1 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:04,160 That's the goal. The goal is freedom. The 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:05,700 goal is your own happiness. 3 00:00:06,319 --> 00:00:09,139 The goal is joy. And it's hard 4 00:00:09,439 --> 00:00:09,939 to 5 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,179 have as much joy 6 00:00:12,559 --> 00:00:13,380 and lightness 7 00:00:14,184 --> 00:00:17,004 as you can if you're holding on to 8 00:00:17,464 --> 00:00:17,964 old 9 00:00:18,425 --> 00:00:18,925 resentments. 10 00:00:21,144 --> 00:00:24,184 Hello, and welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a 11 00:00:24,184 --> 00:00:26,844 podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. 12 00:00:27,059 --> 00:00:28,980 My name is Sadie Hanna. And in this 13 00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:32,739 podcast, you'll hear real conversations and stories with 14 00:00:32,739 --> 00:00:33,239 graduates 15 00:00:33,539 --> 00:00:36,340 about their courageous journey inward, and how their 16 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,899 love and light are living in the world 17 00:00:38,899 --> 00:00:41,320 around them. Love's Everyday Radius. 18 00:00:41,745 --> 00:00:43,284 Thank you for being here and welcome. 19 00:00:52,225 --> 00:00:54,005 Hello, everyone, and welcome. 20 00:00:54,479 --> 00:00:57,359 I'm Sadie, and I'm here with Simbi Hall. 21 00:00:57,359 --> 00:00:59,759 Simbi, thank you so much for joining us 22 00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:00,259 today. 23 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,100 Thank you for having me. 24 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:05,119 Yeah. So let's dive right in. Tell us 25 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:07,920 a bit about who you are, whether that's 26 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,060 personally, professionally. 27 00:01:10,155 --> 00:01:12,395 So I will share that I'm Hoffman grad, 28 00:01:12,395 --> 00:01:12,895 obviously, 29 00:01:13,594 --> 00:01:16,765 and I did the process in November 30 00:01:16,765 --> 00:01:17,775 2022. 31 00:01:18,075 --> 00:01:18,575 And 32 00:01:19,515 --> 00:01:20,255 it was 33 00:01:21,034 --> 00:01:22,895 a hundred percent one of the best things 34 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,879 I've ever done. It's the kind of thing 35 00:01:24,879 --> 00:01:26,900 that I wish I could give to everybody 36 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:27,859 on the planet. 37 00:01:28,799 --> 00:01:30,020 Professionally, I'm 38 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,620 a screenwriter, 39 00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,380 director, and a producer, 40 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,640 but, you know, but it impacts everything in 41 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,159 your life, you know, once you do the 42 00:01:38,159 --> 00:01:38,659 process. 43 00:01:39,894 --> 00:01:42,795 So, Simbi, before we began 44 00:01:43,094 --> 00:01:46,155 recording, you were sharing a really touching moment 45 00:01:48,135 --> 00:01:50,534 of sitting in front of your father who 46 00:01:50,534 --> 00:01:52,715 has not changed, and he 47 00:01:53,340 --> 00:01:56,299 did not hold the same charge for you. 48 00:01:56,299 --> 00:01:58,540 What experience you had inside of you is 49 00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:00,239 different. Let's begin 50 00:02:00,619 --> 00:02:01,119 there. 51 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,659 Maybe we start at the end of the 52 00:02:03,659 --> 00:02:04,159 story 53 00:02:04,619 --> 00:02:05,599 and go backward. 54 00:02:06,674 --> 00:02:07,495 One of 55 00:02:08,275 --> 00:02:09,014 the major 56 00:02:10,275 --> 00:02:11,474 I don't even know if the word is 57 00:02:11,474 --> 00:02:11,974 result 58 00:02:12,514 --> 00:02:15,235 of doing the Hoffman processors. One of the 59 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,634 things that I've been working on was the 60 00:02:17,634 --> 00:02:20,060 relationship with my father. I have had a 61 00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:20,560 very 62 00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:21,680 complicated 63 00:02:22,379 --> 00:02:22,879 relationship 64 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:24,400 with my father 65 00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:25,680 mostly because 66 00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:27,199 I wasn't 67 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,740 raised with him and I felt, you know, 68 00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:32,764 very abandoned by him, You know, known him, 69 00:02:33,064 --> 00:02:34,984 but I could pretty much count on my 70 00:02:34,984 --> 00:02:37,564 hands how many times I've actually seen him. 71 00:02:37,944 --> 00:02:40,104 And so I have resentment around that because 72 00:02:40,104 --> 00:02:43,004 I also have a lot of half siblings, 73 00:02:43,064 --> 00:02:44,204 you know, on his side 74 00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:45,139 that 75 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,019 have had very different relationship with him. 76 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,620 Not easier or better, but different and present. 77 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,579 And I feel that up until, 78 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,560 you know, recently, you know, you idealize what 79 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,094 you don't have. You know? That's something I've 80 00:03:01,094 --> 00:03:03,175 discovered that I do, that I think, oh, 81 00:03:03,175 --> 00:03:04,854 it's this way. If you had a father, 82 00:03:04,854 --> 00:03:06,935 it would be like this. If only if 83 00:03:06,935 --> 00:03:08,794 only that. And because I didn't, 84 00:03:09,175 --> 00:03:12,389 then x y z are true. And it's 85 00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:15,689 really been the homework of my life because 86 00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:16,810 I 87 00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:17,770 started 88 00:03:18,629 --> 00:03:19,370 in the 89 00:03:19,669 --> 00:03:21,830 the self awareness journey or the, like, really 90 00:03:21,830 --> 00:03:23,509 trying to fix things is really what I 91 00:03:23,509 --> 00:03:25,669 was doing. Trying to fix things from when 92 00:03:25,669 --> 00:03:27,289 I was a a small child. 93 00:03:27,724 --> 00:03:30,525 I had my own subscription to Psychology Today 94 00:03:30,525 --> 00:03:33,085 from when I was seven. And always coming 95 00:03:33,085 --> 00:03:35,645 from my head and always trying to analyze 96 00:03:35,645 --> 00:03:38,605 and figure things out. And so to cut 97 00:03:38,605 --> 00:03:40,685 to what happened this past Father's Day, and 98 00:03:40,685 --> 00:03:43,379 my birthday is always around Father's Day. So 99 00:03:43,379 --> 00:03:44,120 my birthday 100 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:46,280 has always been a bit of a trigger 101 00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:49,139 because it's the duality of, like, yay, it's 102 00:03:49,139 --> 00:03:51,000 my birthday, and I don't have a father. 103 00:03:51,139 --> 00:03:52,840 It was always a pair. 104 00:03:53,219 --> 00:03:55,800 One of my brothers, his daughter was graduating 105 00:03:55,939 --> 00:03:57,479 from Stanford, and so 106 00:03:57,885 --> 00:03:59,344 he was FaceTiming 107 00:03:59,885 --> 00:04:01,645 the whole family. So I was calling it, 108 00:04:01,645 --> 00:04:04,205 like, Nigerians around the world because people just 109 00:04:04,205 --> 00:04:06,605 kept popping up from all over the place 110 00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:08,944 to, you know, be present for this incredible 111 00:04:09,405 --> 00:04:09,905 graduation. 112 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,305 My father was on the FaceTime, 113 00:04:12,879 --> 00:04:15,060 and it was the first time, Sadie, 114 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:16,500 that I 115 00:04:17,439 --> 00:04:19,860 talked to him or looked at him, and 116 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:20,980 there was no 117 00:04:21,519 --> 00:04:22,019 resentment. 118 00:04:23,519 --> 00:04:24,500 There was no 119 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,854 and or but, however, 120 00:04:28,314 --> 00:04:29,055 you didn't. 121 00:04:30,074 --> 00:04:32,714 It was just, oh, I love him. You 122 00:04:32,714 --> 00:04:34,314 know, what I was saying to you before 123 00:04:34,314 --> 00:04:36,014 is that he hasn't changed. 124 00:04:36,555 --> 00:04:38,495 He is a 100% 125 00:04:39,599 --> 00:04:41,219 a Nigerian narcissist. 126 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,000 You know? So it isn't like, oh, there's 127 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,379 been some big transformation. 128 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,159 The transformation was me, was just in what 129 00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:50,899 I was 130 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:51,779 somehow 131 00:04:52,724 --> 00:04:53,464 able to 132 00:04:53,844 --> 00:04:56,664 just let go of. I started crying. 133 00:04:57,044 --> 00:04:59,064 It sounds like it took you by surprise. 134 00:04:59,524 --> 00:05:02,324 Yeah. It did. I wasn't expecting to get 135 00:05:02,324 --> 00:05:04,164 the FaceTime, so it wasn't like I'd done 136 00:05:04,164 --> 00:05:05,464 any big preparation 137 00:05:06,324 --> 00:05:06,985 for it. 138 00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:09,500 So that was by surprise. And I wasn't 139 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,600 expecting that emotion, and I wasn't 140 00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:14,800 doing any, like, quote unquote work before 141 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:16,480 to prepare for anything. 142 00:05:16,860 --> 00:05:18,939 It just happened, and I recognized it, and 143 00:05:18,939 --> 00:05:22,694 I felt it more than intellectually recognized it 144 00:05:22,694 --> 00:05:23,995 because I was just 145 00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:25,915 crying, and then I felt 146 00:05:26,375 --> 00:05:26,875 lighter 147 00:05:27,415 --> 00:05:28,314 and joyful. 148 00:05:28,854 --> 00:05:30,875 And then what was really wild, 149 00:05:31,574 --> 00:05:34,074 he ended up talking to my mom 150 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,714 a couple times. Like, I think they talked 151 00:05:36,990 --> 00:05:38,750 the next day and then a a few 152 00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:39,250 times 153 00:05:39,709 --> 00:05:40,529 that week. 154 00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:42,930 She didn't have any resentment. 155 00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:46,189 I love what you've shared this moment of 156 00:05:46,189 --> 00:05:49,069 realizing there is no resentment. But what is 157 00:05:49,069 --> 00:05:50,370 there? Tears. 158 00:05:51,069 --> 00:05:51,569 Yeah. 159 00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:52,764 Lightness. 160 00:05:53,225 --> 00:05:53,725 Yeah. 161 00:05:54,185 --> 00:05:54,685 Joy. 162 00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:58,425 And the fact that you were surprised by 163 00:05:58,425 --> 00:05:58,925 it, 164 00:06:00,585 --> 00:06:02,205 it speaks to a spontaneity 165 00:06:02,745 --> 00:06:05,004 of that as this sort of spontaneous 166 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,639 fill in the blank. What is it? This 167 00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:09,139 spontaneous 168 00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:13,779 Just awareness of love. Like, he loves me. 169 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,319 And that and it makes me wanna cry 170 00:06:16,319 --> 00:06:17,930 because I ain't gonna cry because 171 00:06:19,595 --> 00:06:21,354 and I don't, like, I don't have, like 172 00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:23,774 it's it's not like some perfect experience, 173 00:06:25,194 --> 00:06:27,294 but this feeling that 174 00:06:28,634 --> 00:06:30,254 people can love you 175 00:06:30,954 --> 00:06:32,574 and it not necessarily 176 00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:34,095 look the way 177 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:35,520 you 178 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,439 think it ought to look, 179 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,920 and that evolves, 180 00:06:40,779 --> 00:06:42,080 and that people have 181 00:06:42,459 --> 00:06:45,500 various capacities. We all do. I'm not coming 182 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:47,520 at this like I'm perfect and your capacity 183 00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:49,020 is less than mine. I don't mean it 184 00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:51,944 like that. But I mean, nobody 185 00:06:52,805 --> 00:06:53,625 can perfectly 186 00:06:54,245 --> 00:06:54,745 meet 187 00:06:55,285 --> 00:06:57,944 all of your needs as you're having them. 188 00:06:58,564 --> 00:07:00,904 And I think that often with our parents, 189 00:07:01,764 --> 00:07:04,425 we expect that even once we're adults. 190 00:07:05,579 --> 00:07:07,579 What I feel like maybe I did was 191 00:07:07,579 --> 00:07:09,199 I held on to 192 00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:11,279 you owe me 193 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:15,040 from then because you didn't do anything, 194 00:07:15,419 --> 00:07:17,199 and you could have, in my opinion. 195 00:07:18,555 --> 00:07:21,194 And now it's like, that's the resentment. It's 196 00:07:21,194 --> 00:07:21,935 like holding 197 00:07:22,394 --> 00:07:24,955 all the old stuff of what hadn't been 198 00:07:24,955 --> 00:07:25,455 done, 199 00:07:26,795 --> 00:07:28,415 and then you're just constantly 200 00:07:28,875 --> 00:07:30,175 piling it on 201 00:07:31,180 --> 00:07:33,579 because there's no way really to make up 202 00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:34,319 for that. 203 00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:37,680 And so then you're the one carrying it. 204 00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,899 And one of the really incredible things that 205 00:07:41,899 --> 00:07:42,399 happened 206 00:07:42,939 --> 00:07:45,279 during the process that I sort of realized 207 00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:46,480 after 208 00:07:47,014 --> 00:07:48,235 one of the exercises 209 00:07:49,095 --> 00:07:49,995 that we did, 210 00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:51,194 I remember 211 00:07:51,975 --> 00:07:54,855 writing out this whole story of, like, why 212 00:07:54,855 --> 00:07:57,095 could it have been this way? Why could 213 00:07:57,095 --> 00:07:58,935 it have been this way? And it's just 214 00:07:58,935 --> 00:07:59,435 you 215 00:07:59,895 --> 00:08:00,395 journaling 216 00:08:00,889 --> 00:08:03,209 what you might wanna say or what might 217 00:08:03,209 --> 00:08:05,550 have happened in their life. We don't know. 218 00:08:06,009 --> 00:08:06,750 And then 219 00:08:07,209 --> 00:08:08,269 finding out 220 00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:09,550 later 221 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:10,990 that 222 00:08:11,610 --> 00:08:14,110 a lot of what I'd actually journaled about 223 00:08:14,455 --> 00:08:16,855 was very close to how it was, like, 224 00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:18,694 emotionally. Like, it just made me feel like, 225 00:08:18,694 --> 00:08:21,495 oh, there's, like, this reservoir of knowledge if 226 00:08:21,495 --> 00:08:23,035 we get curious about 227 00:08:23,975 --> 00:08:24,634 a situation 228 00:08:25,814 --> 00:08:26,795 rather than 229 00:08:27,495 --> 00:08:27,995 just 230 00:08:28,839 --> 00:08:29,339 reacting 231 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,379 and responding based on our own 232 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:33,340 space 233 00:08:33,879 --> 00:08:35,340 and projecting out. 234 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,919 And then thinking, like, somebody should behave this 235 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,399 way or that way, and if they don't, 236 00:08:41,399 --> 00:08:42,220 it necessarily 237 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,164 means they don't love me. They don't care. 238 00:08:45,705 --> 00:08:48,585 They're whatever they are. And then responding from 239 00:08:48,585 --> 00:08:51,325 your assumed idea, it's it's transference. 240 00:08:52,105 --> 00:08:53,085 You're describing 241 00:08:53,945 --> 00:08:54,845 a perspective, 242 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,559 a way of understanding 243 00:08:58,339 --> 00:08:59,959 your own unmet need 244 00:09:00,259 --> 00:09:01,720 around his presence 245 00:09:02,820 --> 00:09:05,459 that has evolved since you first took the 246 00:09:05,459 --> 00:09:05,959 process. 247 00:09:06,419 --> 00:09:07,879 And I've heard you say 248 00:09:08,294 --> 00:09:11,014 no one can meet every need as it's 249 00:09:11,014 --> 00:09:11,514 arising 250 00:09:12,294 --> 00:09:13,115 real time, 251 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,794 and that doesn't mean he didn't or doesn't 252 00:09:17,254 --> 00:09:17,995 love me. 253 00:09:18,695 --> 00:09:21,190 How did you come to that? How did 254 00:09:21,190 --> 00:09:23,610 you get there? Because that's an incredible 255 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:24,970 ending. 256 00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:27,910 How did you even know that you needed 257 00:09:27,910 --> 00:09:28,889 to do the work? 258 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:30,570 I 259 00:09:31,429 --> 00:09:33,509 have always known I needed to do the 260 00:09:33,509 --> 00:09:34,009 work. 261 00:09:34,654 --> 00:09:36,495 I had a good childhood. It wasn't like 262 00:09:36,495 --> 00:09:37,634 I was in some 263 00:09:38,174 --> 00:09:39,955 trauma laden dynamic 264 00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:41,315 all the time. 265 00:09:41,695 --> 00:09:44,654 But even as a child, your parents can't 266 00:09:44,654 --> 00:09:47,134 possibly meet every need you have as it 267 00:09:47,134 --> 00:09:48,434 arises. They don't 268 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,399 know it. They don't recognize it. They don't 269 00:09:50,399 --> 00:09:51,759 have the skills, whatever. It doesn't mean they're 270 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,699 bad parents. They're just human beings. 271 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:56,720 I feel like I've always been doing the 272 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,039 work, and because my family didn't look like 273 00:09:59,039 --> 00:09:59,939 other families, 274 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:02,319 then as a kid, I was like, well, 275 00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:04,695 what's going on? Why is this one different? 276 00:10:04,695 --> 00:10:07,414 So I was raised by my mom and 277 00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:09,195 my nana, who was 278 00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:11,914 technically my step great grandmother. 279 00:10:12,455 --> 00:10:15,335 So she wasn't biological, but that obviously didn't 280 00:10:15,335 --> 00:10:17,095 matter. She was my nana. She was so 281 00:10:17,095 --> 00:10:18,934 those were my parents, and I had a 282 00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:20,829 dog who helped in raising me. 283 00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:23,850 And so, you know, this was a funny 284 00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:25,769 family, as as one of my cousins said 285 00:10:25,769 --> 00:10:27,850 to me as a kid. But as an 286 00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:30,570 adult, the work continued, so I was on 287 00:10:30,570 --> 00:10:33,070 my own quest. Then I went to therapy, 288 00:10:33,684 --> 00:10:36,165 and then I've been a practicing Buddhist the 289 00:10:36,165 --> 00:10:38,404 majority of my life and I feel like 290 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,665 that daily work of self reflection, 291 00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:43,205 chanting Nam myoho renge kyo to bring out 292 00:10:43,205 --> 00:10:46,370 your highest potential and everyone around you to 293 00:10:46,370 --> 00:10:48,709 be sort of acting from 294 00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,490 what we call in Buddhism, our Buddha nature, 295 00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:53,809 what we call in Hoffman, our higher nature, 296 00:10:53,809 --> 00:10:56,209 our lightened self. That should be the team 297 00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:58,389 leader. When we do the quad checks, 298 00:10:58,944 --> 00:11:01,444 when you have that part of yourself, 299 00:11:02,144 --> 00:11:02,644 really 300 00:11:03,024 --> 00:11:03,524 acknowledge 301 00:11:04,065 --> 00:11:04,884 the other 302 00:11:05,184 --> 00:11:05,684 parts 303 00:11:06,144 --> 00:11:08,144 and kind of take them on like a 304 00:11:08,144 --> 00:11:10,065 divine mother in a way more than a 305 00:11:10,065 --> 00:11:11,444 human mother can do. 306 00:11:11,889 --> 00:11:15,169 And say, okay, emotional self, I hear you. 307 00:11:15,169 --> 00:11:17,329 Okay, body, I hear you. Okay, intellect, I 308 00:11:17,329 --> 00:11:19,970 hear you. Here's how we're gonna do this 309 00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:20,470 day. 310 00:11:21,009 --> 00:11:23,809 And so I think from being consistent and 311 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:24,309 doing 312 00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:27,445 all of that work, then things get to 313 00:11:28,225 --> 00:11:30,884 evolve, and it doesn't have to be 314 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:32,325 hard. 315 00:11:32,705 --> 00:11:34,785 Because I think also when people hear the 316 00:11:34,785 --> 00:11:35,684 word work, 317 00:11:36,225 --> 00:11:37,605 it sounds like, 318 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:43,110 like, deep effort, and you're working through, you're 319 00:11:43,110 --> 00:11:45,509 fighting through something. And I'm not saying there's 320 00:11:45,509 --> 00:11:47,350 not that part of it too, but I 321 00:11:47,350 --> 00:11:49,529 think when you sort of laid a foundation, 322 00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:53,615 then you have the tools to meet whatever 323 00:11:53,674 --> 00:11:56,634 situation comes your way. And then you can 324 00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,095 if you're self reflecting, 325 00:11:58,955 --> 00:12:01,615 you're able to see how you're meeting it 326 00:12:02,235 --> 00:12:04,554 now versus how you might have met it 327 00:12:04,554 --> 00:12:06,174 ten years ago or more. 328 00:12:06,820 --> 00:12:09,000 You're describing having a foundation 329 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:11,720 that sounds deeply spiritual 330 00:12:13,059 --> 00:12:15,799 and finding a through line with 331 00:12:16,339 --> 00:12:19,139 what we call at the Hoffman process, your 332 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,279 spiritual self 333 00:12:20,825 --> 00:12:22,764 or the light that's within you, 334 00:12:23,144 --> 00:12:25,784 and that being the foundation for growth to 335 00:12:25,784 --> 00:12:28,365 evolve as opposed to something you force. 336 00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:30,205 This foundation 337 00:12:30,904 --> 00:12:33,485 and this knowledge that you 338 00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:36,850 wanted to fix something. You spoke about getting 339 00:12:36,850 --> 00:12:39,490 psychology today when you were seven. So something 340 00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:40,789 within you saying, 341 00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:42,389 we need 342 00:12:43,169 --> 00:12:46,370 to address this. You also spoke about your 343 00:12:46,370 --> 00:12:48,230 awareness of what was missing 344 00:12:49,105 --> 00:12:50,725 in feeling abandoned by 345 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,424 your father and how you were in some 346 00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:56,304 ways looking for that throughout your life. If 347 00:12:56,304 --> 00:12:56,804 only 348 00:12:57,345 --> 00:12:58,565 this then 349 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,345 that. Can you give us one example of 350 00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:03,059 how you saw that playing out for you 351 00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:04,679 before you came to the process? 352 00:13:05,459 --> 00:13:08,419 The body can become the battleground between the 353 00:13:08,419 --> 00:13:11,000 intellect and the emotion. So for me, 354 00:13:11,459 --> 00:13:12,440 one of the 355 00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:13,320 largest 356 00:13:14,384 --> 00:13:17,345 battleground moments in belief systems about, because I 357 00:13:17,345 --> 00:13:19,024 don't have a father, here's this thing that's 358 00:13:19,024 --> 00:13:21,425 happening, or because of him, here's this thing 359 00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:24,325 that's happening. So I had a kidney problem 360 00:13:24,384 --> 00:13:26,004 growing up. It wasn't 361 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,240 discovered. I actually discovered it in junior high 362 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:29,740 school 363 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,980 because I was in an advanced 364 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,019 science program where we got these case histories 365 00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:37,560 that we got to study, and then we 366 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,225 were able to go to the medical school 367 00:13:40,225 --> 00:13:43,264 nearby and see the med students working on 368 00:13:43,264 --> 00:13:45,664 these cadavers of the case studies that we 369 00:13:45,664 --> 00:13:46,565 had been studying. 370 00:13:48,065 --> 00:13:51,790 So as divine intervention would have it, one 371 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,090 of them that I had 372 00:13:53,629 --> 00:13:55,710 was this woman who had passed away. She's 373 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,250 like 80 some year old lady, 374 00:13:57,629 --> 00:14:00,529 and she had some symptoms in her history 375 00:14:00,910 --> 00:14:02,910 that were like mine. And I remember sitting 376 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,670 on my mom's bed doing my homework, and 377 00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:06,434 I was like, this is what I have. 378 00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:08,595 And it was a simple enough thing that 379 00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:10,674 the tube from the kidney to the bladder 380 00:14:10,674 --> 00:14:12,914 was too small. The ureter was too small, 381 00:14:12,914 --> 00:14:14,355 and it was backing up and killing the 382 00:14:14,355 --> 00:14:16,754 kidney. A simple blue dye test would have 383 00:14:16,754 --> 00:14:19,495 shown this. Because I had that case study, 384 00:14:19,670 --> 00:14:21,830 now my mom could say she has this 385 00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:23,430 and, like, go and force them to do 386 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,509 the blue dye test. And in fact, that's 387 00:14:25,509 --> 00:14:27,450 exactly what it was. And so then 388 00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:28,330 from 389 00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:31,990 '14 to '21, I had a kidney surgery 390 00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:34,009 or some kind of surgery almost every year 391 00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:35,794 to fix it, and they ended up taking 392 00:14:35,794 --> 00:14:37,174 it out. So 393 00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:39,174 this is, you know, inherited 394 00:14:40,194 --> 00:14:40,694 from 395 00:14:40,995 --> 00:14:43,475 my father's side. Somebody else in the family 396 00:14:43,475 --> 00:14:45,574 that we found out later had that. 397 00:14:46,034 --> 00:14:48,454 In my mind, even before we knew 398 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:49,429 that, 399 00:14:50,210 --> 00:14:51,269 in my mind, 400 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,730 I felt like this is about my father. 401 00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:58,549 This is about not having a father. And 402 00:14:58,850 --> 00:15:01,110 if I just had the family history, 403 00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:02,549 in theory, 404 00:15:03,125 --> 00:15:04,485 you go to a doctor and you say, 405 00:15:04,485 --> 00:15:05,865 there's this family history. 406 00:15:06,245 --> 00:15:08,504 Can you please check this, this, and this? 407 00:15:08,725 --> 00:15:10,004 And they do it and you find it, 408 00:15:10,004 --> 00:15:11,764 and maybe it could have been fixed when 409 00:15:11,764 --> 00:15:13,524 I was a child. I have a friend 410 00:15:13,524 --> 00:15:15,445 whose daughter had something similar, and they were 411 00:15:15,445 --> 00:15:16,565 able to fix it as a kid, and 412 00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:17,945 so she has both her kidneys. 413 00:15:18,309 --> 00:15:19,370 I didn't have that. 414 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,910 And I'm fine. My left kidney does all 415 00:15:21,910 --> 00:15:23,990 the work, and so you can't even tell. 416 00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:25,190 I only have one, and we can live 417 00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:27,610 with three quarters of one. So it's fine. 418 00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:29,290 But for years, 419 00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:30,570 I was 420 00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:32,415 just 421 00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:34,894 so upset, 422 00:15:35,355 --> 00:15:37,615 and it felt like such a punishment. 423 00:15:38,235 --> 00:15:40,415 It's like I'm already being punished 424 00:15:40,795 --> 00:15:41,934 by not having 425 00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:43,855 a present father. 426 00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:45,029 And now 427 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:48,370 because of your effed up genes, this is 428 00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:50,370 how I thought about it. I've been through 429 00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:53,090 all this pain because by the tube being 430 00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:54,850 too small and backing up and killing the 431 00:15:54,850 --> 00:15:55,350 kidney, 432 00:15:55,649 --> 00:15:57,190 I was having consistent 433 00:15:57,570 --> 00:15:58,389 kidney infections. 434 00:15:59,475 --> 00:16:01,075 So I was in a tremendous amount of 435 00:16:01,075 --> 00:16:03,235 pain all the time, and it got to 436 00:16:03,235 --> 00:16:05,794 where I now still have a very high 437 00:16:05,794 --> 00:16:08,195 tolerance for pain because of that, which is 438 00:16:08,195 --> 00:16:10,514 good and not good because you can ignore 439 00:16:10,514 --> 00:16:13,459 things that you shouldn't. So as an example, 440 00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,039 when they were doing one of the kidney 441 00:16:15,039 --> 00:16:17,759 surgeries, I got a terrible infection and they 442 00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:18,879 had to put ice sheets on me. They 443 00:16:18,879 --> 00:16:20,159 actually thought I was gonna die or that 444 00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:22,320 I was gonna become septic. And my mother 445 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,975 called my father to tell him, and he 446 00:16:24,975 --> 00:16:26,815 said, by the grace of God, she'll be 447 00:16:26,815 --> 00:16:29,134 okay, and then didn't call back for three 448 00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:29,634 years. 449 00:16:31,455 --> 00:16:31,955 So 450 00:16:32,495 --> 00:16:33,715 that was 451 00:16:34,495 --> 00:16:34,995 hardcore 452 00:16:35,535 --> 00:16:36,035 proof 453 00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:38,050 that you don't care. 454 00:16:38,670 --> 00:16:40,830 You don't love me. I have nothing to 455 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:43,149 you. Like, who doesn't call back for three 456 00:16:43,149 --> 00:16:43,649 years? 457 00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:47,550 One of the things I realized during the 458 00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:48,050 process 459 00:16:49,470 --> 00:16:49,970 was, 460 00:16:50,745 --> 00:16:52,285 well, maybe he was scared. 461 00:16:53,465 --> 00:16:55,245 Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was ashamed. 462 00:16:55,304 --> 00:16:57,625 I don't know. But it doesn't have to 463 00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:58,125 mean 464 00:16:58,585 --> 00:16:59,725 that I'm unlovable. 465 00:17:00,504 --> 00:17:01,965 And I feel like that 466 00:17:02,745 --> 00:17:04,445 is one of the main takeaways 467 00:17:04,984 --> 00:17:05,724 is that 468 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,579 we're always telling ourselves stories, 469 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,619 and we're assigning meaning to things 470 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:13,140 to 471 00:17:13,839 --> 00:17:15,700 work with the story that we've 472 00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:17,539 married ourselves to. 473 00:17:18,575 --> 00:17:20,194 We have no idea 474 00:17:20,494 --> 00:17:22,595 really why anybody does anything. 475 00:17:23,535 --> 00:17:25,954 For me, it's like I thought, well, 476 00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:27,714 I don't have all the information. 477 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,174 I can talk about how somebody made me 478 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,154 feel. That's real and valid, of course. 479 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,880 But I don't have to assign a meeting 480 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:37,700 that means 481 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,339 I'm never gonna have what I want, 482 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,880 or nobody is ever going to love me, 483 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,299 or whatever. You don't have to make something 484 00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:48,000 mean more than it is. Those are the 485 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,565 facts of what happened. 486 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,005 Why they happen? 487 00:17:51,625 --> 00:17:52,444 I don't know. 488 00:17:52,744 --> 00:17:53,804 That's up for debate. 489 00:17:54,345 --> 00:17:54,845 But 490 00:17:56,265 --> 00:17:57,804 I now feel like 491 00:17:58,825 --> 00:18:00,765 the story I've been telling myself 492 00:18:01,470 --> 00:18:03,869 since that happened of, like, see, there's proof 493 00:18:03,869 --> 00:18:05,169 he doesn't love me 494 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:06,529 isn't true. 495 00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:09,890 Even if it were true, 496 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:11,089 that 497 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,529 doesn't mean that I'm unlovable. 498 00:18:15,605 --> 00:18:17,625 Regardless of what's true for him, 499 00:18:18,085 --> 00:18:18,904 you know 500 00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:20,265 what's true 501 00:18:20,644 --> 00:18:21,465 for you. 502 00:18:22,565 --> 00:18:25,384 Your relationship with him has not changed. 503 00:18:26,884 --> 00:18:28,664 Are you saying it's not required 504 00:18:28,965 --> 00:18:30,505 to in order for you 505 00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:32,210 to feel 506 00:18:32,829 --> 00:18:34,049 free or to heal? 507 00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:37,390 I've been through many, I wanna say, like, 508 00:18:37,390 --> 00:18:38,769 iterations of this relationship. 509 00:18:39,789 --> 00:18:42,849 The little girl, Simbi, just wanted a dad 510 00:18:43,869 --> 00:18:46,289 even though she never would have said that. 511 00:18:46,924 --> 00:18:47,424 Then 512 00:18:48,204 --> 00:18:48,944 there was 513 00:18:50,605 --> 00:18:51,424 the teenage 514 00:18:52,204 --> 00:18:52,704 simby 515 00:18:53,164 --> 00:18:55,565 who felt very divorced from her body because 516 00:18:55,565 --> 00:18:57,644 of all the stuff I just said. There's 517 00:18:57,644 --> 00:18:59,400 so much to impact in the teenage simby 518 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,440 of just feeling, in general, rejected by men, 519 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,820 but definitely starting from the father stuff. 520 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:06,779 Then 521 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,140 there was 522 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:09,259 the angry 523 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,200 part where I really and that's why I 524 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,200 went into therapy because I was really just 525 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,295 wanted to, like, physically hurt him because, again, 526 00:19:17,295 --> 00:19:19,234 I was blaming my 527 00:19:19,934 --> 00:19:22,335 physical pain from all the kidney stuff on 528 00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:23,535 him. And I'm like, I would like to 529 00:19:23,535 --> 00:19:24,734 give you a little bit of of a 530 00:19:24,734 --> 00:19:26,414 taste of this. So there was, like, the 531 00:19:26,414 --> 00:19:28,255 vengeful thing, and there's so many other stories 532 00:19:28,255 --> 00:19:28,914 of him 533 00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:32,660 physically closing doors in my life to access 534 00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:35,160 to him and just being just not available. 535 00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,140 And then, of course, there was also the 536 00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:38,839 part that wanted an apology, 537 00:19:39,619 --> 00:19:41,940 that wanted an acknowledgment and an apology, and 538 00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,480 that that would fix it. 539 00:19:44,085 --> 00:19:46,005 Not for me. I'm not saying for anybody 540 00:19:46,005 --> 00:19:47,065 else that 541 00:19:47,605 --> 00:19:49,865 that is not valid and required, 542 00:19:50,565 --> 00:19:52,585 but I didn't get it 543 00:19:53,605 --> 00:19:54,585 and realized 544 00:19:55,044 --> 00:19:55,544 that 545 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:56,585 I probably 546 00:19:56,884 --> 00:19:57,785 never will. 547 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,119 And now from where I'm sitting now with 548 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,220 the experience that I just shared earlier, 549 00:20:03,679 --> 00:20:06,179 I also feel like it doesn't matter. 550 00:20:07,279 --> 00:20:08,899 This is wonderful 551 00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:10,419 because 552 00:20:11,984 --> 00:20:14,484 I'm not waiting for somebody else 553 00:20:15,825 --> 00:20:17,605 to make me feel better. 554 00:20:18,144 --> 00:20:21,045 I love this image of the divine mother 555 00:20:21,105 --> 00:20:22,005 that you mentioned. 556 00:20:22,945 --> 00:20:24,964 You are such a strong 557 00:20:25,505 --> 00:20:26,005 woman. 558 00:20:26,789 --> 00:20:28,869 What have you come to know about that? 559 00:20:28,869 --> 00:20:31,049 Because there is also this positive legacy 560 00:20:31,509 --> 00:20:32,809 that our parents leave. 561 00:20:33,269 --> 00:20:34,090 That's right. 562 00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:36,250 That's right. 563 00:20:37,029 --> 00:20:38,970 About being a strong woman, 564 00:20:40,644 --> 00:20:41,785 I have mixed 565 00:20:42,164 --> 00:20:43,865 feelings about it because 566 00:20:44,565 --> 00:20:45,605 I feel like it's, 567 00:20:46,404 --> 00:20:48,184 kind of like a black woman 568 00:20:48,724 --> 00:20:50,184 trope and expectation 569 00:20:51,445 --> 00:20:52,984 to be a strong woman. 570 00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:56,399 Black women in general have a different 571 00:20:57,259 --> 00:20:58,880 level of weight to carry 572 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,319 in this society. 573 00:21:01,019 --> 00:21:01,519 So 574 00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:04,399 you build muscles when you do heavy lifting 575 00:21:05,019 --> 00:21:07,279 or you fall over, you know, and you're 576 00:21:07,339 --> 00:21:09,714 out, and I'm not about to be out. 577 00:21:09,714 --> 00:21:12,115 So you just have to be strong. And 578 00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:14,434 I even used to have resentment, and maybe 579 00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:15,654 I still do. I don't know. 580 00:21:16,035 --> 00:21:17,414 Resentment about that. 581 00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:20,355 What I am that I'm proud of is 582 00:21:20,355 --> 00:21:21,015 I'm resilient. 583 00:21:21,954 --> 00:21:23,095 I keep going. 584 00:21:23,890 --> 00:21:26,390 And so I'm resilient in all the ways, 585 00:21:26,849 --> 00:21:27,349 emotionally, 586 00:21:27,809 --> 00:21:28,950 physically, spiritually, 587 00:21:29,730 --> 00:21:30,230 intellectually. 588 00:21:30,529 --> 00:21:34,210 I'm always a, okay, and the store closes, 589 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,829 and what else are we gonna do? 590 00:21:36,855 --> 00:21:39,355 How do you see your strength 591 00:21:39,815 --> 00:21:41,994 showing up for you in this understanding 592 00:21:43,335 --> 00:21:45,674 of your father that you've recently come to? 593 00:21:45,974 --> 00:21:46,474 That, 594 00:21:46,775 --> 00:21:48,315 I was strong enough 595 00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:51,200 to keep moving forward. 596 00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:54,619 Even just taking the FaceTime I was telling 597 00:21:54,619 --> 00:21:55,359 you about, 598 00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:57,920 I could have not accepted it. 599 00:21:58,460 --> 00:22:01,099 I could just hide and be like, door 600 00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:03,339 closed. And I did that for years. I 601 00:22:03,339 --> 00:22:04,400 didn't talk to him. 602 00:22:04,994 --> 00:22:07,394 And that was part of this process where 603 00:22:07,394 --> 00:22:09,315 I really was at a place at that 604 00:22:09,315 --> 00:22:11,714 time where I felt like this isn't healthy 605 00:22:11,714 --> 00:22:13,654 for me. I'm not gonna engage in it. 606 00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:16,434 And I think that sometimes you have to 607 00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:17,575 do that in relationships. 608 00:22:18,355 --> 00:22:20,690 But the reason that I did that, 609 00:22:21,150 --> 00:22:22,690 it was for self protection 610 00:22:23,470 --> 00:22:26,529 because I was still believing the story of 611 00:22:26,829 --> 00:22:27,569 if you 612 00:22:28,029 --> 00:22:30,670 disappoint me, if you treat me a certain 613 00:22:30,670 --> 00:22:32,609 way, if you say a certain thing, 614 00:22:33,654 --> 00:22:34,315 I'm assigning 615 00:22:34,775 --> 00:22:37,174 the meaning still to myself of I'm not 616 00:22:37,174 --> 00:22:38,714 valuable, lovable, whatever. 617 00:22:39,015 --> 00:22:41,335 But if I remove that meaning, you can 618 00:22:41,335 --> 00:22:43,095 still choose to not have people in your 619 00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:44,634 life that aren't meeting 620 00:22:44,934 --> 00:22:47,015 how you wanna be treated, of course. And, 621 00:22:47,015 --> 00:22:48,154 yes, we should. 622 00:22:48,529 --> 00:22:50,929 But if somebody calls me stupid, that's not 623 00:22:50,929 --> 00:22:52,609 gonna hurt my feelings because I know I'm 624 00:22:52,609 --> 00:22:54,390 not stupid. But if somebody 625 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,390 abandons me, 626 00:22:57,569 --> 00:22:58,069 then 627 00:22:58,529 --> 00:23:00,549 because I had the belief system, 628 00:23:00,849 --> 00:23:03,105 that's just always what's gonna happen. That is 629 00:23:03,265 --> 00:23:05,365 painful because I believe that 630 00:23:05,664 --> 00:23:07,505 to be true, that I'm going to be 631 00:23:07,505 --> 00:23:10,224 left. You know, I believed that. So then 632 00:23:10,224 --> 00:23:12,144 when it shows up or it feels like 633 00:23:12,144 --> 00:23:13,444 it's gonna show up, 634 00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:14,565 that is 635 00:23:15,345 --> 00:23:15,845 hurtful. 636 00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:19,230 But I feel like what's happened with him 637 00:23:19,230 --> 00:23:20,450 is I've unplugged 638 00:23:21,470 --> 00:23:22,529 his actions 639 00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:24,769 from 640 00:23:25,230 --> 00:23:27,950 that belief system. Like, I'm not walking around 641 00:23:27,950 --> 00:23:29,250 believing that anymore. 642 00:23:29,815 --> 00:23:32,455 So then I'm free of that, and I 643 00:23:32,455 --> 00:23:33,275 can just 644 00:23:33,734 --> 00:23:34,234 be 645 00:23:34,535 --> 00:23:36,855 present in the moment that we're in rather 646 00:23:36,855 --> 00:23:38,474 than waiting for 647 00:23:39,174 --> 00:23:39,674 the 648 00:23:40,055 --> 00:23:40,555 abandonment 649 00:23:40,934 --> 00:23:42,955 to happen or the hurt to happen. 650 00:23:43,910 --> 00:23:45,289 I love what you've said. 651 00:23:45,669 --> 00:23:47,669 There can be some strength and anger. And 652 00:23:47,669 --> 00:23:49,829 we talk about this at the process. There 653 00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:51,929 is a strength in that. 654 00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:53,769 What you've just described 655 00:23:54,230 --> 00:23:57,269 beautifully though, is the strength to question your 656 00:23:57,269 --> 00:23:58,089 own narrative, 657 00:23:59,565 --> 00:24:01,105 the strength to ask 658 00:24:01,644 --> 00:24:03,024 what happened to him. 659 00:24:03,404 --> 00:24:04,784 Maybe he was scared. 660 00:24:05,325 --> 00:24:06,784 Maybe that's not true, 661 00:24:07,325 --> 00:24:10,524 but it sounds like you're enjoying the benefit 662 00:24:10,524 --> 00:24:11,264 of freedom 663 00:24:11,644 --> 00:24:12,464 of unplugging 664 00:24:12,845 --> 00:24:13,505 the connection. 665 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,019 Right. Because that's the 666 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,559 goal. The goal is freedom. The the goal 667 00:24:18,559 --> 00:24:19,859 is your own happiness. 668 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,259 The goal is joy, and it's hard to 669 00:24:25,039 --> 00:24:26,660 have as much joy 670 00:24:27,434 --> 00:24:28,174 and lightness 671 00:24:29,194 --> 00:24:31,674 as you can if you're holding on to 672 00:24:31,674 --> 00:24:32,174 old 673 00:24:33,514 --> 00:24:34,014 resentments. 674 00:24:35,115 --> 00:24:36,974 It's taking up too much space. 675 00:24:38,234 --> 00:24:40,474 And, again, it's not saying, like, just let 676 00:24:40,474 --> 00:24:42,654 people treat you however they want. No. 677 00:24:42,970 --> 00:24:44,570 You can still not have them in your 678 00:24:44,570 --> 00:24:46,590 life and not carry the resentment. 679 00:24:47,450 --> 00:24:49,850 Whatever you want, just drop the resentment some 680 00:24:49,850 --> 00:24:52,110 kind of way. Your description about 681 00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:55,289 writing what may have happened to your father 682 00:24:55,289 --> 00:24:57,414 and then finding out later that some of 683 00:24:57,414 --> 00:25:00,055 that was not far from the truth. How 684 00:25:00,055 --> 00:25:01,195 do you describe that? 685 00:25:02,055 --> 00:25:03,515 I feel like on 686 00:25:04,134 --> 00:25:05,835 a cellular level, 687 00:25:06,615 --> 00:25:07,674 we're all connected, 688 00:25:08,855 --> 00:25:10,615 especially if you're talking about, like, in your 689 00:25:10,615 --> 00:25:13,950 actual DNA lineage. We have epigenetics, so we 690 00:25:13,950 --> 00:25:17,009 have information that's passed on to us through 691 00:25:17,390 --> 00:25:18,210 our ancestors 692 00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:22,109 into ourselves, and they express themselves in various 693 00:25:22,109 --> 00:25:24,349 ways that we have no idea, even though 694 00:25:24,349 --> 00:25:25,410 they've done some studies. 695 00:25:25,744 --> 00:25:27,924 And then I feel like on a creative 696 00:25:27,984 --> 00:25:30,244 level, just as a writer in general, 697 00:25:30,545 --> 00:25:32,545 I feel like writing is a form of 698 00:25:32,545 --> 00:25:33,045 channeling. 699 00:25:33,664 --> 00:25:34,164 I 700 00:25:34,945 --> 00:25:35,765 would say 701 00:25:36,065 --> 00:25:37,525 that if you are 702 00:25:38,210 --> 00:25:38,710 doing 703 00:25:39,170 --> 00:25:39,670 emotional 704 00:25:40,609 --> 00:25:41,829 investigative work 705 00:25:42,769 --> 00:25:46,470 with someone who is in your DNA lineage, 706 00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:48,549 you're going to get 707 00:25:49,009 --> 00:25:49,509 answers, 708 00:25:50,144 --> 00:25:52,144 whether it's in a dream, it's in a 709 00:25:52,144 --> 00:25:52,644 feeling, 710 00:25:53,105 --> 00:25:54,884 you meet somebody, and they 711 00:25:55,505 --> 00:25:56,005 present 712 00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,984 something. You're like, well, that could be the 713 00:25:57,984 --> 00:26:00,545 case, what however it comes. For me, it 714 00:26:00,545 --> 00:26:01,445 was through writing 715 00:26:01,904 --> 00:26:02,404 that 716 00:26:02,945 --> 00:26:04,565 can give you an answer 717 00:26:05,259 --> 00:26:07,500 or give you another perspective even if it's 718 00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:09,419 not an answer. It can give you another 719 00:26:09,419 --> 00:26:11,039 perspective or give you a question 720 00:26:11,339 --> 00:26:13,200 that can lead you to an answer. 721 00:26:13,579 --> 00:26:16,079 So I feel like if you're open 722 00:26:16,940 --> 00:26:17,759 and seeking, 723 00:26:18,595 --> 00:26:20,855 you can get guidance from a stop sign. 724 00:26:22,515 --> 00:26:24,855 You know, like, really. It's also 725 00:26:25,634 --> 00:26:27,095 evident of this connection. 726 00:26:27,555 --> 00:26:30,355 Even though he wasn't there for you growing 727 00:26:30,355 --> 00:26:32,115 up or, you know, you said you've seen 728 00:26:32,115 --> 00:26:33,975 him a handful of times in your life, 729 00:26:34,230 --> 00:26:37,369 there was still a presence in his absence 730 00:26:38,230 --> 00:26:40,390 even in an emotional level that you were 731 00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,230 able to access what you spoke of as 732 00:26:42,230 --> 00:26:43,369 reservoir of knowledge. 733 00:26:44,549 --> 00:26:46,890 Coming to a sense of peace around that, 734 00:26:47,429 --> 00:26:49,450 what do you think that offers you 735 00:26:49,795 --> 00:26:50,615 going forward? 736 00:26:51,714 --> 00:26:54,914 With him, I feel like, specifically, it offers 737 00:26:54,914 --> 00:26:55,414 me 738 00:26:56,434 --> 00:26:58,914 an ability to just enjoy him for what 739 00:26:58,914 --> 00:26:59,654 he is 740 00:27:00,434 --> 00:27:00,934 without 741 00:27:01,795 --> 00:27:03,494 having a filter on 742 00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:06,440 and always referring to the past of what 743 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,460 wasn't done, hasn't been done, whatever, 744 00:27:08,759 --> 00:27:11,159 and just being present. Like, we talk about, 745 00:27:11,159 --> 00:27:12,759 like, just being able to be just in 746 00:27:12,759 --> 00:27:13,419 the moment. 747 00:27:14,039 --> 00:27:15,659 I think for other relationships, 748 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,460 just the exercise of being curious 749 00:27:18,759 --> 00:27:19,659 as to why 750 00:27:20,095 --> 00:27:20,595 someone 751 00:27:21,295 --> 00:27:24,674 is behaving in a way that we don't 752 00:27:24,894 --> 00:27:25,394 enjoy 753 00:27:26,335 --> 00:27:29,154 rather than making a story about what 754 00:27:29,615 --> 00:27:32,515 that must mean because we're always so certain. 755 00:27:33,089 --> 00:27:36,690 And being curious and then deciding again how 756 00:27:36,690 --> 00:27:38,609 you're gonna process it and how you're gonna 757 00:27:38,609 --> 00:27:39,109 respond. 758 00:27:39,650 --> 00:27:41,410 I just keep coming back to the you're 759 00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:43,190 not worthy or lovable 760 00:27:43,650 --> 00:27:45,429 because those are some of my things. 761 00:27:46,234 --> 00:27:49,615 I had something very interesting happen just recently 762 00:27:50,315 --> 00:27:52,255 with two long term friends. 763 00:27:52,634 --> 00:27:55,035 One is a mom person in my life, 764 00:27:55,035 --> 00:27:56,974 you know, around my birthday, and 765 00:27:57,515 --> 00:27:59,195 we were gonna have a birthday party, and 766 00:27:59,195 --> 00:28:00,095 it was canceled. 767 00:28:00,619 --> 00:28:01,519 And then I went 768 00:28:02,299 --> 00:28:03,519 to I can't trust anybody. 769 00:28:04,539 --> 00:28:07,180 That stuff, that narrative came right back up 770 00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:07,680 because 771 00:28:08,140 --> 00:28:11,259 the patterns still exist. However, they're not so 772 00:28:11,259 --> 00:28:13,740 deeply rooted. So as soon as it came 773 00:28:13,740 --> 00:28:14,240 up, 774 00:28:14,615 --> 00:28:16,234 I was like, well, that's not 775 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:17,195 true. 776 00:28:18,295 --> 00:28:20,234 And it was almost kind of, like, 777 00:28:21,815 --> 00:28:24,234 surprising that that even came up. 778 00:28:24,615 --> 00:28:25,914 And then other friends 779 00:28:26,934 --> 00:28:28,980 were upset and had their feelings about it 780 00:28:28,980 --> 00:28:31,140 and felt like, you know, indignant and mad 781 00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:32,839 for me. And then 782 00:28:33,619 --> 00:28:34,119 rather 783 00:28:34,660 --> 00:28:36,660 than cutting that person off, wouldn't do because 784 00:28:36,660 --> 00:28:38,579 I love her, and also that wanting to 785 00:28:38,579 --> 00:28:40,660 cut things off is really like the protective 786 00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:42,759 coating. Again, the little girl thing. 787 00:28:43,424 --> 00:28:45,664 Rather than doing that, I just, like, went 788 00:28:45,664 --> 00:28:47,664 and saw her, and all of that melted 789 00:28:47,664 --> 00:28:49,825 away. And I saw, like, oh, she's just 790 00:28:49,825 --> 00:28:51,424 not okay right now. And she said that, 791 00:28:51,424 --> 00:28:53,025 and it was like, not a big deal. 792 00:28:53,025 --> 00:28:54,865 I don't even care about the party. It 793 00:28:54,865 --> 00:28:57,890 was just the trigger of it thinking and 794 00:28:57,890 --> 00:29:00,369 being not thought of or discounted in some 795 00:29:00,369 --> 00:29:00,869 way. 796 00:29:01,329 --> 00:29:03,329 And I thought to myself, this is how 797 00:29:03,329 --> 00:29:04,230 wars start. 798 00:29:04,929 --> 00:29:06,869 People have old hurts. 799 00:29:07,569 --> 00:29:09,250 We talk about transference, you know, in the 800 00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:10,950 process. People have old hurts. 801 00:29:11,284 --> 00:29:15,144 Something happens or somebody reminds them of something 802 00:29:15,284 --> 00:29:17,224 from however long ago, 803 00:29:17,525 --> 00:29:19,924 and then they respond to this person or 804 00:29:19,924 --> 00:29:20,744 this situation 805 00:29:21,765 --> 00:29:23,944 from the old hurt, 806 00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:26,309 usually respond badly. 807 00:29:26,849 --> 00:29:28,789 And so I was really 808 00:29:29,490 --> 00:29:32,130 proud of myself that I didn't stay in 809 00:29:32,130 --> 00:29:33,269 that belief system 810 00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:36,289 for any real amount of time and that 811 00:29:36,289 --> 00:29:39,235 I didn't let it color our relationship. 812 00:29:40,015 --> 00:29:43,154 It just didn't take roots. And I credit 813 00:29:43,215 --> 00:29:45,394 the process for that because 814 00:29:46,255 --> 00:29:46,995 I think 815 00:29:47,615 --> 00:29:48,115 what 816 00:29:48,654 --> 00:29:51,154 it does is it does uproot 817 00:29:52,015 --> 00:29:52,914 those narratives. 818 00:29:54,009 --> 00:29:54,509 And 819 00:29:56,730 --> 00:29:57,549 by maintaining 820 00:29:58,650 --> 00:30:01,230 some of the tools that we learn there, 821 00:30:01,769 --> 00:30:02,669 you're continually 822 00:30:03,609 --> 00:30:06,730 weeding the garden. You're continually pulling those things 823 00:30:06,730 --> 00:30:08,305 out because because things in life are gonna 824 00:30:08,305 --> 00:30:09,585 come up and you're gonna be like, no. 825 00:30:09,585 --> 00:30:11,265 That's a weed. That's not true. Let's take 826 00:30:11,265 --> 00:30:14,305 it out. Versus if you don't do any 827 00:30:14,305 --> 00:30:14,805 work, 828 00:30:15,184 --> 00:30:17,525 life has been just giving miracle grow 829 00:30:18,065 --> 00:30:19,605 to those belief systems. 830 00:30:20,144 --> 00:30:21,985 What I really am hearing from you is 831 00:30:21,985 --> 00:30:22,485 this 832 00:30:23,390 --> 00:30:26,369 curiosity about another person's experience when something's 833 00:30:26,829 --> 00:30:27,329 hard 834 00:30:27,869 --> 00:30:30,369 rather than evidence that I'm not lovable. 835 00:30:31,309 --> 00:30:31,809 Beautiful. 836 00:30:32,990 --> 00:30:34,750 Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing. 837 00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:36,494 Is there any last thing you'd like to 838 00:30:36,494 --> 00:30:38,095 share with us before we go? Anything that 839 00:30:38,095 --> 00:30:39,955 you didn't say that you'd like to? 840 00:30:41,134 --> 00:30:42,355 As a 841 00:30:43,055 --> 00:30:43,555 storyteller, 842 00:30:44,575 --> 00:30:45,714 I feel like 843 00:30:46,734 --> 00:30:49,615 that has always been who I was before 844 00:30:49,615 --> 00:30:51,539 I knew that that was a job and 845 00:30:51,539 --> 00:30:53,720 that I did that with my Barbie dolls. 846 00:30:54,259 --> 00:30:56,019 And so it always had a sense of 847 00:30:56,019 --> 00:30:57,880 play. Like, everything that I'm doing 848 00:30:58,259 --> 00:31:00,340 now, like, I was doing with Barbies. Like, 849 00:31:00,340 --> 00:31:02,820 I would have my friends come over, and 850 00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:03,480 I would 851 00:31:04,134 --> 00:31:06,234 tell them the the script, essentially, 852 00:31:07,015 --> 00:31:09,255 of the play that we were gonna enact 853 00:31:09,255 --> 00:31:11,335 with the dolls, and I was directing and 854 00:31:11,335 --> 00:31:13,414 and world building. Like, it's all the same 855 00:31:13,414 --> 00:31:15,894 things. And I'm saying that because I feel 856 00:31:15,894 --> 00:31:16,394 like 857 00:31:16,775 --> 00:31:17,674 to be happy, 858 00:31:18,134 --> 00:31:19,194 I need to be 859 00:31:20,029 --> 00:31:22,369 as much of that little girl as possible. 860 00:31:23,630 --> 00:31:24,369 I feel 861 00:31:25,789 --> 00:31:26,769 super lucky 862 00:31:27,390 --> 00:31:28,210 in that 863 00:31:28,909 --> 00:31:30,049 what I was 864 00:31:30,750 --> 00:31:33,009 doing naturally as a little girl, 865 00:31:33,535 --> 00:31:34,275 I'm doing 866 00:31:34,654 --> 00:31:37,154 in the adult version of my life. 867 00:31:37,934 --> 00:31:38,835 And then also 868 00:31:39,775 --> 00:31:40,275 Hoffman 869 00:31:41,934 --> 00:31:42,755 helped me 870 00:31:43,055 --> 00:31:45,154 recognize it in a different way 871 00:31:46,119 --> 00:31:48,059 because of the element of play. 872 00:31:48,919 --> 00:31:51,400 Even the being curious about, like, what's going 873 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,159 on with somebody else that can be done 874 00:31:53,159 --> 00:31:55,480 in a playful way, like by yourself. They 875 00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,240 don't even have to be involved. Obviously, it's 876 00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,579 more fun if you're with somebody else, 877 00:32:00,015 --> 00:32:02,174 But just to just take it as way, 878 00:32:02,174 --> 00:32:04,035 like, well, let's pretend. Like, 879 00:32:04,335 --> 00:32:06,095 maybe it's this, and it can be ridiculous 880 00:32:06,095 --> 00:32:08,255 and outlandish. And then suddenly you're you're laughing 881 00:32:08,255 --> 00:32:08,994 about it. 882 00:32:09,295 --> 00:32:12,035 And then some of the sting of whatever 883 00:32:12,335 --> 00:32:13,795 story you've been telling yourself 884 00:32:14,335 --> 00:32:15,154 gets unplugged 885 00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:17,539 if you can play with it. This is 886 00:32:17,539 --> 00:32:18,039 brilliant. 887 00:32:18,340 --> 00:32:20,519 So recognizing in a way you're authoring 888 00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:22,920 or building your own story, 889 00:32:23,619 --> 00:32:26,259 and if some part of that is hurting 890 00:32:26,259 --> 00:32:28,340 you or leading you to the conclusion that 891 00:32:28,340 --> 00:32:29,240 you're not lovable, 892 00:32:29,940 --> 00:32:31,400 you can question it. 893 00:32:31,755 --> 00:32:33,134 The strength to question 894 00:32:33,515 --> 00:32:35,214 that, to play with it, 895 00:32:35,515 --> 00:32:36,494 to be curious, 896 00:32:37,755 --> 00:32:39,214 and to write a new narrative. 897 00:32:40,075 --> 00:32:41,055 Drop the mic. 898 00:32:46,394 --> 00:32:46,894 Yes. 899 00:32:47,809 --> 00:32:48,309 Beautiful. 900 00:32:48,849 --> 00:32:51,490 Oh, my gosh. You're radiant. Thank you so 901 00:32:51,490 --> 00:32:52,950 much for being here with me. 902 00:32:53,410 --> 00:32:55,410 Thank you so much. Thank you for all 903 00:32:55,410 --> 00:32:57,750 of your help and support. I love you. 904 00:32:57,809 --> 00:32:58,789 I love you. 905 00:33:07,914 --> 00:33:09,994 Thank you for listening to our podcast. My 906 00:33:09,994 --> 00:33:12,394 name is Liza Ingrassi. I'm the CEO and 907 00:33:12,394 --> 00:33:14,494 president of Hoffman Institute Foundation. 908 00:33:15,019 --> 00:33:16,319 And I'm Rassie Grassi, 909 00:33:16,940 --> 00:33:19,980 Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute 910 00:33:19,980 --> 00:33:20,480 Foundation. 911 00:33:21,099 --> 00:33:24,059 Our mission is to provide people greater access 912 00:33:24,059 --> 00:33:26,379 to the wisdom and power of love. In 913 00:33:26,379 --> 00:33:26,879 themselves, 914 00:33:27,179 --> 00:33:29,444 in each other, and in the world. To 915 00:33:29,444 --> 00:33:32,984 find out more, please go to hompaninstitute.org.