1 00:00:01,280 --> 00:00:04,259 Whatever I end up being or 2 00:00:04,719 --> 00:00:05,219 feeling 3 00:00:05,599 --> 00:00:07,620 or whatever it is, 4 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,539 it is my 5 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,779 life that I claim. 6 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,699 That sense of empowerment 7 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,774 wouldn't have happened without the process. 8 00:00:18,195 --> 00:00:20,914 Welcome, everybody. My name is Drew Horning, and 9 00:00:20,914 --> 00:00:23,974 this podcast is called Love's Everyday Radius. 10 00:00:24,675 --> 00:00:26,774 It's brought to you by the Hoffman Institute, 11 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,750 and it's stories and anecdotes 12 00:00:30,369 --> 00:00:31,910 and people we interview 13 00:00:32,289 --> 00:00:33,989 about their life post process 14 00:00:34,289 --> 00:00:36,869 and how it lives in the world radiating 15 00:00:37,090 --> 00:00:37,590 love. 16 00:00:46,454 --> 00:00:48,954 Everybody, welcome to the Hoffman podcast. Diana 17 00:00:49,335 --> 00:00:52,695 or Anna Bach is with us. Anna, thank 18 00:00:52,695 --> 00:00:55,255 you for being here. Welcome. Thank you so 19 00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,594 much for inviting me, Drew. I'm so 20 00:00:58,700 --> 00:00:59,200 excited. 21 00:00:59,979 --> 00:01:02,939 You did your process how long ago? This 22 00:01:02,939 --> 00:01:03,439 was 23 00:01:04,140 --> 00:01:06,219 three and a half years ago. So this 24 00:01:06,219 --> 00:01:08,000 was twenty twenty two March 25 00:01:08,379 --> 00:01:09,120 in California. 26 00:01:09,659 --> 00:01:11,579 Mhmm. You and I have talked a little 27 00:01:11,579 --> 00:01:13,200 bit, but not too much. 28 00:01:13,685 --> 00:01:15,944 Where do you think we should start 29 00:01:16,484 --> 00:01:17,384 this story? 30 00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,545 Oh, I think 31 00:01:19,844 --> 00:01:21,305 I want to begin 32 00:01:22,325 --> 00:01:24,185 as vulnerable as I can 33 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:24,984 with 34 00:01:25,444 --> 00:01:26,344 my experience 35 00:01:27,209 --> 00:01:27,950 that I had, 36 00:01:28,409 --> 00:01:29,150 most recently. 37 00:01:30,010 --> 00:01:31,870 I used to be a postgraduate 38 00:01:32,250 --> 00:01:35,370 research associate, that's just another word for research 39 00:01:35,370 --> 00:01:35,870 assistant, 40 00:01:36,650 --> 00:01:37,870 at a child psychiatry 41 00:01:38,569 --> 00:01:40,349 research lab at Yale 42 00:01:40,730 --> 00:01:41,870 Child Study Center. 43 00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:43,854 I wanna start there because 44 00:01:44,155 --> 00:01:44,655 that 45 00:01:45,034 --> 00:01:46,254 was my most 46 00:01:47,034 --> 00:01:47,534 transformative, 47 00:01:48,474 --> 00:01:48,974 authentic, 48 00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:50,814 and excruciating 49 00:01:52,314 --> 00:01:55,829 two years of my life. So, yeah, let's 50 00:01:55,829 --> 00:01:58,009 start there. Take us to 51 00:01:59,030 --> 00:02:00,650 where it was most 52 00:02:01,269 --> 00:02:01,769 excruciating 53 00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:05,129 or a place that feels potent 54 00:02:05,509 --> 00:02:06,009 enough 55 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:07,530 and describe 56 00:02:07,909 --> 00:02:10,090 what's happening and where you are. 57 00:02:10,474 --> 00:02:13,294 I'm closing my eyes as I imagine or 58 00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:15,294 relive this experience. 59 00:02:16,314 --> 00:02:17,534 I'm in my room 60 00:02:18,314 --> 00:02:19,215 in the bed 61 00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:21,294 just so so 62 00:02:22,715 --> 00:02:23,215 scared. 63 00:02:23,594 --> 00:02:24,895 I'm I'm in fear. 64 00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:28,760 And in the room, there are clothes everywhere 65 00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:32,760 that I don't know when I wore or 66 00:02:33,139 --> 00:02:34,760 when I'm about to clean. 67 00:02:35,460 --> 00:02:36,280 It's this 68 00:02:36,819 --> 00:02:37,319 very 69 00:02:38,099 --> 00:02:39,159 messy room 70 00:02:40,064 --> 00:02:42,084 that it almost reflect my 71 00:02:42,864 --> 00:02:44,324 heart or my mind 72 00:02:44,784 --> 00:02:46,405 or the state that I'm in. 73 00:02:46,864 --> 00:02:48,724 I'm in pieces almost. 74 00:02:49,344 --> 00:02:51,264 So when you say pieces, what do you 75 00:02:51,264 --> 00:02:54,659 mean? Just broken. I feel broken in pieces. 76 00:02:54,719 --> 00:02:57,060 I I don't know how to describe it 77 00:02:57,439 --> 00:02:58,740 other ways, but 78 00:02:59,439 --> 00:03:00,180 I feel 79 00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:02,180 no longer whole, 80 00:03:02,719 --> 00:03:04,500 and I'm just in this 81 00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:05,379 compartmentalized 82 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:07,300 zone. 83 00:03:08,294 --> 00:03:11,655 In Hoffman language, my quadrinity is never in 84 00:03:11,655 --> 00:03:13,674 balance along those days. 85 00:03:14,134 --> 00:03:15,275 My intellect is 86 00:03:15,655 --> 00:03:17,594 running. My emotional 87 00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:18,954 self is 88 00:03:19,814 --> 00:03:21,194 is just deeply 89 00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,230 saddened by the state that I'm in 90 00:03:24,930 --> 00:03:27,990 and also angry and, you know, upset 91 00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:31,030 at myself for being in that state. 92 00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:34,550 My spiritual self, I think, is crying 93 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:35,590 because 94 00:03:36,055 --> 00:03:39,014 I'm getting somewhere, but I'm not there yet. 95 00:03:39,014 --> 00:03:41,435 And I think my spiritual self is trying 96 00:03:41,974 --> 00:03:44,935 to encourage me to push through because I 97 00:03:44,935 --> 00:03:47,415 can do it, but my body is just 98 00:03:47,415 --> 00:03:48,395 locked. I'm 99 00:03:48,694 --> 00:03:49,194 literally 100 00:03:49,495 --> 00:03:50,955 paralyzed in the bed. 101 00:03:51,569 --> 00:03:53,110 I'm not able to move. 102 00:03:53,890 --> 00:03:54,390 And 103 00:03:54,770 --> 00:03:56,390 dissonance that I have 104 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:59,189 happened every single night. 105 00:03:59,810 --> 00:04:01,590 And what's amazing is that 106 00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:03,189 the next morning, 107 00:04:03,925 --> 00:04:04,664 I'm able to 108 00:04:06,884 --> 00:04:07,705 have this 109 00:04:08,084 --> 00:04:08,985 mask on 110 00:04:09,525 --> 00:04:10,025 and 111 00:04:10,405 --> 00:04:13,205 go to work because there are people that 112 00:04:13,205 --> 00:04:14,584 I I promised. 113 00:04:15,125 --> 00:04:17,225 There are people that I want to 114 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,580 meet the expectations for, 115 00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:20,699 and 116 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,960 that's the responsible side of me that wanted 117 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,340 to push through. But 118 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,660 the Ana inside me 119 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,699 was so, so lonely. 120 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,584 And I was physically lonely because 121 00:04:34,125 --> 00:04:36,604 it was my first time ever living away 122 00:04:36,604 --> 00:04:38,925 from my siblings, and I will share you 123 00:04:38,925 --> 00:04:41,004 a whole story of my life here at 124 00:04:41,004 --> 00:04:42,384 the state with my siblings. 125 00:04:42,925 --> 00:04:45,264 But in this moment, you're far from home. 126 00:04:45,830 --> 00:04:47,850 I'm very far from home, 127 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,610 alone in the room, 128 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,210 isolated, and 129 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,210 my therapist actually 130 00:04:53,589 --> 00:04:54,889 said you are 131 00:04:55,589 --> 00:04:57,370 living the life of a prisoner 132 00:04:57,910 --> 00:04:58,569 by choice. 133 00:04:59,415 --> 00:05:01,035 Yeah. That was a huge 134 00:05:01,654 --> 00:05:03,654 hit in the like, I was almost, like, 135 00:05:03,654 --> 00:05:04,154 struck 136 00:05:04,615 --> 00:05:07,194 my head to listen to that comment because 137 00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,675 it resonated with me in a very, 138 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:11,355 very powerful 139 00:05:11,975 --> 00:05:12,475 way. 140 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,519 So, Anna, what happens next? You're in that 141 00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:19,899 situation. You're, as she said, you're choosing it. 142 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,699 And then what happens? Where does it go? 143 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:23,660 I think 144 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,139 every single day, I 145 00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:28,115 have this 146 00:05:29,134 --> 00:05:29,634 emotional 147 00:05:30,735 --> 00:05:31,634 roller coaster 148 00:05:32,014 --> 00:05:32,514 of 149 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,774 feeling that I can do this. I'm at 150 00:05:35,774 --> 00:05:38,414 Yale. I'm gonna achieve things. I'm gonna be 151 00:05:38,414 --> 00:05:38,910 great. 152 00:05:39,389 --> 00:05:41,949 There are also a great support system I 153 00:05:41,949 --> 00:05:43,089 I have professionally 154 00:05:43,709 --> 00:05:46,769 where the mentors that I've met were truly, 155 00:05:46,830 --> 00:05:49,949 genuinely, I cannot emphasize more, one of the 156 00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:50,850 most inspiring 157 00:05:51,949 --> 00:05:52,769 group of 158 00:05:53,204 --> 00:05:54,904 people that I got to meet. 159 00:05:55,764 --> 00:05:57,544 But when I'm alone, 160 00:05:58,165 --> 00:05:59,464 I was so 161 00:05:59,925 --> 00:06:00,425 confused 162 00:06:00,725 --> 00:06:01,544 and lost. 163 00:06:02,485 --> 00:06:05,144 The next thing I did was really to 164 00:06:05,579 --> 00:06:06,079 reach 165 00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:08,939 out. But the more I reached out, the 166 00:06:08,939 --> 00:06:09,919 more I felt 167 00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:12,560 alone at that moment, 168 00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:16,060 ironically. Right? And one of the things that 169 00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:16,560 they 170 00:06:17,339 --> 00:06:19,919 asked me is, well, why are you 171 00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:20,720 here? 172 00:06:21,194 --> 00:06:23,514 What is something that you want to gain 173 00:06:23,514 --> 00:06:24,654 out of this experience? 174 00:06:25,274 --> 00:06:27,935 The work at Yale? Right. The research. 175 00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:29,615 It's such a 176 00:06:30,154 --> 00:06:30,654 significant 177 00:06:31,754 --> 00:06:33,774 experience you can have where 178 00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,310 all the network is there, all of the 179 00:06:36,310 --> 00:06:38,629 resource and, you know, anything that you want 180 00:06:38,629 --> 00:06:39,209 to explore, 181 00:06:39,589 --> 00:06:41,610 you are able to explore. 182 00:06:42,229 --> 00:06:43,289 So many opportunities. 183 00:06:44,389 --> 00:06:46,550 Okay. So they ask you, what do you 184 00:06:46,550 --> 00:06:48,845 want and what do you say? Initially, 185 00:06:49,225 --> 00:06:51,305 the reason why I wanted to be at 186 00:06:51,305 --> 00:06:53,064 Yale was because I wanted to go to 187 00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:56,264 their med school. It was my dream to 188 00:06:56,264 --> 00:06:57,805 go to Yale med school. 189 00:06:58,425 --> 00:06:59,165 It was 190 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:00,045 painful 191 00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:01,004 because 192 00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:04,310 when they asked me, well, then why do 193 00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:05,850 you wanna go to med school? 194 00:07:06,790 --> 00:07:09,850 I have all these reasons, right, my intellect 195 00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:12,970 can list out hundreds and hundreds of reasons 196 00:07:13,189 --> 00:07:15,350 why I wanna be in health care, why 197 00:07:15,350 --> 00:07:17,795 I want to connect with the world out 198 00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:19,654 there as a clinician, a physician. 199 00:07:20,514 --> 00:07:24,675 But when I was alone with myself and 200 00:07:24,675 --> 00:07:27,475 asked myself, okay, Anna, why do you wanna 201 00:07:27,475 --> 00:07:29,475 be a doctor? Like, let's go back and 202 00:07:29,475 --> 00:07:32,669 think about the very first moment that you 203 00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,050 wanted to be a doctor. 204 00:07:34,589 --> 00:07:36,050 I could not but 205 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,449 want to avoid that question 206 00:07:39,229 --> 00:07:41,569 because I realized that it was something 207 00:07:42,349 --> 00:07:45,310 that wasn't truly from me. And I wanted 208 00:07:45,310 --> 00:07:47,329 this path to be about myself 209 00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:50,444 and that the choice that I made to 210 00:07:50,564 --> 00:07:53,044 for myself, but I realized the more I 211 00:07:53,044 --> 00:07:54,105 think about this, 212 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:56,105 it wasn't for me. 213 00:07:56,485 --> 00:07:59,305 So you really gave yourself permission to indulge 214 00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:00,105 the question, 215 00:08:00,485 --> 00:08:02,485 well, how do I wanna do this? What 216 00:08:02,485 --> 00:08:04,860 do I really want? And then you indulge 217 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,300 it so much, you decide to go to 218 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,040 the origin 219 00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:08,720 of the dream 220 00:08:09,259 --> 00:08:10,319 to be a doctor, 221 00:08:10,779 --> 00:08:13,259 and you go way back into childhood, I 222 00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:16,300 imagine, where sometimes we form these dreams about 223 00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,379 what we wanna do in our lives as 224 00:08:18,379 --> 00:08:18,879 adults. 225 00:08:19,714 --> 00:08:21,095 And so what do you find? 226 00:08:21,475 --> 00:08:23,235 What happens when you go all the way 227 00:08:23,235 --> 00:08:25,555 back? It was a long journey that I 228 00:08:25,555 --> 00:08:28,275 had to track back because I've been in 229 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:28,775 this 230 00:08:29,154 --> 00:08:29,895 pre med 231 00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:33,394 cell for the past thirteen years of my 232 00:08:33,394 --> 00:08:34,940 life. That may sound 233 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:36,860 very long, but 234 00:08:37,399 --> 00:08:40,440 that's just basically the amount of years I've 235 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,080 been in The States. So the moment I 236 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:43,580 was 237 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,259 here landing 238 00:08:45,639 --> 00:08:47,420 in the land of The United States, 239 00:08:48,335 --> 00:08:50,514 I was 14 years old and 240 00:08:51,054 --> 00:08:53,394 I already wanted to become a doctor. 241 00:08:53,774 --> 00:08:55,695 Thinking about the reason why I wanted to 242 00:08:55,695 --> 00:08:58,335 be a doctor, I was even younger than 243 00:08:58,335 --> 00:08:58,835 14. 244 00:08:59,535 --> 00:09:02,254 And there was this one night that I 245 00:09:02,254 --> 00:09:03,235 was in China. 246 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,639 Originally, I was born in Korea, but I 247 00:09:05,639 --> 00:09:07,879 I was raised in China. So during my 248 00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,339 childhood, I was in China. 249 00:09:10,039 --> 00:09:10,539 And 250 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,699 I received a call from 251 00:09:13,079 --> 00:09:14,839 one of my family members. I think it 252 00:09:14,839 --> 00:09:16,539 was my second oldest sister 253 00:09:17,004 --> 00:09:19,184 telling me this really fun 254 00:09:19,804 --> 00:09:23,184 conversation she had with a fortune teller. 255 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:26,064 I don't know how to bring this topic 256 00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:26,625 up, 257 00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:30,544 but fortune telling was actually a very, very 258 00:09:31,245 --> 00:09:31,745 familiar 259 00:09:32,690 --> 00:09:34,389 culture in my family. 260 00:09:34,929 --> 00:09:37,089 As I was growing up, that was the 261 00:09:37,089 --> 00:09:38,549 norm I perceived. 262 00:09:39,409 --> 00:09:41,830 Just for context, where did you grow up? 263 00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:43,350 So I 264 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:46,370 was born in Korea, but I when I 265 00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:49,865 was five, I moved to Shanghai, China. So 266 00:09:49,865 --> 00:09:51,404 I was in the East Asian 267 00:09:52,105 --> 00:09:53,485 part of the globe. 268 00:09:54,024 --> 00:09:56,664 I don't wanna generalize the whole East Asian 269 00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:59,884 culture, but at least within my family's culture, 270 00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:01,429 The way I 271 00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:03,990 perceived life or 272 00:10:04,929 --> 00:10:06,950 how the universe works or 273 00:10:07,410 --> 00:10:09,750 how one should make big decisions, 274 00:10:10,450 --> 00:10:11,190 my mother 275 00:10:11,490 --> 00:10:12,470 used to 276 00:10:12,850 --> 00:10:15,350 turn to fortune tellers and shamans. 277 00:10:15,954 --> 00:10:18,615 As a regular thing? It was very regular. 278 00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:19,894 I only 279 00:10:20,434 --> 00:10:20,934 recently, 280 00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,894 like, by recent, like, the past few years, 281 00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:26,774 recognized that it was not the norm 282 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,254 of how others lived. 283 00:10:30,019 --> 00:10:32,660 What did the fortune teller say to your 284 00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:35,940 mom that apparently then your mom communicated to 285 00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:38,259 you about your life? In order to share 286 00:10:38,259 --> 00:10:40,259 this, I also may have to back up 287 00:10:40,259 --> 00:10:40,920 a little 288 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:42,679 to let you know that 289 00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:45,705 I was born in a very specific time 290 00:10:45,705 --> 00:10:47,085 of a specific day 291 00:10:47,465 --> 00:10:50,504 because that also was something my mother paid 292 00:10:50,504 --> 00:10:53,225 attention to or got the advice from a 293 00:10:53,225 --> 00:10:56,105 shaman. And we can explore that later on 294 00:10:56,105 --> 00:10:59,000 too with my mom's childhood too. But 295 00:10:59,379 --> 00:11:01,940 going back a little bit further in the 296 00:11:01,940 --> 00:11:04,679 timeline, yes, the fortune teller, according to 297 00:11:05,059 --> 00:11:06,679 the time that I was born, 298 00:11:07,139 --> 00:11:09,059 she did a reading and she said, you 299 00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,000 know what? You're gonna be a great doctor. 300 00:11:11,299 --> 00:11:12,440 This is the courier 301 00:11:12,904 --> 00:11:14,205 that you will earn 302 00:11:14,825 --> 00:11:16,684 all the good things in life. 303 00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:19,644 And I was in the room 304 00:11:20,024 --> 00:11:21,165 receiving the call, 305 00:11:21,785 --> 00:11:24,825 and they told me that according to my 306 00:11:24,825 --> 00:11:25,325 barcode, 307 00:11:26,665 --> 00:11:27,404 I am 308 00:11:28,029 --> 00:11:31,250 destined or I will be a great doctor 309 00:11:31,470 --> 00:11:32,529 out of the career 310 00:11:33,149 --> 00:11:33,649 choices. 311 00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:35,490 Doctor will be 312 00:11:36,269 --> 00:11:39,389 the most potent job I can pursue. And 313 00:11:39,389 --> 00:11:40,529 when you say barcode, 314 00:11:41,105 --> 00:11:43,524 what does that mean? I think that 315 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,485 whole idea of being born 316 00:11:47,024 --> 00:11:50,165 with the auspicious time for a better life 317 00:11:50,545 --> 00:11:53,585 almost resembles what a barcode is like, where 318 00:11:53,585 --> 00:11:54,085 it's 319 00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:55,899 predesigned 320 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:56,700 or 321 00:11:57,159 --> 00:11:57,659 predescribed 322 00:11:58,279 --> 00:12:00,860 almost to explain one's fate. 323 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,720 That was sometimes how I felt about my 324 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:04,220 life. 325 00:12:04,839 --> 00:12:07,559 This is so interesting. Your mom's giving you 326 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:08,539 these messages 327 00:12:09,404 --> 00:12:10,384 through the shaman 328 00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:13,804 who's telling the fortune, the future of your 329 00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:16,845 life, and that's in part based on your 330 00:12:16,845 --> 00:12:18,384 birth date and time. 331 00:12:18,924 --> 00:12:20,764 And all of it is pointing to you 332 00:12:20,764 --> 00:12:22,784 being this incredible doctor. 333 00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:26,040 And so you took that to heart, 334 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,440 and now you're at Yale, 335 00:12:29,059 --> 00:12:30,440 and you're in this internship, 336 00:12:31,059 --> 00:12:32,840 and you're like, I wanna be a doctor. 337 00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:34,679 And then they ask you why, 338 00:12:35,139 --> 00:12:36,934 and you're like, wait a minute. Do I 339 00:12:36,934 --> 00:12:38,774 really wanna be a doctor? Let me check 340 00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:41,674 this story. Wow. What courage, Donna, to 341 00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:44,075 be able to go back to the origin 342 00:12:44,214 --> 00:12:44,875 of something 343 00:12:46,054 --> 00:12:49,034 to see if it's really authentic for you. 344 00:12:49,549 --> 00:12:52,029 Honestly, I don't think I would have been 345 00:12:52,029 --> 00:12:52,529 able 346 00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:54,209 to take this courage 347 00:12:54,909 --> 00:12:57,329 had I not been in that much pain. 348 00:12:57,549 --> 00:12:59,970 Right? Because I was in such such 349 00:13:00,509 --> 00:13:02,289 excruciating, again, pain 350 00:13:03,414 --> 00:13:05,274 that I started to question 351 00:13:06,054 --> 00:13:08,615 why am I suffering so much? Why am 352 00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:11,434 I in pain? Like, what is the reason 353 00:13:11,575 --> 00:13:15,014 behind this much sadness and pain and fear? 354 00:13:15,014 --> 00:13:15,514 And 355 00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:19,049 I've come so far. I've come this far, 356 00:13:19,509 --> 00:13:20,169 and I've 357 00:13:20,629 --> 00:13:22,009 believed that I was 358 00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:24,649 taking the right step each moment, 359 00:13:25,669 --> 00:13:27,610 you know, majoring in science, 360 00:13:28,149 --> 00:13:30,009 doing all these different experiences. 361 00:13:31,295 --> 00:13:34,095 And I've came to Yale thinking that I 362 00:13:34,095 --> 00:13:35,875 want to pursue child psychiatry, 363 00:13:37,055 --> 00:13:38,434 and why am I still 364 00:13:38,975 --> 00:13:39,634 in pain? 365 00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:41,315 Wow. 366 00:13:42,415 --> 00:13:44,754 You go back. You do all that digging. 367 00:13:45,615 --> 00:13:46,434 And then 368 00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:48,970 what's next? How do you get out of 369 00:13:48,970 --> 00:13:51,370 the pain once you have this insight that 370 00:13:51,370 --> 00:13:53,389 maybe this isn't what you wanna do? 371 00:13:53,769 --> 00:13:55,309 This is when I really, 372 00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:56,509 really 373 00:13:57,290 --> 00:13:59,389 connected with my spiritual self. 374 00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:02,475 Have you done the process yet? So I've 375 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,375 done the process, 376 00:14:03,675 --> 00:14:04,335 which is 377 00:14:04,875 --> 00:14:07,514 actually the funny part because I was at 378 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,295 Yale post process, 379 00:14:09,835 --> 00:14:12,654 so I thought it's supposed to work. Right? 380 00:14:13,690 --> 00:14:16,889 Oh, so this is interesting. So you get 381 00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:19,230 out of the process and you double down 382 00:14:19,449 --> 00:14:21,470 on the medical journey. 383 00:14:22,009 --> 00:14:24,669 This is really good for people who sometimes 384 00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:27,449 come out of the process thinking everything's gonna 385 00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,829 change right away. 386 00:14:29,665 --> 00:14:32,304 Exactly. Honestly, I don't think there would have 387 00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:33,745 been a better time to go to the 388 00:14:33,745 --> 00:14:36,884 process in the scheme of my life's timeline. 389 00:14:37,264 --> 00:14:38,945 It does make sense that I was at 390 00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:40,725 Yale after process because 391 00:14:41,264 --> 00:14:41,764 Yale 392 00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:43,799 child psychiatry 393 00:14:44,659 --> 00:14:45,159 followed 394 00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:46,120 process. 395 00:14:47,059 --> 00:14:48,679 And during my visualizations 396 00:14:49,059 --> 00:14:52,039 during the Hoffman process, that was when I 397 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:56,200 realized my passion for children's mental health. 398 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,554 Us going back in childhood 399 00:14:59,174 --> 00:15:01,815 and, you know, me connecting back to my 400 00:15:01,815 --> 00:15:03,034 adolescence and childhood 401 00:15:03,735 --> 00:15:06,154 resonated with me in such huge 402 00:15:06,534 --> 00:15:09,889 power that I realized it's psychiatry 403 00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:12,589 within the field of medicine that I want 404 00:15:12,589 --> 00:15:13,730 to pursue. 405 00:15:14,589 --> 00:15:17,069 It's really funny because I only could see 406 00:15:17,069 --> 00:15:19,490 what I know. So back then, 407 00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:20,769 the only 408 00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:23,464 career that I knew 409 00:15:24,644 --> 00:15:27,704 was medicine or the medical field. 410 00:15:28,404 --> 00:15:28,904 And 411 00:15:29,605 --> 00:15:30,504 I didn't know 412 00:15:31,044 --> 00:15:32,824 what other jobs can 413 00:15:33,659 --> 00:15:36,879 fulfill this passion that I have for children 414 00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:38,799 and the mental health journey 415 00:15:39,419 --> 00:15:41,519 along the path that I've been 416 00:15:42,299 --> 00:15:44,959 pursuing. And because I was pursuing medicine, 417 00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,059 I thought I had this moment that it's 418 00:15:48,059 --> 00:15:48,879 child psychiatry. 419 00:15:50,355 --> 00:15:54,134 And that's where I collected this COURAGE 420 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:58,355 pieces together to, push through and reach out 421 00:15:58,355 --> 00:15:59,815 to Yale. And 422 00:16:00,195 --> 00:16:00,695 luckily, 423 00:16:01,235 --> 00:16:03,154 I was able to be connected with an 424 00:16:03,154 --> 00:16:04,054 amazing mentor. 425 00:16:04,529 --> 00:16:06,850 That's why I ended up at Yale, but 426 00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:07,909 I was not happy. 427 00:16:08,370 --> 00:16:10,690 How I connected with my spiritual self was 428 00:16:10,690 --> 00:16:11,190 that 429 00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,509 from the tools and 430 00:16:13,809 --> 00:16:15,190 the lessons I received 431 00:16:15,570 --> 00:16:18,230 from Hoffman Process in 2022, 432 00:16:18,665 --> 00:16:21,225 I was able to navigate my two years 433 00:16:21,225 --> 00:16:24,745 research fellowship from '23 to '25 that just 434 00:16:24,745 --> 00:16:25,565 ended recently. 435 00:16:26,264 --> 00:16:28,285 And throughout this painful 436 00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:29,404 experience, 437 00:16:30,345 --> 00:16:31,804 I was able to find 438 00:16:32,264 --> 00:16:33,485 the end of the tunnel 439 00:16:34,019 --> 00:16:35,960 with a greater compassion 440 00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,279 because the process 441 00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:39,800 happened before. 442 00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:43,300 I see. So in your process, you really 443 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,399 got clear that children's medicine 444 00:16:46,019 --> 00:16:48,899 and mental health was where you wanted to 445 00:16:48,899 --> 00:16:49,399 go, 446 00:16:49,815 --> 00:16:52,855 and you interpreted that to mean to be 447 00:16:52,855 --> 00:16:53,514 a doctor, 448 00:16:54,294 --> 00:16:57,495 and that lined up with what your mom 449 00:16:57,495 --> 00:17:00,535 and the shaman had prescribed for you. So 450 00:17:00,535 --> 00:17:02,855 it was all coming together post process. You 451 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,475 felt great. You go to Yale, 452 00:17:05,039 --> 00:17:05,779 and then 453 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:07,539 there's depression. 454 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:08,420 And 455 00:17:08,799 --> 00:17:11,360 you're where you started this story, which was 456 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,180 on your bed, clothes everywhere. You're not sure 457 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,220 what's going on. And then you realize, 458 00:17:18,194 --> 00:17:20,855 wait. This isn't my dream. This was 459 00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:23,234 been put on me by my mother and 460 00:17:23,234 --> 00:17:23,974 the shaman. 461 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:25,974 So then what happens? 462 00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:27,654 So then that's 463 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,414 where I am now. 464 00:17:29,875 --> 00:17:32,274 What I just tried to describe was my 465 00:17:32,274 --> 00:17:35,029 past two years, and that realization 466 00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:38,789 I had was actually this year in April. 467 00:17:39,089 --> 00:17:41,490 Part of what you're saying is you got 468 00:17:41,490 --> 00:17:41,990 clear 469 00:17:42,849 --> 00:17:45,190 post process through a lot of 470 00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:48,069 insight and work and pain. 471 00:17:48,765 --> 00:17:51,244 This dream you had for yourself that you 472 00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:52,945 thought the process had clarified 473 00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,105 was actually inauthentic. 474 00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:57,484 It was your left road. That's not what 475 00:17:57,484 --> 00:17:58,224 you want. 476 00:17:58,765 --> 00:18:01,404 And so what's it like to be in 477 00:18:01,404 --> 00:18:04,139 this place where you you have clarity around 478 00:18:04,139 --> 00:18:06,779 what you don't want, but are you sure 479 00:18:06,779 --> 00:18:09,200 about right now what you do want? 480 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:10,399 I think 481 00:18:10,859 --> 00:18:12,319 where I am right now, 482 00:18:13,339 --> 00:18:14,639 as I look back, 483 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:17,294 the intention and the motivation 484 00:18:17,595 --> 00:18:20,815 I had was the left road, but I 485 00:18:20,875 --> 00:18:23,515 believe it was still the right road that 486 00:18:23,515 --> 00:18:25,214 the process helped me 487 00:18:25,515 --> 00:18:26,815 navigate because 488 00:18:27,279 --> 00:18:29,759 during my times at Yale, I was able 489 00:18:29,759 --> 00:18:30,579 to observe 490 00:18:31,279 --> 00:18:31,779 the 491 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:32,740 clinicians 492 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,859 and realize that instead of psychiatry, 493 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,420 what I want to pursue is psychology. 494 00:18:39,615 --> 00:18:42,654 I only would have learned this difference between 495 00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:44,434 a psychologist and a psychiatrist 496 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:48,015 in that setting. Like, I would not have 497 00:18:48,015 --> 00:18:51,394 learned the difference because I did not ever 498 00:18:52,095 --> 00:18:53,795 know what a psychologist 499 00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:55,640 job is like. 500 00:18:56,259 --> 00:18:58,359 So you're grateful you had the Yale experience 501 00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:01,799 because it helped to tease out the medical 502 00:19:02,019 --> 00:19:02,519 path, 503 00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:03,960 a psychiatrist 504 00:19:04,340 --> 00:19:05,640 versus a psychologist. 505 00:19:06,180 --> 00:19:08,820 I think it is really my spiritual self 506 00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:09,880 that led me 507 00:19:10,494 --> 00:19:13,934 to Yale and to perceive these differences. And 508 00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:14,674 the first 509 00:19:14,974 --> 00:19:15,875 few times, 510 00:19:16,335 --> 00:19:18,894 I think my left road or my dark 511 00:19:18,894 --> 00:19:19,394 side 512 00:19:19,774 --> 00:19:21,154 prevented me from 513 00:19:21,615 --> 00:19:22,835 acknowledging this 514 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:25,650 difference because I was so certain that I 515 00:19:25,650 --> 00:19:27,029 will become a psychiatrist. 516 00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:29,170 Why do you think your left road or 517 00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:31,750 your dark side prevented you from 518 00:19:32,289 --> 00:19:32,789 seeing 519 00:19:33,410 --> 00:19:35,509 this insight that you now have? 520 00:19:35,815 --> 00:19:36,555 I think it's 521 00:19:37,255 --> 00:19:39,974 the value system I used to have, what 522 00:19:39,974 --> 00:19:41,994 defines success, what defines 523 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,115 happiness. 524 00:19:43,894 --> 00:19:44,955 You know, we always 525 00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:46,315 learn about 526 00:19:46,775 --> 00:19:47,994 be, do have 527 00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:50,549 instead of do, have, be. 528 00:19:50,849 --> 00:19:53,250 And I thought it was in order to 529 00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:53,750 have 530 00:19:54,289 --> 00:19:54,789 this 531 00:19:55,089 --> 00:19:58,450 successful life, I had to become a doctor 532 00:19:58,450 --> 00:20:01,329 first. It was a do part. And I 533 00:20:01,329 --> 00:20:02,149 was fixated 534 00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,694 and rigid minded on that one path 535 00:20:06,075 --> 00:20:08,174 instead of exploring the other options 536 00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:09,694 that was clearly 537 00:20:10,315 --> 00:20:10,815 happening 538 00:20:11,595 --> 00:20:14,234 every single day around me, but it's just 539 00:20:14,234 --> 00:20:16,654 that I refuse to see what's out there. 540 00:20:17,130 --> 00:20:18,990 We live in such dynamic, 541 00:20:19,769 --> 00:20:20,269 colorful 542 00:20:20,809 --> 00:20:21,309 life. 543 00:20:21,849 --> 00:20:24,329 Every day, we get to see so much. 544 00:20:24,329 --> 00:20:26,970 But if I only choose to see one 545 00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:27,470 thing 546 00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:30,109 and focus on one thing, immediately, 547 00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:31,625 everything 548 00:20:32,085 --> 00:20:34,805 else blacks out. Right? There is nothing else 549 00:20:34,805 --> 00:20:37,285 you can see. And depression was something like 550 00:20:37,285 --> 00:20:39,224 that for me too, like, where 551 00:20:40,565 --> 00:20:42,964 I could only focus on that pain and 552 00:20:42,964 --> 00:20:43,785 that dullness 553 00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:48,380 and being isolated. And Darkseid always tells me 554 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:48,880 that 555 00:20:49,339 --> 00:20:51,500 be in your room. Don't do anything because 556 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,659 if you don't do anything, nothing will happen. 557 00:20:53,659 --> 00:20:56,240 And if nothing happens, you don't have any 558 00:20:56,539 --> 00:20:58,880 change or anything to fear about. 559 00:20:59,255 --> 00:21:01,595 And that's basically what Darkseid 560 00:21:02,414 --> 00:21:06,134 how it functioned as mechanism to save me 561 00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:08,455 or, like, to protect me. It used to 562 00:21:08,455 --> 00:21:09,995 serve as a defense 563 00:21:10,615 --> 00:21:11,115 tool, 564 00:21:11,654 --> 00:21:13,434 but it doesn't anymore. 565 00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,059 And it wants to lock me in one 566 00:21:16,059 --> 00:21:18,619 state because if I'm locked in that one 567 00:21:18,619 --> 00:21:20,480 state, I don't need to 568 00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:21,920 explore 569 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:25,920 change or I don't need to feel uncertain. 570 00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:29,454 There's this certainty that I get to fixate 571 00:21:29,595 --> 00:21:32,015 on, and it will make me safe. 572 00:21:32,394 --> 00:21:34,255 Certainty feels safe. 573 00:21:34,714 --> 00:21:37,214 Such a good description of the dark side. 574 00:21:37,595 --> 00:21:39,054 Your story is great 575 00:21:39,355 --> 00:21:42,589 because we have lots of grads who come 576 00:21:42,589 --> 00:21:44,609 out of the process. They feel great 577 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:45,970 and then 578 00:21:46,349 --> 00:21:47,250 struggles happen. 579 00:21:47,549 --> 00:21:48,049 Then 580 00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:51,869 something can feel like even worse. You know, 581 00:21:51,869 --> 00:21:55,009 who expects to be on their bed depressed, 582 00:21:55,894 --> 00:21:58,615 not able to move, their therapist telling them 583 00:21:58,615 --> 00:22:00,714 you're choosing your prison here. 584 00:22:01,575 --> 00:22:04,134 You've already done the process. This isn't supposed 585 00:22:04,134 --> 00:22:05,434 to happen this way. 586 00:22:05,894 --> 00:22:07,194 So here's the question. 587 00:22:07,734 --> 00:22:10,315 How did taking the process 588 00:22:11,269 --> 00:22:12,649 prior to those struggles 589 00:22:13,509 --> 00:22:15,210 actually help you navigate 590 00:22:15,509 --> 00:22:18,329 the pain points that were showing up 591 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:19,450 more successfully? 592 00:22:20,230 --> 00:22:21,450 I think it's just 593 00:22:22,069 --> 00:22:25,450 love and compassion. I know those are really 594 00:22:26,275 --> 00:22:28,694 widely used words, but 595 00:22:29,154 --> 00:22:30,615 I cannot emphasize 596 00:22:30,994 --> 00:22:31,894 more on 597 00:22:32,275 --> 00:22:34,055 how much love I 598 00:22:34,434 --> 00:22:36,214 was able to pour 599 00:22:36,914 --> 00:22:37,815 onto myself 600 00:22:38,755 --> 00:22:39,815 throughout this 601 00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:41,480 challenging time 602 00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:44,759 because I knew that there is 603 00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:47,700 a part of me that I was able 604 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,400 to witness during the process 605 00:22:50,099 --> 00:22:51,799 that was just so 606 00:22:52,615 --> 00:22:53,115 unprogrammed 607 00:22:54,054 --> 00:22:56,394 and so authentic and just 608 00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:57,994 so loving. 609 00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:01,595 And because I know that that happened 610 00:23:02,454 --> 00:23:05,015 that happened, so it must be me. It 611 00:23:05,015 --> 00:23:06,954 must be somewhere in me. 612 00:23:07,450 --> 00:23:10,269 And, yes, I'm going through this challenge, but 613 00:23:10,730 --> 00:23:14,190 that part of me is also with me. 614 00:23:14,970 --> 00:23:15,470 So 615 00:23:16,009 --> 00:23:19,150 I trust that. It's almost like your body 616 00:23:19,369 --> 00:23:20,830 remembers the experience 617 00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:23,795 that you had in your process 618 00:23:24,255 --> 00:23:24,755 around 619 00:23:25,134 --> 00:23:28,174 loving yourself, having compassion for yourself. Do you 620 00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:30,755 remember where you were during your week? 621 00:23:31,214 --> 00:23:32,835 Instead of, like, a location 622 00:23:33,214 --> 00:23:35,615 or, like, a physical matter, it's more of 623 00:23:35,615 --> 00:23:38,440 a feeling or a visceral certainty 624 00:23:39,379 --> 00:23:40,679 that I had of 625 00:23:40,980 --> 00:23:41,480 humanity 626 00:23:42,179 --> 00:23:42,919 and connectedness. 627 00:23:44,179 --> 00:23:47,460 I just felt so connected with not just 628 00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:48,919 myself, but the community 629 00:23:49,539 --> 00:23:52,345 or my group, right, that I was belonging 630 00:23:52,345 --> 00:23:54,684 to. And that sense of belongingness 631 00:23:56,105 --> 00:23:58,444 helped me be myself. And 632 00:23:58,984 --> 00:24:01,565 even if I'm outside the process, 633 00:24:01,944 --> 00:24:03,724 the community that I am 634 00:24:04,049 --> 00:24:05,750 in in that current situation 635 00:24:06,450 --> 00:24:08,450 will see me and love me the way 636 00:24:08,450 --> 00:24:10,390 I am. So with that certainty, 637 00:24:11,009 --> 00:24:12,930 I was able to reach out to my 638 00:24:12,930 --> 00:24:13,430 mentors 639 00:24:14,049 --> 00:24:16,130 and, you know, the peers and anyone that 640 00:24:16,130 --> 00:24:17,650 I was able to reach out to. I 641 00:24:17,650 --> 00:24:19,515 was a I had that 642 00:24:20,054 --> 00:24:20,554 vulnerable 643 00:24:21,575 --> 00:24:22,634 cry of help 644 00:24:23,015 --> 00:24:25,734 because that was the most compassionate thing I 645 00:24:25,734 --> 00:24:28,474 could do for myself was to reach out. 646 00:24:29,255 --> 00:24:31,674 That vulnerable cry of help. 647 00:24:32,339 --> 00:24:34,500 So you reached out to your therapist, you 648 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:35,880 reached out to mentors, 649 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:37,960 and you explained 650 00:24:38,740 --> 00:24:40,740 what was happening in the struggles you were 651 00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:41,240 having. 652 00:24:41,619 --> 00:24:43,079 I wasn't able to 653 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:44,200 fully 654 00:24:45,315 --> 00:24:48,595 disclose what was happening to me every single 655 00:24:48,595 --> 00:24:49,095 night. 656 00:24:49,554 --> 00:24:51,815 You know, the nature of child psychiatrist, 657 00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:54,534 thank god, that I was around 658 00:24:55,075 --> 00:24:58,595 those people was that they truly, truly care, 659 00:24:58,595 --> 00:25:00,694 and they truly know what 660 00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:04,480 this feels like. I didn't need to really 661 00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:07,440 explain much, but they saw me. Yes. 662 00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:10,559 There's a real strong sense that 663 00:25:11,019 --> 00:25:12,400 when you were in trouble, 664 00:25:13,259 --> 00:25:16,000 you went back to your process, 665 00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:18,525 months before 666 00:25:19,144 --> 00:25:21,644 and recalled the felt experience 667 00:25:22,025 --> 00:25:23,085 of being loved, 668 00:25:23,465 --> 00:25:26,525 the felt experience of deep compassion. 669 00:25:27,945 --> 00:25:30,365 You brought that to the present pain, 670 00:25:30,820 --> 00:25:32,200 and it didn't take it away, 671 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:35,240 but it did activate you enough 672 00:25:36,019 --> 00:25:37,940 to get up off the bed with all 673 00:25:37,940 --> 00:25:39,240 its clothes on it 674 00:25:39,619 --> 00:25:40,119 and 675 00:25:40,980 --> 00:25:42,599 go talk to people, 676 00:25:42,980 --> 00:25:43,480 therapists, 677 00:25:43,859 --> 00:25:44,359 mentors, 678 00:25:45,414 --> 00:25:46,954 and have and initiate 679 00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:47,914 conversations. 680 00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:50,474 And definitely family. 681 00:25:50,775 --> 00:25:52,875 And family as well. Your sister. 682 00:25:53,494 --> 00:25:55,595 Mhmm. Nice sisters. And 683 00:25:55,894 --> 00:25:56,795 and even 684 00:25:57,174 --> 00:25:59,835 even tapping back into that moment, 685 00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:01,789 what my mom 686 00:26:02,169 --> 00:26:03,149 would have felt 687 00:26:03,690 --> 00:26:04,829 as she had me. 688 00:26:05,450 --> 00:26:08,329 By then, she already had two girls and 689 00:26:08,329 --> 00:26:10,829 I was a third girl, and that was 690 00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:11,710 a terrifying 691 00:26:12,649 --> 00:26:15,069 news for her in Korea because 692 00:26:15,529 --> 00:26:16,269 they favored 693 00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:19,924 males over females back then in older generation. 694 00:26:20,865 --> 00:26:23,424 As I was in pain of this whole 695 00:26:23,424 --> 00:26:24,805 medical school journey, 696 00:26:25,424 --> 00:26:27,424 I had a moment that I blamed my 697 00:26:27,424 --> 00:26:27,924 mom 698 00:26:28,384 --> 00:26:31,365 for letting me know of this whole birth, 699 00:26:31,980 --> 00:26:32,480 time, 700 00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:33,680 fate, 701 00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:37,920 but to understand her in her shoes 702 00:26:38,299 --> 00:26:41,119 of how anxious she must have been. 703 00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:44,000 And that was the only way for her 704 00:26:44,059 --> 00:26:44,960 to gain 705 00:26:45,554 --> 00:26:47,014 hope and courage 706 00:26:47,794 --> 00:26:50,294 to give birth to another third girl. 707 00:26:50,914 --> 00:26:53,174 That was the best she could do. 708 00:26:54,115 --> 00:26:54,934 That understanding 709 00:26:55,714 --> 00:26:57,254 allowed me to love 710 00:26:57,890 --> 00:26:59,509 myself even more 711 00:26:59,890 --> 00:27:02,390 because I was again born with love. 712 00:27:02,849 --> 00:27:05,829 You went back in your process and afterwards 713 00:27:05,970 --> 00:27:06,470 to 714 00:27:06,929 --> 00:27:08,549 understand some of the motivating 715 00:27:08,929 --> 00:27:11,809 factors that had your mom set you up 716 00:27:11,809 --> 00:27:12,549 for this 717 00:27:13,335 --> 00:27:15,355 whole narrative that the 718 00:27:15,654 --> 00:27:17,914 doctor journey was your journey, 719 00:27:18,375 --> 00:27:20,054 and you got to understand it from a 720 00:27:20,054 --> 00:27:21,515 much broader perspective. 721 00:27:22,214 --> 00:27:22,714 Wow. 722 00:27:23,015 --> 00:27:24,714 And what was the impact of that? 723 00:27:25,015 --> 00:27:26,474 I think the impact 724 00:27:26,855 --> 00:27:28,315 is just complete 725 00:27:29,869 --> 00:27:31,809 blankness that I have now. 726 00:27:32,109 --> 00:27:32,609 Right? 727 00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:35,630 You know, this isn't the average interview in 728 00:27:35,630 --> 00:27:38,589 the sense that not only is a lot 729 00:27:38,589 --> 00:27:40,669 of the insights and a lot of the 730 00:27:40,669 --> 00:27:43,089 beauty of your story post process 731 00:27:43,894 --> 00:27:45,994 through lots of heartache and pain. 732 00:27:46,774 --> 00:27:49,734 But, also, you're on the precipice of it's 733 00:27:49,734 --> 00:27:51,494 not as if it's got a clean ending. 734 00:27:51,494 --> 00:27:53,674 You're not exactly sure what's next. 735 00:27:53,974 --> 00:27:55,914 You're on the precipice of 736 00:27:56,214 --> 00:27:58,154 a blank slate, so to speak. 737 00:27:58,940 --> 00:28:00,160 Exactly. And 738 00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:01,759 I used 739 00:28:02,460 --> 00:28:04,619 to drink tea with one of my mentors 740 00:28:04,619 --> 00:28:05,759 at Yale, and 741 00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:08,220 she would give me words of wisdom. And 742 00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:10,640 I always asked her, what do we do 743 00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:12,414 in this time of uncertainty? 744 00:28:12,875 --> 00:28:15,115 What is something that you could share with 745 00:28:15,115 --> 00:28:17,194 your wise words? Like, what do I do 746 00:28:17,194 --> 00:28:18,575 with all this uncertainty? 747 00:28:19,115 --> 00:28:21,755 And back then, this was before my, you 748 00:28:21,755 --> 00:28:25,035 know, moment because I was always uncertain about 749 00:28:25,035 --> 00:28:27,559 this medical school path. And she 750 00:28:27,940 --> 00:28:30,519 said, well, uncertainty is not bad. 751 00:28:31,059 --> 00:28:33,880 And what she said just struck me 752 00:28:34,339 --> 00:28:34,839 because 753 00:28:35,299 --> 00:28:35,799 uncertainty 754 00:28:36,899 --> 00:28:39,079 feels bad. Right? Like, it feels 755 00:28:39,380 --> 00:28:39,880 so, 756 00:28:40,605 --> 00:28:41,585 so scary. 757 00:28:42,285 --> 00:28:44,365 And I need to know the answer now, 758 00:28:44,365 --> 00:28:46,924 and that's probably one of the reasons why 759 00:28:46,924 --> 00:28:50,045 my mother wanted to seek fortune telling. Right? 760 00:28:50,045 --> 00:28:53,480 Because they give you an immediate answer. Who 761 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,720 knows what's to happen, but a person telling 762 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:57,720 you, yes, it's gonna happen. No. That's not 763 00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:59,980 gonna happen. That's an immediate answer. 764 00:29:00,359 --> 00:29:02,140 And I was so programmed 765 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:03,340 that 766 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,480 somebody else telling me that immediate answer was 767 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:08,779 the right path, 768 00:29:09,375 --> 00:29:10,515 the right road. 769 00:29:10,974 --> 00:29:13,394 So for her to tell me, well, Anna, 770 00:29:13,535 --> 00:29:15,795 uncertainty is not bad at all. 771 00:29:16,255 --> 00:29:19,134 That just opened a whole new door to 772 00:29:19,134 --> 00:29:21,234 my way of perceiving life. 773 00:29:21,929 --> 00:29:24,429 That has been staying with me 774 00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:25,630 ever since. 775 00:29:26,809 --> 00:29:29,769 Again, at this blank state that I'm in 776 00:29:29,769 --> 00:29:31,630 right now, there are 777 00:29:32,009 --> 00:29:34,029 definitely days that I feel 778 00:29:34,744 --> 00:29:36,445 fear. Right? It's not that 779 00:29:36,825 --> 00:29:40,045 I I'm like, okay. Here goes my adventure. 780 00:29:40,105 --> 00:29:42,744 I'm excited every day. That doesn't happen. I 781 00:29:42,744 --> 00:29:44,125 am, of course, 782 00:29:44,744 --> 00:29:45,244 in 783 00:29:45,545 --> 00:29:46,045 fear 784 00:29:46,679 --> 00:29:47,659 time to time, 785 00:29:48,279 --> 00:29:50,919 but my spiritual self, as I connect with 786 00:29:50,919 --> 00:29:51,899 myself again, 787 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,259 tells me that message and tells me that 788 00:29:55,559 --> 00:29:59,259 it's okay because now you get to really, 789 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:01,740 really try to explore 790 00:30:02,625 --> 00:30:05,204 what you like and what you want to 791 00:30:05,904 --> 00:30:06,644 check out, 792 00:30:07,025 --> 00:30:08,164 what's out there. 793 00:30:08,945 --> 00:30:10,244 And that's just 794 00:30:10,625 --> 00:30:11,125 excitement. 795 00:30:11,904 --> 00:30:12,644 That's fantastic. 796 00:30:13,184 --> 00:30:15,265 If you could name the ways in which 797 00:30:15,265 --> 00:30:18,490 the process is helping you navigate that uncertainty 798 00:30:19,589 --> 00:30:22,309 all the years after your process, how's the 799 00:30:22,309 --> 00:30:25,750 process still living inside you in the face 800 00:30:25,750 --> 00:30:26,970 of this unknown 801 00:30:27,430 --> 00:30:27,930 uncertainty? 802 00:30:28,934 --> 00:30:30,154 I think it gives 803 00:30:30,454 --> 00:30:33,734 hope, first of all. That's really the biggest 804 00:30:33,734 --> 00:30:35,974 thing I was able to gain from the 805 00:30:35,974 --> 00:30:38,315 process. It's the hope. And 806 00:30:39,174 --> 00:30:41,674 as we speak, certainty and certainty, 807 00:30:42,309 --> 00:30:43,769 it gives me certainty 808 00:30:44,230 --> 00:30:44,730 that 809 00:30:45,190 --> 00:30:47,529 whatever I end up being 810 00:30:47,830 --> 00:30:48,330 or 811 00:30:48,869 --> 00:30:49,369 feeling 812 00:30:49,670 --> 00:30:50,170 or 813 00:30:50,789 --> 00:30:52,089 whatever it is, 814 00:30:52,710 --> 00:30:53,369 it is 815 00:30:53,750 --> 00:30:54,250 my 816 00:30:54,950 --> 00:30:56,730 life that I claim. 817 00:30:57,625 --> 00:30:59,085 That sense of empowerment 818 00:30:59,944 --> 00:31:02,125 wouldn't have happened without the process. 819 00:31:02,664 --> 00:31:05,964 How old are you, Anna? So I'm 27, 820 00:31:06,184 --> 00:31:08,025 and I was 14 when I came to 821 00:31:08,025 --> 00:31:08,684 The States. 822 00:31:09,384 --> 00:31:12,345 What's it like to tell your story again 823 00:31:12,345 --> 00:31:12,845 and 824 00:31:13,369 --> 00:31:14,750 walk us through the timeline? 825 00:31:15,610 --> 00:31:17,549 I feel, first of all, 826 00:31:18,730 --> 00:31:21,769 raw because I think that was how I 827 00:31:21,769 --> 00:31:22,269 felt 828 00:31:23,130 --> 00:31:25,070 each time I try to 829 00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:26,670 look back in life. 830 00:31:27,025 --> 00:31:28,085 I'm so young. 831 00:31:29,105 --> 00:31:30,325 I'm so young, 832 00:31:30,704 --> 00:31:33,684 and it's natural to feel this raw because 833 00:31:33,904 --> 00:31:37,684 I just physically don't have the data points 834 00:31:37,744 --> 00:31:40,404 as much as a 50 year old. Right? 835 00:31:40,690 --> 00:31:43,090 But that's the fun part because I got 836 00:31:43,090 --> 00:31:43,590 to 837 00:31:44,049 --> 00:31:44,549 experience 838 00:31:44,930 --> 00:31:46,950 this earlier in life 839 00:31:47,410 --> 00:31:48,470 and to navigate 840 00:31:49,410 --> 00:31:51,570 my life with this new lens that I've 841 00:31:51,570 --> 00:31:52,070 gained. 842 00:31:52,609 --> 00:31:55,330 I just feel proud. I'm so proud of 843 00:31:55,330 --> 00:31:58,345 myself. I'm so so proud that I was 844 00:31:58,345 --> 00:32:00,285 able to listen to myself, 845 00:32:00,904 --> 00:32:01,724 not others, 846 00:32:02,345 --> 00:32:03,565 and able to 847 00:32:03,945 --> 00:32:04,445 distinguish 848 00:32:04,904 --> 00:32:07,644 what my voice was from others 849 00:32:08,105 --> 00:32:09,964 because I was so ingrained 850 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:11,899 in other people's 851 00:32:12,919 --> 00:32:15,000 voices and recognitions, and that was one of 852 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,299 my biggest patterns 853 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,339 depending on the external validations. 854 00:32:20,119 --> 00:32:21,819 And instead of those validations, 855 00:32:22,359 --> 00:32:22,859 what 856 00:32:23,505 --> 00:32:24,005 I 857 00:32:24,305 --> 00:32:27,984 assigned myself as value system was more important, 858 00:32:27,984 --> 00:32:28,484 and 859 00:32:28,785 --> 00:32:31,345 to realize that I just could not be 860 00:32:31,345 --> 00:32:32,164 more proud. 861 00:32:32,545 --> 00:32:34,224 I mean, I think about you where you 862 00:32:34,224 --> 00:32:36,005 started the story in that 863 00:32:36,384 --> 00:32:37,525 sadness state. 864 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:41,070 Do you think the process allowed you to 865 00:32:41,690 --> 00:32:43,230 welcome that struggle 866 00:32:43,529 --> 00:32:44,029 in 867 00:32:44,730 --> 00:32:45,869 quicker, sooner, 868 00:32:46,570 --> 00:32:47,470 more forcefully 869 00:32:48,250 --> 00:32:51,150 as a way of altering your course 870 00:32:51,690 --> 00:32:52,430 of action? 871 00:32:53,305 --> 00:32:54,125 I definitely 872 00:32:55,305 --> 00:32:58,125 had moments where I was crying, 873 00:32:58,744 --> 00:33:01,724 and I was excited as I was crying 874 00:33:02,184 --> 00:33:03,965 because I knew it was 875 00:33:04,424 --> 00:33:07,484 the tears from my spiritual self 876 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:09,140 that I was letting out. 877 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:10,100 Wow. 878 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:11,140 The ability 879 00:33:13,039 --> 00:33:14,660 to surrender to pain 880 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:15,940 knowing 881 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:17,779 it's the wise 882 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:19,940 right road part of you 883 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:21,380 guiding you towards 884 00:33:21,955 --> 00:33:23,815 the beginning of a different path? 885 00:33:24,755 --> 00:33:28,195 Initially, I just wanted to stop crying. Right? 886 00:33:28,195 --> 00:33:31,255 Because crying is bad. Crying is pain. 887 00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:32,535 Crying is 888 00:33:32,914 --> 00:33:34,934 something what losers do. 889 00:33:35,555 --> 00:33:37,414 That's how we learned the lesson. 890 00:33:37,809 --> 00:33:38,309 But 891 00:33:38,930 --> 00:33:39,910 as I was 892 00:33:40,529 --> 00:33:43,730 becoming more and more compassionate to myself and 893 00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:44,630 as I was 894 00:33:45,089 --> 00:33:46,549 gaining this newfound 895 00:33:47,570 --> 00:33:49,029 certainty and empowerment, 896 00:33:50,295 --> 00:33:52,455 I realized that the tears that I was 897 00:33:52,455 --> 00:33:52,955 shedding 898 00:33:53,335 --> 00:33:56,134 was just something that I had to go 899 00:33:56,134 --> 00:33:59,275 through to achieve to my next level of 900 00:33:59,575 --> 00:34:00,075 me. 901 00:34:00,615 --> 00:34:02,315 My next level of me. 902 00:34:02,910 --> 00:34:05,309 Say a little more about right road tears 903 00:34:05,309 --> 00:34:05,809 and 904 00:34:06,269 --> 00:34:09,309 how you were getting those messages to let 905 00:34:09,309 --> 00:34:11,250 go of the dream of being a doctor 906 00:34:11,789 --> 00:34:13,489 and step into something 907 00:34:13,789 --> 00:34:14,289 different. 908 00:34:15,035 --> 00:34:17,994 This was just such a pivotal moment of 909 00:34:17,994 --> 00:34:18,494 my 910 00:34:18,954 --> 00:34:21,454 experience at Yale and this year. 911 00:34:21,914 --> 00:34:24,255 So as I was letting go of my 912 00:34:24,954 --> 00:34:25,454 long 913 00:34:25,835 --> 00:34:26,894 adored dream 914 00:34:28,139 --> 00:34:28,960 that I 915 00:34:29,260 --> 00:34:31,900 had to now let go because it was 916 00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:33,199 not part of me 917 00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:36,059 or it wasn't supposed to be part of 918 00:34:36,059 --> 00:34:36,880 me almost. 919 00:34:37,420 --> 00:34:39,039 During that time, 920 00:34:39,659 --> 00:34:40,159 coincidentally, 921 00:34:40,539 --> 00:34:41,599 it was the commencement 922 00:34:42,619 --> 00:34:43,119 season 923 00:34:43,864 --> 00:34:44,684 for universities, 924 00:34:45,224 --> 00:34:45,724 and 925 00:34:46,905 --> 00:34:50,444 it it just the time could couldn't align 926 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:51,005 better. 927 00:34:51,545 --> 00:34:54,045 And there was a commencement ceremony 928 00:34:54,344 --> 00:34:56,125 happening for Yale Med School 929 00:34:56,824 --> 00:34:57,804 on one morning, 930 00:34:58,539 --> 00:34:59,039 and 931 00:34:59,659 --> 00:35:00,799 I felt bittersweet 932 00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:03,760 because as I was seeing this park 933 00:35:04,139 --> 00:35:07,500 decorated for the graduating class of twenty twenty 934 00:35:07,500 --> 00:35:08,000 five, 935 00:35:08,859 --> 00:35:09,920 I felt like 936 00:35:11,260 --> 00:35:12,319 I'm no longer 937 00:35:13,724 --> 00:35:15,904 there. I will never be there. 938 00:35:16,204 --> 00:35:18,525 I always thought I will one day be 939 00:35:18,525 --> 00:35:19,585 in that position, 940 00:35:20,605 --> 00:35:23,505 graduating medical school, becoming an MD. 941 00:35:23,884 --> 00:35:24,384 And 942 00:35:24,924 --> 00:35:27,424 as I was really relinquishing 943 00:35:27,804 --> 00:35:28,304 this 944 00:35:28,769 --> 00:35:29,269 dream, 945 00:35:30,050 --> 00:35:32,530 because I was making that statement to myself, 946 00:35:32,530 --> 00:35:33,670 I now 947 00:35:34,210 --> 00:35:38,050 definitely knew that that part of graduating as 948 00:35:38,050 --> 00:35:40,869 an MD will not be in my timeline. 949 00:35:41,885 --> 00:35:44,625 I felt bittersweet, and I wanted to 950 00:35:45,085 --> 00:35:45,585 avoid 951 00:35:46,204 --> 00:35:48,065 almost seeing the ceremony. 952 00:35:49,005 --> 00:35:50,784 And I was in my lab 953 00:35:51,565 --> 00:35:52,304 that morning 954 00:35:52,764 --> 00:35:53,264 because 955 00:35:53,644 --> 00:35:55,105 I was working, and 956 00:35:55,659 --> 00:35:56,880 I started to cry. 957 00:35:57,659 --> 00:35:59,340 I started to cry in front of my 958 00:35:59,340 --> 00:36:01,820 monitor and I knew that it was something 959 00:36:01,820 --> 00:36:03,840 that I wasn't ready for. 960 00:36:04,300 --> 00:36:07,980 So I told my professor that I may 961 00:36:07,980 --> 00:36:09,360 need to take the day off. 962 00:36:09,974 --> 00:36:11,335 And when I decided to take the day 963 00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:13,575 off, I had to go back home, but 964 00:36:13,575 --> 00:36:16,954 the park for the ceremony, the commencement ceremony 965 00:36:17,015 --> 00:36:18,394 had to be 966 00:36:18,934 --> 00:36:20,155 in my way 967 00:36:20,535 --> 00:36:22,075 to getting back home. 968 00:36:23,039 --> 00:36:24,340 So I knew 969 00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,539 that I may have to see the graduating 970 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:29,760 class, but maybe if I wait a couple 971 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:30,260 hours, 972 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:32,320 I don't need to see them. So I 973 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:34,099 waited a couple hours deliberately 974 00:36:34,485 --> 00:36:36,005 to make sure that I don't see the 975 00:36:36,005 --> 00:36:38,505 graduating class because it was still too painful 976 00:36:39,285 --> 00:36:39,945 to visually 977 00:36:40,644 --> 00:36:41,144 encounter 978 00:36:42,085 --> 00:36:43,625 the loss of my dream. 979 00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:46,505 So I was in this grieving period, 980 00:36:47,204 --> 00:36:47,945 back then. 981 00:36:48,869 --> 00:36:50,969 As I head out from the building, 982 00:36:51,349 --> 00:36:52,089 the universe 983 00:36:52,549 --> 00:36:54,889 drops me in that moment where I 984 00:36:55,349 --> 00:36:56,170 see the 985 00:36:56,469 --> 00:36:58,150 class of 2025 986 00:36:58,150 --> 00:37:00,250 walking towards the park. So 987 00:37:00,710 --> 00:37:02,569 my two hours of waiting 988 00:37:03,174 --> 00:37:05,434 just happened to be the waiting of 989 00:37:06,614 --> 00:37:08,234 walking with the class. 990 00:37:08,534 --> 00:37:10,534 So I had to go home because I 991 00:37:10,534 --> 00:37:11,994 was already, you know, crying. 992 00:37:12,614 --> 00:37:15,255 I had no choice but to walk with 993 00:37:15,255 --> 00:37:15,994 the graduating 994 00:37:16,295 --> 00:37:19,039 class with the fancy gowns that they have 995 00:37:19,039 --> 00:37:20,739 for the medical school. 996 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:21,780 By 997 00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:25,059 the time we've reached the park, there were 998 00:37:25,199 --> 00:37:25,699 clapping, 999 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,140 like it sounds. Everyone's, you know, cheering, 1000 00:37:29,555 --> 00:37:31,335 clapping for their friend, 1001 00:37:31,715 --> 00:37:34,515 their daughter, you know, all the family friends 1002 00:37:34,515 --> 00:37:35,255 there. And 1003 00:37:35,635 --> 00:37:36,135 I 1004 00:37:36,835 --> 00:37:38,055 immediately thought 1005 00:37:38,515 --> 00:37:41,075 that's not for me because I don't deserve 1006 00:37:41,075 --> 00:37:41,575 that. 1007 00:37:41,949 --> 00:37:42,929 But what's funny 1008 00:37:43,309 --> 00:37:46,110 is that my spiritual self immediately comes in 1009 00:37:46,110 --> 00:37:47,809 and tells me, you know what? 1010 00:37:48,190 --> 00:37:51,630 You also deserve all that claps. You also 1011 00:37:51,630 --> 00:37:54,910 deserve all of that encouragement because you've also 1012 00:37:54,910 --> 00:37:56,050 come so far. 1013 00:37:56,565 --> 00:37:58,984 It's also your time to graduate 1014 00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:00,984 this chapter of your life. 1015 00:38:01,684 --> 00:38:04,724 And I was purely happy to be in 1016 00:38:04,724 --> 00:38:05,464 that moment 1017 00:38:06,244 --> 00:38:07,784 immediately as my 1018 00:38:08,085 --> 00:38:08,585 perception 1019 00:38:08,885 --> 00:38:09,385 changed. 1020 00:38:10,230 --> 00:38:11,989 I couldn't go into the park because I 1021 00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:14,150 I wasn't graduating, but I as I walked 1022 00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:17,369 around the park, I was telling myself, like, 1023 00:38:17,510 --> 00:38:19,670 great job. Like, yes, I can do this. 1024 00:38:19,670 --> 00:38:21,829 Yes. Like, I've earned this. Thank you. Thank 1025 00:38:21,829 --> 00:38:24,329 you. And when I went home, 1026 00:38:25,025 --> 00:38:25,525 I 1027 00:38:26,065 --> 00:38:30,065 just collapsed, and I cried and cried and 1028 00:38:30,065 --> 00:38:30,565 cried, 1029 00:38:31,265 --> 00:38:33,925 but this time, I knew that my tears 1030 00:38:33,985 --> 00:38:34,965 were not 1031 00:38:35,344 --> 00:38:35,844 sad. 1032 00:38:36,465 --> 00:38:39,250 I wasn't crying because I was sad. Yes. 1033 00:38:39,250 --> 00:38:41,590 I was grieving and I was sad, 1034 00:38:41,890 --> 00:38:43,510 but there was this tingling 1035 00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:45,349 sense of 1036 00:38:45,890 --> 00:38:46,390 thrill, 1037 00:38:47,329 --> 00:38:50,369 I wanna say, in me that I knew 1038 00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:52,950 that, oh my gosh. This is the last 1039 00:38:53,214 --> 00:38:54,914 step of my mission 1040 00:38:55,295 --> 00:38:57,775 that I just have to overcome. And as 1041 00:38:57,775 --> 00:39:00,494 I overcome this, I'm gonna be a new 1042 00:39:00,494 --> 00:39:02,194 me. This is a new 1043 00:39:02,734 --> 00:39:06,034 chapter that I'm about to embark on. 1044 00:39:06,890 --> 00:39:09,849 And I'm just crying and I'm so excited, 1045 00:39:09,849 --> 00:39:12,750 but I'm also sad and all these emotions 1046 00:39:12,890 --> 00:39:13,710 come in 1047 00:39:14,170 --> 00:39:16,110 and it was so 1048 00:39:16,730 --> 00:39:17,230 interesting. 1049 00:39:18,329 --> 00:39:19,710 That was when I knew 1050 00:39:20,164 --> 00:39:22,184 this is a right road here. 1051 00:39:22,724 --> 00:39:24,984 This is the tears that I'm cleansing 1052 00:39:26,085 --> 00:39:27,784 in order for me to 1053 00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:30,965 direct myself to the right road that I 1054 00:39:30,965 --> 00:39:31,465 claim. 1055 00:39:32,199 --> 00:39:34,760 And do you have any sense of what 1056 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,099 that right road looks like in this moment? 1057 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:37,660 Any 1058 00:39:38,199 --> 00:39:39,739 any plans? Or 1059 00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:41,019 I do, 1060 00:39:42,119 --> 00:39:42,619 but 1061 00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:45,500 I'm going to keep it to myself 1062 00:39:47,795 --> 00:39:50,855 because it is not the MD route, and 1063 00:39:51,315 --> 00:39:51,974 I am 1064 00:39:52,275 --> 00:39:53,174 going to 1065 00:39:53,954 --> 00:39:56,534 give myself time and space 1066 00:39:56,914 --> 00:39:57,414 and 1067 00:39:57,954 --> 00:40:01,414 patience and love to dwell on this 1068 00:40:01,714 --> 00:40:02,454 new step. 1069 00:40:03,099 --> 00:40:06,460 Wow. Anna, thank you for sharing that anecdote 1070 00:40:06,460 --> 00:40:08,239 about the park. What a metaphor 1071 00:40:08,859 --> 00:40:09,679 and symbolic. 1072 00:40:10,780 --> 00:40:13,359 The universe sort of speaking to you. Right? 1073 00:40:13,659 --> 00:40:14,719 I think so. 1074 00:40:15,444 --> 00:40:17,605 Thank you for sharing your whole story. I 1075 00:40:17,605 --> 00:40:19,304 really appreciate you being here. 1076 00:40:19,605 --> 00:40:22,164 Of course. I think at the end of 1077 00:40:22,164 --> 00:40:25,944 the day, it's all about connecting with everyone 1078 00:40:26,005 --> 00:40:27,065 else out there. 1079 00:40:27,769 --> 00:40:29,389 And I hope my 1080 00:40:29,929 --> 00:40:31,550 stories that I share 1081 00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:34,269 that I was able to find through connecting 1082 00:40:34,329 --> 00:40:34,829 myself 1083 00:40:35,609 --> 00:40:36,909 resonates with those 1084 00:40:37,369 --> 00:40:38,909 listening to this podcast 1085 00:40:39,635 --> 00:40:41,714 and that they are also able to connect 1086 00:40:41,714 --> 00:40:42,454 with themselves 1087 00:40:43,074 --> 00:40:44,534 through these fun stories. 1088 00:40:45,474 --> 00:40:47,494 Anna, thank you. Of course. 1089 00:40:56,410 --> 00:40:58,570 Thank you for listening to our podcast. My 1090 00:40:58,570 --> 00:41:00,890 name is Liza Ingrassi. I'm the CEO and 1091 00:41:00,890 --> 00:41:02,989 president of Hoffman Institute Foundation. 1092 00:41:03,449 --> 00:41:04,829 And I'm Razi Ingrassi, 1093 00:41:05,369 --> 00:41:08,429 Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute 1094 00:41:08,489 --> 00:41:08,989 Foundation. 1095 00:41:09,574 --> 00:41:12,474 Our mission is to provide people greater access 1096 00:41:12,534 --> 00:41:14,934 to the wisdom and power of love. In 1097 00:41:14,934 --> 00:41:17,434 themselves, in each other and in the world. 1098 00:41:17,734 --> 00:41:21,434 To find out more, please go to hoffmaninstitute.org.