Today.
I want to start with a riddle here.
It goes.
I am not one but many yet in a family.
I stand alone.
I shift and change to please, but my efforts are often like shadows in the sun.
Perfect.
I strive to be yet.
Perfection remains a distant star.
And the background, I fade a whisper in the wind.
Unseen but ever present.
Laughter.
I bring a jester in the court of daily life, but my smile hides
a quest for something more.
Born in a home where maturity was scarce.
And self-centeredness rained.
What role have I been cast and knowingly from the start?
Have you ever found yourself constantly adjusting your actions and your
words to keep somebody else happy?
Especially somebody who seems to never quite acknowledge your efforts.
Or did you also feel the need to continually be perfect?
Or did you feel like you had to just blend into the background in order to
not make things in the family worse?
Or were you the funny guy that comic relief, but now you're
learning that it is hard for you to take almost anything seriously,
especially the things that you want.
In your relationship or in your life?
Well, if that sounds familiar, then you might be playing a role.
That you never auditioned for growing up in an emotionally
immature or narcissistic environment.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to episode 106 of waking up to narcissism.
I am your host, Tony Overbay.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
And today we are going to uncover.
A lot of the dynamics of the hidden dynamics of narcissistic families,
the narcissistic family system.
And we are going to talk about some roles that I've never talked about before.
As a matter of fact, one that I think will make me crawl up into the corner
and assume the fetal position and just, it just, it hits a little bit too deep.
. And before we get to those various family roles, I want to talk a little
bit about the perfect family or does every family have some dysfunction?
And I had several articles up over the last few days.
I put some of my thoughts together.
So I know I'm pulling from some concepts from psychology today, a little bit from
psych central and just a good old Dr.
Google search.
But there's just something about family dynamics, I think is so fascinating,
but it's incredibly complex.
And there's some research by a person named Harkonen back in 2017.
And it really hit home because they said every family with
its quirks, its idiosyncrasies.
It shapes how we think, how we feel and how we interact with the world.
And it really is this unique recipe that takes the nature
of our parents' relationship.
The.
The various personalities in our own family, that it goes into almost the
speech I like to give about why we are the only version of us with our.
Our birth order or DNA or abandonment or rejection, our nature, our
nurture, because all of those things also go into our family, our
family dynamic, our family system.
So you do, you've got these personalities all within our family
life events, where it could be a death of a loved one divorce job loss.
Then we've got our cultural and our ethnic influences and our.
Religious beliefs.
So we've got our beliefs about gender roles and about what success
looks like in is money important.
And we have so many different things that go in to what makes
our family, our family than it is.
It is no shock or surprise that growing up in an open and supportive home.
Is far more like an exception than the norm, but then here's where we
have a little bit of a reality check.
The notion of a perfect family.
Or a perfect parent.
It just is a myth.
It is.
And that's just, we're bringing awareness to that.
Parents are human.
They're not flawless.
They have their own battles and they have their own concerns and most kids can
handle a parent's occasional outburst.
But what really counts is the love and the understanding and the consistency,
the balance, all of that out.
There's a researcher named Shaw that in 2014, talked about functional families.
Where parents aimed to create a safe, loving, respectful environment.
And in those homes, conflict is low.
Support is high and then communication just flows.
And that kind of upbringing them would not only help kids through their
own growing pains, but also leaves a positive imprint as then they step
out into adulthood and they find themselves in more healthy relationships.
And so what does it even mean to grow up in a dysfunctional family?
The family is supposed to be the safest place for a kid to grow up.
And that way it could become this anchor, this place to return to
this securely attached home base.
But if that is not the case, then it becomes a source of emotional wounds
and that will stay with the kid.
I want to say he with him for life.
I mean, it impacts who they are now.
They can use that information to then help them.
Work through that, go to therapy and try to figure out, oh, this is
the reason why I show up the way I do or why I play small or why.
Uh, I feel like I have to command all the attention in the room or
whatever that looks like, but in those Those dysfunctional families.
We're going to talk more about those in the roles that people play in them today.
And those families aggression is typically a common language.
And so then we're talking about behaviors like belittling or
trying to dominate or lying.
The parents are controlling.
And then affection seems almost like a foreign concept and it's either.
Rarely shown or it's completely absent.
And so kids grow up without these reassuring hugs or kind words.
And then the concept of neglect is there.
And kids feeling like they're just floating in the background,
unnoticed and uneasy.
And then you've got things like addiction, where parents are lost in
their own compulsion's it can be work or drugs or alcohol, sex, or gambling.
And unfortunately, in a lot of those cases, violence can become the norm.
With threats or actual physical or sexual abuse.
And then the emotional violence is even more concerning or it's as concerning,
but we don't talk about that enough.
There's not a good way to put words around that.
Because for kids, their family is their whole world.
I mean, when they're little parents are like superheroes, I mean, they're
their protectors and their providers.
And without the parent, then the world out feels absolutely scary and it's unsafe.
But here's the tragic part.
Kids in these environments often find themselves adapting and enabling
the very chaos and instability that is what's harming them.
And.
Kids just don't have the tools to make sense of all this.
They can't always tell what's healthy and what's not, they don't know.
And especially if their parents don't know or aren't modeling that either.
So then a kid might twist their experiences that then fit into
what they think is normal.
So they ended up downplaying things like this, the severity of their
whole situation with excuses.
Like, I mean, he didn't really hit me.
It was just a spanking or, you know, my parents aren't really
just, they aren't violent.
That's just kinda how they communicate or how they get things done.
And then sometimes they'll even take blame for the abuse.
They can, they deserved it because they weren't a being a good kid
or, well, I didn't, didn't clean my room or I did talk back to them.
And that starts this cycle of basically misinterpretation.
And that starts to warp the kids' self view and it leads them to develop
negative beliefs about themselves.
And so on that.
Same note.
If we then go deeper into how our childhood shapes our beliefs.
It's often in ways that we don't even know that's I love talking about that.
We don't know what we don't know.
And so the fact that you're listening to podcasts like mine, or you're
trying to go on this journey of self discovery is you are trying to figure
things out because as kids, we soak up everything around us, like sponges,
where these little emotional sponges.
And there's a researcher name.
Galman who said that the things our parents do and say plant the
seeds in our minds, and then those seeds grow into beliefs that we
carry unchallenged into adulthood.
So then if you think about a lot of different phrases that you hear, children
should always respect their parents or it's my way or no way, or those things.
Aren't just words.
They're laying the foundation, the cement of a belief system
that then can unfortunately.
Some kind of toxic behavior later in life.
And then parents often wrap these beliefs up as advice loaded with a lot of shoulds
and oughts, and you're supposed to.
And sure we can recognize and challenge spoken beliefs.
Like if you grew up hearing that divorce is always bad.
Then you might have a tendency to stay in a Loveless marriage, but at
least you can wrestle with that idea.
You can challenge it because it was spoken.
Those unspoken beliefs.
Those are tricky.
They are below the surface of our awareness.
And, uh, those beliefs that ended up being like the script of a play, you
don't even know you're acting in.
And then those, they come from how your parents interacted with each other or
how they interacted with you, the things you watched them do when they interacted
with even other people in the world.
And then you might end up believing things like, okay, well, women
are less than men or children owe everything to their parents,
regardless of how they're treated.
And those beliefs.
They are, unfortunately they are incredibly powerful and they
often go unquestioned because they're just what we think.
And then there's unspoken rules and these invisible strings that control our lives.
Rules like don't out shine your dad or don't be happier than your mom.
It's almost like the, there's now a family script that we're unconsciously following.
That demands.
Oh, Biance and loyalty.
And there is often a big old gap between what we as children truly want
and what our parents expected from us.
And more often than not this internal pressure and it's even unseen again, it's
in the subconscious, we're just acting on this, but it just doesn't feel right.
And that internal pressure to conform then.
So often overshadows our own needs and desires to become and
to learn and to figure things out.
And then when we don't feel like we're living our true lives, we turn to
unhealthy coping mechanisms and that can lead us to our own self-destruction
and our own unfulfillment.
There was a large group of researchers with.
Several names that are difficult to pronounce, but.
They talked about Kids growing up in these types of environments, that
they have a whole list of challenges.
They're often caught in the middle of parental conflicts.
They're forced to pick sides.
They live in a world of reality, shifting where words and actions
consistently contradict each other.
And they deal with parents who are either too involved or too distant.
And then they're just like this yo-yo effect.
So they're either completely overlooked or they're under a microscope
and that can come at any moment.
And then they might be asked to do more than they can do.
Be parental they're kids or left without any guidance or structure.
And then their own feelings are so often criticized or just completely ignored.
Again, this is all at the whim of the parent.
And that's why we need to do our own work.
So then the kid can experience rejection.
Or, you know, they can also then go quickly to get preferential treatment
depending on how the parent feels.
And some of them even encouraged to use alcohol or drugs or
they endure physical beatings.
And so that kind of upbringing, it will really mess with a
child's ability to trust.
So then, and I'm talking trust in the world and others are
particularly in themselves.
So then they're left without a clear idea of what is normal or what is healthy.
And then as adults, then kids find themselves unable to live without chaos.
They get bored and calm situations.
They've had to grow up too fast.
They lose connection with their own needs and they really
can struggle to ask for help.
They don't want to be.
A burden to anybody.
And those who are constantly ridiculed.
Those were constantly ridiculed.
Mike grub judging themselves really harshly.
Lying or just craving approval or the lying will come from.
I can't get in trouble because then I won't get approval.
So then they might battle these fears of abandonment or feelings of
unworthiness, and then a deep sense of this just pathological loneliness.
Because as adults forming bonds, whether it's professional or social or romantic.
Then that can be really challenging and tough.
And then, you know, we're often seen as too submissive or too
controlling or too detached.
So to, to cope with these deep seated feelings.
Then I think I mentioned this earlier, some turned to substance abuse or other
types of behaviors, reckless driving or unsafe practices are adrenaline junkies.
And it becomes this way of numbing the pain or coping with just a world that
always just feels like something's off.
So by learning about your own family dynamic or patterns, you're
starting to uncover these hidden scripts or these expectations.
And then you get to challenge them and then you get to choose your path.
And that's how we start to break free and we start to live the
lives that really are our own.
So today we really are going to spend time talking about these roles that we
played in the narcissistic family systems.
And I really believe that by understanding those dynamics.
Then we can take a step back.
We can see the bigger picture of our upbringing.
And again, , our parents knew what they knew.
, and those lasting effects, because it is really about
recognizing where we come from.
So then we can, oh, cliche coming so we can better understand where we're going..
But let's start by talking about a woman name, Denise.
, Denise grew up in a high demand religion.
She was the oldest of six kids and her father is a man who was
well-respected in his faith community.
For his, uh, his various roles, his callings.
But he was a different person at home.
We had identified that Denise's father was extremely emotionally
immature or had definite narcissistic traits and tendencies.
But as mood swings made it feel like she was just walking through a minefield
everywhere that she went in the home.
And for the most part, all of her siblings felt like they were trying to manage.
Their dad's emotions.
Now there's a researcher, a pioneer in, in basically understanding
dysfunctional family roles named Sharon.
WEG Scheider crews.
And she did a lot of work around highlighting how members of a family
adapt to the stress and chaos.
And chaos caused by issues like addiction.
And then her model.
Identified roles like the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat.
The lost child and the mascot.
But here's where it gets really interesting.
Then there were some other researchers that came along later.
I think one name Cozaar Boyd, these around the early nineties.
And then they expanded this model and then they showed that these roles
aren't just limited to families battling addiction, but they're found in various
dysfunctional dynamics, including families with narcissistic elements.
And also those that are deeply entrenched in high demand religions are those
where there has been sexual abuse.
But back to Denise and her family.
Her mom was the pathologically kind.
She was in essence like the enabler always moving around, trying to keep
everybody happy, especially her husband.
And then Denise, she was stressed into that role of the hero.
As the eldest, she felt the weight of being the perfect child.
This was the bridge between her dad's expectations.
And then her family's wellbeing, she felt like it was all on her because she saw
how emotionally overwhelmed her mom was.
But what does that mean for somebody like Denise?
Growing up in an environment like this, where at church,
her father was one person.
And then at home, a completely different person.
And where her mother's kindness was basically a shield that
was used to deflect her dad's emotional ball volatility.
It turns into a story of survival.
Denise learned to Excel.
She learned to be the buffer, the responsible one.
But all the, while she was navigating this tight rope of her dad's narcissistic
tendencies and emotional immaturity.
As well as the demands that were put on their family.
By their religious community.
So, if you have ever felt like you are playing a role that scripted by
somebody else's needs and expectations.
Especially in a family where appearances matter far more than
reality, then I think you're going to find something in today's episode.
So I'm going to spend a little bit more time with the nieces journey, I
guess that will be our muse for today.
The challenges that she faced.
And more importantly, though, the, the path that she's been on of
rediscovering her own identity outside of what we can call these impose roles.
These seem like they were just put upon her.
So stick around and we're going to unfold Denise's story.
And I would imagine you're gonna find some bits of your own story in here as well.
So, if we're trying to figure out what role you are.
Figuring out who is playing, what part in a dysfunctional family is like a,
it's like a putting a puzzle together.
But the crazy part is that the pieces keep changing places.
Because it isn't just about who is who.
But it's also about when they are, who, because sometimes you can
even change your role in a family.
You know, maybe somebody steps away from their usual role due to their own
life changes or somebody finally goes and does their own personal growth.
And when that happens, then it is like musical chairs and everybody might
have to shuffle around to fill the gap.
And then here's another twist.
Not every family has enough members for each role to be a solo gig.
So you really will find one person juggling multiple roles, but never
at the same time, it's like you're wearing different hats one after
another, but never two at once.
And this starts to be really stressful because.
It's really tough to guess which hat the family expects
you to wear at any given moment?
Let's start with the enabler or sometimes known as the caretaker.
You can think of the enabler as the family's unsung hero, or if
we're sticking with this acting.
Motif.
Maybe they are like the backstage manager who they are always fixing the set, but
they never get to come out and actually.
Act or take a bow.
And this role is so often taken on by a child, especially if the other
parent isn't stepping in to support.
The family member that's causing the dysfunction, like the addict or the person
who's incredibly emotionally immature.
So in this scenario, it's going to be Denise.
That enabler ends up being the glue.
Who tries to hold everything together.
And they're the ones that are going to pick up the slack.
They're going to handle problems that aren't really theirs to fix.
It's like they're in this constant cycle of rescue missions and putting
out fires and this person does become they're kind of like a martyr in
the family drama because they're not just enabling the problematic
behavior of the family member with the addiction or the mental health issue.
But then they're also reinforcing the role that everybody else
is playing in this script.
And in families where a parent can't function properly, maybe because of
their own mental health issues or addiction or a physical disability.
Then you will find a child stepping into this role and then
acting like a stand-in parent.
And they become the ones that are worrying and listening and
trying to keep everything afloat.
But then their whole identity gets wrapped up in what they can do for others.
Here's one of these origin stories of the human doing instead of the human being.
Here's the real kicker about the enabler.
They're protecting the family member is actually then causing the problems.
But again, I am not assigning blame.
We're just pointing out roles because that's, what's been so fascinating about
this research is that the people just fall into the family dynamic because of
the emotionally immature or the addict.
That person is the one that's driving the need for the whole family system
to fall into these different roles.
So again, that enabler they're protecting the family member that's
causing the problems, shielding them from the fallout of their actions.
And it's a survival mechanism.
That it's like they really have to show up or believe that without that intervention.
The whole family would fall apart, but then here's the paradox that by
stopping the dysfunctional family member from hitting rock bottom.
Then they might also be stopping them from having that crucial,
painful moment of truth.
That in essence could turn everything around.
And remember this isn't just about kids stepping into the role.
Parents can be these enablers to, and then that whole dynamic plays
out pretty much the same way.
But if you've listened to previous episodes, the that's what the
research shows is that enabler is.
Is keeping that dynamic going.
But then I personally feel like it's also saying that, Hey, if, if they
could step out of that enable role, then maybe we could give that emotionally
immature narcissistic person that aha moment that's going to change them.
And I really believe that that's not what is going to cause that aha
moment or the epiphany that, that has to come from that emotionally
immature or narcissistic person.
So, whether it is the kid or the parent, but my point is, I just want
to start bringing awareness to these different roles, because I go back
to the belief that once we know what we didn't know, then we can start to
be aware and maybe even start to do.
And this does become a youth thing in a good way that if you are one who
finds yourself in any of these roles, in the family system, that, with that
awareness, you can start to change the dynamic in the family relationship by.
Taking action for yourself.
And so then when we go back and we talk about that enabler,
especially in the context of a child, In a dysfunctional family.
The term that often comes up is parental education.
And this is like thrusting the script.
For an adult role into the hands of a child.
Who's barely had the chance to learn their lines from being a kid.
So from an early age, the child who becomes the enabler is pushed
into grownup responsibilities.
And they might have to take care of their siblings.
Manage household duties, provide emotional support to a parent.
And it's a really heavy load.
And it's, they're basically carrying around a backpack
full of adult sized problems.
Even though they are wearing kids size shoes.
And that premature leap into adult roles often leads that enabler feeling like
they've been robbed of their childhood.
And I mean, I had a story once of somebody that said that they would take
all their siblings to the playground.
And they would watch us.
Every other kid is on the swings or the slides, which is
where they should have been.
But they're over on the bench worrying about grownup stuff and trying to
keep track of their young siblings.
That's that enabler as a child, they miss out on the whole carefree
exploration or the lightness of just being a kid because they're too busy.
Being a stand in parent.
So now let's talk about the concept of an old soul in psychology.
It's not necessarily a formal term, but it's a poetic way of describing somebody
who seems wise beyond their years.
And I remember early on thinking what a, what an amazing person,
you know, this young teenager is who seems like they're an old soul.
'cause it.
It's like they've got this depth of understanding and deep, emotional
insight that you typically expect from somebody much older.
Y well, because when somebody refers to this enabler as an old soul, They're
often recognizing this wisdom that comes from facing adult responsibilities.
And emotional burdens at a very young age.
So then it's all those experiences have edge to maturity into their character.
And then why is the enabler often described this way?
And again, it's because they've seen and dealt with.
All kinds of things that are so far.
Beyond their, um, their age beyond what's typical for their age.
So they've had to navigate these complex emotions.
They've had to make tough decisions that Kerry burns that have
given him a perspective on life.
That's it's unusually deep and thoughtful for their years.
So that compliment, if you have ever been given that, or you give that
to somebody else kind of bittersweet because on one hand, it acknowledges
man, you are amazing and resilient and you must have all kinds of wisdom.
On the other hand, it's saying, Hey, but a.
Kinda missed out on your childhood.
That, that simplicity and freedom.
That you had to sacrifice along the way.
So next up is the hero and a dysfunctional family.
This would then be the lead actor in the play.
Where the script is all about them and keeping up appearances, the hero is
about making sure that the family appears normal and problem-free we're good.
Right guys.
They're the ones who start to Excel the overachievers.
They're the ones who look like they've got everything together.
But it's mostly a show for the outside world.
So the hero is, is the one that the parents point to and
say, see we're, we're fine.
We're good parents.
It's like they're carrying the, family's banner and a parade,
making sure it always flies high.
It looks great.
Their life mission.
To embody the family's definition of success.
They have to be the strong one, the unflappable one, the achiever.
But this role is as shiny as it might seem on the surface.
That also has its own set of heavy chains because the hero often struggles
with things like stress-related illness and they can become a workaholic.
It's it's the pressure of always needing to be the best, this
beacon of success and normalcy.
So from a very young age, that hero learns to take on all the emotional burdens.
Sometimes even becoming a sort of stand in partner or confidant.
For the parent.
So here we are, again, back to that parentification because when the parent
or parents are showing up emotionally immature, then they are going to
start putting things on the kids.
It is up to the kids to fill in the blank to show that we are doing okay.
Or to take care of all of their siblings as well.
And a family where there is narcissistic personality disorder
or extreme emotional immaturity.
The hero often gets cast as the golden child.
That's the kid who, the narcissistic parent showers with all the positive
attention, but the golden status, it really isn't as glorious as it sounds.
I've worked with plenty of people that have been that golden child
because they start to suffer from.
Emotional, sometimes covert abuse by the narcissistic parent.
And then they're also often, this is one of the saddest things caught in the
crossfire of witnessing and sometimes even being a part of, or participating in two.
To their dismay, the abuse of the siblings.
Why can't you be more like your brother?
Why can't you be more like your sister?
And experts believe that by seeing your siblings being emotionally or
physically abused can be just as traumatic as experiencing it yourself.
So while the hero might look like the star of the show.
Behind the scenes, they are often there they're grappling with a lot of pain
and pressure because they feel all of a sudden, like they're carrying the
weight of being the perfect image of a family that is far from perfect.
And that's what starts to get crazy is when you start to look at all
the different roles, when they are trained to manage the families.
Affairs or manage the parent's emotions.
They're all going through it.
And they're all feeling like they are alone.
Because it's as if they're all isolated in their own individual roles.
I've talked a little bit about this type of therapy called
internal family systems or ifs.
And I do want to just take a real quick side note because I
think it's really interesting.
The hero.
If you're looking at the world of internal family systems.
When you're talking about the hero or the golden child and a dysfunctional family.
It's, I think it's fascinating to see how it impacts their internal emotional world.
So if you look at this internal family systems, model or lens, In internal
family systems, the psyche is viewed as made up of a lot of different
parts and each of the parts has its own unique perspective and feelings.
So for the hero constantly striving for perfection, carrying the family's image.
A critical part of their emotional experience then gets pushed aside.
So the part that feels not good enough or fears failure.
It's sorta like then they have the, they call it an exiled part of themselves.
A part that holds the trauma, the fear, the pain of never meeting those.
What are really impossible standards.
This exile part, it can carry just really deep seated feelings
of inadequacy and vulnerability.
So in everyday life, the hero.
The, the more dominant manager parts of their psyche work overtime to keep
this vulnerable exile part hidden.
So the manager is going to do everything it can to drive this
person to achieve more and be more.
And don't show weakness.
But then this relentless pursuit of perfection and strength.
It leads to a lot of internal stress and a lot of conflict.
Imagine a tug of war, like an internal tug of war, where one part is constantly.
Pushing for perfection and achievement.
And the other part is buried deep inside.
It's holding on to feelings of never being enough.
And so then that internal struggle, it can manifest itself in a lot of different
ways, anxiety, depression, burnout, and.
Eventually physical illness, as well as that exiled emotion and the
trauma they demand to at some point be acknowledged and to be healed.
And let me take a moment and kind of shift the focus to a role that
I think is often misunderstood too.
In dysfunctional families.
That's the scapegoat.
So now if you picture somebody who's always seen as the problem
child or the troublemaker.
This person, the family, his family more often comes across as defiant
or hostile or perpetually angry.
But there is so much more to the scapegoat than I think meets the, I think the
scapegoat is really this unsung hero.
So the scapegoat is like the family's alarm system.
They will vocalize they'll act out the issues that the family is
trying hard to sweep under the rug.
So the scapegoats behavior, even though it can draw a lot of negative attention.
It almost serves as a bit of a smoke stream, smokescreen diverting
people's eyes away from the real problems that are, that are.
Brewing beneath the family surface because.
In school, for example, the scapegoat is the kid who's always in trouble.
Not because they enjoy it, but because negative attention is still attention.
They're often smart.
They can be charismatic.
They can have a strong influence in their peer groups.
But the catch is that the groups they gravitate toward are usually
not the most emotionally healthy.
And so then their relationships tend to be on the surface level and they start
to lack real depth, their authenticity.
And that role, the scapegoat and the family almost seems like it's
sacrificial because they become the identified patient in a sense that
the one that everybody points to as the source of all the problems.
But then here's the thing though.
Scapegoats come in a lot of different forms, lot of different sizes and
shapes, you might find the quiet picked on kid who seems weak or sickly, or
you might find the angry rebellious one, always in the thick of conflict,
often viewed as self destructive or cynical, or even really mean.
And in a family where there is narcissistic personality disorder,
or narcissistic traits and tendencies or extreme emotional
immaturity when that's present.
Then the scapegoat is it's essentially the opposite of the golden child, because then
the scapegoat is the recipient of all the negative projections, nothing they do ever
seems right to the narcissistic parent.
So while they might be labeled as rebels, it's really worth taking a look
at or questioning whether they really chose this role, or if it was more
of a response to their environment.
So the scapegoat in a, in a narcissistic family typically will endure both
emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
Which in makes their role all the more challenging and painful.
It's almost like they can't get out of that role.
So while the scapegoat might seem like they are just a troublemaker, that
behavior is really a deeper cry for help.
And then it, again, acts like this mirror for the families, hidden struggles.
And I have some absolutely unfounded unscientific just anecdotal.
Thoughts or views around that?
I find often the scapegoat child or that.
That enabler child, that those are the ones, the ones that just truly
weren't seen, they weren't seen, they weren't understood are the ones that
I think can often then find themselves getting help going to therapy,
even if they find themselves in.
An unhealthy relationships because that's all that they knew.
But then those are the people that I think sometimes can eventually
recognize or find their voice.
They go get help.
And then that's a lot of the population that I think that I'm working with.
Let's talk about the lost child.
Business is another one of those that I don't think we
give, we pay much attention to.
Answer's ironic because that's exactly what we're going to talk about.
Not, not paying attention to the lost child.
So let's turn our attention to the lost child, because that is
the one who often flies under the radar in a dysfunctional family.
You might know them as the quiet one or the dreamer, the lost child is
kind of like a shadow in the family.
They're barely seen.
They're barely heard.
They play small.
They stay out of the way, almost blending into the background.
And their strategy for coping with the family.
Chaos is just to disappear.
You know, you find them spending a lot of time alone there.
The often here lost in their own world.
And in a way the lost child serves a purpose.
That's pretty similar to the hero because their ability to stay out of trouble.
Let's the family.
Paint.
A picture of normalcy.
We'll look at, look at this person.
They are so good.
They're so quiet.
So things can't be that bad.
Right guys.
But by avoiding interaction fading into the background than the
lost child misses out on a lot.
And they often grow up as more introverted or loners are extremely shy.
And they, their retreat into solitude means that they don't really even get
the chance to develop a lot of crucial social and communication skills.
And as a result, Then the lost child often struggles with forming relationships
or dealing with intimacy and they may have really poor communication skills.
Because their way of dealing with feelings and don't deny them stay on bothered.
Play the long game and withdraw from reality.
So then in a family with narcissistic personality disorder, emotional
maturity, the lost child is the one who starts to seem like they barely
exist in the narcissist world.
And they avoid conflict by keeping such a low profile that they're almost invisible.
Not seen as a threat or even a valuable source of narcissistic supply, which
I think that's one of the keys.
So the lost child often suffers from neglect and emotional abuse, but
then that just seems to cement their isolation and their invisibility.
So while they might seem like they're just shy or introverted, the last
child's behavior is a survival mechanism.
And again, you can see how these, we start to find ourselves in all
these different roles in this.
Narcissistic family system.
As a way to survive.
But it does come to the lost child at a real significant personal cost.
Then I'd say that most immediate and apparent cost is their struggle to speak
up and advocate for their own needs.
And then having spent so much of their time fading into the background.
The lost child often doesn't learn how to assert themselves in relationships.
So whether they're friendships or romantic partnerships.
They're so used to being unseen and unheard that they instinctively just
play small, avoiding the spotlight.
And suppressing their desires and their needs and that, that tendency.
Can lead to relationships where their needs are consistently
overlooked or unmet.
And it just perpetuates that cycle of feeling.
Undervalued and invisible.
And I think it's really interesting.
So when I work with a client like this playing the role of the lost
child you're navigating a whole different set of challenges.
So when they come to your office, a lot of times they.
Often are taking their first steps towards self discovery and personal growth.
But.
It's really fascinating because exploring what they like their dreams
or desires is still alien to them.
So for the lost child, this fundamental question of, well, what do you
like, or what are your dreams?
It can feel really daunting and it's not just there.
Not used to being asked about their preferences or aspirations, but
it's, they've lived a life where their opinions and their desires
were typically deemed irrelevant.
Or they might have grown up in an environment where it expressing their
individuality was met with absolute disapproval correction or even dismissal.
So as a result, then they're probably going to struggle
to articulate their thoughts.
If you have found yourself unsure of what to say it can be because you probably even
doubt the validity of your own opinions.
And then it's going to be, it might be difficult to engage in self
exploration and they, they probably hesitate to share their thoughts either
because they're so used to having them overridden or because they honestly
just haven't had the opportunity to form those thoughts in the first place.
So it's this.
Just deep disconnection from their inner self.
Almost like this void where that's where their personal identity would be.
And then that does really, again, from the role of a therapist, it's a, it's a
challenge because the standard approaches to self discovery and expression might
not really be that effective at first.
So you have to build trust.
You create this safe space that becomes really important.
Because then you have to gently guide them into exploring their own identity
and their preferences and their dreams while still trying to reinforce the idea.
That their thoughts and feelings are not only valued.
Or not only valid, but they are, are absolutely valued.
So I found that some of the things I've helped with the lost child or
some creative approaches, like a.
Art therapy, journaling, guided imagery, that those kind of things
might help with different means to help them express themselves.
But the goal then is to help them realize that their voice matters and
then to nurture their ability to explore.
And and express their individuality.
And I jotted down a few things too, that they're, these are some of the
other costs, I think, to the lost child and spend a little bit of time there
because I think a lot of the population also that I work with are they have
felt like they are this lost child.
So then you can have difficulty forming deep connections.
Since they don't practice a lot of social interaction and communication.
They can find it challenging to form close, meaningful relationships.
And that would lead to even struggling with intimacy because
they just aren't used to opening up and sharing their inner world.
It can lead to lower self-esteem and identity issues.
Because if you are growing up without feeling seen or heard.
You're going to have a pretty shaky sense of self.
And then you may feel even unworthy of attention or even affection.
Because they've just spent so much time blending into the background and then
emotional regulation challenges, which even though it seems like they may be
just a bit more indifferent or flat.
If you're avoiding conflict and suppressing emotions, then it becomes
a pretty deeply ingrained habit.
So then there are times where your body is screaming, the score and trying
to manage your emotions or coping with stress or anxiety or sadness.
It can come out in a big kind of way.
And when you're not expecting it, And then that leads to a risk of depression
and anxiety because that isolation, the, the emotional suppression.
Uh, it increases the risk of.
Right in mental health issues, but things like depression and anxiety.
Because it just will cause this source of distress because we're
designed to deal with emotion in concert with another human.
We want to be heard and under seen under scene.
I want to be heard and understood and seen.
And then the thing that breaks my heart as makes you more vulnerable
to manipulation or neglect and relationships, because given their
tendency to stay in the background.
The last child may find themselves in relationships where they are
easily overlooked or manipulated, and they start to gravitate toward
people who dominate the relationship.
So that will repeat the whole pattern of neglect and invisibility.
That they saw in their family because that's comfortable for them.
So here we go.
. let's, let's shine a little spotlight here on the mascot.
So picture the class clown.
But the life of the party, eat the one, always ready to make a joke or
do a silly stunt or, Hey everybody, look at me and watch me juggle.
The mascot's mission is to diffuse tension and lighten the mood.
Especially when the family atmosphere gets too heavy.
So imagine a tight rope Walker, trying to balance the family's
emotional load with humor.
That is the mascot.
And what's crazy is that.
They actually feel pretty powerless.
In the family chaos.
So they use their antics as sort of an escape bow.
They're the ones who try to make everybody laugh when arguments heat
up, or when things get too intense.
It's kinda like they're the families unofficial entertainer brighten
up the room with comedy, or even if it's just a temporary fix.
But their humor often serves a much deeper purpose too, because it's a way for them
to voice the, their unspoken emotions that are just swirling around in their
head and in the family, whether it's anger or sadness, fear or frustration.
But while that lightheartedness does bring a little bit of relief.
Kind of momentary relief.
It's like putting a bandaid though on a really deep wound, it doesn't
really heal the underlying issues.
Now the rest of the family might rally around the, the class clown.
And they might even go to links to protect them, but beneath this
seemingly carefree, exterior, the mascot is anything but relaxed.
They're usually on the go or they're anxious or they're down.
If things aren't constantly in motion.
And this hyperactivity starts to spill over into their ability
to concentrate and focus.
Sometimes it can make school or work a challenge.
That's why every now and again, you'll hear them also labeled as a slacker.
But this is where it gets really complex because the mascot often struggles
with forming genuine deep connections.
And then their relationships might feel more like projects.
Because they.
Tend to gravitate to others, trying to save them or fix them.
And that can even be in there.
Their work.
And so that is often battling these feelings of low self-worth and guilt.
Which they want to try and counteract by being exceptionally nice.
And then this people pleasing behavior.
It's a classic sign of codependency.
So while the mascot might seem like the happiest and the most
carefree member of the family.
Their role is layered with a lot of challenges because they're
not just the family comedian.
They're also.
A mirror of the family's unspoken pains and they use humor both as a shield.
And desperately trying to find a way to connect, even though that doesn't
resonate or land within the family.
Wrapping up today's episode the proverbial, what do we learn today moment?
Let's just take a second, reflect on the journey that we went through.
We were looking at the complex roles of dysfunctional families, and we took a look
at the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, and my beloved mascot.
And every one of these roles was shaped by the different challenges within that
family dynamic, the negative family dynamic, but they tell a story of
survival, of adaptation, of resilience, of the human spirit, the things that movies
are made of, so you got that enabler.
The family's unseen backbone and taking on burdens way too heavy for their shoulders,
especially when they're really young.
The hero shining brightly on the surface, also known as the golden
child, but they're masking deeper struggles within primarily themselves.
You got that scapegoat labeled as the troublemaker bearing
the family's unspoken truths.
And, uh, The Lost Child.
That was one that I haven't spent a lot of time with, but there they are,
because they're hidden in plain sight, navigating this world of solitude
and unfortunately, unspoken dreams, but they can heal later on in life.
And The Mascot, the family's beacon of light and laughter, but meanwhile,
veiling their own pain behind this, hopefully, If they're at least
kind of funny, humorous facade.
And and I want to say this too, there's something that I've
thought about a lot and I just want to go on a train of thought.
It's you know, when you hear those moments where you hear
something or you say something and it really resonates with you.
And in that moment, in an instant, I think that it really, we mean it, whatever
we're saying, okay, man, that, that clicked, I want to do something different.
And we feel this rush of motivation.
It's like this deep desire to change and to be better and to do better.
But here's the thing, honestly the real challenge starts later.
And maybe it's later today after you hear this episode, maybe it's the next morning
when you wake up because that's when.
The routine of our daily lives kicks back in.
It's like our brains are on autopilot, and they start following the same
old patterns and paths they used to.
So don't get me wrong, I really think that we genuinely all want to change,
to grow, but our brains are stubborn, and they're comfy in their habits and
they like doing things the way that they've always been done, and I think so
much of it is just done subconsciously.
So that's why if you, if you really want to make a change, then you have
to be pretty intentional about it.
And it's not going to happen just because you want it to.
So you may be hearing something today and you have this awareness and you've
identified, okay, I need to do something.
I got to take action.
Maybe you're feeling that spark of inspiration from what you've
heard on the podcast today.
And that is great, but that's just a starting point.
Now it's better than staying in the dark, but now comes your part.
It's your chance to start reshaping those well trodden, deeply rutted
neural pathways in your brain.
And how might you ask?
It's by doing by taking action and literally any action that aligns with
like with what's been stirred up inside of you today Doesn't even have to be
a big leap start small write something down that struck a chord with you
Maybe it's even just starting to Google Therapist near me or go on psychology
today and look Jada reminder in your phone's notes app, you know, if you
resonate with someone then reach out to them Send yourself a text message.
Just maybe just do one thing Just do one thing a little differently
because it really is the small things that then gradually shift
that internal landscape of your mind and what it feels like to be you.
And, but man, remember, change does not have to wait for the perfect time.
The time when you think that you'll have more resources or more stability
or more freedom or more time.
I'm so guilty of that one.
It doesn't have to be when, when things are just right, then I will.
You have to do the things.
cliche warning, the perfect time is now.
This very moment.
You have the power to start thinking and acting and being someone new.
Starting literally like right now.
Write something down, text yourself, reach out to somebody.
Let us not wait for some day.
Some day can literally be today.
It doesn't have to be Monday.
It doesn't have to be The start of next month, even though this
is literally going out on the last day of the month of January.
So, okay, I'll give you one pass.
You can start on February 1st.
But a couple of takeaways that I did jot down, and it is that
importance of self recognition.
So whether you identify with one of these roles or recognize them in somebody that
you know, or you're a parent in a family dynamic and you all recognize those
roles, but also maybe you're in that relationship with someone emotionally
immature and you can recognize, man, we're creating these roles.
Understanding the dynamics is.
Is crucial because it's about acknowledging the coping mechanisms
we develop in response to our environment and then how they shape
the interactions that we have with others, our views of ourselves.
So it is okay to just start by reflecting on your own family dynamic.
Do any of these roles are, where do you fit in?
What do you resonate with the most?
Just even journal your thoughts.
That can be a real powerful tool for self discovery.
It helps to write things down and get them out of just the kind of the crazy
making that can happen in our own minds.
And then if you see these patterns in your own life, give it a
thought, reach out to a therapist.
There we can provide a real safe place to unpack these roles and then explore
the impact they have on your own life.
And and then one more takeaway the journey toward healing and
change, because again, recognizing the roles, just the first step.
It really involves redefining our own identity and our relationships beyond
these roles and know that most likely if you're in a unhealthy relationship or
emotionally immature relationship, as you start to change, There will be pushback.
I like to say that means you're doing it right.
So just remember that it doesn't happen overnight.
It really doesn't change.
Doesn't happen overnight.
Be patient, compassionate with yourself throughout this process.
Seek support groups, communities where you can share your experiences, learn
from others who have walked in similar paths, there is some safety and comfort
in numbers, and there's almost nothing better initially than feeling heard
and seen and validated and understood.
Remember that the, and the roles that we play in our families are
absolutely not the sum total of who we are because they're just, they're
parts, the parts of the story.
They're parts of who you are.
They don't define the entire narrative or you as a complete human being.
And there's such power in understanding those roles, but even more, I'm not
going to lie in transcending them.
And as a recovering, emotionally immature, anxiously attached person, I was going to
say also ADHD, but since when you recover from you embrace and it's, it's awesome.
Transcending these stories they allow you to write your own new
narrative on your own terms.
And I cannot even stress how empowering that is.
So thanks for joining me today on waking up to narcissism.
Until next time, I I hope you will continue to explore and be
curious and question and most important, just keep on growing.
We'll see you next week.