Hey everybody.
Welcome to another episode of Waking Up to Narcissism.
I am your host, Tony Overbay.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and today I bring to you the
10th episode in the Death by a thousand Cuts series, and that's a series that
I never actually thought would become a series when I put out the first one three
years ago, by far, the Death by a Thousand Cuts episodes are the ones that I received
the most feedback from, and they have the most downloads , and actually the concepts
around the Amygdala Hijack and the trauma bond, those also get shared a lot.
Today, we're gonna go in a lot of different directions while addressing
the Death by a thousand Cuts concept.
, But before we get started, I want to read a poem, that may sound a bit
self-serving when we get to the end.
I think it plays to how important your feedback is.
So I want your examples, whoever you are.
If you're in a relationship with an emotionally immature or narcissistic
individual, and you resonate with these Death by a Thousand Cuts
episodes, and you thought to yourself, I can fill a page with all of these
myself, I want those pages I promise it, it will be therapeutic for you.
But also, if you send them to me through my website, tony over bay.com, and let me
know if you're open to having those read, and I can change some of the details if
that's what would make it easier for you.
I'll read those in episode 11 of The Death by a Thousand Cut series.
They make it out to people they resonate and they change lives.
But first, lemme read this poem, it's simply titled, death by a Thousand Cuts.
And it's written by a survivor of narcissistic abuse.
And she wrote poet's note.
This poem is my first stitch.
After years of bleeding quietly, this was the moment that I picked up the needle.
Every line is a wound turned witness.
Every truth spoken here is a thread pulling me back to myself.
It's not healing all at once, but about starting to wake up.
It's a beginning and beginnings are sacred.
I hand wrote the poem below in my journal on June 22nd, 2024, while
sitting on the patio, and he caught me in the middle of writing it.
But that was a turning point for me.
A month later, I found an extraordinary therapist who specialized in emotionally
immature and narcissistic relationships, and we started doing the hard work and
it started my healing journey, and it was truly a life-changing experience.
And I'm proud of myself for having the courage to sit in the
discomfort in order to find my authentic self and my voice again.
So here's her poem.
I am tired of breathing toxic air.
I'm tired of receiving disgusting stairs.
I'm tired of doing damage control, and I'm tired of losing parts of my soul.
I'm tired of not having a soft place to fall.
I'm tired of feeling that I have to risk it all.
I'm tired of always walking on eggshells.
I'm tired of living inside a private hell.
I'm tired of feeling anxious and nervous and scared, and I'm tired
of pretending that I never cared.
I'm tired of being a different person.
I'm tired of feeling that each day will worsen.
I'm tired of always hoping that you will change after years
of watching you stay the same.
I'm tired of hearing broken promises and lies, and I'm tired
of wondering why I even try.
I'm tired of thinking it's my fault.
I'm tired of this life just grinding to a halt.
I'm tired of feeling this sick, tight, dead heart, and I'm tired
of watching myself fall apart.
I'm tired of trying to protect my kids from your damage and your emotional bids.
I'm tired of being sad and hopeless each day.
I am tired of hiding behind a smile when I feel this way.
I'm tired of looking at couples in love wondering who cursed me from above.
I'm tired of dreaming of being held by arms that heal, not
the ones that I was dealt.
I'm tired of harsh words right after sweet of kindness that hides the trap beneath.
I'm tired of eye rolls and size and deep breaths.
I'm tired of stacking my tiny deaths.
I'm tired of explaining myself again.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm insane.
I'm tired of being told you do the same.
I'm tired of carrying your shame.
I'm tired of being told others are to blame.
I'm tired of living in this twisted game.
I'm tired of hearing.
Believe me, I'll change when it's clear you're just playing the same old game.
I'm tired of explaining what I mean only for you to play the victim scene.
That was your last cut that I will take because I found Tony's
podcast and now I'm awake.
I am truly grateful for that poet who sent that message in and hopefully
today's episode, death by a Thousand Cuts, the 10 Commandments, the ones
that you didn't even know that you were most likely still breaking, might touch
someone's heart, touch the heart of somebody who wonders, am I the problem?
Is it just me?
Am I going crazy?
Am I the narcissist?
And yet, they're on this journey of trying to find out and discover.
Because if you are continually asking yourself, if you are the problem,
if you're the narcissist, there's a pretty good chance it's not you.
'cause you're the one that's trying to figure this out.
You are the one that's trying to heal.
So today, in honor of episode 10 in the series, we're gonna go a little biblical.
So I would like to introduce you to the 10 emotional commandments, the
ones that you didn't even know that you were most likely still breaking.
I am, I'm not here to part any seas or turn water into wine, but I'm about
to hand you something almost sacred.
10 reminders about self-worth that, that you may need to write and do
so and dry erase marker because they will get erased from time to time.
You'll forget.
But that just means that you can write them again and
they aren't carved in stone.
They're carved more in this emotional scar tissue scribbled in the margins of
old journals and unsent text messages , when you've been in a relationship
with somebody who is incredibly emotionally immature, even bordering
on narcissistic traits, tendencies, full blown narcissistic personality
disorder, it can start to feel like there is a whole unspoken rule book.
Thou shalt not question.
Thou shalt not express needs.
Thou shalt not expect accountability.
And if you dare break those commandments, that's when the emotional plague sets in.
But here's the twist.
These 10 emotional commandments are not about obeying rules.
They're about breaking the old ones the survival rules that once kept
you small and quiet and responsible for everybody else's feelings.
These are the new commandments, the ones that we're still learning and still
stumbling through and still breaking, but breaking better every time because
it's so important to remember that growth is not clean and healing doesn't
come with gold stars or final exams.
Healing can actually be completely overwhelming at first, and it
can be confusing and it can be disorienting until one day it isn't.
One day you realize you spent so much time trying to give your emotionally immature
or narcissistic partner their aha moment that you forgot to create your own.
And you're actually the only person that can give yourself that aha moment.
So today I want you to consider this episode your
Lost Scroll of Survival Wisdom.
It's gonna be equal parts validating, probably a little bit frustrating,
and maybe at times overwhelming.
. But look at this as a guide for anybody who's ever tried to reason
with an emotionally immature person or a narcissistic person,
and still live to tell the tale.
I wanna walk you through these 10 emotional commandments not to
achieve sainthood, or that you're expected to be perfect, but I just
wanna help you find some sanity.
And then maybe just maybe to finally feel seen in the places
where you have often felt small.
, The truth is, you can't win emotional health in the way
that you would win an argument.
And honestly, thank goodness for that because narcissistic people
are pretty darn good at arguing.
They can change the narrative in real time.
And I'm sure that if you're listening to this, you've watched it happen, . You
can only keep waking up, waking up to yourself, waking up to your power, and
most importantly, waking up to the fact that, that even if you are still breaking
these commandments, it means you are now aware you, you know what you didn't know.
And soon you'll start to do a little bit more than you did before until one day.
You are not even trying to do it anymore.
You're just, it's just part of who you are.
You're just being, this is what I do and that my, my amazing, wonderful
listeners that is the real promised land.
Let me present to you the 10 emotional commandments that
you're probably still breaking.
And we're gonna go through these cuts and I'm gonna apply the 10
Commandments to the various examples of death by a thousand cuts.
Now the first five commandments come straight from my previously recorded
and mentioned five rules of interacting with the emotionally immature.
I have an episode quite a while ago where I tried to come up with a clever name and
I can't even remember what that name was.
So it obviously was not as clever as I thought it would be, but
I think now integrating them into these 10 commandments, they
maybe have found their home.
So here are the emotional 10 Commandments.
I'm gonna go through 'em quickly and then we'll dig into 'em deeper.
Commandment one, thou shalt raise thy emotional baseline commandment.
Number two, thou get thy PhD in gaslighting.
Commandment Number three, thou shalt drop the rope of the
emotional tug of war commandment.
Number four, thou shalt set boundaries and mean them.
In commandment.
Five thou shalt stop searching for the perfect words.
Thou shalt never give thy spouse an epiphany or an aha.
Moment commandment six thou shalt limit thine attack, surface and commandment.
Seven thou shalt recognize projection, especially thy own commandment.
Eight, thou shalt honor thy inner dialogue commandment.
Nine thou shalt trust thine gut and listen to thy emotions and commandment.
10 thou shalt.
Remember, change is not linear.
It's a rewiring of survival.
So let's break these down.
Commandment number one, thou shalt raise thy emotional baseline.
The biggest key to remember here is that self-care is not selfish.
It's your oxygen mask.
You cannot boundary or validate or differentiate your way through chaos
if you are emotionally depleted.
Raising your emotional baseline means a lot of things.
Everything from sleep and nutrition to laughter and movement and pets
and therapy and groups and books.
I would encourage you to not view these as luxuries that I don't have time for.
They're more like non-negotiable survival gear.
If you don't create time for yourself to raise your emotional baseline,
people aren't gonna do it for you.
And when you're in a better place internally, you can show up so much better
externally and you will be up for the task at hand, which is waking up to the
emotional immaturity or narcissism in your relationship or maybe even in yourself.
So the first cut example, he would always wait until midnight to start a fight.
Keeping me up until I was exhausted.
I was working full time, I was taking care of six kids, I was
doing everything and he didn't work.
I would say I was done and that he needed to leave.
And he would just say, you know, lemme just, lemme just stay until the
morning and then would keep me awake, fighting and by the next day I would be
too drained to even ask him to leave.
Another cut example.
I remember constantly wondering, why am I so tired?
Why do I feel numb?
Why does every conversation feel like I am just walking on eggshells?
Every incident seemed so small, but the exhaustion and my increased
hyper vigilance all started to add up, and that's when I realized I
wasn't tired because I was weak.
I think my body was in survival mode.
So what's actually happening?
What you hear in these cuts isn't just stress.
It's a body that is stuck in survival mode.
When you live with emotional immaturity or narcissism, your nervous system
never really gets to take a rest.
It.
It's like your brain is constantly scanning the room for danger.
There's no time to reset all the things that need to be reset in your brain
in order for you to get back to calm.
You're constantly wondering, okay, what's, what's going on?
I have to be hypervigilant.
Is tonight safe?
Is this gonna be another argument where the kid's at?
Is the house clean enough?
Hope his day was okay, or herse, is it okay to even take a breath
that's not living, that's bracing for an impact of what's to come?
And when you stay in this constant state of stress or hypervigilance, your fight or
flight response is constantly activated.
And the more you stay in a constant state of stress and arousal, the higher
your baseline cortisol levels become you're bumping up against your startle
response and almost everything you do.
So anything can set you off.
And when somebody deliberately picks fights at night or keeps
you awake with circular arguments, it's not just inconsiderate,
it's a form of conditioning.
'cause it keeps you tired and tired, keeps you disoriented and disoriented
and tired, makes you easier to control.
A well-rested, grounded person is much harder to manipulate,
but an exhausted one.
They'll often say yes just to make the noise stop.
So if you feel lazy or foggy or weak, your body isn't actually failing you.
It's trying to do exactly what it's designed to do Under chronic
stress, conserve energy, numb out and survive until the threat passes.
But what if you're living under the roof with that threat?
If you are staying in your own head and trying to figure this out, please
reach out for support, therapy, coaching, spiritual guidance,
whatever works for you, start there.
'cause when you don't know what you don't know, it's so much easier to
try to make everything our own fault.
'cause if it's my fault I can change it.
But if it's the way my partner's showing up, then I might have to deal
with some really uncomfortable truths.
And yes.
I am a couple's therapist and I know a couple's therapy with a
narcissist can be controversial.
But I would imagine if you're listening to podcasts like this, you're probably
still in the process of trying to figure out who is the narcissist.
'cause you're in this process of waking up and that takes time.
And that's okay.
And the reason why these cuts like this hurt so bad, coming back to
commandment one and raising your emotional baseline, you can't raise
your baseline when you're constantly managing everyone else's emotions.
'cause all of a sudden you're running a 24 hour emotional daycare for little humans,
but also probably a full grown adult.
And that's what starts to drain you.
But the tricky part is because you've been in that dynamic so
long, chaos feels like the normal quiet starts to feel suspicious.
Uhoh, what's going on?
What?
What am I?
What's coming?
Your body confuses stillness with danger because it's not used to it yet.
And that's why early healing can feel really unpredictable and uncomfortable.
'cause your nervous system doesn't even know what to do with peace.
So raising your emotional baseline is not just about bubble baths and mantras,
which, although those are fine, I'm a fan of a good bubble bath and I've been
embracing different mantras, but it's more about getting your brain and your body out
of survival mode just long enough to see clearly even if it's just for a moment.
Let me go over some ways to apply this commandment.
Step one, stabilize your body first.
When you've been living in fight flight, freeze fawn for so long.
Start with the physical regulation.
Sleep is ideal, although I know that might be difficult.
You may need to even go see your doctor about a sleep aid,
something to just get you started.
Hydration is so important, and it might not seem like a big deal, but hydrate.
Try to eat a little bit better and move.
Get up and move even if it's just for a little bit, because
your nervous system can't heal.
If it doesn't feel physically safe.
In step two, protect your energy, like it's the air you breathe.
Ask yourself who or what drains me, who or what grounds me?
And then spend time with the people and the things and the places
that cause you to feel a little more grounded, a little more safe.
Even if that means saying no to certain things more often.
It's so cliched, but you cannot pour from an empty cup and you
especially can't pour from a cup that somebody keeps knocking over.
Step three, create these little micro rituals of calm.
So instead of waiting for the big vacations I'll wait till
I have a big break of time.
Start practicing with little moments throughout the.
Build reset moments into your daily routine.
If you have to sit in your car for a minute or two before you head home,
take a couple of deep breaths before and after a difficult text exchange.
Listen to something that centers you while you're folding laundry,
while you're making your own food.
Each moment like this teaches your brain that peace isn't random,
it's available, and that's the key.
It's available and it's accessible, and you can actually access it almost
whenever you need it, if you will.
Accept the fact that it might be in shorter bursts than
you think would be ideal.
Step four, . Identify the energy leaks.
Notice when you feel that familiar.
Drop the dread before a phone call.
The fatigue after an interaction, that's your body saying this may
cost a little too much, so can we just pay a little more attention?
And step five, I need you to reframe rest as your healthy rebellion.
If you've lived with somebody who's used your exhaustion as control,
then choosing rest is pretty crazy.
It's radical.
It's like saying you don't get to decide how much life I have left in me.
So watch out 'cause I'm about to rest.
So tonight, before bed, ask yourself, what's one thing that
I can do tomorrow that will help my body feel a little safer?
Maybe it's skipping, responding to a text immediately.
Maybe it's going for a brief walk.
Maybe it's just taking a full breath before you respond.
That's how you start raising your emotional baseline.
One regulated moment at a time.
Now commandment two thou shalt get thy PhD in gaslighting.
If you're constantly explaining and defending or doubting your memory,
your class is already in session, probably has been for quite a while.
So I want you to be able to recognize the script.
Those things like that never happened.
You are too sensitive.
You are crazy.
You're being trained to distrust yourself.
So study the pattern until you can spot it from a mile away because
awareness becomes your syllabus in this school of self-protection.
So here's the cut examples that go along with this commandment.
He bought expensive concert tickets behind my back.
After we'd agreed that money was tight, he said that they
were an anniversary surprise.
So if I was upset, then I looked ungrateful.
And when I told him that it really did hurt my feelings that he didn't include
me in the decision making process.
After we'd already had this conversation, he said, Hey, I'm
sorry you got your feelings hurt.
That's kinda a you thing.
The irony is he ended up not going.
I took one of my kids instead, and we never talked about it again.
But then down the road, I was chastised for not keeping the budget cut.
Example number two, when I felt unseen and I finally expressed that, he
told me, you're just too sensitive.
And actually you're imagining things, and I don't know if you get this, but nobody
else is gonna put up with your moodiness.
And the problem is I believed him for years and years and years.
So what's happening here, emotionally gaslighting is psychological warfare,
but it's disguised as a conversation.
The person can even have the correct mouth noises and tones and facial expressions
that look like genuine concern while they're asking you, why are you so crazy?
But it's this act of slowly convincing somebody that their
memory or their perception or their emotions are unreliable.
And at first it can look like confusion then self-doubt and then paralysis.
And by the time you realize it's happening, you're already questioning
your ability to tell what's true.
And here's what it typically looks like.
You bring up a concern.
They don't really like the way that feels.
They don't wanna take ownership or accountability because it will
internally feel to them like shame.
Like you're telling them, Hey, you are a bad person.
That's what they hear.
That's a them thing.
So instead they shift the focus, Hey, actually you are overreacting.
Or the old classic that never happened.
Or you're totally remembering that wrong.
And then you start defending your memory instead of the truth
that you were trying to express.
And just like that, you're off balance and you even end up apologizing
for trying to bring something up.
And that's the ultimate self betrayal where you think what just happened?
Gaslighting cuts at the core of your identity.
And most people end up in these dynamics are naturally conscientious,
emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and what I like to call pathologically
kind, where kindness is a good thing, but it becomes pathological
, when it is to your detriment.
You assume good intent and you believe if you just explain things clearly
enough, then, then they'll understand.
And I hear you because in emotionally mature, healthy
relationships, that is true.
As a couple's therapist seeing 15, 20, 25 couples a week, more than
half of 'em are this emotionally immature or anxious avoidant dynamic.
But the others are just people that, that resonate with my content and
they don't know what they don't know.
And they like the things that I'm saying, I wanna say the mouth noises
I'm making, it feels like that sounds like something we could do.
And then they come in and they do the work, both of them, and they change
and they live happily ever after.
And they shop for unicorns and they have a lep con and pot
of gold and all those things.
But emotionally immature people interpret accountability as an attack,
and their self-esteem is fragile.
So they rewrite reality to survive their own shame.
Gaslighting is a childhood defense mechanism.
It protects them.
They cannot possibly be wrong because if so, they will get in trouble.
You will leave them all or nothing, black or white.
That's why their version of events keeps changing, not because
you're crazy, but because their ego depends on never being wrong.
And then over time, gaslighting makes you outsource your reality to others.
What do you think Did, do you think I'm crazy?
Do you remember that happening?
And that causes you to stop trusting your gut and you start using somebody else's
version of the story as your compass.
And when that happens, they kind of own your piece.
So how do you get your PhD in gaslighting?
It doesn't mean studying them harder, it means studying you
more closely than they ever could.
So step one, start tracking reality.
Write down what's said right after difficult interactions for so long.
I hear people say.
Yeah, but he tells me I shouldn't be score keeping.
Or she says that, oh, really?
You're writing that down and then I feel bad.
And then I don't, no write things down.
It's not collecting evidence for them to use against them.
Although that might be a little bit of the motive.
Look at it as a way to anchor you later when they say, I never said that.
You'll have proof, even if it's just to yourself that you're not losing your mind.
But here's a big one, we'll talk about this later.
Step two, stop explaining.
This one's so important.
Explanations end up being just invitations to argue it's the attack surface.
The more words you use, the more ammunition they have
in unhealthy conversation.
When you are feeling good and connected to somebody, then the more the merrier.
We're gonna talk about all kinds of things.
If there's genuine curiosity and not an attack and you can make
space for their emotions and yours.
But in narcissistic or emotionally mature relationships, practice
short, neutral responses.
Oh, that's not how I remember it.
I guess we'll have to.
Or if you're gonna continue to bring this up, then I'm not
gonna keep talking about this.
Each time you refuse to take the bait, you starve the dynamic of oxygen.
And step three, ground your reality.
In safe people find a couple of trusted voices, a friend, a therapist,
a support group who can help you reality check without judgment.
They don't need to fix it, they just need to witness your truth.
And step four, separate truth from approval.
You don't need their acknowledgement for your experience to be real or to be valid.
It would be great, absolutely, but that isn't what you need.
You know, you can know something happened, even if they don't agree.
And every time you accept your truth without their validation, your confidence
actually grows and that power, and sometimes the trauma bond will shrink.
So tonight, write a sentence that starts with something like the truth
that I keep second guessing is.
And read it out loud to yourself.
No debate, no justification, just for now, acknowledge it.
This is what I remember.
And that's how you begin to reclaim your mind.
Commandment three thou shalt drop the rope of the emotional tug of war.
When the conversation becomes a contest for reality, it's time to let go.
'cause you can't convince an emotionally immature person into accountability.
They don't even play the same game.
Disengaging is not weakness.
It's choosing your sanity over the chaos.
And that's the first courageous step that some people take toward healing.
It's this quiet declaration that your peace actually matters.
And when you stop pulling on the rope of the emotional tug of war with the
narcissist or the emotionally mature, you're modeling something powerful
that your worth isn't measured by how much pain you're willing to absorb
or how hard you're willing to fight someone who is not trying to connect.
The first example of a cut here, every time I ask if he's okay, he replies
to something like, why shouldn't I be?
Or Why should I be irritated?
Why do you ask?
And that sounds so small, but it's every time and I feel like I can't win.
And if I care, it's wrong.
And if I don't care, that's wrong too.
And it makes me feel crazy for even trying to connect.
But then later I'll also be told that I don't try to connect
these conversations go nowhere.
And I will stay in them.
In the circular reasoning.
In the circular questioning until the wee hours of the night.
Or example number two, you promised not to start an argument with me if I
would drive with him to the airport.
He even said it a couple of times in writing via text.
But the second we got in the car, it started two hours of nonstop criticism,
nitpicking and guilt tripping.
And I sat there just gripping the steering wheel, thinking,
how did I end up here again?
And yet I found myself still continuing to engage.
Cut.
Example number three, when I would try to share how I felt, he would
twist it back on me saying, well, you're only mad because you're
hormonal, or, that's not what I said.
I'm sure you heard it wrong.
I'd start the conversation truly hoping for connection and
wondering, am I the problem?
I found it so necessary to learn to disengage from these
unhealthy conversations because I just wanted to keep going
back in there for more and more.
So what's happening emotionally is disengaging from
unproductive conversations.
It's.
Essential because when the conversation becomes circular, it's
also this kind of a logical fallacy.
It's called begging the question.
It happens when somebody uses their conclusion as their proof, basically.
Well, I'm right because I'm right because I said it.
I remember a movie, I believe it was spies like us, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd, and
one of them was trying to quote something and he said I know I read this somewhere.
Well, I wrote it down and then I read it so I'm right because I'm right.
And it said in a way that sounds logical, but it goes in a loop and
it never really gets to the subject matter that you're trying to discuss.
And emotionally immature relationships, this so often shows up because they tend
to equate being right with being safe.
If I can be right, then I'm okay, that is in complete disregard to you.
They defend their image at all costs and they avoid any internal
discomfort because that will eventually make its way down from guilt.
Do you think I'm doing something bad to shame?
Oh, I'm bad and you must think I'm bad, so therefore I need to
put you in that one down position.
So instead of being willing to explore what their partner's feeling or even
trying to say, you know, tell me more about why it seems like I don't listen.
They use this circular reasoning to shut the conversation down and put
themselves back in that one up position.
You are pulling for connection and they're pulling for control.
And the emotionally immature person doesn't know how to tolerate discomfort,
especially the emotional discomfort.
So when you bring up something vulnerable or real it, it pokes at their shame
and feels like an attack to them.
And if you have an opinion that is not exactly theirs, then
you, this is what they believe.
You are telling them that they are wrong and you are right, which I know
you're not doing, but they view it as black or white, all or nothing thinking.
And then they become so good at deflecting and attacking
and confusing or going silent.
But because you want connection, you pull harder, you clarify,
you re-explain, you rephrase.
You think if I can just find the right tone or the right word, the
right timing, then we'll finally be able to get somewhere, maybe
even compromise meet in the middle.
But the unfortunate fact is at some point you may need to accept that most likely
you won't get to that point of connection.
Because for them, the goal isn't understanding it's control.
The argument itself is the tool to drain you.
And the more exhausted you get, the more they win.
Now, why do you keep grabbing the rope?
You keep pulling it because you care, because you were taught that
communication solves everything and it can in a healthy relationship, that
if you could just explain yourself well enough, you would be understood.
And again, true in a healthy relationship.
But this isn't healthy communication, it's emotional warfare, and it's
stressed up like a discussion.
Peace doesn't come from winning, it comes from leaving the game entirely.
So how do you apply this commandment?
Notice when you picked up the rope.
The rope can be words or text or silence or emotional energy in the moment.
You start defending or overexplaining or arguing about how you feel,
instead of what you feel, that's the rope in your hands in that moment.
Pause, take a breath.
Literally, unc unclench your hands if you need to.
Ask yourself?
What are, what are we even arguing about?
We're not fighting for truth now.
We're fighting for peace.
And peace does not come from winning.
The goal is to be heard and understood and not you are right and I'm wrong.
So here's a few phrases that might help in dropping the rope of the tug of war.
You know, I can see this isn't really going anywhere right now, or this isn't
very productive for me, or I'm not actually gonna argue about this right now,
or I'll respond when the water's calm.
Say it once, then disengage.
Every word after that just reopens the door.
And learn to reframe disengagement as a strength.
You've probably been told that walking away is avoidant or cold, and it's not.
It's emotionally intelligent.
You're teaching your body that safety doesn't come from fixing chaos.
It comes from refusing to feed the chaos.
So the next time you feel that, pull the urge to prove or explain or rehash.
Try this.
Put your hand over your heart.
Get grounded.
Say quietly.
Peace is my goal.
Peace is my win.
Peace is my jam.
Then step back and that's dropping the rope.
So let's move on to commandment four.
Thou shalt set boundaries and mean them.
A boundary without follow through is a suggestion.
It's a challenge.
It's an ultimatum.
Saying what you will do, not what they must do.
That's your boundary.
If you do this, then I will do this.
Not, you can't keep doing this 'cause the narcissist, oh, they are grateful
that you just gave them something to do.
You can't keep doing this in their mind is oh, I actually, I
can and I'll do it really well.
A boundary protects your peace.
An ultimatum fuels their playbook.
An ultimatum, hands them a map of your buttons, showing 'em exactly what matters
most to you, and they can and will use that information against you later.
Don't hand 'em the map, hide your buttons.
Stand firm boundaries.
Don't control others.
Boundaries define you.
So here's a couple of cut examples.
One, my daughter's dad always asks at the end of a video chat if she wants
him to call again tomorrow, she's usually pretty tired and says no.
And then he acts hurt and hangs up and calls again.
Anyway, and when I pointed that out to him, he accused me of turning her against
him and now wanted to argue with me.
Or another example, after we separated, he still came into
my house without permission.
Said he just wanted to grab something.
And when I told him that really wasn't okay, he made comments about
my personal life and said that I still owed him honesty because of the past.
And at some point, I literally had to call the police, or another
example, he continually asked to come over and see the kids.
And I said, sure, as long as you call first the next day, shows up unannounced,
walked in, acted like I was overreacting and did that over and over again.
And when I would get upset, he told me I was being dramatic.
But she had said here's the line.
And he said, thank you.
And now I have a goal.
Now I have a target that I can cross.
These are really good examples of how emotionally immature people
treat boundaries as suggestions or challenges, because to them a boundary
is a line, but it's one now that they can walk right over, it says
to them, Hey, let's see if you're really gonna follow through with this.
I have even had many, many conversations in my office where we get to the
point of a boundary and then the more emotionally immature, narcissistic person.
And I've had this, be the husband, the wife it's no respecter of
persons says, well, I was just trying to help you hold your boundary.
Really, that's not a great way to do that.
Underneath the behavior is fear.
Fear of losing control, fear of rejection, fear that your
autonomy means their abandonment.
I see that so often that being so afraid that as a partner finds
themselves, learns to be okay and to find hobbies and those sorts of things,
that then they are going to leave.
So I, to the narcissist, the emotionally immature, I can't have them continue
to do things that they want to do.
I can't have them go meet with somebody and get help because that
doesn't feel comfortable to me because they can't manage that fear.
Then they turn it into manipulation, guilt, intrusion, blame.
They start to sequester, cut off, isolate their partner.
Now for you, it's confusing because the boundary wasn't meant to hurt anybody.
It was meant to protect your sanity.
And in healthy relationships, boundaries actually keep relationships existing.
If I know I'm gonna say something I'll regret, then a boundary needs to be set.
If I'm starting to notice this, I will take a break because I don't
wanna sabotage the relationship because you don't deserve to
be talked to that way by me.
Why boundaries feel so difficult is because most people who struggle
to enforce boundaries grow up having to earn their safety.
Love was conditional.
Maybe saying no meant that you were gonna be ashamed or ignored or made to feel bad.
So when you finally try to set a boundary, your body interprets it as danger.
You feel guilty, you doubt yourself.
Am I being too much?
That's guilt from conditioning.
That's not your intuition.
And emotionally immature people can sense hesitation.
The moment you waver, they know, oh, this line isn't real.
Watch me.
I'm gonna push right through this boundary.
There's some key things to know about setting boundaries.
Define the boundary.
Clearly.
A real boundary isn't, you can't do this or don't do that.
It's if you do that, then I will do this.
It's about your behavior, not theirs.
If you come over unannounced, I won't open the door.
If the conversation turns disrespectful, I'm gonna end the call.
That's a boundary.
It's about what you do to protect you.
Now, you may need to actually stop announcing the boundaries.
Just do 'em.
Just prove 'em.
Often, especially with the immature, you don't need to warn
or try to persuade them first.
Some people use your explanations as more of an attack surface.
They learn which buttons to press to test your limits, and quiet.
Consistency is so much more powerful than verbal declar
declarations and expect pushback.
The first time you hold a line or the second, or the third or the fourth,
they'll accuse you of being mean or cold or unfair, or controlling.
That typically means it's working.
Discomfort is part of your learning curve.
It's not proof that you're wrong, and the words that they're saying
next are really trying to hit you to then back off the boundary.
So that they can go back to the status quo.
So tonight, maybe write a sentence.
The boundary I'm most afraid to hold is and then add.
And the consequence I control is you'll feel that twinge of
guilt, that's your nervous system on learning people pleasing.
You're not being cruel, you're being more consistent.
And that actually builds connection, intimacy, and trust.
So commandment five, thou shalt stop searching for the perfect words.
Thou shalt never give thy spouse an epiphany or an aha moment.
It is so important to recognize there is no combination of syllables
or mouth noises or words or facial expressions or gesticulations that
will make the narcissist get it.
They hear what fits their narrative period, not what you are trying
to convey from your heart.
You'll never give them an epiphany.
And I don't throw out all or nothing statements randomly.
But you will never give them an epiphany.
Trying keeps you trapped in this loop of over-explaining and undervaluing yourself.
Your peace begins where the fantasy of their aha moment ends.
So stop waiting for their comprehension.
It's time for you to start choosing your own personal liberation.
So a couple of cut examples.
One, after I told him I was done, he suddenly promised to change, and
then for two weeks he was incredible, helpful, affectionate and attentive.
It felt like the guy had been begging for all along.
, And then just as quickly it faded.
The tiny comments came back.
The distance, the control, it's like the better he acts, the more hope I build,
which just makes the next fall hurt worse.
Second example, he tells me, I threw away a beautiful family.
He says, we could've walked hand in hand in old age, but he actually
never walked with me now and definitely didn't hold my hand.
He was always 30 feet ahead, not holding my hand and yelling at me to keep up.
But yet I would continue to buy into this.
It'll be better later.
For example, number three, I used to write long messages, pouring my
heart out and thinking if he can just understand this or if I can just
find the right words, it'll click.
But no matter how kind or patient or logical I was, the
result was always the same.
Silence, defensiveness, or blame, this is one of the most
heartbreaking parts of waking up.
Realizing that your clarity doesn't equal their awareness and it's not
a cause and effect Relationship.
Emotionally immature people experience accountability is shame your explanation
no matter how gently it's offered feels to them like an accusation.
So instead of curiosity, they give defensiveness or attack.
'cause their nervous system interprets, if I hurt you then I'm bad.
And they'd rather change the story than feel the shame.
That's why the cycle looks like this.
You express pain, they temporarily at times perform empathy.
You feel hope they regress.
You feel confusion and guilt, and it's this hope and hurt loop and it
trains you to think that the next explanation, that actually might be
the one that fixes it because I thought we were getting there last time.
And because we're wired for connection, you don't want to win an argument.
You want to be understood.
And that's a beautiful trait.
But when that epiphany meets emotional immaturity, it's a trap.
Your brain keeps replaying the same conversations and chasing the version of
them who once seemed capable of empathy.
The illusion of the perfect words is powerful because it
gives you something to control.
I'll manage my tone.
I'll try to say it the right way.
I won't do the wrong thing.
, It gives you something that you can work on, but the truth
is it doesn't work that way.
You're still trying to convince yourself.
If you can just say it right, you can stop the chaos.
But once and for all,
it will be this aha moment, this epiphany.
But you cannot give someone an epiphany when their self-image
depends on staying in the dark.
So what do you do?
Stop writing novels before you send that long text or email pause and ask yourself,
am I writing this to express myself or am I still trying to make them understand?
It's the latter.
Delete it.
You're chasing closure and validation that only you can give yourself, which
means you need to start to learn to create internal validation, not external.
Start acknowledging your feelings before you share them.
This is valid.
Even if they don't understand the goal needs to move to you, you know?
And you're offering this part of you, you're offering to
be seen and to be understood.
Now the goal isn't their comprehension, although you wish it would be.
It's your clarity.
Look for patterns, not promises, because temporary change after an
argument is very often performative.
Empathy, real change is consistent.
It's humble, it's self-initiated.
If they only behave when you're threatening to leave,
that's more like compliance.
It's not growth, and most likely it's pretty surface level.
If somebody is saying, I finally get it, you're right.
I understand because you're leaving the easiest way to see if
there's depth underneath this aha moment they're claiming to have
and say, well, what do you get?
What is it that you understand?
Take me on your train of thought.
Help me understand.
So maybe tonight, write this one down.
It's not my job to give someone an awakening, but it is my job to live mine.
Tape it somewhere.
You'll see it often because you're not giving up you're starting to
give yourself back commandment.
Six thou shalt limit thine attack surface.
Now we get into the new ones.
Every over explanation or justification or emotional overshare is ammunition.
You don't owe clarity to somebody who is committed to confusion,
speak less, observe more.
And remember, the less you defend, the less they can distort.
Sometimes silence is not avoidance, it's wisdom in action.
So here's a couple of cut examples.
One person said, every time I open up about my feelings,
he stores it like ammunition.
If I say I'm struggling at work, the next argument, he says, well, maybe
if you focused on your job instead of pretending you were perfect.
It's almost like he waits for me to be vulnerable so he can use it against me.
Cut.
Example number two, when I confronted him about twisting what
I had said to our daughter, he accused me of parental alienation.
And I wasn't trying to attack him.
I just wanted to protect her, and I wanted to be understood by my husband,
but somehow I ended up being the villain.
And again, or example number three, he knows exactly which memories hurt
me the most, and he'll bring them up mid argument just to watch me crumble.
It's like he's collecting data and every time I try to explain myself,
I'm just giving him more to work with.
So what's happening emotionally?
Emotionally, immature.
People often treat these type of relationships like exchanges of power.
There's a winner and a loser.
It's a zero sum game.
Vulnerability.
Your transparency, your stories, your empathy becomes intel.
They're not listening to connect.
They're listening to catalog and see, what can I use to put
me in this one-up position?
That's why opening up starts to feel dangerous, because what's supposed
to be intimacy becomes inventory.
The information that should bring you closer becomes ammunition later, and at
the core of this behavior is insecurity.
If they can hold your vulnerabilities, then they don't have to look at their own.
They weaponize your honesty to shift the focus from their behavior.
Right back to your pain, and why it's so confusing and why it hurts is because
openness has most likely been one of your superpowers Up to this point.
You probably believe in repair and understanding and
authenticity and communication and connecting with your partner.
Those are good, they're real, they're strengths, but when you
share openly with somebody who isn't safe, your vulnerability becomes a
liability and the confusing part is.
Early on, they often rewarded it.
They seem fascinated by your stories or touched by your emotions.
Finally, somebody who gets me and then later they use those
same details to cut you down.
It's not love, it's control, it's exploitation, and it's dressed up to look
like connection and it's not very pretty.
Over time, you start centering yourself.
You start shrinking, becoming more hypervigilant, but becoming
more hypervigilant, playing small.
You lose spontaneity.
You stop being you because you're constantly calculating what
might be used against you later.
. So redefine what safety means.
Safety isn't who listens the longest.
It's who respects the information you're sharing.
Who creates a safe space for you and your emotions?
Start noticing who treats your openness like a person not using it like a weapon.
And you may have to adopt a need to know rule.
If somebody has a pattern of twisting your words, giving 'em less is more.
Give them less access to personal data.
Keep conversations factual and short instead of, I'm really hurt
that you said that you may need to.
Revert to, hey, that comment wasn't appropriate.
Be neutral.
Be simple.
Sometimes you have to be unexplainable and practice strategic silence.
Silence is not always avoidance.
It can be protection.
When you feel the urge to defend yourself, pause and breathe and ask, will
sharing this, get me closer to peace?
Or will it lead to chaos?
And if it's chaos, it might need to be kept to your inside voice.
So before your next interaction, ask yourself, have they earned
the right to know this part of me?
If the answer is no, it's not coldness.
That's this internal wisdom.
Every piece of information you withhold from chaos is a piece
you reclaimed commandment.
Number seven, thou shalt recognize projection, especially
thine own what triggers you most often reveals your story.
When you see cruelty and you respond with compassion, it reflects your capacity to
love deeply, not their capacity to change.
You actually can't control their projections, but you can learn from 'em.
Their accusations, their assumptions, the stories that they tell you will
tell you more about how they see the world than about who you are.
Even though they're telling you that this is what you're doing or this is who
I think you are, that's a them thing.
That's them projecting how they see the world onto you.
So the cut examples, he told me he didn't care about his feelings.
Meanwhile, I was working full time, raising kids, handling
everything, and he did nothing.
But somehow I was the selfish one, or example number two, he called me
controlling because I wanted peace, but he was the one who would not listen.
He would push every conversation until I broke down crying.
It's like the things that he accused me of were just the things
he could not admit about himself.
Another cut example.
He would continually say you're just like your mother, always playing the victim.
And it hit me hard because he knew I had spent my whole life
trying not to be my mother.
But then later I realized he was describing himself.
He was always acting like the victim in the story, projecting
that outward and then attacking it.
Projection is one of the emotionally immature person's favorite defense
mechanisms, and it works well because it's invisible while it's happening.
When they accuse you of being selfish or controlling or cold or dramatic,
they're often revealing something about themselves, and it's an emotional mirror
that they can't stand to look into.
So they turn it toward you if they lie a lot, the crazy part about projection
is they are projecting onto you.
Well, it's because everybody lies.
So then they are going to accuse you of lying because they lie.
And so much of this still goes back to this concept of shame.
Why?
Because shame is unbearable to them, owning their flaws to them means admitting
that they're not the hero in their own story, and that they're not perfect.
So they offload that discomfort by casting you as the villain.
It doesn't matter what role you came and auditioned for, you got
the role of the villain again.
And that's why the accusation often lands so deeply because they
pick something close to the truth.
It's a strength that's twisted into a coping mechanism.
You are caring, but they call it controlling.
You are empathetic, but they call it weak.
You are steady and then they call it cold and it hurts because you
absorb that projection because you happen to be self-reflective.
When they accuse you, you check inward.
Am I controlling?
Did I do that?
Maybe I am the problem.
I don't want them to think that, so I'm gonna work and I'm gonna try to
tell them that I'm not the problem.
That's not weakness by you doing the work or trying to figure this out.
That is emotional maturity, but it's somewhat misapplied.
It's what makes you kind and introspective and teachable.
But unfortunately, in a toxic dynamic, it keeps you doubting.
Projection hurts because it hijacks your sense of identity.
Every time you internalize their accusations and feel like you
gotta defend them, you drift further from your own truth.
You, you're burning and wasting emotional calories trying to prove that you're
not something that they think you are.
That is something that they are.
So you start living in their version of you instead of your own.
So learn to translate the accusation when they say you're selfish.
Hear this as, oh, I, I'm feeling neglected when they say, you're controlling here.
I'm scared of losing control.
You don't have to engage though it, it's, but it's powerful to decode it
silently because it's data about them.
It's not judgment about you.
And it's best to not argue against projection, responding calmly with,
oh, I can see you feel that way, or, thanks for sharing your perception.
It affects your reality without feeding theirs.
And I know that if you're listening to this and you're in a really
unhealthy relationship, right?
Then you're saying, oh, right, like, I'm gonna do that.
And he's gonna say, oh, thank you so much for sharing that.
No, he's going to say more things or she's gonna get even more angry.
I do understand that.
, And that would be really difficult.
And even if you are starting to do these things in your mind, in your
inner dialogue, that is a start.
Because you're right.
You need to be able to, you're right, I hear you all subconsciously
through, through the speakers, you.
you need to feel grounded and safe to be able to even express something like that.
And that does start in your mind.
And then look for your own mini projections.
We all project you.
You might project your empathy onto them, assuming that they want to understand
because you would or they must be hurting inside because I would be hurting inside.
That's one of the ways good people feel stuck because healing means noticing where
your kindness becomes self-deception.
So next time that somebody makes an accusation pause and silently ask
yourself, what does this reveal about them and what might it teach me about myself?
If you can hold both of those without reacting you, you have just graduated from
emotional warfare to emotional mastery.
Okay, we're getting toward the end.
Commandment eight, thou shalt honor thy inner dialogue.
You become what you repeatedly think and how you talk to yourself.
So speak to yourself like somebody who is worth hearing.
I never get tired of this saying, you are not broken, you're human.
And you are uniquely you and you're wired the way that you are because of all the
experiences you've had in your life.
And you are an original.
Nobody else has ever lived in this exact moment as you.
There are so many things that make you, you from your nature and your
nurture and your birth order and DNA and abandonment and rejection and
hopes and dreams and fears and pets and friends and where you lived.
You think and feel the way you do because you do.
So when someone else thinks that they know you better than you or they think
you should think a certain way or feel a certain way that is adorable.
They're not you.
You are, you're not broken.
You are a human being.
Your thoughts and emotions aren't wrong.
They're data information.
Be more curious with yourself and not critical.
Couple of cut examples.
One person said, I used to be funny.
I mean, really funny.
People told me that all the time, but after years with him, I stopped joking.
I'd say something silly.
He'd roll his eyes at me and tell me I wasn't money.
And eventually I just stopped trying and I , started believing
what he was saying about me.
Example two.
I worked so hard for my degree, straight a's honors everything.
And when I told him, he said, oh, that's, that's cute.
Must have been a pretty easy program.
Not like the one that I went through it, it's like he could not let me feel
proud even for a second, another one.
He told the kids that he was actually the funniest person in the family and
that I did not have a sense of humor.
They laughed.
I laughed too, but something in me shut down like he was erasing me.
, One rude comment, one joke at a time.
this is what emotional erosion looks like.
It.
It's not just one big explosion, it's a thousand tiny cuts, a thousand
tiny rewrites of who you are.
When somebody chips away at your confidence long enough, you stop
recognizing your own voice and you become quiet and careful and agreeable, you
start censoring yourself before they even have to try and censor you, which is what
they'll try to do before you realize it.
You're living.
A, as a version of yourself built entirely around keeping somebody else comfortable
and avoiding any kind of discomfort.
And that's not love.
It's control and it's survival.
But this is how emotional abuse works.
It's not necessarily yelling or visible bruises, just maybe jokes that cut,
compliments that minimize or silence, that that shrinks you over time.
Your nervous system associates self-expression is risky.
Is this worth the risk?
So when you leave, you still whisper your opinions instead of speaking them.
It hurts so deeply because it attacks your sense of self, your
personality, your humor, your creativity, your spark, and that's how
your nervous system signals safety.
When that's mocked, your body learns that authenticity equals danger.
So you start suppressing your light in the name of survival.
It's not worth it right now.
And the cruel twist, people who are drawn to emotionally immature partners are often
bright, expressive, empathetic souls.
You aren't too much you.
You are vibrant.
And that is what they were initially drawn to.
But eventually your light makes their shadow harder to ignore.
So notice when you self silence, pay attention to moments when
you hesitate before speaking or you downplay your achievements,
or you make yourself small it.
It's not humility, it's conditioning.
And gently ask, who's comfort am I protecting right now?
Reclaim your voice through what I wanna call micro expressions.
You don't have to go from quiet to loud overnight.
Start small, sing in the car, tell a joke, write something down.
Wear the outfit that you want to.
I've had more people change their hair and their glasses and their
outfits than I ever would've imagined.
When people are starting to find themselves slowly but surely
post the art that you hid.
Start drawing and take a class.
Each act tells your nervous system it's actually safe to be me again.
And work on rebuilding the internal validation.
When you do something that feels right, say it out loud,
that was me showing up as me.
Your brain learns faster hearing through your own.
So every night start for a week, write down a sentence that begins
with, today I showed up as myself.
When I, it could be as small as laughing at your own joke or as
big as saying no, that's you.
Reintroducing yourself to yourself.
Two to go commandment nine thou shalt trust thine gut
and listen to thy emotions.
Your gut is not paranoia, it's pattern recognition.
Your emotions aren't problems to eliminate or to get rid of.
They are messages that you're receiving and you need to decode them.
But if you were taught to hide or mute or doubt your emotions, it's time
to relearn your emotional fluency.
Curiosity gets to become your compass.
And the emotions are your guide.
Lean into the discomfort.
Discover that growth comes through, navigating into the unknown because
you don't know what you don't know.
And when that truth settles in, now the fun begins.
Every moment becomes an opportunity to learn to grow, to thrive.
So a couple of cut examples, he stopped saying goodbye.
And at first I thought he was just distracted, but it had become a pattern.
He would kiss the kids, he'd walk out the door without a word to me.
Even my daughter noticed and asked, mom, why doesn't dad
say goodbye to you anymore?
And I didn't have an answer.
I just smiled and said, oh, he's probably just busy.
But my stomach knew something was wrong long before my head wanted to admit it.
Another example, he drops the kids off.
Acts friendly compliments the pumpkins that we carved together.
And after years of put downs and stonewalling, if I react, I look bitter.
If I stay quiet, I feel fake.
It's the impossible middle ground where there's no response.
That feels right, but deep down, I know exactly what he's doing.
He's trying to control the narrative.
Example number three, every time he'd walk into the room, I would tense up.
Even when he was being nice, my body would go into alert mode
before I understood why, and I used to just hate that reaction.
I thought it meant something was wrong with me or that I was broken,
but now I see it was my gut trying its best to tell me the truth.
It.
So what's happening here emotionally, your emotions are data.
They're not problems.
We're often told that we're too much, , but your emotions are
your body's first responders.
They arrive before your brain even knows what's happening.
When you feel tension or dread or anxiety in somebody's presence, don't look at
that as paranoia or what's wrong with me?
Look at it as if your nervous system is remembering what your
mind might be trying to forget.
When you've spent years around emotionally, immature or narcissistic
people, your brain learns to minimize red flags because
acknowledging them would mean change.
And change is scary and dangerous when your safety depends on keeping the peace.
So you start to override the signals.
You rationalize you.
You tell yourself stories like they're stressed or it's me, or I'm overreacting.
And that's a pattern that evolves over time.
The internal override is learned helplessness in disguise.
It's not because you are helpless, it's because you've been trained
to prioritize someone else's comfort over your own truth.
Why that hurts so much?
Why we keep it ignoring our gut.
You were probably taught that being emotional was bad, that good people
are calm and reasonable and forgiving.
So you most likely learn to distrust your gut and rely more on logic.
But emotions aren't irrational.
They're the body's logic built on thousands of little micro experiences.
Your gut doesn't speak in words, although after a lot of Taco Bell,
it kind of sounds like it does, but it more speaks in sensations,
tightness, nausea, heat, dread.
And when you are ignoring those cues, if you ignore them long enough, your
body starts shouting through the panic and exhaustion or depression.
And when you ignore those cues long enough, your body starts shouting through
panic and exhaustion or depression.
Those symptoms aren't flaws.
They're the language of ignored truth.
Here's the difficult part though, when your gut and hope argue.
Hope usually wins because hope feels noble.
But ungrounded hope keeps you stuck in a cycle of waiting for evidence
that contradicts what your body already knows and has been possibly
trying to tell you for a long time.
How do you apply this rebuild trust with your body?
Your body isn't betraying you.
It's been be protecting you all along.
So start by noticing sensations without judgment.
Again, if you wanna put your hand on your chest and breathe and ask, Hey,
uh, what are you trying to tell me?
You don't have to fix it.
Just listen.
What am I feeling?
Where am I feeling it?
What does it feel like?
And learn to translate your feelings into facts.
Take in the feelings.
But then what?
What is the story my brain's telling me?
When you feel anxious, instead of saying, I'm overreacting, notice
something in me feels unsafe.
I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious.
What's the story my brain's telling me?
This shift turns judgment into curiosity.
And remember, your emotions are messengers.
They're not your.
Sadness means something mattered.
Anger means a boundary was crossed or something is unjust.
Anxiety means something feels unsafe or unpredictable.
Each emotion is a signal light, not a complete stop.
So the next time your body gives you that tight sinking feeling, don't silence it.
Whisper this phrase yourself.
My body's remembering what my mind is trying to forget.
Thank you body for reminding me.
You don't have to know the full reason either.
Listening right now is plenty.
That is enough.
So last but not least, commandment Number 10, thou shalt.
Remember, change is not linear.
It's a rewiring of survival.
Your brain is a don't get killed device.
It will choose the familiar path over unfamiliar growth.
Because safety once meant survival.
It constantly tries to predict the future and avoid discomfort, but both
certainty and control are illusions.
So as you walk this path to becoming you, . You're going to progress.
You might regress a little bit and then you'll repeat.
And it's not failure.
That's the way it works.
That's the human experience.
The cliched three steps forward, one or two steps back is okay,
there's acceptance there.
Because acceptance doesn't mean apathy or that you're doing
anything wrong, it just is.
Acceptance means to take in without defense in its entirety.
I'm accepting the fact that I'll make some progress and then I might have a
setback or two because every time you return to the present and get back on
this path of healing, you're cutting new neural pathways in your brain and that
builds deeper awareness and commitment.
And over time, that will shift and it will change.
And all of a sudden, this is what you do.
It's not something that you're trying to get back to that's not doing this perfect.
That's healing.
Okay, let's get to a couple of cut examples.
He disappears for four days after an argument that acts like nothing happened.
The cycle starts again and again.
And I used to think I was crazy for still hoping that things would be different.
And I would go back in, I would rule it out.
But now I see I wasn't crazy, I was conditioned.
Or another example, even after learning about narcissism and extreme emotional
immaturity, it took me months to accept that my partner wouldn't change.
I would think maybe they'll see now that I've said it better
or I'm showing up differently.
And I kept trying even after I knew.
But now I know it wasn't stupidity, it was habit.
Or example number three, I finally left, but I still have dreams about him.
Sometimes I wake up and I miss the version of him that I wish existed,
and I really don't like that.
But I also know healing isn't about never missing him.
It's about learning.
Why do I, and then what do I do when I recognize that, that one is so
profound of a cut because it's this concept of whole object relations.
I can still.
Be grateful to be out of a unhealthy marriage.
I can also be sad about it and I can also remember good times
that we did have, and I can also remember times that weren't so good.
And as an emotionally mature adult human, you can do all of those
things pretty much in tandem.
So what's happening emotionally here?
Remember your brain's designed to predict and to look for what feels familiar.
Because familiar once meant safety.
Even when the familiar hurts, it feels stable.
It's the norm.
The unknown, even if it's better, feels risky.
So when you finally take a break or you leave, your nervous system
is gonna freak out because you crave the familiar pattern.
Because it's familiar, because it's predictable.
That's why people relapse into toxic relationships or
they second guess progress.
It's not weakness.
It's your neurology.
It's your deeply rutted neuro pathways in your brain.
It's the familiar, if you've been walking on a dirt path for years, the more you
walk it, the deeper the groove gets.
Then one day you try to cut through the tall grass and.
Start a new path and it's harder and it's slower and it's scratchier
and you're tempted to go back to the old road, not because it's
better, but because it's worn.
That's the rewiring of the brain.
That's neuroplasticity.
Walking the new path on purpose again and again until it
starts to feel more like home.
Now, why we keep looking back?
Progress doesn't feel like progress.
I mean, define what that feels like.
Often when I ask somebody what would progress look like?
The number one answer is, I dunno, I'll just know it when I do, when I get there.
But it doesn't necessarily feel like anything.
Sometimes progress will feel like grief.
You're grieving the person you thought that they were, the person that you
had wanted to be earlier in your marriage, the future you imagined
the version of yourself in that story you wanted so desperately to live.
And grief does not move in a straight line.
It will circle back.
You'll have good days and setback days and days when you feel free
and days when you miss that person.
And that doesn't mean you failed.
It means your body and your brain are syncing up with the truth
that your heart already knows.
So how do you apply this commandment?
Expect regression, accept regression.
It's normal.
It's human.
It means you're actually on the right path.
You will text them again.
You will most likely replay old memories.
You will have moments of doubt that's not backsliding, that's exposure therapy.
Every time you revisit it, it's a chance to respond differently.
Separate thoughts from actions thinking about them doesn't
mean you want them back.
Missing somebody doesn't mean that they were good for you.
Thoughts are just these echoes that are happening, not necessarily
instructions and track that there it is.
Moments, every time you recognize an old familiar pattern of
manipulation, a guilt trip, an urge to overexplain say, oh, there it is.
That's awareness.
And awareness is growth.
When and if you get pulled back or you feel pulled back into the old
dynamic, say this out loud, my brain is craving familiar pattern because
it doesn't trust unfamiliar peace.
Then do one small thing that represents growth, whether it's
journaling, texting a friend, pet an animal, take a walk, breathe.
And each one of those moments
. Is getting a rep in for your healing muscles.
Okay, so as we wrap things up today, hopefully you're realizing something
you've been running on empty for so long, you forgot what calm feels like,
and maybe it's time to raise that emotional baseline and to rest and
breathe and let stillness feel safe again.
And maybe you've been questioning your own memory or your own truth.
If that's you, it's time to get that PhD in gaslighting, not to
prove them wrong, but to remind yourself that you are never crazy.
Or maybe you're just a little bit crazy in a nice way.
You're surviving confusion and maybe you're still pulling that rope in the
emotional tug of war, hoping that they'll finally meet you halfway, which actually
means you'll pull 'em into the pit.
But I digress.
But remember, peace isn't found in the tug of war.
It's found in dropping the rope.
And maybe you've tried to step boundaries and they've pushed through every single
one, but now it's time to hold them anyway because each time you do your
teaching yourself that your peace matters and that you can do difficult things.
So maybe you've been writing really long messages and searching for that
perfect sentence, or sending them the podcast that will change their life.
That will finally make them realize that they don't get it.
And you need to recognize you won't give them that epiphany,
but you can certainly give yourself clarity.
And maybe you've opened up time and time again and explained and over explained
only to have your words used against you.
So from now on, limit that attack surface.
You don't owe access to anybody who mishandles your vulnerability.
And if you've been called selfish or cold or dramatic, take a closer look at that.
That's their projection.
You are not what they're saying.
You are.
You are learning to see through their reflection, to find your own.
And if you've lost your spark and your humor and your sense of
self, know that it's still there.
It's waiting for you to honor your inner dialogue again, to speak kindly
to that inner child, that person who's carried you through all of this.
You're still there and you're getting through it.
And when your stomach twists and your chest tightens, it's not weakness.
That's actually wisdom.
Trust your gut.
Listen to your emotions.
They're not problems to fix their signals, and they're pointing
you toward this emotional home.
And if you stumble and if you circle back, and if you remember why
healing feels messy, remember, you are not broken, you are rewiring.
Change is not linear.
You're walking new paths where old pain used to live, you're
not failing your waking up and you don't have to do it alone.
If you would like a PDF copy of these 10 commandments, please reach out
to me at contact@tonyoverbay.com.
And while you're there, sign up for my newsletter, find me on substack.
A lot of content's happening on substack.
It's substack.com/i believe it's at the virtual couch.
Follow me on Instagram at virtual couch and on TikTok at virtual couch.
And if you have ever thought you needed help and you're not really sure where
to turn and you really resonate or jive with my content, there are times where
I have some spots open and I could help.
So if that's something you might be interested in, reach out to
me and let me know what you're going through and how I can help.
If you're a woman who's in a relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally
immature partner, or fill in the blank, pet boss parent, reach out,
join my private women's Facebook group.
It's a space filled with support and empathy and people who are all
at different places on this path.
And if you are a guy who's realizing you are in a relationship with someone
who's emotionally immature, or maybe you're waking up to your own emotional
immaturity, reach out to me as well.
Learn about my men's emotional Architects group.
It's where guys are learning to build strength from vulnerability
and connection from curiosity and confidence from integrity.
Because wherever you're at the moment, you stop surviving and you start growing,
that's when your life begins to open up.
You are not alone, it's never too late, and you're not doing it wrong.
You're just waking up.
Thanks for joining me today, everybody.
I would love your feedback, send your questions, any thoughts that you may have,
any ideas, share this with somebody if you think it might help, and I will see
you next time on Waking Up to Narcissism.