When I stopped performing for the world and
I learned to trust my own light, my
own power,
my own knowing,
my life changed, my art changed, and
I feel very connected.
Feel very connected to all of it now.
Yeah. And it's not outside of me. It's
inside.
Hello and welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a
podcast
brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My
name is Sadie Hanna, and in this podcast,
you'll hear real conversations
and stories with graduates
about their courageous journey inward and how their
love and light are living in the world
around them. Love's everyday radius.
Thank you for being here and welcome.
Hey, everyone, and welcome. I'm Sadie. I'm here
with Veda McFall. McFall. Veda is a Hoffman
grad. She's also
an incredible
artist of,
for sure, paint.
But I think more than that is I've
gotten to know you just in our preparation
for this conversation.
You
have art
and creativity, like pulsing through your veins.
And so we're gonna get into some of
that today.
Why don't we start by you just introducing
yourself? Tell us a bit about who you
are
and what's important to you.
Thank you so much, Sadie. I think you're
right, and I'm really honored that you noticed
that. My world is my art and my
creativity, and my day is my canvas.
I am just so honored to be having
this conversation with you. You know, this past
year and a half and year of my
life has been so
big for me in my lifetime, and Hoffman
Process is such a significant part of that.
To feel like people see that, people feel
that, they feel that change in me, and
the fact that you wanna have this conversation
with me is, like,
just the greatest honor,
really.
Thank you.
Oh, it's a pleasure, and I'm excited to
learn more about you.
I mean, your art is a story of
transformation that speaks for itself with no words.
When did you actually take the process and
what brought you there initially?
Oh, those are two big questions. Well, I
have been a professional artist my entire life.
It's the work that I've done and been
paid for since I was a teenager.
About a year and a half ago, I
felt a really deep calling to
change my direction of my art.
I had specialized in
black and white portraits for the last twelve
years with
commission portraits and clients, and they were very
dramatic, very large scale, like four or five
feet
and
very meticulous,
black and white, dramatic, you know, every eyelash.
I just felt the spontaneous
need to do something very different. And one
night I did that.
I started, like, painting with full spectrum of
color with my hands, sometimes with my eyes
closed.
It was such a different experience
than the professional work I had done. That
started about a year and a half ago,
and I just kinda kept going with it
and I wasn't sure why it was happening
and I quickly decided I was going to
be making a collection of 100 pieces which
is sort of unheard of. And again, these
were all very large scale paintings
and
my life started having really big shifts
as I continued with these paintings.
On an artistic level, you know, we have
a story here and
my personal life
truly
emerged and developed alongside the artwork
over this last year and a half.
So about midway through this 100
piece collection
was
April
2025,
and that's when I had my Hoffman process.
It was in Calgary,
in Alberta, in the woods of Canada, I
say.
And it was interesting. It just happened accidentally
that I had completed
painting 50,
and
I was titling each painting just by the
number. So I have painting one, two, three,
right,
49, 50
and that was very intentional that I didn't
want to give any predetermined meaning to any
piece. I really wanted the meaning to be
from the viewer, and that was their power.
Right? It wasn't mine.
So painting titled 50 was completed, and I
went off to Hoffman.
Before this shift,
full color,
some degree of
abandon of these,
your words here, dramatic, controlled, and exceptionally
detailed
artwork.
Tell me more about what
was being expressed through you in that artwork.
Well, my clients were primarily children and animals,
so my subject matter was always very loved
by someone.
It was always very gratifying to have this
grand unveiling
in front of the client and they were
deeply moved and I made them so happy.
And
I started to realize that the experience very
much was about them and making someone else
happy.
And, also,
so much of my identity was wrapped up
in showing off my skill
and look how skilled I am. Look what
a good artist I am. Look how trained
I am.
I wanted to sort of challenge my ego
to not need to always show that off
because
my
even greater talent really is the creativity.
What if I shifted my art to show
off my creativity
more than showing off my
artistic skill per se. We will include a
link to
your work in our show notes. I'm looking
at some of these images,
and they are incredible.
And I can see how someone would have
a very clear expectation of what they want
if they've commissioned you to
paint the likeness of their most beloved being.
Yeah. It's a great honor.
As I would begin with a blank canvas,
I certainly knew what the outcome needed to
look like, right? There wasn't mystery there. I
knew what the painting needed to look like
and I always exceeded expectations and it I
mean, people really were deeply moved. I mean,
I would really interview the client about the
personality,
even if it was a dog, you know,
tell me about their personality. What are they
like? People often felt like I really captured
the character in the eyes with the glisten
and the eyelashes, you know, with the abstract
work that I started doing, it was like,
I didn't know what it would turn out
like. It would start to emerge.
Sometimes I would even close my eyes to
sort of put that first initial paint on
the blank canvas
and
it started
sort of becoming like it was born in
front of me. It felt very much birth
like and I have four children that were
all born at home. So, you know, you
don't know who they're going to be.
And so that was a very
contrasting
experience of my artwork. When I did the
portraits,
I mean, literally black and white dramatic, stark,
meticulous detail and I knew what it needed
to look like in the end.
When I started doing the abstract work, which
I sort of call, I don't know, intuitive
painting, expressive painting,
I didn't know what it would turn out
like. I didn't know what colors were going
to happen. I allowed my body to make
it and I allowed it to be born
in front of me. And then
I intentionally
did not put meaning on what this abstract
piece was. I could see how there could
be a bit of courage required
to do that. If you're being commissioned, you
already have someone who wants to buy the
painting. And this is like, I'm gonna birth
this painting and who knows
how it's received.
And I don't care.
Yeah. When I first started painting these, it
wasn't even for a client. I never had
the intention of even necessarily selling them. I
needed a gift for my husband whose birthday
was in a couple days.
And so I always turned to artwork. I
made this painting, and I used my hands.
I didn't use any tools or brushes.
And I made three that night. I stayed
up until one in the morning painting like
a crazy person. I couldn't stop
and
I did three more the next day and
it felt so good in my body
that without any client without needing to show
them off, it was starting to feel so
good. I noticed that I was really procrastinating
when it came to my previous professional work
like I would have the orders, but I'd
really take my time getting to them. And
I kind of started to question like as
an artist, you're supposed to really love this
whole process and experience. And I was really
loving the unveiling,
but I procrastinated the actual process.
So I kinda just inquired within myself about
that.
And when I started painting with my hands,
I was like, this feels amazing. And my
my manicure would get all messed up and
I was getting paint all over. And I
was just
I was acting about as opposite
as I could from what I had been
doing.
Yeah. And it, you know, it felt brave,
sure, but it's just because it felt so
good. Part of me that wonders what
shifted
in you
between
that
controlled, detailed,
very
specific
type of expression
to waking up and saying,
I'm doing this differently.
You mentioned some personal upheaval
in your life, and we know you ultimately
landed
at the Hoffman process, this place where you're
like, something's gotta change and I'm here to
do the work. So what was brewing in
you personally
that was underneath
this shift in your artwork and ultimately you
showing up to take the process?
When I first
started these paintings, I didn't know what it
would mean, and I didn't know that it
would be
literally a visual representation
of my personal inner transformation.
That's what makes it so interesting is that
it is like it's an illustration
of me changing as a human being. So
this was the year leading up to me
turning 40,
and
this was the time for me. I think
it was time for me in this lifetime
to learn lessons
and make shifts that I had maybe tried
to in the past, but I didn't.
And
I wanted to do it in this lifetime.
I wanted to do the work. I wanted
to challenge my ego
to not need to show off skill and
get that outside affirmation.
With this art, I was able to
start to challenge my ego in that way.
Your art as an illustration
of
change and maybe a permission
to do something differently.
We know you ultimately ended up at the
process.
Leading up to it,
what was happening for you personally
in your life? You mentioned some upheaval and
some change. Tell us more about that. Well,
in my most significant and primary
relationship with my husband,
we'd spent twelve years together at that point,
and
we really were in a cycle
of behavior and
upheaval within the relationship, and I needed to
make a dramatic move to cut us out
of that cycle.
Unfortunately,
the way that I thought I needed
to change that cycle we are in was
to
end that part of our relationship.
And it certainly was the most difficult winter
of our in our whole family's life.
I will always be sorry for the pain
that it caused all of the people
in our life,
but I don't regret it at all
because
it has absolutely
brought us to the new relationship that we
have now.
It's brought me to my own inner spirituality.
It's brought me to
being just a powerful, content,
loving person.
I think every single person in our life,
in our family, in our friend circles,
I think they're actually all grateful
for who I've become because of this.
And,
you know, if I had been able to
do it any other way, I would have.
But I guess I needed to hit that
rock bottom
where I really realized how alone I was
in order to make a decision
that
this is the type of relationship I wanted
with my partner.
We really only were separated for a very
brief moment,
you know, maybe weeks.
But
it was months leading up to that of
this
tumultuous
back and forth about what we were going
to do, but I couldn't refer inward.
I wasn't sure why this was happening.
And I know that we couldn't continue living
the way we had been living, but I
didn't know what was on the other side
of it. And I guess at that moment,
you know, life could have gone
in any direction.
But we decided to start over and build
a completely new relationship.
And shortly after that was when I was
scheduled for the Hoffman process. So already arriving
to the Hoffman process, I knew that I
wanted this life with him, with my children,
with my family.
But the depth of our relationship now
is just so different, and
it wouldn't have gotten there. We would have
continued on in this, I don't know, every
four to six month turmoil that we were
in
for twelve, thirteen years.
I mean, it's just gone. It's just not
who we are anymore.
And so he actually did the Hoffman process
seven months after I did.
And to have that shared experience now, we
have an actual spiritual connection within our relationship
now. And so interesting, because
when I came back from the process,
I couldn't talk about any of it. I
couldn't share anything.
And when he came back, we were finally
able to be like, hey, you remember when
we did this? And how did you feel
about that? And really, truly binding,
you know, and many, many months later, we'll
still refer to something about some discovery that
either of us had during the process.
It's like the artwork started and the artwork
had to,
it had to be this catalyst for change
for me. And I thought it was just
in the artwork, but it led to change
within me as a person. It led to
change within my relationship.
It's
like, I understand
all of it now. I understand the why.
And, ultimately,
the art started teaching me the lessons.
That happened post Hoffman. So when I came
back from Hoffman, that's when the artwork actually
started speaking to me
and giving me the lessons. And I'd love
to give you examples of those.
Yeah. Give us some examples of the lessons
you've learned.
I hear you saying it's not only about
the art. That was a representation
of change that was happening in other ways.
Tell us a bit about what you learned.
The powerful lesson came
when I started painting after Hoffman.
So
during my process, it was a particularly
quiet moment perhaps, and I just took the
back of one of my papers
and a regular pen, and I sort of
just closed my eyes, and I started making
some lines and
drawing some shapes on the paper. And then
I opened my eyes, and I took another
piece of paper, and I just did several
of those.
And it was kind of interesting how there
was kinda similarity
between four pieces of paper
and similar shape. And I didn't think much
of it, and I tucked it behind in
my binder.
So when I came home after the process,
maybe took me another week to get back
into my studio.
And even though all of the paintings were
coming from a place of intuition,
prior to that, I really took an extra
moment to sort of,
I don't know, hold my hands on my
heart and take a moment before I started
painting or drawing. I closed my eyes, and
I just reached my arm out. I had
a piece of charcoal in my hand, And
I just started making a shape with my
arm. And it wasn't just my hand, it
was like a full arm projection, right. And,
this was four by four feet
piece that I was working with. And I
just repeated the shape with my arm over
and over, and I opened my eyes and
I loved it. And I rotated the canvas
and I continued this sort of these patterns.
And I did that for the next several
paintings.
And as I'm making number 55,
I realize
that there's this correlation
between
this repetitive line pattern I'm creating on the
canvas
and the repetitive
patterns
of behavior in life, in my life, in
anyone's life.
And just like I can choose to stop
making that line on that canvas.
I
have choice to stop making that pattern in
life.
And I looked back at these paintings.
And I'm like,
Wow,
This is the lesson.
This is me. Just like I have chosen
to end patterns
and live in my authentic self,
I'm choosing to stop this line.
Days later, I pull my binder out and
I pull those pieces of paper out, and
it's the same shape.
I mean, I was blown away. Like, that
came from my body without looking,
and it repeated in my paintings for the
next, I don't know, 12 paintings. And it's
not about
being perfect
in any way from this point forward.
But I have daily awareness
when these type of patterns pop up for
me of, you know, this outside validation, outside
affirmation.
Like, very often,
I might share with someone I'm an artist
and I shut start showing them my artwork,
which is, you know, the colorful abstracts, the
finger painting.
And
I catch myself having the urge to be
like, oh, well, this is what I do
now, but but look at what I used
to do. Look at my skill. Look what
a good artist I am. And I would
catch myself. Right?
And I'm like, why am I doing that?
Why do I need to do that?
And so
beyond that initial lesson, I would say that
that lesson of repetitive line and pattern was
the first time that I noticed,
wow, there's actual lessons in here. And from
that point forward, there were many, many more.
As an example,
I sort of have a rule that I
don't throw away a canvas. I just let
it dry, and I keep painting over it.
And sometimes I talk to myself, and I
record videos of all of the paintings I
make. And so I would maybe talk to
myself, and you don't stop. It's just the
journey, and all of the layers underneath
are all important to the overall finished work.
Don't stop. Don't throw it away. Don't give
up. That's not a mistake.
Just layer. Just keep painting over it.
The paintings that I had the most struggle
with or the most layers
ultimately ended up some of my favorites.
Or a really great funny lesson was I
was filming some professional
commercials
for, for promotion of my upcoming exhibit.
And I had the film crew coming to
my art studio the next day, and I
had spent the whole day rather than painting,
I spent the whole day cleaning the art
studio and picking it up and staging it.
And around midnight,
I stop and I look in the mirror
and I'm like, what am I doing right
now?
What am I staging? For who?
The whole point is people wanna see my
authentic art studio where I have
multiple used mugs and trash and candy wrappers.
And,
you know, things are kind of in disarray
because that's how I work. There's a pile
of latex gloves with paint on them. That's
who I am.
So,
you know, that was a profound and wonderful
lesson that all of my life, it's like,
what am I staging for? For who?
Like, that's actual meaning of authenticity is living
who I am
and not staging anything for anyone else. And
the world actually wants the authentic.
From Hoffman onward, I actually listened
to
the lessons that I got from each painting.
And
a lot of it
was that without the mistake, you know, I'm
putting in quotation marks mistakes,
I wouldn't have this ultimate
beauty of the piece.
I used to have guilt or shame around
the fact that I have learned so much
and maybe I didn't have it before,
but I think that that's the point. The
point is
to choose to learn and grow
in your lifetime.
If I had continued on the path that
I was on,
that would be the failure. That would be
the pain is that I
chose not to grow, but I did.
And so that's add it's it's really admirable.
There's no shame,
And I don't have shame over the paintings
and the many layers they have there. They're
not wrong colors.
And that's really allowed me to sort of
accept my own flaws or growth.
It all had to be there for me
to be this person moving forward, and I'm
very proud of that. I am very proud
of myself. I'm proud of going through this
past year in my life. It breaks the
myth of perfection
to recognize
that you've had an evolution
and that the painting wouldn't be what it
was without those past layers or those past
attempts,
the choice
to grow.
I think
grads leave the process wondering if the change
they've experienced will last.
Can you speak to how that's been for
you post process?
I have done other life type courses before,
and what I would learn in them, I
understood intellectually,
but that only lives
in the brain.
And,
you know, it only lasts for so long,
truly. But what I gained at the process
is like embodied.
It wasn't intellectualized.
It was
integrated into me fully.
My body, my emotions, my intellect, my spiritual
self.
And so it's not something I can forget.
It's something that's embodied, and it's the way
I live.
My husband would say it
regularly, you know, as I moved further and
further away from completing the process,
he would just say to people, like, it's
amazing. It's just been incredible to observe
how positive this has been for her.
I want whatever she did because
she's living in this way now, and it's
powerful, and it's been powerful for our whole
family.
I love how your
body has been your guide.
We speak about on that first day, you
don't have to have a lot of explicit
memories from childhood, but your body
remembers. It has stored
some of what you've learned,
and it's the path
toward healing.
Well,
it was amazing to me
how many people
told me I look different.
Several children,
you know, because children are naturally more intuitive,
and I think they feel the change on
a different level.
But to have people tell me that I
look different and I'm like, I know. Right?
It's really funny. One of my girlfriends complimented
me and was like, what did you do
to your skin? You have that extra glow.
And I'm like, it's Hoffman. She's like, yeah,
I was hoping it'd be something easier.
They're like, it's light, baby.
Light. It's my light. So we laugh about
that. It's called Soulshine.
As you've distilled
all of what's happened for you, in some
way, it's been expressed in your art, but
you've also
spoken about it beautifully.
What else would you like to share that
you haven't already?
I think what I used to search for
outwardly
was actually
within me.
And when I stopped performing for the world
and I learned to trust my own light,
my own power,
my own knowing,
my life changed, my art changed, and
I feel very connected.
Feel very connected to all of it now.
Yeah. And it's not outside of me. It's
inside.
What a gift
for you to hold in your heart. What
a gift for your children, for your husband.
What's next? What's next for you? I have
big artistic plans, and most importantly, I'm going
to do work that I love, and that
feels good in my body.
Thank you so much for being here. You
are sharing
something
that is meaningful
way beyond
just you. It's such a like you said,
an illustration
for others to see and be inspired by,
and I'm grateful for you.
Thank you.
The filmographer that I worked with to film
these commercials,
he was inspired. He wants to do like
a documentary about this, and I'm like, let's
do it. Let's do it.
You know, if I were gonna sum up
what you've just shared, it's you surrendering to
the unknown and letting it create
for you art and
the courage that it's taken to say yes.
I am so honored, and I'm so grateful.
I'm so inspired to have had this conversation
with you. Thank you. And this beautiful beam
of light that's behind my head is just
they're not coincidences.
They're
sprinkles of reminders. They're like a little joke.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to the Hoffman podcast.
My name is Matt Brannigan. I'm the CEO
of the Hoffman Institute Foundation
and a Hoffman teacher. Our mission is to
provide greater access to the wisdom and power
of love within ourselves, in our relationships,
and in the world. To learn more or
to support our mission, we invite you to
visit hoffmaninstitute.org.