ferguson and medically reviewed by Bethany Juby, who has her doctorate in 00:08:27.163 --> 00:08:33.163 psychology. And this is on psychcentral.com. Again, how to move past regret. So I want to read 00:08:33.246 --> 00:08:38.203 and then in essence, react and give some commentary. And not in the, this is the dumbest 00:08:38.203 --> 00:08:41.963 article kind of way, but in the thank you for putting this article out because it brings up 00:08:41.963 --> 00:08:43.243 of so many thoughts and emotions. 00:08:43.922 --> 00:08:48.403 So Cian says, regret is a common feeling that has both negative and positive 00:08:48.403 --> 00:08:54.283 effects, knowing how to move past and learn from them is key to your overall wellbeing. 00:08:54.815 --> 00:08:58.883 And I will talk a little bit more in depth about that moving past. What does that mean? 00:08:59.406 --> 00:09:03.403 So Cian says, regrets a feeling based on the idea that you could have acted 00:09:03.403 --> 00:09:06.077 differently to produce a more desirable outcome. 00:09:06.464 --> 00:09:08.859 So let's start there. Regret is absolutely normal. 00:09:09.165 --> 00:09:11.956 And when we say, man, if only I had done this, 00:09:12.172 --> 00:09:13.594 then things would have been different. 00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:17.150 We start moving into the world of acceptance because the reality is, yeah, 00:09:17.366 --> 00:09:21.803 now we don't know what those outcomes would have been, but had I done a lot of different things, 00:09:22.002 --> 00:09:23.532 that there would definitely be different outcomes. 00:09:24.003 --> 00:09:27.061 Before becoming a therapist, when I was coming out of the high tech field, 00:09:27.243 --> 00:09:31.175 I interviewed to be a pharmaceutical sales rep as well as a financial planner 00:09:31.523 --> 00:09:34.963 and got a little bit far along the process of the pharmaceutical sales rep. 00:09:34.963 --> 00:09:37.513 Actually, I think I talked about this on a virtual couch episode. 00:09:37.963 --> 00:09:44.083 I found a letter and some stuff that I didn't even realize I still had from Apple Computer. 00:09:44.083 --> 00:09:48.163 And I had gone a little bit far down looking at this director of marketing position after 00:09:48.163 --> 00:09:50.723 I came out of 10 years in the computer software business. 00:09:50.723 --> 00:09:53.870 And I was devastated that I did not get that job. 00:09:54.063 --> 00:09:56.323 It was close to my house. I use Apple products. 00:09:56.323 --> 00:10:00.190 I had worked for Apple Macintosh Computer Software Company for 10 years. 00:10:00.763 --> 00:10:09.203 So that was, I was making my way to the mothership. And had that happened, I would like to think that I would have enjoyed it and I would have 00:10:09.363 --> 00:10:10.203 thrived. 00:10:10.203 --> 00:10:15.163 But oh my goodness, I can't imagine not being a therapist and not being able to do the work 00:10:15.163 --> 00:10:19.121 I do and being able to learn the things I've learned from a place of even just self-discovery 00:10:19.455 --> 00:10:20.363 and self-confrontation. 00:10:20.958 --> 00:10:27.583 So, is there regret? Well, there was for a while when I was in grad school and when I was struggling to get 00:10:27.583 --> 00:10:32.223 my practice going and I had had my podcast equipment for a year or two without actually 00:10:32.223 --> 00:10:33.399 having produced a podcast. 00:10:33.803 --> 00:10:38.083 Was a lot of regret, a lot of regret that I did not find something else in that computer 00:10:38.083 --> 00:10:43.883 field. But now I can't even imagine if that would have gone through. But Sian says regret 00:10:43.883 --> 00:10:47.903 can be accompanied by guilt, embarrassment, self-blame. It can include asking yourself 00:10:47.903 --> 00:10:51.443 a lot of hypothetical questions. What if I would have acted differently? What if I took 00:10:51.443 --> 00:10:56.343 that opportunity? What if I didn't say what I said? And the reason that I find this particularly 00:10:56.343 --> 00:11:01.063 fascinating for the waking up the narcissism audience is that what if I had act differently? 00:11:01.729 --> 00:11:05.499 What if I would have done a lot of things differently? And often when somebody is coming 00:11:05.499 --> 00:11:10.539 out of a trauma bond and they are starting to stand up for themselves and now they are being 00:11:10.539 --> 00:11:15.422 gaslit, those new buttons that get pressed, which is what happens when you start to come out of that, 00:11:15.863 --> 00:11:22.379 your role in the family system, your role of a fixer, of buffer, of provider, of caregiver. 00:11:22.379 --> 00:11:25.899 When you start to say, hey, it's okay for me to have thoughts and feelings as well. I'm going to 00:11:25.899 --> 00:11:30.539 start setting boundaries. Some of the new buttons that get pressed are this would be different if 00:11:30.539 --> 00:11:34.479 if you would have only paid more attention to me when we were younger, when we were earlier 00:11:34.479 --> 00:11:37.779 in the relationship, or if you would have supported me more when I was in school, or 00:11:37.779 --> 00:11:41.573 again, telling the other person if you would have only done these things. 00:11:42.299 --> 00:11:46.819 So then when you feel that discomfort, that's where that regret comes in. 00:11:46.819 --> 00:11:48.901 And oftentimes, man, I don't like feeling the way I did. 00:11:49.739 --> 00:11:55.619 Maybe he's right, or maybe she is right. Maybe if I would have just done these things differently five years ago, things would be 00:11:55.619 --> 00:11:56.922 so much different now. 00:11:57.399 --> 00:12:00.059 Now the reality is they would, but not in the way that you're thinking. 00:12:00.059 --> 00:12:04.259 Doesn't mean that, oh, then everything would be better now. No, in reality, it might have 00:12:04.259 --> 00:12:09.499 actually sped up the process of you starting to become frustrated or realizing that, hey, 00:12:09.499 --> 00:12:14.299 this, that something's wrong in this relationship. But again, Cian says, because you can't go 00:12:14.299 --> 00:12:18.059 back in time, you'll never know the answer to those questions. And for that reason, you 00:12:18.059 --> 00:12:21.219 might ruminate about it. Ruminating. We're going to talk a lot about that today. Thinking. 00:12:21.539 --> 00:12:26.179 The same thoughts over and over again, wondering what could have happened. I feel like rumination 00:12:26.179 --> 00:12:33.059 is it is a waste of emotional time and calories, energy and effort. I feel like at some point, 00:12:33.059 --> 00:12:36.779 the more that people ruminate, the more that I hear another phrase come in right behind 00:12:36.901 --> 00:12:41.499 it. I just get exhausted when not me as I'm hearing it, although maybe there's some truth 00:12:41.499 --> 00:12:45.859 in that, but people that are just saying, I just think about it and I overthink about 00:12:45.859 --> 00:12:50.299 it and then I just get, I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. And that's where I feel like your 00:12:50.299 --> 00:12:55.179 own brain is still trying to get you to do something different. So at some point after 00:12:55.179 --> 00:12:58.779 it says, okay, you have you ruminated long enough because I think you're trying to solve 00:12:58.779 --> 00:13:03.619 for some equation that you won't get an answer for. Let's just put you to sleep here. Let's 00:13:03.619 --> 00:13:08.059 have you sleep this one off. Maybe tomorrow you won't ruminate so much. So, as Cian says, 00:13:08.059 --> 00:13:11.139 you might regret something even when realistically there's absolutely nothing that you could 00:13:11.139 --> 00:13:14.059 have done. And often in the relationships, there's not a lot you could have done. And 00:13:14.059 --> 00:13:18.739 here's why, because you didn't, because you didn't know what you didn't know. So that's 00:13:18.739 --> 00:13:22.179 the ultimate. I almost feel like this is one of those situations where I'll go to a movie 00:13:22.179 --> 00:13:26.459 at times. I remember a James Bond movie once where I think he was going and jumping out 00:13:26.459 --> 00:13:30.859 of a train that was going across a bridge. And sometimes I'll laugh to myself that, 00:13:30.859 --> 00:13:33.759 oh, what if he wouldn't have been able to get out of that train and then the train blew 00:13:34.030 --> 00:13:37.739 up and the bridge fell? Well, it's about a 10-minute movie, which of course wouldn't 00:13:37.739 --> 00:13:39.845 happen because that would not be the way the movie was made. 00:13:40.419 --> 00:13:44.059 But there's a part of me that does feel like when we say, why? Why do we regret? Why do 00:13:44.059 --> 00:13:48.730 we ruminate? That the reality of it is because we do. And we're trying to make sense of things 00:13:49.019 --> 00:13:51.379 that just will not make perfect sense. 00:13:51.926 --> 00:13:56.919 And so if the answer truly is why, well, because you do, what do I do about it? 00:13:56.919 --> 00:13:59.857 Hell don't. Which I know it's not that easy. 00:14:00.523 --> 00:14:04.727 So, Cian says, the feeling of regret itself isn't proof that you did the wrong thing. 00:14:05.093 --> 00:14:08.139 You might just simply have complicated feelings about your experience. 00:14:08.853 --> 00:14:16.013 So why? Why is regret harmful? According to a 2015 study, people who are prone to regret are more likely to experience 00:14:16.013 --> 00:14:19.093 depression, hopelessness, suicidal ideation. 00:14:19.093 --> 00:14:24.333 Regret is associated with higher levels of cortisol. We talk a lot about that on Waking Up to Narcissism. 00:14:24.333 --> 00:14:28.034 Cortisol known as the stress hormone. Cortisol helps you when you enter fight or flight mode. 00:14:28.733 --> 00:14:32.688 Chronically high levels of cortisol are associated with mental and physical health problems. 00:14:33.293 --> 00:14:38.413 So that cortisol keeps you out of your prefrontal cortex or your frontal lobe or the area of 00:14:38.413 --> 00:14:41.835 your brain that makes more logical sense or decisions. 00:14:42.453 --> 00:14:47.613 So if those cortisol levels are high, your heart rate is elevated and you are, I feel 00:14:47.613 --> 00:14:52.453 like ruminating is one of those things that just brings on just more and more frustration 00:14:52.453 --> 00:14:56.931 and that frustration raises your heart rate and raising your heart rate elevates your cortisol levels. 00:14:57.535 --> 00:15:02.027 And so it does become this vicious cycle. Sands said, many people ruminate about regrets, 00:15:02.613 --> 00:15:07.333 and then rumination. So rumination is when you can't stop thinking about the past, even when you are having 00:15:07.333 --> 00:15:09.346 the same thoughts over and over again. 00:15:09.973 --> 00:15:13.243 So with rumination, the thoughts are negative or they're upsetting in nature. 00:15:13.733 --> 00:15:17.593 Sands says, although most people ruminate, rumination is associated with certain mental health 00:15:17.593 --> 00:15:21.796 conditions, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. 00:15:21.893 --> 00:15:23.677 Those are the top four, I believe. 00:15:23.933 --> 00:15:29.051 They say it's not possible to avoid regret entirely, but managing regret in a healthy, positive way, 00:15:29.633 --> 00:15:31.257 can help you learn from the experience. 00:15:31.893 --> 00:15:36.573 So why, why do we regret? I feel, I believe that this is where the brain, 00:15:36.573 --> 00:15:37.892 again, wants certainty. 00:15:38.413 --> 00:15:45.253 And it feels like if it can figure out what happened, and as if there is this tangible two plus two 00:15:45.253 --> 00:15:50.063 equals four aha moment that will happen in the brain, the brain desperately craves that. 00:15:50.153 --> 00:15:53.813 Because again, we don't like uncertainty, and we don't like sitting with discomfort, 00:15:53.813 --> 00:15:55.869 and uncertainty breeds discomfort. 00:15:56.598 --> 00:16:02.848 So when we are feeling uncertain and that makes us feel uncomfortable, instead of just being. 00:16:03.584 --> 00:16:10.288 Breathing, and then moving on, we feel like, no, I have to figure this out. Why? What if I would 00:16:10.288 --> 00:16:15.568 have done this? Why did I do this? Why didn't I do this? And again, that causes our heart rate to 00:16:15.568 --> 00:16:22.048 elevate. So the antidote to that is acknowledging that happened, acknowledging I am noticing I am 00:16:22.048 --> 00:16:25.325 I am ruminating and then not trying to say don't ruminate 00:16:25.528 --> 00:16:29.248 because don't think about a polar bear, don't think about a wombat, 00:16:29.248 --> 00:16:30.248 I don't even know what those look like, 00:16:30.519 --> 00:16:32.716 but maybe we're trying to all think about what that is now. 00:16:33.188 --> 00:16:37.748 But don't think about something, I will think about that. So instead of don't ruminate, I'm noticing, 00:16:37.888 --> 00:16:39.116 I'm noticing that I'm ruminating. 00:16:40.008 --> 00:16:48.688 So that feels much more calming than what is wrong with me, because that too, nothing, nothing is wrong with you, 00:16:48.688 --> 00:16:50.270 you are just going through a moment 00:16:50.688 --> 00:16:55.896 for the very first time in your life, which is causing you to ruminate and causing you to have regret. 00:16:56.568 --> 00:17:00.253 And I'm noticing all of those things. Those are definitely things. 00:17:00.808 --> 00:17:04.773 I'm also noticing right now that I'm wondering if I should edit out the part about a wombat. 00:17:05.148 --> 00:17:09.928 I'm also noticing that I want to pull up another tab and look up and see what a wombat is. 00:17:09.928 --> 00:17:13.308 I'm also noticing that I want to know that maybe I'll put a picture of that 00:17:13.308 --> 00:17:15.323 in the social media post that will go up. 00:17:16.288 --> 00:17:20.518 But those are all just things I'm noticing. and I don't need to tell myself, 00:17:20.948 --> 00:17:23.128 oh my gosh, what is wrong with me for thinking those things? 00:17:23.128 --> 00:17:25.100 Well, nothing, I'm just noticing I'm thinking them. 00:17:25.968 --> 00:17:30.008 And instead of saying stop thinking about them, well, literally as I'm telling you that right now, 00:17:30.008 --> 00:17:33.949 I'm now trying to really think hard about, well, what is, again, what is a wombat? 00:17:34.608 --> 00:17:37.703 But the antidote, the answer is I'm noticing. 00:17:38.408 --> 00:17:43.149 And that is a thing, and back to the present, and actually literally right now, 00:17:43.648 --> 00:17:50.504 and get back to talking about the subject today rather than going on and on about this wombat. 00:17:51.588 --> 00:17:57.112 So it's not possible to avoid regret, but managing it in a healthy way can help you learn. 00:17:57.728 --> 00:18:03.148 So San goes on to say, can regrets be a positive thing? So regret is a healthy, common feeling 00:18:03.148 --> 00:18:04.638 that most people feel once in a while. 00:18:04.968 --> 00:18:08.077 And let's talk about, they say that the benefits of regret can include 00:18:08.348 --> 00:18:10.921 improving your decision-making skills. 00:18:11.128 --> 00:18:15.628 So while you can't avoid mistakes altogether, regretting past decisions can actually help you 00:18:15.628 --> 00:18:18.447 make better, more thoughtful choices in the future. What would that look like? 00:18:19.028 --> 00:18:24.137 That if I regret a past decision. So I'll give you a, might sound a little bit simplistic, 00:18:24.588 --> 00:18:28.593 but I do, I do regret that I bought all this podcast equipment and then I sat on it 00:18:28.708 --> 00:18:31.743 and I worried and I ruminated and I had imposter syndrome 00:18:32.088 --> 00:18:37.348 and I went through all the feelings and emotions of why it would be embarrassing to put out a podcast 00:18:37.348 --> 00:18:39.972 and I'm not even sure exactly what I'm doing and what if people don't listen? 00:18:40.348 --> 00:18:45.715 And I do, I regret that I went through that intense period of rumination and feeling like an imposter. 00:18:46.615 --> 00:18:56.086 How does that help me make more thoughtful choices now that I'm learning to trust my gut and to go forward with my instincts because. 00:18:56.743 --> 00:19:12.866 Yeah, all those things could have happened. No one could have ever listened. I could have been made fun of continually, but knowing that as I then took action on this thing that I thought was important to me, then I felt more of a sense of purpose and peace, then I can learn from that. 00:19:13.154 --> 00:19:24.695 They gonna say regret can motivate you sometimes you can motivate you to perform better take healthy risks focus your energy on what matters to you i feel like we can almost plug in that this podcast example for for several of these benefits of regret. 00:19:25.307 --> 00:19:30.465 Can you be more self aware your regrets might teach you about your values your strengths and your weaknesses. 00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:37.388 Over on the virtual couch side of things i feel like i went through a little period a few weeks ago of talking an awful lot about self confrontation. 00:19:37.829 --> 00:19:44.125 So any of the feelings, regret, sadness, fear, anger, that if you really look at those as a guide 00:19:44.125 --> 00:19:47.785 and as a teacher and learn to not push them away, but learn how to accept them, 00:19:47.785 --> 00:19:51.396 how to take them in in their entirety as they are without defense, 00:19:51.885 --> 00:19:53.637 then now I'm noticing regret. 00:19:54.045 --> 00:19:58.185 And so how can I self-confront? What is that regret telling me? What's the story? 00:19:58.318 --> 00:20:01.725 That there's this fear of failure or there's this fear of, again, 00:20:01.725 --> 00:20:04.053 being exposed as an imposter. 00:20:04.645 --> 00:20:08.685 So then I can now self-reflect. I can self-confront and then I can say, 00:20:08.685 --> 00:20:12.974 okay, well, what do I need to do there? Do I need to do more research before I put episodes out? 00:20:13.405 --> 00:20:17.583 Or do I just need to acknowledge that those are stories my brain is telling me? 00:20:18.285 --> 00:20:22.245 But I won't get to that self-confrontation without feeling those uncomfortable feelings, 00:20:22.245 --> 00:20:23.471 including things like regret. 00:20:24.173 --> 00:20:29.349 Regret can inspire gratitude. They said that you can use your regret to fuel a deeper appreciation, 00:20:29.889 --> 00:20:33.703 for the decisions you don't regret and the positive things you have in your life. I love 00:20:33.703 --> 00:20:39.054 that reframe because as I'm talking about all the lessons that I have learned from regret being. 00:20:40.263 --> 00:20:46.663 To do and be more, to take action more, to trust my gut more, but I also like the fact that okay, 00:20:46.663 --> 00:20:51.703 but there are things that thankfully decisions made that I don't regret. The decision to go 00:20:51.703 --> 00:20:57.967 back to grad school in my early 30s. The decision to go from just making therapy almost a hobby 00:20:58.346 --> 00:21:04.063 to then jumping in with both feet and going into private practice. I was not a small business 00:21:04.494 --> 00:21:09.943 owner, so this is something that was, I did make certain decisions. So, those are decisions 00:21:09.943 --> 00:21:14.783 that I absolutely do not regret. So, with this said, Stan says if your regret is excessive 00:21:14.783 --> 00:21:19.420 or obsessive, then it could do more harm than good. And this is especially the case if you 00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:23.503 linger on regretful thoughts for far too long, or if you find it hard to think of anything 00:21:23.503 --> 00:21:24.389 other than your regrets. 00:21:25.023 --> 00:21:30.538 And if that is part of your experience, I really do hope that you are working with a professional. 00:21:30.703 --> 00:21:34.783 Find someone that really does understand the way the brain works. 00:21:34.783 --> 00:21:40.332 I highly recommend things like a mindfulness practice or a technique, but start to do the work. 00:21:40.503 --> 00:21:45.418 And if you find certain programs or tools or books or therapists or podcasts, 00:21:45.903 --> 00:21:49.003 and they give you that little bump of dopamine and I feel like I'm on a roll 00:21:49.003 --> 00:21:50.081 and I'm starting to understand, 00:21:50.603 --> 00:21:56.423 and then you just become a human being again, and then you don't continue with consistency 00:21:56.423 --> 00:21:58.463 of whatever the thing is that you felt like was helping. 00:21:59.183 --> 00:22:00.632 Then again, you're normal. 00:22:00.823 --> 00:22:05.083 You're a regular human being, and so when you notice that you are no longer doing 00:22:05.083 --> 00:22:09.823 this exercise or this program, or you've stopped reading this book or going and getting help, 00:22:10.472 --> 00:22:12.974 then just give yourself grace and just... 00:22:13.866 --> 00:22:23.016 Rinse and repeat, return and then start to do again. Or if it's something that then you, it took you a certain way, let's use a 100-yard football field analogy. 00:22:23.016 --> 00:22:30.484 If now that you're aware and you're trying to do something new and a particular book or program or podcast got you to the 30-yard line, 00:22:30.961 --> 00:22:37.668 then what's going to take you the next 20 yards or what's going to take you the next 40 yards or what's going to get you closer and closer to the goalpost? 00:22:38.280 --> 00:22:51.000 It might be a new program or a new book or a new podcast or it might be going now to see a coach or than a therapist or it could be a progression it could be linear it could be eclectic you could have all sorts of things happening. 00:22:51.423 --> 00:22:58.130 Is this is your customized treatment plan life in itself is your customized treatment plan because you're the only one living as you. 00:22:58.562 --> 00:23:04.278 So find the things that work and if they work until they don't then welcome to human beingness. 00:23:04.899 --> 00:23:09.031 And if you find that, okay, it's working, but then I just stop doing, 00:23:09.509 --> 00:23:13.622 but I do feel like that will work, once again, that's part of the human experience. 00:23:14.296 --> 00:23:18.133 So instead of beating yourself up or saying that this didn't work or what's wrong with me, 00:23:18.456 --> 00:23:22.427 I'm noticing that now I haven't done whatever the thing was that was working for a few days, 00:23:23.016 --> 00:23:26.586 give myself grace and I'm back to the present and I continue to do. 00:23:27.496 --> 00:23:33.779 What are common regrets? 2018 review found that the ideal related regrets are more endearing, 00:23:34.346 --> 00:23:35.417 Wait, there's the wrong word. 00:23:35.516 --> 00:23:40.503 Yeah, all those ideal-related regrets, the pain of regretting failures and decisions, 00:23:40.856 --> 00:23:44.743 not living up to your goals and acting as if you're like your ideal self. 00:23:45.276 --> 00:23:52.036 How endearing are those? No, they're not. So, ideal-related regrets are more enduring and painful 00:23:52.036 --> 00:23:54.313 than regretting other kinds of failures and decisions. 00:23:54.716 --> 00:24:00.857 Ideal-related regrets are about not living up to your goals and acting as you'd like your ideal self to act. 00:24:01.830 --> 00:24:17.287 And what I think can be challenging with this concept is that we often set the tone and the stage of our lives when we are eight years old or when we're 10 or when we're 12 or I want to be a pirate, I want to be an astronaut, I want to live on the beach, I want to be a baseball player. 00:24:17.791 --> 00:24:25.047 And so then if we hit our 20s and all of a sudden we aren't doing those things, we can have this regret that we're not living our ideal life. 00:24:25.677 --> 00:24:32.293 When in reality, we are just continuing to live and we might have started on the path of the direction that we are heading, 00:24:33.112 --> 00:24:42.754 based off of some things that we thought were going to be there the rest of our lives that we were told by our parents or society or things that we just made a decision about in our youth. 00:24:43.258 --> 00:24:55.978 So it's absolutely normal to grow and change and evolve and take in new information and have new feelings and thoughts because that's part of, again, part of the experience of living and becoming more emotionally mature. 00:24:56.807 --> 00:25:01.722 But then a 2016 study based on a survey then ranked the participants most intense regrets. 00:25:02.118 --> 00:25:08.660 And in order of importance, it found that people typically regret, number one, decisions that broke their own life rules. 00:25:08.660 --> 00:25:11.282 In other words, decisions that went against their morals and values. 00:25:11.552 --> 00:25:14.199 Number two, decisions that relate to relationships with others. 00:25:14.757 --> 00:25:17.890 And number three, decisions that lacked an explicit justification. 00:25:18.736 --> 00:25:22.560 Let me go back to number one, the decisions that broke their own life rules. 00:25:22.560 --> 00:25:27.060 I want to go right back to that, these regretting your, these ideal related regrets. 00:25:27.060 --> 00:25:29.026 So decisions that broke your own life rules. 00:25:29.314 --> 00:25:34.184 I once had that thought or feeling that if I made a decision and I just said I will, 00:25:34.715 --> 00:25:39.864 I will never do, I don't know, I fill in the blank. I will never do a certain thing if I am put in that position. 00:25:40.060 --> 00:25:41.233 It feels really good. 00:25:41.460 --> 00:25:45.842 It gets rid of a lot of discomfort. It gives you this sense of purpose and confidence. 00:25:46.340 --> 00:25:51.702 But then you get put in that situation and now it's the first time that you're in that situation. 00:25:52.220 --> 00:25:58.382 And what do you do? I may be an example that is not one that I have absolutely lived and I'm doing this on the fly, 00:25:58.620 --> 00:26:01.660 but I was talking to somebody a couple of days ago that they were talking about someone 00:26:01.660 --> 00:26:04.684 that just took action in a moment of intense, 00:26:04.980 --> 00:26:09.680 something happened and something happened on an airplane and they jumped right to it and they took action. 00:26:10.140 --> 00:26:17.700 So you may say right now that I solemnly swear and raise my right hand that if someone has a moment, 00:26:17.700 --> 00:26:21.599 if they're having some problem on an airplane, I am gonna jump up, 00:26:22.157 --> 00:26:25.443 even though I'm gonna feel uncomfortable, and I am gonna go and I am gonna try to help. 00:26:25.800 --> 00:26:27.468 Even if it's just to say, what can I do? 00:26:28.189 --> 00:26:41.710 But then you are now on a plane and perhaps it happens to be an international flight that's 11 hours to tokyo and you didn't sleep the night before and you've been nodding in and out of sleep and you're sitting in the middle seat beside two very very large people. 00:26:42.313 --> 00:26:50.676 And they're hanging all over your seat and you thought you'd enjoy this particular book and you're not and so you have a headache and a migraine and all the sudden somebody goes into. 00:26:51.090 --> 00:26:56.366 I don't know if they're having an issue and so and you all the sudden say i still have any. 00:26:57.050 --> 00:27:01.344 So now you may have regret that I just broke my own life rule. 00:27:01.659 --> 00:27:04.216 This goes against my morals and values to help somebody. 00:27:04.801 --> 00:27:10.419 But in that very moment, it's a whole new situation. So I know that sounds a bit like a hypothetical. 00:27:10.742 --> 00:27:14.419 I did fly to Russia once in the computer software, my computer software life, 00:27:14.419 --> 00:27:18.250 and I was literally between two very, very large people. 00:27:18.619 --> 00:27:22.419 And I did have a book that was very boring, but no one went into cardiac arrest, 00:27:22.419 --> 00:27:24.419 and I didn't have to help or save anyone. 00:27:25.434 --> 00:27:32.419 But give yourself grace. It is absolutely wonderful to set goals and make decisions of the things that you want to do with your life. 00:27:32.419 --> 00:27:38.419 Because in that moment that you are making that goal or that decision, then it brings you a sense of calm and a sense of peace. 00:27:38.419 --> 00:27:42.394 And it may even be your value-based goal in that very moment. 00:27:43.015 --> 00:27:46.419 But then when life happens, and it's not something that you just drilled through. 00:27:46.419 --> 00:27:50.298 I mean, I think about professional athletes. I've had the opportunity to work with a couple. 00:27:50.811 --> 00:27:57.455 And the just muscle memory and the repetition. The reason why those 10,000 or more hours of practice occur, 00:27:58.059 --> 00:28:03.939 is because when you then are in an intense moment, a pressure-filled moment, trying to hit a free throw 00:28:04.009 --> 00:28:06.859 with no time left on the clock, with 17,000 people in an arena, 00:28:06.859 --> 00:28:08.960 not your home arena, and they are booing you, 00:28:09.539 --> 00:28:12.003 you have to just go into this muscle memory mode. 00:28:12.659 --> 00:28:19.059 But if you are an amazing rec player and you never played in front of large crowds or gyms, 00:28:19.547 --> 00:28:24.179 and you haven't sat there and just hit thousands and thousands of free throws 00:28:24.179 --> 00:28:27.539 repetitively at the end of a practice and then all of a sudden you're given 00:28:27.539 --> 00:28:30.419 this opportunity to play in the NBA and you find yourself in a playoff game and 00:28:30.419 --> 00:28:38.219 now you've got to make this free throw to win the game and you have 16,000 fans booing at you, you're gonna lose your stuff. I mean you're gonna be in 00:28:38.219 --> 00:28:44.379 danger of soiling yourself because that moment is gonna be terrifying even though you may have dreamed your whole life, 00:28:44.379 --> 00:28:45.446 I want that moment. 00:28:46.292 --> 00:28:50.352 But it's that professional athlete that is just put in the time over and over the muscle memory. 00:28:50.767 --> 00:28:55.051 So the reason I give that example is you can say I am going to be a person that takes action. 00:28:55.475 --> 00:28:59.022 I'm a person that is going to be there for my spouse. If someone costs me in a park, 00:28:59.022 --> 00:29:05.422 I'm going to say, how dare you? But then you're not in there at the end of practice of being 00:29:05.422 --> 00:29:09.342 accosted at the park, putting in those reps. So now when you are accosted in the park. 00:29:09.977 --> 00:29:14.782 And you're reaching in your spouse's back pocket to hand over the wallet when they really were just 00:29:14.782 --> 00:29:18.542 asking for, I don't know, something that wasn't their wallet, and then you say, 00:29:18.542 --> 00:29:23.182 oh my gosh, I'm such a horrible person. No, you are just in life for the very first time 00:29:23.182 --> 00:29:28.576 making those decisions. So, that regret, the common regrets, give yourself grace. 00:29:28.801 --> 00:29:33.902 The study also found that people were more likely to regret inaction than action. In other words, 00:29:33.902 --> 00:29:38.782 you're more likely to regret the things you didn't do as opposed to the things you did do. Amen to 00:29:38.782 --> 00:29:44.906 that one. I would rather have someone take action and then have that data to process than have. 00:29:45.342 --> 00:29:51.902 Regret and wish, man, if only I would have done fill in the blank. I hesitate because what if I 00:29:51.902 --> 00:29:57.582 don't get this filmed? But there is an upcoming virtual summit. I'll just put it that way that 00:29:57.582 --> 00:30:04.222 I'm participating in that if I complete my portion of that, it's something that I did not do last 00:30:04.222 --> 00:30:09.502 year because I just read the title and I thought, eh, it's not something I'm really necessarily 00:30:09.502 --> 00:30:15.582 interested in. I was invited to participate in it again this year and I saw a lot of the other 00:30:15.582 --> 00:30:20.462 participants from last year, so maybe it was a FOMO, fear of missing out, but the topic that I 00:30:20.462 --> 00:30:25.102 was asked to present on is about, it's about couples and it's about how to, the anatomy of a 00:30:25.102 --> 00:30:34.462 healthy relationship and I love talking about that. So, I did, I regretted that I didn't do this last year. 00:30:33.176 --> 00:30:41.026 So I am absolutely regretting the thing that I didn't do versus there are things that I have done that maybe there's been a little bit of regret of. 00:30:41.026 --> 00:30:48.026 I've been on a couple of podcasts I did not absolutely prepare for, meaning that I did not read about, meaning that I didn't even know some of the questions that I would be asked. 00:30:48.026 --> 00:30:52.026 And there's been a couple of those that have been definitely something that has caused a little bit of regret. 00:30:52.026 --> 00:31:00.399 But it doesn't feel like the intense or the more powerful regret that comes from, I wish I would have taken action or done fill in the blank. 00:31:01.461 --> 00:31:05.786 Zan says, how to stop thinking about regrets. So, and I could have some fun with that one 00:31:06.170 --> 00:31:10.386 just because I like to talk about how to stop thinking. You know, my brain right there is like, 00:31:10.386 --> 00:31:11.391 I will continue to think them. 00:31:12.046 --> 00:31:15.874 But let's talk about some strategies of being able to move past or through regret. 00:31:16.566 --> 00:31:19.898 So again, Zan says it's okay to have regrets. As mentioned, they might even be beneficial. 00:31:20.426 --> 00:31:23.022 But if you often ruminate on regrets or find yourself having persistent, 00:31:23.146 --> 00:31:27.010 unproductive thought spirals, you might want to find a way to shift your attention elsewhere. 00:31:27.626 --> 00:31:30.786 Here are some ways to press pause on those unconstructive thoughts. 00:31:30.786 --> 00:31:33.050 Number one, practice mindfulness. 00:31:33.286 --> 00:31:39.136 Oh, I cannot say this enough, and it's probably been five minutes since I've said it on a podcast. 00:31:39.906 --> 00:31:43.186 Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness. 25% of the people that walk into my office 00:31:43.186 --> 00:31:47.346 when I suggest mindfulness are gonna just tune me right out and never even think about it again. 00:31:47.826 --> 00:31:51.746 And when I bring it up, they're gonna be like, right, right, mindfulness, presence, whatever that was. 00:31:51.746 --> 00:31:52.540 Breathe, I'm breathing. 00:31:53.326 --> 00:31:59.066 Another 25% are going to then leave and they are gonna download some mindfulness app, 00:31:59.066 --> 00:32:02.266 they're gonna find mindfulness meditation tracks on YouTube, 00:32:02.266 --> 00:32:08.466 or they're going to just scour the internet for mindfulness scripts, and they're gonna do it. 00:32:08.466 --> 00:32:11.666 And they're gonna come back and they're gonna say, hey, I've been meditating for a week, 00:32:11.666 --> 00:32:13.849 and man, I'm starting to really feel like that's a thing. 00:32:14.186 --> 00:32:16.603 And I'll say, wait, what'd you do? You already did that? 00:32:16.986 --> 00:32:22.455 And that's that person that will say, well, I'm here. I mean, I wanna change, I'm taking action. 00:32:22.946 --> 00:32:29.006 And that person's growth will accelerate, it really will. And then 50% of the people I talk to are gonna say, 00:32:29.006 --> 00:32:33.886 I'm on it. And then next week you're gonna say, hey, what was the thing again? The mind mind space 00:32:33.886 --> 00:32:39.886 or mind mind heads thing. And then we're gonna talk about mindfulness. I particularly am a fan 00:32:39.886 --> 00:32:43.726 of headspace, but there are a lot of apps and that that's gonna be repeated a few times. They 00:32:43.726 --> 00:32:47.646 might even download the app. They might do it for a couple of days and say, hey, I did like that. 00:32:47.646 --> 00:32:52.766 And I so I get it now. How are you? You don't bless your heart. A consistent mindfulness practice 00:32:52.766 --> 00:32:58.766 is gonna then eventually help you put that pause in so that you can be in that moment. So that is 00:32:58.766 --> 00:33:02.526 That is one of the best ways to notice that I am regretting something, notice that I am 00:33:02.526 --> 00:33:03.442 having those feelings. 00:33:04.126 --> 00:33:07.772 So then you are focusing on savoring the moment instead of getting caught up in ruminating. 00:33:07.926 --> 00:33:11.086 I'm noticing that I am ruminating and I'm back on savoring this very moment. 00:33:11.086 --> 00:33:13.066 What can I smell? What can I feel? 00:33:13.263 --> 00:33:17.086 What can I do? What can I listen to? What can I touch? What can I dance to? 00:33:17.086 --> 00:33:21.126 There's so many things that you can do in that way to bring you back to present. 00:33:21.546 --> 00:33:25.993 And Sian says this isn't always easy, but mindfulness gets easier with practice and it really does. 00:33:26.749 --> 00:33:31.484 Focus your energy elsewhere. You could try engaging in an art project or reading an absorbing book. 00:33:31.835 --> 00:33:37.799 You can just do. I'm noticing that I am thinking and feeling, and so I don't try to stop it. I 00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:41.855 don't try to change it. I don't say what's wrong with me. I notice it. I say, thank you, body. 00:33:41.963 --> 00:33:45.177 Those are thoughts and feelings, and I am going to pay attention to you more often now. And right. 00:33:45.959 --> 00:33:48.999 Now, I'm going to invite all those thoughts and feelings to come along with me while I make some 00:33:48.999 --> 00:33:54.759 chocolate chip cookies. Exercise. A large 2018 study found that short bursts of exercise reduced 00:33:54.759 --> 00:33:59.922 rumination and improve mood and participants. Drop down and give me 20. Push-ups, sit-ups, 00:34:00.119 --> 00:34:05.959 plank, who knows. Walk with a purpose around a building or wherever you're at, but if you can 00:34:05.959 --> 00:34:12.519 notice that I am ruminating or regretting and then give yourself grace and then exercise. Go and do. 00:34:12.642 --> 00:34:17.879 Because here's one of the things that you're also doing. You are starting to create new relational 00:34:17.879 --> 00:34:22.419 frames. When I recognize that I'm ruminating, then I come back to the present moment. That's 00:34:22.519 --> 00:34:23.553 That's what mindfulness does. 00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:27.879 Or when I notice that I am regretting or ruminating, then I am doing pushups. 00:34:27.879 --> 00:34:32.079 And over time, your brain will even start having you get down into the pushup position 00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:35.886 when you notice that you are ruminating because your brain likes, it's a prediction machine, 00:34:36.439 --> 00:34:42.559 and it likes to then anticipate because that will start to cause it to use less electrical activity 00:34:42.559 --> 00:34:43.961 if it knows what this guy's doing. 00:34:44.879 --> 00:34:49.003 It's like my smart, it's like the, if I plug my phone into my car, 00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:51.239 my wife and I were talking about this over the weekend. 00:34:51.239 --> 00:34:56.727 We typically on a Saturday, we go on a long run or a long bike ride, and then I need some sort of sandwich, 00:34:57.019 --> 00:34:59.579 whether it's, I don't know, all the different sandwich places. 00:34:59.579 --> 00:35:03.217 I love a sandwich on a Saturday after long workouts. 00:35:03.899 --> 00:35:07.610 And so now when I get in my car, we were heading somewhere last week, 00:35:07.739 --> 00:35:12.299 I think we were heading out of town actually, and we jump in the car and it basically pulls up and says, 00:35:12.299 --> 00:35:14.029 hey, can I offer you a sandwich? 00:35:14.699 --> 00:35:20.060 And I just thought that the brain is similar to that. So if you start ruminating, it can say, 00:35:20.299 --> 00:35:21.645 Are we doing pushups? 00:35:22.119 --> 00:35:23.328 Because let's go ahead and start doing that. 00:35:24.199 --> 00:35:26.879 They talked about journaling, and I've had a couple of guests. 00:35:26.879 --> 00:35:30.399 On Waking Up to Narcissism, we had Dana Killian that talked about her journal, 00:35:30.399 --> 00:35:32.574 which turned into her book, which is amazing. 00:35:33.079 --> 00:35:37.219 And then over on the virtual couch, I had my good friend Zlatko, Z, who talked about, 00:35:37.479 --> 00:35:42.854 he had gone through a lot of things, and so he started writing, and 365 days later, 00:35:43.399 --> 00:35:47.815 after writing every day, it is such a process for him, and he actually has a little mini course 00:35:48.239 --> 00:35:51.721 that will help you get into the writing experience. 00:35:52.159 --> 00:35:56.799 So journaling, let me wrap things up. Sian says, tips to move forward from regrets. 00:35:56.799 --> 00:35:57.609 Let yourself feel it. 00:35:58.356 --> 00:36:01.406 Because regret can be so painful, it's tempting to just get away from it. 00:36:01.406 --> 00:36:07.178 That's why I like to talk about we don't like feeling things, and so we want to move away from them, so we want to get rid of that discomfort. 00:36:07.899 --> 00:36:12.895 But it's not as scary as we think. So, sit there. Don't squish the feeling down. 00:36:13.363 --> 00:36:18.710 Stan says, but avoiding your regret can actually make you feel worse. If you're unwilling to have it, you will. 00:36:19.151 --> 00:36:22.329 If I'm unwilling to have regret, then it will intensify. 00:36:22.860 --> 00:36:25.306 So instead, acknowledge what you're feeling. Try to accept it. 00:36:25.306 --> 00:36:29.117 Having regrets doesn't make you a bad or foolish person. It's a natural common emotion. 00:36:29.866 --> 00:36:33.546 Draw something positive from the experience. We talked about how valuable regret can be. 00:36:33.546 --> 00:36:36.517 It might be a valuable life lesson. It might be a great teacher. 00:36:36.626 --> 00:36:41.046 It might inspire you to do more, to get that podcast out sooner, to write more, 00:36:41.046 --> 00:36:42.341 to spend more time with loved ones. 00:36:42.626 --> 00:36:47.426 Regret might influence you to then, hey, I really want to, I regret that I didn't make amends 00:36:47.426 --> 00:36:48.913 with someone before they passed away. 00:36:49.366 --> 00:36:53.486 So now if I am aware that someone is not in a, If their health is bad, 00:36:53.966 --> 00:36:56.133 then I am going to go spend time with them. 00:36:56.886 --> 00:37:01.366 Be self-compassionate. Cian said research from 2015 looked at three studies 00:37:01.366 --> 00:37:05.046 on regret and self-improvement, and the analysis suggested that regret 00:37:05.046 --> 00:37:08.556 can lead to personal growth if self-compassion is involved. 00:37:08.766 --> 00:37:12.436 Acceptance and self-forgiveness can help you learn better from the experience. 00:37:13.046 --> 00:37:19.151 And then a study in 2018 showed that self-compassion can also protect you from the potential health risks of regret. 00:37:19.606 --> 00:37:23.226 Back to that cortisol thing. Self-compassion and giving yourself grace 00:37:23.226 --> 00:37:25.326 allows you to calm down your fight or flight response. 00:37:25.326 --> 00:37:26.605 You calm your amygdala down. 00:37:27.226 --> 00:37:32.466 It lets you get back all up into your prefrontal cortex. It allows your short-term memory to come back. 00:37:32.666 --> 00:37:35.068 And there are so many things that self-compassion can do. 00:37:35.826 --> 00:37:39.426 So self-compassion can include forgiving yourself, reminding yourself of your strengths, 00:37:39.426 --> 00:37:43.426 practicing loving kindness meditation, taking care of your basic needs, 00:37:43.426 --> 00:37:46.519 raise your emotional baseline, self-care. Self-care is not selfish. 00:37:47.106 --> 00:37:51.641 And allowing yourself to engage in enjoyable activities just because you want to. 00:37:52.226 --> 00:37:56.146 And then finally, they said, it's natural to think about the what could have beens. 00:37:56.146 --> 00:37:57.438 Try to avoid those what ifs. 00:37:58.366 --> 00:38:02.399 If you made a different decision, the outcome might have been better. It would have. 00:38:03.086 --> 00:38:06.466 So there you go. Doesn't mean it was gonna be better. Doesn't mean it was gonna be worse. 00:38:06.466 --> 00:38:08.961 It just would have been a different outcome. 00:38:09.426 --> 00:38:12.337 So again, could have been worse. Could be better. Acceptance. 00:38:12.946 --> 00:38:16.186 So the thing is, we never know what that alternative outcome can be 00:38:16.186 --> 00:38:18.782 unless you're on to some sort of time machine. 00:38:19.575 --> 00:38:24.454 And although it's tempting to run through the possibilities in your head, that's where we talked earlier about it can be exhausting. 00:38:24.679 --> 00:38:28.625 You're burning emotional calories that can be better spent being and doing. 00:38:28.712 --> 00:38:35.585 Being in the moment, being present, connecting with others, doing something of value, learning a new skill, exploring, growing, self-confronting. 00:38:35.585 --> 00:38:39.749 All of those are things that will not happen if you continue to beat yourself up and ruminate. 00:38:40.460 --> 00:38:45.015 So try to recognize when you're engaging in a thought patterns that aren't productive or helpful, practice mindfulness. 00:38:45.303 --> 00:38:47.248 So you don't get too caught up in all those what-ifs. 00:38:48.004 --> 00:38:57.425 So, if you need help, then please reach out to someone. There are online therapy options. I haven't talked about this one in a long time, but you probably hear it on other podcasts. 00:38:57.425 --> 00:39:00.940 Betterhelp.com. You can go betterhelp.com slash virtual couch. 00:39:01.543 --> 00:39:05.099 And I think you still get 10% off of your first month's services. 00:39:05.459 --> 00:39:09.425 But there are online services. You can Google low-cost therapy in your area. 00:39:09.425 --> 00:39:14.237 There's always going to be some non-profit or a group that's going to have a sliding scale. 00:39:14.731 --> 00:39:26.768 You can reach out to people that you really identify or connect with on a podcast. I have people that do still reach out to me and say, are you available for therapy or coaching? And there are times when I have an opening or two and we'll fit that in. 00:39:27.056 --> 00:39:37.336 So it never hurts to reach out to somebody that you really connect with as well and get a little tune up or start doing some work. So you matter. So it's okay to seek help. 00:39:37.787 --> 00:39:42.117 Thank goodness the stigma around mental health, getting help for your mental health is lessening, 00:39:42.765 --> 00:39:43.521 but it's still there. 00:39:43.945 --> 00:39:47.716 So there's nothing wrong with seeking help. Please seek help. 00:39:48.285 --> 00:39:52.622 And if part of that process is listening to more podcasts, taking a course or two, reading a book, 00:39:53.245 --> 00:39:58.345 any of those things, if that's all part of the process that maybe leads you to in-person therapy, 00:39:58.345 --> 00:40:01.237 counseling, coaching, you name it, then that is awesome. 00:40:01.525 --> 00:40:03.542 And that process is gonna happen as it happens. 00:40:04.532 --> 00:40:07.545 So thank you so much for taking the time. If you have questions, please reach out to me 00:40:07.545 --> 00:40:09.141 at contactattonioverbay.com. 00:40:09.545 --> 00:40:14.444 And I welcome you to take a look at some of the other offerings that I have that are going on out there, 00:40:14.845 --> 00:40:20.808 especially the Waking Up to Narcissism Premium Q&A Podcast. I would love to see you over in that world as well. 00:40:21.365 --> 00:40:22.825 And thanks again, and I will see you next time. 00:40:23.760 --> 00:41:03.973 Music. 00:41:03.947 --> 00:40:23.689 On Waking Up.