WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:00.062 --> 00:00:00.502 Hey, everybody. 00:00:00.502 --> 00:00:03.102 Before we get to today's episode let me just come clean. 00:00:03.172 --> 00:00:06.082 This is the same episode that was released last week the eighth 00:00:06.082 --> 00:00:07.842 installment of Death by a Thousand Cuts. 00:00:08.302 --> 00:00:11.052 But a funny thing happened between originally recording the episode 00:00:11.292 --> 00:00:12.612 and hitting the publish button. 00:00:12.812 --> 00:00:17.212 Let me first say that I am going to give you a bonus speed round of new Death 00:00:17.212 --> 00:00:20.992 by a Thousand Cuts material right after I share the story, and right before we 00:00:20.992 --> 00:00:23.332 get to the Riley Hope song, Not My Job. 00:00:23.552 --> 00:00:26.442 Now, I am a huge fan of accountability, and I wish I could say that I've always 00:00:26.442 --> 00:00:28.992 been a fan, but I do think that for most people it can be pretty difficult 00:00:29.002 --> 00:00:31.862 to want to take ownership when we've done something that disappoints 00:00:31.872 --> 00:00:35.112 somebody that we care about, or that we may not want to think of ourselves 00:00:35.152 --> 00:00:39.302 as somebody who did what we did that is disappointing, even if it's to ourselves, 00:00:39.302 --> 00:00:41.552 or maybe somebody who doesn't follow through on things that you commit to. 00:00:41.658 --> 00:00:45.448 . But I will take ownership that from the time I record a podcast to the 00:00:45.458 --> 00:00:48.198 time it's released, there's maybe a day or two in between to do the editing. 00:00:48.608 --> 00:00:51.958 And I have my daughter Sydney cut up some clips for social media, 00:00:52.008 --> 00:00:53.368 and then we are off to the races. 00:00:53.908 --> 00:00:56.688 I have had other people edit the episodes in the past, and while I 00:00:56.688 --> 00:01:00.438 think that would Truthfully be a better use of my time to farm that out. 00:01:00.438 --> 00:01:01.348 I kind of like the editing. 00:01:01.368 --> 00:01:04.658 It's satisfying as the kids say, but knowing that I'll be editing it. 00:01:04.948 --> 00:01:07.698 If I say something in the way that I don't like it, when I'm recording, I'll 00:01:07.698 --> 00:01:11.228 pause, I'll repeat it, or I'll just hesitate in the middle of a sentence 00:01:11.238 --> 00:01:12.348 and then I'll say it another way. 00:01:12.708 --> 00:01:16.518 And I just know that I will eventually get to that and I'll, I'll make 00:01:16.518 --> 00:01:18.308 it sound okay in post production. 00:01:18.633 --> 00:01:19.963 I guess is the fancy way to say that. 00:01:20.243 --> 00:01:22.553 Or I'll realize the story that I'm trying to convey actually makes no 00:01:22.553 --> 00:01:25.773 sense, and I'll start it all over again, and sometimes again, and again. 00:01:26.213 --> 00:01:30.213 Well, I had this grand idea to record things ahead of time, to have 00:01:30.213 --> 00:01:31.653 a couple of episodes in the can. 00:01:31.823 --> 00:01:34.883 So I recorded this episode of Death by a Thousand Cuts, and then I 00:01:34.883 --> 00:01:35.953 left it in the software to edit. 00:01:36.513 --> 00:01:39.663 And then I recorded the episode on antagonistic attachment styles, 00:01:39.693 --> 00:01:42.113 which I highly recommend because that is such a fascinating subject. 00:01:42.453 --> 00:01:43.953 And I edited and released that one. 00:01:44.003 --> 00:01:46.753 And then I did a virtual couch episode and edited and released that. 00:01:47.403 --> 00:01:50.833 And then I remembered I had a Death by a Thousand Cuts already recorded. 00:01:51.083 --> 00:01:53.353 And I thought, okay, this is why you put things in the can. 00:01:53.573 --> 00:01:55.543 So I just kind of spaced the editing part. 00:01:55.543 --> 00:01:58.503 I released it a couple of days before Thanksgiving and I heard about it. 00:01:58.878 --> 00:01:59.928 Boy, did I hear about it. 00:01:59.928 --> 00:02:03.698 Thank you very much for those who wrote in because I, at that point I had several 00:02:03.698 --> 00:02:07.078 thousand downloads go out , and many people shared with me audio issues. 00:02:07.198 --> 00:02:10.968 There were gaps, there were repeated words and phrases, and I started putting these 00:02:10.968 --> 00:02:14.798 pieces together the day or two after it was released, which was Thanksgiving. 00:02:15.108 --> 00:02:18.968 I couldn't get the episode edited fast enough, but then I had a struggle 00:02:18.968 --> 00:02:22.168 replacing the file with my podcast host because they were on break. 00:02:23.013 --> 00:02:25.273 Then yesterday, Monday, I heard back from them and there were 00:02:25.273 --> 00:02:28.113 still some issues some, something to do with file permissions. 00:02:28.113 --> 00:02:30.113 And so the file still wasn't replaced. 00:02:30.163 --> 00:02:35.783 So I took it down and I decided to re release the episode today and Let you 00:02:35.783 --> 00:02:39.203 in on a little behind the scenes info, I appreciate your patience, and I so 00:02:39.203 --> 00:02:43.533 appreciate the support the reason I wanted to Re release it is that these death by 00:02:43.533 --> 00:02:47.333 a thousand cuts episodes are easily some of the most downloaded And I think it's 00:02:47.333 --> 00:02:50.333 because they help a lot of people feel seen maybe for the first time and they 00:02:50.333 --> 00:02:54.063 don't feel as crazy When they hear that there are just these little cuts that are 00:02:54.063 --> 00:02:57.403 in the relationship and when you explain them to somebody else They don't really 00:02:57.403 --> 00:03:00.873 understand those or they want to just tell you it's not that big of a deal I 00:03:00.873 --> 00:03:05.033 really wanted to present this episode in a way that I think does it justice here's 00:03:05.033 --> 00:03:08.983 the episode with the edits and the pauses taken care of and thanks to all of those 00:03:08.983 --> 00:03:13.103 who wrote in I really appreciate it and if you have examples in your own life 00:03:13.103 --> 00:03:16.333 of death by a thousand cuts, please send them to me at contact at tonyoverbay. 00:03:16.333 --> 00:03:19.833 com because I will continue to do this death by a thousand cut series. 00:03:20.183 --> 00:03:23.283 So now, as I did promise, I got a few emails recently that did not 00:03:23.293 --> 00:03:28.053 make it into the episode, and I think that they are very episode worthy. 00:03:28.063 --> 00:03:29.243 So here's a few more examples. 00:03:29.243 --> 00:03:32.773 We'll call it a quick speed round of more cuts, and then we'll ease 00:03:32.773 --> 00:03:34.863 right into Riley song, not my job. 00:03:36.153 --> 00:03:39.653 A person said I asked my husband repeatedly to please keep the blinds in 00:03:39.653 --> 00:03:43.153 our bathroom shut for privacy because it looks right in on the house next door, 00:03:43.443 --> 00:03:46.613 but then he continually leaves them open because he says he keeps forgetting. 00:03:46.943 --> 00:03:51.253 So I finally taped them shut because I'm the one that is being exposed and 00:03:51.253 --> 00:03:53.263 when he saw that he just got furious. 00:03:53.813 --> 00:03:56.013 Another person said, whenever I would suggest a solution to a problem that we 00:03:56.013 --> 00:04:00.463 were facing, he would immediately tell me why it won't work because of X or Y or Z. 00:04:00.773 --> 00:04:03.013 And then typically a few days later, then he would successfully 00:04:03.013 --> 00:04:05.673 adopt that solution and never acknowledged that it was my idea. 00:04:06.103 --> 00:04:09.103 I've done an episode or two where we've talked about this, about the 00:04:09.103 --> 00:04:12.453 attack surface, where the emotionally immature or narcissistic person, they 00:04:12.453 --> 00:04:15.703 just need you to put something in front of them so they can knock it down 00:04:15.713 --> 00:04:16.923 and put them in the one up position. 00:04:17.373 --> 00:04:21.343 Because it's hard for the emotionally immature or narcissistic person To, as we 00:04:21.343 --> 00:04:24.843 kind of alluded to earlier in this in this intro, to take ownership of something as 00:04:24.843 --> 00:04:27.853 simple as saying, Oh, I didn't know that, or I hadn't thought about it that way. 00:04:28.258 --> 00:04:32.108 So then later, now it was their idea, even though you're the one that first said it. 00:04:32.798 --> 00:04:34.848 Another person said, I had an important business meeting that I 00:04:34.848 --> 00:04:36.508 really wanted him to join in person. 00:04:36.538 --> 00:04:37.828 I thought that that would be very helpful. 00:04:38.058 --> 00:04:38.888 And so he agreed. 00:04:39.098 --> 00:04:42.568 And then I sent a calendar request, which he accepted, but then the morning 00:04:42.568 --> 00:04:46.128 of the meeting, he informed me that he could not attend because he was going 00:04:46.138 --> 00:04:47.688 on a long bike ride with his friends. 00:04:47.688 --> 00:04:50.708 And then he also said, but actually I never even committed 00:04:50.778 --> 00:04:51.528 to being at the meeting. 00:04:51.528 --> 00:04:54.748 And I didn't even know for sure if you were having the meeting, which I could go 00:04:54.748 --> 00:04:56.778 back to and show him the calendar invite. 00:04:58.093 --> 00:05:01.463 Another person said, when I asked her to get help with her anger issues, 00:05:01.803 --> 00:05:05.583 her usual response was by aggressively stating, I don't have anger issues. 00:05:06.713 --> 00:05:10.893 Another person said that , their spouse wanted to put a very unattractive 00:05:10.903 --> 00:05:15.043 fence on a property that they had gone in on and invested together. 00:05:15.673 --> 00:05:18.563 But this person said that they really didn't like what that fence looked like. 00:05:18.563 --> 00:05:21.983 And could they just put a little pause on this and talk about it at a later date? 00:05:21.983 --> 00:05:25.143 But then that weekend they woke up to workers installing 00:05:25.143 --> 00:05:26.223 it without their permission. 00:05:26.223 --> 00:05:29.353 Another person shared that their spouse decided to put a putting 00:05:29.353 --> 00:05:33.593 green in their backyard, even though he was not much of a golfer. 00:05:34.293 --> 00:05:36.743 And then eventually the putting green was not used. 00:05:36.763 --> 00:05:38.903 It got moldy and it became an eyesore. 00:05:38.903 --> 00:05:41.913 Another person wrote in to talk about COVID and said how much of a nightmare 00:05:41.913 --> 00:05:43.353 it was despite my constant requests. 00:05:43.903 --> 00:05:46.903 My spouse refused to abide by safety guidelines, but then of 00:05:46.903 --> 00:05:50.113 course they got COVID and they became so dramatic at one point. 00:05:50.133 --> 00:05:53.423 They were so annoyed by their own coughing that they started kicking 00:05:53.443 --> 00:05:55.323 a metal garbage can in rage. 00:05:55.683 --> 00:05:57.853 Then later, when we talked about that in a therapy session, 00:05:57.853 --> 00:05:59.133 they denied that ever happened. 00:05:59.303 --> 00:06:02.453 I got home and I looked at the dented garbage can . Then I pointed that out 00:06:02.453 --> 00:06:06.853 and said, did this didn't just get in here themselves to which then I was 00:06:06.853 --> 00:06:10.223 told that I was the one that was being too dramatic and that I had tried 00:06:10.223 --> 00:06:11.693 to make them look bad in therapy. 00:06:11.693 --> 00:06:14.853 Another person wrote in and said that their spouse has had a lot 00:06:14.853 --> 00:06:18.373 of inappropriate interactions with members of the opposite sex, but when 00:06:18.373 --> 00:06:19.543 they've shared their displeasure. 00:06:20.013 --> 00:06:23.103 Their spouse has never acknowledged it or apologized. 00:06:23.203 --> 00:06:26.333 Instead, they turn it back around to imply that I'm the one that's 00:06:26.333 --> 00:06:30.453 insecure, and that I don't trust them, And now they want me to apologize. 00:06:30.453 --> 00:06:32.533 Another person wrote in to say, Is there such a thing as a 00:06:32.533 --> 00:06:35.083 diagnosis of bipolar in your car? 00:06:35.983 --> 00:06:39.453 They said that their husband Continually rages and has outbursts at traffic. 00:06:39.783 --> 00:06:42.463 But then when they are not raging and outbursting at traffic, 00:06:42.643 --> 00:06:46.203 then they talk about how much I outburst and rage at traffic. 00:06:46.243 --> 00:06:50.423 I believe that's called projection, but then I'm supposed to take ownership of 00:06:50.423 --> 00:06:55.433 things that I'm not doing and validate how amazing he is when he drives. 00:06:55.433 --> 00:06:57.933 So while I don't believe that is an official diagnosis, 00:06:57.963 --> 00:06:58.983 it's not really a bad idea. 00:06:59.213 --> 00:07:00.543 So I'll see what I can do about that. 00:07:00.543 --> 00:07:04.353 Another person wrote in and said, I could write a book on all of the 00:07:04.353 --> 00:07:05.993 death by a thousand cuts examples. 00:07:06.563 --> 00:07:09.563 But my hope is one day that I'll look back and I'll laugh at all of this nonsense. 00:07:09.563 --> 00:07:13.093 But for now, it does still sting and I'm working on healing the wounds. 00:07:40.731 --> 00:07:44.371 So thank you, Riley Hope, for your song, Not My Job. 00:07:44.661 --> 00:07:47.401 That is, is an earworm always. 00:07:47.431 --> 00:07:48.261 Is it a bad thing? 00:07:48.311 --> 00:07:51.761 Because that is in my head constantly and I think it's a good thing, but 00:07:51.761 --> 00:07:54.651 it's so applicable to what we are going to talk about today and you 00:07:54.732 --> 00:07:59.791 can find information about Riley Hope on her Instagram, or I will have the 00:07:59.881 --> 00:08:02.871 links to all of the places that you can find Not My Job in the show notes. 00:08:03.356 --> 00:08:04.846 And please follow her on social media. 00:08:04.846 --> 00:08:06.466 Look for her song, wherever you listen to podcasts. 00:08:06.916 --> 00:08:10.796 So let's start today's episode with a poem from a listener. 00:08:10.826 --> 00:08:13.526 The poem is called the thousand little paper cuts. 00:08:14.496 --> 00:08:16.516 They say love shouldn't hurt, but here's the thing. 00:08:16.616 --> 00:08:18.556 It's not the giant wounds that make us sing. 00:08:18.976 --> 00:08:20.806 It's the tiny paper cuts day after day. 00:08:20.896 --> 00:08:21.716 I'm just trying to help. 00:08:21.736 --> 00:08:25.036 They love to say a sigh here and I roll there. 00:08:25.096 --> 00:08:26.476 Did you really need to buy that pair? 00:08:27.016 --> 00:08:29.236 I've forgotten birthday, a backhanded praise. 00:08:29.536 --> 00:08:32.226 You look so good for someone your age. 00:08:32.851 --> 00:08:37.051 The dishes left just one or two, the plans changed last minute, nothing new, 00:08:37.451 --> 00:08:40.681 the subtle digs about your friends, the jokes that never make amends. 00:08:41.351 --> 00:08:45.091 A thousand cuts so small, so slight, each one too tiny for a fight, 00:08:45.601 --> 00:08:49.211 but add them up day after day and watch your joy just slip away. 00:08:49.771 --> 00:08:52.941 So here's the healing every nick to seeing through each little trick, 00:08:53.391 --> 00:08:57.141 because paper cuts, though small they be, can slice right through your sanity. 00:08:58.036 --> 00:08:59.366 So thank you to that listener. 00:08:59.726 --> 00:09:04.066 And another person sent me in a limerick, and it goes like this. 00:09:04.686 --> 00:09:08.176 There once was a spouse oh so sweet, whose cuts made my life incomplete. 00:09:08.506 --> 00:09:11.016 Each shab was so small, you'd see none at all, till I found 00:09:11.016 --> 00:09:12.316 myself knocked off my feet. 00:09:13.316 --> 00:09:13.906 So you guessed it. 00:09:13.916 --> 00:09:17.416 We are talking about cuts today and we are talking to thousands and thousands 00:09:17.416 --> 00:09:21.946 of cuts, paper cuts, I don't know, cuts with small knives, cuts with fingernails, 00:09:21.946 --> 00:09:26.196 you name it, but thousands of tiny cuts and that they make up what it 00:09:26.196 --> 00:09:29.206 feels like often to be somebody that's in a relationship with somebody with 00:09:29.206 --> 00:09:33.086 narcissistic traits and tendencies or the incredibly emotionally immature. 00:09:33.766 --> 00:09:34.356 Hey, everybody. 00:09:34.556 --> 00:09:35.916 Welcome to of waking up to narcissism. 00:09:35.916 --> 00:09:37.096 I am your host, Tony Overbay. 00:09:37.416 --> 00:09:41.866 I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and a host of a variety of 00:09:41.866 --> 00:09:46.106 podcasts, including the virtual couch and the mind, the mirror and me with 00:09:46.106 --> 00:09:49.566 my daughter, Mackie murder on the couch with my daughter, Sid love ADHD with 00:09:49.566 --> 00:09:54.536 Julie Lee, and also one that I haven't talked enough about the Q and a files. 00:09:54.556 --> 00:09:57.146 This is a really fun podcast venture that I've done with my 00:09:57.146 --> 00:09:58.566 friends, Jeff and Tricia Jamison. 00:09:58.856 --> 00:10:01.296 Tricia is a life coach and Dr. 00:10:01.296 --> 00:10:05.926 Jeff is a board certified physician and I am a marriage and family therapist. 00:10:05.956 --> 00:10:09.506 And you put the three of us together and we get questions from listeners 00:10:09.736 --> 00:10:13.286 and then we answer them from our three different, I don't want to say 00:10:13.286 --> 00:10:17.406 modalities, but just we all have slightly different takes on how we would react 00:10:17.406 --> 00:10:19.016 or answer certain people's questions. 00:10:19.286 --> 00:10:22.186 And I bring that up because we've been doing a lot of questions lately 00:10:22.206 --> 00:10:25.026 around narcissism and emotional immaturity in relationships. 00:10:25.326 --> 00:10:28.276 And what I love about it is I like coming at it from the therapist angle. 00:10:28.586 --> 00:10:31.656 Trisha Jamison has a lot of experience in working with people who are in 00:10:31.656 --> 00:10:34.606 relationships also with people that are emotionally immature and narcissistic. 00:10:34.656 --> 00:10:38.056 And she has a lot of very, very good practical advice for people that 00:10:38.056 --> 00:10:41.506 often feel stuck , and she has a really nice way to help you Raise that 00:10:41.506 --> 00:10:44.466 emotional baseline and get in touch with your values, which puts you in 00:10:44.466 --> 00:10:47.926 a position to be better your best self when you're interacting with, or 00:10:47.926 --> 00:10:51.016 trying to navigate or figure out your relationship with your narcissistic 00:10:51.016 --> 00:10:52.096 or emotionally immature partner. 00:10:52.466 --> 00:10:52.976 And then Dr. 00:10:52.976 --> 00:10:56.736 Jeff, as a doctor talks about a lot of the body keeps the score vibes. 00:10:57.026 --> 00:10:59.626 So I highly recommend you go find that I'll put the link in the 00:10:59.626 --> 00:11:01.606 show notes, the Q and a files. 00:11:01.626 --> 00:11:04.946 And I'm planning on running a bonus episode here on waking up to narcissism 00:11:04.966 --> 00:11:08.236 in the not too distant future, but I would recommend go subscribe to that right now. 00:11:09.266 --> 00:11:12.976 So before we get to the cut examples, and we have a lot of them today, including a 00:11:12.976 --> 00:11:17.726 new segment that I am calling the Speed Round of Death by a Thousand Cuts, I 00:11:17.726 --> 00:11:21.876 would really like to invite you all to jump on board my train of thought. 00:11:22.231 --> 00:11:25.941 And you're getting on a couple of stops back from the actual 00:11:25.941 --> 00:11:27.271 destination that we're headed. 00:11:27.961 --> 00:11:30.231 So bear with me because we're going to go through probably a little 00:11:30.231 --> 00:11:33.331 bit of a landscape that you may not recognize, but I hope you can trust 00:11:33.331 --> 00:11:36.451 me when I say that I think you really will appreciate the destination, 00:11:36.501 --> 00:11:39.521 so we're going to talk about shooting free throws and basketball, something 00:11:39.521 --> 00:11:42.391 that while I can imagine not everybody has done, but I'm hoping you've maybe 00:11:42.391 --> 00:11:43.661 even watched somebody else do it. 00:11:44.191 --> 00:11:46.511 And if you've thought yeah, I could do that or why, why 00:11:46.511 --> 00:11:47.261 aren't they better at that? 00:11:47.261 --> 00:11:49.501 If that's what they continually practice or that's their job. 00:11:50.031 --> 00:11:54.081 So the brilliant thing about free throws is that you can spend years mastering 00:11:54.081 --> 00:11:55.331 the art of shooting free throws. 00:11:55.331 --> 00:11:58.501 You can read about free throws, you can dive into the theory, the ideal 00:11:58.521 --> 00:12:03.041 arc, the perfect follow through, the physics, the spin, the trajectory, and 00:12:03.041 --> 00:12:06.721 you can watch endless hours of game footage of legends everywhere from Rick 00:12:06.731 --> 00:12:11.141 Barry, who had a very unconventional, but very deadly underhand shot, aka the 00:12:11.141 --> 00:12:13.671 granny shot, or we go to modern day. 00:12:13.836 --> 00:12:17.406 Somebody like Steph Curry, who's effortless precision just seems almost 00:12:17.406 --> 00:12:19.146 robotic and it's the same thing. 00:12:19.146 --> 00:12:19.646 It's effortless. 00:12:19.646 --> 00:12:22.826 It's every time and he gets the same result over 90 percent of the time. 00:12:23.576 --> 00:12:26.586 And if you've ever tried to get good at free throws, you can practice tirelessly. 00:12:26.586 --> 00:12:30.366 You can perfect your form under the quiet hum of the fluorescent gym 00:12:30.366 --> 00:12:34.266 light, the ball whispering through the net over and over and over again. 00:12:34.296 --> 00:12:37.566 And when you find your groove and I've, been in this place where you think I might 00:12:37.566 --> 00:12:40.306 not ever miss again until then immediately you clank one off the back of the iron. 00:12:40.926 --> 00:12:43.446 But now let's talk about taking those skills into a 00:12:43.446 --> 00:12:45.286 real game when it matters more. 00:12:45.876 --> 00:12:51.136 How can you truly understand what you'll actually do when you're truly tested? 00:12:51.676 --> 00:12:53.596 Because the theory may make perfect sense to you. 00:12:54.006 --> 00:12:56.966 You can replicate the conditions of fatigue in a game late fourth quarter 00:12:56.966 --> 00:12:59.389 when you, you won't even know if you have enough gas left in the tank. 00:12:59.689 --> 00:13:02.349 So at practice, you find yourself just running drills and lines until 00:13:02.349 --> 00:13:05.409 your legs just scream and your breath is coming out in shallow gasps. 00:13:05.409 --> 00:13:09.009 And then you step to the line and you're going to practice sinking shot 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:10.539 after shot, even when you're fatigued. 00:13:11.209 --> 00:13:13.739 And if you know where you'll be playing, you can even familiarize yourself with the 00:13:13.739 --> 00:13:15.424 court and where the big game will happen. 00:13:15.424 --> 00:13:18.319 And you can shoot free throws in the exact spot that you'll stand. 00:13:18.319 --> 00:13:21.369 You can imagine and visualize, which is a wonderful thing, the roar of the crowd. 00:13:22.409 --> 00:13:24.759 And at that moment you might think, okay, no, I think I'm good. 00:13:24.839 --> 00:13:25.669 I think I've got this. 00:13:26.394 --> 00:13:28.894 But then the moment actually comes. 00:13:29.504 --> 00:13:31.704 So I got to do my best to set the stage here. 00:13:31.744 --> 00:13:32.674 It's a championship game. 00:13:33.214 --> 00:13:34.424 Score is 87 86. 00:13:34.454 --> 00:13:36.994 You're down, but you were fouled while taking a shot. 00:13:37.344 --> 00:13:38.404 But time had expired. 00:13:38.424 --> 00:13:40.924 Suddenly the weight of it all is on your shoulders and you step 00:13:40.924 --> 00:13:43.884 to the line and it's actually not the gym that you know anymore. 00:13:44.154 --> 00:13:44.944 Maybe you're on the road. 00:13:44.994 --> 00:13:46.484 You're deep in enemy territory. 00:13:46.949 --> 00:13:49.259 And you're surrounded by thousands of fans who want 00:13:49.269 --> 00:13:51.069 nothing more than to see you fail. 00:13:51.419 --> 00:13:52.239 You're cramping. 00:13:52.269 --> 00:13:56.319 The crowd is a living thing, a mix of jeers and boos and it's crashing 00:13:56.319 --> 00:13:58.269 over you in these giant waves. 00:13:58.589 --> 00:14:01.069 And they've even brought props and they're waving signs and inflatable 00:14:01.069 --> 00:14:04.049 noodles and there's a sea of bright swirling colors and they are all 00:14:04.329 --> 00:14:06.349 absolutely meant to distract you. 00:14:07.019 --> 00:14:10.369 And you're in a gym that has a transparent glass backboard so you can actually 00:14:10.369 --> 00:14:11.959 see the faces of the opposing crowd. 00:14:12.419 --> 00:14:16.079 And fans are screaming insults and their eyes are just gleaming with insanity. 00:14:16.569 --> 00:14:18.709 And they know what's at stake for their team. 00:14:18.739 --> 00:14:19.549 You have to miss. 00:14:19.789 --> 00:14:22.559 This is the part where they feel like they are actually the sixth man. 00:14:22.979 --> 00:14:24.449 They are part of their team's success. 00:14:25.124 --> 00:14:27.074 And you know this isn't just a game. 00:14:27.144 --> 00:14:28.004 It's your legacy. 00:14:28.384 --> 00:14:29.794 You miss, you're the scapegoat. 00:14:29.984 --> 00:14:31.134 You're the one who let the team down. 00:14:31.414 --> 00:14:35.234 And sure there were hundreds of plays that led up to this moment, but only the 00:14:35.234 --> 00:14:39.444 diehard fan will ever remember any of the plays that others maybe failed to execute. 00:14:39.484 --> 00:14:43.244 But pretty much everybody's going to remember the championship game when time 00:14:43.244 --> 00:14:47.854 expired and you're that guy that either made the free throws or you missed them. 00:14:48.504 --> 00:14:49.094 So you make them. 00:14:49.174 --> 00:14:50.164 You are a hero. 00:14:50.234 --> 00:14:52.004 You're immortalized in school lore. 00:14:52.264 --> 00:14:55.264 Your name is whispered with reverence in future locker room pep talks. 00:14:55.804 --> 00:14:59.014 You miss and people will actually move their children to the other side of 00:14:59.014 --> 00:15:01.364 the street when they see you coming because they're afraid that whatever 00:15:01.364 --> 00:15:05.114 it is that caused you to choke in that moment might actually start 00:15:05.114 --> 00:15:07.214 to rub off on them or their kids. 00:15:08.204 --> 00:15:08.904 So there you are again. 00:15:08.904 --> 00:15:10.794 Your palms are just slick with sweat. 00:15:10.864 --> 00:15:12.804 The ball feels heavier than it ever has before. 00:15:13.074 --> 00:15:16.594 You bounce it once or twice and that is a loud echo and it 00:15:16.594 --> 00:15:17.804 sounds louder than the crowd. 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:20.489 But your heart, that's even pounding even louder. 00:15:20.489 --> 00:15:21.289 That's what you hear. 00:15:21.689 --> 00:15:22.609 The rim looks small. 00:15:22.619 --> 00:15:24.859 The distance actually looks very long, longer than it's ever been. 00:15:24.859 --> 00:15:26.819 And you can feel the weight of your teammates stares and the 00:15:26.829 --> 00:15:27.899 burning hope in their eyes. 00:15:28.229 --> 00:15:30.569 And you can hear your coach's mantra ringing in your ears. 00:15:30.839 --> 00:15:32.119 Focus on the mechanics, kid. 00:15:32.199 --> 00:15:34.099 Trust the process. 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:37.709 But you have never been in this situation before. 00:15:38.059 --> 00:15:39.049 Yeah, there's a process. 00:15:39.059 --> 00:15:41.979 You want to trust it, you practice it, but this isn't practice. 00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:44.869 This isn't the controlled environment where you train so diligently. 00:15:45.189 --> 00:15:47.739 This is raw, unpredictable life. 00:15:48.379 --> 00:15:50.619 And your body starts shaking with exhaustion. 00:15:51.059 --> 00:15:53.759 And your mind fights to block out the noise and the stakes and 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:55.209 the crushing fear of failure. 00:15:55.769 --> 00:15:59.179 All that preparation, all that practice brought you right here. 00:15:59.179 --> 00:16:01.779 The practice can only carry you so far. 00:16:02.469 --> 00:16:06.479 Because that moment demands something that you actually can't simulate. 00:16:07.269 --> 00:16:11.409 It requires composure under pressure and the ability to quiet the storm in 00:16:11.409 --> 00:16:16.079 your head and then summon your very best when everything around you is chaos. 00:16:16.769 --> 00:16:21.519 And it's in that moment that you realize that really no amount of preparation could 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:24.119 fully prepare me for this very moment. 00:16:25.109 --> 00:16:30.479 There's an acceptance there and you take a really deep breath and the crowd starts 00:16:30.479 --> 00:16:34.039 to get even louder and then you shoot. 00:16:36.309 --> 00:16:37.369 So I'm very curious. 00:16:37.499 --> 00:16:38.039 Did you make it? 00:16:38.049 --> 00:16:38.079 Yes. 00:16:38.764 --> 00:16:40.504 Cause whether or not you made the shot in your mind, I don't 00:16:40.504 --> 00:16:43.684 know, might actually say something about how you feel about yourself. 00:16:44.274 --> 00:16:48.394 But the point I really wanted to emphasize is that there is a real gap between 00:16:48.394 --> 00:16:50.444 preparation and real life execution. 00:16:50.694 --> 00:16:52.654 And I'm saying that with, check that out. 00:16:52.734 --> 00:16:53.664 Isn't that fascinating? 00:16:54.144 --> 00:16:57.004 And more and more I'm hearing from listeners and clients who are 00:16:57.004 --> 00:17:00.154 understanding they know the five rules of interacting with a narcissist. 00:17:00.164 --> 00:17:02.304 They know how to raise their emotional baseline. 00:17:02.314 --> 00:17:05.044 They know how to get their PhD in gaslighting. 00:17:05.044 --> 00:17:07.434 They might even get out of unproductive conversations and they've set healthy 00:17:07.434 --> 00:17:08.764 boundaries and they know that a boundary. 00:17:09.224 --> 00:17:10.094 It's not an ultimatum. 00:17:10.194 --> 00:17:11.034 It is a me thing. 00:17:11.054 --> 00:17:13.044 If you do this, then I will, I will leave. 00:17:13.684 --> 00:17:16.814 And they also finally embrace the fact that they can't give this other 00:17:16.814 --> 00:17:19.104 person the aha moment or the epiphany. 00:17:19.724 --> 00:17:21.754 And let's say that they're truly starting to appreciate and they're 00:17:21.754 --> 00:17:26.254 practicing more and more of the four pillars of a connected conversation. 00:17:26.744 --> 00:17:32.644 They're understanding now that in a narcissistic or emotionally immature 00:17:32.644 --> 00:17:35.094 relationship, they're not necessarily assuming good intentions that this 00:17:35.094 --> 00:17:36.554 person is not trying to hurt them. 00:17:36.554 --> 00:17:41.584 But no, it's part B of that first pillar where they're saying, okay, there's a 00:17:41.584 --> 00:17:44.074 reason why this person is showing up the way they are because they're emotionally 00:17:44.074 --> 00:17:46.494 immature, because this is the way that they feel like they have to communicate. 00:17:47.394 --> 00:17:47.824 And then. 00:17:48.074 --> 00:17:49.634 They're embracing pillar two. 00:17:49.634 --> 00:17:52.304 I can't tell that person that they're wrong or that's ridiculous, but I 00:17:52.304 --> 00:17:55.394 do and I'm allowed to think that it is wrong and it is ridiculous. 00:17:55.704 --> 00:17:57.564 But my, my goal is to stay in this ballgame. 00:17:57.654 --> 00:18:00.684 So I go to pillar three questions before comments. 00:18:00.684 --> 00:18:01.274 Tell me why. 00:18:01.704 --> 00:18:02.504 Tell me why you said that. 00:18:02.514 --> 00:18:03.484 Tell me where you were headed with that. 00:18:03.939 --> 00:18:05.789 What's that like for you and pillar four? 00:18:05.789 --> 00:18:06.689 I'm going to stay present. 00:18:07.099 --> 00:18:08.899 I'm not going to go into a victim mindset. 00:18:08.909 --> 00:18:10.349 I'm not going to say you're right. 00:18:10.419 --> 00:18:13.649 I'm the world's worst human being because I don't need that 00:18:13.649 --> 00:18:16.659 person to rescue me because I'm starting to learn that I'm okay. 00:18:16.759 --> 00:18:17.949 And I know how to rescue myself. 00:18:18.699 --> 00:18:22.439 So we've got those four pillars and the five rules of 00:18:22.439 --> 00:18:23.479 interacting with a narcissist. 00:18:23.479 --> 00:18:25.999 And we also have people that are telling me that they're really 00:18:25.999 --> 00:18:29.319 understanding and appreciating the practice of being differentiated. 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:31.819 You know, having a strong, flexible sense of self. 00:18:31.819 --> 00:18:31.839 Yeah. 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:35.389 of knowing who I am without needing someone else to tell me, and not 00:18:35.439 --> 00:18:40.129 necessarily seeking external validation every chance I get, which leads to them 00:18:40.129 --> 00:18:43.959 being able to calm their own mind, quiet their own heart, and soothe their own 00:18:44.289 --> 00:18:47.929 anxiety, which then allows them to show up even more grounded, more present, 00:18:47.939 --> 00:18:52.179 not overreacting, not playing small, and then understanding that discomfort 00:18:52.289 --> 00:18:53.839 is this opportunity for me to grow. 00:18:54.569 --> 00:18:59.519 And, dare I even say, That they are starting to learn how to construct 00:18:59.549 --> 00:19:02.879 their crucible and those moments where they've reached gridlock and 00:19:02.879 --> 00:19:05.899 they know that their partner is not going to have that aha moment, but 00:19:05.899 --> 00:19:07.929 they also know what is best for them. 00:19:07.949 --> 00:19:12.089 The things that they can say from a place of true integrity 00:19:12.089 --> 00:19:16.209 even when they're emotionally mature, a narcissistic partner is not only not going 00:19:16.209 --> 00:19:19.799 to reciprocate, but when the information that you are realizing you're willing 00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:23.029 to die on a hill for may in fact be used as a very attack surface against you. 00:19:23.669 --> 00:19:27.119 But then you get in that big game of life, you are grounded and you are calm. 00:19:27.629 --> 00:19:30.109 And the narcissistic or emotionally immature partner in your life 00:19:30.339 --> 00:19:31.919 finds new buttons to push. 00:19:32.369 --> 00:19:35.179 Well, I'll I'll tell the kids that you wanted this divorce or the narcissistic 00:19:35.179 --> 00:19:37.749 parent says, you know, I really don't like a lot of the parts of you that 00:19:37.749 --> 00:19:39.809 I'm seeing and you just feel crushed. 00:19:39.819 --> 00:19:40.539 That's your parent. 00:19:40.629 --> 00:19:41.829 Where do you think you learn these things? 00:19:42.469 --> 00:19:45.299 Well, I feel for you because you can learn everything you 00:19:45.299 --> 00:19:46.649 can about almost anything. 00:19:46.729 --> 00:19:50.259 But when you are in the game of life, you need your reps to get better. 00:19:50.616 --> 00:19:53.646 Recently a client of mine who has been doing so amazingly well and their 00:19:53.646 --> 00:19:57.476 healing journey was met with a very, very bad episode of being berated by a 00:19:57.476 --> 00:19:59.146 family member and they were grounded. 00:19:59.161 --> 00:20:04.881 And then they asked me what was wrong with me, which again, nothing. 00:20:05.506 --> 00:20:08.906 That they were in that big game of life and they had never been in that 00:20:08.906 --> 00:20:12.536 very situation as them before hearing the things that they were hearing. 00:20:12.836 --> 00:20:17.256 So check that out, give themselves some grace because you were aware of 00:20:17.256 --> 00:20:20.946 how you were showing up in that moment until your amygdala became hijacked. 00:20:21.276 --> 00:20:23.876 And at that point, it was a little bit too late. 00:20:24.606 --> 00:20:25.726 So let's start with some grace. 00:20:25.906 --> 00:20:26.496 No shame. 00:20:26.516 --> 00:20:27.176 You're not broken. 00:20:27.176 --> 00:20:27.706 You're human. 00:20:28.166 --> 00:20:29.226 Let's review the game film. 00:20:29.676 --> 00:20:31.506 What am I pretending not to know? 00:20:32.066 --> 00:20:34.256 Did I really think that this person would have that aha moment? 00:20:34.956 --> 00:20:38.596 Where was I aware of what was happening that I was getting emotionally elevated 00:20:38.676 --> 00:20:43.196 and why wasn't I able to leave because I thought I had a clear boundary in my mind. 00:20:43.196 --> 00:20:44.796 If they continue to yell, then I will leave. 00:20:45.386 --> 00:20:48.456 Well, as I'm saying this to you now, it might sound like it's, well, it's 00:20:48.456 --> 00:20:52.936 just, it should just be that easy, but I want you to know that I know it's not. 00:20:53.596 --> 00:20:56.366 Because I truly believe that you can't guide others to places that 00:20:56.366 --> 00:20:57.886 you haven't explored first yourself. 00:20:58.226 --> 00:21:01.226 And I want you to know that I create the content that I do and I work with the 00:21:01.226 --> 00:21:06.116 population of clients that I do because I have and continue to be exploring the 00:21:06.116 --> 00:21:09.216 places that I hope to help lead people to. 00:21:09.586 --> 00:21:12.286 And I see you, I don't know what it feels like to be you in your 00:21:12.286 --> 00:21:17.536 situation, but I've had many, many situations, even very recently where I 00:21:17.536 --> 00:21:21.316 am differentiated until I'm not, where I'm a few pillars into my four pillars 00:21:21.376 --> 00:21:22.906 and then they are just suddenly gone. 00:21:23.456 --> 00:21:26.746 And in those moments, I do see my own emotional immaturity 00:21:26.846 --> 00:21:28.686 on absolute full display. 00:21:28.756 --> 00:21:29.336 Check that out. 00:21:29.376 --> 00:21:31.976 As a matter of fact, yesterday I pull up to a store let my daughter, 00:21:31.976 --> 00:21:34.626 her boyfriend and my wife out to grab something to make some cookies. 00:21:34.916 --> 00:21:37.546 And I am far off to the side of the store, but I'm not parked. 00:21:37.546 --> 00:21:38.136 I am up front. 00:21:38.146 --> 00:21:38.836 It is busy. 00:21:39.106 --> 00:21:40.063 I don't believe I'm in the way. 00:21:40.063 --> 00:21:40.451 I'm in the way. 00:21:40.721 --> 00:21:43.491 They're just grabbing one or two things, and my window is rolled down. 00:21:44.191 --> 00:21:46.061 Thank you, Arizona, in mid November. 00:21:46.241 --> 00:21:46.921 I see you. 00:21:47.481 --> 00:21:50.081 And a guy walks by and says very passive aggressively under his breath. 00:21:50.201 --> 00:21:51.131 That's not a parking place. 00:21:51.351 --> 00:21:54.901 And I impulsively yell without looking up from my phone, Thank you! 00:21:55.541 --> 00:21:56.001 Why? 00:21:56.751 --> 00:21:57.111 I don't know. 00:21:57.161 --> 00:21:57.771 Because I did. 00:21:57.841 --> 00:22:00.631 Because the synapses in my brain fired and engaged with my vocal cords, 00:22:00.641 --> 00:22:04.821 and my inner jerk impulsively and emotionally immaturely yelled, Thank you! 00:22:05.351 --> 00:22:05.901 Not smart. 00:22:06.516 --> 00:22:07.536 I dunno who this person was. 00:22:07.536 --> 00:22:10.616 And had he returned, I was fully prepared to take ownership. 00:22:10.616 --> 00:22:11.126 My bad. 00:22:11.546 --> 00:22:12.626 I could pull in a space. 00:22:12.846 --> 00:22:13.596 I think I'm special. 00:22:13.596 --> 00:22:15.666 And this is a unique situation, which it truly isn't. 00:22:15.936 --> 00:22:19.216 So your comments are not only good and fair, good, sir, but true. 00:22:19.866 --> 00:22:23.286 But he didn't come back and I shared with my family, to which my wife said, 00:22:23.706 --> 00:22:28.506 isn't that a little bit immature, to which of course I said, me, me, me, me. 00:22:28.626 --> 00:22:29.436 I really didn't say that. 00:22:29.616 --> 00:22:32.106 I said, yeah, that was more than a little bit mature. 00:22:32.106 --> 00:22:33.246 It was extremely immature. 00:22:33.911 --> 00:22:35.631 So own it and do better. 00:22:36.111 --> 00:22:38.261 I really, I really want to do better. 00:22:39.041 --> 00:22:42.561 With that in mind, I would like to invite you, whether it is your first time or 00:22:42.561 --> 00:22:46.001 you're returning to check out the waking up to narcissism, premium question and 00:22:46.001 --> 00:22:50.821 answer episodes on Apple podcasts, but even more so my new Patreon account. 00:22:51.366 --> 00:22:53.296 So just head over to patreon. 00:22:53.296 --> 00:22:57.206 com slash virtual couch and I'll have that in the show notes but there you will 00:22:57.206 --> 00:23:03.359 find bonus content from both the Waking Up To Narcissism couch podcast plus more. 00:23:04.029 --> 00:23:08.089 This truly brings me back to why I have shared that free throw 00:23:08.089 --> 00:23:10.019 analogy because on Patreon. 00:23:10.019 --> 00:23:13.579 I've decided to open up more about my own personal experiences with the 00:23:13.579 --> 00:23:16.579 narcissist and the emotionally immature individuals in my own life, as well 00:23:16.579 --> 00:23:19.729 as my own emotional immaturity, those challenges, the failures, and the 00:23:19.729 --> 00:23:23.989 moments that have shaped, not just the content that I create, but also honest 00:23:23.989 --> 00:23:27.459 to goodness, my personal growth, because as much as I believe in studying and 00:23:27.459 --> 00:23:31.279 in reading and in preparing, you do ultimately have to get your reps in. 00:23:31.854 --> 00:23:36.544 And for me, those reps have often involved learning through failure so 00:23:36.544 --> 00:23:39.974 that when somebody in my life found just the right button or a combination 00:23:39.974 --> 00:23:43.534 of buttons to press and all of a sudden I completely lose my cool, 00:23:43.954 --> 00:23:45.694 that is an opportunity for me to grow. 00:23:45.694 --> 00:23:46.724 And that is where I grow. 00:23:47.184 --> 00:23:47.854 Absolutely. 00:23:47.864 --> 00:23:50.114 And I have confidence that I will grow from those experiences. 00:23:50.334 --> 00:23:52.564 Those are the stories that I don't typically share, except occasionally 00:23:52.564 --> 00:23:55.834 with a client who assumes that just because I can articulate these concepts 00:23:55.834 --> 00:23:59.584 and say these words that I must have perfect execution spoiler alert, I don't. 00:24:00.094 --> 00:24:01.064 And that. 00:24:01.724 --> 00:24:03.344 Listeners is perfectly okay. 00:24:04.104 --> 00:24:08.284 So if you are curious or you want to dive deeper into these stories and more, 00:24:08.694 --> 00:24:11.404 then check out the Patreon link in the show notes, or feel free to reach out to 00:24:11.404 --> 00:24:15.004 me directly at contact at Tony overbay. 00:24:15.004 --> 00:24:19.944 com and Patron will be where your questions will be answered and where I'll 00:24:19.944 --> 00:24:23.964 share the kind of true vulnerability that doesn't always make it into the podcast. 00:24:23.964 --> 00:24:27.364 And I'm actually really excited to share more of that from a very vulnerable place. 00:24:28.154 --> 00:24:29.214 So let's get back to those cuts. 00:24:30.024 --> 00:24:33.614 So I think it is very safe to say with this being the eighth installment of 00:24:33.614 --> 00:24:36.544 the death by a thousand cut series of this metaphor really captures 00:24:36.544 --> 00:24:39.434 what it feels like to be in a relationship with somebody who is 00:24:39.464 --> 00:24:42.144 emotionally immature or narcissistic. 00:24:42.854 --> 00:24:46.414 This feeling of these death by a thousand cuts, these little cuts 00:24:46.414 --> 00:24:47.984 where eventually you bleed out. 00:24:48.724 --> 00:24:52.274 And I think on several occasions, I try to explain the origin story of this phrase. 00:24:52.304 --> 00:24:55.774 And what I'm very curious about is if even my finding of the origin 00:24:55.774 --> 00:24:57.184 story has changed over time. 00:24:57.204 --> 00:24:58.644 Have I confabulated that narrative? 00:24:59.144 --> 00:25:02.184 The phrase actually has, it's a pretty intense origin story because it actually 00:25:02.184 --> 00:25:06.354 comes from a ancient Chinese execution method called, I think it's Lingchi, 00:25:06.834 --> 00:25:12.244 which was used up until 1905, where we can probably guess from the name of 00:25:12.244 --> 00:25:13.754 what is involved, pretty grim stuff. 00:25:14.429 --> 00:25:17.809 But here's why it is such a perfect metaphor for toxic relationships 00:25:17.839 --> 00:25:22.339 and why I think it is that these episodes of the podcast have so 00:25:22.339 --> 00:25:23.719 many more downloads than the others. 00:25:24.479 --> 00:25:26.239 Because They just resonate. 00:25:26.289 --> 00:25:26.889 They make sense. 00:25:26.889 --> 00:25:28.879 This is where a lot of people start to realize that they're not 00:25:28.879 --> 00:25:32.649 crazy, that they're human, and they're not in a great relationship. 00:25:32.829 --> 00:25:33.929 They don't feel so alone. 00:25:34.469 --> 00:25:35.869 So think about a paper cut. 00:25:35.999 --> 00:25:40.459 And true story, I opened a cardboard box a few days ago, and I cardboard box cutted 00:25:40.479 --> 00:25:43.009 me under a fingernail and it still hurts. 00:25:43.259 --> 00:25:45.269 Man, that one, that was too big. 00:25:45.339 --> 00:25:49.449 I think that that defeats the whole purpose of the concept of paper cuts. 00:25:49.449 --> 00:25:51.269 But think about a paper cut. 00:25:51.539 --> 00:25:52.009 One paper cut. 00:25:52.544 --> 00:25:53.494 No big deal, right? 00:25:53.504 --> 00:25:57.244 It can be very annoying, sure, but you probably don't mention 00:25:57.244 --> 00:25:59.074 it to anybody unless you're really looking for validation. 00:25:59.074 --> 00:26:02.814 But imagine getting paper cuts every single day in the same spots over 00:26:02.814 --> 00:26:05.834 and over and over because that's what these relationships start to feel like. 00:26:06.114 --> 00:26:09.354 Each little dig, each subtle eye roll, each forgotten promise 00:26:09.354 --> 00:26:11.254 on their own, they seem small. 00:26:11.474 --> 00:26:16.244 And that's why it's really hard to explain to friends or family why you are just 00:26:16.244 --> 00:26:17.764 hurting so much in your relationship. 00:26:18.624 --> 00:26:21.574 Because you, you try to explain it and often it comes out well, I mean, 00:26:21.574 --> 00:26:23.934 they sighed really heavily when I got excited about my promotion. 00:26:23.944 --> 00:26:25.934 And people look at you like, and that's it? 00:26:25.984 --> 00:26:27.394 That just a sigh, isn't it? 00:26:27.984 --> 00:26:31.244 But it's the thousands of sighs and the countless times that they've dampened 00:26:31.244 --> 00:26:35.184 your joy and dismissed your feelings or made you second guess yourself or made 00:26:35.194 --> 00:26:36.999 everything all of a sudden about them. 00:26:37.879 --> 00:26:42.929 That's what makes this form of emotional abuse so insidious, because it's death 00:26:42.959 --> 00:26:47.009 by a thousand little paper cuts, each one so small enough to dismiss, but together, 00:26:48.154 --> 00:26:49.834 Together they will bleed you dry. 00:26:50.184 --> 00:26:50.934 You will bleed out. 00:26:51.734 --> 00:26:54.444 So today, I'm sharing stories from listeners who have experienced this 00:26:54.454 --> 00:26:58.164 because sometimes putting words to these small wounds, I think is one of 00:26:58.164 --> 00:26:59.534 the very first steps to healing them. 00:26:59.884 --> 00:27:03.174 And all the names and situations have been changed and have been 00:27:03.194 --> 00:27:05.664 given, and I've been given permission from those who have shared. 00:27:06.234 --> 00:27:08.004 So let's jump into the world of family events. 00:27:08.624 --> 00:27:11.984 This person says, Every time we visit my parents, which is about once a month, my 00:27:11.984 --> 00:27:13.444 husband creates this cloud of tension. 00:27:13.799 --> 00:27:15.249 Last Thanksgiving was typical. 00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:18.049 He spent about 45 minutes in the shower when we needed to leave, 00:27:18.059 --> 00:27:20.309 even though I'd reminded him of our departure time repeatedly. 00:27:20.929 --> 00:27:23.229 And then when I knocked on the door, he said, Hey, can't can't 00:27:23.229 --> 00:27:24.209 somebody get ready in peace? 00:27:24.209 --> 00:27:27.669 You seem to get all the time that you want that he couldn't find his shoes, 00:27:27.939 --> 00:27:29.359 which took another 10 to 15 minutes. 00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:32.909 And he sure acted very lackadaisical trying to find them. 00:27:33.159 --> 00:27:36.039 And we arrived an hour late and then he spent the entire dinner sighing heavily, 00:27:36.059 --> 00:27:37.539 checking his watch, looking at his phone. 00:27:38.019 --> 00:27:40.129 And when my mom asked, Hey would you like some more? 00:27:40.519 --> 00:27:43.569 Then he muttered I mean, I guess so while scrolling on his phone 00:27:44.129 --> 00:27:46.639 later, a sister of mine texted me saying, Hey, is everything okay? 00:27:46.639 --> 00:27:48.629 Because you could really feel the tension. 00:27:49.499 --> 00:27:52.139 And so then the next day, when I mentioned how his behavior affected 00:27:52.139 --> 00:27:55.409 everybody, he said, Oh, I think you're the one that was being too sensitive. 00:27:55.409 --> 00:27:58.559 I think everything was fine and that he was maybe just a little bit 00:27:58.569 --> 00:27:59.999 tired, but you took it way too far. 00:28:00.699 --> 00:28:03.599 So another guy wrote in and said that my mother in law has this way of making 00:28:03.599 --> 00:28:06.709 my wife feel so small that it's so subtle that it's really hard to call 00:28:06.709 --> 00:28:08.639 out at our daughter's birthday party. 00:28:08.639 --> 00:28:11.369 A couple of months ago, my wife spent hours making a homemade 00:28:11.369 --> 00:28:12.649 cake, which she's very good at. 00:28:13.299 --> 00:28:15.709 And then when my mother in law arrived, she immediately said, Oh, 00:28:15.719 --> 00:28:17.199 honey, did you make that yourself? 00:28:17.369 --> 00:28:19.529 I would have ordered you one from that nice bakery downtown. 00:28:19.729 --> 00:28:20.939 You're just so busy with work. 00:28:20.949 --> 00:28:22.239 You shouldn't have to do all of this. 00:28:22.849 --> 00:28:25.739 And then she spent the next hour telling everybody about the elaborate 00:28:25.739 --> 00:28:28.709 parties that she used to throw for my wife and for her daughters. 00:28:29.229 --> 00:28:33.439 But if you ask my wife and my sister in laws about that, they say 00:28:33.439 --> 00:28:35.029 that that was not the case at all. 00:28:35.409 --> 00:28:38.019 That their parties were constantly just this thing that 00:28:38.019 --> 00:28:39.199 was put together last minute. 00:28:39.629 --> 00:28:42.329 And then my mother in law would continually complain throughout 00:28:42.329 --> 00:28:45.009 the remainder of the day that she wasn't appreciated for all 00:28:45.009 --> 00:28:46.439 the hard work that she had done. 00:28:46.439 --> 00:28:49.519 I have a couple of examples that were sent in about the workplace, which 00:28:49.519 --> 00:28:50.769 I think are really fascinating too. 00:28:51.299 --> 00:28:55.089 This person said, I led this big account presentation a couple of weeks ago, but 00:28:55.089 --> 00:28:59.349 somehow then my name was left off of a followup meeting invitation, but I heard 00:28:59.349 --> 00:29:00.519 about it and I went to the meeting. 00:29:00.609 --> 00:29:03.709 Now, when I arrived, my boss acted really surprised. 00:29:04.149 --> 00:29:05.349 Oh, did you want to join? 00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:07.719 They said, I thought you were busy with some other projects. 00:29:08.444 --> 00:29:11.644 But then the portion of the presentation came where that was 00:29:11.644 --> 00:29:13.784 clearly my part of the presentation. 00:29:13.784 --> 00:29:16.444 So I tried to jump in, but she interrupted me so many times 00:29:16.474 --> 00:29:18.104 and gave me helpful corrections. 00:29:18.674 --> 00:29:23.714 And then later I overheard her talking to her boss, the VP of the company, just 00:29:23.714 --> 00:29:24.964 loud enough for everybody else to hear. 00:29:25.364 --> 00:29:28.264 Do you think maybe that account is a little bit too much and too 00:29:28.264 --> 00:29:29.764 complex for somebody at her level? 00:29:30.524 --> 00:29:34.484 And so then when I finally got the courage to confront my boss, she said, Hey I 00:29:34.494 --> 00:29:35.694 think you probably heard that wrong. 00:29:36.014 --> 00:29:38.214 And I just want to make sure that we succeed. 00:29:38.334 --> 00:29:39.544 It's a team effort after all. 00:29:39.594 --> 00:29:43.494 This person said, yesterday I was texting my sister about her divorce 00:29:43.524 --> 00:29:47.174 when my husband walked by and he just casually glanced at my screen and he 00:29:47.174 --> 00:29:48.964 said, so, uh, how's your sister doing? 00:29:49.124 --> 00:29:52.764 Even though I had not mentioned who I was texting at dinner, he brought up 00:29:52.764 --> 00:29:56.524 how funny it is that some people just text all day and then asked me if I'd 00:29:56.524 --> 00:29:57.834 been on my phone much today at all. 00:29:58.414 --> 00:30:01.194 And when I went to take a work call later on in a different room, 00:30:01.204 --> 00:30:02.884 he walked by twice with laundry. 00:30:03.254 --> 00:30:04.034 He doesn't do the laundry. 00:30:04.034 --> 00:30:05.254 He could have easily done that later. 00:30:05.699 --> 00:30:08.909 And this morning he mentions that my screen time seems to be a little bit 00:30:08.919 --> 00:30:11.009 higher lately as if he's been checking. 00:30:11.266 --> 00:30:15.316 , if I mention this to people around me, they're going to say, well, just tell 00:30:15.316 --> 00:30:17.556 him that, Hey, mind your own business. 00:30:17.566 --> 00:30:20.416 Or, well, shouldn't you guys be pretty transparent anyway? 00:30:20.869 --> 00:30:21.129 But. 00:30:21.489 --> 00:30:25.459 If you have experienced this death by a thousand cuts, I think you can see that 00:30:25.459 --> 00:30:28.749 this is just his way of just continually letting her know that he is checking 00:30:28.749 --> 00:30:31.689 on her and that he doesn't approve of the things that she's doing without 00:30:32.119 --> 00:30:34.019 having a mature adult conversation. 00:30:34.403 --> 00:30:35.003 Here's another one. 00:30:35.073 --> 00:30:37.543 A person said, I got a promotion last week after two years of 00:30:37.543 --> 00:30:38.703 what I felt was very hard work. 00:30:39.183 --> 00:30:42.143 When I came home and I told my husband, his first response was, Hey, that's nice. 00:30:42.403 --> 00:30:45.293 I guess they did need to fill that position quickly since another 00:30:45.293 --> 00:30:49.573 colleague of mine had left at a dinner with friends later that week when 00:30:49.583 --> 00:30:51.933 one of my friends congratulated me about the promotion, he immediately 00:30:51.933 --> 00:30:55.393 jumped in with a short story about his own promotion from a few years ago. 00:30:55.833 --> 00:30:58.353 And then later he said, you're really lucky that they didn't check 00:30:58.353 --> 00:30:59.693 your references from your old job. 00:31:00.233 --> 00:31:02.813 And then meanwhile, he tells everybody who will listen about his 00:31:02.823 --> 00:31:04.903 very minor sales victories at work. 00:31:05.413 --> 00:31:08.203 It was like, he just couldn't let any of it be about me. 00:31:08.703 --> 00:31:11.003 This one I put in the weaponized routines category. 00:31:11.323 --> 00:31:12.743 A person said, I have to leave for work at 7. 00:31:12.743 --> 00:31:14.403 30 sharp to make my train. 00:31:14.643 --> 00:31:15.503 My wife knows this. 00:31:15.573 --> 00:31:16.823 Last Wednesday was pretty typical. 00:31:17.113 --> 00:31:19.623 She got into the shower at 7 using all the hot water, taking 00:31:19.623 --> 00:31:21.843 25 minutes despite my knocking. 00:31:21.853 --> 00:31:24.263 And when I mentioned it, she said, you should wake up earlier if you're so 00:31:24.263 --> 00:31:25.933 worried about getting there on time. 00:31:26.588 --> 00:31:29.858 So that evening, I had just finished deep cleaning the kitchen when she 00:31:29.858 --> 00:31:34.828 came in, made a sandwich, and left crumbs everywhere and left a knife 00:31:34.878 --> 00:31:36.368 out and butter was everywhere. 00:31:36.858 --> 00:31:39.018 And when I sighed, she said, I'll clean it later. 00:31:39.818 --> 00:31:40.308 She doesn't. 00:31:40.528 --> 00:31:42.398 And this happens at least two or three times a week. 00:31:42.408 --> 00:31:45.468 And it feels like I'm keeping score, but I'm starting to lose my mind. 00:31:46.748 --> 00:31:48.988 Here's a financial manipulation example. 00:31:49.538 --> 00:31:52.768 My dad insists on paying for my new laptop when mine broke, even 00:31:52.768 --> 00:31:53.988 though I said that I can handle it. 00:31:54.738 --> 00:31:57.958 Last week when I disagreed with him about a career choice that I wanted 00:31:57.958 --> 00:32:00.908 to make, he casually mentioned, man, I hope that laptop's working out. 00:32:00.928 --> 00:32:02.288 You know, that was a really big investment. 00:32:03.038 --> 00:32:06.848 And then yesterday he took the family out to dinner for everybody. 00:32:06.858 --> 00:32:10.488 He ordered expensive wine for all of us and then made a point of showing 00:32:10.488 --> 00:32:13.688 my sister and me the bill before paying, saying, it's really good 00:32:13.688 --> 00:32:15.338 that I can still provide for my kids. 00:32:15.818 --> 00:32:19.848 And then later he commented on my clothes looking quote discount store quality 00:32:20.228 --> 00:32:21.858 while showing off a new watch of his. 00:32:21.858 --> 00:32:23.678 I've got a few examples of co parenting. 00:32:24.001 --> 00:32:27.361 Just yesterday, I had told our son no more sweets before dinner 00:32:27.431 --> 00:32:28.801 because he'd already had a cookie. 00:32:29.161 --> 00:32:32.611 But as soon as I left the room, I heard my wife say, don't worry, one small 00:32:32.611 --> 00:32:33.831 piece of chocolate's not gonna hurt. 00:32:34.111 --> 00:32:35.071 We just won't tell dad. 00:32:35.191 --> 00:32:36.651 He's being a little bit strict today. 00:32:36.651 --> 00:32:41.241 At bedtime, when I said 8 30 was lights out, she said, maybe just one more show. 00:32:41.571 --> 00:32:43.141 Mom's not as mean about bedtime. 00:32:43.601 --> 00:32:45.891 And then this morning he woke up a little bit early and so she let 00:32:45.891 --> 00:32:48.731 him play video games before school something that we've agreed on over 00:32:48.731 --> 00:32:52.951 and over was only for weekends and then even my little son told me that I 00:32:52.951 --> 00:32:55.161 was overreacting when I brought it up 00:32:55.161 --> 00:32:59.051 okay I have a lot of them that I want to throw in the speed round category and 00:32:59.051 --> 00:33:02.811 I'll comment about some of these more So let's first take on family events. 00:33:03.071 --> 00:33:07.011 One woman said, My husband accidentally spilled wine on my sister's chair at 00:33:07.011 --> 00:33:10.641 a holiday dinner, but then spent 20 minutes very loudly cleaning it up while 00:33:10.641 --> 00:33:11.941 we were trying to open the presents. 00:33:12.421 --> 00:33:15.461 It was as if he was trying to make this point that nobody was helping him. 00:33:16.821 --> 00:33:20.411 So I think this one's really fascinating, because It just is about everything 00:33:20.411 --> 00:33:23.481 needs to be about this person, even if it's them that spilled the wine. 00:33:23.881 --> 00:33:26.791 And I can only imagine that I wonder what the excuses were about it. 00:33:27.051 --> 00:33:30.331 Maybe the sister in law didn't have coasters out or a little 00:33:30.331 --> 00:33:34.201 kid ran by, or maybe a brother in law filled the glass up too high. 00:33:34.671 --> 00:33:38.981 But regardless, when the wine was spilt, why couldn't he just 00:33:39.331 --> 00:33:43.311 clean up the wine and not make it about him and not huff and puff. 00:33:43.671 --> 00:33:46.911 And this is where I go down the path of the emotionally immature. 00:33:47.361 --> 00:33:50.781 Because if he really was upset because people were going ahead and 00:33:50.781 --> 00:33:53.901 opening presents and he couldn't be as big of a participant because 00:33:53.901 --> 00:33:56.701 he had spilled the wine, then this is where we need to use our big kid 00:33:56.701 --> 00:33:58.961 words and be able to say, Hey, my bad. 00:33:59.061 --> 00:34:00.111 I didn't mean to spill that. 00:34:00.131 --> 00:34:01.291 Obviously that's on me. 00:34:01.611 --> 00:34:04.271 Even if I want to ask him, can I get a little help or can you 00:34:04.271 --> 00:34:05.101 guys just hang on a second? 00:34:05.101 --> 00:34:06.501 I'll clean this up and I would love to be a part. 00:34:06.871 --> 00:34:12.131 Of the present opening, the next person said, my wife answers work calls 00:34:12.131 --> 00:34:16.031 during family photos, making everybody retake them multiple times when she 00:34:16.031 --> 00:34:17.181 was finally confronted about it. 00:34:17.191 --> 00:34:18.921 She said, sorry, but my clients need me. 00:34:19.601 --> 00:34:22.511 And if you look in this world of emotional immaturity, and I'm not saying 00:34:22.511 --> 00:34:26.171 that she doesn't have a very important job, but this is where I think that 00:34:26.181 --> 00:34:27.891 the differentiation piece comes in. 00:34:28.271 --> 00:34:32.581 If you are trying to show up in a more emotionally mature and emotionally 00:34:32.581 --> 00:34:36.811 consistent way is that if you know that you have to make phone calls, can you 00:34:36.831 --> 00:34:39.091 now have that personal boundary of that? 00:34:39.401 --> 00:34:43.351 If people call during this time, then I will get back to them later. 00:34:44.486 --> 00:34:48.526 Or if I really do need to, if there's a life and death situation, which I 00:34:48.536 --> 00:34:51.636 guess you're the only one that knows, maybe you're a world famous neurologist. 00:34:51.656 --> 00:34:54.736 And you've already said that when you get to this part of the brain 00:34:54.736 --> 00:34:57.356 surgery, and I'm the only person that understands what's going to happen, 00:34:57.776 --> 00:34:59.276 then yeah maybe give me a call. 00:34:59.296 --> 00:35:02.626 Although I would maybe suggest to the world renowned brain surgeon that they 00:35:02.626 --> 00:35:05.956 have that difficult conversation with the family and say, I am so sorry, but I don't 00:35:05.956 --> 00:35:10.276 want to interrupt this family time with this potential part of the brain surgery. 00:35:10.276 --> 00:35:13.206 I think I've gone too far with this example, but hopefully you can see where 00:35:13.206 --> 00:35:15.816 I'm going from a healthy relationship place where either I need to be 00:35:15.816 --> 00:35:19.606 able to set that boundary and I will deal with work things after because. 00:35:20.151 --> 00:35:23.501 Hopefully you can tell that this starts to feel like this person is saying, 00:35:23.741 --> 00:35:26.791 Hey, I just need everybody to validate me and know that I'm very important 00:35:27.181 --> 00:35:30.511 and that I will, I will possibly have to step out of this situation that 00:35:30.511 --> 00:35:33.658 we are all here for any minute , and then you guys won't appreciate me 00:35:33.658 --> 00:35:37.758 enough because now you're complaining, even though see the aforementioned 00:35:37.758 --> 00:35:39.098 comment that I'm very important. 00:35:39.331 --> 00:35:41.651 This one, a wife said that my husband. 00:35:41.996 --> 00:35:46.176 During our son's graduation spent 30 minutes looking for parking while we've 00:35:46.176 --> 00:35:51.216 saved seats missing the whole processional then when my mom asked where he was 00:35:51.346 --> 00:35:55.786 then he blamed me for not giving clear directions to the venue The taking 00:35:55.806 --> 00:35:58.996 ownership of something I think is one of the biggest challenges to those who 00:35:58.996 --> 00:36:02.776 are in relationships with emotionally immature Narcissistic people because 00:36:02.806 --> 00:36:09.511 if you get somewhere late it is far more mature Consistent, trustworthy. 00:36:10.001 --> 00:36:14.501 It is far more intimate and not from a validation seeking standpoint to 00:36:14.521 --> 00:36:18.711 just take ownership and say, Oh man, I should have prepared sooner and I 00:36:18.711 --> 00:36:22.241 will drop you guys off, but film the processional for me if I don't make it. 00:36:22.291 --> 00:36:23.211 Because that's on me. 00:36:23.781 --> 00:36:29.871 Or I'm willing to drop you guys off, park the closest place I can, and I will do 00:36:29.871 --> 00:36:31.671 a dead sprint to make it there on time. 00:36:32.131 --> 00:36:33.421 But that is a me thing. 00:36:33.471 --> 00:36:34.651 I will take ownership of that. 00:36:35.021 --> 00:36:37.421 And I think one of the difficult things when working with the 00:36:37.421 --> 00:36:40.251 emotionally immature is you can watch somebody if it's that guy. 00:36:40.281 --> 00:36:43.211 Let's say I'm working with a guy in that situation, where then instead 00:36:43.211 --> 00:36:46.556 of him just saying, sitting with the discomfort, maybe acknowledging, maybe 00:36:46.556 --> 00:36:48.886 this is something that I don't know that I don't know because I'm getting really 00:36:48.886 --> 00:36:53.006 defensive that I will often hear that just this laundry list of then excuses. 00:36:53.356 --> 00:36:54.936 Well, this isn't the first time that that's happened. 00:36:55.156 --> 00:36:58.491 They don't take my Emotions into consideration very often and they don't 00:36:58.491 --> 00:37:00.961 even appreciate me and my wife doesn't want to be intimate with me and my 00:37:00.961 --> 00:37:03.961 kids They just sit on their phones all the time And that's where you start 00:37:03.961 --> 00:37:07.011 to see how difficult it can be and trying to interact with the emotionally 00:37:07.011 --> 00:37:11.001 mature narcissistic person Because they just deflect they don't want to 00:37:11.001 --> 00:37:15.211 sit with any of that discomfort Where in reality learning how to just take 00:37:15.221 --> 00:37:17.811 ownership and say man, That is my bad. 00:37:17.851 --> 00:37:21.921 And I, that would be difficult if that the entire family now was worried 00:37:21.921 --> 00:37:25.691 about how I'm going to show up when I walk back into the graduation. 00:37:26.281 --> 00:37:28.701 And I think what's so difficult about these things too is whether it's a 00:37:28.701 --> 00:37:33.091 graduation, whether it's a wedding, whatever the celebration is, and we're 00:37:33.091 --> 00:37:36.651 coming up on Thanksgiving and the holidays and Christmas and you name it. 00:37:37.121 --> 00:37:39.801 And so often you hear about the narcissistic or 00:37:39.801 --> 00:37:40.871 emotionally immature person. 00:37:40.871 --> 00:37:45.341 And I was going to quote air quote, but say ruining a holiday or a big event. 00:37:45.741 --> 00:37:49.631 And it's because they all of a sudden feel like, okay, people aren't paying 00:37:49.631 --> 00:37:52.831 enough attention to me, or look at all the things I have done to make 00:37:52.831 --> 00:37:57.061 this thing happen, where I want the emotionally mature person to recognize. 00:37:57.061 --> 00:37:58.801 And this is where you get that internal validation. 00:37:59.071 --> 00:38:02.001 I'm grateful that I played a role that allowed this to happen. 00:38:02.341 --> 00:38:03.851 Maybe it's gifts at Christmas. 00:38:03.861 --> 00:38:06.331 Maybe it's having the entire family come in at Thanksgiving. 00:38:06.771 --> 00:38:09.871 And it's, I've worked hard and been able to afford the things 00:38:09.871 --> 00:38:13.061 that have allowed people to come to town and show up together. 00:38:13.091 --> 00:38:14.681 But do I need a trophy for it? 00:38:14.701 --> 00:38:15.461 Do I need a medal? 00:38:15.471 --> 00:38:16.911 Do I need a plate of cookies for it? 00:38:17.231 --> 00:38:18.601 If I do, first of all, acknowledge it. 00:38:18.911 --> 00:38:19.551 Oh, check this out. 00:38:19.551 --> 00:38:23.691 I'm noticing that I really am wanting people to say you're the best because 00:38:23.701 --> 00:38:25.941 just the awareness of that is a big step. 00:38:26.441 --> 00:38:27.861 This is one that I think is pretty funny too. 00:38:28.121 --> 00:38:31.151 A guy wrote in and said that my wife volunteered to make deviled eggs for 00:38:31.151 --> 00:38:35.031 Christmas dinner, and then forgot the paprika that my grandmother always uses. 00:38:35.086 --> 00:38:40.186 I was never a big devil egg guy, and I still, I'm not quite sure if I am or 00:38:40.186 --> 00:38:41.916 not, but I do know what the paprika is. 00:38:41.946 --> 00:38:43.656 I think it's a little red stuff that goes on top of it. 00:38:45.326 --> 00:38:48.956 I love it because my grandmother made those devil eggs as well, . His 00:38:48.956 --> 00:38:52.526 wife forgets the paprika that he said my grandmother always uses. 00:38:52.876 --> 00:38:55.986 And that sparked a 20 minute discussion about how now all of a 00:38:55.986 --> 00:38:57.336 sudden she wanted to make it her own. 00:38:58.001 --> 00:39:00.581 As if she were being judged by Randy from American Idol. 00:39:00.831 --> 00:39:03.981 That's a really funny piece of business right there, by the way, if you're an old 00:39:03.981 --> 00:39:06.321 school American Idol fan, but he said. 00:39:06.846 --> 00:39:09.786 Versus admitting that she either forgot the paprika, maybe she 00:39:09.786 --> 00:39:13.306 doesn't even like paprika, but she literally can't admit to anything 00:39:13.376 --> 00:39:14.976 that she possibly did or got wrong. 00:39:15.426 --> 00:39:17.676 And yes, I will allow the all or nothing statement because this 00:39:17.676 --> 00:39:19.216 is what this listener wrote in. 00:39:19.216 --> 00:39:21.716 I think maybe we're starting to see a little bit of a theme of today 00:39:21.716 --> 00:39:23.506 of ownership and accountability. 00:39:23.741 --> 00:39:27.921 And that it must feel scary to the emotionally immature to say, man, I 00:39:27.921 --> 00:39:30.461 forgot, or I'm not sure, or that's on me. 00:39:30.991 --> 00:39:34.281 But if you're a person who has gotten okay with the discomfort and you are starting 00:39:34.281 --> 00:39:38.311 to take ownership for your, the things that you do in a relationship, I want 00:39:38.311 --> 00:39:43.241 to tell you that can be so empowering because you can often feel the people 00:39:43.301 --> 00:39:45.261 in the room that are disappointed. 00:39:45.361 --> 00:39:47.651 And so then what do I do with the discomfort of that disappointment? 00:39:48.491 --> 00:39:51.681 So typically I want to shift blame or I want to go, I want to play the 00:39:51.681 --> 00:39:55.381 victim card, man, you guys, I've just been having such a rough day and then 00:39:55.391 --> 00:39:59.091 the car and it's so hot and I was just worried and then people like, Hey, it's 00:39:59.091 --> 00:40:05.321 okay versus me being able to say, my bad, I totally forgot to plan earlier. 00:40:05.321 --> 00:40:07.971 I thought that it wouldn't take this long because then people can still 00:40:07.971 --> 00:40:09.221 be allowed to have their feelings. 00:40:09.221 --> 00:40:10.941 They can still be angry and that's okay. 00:40:11.406 --> 00:40:14.296 And now you're making space for that because I am okay. 00:40:14.876 --> 00:40:17.256 And I think that's one of the most powerful parts about, about being 00:40:17.256 --> 00:40:19.456 differentiated is knowing that I am okay. 00:40:19.946 --> 00:40:22.876 Starting to learn that the things that I'm doing, the things that I'm thinking, 00:40:22.886 --> 00:40:27.366 the things that I'm feeling, the life that I'm experiencing is my experience. 00:40:27.726 --> 00:40:29.236 And yeah, I am reacting. 00:40:29.256 --> 00:40:33.616 I do say thank you out the window at a passerby who mumbles under their 00:40:33.616 --> 00:40:35.496 breath that I'm not in a parking place. 00:40:36.026 --> 00:40:37.546 But very quickly I had to acknowledge. 00:40:38.046 --> 00:40:39.506 I'm actually not in a parking space. 00:40:39.766 --> 00:40:41.876 And I want to say, well it didn't impact him. 00:40:42.916 --> 00:40:45.496 That's me wanting to project my discomfort onto him. 00:40:45.776 --> 00:40:47.366 And then have him take ownership of it. 00:40:47.716 --> 00:40:49.256 Where, is there truth in what he's saying? 00:40:49.466 --> 00:40:50.136 Absolutely. 00:40:50.416 --> 00:40:51.316 Can I grow through that? 00:40:51.546 --> 00:40:52.406 I think I can. 00:40:52.756 --> 00:40:54.516 I'm still struggling a little bit with whether I would do 00:40:54.516 --> 00:40:55.726 that again in the future. 00:40:56.426 --> 00:40:59.076 Because I don't want to do it just because I felt bad. 00:40:59.456 --> 00:41:01.696 I want to do it because maybe those feelings came up in me. 00:41:01.696 --> 00:41:04.396 And that allowed me an opportunity to do a little self confrontation and growth. 00:41:05.296 --> 00:41:07.576 Let's jump into the undermining parent in law. 00:41:08.396 --> 00:41:12.436 Every visit, this person says that their mother in law says to her, 00:41:12.566 --> 00:41:14.056 Oh, you're still breastfeeding. 00:41:14.246 --> 00:41:14.946 That's kind of funny. 00:41:15.306 --> 00:41:19.536 My children were all sleeping through the night at six months and with 00:41:19.546 --> 00:41:21.736 formula, and they're very healthy now. 00:41:22.266 --> 00:41:25.656 This person also said that she brings backup outfits for our kids 00:41:25.686 --> 00:41:29.186 to family events just in case what mommy picked wasn't warm enough. 00:41:29.576 --> 00:41:32.016 And make sure and lets my kids know that all the time. 00:41:32.956 --> 00:41:35.986 She said, she also rearranges our kitchen cabinets during visits saying, I just 00:41:35.986 --> 00:41:39.446 want to help you be more organized, like your sister in law is, and then sends 00:41:39.446 --> 00:41:45.076 pictures to our family group chat showing how she fixed our home and reorganized 00:41:45.106 --> 00:41:48.366 my cabinets, which then I need to go back and put the way that I want them later. 00:41:49.256 --> 00:41:52.236 And she also said that at most every birthday, she brings up how she saved 00:41:52.256 --> 00:41:55.616 all of her children's artwork and special albums, and she's scrapbook. 00:41:56.111 --> 00:41:59.111 While glancing at our kids artwork, which is magnetized to the fridge 00:41:59.191 --> 00:42:01.111 and says, do you ever organize these? 00:42:01.111 --> 00:42:01.951 Or what do you do with these? 00:42:02.121 --> 00:42:03.341 Do your kids actually like this? 00:42:03.341 --> 00:42:05.441 . And let's go back to the world of professional sabotage. 00:42:05.711 --> 00:42:09.881 One person said that a person in their group carbon copies my boss on just 00:42:09.881 --> 00:42:13.971 routine emails with little subtle corrections to everybody else with the 00:42:13.981 --> 00:42:15.871 phrase just keeping everybody in the loop. 00:42:16.391 --> 00:42:20.921 But my boss doesn't have the courage to respond back and tell this 00:42:20.921 --> 00:42:23.991 employee how annoying they think it is, like they are telling me. 00:42:24.381 --> 00:42:28.711 So I'm seeing emotional immaturity in the workplace from a boss and a colleague. 00:42:28.711 --> 00:42:31.441 Another person said that someone in their office takes personal calls on 00:42:31.441 --> 00:42:34.971 their speakerphone right next to my desk and we're in a open cube farm 00:42:35.041 --> 00:42:38.701 during client meetings that I'm having saying, I'm sorry, is this bothering you? 00:42:39.501 --> 00:42:42.531 Then every project meeting, she restates my ideas five minutes after 00:42:42.531 --> 00:42:43.841 I share them slightly reworded. 00:42:44.321 --> 00:42:47.691 And the team now says, yeah, that's a great idea, Barbara. 00:42:48.021 --> 00:42:50.791 When they were actually my suggestions initially, but I feel like I'm going to 00:42:50.791 --> 00:42:52.931 be a baby if I try to speak up for myself. 00:42:52.931 --> 00:42:54.931 Another person said, my boss always schedules important client 00:42:54.931 --> 00:42:58.301 meetings for 8am knowing that I dropped my kids off at school. 00:42:58.591 --> 00:43:02.141 So when I arrive at 815, he's already, sorry, we had to start without you. 00:43:03.091 --> 00:43:05.581 And then I had some speed rounds of phone surveillance as well. 00:43:06.071 --> 00:43:09.445 So here's what's difficult is isn't that funny? 00:43:09.911 --> 00:43:13.091 I was going to say if this woman, and look at me being gender stereotyped. 00:43:13.721 --> 00:43:17.631 She's talking about this person is talking about their boss is 00:43:17.631 --> 00:43:18.821 scheduling these meetings at 8 a. 00:43:18.821 --> 00:43:21.241 m Knowing that this person drops their kids off at school. 00:43:21.561 --> 00:43:26.091 So I do not know if the person Who this person is that is 00:43:26.091 --> 00:43:27.061 dropping the kids off at 815? 00:43:28.211 --> 00:43:33.921 But what I would love to share or but what I might encourage is this is where 00:43:33.961 --> 00:43:37.541 that crucible concept comes in Is this a hill that I'm willing to die on? 00:43:38.031 --> 00:43:41.766 Because if so, then I need to be able to express myself from a place 00:43:41.766 --> 00:43:45.126 of integrity, but I can see the difficulty here because if I'm saying 00:43:45.276 --> 00:43:50.606 hey, I find it difficult that you are continually Scheduling meetings at 8 a. 00:43:50.606 --> 00:43:50.946 m. 00:43:51.226 --> 00:43:56.631 And I've been very clear and it's been Okayed by upper management that I do drop 00:43:56.631 --> 00:44:00.831 my kids off on the way to work and that I arrive at 8 15 and that is on time. 00:44:01.681 --> 00:44:05.121 So would you be able to schedule the meetings a little bit later at 8 15? 00:44:05.641 --> 00:44:07.581 That's this person doing it from a place of integrity, 00:44:07.631 --> 00:44:11.251 even if it's not reciprocated or even if it's not met well, but I think one 00:44:11.251 --> 00:44:13.481 of the most difficult things about being differentiated and creating this 00:44:13.501 --> 00:44:18.981 crucible in the job place is that there's a, an acceptance that it actually might 00:44:20.281 --> 00:44:23.731 get worse for this employee, which I think is so difficult because here's 00:44:23.731 --> 00:44:27.111 where I think sometimes people run into this battle of are they truly 00:44:27.111 --> 00:44:28.511 operating from a place of integrity? 00:44:28.691 --> 00:44:33.301 If they are continually stuffing their feelings and emotions, and then 00:44:33.411 --> 00:44:38.381 they are playing into this scapegoat role in the workplace and being made 00:44:38.381 --> 00:44:41.791 to feel small, just so that this other person can take that one up position. 00:44:42.511 --> 00:44:48.271 So at times there has to be an acceptance that might, and I hate to say this, but 00:44:48.271 --> 00:44:51.431 it could cost one their job if they want to truly come from a place of integrity. 00:44:51.431 --> 00:44:52.671 But then it comes back to that. 00:44:52.671 --> 00:44:52.941 What is this? 00:44:53.281 --> 00:44:54.231 What is their integrity worth? 00:44:54.391 --> 00:44:57.431 And I realize that's very easy for me to say as somebody that works for myself. 00:44:58.001 --> 00:44:59.401 So I know that that's, that's difficult. 00:45:00.451 --> 00:45:02.461 So let's go back to the world of phone surveillance 00:45:02.471 --> 00:45:06.341 my husband gave me phone accessories for Christmas that let him see 00:45:06.341 --> 00:45:07.901 my screen from across the room. 00:45:08.921 --> 00:45:11.081 And he said, I just wanted you to be comfortable. 00:45:11.671 --> 00:45:12.681 Never heard that one before. 00:45:13.441 --> 00:45:17.281 Another one said, Sets up my find my phone on my device for emergencies and 00:45:17.281 --> 00:45:19.061 then checks my location constantly. 00:45:19.611 --> 00:45:21.591 Whenever my phone buzzes, he asks, Who's that? 00:45:21.711 --> 00:45:23.261 Casually while walking behind my chair. 00:45:23.271 --> 00:45:26.271 If I don't answer immediately he'll hover pretending to be 00:45:26.411 --> 00:45:27.531 cleaning something nearby. 00:45:28.451 --> 00:45:31.431 Another guy said, She memorized my phone password accidentally 00:45:31.661 --> 00:45:32.631 by watching me enter it. 00:45:33.041 --> 00:45:34.481 And then said, You know my memory. 00:45:34.761 --> 00:45:36.931 It's just something that now I can't get out of my head. 00:45:37.411 --> 00:45:40.391 But then mentions all the notifications that she saw when I was in the shower. 00:45:40.481 --> 00:45:41.811 Oh, your mom messaged you from earlier. 00:45:42.536 --> 00:45:48.046 And I go back to, again, this is a funny one because in emotionally healthy, 00:45:48.056 --> 00:45:52.536 connected, mature relationships, I'm a big fan of people having their 00:45:52.586 --> 00:45:54.286 passwords to their partner's phones. 00:45:54.716 --> 00:45:58.006 And is there anything in my phone that I'm worried that somebody 00:45:58.006 --> 00:45:59.806 is going to see or go through? 00:46:00.246 --> 00:46:00.786 No. 00:46:01.096 --> 00:46:05.206 And if you are, then that is maybe something that you can do a little 00:46:05.206 --> 00:46:06.596 bit of self confrontation on. 00:46:06.966 --> 00:46:09.196 Are you willing to take ownership of the fact that, hey, there are 00:46:09.196 --> 00:46:11.736 some things on there that I'm not ultimately comfortable with you seeing? 00:46:12.271 --> 00:46:16.441 And then knowing a good reason why, because I also believe that 00:46:16.441 --> 00:46:18.351 people are allowed to have privacy. 00:46:18.711 --> 00:46:21.971 But when you're in a mature adult relationship, hopefully you can see 00:46:21.991 --> 00:46:25.791 where that can be difficult because why do I feel like there's something 00:46:25.791 --> 00:46:27.981 that I can't share with my partner now, 00:46:27.981 --> 00:46:31.371 because if it is something that is, is necessary to have some 00:46:31.371 --> 00:46:33.081 privacy around, then can I. 00:46:33.471 --> 00:46:37.341 Calmly and comfortably state the reasons why I need this privacy. 00:46:37.371 --> 00:46:41.601 And then if my partner gets really upset, I can understand, I can empathetically 00:46:41.601 --> 00:46:44.931 understand why that would be difficult because then at that point I'm saying, 00:46:44.941 --> 00:46:47.961 Hey, I know it might be difficult, but I would, I would love your trust 00:46:47.961 --> 00:46:52.111 on this right now, but if it gets too uncomfortable for you, then let me know. 00:46:52.161 --> 00:46:56.181 And we can have a more mature conversation and we can continue to have 00:46:56.181 --> 00:46:59.771 conversations around this because I really want you to feel heard and understood, but 00:46:59.771 --> 00:47:03.401 there are just certain things that I need to protect because of whatever that is. 00:47:03.671 --> 00:47:06.081 That reason is I put these under the category of achievement 00:47:06.301 --> 00:47:08.241 diminishment, because I think there were several of these. 00:47:08.501 --> 00:47:12.341 A person said that when I won an employee of the year award that my spouse 00:47:12.341 --> 00:47:15.521 said, yeah, they always give it to a newcomer to just boost their morale. 00:47:16.021 --> 00:47:18.691 Another person said, after I finished my first marathon, my 00:47:18.691 --> 00:47:19.731 spouse said, Hey, it's great. 00:47:19.731 --> 00:47:21.951 You finished, even if it wasn't under the four hours, like I think 00:47:21.951 --> 00:47:23.681 the average marathon is, which. 00:47:24.241 --> 00:47:26.641 I don't know if there's a, any truth to that or not. 00:47:26.641 --> 00:47:31.201 I know there's a magical four hour mark, but there's nothing productive about 00:47:31.241 --> 00:47:35.491 saying, Oh, I thought you were going to go faster or, well, is that even a good time? 00:47:36.051 --> 00:47:38.091 Because this is a moment to just celebrate somebody's 00:47:38.121 --> 00:47:39.481 accomplishment or their achievement. 00:47:40.201 --> 00:47:42.861 Another person said, when I finished my master's degree, she told everybody at the 00:47:42.861 --> 00:47:46.531 celebration dinner about how, when she was younger, she had actually gotten accepted 00:47:46.531 --> 00:47:50.621 to Harvard, but chose to raise a family instead ending with, but your online 00:47:50.621 --> 00:47:52.071 program, honey, that sounds nice too. 00:47:52.071 --> 00:47:55.671 Another person said, after I had some artwork displayed in an opening at a 00:47:55.671 --> 00:48:00.071 gallery, he spent the drive home talking about how his friend who makes real money 00:48:00.411 --> 00:48:04.971 from art by doing corporate logos is the one that really has the art game figured 00:48:04.971 --> 00:48:06.781 out instead of just doing paintings. 00:48:07.281 --> 00:48:09.261 So here's a speed round under weaponized routines. 00:48:09.941 --> 00:48:12.241 Return, he returns empty milk cartons to the fridge. 00:48:12.361 --> 00:48:13.831 Well, I thought you'd want to recycle it yourself. 00:48:14.581 --> 00:48:19.011 Or this guy said, my wife sets all the clocks 15 minutes fast quote to help 00:48:19.011 --> 00:48:22.801 me be more punctual, but then doesn't tell me which ones, because she says 00:48:22.801 --> 00:48:25.931 that if I'm always guessing, then I'll be more aware and more alert. 00:48:26.471 --> 00:48:29.791 Every time I have an early meeting, she does a face mask routine in her 00:48:29.791 --> 00:48:33.551 only bathroom, taking 45 minutes because, quote, skin care is important. 00:48:34.051 --> 00:48:36.121 She works from home and she has no morning meetings. 00:48:37.101 --> 00:48:40.481 Another person said he constantly forgets to transfer laundry to 00:48:40.481 --> 00:48:43.611 the dryer only when I need my work clothes, saying, just buy more 00:48:43.611 --> 00:48:44.711 clothes if you're so worried about it. 00:48:45.776 --> 00:48:49.526 And then financial manipulation, this one, these get tough because the financial 00:48:49.526 --> 00:48:54.716 piece I know is a big reason why some people do feel like they have to stay in 00:48:54.716 --> 00:48:58.506 relationships and there is an acceptance there for some that is most likely 00:48:58.506 --> 00:49:02.676 where one has to operate from as long as they need to, in order to try to get 00:49:02.676 --> 00:49:05.916 their, I want to say affairs in order, but I feel like that's something from 00:49:05.916 --> 00:49:08.166 maybe an eighties bond villain movie. 00:49:08.849 --> 00:49:09.319 One guy said 00:49:09.319 --> 00:49:12.189 he offers to split dinner, but then he forgets his wallet. 00:49:12.299 --> 00:49:15.049 So then when I pay, he tells everybody about the expensive purse 00:49:15.049 --> 00:49:16.379 that I bought for myself last month. 00:49:16.789 --> 00:49:19.379 And he says, yeah, I could just never justify spending that much on myself. 00:49:20.569 --> 00:49:24.389 This next one is one that I, boy the Venmo, the comments on Venmos are 00:49:24.389 --> 00:49:28.429 really fascinating to me because I, I almost feel like as much as I use The 00:49:28.429 --> 00:49:31.909 service myself, the comments, other than trying to make funny jokes about 00:49:31.909 --> 00:49:35.149 them, I'm not really sure , if they're very helpful or very productive. 00:49:35.689 --> 00:49:39.269 And this woman said, he'd been most me for his half of utilities with public 00:49:39.279 --> 00:49:44.249 comments, like again, and a little crying face emoji or supporting your expensive 00:49:44.249 --> 00:49:45.759 taste and leaving all the lights on. 00:49:46.109 --> 00:49:48.779 And Hey, I didn't know we hated the environment so much 00:49:49.009 --> 00:49:50.279 visible to all of our friends. 00:49:50.779 --> 00:49:52.899 Tags me in social media posts about budgeting. 00:49:53.409 --> 00:49:58.069 Oh, thought of you when I saw this guide for overspenders again, doing 00:49:58.069 --> 00:50:02.199 this in the public forum announces my salary at family gatherings. 00:50:02.539 --> 00:50:03.449 Hey, we're all family here. 00:50:03.449 --> 00:50:04.149 No secrets. 00:50:04.839 --> 00:50:06.039 I wish I knew more on that one. 00:50:06.049 --> 00:50:08.849 The salary thing is a really fascinating one because I've worked with people 00:50:08.849 --> 00:50:13.019 that have wanted to pretend that they do better than they, they do, except 00:50:13.399 --> 00:50:18.289 For when it becomes a matter of someone else in the family needing something. 00:50:18.749 --> 00:50:20.699 And now all of a sudden, Oh no, I don't do that. 00:50:20.699 --> 00:50:21.909 Well, I do well. 00:50:21.929 --> 00:50:25.669 I do really well when it's time to be admired for doing well. 00:50:26.099 --> 00:50:28.759 But then if there's actually somebody that might need some help, 00:50:29.389 --> 00:50:30.229 I just actually, we don't do that. 00:50:30.249 --> 00:50:34.249 Co parenting undermining when I enforce our no iPad at restaurants rule, 00:50:34.299 --> 00:50:36.979 she slips our daughter, her phone under the table, whispering, just 00:50:36.979 --> 00:50:38.239 don't hold it up where daddy can see. 00:50:39.059 --> 00:50:41.869 Here's another one that says, after I spent an hour helping with homework, 00:50:42.029 --> 00:50:43.939 he comes in saying, let daddy help. 00:50:43.949 --> 00:50:45.839 Mom's better at the creative stuff than math. 00:50:46.189 --> 00:50:47.959 Despite I'm literally an accountant. 00:50:47.959 --> 00:50:52.479 Buys noisy toys right before bedtime, but daddy lets them play drums before sleep. 00:50:52.509 --> 00:50:56.129 I don't know if that one's literal, but I think we can see the point 00:50:56.739 --> 00:50:59.219 or mom's rules don't count at fun. 00:50:59.219 --> 00:51:01.819 Dad's house while giving them energy drinks at 8 PM. 00:51:02.299 --> 00:51:03.579 Those both came from the same person. 00:51:03.629 --> 00:51:07.009 Either that is a pretty interesting household, or maybe they have a 00:51:07.129 --> 00:51:09.579 pension for grandiosity, shall we say? 00:51:09.699 --> 00:51:10.549 . what did we learn today? 00:51:10.789 --> 00:51:15.229 I think that the first big takeaway the power of patterns, because what 00:51:15.229 --> 00:51:18.639 we saw, I think in all these stories about single incidents is that there's 00:51:18.659 --> 00:51:22.089 a relentless repetition, you know, that snarky comments about your 00:51:22.099 --> 00:51:23.539 coffee order, isn't just about coffee. 00:51:23.889 --> 00:51:28.059 The slow walk to the car before your family event, isn't just about being late. 00:51:28.629 --> 00:51:31.879 These are tactical behaviors that create an environment of tension 00:51:32.409 --> 00:51:34.839 and constant anxiety and self doubt. 00:51:35.231 --> 00:51:36.281 What are some things you can do? 00:51:37.051 --> 00:51:39.381 I do recommend start keeping a simple journal. 00:51:39.471 --> 00:51:42.741 And I used to say not to build the case, but a little bit of case building, but 00:51:42.741 --> 00:51:45.091 more to recognize patterns, because when you see these behaviors written 00:51:45.091 --> 00:51:47.091 down, you'll start noticing how. 00:51:47.786 --> 00:51:48.236 Predictable. 00:51:48.236 --> 00:51:51.046 They can be, and maybe sometimes strategic and that helps you move 00:51:51.046 --> 00:51:54.726 from maybe I'm being too sensitive to, okay, this is a pattern. 00:51:55.116 --> 00:51:57.256 And I think that maybe this is more of a pattern of control. 00:51:58.176 --> 00:52:01.876 And maybe the second takeaway today would be the weaponization of plausible 00:52:01.916 --> 00:52:04.946 deniability, because notice how nearly every example that we talked 00:52:04.956 --> 00:52:06.586 about today could be explained away. 00:52:07.001 --> 00:52:11.831 I was just joking or you're reading too much into things or the old classic. 00:52:11.891 --> 00:52:12.721 That's not what I meant. 00:52:13.681 --> 00:52:15.141 This isn't accidental. 00:52:15.181 --> 00:52:19.501 It's a strategy that keeps you questioning your own reality, which then inflicts 00:52:19.501 --> 00:52:22.641 yet another cut and unfortunately you end up wasting a tremendous amount 00:52:22.641 --> 00:52:26.911 of your emotional calories, emotional energy, and time trying to make 00:52:26.911 --> 00:52:30.761 sense of nonsense and wondering what is wrong with you when nothing is. 00:52:31.421 --> 00:52:35.641 You're just trying to figure out how to improve a relationship, but 00:52:35.641 --> 00:52:39.871 you're doing it blindfolded or with, with both arms tied behind your back. 00:52:40.601 --> 00:52:41.391 So what can you do? 00:52:41.681 --> 00:52:45.531 I really want you to start trusting your body's response because your anxiety 00:52:45.561 --> 00:52:49.471 about taking a shower or checking your phone or enjoying a moment of relaxation. 00:52:50.351 --> 00:52:52.801 Let's start looking at it as that's not paranoia. 00:52:52.861 --> 00:52:56.381 That's your body keeping the score of all of those small cuts. 00:52:56.951 --> 00:53:00.951 Your feelings are evidence, even when the behaviors seem like they're too 00:53:00.951 --> 00:53:04.851 small to matter, because they're small enough that they do matter to you, even 00:53:04.851 --> 00:53:06.091 if they don't matter to somebody else. 00:53:06.581 --> 00:53:09.601 Maybe one more big takeaway, the importance of validation, because 00:53:09.601 --> 00:53:12.701 I think a lot of listeners write in saying some version of the, I thought 00:53:12.701 --> 00:53:15.646 I was the only one, or I didn't think anybody else would understand. 00:53:16.056 --> 00:53:20.106 But these small wounds are designed to, to isolate you because they 00:53:20.106 --> 00:53:21.866 seem so minor to other people. 00:53:22.376 --> 00:53:25.326 But today we heard for the eighth installment how universal 00:53:25.326 --> 00:53:26.616 these experiences actually are. 00:53:26.876 --> 00:53:30.646 And I have plenty more that I can pull for episode nine . What can you do? 00:53:30.666 --> 00:53:31.406 Share your story. 00:53:31.436 --> 00:53:34.586 Whether in a support group or with a therapist who understands narcissistic 00:53:34.666 --> 00:53:37.516 abuse or the emotional immaturity or the podcast community even. 00:53:38.176 --> 00:53:41.726 When we share these small stories, we help others understand that they're not alone. 00:53:42.316 --> 00:53:44.886 That they're not crazy and that these death by a thousand cuts 00:53:44.886 --> 00:53:49.566 relationships are very real and they are very valid experiences. 00:53:50.296 --> 00:53:53.296 Because I just want you to remember that no single paper cut is enough to make 00:53:53.296 --> 00:53:54.726 you question your entire relationship. 00:53:55.026 --> 00:53:58.336 And that's exactly why this form of emotional abuse is so effective. 00:53:59.016 --> 00:54:03.746 But understanding these patterns, trusting your experience, your gut, 00:54:04.196 --> 00:54:08.366 and sharing your story can be really powerful steps toward healing and 00:54:08.366 --> 00:54:11.716 starting to reclaim your reality. 00:54:12.286 --> 00:54:16.196 And then one more thing that I want to talk about, and I think this is crucial. 00:54:16.746 --> 00:54:17.586 Self compassion. 00:54:18.406 --> 00:54:21.826 Last week, over on the Virtual Couch podcast, I had my associates 00:54:21.826 --> 00:54:24.866 and friends, Nate and Marla Christensen, on, and we talked about 00:54:24.866 --> 00:54:26.896 the importance of self compassion. 00:54:27.426 --> 00:54:31.456 And I highly recommend that episode, but it's based off of the work of Dr. 00:54:31.456 --> 00:54:32.276 Kristen Neff. 00:54:32.506 --> 00:54:33.056 And Dr. 00:54:33.056 --> 00:54:36.996 Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin in their 00:54:36.996 --> 00:54:38.596 Department of Educational Psychology. 00:54:38.956 --> 00:54:41.246 And she's been credited with conducting the first academic 00:54:41.246 --> 00:54:42.546 studies into self compassion. 00:54:42.976 --> 00:54:45.636 And her research shows that self compassion is not just 00:54:45.646 --> 00:54:46.556 being nice to yourself. 00:54:46.876 --> 00:54:48.936 She has 20 years of data now that show it's about treating 00:54:48.936 --> 00:54:52.826 yourself with the same kindness that you would show a good friend. 00:54:53.486 --> 00:54:55.976 Because think about it, if your friend told you that they were feeling 00:54:55.996 --> 00:55:01.666 anxious about taking a shower in their own home, or nervous about smiling 00:55:01.696 --> 00:55:05.196 at their phone, would you tell them that they're being too sensitive? 00:55:06.196 --> 00:55:06.796 Of course not. 00:55:07.376 --> 00:55:09.276 Or if you would, but you're being a weenie. 00:55:09.306 --> 00:55:13.056 And I worry that too often when people do hear things like, would you talk to your 00:55:13.056 --> 00:55:14.506 friend the way that you talk to yourself? 00:55:14.746 --> 00:55:18.746 People in my very office have said, yeah, actually, I think I would. 00:55:19.376 --> 00:55:21.416 Well, again, it's a jerk move. 00:55:21.946 --> 00:55:25.176 So hopefully you'd recognize their pain and you'd validate their experience. 00:55:25.666 --> 00:55:28.876 So this is especially important for survivors of the death by a 00:55:28.876 --> 00:55:30.636 thousand cuts types of relationships. 00:55:30.961 --> 00:55:34.131 Because, we've often internalized the message that our feelings are 00:55:34.131 --> 00:55:36.171 too much, or that we're overreacting. 00:55:36.201 --> 00:55:36.841 And guess what? 00:55:36.971 --> 00:55:39.181 You are not too much, and you're not overreacting. 00:55:39.661 --> 00:55:41.211 Your feelings are there because, 00:55:41.261 --> 00:55:41.691 they are. 00:55:42.431 --> 00:55:45.031 And self compassion has three key elements. 00:55:45.091 --> 00:55:46.821 Self kindness, instead of self judgment. 00:55:47.181 --> 00:55:50.881 Recognizing our common humanity, instead of feeling isolated. 00:55:51.161 --> 00:55:54.221 And then, mindfulness of our emotions, instead of avoiding them. 00:55:55.071 --> 00:55:58.171 Because when you catch yourself thinking I should be over this by now, or why 00:55:58.171 --> 00:56:00.071 am I so affected by such small things? 00:56:00.111 --> 00:56:00.481 Pause. 00:56:01.176 --> 00:56:04.506 Acknowledge that your pain is real, and that you're not alone in these 00:56:04.506 --> 00:56:07.506 experiences, and that your feelings are a natural response to the ongoing 00:56:07.506 --> 00:56:11.316 emotional trauma, and your sensitivity isn't a weakness, it's your humanity 00:56:11.326 --> 00:56:14.386 showing through, despite somebody else's attempts to diminish it. 00:56:15.146 --> 00:56:18.956 You are okay, you're not broken, you're human, and this is the very first time 00:56:18.986 --> 00:56:20.821 that you are going through life as you. 00:56:20.961 --> 00:56:24.251 Check that out because you are this beautiful combination of your nature 00:56:24.251 --> 00:56:26.981 and your nurture and your birth order and your DNA, your abandonment your 00:56:26.981 --> 00:56:30.921 rejection, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, all of these things that make 00:56:30.921 --> 00:56:34.741 you, you, because you're the only one who knows what it feels like to be you. 00:56:34.771 --> 00:56:37.511 Now, sure, we grew up needing validation from our parents. 00:56:37.511 --> 00:56:42.321 We grew up afraid of this abandonment and , we worry that if we're alone, we will die. 00:56:43.216 --> 00:56:44.476 But you're going to be okay. 00:56:44.506 --> 00:56:46.116 And you're going to start to figure these things out. 00:56:46.146 --> 00:56:49.566 And a big piece of that is learning how to trust yourself, trust your gut. 00:56:49.886 --> 00:56:52.936 And even if that doesn't mean you are necessarily taking action on 00:56:52.946 --> 00:56:56.186 things today, after listening to this podcast, you're just now starting 00:56:56.186 --> 00:56:57.506 to know what you didn't know before. 00:56:57.736 --> 00:57:01.196 And that is part of this process of becoming or this path of enlightenment. 00:57:01.496 --> 00:57:02.416 You didn't know what you didn't know. 00:57:02.446 --> 00:57:04.836 Now, so hard to implement things or what do I do? 00:57:05.246 --> 00:57:08.156 And over time, you're going to do the things that you are learning 00:57:08.156 --> 00:57:09.086 about more than you don't. 00:57:09.496 --> 00:57:10.846 And at some point you become. 00:57:11.566 --> 00:57:14.436 And that interior landscape of your mind or what it feels like to be 00:57:14.436 --> 00:57:18.126 you this concept of the implicit memory, which is based on the 00:57:18.226 --> 00:57:20.146 slow residue of lived experience. 00:57:20.516 --> 00:57:21.386 We'll start to change. 00:57:21.386 --> 00:57:25.516 And I promise this is the part where one cannot lead someone to a place 00:57:25.516 --> 00:57:26.666 that they've never been before. 00:57:27.066 --> 00:57:30.826 And I want to promise you that when you really invest in this work on 00:57:30.836 --> 00:57:35.566 loving yourself, self compassion, self care, that over time, what it feels 00:57:35.566 --> 00:57:37.986 like to be yourself is pretty good. 00:57:38.476 --> 00:57:41.346 And your default can change from the what's wrong with me, or I 00:57:41.406 --> 00:57:43.436 don't even want to engage in life, or I don't want to deal with these 00:57:43.436 --> 00:57:46.376 uncomfortable things to I am present. 00:57:46.656 --> 00:57:48.336 I, I will figure this out. 00:57:49.076 --> 00:57:49.706 Check that out. 00:57:49.706 --> 00:57:51.156 These are thoughts and feelings and emotions. 00:57:51.176 --> 00:57:53.156 And I'm going to grab hold of the ones that I think are really helpful 00:57:53.156 --> 00:57:56.516 and productive to me because I'm aware of who I am and what values I 00:57:56.516 --> 00:57:57.996 really want to go after in my life. 00:57:59.256 --> 00:58:01.786 So if you have questions, thoughts, experiences, please reach out 00:58:01.786 --> 00:58:03.446 to me at contactattonioverbay. 00:58:03.446 --> 00:58:03.656 com. 00:58:03.656 --> 00:58:05.756 I would love your stories of the death by a thousand cuts. 00:58:05.756 --> 00:58:08.626 I hope you will find me on Patreon and let's continue to 00:58:08.636 --> 00:58:09.526 go on this journey together. 00:58:09.906 --> 00:58:12.436 And I hope you have an amazing and wonderful week and I will see you 00:58:12.446 --> 00:58:14.166 next time on Waking Up to Narcissism.