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00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,929
Twas the season of giving, yet
something wasn't right, as control and

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00:00:03,929 --> 00:00:05,979
manipulation dimmed Christmas's light.

3
00:00:06,889 --> 00:00:09,869
Though the coffers were full, with
needs amply met, each purchase

4
00:00:09,879 --> 00:00:11,469
for children was met with regret.

5
00:00:11,610 --> 00:00:17,180
with such sparkle and cheer, but Father
delayed, making children wait here.

6
00:00:17,710 --> 00:00:19,860
Not yet, he would say,
with timing precise.

7
00:00:20,170 --> 00:00:22,420
His power displayed
through this holiday vice.

8
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,250
His own gifts lay waiting, wrapped
in such care, but he'd refuse them

9
00:00:26,250 --> 00:00:28,140
completely, causing such despair.

10
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:32,370
I want nothing, he'd claim, yet judge
others desires, while guilt tripping

11
00:00:32,370 --> 00:00:34,290
wishes stoked emotional fires.

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00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:38,000
Last minute shopping, done
just for show, no thought or

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00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,510
connection in gifts he'd bestow.

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00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,850
The children, though willing to shop
for their mother, found no help from

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00:00:42,860 --> 00:00:44,430
father, their wishes to smother.

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00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:50,580
At holiday parties, a curious sight, his
mood would transform, like day into night.

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00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:54,360
Beforehand, so bitter, resistant
to go, then charming and

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00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:55,980
social, putting on quite a show.

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But homeward bound, darkness would
settle once more, his temperament

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00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,130
changing right after the door.

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00:01:01,490 --> 00:01:04,920
Even cookies for neighbors would cause
him to fret, are food given away?

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00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:06,150
A controlling threat?

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00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,740
Till finally exhausted from
emotional strain, each family

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member sought refuge from pain.

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To screens they retreated, this
holiday crew, while visions of

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peace remained far from view.

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But remember, dear readers,
as this tale you digest, ends.

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That growth and awareness can put pain
to rest for patterns once hidden when

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finally clear can lead us to healing
throughout the new year So that story

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00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,940
obviously was written in the style of
twas the night before Christmas and it was

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created by my friend Claude That's Claude
AI one of the AI programs that I I enjoy

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using to add more creative flair to my
content But what makes that particularly

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interesting is that it was generated
from a listener's note about a different

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type of cut A holiday cut, if you will,
of the death by a thousand cuts variety.

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And we're not talking about your
standard paper cut from a eight and

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a half by eleven inch sheet of paper.

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Instead, we're dealing with cuts from
wrapping paper, maybe gift tags, maybe

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00:02:04,155 --> 00:02:06,045
even pine needles, even packaging.

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00:02:06,365 --> 00:02:09,995
All of them, which have the potential to
inflict harm during the holiday season.

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And this harm might be emotional or
spiritual or financial or otherwise.

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00:02:13,755 --> 00:02:15,795
And honestly, it's not just
limited to the holidays.

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00:02:16,115 --> 00:02:19,305
Or this holiday, the Christmas
holidays, or New Year's, it could

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00:02:19,315 --> 00:02:22,965
be birthdays, it could be Arbor
Day, President's Day, any, any day.

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00:02:23,085 --> 00:02:25,895
It could actually happen at night,
or in the morning, or mid morning, or

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any time basically can become a moment
when somebody might be made to question

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their own sanity, or their own reality.

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But today's focus will be on the
holidays, Christmas in particular.

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Hey everybody, welcome to Waking Up
to Narcissism, this is episode 128.

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I am your host Tony Overbay, I'm a
licensed marriage and family therapist,

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00:02:42,765 --> 00:02:46,515
and thank you for As always now to Riley
Hope for her anthem, Not My Job, and you

51
00:02:46,515 --> 00:02:50,985
can find a link to all of Riley's music
in the show notes or just look Riley

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00:02:50,985 --> 00:02:52,335
Hope up wherever you listen to music.

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00:02:52,615 --> 00:02:54,965
And I have a brand new website
that's finally been unveiled.

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00:02:54,965 --> 00:02:55,765
Go to tonyoverbay.

55
00:02:55,825 --> 00:02:59,395
com, sign up there to get my newsletter,
and please follow me on social media.

56
00:02:59,725 --> 00:03:04,435
At Virtual Couch on Instagram, at Virtual
couch on TikTok or Tony over Bay Licensed

57
00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:06,175
Marriage and Family Therapist on Facebook.

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00:03:06,535 --> 00:03:10,165
I would love it if you would go watch
this on YouTube, hit the subscribe

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00:03:10,165 --> 00:03:13,425
button  and  feel free to leave a
review wherever you listen to podcasts.

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00:03:14,155 --> 00:03:17,485
I mentioned ,  earlier this year, a men's
group called the Emotional Architects and

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there has been a couple of false starts,
but in 2025 we're talking early 2025.

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You will see the beginning
of an incredible men's group.

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So whether you are the pathologically
kind male or the guy , waking up

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to his own narcissistic traits or
tendencies, I would encourage you to

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00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,320
please reach out and just let me know.

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I still have the emails from
those of you who already wrote

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in,  you'll hear from me soon.

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00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:40,500
But if you would like to, feel free
to just check in with me again, just

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in case, because I would love to
have you be a part of that group.

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00:03:42,850 --> 00:03:46,240
And for women who are navigating
emotionally immature, narcissistic

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relationships of any type,
I do have a private women's

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Facebook group that is amazing.

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00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:52,810
So please, please reach out to me
and let me know if you're interested

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00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:56,010
in joining that and check out the
virtual couch, Patreon at patreon.

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00:03:56,010 --> 00:03:57,090
com slash virtual couch.

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00:03:57,420 --> 00:03:59,160
There's a lot more there coming soon.

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00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:03,630
And email me with any questions or
comments about anything around emotional

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00:04:03,630 --> 00:04:05,710
maturity, narcissism, relationships.

79
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:09,100
And right now I'm really looking in
particular for things regarding faith

80
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,040
and mixed faith marriages  people who
are going through faith journeys, faith

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00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:15,120
crises, and what that looks like from a.

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00:04:15,545 --> 00:04:19,335
a narcissistic or an emotionally immature
lens,  I welcome those stories as well.

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00:04:19,335 --> 00:04:23,385
And before I dive right into the stories,
I put this call out for stories about

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the holidays to my listeners, as well as
on a couple of the social media outlets.

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And to the women in my private Facebook
group at wanting these specific holiday

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types of cuts or stories and the
responses I received were, I was going

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to say predominantly from women, but
they were all from women this go around.

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But I do want to take a moment and
acknowledge that I think there's something

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really important and I know from my, my
clinical practice and from the emails

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00:04:47,652 --> 00:04:50,842
that I will get in often that there
are plenty of men out there that are

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00:04:50,842 --> 00:04:53,872
dealing with narcissistic and extremely
emotionally immature female partners.

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And I think there's a pretty
fascinating part about that dynamic

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00:04:57,262 --> 00:05:00,302
and it can actually, it can actually
be more challenging in some ways

94
00:05:00,302 --> 00:05:02,702
when you're that pathologically
kind male in the relationship.

95
00:05:03,472 --> 00:05:08,132
Because  a lot of the gender stereotypes
and the societal stereotypes of That it

96
00:05:08,132 --> 00:05:11,762
can't be that the guy is the one that
is being emotionally or even physically

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00:05:11,762 --> 00:05:13,542
or financially, spiritually abused.

98
00:05:14,062 --> 00:05:17,762
A lot of guys are going through  nice
guy syndrome and where they will just

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00:05:17,762 --> 00:05:22,092
continue to take it, to, to suck it
up, to  try to just continue to try

100
00:05:22,092 --> 00:05:26,242
to go perform and make more and do
more so that people will like them.

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00:05:26,842 --> 00:05:30,092
But that doesn't typically fit the
narrative that we hear about because

102
00:05:30,302 --> 00:05:33,382
most of the stories that that I
know that I do tend to feature.

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00:05:34,062 --> 00:05:37,182
Are about the pathologically kind woman
in relationships with narcissistic or

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00:05:37,182 --> 00:05:38,712
extremely emotionally immature men.

105
00:05:39,192 --> 00:05:43,212
And but I really do just want to
emphasize, and I can't say it clearly

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00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:46,992
enough, that this relationship
dynamic, , what Ross Rosenberg calls

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the human magnet syndrome, which I
highly recommend that book, it is

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not limited by gender or orientation.

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It comes in all shapes and sizes, all
configurations that you can imagine.

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And I mean this sincerely.

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00:05:57,557 --> 00:06:00,497
I really do want to hear from more
of you out there, whether you're

112
00:06:00,587 --> 00:06:03,647
the pathologically kind male in
the dynamic, or if you're in a same

113
00:06:03,657 --> 00:06:06,137
gender relationship dealing with these
patterns, or maybe you're somebody

114
00:06:06,137 --> 00:06:08,847
who's waking up to your own narcissistic
tendencies or emotional immaturity,

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that I want you to know, I see you.

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This is the work that I do.

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00:06:11,427 --> 00:06:14,397
I really enjoy helping people
understand this in themselves and

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what's happening in their relationships.

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And and I hear you, and I, and
your stories matter just as much.

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So, So do not hesitate to write in
with your experiences, your questions,

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00:06:22,592 --> 00:06:25,742
your journeys, your poems, your songs,
, because this isn't just about one type

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00:06:25,742 --> 00:06:27,282
of relationship or one type of person.

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00:06:27,692 --> 00:06:31,932
I see you and your voice definitely
deserves to be heard in this conversation.

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00:06:32,422 --> 00:06:36,892
So with that said, let's let's
dive right into the stories that

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will make up today's episode.

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All right.

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Story number one.

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My husband's relationship with
Christmas revealed deep patterns around

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control, particularly through money.

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Despite having sufficient means for
both needs and wants, he exhibited

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extreme resistance to spending money
on Christmas gifts for our kids.

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00:06:52,922 --> 00:06:55,722
He would deliberately delay Christmas
morning gift opening, making

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the children wait unnecessarily.

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00:06:57,492 --> 00:06:59,772
His own relationship with receiving
gifts was equally challenging.

135
00:06:59,782 --> 00:07:01,152
He'd refused to accept presents.

136
00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:04,622
He would make everybody beg him to
participate while simultaneously making me

137
00:07:04,622 --> 00:07:06,612
feel guilty for wanting anything myself.

138
00:07:07,032 --> 00:07:08,662
By the way, this is the story that.

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00:07:09,087 --> 00:07:12,597
I used to generate the twice the
night before Christmas story at

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00:07:12,597 --> 00:07:14,267
the beginning of today's episode.

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She went on to say, if he did
shop for me, it was last minute

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00:07:17,857 --> 00:07:20,307
and without consideration for
my interests or my desires.

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00:07:20,327 --> 00:07:23,717
And he never facilitated our children's
ability to give me gifts either leaving me

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00:07:23,717 --> 00:07:27,687
feeling forgotten during what should be of
season of giving his behavior at holiday

145
00:07:27,687 --> 00:07:29,227
parties followed a distinct pattern.

146
00:07:29,287 --> 00:07:32,907
He'd resist attending act terribly
beforehand, then transform into a social

147
00:07:32,907 --> 00:07:36,157
butterfly at the event, then revert
to hostile behavior on the way home.

148
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,402
He even criticized my gesture of sharing
Christmas cookies with the neighbors,

149
00:07:39,732 --> 00:07:41,932
framing it as giving away all our food.

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00:07:42,402 --> 00:07:45,332
By the end of the gift opening, the
emotional toll would leave everybody

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00:07:45,402 --> 00:07:49,002
to retreat into their electronic
devices for the remainder of the day.

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00:07:50,602 --> 00:07:54,232
Thank you for sharing, and I know this
one's going to resonate with a lot of

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00:07:54,242 --> 00:07:57,372
people, and I think that this is one
of those situations that , I hesitate

154
00:07:57,372 --> 00:08:00,172
to use the word beautifully, but
beautifully illustrates how emotionally

155
00:08:00,192 --> 00:08:05,467
immature a Behaviors can  permeate
every aspect of holiday celebrations,

156
00:08:05,747 --> 00:08:10,460
because when  we can see that control
over money and time and even the cookie

157
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:14,875
distribution becomes a way to manage
whatever his deep seated insecurities are.

158
00:08:15,135 --> 00:08:18,485
That putting himself out there,
being willing to let go of some of

159
00:08:18,485 --> 00:08:20,415
that control,  feels , too scary.

160
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:24,745
And so then, instead he will manage
, everybody, everything, , every

161
00:08:24,745 --> 00:08:29,685
ingredient,  Every penny that comes in,
also every emotion, whether it's  the

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00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:32,575
anger of going to a party, but then
when I'm there, I need to manage the

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00:08:32,575 --> 00:08:35,485
room and make sure everybody knows
that I'm an amazing human being.

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00:08:35,845 --> 00:08:39,545
That deep seated insecurity is
really about this fear and this

165
00:08:39,575 --> 00:08:44,515
need for control because the
uncertainty is just so, so scary.

166
00:08:44,995 --> 00:08:46,445
, look at the  delayed gift opening.

167
00:08:46,465 --> 00:08:48,615
It's not really about
timing, that's about power.

168
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:52,370
Because the resistance to receiving
gifts,  simultaneously failing

169
00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:55,850
to give, and especially give
thoughtfully, reveals something

170
00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:57,910
profound about his emotional capacity.

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00:08:57,940 --> 00:08:58,950
It's too much going on.

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00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:03,180
And then when you see this stark
contrast between public and private

173
00:09:03,180 --> 00:09:05,500
behavior,  that's really, really telling.

174
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,480
Because it lacks emotional consistency.

175
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:10,940
It's hard to find where that would
be operating from any kind of a

176
00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:14,360
place of integrity, because you
may be telling yourself you're this

177
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,590
amazing human being, but you're not.

178
00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:17,460
Right, guys looking behind you.

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00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,220
Nobody's there.

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00:09:18,310 --> 00:09:20,870
So out in public, this is the
public persona I'm going to,

181
00:09:20,990 --> 00:09:21,700
I'm going to put out there.

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00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:25,880
But then at home, I'm a, I'm frustrated
and  mad because people are giving

183
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,200
away all our chocolate chips and
and they're spending all my money.

184
00:09:29,530 --> 00:09:33,720
And how dare you get mom a super
thoughtful gift when that, I don't

185
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:34,820
think that you've done that for me.

186
00:09:35,390 --> 00:09:39,350
So in public settings where the, it's
about optics where the brain just

187
00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:41,080
perceives this need to maintain image.

188
00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:44,660
Then he can access is
more regulated behavior.

189
00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:47,430
And I think often that's even more
frustrating for people to see, because

190
00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:50,660
if he can do that out in public,
why on earth can't he do it at home?

191
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,150
Because in private where that external
pressure is removed, well, now it's

192
00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:59,270
time for the emotional immaturity to
resurface and, uh, I don't know, put on a

193
00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:00,935
bathrobe and just stroll around the house.

194
00:10:01,895 --> 00:10:06,015
. It's about patterns of behavior that
stem from his own nature and nurture

195
00:10:06,045 --> 00:10:09,255
and abandonment and attachment and
all those experiences from his youth.

196
00:10:09,895 --> 00:10:14,465
But the impact on kids and on the entire
family dynamic, I think is significant

197
00:10:14,885 --> 00:10:18,845
because when holidays end up not just
being this time where you get to enjoy

198
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:22,915
and give and celebrate and be free,  when
holidays become these exercises and

199
00:10:22,965 --> 00:10:28,302
happen to even further, Regulate your
emotions rather than celebrate, then I

200
00:10:28,312 --> 00:10:32,022
think that's what we see described in
what this woman  talked about family

201
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:35,312
members start to retreat to individual
coping mechanisms like their electronics,

202
00:10:35,752 --> 00:10:40,042
and I think this is why maybe you
see a uptick in unhealthy coping

203
00:10:40,052 --> 00:10:44,152
mechanisms during the holidays because
the brain starts to then seek safety

204
00:10:44,392 --> 00:10:48,652
through distraction if the connection
in the family feels too threatening.

205
00:10:48,652 --> 00:10:51,692
So rather than this being
this amazing, wonderful time.

206
00:10:52,017 --> 00:10:57,397
Then it becomes a time where vices and
coping mechanisms are further on display,

207
00:10:57,397 --> 00:10:58,837
are actually hidden in the shadows.

208
00:10:59,317 --> 00:11:01,677
Because then people get to beat themselves
up and say, what's wrong with me?

209
00:11:01,747 --> 00:11:04,687
I look on social media, everybody else
seems to be having fun at Christmas.

210
00:11:05,187 --> 00:11:08,097
Just remember that recognizing
these patterns,  is part of growth.

211
00:11:08,207 --> 00:11:11,037
Starting to acknowledge that, okay,
I'm not alone, or that's what I'm,

212
00:11:11,227 --> 00:11:12,477
I've experienced in my own home.

213
00:11:12,907 --> 00:11:15,927
Because you don't know what you
don't know until something or someone

214
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,977
helps you see it more clearly.

215
00:11:18,647 --> 00:11:23,357
Every interaction that you're going to
hear today , every story can act as a bit

216
00:11:23,357 --> 00:11:26,537
of a muse, teaching you about yourself,
what you want or need in relationships.

217
00:11:26,537 --> 00:11:29,147
You might even hear things and
think, Oh, mine's not that bad.

218
00:11:29,607 --> 00:11:32,357
You're going to have opinions that are
going to come up from what you hear today.

219
00:11:32,707 --> 00:11:35,377
The awareness that you're starting
to show isn't just an observation.

220
00:11:35,817 --> 00:11:38,967
This is the beginning of
differentiation of understanding

221
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,637
how these patterns affect you.

222
00:11:41,097 --> 00:11:44,437
They can impact your family, your
children, and potentially this can be

223
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,357
the first step toward creating holiday
experiences that align more with your

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values or your wants or your needs.

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I've got five or six more of these
examples today, and I  encourage you

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00:11:52,437 --> 00:11:56,497
to sit back, relax, and just take them
in and see what that brings up for you.

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00:11:56,537 --> 00:11:59,857
Maybe even jot down some notes, talk
to your therapist about them, email me.

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00:11:59,947 --> 00:12:02,137
With questions and we can even
do a follow up episode on,

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00:12:02,407 --> 00:12:03,487
all right, what do I do next?

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00:12:03,487 --> 00:12:05,437
If this is what's happening in my dynamic.

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00:12:05,730 --> 00:12:08,180
Here's an example that I think
really captures how emotional

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00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:12,820
maturity can  throw an entire shadow
over the holiday celebrations.

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00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:16,730
Another listener said before I understood
narcissism, and then I'll just add a

234
00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:19,950
little asterisk and say, or extreme
emotional maturity, I had actually given

235
00:12:19,950 --> 00:12:21,410
a name to my husband's holiday demeanor.

236
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,650
I called it his Christmas face.

237
00:12:23,265 --> 00:12:26,935
It was this distinct expression, like
somebody had just harmed his beloved pet.

238
00:12:27,365 --> 00:12:30,605
I began to notice a pattern of him
seeming to despise all holidays.

239
00:12:31,005 --> 00:12:33,695
Concerned about how this affected our
children, I started creating separate

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00:12:33,695 --> 00:12:37,165
holiday experiences without him present,
just so they could experience pure

241
00:12:37,165 --> 00:12:39,015
joy without walking on eggshells.

242
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,585
And you can see the dynamic
that the emotionally immature

243
00:12:41,605 --> 00:12:43,265
can create in the home.

244
00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:47,960
Where even their not being there can
impact the family because I'm sure that

245
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,140
people, while they want to be present with
whatever these holiday celebrations are,

246
00:12:51,430 --> 00:12:55,750
they're still , living in fear that when
dad finds out, how's he going to take it?

247
00:12:55,910 --> 00:12:57,430
Then do we have to start keeping secrets?

248
00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:00,160
We want to be able to be open,
especially about things like

249
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,370
celebrations or holidays.

250
00:13:01,870 --> 00:13:05,760
She said this year, things escalated
when he had an explosive outburst the

251
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,380
day before Thanksgiving with his family.

252
00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:10,090
Through support from others, I've
made some important realizations.

253
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:10,150
Thank you.

254
00:13:10,805 --> 00:13:13,095
I've even decided to stop sending
Christmas cards, something I

255
00:13:13,095 --> 00:13:15,825
previously loved doing because I'm
no longer willing to maintain the

256
00:13:15,825 --> 00:13:17,555
facade that everything is fine.

257
00:13:18,045 --> 00:13:20,365
Somebody pointed out that my
tendency to keep up appearances

258
00:13:20,365 --> 00:13:22,245
might actually enable his behavior.

259
00:13:22,825 --> 00:13:25,115
Since he's highly invested in
maintaining his public image, my

260
00:13:25,115 --> 00:13:28,645
role in upholding this false reality
isn't serving anybody's growth.

261
00:13:29,395 --> 00:13:33,655
Now that takes a lot of a lot of
emotional maturity just to even be

262
00:13:33,665 --> 00:13:36,355
aware or be willing to do a little
self confrontation like that.

263
00:13:36,755 --> 00:13:41,135
That word enabler can be a really
emotionally charged word because I think

264
00:13:41,165 --> 00:13:44,775
often if I were to say to somebody,
Hey, you're an enabler in my office,

265
00:13:45,175 --> 00:13:49,105
it can feel like a, an accusation
or a judgment of their character.

266
00:13:49,425 --> 00:13:53,555
But I think if we can look at things like
our behavior can actually be enabling

267
00:13:53,885 --> 00:13:55,715
the unhealthy behaviors of others.

268
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,935
Well, now we can look at it with
a little bit more curiosity.

269
00:13:58,435 --> 00:13:59,695
With this example.

270
00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:03,305
I think it's one of these where, again,
when you start to recognize things that

271
00:14:03,305 --> 00:14:06,975
you previously didn't see, , you don't
know what you don't know  once she sees

272
00:14:06,975 --> 00:14:09,655
How she moved from trying to manage
somebody else's emotions, creating

273
00:14:09,655 --> 00:14:12,795
separate celebrations, maintaining
appearances, to now recognizing how

274
00:14:12,795 --> 00:14:16,235
these adaptations might actually be
maintaining these unhealthy patterns.

275
00:14:16,495 --> 00:14:19,045
And I know there's a fine line there
of wanting to create these experiences

276
00:14:19,045 --> 00:14:24,170
and really understanding or believing
strongly that it would not be a very

277
00:14:24,170 --> 00:14:27,750
positive experience to try to convince
somebody that doesn't want to participate

278
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:32,230
like her husband to now get on board
and be excited because if he's truly

279
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,410
this emotionally immature person with
narcissistic traits and tendencies

280
00:14:35,410 --> 00:14:38,640
right up to full blown narcissistic
personality disorder, if you tell him

281
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,330
this is what I would like to do, now
you've provided that attack surface, you

282
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,130
now said, Hey, here's what I want to do.

283
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,900
And then to the immature narcissistic
person, they hear that as, Oh, you

284
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,330
think your thing is better than mine.

285
00:14:49,735 --> 00:14:50,655
Well, I know what to do with that.

286
00:14:50,685 --> 00:14:54,645
I will now knock you down a peg, put you
in the one down position, me in the one up

287
00:14:55,025 --> 00:14:56,615
and and I can go back about my business.

288
00:14:56,615 --> 00:14:58,315
But now, meanwhile you're
emotionally destroyed.

289
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,195
But back to the brain being
a don't get killed device.

290
00:15:01,225 --> 00:15:03,995
I think it often convinces us that
keeping the peace and maintaining

291
00:15:03,995 --> 00:15:07,315
the status quo is the safest option
because it does keep the waters calm.

292
00:15:07,995 --> 00:15:12,145
But but I don't know, a boat is not
going to get anywhere on these calm seas.

293
00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:14,185
Sometimes we gotta add a
little bit of a little bit of

294
00:15:14,185 --> 00:15:15,875
turbulence, some waves in there.

295
00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:18,845
Because remember that growth
comes from discomfort.

296
00:15:19,455 --> 00:15:22,485
So when she mentioned stopping
Christmas cards, that is an example

297
00:15:22,485 --> 00:15:26,015
of being differentiated, making a
choice based on a personal truth

298
00:15:26,015 --> 00:15:27,655
rather than on the external pressures.

299
00:15:27,915 --> 00:15:30,845
And sure, a lot of people might be
listening to this and thinking, okay,

300
00:15:30,845 --> 00:15:32,815
we'll just send out a picture or write.

301
00:15:33,145 --> 00:15:37,025
I guess no one's going to suggest
probably, Hey actually things stink.

302
00:15:37,285 --> 00:15:39,606
My husband's incredibly emotionally
immature, quite frankly, probably

303
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,785
won't even read this message because it
doesn't have anything to do with him.

304
00:15:42,785 --> 00:15:43,415
Or if he does.

305
00:15:43,930 --> 00:15:46,250
Well, then you're probably not going to
get this and you'll just get a picture,

306
00:15:47,020 --> 00:15:51,280
but this story though, it just shows, I
think so much how our early attachment

307
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,860
experiences, what we've seen modeled
can start to impact our relationships

308
00:15:55,300 --> 00:16:00,385
because many of us learned early on
incorrectly, unfortunately, That we're

309
00:16:00,385 --> 00:16:03,285
the ones that are responsible for managing
other people's emotions or maintaining

310
00:16:03,285 --> 00:16:06,885
a family image, these optics that we
were talking about earlier, but part of

311
00:16:06,885 --> 00:16:10,495
emotional maturity is recognizing when
these learned behaviors no longer serve us

312
00:16:10,525 --> 00:16:13,895
or our Children, and it's about not being.

313
00:16:13,905 --> 00:16:14,745
We're not broken.

314
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,255
We're human, and we're going
through these experiences.

315
00:16:17,675 --> 00:16:20,535
And so I think often, and this
is a process, but some of the

316
00:16:20,535 --> 00:16:22,835
most loving things that we can
do both for ourselves and others.

317
00:16:23,295 --> 00:16:27,845
is to stop participating in patterns that
keep everybody stuck, that keep everyone

318
00:16:27,855 --> 00:16:32,335
still just floundering in this emotionally
immature dynamic in the family system.

319
00:16:32,899 --> 00:16:34,029
Okay let's keep this  going.

320
00:16:34,909 --> 00:16:37,959
Another person wrote in and said, My final
Christmas with my ex husband revealed

321
00:16:37,959 --> 00:16:39,549
a pattern I can now recognize clearly.

322
00:16:39,649 --> 00:16:42,399
My son had planned an incredibly
thoughtful combination Christmas

323
00:16:42,789 --> 00:16:44,409
and 50th birthday gift for me.

324
00:16:44,669 --> 00:16:46,149
A dream trip to Europe.

325
00:16:46,549 --> 00:16:49,389
He presented it beautifully, giving
me a travel book with an inscription

326
00:16:49,389 --> 00:16:53,469
detailing a week long adventure that he
arranged for me and my best friend of

327
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:57,059
forever, who was also my ex's godmother.

328
00:16:57,089 --> 00:16:59,841
I always want to say fairy godmother,
but I don't think that's always the case.

329
00:17:00,501 --> 00:17:03,171
The moment I read the details
aloud at my son's house, my ex's

330
00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:04,411
demeanor changed dramatically.

331
00:17:04,431 --> 00:17:06,451
He completely withdrew from
the celebration and began

332
00:17:06,451 --> 00:17:07,581
making excuses to leave.

333
00:17:08,051 --> 00:17:11,571
Later that evening, he called my son in a
rage, accusing him of betrayal for giving

334
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:13,481
me this gift without consulting him first.

335
00:17:13,851 --> 00:17:15,781
He actually told my son, I can't
believe you would do this to me.

336
00:17:17,281 --> 00:17:18,091
Stop right there.

337
00:17:18,391 --> 00:17:23,601
So, I can't believe you, son, would
do this to me, father of giving.

338
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:27,671
Mom, a gift with her best
friend, a gift of a lifetime.

339
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:30,051
When I eventually learned about this
conversation and confronted him,

340
00:17:30,051 --> 00:17:32,651
he tried to justify his reaction by
saying, can you at least admit he

341
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:33,861
should have asked me about the dates?

342
00:17:34,301 --> 00:17:36,771
But I stood firm and I explained that
this gift had nothing to do with him.

343
00:17:37,211 --> 00:17:40,071
The conflict continued throughout
the holiday week, culminating in him

344
00:17:40,071 --> 00:17:43,051
abruptly canceling our planned eight
hour trip to visit our daughter.

345
00:17:43,481 --> 00:17:45,931
However, I decided to make that
journey alone and found joy in

346
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:47,001
the one on one time with her.

347
00:17:47,471 --> 00:17:49,651
When I returned home, I finally
acknowledged that this behavior

348
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:52,931
was systematically destroying
my love for him, piece by piece.

349
00:17:53,481 --> 00:18:00,271
This so shows how emotional immaturity
can still exist post divorce.

350
00:18:00,801 --> 00:18:04,521
This husband, this ex husband, I
think he, his brain goes into threat

351
00:18:04,521 --> 00:18:08,201
detection mode when he's  faced with
a situation that he can't control.

352
00:18:08,776 --> 00:18:11,276
Because his, his reaction wasn't
about this trip to Europe, it was

353
00:18:11,276 --> 00:18:14,036
about his inability to handle not
being the center of the narrative.

354
00:18:14,536 --> 00:18:17,776
And what I think is so fascinating about
this moment,  why I think this serves as

355
00:18:17,776 --> 00:18:21,596
a very powerful muse, is that through this
experience she learned something profound

356
00:18:21,606 --> 00:18:23,386
about herself and about her relationship.

357
00:18:23,386 --> 00:18:27,496
In this case, she couldn't unsee
, how her ex husband's emotional

358
00:18:27,496 --> 00:18:31,556
immaturity was now manifesting in
ways that threatened to dim her joy.

359
00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:35,711
And then even her children's ability to
express love through meaningful gifts.

360
00:18:36,017 --> 00:18:40,047
think it shows how , the need to become
differentiated, the need to know that

361
00:18:40,047 --> 00:18:44,477
that is, that is a him thing becomes so
important because  with the lack of that

362
00:18:44,477 --> 00:18:49,237
differentiation, now all of a sudden his
butt hurtedness it's not a psychology

363
00:18:49,407 --> 00:18:53,027
term in the DSM, but his butt hurtedness.

364
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:56,507
Is what is getting in the way
it can actually impact and ruin

365
00:18:57,107 --> 00:19:00,297
everyone else's experience, the
gift giver, the gift receiver.

366
00:19:00,867 --> 00:19:05,197
There's a, I've had examples of people
that have talked about how now this,

367
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:09,477
in this situation, emotionally mature
will most likely now make sure that

368
00:19:09,477 --> 00:19:13,037
something dramatic happens before
they leave on the trip, trying to

369
00:19:13,037 --> 00:19:17,897
just derail someone else's experience
because all eyes are not on them.

370
00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:19,187
And.

371
00:19:19,672 --> 00:19:22,522
So I think it's a beautiful example
of differentiation in action because

372
00:19:22,522 --> 00:19:25,942
despite the pressure, the emotional
manipulation, what did she do?

373
00:19:26,062 --> 00:19:26,872
Maintain a boundary.

374
00:19:27,222 --> 00:19:31,272
And especially on that example of the
trip to visit her daughter refused.

375
00:19:31,272 --> 00:19:33,582
She refused to let his
behavior control her choices.

376
00:19:33,582 --> 00:19:34,512
Now that is growth.

377
00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:37,332
That's recognizing that while we
can't control others' reactions,

378
00:19:37,572 --> 00:19:41,052
we can absolutely take a pause and
then choose how we respond to them.

379
00:19:42,072 --> 00:19:46,062
And she has a, a phrase in there at the
end, killing my love piece by piece.

380
00:19:46,482 --> 00:19:49,942
And I think that is, that is poignant
because it shows how emotional maturity

381
00:19:50,442 --> 00:19:53,532
creates the death by a thousand cuts
in relationships because it's not

382
00:19:53,532 --> 00:19:55,332
usually one big event that ends things.

383
00:19:55,692 --> 00:19:59,242
It's this accumulated weight of just
these countless moments where one person's

384
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:03,992
inability to manage their own emotions
creates chaos for everybody around them.

385
00:20:04,432 --> 00:20:07,362
And it  impacts and
infects the relationship.

386
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:10,882
And . It's about recognizing patterns that
no longer serve us and making choices.

387
00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:14,497
That align with our own value of
maybe it's a value of connection, a

388
00:20:14,497 --> 00:20:18,237
value of travel, a value of adventure,
which then leads to raising our own

389
00:20:18,237 --> 00:20:19,907
emotional baseline, our own well being.

390
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:24,097
And sometimes the most emotionally mature
thing that we can do is acknowledge when

391
00:20:24,107 --> 00:20:29,667
a relationship dynamic is getting in
the way of me or even in her scenario,

392
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:32,367
her son growing into their best selves.

393
00:20:32,917 --> 00:20:35,177
Okay, let me jump into another example.

394
00:20:35,178 --> 00:20:37,638
Last Christmas became a turning
point in my understanding of

395
00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:39,138
emotional abuse and narcissism.

396
00:20:39,558 --> 00:20:42,678
My son was just 11 months old and I
was working extensive hours in the

397
00:20:42,678 --> 00:20:45,228
hospital lab due to staffing shortages.

398
00:20:45,258 --> 00:20:47,868
One day I came home to discover
photos of my son's first visit

399
00:20:47,868 --> 00:20:50,028
with Santa placed on our couch.

400
00:20:50,538 --> 00:20:52,968
The pain of missing this
milestone moment was overwhelming.

401
00:20:53,478 --> 00:20:55,518
When I questioned whether my
husband had intentionally excluded

402
00:20:55,518 --> 00:20:58,218
me from this experience as a
retaliation from my work schedule.

403
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,013
His response was explosive.

404
00:21:01,373 --> 00:21:04,943
Through the fog of what I now recognize
as,  disassociation, certain comments

405
00:21:04,953 --> 00:21:06,203
stand out clearly in my memory.

406
00:21:06,773 --> 00:21:11,273
He told me to, quote, put my big
girl panties on and stop taking naps.

407
00:21:11,723 --> 00:21:16,413
This despite my having autoimmune
disorder, while managing overtime

408
00:21:16,453 --> 00:21:19,643
and work, as well as the household
duties, child care, holiday

409
00:21:19,643 --> 00:21:21,093
preparations, and gift shopping.

410
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:24,586
He criticized my housekeeping
priorities, my constant running

411
00:21:24,586 --> 00:21:25,486
of the washer and dryer,

412
00:21:25,486 --> 00:21:29,026
while neglecting our pets, our animals,
and he accused me of ignoring our son

413
00:21:29,026 --> 00:21:32,546
by being, quote, glued to my phone and
claimed that our son would always choose

414
00:21:32,546 --> 00:21:34,306
him over me if he was given the choice.

415
00:21:34,836 --> 00:21:37,856
At the time, these accusations left me
feeling worthless, like I was failing

416
00:21:37,856 --> 00:21:39,926
as a mother, as a pet owner, as a wife.

417
00:21:40,616 --> 00:21:43,026
And it wasn't until I began therapy
and I learned about narcissistic

418
00:21:43,026 --> 00:21:45,606
patterns that I recognized these
comments for what they likely were,

419
00:21:45,966 --> 00:21:48,046
projections of his own insecurities.

420
00:21:48,046 --> 00:21:51,421
And  this also shows where
People can often feel like , the

421
00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:52,671
relationship it isn't bad.

422
00:21:52,681 --> 00:21:53,411
It's okay.

423
00:21:54,061 --> 00:21:56,941
Or people want to say that early on in
the relationship, I don't think things

424
00:21:56,941 --> 00:22:01,681
were as tense as they were, but then
eventually they become more tense or you

425
00:22:01,681 --> 00:22:06,021
start to see this emotional immaturity
exhibited more because you go through

426
00:22:06,021 --> 00:22:10,241
experiences in life that  unpack these
experiences, like having a kid or going

427
00:22:10,241 --> 00:22:14,251
through financial difficulties , or the
loss  of someone in the family or a move.

428
00:22:14,541 --> 00:22:17,811
But , you don't know how you're
going to react to things until

429
00:22:18,351 --> 00:22:19,961
you are in that situation.

430
00:22:20,331 --> 00:22:23,311
And then that's almost, it's going
to unpack a lot of these feelings

431
00:22:23,311 --> 00:22:26,841
and emotions or an inability to deal
with these feelings and emotions.

432
00:22:27,801 --> 00:22:32,231
So in the scenario, when he was now
confronted with his wife's legitimate

433
00:22:32,231 --> 00:22:35,481
feelings of loss over missing their son's
first Santa visit, instead of showing

434
00:22:35,481 --> 00:22:40,616
empathy, and care, concern, compassion
just being able to acknowledge, Hey,

435
00:22:40,646 --> 00:22:41,826
I can understand that would be hard.

436
00:22:41,826 --> 00:22:42,776
And I am so sorry.

437
00:22:43,436 --> 00:22:45,016
And and Hey, let's go again.

438
00:22:45,026 --> 00:22:46,396
I mean, he's 11 months old.

439
00:22:46,396 --> 00:22:51,926
It's probably not gonna remember this
one, but instead he has an attack response

440
00:22:52,136 --> 00:22:55,206
to her trying to share her feelings
and emotions because sometimes I think,

441
00:22:55,216 --> 00:23:00,396
unfortunately it does take moments of
profound pain to then, illuminate these

442
00:23:00,416 --> 00:23:01,786
patterns that we couldn't see before.

443
00:23:01,786 --> 00:23:05,196
And when she mentioned the disassociation,
, this is not a client of mine.

444
00:23:05,196 --> 00:23:07,996
I can't diagnose what was happening there.

445
00:23:08,246 --> 00:23:11,396
But I think what she is speaking
to is her body's wisdom.

446
00:23:11,436 --> 00:23:14,786
It's almost this protective response
to becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

447
00:23:15,566 --> 00:23:19,766
And then I do think this also shows
that textbook example of how shame

448
00:23:19,766 --> 00:23:24,486
operates is that childhood defense
mechanism, because if you notice how the

449
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:29,096
accusations touched on core aspects of
identity, motherhood, home management,

450
00:23:29,516 --> 00:23:33,006
pet ownership, basic competence,
these weren't just random criticisms.

451
00:23:33,006 --> 00:23:37,436
I believe that they were the buttons that
he knew to push to get her to react so

452
00:23:37,436 --> 00:23:41,266
that then he could say, see, look at you
and not have to deal with his own stuff.

453
00:23:42,486 --> 00:23:46,736
So they tap into these deep seated fears
and insecurities that many of us carry

454
00:23:46,746 --> 00:23:48,146
from our early attachment experiences.

455
00:23:49,656 --> 00:23:52,446
But I do think that probably
the most powerful part of this

456
00:23:52,446 --> 00:23:54,316
story is the transformation.

457
00:23:54,376 --> 00:23:58,326
If you take it from this perspective
of her going to therapy, her

458
00:23:58,326 --> 00:24:01,716
receiving education around emotional
maturity and narcissism, and that

459
00:24:01,716 --> 00:24:04,896
once she has that information, she
does see things a lot more clear.

460
00:24:06,496 --> 00:24:09,636
Because when we understand
emotional immaturity, then I

461
00:24:09,646 --> 00:24:13,766
think we'll often see that it does
manifest itself in projection.

462
00:24:14,231 --> 00:24:16,351
Somebody that is putting
their own fears and their own

463
00:24:16,381 --> 00:24:18,371
inadequacies on other people.

464
00:24:19,211 --> 00:24:23,201
And we can start to then separate our
true selves from this, this distorted

465
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:27,111
mirror that maybe somebody else is holding
up to us because that's a them thing.

466
00:24:27,851 --> 00:24:32,281
I remember one time , a friend of mine was
talking about his wife would continually

467
00:24:32,281 --> 00:24:34,011
say, well, I don't believe you.

468
00:24:34,021 --> 00:24:35,051
You're not being honest.

469
00:24:35,161 --> 00:24:37,931
And he truly was one of the
more honest people that I think

470
00:24:38,201 --> 00:24:39,271
I've known or interacted with.

471
00:24:40,041 --> 00:24:45,751
But his then at the time wife was very
dishonest, but there was always a reason.

472
00:24:45,781 --> 00:24:48,611
Well, yeah, but, or it was just
that, or you don't understand, or

473
00:24:48,611 --> 00:24:51,911
I didn't mean to, or they made me
do it always this projection or not

474
00:24:51,911 --> 00:24:53,531
taking ownership of her own part.

475
00:24:54,171 --> 00:24:56,711
But I thought what was really
fascinating was then here's what

476
00:24:56,721 --> 00:24:59,401
that projection or that emotionally
mature projection can look like.

477
00:24:59,941 --> 00:25:03,761
She is aware that she's not very
honest, or she's saying things

478
00:25:03,761 --> 00:25:05,981
to get out of her discomfort, or
maybe she's not completely aware.

479
00:25:05,981 --> 00:25:08,871
Maybe it's this buried in the
subconscious, but the belief is that.

480
00:25:09,221 --> 00:25:12,321
Well, everybody does that because
everybody must do that to make me

481
00:25:12,321 --> 00:25:13,641
feel like it's okay that I do that.

482
00:25:14,021 --> 00:25:15,241
So I'm sure that he does that.

483
00:25:15,251 --> 00:25:16,561
So now I'm projecting onto him.

484
00:25:16,891 --> 00:25:19,221
Well, you're obviously not being honest.

485
00:25:20,171 --> 00:25:23,351
But then he, because honesty was
such an important value to him, that

486
00:25:23,351 --> 00:25:26,311
was the right button to push that
would cause him to lose his mind.

487
00:25:26,891 --> 00:25:29,551
And then she, to her mind says,
see, if you were being honest,

488
00:25:29,551 --> 00:25:30,501
you wouldn't react that way.

489
00:25:31,471 --> 00:25:35,071
So you can see where that dynamic,
that projection is . Pushing the button

490
00:25:35,081 --> 00:25:36,521
that can get our partner to react.

491
00:25:37,121 --> 00:25:39,761
And then the person that just
pushed the button can sit back and

492
00:25:39,771 --> 00:25:42,751
they feel somewhat justified or
validated because he, okay, they're

493
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:43,981
obviously not being honest as well.

494
00:25:44,781 --> 00:25:48,801
Once again, it is a fantastic reason
to learn how to become differentiated.

495
00:25:48,811 --> 00:25:52,785
If I know that I'm being honest, if I
live a life of integrity and honesty.

496
00:25:53,586 --> 00:25:55,786
Then if that person says,
well, you're not being honest.

497
00:25:55,786 --> 00:25:56,506
Well, I know I am.

498
00:25:56,536 --> 00:25:57,236
So tell me more.

499
00:25:57,256 --> 00:25:57,826
What is this?

500
00:25:57,856 --> 00:26:00,046
What are you seeing that you
feel is not being honest?

501
00:26:00,056 --> 00:26:02,576
Cause I want to I want to self reflect.

502
00:26:02,636 --> 00:26:05,636
I want to leave room for this flexible
sense of self cause I've got a pretty

503
00:26:05,636 --> 00:26:09,516
solid sense of self, but the only
way I'm going to really learn myself

504
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:11,156
better is in interactions with others.

505
00:26:11,616 --> 00:26:15,326
But what if we're starting from this
point where, but we're good, I'm good.

506
00:26:15,766 --> 00:26:19,536
But tell me what you're saying, but then
what if, I don't know, 90 percent of the

507
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:23,036
time, that answer that you're going to
have, whether it's internally or you're

508
00:26:23,036 --> 00:26:25,076
saying this out loud, is, Thank you.

509
00:26:25,426 --> 00:26:25,836
Period.

510
00:26:26,016 --> 00:26:26,916
Or I appreciate that.

511
00:26:27,056 --> 00:26:27,466
Period.

512
00:26:27,506 --> 00:26:28,546
Or I will take a look at that.

513
00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:29,006
Period.

514
00:26:29,076 --> 00:26:32,860
Meaning, I don't have to justify
myself, because I know myself.

515
00:26:33,410 --> 00:26:37,310
She talks more also about this feeling
of being destroyed by these accusations

516
00:26:37,310 --> 00:26:38,830
to then recognizing them as projections.

517
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:41,770
And I think that shows the
growth that shows this shift.

518
00:26:41,780 --> 00:26:45,190
It shows a move toward becoming
more differentiated because

519
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:49,090
you're starting to reclaim what
would be your locus of control.

520
00:26:49,375 --> 00:26:52,805
You are in charge of your own
thoughts, feelings, emotions, behavior.

521
00:26:53,175 --> 00:26:56,085
And so understanding that somebody
else's emotional immaturity doesn't

522
00:26:56,085 --> 00:26:59,575
define your worth as a parent, a
partner, a person, a pet owner.

523
00:26:59,895 --> 00:27:00,825
That isn't just growth.

524
00:27:00,875 --> 00:27:02,415
Now we're into the
world of transformation.

525
00:27:02,415 --> 00:27:02,445
Okay.

526
00:27:02,445 --> 00:27:05,865
This one's a little shorter, but
man, I I gotta get somebody offset.

527
00:27:05,955 --> 00:27:08,725
Give me a, give me my soap box
and get the wind machine ready.

528
00:27:08,765 --> 00:27:11,715
Cause I think I have something
that I'm going to really say.

529
00:27:11,935 --> 00:27:12,995
I was gonna say go off on that.

530
00:27:13,295 --> 00:27:14,165
It sounds very dramatic.

531
00:27:14,215 --> 00:27:16,055
I don't think I'm very
dramatic of a, of a person.

532
00:27:17,275 --> 00:27:19,785
This person says during Christmas,
my ex would refuse to participate in

533
00:27:19,795 --> 00:27:22,515
gift shopping and then spend Christmas
day pouting and making passive

534
00:27:22,515 --> 00:27:25,645
aggressive comments about it being
excluded from quote all the decisions.

535
00:27:26,150 --> 00:27:27,830
Every New Year's followed
a similar pattern.

536
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,010
He'd sleep most of the day,
deliberately delaying our arrival

537
00:27:30,010 --> 00:27:31,130
at my family's celebration.

538
00:27:31,620 --> 00:27:34,020
When I finally decided to attend
without him one year, he responded by

539
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,210
texting hurtful messages throughout
the day that left me crying

540
00:27:37,210 --> 00:27:41,340
throughout the evening while he
punched holes in the walls at home.

541
00:27:41,890 --> 00:27:43,720
Quick therapeutic commentary,
and then we'll get the

542
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:44,710
soapbox and the wind machine.

543
00:27:45,565 --> 00:27:49,515
Notice that pattern of creating a
situation by refusing to participate,

544
00:27:49,555 --> 00:27:54,055
then playing the victim when excluded, and
then escalating the behavior to punish.

545
00:27:54,355 --> 00:27:55,285
Punch holes in the wall.

546
00:27:55,285 --> 00:27:57,035
Punish any attempt at a healthy boundary.

547
00:27:57,575 --> 00:27:59,805
That is not, that is not
what the holidays are about.

548
00:27:59,935 --> 00:28:01,235
This is about control.

549
00:28:01,895 --> 00:28:03,835
Because when somebody becomes
emotionally activated like this,

550
00:28:03,865 --> 00:28:07,165
their brain, this don't get killed
device that I think that's a good

551
00:28:07,165 --> 00:28:10,545
thing to be aware of, can lead them to
choose the familiarity of destructive

552
00:28:10,545 --> 00:28:13,875
patterns over the uncertainty of what
healthy participation would look like.

553
00:28:14,345 --> 00:28:17,995
And this shift from emotional manipulation
to then physical aggression when

554
00:28:17,995 --> 00:28:22,105
he lost control, shows exactly why
setting boundaries, while necessary,

555
00:28:22,425 --> 00:28:25,985
does require consideration and safety
and why it can be so difficult.

556
00:28:27,150 --> 00:28:30,777
And to the person who wrote in with
this, you are recognizing these patterns.

557
00:28:30,787 --> 00:28:34,037
That's the first step toward
eventually reclaiming some of this

558
00:28:34,137 --> 00:28:37,687
holiday joy, which probably seems
very far out of reach right now.

559
00:28:38,277 --> 00:28:41,186
But here's what I want to say to
this to any of you that are punching

560
00:28:41,186 --> 00:28:43,196
holes in walls, don't do that.

561
00:28:43,656 --> 00:28:44,396
Knock it off.

562
00:28:44,476 --> 00:28:45,536
There's, there's no reason.

563
00:28:45,566 --> 00:28:49,496
That is such a an emotionally
immature little kid reaction.

564
00:28:49,516 --> 00:28:51,536
That's like kicking your
ball over the fence.

565
00:28:51,886 --> 00:28:53,086
It's breaking your bat.

566
00:28:53,116 --> 00:28:55,826
It's breaking your friend's,
I don't know, Barbie doll.

567
00:28:56,306 --> 00:28:58,096
It is, that is emotional immaturity.

568
00:28:58,276 --> 00:29:03,266
Your five year old self, That,
that was not told how to use their

569
00:29:03,826 --> 00:29:08,556
big kid words, or they were not
given space to feel their emotions.

570
00:29:08,606 --> 00:29:11,696
They weren't allowed to feel sad
or to feel angry or frustrated

571
00:29:11,696 --> 00:29:13,786
or cold or hungry or anything.

572
00:29:14,416 --> 00:29:17,036
Even from the good parent who would
tell them, hey, it's not that bad.

573
00:29:17,096 --> 00:29:20,696
Or the parent that I saw dragging their
kid out of Coldwell's BBQ a few weeks

574
00:29:20,696 --> 00:29:23,736
ago, who was saying, you're not cold and
you're not hungry, to the little girl

575
00:29:23,736 --> 00:29:27,246
who looked like she had goosebumps on
her, and were going into a restaurant.

576
00:29:27,286 --> 00:29:29,266
I would imagine she was
both cold and hungry.

577
00:29:29,766 --> 00:29:32,256
We need to be allowed
to feel our feelings.

578
00:29:32,696 --> 00:29:34,086
And let our kids feel their feelings.

579
00:29:34,176 --> 00:29:35,196
And name their emotions.

580
00:29:35,196 --> 00:29:38,626
Help them understand what's going
on inside of their own little

581
00:29:38,646 --> 00:29:39,856
minds, and their own little bodies.

582
00:29:40,426 --> 00:29:44,036
Because what happens then is I think that
their little bodies make a little imprint

583
00:29:44,736 --> 00:29:48,816
and they say, okay, I feel this, but I
know that I shouldn't be or it's wrong,

584
00:29:49,026 --> 00:29:53,626
but do me a solid me when you grow up and
be a big kid and you have these feelings

585
00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:57,486
and emotions, then you can do something
about it because you will be an adult.

586
00:29:57,716 --> 00:29:58,866
You'll be in a human form.

587
00:29:59,366 --> 00:30:00,756
You'll probably be able to drive.

588
00:30:00,836 --> 00:30:03,766
You might have a little extra
money that you can go get therapy

589
00:30:03,766 --> 00:30:05,786
or take a course or do something.

590
00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:11,276
So then when the adult human feels
all of a sudden so misunderstood,

591
00:30:11,286 --> 00:30:13,576
so , misheard, they feel enraged.

592
00:30:13,906 --> 00:30:17,316
That is the cue where the little
kid version of them is saying

593
00:30:17,326 --> 00:30:21,326
the inner child inside of them is
going, okay, let's not kick the ball

594
00:30:21,386 --> 00:30:22,476
over the fence of the playground.

595
00:30:22,476 --> 00:30:25,056
Because remember, we actually
couldn't play kickball anymore.

596
00:30:25,346 --> 00:30:26,486
Everybody was kind of mad at you.

597
00:30:26,486 --> 00:30:30,216
So now if you tell everybody to go jump
in a lake, that's the nice version of

598
00:30:30,216 --> 00:30:33,226
it, or you start breaking everybody's
stuff or punching holes in the wall,

599
00:30:33,626 --> 00:30:37,216
then that, that's even worse than not
being able to play a kickball game.

600
00:30:37,226 --> 00:30:39,276
You're instilling fear and
terror into these people.

601
00:30:39,286 --> 00:30:41,476
Even if you apologize
later, well, good for you.

602
00:30:41,496 --> 00:30:42,826
That probably makes you feel better.

603
00:30:43,206 --> 00:30:46,086
But to everybody else, that,
that left an imprint on them.

604
00:30:46,656 --> 00:30:51,046
So to the wall puncher, to the
extreme emotionally immature yeller

605
00:30:51,576 --> 00:30:55,246
Now, your little child is screaming
to you, you get to heal this.

606
00:30:55,706 --> 00:30:58,316
Go and find help for that.

607
00:30:58,386 --> 00:31:00,726
Learn to emotionally regulate.

608
00:31:01,376 --> 00:31:04,716
Do whatever it takes,
because you're now in charge.

609
00:31:04,926 --> 00:31:06,146
Even if it doesn't feel like it.

610
00:31:06,586 --> 00:31:08,321
You can start to be in
charge on the inside.

611
00:31:09,081 --> 00:31:12,211
I had one of the most beautiful
experiences not long ago with someone

612
00:31:12,211 --> 00:31:16,281
that I really, I admire, I care about,
I trust and I think it took that

613
00:31:16,281 --> 00:31:21,391
rapport to be able to express to them
that one particular moment they were

614
00:31:21,391 --> 00:31:26,241
feeling like they were a bad mom and
they were starting to have these really

615
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:29,031
dark thoughts and emotions creep in.

616
00:31:29,671 --> 00:31:34,726
And they said, That they found themselves
thinking, my kids deserve a different mom.

617
00:31:35,346 --> 00:31:37,796
, thanks to the rapport built
and the trust in this person.

618
00:31:37,826 --> 00:31:43,496
I was able to say they do, but it's
you, it's you becoming a better mom.

619
00:31:43,936 --> 00:31:48,866
It's you now learning that this is that
little kid in you that is screaming,

620
00:31:48,866 --> 00:31:51,416
okay, you, you now are in this situation.

621
00:31:51,766 --> 00:31:55,836
You feel emotionally overwhelmed
and your inner child is saying, Hey,

622
00:31:55,836 --> 00:31:57,456
they deserve us to be different.

623
00:31:58,016 --> 00:32:02,486
Not a different mom, meaning I don't
need to be here anymore, but now your

624
00:32:02,526 --> 00:32:04,356
own inner child is screaming at you.

625
00:32:04,716 --> 00:32:05,276
It's time.

626
00:32:05,586 --> 00:32:06,336
Let's do this.

627
00:32:06,436 --> 00:32:07,326
Let's find help.

628
00:32:07,786 --> 00:32:08,916
Let's fix ourselves.

629
00:32:08,916 --> 00:32:10,576
Let's learn how to
manage our own emotions.

630
00:32:10,606 --> 00:32:11,986
Let's learn how to be more curious.

631
00:32:12,496 --> 00:32:16,346
Let's break these patterns that were
taught to us in our own childhood.

632
00:32:16,916 --> 00:32:19,856
And yeah, it's going to take work,
but it was a beautiful moment.

633
00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:22,336
, I felt that moment where
she and I were talking about

634
00:32:22,336 --> 00:32:24,336
this and I think she did too.

635
00:32:24,386 --> 00:32:28,896
Let that inner voice, that inner
child let them guide us and say,

636
00:32:28,896 --> 00:32:30,606
okay I still want to play kickball.

637
00:32:31,176 --> 00:32:32,216
I can be a good mom.

638
00:32:32,526 --> 00:32:34,486
I can learn, I can learn how to do this.

639
00:32:35,056 --> 00:32:38,396
And unfortunately our
parents bless their hearts.

640
00:32:38,576 --> 00:32:41,316
A lot of them, they didn't
know what they didn't know, and

641
00:32:41,316 --> 00:32:42,596
they didn't know how to do it.

642
00:32:42,696 --> 00:32:46,496
They didn't know how to help us manage
our own emotions, do their own anxiety.

643
00:32:47,076 --> 00:32:51,876
Meet our own needs, find our own joy, but
now we have an opportunity to do that.

644
00:32:51,926 --> 00:32:56,036
I promise this cliche is so true, but
when I can learn to love myself now I

645
00:32:56,036 --> 00:33:01,086
am in, I can love others, but if I don't
love myself now, I'm continually trying

646
00:33:01,086 --> 00:33:04,456
to figure out, Ooh, what do I need to
say or do to get this person to love me?

647
00:33:04,456 --> 00:33:05,506
Cause I don't want to do it wrong.

648
00:33:05,516 --> 00:33:06,456
Cause then they won't love me.

649
00:33:06,986 --> 00:33:09,746
That's a lot of emotional calories
being spent where if you can learn to

650
00:33:09,746 --> 00:33:13,271
love yourself and it is real, even if
it sounds cliche right now, it's not.

651
00:33:13,901 --> 00:33:17,141
That when I can learn to be okay with
myself, when I can learn to manage my

652
00:33:17,141 --> 00:33:21,291
own anxiety, when I can learn to self
confront, when I can learn to critically

653
00:33:21,301 --> 00:33:25,411
think about myself, when then I can go
and do something about it, read things,

654
00:33:25,411 --> 00:33:29,511
take courses, go to therapy and continue
on this journey of becoming, I promise

655
00:33:29,511 --> 00:33:33,871
you that over time, that implicit memory,
what it feels like to be you or me or

656
00:33:33,871 --> 00:33:38,301
whoever it is that is based off of the
slow residue of your lived experience.

657
00:33:38,876 --> 00:33:40,066
does start to change.

658
00:33:40,106 --> 00:33:43,116
Those deeply rutted neuropathways
start to move in a different direction.

659
00:33:43,486 --> 00:33:46,706
Now your default is going to still
be what it has been for a long time.

660
00:33:47,106 --> 00:33:49,866
And change does not take as long
as it took to get you there.

661
00:33:49,906 --> 00:33:51,286
That's a completely false premise.

662
00:33:51,996 --> 00:33:53,186
I'm 55 years old.

663
00:33:53,216 --> 00:33:56,176
It will not take me until I'm
110 to change things around.

664
00:33:56,546 --> 00:34:00,306
It'll take some time, but it is
much, much quicker, or it can

665
00:34:00,306 --> 00:34:02,556
be, than than one might think.

666
00:34:02,556 --> 00:34:03,626
Now it's not three weeks.

667
00:34:03,896 --> 00:34:04,706
We could be talking months.

668
00:34:04,706 --> 00:34:06,306
We could be talking in a couple of years.

669
00:34:06,876 --> 00:34:13,096
But you start to notice the progress and
that can become empowering Okay, turn off

670
00:34:13,096 --> 00:34:15,246
the wind machine take the soapbox away.

671
00:34:15,526 --> 00:34:18,296
Okay, I've got a few more
but let's go with this one.

672
00:34:18,336 --> 00:34:21,666
I might have to do a part two or maybe
I'll put the part two over on the Patreon.

673
00:34:22,766 --> 00:34:25,806
This person said my ex would invest
considerable effort into deliberately

674
00:34:25,806 --> 00:34:29,646
choosing inappropriate gifts that I
would never wear, creating a situation

675
00:34:29,646 --> 00:34:33,506
where he then could claim I tried so hard
while knowing the gifts wouldn't suit me.

676
00:34:34,386 --> 00:34:36,536
She has a good reason why she knows later.

677
00:34:36,656 --> 00:34:37,266
So stay tuned.

678
00:34:38,121 --> 00:34:42,135
She said, even though I wouldn't complain,
proactively shame me for being ungrateful

679
00:34:42,227 --> 00:34:45,820
, regularly remind me of all the supposed
work he put into selecting these gifts.

680
00:34:45,820 --> 00:34:49,140
And then if I didn't use these ill
suited gifts, then he'd use that as

681
00:34:49,140 --> 00:34:50,830
further evidence of my ungratefulness.

682
00:34:51,750 --> 00:34:53,570
So it almost felt like he was testing her.

683
00:34:54,870 --> 00:34:57,760
I can't even think of to wear some
ugly sweater to say, Hey, where's

684
00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,850
that amazing sweater that I bought
you that I put so much time and

685
00:34:59,850 --> 00:35:01,570
effort into because I really did.

686
00:35:01,770 --> 00:35:04,530
It was a very important gift
for me to send you, to give

687
00:35:04,530 --> 00:35:05,320
you, and you don't use it.

688
00:35:06,385 --> 00:35:10,425
Notably, the only time he genuinely
selected thoughtful gifts that aligned

689
00:35:10,425 --> 00:35:13,785
with my interest was after I'd already
decided to end the relationship.

690
00:35:14,625 --> 00:35:17,955
So that proved that he was always capable
of appropriate gift giving, but he

691
00:35:17,955 --> 00:35:21,765
chose not to do so because that previous
pattern garnered him more attention.

692
00:35:22,755 --> 00:35:24,025
There's the frustrating part.

693
00:35:24,885 --> 00:35:29,065
Because she felt crazy at the time
that he would give these gifts and

694
00:35:29,065 --> 00:35:32,215
that she would try to be appreciative
of them, but it was never enough.

695
00:35:32,215 --> 00:35:36,210
You then she wouldn't want to really
wear or use the gift because it wasn't

696
00:35:36,230 --> 00:35:39,950
anything that she needed or asked
for, but then she would continually

697
00:35:39,950 --> 00:35:41,510
be told how ungrateful she was.

698
00:35:42,010 --> 00:35:46,150
Then she ends the relationship and
now all of a sudden he, he saw her.

699
00:35:46,900 --> 00:35:50,060
And why was he withholding those
things in the relationship?

700
00:35:50,060 --> 00:35:53,280
So in that case, I think by intentionally
choosing these, what the inappropriate

701
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,480
gifts, he's setting up a scenario
where he can't actually lose.

702
00:35:56,950 --> 00:35:59,730
Because either he gets attention for his
efforts, or he gets to play the victim

703
00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:00,810
when the gifts aren't appreciated.

704
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:06,450
And then, what is so revealing here
is that previous behavior wasn't about

705
00:36:06,450 --> 00:36:08,700
an inability, but more about a choice.

706
00:36:09,100 --> 00:36:12,120
And maybe it was that he became more
focused when she said, I'm done.

707
00:36:12,940 --> 00:36:17,490
But at that point, they had had
decades before , why did it take

708
00:36:17,500 --> 00:36:19,860
that for him to finally say,
okay, okay, I'll pay attention.

709
00:36:19,860 --> 00:36:21,060
So, what have we learned today?

710
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:23,460
As I've listened or read these
holiday stories, something

711
00:36:23,460 --> 00:36:24,560
really fascinating stands out.

712
00:36:25,285 --> 00:36:28,415
That these moments that should be full
of joy and connection often become

713
00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:32,985
a spotlight of emotional immaturity
and showing how that shows up in, in

714
00:36:32,985 --> 00:36:34,515
a relationship or a family dynamic.

715
00:36:34,925 --> 00:36:37,545
So when you start to look at all these
stories put together, you really see

716
00:36:37,545 --> 00:36:39,085
some patterns that start to emerge.

717
00:36:39,605 --> 00:36:42,955
Because, and I think this is a
key, the holidays can have this

718
00:36:42,985 --> 00:36:45,285
way of taking whatever's already
happening in the relationship

719
00:36:45,685 --> 00:36:46,885
and then turning up the volume.

720
00:36:47,755 --> 00:36:51,285
A good friend of mine that did had
And then part of a business with for

721
00:36:51,285 --> 00:36:55,225
a long time, who was, had done very
well financially often said that people

722
00:36:55,225 --> 00:36:58,878
that,  had a lot of money, or they all
of a sudden got a lot of money, that it

723
00:36:58,878 --> 00:37:00,648
just made them more of what they were.

724
00:37:00,698 --> 00:37:02,688
And this person was probably
one of the most generous and

725
00:37:02,688 --> 00:37:03,778
kind people I've ever seen.

726
00:37:04,328 --> 00:37:05,698
And it just amped that up.

727
00:37:05,698 --> 00:37:09,518
And all of the examples that he had  I
can think of people where   money did

728
00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:11,218
make them more of whatever that they were.

729
00:37:11,238 --> 00:37:13,388
And that isn't always in a good way.

730
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:19,983
So I like that concept , of  the holidays
take emotional immaturity, and it amps

731
00:37:19,983 --> 00:37:22,483
it up in whatever that situation is.

732
00:37:22,493 --> 00:37:23,423
It turns that volume up.

733
00:37:23,953 --> 00:37:26,063
Because there's all this pressure
to create these, I don't want to

734
00:37:26,063 --> 00:37:29,243
say perfect moments, but really
powerful, good connecting moments.

735
00:37:30,133 --> 00:37:33,663
To give the right gifts, to be one big
happy family, and that pressure can

736
00:37:33,663 --> 00:37:35,563
create   the perfect emotional storm.

737
00:37:36,003 --> 00:37:38,553
It's like all of our deepest hopes
for feeling loved and appreciated

738
00:37:38,553 --> 00:37:41,523
and connected get pushed right to the
surface, and especially those of us

739
00:37:41,523 --> 00:37:44,683
who didn't necessarily have the most
positive holiday memories when we were

740
00:37:44,683 --> 00:37:48,523
younger, desperately want to create
those holiday memories when we're older.

741
00:37:48,633 --> 00:37:49,913
Maybe to our detriment.

742
00:37:50,533 --> 00:37:53,483
And I think as you saw in these stories,
there are some themes that just keep

743
00:37:53,483 --> 00:37:56,053
showing up over and over, because we
see how gifts become weapons instead

744
00:37:56,053 --> 00:37:59,443
of expressions of love, and we see
how these emotional outbursts that

745
00:37:59,453 --> 00:38:03,198
seem to happen at the most impactful
moments, When kids are around, family

746
00:38:03,198 --> 00:38:06,138
dynamics, family situations, and we
see how kids feelings get pulled into

747
00:38:06,138 --> 00:38:09,338
these adult dynamics, and kids start to
be the emotional support animal, they

748
00:38:09,338 --> 00:38:12,378
start to be literally in the middle
and you start to see this fascinating

749
00:38:12,378 --> 00:38:16,038
shift between a charming public face,
and then a very different private one.

750
00:38:16,088 --> 00:38:17,838
That is a lack of emotional consistency.

751
00:38:18,218 --> 00:38:21,088
So no wonder people start to feel
like they are walking on eggshells,

752
00:38:21,108 --> 00:38:23,578
because they truly don't know
which person am I going to get.

753
00:38:23,958 --> 00:38:26,618
The public persona, or the one
that's behind the scenes, because

754
00:38:26,618 --> 00:38:29,168
sometimes I'll get the public
one behind the scenes as well.

755
00:38:29,718 --> 00:38:33,738
But this shows us how emotional immaturity
operates when the stakes get higher,

756
00:38:33,878 --> 00:38:36,368
like during holidays when everybody's
emotions are already intensified.

757
00:38:36,938 --> 00:38:41,648
. And for those of you who listened today
and who recognize similar patterns

758
00:38:41,648 --> 00:38:44,508
in your own lives I think this is
where it does get really interesting.

759
00:38:45,293 --> 00:38:50,233
Because understanding these patterns,
it's it's not just about recognizing

760
00:38:50,233 --> 00:38:53,683
difficult situations, but it's about
understanding yourself and what is

761
00:38:53,683 --> 00:38:55,403
happening to you in these situations.

762
00:38:55,433 --> 00:38:58,220
It  eventually becomes all
about your own growth journey.

763
00:38:59,030 --> 00:39:00,670
Because you know how sometimes you
might be sitting there thinking,

764
00:39:00,670 --> 00:39:02,290
okay, am I crazy for feeling this way?

765
00:39:02,770 --> 00:39:04,410
Well, let me tell you
something very important.

766
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:05,020
You're not.

767
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:06,230
And your story matters.

768
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:09,610
And every feeling you have about these
situations, it is valid and it matters.

769
00:39:09,610 --> 00:39:09,702
Bye.

770
00:39:09,702 --> 00:39:09,793
Bye.

771
00:39:09,793 --> 00:39:09,885
Bye.

772
00:39:10,225 --> 00:39:12,425
And here's what I would like
to say is the exciting part.

773
00:39:12,455 --> 00:39:14,855
All this learning that you're doing,
even through all the tough things that

774
00:39:14,855 --> 00:39:16,885
you're going through, that matters.

775
00:39:17,065 --> 00:39:19,215
It is changing that implicit memory.

776
00:39:19,255 --> 00:39:21,925
It is becoming part of the slow
residue of your lived experience.

777
00:39:22,465 --> 00:39:25,385
Because when you start noticing that
something feels off during what should

778
00:39:25,395 --> 00:39:27,975
be a joyful moment, or when you get
that familiar knot in your stomach

779
00:39:27,975 --> 00:39:31,050
during holiday preparations, or when
It's not you being too sensitive.

780
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:34,560
That's actually your, your inner wisdom
talking to you, your inner child.

781
00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:37,880
It's like your emotional GPS saying,
Hey I think we're going the wrong way.

782
00:39:37,930 --> 00:39:38,990
Something's not quite right here.

783
00:39:39,580 --> 00:39:42,000
And it is completely okay
to feel everything you're

784
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,210
feeling about these situations.

785
00:39:43,620 --> 00:39:46,080
Some of those people think that they
should just get over it or move on

786
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:48,670
or they're being too sensitive, but
that is not how human emotions work.

787
00:39:49,260 --> 00:39:52,110
Maybe you feel angry when you remember
how your partner made the kids wait

788
00:39:52,110 --> 00:39:53,530
unnecessarily on Christmas morning.

789
00:39:53,540 --> 00:39:54,030
That anger.

790
00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:56,765
It's telling you something really
important about your values or what

791
00:39:56,765 --> 00:39:58,005
you believe your children deserve.

792
00:39:58,055 --> 00:40:01,555
It's trying to speak to you so
you can do something about it.

793
00:40:01,895 --> 00:40:04,735
Maybe not right now but just
start to be aware of it.

794
00:40:04,795 --> 00:40:05,495
Take that in.

795
00:40:05,885 --> 00:40:08,275
Or maybe you feel sad when you think
about all those Christmas cards you

796
00:40:08,295 --> 00:40:10,445
carefully prepared while being criticized.

797
00:40:10,455 --> 00:40:13,735
That sadness is showing you your
capacity for thoughtfulness and

798
00:40:13,735 --> 00:40:15,235
your desire for a real connection.

799
00:40:16,105 --> 00:40:18,825
You do not know what you
don't know until you know it.

800
00:40:19,825 --> 00:40:22,655
And I know that can sound like a riddle
or a tongue twister but when you really

801
00:40:22,705 --> 00:40:23,865
break it down, you think about it.

802
00:40:24,285 --> 00:40:27,485
Many of you are now just seeing
patterns that were always there, but

803
00:40:27,485 --> 00:40:30,645
you couldn't recognize them before, or
you tried to make it more about you.

804
00:40:30,665 --> 00:40:32,565
Why I hear so often, am I the narcissist?

805
00:40:33,415 --> 00:40:35,415
And if you're asking yourself
that, no, no, you're not.

806
00:40:35,525 --> 00:40:37,125
Because you're the one that
is asking yourself that.

807
00:40:37,125 --> 00:40:39,025
And you're the one that's listening
to this podcast and you've made

808
00:40:39,025 --> 00:40:40,505
it all the way to the end almost.

809
00:40:41,005 --> 00:40:43,775
And we still have this tendency to, if
I can make it about me, I can fix it.

810
00:40:44,090 --> 00:40:46,920
If it's not about me, then I
might have to set a boundary.

811
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:48,570
I might have to do something for me.

812
00:40:49,370 --> 00:40:52,480
And sometimes that recognition of
all of this really hurts, but it's

813
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:53,920
actually a sign that you are growing.

814
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:56,840
It's developing brand new
emotional muscles and man,

815
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:57,660
are they going to be sore?

816
00:40:58,550 --> 00:41:01,660
So looking ahead to future holidays, I
want you to really, really hear this.

817
00:41:01,670 --> 00:41:04,420
You have every right to create new
traditions that actually feel good.

818
00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:08,330
You can set boundaries that that protect
your joy, your happiness, and most

819
00:41:08,330 --> 00:41:11,710
importantly, you can experience genuine
celebration without walking on eggshells.

820
00:41:12,425 --> 00:41:14,875
Every time you notice these old patterns,
you're not just seeing problems.

821
00:41:14,875 --> 00:41:17,965
You're getting clearer about what
you want to create instead, because

822
00:41:17,965 --> 00:41:19,255
please remember you are not broken.

823
00:41:19,255 --> 00:41:21,465
You are human and humans are
messy and they're complicated and

824
00:41:21,465 --> 00:41:22,635
they're beautiful and their growth.

825
00:41:23,085 --> 00:41:25,165
And you are so not alone in this journey.

826
00:41:25,735 --> 00:41:29,255
This episode alone will reach a
hundred and something countries and be

827
00:41:29,255 --> 00:41:30,825
downloaded tens of thousands of times.

828
00:41:31,175 --> 00:41:33,805
It blows my mind to see those,
those numbers behind the scenes,

829
00:41:34,395 --> 00:41:37,735
because that's how many people are
resonating, especially with these

830
00:41:37,765 --> 00:41:39,415
ones that are about the thousand cuts.

831
00:41:39,728 --> 00:41:41,598
Let me say that again, because
I think it's so important.

832
00:41:41,868 --> 00:41:46,018
You are not alone in this and your
ability to recognize the patterns, to

833
00:41:46,018 --> 00:41:47,478
talk about them, to learn from them.

834
00:41:47,488 --> 00:41:50,298
That shows incredible resilience and sure.

835
00:41:50,588 --> 00:41:54,568
Well, we can accept that past holidays
probably weren't what you wanted or

836
00:41:54,608 --> 00:41:58,338
even deserved, but here's where things
start to get a little bit more exciting.

837
00:41:58,398 --> 00:42:00,158
Your future celebrations can be different.

838
00:42:00,738 --> 00:42:03,108
They can reflect your values,
your love, your understanding of

839
00:42:03,108 --> 00:42:04,228
what real connection looks like.

840
00:42:04,843 --> 00:42:07,363
Because you're not just surviving these
experiences, you are learning and you're

841
00:42:07,363 --> 00:42:08,813
growing and you're creating something new.

842
00:42:09,133 --> 00:42:11,393
And I will tell you what gets me
really excited, the fact that you're

843
00:42:11,393 --> 00:42:12,553
here and listening and learning.

844
00:42:12,893 --> 00:42:15,663
That shows courage because it takes a
lot of bravery to look at these patterns

845
00:42:15,663 --> 00:42:16,993
and say, I want something different.

846
00:42:17,393 --> 00:42:19,033
That's not just healing for
you, but now we're going to

847
00:42:19,043 --> 00:42:20,593
start to heal for generations.

848
00:42:21,428 --> 00:42:22,768
Now we're going to heal for our kids.

849
00:42:22,768 --> 00:42:26,318
We're going to show them a
model standing up for yourself.

850
00:42:26,358 --> 00:42:28,558
It doesn't have to be
very angry and dramatic.

851
00:42:29,298 --> 00:42:30,858
You can express yourself.

852
00:42:30,868 --> 00:42:34,088
You can do things because you want to do
them and they're the right things to do.

853
00:42:34,928 --> 00:42:38,098
So you're healing again, your kids,
maybe your future relationships or

854
00:42:38,098 --> 00:42:40,678
everybody who gets to witness your
journey toward emotional maturity,

855
00:42:40,788 --> 00:42:42,278
differentiation, authentic connection.

856
00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:43,207
I want you to remember this.

857
00:42:43,217 --> 00:42:45,307
You, you've got this, you really do.

858
00:42:45,337 --> 00:42:47,747
And you're not just walking this path
alone and every step you take toward

859
00:42:47,747 --> 00:42:51,827
understanding yourself and these patterns
as a step toward true, genuine joy and

860
00:42:51,827 --> 00:42:55,247
connection that you may not know what
that even looks like right now, but

861
00:42:55,247 --> 00:42:57,087
you deserve it and you can find it.

862
00:42:57,167 --> 00:43:00,810
And it is going to take time,  but
you're here  and wherever you're at on

863
00:43:00,810 --> 00:43:02,080
the path is right where you need to be.

864
00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:04,740
And I'm grateful to to
hopefully be guiding you a

865
00:43:04,740 --> 00:43:05,720
little bit along that journey.

866
00:43:05,735 --> 00:43:08,895
That is what this whole thing
is all about, not, maybe it's

867
00:43:08,905 --> 00:43:10,395
not all about the hokey pokey.

868
00:43:11,425 --> 00:43:13,885
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year,
Happy Holidays, and we will see you

869
00:43:13,895 --> 00:43:15,335
next time on Waking Up the Narcissim.