Hey, everybody.
Before we get to today's episode let me just come clean.
This is the same episode that was released last week the eighth
installment of Death by a Thousand Cuts.
But a funny thing happened between originally recording the episode
and hitting the publish button.
Let me first say that I am going to give you a bonus speed round of new Death
by a Thousand Cuts material right after I share the story, and right before we
get to the Riley Hope song, Not My Job.
Now, I am a huge fan of accountability, and I wish I could say that I've always
been a fan, but I do think that for most people it can be pretty difficult
to want to take ownership when we've done something that disappoints
somebody that we care about, or that we may not want to think of ourselves
as somebody who did what we did that is disappointing, even if it's to ourselves,
or maybe somebody who doesn't follow through on things that you commit to.
. But I will take ownership that from the time I record a podcast to the
time it's released, there's maybe a day or two in between to do the editing.
And I have my daughter Sydney cut up some clips for social media,
and then we are off to the races.
I have had other people edit the episodes in the past, and while I
think that would Truthfully be a better use of my time to farm that out.
I kind of like the editing.
It's satisfying as the kids say, but knowing that I'll be editing it.
If I say something in the way that I don't like it, when I'm recording, I'll
pause, I'll repeat it, or I'll just hesitate in the middle of a sentence
and then I'll say it another way.
And I just know that I will eventually get to that and I'll, I'll make
it sound okay in post production.
I guess is the fancy way to say that.
Or I'll realize the story that I'm trying to convey actually makes no
sense, and I'll start it all over again, and sometimes again, and again.
Well, I had this grand idea to record things ahead of time, to have
a couple of episodes in the can.
So I recorded this episode of Death by a Thousand Cuts, and then I
left it in the software to edit.
And then I recorded the episode on antagonistic attachment styles,
which I highly recommend because that is such a fascinating subject.
And I edited and released that one.
And then I did a virtual couch episode and edited and released that.
And then I remembered I had a Death by a Thousand Cuts already recorded.
And I thought, okay, this is why you put things in the can.
So I just kind of spaced the editing part.
I released it a couple of days before Thanksgiving and I heard about it.
Boy, did I hear about it.
Thank you very much for those who wrote in because I, at that point I had several
thousand downloads go out , and many people shared with me audio issues.
There were gaps, there were repeated words and phrases, and I started putting these
pieces together the day or two after it was released, which was Thanksgiving.
I couldn't get the episode edited fast enough, but then I had a struggle
replacing the file with my podcast host because they were on break.
Then yesterday, Monday, I heard back from them and there were
still some issues some, something to do with file permissions.
And so the file still wasn't replaced.
So I took it down and I decided to re release the episode today and Let you
in on a little behind the scenes info, I appreciate your patience, and I so
appreciate the support the reason I wanted to Re release it is that these death by
a thousand cuts episodes are easily some of the most downloaded And I think it's
because they help a lot of people feel seen maybe for the first time and they
don't feel as crazy When they hear that there are just these little cuts that are
in the relationship and when you explain them to somebody else They don't really
understand those or they want to just tell you it's not that big of a deal I
really wanted to present this episode in a way that I think does it justice here's
the episode with the edits and the pauses taken care of and thanks to all of those
who wrote in I really appreciate it and if you have examples in your own life
of death by a thousand cuts, please send them to me at contact at tonyoverbay.
com because I will continue to do this death by a thousand cut series.
So now, as I did promise, I got a few emails recently that did not
make it into the episode, and I think that they are very episode worthy.
So here's a few more examples.
We'll call it a quick speed round of more cuts, and then we'll ease
right into Riley song, not my job.
A person said I asked my husband repeatedly to please keep the blinds in
our bathroom shut for privacy because it looks right in on the house next door,
but then he continually leaves them open because he says he keeps forgetting.
So I finally taped them shut because I'm the one that is being exposed and
when he saw that he just got furious.
Another person said, whenever I would suggest a solution to a problem that we
were facing, he would immediately tell me why it won't work because of X or Y or Z.
And then typically a few days later, then he would successfully
adopt that solution and never acknowledged that it was my idea.
I've done an episode or two where we've talked about this, about the
attack surface, where the emotionally immature or narcissistic person, they
just need you to put something in front of them so they can knock it down
and put them in the one up position.
Because it's hard for the emotionally immature or narcissistic person To, as we
kind of alluded to earlier in this in this intro, to take ownership of something as
simple as saying, Oh, I didn't know that, or I hadn't thought about it that way.
So then later, now it was their idea, even though you're the one that first said it.
Another person said, I had an important business meeting that I
really wanted him to join in person.
I thought that that would be very helpful.
And so he agreed.
And then I sent a calendar request, which he accepted, but then the morning
of the meeting, he informed me that he could not attend because he was going
on a long bike ride with his friends.
And then he also said, but actually I never even committed
to being at the meeting.
And I didn't even know for sure if you were having the meeting, which I could go
back to and show him the calendar invite.
Another person said, when I asked her to get help with her anger issues,
her usual response was by aggressively stating, I don't have anger issues.
Another person said that , their spouse wanted to put a very unattractive
fence on a property that they had gone in on and invested together.
But this person said that they really didn't like what that fence looked like.
And could they just put a little pause on this and talk about it at a later date?
But then that weekend they woke up to workers installing
it without their permission.
Another person shared that their spouse decided to put a putting
green in their backyard, even though he was not much of a golfer.
And then eventually the putting green was not used.
It got moldy and it became an eyesore.
Another person wrote in to talk about COVID and said how much of a nightmare
it was despite my constant requests.
My spouse refused to abide by safety guidelines, but then of
course they got COVID and they became so dramatic at one point.
They were so annoyed by their own coughing that they started kicking
a metal garbage can in rage.
Then later, when we talked about that in a therapy session,
they denied that ever happened.
I got home and I looked at the dented garbage can . Then I pointed that out
and said, did this didn't just get in here themselves to which then I was
told that I was the one that was being too dramatic and that I had tried
to make them look bad in therapy.
Another person wrote in and said that their spouse has had a lot
of inappropriate interactions with members of the opposite sex, but when
they've shared their displeasure.
Their spouse has never acknowledged it or apologized.
Instead, they turn it back around to imply that I'm the one that's
insecure, and that I don't trust them, And now they want me to apologize.
Another person wrote in to say, Is there such a thing as a
diagnosis of bipolar in your car?
They said that their husband Continually rages and has outbursts at traffic.
But then when they are not raging and outbursting at traffic,
then they talk about how much I outburst and rage at traffic.
I believe that's called projection, but then I'm supposed to take ownership of
things that I'm not doing and validate how amazing he is when he drives.
So while I don't believe that is an official diagnosis,
it's not really a bad idea.
So I'll see what I can do about that.
Another person wrote in and said, I could write a book on all of the
death by a thousand cuts examples.
But my hope is one day that I'll look back and I'll laugh at all of this nonsense.
But for now, it does still sting and I'm working on healing the wounds.
So thank you, Riley Hope, for your song, Not My Job.
That is, is an earworm always.
Is it a bad thing?
Because that is in my head constantly and I think it's a good thing, but
it's so applicable to what we are going to talk about today and you
can find information about Riley Hope on her Instagram, or I will have the
links to all of the places that you can find Not My Job in the show notes.
And please follow her on social media.
Look for her song, wherever you listen to podcasts.
So let's start today's episode with a poem from a listener.
The poem is called the thousand little paper cuts.
They say love shouldn't hurt, but here's the thing.
It's not the giant wounds that make us sing.
It's the tiny paper cuts day after day.
I'm just trying to help.
They love to say a sigh here and I roll there.
Did you really need to buy that pair?
I've forgotten birthday, a backhanded praise.
You look so good for someone your age.
The dishes left just one or two, the plans changed last minute, nothing new,
the subtle digs about your friends, the jokes that never make amends.
A thousand cuts so small, so slight, each one too tiny for a fight,
but add them up day after day and watch your joy just slip away.
So here's the healing every nick to seeing through each little trick,
because paper cuts, though small they be, can slice right through your sanity.
So thank you to that listener.
And another person sent me in a limerick, and it goes like this.
There once was a spouse oh so sweet, whose cuts made my life incomplete.
Each shab was so small, you'd see none at all, till I found
myself knocked off my feet.
So you guessed it.
We are talking about cuts today and we are talking to thousands and thousands
of cuts, paper cuts, I don't know, cuts with small knives, cuts with fingernails,
you name it, but thousands of tiny cuts and that they make up what it
feels like often to be somebody that's in a relationship with somebody with
narcissistic traits and tendencies or the incredibly emotionally immature.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to of waking up to narcissism.
I am your host, Tony Overbay.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and a host of a variety of
podcasts, including the virtual couch and the mind, the mirror and me with
my daughter, Mackie murder on the couch with my daughter, Sid love ADHD with
Julie Lee, and also one that I haven't talked enough about the Q and a files.
This is a really fun podcast venture that I've done with my
friends, Jeff and Tricia Jamison.
Tricia is a life coach and Dr.
Jeff is a board certified physician and I am a marriage and family therapist.
And you put the three of us together and we get questions from listeners
and then we answer them from our three different, I don't want to say
modalities, but just we all have slightly different takes on how we would react
or answer certain people's questions.
And I bring that up because we've been doing a lot of questions lately
around narcissism and emotional immaturity in relationships.
And what I love about it is I like coming at it from the therapist angle.
Trisha Jamison has a lot of experience in working with people who are in
relationships also with people that are emotionally immature and narcissistic.
And she has a lot of very, very good practical advice for people that
often feel stuck , and she has a really nice way to help you Raise that
emotional baseline and get in touch with your values, which puts you in
a position to be better your best self when you're interacting with, or
trying to navigate or figure out your relationship with your narcissistic
or emotionally immature partner.
And then Dr.
Jeff, as a doctor talks about a lot of the body keeps the score vibes.
So I highly recommend you go find that I'll put the link in the
show notes, the Q and a files.
And I'm planning on running a bonus episode here on waking up to narcissism
in the not too distant future, but I would recommend go subscribe to that right now.
So before we get to the cut examples, and we have a lot of them today, including a
new segment that I am calling the Speed Round of Death by a Thousand Cuts, I
would really like to invite you all to jump on board my train of thought.
And you're getting on a couple of stops back from the actual
destination that we're headed.
So bear with me because we're going to go through probably a little
bit of a landscape that you may not recognize, but I hope you can trust
me when I say that I think you really will appreciate the destination,
so we're going to talk about shooting free throws and basketball, something
that while I can imagine not everybody has done, but I'm hoping you've maybe
even watched somebody else do it.
And if you've thought yeah, I could do that or why, why
aren't they better at that?
If that's what they continually practice or that's their job.
So the brilliant thing about free throws is that you can spend years mastering
the art of shooting free throws.
You can read about free throws, you can dive into the theory, the ideal
arc, the perfect follow through, the physics, the spin, the trajectory, and
you can watch endless hours of game footage of legends everywhere from Rick
Barry, who had a very unconventional, but very deadly underhand shot, aka the
granny shot, or we go to modern day.
Somebody like Steph Curry, who's effortless precision just seems almost
robotic and it's the same thing.
It's effortless.
It's every time and he gets the same result over 90 percent of the time.
And if you've ever tried to get good at free throws, you can practice tirelessly.
You can perfect your form under the quiet hum of the fluorescent gym
light, the ball whispering through the net over and over and over again.
And when you find your groove and I've, been in this place where you think I might
not ever miss again until then immediately you clank one off the back of the iron.
But now let's talk about taking those skills into a
real game when it matters more.
How can you truly understand what you'll actually do when you're truly tested?
Because the theory may make perfect sense to you.
You can replicate the conditions of fatigue in a game late fourth quarter
when you, you won't even know if you have enough gas left in the tank.
So at practice, you find yourself just running drills and lines until
your legs just scream and your breath is coming out in shallow gasps.
And then you step to the line and you're going to practice sinking shot
after shot, even when you're fatigued.
And if you know where you'll be playing, you can even familiarize yourself with the
court and where the big game will happen.
And you can shoot free throws in the exact spot that you'll stand.
You can imagine and visualize, which is a wonderful thing, the roar of the crowd.
And at that moment you might think, okay, no, I think I'm good.
I think I've got this.
But then the moment actually comes.
So I got to do my best to set the stage here.
It's a championship game.
Score is 87 86.
You're down, but you were fouled while taking a shot.
But time had expired.
Suddenly the weight of it all is on your shoulders and you step
to the line and it's actually not the gym that you know anymore.
Maybe you're on the road.
You're deep in enemy territory.
And you're surrounded by thousands of fans who want
nothing more than to see you fail.
You're cramping.
The crowd is a living thing, a mix of jeers and boos and it's crashing
over you in these giant waves.
And they've even brought props and they're waving signs and inflatable
noodles and there's a sea of bright swirling colors and they are all
absolutely meant to distract you.
And you're in a gym that has a transparent glass backboard so you can actually
see the faces of the opposing crowd.
And fans are screaming insults and their eyes are just gleaming with insanity.
And they know what's at stake for their team.
You have to miss.
This is the part where they feel like they are actually the sixth man.
They are part of their team's success.
And you know this isn't just a game.
It's your legacy.
You miss, you're the scapegoat.
You're the one who let the team down.
And sure there were hundreds of plays that led up to this moment, but only the
diehard fan will ever remember any of the plays that others maybe failed to execute.
But pretty much everybody's going to remember the championship game when time
expired and you're that guy that either made the free throws or you missed them.
So you make them.
You are a hero.
You're immortalized in school lore.
Your name is whispered with reverence in future locker room pep talks.
You miss and people will actually move their children to the other side of
the street when they see you coming because they're afraid that whatever
it is that caused you to choke in that moment might actually start
to rub off on them or their kids.
So there you are again.
Your palms are just slick with sweat.
The ball feels heavier than it ever has before.
You bounce it once or twice and that is a loud echo and it
sounds louder than the crowd.
But your heart, that's even pounding even louder.
That's what you hear.
The rim looks small.
The distance actually looks very long, longer than it's ever been.
And you can feel the weight of your teammates stares and the
burning hope in their eyes.
And you can hear your coach's mantra ringing in your ears.
Focus on the mechanics, kid.
Trust the process.
But you have never been in this situation before.
Yeah, there's a process.
You want to trust it, you practice it, but this isn't practice.
This isn't the controlled environment where you train so diligently.
This is raw, unpredictable life.
And your body starts shaking with exhaustion.
And your mind fights to block out the noise and the stakes and
the crushing fear of failure.
All that preparation, all that practice brought you right here.
The practice can only carry you so far.
Because that moment demands something that you actually can't simulate.
It requires composure under pressure and the ability to quiet the storm in
your head and then summon your very best when everything around you is chaos.
And it's in that moment that you realize that really no amount of preparation could
fully prepare me for this very moment.
There's an acceptance there and you take a really deep breath and the crowd starts
to get even louder and then you shoot.
So I'm very curious.
Did you make it?
Yes.
Cause whether or not you made the shot in your mind, I don't
know, might actually say something about how you feel about yourself.
But the point I really wanted to emphasize is that there is a real gap between
preparation and real life execution.
And I'm saying that with, check that out.
Isn't that fascinating?
And more and more I'm hearing from listeners and clients who are
understanding they know the five rules of interacting with a narcissist.
They know how to raise their emotional baseline.
They know how to get their PhD in gaslighting.
They might even get out of unproductive conversations and they've set healthy
boundaries and they know that a boundary.
It's not an ultimatum.
It is a me thing.
If you do this, then I will, I will leave.
And they also finally embrace the fact that they can't give this other
person the aha moment or the epiphany.
And let's say that they're truly starting to appreciate and they're
practicing more and more of the four pillars of a connected conversation.
They're understanding now that in a narcissistic or emotionally immature
relationship, they're not necessarily assuming good intentions that this
person is not trying to hurt them.
But no, it's part B of that first pillar where they're saying, okay, there's a
reason why this person is showing up the way they are because they're emotionally
immature, because this is the way that they feel like they have to communicate.
And then.
They're embracing pillar two.
I can't tell that person that they're wrong or that's ridiculous, but I
do and I'm allowed to think that it is wrong and it is ridiculous.
But my, my goal is to stay in this ballgame.
So I go to pillar three questions before comments.
Tell me why.
Tell me why you said that.
Tell me where you were headed with that.
What's that like for you and pillar four?
I'm going to stay present.
I'm not going to go into a victim mindset.
I'm not going to say you're right.
I'm the world's worst human being because I don't need that
person to rescue me because I'm starting to learn that I'm okay.
And I know how to rescue myself.
So we've got those four pillars and the five rules of
interacting with a narcissist.
And we also have people that are telling me that they're really
understanding and appreciating the practice of being differentiated.
You know, having a strong, flexible sense of self.
Yeah.
of knowing who I am without needing someone else to tell me, and not
necessarily seeking external validation every chance I get, which leads to them
being able to calm their own mind, quiet their own heart, and soothe their own
anxiety, which then allows them to show up even more grounded, more present,
not overreacting, not playing small, and then understanding that discomfort
is this opportunity for me to grow.
And, dare I even say, That they are starting to learn how to construct
their crucible and those moments where they've reached gridlock and
they know that their partner is not going to have that aha moment, but
they also know what is best for them.
The things that they can say from a place of true integrity
even when they're emotionally mature, a narcissistic partner is not only not going
to reciprocate, but when the information that you are realizing you're willing
to die on a hill for may in fact be used as a very attack surface against you.
But then you get in that big game of life, you are grounded and you are calm.
And the narcissistic or emotionally immature partner in your life
finds new buttons to push.
Well, I'll I'll tell the kids that you wanted this divorce or the narcissistic
parent says, you know, I really don't like a lot of the parts of you that
I'm seeing and you just feel crushed.
That's your parent.
Where do you think you learn these things?
Well, I feel for you because you can learn everything you
can about almost anything.
But when you are in the game of life, you need your reps to get better.
Recently a client of mine who has been doing so amazingly well and their
healing journey was met with a very, very bad episode of being berated by a
family member and they were grounded.
And then they asked me what was wrong with me, which again, nothing.
That they were in that big game of life and they had never been in that
very situation as them before hearing the things that they were hearing.
So check that out, give themselves some grace because you were aware of
how you were showing up in that moment until your amygdala became hijacked.
And at that point, it was a little bit too late.
So let's start with some grace.
No shame.
You're not broken.
You're human.
Let's review the game film.
What am I pretending not to know?
Did I really think that this person would have that aha moment?
Where was I aware of what was happening that I was getting emotionally elevated
and why wasn't I able to leave because I thought I had a clear boundary in my mind.
If they continue to yell, then I will leave.
Well, as I'm saying this to you now, it might sound like it's, well, it's
just, it should just be that easy, but I want you to know that I know it's not.
Because I truly believe that you can't guide others to places that
you haven't explored first yourself.
And I want you to know that I create the content that I do and I work with the
population of clients that I do because I have and continue to be exploring the
places that I hope to help lead people to.
And I see you, I don't know what it feels like to be you in your
situation, but I've had many, many situations, even very recently where I
am differentiated until I'm not, where I'm a few pillars into my four pillars
and then they are just suddenly gone.
And in those moments, I do see my own emotional immaturity
on absolute full display.
Check that out.
As a matter of fact, yesterday I pull up to a store let my daughter,
her boyfriend and my wife out to grab something to make some cookies.
And I am far off to the side of the store, but I'm not parked.
I am up front.
It is busy.
I don't believe I'm in the way.
I'm in the way.
They're just grabbing one or two things, and my window is rolled down.
Thank you, Arizona, in mid November.
I see you.
And a guy walks by and says very passive aggressively under his breath.
That's not a parking place.
And I impulsively yell without looking up from my phone, Thank you!
Why?
I don't know.
Because I did.
Because the synapses in my brain fired and engaged with my vocal cords,
and my inner jerk impulsively and emotionally immaturely yelled, Thank you!
Not smart.
I dunno who this person was.
And had he returned, I was fully prepared to take ownership.
My bad.
I could pull in a space.
I think I'm special.
And this is a unique situation, which it truly isn't.
So your comments are not only good and fair, good, sir, but true.
But he didn't come back and I shared with my family, to which my wife said,
isn't that a little bit immature, to which of course I said, me, me, me, me.
I really didn't say that.
I said, yeah, that was more than a little bit mature.
It was extremely immature.
So own it and do better.
I really, I really want to do better.
With that in mind, I would like to invite you, whether it is your first time or
you're returning to check out the waking up to narcissism, premium question and
answer episodes on Apple podcasts, but even more so my new Patreon account.
So just head over to patreon.
com slash virtual couch and I'll have that in the show notes but there you will
find bonus content from both the Waking Up To Narcissism couch podcast plus more.
This truly brings me back to why I have shared that free throw
analogy because on Patreon.
I've decided to open up more about my own personal experiences with the
narcissist and the emotionally immature individuals in my own life, as well
as my own emotional immaturity, those challenges, the failures, and the
moments that have shaped, not just the content that I create, but also honest
to goodness, my personal growth, because as much as I believe in studying and
in reading and in preparing, you do ultimately have to get your reps in.
And for me, those reps have often involved learning through failure so
that when somebody in my life found just the right button or a combination
of buttons to press and all of a sudden I completely lose my cool,
that is an opportunity for me to grow.
And that is where I grow.
Absolutely.
And I have confidence that I will grow from those experiences.
Those are the stories that I don't typically share, except occasionally
with a client who assumes that just because I can articulate these concepts
and say these words that I must have perfect execution spoiler alert, I don't.
And that.
Listeners is perfectly okay.
So if you are curious or you want to dive deeper into these stories and more,
then check out the Patreon link in the show notes, or feel free to reach out to
me directly at contact at Tony overbay.
com and Patron will be where your questions will be answered and where I'll
share the kind of true vulnerability that doesn't always make it into the podcast.
And I'm actually really excited to share more of that from a very vulnerable place.
So let's get back to those cuts.
So I think it is very safe to say with this being the eighth installment of
the death by a thousand cut series of this metaphor really captures
what it feels like to be in a relationship with somebody who is
emotionally immature or narcissistic.
This feeling of these death by a thousand cuts, these little cuts
where eventually you bleed out.
And I think on several occasions, I try to explain the origin story of this phrase.
And what I'm very curious about is if even my finding of the origin
story has changed over time.
Have I confabulated that narrative?
The phrase actually has, it's a pretty intense origin story because it actually
comes from a ancient Chinese execution method called, I think it's Lingchi,
which was used up until 1905, where we can probably guess from the name of
what is involved, pretty grim stuff.
But here's why it is such a perfect metaphor for toxic relationships
and why I think it is that these episodes of the podcast have so
many more downloads than the others.
Because They just resonate.
They make sense.
This is where a lot of people start to realize that they're not
crazy, that they're human, and they're not in a great relationship.
They don't feel so alone.
So think about a paper cut.
And true story, I opened a cardboard box a few days ago, and I cardboard box cutted
me under a fingernail and it still hurts.
Man, that one, that was too big.
I think that that defeats the whole purpose of the concept of paper cuts.
But think about a paper cut.
One paper cut.
No big deal, right?
It can be very annoying, sure, but you probably don't mention
it to anybody unless you're really looking for validation.
But imagine getting paper cuts every single day in the same spots over
and over and over because that's what these relationships start to feel like.
Each little dig, each subtle eye roll, each forgotten promise
on their own, they seem small.
And that's why it's really hard to explain to friends or family why you are just
hurting so much in your relationship.
Because you, you try to explain it and often it comes out well, I mean,
they sighed really heavily when I got excited about my promotion.
And people look at you like, and that's it?
That just a sigh, isn't it?
But it's the thousands of sighs and the countless times that they've dampened
your joy and dismissed your feelings or made you second guess yourself or made
everything all of a sudden about them.
That's what makes this form of emotional abuse so insidious, because it's death
by a thousand little paper cuts, each one so small enough to dismiss, but together,
Together they will bleed you dry.
You will bleed out.
So today, I'm sharing stories from listeners who have experienced this
because sometimes putting words to these small wounds, I think is one of
the very first steps to healing them.
And all the names and situations have been changed and have been
given, and I've been given permission from those who have shared.
So let's jump into the world of family events.
This person says, Every time we visit my parents, which is about once a month, my
husband creates this cloud of tension.
Last Thanksgiving was typical.
He spent about 45 minutes in the shower when we needed to leave,
even though I'd reminded him of our departure time repeatedly.
And then when I knocked on the door, he said, Hey, can't can't
somebody get ready in peace?
You seem to get all the time that you want that he couldn't find his shoes,
which took another 10 to 15 minutes.
And he sure acted very lackadaisical trying to find them.
And we arrived an hour late and then he spent the entire dinner sighing heavily,
checking his watch, looking at his phone.
And when my mom asked, Hey would you like some more?
Then he muttered I mean, I guess so while scrolling on his phone
later, a sister of mine texted me saying, Hey, is everything okay?
Because you could really feel the tension.
And so then the next day, when I mentioned how his behavior affected
everybody, he said, Oh, I think you're the one that was being too sensitive.
I think everything was fine and that he was maybe just a little bit
tired, but you took it way too far.
So another guy wrote in and said that my mother in law has this way of making
my wife feel so small that it's so subtle that it's really hard to call
out at our daughter's birthday party.
A couple of months ago, my wife spent hours making a homemade
cake, which she's very good at.
And then when my mother in law arrived, she immediately said, Oh,
honey, did you make that yourself?
I would have ordered you one from that nice bakery downtown.
You're just so busy with work.
You shouldn't have to do all of this.
And then she spent the next hour telling everybody about the elaborate
parties that she used to throw for my wife and for her daughters.
But if you ask my wife and my sister in laws about that, they say
that that was not the case at all.
That their parties were constantly just this thing that
was put together last minute.
And then my mother in law would continually complain throughout
the remainder of the day that she wasn't appreciated for all
the hard work that she had done.
I have a couple of examples that were sent in about the workplace, which
I think are really fascinating too.
This person said, I led this big account presentation a couple of weeks ago, but
somehow then my name was left off of a followup meeting invitation, but I heard
about it and I went to the meeting.
Now, when I arrived, my boss acted really surprised.
Oh, did you want to join?
They said, I thought you were busy with some other projects.
But then the portion of the presentation came where that was
clearly my part of the presentation.
So I tried to jump in, but she interrupted me so many times
and gave me helpful corrections.
And then later I overheard her talking to her boss, the VP of the company, just
loud enough for everybody else to hear.
Do you think maybe that account is a little bit too much and too
complex for somebody at her level?
And so then when I finally got the courage to confront my boss, she said, Hey I
think you probably heard that wrong.
And I just want to make sure that we succeed.
It's a team effort after all.
This person said, yesterday I was texting my sister about her divorce
when my husband walked by and he just casually glanced at my screen and he
said, so, uh, how's your sister doing?
Even though I had not mentioned who I was texting at dinner, he brought up
how funny it is that some people just text all day and then asked me if I'd
been on my phone much today at all.
And when I went to take a work call later on in a different room,
he walked by twice with laundry.
He doesn't do the laundry.
He could have easily done that later.
And this morning he mentions that my screen time seems to be a little bit
higher lately as if he's been checking.
, if I mention this to people around me, they're going to say, well, just tell
him that, Hey, mind your own business.
Or, well, shouldn't you guys be pretty transparent anyway?
But.
If you have experienced this death by a thousand cuts, I think you can see that
this is just his way of just continually letting her know that he is checking
on her and that he doesn't approve of the things that she's doing without
having a mature adult conversation.
Here's another one.
A person said, I got a promotion last week after two years of
what I felt was very hard work.
When I came home and I told my husband, his first response was, Hey, that's nice.
I guess they did need to fill that position quickly since another
colleague of mine had left at a dinner with friends later that week when
one of my friends congratulated me about the promotion, he immediately
jumped in with a short story about his own promotion from a few years ago.
And then later he said, you're really lucky that they didn't check
your references from your old job.
And then meanwhile, he tells everybody who will listen about his
very minor sales victories at work.
It was like, he just couldn't let any of it be about me.
This one I put in the weaponized routines category.
A person said, I have to leave for work at 7.
30 sharp to make my train.
My wife knows this.
Last Wednesday was pretty typical.
She got into the shower at 7 using all the hot water, taking
25 minutes despite my knocking.
And when I mentioned it, she said, you should wake up earlier if you're so
worried about getting there on time.
So that evening, I had just finished deep cleaning the kitchen when she
came in, made a sandwich, and left crumbs everywhere and left a knife
out and butter was everywhere.
And when I sighed, she said, I'll clean it later.
She doesn't.
And this happens at least two or three times a week.
And it feels like I'm keeping score, but I'm starting to lose my mind.
Here's a financial manipulation example.
My dad insists on paying for my new laptop when mine broke, even
though I said that I can handle it.
Last week when I disagreed with him about a career choice that I wanted
to make, he casually mentioned, man, I hope that laptop's working out.
You know, that was a really big investment.
And then yesterday he took the family out to dinner for everybody.
He ordered expensive wine for all of us and then made a point of showing
my sister and me the bill before paying, saying, it's really good
that I can still provide for my kids.
And then later he commented on my clothes looking quote discount store quality
while showing off a new watch of his.
I've got a few examples of co parenting.
Just yesterday, I had told our son no more sweets before dinner
because he'd already had a cookie.
But as soon as I left the room, I heard my wife say, don't worry, one small
piece of chocolate's not gonna hurt.
We just won't tell dad.
He's being a little bit strict today.
At bedtime, when I said 8 30 was lights out, she said, maybe just one more show.
Mom's not as mean about bedtime.
And then this morning he woke up a little bit early and so she let
him play video games before school something that we've agreed on over
and over was only for weekends and then even my little son told me that I
was overreacting when I brought it up
okay I have a lot of them that I want to throw in the speed round category and
I'll comment about some of these more So let's first take on family events.
One woman said, My husband accidentally spilled wine on my sister's chair at
a holiday dinner, but then spent 20 minutes very loudly cleaning it up while
we were trying to open the presents.
It was as if he was trying to make this point that nobody was helping him.
So I think this one's really fascinating, because It just is about everything
needs to be about this person, even if it's them that spilled the wine.
And I can only imagine that I wonder what the excuses were about it.
Maybe the sister in law didn't have coasters out or a little
kid ran by, or maybe a brother in law filled the glass up too high.
But regardless, when the wine was spilt, why couldn't he just
clean up the wine and not make it about him and not huff and puff.
And this is where I go down the path of the emotionally immature.
Because if he really was upset because people were going ahead and
opening presents and he couldn't be as big of a participant because
he had spilled the wine, then this is where we need to use our big kid
words and be able to say, Hey, my bad.
I didn't mean to spill that.
Obviously that's on me.
Even if I want to ask him, can I get a little help or can you
guys just hang on a second?
I'll clean this up and I would love to be a part.
Of the present opening, the next person said, my wife answers work calls
during family photos, making everybody retake them multiple times when she
was finally confronted about it.
She said, sorry, but my clients need me.
And if you look in this world of emotional immaturity, and I'm not saying
that she doesn't have a very important job, but this is where I think that
the differentiation piece comes in.
If you are trying to show up in a more emotionally mature and emotionally
consistent way is that if you know that you have to make phone calls, can you
now have that personal boundary of that?
If people call during this time, then I will get back to them later.
Or if I really do need to, if there's a life and death situation, which I
guess you're the only one that knows, maybe you're a world famous neurologist.
And you've already said that when you get to this part of the brain
surgery, and I'm the only person that understands what's going to happen,
then yeah maybe give me a call.
Although I would maybe suggest to the world renowned brain surgeon that they
have that difficult conversation with the family and say, I am so sorry, but I don't
want to interrupt this family time with this potential part of the brain surgery.
I think I've gone too far with this example, but hopefully you can see where
I'm going from a healthy relationship place where either I need to be
able to set that boundary and I will deal with work things after because.
Hopefully you can tell that this starts to feel like this person is saying,
Hey, I just need everybody to validate me and know that I'm very important
and that I will, I will possibly have to step out of this situation that
we are all here for any minute , and then you guys won't appreciate me
enough because now you're complaining, even though see the aforementioned
comment that I'm very important.
This one, a wife said that my husband.
During our son's graduation spent 30 minutes looking for parking while we've
saved seats missing the whole processional then when my mom asked where he was
then he blamed me for not giving clear directions to the venue The taking
ownership of something I think is one of the biggest challenges to those who
are in relationships with emotionally immature Narcissistic people because
if you get somewhere late it is far more mature Consistent, trustworthy.
It is far more intimate and not from a validation seeking standpoint to
just take ownership and say, Oh man, I should have prepared sooner and I
will drop you guys off, but film the processional for me if I don't make it.
Because that's on me.
Or I'm willing to drop you guys off, park the closest place I can, and I will do
a dead sprint to make it there on time.
But that is a me thing.
I will take ownership of that.
And I think one of the difficult things when working with the
emotionally immature is you can watch somebody if it's that guy.
Let's say I'm working with a guy in that situation, where then instead
of him just saying, sitting with the discomfort, maybe acknowledging, maybe
this is something that I don't know that I don't know because I'm getting really
defensive that I will often hear that just this laundry list of then excuses.
Well, this isn't the first time that that's happened.
They don't take my Emotions into consideration very often and they don't
even appreciate me and my wife doesn't want to be intimate with me and my
kids They just sit on their phones all the time And that's where you start
to see how difficult it can be and trying to interact with the emotionally
mature narcissistic person Because they just deflect they don't want to
sit with any of that discomfort Where in reality learning how to just take
ownership and say man, That is my bad.
And I, that would be difficult if that the entire family now was worried
about how I'm going to show up when I walk back into the graduation.
And I think what's so difficult about these things too is whether it's a
graduation, whether it's a wedding, whatever the celebration is, and we're
coming up on Thanksgiving and the holidays and Christmas and you name it.
And so often you hear about the narcissistic or
emotionally immature person.
And I was going to quote air quote, but say ruining a holiday or a big event.
And it's because they all of a sudden feel like, okay, people aren't paying
enough attention to me, or look at all the things I have done to make
this thing happen, where I want the emotionally mature person to recognize.
And this is where you get that internal validation.
I'm grateful that I played a role that allowed this to happen.
Maybe it's gifts at Christmas.
Maybe it's having the entire family come in at Thanksgiving.
And it's, I've worked hard and been able to afford the things
that have allowed people to come to town and show up together.
But do I need a trophy for it?
Do I need a medal?
Do I need a plate of cookies for it?
If I do, first of all, acknowledge it.
Oh, check this out.
I'm noticing that I really am wanting people to say you're the best because
just the awareness of that is a big step.
This is one that I think is pretty funny too.
A guy wrote in and said that my wife volunteered to make deviled eggs for
Christmas dinner, and then forgot the paprika that my grandmother always uses.
I was never a big devil egg guy, and I still, I'm not quite sure if I am or
not, but I do know what the paprika is.
I think it's a little red stuff that goes on top of it.
I love it because my grandmother made those devil eggs as well, . His
wife forgets the paprika that he said my grandmother always uses.
And that sparked a 20 minute discussion about how now all of a
sudden she wanted to make it her own.
As if she were being judged by Randy from American Idol.
That's a really funny piece of business right there, by the way, if you're an old
school American Idol fan, but he said.
Versus admitting that she either forgot the paprika, maybe she
doesn't even like paprika, but she literally can't admit to anything
that she possibly did or got wrong.
And yes, I will allow the all or nothing statement because this
is what this listener wrote in.
I think maybe we're starting to see a little bit of a theme of today
of ownership and accountability.
And that it must feel scary to the emotionally immature to say, man, I
forgot, or I'm not sure, or that's on me.
But if you're a person who has gotten okay with the discomfort and you are starting
to take ownership for your, the things that you do in a relationship, I want
to tell you that can be so empowering because you can often feel the people
in the room that are disappointed.
And so then what do I do with the discomfort of that disappointment?
So typically I want to shift blame or I want to go, I want to play the
victim card, man, you guys, I've just been having such a rough day and then
the car and it's so hot and I was just worried and then people like, Hey, it's
okay versus me being able to say, my bad, I totally forgot to plan earlier.
I thought that it wouldn't take this long because then people can still
be allowed to have their feelings.
They can still be angry and that's okay.
And now you're making space for that because I am okay.
And I think that's one of the most powerful parts about, about being
differentiated is knowing that I am okay.
Starting to learn that the things that I'm doing, the things that I'm thinking,
the things that I'm feeling, the life that I'm experiencing is my experience.
And yeah, I am reacting.
I do say thank you out the window at a passerby who mumbles under their
breath that I'm not in a parking place.
But very quickly I had to acknowledge.
I'm actually not in a parking space.
And I want to say, well it didn't impact him.
That's me wanting to project my discomfort onto him.
And then have him take ownership of it.
Where, is there truth in what he's saying?
Absolutely.
Can I grow through that?
I think I can.
I'm still struggling a little bit with whether I would do
that again in the future.
Because I don't want to do it just because I felt bad.
I want to do it because maybe those feelings came up in me.
And that allowed me an opportunity to do a little self confrontation and growth.
Let's jump into the undermining parent in law.
Every visit, this person says that their mother in law says to her,
Oh, you're still breastfeeding.
That's kind of funny.
My children were all sleeping through the night at six months and with
formula, and they're very healthy now.
This person also said that she brings backup outfits for our kids
to family events just in case what mommy picked wasn't warm enough.
And make sure and lets my kids know that all the time.
She said, she also rearranges our kitchen cabinets during visits saying, I just
want to help you be more organized, like your sister in law is, and then sends
pictures to our family group chat showing how she fixed our home and reorganized
my cabinets, which then I need to go back and put the way that I want them later.
And she also said that at most every birthday, she brings up how she saved
all of her children's artwork and special albums, and she's scrapbook.
While glancing at our kids artwork, which is magnetized to the fridge
and says, do you ever organize these?
Or what do you do with these?
Do your kids actually like this?
. And let's go back to the world of professional sabotage.
One person said that a person in their group carbon copies my boss on just
routine emails with little subtle corrections to everybody else with the
phrase just keeping everybody in the loop.
But my boss doesn't have the courage to respond back and tell this
employee how annoying they think it is, like they are telling me.
So I'm seeing emotional immaturity in the workplace from a boss and a colleague.
Another person said that someone in their office takes personal calls on
their speakerphone right next to my desk and we're in a open cube farm
during client meetings that I'm having saying, I'm sorry, is this bothering you?
Then every project meeting, she restates my ideas five minutes after
I share them slightly reworded.
And the team now says, yeah, that's a great idea, Barbara.
When they were actually my suggestions initially, but I feel like I'm going to
be a baby if I try to speak up for myself.
Another person said, my boss always schedules important client
meetings for 8am knowing that I dropped my kids off at school.
So when I arrive at 815, he's already, sorry, we had to start without you.
And then I had some speed rounds of phone surveillance as well.
So here's what's difficult is isn't that funny?
I was going to say if this woman, and look at me being gender stereotyped.
She's talking about this person is talking about their boss is
scheduling these meetings at 8 a.
m Knowing that this person drops their kids off at school.
So I do not know if the person Who this person is that is
dropping the kids off at 815?
But what I would love to share or but what I might encourage is this is where
that crucible concept comes in Is this a hill that I'm willing to die on?
Because if so, then I need to be able to express myself from a place
of integrity, but I can see the difficulty here because if I'm saying
hey, I find it difficult that you are continually Scheduling meetings at 8 a.
m.
And I've been very clear and it's been Okayed by upper management that I do drop
my kids off on the way to work and that I arrive at 8 15 and that is on time.
So would you be able to schedule the meetings a little bit later at 8 15?
That's this person doing it from a place of integrity,
even if it's not reciprocated or even if it's not met well, but I think one
of the most difficult things about being differentiated and creating this
crucible in the job place is that there's a, an acceptance that it actually might
get worse for this employee, which I think is so difficult because here's
where I think sometimes people run into this battle of are they truly
operating from a place of integrity?
If they are continually stuffing their feelings and emotions, and then
they are playing into this scapegoat role in the workplace and being made
to feel small, just so that this other person can take that one up position.
So at times there has to be an acceptance that might, and I hate to say this, but
it could cost one their job if they want to truly come from a place of integrity.
But then it comes back to that.
What is this?
What is their integrity worth?
And I realize that's very easy for me to say as somebody that works for myself.
So I know that that's, that's difficult.
So let's go back to the world of phone surveillance
my husband gave me phone accessories for Christmas that let him see
my screen from across the room.
And he said, I just wanted you to be comfortable.
Never heard that one before.
Another one said, Sets up my find my phone on my device for emergencies and
then checks my location constantly.
Whenever my phone buzzes, he asks, Who's that?
Casually while walking behind my chair.
If I don't answer immediately he'll hover pretending to be
cleaning something nearby.
Another guy said, She memorized my phone password accidentally
by watching me enter it.
And then said, You know my memory.
It's just something that now I can't get out of my head.
But then mentions all the notifications that she saw when I was in the shower.
Oh, your mom messaged you from earlier.
And I go back to, again, this is a funny one because in emotionally healthy,
connected, mature relationships, I'm a big fan of people having their
passwords to their partner's phones.
And is there anything in my phone that I'm worried that somebody
is going to see or go through?
No.
And if you are, then that is maybe something that you can do a little
bit of self confrontation on.
Are you willing to take ownership of the fact that, hey, there are
some things on there that I'm not ultimately comfortable with you seeing?
And then knowing a good reason why, because I also believe that
people are allowed to have privacy.
But when you're in a mature adult relationship, hopefully you can see
where that can be difficult because why do I feel like there's something
that I can't share with my partner now,
because if it is something that is, is necessary to have some
privacy around, then can I.
Calmly and comfortably state the reasons why I need this privacy.
And then if my partner gets really upset, I can understand, I can empathetically
understand why that would be difficult because then at that point I'm saying,
Hey, I know it might be difficult, but I would, I would love your trust
on this right now, but if it gets too uncomfortable for you, then let me know.
And we can have a more mature conversation and we can continue to have
conversations around this because I really want you to feel heard and understood, but
there are just certain things that I need to protect because of whatever that is.
That reason is I put these under the category of achievement
diminishment, because I think there were several of these.
A person said that when I won an employee of the year award that my spouse
said, yeah, they always give it to a newcomer to just boost their morale.
Another person said, after I finished my first marathon, my
spouse said, Hey, it's great.
You finished, even if it wasn't under the four hours, like I think
the average marathon is, which.
I don't know if there's a, any truth to that or not.
I know there's a magical four hour mark, but there's nothing productive about
saying, Oh, I thought you were going to go faster or, well, is that even a good time?
Because this is a moment to just celebrate somebody's
accomplishment or their achievement.
Another person said, when I finished my master's degree, she told everybody at the
celebration dinner about how, when she was younger, she had actually gotten accepted
to Harvard, but chose to raise a family instead ending with, but your online
program, honey, that sounds nice too.
Another person said, after I had some artwork displayed in an opening at a
gallery, he spent the drive home talking about how his friend who makes real money
from art by doing corporate logos is the one that really has the art game figured
out instead of just doing paintings.
So here's a speed round under weaponized routines.
Return, he returns empty milk cartons to the fridge.
Well, I thought you'd want to recycle it yourself.
Or this guy said, my wife sets all the clocks 15 minutes fast quote to help
me be more punctual, but then doesn't tell me which ones, because she says
that if I'm always guessing, then I'll be more aware and more alert.
Every time I have an early meeting, she does a face mask routine in her
only bathroom, taking 45 minutes because, quote, skin care is important.
She works from home and she has no morning meetings.
Another person said he constantly forgets to transfer laundry to
the dryer only when I need my work clothes, saying, just buy more
clothes if you're so worried about it.
And then financial manipulation, this one, these get tough because the financial
piece I know is a big reason why some people do feel like they have to stay in
relationships and there is an acceptance there for some that is most likely
where one has to operate from as long as they need to, in order to try to get
their, I want to say affairs in order, but I feel like that's something from
maybe an eighties bond villain movie.
One guy said
he offers to split dinner, but then he forgets his wallet.
So then when I pay, he tells everybody about the expensive purse
that I bought for myself last month.
And he says, yeah, I could just never justify spending that much on myself.
This next one is one that I, boy the Venmo, the comments on Venmos are
really fascinating to me because I, I almost feel like as much as I use The
service myself, the comments, other than trying to make funny jokes about
them, I'm not really sure , if they're very helpful or very productive.
And this woman said, he'd been most me for his half of utilities with public
comments, like again, and a little crying face emoji or supporting your expensive
taste and leaving all the lights on.
And Hey, I didn't know we hated the environment so much
visible to all of our friends.
Tags me in social media posts about budgeting.
Oh, thought of you when I saw this guide for overspenders again, doing
this in the public forum announces my salary at family gatherings.
Hey, we're all family here.
No secrets.
I wish I knew more on that one.
The salary thing is a really fascinating one because I've worked with people
that have wanted to pretend that they do better than they, they do, except
For when it becomes a matter of someone else in the family needing something.
And now all of a sudden, Oh no, I don't do that.
Well, I do well.
I do really well when it's time to be admired for doing well.
But then if there's actually somebody that might need some help,
I just actually, we don't do that.
Co parenting undermining when I enforce our no iPad at restaurants rule,
she slips our daughter, her phone under the table, whispering, just
don't hold it up where daddy can see.
Here's another one that says, after I spent an hour helping with homework,
he comes in saying, let daddy help.
Mom's better at the creative stuff than math.
Despite I'm literally an accountant.
Buys noisy toys right before bedtime, but daddy lets them play drums before sleep.
I don't know if that one's literal, but I think we can see the point
or mom's rules don't count at fun.
Dad's house while giving them energy drinks at 8 PM.
Those both came from the same person.
Either that is a pretty interesting household, or maybe they have a
pension for grandiosity, shall we say?
. what did we learn today?
I think that the first big takeaway the power of patterns, because what
we saw, I think in all these stories about single incidents is that there's
a relentless repetition, you know, that snarky comments about your
coffee order, isn't just about coffee.
The slow walk to the car before your family event, isn't just about being late.
These are tactical behaviors that create an environment of tension
and constant anxiety and self doubt.
What are some things you can do?
I do recommend start keeping a simple journal.
And I used to say not to build the case, but a little bit of case building, but
more to recognize patterns, because when you see these behaviors written
down, you'll start noticing how.
Predictable.
They can be, and maybe sometimes strategic and that helps you move
from maybe I'm being too sensitive to, okay, this is a pattern.
And I think that maybe this is more of a pattern of control.
And maybe the second takeaway today would be the weaponization of plausible
deniability, because notice how nearly every example that we talked
about today could be explained away.
I was just joking or you're reading too much into things or the old classic.
That's not what I meant.
This isn't accidental.
It's a strategy that keeps you questioning your own reality, which then inflicts
yet another cut and unfortunately you end up wasting a tremendous amount
of your emotional calories, emotional energy, and time trying to make
sense of nonsense and wondering what is wrong with you when nothing is.
You're just trying to figure out how to improve a relationship, but
you're doing it blindfolded or with, with both arms tied behind your back.
So what can you do?
I really want you to start trusting your body's response because your anxiety
about taking a shower or checking your phone or enjoying a moment of relaxation.
Let's start looking at it as that's not paranoia.
That's your body keeping the score of all of those small cuts.
Your feelings are evidence, even when the behaviors seem like they're too
small to matter, because they're small enough that they do matter to you, even
if they don't matter to somebody else.
Maybe one more big takeaway, the importance of validation, because
I think a lot of listeners write in saying some version of the, I thought
I was the only one, or I didn't think anybody else would understand.
But these small wounds are designed to, to isolate you because they
seem so minor to other people.
But today we heard for the eighth installment how universal
these experiences actually are.
And I have plenty more that I can pull for episode nine . What can you do?
Share your story.
Whether in a support group or with a therapist who understands narcissistic
abuse or the emotional immaturity or the podcast community even.
When we share these small stories, we help others understand that they're not alone.
That they're not crazy and that these death by a thousand cuts
relationships are very real and they are very valid experiences.
Because I just want you to remember that no single paper cut is enough to make
you question your entire relationship.
And that's exactly why this form of emotional abuse is so effective.
But understanding these patterns, trusting your experience, your gut,
and sharing your story can be really powerful steps toward healing and
starting to reclaim your reality.
And then one more thing that I want to talk about, and I think this is crucial.
Self compassion.
Last week, over on the Virtual Couch podcast, I had my associates
and friends, Nate and Marla Christensen, on, and we talked about
the importance of self compassion.
And I highly recommend that episode, but it's based off of the work of Dr.
Kristen Neff.
And Dr.
Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin in their
Department of Educational Psychology.
And she's been credited with conducting the first academic
studies into self compassion.
And her research shows that self compassion is not just
being nice to yourself.
She has 20 years of data now that show it's about treating
yourself with the same kindness that you would show a good friend.
Because think about it, if your friend told you that they were feeling
anxious about taking a shower in their own home, or nervous about smiling
at their phone, would you tell them that they're being too sensitive?
Of course not.
Or if you would, but you're being a weenie.
And I worry that too often when people do hear things like, would you talk to your
friend the way that you talk to yourself?
People in my very office have said, yeah, actually, I think I would.
Well, again, it's a jerk move.
So hopefully you'd recognize their pain and you'd validate their experience.
So this is especially important for survivors of the death by a
thousand cuts types of relationships.
Because, we've often internalized the message that our feelings are
too much, or that we're overreacting.
And guess what?
You are not too much, and you're not overreacting.
Your feelings are there because,
they are.
And self compassion has three key elements.
Self kindness, instead of self judgment.
Recognizing our common humanity, instead of feeling isolated.
And then, mindfulness of our emotions, instead of avoiding them.
Because when you catch yourself thinking I should be over this by now, or why
am I so affected by such small things?
Pause.
Acknowledge that your pain is real, and that you're not alone in these
experiences, and that your feelings are a natural response to the ongoing
emotional trauma, and your sensitivity isn't a weakness, it's your humanity
showing through, despite somebody else's attempts to diminish it.
You are okay, you're not broken, you're human, and this is the very first time
that you are going through life as you.
Check that out because you are this beautiful combination of your nature
and your nurture and your birth order and your DNA, your abandonment your
rejection, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, all of these things that make
you, you, because you're the only one who knows what it feels like to be you.
Now, sure, we grew up needing validation from our parents.
We grew up afraid of this abandonment and , we worry that if we're alone, we will die.
But you're going to be okay.
And you're going to start to figure these things out.
And a big piece of that is learning how to trust yourself, trust your gut.
And even if that doesn't mean you are necessarily taking action on
things today, after listening to this podcast, you're just now starting
to know what you didn't know before.
And that is part of this process of becoming or this path of enlightenment.
You didn't know what you didn't know.
Now, so hard to implement things or what do I do?
And over time, you're going to do the things that you are learning
about more than you don't.
And at some point you become.
And that interior landscape of your mind or what it feels like to be
you this concept of the implicit memory, which is based on the
slow residue of lived experience.
We'll start to change.
And I promise this is the part where one cannot lead someone to a place
that they've never been before.
And I want to promise you that when you really invest in this work on
loving yourself, self compassion, self care, that over time, what it feels
like to be yourself is pretty good.
And your default can change from the what's wrong with me, or I
don't even want to engage in life, or I don't want to deal with these
uncomfortable things to I am present.
I, I will figure this out.
Check that out.
These are thoughts and feelings and emotions.
And I'm going to grab hold of the ones that I think are really helpful
and productive to me because I'm aware of who I am and what values I
really want to go after in my life.
So if you have questions, thoughts, experiences, please reach out
to me at contactattonioverbay.
com.
I would love your stories of the death by a thousand cuts.
I hope you will find me on Patreon and let's continue to
go on this journey together.
And I hope you have an amazing and wonderful week and I will see you
next time on Waking Up to Narcissism.