WEBVTT 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:20.700 But anyway, I have a place like shameless love. 00:00:20.700 --> 00:00:24.700 All right, stories, so we are jumping into a series 00:00:24.700 --> 00:00:29.100 we're calling stories, because I believe 00:00:29.100 --> 00:00:32.300 there's somebody in this room, and you've got money on it, 00:00:32.300 --> 00:00:35.620 that you've been saying hi to for a year, 00:00:35.620 --> 00:00:39.660 or two, or 10, you know their name, 00:00:39.660 --> 00:00:41.140 you know where they usually sit. 00:00:41.140 --> 00:00:42.500 You might know how they take a coffee 00:00:42.500 --> 00:00:44.100 or what their kids are into, 00:00:45.380 --> 00:00:48.340 or maybe they duck out early at the end of service. 00:00:48.340 --> 00:00:49.660 You know these things. 00:00:49.660 --> 00:00:51.660 We have no idea who they are. 00:00:53.140 --> 00:00:55.700 You don't know what they survive to get here. 00:00:56.700 --> 00:00:58.300 You don't know what it costs them to walk 00:00:58.300 --> 00:00:59.900 through the doors the first time. 00:01:01.500 --> 00:01:04.060 You don't know which Sunday they almost didn't come back 00:01:04.060 --> 00:01:06.220 and what they would say. 00:01:06.220 --> 00:01:08.220 I get to hear a lot of these stories. 00:01:08.220 --> 00:01:09.900 I get to sit down on people and have coffee 00:01:09.900 --> 00:01:12.580 and have these conversations, but they're not my stories 00:01:12.580 --> 00:01:13.420 to tell them. 00:01:15.260 --> 00:01:20.260 And there's this idea that when we meet people, 00:01:21.300 --> 00:01:22.900 our brains do something, 00:01:22.900 --> 00:01:24.980 but we're built for the, like, this is how we're built. 00:01:24.980 --> 00:01:26.380 Your brain, when you meet a person, 00:01:26.380 --> 00:01:27.980 you kind of file them. 00:01:27.980 --> 00:01:29.820 Like, that's the guy that runs sound, 00:01:29.820 --> 00:01:32.020 that's the one with the twins, 00:01:32.020 --> 00:01:34.620 that's the couple that sits in the back row. 00:01:34.620 --> 00:01:36.940 Like, sometimes when we're trying to figure out 00:01:36.940 --> 00:01:38.620 who someone is, we get a name, 00:01:38.620 --> 00:01:41.700 even like, even like, the monument we're like, 00:01:41.700 --> 00:01:45.220 "Oh, it's that lady, she sits in the back row." 00:01:45.220 --> 00:01:47.540 Third seat over, every Sunday. 00:01:47.540 --> 00:01:50.260 And then we're like, "Oh, okay, name, face. 00:01:50.260 --> 00:01:51.740 "I know what you said." 00:01:51.740 --> 00:01:54.940 We do it too, but we all kind of file people. 00:01:55.780 --> 00:02:00.780 And I've been reading this book and this idea 00:02:02.620 --> 00:02:06.620 that nobody in this room is an it. 00:02:06.620 --> 00:02:09.460 They're not a file, just a thing. 00:02:10.620 --> 00:02:11.460 What do I mean by that? 00:02:11.460 --> 00:02:13.660 About 100 years ago, there was a Jewish philosopher 00:02:13.660 --> 00:02:18.020 named Michael Hoover, and he wrote a little book. 00:02:18.020 --> 00:02:19.420 And people are still chewing on today. 00:02:19.420 --> 00:02:22.660 It's called, "I am thou." 00:02:22.660 --> 00:02:25.020 That was like the old school I could be here, right? 00:02:27.020 --> 00:02:30.660 And Hoover said that there are really only two ways 00:02:30.660 --> 00:02:32.340 to meet anything. 00:02:32.340 --> 00:02:35.860 And like, a person, a tree, a water bottle, 00:02:35.860 --> 00:02:37.820 God, the chair you're sitting in, 00:02:37.820 --> 00:02:40.900 there is, you're meeting this thing or this person. 00:02:42.140 --> 00:02:43.940 And you can be that as an it. 00:02:45.460 --> 00:02:47.940 Something you use, something you categorize, 00:02:47.940 --> 00:02:51.620 something you file, or you can be that as a that. 00:02:52.660 --> 00:02:54.500 A presence. 00:02:54.500 --> 00:02:56.980 Someone you actually encounter. 00:02:56.980 --> 00:03:00.980 Someone who's fully there, you're fully there. 00:03:00.980 --> 00:03:04.620 And for a second, nothing is being used for anything. 00:03:06.820 --> 00:03:08.460 Hoover's definition of I it, 00:03:08.460 --> 00:03:09.900 there's two ways of meeting something. 00:03:09.900 --> 00:03:14.900 I it is, is a person as an object filed useful. 00:03:14.940 --> 00:03:17.180 This might be, you go to the, to HUB, 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:19.220 you're checking out, the cashier is, 00:03:19.220 --> 00:03:21.020 it may be a good relationship. 00:03:21.020 --> 00:03:23.060 They are, they're just doing something before. 00:03:23.060 --> 00:03:24.540 I don't know the name, I don't know if they are, 00:03:24.540 --> 00:03:27.340 it's just, there's a transaction happening. 00:03:27.340 --> 00:03:29.740 Could be a water bottle, right? 00:03:29.740 --> 00:03:30.860 I don't have a relationship, I do, 00:03:30.860 --> 00:03:32.500 I actually have a level of water. 00:03:32.500 --> 00:03:34.020 (audience laughs) 00:03:34.020 --> 00:03:36.180 Since I got this, a walla, 00:03:37.180 --> 00:03:39.900 I've created like three bottles of water and paint, 00:03:39.900 --> 00:03:42.260 which, if you know me. 00:03:44.740 --> 00:03:48.340 I don't know, we're having, it's a vowel. 00:03:49.580 --> 00:03:52.340 The other, the other way to meet someone, 00:03:52.340 --> 00:03:56.180 meet something, is the I vowel relationship. 00:03:56.180 --> 00:04:00.940 It's a person's presence actually encountered, 00:04:00.940 --> 00:04:02.820 is it this experience. 00:04:02.820 --> 00:04:06.300 So most of us live in an I it mode all day long. 00:04:06.300 --> 00:04:07.740 Like I said, since it's the cashier, 00:04:07.740 --> 00:04:10.060 it's the barista, it's the other drivers, 00:04:11.180 --> 00:04:12.940 the guy who runs sad. 00:04:15.300 --> 00:04:17.540 It's not evil, it's just how we autopilot. 00:04:18.500 --> 00:04:20.940 A boomer believed, and I'm paraphrasing him here, 00:04:20.940 --> 00:04:25.780 that every time you truly meet another person as a vowel, 00:04:25.780 --> 00:04:28.140 you brush up against the eternal vow. 00:04:29.580 --> 00:04:32.300 But the face across from you is one of the places 00:04:32.300 --> 00:04:34.460 God most reliably shows up. 00:04:36.060 --> 00:04:37.780 Which, if you've been here at all this year, 00:04:37.780 --> 00:04:39.140 this might sound familiar. 00:04:40.460 --> 00:04:42.300 We spent this whole year on awe, 00:04:43.780 --> 00:04:44.820 and I'm not gonna re-teach it, 00:04:44.820 --> 00:04:46.940 but you could write great you back to me. 00:04:46.940 --> 00:04:51.460 This idea that fear narrows us, but awe, lines us. 00:04:53.540 --> 00:04:56.700 Dr. Keller, the UC Berkeley researcher 00:04:56.700 --> 00:05:00.580 who's worked with me on awe here for this idea of awe, 00:05:00.580 --> 00:05:02.020 had people all over the world, 00:05:02.020 --> 00:05:03.500 I think it was 26 countries, 00:05:03.500 --> 00:05:08.500 keep diaries of what actually gave them the awe experience. 00:05:09.020 --> 00:05:11.020 And the number one source across cultures 00:05:11.020 --> 00:05:14.340 wasn't the sky, it wasn't a canyon, 00:05:14.340 --> 00:05:18.460 it wasn't beautiful music, it was other people. 00:05:19.780 --> 00:05:23.300 Ordinary people's courage, their kindness. 00:05:23.300 --> 00:05:26.860 Watching somebody forgive something unforgivable, 00:05:28.260 --> 00:05:30.660 or watching someone get back up when life had, 00:05:31.620 --> 00:05:34.500 and when they had every right in their life 00:05:34.500 --> 00:05:39.500 to keep this data, the researchers called this moral beauty. 00:05:41.700 --> 00:05:43.780 It beats the grand canyon. 00:05:46.660 --> 00:05:49.660 The idea that the most common place people find 00:05:49.660 --> 00:05:51.860 of awe is in the sky, 00:05:51.860 --> 00:05:55.420 or is each other, is why we're doing this series. 00:05:57.100 --> 00:05:59.900 The same body of research saw awe, 00:05:59.900 --> 00:06:03.380 not as a private feeling, but that it's a buying view. 00:06:04.660 --> 00:06:07.900 It shrieks to self just enough to pull this toward each other. 00:06:09.620 --> 00:06:14.620 As one of the emotions that turns a crowd into a community, 00:06:17.220 --> 00:06:19.060 so we spent this year chasing awe, 00:06:19.060 --> 00:06:22.220 and it turns out the most reliable supply 00:06:23.460 --> 00:06:25.660 has been sitting next to you in the chair 00:06:25.660 --> 00:06:28.100 across this room all the time. 00:06:30.900 --> 00:06:35.900 Maybe we've filed it under the woman with the three kids. 00:06:40.900 --> 00:06:44.900 We finished the series a few weeks ago in this idea in the car. 00:06:45.900 --> 00:06:47.900 The guy was still saying where are we? 00:06:48.900 --> 00:06:51.900 And I think one of the ways that we get to meet God 00:06:52.900 --> 00:06:56.900 in the most beautiful way possible is throughout our people. 00:06:57.900 --> 00:07:02.900 So reading your stories from people in our community. 00:07:07.900 --> 00:07:10.900 Because the story is how a stranger becomes at that. 00:07:12.900 --> 00:07:13.900 It takes away the file. 00:07:13.900 --> 00:07:15.900 I give people in our community two invitations 00:07:15.900 --> 00:07:17.900 they can talk about their story, 00:07:19.900 --> 00:07:22.900 how they keep in faith, how they ended up in the arsenal, 00:07:22.900 --> 00:07:24.900 why this place matters, 00:07:24.900 --> 00:07:28.900 real, not polished, the idea is like they just couldn't tell your story. 00:07:28.900 --> 00:07:30.900 And then the other prompt I gave was, 00:07:30.900 --> 00:07:32.900 if you don't want to tell me the personal story, 00:07:32.900 --> 00:07:34.900 then how do you see God? 00:07:35.900 --> 00:07:39.900 One characteristic of God that has maybe changed for you over time. 00:07:40.900 --> 00:07:43.900 And how that shift has shaped their faith. 00:07:45.900 --> 00:07:48.900 So, I asked for sermons. 00:07:48.900 --> 00:07:52.900 I didn't ask for anybody to get up here and be impressive. 00:07:52.900 --> 00:07:55.900 The whole point is to just meet people. 00:07:55.900 --> 00:07:57.900 The point is to be real. 00:07:57.900 --> 00:08:03.900 And for us to see who we sit next to and spend time with. 00:08:03.900 --> 00:08:06.900 And for us to become not a crowd for the community. 00:08:07.900 --> 00:08:10.900 So every week, for the next few weeks, 00:08:10.900 --> 00:08:15.900 one or two people will get up here and share their story. 00:08:16.900 --> 00:08:19.900 And when I started to think like who should I invite? 00:08:20.900 --> 00:08:21.900 Who should I ask? 00:08:23.900 --> 00:08:25.900 There was one person that I was like, 00:08:25.900 --> 00:08:27.900 if they're going to be real, 00:08:27.900 --> 00:08:30.900 I guess somebody would be real as the person who's going to be real. 00:08:33.900 --> 00:08:37.900 And somebody I love that I've gotten to know. 00:08:39.900 --> 00:08:42.900 And I think it would be awesome for you guys to get to know. 00:08:42.900 --> 00:08:46.900 And you've heard from him once or twice before. 00:08:48.900 --> 00:08:50.900 But not this capacity. 00:08:50.900 --> 00:08:52.900 So, I'm going to get off the stage. 00:08:52.900 --> 00:08:53.900 That's enough of me. 00:08:54.900 --> 00:08:57.900 I'm going to go back to the stage. 00:08:58.900 --> 00:09:00.900 Mr. Mark, thank you. 00:09:09.900 --> 00:09:10.900 What up, Carson? 00:09:15.900 --> 00:09:17.900 I am a talker in the chat. 00:09:18.900 --> 00:09:21.900 And so I have a guy here to help keep me in line 00:09:21.900 --> 00:09:23.900 because I've not been medically diagnosed 00:09:23.900 --> 00:09:26.900 but I pretty sure I have an ADHD too. 00:09:33.900 --> 00:09:35.900 Can I tell you about a house? 00:09:37.900 --> 00:09:40.900 It wasn't made of brick or wood. 00:09:41.900 --> 00:09:43.900 From the outside, it looked beautiful, 00:09:43.900 --> 00:09:47.900 strong, safe, predictable. 00:09:48.900 --> 00:09:50.900 And inside that house, I lived a little boy. 00:09:50.900 --> 00:09:53.900 He was curious, he asked a lot of questions. 00:09:54.900 --> 00:09:56.900 He was emotional, sensitive. 00:09:56.900 --> 00:09:58.900 He loved music. 00:09:58.900 --> 00:10:00.900 He saw beauty in little things. 00:10:01.900 --> 00:10:03.900 He was creative, imaginative. 00:10:03.900 --> 00:10:06.900 Always wondering what else might be possible. 00:10:07.900 --> 00:10:11.900 And this house taught him a lot of beautiful things. 00:10:12.900 --> 00:10:14.900 And introduced him to faith. 00:10:14.900 --> 00:10:18.900 And taught him about God and taught him about certain people. 00:10:18.900 --> 00:10:22.900 And taught him about love, prayer, scripture, community. 00:10:23.900 --> 00:10:26.900 Some of the greatest people I've ever known were inside that house. 00:10:27.900 --> 00:10:30.900 But every house has rules. 00:10:32.900 --> 00:10:37.900 This house taught me that certainty was safer than curiosity. 00:10:38.900 --> 00:10:41.900 That answers mattered more than questions. 00:10:42.900 --> 00:10:45.900 That obedience was rewarding but wrestling. 00:10:46.900 --> 00:10:50.900 Well, wrestling made people uncomfortable. 00:10:51.900 --> 00:10:54.900 So I learned why I was allowed to go in this house. 00:10:54.900 --> 00:10:56.900 Which rooms were safe to go into? 00:10:56.900 --> 00:10:58.900 Which doors stayed locked? 00:10:59.900 --> 00:11:01.900 And after a while, I didn't even notice anymore. 00:11:01.900 --> 00:11:03.900 It was just home. 00:11:03.900 --> 00:11:05.900 I woke up there every morning. 00:11:05.900 --> 00:11:07.900 I went to bed there every night. 00:11:07.900 --> 00:11:08.900 I built my life there. 00:11:08.900 --> 00:11:10.900 I built my faith there. 00:11:10.900 --> 00:11:13.900 I believed I'd lived there forever. 00:11:14.900 --> 00:11:16.900 Then one day I woke up. 00:11:17.900 --> 00:11:19.900 And what always felt like home. 00:11:20.900 --> 00:11:22.900 No longer felt safe. 00:11:23.900 --> 00:11:27.900 I could see everything in this house was still the same. 00:11:27.900 --> 00:11:30.900 But something in me shifted. 00:11:31.900 --> 00:11:33.900 Greatly shifted. 00:11:34.900 --> 00:11:39.900 I didn't know it then, but this is what the beginning of what people call deconstruction. 00:11:40.900 --> 00:11:42.900 Can I show you this image? 00:11:42.900 --> 00:11:43.900 That's right. 00:11:44.900 --> 00:11:46.900 The other image, please. 00:11:46.900 --> 00:11:47.900 That one. 00:11:52.900 --> 00:11:55.900 From the outside, nothing looked different. 00:11:56.900 --> 00:11:58.900 But inside, everything had changed. 00:11:59.900 --> 00:12:00.900 Everything. 00:12:02.900 --> 00:12:04.900 So I grew up in church. 00:12:05.900 --> 00:12:09.900 My grandma, my dad's mom, was a preacher. 00:12:11.900 --> 00:12:15.900 And she had two houses where she raised six crazy boys. 00:12:15.900 --> 00:12:17.900 One would be my dad. 00:12:18.900 --> 00:12:22.900 And one front part of the house, she made it to a church. 00:12:22.900 --> 00:12:27.900 Where from the neighborhood folks that couldn't have a vehicle to drive or whatever. 00:12:27.900 --> 00:12:28.900 She had church. 00:12:28.900 --> 00:12:29.900 I remember being little. 00:12:30.900 --> 00:12:32.900 Probably playing with Legos or drawing. 00:12:32.900 --> 00:12:35.900 They had like a late night circuit and felt like it probably was. 00:12:35.900 --> 00:12:38.900 Because it was a spirit field church, if you know what I mean. 00:12:39.900 --> 00:12:45.900 And I remember being on the floor playing and I kept my grandma crying and speaking to tongues. 00:12:45.900 --> 00:12:51.900 And all of a sudden this big lady from an neighborhood just like fell in the spirit. 00:12:51.900 --> 00:12:55.900 Our property sent us a term "slaying" in the spirit. 00:12:58.900 --> 00:13:08.900 I grew up in church where there was a lot of emphasis on freedom, spiritual warfare, breakthrough, healing, miracles, altar calls. 00:13:08.900 --> 00:13:10.900 Oh my god. 00:13:10.900 --> 00:13:12.900 Anybody ever been to an altar call? 00:13:14.900 --> 00:13:16.900 And also this thing called purity culture. 00:13:16.900 --> 00:13:21.900 I'm not going to die there because, again, I've got to stay in line. 00:13:28.900 --> 00:13:31.900 There was even this song in children's church. 00:13:31.900 --> 00:13:35.900 I'm so glad they don't do this in our some kids area. 00:13:35.900 --> 00:13:42.900 It says if you don't read your Bible and pray every day, you will shrink, shrink, shrink. 00:13:42.900 --> 00:13:43.900 You will shrink. 00:13:43.900 --> 00:13:49.900 And then the opposite is if you read your Bible and pray every day, you will grow, grow, grow. 00:13:50.900 --> 00:13:52.900 I don't understand why I'm short. 00:13:54.900 --> 00:13:59.900 Because this boy, you will pray a lot. 00:14:00.900 --> 00:14:06.900 I joke that people tell people I'm bald because of all the hands that have been laid on my porch. 00:14:07.900 --> 00:14:09.900 And push my hairline back. 00:14:15.900 --> 00:14:18.900 But underneath all that was another message. 00:14:19.900 --> 00:14:24.900 If I prayed harder, this mountain would move. 00:14:25.900 --> 00:14:30.900 If I were so hard, breakthrough was coming. 00:14:30.900 --> 00:14:35.900 If I had enough faith, healing would happen. 00:14:35.900 --> 00:14:41.900 And if I performed well enough, I was good and right in Christ. 00:14:41.900 --> 00:14:47.900 I remember always feeling like I wasn't right with God and that I needed to do more. 00:14:48.900 --> 00:14:54.900 Without realizing, I began believing that it was my job to hold on to God. 00:14:55.900 --> 00:14:57.900 Can I ask everyone to do something? 00:14:58.900 --> 00:15:01.900 You can do both fists or one fists. 00:15:01.900 --> 00:15:03.900 Just cleanse your tight. 00:15:04.900 --> 00:15:06.900 If you have arthritis, please don't do that. 00:15:06.900 --> 00:15:09.900 Or medical condition. 00:15:10.900 --> 00:15:15.900 But just hold it tight until you absolutely need to release. 00:15:15.900 --> 00:15:17.900 Or I say you can release now. 00:15:21.900 --> 00:15:23.900 Hold on to certainty. 00:15:25.900 --> 00:15:27.900 Hold on to expectations. 00:15:28.900 --> 00:15:30.900 Hold on to your image of God. 00:15:31.900 --> 00:15:33.900 Hold on to your answers. 00:15:34.900 --> 00:15:36.900 Hold on to your pain. 00:15:37.900 --> 00:15:39.900 Hold on to your shame. 00:15:40.900 --> 00:15:42.900 Hold on to your fear. 00:15:44.900 --> 00:15:48.900 For years I was trying to hold my world together. 00:15:51.900 --> 00:16:00.900 My theology, my certainty, my expectations, my image of God, my ministry, my answers. 00:16:01.900 --> 00:16:02.900 And you know what? 00:16:03.900 --> 00:16:05.900 These chubby brown hands became tired. 00:16:10.900 --> 00:16:11.900 I'm really tired. 00:16:12.900 --> 00:16:14.900 And then I couldn't hold them anymore. 00:16:14.900 --> 00:16:16.900 Everything failed. 00:16:19.900 --> 00:16:21.900 Are any of your hands hurting them? 00:16:25.900 --> 00:16:26.900 Okay. 00:16:30.900 --> 00:16:32.900 You feel your blood circulate again? 00:16:34.900 --> 00:16:37.900 You feel the pain and the pressure begin into... 00:16:38.900 --> 00:16:40.900 That's just physically imagined. 00:16:40.900 --> 00:16:46.900 What that's like emotionally and mentally or spiritually when you hold on to things like that. 00:16:50.900 --> 00:16:54.900 Now in the house that I grew up in there was this incredible woman. 00:16:55.900 --> 00:16:58.900 She was the one through whom God brought me to this world. 00:16:59.900 --> 00:17:02.900 She cared me before she ever held me. 00:17:03.900 --> 00:17:06.900 She was my advocate before I ever knew I needed one. 00:17:07.900 --> 00:17:10.900 She nurtured me, believed me. 00:17:12.900 --> 00:17:20.900 So the brave did need, and somehow had this way of making me feel safe even when the world did. 00:17:22.900 --> 00:17:31.900 She was my greatest cheerleader, my fiercest protector, and one of the players' pictures of unconditional love I've ever known. 00:17:32.900 --> 00:17:33.900 She was my mom. 00:17:36.900 --> 00:17:41.900 Life has a way of putting weight on us that we never plan to ever care. 00:17:43.900 --> 00:17:45.900 My mom got sick. 00:17:47.900 --> 00:17:49.900 My mom got sick. 00:17:50.900 --> 00:17:57.900 You see, from me, religion and church didn't teach me that suffering was an innocent part of life. 00:17:58.900 --> 00:18:02.900 It's just a matter of what I wasn't even prepared for. 00:18:03.900 --> 00:18:06.900 I discovered grief doesn't fit inside of all of us. 00:18:07.900 --> 00:18:09.900 Nobody prepared me for suffering. 00:18:10.900 --> 00:18:15.900 Nobody told me that faith and questions could coexist together. 00:18:16.900 --> 00:18:21.900 Nobody told me that loving God didn't even exempt me from heartbreak. 00:18:23.900 --> 00:18:27.900 See, the way I was raised, it was like there was this bubble that lived around me. 00:18:28.900 --> 00:18:35.900 And I felt like anything that would come near this bubble, because of how I was taught, all I needed to do was just pray away. 00:18:36.900 --> 00:18:38.900 Worsharp. Worsharp. 00:18:40.900 --> 00:18:41.900 Worsharp. 00:18:45.900 --> 00:18:49.900 When everything's shacked, we show the next visual. 00:18:53.900 --> 00:18:55.900 Everything's shacked. 00:18:57.900 --> 00:19:01.900 Not just around me, inside me. 00:19:02.900 --> 00:19:08.900 I've spent years leading worship, seeing songs of faith, songs of deliverance, 00:19:09.900 --> 00:19:15.900 playing the piano, opening my Bible, praying for people, teaching, and those things weren't just what I did. 00:19:16.900 --> 00:19:18.900 They were a part of who I was. 00:19:19.900 --> 00:19:24.900 But when deconstruction came, I just couldn't anymore. 00:19:25.900 --> 00:19:28.900 I couldn't see the songs anymore. I couldn't open up my Bible. 00:19:29.900 --> 00:19:32.900 I couldn't pray. I couldn't even listen to worship music. 00:19:33.900 --> 00:19:41.900 And all of a sudden, I was angry at God because I did not understand Him, or He's so called loving ways. 00:19:44.900 --> 00:19:54.900 I remember, in this time, when I was beginning to go through my deconstruction, I didn't realize it was that time. 00:19:56.900 --> 00:20:03.900 I had met this pastor at a leaders' cohort meeting a couple years prior to this. 00:20:04.900 --> 00:20:09.900 The pastor just said, "Hey, if you ever want to be up for coffee, you can talk. Hit me up." 00:20:10.900 --> 00:20:15.900 I think maybe only a year, maybe two, had passed. 00:20:16.900 --> 00:20:20.900 And when I was going through all of this, I was working for a different church. 00:20:21.900 --> 00:20:25.900 I literally had resigned my position because it wasn't about the money for me. 00:20:26.900 --> 00:20:28.900 It was about authenticity. 00:20:29.900 --> 00:20:35.900 I didn't want it just for the page. I had no faith to give. I had no faith in God anymore. 00:20:36.900 --> 00:20:41.900 And the pastor that I had met, his face kept coming to my mind. 00:20:42.900 --> 00:20:46.900 My heart is pastured at a long period. 00:20:49.900 --> 00:20:53.900 And I was on an Instagram at that time. I remember a message to you, Hannah, when I said, 00:20:54.900 --> 00:21:00.900 "I don't know if this is the Holy Spirit or what you want to call it, but I need someone to talk to." 00:21:02.900 --> 00:21:04.900 This pastor made himself available to me. 00:21:10.900 --> 00:21:15.900 He began to tell me that I don't have all the answers, but I was learning with you. 00:21:17.900 --> 00:21:22.900 He told me that religion had painted this image of God that was not accurate. 00:21:23.900 --> 00:21:30.900 That God wanted to give me a blank canvas, and he thought I wanted to show me what history colors were. 00:21:31.900 --> 00:21:38.900 Meaning of a creative artist's musician, I could scratch what he was telling me. 00:21:42.900 --> 00:21:48.900 After a few weeks of meeting with him, we didn't just have a 45-minute coffee conversation. 00:21:49.900 --> 00:21:53.900 He rearranged his days sometimes because our conversations were long. 00:21:54.900 --> 00:22:01.900 He knew I was at spiritually, emotionally, immensely, and made it pretty clear that I never wanted to step foot with church again. 00:22:02.900 --> 00:22:05.900 So he never even invited me to his church. 00:22:07.900 --> 00:22:16.900 But through the love that I had never experienced within the community of faith, in this capacity, it made me curious. 00:22:17.900 --> 00:22:24.900 I wanted to know that people at this church were like this crazy, long, bearded person. 00:22:28.900 --> 00:22:34.900 I would show up late to service and leave early because I wasn't in a place to talk with people. 00:22:39.900 --> 00:22:43.900 If you don't know by now, I'm talking about Chad. Chad used to have a long beard before. 00:22:48.900 --> 00:22:54.900 And I remember looking back at Monty hearing you sing. 00:22:56.900 --> 00:23:01.900 And I just remember, believe it or not, the church used to have cues. 00:23:02.900 --> 00:23:04.900 And singing and weighing the path. 00:23:05.900 --> 00:23:12.900 And I would just cry because it hurt to listen to songs that I once was able to sing with my whole heart. 00:23:14.900 --> 00:23:19.900 But it was like through the love and the transparency and the humility. 00:23:20.900 --> 00:23:26.900 Every Sunday that I would come, it was like God was like chiseling the hardness of my heart. 00:23:27.900 --> 00:23:29.900 That makes sense. 00:23:31.900 --> 00:23:38.900 See, in that point, before everything that had once been a source of comfort, now reminded me of the pieces I was trying to pick up. 00:23:39.900 --> 00:23:41.900 Every song felt heavy. 00:23:42.900 --> 00:23:44.900 Every scripture felt complicated. 00:23:45.900 --> 00:23:48.900 Every prayer felt like it hit the ceiling and felt back down. 00:23:50.900 --> 00:23:54.900 When the house shatters, even the echoes sound different. 00:23:55.900 --> 00:23:57.900 See, this wasn't wrote down yet. 00:23:58.900 --> 00:24:05.900 In the moment, the only thing that felt safe was to walk away from this world that I had ever known, that I had lived before soul. 00:24:07.900 --> 00:24:09.900 Here's a crazy thing about brokenness. 00:24:10.900 --> 00:24:14.900 Broken walls can become open doors. 00:24:17.900 --> 00:24:19.900 Can I tell you about a story? 00:24:20.900 --> 00:24:24.900 I have a younger brother, I'm a middle child, and I'm an older sister. 00:24:25.900 --> 00:24:26.900 I don't want to hear anything. 00:24:27.900 --> 00:24:28.900 I heard it all high. 00:24:29.900 --> 00:24:30.900 Middle kids can be. 00:24:31.900 --> 00:24:35.900 My response to that is that, and a sandwich, the best part of the sandwich is the middle. 00:24:41.900 --> 00:24:47.900 My other brother, he wanted a turtle for the longest time, for the longest time. 00:24:49.900 --> 00:24:57.900 He finally got a nice fish little tank, got the plants, got this cute little rock thing that held the water for the turtle. 00:24:58.900 --> 00:25:01.900 He got one of those little little trees. 00:25:04.900 --> 00:25:06.900 My brother didn't have this turtle long. 00:25:09.900 --> 00:25:21.900 Because, when my brother learned that turtles only grow to the size of their home, my brother felt bad. 00:25:22.900 --> 00:25:25.900 So he released it and gave it his freedom. 00:25:28.900 --> 00:25:33.900 One day I realized, not because I'm short and I have chubby and cute little hands. 00:25:37.900 --> 00:25:41.900 By the way, that two teachers told me when I was eight years old that I would never be able to play piano. 00:25:42.900 --> 00:25:46.900 I wish I could go back and show them, but they were older, so one day. 00:25:49.900 --> 00:25:55.900 But, what I realized was that I was this true. 00:25:58.900 --> 00:26:02.900 And the glass walls were religion. 00:26:04.900 --> 00:26:09.900 And I got so used to living within the confinement of these glass walls. 00:26:16.900 --> 00:26:25.900 And when I started the construction, the glass were the walls of religion that told me how to live and where I could go, what I could do. 00:26:26.900 --> 00:26:35.900 When it became too small, it kept me from growing. Those walls weren't just theological. They were built from fear. 00:26:36.900 --> 00:26:45.900 Fear of asking questions. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of rejection. Fear of living honesty. 00:26:46.900 --> 00:26:49.900 Fear of embracing the truth of my own story. 00:26:51.900 --> 00:26:56.900 For years, I learned how to survive. I learned how to perform. 00:26:57.900 --> 00:27:01.900 I learned how to become whoever I thought I needed to be. 00:27:03.900 --> 00:27:06.900 But surviving isn't living. 00:27:08.900 --> 00:27:12.900 I was always told where the spirit of the Lord is. There it is. Freedom. 00:27:14.900 --> 00:27:21.900 But I'm going to add to that, authenticity is where freedom begins. 00:27:27.900 --> 00:27:33.900 See, I didn't lose God. I lost a version of God. 00:27:35.900 --> 00:27:45.900 Those are not the same thing. Chat was right. Religion painted a version of God that wasn't activated. 00:27:46.900 --> 00:27:50.900 The hardest thing for me to believe wasn't that God existed. 00:27:52.900 --> 00:27:56.900 It was that God loved me. 00:28:00.900 --> 00:28:05.900 I want to let that sit for a minute, because I was raised in the church. 00:28:06.900 --> 00:28:10.900 I was involved in the ministry. I was singing songs of God's love. 00:28:11.900 --> 00:28:19.900 And yet when deconstruction hit, the hardest truth to believe was that God loved me. 00:28:26.900 --> 00:28:36.900 Because I prayed enough, read enough, sung enough, performed enough, simply because I was loved. 00:28:41.900 --> 00:28:47.900 From much of my life, I thought I was holding on to God. 00:28:48.900 --> 00:28:53.900 Remember we did this a while ago, and our hands grew weary. 00:28:56.900 --> 00:29:08.900 But I became heavy, and my hands couldn't carry anymore, my heart couldn't carry it, my faith couldn't carry it. 00:29:09.900 --> 00:29:14.900 And that's when I realized I was never the one doing the holding. 00:29:15.900 --> 00:29:19.900 Love had been holding me all along. 00:29:22.900 --> 00:29:28.900 I asked my mom weeks before she passed. Mom, what am I going to do the day that God decides to take you home? 00:29:29.900 --> 00:29:41.900 My mother, so beautiful, so pure, and the way that she loved people, and the way that she loved God. 00:29:42.900 --> 00:29:47.900 I tell people that she is a Bible that I would gladly read in the beginning to the end. 00:29:48.900 --> 00:29:55.900 Because I saw it, how she lived. And I remember the moments, the power of the moments. 00:29:56.900 --> 00:30:03.900 I remember the day that my mom died, I had a friend that was supposed to visit me. 00:30:04.900 --> 00:30:09.900 She was going to go over to my mom's house and she didn't know that my mom had passed that morning. 00:30:12.900 --> 00:30:17.900 I went to my house and she, James Avery has this collection called "Prayer". 00:30:18.900 --> 00:30:28.900 And she had this ring, it's part of that collection, and that collection, a few years back, my brother had died, and my mom, the chain from that collection, says "Prayer". 00:30:30.900 --> 00:30:33.900 I'm in shock, it's just an hour, so I can run home and pass. 00:30:34.900 --> 00:30:37.900 And my friend is just holding me as I'm weeping. 00:30:38.900 --> 00:30:43.900 I see her hand, and I see the ring that says "Prayer". 00:30:46.900 --> 00:30:50.900 And I immediately thought of my mom's charm. 00:30:51.900 --> 00:30:59.900 And then that moment I remember when I was a teenager, I lived in still in my parents' house, waking up in the middle of the night. 00:31:01.900 --> 00:31:07.900 I looked downstairs and there in the living room, my mom was just crying, and praying to God. 00:31:08.900 --> 00:31:13.900 And I can hear her praying for my dad. I can hear her praying for us, for children. 00:31:15.900 --> 00:31:20.900 And it's just crazy because I had forgotten about that moment, and I was a teenager. 00:31:21.900 --> 00:31:29.900 And yet here is the day that my mom passes, and I'm seeing this symbol that was connected to my mom. 00:31:30.900 --> 00:31:39.900 And it's like my mom was even saying like "Meo, everything that I've taught you, like the period, not the religious part of it, the period of it." 00:31:42.900 --> 00:31:47.900 And I remember just saying "God, here's my broken heart. 00:31:49.900 --> 00:31:54.900 I don't know how I'm going to do this, but here's my broken heart." 00:31:57.900 --> 00:32:01.900 Can somebody look up Psalm 139 in the Passion Translation, please? 00:32:02.900 --> 00:32:05.900 And someone, whoever does it, you're not going to be afraid to read it real quick. 00:32:07.900 --> 00:32:11.900 So one of you can do that real quick and then just come up whenever you read it, please. 00:32:14.900 --> 00:32:19.900 So I was saying that when I asked my mom, "What am I going to do when God decides to take you home?" 00:32:20.900 --> 00:32:30.900 I said all that because I would have expected her to say a scripture or a lyric, from her favorite worship song, but she didn't. 00:32:31.900 --> 00:32:37.900 My mom's response to me was, "Meo, everything that you need is within you." 00:32:40.900 --> 00:32:44.900 It'll be two weeks, it'll be four years since my mom left this world. 00:32:46.900 --> 00:32:51.900 But you know what death didn't get to take away and never will? The love. 00:32:53.900 --> 00:32:57.900 And at this moment, I'm going to have Jen share this passage of scripture. 00:33:00.900 --> 00:33:05.900 Jen is not shy and I love that I love this little dude right here, so here you go. 00:33:08.900 --> 00:33:11.900 Lord, you know everything there is to know about me. 00:33:12.900 --> 00:33:18.900 You see, every moment of my heart and soul, and you understand my every thought before it even entered my life. 00:33:19.900 --> 00:33:21.900 You are so intimately aware of me. 00:33:22.900 --> 00:33:29.900 Lord, you read my heart like an open look, and you know all the words I've about this dude before I even started this. 00:33:30.900 --> 00:33:33.900 You know every step I will take will be my journey even in the end. 00:33:34.900 --> 00:33:39.900 You've gone into the future to prepare the way and in kindness to follow my weak. 00:33:40.900 --> 00:33:42.900 The scary form of my past. 00:33:43.900 --> 00:33:45.900 You have made your hand like me. 00:33:46.900 --> 00:33:49.900 This is just too wonderful for you to be hominizable. 00:33:50.900 --> 00:33:53.900 Your understanding of me brings me in one direction. 00:33:54.900 --> 00:33:58.900 Where can I go when your spirit, where can I run and hide from your face? 00:33:59.900 --> 00:34:01.900 If I go to heaven, you're there. 00:34:02.900 --> 00:34:04.900 If I go down to the room of the dead, you're there too. 00:34:05.900 --> 00:34:12.900 If I glide through the wings, into the shining God, you're there. If I glide into the radiant sunset, you're there with weight. 00:34:13.900 --> 00:34:15.900 Wherever I go, your hand will guide me. 00:34:16.900 --> 00:34:19.900 If I go down, it's impossible to disappear. 00:34:20.900 --> 00:34:22.900 Or to ask for the best time. 00:34:23.900 --> 00:34:26.900 For your presence, it's everywhere, creating light into my night. 00:34:27.900 --> 00:34:29.900 There is no such thing as darkness for you. 00:34:30.900 --> 00:34:33.900 The night to you is as bright as the day. 00:34:34.900 --> 00:34:36.900 There is no difference between the two. 00:34:37.900 --> 00:34:42.900 You hold my innermost being, shaking my delicate inside and my intricate outside. 00:34:43.900 --> 00:34:45.900 And move and move and move. 00:34:46.900 --> 00:34:48.900 And move them all together and on other children. 00:34:49.900 --> 00:34:52.900 I think about making me so mysteriously complex. 00:34:53.900 --> 00:34:55.900 Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. 00:34:56.900 --> 00:34:58.900 It's simply amazing to me to think about it. 00:34:59.900 --> 00:35:01.900 How early you know people's people. 00:35:02.900 --> 00:35:04.900 Give it up for Jenna. 00:35:09.900 --> 00:35:10.900 Thanks, Jenna. 00:35:11.900 --> 00:35:17.900 This passage begins with the overwhelming truth that God has already searched us completely. 00:35:18.900 --> 00:35:19.900 There is nothing hidden from him. 00:35:20.900 --> 00:35:28.900 He knows every thought before it forms, every word, before it's spoken, every place we've been, and every place we're going. 00:35:30.900 --> 00:35:33.900 Then the writer David shifts to something deeply personal. 00:35:34.900 --> 00:35:36.900 God didn't just simply pretend after birth. 00:35:37.900 --> 00:35:39.900 God intentionally formed him. 00:35:40.900 --> 00:35:50.900 Every detail of his personality, emotions, gifts, creativity, sensitivity, and uniqueness was known and woven together before he even entered the world. 00:35:53.900 --> 00:35:56.900 That tells me that we're seeking love. 00:35:59.900 --> 00:36:02.900 Not because of anything that we do or nothing that we haven't done. 00:36:04.900 --> 00:36:10.900 As he was knitting us together and our mothers own, it says that we're fearfully and wonderfully me. 00:36:13.900 --> 00:36:16.900 When I think about my mom, I think about unconditional love. 00:36:17.900 --> 00:36:21.900 She loved me before I accomplished anything, before a ministry, before success. 00:36:22.900 --> 00:36:24.900 She loved me because I was her son. 00:36:26.900 --> 00:36:28.900 But what if her love wasn't the destination? 00:36:30.900 --> 00:36:35.900 What if it was a glimpse of the way God has loved us all along? 00:36:37.900 --> 00:36:41.900 After deconstruction, there is this beautiful thing called rebuilding. 00:36:43.900 --> 00:36:45.900 Can we show that last image, please? 00:36:55.900 --> 00:37:00.900 My faith was built around healing, miracles, and certainty. 00:37:01.900 --> 00:37:04.900 Those became the walls of the house I lived in. 00:37:06.900 --> 00:37:12.900 But when those walls began to fall, I realized they had sometimes kept me from seeing what had been there all along. 00:37:14.900 --> 00:37:16.900 What remained was in certainty. 00:37:17.900 --> 00:37:18.900 It wasn't answers. 00:37:19.900 --> 00:37:20.900 It was love. 00:37:21.900 --> 00:37:24.900 The love of God that didn't disappear when my questions came. 00:37:25.900 --> 00:37:27.900 The love I experienced through my mom. 00:37:28.900 --> 00:37:33.900 Love became the foundation I discovered underneath everything else. 00:37:37.900 --> 00:37:38.900 Love is the foundation. 00:37:40.900 --> 00:37:42.900 Today my house doesn't look like it used to. 00:37:43.900 --> 00:37:43.900 I'm healing. 00:37:44.900 --> 00:37:50.900 I'm learning to embrace the truth of who I am and what my mom taught me that everything I need is within it. 00:37:52.900 --> 00:37:54.900 I still have questions. 00:37:55.900 --> 00:37:56.900 I have mystery. 00:37:57.900 --> 00:37:58.900 But this house is full of life. 00:37:59.900 --> 00:38:02.900 I'm still rebuilding, but it's full of color. 00:38:03.900 --> 00:38:04.900 It's full of grace. 00:38:05.900 --> 00:38:06.900 I don't live in fear anymore. 00:38:07.900 --> 00:38:08.900 I live in love. 00:38:12.900 --> 00:38:16.900 I don't know where your heart is today. 00:38:18.900 --> 00:38:20.900 I don't know what you've been through. 00:38:22.900 --> 00:38:24.900 We all have different stories. 00:38:26.900 --> 00:38:28.900 I never thought that I'd be a hospice chaplain. 00:38:31.900 --> 00:38:35.900 People are like, "Oh my God, that's so heavy. That's so hard. It is." 00:38:36.900 --> 00:38:38.900 But it's also a beautiful thing. 00:38:39.900 --> 00:38:42.900 When you've experienced brokenness and hope and love, 00:38:43.900 --> 00:38:49.900 and you just understand that every single human being deserves to know that type of experience in your life. 00:38:52.900 --> 00:38:54.900 That no matter what you've done, you're loved. 00:38:55.900 --> 00:38:57.900 No matter where you've been, you're loved. 00:38:58.900 --> 00:39:00.900 No matter how you view yourself, you are loved. 00:39:01.900 --> 00:39:05.900 No matter what someone has spoken over you, you are loved. 00:39:10.900 --> 00:39:13.900 I love where I'm at now because it's not about performance and production. 00:39:15.900 --> 00:39:18.900 Having a relationship with God doesn't feel like weight anymore. 00:39:20.900 --> 00:39:29.900 There's not a formula to tell you, "You know, if you don't read, you're not like, "No, it is an experience and you just have experience." 00:39:30.900 --> 00:39:35.900 And once you've experienced that, you can't help but give that to others. 00:39:36.900 --> 00:39:37.900 You just can't. 00:39:42.900 --> 00:39:45.900 I just want you to know that you don't have to keep holding on. 00:39:46.900 --> 00:39:51.900 Because love has you. Whether you realize it or not. 00:39:52.900 --> 00:39:53.900 Love has you. 00:39:55.900 --> 00:39:56.900 I was sharing with Chad. 00:39:58.900 --> 00:39:59.900 That's my income. 00:40:00.900 --> 00:40:02.900 I was sharing with Chad. It was a few nights ago. I could not sleep. 00:40:03.900 --> 00:40:08.900 I started to listen to audio books that helped me just calm this brain of mine. 00:40:12.900 --> 00:40:16.900 I started to listen to the songs that I used to love back in the day. 00:40:18.900 --> 00:40:21.900 Some of them I just laughed like, "No, I would never sing that song again." 00:40:22.900 --> 00:40:24.900 I don't think that way, I don't believe that way. 00:40:25.900 --> 00:40:29.900 And then I came across this song that we're going to do right now. 00:40:37.900 --> 00:40:41.900 I hope my story opens your heart.