In a world where appearances can be deceiving, Blake, a graphic designer in his 30s, seemingly
has it all. But beneath the surface, a storm rages, a voice constantly whispering,
you're not enough. As conversations about mental health echo louder, Blake's isolation deepens,
the weight of despair grows, almost pushing him to the edge. But one message, one podcast,
changes everything. That's the part where if I had a better budget and you were watching this
on video, the stage directions are cut to a close-up of Blake's phone screen playing
Tony Overbay's podcast, and then the room starts to brighten subtly. Anyway, back to
the movie trailer. Embark on a journey of transformation and self-discovery. From the,
precipice of despair to the path of enlightenment, discover the power of perspective, hope, and
the stories we tell ourselves. Blake's story is a testament to the resilience of the human
spirit, a beacon for all who seek light in the darkest of times. Coming soon, find hope,
find yourself, and discover that the world awaits your unique touch.
And then that's the part where the music would fade out on the trailer. But before we get started
today, I really do want to tell you a story about Blake. And actually, I've always wanted to do the
movie, trailer, voice, and it really wasn't as impressive as I thought it was. But let me tell.
Tell you about Blake. Blake was in his 30s and he was a graphic designer. And he always
felt like he was on the periphery of life, watching it go by, but never really participating.
Now to the world, he seemed to have it all, a decent job, a very comfortable apartment
and a really cool town, and even a group of friends that he would hang out with on occasion.
But inside, there was an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, a nagging voice that continually
reminded him, you're not enough. Why? Why can't you be like everybody else? And every
small setback, be it a missed deadline or a misunderstood comment from a friend, it,
was like a punch to his self-worth, and this voice would chime in, and it seemed like every
incident, every emotion, everything was filtered through this very self-critical lens, and
it reinforced this dark narrative in his mind. Now, his awareness of rising discussions about
mental health and society actually seemed to make things worse. It made him isolate.
At one point he told me, everybody's talking about it, so why do I feel worse?
And then he would wonder. He said it felt paradoxical.
Instead of finding happiness or calm or solace in hanging out with other people,
in this shared human experience, he felt even more alienated because he felt like he must really be fundamentally flawed
and it had to be in ways that other people weren't.
They couldn't be having this same experience. And as days turned into weeks and the weight of these feelings grew heavier and heavier,
then the once sporadic thoughts of giving up started to dominate.
And he hit the point where even in his darkest moments, Blake seriously considered.
What if I just didn't have to feel this way anymore? And it seemed like the only escape
from this whole barrage of negative self-talk and just feeling like being perpetually stuck,
was the old, I just hope I get hit by a meteor story. And if you've heard me talk about this
before, the brain is a don't get killed device. It wants to live. And so it goes through, hey,
hey, how about some, how about a little bit of anxiety?
How about maybe even some depression? What can I do to get your attention?
And then if we don't pay attention to our body and to our environment and to our feelings and thoughts,
then it might even start to try the, you know, I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal,
but sometimes I feel like I just wish I just would get hit by a meteor.
And Blake was there. So then one evening, he was just scrolling through his phone
and an old college friend sent him a message.
And they just said, hey Blake, I was listening to a podcast episode today.
It was something that my mom had actually sent me, and it reminded me of some of the
conversations that we used to have back in college.
And he said, I thought you might find it interesting. And the episode happened to be my podcast discussion with Nate Christensen about the
paradox of rising depression rates despite society's increasing openness about mental health issues.
And if you haven't heard that one, I'll link that in the show notes, but I had some
very strong opinions about maybe we just aren't putting out the right tools.
So nothing to lose. thank goodness Blake pressed play. And the discussion between my colleague Nate and I.
It resonated with Blake in ways that he had not expected. And he started to feel like,
okay, maybe I'm not alone in my feelings. Because that podcast, he said, addressed a lot of the
contradictions that he felt, and more importantly, it offered insight into the roots of the feelings
that he was having. So he was starting to understand the power of the narratives that
we tell ourselves and the significance of separating even his own observation of what
was going on in his life from the judgment of what that meant or what stories he was
starting to create about what the things he was doing meant.
Now, it was not an instant fix, but for the first time in years, a very long time, Blake
felt hope. He felt a glimmer of light and he started to become an avid listener to my
podcast and eventually reached out and gave me permission to share some of the bare bones
of this story like I'm doing right now.
But he said there were a lot of episodes that slowly started to rebuild his perspective
and his understanding of himself.
Now the journey has been long and it has not been without challenges.
But with time, Blake has learned to kind of reframe his thoughts and understanding maybe
the roots of where those thoughts come from.
And that has been gently guiding him toward a more compassionate and hopeful narrative.
Now we are not going to say today, just change your thoughts.
Just choose to be happy. Come on, what's wrong with you?
As a matter of fact, we're going to dive into why that may not be the most helpful
thing when you hear that advice.
And he began to see the world not as a judge waiting to criticize him, but more as a beautiful
canvas waiting for his own unique touch.
So Blake's story truly serves as a testament to the power, first of all, of reaching out.
Thank goodness his friend did and shared some knowledge, sought a shared experience, but.
It really speaks to the transformative impact of understanding ourselves better and the
stories that we tell ourselves. And so his journey from the precipice of despair, which
okay, that sounds like an amazing alternative band. And I think I would go see Precipice
of Despair, and I'm not quite sure who they would open with, but I digress. But he goes
from the precipice of despair to this path of self-discovery. And I want that to be a
reminder that there truly is hope. There are tools, there are answers, and they may lie
in perspectives that you haven't even yet considered. The old, I didn't know what
I didn't know story. So coming up on today's episode of the Virtual Couch, oh, we're
going to talk about this and we are going to talk about the inner dialogue, the inner
monologue that we tell ourselves. Maybe some of the origin stories of that, but even better
yet the right tools that I think can really help start to change that internal landscape
of your mind. That and so much more coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch.
Hey everybody, welcome to today's episode of the virtual couch. I'm your host Tony Overbay.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified mindful habit coach and a
podcast host of this one as well as waking up to narcissism, waking up to narcissism,
the premium question and answer episodes. Love ADHD with my friend Julie Lee and then
the mind, the mirror me with my daughter, Mackie, I so highly recommend you go check
that one out. Last week, we did an episode on solitude that was amazing. And murder on
the couch with my daughter, Sydney is it is the funniest episode I think I've ever done.
And I even someone in my office yesterday said it was so funny, but I know we're talking
about we're talking about crime and murder. So I don't want to dismiss that fact. Go watch
the fourth episode on YouTube and just go to 10 minutes into it and just watch that
scene alone. And I think that I think you'll be hooked on that podcast and there's plenty
more coming up there.
Talking about plenty more, just go sign up for my newsletter, if you will. You can go to tonyoverbay.com and sign up, or there's a link in the show notes. There's a link tree that has links to a whole lot of things, the revamp of the Magnetic Marriage Course.
I alluded in this week's newsletter to some more information I'm going to be sharing about people that are navigating faith journeys, and I want your experiences on that as well, because there's some events coming up, maybe a course coming up there as well.
I was on Loving an Addict by Kira and Duff Dyer.
And if you remember, they are the people that came on the virtual couch, it was a few months
ago and talked about the tragic death of their daughter, Emma.
And that episode has just, it has legs, it has just gone around the world quite literally.
And then they started their own podcast, Loving an Addict. It is powerful.
And I went on there and talked about pornography and how we can move away from turning to pornography
as a coping mechanism.
We talked about youth and pornography. And then I had recorded an episode on a podcast called Unashamed and Unafraid months ago,
and it happened to hit this week as well.
And I don't like listening to myself, but there were some amazing guys on that podcast that were the hosts.
And I just, I didn't remember exactly all the things we talked about.
So I listened to a little bit of it yesterday and I highly recommend that one.
So if you are struggling, somebody in your family is, or you just want to turn away from
that as a coping mechanism, we're taking the shame out of it.
I highly recommend listening to those two episodes. I'll put those in the show notes, but loving and addict,
and then unashamed and unafraid, which then it makes perfect sense.
That to go sign up for my Path Back Recovery Program.
It's powerful. There's a weekly group call that is tonight, the night that I'm recording this,
and it is one of the highlights of my week, and that's part of the Path Back Recovery Program.
There's all the business, but let's talk about our inner voice.
It's that inner voice that so often brings us down.
And have you ever wondered why? Why when you make a mistake or something goes wrong
and I'm telling you we could go do a whole episode on wrong.
I really struggle, but I'm gonna meet people where they're at, but wrong, right, good, bad.
But in reality, I feel, for the most part, that we're all trying and we're doing.
And so then we're going to assign some judgment on that. Wrong, right, better, best, not as good.
So we'll get to that at a later date.
But if something goes not the way that you wish it does, we'll call it wrong for now.
The first voice that you hear in your mind is most often it's critical.
Why do we default to the negative self-talk?
Why do we default right to shame?
Let's break that down. I got a few different reasons why.
The number one is it's really the evolutionary perspective because imagine way back in the
time when our ancestors lived in the wild, they had to be so alert to danger.
If they made a mistake, like literally stepping on a twig, that would alert a predator and
it could mean life or death.
So our brains by default just developed this very heightened sensitivity to mistakes and
that was there to help us survive.
Fast forward to today and we may not have predators chasing us, but our brain still
has that old wiring, bless its little pink squishy heart.
So when we, again, mess up on a test or we just don't do as well as we had hoped that
we would do, or we forget our assignment, I love ADHD this week, Julie and I talk about
the challenges of our executive functioning when somebody has ADHD or even ADHD like tendencies.
And that can lead to a variety of forgotten assignments, which then we want to beat ourselves up.
But when we do that, our brain still reacts in a similar way to back when we were on the
Savannah. It scolds us and it's thinking that that helps us survive. But nowadays
it does more harm than it does good.
Let's talk about the social factor, because I think that is one that is becoming more and more increasingly there, something we need to be aware of, because at a very young age, we also learn behaviors and norms from our families and friends and schools and even the media.
And this is that concept where we all have this inherent need to belong.
We want to belong to a people, we want to belong to a tribe.
And what can happen in that scenario is that it's inevitable to start comparing and that might start from a good thing.
If we're comparing what your strengths and weaknesses are, then, okay, I might be the cobbler making shoes.
Somebody might be the blacksmith. Somebody might be the farmer. I'm not quite sure what I would be doing in that society.
I think maybe I could carry water from a stream. I mean, I've got pretty decent stamina.
Stamina, but so it's almost natural for us to compare in order to then find our order, our place in society, but then there's also that comparison where as long as I am not the weakest link, I will survive.
I know the joke is said often, but if you're out in the woods and there seems to be a bear around, you're sizing everybody up and saying, all right, at least I'm faster than that guy.
So, sometimes though those external voices teach us that then making mistakes is bad because we may not maintain our space in the tribe. We might get booted out of the pack and if we do, it becomes a life or death situation to our primitive brain.
So again, we will feel like making mistakes is bad and if we are not perfect, we're not good enough.
And over time, and here's why I want to start painting this picture, over time.
Those voices become our inner voices. It's like having the strict teacher inside your head all the time grading every single thing that you do.
And that's one of the biggest things I want us to really focus on today is that if you find your default language is the, I suck, what's wrong with me, I hate when I do that, you start to believe that person that you're telling yourself that you are.
Now, I'm not saying, here's what we're going to talk about, we're not going all or nothing, black or white.
If you say, I'm always amazing and I'm wonderful, then our own brain's like, wow, and you're nuts and you're crazy.
So that isn't the remedy as well.
But one of the third reasons why we do this with our brain is this again goes back to this quest for perfection.
And when we're talking about social in particular, social media doesn't necessarily help.
And I'm not yelling at the kids to get off my lawn because I use it as well.
But when we see the pictures and the posts of people looking perfect and happy and successful, it can often make us feel like we need to be perfect too.
And when we're not, you guessed it, that inner critic, that strict teacher comes out in full force.
And I think it's almost my duty or maybe it's my by law as a therapist or somebody that works with people on a day-to-day basis, a lot of people, to say that I get to talk to people that acknowledge that they put out the best version of themselves because that's what they feel like they need to, or they may do it to get the validation, but that is not what their life is like 24-7, which I think we know inherently, but maybe we don't.
Maybe we do assume that but some people have it all figured out, which I don't think that's the case.
So let's talk about the importance then of self-compassion.
Because here's the thing Beating yourselves up does not make you better. I know that's a hot take
but in fact, it starts to make us feel worse and it holds us back and,
I just feel like that concept is just so true that if beating ourselves up worked and made us better,
We would all be perfect because we're really good at beating ourselves up,
So imagine if your best friend came to you and they are upset about a mistake they made. This is one of the oldest therapy tropes in the book. What would you tell them? Would you berate them? Would you shame them?
If you're kind of a jerk, you might, or if you're an emotionally mature narcissistic individual, because there's your chance. I'm going to take the one up position, but we're saving that for another podcast.
But would you be right and shame them or would you be understanding and supportive and say,
hey, you know what, you're trying your best and things are going to get better.
And man, don't beat yourself up. That's not going to help you in the long run.
Like most of us would say that we would do those things. So why don't we treat ourselves the same?
Because our inherent thing goes back to those, what's wrong with me, that inner critic.
And I just want to impress that that inner critic, I mean, it's part of being human and it was there and it serves a purpose.
Sometimes I used to serve a purpose a lot of times, most all the time, but just like we can learn this negative self talk and that becomes our default.
We, I promise you can start to learn self compassion because being kind to yourself doesn't mean that if you're worried about this right now that you're letting yourself off the hook or you're not taking responsibility because this is where I want people to be aware that
our own brain when thinking about the things it's hearing now is going to yeah but with
all or nothing black or white.
Oh okay I guess I just never have to take ownership of anything.
I'm going to live in a life of fairy tales and unicorns and that will make me happy.
I did not say that.
So it means understanding that everybody has challenges. Everybody makes mistakes.
We'll go with that for right now. Mistakes.
Even though everybody is just doing and being in ways that maybe they had not hoped to do
or be. And that's okay.
Because by practicing the self-compassion, we start to create a healthier mindset,
we start to feel better about ourselves.
And one of the key things, we begin to bounce back from challenges faster.
It doesn't mean that the challenges aren't gonna happen, but it does start to allow us to bounce back faster.
So let's dig into the concept of self-compassion, because a lot of times people say,
you must have self-compassion, you must love yourself. What does that mean?
Because it is vital for emotional and mental health and wellbeing. What is it?
It's, let me kind of jump right to it. I mean, real talk, I know the kids don't say that anymore,
but self-compassion is not about telling yourselves that you are perfect or again, avoiding responsibility.
It's treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you treat a good friend.
Think of it this way. If you were, again, friends having a rough day,
you wouldn't say, yeah, it's pretty much all your fault.
Instead, you'd likely be supportive and understanding. that self-compassion.
So, turn that inward. Can you be supportive and understanding with yourself? Because it's the first time that you're going through life as you right now.
Now, I will just briefly touch on mindfulness, but you know that feeling when you are super mad, all you want to do is react.
Learning how to sit with that discomfort is a game changer. Self-compassion starts by taking a moment, and if you just heard yourself say,
and breathe, don't tell me the guy's saying breathe, but let's take a moment to breathe
and become aware of the feelings without judging them.
And that takes a practice. Mindfulness is a practice.
Meditation is a practice and it takes repetition,
but it begins to become part of your own inner landscape.
And I testify, I witness unto you that it is something that you do not know
that you don't know if it's something that you don't do right now. I promise you that.
Starting to take up a daily mindfulness practice, It takes time, but I love it. I really do.
It lowers your heart rate. It gets you in almost like this trance-like state, not in a weird way.
I don't get up and all of a sudden find myself clucking like a chicken, or every time a bell rings,
I get up and walk around and do the Macarena or anything like that.
But it just allows you to just be and be more present, and I never thought I would be the guy talking like that.
But it is like hitting a bit of a pause button. So that way, instead of immediately defaulting
to the negative or getting lost in those negative thoughts or feeling those big emotions and reacting
to get rid of the emotions or to get rid of the discomfort,
you notice them and you say, all right, I am having a moment right now.
That is a thing, that is okay. Self-compassion, it involves being able to challenge your inner critic
because remember that inner voice that sometimes sounds like a nagging parent
or a strict teacher, it's time to have a chat with them because if that voice says you are so stupid,
then I think there's a way to challenge it.
And this isn't a, I know I need to not think that, because again, I am thinking that.
Check that out. I have the I am so stupid thought.
So just bringing awareness to that and with meeting it with a little bit of a,
man, you know, everybody makes mistakes, but I can learn from this.
What can I learn from this? This happened. By recognizing and challenging the negative self-talk,
you start to change the narrative in your head. Notice I am not saying you just change it.
You don't just say, oh no, I nailed that, or that's a them issue, or immediately,
it's say, I'm noticing that. I'm noticing the old, what's wrong with me story,
the old, I'm broken story.
That is a story. There are a lot of stories that go through my brain.
Then that leads to practicing some self-kindness. This can be as simple as saying kind words to yourself instead of beating yourself up after a setback, say things like, again, okay, that happened. That is one of the most powerful things that personally that I do.
That happened. That was a thing. I did that. It's okay. Everybody has an off day. Everybody has an off moment. And what a joy. I do. I have a narrative in my head that I enjoy, quite frankly, at this point where it's like, what a joy. What an opportunity to grow.
Grow. Even if I'm not buying it myself at first, because my brain's like, Oh, here he goes. All right, let's just get to the
part where he he has a joke or two ready to go. And then he just continues to move forward. I will try again, or even All
right, I'm gonna give myself credit for trying. It sounds simple might even sound silly, but words are powerful. They
really are because we're good at the negative ones. How about.
Those positive ones? Because the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Which leads me to wanting to lovingly beg
of you to recognize our common humanity.
Because guess what? Nobody, no one is perfect, seriously. Everybody, including a super popular influencer
or the straight-A student has moments of self-doubt.
More moments than you probably know.
They make mistakes or they face challenges. And when we can remember that everybody goes
through struggles, it really can help us feel less isolated and more connected,
which is one of the big reasons why the more that you can go and do and put yourself out there
and listen and learn and be amongst the people,
the more that you'll recognize that there are people that are also having experiences.
Now, when you are around people that pretend that everything is perfect and they've never had that problem.
I work with so many people that struggle with trying to overcome addictive behaviors.
And what does that look like? It is frustrating to then when they are talking to,
let's just say a religious leader or a parent or somebody that says, well, champ,
that's never happened to me, so I can't even imagine.
But you know, here's what I would do because you literally just said something
that I don't know if I believe.
And now you're gonna give me advice when you just literally said,
I don't know what you're even talking about, that is not something that makes us feel more connected.
Makes us feel more isolated.
And then I will say there's data around this keep a gratitude or a compassion journal grab a notebook spend a minute or two it's all it takes each day right right about a time that you maybe were hard on yourself and then rewrite the situation with a more compassionate perspective or truly intentionally right one or two things that you were grateful for from the day.
Because one of the nice things it can do is it does start to paint that inner landscape.
And the way it does that is now you're just noticing things that maybe you could write about today.
So you're more aware because you're simply thinking about it.
It doesn't mean that now from this moment forward everything will be amazing and wonderful and I could write about everything all the time every day.
No. All or nothing thinking.
But I might be aware of, oh, I could maybe write that down today and try to do something unique every day.
Over time, over time, this practice helps shift your mindset, that internal landscape
of what it feels like to be you.
And I did not take the time to look this up. And in my formerly more emotionally immature days, I would make it up.
You are a product of the five people you spend the most time around.
There's something that has to do with something like that, which I know I could challenge
that because sometimes you're stuck with people that maybe you're not a big fan of.
But you can surround yourself with compassionate people, positive people, people that are already
being and doing a little bit more of the things that you would like to be and do?
Because have you ever just noticed how moods around you can be contagious?
We're drawn to certain people and we are somewhat avoidant of others.
Because if you're around people that are constantly critical, it's easy to pick up on that energy.
And as a matter of fact, sometimes you learn that you just start to become indifferent.
That is one of the most used words I hear in counseling and therapy, are people that
just grow to this place from rage or anger to indifference. And they may feel like, it's okay, I'd rather be indifferent than angry, but that's where
your body's starting to say, what does that matter?
The same goes for kindness. Hang out with friends and loved ones who lift you up and encourage you,
who you just feel a connection with. Their compassion truly can start to inspire you.
I'm not saying it will carry you along, but it can inspire you to be more compassionate
to yourself because it all becomes part of your inner monologue or what it feels like to be you.
So in this learning, let's go cliches a little more. Learning self-compassion
is a journey, not a destination. You won't get to a place of, I now have
self-compassion. You will start to be more self-compassionate and then as part of the
human experience, things will happen and then you will notice them and you will sometimes
go right back to that hardwired default setting of what is wrong with me or beating myself up,
but you will notice that as a thought and here comes some more, some more of like maybe more
self-compassionate or of gratitude or of what can I learn in this moment and it all starts to become
part of your interior landscape. But again, journey, it's not a destination. Some days are
are going to be a lot easier than others. And that is, that is great. What's important
is you continue to move forward. I remember, um, in my more ultra running days, when you're
running a nice hundred miler or even more 24 hours around a track, there are a lot of
times where it's just constant forward motion. If you're walking, if you're rolling around
on the ground, if you're doing anything, if you're moving forward, you're moving closer
and closer along the path here. I was about to say toward the destination. I literally
I just said it isn't a destination,
but you are moving forward on your journey.
We'll put it that way.
But as you keep practicing these tools, these techniques of self-compassion,
it will help you recognize that you deserve kindness just as much as anybody else does.
So, I want to share a quote from Rick Hansen's book, Buddha's Brain, The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom.
One of my favorite quotes, I know that I have used it before, and I will break it down into small, delicious bite-sized pieces after I share the initial quote.
So, he says, much as your body is built from the food you eat, your mind is built from the experiences that you have.
The flow of experience gradually sculpts your brain, thus shaping your mind.
Mind. Some of the results can be explicitly recalled, this is what I did last summer,
this is how I felt when I was in love, but most of the shaping of your mind remains forever
unconscious. And this is called your implicit memory, and it includes your expectations,
your models of relationships, your emotional tendencies, and your general outlook. That's a,
lot of the things that are just happening in your life. So he goes on to say, implicit memory
establishes the interior landscape of your mind or what it feels like to be you, and here's the key,
based on the slow accumulating residue of lived experience. But here's the problem.
Rick goes on to say your brain preferentially scans for, registers, stores, recalls,
and reacts to unpleasant experiences. What we've already talked about today.
But I love what he says here. He says it's like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for
positive ones. So consequently, even when positive experiences outnumber the negative ones, the pile
of negative implicit memories partially grows faster, so then that background feeling of
what it feels like to be you can become undeservedly glum and pessimistic.
So I hope that you can see how this, it really is about how you treat yourself and that self-compassion
and the self-care and the self-talk, all of those things.
And he says the remedy is not to suppress negative experiences when they happen, because
When they happen, they just happen.
But it's to foster positive experiences and in particular to take them in so they become a permanent part of you.
So we're not trying to push away the negative, it's there. We acknowledge it, we recognize it, they are thoughts, they are feelings, they are emotions and they happen because they're happening.
So it's like your brain is this big sponge. I think that's maybe an easier way to think about it.
It. So everything you experience, every joy, every heartbreak, every small moment just
gets soaked up into this sponge. And over time, they start to experience what the inside
of that sponge starts to look like, what your thoughts are, your feelings, who you are.
So it's like your mind's recipe is built from all of these moments. And some things you
are going to remember clearly, like an awesome vacation, or I still remember very well playing
left field and a baseball game my junior year. And he literally, this sounds like made up
state championship baseball game playing in Kearns, Utah of all places in the American
Legion League for my beloved Alta Hawks and a ball comes out to me. I'm not a big person
in the outfield, but I was playing up and in varsity and it hits the palm of my glove
and it falls right out. I can remember that like it was yesterday. That is part of my
brain sponge and my implicit memory. And it is interesting because it will still bring
up a really kind of a feeling, but then I can notice that's a feeling and I'm back.
Here we are, we're podcasting because most of that recipe does get baked into the background.
So there I saw a little bit of it, a little bit of that residue of my lived experience.
And a lot of times you won't even realize it.
This again is your implicit memory. It's the hidden stuff that makes you feel a certain way about yourself.
There probably been times throughout my life where I've thought, man, if I would have caught
that ball, there were scouts there, what would have happened?
I'd be living at some beach somewhere, retired, major league baseball, but you'll find yourself
doing that. And then those are thoughts.
Those are fascinating, but then again, that part about the brain is it's like Velcro for
the negative and Teflon for the positive.
Because our brains, they're kind of wacky that way. They hold on to that bad stuff.
It's another way to think of it as like a magnet.
And then it's like it's greased in Crisco or butter spray for the good ones.
So even if you had a lot of good days, we find ourselves hanging on to those that magnetized,
I messed up again, or the Velcro that stuck to the what's wrong with me or why am I like that?
And those negative thoughts pile up because those good ones keep just sliding off.
So we have to be very intentional about what we do with those negative and those positive thoughts.
It can start to make you feel really down, even if there's no real reason to.
Honestly, if I allowed myself to just sit and think about dropping that ball or some other
things that would come up, there's a good chance that I could get myself in a pretty crummy mood,
but quite frankly, why? Again, we don't need to ignore the bad times because everybody has them,
but we need to truly feel and embrace the good ones. Let those good moments sink in
so that they become a part of who you are.
So then every time you tell yourself something negative, like what's wrong with me, I always mess things up,
it's also, I've heard this once said, where it's like adding a little drop of a little bit of a darker liquid
into a clear glass of water.
One drop might not seem like much, but then over time, the drops add up
and the water starts to look a little bit murky.
That is a way that our implicit memory works, that those negative thoughts and moments,
if repeated often enough become part of the background feeling or the vibe of your mind,
and it starts to shape what it feels like to be you.
But just like we can add in that dark ink, we can also add in clear water, or even sparkly
glitter if we want by embracing positive experiences and thoughts.
So instead of focusing on what went wrong, focus on what went right.
Remember the compliment that somebody gave you, hold on to it, take it in that time that
you you did well on a project or you helped a friend feel it deeply, but you have to be intentional.
I spoke recently at a youth activity, there were four sessions of youth coming in, and I tried to explain this and just said, because the place I was speaking, I had some implicit memory, I had some relational frame, I had some feelings and emotions tied to the place that I was speaking.
And I talked about if something resonates and you feel it, and you like that, and you think that this is something I would like to remember or take in, then in that moment, be intentional.
Sit up straight, put those shoulders, square the shoulders, breathe in through that nose, expand that chest, be present, look at who is around you, look at feel the sun beaming in on from the window, and then and recognize what that feeling is, and what you just heard and internalize that, because that's what we have to do to be intentional to change that landscape, our inner landscape of our mind.
Because then over time, adding more good stuff to the brain sponge or the recipe, we can.
Balance out those negatives and we can start to make the entire mind recipe of ours feel a lot better.
And that can just over time, it starts to feel better to be you.
Because you're not pretending the difficult things aren't happening.
Because they are. It's part of the human condition.
But by intentionally looking at those difficult experiences as things that have happened,
catastrophizing them, then they won't hold as much emotional weight.
And I think one of the problems or one of the challenges that I run into in my office
is that when people then say, and I alluded to this at the beginning, that you can just
choose that I'm going to be happy today, choose how I feel, that I understand that can feel
sometimes like something is wrong with me if I can't just magically choose to be happy
when you're going through difficult times.
But you can change the relationship that you have with your thoughts, being able to notice them for what they truly are, their thoughts and their emotions, their feelings.
So the choice is more about what meaning you assign to which thought and how much of what I like to call emotional calories are you going to expend on which thoughts?
Because that is where I believe the choice comes in.
Choosing what meaning and what significance you assign to the various thoughts and feelings and the emotions you're having,
that's where you start to take more intention or control over what it feels like to be you.
Again, based off of the implicit memory that we just talked about.
I remember not too long ago, spilling hot chocolate on myself.
And I don't remember exactly where I was going, so that's funny if I think about it that way.
But my implicit memory absolutely reminds me that I spilled that.
And one reaction might be to think, just my luck, everything always goes wrong for me.
Because that thought then magnifies the situation, turning a little mishap of something that just happened
into a massive catastrophe.
And now I might even pull the victim card out for the rest of the day.
It all started with spilling the hot chocolate.
The more healthy thing to do is to say, I did, check that out, spilled the hot chocolate.
That is a thing. It might even be a frustrating thing, but it's just a moment in my day.
And I'm noticing the stain on my pants.
And I'm now gonna need to come up with a funny story or just own it.
But by seeing the event as an isolated incident and not a reflection of my entire life
or who I am as a person or human being or think that there's the universe or God himself is out to get me,
then it lessens its emotional impact.
Because I have to think that if we're saying, why did this happen and is God punishing me?
I feel like he's up there, really? Like the hot chocolate, that's what you think I do?
Say that you fail a test, like literally, this is one where I'll give you, there is
a pass fail. So you fail, you get the grade lower than you wanted to. In my line of work,
you maybe even fail the licensing exam and have to take it over again. It was one of
the biggest fears of my whole life going into that. It's easy to then jump to conclusions
like I am terrible at this and this must not be what I'm meant to be or I am a failure.
But when you stop to reassess, then you might be able to stop and think, I didn't do well
on this test or in this subject or at this time, but it is one test.
The main thing here is what can I learn?
How can I improve? How can I self-confront? Did I really not study very well?
Did I get much sleep?
Did I have too much confidence going in?
Because here you're able to recognize the difficulty or the situation that happened
without letting it define your entire self-worth.
So if I go back to that concept of choosing how you feel versus choosing how you react, then I get it. I get when somebody then, they do, they say, okay, you can choose how you feel, because it does, it can sound dismissive, especially if you're going through a really rough patch.
It's like telling somebody to just say, just turn off your emotions. Like, don't worry about it. That'll chestnut, right? But the reality is, we can't always control our initial feelings or reactions.
But what we're talking about here is that while we can't necessarily choose our feelings, we can choose our relationship with those feelings.
Because it's the difference of maybe being caught up in a storm versus watching the storm from a distance or being present in the storm and noticing I am getting wet.
Noticing that I wish I would have brought an umbrella. Because when you're in the middle of it, it can feel chaotic and it can feel overwhelming, especially if it catches you by surprise.
But when you step back and you observe it, you can see it for what it is.
It's a temporary event. It's not the entirety of your existence.
Then you can really see it for what it is.
So, change in the relationship with your thoughts.
Imagine it as if your mind is a very big sky.
Your thoughts and your feelings, those are as fluffy as clouds.
And some of the clouds are fluffy and pleasant. Others are dark and stormy.
And if you try to control or fight the clouds, you'll end up frustrated.
But you can observe them.
You can acknowledge them. them, you can let them pass, you can think that some of them look like animals or some
have significant meaning to them, but you're just noticing that. But not every dark cloud
is going to signify a never-ending storm. And this ties into what I like to call emotional
calories. So just like we choose what foods we consume, I think this is a similar vibe
of we can choose which thoughts to feed and give energy to. So every time we ruminate
on a negative thought or spiral into worst case scenarios, we are expending valuable
emotional energy and emotional calories.
I literally think this is why so many people that are feeling overwhelmed or down or depressed
do feel often exhausted because it is a lot to think about and expend those emotional
calories on these worst case scenarios.
Sometimes I think your brain just says, yeah, I just want to, I just want to take it.
I just want to take it easy right now. Maybe this will be better tomorrow.
But by recognizing those thoughts for what they are, they're just thoughts, and choosing
not to give them undue significance, then we persevere and we can increase our emotional
well-being, raising our emotional baseline.
Because life will continue to throw the curveballs.
That is a given.
But remember, we have the power then to now decide, and I'm talking about the good version,
how much weight we give to each experience.
Not about pretending problems don't exist, I will say that over and over, but it's about
seeing them in the right perspective. And when we do, then we can navigate life's challenges with more clarity and more resilience.
And I think that here's, let me carry on this train of thought a little bit more. Let's dig a little bit deeper into how much power or weight that we give to each experience and how that will be different for each person. I think that's significant as well.
Because what something means to us may not mean something the same. It won't mean the same to somebody else.
Else. And there are these degrees of our emotional reaction. Because we are truly, we are a combination
of our own nature, nurture, birth order, DNA, abandonment, attachment, wounds, our hopes,
dreams, our successes, our failures, our gains, our losses, all of those things are incredibly
unique to you as a human being. Because this is where you get back to the point where you
You are the only version of you to have ever walked the face of the earth.
So you are actually experiencing life in real time based on all of those inputs of course.
You will have a variety of thoughts and feelings and emotions and so you're going to feel the
way you do about certain situations because nothing is wrong with you, but because that's how you're feeling.
So rather than beating yourself up with the old what's wrong with me story or why am I
thinking that, it's important to begin to shift the inner narrative now to the check
this out, here are my thoughts, again, look at them without judgment.
A few weeks ago, I did a podcast where I was talking about looking through life with orange
tinted glasses and that to step outside of your own ego, you have to take those glasses
off and then the world can look pretty different.
Let's go back to a glasses analogy. So think about wearing a pair of tinted glasses that are crafted from all of those experiences
that I just talked about. The nature, the nurture, the birth order, the DNA.
So even, I'm not even saying you're trying an orange tinted pair of glasses on.
This tint is so unique to you that everything will look slightly different to you than someone else.
Even to the point where if you give somebody else these glasses, they're even like, I've
never really seen this tint. Not really quite sure what to do with that.
So two people might be looking through at the same scenery, but through their unique lenses, and they will perceive colors and shadows and details different.
So now, when you encounter a situation, you have an emotional response, it's a result of looking through your one-of-a-kind, amazingly wonderful glasses.
So you feel a certain way, it's not because something is wrong with you, it is simply your unique tapestry with your glasses on, interacting with the world.
But here's again where people get tripped up instead of acknowledging and accepting our feelings, we often then go back to judging ourselves.
Questions like, why am I feeling this way? Or what's wrong with me? Or I know I shouldn't think this.
It starts to cloud up our minds. So it's like trying to fit our unique tapestry into a generic frame. Doesn't work.
It's like some cheap frame and you're trying to cram your pictures in there.
So here's where the power of perspective comes in.
So instead of berating ourselves with the judgmental questions, it is now time to become
curious because we're shifting that entire inner landscape of our mind or what it feels
like to be us. Embrace a narrative of exploration.
Check this out.
Here are my thoughts. There they are.
It's the difference between being a harsh critic and a curious observer.
And I am not a huge, I am not an art creator at all. I do enjoy looking at art.
So imagine though you're in this is the shift that happened of why I do appreciate it.
Imagine you are walking through an art gallery and instead of judging every painting you
observe, you ponder, maybe even marvel at the unique blend of colors and strokes because,
your thoughts and feelings deserve the same level of nonjudgmental attention.
When you shift from judgment to observation, you not only start to understand yourself
better, but you create a space for acceptance and growth.
And I think this one is really interesting if we go back to that art example, because
– and here's where I want to introduce a little bit more of the Marshall Rosenberg's
concepts of nonviolent communication, especially the key idea of separating our observations
from our judgments. So let's go back into this art gallery. We're surrounded by a ton,
of different pieces of art. So every piece represents that artist's unique perspective
with his own glasses on his or her their own glasses on every piece represents that artist's
unique perspective, their feelings, their experiences, their emotions, their unique.
Glasses that they have on in the way they see the world. So when we view this artwork, our minds naturally attempt to interpret, categorize, even judge that artwork.
So this is in our DNA right here. This is an instinctual drive to judge. It's rooted in our brain's desire to try to make sense of the world and to place things in familiar categories so we can understand because we believe that will help us navigate our surroundings more easily.
So, if I go back to Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, that emphasizes
the importance of separating observation from judgment.
Because in the context of the art gallery, this means viewing each piece of art without
immediately attaching a label or an evaluation to it or assuming this is what this is, boy,
this guy was nuts. I don't know what he was thinking, versus curiosity, what was he thinking?
What was his experience?
What was he or she, what were they trying to communicate with this piece?
Because observation, and again, think about this with your own thoughts, but right now
we're in an art gallery. It's about seeing what's present, the facts and the reality
in front of us without adding our personal interpretations, which is what we want to
do so desperately. So when observing a painting, we might not note, we might note the colors
used, the strokes, the size, the details of the imagery. We might note those things. Judgment
on the other hand, is our evaluation or interpretation of those observations. So when we start thinking
things like, this painting is a mess, this is pretty chaotic, or the sky, this is worth
three grand? This is a work of an amateur. Marshall Rosenberg believed that our
quick leap from observation to judgment came from our brains innate need to
create meaning from what we see. Our brains are wired for efficiency. They
I like shortcuts, oh, they like them.
By quickly attacking by quickly attaching judgment, we can more easily categorize and process information. However, this efficiency comes at the sacrifice of depth of understanding connection. And now we know, also, it can come to the expense of our interior landscape.
So let's take a look at just becoming more observant. Pure observation. By taking a moment to purely observe before jumping into judgment, even with ourselves, we give ourselves the chance to truly connect with art, with others, and most importantly, with our moment, our present moment, what it feels like to be us.
That pause, that observation is where we can start to change the game film for what it feels like to be us.
Because this process allows for a deeper understanding, it allows for more empathy, more acceptance.
So before deciding whether a painting is good or bad, we can dive into understanding its
elements, the emotions that it might represent, the story behind it.
Because then we are granting ourselves a richer experience and a more profound connection with the art.
So same, when it comes to our thoughts and feelings, it's so easy for us to observe a
feeling and then immediately judge it.
I shouldn't feel this way. Why am I overreacting?
But if you throw that non-violent communication vibe or that observation judgment approach
in there, we simply notice our emotions. I am feeling anxious right now.
That is interesting. Check that out. Because now I can look at it with observation, with curiosity, without judgment.
We're not adding and that's bad or I am bad. Right there. That's bad. Guilt. I am bad.
Shame. Not a big fan of either one. That practice of observing without judgment creates a safe place for self-reflection and
growth and it allows us to understand our feelings at a deeper level without this burden
of immediate criticism. Our brains are incredible tools and they are always seeking to make
sense of the world and sometimes that's just adorable.
But in that rush to categorize and judge, we miss out on depth and understanding and connection, not only with others, but with our own moment, our here and now, what it feels like to be us.
So by embracing this art of observation and holding off on judgment, even if it's just for a moment, we start to pave the way for more meaningful interactions with the world around us, but more importantly, within us.
There's an essay by David Foster Wallace, This is Water. Just in brief, he begins with a short
parable about two young fish, they're swimming along and an older fish swims by and says,
morning boys, how's the water? And the young fish continue on and then eventually one turns
the other and he says, what the heck is water? I mean, the core of this story, it sets the stage
for this George Foster Wallace, his exploration of consciousness, awareness, all the challenges
of being a human, an adult. But he argues that the real value of education isn't about
teaching people what to think, but rather how to think. And he dove into this importance
of being critically aware of the world and one's place in it, rather than just moving
through life in a default unconscious mode. So when we are just reacting and judging and
beating ourselves up, we are in this reactionary mode. Wallace discussed our default mode of.
The human condition as being inherently self-centered and not in a can you believe it but hey let's have an acceptance there because he describes it by default we interpret everything around us from a self-centered perspective everything we encounter long lines traffic jams annoying supermarket lines it's perceived in terms of how it affects me but he argues that the self-centered lens isn't the only way to see the world being educated and understanding what's happening around us means that we can choose to step out of this default setting and he encourages us to exercise this
freedom and adjust our natural self-focused lens, because that in turn allows us to view
situations more empathetically and consider that other people are also experiencing their
own challenges and fears and struggles.
And so then he emphasizes that that is the moment where we have the ability to decide
how we interpret and respond to experiences, because then the frustrations of daily life,
like I think in that when he talks about being in a long line at the supermarket, can be
seen not just as an inconvenience to me, but as a shared human experience.
So then by intentionally shifting our perspective from this inherent self-focus, self-centeredness,
what can we do? approach life with a deeper sense of compassion and understanding.
And so his this is water, it's a reminder that, again, life's filled with choices, not just choosing to be happy, but choosing what and how to think about the things that we think about, especially how we think and perceive.
And it is natural to view the world from our own unique self-centered perspective, but it's also within our power to adjust that lens to be more conscious and considerate to the broader human experience.
So why don't we do that for ourselves?
Because now that we've looked at, let's take all the things that we've learned about today
and let's sum these bad boys up.
So now we're, I think it's safe to say we're moving from self-criticism to self-discovery.
This is kind of funny because I think I've actually done this a time or two.
Imagine that you're driving a car with the handbrake on, hypothetically, of course, struggling
to move forward, burning probably a little more fuel than you would like, but not making
as much progress. Something's wrong with the car. I'm laughing. It has happened.
This is similar to how it feels when we are stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk, self-criticism.
It's the, what's wrong with me narrative. It's like that handbrake. It holds us back.
But through the things that we've talked about today, like changing our relationship with
our thoughts, understanding implicit memory, becoming more observant, we're learning how
to release the handbrake because now the car can move freely.
But now we're faced with the question of where do I go now?
Because this moment when we've disengaged this handbrake, but we haven't started driving
toward a specific destination, I almost want to say there's our baseline. Now we're a baseline.
It's time to start raising that baseline. It's this almost neutral space because sometimes
we're in a pit, getting back to the pit of despair. It's an amazing band, but the pit
of despair. And then we think we have to shoot all the way up to, and now I have got life
figured out, but sometimes we're going to get back up to neutral and then neutral is
where the past doesn't really weigh us down,
and the future, it's exciting.
It's full of potential.
And it's at this place, at this kind of baseline, that the exploration of core values becomes crucial,
because those are guiding principles and beliefs that resonate deeply with who we are,
and they're a compass for our journey.
They are, again, it's not about this destination, but it's this journey.
They answer the big questions, like what's truly important to me?
What matters to me? What do I stand for? What direction do I want to take in my life?
Because remember those emotional calories that we talked about. So before they were being burned up by their relentless engine
of self-criticism, but now with the hand break off and a compass, which is our core value
in hand, now those calories start to fuel a journey. This very exciting, cool journey
is going to go a lot of different places, a journey toward our passion, our goals, our
aspirations. So now we got this newfound freedom. We got this energy. We got these emotional
calories to burn. The narrative has now shifted from what's wrong with me to the very exciting,
What can I become?
Because this road ahead isn't just open, it's kind of inviting, because now with this newfound knowledge, every experience, every choice is an opportunity to shape who we are and align with what matters to us, instead of being held back by self-imposed limitations and beating ourselves up.
Because now this world starts to, honest to goodness, become more of this landscape of possibility because now I'm pretty confident that nothing's wrong with me. I'm just doing a being.
And now I'm on a journey. And I've got a lot of emotional calories I've been wasting for a long time. And so now my handbrake is off. I am no longer held back by my own doubt and criticism. It'll be there from time to time. That's a thing.
Thing. But now it is time to discover. And that can be one of the most liberating feelings
in the world. And it is going to take practice and it's going to take being intentional.
And when you let your foot off the gas, still, you might find yourself reaching for that
handbrake just out of pure habit. And when you do, just give yourself grace, bless your,
heart, like go that handbrake and then just keep on moving forward. I hope that you can
start to change that interior landscape of what it feels like to be you and it,
does take a bit of time but I promise you it is so so well worth it and share
this if you think it will help somebody else let me know if you have questions
your thoughts or what your experiences are and I'll see you next time.
Music.