WEBVTT 00:00:23.922 --> 00:00:27.262 Might actually make somebody a little bit uncomfortable. But if I were to tell 00:00:27.262 --> 00:00:29.902 you that most of your goals, they're not actually yours. 00:00:30.102 --> 00:00:34.042 You didn't choose them. You most likely inherited them from magazines, 00:00:34.382 --> 00:00:37.542 from social media, from your parents, from your church, from your community, 00:00:37.542 --> 00:00:41.362 or from that version of yourself that you think that you're supposed to become. 00:00:41.882 --> 00:00:46.562 And that is why most of them don't stick. Hey, everybody. My name is Tony Overbay. 00:00:46.682 --> 00:00:48.182 I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. 00:00:48.422 --> 00:00:52.422 And welcome to the virtual couch and potentially a bonus episode on waking up 00:00:52.422 --> 00:00:55.782 to narcissism, because I think this is some really important stuff that we're 00:00:55.782 --> 00:00:56.442 going to talk about today. 00:00:56.602 --> 00:01:00.502 Do me a huge favor and follow me on social media at virtual.couch on Instagram, 00:01:00.862 --> 00:01:05.302 at virtualcouch on TikTok, Tony Overbay licensed marriage and family therapist on Facebook. 00:01:05.502 --> 00:01:09.942 I think Tony Overbay, maybe just that, maybe an LMFT over on LinkedIn, 00:01:10.402 --> 00:01:15.042 but Substack, oh my glorious Substack, go find me on Substack, 00:01:15.202 --> 00:01:19.142 substack.com, I believe slash the virtual couch. 00:01:19.962 --> 00:01:23.782 There's a lot of a lot of content there and getting back to doing a lot more 00:01:23.782 --> 00:01:26.042 live question and answers in the new year. 00:01:26.242 --> 00:01:29.802 And if you have questions, if you have, I was going to say answers, 00:01:29.842 --> 00:01:30.842 I'll take your answers as well. 00:01:30.942 --> 00:01:34.102 But if you have questions, relationship questions, marriage questions, 00:01:34.662 --> 00:01:37.822 emotional maturity questions, narcissism questions, faith crisis questions, 00:01:38.462 --> 00:01:43.942 you name it, please send them through my website, Tony overbay.com. And I will answer them. 00:01:44.122 --> 00:01:47.022 I'm going to be doing a lot more with the question and answer episodes. 00:01:47.322 --> 00:01:52.502 And I want them all. And I really, I really appreciate when somebody sends me 00:01:52.502 --> 00:01:55.422 their marriage related questions because I would love to weigh in on that. 00:01:55.542 --> 00:01:56.962 But let's get to today's episode. 00:01:57.162 --> 00:02:00.542 So I've been a therapist for well over 20 years now, and I have noticed something 00:02:00.542 --> 00:02:02.002 that is pretty consistent. 00:02:02.262 --> 00:02:06.502 Every December, people come into my office with anticipation or dread. 00:02:07.082 --> 00:02:10.762 They're already thinking about New Year's resolutions. Some are excitedly planning 00:02:10.762 --> 00:02:13.802 what they're going to do differently this year and others, and probably the 00:02:13.802 --> 00:02:18.202 majority are feeling guilty about not wanting to set any resolutions at all. 00:02:18.322 --> 00:02:21.922 And some are asking my opinion, should I even bother because they never stick anyway. 00:02:22.625 --> 00:02:26.605 And then by February or March, or maybe for some mid to late January, 00:02:26.885 --> 00:02:30.505 they're back and not celebrating their success, but beating themselves up again 00:02:30.505 --> 00:02:36.225 for failing, which is such a strong word. And they'll say things like, what's wrong with me? 00:02:36.425 --> 00:02:38.525 Why can't I just do the things that I say that I'm going to do? 00:02:38.685 --> 00:02:41.425 And here's what I've learned. Nothing is wrong with them. 00:02:42.005 --> 00:02:46.245 Their problem isn't their willpower or their discipline or their character. 00:02:46.825 --> 00:02:52.005 I think the problem, and maybe my New Year's resolution for 2026 is going to 00:02:52.005 --> 00:02:53.365 be calling it a challenge. 00:02:53.665 --> 00:02:55.065 But the challenge is that they're 00:02:55.065 --> 00:02:58.585 setting goals based on what they think that they should care about. 00:02:58.745 --> 00:03:03.885 And yes, I am required by therapist law now to say no one likes to be should on. 00:03:04.045 --> 00:03:07.465 But what they should care about, not what they actually care about. 00:03:07.625 --> 00:03:12.005 And a lot of times, I don't even know if we know what we think that we're supposed 00:03:12.005 --> 00:03:14.385 to care about or what we really truly care about. 00:03:14.485 --> 00:03:16.945 And that's why we're asking people, what do you think? What do you think I should 00:03:16.945 --> 00:03:18.485 care about? Or what do you think I should do? 00:03:18.665 --> 00:03:22.585 So I am releasing this episode just in time to either inspire you last minute 00:03:22.585 --> 00:03:27.085 to do something New Year's resolution-y related that has a better chance of sticking. 00:03:27.445 --> 00:03:32.525 But probably, and more importantly, I'm hoping you listen to this after you've 00:03:32.525 --> 00:03:37.005 already either not declared New Year's resolutions, if you are avoiding them, 00:03:37.205 --> 00:03:42.345 if you are protesting against them, or if you're a day or two in or maybe even 00:03:42.345 --> 00:03:44.165 a week or so in and you kind of already know, 00:03:44.465 --> 00:03:46.845 but you don't want to admit it, that this is not going to stick. 00:03:47.185 --> 00:03:49.725 Or bless your heart, you've already given up on them and you're starting down 00:03:49.725 --> 00:03:53.605 that path of self-deprecation and beating yourself up and doing the old what's wrong with me story. 00:03:53.805 --> 00:03:56.445 Because if that's where you are, I want you to know you're not broken. 00:03:57.194 --> 00:04:00.434 You're a human and you're not weak. You're not lacking discipline. 00:04:00.594 --> 00:04:02.794 I think you're just using the wrong framework. 00:04:03.234 --> 00:04:10.774 And I know this oh so well because I have done it for years myself with something as simple as pushups. 00:04:10.994 --> 00:04:14.794 So I would like to introduce to you my pushup story. 00:04:14.874 --> 00:04:19.354 And if you are a client of mine, unfortunately, you've probably heard this many times before. 00:04:19.774 --> 00:04:23.334 And I'm pretty confident that this started in elementary school or maybe middle 00:04:23.334 --> 00:04:28.514 school. And I don't even know if this man, the muse to all this is still alive. 00:04:28.514 --> 00:04:32.274 I believe his name was Mr. Johnson and he was a vice principal. 00:04:32.774 --> 00:04:36.474 And if you're already picturing, because I am a 56 year old human being, 00:04:36.614 --> 00:04:38.434 so if you do the math, that was a long time ago. 00:04:38.534 --> 00:04:43.214 If you're picturing a short sleeve, white button up shirt and truly unfortunate, 00:04:43.474 --> 00:04:46.954 somewhat yellowish tie that looked like it had lost a fight with a highlighter 00:04:46.954 --> 00:04:49.334 kind of vibe, that was Mr. Johnson. 00:04:49.894 --> 00:04:54.594 And one day in the lunchroom, a group of middle school boys were doing what middle school boys do. 00:04:54.834 --> 00:04:57.194 And one of them said something like, you know, I'm tougher than you. 00:04:57.414 --> 00:04:58.474 I could beat you up, whatever. 00:04:59.054 --> 00:05:02.594 And instead of escalating, Mr. Johnson calmly said, all right, 00:05:02.834 --> 00:05:03.814 drop down and give me some pushups. 00:05:04.074 --> 00:05:07.354 And I would just watch with amazement. And a couple of boys got down and they 00:05:07.354 --> 00:05:09.474 cranked out a respectable number of pushups. And I remember thinking, 00:05:09.594 --> 00:05:11.274 I don't know if I could do a lot of pushups myself. 00:05:11.634 --> 00:05:18.534 And then Mr. Johnson got down on the floor and he started doing pushups and he just kept going. 00:05:18.994 --> 00:05:23.274 And it was like a scene from a movie. There was a whole circle around him and 00:05:23.274 --> 00:05:25.394 we were all chanting and cheering Mr. Johnson. 00:05:25.574 --> 00:05:27.814 I think somebody was counting and I don't even remember what the number was. 00:05:28.034 --> 00:05:34.374 It felt like minutes passed and he didn't rush and he didn't strain and he just kept doing pushups. 00:05:34.914 --> 00:05:38.494 And I remember thinking, I will never look at this man the same way again. 00:05:39.074 --> 00:05:43.374 And we would talk about Mr. Johnson in hushed tones from that day forward. 00:05:43.494 --> 00:05:48.254 And I'm pretty sure that's the exact moment that my pushup obsession was born. 00:05:48.534 --> 00:05:51.334 So fast forward through high school and into college, and I started hearing 00:05:51.334 --> 00:05:53.454 about this thing called the 100 pushup challenge. 00:05:53.994 --> 00:05:59.374 And if you did a certain number of pushups in various sets on different days, 00:05:59.734 --> 00:06:01.434 the promise was that you would be able to do... 00:06:02.164 --> 00:06:07.684 A 100 push-up set all in a row. So I bought the magazines. 00:06:07.884 --> 00:06:11.624 I downloaded PDF files when computers became a thing. I even got the app where 00:06:11.624 --> 00:06:15.004 you put your phone on the floor and you're tapping the screen with your nose 00:06:15.004 --> 00:06:16.584 and pretty much every year. 00:06:16.704 --> 00:06:19.324 And I'm talking every single new year's, I would set the goal. 00:06:19.444 --> 00:06:23.264 This is the year that I actually follow through on the 100 push-up challenge 00:06:23.264 --> 00:06:25.024 and I get to do sets of 100 push-ups. 00:06:25.244 --> 00:06:30.984 And every year I would start somewhat strong until I would forget and I wouldn't 00:06:30.984 --> 00:06:33.764 do it any longer. And I really don't think I ever lasted more than a few days. 00:06:34.144 --> 00:06:36.504 And here's how my brain worked pretty much every single time. 00:06:36.564 --> 00:06:39.184 If I started the program and I realized later in the day that I didn't have 00:06:39.184 --> 00:06:42.244 time to complete all the prescribed sets and reps, my brain would say, 00:06:42.384 --> 00:06:44.124 you know what? We'll just do it tomorrow. 00:06:44.384 --> 00:06:46.964 Then tomorrow would come and then it would be later in the afternoon. 00:06:47.084 --> 00:06:51.344 And my brain would say, okay, honest to goodness tomorrow for real this time. 00:06:51.404 --> 00:06:55.024 And if it got to be Wednesday or Thursday, well, obviously at that point. 00:06:55.204 --> 00:06:58.224 I am starting on Monday. And as a matter of fact, what I would probably do is 00:06:58.224 --> 00:07:01.564 not do anything between then and Monday because I really had to take advantage 00:07:01.564 --> 00:07:04.544 of this downtime because starting on Monday, oh my gosh, I'm a machine. 00:07:04.624 --> 00:07:05.724 I'm going to be a push-up machine. 00:07:06.004 --> 00:07:09.984 And if it was the middle of the month, say the 16th of the month, 17th, you know what? 00:07:10.104 --> 00:07:15.084 Honestly, the first of next month sounds more official. I'm sure that I'll give it my all then. 00:07:15.892 --> 00:07:21.132 And if it was July or August, well, that's basically New Year's resolution season. 00:07:21.132 --> 00:07:24.212 So I might as well kick the can down the road until January 1st. 00:07:24.552 --> 00:07:28.952 And I did this for years. And I genuinely believe the story that my brain was telling me. 00:07:29.172 --> 00:07:32.352 I just really wasn't disciplined enough. And I just had to try harder. 00:07:32.352 --> 00:07:33.492 And what's wrong with me? 00:07:33.932 --> 00:07:38.452 Then years later, I started learning about my beloved acceptance and commitment therapy. 00:07:39.012 --> 00:07:43.132 As I've mentioned so often on my podcast has changed my world and changed my life. 00:07:43.692 --> 00:07:48.012 And so push-ups became my muse within the world of acceptance and commitment therapy. 00:07:48.392 --> 00:07:52.952 And throughout the remainder of this episode, I will use the shortened version ACT. 00:07:53.212 --> 00:07:56.672 Because ACT helped me see something different. The problem was not the push-ups. 00:07:56.992 --> 00:08:01.252 The problem was that I had turned 100 push-ups into this goal instead of noticing 00:08:01.252 --> 00:08:02.252 what actually mattered to me. 00:08:02.732 --> 00:08:06.072 What I eventually learned or what mattered to me was fitness. 00:08:06.592 --> 00:08:10.132 Fitness is a core value of mine. As somebody who has run now a hundred or more 00:08:10.132 --> 00:08:16.192 ultra marathons and other races and needs to work out to feel somewhat alive 00:08:16.192 --> 00:08:19.112 at this point, it's a value. It's a core value. 00:08:19.512 --> 00:08:24.512 So pushups stopped being the goal and they actually started becoming the vehicle to get there. 00:08:24.712 --> 00:08:27.632 So instead of asking how many, I started saying, okay, well, 00:08:27.752 --> 00:08:28.692 we'll do these and we'll see. 00:08:29.112 --> 00:08:33.932 And at first I still would forget. Days would go by. Then I remember to do 10, maybe another day, 20. 00:08:34.132 --> 00:08:36.772 And eventually I got to the point where I could do a set of 25. 00:08:36.772 --> 00:08:40.892 And some days that was it. just one set and that was okay because my value was 00:08:40.892 --> 00:08:44.572 fitness and push-ups were the vehicle to achieve my value. 00:08:44.812 --> 00:08:49.452 And then one day without planning it, without chasing it, I just passed a hundred. 00:08:50.407 --> 00:08:54.507 101 set, but 100 in the day. And it didn't happen all at once. 00:08:54.907 --> 00:08:58.527 But I realized that old goal didn't even matter anymore. Most days I was probably 00:08:58.527 --> 00:09:00.007 doing 150, some days 200. 00:09:00.347 --> 00:09:03.167 And I knew that there were days where I also did well over 300. 00:09:03.167 --> 00:09:06.807 And the wild part was that the less I obsessed over this goal, 00:09:06.987 --> 00:09:09.807 the more action I tended to take. 00:09:10.567 --> 00:09:14.147 ACT taught me something that I still use constantly, and especially with clients 00:09:14.147 --> 00:09:18.307 called expansion, which is making room for my thoughts and feelings instead 00:09:18.307 --> 00:09:20.987 of fighting against them. I'm learning how to accept them. 00:09:21.447 --> 00:09:24.387 So now I'll have a few minutes in between clients and I'll think, 00:09:24.487 --> 00:09:26.147 oh, okay, now's when I should do some pushups. 00:09:26.367 --> 00:09:29.907 And immediately, several times a day, my brain says, I don't want to. 00:09:30.067 --> 00:09:32.227 And instead of arguing with that thought, instead of saying, 00:09:32.347 --> 00:09:35.427 okay, I need to not think that or what's wrong with me for thinking that, 00:09:36.040 --> 00:09:42.940 Now, this concept of expansion allows me to say, cool, you're cool, I don't want to thought. 00:09:43.180 --> 00:09:46.400 Why don't you just come on down to the ground with me and do push-ups with me? 00:09:46.860 --> 00:09:50.320 I literally invite not wanting to do push-ups to get down on the floor with me. 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:56.760 And regularly, sometimes more than half of the sets that I'll do during a day, 00:09:56.760 --> 00:10:00.900 I am telling myself I don't want to be doing these and I'm acknowledging absolutely 00:10:00.900 --> 00:10:02.880 don't want to do them while I'm doing them. 00:10:02.880 --> 00:10:06.520 And every once in a while, a day or two will go by and I'll forget and I'll 00:10:06.520 --> 00:10:08.020 notice that my brain starts to beat me up again. 00:10:08.140 --> 00:10:10.560 And then I'll notice those are just thoughts and I'll start again. 00:10:10.760 --> 00:10:14.860 Then last December 28th, right around the time of year that I'm recording this 00:10:14.860 --> 00:10:21.080 episode, I felt a strange pain in my back after a Peloton arms and intervals bike workout. 00:10:21.340 --> 00:10:23.960 And then numbness started radiating down my left arm. 00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:28.600 And that moment ended up leading to a spinal fusion surgery three months later. 00:10:28.740 --> 00:10:32.160 And now almost a year after that first incident, I'm doing pushups again. 00:10:32.160 --> 00:10:35.820 And it feels like starting over and I still forget for days and then I'll remember 00:10:35.820 --> 00:10:38.080 and I'm finally up to sets of 20. 00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:41.580 And it's so funny because my brain is still fighting hard telling me we'll do 00:10:41.580 --> 00:10:46.440 it later. But this time I know something that I didn't know before. This is a value. 00:10:47.060 --> 00:10:49.880 Fitness is the value. Push-ups are just the vehicle. 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:53.160 And because of that, I have a deep confidence, not an urgency, 00:10:53.540 --> 00:10:56.100 not pressure that this is going to work again. 00:10:56.600 --> 00:11:00.180 So that difference between setting a goal because it sounds impressive and then 00:11:00.180 --> 00:11:02.980 choosing an action because it connects to something that actually matters to 00:11:02.980 --> 00:11:05.340 you, that's at the heart of what I want to talk about today. 00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:08.340 Because as we get closer to the end of the year, I've been thinking a lot about 00:11:08.340 --> 00:11:11.700 New Year's resolutions as I do every year at this time, because I was once a 00:11:11.700 --> 00:11:16.840 very, very big New Year's resolutioner and not one who kept them very long. 00:11:16.980 --> 00:11:20.520 And in previous years, I've done episodes where I've had the fun facts about 00:11:20.520 --> 00:11:25.520 what the most popular resolutions were and how long people keep them and the psychology behind why. 00:11:26.416 --> 00:11:31.536 This year, I really just want to talk about what I think is a healthier way 00:11:31.536 --> 00:11:33.836 to go about looking at any kind of behavior change. 00:11:33.976 --> 00:11:37.936 And also, if I'm being a little bit podcast host selfish, I've been taking on 00:11:37.936 --> 00:11:40.936 a few more new clients recently, more than I have in quite a while. 00:11:41.176 --> 00:11:46.156 And that has been energizing because I really, it just proves me how much I love this work. 00:11:46.256 --> 00:11:49.276 I genuinely love it. And I think that matters because it's a lot easier to do 00:11:49.276 --> 00:11:51.656 meaningful work together when we're already speaking a similar language. 00:11:51.796 --> 00:11:53.796 And that language for me is ACT. 00:11:54.336 --> 00:11:57.696 I've been this unapologetic ACT fanboy for well over a decade now. 00:11:57.836 --> 00:12:01.216 And even though ACT is still considered this new kid on the block in therapy 00:12:01.216 --> 00:12:03.656 terms, because it's only been around for about, I don't know, 00:12:03.736 --> 00:12:07.756 25, 30 years, it honestly still surprises me that it hasn't taken hold more 00:12:07.756 --> 00:12:09.876 widely in the therapeutic community. 00:12:10.016 --> 00:12:14.436 So before I get into comparisons between, I will call it traditional therapy, 00:12:14.716 --> 00:12:18.916 CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy and ACT, which I have been a CBT therapist 00:12:18.916 --> 00:12:22.096 for a large part of my career before I found ACT. 00:12:22.496 --> 00:12:25.996 I want to talk about something that Dr. Stephen Hayes, and he is the founder 00:12:25.996 --> 00:12:29.496 of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, what he writes about in his book called 00:12:29.496 --> 00:12:33.736 A Liberated Mind, which is a perfect title, the more that you learn about ACT principles. 00:12:33.956 --> 00:12:37.976 He introduced this concept that just made so much sense to me, 00:12:37.996 --> 00:12:40.636 and it's this idea of socially compliant goals. 00:12:40.816 --> 00:12:45.816 And I do think this is so relevant right now, heading into New Year's resolutions. 00:12:46.096 --> 00:12:50.196 Socially compliant goals are goals that we pursue because we feel like we have 00:12:50.196 --> 00:12:54.236 to or we're supposed to or because somebody we care about expects it because 00:12:54.236 --> 00:12:58.176 society says that we should because we'll potentially be disappointed in ourselves 00:12:58.176 --> 00:13:01.356 if we don't do these things that we think we're supposed to do and here's what 00:13:01.356 --> 00:13:06.016 the research shows socially compliant goals give rise to motivation that is weak and ineffective. 00:13:06.855 --> 00:13:09.555 We may try to drive our own behavior with these external goals, 00:13:09.635 --> 00:13:14.135 but we also secretly resent them because they undermine our own process of becoming, of unfolding. 00:13:14.335 --> 00:13:17.335 If you think about your classic New Year's resolutions, losing weight, 00:13:17.535 --> 00:13:20.595 get to the gym, quit drinking, eat healthier, journal every day, 00:13:20.755 --> 00:13:22.315 read my scriptures, say my prayers. 00:13:22.775 --> 00:13:27.895 I'm not saying that those things don't matter, but what I'm saying is, do they matter to you? 00:13:28.035 --> 00:13:32.375 Are you choosing them because you genuinely value health and vitality and longevity? 00:13:32.575 --> 00:13:36.375 Or are you choosing them because you think you're supposed to because everybody 00:13:36.375 --> 00:13:40.215 else is, because it feels like what a responsible adult human being would do. 00:13:40.655 --> 00:13:43.635 Because I promise you that distinction changes everything. 00:13:43.815 --> 00:13:46.775 When I was chasing a hundred pushups, I wasn't doing it because fitness mattered 00:13:46.775 --> 00:13:48.455 to me in a deep way at that time. 00:13:48.595 --> 00:13:52.535 I realized now in hindsight, the reason pushups began as this socially compliant 00:13:52.535 --> 00:13:55.115 goal was number one, the Mr. Johnson story that I told you about. 00:13:55.255 --> 00:13:59.735 And then because in that time of my life, I walked by enough muscle magazines 00:13:59.735 --> 00:14:03.395 at local convenience stores that I decided, oh, I just want these gigantic arms 00:14:03.395 --> 00:14:04.575 because I was a teenage boy. 00:14:04.675 --> 00:14:07.955 And I thought that that would lead to me having to find a very polite way to 00:14:07.955 --> 00:14:11.495 turn down the thousands of girls who would be vying for my attention and affection 00:14:11.495 --> 00:14:13.675 hanging off the aforementioned giant arms. 00:14:14.235 --> 00:14:16.875 And I was a little bit of a comic book reader back then. And there were typically 00:14:16.875 --> 00:14:20.995 these ads in the back of those, first of all, for x-ray glasses that I never 00:14:20.995 --> 00:14:24.915 saved up the money for, which I guess in hindsight, I'm probably better for. 00:14:25.115 --> 00:14:29.455 They also had these ads that showed a scrawny kid getting sand kicked all over 00:14:29.455 --> 00:14:32.375 him at the beach and then coming back the next summer with girls, 00:14:32.395 --> 00:14:36.695 here we go again, hanging from his ginormous arms and he's kicking sand now in the bully's face. 00:14:37.390 --> 00:14:40.690 Now, who cares that I lived in Utah and my parents' vacations consisted of camping 00:14:40.690 --> 00:14:43.570 in the woods and I would not be on a beach anytime soon. That didn't matter. 00:14:43.950 --> 00:14:49.270 That image was planted. Mr. Johnson and how cool that was and these muscle magazines 00:14:49.270 --> 00:14:52.730 and I don't want to get sand kicked in my face if I ever do happen upon a beach. 00:14:52.950 --> 00:14:56.410 So that goal was set not by me, but by the culture around me. 00:14:56.730 --> 00:14:58.630 That was a socially compliant goal. 00:14:59.050 --> 00:15:01.950 Dr. Hayes says that when we're operating from socially compliant goals, 00:15:02.110 --> 00:15:04.470 we end up in a pattern called experiential avoidance. 00:15:05.190 --> 00:15:08.730 Experiential avoidance is this process where if we don't want to do the thing 00:15:08.730 --> 00:15:12.310 that we think we're supposed to do already, then we are going to avoid this 00:15:12.310 --> 00:15:14.610 by a number of different experiences. 00:15:15.090 --> 00:15:19.010 There are so many things that we can use for experiential avoidance rather than 00:15:19.010 --> 00:15:21.650 do the thing that we already don't want to do that we think that we're supposed to. 00:15:21.790 --> 00:15:25.370 You can see how the game starts getting, we run from or we attempt to control 00:15:25.370 --> 00:15:29.070 all of our personal experiences and our thoughts and our feelings and our sensations. 00:15:29.070 --> 00:15:32.330 And we do it because our mind tells us this is an easy way to avoid pain. 00:15:32.330 --> 00:15:36.470 The pain of not wanting to do the thing that we think that we're supposed to. 00:15:36.970 --> 00:15:39.850 And then we kick this can down the road because we think, well. 00:15:40.622 --> 00:15:44.302 Be able to feel free only when we feel good. So I want to do these things that 00:15:44.302 --> 00:15:46.842 make me feel better before I have to do this thing that I know that I'm supposed to do. 00:15:46.982 --> 00:15:51.002 But avoidance typically only compounds our difficulties and it restricts our 00:15:51.002 --> 00:15:54.742 capacity to even feel at all or to be present in that moment. 00:15:55.002 --> 00:15:57.802 Let's talk about what experiential avoidance actually looks like in real life, 00:15:57.802 --> 00:16:01.682 because if I already truly didn't want to do the goal because it's socially 00:16:01.682 --> 00:16:05.262 compliant, let's give a better example, organizing my room or starting some 00:16:05.262 --> 00:16:07.002 side business or learning a foreign language. 00:16:07.162 --> 00:16:10.842 That was one that I had put on my bingo card every year. 00:16:11.142 --> 00:16:14.222 I used to travel to Japan for business a lot, so I was going to learn Japanese. 00:16:14.522 --> 00:16:17.562 But if I really don't want to organize my room, start a side business or learn 00:16:17.562 --> 00:16:21.522 Japanese, then I am going to turn to experiential avoidance like a champ. 00:16:21.622 --> 00:16:22.922 I'm going to watch one more video on YouTube. 00:16:23.122 --> 00:16:26.142 I'm going to do one more episode of whatever series has my current attention 00:16:26.142 --> 00:16:29.302 on Netflix, or I'm going to play another game, or I'm going to scroll through 00:16:29.302 --> 00:16:32.582 social media just a few more minutes, or I'm going to clean out my email inbox 00:16:32.582 --> 00:16:34.702 because, hey, that feels like I'm doing something productive, right? 00:16:34.982 --> 00:16:39.862 I'm going to reorganize my desktop files. I've done that a time or a hundred on my computer. 00:16:40.082 --> 00:16:43.122 I'm going to research the perfect productivity system instead of actually doing 00:16:43.122 --> 00:16:44.702 the productivity thing. 00:16:44.822 --> 00:16:48.342 And there are so many things to use for experiential avoidance these days that 00:16:48.342 --> 00:16:52.382 you darn well better find out what matters to you or doesn't before you start 00:16:52.382 --> 00:16:57.942 basing your confidence and your self-worth on not doing the thing that you already 00:16:57.942 --> 00:16:59.602 don't want to do that you think you're supposed to do. 00:16:59.742 --> 00:17:01.882 Because here's what I think happens. You tell yourself, okay, 00:17:01.962 --> 00:17:04.522 I'm going to organize my room. You really don't want to, but you think you should. 00:17:04.782 --> 00:17:07.002 So you sit down to start and immediately your brain says, you know what? 00:17:07.222 --> 00:17:09.662 I'm just going to check my phone first. And then a couple hours later, 00:17:09.782 --> 00:17:10.922 you haven't organized anything. 00:17:11.162 --> 00:17:13.842 Now you feel worse because not only is your room still messy, 00:17:13.862 --> 00:17:16.442 but you also feel like a failure for not doing the thing that you said that 00:17:16.442 --> 00:17:18.562 you were going to do that you think that you're supposed to do that you set 00:17:18.562 --> 00:17:20.662 the goal of doing. But the problem wasn't discipline. 00:17:21.082 --> 00:17:23.822 The problem was that you were trying to force yourself to do something that 00:17:23.822 --> 00:17:26.342 you didn't actually care about and your brain knew it. 00:17:26.939 --> 00:17:30.539 It did what brains do. It found literally anything else to focus on to avoid 00:17:30.539 --> 00:17:33.339 the discomfort of doing something that you felt was meaningless. 00:17:33.639 --> 00:17:37.359 I heard a quote recently, the author is unknown that said, you can't add more 00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:41.199 time to life, but you can certainly add more life to your time. 00:17:41.479 --> 00:17:44.659 That one hit me. That one gave me all the feelings because when you're spending 00:17:44.659 --> 00:17:46.879 your time on things that don't matter to you, 00:17:47.039 --> 00:17:50.359 when you're organizing your room because you think you should or chasing goals 00:17:50.359 --> 00:17:53.179 because they sound impressive or scrolling through TikTok to avoid the discomfort 00:17:53.179 --> 00:17:55.339 of admitting that you don't care about the thing that you said that you would 00:17:55.339 --> 00:17:57.779 do, you're not adding life to your time. 00:17:57.959 --> 00:18:00.719 You're burning time. But when you're doing something that actually aligns with 00:18:00.719 --> 00:18:04.079 the value, when you're reading because you genuinely love learning or knowledge, 00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:07.399 or you're moving your body because you value vitality or having a hard conversation 00:18:07.399 --> 00:18:11.439 because you value honesty, that's adding life to your time. 00:18:11.619 --> 00:18:14.599 That's the difference between getting 10 more rounds of Candy Crush under your 00:18:14.599 --> 00:18:17.119 belt or building a life that feels more like your own. 00:18:17.439 --> 00:18:20.059 One is experiential avoidance. The other is living. 00:18:20.818 --> 00:18:23.838 So, if I go back to the push-up example, when I missed a day or I didn't complete 00:18:23.838 --> 00:18:26.418 all the sets that the program told me, I used to feel bad. 00:18:26.538 --> 00:18:29.118 I felt like I was failing. I felt lazy and undisciplined and weak. 00:18:29.778 --> 00:18:32.138 And what did I do with those feelings? Well, I avoided them. 00:18:32.318 --> 00:18:35.498 I told myself, yeah, no, but I'll start fresh tomorrow. Rather than say, 00:18:35.618 --> 00:18:37.138 is this even something I want to do? 00:18:37.418 --> 00:18:40.558 Or we'll start next month. I wasn't moving toward fitness. 00:18:40.638 --> 00:18:43.898 I was moving away from the discomfort of feeling like I wasn't good enough or 00:18:43.898 --> 00:18:47.758 I didn't know what I was doing. And here's the trap that the more I avoided 00:18:47.758 --> 00:18:50.818 those uncomfortable feelings, the more power that they had. 00:18:50.958 --> 00:18:54.958 And the more that I reinforced the idea that I couldn't handle them, 00:18:55.238 --> 00:18:58.978 that I needed to wait for these perfect conditions, the perfect Monday, 00:18:59.398 --> 00:19:02.378 the perfect month, the perfect motivation before I could take action. 00:19:02.378 --> 00:19:05.618 This is what Hayes means when he talks about the anxiety trap. 00:19:05.798 --> 00:19:08.598 He also refers to it as the monkey trap. Because in some parts of Africa, 00:19:08.598 --> 00:19:12.498 people drill these small holes and gourds. They fill them with banana chips 00:19:12.498 --> 00:19:13.418 and they tie them to trees. 00:19:13.898 --> 00:19:16.378 And the holes are just big enough for a monkey to insert its hand. 00:19:16.518 --> 00:19:20.058 But when it grabs the banana chip, the fist is too big to pull his hand out. 00:19:20.278 --> 00:19:23.098 And the monkey is trapped. Now, you would think that the monkey would just let 00:19:23.098 --> 00:19:26.178 go of the chip, but it doesn't. It hoots and it hollers and it struggles and 00:19:26.178 --> 00:19:27.698 it fights all the while clinging to the chip. 00:19:28.138 --> 00:19:31.498 That was me with my push-up goal. I was clinging to this prize of being someone 00:19:31.498 --> 00:19:35.258 who could do 100 push-ups. Somebody disciplined, somebody fit, somebody impressive. 00:19:35.518 --> 00:19:38.158 And in clinging to that prize, I was trapped. 00:19:38.578 --> 00:19:43.058 It was only when I let go, when I stopped chasing the goal, and I started connecting 00:19:43.058 --> 00:19:45.118 to the value that everything changed. 00:19:45.658 --> 00:19:49.398 Stephen Hayes writes, It was only when I abandoned the attempt to control my 00:19:49.398 --> 00:19:51.938 anxiety that I began discovering how to heal. 00:19:52.178 --> 00:19:55.818 It was only when I gave up on that false vision, when I dropped that mental 00:19:55.818 --> 00:19:58.058 banana chip, that my mind was free. It was only when I gave up on that false vision, 00:19:58.555 --> 00:20:00.855 And I really think that's what happened for me with push-ups. 00:20:00.915 --> 00:20:04.175 When I stopped trying to control the outcome, when I stopped avoiding the discomfort 00:20:04.175 --> 00:20:07.255 of not being perfect, I was just free to do push-ups. 00:20:07.435 --> 00:20:09.675 Some days 10, some days 50, some days none. 00:20:09.975 --> 00:20:14.055 And then paradoxically, the less I fought with my feelings about it, 00:20:14.115 --> 00:20:17.675 the more consistent I became because I wasn't running from the discomfort anymore. 00:20:17.675 --> 00:20:19.755 I was moving towards something that mattered. 00:20:19.915 --> 00:20:23.655 And this connects to something I think is really important about why a lot of 00:20:23.655 --> 00:20:27.395 New Year's resolutions don't succeed. lead. We tend to focus on what researchers 00:20:27.395 --> 00:20:31.535 call lag measures instead of lead measures. A lag measure is the outcome. 00:20:31.735 --> 00:20:34.355 It's the thing that you want to happen. But here's the key though, 00:20:34.555 --> 00:20:36.855 you don't always have control over the lag measures. 00:20:37.055 --> 00:20:40.835 There are a thousand variables outside of your control that could impact whether 00:20:40.835 --> 00:20:44.715 or not that outcome happens. Now, the lead measure, that's the action. That is what you do. 00:20:44.955 --> 00:20:46.915 And you have much more control over that. 00:20:47.335 --> 00:20:50.975 So what this might look like in practice, a lag measure would be lose 15 pounds, 00:20:51.135 --> 00:20:54.575 a lead measure, eat vegetables with every meal, move your body for 20 minutes daily. 00:20:55.255 --> 00:20:58.535 A lag measure is I'm going to read 12 books this year. A lead measure, 00:20:58.695 --> 00:21:01.355 I'm going to read for 15 minutes every morning before checking my phone. 00:21:01.675 --> 00:21:05.135 Or maybe even better, I'm going to find authors and topics that I enjoy reading 00:21:05.135 --> 00:21:07.795 or learning about to set myself up to actually want to read. 00:21:07.975 --> 00:21:10.015 A lag measure is run a marathon. 00:21:10.255 --> 00:21:13.895 A lead measure is to start movement. Run three times a week. 00:21:14.035 --> 00:21:17.255 Gradually increase my distance. Find a running group. Talk to a friend who's run marathons before. 00:21:17.475 --> 00:21:22.275 A lag measure might be saving 10 grand. And then a lead measure is start transferring 00:21:22.275 --> 00:21:26.175 money into savings every paycheck or pack a lunch three out of five days a week. 00:21:26.335 --> 00:21:28.415 A lag measure is have a better marriage. 00:21:29.010 --> 00:21:32.390 And then a lead measure is try to have one meaningful conversation with your 00:21:32.390 --> 00:21:35.890 spouse at least a couple of times a week or practice my beloved four pillars 00:21:35.890 --> 00:21:37.790 of a connected conversation out in the wild. 00:21:38.030 --> 00:21:40.930 A lag measure might be I'm going to grow my business to six figures. 00:21:41.070 --> 00:21:44.270 But a lead measure is reach out to potential clients each week or create one 00:21:44.270 --> 00:21:47.710 piece of content daily or sit down and write out a pros and cons list about 00:21:47.710 --> 00:21:49.130 your job. Do you enjoy what you do? 00:21:49.570 --> 00:21:53.030 Lag measure, learn to speak Japanese. I can't even remember how to say, 00:21:53.090 --> 00:21:55.190 Nihongo suko shi wakare masu. 00:21:55.230 --> 00:21:59.190 I think that's something about Japanese. The lead measure, practice with a language 00:21:59.190 --> 00:22:00.390 app for 10 minutes every day. 00:22:00.570 --> 00:22:04.630 Watch a Japanese language show with subtitles or be honest with myself. 00:22:05.110 --> 00:22:08.870 What do I want to learn Japanese for? 00:22:09.150 --> 00:22:12.350 A lag measure, I'm going to get promoted this year at work. Lead measure. 00:22:13.030 --> 00:22:16.750 Start taking on one stretch assignment per quarter or have monthly check-ins 00:22:16.750 --> 00:22:17.910 with your manager about your development. 00:22:18.050 --> 00:22:20.850 Be proactive about where you are at work, what you're doing. 00:22:21.090 --> 00:22:24.150 A lag measure, and I hear this one often, people want more friends. 00:22:24.390 --> 00:22:27.410 They want to expand their social circle. But the lead measure would be saying 00:22:27.410 --> 00:22:31.010 yes to a social invitation, maybe each week, join a group or a class that meets 00:22:31.010 --> 00:22:35.470 regularly, find a community of people that like the same things you do. 00:22:36.010 --> 00:22:38.550 Be afraid to go do something once a week and then do it anyway. 00:22:38.930 --> 00:22:43.630 So do you see the pattern? The lag measure is the outcome and outcomes are affected 00:22:43.630 --> 00:22:44.870 by the things you can't control. 00:22:45.150 --> 00:22:48.630 Your metabolism, your genetics, the economy, other people's decisions, 00:22:48.950 --> 00:22:50.010 unexpected life events. 00:22:50.530 --> 00:22:53.610 But the lead measure, that's what you do every day. I remember talking with 00:22:53.610 --> 00:22:58.490 a client once and her goal was she was going over to Hawaii and she was going 00:22:58.490 --> 00:23:01.450 to skydive and that was her life's ambition and she had gotten herself in a 00:23:01.450 --> 00:23:02.790 good mental space to do that. 00:23:02.970 --> 00:23:06.530 And then she got there and she had a small window that she was going to be able 00:23:06.530 --> 00:23:10.030 to do this and the weather was horrific and no one could skydive. 00:23:10.450 --> 00:23:13.430 And she came back and she was sad and was kind of beating herself up, 00:23:13.450 --> 00:23:15.650 but she did enough of the lead measures to... 00:23:16.011 --> 00:23:20.251 She did things that were of value and the lag measure of actually going skydiving 00:23:20.251 --> 00:23:21.951 didn't happen. And that was okay. 00:23:22.131 --> 00:23:25.711 When you focus on the lead measures, when you consistently take the actions 00:23:25.711 --> 00:23:28.931 that align with your values, the lag measures often take care of themselves. 00:23:29.191 --> 00:23:32.751 Not always and not perfectly, but I think often enough. And there's a decent chance. 00:23:32.871 --> 00:23:38.091 And I think this is what is so cool about ACT is understanding that the lag 00:23:38.091 --> 00:23:39.691 measure may not even be what you anticipate. 00:23:40.111 --> 00:23:43.611 I once worked with a client who started reading regularly, truly for the first 00:23:43.611 --> 00:23:46.871 time in his life, which led him to think, man, I actually could write better 00:23:46.871 --> 00:23:47.971 than some of the things that I'm reading. 00:23:48.451 --> 00:23:51.851 And now that client is world-renowned author, Stephen King. Not really, 00:23:51.951 --> 00:23:53.131 not at all, actually. I'm kidding. 00:23:53.311 --> 00:23:56.071 I don't know if he kept writing or not, but it was such a fascinating thing 00:23:56.071 --> 00:23:59.731 that he became a very good writer over the time that we worked together. 00:23:59.731 --> 00:24:02.711 And he began journaling every day. And that started because he wanted to read. 00:24:03.291 --> 00:24:07.431 And even when and if the lead measures don't necessarily result in the lag measure 00:24:07.431 --> 00:24:10.491 that you intended, it can still be such a growth opportunity. 00:24:10.651 --> 00:24:13.731 I did work with someone once who, when training for their first marathon, 00:24:13.931 --> 00:24:17.931 discovered that any training run longer than 10 miles resulted in some serious 00:24:17.931 --> 00:24:20.711 pain in a hamstring, which then led her to getting the hamstring check, 00:24:20.871 --> 00:24:23.691 which eventually led her down a larger fitness and physical therapy path. 00:24:23.831 --> 00:24:27.211 And I can report that we're years down the road now. 00:24:27.371 --> 00:24:31.391 And that lead measure didn't result in her original lag measure of running a marathon, 00:24:31.391 --> 00:24:36.811 but it did lead her to a career and eventually a life partner that she met in 00:24:36.811 --> 00:24:40.591 that new space that slowly became more of her identity because this becomes 00:24:40.591 --> 00:24:42.811 so much more about the journey than the result. 00:24:42.991 --> 00:24:47.431 When I moved out of the computer industry, quite frankly, I tried to be a financial 00:24:47.431 --> 00:24:49.631 planner, a pharmaceutical sales rep. 00:24:49.791 --> 00:24:53.991 I still have my rejection letter and I made it a few rounds through interviewing 00:24:53.991 --> 00:24:55.431 with Apple for a marketing position. 00:24:55.731 --> 00:24:59.991 And I also went back to school because there was a chance that maybe I could 00:24:59.991 --> 00:25:00.871 become a therapist. Yeah. 00:25:01.338 --> 00:25:05.678 And I love the fact that I didn't know. I just knew that I needed to try to 00:25:05.678 --> 00:25:07.438 figure things out or figure myself out. 00:25:07.618 --> 00:25:10.878 When you start figuring out what matters to you, it becomes so much more about 00:25:10.878 --> 00:25:14.818 the proverbial journey than the result because you learn what matters to you. 00:25:15.038 --> 00:25:18.498 You learn to take action in a direction and over time, trust that you're going to figure it out. 00:25:19.338 --> 00:25:22.798 Because while expectations and goals and resolutions, I think are wonderful 00:25:22.798 --> 00:25:25.818 things, I really think that they need to be held somewhat loosely, 00:25:25.998 --> 00:25:28.078 not gripped to the point that they're going to break. 00:25:28.818 --> 00:25:32.758 Their directions to start heading toward. But when we have it so deeply ingrained 00:25:32.758 --> 00:25:36.258 that I need to say that I am going to do this thing that I possibly never done 00:25:36.258 --> 00:25:40.298 before, and then I need to hold myself to doing it at all costs or else I'm 00:25:40.298 --> 00:25:42.278 going to deem myself a failure and doggone it, 00:25:42.378 --> 00:25:45.138 I better enjoy it when I get there too, because I don't want to admit to myself 00:25:45.138 --> 00:25:47.698 that I did all this stuff that I didn't want to actually do. 00:25:48.258 --> 00:25:52.078 Maybe I was doing for other people, probably to get people to tell me how awesome 00:25:52.078 --> 00:25:55.758 I am really only to get here. And now it's not all that it's cracked up to be. 00:25:56.218 --> 00:25:59.198 Think about that. Slow that down. Break down that game film. 00:25:59.558 --> 00:26:02.058 You thought doing something would make you happy or get you validation. 00:26:02.438 --> 00:26:05.658 I think about clients that I'm working with now, one who did say that they wanted 00:26:05.658 --> 00:26:09.418 to write screenplays and they finally were able to clear off all the time in the world. 00:26:09.758 --> 00:26:13.698 And now that they're writing them, they realize, actually, this is not what I thought it would be. 00:26:14.418 --> 00:26:19.078 I'm very proud of them for recognizing that this thing that they had held in 00:26:19.078 --> 00:26:23.378 such high regard, and they had told themselves, if only I had time to do that, then I would be happy. 00:26:23.638 --> 00:26:27.198 Then we figured out how to find that time. And now they're realizing, 00:26:27.398 --> 00:26:32.618 oh, wow, I'm glad that I did get to see that this wasn't the thing that I thought it would always be. 00:26:32.778 --> 00:26:37.358 I want to coin this term so bad when somebody says that they want to do something. 00:26:37.958 --> 00:26:40.238 Don't you be the one that says, I don't think that's a good idea. 00:26:40.738 --> 00:26:43.038 No, don't you be the one that knocks the wind out of their sails. 00:26:43.218 --> 00:26:46.198 Let life do it if it's going to do it. I have another client that went back 00:26:46.198 --> 00:26:51.338 to school and got an advanced degree, we'll say, for protecting the confidentiality of this person. 00:26:51.438 --> 00:26:54.918 I won't tell you in what field, but now that they got that degree, 00:26:55.178 --> 00:26:58.458 they realized that it isn't everything that they thought it would be. 00:26:59.060 --> 00:27:02.640 This person is able to now acknowledge the fact that this was not a waste because 00:27:02.640 --> 00:27:07.180 had they not gone down this path, they would not have known themselves as well as they do now. 00:27:07.340 --> 00:27:10.980 And they would have still clung to this idea that if only I could have done 00:27:10.980 --> 00:27:15.000 this thing, I'm thinking of some movie with the, it was, if only I could have 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:16.980 been a farmer, then I would be happy. 00:27:17.460 --> 00:27:21.820 Well, if that's the case, go plant some things, farm some things and figure 00:27:21.820 --> 00:27:23.380 out, is that the thing that I really like? 00:27:23.560 --> 00:27:27.860 Before I go any further, I want to make a crucial distinction that I think trips up almost everybody. 00:27:28.140 --> 00:27:32.120 Let's talk about values. Values versus a goal because values are not goals. 00:27:32.260 --> 00:27:36.380 And this is where most, I think, New Year's resolutions tend to fall apart because we confuse the two. 00:27:36.680 --> 00:27:40.060 You think about it, we spend more time researching which Netflix show to watch, 00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:43.300 which is something I did a couple of nights ago, than trying to really understand 00:27:43.300 --> 00:27:46.480 the internal compass that guides my biggest decisions in life. 00:27:46.580 --> 00:27:50.120 But that compass affects everything from how you handle conflict to what hills 00:27:50.120 --> 00:27:51.020 you're willing to die on. 00:27:51.240 --> 00:27:55.760 Your values aren't just these lofty concepts, these ethereal things that we 00:27:55.760 --> 00:27:59.720 continually are in search of, they're the beating heart of how you show up in 00:27:59.720 --> 00:28:00.700 your life every single day. 00:28:00.840 --> 00:28:05.340 Your values are basically your life's GPS system. They're not the destinations themselves. 00:28:05.600 --> 00:28:09.040 Those are goals, but rather the internal navigation system that helps you determine 00:28:09.040 --> 00:28:10.960 what roads are actually worth traveling. 00:28:11.220 --> 00:28:14.960 And most of us have never actually sat down to program this internal GPS. 00:28:14.960 --> 00:28:18.420 We're just driving around sometimes bewildered or confused about why we keep 00:28:18.420 --> 00:28:20.240 ending up in places that don't feel right or worse. 00:28:20.340 --> 00:28:23.040 We're constantly asking others to plug in the coordinates for us, 00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:25.900 essentially saying, hey, will you tell me where I should go and who I should be? 00:28:26.040 --> 00:28:28.640 It's no wonder that we feel lost a lot of times. 00:28:28.820 --> 00:28:31.380 Let me clarify this with some hopefully concrete examples. 00:28:31.760 --> 00:28:35.020 Goals are checkboxes on your life to-do list. Get married, buy a house, 00:28:35.100 --> 00:28:38.320 have kids, maybe make six figures, lose 15 pounds, read 12 books. 00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:42.080 Those are all fine things to pursue. Once you achieve them, now what? 00:28:42.300 --> 00:28:45.100 It's part of the old, I'll be happy when. Oh, I'll be happy when I get married 00:28:45.100 --> 00:28:46.560 or I'll be happy when we finally have a house. 00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:50.880 But then you get there and it's like, okay, not bad. But apparently that wasn't the secret to life. 00:28:51.340 --> 00:28:54.200 You check the box and you look around and say, okay, now what? 00:28:54.300 --> 00:28:56.320 I thought I would feel a whole lot different than I do now. 00:28:57.044 --> 00:28:59.964 Values, on the other hand, they are this continuous way that you want to show 00:28:59.964 --> 00:29:04.224 up in the world. They are how you want to be, not what you want to have. 00:29:04.784 --> 00:29:08.464 Values are never finished. You don't complete them and move on. They're ongoing. 00:29:08.804 --> 00:29:11.964 Instead of the goal, get married, the value, I want to have a connection. 00:29:11.964 --> 00:29:15.124 I want to be in a partnership. I want intimacy, verbal, emotional, 00:29:15.324 --> 00:29:15.964 cognitive, intellectual. 00:29:16.404 --> 00:29:19.884 A goal might be lose 15 pounds, but the value, health, vitality, 00:29:20.024 --> 00:29:21.604 self-care, good eating. 00:29:21.864 --> 00:29:25.164 A goal might be read 12 books, but a value might be knowledge, 00:29:25.524 --> 00:29:26.964 learning, growth, curiosity. 00:29:27.404 --> 00:29:31.104 A goal might be to make six figures, but the value behind that is maybe financial 00:29:31.104 --> 00:29:33.604 security or providing for the family or financial freedom. 00:29:34.024 --> 00:29:37.884 A goal might be running a marathon, but a value might be challenge or discipline 00:29:37.884 --> 00:29:40.904 or physical strength or connection through joining a running group. 00:29:41.164 --> 00:29:43.724 Hopefully you can see the difference. The goal is more like an event. 00:29:43.884 --> 00:29:46.324 It's a moment in time. There's a finish line there and they're great. 00:29:46.524 --> 00:29:49.844 The value is the direction. The value is the way of being. It's a compass heading. 00:29:50.164 --> 00:29:53.624 And I think most of us are walking around then with values that we've never consciously chosen. 00:29:54.024 --> 00:29:56.644 We've picked them up like lint on a sweater or from our families, 00:29:56.764 --> 00:30:00.864 friends, churches, schools, social media, the one teacher who made a throwaway 00:30:00.864 --> 00:30:02.464 comment in third grade that we've never forgotten. 00:30:02.984 --> 00:30:05.944 So we set goals based on values that we don't actually hold, 00:30:06.024 --> 00:30:08.684 that we don't actually clarify. And then we wonder why we can't stick with them. 00:30:08.824 --> 00:30:11.624 So remember, you're not broken if you haven't figured this out yet. 00:30:11.624 --> 00:30:13.804 You're a normal human being. A lot of people, I don't think, 00:30:13.944 --> 00:30:15.384 truly figure out their core values. 00:30:16.138 --> 00:30:19.218 At all. The good news is though, once you start clarifying your values, 00:30:19.518 --> 00:30:22.858 then the decisions become a little more clear and motivation becomes a bit stronger 00:30:22.858 --> 00:30:28.058 in that sense of something's missing, tends to fade, and it is never too late 00:30:28.058 --> 00:30:29.278 to recalibrate this GPS. 00:30:29.538 --> 00:30:31.698 So when you're thinking about your new year's resolutions this year, 00:30:31.838 --> 00:30:32.718 don't start with the goal. 00:30:33.098 --> 00:30:35.738 Let's start looking at the value. Ask yourself, what do I really care about? 00:30:36.018 --> 00:30:39.178 What kind of person do I want to be? What direction do I want my life to move in? 00:30:39.298 --> 00:30:42.918 And then let the goals or these lead measures kind of flow naturally from that. 00:30:43.078 --> 00:30:46.938 Because when you're clear on your values, the goals become a little more obvious. 00:30:47.118 --> 00:30:50.218 And more importantly, the motivation to pursue them becomes more sustainable. 00:30:50.658 --> 00:30:55.378 I think back to the story often of, as I have worked on clarifying my own values, 00:30:55.398 --> 00:30:57.458 I have a strong value of fitness. 00:30:57.678 --> 00:31:00.258 I have a strong value of curiosity, genuine curiosity. 00:31:00.478 --> 00:31:05.878 I want to know things and knowledge and adventure and authenticity. 00:31:06.138 --> 00:31:10.478 And that can sound like something that people will often say, well, I have that too. 00:31:10.998 --> 00:31:15.858 But if you have a value of authenticity, now what follows, I want to introduce you to the yeah, buts. 00:31:16.138 --> 00:31:19.878 If I have a value of authenticity and somebody asked me my opinion on something 00:31:19.878 --> 00:31:22.678 and I want to be authentic, then I need to express my opinion. 00:31:23.018 --> 00:31:26.658 Now the yeah, but is yeah, but they might not like that opinion or yeah, 00:31:26.778 --> 00:31:28.178 but they may think differently of me. 00:31:28.398 --> 00:31:30.918 The reason I like framing this with the yeah, buts is because, 00:31:31.138 --> 00:31:36.318 oh yeah, they might, but that's not a productive thought toward my value of 00:31:36.318 --> 00:31:38.598 authenticity. So I'm not even arguing that. 00:31:38.738 --> 00:31:43.478 When people now ask me my opinion about anything, whether it's political or 00:31:43.478 --> 00:31:48.978 religious or therapeutic, I have discovered that I feel alive when I am in alignment 00:31:48.978 --> 00:31:51.318 with my values, my core value of authenticity. 00:31:51.558 --> 00:31:54.758 So I will share my opinion and I have to accept the fact that. 00:31:55.379 --> 00:32:00.479 The person I am interacting with may not appreciate the things that I'm saying 00:32:00.479 --> 00:32:03.119 because they most likely have thought of me in a certain way, 00:32:03.139 --> 00:32:06.919 or, oh, I always thought you thought this, or from the content you've created, 00:32:07.119 --> 00:32:11.059 I have made it mean this, which I am so grateful for. I want to hear all of that. 00:32:11.199 --> 00:32:15.019 I'll give you another example, summer league for the NBA in Las Vegas. 00:32:15.439 --> 00:32:19.039 Some of my most fun times are going with my son, Jake, and my son-in-law, 00:32:19.139 --> 00:32:22.819 Mitch, and we go and we golf and we watch lots of basketball. 00:32:23.139 --> 00:32:27.099 And one year, we got some pretty decent seats and I'm exploring my values and 00:32:27.099 --> 00:32:27.999 I'm figuring all this out. 00:32:28.499 --> 00:32:31.279 And we're on maybe the third game of four in a row. 00:32:31.739 --> 00:32:36.139 I got my guys here. We played golf that morning. This should be the most amazing thing ever. 00:32:36.159 --> 00:32:40.679 And I'm noticing that I'm kind of feeling bored and I'm thinking, 00:32:41.219 --> 00:32:42.619 okay, I should be more excited. 00:32:42.939 --> 00:32:47.719 And as I started to notice that I'm feeling a bit down, this is where your values 00:32:47.719 --> 00:32:51.299 become so important because I don't tell myself what's wrong with me. 00:32:51.399 --> 00:32:55.319 And I don't tell myself I need to stop thinking what I'm thinking because I 00:32:55.319 --> 00:32:58.959 try to stop thinking about a white polar bear right now. There it is right there in our mind. 00:32:59.219 --> 00:33:04.199 You turn toward your value. I have a value of curiosity like nobody's business. 00:33:04.439 --> 00:33:08.479 So I immediately pull out my phone and I start looking up NBA players that are 00:33:08.479 --> 00:33:10.599 trying to make these rosters at the NBA Summer League. 00:33:11.079 --> 00:33:15.919 And I start learning about one, I believe his name is Luka Garza who is still 00:33:15.919 --> 00:33:20.979 playing in the NBA now and I find that he has a I believe it was a nine pound. 00:33:21.579 --> 00:33:25.839 Tumor on his spleen and that's a funny thing now about memory because I was 00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:28.999 very confident about what I saw at the time and all of a sudden I'm talking 00:33:28.999 --> 00:33:33.939 to Mitch and Jake about that or there was another guy who his name was Timu. 00:33:34.944 --> 00:33:38.504 Like the app where you buy things from. But he was, I believe, 00:33:38.624 --> 00:33:43.344 a former Finnish dunk champion who had a very, very strong tan and bleach blonde hair. 00:33:43.684 --> 00:33:46.684 And so, I looked at that guy and all of a sudden I'm reading about he's won 00:33:46.684 --> 00:33:48.364 these dunk contests all over Europe. 00:33:48.624 --> 00:33:52.104 And so, I'm talking about these things. I'm being genuinely curious. 00:33:52.284 --> 00:33:55.064 That's a value of mine. And now we're having a conversation. 00:33:55.304 --> 00:33:58.964 Now, I did not stop thinking anything. I didn't beat myself up, 00:33:59.024 --> 00:34:02.884 but I turned to a value of curiosity and I took action on this value. 00:34:03.344 --> 00:34:06.484 And the yeah, but might've even been, but yeah, but you aren't paying attention 00:34:06.484 --> 00:34:07.504 to the game. It's like, totally. 00:34:07.904 --> 00:34:11.464 That's not even a productive thought though, if I'm really trying to turn to this value. 00:34:11.644 --> 00:34:16.544 And I like giving the example of honesty here because a lot of people are going 00:34:16.544 --> 00:34:19.924 to say that honesty is a core value and that can be an amazing thing. 00:34:20.164 --> 00:34:27.844 I used to do some volunteer check-in work with a lady in my neighborhood named Sister Warner. 00:34:28.324 --> 00:34:33.264 She was an older lady. She was from the South, as I was early in my life, 00:34:33.524 --> 00:34:36.444 being born in Tennessee, and she could make biscuits and gravy. 00:34:36.784 --> 00:34:39.844 And I would go over to her house once a month, early in the morning, 00:34:40.064 --> 00:34:42.904 and she would make me biscuits and gravy before I would go to work. 00:34:43.264 --> 00:34:47.144 And I loved being able to serve Sister Warner in that way. 00:34:47.304 --> 00:34:50.844 But the older that she got, and the more her memory started to fade, 00:34:51.144 --> 00:34:55.564 the more salt she tended to put in the biscuits and gravy. And there were mornings 00:34:55.564 --> 00:34:58.644 that I would go there and she would say, oh, it's all ready for you. 00:34:58.824 --> 00:35:03.804 And I would take a bite. And I think of a cartoon where my mouth would pucker 00:35:03.804 --> 00:35:07.204 up so much that my face would cave in on itself. 00:35:08.081 --> 00:35:11.621 And she would say, how is it? And I would say, it is amazing. 00:35:12.301 --> 00:35:16.461 Because in that moment, I valued compassion more than I valued honesty. 00:35:16.761 --> 00:35:19.941 So, when I had this value of compassion, then the yeah buts are, 00:35:20.061 --> 00:35:21.801 yeah, but you're not being honest. Like, totally. 00:35:22.081 --> 00:35:25.341 Oh, I am not. That's not a productive thought toward my value of compassion 00:35:25.341 --> 00:35:28.141 in this moment. Now, if I had a core value of honesty, and that's okay. 00:35:28.361 --> 00:35:31.461 I know people that do have a very strong core value of honesty. 00:35:31.741 --> 00:35:34.841 Then the yeah but is, well, yeah, but you're going to hurt this lady's feelings. 00:35:34.901 --> 00:35:37.041 And then the same thing would be, oh, totally. 00:35:37.521 --> 00:35:41.381 But I'm not even arguing that. That's not a productive thought toward my value of honesty. 00:35:41.661 --> 00:35:47.501 So for me, it became a adventure, which is a core value of mine in and of itself, 00:35:47.701 --> 00:35:53.201 as I would enter each day ready to see, is this a major salt day or a minor salt day? 00:35:53.421 --> 00:35:57.321 And you can reach out to me through my website, contact at TonyOverBay.com. 00:35:57.461 --> 00:36:02.581 And I do have a values worksheet that I'll be happy to send you because I think 00:36:02.581 --> 00:36:07.061 one of the first steps to try to figure out is what are my core values? 00:36:07.341 --> 00:36:13.121 And I can't say this enough. When you start to recognize that it's okay to have 00:36:13.121 --> 00:36:16.701 different values than your parents or your community or your church or your 00:36:16.701 --> 00:36:20.101 friends or the things that, again, you think that you're supposed to value. 00:36:21.207 --> 00:36:25.427 Almost unlocks a door because then people will find two, three, 00:36:25.647 --> 00:36:30.347 four core values, and then they start to live by them, but they still hang on to those very rigidly. 00:36:30.487 --> 00:36:33.847 You didn't even really know what your values were just a little earlier, 00:36:33.847 --> 00:36:36.067 and now you've got these three or four core values. 00:36:36.307 --> 00:36:40.207 So in reality, start test driving them, and you may find, oh, 00:36:40.267 --> 00:36:43.227 actually, this isn't something that I value as much as I thought I would, 00:36:43.567 --> 00:36:46.607 even though now I'm allowed to pick my own values. 00:36:47.127 --> 00:36:53.307 And there's a pretty funny, little bit cheesy exercise to figure out your values in a very quick way. 00:36:53.527 --> 00:36:58.707 Now I highly recommend you can use an AI assistant, a chat GPT, 00:36:58.847 --> 00:37:02.267 a Claude, a perplexity, something like that, or reach out to me. 00:37:02.367 --> 00:37:07.427 I'll give you my values worksheet, or think about what you would want somebody 00:37:07.427 --> 00:37:12.967 to say at your funeral or not quite on your tombstone, but what they would write in your obituary. 00:37:13.247 --> 00:37:17.927 Again, might sound a little bit morbid, but he was a very curious person who 00:37:17.927 --> 00:37:23.307 was always there for others and was running with his grandkids right up until the day that he passed. 00:37:23.507 --> 00:37:28.307 So you can see there's some values there of curiosity or knowledge or adventure 00:37:28.307 --> 00:37:31.487 or fitness, and that might just give you a start. 00:37:31.667 --> 00:37:37.547 I did a training once about values and I loved the ACT clinician who gave the 00:37:37.547 --> 00:37:43.107 training, although I cannot remember their name, but she said that when a client will often say, 00:37:43.407 --> 00:37:47.407 okay, now I know I need to figure out my values, but I don't even know what my values are. 00:37:47.667 --> 00:37:53.807 That is still just a story that their brain is hooked to that keeps them from 00:37:53.807 --> 00:37:55.587 going out and figuring out their values. 00:37:55.747 --> 00:37:59.687 And she said that you can literally tell your client, okay, that's a, 00:37:59.727 --> 00:38:03.147 we're not even arguing if that's true or false. You haven't picked your values yet. 00:38:03.227 --> 00:38:08.607 So just go outside and start interacting with the world and walk by a flower 00:38:08.607 --> 00:38:11.847 and smell it. and you might realize that you like it or you don't. 00:38:12.394 --> 00:38:17.734 And this is why I think it's so important to do things because you're going 00:38:17.734 --> 00:38:21.314 to learn more about yourself as you do things and you're not doing them wrong. 00:38:21.594 --> 00:38:25.054 Every moment that you're interacting with the world, with a person, 00:38:25.214 --> 00:38:30.194 with a burrito, with a song, with a podcast is the first time that you've ever been you in that moment. 00:38:30.354 --> 00:38:33.434 And it's going to bring up some things, some questions, some thoughts, some feelings. 00:38:33.814 --> 00:38:40.894 And that is a wonderful you thing, something for you to take in and do a little 00:38:40.894 --> 00:38:44.634 self-confrontation and think, why does this bring up feelings or emotions? 00:38:44.794 --> 00:38:45.734 Why does this motivate me? 00:38:45.994 --> 00:38:50.434 Why does this not? Why do I want to turn this off now? Why do I want to listen 00:38:50.434 --> 00:38:51.674 to more of this person's stuff? 00:38:51.934 --> 00:38:54.554 So let's move on. This next part is fascinating. 00:38:54.854 --> 00:38:58.314 Perceived value versus perceived capability. And the first time I heard about 00:38:58.314 --> 00:39:01.534 this concept was with my friend Neil Hooper, 00:39:01.734 --> 00:39:06.654 who I brought on and I've rerun that podcast episode several times around this 00:39:06.654 --> 00:39:10.734 time of year because Neil is a big goals person. 00:39:10.734 --> 00:39:15.334 And he works with a lot of high achieving professionals. 00:39:15.854 --> 00:39:21.874 And he brought me into one of his courses to add the therapist flavor to, 00:39:21.874 --> 00:39:23.714 to the work that he was doing. 00:39:23.854 --> 00:39:27.174 And it was one of the most fun times that I've had of working with Neil. 00:39:27.394 --> 00:39:30.754 So Neil came on my podcast and he talked about goal setting. 00:39:31.054 --> 00:39:34.554 And I threw this act. I want to say at the time, it probably felt a little bit 00:39:34.554 --> 00:39:37.634 like a wet blanket over some of the things that he was talking about, 00:39:37.734 --> 00:39:39.994 but boy, we came to some powerful resolutions, 00:39:40.154 --> 00:39:43.054 but he brought some really interesting things to that episode. 00:39:43.174 --> 00:39:46.294 And I'll link that in the show notes because I still think it's one of the classic 00:39:46.294 --> 00:39:47.334 virtual couch episodes. 00:39:47.514 --> 00:39:51.174 But he talked about this fascinating research from Clemson University that looked 00:39:51.174 --> 00:39:55.334 at hundreds of factors to determine what actually impacts our drive toward goals. 00:39:55.714 --> 00:40:00.474 And he said they narrowed it down to two key ingredients, perceived value in 00:40:00.474 --> 00:40:03.614 the goal, and then perceived capability in achieving it. 00:40:03.754 --> 00:40:07.854 So in other words, do you actually care about this, kind of what we've been talking about? 00:40:08.194 --> 00:40:11.914 And do you actually believe that you can do it? And when either of those is 00:40:11.914 --> 00:40:14.614 missing your motivation, your drive to do it. 00:40:15.257 --> 00:40:19.437 Goes into the toilet. And this is exactly, I think, what ACT addresses. 00:40:20.017 --> 00:40:24.637 Values work is about clarifying your perceived value. And then acceptance and 00:40:24.637 --> 00:40:27.437 expansion are about addressing your perceived capability. 00:40:27.697 --> 00:40:30.417 So let me give you some examples of what this looks like when one or both of 00:40:30.417 --> 00:40:34.457 these ingredients is missing. High perceived value, but low perceived capability. 00:40:34.977 --> 00:40:38.557 That will lead to discouragement. So if somebody says, I want to lose 50 pounds, 00:40:38.677 --> 00:40:41.917 and they genuinely want it, maybe their doctors told them their health's at risk. 00:40:42.137 --> 00:40:46.697 They now have of grandkids. I know this one now also well, having an actual 00:40:46.697 --> 00:40:50.157 grandkid that you now all of a sudden want to be around and see this little 00:40:50.157 --> 00:40:52.977 guy grow up and do all kinds of cool things because he's awesome. 00:40:53.157 --> 00:40:57.377 Or maybe they just want to feel comfortable in their own skin again. So the value is there. 00:40:57.957 --> 00:41:00.337 There's a reason why they want to do this that matters to them. 00:41:00.417 --> 00:41:03.297 They care deeply, but then they think about what that actually requires, 00:41:03.497 --> 00:41:05.897 changing their entire relationship with food, cooking differently, 00:41:06.117 --> 00:41:07.817 exercising when they haven't moved their body in years. 00:41:08.137 --> 00:41:11.217 Maybe they've tried and failed before multiple times and their brain says, 00:41:11.377 --> 00:41:14.177 yeah, but we've never been able to do this. Why would this time be different? 00:41:14.497 --> 00:41:16.477 So that's a low perceived capability. 00:41:16.917 --> 00:41:21.837 So when you have the high value, but low capability, again, you'll end up feeling pretty discouraged. 00:41:21.997 --> 00:41:25.537 You may want something desperately, but if you don't believe that you can get 00:41:25.537 --> 00:41:27.477 it, that's a pretty painful place to live. 00:41:28.057 --> 00:41:30.597 And this is where people often give up before they even start. 00:41:30.717 --> 00:41:35.937 I'll just wait until I'm more motivated or I'll start when things calm down at work or next year. 00:41:36.755 --> 00:41:41.015 Because the discouragement feels like too heavy of a load to carry. 00:41:41.635 --> 00:41:44.135 So I guess that's another reason why they need to go to the gym. 00:41:44.515 --> 00:41:46.155 Old man pun intended there. 00:41:46.575 --> 00:41:52.915 So now flip that low perceived value, but high perceived capability that can lead to disengagement. 00:41:53.075 --> 00:41:56.875 So let's say you work in corporate America. I've actually had this example a 00:41:56.875 --> 00:41:59.895 couple of times this year. So it's really fascinating to work with people that 00:41:59.895 --> 00:42:00.635 are struggling with this. 00:42:00.855 --> 00:42:03.955 So your boss hands you some sort of new thing, a new initiative. 00:42:04.395 --> 00:42:08.075 Maybe they say you need to increase our social media engagement by 30% this 00:42:08.075 --> 00:42:09.155 quarter. There's a metric there. 00:42:09.435 --> 00:42:12.175 And the thing is, you know how to do it. You've got the skills. 00:42:12.415 --> 00:42:12.975 You've done this before. 00:42:13.135 --> 00:42:17.075 You also know that this is just another metric that this executive cares about 00:42:17.075 --> 00:42:18.915 so they can look good on their quarterly report. 00:42:19.435 --> 00:42:23.635 And you don't even really care so much about maybe the product that your company makes. 00:42:24.335 --> 00:42:27.835 So there's not a lot in that for you. Now, yes, honest days work, 00:42:27.995 --> 00:42:30.755 honest days pay, those sort of things are wonderful, but we're talking about 00:42:30.755 --> 00:42:34.375 you as a human and what you truly care about. Not the cliches. 00:42:35.179 --> 00:42:38.019 So you may struggle to see how this connects to anything meaningful, 00:42:38.019 --> 00:42:40.519 because I think we really do want purpose. 00:42:41.039 --> 00:42:44.499 So the value isn't there. So that's disengagement. You're going through the 00:42:44.499 --> 00:42:47.359 motions. You could even probably accomplish the goal because you can, 00:42:47.539 --> 00:42:49.479 but you're not driven. You're just showing up. 00:42:49.919 --> 00:42:53.999 And I think this happens a lot with New Year's resolutions. Somebody says, 00:42:54.239 --> 00:42:55.719 I should go to the gym. Well, why? 00:42:56.059 --> 00:42:58.719 Because everybody says it's good for you. Okay, but do you care? 00:42:59.259 --> 00:43:02.519 Maybe I guess so. That is a low perceived value. 00:43:02.899 --> 00:43:07.579 And even if you know how to go to the gym, let's say that there's a gym in your apartment complex. 00:43:07.839 --> 00:43:11.219 Let's say that your company offers you a free membership to a very nice gym 00:43:11.219 --> 00:43:12.319 that is literally on the way to work. 00:43:12.479 --> 00:43:15.539 And they even give you time to go to the gym. So even if it's that easy, 00:43:15.739 --> 00:43:19.779 you're not going to sustain it because age from the why, the why it matters 00:43:19.779 --> 00:43:21.199 or why do I really want to do it? 00:43:21.719 --> 00:43:24.719 So then think about the classic New Year's resolution. Somebody says something 00:43:24.719 --> 00:43:27.219 like, I'm going to go to the gym five days a week. So let's now check in with 00:43:27.219 --> 00:43:28.659 both of those factors. Perceived value. 00:43:29.439 --> 00:43:33.599 Why do you care? Is it because you genuinely value health and vitality and strength? 00:43:33.759 --> 00:43:38.459 Or is it because January 1st is a day on the calendar? It is now here. 00:43:38.799 --> 00:43:40.879 And now this is what I'm supposed to say. 00:43:41.379 --> 00:43:43.839 Because if it's that one, your perceived value is pretty low. 00:43:44.039 --> 00:43:45.599 You're disengaged before you even start. 00:43:45.979 --> 00:43:48.639 Now let's look at the perceived capability. Do you actually believe you can 00:43:48.639 --> 00:43:50.779 go to the gym five days a week? Do you have childcare? 00:43:51.099 --> 00:43:55.539 Do you have the time? Can you afford it? Have you had much success sustaining 00:43:55.539 --> 00:43:58.579 that level of consistency before and something that you haven't necessarily 00:43:58.579 --> 00:44:04.039 wanted to do? If the answer is no, then it's okay to admit that your perceived 00:44:04.039 --> 00:44:05.399 capability might be a little low. 00:44:06.309 --> 00:44:11.169 And so we need to acknowledge that you're possibly setting yourself up to feel 00:44:11.169 --> 00:44:12.409 very, very discouraged. 00:44:12.909 --> 00:44:17.929 So here's what's brutal about most New Year's resolutions. They're often low on both factors. 00:44:18.509 --> 00:44:22.409 A lot of times when people are setting these, you can maybe now check in with 00:44:22.409 --> 00:44:26.789 yourself and even see that you may not actually deeply care about the goal itself. 00:44:27.309 --> 00:44:30.669 And you don't find value in it. And you don't even really believe you can do it. 00:44:30.989 --> 00:44:34.689 So you start the year discouraged and disengaged. And that is a recipe I was 00:44:34.689 --> 00:44:37.949 going to say for quitting by February, but by second week of January, 00:44:37.949 --> 00:44:39.989 and then you beat yourself up. 00:44:40.369 --> 00:44:44.629 That's why, again, I will fanboy for acceptance and commitment therapy all day, 00:44:44.849 --> 00:44:46.589 every day, because it's this different path. 00:44:46.869 --> 00:44:49.209 Instead of starting with the goal of I'm going to go to the gym five days a 00:44:49.209 --> 00:44:53.109 week, let's find a value. What do you actually care about? Maybe it's the longevity. 00:44:53.389 --> 00:44:56.209 Maybe it's being able to play with the grandkids. Maybe it's feeling strong in your own body. 00:44:56.489 --> 00:44:59.569 That's perceived value. And then instead of demanding perfection from yourself, 00:44:59.709 --> 00:45:02.889 you practice expansion. I don't feel like going to the gym today becomes a thought. 00:45:03.369 --> 00:45:08.009 You have lots of thoughts and you can notice it. You can invite it to come along for the ride. 00:45:08.229 --> 00:45:11.129 You can even sit with it a little bit, mull it over. Where do I feel that? 00:45:11.229 --> 00:45:14.309 Do I feel my chest? Do I feel it in my stomach? What's the story my brain's telling me? 00:45:15.348 --> 00:45:19.348 That builds perceived capability even before you get to the gym, 00:45:19.568 --> 00:45:22.988 not because you suddenly believe you're Superman, because you learned that you're 00:45:22.988 --> 00:45:28.048 learning how to do things, even hard things, even when your brain is fighting you. 00:45:28.188 --> 00:45:32.048 And that is the difference between a socially compliant goal that sort of fizzles 00:45:32.048 --> 00:45:38.008 out and then a value driven life that sustains you, that helps you find a purpose, 00:45:38.188 --> 00:45:43.408 a sense of purpose and sneak preview for when you've lived that way for a while. 00:45:43.988 --> 00:45:45.608 Everything is pretty much figureoutable. 00:45:46.208 --> 00:45:49.768 And you'll notice that you have a lot of thoughts and emotions and feelings. 00:45:49.768 --> 00:45:52.428 And why do I hook to certain ones and not to others? 00:45:52.708 --> 00:45:55.408 And you get really good at the yeah, buts. Whenever you want to do something, 00:45:55.488 --> 00:45:59.288 almost every time you get a little bump of dopamine, oh man, that sounds good. 00:45:59.388 --> 00:46:03.228 And then I will sit back and say, all right, welcome aboard boys, 00:46:03.468 --> 00:46:05.608 meaning the yeah, buts, what do you got for me? 00:46:05.868 --> 00:46:08.088 And I can even acknowledge that that's a good point. 00:46:08.974 --> 00:46:13.454 Is just a story that you're telling me. And okay, I will acknowledge this other 00:46:13.454 --> 00:46:15.634 yeah, but over here, that's probably even correct. 00:46:16.054 --> 00:46:18.314 Jump on board. Let's go see if we can figure this thing out. 00:46:18.654 --> 00:46:22.254 So let me talk about how this shows up in therapy and why I moved from being 00:46:22.254 --> 00:46:26.174 a cognitive behavioral therapist to becoming an unapologetic act fanboy, 00:46:26.394 --> 00:46:27.734 which is I think the third use 00:46:27.734 --> 00:46:32.294 of the phrase fanboy, the word actually the fourth now in this episode. 00:46:32.414 --> 00:46:35.694 I started my career as a cognitive behavioral therapist. I was trained in CBT. 00:46:35.934 --> 00:46:39.454 I practiced CBT for close to 10 years. I saw people feel better with CBT. 00:46:39.634 --> 00:46:41.734 And I want to be so clear about this upfront. 00:46:42.154 --> 00:46:46.534 CBT absolutely has value. It's not wrong. It's not broken. And it helps a lot of people. 00:46:46.694 --> 00:46:51.154 At a very simple level, CBT starts from the idea that our thoughts influence 00:46:51.154 --> 00:46:53.374 our emotions and our emotions influence our behaviors. 00:46:53.594 --> 00:46:56.174 So if we're feeling bad or acting in ways that we don't like, 00:46:56.294 --> 00:47:00.414 the work often focuses on identifying unhelpful or distorted thoughts and then 00:47:00.414 --> 00:47:02.094 learning how to challenge them or reframe them. 00:47:02.474 --> 00:47:05.174 And again, to be fair, it can work, especially in the short term. 00:47:05.334 --> 00:47:06.434 Let me give you a really common example. 00:47:07.054 --> 00:47:10.234 Somebody comes into therapy upset because their girlfriend hasn't texted them back all day. 00:47:10.374 --> 00:47:13.354 Now, as a CBT therapist, I might say, okay, what's the automatic thought that 00:47:13.354 --> 00:47:16.014 you're having? And they might say, well, she obviously doesn't like me. 00:47:16.314 --> 00:47:20.534 We would label that as an automatic negative thought or an ant, 00:47:20.714 --> 00:47:22.014 A-N-T, automatic negative thought. 00:47:22.094 --> 00:47:25.154 And we're going to stomp out those ants, or we're going to call it your stinking thinking. 00:47:25.654 --> 00:47:28.314 And then we're going to challenge it. Hey, what's the evidence for that? 00:47:28.454 --> 00:47:30.114 Or what are some other possible explanations? 00:47:30.454 --> 00:47:33.694 And because the client, I think, here's where I'm inserting a lot of my opinion. 00:47:33.994 --> 00:47:37.434 I think that the client wants to be good at therapy. They want the validation 00:47:37.434 --> 00:47:39.814 of the therapist and I want to feel like a good therapist. 00:47:40.054 --> 00:47:44.694 So they might say things like, maybe she fell asleep. Maybe she lost her phone. I will validate that. 00:47:44.914 --> 00:47:48.454 I will validate the heck out of that and they will feel better and I will feel 00:47:48.454 --> 00:47:51.894 helpful and they will leave calmer than when they came in and I will pat myself 00:47:51.894 --> 00:47:56.194 on the back and then I will go out to the waiting room and bring the next client in and repeat. 00:47:56.554 --> 00:48:00.514 And again, that's not nothing. That absolutely matters. 00:48:01.304 --> 00:48:05.704 But then something might happen later that same day. So she still hasn't texted back. 00:48:06.244 --> 00:48:09.824 Suddenly to the client, the thought pops right back up and he says, 00:48:10.004 --> 00:48:14.844 no, it isn't that she doesn't have her phone. She genuinely doesn't like me. 00:48:15.204 --> 00:48:18.364 Only now there's a second layer. Okay. Why am I still thinking this? 00:48:18.444 --> 00:48:20.364 I should be better at this by now. I just went to therapy. 00:48:20.544 --> 00:48:24.544 I just paid a lot of money. He comes back the next week and we do it again and again and again. 00:48:24.664 --> 00:48:27.404 And over time, as I sat with people longer, not just for one session, 00:48:27.504 --> 00:48:31.484 but across several weeks, maybe even months, started noticing a bit of a pattern. 00:48:31.784 --> 00:48:35.084 Not that CBT wasn't necessarily working, but for many people, 00:48:35.164 --> 00:48:39.664 the work quietly shifted from living their lives to managing their minds. 00:48:39.984 --> 00:48:43.904 They became very good at spotting distorted thoughts, but then they became very 00:48:43.904 --> 00:48:46.524 frustrated that those thoughts didn't stop showing up. 00:48:46.684 --> 00:48:50.884 At one point, I was keeping little tally marks in my notes about how often people 00:48:50.884 --> 00:48:52.884 were saying, I know I should not think this. 00:48:53.404 --> 00:48:56.524 What is wrong with me? I keep thinking this. And thank 00:48:56.524 --> 00:48:59.324 goodness I was exploring acceptance and commitment therapy at 00:48:59.324 --> 00:49:02.484 that time because people can really have 00:49:02.484 --> 00:49:06.284 this internal negative dialogue which yeah those are your automatic negative 00:49:06.284 --> 00:49:11.524 thoughts but let's talk about why i think it's okay to acknowledge that they're 00:49:11.524 --> 00:49:15.444 there and to not beat yourself up and to not think you're doing something wrong 00:49:15.444 --> 00:49:19.464 and if i'm gonna go find my soapbox in my office here for a second, 00:49:20.044 --> 00:49:26.404 this is where i do i do believe that cbt has such a wonderful place in the mental health world. 00:49:27.078 --> 00:49:31.798 And I also am fairly confident that a lot of motivational speakers and life 00:49:31.798 --> 00:49:37.778 coaches and most therapists are trained in cognitive behavioral therapy right out of the gate, 00:49:37.938 --> 00:49:41.858 out of school or through their coaching certifications or when someone wants 00:49:41.858 --> 00:49:42.798 to become a public speaker. 00:49:42.938 --> 00:49:48.638 Because you can find a tremendous amount of video out there where you have some 00:49:48.638 --> 00:49:55.278 cool images and some nice music, maybe a bald eagle flying by and a mountain and the rushing water. 00:49:55.278 --> 00:49:58.278 And then there's these motivational words today. 00:49:58.558 --> 00:49:59.718 Today's the day first day the 00:49:59.718 --> 00:50:03.038 rest of your life Maybe a nice little guitar riff going in the background, 00:50:03.598 --> 00:50:06.678 And you are going to grab the bull by the horns and you're going to just show 00:50:06.678 --> 00:50:09.838 up and you're going to just take charge of your life And take charge of this 00:50:09.838 --> 00:50:15.698 day and it feels so good and you just are going to do it Then you go outside and you had a flat tire. 00:50:15.918 --> 00:50:20.018 No problem That that's an automatic negative thought that the universe is conspiring 00:50:20.018 --> 00:50:23.658 against me I'm, just gonna gonna pump this thing up and that you might even 00:50:23.658 --> 00:50:27.398 do it Now you're running a little late to work and then you miss a couple of 00:50:27.398 --> 00:50:29.598 lights and then starting to get down on yourself. 00:50:30.018 --> 00:50:33.718 And now all of a sudden there's traffic because you started a little bit later 00:50:33.718 --> 00:50:37.578 than you normally do. Now you're stuck in traffic and now you're just like, you know what? 00:50:38.238 --> 00:50:41.598 This sucks. And I can't even believe that I'm doing this again. 00:50:41.738 --> 00:50:43.258 And why couldn't I have just gotten up a little bit earlier? 00:50:43.438 --> 00:50:45.678 And I should have known that my tire would be flat. 00:50:45.978 --> 00:50:48.498 And then we just go down this path of beating ourselves up again. 00:50:49.498 --> 00:50:55.118 And in reality, that just happened. It's the first time that you ever were you in that day. 00:50:55.338 --> 00:50:57.798 So check that out. Had a little flat tire, started a little bit later. 00:50:58.138 --> 00:51:01.078 So you're not thinking wrong. Those are just thoughts. 00:51:01.458 --> 00:51:03.658 And so I find that often... 00:51:04.671 --> 00:51:10.191 Okay, and true confessions of the therapist. And I'm talking here about this value of authenticity. 00:51:10.571 --> 00:51:15.931 And I've got a lot of just really, I think, fun, amazing content coming in 2026 00:51:15.931 --> 00:51:18.271 around this about being my more authentic self. 00:51:18.831 --> 00:51:24.131 I get to work with some phenomenal people. I get to be a lot of therapists therapists. 00:51:24.491 --> 00:51:27.851 I have worked with motivational speakers. I've worked with a lot of life coaches 00:51:27.851 --> 00:51:29.331 where I am their therapist. 00:51:29.331 --> 00:51:33.751 And it's fascinating to work with people who will be putting out this kind of 00:51:33.751 --> 00:51:39.671 content or putting out this image who are struggling with this in their very own life. 00:51:39.671 --> 00:51:44.751 And so I worry often about this concept of projection that people are projecting out to the world. 00:51:44.911 --> 00:51:47.411 No, this is really who I am. See, look, I say these things. 00:51:47.591 --> 00:51:50.291 I can put these videos together. I can tell you to change your thoughts, 00:51:50.431 --> 00:51:54.551 change your life and stomp out those ants and don't do any more stinking thinking 00:51:54.551 --> 00:51:56.491 and choose this day that you're going to be happy. 00:51:57.431 --> 00:52:02.651 And if I put that content out, then maybe people will assume that that's the way I'm living my life. 00:52:03.654 --> 00:52:09.094 Versus acceptance of I'm having thoughts, I'm having feelings, 00:52:09.294 --> 00:52:10.214 this thing is happening. 00:52:10.574 --> 00:52:16.414 And that's where I often worry that while something like CBT is such a wonderful 00:52:16.414 --> 00:52:21.374 thing when somebody is coming into you and they have zero idea what to do and 00:52:21.374 --> 00:52:25.294 they are spiraling and they're thinking some pretty dark thoughts, 00:52:25.414 --> 00:52:29.134 then I will start from a cognitive behavioral therapy lens and say, okay, 00:52:29.354 --> 00:52:32.194 that's the wrong thought. What's the right thought? 00:52:32.714 --> 00:52:36.494 Let's just get you identifying that this is some distorted thinking. 00:52:36.714 --> 00:52:37.894 That's absolutely fine. 00:52:38.314 --> 00:52:43.834 But then we may want to quickly move into, but you're just thinking thoughts. You think a lot of them. 00:52:44.014 --> 00:52:48.494 If you allow yourself to not get stuck or caught or hooked on that thought of 00:52:48.494 --> 00:52:52.394 the, I'm a piece of garbage, there's probably another thought coming next, 00:52:52.554 --> 00:52:54.934 which might even be, I'm also thinking I need to go to the bathroom. 00:52:55.114 --> 00:52:58.914 Now I'm noticing that I'm wondering, is the latest season of Stranger Things 00:52:58.914 --> 00:53:00.014 all that is cracked up to be? 00:53:00.634 --> 00:53:05.754 Oh, but wait, I forgot. I'm also a piece of garbage. So, making space for having 00:53:05.754 --> 00:53:09.754 all the thoughts that you have, having a position of sitting back and being 00:53:09.754 --> 00:53:13.554 able to observe the thoughts is a pretty powerful place to operate from. 00:53:13.754 --> 00:53:17.714 Back to this narrative, again, not that CBT wasn't working for a lot of people, 00:53:17.794 --> 00:53:22.694 but you would watch people start trying to manage their thoughts and their minds. 00:53:23.667 --> 00:53:27.547 And they would get frustrated that they were still thinking certain things, 00:53:27.707 --> 00:53:31.987 even though they had this new tool and you can't not think something and nothing's 00:53:31.987 --> 00:53:35.287 wrong with you for thinking things because things pop up in your brain. 00:53:35.807 --> 00:53:39.147 And that's where I think my own curiosity really started to change the way that 00:53:39.147 --> 00:53:41.527 I practice because I began working with more and more people whose thoughts 00:53:41.527 --> 00:53:44.127 you start to acknowledge. They're not distortions at all. 00:53:44.287 --> 00:53:47.767 They're just there. They're learned. They're shaped by real experiences, 00:53:48.027 --> 00:53:53.447 by other people's judgments, by rejection, by humiliation, by lost opportunities, by trauma. 00:53:53.967 --> 00:53:57.907 And that's where ACT didn't just give me new tools. It changed the questions that I was asking. 00:53:58.407 --> 00:54:02.467 Now, one client in particular stands out, and I will tell the story every chance I get. 00:54:02.767 --> 00:54:06.247 He had been significantly overweight for a lot of his life, and when he lost 00:54:06.247 --> 00:54:09.847 weight, instead of feeling free, he more or less felt exposed. 00:54:09.967 --> 00:54:13.067 And he came into therapy saying, all right, I want connection with other humans, 00:54:13.207 --> 00:54:14.967 but everywhere I go, I feel like people are looking at me funny, 00:54:15.087 --> 00:54:15.887 and I think they're judging me. 00:54:16.247 --> 00:54:19.987 Now, from a traditional CBT lens, we could have worked on challenging that thought. 00:54:20.107 --> 00:54:22.807 I might have said things like, Like, what evidence do you have that people are judging you? 00:54:23.167 --> 00:54:25.407 And he tried to come up with alternative explanations. Okay, 00:54:25.567 --> 00:54:28.127 yeah, you're right. Maybe they're just curious. Maybe they're not actually looking at me. 00:54:28.507 --> 00:54:32.807 Maybe they like my outfit. Maybe he's misreading their expression. 00:54:33.227 --> 00:54:35.927 And he would leave feeling a little bit better. The anxiety would go down and 00:54:35.927 --> 00:54:39.747 we would both feel productive till later when he's back in public and somebody 00:54:39.747 --> 00:54:43.507 glances at him and the thought pops up again and he says, nope, they're judging me. 00:54:43.827 --> 00:54:46.247 And then that's where that second layer, why am I still thinking this? 00:54:46.327 --> 00:54:51.807 I should be better at this by now. I went to an ACT training while I was working with him. 00:54:51.887 --> 00:54:58.427 And it was almost like we had a before ACT and then an after ACT therapeutic experience. 00:54:58.727 --> 00:55:03.267 Because after learning acceptance and commitment therapy, then we were able to slow things down. 00:55:03.487 --> 00:55:07.107 And I was able to ask him, hey, tell me what your life had been like before 00:55:07.107 --> 00:55:08.047 the weight loss happened. 00:55:08.633 --> 00:55:11.673 And he had been heavy his entire life, even as a little kid. 00:55:12.053 --> 00:55:13.953 And then the picture changed completely. 00:55:14.373 --> 00:55:17.613 People had stared at him. People had mocked him. 00:55:18.073 --> 00:55:22.333 People had absolutely judged him openly to his face around his family. 00:55:22.873 --> 00:55:26.833 He told me a story, painful, humiliating, about an experience on an airplane 00:55:26.833 --> 00:55:28.713 that had led him to avoid flying for over a decade. 00:55:28.893 --> 00:55:32.473 So from an act lens, the question wasn't, hey, is that thought irrational? 00:55:32.673 --> 00:55:34.093 Is that an automatic negative thought? 00:55:34.313 --> 00:55:39.273 The question was, how could your brain not think this way? That is what it has felt like to be you. 00:55:39.673 --> 00:55:44.853 And that's where acceptance enters, not as a resignation, but more as realism. 00:55:45.473 --> 00:55:49.013 Acts starts by saying, you're not broken. Your mind learns something based on 00:55:49.013 --> 00:55:51.533 your real human experiences, and you're the only version of you that's ever 00:55:51.533 --> 00:55:54.433 walked the face of the earth. Here's where I love to insert my take on that. 00:55:54.953 --> 00:55:57.273 You're this unique combination of your nature and your nurture, 00:55:57.413 --> 00:55:59.613 your birth order, your DNA, your abandonment, your hopes, your dreams, 00:55:59.693 --> 00:56:00.653 your fears, your rejections. 00:56:01.573 --> 00:56:05.693 All of those things make you, you. And that is why you think and feel the way 00:56:05.693 --> 00:56:09.693 that you do. So, instead of trying to eliminate the thought for this guy, 00:56:09.833 --> 00:56:14.233 we acknowledge that, oh, that is a thought and I can even validate that makes a lot of sense. 00:56:15.013 --> 00:56:18.793 Then if he were to say, well, how do I get rid of it? Then I can confidently 00:56:18.793 --> 00:56:21.133 say, oh, that is not what we're here to do, my friend. 00:56:21.930 --> 00:56:24.370 How do we accept it? How do we make room for it? Because yeah, 00:56:24.430 --> 00:56:25.150 it's going to show up again. 00:56:25.730 --> 00:56:31.010 So we ask a different question altogether. If the thought is here, well, okay, it is. 00:56:31.470 --> 00:56:34.370 But tell me what kind of life you want to live. And for this client, 00:56:34.510 --> 00:56:38.070 the answer wasn't confidence or comfort. It was about connection with others. 00:56:38.190 --> 00:56:41.310 He wanted friends. He wanted belonging. He wanted to find his tribe, his people. 00:56:41.650 --> 00:56:45.110 So the work shifted not toward controlling his thoughts or managing his emotions, 00:56:45.310 --> 00:56:47.710 but toward changing his relationship with his thoughts and emotions. 00:56:48.210 --> 00:56:51.670 So now when those thoughts show up, they're judging me. We don't argue with it. 00:56:51.930 --> 00:56:54.430 We don't debate whether it's true or false. We simply notice it. 00:56:54.650 --> 00:56:59.510 And then we ask, okay, is following this thought helping you move toward your value of connection? 00:56:59.890 --> 00:57:05.370 And if the answer is no, then the work becomes about making room for the thought and continuing anyway. 00:57:05.590 --> 00:57:07.810 This is where ACT can really start to feel different as well. 00:57:07.950 --> 00:57:09.610 There's a lot of metaphors in ACT. 00:57:09.730 --> 00:57:12.830 And one of my favorite ways to explain this comes from a classic ACT metaphor 00:57:12.830 --> 00:57:14.550 called passengers on the bus. 00:57:14.750 --> 00:57:19.070 So imagine you're the driver of a bus and the bus is your life and your values. 00:57:19.210 --> 00:57:21.610 Things like connection and friendship and honesty and courage. 00:57:22.170 --> 00:57:24.330 And authenticity and fitness. 00:57:25.030 --> 00:57:28.950 Those are the destinations that you are driving toward. Again, 00:57:29.170 --> 00:57:32.410 they're not a, I'm going to get there, but I'm just, I'm moving toward them in that direction. 00:57:32.850 --> 00:57:36.850 Now on this bus, you have passengers. Some of us have a whole lot of passengers. 00:57:37.050 --> 00:57:39.970 Some of them are great and they're nice. And some of them are very encouraging. 00:57:40.410 --> 00:57:44.250 And a lot of them are very loud and aggressive and deeply unhelpful. 00:57:44.630 --> 00:57:47.510 So in this situation, one of the passengers stands up and starts yelling, 00:57:47.710 --> 00:57:49.430 Hey, you suck at driving. 00:57:49.670 --> 00:57:52.510 Everybody's judging you. They also think you look pretty weird that you don't 00:57:52.510 --> 00:57:54.170 even belong here driving a bus. 00:57:54.650 --> 00:57:58.490 And then here's the key part. That passenger, some of the things might be telling 00:57:58.490 --> 00:58:01.570 the truth, or they might be exaggerating, or they might be completely wrong. 00:58:02.330 --> 00:58:06.150 Act doesn't require you to figure that out. What matters is this, 00:58:06.390 --> 00:58:09.110 that passenger is not driving the bus. 00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:13.600 In most of our lives, what happens is we'll pull the bus over and we'll stop 00:58:13.600 --> 00:58:16.920 moving toward what matters and we'll turn around and we'll start arguing with the passenger. 00:58:17.140 --> 00:58:20.940 And we try to reason with them and we try to prove to them and we try to get them to understand. 00:58:21.180 --> 00:58:24.260 We try to throw them off the bus. We try to not hear them. 00:58:24.620 --> 00:58:27.520 And the irony is the more that we engage with the passenger, 00:58:27.740 --> 00:58:34.220 the more control they get and the further from our value we're moving toward. 00:58:34.460 --> 00:58:38.440 So ACT offers this different move. It says, oh, I hear you. It would be wonderful 00:58:38.440 --> 00:58:43.080 if you take a seat, but you don't let them touch the steering wheel. 00:58:43.220 --> 00:58:45.760 So now that thought, they're judging me, gets a seat. It's uncomfortable. 00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:48.320 It's probably sitting right up in the front. It's loud. It's annoying. 00:58:48.540 --> 00:58:52.980 But you're driving and you are still looking in front, looking ahead. 00:58:53.300 --> 00:58:56.980 And you still show up to where you need to go. And you still move toward connection. 00:58:57.360 --> 00:58:59.700 And this is the part that people don't always love at first, 00:58:59.740 --> 00:59:02.540 but it is so freeing once it lands. 00:59:02.920 --> 00:59:06.560 You don't have to wait for the passengers to quiet down before you live your life. 00:59:07.000 --> 00:59:11.260 You don't have to get rid of fear to be courageous. You don't have to eliminate 00:59:11.260 --> 00:59:13.480 your anxiety to do things, to be connected. 00:59:13.760 --> 00:59:16.820 You don't have to feel confident to take a meaningful step. 00:59:17.140 --> 00:59:20.340 You just have to keep driving the bus in the direction of what matters. 00:59:20.520 --> 00:59:23.420 And over time, something very interesting happens. 00:59:23.680 --> 00:59:27.860 The passengers are still there, but they kind of get quieter. 00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:30.000 But it's not because you silence them. 00:59:30.440 --> 00:59:37.180 You just stop letting them run your life. they become repetitive acoustic stimuli or white noise. 00:59:38.674 --> 00:59:41.794 Why is this so liberating? So this client in this situation learned that he 00:59:41.794 --> 00:59:44.334 could feel anxious and seek connection. 00:59:44.554 --> 00:59:48.034 He could feel exposed and also still be courageous. 00:59:48.274 --> 00:59:51.074 He could hear the old story that his brain is trying to tell him, 00:59:51.154 --> 00:59:54.994 but also know that he's creating a new chapter through the action that he's taking. 00:59:55.274 --> 00:59:58.654 And sometimes the connection landed and sometimes it didn't. 00:59:58.754 --> 01:00:02.414 And that's why it isn't necessarily this outcome independent. 01:00:02.414 --> 01:00:06.874 I made it to the destination because either way, he left feeling something deeper 01:00:06.874 --> 01:00:10.734 than relief from his anxiety. He felt integrity. 01:00:11.034 --> 01:00:14.494 He felt his own agency. He felt aligned with who he wanted to be. 01:00:14.654 --> 01:00:17.494 He never even exactly knew who he wanted to be. 01:00:18.194 --> 01:00:22.754 And over time, interestingly enough, the thoughts soften, not because we fought 01:00:22.754 --> 01:00:26.634 them, but because they stopped running the show, because you expanded your capacity. 01:00:27.414 --> 01:00:32.834 You made more room for them. And this is why ACT became home for me as a therapist. 01:00:33.114 --> 01:00:36.854 Not because CBT was wrong, but because ACT matched what I kept seeing again 01:00:36.854 --> 01:00:41.634 and again in real people's healing journeys and what started to truly heal myself. 01:00:42.788 --> 01:00:47.868 People don't heal by becoming better thinkers. They heal by becoming freer humans. 01:00:48.368 --> 01:00:51.288 And ACT gave me a language and a framework from that freedom. 01:00:51.488 --> 01:00:54.768 And here's another thing that Neil Hooper had helped me with. 01:00:55.668 --> 01:00:59.128 Something practical you can do with this. And on this podcast, 01:00:59.328 --> 01:01:01.628 we developed what we called the Get Back on the Saddle Plan. 01:01:01.788 --> 01:01:06.248 Because the reality is, you are going to have off days. That's to be expected. 01:01:06.508 --> 01:01:10.188 You're going to forget to do things. You're going to skip going to the gym. 01:01:10.188 --> 01:01:13.228 You're going to have days where you don't eat perfectly and 01:01:13.228 --> 01:01:16.448 that is not failure that's part of being a human being because every single 01:01:16.448 --> 01:01:19.368 moment every day is the first time you've ever been you in 01:01:19.368 --> 01:01:22.468 that moment so instead of waiting for the shame to kick in we 01:01:22.468 --> 01:01:26.668 created a little five-step plan for what you'll do when you notice that you've 01:01:26.668 --> 01:01:31.408 gotten off track first notice without judgment let's do the push-up example 01:01:31.408 --> 01:01:36.608 i notice that i have not done push-ups in three days that is a thing that is 01:01:36.608 --> 01:01:40.348 fascinating it is interesting and it is definitely something I've noticed, 01:01:41.128 --> 01:01:45.108 notice there there is no what's wrong with me I'm such a piece of garbage I 01:01:45.108 --> 01:01:49.068 knew this was going to happen none of that is welcome in this dojo. 01:01:50.188 --> 01:01:53.328 So step one, notice without judgment. Step two, name the thought that's showing 01:01:53.328 --> 01:01:56.288 up. Oh, my brain is telling me the old I'm lazy story. 01:01:57.208 --> 01:02:02.688 Okay, period. I'm not even arguing that. That is the thought. That is the story. 01:02:03.308 --> 01:02:06.208 Step three, invite that story to come along with you. 01:02:07.208 --> 01:02:10.668 Hey, you think I'm lazy brain story? Why don't you come with me? 01:02:10.988 --> 01:02:13.648 And then step four, get just one little quick win. 01:02:13.988 --> 01:02:19.588 Something small, five push-ups, 10 push-ups. or if it's about the value of knowledge 01:02:19.588 --> 01:02:23.168 and reading is the vehicle, read a sentence, a paragraph. 01:02:23.648 --> 01:02:27.348 If it's about fitness, take a walk around the block or walk to the bathroom 01:02:27.348 --> 01:02:30.848 in your building or go up a flight of stairs and back. Get one quick win. 01:02:31.668 --> 01:02:36.148 Step five, keep going because the goal is imperfection. It's continuing. 01:02:36.468 --> 01:02:40.048 It's doing. That's it. And you can write those five steps down. 01:02:40.188 --> 01:02:41.628 Reach out to me. I'll give you those as well. 01:02:42.108 --> 01:02:46.628 Because when you wobble and you will, you'll want to reduce the friction to getting back on track. 01:02:47.370 --> 01:02:52.710 Because what you're also training your brain to do is that when I notice that 01:02:52.710 --> 01:02:56.930 I am not doing the thing that I wanted to do or that I was pretty sure I wanted 01:02:56.930 --> 01:02:58.270 to do, first of all, I can do a quick check-in. 01:02:58.590 --> 01:03:02.650 Is this truly something that matters to me? And if it is, okay, thank you, brain. 01:03:03.270 --> 01:03:06.330 And now I can do the thing again, even if my brain says, yeah, 01:03:06.450 --> 01:03:08.190 but you might not even keep doing it. 01:03:08.370 --> 01:03:11.430 It's like not even arguing that, not a productive thought for right now, 01:03:11.430 --> 01:03:15.310 because you want to make things as figureoutable, as doable, 01:03:15.510 --> 01:03:18.470 as easy as possible to just start again, to get back on the saddle. 01:03:18.770 --> 01:03:22.590 That's the work. It's not never falling off. And it's certainly not telling 01:03:22.590 --> 01:03:24.610 yourself that something's wrong with you. 01:03:25.010 --> 01:03:29.450 You're just doing it. It's a thing. It just is. So get back on the saddle. 01:03:29.690 --> 01:03:33.810 Now, from an ACT lens, I would say you don't necessarily become what you think. 01:03:33.950 --> 01:03:36.010 And thank goodness for that because our thoughts can be pretty harsh. 01:03:36.250 --> 01:03:40.730 But instead, ACT will say you maybe become what you do in response to what you think. 01:03:40.870 --> 01:03:43.870 The thought I'm not good enough doesn't make you not good enough. 01:03:43.990 --> 01:03:46.830 But if you believe the thought and then you pull the bus over and refuse to 01:03:46.830 --> 01:03:48.950 drive toward connection or toward growth or toward what matters, 01:03:49.130 --> 01:03:51.610 that's when it impacts who you become. 01:03:51.830 --> 01:03:57.070 I do think it's really important to talk to yourself kindly. 01:03:57.390 --> 01:04:01.910 And I'm convinced because it's been a big part of my own life is that as you 01:04:01.910 --> 01:04:05.350 take this journey that I'm talking about today through acceptance and commitment 01:04:05.350 --> 01:04:10.070 therapy, that when you can start to recognize that I'm not broken, I'm human. 01:04:10.250 --> 01:04:12.450 This is the first time I've ever been me going through life. 01:04:12.750 --> 01:04:15.830 So I do and think and feel the way that I do because I do. 01:04:16.350 --> 01:04:19.550 It's a lot more easy to just check that out, to look at it as data. 01:04:20.292 --> 01:04:23.852 And then what do i want to do with that as i move forward if 01:04:23.852 --> 01:04:26.632 you can really commit to this that it takes a 01:04:26.632 --> 01:04:29.412 fair amount of time i think it does take it can take a 01:04:29.412 --> 01:04:32.172 year it can take a couple of years till eventually all of 01:04:32.172 --> 01:04:37.092 a sudden the internal monologue in your brain your implicit memory or what it 01:04:37.092 --> 01:04:40.472 feels like to be you which again is based off of the very slow residue of your 01:04:40.472 --> 01:04:46.952 lived experience starts to be okay you notice that it has been quite a long 01:04:46.952 --> 01:04:51.392 time since you've told yourself that you are broken or not doing things right. 01:04:51.412 --> 01:04:53.832 You're just doing things and now check that out. 01:04:53.972 --> 01:04:57.172 It's learning how to change the relationship with your thoughts, 01:04:57.372 --> 01:05:00.412 with your emotions, which will impact how you speak to yourself. 01:05:01.252 --> 01:05:04.712 When your mind says you're lazy, don't argue with it. You don't have to replace 01:05:04.712 --> 01:05:06.112 it with, no, I'm hardworking. 01:05:06.232 --> 01:05:09.952 Although if that is something that helps you, then please do continue to do that. 01:05:10.092 --> 01:05:15.352 But what I found very effective is you notice, oh, there's the I'm lazy story again. 01:05:15.692 --> 01:05:19.452 And that's just a passenger on the bus. I'm still driving. Because the truth 01:05:19.452 --> 01:05:21.912 that ACT keeps coming back to is you're not broken. You're human. 01:05:22.072 --> 01:05:26.092 And nobody else knows exactly what it feels like to be you, regardless of what they think or say. 01:05:26.432 --> 01:05:31.412 So therefore, you are never doing you wrong. You think what you think and you 01:05:31.412 --> 01:05:34.352 feel what you feel because you do, because you're the only version of you to 01:05:34.352 --> 01:05:36.012 ever walk the face of the earth. 01:05:36.192 --> 01:05:42.532 I genuinely believe that change will come, but you need the right tools and 01:05:42.532 --> 01:05:47.652 you need to be somewhat consistent, but also incredibly forgiving. 01:05:47.932 --> 01:05:53.932 And by consistent, it really boils down to trying again when you realize that you aren't doing. 01:05:54.232 --> 01:05:59.692 That's the work, not perfection, not never wobbling. just noticing when you've 01:05:59.692 --> 01:06:03.992 stopped and starting again and being able to check that out. 01:06:04.132 --> 01:06:05.352 Is this something that really matters to me? 01:06:05.572 --> 01:06:09.892 Here's something else that I think ACT does such an amazing job and makes really clear. 01:06:10.112 --> 01:06:13.812 Your emotions are not problems to get rid of. They're signals to pay attention to. 01:06:14.372 --> 01:06:18.392 But most of us, since we were young, we're told that our emotions were incorrect or not welcome. 01:06:18.792 --> 01:06:21.632 Things like, don't worry about it. Calm down. You're fine. Stop crying. 01:06:21.872 --> 01:06:25.552 We learn to avoid them, to push them down, to distract ourselves from our emotions 01:06:25.552 --> 01:06:28.912 and to think that, wow, I thought that it was a big deal, but apparently I'm 01:06:28.912 --> 01:06:30.192 being told right now that it's not. 01:06:30.292 --> 01:06:32.972 So my emotions and my feelings must be wrong. 01:06:33.192 --> 01:06:36.232 But Acts says, what if you could feel anxious and still be courageous? 01:06:36.652 --> 01:06:40.492 What if you could be uncertain and still take action? What if you could feel 01:06:40.492 --> 01:06:42.232 exposed and still choose connection? 01:06:43.077 --> 01:06:46.937 That's expansion. It's making room for the feeling and moving forward anyway. And fear. 01:06:47.657 --> 01:06:52.277 Fear actually exposes some amazing growth opportunities. Because if everything 01:06:52.277 --> 01:06:56.157 ultimately is a me thing, and it is, then why am I afraid right now? 01:06:56.777 --> 01:07:00.737 Why is it that I'm scared? Or what am I scared of? Is it embarrassment? 01:07:01.117 --> 01:07:06.017 Is it doing something wrong? And yes, I'm using air quotes. Is it this expectation 01:07:06.017 --> 01:07:07.477 that I should already know how to do something? 01:07:07.737 --> 01:07:10.317 Well, says who? That's a passenger. It's a loud one. 01:07:10.897 --> 01:07:13.757 Maybe it's one that's been on the bus for a long time, but it's still just a passenger. 01:07:14.377 --> 01:07:19.197 And this leads me to something I find very liberating and important. 01:07:19.397 --> 01:07:22.237 And I believe this so much. 01:07:22.457 --> 01:07:28.517 What if I were to tell you for right now, let's make right and wrong hindsight principles. 01:07:29.257 --> 01:07:33.517 Because if I say something and somebody likes what I said, does that make it right? 01:07:33.697 --> 01:07:36.517 Because somebody else may hear the same thing and say, I actually don't like 01:07:36.517 --> 01:07:38.577 what this guy said. Oh, no. Is it wrong? 01:07:39.177 --> 01:07:42.097 ACT doesn't ask you to figure out if you're doing it right. ACT says, 01:07:42.337 --> 01:07:43.977 are you doing it in alignment with your values? 01:07:44.397 --> 01:07:51.417 Is this something that you are doing that moves you closer toward purpose? 01:07:52.377 --> 01:07:55.717 That's a question only you can answer, not your parents, not your spouse, 01:07:55.957 --> 01:08:01.777 not your church, not your friends, not society, just you and the person in the mirror, which is you. 01:08:01.937 --> 01:08:05.037 So let's wrap this thing up. As we head into this new year, I want to leave you with this. 01:08:05.177 --> 01:08:07.917 You don't even need a perfect plan. You don't have to have it all figured out. 01:08:07.917 --> 01:08:10.437 You don't need to wait until you feel confident or motivated or ready. 01:08:10.597 --> 01:08:15.617 You just need to know what matters to you. And that is a journey to begin. 01:08:16.397 --> 01:08:20.757 Not what should matter. Not what matters to everybody else. Not what sounds impressive. 01:08:20.977 --> 01:08:26.777 What matters to you? And it's okay if most of you listening are going to think, actually, I don't know. 01:08:27.157 --> 01:08:30.477 That is the number one answer of the Family Feud version of this game. 01:08:31.437 --> 01:08:36.737 And then be willing to take one small step in a direction. I was going to say 01:08:36.737 --> 01:08:38.877 that direction, but who knows what that direction is? 01:08:39.457 --> 01:08:43.197 Any direction. And you're going to start interacting with others and life and 01:08:43.197 --> 01:08:46.897 things that will help you know, I like this, this I'm not a fan of, 01:08:46.977 --> 01:08:50.017 and this is going to help you start figuring out what you care about. 01:08:50.197 --> 01:08:53.257 So taking that small step in any direction, even when your brain is screaming 01:08:53.257 --> 01:08:57.297 at you to stop and giving you the yeah buts, even when passengers on your bus 01:08:57.297 --> 01:08:59.917 are loud and obnoxious and telling you all the reasons this isn't going to work. 01:08:59.917 --> 01:09:04.057 Or even when you forget for three days or three weeks or three months to do push-ups. 01:09:04.397 --> 01:09:08.357 Because here's what I know after 20 years of doing this kind of work, 01:09:08.957 --> 01:09:13.677 people don't heal by becoming better thinkers. They don't even necessarily heal 01:09:13.677 --> 01:09:16.317 by eliminating anxiety or fear or self-doubt. 01:09:16.657 --> 01:09:21.677 People heal by accepting that they are a human being going through life for the first time. 01:09:22.137 --> 01:09:25.777 Carl Rogers, great psychologist, has the curious paradox. 01:09:25.957 --> 01:09:30.497 Once I accept myself as I am, then I can change. And I even wonder at times, 01:09:30.717 --> 01:09:35.797 if you throw an act lens on it, it's maybe that once I accept myself as I am, then I am. 01:09:36.617 --> 01:09:41.037 And now, if I want to change, well, I can figure out what that looks like. 01:09:42.195 --> 01:09:46.275 It starts from a place of acceptance. People heal by becoming freer human beings. 01:09:46.295 --> 01:09:50.655 They heal by learning that they can carry discomfort and still move toward what matters. 01:09:50.875 --> 01:09:56.575 That they can sit with their emotions and they aren't always these terrifying, scary things. 01:09:56.715 --> 01:10:01.955 They can actually be messengers telling you things to move toward or things to be aware of. 01:10:02.515 --> 01:10:06.315 People heal by discovering that a little uncertainty and some wobbling isn't 01:10:06.315 --> 01:10:07.715 failure. It's part of the process. 01:10:07.855 --> 01:10:11.075 And they heal by realizing that the goal isn't to silence the passengers on 01:10:11.075 --> 01:10:13.275 the bus. the goal is to keep driving even when they're loud. 01:10:13.955 --> 01:10:18.275 So forget the lag measures. Maybe don't worry as much about the 12 books or 01:10:18.275 --> 01:10:22.715 the 50 pounds or the impressive sounding goals that you can tick off and then 01:10:22.715 --> 01:10:26.415 post on Instagram or things that you think you should care about. 01:10:26.575 --> 01:10:29.515 Ask yourself, what's the lead measure? What's the daily action I can take that 01:10:29.515 --> 01:10:30.975 aligns with something that I actually value? 01:10:31.295 --> 01:10:34.075 And then do it today. Not perfectly, just do it. 01:10:34.575 --> 01:10:37.675 And then if you forget to do it, because you probably will, remember to get 01:10:37.675 --> 01:10:38.915 back on the saddle again. 01:10:39.495 --> 01:10:42.895 Notice without judgment. Name the thought. Invite it to come along. 01:10:43.055 --> 01:10:46.575 Get a quick win and just keep going. That's it. Rinse and repeat. 01:10:47.035 --> 01:10:49.875 That's the whole thing. You don't have to wait for perfect conditions. 01:10:50.015 --> 01:10:53.635 You don't have to wait until Monday. You don't have to wait until the next semester. 01:10:54.055 --> 01:10:57.255 You don't have to wait until you get the new house, till the kids are out of 01:10:57.255 --> 01:11:00.855 the house, till you have the six-pack abs or the raise. 01:11:01.075 --> 01:11:04.075 And you don't have to eliminate the fear before you act courageously. 01:11:04.375 --> 01:11:06.935 You don't have to feel confident before you take a meaningful step. 01:11:07.575 --> 01:11:11.715 You just have to be willing to drive the bus. And I promise that if you do that, 01:11:11.815 --> 01:11:14.955 if you keep showing up to what matters, even when it's hard, 01:11:15.095 --> 01:11:17.515 even when you don't feel like it, even when the passengers are loud, 01:11:17.775 --> 01:11:22.515 again, you won't just achieve goals, you'll find purpose, you'll build a life, 01:11:22.575 --> 01:11:25.835 a life that feels like yours, you'll know what matters to you, 01:11:26.015 --> 01:11:29.035 a life where you're not running from discomfort and you're not continually... 01:11:30.285 --> 01:11:34.005 Experientially avoiding things. You're moving more toward meaning. 01:11:34.165 --> 01:11:37.805 And then as you find more meaning, you will find more opportunity for growth. 01:11:37.965 --> 01:11:41.905 You'll find yourself having a life where your worth isn't dependent on outcomes 01:11:41.905 --> 01:11:43.185 or the validation of other people. 01:11:43.305 --> 01:11:46.005 It's more grounded in integrity and purpose. 01:11:46.445 --> 01:11:52.305 And that, to me, is what makes this all worth it. Here is to the new year. 01:11:52.925 --> 01:11:57.685 Not as if it has to be this big, dramatic, fresh start or a clean slate or a 01:11:57.685 --> 01:12:02.445 chance to finally get it right, but more as another opportunity to drive the 01:12:02.445 --> 01:12:05.625 bus in the direction of what matters, passengers and all. 01:12:06.185 --> 01:12:10.745 Thank you everybody for your support this year. I hope that you have an amazing 01:12:10.745 --> 01:12:12.665 new year, taking us out per usual. 01:12:12.925 --> 01:12:16.385 The wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with her song, it's wonderful because 01:12:16.385 --> 01:12:19.925 man, you're not really seeing that life can be wonderful. 01:12:20.185 --> 01:12:26.005 That is an indication from your emotions saying, well, then do me a favor and 01:12:26.005 --> 01:12:27.585 figure out how to make it wonderful. 01:12:27.785 --> 01:12:32.705 Figuring out what really matters to these values and learning to take action 01:12:32.705 --> 01:12:39.365 on them is going to be a big part of figuring out how to make things a lot more wonderful. 01:12:39.645 --> 01:12:41.965 We'll see you next year on The Virtual Couch.