WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:13.070 --> 00:00:13.580 Hey, everybody. 00:00:13.580 --> 00:00:18.680 Welcome to a very special edition of the virtual couch and waking up to narcissism 00:00:19.040 --> 00:00:22.100 episodes, 429 and 123 respectively. 00:00:22.100 --> 00:00:23.300 I am your host, Tony Overbay. 00:00:23.300 --> 00:00:24.890 I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. 00:00:25.400 --> 00:00:27.740 And I'm broadcasting today from my office in Mesa, Arizona. 00:00:27.770 --> 00:00:30.860 And I have a CoStar who is a cricket that I cannot locate, but he will 00:00:30.860 --> 00:00:31.910 be featured in the background. 00:00:32.360 --> 00:00:35.540 And now if you are in the Mesa area, Phoenix area, looking for 00:00:35.540 --> 00:00:37.640 somebody to come speak to your church, your corporate event. 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:38.780 Please reach out to me. 00:00:38.930 --> 00:00:40.250 And I love talking about. 00:00:40.700 --> 00:00:43.890 Communication improving your marriage parenting, turning away 00:00:43.890 --> 00:00:45.810 from an unhealthy coping mechanisms. 00:00:46.290 --> 00:00:52.020 And if you are savvy to the rules of the internet, then unhealthy coping mechanisms 00:00:52.020 --> 00:00:55.440 are things like corn or pornography. 00:00:56.340 --> 00:00:59.940 I hope you catch the drift, but reach out to me a contact@tonyoverbay.com. 00:01:00.300 --> 00:01:03.810 And I would also encourage you to sign up for my newsletter and follow 00:01:03.810 --> 00:01:07.410 me on Instagram at virtual dot couch and Tik TOK at virtual couch. 00:01:07.440 --> 00:01:09.600 I'm continuing to do live question and answer events with 00:01:09.600 --> 00:01:10.770 my daughters, Mackey and Sydney. 00:01:11.130 --> 00:01:13.289 And those are the highlights of my week. 00:01:13.890 --> 00:01:17.680 And I hope you heard and enjoyed the new intro song today. 00:01:17.740 --> 00:01:18.580 It's a song. 00:01:18.850 --> 00:01:22.330 That will be featured prominently on the waking up to narcissism podcast. 00:01:22.570 --> 00:01:23.950 And it's called not my job. 00:01:24.040 --> 00:01:25.180 It's by Riley hope. 00:01:25.570 --> 00:01:28.900 And she is an amazingly talented, independent recording artist, composer, 00:01:28.930 --> 00:01:32.800 singer, songwriter, and producer, and she liked the reel on Instagram. 00:01:32.800 --> 00:01:34.390 And I happened to click on her account. 00:01:34.720 --> 00:01:37.750 To see what she did because she had one of those little blue check marks. 00:01:38.110 --> 00:01:41.710 And I was immediately met with a song on her account. 00:01:42.040 --> 00:01:42.640 And I was hooked. 00:01:42.760 --> 00:01:45.010 So I reached out to her and she was kind enough to give me the 00:01:45.010 --> 00:01:48.340 ability to share her song as an intro for waking up to narcissism. 00:01:48.340 --> 00:01:51.310 And I thought that there was no better place to debut the song 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:52.750 than on a crossover episode. 00:01:52.750 --> 00:01:56.560 So my virtual couch people will have a chance to hear her music as well. 00:01:56.740 --> 00:02:01.150 And so Riley says that she is working to blend the genres of cinematic orchestra. 00:02:01.630 --> 00:02:06.100 Cinematic or Kestrel indie folk pop into a deeply emotional and unique soundscape. 00:02:06.430 --> 00:02:09.759 She says that her music draws inspiration from the nostalgia of her earlier 00:02:09.759 --> 00:02:11.590 roots in classical music and choir. 00:02:11.930 --> 00:02:13.010 She does theater. 00:02:13.160 --> 00:02:16.910 She blends this emotion and symbolism and deeper life truths and vulnerability 00:02:16.910 --> 00:02:18.380 and storytelling with every song. 00:02:18.576 --> 00:02:22.293 if you listen to the words of not my job, it's beautiful because it's not my job 00:02:22.323 --> 00:02:24.269 to, to manage other people's emotions. 00:02:24.269 --> 00:02:28.589 , it's a deep track written in what took her years of therapy to finally learn, 00:02:28.619 --> 00:02:31.409 including self-worth and boundaries and the power of choosing yourself. 00:02:31.629 --> 00:02:34.059 You can find it wherever music is streamed. 00:02:34.509 --> 00:02:37.719 So let's get to today's episode and I would highly encourage you to stay until 00:02:37.719 --> 00:02:39.849 the end or come back and finish this one. 00:02:39.849 --> 00:02:42.729 If you run out of time, because I'm gonna share some things at the end today that 00:02:42.729 --> 00:02:46.269 I can actually use your help with that, we'll have a bit to do with the topic. 00:02:47.019 --> 00:02:47.619 But first. 00:02:48.039 --> 00:02:50.379 I have always enjoyed writing. 00:02:50.529 --> 00:02:53.139 And while I think that most people who enjoy writing off an 00:02:53.139 --> 00:02:56.109 excelled in classes like English, that was not the case for me. 00:02:56.529 --> 00:02:59.559 My problem was grammar and kids. 00:02:59.559 --> 00:03:00.249 If you're listening. 00:03:00.669 --> 00:03:03.219 Imagine a world where there was no such thing as the Grammarly 00:03:03.219 --> 00:03:04.599 app or browser extensions. 00:03:04.629 --> 00:03:09.029 So you were, I dunno, supposed to just no learn what grammar was and grammar 00:03:09.029 --> 00:03:12.869 is tough because I still can remember some of my favorites, the rules. 00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:17.159 I before E except after C except for when it sounds like a like neighbor 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.309 and way, but also how about words like weird and sovereign and foreign 00:03:20.309 --> 00:03:23.419 and height and leisure and feisty and forfeit and counterfeit and slay. 00:03:23.419 --> 00:03:25.879 And then there's a concept called the split infinitive, the rule 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:28.699 against splitting infinitives, putting a word between two and a 00:03:28.699 --> 00:03:31.819 verb is often taught, but doesn't always make sense in modern English. 00:03:31.819 --> 00:03:36.139 For example, to boldly go is a split infinitive, but it's accepted. 00:03:36.529 --> 00:03:39.439 And it sounds a lot better than to go boldly. 00:03:40.069 --> 00:03:43.556 And then there's , my kryptonite ending sentences with prepositions 00:03:43.586 --> 00:03:46.736 because the old role never end a sentence with a preposition used to 00:03:46.766 --> 00:03:48.476 get marked on my papers constantly. 00:03:48.896 --> 00:03:51.496 But that can lead to some very awkward. 00:03:51.796 --> 00:03:52.846 Constructions of sentences. 00:03:52.846 --> 00:03:55.366 For instance, this one is attributed to Winston Churchill. 00:03:55.396 --> 00:03:58.486 He said, The kind of arrogance up with which I will not put. 00:03:59.086 --> 00:04:01.696 Sounds far more a natural, then this is the kind of arrogance 00:04:01.696 --> 00:04:02.506 I will not put up with. 00:04:03.166 --> 00:04:05.176 But we can't end that sentence with a preposition. 00:04:05.986 --> 00:04:09.826 But one thing that I will say that I enjoyed learning about were 00:04:09.826 --> 00:04:13.096 the different ways, which you can convey a meaning or tell a story. 00:04:13.546 --> 00:04:16.006 And over on the waking up the narcissism podcast, I have listeners 00:04:16.006 --> 00:04:17.746 who regularly send me their poetry. 00:04:17.746 --> 00:04:20.996 And that is a form of expression that I know that I don't truly understand 00:04:21.266 --> 00:04:23.306 how it comes about in one's mind. 00:04:23.696 --> 00:04:25.466 But I love reading the poems that people send it on. 00:04:25.466 --> 00:04:26.786 I've done entire episodes on them. 00:04:26.786 --> 00:04:29.706 And for the record, Some of them don't even rhyme. 00:04:30.336 --> 00:04:33.186 And I've been told on more than one occasion, again, over on the waking up 00:04:33.186 --> 00:04:37.746 to narcissism podcast, that some of those podcasts that I do will have different 00:04:37.746 --> 00:04:40.976 meanings to people depending on where one is that in waking up to their own 00:04:40.976 --> 00:04:44.306 emotional immaturity or behaviors or those and their spouse or their partner. 00:04:44.876 --> 00:04:47.996 So when you truly understand who you are and you can remain grounded in a 00:04:47.996 --> 00:04:49.886 difficult conversation, the phrase. 00:04:49.946 --> 00:04:50.966 Well, bless their heart. 00:04:51.206 --> 00:04:51.926 If that's. 00:04:52.526 --> 00:04:56.246 If they want to tell me what they think that I should do about my life, because 00:04:56.246 --> 00:04:59.756 I've realized that I am actually the one who is ultimately in charge of me. 00:05:00.236 --> 00:05:02.726 But if you're grounded, then I'm happy to hear what you have to say. 00:05:03.146 --> 00:05:06.416 But the chances are, I will thank you for your feedback about what you think I'm 00:05:06.416 --> 00:05:08.366 doing or thinking or what I need to do. 00:05:08.906 --> 00:05:13.886 Because that truly does sound like more of something that you are struggling with. 00:05:14.576 --> 00:05:17.366 But when somebody is in the throws of an unhealthy relationship and they feel 00:05:17.366 --> 00:05:20.996 emotionally abused and they don't have a true sense of self, then the phrase. 00:05:21.326 --> 00:05:21.956 Bless their heart. 00:05:21.956 --> 00:05:25.706 It sounds like I don't have a clue of how difficult the relationship is. 00:05:26.546 --> 00:05:30.416 But let's, let's talk about a few literary devices and one 00:05:30.416 --> 00:05:32.186 in particular, the allegory. 00:05:32.486 --> 00:05:35.396 And we're going to spend some time on the allegory today. 00:05:35.876 --> 00:05:38.186 Because I've written my very first allegory and I would love for you 00:05:38.186 --> 00:05:39.476 to go on this journey with me. 00:05:39.956 --> 00:05:42.386 This allegorical journey of self discovery. 00:05:42.946 --> 00:05:47.596 An allegory is a story or a poem or a picture that can be interpreted 00:05:47.866 --> 00:05:51.796 to reveal a hidden meaning, not like in a where's Waldo type of hiding. 00:05:52.216 --> 00:05:55.846 But typically more of a moral or a political or a life, meaning 00:05:55.936 --> 00:05:57.406 that is hidden inside of a story. 00:05:57.916 --> 00:06:00.556 So it's like a, it's like an extended metaphor where characters and 00:06:00.556 --> 00:06:05.416 events and settings often stand for abstract ideas or moral qualities. 00:06:05.906 --> 00:06:09.176 A couple of just real quick examples to set the stage for today, an allegory 00:06:09.176 --> 00:06:10.916 called the garden of hearts might be. 00:06:11.216 --> 00:06:14.906 A story about a gardener who is tending to different types of flowers, and each 00:06:14.906 --> 00:06:18.446 one represents a different kind of, let's say, love romantic, familial friendship. 00:06:19.016 --> 00:06:22.646 So the Gardener's efforts to nurture each flower, despite varying conditions. 00:06:23.066 --> 00:06:26.216 Would then symbolize the challenges and rewards of cultivating different 00:06:26.216 --> 00:06:27.716 types of love in one's life. 00:06:28.226 --> 00:06:30.926 Or imagine a flock of birds that are in a cage, the doors 00:06:30.926 --> 00:06:32.156 open, but they don't fly away. 00:06:32.516 --> 00:06:34.046 Because they've never known anything else. 00:06:34.196 --> 00:06:38.396 This could represent people who remain in limiting situations, 00:06:38.426 --> 00:06:40.916 even when opportunities for change, present themselves. 00:06:41.216 --> 00:06:44.246 That allegory speaks to a lot of the people that I'm working with in therapy. 00:06:44.996 --> 00:06:49.046 But today we are going to explore an allegory titled off the 00:06:49.046 --> 00:06:52.256 beaten path, finding love and self in a world of conformity. 00:06:52.796 --> 00:06:55.976 And the story takes us on a journey up a hill, but it's not just any 00:06:55.976 --> 00:06:57.236 hill and it's not just any journey. 00:06:57.626 --> 00:07:00.626 Cause we're going to follow a protagonist, a young man named Ansul, 00:07:00.956 --> 00:07:04.076 and we'll discover that sometimes the path less traveled can lead to 00:07:04.076 --> 00:07:05.756 the most beautiful destinations. 00:07:06.126 --> 00:07:09.636 I would love for you to watch for themes of, of individuality, of 00:07:09.636 --> 00:07:13.446 conformity, of love, of self discovery in a way that might just make you 00:07:13.446 --> 00:07:15.036 look at your own life's journey. 00:07:15.086 --> 00:07:17.216 Or the journey of somebody close to you a little differently. 00:07:17.556 --> 00:07:21.756 Let's step off this beaten path together and let's see where this story takes us. 00:07:22.456 --> 00:07:26.566 Off the beaten path, finding love and self in a world of conformity. 00:07:27.266 --> 00:07:31.916 Ansul was a young man who had spent his entire life in a quiet village 00:07:31.976 --> 00:07:33.716 at the bottom of a very large hill. 00:07:33.983 --> 00:07:36.893 And for as long as the Ansul could remember the majority of the villagers 00:07:36.893 --> 00:07:40.883 talked about a narrow Rocky path that led up the hill to the most beautiful 00:07:40.883 --> 00:07:42.053 garden that one could imagine. 00:07:42.683 --> 00:07:44.903 And when the children in the village reached a certain age, they were 00:07:44.903 --> 00:07:46.223 given the seeds to hold on to. 00:07:46.703 --> 00:07:49.313 And they were told the one day when they were older, if they stayed true to their 00:07:49.313 --> 00:07:53.573 promises that they had made in their youth, they would have this opportunity to 00:07:53.603 --> 00:07:56.333 plant the seeds in this beautiful garden. 00:07:56.633 --> 00:07:59.933 A garden where their parents and grandparents and great-grandparents. 00:08:00.263 --> 00:08:04.043 Had also planted seeds that were part of this garden and entering the 00:08:04.073 --> 00:08:05.363 beautiful garden, planting your seeds. 00:08:05.363 --> 00:08:08.933 There was truly a right of passage and it was this foundational principle for 00:08:08.933 --> 00:08:11.213 the people that lived in the village. 00:08:12.233 --> 00:08:16.073 For most, if not nearly all of the villagers, the goal of taking 00:08:16.073 --> 00:08:18.353 your seats to the top of the hill and planting in this beautiful 00:08:18.353 --> 00:08:19.643 garden with simply what you did. 00:08:20.183 --> 00:08:20.873 A few questions. 00:08:20.873 --> 00:08:25.313 This time warn village narrative, and most of the people seemed quite content with 00:08:25.313 --> 00:08:28.883 their lives and they were successfully learning and doing the things necessary 00:08:29.213 --> 00:08:32.693 to ensure that they lived in such a way that they would have the opportunity. 00:08:32.993 --> 00:08:35.903 To not only see the garden, but to plant their seeds there and become 00:08:35.903 --> 00:08:40.043 part of the beautifully connected and garden tapestry of their ancestors. 00:08:40.313 --> 00:08:43.733 And this gave them the peace and joy of knowing that they had done what was 00:08:43.733 --> 00:08:45.743 expected of them throughout their lives. 00:08:46.493 --> 00:08:49.913 Now the route up the hill to the garden, wasn't ordinary. 00:08:50.243 --> 00:08:53.243 It consisted of a deeply rutted worn path that featured numerous 00:08:53.273 --> 00:08:56.753 rocks and roots that at times made it really difficult to traverse. 00:08:57.263 --> 00:09:00.563 And a great deal of time was spent studying the path, learning and memorizing 00:09:00.563 --> 00:09:04.463 where each obstacle was to the point that many of the elderly women and elderly 00:09:04.463 --> 00:09:07.493 men of the group could describe the path inch by inch with their eyes closed. 00:09:07.913 --> 00:09:10.853 To ensure that they would remember they often associated stories or meetings 00:09:10.853 --> 00:09:12.263 with the various obstacles on the path. 00:09:12.863 --> 00:09:16.133 So over the course of generations, these stories evolved and they grew to the point 00:09:16.133 --> 00:09:20.003 that there was often debate about what the exact meaning of these stories were. 00:09:20.003 --> 00:09:22.013 And even whether or not the stories were true. 00:09:22.013 --> 00:09:25.073 Now for the youth of the village, the desire to reach the top of the hill 00:09:25.103 --> 00:09:27.803 and the praise and the adoration, the validation that came to those 00:09:27.803 --> 00:09:31.283 who could memorize the route at a very young age, or tell those stories 00:09:31.283 --> 00:09:34.763 about the various obstacles along the way, that became a pretty key focus. 00:09:35.423 --> 00:09:39.233 So as a kid, Ansul would sometimes have the opportunity to walk the path with his 00:09:39.233 --> 00:09:40.703 parents or one of the village leaders. 00:09:41.153 --> 00:09:44.213 And they will get to the park at the top of the hill with the entrance to the 00:09:44.213 --> 00:09:47.783 garden and site and spend the afternoon having a picnic or simply enjoying the 00:09:47.783 --> 00:09:49.793 peace and calm that the park provided. 00:09:50.093 --> 00:09:54.203 But Ansul being the energetic kid that he was, would often venture off from 00:09:54.203 --> 00:09:57.173 his family under the guise of finding a walking stick, maybe for the way back. 00:09:57.533 --> 00:10:00.473 And he'd wander over to the entrance of the garden and take in its beauty. 00:10:00.473 --> 00:10:02.843 And inevitably one of the garden workers would kindly 00:10:02.843 --> 00:10:04.193 escort him back to his family. 00:10:04.223 --> 00:10:05.303 The grownups kept telling him. 00:10:05.693 --> 00:10:08.213 You have to wait until you're older to actually go into the 00:10:08.213 --> 00:10:09.713 garden and plant your seeds. 00:10:10.313 --> 00:10:13.973 But the more you get ready for it now, the better that your life will be. 00:10:14.446 --> 00:10:18.016 What Anzel could see of the garden, it did look pretty amazing and he 00:10:18.016 --> 00:10:21.646 noticed how peaceful everybody seemed when they came back from this garden. 00:10:22.096 --> 00:10:24.466 People were always talking about these powerful experiences 00:10:24.466 --> 00:10:25.366 that they had had up there. 00:10:25.846 --> 00:10:30.316 And for many of the villagers, the path, the park and the garden form, 00:10:30.316 --> 00:10:31.756 the majority of what they talked about. 00:10:31.936 --> 00:10:34.996 And so they love to share with the younger people in the village, how 00:10:34.996 --> 00:10:38.416 important it was to prepare yourself, to walk the path and to enter this 00:10:38.446 --> 00:10:39.796 garden, this beautiful garden. 00:10:40.636 --> 00:10:45.736 And even some of Ansell's friends would go on and on about how connected they 00:10:45.736 --> 00:10:47.596 felt to the hill where the garden resided. 00:10:48.166 --> 00:10:50.986 And they would compare where each other was and memorizing the path 00:10:50.986 --> 00:10:52.696 of the garden, sharing the stories. 00:10:53.206 --> 00:10:56.056 The kids were the popular ones in the village that knew those stories 00:10:56.086 --> 00:10:57.826 well, but as hard as Ansul tried. 00:10:58.126 --> 00:10:59.446 And he'd been trying for a long time. 00:10:59.446 --> 00:11:02.866 He just didn't feel that same connection that others did with this hill or 00:11:02.866 --> 00:11:04.726 the same desire to enter the garden. 00:11:04.756 --> 00:11:07.816 And he tried everything that people told them to do and everything 00:11:07.816 --> 00:11:10.396 that they said to try to feel the same feelings that others had about 00:11:10.396 --> 00:11:11.716 the hill or the garden on top. 00:11:12.106 --> 00:11:14.626 But that connection that everybody talked about, it just 00:11:14.656 --> 00:11:15.886 really wasn't happening for him. 00:11:16.666 --> 00:11:19.846 And this was a really, really difficult time for ancil because he started 00:11:19.846 --> 00:11:23.116 feeling disconnected from everybody in the village and from his peers. 00:11:23.116 --> 00:11:24.676 And he kept wondering what is wrong with me? 00:11:25.096 --> 00:11:25.906 Why isn't this working? 00:11:26.446 --> 00:11:29.266 And he would spend hour upon hour, day after day, trying to figure out. 00:11:29.686 --> 00:11:33.436 What he was doing wrong, hoping that maybe just, maybe he would start to 00:11:33.436 --> 00:11:35.746 feel what everybody else was feeling. 00:11:36.616 --> 00:11:38.926 Now Ansell's parents loved him, like crazy. 00:11:39.196 --> 00:11:41.116 And they were always talking to him about what he needed to 00:11:41.116 --> 00:11:42.406 do to get ready for the garden. 00:11:42.916 --> 00:11:45.826 And they tried to conduct lessons about the path and the stories about it. 00:11:46.156 --> 00:11:48.766 But those lessons left Ansul feeling like he wasn't really understanding 00:11:48.766 --> 00:11:52.216 the significance of the garden or the worth of spending hours each week 00:11:52.576 --> 00:11:54.826 talking and learning about the path. 00:11:55.246 --> 00:11:57.196 And Ansul knew that they just wanted the best for him. 00:11:57.676 --> 00:12:00.436 But he couldn't help feeling like he was actually letting them down. 00:12:01.066 --> 00:12:02.386 They'd catch him drawing or reading. 00:12:02.386 --> 00:12:04.276 Things had nothing to do with the path or the garden. 00:12:04.276 --> 00:12:05.326 And while they never set it out. 00:12:05.326 --> 00:12:05.596 Right. 00:12:05.956 --> 00:12:07.336 Ansul felt their disappointment. 00:12:07.996 --> 00:12:10.466 And they were more interested in him focusing on , what they 00:12:10.466 --> 00:12:13.736 would call important things than what he was actually into. 00:12:14.446 --> 00:12:17.926 As Ansul got older, he kept walking the path up the hill just to be in 00:12:17.926 --> 00:12:20.656 the vicinity of the garden, just like everybody else in his family had done. 00:12:21.406 --> 00:12:24.946 But he just couldn't shake this feeling that something was off. 00:12:25.726 --> 00:12:28.906 And everybody else seemed to fit in so easily his friends, his family. 00:12:29.206 --> 00:12:31.966 I had no problem keeping their eyes on the path, following all the rules. 00:12:32.326 --> 00:12:36.186 And they seem to really get , something out of all of the shared experiences that 00:12:36.516 --> 00:12:37.956 the villages were having with one another. 00:12:38.856 --> 00:12:41.716 And according to Ansell's parents, he'd actually come out of the wound, 00:12:41.716 --> 00:12:45.016 mischievous and curious a combination of character traits that his parents 00:12:45.016 --> 00:12:48.466 admitted were pretty challenging at times, especially when he was young, but they 00:12:48.496 --> 00:12:52.126 were also what made Ansul, the person that he was, and they love dance was curiosity. 00:12:52.516 --> 00:12:54.646 But they often tried to steer that curiosity to the things 00:12:54.646 --> 00:12:55.726 that they, as his parents. 00:12:56.026 --> 00:12:58.756 That would help him learn more about what they believed to be 00:12:58.756 --> 00:13:00.706 one of the most important things that he could do with his life. 00:13:00.736 --> 00:13:02.836 Prepare to go to a garden, plant these seeds. 00:13:03.536 --> 00:13:07.406 But the older that Ansul got , the more inner turmoil he had, and he began 00:13:07.436 --> 00:13:11.156 to feel extremely detached from his village and the desires to learn more 00:13:11.156 --> 00:13:12.476 about the path or go to the garden. 00:13:13.046 --> 00:13:15.476 Angela had no desire to try and convince anybody that what they were 00:13:15.476 --> 00:13:18.866 doing was wrong, but he was becoming increasingly more frustrated and 00:13:18.896 --> 00:13:22.646 isolated as he went through the motions without feeling truly connected to his 00:13:22.646 --> 00:13:24.326 village or to their shared experiences. 00:13:24.926 --> 00:13:27.896 He just wanted somebody, anybody to tell him that it was okay. 00:13:28.556 --> 00:13:30.236 For him to just be the way that he was. 00:13:30.446 --> 00:13:31.826 But whenever you opened up to somebody. 00:13:32.186 --> 00:13:35.456 They even being nice would just give them the same advice about getting 00:13:35.456 --> 00:13:38.126 back on the path, climbing that hill, trying to embrace the significance of 00:13:38.126 --> 00:13:40.136 the garden and finding meaning there. 00:13:40.796 --> 00:13:43.826 And Ansul appreciated that they cared and he could feel that caring, but at this 00:13:43.826 --> 00:13:45.866 point, He really had heard it all before. 00:13:45.866 --> 00:13:49.376 And he had tried it all before so many times and it just wasn't working and he 00:13:49.376 --> 00:13:51.446 just felt like, what is wrong with me? 00:13:52.406 --> 00:13:55.526 And to make things even more confusing when he would attempt to jump back into 00:13:55.526 --> 00:13:59.156 the teachings , and do the work and jumping there with both feet, people in 00:13:59.156 --> 00:14:02.156 the village couldn't seem to agree on how to even teach the concepts of the garden. 00:14:02.516 --> 00:14:04.526 And the path that led up to it, some of the elders took 00:14:04.526 --> 00:14:05.846 a more negative slant, more. 00:14:06.206 --> 00:14:09.416 More doom and gloom these warnings about how dangerous it was, if 00:14:09.416 --> 00:14:11.966 you did not stay directly on that path, that led up to the hill. 00:14:12.446 --> 00:14:15.386 They'd say things like don't, you dare take your eyes off that path. 00:14:15.686 --> 00:14:17.456 Or you'll end up broken and you'll end up destroyed. 00:14:17.966 --> 00:14:20.906 But then others would take a completely opposite approach and share amazing 00:14:20.966 --> 00:14:23.786 faith promoting stories about the times that they had climbed the 00:14:23.786 --> 00:14:25.496 hill, walking the path of the garden. 00:14:25.916 --> 00:14:27.026 And what that meant to them. 00:14:27.026 --> 00:14:29.516 Many people now found peace, just walking up to the hill. 00:14:30.066 --> 00:14:33.396 Ansell was lost and he'd ask his parents who am I supposed to listen to? 00:14:33.756 --> 00:14:35.706 The people who are trying to scare me up the hill are the people who 00:14:35.706 --> 00:14:37.116 are claiming that every single thing. 00:14:37.446 --> 00:14:38.496 About the path and the hill. 00:14:38.886 --> 00:14:39.876 Has a sacred meaning. 00:14:39.936 --> 00:14:42.246 And so if I don't figure this out, I'm really missing out. 00:14:42.846 --> 00:14:45.696 And his parents would lovingly say, Hey, whichever one keeps you on that path. 00:14:46.296 --> 00:14:49.506 The problem was none of them really felt like it was motivating Ansul and he felt 00:14:49.506 --> 00:14:53.106 like he couldn't be honest about his thoughts and his feelings without somebody 00:14:53.106 --> 00:14:56.496 shutting him down and giving him advice that he'd already tried so many times. 00:14:57.196 --> 00:15:01.276 So over time, Ansul started to realize just how different he was 00:15:01.276 --> 00:15:04.336 from the people of this village while everybody else was laser focused on 00:15:04.336 --> 00:15:05.956 the path, memorizing all the details. 00:15:06.616 --> 00:15:10.096 Ansell's eyes would actually wonder, and his curiosity would take over and would 00:15:10.126 --> 00:15:13.456 often look around while he was on the path and some of what he saw off the path. 00:15:13.486 --> 00:15:17.266 Yeah, it looked pretty scary, but he also noticed these other gardens in 00:15:17.266 --> 00:15:21.766 the distance and trees and flowers, and they just look beautiful and mysterious. 00:15:22.426 --> 00:15:23.206 But every time. 00:15:23.476 --> 00:15:24.046 Somebody caught. 00:15:24.046 --> 00:15:26.266 And so looking away from the path, they'd scold them. 00:15:26.566 --> 00:15:28.006 Hey, keep your eyes on the path. 00:15:28.366 --> 00:15:28.876 They tell him. 00:15:29.206 --> 00:15:31.186 It's the only way that you're really going to make it to the top. 00:15:31.756 --> 00:15:32.686 But Ansul couldn't help it. 00:15:32.926 --> 00:15:35.146 His curiosity was now just a part of who he was. 00:15:35.326 --> 00:15:36.376 It was what he was born with. 00:15:37.066 --> 00:15:39.676 This curiosity of his, it wasn't just about the path. 00:15:40.036 --> 00:15:41.806 It was how Ansul approached everything in life. 00:15:41.866 --> 00:15:43.726 He saw his curiosity as a gift. 00:15:44.116 --> 00:15:47.806 But when other people didn't share his curiosity or worse, When they 00:15:47.806 --> 00:15:49.846 attacked him for it, it really hurt. 00:15:50.446 --> 00:15:52.636 'cause ANSA, wasn't trying to tell anybody that they were wrong. 00:15:52.636 --> 00:15:56.056 He just wanted to understand people and their experiences and deep down. 00:15:56.446 --> 00:16:00.136 He really wished somebody would be curious about his experiences too. 00:16:00.836 --> 00:16:04.046 Now sometimes Ansul would try to talk about these things, these 00:16:04.046 --> 00:16:05.336 other gardens that he would see. 00:16:05.756 --> 00:16:08.516 But as soon as he brought them up, his friends would shut them down. 00:16:08.546 --> 00:16:09.176 They would tell him. 00:16:09.506 --> 00:16:12.786 Hey, you're wasting your time and you need to focus on the garden at the top 00:16:12.786 --> 00:16:16.536 of the hill and not go looking at these other gardens because those are scary. 00:16:17.496 --> 00:16:19.236 But then one day Ansul meets a woman. 00:16:19.296 --> 00:16:21.966 Her name's Maurice, she was walking the path to, she was carrying her seeds 00:16:21.966 --> 00:16:24.306 from the elders, trying to memorize every little thing about the path. 00:16:24.846 --> 00:16:26.016 There was something different about her. 00:16:26.496 --> 00:16:27.906 Ansul felt this instant connection. 00:16:28.356 --> 00:16:30.576 And she seemed genuinely curious, especially about what 00:16:30.576 --> 00:16:32.526 they were experiencing on the path right then and there. 00:16:33.186 --> 00:16:36.126 She did want to hear what his experience was in the here and now. 00:16:36.726 --> 00:16:39.426 And Ansul couldn't get enough of talking to Maris and they started 00:16:39.426 --> 00:16:40.896 spending more and more time together. 00:16:41.106 --> 00:16:43.956 And Ansul found himself somewhat reinvigorated to learn and understand 00:16:43.956 --> 00:16:46.566 the path because he really wanted to learn and understand more about MIRIs. 00:16:47.196 --> 00:16:50.586 And as they got closer, Ansul opened up to her about his hopes in his dreams. 00:16:50.886 --> 00:16:53.526 And the best part was Marris wanted to know more about them too. 00:16:54.306 --> 00:16:57.426 And they talked about all sorts of things, but often the talk would turn back to 00:16:57.456 --> 00:16:58.926 concepts about the path of the garden. 00:16:58.926 --> 00:17:02.046 And while Maris, his outlook was refreshing to say the very least. 00:17:02.466 --> 00:17:06.036 And soul still felt like he had to withhold some of his feelings. 00:17:06.666 --> 00:17:08.616 Not just about the path or the garden, but especially about 00:17:08.616 --> 00:17:10.356 what he had seen off the path. 00:17:11.056 --> 00:17:14.536 Now the closer that they got the more stressed out and so became. 00:17:14.656 --> 00:17:17.806 Cause he worried that Maris thought that he was just like everybody else I'll focus 00:17:17.866 --> 00:17:19.666 just entirely on the path and the garden. 00:17:19.936 --> 00:17:22.186 And the more they talk, the more anxious he became. 00:17:22.576 --> 00:17:24.406 And he was convinced that if MIRIs really knew. 00:17:24.946 --> 00:17:28.996 How he really thought differently about the garden or the path and 00:17:28.996 --> 00:17:31.666 where his interest actually lay that she would not want to be with him. 00:17:32.026 --> 00:17:34.786 And if she found out that he'd wandered off the path and planted seeds and these 00:17:34.786 --> 00:17:38.176 other gardens gardens that he'd discovered game over is what Ansul thought. 00:17:38.686 --> 00:17:40.786 And that's what we came so stressed about this that he was thinking about. 00:17:41.386 --> 00:17:42.706 I just have to spill everything to Maris. 00:17:42.796 --> 00:17:46.756 He figured if things were going to fall apart, then better know sooner than later. 00:17:46.906 --> 00:17:49.066 And he didn't want to get in any deeper, only to have Maris 00:17:49.066 --> 00:17:50.086 leave when she found out. 00:17:50.416 --> 00:17:51.916 Who he really was. 00:17:52.616 --> 00:17:55.136 So just as Ansul was about to pour his heart out. 00:17:55.286 --> 00:17:56.666 He ran into an elder from the village. 00:17:57.206 --> 00:17:58.706 This guy was a little different from the others. 00:17:58.736 --> 00:17:59.546 He was pretty calm. 00:17:59.546 --> 00:18:01.646 He was pretty confident, not in a show off kind of way. 00:18:01.826 --> 00:18:02.456 He just seemed. 00:18:03.236 --> 00:18:04.586 At peace with himself. 00:18:05.546 --> 00:18:09.956 So feeling very lost Ansul told the elder everything, the other listened, he asked 00:18:09.956 --> 00:18:11.396 some questions and then he said to ancil. 00:18:11.876 --> 00:18:14.636 Are you really ready to share everything about you with Maurice? 00:18:14.636 --> 00:18:17.096 Or are you just hoping that she'll tell you it's okay to be different? 00:18:17.796 --> 00:18:18.816 Is this about her? 00:18:18.846 --> 00:18:21.366 Or is this about your fear of rejection, your fear of being 00:18:21.396 --> 00:18:22.686 seen for who you really are? 00:18:23.586 --> 00:18:27.306 And then the elder went on to talk about patients and how being 00:18:27.306 --> 00:18:31.146 uncomfortable is often where we learn the most about ourselves. 00:18:31.416 --> 00:18:32.886 And we can see the most about others. 00:18:33.396 --> 00:18:35.226 And he asked Dan Sol one more uncomfortable. 00:18:35.256 --> 00:18:35.796 What do we do? 00:18:36.036 --> 00:18:36.696 Do we lash out? 00:18:36.786 --> 00:18:37.536 Do we shut down? 00:18:38.016 --> 00:18:39.066 Do we just keep following along. 00:18:39.066 --> 00:18:41.496 Even when everything inside of us is screaming that something is wrong. 00:18:41.826 --> 00:18:43.086 That I need to do something different. 00:18:43.786 --> 00:18:46.816 And this may Dansel stop any thought and he realized he wasn't 00:18:46.816 --> 00:18:48.106 ready to show Mira says garden. 00:18:48.106 --> 00:18:50.266 Not because it wasn't good enough, but because he hadn't 00:18:50.266 --> 00:18:51.586 fully accepted it himself yet. 00:18:52.396 --> 00:18:54.466 He was trying to get Maris to validate something that he 00:18:54.466 --> 00:18:55.606 wasn't so sure about himself. 00:18:55.786 --> 00:18:56.746 And that wasn't fair to her. 00:18:57.436 --> 00:18:59.416 Because she was just getting to know him after all. 00:19:00.116 --> 00:19:03.146 So instead of sharing everything at once, Ansul decided to wait, he 00:19:03.146 --> 00:19:07.076 kept being curious about Maris, her journey, her family, her past what she 00:19:07.076 --> 00:19:08.216 thought about the garden on the hill. 00:19:08.546 --> 00:19:11.006 He asked her how she felt about the path had she ever wondered about. 00:19:11.606 --> 00:19:13.226 The parts that everybody else ignored. 00:19:14.126 --> 00:19:16.136 Meanwhile Ansul kept visiting his own garden. 00:19:16.166 --> 00:19:19.616 And he started to see that this was where he felt real peace and he felt connection. 00:19:19.616 --> 00:19:20.756 Like you'd never felt before. 00:19:21.026 --> 00:19:23.606 Part of him wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but he also knew. 00:19:23.966 --> 00:19:25.856 That he didn't need everybody to know. 00:19:26.096 --> 00:19:28.286 He wasn't trying to pull anyone away from what they were 00:19:28.286 --> 00:19:29.306 doing or what made them happy. 00:19:30.026 --> 00:19:33.596 And Ansul finally started to realize he was actually okay, just as he 00:19:33.596 --> 00:19:34.916 was and that this was his journey. 00:19:35.156 --> 00:19:37.916 All of his experiences, even the tough ones had made him into who he 00:19:37.916 --> 00:19:39.896 was, this unique, talented person. 00:19:40.316 --> 00:19:42.656 And the more he accepted himself, the more confident he became. 00:19:43.136 --> 00:19:44.396 People in the village started to notice. 00:19:44.396 --> 00:19:47.036 They saw that he wasn't spending as much time on the path, but they 00:19:47.036 --> 00:19:50.086 also saw this new light in his eyes, this joy and his countless. 00:19:50.956 --> 00:19:54.946 Even better, the more time that Ansell's spent with Maris and the more that he 00:19:54.946 --> 00:19:58.336 understood her, and then he opened up, he started to see that Maris wasn't as 00:19:58.336 --> 00:20:01.666 rigid about the path as he thought that she had her own doubts too, because 00:20:01.666 --> 00:20:02.806 it was part of the human experience. 00:20:02.806 --> 00:20:04.666 Sometimes she wondered if the garden at the top would be anything 00:20:04.666 --> 00:20:06.106 like what the other subscribed. 00:20:06.136 --> 00:20:09.076 And she even told Ansul that she sometimes imagined adding your 00:20:09.076 --> 00:20:10.906 own style on the way up the path. 00:20:11.176 --> 00:20:12.136 She was scared to speak up. 00:20:12.406 --> 00:20:14.236 She'd seen how people would share different ideas. 00:20:14.296 --> 00:20:17.806 Got shut down and told to focus on obeying these rules that would eventually help 00:20:17.806 --> 00:20:19.546 them discover their place in the garden. 00:20:20.386 --> 00:20:21.406 So as Ansul and Marisol. 00:20:21.526 --> 00:20:22.726 I spent more time together. 00:20:22.816 --> 00:20:23.986 And so I had this realization. 00:20:24.526 --> 00:20:26.836 Their gardens didn't have to be the same for them to 00:20:26.836 --> 00:20:28.216 appreciate each other's beauty. 00:20:28.936 --> 00:20:32.056 By letting go of his need for Maris to immediately validate him. 00:20:32.236 --> 00:20:34.306 And so gave their relationship room to grow naturally. 00:20:34.616 --> 00:20:36.656 Just like the wild flowers in his own garden. 00:20:37.093 --> 00:20:38.503 And end scene. 00:20:39.763 --> 00:20:42.343 So thank you for listening to this allegory. 00:20:42.763 --> 00:20:46.273 And I want to address some of the main themes that I've written too. 00:20:46.483 --> 00:20:47.863 And see if you pulled these out. 00:20:48.763 --> 00:20:52.393 One of them was individuality versus conformity because the central conflict 00:20:52.423 --> 00:20:55.303 of this allegory revolves around Ansell struggled to fit into a society 00:20:55.303 --> 00:20:56.953 that had pretty rigid expectations. 00:20:57.553 --> 00:21:00.433 And I think that this represents the attention that a lot of people feel, 00:21:00.433 --> 00:21:05.053 but between being true to themselves, And then conforming to societal norms. 00:21:05.773 --> 00:21:07.453 And what I think is so interesting here is that. 00:21:07.733 --> 00:21:12.113 There's nothing wrong with someone who does need a direction and guidance. 00:21:12.743 --> 00:21:13.943 Until they don't. 00:21:15.113 --> 00:21:18.493 We all start from this place of needing external validation to really know who we 00:21:18.493 --> 00:21:20.023 are to really find our own sense of self. 00:21:20.473 --> 00:21:23.443 And so that is going to come from parents that is going to come from 00:21:23.533 --> 00:21:27.403 a church community that is going to come from a village, a family system. 00:21:28.063 --> 00:21:32.263 That there's where the acceptance comes in, that we grow up where we do. 00:21:32.503 --> 00:21:35.023 And we learned the things that we do because that's the things that the 00:21:35.023 --> 00:21:38.313 people in our religious community and our family community, that's 00:21:38.373 --> 00:21:39.783 the things that they teach us. 00:21:39.813 --> 00:21:41.553 What they're sharing what they're projecting. 00:21:42.033 --> 00:21:44.133 But those are the experiences that we begin with. 00:21:44.163 --> 00:21:45.273 There's our starting point. 00:21:45.393 --> 00:21:48.993 That is the muse of which we begin understanding who we are in life. 00:21:49.483 --> 00:21:54.073 It makes sense that for so long, Many of us are going to just follow along 00:21:54.343 --> 00:21:58.153 with , the community norms, the religious community norms, the societal norms, the 00:21:58.153 --> 00:22:00.013 family norms, because that's what we know. 00:22:00.583 --> 00:22:04.183 But then as you go through life and you experience different things, then you 00:22:04.273 --> 00:22:05.653 are going to have different feelings. 00:22:05.653 --> 00:22:08.773 Now, sometimes it's going to be a feeling of safety or security or 00:22:08.803 --> 00:22:11.203 connection, and it's going to feel like this makes so much sense to me, 00:22:11.203 --> 00:22:12.523 but other times you're going to think. 00:22:13.003 --> 00:22:13.243 Okay. 00:22:13.243 --> 00:22:17.053 The feelings that I'm feeling now are going against how I've been told. 00:22:17.053 --> 00:22:19.723 I need to feel where I'm supposed to feel in this situation. 00:22:20.263 --> 00:22:22.543 So, of course, we're going to start from a place of what is wrong with me, 00:22:22.543 --> 00:22:24.133 because this is the way that I was raised. 00:22:24.133 --> 00:22:25.813 These are the things that I was taught to believe. 00:22:26.533 --> 00:22:31.833 Which then I think leads into the second theme that I tried to put in the allegory. 00:22:32.283 --> 00:22:33.423 Which is about faith and doubt. 00:22:33.923 --> 00:22:36.113 While not explicitly religious. 00:22:36.163 --> 00:22:41.023 This story uses the garden and the path as metaphors for a variety of belief systems, 00:22:41.083 --> 00:22:42.823 because Ansell's doubts his questions. 00:22:43.243 --> 00:22:45.913 I think they reflect the experiences of so many people that I work 00:22:45.913 --> 00:22:49.243 with are struggling with their inherited belief systems. 00:22:49.663 --> 00:22:52.963 So they have been given these belief systems and that's their starting point. 00:22:53.833 --> 00:22:57.373 Which I think leads to the third theme, which is this, I love 00:22:57.373 --> 00:22:58.483 a good coming of age story. 00:22:58.483 --> 00:23:02.353 You know, self-discovery Ansell's journey from childhood to adulthood is marked by 00:23:02.353 --> 00:23:06.763 his growing awareness, that his own unique perspective and his own unique needs. 00:23:06.943 --> 00:23:07.573 Exist. 00:23:07.813 --> 00:23:11.453 And I think those symbolize the, this universal process of self discovery. 00:23:11.813 --> 00:23:15.893 That as we go through life and as we're interacting with the things that we 00:23:15.893 --> 00:23:19.943 have been interacting with that, give us a real purpose or sense of self. 00:23:20.423 --> 00:23:22.823 That we're going to have feelings. 00:23:23.063 --> 00:23:26.663 And some of those, again, will feel like this connection with my experience. 00:23:26.663 --> 00:23:28.613 Others will feel like this doesn't work for me. 00:23:28.613 --> 00:23:29.663 This doesn't make sense to me. 00:23:30.503 --> 00:23:32.663 It's kind of leads to the fourth theme, the nature of 00:23:32.723 --> 00:23:34.373 things like truth and knowledge. 00:23:34.873 --> 00:23:37.843 The villages insistence on one right path. 00:23:38.413 --> 00:23:41.083 Well, that worked for a lot of the people in the village. 00:23:41.503 --> 00:23:44.143 For even generations of people, entire family systems, but it can 00:23:44.143 --> 00:23:45.913 trusted with Ansell's curiosity. 00:23:46.513 --> 00:23:47.413 About the other gardens. 00:23:47.473 --> 00:23:49.483 And I think it really speaks to questions about. 00:23:49.719 --> 00:23:53.889 From an allegorical theme, absolute versus relative truth. 00:23:54.009 --> 00:23:57.099 And I run into that in my office a lot where people will say, but 00:23:57.099 --> 00:23:59.979 I do believe there is an absolute truth and absolute right or wrong. 00:24:00.579 --> 00:24:02.199 Where then for others, they're saying, okay. 00:24:02.199 --> 00:24:03.459 But that isn't my experience. 00:24:04.209 --> 00:24:04.869 Another theme. 00:24:05.059 --> 00:24:06.739 Intergenerational expectations. 00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:08.059 This one's a pretty fascinating one. 00:24:08.269 --> 00:24:10.189 You know, this pressure, that Ansul feels from his parents and 00:24:10.219 --> 00:24:11.449 his community to follow tradition. 00:24:11.869 --> 00:24:14.089 I think it really highlights the challenges of living up to 00:24:14.119 --> 00:24:15.979 family or societal expectations. 00:24:16.549 --> 00:24:19.339 And what can be so interesting and difficult about that as, 00:24:19.339 --> 00:24:22.609 as someone is starting to want to go down their own path. 00:24:23.059 --> 00:24:26.329 It can often feel to the people that have already been on the path. 00:24:26.689 --> 00:24:29.929 That wait, if you choose a different path than you are thinking that 00:24:29.929 --> 00:24:31.609 that means that my path is wrong. 00:24:32.089 --> 00:24:32.959 And this is where it is. 00:24:32.959 --> 00:24:34.009 Not that black or white. 00:24:34.189 --> 00:24:35.569 It's not that all or nothing thinking. 00:24:36.049 --> 00:24:40.759 That the person that wants to explore who they are, their individuality, their 00:24:40.759 --> 00:24:42.469 self-discovery, maybe even their own path. 00:24:43.069 --> 00:24:45.799 Then they are not saying your wrong. 00:24:46.459 --> 00:24:50.509 Now when there has been this psychological reactants, the instant negative 00:24:50.509 --> 00:24:51.829 reaction to being told what to do. 00:24:52.399 --> 00:24:55.069 Where, when someone is saying you can't do that now that's a 00:24:55.069 --> 00:24:56.569 built in defense mechanism, man. 00:24:56.569 --> 00:24:57.859 Now I want to do it even more. 00:24:58.609 --> 00:25:01.219 And so this is why the concept of curiosity and just wanting to 00:25:01.219 --> 00:25:03.909 understand what someone else's experience is so important. 00:25:03.909 --> 00:25:04.659 It's so key. 00:25:05.049 --> 00:25:07.809 It's also very scary for the person that is trying to be curious. 00:25:08.349 --> 00:25:12.039 Because now our adorable ego gets in the way and we, we 00:25:12.069 --> 00:25:13.599 feel like I must defend my ego. 00:25:14.089 --> 00:25:17.059 If you are moving away from the things that I taught you or the traditions 00:25:17.059 --> 00:25:18.409 of our family or our fathers. 00:25:18.919 --> 00:25:23.569 Then I need to let you know that that is not the correct way to go, because 00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:26.629 what our subconscious is saying is because then that might mean that 00:25:26.629 --> 00:25:29.059 I could have maybe made a different choice at some point in my life. 00:25:29.989 --> 00:25:33.499 But the reality is sure you could have, but here's where you are as well. 00:25:34.199 --> 00:25:37.499 I think another main theme that I wanted to put throughout 00:25:37.499 --> 00:25:38.849 the allegory is curiosity. 00:25:38.969 --> 00:25:42.179 This concept of being open-minded, Ansell's natural curiosity 00:25:42.239 --> 00:25:43.829 is presented as both a gift. 00:25:44.219 --> 00:25:48.959 And it is a main source of conflict because it emphasizes this value and the 00:25:49.079 --> 00:25:50.969 challenge of maintaining an open mind. 00:25:51.299 --> 00:25:54.479 When he was growing up in a little bit of a closed system. 00:25:55.289 --> 00:25:59.129 Which gives a big challenge to theme seven love and acceptance because 00:25:59.129 --> 00:26:00.629 Ansell's relationship with Maris. 00:26:00.989 --> 00:26:03.719 Explorers this theme of really an authentic connection, 00:26:03.749 --> 00:26:04.799 acceptance for who you are. 00:26:04.799 --> 00:26:05.639 Self acceptance. 00:26:06.179 --> 00:26:07.469 And this fear of rejection. 00:26:07.919 --> 00:26:11.429 Of being one's own true self, because it will often come with 00:26:11.939 --> 00:26:14.249 being banished from the tribe. 00:26:14.879 --> 00:26:17.959 And built into us is that if I am kicked out of my tribe of people 00:26:17.989 --> 00:26:21.949 in my community, Then I am left in this lone world and I will die. 00:26:22.159 --> 00:26:23.659 And that is a really scary feeling. 00:26:23.659 --> 00:26:25.129 So we often compromise our own. 00:26:25.519 --> 00:26:27.019 Sense of self our own integrity. 00:26:27.499 --> 00:26:30.229 For the fear of being abandoned. 00:26:30.289 --> 00:26:32.169 And what if no one will ever then love me? 00:26:32.469 --> 00:26:34.629 That's why it becomes so important as cliched as it is. 00:26:35.169 --> 00:26:36.489 Truly love yourself. 00:26:37.329 --> 00:26:38.169 The eight theme. 00:26:38.359 --> 00:26:40.009 Was personal growth through discomfort. 00:26:40.039 --> 00:26:42.079 One of my favorite things over the last year or so. 00:26:42.589 --> 00:26:45.799 You know, the elders advice, the wise elder about learning through discomfort. 00:26:45.859 --> 00:26:47.899 I think that really reflects this idea, that personal growth. 00:26:48.589 --> 00:26:50.599 It comes through challenging experiences. 00:26:50.779 --> 00:26:53.569 And if you play things safe your entire life, 00:26:53.939 --> 00:26:57.999 then it can really feel like uncomfortable things are a dangerous threat. 00:26:58.629 --> 00:27:02.349 But if you learn that there is going to be growth through discomfort, 00:27:02.739 --> 00:27:06.099 it's not that you necessarily need to go seek very uncomfortable things. 00:27:06.399 --> 00:27:07.389 Although one can. 00:27:08.049 --> 00:27:12.609 But when uncomfortable things occur, then, you know, okay, we can get through this. 00:27:12.609 --> 00:27:13.419 This is happening. 00:27:13.729 --> 00:27:14.689 I will be okay. 00:27:14.689 --> 00:27:15.709 I will learn through this. 00:27:16.699 --> 00:27:18.979 Which that learning leads to theme nine. 00:27:19.489 --> 00:27:23.269 I've called a diversity of thought because the allegory suggests that 00:27:23.269 --> 00:27:26.329 there's value in different perspectives and there's value in different paths. 00:27:26.359 --> 00:27:29.509 Even within a seemingly uniform community. 00:27:30.499 --> 00:27:33.529 And then the last theme that I want to touch on is this journey of 00:27:33.529 --> 00:27:36.529 self-acceptance because ultimately Ansell's realization that he's okay. 00:27:36.529 --> 00:27:39.529 Just as he was, I think truly speaks to the importance of 00:27:39.529 --> 00:27:41.359 self-acceptance and authenticity. 00:27:41.859 --> 00:27:42.519 . At its core. 00:27:42.519 --> 00:27:43.629 I think the story. 00:27:44.109 --> 00:27:47.559 Is the experience of questioning or maybe leaving a family, a 00:27:47.589 --> 00:27:49.259 religious or a cultural tradition. 00:27:49.979 --> 00:27:53.279 Because I often work with those who feel like their own personal journey 00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:54.629 ends up not being so personal. 00:27:55.179 --> 00:27:57.839 So many of us , in life feel like they don't quite fit the mold of their 00:27:57.839 --> 00:28:00.959 community, particularly in terms of their beliefs or even their lifestyle. 00:28:01.239 --> 00:28:04.869 I hope that this garden really represents the promise rewards of 00:28:04.929 --> 00:28:06.759 full participation in a belief system. 00:28:07.449 --> 00:28:10.839 And there are people that, that works wonderfully for, but the 00:28:10.839 --> 00:28:13.689 path I think, represents more of this prescribed way of living. 00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:16.659 And again for some, it works well. 00:28:17.499 --> 00:28:20.139 But Ansul struggle, mirrors the experience of so many who find 00:28:20.139 --> 00:28:21.399 themselves doubting or questioning. 00:28:21.879 --> 00:28:24.669 The beliefs that they were raised with and facing that fear of 00:28:24.669 --> 00:28:25.989 disappointment of rejection. 00:28:26.069 --> 00:28:27.029 Really of the unknown. 00:28:27.899 --> 00:28:29.129 We just crave certainty. 00:28:29.129 --> 00:28:30.059 We crave meaning. 00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:34.719 And the story also touches on the complexities of relationships within the 00:28:34.719 --> 00:28:36.009 context that we're talking about today. 00:28:36.009 --> 00:28:36.699 How doubt. 00:28:37.089 --> 00:28:40.239 Affects family dynamics and friendships and romantic relationships. 00:28:40.849 --> 00:28:45.139 And hopefully it highlighted the challenge of being authentic while navigating all 00:28:45.139 --> 00:28:47.719 of these important connections with the people around you that you grew up with, 00:28:47.719 --> 00:28:50.179 that you are wanting validation from. 00:28:50.879 --> 00:28:54.299 But ultimately, I think, I think this allegory seems to advocate 00:28:54.299 --> 00:28:55.439 for personal authenticity. 00:28:55.469 --> 00:28:57.119 Open-mindedness the idea that there. 00:28:57.719 --> 00:29:00.689 There could be many valid paths in life, not just one. 00:29:00.779 --> 00:29:03.479 And it suggests that true growth and peace comes not from. 00:29:04.109 --> 00:29:06.749 Necessarily rigidly, adhering to one prescribed way. 00:29:06.959 --> 00:29:08.849 That is a wonderful place for one to start. 00:29:09.629 --> 00:29:12.779 But then hopefully the message is heard that then if that prescribed 00:29:12.779 --> 00:29:13.769 weight works for somebody. 00:29:14.339 --> 00:29:15.209 That's wonderful. 00:29:15.869 --> 00:29:18.749 But then it's not the job of another person to try and convince the person 00:29:18.749 --> 00:29:19.949 who's trying to find their own path. 00:29:20.459 --> 00:29:23.939 That their path is wrong or that they need to conform to the path that they are on. 00:29:24.869 --> 00:29:27.839 And in the coming weeks, I'm going to be sharing a few more episodes that will 00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:31.589 cover the concepts of navigating difficult journeys of faith, of family systems. 00:29:31.589 --> 00:29:33.989 And of so many of you who write into me. 00:29:34.409 --> 00:29:37.289 Or people that I'm working with individually or as couples or 00:29:37.349 --> 00:29:39.779 who I read about in various posts and comments on social media. 00:29:40.359 --> 00:29:42.669 That stepping out of your familiar family role or your role 00:29:42.669 --> 00:29:44.469 from my church or a community. 00:29:44.889 --> 00:29:45.669 Uh, faith community. 00:29:45.879 --> 00:29:47.799 It can be really scary because it threatens the 00:29:47.799 --> 00:29:49.569 homeostasis or the status quo. 00:29:50.229 --> 00:29:53.619 And for those who are threatened by somebody that they know or love, who 00:29:53.649 --> 00:29:54.999 is attempting to find their own way. 00:29:55.509 --> 00:29:56.649 Or tried their own path. 00:29:56.679 --> 00:29:58.809 It does not mean that you did anything wrong. 00:29:58.959 --> 00:30:01.779 If that person wants to pursue their own path or live their own life. 00:30:02.409 --> 00:30:04.509 I actually think that it can mean the opposite. 00:30:04.659 --> 00:30:07.689 I think it can actually mean that you created enough space or enough safety 00:30:08.109 --> 00:30:11.169 for that person to feel like they can explore who they are in their own way. 00:30:11.709 --> 00:30:14.949 And it does not threaten who you are or what matters to you. 00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:16.209 And to be fair. 00:30:16.479 --> 00:30:18.969 Another reason why people almost aggressively feel the need to pursue 00:30:18.969 --> 00:30:22.173 their own path can be because they feel overwhelming pressure from a family 00:30:22.233 --> 00:30:24.213 or a church or a community to conform. 00:30:24.213 --> 00:30:25.593 And in that process of conforming. 00:30:26.043 --> 00:30:28.713 They truly believe that they are betraying their own sense of self 00:30:28.743 --> 00:30:30.273 they're compromising their own values. 00:30:30.733 --> 00:30:32.743 They're not coming from a place of personal integrity. 00:30:33.613 --> 00:30:35.443 And there really is. 00:30:35.473 --> 00:30:37.453 The concept of the body keeps the score. 00:30:37.513 --> 00:30:38.953 You can grow through discomfort. 00:30:39.313 --> 00:30:42.373 But there are times where the more you try to lean into something that does not 00:30:42.373 --> 00:30:46.303 feel like this is something that you can do from a place of personal integrity. 00:30:46.993 --> 00:30:50.083 That people do have the panic attacks, their heart rate elevates. 00:30:50.133 --> 00:30:51.153 They have hives. 00:30:51.153 --> 00:30:51.573 They. 00:30:52.203 --> 00:30:53.403 Chronic pain migraines. 00:30:53.403 --> 00:30:57.313 I've worked with so much of that, that called conversion disorder, where your 00:30:57.313 --> 00:30:59.053 body is going to try and protect you. 00:30:59.173 --> 00:31:00.343 Whatever that looks like. 00:31:00.913 --> 00:31:04.543 And so if you've learned a lot from a person, a relationship, a community, 00:31:04.933 --> 00:31:09.283 And now you feel like it, it is done you well, and it is time to learn more. 00:31:09.643 --> 00:31:12.903 And then you try to force yourself back into that community, into that box. 00:31:13.563 --> 00:31:17.433 Your body will often say no, we can't because we're feeling such a connection 00:31:17.483 --> 00:31:20.183 with nature, with the divine, with myself. 00:31:20.483 --> 00:31:23.003 When I am now pursuing my own path. 00:31:23.273 --> 00:31:26.183 Because if somebody is compromising their values, that they're not 00:31:26.213 --> 00:31:27.533 coming from this place of integrity. 00:31:28.343 --> 00:31:31.223 Then too often, I think they're feeling that way because they have not had 00:31:31.223 --> 00:31:34.343 an opportunity to even attempt to discover or to find out who they are. 00:31:34.583 --> 00:31:35.513 What matters to them? 00:31:36.233 --> 00:31:39.143 For the fear of rejection from their family or their church or the community. 00:31:39.743 --> 00:31:41.813 So hopefully if you're somebody feeling like you need to find 00:31:41.813 --> 00:31:44.183 your own path, discover your own values, talents, abilities. 00:31:44.183 --> 00:31:47.753 If you're a religious person to discover your own God given talents and abilities. 00:31:48.263 --> 00:31:50.423 That you can give yourself the permission that you need, even if you 00:31:50.423 --> 00:31:53.003 aren't receiving that permission from your family or your faith community. 00:31:53.453 --> 00:31:56.513 Because ultimately even if they believe that they are coming from a good place, 00:31:56.543 --> 00:31:59.183 because what they are wanting you to do is something that has worked for them. 00:31:59.573 --> 00:32:02.453 Well, As we said at the beginning, bless their hearts. 00:32:02.723 --> 00:32:05.603 Because they truly do mean well, but that doesn't mean that you have to 00:32:05.603 --> 00:32:08.753 sacrifice your own sense of self, because whether you are now realizing 00:32:08.753 --> 00:32:11.393 that you have sacrificed yourself, Up to this point in your life. 00:32:12.083 --> 00:32:14.663 Or back in the religious context that that sacrifice was 00:32:14.663 --> 00:32:16.223 already done a long time ago. 00:32:16.763 --> 00:32:18.923 So that you, the listener can live. 00:32:19.673 --> 00:32:22.403 Either way provides you with the permission to do whatever it is 00:32:22.403 --> 00:32:24.863 that you need to do to become the very best version of yourself. 00:32:25.463 --> 00:32:27.473 Stop burning and wasting emotional calories, trying to 00:32:27.473 --> 00:32:29.543 figure out what's wrong with you because the answer is nothing. 00:32:30.173 --> 00:32:30.773 You're human. 00:32:31.193 --> 00:32:34.433 You are a beautiful combination of your nature and your nurture, your birth order, 00:32:34.433 --> 00:32:37.283 your DNA, your banishment, your rejection, your fears, your hopes, your dreams. 00:32:37.793 --> 00:32:40.433 And all of those amazing things make you, you, so you think the way 00:32:40.433 --> 00:32:41.903 you do and you feel the way you do. 00:32:41.933 --> 00:32:43.643 And that is a wonderful, amazing thing. 00:32:44.393 --> 00:32:46.823 You're this human you're going through life for the very first time. 00:32:46.823 --> 00:32:49.283 And what matters to you is what is going to matter to you? 00:32:49.673 --> 00:32:52.823 And the only way that you're going to find that out is by going out and being, 00:32:52.853 --> 00:32:54.683 and doing, and discovering and learning. 00:32:55.403 --> 00:32:59.753 And that can be thanks to, or in spite of the people who have helped get you 00:32:59.753 --> 00:33:01.403 to this point that you're at right now. 00:33:02.363 --> 00:33:03.833 So thank you for your time today. 00:33:03.833 --> 00:33:06.113 I would love for you to share this particular episode with anybody and 00:33:06.113 --> 00:33:07.463 everybody that you think might benefit. 00:33:07.463 --> 00:33:09.683 And I would love your stories and your questions about your own. 00:33:10.163 --> 00:33:10.883 Faith journeys. 00:33:11.423 --> 00:33:14.333 Family journeys, faith and family deconstructions crisises. 00:33:14.333 --> 00:33:17.183 And let me know if I can use what you send me on any upcoming episodes. 00:33:17.423 --> 00:33:19.433 If you're not comfortable with me discussing what you send, I 00:33:19.433 --> 00:33:21.713 still would love to read your questions and your stories anyway. 00:33:22.403 --> 00:33:23.993 Please send your information. 00:33:23.993 --> 00:33:26.573 Anything that you want to, to contact the Tony overbay.com or go through 00:33:26.573 --> 00:33:27.863 the contact form on my website. 00:33:28.553 --> 00:33:29.513 Tony overbay.com. 00:33:29.843 --> 00:33:32.003 I am grateful for everybody that stuck around. 00:33:32.273 --> 00:33:33.353 Having an amazing week. 00:33:33.773 --> 00:33:37.133 We'll see you next time on waking up the narcism and the virtual couch.