1 00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:09,463 You're listening to the save the marriage podcast. 2 00:00:10,175 --> 00:00:12,974 Your marriage can be saved and strengthened if 3 00:00:12,974 --> 00:00:14,115 you have the right 4 00:00:14,495 --> 00:00:17,935 information. Join doctor Lee Ba as he explores 5 00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:20,503 ways, for you to improve your relationship and 6 00:00:20,503 --> 00:00:22,816 your life starting right now. 7 00:00:25,208 --> 00:00:27,522 Hey. This is Lee Welcome. Welcome to the 8 00:00:27,522 --> 00:00:30,015 save the Marriage podcast. This is crazy for 9 00:00:30,015 --> 00:00:30,495 me to think. 10 00:00:31,135 --> 00:00:33,475 We are well on the 3 hundreds 11 00:00:34,174 --> 00:00:34,895 episodes now. 12 00:00:35,549 --> 00:00:37,065 I've been doing this for quite a while 13 00:00:37,065 --> 00:00:39,140 putting out an episode a week for what, 14 00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:40,757 over 300 15 00:00:40,816 --> 00:00:42,731 weeks now. 320 some weeks. 16 00:00:43,784 --> 00:00:47,005 We've been downloaded now over 3000000 17 00:00:47,065 --> 00:00:49,704 times from around the world. Just kinda blows 18 00:00:49,704 --> 00:00:52,516 my mind about the cup capacity we have 19 00:00:52,516 --> 00:00:54,671 now of getting information in so many different 20 00:00:54,671 --> 00:00:54,910 ways. 21 00:00:55,788 --> 00:00:57,784 I listened to podcast on a regular basis 22 00:00:57,784 --> 00:00:59,515 when I'm walking in the morning, I always 23 00:00:59,714 --> 00:01:01,946 tune into a couple of podcasts. And I'm 24 00:01:01,946 --> 00:01:03,859 always looking for those places that help me 25 00:01:03,859 --> 00:01:06,410 change. And that's why I bring you the 26 00:01:06,410 --> 00:01:07,286 episodes the way I do. 27 00:01:08,176 --> 00:01:10,237 I tried to time the episodes so that 28 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:13,488 they're about 18 to 25 minutes unless they're 29 00:01:13,488 --> 00:01:16,042 an interview, and sometimes the interviews go longer 30 00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:17,316 just so we can make sure we get 31 00:01:17,316 --> 00:01:18,193 in that information. 32 00:01:18,909 --> 00:01:20,423 But what I'm trying to do is give 33 00:01:20,423 --> 00:01:22,914 you a nugget. Get you a piece of 34 00:01:22,971 --> 00:01:25,218 information that's gonna help you. Now sometimes you're 35 00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:26,974 gonna tune in and say, well, that didn't 36 00:01:26,974 --> 00:01:29,050 quite apply to me, and then other times, 37 00:01:29,609 --> 00:01:31,445 it's gonna be dead on. 1 of the 38 00:01:31,445 --> 00:01:33,840 things I've noticed though is sometimes people don't 39 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:34,972 think it lost to them, 40 00:01:36,087 --> 00:01:37,281 and then it suddenly does. 41 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:41,344 Because this is an ever changing process as 42 00:01:41,344 --> 00:01:43,096 you're working to save your marriage. 43 00:01:43,748 --> 00:01:45,501 Really doesn't matter where you are in that 44 00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:48,072 process. There are some underlying dynamics. 45 00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:51,419 Some pieces of information that are gonna apply 46 00:01:51,476 --> 00:01:52,114 across the board. 47 00:01:53,324 --> 00:01:54,519 And that's the thing I try to cover. 48 00:01:55,076 --> 00:01:57,307 How do we understand what's going on and 49 00:01:57,307 --> 00:01:58,820 how do I give you a kind of 50 00:01:58,820 --> 00:01:59,798 a coherent 51 00:02:00,508 --> 00:02:02,653 piece by piece way of moving through that. 52 00:02:02,892 --> 00:02:05,037 Now to tell you, the save the marriage 53 00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:06,388 system is kind of the place where I 54 00:02:06,388 --> 00:02:08,931 put a whole system together step by step. 55 00:02:09,742 --> 00:02:10,697 Right through the process. 56 00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:13,402 It's kind of why I started this podcast 57 00:02:13,402 --> 00:02:15,312 because I wanted to make sure people understood 58 00:02:15,312 --> 00:02:16,210 what I'm saying 59 00:02:16,999 --> 00:02:18,437 So they can decide what they think about 60 00:02:18,437 --> 00:02:20,115 the system. So if you interested in the 61 00:02:20,115 --> 00:02:22,592 system, go to save the marriage dot com 62 00:02:22,592 --> 00:02:24,843 that save the marriage dot com, But today, 63 00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:26,360 we're gonna be talking a little bit about 64 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,797 space. I'm answering questions. 65 00:02:28,276 --> 00:02:30,911 And today, I'm answering a question about space. 66 00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:33,840 So as you know, we've been talking about 67 00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:34,538 questions 68 00:02:35,152 --> 00:02:36,027 that people have. 69 00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:39,608 Questions that listeners have. And that's where we're 70 00:02:39,608 --> 00:02:41,915 coming in today when we're talking about this 71 00:02:41,915 --> 00:02:44,483 issue of space. So I hear it very 72 00:02:44,483 --> 00:02:46,262 often. A lot of people kind of 73 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,838 misunderstand what space is. And and yet they 74 00:02:49,838 --> 00:02:51,436 hear that. You know, a spouse says, hey, 75 00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:52,715 give me some space. 76 00:02:53,368 --> 00:02:54,565 So the first thing I want you to 77 00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:58,496 understand about space is when you can't manage 78 00:02:58,634 --> 00:02:59,273 the space, 79 00:03:00,804 --> 00:03:03,042 The other person is going to manage it 80 00:03:03,042 --> 00:03:04,879 for you. Your spouse is going to manage 81 00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:07,197 it for you. And the way they manage 82 00:03:07,197 --> 00:03:08,875 it is by creating more distance. 83 00:03:09,764 --> 00:03:12,227 So often what happens is people progress from 84 00:03:12,227 --> 00:03:15,247 wanting emotional space to demanding physical space, 85 00:03:15,882 --> 00:03:18,925 and that physical space can continue you to 86 00:03:18,925 --> 00:03:20,685 be pushed until the person actually is out 87 00:03:20,685 --> 00:03:22,044 the door, and that's what we're trying to 88 00:03:22,044 --> 00:03:22,284 avoid. 89 00:03:23,724 --> 00:03:26,132 So I had a couple questions, and it 90 00:03:26,132 --> 00:03:28,279 says our giving space and trying to make 91 00:03:28,279 --> 00:03:29,234 a connection again, 92 00:03:29,949 --> 00:03:30,449 opposites. 93 00:03:31,619 --> 00:03:33,264 So let's just talk about 94 00:03:33,702 --> 00:03:36,270 the potentials here. So first of all, Understand 95 00:03:36,645 --> 00:03:37,623 that space 96 00:03:38,395 --> 00:03:39,452 feels safe 97 00:03:39,907 --> 00:03:41,816 when you feel safe with that other person. 98 00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:45,564 But space begins to feel unsafe when there's 99 00:03:45,564 --> 00:03:46,755 a level of disconnection. 100 00:03:47,787 --> 00:03:49,296 You can probably think about it yourself. 101 00:03:50,343 --> 00:03:52,488 When you feel close to someone you want 102 00:03:52,488 --> 00:03:53,283 to be closer. 103 00:03:53,998 --> 00:03:55,984 But let's say that somebody doesn't feel close, 104 00:03:56,143 --> 00:03:58,130 maybe even feels like there's something of a 105 00:03:58,130 --> 00:03:58,368 threat. 106 00:03:59,098 --> 00:04:01,006 Whatever level of threat that that may be. 107 00:04:01,244 --> 00:04:04,264 I mean, certainly, if somebody feels physically threatening, 108 00:04:04,423 --> 00:04:06,544 we keep our distance, but sometimes we feel 109 00:04:06,902 --> 00:04:10,321 some need for emotional space, emotional distance. And 110 00:04:10,321 --> 00:04:11,751 you can think about that in the rest 111 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:12,387 of your life. 112 00:04:13,262 --> 00:04:14,430 If you've got somebody 113 00:04:15,026 --> 00:04:16,854 that you know and acquaintance at work that 114 00:04:16,854 --> 00:04:17,354 maybe 115 00:04:17,807 --> 00:04:19,317 trust too hard, pushes too hard, 116 00:04:19,953 --> 00:04:21,543 maybe makes you a bit uncomfortable. 117 00:04:22,274 --> 00:04:23,970 You probably keep your distance, 118 00:04:24,587 --> 00:04:25,565 whether physically 119 00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:27,001 or 120 00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:27,857 relational. 121 00:04:28,415 --> 00:04:30,569 So physically, you may just avoid the other 122 00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:30,888 person. 123 00:04:32,734 --> 00:04:35,274 Relational, you may decide that you're not going 124 00:04:35,274 --> 00:04:37,178 to engage too much in a conversation, and 125 00:04:37,178 --> 00:04:38,607 maybe you're not gonna share too much. Maybe 126 00:04:38,607 --> 00:04:40,194 you're going to avoid going too deep. 127 00:04:41,243 --> 00:04:43,319 Well, that's the same kind of thing that 128 00:04:43,319 --> 00:04:45,793 happens. The same thing. The same wiring is 129 00:04:45,793 --> 00:04:48,927 there. You understand that our wiring as humans 130 00:04:48,986 --> 00:04:49,486 is 131 00:04:50,116 --> 00:04:52,978 across the board and how we manage ourselves. 132 00:04:54,091 --> 00:04:56,101 A, we all need some level 133 00:04:56,555 --> 00:04:58,463 of connection. And b, we all need some 134 00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:00,312 level of safety and security. 135 00:05:01,429 --> 00:05:03,744 Our level of connection and our level of 136 00:05:03,744 --> 00:05:06,857 safety and security have a certain rhythm to 137 00:05:06,857 --> 00:05:07,017 them. 138 00:05:08,148 --> 00:05:10,210 When we feel more safe, we can connect 139 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:10,369 more. 140 00:05:11,241 --> 00:05:13,621 When we connect more, we feel more safe. 141 00:05:15,207 --> 00:05:15,604 Conversely, 142 00:05:16,573 --> 00:05:20,324 When we feel unsafe, we disconnect. And when 143 00:05:20,324 --> 00:05:21,361 we disconnect, 144 00:05:22,079 --> 00:05:22,957 we feel unsafe. 145 00:05:23,929 --> 00:05:25,761 So that brings us to this whole question 146 00:05:25,761 --> 00:05:27,753 about space. So if you just imagine for 147 00:05:27,753 --> 00:05:30,461 a amendment, this idea of space. Just imagine... 148 00:05:31,113 --> 00:05:33,022 There's like a a fish bowl. Right? If 149 00:05:33,022 --> 00:05:35,250 you go in and look, you've got a 150 00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:37,159 fish bowl... Let's say you have 1 at 151 00:05:37,159 --> 00:05:39,320 your house and You know, maybe it's your 152 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,749 your child's and they have a goldfish in 153 00:05:40,749 --> 00:05:42,894 it. Right? The fish bowl is solid. The 154 00:05:42,894 --> 00:05:44,562 fish bowl is made of glass or plastic 155 00:05:44,562 --> 00:05:46,787 or whatever. It's solid and rigid. It's not 156 00:05:46,787 --> 00:05:47,343 going anywhere. 157 00:05:48,153 --> 00:05:50,880 So imagine that you put 2 puffer fishes 158 00:05:51,096 --> 00:05:53,722 into that tank. If you know about puffer 159 00:05:53,722 --> 00:05:54,677 fish, they'll puff up. 160 00:05:55,409 --> 00:05:57,490 When they feel threatened they'll puff up, and 161 00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,889 they take up space when they puff up. 162 00:06:00,849 --> 00:06:02,689 So imagine a couple of combinations that could 163 00:06:02,689 --> 00:06:05,494 happen with that. Puffer fish. 1 with the 164 00:06:05,494 --> 00:06:07,482 2 in there, 1 of them can puff 165 00:06:07,482 --> 00:06:09,391 up and the other has to move away. 166 00:06:10,107 --> 00:06:11,936 And it's possible that the 1 who puffs 167 00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:15,539 up always stays puff always is needing more 168 00:06:15,539 --> 00:06:17,851 space because they feel unsafe or they feel 169 00:06:17,851 --> 00:06:19,606 like they need more attention or or something 170 00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:22,094 they're they're puff up. Right? And so The 171 00:06:22,094 --> 00:06:24,571 other fish has to kind of stay away 172 00:06:24,571 --> 00:06:25,769 and stay un puff. 173 00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:29,045 And that's 1 rhythm that often happens with 174 00:06:29,045 --> 00:06:31,612 couple where 1 person takes up more emotional 175 00:06:31,612 --> 00:06:34,084 space. They need more attention or they need 176 00:06:34,084 --> 00:06:35,860 to express themselves more or 177 00:06:36,317 --> 00:06:37,911 they need more energy. 178 00:06:38,962 --> 00:06:41,188 And so they take up more emotional space 179 00:06:41,188 --> 00:06:42,858 in that bowl. But remember, the bowl is 180 00:06:42,858 --> 00:06:43,574 only a certain size. 181 00:06:45,164 --> 00:06:47,175 And then the other 1 has to therefore 182 00:06:47,471 --> 00:06:48,266 take up less space. 183 00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:53,062 Another pattern is that neither 1 take up 184 00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:54,577 any space, neither 1 puff up. 185 00:06:56,011 --> 00:06:56,511 And 186 00:06:57,063 --> 00:06:59,778 there has to be some level of puff 187 00:06:59,778 --> 00:07:01,934 to all of us. All of us need 188 00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:04,568 some level of connection. And so when both 189 00:07:04,568 --> 00:07:06,266 puffer fishers are completely 190 00:07:06,819 --> 00:07:09,060 deflate and staying away from each other. That's 191 00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:09,560 just 192 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:11,939 disconnection where there's so much disconnection. They don't 193 00:07:11,939 --> 00:07:12,439 even 194 00:07:12,819 --> 00:07:14,833 get close to each other. There are some 195 00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:17,570 marriages like that, and they are disconnected 196 00:07:18,189 --> 00:07:18,348 relationships. 197 00:07:19,227 --> 00:07:20,426 I've had people coming in my the office 198 00:07:20,426 --> 00:07:22,594 and say, you know, we're we're married, but 199 00:07:22,594 --> 00:07:24,347 really in name only. We really don't have 200 00:07:24,347 --> 00:07:25,780 anything to do each other We have our 201 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:26,338 separate lives. 202 00:07:27,374 --> 00:07:30,094 We don't interact. Interestingly enough, I've had several 203 00:07:30,094 --> 00:07:32,241 of those who started at that position who 204 00:07:32,241 --> 00:07:34,173 ended up with very loving satisfying 205 00:07:34,627 --> 00:07:36,638 relationships. Once they realized that there was actually 206 00:07:37,029 --> 00:07:39,660 a way to go about the connection that 207 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,812 both of them could feel safe about. Both 208 00:07:41,812 --> 00:07:44,385 of them could find some way through their 209 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:45,081 disconnection. 210 00:07:45,814 --> 00:07:48,214 And maybe puff a bit, be closer to 211 00:07:48,214 --> 00:07:48,535 each other. 212 00:07:49,495 --> 00:07:51,014 But that's another pattern as possible. 213 00:07:52,134 --> 00:07:54,394 There's also a pattern where both people 214 00:07:54,788 --> 00:07:57,410 are constantly puff up, and they're poking into 215 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,839 each other. That's the puffer of fish part. 216 00:07:58,998 --> 00:08:00,984 They poke into each other because they're so 217 00:08:00,984 --> 00:08:02,414 puff up that their spawns are out and 218 00:08:02,414 --> 00:08:04,263 they just keep pushing into each other. 219 00:08:05,461 --> 00:08:07,399 In that case, it's a fairly volatile 220 00:08:08,098 --> 00:08:11,387 relationship. Lots of energy, but not much love 221 00:08:11,387 --> 00:08:13,141 there. It's just a lot of energy trying 222 00:08:13,141 --> 00:08:16,013 to kinda make your point or demand things. 223 00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:18,086 And so it ends up looking often like 224 00:08:18,086 --> 00:08:19,623 a very energized angry 225 00:08:20,001 --> 00:08:21,291 relationship. That's another option. 226 00:08:22,645 --> 00:08:24,261 Then there are the times when 227 00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,788 there is some puff that happens on each 228 00:08:26,788 --> 00:08:27,687 side when 229 00:08:28,239 --> 00:08:30,077 1 needs more attention, they puff up a 230 00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,435 little bit to get closer to the other 231 00:08:31,435 --> 00:08:33,353 1. Not so much of the spines come 232 00:08:33,353 --> 00:08:35,831 out, but they just take turns taken up 233 00:08:35,831 --> 00:08:36,310 that space. 234 00:08:37,681 --> 00:08:40,310 In healthy relationships, we kind of take turns 235 00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:41,266 taking up that space. 236 00:08:43,099 --> 00:08:45,489 And there are sometimes in relationships where they 237 00:08:45,489 --> 00:08:47,414 go to such extremes that 1 can take 238 00:08:47,414 --> 00:08:50,197 up huge amounts of space, alternating with the 239 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,469 other, and they go back and forth, and 240 00:08:51,469 --> 00:08:53,537 that's okay until suddenly both try to take 241 00:08:53,537 --> 00:08:54,888 up space and they spike each other. 242 00:08:56,654 --> 00:08:59,212 So I need space is basically saying you 243 00:08:59,212 --> 00:09:01,289 need to move away. You need to move 244 00:09:01,289 --> 00:09:01,849 away from me. 245 00:09:02,888 --> 00:09:05,126 That could be emotional, could be verbal, could 246 00:09:05,126 --> 00:09:05,765 be physical. 247 00:09:06,339 --> 00:09:08,094 But that is a place of trying to 248 00:09:08,094 --> 00:09:08,594 find 249 00:09:09,210 --> 00:09:12,400 some difference, some some distance between you that 250 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,112 feels safe to the person. Now here's the 251 00:09:15,112 --> 00:09:15,192 thing. 252 00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:17,697 Some people 253 00:09:18,390 --> 00:09:19,844 respond to disconnection 254 00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:22,525 by creating an extreme level of distance from 255 00:09:22,525 --> 00:09:24,218 trying to maintain it. Others 256 00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,230 want to recapture that connection. 257 00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:30,011 If you're a part of this process. If 258 00:09:30,011 --> 00:09:31,441 you're living listening to this podcast, 259 00:09:32,012 --> 00:09:33,998 You're probably not the 1 trying to distance. 260 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,300 You're trying to be the 1 to draw 261 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:36,697 closer. 262 00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:40,112 But you may be doing that with someone 263 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:41,955 who wants. Some distance, 264 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,659 and that's where we have this struggle. 265 00:09:45,932 --> 00:09:47,921 So the fact is there are ways we 266 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,251 can try to connect that can feel very 267 00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:51,769 needy and very desperate. 268 00:09:52,728 --> 00:09:54,586 And there are actually ways that we can 269 00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:56,897 connect that don't feel quite so needy, and 270 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,335 that's what we're trying to manage. 271 00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,930 So they are not opposites to answer the 272 00:10:01,930 --> 00:10:04,434 question giving space and trying to make a 273 00:10:04,490 --> 00:10:06,102 connection again are not opposites. 274 00:10:07,350 --> 00:10:10,051 It's how you go about trying to reestablish 275 00:10:10,051 --> 00:10:12,294 the connection. If you go at it from 276 00:10:12,294 --> 00:10:14,843 an needy perspective where you're grabbing trying to 277 00:10:14,843 --> 00:10:16,676 get the connection from the other person, 278 00:10:17,632 --> 00:10:19,942 it's gonna feel like you're crowding the space. 279 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,915 If you make offers for connection, 280 00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:25,335 If you try to give 281 00:10:25,715 --> 00:10:27,075 connection, give support, 282 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,361 that can feel less like an invasion of 283 00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:30,680 space. 284 00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:33,312 And we do it in subtle ways. 285 00:10:34,587 --> 00:10:35,704 I can walk up to someone and say, 286 00:10:35,784 --> 00:10:36,501 hey, I love you. 287 00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:39,222 And it be... All I'm trying to do 288 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,415 is is tell them a statement. 289 00:10:41,052 --> 00:10:43,040 But I could also walked up to to 290 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,791 someone and say, hey, I love you. 291 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,677 And you'll notice a little question on the 292 00:10:47,677 --> 00:10:47,837 end. 293 00:10:49,595 --> 00:10:52,172 Or think about when we hug somebody, 294 00:10:52,711 --> 00:10:54,642 not because we want to give them a 295 00:10:54,642 --> 00:10:56,634 hug, but because we want to get a 296 00:10:56,634 --> 00:10:58,627 hug from them. Many times, I watch people 297 00:10:58,627 --> 00:11:00,221 say, hey, will you give me a hug. 298 00:11:00,380 --> 00:11:01,576 Hey, will you give me a kiss. 299 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:04,382 I want something from you. They're looking for 300 00:11:04,382 --> 00:11:07,413 reassurance. We all look for reassurance. The question 301 00:11:07,413 --> 00:11:09,407 is whether it's the time to look for 302 00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:11,321 reassurance or whether it becomes invasive. 303 00:11:12,774 --> 00:11:15,414 So sometimes even in our physical actions, we 304 00:11:15,414 --> 00:11:17,815 try to draw the connection from somebody else 305 00:11:17,815 --> 00:11:19,095 which feels needy. 306 00:11:19,989 --> 00:11:21,105 As opposed to if I just went up 307 00:11:21,105 --> 00:11:22,302 to someone and gave him kind of a 308 00:11:22,302 --> 00:11:23,498 little hug and said, hey, Just 1 wanna 309 00:11:23,498 --> 00:11:25,333 let you know, Love. And walk off. Right? 310 00:11:25,971 --> 00:11:28,045 So there are ways that we can connect 311 00:11:28,045 --> 00:11:31,091 that aren't so invasive. Now, in my Vip 312 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,406 program, I actually have a whole training on 313 00:11:33,406 --> 00:11:34,683 my tools of connection, 314 00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:38,169 including how to text and how to 315 00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,312 create some tabs to be together and and 316 00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:43,618 some other ways of doing things that don't 317 00:11:43,618 --> 00:11:45,184 feel needy that don't 318 00:11:45,702 --> 00:11:46,818 pull at the other person. 319 00:11:47,615 --> 00:11:50,962 So it's tools of connection designed specifically not 320 00:11:50,962 --> 00:11:51,919 to invade space. 321 00:11:53,450 --> 00:11:55,210 So those are lots of ways of do 322 00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:56,410 that. But to answer the question, 323 00:11:56,970 --> 00:11:59,290 it really isn't opposites. It's to make sure 324 00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:02,169 you understand the connection that you're trying to 325 00:12:02,169 --> 00:12:06,180 do is give connection while you're giving space, 326 00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:09,537 not getting connection while you're invading space. That's 327 00:12:09,537 --> 00:12:10,336 the danger point. 328 00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:12,984 So the next question is, does it make 329 00:12:12,984 --> 00:12:15,137 a difference if they are still actively having 330 00:12:15,137 --> 00:12:15,696 an affair? 331 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,045 Well, it doesn't make any difference in the 332 00:12:19,045 --> 00:12:21,133 fact that the other person gets to set 333 00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:23,598 the parameters. The spouse gets to set the 334 00:12:23,598 --> 00:12:24,098 parameters 335 00:12:24,633 --> 00:12:25,189 of space. 336 00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:27,360 You have to honor 337 00:12:27,909 --> 00:12:29,589 what somebody says in terms of space. If 338 00:12:29,589 --> 00:12:31,449 they say, hey, you can't call me 339 00:12:32,549 --> 00:12:34,389 or maybe you can't call me at these 340 00:12:34,389 --> 00:12:34,789 times, 341 00:12:35,284 --> 00:12:37,118 you have no choice but to manage that, 342 00:12:37,277 --> 00:12:38,654 but to allow that 343 00:12:39,031 --> 00:12:39,988 because that's their boundary. 344 00:12:40,466 --> 00:12:42,060 Maybe they say you can't come by the 345 00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:43,597 house. You have to 346 00:12:43,909 --> 00:12:46,244 you know, follow that because when people set 347 00:12:46,303 --> 00:12:47,420 their level of space, 348 00:12:48,457 --> 00:12:50,074 I'm not talking now practically. 349 00:12:50,532 --> 00:12:52,785 If you push against that. I'm not saying 350 00:12:52,785 --> 00:12:54,065 whether it's right or wrong, I'm just saying 351 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,065 if you push against that, they will take 352 00:12:56,065 --> 00:12:58,384 the next step in taking more space. And 353 00:12:58,384 --> 00:13:00,065 so when somebody asked for some space, yeah, 354 00:13:00,225 --> 00:13:01,991 you have to give that space. 355 00:13:03,022 --> 00:13:05,982 And affair is when somebody is getting their 356 00:13:06,355 --> 00:13:07,783 connection from another person. 357 00:13:09,151 --> 00:13:12,121 So, yes, there are some places that that 358 00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:14,033 because they're already getting their kind of their 359 00:13:14,091 --> 00:13:16,598 connection load somewhere else. They... May have substituted 360 00:13:16,816 --> 00:13:18,331 before what they weren't getting in the marriage. 361 00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:21,043 They're trying to now get it from outside. 362 00:13:21,362 --> 00:13:22,878 So that's the danger, 363 00:13:23,356 --> 00:13:25,191 and and pro also the threat of a 364 00:13:25,191 --> 00:13:25,350 marriage. 365 00:13:26,162 --> 00:13:28,232 Now I'll go into depth on this in 366 00:13:28,232 --> 00:13:30,462 my book, recovering from the affair, which you 367 00:13:30,462 --> 00:13:32,612 can find at the affair book dot com, 368 00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:35,179 the affair book dot com. A talk about, 369 00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,019 you know, kind of what fuels that, why 370 00:13:37,019 --> 00:13:38,860 it's going on and and what difference it 371 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:40,220 makes and how do you move beyond that? 372 00:13:40,460 --> 00:13:42,059 How do you confront that? How do you 373 00:13:42,059 --> 00:13:42,540 heal from that? 374 00:13:43,835 --> 00:13:45,355 But I just wanna be clear that it 375 00:13:45,355 --> 00:13:47,274 really doesn't make a difference in terms of 376 00:13:47,274 --> 00:13:48,174 the space 377 00:13:48,955 --> 00:13:50,634 when they're in an affair because here is 378 00:13:50,634 --> 00:13:52,235 an important thing to understand. 379 00:13:53,128 --> 00:13:54,424 You're not competing 380 00:13:55,038 --> 00:13:55,913 with the affair. 381 00:13:56,550 --> 00:13:58,141 That's not what you're up against. 382 00:13:59,414 --> 00:14:01,722 You're up against where the relationship has been. 383 00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:04,846 The affair is a symptom of the disconnection 384 00:14:04,846 --> 00:14:06,521 it's been in a relationship. There there is 385 00:14:06,521 --> 00:14:08,436 an exception, and that has more to do 386 00:14:08,436 --> 00:14:10,828 with addiction. But other than that, it has 387 00:14:10,828 --> 00:14:13,235 more to do as a symptom of a 388 00:14:13,235 --> 00:14:15,009 disconnected relationship where somebody 389 00:14:16,101 --> 00:14:18,729 didn't hold the boundaries didn't set the boundaries 390 00:14:18,729 --> 00:14:20,242 that are appropriate in a relationship. 391 00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,275 In terms of space though, not a big 392 00:14:23,275 --> 00:14:23,672 difference. 393 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:27,402 Okay. So then this says, how do you 394 00:14:27,402 --> 00:14:28,909 reconnect while giving your spouse space? 395 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,000 And you say saying what would that look 396 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,240 like? Okay? So that's a very long conversation 397 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,920 because you need to understand the tools of 398 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:35,080 that. 399 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,100 That's an extended 400 00:14:37,573 --> 00:14:40,301 process. Yeah. And it starts with an apology 401 00:14:40,517 --> 00:14:42,607 that is not begging. It's not 402 00:14:43,142 --> 00:14:43,960 trying to 403 00:14:45,388 --> 00:14:46,826 invade that space accidentally. 404 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:50,102 It's also about how you interact with that 405 00:14:50,102 --> 00:14:51,780 spouse and how you move towards them. 406 00:14:52,593 --> 00:14:53,886 So the best thing to do 407 00:14:54,339 --> 00:14:55,370 is if you 408 00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:57,751 don't have my system is to grab the 409 00:14:57,751 --> 00:14:59,735 system, the save the marriage system at save 410 00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:00,529 the marriage dot com, 411 00:15:01,259 --> 00:15:03,171 I'm gonna offer you a free week of 412 00:15:03,171 --> 00:15:04,286 my Vip program. 413 00:15:05,082 --> 00:15:07,154 Sign up for that, go straight to the 414 00:15:07,154 --> 00:15:09,804 resource area and straight to the tools of 415 00:15:09,862 --> 00:15:10,362 connection 416 00:15:11,151 --> 00:15:13,537 and take all the training there to understand 417 00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:15,048 how to do that. It is just lots 418 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,878 of training that there, more than I could 419 00:15:16,878 --> 00:15:18,402 cover on a pot cast, but you do 420 00:15:18,402 --> 00:15:20,625 want to understand how to do that very 421 00:15:20,625 --> 00:15:21,022 specifically. 422 00:15:21,815 --> 00:15:24,276 Now if you do have the save the 423 00:15:24,276 --> 00:15:26,046 marriage system and you passed on 424 00:15:26,753 --> 00:15:28,846 Vip. You can still 425 00:15:29,381 --> 00:15:32,249 join Vip and learn all about space. I 426 00:15:32,249 --> 00:15:33,842 have a whole set of training in there 427 00:15:33,842 --> 00:15:35,570 an extended training session 428 00:15:36,009 --> 00:15:38,723 on understanding what space is, why it's important, 429 00:15:38,882 --> 00:15:41,277 how you manage it and what you do 430 00:15:41,277 --> 00:15:43,352 about that plus those tools of connections. So 431 00:15:43,352 --> 00:15:44,571 some great resources 432 00:15:44,883 --> 00:15:45,916 specifically around space. 433 00:15:46,710 --> 00:15:47,663 If you don't have 434 00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:49,967 my system go to save the marriage dot 435 00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:52,668 com, you do need to understand save the 436 00:15:52,668 --> 00:15:54,931 marriage, in order to move into Vip, 437 00:15:55,701 --> 00:15:58,561 that's a prerequisite for that. And then if 438 00:15:58,561 --> 00:16:01,023 you still need to, you can join Vip, 439 00:16:01,673 --> 00:16:03,582 by going to save the marriage dot com 440 00:16:03,582 --> 00:16:04,559 slash vip. 441 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,923 If you want coaching on how to deal 442 00:16:06,923 --> 00:16:08,434 with that. Go to save the marriage dot 443 00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,468 com slash coaching, 444 00:16:10,198 --> 00:16:11,705 and we can walk you through this and 445 00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:13,687 help you understand that and coach you through 446 00:16:13,687 --> 00:16:16,065 how to connect in your specific situation. 447 00:16:16,937 --> 00:16:19,891 But don't let space, be a scary place 448 00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:23,072 where you either get desperate to make connection 449 00:16:23,072 --> 00:16:24,980 and therefore invade the space or you just 450 00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:28,333 avoid it completely. There are ways to understand 451 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:29,946 both connection and space 452 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,147 that don't put them as opposites and you 453 00:16:32,147 --> 00:16:34,149 need to do that. If you want to 454 00:16:34,149 --> 00:16:34,705 save your marriage. 455 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,123 Okay. Again, starting point, save the marriage dot 456 00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:39,792 com. That's where you grab my system, save 457 00:16:39,792 --> 00:16:40,666 the marriage dot com. 458 00:16:41,318 --> 00:16:43,153 Do grab my free week of Vip when 459 00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:44,131 I offer it 460 00:16:44,828 --> 00:16:47,322 and get busy with those tools of connection 461 00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:50,571 and the extended training on understanding space. 462 00:16:51,541 --> 00:16:53,847 This is Lee Wishing you the best. As 463 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,539 you work to save your marriage. 464 00:16:57,663 --> 00:17:00,310 You've been listening to save the marriage podcast, 465 00:17:00,778 --> 00:17:03,239 For more information and health, please visit us 466 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:05,222 and save the marriage dot com.