Hello, kitties. It's your old pal, John Kucir,
the voice of the cryptkeeper,
and you're listening to
the bottom shelf.
Alright.
Man, that last movie was so terrible. I
need to watch I need something Spider Man
related. It's actually decent. They go play some
Spider Man 2. Where's my where's my Spider
Man 2 case? What what is the why
is it covered in webs? What there's a
note.
John.
Yeah. Yeah. What? What?
So force ghost Branson has left us a
gift.
Why why is it covered with spirit Halloween
webs? I you know, I don't know. Is
that silly string? What is happening here?
No. It's he said he found it at
the bottom of the dumpster.
And there's a nylon rope, a white nylon
rope wrapped around it. I'm very confused. It
It says,
thanks for letting me hang.
Watch this tonight, and, PS, I have my
own thoughts.
Why does this look so cheap? I thought
we're gonna do something good.
Prepare yourself to discover a world of terrible
movies.
High above the planet Geeker E, a group
of intrepid explorers
hover over the dangerous planet in their fabulous
super orbital spacecraft.
Their mission, to conduct a complete analysis of
movies known throughout the universe as Terrible.
So grab your space popcorn, grab your freeze
dried ice cream, and join us for today's
mission of discovery
and wonder.
Are these movies better than the galaxy thinks?
Or do they really belong
on the bottom shelf?
Hello, movie lovers and movie haters. Welcome to
the bottom shelf. A podcast is part of
the Geek Devotions podcast network of network of
podcasts are devoted to letting you know that
you love. So if you don't let us
pass this moment of this, we love you.
We care about you. There is a plan
and a purpose to your life. Do not
give up. And today, ladies and gentlemen,
not giving up. Today with me is my
good friend, my buddy,
the, the the the game master himself and
then a talented musician.
John, how are you?
You don't gotta lie to kick it, but
I appreciate
the comments nonetheless.
What's up, everybody?
So, ladies and gentlemen,
last episode,
we,
we watched the film, and we dumpster fired
it. I think.
Yes. We did. It it was a disputed
dumpster fire. You gave it a bottom shelf.
Bam and I both
Yeah. Torched it. Yes. And then Branson disappeared
into the ether as a blue force goes.
He went back over to the, Gundam Galaxy.
So Yeah. He's chilling over there. So,
I have some personality, so I'm in both
places at the same time. That being said,
ladies and gentlemen, he's I'm a hog. Half
man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.
But he's left us a a gift
here. Let me look at the, the what
does this say here?
The amazing
Spider Man. What? This doesn't look like Spider
Man. I know Spider Man. Doesn't look that
amazing either.
Oh,
John, this says it's from 1977.
Let me let me read this little little
info dump that we have here.
In 1977,
Marvel took a bold step into the small
screen world with the amazing Spider Man TV
series. To kick off the series, they produced
a made for TV film for everyone's favorite
web head. Oh,
made for TV film. Okay. Sorry.
Starring, we have Christopher Reeves at home, Nicholas
Hammond, a bewitched David White, a Dolph, and
Dolph Longman's boxing manager, Michael Pataki,
written by an ABC special writer,
Alvin
bore boret boret boret boretts? Borets? No.
I think it's burets. Burets.
Directed by the man who brought you the
hard hitting detective movie, Columbo.
Columbo goes to college.
Alright.
Read the back of the box. Alright.
When extortionist threatens to force multiple suicides unless
a huge ransom is paid.
Only Peter Parker can help him
with his new powers as Spider Man. Okay.
They don't really mince words on the back
of this box here. No. But, I mean,
it's it's a it's for a pitch? That's
a good pitch.
I mean, if I was in the elevator,
that'd be enough time to get the idea
across, I suppose.
Multi self unreliving.
Let me take a quick let me take
a quick look in our movie database
Okay. To see what trivia we can pull
out about this movie.
So apparently, this film was originally made as
a pilot for the TV show, but garnered
a theatrical release in a number of territories.
So this actually did make it into theaters.
That's a good sign. That's a good sign.
I'm hoping it is.
Peter's
schoolmate is wearing a Captain America shirt in
the lab in the scene where Peter gets
bitten by the radioactive
spider. So that's something to look out for.
That's interesting.
This pilot includes some of the few scenes
of Spidey actually swinging on his web line,
a costly and dangerous effect.
I doubt it's that either of those for
nowadays
standards, but I don't know. But at the
time, I'm sure. Yeah.
Unlike wall,
unlike wall climbing scenes in Batman 66,
which was the only
previous show to do this. Mhmm. Many shots
of Spider Man climbing buildings were done live
in downtown New York with invisible wires. Oh.
So they actually did have them moving up
a building instead of turning the camera sideways.
That's that's actually pretty cool.
Like most feature length pilots, a number of
changes occurred before the regular show was commissioned.
The characters of Jay Jonah Jameson and Aunt
May would be played by different actors in
the future.
Robbie Robertson was written out altogether,
and there would be scenes of Spidey swinging
across any skyscrapers, and the music would be
different.
And at one point in their early movie,
Spider Man is seen by security guards going
into doctor Banner's lab. Doctor Banner is actually
the alter ego of the Incredible Hulk. I
I wonder if that was supposed to be
a, like a, hey, we might have this
happen later.
You know, they did have the Incredible Hulk
TV show at the time with Lou Ferrigno,
so it would not shock me if they
had intended a crossover at some point. That
was pretty cool. They were both on the
same channel as well. Right. Alright. Well, through
the magic of podcasting, we have some community
outreach
about the film.
Let's see here.
We wanna just round robin it. Yeah. Sure.
Alright.
Nathan Joseph sitting Marchan.
I've never seen it.
Okay.
Okay. Well, thanks for your thoughts on this
movie.
Hopefully, that's not indicative of what we're about
to walk into, though. I know.
Well, our,
friend and inspiration
of this show,
Ben Ben Avery,
gave us a bit more of a rundown.
Quick we'll do a summary of he he
he said a lot, folks.
This is a doctoral dissertation he gave us.
For real. He said he watched this movie
in 1977,
and I remember
one scene specifically,
but I also remember sitting in the living
room amazed.
The effects were surprisingly
mid level for 19 seventies TV.
So as a lad, it engaged the imagination,
and as an adult, it engaged the nostalgia.
Okay.
But as a work of 19 seventies TV,
it is above average output action effects wise.
That was hindered when CBS apparently didn't want
to be known as a superhero network, something
I've read about as an adult. All I
knew as a kid was I liked those
shows, and sometimes TV shows disappear
and never heard from again.
But I also was in Canada, so it
wasn't even CBS for me.
I have an idea
for a season of up from the ashes
podcast to explore superhero TV pilots,
maybe crossing streams with Welcome to Level 7,
the unofficial Marvel Cinematic Universe podcast.
Too many ideas, too little time. But Spider
Man live action is one of those memories
from childhood in Canada, like Star Lost, which
we covered on Up From the Ashes,
that stands as a memory impacting my development
into
a nerd as a wee lad. By the
way, I have zero qualms with the fact
that we just gave Ben Ben several shout
outs for his his shows. Check out Up
From the Ashes,
and also welcome to level 7.
Real talk, people. If it wasn't for Ben
Ben Avery, you wouldn't be hearing me right
now because he was the man who inspired
me to podcast. So Yeah. Some of his
early stuff was actually like some of the
stuff I studied to develop deep devotions in
the early days. Let me read,
Dale's,
because if I were to read the next
one, it would just be weird.
So, Dale,
fan and friend of the podcast,
the series was a tad better and a
little bit more fun than this pilot.
Fair. Fair. So Alright. Some,
Viking dude named John Harju,
Oh, are you? He says,
not my j j j.
And then he also goes, oh, yes. Back
in the day when radiation gave you more
than just cancer.
I mean, facts.
I mean, how old were you when you
before you realized radiation couldn't give you superpowers?
Right? That was a legitimate a talking point
people had about, like like, everyone got their
superpowers through some form of radiation
in some fashion. I mean, even Superman's powers
are technically from radiation.
I mean, it's it's surprising more people aren't
throwing themselves in a particle accelerator. It's all
I'm saying.
Drake
Drake Tungsten says, saw this as a kid
back in 1980,
probably.
I was into Spider Man and thought it
was great. It holds up better than the
19 sixties cartoon, the original
the origin of the excellent song. Interesting.
And then
f n spider fan
also has Branson.
He goes, I have the VHS tape with
Nicholas Hammond's Spider Man that I would watch
repeatedly.
It was the first live action Spider man
I ever knew. There's so there's a lot
of nostalgia
for it despite
the flaw. Alright.
So
now for lower expectations.
Don't sue us, NBC.
Dallas, why don't you go first being as
I think you're probably a little bit more
familiar with this property than I am. So,
I I am a fan of Spider Man.
In fact, I almost wore my my, Scarlet
Spider hoodie,
for the show today. And the listeners would
totally be able to tell. Oh, yeah. Well,
I would have said I wore my Scarlet
Spider hoodie. Shout out to my home dude,
John Frutiger, for hooking me up with it,
hooking me up with it. But,
the, so I I I know spider lore
pretty well,
and,
I know what Spider Man was like back
in the seventies.
So,
I'm trying to
limit
my thought processes on that because
I also know how TV series like to
change things
because they don't wanna deal with certain things.
I have
vague, and I mean super vague recollections
of some of this, but I don't know
if it was this movie or the TV
show. Like, I remember being a kid at
my grandparents' house seeing some of this on
TV. And I also remember,
when at my own house watching it and
it just being on and being like, oh,
wow. Spider Man. So,
my expectations are like, okay. Hopefully, this is
gonna be good, but at the same time
and sorry for everyone who's older than me.
Seventies storytelling is terrible,
and so I am not excited about the
storytelling.
So that's fine. Fair enough.
As far as my expectations are concerned,
I heard about this movie for the first
time when we did the
pilot movie for the Captain America
Yes.
2 years ago.
And so
the initial
information I got when people were talking about
this movie was
it's not great. And then
people told me it was also a pilot
for a TV show from the 19 seventies.
I'm like, oh, no.
He said, oh, no.
So
I'm
expecting
cornball cheese.
Yeah. And to be perfectly honest, I I'm
almost expecting it to run the same pattern
as Batman 66 where it starts out good,
and then it gets boring, and it ends
good. I can see that. As as your
wife so aptly
stated when we did the,
Batman 66 episode. So And that's that again,
that is kind of a staple of
sixties, seventies storytelling where there's Mhmm. Get your
attention, and then there's a lot of dissertation
because they're still they're still trying to figure
out how to talk in
movies.
Even though they were in the talkies for,
like, the last 30 years, they're still trying
to figure out how to I think it's
I think it's more a matter of trying
to
make superheroes
palatable on a TV screen. Like, that's fair.
Like it was other than Batman. It was
pretty unheard of at the time. And except
at all, I mean, like I said, CBS
started picking up other
TV shows,
superhero TV shows. They were known as the
Superhero Network, basically because of it. But, I
mean, if you I remember seeing a lot
of the old Incredible Hulk shows, and
they were cornball.
And so, like I said, I think it
was just a matter of trying to find
a way to that and the comic code.
Yeah. Well, I think it I'm trying to
wonder I'm not sure when the comic code
was
removed. I feel like It wasn't it wasn't
until the nineties, bro, because I remember getting
comics in the nineties
that still had the comic code Right. Seal
on it. Yeah. Well, there you go. Granted
in the nineties, they loosened up their you
know, you weren't you didn't have people attacking
people with acid ice cream cones anymore. But
Yeah. Those were the days. Those ass darn
acid ice cream cones, they were that was
really tricky when you would get that stop
the ice cream, man. Bro, literally talking about
something I've seen with the Joker and the
whole 19 seven
silver silver age Batman stuff. I know. But
the thing is is, like, people there was
a legitimate thought people had, like, could they
do this?
Oh, man. Alright. Well, those are expectations.
For funsies, if you're watching on the YouTube
side of things,
or if you're just listening on your podcast
catcher, you're gonna, like, I'm gonna watch the
movie also.
Pause this podcast,
send us your expectations somehow, leave a comment,
and then go watch this movie.
It's on YouTube somewhere. I promise.
Yeah. All you gotta do is look up
Batman and not Batman.
Look up look up Spiderman 1977
movie.
That's how I found it.
Or if you're like Branson, pull out the
VHS. Blow it off and,
pull out the
the the tape deck that you have and
it's underneath the, the VHS player and hook
both those up and just jam out to
some Led Zeppelin and watch us at the
same time. Yeah. Zed Led Zeppelin would have
been a thing at that time, so that
could that that would be a thing. I
made a music reference. It made sense.
You did.
Alright. Are we ready to
rock and or possibly roll? Oh, let's do
this, man.
Dear listeners,
this is your opportunity to escape. Our crew
has just entered into the media projection chamber.
What horrors and madness that they consume are
unknown?
Their mental state upon their return is unknown.
You have been warned.
Oh, it's over. Oh, good. Oh. Do we
have to watch it again?
Do we have to? Yeah. We better go
do it. We'll go back in there. We'll
stay awake this time. Alright.
Dear listeners,
this is your opportunity to escape. Our crew
has just entered into the media projection chamber.
What horrors and madness that they consume are
unknown?
Their mental state upon their return is unknown.
You have been warned.
Well, I drank 6 Red Bulls, but I
made it through the movie. I know. It
was
Did you know that blue tastes like strawberry?
Oh,
let's
let's talk about it.
Talk about it. Talk about it.
All right. Spoiler free. Spoiler free. Okay. Spoiler
free.
Okay. Spoiler free. I'll get this part ball
rolling. Spoiler free. This movie runs at this
movie moves slower
than I've seen glaciers move.
You know, I saw a video. There was
this guy that does experiment where he locked
himself
in a
space that had no natural light of its
own. He was completely cut off from all
clocks and everything else. Mhmm. And what was
discovered was time moved differently for him,
while he was there. Like, mentally, it moved
differently. So, like like, he went from a
24 hour day to almost a 48 hour
day for him. That's how I was by
just a natural developed rhythm. He'd sleep for
12 hours, go 48 hours. But what was
interesting is every day, his day, he'd call,
and he has to count from 1 to
120,
which would take about 2 minutes. By the
end of the experiment, and I forgot how
many weeks he was down there, in his
mind, he was speaking normally, but it took
him 5 minutes to count from 1 to
120
because time was moving so much slower for
him. And I say that to say that
that video was more interesting than watching this
video and how long it took me to
watch this video movie. See, I thought you
were just gonna say that that was would
explain the time dilation I just experienced because
that movie was only about it was less
than an hour and a half, but it
felt like 3 hours. It did. I was
I was on the struggle bus. And, again,
this is
it
not this is not just a a a
shot across the belt, Spider Man the movie,
but 70 storytelling.
Like, I enjoy
movies from every era. I can find things
in them. But 70 storytelling and 60 storytelling,
it suffers
with how it does dialogue and pacing
and all that. And Well, not only that,
but it it felt like
they it felt like they felt
that you needed to see how people got
to places before they got there in order
to understand what was going on. So there
was so much, hey,
here they are walking down the street for
5 minutes.
Here they are driving in a car for
3 minutes
where nothing's happening that's relevant to the plot.
And it's just like, look, you could just
have them pull up in a car and
I would know, oh, hey. They drove here.
You don't have to show the entire trip.
Do you think
that the
awkwardness of the runtime
is because they were trying to pad
for
the
TV stuff. Because it sits right at an
hour and a half. Mhmm. So when you
include
commercials,
you're looking at roughly 4 episodes of a
30 minute show. I could see that. It
but they didn't release this as a multipart
episode. It was a it was a it
was literally
a made for TV movie with limited
advertising breaks.
Right. Right. I don't know. It it was
just the again, 70 storytelling, it's
For me, I almost think that they were
doing that to because they didn't have enough
story for an entire feature length
episode.
So they were possibility.
So they padded it out to hit that
hour and a half marker. I can definitely
see that being a thing. I could definitely
see that being and it it was frustrating
because I'm, like, why are we spending so
much time here on specific scenes? And we'll
talk about that here in a minute, but
it the pacing was rough, ladies and gentlemen.
It is a it is a rough one.
Now that being said, if you are struggling
with,
insomnia and an ability to not sleep well,
if I could recommend putting this in your
playlist along with your favorite Bob Ross shows.
Yo. Bob Ross.
I think,
like, this movie made Bob Ross look like
Van Halen. I mean
You got Spider who's like, happy webs.
Happy webs.
Put put a happy web here, A little
wall crawl here.
All right. So
let's talk about special effects. That's not spoilery.
Let's talk about the green screening that was
for some of the wall crawling.
Oh,
for real, my man. Like, at first, I
was like, I wonder how they oh, they
had this guy crawling around on the ground
like a baby and
then green screened a video of the TV
behind him. Now, legitimately,
the live action
wall crawl, it was cheesy,
but it was effective. I was, okay, that's
kinda cool. Mhmm. But it was the green
screen specifically that I struggled with. Expect like,
the first one where he's, like,
experimenting with his powers in the front end
of the movie, and he's crawling on the
house. Well, these are these are spoiler stuff.
Oh, yeah. Well, I apologize. But there there
there were some moments where they just spent
too much time on the green screen, and
that was part of the problem. It's like
get out.
Get it done because I was ruining the
feel of it all. Mhmm. And it was
awkward. Legitimately, there's one time guys where he's
climbing a wall, and he looks like the
dude pops up on his toes and his
fingers, and he looks down between his legs.
It was just this really awkward moment.
Bro, it literally was like the cam like,
he was
doing
an OnlyFans
a Spider Man OnlyFans shot. Like, here's my
butt.
It's like, you're Spider Man, not Catman. Put
down. And so
it's just awkward.
Put it down, he says.
Oh, my gosh. I yeah. As as soon
as you said that, I'm like, I know
exactly what scene you're talking about because I
had a very uncomfortable moment with that scene
myself. So
So yeah. There was also a few moments
in it. We'll get into it maybe later
where it felt like the script wasn't wasn't,
wasn't checked for consistency.
And I need I need to talk about
the other wall crawl effect that they used
when he was actually crawling up at the
side of the building, and they used the
invisible wires like I had said in the
trivia. Right.
That didn't work so well for me because
he was moving up those things faster than
his hands were. And they did it like
it literally looked like he was petting the
walls. Yeah. Like he was petting them. And
then they did the dumbest thing ever. At
one point, there was a shot where they
did a close-up of the hand. Yes.
And he didn't even make contact with the
wall.
So it was like the demolition man. Hello
or be well.
You know what I'm talking about? I know.
Is that what on the list does that
does that qualify for the I don't think
so. I think that's rated too high.
Oh, man.
Oh, man. But you're right. Like and I
get I'm I'm trying to give it grace
for it being the seventies. Demolition man qualifies,
by the way. Nope. Never mind. That's demolition.
But,
the,
I'm trying to give it grace for,
no. Devil's Man does qualify. It's a 34,
ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Coming to a podcast
near you. Anyways How fantastic.
I'm I'm legitimately trying to give it grace
because it is a seventies. This was, you
know, made for TV,
and there's certain things that they gotta do.
And
there's there's probably a time crunch because, like,
we gotta get this set for a TV
show, guys.
But it was it was real to watch.
Of course, we're we're in the era where
we have
good wall crawling. Like, even Facts.
The worst
Spider Man movies ever
of the modern era have decent wall crawling.
Decent web shooting too. Yeah. Didn't look like
silly string,
nylon rope, or spirit Halloween cobwebs.
So, like, the only thing that would have
made, I'm gonna put the the thing that
would have helped me so much throughout the
entirety of the film
was if we had a group of people
who
were Mystery Science Theater 3000 the entire time.
Oh, for sure. Like, this would have been
the one that we should have done live,
like, altogether because I I I'm just trying
to picture you, me, and Bam in the
same room just unloading it. Well, you and
me would be unloading on it, and Bam
would be like, come on, guys.
I don't know. Brent's Brent's is good enough
to see the cheese,
and so
he'll call out the cheese. He'll still love
the cheese, but he he'll call the cheese
out. I sometimes I you know, I'm almost
afraid, like, when he watched this movie, he
watched it with rose colored glasses just because
of how much he loves the character of
Spider Man to begin with. I mean, him
and Ben both both of it, there's a
lot of nostalgia for it. And Mhmm. We've
had movies that I've had nostalgia for that
I love. You guys are like, this is
trash. I'm like Oh, you mean, like, well,
I couldn't say, like, the last movie because
that wasn't the nostalgia. That was just poor
judgment on your part. Yeah. That's poor judgment
on my part. No. But this is one
of those things.
But yeah. No. It was it was rough.
You got anything else to spoiler free that
we can talk about? No. I want music.
Oh, do you mean The Price is Right
b roll music?
Like, for y'all go back to the Bob
Barker era, like, late seventies prices. Right? Like,
the bad up up up up up up
up up up up up
It was like that pop funk that they
were trying to do. It was like it
wasn't even good pop funk. No, it was
like elevator
jazz fusion. It was
so not good. It was it was easy
listening disco.
Right. And
John Travolta is like, I can't get down
with this. I mean, I I shot a
message,
like, when we were watching this, I shot
a message out talking about calling it prices
right B roll. And
your wife commented back saying it reminded her
of Dragnet. So I mean, if that if
that connects with some people, there you go.
But it. But again,
seventies TV shows. I know, but it was
in the time when there was such good
music they could have used. They had
Led Zeppelin.
Black Sabbath was still had AC. They still
had Ozzy Osbourne.
But seventies t problem is you're right. If
this was a feature,
like, an actual movie with a major company
behind it. Bro, like,
most of these bands were weren't even quite
in their heyday yet. Like, you could have
grabbed Aerosmith. Aerosmith didn't even start making albums
until
73, so they will have only been 4
years out. But they still had labels who
were like, mine, make me money.
Whereas what the TV shows because they're pumping
out stuff constantly. They got a backlog of,
like, just, like, we paid some dude 10¢,
and we own his soul now music.
I'm just saying. I agree. Music could have
been better. Music could have been a lot
better. I'd be interested to see you rescore
the movie.
I don't know that I would wanna watch
it again to be honest.
We've already watched it once and a half
times. Might as well give. No. Thanks.
I don't know. It's I think music I
think that was part of the problem, though,
John, with the pacing is the music didn't
help.
If it had better music, this is a
case where better music would have tremendously helped
so many scenes. Mhmm.
Yep. Yep. I 100% agree with that. And
so
alright. Let's go to spoiler conversations.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the spoiler section.
Real talk, why did the spoiler section bumper
sound better than the music in the movie?
Because the real talk bumper was the spoiler
bumper was better music than the movie.
Alright. We're just we're gonna be into this
is where we're gonna spoil the film. And
so buckle up,
hang loose. We're gonna talk about this film
together. First off,
did they purposely make this dude look like
Christopher Reeves in this movie? Like You know,
it wouldn't shock me. When did the first
Superman movie come out? Let me IMDB it.
It was pretty close around the same time.
Superman.
Well, okay. 1978.
Okay. So maybe that was just the stereotypical
pretty boy look. I mean, it could be.
Like,
guys kinda had that haircut throughout this movie,
so I could see that. But Yeah. I'm
I'm picking up what you're putting down.
I will say that Peter Parker's lab partner
would have made a better Peter Parker than
the guy who they had playing Peter Parker
would have. I think that he had more
of a personality
than this
guy, for sure. Yeah. He just came off
as, like, it didn't
again, I try to give it grace because
I know that they they they take things
and they do things differently. But it didn't
feel like Peter Parker at all outside the
fact that he was broke and he was
always he was always asking for, like, a
buck fifty. Like, that's like it's what it
felt like. Is that you got a buck
fifty? Like,
it was a buck fifty. He was, like,
$1.47,
which, by the way, I translated out the
money he was asking for is, like, $230
today.
But I get it. He's broke, and but
that was the only
Peter Parky thing he he was. He wasn't
endearing. He wasn't funny.
He wasn't a geeky,
He wasn't sarcastic.
Yeah. Like like, just all the elements that
make Peter Parker Peter Parker
weren't there, and they weren't there in a
okay. But we're gonna make it a good
replacement. You know, you have the the vast
spider verse. We have all these different Peter
Parkers, like Spider Man Noir and all those
other things. And they removed a lot of
what made Peter Parker, Peter Parker, but they're
still fascinating, and they're still a core. Like,
the motivation for this Spider Man was nonexistent
outside of the fact that he was poor,
and he wanted to make money. What's Bro
bro was the mayonnaise of Peter Parker's.
I just realized that his motivation was the
motivation for Spider Man in the first movie
in the first issue of of the comic,
which was I wanna make money. But it
wasn't but instead of, like, just go and
be a wrestler, it was let me help
people.
I was I was waiting for Bone Saw
to show up.
Bone Saw's ready.
Also wanna point out the fact that
the
lab his his lab partner
completely destroyed the logic behind the origin story
in this in this movie because he was
just like, man, if there's any kind of
a leak, it's gonna be complete you're gonna
completely
die for the sake of science, and I'm
talking about how all that radiation would just
kill you. Right. Well, if it's gonna kill
you, it's gonna kill that spider that was
in the tank. You know what I mean?
So it just completely logically
killed the movie. Right. I'm like,
In the manifestation of his powers. Like, it
was so quick. He's, like, he's walking out
from like, he leaves the lab, goes picks
up his meds, and then all of a
sudden, he's like, let me climb a wall.
Granted, he's being chased by me. Like, there
was nothing to this. It was just, like,
bam. Here we go. And he just knows
what he's doing. And he didn't realize he
climbed the wall until after he was done.
It wasn't a jump up on the wall
and be like, what the crap? And as
slow as he climbed.
Uh-huh.
Oh, my gosh.
The captain the police captain was overkill.
Like,
Jim Carrey levels of overacting.
I can see that. It it was just
like he had one gear, and it was
constantly angry and yelling. That man that man
should have been the j Jonah Jameson in
this movie. That would have been pretty lit,
actually. That would have been a real good
recast.
That would have that would then I wouldn't
have had that not my j j j
comment that I threw down. Like, if you
guys see my comments that I that I
had made in the
in the community
interaction segment,
I made that literally while I was watching
the movie. I mean, to take you outside
of the TV, to take you outside of
our shows,
our shows lore, that that is legit. What
was happening
and
j Jonah Jameson is one of my favorite
characters in Spider Man. Like, I like when
I play the games, I specifically listen to
his his podcasts that he puts out because
they just amuse me. His his anger his
anger and blatant hypocrisy
makes me laugh. It makes me giggle like
an Anson fan. You know? Anson fan.
That's fair.
So
and just how big of a swing and
a miss it was with the personality in
this movie. Just it offended me on some
level. I get that. I really get that.
Another thing that just didn't make sense to
me was he all he's done is climbed
up a wall, and then he's
he's basically
pivoting in the middle of a meeting with
J Jonah trying to go, I I I
got pictures of Spider Man, and he's he's
great. He's making up stuff on as he
goes, but all of a sudden, he's like,
yeah. He he climbed walls, but also he's
he's he's super strong,
like like, proportionally stronger for a man of
his size. And he has spin webs, and
he's saying all these these things. I'm like,
how do you know this? Like, today, he's
never spun a web. He's not done anything
that requires strength. All he did
was slowly climb up a wall
and then
awkwardly walk on a green screen at his
mom's house or his aunt's house. Like, that's
all he's done to date.
Like, there's been there were no acts of
strength, and there was no
conversation about web web spinning whatsoever.
And he just again, this is what I
was talking about earlier about it feels like
they did not
think about the script very well in continuity.
Like, there's a whole scene at the beginning
of the movie where he's there
watching the television,
and the news comes out about the extortion
of the city with the terrorists.
And Jay Jones' like, why is this on
TV? Why don't we have this? And then
they're planning this. The next scene, Peter's left
there. He's gone to the lab,
and his lab partner's, like, talking. He goes,
have you read the papers? It's all it's
all on the papers. No. It's not. They
literally just said it's not in the paper.
They're planning it right then and there when
you left the building, you dingbat.
Right. I will say there was one moment
where they did show the super strength when
that guy was pinned behind the wheel. And
so they did they did show that. So
But not till after he said there was
super strength. I know, but I'm I'm just
saying maybe he just knew what in the
same way that he just knew he could
climb up the building. So
I guess so. I guess so.
What else is there? How about the relationship
with Homegirl where I was like, hey. Your
dad almost died. Wanna hang out?
Right.
That's that's completely how it was. But again,
like, that's kind of how it works out
with these types of TV shows. Like, I
don't know. Have you ever seen Greatest American
Hero?
There there were a lot of parallels I
could draw between
that the pilot for that movie and the
pilot for this. Right.
Although Greatest American Hero actually entertained me.
But, yeah,
they they just ham fistedly throw love and
a love interest in there for you to
will they won't they over. So. Right. I
was a little bit shocked that they didn't
have it be,
MJ.
So
That was one of the things that throw
me off. MJ or Gwen has to be
one of the 2, in my opinion. And
and the thing about it is the only
the only thing in this in this movie
that had to do with the Spider Man
universe that they had in it was Spider
Man and j j j j
Jonah Jameson.
Everything else was just original IP.
Right.
Like the entire
the entire
2 thirds of this movie, I spent thinking
to myself, okay, who's the villain gonna be?
You know? Yeah. Everybody knows that I love
villains in superhero stories. Yeah.
And I'm like, is it gonna so with
it being hypnosis and all that, it's probably
gonna be Mysterio. That's gonna be awesome. Can't
wait to and it turned out to be
that the supervillain was
some guy.
A cult leader? No. Just some guy.
I I and I went out looking in
the database
after that, and apparently, for the entirety of
the TV series, they decided to steer away
from
doing super villains. And the
the Spider Man only fought against, like, practical
villains and bank robbers and stuff like that.
So you never got anything
that would have constituted as
any sort of Marvel property
for the villains.
Who are in the know?
Is this a rights issue? Was it a
matter that they couldn't afford the rights to
the other characters? All they could afford was
the right to Spider Man and Spider Man
ish
things. It wasn't because
I'd that was part of how how I
looked it up. I'm gonna pull up I'm
I'm gonna pull that up real quick.
While you're pulling that up, while we're talking
about
random villains,
why were there random like, absolutely
out of the blue random
kinto
fighters that just pop up in the bat
the bad guy's lair? I had the same
question.
Like like, out of the blue, like, he's
sneaking around. Let me play play this. Yeah.
He's sneaking around the bad guy's lair, guys.
And this is a the bad guy is
a
a a caucasian
businessman cult leader type of guy who has
been hypnotizing
people.
And, randomly,
3 kinto fighters come out, and they're attacking
Spider Man. And you're like, what? Like, where
did you guys come from? Like,
nothing,
like, nothing makes sense here. They're just, like,
let's throw this in here. And then granted,
I give you
sometimes
in
the
in comics, weird things just just happen. They
just kinda pop out. But this was really
super random, guys.
Alright. So, basically, what I what I have
here, this is reading directly from IMDB.
Okay? It says, in an attempt to keep
show the show rooted in reality and keep
costs controllable,
the show's producers decided, for better or worse,
to have Spider Man take on real life
criminals instead of the supervillains from the comics.
This was a wasted opportunity, considering that there
are numerous major Spider Man villains who are
relatively
down to earth in concept
and could have been depicted
inexpensively,
such as the chameleon,
Kraven the hunter, Mysterio,
the enforcers,
and Wilson Fisk, amongst others. Yeah. So they
just did for me, it was just laziness.
Right. It's just I'm going back through the
IDB now. I'm trying to find if I
can find anything
whatsoever about
these kinto fighters.
And I they're not even listed
as cast on IMDB.
And at the end of the movie, like,
they have these, like, promotional shots
with them that Spider Man took for for
money purpose
for because he he needs his he needs
his $47.
And No. He got it he got them
$47
from the lady he that he started dating
after Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's true. Do you even need any money
anymore? He didn't need the money at all,
but
it's just it was just so random, and
they just threw it in there. You're, like,
is it why?
Why are we doing this? Oh, my goodness.
I think it was just because at the
time, the whole kung fu karate
coming to America via Bruce Lee was a
thing. And so it was just like, hey,
this is hot with the kids right now.
Let's throw this in and blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Because that's how TV executives thought back in
the day. It didn't have to make sense
as long as it was something that would
sell.
Right.
I don't know. It was it was just
strange to me for some reason.
Speaking of straight that whole thing with the
Kenzo fighters,
my dude
webs him to the ground in the most
useless way.
Celeste's words were, did they go to Spirit
Halloween to get his web shooters? Because, literally,
it's just like a like a a Here's
a blanket if you're cold.
Wasn't even that.
It was like, here. Here's a little cotton.
Here you go, guys. Let me tuck you
in, mister kinto fighter. And then then then,
like, like, he runs out and, like, literally,
it's like they went, oh, take this off
and kept chasing him.
Like, it did nothing. Like
like, did you guys read a Spider Man
comic? Like, did you go, like did you
just look at the cover of 1? He
went, okay. So he wears red, and he
wears blue, and he has some funny shaped
eyes.
And It it it was almost like it
was almost like it was an accidental discharge.
It was just
if you or your loved one has overactive
overactive web bladders, please call.
You may be entitled for
compensation. Like, it is almost like it was
almost like I expected him to apologize. Oh,
sorry, guys. It just happened. I It's gotta
have, like, a web diaper.
Oh, no. I wet my hands.
Oh, man. Depends.
You guys got you missed the opportunity to
do some marketing right there. Depends.
Alright.
Another thing that was strange,
the random,
like, going back to your conversation with JJ,
how he just randomly
is angry at Spider Man at the end.
Like, there's no reason given, and he's never
really had a good reason except well, I
take it back. There is a comic where
it gives reasoning, but even in the comics,
like, he didn't like Spider Man out from
the beginning at all, period. But in this,
like, it was just so random. He's like,
he's a he's a terrible person. I'm like,
what? Like, where did this come from? And
in the final words of of Peter Parker,
the final movie, when he's like, how did
you do this? He goes, easy. I believe.
Okay. So that puts, Spider Man in the
Santa Claus universe now.
I I was waiting for him to pop
up a a cancer of Mentos and walk
away.
Little jump and little click of his heels
as he walks down the street.
I I wanted to catch that pause frame,
you know, him midair with his thumb up.
You know?
Meanwhile, in the background, Bruce Banner's is like,
stupid happy endings.
Playing the sad walking away music.
And then it all just, like it becomes
a stylized, like, dramatic look like a Jojo,
scene from Jojo's Bizarre Ventures.
It'd be great. Oh, my goodness.
Alright. So
this was not a good movie, people.
I I I know I know we normally
save that for the ratings, but this this
was
not great.
Let's go ahead and get to the rating.
Unless you got something else to say here,
Dallas.
Just one more gripe I had, which was
the fact that,
Peter's constant sneezing was simply
so he could drop his device that I
wasn't sure what it was doing. He was
trying to check track the microwaves that was
being used to control the hypnotized people.
Right. He was already there, like, he he
passed the window,
then he was on top of the building.
I'm, like, you you're already there. Just go
in the window.
I I I don't know. And he goes,
Achoo, and he drops it. I'm, like It
was the only time in to be fair,
they set it up with aunt aunt May
telling him, did you take your allergy medication?
Right. But
this was the only time in the movie
where he was sneezing.
Like, he sneezed. He he and he was
he was sneezing over and over and over
and over again until he dropped it. Right.
And then the moment he stepped off the
roof, he never sneezed again. It was like,
I think he was just allergic to that
roof.
Possibly.
Alright. Well, let's go ahead and
rate this movie. I'll go ahead and run.
Oh, actually, I won't because I don't have
my notes in front of me anymore. Dallas,
why don't you go ahead and tell explain
the reading reasons in case someone's new to
the show. Yeah. So here at the bottom
shelf, we have a multi tier rating system
for every movie we watch. As you guys
know, it's a journey that we're going through
to watch these films and rate them. And
so we have the top shelf, which is
where we go, you know what? I need
to own this. This is a great movie.
I love it. I need it. Then you
have middle shelf, which is I'd watch it
maybe for the streaming.
And then you have bottom shelf for, like,
oh, gosh. No. This is not a good
movie, and I will probably never watch it
again, actually, ever. And then we have the
dumpster fire, which is where we go, I
will actively try to keep people from watching
this movie, period. End of discussion.
Alright. Well, being as you were kind enough
to read that because I was dumb enough
to close my notes before we're done with
the show, why don't you go ahead and
give your rating first?
Yeah. So, this is not a good movie,
and we know it's not a good movie.
But contrary to other Spider Man movies that
no longer exist in our timeline,
it didn't make me angry.
Like, it made more sense
and,
I could follow it. And, again, it's time
locked in the seventies, a TV
movie seventies. So I have a little bit
more grace for it. So
I it's not a dumpster fire, but it
is a hard bottom shelf. Like, it's
last time I said it's, like, dangling from
the bottom shelf over the dumpster fire. This
movie is steadying over it like scar over
Mufasa
going long live the king on
madam web.
That's what's happened here.
That just gave me a that just made
me think of that meme that you see
of that guy who's standing on a podium
just dumping champagne over his face, getting the
finger to every all that. And then they're
like in 8th place. Like, that's this movie
right here.
Yeah. Basically.
Oh, my gosh.
As far as
my rating is concerned, I want a dumpster
fire this so bad.
Like, I this movie made me so bored
while I was watching it.
I know we did that little,
bit
at for the watching the movie where we
had to watch it twice. I I don't
know that I could watch this twice. Although
there was something that was said at the
beginning of this podcast that steered me off
of dumpster firing it, which was when you
said this would be a good movie to
MST 3 k. Yeah.
And
I'm like, I think under those circumstances,
I probably would watch this again. Mhmm. So
given that that saved it from the flames
of the dumpster, I I too am going
to like this is
did you ever see the movie The Naked
Gun?
Yeah. You remember at the end where,
Ricardo Montalban got run over by the steamroller?
Mhmm. That's this movie on the bottom shelf.
Like, it's it's on the bottom shelf, and
it got steam roled into the bottom shelf
so hard it's completely flat with the bottom
of the bottom shelf.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. I give you that.
It it really is, though. It it would
be a great get the gang together, and
let's just have some popcorn and make fun
and have and have fun with the film.
Yeah.
But don't watch it by yourself.
It's
it's not good. It's not meant for human
consumption.
It's
FDA not approved. It's it's bad. Like, the
reason, like, legitimately, if you listen to what
Dallas and I are saying right now, the
only way this movie is good is if
you have friends that are going to be
there to bring the entertainment
to the movie. Do you see what I'm
saying? Like, this movie,
this this movie, like, I I made the
joke earlier that this Peter Parker was the
mayonnaise of Peter Parker.
Well, he he's the mayonnaise in this movie
is the white bread
of
Spider Man movies. So it's a mayonnaise on
white bread sandwich is what it is. Walmart
brand. Great value. White bread. Exactly. Like
the $0.99
a loaf of white bread.
Oh, my goodness.
Alright.
Well, it's unanimous, ladies and gentlemen.
Bottom shelf.
Let's
let's speed through this because I don't I
don't wanna talk about this movie anymore.
Welcome to the weak connection section of this
podcast where we try to find something redemptive
or spiritual or possibly both in regards to
this load of crap that we just forced
ourselves to sit through for your enjoyment.
Captain Dallas, do you have something to share
with us to,
possibly
redeem or
I do. Give glory?
I do indeed.
So the the premise of this whole movie
is simply the fact that there is a,
the terrorist. He's he's he's unfortunately,
preying on people's insecurities
and wanting to manipulate them. And they're looking
for some form of success, but not at
the same time. It was very confusing. I'm
not sure he knew what he was selling
either, but he was manipulating people who had
put themselves in places where they were looking
for something else.
Judy, the,
Peter's,
very quick love interest that he suddenly falls
in love with,
after her dad almost dies,
she was like, you know, she's just distraught,
and she just she's like, I'm gonna do
this. And she allows herself to be captured
by the enemy
and,
literally,
her mind just captured. And what he's doing
is he's controlling their minds. He's manipulating them.
And, unfortunately, this happens a lot with people
who deal with grief and deal with certain
things where they just they give their minds
to certain things. And, I'm I'm I'm thought
my thoughts are about Colossians chapter 3 verse
2, and and the church calls you. They're
dealing with some stuff. There's some heresy seeping
in, some early gnosticism, and other kind of
junk,
and people are going, well, maybe maybe this
is this is good too. Maybe this is
good. And
Paul is bringing correction. He goes, hey. Set
your minds on things of of above, not
the things of the earth. So set your
things on on scripture. Set your things on
what God has for you. And
that's that's key for a lot of things
when we're dealing with grief and depression, anxiety,
and fears, when we're dealing with with loss,
when we're dealing with various other aspects of
life, when we're dealing with,
you know, just life, we have to keep
our mind on things above.
Because when we have that mindset of, like,
what what actually pleases the Lord? What is
taking place? It helps us to
navigate and respond correctly to life situation. Life
happens. It it sucks. It's terrible sometimes.
God doesn't promise the Christian life as a,
hey. Sunshine and rainbows all the time. Life
sucks because we live in a fallen world.
But if we keep our mind on Christ,
we respond appropriately to the things of the
world, and we navigate
appropriately.
And that includes a variety of things that
we can it's gonna take much longer podcast
for us to impact, but that's my my,
my weak connection for you today. Alright. I
got one. I don't have a specific scriptural
reference to throw in there, but it comes
down to the scene where Peter Parker and
J. Jonah Jameson are talking about Spider Man
for the first time. And he said, and
Jameson says, so what's his deal? Why does
he do it? He goes, to help people.
I mean, if you got these great powers,
what would you do? And he's like, I
joined the circus.
And it comes down to
the giftings that God gives you in your
life. Everybody has a gifting of some sort.
Yeah.
And there's 2 paths people take with it,
but, ultimately, what it comes down to is
God doesn't give you a gifting to serve
yourself
Mhmm. For your own personal enjoyment. It doesn't
mean that you can't enjoy your gifting.
That's not the reason why he gave it
to you. He gave it to you to
help others, to serve others. Yeah. For his
glory.
And so
take a brief moment of introspection
and just think about what are your giftings
and what are you doing with them? Because
I can promise you that the world is
in the condition that it's in now because
people use their gifting selfishly.
Totally. And
if you can step outside of yourself
and
use that to serve others and bring others
to a better place,
and if that can impact other people to
do the same,
then that's a step forward to, you know,
going to the 19 seventies dogma of give
the give teach the world to sing or
have a Coke and smile.
You know, it it does. It it it
it advances the kingdom, but it also
does will make your portion of the world
a better place to be in. So Yeah.
Good stuff, man. I like it. Yeah. I
kind of came up with it on the
spot. It just popped in there. Otherwise, I'd
have scripture and have it a little bit
more thought out. But No, it's good, though,
man. That's there's a lot to that whole
aspect of, like, using your gifts
to help people. Yeah. Not just being selfish
about things. Or making money. Yeah. I mean,
there's yeah. Alright. Well, let's let's go ahead
and shut this down,
mister
Mora.
How do we do that again?
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to
our episode today. If you have enjoyed it,
if you liked it, do us a favor.
Share out the podcast
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and,
do us a favor. Like it on YouTube,
hit the share button, all that good stuff,
but interact with us. Ladies and gentlemen, we
are part of the Geek Devotions podcast network,
and there's a whole lot of things happening
there. We have the Spider fan podcast. We
have We Read Allegedly, which John is part
of. We have Com Talk. We have the
Gundam Watch, and we have very various other
projects happening all the time. And you follow
that geekto oceans.com.
You can find John at a link tree
that we'll have in in the description down
below, including several projects he does, including playing
games with strangers and whatnot.
But, also, we have a Discord channel for
Geek Devotions and a Facebook group. This group
called is, is called,
devoted Geeklights.
And then we have a Discord channel, which
we'll have a link in the show notes
before, below. Interact with us, guys. Tell us
how well you like the episodes. Tell us
you'll like the episodes. Be kind. Be courteous,
but do life with us.
And we do respond to people. We do
talk with people
quite in-depth on the Discord. So if you
really wanna interact with us, that's the place
to do it. Yeah. We had a whole
conversation.
Some we we we for our community outreach,
we that's where we get from the Discord.
And there was some miscommunication. They thought we're
talking about
the the animated cartoon from the seventies, not
this this movie, which honestly would have been
a better thing for us to talk about.
You know? But, anyways Probably a more mature
storyline too.
But there's a whole conversation took place there
today, and we'd like to talk with you
guys. So,
I think that's about it, John. Alright. Well,
until next time. Stay devoted.
Peace and