1
00:00:01,310 --> 00:00:03,001
Welcome to the intoxicated

2
00:00:03,375 --> 00:00:03,875
podcast.

3
00:00:05,043 --> 00:00:07,584
Well, I'm Sherry S, and that was my

4
00:00:07,584 --> 00:00:10,386
husband Matt. We have questions about the impact

5
00:00:10,386 --> 00:00:13,415
of alcohol and addiction on relationships. If you

6
00:00:13,415 --> 00:00:15,407
have those kinds of questions to you're in

7
00:00:15,407 --> 00:00:16,932
the right place, Here we go.

8
00:00:20,183 --> 00:00:21,135
Be afraid.

9
00:00:21,611 --> 00:00:23,118
Be very afraid.

10
00:00:24,164 --> 00:00:24,723
You remember that line?

11
00:00:25,521 --> 00:00:27,117
From a movie? Oh,

12
00:00:27,756 --> 00:00:30,150
kind of I it's definitely familiar. So like

13
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,267
Liam Ne or something?

14
00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:32,145
No.

15
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,359
I don't remember. Listeners help us out. Someone

16
00:00:35,359 --> 00:00:37,679
tell me what Movie that was. Sakes. Just

17
00:00:37,679 --> 00:00:39,519
send an email on it. There's just... Yeah.

18
00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:41,693
That's We're gonna talk a lot about fear

19
00:00:41,693 --> 00:00:42,332
today, Sherry.

20
00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,527
Turns out I'm a petrified person pretty much

21
00:00:45,527 --> 00:00:46,087
all the time.

22
00:00:47,045 --> 00:00:48,730
I didn't realize that till I started thinking

23
00:00:48,730 --> 00:00:48,968
about it,

24
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:53,175
but I'm scary afraid. And you're overthinking about

25
00:00:53,175 --> 00:00:55,891
things? Which makes me think that what people

26
00:00:55,891 --> 00:00:57,960
are really gonna wanna do is get to

27
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:58,358
know us,

28
00:00:59,473 --> 00:01:01,781
you know, old scared cat over here and

29
00:01:01,781 --> 00:01:02,520
miss confidence

30
00:01:03,710 --> 00:01:06,670
and in an effort to help people to

31
00:01:06,670 --> 00:01:09,810
get to know us. We are hosting another

32
00:01:10,349 --> 00:01:12,281
q and A session information and q and

33
00:01:12,361 --> 00:01:14,055
A session about our programs

34
00:01:14,828 --> 00:01:17,374
on August first, this time in the evening,

35
00:01:17,454 --> 00:01:18,568
the first time we did it back in

36
00:01:18,727 --> 00:01:21,131
June It was a morning video call. This

37
00:01:21,131 --> 00:01:22,406
time, we're gonna do it in the evening.

38
00:01:22,884 --> 00:01:24,079
06:30PM

39
00:01:24,079 --> 00:01:25,195
in the Mountain Time zone.

40
00:01:26,071 --> 00:01:28,834
We will talk about shop sobriety. We will

41
00:01:28,954 --> 00:01:31,261
talk about echoes of recovery. We will have

42
00:01:31,261 --> 00:01:33,649
someone from each of those 2 programs on

43
00:01:33,649 --> 00:01:34,683
the video call with us.

44
00:01:35,558 --> 00:01:37,946
Bonus, we're also gonna have a couple on

45
00:01:37,946 --> 00:01:40,663
the call that does the marriage evolution with

46
00:01:40,663 --> 00:01:41,957
us our third program.

47
00:01:42,649 --> 00:01:44,795
And so the purpose of the call will

48
00:01:44,795 --> 00:01:47,622
give a little bit nation. We'll have these

49
00:01:47,761 --> 00:01:50,478
these participants in the programs on to tell

50
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,777
a little bit about why

51
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:52,849
they decided

52
00:01:53,445 --> 00:01:55,590
to spend some time with us and connect

53
00:01:55,590 --> 00:01:58,927
with us. And we'll take questions from our,

54
00:01:59,642 --> 00:02:00,769
video call audience.

55
00:02:01,485 --> 00:02:04,051
The reason that we're doing this is because

56
00:02:04,822 --> 00:02:06,173
there seems to be a little bit of

57
00:02:06,173 --> 00:02:08,637
a barrier between listening to the podcast or

58
00:02:08,637 --> 00:02:10,344
reading our book or our blog

59
00:02:10,957 --> 00:02:15,194
and reaching out and connecting and pursuing possibly,

60
00:02:16,125 --> 00:02:19,161
joining our tribes. And we just love people,

61
00:02:19,478 --> 00:02:21,383
and we love getting to know people and

62
00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:23,129
interacting with people and learning their stories,

63
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:24,740
and

64
00:02:25,192 --> 00:02:26,779
we want to do whatever we can.

65
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:30,778
To eliminate that barrier. And so just a

66
00:02:30,778 --> 00:02:32,293
free, no risk,

67
00:02:33,489 --> 00:02:36,200
hour spent, question, answer style,

68
00:02:36,850 --> 00:02:39,386
seems to be a good way to lower

69
00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:42,238
that barrier of fear that people have. So

70
00:02:42,238 --> 00:02:45,191
if you're considering joining on August first at

71
00:02:45,191 --> 00:02:46,146
06:30PM

72
00:02:46,146 --> 00:02:47,180
in the Mountain time zone,

73
00:02:48,771 --> 00:02:51,728
just send an email to matt at sober

74
00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:53,237
and una shane dot com,

75
00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:55,936
and I will send you a link, a

76
00:02:55,936 --> 00:02:58,397
zoom link for that video call. You can

77
00:02:58,397 --> 00:03:00,479
use an alias. You don't have to turn

78
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:02,319
your camera on. You don't have to turn

79
00:03:02,319 --> 00:03:04,560
your video on and we will never repurpose

80
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,120
that email.

81
00:03:05,759 --> 00:03:07,599
We won't follow up later and be like,

82
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:08,479
hey, what'd you think?

83
00:03:09,214 --> 00:03:10,570
What do you say? You gonna join us?

84
00:03:10,809 --> 00:03:14,080
Like, nothing cheesy and slimy like that. Just

85
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,632
a 1 time email to get that link,

86
00:03:16,871 --> 00:03:19,359
and you can participate at whatever level you'd

87
00:03:19,359 --> 00:03:21,934
like, you can jump in and ask questions

88
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,510
or you can sit listen to the questions

89
00:03:23,510 --> 00:03:23,909
of others.

90
00:03:25,266 --> 00:03:27,341
But it it really is it is all

91
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:27,841
about

92
00:03:28,474 --> 00:03:29,995
bridging that gap between...

93
00:03:30,555 --> 00:03:32,974
I'm an avid podcast listener, and

94
00:03:33,435 --> 00:03:35,534
I actually wanna connect with these people

95
00:03:35,929 --> 00:03:38,553
and trying to eliminate some of that natural

96
00:03:38,553 --> 00:03:39,745
fear that takes place.

97
00:03:41,494 --> 00:03:43,164
What do you think, Sherry? I think it's

98
00:03:43,164 --> 00:03:43,800
a great idea.

99
00:03:44,530 --> 00:03:45,960
And I had fun in June doing it,

100
00:03:46,119 --> 00:03:46,619
and

101
00:03:47,151 --> 00:03:48,819
I look forward to doing it in August.

102
00:03:49,216 --> 00:03:53,346
Okay. Great. August first. August first. Yeah. 06:30PM

103
00:03:53,346 --> 00:03:56,388
out which would be 08:30 eastern, 07:30 central

104
00:03:56,388 --> 00:03:57,503
and 05:30

105
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:58,299
on the West Coast.

106
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:01,522
Great. So

107
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:06,352
that little promotion is about eliminating fear. I

108
00:04:06,352 --> 00:04:09,155
wanna talk about when of my many personal

109
00:04:09,155 --> 00:04:09,655
fears

110
00:04:10,272 --> 00:04:14,180
as we promote once again, our alcoholic intimacy

111
00:04:14,180 --> 00:04:15,456
survey. If you are the loved 1 of

112
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,174
an alcoholic,

113
00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:17,631
and

114
00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:20,341
you would be willing to take our survey

115
00:04:20,341 --> 00:04:23,159
about intimacy in your relationship. Please go to

116
00:04:23,218 --> 00:04:25,876
alcoholic intimacy survey dot org

117
00:04:26,509 --> 00:04:28,423
We've had the survey open for several months

118
00:04:28,423 --> 00:04:30,358
now. The end is near

119
00:04:31,054 --> 00:04:32,011
because pretty soon,

120
00:04:33,047 --> 00:04:35,200
it'll be time to analyze the data, and

121
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,176
we'd really love to get a few more

122
00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:38,969
survey

123
00:04:39,659 --> 00:04:40,056
responses.

124
00:04:40,532 --> 00:04:42,674
Okay. Here's here's where my fear comes in.

125
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,756
Here's what I would normally say.

126
00:04:45,393 --> 00:04:47,863
I would say things like gosh. We're really

127
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,935
close to a really big milestone as far

128
00:04:49,935 --> 00:04:52,405
as number of responses is concerned. I would

129
00:04:52,405 --> 00:04:53,735
say that or I would say things like

130
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,894
We have received 3 times the number of

131
00:04:56,894 --> 00:04:58,654
responses we initially expected.

132
00:04:59,454 --> 00:05:01,350
Those are both true. We are really near

133
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,377
big milestone, and it is 3 times what

134
00:05:03,377 --> 00:05:04,252
we thought we would get.

135
00:05:05,127 --> 00:05:07,751
But the normal me mister insecurity over here

136
00:05:07,751 --> 00:05:10,394
would never reveal what that milestone is. Do

137
00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,391
you know why Sherry? I would keep that

138
00:05:12,391 --> 00:05:13,670
milestone close to the vest?

139
00:05:15,108 --> 00:05:15,907
Oh, wow.

140
00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:18,475
First thought that came in head is that

141
00:05:18,475 --> 00:05:19,668
you don't know what your milestone,

142
00:05:20,305 --> 00:05:21,975
your personal milestones. Do you think I'm just

143
00:05:21,975 --> 00:05:24,043
flat outline? No. I just think... Because at

144
00:05:24,043 --> 00:05:25,888
first, when and I spoke about it. You

145
00:05:25,888 --> 00:05:27,002
were underestimating.

146
00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:30,901
I thought you were underestimating how many responses

147
00:05:30,901 --> 00:05:31,959
we would get. So

148
00:05:32,508 --> 00:05:34,736
maybe as we got more, you kinda upped

149
00:05:34,736 --> 00:05:36,088
the ante a little bit, but you would

150
00:05:36,088 --> 00:05:37,520
be afraid that we wouldn't hit it and

151
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,242
you would look silly not hitting that milestone.

152
00:05:42,712 --> 00:05:44,807
Yes, Ish. Yes, ish. It's

153
00:05:45,343 --> 00:05:47,096
it's not a matter of not knowing what

154
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,129
the mail known is because

155
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:52,310
once the initial first wave of responses came

156
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:55,269
in, I I kinda changed my goal from

157
00:05:55,269 --> 00:05:56,329
the initial goal

158
00:05:56,709 --> 00:05:59,035
to what it is now. It's impostor syndrome.

159
00:05:59,432 --> 00:06:01,501
I'm afraid that if I say out loud

160
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:03,569
what the milestone is, and it's 500. It's

161
00:06:03,569 --> 00:06:06,957
500 response. We're really close to 500 responses

162
00:06:07,016 --> 00:06:08,295
were 35

163
00:06:08,295 --> 00:06:10,373
responses away from 500 responses.

164
00:06:10,852 --> 00:06:13,090
Just to be even more specific. But I'm

165
00:06:13,090 --> 00:06:14,543
afraid some listener out there there's gonna be,

166
00:06:14,623 --> 00:06:15,581
like, 500.

167
00:06:15,901 --> 00:06:18,138
They think that's a good number. They've only

168
00:06:18,138 --> 00:06:20,948
gotten 500 responses so they're stupid rate. Clicked.

169
00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:23,582
I'm never listened to these bo again.

170
00:06:24,699 --> 00:06:25,199
Or

171
00:06:25,657 --> 00:06:27,174
I don't know. I don't know. I don't

172
00:06:27,174 --> 00:06:29,978
know. It's just all in security. It's like,

173
00:06:30,614 --> 00:06:33,659
it's not real. It's not important unless it's

174
00:06:34,590 --> 00:06:36,975
10000000. We all want we're almost a 10000000

175
00:06:36,975 --> 00:06:37,627
sir face.

176
00:06:38,502 --> 00:06:40,491
Why are you just laughing? Because I'm thinking

177
00:06:40,491 --> 00:06:42,980
there's so many other parts of our podcast

178
00:06:43,037 --> 00:06:44,643
that I'd be able like, click. I'm never

179
00:06:44,643 --> 00:06:45,143
listening

180
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:46,394
again.

181
00:06:47,587 --> 00:06:49,679
It wouldn't be about the number of 500

182
00:06:51,088 --> 00:06:51,486
Sorry.

183
00:06:52,919 --> 00:06:54,606
No. You're right. This lots of reasons not

184
00:06:54,606 --> 00:06:55,323
to listen to us.

185
00:06:57,156 --> 00:07:00,264
But, yeah, Total impostor syndrome insecurity,

186
00:07:01,952 --> 00:07:04,418
I... You know, and I cannot. I have

187
00:07:04,418 --> 00:07:06,486
so much impostor syndrome and security that I

188
00:07:06,486 --> 00:07:06,986
cannot

189
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,008
say this next bird. This next part is

190
00:07:10,399 --> 00:07:12,392
as part of going to grad school, I've

191
00:07:12,392 --> 00:07:14,407
read a ton of research

192
00:07:14,784 --> 00:07:15,284
and

193
00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:18,134
looked at a bunch of surveys. 5 hundred's

194
00:07:18,134 --> 00:07:20,403
actually a really good number. App For a

195
00:07:20,861 --> 00:07:21,361
behavioral,

196
00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:24,294
you know, kind of personal behavioral survey. Well,

197
00:07:24,454 --> 00:07:26,449
and it's talking about intimacy. So even though

198
00:07:26,449 --> 00:07:27,508
there's no,

199
00:07:28,126 --> 00:07:30,052
you know, there's no tracking of your name

200
00:07:30,052 --> 00:07:32,360
to your answers that is gonna come up.

201
00:07:32,598 --> 00:07:34,587
It's just... It's so scary to put that

202
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,338
out there. People don't wanna talk about that

203
00:07:36,338 --> 00:07:38,421
even an anonymous survey. That's right.

204
00:07:39,216 --> 00:07:39,693
So

205
00:07:40,170 --> 00:07:41,840
I think that's good. 5 hundreds is a

206
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,942
good number. Yeah. They're defending my security. But

207
00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,389
we're not there yet. So we need a

208
00:07:46,389 --> 00:07:49,257
few more pieces take the. 5 more. 35.

209
00:07:49,496 --> 00:07:51,430
Let's just say 40 to make sure that

210
00:07:51,807 --> 00:07:53,972
that we get it over 500 that we

211
00:07:53,972 --> 00:07:56,118
can say, over. 5. Well if you do

212
00:07:56,118 --> 00:07:57,866
understand how this works. When people take it,

213
00:07:58,025 --> 00:07:59,853
they don't know what number they are, how

214
00:07:59,853 --> 00:08:01,777
many other people took it. So what we

215
00:08:01,777 --> 00:08:04,008
need is everybody who hasn't taken it. Please

216
00:08:04,008 --> 00:08:05,703
take it, and then

217
00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:07,832
you will be part of that. Oh, god.

218
00:08:07,991 --> 00:08:10,302
I think how special you could feel. Being

219
00:08:10,302 --> 00:08:12,623
1 of those last 35 to put us

220
00:08:12,623 --> 00:08:15,189
over this huge milestone of 500

221
00:08:15,722 --> 00:08:17,073
that you might be sitting and their thinking

222
00:08:17,073 --> 00:08:18,742
isn't that big. It is. It's big.

223
00:08:19,536 --> 00:08:22,102
It's huge. I'm excited. So if you're interested,

224
00:08:22,899 --> 00:08:24,574
and if you were the loved of an

225
00:08:24,574 --> 00:08:27,045
alcoholic, and you're interested in getting us over

226
00:08:27,045 --> 00:08:27,763
that big hump,

227
00:08:28,974 --> 00:08:32,081
go to alcoholic intimacy survey dot org.

228
00:08:32,957 --> 00:08:34,869
Thank you very much in advance.

229
00:08:37,907 --> 00:08:40,768
Okay. So let's talk about Instagram? Because why

230
00:08:40,768 --> 00:08:40,927
not?

231
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:43,152
You and I use Instagram.

232
00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:45,400
I I don't know how to you use

233
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,996
you use Instagram. I don't think you use

234
00:08:46,996 --> 00:08:49,150
it much more than this. But we basically

235
00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:49,549
use

236
00:08:50,028 --> 00:08:51,326
Instagram to

237
00:08:51,719 --> 00:08:53,097
watch funny videos

238
00:08:53,475 --> 00:08:55,951
about half cat videos and half other non

239
00:08:55,951 --> 00:08:56,690
cat things

240
00:08:57,148 --> 00:08:59,304
at night before bed. And just kinda... It's

241
00:08:59,304 --> 00:09:01,355
kind of in place of, like, you maybe

242
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,824
used to watch a sitcom,

243
00:09:03,380 --> 00:09:06,557
you know, 10 years ago and further back

244
00:09:06,557 --> 00:09:08,623
or 5 years ago and further back. Mh.

245
00:09:08,861 --> 00:09:10,950
But just a little bit of light hearted

246
00:09:11,498 --> 00:09:12,714
joy and,

247
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:13,804
you know,

248
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,951
just giggling at stupid stuff.

249
00:09:16,587 --> 00:09:18,916
And I... That's really the only thing I

250
00:09:18,973 --> 00:09:20,722
do on social media for the most part.

251
00:09:23,912 --> 00:09:26,609
There's this... Do you use Instagram for anything

252
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:28,355
besides that? I have, like, some people that

253
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:31,634
I follow that little tips for exercises or

254
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:32,693
crowds for

255
00:09:33,549 --> 00:09:34,666
like, you know, kids,

256
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:39,229
yeah Kids what? Like, kids you can steal

257
00:09:39,229 --> 00:09:41,384
for kids. Craft crafts for kids. Got.

258
00:09:42,022 --> 00:09:45,069
Yeah. Like, for Sunday school and and So

259
00:09:45,069 --> 00:09:46,187
not for feeling trafficking.

260
00:09:46,747 --> 00:09:47,066
No.

261
00:09:47,945 --> 00:09:50,022
K. No. Just kinda of creepy and weird

262
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:51,995
that I even said that. Yeah. I was

263
00:09:52,114 --> 00:09:54,109
like, did I not say words in that

264
00:09:54,109 --> 00:09:56,743
last sentence that I spaced out? You kinda

265
00:09:56,743 --> 00:09:58,339
said I use it for kids and then

266
00:09:58,339 --> 00:10:00,255
you kinda... Yeah. You did catch.

267
00:10:00,747 --> 00:10:02,418
For for crash for... Yeah. I trying to

268
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:04,247
think... You know, and on other games and

269
00:10:04,247 --> 00:10:06,315
sort of things that would be useful in

270
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:08,542
my job. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

271
00:10:09,195 --> 00:10:12,235
But there a period of time. But must

272
00:10:12,235 --> 00:10:13,914
work half of the days a week when

273
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,195
you and I lay in bed and we

274
00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:18,248
giggle at Instagram videos before we shut her

275
00:10:18,248 --> 00:10:20,645
down for the night. Yeah. Yeah. So,

276
00:10:21,445 --> 00:10:22,504
that's... There's probably,

277
00:10:23,203 --> 00:10:23,523
you know,

278
00:10:24,322 --> 00:10:26,534
psychologist listening that's that can

279
00:10:26,975 --> 00:10:28,735
verify that that's a bad way to turn

280
00:10:28,735 --> 00:10:30,735
your brain off. There's prob... It's probably not

281
00:10:30,735 --> 00:10:32,414
right that we do that. But we do.

282
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:35,799
And there is this Roger Federer

283
00:10:37,444 --> 00:10:39,906
graduation speech. He was the commencement address at

284
00:10:40,065 --> 00:10:41,518
Dartmouth this last May

285
00:10:42,288 --> 00:10:45,166
that is going around the Internet certainly going

286
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:46,701
around Instagram. I've seen it

287
00:10:47,235 --> 00:10:48,906
probably a half a dozen times at least

288
00:10:48,906 --> 00:10:49,145
now,

289
00:10:50,418 --> 00:10:52,010
different cuts of his video.

290
00:10:52,806 --> 00:10:53,100
But

291
00:10:53,699 --> 00:10:54,100
he...

292
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:57,620
It's really cool. And that's not what this

293
00:10:57,620 --> 00:10:59,379
podcast is about, so I'm not gonna really

294
00:10:59,379 --> 00:11:00,759
talk about it. But

295
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,949
it's motivation It's a motivational speech that he's

296
00:11:03,949 --> 00:11:05,065
giving to college graduates.

297
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:07,776
And so, you know how... Well, none of

298
00:11:07,776 --> 00:11:10,168
us really know how. But the algorithm works

299
00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:12,092
in such a way that Once I've watched

300
00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:13,148
that Roger Federer

301
00:11:13,521 --> 00:11:14,949
Roger Federer video,

302
00:11:15,584 --> 00:11:18,123
6 or 7 times. Now for a while,

303
00:11:18,361 --> 00:11:21,080
all Instagram was giving us was motivational speaker

304
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,712
stuff, like, self help stuff. Yeah. That's not

305
00:11:23,712 --> 00:11:25,864
why I'm watching this literally I want the

306
00:11:25,864 --> 00:11:28,336
cat videos and the... And I want the

307
00:11:28,336 --> 00:11:29,864
guy, like, stepping on the end of the

308
00:11:29,864 --> 00:11:31,058
rake and the other end of the rake

309
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,252
smack them in the face. Right?

310
00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:35,038
I want that kind of stuff. Yeah. I

311
00:11:35,038 --> 00:11:37,028
want somebody run into the porta potty grabbing

312
00:11:37,028 --> 00:11:38,953
their butt trying not to put in offs.

313
00:11:39,588 --> 00:11:41,416
Look, I don't care. Yeah. And you gotta

314
00:11:41,416 --> 00:11:43,959
to stop, like, that's why I don't, like,

315
00:11:44,992 --> 00:11:46,918
you know, I know there's certain algorithm in

316
00:11:46,918 --> 00:11:48,833
for time when you like it and how

317
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,749
long you watch it. So that's why when

318
00:11:50,749 --> 00:11:53,803
and we're watching together. I'm, like, just that

319
00:11:53,941 --> 00:11:55,793
motivational be go swipe quick. I don't ever

320
00:11:55,873 --> 00:11:58,430
Don't wanna get stopped. Okay. That's right. It's

321
00:11:58,430 --> 00:12:00,187
time stuck on it. Yeah. For sure. I

322
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,480
don't ever like stuff. I'm 1 of those

323
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,421
social media people. I don't ever like. I

324
00:12:04,421 --> 00:12:06,322
don't ever comment. I don't ever show any

325
00:12:06,322 --> 00:12:06,956
interest whatsoever.

326
00:12:07,431 --> 00:12:09,705
But yeah. The algorithm does track how my

327
00:12:09,904 --> 00:12:11,659
time I spend on that video. Mh. You're

328
00:12:11,659 --> 00:12:13,653
right. So anyway. So we're getting all this

329
00:12:13,653 --> 00:12:17,003
motivational speaker steps stuff. And 1 of them

330
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:17,503
said

331
00:12:18,119 --> 00:12:20,627
that they're it... And I like to give

332
00:12:20,683 --> 00:12:21,716
attribution, but I don't know who it was,

333
00:12:21,796 --> 00:12:23,306
and I scrolled past it pretty fast.

334
00:12:23,862 --> 00:12:25,373
But he said there's only, like, 4 or

335
00:12:25,373 --> 00:12:27,916
5 emotions, and then he said words that

336
00:12:27,916 --> 00:12:30,393
all rhyme. Sad glad mad,

337
00:12:31,662 --> 00:12:33,726
and then something else that I can't remember.

338
00:12:34,202 --> 00:12:35,392
But it got me thinking.

339
00:12:36,345 --> 00:12:38,185
You you know, you've got this guy saying

340
00:12:38,185 --> 00:12:39,933
there's only 5 emotions.

341
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,340
Lots of people say anger

342
00:12:42,872 --> 00:12:45,414
isn't really a thing. It's a cover for

343
00:12:45,414 --> 00:12:45,891
something else.

344
00:12:46,702 --> 00:12:48,454
Then you've got out there on the big

345
00:12:48,613 --> 00:12:51,003
Bad Internet and publishing lots of best selling

346
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,436
books. You've got B Brown,

347
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,956
who is without question and expert on emotions,

348
00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:59,543
perhaps the leading expert, like, of our time.

349
00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:01,296
I don't know. What do you think about

350
00:13:01,296 --> 00:13:01,456
that?

351
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:04,261
Yeah like statement.

352
00:13:05,138 --> 00:13:06,175
Yeah... Yeah.

353
00:13:07,132 --> 00:13:08,966
I think atlas of the heart kinda talks

354
00:13:08,966 --> 00:13:11,519
about emotions a lot more than some of

355
00:13:11,519 --> 00:13:12,816
our other books, but

356
00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:16,235
Yeah. So you've got that. Then you've got

357
00:13:16,235 --> 00:13:17,373
our podcast

358
00:13:17,829 --> 00:13:19,342
episode 02:48.

359
00:13:19,741 --> 00:13:21,573
Episode 02:48 with Lori Panel,

360
00:13:22,624 --> 00:13:24,772
who is an expert on emotional intelligence,

361
00:13:25,568 --> 00:13:28,375
and she gave us listen of words listen

362
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:29,759
of emotion

363
00:13:30,517 --> 00:13:33,149
and talks about the power of just naming

364
00:13:33,149 --> 00:13:35,382
that emotion, like, there's science behind the power

365
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,259
of naming emotions.

366
00:13:36,977 --> 00:13:38,891
So you've got lots of people saying that

367
00:13:38,891 --> 00:13:41,394
they're a variety of different emotions

368
00:13:42,006 --> 00:13:44,788
that exist and that we need to have

369
00:13:44,788 --> 00:13:46,378
some emotional intelligence about.

370
00:13:47,109 --> 00:13:49,679
In my overs simplified little,

371
00:13:50,294 --> 00:13:51,409
you know, brain that doesn't...

372
00:13:52,046 --> 00:13:54,537
That for for whom that is too complex,

373
00:13:55,803 --> 00:13:57,077
I believe there's only 1 emotion.

374
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,862
And that emotion, Sherry? Drum roll?

375
00:14:00,738 --> 00:14:01,375
Is fear.

376
00:14:03,936 --> 00:14:05,604
What do you think? Well I gotta explain

377
00:14:05,604 --> 00:14:06,717
it more before I can ask what you

378
00:14:06,717 --> 00:14:09,418
think? I think fear is the only emotion.

379
00:14:10,864 --> 00:14:13,262
You know, in the work that I did

380
00:14:13,262 --> 00:14:16,079
to determine my the underlying cause

381
00:14:16,538 --> 00:14:17,736
of my addiction.

382
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:20,460
That's kind of,

383
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,394
fear was very, very prevalent.

384
00:14:24,504 --> 00:14:26,510
I grew up at, you know, as a

385
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,206
in my head, adolescent days in a physically

386
00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:29,706
safe

387
00:14:30,321 --> 00:14:30,821
environment

388
00:14:31,197 --> 00:14:34,065
in emotionally kinda wave home environment.

389
00:14:34,464 --> 00:14:36,057
There was always love and support,

390
00:14:36,708 --> 00:14:40,277
and enough food clothes, things like that. But

391
00:14:40,277 --> 00:14:41,387
there's always teasing.

392
00:14:41,863 --> 00:14:42,759
There were high

393
00:14:43,211 --> 00:14:44,534
expectations, and there was

394
00:14:45,290 --> 00:14:45,790
irrational.

395
00:14:46,245 --> 00:14:47,597
I think I grew up in a pretty

396
00:14:47,597 --> 00:14:48,097
typical

397
00:14:48,711 --> 00:14:50,938
middle class home. You know, nobody beat me.

398
00:14:51,097 --> 00:14:53,969
Nobody nobody physically abused me or sexually abused

399
00:14:53,969 --> 00:14:56,452
me. But there was a little bit of

400
00:14:56,507 --> 00:14:58,332
little bit of stress there from time to

401
00:14:58,332 --> 00:14:58,490
time.

402
00:14:59,143 --> 00:15:00,818
You know, I'm sure that my parents could

403
00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,413
argue that it was based on my shitty

404
00:15:02,413 --> 00:15:04,646
behavior was when there was stress there, and

405
00:15:04,646 --> 00:15:06,162
that's is entirely possible.

406
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:07,300
But

407
00:15:07,757 --> 00:15:09,924
there was know, so that's kind of the

408
00:15:09,924 --> 00:15:10,403
scenario.

409
00:15:11,837 --> 00:15:13,909
Then moving forward in high school and college,

410
00:15:14,069 --> 00:15:15,981
the path was always super clear for me.

411
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:17,752
Go to class,

412
00:15:18,390 --> 00:15:19,349
get decent grades,

413
00:15:19,828 --> 00:15:20,328
graduate.

414
00:15:21,265 --> 00:15:23,899
And I was pretty fearless about that. I

415
00:15:24,059 --> 00:15:26,889
I never really struggled in school. I always

416
00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:27,527
understood

417
00:15:27,905 --> 00:15:29,739
why I was there. There were certainly there

418
00:15:29,739 --> 00:15:31,574
were classes I didn't like and classes I

419
00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:34,466
liked more, but it was it was pretty

420
00:15:34,525 --> 00:15:35,003
straightforward.

421
00:15:35,562 --> 00:15:37,969
Not a lot to be afraid of, then

422
00:15:37,969 --> 00:15:38,926
my career started,

423
00:15:39,884 --> 00:15:40,384
and

424
00:15:40,761 --> 00:15:42,138
I started to experience,

425
00:15:42,835 --> 00:15:45,307
you know, specific accomplishments, like you get a

426
00:15:45,307 --> 00:15:45,626
raise.

427
00:15:46,439 --> 00:15:48,298
You get a promotion or you get transferred?

428
00:15:49,396 --> 00:15:50,535
And so

429
00:15:50,914 --> 00:15:52,912
my life started to... I started be able

430
00:15:52,912 --> 00:15:54,750
to view my life in kinda like tears.

431
00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:55,070
Right?

432
00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:58,103
So you wanna reach the next level. You

433
00:15:58,103 --> 00:16:00,406
wanna get the next promotion. And I would

434
00:16:00,406 --> 00:16:02,788
feel temporary satisfaction from that.

435
00:16:03,836 --> 00:16:06,222
But pretty quickly, I would set my mind

436
00:16:06,222 --> 00:16:07,575
on what the next goal was.

437
00:16:08,688 --> 00:16:11,332
And this is when I think fear really

438
00:16:11,332 --> 00:16:12,769
started to creep in for me.

439
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:14,924
I would start to feel like I was

440
00:16:14,924 --> 00:16:16,361
not enough or I wasn't gonna get to

441
00:16:16,361 --> 00:16:17,239
that next level,

442
00:16:17,958 --> 00:16:18,458
or

443
00:16:19,568 --> 00:16:22,609
fear of, you know, in comparison to coworkers

444
00:16:23,141 --> 00:16:24,277
that I hadn't

445
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,397
gone up the ladder fast enough.

446
00:16:27,985 --> 00:16:29,353
Does that make sense? Yeah.

447
00:16:30,231 --> 00:16:31,747
I mean, it makes sense for me, not

448
00:16:31,747 --> 00:16:34,221
necessarily you. Right? Yeah. And then, you know,

449
00:16:34,381 --> 00:16:35,339
we owned our own business.

450
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:39,810
Talk about fear. There's no financial stability in

451
00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:40,683
owning your own business.

452
00:16:41,398 --> 00:16:43,224
You know, you can work really hard and

453
00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:45,606
there isn't a paycheck twice a month automatically

454
00:16:45,606 --> 00:16:45,924
coming.

455
00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:49,779
And then I started to fear not only

456
00:16:50,871 --> 00:16:53,098
advancement in promotions and getting to the next

457
00:16:53,098 --> 00:16:54,451
level, but I started to fear that we

458
00:16:54,451 --> 00:16:56,056
were gonna lose the things that we had

459
00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:58,700
already worked so hard for and accumulated.

460
00:16:59,549 --> 00:17:00,843
So... And it

461
00:17:01,296 --> 00:17:04,575
coincides that really, my addiction really ramped up

462
00:17:04,963 --> 00:17:06,317
when we owned our own business,

463
00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:08,409
I was using

464
00:17:08,864 --> 00:17:09,682
alcohol medicinal

465
00:17:10,217 --> 00:17:11,809
to treat my fear.

466
00:17:13,017 --> 00:17:14,525
Mh. All of this. You still with me

467
00:17:14,525 --> 00:17:16,509
and all this? Yeah I'm I'm listening and

468
00:17:16,509 --> 00:17:20,081
processing and comparing it to my outsider viewpoint.

469
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:21,473
From,

470
00:17:22,329 --> 00:17:24,802
you know, like, what I saw. And hopefully,

471
00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:27,595
your viewpoint from what you experienced. Yeah.

472
00:17:29,044 --> 00:17:32,073
Let's pause then. And viewpoint of being an

473
00:17:32,073 --> 00:17:33,906
outsider or, like, outside of your brain. Yeah.

474
00:17:34,782 --> 00:17:37,835
But I don't feel like you lived in

475
00:17:37,835 --> 00:17:38,475
fear like this.

476
00:17:39,115 --> 00:17:41,434
When we... Like, let's say, when we moved

477
00:17:41,434 --> 00:17:44,130
to to Chicago, for instance, that was a

478
00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:48,000
tran... Promotion, a transfer. Mh. And we got

479
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:48,899
there, and

480
00:17:49,356 --> 00:17:49,856
you

481
00:17:50,394 --> 00:17:52,045
found a job and

482
00:17:52,484 --> 00:17:53,763
I had my job, and I feel like

483
00:17:53,763 --> 00:17:55,281
you were a lot more content than you

484
00:17:55,281 --> 00:17:57,439
weren't... You know, there wasn't a period a

485
00:17:57,439 --> 00:17:59,916
temporary period of satisfaction than you were immediately

486
00:17:59,916 --> 00:18:03,048
trying to figure out next. Yeah. Is that

487
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:03,607
fair? I mean,

488
00:18:04,566 --> 00:18:05,705
I kind of ironically,

489
00:18:06,244 --> 00:18:07,923
that was a place where I did switch

490
00:18:07,923 --> 00:18:08,423
jobs

491
00:18:09,201 --> 00:18:10,480
more frequently. Mh.

492
00:18:11,851 --> 00:18:13,865
But I didn't have fear

493
00:18:14,321 --> 00:18:17,030
of finding another job or worry or concern

494
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:19,917
of of moving up a matter and, you

495
00:18:19,917 --> 00:18:20,656
know, and

496
00:18:21,513 --> 00:18:23,429
like, making sure that, you know,

497
00:18:24,148 --> 00:18:25,984
that I found a job right away after

498
00:18:25,984 --> 00:18:26,942
1 job ended, like.

499
00:18:28,472 --> 00:18:31,097
That wasn't a necessarily a fearful. I mean,

500
00:18:31,257 --> 00:18:33,245
I never sensed fear you. I've never sensed

501
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:35,887
fear from you about anything career wise.

502
00:18:36,524 --> 00:18:38,278
The only place I've ever sent fear from

503
00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:41,568
you is kid related. Mh. You know, and

504
00:18:41,785 --> 00:18:43,633
that's just the nurturing instinct that you have,

505
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:45,463
I think. Yeah. But I think that that

506
00:18:45,463 --> 00:18:46,498
also comes from,

507
00:18:47,373 --> 00:18:49,123
maybe it's 1 of those situations where I

508
00:18:49,123 --> 00:18:51,192
knew you were worrying enough for both of

509
00:18:51,192 --> 00:18:52,959
us and had fear there. Yeah. But I

510
00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:53,937
also knew

511
00:18:54,714 --> 00:18:56,092
enough about you that

512
00:18:57,588 --> 00:18:59,982
if I didn't get a job that helps

513
00:18:59,982 --> 00:19:02,473
the income at. In Chicago for a little

514
00:19:02,473 --> 00:19:04,869
bit, we would make it. You know? Yeah.

515
00:19:05,189 --> 00:19:07,686
Like, I never I never had fear that

516
00:19:08,636 --> 00:19:10,620
you wouldn't work and do and a second

517
00:19:10,620 --> 00:19:12,470
job if you needed to if things were

518
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:13,874
were bad. Even like,

519
00:19:14,589 --> 00:19:16,751
you know, when we closed bakery and and

520
00:19:16,751 --> 00:19:19,484
things like that. So I guess I never

521
00:19:19,622 --> 00:19:21,318
had that fear because I

522
00:19:21,695 --> 00:19:23,769
felt like I knew who you were that

523
00:19:23,769 --> 00:19:24,508
you would always

524
00:19:25,138 --> 00:19:26,485
that we would work it out. We'd always

525
00:19:26,485 --> 00:19:28,070
make it work. That feels nice to hear

526
00:19:28,070 --> 00:19:30,288
you say that. Thanks. You... At least that's

527
00:19:30,288 --> 00:19:32,601
an area where you trusted me. Yeah. That's

528
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:32,998
pretty great.

529
00:19:33,790 --> 00:19:36,089
Okay. Let me keep going with my mounting

530
00:19:36,089 --> 00:19:39,206
fear. So I was recently cleaning pictures out

531
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,526
of my you know, years of

532
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:44,216
silly pictures that I've got on my phone.

533
00:19:44,615 --> 00:19:45,115
And

534
00:19:45,572 --> 00:19:47,327
I came across 1 from a few years

535
00:19:47,327 --> 00:19:47,486
ago.

536
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:50,691
I had taken a screen shot of an

537
00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:51,191
email

538
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:52,388
from our

539
00:19:53,802 --> 00:19:54,541
like, our

540
00:19:54,918 --> 00:19:57,869
podcast host that said we had reached 10000

541
00:19:57,869 --> 00:20:00,118
downloads on the intoxicated podcast.

542
00:20:00,916 --> 00:20:03,311
And that was momentous enough that I took

543
00:20:03,311 --> 00:20:05,387
a screenshot, and it brought me a great

544
00:20:05,387 --> 00:20:07,782
deal of pride and satisfaction to reach 10000

545
00:20:07,782 --> 00:20:08,181
downloads.

546
00:20:09,314 --> 00:20:09,553
Well,

547
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,505
I'm realizing as I'm saying this out loud

548
00:20:12,505 --> 00:20:14,760
this sounds like a horrible humble brag

549
00:20:15,617 --> 00:20:17,864
or maybe not humble I'll spread. But we...

550
00:20:18,182 --> 00:20:19,856
Now that's a... You know, we do that,

551
00:20:19,935 --> 00:20:22,007
in a month, we do 10000 downloads.

552
00:20:22,565 --> 00:20:24,730
So what 1 me a great deal of

553
00:20:24,730 --> 00:20:28,015
satisfaction and pride and excitement over

554
00:20:29,265 --> 00:20:31,746
this podcasting that we're doing at now,

555
00:20:33,412 --> 00:20:35,554
that's, you know, kind of irrelevant or not

556
00:20:35,554 --> 00:20:38,569
irrelevant, but insignificant. Mh. And also, by the

557
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:40,330
way, talk about where working in my fear.

558
00:20:40,568 --> 00:20:41,863
I just revealed

559
00:20:42,236 --> 00:20:44,460
another number, and I hate revealing numbers out

560
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:47,319
loud. Yeah. And and me, I would be,

561
00:20:47,478 --> 00:20:49,359
like, is that good or but. I said

562
00:20:49,479 --> 00:20:51,145
day or is that a month? Alright. Got.

563
00:20:51,304 --> 00:20:53,550
Had it was... It's such an arbitrary number

564
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:55,670
that... I know, I had a former coworker

565
00:20:55,670 --> 00:20:57,654
that I had his own podcast and would

566
00:20:57,654 --> 00:20:59,503
ask me like, how many we get And

567
00:20:59,583 --> 00:21:00,781
I'm like, I I don't know. He's like,

568
00:21:00,861 --> 00:21:01,900
what you don't look and I'm like, no.

569
00:21:02,059 --> 00:21:03,258
I don't look... I don't care. We put

570
00:21:03,258 --> 00:21:05,255
it out there because it's good for us.

571
00:21:05,988 --> 00:21:07,663
And if it reaches and helps people then

572
00:21:07,663 --> 00:21:09,498
great, but I'm not looking for the. Do

573
00:21:09,498 --> 00:21:11,651
they call it blessed and release something like

574
00:21:11,651 --> 00:21:13,486
that? I I don't know. That's what an

575
00:21:13,486 --> 00:21:15,320
artist needs to know to do, like,

576
00:21:15,973 --> 00:21:18,522
just do your best and throw in the

577
00:21:18,522 --> 00:21:21,152
wind and hope. Yeah. I'm so jealous of

578
00:21:21,152 --> 00:21:22,666
you for that. I cannot tell you how

579
00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:23,223
jealous I am.

580
00:21:24,976 --> 00:21:25,136
Yeah.

581
00:21:25,947 --> 00:21:28,016
But so, you know, a number that once

582
00:21:28,016 --> 00:21:28,834
brought Joy

583
00:21:30,005 --> 00:21:32,631
is now nothing more than, like, a Mains.

584
00:21:33,363 --> 00:21:35,997
Like, great. Yeah. But but it's worse than

585
00:21:35,997 --> 00:21:38,550
that. It's not just the norm. It's also

586
00:21:38,550 --> 00:21:40,226
something I'm afraid of losing. Yeah.

587
00:21:40,958 --> 00:21:43,822
You know, I'm afraid... I'm not excited to

588
00:21:43,822 --> 00:21:45,731
have reached that or even excited to have

589
00:21:45,731 --> 00:21:47,402
reset on a monthly basis. I'm mean, I'm

590
00:21:47,402 --> 00:21:48,993
scared billable backside.

591
00:21:49,883 --> 00:21:50,383
So

592
00:21:50,913 --> 00:21:52,339
that's what's great about my brain. I have

593
00:21:52,339 --> 00:21:54,240
the ability to be afraid of anything. Maybe

594
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,825
I should be getting the emails with those

595
00:21:55,825 --> 00:21:56,300
sorts things.

596
00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:58,296
I won't tell you and you won't know,

597
00:21:58,455 --> 00:21:59,351
and sometimes

598
00:21:59,722 --> 00:22:00,198
his place.

599
00:22:00,911 --> 00:22:02,812
Yeah. I don't know. I think I I

600
00:22:02,812 --> 00:22:03,763
think that would drive me crazy.

601
00:22:04,413 --> 00:22:04,811
Crazier.

602
00:22:07,038 --> 00:22:09,208
I think fear while I'm on to this

603
00:22:09,424 --> 00:22:11,348
whole fear thing, Share. I think fear is

604
00:22:11,348 --> 00:22:12,062
a continuum.

605
00:22:12,538 --> 00:22:14,920
I think it's our only emotion. I think

606
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,190
when fear is high,

607
00:22:16,745 --> 00:22:18,704
the other words that we use

608
00:22:19,221 --> 00:22:21,072
the other emotions that are popular

609
00:22:21,446 --> 00:22:22,957
considered, like anger,

610
00:22:23,433 --> 00:22:24,785
you know, fix fiction,

611
00:22:26,789 --> 00:22:27,289
intolerance,

612
00:22:30,309 --> 00:22:32,730
losing sleep being grumpy, rum.

613
00:22:33,349 --> 00:22:34,970
I think all of these things happen

614
00:22:35,429 --> 00:22:37,673
natural early when our fear is high. When

615
00:22:37,673 --> 00:22:39,821
our fear is low, I think we feel

616
00:22:39,821 --> 00:22:40,321
joyful

617
00:22:40,696 --> 00:22:41,491
or content,

618
00:22:42,287 --> 00:22:43,811
of we sleep through the night.

619
00:22:44,923 --> 00:22:46,671
We can be a joy to be around

620
00:22:46,671 --> 00:22:47,307
as humans.

621
00:22:48,577 --> 00:22:49,077
And

622
00:22:49,610 --> 00:22:52,311
alcohol really served the purpose of quench fear

623
00:22:52,311 --> 00:22:52,724
for me.

624
00:22:53,682 --> 00:22:56,156
Alcohol made the fear disappear. When we talk

625
00:22:56,156 --> 00:22:59,131
about using alcohol to deal with emotions

626
00:23:00,068 --> 00:23:01,366
that what really

627
00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:04,624
kinda lights up my brain and says, yeah,

628
00:23:04,783 --> 00:23:05,840
You're on to something

629
00:23:06,215 --> 00:23:07,590
is if I think about

630
00:23:08,045 --> 00:23:11,902
fear making in security go away or worries

631
00:23:11,958 --> 00:23:14,186
about the future or regrets from the past.

632
00:23:14,424 --> 00:23:15,777
That's all fear. Mh.

633
00:23:16,904 --> 00:23:17,404
So

634
00:23:17,936 --> 00:23:20,397
that was the medicinal purpose of alcohol for

635
00:23:20,397 --> 00:23:22,223
me. You have less fear.

636
00:23:24,143 --> 00:23:26,045
You have less financial here. We already talked

637
00:23:26,045 --> 00:23:28,447
about that. You just kinda... And I I

638
00:23:28,502 --> 00:23:30,166
am so thankful to you, but you just

639
00:23:30,166 --> 00:23:30,666
kinda

640
00:23:31,528 --> 00:23:33,510
trust me that that'll be okay. You contribute

641
00:23:33,510 --> 00:23:35,255
you're a big part of it. And sometimes

642
00:23:35,255 --> 00:23:36,919
when I'm stressing about something, I'll sit down

643
00:23:36,919 --> 00:23:38,505
and we'll talk about numbers together and you're

644
00:23:38,505 --> 00:23:41,467
very smart. You're very analytical. You're very capable,

645
00:23:41,786 --> 00:23:43,221
but you don't sit there every day and

646
00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:43,721
worry

647
00:23:44,098 --> 00:23:45,135
about financial things.

648
00:23:46,331 --> 00:23:48,165
You get a great deal of joy for

649
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:48,974
me a parent,

650
00:23:50,243 --> 00:23:50,981
you work

651
00:23:51,353 --> 00:23:53,257
in a joyful environment with kids.

652
00:23:54,208 --> 00:23:55,794
And, like, here's a great example.

653
00:23:56,523 --> 00:23:58,993
I don't think you're fixated in your work

654
00:23:58,993 --> 00:24:01,144
with children both as the children's minister in

655
00:24:01,144 --> 00:24:02,600
our church, and you also

656
00:24:02,976 --> 00:24:04,888
work in the preschool that's housed in our

657
00:24:04,888 --> 00:24:05,127
church.

658
00:24:06,098 --> 00:24:08,168
Teaching. I don't think you sit there and

659
00:24:08,168 --> 00:24:09,920
worry? Like, are we gonna get another kid

660
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,990
enrolled? Is someone else gonna join? Like, is...

661
00:24:12,866 --> 00:24:14,552
Am I doing a good enough job a

662
00:24:14,552 --> 00:24:15,450
teacher so that

663
00:24:16,143 --> 00:24:19,267
word is gonna make our our classroom grow

664
00:24:19,642 --> 00:24:21,971
or, you know, the 1 that's more directly

665
00:24:22,107 --> 00:24:24,373
related your direct responsibility.

666
00:24:25,067 --> 00:24:26,818
Are we gonna get more families to join

667
00:24:26,818 --> 00:24:28,648
the church because they've heard how awesome this

668
00:24:28,648 --> 00:24:30,638
children's program is? I don't think you sit

669
00:24:30,638 --> 00:24:31,752
around and worry about that all the time.

670
00:24:31,912 --> 00:24:34,484
Do you? I don't worry about it in

671
00:24:34,484 --> 00:24:34,984
that

672
00:24:35,285 --> 00:24:37,605
regard. I worry about it in a in

673
00:24:37,605 --> 00:24:38,484
a bigger scope,

674
00:24:39,045 --> 00:24:40,971
like, oh, I hope we get more families

675
00:24:40,971 --> 00:24:43,197
to join because it is such a great

676
00:24:43,197 --> 00:24:45,263
environment. And for me, I do feel like

677
00:24:45,263 --> 00:24:47,012
church is a good part of life.

678
00:24:47,664 --> 00:24:47,825
Like,

679
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:51,825
the the ritual of going to the service.

680
00:24:52,065 --> 00:24:54,224
Yeah. So that I do, but it's it's...

681
00:24:55,025 --> 00:24:56,952
I don't rum or fix aid on it.

682
00:24:57,190 --> 00:24:58,384
How often do you think about that?

683
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:01,567
Oh, when we have 1 or 2 kids

684
00:25:01,567 --> 00:25:04,071
short to that school. I'm in its summertime

685
00:25:04,843 --> 00:25:06,457
or ski season. So

686
00:25:07,149 --> 00:25:08,206
January, February

687
00:25:08,660 --> 00:25:09,160
and

688
00:25:09,694 --> 00:25:11,364
July and August, I think about it more.

689
00:25:11,682 --> 00:25:14,003
Because those are are less And and obviously

690
00:25:14,003 --> 00:25:15,435
until I've tracked it a little bit. Those

691
00:25:15,435 --> 00:25:16,890
are when we have less children

692
00:25:17,344 --> 00:25:18,242
in attendance

693
00:25:18,617 --> 00:25:19,515
because of

694
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:21,416
season, ski schools,

695
00:25:21,893 --> 00:25:24,200
and then summer vacations. But you don't just

696
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,238
sit around constantly thinking about. No. Just us.

697
00:25:27,715 --> 00:25:28,511
That sounds great.

698
00:25:29,465 --> 00:25:31,215
So, yeah, just when I think of the

699
00:25:31,215 --> 00:25:32,352
things that bring me

700
00:25:33,522 --> 00:25:33,840
fear,

701
00:25:34,795 --> 00:25:36,484
I just think you have a lot less.

702
00:25:36,643 --> 00:25:39,540
What about? So we've talked many times

703
00:25:39,919 --> 00:25:42,635
in you in your growing up in your

704
00:25:42,635 --> 00:25:43,289
at, lessons,

705
00:25:44,326 --> 00:25:44,826
your

706
00:25:46,162 --> 00:25:48,238
your father... Your mother and father got divorced,

707
00:25:48,398 --> 00:25:49,755
and you didn't see your father as much

708
00:25:49,755 --> 00:25:51,910
as your mother. And then eventually, your mom

709
00:25:51,910 --> 00:25:54,318
rem aid, and that relationship sadly didn't work

710
00:25:54,318 --> 00:25:54,876
out either.

711
00:25:55,674 --> 00:25:57,588
Does any of that leave you with a

712
00:25:57,588 --> 00:25:58,545
fear of abandonment?

713
00:26:01,576 --> 00:26:01,815
No.

714
00:26:02,624 --> 00:26:03,758
I don't think

715
00:26:04,131 --> 00:26:04,607
so.

716
00:26:05,003 --> 00:26:05,400
God.

717
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:09,604
Because I think because my main parent, I

718
00:26:09,604 --> 00:26:11,524
feel like was pretty secure. And then I

719
00:26:11,524 --> 00:26:12,024
had

720
00:26:12,478 --> 00:26:12,978
both

721
00:26:13,589 --> 00:26:16,075
grandparents for both sides that were pretty

722
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:17,560
involved.

723
00:26:18,196 --> 00:26:21,405
And then I had my mom's sister for,

724
00:26:21,565 --> 00:26:23,562
like, the first 6 or 7 years of

725
00:26:23,562 --> 00:26:25,000
my life lived in the town.

726
00:26:25,813 --> 00:26:27,568
That we lived in, so... And she wasn't

727
00:26:27,568 --> 00:26:28,706
married yet. So

728
00:26:29,243 --> 00:26:31,077
that was, I think, a good bond.

729
00:26:32,114 --> 00:26:34,348
Got emotionally secure much over there, sherry.

730
00:26:36,509 --> 00:26:38,411
I have to like a rock. Butt shit.

731
00:26:38,728 --> 00:26:38,965
No,

732
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:40,075
barely.

733
00:26:41,501 --> 00:26:42,476
Yeah. That's

734
00:26:42,943 --> 00:26:44,693
That's all... That's good for you. That's great.

735
00:26:44,852 --> 00:26:46,443
Doesn't. I I'm not hearing much that would

736
00:26:46,443 --> 00:26:48,432
make me want a self medicate or feel

737
00:26:48,432 --> 00:26:50,700
the need to self medicate maybe that's why

738
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,519
addiction has never been a problem for you.

739
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:55,880
I... You know, I will say I've never

740
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:56,539
had really

741
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:57,720
relationship fear.

742
00:26:58,279 --> 00:26:58,680
Mh.

743
00:26:59,654 --> 00:27:01,488
I mean, my parents are still together.

744
00:27:02,206 --> 00:27:03,243
There was never any...

745
00:27:05,237 --> 00:27:05,955
What's the word?

746
00:27:06,673 --> 00:27:09,145
Us us... No. Os sized.

747
00:27:11,471 --> 00:27:12,188
In my family.

748
00:27:12,905 --> 00:27:14,419
Well, see. We have a in my myself.

749
00:27:14,658 --> 00:27:16,984
But he doesn't bother doesn't defend you. Because

750
00:27:16,984 --> 00:27:18,744
he was a dick. That's why.

751
00:27:20,265 --> 00:27:22,744
You're like crazy secure. You're like, sales those

752
00:27:22,744 --> 00:27:24,519
are gone. Do that. He was a bad

753
00:27:24,519 --> 00:27:26,279
guy. But I think 1 of the reasons

754
00:27:26,279 --> 00:27:28,359
that when you detach for me in my

755
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:30,680
active alcoholism that was so effective because that

756
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,210
was the first time in life when I

757
00:27:32,210 --> 00:27:35,093
did have any kind of fear of

758
00:27:35,626 --> 00:27:36,126
abandonment

759
00:27:36,659 --> 00:27:38,565
or fear that a relationship wasn't gonna work.

760
00:27:39,459 --> 00:27:41,057
And so when you pulled away and I

761
00:27:41,057 --> 00:27:43,155
started the sense that you might be

762
00:27:43,534 --> 00:27:45,452
packing your bag soon or kicking my ass

763
00:27:45,452 --> 00:27:45,692
out,

764
00:27:46,411 --> 00:27:48,825
that really really was effective because it was

765
00:27:48,825 --> 00:27:50,265
the first time in my life I'd had

766
00:27:50,265 --> 00:27:52,984
any kind of fear of abandonment like that.

767
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:56,265
Yeah. Yeah.

768
00:27:56,839 --> 00:27:58,915
I mean, I will say there were, like,

769
00:28:00,830 --> 00:28:03,465
after you were after that first year, year

770
00:28:03,465 --> 00:28:06,351
and a half of sobriety this time. And

771
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:08,336
we were trying to figure out whether or

772
00:28:08,336 --> 00:28:12,544
not the relationship was repair, if we really

773
00:28:12,544 --> 00:28:14,553
liked 1 another if we had

774
00:28:16,053 --> 00:28:16,553
compatibility

775
00:28:17,006 --> 00:28:17,506
and

776
00:28:18,118 --> 00:28:20,206
ironically, we just watched something on compatibility

777
00:28:20,897 --> 00:28:22,485
the other night in which I thought was

778
00:28:22,485 --> 00:28:22,644
bullshit.

779
00:28:23,374 --> 00:28:24,813
Like, you can get along with anybody if

780
00:28:24,813 --> 00:28:27,370
you try. Won't know. You can't really. Oh,

781
00:28:27,530 --> 00:28:29,607
you can't. Oh, I can't. I can't.

782
00:28:30,327 --> 00:28:32,460
My gut feels me that I can't till

783
00:28:32,499 --> 00:28:32,898
me. Nope.

784
00:28:33,777 --> 00:28:36,432
But there was a time that,

785
00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:38,726
you know, there was a there was an

786
00:28:38,726 --> 00:28:41,142
issue when we were dealing with the intimacy

787
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,199
piece of the relationship, and it we were...

788
00:28:43,754 --> 00:28:46,052
Obvious it's obvious and looking back now. We

789
00:28:46,052 --> 00:28:46,790
weren't ready

790
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:48,430
to go there. Mh.

791
00:28:49,159 --> 00:28:50,438
And you were trying to push it just

792
00:28:50,438 --> 00:28:52,276
a little bit too hard. And so my

793
00:28:52,276 --> 00:28:55,232
defense is kicked in, and and we had

794
00:28:55,232 --> 00:28:57,091
some pretty serious talks

795
00:28:58,044 --> 00:28:58,544
about

796
00:28:58,923 --> 00:29:01,420
what each of us wanted in the relationship

797
00:29:02,518 --> 00:29:04,835
as far as the intimacy and sexual piece

798
00:29:04,835 --> 00:29:05,075
goes,

799
00:29:05,728 --> 00:29:07,714
And I mean, we had conversation like, well,

800
00:29:07,873 --> 00:29:10,018
if it can't go in this direction at

801
00:29:10,018 --> 00:29:10,574
some point,

802
00:29:11,130 --> 00:29:13,116
you know, maybe we're just not gonna be

803
00:29:13,116 --> 00:29:14,943
together. Mh. And that was a big fear.

804
00:29:15,514 --> 00:29:17,263
And I wouldn't say the fear was my

805
00:29:17,263 --> 00:29:18,558
motivator to push

806
00:29:19,171 --> 00:29:20,682
through. We had to work through some other

807
00:29:20,682 --> 00:29:21,977
stuff, and then we revisited

808
00:29:22,670 --> 00:29:23,170
the

809
00:29:24,260 --> 00:29:24,760
sexual

810
00:29:25,309 --> 00:29:26,904
piece of the relationship.

811
00:29:27,542 --> 00:29:29,456
But that was the only time I was

812
00:29:29,456 --> 00:29:30,753
fairly fearful.

813
00:29:31,529 --> 00:29:33,284
And I think it was because you were

814
00:29:33,284 --> 00:29:33,784
changed

815
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,330
from the alcohol and the things you had

816
00:29:36,330 --> 00:29:37,208
learned in recovering,

817
00:29:38,086 --> 00:29:38,746
you were

818
00:29:39,363 --> 00:29:41,198
kind of not so much in a bad

819
00:29:41,198 --> 00:29:43,286
way, but standing up for what you wanted

820
00:29:43,286 --> 00:29:45,508
out of the relationship long term, and I

821
00:29:45,508 --> 00:29:48,127
was still so hurt and scared and un

822
00:29:48,127 --> 00:29:49,000
trusting of you.

823
00:29:49,635 --> 00:29:51,382
I didn't even know if I really liked

824
00:29:51,382 --> 00:29:52,275
you anymore.

825
00:29:53,075 --> 00:29:54,275
I'm I'm trying to find that. So then

826
00:29:54,355 --> 00:29:56,674
I was, like, fearful that, like, maybe I

827
00:29:56,674 --> 00:29:58,515
really didn't want to fix that piece of

828
00:29:58,515 --> 00:30:00,926
the relationship because I didn't wanna put that

829
00:30:00,926 --> 00:30:03,573
much effort into the the relationship

830
00:30:04,028 --> 00:30:05,380
and then be, like, well it still doesn't

831
00:30:05,380 --> 00:30:07,130
work because I still don't really like you.

832
00:30:07,624 --> 00:30:08,604
So if it didn't

833
00:30:09,382 --> 00:30:11,620
encourage you or push you to move into

834
00:30:11,620 --> 00:30:12,839
areas of

835
00:30:13,218 --> 00:30:15,296
intimacy with which you were not comfortable at

836
00:30:15,296 --> 00:30:15,776
the time,

837
00:30:16,655 --> 00:30:19,136
did push you and motivate you to work

838
00:30:19,136 --> 00:30:22,633
on other areas of recovery? Yeah. Yes. That's

839
00:30:22,633 --> 00:30:25,495
brilliant. Motivated other pieces. Like, because well for

840
00:30:25,495 --> 00:30:27,900
1, I wasn't gonna you just bully me

841
00:30:27,900 --> 00:30:29,972
into working on something I wasn't ready for.

842
00:30:30,451 --> 00:30:32,603
But I think you really. Good. Nobody should

843
00:30:32,603 --> 00:30:33,343
bully someone

844
00:30:34,118 --> 00:30:36,203
intimacy especially. Yeah. Well, I think that we

845
00:30:36,203 --> 00:30:38,373
realized that there was just more resentment

846
00:30:38,748 --> 00:30:41,849
and trust and building fun part of the

847
00:30:41,849 --> 00:30:43,678
relations? What to your credit at that time,

848
00:30:43,837 --> 00:30:45,164
you acknowledge that

849
00:30:46,715 --> 00:30:49,361
intimacy is an important part Yeah. Of a

850
00:30:49,974 --> 00:30:50,474
romantic

851
00:30:50,848 --> 00:30:53,551
partnership, and you might not be there yet,

852
00:30:53,710 --> 00:30:56,030
but you did wreck you didn't just call

853
00:30:56,030 --> 00:30:58,652
me a horn and... Brush it aside and

854
00:30:58,652 --> 00:31:01,059
tell me, you know, it's my fault that

855
00:31:01,434 --> 00:31:03,755
it is what is. You be recognized. Okay.

856
00:31:04,232 --> 00:31:05,584
This guy's working on his stuff.

857
00:31:06,221 --> 00:31:07,357
This is a legitimate

858
00:31:07,971 --> 00:31:10,850
desire that he has and eventually, we're gonna

859
00:31:10,850 --> 00:31:12,601
need to get there. And then you figured

860
00:31:12,601 --> 00:31:13,817
out the way to get

861
00:31:14,272 --> 00:31:16,261
the foundation built so that you could go

862
00:31:16,261 --> 00:31:18,384
there. It's right. Impressive. Right. Well, I just

863
00:31:18,424 --> 00:31:20,333
knew that I wasn't quite ready to...

864
00:31:21,048 --> 00:31:22,718
I felt... I just felt in my gut

865
00:31:22,718 --> 00:31:24,626
that there was another piece that needed to

866
00:31:24,626 --> 00:31:26,773
be worked on before we went to that.

867
00:31:28,299 --> 00:31:30,797
Let's talk about a very common area fear

868
00:31:31,016 --> 00:31:32,693
for the loved ones at alcoholic.

869
00:31:34,211 --> 00:31:37,358
The, you know, fear living in constant fear

870
00:31:38,291 --> 00:31:41,498
because you don't know what your alcoholic spouse

871
00:31:41,556 --> 00:31:42,989
it... What kind of mood they're gonna be

872
00:31:42,989 --> 00:31:43,148
in.

873
00:31:43,959 --> 00:31:45,788
What they're gonna say, how they're gonna show

874
00:31:45,788 --> 00:31:46,027
up,

875
00:31:47,220 --> 00:31:49,288
how intoxicated they're gonna be? Are they gonna

876
00:31:49,288 --> 00:31:50,855
have been drinking? Or are they gonna lock

877
00:31:51,132 --> 00:31:53,590
about how much they've been drinking or if

878
00:31:53,590 --> 00:31:54,303
they've been drinking,

879
00:31:55,017 --> 00:31:57,950
all of that creates nervous system activation.

880
00:31:58,999 --> 00:32:02,135
Which we've talked about many times. But when

881
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:03,254
you're,

882
00:32:03,712 --> 00:32:05,091
you know, you're afraid

883
00:32:05,550 --> 00:32:07,717
of your own partner and what their status

884
00:32:07,717 --> 00:32:09,788
is gonna be not physically afraid. I think

885
00:32:09,788 --> 00:32:11,164
this is important because

886
00:32:11,540 --> 00:32:12,950
a lot of people think oh, their own

887
00:32:13,069 --> 00:32:14,421
you know, I've never hit her. I've never

888
00:32:14,421 --> 00:32:15,615
even threatened to hit her What she have

889
00:32:15,615 --> 00:32:16,729
to be afraid of. Well,

890
00:32:17,286 --> 00:32:17,683
a lot.

891
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,204
If you're afraid of the

892
00:32:20,802 --> 00:32:23,773
emotional safety or the lack thereof in your

893
00:32:23,990 --> 00:32:24,150
relationship,

894
00:32:25,027 --> 00:32:27,657
then, you know, that puts you in Fight

895
00:32:27,657 --> 00:32:28,157
flight

896
00:32:28,705 --> 00:32:31,400
fauna or freeze mode, nervous system activated.

897
00:32:32,113 --> 00:32:32,613
And

898
00:32:33,778 --> 00:32:35,734
that is, you know, being

899
00:32:36,335 --> 00:32:36,835
perpetually

900
00:32:37,855 --> 00:32:39,694
activated your nervous system, that will kill you.

901
00:32:39,934 --> 00:32:42,194
That is not a safe place to be

902
00:32:42,575 --> 00:32:43,214
long term,

903
00:32:43,934 --> 00:32:44,255
you know,

904
00:32:44,986 --> 00:32:47,612
fight flight is meant for, you know, a

905
00:32:47,612 --> 00:32:49,204
dangerous life threatening,

906
00:32:50,477 --> 00:32:50,977
acute

907
00:32:51,353 --> 00:32:53,661
situation, a short term situation and staying in

908
00:32:53,661 --> 00:32:54,813
that long term

909
00:32:55,269 --> 00:32:56,224
is no way to live.

910
00:32:56,941 --> 00:32:57,760
And so

911
00:32:58,853 --> 00:32:59,911
this fear

912
00:33:00,606 --> 00:33:02,938
driving us in a nervous system activation

913
00:33:03,488 --> 00:33:05,179
can actually do

914
00:33:05,870 --> 00:33:08,807
physical biological damage to the partner of an

915
00:33:08,807 --> 00:33:12,062
alcoholic can literally kill you can cause, you

916
00:33:12,062 --> 00:33:13,529
know, things like

917
00:33:13,902 --> 00:33:15,726
heart attacks, and another stress related,

918
00:33:17,154 --> 00:33:17,551
you know,

919
00:33:18,265 --> 00:33:18,765
biological,

920
00:33:19,851 --> 00:33:20,351
functioning

921
00:33:20,819 --> 00:33:21,299
problems.

922
00:33:22,099 --> 00:33:25,079
So I just think it's interesting to acknowledge

923
00:33:25,539 --> 00:33:28,119
that the drinking of another person

924
00:33:28,994 --> 00:33:30,933
can create a level of fear

925
00:33:31,471 --> 00:33:33,090
in the loved 1 of that person

926
00:33:33,629 --> 00:33:36,266
that it can actually do serious damage or

927
00:33:36,266 --> 00:33:37,545
even kill you. Mh.

928
00:33:38,437 --> 00:33:38,676
Yeah.

929
00:33:41,306 --> 00:33:43,936
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I'm just I'm just

930
00:33:43,936 --> 00:33:45,690
thinking of, like, people that I know that...

931
00:33:46,742 --> 00:33:47,242
Have

932
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,354
been in those situations and how they have

933
00:33:51,370 --> 00:33:52,647
lifelong health issues now.

934
00:33:54,017 --> 00:33:54,414
You know,

935
00:33:55,129 --> 00:33:57,035
like, they have to deal with because it

936
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:57,932
can... That,

937
00:33:58,385 --> 00:33:59,362
you know, the

938
00:33:59,974 --> 00:34:02,850
body keeps the score book tells you so

939
00:34:02,850 --> 00:34:04,600
much, but I just... When you were talking

940
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,533
about that, I'm just 2 people talk

941
00:34:06,988 --> 00:34:09,375
popped into my brain then I'm like, yeah.

942
00:34:09,549 --> 00:34:10,447
They have lifelong

943
00:34:11,699 --> 00:34:12,199
challenges

944
00:34:13,450 --> 00:34:15,918
and health issues as result from living in

945
00:34:15,918 --> 00:34:16,157
that,

946
00:34:18,484 --> 00:34:19,762
active state. Yeah.

947
00:34:20,881 --> 00:34:21,121
Yeah.

948
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:22,980
So

949
00:34:23,758 --> 00:34:24,898
let's talk about

950
00:34:25,277 --> 00:34:26,635
the fear continuum.

951
00:34:28,248 --> 00:34:30,401
I I think, and I think a lot

952
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,475
of people do as well. I know you

953
00:34:32,475 --> 00:34:35,266
do. I think that things like addiction. There's

954
00:34:35,266 --> 00:34:37,260
not a... Yes, no. It's not a light

955
00:34:37,260 --> 00:34:38,708
switch that flips on or off.

956
00:34:39,981 --> 00:34:42,685
Addiction is there's a progressive nature to that

957
00:34:42,685 --> 00:34:43,003
disease.

958
00:34:44,117 --> 00:34:46,849
You go from una addicted to whatever level

959
00:34:46,849 --> 00:34:48,369
of addiction you end up at,

960
00:34:49,090 --> 00:34:50,949
and it's it's a gradual

961
00:34:51,410 --> 00:34:52,289
decline, basically.

962
00:34:53,900 --> 00:34:54,400
And

963
00:34:54,777 --> 00:34:57,410
I think you could have varying levels of

964
00:34:57,410 --> 00:34:58,686
addiction to varying things.

965
00:34:59,403 --> 00:35:01,796
Obviously, alcohol really hit me in the sweet

966
00:35:01,796 --> 00:35:02,036
spot.

967
00:35:02,849 --> 00:35:06,130
It alcohol was very effective at dopamine hijacking

968
00:35:06,130 --> 00:35:06,449
for me.

969
00:35:07,089 --> 00:35:08,389
So my brain

970
00:35:08,769 --> 00:35:09,670
would reserve

971
00:35:10,143 --> 00:35:13,038
dopamine release only for when I drink alcohol

972
00:35:13,257 --> 00:35:15,652
eventually. That's another entirely different topic.

973
00:35:16,290 --> 00:35:16,790
But

974
00:35:17,647 --> 00:35:20,139
alcohol was something it was very easy for

975
00:35:20,139 --> 00:35:22,299
me to become addicted to. I only smoked

976
00:35:22,299 --> 00:35:23,179
weed a few times...

977
00:35:24,380 --> 00:35:26,380
But it never really hit me. It it

978
00:35:26,380 --> 00:35:27,673
didn't hit me in the sweep spot. It

979
00:35:27,673 --> 00:35:29,829
wasn't my thing. So it was easy for

980
00:35:29,829 --> 00:35:32,942
me to avoid a marijuana addiction because I

981
00:35:32,942 --> 00:35:35,098
just didn't really like how it felt.

982
00:35:36,709 --> 00:35:38,617
There... From what I'm seeing, there are 2

983
00:35:38,617 --> 00:35:40,604
reasons why it was easy for you to

984
00:35:40,604 --> 00:35:41,876
avoid an alcohol addiction.

985
00:35:42,671 --> 00:35:43,171
1

986
00:35:43,784 --> 00:35:45,692
is, I just don't think you had the

987
00:35:45,692 --> 00:35:46,764
underlying causes

988
00:35:47,141 --> 00:35:48,518
necessarily. You didn't have

989
00:35:49,134 --> 00:35:49,713
you were

990
00:35:50,090 --> 00:35:52,961
afraid all the time like I was. So

991
00:35:52,961 --> 00:35:55,127
there was less kinda driving you to need

992
00:35:55,127 --> 00:35:57,032
to self Medicate. But even if you did

993
00:35:57,032 --> 00:35:59,094
need to self Medicate, alcohol probably wasn't gonna

994
00:35:59,094 --> 00:36:01,578
be the thing you would have chosen because

995
00:36:01,792 --> 00:36:03,275
as you've shared before on the pod, can

996
00:36:03,394 --> 00:36:05,705
cast. You know, yeah. You enjoyed getting a

997
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:08,255
buzz. But after a couple of drinks, you

998
00:36:08,255 --> 00:36:10,088
started to worry about what the hangover was

999
00:36:10,088 --> 00:36:11,878
gonna feel like the stay, and

1000
00:36:12,255 --> 00:36:14,408
you didn't feel eu for as I've described

1001
00:36:14,408 --> 00:36:15,864
it, you felt more kinda,

1002
00:36:16,322 --> 00:36:17,757
light hitting and que and a little bit

1003
00:36:17,757 --> 00:36:19,885
out of control. Yeah. And I didn't like

1004
00:36:20,004 --> 00:36:21,993
that. But, I mean, it didn't stop me

1005
00:36:21,993 --> 00:36:25,176
from sure from getting plastered, You know, I

1006
00:36:25,176 --> 00:36:27,578
was younger. Yeah. But, yeah, I never I

1007
00:36:27,578 --> 00:36:30,363
always regretted it. There was, like, just regret

1008
00:36:30,363 --> 00:36:32,591
after about drinks 3 or 4. Yeah. For

1009
00:36:32,591 --> 00:36:34,501
anything more. So... Well, and so for me,

1010
00:36:34,740 --> 00:36:36,570
someone who's experienced a severe addiction.

1011
00:36:37,380 --> 00:36:38,732
I can look at other things in my

1012
00:36:38,732 --> 00:36:39,232
life

1013
00:36:39,845 --> 00:36:40,345
and

1014
00:36:41,117 --> 00:36:43,184
look at how addicted I am to them.

1015
00:36:43,740 --> 00:36:46,179
Obviously, with all this fear of losing things

1016
00:36:46,379 --> 00:36:47,118
we've already

1017
00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:48,533
worked so hard for,

1018
00:36:50,607 --> 00:36:52,304
like, a work addiction, work.

1019
00:36:52,681 --> 00:36:53,341
That's an

1020
00:36:53,653 --> 00:36:55,086
automatic no brainer. Of course,

1021
00:36:55,722 --> 00:36:56,780
I'm gonna do

1022
00:36:57,394 --> 00:36:59,304
I'm gonna do too much of the thing

1023
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:01,772
that I think is needed to hold on

1024
00:37:01,772 --> 00:37:03,125
to the things I'm afraid I'm gonna.

1025
00:37:03,617 --> 00:37:04,834
Mh. And

1026
00:37:05,289 --> 00:37:06,960
so many of the people that we've met

1027
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:10,167
through this work who had alcohol addiction also

1028
00:37:10,224 --> 00:37:10,724
have

1029
00:37:11,274 --> 00:37:13,337
you know, some kind of work related addiction,

1030
00:37:13,892 --> 00:37:16,217
and it makes perfect sense to me. If

1031
00:37:16,352 --> 00:37:18,335
they had a fear that drove their alcohol,

1032
00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:20,849
addiction that had something to do

1033
00:37:21,389 --> 00:37:21,889
with

1034
00:37:22,909 --> 00:37:23,409
accomplishment

1035
00:37:23,789 --> 00:37:24,289
or

1036
00:37:25,389 --> 00:37:26,369
accumulation or

1037
00:37:27,070 --> 00:37:27,284
or

1038
00:37:27,881 --> 00:37:30,109
financial stability, any of that, then obviously,

1039
00:37:30,905 --> 00:37:32,417
addiction is gonna be an easy place for

1040
00:37:32,417 --> 00:37:33,929
them to go for a addiction.

1041
00:37:34,963 --> 00:37:35,702
Have had

1042
00:37:36,808 --> 00:37:39,295
to varying degrees, some food related

1043
00:37:40,305 --> 00:37:41,974
you know, addictions. But when I say to

1044
00:37:41,974 --> 00:37:44,437
varying degrees, that's very important because I really

1045
00:37:44,437 --> 00:37:47,182
look at addiction as being on a continuum

1046
00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:48,119
on the 1 side,

1047
00:37:48,757 --> 00:37:49,815
you have no

1048
00:37:50,193 --> 00:37:51,949
addictive pull whatsoever, like,

1049
00:37:53,465 --> 00:37:56,182
so as I have never enjoyed sewing.

1050
00:37:56,897 --> 00:37:58,883
I've never thought, gosh if only I sold

1051
00:37:58,883 --> 00:37:59,201
more.

1052
00:38:00,075 --> 00:38:01,266
I would be more peaceful.

1053
00:38:02,140 --> 00:38:04,701
I've never thought about the joy that sewing

1054
00:38:04,701 --> 00:38:07,332
could bring. Even so cheap like me. I

1055
00:38:07,332 --> 00:38:08,687
haven't thought, gosh, if I learned to sew

1056
00:38:08,687 --> 00:38:10,681
so, I could save money on clothes. Like,

1057
00:38:10,999 --> 00:38:13,561
that is never clothes. Those. That has never...

1058
00:38:14,037 --> 00:38:16,681
Yeah. Been a pull for me whatsoever. So

1059
00:38:17,134 --> 00:38:19,040
when we think about addiction as a continuum,

1060
00:38:19,358 --> 00:38:21,501
you know, sewing is on 1 side and

1061
00:38:21,501 --> 00:38:23,499
alcohol on the other side for me, alcohol

1062
00:38:23,499 --> 00:38:26,195
is the sweet spot here. Like it is

1063
00:38:26,195 --> 00:38:29,392
for literally millions of us. Mh. And so

1064
00:38:29,685 --> 00:38:29,739
on

1065
00:38:30,659 --> 00:38:32,976
So... You know, And then... But that's not

1066
00:38:32,976 --> 00:38:34,414
even all the way on that side of

1067
00:38:34,414 --> 00:38:37,132
the continuum. Right? Because I could be an

1068
00:38:37,132 --> 00:38:38,970
end stage alcoholic, and I could die for

1069
00:38:38,970 --> 00:38:41,545
my addiction. And where I'm literally drinking around

1070
00:38:41,545 --> 00:38:41,945
the clock,

1071
00:38:42,505 --> 00:38:45,144
and I've stopped functioning. Otherwise, I've stopped going

1072
00:38:45,144 --> 00:38:47,760
to work. I've stopped self care. I've stopped

1073
00:38:47,958 --> 00:38:50,105
worrying about anything other than where I'm gonna

1074
00:38:50,105 --> 00:38:50,820
get my next drink.

1075
00:38:51,536 --> 00:38:52,036
So

1076
00:38:52,570 --> 00:38:54,103
you've got this big

1077
00:38:54,478 --> 00:38:56,568
spectrum, this big continuum that

1078
00:38:56,943 --> 00:38:57,420
alcohol lives on.

1079
00:38:58,469 --> 00:38:59,447
I believe

1080
00:39:00,140 --> 00:39:02,686
that fear is a continuum as well.

1081
00:39:03,481 --> 00:39:05,891
And on the 1 end, you've got fearless.

1082
00:39:06,759 --> 00:39:09,253
On the other end, you've got debilitating fear

1083
00:39:09,550 --> 00:39:12,022
and all these emotion words that we use,

1084
00:39:12,341 --> 00:39:13,319
they just live

1085
00:39:13,776 --> 00:39:16,604
somewhere on that continuum. And So

1086
00:39:17,621 --> 00:39:18,020
joy,

1087
00:39:18,579 --> 00:39:20,755
Euphoria, happiness, all these

1088
00:39:21,373 --> 00:39:23,927
emotions that we desire and that that we're

1089
00:39:23,927 --> 00:39:24,885
happy when we're in them,

1090
00:39:25,940 --> 00:39:27,699
Those are just a lack of fear. Those

1091
00:39:27,699 --> 00:39:28,440
are fearless.

1092
00:39:29,380 --> 00:39:29,539
Okay?

1093
00:39:30,339 --> 00:39:32,739
And on the other end, the debilitating fear

1094
00:39:32,739 --> 00:39:33,059
side,

1095
00:39:34,019 --> 00:39:35,412
you know, that this is where

1096
00:39:36,184 --> 00:39:36,684
sleepless

1097
00:39:37,456 --> 00:39:37,956
and,

1098
00:39:38,411 --> 00:39:39,308
you know, Paranoia

1099
00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:42,410
and just kinda terror and chaos

1100
00:39:43,103 --> 00:39:46,088
and trauma. It all lives on the super

1101
00:39:46,227 --> 00:39:46,727
fear

1102
00:39:47,106 --> 00:39:49,743
filled side of the continuum. And most of

1103
00:39:49,743 --> 00:39:52,195
my time is spent somewhere in between lives

1104
00:39:52,314 --> 00:39:54,706
but sadly, a little too far on the

1105
00:39:54,706 --> 00:39:55,184
fear side.

1106
00:39:56,460 --> 00:39:58,373
So I want your reaction? What is your

1107
00:39:58,373 --> 00:39:59,830
reaction to this theory

1108
00:40:00,446 --> 00:40:03,417
that I this hair brain theory that I've

1109
00:40:03,417 --> 00:40:05,894
got now that there's only 1 emotion. There

1110
00:40:05,894 --> 00:40:08,291
is fear and lack of fear,

1111
00:40:08,850 --> 00:40:11,039
and all the other ocean words we use

1112
00:40:11,096 --> 00:40:12,844
actually live somewhere on that continuum.

1113
00:40:17,549 --> 00:40:20,021
Well, usually, because I bat and swat down

1114
00:40:20,021 --> 00:40:22,173
every idea you have at first. That's just

1115
00:40:22,173 --> 00:40:23,369
my gut instinct.

1116
00:40:24,246 --> 00:40:25,624
But I also

1117
00:40:27,288 --> 00:40:29,590
I I get what you're saying for sure,

1118
00:40:30,623 --> 00:40:31,520
like it being

1119
00:40:31,973 --> 00:40:32,473
this

1120
00:40:33,481 --> 00:40:33,981
spectrum.

1121
00:40:35,245 --> 00:40:37,554
But I also would really be sad that

1122
00:40:37,554 --> 00:40:38,531
there isn't a

1123
00:40:38,986 --> 00:40:41,374
another side of the spectrum where there's, like,

1124
00:40:42,409 --> 00:40:45,074
you know, there stops the fearless,

1125
00:40:46,012 --> 00:40:48,889
and then it continues and fearless is like

1126
00:40:48,889 --> 00:40:50,727
middle point and then it continues on. No.

1127
00:40:51,286 --> 00:40:53,294
See the happier side. So you think there

1128
00:40:53,294 --> 00:40:55,519
need to be 2 emotions and fearless is

1129
00:40:55,519 --> 00:40:56,393
just the midpoint.

1130
00:40:58,380 --> 00:41:00,605
But I can see why fearless would

1131
00:41:01,894 --> 00:41:04,934
allow all those other good positive sides. So,

1132
00:41:05,015 --> 00:41:07,675
yeah, I guess look... Let's let's look at

1133
00:41:07,735 --> 00:41:08,235
what,

1134
00:41:08,695 --> 00:41:10,704
you know, 1 of them... Reasons it was

1135
00:41:10,704 --> 00:41:12,079
so hard to quit drinking

1136
00:41:12,454 --> 00:41:12,954
was

1137
00:41:13,489 --> 00:41:15,557
when I would describe the Euphoria I would

1138
00:41:15,557 --> 00:41:16,773
feel, which was usually

1139
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,511
about 2 Ipa and new... Like, if I

1140
00:41:20,511 --> 00:41:22,663
was gonna drink for the night after about

1141
00:41:22,663 --> 00:41:23,540
2 Ipa,

1142
00:41:24,337 --> 00:41:26,340
I would start to feel this eu euphoria

1143
00:41:26,340 --> 00:41:28,324
feel. I know you're you're gag at the

1144
00:41:28,324 --> 00:41:30,229
side of drink 2 Ipa because you don't

1145
00:41:30,229 --> 00:41:32,664
like the bitterness of the Ipa. Yeah. To

1146
00:41:32,863 --> 00:41:35,082
But about 2 in, I would start to

1147
00:41:35,082 --> 00:41:36,667
feel this eu historic feeling.

1148
00:41:37,697 --> 00:41:39,862
It I mean, that was

1149
00:41:40,329 --> 00:41:43,042
good as I've ever felt, honestly, that's sad

1150
00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:45,436
and pathetic to say. I felt that way

1151
00:41:45,436 --> 00:41:47,590
for other things. I felt that way with...

1152
00:41:47,830 --> 00:41:49,913
For as things with our kids, I felt

1153
00:41:49,913 --> 00:41:52,059
that way for things in our relationship. I...

1154
00:41:52,854 --> 00:41:53,251
Occasionally,

1155
00:41:54,126 --> 00:41:56,128
although I live, spend a lot of of

1156
00:41:56,128 --> 00:41:57,960
my high school coaching days on the fear

1157
00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:58,915
side of the spectrum,

1158
00:41:59,473 --> 00:42:02,578
I have occasionally felt that way about something

1159
00:42:02,578 --> 00:42:04,170
that's has happened on the soccer field. Since

1160
00:42:04,170 --> 00:42:06,417
you have quit drinking. Yeah. Yeah. So there

1161
00:42:06,417 --> 00:42:08,490
are places where I feel that euphoria,

1162
00:42:09,128 --> 00:42:12,417
but when I think about it, it's this

1163
00:42:12,809 --> 00:42:14,560
you know, uni uninhabited,

1164
00:42:15,197 --> 00:42:17,823
like, nothing can phase me kind of a

1165
00:42:17,823 --> 00:42:20,051
feeling. Mh. And that's... I mean, think about

1166
00:42:20,051 --> 00:42:21,602
how this, plays into

1167
00:42:22,297 --> 00:42:23,913
why people get in trouble

1168
00:42:24,529 --> 00:42:25,029
drinking

1169
00:42:25,645 --> 00:42:26,203
addiction or not.

1170
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:28,489
They have a few drinks, and then they

1171
00:42:28,609 --> 00:42:30,754
do stupid shit that they otherwise wouldn't do.

1172
00:42:31,310 --> 00:42:32,820
Why do you think they do stupid shit?

1173
00:42:34,091 --> 00:42:37,684
Because they're fear because they're fearless. No ambitions.

1174
00:42:38,163 --> 00:42:38,882
No inhibition.

1175
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:42,238
And so when there is that lack of

1176
00:42:42,238 --> 00:42:44,769
fear, there's also all this room for youth

1177
00:42:45,050 --> 00:42:46,890
you know, I keep using the word euphoria,

1178
00:42:47,449 --> 00:42:48,809
just blissful joy.

1179
00:42:49,530 --> 00:42:49,929
Mh.

1180
00:42:50,570 --> 00:42:52,570
I don't know. I'm asking you to react

1181
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,602
to something that I'm just presenting to you,

1182
00:42:54,895 --> 00:42:56,799
you know, live and unfiltered. So I think

1183
00:42:56,799 --> 00:42:58,227
it's kind of unfair for me to ask

1184
00:42:58,227 --> 00:42:58,386
you.

1185
00:42:59,179 --> 00:42:59,734
That's okay.

1186
00:43:01,177 --> 00:43:01,813
Yeah. I just...

1187
00:43:02,766 --> 00:43:03,981
I I feel like

1188
00:43:05,626 --> 00:43:07,476
there are also levels

1189
00:43:08,724 --> 00:43:09,042
of...

1190
00:43:09,774 --> 00:43:11,529
Contentment and happiness and joy,

1191
00:43:12,327 --> 00:43:14,242
and it's kind of ironic that me, the

1192
00:43:14,242 --> 00:43:16,099
pe is kind of

1193
00:43:16,476 --> 00:43:19,443
going and in the opposite direction. I feel

1194
00:43:19,443 --> 00:43:21,996
like that's another side because there are people

1195
00:43:21,996 --> 00:43:22,713
that have, like,

1196
00:43:23,591 --> 00:43:26,702
extreme, you know, exuberance and and just our

1197
00:43:26,702 --> 00:43:28,652
very joy full. And,

1198
00:43:29,349 --> 00:43:31,026
you know, and maybe they're living a really

1199
00:43:31,026 --> 00:43:32,861
shitty, fearful life, but it's just who they

1200
00:43:32,861 --> 00:43:33,101
are.

1201
00:43:33,739 --> 00:43:34,958
Like, they're really positive.

1202
00:43:35,829 --> 00:43:37,510
Well, I think those are the big pendulum

1203
00:43:37,510 --> 00:43:40,789
swing. Right? Yeah. You sometimes feel ex zoo

1204
00:43:40,789 --> 00:43:41,289
and

1205
00:43:41,670 --> 00:43:42,389
extra joyful,

1206
00:43:42,869 --> 00:43:45,593
but I... Guarantee somewhere behind closed doors those

1207
00:43:45,593 --> 00:43:48,003
people are feeling the debilitating,

1208
00:43:48,697 --> 00:43:51,005
you know, grip of fear. Yeah. Because you

1209
00:43:51,005 --> 00:43:52,836
can't have... You can't go high on 1

1210
00:43:52,836 --> 00:43:53,968
side of a without going high on the

1211
00:43:53,968 --> 00:43:56,445
other side sometimes. Yeah. We learned that from

1212
00:43:56,445 --> 00:43:57,344
doctor Anna.

1213
00:43:57,723 --> 00:44:01,335
Yeah. Dopamine nation, look at me accurately attributing

1214
00:44:01,335 --> 00:44:02,934
something. You know, I didn't even have to

1215
00:44:02,934 --> 00:44:05,574
research Just recalled that so well. I love

1216
00:44:05,574 --> 00:44:07,094
her travel love her book Out of you.

1217
00:44:07,414 --> 00:44:08,135
Yeah. I've just...

1218
00:44:09,175 --> 00:44:11,522
I'm know. It just seems kind of

1219
00:44:12,057 --> 00:44:12,557
sad

1220
00:44:13,014 --> 00:44:13,832
in a way

1221
00:44:14,208 --> 00:44:16,518
that we describe it, like, you know, that

1222
00:44:16,518 --> 00:44:18,644
there's only fear is 1 emotion and don't

1223
00:44:18,764 --> 00:44:21,795
here's the driver for all the other emotions.

1224
00:44:22,274 --> 00:44:24,188
I just kind of like of imagining like

1225
00:44:24,188 --> 00:44:25,065
a za bon,

1226
00:44:25,544 --> 00:44:27,240
like driving around the,

1227
00:44:27,617 --> 00:44:29,942
like, oh, when you're fearing fearful today. So

1228
00:44:29,942 --> 00:44:31,453
we're gonna put you over in this penalty

1229
00:44:31,453 --> 00:44:33,521
box and you're gonna live with anxiety over

1230
00:44:33,521 --> 00:44:35,843
here and maybe it's also because I saw

1231
00:44:35,843 --> 00:44:37,509
it inside out too. Did that a am

1232
00:44:37,509 --> 00:44:38,858
bon and inside out to? They don't have

1233
00:44:38,858 --> 00:44:40,841
a za bon but should place hockey. And

1234
00:44:40,841 --> 00:44:41,952
then, like,

1235
00:44:43,063 --> 00:44:45,620
over here saw you know, you're scoring goal

1236
00:44:45,620 --> 00:44:46,120
and,

1237
00:44:46,813 --> 00:44:47,211
you know,

1238
00:44:48,006 --> 00:44:48,506
and

1239
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:50,551
I don't know. I do. I mean sports

1240
00:44:50,551 --> 00:44:52,951
is a great example, Sherry. I mean, talk

1241
00:44:52,951 --> 00:44:55,196
about something that has inhalation and heartbreak.

1242
00:44:55,807 --> 00:44:59,640
Mh. I mean, the pendulum swings hard in

1243
00:44:59,696 --> 00:45:00,410
athletic endeavors.

1244
00:45:01,379 --> 00:45:04,112
And so ugh, maybe that's why,

1245
00:45:04,808 --> 00:45:06,802
you know, about half of the Us population

1246
00:45:06,802 --> 00:45:08,157
is addicted to sports 1 way or the

1247
00:45:08,157 --> 00:45:09,832
other, whether it's playing it or watching it

1248
00:45:09,832 --> 00:45:11,123
or betting on it or Mh.

1249
00:45:11,842 --> 00:45:13,918
Or just using as an excuse to drink

1250
00:45:13,918 --> 00:45:15,514
beer. I mean, I think there's a reason

1251
00:45:15,514 --> 00:45:16,174
why it's

1252
00:45:16,712 --> 00:45:18,069
it's a part of it. It's that pendulum.

1253
00:45:18,228 --> 00:45:20,199
I'm so Yeah. I would be really or

1254
00:45:20,478 --> 00:45:22,095
interested to learn and,

1255
00:45:22,871 --> 00:45:24,626
you know, and to think about that more.

1256
00:45:25,025 --> 00:45:26,881
I mean, you say it's sad

1257
00:45:27,577 --> 00:45:28,077
that

1258
00:45:28,534 --> 00:45:31,121
I think I think you're you you're perhaps

1259
00:45:31,415 --> 00:45:32,845
locking in on the fact that fear is

1260
00:45:32,845 --> 00:45:35,148
a negative emotion and you're saying. It's sad

1261
00:45:35,148 --> 00:45:36,735
that the only thing there is a negative

1262
00:45:36,735 --> 00:45:38,880
thing. Yeah. But then also that's the negative

1263
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,965
thing is you're is is a positive thing.

1264
00:45:41,284 --> 00:45:43,358
And there is a there is a good

1265
00:45:43,358 --> 00:45:45,271
level of fearing things. I mean,

1266
00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:48,063
you know, like, I for 1 will not

1267
00:45:48,063 --> 00:45:48,563
surf

1268
00:45:49,353 --> 00:45:51,021
because for 1, I'm getting too old now,

1269
00:45:51,260 --> 00:45:53,881
but I have a very strong fear of

1270
00:45:53,881 --> 00:45:54,755
sharks in the water.

1271
00:45:55,947 --> 00:45:58,428
Like been in the ocean before. Half. But

1272
00:45:58,507 --> 00:46:00,980
But not out on a surfboard. No. In

1273
00:46:00,980 --> 00:46:02,974
in the in the shark zone. Yeah. Yeah.

1274
00:46:03,453 --> 00:46:05,069
Yeah. You know? So

1275
00:46:05,766 --> 00:46:07,815
a navy also because I'm watching Shark week

1276
00:46:07,934 --> 00:46:08,593
and their.

1277
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:11,035
It is the summer... It is the summer.

1278
00:46:11,274 --> 00:46:13,182
So, you know, I mean, there is... But

1279
00:46:13,182 --> 00:46:15,648
there is a healthy level of fear that

1280
00:46:15,807 --> 00:46:18,367
I do have appreciate and get. I just,

1281
00:46:18,526 --> 00:46:20,697
you know, also coming off of the podcast

1282
00:46:21,231 --> 00:46:21,947
with Lori,

1283
00:46:22,583 --> 00:46:24,267
I think you said was 02:48,

1284
00:46:25,061 --> 00:46:27,365
thinking of all the words that are other

1285
00:46:27,365 --> 00:46:27,865
descriptors

1286
00:46:28,557 --> 00:46:29,375
than just

1287
00:46:29,748 --> 00:46:31,908
then just happy or sad. It was And

1288
00:46:32,067 --> 00:46:32,806
I remember

1289
00:46:33,260 --> 00:46:36,543
doing some research about the my anger

1290
00:46:37,157 --> 00:46:37,474
issues,

1291
00:46:38,031 --> 00:46:40,179
and this was, like, before I think you

1292
00:46:40,179 --> 00:46:40,996
even had

1293
00:46:42,264 --> 00:46:45,460
like, try sobriety wants for 6 months. But...

1294
00:46:45,939 --> 00:46:47,478
And it talked about how

1295
00:46:48,177 --> 00:46:49,396
anger is often

1296
00:46:50,347 --> 00:46:51,461
covering up fear.

1297
00:46:52,178 --> 00:46:53,235
And so I did

1298
00:46:54,169 --> 00:46:56,081
I did relate to that a lot. Yeah.

1299
00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:58,605
You know? I was angry because I was

1300
00:46:58,724 --> 00:47:01,846
fearful of your behavior or your reaction or

1301
00:47:01,981 --> 00:47:03,332
or the home life or how you were

1302
00:47:03,332 --> 00:47:04,921
gonna, you know, treat us.

1303
00:47:05,795 --> 00:47:08,193
So then I became defense of angry.

1304
00:47:09,145 --> 00:47:10,677
So I can I can

1305
00:47:11,447 --> 00:47:14,089
I can see it? I can... So in

1306
00:47:14,383 --> 00:47:16,622
justification of my overs simplification, there reason this

1307
00:47:16,622 --> 00:47:19,092
is, I think so important to me and

1308
00:47:19,092 --> 00:47:20,606
maybe nobody else in the whole world who

1309
00:47:20,606 --> 00:47:21,106
cares

1310
00:47:21,641 --> 00:47:22,141
is

1311
00:47:23,155 --> 00:47:26,349
it's like you can't fix the problem until

1312
00:47:26,349 --> 00:47:27,858
you can identify it. Mh.

1313
00:47:28,414 --> 00:47:28,914
And

1314
00:47:29,288 --> 00:47:31,768
being able to say, when I feel my

1315
00:47:31,768 --> 00:47:33,360
anxiety go up, 1 of the things that's

1316
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:35,270
interesting about sobriety for me is I can

1317
00:47:35,270 --> 00:47:36,248
actually feel

1318
00:47:37,021 --> 00:47:38,397
anxiety. I can feel

1319
00:47:39,250 --> 00:47:41,338
sometimes, you know, this happens to me early

1320
00:47:41,338 --> 00:47:42,934
in the morning when I first waking up,

1321
00:47:43,413 --> 00:47:45,568
and then something pops into my head that

1322
00:47:45,728 --> 00:47:47,643
I'm nervous about for that day. I can

1323
00:47:47,643 --> 00:47:49,894
feel adrenaline. I think it's I don't know.

1324
00:47:50,215 --> 00:47:52,135
I could feel something surged through my body

1325
00:47:52,295 --> 00:47:53,335
I'm pretty sure it's adrenaline.

1326
00:47:54,055 --> 00:47:54,795
And so

1327
00:47:55,255 --> 00:47:57,588
that's an awareness that I didn't... Have back

1328
00:47:57,588 --> 00:48:00,066
when I was drinking, it actually surged much

1329
00:48:00,066 --> 00:48:02,143
worse back when I was drinking, I'd wake

1330
00:48:02,143 --> 00:48:03,581
up in panic attacks in the middle of

1331
00:48:03,581 --> 00:48:05,315
the night, but I I was too,

1332
00:48:06,309 --> 00:48:06,627
you know,

1333
00:48:08,855 --> 00:48:12,197
woven into my into and my addiction to

1334
00:48:12,197 --> 00:48:14,265
do any kind of self analysis like that

1335
00:48:14,265 --> 00:48:16,378
who But now I can feel

1336
00:48:16,757 --> 00:48:18,935
when anxiety is going up. I can feel

1337
00:48:18,994 --> 00:48:20,833
adrenaline surge. I can feel all of this

1338
00:48:20,833 --> 00:48:20,992
stuff.

1339
00:48:21,791 --> 00:48:22,291
And

1340
00:48:22,910 --> 00:48:23,605
what I've

1341
00:48:24,280 --> 00:48:24,780
recognized

1342
00:48:25,233 --> 00:48:25,971
as this

1343
00:48:26,344 --> 00:48:29,123
this thought has continued to develop in my

1344
00:48:29,123 --> 00:48:29,520
head is,

1345
00:48:30,315 --> 00:48:31,688
what a blessing it is

1346
00:48:32,300 --> 00:48:32,800
to

1347
00:48:33,590 --> 00:48:35,429
be able to say, okay, What am I

1348
00:48:35,429 --> 00:48:36,550
afraid of in this moment?

1349
00:48:37,110 --> 00:48:39,670
Instead of, okay, what's the emotion I'm feeling?

1350
00:48:40,244 --> 00:48:41,435
Where is it coming from,

1351
00:48:42,071 --> 00:48:44,216
you know, who's to blame? Is it in

1352
00:48:44,216 --> 00:48:45,351
the is it...

1353
00:48:45,963 --> 00:48:47,155
About the past? Is it...

1354
00:48:47,887 --> 00:48:50,115
Something I'm anticipating in the future. No. I

1355
00:48:50,115 --> 00:48:51,150
can go straight to...

1356
00:48:52,184 --> 00:48:53,856
I don't feel good right now. What am

1357
00:48:53,935 --> 00:48:54,890
I... What am I afraid of?

1358
00:48:56,025 --> 00:48:58,344
And it can be simple like I'm afraid

1359
00:48:58,344 --> 00:49:01,484
to reveal that the milestone is 500

1360
00:49:01,784 --> 00:49:02,844
survey results

1361
00:49:03,144 --> 00:49:05,469
because that feels significant to me, or it

1362
00:49:05,469 --> 00:49:07,399
can be as big as

1363
00:49:07,773 --> 00:49:08,750
there is

1364
00:49:09,124 --> 00:49:11,603
a tractor trailer out of control skin toward

1365
00:49:11,603 --> 00:49:12,319
me on the ice,

1366
00:49:13,036 --> 00:49:13,536
and,

1367
00:49:14,150 --> 00:49:15,366
you know, that's something

1368
00:49:15,742 --> 00:49:16,719
super tangible

1369
00:49:17,095 --> 00:49:19,027
that I need to be afraid of. Just

1370
00:49:19,085 --> 00:49:21,409
narrowing it down to fear makes it for

1371
00:49:21,409 --> 00:49:24,626
me, a lot easier to pinpoint and address

1372
00:49:25,244 --> 00:49:25,964
very quickly.

1373
00:49:26,922 --> 00:49:28,920
I mean, you... In order for this to

1374
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:30,234
work, I have to... Be

1375
00:49:30,849 --> 00:49:32,999
willing to acknowledge my own in insecurity and

1376
00:49:32,999 --> 00:49:34,534
willing to acknowledge that

1377
00:49:35,309 --> 00:49:36,981
I can sometimes be afraid of things that

1378
00:49:36,981 --> 00:49:39,144
other people aren't afraid of. Yeah. Like you.

1379
00:49:39,939 --> 00:49:41,313
I can be afraid of

1380
00:49:42,480 --> 00:49:44,545
You're afraid of me? Some... Like, no. I

1381
00:49:44,545 --> 00:49:46,634
can be afraid of some podcast

1382
00:49:47,007 --> 00:49:49,486
statistic that you don't know, you know, you

1383
00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,394
wouldn't know if it's a thousand or 10000000,

1384
00:49:52,667 --> 00:49:55,132
and I can be afraid of precisely what

1385
00:49:55,132 --> 00:49:57,779
it actually is. Mh. So

1386
00:49:58,169 --> 00:50:00,232
you know, a big part of this for

1387
00:50:00,232 --> 00:50:01,049
me is

1388
00:50:02,771 --> 00:50:03,271
acknowledging

1389
00:50:03,643 --> 00:50:05,804
that I'm afraid of things, you I shouldn't

1390
00:50:05,804 --> 00:50:07,820
be afraid. And actually, it's helping me

1391
00:50:08,199 --> 00:50:09,236
to work out of that.

1392
00:50:10,354 --> 00:50:13,467
Acknowledging the fear and pinpoint that it is

1393
00:50:13,467 --> 00:50:13,967
fear

1394
00:50:14,838 --> 00:50:16,823
is helping me to say that's a dumb

1395
00:50:16,823 --> 00:50:18,650
thing to be afraid of. Let's work on

1396
00:50:18,650 --> 00:50:19,840
not being afraid of that anymore.

1397
00:50:21,349 --> 00:50:23,572
Yeah. I think lots of faces over there.

1398
00:50:24,620 --> 00:50:26,608
Like they're seeing say. Yeah. They're very much

1399
00:50:26,608 --> 00:50:28,755
thinking. If they're not... It's not like, normally

1400
00:50:28,755 --> 00:50:30,584
where you're like, you're a dumbass. It's not

1401
00:50:30,584 --> 00:50:32,507
that face. I'm familiar with that. Face.

1402
00:50:34,251 --> 00:50:37,026
Now I just lost my train Thought. Mh

1403
00:50:37,184 --> 00:50:39,429
Well, I guess, I mean, it kinda

1404
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:41,493
weighs out... I know what I'm saying. When

1405
00:50:41,493 --> 00:50:42,851
you were talking about that,

1406
00:50:44,209 --> 00:50:46,148
like, kind of working through

1407
00:50:46,766 --> 00:50:49,357
what it is that's way worrying you and

1408
00:50:49,575 --> 00:50:51,751
what was making you feel that

1409
00:50:52,767 --> 00:50:55,720
anxiety and adrenaline rush and kinda naming it.

1410
00:50:56,054 --> 00:50:58,787
It makes me think of that podcast.

1411
00:50:59,404 --> 00:51:02,456
Was with Lori because it was talking about

1412
00:51:02,754 --> 00:51:04,827
naming the emotion you were having.

1413
00:51:06,754 --> 00:51:06,993
You know,

1414
00:51:08,583 --> 00:51:09,083
and

1415
00:51:09,617 --> 00:51:11,128
when you do put it through the lens

1416
00:51:11,128 --> 00:51:12,025
of fear

1417
00:51:12,797 --> 00:51:14,229
and all the different levels,

1418
00:51:15,024 --> 00:51:16,653
because a lot of words

1419
00:51:17,825 --> 00:51:18,940
that were on the list, and I don't

1420
00:51:18,940 --> 00:51:21,487
know how many of our listeners like, went

1421
00:51:21,487 --> 00:51:22,784
to the website to

1422
00:51:23,478 --> 00:51:25,636
to check it out check out the website

1423
00:51:25,636 --> 00:51:25,953
that was...

1424
00:51:26,904 --> 00:51:28,671
Where the list with the.

1425
00:51:29,281 --> 00:51:29,518
Yeah.

1426
00:51:30,707 --> 00:51:32,783
But it was... They were they were emotional

1427
00:51:32,783 --> 00:51:34,314
words that were all,

1428
00:51:34,686 --> 00:51:37,065
you know, some of them, yes. We're higher

1429
00:51:37,065 --> 00:51:38,255
up, like a ex ex,

1430
00:51:38,731 --> 00:51:39,048
Blissful.

1431
00:51:39,539 --> 00:51:40,039
And

1432
00:51:40,650 --> 00:51:42,317
And then you had, like, peaceful and calm.

1433
00:51:42,475 --> 00:51:43,983
Yeah. Kind of the other end of the

1434
00:51:43,983 --> 00:51:46,047
good side, but... Yeah. But more miles, You

1435
00:51:46,047 --> 00:51:47,635
know know? Exactly. Like, when we kind of

1436
00:51:47,635 --> 00:51:50,035
talked about that pendulum swing with that in

1437
00:51:50,035 --> 00:51:52,581
that call with Lori, that podcast with Laurie,

1438
00:51:52,979 --> 00:51:54,729
You know, the higher up and staying in

1439
00:51:54,729 --> 00:51:55,468
that middle

1440
00:51:55,922 --> 00:51:56,320
ground.

1441
00:51:57,116 --> 00:51:57,409
So

1442
00:51:58,004 --> 00:51:59,510
I, I mean... Yeah.

1443
00:52:01,016 --> 00:52:02,761
Because I think that there is a healthy

1444
00:52:02,761 --> 00:52:04,901
level of fear of things that keep us

1445
00:52:04,901 --> 00:52:06,134
safe if it's our

1446
00:52:06,833 --> 00:52:09,730
instincts or whatnot. But then when we get

1447
00:52:10,908 --> 00:52:11,408
2

1448
00:52:12,346 --> 00:52:13,599
anxiety driven and

1449
00:52:15,313 --> 00:52:18,024
worried about something and fearful of something.

1450
00:52:18,821 --> 00:52:19,879
I can see how

1451
00:52:20,734 --> 00:52:22,603
processing that and really working

1452
00:52:23,058 --> 00:52:24,433
that out? Like, what's

1453
00:52:24,968 --> 00:52:26,320
what's the fear that I have?

1454
00:52:27,355 --> 00:52:29,662
You know, you were talking about, like, what

1455
00:52:29,662 --> 00:52:31,828
is that fear that I'm having experiencing right

1456
00:52:31,828 --> 00:52:34,065
now that's making me have those different words

1457
00:52:34,065 --> 00:52:36,403
like, worry and concern and anger and

1458
00:52:39,034 --> 00:52:39,594
Yeah. Yeah.

1459
00:52:40,234 --> 00:52:41,934
So we talked about the

1460
00:52:42,634 --> 00:52:43,454
the guru,

1461
00:52:43,755 --> 00:52:44,815
the popular

1462
00:52:46,554 --> 00:52:48,507
acknowledgement that there is of

1463
00:52:49,756 --> 00:52:52,221
emotions and emotional intelligence. We talked about B

1464
00:52:52,300 --> 00:52:52,619
Brown.

1465
00:52:53,334 --> 00:52:54,129
We talked about,

1466
00:52:55,242 --> 00:52:55,481
you know,

1467
00:52:56,291 --> 00:52:58,541
psychologists on Instagram videos that'll

1468
00:52:58,915 --> 00:53:00,426
cover emotions, things like that.

1469
00:53:01,221 --> 00:53:02,755
So that's identifying

1470
00:53:03,686 --> 00:53:04,481
the emotions,

1471
00:53:05,118 --> 00:53:08,667
but let's close with talking about what

1472
00:53:09,046 --> 00:53:11,704
the popular way of addressing

1473
00:53:12,083 --> 00:53:13,702
and taking care of

1474
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:16,487
those insecure feelings those emotions.

1475
00:53:17,679 --> 00:53:18,179
Everything

1476
00:53:18,712 --> 00:53:20,936
points toward staying in the present,

1477
00:53:23,178 --> 00:53:24,157
Instagram psychologists,

1478
00:53:25,890 --> 00:53:27,166
all the major religions,

1479
00:53:27,804 --> 00:53:28,304
most,

1480
00:53:28,681 --> 00:53:30,297
you know, big time philosophers,

1481
00:53:30,914 --> 00:53:33,084
going back to the beginning of recorded history,

1482
00:53:33,723 --> 00:53:35,322
talk about staying in the present.

1483
00:53:36,201 --> 00:53:37,559
Let's think about why that is.

1484
00:53:38,758 --> 00:53:41,475
If you're not fixated on the past,

1485
00:53:43,006 --> 00:53:43,325
you know,

1486
00:53:44,202 --> 00:53:45,317
you can't have...

1487
00:53:46,035 --> 00:53:48,266
You don't spend all your time being afraid

1488
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:51,148
of repeating those mistakes. Or afraid of what

1489
00:53:51,148 --> 00:53:52,921
those mistakes have done to you

1490
00:53:53,693 --> 00:53:54,193
or,

1491
00:53:54,568 --> 00:53:57,010
you know, being afraid of how your reputation

1492
00:53:57,049 --> 00:53:59,681
has been damaged or how your life isn't

1493
00:53:59,681 --> 00:54:01,277
as full as you thought it would be

1494
00:54:01,277 --> 00:54:02,713
because of these things you've done in the

1495
00:54:02,713 --> 00:54:04,148
past fear of the things you've done in

1496
00:54:04,148 --> 00:54:04,627
the past.

1497
00:54:05,743 --> 00:54:08,068
Likewise staying in the present sense you from

1498
00:54:08,068 --> 00:54:09,284
looking forward with

1499
00:54:09,659 --> 00:54:09,898
anticipation.

1500
00:54:10,853 --> 00:54:11,353
And,

1501
00:54:11,887 --> 00:54:14,609
you know, anticipation can go either. Right? It

1502
00:54:14,609 --> 00:54:17,166
can be... You can be anticipating something bad

1503
00:54:17,166 --> 00:54:19,962
happening, or you can anticipate some kind of

1504
00:54:19,962 --> 00:54:20,921
joyful event.

1505
00:54:22,214 --> 00:54:23,990
That would be fear and fearless.

1506
00:54:24,846 --> 00:54:26,063
But all the

1507
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:29,492
pop culture advice and pop psychology advice

1508
00:54:29,949 --> 00:54:32,534
and religious advice, all the major religions

1509
00:54:33,065 --> 00:54:33,857
stay in the present.

1510
00:54:34,966 --> 00:54:36,947
It's a lot harder to be afraid in

1511
00:54:36,947 --> 00:54:37,422
the present.

1512
00:54:39,663 --> 00:54:41,259
If you and I are sitting here having

1513
00:54:41,259 --> 00:54:43,674
this conversation, and I'm blocked in on the

1514
00:54:43,733 --> 00:54:44,233
conversation

1515
00:54:44,771 --> 00:54:46,947
because I need to concentrate to

1516
00:54:47,578 --> 00:54:49,487
share thoughts and to listen to your ideas.

1517
00:54:50,362 --> 00:54:51,953
There's not room for being afraid.

1518
00:54:53,146 --> 00:54:55,148
We can hit stop on the podcast, and

1519
00:54:55,227 --> 00:54:57,289
I can immediately go right back to worrying

1520
00:54:57,289 --> 00:54:57,789
about,

1521
00:54:58,399 --> 00:54:59,113
you know, some...

1522
00:54:59,827 --> 00:55:01,492
1 of the many things that I sit

1523
00:55:01,492 --> 00:55:03,647
around to worry about all but it's really

1524
00:55:03,647 --> 00:55:04,147
hard

1525
00:55:04,518 --> 00:55:06,341
to be afraid when I'm locked in on

1526
00:55:06,341 --> 00:55:08,639
the present. Does that make sense? Yeah.

1527
00:55:09,844 --> 00:55:12,077
Yeah. And I mean, I I feel like

1528
00:55:12,077 --> 00:55:14,470
the whole time we've been kind of discussing

1529
00:55:14,470 --> 00:55:17,501
this, like the word anxiety keeps popping up

1530
00:55:17,501 --> 00:55:19,550
because I think that that's such a fear

1531
00:55:20,546 --> 00:55:22,777
based and fear driven.

1532
00:55:24,610 --> 00:55:26,386
I don't wanna call it a feeling.

1533
00:55:28,130 --> 00:55:29,714
I don't... What do you call? I mean,

1534
00:55:30,110 --> 00:55:31,719
I'm trying to I mean, anxiety is certainly

1535
00:55:32,170 --> 00:55:34,072
a part of the nervous system. Yeah. So

1536
00:55:34,230 --> 00:55:34,840
III

1537
00:55:35,038 --> 00:55:36,231
mean, I'm trying to think of the word

1538
00:55:36,231 --> 00:55:37,027
and I can't think of the word right

1539
00:55:37,027 --> 00:55:37,901
now. Not emotion?

1540
00:55:39,173 --> 00:55:40,844
No because I think it's more than an

1541
00:55:40,844 --> 00:55:42,514
emotion. I think it's an action that's a...

1542
00:55:42,991 --> 00:55:45,005
It's a nervous system thing. It, like... Yeah.

1543
00:55:45,164 --> 00:55:47,805
There's there's hormones that are being released on

1544
00:55:47,805 --> 00:55:48,125
body.

1545
00:55:49,085 --> 00:55:49,985
Yeah. It's

1546
00:55:50,285 --> 00:55:51,919
how much of that is is,

1547
00:55:52,534 --> 00:55:55,002
you know, and that's the some of that

1548
00:55:55,002 --> 00:55:55,502
advice

1549
00:55:55,878 --> 00:55:57,015
for people with

1550
00:55:57,391 --> 00:55:59,541
anxiety is, like, trying to... Stay in the

1551
00:55:59,541 --> 00:56:01,545
press day on the present and and get

1552
00:56:01,545 --> 00:56:03,852
your kind of, like, calming, like, learning those

1553
00:56:03,852 --> 00:56:05,761
calming techniques if you don't have to be

1554
00:56:05,761 --> 00:56:08,978
on medication for unless you are actively presently

1555
00:56:09,114 --> 00:56:10,067
swimming with sharks,

1556
00:56:10,623 --> 00:56:11,519
it is hard

1557
00:56:11,893 --> 00:56:14,434
to be afraid in the present for the

1558
00:56:14,434 --> 00:56:16,181
majority of most of our days.

1559
00:56:16,913 --> 00:56:18,987
There are certainly bad things that happen and

1560
00:56:18,987 --> 00:56:21,221
in real time in the present, you can

1561
00:56:21,221 --> 00:56:21,859
be terrified.

1562
00:56:22,577 --> 00:56:24,906
But you know it's hard to get locked

1563
00:56:24,906 --> 00:56:26,524
in and stay in

1564
00:56:26,981 --> 00:56:28,019
terror. Mh.

1565
00:56:28,577 --> 00:56:29,535
When you're in the present.

1566
00:56:30,652 --> 00:56:31,152
So

1567
00:56:32,343 --> 00:56:34,358
Yeah. And then when all of this advice

1568
00:56:34,496 --> 00:56:35,315
to handling

1569
00:56:36,251 --> 00:56:38,564
of all the emotions, and all of this

1570
00:56:38,564 --> 00:56:41,217
advice to to keeping your nervous system regulated.

1571
00:56:41,849 --> 00:56:43,914
I think it's all really important and it's

1572
00:56:43,914 --> 00:56:46,161
really act accurate. I just think

1573
00:56:47,012 --> 00:56:49,952
it maybe, you know, I again, just at

1574
00:56:49,952 --> 00:56:50,244
the

1575
00:56:50,761 --> 00:56:52,669
risk of overs simplifying, which is my favorite

1576
00:56:52,669 --> 00:56:53,487
thing to do

1577
00:56:53,941 --> 00:56:56,961
is just about staying away from fear. And

1578
00:56:56,961 --> 00:57:00,155
the reason this this kind after this,

1579
00:57:01,427 --> 00:57:04,050
you know, considering this is so important is

1580
00:57:04,050 --> 00:57:04,550
because

1581
00:57:05,639 --> 00:57:08,065
because of the degree to which beer drives

1582
00:57:08,684 --> 00:57:11,105
the 2 scary things for people

1583
00:57:11,405 --> 00:57:13,824
dealing with alcoholism, whether they're the drinker

1584
00:57:14,125 --> 00:57:16,460
or the loved 1. Or the former drinker

1585
00:57:16,460 --> 00:57:17,739
and the loved 1.

1586
00:57:19,420 --> 00:57:21,019
Fear can drive relapse,

1587
00:57:22,380 --> 00:57:25,926
and and continued alcohol and fear can drive

1588
00:57:26,144 --> 00:57:29,494
getting stuck in nervous system activation and both

1589
00:57:29,494 --> 00:57:30,552
of those things

1590
00:57:31,009 --> 00:57:32,466
are serious threats

1591
00:57:33,018 --> 00:57:35,171
to your ability to survive. Mh.

1592
00:57:36,367 --> 00:57:37,106
And so

1593
00:57:38,121 --> 00:57:40,512
recognizing fear and then doing things to combat

1594
00:57:40,512 --> 00:57:42,994
the fear. And like Laurie said, back on

1595
00:57:42,994 --> 00:57:43,790
episode 02:48,

1596
00:57:45,221 --> 00:57:47,607
identifying it, you know, acknowledging it, putting a

1597
00:57:47,607 --> 00:57:48,664
finger on it

1598
00:57:49,038 --> 00:57:50,469
is more than half of the battle.

1599
00:57:51,598 --> 00:57:53,425
So when I sit and think, god, I

1600
00:57:53,425 --> 00:57:55,173
am worked up right now. What is going

1601
00:57:55,173 --> 00:57:57,422
on, I don't have to start from,

1602
00:57:58,431 --> 00:58:00,679
you know, what are of the many millions

1603
00:58:00,679 --> 00:58:02,593
of things that could possibly be bothering me

1604
00:58:02,593 --> 00:58:04,130
is this? And is it,

1605
00:58:04,746 --> 00:58:06,820
you know, what what is the emotion? I

1606
00:58:06,820 --> 00:58:09,224
can start with, okay. What am I afraid

1607
00:58:09,224 --> 00:58:09,383
of.

1608
00:58:10,255 --> 00:58:10,967
And for me,

1609
00:58:11,839 --> 00:58:13,344
it just seems a lot easier to get

1610
00:58:13,344 --> 00:58:14,320
to the answer

1611
00:58:14,692 --> 00:58:16,849
when the question is when Afraid of as

1612
00:58:16,849 --> 00:58:18,122
opposed to what am I feeling?

1613
00:58:18,758 --> 00:58:20,349
It's more specific. Mh.

1614
00:58:21,860 --> 00:58:22,655
Yeah? Yeah.

1615
00:58:23,451 --> 00:58:25,292
I think there's a chance there's something here?

1616
00:58:25,847 --> 00:58:28,778
Yeah. I think there's something here. K. I'm

1617
00:58:28,778 --> 00:58:29,516
not just

1618
00:58:30,125 --> 00:58:32,204
over here thinking about things. To.

1619
00:58:32,843 --> 00:58:33,482
I mean, because I...

1620
00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:36,358
It's kinda funny that you've put the word

1621
00:58:36,358 --> 00:58:38,809
fear in and 1 of the practices that

1622
00:58:40,041 --> 00:58:42,266
what I was really kinda working on anger

1623
00:58:42,266 --> 00:58:44,411
was, what am I angry with? Because we

1624
00:58:44,411 --> 00:58:46,024
have words, like, frustrated.

1625
00:58:46,734 --> 00:58:47,134
Annoyed,

1626
00:58:47,853 --> 00:58:48,353
angry,

1627
00:58:48,971 --> 00:58:49,471
upset

1628
00:58:50,010 --> 00:58:51,848
all these words. Murderous.

1629
00:58:52,487 --> 00:58:54,005
I, I don't think I've ever used that

1630
00:58:54,005 --> 00:58:55,058
1. But. Okay.

1631
00:58:56,657 --> 00:58:58,255
That kind of represent,

1632
00:58:59,133 --> 00:59:01,371
you know, anger and because we don't want

1633
00:59:01,371 --> 00:59:03,385
anger. Right? We that's kind of a bad

1634
00:59:03,385 --> 00:59:03,885
negative

1635
00:59:04,985 --> 00:59:05,224
kind...

1636
00:59:05,785 --> 00:59:07,144
It's supposed to be. I mean, You know,

1637
00:59:07,385 --> 00:59:09,385
always was. We're learning that. Now it's not.

1638
00:59:09,785 --> 00:59:12,037
But but, you know, and then when I

1639
00:59:12,037 --> 00:59:13,330
found out that

1640
00:59:13,940 --> 00:59:16,635
fear was a driving factor behind the anger.

1641
00:59:17,190 --> 00:59:18,776
So it's kind funny that you're, like, 1AM

1642
00:59:18,855 --> 00:59:20,857
I afraid. 1AM my fearful love right now

1643
00:59:20,857 --> 00:59:22,925
and you're walking through. I often have to

1644
00:59:22,925 --> 00:59:25,391
say, why am I so pissed off? Why

1645
00:59:25,391 --> 00:59:27,955
am I so angry? About this. What is

1646
00:59:27,955 --> 00:59:29,412
annoying me about

1647
00:59:29,869 --> 00:59:32,820
the situation? So I'm gonna I'm gonna try

1648
00:59:32,820 --> 00:59:34,575
that over the next few weeks, Like, put

1649
00:59:34,575 --> 00:59:36,584
it through the filter lens and use a

1650
00:59:36,584 --> 00:59:38,576
word of what am I... What is making

1651
00:59:38,576 --> 00:59:39,532
me fearful of that?

1652
00:59:40,408 --> 00:59:41,603
You know, I may have to say. Why

1653
00:59:41,603 --> 00:59:43,515
am I angry about it? What's what's the

1654
00:59:43,515 --> 00:59:44,015
fear?

1655
00:59:44,869 --> 00:59:47,593
Driving the anger? Yeah. That's great. And.

1656
00:59:47,992 --> 00:59:49,425
See how it goes. Yeah.

1657
00:59:50,063 --> 00:59:52,315
Please report back. There's a new person

1658
00:59:52,771 --> 00:59:53,965
starting at my job.

1659
00:59:55,493 --> 00:59:58,118
And since I am afraid of change and

1660
00:59:58,118 --> 00:59:58,913
fearful of change.

1661
00:59:59,550 --> 01:00:01,458
I... I'm gonna really try to pay attention

1662
01:00:01,458 --> 01:00:02,333
these next few weeks,

1663
01:00:03,049 --> 01:00:03,788
seeing if

1664
01:00:04,579 --> 01:00:06,420
if how I feel about things and how

1665
01:00:06,579 --> 01:00:09,460
I react and respond to maybe some changes

1666
01:00:09,460 --> 01:00:11,380
that are happening. And so rather than think

1667
01:00:11,380 --> 01:00:13,873
of think of this person makes me angry

1668
01:00:13,873 --> 01:00:15,389
and why did they make me angry? You're

1669
01:00:15,389 --> 01:00:17,782
gonna think what am I afraid of about

1670
01:00:17,782 --> 01:00:18,579
the way this person?

1671
01:00:19,137 --> 01:00:21,530
Yeah. I mean... And why is the change

1672
01:00:21,530 --> 01:00:24,096
making me fearful? I've been doing that only

1673
01:00:24,096 --> 01:00:27,753
just recently, I've started to have this kind

1674
01:00:27,753 --> 01:00:30,139
theory and thought, but I've been doing the

1675
01:00:30,139 --> 01:00:30,855
same thing, Sherry,

1676
01:00:31,570 --> 01:00:34,052
like, not why is this person pissing me

1677
01:00:34,052 --> 01:00:34,371
off.

1678
01:00:34,930 --> 01:00:36,445
But what am I afraid of about what

1679
01:00:36,445 --> 01:00:37,322
this person's doing?

1680
01:00:37,960 --> 01:00:40,353
I afraid that they're taking control in an

1681
01:00:40,353 --> 01:00:42,187
area where I think I deserve to have

1682
01:00:42,187 --> 01:00:42,985
control? Mh.

1683
01:00:44,034 --> 01:00:45,943
Am I afraid that they're gonna do it

1684
01:00:45,943 --> 01:00:48,250
so differently for me that it's gonna make

1685
01:00:48,250 --> 01:00:49,125
my life harder?

1686
01:00:50,254 --> 01:00:52,326
Or am I just being, you know, stubborn?

1687
01:00:52,804 --> 01:00:55,434
It's it's it has helped me. Mh.

1688
01:00:56,869 --> 01:00:59,193
I'm curious. Are you afraid that I'm never

1689
01:00:59,193 --> 01:01:01,739
gonna stop talking. Oh, I fear that every

1690
01:01:01,739 --> 01:01:02,239
day

1691
01:01:03,012 --> 01:01:05,002
every day. Well, I'm glad I was able

1692
01:01:05,002 --> 01:01:05,454
to

1693
01:01:06,372 --> 01:01:07,489
identify 1 of your biggest peers.

1694
01:01:10,519 --> 01:01:12,434
Before you go, we hope you'll consider these

1695
01:01:12,434 --> 01:01:13,311
3 resources.

1696
01:01:13,869 --> 01:01:16,036
If you love or loved an Alcoholic. We

1697
01:01:16,036 --> 01:01:18,260
offer support and connection in our echoes of

1698
01:01:18,260 --> 01:01:20,803
recovery group. Check us out at echoes of

1699
01:01:20,803 --> 01:01:23,504
recovery dot org. If you are a high

1700
01:01:23,504 --> 01:01:26,222
functioning alcohol, like seeking methods and connection in

1701
01:01:26,222 --> 01:01:27,097
early sobriety.

1702
01:01:27,654 --> 01:01:29,960
We're ready for you at shout sobriety dot

1703
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:32,559
org. No matter who you are. There's something

1704
01:01:32,679 --> 01:01:35,396
for you in our book. Sober revolution, evolve

1705
01:01:35,396 --> 01:01:38,591
into sobriety and recover your alcoholic marriage. Go

1706
01:01:38,591 --> 01:01:41,310
to sober revolution dot org. For my wife

1707
01:01:41,389 --> 01:01:44,321
Sherry Sal, I'm Matt Sal. Thanks for listening

1708
01:01:44,321 --> 01:01:45,930
to the intoxicated podcast.

1709
01:01:46,936 --> 01:01:47,063
I