Music.
Hey everybody, welcome to episode 87 of Waking Up to Narcissism. I'm your host, Tony Overbay.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified mindful habit coach, writer, speaker,
husband, father of four, and also host of the Virtual Couch podcast, as well as Murder
on the Couch, The Mind Mirror and Me, and soon an ADHD podcast with my good friend,
author and speaker, Julie Lee. So do me a favor and go sign up for the newsletter because
that is where you're going to find out everything. There should be a link tree link in the show
notes or you can just go to TonyOverBay.com and sign up there. And if you have questions
and comments and thoughts and stories and poems or want to be involved in one of the
private Facebook groups for men or women, please reach out to me. I would love to get
you connected there as well. But let's get into today's episode.
So let's start with a story and this is a true story, not even just a based off of a
true story. This is a true story, but I have changed the name of the person, but they had
reached out and we will call her Amelia. So Amelia had always been, she liked to consider
herself a seeker, somebody who believed that every obstacle and every encounter was an
opportunity for growth. And she had a relationship and we'll call the guy Mark. Mark, she met
during a work seminar and he seemed to be no different. Mark was charismatic and he
captured the attention of anybody within his proximity. So to Amelia, Mark was not just
a romantic interest, but she also felt like he was a little bit of a puzzle.
Somebody that had just these depths that she believed that she could navigate and understand, but in the process that she could also grow with.
Because she truly had grown up not knowing what a real healthy relationship looked like.
So as the months turned into years, Amelia found herself in this ever demanding
course of what she started to look at as differentiation class 101, because she,
She felt like Mark's charm, because she felt like Mark's charm often veered into manipulation,
and sometimes she felt like his confidence got a little bit too egotistical, and there
she started to Google the word narcissism.
But each interaction felt like a little bit of a tightrope walk for Amelia.
So she was trying to maintain her individuality without succumbing to Mark's very strong emotional currents.
And Amelia is a very intelligent person. She had the degrees to back up that concept.
Had the degrees to back it up.
And so Amelia really said, I can take every episode as a lesson. So when Mark would then
start to deflect blame onto her, then she would pause and think, okay, all right,
it's fair enough. Why do I feel guilty? Because I didn't do anything wrong or what part of me
needs healing to not be swayed by these accusations from Mark. So she started to
see all these moments as true opportunities to test her concepts of differentiation.
And she believed that if she could master this relationship, then she will have grown leaps and
in bounds personally, and she would in essence lead Mark into emotional safety and they would live happily ever after.
But however, as she started to dive deeper and she started a journey into therapy,
and started to look into self-awareness, then there was another little voice that started to whisper,
almost imperceptibly at first.
And it really was her gut instinct, her visceral reaction.
And it was starting to nudge her to recognize the difference between challenging growth and what she started
to identify as self-preservation.
So sure, every encounter with Mark taught her something.
What was the cost? So late one evening after another one of their heated arguments where
Mark had twisted her words, Amelia sat in this dimly lit living room and she was trying to look
at herself and she had heard in the podcast, waking up to narcissism, here's an opportunity
to self-confront, introspect, and grow. And she said it dawned on her that while she was chasing
growth, that she was also ignoring the loud, clear alarms that her instincts were ringing,
Every time that she would justify Mark's behavior as a lesson, she was starting to sideline her own well-being.
And so this realization, she said it felt very sharp and very unsettling.
Could she have been using this idea of personal growth to avoid admitting that she might be in an unhealthy relationship?
And so she was on this balance of growth and well-being, and well-being and growth.
Growth and she felt like she was almost on this teeter-totter and it almost got
into a rhythm which she thought was good or is it good but just because she was
learning and evolving didn't mean that she was in a situation that was,
ultimately beneficial or safe for her. So the struggle to differentiate herself
from Mark's emotional immaturity had become the primary focus so much that,
she started feeling like she missed seeing the overall picture and she really was starting to lose herself. So then she said she felt like with a heavy
heart, she realized that growth is not just about learning through challenges, but also
about recognizing and how to listen to her own body. In essence, that body-keeps-the-score
concept. And that might even mean when to step away. Trusting one's gut, she concluded,
is as much a part of personal development as any lesson a challenging situation could
provide. And she said it wasn't an overnight decision, but eventually, she decided to choose
her well-being over the exhaustive, never-ending lessons that her relationship with Mark presented.
So she embraced this understanding that while growth is absolutely essential, that it couldn't
come at the expense of her peace, her safety, and then her overall intrinsic worth.
So, with that start, let me just say that I did an episode on the virtual couch a week
or two ago about this concept of differentiation, and it has been very well received, but I,
also know that it can be hard to look at every exchange with somebody who is manipulative
or emotionally immature or even narcissistic as these opportunities for growth, when our,
body is also in the process of trying to simultaneously fire off warning bells as well as protect
yourself and those around you and try to make sense of things that you thought made sense
and now you're learning they maybe don't make sense and P.S. I also hear the phrase
I'm just exhausted more in the context of people that are in emotionally immature relationships
than those who are coming in simply trying to learn how to communicate better.
So I think it often is the brain's way this emotional exhaustion to just say let me just,
get a little rest because maybe this will help me make sense of things and I will stand
up for myself tomorrow. Or I will give my spouse or my partner that aha moment tomorrow
after I get a good night's rest. What I want to do first is give a quick explanation
on the concepts of what differentiation really is. Because it's a psychology buzzword
for sure, but it's also a superpower. So my goal today is going to be that if anything,
by the end of this episode, that you are going to have a much clearer understanding of what,
what it really does mean to be differentiated, even if it is something that you don't feel
like you can reach in your current relationship.
Or let me give you multiple versions of...
Okay, so I'm going to share some content from the Virtual Couch episode on differentiation.
And let me just say that one of the things that I used to joke about
when I very first started podcasting seven or eight years ago
and then I doubled down on with the publication of my first book, which was about three or four years ago,
was that I would never be the person
who would someday quote themselves.
I felt like that was extremely, extremely pretentious.
I feel like, oh, the ego necessary for that, right?
Anyway, let me turn to the transcript from the virtual couch episode and tell you what I said,
because doggone it, it was just so good.
And I truly hope that you are recognizing sarcasm and irony and just humor in general.
So let's just say that I am quoting a podcast differentiation that may then in fact be by me. So Bowen's differentiation of
self-theory revolves around the idea that individuals vary in their ability
to distinguish between their own thoughts and feelings and those of
others. So those with higher levels of differentiation can better maintain their individuality even in the face of external pressure, but they can still be
connected and emotionally available to others. So what does that mean?
It means that every encounter that we have, every word exchanged or emotion felt in response to
another, and it doesn't just mean another person, it means an interact, it can mean a movie that
you watch, it can mean an interaction that you have, it can mean anything is an opportunity to
be this mirror reflecting aspects of ourselves. So, these reactions often, they can offer this
invaluable insight into our internal landscape of our minds or what it feels like to be us. And then
And by examining those, then we start to open up these pathways for personal growth.
So if I even dig down even more, let's simplify that even more, Bowen's theory is basically
like this, that some people are really good at knowing their own feelings and thoughts.
Separate from what others feel or think.
And when they're good at this, then they get to be themselves, even if there's peer pressure.
But they can also connect and be there emotionally for others.
Let me give a couple of examples.
So honestly, I feel like this is one of those things that you're talking about when I'm
giving a talk to a bunch of teenagers, but I run into this with adults a lot.
You and your friends are at a party. And again, I'm not talking about your teenager friends.
I'm talking to the adults listening because I get to hear all kinds of stories, but you're
out with your friends and you don't want to drink, or there may even be some drugs being
passed around and your friends want you to.
So you either have a history of drinking and you're trying to move past it, or maybe you
You don't drink period, but the peer pressure doesn't necessarily wane when you're older.
So you're out with friends, but you don't want to feel left out.
So remembering that you are now hearing about differentiation and about being true to oneself,
you decide it is time to be honest.
So you say something like, Hey guys, I am really not wanting to drink.
I can be the designated driver, but then your friends say, that's what Uber is for.
So don't let us down.
We don't get out very much. It'll only be this one time and all of those types of responses.
From a differentiated place, you see this as an opportunity for growth. This is an
opportunity to start to hold a boundary without even having to get angry at
somebody or beat yourself up so it really is that no I'm good you guys you do you.
And then your friends can still look surprised and then shrug, okay, you're missing out.
But then you are able to stand in that healthy ego, that confidence and say, well, maybe so,
but that's a me thing. You guys have fun. And then you pull out your phone and you film them
and make fun of them together the next day. And I'm kidding with that. But even though
you are deciding to be different from your group, you can still feel connected,
and you can joke with them. And you can take that concept into any experience,
Whether it's a bunch of your friends want to go see a scary movie and you just really do not want to be scared.
But in that story before, you are showing differentiation because you know your own feelings.
And then you have the courage to express them even if your friends feel differently.
And you can still stay connected and on good terms with them.
Now, not being differentiated is, again, you do not want to drink.
But you fall to peer pressure and we do that even as adults.
And then the message that you're sending is that if you are pushed enough,
then you'll relax on your boundaries.
And even if you are saying, well, I won't do it again, this is the last time, that may just be a way
to get you out of that discomfort of that moment.
But once you get out of that discomfort, are you doing that work to make sure
that it doesn't happen again the next time? For the remainder of the night, then you may feel guilty,
you may feel some shame and eventually drink maybe even way too much to try to not feel those feelings
and then beat yourself up the next day.
And which for the record, I'm still saying I'm no fan of shame.
That's still not a way to handle the situation.
But if we're sticking to the concepts of differentiation, I think you can see where I'm going.
So in that version, then you've suppressed your true feelings and you go along with the group.
And it illustrates a lack of differentiation. And I work with that in my office,
I will say on a daily basis.
The people are unable to express their individuality and instead they merge with the desires
and feelings of friends and others.
So that concept again of differentiation is where one person ends and the other begins.
And I often like to say that in the middle of that, that place where differentiation resides
is a lot of invalidation.
Because a lot of times we find ourselves in these friendships and relationships with people
that do want you to be their emotional support animal.
So they are just asking you to come along with them so that they have someone there to validate them.
But are they really respecting you or getting to know you if they're trying to push your boundaries?
Because I will maintain that is not the greatest example of a friend.
So somebody that respects your boundaries, then that means that they too are differentiated.
And those friendships can just seem a lot easier. And this is where I like to say
that friendships and relationships really don't need to be as difficult as they often feel.
And the reason why they will feel difficult is because you may often be asked
to overlook your boundaries, give up your boundaries so that someone else can have somebody there
to validate what they are going through,
where that really is more of a them issue.
Or let's give a couple of examples and these are based off of real stories where a husband
needs to be differentiated from his wife. We'll call this couple Mark and Lisa and they've been
married for several years. So over time Mark has recognized Lisa's emotional immaturity
and often reacting to situations impulsively without considering Mark's feelings or the.
Ramifications of her actions. So one evening Lisa returns home and she has impulsively purchased
a lot of things expensive handbag just a lot of things without running it by mark and not in the
controlling running it by mark but they are trying to shore up their spending so feeling concerned
about their tight financial situation then mark takes a deep breath and instead of reacting
angrily he calmly says hey i really understand that you like this bag and that there are these
things that you really felt you needed but i truly wish we could have discussed this first
because as we have tried to discuss we have other priorities right now and then lisa immediately
and defensively snaps back, you always make me feel guilty about spending. And then Mark remaining
composed says, hey, I am truly not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just trying to express my
concern about our finances. And I would love it if we could sit down together and go over our budget.
So that would be the differentiated version. Now, in reality, the Mark in this situation,
said that unfortunately, when he saw the expensive handbag, he really said, are you serious? Why
would you do this? You don't even think about the conversations we had an hour ago. So then
then she felt attacked and she said,
you are always so controlling about how I spend
and it's my money too.
And now even more upset than Mark says, you don't even think about us or our future,
you only think about yourself.
And you can only imagine that argument escalated and neither person felt heard, and they both felt attacked.
So, in that first scenario, that is Mark's differentiation, and that allows him to communicate
his feelings without attacking Lisa or overly reacting to her impulsivity.
So then he maintains his individuality, expresses his concerns without getting swept up in the
emotional whirlwind, but in that second scenario, his lack of differentiation results in him
reacting very impulsively and emotionally, which is really mirroring Lisa's emotional immaturity herself.
And we could probably even add a third scenario where Mark simply doesn't say a thing because
he's already sure or he believes where the conversation is going to go. But then
by stuffing his feelings, he's either going to eventually explode, lose his
sense of self, look for validation outside of the marriage, or quite frankly
start to exhibit a decline in his health. Because at some point his own body is
saying, Mark, bro, you can't keep doing this. What do we have to do? We'll throw
some chronic pain, maybe a little irritable bowel syndrome your way. Maybe,
if you're afraid of having an accident in the chip aisle of a Walmart, you might
actually do something different in your relationship. So this concept of differentiation is actually
something that is necessary for one's own health. So relating these concepts about Bowen's
theory of self-differentiation, I think we can deduce then there's a few things, and
this is again coming from the virtual couch episode, that our reactions are indicators.
So when we react to something that somebody has said, it's not just about that individual
or their words. It's about our own internalized values or our beliefs or our emotional patterns.
So if you have a strong reaction, whether it's positive or negative, then that can be an
indication of areas where we may have a lower level of differentiation. So for example, if we
find ourselves excessively upset or anxious about somebody's opinion, then it probably suggests that
we are pretty enmeshed in or we are fused with the emotional states of others. That we really
do feel like we have to caretake them or that we are just we're responsible for someone else or
we can deduce that these these opportunities for growth they really are ways that we can become
more differentiated a better human being because recognizing that these reactions provide us with
a unique opportunity to look introspectively then now we can start to look at everything as
an opportunity to grow so why did that comment affect us so deeply what does this tell us about
our own beliefs or values or unresolved emotions. Because if you can dive into
those questions, then that can aid in your own journey of self-differentiation.
And as you learn to understand and separate your emotional response from the person that's delivering it or whatever that external stimuli is, that.
Is when you can start to feel empowered and truly look at everything as an opportunity to grow and I will keep going back to that concept.
And it becomes this eventual state of being where when you recognize this is the very
first time that you're going through life as you in that situation, and that there is
nothing wrong with you, you are not broken, you're a human, and then you can step back,
and say, check this out, here's my reaction.
Now I can look at that reaction with curiosity and say, why did I react?
Is this something that I feel that I need to prove? Is this something, someone that I feel I need to fix or save?
Or did that person, did that button hit me hard because this brings back some childhood experience?
So things truly do become a way for you to look and grow because ultimately you are only
in charge of your own thoughts and feelings and emotions.
These concepts can also enhance this self-differentiation. So by consistently reflecting on our reactions and using them as tools for introspection,
we can start to work toward increasing this level of self-differentiation.
And so then it doesn't only help with your own personal growth, but you'll also see it
start to bleed into fostering healthier relationships because you can remain emotionally connected
without becoming overwhelmed or unduly influenced by the emotions and thoughts and feelings of others.
So as every interaction continues to serve as a potential growth point, then there are
these moments that can really spotlight where you're at, what your level of self-differentiation
is in certain situations and with certain people.
You can start to put those clues together and it's like solving your own puzzle. Here's a concept that I really want to get down solid in today's
episode, and it is again quoting the differentiation episode from the virtual couch, but I've cleaned up the quote and I've added a little bit to it
as well. So imagine every time somebody says or does something and you react, you
get mad, happy, or upset, that it really is like getting a pop quiz about yourself. Why did you feel that way? What is it saying about you?
So if we go back to then Bowen, this father of differentiation, talks about the idea that we need to learn the difference between what we feel and think and what others feel and think.
And the better we get at this, the better we handle drama, stay calm and steady, and become more consistent.
So when things go down in life, and inevitably it will, things will go down, and you feel some type of way, you get all up in your feelings, that it really is like life's way of giving you hints about who you are.
And differentiation does not mean that you don't care about other people's feelings or thoughts.
It just means that you can tell the difference between theirs and your own. So it's about
balancing your individuality with your connection to others. And it means recognizing what emotions
and thoughts are truly yours versus which ones you're feeling because of somebody else's influence,
and their manipulation, maybe their emotional immaturity, or just simply their expectations.
So, let's now start to shift into maybe what would be the real meat of this episode on this podcast, Waking Up to Narcissism, and that would be the asterisk of, but what about emotional immaturity and potential personality disorders?
How does that play into this role of differentiation when someone else on the other side of the relationship is being emotionally manipulative or narcissistic?
So I think we can even make an argument of why differentiation, or again the ability to maintain one's own sense of self while being emotionally connected to others, is especially important when interacting with emotionally immature or narcissistic individuals. And here's why.
So let's start with emotional immaturity and enmeshment. So emotionally immature individuals often have a really hard time recognizing boundaries.
So they may be prone to emotional outbursts, they act impulsively and make everything about themselves.
Themselves. If you are not well differentiated then it's easy to become enmeshed in their world. And enmeshment again means that you become so deeply
involved in their emotional state that it's hard to tell where their feelings
end and yours begin. So differentiation helps you recognize and maintain your
own boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. And I tried to come up with some narratives and these are all going to be based off of a
combination of clients or examples or emails that have come in. Let's let's
talk about someone, we'll call her Sarah.
So remember when I'm saying that life throws these pop quizzes, so Sarah gets her quiz
when Jane, her close friend, would freak out over just the tiniest little things.
So instead of just instinctively trying to pacify Jane, then Sarah has to pause and say,
"'Why do I feel like I need to calm her storm?' And she realizes that she's blurring this line
between being supportive and then absorbing or taking on Jane's emotions.
And that's when she learns that she can be there for her friend without losing herself in the process.
So that would be this lesson learned about enmeshment.
And let me just make the note that it can be very difficult because we've identified, I think, a lot on the podcast,
that a lot of times the more pathologically kind person finds themselves in that human magnet syndrome
with the more emotionally immature, narcissistic individual.
And a lot of times the pathologically kind people are on that chart of highly sensitive.
So a highly sensitive person. So that enmeshment can just start to feel overwhelming. And so then
the person in this scenario, Sarah, when she's reacting to Jane's moods and her fits and her
emotional storms, that then it can even be about Sarah's need to try to or desire to get rid of
that emotional discomfort by trying to go and soothe or pacify or take care of Jane. But that.
That is part of that process of becoming enmeshed.
So when you are starting to step out of enmeshment, unfortunately, in this scenario,
Jane is not gonna say, man, I see what you're doing there, Sarah, and good for you.
You need to be your own individual self. No, Sarah and Jane are probably friends at this point
because Sarah does go in and try to calm Jane's emotional storm.
And when Sarah does that, Jane's off to the next thing.
And when she has another emotional outburst, then what does she do?
She instinctively runs to Sarah because Sarah will try and fix or take the blame for, or just...
Be become so enmeshed with Jane that then Jane again feels better and that pattern just continues,
another reason why this is so important is the just the concept of narcissistic manipulation because narcissistic individuals or,
Incredibly emotionally mature individuals by nature are manipulators. So they often use tactics like gaslighting
So making you question your own reality or even things like emotional blackmail to get what they want,
So, a well-differentiated person is more resilient against these tactics because by having a strong sense of self,
then you are less likely to be swayed by the narcissist or the emotionally immature person's manipulation,
or to start doubting your own perceptions and feelings.
And so, that becomes very, very important from a concept of differentiation,
is to really discover and trust who you are as a person, because then you won't be as likely to then fall back into that enmeshment or manipulation.
I think this one comes maybe from more of the workforce, but let's say a person named Mike,
and then every time his business partner Alex turns a conversation around, he will make Mike feel guilty.
And that was Mike's pop quiz moment. So he began to step back and wonder, why do I always end up feeling like the bad guy?
So the reflection helps Mike understand the mind games at play.
And he learned that he had the right to speak up without being manipulated.
That is differentiation, but again back to this concept with emotional immaturity, that doesn't mean that Alex, his business partner, is going to have
the aha moment, but that's Mike's opportunity to recognize that as he becomes differentiated, that he deserves to have his own thoughts, feelings, and
emotions.
Another reason why this is so important with emotionally immature narcissistic individuals is just the concepts of self-preservation and being authentic.
Because interacting with emotionally immature or narcissistic people can be incredibly draining.
And differentiation allows you to prioritize your needs and your own well-being over that of the emotionally immature.
It does not mean shutting yourself out from the other person.
But it means being true to your own feelings and your beliefs and your boundaries,
even, I almost wanna say not if, but when the other person disapproves or tries to push them
because those boundaries become a challenge to the emotionally immature.
I've jotted down a note of, it's a person named Emma, and it's another kind of a classic pop quiz moment.
Every time her brother criticized her, instead of automatically second-guessing herself,
she said, okay, why does this opinion make me doubt my choices?
And so that introspection taught Emma to value her judgment and make decisions,
felt authentic even if she didn't get her family seal of approval. So at first
that was again I hope you can see that the differentiation piece is being able
to move from I need someone's opinion or I need their validation to then,
recognizing that I can trust myself and that I can step away from needing somebody's seal of approval in order to take action on the things that really
matter to me. Another concept will be avoiding the role of the enabler. So without proper differentiation it's really easy to fall into the role of the
enabler. And so this means that you might even start to unconsciously support or
cover up for the emotionally immature or narcissistic person's poor behavior. So
differentiation helps you recognize and break out of that dynamic because it will
ensure that you don't contribute to the continuation of these unhealthy patterns.
Let's talk about somebody named Jake. Every time that he instinctively reaches for
his wallet, when his friend Leo starts coming up with a sob story, it's handing
Jake this pop quiz, why am I always bailing him out?
And then Jake had to really look inward and he realized his generosity was being taken for granted.
And that insight was all he needed to start setting some boundaries and prioritize his well-being.
Again, Leo didn't just say, okay, you're right.
He even amped up the manipulation or the gaslighting.
But the more that Jake was able to sit in that confidence and that discomfort and that invalidation,
then he started recognizing that it was okay for him to not continue to bail Leo out of these situations
that he felt like were, they always came with a sob story.
Another thing, another reason why this is so important is the concept of empowered communication, because differentiation supports open, honest, and assertive communication.
And it allows you to absolutely express your needs, your desires, your boundaries in interactions without fear of retaliation. That's what's so important. Or without the need for approval.
This becomes really crucial when you're dealing with individuals who may not respect or acknowledge your feelings.
I'm thinking of a client, I'm starting to try to jot down the name so I don't reuse one, let's call her Mia.
She had a pop quiz every time she felt the urge to just do chores herself instead of confronting her roommate in college.
And she just said, why am I scared to talk about what's bothering me?
So she had a question and her introspection paved the way for more open communication and voicing her concerns was okay.
And I think back to the role of this going on in an emotionally immature relationship, it does not mean that the roommate said, you're right, I will start pitching in, but it's okay to start expressing your own needs and wants from a differentiated standpoint, because that will be part of this path of growth and learning.
And then one more is this, why this is important
is a grounding reality,
because emotionally immature and narcissistic individuals,
they create a whirlwind of drama.
So a differentiated individual starts to learn to remain grounded in their own reality.
So then they are far less likely to be swept up in the chaos.
And so that clarity helps them make decisions that align with their own values
instead of being reactive to the drama.
And what is so fascinating about this is that that drama is necessary
to the emotionally immature and narcissistic individual.
It basically is the way that they express their sense of self, so then they will find a new supply.
It's what we often talk about, if you just hold steady and remain firm and differentiated.
So, in essence, with that concept, differentiation serves as an emotional and kind of like a psychological anchor.
And it grounds you in your own sense of self, even amid, we'll call it a tumultuous sea of emotionally charged interactions.
So then it allows you for having healthier relationships and interactions, especially when you're navigating
this terrain of the emotionally immature narcissistic personality types.
Because the more you become differentiated, and I can't stress this enough,
then you are not as much of a target
for the emotionally immature narcissist because they need that drama, they need that conflict,
they need that dust up in order to survive.
So then as you become differentiated, then you're either going to see that person change,
the relationship change, or you have now recognized that you are in a position
you deserve a better relationship.
So let's talk about emotions and thoughts. Have you ever been told then you are being too emotional or advised to use your brain, not just your feelings?
Because it is a common belief that emotions are these messy, inconvenient things that get in the way of making rational decisions.
But there is a twist in the story because our brains are designed in this amazing way where emotions actually are the things that take the lead.
So imagine that you're in a video game and there is a character who is very fast and he dashes ahead of everybody else.
Yeah, he has rockets on his shoes. That's, that's kind of this metaphor for our emotions because they are always first to the scene.
Then there's another character, a bit more relaxed, always strategizing, maybe taking in the surroundings.
That's our thinking process because it's thorough and it's analytical.
And speaking of which, let me tell a quick story about Jasmine.
We'll call her Jasmine.
So she is a thinker in every sense of the word. And then among her friends, she, though it was basically known as a classic overthinker,
and she would always pause and analyze situations before making a move.
But she talked about one time going to the beach, and she said she was taken by surprise
when her instincts then just overpowered her usual analytical self.
And she noticed just that it was a kid's ball that was heading out toward the ocean.
So in a heartbeat, she just jumped up, she dashed over, snatched the ball, handed it
back to the relieved child. Everybody's happy.
But she said when she went back and laid it down on her beach towel, she said she found herself pondering,
why did I run so spontaneously without overthinking?
And she said her answer was clear, her emotions. Because in that instant, they were in overdrive, and they guided her before her thoughts had a chance to weigh in.
And she said it actually reminded me of those childhood days when she was told things like,
don't cry, no need to get upset.
Because over the years, she'd learned to mute those instant emotions and lean heavily on her thoughts.
But that day on the beach, she said it was kind of like my wake-up call.
She said, I really don't need to sideline my emotional instincts, but instead I need to blend them harmoniously in with my analytical side.
So that lesson from her experience is that while our emotions are our brain's alert system,
They signal us way before our thought process kicks into gear, but both have an immense amount of value.
And here's the science-y bit that backs it up, so research in the field of neuroscience shows that our emotions and our brain light up about two and a half times faster than our thoughts.
They're kind of like that turbo mode on a car, while our thoughts are more like the cruise control. So what do we do with that? The hope is you can harness the power of both.
So the next time that you are labeled too emotional or you find yourself sidelining your own feelings, remember that there is a beautiful interplay happening in our brains between feeling and thinking.
So when we respect and we understand the synergy,
then that's when we truly start to thrive.
So we embrace this balance of our thoughts and our emotions and that becomes more or less our superpower.
As we wrap things up today, let me pull together these golden threads of the conversation.
So we started, we dove deep into Bowen's differentiation of self-theory,
which is in simple terms, it's about understanding where our thoughts and feelings
and understanding where our thoughts and feelings and where others begin and end.
And I know it sounds simple, but it is a lot harder in practice,
especially when navigating relationships that are emotionally immature or narcissistic.
And so speaking of those relationships, if you find yourself in those relationships
with the incredibly emotionally immature or even narcissistic, then you know
it is a bit of a rocky road, which is a very wonderful ice cream, I'm not gonna lie.
But while deciding whether to stay or leave in such a relationship, understanding differentiation
is, you can see why it's crucial, because it's about carving out your emotional
and mental space even when faced with overwhelming emotions or manipulative tactics.
But here's where it gets tricky. Do you ever get that gut feeling about something, but you can't quite put it into words?
That is your visceral reaction. And it's an instinctive, emotional response.
And it can come from our childhood days. Many of us have been conditioned to push aside those gut feelings.
Don't overreact. You're being too sensitive. It's not that serious.
That stuff starts to sound pretty familiar, right?
So over time, by suppressing those feelings, we are essentially stifling our built-in survival instincts.
And here's the catch, emotions, no matter how deep we bury them, they have a knack for
starting to resurface.
And if we ignore them too long, they can explode in ways that we may not be very happy with. We may even regret.
But remember, amidst all the complexity, this is the beauty of it.
You are the only version of you.
And you've got that blend of your nature and nurture and DNA and abandonment, rejection
of past experiences and dreams and hopes and fears and even past wounds.
But that basically means there is no one else like you. So your journey, with its ups and downs, is exclusively yours.
So no matter where you are right now, as cliched as it is, that is exactly where you need to,
be. So as I sign off, I hope you'll carry forward this understanding and just view every challenge
as this opportunity for growth, even when it's difficult.
But you must treat yourself with kindness and grace and forgiveness.
No matter the tides or the storms of life, I just hope you will believe in this, that
You do have the strength and the wisdom to sail through this.
Just continue to stay curious, even if it's only about yourself and your situations, and
stay strong emotionally.
And if you can't physically, that's going to help too.
But most importantly, start to stay you. Figure out who you are and then continue to beat that amazing, wonderful person.
And if you have questions, thoughts, comments, send them my way and I will see you next time
on waking up to narcissism.
Music.