WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:03.081 --> 00:00:03.441 Hey everybody. 00:00:03.441 --> 00:00:06.261 Welcome to another episode of Waking Up to Narcissism. 00:00:06.261 --> 00:00:07.761 I am your host, Tony Overbay. 00:00:08.331 --> 00:00:11.571 I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and today I bring to you the 00:00:11.571 --> 00:00:15.711 10th episode in the Death by a thousand Cuts series, and that's a series that 00:00:15.711 --> 00:00:19.611 I never actually thought would become a series when I put out the first one three 00:00:19.611 --> 00:00:23.558 years ago, by far, the Death by a Thousand Cuts episodes are the ones that I received 00:00:23.558 --> 00:00:27.211 the most feedback from, and they have the most downloads , and actually the concepts 00:00:27.211 --> 00:00:31.411 around the Amygdala Hijack and the trauma bond, those also get shared a lot. 00:00:31.461 --> 00:00:35.631 Today, we're gonna go in a lot of different directions while addressing 00:00:35.721 --> 00:00:37.341 the Death by a thousand Cuts concept. 00:00:37.515 --> 00:00:41.005 , But before we get started, I want to read a poem, that may sound a bit 00:00:41.005 --> 00:00:42.865 self-serving when we get to the end. 00:00:42.990 --> 00:00:46.480 I think it plays to how important your feedback is. 00:00:46.646 --> 00:00:48.753 So I want your examples, whoever you are. 00:00:48.873 --> 00:00:52.143 If you're in a relationship with an emotionally immature or narcissistic 00:00:52.143 --> 00:00:55.233 individual, and you resonate with these Death by a Thousand Cuts 00:00:55.233 --> 00:00:58.413 episodes, and you thought to yourself, I can fill a page with all of these 00:00:58.593 --> 00:01:03.110 myself, I want those pages I promise it, it will be therapeutic for you. 00:01:03.590 --> 00:01:07.310 But also, if you send them to me through my website, tony over bay.com, and let me 00:01:07.310 --> 00:01:10.420 know if you're open to having those read, and I can change some of the details if 00:01:10.420 --> 00:01:13.070 that's what would make it easier for you. 00:01:13.610 --> 00:01:17.403 I'll read those in episode 11 of The Death by a Thousand Cut series. 00:01:17.403 --> 00:01:20.933 They make it out to people they resonate and they change lives. 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:24.560 But first, lemme read this poem, it's simply titled, death by a Thousand Cuts. 00:01:24.610 --> 00:01:27.190 And it's written by a survivor of narcissistic abuse. 00:01:27.250 --> 00:01:28.600 And she wrote poet's note. 00:01:29.230 --> 00:01:31.570 This poem is my first stitch. 00:01:32.200 --> 00:01:35.380 After years of bleeding quietly, this was the moment that I picked up the needle. 00:01:36.010 --> 00:01:38.560 Every line is a wound turned witness. 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:41.530 Every truth spoken here is a thread pulling me back to myself. 00:01:42.160 --> 00:01:45.820 It's not healing all at once, but about starting to wake up. 00:01:46.360 --> 00:01:48.100 It's a beginning and beginnings are sacred. 00:01:48.610 --> 00:01:52.210 I hand wrote the poem below in my journal on June 22nd, 2024, while 00:01:52.210 --> 00:01:55.600 sitting on the patio, and he caught me in the middle of writing it. 00:01:56.020 --> 00:01:57.370 But that was a turning point for me. 00:01:57.700 --> 00:02:00.850 A month later, I found an extraordinary therapist who specialized in emotionally 00:02:00.850 --> 00:02:05.485 immature and narcissistic relationships, and we started doing the hard work and 00:02:05.485 --> 00:02:08.950 it started my healing journey, and it was truly a life-changing experience. 00:02:08.950 --> 00:02:11.200 And I'm proud of myself for having the courage to sit in the 00:02:11.200 --> 00:02:14.320 discomfort in order to find my authentic self and my voice again. 00:02:15.010 --> 00:02:15.940 So here's her poem. 00:02:16.900 --> 00:02:18.605 I am tired of breathing toxic air. 00:02:19.175 --> 00:02:21.275 I'm tired of receiving disgusting stairs. 00:02:21.815 --> 00:02:25.955 I'm tired of doing damage control, and I'm tired of losing parts of my soul. 00:02:26.705 --> 00:02:28.895 I'm tired of not having a soft place to fall. 00:02:29.495 --> 00:02:31.595 I'm tired of feeling that I have to risk it all. 00:02:32.225 --> 00:02:34.205 I'm tired of always walking on eggshells. 00:02:34.595 --> 00:02:36.395 I'm tired of living inside a private hell. 00:02:37.175 --> 00:02:40.265 I'm tired of feeling anxious and nervous and scared, and I'm tired 00:02:40.265 --> 00:02:41.645 of pretending that I never cared. 00:02:42.305 --> 00:02:43.895 I'm tired of being a different person. 00:02:44.165 --> 00:02:46.265 I'm tired of feeling that each day will worsen. 00:02:46.955 --> 00:02:50.075 I'm tired of always hoping that you will change after years 00:02:50.075 --> 00:02:51.305 of watching you stay the same. 00:02:52.055 --> 00:02:55.505 I'm tired of hearing broken promises and lies, and I'm tired 00:02:55.505 --> 00:02:57.005 of wondering why I even try. 00:02:57.755 --> 00:02:59.225 I'm tired of thinking it's my fault. 00:02:59.915 --> 00:03:01.895 I'm tired of this life just grinding to a halt. 00:03:02.495 --> 00:03:06.095 I'm tired of feeling this sick, tight, dead heart, and I'm tired 00:03:06.095 --> 00:03:07.475 of watching myself fall apart. 00:03:08.375 --> 00:03:12.575 I'm tired of trying to protect my kids from your damage and your emotional bids. 00:03:13.235 --> 00:03:15.275 I'm tired of being sad and hopeless each day. 00:03:16.145 --> 00:03:18.425 I am tired of hiding behind a smile when I feel this way. 00:03:19.415 --> 00:03:23.465 I'm tired of looking at couples in love wondering who cursed me from above. 00:03:24.095 --> 00:03:27.755 I'm tired of dreaming of being held by arms that heal, not 00:03:27.815 --> 00:03:29.075 the ones that I was dealt. 00:03:29.975 --> 00:03:34.715 I'm tired of harsh words right after sweet of kindness that hides the trap beneath. 00:03:35.030 --> 00:03:38.105 I'm tired of eye rolls and size and deep breaths. 00:03:38.255 --> 00:03:40.325 I'm tired of stacking my tiny deaths. 00:03:41.105 --> 00:03:42.725 I'm tired of explaining myself again. 00:03:43.265 --> 00:03:44.825 I'm tired of feeling like I'm insane. 00:03:45.545 --> 00:03:47.345 I'm tired of being told you do the same. 00:03:47.975 --> 00:03:49.325 I'm tired of carrying your shame. 00:03:50.195 --> 00:03:52.055 I'm tired of being told others are to blame. 00:03:52.595 --> 00:03:54.365 I'm tired of living in this twisted game. 00:03:55.145 --> 00:03:55.955 I'm tired of hearing. 00:03:55.955 --> 00:03:59.495 Believe me, I'll change when it's clear you're just playing the same old game. 00:04:00.155 --> 00:04:03.695 I'm tired of explaining what I mean only for you to play the victim scene. 00:04:04.685 --> 00:04:08.285 That was your last cut that I will take because I found Tony's 00:04:08.285 --> 00:04:09.725 podcast and now I'm awake. 00:04:09.944 --> 00:04:13.364 I am truly grateful for that poet who sent that message in and hopefully 00:04:13.364 --> 00:04:17.114 today's episode, death by a Thousand Cuts, the 10 Commandments, the ones 00:04:17.114 --> 00:04:20.564 that you didn't even know that you were most likely still breaking, might touch 00:04:20.654 --> 00:04:24.164 someone's heart, touch the heart of somebody who wonders, am I the problem? 00:04:24.554 --> 00:04:25.334 Is it just me? 00:04:25.334 --> 00:04:26.084 Am I going crazy? 00:04:26.084 --> 00:04:26.984 Am I the narcissist? 00:04:27.404 --> 00:04:30.734 And yet, they're on this journey of trying to find out and discover. 00:04:30.734 --> 00:04:33.884 Because if you are continually asking yourself, if you are the problem, 00:04:34.214 --> 00:04:36.494 if you're the narcissist, there's a pretty good chance it's not you. 00:04:37.064 --> 00:04:39.254 'cause you're the one that's trying to figure this out. 00:04:39.254 --> 00:04:41.234 You are the one that's trying to heal. 00:04:42.104 --> 00:04:46.724 So today, in honor of episode 10 in the series, we're gonna go a little biblical. 00:04:47.204 --> 00:04:50.864 So I would like to introduce you to the 10 emotional commandments, the 00:04:50.864 --> 00:04:53.414 ones that you didn't even know that you were most likely still breaking. 00:04:54.064 --> 00:04:58.654 I am, I'm not here to part any seas or turn water into wine, but I'm about 00:04:58.654 --> 00:05:00.304 to hand you something almost sacred. 00:05:00.814 --> 00:05:05.104 10 reminders about self-worth that, that you may need to write and do 00:05:05.104 --> 00:05:07.714 so and dry erase marker because they will get erased from time to time. 00:05:07.714 --> 00:05:08.284 You'll forget. 00:05:08.284 --> 00:05:11.284 But that just means that you can write them again and 00:05:11.284 --> 00:05:12.574 they aren't carved in stone. 00:05:12.604 --> 00:05:16.384 They're carved more in this emotional scar tissue scribbled in the margins of 00:05:16.384 --> 00:05:19.814 old journals and unsent text messages , when you've been in a relationship 00:05:19.814 --> 00:05:22.754 with somebody who is incredibly emotionally immature, even bordering 00:05:22.754 --> 00:05:26.384 on narcissistic traits, tendencies, full blown narcissistic personality 00:05:26.384 --> 00:05:29.864 disorder, it can start to feel like there is a whole unspoken rule book. 00:05:30.554 --> 00:05:31.664 Thou shalt not question. 00:05:31.844 --> 00:05:33.284 Thou shalt not express needs. 00:05:33.554 --> 00:05:35.264 Thou shalt not expect accountability. 00:05:35.744 --> 00:05:40.004 And if you dare break those commandments, that's when the emotional plague sets in. 00:05:40.964 --> 00:05:41.654 But here's the twist. 00:05:41.654 --> 00:05:44.804 These 10 emotional commandments are not about obeying rules. 00:05:44.804 --> 00:05:48.474 They're about breaking the old ones the survival rules that once kept 00:05:48.474 --> 00:05:51.354 you small and quiet and responsible for everybody else's feelings. 00:05:52.329 --> 00:05:55.569 These are the new commandments, the ones that we're still learning and still 00:05:55.569 --> 00:06:01.179 stumbling through and still breaking, but breaking better every time because 00:06:01.239 --> 00:06:04.389 it's so important to remember that growth is not clean and healing doesn't 00:06:04.389 --> 00:06:06.459 come with gold stars or final exams. 00:06:06.612 --> 00:06:09.282 Healing can actually be completely overwhelming at first, and it 00:06:09.282 --> 00:06:13.422 can be confusing and it can be disorienting until one day it isn't. 00:06:13.636 --> 00:06:16.996 One day you realize you spent so much time trying to give your emotionally immature 00:06:16.996 --> 00:06:20.776 or narcissistic partner their aha moment that you forgot to create your own. 00:06:21.226 --> 00:06:24.166 And you're actually the only person that can give yourself that aha moment. 00:06:24.826 --> 00:06:27.616 So today I want you to consider this episode your 00:06:27.646 --> 00:06:29.686 Lost Scroll of Survival Wisdom. 00:06:30.106 --> 00:06:32.776 It's gonna be equal parts validating, probably a little bit frustrating, 00:06:32.776 --> 00:06:34.786 and maybe at times overwhelming. 00:06:35.181 --> 00:06:38.031 . But look at this as a guide for anybody who's ever tried to reason 00:06:38.031 --> 00:06:40.581 with an emotionally immature person or a narcissistic person, 00:06:40.881 --> 00:06:42.411 and still live to tell the tale. 00:06:42.514 --> 00:06:45.084 I wanna walk you through these 10 emotional commandments not to 00:06:45.084 --> 00:06:48.894 achieve sainthood, or that you're expected to be perfect, but I just 00:06:48.894 --> 00:06:49.974 wanna help you find some sanity. 00:06:49.974 --> 00:06:52.614 And then maybe just maybe to finally feel seen in the places 00:06:52.614 --> 00:06:54.114 where you have often felt small. 00:06:54.232 --> 00:06:56.482 , The truth is, you can't win emotional health in the way 00:06:56.482 --> 00:06:57.682 that you would win an argument. 00:06:57.712 --> 00:07:00.412 And honestly, thank goodness for that because narcissistic people 00:07:00.622 --> 00:07:01.672 are pretty darn good at arguing. 00:07:02.332 --> 00:07:04.177 They can change the narrative in real time. 00:07:04.177 --> 00:07:08.392 And I'm sure that if you're listening to this, you've watched it happen, . You 00:07:08.812 --> 00:07:11.842 can only keep waking up, waking up to yourself, waking up to your power, and 00:07:11.842 --> 00:07:15.202 most importantly, waking up to the fact that, that even if you are still breaking 00:07:15.202 --> 00:07:20.212 these commandments, it means you are now aware you, you know what you didn't know. 00:07:20.212 --> 00:07:23.047 And soon you'll start to do a little bit more than you did before until one day. 00:07:23.702 --> 00:07:25.777 You are not even trying to do it anymore. 00:07:25.777 --> 00:07:27.307 You're just, it's just part of who you are. 00:07:27.307 --> 00:07:31.717 You're just being, this is what I do and that my, my amazing, wonderful 00:07:31.717 --> 00:07:33.487 listeners that is the real promised land. 00:07:33.643 --> 00:07:36.463 Let me present to you the 10 emotional commandments that 00:07:36.463 --> 00:07:37.333 you're probably still breaking. 00:07:37.663 --> 00:07:40.033 And we're gonna go through these cuts and I'm gonna apply the 10 00:07:40.033 --> 00:07:43.333 Commandments to the various examples of death by a thousand cuts. 00:07:43.753 --> 00:07:48.193 Now the first five commandments come straight from my previously recorded 00:07:48.193 --> 00:07:51.493 and mentioned five rules of interacting with the emotionally immature. 00:07:51.613 --> 00:07:54.763 I have an episode quite a while ago where I tried to come up with a clever name and 00:07:54.763 --> 00:07:56.173 I can't even remember what that name was. 00:07:56.173 --> 00:07:59.593 So it obviously was not as clever as I thought it would be, but 00:07:59.593 --> 00:08:03.223 I think now integrating them into these 10 commandments, they 00:08:03.223 --> 00:08:04.213 maybe have found their home. 00:08:04.753 --> 00:08:06.163 So here are the emotional 10 Commandments. 00:08:06.163 --> 00:08:08.563 I'm gonna go through 'em quickly and then we'll dig into 'em deeper. 00:08:09.073 --> 00:08:12.523 Commandment one, thou shalt raise thy emotional baseline commandment. 00:08:12.523 --> 00:08:14.833 Number two, thou get thy PhD in gaslighting. 00:08:15.613 --> 00:08:17.533 Commandment Number three, thou shalt drop the rope of the 00:08:17.533 --> 00:08:19.693 emotional tug of war commandment. 00:08:19.693 --> 00:08:22.363 Number four, thou shalt set boundaries and mean them. 00:08:23.113 --> 00:08:23.683 In commandment. 00:08:23.683 --> 00:08:26.413 Five thou shalt stop searching for the perfect words. 00:08:26.413 --> 00:08:29.653 Thou shalt never give thy spouse an epiphany or an aha. 00:08:29.653 --> 00:08:34.738 Moment commandment six thou shalt limit thine attack, surface and commandment. 00:08:34.813 --> 00:08:39.193 Seven thou shalt recognize projection, especially thy own commandment. 00:08:39.193 --> 00:08:43.280 Eight, thou shalt honor thy inner dialogue commandment. 00:08:43.280 --> 00:08:47.660 Nine thou shalt trust thine gut and listen to thy emotions and commandment. 00:08:47.660 --> 00:08:48.470 10 thou shalt. 00:08:48.470 --> 00:08:50.120 Remember, change is not linear. 00:08:50.750 --> 00:08:52.340 It's a rewiring of survival. 00:08:53.480 --> 00:08:54.320 So let's break these down. 00:08:54.980 --> 00:08:57.650 Commandment number one, thou shalt raise thy emotional baseline. 00:08:58.280 --> 00:09:01.250 The biggest key to remember here is that self-care is not selfish. 00:09:01.520 --> 00:09:02.840 It's your oxygen mask. 00:09:03.380 --> 00:09:07.700 You cannot boundary or validate or differentiate your way through chaos 00:09:07.700 --> 00:09:08.990 if you are emotionally depleted. 00:09:09.830 --> 00:09:12.200 Raising your emotional baseline means a lot of things. 00:09:12.545 --> 00:09:16.025 Everything from sleep and nutrition to laughter and movement and pets 00:09:16.025 --> 00:09:17.885 and therapy and groups and books. 00:09:18.335 --> 00:09:22.445 I would encourage you to not view these as luxuries that I don't have time for. 00:09:23.225 --> 00:09:26.435 They're more like non-negotiable survival gear. 00:09:27.365 --> 00:09:32.135 If you don't create time for yourself to raise your emotional baseline, 00:09:32.165 --> 00:09:33.305 people aren't gonna do it for you. 00:09:34.205 --> 00:09:36.635 And when you're in a better place internally, you can show up so much better 00:09:36.635 --> 00:09:40.775 externally and you will be up for the task at hand, which is waking up to the 00:09:40.775 --> 00:09:44.705 emotional immaturity or narcissism in your relationship or maybe even in yourself. 00:09:46.085 --> 00:09:50.675 So the first cut example, he would always wait until midnight to start a fight. 00:09:50.825 --> 00:09:52.235 Keeping me up until I was exhausted. 00:09:52.415 --> 00:09:54.905 I was working full time, I was taking care of six kids, I was 00:09:54.905 --> 00:09:57.515 doing everything and he didn't work. 00:09:58.325 --> 00:10:00.515 I would say I was done and that he needed to leave. 00:10:00.515 --> 00:10:02.795 And he would just say, you know, lemme just, lemme just stay until the 00:10:02.795 --> 00:10:06.545 morning and then would keep me awake, fighting and by the next day I would be 00:10:06.545 --> 00:10:08.615 too drained to even ask him to leave. 00:10:09.755 --> 00:10:10.715 Another cut example. 00:10:10.985 --> 00:10:13.235 I remember constantly wondering, why am I so tired? 00:10:13.325 --> 00:10:14.195 Why do I feel numb? 00:10:14.375 --> 00:10:16.985 Why does every conversation feel like I am just walking on eggshells? 00:10:17.675 --> 00:10:21.635 Every incident seemed so small, but the exhaustion and my increased 00:10:21.635 --> 00:10:25.025 hyper vigilance all started to add up, and that's when I realized I 00:10:25.025 --> 00:10:26.465 wasn't tired because I was weak. 00:10:26.975 --> 00:10:28.475 I think my body was in survival mode. 00:10:29.345 --> 00:10:30.365 So what's actually happening? 00:10:30.815 --> 00:10:33.275 What you hear in these cuts isn't just stress. 00:10:33.275 --> 00:10:35.255 It's a body that is stuck in survival mode. 00:10:35.885 --> 00:10:39.065 When you live with emotional immaturity or narcissism, your nervous system 00:10:39.065 --> 00:10:40.655 never really gets to take a rest. 00:10:41.465 --> 00:10:41.735 It. 00:10:41.795 --> 00:10:44.645 It's like your brain is constantly scanning the room for danger. 00:10:44.645 --> 00:10:48.815 There's no time to reset all the things that need to be reset in your brain 00:10:48.875 --> 00:10:50.645 in order for you to get back to calm. 00:10:51.455 --> 00:10:53.885 You're constantly wondering, okay, what's, what's going on? 00:10:53.885 --> 00:10:55.205 I have to be hypervigilant. 00:10:55.205 --> 00:10:55.955 Is tonight safe? 00:10:55.955 --> 00:10:58.025 Is this gonna be another argument where the kid's at? 00:10:58.025 --> 00:10:58.985 Is the house clean enough? 00:10:59.405 --> 00:11:03.605 Hope his day was okay, or herse, is it okay to even take a breath 00:11:04.505 --> 00:11:08.075 that's not living, that's bracing for an impact of what's to come? 00:11:09.140 --> 00:11:12.650 And when you stay in this constant state of stress or hypervigilance, your fight or 00:11:12.650 --> 00:11:14.540 flight response is constantly activated. 00:11:15.110 --> 00:11:19.010 And the more you stay in a constant state of stress and arousal, the higher 00:11:19.010 --> 00:11:22.570 your baseline cortisol levels become you're bumping up against your startle 00:11:22.570 --> 00:11:24.160 response and almost everything you do. 00:11:24.550 --> 00:11:26.290 So anything can set you off. 00:11:27.070 --> 00:11:29.950 And when somebody deliberately picks fights at night or keeps 00:11:29.950 --> 00:11:33.220 you awake with circular arguments, it's not just inconsiderate, 00:11:33.220 --> 00:11:34.240 it's a form of conditioning. 00:11:34.600 --> 00:11:37.900 'cause it keeps you tired and tired, keeps you disoriented and disoriented 00:11:37.900 --> 00:11:39.730 and tired, makes you easier to control. 00:11:40.690 --> 00:11:43.660 A well-rested, grounded person is much harder to manipulate, 00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:45.010 but an exhausted one. 00:11:45.610 --> 00:11:47.830 They'll often say yes just to make the noise stop. 00:11:48.110 --> 00:11:52.190 So if you feel lazy or foggy or weak, your body isn't actually failing you. 00:11:52.190 --> 00:11:54.740 It's trying to do exactly what it's designed to do Under chronic 00:11:54.740 --> 00:12:00.050 stress, conserve energy, numb out and survive until the threat passes. 00:12:00.680 --> 00:12:03.030 But what if you're living under the roof with that threat? 00:12:04.385 --> 00:12:07.715 If you are staying in your own head and trying to figure this out, please 00:12:07.715 --> 00:12:11.015 reach out for support, therapy, coaching, spiritual guidance, 00:12:11.015 --> 00:12:12.605 whatever works for you, start there. 00:12:12.845 --> 00:12:16.965 'cause when you don't know what you don't know, it's so much easier to 00:12:16.965 --> 00:12:18.735 try to make everything our own fault. 00:12:19.125 --> 00:12:20.505 'cause if it's my fault I can change it. 00:12:21.195 --> 00:12:24.135 But if it's the way my partner's showing up, then I might have to deal 00:12:24.135 --> 00:12:25.575 with some really uncomfortable truths. 00:12:25.875 --> 00:12:26.685 And yes. 00:12:26.835 --> 00:12:29.745 I am a couple's therapist and I know a couple's therapy with a 00:12:29.745 --> 00:12:31.215 narcissist can be controversial. 00:12:31.725 --> 00:12:35.475 But I would imagine if you're listening to podcasts like this, you're probably 00:12:35.475 --> 00:12:38.985 still in the process of trying to figure out who is the narcissist. 00:12:39.525 --> 00:12:42.088 'cause you're in this process of waking up and that takes time. 00:12:42.088 --> 00:12:42.628 And that's okay. 00:12:43.378 --> 00:12:47.548 And the reason why these cuts like this hurt so bad, coming back to 00:12:47.548 --> 00:12:50.368 commandment one and raising your emotional baseline, you can't raise 00:12:50.368 --> 00:12:53.248 your baseline when you're constantly managing everyone else's emotions. 00:12:53.758 --> 00:12:57.298 'cause all of a sudden you're running a 24 hour emotional daycare for little humans, 00:12:57.298 --> 00:12:59.068 but also probably a full grown adult. 00:12:59.488 --> 00:13:00.958 And that's what starts to drain you. 00:13:01.528 --> 00:13:03.808 But the tricky part is because you've been in that dynamic so 00:13:03.808 --> 00:13:07.618 long, chaos feels like the normal quiet starts to feel suspicious. 00:13:07.648 --> 00:13:08.518 Uhoh, what's going on? 00:13:08.698 --> 00:13:08.938 What? 00:13:08.938 --> 00:13:09.268 What am I? 00:13:09.268 --> 00:13:09.898 What's coming? 00:13:10.378 --> 00:13:14.088 Your body confuses stillness with danger because it's not used to it yet. 00:13:14.148 --> 00:13:17.898 And that's why early healing can feel really unpredictable and uncomfortable. 00:13:18.138 --> 00:13:21.108 'cause your nervous system doesn't even know what to do with peace. 00:13:22.068 --> 00:13:25.458 So raising your emotional baseline is not just about bubble baths and mantras, 00:13:25.518 --> 00:13:28.698 which, although those are fine, I'm a fan of a good bubble bath and I've been 00:13:28.698 --> 00:13:32.388 embracing different mantras, but it's more about getting your brain and your body out 00:13:32.388 --> 00:13:35.978 of survival mode just long enough to see clearly even if it's just for a moment. 00:13:36.132 --> 00:13:38.442 Let me go over some ways to apply this commandment. 00:13:39.282 --> 00:13:41.382 Step one, stabilize your body first. 00:13:41.382 --> 00:13:45.582 When you've been living in fight flight, freeze fawn for so long. 00:13:46.032 --> 00:13:47.832 Start with the physical regulation. 00:13:48.192 --> 00:13:50.502 Sleep is ideal, although I know that might be difficult. 00:13:50.502 --> 00:13:53.052 You may need to even go see your doctor about a sleep aid, 00:13:53.052 --> 00:13:54.582 something to just get you started. 00:13:55.032 --> 00:13:59.862 Hydration is so important, and it might not seem like a big deal, but hydrate. 00:14:00.822 --> 00:14:02.742 Try to eat a little bit better and move. 00:14:02.922 --> 00:14:06.132 Get up and move even if it's just for a little bit, because 00:14:06.132 --> 00:14:07.572 your nervous system can't heal. 00:14:07.662 --> 00:14:09.732 If it doesn't feel physically safe. 00:14:10.392 --> 00:14:13.242 In step two, protect your energy, like it's the air you breathe. 00:14:13.512 --> 00:14:17.832 Ask yourself who or what drains me, who or what grounds me? 00:14:18.642 --> 00:14:20.982 And then spend time with the people and the things and the places 00:14:20.982 --> 00:14:23.322 that cause you to feel a little more grounded, a little more safe. 00:14:23.352 --> 00:14:25.902 Even if that means saying no to certain things more often. 00:14:26.862 --> 00:14:30.702 It's so cliched, but you cannot pour from an empty cup and you 00:14:30.702 --> 00:14:33.342 especially can't pour from a cup that somebody keeps knocking over. 00:14:34.272 --> 00:14:37.782 Step three, create these little micro rituals of calm. 00:14:37.812 --> 00:14:40.392 So instead of waiting for the big vacations I'll wait till 00:14:40.392 --> 00:14:41.472 I have a big break of time. 00:14:42.132 --> 00:14:44.772 Start practicing with little moments throughout the. 00:14:45.927 --> 00:14:48.147 Build reset moments into your daily routine. 00:14:48.237 --> 00:14:50.937 If you have to sit in your car for a minute or two before you head home, 00:14:51.447 --> 00:14:54.442 take a couple of deep breaths before and after a difficult text exchange. 00:14:54.982 --> 00:14:57.832 Listen to something that centers you while you're folding laundry, 00:14:57.862 --> 00:14:59.692 while you're making your own food. 00:15:00.082 --> 00:15:03.982 Each moment like this teaches your brain that peace isn't random, 00:15:03.982 --> 00:15:06.502 it's available, and that's the key. 00:15:06.532 --> 00:15:10.642 It's available and it's accessible, and you can actually access it almost 00:15:10.642 --> 00:15:12.892 whenever you need it, if you will. 00:15:12.892 --> 00:15:15.082 Accept the fact that it might be in shorter bursts than 00:15:15.082 --> 00:15:16.192 you think would be ideal. 00:15:17.032 --> 00:15:19.562 Step four, . Identify the energy leaks. 00:15:19.712 --> 00:15:21.092 Notice when you feel that familiar. 00:15:21.092 --> 00:15:23.732 Drop the dread before a phone call. 00:15:23.732 --> 00:15:27.062 The fatigue after an interaction, that's your body saying this may 00:15:27.062 --> 00:15:29.402 cost a little too much, so can we just pay a little more attention? 00:15:29.862 --> 00:15:35.162 And step five, I need you to reframe rest as your healthy rebellion. 00:15:35.162 --> 00:15:38.312 If you've lived with somebody who's used your exhaustion as control, 00:15:38.792 --> 00:15:40.712 then choosing rest is pretty crazy. 00:15:40.832 --> 00:15:41.227 It's radical. 00:15:41.912 --> 00:15:45.422 It's like saying you don't get to decide how much life I have left in me. 00:15:45.812 --> 00:15:47.792 So watch out 'cause I'm about to rest. 00:15:49.082 --> 00:15:51.392 So tonight, before bed, ask yourself, what's one thing that 00:15:51.392 --> 00:15:53.432 I can do tomorrow that will help my body feel a little safer? 00:15:53.492 --> 00:15:55.652 Maybe it's skipping, responding to a text immediately. 00:15:55.982 --> 00:15:57.362 Maybe it's going for a brief walk. 00:15:57.362 --> 00:15:59.342 Maybe it's just taking a full breath before you respond. 00:16:00.062 --> 00:16:02.012 That's how you start raising your emotional baseline. 00:16:02.312 --> 00:16:04.172 One regulated moment at a time. 00:16:05.192 --> 00:16:08.222 Now commandment two thou shalt get thy PhD in gaslighting. 00:16:08.222 --> 00:16:11.042 If you're constantly explaining and defending or doubting your memory, 00:16:11.392 --> 00:16:14.332 your class is already in session, probably has been for quite a while. 00:16:15.202 --> 00:16:17.092 So I want you to be able to recognize the script. 00:16:17.752 --> 00:16:19.942 Those things like that never happened. 00:16:19.942 --> 00:16:20.902 You are too sensitive. 00:16:20.902 --> 00:16:21.712 You are crazy. 00:16:22.282 --> 00:16:24.592 You're being trained to distrust yourself. 00:16:25.102 --> 00:16:28.282 So study the pattern until you can spot it from a mile away because 00:16:28.282 --> 00:16:32.042 awareness becomes your syllabus in this school of self-protection. 00:16:32.852 --> 00:16:34.922 So here's the cut examples that go along with this commandment. 00:16:36.407 --> 00:16:38.237 He bought expensive concert tickets behind my back. 00:16:38.237 --> 00:16:40.667 After we'd agreed that money was tight, he said that they 00:16:40.667 --> 00:16:41.777 were an anniversary surprise. 00:16:41.777 --> 00:16:43.997 So if I was upset, then I looked ungrateful. 00:16:44.117 --> 00:16:46.787 And when I told him that it really did hurt my feelings that he didn't include 00:16:46.787 --> 00:16:48.257 me in the decision making process. 00:16:48.257 --> 00:16:50.567 After we'd already had this conversation, he said, Hey, I'm 00:16:50.567 --> 00:16:51.647 sorry you got your feelings hurt. 00:16:52.097 --> 00:16:53.027 That's kinda a you thing. 00:16:53.717 --> 00:16:55.757 The irony is he ended up not going. 00:16:55.907 --> 00:16:59.237 I took one of my kids instead, and we never talked about it again. 00:16:59.987 --> 00:17:04.757 But then down the road, I was chastised for not keeping the budget cut. 00:17:04.757 --> 00:17:07.907 Example number two, when I felt unseen and I finally expressed that, he 00:17:07.907 --> 00:17:09.677 told me, you're just too sensitive. 00:17:09.827 --> 00:17:14.927 And actually you're imagining things, and I don't know if you get this, but nobody 00:17:14.927 --> 00:17:16.487 else is gonna put up with your moodiness. 00:17:17.057 --> 00:17:20.087 And the problem is I believed him for years and years and years. 00:17:21.827 --> 00:17:26.447 So what's happening here, emotionally gaslighting is psychological warfare, 00:17:26.657 --> 00:17:28.847 but it's disguised as a conversation. 00:17:28.942 --> 00:17:32.632 The person can even have the correct mouth noises and tones and facial expressions 00:17:32.632 --> 00:17:35.542 that look like genuine concern while they're asking you, why are you so crazy? 00:17:36.382 --> 00:17:38.572 But it's this act of slowly convincing somebody that their 00:17:38.572 --> 00:17:41.152 memory or their perception or their emotions are unreliable. 00:17:41.452 --> 00:17:45.362 And at first it can look like confusion then self-doubt and then paralysis. 00:17:45.362 --> 00:17:47.912 And by the time you realize it's happening, you're already questioning 00:17:47.912 --> 00:17:49.862 your ability to tell what's true. 00:17:50.912 --> 00:17:52.202 And here's what it typically looks like. 00:17:52.202 --> 00:17:53.072 You bring up a concern. 00:17:53.252 --> 00:17:54.692 They don't really like the way that feels. 00:17:55.232 --> 00:17:57.992 They don't wanna take ownership or accountability because it will 00:17:57.992 --> 00:17:59.822 internally feel to them like shame. 00:18:00.182 --> 00:18:02.342 Like you're telling them, Hey, you are a bad person. 00:18:02.552 --> 00:18:03.692 That's what they hear. 00:18:03.692 --> 00:18:04.472 That's a them thing. 00:18:04.742 --> 00:18:07.202 So instead they shift the focus, Hey, actually you are overreacting. 00:18:07.262 --> 00:18:08.672 Or the old classic that never happened. 00:18:08.942 --> 00:18:11.342 Or you're totally remembering that wrong. 00:18:11.372 --> 00:18:13.952 And then you start defending your memory instead of the truth 00:18:13.952 --> 00:18:14.942 that you were trying to express. 00:18:14.942 --> 00:18:17.822 And just like that, you're off balance and you even end up apologizing 00:18:17.822 --> 00:18:18.812 for trying to bring something up. 00:18:19.382 --> 00:18:22.242 And that's the ultimate self betrayal where you think what just happened? 00:18:23.417 --> 00:18:24.922 Gaslighting cuts at the core of your identity. 00:18:25.037 --> 00:18:28.277 And most people end up in these dynamics are naturally conscientious, 00:18:28.337 --> 00:18:31.487 emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and what I like to call pathologically 00:18:31.487 --> 00:18:35.177 kind, where kindness is a good thing, but it becomes pathological 00:18:35.257 --> 00:18:36.757 , when it is to your detriment. 00:18:37.627 --> 00:18:40.987 You assume good intent and you believe if you just explain things clearly 00:18:40.987 --> 00:18:42.607 enough, then, then they'll understand. 00:18:43.507 --> 00:18:46.687 And I hear you because in emotionally mature, healthy 00:18:46.687 --> 00:18:48.057 relationships, that is true. 00:18:49.047 --> 00:18:53.577 As a couple's therapist seeing 15, 20, 25 couples a week, more than 00:18:53.577 --> 00:18:57.747 half of 'em are this emotionally immature or anxious avoidant dynamic. 00:18:57.747 --> 00:19:01.777 But the others are just people that, that resonate with my content and 00:19:01.827 --> 00:19:03.177 they don't know what they don't know. 00:19:03.177 --> 00:19:06.287 And they like the things that I'm saying, I wanna say the mouth noises 00:19:06.287 --> 00:19:08.987 I'm making, it feels like that sounds like something we could do. 00:19:09.707 --> 00:19:12.467 And then they come in and they do the work, both of them, and they change 00:19:12.497 --> 00:19:13.997 and they live happily ever after. 00:19:13.997 --> 00:19:17.087 And they shop for unicorns and they have a lep con and pot 00:19:17.087 --> 00:19:18.047 of gold and all those things. 00:19:18.977 --> 00:19:22.067 But emotionally immature people interpret accountability as an attack, 00:19:22.127 --> 00:19:23.747 and their self-esteem is fragile. 00:19:23.747 --> 00:19:26.207 So they rewrite reality to survive their own shame. 00:19:26.687 --> 00:19:28.517 Gaslighting is a childhood defense mechanism. 00:19:28.547 --> 00:19:29.537 It protects them. 00:19:29.657 --> 00:19:32.597 They cannot possibly be wrong because if so, they will get in trouble. 00:19:32.657 --> 00:19:34.427 You will leave them all or nothing, black or white. 00:19:34.667 --> 00:19:36.767 That's why their version of events keeps changing, not because 00:19:36.797 --> 00:19:40.037 you're crazy, but because their ego depends on never being wrong. 00:19:40.117 --> 00:19:43.417 And then over time, gaslighting makes you outsource your reality to others. 00:19:43.447 --> 00:19:45.457 What do you think Did, do you think I'm crazy? 00:19:45.467 --> 00:19:46.427 Do you remember that happening? 00:19:47.627 --> 00:19:51.377 And that causes you to stop trusting your gut and you start using somebody else's 00:19:51.377 --> 00:19:53.417 version of the story as your compass. 00:19:53.537 --> 00:19:56.027 And when that happens, they kind of own your piece. 00:19:56.987 --> 00:19:58.727 So how do you get your PhD in gaslighting? 00:19:59.417 --> 00:20:02.537 It doesn't mean studying them harder, it means studying you 00:20:02.537 --> 00:20:04.217 more closely than they ever could. 00:20:04.907 --> 00:20:06.527 So step one, start tracking reality. 00:20:06.527 --> 00:20:09.917 Write down what's said right after difficult interactions for so long. 00:20:09.917 --> 00:20:10.937 I hear people say. 00:20:11.327 --> 00:20:13.307 Yeah, but he tells me I shouldn't be score keeping. 00:20:13.307 --> 00:20:14.627 Or she says that, oh, really? 00:20:14.627 --> 00:20:16.517 You're writing that down and then I feel bad. 00:20:16.517 --> 00:20:18.617 And then I don't, no write things down. 00:20:18.617 --> 00:20:21.287 It's not collecting evidence for them to use against them. 00:20:21.287 --> 00:20:23.297 Although that might be a little bit of the motive. 00:20:24.317 --> 00:20:27.647 Look at it as a way to anchor you later when they say, I never said that. 00:20:28.427 --> 00:20:31.757 You'll have proof, even if it's just to yourself that you're not losing your mind. 00:20:32.387 --> 00:20:33.977 But here's a big one, we'll talk about this later. 00:20:34.427 --> 00:20:35.837 Step two, stop explaining. 00:20:35.957 --> 00:20:36.887 This one's so important. 00:20:36.887 --> 00:20:40.877 Explanations end up being just invitations to argue it's the attack surface. 00:20:41.057 --> 00:20:43.427 The more words you use, the more ammunition they have 00:20:43.637 --> 00:20:45.527 in unhealthy conversation. 00:20:46.667 --> 00:20:50.657 When you are feeling good and connected to somebody, then the more the merrier. 00:20:50.657 --> 00:20:52.187 We're gonna talk about all kinds of things. 00:20:52.307 --> 00:20:55.917 If there's genuine curiosity and not an attack and you can make 00:20:55.917 --> 00:20:57.927 space for their emotions and yours. 00:20:58.887 --> 00:21:02.757 But in narcissistic or emotionally mature relationships, practice 00:21:02.817 --> 00:21:04.227 short, neutral responses. 00:21:04.287 --> 00:21:05.217 Oh, that's not how I remember it. 00:21:05.917 --> 00:21:06.457 I guess we'll have to. 00:21:07.447 --> 00:21:09.337 Or if you're gonna continue to bring this up, then I'm not 00:21:09.337 --> 00:21:10.387 gonna keep talking about this. 00:21:11.047 --> 00:21:14.677 Each time you refuse to take the bait, you starve the dynamic of oxygen. 00:21:15.547 --> 00:21:17.077 And step three, ground your reality. 00:21:17.077 --> 00:21:20.047 In safe people find a couple of trusted voices, a friend, a therapist, 00:21:20.047 --> 00:21:23.137 a support group who can help you reality check without judgment. 00:21:23.857 --> 00:21:26.347 They don't need to fix it, they just need to witness your truth. 00:21:27.367 --> 00:21:30.847 And step four, separate truth from approval. 00:21:31.537 --> 00:21:35.347 You don't need their acknowledgement for your experience to be real or to be valid. 00:21:35.857 --> 00:21:39.157 It would be great, absolutely, but that isn't what you need. 00:21:39.307 --> 00:21:42.847 You know, you can know something happened, even if they don't agree. 00:21:43.417 --> 00:21:46.897 And every time you accept your truth without their validation, your confidence 00:21:46.897 --> 00:21:51.877 actually grows and that power, and sometimes the trauma bond will shrink. 00:21:52.807 --> 00:21:55.627 So tonight, write a sentence that starts with something like the truth 00:21:55.757 --> 00:21:57.407 that I keep second guessing is. 00:21:57.407 --> 00:21:58.787 And read it out loud to yourself. 00:21:58.817 --> 00:22:01.427 No debate, no justification, just for now, acknowledge it. 00:22:01.847 --> 00:22:02.867 This is what I remember. 00:22:03.377 --> 00:22:04.997 And that's how you begin to reclaim your mind. 00:22:06.302 --> 00:22:09.242 Commandment three thou shalt drop the rope of the emotional tug of war. 00:22:09.302 --> 00:22:12.572 When the conversation becomes a contest for reality, it's time to let go. 00:22:12.992 --> 00:22:15.572 'cause you can't convince an emotionally immature person into accountability. 00:22:15.572 --> 00:22:17.042 They don't even play the same game. 00:22:18.482 --> 00:22:20.342 Disengaging is not weakness. 00:22:20.372 --> 00:22:22.712 It's choosing your sanity over the chaos. 00:22:22.712 --> 00:22:25.682 And that's the first courageous step that some people take toward healing. 00:22:25.982 --> 00:22:29.462 It's this quiet declaration that your peace actually matters. 00:22:29.822 --> 00:22:32.912 And when you stop pulling on the rope of the emotional tug of war with the 00:22:32.912 --> 00:22:36.062 narcissist or the emotionally mature, you're modeling something powerful 00:22:36.062 --> 00:22:38.852 that your worth isn't measured by how much pain you're willing to absorb 00:22:38.852 --> 00:22:42.072 or how hard you're willing to fight someone who is not trying to connect. 00:22:42.072 --> 00:22:45.372 The first example of a cut here, every time I ask if he's okay, he replies 00:22:45.372 --> 00:22:46.662 to something like, why shouldn't I be? 00:22:46.872 --> 00:22:47.982 Or Why should I be irritated? 00:22:48.132 --> 00:22:48.762 Why do you ask? 00:22:49.242 --> 00:22:52.932 And that sounds so small, but it's every time and I feel like I can't win. 00:22:53.022 --> 00:22:53.982 And if I care, it's wrong. 00:22:53.982 --> 00:22:55.302 And if I don't care, that's wrong too. 00:22:55.962 --> 00:22:58.212 And it makes me feel crazy for even trying to connect. 00:22:58.212 --> 00:23:00.492 But then later I'll also be told that I don't try to connect 00:23:01.062 --> 00:23:02.442 these conversations go nowhere. 00:23:02.802 --> 00:23:04.032 And I will stay in them. 00:23:04.092 --> 00:23:05.262 In the circular reasoning. 00:23:05.322 --> 00:23:07.572 In the circular questioning until the wee hours of the night. 00:23:08.472 --> 00:23:12.132 Or example number two, you promised not to start an argument with me if I 00:23:12.132 --> 00:23:13.362 would drive with him to the airport. 00:23:13.812 --> 00:23:16.692 He even said it a couple of times in writing via text. 00:23:16.692 --> 00:23:20.682 But the second we got in the car, it started two hours of nonstop criticism, 00:23:20.682 --> 00:23:21.852 nitpicking and guilt tripping. 00:23:21.852 --> 00:23:24.222 And I sat there just gripping the steering wheel, thinking, 00:23:24.372 --> 00:23:25.362 how did I end up here again? 00:23:25.842 --> 00:23:28.632 And yet I found myself still continuing to engage. 00:23:30.612 --> 00:23:30.852 Cut. 00:23:30.912 --> 00:23:34.212 Example number three, when I would try to share how I felt, he would 00:23:34.212 --> 00:23:36.072 twist it back on me saying, well, you're only mad because you're 00:23:36.072 --> 00:23:37.662 hormonal, or, that's not what I said. 00:23:37.662 --> 00:23:38.562 I'm sure you heard it wrong. 00:23:39.252 --> 00:23:42.042 I'd start the conversation truly hoping for connection and 00:23:42.042 --> 00:23:43.422 wondering, am I the problem? 00:23:43.902 --> 00:23:46.272 I found it so necessary to learn to disengage from these 00:23:46.272 --> 00:23:48.402 unhealthy conversations because I just wanted to keep going 00:23:48.402 --> 00:23:49.962 back in there for more and more. 00:23:50.982 --> 00:23:53.652 So what's happening emotionally is disengaging from 00:23:53.652 --> 00:23:54.942 unproductive conversations. 00:23:54.982 --> 00:23:55.312 It's. 00:23:55.867 --> 00:23:59.257 Essential because when the conversation becomes circular, it's 00:23:59.257 --> 00:24:01.567 also this kind of a logical fallacy. 00:24:01.567 --> 00:24:02.887 It's called begging the question. 00:24:03.127 --> 00:24:07.207 It happens when somebody uses their conclusion as their proof, basically. 00:24:07.357 --> 00:24:09.187 Well, I'm right because I'm right because I said it. 00:24:09.907 --> 00:24:13.867 I remember a movie, I believe it was spies like us, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd, and 00:24:13.867 --> 00:24:18.277 one of them was trying to quote something and he said I know I read this somewhere. 00:24:18.337 --> 00:24:21.367 Well, I wrote it down and then I read it so I'm right because I'm right. 00:24:21.937 --> 00:24:24.877 And it said in a way that sounds logical, but it goes in a loop and 00:24:24.877 --> 00:24:27.217 it never really gets to the subject matter that you're trying to discuss. 00:24:27.732 --> 00:24:31.532 And emotionally immature relationships, this so often shows up because they tend 00:24:31.532 --> 00:24:33.452 to equate being right with being safe. 00:24:34.142 --> 00:24:38.145 If I can be right, then I'm okay, that is in complete disregard to you. 00:24:38.895 --> 00:24:41.835 They defend their image at all costs and they avoid any internal 00:24:41.835 --> 00:24:44.865 discomfort because that will eventually make its way down from guilt. 00:24:45.255 --> 00:24:46.995 Do you think I'm doing something bad to shame? 00:24:47.025 --> 00:24:49.545 Oh, I'm bad and you must think I'm bad, so therefore I need to 00:24:49.545 --> 00:24:50.925 put you in that one down position. 00:24:51.285 --> 00:24:54.315 So instead of being willing to explore what their partner's feeling or even 00:24:54.315 --> 00:24:57.285 trying to say, you know, tell me more about why it seems like I don't listen. 00:24:57.705 --> 00:25:00.195 They use this circular reasoning to shut the conversation down and put 00:25:00.195 --> 00:25:01.815 themselves back in that one up position. 00:25:02.715 --> 00:25:06.435 You are pulling for connection and they're pulling for control. 00:25:07.245 --> 00:25:09.975 And the emotionally immature person doesn't know how to tolerate discomfort, 00:25:09.975 --> 00:25:11.535 especially the emotional discomfort. 00:25:12.435 --> 00:25:16.245 So when you bring up something vulnerable or real it, it pokes at their shame 00:25:16.245 --> 00:25:17.385 and feels like an attack to them. 00:25:18.105 --> 00:25:21.505 And if you have an opinion that is not exactly theirs, then 00:25:21.505 --> 00:25:23.335 you, this is what they believe. 00:25:23.815 --> 00:25:26.905 You are telling them that they are wrong and you are right, which I know 00:25:26.905 --> 00:25:30.085 you're not doing, but they view it as black or white, all or nothing thinking. 00:25:30.835 --> 00:25:33.025 And then they become so good at deflecting and attacking 00:25:33.055 --> 00:25:34.495 and confusing or going silent. 00:25:35.275 --> 00:25:38.185 But because you want connection, you pull harder, you clarify, 00:25:38.185 --> 00:25:39.535 you re-explain, you rephrase. 00:25:39.535 --> 00:25:41.635 You think if I can just find the right tone or the right word, the 00:25:41.635 --> 00:25:44.305 right timing, then we'll finally be able to get somewhere, maybe 00:25:44.305 --> 00:25:45.655 even compromise meet in the middle. 00:25:46.945 --> 00:25:51.145 But the unfortunate fact is at some point you may need to accept that most likely 00:25:51.205 --> 00:25:53.095 you won't get to that point of connection. 00:25:53.335 --> 00:25:55.675 Because for them, the goal isn't understanding it's control. 00:25:56.155 --> 00:25:58.735 The argument itself is the tool to drain you. 00:25:59.245 --> 00:26:01.555 And the more exhausted you get, the more they win. 00:26:03.625 --> 00:26:04.975 Now, why do you keep grabbing the rope? 00:26:05.245 --> 00:26:07.885 You keep pulling it because you care, because you were taught that 00:26:07.885 --> 00:26:11.662 communication solves everything and it can in a healthy relationship, that 00:26:11.662 --> 00:26:13.942 if you could just explain yourself well enough, you would be understood. 00:26:13.942 --> 00:26:17.002 And again, true in a healthy relationship. 00:26:17.782 --> 00:26:21.172 But this isn't healthy communication, it's emotional warfare, and it's 00:26:21.172 --> 00:26:22.372 stressed up like a discussion. 00:26:23.242 --> 00:26:26.602 Peace doesn't come from winning, it comes from leaving the game entirely. 00:26:27.527 --> 00:26:29.932 So how do you apply this commandment? 00:26:30.727 --> 00:26:32.077 Notice when you picked up the rope. 00:26:32.677 --> 00:26:36.697 The rope can be words or text or silence or emotional energy in the moment. 00:26:36.697 --> 00:26:39.277 You start defending or overexplaining or arguing about how you feel, 00:26:39.277 --> 00:26:43.447 instead of what you feel, that's the rope in your hands in that moment. 00:26:43.447 --> 00:26:45.247 Pause, take a breath. 00:26:45.547 --> 00:26:48.067 Literally, unc unclench your hands if you need to. 00:26:48.967 --> 00:26:49.597 Ask yourself? 00:26:49.657 --> 00:26:51.247 What are, what are we even arguing about? 00:26:52.627 --> 00:26:54.517 We're not fighting for truth now. 00:26:54.517 --> 00:26:55.417 We're fighting for peace. 00:26:55.417 --> 00:26:56.767 And peace does not come from winning. 00:26:57.547 --> 00:27:01.187 The goal is to be heard and understood and not you are right and I'm wrong. 00:27:02.327 --> 00:27:06.437 So here's a few phrases that might help in dropping the rope of the tug of war. 00:27:07.067 --> 00:27:10.127 You know, I can see this isn't really going anywhere right now, or this isn't 00:27:10.247 --> 00:27:14.017 very productive for me, or I'm not actually gonna argue about this right now, 00:27:14.017 --> 00:27:15.987 or I'll respond when the water's calm. 00:27:16.857 --> 00:27:18.282 Say it once, then disengage. 00:27:18.332 --> 00:27:20.052 Every word after that just reopens the door. 00:27:21.642 --> 00:27:24.672 And learn to reframe disengagement as a strength. 00:27:24.732 --> 00:27:27.582 You've probably been told that walking away is avoidant or cold, and it's not. 00:27:28.092 --> 00:27:29.322 It's emotionally intelligent. 00:27:29.802 --> 00:27:32.592 You're teaching your body that safety doesn't come from fixing chaos. 00:27:32.592 --> 00:27:34.602 It comes from refusing to feed the chaos. 00:27:35.652 --> 00:27:40.122 So the next time you feel that, pull the urge to prove or explain or rehash. 00:27:40.182 --> 00:27:40.692 Try this. 00:27:41.352 --> 00:27:42.612 Put your hand over your heart. 00:27:43.722 --> 00:27:44.532 Get grounded. 00:27:44.532 --> 00:27:45.222 Say quietly. 00:27:45.732 --> 00:27:47.022 Peace is my goal. 00:27:47.082 --> 00:27:47.952 Peace is my win. 00:27:48.132 --> 00:27:49.122 Peace is my jam. 00:27:50.682 --> 00:27:52.662 Then step back and that's dropping the rope. 00:27:53.682 --> 00:27:54.852 So let's move on to commandment four. 00:27:54.852 --> 00:27:56.382 Thou shalt set boundaries and mean them. 00:27:57.252 --> 00:28:00.252 A boundary without follow through is a suggestion. 00:28:00.822 --> 00:28:01.572 It's a challenge. 00:28:01.872 --> 00:28:02.622 It's an ultimatum. 00:28:03.372 --> 00:28:06.222 Saying what you will do, not what they must do. 00:28:06.282 --> 00:28:07.032 That's your boundary. 00:28:07.182 --> 00:28:08.982 If you do this, then I will do this. 00:28:09.192 --> 00:28:13.902 Not, you can't keep doing this 'cause the narcissist, oh, they are grateful 00:28:13.902 --> 00:28:15.552 that you just gave them something to do. 00:28:16.152 --> 00:28:19.442 You can't keep doing this in their mind is oh, I actually, I 00:28:19.442 --> 00:28:21.002 can and I'll do it really well. 00:28:21.872 --> 00:28:23.642 A boundary protects your peace. 00:28:24.032 --> 00:28:25.832 An ultimatum fuels their playbook. 00:28:26.342 --> 00:28:29.702 An ultimatum, hands them a map of your buttons, showing 'em exactly what matters 00:28:29.702 --> 00:28:33.572 most to you, and they can and will use that information against you later. 00:28:34.082 --> 00:28:36.302 Don't hand 'em the map, hide your buttons. 00:28:36.302 --> 00:28:37.232 Stand firm boundaries. 00:28:37.232 --> 00:28:38.222 Don't control others. 00:28:38.222 --> 00:28:39.362 Boundaries define you. 00:28:40.772 --> 00:28:42.032 So here's a couple of cut examples. 00:28:42.152 --> 00:28:45.302 One, my daughter's dad always asks at the end of a video chat if she wants 00:28:45.302 --> 00:28:48.362 him to call again tomorrow, she's usually pretty tired and says no. 00:28:48.422 --> 00:28:50.282 And then he acts hurt and hangs up and calls again. 00:28:50.282 --> 00:28:53.822 Anyway, and when I pointed that out to him, he accused me of turning her against 00:28:53.822 --> 00:28:55.532 him and now wanted to argue with me. 00:28:56.312 --> 00:28:58.347 Or another example, after we separated, he still came into 00:28:58.352 --> 00:28:59.222 my house without permission. 00:28:59.552 --> 00:29:00.722 Said he just wanted to grab something. 00:29:00.722 --> 00:29:03.182 And when I told him that really wasn't okay, he made comments about 00:29:03.182 --> 00:29:06.092 my personal life and said that I still owed him honesty because of the past. 00:29:06.272 --> 00:29:11.432 And at some point, I literally had to call the police, or another 00:29:11.432 --> 00:29:14.702 example, he continually asked to come over and see the kids. 00:29:14.702 --> 00:29:18.182 And I said, sure, as long as you call first the next day, shows up unannounced, 00:29:18.182 --> 00:29:21.302 walked in, acted like I was overreacting and did that over and over again. 00:29:21.662 --> 00:29:23.732 And when I would get upset, he told me I was being dramatic. 00:29:24.242 --> 00:29:26.452 But she had said here's the line. 00:29:26.512 --> 00:29:27.532 And he said, thank you. 00:29:27.712 --> 00:29:28.762 And now I have a goal. 00:29:28.792 --> 00:29:30.232 Now I have a target that I can cross. 00:29:31.612 --> 00:29:34.192 These are really good examples of how emotionally immature people 00:29:34.192 --> 00:29:37.222 treat boundaries as suggestions or challenges, because to them a boundary 00:29:37.272 --> 00:29:40.542 is a line, but it's one now that they can walk right over, it says 00:29:40.932 --> 00:29:43.122 to them, Hey, let's see if you're really gonna follow through with this. 00:29:43.962 --> 00:29:48.912 I have even had many, many conversations in my office where we get to the 00:29:48.942 --> 00:29:52.492 point of a boundary and then the more emotionally immature, narcissistic person. 00:29:53.362 --> 00:29:56.782 And I've had this, be the husband, the wife it's no respecter of 00:29:56.782 --> 00:30:00.652 persons says, well, I was just trying to help you hold your boundary. 00:30:01.222 --> 00:30:03.272 Really, that's not a great way to do that. 00:30:04.562 --> 00:30:06.032 Underneath the behavior is fear. 00:30:06.392 --> 00:30:08.792 Fear of losing control, fear of rejection, fear that your 00:30:08.792 --> 00:30:10.112 autonomy means their abandonment. 00:30:10.112 --> 00:30:13.792 I see that so often that being so afraid that as a partner finds 00:30:13.792 --> 00:30:19.222 themselves, learns to be okay and to find hobbies and those sorts of things, 00:30:19.222 --> 00:30:20.542 that then they are going to leave. 00:30:20.632 --> 00:30:24.532 So I, to the narcissist, the emotionally immature, I can't have them continue 00:30:24.542 --> 00:30:25.892 to do things that they want to do. 00:30:26.072 --> 00:30:29.702 I can't have them go meet with somebody and get help because that 00:30:29.702 --> 00:30:32.668 doesn't feel comfortable to me because they can't manage that fear. 00:30:32.698 --> 00:30:35.818 Then they turn it into manipulation, guilt, intrusion, blame. 00:30:35.872 --> 00:30:38.735 They start to sequester, cut off, isolate their partner. 00:30:38.840 --> 00:30:41.480 Now for you, it's confusing because the boundary wasn't meant to hurt anybody. 00:30:41.480 --> 00:30:42.740 It was meant to protect your sanity. 00:30:42.740 --> 00:30:45.530 And in healthy relationships, boundaries actually keep relationships existing. 00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:49.190 If I know I'm gonna say something I'll regret, then a boundary needs to be set. 00:30:49.220 --> 00:30:51.710 If I'm starting to notice this, I will take a break because I don't 00:30:51.710 --> 00:30:54.830 wanna sabotage the relationship because you don't deserve to 00:30:54.830 --> 00:30:56.390 be talked to that way by me. 00:30:57.170 --> 00:30:59.750 Why boundaries feel so difficult is because most people who struggle 00:30:59.750 --> 00:31:02.150 to enforce boundaries grow up having to earn their safety. 00:31:02.570 --> 00:31:03.530 Love was conditional. 00:31:03.620 --> 00:31:07.040 Maybe saying no meant that you were gonna be ashamed or ignored or made to feel bad. 00:31:07.310 --> 00:31:10.430 So when you finally try to set a boundary, your body interprets it as danger. 00:31:10.850 --> 00:31:12.440 You feel guilty, you doubt yourself. 00:31:12.590 --> 00:31:13.460 Am I being too much? 00:31:14.360 --> 00:31:15.830 That's guilt from conditioning. 00:31:16.190 --> 00:31:17.180 That's not your intuition. 00:31:17.900 --> 00:31:20.600 And emotionally immature people can sense hesitation. 00:31:20.600 --> 00:31:23.750 The moment you waver, they know, oh, this line isn't real. 00:31:24.500 --> 00:31:24.980 Watch me. 00:31:24.980 --> 00:31:26.270 I'm gonna push right through this boundary. 00:31:27.335 --> 00:31:29.075 There's some key things to know about setting boundaries. 00:31:29.225 --> 00:31:30.035 Define the boundary. 00:31:30.035 --> 00:31:30.395 Clearly. 00:31:30.395 --> 00:31:32.795 A real boundary isn't, you can't do this or don't do that. 00:31:33.095 --> 00:31:34.925 It's if you do that, then I will do this. 00:31:34.925 --> 00:31:36.425 It's about your behavior, not theirs. 00:31:36.485 --> 00:31:38.315 If you come over unannounced, I won't open the door. 00:31:38.645 --> 00:31:41.255 If the conversation turns disrespectful, I'm gonna end the call. 00:31:41.675 --> 00:31:42.365 That's a boundary. 00:31:42.515 --> 00:31:44.675 It's about what you do to protect you. 00:31:45.605 --> 00:31:48.125 Now, you may need to actually stop announcing the boundaries. 00:31:48.275 --> 00:31:49.235 Just do 'em. 00:31:49.385 --> 00:31:49.925 Just prove 'em. 00:31:50.585 --> 00:31:53.345 Often, especially with the immature, you don't need to warn 00:31:53.345 --> 00:31:54.515 or try to persuade them first. 00:31:54.575 --> 00:31:57.335 Some people use your explanations as more of an attack surface. 00:31:57.725 --> 00:32:01.775 They learn which buttons to press to test your limits, and quiet. 00:32:01.775 --> 00:32:05.480 Consistency is so much more powerful than verbal declar 00:32:05.480 --> 00:32:07.775 declarations and expect pushback. 00:32:07.775 --> 00:32:10.025 The first time you hold a line or the second, or the third or the fourth, 00:32:10.295 --> 00:32:13.205 they'll accuse you of being mean or cold or unfair, or controlling. 00:32:14.045 --> 00:32:15.725 That typically means it's working. 00:32:16.415 --> 00:32:18.324 Discomfort is part of your learning curve. 00:32:18.324 --> 00:32:21.714 It's not proof that you're wrong, and the words that they're saying 00:32:21.714 --> 00:32:24.594 next are really trying to hit you to then back off the boundary. 00:32:25.089 --> 00:32:27.039 So that they can go back to the status quo. 00:32:28.059 --> 00:32:29.439 So tonight, maybe write a sentence. 00:32:29.439 --> 00:32:31.959 The boundary I'm most afraid to hold is and then add. 00:32:32.019 --> 00:32:35.649 And the consequence I control is you'll feel that twinge of 00:32:35.649 --> 00:32:37.869 guilt, that's your nervous system on learning people pleasing. 00:32:38.409 --> 00:32:40.509 You're not being cruel, you're being more consistent. 00:32:40.509 --> 00:32:42.909 And that actually builds connection, intimacy, and trust. 00:32:43.689 --> 00:32:46.209 So commandment five, thou shalt stop searching for the perfect words. 00:32:46.209 --> 00:32:49.059 Thou shalt never give thy spouse an epiphany or an aha moment. 00:32:50.199 --> 00:32:53.559 It is so important to recognize there is no combination of syllables 00:32:53.769 --> 00:32:57.349 or mouth noises or words or facial expressions or gesticulations that 00:32:57.349 --> 00:32:58.549 will make the narcissist get it. 00:32:59.269 --> 00:33:02.569 They hear what fits their narrative period, not what you are trying 00:33:02.569 --> 00:33:03.499 to convey from your heart. 00:33:04.189 --> 00:33:05.719 You'll never give them an epiphany. 00:33:06.769 --> 00:33:09.579 And I don't throw out all or nothing statements randomly. 00:33:09.789 --> 00:33:12.519 But you will never give them an epiphany. 00:33:13.299 --> 00:33:16.839 Trying keeps you trapped in this loop of over-explaining and undervaluing yourself. 00:33:17.949 --> 00:33:21.909 Your peace begins where the fantasy of their aha moment ends. 00:33:22.494 --> 00:33:24.324 So stop waiting for their comprehension. 00:33:24.324 --> 00:33:28.254 It's time for you to start choosing your own personal liberation. 00:33:29.484 --> 00:33:31.044 So a couple of cut examples. 00:33:31.164 --> 00:33:33.894 One, after I told him I was done, he suddenly promised to change, and 00:33:33.894 --> 00:33:37.104 then for two weeks he was incredible, helpful, affectionate and attentive. 00:33:37.374 --> 00:33:39.234 It felt like the guy had been begging for all along. 00:33:39.684 --> 00:33:41.694 , And then just as quickly it faded. 00:33:41.964 --> 00:33:43.254 The tiny comments came back. 00:33:43.254 --> 00:33:47.634 The distance, the control, it's like the better he acts, the more hope I build, 00:33:47.634 --> 00:33:49.944 which just makes the next fall hurt worse. 00:33:51.114 --> 00:33:54.234 Second example, he tells me, I threw away a beautiful family. 00:33:54.654 --> 00:33:57.804 He says, we could've walked hand in hand in old age, but he actually 00:33:57.804 --> 00:34:01.554 never walked with me now and definitely didn't hold my hand. 00:34:01.884 --> 00:34:05.994 He was always 30 feet ahead, not holding my hand and yelling at me to keep up. 00:34:06.504 --> 00:34:08.244 But yet I would continue to buy into this. 00:34:08.244 --> 00:34:09.264 It'll be better later. 00:34:10.374 --> 00:34:12.894 For example, number three, I used to write long messages, pouring my 00:34:12.894 --> 00:34:15.714 heart out and thinking if he can just understand this or if I can just 00:34:15.714 --> 00:34:17.304 find the right words, it'll click. 00:34:17.889 --> 00:34:20.409 But no matter how kind or patient or logical I was, the 00:34:20.409 --> 00:34:21.519 result was always the same. 00:34:21.909 --> 00:34:27.009 Silence, defensiveness, or blame, this is one of the most 00:34:27.099 --> 00:34:28.839 heartbreaking parts of waking up. 00:34:28.839 --> 00:34:32.019 Realizing that your clarity doesn't equal their awareness and it's not 00:34:32.019 --> 00:34:33.489 a cause and effect Relationship. 00:34:34.569 --> 00:34:38.354 Emotionally immature people experience accountability is shame your explanation 00:34:38.409 --> 00:34:41.919 no matter how gently it's offered feels to them like an accusation. 00:34:42.189 --> 00:34:45.099 So instead of curiosity, they give defensiveness or attack. 00:34:45.429 --> 00:34:48.579 'cause their nervous system interprets, if I hurt you then I'm bad. 00:34:48.609 --> 00:34:50.919 And they'd rather change the story than feel the shame. 00:34:51.579 --> 00:34:52.659 That's why the cycle looks like this. 00:34:52.659 --> 00:34:55.994 You express pain, they temporarily at times perform empathy. 00:34:56.469 --> 00:34:58.239 You feel hope they regress. 00:34:58.269 --> 00:35:02.109 You feel confusion and guilt, and it's this hope and hurt loop and it 00:35:02.109 --> 00:35:04.869 trains you to think that the next explanation, that actually might be 00:35:04.869 --> 00:35:08.289 the one that fixes it because I thought we were getting there last time. 00:35:09.399 --> 00:35:12.639 And because we're wired for connection, you don't want to win an argument. 00:35:12.669 --> 00:35:13.869 You want to be understood. 00:35:14.394 --> 00:35:15.474 And that's a beautiful trait. 00:35:15.474 --> 00:35:18.114 But when that epiphany meets emotional immaturity, it's a trap. 00:35:18.654 --> 00:35:21.414 Your brain keeps replaying the same conversations and chasing the version of 00:35:21.414 --> 00:35:23.364 them who once seemed capable of empathy. 00:35:24.774 --> 00:35:27.744 The illusion of the perfect words is powerful because it 00:35:27.744 --> 00:35:28.944 gives you something to control. 00:35:29.754 --> 00:35:30.744 I'll manage my tone. 00:35:30.774 --> 00:35:31.914 I'll try to say it the right way. 00:35:31.914 --> 00:35:32.964 I won't do the wrong thing. 00:35:33.374 --> 00:35:35.384 , It gives you something that you can work on, but the truth 00:35:35.384 --> 00:35:37.174 is it doesn't work that way. 00:35:37.384 --> 00:35:38.614 You're still trying to convince yourself. 00:35:38.614 --> 00:35:40.774 If you can just say it right, you can stop the chaos. 00:35:41.014 --> 00:35:41.884 But once and for all, 00:35:41.974 --> 00:35:44.014 it will be this aha moment, this epiphany. 00:35:44.674 --> 00:35:47.974 But you cannot give someone an epiphany when their self-image 00:35:47.974 --> 00:35:49.444 depends on staying in the dark. 00:35:50.233 --> 00:35:50.773 So what do you do? 00:35:51.943 --> 00:35:55.963 Stop writing novels before you send that long text or email pause and ask yourself, 00:35:55.963 --> 00:35:59.233 am I writing this to express myself or am I still trying to make them understand? 00:35:59.803 --> 00:36:00.553 It's the latter. 00:36:00.703 --> 00:36:01.123 Delete it. 00:36:01.363 --> 00:36:07.693 You're chasing closure and validation that only you can give yourself, which 00:36:07.693 --> 00:36:11.413 means you need to start to learn to create internal validation, not external. 00:36:11.713 --> 00:36:13.633 Start acknowledging your feelings before you share them. 00:36:13.633 --> 00:36:14.323 This is valid. 00:36:14.323 --> 00:36:20.503 Even if they don't understand the goal needs to move to you, you know? 00:36:20.503 --> 00:36:23.803 And you're offering this part of you, you're offering to 00:36:23.803 --> 00:36:25.183 be seen and to be understood. 00:36:25.293 --> 00:36:28.533 Now the goal isn't their comprehension, although you wish it would be. 00:36:29.043 --> 00:36:29.913 It's your clarity. 00:36:30.708 --> 00:36:33.588 Look for patterns, not promises, because temporary change after an 00:36:33.588 --> 00:36:36.168 argument is very often performative. 00:36:36.168 --> 00:36:38.358 Empathy, real change is consistent. 00:36:38.478 --> 00:36:40.038 It's humble, it's self-initiated. 00:36:40.488 --> 00:36:42.768 If they only behave when you're threatening to leave, 00:36:42.858 --> 00:36:44.238 that's more like compliance. 00:36:44.298 --> 00:36:47.628 It's not growth, and most likely it's pretty surface level. 00:36:48.258 --> 00:36:50.298 If somebody is saying, I finally get it, you're right. 00:36:50.298 --> 00:36:55.788 I understand because you're leaving the easiest way to see if 00:36:55.788 --> 00:36:59.238 there's depth underneath this aha moment they're claiming to have 00:36:59.508 --> 00:37:01.188 and say, well, what do you get? 00:37:01.248 --> 00:37:02.538 What is it that you understand? 00:37:02.778 --> 00:37:03.828 Take me on your train of thought. 00:37:03.828 --> 00:37:04.668 Help me understand. 00:37:06.798 --> 00:37:08.143 So maybe tonight, write this one down. 00:37:08.413 --> 00:37:11.898 It's not my job to give someone an awakening, but it is my job to live mine. 00:37:12.348 --> 00:37:12.918 Tape it somewhere. 00:37:12.918 --> 00:37:15.698 You'll see it often because you're not giving up you're starting to 00:37:15.698 --> 00:37:17.042 give yourself back commandment. 00:37:17.042 --> 00:37:18.782 Six thou shalt limit thine attack surface. 00:37:18.782 --> 00:37:19.802 Now we get into the new ones. 00:37:20.282 --> 00:37:24.992 Every over explanation or justification or emotional overshare is ammunition. 00:37:25.682 --> 00:37:28.592 You don't owe clarity to somebody who is committed to confusion, 00:37:29.672 --> 00:37:31.262 speak less, observe more. 00:37:31.262 --> 00:37:34.112 And remember, the less you defend, the less they can distort. 00:37:34.772 --> 00:37:38.462 Sometimes silence is not avoidance, it's wisdom in action. 00:37:39.572 --> 00:37:40.772 So here's a couple of cut examples. 00:37:40.832 --> 00:37:43.172 One person said, every time I open up about my feelings, 00:37:43.172 --> 00:37:44.402 he stores it like ammunition. 00:37:44.402 --> 00:37:46.832 If I say I'm struggling at work, the next argument, he says, well, maybe 00:37:46.832 --> 00:37:48.992 if you focused on your job instead of pretending you were perfect. 00:37:49.532 --> 00:37:52.562 It's almost like he waits for me to be vulnerable so he can use it against me. 00:37:53.582 --> 00:37:53.762 Cut. 00:37:53.762 --> 00:37:56.102 Example number two, when I confronted him about twisting what 00:37:56.162 --> 00:37:59.012 I had said to our daughter, he accused me of parental alienation. 00:37:59.942 --> 00:38:01.082 And I wasn't trying to attack him. 00:38:01.202 --> 00:38:03.932 I just wanted to protect her, and I wanted to be understood by my husband, 00:38:03.932 --> 00:38:05.282 but somehow I ended up being the villain. 00:38:05.282 --> 00:38:10.322 And again, or example number three, he knows exactly which memories hurt 00:38:10.322 --> 00:38:13.232 me the most, and he'll bring them up mid argument just to watch me crumble. 00:38:13.772 --> 00:38:16.682 It's like he's collecting data and every time I try to explain myself, 00:38:17.162 --> 00:38:19.112 I'm just giving him more to work with. 00:38:19.832 --> 00:38:21.002 So what's happening emotionally? 00:38:21.002 --> 00:38:21.662 Emotionally, immature. 00:38:21.662 --> 00:38:24.872 People often treat these type of relationships like exchanges of power. 00:38:25.412 --> 00:38:26.522 There's a winner and a loser. 00:38:26.522 --> 00:38:27.632 It's a zero sum game. 00:38:27.692 --> 00:38:28.322 Vulnerability. 00:38:28.322 --> 00:38:31.622 Your transparency, your stories, your empathy becomes intel. 00:38:32.222 --> 00:38:33.422 They're not listening to connect. 00:38:33.422 --> 00:38:36.942 They're listening to catalog and see, what can I use to put 00:38:36.942 --> 00:38:37.992 me in this one-up position? 00:38:38.682 --> 00:38:41.052 That's why opening up starts to feel dangerous, because what's supposed 00:38:41.052 --> 00:38:42.582 to be intimacy becomes inventory. 00:38:42.942 --> 00:38:46.662 The information that should bring you closer becomes ammunition later, and at 00:38:46.662 --> 00:38:48.642 the core of this behavior is insecurity. 00:38:48.672 --> 00:38:52.362 If they can hold your vulnerabilities, then they don't have to look at their own. 00:38:52.572 --> 00:38:55.392 They weaponize your honesty to shift the focus from their behavior. 00:38:55.722 --> 00:38:59.442 Right back to your pain, and why it's so confusing and why it hurts is because 00:38:59.442 --> 00:39:03.047 openness has most likely been one of your superpowers Up to this point. 00:39:03.227 --> 00:39:05.262 You probably believe in repair and understanding and 00:39:05.262 --> 00:39:07.722 authenticity and communication and connecting with your partner. 00:39:08.622 --> 00:39:13.092 Those are good, they're real, they're strengths, but when you 00:39:13.092 --> 00:39:15.972 share openly with somebody who isn't safe, your vulnerability becomes a 00:39:15.972 --> 00:39:17.802 liability and the confusing part is. 00:39:18.192 --> 00:39:19.632 Early on, they often rewarded it. 00:39:19.662 --> 00:39:22.092 They seem fascinated by your stories or touched by your emotions. 00:39:22.362 --> 00:39:24.762 Finally, somebody who gets me and then later they use those 00:39:24.762 --> 00:39:26.112 same details to cut you down. 00:39:26.412 --> 00:39:30.222 It's not love, it's control, it's exploitation, and it's dressed up to look 00:39:30.222 --> 00:39:32.052 like connection and it's not very pretty. 00:39:33.162 --> 00:39:34.662 Over time, you start centering yourself. 00:39:34.692 --> 00:39:37.902 You start shrinking, becoming more hypervigilant, but becoming 00:39:37.902 --> 00:39:39.402 more hypervigilant, playing small. 00:39:39.402 --> 00:39:40.542 You lose spontaneity. 00:39:40.842 --> 00:39:44.322 You stop being you because you're constantly calculating what 00:39:44.322 --> 00:39:45.672 might be used against you later. 00:39:46.842 --> 00:39:48.672 . So redefine what safety means. 00:39:48.672 --> 00:39:50.622 Safety isn't who listens the longest. 00:39:50.712 --> 00:39:52.602 It's who respects the information you're sharing. 00:39:52.842 --> 00:39:55.452 Who creates a safe space for you and your emotions? 00:39:55.512 --> 00:39:59.772 Start noticing who treats your openness like a person not using it like a weapon. 00:40:00.222 --> 00:40:02.502 And you may have to adopt a need to know rule. 00:40:02.502 --> 00:40:06.882 If somebody has a pattern of twisting your words, giving 'em less is more. 00:40:07.662 --> 00:40:09.342 Give them less access to personal data. 00:40:09.402 --> 00:40:12.312 Keep conversations factual and short instead of, I'm really hurt 00:40:12.312 --> 00:40:14.742 that you said that you may need to. 00:40:15.147 --> 00:40:17.967 Revert to, hey, that comment wasn't appropriate. 00:40:18.477 --> 00:40:19.107 Be neutral. 00:40:19.527 --> 00:40:20.067 Be simple. 00:40:20.067 --> 00:40:25.347 Sometimes you have to be unexplainable and practice strategic silence. 00:40:25.377 --> 00:40:26.727 Silence is not always avoidance. 00:40:26.757 --> 00:40:27.597 It can be protection. 00:40:27.777 --> 00:40:31.707 When you feel the urge to defend yourself, pause and breathe and ask, will 00:40:31.767 --> 00:40:33.507 sharing this, get me closer to peace? 00:40:33.567 --> 00:40:34.647 Or will it lead to chaos? 00:40:34.647 --> 00:40:37.797 And if it's chaos, it might need to be kept to your inside voice. 00:40:38.397 --> 00:40:40.797 So before your next interaction, ask yourself, have they earned 00:40:40.797 --> 00:40:41.937 the right to know this part of me? 00:40:42.177 --> 00:40:44.787 If the answer is no, it's not coldness. 00:40:44.787 --> 00:40:45.987 That's this internal wisdom. 00:40:46.107 --> 00:40:49.047 Every piece of information you withhold from chaos is a piece 00:40:49.227 --> 00:40:52.767 you reclaimed commandment. 00:40:52.767 --> 00:40:56.247 Number seven, thou shalt recognize projection, especially 00:40:56.247 --> 00:40:59.697 thine own what triggers you most often reveals your story. 00:40:59.697 --> 00:41:03.147 When you see cruelty and you respond with compassion, it reflects your capacity to 00:41:03.147 --> 00:41:05.367 love deeply, not their capacity to change. 00:41:05.997 --> 00:41:09.807 You actually can't control their projections, but you can learn from 'em. 00:41:10.392 --> 00:41:13.812 Their accusations, their assumptions, the stories that they tell you will 00:41:13.812 --> 00:41:16.992 tell you more about how they see the world than about who you are. 00:41:17.442 --> 00:41:21.012 Even though they're telling you that this is what you're doing or this is who 00:41:21.012 --> 00:41:23.082 I think you are, that's a them thing. 00:41:23.202 --> 00:41:25.632 That's them projecting how they see the world onto you. 00:41:26.562 --> 00:41:29.172 So the cut examples, he told me he didn't care about his feelings. 00:41:29.172 --> 00:41:32.232 Meanwhile, I was working full time, raising kids, handling 00:41:32.232 --> 00:41:33.612 everything, and he did nothing. 00:41:33.642 --> 00:41:38.082 But somehow I was the selfish one, or example number two, he called me 00:41:38.082 --> 00:41:41.442 controlling because I wanted peace, but he was the one who would not listen. 00:41:42.072 --> 00:41:45.282 He would push every conversation until I broke down crying. 00:41:45.762 --> 00:41:48.372 It's like the things that he accused me of were just the things 00:41:48.372 --> 00:41:49.537 he could not admit about himself. 00:41:49.948 --> 00:41:50.878 Another cut example. 00:41:50.938 --> 00:41:54.508 He would continually say you're just like your mother, always playing the victim. 00:41:54.598 --> 00:41:57.358 And it hit me hard because he knew I had spent my whole life 00:41:57.358 --> 00:41:58.588 trying not to be my mother. 00:41:59.653 --> 00:42:02.083 But then later I realized he was describing himself. 00:42:02.353 --> 00:42:04.873 He was always acting like the victim in the story, projecting 00:42:04.873 --> 00:42:06.133 that outward and then attacking it. 00:42:07.243 --> 00:42:10.063 Projection is one of the emotionally immature person's favorite defense 00:42:10.063 --> 00:42:13.843 mechanisms, and it works well because it's invisible while it's happening. 00:42:14.413 --> 00:42:17.323 When they accuse you of being selfish or controlling or cold or dramatic, 00:42:17.323 --> 00:42:20.593 they're often revealing something about themselves, and it's an emotional mirror 00:42:20.593 --> 00:42:21.973 that they can't stand to look into. 00:42:21.973 --> 00:42:28.003 So they turn it toward you if they lie a lot, the crazy part about projection 00:42:28.003 --> 00:42:29.173 is they are projecting onto you. 00:42:29.173 --> 00:42:30.553 Well, it's because everybody lies. 00:42:31.033 --> 00:42:34.873 So then they are going to accuse you of lying because they lie. 00:42:36.133 --> 00:42:40.333 And so much of this still goes back to this concept of shame. 00:42:40.363 --> 00:42:40.663 Why? 00:42:40.663 --> 00:42:44.773 Because shame is unbearable to them, owning their flaws to them means admitting 00:42:44.773 --> 00:42:47.413 that they're not the hero in their own story, and that they're not perfect. 00:42:47.863 --> 00:42:51.913 So they offload that discomfort by casting you as the villain. 00:42:51.913 --> 00:42:54.673 It doesn't matter what role you came and auditioned for, you got 00:42:54.673 --> 00:42:55.538 the role of the villain again. 00:42:56.608 --> 00:42:59.518 And that's why the accusation often lands so deeply because they 00:42:59.518 --> 00:43:00.838 pick something close to the truth. 00:43:01.078 --> 00:43:03.388 It's a strength that's twisted into a coping mechanism. 00:43:03.898 --> 00:43:05.848 You are caring, but they call it controlling. 00:43:05.908 --> 00:43:07.558 You are empathetic, but they call it weak. 00:43:07.558 --> 00:43:10.558 You are steady and then they call it cold and it hurts because you 00:43:10.558 --> 00:43:13.678 absorb that projection because you happen to be self-reflective. 00:43:14.008 --> 00:43:15.478 When they accuse you, you check inward. 00:43:15.478 --> 00:43:16.168 Am I controlling? 00:43:16.288 --> 00:43:16.888 Did I do that? 00:43:16.888 --> 00:43:17.818 Maybe I am the problem. 00:43:17.908 --> 00:43:19.798 I don't want them to think that, so I'm gonna work and I'm gonna try to 00:43:19.798 --> 00:43:20.908 tell them that I'm not the problem. 00:43:21.448 --> 00:43:25.138 That's not weakness by you doing the work or trying to figure this out. 00:43:25.138 --> 00:43:28.768 That is emotional maturity, but it's somewhat misapplied. 00:43:29.248 --> 00:43:31.618 It's what makes you kind and introspective and teachable. 00:43:31.618 --> 00:43:35.338 But unfortunately, in a toxic dynamic, it keeps you doubting. 00:43:36.028 --> 00:43:38.548 Projection hurts because it hijacks your sense of identity. 00:43:38.548 --> 00:43:41.698 Every time you internalize their accusations and feel like you 00:43:41.698 --> 00:43:44.548 gotta defend them, you drift further from your own truth. 00:43:45.298 --> 00:43:48.298 You, you're burning and wasting emotional calories trying to prove that you're 00:43:48.298 --> 00:43:49.918 not something that they think you are. 00:43:49.918 --> 00:43:51.223 That is something that they are. 00:43:52.543 --> 00:43:55.993 So you start living in their version of you instead of your own. 00:43:56.833 --> 00:44:00.103 So learn to translate the accusation when they say you're selfish. 00:44:00.103 --> 00:44:04.483 Hear this as, oh, I, I'm feeling neglected when they say, you're controlling here. 00:44:04.483 --> 00:44:05.743 I'm scared of losing control. 00:44:06.343 --> 00:44:09.373 You don't have to engage though it, it's, but it's powerful to decode it 00:44:09.373 --> 00:44:11.023 silently because it's data about them. 00:44:11.023 --> 00:44:12.673 It's not judgment about you. 00:44:13.963 --> 00:44:17.323 And it's best to not argue against projection, responding calmly with, 00:44:17.383 --> 00:44:20.533 oh, I can see you feel that way, or, thanks for sharing your perception. 00:44:21.118 --> 00:44:23.168 It affects your reality without feeding theirs. 00:44:23.168 --> 00:44:26.138 And I know that if you're listening to this and you're in a really 00:44:26.138 --> 00:44:27.638 unhealthy relationship, right? 00:44:27.638 --> 00:44:29.468 Then you're saying, oh, right, like, I'm gonna do that. 00:44:29.468 --> 00:44:31.298 And he's gonna say, oh, thank you so much for sharing that. 00:44:31.418 --> 00:44:34.898 No, he's going to say more things or she's gonna get even more angry. 00:44:35.008 --> 00:44:35.998 I do understand that. 00:44:36.118 --> 00:44:37.618 , And that would be really difficult. 00:44:38.158 --> 00:44:41.368 And even if you are starting to do these things in your mind, in your 00:44:41.368 --> 00:44:43.318 inner dialogue, that is a start. 00:44:43.783 --> 00:44:44.503 Because you're right. 00:44:44.533 --> 00:44:48.373 You need to be able to, you're right, I hear you all subconsciously 00:44:48.373 --> 00:44:50.233 through, through the speakers, you. 00:44:50.233 --> 00:44:54.523 you need to feel grounded and safe to be able to even express something like that. 00:44:54.583 --> 00:44:56.143 And that does start in your mind. 00:44:56.983 --> 00:44:58.453 And then look for your own mini projections. 00:44:58.453 --> 00:44:59.358 We all project you. 00:44:59.363 --> 00:45:02.323 You might project your empathy onto them, assuming that they want to understand 00:45:02.323 --> 00:45:05.803 because you would or they must be hurting inside because I would be hurting inside. 00:45:06.373 --> 00:45:12.103 That's one of the ways good people feel stuck because healing means noticing where 00:45:12.103 --> 00:45:13.813 your kindness becomes self-deception. 00:45:14.683 --> 00:45:17.413 So next time that somebody makes an accusation pause and silently ask 00:45:17.413 --> 00:45:20.953 yourself, what does this reveal about them and what might it teach me about myself? 00:45:21.133 --> 00:45:24.973 If you can hold both of those without reacting you, you have just graduated from 00:45:24.973 --> 00:45:27.073 emotional warfare to emotional mastery. 00:45:28.003 --> 00:45:29.083 Okay, we're getting toward the end. 00:45:29.083 --> 00:45:31.153 Commandment eight, thou shalt honor thy inner dialogue. 00:45:31.603 --> 00:45:34.413 You become what you repeatedly think and how you talk to yourself. 00:45:34.413 --> 00:45:36.453 So speak to yourself like somebody who is worth hearing. 00:45:37.203 --> 00:45:40.263 I never get tired of this saying, you are not broken, you're human. 00:45:40.668 --> 00:45:45.678 And you are uniquely you and you're wired the way that you are because of all the 00:45:45.678 --> 00:45:46.878 experiences you've had in your life. 00:45:46.878 --> 00:45:48.258 And you are an original. 00:45:48.288 --> 00:45:50.688 Nobody else has ever lived in this exact moment as you. 00:45:51.078 --> 00:45:53.868 There are so many things that make you, you from your nature and your 00:45:53.868 --> 00:45:56.538 nurture and your birth order and DNA and abandonment and rejection and 00:45:56.538 --> 00:45:59.538 hopes and dreams and fears and pets and friends and where you lived. 00:46:00.108 --> 00:46:02.898 You think and feel the way you do because you do. 00:46:03.798 --> 00:46:06.808 So when someone else thinks that they know you better than you or they think 00:46:06.808 --> 00:46:10.618 you should think a certain way or feel a certain way that is adorable. 00:46:10.978 --> 00:46:11.698 They're not you. 00:46:11.878 --> 00:46:13.768 You are, you're not broken. 00:46:13.798 --> 00:46:14.758 You are a human being. 00:46:15.298 --> 00:46:16.768 Your thoughts and emotions aren't wrong. 00:46:17.128 --> 00:46:18.928 They're data information. 00:46:19.378 --> 00:46:21.988 Be more curious with yourself and not critical. 00:46:23.938 --> 00:46:25.018 Couple of cut examples. 00:46:25.078 --> 00:46:26.278 One person said, I used to be funny. 00:46:26.308 --> 00:46:27.178 I mean, really funny. 00:46:27.178 --> 00:46:30.148 People told me that all the time, but after years with him, I stopped joking. 00:46:30.328 --> 00:46:31.198 I'd say something silly. 00:46:31.198 --> 00:46:33.028 He'd roll his eyes at me and tell me I wasn't money. 00:46:33.028 --> 00:46:35.248 And eventually I just stopped trying and I , started believing 00:46:35.338 --> 00:46:36.508 what he was saying about me. 00:46:36.668 --> 00:46:37.268 Example two. 00:46:37.268 --> 00:46:40.058 I worked so hard for my degree, straight a's honors everything. 00:46:40.088 --> 00:46:41.948 And when I told him, he said, oh, that's, that's cute. 00:46:42.188 --> 00:46:43.418 Must have been a pretty easy program. 00:46:43.628 --> 00:46:47.198 Not like the one that I went through it, it's like he could not let me feel 00:46:47.198 --> 00:46:50.198 proud even for a second, another one. 00:46:50.198 --> 00:46:53.198 He told the kids that he was actually the funniest person in the family and 00:46:53.198 --> 00:46:54.398 that I did not have a sense of humor. 00:46:54.488 --> 00:46:55.118 They laughed. 00:46:55.178 --> 00:46:58.028 I laughed too, but something in me shut down like he was erasing me. 00:46:58.078 --> 00:47:00.118 , One rude comment, one joke at a time. 00:47:00.285 --> 00:47:02.085 this is what emotional erosion looks like. 00:47:02.145 --> 00:47:02.295 It. 00:47:02.295 --> 00:47:06.405 It's not just one big explosion, it's a thousand tiny cuts, a thousand 00:47:06.405 --> 00:47:07.695 tiny rewrites of who you are. 00:47:07.965 --> 00:47:10.785 When somebody chips away at your confidence long enough, you stop 00:47:10.785 --> 00:47:14.605 recognizing your own voice and you become quiet and careful and agreeable, you 00:47:14.605 --> 00:47:19.465 start censoring yourself before they even have to try and censor you, which is what 00:47:19.465 --> 00:47:21.635 they'll try to do before you realize it. 00:47:21.635 --> 00:47:22.260 You're living. 00:47:22.645 --> 00:47:26.575 A, as a version of yourself built entirely around keeping somebody else comfortable 00:47:26.575 --> 00:47:27.985 and avoiding any kind of discomfort. 00:47:27.985 --> 00:47:28.855 And that's not love. 00:47:28.855 --> 00:47:30.295 It's control and it's survival. 00:47:30.685 --> 00:47:32.245 But this is how emotional abuse works. 00:47:32.485 --> 00:47:36.325 It's not necessarily yelling or visible bruises, just maybe jokes that cut, 00:47:36.325 --> 00:47:39.835 compliments that minimize or silence, that that shrinks you over time. 00:47:39.835 --> 00:47:42.925 Your nervous system associates self-expression is risky. 00:47:43.165 --> 00:47:44.305 Is this worth the risk? 00:47:44.815 --> 00:47:48.385 So when you leave, you still whisper your opinions instead of speaking them. 00:47:49.435 --> 00:47:52.645 It hurts so deeply because it attacks your sense of self, your 00:47:52.645 --> 00:47:56.365 personality, your humor, your creativity, your spark, and that's how 00:47:56.365 --> 00:47:57.835 your nervous system signals safety. 00:47:58.345 --> 00:48:01.525 When that's mocked, your body learns that authenticity equals danger. 00:48:01.915 --> 00:48:04.735 So you start suppressing your light in the name of survival. 00:48:04.805 --> 00:48:05.795 It's not worth it right now. 00:48:05.975 --> 00:48:10.715 And the cruel twist, people who are drawn to emotionally immature partners are often 00:48:10.715 --> 00:48:12.755 bright, expressive, empathetic souls. 00:48:13.655 --> 00:48:15.275 You aren't too much you. 00:48:15.305 --> 00:48:16.145 You are vibrant. 00:48:16.880 --> 00:48:18.920 And that is what they were initially drawn to. 00:48:19.190 --> 00:48:22.340 But eventually your light makes their shadow harder to ignore. 00:48:23.810 --> 00:48:28.400 So notice when you self silence, pay attention to moments when 00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:30.740 you hesitate before speaking or you downplay your achievements, 00:48:30.740 --> 00:48:32.510 or you make yourself small it. 00:48:32.600 --> 00:48:34.160 It's not humility, it's conditioning. 00:48:34.460 --> 00:48:37.160 And gently ask, who's comfort am I protecting right now? 00:48:38.150 --> 00:48:40.970 Reclaim your voice through what I wanna call micro expressions. 00:48:40.970 --> 00:48:43.430 You don't have to go from quiet to loud overnight. 00:48:43.430 --> 00:48:46.100 Start small, sing in the car, tell a joke, write something down. 00:48:46.100 --> 00:48:47.420 Wear the outfit that you want to. 00:48:47.750 --> 00:48:50.090 I've had more people change their hair and their glasses and their 00:48:50.090 --> 00:48:52.160 outfits than I ever would've imagined. 00:48:52.340 --> 00:48:55.160 When people are starting to find themselves slowly but surely 00:48:55.665 --> 00:48:57.125 post the art that you hid. 00:48:58.295 --> 00:49:00.455 Start drawing and take a class. 00:49:00.635 --> 00:49:04.385 Each act tells your nervous system it's actually safe to be me again. 00:49:05.645 --> 00:49:08.045 And work on rebuilding the internal validation. 00:49:08.045 --> 00:49:09.875 When you do something that feels right, say it out loud, 00:49:10.175 --> 00:49:11.375 that was me showing up as me. 00:49:11.675 --> 00:49:13.475 Your brain learns faster hearing through your own. 00:49:14.795 --> 00:49:18.035 So every night start for a week, write down a sentence that begins 00:49:18.035 --> 00:49:19.355 with, today I showed up as myself. 00:49:19.355 --> 00:49:23.015 When I, it could be as small as laughing at your own joke or as 00:49:23.015 --> 00:49:24.755 big as saying no, that's you. 00:49:24.755 --> 00:49:26.795 Reintroducing yourself to yourself. 00:49:28.415 --> 00:49:30.515 Two to go commandment nine thou shalt trust thine gut 00:49:30.515 --> 00:49:31.535 and listen to thy emotions. 00:49:31.535 --> 00:49:34.745 Your gut is not paranoia, it's pattern recognition. 00:49:35.015 --> 00:49:37.535 Your emotions aren't problems to eliminate or to get rid of. 00:49:37.775 --> 00:49:41.785 They are messages that you're receiving and you need to decode them. 00:49:42.595 --> 00:49:46.495 But if you were taught to hide or mute or doubt your emotions, it's time 00:49:46.495 --> 00:49:48.325 to relearn your emotional fluency. 00:49:48.745 --> 00:49:50.425 Curiosity gets to become your compass. 00:49:50.425 --> 00:49:52.195 And the emotions are your guide. 00:49:52.315 --> 00:49:53.305 Lean into the discomfort. 00:49:53.305 --> 00:49:56.095 Discover that growth comes through, navigating into the unknown because 00:49:56.095 --> 00:49:57.325 you don't know what you don't know. 00:49:57.595 --> 00:49:59.695 And when that truth settles in, now the fun begins. 00:49:59.755 --> 00:50:03.125 Every moment becomes an opportunity to learn to grow, to thrive. 00:50:03.875 --> 00:50:06.815 So a couple of cut examples, he stopped saying goodbye. 00:50:06.965 --> 00:50:09.715 And at first I thought he was just distracted, but it had become a pattern. 00:50:10.150 --> 00:50:12.430 He would kiss the kids, he'd walk out the door without a word to me. 00:50:12.430 --> 00:50:14.890 Even my daughter noticed and asked, mom, why doesn't dad 00:50:14.890 --> 00:50:15.820 say goodbye to you anymore? 00:50:16.360 --> 00:50:17.380 And I didn't have an answer. 00:50:17.650 --> 00:50:19.540 I just smiled and said, oh, he's probably just busy. 00:50:20.110 --> 00:50:23.230 But my stomach knew something was wrong long before my head wanted to admit it. 00:50:24.130 --> 00:50:26.170 Another example, he drops the kids off. 00:50:26.170 --> 00:50:28.720 Acts friendly compliments the pumpkins that we carved together. 00:50:29.260 --> 00:50:32.650 And after years of put downs and stonewalling, if I react, I look bitter. 00:50:32.650 --> 00:50:34.570 If I stay quiet, I feel fake. 00:50:34.660 --> 00:50:37.780 It's the impossible middle ground where there's no response. 00:50:38.080 --> 00:50:40.740 That feels right, but deep down, I know exactly what he's doing. 00:50:40.800 --> 00:50:41.970 He's trying to control the narrative. 00:50:43.290 --> 00:50:46.830 Example number three, every time he'd walk into the room, I would tense up. 00:50:47.010 --> 00:50:49.860 Even when he was being nice, my body would go into alert mode 00:50:49.860 --> 00:50:53.220 before I understood why, and I used to just hate that reaction. 00:50:54.120 --> 00:50:57.330 I thought it meant something was wrong with me or that I was broken, 00:50:57.330 --> 00:51:00.510 but now I see it was my gut trying its best to tell me the truth. 00:51:00.510 --> 00:51:00.520 It. 00:51:02.025 --> 00:51:04.605 So what's happening here emotionally, your emotions are data. 00:51:04.665 --> 00:51:05.445 They're not problems. 00:51:05.445 --> 00:51:08.505 We're often told that we're too much, , but your emotions are 00:51:08.505 --> 00:51:09.915 your body's first responders. 00:51:09.915 --> 00:51:12.075 They arrive before your brain even knows what's happening. 00:51:12.645 --> 00:51:16.665 When you feel tension or dread or anxiety in somebody's presence, don't look at 00:51:16.665 --> 00:51:18.645 that as paranoia or what's wrong with me? 00:51:19.335 --> 00:51:22.515 Look at it as if your nervous system is remembering what your 00:51:22.515 --> 00:51:24.105 mind might be trying to forget. 00:51:24.265 --> 00:51:26.995 When you've spent years around emotionally, immature or narcissistic 00:51:26.995 --> 00:51:29.215 people, your brain learns to minimize red flags because 00:51:29.215 --> 00:51:30.955 acknowledging them would mean change. 00:51:30.955 --> 00:51:34.555 And change is scary and dangerous when your safety depends on keeping the peace. 00:51:34.975 --> 00:51:36.535 So you start to override the signals. 00:51:36.565 --> 00:51:37.585 You rationalize you. 00:51:37.585 --> 00:51:41.095 You tell yourself stories like they're stressed or it's me, or I'm overreacting. 00:51:41.515 --> 00:51:43.695 And that's a pattern that evolves over time. 00:51:44.655 --> 00:51:48.145 The internal override is learned helplessness in disguise. 00:51:48.625 --> 00:51:51.715 It's not because you are helpless, it's because you've been trained 00:51:51.715 --> 00:51:54.295 to prioritize someone else's comfort over your own truth. 00:51:54.522 --> 00:51:55.662 Why that hurts so much? 00:51:55.842 --> 00:51:57.432 Why we keep it ignoring our gut. 00:51:57.732 --> 00:52:00.822 You were probably taught that being emotional was bad, that good people 00:52:00.912 --> 00:52:02.922 are calm and reasonable and forgiving. 00:52:02.922 --> 00:52:05.832 So you most likely learn to distrust your gut and rely more on logic. 00:52:05.832 --> 00:52:07.662 But emotions aren't irrational. 00:52:07.872 --> 00:52:10.992 They're the body's logic built on thousands of little micro experiences. 00:52:11.892 --> 00:52:15.757 Your gut doesn't speak in words, although after a lot of Taco Bell, 00:52:15.882 --> 00:52:19.722 it kind of sounds like it does, but it more speaks in sensations, 00:52:19.752 --> 00:52:21.822 tightness, nausea, heat, dread. 00:52:22.062 --> 00:52:25.692 And when you are ignoring those cues, if you ignore them long enough, your 00:52:25.692 --> 00:52:29.202 body starts shouting through the panic and exhaustion or depression. 00:52:29.413 --> 00:52:32.408 And when you ignore those cues long enough, your body starts shouting through 00:52:32.408 --> 00:52:34.118 panic and exhaustion or depression. 00:52:34.568 --> 00:52:35.768 Those symptoms aren't flaws. 00:52:35.768 --> 00:52:38.023 They're the language of ignored truth. 00:52:38.443 --> 00:52:41.388 Here's the difficult part though, when your gut and hope argue. 00:52:42.148 --> 00:52:44.458 Hope usually wins because hope feels noble. 00:52:44.818 --> 00:52:47.698 But ungrounded hope keeps you stuck in a cycle of waiting for evidence 00:52:47.698 --> 00:52:50.398 that contradicts what your body already knows and has been possibly 00:52:50.398 --> 00:52:52.048 trying to tell you for a long time. 00:52:52.978 --> 00:52:55.018 How do you apply this rebuild trust with your body? 00:52:55.018 --> 00:52:56.128 Your body isn't betraying you. 00:52:56.128 --> 00:52:58.648 It's been be protecting you all along. 00:52:59.038 --> 00:53:01.498 So start by noticing sensations without judgment. 00:53:01.648 --> 00:53:05.008 Again, if you wanna put your hand on your chest and breathe and ask, Hey, 00:53:05.008 --> 00:53:06.448 uh, what are you trying to tell me? 00:53:06.963 --> 00:53:07.943 You don't have to fix it. 00:53:07.943 --> 00:53:08.543 Just listen. 00:53:09.053 --> 00:53:09.893 What am I feeling? 00:53:09.953 --> 00:53:10.733 Where am I feeling it? 00:53:10.823 --> 00:53:11.783 What does it feel like? 00:53:12.833 --> 00:53:16.883 And learn to translate your feelings into facts. 00:53:17.183 --> 00:53:18.318 Take in the feelings. 00:53:19.133 --> 00:53:20.063 But then what? 00:53:20.063 --> 00:53:21.503 What is the story my brain's telling me? 00:53:21.533 --> 00:53:25.253 When you feel anxious, instead of saying, I'm overreacting, notice 00:53:25.253 --> 00:53:26.603 something in me feels unsafe. 00:53:27.113 --> 00:53:28.913 I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious. 00:53:29.033 --> 00:53:30.863 What's the story my brain's telling me? 00:53:31.163 --> 00:53:33.143 This shift turns judgment into curiosity. 00:53:33.143 --> 00:53:35.453 And remember, your emotions are messengers. 00:53:35.453 --> 00:53:35.963 They're not your. 00:53:36.938 --> 00:53:38.528 Sadness means something mattered. 00:53:38.618 --> 00:53:41.528 Anger means a boundary was crossed or something is unjust. 00:53:41.948 --> 00:53:44.408 Anxiety means something feels unsafe or unpredictable. 00:53:44.648 --> 00:53:47.798 Each emotion is a signal light, not a complete stop. 00:53:47.942 --> 00:53:50.852 So the next time your body gives you that tight sinking feeling, don't silence it. 00:53:50.852 --> 00:53:51.872 Whisper this phrase yourself. 00:53:51.902 --> 00:53:54.212 My body's remembering what my mind is trying to forget. 00:53:54.302 --> 00:53:55.952 Thank you body for reminding me. 00:53:56.462 --> 00:53:57.902 You don't have to know the full reason either. 00:53:58.142 --> 00:53:59.672 Listening right now is plenty. 00:53:59.732 --> 00:54:00.392 That is enough. 00:54:01.922 --> 00:54:04.562 So last but not least, commandment Number 10, thou shalt. 00:54:04.562 --> 00:54:06.002 Remember, change is not linear. 00:54:06.002 --> 00:54:07.532 It's a rewiring of survival. 00:54:07.532 --> 00:54:09.272 Your brain is a don't get killed device. 00:54:09.302 --> 00:54:11.732 It will choose the familiar path over unfamiliar growth. 00:54:12.122 --> 00:54:14.132 Because safety once meant survival. 00:54:14.492 --> 00:54:18.602 It constantly tries to predict the future and avoid discomfort, but both 00:54:18.632 --> 00:54:20.822 certainty and control are illusions. 00:54:21.662 --> 00:54:24.892 So as you walk this path to becoming you, . You're going to progress. 00:54:24.892 --> 00:54:26.842 You might regress a little bit and then you'll repeat. 00:54:26.842 --> 00:54:27.682 And it's not failure. 00:54:27.682 --> 00:54:28.552 That's the way it works. 00:54:28.552 --> 00:54:29.692 That's the human experience. 00:54:30.232 --> 00:54:34.192 The cliched three steps forward, one or two steps back is okay, 00:54:34.492 --> 00:54:35.512 there's acceptance there. 00:54:35.812 --> 00:54:38.122 Because acceptance doesn't mean apathy or that you're doing 00:54:38.122 --> 00:54:40.012 anything wrong, it just is. 00:54:41.092 --> 00:54:43.762 Acceptance means to take in without defense in its entirety. 00:54:43.762 --> 00:54:46.132 I'm accepting the fact that I'll make some progress and then I might have a 00:54:46.132 --> 00:54:50.192 setback or two because every time you return to the present and get back on 00:54:50.192 --> 00:54:54.812 this path of healing, you're cutting new neural pathways in your brain and that 00:54:54.812 --> 00:54:57.122 builds deeper awareness and commitment. 00:54:57.662 --> 00:54:59.912 And over time, that will shift and it will change. 00:54:59.912 --> 00:55:01.262 And all of a sudden, this is what you do. 00:55:01.262 --> 00:55:05.852 It's not something that you're trying to get back to that's not doing this perfect. 00:55:05.912 --> 00:55:06.722 That's healing. 00:55:06.825 --> 00:55:08.115 Okay, let's get to a couple of cut examples. 00:55:08.850 --> 00:55:11.520 He disappears for four days after an argument that acts like nothing happened. 00:55:11.700 --> 00:55:13.290 The cycle starts again and again. 00:55:13.290 --> 00:55:16.500 And I used to think I was crazy for still hoping that things would be different. 00:55:16.800 --> 00:55:18.540 And I would go back in, I would rule it out. 00:55:18.540 --> 00:55:20.640 But now I see I wasn't crazy, I was conditioned. 00:55:21.600 --> 00:55:24.750 Or another example, even after learning about narcissism and extreme emotional 00:55:24.750 --> 00:55:27.535 immaturity, it took me months to accept that my partner wouldn't change. 00:55:28.170 --> 00:55:30.570 I would think maybe they'll see now that I've said it better 00:55:30.570 --> 00:55:31.680 or I'm showing up differently. 00:55:31.710 --> 00:55:33.990 And I kept trying even after I knew. 00:55:35.160 --> 00:55:37.780 But now I know it wasn't stupidity, it was habit. 00:55:38.620 --> 00:55:41.920 Or example number three, I finally left, but I still have dreams about him. 00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:44.700 Sometimes I wake up and I miss the version of him that I wish existed, 00:55:44.700 --> 00:55:45.750 and I really don't like that. 00:55:46.020 --> 00:55:48.120 But I also know healing isn't about never missing him. 00:55:48.120 --> 00:55:48.870 It's about learning. 00:55:48.870 --> 00:55:52.630 Why do I, and then what do I do when I recognize that, that one is so 00:55:52.630 --> 00:55:56.880 profound of a cut because it's this concept of whole object relations. 00:55:56.940 --> 00:55:57.690 I can still. 00:55:58.470 --> 00:56:01.230 Be grateful to be out of a unhealthy marriage. 00:56:01.380 --> 00:56:05.100 I can also be sad about it and I can also remember good times 00:56:05.100 --> 00:56:07.590 that we did have, and I can also remember times that weren't so good. 00:56:07.650 --> 00:56:11.610 And as an emotionally mature adult human, you can do all of those 00:56:11.610 --> 00:56:12.930 things pretty much in tandem. 00:56:15.150 --> 00:56:16.590 So what's happening emotionally here? 00:56:16.590 --> 00:56:19.860 Remember your brain's designed to predict and to look for what feels familiar. 00:56:19.860 --> 00:56:21.960 Because familiar once meant safety. 00:56:22.200 --> 00:56:24.060 Even when the familiar hurts, it feels stable. 00:56:24.190 --> 00:56:24.910 It's the norm. 00:56:25.060 --> 00:56:27.880 The unknown, even if it's better, feels risky. 00:56:28.480 --> 00:56:30.850 So when you finally take a break or you leave, your nervous system 00:56:30.850 --> 00:56:33.220 is gonna freak out because you crave the familiar pattern. 00:56:34.040 --> 00:56:35.930 Because it's familiar, because it's predictable. 00:56:36.260 --> 00:56:38.540 That's why people relapse into toxic relationships or 00:56:38.540 --> 00:56:39.650 they second guess progress. 00:56:39.650 --> 00:56:40.580 It's not weakness. 00:56:40.670 --> 00:56:41.840 It's your neurology. 00:56:42.080 --> 00:56:44.510 It's your deeply rutted neuro pathways in your brain. 00:56:44.780 --> 00:56:48.650 It's the familiar, if you've been walking on a dirt path for years, the more you 00:56:48.650 --> 00:56:50.150 walk it, the deeper the groove gets. 00:56:50.330 --> 00:56:52.940 Then one day you try to cut through the tall grass and. 00:56:53.870 --> 00:56:57.170 Start a new path and it's harder and it's slower and it's scratchier 00:56:57.170 --> 00:56:59.870 and you're tempted to go back to the old road, not because it's 00:56:59.870 --> 00:57:01.940 better, but because it's worn. 00:57:02.810 --> 00:57:04.220 That's the rewiring of the brain. 00:57:04.250 --> 00:57:05.420 That's neuroplasticity. 00:57:05.420 --> 00:57:08.000 Walking the new path on purpose again and again until it 00:57:08.000 --> 00:57:09.200 starts to feel more like home. 00:57:09.920 --> 00:57:11.810 Now, why we keep looking back? 00:57:11.990 --> 00:57:13.820 Progress doesn't feel like progress. 00:57:13.913 --> 00:57:15.713 I mean, define what that feels like. 00:57:15.953 --> 00:57:17.603 Often when I ask somebody what would progress look like? 00:57:17.603 --> 00:57:20.853 The number one answer is, I dunno, I'll just know it when I do, when I get there. 00:57:21.393 --> 00:57:23.163 But it doesn't necessarily feel like anything. 00:57:23.643 --> 00:57:25.953 Sometimes progress will feel like grief. 00:57:26.073 --> 00:57:29.223 You're grieving the person you thought that they were, the person that you 00:57:29.223 --> 00:57:32.443 had wanted to be earlier in your marriage, the future you imagined 00:57:32.683 --> 00:57:36.703 the version of yourself in that story you wanted so desperately to live. 00:57:37.813 --> 00:57:39.583 And grief does not move in a straight line. 00:57:40.033 --> 00:57:40.963 It will circle back. 00:57:40.993 --> 00:57:43.933 You'll have good days and setback days and days when you feel free 00:57:43.933 --> 00:57:45.283 and days when you miss that person. 00:57:45.288 --> 00:57:46.633 And that doesn't mean you failed. 00:57:46.963 --> 00:57:49.993 It means your body and your brain are syncing up with the truth 00:57:50.053 --> 00:57:51.433 that your heart already knows. 00:57:52.933 --> 00:57:54.013 So how do you apply this commandment? 00:57:54.793 --> 00:57:56.983 Expect regression, accept regression. 00:57:56.983 --> 00:57:57.493 It's normal. 00:57:57.493 --> 00:57:57.943 It's human. 00:57:57.943 --> 00:57:59.233 It means you're actually on the right path. 00:57:59.263 --> 00:58:00.403 You will text them again. 00:58:00.403 --> 00:58:01.993 You will most likely replay old memories. 00:58:02.023 --> 00:58:05.533 You will have moments of doubt that's not backsliding, that's exposure therapy. 00:58:05.863 --> 00:58:08.563 Every time you revisit it, it's a chance to respond differently. 00:58:09.283 --> 00:58:12.133 Separate thoughts from actions thinking about them doesn't 00:58:12.133 --> 00:58:13.093 mean you want them back. 00:58:13.693 --> 00:58:15.673 Missing somebody doesn't mean that they were good for you. 00:58:15.793 --> 00:58:19.123 Thoughts are just these echoes that are happening, not necessarily 00:58:19.123 --> 00:58:21.373 instructions and track that there it is. 00:58:21.373 --> 00:58:23.623 Moments, every time you recognize an old familiar pattern of 00:58:23.623 --> 00:58:27.193 manipulation, a guilt trip, an urge to overexplain say, oh, there it is. 00:58:28.063 --> 00:58:28.783 That's awareness. 00:58:28.843 --> 00:58:29.863 And awareness is growth. 00:58:30.782 --> 00:58:34.322 When and if you get pulled back or you feel pulled back into the old 00:58:34.322 --> 00:58:37.382 dynamic, say this out loud, my brain is craving familiar pattern because 00:58:37.382 --> 00:58:38.852 it doesn't trust unfamiliar peace. 00:58:39.302 --> 00:58:42.512 Then do one small thing that represents growth, whether it's 00:58:42.512 --> 00:58:45.122 journaling, texting a friend, pet an animal, take a walk, breathe. 00:58:45.127 --> 00:58:46.352 And each one of those moments 00:58:46.527 --> 00:58:49.017 . Is getting a rep in for your healing muscles. 00:58:50.907 --> 00:58:54.687 Okay, so as we wrap things up today, hopefully you're realizing something 00:58:54.777 --> 00:58:57.597 you've been running on empty for so long, you forgot what calm feels like, 00:58:57.597 --> 00:59:01.607 and maybe it's time to raise that emotional baseline and to rest and 00:59:01.607 --> 00:59:03.437 breathe and let stillness feel safe again. 00:59:03.587 --> 00:59:06.437 And maybe you've been questioning your own memory or your own truth. 00:59:06.527 --> 00:59:09.197 If that's you, it's time to get that PhD in gaslighting, not to 00:59:09.197 --> 00:59:12.257 prove them wrong, but to remind yourself that you are never crazy. 00:59:12.767 --> 00:59:15.467 Or maybe you're just a little bit crazy in a nice way. 00:59:16.247 --> 00:59:19.787 You're surviving confusion and maybe you're still pulling that rope in the 00:59:19.787 --> 00:59:23.597 emotional tug of war, hoping that they'll finally meet you halfway, which actually 00:59:23.597 --> 00:59:24.767 means you'll pull 'em into the pit. 00:59:24.767 --> 00:59:25.517 But I digress. 00:59:25.517 --> 00:59:28.727 But remember, peace isn't found in the tug of war. 00:59:29.117 --> 00:59:30.527 It's found in dropping the rope. 00:59:31.337 --> 00:59:34.097 And maybe you've tried to step boundaries and they've pushed through every single 00:59:34.097 --> 00:59:38.327 one, but now it's time to hold them anyway because each time you do your 00:59:38.327 --> 00:59:43.607 teaching yourself that your peace matters and that you can do difficult things. 00:59:44.912 --> 00:59:48.542 So maybe you've been writing really long messages and searching for that 00:59:48.542 --> 00:59:51.332 perfect sentence, or sending them the podcast that will change their life. 00:59:51.662 --> 00:59:54.752 That will finally make them realize that they don't get it. 00:59:55.202 --> 00:59:57.602 And you need to recognize you won't give them that epiphany, 00:59:58.172 --> 01:00:00.062 but you can certainly give yourself clarity. 01:00:00.302 --> 01:00:04.262 And maybe you've opened up time and time again and explained and over explained 01:00:04.262 --> 01:00:05.792 only to have your words used against you. 01:00:06.062 --> 01:00:07.982 So from now on, limit that attack surface. 01:00:07.982 --> 01:00:11.012 You don't owe access to anybody who mishandles your vulnerability. 01:00:11.552 --> 01:00:15.092 And if you've been called selfish or cold or dramatic, take a closer look at that. 01:00:15.092 --> 01:00:16.022 That's their projection. 01:00:16.382 --> 01:00:17.732 You are not what they're saying. 01:00:17.732 --> 01:00:18.092 You are. 01:00:18.092 --> 01:00:21.002 You are learning to see through their reflection, to find your own. 01:00:21.602 --> 01:00:24.602 And if you've lost your spark and your humor and your sense of 01:00:24.602 --> 01:00:25.892 self, know that it's still there. 01:00:25.892 --> 01:00:29.552 It's waiting for you to honor your inner dialogue again, to speak kindly 01:00:29.642 --> 01:00:32.792 to that inner child, that person who's carried you through all of this. 01:00:33.002 --> 01:00:35.402 You're still there and you're getting through it. 01:00:36.122 --> 01:00:39.002 And when your stomach twists and your chest tightens, it's not weakness. 01:00:39.002 --> 01:00:39.782 That's actually wisdom. 01:00:39.782 --> 01:00:40.212 Trust your gut. 01:00:40.832 --> 01:00:41.732 Listen to your emotions. 01:00:41.732 --> 01:00:44.492 They're not problems to fix their signals, and they're pointing 01:00:44.492 --> 01:00:46.352 you toward this emotional home. 01:00:46.382 --> 01:00:49.712 And if you stumble and if you circle back, and if you remember why 01:00:49.712 --> 01:00:54.032 healing feels messy, remember, you are not broken, you are rewiring. 01:00:54.092 --> 01:00:55.172 Change is not linear. 01:00:55.202 --> 01:00:57.902 You're walking new paths where old pain used to live, you're 01:00:57.902 --> 01:01:02.569 not failing your waking up and you don't have to do it alone. 01:01:02.669 --> 01:01:05.519 If you would like a PDF copy of these 10 commandments, please reach out 01:01:05.519 --> 01:01:07.109 to me at contact@tonyoverbay.com. 01:01:07.109 --> 01:01:09.959 And while you're there, sign up for my newsletter, find me on substack. 01:01:10.109 --> 01:01:11.729 A lot of content's happening on substack. 01:01:11.999 --> 01:01:16.139 It's substack.com/i believe it's at the virtual couch. 01:01:17.039 --> 01:01:20.189 Follow me on Instagram at virtual couch and on TikTok at virtual couch. 01:01:20.269 --> 01:01:22.819 And if you have ever thought you needed help and you're not really sure where 01:01:22.819 --> 01:01:26.419 to turn and you really resonate or jive with my content, there are times where 01:01:26.419 --> 01:01:27.949 I have some spots open and I could help. 01:01:28.339 --> 01:01:30.919 So if that's something you might be interested in, reach out to 01:01:30.919 --> 01:01:34.427 me and let me know what you're going through and how I can help. 01:01:34.772 --> 01:01:37.232 If you're a woman who's in a relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally 01:01:37.232 --> 01:01:40.982 immature partner, or fill in the blank, pet boss parent, reach out, 01:01:41.912 --> 01:01:43.472 join my private women's Facebook group. 01:01:43.522 --> 01:01:46.702 It's a space filled with support and empathy and people who are all 01:01:46.702 --> 01:01:48.202 at different places on this path. 01:01:48.472 --> 01:01:51.022 And if you are a guy who's realizing you are in a relationship with someone 01:01:51.022 --> 01:01:53.902 who's emotionally immature, or maybe you're waking up to your own emotional 01:01:53.902 --> 01:01:55.822 immaturity, reach out to me as well. 01:01:56.692 --> 01:01:58.402 Learn about my men's emotional Architects group. 01:01:58.402 --> 01:02:01.342 It's where guys are learning to build strength from vulnerability 01:02:01.342 --> 01:02:03.862 and connection from curiosity and confidence from integrity. 01:02:04.312 --> 01:02:08.122 Because wherever you're at the moment, you stop surviving and you start growing, 01:02:08.152 --> 01:02:09.652 that's when your life begins to open up. 01:02:10.012 --> 01:02:13.302 You are not alone, it's never too late, and you're not doing it wrong. 01:02:13.602 --> 01:02:14.712 You're just waking up. 01:02:15.492 --> 01:02:16.662 Thanks for joining me today, everybody. 01:02:16.662 --> 01:02:19.632 I would love your feedback, send your questions, any thoughts that you may have, 01:02:19.872 --> 01:02:24.072 any ideas, share this with somebody if you think it might help, and I will see 01:02:24.072 --> 01:02:25.962 you next time on Waking Up to Narcissism.