1 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:03,679 I wanted the layers of the onion to 2 00:00:03,679 --> 00:00:06,500 come off. I wanted to go back to 3 00:00:06,559 --> 00:00:08,400 not the innocence. It wasn't really that I 4 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,000 was after. I just wanted to go back 5 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,859 to those things that really gave me joy. 6 00:00:11,919 --> 00:00:12,740 I wanted 7 00:00:13,154 --> 00:00:15,394 to see what I could do when I 8 00:00:15,394 --> 00:00:17,815 truly lived who I actually was. 9 00:00:18,675 --> 00:00:22,035 Hello, and welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a 10 00:00:22,035 --> 00:00:24,695 podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. 11 00:00:24,914 --> 00:00:27,074 My name is Sadie Gardere. I'm a Hoffman 12 00:00:27,074 --> 00:00:29,469 teacher, and I am your host for today. 13 00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:32,489 This podcast is about love and about the 14 00:00:32,489 --> 00:00:35,130 courage it takes to journey inward. Thank you 15 00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:36,350 for being here and welcome. 16 00:00:37,450 --> 00:00:39,609 Before we get started, I'd like to mention 17 00:00:39,609 --> 00:00:40,590 that this episode 18 00:00:40,969 --> 00:00:42,829 mentions sexual abuse 19 00:00:43,245 --> 00:00:45,344 and child sexual abuse. 20 00:00:45,885 --> 00:00:47,185 Please use your discretion. 21 00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:59,240 Hey, everyone, and welcome. I'm here with Jan 22 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,780 today. Jan is a Hoffman Process graduate. 23 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,299 She is also 24 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,299 a woman who has 25 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,760 such a vision for herself in the world. 26 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,055 I'm excited for you to get to meet 27 00:01:11,855 --> 00:01:12,834 her. Janet. Welcome. 28 00:01:13,375 --> 00:01:15,775 Thank you, Sadie. I, I don't know about 29 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:16,655 my vision, but, 30 00:01:17,135 --> 00:01:19,375 I'm excited to be here. Would you begin 31 00:01:19,375 --> 00:01:21,694 just by telling us a bit about who 32 00:01:21,694 --> 00:01:23,635 you are? You can start anywhere. 33 00:01:24,299 --> 00:01:25,759 I'll start with what I'm doing 34 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:28,619 right now. Actually, as we're speaking, I'm in 35 00:01:28,619 --> 00:01:29,119 Mexico. 36 00:01:29,819 --> 00:01:32,299 I'm down in Cabo, just in San Jose 37 00:01:32,299 --> 00:01:34,780 Del Cabo, and I I live off grid 38 00:01:34,780 --> 00:01:36,560 when I'm down here. Totally 39 00:01:36,939 --> 00:01:39,200 solar powered truck in my water, 40 00:01:39,715 --> 00:01:41,875 but I'm also right by the beach, so 41 00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:43,254 I get to watch the whales. 42 00:01:43,715 --> 00:01:45,474 They give birth out here for about three 43 00:01:45,474 --> 00:01:46,915 months of the year. So it's a it's 44 00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:49,795 a spectacular place if you enjoy the desert 45 00:01:49,795 --> 00:01:51,954 and you enjoy marine life, which I absolutely 46 00:01:51,954 --> 00:01:53,555 do. So I work from while I'm down 47 00:01:53,555 --> 00:01:54,055 here. 48 00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:56,500 My other home that I'm at is on 49 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,099 Vancouver Island, and, 50 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,819 I really up there, I focus on a 51 00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,119 business that I own. 52 00:02:02,579 --> 00:02:04,280 It's a cidery, a distillery, 53 00:02:04,659 --> 00:02:07,780 a eatery, a tourism place, an orchard. It's 54 00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:08,840 an all encompassing 55 00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:12,205 vertically integrated business of which I've been doing 56 00:02:12,205 --> 00:02:13,405 for many years, but it's, 57 00:02:14,365 --> 00:02:15,905 it's a really fun business. 58 00:02:16,284 --> 00:02:17,745 It's very action packed, 59 00:02:18,125 --> 00:02:20,685 and I love it. So it's part of, 60 00:02:20,685 --> 00:02:22,544 I think, what we spoke about before. 61 00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:25,349 I officially, by Canadian standards, 62 00:02:25,810 --> 00:02:27,430 became a senior citizen 63 00:02:27,969 --> 00:02:29,669 about a week ago. Congratulations. 64 00:02:31,810 --> 00:02:33,829 Thank you. It's a very it's very weird. 65 00:02:33,969 --> 00:02:37,009 Man, I sure don't feel 65. I really 66 00:02:37,009 --> 00:02:37,509 don't. 67 00:02:38,055 --> 00:02:40,455 And in that sort of time period of, 68 00:02:40,455 --> 00:02:42,935 like, after well, before Hoffman and the whole 69 00:02:42,935 --> 00:02:44,794 process of I ended up at Hoffman, 70 00:02:45,335 --> 00:02:47,915 I was going through some very deep thinking, 71 00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,215 reflection on whether or not I wanted to 72 00:02:50,215 --> 00:02:51,754 continue on with my business 73 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,000 because of some major things that had happened 74 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,840 in my life. And I decided, no. I 75 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,000 really wanna carry on because there's some things 76 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,319 that I really wanna do with my business, 77 00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:02,000 and I'm so I'm so far from done. 78 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,919 I think I'm another good decade before I, 79 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,759 pack it in or or maybe I'll never 80 00:03:05,759 --> 00:03:07,544 pack it in. I don't know. We had 81 00:03:07,544 --> 00:03:10,264 a pre call before this episode and I 82 00:03:10,264 --> 00:03:10,764 was 83 00:03:11,064 --> 00:03:11,564 really 84 00:03:12,185 --> 00:03:12,685 lit 85 00:03:13,064 --> 00:03:14,205 from the inside, 86 00:03:14,665 --> 00:03:15,724 just an inspiration 87 00:03:16,025 --> 00:03:19,085 by some of the passion that you spoke 88 00:03:19,224 --> 00:03:21,405 about your life with. So 89 00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:25,750 where did you get that passion and what's 90 00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:26,250 happening 91 00:03:26,629 --> 00:03:29,449 in your world with it? You know, Hoffman, 92 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:32,870 the process itself, you go back and and 93 00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:34,949 you spend a lot of time, obviously, in 94 00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:36,794 that first part of your life, 95 00:03:37,194 --> 00:03:39,534 those first nine years trying to 96 00:03:39,914 --> 00:03:43,275 reconnect with your spirit and going through that 97 00:03:43,275 --> 00:03:43,775 quadrinity 98 00:03:44,074 --> 00:03:46,955 check. And I think what really became very 99 00:03:46,955 --> 00:03:48,955 clear for me is that spirit of who 100 00:03:48,955 --> 00:03:51,180 I am. It was obviously there before I 101 00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:53,900 went to Hoffman, but it really helped me 102 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,659 to get clarity on it while I was 103 00:03:55,659 --> 00:03:58,219 there. And the passion, I don't know. I've 104 00:03:58,219 --> 00:04:00,860 always had it. I I feel like I've 105 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:03,759 always wanted to make a difference in life. 106 00:04:03,965 --> 00:04:06,205 And exactly what when I was young, I 107 00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:08,604 wasn't like, I'm gonna own a cidery when 108 00:04:08,604 --> 00:04:10,204 I grow up. That was not on my 109 00:04:10,204 --> 00:04:12,364 radar because who actually grows up with, I'm 110 00:04:12,364 --> 00:04:14,125 gonna own a cidery at a distillery, but 111 00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:16,764 I always felt like I wanted to make 112 00:04:16,764 --> 00:04:17,345 a difference. 113 00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:20,620 I think I always wanted to be an 114 00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:21,120 entrepreneur. 115 00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:23,819 I think that was very bred into my 116 00:04:23,819 --> 00:04:24,319 bones. 117 00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:25,899 I think I might have told you I 118 00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:28,399 was adopted and didn't know my parents 119 00:04:28,939 --> 00:04:31,125 at all until much later in life. As 120 00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:33,405 it turns out, my birth father was very 121 00:04:33,405 --> 00:04:34,305 much an entrepreneur 122 00:04:34,685 --> 00:04:37,564 doing many different businesses actually in Mexico because 123 00:04:37,564 --> 00:04:40,764 he was Mexican, recently passed. And my adopted 124 00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:42,605 father was also, I would say, a bit 125 00:04:42,605 --> 00:04:44,569 of an entrepreneur. So that was kind of 126 00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:46,189 built into me. And as I learned, 127 00:04:46,730 --> 00:04:49,230 I also found out about my Mexican father. 128 00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:51,370 Also really wanted to make a difference in 129 00:04:51,370 --> 00:04:53,769 life. It was important to him to do 130 00:04:53,769 --> 00:04:55,850 certain things. So I think that was bred 131 00:04:55,850 --> 00:04:58,841 into my bones. I think there was a 132 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:02,098 socialization, but also, you know, a genetic as 133 00:05:02,098 --> 00:05:05,356 well as a nurture nurture versus nature. That's 134 00:05:05,356 --> 00:05:08,613 interesting. So you feel the sense that there 135 00:05:08,613 --> 00:05:12,189 was on a DNA level, some type of 136 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:14,889 desire to make a difference. Very much so. 137 00:05:14,889 --> 00:05:18,329 And even this whole thing of nature versus 138 00:05:18,329 --> 00:05:18,829 nurture, 139 00:05:19,289 --> 00:05:22,250 when I first found my birth father and 140 00:05:22,250 --> 00:05:23,709 I went to this big luncheon 141 00:05:24,034 --> 00:05:26,454 that was with a bunch of my uncles 142 00:05:26,995 --> 00:05:27,654 and cousins. 143 00:05:28,435 --> 00:05:30,214 And I walked into my uncle's 144 00:05:30,995 --> 00:05:33,254 house, and he shows me this massive 145 00:05:33,555 --> 00:05:34,055 portrait 146 00:05:34,514 --> 00:05:35,334 of my grandmother, 147 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:38,089 his mother. And there she is sitting playing 148 00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:40,189 the piano. She was a concert pianist. 149 00:05:40,649 --> 00:05:42,649 It's just so crazy because the first part 150 00:05:42,649 --> 00:05:44,569 of my life, I sang and danced on 151 00:05:44,569 --> 00:05:46,250 a television show from when I was nine 152 00:05:46,250 --> 00:05:48,410 to about 17. And there was none of 153 00:05:48,410 --> 00:05:50,250 that in my world that I grew up 154 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,875 with, but somehow I ended up there. 155 00:05:53,334 --> 00:05:55,814 It's a very interesting experiment in some ways 156 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,514 because I had no connection 157 00:05:57,814 --> 00:05:59,654 to my birth family. But when I found 158 00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:02,555 them, I'm like, oh my god. This circle 159 00:06:02,774 --> 00:06:03,435 of life 160 00:06:03,939 --> 00:06:06,259 has become so connected for me. How do 161 00:06:06,259 --> 00:06:07,399 you think that happens? 162 00:06:08,259 --> 00:06:09,399 Somehow being 163 00:06:09,939 --> 00:06:10,759 called toward 164 00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:11,800 performing, 165 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:14,199 probably unconscious of why, 166 00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:17,139 very unconscious of why. I just know from 167 00:06:17,139 --> 00:06:20,194 a very early age, I was was fascinated 168 00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:22,675 in watching old movies and musicals. 169 00:06:23,375 --> 00:06:25,694 I was fascinated with music. I listened to 170 00:06:25,694 --> 00:06:26,675 it all the time. 171 00:06:27,214 --> 00:06:28,915 And I actually thought 172 00:06:29,454 --> 00:06:31,454 when I was a little girl that I 173 00:06:31,454 --> 00:06:32,595 was gonna be a singer. 174 00:06:33,199 --> 00:06:35,280 No reason for me to think that. Again, 175 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,199 you know, I wasn't in any groups at 176 00:06:37,199 --> 00:06:39,759 that point. My family wasn't musical that I 177 00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:41,060 was being brought up by. 178 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,080 I really thought I was going to be 179 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,540 a singer. So 180 00:06:45,894 --> 00:06:47,974 when this musical director came out to the 181 00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:50,555 schools looking for people to join this show, 182 00:06:51,094 --> 00:06:53,334 it wasn't an arrogance, but I just like, 183 00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:55,754 oh, yeah. No. That's I'm I'm getting that. 184 00:06:55,894 --> 00:06:58,294 And I didn't tell anybody. I just felt 185 00:06:58,294 --> 00:07:00,854 like, yeah. I'll be I'll be in that 186 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,600 group. And I was, and I wasn't shocked 187 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,439 by it, but it honestly, there was no 188 00:07:05,439 --> 00:07:07,040 arrogance in it. It wasn't, it wasn't that 189 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,459 at all. It felt like this inner knowing 190 00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:11,220 of what I was gonna do. 191 00:07:11,759 --> 00:07:12,259 Often 192 00:07:12,959 --> 00:07:14,740 students that are in the process, 193 00:07:15,375 --> 00:07:17,795 especially with a history of being adopted, 194 00:07:18,175 --> 00:07:19,314 really know nothing 195 00:07:19,615 --> 00:07:20,115 about 196 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,875 their biologic parents or know very little. 197 00:07:24,415 --> 00:07:26,254 And there can be some question of like, 198 00:07:26,254 --> 00:07:27,475 is it really worthwhile 199 00:07:27,889 --> 00:07:31,009 to do work around this, to have the 200 00:07:31,009 --> 00:07:32,870 question, what is the legacy 201 00:07:33,569 --> 00:07:35,810 in my life? What's been your experience with 202 00:07:35,810 --> 00:07:37,970 that? Oh, I think you're quite right. I 203 00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,889 mean, in Hoffman, but in general, you know, 204 00:07:39,889 --> 00:07:41,250 a lot of people, they don't have the 205 00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:43,750 opportunity to make the connection because the information 206 00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:45,214 isn't there. It's hard to 207 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,355 find, or they don't want to, which is 208 00:07:47,355 --> 00:07:49,055 also valid and fair. 209 00:07:49,355 --> 00:07:51,915 For me, I had a burning desire. I 210 00:07:51,915 --> 00:07:52,895 went through a divorce, 211 00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:55,754 two divorces, my first divorce. And at that 212 00:07:55,754 --> 00:07:57,615 point in time, it was like, I 213 00:07:57,995 --> 00:07:58,495 need 214 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,319 to find my parents. I need to find 215 00:08:01,319 --> 00:08:02,300 my birth parents. 216 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,839 And so I started on the process locating 217 00:08:04,839 --> 00:08:07,800 them. It actually took a long time to 218 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,439 find my mother. But once I found my 219 00:08:10,439 --> 00:08:13,035 mother, it wasn't so hard to find my 220 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:16,175 father in Mexico because of searching for him. 221 00:08:16,474 --> 00:08:19,274 He has a very, Anglo Saxon name. So 222 00:08:19,274 --> 00:08:21,854 finding him in Mexico wasn't 223 00:08:22,154 --> 00:08:23,214 actually that hard. 224 00:08:23,579 --> 00:08:25,980 So the two came together very quickly for 225 00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:28,540 me. But the experience for me in finding 226 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:29,040 them 227 00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:30,959 was incredibly grounding. 228 00:08:31,259 --> 00:08:31,919 It was 229 00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:35,019 a massive thing to my life to be 230 00:08:35,019 --> 00:08:36,639 able to connect the dots. 231 00:08:36,985 --> 00:08:39,384 And this was no reflection on not loving 232 00:08:39,384 --> 00:08:41,865 my adopted parents at all. I love them 233 00:08:41,865 --> 00:08:43,485 both, but it was, 234 00:08:43,865 --> 00:08:45,465 oh my god. This just makes so much 235 00:08:45,465 --> 00:08:45,965 sense 236 00:08:46,424 --> 00:08:48,184 as to who I am, as to why 237 00:08:48,184 --> 00:08:49,960 I can't sit still, as to why I'm 238 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,279 always on a mission to do something. I 239 00:08:52,279 --> 00:08:54,519 think probably that passion that you talked about, 240 00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:56,600 I've always got this deep rooted, like, I'm 241 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,759 just I gotta go do this. I've gotta 242 00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:01,240 make this thing happen. It started making sense 243 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,759 to me when I met these two people. 244 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:06,164 I'm like, oh, yeah. This just makes total 245 00:09:06,164 --> 00:09:09,464 sense to me now. So you were recently 246 00:09:09,605 --> 00:09:12,084 through your first divorce and you felt this 247 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:16,245 burning desire to find them, to have some 248 00:09:16,245 --> 00:09:19,990 understanding of this missing piece of what makes 249 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,210 up who you are. 250 00:09:21,590 --> 00:09:24,549 Take us to that period of time. What 251 00:09:24,549 --> 00:09:27,110 was happening? How are you moving through life? 252 00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:29,929 And this I'm guessing is pre process, right? 253 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,149 I've done two divorces. So it was the 254 00:09:32,149 --> 00:09:33,129 second divorce 255 00:09:33,835 --> 00:09:36,014 that led me to the path of Hoffman. 256 00:09:36,554 --> 00:09:38,975 And that was really the big 257 00:09:39,754 --> 00:09:41,774 moment because at that point in time, 258 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,855 there was a lot of 259 00:09:44,315 --> 00:09:47,470 trauma that was going on. My Mexican father 260 00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:47,970 died. 261 00:09:48,669 --> 00:09:51,230 My adopted mother died, and I had been 262 00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:53,549 taking care of her for quite some time. 263 00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:55,649 She had dementia, and she died. 264 00:09:56,110 --> 00:09:58,769 My daughter, whom I love deeply, 265 00:09:59,309 --> 00:10:01,089 I'm gonna get a little emotional here, 266 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,625 She was going through her own trauma. 267 00:10:04,085 --> 00:10:06,404 Anyway, she decided that it was best to 268 00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:07,544 cut off our relationship. 269 00:10:08,485 --> 00:10:09,465 That was hard. 270 00:10:09,845 --> 00:10:11,865 And then I went through a divorce, 271 00:10:12,325 --> 00:10:14,565 and that happened very abruptly after twenty eight 272 00:10:14,565 --> 00:10:16,620 years of marriage. And then I went through 273 00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:18,240 restructuring of my business 274 00:10:18,699 --> 00:10:20,240 deciding to buy him out 275 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,539 and go through all of that. And that 276 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,079 was all in about eighteen months. 277 00:10:24,459 --> 00:10:25,899 So it was just like, ping, ping, ping, 278 00:10:25,899 --> 00:10:27,740 ping, ping. And at that point in time, 279 00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:29,179 I was seeing a a therapist. She was 280 00:10:29,179 --> 00:10:32,235 helping me through this amazing woman. Her name 281 00:10:32,235 --> 00:10:33,754 is Janice Bell. I have to say her 282 00:10:33,754 --> 00:10:36,415 name out loud because she's so absolutely fabulous. 283 00:10:37,434 --> 00:10:39,434 I said to her, you know, I need 284 00:10:39,434 --> 00:10:41,674 to go back and look at things from 285 00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:43,809 my past. I know there's things in my 286 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:45,649 past that I haven't dealt with. I need 287 00:10:45,649 --> 00:10:47,350 to dig in. I need to reflect. 288 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,169 And her advice to me at the time 289 00:10:49,169 --> 00:10:49,669 was, 290 00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:52,309 oh, yeah. You do. But not now. 291 00:10:52,769 --> 00:10:54,529 You can't take all of this all at 292 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,690 one time. It was the best advice because 293 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:57,970 she was 100% 294 00:10:57,970 --> 00:11:00,184 correct. I needed to deal with the actual 295 00:11:00,184 --> 00:11:02,345 logistics of what was happening in terms of 296 00:11:02,345 --> 00:11:04,764 the finances, in terms of setting things up. 297 00:11:04,904 --> 00:11:06,345 Then once I kinda got through it all, 298 00:11:06,345 --> 00:11:08,284 I was like, okay. Now? And she goes, 299 00:11:08,424 --> 00:11:10,504 yeah. Now you go to Hoffman. Okay. Now 300 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,799 I go to Hoffman. Alright. Didn't even really 301 00:11:12,799 --> 00:11:14,639 question what Hoffman was. You know, I did 302 00:11:14,639 --> 00:11:16,080 go on the website and I I see 303 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,720 this. I can go virtually or I can 304 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,279 go full in. And I thought virtually would 305 00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:23,120 be far better because I'm so busy with 306 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,960 my business and I have so much going 307 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,254 on. And I said, I think maybe I 308 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:28,774 should do it virtually. And she said, oh, 309 00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:31,254 no. Not yet. You need to go full 310 00:11:31,254 --> 00:11:33,995 in. And I went, oh, okay. Full in. 311 00:11:34,615 --> 00:11:36,294 So I trust her completely. I went full 312 00:11:36,294 --> 00:11:37,815 in. So it to me, it was kind 313 00:11:37,815 --> 00:11:39,320 of funny because when I got there, there 314 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,920 was all these people talking about the research 315 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:41,980 they did. And I went, 316 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,680 oh, maybe I should have researched. I didn't 317 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,399 research. I just went. And when I got 318 00:11:47,399 --> 00:11:48,379 there, I was like, 319 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,920 oh, I wonder if I'm too old. I'm 320 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,920 you know, all those thoughts then started going 321 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,024 through my head. But they never went through 322 00:11:55,024 --> 00:11:56,485 my head before I actually 323 00:11:57,024 --> 00:11:59,424 was landing in the airport. That's kind of 324 00:11:59,424 --> 00:12:00,784 sort of the same thing. There was just 325 00:12:00,784 --> 00:12:02,304 sort of a knowing of, I need to 326 00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:02,804 go. 327 00:12:03,345 --> 00:12:05,845 A time of massive transition 328 00:12:06,304 --> 00:12:08,089 and a lot of hurt. 329 00:12:08,710 --> 00:12:10,169 You tabled it for 330 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:11,289 a while 331 00:12:11,750 --> 00:12:14,629 so that you could survive what was happening. 332 00:12:14,629 --> 00:12:15,610 It sounds like. 333 00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:18,149 Very much so. And again, that's, I think 334 00:12:18,149 --> 00:12:19,909 the innate thing and I think that's there 335 00:12:19,909 --> 00:12:21,909 for all of us. I think I'm lucky 336 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:22,985 enough to 337 00:12:23,445 --> 00:12:25,605 have that voice. It doesn't speak super clearly 338 00:12:25,605 --> 00:12:27,445 to me, but it's in there somewhere. And 339 00:12:27,445 --> 00:12:29,144 I think it's there for all of us 340 00:12:29,445 --> 00:12:31,365 that tells us like this, you can handle 341 00:12:31,365 --> 00:12:33,784 this now, maybe not this now. 342 00:12:34,245 --> 00:12:35,684 And that's what the process was for me. 343 00:12:35,684 --> 00:12:37,809 And it wasn't again, it wasn't conscious. It 344 00:12:37,809 --> 00:12:39,649 was just like, oh, yeah. If I had 345 00:12:39,649 --> 00:12:41,410 tried to deal with Hoffman at the same 346 00:12:41,410 --> 00:12:43,029 time as doing all these things, 347 00:12:43,410 --> 00:12:45,649 either I wouldn't have gotten out of it 348 00:12:45,649 --> 00:12:47,350 what I did get out of it, 349 00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:49,910 or it wouldn't have been as 350 00:12:50,285 --> 00:12:52,764 successful for me as it was. Sounds like 351 00:12:52,764 --> 00:12:54,764 it was the right time and that you 352 00:12:54,764 --> 00:12:55,585 had some 353 00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:56,465 discernment 354 00:12:57,004 --> 00:12:57,745 about it. 355 00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,665 Very, very much so because 356 00:13:00,205 --> 00:13:02,144 in Hoffman at the process 357 00:13:02,845 --> 00:13:03,899 is going back 358 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:06,720 to where those behavioral patterns begin. 359 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,660 And that was also very, very traumatic for 360 00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:11,500 me. There was all an awful lot of 361 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,759 pain around those initial periods. 362 00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:15,680 And I'll share just briefly. 363 00:13:16,174 --> 00:13:17,235 One was the adoption. 364 00:13:17,855 --> 00:13:20,894 I had never admitted to myself that there 365 00:13:20,894 --> 00:13:21,634 was ever 366 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,235 anything other than 367 00:13:23,615 --> 00:13:25,774 pure love for my adopted parents. They did 368 00:13:25,774 --> 00:13:27,855 the best they could. They were wonderful, but 369 00:13:27,855 --> 00:13:28,914 I never admitted 370 00:13:29,454 --> 00:13:29,954 that 371 00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:32,820 my birth parents actually had a place in 372 00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:34,419 my life and there were things that came 373 00:13:34,419 --> 00:13:35,240 out of that. 374 00:13:35,779 --> 00:13:37,720 So there was that to discover. 375 00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,339 And then there was also a lot of 376 00:13:40,339 --> 00:13:42,500 sexual abuse that went on for me when 377 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,759 I was very young by a family member 378 00:13:44,855 --> 00:13:47,014 that was continuous for a very long period 379 00:13:47,014 --> 00:13:47,754 of my life. 380 00:13:48,215 --> 00:13:50,795 Although those memories were not hidden for me, 381 00:13:51,575 --> 00:13:54,055 I never really allowed myself to feel those 382 00:13:54,055 --> 00:13:56,455 memories. It was a total shutdown. Again, my 383 00:13:56,455 --> 00:13:58,955 body just shut it down. And in Hoffman, 384 00:13:59,809 --> 00:14:01,669 going for that full on experience, 385 00:14:02,289 --> 00:14:03,809 I didn't have the choice of shutting it 386 00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:06,850 down. It was just cool, just all there 387 00:14:06,850 --> 00:14:07,830 in front of me, 388 00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:09,429 which was great, 389 00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:10,549 painful, 390 00:14:10,929 --> 00:14:11,429 hard. 391 00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:13,830 So much so that by my third day, 392 00:14:14,210 --> 00:14:14,710 I, 393 00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:16,375 because you don't have the phone. Right? So 394 00:14:16,375 --> 00:14:17,575 I went to, like, I need to go 395 00:14:17,575 --> 00:14:19,654 get check-in for my flight. No. What do 396 00:14:19,654 --> 00:14:21,335 you you don't need. I'm like, oh, no. 397 00:14:21,335 --> 00:14:23,735 No. I I'm going tomorrow. Right? My brain 398 00:14:23,735 --> 00:14:25,815 has so convinced me because it was like, 399 00:14:25,815 --> 00:14:27,174 well, this is hard. I think it's time 400 00:14:27,174 --> 00:14:30,539 to access. I was like, oh, wow. I 401 00:14:30,539 --> 00:14:32,399 just unbelievable. Right. You 402 00:14:32,779 --> 00:14:34,639 need to calm down. There's more to come. 403 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,459 You speak to a really important point. The 404 00:14:38,459 --> 00:14:38,959 person 405 00:14:39,259 --> 00:14:40,559 has to be ready 406 00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:43,820 and you also speak to the courage it 407 00:14:43,820 --> 00:14:45,919 takes to really feel 408 00:14:46,355 --> 00:14:47,815 your way through the healing. 409 00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:50,115 It does. It does take a lot of 410 00:14:50,115 --> 00:14:52,675 courage. And I think to your point, we 411 00:14:52,675 --> 00:14:54,375 have to let people take their own journey 412 00:14:54,754 --> 00:14:56,595 and we want to help, you know, a 413 00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:58,115 good portion of my life has been, I 414 00:14:58,115 --> 00:14:59,555 need to fix it. I need to help. 415 00:14:59,555 --> 00:15:01,330 I need to it's who I am. It's 416 00:15:01,330 --> 00:15:02,870 kind of built into my DNA, 417 00:15:03,889 --> 00:15:05,410 but I need to let people take their 418 00:15:05,410 --> 00:15:08,290 own journey. And so wanting our loved ones 419 00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:10,370 to take the Hoffman process, they have to 420 00:15:10,370 --> 00:15:12,654 be ready. They have to want to, and 421 00:15:12,654 --> 00:15:14,654 otherwise they don't get what they need out 422 00:15:14,654 --> 00:15:15,235 of it. 423 00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:16,035 What 424 00:15:16,414 --> 00:15:17,875 were some of your intentions? 425 00:15:18,654 --> 00:15:20,575 What did you really want to get out 426 00:15:20,575 --> 00:15:21,394 of the process? 427 00:15:21,774 --> 00:15:24,195 I wanted to live my very best life. 428 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,230 I wanted to know who I really am. 429 00:15:27,769 --> 00:15:30,169 I felt like years and years I had 430 00:15:30,169 --> 00:15:32,750 been hiding myself. So even before, 431 00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:35,309 you know, going back and going to those 432 00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:37,850 behavioral pieces of which I've been putting layers 433 00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:40,644 upon layers upon layers, I wanted the layers 434 00:15:40,644 --> 00:15:42,264 of the onion to come off. 435 00:15:42,644 --> 00:15:44,424 I wanted to go back to 436 00:15:44,964 --> 00:15:46,804 not the innocence. It wasn't really that I 437 00:15:46,804 --> 00:15:48,325 was after. I just wanted to go back 438 00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:50,264 to those things that really gave me joy. 439 00:15:50,644 --> 00:15:51,464 I wanted 440 00:15:51,845 --> 00:15:53,464 to see what I could do 441 00:15:54,379 --> 00:15:55,759 when I truly lived 442 00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,940 who I actually was. And that was really 443 00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:00,700 my main intention and it's still my main 444 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:02,700 intention. And I think, you know, we spoke 445 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,700 about it in my business. I call it 446 00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:07,019 a for profit social enterprise. And what does 447 00:16:07,019 --> 00:16:08,940 that mean? It means that you care about 448 00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,565 the environment. You make money. Everybody needs to 449 00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:13,165 make money. We all need to eat. We 450 00:16:13,165 --> 00:16:14,945 all need to live. So it's not about 451 00:16:15,085 --> 00:16:17,504 not giving it all away, but it's about 452 00:16:17,965 --> 00:16:19,745 making sure you're taking care of your environment, 453 00:16:19,884 --> 00:16:21,485 making sure you're taking care of earth. So 454 00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:22,625 I do things organically. 455 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,620 My processes are organic. My farming is organic. 456 00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:27,519 There's a number of things that I I 457 00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:30,000 try to enact with that. The people are 458 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,639 super important to me, the community that I 459 00:16:32,639 --> 00:16:34,559 live in and the bottom line and the 460 00:16:34,559 --> 00:16:37,324 profit is giving back. And that's so important 461 00:16:37,324 --> 00:16:39,424 to me, giving back. Like, whether that be 462 00:16:39,725 --> 00:16:42,125 charities that I believe in and not just 463 00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:44,125 giving money, but actually getting involved in the 464 00:16:44,125 --> 00:16:46,444 charity in in some way and making sure 465 00:16:46,444 --> 00:16:49,004 that it's a place for my community to 466 00:16:49,004 --> 00:16:49,504 come. 467 00:16:49,830 --> 00:16:51,350 Because in this whole reflection of, do I 468 00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,029 want to continue to do this business? I 469 00:16:53,029 --> 00:16:55,190 realized like, yeah, I do. I love this 470 00:16:55,190 --> 00:16:55,690 business 471 00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:58,309 because this is a platform in which I 472 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,570 can do this other part of myself 473 00:17:01,190 --> 00:17:03,670 that I haven't really, really sunk my teeth 474 00:17:03,670 --> 00:17:04,170 into. 475 00:17:04,674 --> 00:17:05,494 And so 476 00:17:05,795 --> 00:17:07,634 that's what it's giving me in sort of 477 00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:10,055 in terms of that personal side of me. 478 00:17:10,355 --> 00:17:11,795 So when people say, oh, it's just your 479 00:17:11,795 --> 00:17:13,714 business. It's just doing business. I'm like, no, 480 00:17:13,714 --> 00:17:16,529 my business is deeply, deeply personal to me. 481 00:17:16,609 --> 00:17:18,690 It's a place where I wanna show that 482 00:17:18,690 --> 00:17:20,710 one can do business. And I think probably 483 00:17:20,930 --> 00:17:23,410 particularly in this day of age where everything 484 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,029 is kind of upside down 485 00:17:25,809 --> 00:17:27,990 and wondering what's going on in the world. 486 00:17:28,529 --> 00:17:30,369 I know I can't change what's going on 487 00:17:30,369 --> 00:17:31,934 in the world, but I can change. I 488 00:17:32,015 --> 00:17:33,215 should say I can't change what's going on 489 00:17:33,215 --> 00:17:34,995 in the world. I can change little parts 490 00:17:35,295 --> 00:17:36,195 in my backyard, 491 00:17:36,975 --> 00:17:38,894 and I am a firm believer in that. 492 00:17:38,894 --> 00:17:40,654 You know? What you do in your own 493 00:17:40,654 --> 00:17:43,295 backyard, if we all were really practicing those 494 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:43,795 things, 495 00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:46,059 you're you're not gonna get it right all 496 00:17:46,059 --> 00:17:47,819 the time. But isn't that great? You know, 497 00:17:47,819 --> 00:17:49,419 because then you would change the world. You 498 00:17:49,419 --> 00:17:50,859 would change the world because you'd be doing 499 00:17:50,859 --> 00:17:53,500 these little things of making a difference in 500 00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:56,220 your community, making a difference for the people 501 00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:56,954 you're leading, 502 00:17:57,355 --> 00:17:58,894 making a difference in collaboration. 503 00:17:59,755 --> 00:18:02,875 It really sounds like it's less about what 504 00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:06,154 you're doing and so much about how you're 505 00:18:06,154 --> 00:18:08,575 doing it and what comes from 506 00:18:08,875 --> 00:18:11,660 the consciousness of that. Yeah. You're quite right. 507 00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:13,339 It's really important to me, but it's more 508 00:18:13,339 --> 00:18:15,420 important to me. Like, how is that process 509 00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:16,240 taking place? 510 00:18:16,619 --> 00:18:18,480 There's no compromising with 511 00:18:18,779 --> 00:18:19,279 suppliers 512 00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:20,160 or 513 00:18:20,539 --> 00:18:22,700 the ingredients we use or the process we 514 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,619 use or the people that help make it. 515 00:18:24,619 --> 00:18:26,275 It's all about that 516 00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:29,054 rather than, you know, looking at the financial 517 00:18:29,054 --> 00:18:30,255 statement. Don't get me wrong. I look at 518 00:18:30,255 --> 00:18:32,255 my financial statements. You need you need to 519 00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:33,714 do that while running a business, 520 00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:35,615 but I don't want it to be just 521 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,035 about the financial statements and to trust 522 00:18:38,894 --> 00:18:41,529 that I will make money. The money will 523 00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:43,710 be there because if we're doing it right, 524 00:18:43,929 --> 00:18:46,009 the money's gonna be there. So if this 525 00:18:46,009 --> 00:18:48,970 is a metaphor for life and how you 526 00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:49,470 live, 527 00:18:50,169 --> 00:18:52,429 how did you come to know that 528 00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:55,615 coming into the process, knowing you have to 529 00:18:55,615 --> 00:18:56,914 face a lot of pain? 530 00:18:57,214 --> 00:18:59,234 What did you learn? What was your experience, 531 00:18:59,375 --> 00:19:01,855 and how is that now fueling this new 532 00:19:01,855 --> 00:19:03,315 awareness that you have? 533 00:19:05,294 --> 00:19:06,355 Well, the pain 534 00:19:07,849 --> 00:19:08,990 you come out of pain. 535 00:19:09,609 --> 00:19:10,190 You know? 536 00:19:10,809 --> 00:19:12,190 You can walk through it. 537 00:19:12,809 --> 00:19:15,070 And if you've got a support system 538 00:19:15,769 --> 00:19:17,950 and if you've got love for yourself, 539 00:19:18,570 --> 00:19:20,170 I didn't have a strong love for myself. 540 00:19:20,170 --> 00:19:21,609 I had a love for myself, but not 541 00:19:21,609 --> 00:19:23,484 as strong as when I left and as 542 00:19:23,484 --> 00:19:25,585 strong as the journey continues on. 543 00:19:26,525 --> 00:19:29,164 If you have that, then you always get 544 00:19:29,164 --> 00:19:31,085 through the pain. You always know there's a 545 00:19:31,085 --> 00:19:31,825 new day. 546 00:19:32,284 --> 00:19:34,684 You always know that there's steps you can 547 00:19:34,684 --> 00:19:36,700 take. You feel the pain, 548 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,640 but you will get through it. And to 549 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,940 me, it's about my community. 550 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,080 I met some really great people and I 551 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,240 still stay in touch with some people from 552 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:45,740 Hoffman, 553 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,880 but I have really good friends and I 554 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,559 have really good family and I know they're 555 00:19:49,559 --> 00:19:50,059 there. 556 00:19:50,474 --> 00:19:50,974 So 557 00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:52,575 feeling the pain 558 00:19:53,035 --> 00:19:55,355 is something that I know that I need 559 00:19:55,355 --> 00:19:57,275 to do when things are kind of crappy. 560 00:19:57,275 --> 00:19:59,515 It's like, I can't avoid it. I gotta 561 00:19:59,515 --> 00:20:02,634 go through it because it's really part of 562 00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:03,295 the process. 563 00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:05,809 But I will come out. 564 00:20:06,349 --> 00:20:08,130 I know I have this inner 565 00:20:08,670 --> 00:20:10,829 belief that I will always come out. And 566 00:20:10,829 --> 00:20:13,410 that gives you the courage to go there. 567 00:20:13,470 --> 00:20:15,230 Yeah. It gives me the courage to go 568 00:20:15,230 --> 00:20:18,130 there. I think it's like anything in life. 569 00:20:18,765 --> 00:20:19,984 Everyone has trauma 570 00:20:20,605 --> 00:20:22,065 and we have two choices. 571 00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,924 I hope this doesn't sound cliche, but there 572 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,464 is always something to learn. 573 00:20:26,765 --> 00:20:29,664 And those failures, those trauma is our opportunity 574 00:20:29,724 --> 00:20:31,744 to learn as ugly as that sounds. 575 00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:33,950 The sexual abuse that I went through as 576 00:20:33,950 --> 00:20:36,269 a child, and I know people will probably 577 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,409 think this is a bit weird, 578 00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,630 but I learned so much from that. I 579 00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:42,849 don't wish that on anybody, of course, ever. 580 00:20:42,990 --> 00:20:44,929 It's not a great thing to go through, 581 00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:46,115 but I did. 582 00:20:46,414 --> 00:20:49,295 I learned strength from that. I learned how 583 00:20:49,295 --> 00:20:51,615 to stand up to this person. Was I 584 00:20:51,615 --> 00:20:54,174 lucky that I could or that I got 585 00:20:54,174 --> 00:20:55,855 the opportunity to? Yeah. I think there was 586 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,214 a lot of luck in that. We have 587 00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:59,055 an awful lot of luck that comes in 588 00:20:59,055 --> 00:20:59,555 life, 589 00:21:00,109 --> 00:21:03,090 but I learned, I learned and those situations 590 00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:05,630 made me stronger to know that I could 591 00:21:05,630 --> 00:21:06,529 always get through. 592 00:21:06,910 --> 00:21:09,150 And it started young for me. The knowledge 593 00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:11,950 of your strength started young? Yeah. Because I 594 00:21:11,950 --> 00:21:14,664 was given these in a weird sense opportunities 595 00:21:14,884 --> 00:21:16,265 to learn from the trauma. 596 00:21:16,724 --> 00:21:18,744 Take us to a moment in your process 597 00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:19,625 that 598 00:21:19,924 --> 00:21:21,224 is still with you 599 00:21:21,525 --> 00:21:23,704 around self love sense of self 600 00:21:24,005 --> 00:21:26,085 a moment that was a turning point or 601 00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:27,539 an insight. I I don't know if I 602 00:21:27,539 --> 00:21:29,799 can get through this, but I will try 603 00:21:30,180 --> 00:21:31,320 because it's my daughter. 604 00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:33,160 That is the most painful. 605 00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:36,200 She also went through trauma 606 00:21:36,980 --> 00:21:39,320 and I didn't save her from that. 607 00:21:39,620 --> 00:21:41,480 So huge amount of guilt 608 00:21:41,940 --> 00:21:42,674 around that. 609 00:21:43,715 --> 00:21:45,735 And the process helped me 610 00:21:46,835 --> 00:21:48,695 to realize how much I love her 611 00:21:49,235 --> 00:21:51,015 and how I was wounded myself 612 00:21:51,315 --> 00:21:52,535 and still not healed. 613 00:21:53,795 --> 00:21:55,815 And that I needed to forgive myself. 614 00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:58,319 I needed to give myself love, 615 00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:00,799 that I needed to give her grace 616 00:22:01,659 --> 00:22:02,720 to leave me, 617 00:22:03,019 --> 00:22:05,259 to do whatever she needed to do to 618 00:22:05,259 --> 00:22:05,759 heal. 619 00:22:06,539 --> 00:22:08,700 And in doing so, I could heal and 620 00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:09,519 love myself. 621 00:22:10,484 --> 00:22:11,924 So I don't know if that explains it 622 00:22:11,924 --> 00:22:14,005 to you, but that happened for me at 623 00:22:14,005 --> 00:22:14,505 Hoffman. 624 00:22:15,365 --> 00:22:17,125 And it's still a process because my door 625 00:22:17,125 --> 00:22:18,265 is open to her, 626 00:22:19,125 --> 00:22:20,565 but I don't know if she'll ever walk 627 00:22:20,565 --> 00:22:21,305 through it. 628 00:22:22,325 --> 00:22:23,625 But I'm resolving 629 00:22:24,085 --> 00:22:24,984 in my brain. 630 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,740 It will be her journey, 631 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,539 and I will love her no matter what. 632 00:22:30,079 --> 00:22:32,659 She will feel that love on some level, 633 00:22:33,599 --> 00:22:35,039 but I am going to let her go 634 00:22:35,039 --> 00:22:35,779 with grace. 635 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,639 And that allows me to have love for 636 00:22:38,639 --> 00:22:40,740 myself because it allows me to 637 00:22:41,244 --> 00:22:42,065 stop the guilt 638 00:22:43,565 --> 00:22:44,304 and recognize 639 00:22:45,005 --> 00:22:46,924 that I did everything I could with what 640 00:22:46,924 --> 00:22:47,984 I had at the time. 641 00:22:48,444 --> 00:22:49,984 And with this, I move forward. 642 00:22:50,765 --> 00:22:52,625 I do hope she may come back, 643 00:22:53,369 --> 00:22:55,289 but I'm not hanging on to that hope. 644 00:22:55,289 --> 00:22:57,049 Like someday she's going to be there. So 645 00:22:57,049 --> 00:22:58,589 I'm leaving my life in suspension 646 00:22:59,130 --> 00:23:00,970 because I don't think that does her any 647 00:23:00,970 --> 00:23:02,589 good on one level 648 00:23:03,210 --> 00:23:05,210 because I think she feels this on one 649 00:23:05,210 --> 00:23:05,710 level, 650 00:23:06,730 --> 00:23:08,269 but she knows that I'm there. 651 00:23:08,944 --> 00:23:10,325 Even though we're not connecting. 652 00:23:10,785 --> 00:23:11,684 In the process, 653 00:23:12,144 --> 00:23:13,525 we see how much 654 00:23:14,224 --> 00:23:17,265 hurt happens. And as parents, I can realize 655 00:23:17,265 --> 00:23:18,964 how much we've hurt our children 656 00:23:19,345 --> 00:23:21,365 without ever intending to 657 00:23:22,269 --> 00:23:25,809 and not be derailed from your own healing 658 00:23:26,349 --> 00:23:28,430 and to hold both at once, I think 659 00:23:28,430 --> 00:23:30,589 is really tricky. And I think that's really 660 00:23:30,589 --> 00:23:31,089 important. 661 00:23:31,390 --> 00:23:33,150 It is. It's really tricky. And I think 662 00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,390 that's where it's so important to have a 663 00:23:35,390 --> 00:23:37,089 really good support group, 664 00:23:37,815 --> 00:23:38,315 Because 665 00:23:38,615 --> 00:23:40,394 as a mother, you are hardwired 666 00:23:40,774 --> 00:23:42,315 to take care of this child 667 00:23:42,694 --> 00:23:45,355 and you will do things for your child 668 00:23:45,575 --> 00:23:48,134 where you sacrifice your life. You will. And 669 00:23:48,134 --> 00:23:50,214 then to find out that what you did, 670 00:23:50,214 --> 00:23:52,460 wasn't always great for them. And you're like, 671 00:23:52,460 --> 00:23:54,779 but I just so tried so hard to 672 00:23:54,779 --> 00:23:57,500 make it happen, to realize that you're valuable, 673 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:58,720 to realize that 674 00:23:59,099 --> 00:24:01,279 you didn't do it and that's life. 675 00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:03,740 And it's hard not to, to go down 676 00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:05,835 with that. It's hard not to feel so 677 00:24:05,835 --> 00:24:07,515 guilty and to have so much pain and 678 00:24:07,515 --> 00:24:09,674 to beat yourself up. I guess that's where 679 00:24:09,674 --> 00:24:11,035 it sort of wraps into some of the 680 00:24:11,035 --> 00:24:13,535 mentoring or to spend time with younger women 681 00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,494 and to spend time with my female friends 682 00:24:17,035 --> 00:24:18,255 to get that strength 683 00:24:18,555 --> 00:24:19,055 of 684 00:24:19,669 --> 00:24:22,230 you're good. You worked hard. You did your 685 00:24:22,230 --> 00:24:24,009 best. You could. And 686 00:24:24,549 --> 00:24:27,750 to reassert loving yourself, having a community that 687 00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:29,929 helps you with that is paramount. 688 00:24:31,029 --> 00:24:32,409 Thank you for 689 00:24:33,269 --> 00:24:34,890 the strength, the courage, 690 00:24:35,644 --> 00:24:37,504 the willingness to share yourself 691 00:24:37,804 --> 00:24:38,625 so openly. 692 00:24:39,724 --> 00:24:42,625 Yeah. Well, thank you very much for listening 693 00:24:44,125 --> 00:24:47,565 for your time and, letting me share this 694 00:24:47,565 --> 00:24:48,304 so vulnerably. 695 00:24:49,085 --> 00:24:50,544 What's next for you? 696 00:24:50,890 --> 00:24:51,630 I'm exploring. 697 00:24:52,250 --> 00:24:55,230 I'm exploring some things with my business, 698 00:24:56,009 --> 00:24:57,309 partly mentorship 699 00:24:58,089 --> 00:25:00,650 and not necessarily in a formal way, but 700 00:25:00,650 --> 00:25:03,069 potentially could be in a formal way with 701 00:25:03,130 --> 00:25:03,630 women. 702 00:25:04,410 --> 00:25:05,069 I love 703 00:25:05,585 --> 00:25:06,085 giving 704 00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:06,964 mentorship 705 00:25:07,345 --> 00:25:09,904 or just the opportunity to have those discussions 706 00:25:09,904 --> 00:25:11,744 with women that are trying to juggle their 707 00:25:11,744 --> 00:25:12,884 busy lives, 708 00:25:13,505 --> 00:25:15,585 because I know how difficult it was for 709 00:25:15,585 --> 00:25:18,144 me as a mother of three children and 710 00:25:18,144 --> 00:25:20,599 really wanting my career and never feeling I 711 00:25:20,599 --> 00:25:21,720 was in the right place at the right 712 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:22,220 time. 713 00:25:22,919 --> 00:25:25,339 Not till later in life, realizing like, oh, 714 00:25:25,799 --> 00:25:27,880 you mean you can't have it all at 715 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,279 the same time. You can have it all, 716 00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,299 but not at the same time. 717 00:25:33,025 --> 00:25:35,444 So, you know, being able to be supportive 718 00:25:35,744 --> 00:25:36,404 of that. 719 00:25:37,184 --> 00:25:39,505 For women, it's still a struggle of how 720 00:25:39,505 --> 00:25:42,724 do I navigate being a mother and navigate 721 00:25:42,785 --> 00:25:43,765 having a career. 722 00:25:44,144 --> 00:25:46,724 I just really enjoy spending time with 723 00:25:47,519 --> 00:25:49,700 younger women and assisting, mentoring, 724 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,619 just talking, you know? 725 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,080 I have this other passion, which is gonna 726 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,640 sound a little crazy, maybe to some, but 727 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,660 I'm seriously in love with dogs. 728 00:26:00,575 --> 00:26:02,414 So part of my brand at my business 729 00:26:02,414 --> 00:26:05,134 is dogs. So I encourage all the customers 730 00:26:05,134 --> 00:26:07,775 to bring their dogs. We have barcuterie boards, 731 00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:10,015 you know, sit outside with picnics, bring your 732 00:26:10,015 --> 00:26:10,515 dogs. 733 00:26:11,295 --> 00:26:13,535 And I'm kinda looking into whether or not 734 00:26:13,535 --> 00:26:16,109 I'm going to rescue senior dogs and give 735 00:26:16,109 --> 00:26:18,109 them a safe place to see out the 736 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:20,269 rest of their lives. I've got a fairly 737 00:26:20,269 --> 00:26:22,850 large chunk of property up on Vancouver Island. 738 00:26:23,309 --> 00:26:25,650 So, yeah, there might be some little rescue 739 00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:27,009 spot going on there. 740 00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:29,994 And I wanna continue on in my business 741 00:26:30,375 --> 00:26:32,535 in making sure it's a place for the 742 00:26:32,535 --> 00:26:33,035 community 743 00:26:33,414 --> 00:26:34,234 and continuing 744 00:26:34,775 --> 00:26:36,615 to show that business can be done with 745 00:26:36,615 --> 00:26:38,954 heart, that you can lead with heart 746 00:26:39,509 --> 00:26:42,470 and that it can follow that for profit 747 00:26:42,470 --> 00:26:43,450 social enterprise 748 00:26:43,830 --> 00:26:45,450 and be healthy and survive. 749 00:26:45,830 --> 00:26:47,289 Those are what I'm looking at. 750 00:26:47,750 --> 00:26:48,730 What a beautiful 751 00:26:49,509 --> 00:26:51,049 way to move through life. 752 00:26:51,430 --> 00:26:52,684 Yeah. Because 753 00:26:52,984 --> 00:26:55,144 life is actually very good with all the 754 00:26:55,144 --> 00:26:57,384 trauma, with all the pain. I mean, isn't 755 00:26:57,384 --> 00:27:00,105 it great? At my home here and being 756 00:27:00,105 --> 00:27:02,505 off grid, I'm looking outside right now at 757 00:27:02,505 --> 00:27:04,345 the ocean and every now and then a 758 00:27:04,345 --> 00:27:06,424 whale will pop up with this baby. I'm 759 00:27:06,424 --> 00:27:08,710 like, oh my god. How lucky am I? 760 00:27:09,409 --> 00:27:11,089 I wake up most days thinking life is 761 00:27:11,089 --> 00:27:13,329 beautiful. That doesn't mean I don't have sadness. 762 00:27:13,329 --> 00:27:15,250 I do. But there's always beauty in the 763 00:27:15,250 --> 00:27:15,750 moments. 764 00:27:16,129 --> 00:27:18,289 And so if you can stop and find 765 00:27:18,289 --> 00:27:20,369 those moments and I try to focus on 766 00:27:20,369 --> 00:27:21,730 those. I really try to focus on the 767 00:27:21,730 --> 00:27:22,230 moments. 768 00:27:22,615 --> 00:27:24,855 And if I'm struggling finding them, I go 769 00:27:24,855 --> 00:27:25,355 outside, 770 00:27:25,734 --> 00:27:26,714 get into nature, 771 00:27:27,255 --> 00:27:28,154 phone a friend, 772 00:27:29,095 --> 00:27:30,774 all those things that just can help you 773 00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,095 like, oh, yeah. Thank you so much for 774 00:27:33,095 --> 00:27:34,554 taking the moment 775 00:27:34,855 --> 00:27:37,500 to be here, to share this journey of 776 00:27:37,579 --> 00:27:39,200 self love, self forgiveness, 777 00:27:40,380 --> 00:27:42,000 and your purpose 778 00:27:42,299 --> 00:27:44,940 and how that's moving through the world. Thank 779 00:27:44,940 --> 00:27:46,400 you. Thank you to Hoffman. 780 00:27:57,434 --> 00:27:59,615 Thank you for listening to the Hoffman podcast. 781 00:27:59,994 --> 00:28:02,154 My name is Matt Brannigan. I'm the CEO 782 00:28:02,154 --> 00:28:04,954 of the Hoffman Institute Foundation and a Hoffman 783 00:28:04,954 --> 00:28:07,730 teacher. Our mission is to provide greater access 784 00:28:07,730 --> 00:28:10,130 to the wisdom and power of love within 785 00:28:10,130 --> 00:28:11,910 ourselves, in our relationships, 786 00:28:12,369 --> 00:28:13,349 and in the world. 787 00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:15,990 To learn more or to support our mission, 788 00:28:16,049 --> 00:28:19,349 we invite you to visit hoffmaninstitute.org.