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This file was generated by Descript <www.descript.com>

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Hey everybody, welcome to
episode 433 of the Virtual Couch.

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I am your host, Tony Overbay.

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I'm a licensed marriage and
family therapist, and today

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I wanna start with a story.

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So we're gonna go back
in the time machine.

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I remember this from my very, very
early days as a junior therapist,

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as a therapist, trainee and intern.

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And this is one of those moments that
really stuck with me and I think it

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played more of a role of shaping how
I think about therapy some 20 years

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later than I initially thought it did.

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Caused me to have some early thoughts,
the big feelings around people's desires

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and dreams and, and the ever so delicate
balance or this dance between hope and

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reality, especially in your role as a
therapist, but I can only imagine somebody

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coming into a therapist trying to help.

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Lay all these things out in front
of somebody that feels a little

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bit awkward, maybe uncomfortable.

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And then now what do we do?

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Picture this, I'm at this training.

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I'm fresh out of graduate school.

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This is a change in my career.

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Now it's fully in place.

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I'm in my early thirties, just spent a
decade in the computer software industry.

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And now I think I finally maybe found,
found my place, found my calling and

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I'm excited, but I am still so new.

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I have no clue what I don't.

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I don't even know that I don't know
and I'm eager to just soak up all

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the wisdom that I can and I cannot
even remember the exact year.

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I wish I could track down the
therapist who led this training to

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test my memory, but his words left a
very strong impression that I still

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do believe I'm hearing them today.

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So we started with this question and
he asked the entire room of therapists.

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How many of you tell your clients
that you can truly be anything

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that you put your mind to?

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And I really.

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Remember, almost everybody's hand shot
up, including mine, of course, right?

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Because as therapists, you want to
empower people, you want to inspire

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them to reach for their dreams.

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You know, it's, it's basically
like in the job description and

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why you get into the business.

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And again, this is 20 years ago
where the stigma around mental

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health was still pretty heavy.

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So you just felt like,
man, I must deliver.

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This person does not have the internet.

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They do not have all the
places that they can go.

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This is up to me.

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So then he asked us to pause and He
said, give me a little bit of grace.

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And then he laid out a
very hypothetical scenario.

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He said, so imagine a guy
comes in to your office.

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He's in his mid sixties.

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He's struggling with his own mobility
and he has significant weight challenges.

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And he comes to you and said, I do
not want to leave this earth without

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achieving my dream of becoming the
oldest person ever to play in the

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National Basketball Association.

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And he's never even really played
organized basketball and doesn't really

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watch much basketball either, but he
really has just wanted to play in the

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NBA and the room  went quiet because
you could feel this this tension

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because it was such a powerful question.

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Do we as therapists say
you can absolutely do it?

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, you can do anything you put your mind
to because we want to support his

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dream, or do we feel like I must gently
guide him toward a place of acceptance,

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toward reframing his aspirations,
his hopes, and his dreams into

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something a little bit more realistic,
or actually a lot more realistic.

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And then, what actually followed was
One of the, I would almost say one of

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the most heated debates that I've ever
witnessed in a therapist training room.

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Because on one side, there were people
saying, well, who are we to tell

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somebody that their dream isn't valid?

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Maybe his goal isn't actually about
making it to the NBA, but it's about

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living with a passion and a purpose.

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And other people would argue, but
isn't part of your role as a therapist

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to help the client face reality.

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To protect him from the disappointment of
chasing something unattainable because we

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know what that's going to look like after
he recognizes that what was I thinking?

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And I can't even believe
that you didn't tell me this.

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You didn't call me out on
this when I brought it to you.

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And the moment stayed with
me for a couple of reasons.

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First, it was an early glimpse into
how nuanced I think therapy can be.

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What is my role to support or to
motivate or to hold accountable

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or to challenge or to question?

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And then what actually comes up for me?

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And wait, now I actually wanted to be
in the NBA too, but my subconscious

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will never allow this guy to achieve
that dream or that would mean that

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there's more that I could have done.

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Maybe I could have done
something like that too.

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But then in second, it really forced me to
think about that balance between fostering

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hope and helping clients explore their
dreams and what are their feelings that

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are underneath those dreams and, and where
are they coming from and what are their

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limitations and how can discovering those
actually be very beneficial and how can

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we eventually tie all this back to their
parents and, uh, and all of that with.

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With empathy and with compassion.

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So here we are 20 years later.

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And I still think about that
experience and all the fields

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that can come along with it.

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I can find myself getting
passionate about it right now.

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So today I want to explore how this
story ties into a broader conversation

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about self esteem versus self compassion.

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Something that I covered on here
a couple of weeks ago with my

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associates, Marla and Nate Christensen.

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I highly recommend that you
go find that, that episode.

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And this is all based around.

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Kristen Neff, who is a leading researcher
in self compassion has been writing about

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extensively for over the last two decades
because she explains that self esteem is

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often about comparing ourselves to others.

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That it's about feeling good enough,
or it's by believing that we are

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special, successful, or above average.

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But here's the catch though,
what she shows in her research

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is that not everybody can be
above average all the time.

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And she had some really funny stats
that she shared, and in her research she

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showed that 90 percent of people think
that they're better than average drivers.

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And I would definitely put myself in
that category, even, she said, those

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who have recently been in accidents.

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So self esteem can sometimes become this
fragile thing because it's dependent

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upon external validation and it's also
dependent upon things like comparisons and

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not to go off on too much of a tangent.

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I remember reading the book Radical
Acceptance, and there's a quote

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there by the author Tara Brock.

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And she brought this
thing up about comparison.

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And I thought it was really fascinating.

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She was talking about in a spiritual
context the concept around Buddhism.

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And she was saying that it offers this,
this challenge to a cultural worldview

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that , she references that the Buddha
taught that human birth is a precious

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gift because it gives us this opportunity
to, to realize the love and awareness

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that are part of our true nature.

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So she said, spiritual awakening
becomes this process of recognizing

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our essential goodness, our
natural wisdom, our compassion.

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She said in stark contrast to this
trust in our inherent worth is our

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culture's guiding myth, which is more
around the story of Adam and Eve and

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their exile from the garden of Eden.

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, we might forget its power because it
seems so worn and familiar, but  the

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story shapes and reflects this deep
psyche of the West, because this message

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of original sin or Kind of the what's
wrong with me story is, is unequivocal.

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Because of our basically flawed
nature, we don't deserve to be

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happy or loved by others or at ease
with life because we're outcasts.

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And if we are to reenter the garden,
we have to redeem our sinful selves

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and we have to overcome our flaws by
controlling our bodies, controlling

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our emotions, controlling our natural
surroundings, controlling other people,

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and therefore we must strive tirelessly.

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Working, acquiring, consuming,
achieving, emailing, overcommitting,

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and rushing, and this never ending quest
to prove ourselves once and for all.

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And I felt like that tied in a little
bit to Kristen Neff's research, where

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she's saying that this self esteem that
we constantly talk about, and that we

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want to develop, is maybe more fragile.

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And again, depending on external
validation and then comparisons,

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Because I think it's safe to say that
comparison can be a really, really

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dangerous thing, especially if you are
looking, let's take the social media

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example, which is the obvious one,
and I can look and see these ideal

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lives that other people are living.

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. It lowers my self esteem because I
feel like I am not living as good

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of a life as these other people.

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And so this comparison becomes if
I can look better and do more or

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do better than these people that I
can see, then maybe I'll be happy.

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Then maybe I'll have this self esteem.

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So if we go back to the guy in the
scenario that I laid out earlier,

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if his self esteem is wrapped up in
achieving something extraordinary,

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Playing in the NBA at the age of 60,
then it's easy to see how failure could

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actually start to lead to shame and
disappointment and feeling like he's not

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good enough and what's wrong with him.

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And I have had plenty of clients who
have continually felt like they needed

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to find that thing that made them.

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Special that allowed them to leave their
mark on the world to make them relevant.

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And this isn't to say that people
can't try to change the world, but

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I go back to this quote that Carl
Rogers, one of the most influential

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psychologists of the 20th century said,
which he calls the curious paradox.

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And that curious paradox is
that when I accept myself just

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as I am, then I can change.

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I think this is where self compassion
offers such a powerful alternative

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because self compassion isn't about being
the best or achieving a specific goal.

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It's about treating yourself with
kindness and acceptance, even.

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When you fail or fall short, and
it's about saying I am enough.

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I am worthy just as I am
imperfections and all and I know

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that this is absolutely a me thing.

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But if you are a listener of the virtual
couch, this might ring a bell, but I'm

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not even a big fan of the concepts of when
you fail or fall short or imperfections

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and all because this is the very first
time that you're going through life as

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you me as me period and what some might
view as my imperfections are things

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Called a bald and five foot eight or five,
seven without shoes or things like ADHD

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because they are, that's what they are.

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They just are.

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And that is where I believe self
compassion is an absolute key.

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And it leads to a far more connected
version of life, a connection to myself,

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to the present moment, to those around
me, because we're just being and doing.

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In this very moment, check that out.

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What's your experience?

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Let me share my experience with you

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because this is the way that we'll
find true connection, not wasting

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emotional time and calories and energy
wondering why, why am I not taller?

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Well, I guess at least I am
taller than that guy, so that

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makes me feel a lot better.

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Or why didn't I figure out certain
aspects of my own life sooner?

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Why did I wait so long
to get my ADHD diagnosis?

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And well, at least I did get it
sooner than this other person.

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And just giving myself grace and
compassion that I am actually figuring

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things out now, which means I could
quite possibly continue to figure out

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things about myself and others and
life as I continue moving forward.

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Now there, there's data to support
both sides of the debate on one hand,

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you can set big ambitious goals and
they can inspire action and they

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can give people a sense of purpose.

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We've got the new year coming
up and so many people are tied

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to New Year's resolutions.

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And if that works for
somebody, then that is amazing.

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And you go and you do.

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But there are also others that feel
like those concepts actually end

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up having more of a net negative
effect and make them feel worse.

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I do agree.

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Hope is a powerful motivator.

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Studies show that hope
can increase resilience.

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It can improve mental health.

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But on the other hand, unrealistic
goals can lead to things like

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burnout, frustration, a lot of shame.

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The I am broken.

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I am bad.

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What's wrong with me story.

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Because when people set themselves up for
what could be failure, it can actually

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harm their self esteem in the long run.

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Where does this leave us as therapists
or even just as people trying to

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support the dreams of those who
we care about or our own dreams?

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I think the answer really does lie
in value based goal setting something

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that we talk about a lot in therapy.

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What if the man's dream of playing the
NBA wasn't about basketball at all?

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What if it was about something
deeper value, like staying physically

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active or contributing to a team or
pushing himself to try new things?

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Because if we can help clients connect
with their underlying core values.

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Then I think we can guide them
toward goals that are both

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meaningful and achievable.

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But I go back to this concept
of radical acceptance which

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doesn't mean giving up on dreams.

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It means accepting the reality,
radically accepting the reality of

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where we are and  having this, this
trust that we're going to continue to

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move forward with hope, with intention.

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MBA career probably isn't likely.

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But embracing a new goal, maybe coaching
a youth basketball team, joining a rec

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league that might still align with his
values, or you can even look at it like

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it's good that he even came into therapy
and said, this is something that I'm

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exploring something that I want to do,
because now that he started to do now,

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he will find other things along that
path that might be of more value to him.

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But ultimately, I think the best work
that we can do is help people navigate

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this balance because we can validate
feelings, we can honor dreams, and still

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gently guide people toward goals that
will bring them joy and fulfillment.

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And I'm not  just talking to other
therapists, you are somebody that is

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really still stuck on the, I don't
even know what to do, then you're right

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in the, you're in the right place.

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Because now it's just time to start
doing you can have this dream.

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Check this out.

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I still want to play in the NBA.

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That's wild.

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Right.

00:12:36.341 --> 00:12:37.381
But what is that really about?

00:12:37.391 --> 00:12:38.101
What does it mean?

00:12:38.301 --> 00:12:42.221
Is that my own brain trying to wake
me up a little bit and say yeah,

00:12:42.221 --> 00:12:44.411
I'm trying all kinds of things here,
but they're not motivating you.

00:12:44.421 --> 00:12:45.851
So I'm thinking I'm going to go big.

00:12:45.901 --> 00:12:50.046
I'm going to throw the Hail Mary pass
because yeah, Validating your own

00:12:50.046 --> 00:12:53.736
feelings, honoring your own dreams,
you can still then gently guide them

00:12:53.736 --> 00:12:58.076
toward, toward goals that will bring you
some joy, some fulfillment, a purpose,

00:12:58.826 --> 00:13:02.666
because none of this, even for ourselves,
is about crushing somebody's hope.

00:13:02.866 --> 00:13:05.896
It's about creating a life that
feels rich and a life that feels

00:13:05.896 --> 00:13:07.296
meaningful no matter where they start.

00:13:08.086 --> 00:13:12.226
And I believe that job of a parent
is to be right there to provide the

00:13:12.226 --> 00:13:16.546
secure attachment, this home based
operate from so that as my kids want

00:13:16.546 --> 00:13:18.186
to do things, want to explore things.

00:13:18.186 --> 00:13:20.086
If I immediately say, I don't
think that's a good idea.

00:13:20.646 --> 00:13:21.486
That's pretty clear.

00:13:21.486 --> 00:13:22.296
That's a me issue.

00:13:22.556 --> 00:13:24.866
But why don't I first find out
what it is that they want to do.

00:13:25.376 --> 00:13:29.186
And one of the best things that you can
do is then say, how can I show up for you?

00:13:29.186 --> 00:13:30.136
How can I support you?

00:13:30.856 --> 00:13:31.246
Because.

00:13:31.626 --> 00:13:34.896
A lot of times that's maybe the
kid or, or somebody close to us, a

00:13:34.896 --> 00:13:38.306
friend, a spouse that they're just
trying to test the waters themselves.

00:13:38.916 --> 00:13:41.996
And if you then immediately say,
I don't think that's a good idea.

00:13:42.226 --> 00:13:43.196
I don't think you should do that.

00:13:43.856 --> 00:13:47.706
There's a story, a current story
with of my son that I think

00:13:47.706 --> 00:13:48.836
is a really fascinating one.

00:13:49.096 --> 00:13:51.046
He was playing college basketball.

00:13:51.046 --> 00:13:52.556
He decided he didn't want to play anymore.

00:13:52.886 --> 00:13:54.156
That was hard for me.

00:13:54.446 --> 00:13:56.896
I liked saying I had a son
playing college basketball.

00:13:57.326 --> 00:13:58.786
I already bought the t shirts.

00:13:58.786 --> 00:13:59.946
I was ready to go to the games.

00:14:00.206 --> 00:14:02.256
And then he said he
wants to be a pro golfer.

00:14:02.716 --> 00:14:06.606
And immediately my first thoughts
were Hey bud, you really haven't

00:14:06.606 --> 00:14:07.646
played a whole lot of golf.

00:14:07.866 --> 00:14:09.066
I don't think that's a good idea.

00:14:09.501 --> 00:14:10.641
But that's a me thing.

00:14:10.931 --> 00:14:11.901
I've never been him.

00:14:12.561 --> 00:14:15.831
So instead I was able to
say, tell me more about that.

00:14:15.831 --> 00:14:16.571
What does that look like?

00:14:16.571 --> 00:14:21.711
And just a couple of weeks ago, he
passed his PAT, this test to one of

00:14:21.751 --> 00:14:23.531
the big steps on becoming a pro golfer.

00:14:23.601 --> 00:14:26.741
That was a huge accomplishment and
it made me realize this thought

00:14:26.741 --> 00:14:31.271
I've had so often of don't be the
one that crushes one's dreams.

00:14:31.591 --> 00:14:34.591
But then , my , my next thought
is let life do that to them.

00:14:35.291 --> 00:14:38.471
But it's maybe a little tongue in
cheek, but in reality though, had I

00:14:38.497 --> 00:14:43.017
shut down his desire to become a pro
golfer,  Could he have gone the rest

00:14:43.017 --> 00:14:46.937
of his life thinking, man, I could have
been a pro golfer where instead that's

00:14:46.937 --> 00:14:48.327
easy for me to say, go for it, man.

00:14:48.397 --> 00:14:50.527
What can I do to help anything
I can do to support you?

00:14:51.037 --> 00:14:54.067
Because then a lot of times people start
down that path and then that's when

00:14:54.067 --> 00:14:55.517
they realize maybe this isn't for me.

00:14:55.867 --> 00:14:58.427
And I think that's more of what
life's about more of what a

00:14:58.437 --> 00:14:59.617
secure attachment looks like.

00:14:59.877 --> 00:15:00.927
Hey, I'm here right beside you.

00:15:00.927 --> 00:15:04.667
I'm offering you a home base that you
can operate from and you go and explore.

00:15:04.997 --> 00:15:08.717
Because  a lot of times  once that person
accepts that this is who they are, and

00:15:08.717 --> 00:15:12.217
this is something that they've always
wanted to do, and nobody's pushing back

00:15:12.217 --> 00:15:16.937
against that, then I think often they will
then see that either that is something

00:15:16.937 --> 00:15:19.927
that they really  want to do, or they'll
get into that position and say, Oh,

00:15:19.957 --> 00:15:23.087
okay, I always thought that this would be
different, but I feel safe enough now to

00:15:23.107 --> 00:15:25.767
admit that and move on to whatever's next.

00:15:25.877 --> 00:15:28.462
But Not long ago, I reached
out to some listeners.

00:15:28.922 --> 00:15:33.062
And I asked the question, what comes to
mind when you hear the words self esteem?

00:15:33.562 --> 00:15:35.782
And I thought the responses
were pretty interesting.

00:15:36.312 --> 00:15:39.562
One person said, self esteem is about
trying to feel good about yourself.

00:15:39.602 --> 00:15:42.402
, which can be really hard, especially
when I'm on social media, whenever

00:15:42.402 --> 00:15:45.142
I slowed my life down, because I
definitely don't want to be spending

00:15:45.142 --> 00:15:46.802
a lot of time with my own thoughts.

00:15:47.362 --> 00:15:48.662
Another person said, it's overrated.

00:15:48.682 --> 00:15:50.082
You can't always feel
great about yourself.

00:15:50.092 --> 00:15:50.652
And that's okay.

00:15:51.492 --> 00:15:53.162
Another person said self esteem.

00:15:53.182 --> 00:15:55.742
It's about how people see themselves,
but I think it causes problems

00:15:55.742 --> 00:15:56.952
because we compare too much.

00:15:57.642 --> 00:16:00.532
Another person said self esteem is
about feeling good about yourself

00:16:00.542 --> 00:16:03.502
when you're doing well, but it sure
doesn't help when you're struggling.

00:16:04.392 --> 00:16:07.502
And then another wrote in and said,
self esteem is about feeling good.

00:16:07.512 --> 00:16:10.392
And I don't know exactly where you're
going with the question, but if I'm

00:16:10.392 --> 00:16:13.372
being completely honest, it's pretty
easy when you're successful or when

00:16:13.372 --> 00:16:17.012
your hair looks good, sorry, Tony, and
your outfits clean and you slept well

00:16:17.012 --> 00:16:18.222
and things are going well in your life.

00:16:18.682 --> 00:16:21.772
But that also means that self esteem
can be fragile, which I'm guessing is

00:16:21.772 --> 00:16:22.822
where you're going to go with this.

00:16:23.214 --> 00:16:26.884
So I think it's safe to say that most
of us grew up learning about self

00:16:26.884 --> 00:16:30.034
esteem , , but now we're learning more
and more that self compassion,  might be

00:16:30.034 --> 00:16:31.994
the golden ticket or the secret sauce.

00:16:32.364 --> 00:16:35.304
And I want to beat this drum as
loudly as I can because it really

00:16:35.304 --> 00:16:39.184
adds another significant puzzle piece
to what I just like talking about

00:16:39.184 --> 00:16:40.974
so much on any and all podcasts.

00:16:41.484 --> 00:16:43.904
And that is some of the key points
of acceptance and commitment therapy,

00:16:43.904 --> 00:16:45.444
that you are the only version of you.

00:16:45.859 --> 00:16:47.799
That you think and feel the
way that you do because you do.

00:16:48.169 --> 00:16:50.809
And  let's get into the concept
of psychological reactance,

00:16:50.819 --> 00:16:54.029
which is that instant negative
reaction of being told what to do.

00:16:54.049 --> 00:16:56.729
Why you can't use thought suppression.

00:16:56.739 --> 00:16:58.779
You can't just stop
thinking about something.

00:16:58.779 --> 00:17:01.609
And I hear that so often in my office,
I just need to stop thinking about it.

00:17:02.079 --> 00:17:02.639
Good luck.

00:17:02.859 --> 00:17:06.539
Stop thinking about the turtle
right now wearing a top hat who's

00:17:06.539 --> 00:17:07.959
trying to cross a busy highway.

00:17:08.384 --> 00:17:12.764
I think we all just did it right then
and then think about how  that I just

00:17:12.764 --> 00:17:14.964
told you to think about it now You're
probably saying I will not think about

00:17:14.964 --> 00:17:20.124
it But I believe that plays into our
emotional immaturity because somebody

00:17:20.124 --> 00:17:24.424
might be telling us exactly What would
be beneficial for us and we we may even

00:17:24.424 --> 00:17:28.164
know that it would be beneficial for us
But the fact that somebody else is telling

00:17:28.164 --> 00:17:32.544
us what to do and when truly nobody else
knows exactly what it feels like to be

00:17:32.544 --> 00:17:36.144
You then that psychological reactance
kicks in and we suddenly sound like a

00:17:36.144 --> 00:17:39.004
little kid You know, I think it would be
really good for you to start saving money.

00:17:39.254 --> 00:17:39.764
I don't want to.

00:17:39.984 --> 00:17:40.534
That's dumb.

00:17:40.554 --> 00:17:41.144
You're dumb.

00:17:41.794 --> 00:17:45.294
And then maybe they leave and now
the inner child in us continues

00:17:45.294 --> 00:17:46.954
to be in charge, to have the mic.

00:17:47.224 --> 00:17:47.944
Everybody's dumb.

00:17:48.094 --> 00:17:48.744
Everybody's stupid.

00:17:48.744 --> 00:17:49.754
Nobody understands me.

00:17:50.094 --> 00:17:53.014
Which then can often lead to
the, what's wrong with me?

00:17:53.464 --> 00:17:54.264
I'm so broken.

00:17:54.274 --> 00:17:55.454
Or nobody cares about me.

00:17:55.914 --> 00:17:57.534
And , now we have to prove our worth.

00:17:57.564 --> 00:17:58.854
But what is our worth?

00:17:59.154 --> 00:18:02.454
Well, the immature way to go
about it is to play the, at least

00:18:02.454 --> 00:18:03.544
I'm better than that guy game.

00:18:03.824 --> 00:18:08.194
Because we're back to comparisons, rather
than, okay, give yourself some grace.

00:18:08.214 --> 00:18:09.194
Where's the compassion?

00:18:09.624 --> 00:18:12.674
And remember, when you were a
little kid, your emotions and

00:18:12.674 --> 00:18:14.144
your feelings, they were big.

00:18:14.514 --> 00:18:19.049
And when you tried to express them, most
likely you were told, to knock it off.

00:18:19.159 --> 00:18:20.049
It's not a big deal.

00:18:20.099 --> 00:18:20.759
Calm down.

00:18:20.809 --> 00:18:21.499
We don't do that.

00:18:21.509 --> 00:18:22.289
We don't say that.

00:18:22.589 --> 00:18:24.119
Well, what did you do to cause that?

00:18:24.509 --> 00:18:29.039
So over time we internalize those
emotions and we started learning that

00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:33.329
or believing this story that we were
too much and our feelings were too much.

00:18:33.329 --> 00:18:34.449
And what is wrong with me?

00:18:34.449 --> 00:18:35.729
And why do I have these feelings?

00:18:35.729 --> 00:18:39.589
Because I'm not being encouraged
to, to have them at all, but they

00:18:39.589 --> 00:18:41.849
were trying desperately to help you.

00:18:41.899 --> 00:18:45.259
Those feelings were those emotions because
you didn't have your big kid words.

00:18:45.524 --> 00:18:46.294
To express yourself.

00:18:46.294 --> 00:18:49.594
You didn't have your big kid body
to be able to jump in a car and go

00:18:49.594 --> 00:18:53.014
on a drive to cool off or to drive
to a gym or to go to a therapist.

00:18:53.014 --> 00:18:56.724
Your little kid body was saying,
okay, we'll remember these feelings

00:18:56.804 --> 00:18:58.584
and we will, we will imprint them.

00:18:58.594 --> 00:19:02.654
We will encode them on your heart,
in your head, in your gut, and then

00:19:02.684 --> 00:19:04.574
do me a solid little version of me.

00:19:04.964 --> 00:19:09.364
When you grow up and you're
big you go heal us and eat all

00:19:09.364 --> 00:19:10.294
the ice cream that you want.

00:19:10.634 --> 00:19:12.634
I mean, at least for a little
while, because ultimately

00:19:12.634 --> 00:19:14.024
nobody is going to do it for us.

00:19:14.529 --> 00:19:15.469
The healing part.

00:19:15.989 --> 00:19:17.329
But you'll do this for us, right?

00:19:18.009 --> 00:19:21.719
But then we grow up that adult
body and unfortunately we somewhere

00:19:21.719 --> 00:19:25.659
lost that memo and now our body is
saying, there, there's that feeling

00:19:25.659 --> 00:19:27.119
of not being enough, now go fix it.

00:19:27.419 --> 00:19:31.099
But instead of finding our own
purpose to fix it, so that we know

00:19:31.099 --> 00:19:34.859
that we're enough, enough for us,
we still respond very immaturely

00:19:34.909 --> 00:19:36.619
and we still say nobody likes me.

00:19:37.109 --> 00:19:40.109
Well, okay then, big version
of you, learn to like yourself.

00:19:40.409 --> 00:19:41.379
Nobody understands me.

00:19:41.729 --> 00:19:43.049
Okay, big version of you.

00:19:43.479 --> 00:19:44.949
Learn to understand yourself.

00:19:45.079 --> 00:19:46.229
What is your meaning?

00:19:46.229 --> 00:19:47.229
What is your purpose?

00:19:47.749 --> 00:19:51.559
What your body, what your emotions,
what your traumas, and what your fears,

00:19:51.559 --> 00:19:53.009
and what your dreams are all about.

00:19:53.349 --> 00:19:54.489
And figure yourself out.

00:19:55.109 --> 00:19:55.759
Because you can.

00:19:55.849 --> 00:19:56.389
You can do this.

00:19:56.399 --> 00:19:57.559
You are an adult now.

00:19:58.259 --> 00:20:02.049
So you could free yourself from all of
your childhood, your adolescent, your

00:20:02.059 --> 00:20:06.899
teen, your adult trauma, But what you
need now, and what you needed then,

00:20:07.469 --> 00:20:11.109
was compassion, grace, love, patience.

00:20:11.389 --> 00:20:14.419
The things that I would imagine
you'd tell a friend if they brought

00:20:14.439 --> 00:20:17.489
all of these challenges, these
issues, these problems to you.

00:20:18.099 --> 00:20:19.479
You have to love yourself.

00:20:20.029 --> 00:20:23.499
Okay, and if your inner child
just reactanced all over me

00:20:23.499 --> 00:20:25.389
right there, no, I don't want to.

00:20:25.439 --> 00:20:26.029
That's dumb.

00:20:26.089 --> 00:20:26.459
Okay?

00:20:26.699 --> 00:20:27.219
Take two.

00:20:27.594 --> 00:20:28.064
How about this?

00:20:28.854 --> 00:20:30.634
What would that look like if
you learned to love yourself?

00:20:30.884 --> 00:20:32.564
Can you imagine what that might feel like?

00:20:33.134 --> 00:20:36.424
So ideally, I would love for you to
just take me on your train of thought.

00:20:36.554 --> 00:20:37.314
Tell me your hopes.

00:20:37.344 --> 00:20:38.514
Tell me your dreams, your fears.

00:20:38.514 --> 00:20:39.564
Nothing is off limits.

00:20:39.884 --> 00:20:41.414
Nothing is gonna sound too crazy.

00:20:41.919 --> 00:20:44.009
Who did you think you would
be when you were a kid?

00:20:44.059 --> 00:20:44.959
What did you dream about?

00:20:45.369 --> 00:20:47.029
Because this is your journey.

00:20:47.129 --> 00:20:51.359
. It is time for you to liberate that
trapped inner child inside of you who

00:20:51.359 --> 00:20:56.249
really can't wait to spend some more time
with you and learn to discover and figure

00:20:56.249 --> 00:20:59.099
out and rule out all those things that
you thought about when you were a kid.

00:20:59.609 --> 00:21:00.879
Did you want to be an astronaut?

00:21:01.769 --> 00:21:02.809
I did, totally.

00:21:02.829 --> 00:21:04.009
Turns out you have to know math.

00:21:04.609 --> 00:21:06.039
And I'm not a big fan of math.

00:21:06.109 --> 00:21:08.279
But who knew it wasn't just about
floating around in space and

00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:12.049
bouncing around the moon and eating
tang flavored paste from a tube.

00:21:12.829 --> 00:21:14.259
I don't really want to
do that anymore either.

00:21:14.834 --> 00:21:17.454
Think about how often we judge
ourselves based on comparing ourselves

00:21:17.454 --> 00:21:20.814
to others or how we're constantly
trying to prove that we're good enough.

00:21:21.264 --> 00:21:25.674
And this is especially true when we
recognize our emotional immaturity.

00:21:26.184 --> 00:21:28.904
Because at that point, we really
are looking for external validation.

00:21:28.924 --> 00:21:30.814
And if we don't feel good about
ourselves, it really doesn't matter

00:21:30.814 --> 00:21:31.784
what somebody else is going to say.

00:21:31.834 --> 00:21:34.674
When we're looking for this external
validation, so often we're just trying

00:21:34.674 --> 00:21:36.254
to be above average at everything.

00:21:36.714 --> 00:21:39.984
Which, when you think about it,
again, not a big fan of math, but

00:21:40.054 --> 00:21:41.824
it's pretty mathematically impossible.

00:21:42.664 --> 00:21:43.614
But here's where it gets interesting.

00:21:43.624 --> 00:21:46.144
Just like we've talked about how you
don't know what you don't know, many

00:21:46.144 --> 00:21:49.584
of us don't realize that there are
other ways to relate to ourselves.

00:21:50.094 --> 00:21:51.554
Back to the topic of today.

00:21:51.964 --> 00:21:52.734
self compassion.

00:21:53.354 --> 00:21:55.924
Let me share a couple of examples
that I think show how this plays out.

00:21:56.374 --> 00:22:00.524
And I've had more than one client try
their hand at singing or even comedy at

00:22:00.524 --> 00:22:02.174
an open mic night or in a coffee shop.

00:22:02.554 --> 00:22:05.404
And Kristen Neff in one of her
research papers lays out this

00:22:05.404 --> 00:22:06.984
exact example so beautifully.

00:22:06.994 --> 00:22:10.554
And it is so true, but imagine
you're gathering your courage.

00:22:10.554 --> 00:22:13.324
You're going to perform at a local
coffee house and open mic, whatever

00:22:13.324 --> 00:22:16.894
that looks like, whatever you're
gonna perform, comedy, poetry, music,

00:22:17.274 --> 00:22:19.954
and you ask your friends and your
family or anybody who happened to.

00:22:20.639 --> 00:22:21.439
Come support you.

00:22:21.489 --> 00:22:22.689
And you asked him, , what'd you think?

00:22:23.509 --> 00:22:25.329
And somebody says, Hey, you were average.

00:22:26.119 --> 00:22:28.629
Now, if you were like most people,
the word average feels like a punch

00:22:28.629 --> 00:22:32.069
to your gut, but here's where we want
to pause and use this as our muse.

00:22:32.479 --> 00:22:34.389
What can this reaction
teach us about ourselves?

00:22:34.739 --> 00:22:37.859
Why does being average feel so
threatening to our sense of self?

00:22:38.759 --> 00:22:41.279
According to Kristen Neff, this
is where self compassion comes in.

00:22:41.769 --> 00:22:44.229
That instead of getting caught in
that childhood defense mechanism

00:22:44.229 --> 00:22:47.899
of shame, that, oh, I must be bad,
we're putting our self worth in the

00:22:47.899 --> 00:22:51.339
hands of others, self compassion
offers a completely different path.

00:22:51.509 --> 00:22:53.589
It's about treating ourselves
with kindness and recognizing

00:22:54.099 --> 00:22:57.499
our shared humanity and staying
mindful of our experiences without

00:22:57.499 --> 00:22:58.389
getting overwhelmed by them.

00:22:58.759 --> 00:23:00.349
Okay, the truth is, I probably was.

00:23:00.574 --> 00:23:03.654
Average, maybe I might even been a
little bit below average if I was brand

00:23:03.654 --> 00:23:07.544
new to this, but why would I think that
I was supposed to be so incredible?

00:23:07.544 --> 00:23:08.774
The very first time I tried something.

00:23:09.344 --> 00:23:10.234
I, because I am trying it.

00:23:10.244 --> 00:23:11.674
I'm not, I'm not going to be the best.

00:23:11.674 --> 00:23:15.064
It's part of growing and learning and
part of this human experience, because

00:23:15.064 --> 00:23:18.624
I love the idea that everything at the
end of the day, or actually during the

00:23:18.624 --> 00:23:22.254
day as well and at the beginning of
the day, all day long is a me thing.

00:23:22.324 --> 00:23:24.554
Why am I disappointed that
somebody else had an opinion

00:23:24.614 --> 00:23:25.864
that didn't make me feel better?

00:23:26.344 --> 00:23:28.774
Why do I want people around
me who will only tell me?

00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:30.059
The things that I want to hear.

00:23:30.069 --> 00:23:33.699
Well, I mean, actually it's easy because
it feels good to hear that I'm awesome at

00:23:33.699 --> 00:23:35.099
something that I haven't ever done before.

00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:37.739
So therefore let me surround
myself with people who will most

00:23:37.739 --> 00:23:38.849
likely tell me how great I am.

00:23:39.469 --> 00:23:41.419
If somebody doesn't agree with
the others, well, geez, okay.

00:23:41.419 --> 00:23:45.779
Who invited this person to Debbie Downer
to put a big wet blanket all over here?

00:23:45.779 --> 00:23:46.589
Who's this jerk.

00:23:46.589 --> 00:23:47.369
That's so rude.

00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:50.289
Now, somebody else tell me how good
I was at this thing that I'm not

00:23:50.289 --> 00:23:52.759
actually sure if I really want to do or
not, but I thought I'd give it a try.

00:23:52.979 --> 00:23:55.499
And most likely it's probably 10 times
harder than I ever thought it would be.

00:23:56.049 --> 00:23:58.149
I can't even come close to
anticipating how hard it would

00:23:58.159 --> 00:23:59.619
be when the nerves kicked in.

00:23:59.959 --> 00:24:02.329
Nobody told me that there would be people
who wouldn't even be paying attention.

00:24:02.329 --> 00:24:04.269
And actually nobody told me that
there would be so many people

00:24:04.719 --> 00:24:05.639
actually paying attention.

00:24:06.089 --> 00:24:09.319
So self compassion is what is necessary
in order to truly review the game

00:24:09.319 --> 00:24:13.484
film and to be willing to take chances
to know that I, I can be mediocre

00:24:13.874 --> 00:24:16.034
or average and actually that's okay.

00:24:16.584 --> 00:24:18.194
This is a very true confession coming.

00:24:18.244 --> 00:24:22.694
I remember I was dozens of
ultramarathons into my air quote,

00:24:23.004 --> 00:24:27.824
ultramarathon career when it hit me,
I had always said that, you know, I

00:24:27.824 --> 00:24:29.694
would have been six, six or taller.

00:24:30.304 --> 00:24:32.804
I would have been a pro basketball player
because I just loved the game so much.

00:24:32.804 --> 00:24:33.514
I wasn't bad.

00:24:33.524 --> 00:24:35.854
And I, but I just wasn't
gifted with the height.

00:24:36.849 --> 00:24:40.929
But then there I was, a mid packer
in the ultramarathon world, watching

00:24:40.929 --> 00:24:44.809
others, who turns out were my age and
older, starting to get sponsorship

00:24:44.809 --> 00:24:48.089
deals, starting to make money doing what
they loved, and, but I was different.

00:24:48.179 --> 00:24:48.969
I had four kids.

00:24:48.969 --> 00:24:49.639
I had a job.

00:24:50.279 --> 00:24:53.719
But hang on, the guy that just
won that last 50 miler has five

00:24:53.719 --> 00:24:55.769
kids, and he's a, an attorney.

00:24:56.229 --> 00:24:58.699
Oh yeah, but, uh, but still, he was
probably a runner in high school

00:24:58.699 --> 00:25:00.539
and in college, no, he was not.

00:25:00.669 --> 00:25:01.109
Okay.

00:25:01.509 --> 00:25:02.219
And then it hit me.

00:25:02.779 --> 00:25:08.629
I am a guy who enjoys running and I
was training about as hard as I think

00:25:08.629 --> 00:25:11.349
I could at that time and I did okay.

00:25:12.249 --> 00:25:12.899
That's about it.

00:25:13.609 --> 00:25:15.429
But I loved running.

00:25:15.569 --> 00:25:16.489
I loved ultra running.

00:25:17.099 --> 00:25:17.999
I had a great time.

00:25:18.059 --> 00:25:20.239
I was able to eventually accept that fact.

00:25:20.709 --> 00:25:23.359
And that acceptance didn't
then allow me to turn the

00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:24.749
corner and start winning races.

00:25:24.769 --> 00:25:28.079
No I actually went back and
looked at my ultra signup account

00:25:28.099 --> 00:25:28.999
and I was correct in that.

00:25:28.999 --> 00:25:32.679
I took a 20th overall one year
in the Lake Tahoe, 100 mile

00:25:32.679 --> 00:25:35.519
run, a brutal, beautiful race.

00:25:36.039 --> 00:25:39.589
But then I just saw that only
65 people actually finished.

00:25:39.949 --> 00:25:41.119
So that was okay.

00:25:41.744 --> 00:25:44.964
But definitely not as cool as
I made it sound a lot of times

00:25:44.964 --> 00:25:48.084
when I talked about top 20 finish
and this brutal 100 mile race.

00:25:48.774 --> 00:25:50.774
You know, I remembered one
particular year where I ran the

00:25:50.774 --> 00:25:52.294
American River 50 miler well.

00:25:52.444 --> 00:25:56.554
7 hours and 50 minutes, my very best
finish in the, I don't know, 7 or 8

00:25:56.554 --> 00:26:00.364
times that I ran this iconic race,
this American River 50 mile race.

00:26:00.814 --> 00:26:01.854
And that was decent.

00:26:01.934 --> 00:26:02.794
I looked that up too.

00:26:03.174 --> 00:26:06.574
I finished 51st out of 688 entrants.

00:26:06.654 --> 00:26:09.194
That one, I could even say,
alright, that sounds pretty good.

00:26:09.194 --> 00:26:12.594
You But the top 10 finishers all
beat me by over an hour and a half.

00:26:12.684 --> 00:26:14.874
And I was 11th in my age division.

00:26:15.274 --> 00:26:16.634
I was 42 at the time.

00:26:17.089 --> 00:26:18.099
So where am I going with this?

00:26:18.139 --> 00:26:21.309
For some reason, I was able to accept
mediocrity in my ultra running career

00:26:21.589 --> 00:26:25.759
much sooner than with other areas in my
life, but that actually made my running

00:26:25.759 --> 00:26:29.739
career in general far more enjoyable,
less stressful, and it didn't lead

00:26:29.749 --> 00:26:33.499
to me not trying or giving up, which
I think so often is the story that

00:26:33.499 --> 00:26:37.139
we tell ourselves about what might
happen if we don't try and become the

00:26:37.139 --> 00:26:39.809
most bestest specialist person ever.

00:26:40.314 --> 00:26:43.254
Which often then requires either
putting others down to get there.

00:26:43.264 --> 00:26:44.164
Man, I did really well.

00:26:44.164 --> 00:26:45.584
Do you see how poorly
those other guys did?

00:26:45.934 --> 00:26:49.164
Or, if I didn't finish well, it makes
it much harder for self acceptance.

00:26:49.414 --> 00:26:50.444
Here comes excuses.

00:26:50.544 --> 00:26:53.064
Well, it must have been because if
everybody in the family didn't spend

00:26:53.064 --> 00:26:55.344
so much money, then I wouldn't have to
work so much, and I'd have more time

00:26:55.344 --> 00:26:57.074
to train, and I would have done better.

00:26:57.074 --> 00:26:58.814
So therefore, it is all your fault.

00:26:59.024 --> 00:27:02.454
And had you guys all not been so needy and
demanding, then I probably could have been

00:27:02.454 --> 00:27:03.984
one of the greatest ultra runners ever.

00:27:04.014 --> 00:27:07.864
But I guess that isn't the case, and
admittedly, self compassion makes

00:27:07.864 --> 00:27:09.264
stories a little less exciting.

00:27:09.659 --> 00:27:12.319
Honestly   let's talk about the
two versions of this Lake Tahoe,

00:27:12.349 --> 00:27:14.039
a hundred mile race story then.

00:27:14.099 --> 00:27:14.459
Okay.

00:27:14.519 --> 00:27:15.189
Here's the first one.

00:27:15.679 --> 00:27:18.559
Oh man, Lake, Lake Tahoe, a hundred
miler, one of the hardest, most

00:27:18.559 --> 00:27:19.589
difficult races you'll ever do.

00:27:19.619 --> 00:27:22.199
Hundreds of people are out
there, hundreds of them on the

00:27:22.199 --> 00:27:23.419
course, the elevation brutal.

00:27:23.849 --> 00:27:27.059
You really do climb to almost 10,
000 feet and the up and down wreaks

00:27:27.059 --> 00:27:30.499
havocs on your legs, but I'll tell
you something one year I finished 20th

00:27:30.539 --> 00:27:31.709
and that was under brutal conditions.

00:27:31.709 --> 00:27:33.679
I mean, top 20 in a race like that.

00:27:34.209 --> 00:27:36.239
I don't even know how many
people have finished, but one

00:27:36.239 --> 00:27:37.259
of the best races of my life.

00:27:37.339 --> 00:27:41.569
And honestly, I could have even done
better had I not had to deal with a lot

00:27:41.569 --> 00:27:44.249
of family drama at the time and been
able to train more, but you know, wife

00:27:44.249 --> 00:27:51.379
and kids, they are demanding seriously
versus Lake Tahoe 100 miler is definitely

00:27:51.379 --> 00:27:52.979
one of the hardest races I've run.

00:27:53.009 --> 00:27:56.239
Well, especially because I
made a tremendous amount of

00:27:56.239 --> 00:27:58.969
excuses in my training, if you
even want to call it training.

00:27:59.439 --> 00:28:03.764
Forgoing anything that would have
even remotely, Help me understand what

00:28:03.774 --> 00:28:09.224
three miles of downhill without a break
at all would feel like on my quads.

00:28:09.224 --> 00:28:13.424
Oh, and there are places within 10 miles
from my very house where I could have

00:28:13.474 --> 00:28:17.334
simulated that three mile downhill,
but but I would just wake up a little

00:28:17.334 --> 00:28:20.634
bit extra sleepy on Saturdays and
then just do my long runs around my

00:28:20.634 --> 00:28:23.424
house where it's, no elevation change.

00:28:23.904 --> 00:28:26.714
And I told myself that I'd start eating
better several months before the race.

00:28:26.744 --> 00:28:27.614
But yeah, right.

00:28:27.674 --> 00:28:29.934
I actually used the fact that I
was training for an ultra marathon

00:28:30.184 --> 00:28:33.324
to eat any and everything I could,
which did not help me on race day.

00:28:33.374 --> 00:28:36.734
I can assure you every pound that you're
carrying is something I've heard, like

00:28:36.734 --> 00:28:38.324
four additional pounds to your joints.

00:28:38.334 --> 00:28:39.144
So I was feeling it.

00:28:39.414 --> 00:28:42.664
And speaking of feeling it once again,
when the starting gun went off, I

00:28:42.664 --> 00:28:46.184
took off like I was an elite thinking,
wait, What if today I could uncork

00:28:46.184 --> 00:28:49.454
a legendary performance and I could
actually finish in a top 10 or something

00:28:49.714 --> 00:28:54.194
only to feel like I was dying when I
felt my heart pumping out of my ear

00:28:54.194 --> 00:28:57.094
holes on the very first significant
climb when I also remembered, oh yeah,

00:28:57.104 --> 00:28:59.034
altitude, but I slogged through it.

00:28:59.084 --> 00:29:02.494
I finished in 20th place and
then looked up afterward.

00:29:02.504 --> 00:29:05.704
There were only 65 people who
finished total out of maybe 130

00:29:05.704 --> 00:29:09.215
that started, but it took me a few
hours longer than I anticipated.

00:29:09.505 --> 00:29:12.375
Now that does not sound as cool as
the first one, but it's true, and it

00:29:12.375 --> 00:29:16.965
is full of self compassion, because
I was just having a human experience.

00:29:17.905 --> 00:29:18.955
So back to the me things.

00:29:19.255 --> 00:29:23.115
Self compassion, I think, is the ultimate
me thing, because it's about how we relate

00:29:23.115 --> 00:29:25.905
to ourselves in those moments when we
feel inadequate or we feel imperfect.

00:29:26.355 --> 00:29:29.015
But unlike self esteem, which
often requires us to feel special

00:29:29.015 --> 00:29:31.505
or above average, self compassion
is about acknowledging that

00:29:31.515 --> 00:29:32.450
being human means being yourself.

00:29:32.590 --> 00:29:33.260
being imperfect.

00:29:33.890 --> 00:29:37.370
And that's true for every unique
version of us with all of our

00:29:37.370 --> 00:29:39.930
nature and nurtured all the
attachment wounds, life experiences.

00:29:40.280 --> 00:29:43.090
And if I go back to the research
from Kristen Neff, it is fascinating

00:29:43.110 --> 00:29:44.190
and honestly kind of funny.

00:29:44.200 --> 00:29:47.850
Again, 90 percent of drivers think that
they are above average, even people

00:29:47.850 --> 00:29:48.940
who have recently caused accidents.

00:29:48.950 --> 00:29:50.930
So this is not just about driving though.

00:29:51.150 --> 00:29:54.030
It shows how we're all trying so
hard to maintain the sense of being

00:29:54.040 --> 00:29:56.120
special, even when it defies logic.

00:29:56.590 --> 00:29:58.920
It's like, we're all playing this
impossible game where everybody

00:29:58.920 --> 00:30:01.560
has to be above average all the
time to feel okay about themselves.

00:30:02.065 --> 00:30:05.355
So these concepts that Kristen Neff
shared, self kindness versus self

00:30:05.355 --> 00:30:09.965
judgment, what she said was that self
kindness means taking a benevolent and

00:30:09.965 --> 00:30:12.695
supportive attitude toward ourselves
instead of being harshly critical.

00:30:13.035 --> 00:30:17.605
And it involves actively showing
concern for our own distress and trying

00:30:17.605 --> 00:30:21.485
to ease our discomfort, not because
we're inadequate, but because we care.

00:30:21.545 --> 00:30:22.395
We care about ourselves.

00:30:22.395 --> 00:30:24.285
It means being emotionally
available to ourselves.

00:30:24.790 --> 00:30:27.690
during difficult times and
responding with warmth just as

00:30:27.690 --> 00:30:29.380
we would to a friend in need.

00:30:29.700 --> 00:30:31.590
Because think about how you
would treat that best friend when

00:30:31.590 --> 00:30:32.590
they're having a really rough day.

00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:34.450
Hopefully, you speak to them kindly.

00:30:34.460 --> 00:30:36.830
You try to comfort them and show
that you care about their feelings.

00:30:37.160 --> 00:30:40.180
But when we mess up or we face challenges
ourselves, we often do the opposite.

00:30:40.190 --> 00:30:42.200
We might call ourselves
stupid or worthless or tell

00:30:42.200 --> 00:30:43.580
ourselves, just get over it.

00:30:44.210 --> 00:30:47.510
Self kindness is about treating ourself
with the same care and understanding

00:30:47.510 --> 00:30:48.500
we would show a good friend.

00:30:48.850 --> 00:30:51.330
It's like being your own supportive
best friend instead of your harshest

00:30:51.330 --> 00:30:54.160
critic because that is not what
is going to motivate you in the

00:30:54.160 --> 00:30:55.620
way that you believe that it will.

00:30:55.670 --> 00:30:58.910
Imagine you fail at an important
test despite you studied really hard.

00:30:59.460 --> 00:31:01.800
A self judgmental response
would be, I am such an idiot.

00:31:01.940 --> 00:31:02.750
I'll never be good enough.

00:31:03.080 --> 00:31:06.330
I should just give up a self
kindness response would be all right.

00:31:06.340 --> 00:31:09.710
That was disappointing and it is okay
to feel sad about it because testing

00:31:09.710 --> 00:31:11.180
is stressful and I did my best.

00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:13.760
Maybe I can talk to my teacher
about what I can do differently next

00:31:13.760 --> 00:31:17.250
time or I can find a study buddy
to help me prepare better or I have

00:31:17.250 --> 00:31:18.390
to own the fact that you know what?

00:31:18.420 --> 00:31:20.580
I actually did not study as
much as I thought I would.

00:31:20.686 --> 00:31:23.386
She also talks about common
humanity versus isolation.

00:31:23.926 --> 00:31:27.076
Kristin Neff says common humanity
means recognizing that life challenges

00:31:27.096 --> 00:31:28.646
are just a part of being human.

00:31:28.694 --> 00:31:30.244
They are an experience that we all share.

00:31:30.254 --> 00:31:32.824
Now, when we struggle, we
tend to irrationally feel like

00:31:32.824 --> 00:31:35.354
everybody else is fine, and we're
the only ones having problems.

00:31:35.374 --> 00:31:37.614
I hear that in my office,
honestly, on a daily basis.

00:31:37.649 --> 00:31:39.499
That I'm the only one that is
going through these things.

00:31:39.569 --> 00:31:42.403
So part of that, what I
enjoy doing, is normalizing.

00:31:42.663 --> 00:31:45.503
Not trying dismiss somebody's
problems, but to say, And that is

00:31:45.503 --> 00:31:48.183
something that I heard often, maybe
even a couple of times already today.

00:31:48.384 --> 00:31:52.264
But when we think that we are the only
ones having problems, it creates almost

00:31:52.264 --> 00:31:56.404
this frightening sense of disconnection
that makes our suffering feel much worse.

00:31:56.904 --> 00:32:00.274
So understanding common humanity helps
us feel connected rather than alone

00:32:00.274 --> 00:32:03.054
in our struggles because we're all
going through life for the very first

00:32:03.054 --> 00:32:05.824
time and life is lifing all over us.

00:32:06.374 --> 00:32:08.984
I was going to say, have you ever
scrolled through social media, but

00:32:08.984 --> 00:32:12.154
think about when you have scrolled
through social media and felt like

00:32:12.154 --> 00:32:14.824
everybody else has their life perfectly
together while you are struggling.

00:32:15.254 --> 00:32:18.664
There's a version of that isolation,
but the truth is everyone.

00:32:18.764 --> 00:32:21.314
And I mean, everyone, even those
people with the perfect looking

00:32:21.314 --> 00:32:23.614
Instagram feeds, they face challenges.

00:32:23.754 --> 00:32:24.594
They make mistakes.

00:32:24.634 --> 00:32:25.354
They feel inadequate.

00:32:25.354 --> 00:32:29.444
Sometimes I talk to captains of
industry, professionals, politicians,

00:32:29.474 --> 00:32:31.114
entertainers, you name it.

00:32:31.464 --> 00:32:34.114
And they are all going through things.

00:32:34.659 --> 00:32:38.509
Common humanity is about remembering that
struggling is not a personal failure.

00:32:38.509 --> 00:32:39.759
It's just part of being human.

00:32:40.159 --> 00:32:42.879
It's like realizing that we are
all in this together, even when our

00:32:42.879 --> 00:32:44.249
specific challenges are different.

00:32:44.699 --> 00:32:49.089
But you would even be surprised to often
find out that a lot of the struggles

00:32:49.089 --> 00:32:50.389
that we're going through are similar.

00:32:51.279 --> 00:32:54.059
It's one of the greatest reasons
to have things like support groups,

00:32:54.079 --> 00:32:58.139
because people feel a tremendous sense
of, of relief when there's community

00:32:58.259 --> 00:32:59.949
around, especially a challenge.

00:33:00.659 --> 00:33:02.329
So let's say you're
going through a breakup.

00:33:02.884 --> 00:33:05.494
The isolation response would
be, nobody understands what I'm

00:33:05.494 --> 00:33:08.244
going through, everybody else has
perfect relationships, and I'm the

00:33:08.244 --> 00:33:09.294
only one who can't make it work.

00:33:09.794 --> 00:33:12.594
A common humanity response would be
heartbreak is something that almost

00:33:12.594 --> 00:33:13.944
everyone experiences at some point.

00:33:13.964 --> 00:33:17.094
Millions of people have felt this
way before me, and millions will feel

00:33:17.094 --> 00:33:18.574
this way after me, and it's painful.

00:33:18.594 --> 00:33:19.114
It is.

00:33:19.184 --> 00:33:22.624
And that is okay for me to feel that
pain, but it's also a normal part

00:33:22.624 --> 00:33:24.124
of the human experience of love.

00:33:25.024 --> 00:33:25.974
And then Kristen F.

00:33:25.974 --> 00:33:28.814
also talks about mindfulness
versus over identification.

00:33:28.854 --> 00:33:31.824
So, her concept of this is that
mindfulness involves maintaining balanced

00:33:31.834 --> 00:33:36.266
awareness that neither avoids Nor
exaggerates our present moment experience

00:33:36.606 --> 00:33:41.636
without acknowledging our pain because
we can't show ourselves compassion

00:33:41.636 --> 00:33:46.886
unless we're willing to acknowledge that
I am feeling pain in this very moment.

00:33:47.636 --> 00:33:50.636
But if we become overly identified
with the negative thoughts and

00:33:50.636 --> 00:33:53.246
those negative feelings, we do
start to lose this perspective

00:33:53.276 --> 00:33:54.816
that we need to care for ourselves.

00:33:55.396 --> 00:33:59.416
So mindfulness, being mindful, learning
to, to change our relationship with

00:33:59.416 --> 00:34:02.396
our thoughts and our feelings and
emotions and recognize them because

00:34:02.396 --> 00:34:03.406
they are going to tell us something.

00:34:03.886 --> 00:34:06.366
But that mindfulness concept helps
us recognize that our negative

00:34:06.366 --> 00:34:07.806
thoughts and feelings are just that.

00:34:07.816 --> 00:34:09.136
They are thoughts and they are feelings.

00:34:09.136 --> 00:34:10.376
They're not a permanent reality.

00:34:10.886 --> 00:34:15.286
, imagine your emotions are like these
weather patterns over identification.

00:34:15.286 --> 00:34:17.776
It's like thinking that a storm will
last forever while avoiding your

00:34:17.776 --> 00:34:20.066
feelings is like pretending that
the storm isn't happening at all.

00:34:20.816 --> 00:34:23.096
So mindfulness is the middle path.

00:34:23.156 --> 00:34:25.906
It is about acknowledging that
the storm is happening right now.

00:34:25.906 --> 00:34:28.596
I can notice it, I can feel
it, I can smell it, but

00:34:28.596 --> 00:34:29.866
remembering that it will pass.

00:34:30.546 --> 00:34:33.526
It's about being very observant of your
thoughts and your feelings and your

00:34:33.526 --> 00:34:36.756
emotions and your sensations without
just getting completely swept away

00:34:36.756 --> 00:34:38.536
by them or trying to push them aside.

00:34:39.496 --> 00:34:42.996
So let's say that you make an embarrassing
mistake during a presentation,

00:34:43.156 --> 00:34:44.756
whether it's at work, school.

00:34:45.126 --> 00:34:47.426
Over identification would
be, I am a complete failure.

00:34:47.426 --> 00:34:48.116
My life is ruined.

00:34:48.126 --> 00:34:49.786
Everybody will remember this
forever, and I will never

00:34:49.786 --> 00:34:50.846
recover from this humiliation.

00:34:51.476 --> 00:34:53.746
Avoidance would be, that's
fine, whatever, I don't care.

00:34:53.786 --> 00:34:54.776
I don't care what anybody thinks.

00:34:55.236 --> 00:34:58.826
A more mindful response would be, okay, I
am noticing that I am feeling embarrassed

00:34:58.826 --> 00:35:00.046
right now, and that's understandable.

00:35:01.206 --> 00:35:04.356
Thank you brain for pointing this out
to me because I'm going to let this in.

00:35:04.696 --> 00:35:06.366
These feelings may even feel intense.

00:35:06.386 --> 00:35:07.166
Where do I feel them?

00:35:07.426 --> 00:35:08.156
Are they in my chest?

00:35:08.156 --> 00:35:08.826
Are they in my stomach?

00:35:08.826 --> 00:35:09.476
How big are they?

00:35:10.056 --> 00:35:10.666
Are they sharp?

00:35:10.756 --> 00:35:11.416
Are they dull?

00:35:11.456 --> 00:35:15.106
Is it just this constant feeling, but
I know that they won't last forever.

00:35:15.266 --> 00:35:18.836
This is one moment in my life,
not a definition of who I am.

00:35:19.386 --> 00:35:23.996
Let me share a very real example that
just happened for me just this week

00:35:24.066 --> 00:35:27.116
I had a situation with my podcast,
waking up the narcissism that tested

00:35:27.116 --> 00:35:28.686
my ability to practice self compassion.

00:35:29.051 --> 00:35:29.611
Boy, did it.

00:35:30.151 --> 00:35:33.491
I'd released the eighth episode in a
series called Death by a Thousand Cuts,

00:35:33.491 --> 00:35:37.201
where listeners share their stories about
the seemingly small but deeply damaging

00:35:37.201 --> 00:35:38.901
moments and unhealthy relationships.

00:35:39.331 --> 00:35:43.681
And this Death by a Thousand Cuts series
explores how these minor incidents, which

00:35:43.761 --> 00:35:46.411
a lot of people will dismiss if they're
not in these types of relationships,

00:35:47.001 --> 00:35:50.001
can gradually erode somebody's whole
sense of self, especially when they

00:35:50.001 --> 00:35:54.111
occur over and over and over again
without accountability on the part of

00:35:54.111 --> 00:35:56.061
the person that is inflicting these cuts.

00:35:56.886 --> 00:35:59.596
After releasing the episode, a
couple of listeners reached out

00:35:59.616 --> 00:36:03.426
about audio gaps and some odd
pauses and things in the recording.

00:36:04.326 --> 00:36:06.696
Took me a day or two because it was
Thanksgiving, and then I checked,

00:36:06.746 --> 00:36:10.126
and I discovered I had accidentally
uploaded an unedited version full of

00:36:10.126 --> 00:36:13.126
stops and starts, content that was meant
to be cleaned up in post production.

00:36:13.586 --> 00:36:17.236
And this created a perfect storm of
emotions and an opportunity to observe

00:36:17.246 --> 00:36:21.796
how different mindsets from harsh self
criticism to avoidance to mindful self

00:36:21.796 --> 00:36:23.896
compassion, might handle such a situation.

00:36:24.196 --> 00:36:26.726
Why don't I break these down for you
and three different approaches and

00:36:26.726 --> 00:36:29.486
how they might have played out in the
scenario and then share what I did

00:36:30.596 --> 00:36:32.776
over identification that response.

00:36:32.876 --> 00:36:34.036
I'm a complete fraud.

00:36:34.066 --> 00:36:35.336
Everybody's gonna now know it.

00:36:35.456 --> 00:36:38.056
I built this whole podcast around
helping people heal from narcissistic

00:36:38.056 --> 00:36:40.366
relationships, and I can't even
edit my own audio properly.

00:36:40.786 --> 00:36:42.986
All those people who trusted
me, they shared their stories.

00:36:42.986 --> 00:36:46.416
They're gonna feel betrayed when they
realize I am not professional enough to

00:36:46.426 --> 00:36:47.996
even check my own work before publishing.

00:36:48.376 --> 00:36:50.366
This proves that I have no
business doing this podcast.

00:36:50.396 --> 00:36:52.146
It took 600 and.

00:36:52.536 --> 00:36:53.546
something episodes.

00:36:53.976 --> 00:36:56.406
But I finally showed everybody
what an amateur I really am.

00:36:56.486 --> 00:36:58.516
Those people who wrote in about
the audio gaps probably told

00:36:58.516 --> 00:36:59.576
everybody else not to listen.

00:36:59.866 --> 00:37:02.026
All that work building
credibility is absolutely ruined.

00:37:02.356 --> 00:37:05.546
Maybe this is a sign I should
quit and never do podcasts again.

00:37:05.636 --> 00:37:07.456
And I don't want to be
embarrassed like this.

00:37:08.356 --> 00:37:10.846
That, that is a very real
version of a response.

00:37:11.476 --> 00:37:14.236
The avoidance response,
whatever it's audio gaps.

00:37:14.326 --> 00:37:15.596
Most people probably didn't even notice.

00:37:15.596 --> 00:37:18.246
And those few people who
complained, they're being nitpicky.

00:37:18.306 --> 00:37:19.516
I mean, I'm doing this for free.

00:37:19.536 --> 00:37:20.506
I'm putting out tons of content.

00:37:20.506 --> 00:37:23.766
If they want perfect audio, they
can go pay for premium podcasts.

00:37:23.776 --> 00:37:24.716
Everybody makes mistakes.

00:37:25.026 --> 00:37:25.836
It's not a big deal.

00:37:25.876 --> 00:37:28.886
Can you believe that people wrote
in okay, just, okay, I get it.

00:37:28.926 --> 00:37:30.096
You're you pointed something out.

00:37:30.576 --> 00:37:32.936
Not even going to check the audio because
they're probably exaggerating anyway.

00:37:32.936 --> 00:37:34.646
If people don't like it, how
about they start their own

00:37:34.656 --> 00:37:35.856
podcast and see how hard it is.

00:37:36.756 --> 00:37:38.886
Okay, that one doesn't, that
one doesn't feel very good.

00:37:39.436 --> 00:37:44.076
And then the mindful response, which
is the way I tried to handle this.

00:37:44.256 --> 00:37:47.616
I am feeling really embarrassed right
now about missing those editing gaps.

00:37:47.636 --> 00:37:51.396
And that's understandable because I
care a lot about providing quality

00:37:51.396 --> 00:37:52.986
content for my listeners free or not.

00:37:53.476 --> 00:37:55.746
Especially given the sensitive
nature of what they share with me.

00:37:56.236 --> 00:37:59.236
So these feelings of shame though,
they're trying to creep in, but

00:37:59.236 --> 00:38:01.906
I recognize that making a mistake
does not make me an imposter.

00:38:02.336 --> 00:38:04.866
I'm choosing to view this as an
opportunity to demonstrate the very

00:38:04.866 --> 00:38:08.656
principles I talk about, acknowledging
mistakes, taking responsibility,

00:38:08.706 --> 00:38:09.736
taking corrective action.

00:38:10.086 --> 00:38:12.786
I really sincerely appreciate the
listeners who brought this to my

00:38:12.786 --> 00:38:15.456
attention because it shows they care
enough about the podcast to speak up.

00:38:15.966 --> 00:38:19.176
And I can feel anxious about the
technical issues and replace the

00:38:19.176 --> 00:38:22.996
file while still staying focused on
solving the problem step by step.

00:38:23.481 --> 00:38:26.841
One episode out of over 600 and
how I handle this matters more

00:38:26.841 --> 00:38:27.831
than the fact that it happened.

00:38:28.581 --> 00:38:31.401
Because hopefully that response
shows all three elements of

00:38:31.401 --> 00:38:32.691
self compassion, self kindness.

00:38:32.791 --> 00:38:35.461
I'm going to acknowledge my
embarrassment without beating myself up.

00:38:35.501 --> 00:38:37.281
I am noticing I want to beat myself up.

00:38:37.881 --> 00:38:40.391
Then we have her, Kirsten Neff's
concept of common humanity.

00:38:40.441 --> 00:38:43.411
I'm recognizing the technical
issues and mistakes.

00:38:43.901 --> 00:38:47.121
Most likely happened to all content
creators at some point and then

00:38:47.121 --> 00:38:49.891
mindfulness, trying to stay present
with the uncomfortable feelings

00:38:50.221 --> 00:38:53.701
while doing everything I can to take
practical steps to fix the situation.

00:38:54.421 --> 00:38:59.091
So I did, I did fix the situation
and you can find that now on the

00:38:59.091 --> 00:39:00.761
waking up to narcissism podcast.

00:39:00.761 --> 00:39:04.011
And I even added some bonus content
in the front of that episode.

00:39:04.131 --> 00:39:07.861
So if if you're listening, do me a
favor, go listen to that episode.

00:39:07.981 --> 00:39:10.261
I think the, there were a lot
of downloads that happened

00:39:10.261 --> 00:39:11.661
with that, the bad file first.

00:39:12.561 --> 00:39:16.291
So self compassion doesn't
mean avoiding responsibility.

00:39:16.411 --> 00:39:19.271
It actually means taking responsibility,
but maintaining a balanced kind

00:39:19.271 --> 00:39:20.321
perspective towards yourself.

00:39:21.231 --> 00:39:24.551
I want to wrap things up today with the
wisdom of somebody that I think about

00:39:24.551 --> 00:39:28.221
often, but I don't talk about as much
on podcasts, but that's Victor Frankel.

00:39:28.381 --> 00:39:30.001
And you may be familiar with the name.

00:39:30.311 --> 00:39:33.231
He's also the author of a book
called man's search for meaning.

00:39:33.731 --> 00:39:37.291
And Frankel was an Austrian
psychiatrist and he survived multiple.

00:39:37.871 --> 00:39:40.381
And he survived multiple Nazi
concentration camps, including

00:39:40.381 --> 00:39:42.891
Auschwitz, between 1942 and 1945.

00:39:43.201 --> 00:39:46.551
But during imprisonment, he lost his
pregnant wife, his parents, his brother.

00:39:47.041 --> 00:39:51.261
And in these, I think, the most
unimaginable conditions, Frankel made

00:39:51.271 --> 00:39:54.621
a very profound observation, that
the prisoners who were more likely

00:39:54.621 --> 00:39:57.571
to survive weren't necessarily the
ones who were physically strongest,

00:39:58.151 --> 00:40:00.751
but those who maintained a sense
of meaning and a sense of purpose.

00:40:01.246 --> 00:40:04.536
And through his experiences, he developed
a form of therapy called Logotherapy.

00:40:04.926 --> 00:40:07.466
And it's based on this premise
that finding meaning in life is a

00:40:07.466 --> 00:40:09.026
human's primary motivational force.

00:40:09.266 --> 00:40:13.996
And he has this just incredible
quote, where he says, Between stimulus

00:40:14.256 --> 00:40:16.118
and response, there is a space.

00:40:16.616 --> 00:40:18.906
In that space is our power
to choose our response.

00:40:19.606 --> 00:40:22.376
And in our response lies
our growth and our freedom.

00:40:22.456 --> 00:40:25.426
And I think what makes his insight
about the space between stimulus

00:40:25.426 --> 00:40:28.076
and response so powerful is that he
developed this understanding in an

00:40:28.076 --> 00:40:31.746
environment where he had virtually no
control over his external circumstances.

00:40:31.846 --> 00:40:35.216
But he discovered that even in the
darkest moments, humans retain this

00:40:35.216 --> 00:40:39.516
fundamental freedom to, to choose that
response to what's happening to them.

00:40:39.546 --> 00:40:43.096
And I know that it's not just that
easy, because how do you build in

00:40:43.096 --> 00:40:44.776
that space that he talks about?

00:40:45.636 --> 00:40:46.536
For that response.

00:40:46.536 --> 00:40:49.446
And this is why I love the concepts
that Kristen have talked about with

00:40:49.446 --> 00:40:52.126
mindfulness and why a huge part of
acceptance and commitment therapy is

00:40:52.126 --> 00:40:56.186
learning to be mindful to be present
because here's what is fascinating about

00:40:56.186 --> 00:40:57.786
mindfulness from a scientific perspective.

00:40:57.806 --> 00:41:01.446
And this is my understanding that
when we practice mindfulness, we're

00:41:01.446 --> 00:41:05.336
actually rewiring our brains neural
pathways because research shows

00:41:05.366 --> 00:41:08.566
that regular mindfulness practice
strengthens the area of the brain.

00:41:08.566 --> 00:41:09.526
This prefrontal cortex.

00:41:09.526 --> 00:41:13.906
Think of that as your brain's pause button
while it reduces activity in the amygdala.

00:41:14.066 --> 00:41:16.646
The brain's threat detection system,
the place where the fight or flight

00:41:16.656 --> 00:41:20.096
response occurs, and this means that
you're literally building the neural

00:41:20.106 --> 00:41:23.796
architecture that allows you to pause
between that trigger of something

00:41:23.796 --> 00:41:25.366
that happens, and then your response.

00:41:25.516 --> 00:41:29.736
And I think what's even more interesting
is that a mindfulness practice increases.

00:41:29.786 --> 00:41:33.486
The density of gray matter in brain
regions linked to learning, memory,

00:41:33.496 --> 00:41:35.356
emotion, regulation, perspective taking.

00:41:35.726 --> 00:41:38.526
So it's like you're building new
mental muscles that help you step

00:41:38.536 --> 00:41:39.916
back from automatic reactions.

00:41:40.256 --> 00:41:42.976
So when you practice mindfulness,
I recommend doing it on a

00:41:42.976 --> 00:41:46.336
daily basis, even if you don't
believe it's doing much for you.

00:41:46.846 --> 00:41:50.251
But when you practice that every
day, Mindfulness technique regularly.

00:41:50.261 --> 00:41:53.241
You're not just hoping to catch the
space between stimulus and response.

00:41:53.241 --> 00:41:54.341
Oh my gosh, I hope I can do it.

00:41:54.691 --> 00:41:57.971
You're physically constructing the mental
machinery that then makes that possible.

00:41:57.971 --> 00:42:02.231
So at a certain point, it just
is, you are present, you pause.

00:42:02.901 --> 00:42:05.951
You can think of it like every time
you take a mindful moment, whether it's

00:42:05.951 --> 00:42:08.551
focusing on your breathing, noticing
your surroundings, simply observing

00:42:08.551 --> 00:42:11.921
your thoughts without judgment, you're
strengthening these neural pathways.

00:42:11.931 --> 00:42:15.201
It's very similar to how a muscle
gets stronger with repeated use,

00:42:15.261 --> 00:42:18.721
because then over time, This
practice makes it easier to access

00:42:18.721 --> 00:42:20.491
that pause when you need it most.

00:42:20.541 --> 00:42:21.581
It just is there.

00:42:21.611 --> 00:42:24.321
When you are facing a trigger that
you would typically launch into the

00:42:24.321 --> 00:42:28.491
self criticism or the shame cycle,
you are noticing, Oh, what's the

00:42:28.491 --> 00:42:29.681
story my brain wants to tell me?

00:42:29.731 --> 00:42:30.901
That that you're broken.

00:42:30.911 --> 00:42:31.631
You're not human.

00:42:31.731 --> 00:42:33.431
Okay, that'll chestnut.

00:42:33.831 --> 00:42:34.421
Thank you, brain.

00:42:34.471 --> 00:42:35.206
I think I'm okay.

00:42:36.106 --> 00:42:39.586
It's like, without learning how to build
in this pause, this, this mindfulness

00:42:39.626 --> 00:42:43.396
practice, we're like a computer that
just runs on autopilot, executing the

00:42:43.396 --> 00:42:46.516
same old programs of self criticism
that we've been running since childhood.

00:42:47.076 --> 00:42:49.346
But when we practice mindfulness,
we create that pause, that

00:42:49.346 --> 00:42:50.556
space that Frankel talks about.

00:42:50.936 --> 00:42:53.796
And in that space, that's where
we can choose self compassion

00:42:53.836 --> 00:42:54.756
instead of self judgment.

00:42:55.046 --> 00:42:58.286
And we can remember we are human, that
we're learning, and that this moment

00:42:58.306 --> 00:42:59.876
is just one part of our larger story.

00:43:00.166 --> 00:43:01.776
Because I think this whole concept.

00:43:02.046 --> 00:43:05.526
It directly ties into this discussion of
mindfulness and self compassion because

00:43:05.526 --> 00:43:09.816
it reminds us that no matter how automatic
our self critical responses might be or

00:43:09.816 --> 00:43:14.806
how ingrained our patterns of shame might
be, we can learn to develop that space.

00:43:15.381 --> 00:43:17.391
that possibility to have a choice.

00:43:17.631 --> 00:43:21.171
If Frankel can do this space for
choice in a concentration camp, I

00:43:21.181 --> 00:43:25.421
think I can certainly develop it as I
am learning about my podcast while I'm

00:43:25.431 --> 00:43:26.841
sitting in the comforts of my own home.

00:43:27.061 --> 00:43:30.391
Victor Frankel's principles of meaning
making, I think they beautifully

00:43:30.391 --> 00:43:33.551
compliment self compassion because
he observes that those who found

00:43:33.551 --> 00:43:36.661
meaning in their suffering could
endure it with greater resilience.

00:43:37.161 --> 00:43:40.091
This connects to the three
components that Kristin Neff

00:43:40.111 --> 00:43:41.271
talks about of self compassion.

00:43:41.581 --> 00:43:45.111
When we find meaning in our struggles,
mindfulness, we're better able

00:43:45.111 --> 00:43:48.351
to see them as part of a larger
human experience, common humanity,

00:43:48.801 --> 00:43:50.221
rather than as a personal failure.

00:43:50.241 --> 00:43:53.361
For example, recognizing that our
pain might help us develop empathy

00:43:53.721 --> 00:43:56.121
for others now gives the pain purpose.

00:43:56.551 --> 00:44:00.381
So now that growth, we grow through
discomfort because it has a purpose.

00:44:00.981 --> 00:44:04.041
Frankel emphasized that even in
suffering, we can choose our attitude.

00:44:04.351 --> 00:44:07.281
And I think this mirrors self
compassion's element of self kindness.

00:44:07.661 --> 00:44:10.711
We can choose to respond to
our pain with understanding

00:44:11.121 --> 00:44:12.531
rather than a harsh judgment.

00:44:12.761 --> 00:44:16.371
He found that prisoners who could
maintain their inner dignity, and

00:44:16.371 --> 00:44:19.431
that was done by showing kindness to
themselves and others, even in horrific

00:44:19.431 --> 00:44:21.451
circumstances were often more resilient.

00:44:22.021 --> 00:44:24.021
And I think maybe even more
powerfully than that, Frankel

00:44:24.021 --> 00:44:27.081
demonstrated that meaning comes
not just from positive experiences,

00:44:27.081 --> 00:44:28.861
but from how we handle adversity.

00:44:29.091 --> 00:44:34.311
And I think similarly self com
And sim similarly, That word, I

00:44:34.311 --> 00:44:35.311
struggle with that every time.

00:44:36.161 --> 00:44:39.271
Similarly, self compassion
isn't about avoiding pain or

00:44:39.271 --> 00:44:40.391
making everything positive.

00:44:40.791 --> 00:44:43.241
It's about finding a way To
hold our difficult experiences

00:44:43.241 --> 00:44:44.541
with understanding and wisdom.

00:44:44.751 --> 00:44:48.841
That is why mindfulness, learning
how to be in this present moment, is

00:44:48.841 --> 00:44:51.961
so critical, so crucial, because it
creates that space where we can find

00:44:51.961 --> 00:44:55.131
meaning in our experience, rather
than just react to our experiences.

00:44:55.251 --> 00:44:58.691
And it allows us to pause, and then
to choose how we want to relate to our

00:44:58.691 --> 00:45:01.591
pain, just as Frankl chose how to relate
to his circumstances in these moments.

00:45:02.594 --> 00:45:05.444
I think Viktor Frankl's work reminds
us that self compassion is not

00:45:05.444 --> 00:45:08.274
just about feeling better, but it's
about finding deeper meaning in

00:45:08.274 --> 00:45:11.634
our human experience, including our
struggles and our imperfections.

00:45:12.034 --> 00:45:15.134
And that deeper meaning helps us
respond to ourselves with even greater

00:45:15.134 --> 00:45:19.024
wisdom and kindness, even in, I
think, the most challenging moments.

00:45:19.534 --> 00:45:22.294
So if I can encourage a
takeaway for today, what I

00:45:22.294 --> 00:45:23.114
would love for you to remember.

00:45:23.829 --> 00:45:24.859
You're not broken, you're human.

00:45:24.959 --> 00:45:27.969
And being human means you're on a
journey of constant growth and discovery.

00:45:27.999 --> 00:45:28.669
What a joy.

00:45:29.079 --> 00:45:32.279
Every time you pause and you offer
yourself compassion instead of criticism,

00:45:32.729 --> 00:45:36.112
you're not just being kind to yourself,
you are rewiring patterns brain that

00:45:36.112 --> 00:45:37.662
might have been in places for decades.

00:45:37.772 --> 00:45:41.082
Decades, you're choosing a new
way of relating to yourself.

00:45:41.082 --> 00:45:45.362
That's more sustainable, more nurturing,
and ultimately more effective than this

00:45:45.372 --> 00:45:47.512
pursuit of perfection of self esteem.

00:45:48.392 --> 00:45:51.382
Because remember, this is the very first
time that you've been you in this moment

00:45:51.402 --> 00:45:53.252
with this understanding right now.

00:45:53.782 --> 00:45:57.132
And while the path of self compassion
might feel pretty unfamiliar at first,

00:45:57.602 --> 00:46:01.172
each small moment of kindness toward
yourself is like planting a seed.

00:46:01.192 --> 00:46:04.832
And over time, those seeds grow into
a garden of resilience and wisdom

00:46:04.862 --> 00:46:07.767
and genuine self acceptance because
you're not just learning a new skill.

00:46:07.962 --> 00:46:11.682
You are now starting to pioneer
a new way of being, and it is one

00:46:11.692 --> 00:46:16.942
that is full of compassion, and it
is in each moment, in each time.

00:46:17.372 --> 00:46:19.942
I cannot wait to hear your experiences.

00:46:20.062 --> 00:46:21.852
Send me your questions, your examples.

00:46:22.322 --> 00:46:23.962
Thanks for sticking with me this long.

00:46:24.942 --> 00:46:26.482
I hope you have an
amazing, wonderful week.

00:46:26.482 --> 00:46:28.912
Taking us out per usual is the
wonderful, the talented Aurora

00:46:28.912 --> 00:46:32.622
Florence with her song, It's Wonderful,
because I'm telling you, it can be.

00:46:33.402 --> 00:46:34.112
We'll see you next week.

00:46:34.312 --> 00:46:34.822
Thanks, everybody.