1 00:00:15,410 --> 00:00:18,210 Join doctor Lee Baucom as he explores ways 2 00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:20,690 for you to improve your relationship and your 3 00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:22,789 life starting right now. 4 00:00:25,085 --> 00:00:27,644 Hey. This is Lee Balchem, and, part of 5 00:00:27,644 --> 00:00:28,144 what 6 00:00:28,524 --> 00:00:30,605 I find interesting is when I hear the 7 00:00:30,605 --> 00:00:32,625 same questions over and over again. So 8 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,460 today, we wanna talk about 9 00:00:35,239 --> 00:00:37,239 this path that I've talked about. So let 10 00:00:37,239 --> 00:00:39,559 me just kind of dive in here because 11 00:00:39,559 --> 00:00:41,399 this came out of a question from an 12 00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:43,765 email, and the question was simply, you talk 13 00:00:43,765 --> 00:00:45,284 about this path and I don't know what 14 00:00:45,284 --> 00:00:46,664 you mean by that path, and 15 00:00:47,284 --> 00:00:49,284 that's a core part of my material. And 16 00:00:49,284 --> 00:00:50,644 so I responded to this person. I said, 17 00:00:50,644 --> 00:00:52,119 well, that's exactly what I talk about, you 18 00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:54,039 know, in the 3 c's that path. So 19 00:00:54,039 --> 00:00:57,340 let me very quickly cover these 3 c's 20 00:00:57,399 --> 00:01:00,265 because they are your control center for your 21 00:01:00,265 --> 00:01:02,505 efforts to save your marriage. So the first 22 00:01:02,505 --> 00:01:03,405 one is connection. 23 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,185 Talk about connection as being so important. You 24 00:01:06,185 --> 00:01:08,125 have to connect with your spouse. 25 00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:10,060 The reason you have to connect with your 26 00:01:10,060 --> 00:01:12,460 spouse is because you become disconnected in your 27 00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:14,460 spouse. That's the pause button marriage that I've 28 00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:16,755 talked about, and it's one of, 29 00:01:17,075 --> 00:01:17,975 the main 30 00:01:18,515 --> 00:01:20,995 issues in a marriage. In fact, it's the 31 00:01:20,995 --> 00:01:23,555 core issue of why marriages get into trouble. 32 00:01:23,555 --> 00:01:24,855 You didn't stay in connection 33 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,640 and you got stagnant. So the connection is 34 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,799 a big piece of of connecting with your 35 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,659 spouse as a way of reconnecting 36 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,575 where you wanna get to. That's the first 37 00:01:35,575 --> 00:01:38,875 c. The second c is about changing yourself. 38 00:01:39,415 --> 00:01:39,915 So 39 00:01:40,454 --> 00:01:40,954 first, 40 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,909 let me just say, many people say, hey, 41 00:01:44,530 --> 00:01:45,890 how do you why do you think something's 42 00:01:45,890 --> 00:01:48,450 wrong with me? It's not that. It's that 43 00:01:48,450 --> 00:01:50,369 I know that you and me and everybody 44 00:01:50,369 --> 00:01:52,310 else has the tendency and the capacity 45 00:01:52,754 --> 00:01:55,655 of stagnating in life. And when we stagnate, 46 00:01:56,274 --> 00:01:59,155 we stop bringing our best self into all 47 00:01:59,155 --> 00:02:00,140 of life, but 48 00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:02,379 including in our marriage. And so part of 49 00:02:02,379 --> 00:02:03,900 what we have to do is change ourselves 50 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,739 to get back on the path of where 51 00:02:05,739 --> 00:02:07,900 we need to be. It's not about becoming 52 00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:10,685 a different person. It's about getting on the 53 00:02:10,685 --> 00:02:12,145 path of natural 54 00:02:12,604 --> 00:02:14,844 of the changes and growth that we all 55 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,084 need to have. We need to reestablish how 56 00:02:17,084 --> 00:02:19,120 we get to the place where we're showing 57 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:20,959 up as our best self. That is the 58 00:02:20,959 --> 00:02:22,879 big thing is how do we show up 59 00:02:22,879 --> 00:02:24,419 as our best self to 60 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:27,854 our spouse who we're connecting with. So we're 61 00:02:27,854 --> 00:02:29,474 bringing our best self into that, 62 00:02:29,854 --> 00:02:32,480 and that brings us to this other, the 63 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:33,139 3rd c 64 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,780 of creating a new path, 65 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:37,460 creating 66 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,300 the path. 67 00:02:40,064 --> 00:02:42,085 So I've been doing a lot of, 68 00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:45,425 traveling and driving this summer. Some I meant 69 00:02:45,425 --> 00:02:47,264 to, others I didn't. So when we were 70 00:02:47,264 --> 00:02:49,365 in Iceland recently, my family's in Iceland, 71 00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:53,330 and, we were lucky that, Google Maps works 72 00:02:53,330 --> 00:02:54,770 there just fine, and it took us on 73 00:02:54,770 --> 00:02:56,050 the path to where we needed to get 74 00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:56,550 to. 75 00:02:57,275 --> 00:02:59,275 So we had an idea of where we 76 00:02:59,275 --> 00:03:00,715 needed to get to, and we plug it 77 00:03:00,715 --> 00:03:02,715 in, and it would plot us the path 78 00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:03,534 to get there. 79 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,800 And part of what was helpful about that 80 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,800 is since we'd never been there, we needed 81 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,199 something to show us how to get there, 82 00:03:11,199 --> 00:03:13,644 and that's pretty much why I've been laying 83 00:03:13,644 --> 00:03:15,344 out all of these pieces because 84 00:03:15,884 --> 00:03:18,844 most people fail to get to the point 85 00:03:18,844 --> 00:03:21,599 in the marriage where we're working on. That 86 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,319 being a we. That's the whole path. And 87 00:03:24,319 --> 00:03:25,840 so when I respond to this person, I 88 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,000 said, that's this is it. This is the 89 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,920 path to we. That's what we're talking about 90 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,485 here. We need to create a path to 91 00:03:32,485 --> 00:03:32,985 we, 92 00:03:33,844 --> 00:03:36,584 which raises the question of, what is that? 93 00:03:36,724 --> 00:03:37,224 Right? 94 00:03:37,844 --> 00:03:39,705 The whole task of marriage 95 00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:41,560 is about building 96 00:03:41,939 --> 00:03:42,680 a we. 97 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,000 And sadly, 98 00:03:46,099 --> 00:03:46,840 most people 99 00:03:47,219 --> 00:03:50,344 miss that. Most most people don't recognize, 100 00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:53,604 a, that that's the path or the the 101 00:03:53,604 --> 00:03:54,104 task, 102 00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:56,585 and b, what that's about. 103 00:03:57,430 --> 00:03:59,349 Partly because we don't talk about this, partly 104 00:03:59,349 --> 00:04:02,069 because many people don't have very good models 105 00:04:02,069 --> 00:04:04,710 of that, partly because people misunderstand that, and 106 00:04:04,710 --> 00:04:07,094 they've put it into the context of, oh, 107 00:04:07,094 --> 00:04:08,235 you're talking about 108 00:04:08,935 --> 00:04:09,435 codependence, 109 00:04:09,974 --> 00:04:12,854 or you're talking about losing yourself to this 110 00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:14,235 other person. I don't want that. 111 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,459 That is not 112 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,000 what I mean. In fact, it's almost the 113 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:19,500 opposite 114 00:04:19,879 --> 00:04:20,939 of what I mean. 115 00:04:21,735 --> 00:04:23,735 So let's talk a little bit about what 116 00:04:23,735 --> 00:04:26,634 I mean by that building a we of 117 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:29,990 creating this path. Okay? So, first of all, 118 00:04:30,949 --> 00:04:32,810 let's go back. Let's 119 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:34,889 rewind to the beginning 120 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,649 of every relationship. 121 00:04:38,084 --> 00:04:39,305 One step before that. 122 00:04:40,245 --> 00:04:42,745 Before you met your now spouse, 123 00:04:43,365 --> 00:04:45,225 before you did anything, 124 00:04:45,709 --> 00:04:48,289 it was your spouse and you, 125 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,289 or to put it more succinctly, 126 00:04:50,909 --> 00:04:51,409 you, 127 00:04:51,949 --> 00:04:52,449 me. 128 00:04:53,069 --> 00:04:55,490 You, me. Right? 2 people. 129 00:04:56,495 --> 00:04:59,235 And, so, if it's like most 130 00:04:59,774 --> 00:05:01,074 relationships that develop, 131 00:05:01,774 --> 00:05:02,274 something 132 00:05:02,654 --> 00:05:04,435 put you in each other's vicinities. 133 00:05:05,850 --> 00:05:07,850 Really doesn't matter what that was, and and 134 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,210 there are lots of ways that could happen. 135 00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:10,350 You met at, 136 00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,745 an event, you met at, 137 00:05:13,305 --> 00:05:14,524 you know, an organization. 138 00:05:14,985 --> 00:05:17,625 You met online. You met at a bar. 139 00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:19,644 You met through friends. You 140 00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:22,509 pumped in bumped in each other, shot, whatever 141 00:05:22,509 --> 00:05:24,210 it is. It doesn't matter. Right? 142 00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:27,230 Suddenly, you go, oh, wait. There's something interesting 143 00:05:27,230 --> 00:05:29,254 about this person. And maybe it took 1 144 00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:30,855 or 2 or 3 or 4 times, but 145 00:05:30,855 --> 00:05:33,254 there's something interesting to drive you a little 146 00:05:33,254 --> 00:05:35,254 bit more and more, so that you decide 147 00:05:35,254 --> 00:05:38,439 to explore what the possibilities are of a 148 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:39,979 deepening relationship here. 149 00:05:40,439 --> 00:05:42,439 And so you have conversations, and you do 150 00:05:42,439 --> 00:05:45,000 things together, and you try to explore what 151 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,694 your common values and beliefs and what that 152 00:05:47,694 --> 00:05:49,454 all looks like and tell your story and 153 00:05:49,454 --> 00:05:51,375 all of those pieces that happen in the 154 00:05:51,375 --> 00:05:52,595 building of a relationship. 155 00:05:53,339 --> 00:05:55,580 And along the way, you go from you, 156 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:56,720 me to 157 00:05:57,339 --> 00:05:58,160 you and me. 158 00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:01,435 And you and me begin to move forward 159 00:06:01,435 --> 00:06:04,875 and you find closer points together. You and 160 00:06:04,875 --> 00:06:07,709 me. You and me. You and me. And 161 00:06:07,709 --> 00:06:09,949 along the way, lots of things are possible 162 00:06:09,949 --> 00:06:10,449 there. 163 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,930 Some people decide to live together, 164 00:06:13,709 --> 00:06:16,269 and I'm gonna tell you why it is 165 00:06:16,269 --> 00:06:17,485 that statistics 166 00:06:19,064 --> 00:06:21,384 show that you're less likely to survive a 167 00:06:21,384 --> 00:06:23,165 marriage if you lived together before. 168 00:06:23,865 --> 00:06:25,564 That's a shocker for people 169 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,660 because they don't understand exactly what we're talking 170 00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:29,160 about. 171 00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:30,600 It's a subtle 172 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,680 shift that most people miss. 173 00:06:33,904 --> 00:06:35,285 In fact, I created 174 00:06:35,585 --> 00:06:37,345 a whole training program a number of years 175 00:06:37,345 --> 00:06:37,845 ago 176 00:06:38,384 --> 00:06:40,705 about the secret to marriage, and the secret 177 00:06:40,705 --> 00:06:43,365 to marriage was about being a we. 178 00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:47,350 And I created a whole lot of training 179 00:06:47,569 --> 00:06:49,329 on just what that looks like because it's 180 00:06:49,329 --> 00:06:52,069 a subtle change that has to happen 181 00:06:52,435 --> 00:06:55,014 for a successful marriage to make it. 182 00:06:55,954 --> 00:06:57,954 And if you don't know what that looks 183 00:06:57,954 --> 00:07:01,074 like, it's tough to see the nuance difference 184 00:07:01,074 --> 00:07:01,574 here. 185 00:07:03,230 --> 00:07:05,310 That's why I try to create this map, 186 00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:07,389 so you can find your way there. That's 187 00:07:07,389 --> 00:07:09,790 why my Save the Marriage system and my 188 00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:12,915 books behind me are all about that, of 189 00:07:12,915 --> 00:07:15,254 of how do you find your way forward 190 00:07:15,314 --> 00:07:16,214 with that. Because 191 00:07:16,675 --> 00:07:19,154 marriages get into trouble because people hit the 192 00:07:19,154 --> 00:07:21,699 pause button, and they disconnect. And part of 193 00:07:21,699 --> 00:07:23,639 that is because they didn't realize 194 00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:27,139 the level of connection and the level of 195 00:07:27,139 --> 00:07:28,439 being a we 196 00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:30,360 that gets them through. 197 00:07:31,644 --> 00:07:33,185 So there is an opportunity 198 00:07:33,485 --> 00:07:34,704 that only happens 199 00:07:35,564 --> 00:07:36,384 when you, 200 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,004 make the kind of pledge that's true in 201 00:07:39,004 --> 00:07:39,665 a marriage. 202 00:07:40,899 --> 00:07:42,120 People who live together 203 00:07:42,819 --> 00:07:44,819 think that they have done that. But here's 204 00:07:44,819 --> 00:07:45,800 the little secret. 205 00:07:46,419 --> 00:07:47,800 If you're living together, 206 00:07:48,675 --> 00:07:50,835 you know that there is an exit that's 207 00:07:50,835 --> 00:07:51,654 pretty easy. 208 00:07:52,435 --> 00:07:54,194 Wait for the lease to run out, break 209 00:07:54,194 --> 00:07:55,735 the lease, sell the property. 210 00:07:56,355 --> 00:07:58,560 There are ways that you can, you know, 211 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,120 change that pretty easily. There's nothing big about 212 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:01,620 that. 213 00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:05,860 Divorce is big. It's a legal process of 214 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:06,740 disconnecting 215 00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:10,245 what the state has said is, at least 216 00:08:10,245 --> 00:08:11,845 in United States, we'll say the state, but 217 00:08:11,845 --> 00:08:13,524 the state or the country has said you 218 00:08:13,524 --> 00:08:15,064 are now one unit. 219 00:08:16,290 --> 00:08:17,750 That is what happens 220 00:08:18,370 --> 00:08:20,550 legally in a marriage. You become 221 00:08:20,930 --> 00:08:21,910 1 unit, 222 00:08:23,064 --> 00:08:25,705 Because legally, they know that is the process 223 00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:26,925 that needs to happen. 224 00:08:27,944 --> 00:08:29,865 Faith tradition have talked about this too of 225 00:08:29,865 --> 00:08:32,570 becoming 1 unit. Right? Many faith traditions have 226 00:08:32,570 --> 00:08:35,450 that idea that a married couple becomes this 227 00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:36,509 one unit. 228 00:08:37,129 --> 00:08:40,990 Except for many marriages don't make that shift. 229 00:08:42,045 --> 00:08:44,225 They stay you and me. 230 00:08:44,764 --> 00:08:46,945 They don't make the shift, 231 00:08:47,884 --> 00:08:49,825 and that is why it's fragile. 232 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,720 So this path to we, 233 00:08:55,659 --> 00:08:57,519 that's the whole basis for marriage. 234 00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,485 It's a partnership path. 235 00:09:01,904 --> 00:09:03,605 The deepest level of partnership. 236 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,805 Sometimes I've talked about the fact that, 237 00:09:07,309 --> 00:09:09,470 a marriage is kind of like a a 238 00:09:09,470 --> 00:09:11,009 business in a couple of ways. 239 00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:13,389 One is the way you form a business 240 00:09:13,389 --> 00:09:14,769 is to fill out some paperwork. 241 00:09:16,029 --> 00:09:16,529 You 242 00:09:17,164 --> 00:09:19,164 say to the state, this is now an 243 00:09:19,164 --> 00:09:21,325 organization that we're gonna treat like a real 244 00:09:21,325 --> 00:09:21,825 organization. 245 00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:25,105 Then you do accounting, and you do other 246 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,519 ways of treating that that make it like 247 00:09:27,519 --> 00:09:30,080 it's the unit. Right? You do that in 248 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,299 marriage too. Right? 249 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:33,884 You have a marriage license, and that license 250 00:09:33,884 --> 00:09:35,504 is that you are now 1, 251 00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:37,184 and you, 252 00:09:38,365 --> 00:09:40,524 taxes and and lots of other things now 253 00:09:40,524 --> 00:09:43,240 are about that. Property becomes our property, 254 00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:46,200 our stuffs. Just like corporations is 255 00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:48,660 ours. Now in business, you might have a 256 00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:50,495 partnership and you go, you know, I don't 257 00:09:50,495 --> 00:09:52,095 wanna be with my partner anymore. I'll just 258 00:09:52,095 --> 00:09:53,154 sell out my part. 259 00:09:54,254 --> 00:09:55,475 Sure. There's some 260 00:09:55,934 --> 00:09:58,254 legal wranglings that have to happen, but even 261 00:09:58,254 --> 00:10:00,176 that is different. And so that's where it 262 00:10:00,176 --> 00:10:01,529 kinda breaks down. 263 00:10:02,149 --> 00:10:03,450 When you divorce, 264 00:10:04,629 --> 00:10:07,429 that is pulling apart this entity that the 265 00:10:07,429 --> 00:10:07,929 state 266 00:10:08,384 --> 00:10:11,745 and probably even you both have treated that 267 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:14,384 way in your property and everything else you 268 00:10:14,384 --> 00:10:15,000 have to 269 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:17,159 split that apart and that's why it's so 270 00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:18,940 difficult. That's why it's so painful. 271 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:21,659 And that's why we have to make sure 272 00:10:22,174 --> 00:10:24,815 that you have the opportunity of forming that 273 00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:25,315 we. 274 00:10:26,575 --> 00:10:27,715 You become a team. 275 00:10:28,254 --> 00:10:30,379 And that's the subtle thing that many people 276 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:33,279 miss is it's about being that team together 277 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,059 through whatever comes your way, and that is 278 00:10:36,059 --> 00:10:38,220 what you have promised in the marriage, and 279 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,125 that's why you can make the shift. 280 00:10:40,924 --> 00:10:42,945 You say through whatever happens, 281 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,804 you know, it it doesn't matter what days 282 00:10:45,804 --> 00:10:48,279 come our way. We're gonna stick through this. 283 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,080 Through good days, bad days, sick days, poor 284 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:51,580 days, 285 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,840 rich days, or sick days, healthy days, rich 286 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,014 days, poor days. Right? 287 00:10:56,495 --> 00:10:59,615 And and sticking together through that. Sticking together 288 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:00,754 through thick and thin. 289 00:11:01,215 --> 00:11:02,274 That is the pledge. 290 00:11:03,790 --> 00:11:05,090 Sometimes the people 291 00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:08,210 don't know what that looks like, 292 00:11:08,590 --> 00:11:11,149 and that's why they don't quite make the 293 00:11:11,149 --> 00:11:11,649 shift. 294 00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:13,825 So what happens? 295 00:11:15,085 --> 00:11:17,024 What happens is you 296 00:11:17,565 --> 00:11:19,504 and me, you and me, 297 00:11:20,519 --> 00:11:22,139 at some point becomes you 298 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,580 versus me. 299 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,019 It becomes a competition. 300 00:11:26,279 --> 00:11:28,585 You start competing with your spouse to ask 301 00:11:28,585 --> 00:11:30,345 the question, what are you getting versus what 302 00:11:30,345 --> 00:11:32,264 am I getting? You know, what's my benefit? 303 00:11:32,264 --> 00:11:33,804 What's your benefit? Who's, 304 00:11:34,264 --> 00:11:36,424 carrying more weight here? Who's I mean, all 305 00:11:36,424 --> 00:11:38,850 those equations come in. Now, and let me 306 00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:39,589 just say, 307 00:11:40,049 --> 00:11:42,690 it is great to have discussions about how 308 00:11:42,690 --> 00:11:44,230 do we share the load. 309 00:11:44,769 --> 00:11:45,589 Great discussion. 310 00:11:47,115 --> 00:11:50,975 But when we start making that personal attacks 311 00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:52,794 about what am I getting versus what you're 312 00:11:52,794 --> 00:11:53,294 getting, 313 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:56,139 it's rarely coming from a place of how 314 00:11:56,139 --> 00:11:57,759 can we make this work. 315 00:11:58,139 --> 00:12:00,460 And so, I'm I'm suggesting that we have 316 00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:01,200 to change 317 00:12:01,695 --> 00:12:04,414 that discussion to how do we make this 318 00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:04,914 work 319 00:12:05,695 --> 00:12:06,355 for us. 320 00:12:07,375 --> 00:12:09,289 How can we make this work? 321 00:12:10,089 --> 00:12:11,769 So some people have said, okay. So what 322 00:12:11,769 --> 00:12:13,289 you're talking about is I have to lose 323 00:12:13,289 --> 00:12:14,269 myself to this. 324 00:12:15,370 --> 00:12:17,690 I'm gonna say that's the opposite of what 325 00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:18,350 I'm saying. 326 00:12:18,764 --> 00:12:21,105 You kinda bring your best self to this. 327 00:12:22,125 --> 00:12:24,524 So let's go kind of with this mindset 328 00:12:24,524 --> 00:12:25,825 of being a team. Right? 329 00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:29,240 So what do you do if you show 330 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,220 up to a sporting event with your team? 331 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,279 Do you go, I'm gonna lose myself back 332 00:12:34,279 --> 00:12:35,879 here. I'm just gonna kind of blend in 333 00:12:35,879 --> 00:12:37,294 back here. Or do you want to bring 334 00:12:37,294 --> 00:12:38,995 in your best self, 335 00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:42,355 your best athletic self, your best skill set 336 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,314 into that? 337 00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:46,539 If you wanna win, you're bringing your best 338 00:12:46,539 --> 00:12:47,360 into that. 339 00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,980 Maybe you have someone on your team that 340 00:12:49,980 --> 00:12:51,980 is great at something, so you want them 341 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:52,799 to do that. 342 00:12:53,214 --> 00:12:54,975 But you're probably good at something too or 343 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,574 great at something too, and so you need 344 00:12:56,574 --> 00:12:58,735 to be able to blend that together. That's 345 00:12:58,735 --> 00:13:00,115 how teams win. 346 00:13:00,789 --> 00:13:02,629 And so part of what we're talking about 347 00:13:02,629 --> 00:13:04,389 here is how do we bring our best 348 00:13:04,389 --> 00:13:05,129 self here. 349 00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:08,654 And that's why it's not about losing yourself. 350 00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,014 It's about recognizing that you bring your best 351 00:13:12,014 --> 00:13:13,555 self into a partnership 352 00:13:13,935 --> 00:13:14,435 together 353 00:13:14,815 --> 00:13:16,195 to take on life. 354 00:13:17,134 --> 00:13:17,634 Now, 355 00:13:18,639 --> 00:13:20,720 let me say something here that I hear 356 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,559 many times. People use the, 357 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,240 the analogy of it's you and me against 358 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:26,899 the world. 359 00:13:28,894 --> 00:13:30,815 It is not you and you and your 360 00:13:30,815 --> 00:13:33,774 spouse against the world. It's us moving through 361 00:13:33,774 --> 00:13:34,434 the world 362 00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:36,970 Because you and me against the world makes 363 00:13:36,970 --> 00:13:37,950 it adversarial 364 00:13:38,570 --> 00:13:40,970 in ways that just make it difficult. But 365 00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,029 but that 366 00:13:42,414 --> 00:13:43,695 you and me against the world is at 367 00:13:43,695 --> 00:13:45,774 least that we're standing together against the world. 368 00:13:45,774 --> 00:13:48,334 I'll take that over you versus me in 369 00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:48,914 the world. 370 00:13:49,509 --> 00:13:52,070 It's you against me. That's not gonna go 371 00:13:52,070 --> 00:13:55,129 very far. It's us moving through the world 372 00:13:55,589 --> 00:13:57,289 to find the best way forward. 373 00:13:57,824 --> 00:13:59,204 That's what we're talking about. 374 00:14:00,384 --> 00:14:03,264 So then some people will say, well, you're 375 00:14:03,264 --> 00:14:06,139 talking about codependence, because that was another email 376 00:14:06,139 --> 00:14:08,860 I got. My spouse doesn't wanna have anything 377 00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:10,220 to do with this because you're talking about 378 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:10,720 codependence. 379 00:14:12,475 --> 00:14:14,254 That is not what I'm talking about. 380 00:14:14,715 --> 00:14:15,615 That's a misunderstanding 381 00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:18,554 of my idea and and really in many 382 00:14:18,554 --> 00:14:20,575 ways, it's a misunderstanding of codependence. 383 00:14:21,590 --> 00:14:23,590 So codependence is one of those words. There 384 00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:25,750 are lots of terms out there, lots of 385 00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:28,870 ideas out there from psychology that maybe had 386 00:14:28,870 --> 00:14:30,250 some good in the beginning. 387 00:14:30,644 --> 00:14:33,225 But the way we've used them or misuse 388 00:14:33,284 --> 00:14:35,845 them over time has taken away almost any 389 00:14:35,845 --> 00:14:37,304 sense of what it's about. 390 00:14:38,889 --> 00:14:39,389 Codependence 391 00:14:40,330 --> 00:14:43,769 comes from the addictions treatment world that says 392 00:14:43,769 --> 00:14:47,789 that a spouse or somebody is codependent on 393 00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:49,894 the addictive substance. 394 00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:53,715 Right? So let's say you have a spouse 395 00:14:53,715 --> 00:14:54,855 who is an alcoholic, 396 00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:56,670 and 397 00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:58,830 the spouse of that person 398 00:14:59,450 --> 00:15:00,269 is codependent 399 00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:01,870 on the alcohol, 400 00:15:03,264 --> 00:15:05,365 not on the person, on the alcohol. 401 00:15:05,825 --> 00:15:08,465 That was the original intent. So let's say 402 00:15:08,465 --> 00:15:08,965 that, 403 00:15:09,504 --> 00:15:12,065 a spouse realizes that when their spouse has 404 00:15:12,065 --> 00:15:14,309 a few drinks, they stop being so argumentative 405 00:15:14,610 --> 00:15:17,730 and start being less insulting, and so then 406 00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:19,409 they stop drinking, and they're tired of the 407 00:15:19,409 --> 00:15:21,809 insults and arguments because they haven't actually gotten 408 00:15:21,809 --> 00:15:23,355 sober, and so they, 409 00:15:23,975 --> 00:15:25,815 offer some drinks to get them back onto 410 00:15:25,815 --> 00:15:26,794 that. That's codependence. 411 00:15:27,174 --> 00:15:28,934 Right? And it comes in lots of different 412 00:15:28,934 --> 00:15:30,600 ways and lots of different subtleties to it, 413 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,519 but it was all about being codependent on 414 00:15:32,519 --> 00:15:33,100 the substance. 415 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,800 So then it began to be anytime that 416 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,134 you relied on a spouse or anyone for 417 00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:39,914 anything has been seen as codependent. 418 00:15:41,735 --> 00:15:44,314 So let's talk about the truth of that. 419 00:15:46,649 --> 00:15:47,950 We are all interdependent 420 00:15:48,649 --> 00:15:50,269 on each other in this world. 421 00:15:53,424 --> 00:15:55,044 That's also true in marriage. 422 00:15:56,304 --> 00:15:58,245 In fact, it's way more true in marriage. 423 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,279 We have this concept, this myth that we 424 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,360 there's a such thing as, you know, pulling 425 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,279 yourself up out of the bootstraps and that, 426 00:16:06,279 --> 00:16:07,720 you know, you gotta do it on your 427 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:08,220 own. 428 00:16:09,605 --> 00:16:10,904 Nobody does that. 429 00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:13,384 Nobody. 430 00:16:15,445 --> 00:16:15,945 Well, 431 00:16:16,319 --> 00:16:18,799 let me just say that this is something 432 00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:20,480 that I have been aware of for a 433 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,740 long time that when we start looking at 434 00:16:22,959 --> 00:16:24,419 I did this. 435 00:16:25,544 --> 00:16:27,404 I am the reason for my success. 436 00:16:29,225 --> 00:16:31,245 We've already denied the reality, 437 00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:33,784 the true reality of that. So years years 438 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:34,284 ago, 439 00:16:34,669 --> 00:16:36,669 I had a client who came in and 440 00:16:36,669 --> 00:16:38,669 he said, you know, he he was not 441 00:16:38,669 --> 00:16:40,669 happy with life, not happy with lots of 442 00:16:40,669 --> 00:16:41,950 things. And he said, but you know, I'm 443 00:16:41,950 --> 00:16:43,169 a I'm a self made man. 444 00:16:44,365 --> 00:16:45,824 And I said, no. You're not. 445 00:16:47,004 --> 00:16:48,144 I knew his story, 446 00:16:49,485 --> 00:16:51,485 and he was a little irate that I 447 00:16:51,485 --> 00:16:52,769 would challenge him on that. He said, yes. 448 00:16:52,769 --> 00:16:54,289 I am. I am a self made man. 449 00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:56,289 I built my business, and I said, no. 450 00:16:56,289 --> 00:16:59,250 That's not entirely true, is it? And so 451 00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:01,704 here is what I told him. I said, 452 00:17:01,704 --> 00:17:04,424 first of all, your business, you bought from 453 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:05,404 a family member. 454 00:17:05,865 --> 00:17:07,704 Correct? And he said, yes. And I said, 455 00:17:07,704 --> 00:17:10,019 so that in and of itself, you had 456 00:17:10,019 --> 00:17:12,740 the opportunity that many many other people didn't 457 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,980 have. Now you took advantage of it. You 458 00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:15,480 did 459 00:17:15,859 --> 00:17:17,859 step up and buy it. So you took 460 00:17:17,859 --> 00:17:18,359 initiative. 461 00:17:18,825 --> 00:17:20,924 That's different than being self made. Initiative, 462 00:17:21,865 --> 00:17:23,325 great. Not about being self made. 463 00:17:23,704 --> 00:17:26,265 2nd, that family member allowed you to acquire 464 00:17:26,265 --> 00:17:28,240 the business by using the profits that you 465 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,320 were generating in the business by doing the 466 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,640 business to pay them. Very few people get 467 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,059 the sweetheart deal like that. So even there, 468 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,744 you're not self made. 469 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:41,005 You know, you're part of an opportunity that, 470 00:17:41,005 --> 00:17:43,244 yes, you were able to capitalize on, but 471 00:17:43,244 --> 00:17:45,664 many people would never even had that opportunity. 472 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,250 So again, 473 00:17:47,549 --> 00:17:49,490 initiative. Yes. Self made. No. 474 00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:52,829 2nd, you're not selling the product. You're not 475 00:17:52,829 --> 00:17:54,664 servicing the product. You have people who are 476 00:17:54,664 --> 00:17:56,025 selling it. You have people who are servicing 477 00:17:56,025 --> 00:17:57,305 you. You have people who are helping to 478 00:17:57,305 --> 00:17:59,224 run the business. They are helping you run 479 00:17:59,224 --> 00:17:59,724 it. 480 00:18:00,025 --> 00:18:01,644 They are contributing to 481 00:18:02,105 --> 00:18:02,845 your process. 482 00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:06,279 You hired them, made good hires, initiative, 483 00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:07,880 not self made. 484 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:10,740 Finally, there are customers who are coming in 485 00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:12,884 your door, who are giving you their money 486 00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:13,784 for that product. 487 00:18:14,884 --> 00:18:17,065 They're helping you along the path too. 488 00:18:17,524 --> 00:18:19,204 And the fact is that that is true 489 00:18:19,204 --> 00:18:21,910 for us as humans that we have people 490 00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:23,850 with whom we rely on. 491 00:18:24,869 --> 00:18:26,950 I don't grow my own food and create 492 00:18:26,950 --> 00:18:28,764 my own power and do all those other 493 00:18:28,845 --> 00:18:30,524 I didn't build my house. Right? I mean, 494 00:18:30,524 --> 00:18:32,684 there are these places where I am reliant 495 00:18:32,684 --> 00:18:33,585 on other people. 496 00:18:35,005 --> 00:18:36,065 None of us are 497 00:18:37,029 --> 00:18:39,430 independent. That's my point. And so if you 498 00:18:39,430 --> 00:18:42,630 think of the continuum from dependence over here 499 00:18:42,630 --> 00:18:44,329 and independence over here, 500 00:18:45,244 --> 00:18:46,625 A baby is dependent. 501 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,144 And in many ways, we have dependencies 502 00:18:50,765 --> 00:18:52,784 along the way as we're growing and developing. 503 00:18:53,150 --> 00:18:55,150 The other side of that independence means I 504 00:18:55,150 --> 00:18:56,910 don't need anyone else. I am on my 505 00:18:56,910 --> 00:18:57,410 own. 506 00:18:57,869 --> 00:18:58,690 Okay. So 507 00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:01,355 now the truth is that we exist in 508 00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:04,174 our lives somewhere in this midpoint of interdependence. 509 00:19:05,914 --> 00:19:07,809 When I go to the store, the money 510 00:19:07,809 --> 00:19:10,849 I've made in my job, I hand to 511 00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:13,089 somebody else for things that they've created from 512 00:19:13,089 --> 00:19:14,869 their job and we make an exchange. 513 00:19:15,294 --> 00:19:18,414 That's interdependence. I am dependent interdependent on they're 514 00:19:18,414 --> 00:19:20,414 dependent on me buying. I'm dependent on them 515 00:19:20,414 --> 00:19:21,634 selling. That's interdependence. 516 00:19:22,815 --> 00:19:23,634 It's everywhere. 517 00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:26,740 But nowhere as strong as it is in 518 00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:28,899 a marriage where you again have bound your 519 00:19:28,899 --> 00:19:31,220 life together to walk down the path and 520 00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:32,839 make take it take yourselves 521 00:19:33,325 --> 00:19:36,044 through life in a successful way. You are 522 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:36,544 interdependent. 523 00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:39,505 That is not 524 00:19:40,125 --> 00:19:40,625 codependent. 525 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:42,960 Interdependence 526 00:19:43,339 --> 00:19:46,059 means we rely on each other to make 527 00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:46,720 it through 528 00:19:47,339 --> 00:19:48,559 and make it through life. 529 00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:51,044 That's what you're 530 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:53,524 doing. This is a partnership 531 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:54,804 of interdependence, 532 00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,049 and it is the place where it happens 533 00:19:59,049 --> 00:20:01,849 the strongest of anywhere in your life. That 534 00:20:01,849 --> 00:20:04,785 is absolutely true. Because you have pledged your 535 00:20:04,785 --> 00:20:07,445 futures together. You have bound your futures together. 536 00:20:08,464 --> 00:20:10,484 So the path that you are building 537 00:20:11,505 --> 00:20:15,089 is to see that, For instance, around resources, 538 00:20:15,309 --> 00:20:15,809 money. 539 00:20:16,109 --> 00:20:19,390 Right? We have our resources coming into our 540 00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:22,365 home and our expenses going out. Right? Resources 541 00:20:22,424 --> 00:20:25,085 coming in, resources going out to support us. 542 00:20:25,464 --> 00:20:28,204 So when couples say, my money, your money, 543 00:20:28,664 --> 00:20:30,444 that is a fictional accounting 544 00:20:31,849 --> 00:20:32,349 Because 545 00:20:32,650 --> 00:20:33,549 our household 546 00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:36,490 has the resources. How you subdivide it, it's 547 00:20:36,490 --> 00:20:37,994 all in your mind, for instance. 548 00:20:38,954 --> 00:20:41,355 Our children, how are we going to parent 549 00:20:41,355 --> 00:20:41,855 them? 550 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,015 That's another place. 551 00:20:44,555 --> 00:20:47,319 Our love life. What does that look like? 552 00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:48,940 How do we bring that together 553 00:20:49,319 --> 00:20:51,160 which is different than what are you getting 554 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,299 and what am I getting? 555 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,025 You can always tell when somebody has stepped 556 00:20:55,025 --> 00:20:56,884 into me, you thinking 557 00:20:57,184 --> 00:20:59,184 when they're asking the question, what am I 558 00:20:59,184 --> 00:21:01,105 getting out of this versus what are you 559 00:21:01,105 --> 00:21:02,559 getting out of this? You can have a 560 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:04,320 conversation about what are we getting out of 561 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,840 this, and what do we want out of 562 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,460 this, and what would be, 563 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,600 most helpful. And and there are lots of 564 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,024 other conversations you might have coming from bringing 565 00:21:12,024 --> 00:21:13,484 your your best self there. 566 00:21:14,105 --> 00:21:16,664 But it's in the context of our life 567 00:21:16,664 --> 00:21:19,759 together. How does our life join together to 568 00:21:19,759 --> 00:21:21,539 get us where we want to get to? 569 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,940 That's a talking about negotiation. 570 00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:27,955 Talking about finding what fits for both people 571 00:21:27,955 --> 00:21:30,375 because you've bound your lives together. 572 00:21:31,634 --> 00:21:32,375 The foundation 573 00:21:33,029 --> 00:21:35,509 of that binding it together is the love 574 00:21:35,509 --> 00:21:36,649 that you have. 575 00:21:37,509 --> 00:21:39,369 The connection that you have. 576 00:21:40,595 --> 00:21:43,095 Bringing your best self to that. 577 00:21:43,794 --> 00:21:44,855 So it's a project. 578 00:21:45,634 --> 00:21:48,275 It's a lifelong project. And that's the thing 579 00:21:48,275 --> 00:21:50,700 about being a we. You're gonna find places 580 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,539 down the road that you go, oh gosh. 581 00:21:52,539 --> 00:21:54,700 We're not doing that in this area and 582 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:55,839 I didn't notice it. 583 00:21:56,859 --> 00:21:58,299 So then you figure out a way to 584 00:21:58,299 --> 00:21:58,960 do that. 585 00:21:59,534 --> 00:22:01,294 You're gonna find places where you say, I'm 586 00:22:01,294 --> 00:22:02,815 really not stepping into this the way I 587 00:22:02,815 --> 00:22:04,815 need to. So we step into that. You're 588 00:22:04,815 --> 00:22:06,335 gonna find places where you're going, wow, we've 589 00:22:06,335 --> 00:22:08,734 let the connection kind of wane. We gotta 590 00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:09,440 work on that. 591 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:11,539 The 3 c's. 592 00:22:12,639 --> 00:22:15,759 Connect. Change yourself. Create a new path. That 593 00:22:15,759 --> 00:22:17,460 path is about partnership. 594 00:22:18,464 --> 00:22:20,865 It's about being a team. About seeing yourself 595 00:22:20,865 --> 00:22:22,484 as being a we. 596 00:22:22,785 --> 00:22:24,325 We are in this together. 597 00:22:24,785 --> 00:22:27,640 We move forward. We find a way. 598 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,140 That's 599 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,259 the path that I'm talking about. 600 00:22:34,815 --> 00:22:36,815 If you need help with figuring out what 601 00:22:36,815 --> 00:22:38,414 that path looks like and how to build 602 00:22:38,414 --> 00:22:38,914 it, 603 00:22:39,695 --> 00:22:41,855 come visit me at save the marriage dot 604 00:22:41,855 --> 00:22:43,339 com. That's save the marriage.com. 605 00:22:44,039 --> 00:22:46,059 This is Lee Balkam wishing you the best 606 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:46,940 as you work 607 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:48,940 to save your marriage. 608 00:22:52,105 --> 00:22:54,684 You've been listening to save the marriage podcast. 609 00:22:55,065 --> 00:22:57,625 For more information and help, please visit us 610 00:22:57,625 --> 00:22:59,210 at save the marriage dot 611 00:23:02,809 --> 00:23:03,309 com.