Hey everybody, welcome to episode 433 of the Virtual Couch.
I am your host, Tony Overbay.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and today
I wanna start with a story.
So we're gonna go back in the time machine.
I remember this from my very, very early days as a junior therapist,
as a therapist, trainee and intern.
And this is one of those moments that really stuck with me and I think it
played more of a role of shaping how I think about therapy some 20 years
later than I initially thought it did.
Caused me to have some early thoughts, the big feelings around people's desires
and dreams and, and the ever so delicate balance or this dance between hope and
reality, especially in your role as a therapist, but I can only imagine somebody
coming into a therapist trying to help.
Lay all these things out in front of somebody that feels a little
bit awkward, maybe uncomfortable.
And then now what do we do?
Picture this, I'm at this training.
I'm fresh out of graduate school.
This is a change in my career.
Now it's fully in place.
I'm in my early thirties, just spent a decade in the computer software industry.
And now I think I finally maybe found, found my place, found my calling and
I'm excited, but I am still so new.
I have no clue what I don't.
I don't even know that I don't know and I'm eager to just soak up all
the wisdom that I can and I cannot even remember the exact year.
I wish I could track down the therapist who led this training to
test my memory, but his words left a very strong impression that I still
do believe I'm hearing them today.
So we started with this question and he asked the entire room of therapists.
How many of you tell your clients that you can truly be anything
that you put your mind to?
And I really.
Remember, almost everybody's hand shot up, including mine, of course, right?
Because as therapists, you want to empower people, you want to inspire
them to reach for their dreams.
You know, it's, it's basically like in the job description and
why you get into the business.
And again, this is 20 years ago where the stigma around mental
health was still pretty heavy.
So you just felt like, man, I must deliver.
This person does not have the internet.
They do not have all the places that they can go.
This is up to me.
So then he asked us to pause and He said, give me a little bit of grace.
And then he laid out a very hypothetical scenario.
He said, so imagine a guy comes in to your office.
He's in his mid sixties.
He's struggling with his own mobility and he has significant weight challenges.
And he comes to you and said, I do not want to leave this earth without
achieving my dream of becoming the oldest person ever to play in the
National Basketball Association.
And he's never even really played organized basketball and doesn't really
watch much basketball either, but he really has just wanted to play in the
NBA and the room went quiet because you could feel this this tension
because it was such a powerful question.
Do we as therapists say you can absolutely do it?
, you can do anything you put your mind to because we want to support his
dream, or do we feel like I must gently guide him toward a place of acceptance,
toward reframing his aspirations, his hopes, and his dreams into
something a little bit more realistic, or actually a lot more realistic.
And then, what actually followed was One of the, I would almost say one of
the most heated debates that I've ever witnessed in a therapist training room.
Because on one side, there were people saying, well, who are we to tell
somebody that their dream isn't valid?
Maybe his goal isn't actually about making it to the NBA, but it's about
living with a passion and a purpose.
And other people would argue, but isn't part of your role as a therapist
to help the client face reality.
To protect him from the disappointment of chasing something unattainable because we
know what that's going to look like after he recognizes that what was I thinking?
And I can't even believe that you didn't tell me this.
You didn't call me out on this when I brought it to you.
And the moment stayed with me for a couple of reasons.
First, it was an early glimpse into how nuanced I think therapy can be.
What is my role to support or to motivate or to hold accountable
or to challenge or to question?
And then what actually comes up for me?
And wait, now I actually wanted to be in the NBA too, but my subconscious
will never allow this guy to achieve that dream or that would mean that
there's more that I could have done.
Maybe I could have done something like that too.
But then in second, it really forced me to think about that balance between fostering
hope and helping clients explore their dreams and what are their feelings that
are underneath those dreams and, and where are they coming from and what are their
limitations and how can discovering those actually be very beneficial and how can
we eventually tie all this back to their parents and, uh, and all of that with.
With empathy and with compassion.
So here we are 20 years later.
And I still think about that experience and all the fields
that can come along with it.
I can find myself getting passionate about it right now.
So today I want to explore how this story ties into a broader conversation
about self esteem versus self compassion.
Something that I covered on here a couple of weeks ago with my
associates, Marla and Nate Christensen.
I highly recommend that you go find that, that episode.
And this is all based around.
Kristen Neff, who is a leading researcher in self compassion has been writing about
extensively for over the last two decades because she explains that self esteem is
often about comparing ourselves to others.
That it's about feeling good enough, or it's by believing that we are
special, successful, or above average.
But here's the catch though, what she shows in her research
is that not everybody can be above average all the time.
And she had some really funny stats that she shared, and in her research she
showed that 90 percent of people think that they're better than average drivers.
And I would definitely put myself in that category, even, she said, those
who have recently been in accidents.
So self esteem can sometimes become this fragile thing because it's dependent
upon external validation and it's also dependent upon things like comparisons and
not to go off on too much of a tangent.
I remember reading the book Radical Acceptance, and there's a quote
there by the author Tara Brock.
And she brought this thing up about comparison.
And I thought it was really fascinating.
She was talking about in a spiritual context the concept around Buddhism.
And she was saying that it offers this, this challenge to a cultural worldview
that , she references that the Buddha taught that human birth is a precious
gift because it gives us this opportunity to, to realize the love and awareness
that are part of our true nature.
So she said, spiritual awakening becomes this process of recognizing
our essential goodness, our natural wisdom, our compassion.
She said in stark contrast to this trust in our inherent worth is our
culture's guiding myth, which is more around the story of Adam and Eve and
their exile from the garden of Eden.
, we might forget its power because it seems so worn and familiar, but the
story shapes and reflects this deep psyche of the West, because this message
of original sin or Kind of the what's wrong with me story is, is unequivocal.
Because of our basically flawed nature, we don't deserve to be
happy or loved by others or at ease with life because we're outcasts.
And if we are to reenter the garden, we have to redeem our sinful selves
and we have to overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling
our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people,
and therefore we must strive tirelessly.
Working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, emailing, overcommitting,
and rushing, and this never ending quest to prove ourselves once and for all.
And I felt like that tied in a little bit to Kristen Neff's research, where
she's saying that this self esteem that we constantly talk about, and that we
want to develop, is maybe more fragile.
And again, depending on external validation and then comparisons,
Because I think it's safe to say that comparison can be a really, really
dangerous thing, especially if you are looking, let's take the social media
example, which is the obvious one, and I can look and see these ideal
lives that other people are living.
. It lowers my self esteem because I feel like I am not living as good
of a life as these other people.
And so this comparison becomes if I can look better and do more or
do better than these people that I can see, then maybe I'll be happy.
Then maybe I'll have this self esteem.
So if we go back to the guy in the scenario that I laid out earlier,
if his self esteem is wrapped up in achieving something extraordinary,
Playing in the NBA at the age of 60, then it's easy to see how failure could
actually start to lead to shame and disappointment and feeling like he's not
good enough and what's wrong with him.
And I have had plenty of clients who have continually felt like they needed
to find that thing that made them.
Special that allowed them to leave their mark on the world to make them relevant.
And this isn't to say that people can't try to change the world, but
I go back to this quote that Carl Rogers, one of the most influential
psychologists of the 20th century said, which he calls the curious paradox.
And that curious paradox is that when I accept myself just
as I am, then I can change.
I think this is where self compassion offers such a powerful alternative
because self compassion isn't about being the best or achieving a specific goal.
It's about treating yourself with kindness and acceptance, even.
When you fail or fall short, and it's about saying I am enough.
I am worthy just as I am imperfections and all and I know
that this is absolutely a me thing.
But if you are a listener of the virtual couch, this might ring a bell, but I'm
not even a big fan of the concepts of when you fail or fall short or imperfections
and all because this is the very first time that you're going through life as
you me as me period and what some might view as my imperfections are things
Called a bald and five foot eight or five, seven without shoes or things like ADHD
because they are, that's what they are.
They just are.
And that is where I believe self compassion is an absolute key.
And it leads to a far more connected version of life, a connection to myself,
to the present moment, to those around me, because we're just being and doing.
In this very moment, check that out.
What's your experience?
Let me share my experience with you
because this is the way that we'll find true connection, not wasting
emotional time and calories and energy wondering why, why am I not taller?
Well, I guess at least I am taller than that guy, so that
makes me feel a lot better.
Or why didn't I figure out certain aspects of my own life sooner?
Why did I wait so long to get my ADHD diagnosis?
And well, at least I did get it sooner than this other person.
And just giving myself grace and compassion that I am actually figuring
things out now, which means I could quite possibly continue to figure out
things about myself and others and life as I continue moving forward.
Now there, there's data to support both sides of the debate on one hand,
you can set big ambitious goals and they can inspire action and they
can give people a sense of purpose.
We've got the new year coming up and so many people are tied
to New Year's resolutions.
And if that works for somebody, then that is amazing.
And you go and you do.
But there are also others that feel like those concepts actually end
up having more of a net negative effect and make them feel worse.
I do agree.
Hope is a powerful motivator.
Studies show that hope can increase resilience.
It can improve mental health.
But on the other hand, unrealistic goals can lead to things like
burnout, frustration, a lot of shame.
The I am broken.
I am bad.
What's wrong with me story.
Because when people set themselves up for what could be failure, it can actually
harm their self esteem in the long run.
Where does this leave us as therapists or even just as people trying to
support the dreams of those who we care about or our own dreams?
I think the answer really does lie in value based goal setting something
that we talk about a lot in therapy.
What if the man's dream of playing the NBA wasn't about basketball at all?
What if it was about something deeper value, like staying physically
active or contributing to a team or pushing himself to try new things?
Because if we can help clients connect with their underlying core values.
Then I think we can guide them toward goals that are both
meaningful and achievable.
But I go back to this concept of radical acceptance which
doesn't mean giving up on dreams.
It means accepting the reality, radically accepting the reality of
where we are and having this, this trust that we're going to continue to
move forward with hope, with intention.
MBA career probably isn't likely.
But embracing a new goal, maybe coaching a youth basketball team, joining a rec
league that might still align with his values, or you can even look at it like
it's good that he even came into therapy and said, this is something that I'm
exploring something that I want to do, because now that he started to do now,
he will find other things along that path that might be of more value to him.
But ultimately, I think the best work that we can do is help people navigate
this balance because we can validate feelings, we can honor dreams, and still
gently guide people toward goals that will bring them joy and fulfillment.
And I'm not just talking to other therapists, you are somebody that is
really still stuck on the, I don't even know what to do, then you're right
in the, you're in the right place.
Because now it's just time to start doing you can have this dream.
Check this out.
I still want to play in the NBA.
That's wild.
Right.
But what is that really about?
What does it mean?
Is that my own brain trying to wake me up a little bit and say yeah,
I'm trying all kinds of things here, but they're not motivating you.
So I'm thinking I'm going to go big.
I'm going to throw the Hail Mary pass because yeah, Validating your own
feelings, honoring your own dreams, you can still then gently guide them
toward, toward goals that will bring you some joy, some fulfillment, a purpose,
because none of this, even for ourselves, is about crushing somebody's hope.
It's about creating a life that feels rich and a life that feels
meaningful no matter where they start.
And I believe that job of a parent is to be right there to provide the
secure attachment, this home based operate from so that as my kids want
to do things, want to explore things.
If I immediately say, I don't think that's a good idea.
That's pretty clear.
That's a me issue.
But why don't I first find out what it is that they want to do.
And one of the best things that you can do is then say, how can I show up for you?
How can I support you?
Because.
A lot of times that's maybe the kid or, or somebody close to us, a
friend, a spouse that they're just trying to test the waters themselves.
And if you then immediately say, I don't think that's a good idea.
I don't think you should do that.
There's a story, a current story with of my son that I think
is a really fascinating one.
He was playing college basketball.
He decided he didn't want to play anymore.
That was hard for me.
I liked saying I had a son playing college basketball.
I already bought the t shirts.
I was ready to go to the games.
And then he said he wants to be a pro golfer.
And immediately my first thoughts were Hey bud, you really haven't
played a whole lot of golf.
I don't think that's a good idea.
But that's a me thing.
I've never been him.
So instead I was able to say, tell me more about that.
What does that look like?
And just a couple of weeks ago, he passed his PAT, this test to one of
the big steps on becoming a pro golfer.
That was a huge accomplishment and it made me realize this thought
I've had so often of don't be the one that crushes one's dreams.
But then , my , my next thought is let life do that to them.
But it's maybe a little tongue in cheek, but in reality though, had I
shut down his desire to become a pro golfer, Could he have gone the rest
of his life thinking, man, I could have been a pro golfer where instead that's
easy for me to say, go for it, man.
What can I do to help anything I can do to support you?
Because then a lot of times people start down that path and then that's when
they realize maybe this isn't for me.
And I think that's more of what life's about more of what a
secure attachment looks like.
Hey, I'm here right beside you.
I'm offering you a home base that you can operate from and you go and explore.
Because a lot of times once that person accepts that this is who they are, and
this is something that they've always wanted to do, and nobody's pushing back
against that, then I think often they will then see that either that is something
that they really want to do, or they'll get into that position and say, Oh,
okay, I always thought that this would be different, but I feel safe enough now to
admit that and move on to whatever's next.
But Not long ago, I reached out to some listeners.
And I asked the question, what comes to mind when you hear the words self esteem?
And I thought the responses were pretty interesting.
One person said, self esteem is about trying to feel good about yourself.
, which can be really hard, especially when I'm on social media, whenever
I slowed my life down, because I definitely don't want to be spending
a lot of time with my own thoughts.
Another person said, it's overrated.
You can't always feel great about yourself.
And that's okay.
Another person said self esteem.
It's about how people see themselves, but I think it causes problems
because we compare too much.
Another person said self esteem is about feeling good about yourself
when you're doing well, but it sure doesn't help when you're struggling.
And then another wrote in and said, self esteem is about feeling good.
And I don't know exactly where you're going with the question, but if I'm
being completely honest, it's pretty easy when you're successful or when
your hair looks good, sorry, Tony, and your outfits clean and you slept well
and things are going well in your life.
But that also means that self esteem can be fragile, which I'm guessing is
where you're going to go with this.
So I think it's safe to say that most of us grew up learning about self
esteem , , but now we're learning more and more that self compassion, might be
the golden ticket or the secret sauce.
And I want to beat this drum as loudly as I can because it really
adds another significant puzzle piece to what I just like talking about
so much on any and all podcasts.
And that is some of the key points of acceptance and commitment therapy,
that you are the only version of you.
That you think and feel the way that you do because you do.
And let's get into the concept of psychological reactance,
which is that instant negative reaction of being told what to do.
Why you can't use thought suppression.
You can't just stop thinking about something.
And I hear that so often in my office, I just need to stop thinking about it.
Good luck.
Stop thinking about the turtle right now wearing a top hat who's
trying to cross a busy highway.
I think we all just did it right then and then think about how that I just
told you to think about it now You're probably saying I will not think about
it But I believe that plays into our emotional immaturity because somebody
might be telling us exactly What would be beneficial for us and we we may even
know that it would be beneficial for us But the fact that somebody else is telling
us what to do and when truly nobody else knows exactly what it feels like to be
You then that psychological reactance kicks in and we suddenly sound like a
little kid You know, I think it would be really good for you to start saving money.
I don't want to.
That's dumb.
You're dumb.
And then maybe they leave and now the inner child in us continues
to be in charge, to have the mic.
Everybody's dumb.
Everybody's stupid.
Nobody understands me.
Which then can often lead to the, what's wrong with me?
I'm so broken.
Or nobody cares about me.
And , now we have to prove our worth.
But what is our worth?
Well, the immature way to go about it is to play the, at least
I'm better than that guy game.
Because we're back to comparisons, rather than, okay, give yourself some grace.
Where's the compassion?
And remember, when you were a little kid, your emotions and
your feelings, they were big.
And when you tried to express them, most likely you were told, to knock it off.
It's not a big deal.
Calm down.
We don't do that.
We don't say that.
Well, what did you do to cause that?
So over time we internalize those emotions and we started learning that
or believing this story that we were too much and our feelings were too much.
And what is wrong with me?
And why do I have these feelings?
Because I'm not being encouraged to, to have them at all, but they
were trying desperately to help you.
Those feelings were those emotions because you didn't have your big kid words.
To express yourself.
You didn't have your big kid body to be able to jump in a car and go
on a drive to cool off or to drive to a gym or to go to a therapist.
Your little kid body was saying, okay, we'll remember these feelings
and we will, we will imprint them.
We will encode them on your heart, in your head, in your gut, and then
do me a solid little version of me.
When you grow up and you're big you go heal us and eat all
the ice cream that you want.
I mean, at least for a little while, because ultimately
nobody is going to do it for us.
The healing part.
But you'll do this for us, right?
But then we grow up that adult body and unfortunately we somewhere
lost that memo and now our body is saying, there, there's that feeling
of not being enough, now go fix it.
But instead of finding our own purpose to fix it, so that we know
that we're enough, enough for us, we still respond very immaturely
and we still say nobody likes me.
Well, okay then, big version of you, learn to like yourself.
Nobody understands me.
Okay, big version of you.
Learn to understand yourself.
What is your meaning?
What is your purpose?
What your body, what your emotions, what your traumas, and what your fears,
and what your dreams are all about.
And figure yourself out.
Because you can.
You can do this.
You are an adult now.
So you could free yourself from all of your childhood, your adolescent, your
teen, your adult trauma, But what you need now, and what you needed then,
was compassion, grace, love, patience.
The things that I would imagine you'd tell a friend if they brought
all of these challenges, these issues, these problems to you.
You have to love yourself.
Okay, and if your inner child just reactanced all over me
right there, no, I don't want to.
That's dumb.
Okay?
Take two.
How about this?
What would that look like if you learned to love yourself?
Can you imagine what that might feel like?
So ideally, I would love for you to just take me on your train of thought.
Tell me your hopes.
Tell me your dreams, your fears.
Nothing is off limits.
Nothing is gonna sound too crazy.
Who did you think you would be when you were a kid?
What did you dream about?
Because this is your journey.
. It is time for you to liberate that trapped inner child inside of you who
really can't wait to spend some more time with you and learn to discover and figure
out and rule out all those things that you thought about when you were a kid.
Did you want to be an astronaut?
I did, totally.
Turns out you have to know math.
And I'm not a big fan of math.
But who knew it wasn't just about floating around in space and
bouncing around the moon and eating tang flavored paste from a tube.
I don't really want to do that anymore either.
Think about how often we judge ourselves based on comparing ourselves
to others or how we're constantly trying to prove that we're good enough.
And this is especially true when we recognize our emotional immaturity.
Because at that point, we really are looking for external validation.
And if we don't feel good about ourselves, it really doesn't matter
what somebody else is going to say.
When we're looking for this external validation, so often we're just trying
to be above average at everything.
Which, when you think about it, again, not a big fan of math, but
it's pretty mathematically impossible.
But here's where it gets interesting.
Just like we've talked about how you don't know what you don't know, many
of us don't realize that there are other ways to relate to ourselves.
Back to the topic of today.
self compassion.
Let me share a couple of examples that I think show how this plays out.
And I've had more than one client try their hand at singing or even comedy at
an open mic night or in a coffee shop.
And Kristen Neff in one of her research papers lays out this
exact example so beautifully.
And it is so true, but imagine you're gathering your courage.
You're going to perform at a local coffee house and open mic, whatever
that looks like, whatever you're gonna perform, comedy, poetry, music,
and you ask your friends and your family or anybody who happened to.
Come support you.
And you asked him, , what'd you think?
And somebody says, Hey, you were average.
Now, if you were like most people, the word average feels like a punch
to your gut, but here's where we want to pause and use this as our muse.
What can this reaction teach us about ourselves?
Why does being average feel so threatening to our sense of self?
According to Kristen Neff, this is where self compassion comes in.
That instead of getting caught in that childhood defense mechanism
of shame, that, oh, I must be bad, we're putting our self worth in the
hands of others, self compassion offers a completely different path.
It's about treating ourselves with kindness and recognizing
our shared humanity and staying mindful of our experiences without
getting overwhelmed by them.
Okay, the truth is, I probably was.
Average, maybe I might even been a little bit below average if I was brand
new to this, but why would I think that I was supposed to be so incredible?
The very first time I tried something.
I, because I am trying it.
I'm not, I'm not going to be the best.
It's part of growing and learning and part of this human experience, because
I love the idea that everything at the end of the day, or actually during the
day as well and at the beginning of the day, all day long is a me thing.
Why am I disappointed that somebody else had an opinion
that didn't make me feel better?
Why do I want people around me who will only tell me?
The things that I want to hear.
Well, I mean, actually it's easy because it feels good to hear that I'm awesome at
something that I haven't ever done before.
So therefore let me surround myself with people who will most
likely tell me how great I am.
If somebody doesn't agree with the others, well, geez, okay.
Who invited this person to Debbie Downer to put a big wet blanket all over here?
Who's this jerk.
That's so rude.
Now, somebody else tell me how good I was at this thing that I'm not
actually sure if I really want to do or not, but I thought I'd give it a try.
And most likely it's probably 10 times harder than I ever thought it would be.
I can't even come close to anticipating how hard it would
be when the nerves kicked in.
Nobody told me that there would be people who wouldn't even be paying attention.
And actually nobody told me that there would be so many people
actually paying attention.
So self compassion is what is necessary in order to truly review the game
film and to be willing to take chances to know that I, I can be mediocre
or average and actually that's okay.
This is a very true confession coming.
I remember I was dozens of ultramarathons into my air quote,
ultramarathon career when it hit me, I had always said that, you know, I
would have been six, six or taller.
I would have been a pro basketball player because I just loved the game so much.
I wasn't bad.
And I, but I just wasn't gifted with the height.
But then there I was, a mid packer in the ultramarathon world, watching
others, who turns out were my age and older, starting to get sponsorship
deals, starting to make money doing what they loved, and, but I was different.
I had four kids.
I had a job.
But hang on, the guy that just won that last 50 miler has five
kids, and he's a, an attorney.
Oh yeah, but, uh, but still, he was probably a runner in high school
and in college, no, he was not.
Okay.
And then it hit me.
I am a guy who enjoys running and I was training about as hard as I think
I could at that time and I did okay.
That's about it.
But I loved running.
I loved ultra running.
I had a great time.
I was able to eventually accept that fact.
And that acceptance didn't then allow me to turn the
corner and start winning races.
No I actually went back and looked at my ultra signup account
and I was correct in that.
I took a 20th overall one year in the Lake Tahoe, 100 mile
run, a brutal, beautiful race.
But then I just saw that only 65 people actually finished.
So that was okay.
But definitely not as cool as I made it sound a lot of times
when I talked about top 20 finish and this brutal 100 mile race.
You know, I remembered one particular year where I ran the
American River 50 miler well.
7 hours and 50 minutes, my very best finish in the, I don't know, 7 or 8
times that I ran this iconic race, this American River 50 mile race.
And that was decent.
I looked that up too.
I finished 51st out of 688 entrants.
That one, I could even say, alright, that sounds pretty good.
You But the top 10 finishers all beat me by over an hour and a half.
And I was 11th in my age division.
I was 42 at the time.
So where am I going with this?
For some reason, I was able to accept mediocrity in my ultra running career
much sooner than with other areas in my life, but that actually made my running
career in general far more enjoyable, less stressful, and it didn't lead
to me not trying or giving up, which I think so often is the story that
we tell ourselves about what might happen if we don't try and become the
most bestest specialist person ever.
Which often then requires either putting others down to get there.
Man, I did really well.
Do you see how poorly those other guys did?
Or, if I didn't finish well, it makes it much harder for self acceptance.
Here comes excuses.
Well, it must have been because if everybody in the family didn't spend
so much money, then I wouldn't have to work so much, and I'd have more time
to train, and I would have done better.
So therefore, it is all your fault.
And had you guys all not been so needy and demanding, then I probably could have been
one of the greatest ultra runners ever.
But I guess that isn't the case, and admittedly, self compassion makes
stories a little less exciting.
Honestly let's talk about the two versions of this Lake Tahoe,
a hundred mile race story then.
Okay.
Here's the first one.
Oh man, Lake, Lake Tahoe, a hundred miler, one of the hardest, most
difficult races you'll ever do.
Hundreds of people are out there, hundreds of them on the
course, the elevation brutal.
You really do climb to almost 10, 000 feet and the up and down wreaks
havocs on your legs, but I'll tell you something one year I finished 20th
and that was under brutal conditions.
I mean, top 20 in a race like that.
I don't even know how many people have finished, but one
of the best races of my life.
And honestly, I could have even done better had I not had to deal with a lot
of family drama at the time and been able to train more, but you know, wife
and kids, they are demanding seriously versus Lake Tahoe 100 miler is definitely
one of the hardest races I've run.
Well, especially because I made a tremendous amount of
excuses in my training, if you even want to call it training.
Forgoing anything that would have even remotely, Help me understand what
three miles of downhill without a break at all would feel like on my quads.
Oh, and there are places within 10 miles from my very house where I could have
simulated that three mile downhill, but but I would just wake up a little
bit extra sleepy on Saturdays and then just do my long runs around my
house where it's, no elevation change.
And I told myself that I'd start eating better several months before the race.
But yeah, right.
I actually used the fact that I was training for an ultra marathon
to eat any and everything I could, which did not help me on race day.
I can assure you every pound that you're carrying is something I've heard, like
four additional pounds to your joints.
So I was feeling it.
And speaking of feeling it once again, when the starting gun went off, I
took off like I was an elite thinking, wait, What if today I could uncork
a legendary performance and I could actually finish in a top 10 or something
only to feel like I was dying when I felt my heart pumping out of my ear
holes on the very first significant climb when I also remembered, oh yeah,
altitude, but I slogged through it.
I finished in 20th place and then looked up afterward.
There were only 65 people who finished total out of maybe 130
that started, but it took me a few hours longer than I anticipated.
Now that does not sound as cool as the first one, but it's true, and it
is full of self compassion, because I was just having a human experience.
So back to the me things.
Self compassion, I think, is the ultimate me thing, because it's about how we relate
to ourselves in those moments when we feel inadequate or we feel imperfect.
But unlike self esteem, which often requires us to feel special
or above average, self compassion is about acknowledging that
being human means being yourself.
being imperfect.
And that's true for every unique version of us with all of our
nature and nurtured all the attachment wounds, life experiences.
And if I go back to the research from Kristen Neff, it is fascinating
and honestly kind of funny.
Again, 90 percent of drivers think that they are above average, even people
who have recently caused accidents.
So this is not just about driving though.
It shows how we're all trying so hard to maintain the sense of being
special, even when it defies logic.
It's like, we're all playing this impossible game where everybody
has to be above average all the time to feel okay about themselves.
So these concepts that Kristen Neff shared, self kindness versus self
judgment, what she said was that self kindness means taking a benevolent and
supportive attitude toward ourselves instead of being harshly critical.
And it involves actively showing concern for our own distress and trying
to ease our discomfort, not because we're inadequate, but because we care.
We care about ourselves.
It means being emotionally available to ourselves.
during difficult times and responding with warmth just as
we would to a friend in need.
Because think about how you would treat that best friend when
they're having a really rough day.
Hopefully, you speak to them kindly.
You try to comfort them and show that you care about their feelings.
But when we mess up or we face challenges ourselves, we often do the opposite.
We might call ourselves stupid or worthless or tell
ourselves, just get over it.
Self kindness is about treating ourself with the same care and understanding
we would show a good friend.
It's like being your own supportive best friend instead of your harshest
critic because that is not what is going to motivate you in the
way that you believe that it will.
Imagine you fail at an important test despite you studied really hard.
A self judgmental response would be, I am such an idiot.
I'll never be good enough.
I should just give up a self kindness response would be all right.
That was disappointing and it is okay to feel sad about it because testing
is stressful and I did my best.
Maybe I can talk to my teacher about what I can do differently next
time or I can find a study buddy to help me prepare better or I have
to own the fact that you know what?
I actually did not study as much as I thought I would.
She also talks about common humanity versus isolation.
Kristin Neff says common humanity means recognizing that life challenges
are just a part of being human.
They are an experience that we all share.
Now, when we struggle, we tend to irrationally feel like
everybody else is fine, and we're the only ones having problems.
I hear that in my office, honestly, on a daily basis.
That I'm the only one that is going through these things.
So part of that, what I enjoy doing, is normalizing.
Not trying dismiss somebody's problems, but to say, And that is
something that I heard often, maybe even a couple of times already today.
But when we think that we are the only ones having problems, it creates almost
this frightening sense of disconnection that makes our suffering feel much worse.
So understanding common humanity helps us feel connected rather than alone
in our struggles because we're all going through life for the very first
time and life is lifing all over us.
I was going to say, have you ever scrolled through social media, but
think about when you have scrolled through social media and felt like
everybody else has their life perfectly together while you are struggling.
There's a version of that isolation, but the truth is everyone.
And I mean, everyone, even those people with the perfect looking
Instagram feeds, they face challenges.
They make mistakes.
They feel inadequate.
Sometimes I talk to captains of industry, professionals, politicians,
entertainers, you name it.
And they are all going through things.
Common humanity is about remembering that struggling is not a personal failure.
It's just part of being human.
It's like realizing that we are all in this together, even when our
specific challenges are different.
But you would even be surprised to often find out that a lot of the struggles
that we're going through are similar.
It's one of the greatest reasons to have things like support groups,
because people feel a tremendous sense of, of relief when there's community
around, especially a challenge.
So let's say you're going through a breakup.
The isolation response would be, nobody understands what I'm
going through, everybody else has perfect relationships, and I'm the
only one who can't make it work.
A common humanity response would be heartbreak is something that almost
everyone experiences at some point.
Millions of people have felt this way before me, and millions will feel
this way after me, and it's painful.
It is.
And that is okay for me to feel that pain, but it's also a normal part
of the human experience of love.
And then Kristen F.
also talks about mindfulness versus over identification.
So, her concept of this is that mindfulness involves maintaining balanced
awareness that neither avoids Nor exaggerates our present moment experience
without acknowledging our pain because we can't show ourselves compassion
unless we're willing to acknowledge that I am feeling pain in this very moment.
But if we become overly identified with the negative thoughts and
those negative feelings, we do start to lose this perspective
that we need to care for ourselves.
So mindfulness, being mindful, learning to, to change our relationship with
our thoughts and our feelings and emotions and recognize them because
they are going to tell us something.
But that mindfulness concept helps us recognize that our negative
thoughts and feelings are just that.
They are thoughts and they are feelings.
They're not a permanent reality.
, imagine your emotions are like these weather patterns over identification.
It's like thinking that a storm will last forever while avoiding your
feelings is like pretending that the storm isn't happening at all.
So mindfulness is the middle path.
It is about acknowledging that the storm is happening right now.
I can notice it, I can feel it, I can smell it, but
remembering that it will pass.
It's about being very observant of your thoughts and your feelings and your
emotions and your sensations without just getting completely swept away
by them or trying to push them aside.
So let's say that you make an embarrassing mistake during a presentation,
whether it's at work, school.
Over identification would be, I am a complete failure.
My life is ruined.
Everybody will remember this forever, and I will never
recover from this humiliation.
Avoidance would be, that's fine, whatever, I don't care.
I don't care what anybody thinks.
A more mindful response would be, okay, I am noticing that I am feeling embarrassed
right now, and that's understandable.
Thank you brain for pointing this out to me because I'm going to let this in.
These feelings may even feel intense.
Where do I feel them?
Are they in my chest?
Are they in my stomach?
How big are they?
Are they sharp?
Are they dull?
Is it just this constant feeling, but I know that they won't last forever.
This is one moment in my life, not a definition of who I am.
Let me share a very real example that just happened for me just this week
I had a situation with my podcast, waking up the narcissism that tested
my ability to practice self compassion.
Boy, did it.
I'd released the eighth episode in a series called Death by a Thousand Cuts,
where listeners share their stories about the seemingly small but deeply damaging
moments and unhealthy relationships.
And this Death by a Thousand Cuts series explores how these minor incidents, which
a lot of people will dismiss if they're not in these types of relationships,
can gradually erode somebody's whole sense of self, especially when they
occur over and over and over again without accountability on the part of
the person that is inflicting these cuts.
After releasing the episode, a couple of listeners reached out
about audio gaps and some odd pauses and things in the recording.
Took me a day or two because it was Thanksgiving, and then I checked,
and I discovered I had accidentally uploaded an unedited version full of
stops and starts, content that was meant to be cleaned up in post production.
And this created a perfect storm of emotions and an opportunity to observe
how different mindsets from harsh self criticism to avoidance to mindful self
compassion, might handle such a situation.
Why don't I break these down for you and three different approaches and
how they might have played out in the scenario and then share what I did
over identification that response.
I'm a complete fraud.
Everybody's gonna now know it.
I built this whole podcast around helping people heal from narcissistic
relationships, and I can't even edit my own audio properly.
All those people who trusted me, they shared their stories.
They're gonna feel betrayed when they realize I am not professional enough to
even check my own work before publishing.
This proves that I have no business doing this podcast.
It took 600 and.
something episodes.
But I finally showed everybody what an amateur I really am.
Those people who wrote in about the audio gaps probably told
everybody else not to listen.
All that work building credibility is absolutely ruined.
Maybe this is a sign I should quit and never do podcasts again.
And I don't want to be embarrassed like this.
That, that is a very real version of a response.
The avoidance response, whatever it's audio gaps.
Most people probably didn't even notice.
And those few people who complained, they're being nitpicky.
I mean, I'm doing this for free.
I'm putting out tons of content.
If they want perfect audio, they can go pay for premium podcasts.
Everybody makes mistakes.
It's not a big deal.
Can you believe that people wrote in okay, just, okay, I get it.
You're you pointed something out.
Not even going to check the audio because they're probably exaggerating anyway.
If people don't like it, how about they start their own
podcast and see how hard it is.
Okay, that one doesn't, that one doesn't feel very good.
And then the mindful response, which is the way I tried to handle this.
I am feeling really embarrassed right now about missing those editing gaps.
And that's understandable because I care a lot about providing quality
content for my listeners free or not.
Especially given the sensitive nature of what they share with me.
So these feelings of shame though, they're trying to creep in, but
I recognize that making a mistake does not make me an imposter.
I'm choosing to view this as an opportunity to demonstrate the very
principles I talk about, acknowledging mistakes, taking responsibility,
taking corrective action.
I really sincerely appreciate the listeners who brought this to my
attention because it shows they care enough about the podcast to speak up.
And I can feel anxious about the technical issues and replace the
file while still staying focused on solving the problem step by step.
One episode out of over 600 and how I handle this matters more
than the fact that it happened.
Because hopefully that response shows all three elements of
self compassion, self kindness.
I'm going to acknowledge my embarrassment without beating myself up.
I am noticing I want to beat myself up.
Then we have her, Kirsten Neff's concept of common humanity.
I'm recognizing the technical issues and mistakes.
Most likely happened to all content creators at some point and then
mindfulness, trying to stay present with the uncomfortable feelings
while doing everything I can to take practical steps to fix the situation.
So I did, I did fix the situation and you can find that now on the
waking up to narcissism podcast.
And I even added some bonus content in the front of that episode.
So if if you're listening, do me a favor, go listen to that episode.
I think the, there were a lot of downloads that happened
with that, the bad file first.
So self compassion doesn't mean avoiding responsibility.
It actually means taking responsibility, but maintaining a balanced kind
perspective towards yourself.
I want to wrap things up today with the wisdom of somebody that I think about
often, but I don't talk about as much on podcasts, but that's Victor Frankel.
And you may be familiar with the name.
He's also the author of a book called man's search for meaning.
And Frankel was an Austrian psychiatrist and he survived multiple.
And he survived multiple Nazi concentration camps, including
Auschwitz, between 1942 and 1945.
But during imprisonment, he lost his pregnant wife, his parents, his brother.
And in these, I think, the most unimaginable conditions, Frankel made
a very profound observation, that the prisoners who were more likely
to survive weren't necessarily the ones who were physically strongest,
but those who maintained a sense of meaning and a sense of purpose.
And through his experiences, he developed a form of therapy called Logotherapy.
And it's based on this premise that finding meaning in life is a
human's primary motivational force.
And he has this just incredible quote, where he says, Between stimulus
and response, there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
And in our response lies our growth and our freedom.
And I think what makes his insight about the space between stimulus
and response so powerful is that he developed this understanding in an
environment where he had virtually no control over his external circumstances.
But he discovered that even in the darkest moments, humans retain this
fundamental freedom to, to choose that response to what's happening to them.
And I know that it's not just that easy, because how do you build in
that space that he talks about?
For that response.
And this is why I love the concepts that Kristen have talked about with
mindfulness and why a huge part of acceptance and commitment therapy is
learning to be mindful to be present because here's what is fascinating about
mindfulness from a scientific perspective.
And this is my understanding that when we practice mindfulness, we're
actually rewiring our brains neural pathways because research shows
that regular mindfulness practice strengthens the area of the brain.
This prefrontal cortex.
Think of that as your brain's pause button while it reduces activity in the amygdala.
The brain's threat detection system, the place where the fight or flight
response occurs, and this means that you're literally building the neural
architecture that allows you to pause between that trigger of something
that happens, and then your response.
And I think what's even more interesting is that a mindfulness practice increases.
The density of gray matter in brain regions linked to learning, memory,
emotion, regulation, perspective taking.
So it's like you're building new mental muscles that help you step
back from automatic reactions.
So when you practice mindfulness, I recommend doing it on a
daily basis, even if you don't believe it's doing much for you.
But when you practice that every day, Mindfulness technique regularly.
You're not just hoping to catch the space between stimulus and response.
Oh my gosh, I hope I can do it.
You're physically constructing the mental machinery that then makes that possible.
So at a certain point, it just is, you are present, you pause.
You can think of it like every time you take a mindful moment, whether it's
focusing on your breathing, noticing your surroundings, simply observing
your thoughts without judgment, you're strengthening these neural pathways.
It's very similar to how a muscle gets stronger with repeated use,
because then over time, This practice makes it easier to access
that pause when you need it most.
It just is there.
When you are facing a trigger that you would typically launch into the
self criticism or the shame cycle, you are noticing, Oh, what's the
story my brain wants to tell me?
That that you're broken.
You're not human.
Okay, that'll chestnut.
Thank you, brain.
I think I'm okay.
It's like, without learning how to build in this pause, this, this mindfulness
practice, we're like a computer that just runs on autopilot, executing the
same old programs of self criticism that we've been running since childhood.
But when we practice mindfulness, we create that pause, that
space that Frankel talks about.
And in that space, that's where we can choose self compassion
instead of self judgment.
And we can remember we are human, that we're learning, and that this moment
is just one part of our larger story.
Because I think this whole concept.
It directly ties into this discussion of mindfulness and self compassion because
it reminds us that no matter how automatic our self critical responses might be or
how ingrained our patterns of shame might be, we can learn to develop that space.
that possibility to have a choice.
If Frankel can do this space for choice in a concentration camp, I
think I can certainly develop it as I am learning about my podcast while I'm
sitting in the comforts of my own home.
Victor Frankel's principles of meaning making, I think they beautifully
compliment self compassion because he observes that those who found
meaning in their suffering could endure it with greater resilience.
This connects to the three components that Kristin Neff
talks about of self compassion.
When we find meaning in our struggles, mindfulness, we're better able
to see them as part of a larger human experience, common humanity,
rather than as a personal failure.
For example, recognizing that our pain might help us develop empathy
for others now gives the pain purpose.
So now that growth, we grow through discomfort because it has a purpose.
Frankel emphasized that even in suffering, we can choose our attitude.
And I think this mirrors self compassion's element of self kindness.
We can choose to respond to our pain with understanding
rather than a harsh judgment.
He found that prisoners who could maintain their inner dignity, and
that was done by showing kindness to themselves and others, even in horrific
circumstances were often more resilient.
And I think maybe even more powerfully than that, Frankel
demonstrated that meaning comes not just from positive experiences,
but from how we handle adversity.
And I think similarly self com And sim similarly, That word, I
struggle with that every time.
Similarly, self compassion isn't about avoiding pain or
making everything positive.
It's about finding a way To hold our difficult experiences
with understanding and wisdom.
That is why mindfulness, learning how to be in this present moment, is
so critical, so crucial, because it creates that space where we can find
meaning in our experience, rather than just react to our experiences.
And it allows us to pause, and then to choose how we want to relate to our
pain, just as Frankl chose how to relate to his circumstances in these moments.
I think Viktor Frankl's work reminds us that self compassion is not
just about feeling better, but it's about finding deeper meaning in
our human experience, including our struggles and our imperfections.
And that deeper meaning helps us respond to ourselves with even greater
wisdom and kindness, even in, I think, the most challenging moments.
So if I can encourage a takeaway for today, what I
would love for you to remember.
You're not broken, you're human.
And being human means you're on a journey of constant growth and discovery.
What a joy.
Every time you pause and you offer yourself compassion instead of criticism,
you're not just being kind to yourself, you are rewiring patterns brain that
might have been in places for decades.
Decades, you're choosing a new way of relating to yourself.
That's more sustainable, more nurturing, and ultimately more effective than this
pursuit of perfection of self esteem.
Because remember, this is the very first time that you've been you in this moment
with this understanding right now.
And while the path of self compassion might feel pretty unfamiliar at first,
each small moment of kindness toward yourself is like planting a seed.
And over time, those seeds grow into a garden of resilience and wisdom
and genuine self acceptance because you're not just learning a new skill.
You are now starting to pioneer a new way of being, and it is one
that is full of compassion, and it is in each moment, in each time.
I cannot wait to hear your experiences.
Send me your questions, your examples.
Thanks for sticking with me this long.
I hope you have an amazing, wonderful week.
Taking us out per usual is the wonderful, the talented Aurora
Florence with her song, It's Wonderful, because I'm telling you, it can be.
We'll see you next week.
Thanks, everybody.