WEBVTT 00:00:06.796 --> 00:00:12.406 In a world where appearances can be deceiving, Blake, a graphic designer in his 30s, seemingly 00:00:12.406 --> 00:00:18.400 has it all. But beneath the surface, a storm rages, a voice constantly whispering, 00:00:18.553 --> 00:00:24.531 you're not enough. As conversations about mental health echo louder, Blake's isolation deepens, 00:00:24.756 --> 00:00:30.646 the weight of despair grows, almost pushing him to the edge. But one message, one podcast, 00:00:30.646 --> 00:00:35.686 changes everything. That's the part where if I had a better budget and you were watching this 00:00:35.686 --> 00:00:40.086 on video, the stage directions are cut to a close-up of Blake's phone screen playing 00:00:40.086 --> 00:00:44.030 Tony Overbay's podcast, and then the room starts to brighten subtly. Anyway, back to 00:00:44.326 --> 00:00:48.468 the movie trailer. Embark on a journey of transformation and self-discovery. From the, 00:00:49.166 --> 00:00:53.914 precipice of despair to the path of enlightenment, discover the power of perspective, hope, and 00:00:54.246 --> 00:00:58.926 the stories we tell ourselves. Blake's story is a testament to the resilience of the human 00:00:58.926 --> 00:01:05.392 spirit, a beacon for all who seek light in the darkest of times. Coming soon, find hope, 00:01:05.806 --> 00:01:10.686 find yourself, and discover that the world awaits your unique touch. 00:01:11.504 --> 00:01:15.806 And then that's the part where the music would fade out on the trailer. But before we get started 00:01:15.806 --> 00:01:21.006 today, I really do want to tell you a story about Blake. And actually, I've always wanted to do the 00:01:21.006 --> 00:01:25.539 movie, trailer, voice, and it really wasn't as impressive as I thought it was. But let me tell. 00:01:26.766 --> 00:01:31.166 Tell you about Blake. Blake was in his 30s and he was a graphic designer. And he always 00:01:31.166 --> 00:01:35.926 felt like he was on the periphery of life, watching it go by, but never really participating. 00:01:35.926 --> 00:01:39.706 Now to the world, he seemed to have it all, a decent job, a very comfortable apartment 00:01:39.706 --> 00:01:43.472 and a really cool town, and even a group of friends that he would hang out with on occasion. 00:01:43.906 --> 00:01:48.946 But inside, there was an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, a nagging voice that continually 00:01:48.946 --> 00:01:53.926 reminded him, you're not enough. Why? Why can't you be like everybody else? And every 00:01:53.926 --> 00:01:59.892 small setback, be it a missed deadline or a misunderstood comment from a friend, it, 00:02:00.446 --> 00:02:06.526 was like a punch to his self-worth, and this voice would chime in, and it seemed like every 00:02:06.877 --> 00:02:12.406 incident, every emotion, everything was filtered through this very self-critical lens, and 00:02:12.406 --> 00:02:17.886 it reinforced this dark narrative in his mind. Now, his awareness of rising discussions about 00:02:17.886 --> 00:02:22.046 mental health and society actually seemed to make things worse. It made him isolate. 00:02:22.938 --> 00:02:26.700 At one point he told me, everybody's talking about it, so why do I feel worse? 00:02:27.268 --> 00:02:29.914 And then he would wonder. He said it felt paradoxical. 00:02:30.589 --> 00:02:36.046 Instead of finding happiness or calm or solace in hanging out with other people, 00:02:36.046 --> 00:02:42.046 in this shared human experience, he felt even more alienated because he felt like he must really be fundamentally flawed 00:02:42.046 --> 00:02:44.046 and it had to be in ways that other people weren't. 00:02:44.046 --> 00:02:51.043 They couldn't be having this same experience. And as days turned into weeks and the weight of these feelings grew heavier and heavier, 00:02:51.826 --> 00:02:55.598 then the once sporadic thoughts of giving up started to dominate. 00:02:56.426 --> 00:03:00.196 And he hit the point where even in his darkest moments, Blake seriously considered. 00:03:01.188 --> 00:03:04.836 What if I just didn't have to feel this way anymore? And it seemed like the only escape 00:03:04.836 --> 00:03:11.118 from this whole barrage of negative self-talk and just feeling like being perpetually stuck, 00:03:11.559 --> 00:03:17.476 was the old, I just hope I get hit by a meteor story. And if you've heard me talk about this 00:03:17.476 --> 00:03:23.156 before, the brain is a don't get killed device. It wants to live. And so it goes through, hey, 00:03:23.156 --> 00:03:24.996 hey, how about some, how about a little bit of anxiety? 00:03:24.996 --> 00:03:28.033 How about maybe even some depression? What can I do to get your attention? 00:03:28.676 --> 00:03:34.578 And then if we don't pay attention to our body and to our environment and to our feelings and thoughts, 00:03:34.956 --> 00:03:37.916 then it might even start to try the, you know, I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal, 00:03:37.916 --> 00:03:41.788 but sometimes I feel like I just wish I just would get hit by a meteor. 00:03:42.446 --> 00:03:46.803 And Blake was there. So then one evening, he was just scrolling through his phone 00:03:47.055 --> 00:03:48.972 and an old college friend sent him a message. 00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:52.636 And they just said, hey Blake, I was listening to a podcast episode today. 00:03:52.636 --> 00:03:56.256 It was something that my mom had actually sent me, and it reminded me of some of the 00:03:56.256 --> 00:03:58.236 conversations that we used to have back in college. 00:03:58.839 --> 00:04:05.653 And he said, I thought you might find it interesting. And the episode happened to be my podcast discussion with Nate Christensen about the 00:04:05.756 --> 00:04:12.356 paradox of rising depression rates despite society's increasing openness about mental health issues. 00:04:12.356 --> 00:04:14.776 And if you haven't heard that one, I'll link that in the show notes, but I had some 00:04:14.776 --> 00:04:18.374 very strong opinions about maybe we just aren't putting out the right tools. 00:04:19.116 --> 00:04:26.269 So nothing to lose. thank goodness Blake pressed play. And the discussion between my colleague Nate and I. 00:04:27.403 --> 00:04:31.396 It resonated with Blake in ways that he had not expected. And he started to feel like, 00:04:31.396 --> 00:04:37.236 okay, maybe I'm not alone in my feelings. Because that podcast, he said, addressed a lot of the 00:04:37.236 --> 00:04:41.716 contradictions that he felt, and more importantly, it offered insight into the roots of the feelings 00:04:41.716 --> 00:04:46.436 that he was having. So he was starting to understand the power of the narratives that 00:04:46.436 --> 00:04:51.796 we tell ourselves and the significance of separating even his own observation of what 00:04:51.796 --> 00:04:55.796 was going on in his life from the judgment of what that meant or what stories he was 00:04:55.796 --> 00:04:58.416 starting to create about what the things he was doing meant. 00:04:58.965 --> 00:05:03.316 Now, it was not an instant fix, but for the first time in years, a very long time, Blake 00:05:03.316 --> 00:05:08.956 felt hope. He felt a glimmer of light and he started to become an avid listener to my 00:05:08.956 --> 00:05:13.396 podcast and eventually reached out and gave me permission to share some of the bare bones 00:05:13.396 --> 00:05:15.160 of this story like I'm doing right now. 00:05:15.916 --> 00:05:19.326 But he said there were a lot of episodes that slowly started to rebuild his perspective 00:05:19.326 --> 00:05:21.389 and his understanding of himself. 00:05:21.726 --> 00:05:24.954 Now the journey has been long and it has not been without challenges. 00:05:25.526 --> 00:05:31.346 But with time, Blake has learned to kind of reframe his thoughts and understanding maybe 00:05:31.346 --> 00:05:33.209 the roots of where those thoughts come from. 00:05:33.966 --> 00:05:37.766 And that has been gently guiding him toward a more compassionate and hopeful narrative. 00:05:37.766 --> 00:05:40.726 Now we are not going to say today, just change your thoughts. 00:05:40.726 --> 00:05:42.527 Just choose to be happy. Come on, what's wrong with you? 00:05:42.995 --> 00:05:46.246 As a matter of fact, we're going to dive into why that may not be the most helpful 00:05:46.246 --> 00:05:48.117 thing when you hear that advice. 00:05:48.766 --> 00:05:55.326 And he began to see the world not as a judge waiting to criticize him, but more as a beautiful 00:05:55.326 --> 00:05:59.226 canvas waiting for his own unique touch. 00:06:00.046 --> 00:06:04.366 So Blake's story truly serves as a testament to the power, first of all, of reaching out. 00:06:04.366 --> 00:06:08.687 Thank goodness his friend did and shared some knowledge, sought a shared experience, but. 00:06:09.534 --> 00:06:13.966 It really speaks to the transformative impact of understanding ourselves better and the 00:06:13.966 --> 00:06:18.846 stories that we tell ourselves. And so his journey from the precipice of despair, which 00:06:18.846 --> 00:06:25.206 okay, that sounds like an amazing alternative band. And I think I would go see Precipice 00:06:25.206 --> 00:06:29.366 of Despair, and I'm not quite sure who they would open with, but I digress. But he goes 00:06:29.366 --> 00:06:34.186 from the precipice of despair to this path of self-discovery. And I want that to be a 00:06:34.186 --> 00:06:40.686 reminder that there truly is hope. There are tools, there are answers, and they may lie 00:06:40.686 --> 00:06:44.446 in perspectives that you haven't even yet considered. The old, I didn't know what 00:06:44.446 --> 00:06:48.686 I didn't know story. So coming up on today's episode of the Virtual Couch, oh, we're 00:06:48.686 --> 00:06:54.006 going to talk about this and we are going to talk about the inner dialogue, the inner 00:06:54.006 --> 00:06:58.166 monologue that we tell ourselves. Maybe some of the origin stories of that, but even better 00:06:58.166 --> 00:07:02.286 yet the right tools that I think can really help start to change that internal landscape 00:07:02.286 --> 00:07:06.086 of your mind. That and so much more coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch. 00:07:12.621 --> 00:07:16.078 Hey everybody, welcome to today's episode of the virtual couch. I'm your host Tony Overbay. 00:07:16.537 --> 00:07:20.417 I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified mindful habit coach and a 00:07:20.498 --> 00:07:24.886 podcast host of this one as well as waking up to narcissism, waking up to narcissism, 00:07:24.886 --> 00:07:30.428 the premium question and answer episodes. Love ADHD with my friend Julie Lee and then 00:07:30.491 --> 00:07:34.966 the mind, the mirror me with my daughter, Mackie, I so highly recommend you go check 00:07:35.028 --> 00:07:39.486 that one out. Last week, we did an episode on solitude that was amazing. And murder on 00:07:39.486 --> 00:07:43.733 the couch with my daughter, Sydney is it is the funniest episode I think I've ever done. 00:07:43.926 --> 00:07:48.086 And I even someone in my office yesterday said it was so funny, but I know we're talking 00:07:48.086 --> 00:07:52.033 about we're talking about crime and murder. So I don't want to dismiss that fact. Go watch 00:07:52.326 --> 00:07:57.086 the fourth episode on YouTube and just go to 10 minutes into it and just watch that 00:07:57.086 --> 00:08:00.886 scene alone. And I think that I think you'll be hooked on that podcast and there's plenty 00:08:00.886 --> 00:08:01.675 more coming up there. 00:08:02.206 --> 00:08:14.602 Talking about plenty more, just go sign up for my newsletter, if you will. You can go to tonyoverbay.com and sign up, or there's a link in the show notes. There's a link tree that has links to a whole lot of things, the revamp of the Magnetic Marriage Course. 00:08:15.056 --> 00:08:26.056 I alluded in this week's newsletter to some more information I'm going to be sharing about people that are navigating faith journeys, and I want your experiences on that as well, because there's some events coming up, maybe a course coming up there as well. 00:08:26.056 --> 00:08:30.167 I was on Loving an Addict by Kira and Duff Dyer. 00:08:30.456 --> 00:08:33.856 And if you remember, they are the people that came on the virtual couch, it was a few months 00:08:33.856 --> 00:08:37.675 ago and talked about the tragic death of their daughter, Emma. 00:08:37.876 --> 00:08:42.995 And that episode has just, it has legs, it has just gone around the world quite literally. 00:08:43.356 --> 00:08:46.656 And then they started their own podcast, Loving an Addict. It is powerful. 00:08:46.656 --> 00:08:51.056 And I went on there and talked about pornography and how we can move away from turning to pornography 00:08:51.056 --> 00:08:52.241 as a coping mechanism. 00:08:52.376 --> 00:08:59.460 We talked about youth and pornography. And then I had recorded an episode on a podcast called Unashamed and Unafraid months ago, 00:08:59.636 --> 00:09:01.256 and it happened to hit this week as well. 00:09:01.256 --> 00:09:06.236 And I don't like listening to myself, but there were some amazing guys on that podcast that were the hosts. 00:09:06.236 --> 00:09:09.116 And I just, I didn't remember exactly all the things we talked about. 00:09:09.116 --> 00:09:12.476 So I listened to a little bit of it yesterday and I highly recommend that one. 00:09:12.476 --> 00:09:15.716 So if you are struggling, somebody in your family is, or you just want to turn away from 00:09:15.716 --> 00:09:17.870 that as a coping mechanism, we're taking the shame out of it. 00:09:18.248 --> 00:09:23.028 I highly recommend listening to those two episodes. I'll put those in the show notes, but loving and addict, 00:09:23.176 --> 00:09:26.647 and then unashamed and unafraid, which then it makes perfect sense. 00:09:27.034 --> 00:09:28.976 That to go sign up for my Path Back Recovery Program. 00:09:28.976 --> 00:09:33.210 It's powerful. There's a weekly group call that is tonight, the night that I'm recording this, 00:09:33.356 --> 00:09:37.999 and it is one of the highlights of my week, and that's part of the Path Back Recovery Program. 00:09:38.377 --> 00:09:41.555 There's all the business, but let's talk about our inner voice. 00:09:41.696 --> 00:09:45.012 It's that inner voice that so often brings us down. 00:09:45.136 --> 00:09:50.056 And have you ever wondered why? Why when you make a mistake or something goes wrong 00:09:50.056 --> 00:09:52.656 and I'm telling you we could go do a whole episode on wrong. 00:09:52.656 --> 00:09:57.616 I really struggle, but I'm gonna meet people where they're at, but wrong, right, good, bad. 00:09:58.173 --> 00:10:02.566 But in reality, I feel, for the most part, that we're all trying and we're doing. 00:10:02.791 --> 00:10:07.383 And so then we're going to assign some judgment on that. Wrong, right, better, best, not as good. 00:10:07.481 --> 00:10:09.383 So we'll get to that at a later date. 00:10:09.741 --> 00:10:14.503 But if something goes not the way that you wish it does, we'll call it wrong for now. 00:10:14.674 --> 00:10:17.591 The first voice that you hear in your mind is most often it's critical. 00:10:17.636 --> 00:10:20.583 Why do we default to the negative self-talk? 00:10:20.697 --> 00:10:22.101 Why do we default right to shame? 00:10:22.425 --> 00:10:26.023 Let's break that down. I got a few different reasons why. 00:10:26.023 --> 00:10:30.583 The number one is it's really the evolutionary perspective because imagine way back in the 00:10:30.583 --> 00:10:35.641 time when our ancestors lived in the wild, they had to be so alert to danger. 00:10:35.863 --> 00:10:40.070 If they made a mistake, like literally stepping on a twig, that would alert a predator and 00:10:40.303 --> 00:10:41.762 it could mean life or death. 00:10:41.923 --> 00:10:47.344 So our brains by default just developed this very heightened sensitivity to mistakes and 00:10:47.583 --> 00:10:49.783 that was there to help us survive. 00:10:49.783 --> 00:10:54.863 Fast forward to today and we may not have predators chasing us, but our brain still 00:10:54.863 --> 00:10:57.813 has that old wiring, bless its little pink squishy heart. 00:10:58.443 --> 00:11:02.683 So when we, again, mess up on a test or we just don't do as well as we had hoped that 00:11:02.683 --> 00:11:06.843 we would do, or we forget our assignment, I love ADHD this week, Julie and I talk about 00:11:06.843 --> 00:11:13.763 the challenges of our executive functioning when somebody has ADHD or even ADHD like tendencies. 00:11:13.763 --> 00:11:19.617 And that can lead to a variety of forgotten assignments, which then we want to beat ourselves up. 00:11:20.163 --> 00:11:24.323 But when we do that, our brain still reacts in a similar way to back when we were on the 00:11:24.323 --> 00:11:29.283 Savannah. It scolds us and it's thinking that that helps us survive. But nowadays 00:11:29.283 --> 00:11:33.683 it does more harm than it does good. 00:11:32.472 --> 00:11:44.751 Let's talk about the social factor, because I think that is one that is becoming more and more increasingly there, something we need to be aware of, because at a very young age, we also learn behaviors and norms from our families and friends and schools and even the media. 00:11:45.354 --> 00:11:49.682 And this is that concept where we all have this inherent need to belong. 00:11:50.071 --> 00:11:52.522 We want to belong to a people, we want to belong to a tribe. 00:11:53.024 --> 00:12:00.522 And what can happen in that scenario is that it's inevitable to start comparing and that might start from a good thing. 00:12:00.522 --> 00:12:05.522 If we're comparing what your strengths and weaknesses are, then, okay, I might be the cobbler making shoes. 00:12:05.522 --> 00:12:11.522 Somebody might be the blacksmith. Somebody might be the farmer. I'm not quite sure what I would be doing in that society. 00:12:11.522 --> 00:12:16.522 I think maybe I could carry water from a stream. I mean, I've got pretty decent stamina. 00:12:16.522 --> 00:12:29.330 Stamina, but so it's almost natural for us to compare in order to then find our order, our place in society, but then there's also that comparison where as long as I am not the weakest link, I will survive. 00:12:29.636 --> 00:12:37.522 I know the joke is said often, but if you're out in the woods and there seems to be a bear around, you're sizing everybody up and saying, all right, at least I'm faster than that guy. 00:12:38.161 --> 00:12:52.522 So, sometimes though those external voices teach us that then making mistakes is bad because we may not maintain our space in the tribe. We might get booted out of the pack and if we do, it becomes a life or death situation to our primitive brain. 00:12:52.522 --> 00:12:57.522 So again, we will feel like making mistakes is bad and if we are not perfect, we're not good enough. 00:12:58.254 --> 00:13:01.722 And over time, and here's why I want to start painting this picture, over time. 00:13:02.522 --> 00:13:10.921 Those voices become our inner voices. It's like having the strict teacher inside your head all the time grading every single thing that you do. 00:13:10.390 --> 00:13:25.440 And that's one of the biggest things I want us to really focus on today is that if you find your default language is the, I suck, what's wrong with me, I hate when I do that, you start to believe that person that you're telling yourself that you are. 00:13:25.576 --> 00:13:29.240 Now, I'm not saying, here's what we're going to talk about, we're not going all or nothing, black or white. 00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:35.533 If you say, I'm always amazing and I'm wonderful, then our own brain's like, wow, and you're nuts and you're crazy. 00:13:35.713 --> 00:13:38.126 So that isn't the remedy as well. 00:13:38.405 --> 00:13:43.160 But one of the third reasons why we do this with our brain is this again goes back to this quest for perfection. 00:13:43.725 --> 00:13:47.160 And when we're talking about social in particular, social media doesn't necessarily help. 00:13:47.650 --> 00:13:51.160 And I'm not yelling at the kids to get off my lawn because I use it as well. 00:13:51.160 --> 00:13:58.885 But when we see the pictures and the posts of people looking perfect and happy and successful, it can often make us feel like we need to be perfect too. 00:13:59.362 --> 00:14:04.079 And when we're not, you guessed it, that inner critic, that strict teacher comes out in full force. 00:14:04.466 --> 00:14:28.160 And I think it's almost my duty or maybe it's my by law as a therapist or somebody that works with people on a day-to-day basis, a lot of people, to say that I get to talk to people that acknowledge that they put out the best version of themselves because that's what they feel like they need to, or they may do it to get the validation, but that is not what their life is like 24-7, which I think we know inherently, but maybe we don't. 00:14:28.160 --> 00:14:33.340 Maybe we do assume that but some people have it all figured out, which I don't think that's the case. 00:14:34.345 --> 00:14:36.160 So let's talk about the importance then of self-compassion. 00:14:37.315 --> 00:14:43.620 Because here's the thing Beating yourselves up does not make you better. I know that's a hot take 00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:47.191 but in fact, it starts to make us feel worse and it holds us back and, 00:14:48.160 --> 00:14:53.800 I just feel like that concept is just so true that if beating ourselves up worked and made us better, 00:14:54.330 --> 00:14:57.080 We would all be perfect because we're really good at beating ourselves up, 00:14:58.048 --> 00:15:07.080 So imagine if your best friend came to you and they are upset about a mistake they made. This is one of the oldest therapy tropes in the book. What would you tell them? Would you berate them? Would you shame them? 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:17.080 If you're kind of a jerk, you might, or if you're an emotionally mature narcissistic individual, because there's your chance. I'm going to take the one up position, but we're saving that for another podcast. 00:15:17.313 --> 00:15:21.800 But would you be right and shame them or would you be understanding and supportive and say, 00:15:21.800 --> 00:15:25.080 hey, you know what, you're trying your best and things are going to get better. 00:15:25.505 --> 00:15:28.880 And man, don't beat yourself up. That's not going to help you in the long run. 00:15:29.520 --> 00:15:33.760 Like most of us would say that we would do those things. So why don't we treat ourselves the same? 00:15:34.768 --> 00:15:39.600 Because our inherent thing goes back to those, what's wrong with me, that inner critic. 00:15:40.619 --> 00:15:47.515 And I just want to impress that that inner critic, I mean, it's part of being human and it was there and it serves a purpose. 00:15:47.947 --> 00:15:57.337 Sometimes I used to serve a purpose a lot of times, most all the time, but just like we can learn this negative self talk and that becomes our default. 00:15:57.895 --> 00:16:10.282 We, I promise you can start to learn self compassion because being kind to yourself doesn't mean that if you're worried about this right now that you're letting yourself off the hook or you're not taking responsibility because this is where I want people to be aware that 00:16:10.429 --> 00:16:14.389 our own brain when thinking about the things it's hearing now is going to yeah but with 00:16:14.389 --> 00:16:15.485 all or nothing black or white. 00:16:15.764 --> 00:16:18.189 Oh okay I guess I just never have to take ownership of anything. 00:16:18.189 --> 00:16:22.462 I'm going to live in a life of fairy tales and unicorns and that will make me happy. 00:16:22.930 --> 00:16:24.109 I did not say that. 00:16:24.949 --> 00:16:29.709 So it means understanding that everybody has challenges. Everybody makes mistakes. 00:16:29.709 --> 00:16:32.069 We'll go with that for right now. Mistakes. 00:16:32.069 --> 00:16:35.549 Even though everybody is just doing and being in ways that maybe they had not hoped to do 00:16:35.549 --> 00:16:36.893 or be. And that's okay. 00:16:37.549 --> 00:16:40.889 Because by practicing the self-compassion, we start to create a healthier mindset, 00:16:40.889 --> 00:16:42.663 we start to feel better about ourselves. 00:16:42.789 --> 00:16:46.109 And one of the key things, we begin to bounce back from challenges faster. 00:16:46.109 --> 00:16:50.828 It doesn't mean that the challenges aren't gonna happen, but it does start to allow us to bounce back faster. 00:16:51.549 --> 00:16:55.669 So let's dig into the concept of self-compassion, because a lot of times people say, 00:16:55.669 --> 00:16:59.047 you must have self-compassion, you must love yourself. What does that mean? 00:16:59.369 --> 00:17:04.289 Because it is vital for emotional and mental health and wellbeing. What is it? 00:17:05.259 --> 00:17:09.409 It's, let me kind of jump right to it. I mean, real talk, I know the kids don't say that anymore, 00:17:09.409 --> 00:17:14.486 but self-compassion is not about telling yourselves that you are perfect or again, avoiding responsibility. 00:17:14.929 --> 00:17:19.689 It's treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you treat a good friend. 00:17:20.149 --> 00:17:22.885 Think of it this way. If you were, again, friends having a rough day, 00:17:23.149 --> 00:17:25.262 you wouldn't say, yeah, it's pretty much all your fault. 00:17:25.709 --> 00:17:30.546 Instead, you'd likely be supportive and understanding. that self-compassion. 00:17:29.574 --> 00:17:37.001 So, turn that inward. Can you be supportive and understanding with yourself? Because it's the first time that you're going through life as you right now. 00:17:37.316 --> 00:17:42.807 Now, I will just briefly touch on mindfulness, but you know that feeling when you are super mad, all you want to do is react. 00:17:43.248 --> 00:17:51.864 Learning how to sit with that discomfort is a game changer. Self-compassion starts by taking a moment, and if you just heard yourself say, 00:17:51.864 --> 00:17:55.544 and breathe, don't tell me the guy's saying breathe, but let's take a moment to breathe 00:17:55.544 --> 00:17:57.864 and become aware of the feelings without judging them. 00:17:57.864 --> 00:18:00.464 And that takes a practice. Mindfulness is a practice. 00:18:00.464 --> 00:18:04.611 Meditation is a practice and it takes repetition, 00:18:04.701 --> 00:18:08.698 but it begins to become part of your own inner landscape. 00:18:08.914 --> 00:18:15.504 And I testify, I witness unto you that it is something that you do not know 00:18:15.504 --> 00:18:19.419 that you don't know if it's something that you don't do right now. I promise you that. 00:18:19.704 --> 00:18:26.198 Starting to take up a daily mindfulness practice, It takes time, but I love it. I really do. 00:18:26.584 --> 00:18:32.518 It lowers your heart rate. It gets you in almost like this trance-like state, not in a weird way. 00:18:32.904 --> 00:18:38.344 I don't get up and all of a sudden find myself clucking like a chicken, or every time a bell rings, 00:18:38.344 --> 00:18:41.574 I get up and walk around and do the Macarena or anything like that. 00:18:42.087 --> 00:18:47.687 But it just allows you to just be and be more present, and I never thought I would be the guy talking like that. 00:18:48.128 --> 00:18:53.104 But it is like hitting a bit of a pause button. So that way, instead of immediately defaulting 00:18:53.104 --> 00:18:56.784 to the negative or getting lost in those negative thoughts or feeling those big emotions and reacting 00:18:56.784 --> 00:18:59.525 to get rid of the emotions or to get rid of the discomfort, 00:18:59.944 --> 00:19:03.170 you notice them and you say, all right, I am having a moment right now. 00:19:03.764 --> 00:19:09.301 That is a thing, that is okay. Self-compassion, it involves being able to challenge your inner critic 00:19:09.384 --> 00:19:12.544 because remember that inner voice that sometimes sounds like a nagging parent 00:19:12.544 --> 00:19:18.078 or a strict teacher, it's time to have a chat with them because if that voice says you are so stupid, 00:19:18.624 --> 00:19:20.932 then I think there's a way to challenge it. 00:19:21.524 --> 00:19:25.343 And this isn't a, I know I need to not think that, because again, I am thinking that. 00:19:25.484 --> 00:19:27.999 Check that out. I have the I am so stupid thought. 00:19:28.524 --> 00:19:33.044 So just bringing awareness to that and with meeting it with a little bit of a, 00:19:33.044 --> 00:19:35.507 man, you know, everybody makes mistakes, but I can learn from this. 00:19:36.084 --> 00:19:41.997 What can I learn from this? This happened. By recognizing and challenging the negative self-talk, 00:19:42.284 --> 00:19:46.228 you start to change the narrative in your head. Notice I am not saying you just change it. 00:19:46.404 --> 00:19:51.084 You don't just say, oh no, I nailed that, or that's a them issue, or immediately, 00:19:51.084 --> 00:19:55.501 it's say, I'm noticing that. I'm noticing the old, what's wrong with me story, 00:19:55.604 --> 00:19:57.328 the old, I'm broken story. 00:19:57.884 --> 00:20:01.544 That is a story. There are a lot of stories that go through my brain. 00:20:01.244 --> 00:20:12.767 Then that leads to practicing some self-kindness. This can be as simple as saying kind words to yourself instead of beating yourself up after a setback, say things like, again, okay, that happened. That is one of the most powerful things that personally that I do. 00:20:13.163 --> 00:20:27.094 That happened. That was a thing. I did that. It's okay. Everybody has an off day. Everybody has an off moment. And what a joy. I do. I have a narrative in my head that I enjoy, quite frankly, at this point where it's like, what a joy. What an opportunity to grow. 00:20:27.094 --> 00:20:32.894 Grow. Even if I'm not buying it myself at first, because my brain's like, Oh, here he goes. All right, let's just get to the 00:20:33.022 --> 00:20:39.534 part where he he has a joke or two ready to go. And then he just continues to move forward. I will try again, or even All 00:20:39.534 --> 00:20:44.779 right, I'm gonna give myself credit for trying. It sounds simple might even sound silly, but words are powerful. They 00:20:45.094 --> 00:20:47.309 really are because we're good at the negative ones. How about. 00:20:47.974 --> 00:20:55.614 Those positive ones? Because the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Which leads me to wanting to lovingly beg 00:20:55.614 --> 00:20:58.021 of you to recognize our common humanity. 00:20:58.156 --> 00:21:04.214 Because guess what? Nobody, no one is perfect, seriously. Everybody, including a super popular influencer 00:21:04.214 --> 00:21:06.636 or the straight-A student has moments of self-doubt. 00:21:06.934 --> 00:21:08.374 More moments than you probably know. 00:21:08.725 --> 00:21:12.174 They make mistakes or they face challenges. And when we can remember that everybody goes 00:21:12.174 --> 00:21:16.014 through struggles, it really can help us feel less isolated and more connected, 00:21:16.014 --> 00:21:19.814 which is one of the big reasons why the more that you can go and do and put yourself out there 00:21:19.814 --> 00:21:22.364 and listen and learn and be amongst the people, 00:21:22.535 --> 00:21:25.973 the more that you'll recognize that there are people that are also having experiences. 00:21:26.459 --> 00:21:30.421 Now, when you are around people that pretend that everything is perfect and they've never had that problem. 00:21:30.534 --> 00:21:34.147 I work with so many people that struggle with trying to overcome addictive behaviors. 00:21:34.694 --> 00:21:39.534 And what does that look like? It is frustrating to then when they are talking to, 00:21:39.534 --> 00:21:43.294 let's just say a religious leader or a parent or somebody that says, well, champ, 00:21:43.294 --> 00:21:45.474 that's never happened to me, so I can't even imagine. 00:21:45.474 --> 00:21:49.094 But you know, here's what I would do because you literally just said something 00:21:49.094 --> 00:21:50.523 that I don't know if I believe. 00:21:50.568 --> 00:21:52.774 And now you're gonna give me advice when you just literally said, 00:21:52.774 --> 00:21:58.614 I don't know what you're even talking about, that is not something that makes us feel more connected. 00:21:58.614 --> 00:21:59.606 Makes us feel more isolated. 00:22:00.290 --> 00:22:19.915 And then I will say there's data around this keep a gratitude or a compassion journal grab a notebook spend a minute or two it's all it takes each day right right about a time that you maybe were hard on yourself and then rewrite the situation with a more compassionate perspective or truly intentionally right one or two things that you were grateful for from the day. 00:22:20.500 --> 00:22:24.893 Because one of the nice things it can do is it does start to paint that inner landscape. 00:22:25.343 --> 00:22:30.060 And the way it does that is now you're just noticing things that maybe you could write about today. 00:22:30.421 --> 00:22:33.060 So you're more aware because you're simply thinking about it. 00:22:33.060 --> 00:22:39.060 It doesn't mean that now from this moment forward everything will be amazing and wonderful and I could write about everything all the time every day. 00:22:39.270 --> 00:22:40.512 No. All or nothing thinking. 00:22:41.295 --> 00:22:45.760 But I might be aware of, oh, I could maybe write that down today and try to do something unique every day. 00:22:46.060 --> 00:22:52.300 Over time, over time, this practice helps shift your mindset, that internal landscape 00:22:52.300 --> 00:22:54.340 of what it feels like to be you. 00:22:54.340 --> 00:22:59.084 And I did not take the time to look this up. And in my formerly more emotionally immature days, I would make it up. 00:22:59.580 --> 00:23:02.577 You are a product of the five people you spend the most time around. 00:23:02.820 --> 00:23:05.560 There's something that has to do with something like that, which I know I could challenge 00:23:05.560 --> 00:23:08.940 that because sometimes you're stuck with people that maybe you're not a big fan of. 00:23:08.940 --> 00:23:14.060 But you can surround yourself with compassionate people, positive people, people that are already 00:23:14.060 --> 00:23:16.917 being and doing a little bit more of the things that you would like to be and do? 00:23:17.740 --> 00:23:22.100 Because have you ever just noticed how moods around you can be contagious? 00:23:22.100 --> 00:23:25.271 We're drawn to certain people and we are somewhat avoidant of others. 00:23:25.397 --> 00:23:29.820 Because if you're around people that are constantly critical, it's easy to pick up on that energy. 00:23:29.820 --> 00:23:34.211 And as a matter of fact, sometimes you learn that you just start to become indifferent. 00:23:34.700 --> 00:23:39.340 That is one of the most used words I hear in counseling and therapy, are people that 00:23:39.340 --> 00:23:46.780 just grow to this place from rage or anger to indifference. And they may feel like, it's okay, I'd rather be indifferent than angry, but that's where 00:23:46.780 --> 00:23:48.596 your body's starting to say, what does that matter? 00:23:49.767 --> 00:23:54.817 The same goes for kindness. Hang out with friends and loved ones who lift you up and encourage you, 00:23:54.817 --> 00:23:59.777 who you just feel a connection with. Their compassion truly can start to inspire you. 00:23:59.777 --> 00:24:03.297 I'm not saying it will carry you along, but it can inspire you to be more compassionate 00:24:03.297 --> 00:24:08.077 to yourself because it all becomes part of your inner monologue or what it feels like to be you. 00:24:08.177 --> 00:24:12.686 So in this learning, let's go cliches a little more. Learning self-compassion 00:24:12.930 --> 00:24:17.217 is a journey, not a destination. You won't get to a place of, I now have 00:24:17.332 --> 00:24:21.217 self-compassion. You will start to be more self-compassionate and then as part of the 00:24:21.217 --> 00:24:24.897 human experience, things will happen and then you will notice them and you will sometimes 00:24:24.897 --> 00:24:29.521 go right back to that hardwired default setting of what is wrong with me or beating myself up, 00:24:29.683 --> 00:24:33.537 but you will notice that as a thought and here comes some more, some more of like maybe more 00:24:33.537 --> 00:24:39.377 self-compassionate or of gratitude or of what can I learn in this moment and it all starts to become 00:24:39.377 --> 00:24:44.417 part of your interior landscape. But again, journey, it's not a destination. Some days are 00:24:44.417 --> 00:24:48.257 are going to be a lot easier than others. And that is, that is great. What's important 00:24:48.257 --> 00:24:53.637 is you continue to move forward. I remember, um, in my more ultra running days, when you're 00:24:53.637 --> 00:24:58.437 running a nice hundred miler or even more 24 hours around a track, there are a lot of 00:24:58.437 --> 00:25:03.577 times where it's just constant forward motion. If you're walking, if you're rolling around 00:25:03.577 --> 00:25:07.217 on the ground, if you're doing anything, if you're moving forward, you're moving closer 00:25:07.217 --> 00:25:11.177 and closer along the path here. I was about to say toward the destination. I literally 00:25:11.177 --> 00:25:12.457 I just said it isn't a destination, 00:25:12.457 --> 00:25:14.667 but you are moving forward on your journey. 00:25:14.957 --> 00:25:15.999 We'll put it that way. 00:25:16.441 --> 00:25:20.816 But as you keep practicing these tools, these techniques of self-compassion, 00:25:20.977 --> 00:25:25.317 it will help you recognize that you deserve kindness just as much as anybody else does. 00:25:25.758 --> 00:25:33.473 So, I want to share a quote from Rick Hansen's book, Buddha's Brain, The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. 00:25:33.806 --> 00:25:44.608 One of my favorite quotes, I know that I have used it before, and I will break it down into small, delicious bite-sized pieces after I share the initial quote. 00:25:44.924 --> 00:25:49.608 So, he says, much as your body is built from the food you eat, your mind is built from the experiences that you have. 00:25:49.965 --> 00:25:53.608 The flow of experience gradually sculpts your brain, thus shaping your mind. 00:25:53.608 --> 00:25:58.004 Mind. Some of the results can be explicitly recalled, this is what I did last summer, 00:25:58.247 --> 00:26:02.968 this is how I felt when I was in love, but most of the shaping of your mind remains forever 00:26:02.968 --> 00:26:08.088 unconscious. And this is called your implicit memory, and it includes your expectations, 00:26:08.088 --> 00:26:12.327 your models of relationships, your emotional tendencies, and your general outlook. That's a, 00:26:13.128 --> 00:26:17.449 lot of the things that are just happening in your life. So he goes on to say, implicit memory 00:26:17.881 --> 00:26:23.111 establishes the interior landscape of your mind or what it feels like to be you, and here's the key, 00:26:23.588 --> 00:26:28.808 based on the slow accumulating residue of lived experience. But here's the problem. 00:26:29.980 --> 00:26:34.418 Rick goes on to say your brain preferentially scans for, registers, stores, recalls, 00:26:34.688 --> 00:26:37.928 and reacts to unpleasant experiences. What we've already talked about today. 00:26:39.270 --> 00:26:44.968 But I love what he says here. He says it's like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for 00:26:44.968 --> 00:26:50.888 positive ones. So consequently, even when positive experiences outnumber the negative ones, the pile 00:26:50.888 --> 00:26:56.492 of negative implicit memories partially grows faster, so then that background feeling of 00:26:56.648 --> 00:27:01.011 what it feels like to be you can become undeservedly glum and pessimistic. 00:27:01.968 --> 00:27:08.968 So I hope that you can see how this, it really is about how you treat yourself and that self-compassion 00:27:08.968 --> 00:27:12.928 and the self-care and the self-talk, all of those things. 00:27:12.928 --> 00:27:17.728 And he says the remedy is not to suppress negative experiences when they happen, because 00:27:17.728 --> 00:27:19.357 When they happen, they just happen. 00:27:20.249 --> 00:27:26.577 But it's to foster positive experiences and in particular to take them in so they become a permanent part of you. 00:27:27.333 --> 00:27:36.147 So we're not trying to push away the negative, it's there. We acknowledge it, we recognize it, they are thoughts, they are feelings, they are emotions and they happen because they're happening. 00:27:37.146 --> 00:27:43.099 So it's like your brain is this big sponge. I think that's maybe an easier way to think about it. 00:27:43.099 --> 00:27:47.259 It. So everything you experience, every joy, every heartbreak, every small moment just 00:27:47.259 --> 00:27:53.379 gets soaked up into this sponge. And over time, they start to experience what the inside 00:27:53.379 --> 00:27:57.203 of that sponge starts to look like, what your thoughts are, your feelings, who you are. 00:27:57.819 --> 00:28:02.979 So it's like your mind's recipe is built from all of these moments. And some things you 00:28:02.979 --> 00:28:07.979 are going to remember clearly, like an awesome vacation, or I still remember very well playing 00:28:08.299 --> 00:28:12.534 left field and a baseball game my junior year. And he literally, this sounds like made up 00:28:12.597 --> 00:28:17.419 state championship baseball game playing in Kearns, Utah of all places in the American 00:28:17.419 --> 00:28:22.099 Legion League for my beloved Alta Hawks and a ball comes out to me. I'm not a big person 00:28:22.099 --> 00:28:27.779 in the outfield, but I was playing up and in varsity and it hits the palm of my glove 00:28:27.779 --> 00:28:31.419 and it falls right out. I can remember that like it was yesterday. That is part of my 00:28:31.419 --> 00:28:36.579 brain sponge and my implicit memory. And it is interesting because it will still bring 00:28:36.939 --> 00:28:41.764 up a really kind of a feeling, but then I can notice that's a feeling and I'm back. 00:28:42.139 --> 00:28:46.819 Here we are, we're podcasting because most of that recipe does get baked into the background. 00:28:46.819 --> 00:28:51.299 So there I saw a little bit of it, a little bit of that residue of my lived experience. 00:28:51.299 --> 00:28:52.900 And a lot of times you won't even realize it. 00:28:53.659 --> 00:28:58.659 This again is your implicit memory. It's the hidden stuff that makes you feel a certain way about yourself. 00:28:58.859 --> 00:29:01.259 There probably been times throughout my life where I've thought, man, if I would have caught 00:29:01.259 --> 00:29:04.019 that ball, there were scouts there, what would have happened? 00:29:04.019 --> 00:29:08.859 I'd be living at some beach somewhere, retired, major league baseball, but you'll find yourself 00:29:08.859 --> 00:29:10.850 doing that. And then those are thoughts. 00:29:11.339 --> 00:29:16.659 Those are fascinating, but then again, that part about the brain is it's like Velcro for 00:29:16.659 --> 00:29:19.034 the negative and Teflon for the positive. 00:29:19.736 --> 00:29:24.165 Because our brains, they're kind of wacky that way. They hold on to that bad stuff. 00:29:24.306 --> 00:29:26.469 It's another way to think of it as like a magnet. 00:29:27.100 --> 00:29:31.520 And then it's like it's greased in Crisco or butter spray for the good ones. 00:29:31.934 --> 00:29:37.346 So even if you had a lot of good days, we find ourselves hanging on to those that magnetized, 00:29:37.346 --> 00:29:41.422 I messed up again, or the Velcro that stuck to the what's wrong with me or why am I like that? 00:29:42.286 --> 00:29:46.066 And those negative thoughts pile up because those good ones keep just sliding off. 00:29:46.066 --> 00:29:50.866 So we have to be very intentional about what we do with those negative and those positive thoughts. 00:29:50.866 --> 00:29:54.088 It can start to make you feel really down, even if there's no real reason to. 00:29:54.503 --> 00:29:59.906 Honestly, if I allowed myself to just sit and think about dropping that ball or some other 00:29:59.906 --> 00:30:04.066 things that would come up, there's a good chance that I could get myself in a pretty crummy mood, 00:30:04.702 --> 00:30:09.491 but quite frankly, why? Again, we don't need to ignore the bad times because everybody has them, 00:30:09.716 --> 00:30:14.046 but we need to truly feel and embrace the good ones. Let those good moments sink in 00:30:14.343 --> 00:30:17.548 so that they become a part of who you are. 00:30:18.306 --> 00:30:23.283 So then every time you tell yourself something negative, like what's wrong with me, I always mess things up, 00:30:23.328 --> 00:30:30.486 it's also, I've heard this once said, where it's like adding a little drop of a little bit of a darker liquid 00:30:30.486 --> 00:30:32.105 into a clear glass of water. 00:30:32.303 --> 00:30:36.030 One drop might not seem like much, but then over time, the drops add up 00:30:36.126 --> 00:30:38.235 and the water starts to look a little bit murky. 00:30:38.433 --> 00:30:42.646 That is a way that our implicit memory works, that those negative thoughts and moments, 00:30:42.646 --> 00:30:47.148 if repeated often enough become part of the background feeling or the vibe of your mind, 00:30:47.386 --> 00:30:49.371 and it starts to shape what it feels like to be you. 00:30:50.326 --> 00:30:56.126 But just like we can add in that dark ink, we can also add in clear water, or even sparkly 00:30:56.126 --> 00:30:59.246 glitter if we want by embracing positive experiences and thoughts. 00:30:59.246 --> 00:31:03.246 So instead of focusing on what went wrong, focus on what went right. 00:31:03.246 --> 00:31:07.386 Remember the compliment that somebody gave you, hold on to it, take it in that time that 00:31:07.386 --> 00:31:14.086 you you did well on a project or you helped a friend feel it deeply, but you have to be intentional. 00:31:13.434 --> 00:31:29.692 I spoke recently at a youth activity, there were four sessions of youth coming in, and I tried to explain this and just said, because the place I was speaking, I had some implicit memory, I had some relational frame, I had some feelings and emotions tied to the place that I was speaking. 00:31:30.062 --> 00:31:40.198 And I talked about if something resonates and you feel it, and you like that, and you think that this is something I would like to remember or take in, then in that moment, be intentional. 00:31:40.306 --> 00:32:04.045 Sit up straight, put those shoulders, square the shoulders, breathe in through that nose, expand that chest, be present, look at who is around you, look at feel the sun beaming in on from the window, and then and recognize what that feeling is, and what you just heard and internalize that, because that's what we have to do to be intentional to change that landscape, our inner landscape of our mind. 00:32:04.117 --> 00:32:09.843 Because then over time, adding more good stuff to the brain sponge or the recipe, we can. 00:32:10.424 --> 00:32:18.024 Balance out those negatives and we can start to make the entire mind recipe of ours feel a lot better. 00:32:18.024 --> 00:32:22.014 And that can just over time, it starts to feel better to be you. 00:32:22.743 --> 00:32:25.317 Because you're not pretending the difficult things aren't happening. 00:32:25.664 --> 00:32:28.243 Because they are. It's part of the human condition. 00:32:28.584 --> 00:32:32.087 But by intentionally looking at those difficult experiences as things that have happened, 00:32:32.624 --> 00:32:37.424 catastrophizing them, then they won't hold as much emotional weight. 00:32:38.065 --> 00:32:42.530 And I think one of the problems or one of the challenges that I run into in my office 00:32:42.620 --> 00:32:47.384 is that when people then say, and I alluded to this at the beginning, that you can just 00:32:47.384 --> 00:32:52.324 choose that I'm going to be happy today, choose how I feel, that I understand that can feel 00:32:52.324 --> 00:32:56.944 sometimes like something is wrong with me if I can't just magically choose to be happy 00:32:57.068 --> 00:32:58.428 when you're going through difficult times. 00:32:59.427 --> 00:33:07.439 But you can change the relationship that you have with your thoughts, being able to notice them for what they truly are, their thoughts and their emotions, their feelings. 00:33:07.916 --> 00:33:16.612 So the choice is more about what meaning you assign to which thought and how much of what I like to call emotional calories are you going to expend on which thoughts? 00:33:17.126 --> 00:33:19.517 Because that is where I believe the choice comes in. 00:33:20.096 --> 00:33:25.117 Choosing what meaning and what significance you assign to the various thoughts and feelings and the emotions you're having, 00:33:25.327 --> 00:33:31.717 that's where you start to take more intention or control over what it feels like to be you. 00:33:31.790 --> 00:33:34.824 Again, based off of the implicit memory that we just talked about. 00:33:35.409 --> 00:33:39.517 I remember not too long ago, spilling hot chocolate on myself. 00:33:39.847 --> 00:33:43.517 And I don't remember exactly where I was going, so that's funny if I think about it that way. 00:33:43.517 --> 00:33:47.472 But my implicit memory absolutely reminds me that I spilled that. 00:33:47.994 --> 00:33:53.036 And one reaction might be to think, just my luck, everything always goes wrong for me. 00:33:53.357 --> 00:33:58.293 Because that thought then magnifies the situation, turning a little mishap of something that just happened 00:33:58.397 --> 00:34:00.381 into a massive catastrophe. 00:34:00.757 --> 00:34:03.837 And now I might even pull the victim card out for the rest of the day. 00:34:03.837 --> 00:34:05.603 It all started with spilling the hot chocolate. 00:34:06.077 --> 00:34:11.913 The more healthy thing to do is to say, I did, check that out, spilled the hot chocolate. 00:34:12.077 --> 00:34:17.117 That is a thing. It might even be a frustrating thing, but it's just a moment in my day. 00:34:17.397 --> 00:34:19.349 And I'm noticing the stain on my pants. 00:34:19.817 --> 00:34:24.850 And I'm now gonna need to come up with a funny story or just own it. 00:34:25.517 --> 00:34:30.521 But by seeing the event as an isolated incident and not a reflection of my entire life 00:34:30.617 --> 00:34:35.769 or who I am as a person or human being or think that there's the universe or God himself is out to get me, 00:34:35.997 --> 00:34:37.543 then it lessens its emotional impact. 00:34:38.830 --> 00:34:43.157 Because I have to think that if we're saying, why did this happen and is God punishing me? 00:34:43.157 --> 00:34:46.392 I feel like he's up there, really? Like the hot chocolate, that's what you think I do? 00:34:47.197 --> 00:34:50.977 Say that you fail a test, like literally, this is one where I'll give you, there is 00:34:50.977 --> 00:34:56.142 a pass fail. So you fail, you get the grade lower than you wanted to. In my line of work, 00:34:56.277 --> 00:35:00.357 you maybe even fail the licensing exam and have to take it over again. It was one of 00:35:00.462 --> 00:35:04.977 the biggest fears of my whole life going into that. It's easy to then jump to conclusions 00:35:04.977 --> 00:35:10.446 like I am terrible at this and this must not be what I'm meant to be or I am a failure. 00:35:11.117 --> 00:35:15.163 But when you stop to reassess, then you might be able to stop and think, I didn't do well 00:35:15.406 --> 00:35:19.088 on this test or in this subject or at this time, but it is one test. 00:35:19.577 --> 00:35:21.456 The main thing here is what can I learn? 00:35:22.037 --> 00:35:25.570 How can I improve? How can I self-confront? Did I really not study very well? 00:35:26.065 --> 00:35:26.983 Did I get much sleep? 00:35:27.237 --> 00:35:30.269 Did I have too much confidence going in? 00:35:30.677 --> 00:35:34.197 Because here you're able to recognize the difficulty or the situation that happened 00:35:34.197 --> 00:35:38.110 without letting it define your entire self-worth. 00:35:37.705 --> 00:35:51.091 So if I go back to that concept of choosing how you feel versus choosing how you react, then I get it. I get when somebody then, they do, they say, okay, you can choose how you feel, because it does, it can sound dismissive, especially if you're going through a really rough patch. 00:35:51.461 --> 00:36:00.544 It's like telling somebody to just say, just turn off your emotions. Like, don't worry about it. That'll chestnut, right? But the reality is, we can't always control our initial feelings or reactions. 00:36:01.255 --> 00:36:10.158 But what we're talking about here is that while we can't necessarily choose our feelings, we can choose our relationship with those feelings. 00:36:10.779 --> 00:36:19.070 Because it's the difference of maybe being caught up in a storm versus watching the storm from a distance or being present in the storm and noticing I am getting wet. 00:36:19.635 --> 00:36:27.596 Noticing that I wish I would have brought an umbrella. Because when you're in the middle of it, it can feel chaotic and it can feel overwhelming, especially if it catches you by surprise. 00:36:28.082 --> 00:36:30.635 But when you step back and you observe it, you can see it for what it is. 00:36:30.635 --> 00:36:33.393 It's a temporary event. It's not the entirety of your existence. 00:36:33.843 --> 00:36:35.347 Then you can really see it for what it is. 00:36:35.797 --> 00:36:37.635 So, change in the relationship with your thoughts. 00:36:38.317 --> 00:36:41.635 Imagine it as if your mind is a very big sky. 00:36:42.395 --> 00:36:45.456 Your thoughts and your feelings, those are as fluffy as clouds. 00:36:45.635 --> 00:36:49.507 And some of the clouds are fluffy and pleasant. Others are dark and stormy. 00:36:50.245 --> 00:36:54.251 And if you try to control or fight the clouds, you'll end up frustrated. 00:36:54.954 --> 00:36:55.635 But you can observe them. 00:36:55.935 --> 00:37:01.095 You can acknowledge them. them, you can let them pass, you can think that some of them look like animals or some 00:37:01.095 --> 00:37:05.955 have significant meaning to them, but you're just noticing that. But not every dark cloud 00:37:05.955 --> 00:37:11.715 is going to signify a never-ending storm. And this ties into what I like to call emotional 00:37:11.715 --> 00:37:17.435 calories. So just like we choose what foods we consume, I think this is a similar vibe 00:37:17.435 --> 00:37:21.715 of we can choose which thoughts to feed and give energy to. So every time we ruminate 00:37:21.715 --> 00:37:27.035 on a negative thought or spiral into worst case scenarios, we are expending valuable 00:37:27.035 --> 00:37:29.216 emotional energy and emotional calories. 00:37:29.486 --> 00:37:33.987 I literally think this is why so many people that are feeling overwhelmed or down or depressed 00:37:34.032 --> 00:37:38.915 do feel often exhausted because it is a lot to think about and expend those emotional 00:37:38.915 --> 00:37:41.315 calories on these worst case scenarios. 00:37:41.315 --> 00:37:45.555 Sometimes I think your brain just says, yeah, I just want to, I just want to take it. 00:37:45.555 --> 00:37:48.955 I just want to take it easy right now. Maybe this will be better tomorrow. 00:37:49.309 --> 00:37:53.415 But by recognizing those thoughts for what they are, they're just thoughts, and choosing 00:37:53.415 --> 00:38:00.775 not to give them undue significance, then we persevere and we can increase our emotional 00:38:00.775 --> 00:38:03.542 well-being, raising our emotional baseline. 00:38:03.875 --> 00:38:05.531 Because life will continue to throw the curveballs. 00:38:05.915 --> 00:38:06.576 That is a given. 00:38:06.981 --> 00:38:11.446 But remember, we have the power then to now decide, and I'm talking about the good version, 00:38:11.835 --> 00:38:13.595 how much weight we give to each experience. 00:38:13.595 --> 00:38:17.155 Not about pretending problems don't exist, I will say that over and over, but it's about 00:38:17.155 --> 00:38:24.472 seeing them in the right perspective. And when we do, then we can navigate life's challenges with more clarity and more resilience. 00:38:25.633 --> 00:38:38.483 And I think that here's, let me carry on this train of thought a little bit more. Let's dig a little bit deeper into how much power or weight that we give to each experience and how that will be different for each person. I think that's significant as well. 00:38:38.483 --> 00:38:44.483 Because what something means to us may not mean something the same. It won't mean the same to somebody else. 00:38:44.483 --> 00:38:52.865 Else. And there are these degrees of our emotional reaction. Because we are truly, we are a combination 00:38:52.982 --> 00:38:58.942 of our own nature, nurture, birth order, DNA, abandonment, attachment, wounds, our hopes, 00:38:59.123 --> 00:39:04.943 dreams, our successes, our failures, our gains, our losses, all of those things are incredibly 00:39:04.943 --> 00:39:10.383 unique to you as a human being. Because this is where you get back to the point where you 00:39:10.383 --> 00:39:13.507 You are the only version of you to have ever walked the face of the earth. 00:39:13.663 --> 00:39:18.288 So you are actually experiencing life in real time based on all of those inputs of course. 00:39:18.723 --> 00:39:22.523 You will have a variety of thoughts and feelings and emotions and so you're going to feel the 00:39:22.523 --> 00:39:27.956 way you do about certain situations because nothing is wrong with you, but because that's how you're feeling. 00:39:28.523 --> 00:39:31.283 So rather than beating yourself up with the old what's wrong with me story or why am I 00:39:31.283 --> 00:39:35.083 thinking that, it's important to begin to shift the inner narrative now to the check 00:39:35.140 --> 00:39:38.687 this out, here are my thoughts, again, look at them without judgment. 00:39:40.091 --> 00:39:44.783 A few weeks ago, I did a podcast where I was talking about looking through life with orange 00:39:44.783 --> 00:39:49.103 tinted glasses and that to step outside of your own ego, you have to take those glasses 00:39:49.103 --> 00:39:52.190 off and then the world can look pretty different. 00:39:52.667 --> 00:39:59.583 Let's go back to a glasses analogy. So think about wearing a pair of tinted glasses that are crafted from all of those experiences 00:39:59.583 --> 00:40:02.282 that I just talked about. The nature, the nurture, the birth order, the DNA. 00:40:02.957 --> 00:40:06.743 So even, I'm not even saying you're trying an orange tinted pair of glasses on. 00:40:06.936 --> 00:40:13.423 This tint is so unique to you that everything will look slightly different to you than someone else. 00:40:13.423 --> 00:40:15.578 Even to the point where if you give somebody else these glasses, they're even like, I've 00:40:15.743 --> 00:40:18.018 never really seen this tint. Not really quite sure what to do with that. 00:40:18.756 --> 00:40:26.930 So two people might be looking through at the same scenery, but through their unique lenses, and they will perceive colors and shadows and details different. 00:40:27.218 --> 00:40:36.868 So now, when you encounter a situation, you have an emotional response, it's a result of looking through your one-of-a-kind, amazingly wonderful glasses. 00:40:37.418 --> 00:40:45.772 So you feel a certain way, it's not because something is wrong with you, it is simply your unique tapestry with your glasses on, interacting with the world. 00:40:46.267 --> 00:40:51.902 But here's again where people get tripped up instead of acknowledging and accepting our feelings, we often then go back to judging ourselves. 00:40:52.253 --> 00:40:55.629 Questions like, why am I feeling this way? Or what's wrong with me? Or I know I shouldn't think this. 00:40:56.151 --> 00:41:02.926 It starts to cloud up our minds. So it's like trying to fit our unique tapestry into a generic frame. Doesn't work. 00:41:02.926 --> 00:41:06.783 It's like some cheap frame and you're trying to cram your pictures in there. 00:41:07.467 --> 00:41:09.926 So here's where the power of perspective comes in. 00:41:10.627 --> 00:41:15.006 So instead of berating ourselves with the judgmental questions, it is now time to become 00:41:15.006 --> 00:41:18.746 curious because we're shifting that entire inner landscape of our mind or what it feels 00:41:18.746 --> 00:41:21.718 like to be us. Embrace a narrative of exploration. 00:41:22.166 --> 00:41:22.897 Check this out. 00:41:23.406 --> 00:41:25.184 Here are my thoughts. There they are. 00:41:25.462 --> 00:41:29.883 It's the difference between being a harsh critic and a curious observer. 00:41:30.646 --> 00:41:37.597 And I am not a huge, I am not an art creator at all. I do enjoy looking at art. 00:41:38.266 --> 00:41:43.766 So imagine though you're in this is the shift that happened of why I do appreciate it. 00:41:43.766 --> 00:41:47.347 Imagine you are walking through an art gallery and instead of judging every painting you 00:41:47.626 --> 00:41:52.325 observe, you ponder, maybe even marvel at the unique blend of colors and strokes because, 00:41:52.966 --> 00:41:56.998 your thoughts and feelings deserve the same level of nonjudgmental attention. 00:41:57.586 --> 00:42:01.625 When you shift from judgment to observation, you not only start to understand yourself 00:42:01.706 --> 00:42:07.406 better, but you create a space for acceptance and growth. 00:42:07.406 --> 00:42:12.446 And I think this one is really interesting if we go back to that art example, because 00:42:12.446 --> 00:42:16.451 – and here's where I want to introduce a little bit more of the Marshall Rosenberg's 00:42:16.506 --> 00:42:22.306 concepts of nonviolent communication, especially the key idea of separating our observations 00:42:22.306 --> 00:42:26.750 from our judgments. So let's go back into this art gallery. We're surrounded by a ton, 00:42:27.386 --> 00:42:33.026 of different pieces of art. So every piece represents that artist's unique perspective 00:42:33.026 --> 00:42:39.047 with his own glasses on his or her their own glasses on every piece represents that artist's 00:42:39.326 --> 00:42:45.214 unique perspective, their feelings, their experiences, their emotions, their unique. 00:42:46.096 --> 00:42:56.737 Glasses that they have on in the way they see the world. So when we view this artwork, our minds naturally attempt to interpret, categorize, even judge that artwork. 00:42:57.484 --> 00:43:12.716 So this is in our DNA right here. This is an instinctual drive to judge. It's rooted in our brain's desire to try to make sense of the world and to place things in familiar categories so we can understand because we believe that will help us navigate our surroundings more easily. 00:43:13.535 --> 00:43:16.866 So, if I go back to Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, that emphasizes 00:43:16.866 --> 00:43:19.152 the importance of separating observation from judgment. 00:43:19.530 --> 00:43:23.486 Because in the context of the art gallery, this means viewing each piece of art without 00:43:23.486 --> 00:43:28.746 immediately attaching a label or an evaluation to it or assuming this is what this is, boy, 00:43:28.746 --> 00:43:32.250 this guy was nuts. I don't know what he was thinking, versus curiosity, what was he thinking? 00:43:32.586 --> 00:43:33.586 What was his experience? 00:43:33.934 --> 00:43:36.860 What was he or she, what were they trying to communicate with this piece? 00:43:37.826 --> 00:43:41.066 Because observation, and again, think about this with your own thoughts, but right now 00:43:41.066 --> 00:43:45.246 we're in an art gallery. It's about seeing what's present, the facts and the reality 00:43:45.246 --> 00:43:48.766 in front of us without adding our personal interpretations, which is what we want to 00:43:48.766 --> 00:43:54.806 do so desperately. So when observing a painting, we might not note, we might note the colors 00:43:54.806 --> 00:43:59.646 used, the strokes, the size, the details of the imagery. We might note those things. Judgment 00:43:59.646 --> 00:44:05.026 on the other hand, is our evaluation or interpretation of those observations. So when we start thinking 00:44:05.026 --> 00:44:10.146 things like, this painting is a mess, this is pretty chaotic, or the sky, this is worth 00:44:10.240 --> 00:44:14.226 three grand? This is a work of an amateur. Marshall Rosenberg believed that our 00:44:14.226 --> 00:44:17.426 quick leap from observation to judgment came from our brains innate need to 00:44:17.426 --> 00:44:21.565 create meaning from what we see. Our brains are wired for efficiency. They 00:44:21.746 --> 00:44:24.746 I like shortcuts, oh, they like them. 00:44:24.185 --> 00:44:43.115 By quickly attacking by quickly attaching judgment, we can more easily categorize and process information. However, this efficiency comes at the sacrifice of depth of understanding connection. And now we know, also, it can come to the expense of our interior landscape. 00:44:43.827 --> 00:44:59.115 So let's take a look at just becoming more observant. Pure observation. By taking a moment to purely observe before jumping into judgment, even with ourselves, we give ourselves the chance to truly connect with art, with others, and most importantly, with our moment, our present moment, what it feels like to be us. 00:44:59.115 --> 00:45:06.063 That pause, that observation is where we can start to change the game film for what it feels like to be us. 00:45:06.576 --> 00:45:10.816 Because this process allows for a deeper understanding, it allows for more empathy, more acceptance. 00:45:11.435 --> 00:45:15.915 So before deciding whether a painting is good or bad, we can dive into understanding its 00:45:15.915 --> 00:45:18.801 elements, the emotions that it might represent, the story behind it. 00:45:19.324 --> 00:45:23.501 Because then we are granting ourselves a richer experience and a more profound connection with the art. 00:45:24.401 --> 00:45:28.635 So same, when it comes to our thoughts and feelings, it's so easy for us to observe a 00:45:28.635 --> 00:45:30.360 feeling and then immediately judge it. 00:45:30.576 --> 00:45:32.449 I shouldn't feel this way. Why am I overreacting? 00:45:33.142 --> 00:45:36.555 But if you throw that non-violent communication vibe or that observation judgment approach 00:45:36.555 --> 00:45:39.579 in there, we simply notice our emotions. I am feeling anxious right now. 00:45:39.915 --> 00:45:44.485 That is interesting. Check that out. Because now I can look at it with observation, with curiosity, without judgment. 00:45:45.195 --> 00:45:52.795 We're not adding and that's bad or I am bad. Right there. That's bad. Guilt. I am bad. 00:45:53.703 --> 00:45:57.595 Shame. Not a big fan of either one. That practice of observing without judgment creates a safe place for self-reflection and 00:45:57.595 --> 00:46:02.696 growth and it allows us to understand our feelings at a deeper level without this burden 00:46:02.769 --> 00:46:09.555 of immediate criticism. Our brains are incredible tools and they are always seeking to make 00:46:09.555 --> 00:46:12.293 sense of the world and sometimes that's just adorable. 00:46:13.130 --> 00:46:24.167 But in that rush to categorize and judge, we miss out on depth and understanding and connection, not only with others, but with our own moment, our here and now, what it feels like to be us. 00:46:24.833 --> 00:46:37.130 So by embracing this art of observation and holding off on judgment, even if it's just for a moment, we start to pave the way for more meaningful interactions with the world around us, but more importantly, within us. 00:46:37.922 --> 00:46:44.340 There's an essay by David Foster Wallace, This is Water. Just in brief, he begins with a short 00:46:44.340 --> 00:46:48.020 parable about two young fish, they're swimming along and an older fish swims by and says, 00:46:48.020 --> 00:46:53.140 morning boys, how's the water? And the young fish continue on and then eventually one turns 00:46:53.140 --> 00:46:58.020 the other and he says, what the heck is water? I mean, the core of this story, it sets the stage 00:46:58.020 --> 00:47:04.100 for this George Foster Wallace, his exploration of consciousness, awareness, all the challenges 00:47:04.100 --> 00:47:10.340 of being a human, an adult. But he argues that the real value of education isn't about 00:47:10.340 --> 00:47:15.220 teaching people what to think, but rather how to think. And he dove into this importance 00:47:15.220 --> 00:47:19.520 of being critically aware of the world and one's place in it, rather than just moving 00:47:19.520 --> 00:47:24.300 through life in a default unconscious mode. So when we are just reacting and judging and 00:47:24.300 --> 00:47:31.126 beating ourselves up, we are in this reactionary mode. Wallace discussed our default mode of. 00:47:31.207 --> 00:48:00.980 The human condition as being inherently self-centered and not in a can you believe it but hey let's have an acceptance there because he describes it by default we interpret everything around us from a self-centered perspective everything we encounter long lines traffic jams annoying supermarket lines it's perceived in terms of how it affects me but he argues that the self-centered lens isn't the only way to see the world being educated and understanding what's happening around us means that we can choose to step out of this default setting and he encourages us to exercise this 00:48:00.980 --> 00:48:05.780 freedom and adjust our natural self-focused lens, because that in turn allows us to view 00:48:05.780 --> 00:48:09.800 situations more empathetically and consider that other people are also experiencing their 00:48:09.800 --> 00:48:11.663 own challenges and fears and struggles. 00:48:12.500 --> 00:48:15.800 And so then he emphasizes that that is the moment where we have the ability to decide 00:48:15.800 --> 00:48:20.540 how we interpret and respond to experiences, because then the frustrations of daily life, 00:48:20.728 --> 00:48:24.671 like I think in that when he talks about being in a long line at the supermarket, can be 00:48:24.940 --> 00:48:28.992 seen not just as an inconvenience to me, but as a shared human experience. 00:48:29.340 --> 00:48:36.460 So then by intentionally shifting our perspective from this inherent self-focus, self-centeredness, 00:48:36.460 --> 00:48:42.100 what can we do? approach life with a deeper sense of compassion and understanding. 00:48:41.073 --> 00:48:54.604 And so his this is water, it's a reminder that, again, life's filled with choices, not just choosing to be happy, but choosing what and how to think about the things that we think about, especially how we think and perceive. 00:48:55.162 --> 00:49:04.923 And it is natural to view the world from our own unique self-centered perspective, but it's also within our power to adjust that lens to be more conscious and considerate to the broader human experience. 00:49:05.370 --> 00:49:07.657 So why don't we do that for ourselves? 00:49:08.803 --> 00:49:11.744 Because now that we've looked at, let's take all the things that we've learned about today 00:49:12.158 --> 00:49:13.805 and let's sum these bad boys up. 00:49:14.083 --> 00:49:17.190 So now we're, I think it's safe to say we're moving from self-criticism to self-discovery. 00:49:17.245 --> 00:49:21.923 This is kind of funny because I think I've actually done this a time or two. 00:49:21.923 --> 00:49:26.803 Imagine that you're driving a car with the handbrake on, hypothetically, of course, struggling 00:49:26.803 --> 00:49:30.803 to move forward, burning probably a little more fuel than you would like, but not making 00:49:30.803 --> 00:49:34.151 as much progress. Something's wrong with the car. I'm laughing. It has happened. 00:49:34.883 --> 00:49:38.883 This is similar to how it feels when we are stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk, self-criticism. 00:49:38.883 --> 00:49:42.424 It's the, what's wrong with me narrative. It's like that handbrake. It holds us back. 00:49:42.803 --> 00:49:45.723 But through the things that we've talked about today, like changing our relationship with 00:49:45.723 --> 00:49:50.803 our thoughts, understanding implicit memory, becoming more observant, we're learning how 00:49:50.803 --> 00:49:54.803 to release the handbrake because now the car can move freely. 00:49:54.803 --> 00:49:57.232 But now we're faced with the question of where do I go now? 00:49:58.203 --> 00:50:01.703 Because this moment when we've disengaged this handbrake, but we haven't started driving 00:50:01.703 --> 00:50:06.983 toward a specific destination, I almost want to say there's our baseline. Now we're a baseline. 00:50:06.983 --> 00:50:11.623 It's time to start raising that baseline. It's this almost neutral space because sometimes 00:50:11.623 --> 00:50:17.023 we're in a pit, getting back to the pit of despair. It's an amazing band, but the pit 00:50:17.023 --> 00:50:21.623 of despair. And then we think we have to shoot all the way up to, and now I have got life 00:50:21.623 --> 00:50:26.063 figured out, but sometimes we're going to get back up to neutral and then neutral is 00:50:26.063 --> 00:50:27.858 where the past doesn't really weigh us down, 00:50:28.470 --> 00:50:30.190 and the future, it's exciting. 00:50:30.463 --> 00:50:31.225 It's full of potential. 00:50:31.819 --> 00:50:37.121 And it's at this place, at this kind of baseline, that the exploration of core values becomes crucial, 00:50:37.779 --> 00:50:41.785 because those are guiding principles and beliefs that resonate deeply with who we are, 00:50:42.289 --> 00:50:43.783 and they're a compass for our journey. 00:50:43.783 --> 00:50:46.916 They are, again, it's not about this destination, but it's this journey. 00:50:47.438 --> 00:50:50.703 They answer the big questions, like what's truly important to me? 00:50:50.703 --> 00:50:53.731 What matters to me? What do I stand for? What direction do I want to take in my life? 00:50:54.478 --> 00:50:59.403 Because remember those emotional calories that we talked about. So before they were being burned up by their relentless engine 00:50:59.403 --> 00:51:03.823 of self-criticism, but now with the hand break off and a compass, which is our core value 00:51:03.823 --> 00:51:09.543 in hand, now those calories start to fuel a journey. This very exciting, cool journey 00:51:09.543 --> 00:51:13.983 is going to go a lot of different places, a journey toward our passion, our goals, our 00:51:14.076 --> 00:51:17.623 aspirations. So now we got this newfound freedom. We got this energy. We got these emotional 00:51:17.623 --> 00:51:23.943 calories to burn. The narrative has now shifted from what's wrong with me to the very exciting, 00:51:24.050 --> 00:51:24.653 What can I become? 00:51:25.446 --> 00:51:41.296 Because this road ahead isn't just open, it's kind of inviting, because now with this newfound knowledge, every experience, every choice is an opportunity to shape who we are and align with what matters to us, instead of being held back by self-imposed limitations and beating ourselves up. 00:51:41.461 --> 00:51:50.220 Because now this world starts to, honest to goodness, become more of this landscape of possibility because now I'm pretty confident that nothing's wrong with me. I'm just doing a being. 00:51:50.877 --> 00:52:02.296 And now I'm on a journey. And I've got a lot of emotional calories I've been wasting for a long time. And so now my handbrake is off. I am no longer held back by my own doubt and criticism. It'll be there from time to time. That's a thing. 00:52:02.296 --> 00:52:09.216 Thing. But now it is time to discover. And that can be one of the most liberating feelings 00:52:09.216 --> 00:52:12.834 in the world. And it is going to take practice and it's going to take being intentional. 00:52:13.036 --> 00:52:17.456 And when you let your foot off the gas, still, you might find yourself reaching for that 00:52:17.456 --> 00:52:24.256 handbrake just out of pure habit. And when you do, just give yourself grace, bless your, 00:52:25.239 --> 00:52:29.096 heart, like go that handbrake and then just keep on moving forward. I hope that you can 00:52:29.096 --> 00:52:32.162 start to change that interior landscape of what it feels like to be you and it, 00:52:32.636 --> 00:52:38.176 does take a bit of time but I promise you it is so so well worth it and share 00:52:38.176 --> 00:52:41.176 this if you think it will help somebody else let me know if you have questions 00:52:41.176 --> 00:52:43.432 your thoughts or what your experiences are and I'll see you next time. 00:52:43.440 --> 00:53:49.309 Music.