WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.480 Today. 00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:01.980 I want to start with a riddle here. 00:00:01.980 --> 00:00:02.340 It goes. 00:00:03.269 --> 00:00:06.240 I am not one but many yet in a family. 00:00:06.330 --> 00:00:07.170 I stand alone. 00:00:07.680 --> 00:00:12.180 I shift and change to please, but my efforts are often like shadows in the sun. 00:00:12.810 --> 00:00:13.290 Perfect. 00:00:13.290 --> 00:00:14.430 I strive to be yet. 00:00:14.459 --> 00:00:16.290 Perfection remains a distant star. 00:00:16.770 --> 00:00:19.350 And the background, I fade a whisper in the wind. 00:00:19.710 --> 00:00:21.300 Unseen but ever present. 00:00:21.900 --> 00:00:22.350 Laughter. 00:00:22.350 --> 00:00:26.400 I bring a jester in the court of daily life, but my smile hides 00:00:26.400 --> 00:00:27.720 a quest for something more. 00:00:28.230 --> 00:00:30.480 Born in a home where maturity was scarce. 00:00:30.840 --> 00:00:32.250 And self-centeredness rained. 00:00:32.610 --> 00:00:35.850 What role have I been cast and knowingly from the start? 00:00:36.030 --> 00:00:40.019 Have you ever found yourself constantly adjusting your actions and your 00:00:40.019 --> 00:00:42.000 words to keep somebody else happy? 00:00:42.480 --> 00:00:45.660 Especially somebody who seems to never quite acknowledge your efforts. 00:00:46.260 --> 00:00:49.349 Or did you also feel the need to continually be perfect? 00:00:49.830 --> 00:00:53.190 Or did you feel like you had to just blend into the background in order to 00:00:53.190 --> 00:00:54.930 not make things in the family worse? 00:00:55.500 --> 00:00:58.470 Or were you the funny guy that comic relief, but now you're 00:00:58.470 --> 00:01:02.310 learning that it is hard for you to take almost anything seriously, 00:01:02.610 --> 00:01:04.259 especially the things that you want. 00:01:04.620 --> 00:01:06.929 In your relationship or in your life? 00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:10.259 Well, if that sounds familiar, then you might be playing a role. 00:01:10.679 --> 00:01:13.230 That you never auditioned for growing up in an emotionally 00:01:13.230 --> 00:01:15.060 immature or narcissistic environment. 00:01:15.060 --> 00:01:15.510 Hey, everybody. 00:01:15.510 --> 00:01:19.380 Welcome to episode 106 of waking up to narcissism. 00:01:19.380 --> 00:01:20.520 I am your host, Tony Overbay. 00:01:20.820 --> 00:01:22.560 I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. 00:01:22.860 --> 00:01:25.080 And today we are going to uncover. 00:01:25.470 --> 00:01:29.670 A lot of the dynamics of the hidden dynamics of narcissistic families, 00:01:29.670 --> 00:01:31.110 the narcissistic family system. 00:01:31.600 --> 00:01:34.660 And we are going to talk about some roles that I've never talked about before. 00:01:34.660 --> 00:01:37.270 As a matter of fact, one that I think will make me crawl up into the corner 00:01:37.660 --> 00:01:41.559 and assume the fetal position and just, it just, it hits a little bit too deep. 00:01:42.359 --> 00:01:45.629 . And before we get to those various family roles, I want to talk a little 00:01:45.629 --> 00:01:49.889 bit about the perfect family or does every family have some dysfunction? 00:01:50.369 --> 00:01:53.309 And I had several articles up over the last few days. 00:01:53.339 --> 00:01:54.449 I put some of my thoughts together. 00:01:54.689 --> 00:01:58.799 So I know I'm pulling from some concepts from psychology today, a little bit from 00:01:58.829 --> 00:02:01.589 psych central and just a good old Dr. 00:02:01.589 --> 00:02:02.309 Google search. 00:02:02.669 --> 00:02:07.219 But there's just something about family dynamics, I think is so fascinating, 00:02:07.249 --> 00:02:09.169 but it's incredibly complex. 00:02:09.619 --> 00:02:14.519 And there's some research by a person named Harkonen back in 2017. 00:02:14.940 --> 00:02:18.809 And it really hit home because they said every family with 00:02:18.809 --> 00:02:20.880 its quirks, its idiosyncrasies. 00:02:21.390 --> 00:02:24.839 It shapes how we think, how we feel and how we interact with the world. 00:02:25.349 --> 00:02:29.040 And it really is this unique recipe that takes the nature 00:02:29.070 --> 00:02:30.329 of our parents' relationship. 00:02:30.600 --> 00:02:31.049 The. 00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:35.176 The various personalities in our own family, that it goes into almost the 00:02:35.506 --> 00:02:38.866 speech I like to give about why we are the only version of us with our. 00:02:39.406 --> 00:02:43.396 Our birth order or DNA or abandonment or rejection, our nature, our 00:02:43.426 --> 00:02:47.206 nurture, because all of those things also go into our family, our 00:02:47.206 --> 00:02:48.706 family dynamic, our family system. 00:02:49.126 --> 00:02:51.616 So you do, you've got these personalities all within our family 00:02:51.616 --> 00:02:56.086 life events, where it could be a death of a loved one divorce job loss. 00:02:56.116 --> 00:02:58.966 Then we've got our cultural and our ethnic influences and our. 00:02:59.296 --> 00:03:00.166 Religious beliefs. 00:03:00.166 --> 00:03:03.726 So we've got our beliefs about gender roles and about what success 00:03:03.726 --> 00:03:05.526 looks like in is money important. 00:03:05.526 --> 00:03:09.096 And we have so many different things that go in to what makes 00:03:09.096 --> 00:03:11.256 our family, our family than it is. 00:03:11.586 --> 00:03:16.656 It is no shock or surprise that growing up in an open and supportive home. 00:03:17.226 --> 00:03:22.116 Is far more like an exception than the norm, but then here's where we 00:03:22.116 --> 00:03:23.226 have a little bit of a reality check. 00:03:23.226 --> 00:03:24.756 The notion of a perfect family. 00:03:25.056 --> 00:03:26.226 Or a perfect parent. 00:03:26.286 --> 00:03:27.396 It just is a myth. 00:03:27.726 --> 00:03:28.146 It is. 00:03:28.146 --> 00:03:30.336 And that's just, we're bringing awareness to that. 00:03:30.846 --> 00:03:31.656 Parents are human. 00:03:31.716 --> 00:03:32.676 They're not flawless. 00:03:32.756 --> 00:03:35.706 They have their own battles and they have their own concerns and most kids can 00:03:35.706 --> 00:03:37.236 handle a parent's occasional outburst. 00:03:37.626 --> 00:03:41.886 But what really counts is the love and the understanding and the consistency, 00:03:41.886 --> 00:03:42.996 the balance, all of that out. 00:03:43.566 --> 00:03:47.526 There's a researcher named Shaw that in 2014, talked about functional families. 00:03:47.916 --> 00:03:51.426 Where parents aimed to create a safe, loving, respectful environment. 00:03:51.876 --> 00:03:54.066 And in those homes, conflict is low. 00:03:54.396 --> 00:03:57.366 Support is high and then communication just flows. 00:03:57.906 --> 00:04:01.206 And that kind of upbringing them would not only help kids through their 00:04:01.206 --> 00:04:04.536 own growing pains, but also leaves a positive imprint as then they step 00:04:04.536 --> 00:04:08.196 out into adulthood and they find themselves in more healthy relationships. 00:04:08.856 --> 00:04:11.406 And so what does it even mean to grow up in a dysfunctional family? 00:04:11.496 --> 00:04:16.926 The family is supposed to be the safest place for a kid to grow up. 00:04:17.406 --> 00:04:21.966 And that way it could become this anchor, this place to return to 00:04:21.966 --> 00:04:24.036 this securely attached home base. 00:04:24.726 --> 00:04:29.166 But if that is not the case, then it becomes a source of emotional wounds 00:04:29.196 --> 00:04:30.606 and that will stay with the kid. 00:04:31.096 --> 00:04:32.416 I want to say he with him for life. 00:04:32.446 --> 00:04:33.796 I mean, it impacts who they are now. 00:04:33.826 --> 00:04:36.946 They can use that information to then help them. 00:04:37.576 --> 00:04:41.566 Work through that, go to therapy and try to figure out, oh, this is 00:04:41.566 --> 00:04:44.836 the reason why I show up the way I do or why I play small or why. 00:04:45.286 --> 00:04:48.046 Uh, I feel like I have to command all the attention in the room or 00:04:48.046 --> 00:04:52.886 whatever that looks like, but in those Those dysfunctional families. 00:04:52.946 --> 00:04:55.706 We're going to talk more about those in the roles that people play in them today. 00:04:56.186 --> 00:04:59.426 And those families aggression is typically a common language. 00:05:00.026 --> 00:05:02.516 And so then we're talking about behaviors like belittling or 00:05:02.516 --> 00:05:04.466 trying to dominate or lying. 00:05:04.516 --> 00:05:06.076 The parents are controlling. 00:05:06.556 --> 00:05:09.966 And then affection seems almost like a foreign concept and it's either. 00:05:10.266 --> 00:05:12.606 Rarely shown or it's completely absent. 00:05:12.846 --> 00:05:16.266 And so kids grow up without these reassuring hugs or kind words. 00:05:16.746 --> 00:05:18.996 And then the concept of neglect is there. 00:05:18.996 --> 00:05:21.696 And kids feeling like they're just floating in the background, 00:05:21.756 --> 00:05:23.396 unnoticed and uneasy. 00:05:23.936 --> 00:05:26.786 And then you've got things like addiction, where parents are lost in 00:05:26.786 --> 00:05:29.936 their own compulsion's it can be work or drugs or alcohol, sex, or gambling. 00:05:30.446 --> 00:05:33.506 And unfortunately, in a lot of those cases, violence can become the norm. 00:05:33.866 --> 00:05:36.866 With threats or actual physical or sexual abuse. 00:05:37.166 --> 00:05:42.716 And then the emotional violence is even more concerning or it's as concerning, 00:05:42.986 --> 00:05:44.486 but we don't talk about that enough. 00:05:44.486 --> 00:05:46.376 There's not a good way to put words around that. 00:05:47.126 --> 00:05:49.976 Because for kids, their family is their whole world. 00:05:50.006 --> 00:05:53.216 I mean, when they're little parents are like superheroes, I mean, they're 00:05:53.216 --> 00:05:55.106 their protectors and their providers. 00:05:55.106 --> 00:05:59.546 And without the parent, then the world out feels absolutely scary and it's unsafe. 00:06:00.086 --> 00:06:01.616 But here's the tragic part. 00:06:01.916 --> 00:06:06.656 Kids in these environments often find themselves adapting and enabling 00:06:06.686 --> 00:06:09.806 the very chaos and instability that is what's harming them. 00:06:10.436 --> 00:06:10.826 And. 00:06:11.256 --> 00:06:12.966 Kids just don't have the tools to make sense of all this. 00:06:12.996 --> 00:06:15.186 They can't always tell what's healthy and what's not, they don't know. 00:06:15.186 --> 00:06:17.826 And especially if their parents don't know or aren't modeling that either. 00:06:18.216 --> 00:06:20.976 So then a kid might twist their experiences that then fit into 00:06:20.976 --> 00:06:22.446 what they think is normal. 00:06:22.776 --> 00:06:25.976 So they ended up downplaying things like this, the severity of their 00:06:25.976 --> 00:06:27.116 whole situation with excuses. 00:06:27.116 --> 00:06:29.116 Like, I mean, he didn't really hit me. 00:06:29.116 --> 00:06:31.756 It was just a spanking or, you know, my parents aren't really 00:06:31.786 --> 00:06:32.866 just, they aren't violent. 00:06:32.866 --> 00:06:35.296 That's just kinda how they communicate or how they get things done. 00:06:35.716 --> 00:06:37.846 And then sometimes they'll even take blame for the abuse. 00:06:37.846 --> 00:06:40.696 They can, they deserved it because they weren't a being a good kid 00:06:40.786 --> 00:06:44.266 or, well, I didn't, didn't clean my room or I did talk back to them. 00:06:44.896 --> 00:06:48.076 And that starts this cycle of basically misinterpretation. 00:06:48.106 --> 00:06:50.926 And that starts to warp the kids' self view and it leads them to develop 00:06:50.956 --> 00:06:52.216 negative beliefs about themselves. 00:06:52.756 --> 00:06:53.596 And so on that. 00:06:54.016 --> 00:06:54.676 Same note. 00:06:55.036 --> 00:06:58.306 If we then go deeper into how our childhood shapes our beliefs. 00:06:58.846 --> 00:07:01.576 It's often in ways that we don't even know that's I love talking about that. 00:07:01.576 --> 00:07:02.686 We don't know what we don't know. 00:07:02.986 --> 00:07:05.776 And so the fact that you're listening to podcasts like mine, or you're 00:07:05.806 --> 00:07:10.126 trying to go on this journey of self discovery is you are trying to figure 00:07:10.126 --> 00:07:13.906 things out because as kids, we soak up everything around us, like sponges, 00:07:13.906 --> 00:07:15.376 where these little emotional sponges. 00:07:15.946 --> 00:07:17.326 And there's a researcher name. 00:07:17.376 --> 00:07:20.126 Galman who said that the things our parents do and say plant the 00:07:20.126 --> 00:07:22.766 seeds in our minds, and then those seeds grow into beliefs that we 00:07:22.766 --> 00:07:24.446 carry unchallenged into adulthood. 00:07:25.016 --> 00:07:27.776 So then if you think about a lot of different phrases that you hear, children 00:07:27.776 --> 00:07:31.206 should always respect their parents or it's my way or no way, or those things. 00:07:31.206 --> 00:07:31.986 Aren't just words. 00:07:31.986 --> 00:07:35.316 They're laying the foundation, the cement of a belief system 00:07:35.586 --> 00:07:36.606 that then can unfortunately. 00:07:36.996 --> 00:07:39.546 Some kind of toxic behavior later in life. 00:07:40.206 --> 00:07:44.586 And then parents often wrap these beliefs up as advice loaded with a lot of shoulds 00:07:44.586 --> 00:07:45.996 and oughts, and you're supposed to. 00:07:46.626 --> 00:07:48.966 And sure we can recognize and challenge spoken beliefs. 00:07:48.966 --> 00:07:51.006 Like if you grew up hearing that divorce is always bad. 00:07:51.366 --> 00:07:54.846 Then you might have a tendency to stay in a Loveless marriage, but at 00:07:54.846 --> 00:07:56.556 least you can wrestle with that idea. 00:07:56.586 --> 00:07:58.266 You can challenge it because it was spoken. 00:07:58.866 --> 00:08:00.036 Those unspoken beliefs. 00:08:00.036 --> 00:08:00.816 Those are tricky. 00:08:01.146 --> 00:08:03.906 They are below the surface of our awareness. 00:08:04.476 --> 00:08:07.776 And, uh, those beliefs that ended up being like the script of a play, you 00:08:07.776 --> 00:08:08.976 don't even know you're acting in. 00:08:09.666 --> 00:08:13.116 And then those, they come from how your parents interacted with each other or 00:08:13.146 --> 00:08:15.906 how they interacted with you, the things you watched them do when they interacted 00:08:15.906 --> 00:08:17.466 with even other people in the world. 00:08:17.886 --> 00:08:20.346 And then you might end up believing things like, okay, well, women 00:08:20.376 --> 00:08:22.716 are less than men or children owe everything to their parents, 00:08:22.716 --> 00:08:23.766 regardless of how they're treated. 00:08:24.036 --> 00:08:25.116 And those beliefs. 00:08:25.476 --> 00:08:27.906 They are, unfortunately they are incredibly powerful and they 00:08:27.906 --> 00:08:30.696 often go unquestioned because they're just what we think. 00:08:31.566 --> 00:08:36.456 And then there's unspoken rules and these invisible strings that control our lives. 00:08:37.066 --> 00:08:40.576 Rules like don't out shine your dad or don't be happier than your mom. 00:08:40.606 --> 00:08:44.056 It's almost like the, there's now a family script that we're unconsciously following. 00:08:44.536 --> 00:08:45.346 That demands. 00:08:45.436 --> 00:08:47.116 Oh, Biance and loyalty. 00:08:47.506 --> 00:08:51.376 And there is often a big old gap between what we as children truly want 00:08:51.376 --> 00:08:53.146 and what our parents expected from us. 00:08:53.776 --> 00:08:57.866 And more often than not this internal pressure and it's even unseen again, it's 00:08:57.866 --> 00:09:01.676 in the subconscious, we're just acting on this, but it just doesn't feel right. 00:09:02.456 --> 00:09:04.646 And that internal pressure to conform then. 00:09:05.096 --> 00:09:09.506 So often overshadows our own needs and desires to become and 00:09:09.506 --> 00:09:10.766 to learn and to figure things out. 00:09:11.246 --> 00:09:13.646 And then when we don't feel like we're living our true lives, we turn to 00:09:13.676 --> 00:09:17.096 unhealthy coping mechanisms and that can lead us to our own self-destruction 00:09:17.096 --> 00:09:18.146 and our own unfulfillment. 00:09:18.906 --> 00:09:21.046 There was a large group of researchers with. 00:09:21.736 --> 00:09:24.226 Several names that are difficult to pronounce, but. 00:09:24.946 --> 00:09:29.106 They talked about Kids growing up in these types of environments, that 00:09:29.106 --> 00:09:31.446 they have a whole list of challenges. 00:09:31.896 --> 00:09:33.846 They're often caught in the middle of parental conflicts. 00:09:33.876 --> 00:09:35.016 They're forced to pick sides. 00:09:35.016 --> 00:09:37.656 They live in a world of reality, shifting where words and actions 00:09:37.656 --> 00:09:40.266 consistently contradict each other. 00:09:40.896 --> 00:09:43.506 And they deal with parents who are either too involved or too distant. 00:09:43.506 --> 00:09:45.306 And then they're just like this yo-yo effect. 00:09:45.696 --> 00:09:48.216 So they're either completely overlooked or they're under a microscope 00:09:48.246 --> 00:09:49.476 and that can come at any moment. 00:09:50.166 --> 00:09:52.206 And then they might be asked to do more than they can do. 00:09:52.206 --> 00:09:55.726 Be parental they're kids or left without any guidance or structure. 00:09:56.476 --> 00:10:01.726 And then their own feelings are so often criticized or just completely ignored. 00:10:01.726 --> 00:10:03.436 Again, this is all at the whim of the parent. 00:10:03.946 --> 00:10:06.376 And that's why we need to do our own work. 00:10:06.706 --> 00:10:08.806 So then the kid can experience rejection. 00:10:09.286 --> 00:10:13.306 Or, you know, they can also then go quickly to get preferential treatment 00:10:13.396 --> 00:10:14.776 depending on how the parent feels. 00:10:15.376 --> 00:10:18.346 And some of them even encouraged to use alcohol or drugs or 00:10:18.376 --> 00:10:19.696 they endure physical beatings. 00:10:20.146 --> 00:10:22.346 And so that kind of upbringing, it will really mess with a 00:10:22.376 --> 00:10:23.546 child's ability to trust. 00:10:24.176 --> 00:10:27.176 So then, and I'm talking trust in the world and others are 00:10:27.296 --> 00:10:28.466 particularly in themselves. 00:10:28.886 --> 00:10:32.186 So then they're left without a clear idea of what is normal or what is healthy. 00:10:32.186 --> 00:10:36.956 And then as adults, then kids find themselves unable to live without chaos. 00:10:37.556 --> 00:10:39.296 They get bored and calm situations. 00:10:39.326 --> 00:10:40.556 They've had to grow up too fast. 00:10:40.556 --> 00:10:43.436 They lose connection with their own needs and they really 00:10:43.466 --> 00:10:44.636 can struggle to ask for help. 00:10:44.666 --> 00:10:45.146 They don't want to be. 00:10:45.566 --> 00:10:46.916 A burden to anybody. 00:10:47.636 --> 00:10:49.106 And those who are constantly ridiculed. 00:10:49.496 --> 00:10:50.726 Those were constantly ridiculed. 00:10:50.726 --> 00:10:52.646 Mike grub judging themselves really harshly. 00:10:53.106 --> 00:10:57.516 Lying or just craving approval or the lying will come from. 00:10:57.846 --> 00:10:59.976 I can't get in trouble because then I won't get approval. 00:11:00.696 --> 00:11:03.546 So then they might battle these fears of abandonment or feelings of 00:11:03.546 --> 00:11:07.206 unworthiness, and then a deep sense of this just pathological loneliness. 00:11:07.806 --> 00:11:11.546 Because as adults forming bonds, whether it's professional or social or romantic. 00:11:11.996 --> 00:11:13.916 Then that can be really challenging and tough. 00:11:14.276 --> 00:11:16.886 And then, you know, we're often seen as too submissive or too 00:11:16.886 --> 00:11:18.086 controlling or too detached. 00:11:18.656 --> 00:11:21.086 So to, to cope with these deep seated feelings. 00:11:21.536 --> 00:11:24.566 Then I think I mentioned this earlier, some turned to substance abuse or other 00:11:24.566 --> 00:11:27.806 types of behaviors, reckless driving or unsafe practices are adrenaline junkies. 00:11:28.076 --> 00:11:31.616 And it becomes this way of numbing the pain or coping with just a world that 00:11:31.646 --> 00:11:33.206 always just feels like something's off. 00:11:33.806 --> 00:11:38.306 So by learning about your own family dynamic or patterns, you're 00:11:38.336 --> 00:11:41.366 starting to uncover these hidden scripts or these expectations. 00:11:41.816 --> 00:11:44.336 And then you get to challenge them and then you get to choose your path. 00:11:44.996 --> 00:11:47.186 And that's how we start to break free and we start to live the 00:11:47.186 --> 00:11:48.536 lives that really are our own. 00:11:49.076 --> 00:11:51.986 So today we really are going to spend time talking about these roles that we 00:11:51.986 --> 00:11:54.266 played in the narcissistic family systems. 00:11:54.626 --> 00:11:57.536 And I really believe that by understanding those dynamics. 00:11:57.866 --> 00:11:59.066 Then we can take a step back. 00:11:59.066 --> 00:12:01.226 We can see the bigger picture of our upbringing. 00:12:01.886 --> 00:12:03.826 And again, , our parents knew what they knew. 00:12:04.396 --> 00:12:06.856 , and those lasting effects, because it is really about 00:12:06.856 --> 00:12:08.686 recognizing where we come from. 00:12:09.136 --> 00:12:13.486 So then we can, oh, cliche coming so we can better understand where we're going.. 00:12:13.630 --> 00:12:18.070 But let's start by talking about a woman name, Denise. 00:12:18.680 --> 00:12:20.270 , Denise grew up in a high demand religion. 00:12:20.420 --> 00:12:24.470 She was the oldest of six kids and her father is a man who was 00:12:24.470 --> 00:12:26.510 well-respected in his faith community. 00:12:26.840 --> 00:12:29.540 For his, uh, his various roles, his callings. 00:12:29.900 --> 00:12:31.310 But he was a different person at home. 00:12:31.800 --> 00:12:35.040 We had identified that Denise's father was extremely emotionally 00:12:35.040 --> 00:12:38.520 immature or had definite narcissistic traits and tendencies. 00:12:39.210 --> 00:12:42.390 But as mood swings made it feel like she was just walking through a minefield 00:12:42.570 --> 00:12:44.340 everywhere that she went in the home. 00:12:44.640 --> 00:12:48.210 And for the most part, all of her siblings felt like they were trying to manage. 00:12:48.570 --> 00:12:49.620 Their dad's emotions. 00:12:50.220 --> 00:12:54.360 Now there's a researcher, a pioneer in, in basically understanding 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:56.340 dysfunctional family roles named Sharon. 00:12:56.610 --> 00:12:57.810 WEG Scheider crews. 00:12:58.260 --> 00:13:01.590 And she did a lot of work around highlighting how members of a family 00:13:01.590 --> 00:13:03.360 adapt to the stress and chaos. 00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:07.050 And chaos caused by issues like addiction. 00:13:07.680 --> 00:13:09.300 And then her model. 00:13:09.550 --> 00:13:13.390 Identified roles like the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat. 00:13:13.690 --> 00:13:15.520 The lost child and the mascot. 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:17.290 But here's where it gets really interesting. 00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:19.900 Then there were some other researchers that came along later. 00:13:19.900 --> 00:13:23.940 I think one name Cozaar Boyd, these around the early nineties. 00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:27.480 And then they expanded this model and then they showed that these roles 00:13:27.480 --> 00:13:31.680 aren't just limited to families battling addiction, but they're found in various 00:13:31.680 --> 00:13:35.130 dysfunctional dynamics, including families with narcissistic elements. 00:13:35.400 --> 00:13:39.000 And also those that are deeply entrenched in high demand religions are those 00:13:39.030 --> 00:13:40.590 where there has been sexual abuse. 00:13:41.130 --> 00:13:42.990 But back to Denise and her family. 00:13:43.320 --> 00:13:45.420 Her mom was the pathologically kind. 00:13:45.510 --> 00:13:49.380 She was in essence like the enabler always moving around, trying to keep 00:13:49.380 --> 00:13:51.060 everybody happy, especially her husband. 00:13:51.570 --> 00:13:54.900 And then Denise, she was stressed into that role of the hero. 00:13:55.380 --> 00:13:58.830 As the eldest, she felt the weight of being the perfect child. 00:13:58.980 --> 00:14:01.830 This was the bridge between her dad's expectations. 00:14:02.250 --> 00:14:06.060 And then her family's wellbeing, she felt like it was all on her because she saw 00:14:06.090 --> 00:14:07.980 how emotionally overwhelmed her mom was. 00:14:08.550 --> 00:14:11.070 But what does that mean for somebody like Denise? 00:14:11.640 --> 00:14:14.760 Growing up in an environment like this, where at church, 00:14:14.760 --> 00:14:16.020 her father was one person. 00:14:16.110 --> 00:14:18.390 And then at home, a completely different person. 00:14:18.930 --> 00:14:22.200 And where her mother's kindness was basically a shield that 00:14:22.380 --> 00:14:25.320 was used to deflect her dad's emotional ball volatility. 00:14:26.040 --> 00:14:27.900 It turns into a story of survival. 00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:29.890 Denise learned to Excel. 00:14:30.040 --> 00:14:32.140 She learned to be the buffer, the responsible one. 00:14:32.560 --> 00:14:36.910 But all the, while she was navigating this tight rope of her dad's narcissistic 00:14:36.910 --> 00:14:38.530 tendencies and emotional immaturity. 00:14:39.010 --> 00:14:42.820 As well as the demands that were put on their family. 00:14:42.870 --> 00:14:44.280 By their religious community. 00:14:45.210 --> 00:14:48.600 So, if you have ever felt like you are playing a role that scripted by 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:50.730 somebody else's needs and expectations. 00:14:51.210 --> 00:14:54.570 Especially in a family where appearances matter far more than 00:14:54.570 --> 00:14:58.110 reality, then I think you're going to find something in today's episode. 00:14:58.650 --> 00:15:01.080 So I'm going to spend a little bit more time with the nieces journey, I 00:15:01.080 --> 00:15:02.490 guess that will be our muse for today. 00:15:02.490 --> 00:15:03.810 The challenges that she faced. 00:15:03.810 --> 00:15:06.810 And more importantly, though, the, the path that she's been on of 00:15:06.810 --> 00:15:11.280 rediscovering her own identity outside of what we can call these impose roles. 00:15:11.310 --> 00:15:13.410 These seem like they were just put upon her. 00:15:14.100 --> 00:15:17.100 So stick around and we're going to unfold Denise's story. 00:15:17.160 --> 00:15:21.270 And I would imagine you're gonna find some bits of your own story in here as well. 00:15:22.170 --> 00:15:24.390 So, if we're trying to figure out what role you are. 00:15:24.640 --> 00:15:28.930 Figuring out who is playing, what part in a dysfunctional family is like a, 00:15:28.930 --> 00:15:31.090 it's like a putting a puzzle together. 00:15:31.450 --> 00:15:35.110 But the crazy part is that the pieces keep changing places. 00:15:35.620 --> 00:15:37.870 Because it isn't just about who is who. 00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:43.000 But it's also about when they are, who, because sometimes you can 00:15:43.000 --> 00:15:45.670 even change your role in a family. 00:15:45.807 --> 00:15:49.587 You know, maybe somebody steps away from their usual role due to their own 00:15:49.587 --> 00:15:54.117 life changes or somebody finally goes and does their own personal growth. 00:15:54.657 --> 00:15:57.447 And when that happens, then it is like musical chairs and everybody might 00:15:57.447 --> 00:15:58.947 have to shuffle around to fill the gap. 00:15:59.367 --> 00:16:00.657 And then here's another twist. 00:16:00.657 --> 00:16:04.977 Not every family has enough members for each role to be a solo gig. 00:16:05.247 --> 00:16:09.207 So you really will find one person juggling multiple roles, but never 00:16:09.207 --> 00:16:11.907 at the same time, it's like you're wearing different hats one after 00:16:11.907 --> 00:16:13.557 another, but never two at once. 00:16:13.557 --> 00:16:15.867 And this starts to be really stressful because. 00:16:16.357 --> 00:16:18.817 It's really tough to guess which hat the family expects 00:16:18.817 --> 00:16:19.987 you to wear at any given moment? 00:16:20.037 --> 00:16:24.057 Let's start with the enabler or sometimes known as the caretaker. 00:16:24.177 --> 00:16:28.737 You can think of the enabler as the family's unsung hero, or if 00:16:28.737 --> 00:16:30.927 we're sticking with this acting. 00:16:31.317 --> 00:16:32.067 Motif. 00:16:32.427 --> 00:16:36.957 Maybe they are like the backstage manager who they are always fixing the set, but 00:16:36.957 --> 00:16:38.817 they never get to come out and actually. 00:16:39.477 --> 00:16:40.707 Act or take a bow. 00:16:41.157 --> 00:16:45.477 And this role is so often taken on by a child, especially if the other 00:16:45.477 --> 00:16:47.277 parent isn't stepping in to support. 00:16:47.677 --> 00:16:51.007 The family member that's causing the dysfunction, like the addict or the person 00:16:51.007 --> 00:16:52.687 who's incredibly emotionally immature. 00:16:53.107 --> 00:16:55.207 So in this scenario, it's going to be Denise. 00:16:55.267 --> 00:16:57.667 That enabler ends up being the glue. 00:16:57.967 --> 00:16:59.377 Who tries to hold everything together. 00:16:59.737 --> 00:17:01.297 And they're the ones that are going to pick up the slack. 00:17:01.297 --> 00:17:03.787 They're going to handle problems that aren't really theirs to fix. 00:17:04.207 --> 00:17:07.087 It's like they're in this constant cycle of rescue missions and putting 00:17:07.087 --> 00:17:11.657 out fires and this person does become they're kind of like a martyr in 00:17:11.657 --> 00:17:15.167 the family drama because they're not just enabling the problematic 00:17:15.167 --> 00:17:17.897 behavior of the family member with the addiction or the mental health issue. 00:17:18.287 --> 00:17:21.467 But then they're also reinforcing the role that everybody else 00:17:21.467 --> 00:17:22.637 is playing in this script. 00:17:23.177 --> 00:17:26.597 And in families where a parent can't function properly, maybe because of 00:17:26.597 --> 00:17:29.867 their own mental health issues or addiction or a physical disability. 00:17:30.227 --> 00:17:33.887 Then you will find a child stepping into this role and then 00:17:33.887 --> 00:17:35.147 acting like a stand-in parent. 00:17:35.537 --> 00:17:37.727 And they become the ones that are worrying and listening and 00:17:37.727 --> 00:17:39.077 trying to keep everything afloat. 00:17:39.557 --> 00:17:43.847 But then their whole identity gets wrapped up in what they can do for others. 00:17:44.087 --> 00:17:49.097 Here's one of these origin stories of the human doing instead of the human being. 00:17:49.607 --> 00:17:51.137 Here's the real kicker about the enabler. 00:17:51.497 --> 00:17:55.547 They're protecting the family member is actually then causing the problems. 00:17:55.577 --> 00:17:58.217 But again, I am not assigning blame. 00:17:58.217 --> 00:18:01.967 We're just pointing out roles because that's, what's been so fascinating about 00:18:01.967 --> 00:18:05.777 this research is that the people just fall into the family dynamic because of 00:18:05.777 --> 00:18:08.027 the emotionally immature or the addict. 00:18:08.157 --> 00:18:12.147 That person is the one that's driving the need for the whole family system 00:18:12.147 --> 00:18:13.527 to fall into these different roles. 00:18:13.927 --> 00:18:16.387 So again, that enabler they're protecting the family member that's 00:18:16.387 --> 00:18:19.597 causing the problems, shielding them from the fallout of their actions. 00:18:20.077 --> 00:18:22.057 And it's a survival mechanism. 00:18:22.507 --> 00:18:26.617 That it's like they really have to show up or believe that without that intervention. 00:18:27.007 --> 00:18:29.917 The whole family would fall apart, but then here's the paradox that by 00:18:29.917 --> 00:18:32.557 stopping the dysfunctional family member from hitting rock bottom. 00:18:33.007 --> 00:18:36.247 Then they might also be stopping them from having that crucial, 00:18:36.247 --> 00:18:37.627 painful moment of truth. 00:18:38.107 --> 00:18:40.747 That in essence could turn everything around. 00:18:41.497 --> 00:18:43.687 And remember this isn't just about kids stepping into the role. 00:18:43.717 --> 00:18:46.657 Parents can be these enablers to, and then that whole dynamic plays 00:18:46.657 --> 00:18:47.827 out pretty much the same way. 00:18:48.247 --> 00:18:51.607 But if you've listened to previous episodes, the that's what the 00:18:51.607 --> 00:18:54.007 research shows is that enabler is. 00:18:54.607 --> 00:18:56.467 Is keeping that dynamic going. 00:18:57.367 --> 00:19:01.597 But then I personally feel like it's also saying that, Hey, if, if they 00:19:01.597 --> 00:19:04.687 could step out of that enable role, then maybe we could give that emotionally 00:19:04.687 --> 00:19:07.657 immature narcissistic person that aha moment that's going to change them. 00:19:08.117 --> 00:19:11.657 And I really believe that that's not what is going to cause that aha 00:19:11.687 --> 00:19:15.377 moment or the epiphany that, that has to come from that emotionally 00:19:15.377 --> 00:19:17.027 immature or narcissistic person. 00:19:17.687 --> 00:19:20.657 So, whether it is the kid or the parent, but my point is, I just want 00:19:20.657 --> 00:19:23.507 to start bringing awareness to these different roles, because I go back 00:19:23.507 --> 00:19:27.557 to the belief that once we know what we didn't know, then we can start to 00:19:27.557 --> 00:19:29.417 be aware and maybe even start to do. 00:19:29.417 --> 00:19:33.197 And this does become a youth thing in a good way that if you are one who 00:19:33.197 --> 00:19:36.347 finds yourself in any of these roles, in the family system, that, with that 00:19:36.347 --> 00:19:40.607 awareness, you can start to change the dynamic in the family relationship by. 00:19:41.147 --> 00:19:42.407 Taking action for yourself. 00:19:43.107 --> 00:19:45.177 And so then when we go back and we talk about that enabler, 00:19:45.357 --> 00:19:49.367 especially in the context of a child, In a dysfunctional family. 00:19:49.817 --> 00:19:52.277 The term that often comes up is parental education. 00:19:52.787 --> 00:19:54.557 And this is like thrusting the script. 00:19:54.777 --> 00:19:56.727 For an adult role into the hands of a child. 00:19:56.997 --> 00:20:00.267 Who's barely had the chance to learn their lines from being a kid. 00:20:00.837 --> 00:20:04.647 So from an early age, the child who becomes the enabler is pushed 00:20:04.647 --> 00:20:06.177 into grownup responsibilities. 00:20:06.657 --> 00:20:08.277 And they might have to take care of their siblings. 00:20:08.307 --> 00:20:10.827 Manage household duties, provide emotional support to a parent. 00:20:11.187 --> 00:20:12.807 And it's a really heavy load. 00:20:13.407 --> 00:20:15.987 And it's, they're basically carrying around a backpack 00:20:16.017 --> 00:20:17.517 full of adult sized problems. 00:20:18.087 --> 00:20:20.257 Even though they are wearing kids size shoes. 00:20:20.767 --> 00:20:26.257 And that premature leap into adult roles often leads that enabler feeling like 00:20:26.257 --> 00:20:27.697 they've been robbed of their childhood. 00:20:28.507 --> 00:20:32.407 And I mean, I had a story once of somebody that said that they would take 00:20:32.407 --> 00:20:34.177 all their siblings to the playground. 00:20:34.657 --> 00:20:35.677 And they would watch us. 00:20:35.707 --> 00:20:39.487 Every other kid is on the swings or the slides, which is 00:20:39.487 --> 00:20:41.047 where they should have been. 00:20:41.197 --> 00:20:44.107 But they're over on the bench worrying about grownup stuff and trying to 00:20:44.137 --> 00:20:45.667 keep track of their young siblings. 00:20:46.177 --> 00:20:50.407 That's that enabler as a child, they miss out on the whole carefree 00:20:50.437 --> 00:20:54.757 exploration or the lightness of just being a kid because they're too busy. 00:20:55.147 --> 00:20:56.377 Being a stand in parent. 00:20:57.217 --> 00:21:02.077 So now let's talk about the concept of an old soul in psychology. 00:21:02.077 --> 00:21:05.587 It's not necessarily a formal term, but it's a poetic way of describing somebody 00:21:05.587 --> 00:21:07.477 who seems wise beyond their years. 00:21:07.897 --> 00:21:11.797 And I remember early on thinking what a, what an amazing person, 00:21:11.797 --> 00:21:14.557 you know, this young teenager is who seems like they're an old soul. 00:21:15.037 --> 00:21:15.397 'cause it. 00:21:15.427 --> 00:21:18.457 It's like they've got this depth of understanding and deep, emotional 00:21:18.457 --> 00:21:20.587 insight that you typically expect from somebody much older. 00:21:21.427 --> 00:21:27.337 Y well, because when somebody refers to this enabler as an old soul, They're 00:21:27.337 --> 00:21:31.657 often recognizing this wisdom that comes from facing adult responsibilities. 00:21:31.987 --> 00:21:34.327 And emotional burdens at a very young age. 00:21:35.077 --> 00:21:38.907 So then it's all those experiences have edge to maturity into their character. 00:21:39.597 --> 00:21:42.057 And then why is the enabler often described this way? 00:21:42.477 --> 00:21:44.277 And again, it's because they've seen and dealt with. 00:21:44.607 --> 00:21:46.647 All kinds of things that are so far. 00:21:47.037 --> 00:21:52.077 Beyond their, um, their age beyond what's typical for their age. 00:21:52.557 --> 00:21:54.927 So they've had to navigate these complex emotions. 00:21:54.927 --> 00:21:56.997 They've had to make tough decisions that Kerry burns that have 00:21:56.997 --> 00:21:58.197 given him a perspective on life. 00:21:58.197 --> 00:22:01.287 That's it's unusually deep and thoughtful for their years. 00:22:01.677 --> 00:22:04.737 So that compliment, if you have ever been given that, or you give that 00:22:04.737 --> 00:22:08.007 to somebody else kind of bittersweet because on one hand, it acknowledges 00:22:08.037 --> 00:22:12.387 man, you are amazing and resilient and you must have all kinds of wisdom. 00:22:12.747 --> 00:22:14.697 On the other hand, it's saying, Hey, but a. 00:22:15.497 --> 00:22:16.697 Kinda missed out on your childhood. 00:22:17.007 --> 00:22:18.927 That, that simplicity and freedom. 00:22:19.347 --> 00:22:20.967 That you had to sacrifice along the way. 00:22:21.897 --> 00:22:24.717 So next up is the hero and a dysfunctional family. 00:22:25.077 --> 00:22:27.417 This would then be the lead actor in the play. 00:22:27.777 --> 00:22:32.127 Where the script is all about them and keeping up appearances, the hero is 00:22:32.187 --> 00:22:35.937 about making sure that the family appears normal and problem-free we're good. 00:22:36.027 --> 00:22:36.597 Right guys. 00:22:37.227 --> 00:22:39.567 They're the ones who start to Excel the overachievers. 00:22:39.567 --> 00:22:41.307 They're the ones who look like they've got everything together. 00:22:42.147 --> 00:22:44.487 But it's mostly a show for the outside world. 00:22:44.847 --> 00:22:48.627 So the hero is, is the one that the parents point to and 00:22:48.627 --> 00:22:50.187 say, see we're, we're fine. 00:22:50.247 --> 00:22:51.267 We're good parents. 00:22:51.867 --> 00:22:54.237 It's like they're carrying the, family's banner and a parade, 00:22:54.237 --> 00:22:55.347 making sure it always flies high. 00:22:55.407 --> 00:22:55.917 It looks great. 00:22:55.947 --> 00:22:56.637 Their life mission. 00:22:57.057 --> 00:22:59.127 To embody the family's definition of success. 00:22:59.187 --> 00:23:01.827 They have to be the strong one, the unflappable one, the achiever. 00:23:02.397 --> 00:23:06.147 But this role is as shiny as it might seem on the surface. 00:23:06.717 --> 00:23:10.707 That also has its own set of heavy chains because the hero often struggles 00:23:10.707 --> 00:23:14.067 with things like stress-related illness and they can become a workaholic. 00:23:14.397 --> 00:23:17.457 It's it's the pressure of always needing to be the best, this 00:23:17.457 --> 00:23:19.557 beacon of success and normalcy. 00:23:19.647 --> 00:23:23.847 So from a very young age, that hero learns to take on all the emotional burdens. 00:23:23.877 --> 00:23:27.307 Sometimes even becoming a sort of stand in partner or confidant. 00:23:27.667 --> 00:23:28.267 For the parent. 00:23:28.297 --> 00:23:32.227 So here we are, again, back to that parentification because when the parent 00:23:32.227 --> 00:23:36.037 or parents are showing up emotionally immature, then they are going to 00:23:36.037 --> 00:23:37.927 start putting things on the kids. 00:23:37.957 --> 00:23:41.767 It is up to the kids to fill in the blank to show that we are doing okay. 00:23:42.277 --> 00:23:45.037 Or to take care of all of their siblings as well. 00:23:45.837 --> 00:23:49.377 And a family where there is narcissistic personality disorder 00:23:49.377 --> 00:23:50.847 or extreme emotional immaturity. 00:23:50.907 --> 00:23:53.487 The hero often gets cast as the golden child. 00:23:54.287 --> 00:23:57.497 That's the kid who, the narcissistic parent showers with all the positive 00:23:57.497 --> 00:24:01.157 attention, but the golden status, it really isn't as glorious as it sounds. 00:24:01.157 --> 00:24:04.337 I've worked with plenty of people that have been that golden child 00:24:04.337 --> 00:24:05.537 because they start to suffer from. 00:24:05.977 --> 00:24:09.337 Emotional, sometimes covert abuse by the narcissistic parent. 00:24:09.907 --> 00:24:14.167 And then they're also often, this is one of the saddest things caught in the 00:24:14.167 --> 00:24:17.977 crossfire of witnessing and sometimes even being a part of, or participating in two. 00:24:18.487 --> 00:24:20.677 To their dismay, the abuse of the siblings. 00:24:21.067 --> 00:24:22.357 Why can't you be more like your brother? 00:24:22.387 --> 00:24:23.647 Why can't you be more like your sister? 00:24:24.097 --> 00:24:27.307 And experts believe that by seeing your siblings being emotionally or 00:24:27.307 --> 00:24:30.967 physically abused can be just as traumatic as experiencing it yourself. 00:24:31.357 --> 00:24:34.537 So while the hero might look like the star of the show. 00:24:34.967 --> 00:24:38.717 Behind the scenes, they are often there they're grappling with a lot of pain 00:24:38.717 --> 00:24:41.837 and pressure because they feel all of a sudden, like they're carrying the 00:24:41.837 --> 00:24:45.467 weight of being the perfect image of a family that is far from perfect. 00:24:46.127 --> 00:24:48.317 And that's what starts to get crazy is when you start to look at all 00:24:48.317 --> 00:24:52.037 the different roles, when they are trained to manage the families. 00:24:52.547 --> 00:24:55.247 Affairs or manage the parent's emotions. 00:24:55.577 --> 00:24:56.957 They're all going through it. 00:24:56.957 --> 00:24:59.177 And they're all feeling like they are alone. 00:24:59.777 --> 00:25:02.837 Because it's as if they're all isolated in their own individual roles. 00:25:03.587 --> 00:25:06.317 I've talked a little bit about this type of therapy called 00:25:06.317 --> 00:25:08.267 internal family systems or ifs. 00:25:08.807 --> 00:25:10.997 And I do want to just take a real quick side note because I 00:25:11.027 --> 00:25:11.807 think it's really interesting. 00:25:11.807 --> 00:25:12.347 The hero. 00:25:12.377 --> 00:25:14.537 If you're looking at the world of internal family systems. 00:25:14.867 --> 00:25:17.807 When you're talking about the hero or the golden child and a dysfunctional family. 00:25:18.347 --> 00:25:22.787 It's, I think it's fascinating to see how it impacts their internal emotional world. 00:25:22.967 --> 00:25:27.167 So if you look at this internal family systems, model or lens, In internal 00:25:27.167 --> 00:25:30.887 family systems, the psyche is viewed as made up of a lot of different 00:25:30.887 --> 00:25:34.817 parts and each of the parts has its own unique perspective and feelings. 00:25:34.923 --> 00:25:38.943 So for the hero constantly striving for perfection, carrying the family's image. 00:25:39.333 --> 00:25:42.663 A critical part of their emotional experience then gets pushed aside. 00:25:43.083 --> 00:25:47.073 So the part that feels not good enough or fears failure. 00:25:47.733 --> 00:25:51.303 It's sorta like then they have the, they call it an exiled part of themselves. 00:25:51.303 --> 00:25:55.053 A part that holds the trauma, the fear, the pain of never meeting those. 00:25:55.113 --> 00:25:57.243 What are really impossible standards. 00:25:57.431 --> 00:26:01.151 This exile part, it can carry just really deep seated feelings 00:26:01.151 --> 00:26:03.431 of inadequacy and vulnerability. 00:26:04.241 --> 00:26:06.131 So in everyday life, the hero. 00:26:06.491 --> 00:26:11.351 The, the more dominant manager parts of their psyche work overtime to keep 00:26:11.351 --> 00:26:13.061 this vulnerable exile part hidden. 00:26:13.451 --> 00:26:16.601 So the manager is going to do everything it can to drive this 00:26:16.601 --> 00:26:18.941 person to achieve more and be more. 00:26:18.971 --> 00:26:20.141 And don't show weakness. 00:26:20.681 --> 00:26:23.981 But then this relentless pursuit of perfection and strength. 00:26:24.401 --> 00:26:27.641 It leads to a lot of internal stress and a lot of conflict. 00:26:28.501 --> 00:26:32.011 Imagine a tug of war, like an internal tug of war, where one part is constantly. 00:26:32.371 --> 00:26:33.931 Pushing for perfection and achievement. 00:26:33.931 --> 00:26:36.061 And the other part is buried deep inside. 00:26:36.061 --> 00:26:37.951 It's holding on to feelings of never being enough. 00:26:38.701 --> 00:26:42.451 And so then that internal struggle, it can manifest itself in a lot of different 00:26:42.451 --> 00:26:45.181 ways, anxiety, depression, burnout, and. 00:26:45.961 --> 00:26:49.921 Eventually physical illness, as well as that exiled emotion and the 00:26:49.921 --> 00:26:54.781 trauma they demand to at some point be acknowledged and to be healed. 00:26:55.045 --> 00:26:58.195 And let me take a moment and kind of shift the focus to a role that 00:26:58.195 --> 00:27:00.025 I think is often misunderstood too. 00:27:00.025 --> 00:27:01.135 In dysfunctional families. 00:27:01.375 --> 00:27:02.185 That's the scapegoat. 00:27:02.605 --> 00:27:06.805 So now if you picture somebody who's always seen as the problem 00:27:06.805 --> 00:27:08.215 child or the troublemaker. 00:27:08.705 --> 00:27:12.065 This person, the family, his family more often comes across as defiant 00:27:12.185 --> 00:27:14.105 or hostile or perpetually angry. 00:27:14.645 --> 00:27:18.575 But there is so much more to the scapegoat than I think meets the, I think the 00:27:18.575 --> 00:27:20.555 scapegoat is really this unsung hero. 00:27:21.065 --> 00:27:23.765 So the scapegoat is like the family's alarm system. 00:27:24.155 --> 00:27:27.575 They will vocalize they'll act out the issues that the family is 00:27:27.575 --> 00:27:28.955 trying hard to sweep under the rug. 00:27:29.495 --> 00:27:33.125 So the scapegoats behavior, even though it can draw a lot of negative attention. 00:27:33.635 --> 00:27:37.475 It almost serves as a bit of a smoke stream, smokescreen diverting 00:27:37.475 --> 00:27:40.055 people's eyes away from the real problems that are, that are. 00:27:40.855 --> 00:27:43.135 Brewing beneath the family surface because. 00:27:43.945 --> 00:27:46.945 In school, for example, the scapegoat is the kid who's always in trouble. 00:27:47.005 --> 00:27:51.865 Not because they enjoy it, but because negative attention is still attention. 00:27:52.585 --> 00:27:53.965 They're often smart. 00:27:53.995 --> 00:27:55.045 They can be charismatic. 00:27:55.075 --> 00:27:58.135 They can have a strong influence in their peer groups. 00:27:58.525 --> 00:28:01.615 But the catch is that the groups they gravitate toward are usually 00:28:01.615 --> 00:28:03.385 not the most emotionally healthy. 00:28:04.015 --> 00:28:07.465 And so then their relationships tend to be on the surface level and they start 00:28:07.465 --> 00:28:09.385 to lack real depth, their authenticity. 00:28:10.185 --> 00:28:13.155 And that role, the scapegoat and the family almost seems like it's 00:28:13.155 --> 00:28:17.295 sacrificial because they become the identified patient in a sense that 00:28:17.295 --> 00:28:20.145 the one that everybody points to as the source of all the problems. 00:28:20.655 --> 00:28:22.215 But then here's the thing though. 00:28:22.215 --> 00:28:24.945 Scapegoats come in a lot of different forms, lot of different sizes and 00:28:24.945 --> 00:28:28.785 shapes, you might find the quiet picked on kid who seems weak or sickly, or 00:28:28.785 --> 00:28:31.455 you might find the angry rebellious one, always in the thick of conflict, 00:28:31.455 --> 00:28:34.155 often viewed as self destructive or cynical, or even really mean. 00:28:34.785 --> 00:28:38.265 And in a family where there is narcissistic personality disorder, 00:28:38.265 --> 00:28:40.935 or narcissistic traits and tendencies or extreme emotional 00:28:40.935 --> 00:28:42.195 immaturity when that's present. 00:28:42.735 --> 00:28:46.515 Then the scapegoat is it's essentially the opposite of the golden child, because then 00:28:46.515 --> 00:28:50.265 the scapegoat is the recipient of all the negative projections, nothing they do ever 00:28:50.265 --> 00:28:52.455 seems right to the narcissistic parent. 00:28:53.115 --> 00:28:56.205 So while they might be labeled as rebels, it's really worth taking a look 00:28:56.205 --> 00:28:59.115 at or questioning whether they really chose this role, or if it was more 00:28:59.115 --> 00:29:00.345 of a response to their environment. 00:29:00.855 --> 00:29:04.905 So the scapegoat in a, in a narcissistic family typically will endure both 00:29:04.905 --> 00:29:07.245 emotional and sometimes physical abuse. 00:29:07.725 --> 00:29:10.185 Which in makes their role all the more challenging and painful. 00:29:10.185 --> 00:29:12.225 It's almost like they can't get out of that role. 00:29:12.645 --> 00:29:15.645 So while the scapegoat might seem like they are just a troublemaker, that 00:29:15.645 --> 00:29:17.725 behavior is really a deeper cry for help. 00:29:18.265 --> 00:29:22.375 And then it, again, acts like this mirror for the families, hidden struggles. 00:29:22.735 --> 00:29:27.815 And I have some absolutely unfounded unscientific just anecdotal. 00:29:28.385 --> 00:29:30.515 Thoughts or views around that? 00:29:30.515 --> 00:29:33.305 I find often the scapegoat child or that. 00:29:33.915 --> 00:29:36.795 That enabler child, that those are the ones, the ones that just truly 00:29:36.795 --> 00:29:40.215 weren't seen, they weren't seen, they weren't understood are the ones that 00:29:40.215 --> 00:29:44.355 I think can often then find themselves getting help going to therapy, 00:29:44.625 --> 00:29:46.065 even if they find themselves in. 00:29:46.245 --> 00:29:49.305 An unhealthy relationships because that's all that they knew. 00:29:49.815 --> 00:29:52.665 But then those are the people that I think sometimes can eventually 00:29:52.725 --> 00:29:54.465 recognize or find their voice. 00:29:54.465 --> 00:29:55.245 They go get help. 00:29:55.275 --> 00:29:57.795 And then that's a lot of the population that I think that I'm working with. 00:29:58.595 --> 00:30:00.065 Let's talk about the lost child. 00:30:00.305 --> 00:30:01.865 Business is another one of those that I don't think we 00:30:01.865 --> 00:30:03.425 give, we pay much attention to. 00:30:03.935 --> 00:30:06.575 Answer's ironic because that's exactly what we're going to talk about. 00:30:06.625 --> 00:30:08.155 Not, not paying attention to the lost child. 00:30:08.185 --> 00:30:10.915 So let's turn our attention to the lost child, because that is 00:30:10.915 --> 00:30:13.615 the one who often flies under the radar in a dysfunctional family. 00:30:14.005 --> 00:30:17.185 You might know them as the quiet one or the dreamer, the lost child is 00:30:17.275 --> 00:30:18.535 kind of like a shadow in the family. 00:30:18.535 --> 00:30:19.225 They're barely seen. 00:30:19.225 --> 00:30:19.915 They're barely heard. 00:30:20.275 --> 00:30:21.445 They play small. 00:30:21.475 --> 00:30:23.815 They stay out of the way, almost blending into the background. 00:30:24.325 --> 00:30:26.245 And their strategy for coping with the family. 00:30:26.245 --> 00:30:27.895 Chaos is just to disappear. 00:30:28.015 --> 00:30:30.325 You know, you find them spending a lot of time alone there. 00:30:30.325 --> 00:30:31.975 The often here lost in their own world. 00:30:32.635 --> 00:30:35.365 And in a way the lost child serves a purpose. 00:30:35.395 --> 00:30:39.175 That's pretty similar to the hero because their ability to stay out of trouble. 00:30:39.745 --> 00:30:40.705 Let's the family. 00:30:41.025 --> 00:30:41.565 Paint. 00:30:41.745 --> 00:30:42.975 A picture of normalcy. 00:30:42.975 --> 00:30:44.475 We'll look at, look at this person. 00:30:44.475 --> 00:30:45.255 They are so good. 00:30:45.255 --> 00:30:45.975 They're so quiet. 00:30:46.245 --> 00:30:47.475 So things can't be that bad. 00:30:47.625 --> 00:30:48.165 Right guys. 00:30:49.095 --> 00:30:51.885 But by avoiding interaction fading into the background than the 00:30:51.885 --> 00:30:53.715 lost child misses out on a lot. 00:30:54.345 --> 00:30:58.395 And they often grow up as more introverted or loners are extremely shy. 00:30:58.995 --> 00:31:02.415 And they, their retreat into solitude means that they don't really even get 00:31:02.415 --> 00:31:05.955 the chance to develop a lot of crucial social and communication skills. 00:31:05.955 --> 00:31:09.735 And as a result, Then the lost child often struggles with forming relationships 00:31:09.735 --> 00:31:13.095 or dealing with intimacy and they may have really poor communication skills. 00:31:13.665 --> 00:31:16.875 Because their way of dealing with feelings and don't deny them stay on bothered. 00:31:17.285 --> 00:31:19.325 Play the long game and withdraw from reality. 00:31:19.895 --> 00:31:23.975 So then in a family with narcissistic personality disorder, emotional 00:31:23.975 --> 00:31:27.455 maturity, the lost child is the one who starts to seem like they barely 00:31:27.455 --> 00:31:28.895 exist in the narcissist world. 00:31:29.435 --> 00:31:33.455 And they avoid conflict by keeping such a low profile that they're almost invisible. 00:31:33.875 --> 00:31:37.805 Not seen as a threat or even a valuable source of narcissistic supply, which 00:31:37.805 --> 00:31:39.215 I think that's one of the keys. 00:31:39.725 --> 00:31:42.995 So the lost child often suffers from neglect and emotional abuse, but 00:31:42.995 --> 00:31:46.415 then that just seems to cement their isolation and their invisibility. 00:31:46.865 --> 00:31:50.165 So while they might seem like they're just shy or introverted, the last 00:31:50.165 --> 00:31:52.325 child's behavior is a survival mechanism. 00:31:52.535 --> 00:31:56.105 And again, you can see how these, we start to find ourselves in all 00:31:56.105 --> 00:31:57.485 these different roles in this. 00:31:57.905 --> 00:31:59.285 Narcissistic family system. 00:31:59.585 --> 00:32:01.175 As a way to survive. 00:32:01.925 --> 00:32:06.355 But it does come to the lost child at a real significant personal cost. 00:32:07.225 --> 00:32:11.215 Then I'd say that most immediate and apparent cost is their struggle to speak 00:32:11.215 --> 00:32:13.225 up and advocate for their own needs. 00:32:13.375 --> 00:32:16.285 And then having spent so much of their time fading into the background. 00:32:16.765 --> 00:32:19.975 The lost child often doesn't learn how to assert themselves in relationships. 00:32:19.975 --> 00:32:22.645 So whether they're friendships or romantic partnerships. 00:32:23.065 --> 00:32:26.875 They're so used to being unseen and unheard that they instinctively just 00:32:26.875 --> 00:32:28.585 play small, avoiding the spotlight. 00:32:28.975 --> 00:32:31.945 And suppressing their desires and their needs and that, that tendency. 00:32:32.455 --> 00:32:35.065 Can lead to relationships where their needs are consistently 00:32:35.065 --> 00:32:35.965 overlooked or unmet. 00:32:36.025 --> 00:32:38.005 And it just perpetuates that cycle of feeling. 00:32:38.395 --> 00:32:39.745 Undervalued and invisible. 00:32:40.375 --> 00:32:41.575 And I think it's really interesting. 00:32:41.605 --> 00:32:45.395 So when I work with a client like this playing the role of the lost 00:32:45.425 --> 00:32:48.615 child you're navigating a whole different set of challenges. 00:32:48.615 --> 00:32:50.535 So when they come to your office, a lot of times they. 00:32:50.865 --> 00:32:53.565 Often are taking their first steps towards self discovery and personal growth. 00:32:53.595 --> 00:32:53.925 But. 00:32:54.495 --> 00:32:58.635 It's really fascinating because exploring what they like their dreams 00:32:58.635 --> 00:33:00.585 or desires is still alien to them. 00:33:01.185 --> 00:33:03.615 So for the lost child, this fundamental question of, well, what do you 00:33:03.615 --> 00:33:04.935 like, or what are your dreams? 00:33:05.025 --> 00:33:07.335 It can feel really daunting and it's not just there. 00:33:07.695 --> 00:33:10.155 Not used to being asked about their preferences or aspirations, but 00:33:10.155 --> 00:33:12.585 it's, they've lived a life where their opinions and their desires 00:33:12.585 --> 00:33:15.135 were typically deemed irrelevant. 00:33:15.765 --> 00:33:18.435 Or they might have grown up in an environment where it expressing their 00:33:18.435 --> 00:33:22.335 individuality was met with absolute disapproval correction or even dismissal. 00:33:22.515 --> 00:33:24.855 So as a result, then they're probably going to struggle 00:33:24.855 --> 00:33:25.935 to articulate their thoughts. 00:33:25.935 --> 00:33:30.685 If you have found yourself unsure of what to say it can be because you probably even 00:33:30.715 --> 00:33:33.295 doubt the validity of your own opinions. 00:33:33.985 --> 00:33:37.405 And then it's going to be, it might be difficult to engage in self 00:33:37.405 --> 00:33:40.705 exploration and they, they probably hesitate to share their thoughts either 00:33:40.705 --> 00:33:43.795 because they're so used to having them overridden or because they honestly 00:33:43.795 --> 00:33:46.885 just haven't had the opportunity to form those thoughts in the first place. 00:33:47.455 --> 00:33:48.205 So it's this. 00:33:48.505 --> 00:33:51.175 Just deep disconnection from their inner self. 00:33:51.715 --> 00:33:54.955 Almost like this void where that's where their personal identity would be. 00:33:55.525 --> 00:33:58.555 And then that does really, again, from the role of a therapist, it's a, it's a 00:33:58.585 --> 00:34:02.825 challenge because the standard approaches to self discovery and expression might 00:34:02.825 --> 00:34:04.715 not really be that effective at first. 00:34:04.745 --> 00:34:05.825 So you have to build trust. 00:34:05.825 --> 00:34:09.065 You create this safe space that becomes really important. 00:34:09.515 --> 00:34:13.265 Because then you have to gently guide them into exploring their own identity 00:34:13.265 --> 00:34:16.865 and their preferences and their dreams while still trying to reinforce the idea. 00:34:17.225 --> 00:34:19.535 That their thoughts and feelings are not only valued. 00:34:19.985 --> 00:34:23.525 Or not only valid, but they are, are absolutely valued. 00:34:24.245 --> 00:34:27.485 So I found that some of the things I've helped with the lost child or 00:34:27.485 --> 00:34:29.525 some creative approaches, like a. 00:34:30.165 --> 00:34:33.555 Art therapy, journaling, guided imagery, that those kind of things 00:34:33.555 --> 00:34:36.465 might help with different means to help them express themselves. 00:34:36.495 --> 00:34:39.285 But the goal then is to help them realize that their voice matters and 00:34:39.315 --> 00:34:41.385 then to nurture their ability to explore. 00:34:41.865 --> 00:34:44.025 And and express their individuality. 00:34:44.565 --> 00:34:47.535 And I jotted down a few things too, that they're, these are some of the 00:34:47.535 --> 00:34:49.965 other costs, I think, to the lost child and spend a little bit of time there 00:34:49.965 --> 00:34:53.005 because I think a lot of the population also that I work with are they have 00:34:53.005 --> 00:34:54.265 felt like they are this lost child. 00:34:54.625 --> 00:34:57.205 So then you can have difficulty forming deep connections. 00:34:57.485 --> 00:35:00.395 Since they don't practice a lot of social interaction and communication. 00:35:00.785 --> 00:35:03.515 They can find it challenging to form close, meaningful relationships. 00:35:03.965 --> 00:35:06.515 And that would lead to even struggling with intimacy because 00:35:06.515 --> 00:35:08.855 they just aren't used to opening up and sharing their inner world. 00:35:08.905 --> 00:35:11.755 It can lead to lower self-esteem and identity issues. 00:35:12.145 --> 00:35:14.995 Because if you are growing up without feeling seen or heard. 00:35:15.475 --> 00:35:17.155 You're going to have a pretty shaky sense of self. 00:35:18.145 --> 00:35:22.265 And then you may feel even unworthy of attention or even affection. 00:35:22.935 --> 00:35:25.845 Because they've just spent so much time blending into the background and then 00:35:25.845 --> 00:35:29.385 emotional regulation challenges, which even though it seems like they may be 00:35:29.385 --> 00:35:31.125 just a bit more indifferent or flat. 00:35:31.745 --> 00:35:34.835 If you're avoiding conflict and suppressing emotions, then it becomes 00:35:34.835 --> 00:35:36.095 a pretty deeply ingrained habit. 00:35:36.635 --> 00:35:42.005 So then there are times where your body is screaming, the score and trying 00:35:42.005 --> 00:35:45.095 to manage your emotions or coping with stress or anxiety or sadness. 00:35:45.125 --> 00:35:46.685 It can come out in a big kind of way. 00:35:46.715 --> 00:35:50.585 And when you're not expecting it, And then that leads to a risk of depression 00:35:50.585 --> 00:35:53.555 and anxiety because that isolation, the, the emotional suppression. 00:35:54.005 --> 00:35:55.445 Uh, it increases the risk of. 00:35:55.518 --> 00:35:58.788 Right in mental health issues, but things like depression and anxiety. 00:35:59.218 --> 00:36:02.248 Because it just will cause this source of distress because we're 00:36:02.248 --> 00:36:04.858 designed to deal with emotion in concert with another human. 00:36:04.858 --> 00:36:07.048 We want to be heard and under seen under scene. 00:36:07.438 --> 00:36:09.118 I want to be heard and understood and seen. 00:36:09.598 --> 00:36:12.808 And then the thing that breaks my heart as makes you more vulnerable 00:36:12.808 --> 00:36:15.298 to manipulation or neglect and relationships, because given their 00:36:15.298 --> 00:36:16.588 tendency to stay in the background. 00:36:17.128 --> 00:36:19.708 The last child may find themselves in relationships where they are 00:36:19.768 --> 00:36:22.498 easily overlooked or manipulated, and they start to gravitate toward 00:36:22.498 --> 00:36:23.908 people who dominate the relationship. 00:36:24.298 --> 00:36:27.568 So that will repeat the whole pattern of neglect and invisibility. 00:36:27.868 --> 00:36:30.598 That they saw in their family because that's comfortable for them. 00:36:30.801 --> 00:36:31.641 So here we go. 00:36:31.801 --> 00:36:34.653 . let's, let's shine a little spotlight here on the mascot. 00:36:34.653 --> 00:36:36.723 So picture the class clown. 00:36:36.993 --> 00:36:40.683 But the life of the party, eat the one, always ready to make a joke or 00:36:40.683 --> 00:36:43.173 do a silly stunt or, Hey everybody, look at me and watch me juggle. 00:36:43.743 --> 00:36:47.313 The mascot's mission is to diffuse tension and lighten the mood. 00:36:47.343 --> 00:36:50.703 Especially when the family atmosphere gets too heavy. 00:36:51.453 --> 00:36:55.563 So imagine a tight rope Walker, trying to balance the family's 00:36:55.563 --> 00:36:57.033 emotional load with humor. 00:36:57.483 --> 00:36:58.653 That is the mascot. 00:36:59.463 --> 00:37:00.813 And what's crazy is that. 00:37:01.353 --> 00:37:02.883 They actually feel pretty powerless. 00:37:03.403 --> 00:37:04.813 In the family chaos. 00:37:05.233 --> 00:37:07.573 So they use their antics as sort of an escape bow. 00:37:07.633 --> 00:37:09.943 They're the ones who try to make everybody laugh when arguments heat 00:37:09.943 --> 00:37:11.803 up, or when things get too intense. 00:37:12.493 --> 00:37:15.163 It's kinda like they're the families unofficial entertainer brighten 00:37:15.193 --> 00:37:18.223 up the room with comedy, or even if it's just a temporary fix. 00:37:19.063 --> 00:37:23.443 But their humor often serves a much deeper purpose too, because it's a way for them 00:37:23.443 --> 00:37:27.313 to voice the, their unspoken emotions that are just swirling around in their 00:37:27.313 --> 00:37:32.023 head and in the family, whether it's anger or sadness, fear or frustration. 00:37:32.593 --> 00:37:35.893 But while that lightheartedness does bring a little bit of relief. 00:37:36.163 --> 00:37:37.363 Kind of momentary relief. 00:37:37.873 --> 00:37:40.853 It's like putting a bandaid though on a really deep wound, it doesn't 00:37:40.853 --> 00:37:42.413 really heal the underlying issues. 00:37:42.983 --> 00:37:46.923 Now the rest of the family might rally around the, the class clown. 00:37:47.373 --> 00:37:51.513 And they might even go to links to protect them, but beneath this 00:37:51.543 --> 00:37:55.653 seemingly carefree, exterior, the mascot is anything but relaxed. 00:37:56.313 --> 00:37:58.503 They're usually on the go or they're anxious or they're down. 00:37:58.533 --> 00:38:00.003 If things aren't constantly in motion. 00:38:00.813 --> 00:38:03.063 And this hyperactivity starts to spill over into their ability 00:38:03.063 --> 00:38:04.653 to concentrate and focus. 00:38:04.653 --> 00:38:06.633 Sometimes it can make school or work a challenge. 00:38:06.903 --> 00:38:10.473 That's why every now and again, you'll hear them also labeled as a slacker. 00:38:11.133 --> 00:38:14.583 But this is where it gets really complex because the mascot often struggles 00:38:14.583 --> 00:38:16.623 with forming genuine deep connections. 00:38:16.923 --> 00:38:19.533 And then their relationships might feel more like projects. 00:38:19.633 --> 00:38:20.203 Because they. 00:38:20.833 --> 00:38:24.733 Tend to gravitate to others, trying to save them or fix them. 00:38:25.513 --> 00:38:27.703 And that can even be in there. 00:38:27.793 --> 00:38:28.513 Their work. 00:38:29.353 --> 00:38:33.583 And so that is often battling these feelings of low self-worth and guilt. 00:38:34.093 --> 00:38:37.303 Which they want to try and counteract by being exceptionally nice. 00:38:37.843 --> 00:38:39.373 And then this people pleasing behavior. 00:38:39.423 --> 00:38:41.373 It's a classic sign of codependency. 00:38:41.913 --> 00:38:44.493 So while the mascot might seem like the happiest and the most 00:38:44.523 --> 00:38:45.663 carefree member of the family. 00:38:46.053 --> 00:38:49.323 Their role is layered with a lot of challenges because they're 00:38:49.323 --> 00:38:50.823 not just the family comedian. 00:38:50.823 --> 00:38:51.453 They're also. 00:38:51.963 --> 00:38:55.953 A mirror of the family's unspoken pains and they use humor both as a shield. 00:38:56.313 --> 00:39:00.453 And desperately trying to find a way to connect, even though that doesn't 00:39:00.693 --> 00:39:02.493 resonate or land within the family. 00:39:02.493 --> 00:39:06.233 Wrapping up today's episode the proverbial, what do we learn today moment? 00:39:06.793 --> 00:39:09.403 Let's just take a second, reflect on the journey that we went through. 00:39:09.413 --> 00:39:15.253 We were looking at the complex roles of dysfunctional families, and we took a look 00:39:15.253 --> 00:39:19.468 at the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, and my beloved mascot. 00:39:19.778 --> 00:39:24.438 And every one of these roles was shaped by the different challenges within that 00:39:24.438 --> 00:39:28.028 family dynamic, the negative family dynamic, but they tell a story of 00:39:28.028 --> 00:39:33.018 survival, of adaptation, of resilience, of the human spirit, the things that movies 00:39:33.018 --> 00:39:34.788 are made of, so you got that enabler. 00:39:35.138 --> 00:39:39.278 The family's unseen backbone and taking on burdens way too heavy for their shoulders, 00:39:39.278 --> 00:39:40.318 especially when they're really young. 00:39:40.578 --> 00:39:43.628 The hero shining brightly on the surface, also known as the golden 00:39:43.628 --> 00:39:48.318 child, but they're masking deeper struggles within primarily themselves. 00:39:48.708 --> 00:39:51.188 You got that scapegoat labeled as the troublemaker bearing 00:39:51.188 --> 00:39:52.753 the family's unspoken truths. 00:39:53.133 --> 00:39:54.423 And, uh, The Lost Child. 00:39:54.483 --> 00:39:57.453 That was one that I haven't spent a lot of time with, but there they are, 00:39:57.613 --> 00:40:00.943 because they're hidden in plain sight, navigating this world of solitude 00:40:00.943 --> 00:40:04.793 and unfortunately, unspoken dreams, but they can heal later on in life. 00:40:05.353 --> 00:40:09.763 And The Mascot, the family's beacon of light and laughter, but meanwhile, 00:40:09.793 --> 00:40:13.828 veiling their own pain behind this, hopefully, If they're at least 00:40:13.848 --> 00:40:15.448 kind of funny, humorous facade. 00:40:16.388 --> 00:40:18.898 And and I want to say this too, there's something that I've 00:40:18.908 --> 00:40:22.298 thought about a lot and I just want to go on a train of thought. 00:40:22.728 --> 00:40:25.318 It's you know, when you hear those moments where you hear 00:40:25.318 --> 00:40:28.478 something or you say something and it really resonates with you. 00:40:28.698 --> 00:40:32.448 And in that moment, in an instant, I think that it really, we mean it, whatever 00:40:32.448 --> 00:40:35.878 we're saying, okay, man, that, that clicked, I want to do something different. 00:40:36.128 --> 00:40:37.608 And we feel this rush of motivation. 00:40:37.668 --> 00:40:40.768 It's like this deep desire to change and to be better and to do better. 00:40:40.768 --> 00:40:45.748 But here's the thing, honestly the real challenge starts later. 00:40:45.828 --> 00:40:49.948 And maybe it's later today after you hear this episode, maybe it's the next morning 00:40:49.948 --> 00:40:51.228 when you wake up because that's when. 00:40:51.668 --> 00:40:54.088 The routine of our daily lives kicks back in. 00:40:54.238 --> 00:40:56.828 It's like our brains are on autopilot, and they start following the same 00:40:56.828 --> 00:40:58.388 old patterns and paths they used to. 00:40:58.968 --> 00:41:03.088 So don't get me wrong, I really think that we genuinely all want to change, 00:41:03.088 --> 00:41:07.908 to grow, but our brains are stubborn, and they're comfy in their habits and 00:41:07.908 --> 00:41:10.648 they like doing things the way that they've always been done, and I think so 00:41:10.648 --> 00:41:12.298 much of it is just done subconsciously. 00:41:12.748 --> 00:41:15.738 So that's why if you, if you really want to make a change, then you have 00:41:15.738 --> 00:41:16.878 to be pretty intentional about it. 00:41:17.393 --> 00:41:19.873 And it's not going to happen just because you want it to. 00:41:20.343 --> 00:41:23.493 So you may be hearing something today and you have this awareness and you've 00:41:23.493 --> 00:41:25.863 identified, okay, I need to do something. 00:41:25.913 --> 00:41:26.843 I got to take action. 00:41:26.873 --> 00:41:29.103 Maybe you're feeling that spark of inspiration from what you've 00:41:29.103 --> 00:41:30.053 heard on the podcast today. 00:41:30.053 --> 00:41:32.453 And that is great, but that's just a starting point. 00:41:32.593 --> 00:41:35.583 Now it's better than staying in the dark, but now comes your part. 00:41:35.973 --> 00:41:40.993 It's your chance to start reshaping those well trodden, deeply rutted 00:41:40.993 --> 00:41:42.363 neural pathways in your brain. 00:41:42.783 --> 00:41:44.523 And how might you ask? 00:41:45.223 --> 00:41:49.623 It's by doing by taking action and literally any action that aligns with 00:41:49.623 --> 00:41:53.853 like with what's been stirred up inside of you today Doesn't even have to be 00:41:53.863 --> 00:41:56.913 a big leap start small write something down that struck a chord with you 00:41:57.843 --> 00:42:02.393 Maybe it's even just starting to Google Therapist near me or go on psychology 00:42:02.393 --> 00:42:06.353 today and look Jada reminder in your phone's notes app, you know, if you 00:42:06.353 --> 00:42:11.573 resonate with someone then reach out to them Send yourself a text message. 00:42:11.573 --> 00:42:14.948 Just maybe just do one thing Just do one thing a little differently 00:42:15.258 --> 00:42:19.498 because it really is the small things that then gradually shift 00:42:19.528 --> 00:42:22.358 that internal landscape of your mind and what it feels like to be you. 00:42:22.968 --> 00:42:27.528 And, but man, remember, change does not have to wait for the perfect time. 00:42:27.538 --> 00:42:30.078 The time when you think that you'll have more resources or more stability 00:42:30.078 --> 00:42:31.328 or more freedom or more time. 00:42:31.818 --> 00:42:32.798 I'm so guilty of that one. 00:42:33.078 --> 00:42:36.358 It doesn't have to be when, when things are just right, then I will. 00:42:36.448 --> 00:42:37.608 You have to do the things. 00:42:37.783 --> 00:42:39.783 cliche warning, the perfect time is now. 00:42:39.993 --> 00:42:40.663 This very moment. 00:42:41.043 --> 00:42:45.063 You have the power to start thinking and acting and being someone new. 00:42:45.383 --> 00:42:47.313 Starting literally like right now. 00:42:47.503 --> 00:42:49.813 Write something down, text yourself, reach out to somebody. 00:42:50.173 --> 00:42:51.703 Let us not wait for some day. 00:42:51.963 --> 00:42:53.383 Some day can literally be today. 00:42:53.403 --> 00:42:54.283 It doesn't have to be Monday. 00:42:54.293 --> 00:42:57.353 It doesn't have to be The start of next month, even though this 00:42:57.353 --> 00:42:59.723 is literally going out on the last day of the month of January. 00:42:59.983 --> 00:43:01.233 So, okay, I'll give you one pass. 00:43:01.273 --> 00:43:02.653 You can start on February 1st. 00:43:03.453 --> 00:43:06.533 But a couple of takeaways that I did jot down, and it is that 00:43:06.533 --> 00:43:07.753 importance of self recognition. 00:43:07.753 --> 00:43:10.963 So whether you identify with one of these roles or recognize them in somebody that 00:43:10.963 --> 00:43:15.183 you know, or you're a parent in a family dynamic and you all recognize those 00:43:15.183 --> 00:43:18.583 roles, but also maybe you're in that relationship with someone emotionally 00:43:18.583 --> 00:43:21.573 immature and you can recognize, man, we're creating these roles. 00:43:22.343 --> 00:43:24.133 Understanding the dynamics is. 00:43:24.453 --> 00:43:27.483 Is crucial because it's about acknowledging the coping mechanisms 00:43:27.483 --> 00:43:30.583 we develop in response to our environment and then how they shape 00:43:30.583 --> 00:43:33.543 the interactions that we have with others, our views of ourselves. 00:43:33.983 --> 00:43:37.673 So it is okay to just start by reflecting on your own family dynamic. 00:43:37.673 --> 00:43:39.803 Do any of these roles are, where do you fit in? 00:43:39.823 --> 00:43:41.263 What do you resonate with the most? 00:43:42.163 --> 00:43:43.623 Just even journal your thoughts. 00:43:43.653 --> 00:43:46.453 That can be a real powerful tool for self discovery. 00:43:46.473 --> 00:43:50.503 It helps to write things down and get them out of just the kind of the crazy 00:43:50.503 --> 00:43:52.043 making that can happen in our own minds. 00:43:52.333 --> 00:43:55.943 And then if you see these patterns in your own life, give it a 00:43:55.943 --> 00:43:57.213 thought, reach out to a therapist. 00:43:58.013 --> 00:44:02.283 There we can provide a real safe place to unpack these roles and then explore 00:44:02.413 --> 00:44:03.923 the impact they have on your own life. 00:44:04.503 --> 00:44:08.033 And and then one more takeaway the journey toward healing and 00:44:08.033 --> 00:44:12.033 change, because again, recognizing the roles, just the first step. 00:44:12.603 --> 00:44:16.123 It really involves redefining our own identity and our relationships beyond 00:44:16.123 --> 00:44:19.703 these roles and know that most likely if you're in a unhealthy relationship or 00:44:19.713 --> 00:44:23.688 emotionally immature relationship, as you start to change, There will be pushback. 00:44:24.238 --> 00:44:26.308 I like to say that means you're doing it right. 00:44:27.048 --> 00:44:30.428 So just remember that it doesn't happen overnight. 00:44:30.448 --> 00:44:31.328 It really doesn't change. 00:44:31.328 --> 00:44:31.988 Doesn't happen overnight. 00:44:31.988 --> 00:44:35.038 Be patient, compassionate with yourself throughout this process. 00:44:35.158 --> 00:44:38.038 Seek support groups, communities where you can share your experiences, learn 00:44:38.038 --> 00:44:41.698 from others who have walked in similar paths, there is some safety and comfort 00:44:41.708 --> 00:44:45.928 in numbers, and there's almost nothing better initially than feeling heard 00:44:45.938 --> 00:44:47.588 and seen and validated and understood. 00:44:48.148 --> 00:44:51.408 Remember that the, and the roles that we play in our families are 00:44:51.448 --> 00:44:54.658 absolutely not the sum total of who we are because they're just, they're 00:44:54.658 --> 00:44:56.098 parts, the parts of the story. 00:44:56.128 --> 00:44:57.128 They're parts of who you are. 00:44:57.148 --> 00:45:00.948 They don't define the entire narrative or you as a complete human being. 00:45:01.448 --> 00:45:04.588 And there's such power in understanding those roles, but even more, I'm not 00:45:04.588 --> 00:45:06.478 going to lie in transcending them. 00:45:06.728 --> 00:45:11.418 And as a recovering, emotionally immature, anxiously attached person, I was going to 00:45:11.418 --> 00:45:15.658 say also ADHD, but since when you recover from you embrace and it's, it's awesome. 00:45:16.198 --> 00:45:19.958 Transcending these stories they allow you to write your own new 00:45:19.958 --> 00:45:21.408 narrative on your own terms. 00:45:21.408 --> 00:45:23.918 And I cannot even stress how empowering that is. 00:45:24.448 --> 00:45:26.888 So thanks for joining me today on waking up to narcissism. 00:45:27.328 --> 00:45:30.378 Until next time, I I hope you will continue to explore and be 00:45:30.378 --> 00:45:34.468 curious and question and most important, just keep on growing. 00:45:34.788 --> 00:45:35.578 We'll see you next week.