[{"start": 0.882, "end": 19.018, "text": "Hey everybody, welcome to episode 385 of The Virtual Couch. I am your host Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified mindful habit coach, writer, speaker, husband, father of four, and creator of The Path Back, an online pornography recovery program that is helping people reclaim their lives from turning to pornography as an unhealthy coping mechanism.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Hey everybody, welcome to episode 385 of The Virtual Couch. I am your host Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified mindful habit coach, writer, speaker, husband, father of four, and creator of The Path Back, an online pornography recovery program that is helping people reclaim their lives from turning to pornography as an unhealthy coping mechanism.", 0.88, 19.02, 0.9982156157493591]]}, {"start": 19.018, "end": 24.458, "text": "Mechanism. But today I want to get right to the episode. I want this to be one that will be a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Mechanism. But today I want to get right to the episode. I want this to be one that will be a", 19.02, 24.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 24.458, "end": 31.823, "text": "baseline episode to talk about couples communication or communication in general using my four pillars.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["baseline episode to talk about couples communication or communication in general using my four pillars.", 24.46, 31.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 32.183, "end": 39.338, "text": "So I want to start with a bit of a narrative, a story. And this is a an email that came in from", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So I want to start with a bit of a narrative, a story. And this is a an email that came in from", 32.18, 39.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 39.403, "end": 44.458, "text": "two listeners. So let me just dive in. The subject was our journey to connection and understanding.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["two listeners. So let me just dive in. The subject was our journey to connection and understanding.", 39.4, 44.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 44.458, "end": 49.738, "text": "Thank you, Tony. Dear Tony, we hope this email finds you well. We are Kent and Eliza. Those", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Thank you, Tony. Dear Tony, we hope this email finds you well. We are Kent and Eliza. Those", 44.46, 49.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 49.738, "end": 55.283, "text": "are not our real names. A couple who were teetering on the edge of divorce after 25 years of marriage.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["are not our real names. A couple who were teetering on the edge of divorce after 25 years of marriage.", 49.74, 55.28, 1.0]]}, {"start": 55.778, "end": 59.829, "text": "As strange as it might sound, we write to you today with joy in our hearts and gratitude", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["As strange as it might sound, we write to you today with joy in our hearts and gratitude", 55.78, 59.83, 1.0]]}, {"start": 60.189, "end": 65.018, "text": "on our lips. Your magnetic marriage course and the concepts within, without exaggeration,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["on our lips. Your magnetic marriage course and the concepts within, without exaggeration,", 60.19, 65.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 65.018, "end": 69.407, "text": "has shaved, has shaved. I feel like I need to leave that in. Has shaved our marriage.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["has shaved, has shaved. I feel like I need to leave that in. Has shaved our marriage.", 65.02, 69.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 69.804, "end": 73.954, "text": "But it has saved our marriage. The rut we found ourselves in was deep and painful.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But it has saved our marriage. The rut we found ourselves in was deep and painful.", 69.8, 73.95, 1.0]]}, {"start": 74.062, "end": 77.978, "text": "Over the years, our dreams of a beautiful future together had become masked with the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Over the years, our dreams of a beautiful future together had become masked with the", 74.06, 77.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 77.978, "end": 82.056, "text": "drudgery of everyday life. We were stuck in an endless loop of we will be happy when,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["drudgery of everyday life. We were stuck in an endless loop of we will be happy when,", 77.98, 82.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 82.542, "end": 86.134, "text": "continuously pushing our happiness into a seemingly unattainable future.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["continuously pushing our happiness into a seemingly unattainable future.", 82.54, 86.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 86.665, "end": 91.338, "text": "After a quarter of a century of growing emotional disconnection, we felt on the brink of ending our", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["After a quarter of a century of growing emotional disconnection, we felt on the brink of ending our", 86.66, 91.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 91.338, "end": 95.738, "text": "marriage. It was in these dire straits that we discovered your course and the four pillars of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["marriage. It was in these dire straits that we discovered your course and the four pillars of", 91.34, 95.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 95.738, "end": 100.438, "text": "a connected conversation. This framework offered us an approach that was insightful yet practical.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a connected conversation. This framework offered us an approach that was insightful yet practical.", 95.74, 100.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 100.96, "end": 105.074, "text": "A recent financial discussion tested whether or not it could work in the most challenging way.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["A recent financial discussion tested whether or not it could work in the most challenging way.", 100.96, 105.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 105.525, "end": 110.858, "text": "Yes, we laid this out assuming, okay, maybe hoping that you'd include this in a podcast", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Yes, we laid this out assuming, okay, maybe hoping that you'd include this in a podcast", 105.52, 110.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 110.858, "end": 115.578, "text": "or honestly even in your advertising material, so forgive us. Okay, Kent suggested I own the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or honestly even in your advertising material, so forgive us. Okay, Kent suggested I own the", 110.86, 115.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 115.578, "end": 119.658, "text": "fact that this is me, Eliza, who laid the story out the way that I did. You'll see what I mean.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["fact that this is me, Eliza, who laid the story out the way that I did. You'll see what I mean.", 115.58, 119.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 120.522, "end": 124.006, "text": "So here's what happened. And yes, I, Eliza, wrote this in the third person.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So here's what happened. And yes, I, Eliza, wrote this in the third person.", 120.52, 124.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 124.249, "end": 127.634, "text": "Eliza enjoyed writing in the third person, and she said, see what I did?", "confidence": 0.94, "timestamps": [["Eliza enjoyed writing in the third person, and she said, see what I did?", 124.25, 127.63, 0.9397098422050476]]}, {"start": 128.435, "end": 132.45, "text": "One evening, a seemingly mundane topic of discussion spiraled into an intense argument.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["One evening, a seemingly mundane topic of discussion spiraled into an intense argument.", 128.44, 132.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 132.963, "end": 137.165, "text": "Eliza mentioned they needed to start saving more for retirement, which Kent perceived as a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Eliza mentioned they needed to start saving more for retirement, which Kent perceived as a", 132.96, 137.17, 1.0]]}, {"start": 137.165, "end": 142.045, "text": "criticism of his financial management. He felt cornered and he lashed out, accusing Eliza of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["criticism of his financial management. He felt cornered and he lashed out, accusing Eliza of", 137.17, 142.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 142.045, "end": 147.885, "text": "not appreciating his efforts and she was no spin thrift herself. However, instead of escalating", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["not appreciating his efforts and she was no spin thrift herself. However, instead of escalating", 142.05, 147.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 147.885, "end": 154.605, "text": "the argument, Eliza paused to ground herself. Remembering, g, or ground yourself, which is a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the argument, Eliza paused to ground herself. Remembering, g, or ground yourself, which is a", 147.89, 154.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 154.605, "end": 159.645, "text": "pre-pillar to the four pillars of a connected conversation. Instead of reacting to Kent's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["pre-pillar to the four pillars of a connected conversation. Instead of reacting to Kent's", 154.61, 159.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 159.645, "end": 164.525, "text": "anger, okay, Kent thinks frustration would be a better word. And honestly, even him suggesting", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["anger, okay, Kent thinks frustration would be a better word. And honestly, even him suggesting", 159.65, 164.53, 1.0]]}, {"start": 164.525, "end": 169.405, "text": "that was a positive exchange. I can't make this up. That was an insertion there by Eliza in the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that was a positive exchange. I can't make this up. That was an insertion there by Eliza in the", 164.53, 169.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 169.405, "end": 174.605, "text": "story. But okay, back to the story. Instead of reacting to Kent's frustration, she noted", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["story. But okay, back to the story. Instead of reacting to Kent's frustration, she noted", 169.41, 174.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 174.605, "end": 181.005, "text": "objectively, Kent is defensive about our finances. Then she shifted to the base pillars. So let me", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["objectively, Kent is defensive about our finances. Then she shifted to the base pillars. So let me", 174.61, 181.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 181.005, "end": 187.725, "text": "jump in here. This is Tony. So in my $19 marriage workshop, I use the BASE acronym to describe", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["jump in here. This is Tony. So in my $19 marriage workshop, I use the BASE acronym to describe", 181.01, 187.73, 1.0]]}, {"start": 187.725, "end": 190.725, "text": "the four pillars. And I'm going to get into that more today because I haven't used BASE", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the four pillars. And I'm going to get into that more today because I haven't used BASE", 187.73, 190.73, 1.0]]}, {"start": 190.725, "end": 195.645, "text": "on the podcast. And yes, I am talking about four pillars. I'm talking about this BASE", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["on the podcast. And yes, I am talking about four pillars. I'm talking about this BASE", 190.73, 195.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 195.645, "end": 200.685, "text": "acronym. I'm talking about a pre pillar, which is based off of Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["acronym. I'm talking about a pre pillar, which is based off of Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent", 195.65, 200.69, 1.0]]}, {"start": 200.685, "end": 207.259, "text": "communication. But I really do want to lay out as much data as I can to help people.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["communication. But I really do want to lay out as much data as I can to help people.", 200.69, 207.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 207.605, "end": 213.365, "text": "Now yes, I am selling a course and I have a workshop, but we'll talk about that a little", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Now yes, I am selling a course and I have a workshop, but we'll talk about that a little", 207.61, 213.37, 1.0]]}, {"start": 213.365, "end": 214.506, "text": "bit later in the podcast.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["bit later in the podcast.", 213.37, 214.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 214.925, "end": 218.245, "text": "But I do want people to just know that there is a framework out there and I want to give", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But I do want people to just know that there is a framework out there and I want to give", 214.93, 218.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 218.245, "end": 221.925, "text": "as much information as I can and I don't want it to feel like I'm just selling you this", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["as much information as I can and I don't want it to feel like I'm just selling you this", 218.25, 221.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 221.925, "end": 228.025, "text": "destination and then giving you no good information on the way to that destination of learning", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["destination and then giving you no good information on the way to that destination of learning", 221.93, 228.03, 1.0]]}, {"start": 228.025, "end": 232.565, "text": "how to create a more connected relationship based off of better communication principles", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["how to create a more connected relationship based off of better communication principles", 228.03, 232.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 232.565, "end": 236.445, "text": "because I truly love what I do and I want to put this out to the world so that people", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because I truly love what I do and I want to put this out to the world so that people", 232.57, 236.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 236.445, "end": 238.056, "text": "will communicate more effectively.", "confidence": 0.84, "timestamps": [["will communicate more effectively.", 236.45, 238.06, 0.8355777859687805]]}, {"start": 240.171, "end": 244.844, "text": "Again, in my $19 Marriage Workshop, I use the BASE acronym, and it describes these four pillars.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Again, in my $19 Marriage Workshop, I use the BASE acronym, and it describes these four", 240.17, 244.38, 1.0], ["pillars.", 244.38, 244.84, 1.0]]}, {"start": 245.381, "end": 250.002, "text": "And in this new, updated Magnetic Marriage course, I go heavy into the BASE acronym.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And in this new, updated Magnetic Marriage course, I go heavy into the BASE acronym.", 245.38, 250.0, 1.0]]}, {"start": 250.541, "end": 254.821, "text": "Because I do find that it is just easier to have a solid acronym, and if my hope or my", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because I do find that it is just easier to have a solid acronym, and if my hope or my", 250.54, 254.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 254.821, "end": 258.185, "text": "goal is to have the four pillars eventually taught to kids directly out of the womb, I'm.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["goal is to have the four pillars eventually taught to kids directly out of the womb, I'm.", 254.82, 258.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 258.901, "end": 262.261, "text": "Kind of joking, but I truly believe that we need to talk about emotions and empathy and", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Kind of joking, but I truly believe that we need to talk about emotions and empathy and", 258.9, 262.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 262.261, "end": 266.827, "text": "accountability and a healthy framework of communication as much as we need to be talking", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["accountability and a healthy framework of communication as much as we need to be talking", 262.26, 266.83, 1.0]]}, {"start": 266.941, "end": 271.553, "text": "about math and science and other subjects in school because I just think we need to,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["about math and science and other subjects in school because I just think we need to,", 266.94, 271.55, 0.9966878294944763]]}, {"start": 272.03, "end": 276.081, "text": "start allowing people to feel emotions and know what to do with them so we can move forward", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["start allowing people to feel emotions and know what to do with them so we can move forward", 272.03, 276.08, 0.9966878294944763]]}, {"start": 276.081, "end": 280.401, "text": "and not feel like we continually have to manage other people's emotions and the way that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and not feel like we continually have to manage other people's emotions and the way that", 276.08, 280.4, 0.9966878294944763]]}, {"start": 280.401, "end": 283.319, "text": "we react to things. But I digress, back to the email.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we react to things. But I digress, back to the email.", 280.4, 283.32, 0.9966878294944763]]}, {"start": 283.868, "end": 288.961, "text": "Okay, Eliza shifted to the four pillars using the BASE acronym, which is B, benefit of the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Okay, Eliza shifted to the four pillars using the BASE acronym, which is B, benefit of the", 283.87, 288.96, 0.9966878294944763]]}, {"start": 288.961, "end": 293.341, "text": "doubt, which was formerly known as assume good intentions or there's a reason why people", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["doubt, which was formerly known as assume good intentions or there's a reason why people", 288.96, 293.34, 0.9966878294944763]]}, {"start": 293.341, "end": 297.501, "text": "do the things that they do. So, benefit of the doubt, despite Kent's defensive reaction,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["do the things that they do. So, benefit of the doubt, despite Kent's defensive reaction,", 293.34, 297.5, 1.0]]}, {"start": 297.501, "end": 301.821, "text": "Eliza remembered Kent's inherent good nature. She married him, after all. She understood", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Eliza remembered Kent's inherent good nature. She married him, after all. She understood", 297.5, 301.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 301.821, "end": 306.581, "text": "his defensiveness was not a personal attack, but there was a reason why he was defensive.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["his defensiveness was not a personal attack, but there was a reason why he was defensive.", 301.82, 306.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 306.581, "end": 311.421, "text": "It stemmed from his feeling of being misunderstood. And she said that eventually, as they talked", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It stemmed from his feeling of being misunderstood. And she said that eventually, as they talked", 306.58, 311.42, 1.0]]}, {"start": 311.421, "end": 316.682, "text": "more and more about where that came from, using this base acronym or these four pillars,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["more and more about where that came from, using this base acronym or these four pillars,", 311.42, 316.68, 1.0]]}, {"start": 316.861, "end": 323.301, "text": "she realized that it really wasn't even necessarily about her. It was more of him feeling misunderstood,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["she realized that it really wasn't even necessarily about her. It was more of him feeling misunderstood,", 316.86, 323.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 323.301, "end": 326.781, "text": "Unheard not feeling like he has been enough literally since childhood", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["Unheard not feeling like he has been enough literally since childhood", 323.3, 326.78, 0.9763273000717163]]}, {"start": 327.133, "end": 331.401, "text": "So we got all the way back into the good old childhood abandonment and an attachment wounds.", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["So we got all the way back into the good old childhood abandonment and an attachment wounds.", 327.13, 331.4, 0.9763273000717163]]}, {"start": 332.166, "end": 336.961, "text": "But she said again, she understood his defensiveness wasn't a personal attack but stemmed from his feeling of being misunderstood,", "confidence": 0.98, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But she said again, she understood his defensiveness wasn't a personal attack but stemmed from his feeling of being misunderstood,", 332.17, 336.96, 0.9763273000717163]]}, {"start": 337.621, "end": 344.391, "text": "That's B a accept their perspective. So this is my pillar too so accepting their perspective or", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["That's B a accept their perspective. So this is my pillar too", 337.62, 342.5, 0.9763273000717163], ["so accepting their perspective or", 342.5, 344.39, 0.9763273000717163]]}, {"start": 344.701, "end": 350.181, "text": "You cannot tell them that they are wrong or you don't believe them even if you feel like they are wrong or you find yourself", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["You cannot tell them that they are wrong or you don't believe them even if you feel like they are wrong or you find yourself", 344.7, 350.18, 0.9763273000717163]]}, {"start": 350.181, "end": 354.041, "text": "yourself not believing them because you are accepting that this is their perspective.", "confidence": 0.88, "timestamps": [["yourself not believing them because you are accepting that this is their perspective.", 350.18, 354.04, 0.8779266476631165]]}, {"start": 355.04, "end": 360.25, "text": "So again, my pillar two or accepting their perspective, it's more of a mindset. It's a", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So again, my pillar two or accepting their perspective, it's more of a mindset. It's a", 355.04, 360.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 360.442, "end": 365.15, "text": "thing that is happening. The person who is listening, so Eliza in this situation,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["thing that is happening. The person who is listening, so Eliza in this situation,", 360.44, 365.15, 1.0]]}, {"start": 365.321, "end": 370.57, "text": "is accepting that this is his perspective and she is, even if she finds herself internally thinking", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["is accepting that this is his perspective and she is, even if she finds herself internally thinking", 365.32, 370.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 370.776, "end": 375.097, "text": "that's ridiculous or I don't believe you, that's something that she's just keeping to herself", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that's ridiculous or I don't believe you, that's something that she's just keeping to herself", 370.78, 375.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 375.449, "end": 381.273, "text": "so that she can stay present, which then leads to pillar three, which is the S in base,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["so that she can stay present, which then leads to pillar three, which is the S in base,", 375.45, 381.27, 1.0]]}, {"start": 381.516, "end": 389.13, "text": "Seek first to understand, which yes, it's borrowed from Stephen Covey. In my previous renditions of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Seek first to understand, which yes, it's borrowed from Stephen Covey. In my previous renditions of", 381.52, 389.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 389.13, "end": 393.37, "text": "the four pillars, I said questions before comments, but let's just call it what it is.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the four pillars, I said questions before comments, but let's just call it what it is.", 389.13, 393.37, 1.0]]}, {"start": 393.37, "end": 397.77, "text": "It comes from that seek first to understand. So she said, rather than jumping to solutions", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It comes from that seek first to understand. So she said, rather than jumping to solutions", 393.37, 397.77, 1.0]]}, {"start": 397.77, "end": 404.33, "text": "or deflections, Eliza then asked Kent open-ended questions about his fears and insecurities related", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or deflections, Eliza then asked Kent open-ended questions about his fears and insecurities related", 397.77, 404.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 404.33, "end": 408.982, "text": "to their finances. This way, she began to understand the root cause of his defensiveness.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to their finances. This way, she began to understand the root cause of his defensiveness.", 404.33, 408.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 409.558, "end": 413.21, "text": "And we'll get into this a little bit later in this podcast as I break down that third pillar.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And we'll get into this a little bit later in this podcast as I break down that third pillar.", 409.56, 413.21, 1.0]]}, {"start": 413.411, "end": 416.706, "text": "This one is really difficult because this is going to bring up a lot of that discomfort,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["This one is really difficult because this is going to bring up a lot of that discomfort,", 413.41, 416.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 417.21, "end": 422.65, "text": "and it is going to cause a lot of yeah buts in your own mind, which is why the pre-pillar of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and it is going to cause a lot of yeah buts in your own mind, which is why the pre-pillar of", 417.21, 422.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 422.65, "end": 426.33, "text": "observation and judgment and then giving the person the benefit of the doubt and accepting", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["observation and judgment and then giving the person the benefit of the doubt and accepting", 422.65, 426.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 426.33, "end": 430.81, "text": "their perspective are so important to get to this place where you're now asking these open-ended", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["their perspective are so important to get to this place where you're now asking these open-ended", 426.33, 430.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 430.81, "end": 437.05, "text": "questions. So then the last pillar, which my former pillar for, which is leaning in or staying", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["questions. So then the last pillar, which my former pillar for, which is leaning in or staying", 430.81, 437.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 437.05, "end": 441.453, "text": "Being present now, we have it as the E in BASE, embrace the conversation.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Being present now, we have it as the E in BASE, embrace the conversation.", 437.05, 441.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 442.33, "end": 447.85, "text": "So despite the tension, because we are so afraid of contention that we avoid tension", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So despite the tension, because we are so afraid of contention that we avoid tension", 442.33, 447.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 447.85, "end": 454.57, "text": "altogether, Eliza stayed engaged in the conversation, refusing to retreat into victimhood or provoke", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["altogether, Eliza stayed engaged in the conversation, refusing to retreat into victimhood or provoke", 447.85, 454.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 454.57, "end": 456.1, "text": "further defensiveness in Kent.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["further defensiveness in Kent.", 454.57, 456.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 456.69, "end": 459.908, "text": "And she honestly empathized with Kent's stress.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And she honestly empathized with Kent's stress.", 456.69, 459.91, 1.0]]}, {"start": 460.53, "end": 466.85, "text": "And she was able to step outside of her own ego and be able to realize that this person,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And she was able to step outside of her own ego and be able to realize that this person,", 460.53, 466.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 466.85, "end": 474.37, "text": "she cares about, that he really does worry about how he's being viewed in the family dynamic.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["she cares about, that he really does worry about how he's being viewed in the family dynamic.", 466.85, 474.37, 1.0]]}, {"start": 475.041, "end": 479.33, "text": "And she had much greater empathy for him than she has felt in a very long time.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And she had much greater empathy for him than she has felt in a very long time.", 475.04, 479.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 479.983, "end": 485.81, "text": "So, after witnessing Eliza's approach, Kent absolutely felt heard and he felt understood.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So, after witnessing Eliza's approach, Kent absolutely felt heard and he felt understood.", 479.98, 485.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 486.645, "end": 490.53, "text": "And at that moment then, because of the work that they had done in the course, he now knew", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And at that moment then, because of the work that they had done in the course, he now knew", 486.64, 490.53, 1.0]]}, {"start": 490.687, "end": 497.204, "text": "that he was going to give her the same respect, the same experience of now becoming the listener,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that he was going to give her the same respect, the same experience of now becoming the listener,", 490.69, 497.2, 1.0]]}, {"start": 497.672, "end": 502.05, "text": "and it was Eliza's turn to be the speaker. So, Kent was encouraged to apply those same", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and it was Eliza's turn to be the speaker. So, Kent was encouraged to apply those same", 497.67, 502.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 502.05, "end": 506.13, "text": "principles. He asked questions to understand Eliza's perspective better, and he stayed", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["principles. He asked questions to understand Eliza's perspective better, and he stayed", 502.05, 506.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 506.13, "end": 510.45, "text": "present in the conversation. He also started giving Eliza the benefit of the doubt, realizing", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["present in the conversation. He also started giving Eliza the benefit of the doubt, realizing", 506.13, 510.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 510.45, "end": 515.09, "text": "that her concerns about finances stemmed from her worries about their future and not from any", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that her concerns about finances stemmed from her worries about their future and not from any", 510.45, 515.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 515.09, "end": 516.613, "text": "deficiency on his part.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["deficiency on his part.", 515.09, 516.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 517.57, "end": 522.71, "text": "So by using this base approach, Eliza and Kent transformed what could have been a relationship-ending", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So by using this base approach, Eliza and Kent transformed what could have been a relationship-ending", 517.57, 522.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 522.71, "end": 526.498, "text": "argument into an opportunity for mutual understanding and connection.", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["argument into an opportunity for mutual understanding and connection.", 522.71, 526.5, 0.9819729328155518]]}, {"start": 527.371, "end": 532.341, "text": "She said, the course didn't provide us with an instant happily ever after, but it gave us more", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["She said, the course didn't provide us with an instant happily ever after, but it gave us more", 527.37, 532.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 532.341, "end": 536.821, "text": "tools to navigate through our challenges. We found ourselves communicating more effectively,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["tools to navigate through our challenges. We found ourselves communicating more effectively,", 532.34, 536.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 536.821, "end": 541.461, "text": "we were understanding each other better, and we were slowly rebuilding the connection that we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we were understanding each other better, and we were slowly rebuilding the connection that we", 536.82, 541.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 541.461, "end": 546.181, "text": "thought that we had lost. Like so many conversations in the past, this discussion could have easily", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["thought that we had lost. Like so many conversations in the past, this discussion could have easily", 541.46, 546.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 546.181, "end": 550.471, "text": "descended into an argument. Our perspectives on our finances were markedly different,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["descended into an argument. Our perspectives on our finances were markedly different,", 546.18, 550.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 550.786, "end": 556.101, "text": "each of us feeling misunderstood and undervalued by the other. It was absolutely a recipe for", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["each of us feeling misunderstood and undervalued by the other. It was absolutely a recipe for", 550.79, 556.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 556.101, "end": 561.061, "text": "disaster, but we remembered your guidance and we decided to put the four pillars or this base", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["disaster, but we remembered your guidance and we decided to put the four pillars or this base", 556.1, 561.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 561.061, "end": 565.941, "text": "approach to the test. And we had to begin by grounding ourselves in our observations. We", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["approach to the test. And we had to begin by grounding ourselves in our observations. We", 561.06, 565.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 565.941, "end": 570.181, "text": "had to leave judgments and assumptions at the door. We provided each other the benefit of the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["had to leave judgments and assumptions at the door. We provided each other the benefit of the", 565.94, 570.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 570.181, "end": 575.221, "text": "doubt. And we understood that there were deep psychological reasons why each one of us viewed", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["doubt. And we understood that there were deep psychological reasons why each one of us viewed", 570.18, 575.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 575.221, "end": 579.541, "text": "our financial situation in the way that we did. And it wasn't until we had this framework that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["our financial situation in the way that we did. And it wasn't until we had this framework that", 575.22, 579.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 579.541, "end": 584.981, "text": "we were able to truly sit back and understand that each one of us viewed our financial situation the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we were able to truly sit back and understand that each one of us viewed our financial situation the", 579.54, 584.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 584.981, "end": 589.739, "text": "in the way that we did, and that it wasn't necessarily about what the other person was doing.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["in the way that we did, and that it wasn't necessarily", 584.98, 587.86, 1.0], ["about what the other person was doing.", 587.86, 589.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 590.54, "end": 591.741, "text": "But this is how we felt.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But this is how we felt.", 590.54, 591.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 591.741, "end": 594.555, "text": "This was our experience about our finances in the relationship.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["This was our experience about our finances", 591.74, 593.86, 1.0], ["in the relationship.", 593.86, 594.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 595.201, "end": 599.182, "text": "We accepted each other's perspectives, even when they differ greatly from our own,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We accepted each other's perspectives,", 595.2, 596.96, 1.0], ["even when they differ greatly from our own,", 597.3, 599.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 599.781, "end": 602.216, "text": "and we decided to choose empathy over dismissal.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and we decided to choose empathy over dismissal.", 599.78, 602.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 602.901, "end": 605.941, "text": "So by seeking to understand before jumping to making comments,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So by seeking to understand", 602.9, 604.38, 1.0], ["before jumping to making comments,", 604.38, 605.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 605.941, "end": 610.057, "text": "we started to really listen to each other, and that sparked a real shift in our dynamics.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we started to really listen to each other,", 605.94, 607.48, 1.0], ["and that sparked a real shift in our dynamics.", 608.06, 610.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 610.621, "end": 614.221, "text": "We stayed present through the conversation. We focused on each other rather than retreating", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We stayed present through the conversation.", 610.62, 612.18, 1.0], ["We focused on each other rather than retreating", 612.18, 614.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 614.221, "end": 615.656, "text": "into our own defensive bunkers.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["into our own defensive bunkers.", 614.22, 615.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 616.341, "end": 620.733, "text": "And this simple act of being engaged while we were listening was a revelation.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And this simple act of being engaged", 616.34, 618.5, 1.0], ["while we were listening was a revelation.", 618.5, 620.73, 1.0]]}, {"start": 621.061, "end": 624.892, "text": "We know that you've been saying this for a long time, but when it finally clicks,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We know that you've been saying this for a long time,", 621.06, 623.43, 1.0], ["but when it finally clicks,", 623.52, 624.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 625.061, "end": 633.31, "text": "it's like the stars are in the sky, the clouds part, and as you often say, here comes the unicorn and a rainbow,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it's like the stars are in the sky, the clouds part,", 625.06, 628.74, 1.0], ["and as you often say, here comes the unicorn and a rainbow,", 628.86, 633.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 633.621, "end": 635.965, "text": "and we were honestly looking for a pot of gold.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and we were honestly looking for a pot of gold.", 633.62, 635.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 636.641, "end": 640.7, "text": "This allowed us both to feel truly heard for the first time in a very long while.", "confidence": 0.94, "timestamps": [["This allowed us both to feel truly heard", 636.64, 638.62, 1.0], ["for the first time in a very long while.", 638.62, 640.7, 0.886881411075592]]}, {"start": 641.448, "end": 644.085, "text": "So applying the framework has been a turning point in our marriage.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So applying the framework has been a turning point in our marriage.", 641.45, 644.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 644.598, "end": 648.991, "text": "Now, it hasn't solved everything, and we probably need to go back through the course a time or two,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Now, it hasn't solved everything, and we probably need to go back through the course a time or two,", 644.6, 648.99, 1.0]]}, {"start": 649.577, "end": 654.105, "text": "but our once tumultuous relationship began to bloom with deeper connections, mutual respect,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["but our once tumultuous relationship began to bloom with deeper connections, mutual respect,", 649.58, 654.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 654.654, "end": 656.58, "text": "and an understanding that we didn't think was possible.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and an understanding that we didn't think was possible.", 654.65, 656.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 657.183, "end": 661.778, "text": "We began to see that happiness is not an elusive future state, but it's a present", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We began to see that happiness is not an elusive future state, but it's a present", 657.18, 661.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 661.778, "end": 666.578, "text": "reality to be cultivated through understanding, acceptance, and effective communication.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["reality to be cultivated through understanding, acceptance, and effective communication.", 661.78, 666.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 667.392, "end": 671.299, "text": "As our communication and relationship improve, we have kind of noticed something disturbing.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["As our communication and relationship improve, we have kind of noticed something disturbing.", 667.39, 671.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 672.218, "end": 677.898, "text": "Many couples around us seem oblivious to these principles. It's like knowing the ending to a movie, but being unable to change the course of the", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Many couples around us seem oblivious to these principles.", 672.22, 674.5, 1.0], ["It's like knowing the ending to a movie, but being unable to change the course of the", 674.5, 677.9, 1.0]]}, {"start": 677.898, "end": 678.231, "text": "plot.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["plot.", 677.9, 678.23, 1.0]]}, {"start": 678.898, "end": 684.418, "text": "And it really is heartbreaking. So, we're curious, Tony, as the architect of the principles, how do you feel when you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And it really is heartbreaking.", 678.9, 679.9, 1.0], ["So, we're curious, Tony, as the architect of the principles, how do you feel when you", 680.39, 684.42, 1.0]]}, {"start": 684.418, "end": 687.575, "text": "see so many struggling with communication, misunderstanding, and conflict?", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["see so many struggling with communication, misunderstanding, and conflict?", 684.42, 687.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 688.218, "end": 692.481, "text": "Does it frustrate you knowing that so many could benefit from this four-pillar or base approach?", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Does it frustrate you knowing that so many could benefit from this four-pillar or base", 688.22, 692.02, 1.0], ["approach?", 692.11, 692.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 693.076, "end": 697.058, "text": "Once again, thank you for your work. You've been a beacon of light guiding us through the darkest of times. Your principles have not", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Once again, thank you for your work.", 693.08, 694.02, 1.0], ["You've been a beacon of light guiding us through the darkest of times. Your principles have not", 694.02, 697.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 697.058, "end": 701.538, "text": "just saved our marriage, they've given us a tool set to navigate any storm you see that we might", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["just saved our marriage, they've given us a tool set to navigate any storm you see that we might", 697.06, 701.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 701.538, "end": 707.698, "text": "encounter in our journey together. Warmest regards, Eliza and Kent.\" So yes, this probably", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["encounter in our journey together. Warmest regards, Eliza and Kent.\" So yes, this probably", 701.54, 707.7, 1.0]]}, {"start": 707.698, "end": 713.538, "text": "sounds like an advertisement, but I realized that I have some go-to four-pillar podcast episodes", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["sounds like an advertisement, but I realized that I have some go-to four-pillar podcast episodes", 707.7, 713.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 713.538, "end": 718.098, "text": "that I will share with couples when I work with them. Or I go back and look at the data or the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that I will share with couples when I work with them. Or I go back and look at the data or the", 713.54, 718.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 718.098, "end": 723.298, "text": "statistics of certain podcast episodes, and ones that are about the four pillars often have", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["statistics of certain podcast episodes, and ones that are about the four pillars often have", 718.1, 723.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 723.298, "end": 726.898, "text": "thousands, if not tens of thousands of more downloads than others, because I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["thousands, if not tens of thousands of more downloads than others, because I", 723.3, 726.9, 1.0]]}, {"start": 726.898, "end": 731.258, "text": "think that people do share these episodes and they just want some sort of framework to operate from.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["think that people do share these episodes and they just want some sort of", 726.9, 730.1, 1.0], ["framework to operate from.", 730.1, 731.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 732.118, "end": 738.618, "text": "And again, yes, I am selling a course and I would love for everyone in the world to take the course, but even if you just take the workshop, it's going to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And again, yes, I am selling a course and I would love for everyone in the", 732.12, 735.7, 1.0], ["world to take the course, but even if you just take the workshop, it's going to", 735.7, 738.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 738.618, "end": 742.738, "text": "give you an idea of what these principles are, but the course is going to go into a whole lot more.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["give you an idea of what these principles are, but the course is going to go into a", 738.62, 741.9, 1.0], ["whole lot more.", 741.9, 742.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 742.738, "end": 746.258, "text": "It goes into a lot more, not just around the four pillars, but, but a lot of more.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It goes into a lot more, not just around the four pillars, but, but a lot of more.", 742.74, 746.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 746.258, "end": 750.498, "text": "And I'm not here to sell the course. I really do want to talk about the pillars, but you can find links and the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I'm not here to sell the course.", 746.26, 747.38, 1.0], ["I really do want to talk about the pillars, but you can find links and the", 747.38, 750.5, 1.0]]}, {"start": 750.498, "end": 752.572, "text": "show notes and that sort of thing about the course.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["show notes and that sort of thing about the course.", 750.5, 752.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 753.724, "end": 761.578, "text": "But where I want to go next is just talking a little bit more in detail about the shift to this BASE acronym from just the four pillars of a connected conversation.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But where I want to go next is just talking a little bit more in detail about the shift to this BASE acronym from just the four pillars of a connected conversation.", 753.72, 761.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 761.578, "end": 764.578, "text": "And let me talk about something first that I think is really fascinating.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And let me talk about something first that I think is really fascinating.", 761.58, 764.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 764.578, "end": 770.578, "text": "And I want to give credit to the person who helped me create the Magnetic Marriage Course, which is my friend Preston Pugmire.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I want to give credit to the person who helped me create the Magnetic Marriage Course, which is my friend Preston Pugmire.", 764.58, 770.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 770.578, "end": 775.878, "text": "And he's been on the podcast several times. He has his own podcast, his coaching business. business.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And he's been on the podcast several times. He has his own podcast, his coaching business.", 770.58, 775.58, 1.0], ["business.", 775.58, 775.88, 0.9938452839851379]]}, {"start": 777.175, "end": 781.498, "text": "But Preston and I, we took a long time in trying to create the original Magnetic Marriage", "confidence": 0.99, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But Preston and I, we took a long time in trying to create the original Magnetic Marriage", 777.17, 781.5, 0.9938452839851379]]}, {"start": 781.498, "end": 784.548, "text": "course that was a lot of fun and it was very successful.", "confidence": 0.97, "timestamps": [["course that was a lot of fun and it was very successful.", 781.5, 784.55, 0.9700854420661926]]}, {"start": 785.727, "end": 790.457, "text": "We would have this, I realized that I didn't know what I didn't know. And he and I would have so", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We would have this, I realized that I didn't know what I didn't know. And he and I would have so", 785.73, 790.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 790.457, "end": 797.257, "text": "many conversations where he would talk about the wanting, people want to have hope. They want to,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["many conversations where he would talk about the wanting, people want to have hope. They want to,", 790.46, 797.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 797.257, "end": 802.537, "text": "they want to buy hope. And I understand that. So, I just wanted to be as authentic as I can", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they want to buy hope. And I understand that. So, I just wanted to be as authentic as I can", 797.26, 802.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 802.537, "end": 806.537, "text": "and share an example that I thought was really fascinating. I think that he would get pretty", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and share an example that I thought was really fascinating. I think that he would get pretty", 802.54, 806.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 806.537, "end": 812.779, "text": "frustrated with me because he would talk about, I would want to sell the, or talk a lot about the.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["frustrated with me because he would talk about, I would want to sell the, or talk a lot about the.", 806.54, 812.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 813.328, "end": 817.017, "text": "Bits and pieces of the course like this, like the four pillars. And I wanted to go into all", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Bits and pieces of the course like this, like the four pillars. And I wanted to go into all", 813.33, 817.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 817.017, "end": 822.217, "text": "of this detail. But then people would hear four pillars and they would hear me sound excited", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of this detail. But then people would hear four pillars and they would hear me sound excited", 817.02, 822.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 822.217, "end": 826.697, "text": "about it. They would hear an example like the Kent and Eliza thing that I just explained.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["about it. They would hear an example like the Kent and Eliza thing that I just explained.", 822.22, 826.7, 1.0]]}, {"start": 826.858, "end": 832.692, "text": "And then that's what somebody needs to buy a course or to buy a book or anything like that.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And then that's what somebody needs to buy a course or to buy a book or anything like that.", 826.86, 832.69, 1.0]]}, {"start": 832.872, "end": 837.346, "text": "Because it's almost like they just have this dopamine bump of taking action and doing something.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because it's almost like they just have this dopamine bump of taking action and doing something.", 832.87, 837.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 837.607, "end": 841.177, "text": "And I would go into detail and say, but I want to get into the nuts and bolts and all the little", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I would go into detail and say, but I want to get into the nuts and bolts and all the little", 837.61, 841.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 841.177, "end": 844.777, "text": "bits and pieces about the four pillars and why they're so amazing and how they work and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["bits and pieces about the four pillars and why they're so amazing and how they work and", 841.18, 844.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 844.989, "end": 849.657, "text": "in all these situations and how it's a matter of flow and what we bring into these conversations", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["in all these situations and how it's a matter of flow and what we bring into these conversations", 844.99, 849.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 849.657, "end": 853.657, "text": "and how we are battling our own abandonment and attachment wounds from our childhood", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and how we are battling our own abandonment and attachment wounds from our childhood", 849.66, 853.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 853.811, "end": 858.137, "text": "and all of these things. And I love the fact that he would say, okay, you're going to lose", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and all of these things. And I love the fact that he would say, okay, you're going to lose", 853.81, 858.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 858.137, "end": 862.537, "text": "people on that though. And so here's what I thought was really fascinating. It's the concept", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["people on that though. And so here's what I thought was really fascinating. It's the concept", 858.14, 862.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 862.537, "end": 867.977, "text": "of selling the destination. And I was made aware of, let's take an airplane commercial,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of selling the destination. And I was made aware of, let's take an airplane commercial,", 862.54, 867.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 868.134, "end": 871.897, "text": "maybe a Delta or United or anyone. So, I'm just throwing this out there. I don't know", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["maybe a Delta or United or anyone. So, I'm just throwing this out there. I don't know", 868.13, 871.9, 1.0]]}, {"start": 871.897, "end": 876.452, "text": "that one of these absolutely does this as an example. But you'll see a commercial and the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that one of these absolutely does this as an example. But you'll see a commercial and the", 871.9, 876.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 876.697, "end": 882.377, "text": "commercial will be for Hawaii. And it will show palm trees and a family there and they're at a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["commercial will be for Hawaii. And it will show palm trees and a family there and they're at a", 876.7, 882.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 882.377, "end": 886.937, "text": "luau and they're walking on the beach and there's a beautiful sunset and they're having an amazing", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["luau and they're walking on the beach and there's a beautiful sunset and they're having an amazing", 882.38, 886.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 886.937, "end": 891.337, "text": "time. And then it will come up and give the name of the airline, Delta United. And so, they're", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["time. And then it will come up and give the name of the airline, Delta United. And so, they're", 886.94, 891.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 891.337, "end": 896.932, "text": "selling the destination. They're selling the, you can be connected with your family, but they're an", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["selling the destination. They're selling the, you can be connected with your family, but they're an", 891.34, 896.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 897.177, "end": 899.038, "text": "airline, so they actually...", "confidence": 0.67, "timestamps": [["airline, so they actually...", 897.18, 899.04, 0.670131504535675]]}, {"start": 899.723, "end": 904.613, "text": "That you buy tickets and you travel on their airplane. And what I thought was really interesting", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["That you buy tickets and you travel on their airplane. And what I thought was really interesting", 899.72, 904.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 904.613, "end": 910.921, "text": "is I realized that I, in essence, am saying, but I really feel like I build the best airplane.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["is I realized that I, in essence, am saying, but I really feel like I build the best airplane.", 904.61, 910.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 911.146, "end": 915.253, "text": "These four pillars of a connected conversation and this base acronym and talking about our", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["These four pillars of a connected conversation and this base acronym and talking about our", 911.15, 915.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 915.253, "end": 919.973, "text": "childhood abandonment and attachment wounds and now adding this pre-pillar of observing", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["childhood abandonment and attachment wounds and now adding this pre-pillar of observing", 915.25, 919.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 919.973, "end": 925.493, "text": "and making judgments is I'm basically saying, hey, step on board the airplane and I am not", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and making judgments is I'm basically saying, hey, step on board the airplane and I am not", 919.97, 925.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 925.493, "end": 928.773, "text": "only going to get you there, I'm going to get you there faster than you could get on any other", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["only going to get you there, I'm going to get you there faster than you could get on any other", 925.49, 928.77, 1.0]]}, {"start": 928.773, "end": 933.493, "text": "airplane. You are going to be very safe. I'm showing you the nuts and the bolts and literally", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["airplane. You are going to be very safe. I'm showing you the nuts and the bolts and literally", 928.77, 933.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 933.493, "end": 938.396, "text": "the rivets of the airline or the airplane. And I'm showing you the fabric of the seats.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the rivets of the airline or the airplane. And I'm showing you the fabric of the seats.", 933.49, 938.4, 1.0]]}, {"start": 938.573, "end": 942.78, "text": "And I'm saying, isn't this amazing? And there are a lot of people that are saying, we're", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I'm saying, isn't this amazing? And there are a lot of people that are saying, we're", 938.57, 942.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 943.005, "end": 946.75, "text": "going to Hawaii though, right? And then I'm saying, yeah, but look at this plane. And,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["going to Hawaii though, right? And then I'm saying, yeah, but look at this plane. And,", 943.01, 946.75, 1.0]]}, {"start": 947.453, "end": 950.613, "text": "I realized that even as I started to look at some of the courses that I had purchased", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I realized that even as I started to look at some of the courses that I had purchased", 947.45, 950.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 950.613, "end": 955.893, "text": "before, if I'm purchasing a course by another therapist, honestly, I'm buying a course that's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["before, if I'm purchasing a course by another therapist, honestly, I'm buying a course that's", 950.61, 955.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 955.893, "end": 959.561, "text": "It's telling me about the nuts and bolts of how to use acceptance and commitment therapy", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It's telling me about the nuts and bolts of how to use acceptance and commitment therapy", 955.89, 959.56, 1.0]]}, {"start": 959.975, "end": 964.467, "text": "or the nuts and bolts of how to implement internal family systems in a couple's dynamic,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or the nuts and bolts of how to implement internal family systems in a couple's dynamic,", 959.97, 964.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 964.926, "end": 970.793, "text": "or the nuts and bolts about how to communicate differences or if there's been infidelity", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or the nuts and bolts about how to communicate differences or if there's been infidelity", 964.93, 970.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 970.793, "end": 972.506, "text": "or betrayal in a relationship.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or betrayal in a relationship.", 970.79, 972.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 973.293, "end": 977.493, "text": "And so as the therapist in me, I want those nuts and bolts because even though I do want", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And so as the therapist in me, I want those nuts and bolts because even though I do want", 973.29, 977.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 977.493, "end": 982.213, "text": "to sell courses and write books and give lectures and put on webinars, at the end of the day,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to sell courses and write books and give lectures and put on webinars, at the end of the day,", 977.49, 982.21, 1.0]]}, {"start": 982.213, "end": 986.093, "text": "I'm seeing a full list, a full load of clients on a day-to-day basis.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I'm seeing a full list, a full load of clients on a day-to-day basis.", 982.21, 986.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 986.093, "end": 989.007, "text": "And I want to, I'm almost like workshopping these tools.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I want to, I'm almost like workshopping these tools.", 986.09, 989.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 989.484, "end": 993.673, "text": "And so, yeah, I want people to have that destination, but I also have to make sure", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so, yeah, I want people to have that destination, but I also have to make sure", 989.48, 993.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 993.673, "end": 997.293, "text": "that I know what I'm talking about, that I know how to fly the plane or that I know", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that I know what I'm talking about, that I know how to fly the plane or that I know", 993.67, 997.29, 1.0]]}, {"start": 997.293, "end": 1001.093, "text": "that the plane is going to get us there in a safe way and that it is a, I don't know,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that the plane is going to get us there in a safe way and that it is a, I don't know,", 997.29, 1001.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1001.322, "end": 1003.807, "text": "An evidence-based plane, for lack of a better phrase.", "confidence": 0.91, "timestamps": [["An evidence-based plane, for lack of a better phrase.", 1001.32, 1003.81, 0.9114762544631958]]}, {"start": 1004.608, "end": 1009.978, "text": "So when I go back to this concept of the marriage course, then that's where I just want to just say", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So when I go back to this concept of the marriage course, then that's where I just want to just say", 1004.61, 1009.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1009.978, "end": 1015.393, "text": "over and over again that these four pillars of a connected conversation are this base acronym,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["over and over again that these four pillars of a connected conversation are this base acronym,", 1009.98, 1015.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1015.861, "end": 1022.218, "text": "that these have now been tried and tested with over 1,500 couples over 15, 16, 17 years as a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that these have now been tried and tested with over 1,500 couples over 15, 16, 17 years as a", 1015.86, 1022.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1022.218, "end": 1028.778, "text": "couples therapist. And so I really do welcome your feedback. I welcome your scenarios, questions. If", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["couples therapist. And so I really do welcome your feedback. I welcome your scenarios, questions. If", 1022.22, 1028.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1028.778, "end": 1033.098, "text": "If you are listening to this episode today, I really do want you to say, okay, here's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["If you are listening to this episode today, I really do want you to say, okay, here's", 1028.78, 1033.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1033.098, "end": 1038.52, "text": "our scenario and I will do some future episodes where I'm going to lay things out through this framework.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["our scenario and I will do some future episodes where I'm going to lay things out through", 1033.1, 1037.62, 1.0], ["this framework.", 1037.62, 1038.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1039.498, "end": 1044.238, "text": "Because yes, if you can't afford to take a course, but you're gathering some information", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because yes, if you can't afford to take a course, but you're gathering some information", 1039.5, 1044.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1044.238, "end": 1048.538, "text": "from a podcast, my podcast, other podcasts, and that is starting to help, then this is", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["from a podcast, my podcast, other podcasts, and that is starting to help, then this is", 1044.24, 1048.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1048.538, "end": 1052.392, "text": "your life is your big old individual customized treatment plan.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["your life is your big old individual customized treatment plan.", 1048.54, 1052.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1052.898, "end": 1056.818, "text": "And I know that everybody is in different places. Their spouses are maybe on board or not.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I know that everybody is in different places.", 1052.9, 1054.86, 1.0], ["Their spouses are maybe on board or not.", 1054.86, 1056.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1056.818, "end": 1061.926, "text": "Maybe they're doing this individually. Whatever you can do to improve your relationship is going to be a good thing.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Maybe they're doing this individually.", 1056.82, 1058.62, 1.0], ["Whatever you can do to improve your relationship is going to be a good thing.", 1058.62, 1061.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1062.925, "end": 1065.958, "text": "Or whatever you can do to improve yourself to show up different in your relationship", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Or whatever you can do to improve yourself to show up different in your relationship", 1062.92, 1065.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1065.958, "end": 1067.822, "text": "is absolutely going to be a good thing.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["is absolutely going to be a good thing.", 1065.96, 1067.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1068.738, "end": 1070.918, "text": "And one more note on this when we're buying the destination.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And one more note on this when we're buying the destination.", 1068.74, 1070.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1070.918, "end": 1074.638, "text": "I think that this is if you've ever, and maybe I don't think it's just me, but if you've", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I think that this is if you've ever, and maybe I don't think it's just me, but if you've", 1070.92, 1074.64, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1074.638, "end": 1078.578, "text": "ever purchased a course and then not even started the course, which I'm raising my hand,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["ever purchased a course and then not even started the course, which I'm raising my hand,", 1074.64, 1078.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1078.578, "end": 1081.478, "text": "I have, then it turns out that's more normal than we think.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I have, then it turns out that's more normal than we think.", 1078.58, 1081.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1081.878, "end": 1086.998, "text": "And so we often buy the course because a good sales page, a good landing page, it really", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so we often buy the course because a good sales page, a good landing page, it really", 1081.88, 1087.0, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1086.998, "end": 1090.814, "text": "does sell this destination. Have you ever felt this way? Do you want more of this in your life?", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["does sell this destination.", 1087.0, 1088.46, 1.0], ["Have you ever felt this way?", 1088.46, 1089.54, 1.0], ["Do you want more of this in your life?", 1089.54, 1090.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1091.378, "end": 1097.258, "text": "Here's my origin story. Here's why I'm qualified to sell you this thing, this course, this book, this method,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Here's my origin story.", 1091.38, 1092.66, 1.0], ["Here's why I'm qualified to sell you this thing, this course, this book, this method,", 1092.66, 1097.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1097.258, "end": 1099.213, "text": "this model, whatever that looks like.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["this model, whatever that looks like.", 1097.26, 1099.21, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1099.538, "end": 1100.059, "text": "Here's what it is.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Here's what it is.", 1099.54, 1100.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1100.538, "end": 1103.658, "text": "And so we want that. We want that destination. And it gives us this dopamine bump.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so we want that.", 1100.54, 1101.54, 1.0], ["We want that destination.", 1101.54, 1102.54, 1.0], ["And it gives us this dopamine bump.", 1102.54, 1103.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1103.658, "end": 1108.218, "text": "So we buy the course or we buy the book and we read a chapter or two or we do one or two", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So we buy the course or we buy the book and we read a chapter or two or we do one or two", 1103.66, 1108.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1108.218, "end": 1109.367, "text": "modules in the course.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["modules in the course.", 1108.22, 1109.37, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1110.478, "end": 1116.587, "text": "And then we default back to our default way of doing things, our deeply rutted neuropathways.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And then we default back to our default way of doing things, our deeply rutted neuropathways.", 1110.48, 1116.59, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1116.858, "end": 1118.964, "text": "And so then we often feel like, okay, that didn't work.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so then we often feel like, okay, that didn't work.", 1116.86, 1118.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1119.118, "end": 1122.988, "text": "And so now I need to find the next book or the next course to give me that dopamine bump.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so now I need to find the next book or the next course to give me that dopamine bump.", 1119.12, 1122.99, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1123.598, "end": 1129.018, "text": "When in reality, if we stick with a course or finish a book, then we're going to be gathering", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["When in reality, if we stick with a course or finish a book, then we're going to be gathering", 1123.6, 1129.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1129.018, "end": 1134.438, "text": "more data and putting it into what it feels like to be us or implicit memory, which again,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["more data and putting it into what it feels like to be us or implicit memory, which again,", 1129.02, 1134.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1134.438, "end": 1139.798, "text": "our implicit memory is basically, it's our lived experiences, our whole residue of lived", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["our implicit memory is basically, it's our lived experiences, our whole residue of lived", 1134.44, 1139.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1139.798, "end": 1142.82, "text": "experiences, which make it feel like what it feels like to be us.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["experiences, which make it feel like what it feels like to be us.", 1139.8, 1142.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1143.318, "end": 1148.998, "text": "Let me just give you a very quick reminder or a review of why we show up the way that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Let me just give you a very quick reminder or a review of why we show up the way that", 1143.32, 1149.0, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1148.998, "end": 1150.718, "text": "we do in our relationships.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we do in our relationships.", 1149.0, 1150.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1150.718, "end": 1155.038, "text": "Then we're going to jump into the pre-pillar about being grounded and then we'll go into", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Then we're going to jump into the pre-pillar about being grounded and then we'll go into", 1150.72, 1155.04, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1155.038, "end": 1160.032, "text": "the four pillars of a connected conversation using the BASE acronym.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the four pillars of a connected conversation using the BASE acronym.", 1155.04, 1160.03, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1160.398, "end": 1165.638, "text": "So this is where I like to start literally from the womb, that we exit the womb and we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So this is where I like to start literally from the womb, that we exit the womb and we", 1160.4, 1165.64, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1165.638, "end": 1171.456, "text": "do not even know that we are an entity or we exist until we are now interacting with another entity.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["do not even know that we are an entity or we exist until we are now interacting with", 1165.64, 1170.47, 1.0], ["another entity.", 1170.56, 1171.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1172.078, "end": 1177.258, "text": "Slap on the bottom from the doctor or we're being brought up to our mom and we're put", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Slap on the bottom from the doctor or we're being brought up to our mom and we're put", 1172.08, 1177.26, 0.9956958293914795]]}, {"start": 1177.258, "end": 1179.909, "text": "on her chest to start feeding or whatever that looks like.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["on her chest to start feeding or whatever that looks like.", 1177.26, 1179.91, 0.9956958293914795]]}, {"start": 1180.498, "end": 1183.528, "text": "But at this point now, we are looking for attachment.", "confidence": 0.96, "timestamps": [["But at this point now, we are looking for attachment.", 1180.5, 1183.53, 0.9606907367706299]]}, {"start": 1184.095, "end": 1189.623, "text": "And in those first couple of years, what we do is we express ourselves and we get our needs met.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And in those first couple of years, what we do is we express ourselves and we get our", 1184.1, 1189.03, 1.0], ["needs met.", 1189.03, 1189.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1190.265, "end": 1197.302, "text": "So a baby cries and we go and we change its diaper or we give it food or we pat its head", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So a baby cries and we go and we change its diaper or we give it food or we pat its head", 1190.27, 1197.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1197.68, "end": 1202.705, "text": "and we play with it. And thank goodness babies kind of smell good from the factory, which makes it a whole lot", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and we play with it.", 1197.68, 1198.83, 1.0], ["And thank goodness babies kind of smell good from the factory, which makes it a whole lot", 1198.83, 1202.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1202.705, "end": 1204.161, "text": "easier even when they spit up.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["easier even when they spit up.", 1202.71, 1204.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1204.505, "end": 1208.5, "text": "We're still thinking it's so adorable and you put the little bib around them and they're just so darn cute.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We're still thinking it's so adorable and you put the little bib around them and they're", 1204.51, 1207.51, 1.0], ["just so darn cute.", 1207.51, 1208.5, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1209.105, "end": 1213.825, "text": "So we're programmed and I think this is very important that we're programmed that we feel", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So we're programmed and I think this is very important that we're programmed that we feel", 1209.11, 1213.83, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1213.825, "end": 1218.405, "text": "like when we express ourselves and we say that I would like something that then people", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["like when we express ourselves and we say that I would like something that then people", 1213.83, 1218.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1218.405, "end": 1219.798, "text": "jump and they meet our needs.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["jump and they meet our needs.", 1218.41, 1219.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1220.833, "end": 1225.11, "text": "Because we're not like a baby hippopotamus that can go within an hour or so and start", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Because we're not like a baby hippopotamus that can go within an hour or so and start", 1220.83, 1225.11, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1225.425, "end": 1231.425, "text": "hunting and killing our own food. We require a lot of help for a very, very long period of time.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["hunting and killing our own food.", 1225.42, 1227.05, 1.0], ["We require a lot of help for a very, very long period of time.", 1227.05, 1231.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1231.425, "end": 1234.886, "text": "Some people we might argue for the rest of their entire lives.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Some people we might argue for the rest of their entire lives.", 1231.43, 1234.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1235.045, "end": 1237.794, "text": "So that's just the way that we show up into the world.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So that's just the way that we show up into the world.", 1235.05, 1237.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1238.55, "end": 1241.925, "text": "Now when we get a little bit older, let's say we're starting to be three or four or", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Now when we get a little bit older, let's say we're starting to be three or four or", 1238.55, 1241.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1241.925, "end": 1247.3, "text": "five years old and now we express ourselves. We say that I would like and I go with the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["five years old and now we express ourselves. We say that I would like and I go with the", 1241.93, 1247.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1247.445, "end": 1251.445, "text": "traditional I would like candy before dinner. I would like to stay up past my bedtime.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["traditional I would like candy before dinner. I would like to stay up past my bedtime.", 1247.45, 1251.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1251.585, "end": 1256.965, "text": "I would like a brand new bike for Christmas, whatever I want. I'm asking for it and I'm used", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I would like a brand new bike for Christmas, whatever I want. I'm asking for it and I'm used", 1251.59, 1256.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1256.965, "end": 1262.005, "text": "to in my little brain that when I ask for something, I get it. So when that doesn't happen,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to in my little brain that when I ask for something, I get it. So when that doesn't happen,", 1256.97, 1262.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1262.127, "end": 1266.412, "text": "I got to find a way to get my needs met. So as a little kid, what does that look like?", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I got to find a way to get my needs met. So as a little kid, what does that look like?", 1262.13, 1266.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1266.664, "end": 1273.205, "text": "Do we scream? Do we cry? Do we throw a tantrum? And this is where as a parent, I feel like any", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Do we scream? Do we cry? Do we throw a tantrum? And this is where as a parent, I feel like any", 1266.66, 1273.21, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1273.205, "end": 1278.245, "text": "parent's been through this over and over again, where we are trying to lay some boundaries down.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["parent's been through this over and over again, where we are trying to lay some boundaries down.", 1273.21, 1278.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1278.245, "end": 1283.606, "text": "We're saying that, okay, if you act that way, then I'm not going to get you the toy that you want.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We're saying that, okay, if you act that way, then I'm not going to get you the toy that you want.", 1278.25, 1283.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1284.047, "end": 1288.314, "text": "But then the kid just doubles or triples down on acting that way. And eventually we say, okay,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But then the kid just doubles or triples down on acting that way. And eventually we say, okay,", 1284.05, 1288.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1288.458, "end": 1291.987, "text": "Okay, I will get it for you this time, but this is the last time. Do you understand?", "confidence": 0.93, "timestamps": [["Okay, I will get it for you this time, but this is the last time. Do you understand?", 1288.46, 1291.99, 0.9328293204307556]]}, {"start": 1292.681, "end": 1296.851, "text": "To the little kid, they just got out of that discomfort and they got a new toy. So sure,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["To the little kid, they just got out of that discomfort and they got a new toy. So sure,", 1292.68, 1296.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1296.851, "end": 1302.051, "text": "you bet. I understand. Until next time, because now I've learned that I can wear you out, old man.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["you bet. I understand. Until next time, because now I've learned that I can wear you out, old man.", 1296.85, 1302.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1302.223, "end": 1307.571, "text": "If I just stay on it, then I'm going to eventually get what I want. So from that attachment place,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["If I just stay on it, then I'm going to eventually get what I want. So from that attachment place,", 1302.22, 1307.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1307.759, "end": 1311.651, "text": "then we start to learn, we got to figure out a way to get our needs met. Because when we came", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["then we start to learn, we got to figure out a way to get our needs met. Because when we came", 1307.76, 1311.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1311.651, "end": 1317.251, "text": "out of the womb, it was pretty easy. But now we need people to recognize us. We need people to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["out of the womb, it was pretty easy. But now we need people to recognize us. We need people to", 1311.65, 1317.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1317.251, "end": 1322.271, "text": "interact with us, we need to be, we need to know that we exist by interacting with other people.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["interact with us, we need to be, we need to know that we exist by interacting with other", 1317.25, 1321.85, 1.0], ["people.", 1321.85, 1322.27, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1323.051, "end": 1328.411, "text": "So whether we show up and we are the star student or the athlete, or whether we start", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So whether we show up and we are the star student or the athlete, or whether we start", 1323.05, 1328.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1328.411, "end": 1333.091, "text": "to retreat and whether we start to grow sad and depressed and we develop, we become more", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to retreat and whether we start to grow sad and depressed and we develop, we become more", 1328.41, 1333.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1333.091, "end": 1336.851, "text": "anxious because then people are continually checking on us, hey, how you feeling champ?", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["anxious because then people are continually checking on us, hey, how you feeling champ?", 1333.09, 1336.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1336.851, "end": 1338.808, "text": "How you doing? Anything I can do for you?", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["How you doing?", 1336.85, 1337.85, 1.0], ["Anything I can do for you?", 1337.85, 1338.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1339.011, "end": 1342.13, "text": "Because now we know that I matter, I exist, I'm alive.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because now we know that I matter, I exist, I'm alive.", 1339.01, 1342.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1342.791, "end": 1347.271, "text": "So we all start navigating life and trying to figure out ways to be seen, ways to be", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So we all start navigating life and trying to figure out ways to be seen, ways to be", 1342.79, 1347.27, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1347.271, "end": 1351.456, "text": "heard, ways to be understood, and ways to know that we matter, that we exist.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["heard, ways to be understood, and ways to know that we matter, that we exist.", 1347.27, 1351.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1352.942, "end": 1358.469, "text": "So that's that attachment piece. Now the abandonment piece becomes pretty interesting as well, because now we take that same concept", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So that's that attachment piece.", 1352.94, 1354.23, 1.0], ["Now the abandonment piece becomes pretty interesting as well, because now we take that same concept", 1354.23, 1358.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1358.793, "end": 1363.791, "text": "and if people are not meeting our needs, then from our little vantage points as little kids,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and if people are not meeting our needs, then from our little vantage points as little kids,", 1358.79, 1363.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1363.791, "end": 1368.351, "text": "and this is where I like to make the lighthearted joke that every little kid by definition appears", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and this is where I like to make the lighthearted joke that every little kid by definition appears", 1363.79, 1368.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1368.351, "end": 1373.951, "text": "to be a little narcissist and definitely emotionally immature because then that little narcissist", "confidence": 0.92, "timestamps": [["to be a little narcissist and definitely emotionally immature because then that little narcissist", 1368.35, 1373.95, 0.9234695434570312]]}, {"start": 1373.951, "end": 1377.971, "text": "only has a thought of themselves because they're little kids.", "confidence": 0.92, "timestamps": [["only has a thought of themselves because they're little kids.", 1373.95, 1377.97, 0.9234695434570312]]}, {"start": 1377.971, "end": 1380.084, "text": "They don't understand the world of...", "confidence": 0.81, "timestamps": [["They don't understand the world of...", 1377.97, 1380.08, 0.8061491847038269]]}, {"start": 1380.831, "end": 1389.241, "text": "Mortgages and budgets and job losses and sickness and having to move and crummy neighbors and cars breaking down and they understand none of that,", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["Mortgages and budgets and job losses and sickness and having to move and crummy neighbors and cars breaking down and they understand none of that,", 1380.83, 1389.24, 0.9824628829956055]]}, {"start": 1390.058, "end": 1396.901, "text": "So when they say I would like this brand new bike for Christmas and you can't afford that as a parent,", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["So when they say I would like this brand new bike for Christmas and you can't afford that as a parent,", 1390.06, 1396.9, 0.9824628829956055]]}, {"start": 1397.503, "end": 1402.841, "text": "Even if you tell the kid man Santa can't build those at the workshop this year or he's all out of parts.", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["Even if you tell the kid man Santa can't build those at the workshop this year or he's all out of parts.", 1397.5, 1402.84, 0.9824628829956055]]}, {"start": 1403.733, "end": 1409.961, "text": "But then as the little kid you see commercials about the bike or you see things on YouTube of some kid with 40 million followers", "confidence": 0.98, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But then as the little kid you see commercials about the bike or you see things on YouTube of some kid with 40 million followers", 1403.73, 1409.96, 0.9824628829956055]]}, {"start": 1409.961, "end": 1414.221, "text": "unboxing a new bike and going nuts on it, then you think, well, wait a minute, Santa", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["unboxing a new bike and going nuts on it, then you think, well, wait a minute, Santa", 1409.96, 1414.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1414.221, "end": 1418.532, "text": "gave them a bike, so Santa must not like me. It must be a me thing. Or my parent, I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["gave them a bike, so Santa must not like me. It must be a me thing. Or my parent, I", 1414.22, 1418.53, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1418.601, "end": 1422.241, "text": "asked for this thing, they didn't give it to me, so it must be me. And we have this", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["asked for this thing, they didn't give it to me, so it must be me. And we have this", 1418.6, 1422.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1422.241, "end": 1426.161, "text": "default. This is where that whole concept of shame comes in, is that as a kid, we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["default. This is where that whole concept of shame comes in, is that as a kid, we", 1422.24, 1426.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1426.161, "end": 1430.801, "text": "don't understand the plight of others or what other people are going through. So,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["don't understand the plight of others or what other people are going through. So,", 1426.16, 1430.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1431.288, "end": 1434.721, "text": "we've been used to subconsciously asking for our needs to be met and having them", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we've been used to subconsciously asking for our needs to be met and having them", 1431.29, 1434.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1434.721, "end": 1437.841, "text": "met from the time that we literally were born, and now those needs aren't being", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["met from the time that we literally were born, and now those needs aren't being", 1434.72, 1437.84, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1437.841, "end": 1443.072, "text": "met. So it must be me. I must be a bad person or else I would have that bike because the,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["met. So it must be me. I must be a bad person or else I would have that bike because the,", 1437.84, 1443.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1443.521, "end": 1447.97, "text": "kid on YouTube has the bike. The kid on TV has the bike. Maybe my neighbor has the bike,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["kid on YouTube has the bike. The kid on TV has the bike. Maybe my neighbor has the bike,", 1443.52, 1447.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1448.121, "end": 1451.961, "text": "but I don't have the bike. My parents must not care about me. And it's sad to think of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["but I don't have the bike. My parents must not care about me. And it's sad to think of", 1448.12, 1451.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1451.961, "end": 1456.601, "text": "it that way, but this is where we're all going through this experience, trying to figure", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it that way, but this is where we're all going through this experience, trying to figure", 1451.96, 1456.6, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1456.601, "end": 1460.561, "text": "things out. We're little kids. We've got our own brains and these abandonment and attachment", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["things out. We're little kids. We've got our own brains and these abandonment and attachment", 1456.6, 1460.56, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1460.561, "end": 1464.681, "text": "wounds are very real. And you can even be the world's greatest parent. And I hope that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["wounds are very real. And you can even be the world's greatest parent. And I hope that", 1460.56, 1464.68, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1464.681, "end": 1468.721, "text": "You could understand it because the reason I lay that out the way I do is because you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["You could understand it because the reason I lay that out the way I do is because you", 1464.68, 1468.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1468.721, "end": 1473.716, "text": "can try your very best and your kid can still come out and feel like, hey, you were never there for me.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["can try your very best and your kid can still come out and feel like, hey, you were never", 1468.72, 1473.02, 1.0], ["there for me.", 1473.02, 1473.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1474.021, "end": 1480.081, "text": "If you're thinking, I was always there. I mean, I was so much more there for you than my parents were, which again, isn't going", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["If you're thinking, I was always there.", 1474.02, 1476.04, 1.0], ["I mean, I was so much more there for you than my parents were, which again, isn't going", 1476.04, 1480.08, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1480.081, "end": 1481.917, "text": "to get the kid to go, Oh, that's a good point.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to get the kid to go, Oh, that's a good point.", 1480.08, 1481.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1482.007, "end": 1483.06, "text": "I didn't think of it that way.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I didn't think of it that way.", 1482.01, 1483.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1484.258, "end": 1488.041, "text": "But when we understand these abandonment, these attachment wounds now as adults, it", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But when we understand these abandonment, these attachment wounds now as adults, it", 1484.26, 1488.04, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1488.041, "end": 1493.791, "text": "can help a little bit, but we entered the teenage years, the dating years, the twenties, You name it.", "confidence": 0.99, "timestamps": [["can help a little bit, but we entered the teenage years, the dating years, the twenties,", 1488.04, 1493.0, 1.0], ["You name it.", 1493.0, 1493.79, 0.9832327365875244]]}, {"start": 1494.001, "end": 1500.221, "text": "And now we want to have a connection. We want a partner. We want somebody to go through life with.", "confidence": 0.98, "timestamps": [["And now we want to have a connection.", 1494.0, 1496.98, 0.9832327365875244], ["We want a partner.", 1496.98, 1498.34, 0.9832327365875244], ["We want somebody to go through life with.", 1498.34, 1500.22, 0.9832327365875244]]}, {"start": 1500.221, "end": 1503.1, "text": "It's programmed into our very evolutionary biology.", "confidence": 0.84, "timestamps": [["It's programmed into our very evolutionary biology.", 1500.22, 1503.1, 0.8433225750923157]]}, {"start": 1503.757, "end": 1508.654, "text": "And so when we are starting to date, when we are starting to take interest in another person,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And so when we are starting to date, when we are starting to take interest in another person,", 1503.76, 1508.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1509.077, "end": 1512.543, "text": "we're bringing all of these abandonment and attachment wounds along with us", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we're bringing all of these abandonment and attachment wounds along with us", 1509.08, 1512.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1512.75, "end": 1517.447, "text": "to interact with this person. So when they say that they really like sports,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to interact with this person. So when they say that they really like sports,", 1512.75, 1517.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1517.602, "end": 1523.607, "text": "they're a huge 49ers fan, and if you are not even a football fan, but you are pretty sure that the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they're a huge 49ers fan, and if you are not even a football fan, but you are pretty sure that the", 1517.6, 1523.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1523.607, "end": 1529.566, "text": "49ers are a football team, and they say, are you a U-Niners fan? Then your response is going to be,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["49ers are a football team, and they say, are you a U-Niners fan? Then your response is going to be,", 1523.61, 1529.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1529.872, "end": 1535.607, "text": "oh yeah, I've watched some games or my dad's a big fan or that sort of thing. And then hoping", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["oh yeah, I've watched some games or my dad's a big fan or that sort of thing. And then hoping", 1529.87, 1535.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1535.607, "end": 1540.567, "text": "that then he doesn't say, well, who's your favorite player? Because if he says that,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that then he doesn't say, well, who's your favorite player? Because if he says that,", 1535.61, 1540.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1540.675, "end": 1543.79, "text": "then we are afraid that if we have the wrong answer, this person will leave, that they will", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["then we are afraid that if we have the wrong answer, this person will leave, that they will", 1540.67, 1543.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1544.167, "end": 1548.007, "text": "abandon me. So I must say the right thing. So then I might even say, man, I just, I don't know,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["abandon me. So I must say the right thing. So then I might even say, man, I just, I don't know,", 1544.17, 1548.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1548.291, "end": 1552.647, "text": "I like the whole team. I'm really excited. And then meanwhile, he, the person who just", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I like the whole team. I'm really excited. And then meanwhile, he, the person who just", 1548.29, 1552.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1552.647, "end": 1558.247, "text": "asked that in this situation, he also is afraid that you are going to run. So he's giving you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["asked that in this situation, he also is afraid that you are going to run. So he's giving you", 1552.65, 1558.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1558.247, "end": 1561.047, "text": "that benefit of the doubt. He's thinking, oh, okay, we're not going to push too much. I don't", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that benefit of the doubt. He's thinking, oh, okay, we're not going to push too much. I don't", 1558.25, 1561.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1561.047, "end": 1565.71, "text": "want to be a jerk. I don't want to be rude. And so then we jump into these relationships", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["want to be a jerk. I don't want to be rude. And so then we jump into these relationships", 1561.05, 1565.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1565.944, "end": 1570.923, "text": "by nature, by default, with a little bit of this enmeshment, a little bit of codependency,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["by nature, by default, with a little bit of this enmeshment, a little bit of codependency,", 1565.94, 1570.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1571.436, "end": 1576.18, "text": "because we're so afraid that if that person that we are starting to become connected to.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because we're so afraid that if that person that we are starting to become connected to.", 1571.44, 1576.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1577.206, "end": 1582.327, "text": "Really sees us, who we are at our true core self, that they are going to go running and", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Really sees us, who we are at our true core self, that they are going to go running and", 1577.21, 1582.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1582.327, "end": 1586.647, "text": "screaming away. That if we actually admit that we don't really like the 49ers, and heaven forbid,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["screaming away. That if we actually admit that we don't really like the 49ers, and heaven forbid,", 1582.33, 1586.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1586.647, "end": 1590.727, "text": "we like the Raiders, then they're going to leave. So, you know what? We're just going to roll with", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we like the Raiders, then they're going to leave. So, you know what? We're just going to roll with", 1586.65, 1590.73, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1590.727, "end": 1595.031, "text": "it. Because if I like this person, then I will eventually grow to like the things that they like.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it. Because if I like this person, then I will eventually grow to like the things that they like.", 1590.73, 1595.03, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1595.508, "end": 1599.607, "text": "And these are wonderful stories that our brain is telling us that are not nefarious. They're", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And these are wonderful stories that our brain is telling us that are not nefarious. They're", 1595.51, 1599.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1599.607, "end": 1605.527, "text": "not anything that is out to get another person. But I just think it makes so much sense or helps", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["not anything that is out to get another person. But I just think it makes so much sense or helps", 1599.61, 1605.53, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1605.527, "end": 1610.407, "text": "explain why then we just start going through life and we feel like we're pretty much on the same", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["explain why then we just start going through life and we feel like we're pretty much on the same", 1605.53, 1610.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1610.407, "end": 1614.647, "text": "page with things because we're afraid that if we have different opinions, and again, this might", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["page with things because we're afraid that if we have different opinions, and again, this might", 1610.41, 1614.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1614.647, "end": 1618.05, "text": "even be something that's happened in subconscious, then our partner is going to leave, is going to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["even be something that's happened in subconscious, then our partner is going to leave, is going to", 1614.65, 1618.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1618.327, "end": 1622.74, "text": "run away. And there's another part of that where, quite frankly, we may not have even developed", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["run away. And there's another part of that where, quite frankly, we may not have even developed", 1618.33, 1622.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1623.037, "end": 1627.223, "text": "our opinions. I remember my wife and I, I remember being at a restaurant once,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["our opinions. I remember my wife and I, I remember being at a restaurant once,", 1623.04, 1627.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1627.682, "end": 1631.127, "text": "and we were talking about politics, and both of us realized, and we don't know much of anything", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and we were talking about politics, and both of us realized, and we don't know much of anything", 1627.68, 1631.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1631.127, "end": 1636.247, "text": "about politics. This was a very long time ago in my computer career days. So again, 20 years ago,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["about politics. This was a very long time ago in my computer career days. So again, 20 years ago,", 1631.13, 1636.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1636.936, "end": 1642.275, "text": "and now I have very different opinions than I did at that time, incredibly different opinions.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and now I have very different opinions than I did at that time, incredibly different opinions.", 1636.94, 1642.27, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1642.761, "end": 1646.443, "text": "So a lot of times it's not even that we aren't being our authentic self,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So a lot of times it's not even that we aren't being our authentic self,", 1642.76, 1646.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1646.727, "end": 1649.687, "text": "being our authentic self is that we don't even necessarily have an opinion.", "confidence": 0.95, "timestamps": [["being our authentic self is that we don't even necessarily have an opinion.", 1646.73, 1649.69, 0.9463502168655396]]}, {"start": 1650.656, "end": 1655.616, "text": "But then as we start to go through life as a couple and we start to have different experiences,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But then as we start to go through life as a couple and we start to have different experiences,", 1650.66, 1655.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1656.03, "end": 1660.826, "text": "then this is what I want to just resonate so clearly. Of course, we have different opinions.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["then this is what I want to just resonate so clearly. Of course, we have different opinions.", 1656.03, 1660.83, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1660.826, "end": 1664.906, "text": "Of course, we have different experiences. We are two completely different individuals,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Of course, we have different experiences. We are two completely different individuals,", 1660.83, 1664.91, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1664.969, "end": 1669.546, "text": "two completely different human beings with each of our own different nature and nurture and birth", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["two completely different human beings with each of our own different nature and nurture and birth", 1664.97, 1669.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1669.546, "end": 1673.466, "text": "order and DNA and abandonment and rejection and hopes and fears and dreams and goals.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["order and DNA and abandonment and rejection and hopes and fears and dreams and goals.", 1669.55, 1673.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1674.341, "end": 1679.386, "text": "All of those things are completely different, truly at our core, because we aren't even sure", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["All of those things are completely different, truly at our core, because we aren't even sure", 1674.34, 1679.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1679.386, "end": 1683.386, "text": "of what those are. We're trying to figure those out as we go along. And so, now we have", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of what those are. We're trying to figure those out as we go along. And so, now we have", 1679.39, 1683.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1683.386, "end": 1687.386, "text": "a situation where we have to make a financial decision or we have to make a decision on", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a situation where we have to make a financial decision or we have to make a decision on", 1683.39, 1687.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1687.386, "end": 1691.306, "text": "where we move. And we don't know. It's the very first time that each of us are going", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where we move. And we don't know. It's the very first time that each of us are going", 1687.39, 1691.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1691.306, "end": 1695.546, "text": "through this the way that we're going through it. So, in those moments, I truly believe", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["through this the way that we're going through it. So, in those moments, I truly believe", 1691.31, 1695.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1695.546, "end": 1700.357, "text": "that no one has these tools to communicate effectively because they just aren't taught.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that no one has these tools to communicate effectively because they just aren't taught.", 1695.55, 1700.36, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1700.636, "end": 1705.866, "text": "They're not modeled and they don't come natural because we are afraid that if we are", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["They're not modeled and they don't come natural because we are afraid that if we are", 1700.64, 1705.87, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1705.948, "end": 1710.071, "text": "misunderstood or if somebody else thinks something bad about us that they're going to leave.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["misunderstood or if somebody else thinks something bad about us that they're going to leave.", 1705.95, 1710.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1710.539, "end": 1715.066, "text": "But meanwhile, we're also making a lot of judgments about what we think the other person feels,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But meanwhile, we're also making a lot of judgments about what we think the other person feels,", 1710.54, 1715.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1715.066, "end": 1719.546, "text": "believes, or what they mean in the way that they communicate. So you can start to see that this is", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["believes, or what they mean in the way that they communicate. So you can start to see that this is", 1715.07, 1719.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1719.546, "end": 1725.466, "text": "a recipe for real frustration. I was going to say disaster, and it can be. But when we can accept", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a recipe for real frustration. I was going to say disaster, and it can be. But when we can accept", 1719.55, 1725.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1725.6, "end": 1729.706, "text": "the fact that we're two different individuals, and regardless of wherever we find this need for", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the fact that we're two different individuals, and regardless of wherever we find this need for", 1725.6, 1729.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1729.706, "end": 1734.611, "text": "these tools in our life, whether it's in year five or whether it's in year 35, there we are.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["these tools in our life, whether it's in year five or whether it's in year 35, there we are.", 1729.71, 1734.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1735.016, "end": 1738.779, "text": "That is acceptance. And if we start to think, man, I wish we would have had this 20 years ago,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["That is acceptance. And if we start to think, man, I wish we would have had this 20 years ago,", 1735.02, 1738.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1739.13, "end": 1745.918, "text": "absolutely. And man, I worry that it's too late. Yeah, that's scary. But you know what you know,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["absolutely. And man, I worry that it's too late. Yeah, that's scary. But you know what you know,", 1739.13, 1745.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1746.044, "end": 1750.506, "text": "and it's going to be difficult. And I truly believe that people don't go find the tools", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and it's going to be difficult. And I truly believe that people don't go find the tools", 1746.04, 1750.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1750.506, "end": 1755.066, "text": "that they need until they go through things. And I have tried and I will continue to try,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that they need until they go through things. And I have tried and I will continue to try,", 1750.51, 1755.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1755.066, "end": 1760.646, "text": "and I will adapt my four pillars for newlywed couples. I've been working with pre-marriage", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and I will adapt my four pillars for newlywed couples. I've been working with pre-marriage", 1755.07, 1760.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1760.709, "end": 1765.306, "text": "situations and trying to teach the four pillars using this BASE acronym. And I have a couple of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["situations and trying to teach the four pillars using this BASE acronym. And I have a couple of", 1760.71, 1765.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1765.306, "end": 1771.466, "text": "beta sites going right now where I'm trying to do mother-daughter, adult, mother or mom would be", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["beta sites going right now where I'm trying to do mother-daughter, adult, mother or mom would be", 1765.31, 1771.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1771.466, "end": 1777.226, "text": "adult, the daughters and adult with their mom or a teenage son and a dad trying to work these four", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["adult, the daughters and adult with their mom or a teenage son and a dad trying to work these four", 1771.47, 1777.23, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1777.226, "end": 1782.906, "text": "pillars. But it is very difficult because at that point, you'll see as we get into maybe these", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["pillars. But it is very difficult because at that point, you'll see as we get into maybe these", 1777.23, 1782.91, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1782.906, "end": 1787.546, "text": "higher charge topics where people just say, no, it's really not a big deal. I shouldn't have said", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["higher charge topics where people just say, no, it's really not a big deal. I shouldn't have said", 1782.91, 1787.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1787.546, "end": 1791.946, "text": "that. Instead of saying, oh man, okay, we are allowed to have our own opinions. And once we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that. Instead of saying, oh man, okay, we are allowed to have our own opinions. And once we", 1787.55, 1791.95, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1791.946, "end": 1795.718, "text": "have a framework and feel like we really can express ourselves, then it really can lead to just.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["have a framework and feel like we really can express ourselves, then it really can lead to just.", 1791.95, 1795.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1796.051, "end": 1801.386, "text": "Incredibly helpful and healthy, productive conversations. So that's what brings us into", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Incredibly helpful and healthy, productive conversations. So that's what brings us into", 1796.05, 1801.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1801.386, "end": 1805.706, "text": "this situation where at some point you're listening to a podcast or you're taking a marriage course,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["this situation where at some point you're listening to a podcast or you're taking a marriage course,", 1801.39, 1805.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1805.706, "end": 1810.59, "text": "or you're buying the workshop, or you're investing in other courses and books because you want the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or you're buying the workshop, or you're investing in other courses and books because you want the", 1805.71, 1810.59, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1810.779, "end": 1814.346, "text": "right tools. You want to be able to communicate more effectively, and I am grateful that you're", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["right tools. You want to be able to communicate more effectively, and I am grateful that you're", 1810.78, 1814.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1814.346, "end": 1819.506, "text": "you're there. And whether you're choosing my course or my program, doing something", "confidence": 0.96, "timestamps": [["you're there. And whether you're choosing my course or my program, doing something", 1814.35, 1819.51, 0.9649401903152466]]}, {"start": 1819.727, "end": 1828.266, "text": "is far better than doing nothing. Because just simply existing is absolutely not doing the work.", "confidence": 0.84, "timestamps": [["is far better than doing nothing. Because just simply existing is absolutely not", 1819.73, 1825.35, 0.9649401903152466], ["doing the work.", 1825.47, 1828.27, 0.7239067554473877]]}, {"start": 1827.037, "end": 1833.681, "text": "If you're just hanging on waiting for things to get better, then I really feel bad being the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["If you're just hanging on waiting for things to get better, then I really feel bad being the", 1827.04, 1833.68, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1833.798, "end": 1839.287, "text": "bearer of this bad news. But that is slowly creating your own implicit memory or what it", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["bearer of this bad news. But that is slowly creating your own implicit memory or what it", 1833.8, 1839.29, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1839.388, "end": 1844.567, "text": "feels like to be you is that I am now waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["feels like to be you is that I am now waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better,", 1839.39, 1844.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1844.567, "end": 1850.327, "text": "which at some point someone has to start doing the work in the relationship. And unfortunately,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["which at some point someone has to start doing the work in the relationship. And unfortunately,", 1844.57, 1850.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1850.327, "end": 1854.807, "text": "what can happen is when one person starts to do or feel like they are in charge of more of the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["what can happen is when one person starts to do or feel like they are in charge of more of the", 1850.33, 1854.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1854.807, "end": 1859.647, "text": "the work than the other person, then it can be really difficult because the person now", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the work than the other person, then it can be really difficult because the person now", 1854.81, 1859.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1859.647, "end": 1864.967, "text": "that has not been doing their own work can start to then now feel judged by the person", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that has not been doing their own work can start to then now feel judged by the person", 1859.65, 1864.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1864.967, "end": 1867.807, "text": "that is saying, okay, I don't know what else to do, but I want this connection. I want", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that is saying, okay, I don't know what else to do, but I want this connection. I want", 1864.97, 1867.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1867.807, "end": 1871.807, "text": "this relationship to work because that can now almost feel like it's coming from a place", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["this relationship to work because that can now almost feel like it's coming from a place", 1867.81, 1871.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1871.807, "end": 1875.433, "text": "of desperation. And so that can even start to feel overwhelming in itself.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of desperation. And so that can even start to feel overwhelming in itself.", 1871.81, 1875.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1876.478, "end": 1881.247, "text": "So in a perfect world, if your spouse, your partner is even sharing this podcast with,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So in a perfect world, if your spouse, your partner is even sharing this podcast with,", 1876.48, 1881.25, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1881.798, "end": 1885.927, "text": "then please know that oh man be so grateful that they are because they want", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["then please know that oh man be so grateful that they are because they want", 1881.8, 1885.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1885.927, "end": 1889.487, "text": "to have a better connection. They want to be able to communicate more effectively,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to have a better connection. They want to be able to communicate more effectively,", 1885.93, 1889.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1890.125, "end": 1893.887, "text": "and I hope that you might have to rewind about 10 minutes and listen to the how", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and I hope that you might have to rewind about 10 minutes and listen to the how", 1890.13, 1893.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1893.887, "end": 1901.647, "text": "we got to where we got again. Our abandonment and our attachment we don't know the things that we don't know and everyone is having this experience I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we got to where we got again. Our abandonment and our attachment we don't", 1893.89, 1897.29, 1.0], ["know the things that we don't know and everyone is having this experience I", 1897.29, 1901.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1901.647, "end": 1906.367, "text": "believe in their relationship if they really look deeply into the relationship", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["believe in their relationship if they really look deeply into the relationship", 1901.65, 1906.37, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1906.581, "end": 1914.427, "text": "and are they truly feeling heard and understood or connected or if you are the one person and you feel like I'm good, then I don't know if that's going to mean", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and are they truly feeling heard and understood or connected or if you are", 1906.58, 1910.17, 1.0], ["the one person and you feel like I'm good, then I don't know if that's going to mean", 1910.17, 1914.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1914.427, "end": 1918.167, "text": "that your spouse feels the same way or if that just means that they've been giving in", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that your spouse feels the same way or if that just means that they've been giving in", 1914.43, 1918.17, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1918.167, "end": 1921.894, "text": "or acquiescing on their opinion in the name of keeping the peace.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or acquiescing on their opinion in the name of keeping the peace.", 1918.17, 1921.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1923.127, "end": 1929.967, "text": "So let's get to the four pillars. Now I've introduced a pre-pillar and this is based off of Marshall Rosenberg's groundbreaking", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So let's get to the four pillars.", 1923.13, 1925.61, 1.0], ["Now I've introduced a pre-pillar and this is based off of Marshall Rosenberg's groundbreaking", 1925.61, 1929.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1930.257, "end": 1932.13, "text": "work in his book Nonviolent Communication.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["work in his book Nonviolent Communication.", 1930.26, 1932.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1932.627, "end": 1935.623, "text": "And there was a while a few months ago that I feel like I was working this into every,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And there was a while a few months ago that I feel like I was working this into every,", 1932.63, 1935.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1936.082, "end": 1939.737, "text": "virtual couch podcast as well as waking up the narcissism podcast because I was just", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["virtual couch podcast as well as waking up the narcissism podcast because I was just", 1936.08, 1939.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1939.8, "end": 1946.02, "text": "blown away by how amazing this one principle is from within nonviolent communication.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["blown away by how amazing this one principle is from within nonviolent communication.", 1939.8, 1946.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1946.627, "end": 1955.347, "text": "So my pre-pillar, it emphasizes the importance of clear, objective observations over subjective judgments.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So my pre-pillar, it emphasizes the importance of clear, objective observations over subjective", 1946.63, 1953.47, 1.0], ["judgments.", 1953.86, 1955.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1955.671, "end": 1960.505, "text": "Because what Marshall talks about is that we naturally tend to categorize or label those around us.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because what Marshall talks about is that we naturally tend to categorize or label those", 1955.67, 1959.31, 1.0], ["around us.", 1959.31, 1960.5, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1960.647, "end": 1964.673, "text": "So we may say that they are lazy, they are careless, they are selfish, and so on.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So we may say that they are lazy, they are careless, they are selfish, and so on.", 1960.65, 1964.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1965.267, "end": 1969.587, "text": "But these immediate judgments often evoke defensiveness or this disengagement in the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But these immediate judgments often evoke defensiveness or this disengagement in the", 1965.27, 1969.59, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1969.587, "end": 1971.065, "text": "person that we're trying to connect with.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["person that we're trying to connect with.", 1969.59, 1971.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1972.387, "end": 1977.347, "text": "So by focusing instead on unbiased observation, then we can create an open, more of a neutral", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So by focusing instead on unbiased observation, then we can create an open, more of a neutral", 1972.39, 1977.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1977.347, "end": 1980.814, "text": "space for understanding and more dialogue.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["space for understanding and more dialogue.", 1977.35, 1980.81, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1981.347, "end": 1986.667, "text": "So this means from moving away from statements like, you're always so lazy to, hey, I noticed", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So this means from moving away from statements like, you're always so lazy to, hey, I noticed", 1981.35, 1986.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1986.667, "end": 1988.376, "text": "the dishes weren't done when I came home.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the dishes weren't done when I came home.", 1986.67, 1988.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1988.987, "end": 1992.193, "text": "By making the shift, we remove blame and accusatory language.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["By making the shift, we remove blame and accusatory language.", 1988.99, 1992.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1992.827, "end": 1996.507, "text": "And that enables the conversation to focus on the action rather than the character of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And that enables the conversation to focus on the action rather than the character of", 1992.83, 1996.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 1996.507, "end": 2001.861, "text": "the person involved. So if I say that, man, you know, they don't do the dishes because they're just so lazy.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the person involved.", 1996.51, 1997.99, 1.0], ["So if I say that, man, you know, they don't do the dishes because they're just so lazy.", 1997.99, 2001.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2002.599, "end": 2007.969, "text": "Then now if I say, hey, why didn't you do the dishes? If that person doesn't respond with", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Then now if I say, hey, why didn't you do the dishes? If that person doesn't respond with", 2002.6, 2007.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2007.969, "end": 2012.529, "text": "anything other than, oh, it's because I'm always so lazy, then I'm saying they're not even being", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["anything other than, oh, it's because I'm always so lazy, then I'm saying they're not even being", 2007.97, 2012.53, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2012.529, "end": 2017.009, "text": "honest with themselves. So when we do this observation and judgment, what we're doing is", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["honest with themselves. So when we do this observation and judgment, what we're doing is", 2012.53, 2017.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2017.009, "end": 2021.969, "text": "we're basically saying I've made an observation and a judgment all in the same frame to whether", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we're basically saying I've made an observation and a judgment all in the same frame to whether", 2017.01, 2021.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2021.969, "end": 2027.089, "text": "it's to ease my own anxiety or to try to make sense of the world to me. And now I need you,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it's to ease my own anxiety or to try to make sense of the world to me. And now I need you,", 2021.97, 2027.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2027.23, "end": 2033.324, "text": "person that I just judged and observed to defend yourself based off of a narrative that I have.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["person that I just judged and observed to defend yourself based off of a narrative that I have.", 2027.23, 2033.32, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2033.569, "end": 2039.009, "text": "Created that you're not even aware of. So, when you look at that pre-pillar, this observation", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Created that you're not even aware of. So, when you look at that pre-pillar, this observation", 2033.57, 2039.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2039.009, "end": 2044.289, "text": "over judgment, then I feel like you can start to see that we're doing these things often.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["over judgment, then I feel like you can start to see that we're doing these things often.", 2039.01, 2044.29, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2044.442, "end": 2049.409, "text": "And I want to just be able to acknowledge it. I love people watching, but not too long ago,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I want to just be able to acknowledge it. I love people watching, but not too long ago,", 2044.44, 2049.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2049.409, "end": 2053.569, "text": "I was in Arizona and I was hanging out with my daughter and son-in-law. And my son-in-law and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I was in Arizona and I was hanging out with my daughter and son-in-law. And my son-in-law and", 2049.41, 2053.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2053.569, "end": 2057.489, "text": "I were at a restaurant and we were just looking around. I was explaining this concept to him and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I were at a restaurant and we were just looking around. I was explaining this concept to him and", 2053.57, 2057.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2057.489, "end": 2062.129, "text": "I said, so look at that couple over there. What are your first thoughts? And we were making", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I said, so look at that couple over there. What are your first thoughts? And we were making", 2057.49, 2062.13, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2062.129, "end": 2067.329, "text": "absolute judgments with our observations. And I said, it just makes sense. And let me just be", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["absolute judgments with our observations. And I said, it just makes sense. And let me just be", 2062.13, 2067.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2067.329, "end": 2071.329, "text": "honest and I will be very judgmental and own it because we were taking ownership of the fact that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["honest and I will be very judgmental and own it because we were taking ownership of the fact that", 2067.33, 2071.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2071.329, "end": 2075.329, "text": "we were judgmental, but there was a lady that looked very put together and a guy that looked", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we were judgmental, but there was a lady that looked very put together and a guy that looked", 2071.33, 2075.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2075.329, "end": 2080.449, "text": "like an unmade bed. That is my observation. So then we make the concept, oh, he must be rich.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["like an unmade bed. That is my observation. So then we make the concept, oh, he must be rich.", 2075.33, 2080.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2080.658, "end": 2086.529, "text": "I mean, look how bad that judgment is, because that's obviously why they're together. I mean,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I mean, look how bad that judgment is, because that's obviously why they're together. I mean,", 2080.66, 2086.53, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2086.529, "end": 2093.169, "text": "no, they could have the greatest connection and communication style and marriage known to mankind,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["no, they could have the greatest connection and communication style and marriage known to mankind,", 2086.53, 2093.17, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2093.169, "end": 2098.897, "text": "and they don't care about physical appearance. But I was making that observation and judgment.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and they don't care about physical appearance. But I was making that observation and judgment.", 2093.17, 2098.9, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2099.329, "end": 2104.849, "text": "Because we have to be aware of it in order to not do that. So, again, back to moving away", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Because we have to be aware of it in order to not do that. So, again, back to moving away", 2099.33, 2104.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2104.849, "end": 2108.609, "text": "from statements like, you're always so lazy, to I noticed the dishes weren't done when I came home.", "confidence": 0.94, "timestamps": [["from statements like, you're always so lazy, to I noticed the dishes weren't done when I came home.", 2104.85, 2108.61, 0.9360018372535706]]}, {"start": 2109.429, "end": 2114.959, "text": "So, this pre-pillar, or the O, the observation over judgment's pre-pillar, encourages us", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So, this pre-pillar, or the O, the observation over judgment's pre-pillar, encourages us", 2109.43, 2114.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2114.959, "end": 2119.079, "text": "to be mindful of the language we use and the assumptions that we make.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to be mindful of the language we use and the assumptions that we make.", 2114.96, 2119.08, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2119.079, "end": 2122.302, "text": "And I'm asking you to distinguish between your own emotional reactions and then the,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I'm asking you to distinguish between your own emotional reactions and then the,", 2119.08, 2122.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2123.039, "end": 2128.479, "text": "objective events that occur, because that is going to set the stage for healthier, more", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["objective events that occur, because that is going to set the stage for healthier, more", 2123.04, 2128.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2128.479, "end": 2130.179, "text": "constructive conversations.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["constructive conversations.", 2128.48, 2130.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2130.879, "end": 2135.719, "text": "So by adopting this practice of being aware of these observations and separating them", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So by adopting this practice of being aware of these observations and separating them", 2130.88, 2135.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2135.719, "end": 2140.172, "text": "from the judgments, now we're starting to lay a foundation for the four pillars.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["from the judgments, now we're starting to lay a foundation for the four pillars.", 2135.72, 2140.17, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2140.839, "end": 2144.479, "text": "So when we're going to get to this benefit of the doubt, accept their perspective, seek", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So when we're going to get to this benefit of the doubt, accept their perspective, seek", 2140.84, 2144.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2144.479, "end": 2146.546, "text": "first to understand and embrace the conversation.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["first to understand and embrace the conversation.", 2144.48, 2146.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2147.319, "end": 2150.999, "text": "With this approach, now we're on the brink of revolutionizing the way that we interact", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["With this approach, now we're on the brink of revolutionizing the way that we interact", 2147.32, 2151.0, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2150.999, "end": 2155.431, "text": "with each other, and we're going to open this door to more genuine connection and understanding.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["with each other, and we're going to open this door to more genuine connection and understanding.", 2151.0, 2155.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2156.199, "end": 2159.779, "text": "If you are separating the observation from the judgment, it is so much easier now to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["If you are separating the observation from the judgment, it is so much easier now to", 2156.2, 2159.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2159.779, "end": 2165.579, "text": "step into that pillar one of benefit of the doubt, because it is hard to give the benefit", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["step into that pillar one of benefit of the doubt, because it is hard to give the benefit", 2159.78, 2165.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2165.579, "end": 2170.879, "text": "of the doubt if I truly believe that my observation and the judgment that comes along with it", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of the doubt if I truly believe that my observation and the judgment that comes along with it", 2165.58, 2170.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2170.951, "end": 2171.572, "text": "are correct.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["are correct.", 2170.95, 2171.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2172.139, "end": 2176.119, "text": "Because even now I'm saying, okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, but I really", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because even now I'm saying, okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, but I really", 2172.14, 2176.12, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2176.119, "end": 2177.135, "text": "know what's going on.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["know what's going on.", 2176.12, 2177.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2177.899, "end": 2182.87, "text": "So incorporating this pre-pillar into this existing framework helps underline this importance", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So incorporating this pre-pillar into this existing framework helps underline this importance", 2177.9, 2182.87, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2183.239, "end": 2187.139, "text": "of staying nonjudgmental and observant in our interactions.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of staying nonjudgmental and observant in our interactions.", 2183.24, 2187.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2187.139, "end": 2192.719, "text": "And that is what then perfectly segues into these principles of the four pillars of a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And that is what then perfectly segues into these principles of the four pillars of a", 2187.14, 2192.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2192.719, "end": 2194.087, "text": "connected conversation.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["connected conversation.", 2192.72, 2194.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2195.219, "end": 2197.939, "text": "So I'll give you another quick example. This is one that I just jotted down", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So I'll give you another quick example.", 2195.22, 2196.34, 1.0], ["This is one that I just jotted down", 2196.34, 2197.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2197.939, "end": 2199.739, "text": "that was in my office pretty recently.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that was in my office pretty recently.", 2197.94, 2199.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2199.739, "end": 2203.459, "text": "We will call the people Tina and Jeff. They're a couple who have also been navigating", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We will call the people Tina and Jeff.", 2199.74, 2201.54, 1.0], ["They're a couple who have also been navigating", 2201.54, 2203.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2203.656, "end": 2206.899, "text": "a rough patch in their relationship and they frequently end up in heated arguments.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a rough patch in their relationship", 2203.66, 2204.61, 1.0], ["and they frequently end up in heated arguments.", 2205.06, 2206.9, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2206.899, "end": 2212.619, "text": "They both came from families that did get pretty heated. So it's one of those funny things as a therapist", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["They both came from families that did get pretty heated.", 2206.9, 2210.06, 1.0], ["So it's one of those funny things as a therapist", 2210.06, 2212.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2212.619, "end": 2217.339, "text": "at times where I'm now wanting to get rid of my own discomfort and help them calm down", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["at times where I'm now wanting to get rid", 2212.62, 2215.06, 1.0], ["of my own discomfort and help them calm down", 2215.06, 2217.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2217.339, "end": 2219.739, "text": "where in reality they were quite okay,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where in reality they were quite okay,", 2217.34, 2219.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2220.364, "end": 2223.11, "text": "with the dynamic of getting pretty intense and heated.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["with the dynamic of getting pretty intense and heated.", 2220.36, 2223.11, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2223.379, "end": 2229.219, "text": "So that's been something that's been fascinating in and of itself, because so often we find ourselves in relationships where maybe one", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So that's been something that's been fascinating", 2223.38, 2225.18, 1.0], ["in and of itself, because so often we find ourselves in relationships where maybe one", 2225.18, 2229.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2229.219, "end": 2233.179, "text": "person was raised around a lot of chaos and the other person was raised in a setting where", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["person was raised around a lot of chaos and the other person was raised in a setting where", 2229.22, 2233.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2233.179, "end": 2234.354, "text": "it feels like a library.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it feels like a library.", 2233.18, 2234.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2234.779, "end": 2239.224, "text": "And so that's something that you need to navigate as well before you can even get to the pre-pillar", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so that's something that you need to navigate as well before you can even get to the pre-pillar", 2234.78, 2239.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2239.377, "end": 2241.259, "text": "before the four pillars of base.", "confidence": 0.89, "timestamps": [["before the four pillars of base.", 2239.38, 2241.26, 0.8881264925003052]]}, {"start": 2242.105, "end": 2246.115, "text": "But back to Tina and Jeff. So, they frequently end up in these heated arguments and they both", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But back to Tina and Jeff. So, they frequently end up in these heated arguments and they both", 2242.1, 2246.11, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2246.115, "end": 2249.795, "text": "feel misunderstood and disconnected. And I love the fact that they would often talk about that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["feel misunderstood and disconnected. And I love the fact that they would often talk about that", 2246.11, 2249.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2249.795, "end": 2255.075, "text": "they feel like they were almost having a, you know, a my life is worse off, meaning that they", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they feel like they were almost having a, you know, a my life is worse off, meaning that they", 2249.79, 2255.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2255.075, "end": 2260.675, "text": "both wanted to be heard so desperately that they were unwilling to give ground and then hear the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["both wanted to be heard so desperately that they were unwilling to give ground and then hear the", 2255.07, 2260.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2260.675, "end": 2265.715, "text": "other person because I think they were afraid that then they would never be heard or understood.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["other person because I think they were afraid that then they would never be heard or understood.", 2260.67, 2265.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2266.348, "end": 2271.855, "text": "So, they decide to lean into the whole ground themselves and then jump into the base approach", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So, they decide to lean into the whole ground themselves and then jump into the base approach", 2266.35, 2271.85, 0.9960454106330872]]}, {"start": 2271.855, "end": 2273.973, "text": "to these connected conversations.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to these connected conversations.", 2271.85, 2273.97, 0.9960454106330872]]}, {"start": 2274.135, "end": 2278.537, "text": "So it was, and this is where I love the most simple, low charge topics.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So it was, and this is where I love the most simple, low charge topics.", 2274.13, 2278.54, 0.9960454106330872]]}, {"start": 2279.055, "end": 2280.814, "text": "And let me just make a quick note here.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And let me just make a quick note here.", 2279.05, 2280.81, 0.9960454106330872]]}, {"start": 2281.395, "end": 2285.595, "text": "When people come into the office, they often want to jump right to the high charge topics of sex.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["When people come into the office, they often want to jump right to the high charge topics", 2281.39, 2284.59, 0.9960454106330872], ["of sex.", 2284.59, 2285.59, 0.9960454106330872]]}, {"start": 2285.874, "end": 2292.121, "text": "I always want to say drugs and rock and roll, but sex, parenting, finances, religion, and politics.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I always want to say drugs and rock and roll, but sex, parenting, finances, religion, and", 2285.87, 2291.17, 0.9960454106330872], ["politics.", 2291.47, 2292.12, 0.9960454106330872]]}, {"start": 2292.517, "end": 2297.035, "text": "But when we don't even have a framework to communicate effectively with, then I think", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But when we don't even have a framework to communicate effectively with, then I think", 2292.52, 2297.03, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2297.035, "end": 2301.195, "text": "it's pretty crazy to try to jump in and use a brand new framework to talk about things", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it's pretty crazy to try to jump in and use a brand new framework to talk about things", 2297.03, 2301.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2301.195, "end": 2302.663, "text": "that are already difficult to talk about.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that are already difficult to talk about.", 2301.19, 2302.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2303.035, "end": 2307.857, "text": "So I want to own the fact that when a couple comes into my office and they want to talk.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So I want to own the fact that when a couple comes into my office and they want to talk.", 2303.03, 2307.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2308.635, "end": 2313.915, "text": "About these really heavy topics and they want to get to something right away because they're", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["About these really heavy topics and they want to get to something right away because they're", 2308.63, 2313.91, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2313.915, "end": 2317.355, "text": "paying good money and they finally get to the point where they've got their spouse in", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["paying good money and they finally get to the point where they've got their spouse in", 2313.91, 2317.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2317.355, "end": 2320.355, "text": "there and I understand that can be frustrating.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["there and I understand that can be frustrating.", 2317.35, 2320.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2320.355, "end": 2325.075, "text": "But I just I hope that people when they hear this can also realize that if you're just", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But I just I hope that people when they hear this can also realize that if you're just", 2320.35, 2325.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2325.075, "end": 2330.275, "text": "coming into a therapist and you just want to get right to the heart of things right", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["coming into a therapist and you just want to get right to the heart of things right", 2325.07, 2330.27, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2330.275, "end": 2334.342, "text": "away you're be blunt with me tell me how it is and let's not waste time.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["away you're be blunt with me tell me how it is and let's not waste time.", 2330.27, 2334.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2334.835, "end": 2340.495, "text": "We're basically saying hey I want you therapist to basically judge or make a ruling when the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We're basically saying hey I want you therapist to basically judge or make a ruling when the", 2334.83, 2340.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2340.495, "end": 2343.758, "text": "goal of a therapist is to help give you tools.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["goal of a therapist is to help give you tools.", 2340.49, 2343.76, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2344.115, "end": 2348.795, "text": "It's the old teacher man to fish and they'll they'll eat forever and instead of just saying", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It's the old teacher man to fish and they'll they'll eat forever and instead of just saying", 2344.11, 2348.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2348.795, "end": 2351.835, "text": "okay I caught some fish and here you go you can have a meal you're gonna leave", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["okay I caught some fish and here you go you can have a meal you're gonna leave", 2348.79, 2351.83, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2351.835, "end": 2355.056, "text": "feeling pretty satisfied one of you is gonna definitely feel heard or", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["feeling pretty satisfied one of you is gonna definitely feel heard or", 2351.83, 2355.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2355.155, "end": 2359.195, "text": "understood if I am just gonna render a judgment but that isn't the way it works.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["understood if I am just gonna render a judgment but that isn't the way it works.", 2355.15, 2359.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2359.746, "end": 2363.555, "text": "And so I am very intentional about we're gonna talk about low charge topics", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And so I am very intentional about we're gonna talk about low charge topics", 2359.75, 2363.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2363.555, "end": 2370.915, "text": "because if you can't even put the framework into place with a low charge topic then heaven forbid you try to jump right up to there's a high desire low", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because if you can't even put the framework into place with a low charge", 2363.55, 2367.11, 1.0], ["topic then heaven forbid you try to jump right up to there's a high desire low", 2367.11, 2370.91, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2370.915, "end": 2374.715, "text": "desire partner in a sexual relationship or there's two different ways that we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["desire partner in a sexual relationship or there's two different ways that we", 2370.91, 2374.71, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2374.715, "end": 2377.184, "text": "want to handle the finances I mean I hope that you can understand that it's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["want to handle the finances I mean I hope that you can understand that it's", 2374.71, 2377.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2377.595, "end": 2381.515, "text": "It's going to take work, and I'm not saying that it took you 25 years to get to this situation,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It's going to take work, and I'm not saying that it took you 25 years to get to this situation,", 2377.59, 2381.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2381.515, "end": 2384.088, "text": "so it's going to take you half that long, 12 and a half.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["so it's going to take you half that long, 12 and a half.", 2381.51, 2384.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2384.502, "end": 2388.175, "text": "No. When people finally get the right tools, and I feel very confident about this as somebody", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["No.", 2384.5, 2385.23, 1.0], ["When people finally get the right tools, and I feel very confident about this as somebody", 2385.23, 2388.17, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2388.49, "end": 2394.395, "text": "that does this every day for a living, that when you are able to embrace and use the tools,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that does this every day for a living, that when you are able to embrace and use the tools,", 2388.49, 2394.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2394.837, "end": 2400.195, "text": "that once you realize that the goal here is to be heard, to be heard is to be healed,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that once you realize that the goal here is to be heard, to be heard is to be healed,", 2394.84, 2400.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2400.195, "end": 2402.595, "text": "and it is not to immediately seek resolution.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and it is not to immediately seek resolution.", 2400.19, 2402.59, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2402.595, "end": 2407.674, "text": "We'll get to that down the road. That's the stuff that is going to be a bigger piece of what's in the course.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We'll get to that down the road.", 2402.59, 2403.79, 1.0], ["That's the stuff that is going to be a bigger piece of what's in the course.", 2403.79, 2407.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2408.35, "end": 2414.04, "text": "But you have to reverse the reverse course on if the ship is heading toward the iceberg.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But you have to reverse the reverse course on if the ship is heading toward the iceberg.", 2408.35, 2414.04, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2414.04, "end": 2417.32, "text": "When we first have to be able to learn how to drive the ship and I don't know, I'm not", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["When we first have to be able to learn how to drive the ship and I don't know, I'm not", 2414.04, 2417.32, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2417.32, "end": 2421.08, "text": "really good with analogies, but we don't want to hit the iceberg. And so we're going to start", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["really good with analogies, but we don't want to hit the iceberg. And so we're going to start", 2417.32, 2421.08, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2421.08, "end": 2425.769, "text": "working with lower charge topics and using this framework because you will find often", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["working with lower charge topics and using this framework because you will find often", 2421.08, 2425.77, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2425.868, "end": 2431.96, "text": "that even the most mundane or low charge topics can still erupt into arguments, disagreements,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that even the most mundane or low charge topics can still erupt into arguments, disagreements,", 2425.87, 2431.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2431.96, "end": 2437.32, "text": "not feeling heard and understood, being shut down. So I often talk about some of the best", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["not feeling heard and understood, being shut down. So I often talk about some of the best", 2431.96, 2437.32, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2437.32, "end": 2440.992, "text": "conversations I've had have been half an hour conversations around taking the garbage out,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["conversations I've had have been half an hour conversations around taking the garbage out,", 2437.32, 2440.99, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2441.541, "end": 2445.8, "text": "or a Taco Bell drive-thru line. And there will inevitably somebody in the room who is going to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or a Taco Bell drive-thru line. And there will inevitably somebody in the room who is going to", 2441.54, 2445.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2445.8, "end": 2450.2, "text": "think this is ridiculous. I can't believe we just paid this person money to talk about the Taco", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["think this is ridiculous. I can't believe we just paid this person money to talk about the Taco", 2445.8, 2450.2, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2450.2, "end": 2455.233, "text": "Bell drive-thru or taking the garbage out. But then when you really start to recognize that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Bell drive-thru or taking the garbage out. But then when you really start to recognize that", 2450.2, 2455.23, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2455.377, "end": 2460.6, "text": "we are just trying to be heard so desperately or tell the other person what they're doing is wrong", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we are just trying to be heard so desperately or tell the other person what they're doing is wrong", 2455.38, 2460.6, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2460.6, "end": 2465.955, "text": "because we think it is, that that's a me issue, or how often are we just trying to get out of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because we think it is, that that's a me issue, or how often are we just trying to get out of", 2460.6, 2465.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2466.2, "end": 2471.24, "text": "the discomfort of a feeling or a situation by either just giving in, of going into a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the discomfort of a feeling or a situation by either just giving in, of going into a", 2466.2, 2471.24, 0.9977960586547852]]}, {"start": 2471.473, "end": 2476.12, "text": "victim mindset, okay, fine, I won't ever do that again, or of just saying, okay, no, I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["victim mindset, okay, fine, I won't ever do that again, or of just saying, okay, no, I", 2471.47, 2476.12, 0.9977960586547852]]}, {"start": 2476.12, "end": 2480.84, "text": "get your point, but if I really don't, and so I've shut down mentally, that we just don't", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["get your point, but if I really don't, and so I've shut down mentally, that we just don't", 2476.12, 2480.84, 0.9977960586547852]]}, {"start": 2480.84, "end": 2482.303, "text": "have the right tools.", "confidence": 0.81, "timestamps": [["have the right tools.", 2480.84, 2482.3, 0.8125165104866028]]}, {"start": 2483.239, "end": 2486.93, "text": "So I go back to this example, we're talking about Tina and Jeff and we're talking about this is", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So I go back to this example, we're talking about Tina and Jeff and we're talking about this is", 2483.24, 2486.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2486.93, "end": 2492.26, "text": "really about taking the trash out literally. So, all right, Jeff forgets to take out the trash.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["really about taking the trash out literally. So, all right, Jeff forgets to take out the trash.", 2486.93, 2492.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2492.845, "end": 2497.73, "text": "It is a regular chore and a common source of conflict. Tina, who is tired after a long day", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It is a regular chore and a common source of conflict. Tina, who is tired after a long day", 2492.84, 2497.73, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2497.73, "end": 2502.69, "text": "at work notices the overflowing trash bin and she feels a surge of frustration because her initial", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["at work notices the overflowing trash bin and she feels a surge of frustration because her initial", 2497.73, 2502.69, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2502.69, "end": 2508.21, "text": "thought was Jeff is so inconsiderate. Jeff doesn't, he doesn't care about me. Jeff's doing this. He's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["thought was Jeff is so inconsiderate. Jeff doesn't, he doesn't care about me. Jeff's doing this. He's", 2502.69, 2508.21, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2508.21, "end": 2512.69, "text": "being passive aggressive and Jeff thinks things are, I mean, she has so many things that just come", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["being passive aggressive and Jeff thinks things are, I mean, she has so many things that just come", 2508.21, 2512.69, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2512.69, "end": 2518.29, "text": "immediately to mind. But remembering that we're using the four pillars, this base model,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["immediately to mind. But remembering that we're using the four pillars, this base model,", 2512.69, 2518.29, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2519.05, "end": 2523.89, "text": "and especially the G, the being grounded, the pre-pillar, ground herself in observation.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and especially the G, the being grounded, the pre-pillar, ground herself in observation.", 2519.05, 2523.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2523.89, "end": 2528.05, "text": "Pre-pillar, instead of labeling Jeff as inconsiderate, she makes a neutral observation.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Pre-pillar, instead of labeling Jeff as inconsiderate, she makes a neutral observation.", 2523.89, 2528.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2528.755, "end": 2533.94, "text": "Jeff did not take out the trash tonight. Now that Tina has grounded herself in observation,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Jeff did not take out the trash tonight. Now that Tina has grounded herself in observation,", 2528.75, 2533.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2534.05, "end": 2539.89, "text": "now she can move on to the base of the four pillars. B, benefit of the doubt. Tina recognizes", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["now she can move on to the base of the four pillars. B, benefit of the doubt. Tina recognizes", 2534.05, 2539.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2539.89, "end": 2543.465, "text": "is that there must be a reason that Jeff didn't take out the trash.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["is that there must be a reason", 2539.89, 2541.47, 1.0], ["that Jeff didn't take out the trash.", 2542.15, 2543.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2543.843, "end": 2549.352, "text": "She reminds herself that Jeff isn't inconsiderate by nature and there might be a good reason behind the oversight.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["She reminds herself that Jeff isn't inconsiderate by nature", 2543.84, 2546.49, 1.0], ["and there might be a good reason behind the oversight.", 2547.2, 2549.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2550.225, "end": 2555.87, "text": "Now then that A, again, is more of a mindset accepting their perspective or accepting his perspective.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Now then that A, again, is more of a mindset", 2550.23, 2553.57, 1.0], ["accepting their perspective or accepting his perspective.", 2553.57, 2555.87, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2556.689, "end": 2560.632, "text": "When Jeff comes home, then Tina brings up the trash issue without accusing him.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["When Jeff comes home,", 2556.69, 2557.69, 1.0], ["then Tina brings up the trash issue without accusing him.", 2557.81, 2560.63, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2561.361, "end": 2564.89, "text": "And so she says, hey, I noticed that the trash isn't taken out.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so she says,", 2561.36, 2562.19, 1.0], ["hey, I noticed that the trash isn't taken out.", 2562.19, 2564.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2564.89, "end": 2566.492, "text": "Take me on your train of thought, tell me what's going on.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Take me on your train of thought, tell me what's going on.", 2564.89, 2566.49, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2567.303, "end": 2571.101, "text": "And then he starts to explain and she actively listens without interrupting", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And then he starts to explain", 2567.3, 2569.05, 1.0], ["and she actively listens without interrupting", 2569.05, 2571.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2571.21, "end": 2572.362, "text": "or without contradicting him.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or without contradicting him.", 2571.21, 2572.36, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2573.21, "end": 2578.96, "text": "And then she moves into the S, the seek first understand. So rather than suggesting a solution", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And then she moves into the S, the seek first understand.", 2573.21, 2576.41, 1.0], ["So rather than suggesting a solution", 2577.09, 2578.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2579.13, "end": 2583.89, "text": "or hurrying to move past the conversation, Tina stays with it and asks open-ended questions", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or hurrying to move past the conversation,", 2579.13, 2581.0, 1.0], ["Tina stays with it and asks open-ended questions", 2581.53, 2583.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2583.89, "end": 2585.928, "text": "to better understand why Jeff forgot the chore.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to better understand why Jeff forgot the chore.", 2583.89, 2585.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2586.61, "end": 2590.789, "text": "She finds out that Jeff had a particularly challenging day at work and he simply just forgot.", "confidence": 0.92, "timestamps": [["She finds out that Jeff had a particularly challenging day", 2586.61, 2589.13, 1.0], ["at work and he simply just forgot.", 2589.13, 2590.79, 0.8475939631462097]]}, {"start": 2591.726, "end": 2596.296, "text": "And then E, that embracing the conversation. So even though it's a tough conversation to have,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And then E, that embracing the conversation. So even though it's a tough conversation to have,", 2591.73, 2596.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2596.296, "end": 2599.954, "text": "Tina stays present, resisting the urge to retreat into her shell or play a victim.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Tina stays present, resisting the urge to retreat into her shell or play a victim.", 2596.3, 2599.95, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2600.809, "end": 2604.536, "text": "And she shows empathy for Jeff's tough day and expresses how the overflowing trash made her feel,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And she shows empathy for Jeff's tough day and expresses how the overflowing trash made her feel,", 2600.81, 2604.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2604.536, "end": 2609.256, "text": "where she was able to say, man, that sounds rough. And I appreciate that. That would be hard. And I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where she was able to say, man, that sounds rough. And I appreciate that. That would be hard. And I", 2604.54, 2609.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2609.256, "end": 2613.07, "text": "appreciate you being honest and taking ownership and just let me know you forgot because we're,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["appreciate you being honest and taking ownership and just let me know you forgot because we're,", 2609.26, 2613.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2613.673, "end": 2618.136, "text": "human. And I would be silly to think that I don't forget things. She said, it was just, I guess I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["human. And I would be silly to think that I don't forget things. She said, it was just, I guess I", 2613.67, 2618.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2618.136, "end": 2622.236, "text": "I was I was frustrated because I came home and I saw it and I just immediately made a judgment now,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I was I was frustrated because I came home and I saw it and I just immediately made a judgment now,", 2618.14, 2622.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2622.757, "end": 2626.916, "text": "Because they are getting better at this framework as they're the way that they communicate,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because they are getting better at this framework as they're the way that they communicate,", 2622.76, 2626.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2627.528, "end": 2632.353, "text": "Then he just he was so good about it. And he just said no, I totally get it. I and I'm sorry I really I,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Then he just he was so good about it. And he just said no, I totally get it. I and I'm sorry", 2627.53, 2631.58, 1.0], ["I really I,", 2631.58, 2632.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2633.016, "end": 2638.916, "text": "Should have said a reminder or a note and I loved it This is the part where I'm and I'm being honest about this the fights in essence", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Should have said a reminder or a note and I loved it", 2633.02, 2635.5, 1.0], ["This is the part where I'm and I'm being honest about this the fights in essence", 2635.5, 2638.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2638.916, "end": 2644.856, "text": "I'm air quote the word fight become about him saying no, I really I should have said a reminder", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I'm air quote the word fight become about him saying no, I really I should have said a reminder", 2638.92, 2644.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2644.856, "end": 2648.242, "text": "I should have known and that's my bad and she's saying no you had a rough day", "confidence": 0.99, "timestamps": [["I should have known and that's my bad and she's saying no you had a rough day", 2644.86, 2648.24, 0.9914799332618713]]}, {"start": 2648.416, "end": 2653.676, "text": "So I'm not expecting you to be perfect. And and these are real this isn't this isn't a made-up story", "confidence": 0.99, "timestamps": [["So I'm not expecting you to be perfect. And and these are real this isn't this isn't a made-up story", 2648.42, 2653.68, 0.9914799332618713]]}, {"start": 2653.676, "end": 2655.776, "text": "But that's a real story where then people start to,", "confidence": 0.99, "timestamps": [["But that's a real story where then people start to,", 2653.68, 2655.78, 0.9914799332618713]]}, {"start": 2656.425, "end": 2661.756, "text": "They're so good now at knowing that the other person was not trying to hurt them or there's a reason why that the other person", "confidence": 0.99, "timestamps": [["They're so good now at knowing that the other person was not trying to hurt them or there's a reason why that the other person", 2656.43, 2661.76, 0.9914799332618713]]}, {"start": 2661.756, "end": 2666.211, "text": "did what they did and now when I can go and look at what my partner's doing with curiosity and.", "confidence": 0.99, "timestamps": [["did what they did and now when I can go and look at what my partner's doing with curiosity and.", 2661.76, 2666.21, 0.9914799332618713]]}, {"start": 2667.282, "end": 2674.736, "text": "Then use that as an opportunity for me to to step outside of my ego and to realize that, man, what they just did is not about me.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Then use that as an opportunity for me to", 2667.28, 2669.22, 0.9914799332618713], ["to step outside of my ego and to realize that, man, what they just did is not about me.", 2669.22, 2674.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2675.465, "end": 2680.816, "text": "How I feel about it is probably a me issue. So, if I took great offense to that, then I want to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["How I feel about it is probably a me issue. So, if I took great offense to that, then I want to", 2675.47, 2680.82, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2680.816, "end": 2685.856, "text": "even be able to – when people get really good at the four pillars, then after she understands where", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["even be able to – when people get really good at the four pillars, then after she understands where", 2680.82, 2685.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2685.856, "end": 2690.256, "text": "Jeff's coming from, she can go deep and say, okay, check this out. Like, it is so crazy.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Jeff's coming from, she can go deep and say, okay, check this out. Like, it is so crazy.", 2685.86, 2690.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2690.256, "end": 2695.456, "text": "I go to this place of you, you must absolutely not like me. And I go there so fast when I see", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I go to this place of you, you must absolutely not like me. And I go there so fast when I see", 2690.26, 2695.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2695.456, "end": 2700.016, "text": "see that you don't do something that I thought we'd agreed upon. And so then, I mean, we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["see that you don't do something that I thought we'd agreed upon. And so then, I mean, we", 2695.46, 2700.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2700.016, "end": 2704.096, "text": "did, we dug into that a little bit in a session. We were actually almost at the end. And so", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["did, we dug into that a little bit in a session. We were actually almost at the end. And so", 2700.02, 2704.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2704.096, "end": 2707.936, "text": "they have the homework to go and have a connected conversation about where that comes from.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they have the homework to go and have a connected conversation about where that comes from.", 2704.1, 2707.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2707.936, "end": 2712.016, "text": "And he is eager to listen. And he said, I appreciate that. I want to hear you. I want", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And he is eager to listen. And he said, I appreciate that. I want to hear you. I want", 2707.94, 2712.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2712.016, "end": 2715.976, "text": "to understand you. And those are the things that can happen when people have the right", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to understand you. And those are the things that can happen when people have the right", 2712.02, 2715.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2715.976, "end": 2721.456, "text": "tools. Because then at that point, now you are no longer leaving a conversation thinking,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["tools. Because then at that point, now you are no longer leaving a conversation thinking,", 2715.98, 2721.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2721.998, "end": 2725.656, "text": "I can't believe he said that, or I should have said this, or that's the rudest thing", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I can't believe he said that, or I should have said this, or that's the rudest thing", 2722.0, 2725.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2725.656, "end": 2727.656, "text": "ever. I'm not going to bring anything up again.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["ever.", 2725.66, 2726.66, 1.0], ["I'm not going to bring anything up again.", 2726.66, 2727.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2728.065, "end": 2734.296, "text": "I don't feel safe. So when this can be the way we communicate, then it really does lead to this exponential growth.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I don't feel safe.", 2728.07, 2728.66, 1.0], ["So when this can be the way we communicate, then it really does lead to this exponential", 2728.66, 2732.86, 1.0], ["growth.", 2732.86, 2734.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2734.296, "end": 2738.616, "text": "And then that does lead to when people say that, okay, to be heard sounds amazing, but", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And then that does lead to when people say that, okay, to be heard sounds amazing, but", 2734.3, 2738.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2738.616, "end": 2742.136, "text": "there are situations where both people feel heard and they look over at me.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["there are situations where both people feel heard and they look over at me.", 2738.62, 2742.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2742.136, "end": 2746.673, "text": "I had one yesterday in a session, it was beautiful, where the couple just said, it doesn't feel good.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I had one yesterday in a session, it was beautiful, where the couple just said, it doesn't feel", 2742.14, 2746.08, 1.0], ["good.", 2746.26, 2746.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2747.256, "end": 2749.482, "text": "And I said, oh yeah, it won't at times.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I said, oh yeah, it won't at times.", 2747.26, 2749.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2750.229, "end": 2756.159, "text": "But if we look at it as, okay, what is resolution often at this point in a relationship, it's often", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But if we look at it as, okay, what is resolution often at this point in a relationship, it's often", 2750.23, 2756.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2756.159, "end": 2761.119, "text": "one person finally just saying, no, it's fine. It's not a big deal. It doesn't matter. It's okay.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["one person finally just saying, no, it's fine. It's not a big deal. It doesn't matter. It's okay.", 2756.16, 2761.12, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2761.932, "end": 2766.239, "text": "And they're low key playing victim there. It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal. I really", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And they're low key playing victim there. It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal. I really", 2761.93, 2766.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2766.239, "end": 2771.759, "text": "don't care, but they do. And what they're saying that my opinion doesn't matter almost as a way", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["don't care, but they do. And what they're saying that my opinion doesn't matter almost as a way", 2766.24, 2771.76, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2771.759, "end": 2776.719, "text": "to say, do you hear me? Do you see me? Does my opinion even matter? And so if the other person", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to say, do you hear me? Do you see me? Does my opinion even matter? And so if the other person", 2771.76, 2776.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2776.719, "end": 2781.519, "text": "says, no, I do want to whatever you think. And now we're both operating from this place of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["says, no, I do want to whatever you think. And now we're both operating from this place of", 2776.72, 2781.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2781.519, "end": 2787.839, "text": "insecurity or of fear and not from this place of with this growth mindset of knowing that we", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["insecurity or of fear and not from this place of with this growth mindset of knowing that we", 2781.52, 2787.84, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2787.839, "end": 2791.519, "text": "are going to learn more about each other as we start to communicate about things because of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["are going to learn more about each other as we start to communicate about things because of", 2787.84, 2791.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2791.519, "end": 2796.799, "text": "course we are, we're two different individuals. So, I wanted to lay that groundwork just with", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["course we are, we're two different individuals. So, I wanted to lay that groundwork just with", 2791.52, 2796.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2796.799, "end": 2801.199, "text": "a base. Let me go into a little bit more of the absolute, the actual pillars and then we'll kind", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a base. Let me go into a little bit more of the absolute, the actual pillars and then we'll kind", 2796.8, 2801.2, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2801.199, "end": 2805.039, "text": "of wrap it up there. And I would love your scenarios. I want to do more, I want to do a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of wrap it up there. And I would love your scenarios. I want to do more, I want to do a", 2801.2, 2805.04, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2805.039, "end": 2808.839, "text": "a few podcasts where send them in, send in the here's our situation, how would your", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a few podcasts where send them in, send in the here's our situation, how would your", 2805.04, 2808.84, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2808.839, "end": 2813.439, "text": "four pillars or how would the base model apply because I would love to give more examples", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["four pillars or how would the base model apply because I would love to give more examples", 2808.84, 2813.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2813.439, "end": 2815.216, "text": "of what this looks like in the real world.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of what this looks like in the real world.", 2813.44, 2815.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2815.399, "end": 2819.039, "text": "And of course I want you to take the course or take the workshop, those sort of things", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And of course I want you to take the course or take the workshop, those sort of things", 2815.4, 2819.04, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2819.039, "end": 2821.914, "text": "as well because I really do believe in this wholeheartedly.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["as well because I really do believe in this wholeheartedly.", 2819.04, 2821.91, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2823.079, "end": 2827.699, "text": "So in any successful relationship, if you cannot tell at this point, I believe good", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So in any successful relationship, if you cannot tell at this point, I believe good", 2823.08, 2827.7, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2827.699, "end": 2834.481, "text": "communication is essential. It's not just essential, it is absolutely imperative and it is a necessity.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["communication is essential.", 2827.7, 2830.0, 1.0], ["It's not just essential, it is absolutely imperative and it is a necessity.", 2830.0, 2834.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2834.999, "end": 2840.439, "text": "So using my four pillars of a connected conversation expressed through this BASE acronym, it needs", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So using my four pillars of a connected conversation expressed through this BASE acronym, it needs", 2835.0, 2840.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2840.439, "end": 2846.799, "text": "to be viewed as in essence a lifestyle, and not just an isolated event, on how to conduct", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to be viewed as in essence a lifestyle, and not just an isolated event, on how to conduct", 2840.44, 2846.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2846.799, "end": 2852.314, "text": "a conversation that leads to understanding and connection, and then this truly magnetic relationship.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a conversation that leads to understanding and connection, and then this truly magnetic", 2846.8, 2851.64, 1.0], ["relationship.", 2851.64, 2852.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2852.782, "end": 2856.518, "text": "And the reason I say that it needs to be a lifestyle is because if somebody is just picking", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And the reason I say that it needs to be a lifestyle is because if somebody is just picking", 2852.78, 2856.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2856.799, "end": 2860.569, "text": "and choosing when they're going to use any tool, then it becomes weaponized.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and choosing when they're going to use any tool, then it becomes weaponized.", 2856.8, 2860.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2861.219, "end": 2865.575, "text": "Because it's really easy to say to your partner, hey, you're not assuming good intentions.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because it's really easy to say to your partner, hey, you're not assuming good intentions.", 2861.22, 2865.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2865.879, "end": 2869.518, "text": "You are not giving me the benefit of the doubt or you're not four-pillaring.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["You are not giving me the benefit of the doubt or you're not four-pillaring.", 2865.88, 2869.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2870.119, "end": 2874.179, "text": "And one of, honestly, my favorite parts when Preston and I were doing the initial rounds", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And one of, honestly, my favorite parts when Preston and I were doing the initial rounds", 2870.12, 2874.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2874.179, "end": 2879.042, "text": "of the Magnetic Marriage Course, in that model, we had a weekly group coaching call.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of the Magnetic Marriage Course, in that model, we had a weekly group coaching call.", 2874.18, 2879.04, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2879.659, "end": 2883.459, "text": "And a few weeks in, people would start to get the concepts down pretty well.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And a few weeks in, people would start to get the concepts down pretty well.", 2879.66, 2883.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2883.459, "end": 2885.389, "text": "We would do some live coaching on the call.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We would do some live coaching on the call.", 2883.46, 2885.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2886.019, "end": 2892.464, "text": "And inevitably, somebody would say, okay, what do I do if my spouse is not using the four pillars.", "confidence": 0.83, "timestamps": [["And inevitably, somebody would say, okay, what do I do if my spouse is not using the", 2886.02, 2891.8, 0.9597219824790955], ["four pillars.", 2891.8, 2892.46, 0.7014400959014893]]}, {"start": 2893.176, "end": 2906.186, "text": "And then I would really I loved being able to say, well, if you are aware that they're not using the four pillars and they're not using the four pillars, then you need to give them the benefit of the doubt or or, you know, the assumption of good intentions.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And then I would really I loved being able to say, well, if you are aware that they're not using the four pillars and they're not using the four pillars, then you need to give them the benefit of the doubt or or, you know, the assumption of good intentions.", 2893.18, 2906.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2906.186, "end": 2909.106, "text": "There's a reason why they aren't using the four pillars.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["There's a reason why they aren't using the four pillars.", 2906.19, 2909.11, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2909.106, "end": 2918.786, "text": "And it may be as simple as they didn't think about it because this tool is new or they they feel like it wouldn't work right now because they don't have enough experience.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And it may be as simple as they didn't think about it because this tool is new or they they feel like it wouldn't work right now because they don't have enough experience.", 2909.11, 2918.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2918.913, "end": 2923.306, "text": "So, if you notice that your partner is not using the four pillars, then you are aware", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So, if you notice that your partner is not using the four pillars, then you are aware", 2918.91, 2923.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2923.306, "end": 2928.068, "text": "of it, so you get to slip into the four pillars and giving them a benefit of the doubt or,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of it, so you get to slip into the four pillars and giving them a benefit of the doubt or,", 2923.31, 2928.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2928.626, "end": 2933.506, "text": "assuming the good intentions or there's a reason why they are doing or saying or showing", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["assuming the good intentions or there's a reason why they are doing or saying or showing", 2928.63, 2933.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2933.506, "end": 2934.433, "text": "up the way that they are.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["up the way that they are.", 2933.51, 2934.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2935.186, "end": 2939.339, "text": "Because now you are in the framework and when both of you are committed to this framework,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because now you are in the framework and when both of you are committed to this framework,", 2935.19, 2939.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2939.826, "end": 2943.466, "text": "when one of you notices that the other person all of a sudden seems to be very engaged and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["when one of you notices that the other person all of a sudden seems to be very engaged and", 2939.83, 2943.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2943.466, "end": 2948.152, "text": "asking open-ended questions and saying, tell me more about that and validating your experience.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["asking open-ended questions and saying, tell me more about that and validating your experience.", 2943.47, 2948.15, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2949.152, "end": 2954.386, "text": "And I've been there with people where all of a sudden I've thought, okay, I see, man,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And I've been there with people where all of a sudden I've thought, okay, I see, man,", 2949.15, 2954.39, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2954.386, "end": 2955.417, "text": "I appreciate you doing that.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I appreciate you doing that.", 2954.39, 2955.42, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2955.471, "end": 2958.226, "text": "I really do because I'm feeling heard. I'm feeling understood.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I really do because I'm feeling heard.", 2955.47, 2957.23, 1.0], ["I'm feeling understood.", 2957.23, 2958.23, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2958.826, "end": 2962.349, "text": "So when it is a lifestyle, it is something that you just do.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So when it is a lifestyle, it is something that you just do.", 2958.83, 2962.35, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2962.626, "end": 2965.329, "text": "And over time, it becomes more of your default.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And over time, it becomes more of your default.", 2962.63, 2965.33, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2965.726, "end": 2969.066, "text": "And I think one of the things that I'm realizing, even as I'm saying this and not wanting it", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I think one of the things that I'm realizing, even as I'm saying this and not wanting it", 2965.73, 2969.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2969.066, "end": 2973.647, "text": "to sound like such a commercial, but there are various ways to implement this.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to sound like such a commercial, but there are various ways to implement this.", 2969.07, 2973.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2974.146, "end": 2978.846, "text": "If you are just the one who is taking the course, you buy the course or you listen to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["If you are just the one who is taking the course, you buy the course or you listen to", 2974.15, 2978.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2978.846, "end": 2983.446, "text": "the podcast and your spouse wants nothing of it because of my good friend's psychological", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the podcast and your spouse wants nothing of it because of my good friend's psychological", 2978.85, 2983.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2983.446, "end": 2986.376, "text": "reactance or that instant negative reaction of being told what to do.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["reactance or that instant negative reaction of being told what to do.", 2983.45, 2986.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2987.024, "end": 2990.606, "text": "So if you are telling your spouse you really need to listen to Tony and you need to take", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So if you are telling your spouse you really need to listen to Tony and you need to take", 2987.02, 2990.61, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2990.652, "end": 2994.568, "text": "the course, then their brain is saying I will not be listening to him and I will not be taking the course.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the course, then their brain is saying I will not be listening to him and I will not be", 2990.65, 2993.81, 1.0], ["taking the course.", 2993.81, 2994.57, 1.0]]}, {"start": 2995.126, "end": 2998.412, "text": "So if you're in that situation, it still can help you.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So if you're in that situation, it still can help you.", 2995.13, 2998.41, 0.9987825155258179]]}, {"start": 2998.889, "end": 3002.958, "text": "Understand how to better interact with people, because if they are expressing themselves then", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Understand how to better interact with people, because if they are expressing themselves then", 2998.89, 3002.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3003.327, "end": 3008.441, "text": "it is a little easier to then slip into the, I almost want to call it one person four pillar,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["it is a little easier to then slip into the, I almost want to call it one person four pillar,", 3003.33, 3008.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3008.864, "end": 3013.459, "text": "where I am assuming that this person is not trying to hurt me. I am giving him the benefit", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where I am assuming that this person is not trying to hurt me. I am giving him the benefit", 3008.86, 3013.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3013.459, "end": 3017.939, "text": "of the doubt. And this is one of those difficult, well, let me get into the BASE, the base and we'll", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of the doubt. And this is one of those difficult, well, let me get into the BASE, the base and we'll", 3013.46, 3017.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3017.939, "end": 3022.979, "text": "talk more about that. But my point just being there that by understanding that there is a", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["talk more about that. But my point just being there that by understanding that there is a", 3017.94, 3022.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3022.979, "end": 3027.299, "text": "framework and adopting the framework and using that framework, then it just becomes the way you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["framework and adopting the framework and using that framework, then it just becomes the way you", 3022.98, 3027.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3027.299, "end": 3030.956, "text": "you communicate and the air that you breathe and it becomes pretty easy and natural.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["you communicate and the air that you breathe and it becomes pretty easy and natural.", 3027.3, 3030.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3031.219, "end": 3035.219, "text": "And one of the things I think is so beneficial about the four pillars as well is you will", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And one of the things I think is so beneficial about the four pillars as well is you will", 3031.22, 3035.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3035.219, "end": 3039.539, "text": "not do it in the moment at first because it isn't second nature and it's still going", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["not do it in the moment at first because it isn't second nature and it's still going", 3035.22, 3039.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3039.539, "end": 3043.539, "text": "to feel awkward and it's going to you are going to be uncomfortable when you are sitting", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to feel awkward and it's going to you are going to be uncomfortable when you are sitting", 3039.54, 3043.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3043.539, "end": 3047.219, "text": "with that discomfort of just saying tell me more and not defending yourself because you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["with that discomfort of just saying tell me more and not defending yourself because you", 3043.54, 3047.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3047.219, "end": 3049.581, "text": "will feel like your ego is being attacked.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["will feel like your ego is being attacked.", 3047.22, 3049.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3049.819, "end": 3054.379, "text": "And that is some of the most difficult work of embracing that tension and knowing that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And that is some of the most difficult work of embracing that tension and knowing that", 3049.82, 3054.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3054.379, "end": 3057.579, "text": "that is actually where the growth occurs, that the growth occurs in tension,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that is actually where the growth occurs,", 3054.38, 3056.1, 1.0], ["that the growth occurs in tension,", 3056.1, 3057.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3057.579, "end": 3061.579, "text": "that it doesn't mean that things are gonna go to contention when you have the right tools.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that it doesn't mean that things are gonna go to contention", 3057.58, 3060.1, 1.0], ["when you have the right tools.", 3060.1, 3061.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3061.788, "end": 3068.779, "text": "And then when you both have committed to this framework, then you may not be fully present in a conversation,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And then when you both have committed to this framework,", 3061.79, 3064.48, 1.0], ["then you may not be fully present in a conversation,", 3064.94, 3068.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3068.779, "end": 3072.479, "text": "but you now have the tools to go back and apply the four pillars to a conversation", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["but you now have the tools to go back", 3068.78, 3070.18, 1.0], ["and apply the four pillars to a conversation", 3070.18, 3072.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3072.479, "end": 3077.419, "text": "that has happened and be able to make sense of it as much as it can be made sense of", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that has happened and be able to make sense of it", 3072.48, 3076.06, 1.0], ["as much as it can be made sense of", 3076.06, 3077.42, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3077.419, "end": 3081.019, "text": "and be able to work through things that continually come up and get past them", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and be able to work through things", 3077.42, 3079.14, 1.0], ["that continually come up and get past them", 3079.14, 3081.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3081.019, "end": 3082.548, "text": "so they don't continue to get brought up", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["so they don't continue to get brought up", 3081.02, 3082.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3082.699, "end": 3083.88, "text": "over and over again.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["over and over again.", 3082.7, 3083.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3084.579, "end": 3091.045, "text": "Let's talk about B, the B in BASE, benefit of the doubt. It's formerly known as assuming good intentions", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Let's talk about B, the B in BASE, benefit of the doubt.", 3084.58, 3088.04, 1.0], ["It's formerly known as assuming good intentions", 3088.44, 3091.05, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3091.379, "end": 3095.646, "text": "or there's a reason why somebody does the things they do or says the things they say.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or there's a reason why somebody does the things they do", 3091.38, 3094.3, 1.0], ["or says the things they say.", 3094.48, 3095.65, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3096.139, "end": 3100.93, "text": "And the reason that or is there is because that assuming good intentions can be a game changer in and of itself.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And the reason that or is there is because", 3096.14, 3098.02, 1.0], ["that assuming good intentions can be a game changer", 3098.02, 3100.22, 1.0], ["in and of itself.", 3100.22, 3100.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3101.139, "end": 3106.539, "text": "It truly can. I was listening to a YouTube channel a few days ago and it's a really clever one that just talks", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It truly can.", 3101.14, 3101.98, 1.0], ["I was listening to a YouTube channel a few days ago", 3101.98, 3104.78, 1.0], ["and it's a really clever one that just talks", 3104.78, 3106.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3106.539, "end": 3109.379, "text": "about different ways to show up in uncomfortable situations.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["about different ways to show up in uncomfortable situations.", 3106.54, 3109.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3109.379, "end": 3115.639, "text": "And I love that one of the things they were talking about to defend or interact with somebody that is being mean", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I love that one of the things they were talking about", 3109.38, 3111.22, 1.0], ["to defend or interact with somebody that is being mean", 3111.22, 3115.64, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3115.639, "end": 3117.062, "text": "and really putting you down.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and really putting you down.", 3115.64, 3117.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3117.422, "end": 3123.459, "text": "And one of the main concepts that they shared was this assuming of good intentions of sorts", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And one of the main concepts that they shared", 3117.42, 3119.78, 1.0], ["was this assuming of good intentions of sorts", 3120.18, 3123.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3123.459, "end": 3128.619, "text": "and giving people the benefit of the doubt because then it makes the whole situation less serious.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and giving people the benefit of the doubt", 3123.46, 3125.22, 1.0], ["because then it makes the whole situation less serious.", 3125.22, 3128.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3128.619, "end": 3133.752, "text": "So somebody, if somebody is saying even mean things to you and you just assume that they are not,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So somebody, if somebody is saying even mean things to you", 3128.62, 3130.84, 1.0], ["and you just assume that they are not,", 3131.22, 3133.75, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3133.859, "end": 3135.139, "text": "that is the way they're communicating.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that is the way they're communicating.", 3133.86, 3135.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3135.4, "end": 3139.219, "text": "They're not trying to hurt me, even if they are, it appears that that is the case", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["They're not trying to hurt me,", 3135.4, 3136.46, 1.0], ["even if they are, it appears that that is the case", 3136.46, 3139.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3139.219, "end": 3140.859, "text": "because that's where I say that there's a reason", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because that's where I say that there's a reason", 3139.22, 3140.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3140.859, "end": 3144.539, "text": "they're communicating the way that they do. It might be the case that they were never modeled", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they're communicating the way that they do. It might be the case that they were never modeled", 3140.86, 3144.54, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3144.539, "end": 3150.299, "text": "a healthy way to communicate in their childhood or by their parents, or they feel so uncomfortable", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["a healthy way to communicate in their childhood or by their parents, or they feel so uncomfortable", 3144.54, 3150.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3150.299, "end": 3154.219, "text": "that the only way they know to get rid of that discomfort is through anger, which is a very", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that the only way they know to get rid of that discomfort is through anger, which is a very", 3150.3, 3154.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3154.219, "end": 3159.499, "text": "emotionally immature way to show up. But it is going to give you some context on what to do in", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["emotionally immature way to show up. But it is going to give you some context on what to do in", 3154.22, 3159.5, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3159.499, "end": 3163.499, "text": "that situation. Now, if they are being incredibly verbally abusive, that doesn't mean you have to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that situation. Now, if they are being incredibly verbally abusive, that doesn't mean you have to", 3159.5, 3163.5, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3163.499, "end": 3168.299, "text": "sit there and take it. But it just means that you understand that there's a reason why it might be", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["sit there and take it. But it just means that you understand that there's a reason why it might be", 3163.5, 3168.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3168.299, "end": 3172.739, "text": "their emotional immaturity or narcissistic traits and tendencies, or the fact that that", "confidence": 0.93, "timestamps": [["their emotional immaturity or narcissistic traits and tendencies, or the fact that that", 3168.3, 3172.74, 0.9313142895698547]]}, {"start": 3172.739, "end": 3175.226, "text": "was the only way that they felt heard in their own childhood.", "confidence": 0.91, "timestamps": [["was the only way that they felt heard in their own childhood.", 3172.74, 3175.23, 0.907697319984436]]}, {"start": 3175.748, "end": 3179.878, "text": "So, that B, benefit of the doubt, always assume your partner has these good intentions or", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So, that B, benefit of the doubt, always assume your partner has these good intentions or", 3175.75, 3179.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3179.878, "end": 3182.198, "text": "there's a reason why they're doing what they do.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["there's a reason why they're doing what they do.", 3179.88, 3182.2, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3182.198, "end": 3185.838, "text": "I don't believe that people wake up in the morning and think, I cannot wait until I pull", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I don't believe that people wake up in the morning and think, I cannot wait until I pull", 3182.2, 3185.84, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3185.838, "end": 3189.269, "text": "the rug out from under my partner later on today, especially maybe if they are already.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the rug out from under my partner later on today, especially maybe if they are already.", 3185.84, 3189.27, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3189.878, "end": 3192.888, "text": "Feeling stressed about something or they come home from work or I'll just hit them with", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Feeling stressed about something or they come home from work or I'll just hit them with", 3189.88, 3192.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3192.998, "end": 3194.4, "text": "the old, you don't care about me card.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the old, you don't care about me card.", 3193.0, 3194.4, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3194.878, "end": 3198.518, "text": "That if somebody is doing that, there's a reason why, that they don't feel heard or", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["That if somebody is doing that, there's a reason why, that they don't feel heard or", 3194.88, 3198.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3198.518, "end": 3200.072, "text": "they don't feel understood or seen.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they don't feel understood or seen.", 3198.52, 3200.07, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3200.558, "end": 3207.598, "text": "So next up is A, acceptance or accept their perspective. Don't send a message of you're wrong or I don't believe you.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So next up is A, acceptance or accept their perspective.", 3200.56, 3204.56, 1.0], ["Don't send a message of you're wrong or I don't believe you.", 3204.56, 3207.6, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3208.118, "end": 3211.798, "text": "So avoid contradicting your partner's statements or feelings, saying things like that doesn't", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So avoid contradicting your partner's statements or feelings, saying things like that doesn't", 3208.12, 3211.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3211.798, "end": 3216.158, "text": "make sense or I didn't say that, because that can convey this disbelief or disapproval", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["make sense or I didn't say that, because that can convey this disbelief or disapproval", 3211.8, 3216.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3216.158, "end": 3217.429, "text": "even when it's not intended.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["even when it's not intended.", 3216.16, 3217.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3218.038, "end": 3221.358, "text": "And remember that acceptance does not always mean agreement.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And remember that acceptance does not always mean agreement.", 3218.04, 3221.36, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3221.358, "end": 3225.118, "text": "It's about acknowledging your partner's feelings are valid and giving them the space", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["It's about acknowledging your partner's feelings are valid and giving them the space", 3221.36, 3225.12, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3225.118, "end": 3226.958, "text": "to express themselves.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to express themselves.", 3225.12, 3226.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3226.958, "end": 3233.238, "text": "And I will go into so much more detail on this within the course, that this becomes", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I will go into so much more detail on this within the course, that this becomes", 3226.96, 3233.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3233.238, "end": 3237.378, "text": "incredibly important if we are to get to accountability or taking ownership.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["incredibly important if we are to get to accountability or taking ownership.", 3233.24, 3237.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3237.958, "end": 3242.158, "text": "Because this is where I want to introduce that these four pillars are here to keep the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because this is where I want to introduce that these four pillars are here to keep the", 3237.96, 3242.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3242.158, "end": 3244.894, "text": "conversation from going out into the proverbial weeds.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["conversation from going out into the proverbial weeds.", 3242.16, 3244.89, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3245.75, "end": 3250.238, "text": "That if somebody does not want to deal with something or take ownership or acknowledge", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["That if somebody does not want to deal with something or take ownership or acknowledge", 3245.75, 3250.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3250.238, "end": 3256.478, "text": "their part in an unhealthy part of the relationship, then they are going to try and get you off", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["their part in an unhealthy part of the relationship, then they are going to try and get you off", 3250.24, 3256.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3256.478, "end": 3259.918, "text": "course to get you out into the weeds. I never said that or that doesn't even", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["course to get you out into the weeds. I never said that or that doesn't even", 3256.48, 3259.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3259.918, "end": 3262.958, "text": "make sense to me or I can't even believe you said that because now we're gonna", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["make sense to me or I can't even believe you said that because now we're gonna", 3259.92, 3262.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3262.958, "end": 3269.398, "text": "start having to defend ourselves and we're gonna go out into the weeds and that person may never have to actually deal with the thing that they said or", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["start having to defend ourselves and we're gonna go out into the weeds and", 3262.96, 3265.96, 1.0], ["that person may never have to actually deal with the thing that they said or", 3265.96, 3269.4, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3269.398, "end": 3271.318, "text": "the way that they're showing up or the way that they're presenting themselves.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the way that they're showing up or the way that they're presenting themselves.", 3269.4, 3271.32, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3271.318, "end": 3276.598, "text": "So by maintaining a framework you can get to the concepts of accountability,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So by maintaining a framework you can get to the concepts of accountability,", 3271.32, 3276.6, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3277.042, "end": 3280.878, "text": "and so often it's almost like we feel like if I then don't tell this person", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and so often it's almost like we feel like if I then don't tell this person", 3277.04, 3280.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3280.878, "end": 3284.438, "text": "that I don't believe them then they've gotten away with something. But we are", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that I don't believe them then they've gotten away with something. But we are", 3280.88, 3284.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3284.438, "end": 3290.758, "text": "playing the long game here. And if the goal is to be heard, and if my partner, if that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["playing the long game here. And if the goal is to be heard, and if my partner, if that", 3284.44, 3290.76, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3290.758, "end": 3295.318, "text": "is truly what they believe, then that will help me understand more of where they're", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["is truly what they believe, then that will help me understand more of where they're", 3290.76, 3295.32, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3295.318, "end": 3299.318, "text": "coming from, even if I don't think that that is what happened. You know, that kind", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["coming from, even if I don't think that that is what happened. You know, that kind", 3295.32, 3299.32, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3299.318, "end": 3303.478, "text": "of an example. So if they said that, hey, you told me that you were going to be home", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of an example. So if they said that, hey, you told me that you were going to be home", 3299.32, 3303.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3303.478, "end": 3308.438, "text": "at four o'clock, then if I'm really confident that I would never have said that because", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["at four o'clock, then if I'm really confident that I would never have said that because", 3303.48, 3308.44, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3308.438, "end": 3312.141, "text": "there is no part of me that thought I would be home even remotely close to four o'clock,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["there is no part of me that thought I would be home even remotely close to four o'clock,", 3308.44, 3312.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3312.519, "end": 3325.198, "text": "But I have to meet them where they're at. I have to accept the fact that they are telling me that they heard four o'clock because then what I can do is say, okay, I'm giving them this benefit of the doubt. They're not trying to hurt me. That one maybe seems a little bit easier to wrap my head around.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But I have to meet them where they're at. I have to accept the fact that they are telling me that they heard four o'clock because then what I can do is say, okay, I'm giving them this benefit of the doubt. They're not trying to hurt me. That one maybe seems a little bit easier to wrap my head around.", 3312.52, 3325.2, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3325.735, "end": 3340.192, "text": "But then I didn't say four o'clock. As a matter of fact, I wasn't I knew I wouldn't be home at four o'clock, but I that's a me thing on my inside voice. And so if I say, okay, I can understand more why you would be frustrated if you thought that I said I would be home at four o'clock. I appreciate that.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But then I didn't say four o'clock. As a matter of fact, I wasn't I knew I wouldn't be home at four o'clock, but I that's a me thing on my inside voice. And so if I say, okay, I can understand more why you would be frustrated if you thought that I said I would be home at four o'clock. I appreciate that.", 3325.73, 3340.19, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3340.769, "end": 3344.299, "text": "Because then when you are now the speaker and they are the listener, now you're going to say,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because then when you are now the speaker and they are the listener, now you're going to say,", 3340.77, 3344.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3340.769, "end": 3342.198, "text": "You.", "confidence": 0.61, "timestamps": [["You.", 3340.77, 3342.2, 0.6058652400970459]]}, {"start": 3344.299, "end": 3348.871, "text": "Stay in your own I feel and I worry and I hope statements of I can appreciate that.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Stay in your own I feel and I worry and I hope statements of I can appreciate that.", 3344.3, 3348.87, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3349.105, "end": 3354.425, "text": "You know, I believe that I said eight o'clock because if I can take you on my train of thought,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["You know, I believe that I said eight o'clock because if I can take you on my train of thought,", 3349.1, 3354.43, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3354.695, "end": 3358.859, "text": "I knew I had a meeting at five o'clock. And so there wasn't a part of me that thought there", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I knew I had a meeting at five o'clock. And so there wasn't a part of me that thought there", 3354.7, 3358.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3358.859, "end": 3363.454, "text": "was a chance I would be home at four. But again, if you heard four o'clock, I could have. I could", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["was a chance I would be home at four. But again, if you heard four o'clock, I could have. I could", 3358.86, 3363.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3363.579, "end": 3367.099, "text": "have very well said that and not even been aware of it. But that can make more sense.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["have very well said that and not even been aware of it. But that can make more sense.", 3363.58, 3367.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3367.099, "end": 3371.739, "text": "But I'm just telling you that I was very confident that it would be later. So this is one of those", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But I'm just telling you that I was very confident that it would be later. So this is one of those", 3367.1, 3371.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3371.739, "end": 3376.219, "text": "where we both feel heard. There isn't necessarily a resolution, but when you can get into a pattern", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where we both feel heard. There isn't necessarily a resolution, but when you can get into a pattern", 3371.74, 3376.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3376.219, "end": 3380.459, "text": "of being heard and understood, that's where if somebody says four and I said I had a meeting at", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of being heard and understood, that's where if somebody says four and I said I had a meeting at", 3376.22, 3380.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3380.459, "end": 3384.139, "text": "five, and that might have even triggered the person to say, oh man, I remember you talking", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["five, and that might have even triggered the person to say, oh man, I remember you talking", 3380.46, 3384.14, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3384.139, "end": 3388.779, "text": "about the meeting. So maybe, okay, maybe I didn't hear four. Maybe that was, oh, as a matter of fact,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["about the meeting. So maybe, okay, maybe I didn't hear four. Maybe that was, oh, as a matter of fact,", 3384.14, 3388.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3388.779, "end": 3393.339, "text": "okay, one of the kids needs to be picked up at four. And so I just put those together. And that's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["okay, one of the kids needs to be picked up at four. And so I just put those together. And that's", 3388.78, 3393.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3393.339, "end": 3398.379, "text": "where you can start to get to more of these connected conversations because you're not", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where you can start to get to more of these connected conversations because you're not", 3393.34, 3398.38, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3398.379, "end": 3403.019, "text": "telling somebody that's ridiculous. And one of the most fascinating ways that we break this pillar two", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["telling somebody that's ridiculous. And one of the most fascinating ways that we break this pillar two", 3398.38, 3403.02, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3403.019, "end": 3408.219, "text": "of A, or accepting their perspective, is I'd like to give the example of somebody being asked to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of A, or accepting their perspective, is I'd like to give the example of somebody being asked to", 3403.02, 3408.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3408.219, "end": 3414.668, "text": "maybe speak in church or to a group or a club, and they go home and they say to their spouse.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["maybe speak in church or to a group or a club, and they go home and they say to their spouse.", 3408.22, 3414.67, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3415.091, "end": 3419.979, "text": "I can't do it. I just don't think I can pull this off. And then if their spouse says, hey,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["I can't do it. I just don't think I can pull this off. And then if their spouse says, hey,", 3415.09, 3419.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3419.979, "end": 3424.059, "text": "You can do it. You can do hard things. I have faith in you. You're in essence saying,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["You can do it. You can do hard things. I have faith in you. You're in essence saying,", 3419.98, 3424.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3424.184, "end": 3430.219, "text": "hey, you're wrong. I think that you can do it. But when we can say, hey, man, that sounds hard.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["hey, you're wrong. I think that you can do it. But when we can say, hey, man, that sounds hard.", 3424.18, 3430.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3430.219, "end": 3433.447, "text": "Tell me more. Tell me. Take me on your train of thought. Tell me why you don't feel like you can,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Tell me more. Tell me. Take me on your train of thought. Tell me why you don't feel like you can,", 3430.22, 3433.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3433.834, "end": 3437.966, "text": "because now we might find out even something like, oh, I'm not going to be in town or well,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because now we might find out even something like, oh, I'm not going to be in town or well,", 3433.83, 3437.97, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3438.379, "end": 3443.339, "text": "they want me to speak about something that I just don't really agree with, because now we can start", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they want me to speak about something that I just don't really agree with, because now we can start", 3438.38, 3443.34, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3443.339, "end": 3448.699, "text": "to have a connected conversation. Man, that sounds hard. I feel like if it's something that that you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["to have a connected conversation. Man, that sounds hard. I feel like if it's something that that you", 3443.34, 3448.7, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3448.699, "end": 3452.739, "text": "you don't agree with that that would, you know, that that becomes this socially", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["you don't agree with that that would, you know, that that becomes this socially", 3448.7, 3452.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3452.739, "end": 3457.099, "text": "compliant goal or it's something I think I'm supposed to do or for some reason I'll", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["compliant goal or it's something I think I'm supposed to do or for some reason I'll", 3452.74, 3457.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3457.099, "end": 3460.659, "text": "be in trouble. And and so my motivation for that is going to be weakened and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["be in trouble. And and so my motivation for that is going to be weakened and", 3457.1, 3460.66, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3460.659, "end": 3464.579, "text": "affected because it goes against the whole process of my own becoming or", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["affected because it goes against the whole process of my own becoming or", 3460.66, 3464.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3464.579, "end": 3468.099, "text": "unfolding. Then I wonder what that would look like if you simply said to them you", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["unfolding. Then I wonder what that would look like if you simply said to them you", 3464.58, 3468.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3468.099, "end": 3472.859, "text": "you aren't able to speak. This is where the again, having this framework to rely", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["you aren't able to speak. This is where the again, having this framework to rely", 3468.1, 3472.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3472.859, "end": 3477.699, "text": "on becomes so powerful. That's the A, acceptance. Avoid that contradicting your", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["on becomes so powerful. That's the A, acceptance. Avoid that contradicting your", 3472.86, 3477.7, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3477.699, "end": 3482.059, "text": "statements. Give them a space to express themselves, which then leads to pillar.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["statements. Give them a space to express themselves, which then leads to pillar.", 3477.7, 3482.06, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3482.659, "end": 3486.899, "text": "Three. This one was formerly known as questions before comments and now we're", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Three. This one was formerly known as questions before comments and now we're", 3482.66, 3486.9, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3486.899, "end": 3490.619, "text": "going to just embrace it as seek understanding. Seek to understand before", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["going to just embrace it as seek understanding. Seek to understand before", 3486.9, 3490.62, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3490.619, "end": 3493.979, "text": "being understood. Thank You Stephen Covey. And asking questions again though", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["being understood. Thank You Stephen Covey. And asking questions again though", 3490.62, 3493.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3493.979, "end": 3497.979, "text": "before making comments. What Covey said was seek first to understand then to be", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["before making comments. What Covey said was seek first to understand then to be", 3493.98, 3497.98, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3497.979, "end": 3501.179, "text": "understood. Try to learn more about your partner and their feelings and their", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["understood. Try to learn more about your partner and their feelings and their", 3497.98, 3501.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3501.179, "end": 3505.459, "text": "thought processes before you you think about voicing your own thoughts. And this", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["thought processes before you you think about voicing your own thoughts. And this", 3501.18, 3505.46, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3505.459, "end": 3510.599, "text": "stage may feel counterintuitive because our natural inclination is to fix, or resolve,", "confidence": 0.87, "timestamps": [["stage may feel counterintuitive because our natural inclination is to fix, or resolve,", 3505.46, 3510.6, 0.8660820722579956]]}, {"start": 3510.599, "end": 3512.599, "text": "or defend.", "confidence": 0.62, "timestamps": [["or defend.", 3510.6, 3512.6, 0.6248422265052795]]}, {"start": 3511.793, "end": 3515.853, "text": "But this part is about creating a safe place where both partners can feel heard.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But this part is about creating a safe place where both partners can feel heard.", 3511.79, 3515.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3516.214, "end": 3519.723, "text": "And what is so difficult about, and this is where I say we don't have the tools,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And what is so difficult about, and this is where I say we don't have the tools,", 3516.21, 3519.72, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3519.723, "end": 3524.694, "text": "we don't have this framework naturally, because it is in our nature to defend our ego.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["we don't have this framework naturally, because it is in our nature to defend our ego.", 3519.72, 3524.69, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3524.982, "end": 3529.87, "text": "So if somebody said, you said this, then I want to respond and say, I did not say that.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So if somebody said, you said this, then I want to respond and say, I did not say that.", 3524.98, 3529.87, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3530.077, "end": 3535.003, "text": "Well, you say things as well, instead of saying, man, I hear you and tell me more and tell me what", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Well, you say things as well, instead of saying, man, I hear you and tell me more and tell me what", 3530.08, 3535.0, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3535.003, "end": 3539.963, "text": "you hear. Because this is, if you listen to some of the podcasts, this is where I, in the course,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["you hear. Because this is, if you listen to some of the podcasts, this is where I, in the course,", 3535.0, 3539.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3539.963, "end": 3545.243, "text": "I talk about the concepts of memory, the concepts of confabulated memory, where we really, our", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I talk about the concepts of memory, the concepts of confabulated memory, where we really, our", 3539.96, 3545.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3545.243, "end": 3549.963, "text": "memory is a pretty interesting thing, and it is fallible, and that even the mechanism", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["memory is a pretty interesting thing, and it is fallible, and that even the mechanism", 3545.24, 3549.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3549.963, "end": 3554.483, "text": "of memory itself causes the memory. I remember last night I was doing some billing when I", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of memory itself causes the memory. I remember last night I was doing some billing when I", 3549.96, 3554.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3554.483, "end": 3558.363, "text": "got home, and I couldn't remember a couple of the people that I had seen earlier in the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["got home, and I couldn't remember a couple of the people that I had seen earlier in the", 3554.48, 3558.36, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3558.363, "end": 3561.963, "text": "day when I was trying to work through my schedule. No offense to those people. Once I saw the", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["day when I was trying to work through my schedule. No offense to those people. Once I saw the", 3558.36, 3561.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3561.963, "end": 3565.803, "text": "schedule, then I said, of course I remember those sessions. But it's so interesting that", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["schedule, then I said, of course I remember those sessions. But it's so interesting that", 3561.96, 3565.8, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3565.803, "end": 3570.308, "text": "We can claim to remember something that happened a few years ago with just precise detail.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["We can claim to remember something that happened a few years ago with just precise detail.", 3565.8, 3570.31, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3570.723, "end": 3575.283, "text": "But then there are so many things about earlier in the day today or yesterday that we can't", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["But then there are so many things about earlier in the day today or yesterday that we can't", 3570.72, 3575.28, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3575.283, "end": 3578.086, "text": "quite pull into the forefront of our memory.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["quite pull into the forefront of our memory.", 3575.28, 3578.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3579.013, "end": 3583.923, "text": "So that seek first to understand is going to become a big part of where after I'm not", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["So that seek first to understand is going to become a big part of where after I'm not", 3579.01, 3583.92, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3583.923, "end": 3588.163, "text": "telling somebody that they're wrong, I'm giving them that benefit of the doubt and they are", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["telling somebody that they're wrong, I'm giving them that benefit of the doubt and they are", 3583.92, 3588.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3588.163, "end": 3592.203, "text": "of course, they are allowed to have their own thoughts and feelings and perspectives", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["of course, they are allowed to have their own thoughts and feelings and perspectives", 3588.16, 3592.2, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3592.203, "end": 3595.883, "text": "because they are completely different human being. And then that pillar three is where", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because they are completely different human being. And then that pillar three is where", 3592.2, 3595.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3595.883, "end": 3599.701, "text": "I'm going to sit with a lot of discomfort and that becomes an incredible opportunity", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I'm going to sit with a lot of discomfort and that becomes an incredible opportunity", 3595.88, 3599.7, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3600.043, "end": 3605.083, "text": "for growth and to provide safety in the relationship. Because if we're attacking this thing together", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["for growth and to provide safety in the relationship. Because if we're attacking this thing together", 3600.04, 3605.08, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3605.083, "end": 3609.522, "text": "and we're using this framework, I know I'm going to be heard. But first, I want to hear", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["and we're using this framework, I know I'm going to be heard. But first, I want to hear", 3605.08, 3609.52, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3609.723, "end": 3614.883, "text": "the other person. And I give a very, I want to say it's a tough example of where this", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["the other person. And I give a very, I want to say it's a tough example of where this", 3609.72, 3614.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3614.883, "end": 3618.243, "text": "has happened, but it was a very real example in the first round of the marriage course", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["has happened, but it was a very real example in the first round of the marriage course", 3614.88, 3618.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3618.243, "end": 3623.003, "text": "where I talked about having someone who had expressed that we had worked on some couple's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["where I talked about having someone who had expressed that we had worked on some couple's", 3618.24, 3623.0, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3623.003, "end": 3627.483, "text": "issues together, we were starting to embrace the four pillars, and they shared a situation", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["issues together, we were starting to embrace the four pillars, and they shared a situation", 3623.0, 3627.48, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3627.483, "end": 3631.963, "text": "that did not go well, where the husband came home and the house was kind of a wreck, and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that did not go well, where the husband came home and the house was kind of a wreck, and", 3627.48, 3631.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3631.963, "end": 3636.243, "text": "they had had an agreement on what was going to be done while he was gone that day, and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["they had had an agreement on what was going to be done while he was gone that day, and", 3631.96, 3636.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3636.243, "end": 3640.763, "text": "she was on her phone, and then he immediately said, really? On your phone? How long have", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["she was on her phone, and then he immediately said, really? On your phone? How long have", 3636.24, 3640.76, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3640.763, "end": 3643.643, "text": "you been on your phone? Have you been playing games? What have you been doing? And she had", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["you been on your phone? Have you been playing games? What have you been doing? And she had", 3640.76, 3643.64, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3643.643, "end": 3648.088, "text": "unfortunately had someone close to her pass away and she was looking through pictures to", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["unfortunately had someone close to her pass away and she was looking through pictures to", 3643.64, 3648.09, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3648.439, "end": 3653.883, "text": "send for some sort of memorial or slideshow. So, man, he wished nothing more than at that point", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["send for some sort of memorial or slideshow. So, man, he wished nothing more than at that point", 3648.44, 3653.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3653.883, "end": 3658.763, "text": "that he had embraced the four pillars sooner, that if he would have assumed those good intentions,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["that he had embraced the four pillars sooner, that if he would have assumed those good intentions,", 3653.88, 3658.76, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3658.763, "end": 3663.473, "text": "or there was a reason why she was doing what she was doing, giving her the benefit of the doubt.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["or there was a reason why she was doing what she was doing, giving her the benefit of the doubt.", 3658.76, 3663.47, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3663.941, "end": 3667.643, "text": "And then not sending the message of, you're wrong, whatever you're doing is wrong,", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And then not sending the message of, you're wrong, whatever you're doing is wrong,", 3663.94, 3667.64, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3667.643, "end": 3671.692, "text": "whether it's through body language, size, whatever it is, or even by saying,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["whether it's through body language, size, whatever it is, or even by saying,", 3667.64, 3671.69, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3671.883, "end": 3675.403, "text": "what on earth are you doing? And then seeking that understanding. Hey, tell me about your day.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["what on earth are you doing? And then seeking that understanding. Hey, tell me about your day.", 3671.88, 3675.4, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3675.403, "end": 3678.603, "text": "Tell me what's going on. Because then he would have heard that and he would have immediately", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Tell me what's going on. Because then he would have heard that and he would have immediately", 3675.4, 3678.6, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3678.603, "end": 3679.776, "text": "been able to empathize.", "confidence": 0.87, "timestamps": [["been able to empathize.", 3678.6, 3679.78, 0.8687954545021057]]}, {"start": 3680.298, "end": 3684.148, "text": "And then that final pillar, the E, the fourth pillar where I would say it's", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And then that final pillar, the E, the fourth pillar where I would say it's", 3680.3, 3684.15, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3684.148, "end": 3688.548, "text": "stay present, lean in, but now in the acronym base, it's E, embrace the tension.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["stay present, lean in, but now in the acronym base, it's E, embrace the tension.", 3684.15, 3688.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3688.548, "end": 3691.785, "text": "Stay present, lean in, do not go into victim mode.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Stay present, lean in, do not go into victim mode.", 3688.55, 3691.78, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3692.199, "end": 3695.508, "text": "When conversations get uncomfortable, it's important to lean into the discomfort.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["When conversations get uncomfortable, it's important to lean into the discomfort.", 3692.2, 3695.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3695.508, "end": 3698.852, "text": "That is where the growth occurs. Don't retreat or go into victim mode.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["That is where the growth occurs.", 3695.51, 3696.86, 1.0], ["Don't retreat or go into victim mode.", 3697.18, 3698.85, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3699.194, "end": 3702.795, "text": "Pressure in conversations will lead to growth. So stay present and calm.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Pressure in conversations will lead to growth.", 3699.19, 3701.35, 1.0], ["So stay present and calm.", 3701.35, 3702.79, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3703.002, "end": 3705.739, "text": "And just, if you have to, ground yourself, square up those shoulders.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And just, if you have to, ground yourself, square up those shoulders.", 3703.0, 3705.74, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3706.144, "end": 3708.548, "text": "In through the nose, out through the mouth, lower the heart rate.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["In through the nose, out through the mouth, lower the heart rate.", 3706.14, 3708.55, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3708.548, "end": 3716.748, "text": "Get that fight or flight chemical receding. Allow access to your prefrontal cortex. You can make rational decisions and you can stay present.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Get that fight or flight chemical receding. Allow access to your prefrontal cortex. You can make rational decisions and you can stay present.", 3708.55, 3716.75, 0.9989653825759888]]}, {"start": 3716.748, "end": 3722.996, "text": "And the more you do that, and this is why having a framework is so powerful and so beneficial and so necessary.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And the more you do that, and this is why having a framework is so powerful and so beneficial and so necessary.", 3716.75, 3723.0, 0.9989653825759888]]}, {"start": 3723.302, "end": 3727.548, "text": "Whether it's my framework or another framework, I would love for you to have something to operate.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Whether it's my framework or another framework, I would love for you to have something to operate.", 3723.3, 3727.55, 0.9989653825759888]]}, {"start": 3727.548, "end": 3733.448, "text": "You know, a home base, ironically, to operate from. So in that scenario then, you are staying present.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["You know, a home base, ironically, to operate from. So in that scenario then, you are staying present.", 3727.55, 3733.45, 0.9989653825759888]]}, {"start": 3733.448, "end": 3742.448, "text": "The reason I talk about not going into victim mode is if I'm going to go just completely gender stereotyped, I like to say that men have a very difficult time with Pillar 4.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["The reason I talk about not going into victim mode is if I'm going to go just completely gender stereotyped, I like to say that men have a very difficult time with Pillar 4.", 3733.45, 3742.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3742.801, "end": 3749.448, "text": "They may eventually be able to really lean in and embrace the, I'm going to assume good intentions, I'm going to give my partner the benefit of the doubt.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["They may eventually be able to really lean in and embrace the, I'm going to assume good intentions, I'm going to give my partner the benefit of the doubt.", 3742.8, 3749.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3749.448, "end": 3758.448, "text": "I'm going to accept that they have their perspective and not tell them that they're wrong, even if I think they are, and I'm going to switch over to, I want to seek understanding.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["I'm going to accept that they have their perspective and not tell them that they're wrong, even if I think they are, and I'm going to switch over to, I want to seek understanding.", 3749.45, 3758.45, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3758.448, "end": 3765.874, "text": "Seek first to understand, I'm going to ask questions, I'm going to sit with that discomfort and grow, and not have to defend my fragile ego.", "confidence": 0.94, "timestamps": [["Seek first to understand, I'm going to ask questions, I'm going to sit with that discomfort and grow, and not have to defend my fragile ego.", 3758.45, 3765.87, 0.9403103590011597]]}, {"start": 3766.216, "end": 3770.789, "text": "And then, finally, at that point, that's where I will often hear a guy say.", "confidence": 0.95, "timestamps": [["And then, finally, at that point, that's where I will often hear a guy say.", 3766.22, 3770.79, 0.951342761516571]]}, {"start": 3771.527, "end": 3774.877, "text": "Okay, but I guess I'm just a big old walking paycheck, so never mind me.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["Okay, but I guess I'm just a big old walking paycheck, so never mind me.", 3771.53, 3774.88, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3774.877, "end": 3777.163, "text": "Just give me my marching orders and I'll do whatever you need me to do.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Just give me my marching orders and I'll do whatever you need me to do.", 3774.88, 3777.16, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3777.604, "end": 3782.006, "text": "Because in that moment, when we go into victim mode, and again, it can be the guy or the girl, it really can, whoever.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Because in that moment, when we go into victim mode, and again, it can be the guy or the girl, it really can, whoever.", 3777.6, 3782.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3782.177, "end": 3784.577, "text": "But then when you go into victim mode, it's our way of saying,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But then when you go into victim mode, it's our way of saying,", 3782.18, 3784.58, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3784.577, "end": 3788.406, "text": "Hey, I don't feel very good with this. Can you come rescue me? Tell me I'm okay.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Hey, I don't feel very good with this. Can you come rescue me? Tell me I'm okay.", 3784.58, 3788.41, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3788.973, "end": 3794.285, "text": "And so then that just disrupts the polarity in the relationship, which is something that I talk a lot about in the course.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And so then that just disrupts the polarity in the relationship, which is something that I talk a lot about in the course.", 3788.97, 3794.28, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3794.744, "end": 3798.507, "text": "So there is your base. There is your pre-pillar of being grounded.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So there is your base. There is your pre-pillar of being grounded.", 3794.74, 3798.51, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3798.867, "end": 3811.011, "text": "And I am so confident in this method, these modules, this course, this is field-tested, I think, with over 1,500 couples at this point, over the 15 to 16, 17 year career as a couples therapist.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I am so confident in this method, these modules, this course, this is field-tested, I think, with over 1,500 couples at this point, over the 15 to 16, 17 year career as a couples therapist.", 3798.87, 3811.01, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3811.443, "end": 3821.958, "text": "And I just want desperately for people to have the tools. That's why this is a podcast that is out there for free. Yes, I have a marriage workshop, it's $19, it goes over base, probably in a little more detail than this.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And I just want desperately for people to have the tools. That's why this is a podcast that is out there for free. Yes, I have a marriage workshop, it's $19, it goes over base, probably in a little more detail than this.", 3811.44, 3821.96, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3822.264, "end": 3828.304, "text": "And then I have a marriage course. And the marriage course, the links are going to be in the show notes in my link tree.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And then I have a marriage course. And the marriage course, the links are going to be in the show notes in my link tree.", 3822.26, 3828.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3828.61, "end": 3833.857, "text": "But it is a standalone course. It's an evergreen course. And it is a course that has a lot of modules.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["But it is a standalone course. It's an evergreen course. And it is a course that has a lot of modules.", 3828.61, 3833.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3833.857, "end": 3838.177, "text": "And the modules aren't just base. There's also a lot of things around just so much more.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["And the modules aren't just base. There's also a lot of things around just so much more.", 3833.86, 3838.18, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3838.177, "end": 3841.857, "text": "Taking ownership and accountability of accepting other people's perspectives and differences.", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["Taking ownership and accountability of accepting other people's perspectives and differences.", 3838.18, 3841.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3842.438, "end": 3846.237, "text": "And just there's so much there. Yes, I guess at this point I am doing a commercial for it.", "confidence": 1.0, "newpara": true, "timestamps": [["And just there's so much there. Yes, I guess at this point I am doing a commercial for it.", 3842.44, 3846.24, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3846.498, "end": 3851.297, "text": "So I highly recommend it. And if you have scenarios that you would love to hear me run through", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["So I highly recommend it. And if you have scenarios that you would love to hear me run through", 3846.5, 3851.3, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3851.297, "end": 3856.097, "text": "on a future episode, please by all means lay them out. I would love to get your scenarios and give", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["on a future episode, please by all means lay them out. I would love to get your scenarios and give", 3851.3, 3856.1, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3856.097, "end": 3860.257, "text": "me as much detail as you want to. And I do want to run things through this four-pillared framework", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["me as much detail as you want to. And I do want to run things through this four-pillared framework", 3856.1, 3860.26, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3860.257, "end": 3864.926, "text": "because I think that it will, it will say simply change the world. Let's aim high. Why not? So,", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["because I think that it will, it will say simply change the world. Let's aim high. Why not? So,", 3860.26, 3864.93, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3865.457, "end": 3869.937, "text": "thank you so much for taking the time to hang out with me this long and learn more about the four", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["thank you so much for taking the time to hang out with me this long and learn more about the four", 3865.46, 3869.94, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3869.937, "end": 3874.216, "text": "pillars using this BASE acronym. And I look forward to your comments, your questions, and", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["pillars using this BASE acronym. And I look forward to your comments, your questions, and", 3869.94, 3874.22, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3874.577, "end": 3879.857, "text": "taking us out, per usual, the wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with her song It's", "confidence": 1.0, "timestamps": [["taking us out, per usual, the wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with her song It's", 3874.58, 3879.86, 1.0]]}, {"start": 3879.857, "end": 3882.857, "text": "It's wonderful because truly it can be whatever it is.", "confidence": 0.95, "timestamps": [["It's wonderful because truly it can be whatever it is.", 3879.86, 3882.86, 0.9486970901489258]]}]