Welcome back my friends to Aa recovery
I'm your host, Howard A, and I'm an
alcoholic. Sober since 01/01/1988,
1 day at a time.
I'm grateful you joined us. Aa recovery interviews
is the podcast where Aa members from around
the world share their extraordinary stories of experience,
strength and hope.
This is the 150 fourth interview in this
podcast series, and features Helen M from London
England.
Helen tracks her nearly 3 years of sobriety
as more than 1000 days in Aa.
She has experienced 1 day at a time.
Though she grew up in a home where
neither of her parents were alcoholic. Helen suffered
mistreatment at the hands of her 2 sisters.
To cope, she found the emotion numbing relief
that alcohol provided in her early childhood.
With the die cast for an adolescents of
drinking and other addictions,
Helen drank herself into the t of alcohol
abuse by her early twenties.
By then, the inevitable consequences of daily drinking.
Took shape in the form of lost jobs,
ruined
relationships and physical m that are all too
common in the disease of alcoholism.
Hitting bottoms along the way, Helen finally found
the rooms of alcoholic synonymous in 20 18,
but getting to Aa was only half the
battle. Has her desire to drink continue to
take her down.
In a moment of utter despair fraught with
failure to grasp the program, Helen path of
salvation from drink, was illuminated in September 20
21.
She was done drinking and proceeded to work
the program as suggested, even during the early
days of Covid, when she became a meeting
maker on several Zoom meetings she attended every
day.
Helen passion and enthusiasm for Aa recovery is
infectious. As she describes the gifts of the
program she has enjoyed.
Working the steps, studying the big book, having
and being a sponsor,
spiritual awareness and frequent service work all bolster
Helen place in the program.
Her story bears witness to Aa members in
their early years of the power of the
program.
And reminds those with many years or decades
of sobriety that the simple path of faith
and action is still blessed beyond question by
a higher power.
So please enjoy the next hour or so
Aa recovery interviews with my friend and a
sister,
Helen M.
Hi. I'm Helen.
I am a very grateful alcoholic.
Hi, Helen. Thanks so much for joining me
this morning or this evening, your time.
On a a recovery interviews. It's a real
pleasure to have
you here. You and I had not known
each other prior to a Zoom meeting that
we went to. That's correct?
I had the opportunity to hear you tell
your story a little bit and thought it
was really wonderful and wanted to have you
on
this podcast
as a way to get your message out
to others and give them the hope that
you've gotten through the program of Val alcoholic
anonymous.
Thank you, Howard. Thank you so much for
having me. This is
this is a great honor to be here
today. Thank you.
Now you're in London. Right? Yes. The meeting
that you and I met in is a
London based meeting. I never give the names
of the actual meetings themselves because for anonymity
reasons and sometimes,
it might overwhelm a group if they suddenly
have a big influx of people because people
heard about the group on the podcast. But
I had I had the opportunity here. You
tell your story, and it was rich and
engaging
and the I'm wondering
how a person like you
ended up in alcoholic anonymous.
Sometimes I ask myself that question. But,
I am a very... I'm I'm very proud
to be a member of alcoholic anonymous. It's
mh. It's absolutely changed my life
And you've been sober how long now? I've
been sober before. I think it's 1018
days.
Which is if you do the maths, it's
2 years, 9 months and a couple of
days. So I'll be 3 years in September,
Oh, very cool.
Congratulations on this. Thank you. I love the
day counters because I I have a guy
I sponsor who I've been sponsoring for a
really long time.
And he always leads by saying,
thanks to the fellowship and a God as
I understand. I've been sober.
I don't know, 12972
days or something
outrageous like that. But Yeah. I think it's
great when you start talking in days as
opposed to years. It breaks things down into
more meaningful units.
Well, I mean, for me, it was... I
used to do it. I used to do...
And and I still do it every single
day 1 day at a time.
And then in my early days, you know,
my first 90 days, I was I was,
you know, doing 90 days, and then and
then it would be, you know, months, and
I would come in every single month. And
and announce my, you know, my neck milestone
and then it was years. And I still
did it by months,
but recently,
you know, I turned a thousand days
and that for me, it it just blows
my mind because
that's that's 4 figures.
You know, that's 4 figured. I couldn't even
get 1 figure. I couldn't get 1 hour.
So I had to... I did have to
actually look on my little app.
Today, my pink cloud app, and That always
keeps my day count. So... Yeah. That's terrific.
And the actual date itself is in September?
That's correct. Nineteenth of 09/20/2120
21. That's wonderful. So you got sober
coming in through Zoom didn't show.
I did, but that is not the first
time that I came into Aa. It took
me to... It took me over 2 years
to get sober.
I... The first... Time I walked into an
Aa meeting was on the 30 first of
August 20 19. Mh. And it took me
2 years, 2 years and 20 days to
get sober. Time what was happening before you
came in that first time that would make
you wanna even
check it out.
Well, I knew that I was drinking too
much. And I had been drinking for a
long time. I first picked up my first
drink at the age of 5. And, you
know, throughout the years.
I mean, I can even go back to
that day because I I remember it quite
vividly.
We were at my cousins wedding, and
I remember, you know, I I was full
of fear,
and I didn't know it at the time,
but Mh. I have... I have 2 older
sisters, and
1 of my sisters, particularly, III
just didn't get along with very well and
both of them together,
I felt that they didn't include me and
a lot of things. There was a lot
of bullying going along. And Mh. So I
would hide away or I would run away
and and hide behind doors, and, we were
my cousins wedding, and 1 of my sisters
was teasing me, and I I went and
hid behind,
a door in a separate room, and and
that room was was empty, but it was
filled with champagne glasses. And I remember that
was the first time I picked up a
drink
and then throughout the years, you know, 678
09:10.
I... I always knew where my dad's alcohol
was. My parents are not alcoholic. But there
was always a lot of alcohol in the
house. You know, back in those days, there
were those big boxes of red wine, and
you'd pressed the little button and so I
would go along, and I just... You know,
I'd helped myself, but it was at the
age of 23,
I think that I then became a daily
drinker, and it just progressed. You know, and
I couldn't really
have too much alcohol even at that age.
But by the end of my drinking, I
was I was drinking about a liter of
whiskey, couple bottles of wine a day, and
those, you know, I would have a little
minute miniature bottles
because III couldn't make it to, you know,
the 4 or 5 minute walk back from
the the corner shop. I had to have
that little minute. And I and And I
thought that, you know, those miniature bottles were
quite
a good way to let the
shop assistant know that I only wanted a
small amount, but I found out Na, but
actually, only alcoholic drink those. So... That's right.
That's right. Some some drink it proportion control,
so to disrupt. So they won't pour themselves
more than a shot. Right. So your your
first drink goes back to age 5. What
did you notice when you were a kid
and taking those Clan
drinks?
Behind closed doors and as, how did it
make you feel and what did you think
about drinking at that time? Yeah. I think
it made me feel
less. Fearful.
It made me feel
a little bit more invincible,
and a little bit more like an adult,
you know, because I knew that,
adults were able to drink
and that's what they did. And
and so and I I obviously always did
it in secret, which added to that fear
of being found out
but I never was found out, You know,
I was always very good at at hiding
and keeping things secret, but but it was
those drinks that made me... It took a
away a lot of my anxiety for sure.
You'd had mentioned earlier about being bullied
by your sisters. Mh. Yeah. A what did
the drinking do did those particular relationships with
those sisters? Well, I would drink
particularly when... Of them or both of them
were being quite mean to me.
And it would just help to numb my
feelings. It would help to
you know, no out what they would say
to me. It was really just the 1
sister who was who was the worst, but
I felt that the other sister
would
you know, follow her like, a little sheep,
and that's how I saw their relationship, and
I saw them very, very close. And, you
know, I'm very close to 1 of them
now, but I'm I'm still not close to
the other 1,
the 1 that was that was really mean
to me. And
is that since the sobriety or... Since the
sobriety,
So my middle sister lives over in America,
and
I went to see her last year,
and she's actually very unwell right now. She
she has cancer, and it's and it's devastating.
But I went over to visit her last
year, and III was Adam I wasn't gonna
tell her that I'm in recovery. And I
was 18 months at the time, coming up
to 18 months.
And I was adamant that wasn't gonna tell
her
and then
towards the end of the week,
we started bonding over our relationship with our
mom. Mh. And, you know, 1 conversation led
onto another 1, and it was in the
journey back to the airport,
and it was just me and her. It
was just like something came out of me
and I just started sharing these stories and
Mh. And just told her that I was
in recovery, and
we were both crying and
I mean, it was wasn't it was an
absolutely incredible
conversation and and and situation. And, you know,
I was just able to make an amend
to her, and I just... I'm able to
be that sister for her that I'm... That
I was never able to be. It was
amazing, and I'm and I'm going back to
see you her this September. I'm flying over
initially to San Diego,
where I've got a lot of friends in
recovery, my best friend who is in recovery.
She's over for 34 years. I met her
on Zoom. I'm starting over in San Diego.
And then I... And then I go up
to La where my sponsor has just moved
back to and that's where I'm gonna celebrate
my 3 years. And then I fly up
to see my sister, and then I'll go
back. 1 of the greatest gifts in sobriety
I think for a lot of people is
the
of
relationships, even relationships where people haven't been closed
for decades or most of their lives can
sometimes be ironed out and
repaired as a result of sobriety. Had you
not stop drinking,
what do you think your response to your
sister being Ill would have been?
I would have been drinking and making it
all about me. She was she was diagnosed
with cancer when I was drinking
Mh. I remember walking to the corner shop
because I wanted to sort of numb the
pain. I remember going back and forth along
the road going I'm gonna go to the
shop. No. I'm not. Yes. I'm gonna go
to the shop No. I'm not. Yes. I'm
gonna go to the shop, and I remember
calling somebody who is in na.
And I spoke to him and I said,
I just don't know what to do. And
we we spoke on the phone and we
prayed to together down the phone. That was
1 of the most powerful
Things that I have I can remember,
but I still made it all about me.
And I... I didn't get sober then for
another
9 months after that. And I couldn't I
couldn't stop for her. I couldn't stop for
my family. I I had to stop for
myself. Yeah. You know? And I'm incredibly grateful
that I was given that gift of desperation.
And that's usually what it takes. No matter
how many people or how many influences you
have in your life
until you're willing to want it for yourself.
I think it can sometimes be very elusive.
You'd had mentioned that your parents weren't drinkers,
but they they did have a alcohol in
the house. What was your family of origin
like growing up, especially around your parents and
drinking in the household?
My parents are
very loving. I I did grow up in
a very
loving family apart from my sisters.
My my mom doesn't drink. She'll drink half
a glass champagne at Christmas time.
My dad...
He's not a he's not a heavy drinker
either or, you know, he doesn't... He really
doesn't drink that much, but
He always has alcohol in the house. I
think a lot of it was given to
him over the years as gifts. He was
he was a head master of a school
and so he was always given
alcohol,
particularly whiskey. And I remember he had this
you had this big books shelf, long, long
books shelf, and it was filled
with whiskey bottles. And over the years, it
was me that made my way through them.
You know. And and I would I would
be very careful to make sure that, you
know, each 1 was, you know, that, like,
the gap queen just was the same each
time. Every time bottle was taken down, and
it was just it was just insane. It
must been tough. It was tough. It was
because I hear so many stories, Of course,
I've been sober and have listened to stories
and A rooms for a very long time.
And
it's always kind of interesting to me when
I run into people who talk about loving
happy childhood because that wasn't the case for
me. It's
often not the case for the majority of
people in the program.
And 1 of my friends who mentioned about
growing up in a happy
loving household. I asked him I said,
how is that possible? How can someone become,
an alcoholic coming out of that? Because my
experience was
I drank and used drugs because I came
out of that kinda atmosphere. And his response
to me was very simple. He said,
because I drank too much beer.
I thought.
I can't be it.
When when you look back on your family
of origin, and, is there any place you
can point either to grandparents or other people
in the family where you think maybe you
picked up the gene from them or was
it just something that happened. Do Oh, a
hundred percent. I mean, my mom, particularly,
she always used to tell us to put
on a brave face. Or pretend that everything
is okay even when it's not, you know,
and and, you know, it it was in
my really dark days. I didn't know who
to turn to.
My mom doesn't believe in mental health. She
thinks it's a fashionable phrase. But I do
think that there are a lot of
dry
addicts, various types in our family. And I
think that
my mom has issues
around other things. Mh. Since I got sober,
I... I've been learning a lot about my
great uncle, and about how how much he
liked to drink and what he was like
when he came home every night drunk and
things like that, and it's interesting, And I'm
just starting to piece few things together. Mh.
I I thought that I was the only
1. I thought that I was I was
different from everybody else, but,
I'm starting to see some patterns for sure.
You know, those patterns are... It's it's helpful
to be able to recognize those. If for
no other reason then they just give yourself
some assurance that,
it didn't come out of this, you know,
outer space. It's something that
was running already running in the family when
when we got here. That's kinda how it
was for me and other my parents drank,
but there was plenty of addiction and other
mental health issues in the family.
You know, going back probably
generations. And, you know, you hope that it's
skips a generation or 2 along the way.
But my feeling is that as long as
it's better in our generation than it was
in the last, there's hope for everyone. I
remember when I was in therapy when I
was in serious depression and serious drinking, and
I remember putting my parents on a pedestal.
And I would say, you know, my mom
is the strongest person that I know and
she never talks about her feelings and I've
never... Seen my mom cry, and I remember
my therapist looking at me and saying, and
is that is that strong? You know, and
because my mom would... You know, she doesn't
talk about her emotions. And so I I
do know that, you know, if I become
a mother,
I would definitely allow my kids to show
their emotions and feel their feelings because we
weren't allowed to do that as children. And
we're still not allowed to do that as
children. I remember when my sister was diagnosed
with cancer, and we did a a big
family zoom, and I I started crying and
my mom said, right. Stop crying.
Let's focus on that... The next thing and
the. And my sister said to me, mom,
she's allowed to cry. My sister then went
into surgery
and then
came out. She woke up. And the first
thing she texted me was did you allow
yourself to cry? And I just thought what
an amazing thing.
You know? Yeah. So somewhere along the way
there's this intuition in your family that is
okay.
Irrespective of what your mother says is the
rule. And yeah I get that. That's gotta
be kinda tough for you when you were
a kid to not be able to show
those emotions or
always having to put the best face on
what might not be such a great situation.
Fascinating.
You mentioned
the... Those being issues that you dealt with
in therapy and and most such us myself
included for years and years have been involved
with therapy. It's a good ad adjunct
to the program of alcoholic anonymous. It's not
a replacement for it.
But it's certainly very helpful. At what age
and at what point in your life did
you start avail yourself of therapy?
I had
had a very nasty breakup with somebody. It
was mid thirties.
U. And he was quite a manipulative
person and
all of my confidence
just was shattered in myself, and I would
wake up, and I would drink,
and I just didn't want to wake up
anymore. And I remember going to therapy.
But because I was drinking,
you know, not much was really going in,
and there were there were periods of time
when when she would even say, you know,
I I don't think it's right that we
carry on until you can sort your
alcohol ism out.
And she did try to get me into
Aa, you know, but when I got sober,
that was when the third... I came back
into therapy. Mh. And that was when things
really helped, you know, doing doing therapy along
with my steps and having my sponsor as
well back
is was just incredible for me. And then
I went from having weekly sessions to every
2 weeks and then every month And then,
you know, now III don't have therapy sessions,
but I do know that she's always there
if I need her. It's so important too
for us to know that the therapists are
sympathetic too an understanding of the program of
alcoholic in anonymous. I went to a psychologist
very, very
almost before I stopped drinking, but a few
few years into it where
he never brought up the fact that I
was drinking too much.
We talked about everything, but that seems like
we talked around the drugs and alcohol.
And
in a lot of ways, that kinda did
me into disservice had he ever faced me
down with the fact that I was using
and drinking.
I don't know. I might have gotten sober
sooner, things, you know, I might not have
experience some of the pretty negative things that
happened as a result of continuing to drink
use drugs, but he used to say keep
coming back, bring your checkbook.
Just
Yeah.
So what what were your school years like
with regard to drinking? I went to boarding
school at the age of 11.
And while I was at school because I
was away from my sisters,
I didn't have that feeling that I I
needed to go and pick up a drink
every time I had any fear or anxiety.
It was only when I came home, and
my sisters were there.
So actually, I did quite well at school.
I I've got good grades.
I was an all rounder I was very
sporty. I was into my theater,
and academically, I was very strong.
Then when I left school,
my dad pick, you know, being the head
master that he has wanted me to go
to university,
but I I wanted to get into drama
school. Mh. And I had a couple of
years, 2 or 3 years in between school
and drama school where I was working and
and I started earning money pretty quickly,
but
it was it was really when I and
got into a relationship with a guy who...
I know we're not really meant to say
that other people are alcoholic, but I I
do believe that he is an alcoholic. And
I remember knowing at the time that I
was drinking too much, but being in complete
denial that I was an alcoholic it myself.
And in order to help him get sober.
I did manage to stay sober myself
for 9 months, and it was after we
broke up
that
you know, And III felt trapped in that
relationship, so trapped for 2 years.
And I finally plucked up the courage to
break up with him.
And
from that day,
I drank every single day. III remember coming
home to my... I was living in Spain
at the time doing a a theater tour.
And I brought home, like, 4 or 5
bottles of wine through all of us to
share. And from that day, I I drank
every single day. You know, after after drama
school, because that was my thing, I really
wanted to go into acting, but Mh. I
think because
you know, there's there's not much money in
acting until you get quite big and I
needed other jobs to pay the bills. You
know, academically, you know, being at school and
everything helped me get good jobs, and and
I was earning good money, but I was
spending everything on booze, everything. Mh.
And I I lost my motivation and determination
in life,
and my acting career really went down. It's
it's just incredible how powerful this thing is.
It just takes over you. My... Life is
completely un manageable.
You know, and then towards the end, I
just couldn't even get out of bed. Yeah.
Isn't it ironic. How it helps you survive
for so many years, but then... It it
kind of flips and you struggled to survive
without it.
You mentioned
about the the sisters it sounds me, like,
when you were at home, there was a
lot of anxiety
and fear and all the other things that
would make 1 want to drink to escape
their feelings. But you went to boarding school
at 11. I've interviewed a number of different
people who went to boarding school for their...
Grammar school and high school and that sort
of thing. And
some found it really helpful to be away
from the family in the house, and the...
What was going on at home? Others felt
somewhat abandoned. How did you feel about going
to boarding school? I really enjoyed it. I
I really enjoyed it initially,
but then when I hit.
I think it was. I then developed a
an eating disorder as well.
So that was when things... You know, I
started to enjoy things less.
But
the majority, I really enjoyed boarding school. I
just really enjoyed being away from home.
Life. Even though, you know, I was still
looking at my parents as
you know, putting them on a pedestal and
and I love to be... I loved being
around my parents. It's only, you know, since
I got sober and well I know before
that being in therapy that I realized that
I wasn't able to... Show my emotions at
home,
but it was really my... It was really
my my sisters that I wanted to get
away from. Yeah. I get that. That... That's
kinda tough. When you mentioned about the the
eating disorder,
many of us, of course have c addictions,
whether it's
alcohol and drugs or alcohol and
eating disorders or gambling or debt or sex
or whatever else. That's
did you identify your your eating addiction
before your alcoholism or did you see 1
relating to the other from the start?
Obviously, I started drinking first,
because I was young. I was 5,
and I was always a very good eater,
and I was always very active.
But my eating disorder
because my mom has issues with food. Mh
that was the thing. Ever... I can remember,
she's always been on a diet or been
in weight watchers, and everything in in weight
watchers is done by points. And I can
almost... I can pin that point when I
remember looking in her weight watchers book and
seeing how many point, I was eating,
you know, at the time, and I was
only 15 16
and being shocked at how much I was
eating. And that's how my eating disorder kicked
in, that I remember then when I was
around about
19 20 something like that. I remember thinking
well. You know, if I substitute my dinner
for a bottle of wine because liquid is
gonna be easier to digest. U. Then, you
know, so that's how it kind of started
to progress
until it then became a daily thing at
the end of age of 23. Yeah. So
really booze after a while, you know, was
my was my morning
breakfast lunch and dinner, you know, and everything
in between.
I was a 24 hour drinker.
So it would it also became the gateway
into your eating addiction then. Yeah. Absolutely. I
mean, I have cross addictions, Drugs as a
huge part of my story as well.
Food, obviously, a ga I doubled in gambling
a little bit. I mean, III could've have
gone into a lot of fellowship.
But for me,
You know, the first drug that I picked
up was
alcohol. Yeah. And the last drug that I
put down was alcohol. And
for me, alcoholic anonymous has has really helped
with every aspect in my life. Do you
feel like A alcoholic anonymous then has a...
Help you address the other
addictions? 100 percent, a hundred percent It's... Because
people allowed me to respect myself and showed
me how to respect myself. And I think,
you know, because it's an honest program. I
really had to start getting honest with myself.
Can you walk us down the path a
little bit from
when you
graduated
from high school and the the thing you
mentioned some about acting jobs and doing other
things to support yourself while you pursuing that.
Can you tell me a little bit more
about that what that time frame was like
before you actually came into Aa?
Sure. So I left... School, it would have
been at 18.
And
before I was drinking daily, I think I
was battling more with my eating,
And and then at the age of 23,
I was... As I said, I was
I was away in Spain, and I was
traveling with a a theater company.
And then, you know, my acting career never
took off,
I think because you know, my motivation went
down and I needed I needed jobs. To
help me
pay the bills, and I would always gravitate
to
hospitality
So, of course, in hospitality, you know, there's
always a lot of booze. And, you know,
very quickly, I learned to put whiskey in
my morning coffee or finish off other people's
drinks
I always knew where the cameras were, so
I wasn't caught doing things like that. And,
you know, I've still carried on here and
there with my... With my acting, but even
acting, you know, going on festivals or whatever.
There's there's always a lot of alcohol. People
are always drinking. You know, It's it's not
it's not great for a potential alcoholic. And
I got a very good job working in
a restaurant. It's in Central London, you know,
deep down looking back at that. I mean,
I was suspended from work
for for for... What they didn't know was
to do with alcohol, but I know that
it was to do with alcohol. And
I left that job and said, right. All
I'm gonna do is
is act, you know, and I'm gonna put
everything into my acting, but I couldn't because,
I was just drinking, you know, the whole
time. And so I actually
completely ran out of money. I ended, you
know how it talks about, you know, sorted
in places in the big book, and I
ended up going into a strip club. And
I was working in a strip club for
years.
And I was earning very good money, but
I was spending every penny every single penny
on drugs and alcohol.
And I remember,
I was I was 36,
and I was lying in bed.
God knows what time of the day it
was. I never knew what time of the
day it was And I remember lying a
bed a night, and I
saw on Facebook.
Somebody had
posted that they were 2 years sober.
And I didn't know this person, but for
some reason, we were
we were friends on Facebook. Mh. And I
messaged him directly and asked him how he
how he did it, and he said,
aa.
And
I went into my first meeting,
and I was 36,
and it was on the 30 first of
August 20 19, and I can picture it
now, Mh. And that's, you know, that's not
my sobriety date, but that's the date that
I admitted that I have a problem. And
then when I got sober in
20 21, that's the date that I accepted
it.
And I remember I remember walking into that
meeting
and
the lady who chair was talking about like
this internal tremor
that she had.
And I suddenly related because I had this
internal tremor
constantly.
I hadn't I hadn't physically been shaking at
that point. You couldn't see it, but I
had this internal tram and I always put
it down to anxiety, and it would wake
me up in the middle of the night.
I felt like I was shaking like anything,
but I wasn't, that point. And so I
would drink to calm my anxiety, you know,
what I thought it was. Mh.
And and I started I started relating to
things and
I remember they shoved a big book in
my hand,
and they wrote the date in it, and
they just said keep coming back. And I
kind of fl in and out of Aa
for,
about a year. And this is Pre Covid
we're talking about right now. Yeah. This is
just the just before Covid. And I went
to a lot of meetings, like, did. I
I actually really enjoyed going to meetings, and
I got a week of sobriety because I
was staying up with my parents,
and I I came cling to them that
I that I was in Aa. What was
their response? Yeah. They didn't take it very
well. Why not? Because of course, you know,
a daughter of theirs
be an alcoholic. Right?
And my... I remember my mom said to
me, well, you know, this this stops now.
Right? This stops now. And and then she
told my dad, and I went off to
a meeting and I came home, and they
were both sitting at the table, and my
mom said, I've told you dad, and I
just went, oh, god.
Because I was I told my mom,
because I was so worried that they were
gonna find out how much of dad's whiskey
that I was drink, king. Right. They've been
given this,
bottle of vodka by somebody. It was a
2 liter bottle of vodka, and I drank
the whole thing, and then obviously filled out
with water
and then, before they noticed, I would fill
it up with vodka and then drink the
vodka and then fill up with water and
all that kind kinda stuff. And and then
my mum had sm it. Realized that it
wasn't actually vodka and it was water. And
and so, you know, my my dad
was very shocked, and he didn't really say
an awful lot. But my mom would say
to me things like, right. Well, this this
stops now. And she said, we're, we assume
that you're not on drugs
and I and I just went... I just
lied, and I just said, no, ma'am, you
know, and in my head, I was thinking
well, You know, if that helps you then
fine. You know. The next day, she said
to me, she get... She gave me a
big hug. I remember that she did give
me a big hug, and then she said
to me, I don't think your lena ups.
To and that was really her just saying,
I don't want you to relapse. You know,
over the years, it's been amazing
how much they have how how... Like, they've
grown
in their acceptance
of This.
Because even
last the Christmas just gone. We went out
for...
We went out for lunch,
and
they said for the very first time in
public, the words aa. It's And because normally,
they would say, you know, are you... My
mom would say... In fact, my dad actually
doesn't really ask me anything about it, but
it's my mom that she'll say to me,
you know, are you
you know, are you still going to your
meetings quite quietly, and I'll say, yes, ma'am.
I go to my meetings of alcoholic and
anonymous of us.
You Sure. People might be listening.
I'm right. Exactly.
We'll be right back.
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And we're back.
What did she mean by when she said
this stops now. Was she talking about aa
or drinking or what? She was talking about
the drinking as then I have to stop
drinking right now. So she thought it was
sufficient enough for her to just tell you
to stop even though here you were going
to aa because you couldn't. A Absolutely. You
know. And
and then, you know, it was a year
after that
that I I did actually call them. I
was in a really, really bad way. And
I was living down here in london in
this flat, and I called them, and they
they came down and picked me up, you
know, my parents were in their seventies, and
they drove down. They picked me up.
And they took me home, and that was
the first time
that I was physically shaking. I remember my
mom gave me a, you know, a cup
of tea, to hold, and I couldn't hold
it, and she was spoon feeding me and
everything. And and they they were asking me
about it. They were asked me how much
I was drinking, and my dad was was
reading the book, and he didn't really look
at me.
But my mom was very gentle and she
she had me sort of lay on her
chest, and she was str my hair, and
she was very very gentle with me, but
I was in such a bad way. My
withdrawals were so bad.
And I remember having to wash my beds
sheets, you know, for, like, 3 or 4
days. And then it was the following year
when I was sober
that We went out for lunch for Christmas,
and my dad said,
right. What are we all drinking? He said,
helen, are we having
wine, and I said,
no,
dad I don't drink anymore, and he said,
don't you? Why not? I know I was
shocked. And I... And I... And I
I couldn't quite fathom.
How, he couldn't remember
what... Had been like, you know, that image
of me. And I was completely
unrecognizable. I mean, I was I was purple.
My eyes were blood shot. My skin was
crusty.
Was about 3 or 4 sizes bigger than
I am now. I was just a mess,
and he couldn't understand why I I wasn't
drinking. And and and then he would do
you tell me about this. I Christmas cake
that he had made, and he said, oh,
you must have some. You, I'll send some
down to you. And and I said, yeah,
but dad, does it does it have alcohol?
And he said, oh, yes, lots of it,
and Said well then dad, I don't I
don't want to any... But it's Christmas cake,
You know, when you're not an alcoholic, it's
difficult to understand. But I know personally of,
I can never safely pick up a drink.
That's that's right. And it... It's a frame
of mind that you really don't get
until you're... Off either in the rooms or
are are really truly understanding of the people
who are in the rooms. And Yeah. They
don't understand alcoholism
they may not think it's a very big
deal for you to take a drink or
to eat a piece of brandy soaked
fruit cake or whatever it is that your
dad was making, but that slips off your
mind very, very quickly. Don't you think? Absolutely.
I mean, I just I don't play with
fire at all all. I mean, when I'm...
Know, I I'm very happy now to, you
know, go out to
birthdays and parties and and whatever it is.
You but I I don't like really being
in big crowds anymore around people who are
drinking and getting more and more drunk. You
know, I always have a get clause, you
know? And when I'm with my family, and
there is a lot of alcohol around and
now everybody in my family knows that I'm
in Aa.
But like every time there is an event
like Christmas, I will always put a little
colorful ribbon around my glass so that I
know that it's mine and everybody else knows
that it's mine and you know, nothing goes
in that blast. I just... I'm very careful
about what I put into my system. You
know, when I'm when I'm out at a
restaurant,
I will always ask if there's any alcohol
in anything that I've ordered. And even then
you have to be pretty careful. My wife
has always been the taste. Tester for me.
Right. Every now and then, you know, especially
around the holidays.
Yeah. The most inn little treats might be
rum balls or they might brandy so or
they may be, maybe they were cooked with
alcohol. You know, it's it's just playing with
it. And I, I can't afford that kind
of thinking
Yeah. I can't afford that either, and my
boyfriend's is saying, he'll do little taste as
well to make sure and and
but, you know, when I'm in restaurant, if
they say are you any allergies, I will
say I'm highly allergic to alcohol. And when
you say
but you're highly allergic to something.
Then they'll go back and check with the
chef, You know, make sure, you know? And
it's always the chocolate brownie ease. Why do
they happen? For alcohol in the chocolate brownie
is it just totally ruins them, but... Yeah.
Because that's to put alcohol and everything. That's
probably why.
Things it sounds to me had gotten pretty
much out of control in between the time
you first went
into Aa in 20 19.
Yes. And your
sobriety date, your current sobriety date. Can you
walk us through those that period of time,
I guess it was less than a year
or year and a half.
2... Yeah. 2 year... It took me 2
years and 20 days. Okay.
And I remember... So before Covid hit. So,
I was going to a lot of in
person meetings.
And then when Covid hit,
I really plummeted. I really, really plummeted.
And in what way did you plummet it?
Drinking wise and and and using and I
would have I would have alcohol delivered to
the door.
What was lacking?
From your first exposure to Aa that made
it possible or made it
easy for you to pick up that drink.
I didn't want it enough. I came into
our alcoholic anonymous in 20 19,
thinking that, you know, I could go to
a few meetings, and
you know, I I would just be taught
really how to drink like a normal person,
and I just wanted the consequences to stop,
and and I remember seeing all the scrolls
on the walls and seeing the steps. And
I just... You know, I just thought that
it just looked like too much work, you
know? And I wasn't I wasn't willing to
put the work in, and and I saw
the word god, and I just kind of
just wanted to run away, and and I
I saw the step and I thought that
most of them didn't even apply to me,
and I just thought I could just come
to some meetings. You know, I didn't want
it enough. I didn't I didn't have that
willingness.
To go to any lengths. I was willing
to go to any lengths to get to
get a drink. Right? And to get a
drug but but I wasn't willing at that
point to go to any lengths. And people
would give me their phone numbers, and and
I was handing out my phone number to
people, and I... All these numbers were ringing
me that I didn't recognize, and I didn't
wanna pick up the phone, you know, to
anybody,
because I didn't like the quest and, you
know, how are you?
Because I never knew how to answer that
because I'd had always numb every single feeling
and emotion that I had with alcohol, Jin
And I didn't like the the question, you
know, how long have you been sober now,
you know, because I I wasn't. I was
still drinking. And I I... Kept ending up
in hospital.
And I was always on a drip, and
that would always make me feel a lot
better and that the doctors would always say
to me you know, you're drink... You're drinking
dangerous amounts,
try and reduce, you know, but don't stop
drinking. And when you tell an alcoholic to
not stop drinking,
you know, that's like gold dust. Right? So
I carried on drinking, And but I was
never able to reduce my drinking, and then
eventually, I went into hospital
and I said to the doctors, I need
more than just medication. I need to speak
to somebody.
They brought down,
a guy from the alcohol department,
his name's is Charlie, and he won't mind
saying his name.
And he sat with me, and I was
pouring my heart out, and I was just
crying and sobbing, and
and he explained that he's in recovery himself,
and Mh. He we were just sharing stories
and relating and and it was the first
time that I had any sense of hope.
Any sense of hope at all, and he
was so gentle with me, and I remember
saying to him, am I gonna die, and
he said to me not on my watch.
And he never gave up on me, and
we're still very good friends to this day.
And he told me that during lockdown, Aa
had moved on to Zoom.
And so when
I was released from hospital,
I came home, and I woke up the
next morning
and I had a text message from Charlie,
and he said, hi, Helen. It's Charlie from
the hospital.
I hope you're okay, and as promised, here
is the link for all the Aa meetings
on Zoom. And I remember looking at this
message, and I was thinking,
oh my god, like, Normally when you get
sent away from hospital, they just sort of
wish you all the best. And here was
somebody who was genuinely
wants to help me. And
and so I got into Aa on Zoom.
I went to a meeting and he was
there,
And from then, I just started going to
all of these
online meetings, you know? But it wasn't consistent.
I wasn't every day, you know? But I
was... Still coming back. That was the 1
thing that I was doing.
There was a meeting that I that I
liked, and it it's now my home group
but III wasn't going every single day, but
I was seeing all the same people, you
know,
and... But it still took me from the
the minute that I started coming into Zoom.
It's still took me another year. You know?
I was drinking every day, but I was
having these big binge
of, you know, a liter of whiskey, a
few bottles of wine every single day.
And eventually... And I was still going into
hospital, and then eventually,
I just thought I just can't do this
anymore. I was done. I was given that
gift of desperation, and, you know, and I
knew that there was only 1 place that
I needed to be. You know, my therapist
hadn't got me sober. Hospital hadn't got me
sober even though I'm incredibly grateful Mh that
I met Charlie, you know, that there was
just 1 place that I needed to be,
And I came back into alcoholic. Synonymous.
And when you were hospitalized, what were you
hospitalized
for?
For alcoholic poisoning. Yeah. And it was really
only in the last few times that I
was there that that my liver
had gone, you know, off the roof. And
because before that, like, my blood
my blood count were always kind of under
the level or they were always regarded as,
you know, okay. Yeah. And so that in
itself,
allowed me to carry on drinking. In my
head, I was thinking alright. Well then I'm
not really that bad. So then I would
just carry on drinking,
but it did scare me when my liver,
went off the rocket. I was always told,
you know, that Jaeger mae. I don't know
if you have it over there in America.
Mh. Right. So Jaeger mae. I was told
has
digest of ingredients in, special digestive ingredients in.
Right? So which might be true. Right? If
you have, like, a teaspoon of it or
something of and, you know, I had a
really bad stomach cake I think because you
know, I was drinking too much. And so
I decided to get myself. A liter of
Y mae, and I made my way through
it. I drank liter, and then I, I
couldn't understand why I was throwing up and
you know why why it was hurting even
more because it was meant to be good
for my stomach. So then I I had
a second liter. Right? Of Yoga my and
and then ended up in a hospital, and,
I mean, I was just throwing. I just
couldn't keep anything down. And This was the
time that I decided not to tell Charlie
that I was in hospital and thinking that,
you know, I I didn't wanna let him
down, You know, And I came home, and
I woke up the next... Or I think
it was probably 2 days later when they
let me out. And I I woke up
and there were 2 missed calls from Charlie,
and I was hacked man he no? You
know, and I... And he said, well, it's
my job to know who's come in for
alcoholic poisoning,
but they they may go back the next
week. To have further blood tests to see
about my liver. Mh.
Unfortunately, you know, it had it had gone
down and so Charlie and I sat and
had a cup of coffee. And
And I just... I remember saying to him,
you know, I'm really trying. I'm really, really
trying, and he said he he would say
to me, don't try. Just do.
And he said trying means all you're doing
is trying your best to keep drinking rather
than doing what you can to stay in
recovery.
He said, don't try just do. Yeah. It
makes a lot of sense and it's it's
the thing that that we need to hear.
You're essentially
going to meetings. You have the desire to
stop although you're not. Stopping?
Yeah. During that 1 year period.
When you were called on in meetings, I'm
curious
what were you
saying,
though you knew that you were drinking, maybe
everybody else also knew. What sort of things
were you talking about to get the onus
off of you or were you just out
and out lying about not drinking? Well, this
is an interesting 1 when I've been trying
to remember this myself. I don't remember.
People
sharing their day counts. Now, whether or not
that was because I came into
meetings late. I don't know, and I don't
really remember
I definitely remember sharing,
and I just remember people saying, you know,
just keep coming back. And I didn't know
that they knew that I was drunk. I
thought that I was being quite, you know,
clever about it.
And I remember,
coming into the the meeting that is now
my home group, and there's a breakout room
at the end,
a women's breakout room and there's a mental
as well. And I was in the breakout
room and my now sponsor
said to me. Hey, Helen, you know, it's
really good to see you and
you know, like just how how long and
I was quite energetic and she said, you
know, how long have you've been... How long
have you've been sober now. And
and I was like,
I don't know. Maybe like a month and
I had, like, a gin and tonic in
my hand and, you know, I remember being
asked to read the pre am, and I
asked to do readings,
but I... It I think it was really
only.
In the in person meetings that I I
was sharing.
I don't really remember it's all very fuzzy,
but I don't really remember sharing so much
and I definitely don't think I did a
day count because I had no days. Well,
Zoom certainly made it possible
and still does because there are a lot
of Zoom meetings still going on. Zoom made
it possible for people to be able to
be doing all kinds of things,
while it looks like they're okay on Zoom.
Do you think you could have gotten away
with what you were doing? Had you been
going to live meetings during that year?
Well,
I mean, I remember...
1 of the in person meetings
that I went to, and
I was drinking in the toilet beforehand, and
then there was I think it was a
19 minute meeting, and then there was a
little break and I would go to the
toilet, and I would drink and I mean,
people... And I remember going to a meeting
and a lady.
Saying to me, you know, have you had
a drink today? And I and I I
kind of was a little bit shocked that
she'd said that, but I just said I
said, yes. And then she said, yeah, I
can smell it. I always thought, wow. And
then I didn't like people getting too close
to me.
I was definitely
being in the comfort of my own home
during lockdown, especially when things got really, really
bad. I still didn't have that willingness to
go out, you know, had there been in
person meetings. I wouldn't have really had that
willingness and that energy to go out to
to to meetings.
I definitely was doing everything on Zoom. But
then having said that Zoom was the thing
that saved my life. Yeah. It it's it's
interesting how it cuts both ways for you
and your story that It was the thing
that allowed you to hide out. But then
again, the third tradition, the only requirement for
membership is a desire to stop drinking.
1 of the earliest synergies I did was
with a woman who was drinking for 5
years,
while she was going to Aa meetings almost
daily,
And then finally, she stopped, but she satisfied
the requirement. She had the desire. She said,
I I always wanted to stop, but I
just kept drinking.
During this period of time, were you seeing
somebody during that 1 year period? So I
was with my boyfriend,
we've been together for 5 months. Before I
got sober.
Okay. So he saw he saw the behavior.
Did he take you to the hospital?
No. So interestingly,
because we didn't even live in the same
city.
I was quite I was quite careful
when I was around him, and he... Rarely
rarely saw me drink. He saw the after
effects because there were a couple of times
that we were
planning to go away, and I I would
cancel the holiday, and then I would re
book it, and then I would cancel the
holiday, and and then I would get there
and I just looked horrendous. You know, because
I was I was just so hung.
In my final binge, I remember being on
the phone to him, and he's... You said
to me,
is there something that you wanna
tell me, and he was so gentle with
me, and I said, yeah, I... I've been
drinking,
And I think I think I told him
that I was an alcoholic after about a
couple of months. Mh.
And and in this... Final binge, you know,
he he was living in Birmingham at the
time. And and he came down to London
and he knew
that I had been drinking. He kind of
had a sense of what he was coming
too,
but I don't think he was really prepared
for it. I mean, my flat was a
mess. And I just looked horrendous,
and he walked in and he just... He
sat next to me, and he just took
my hand and
You know, he said is there... Is there
any more alcohol in the house, and I
said, yeah. There's half a bottle of wine
on the balcony.
And he and he just... He said, okay.
I'm just... I'm gonna I'm gonna throw this
away. Okay? And it was the first time
that I was willing and prepared to have
alcohol throwing down the sink because I was
done. I was absolutely done. You know, I
hadn't haven't showered for about 2 weeks or
cleans my teeth. I didn't do those kind
of things and I was drinking. And my
hair had been up in this really kind
of messy bun, and, you know, it was
so glued together with alcoholic sweat that
I couldn't get it out, and so he
had to physically cut this massive chunk out
of my hair. I couldn't stand up. He
had to, like, shower me in the... I
I was sitting in the bath, and he
was showering me and, you know, and for
the next like, 3 or so days. I
was just throwing up dry he, shaking, all
of the above and and he kept saying
to me, you know, do you think that
you should go to hospital and I was
right I'm I'm just gonna ride these out.
You know, I just wanna ride them out
and I... And you know, for a very
long time, I was quite ashamed that he
had seen me that way. But at actually
looking back. I am so grateful that he
did see me in that place because he
can see now
how bad
got, you know, and and and why
my recovery comes first.
Well, it takes a lot of trust. To
to let somebody help you like that, especially
when you're at the very end,
and, you know, the the fact that he
helped you when you needed help the most
I think says a lot about your willingness
to do what the very next thing was
you needed to do, like, stop and then
go back. To Aa. So all this was
going on prior to the nineteenth of September
of 20 21.
So that last drink you told us about
that little bit earlier to that period
was really rough until you came back in.
So
you've been sober now a thousand
in 18 days.
Tell me about that period of time and
what you've been doing to
strengthen and support your own program, but to
be of service and to work the steps
and so forth.
With regard to working the steps and having
a sponsor. When I got sober, and I
came into that meeting.
Which is now my home group, coming in
and saying, I'm Helen and I'm on day
1 and people were just so
so grateful to see me, see me alive
and
you know, and just just seeing and hearing
people abroad that I was on day 1
because I'd never said that before. And I
remember being in the breakout room after words
with the with the women, and I remember
sitting on my couch, and I had this
like sudden
sense that I was gonna be okay words
And I feel that it was at that
point where
the desire to drink was lifted. You know,
that was the miracle that I had never
experienced. Before. And I got to bed sober
that night and I woke up the next
day, and I couldn't wait to tell people
that I was on day 2 and I
came in, and I said I'm helen and
I'm an alcoholic and I'm monday day 2,
and people were cheering for me. And, you
know, it's the group of drunk that initially
were My higher power and and just help...
To keep me sober. You know? And when
I was when I was a week's sober.
I was a week's sober, I was asked
to read by an incredible lady to called
Nikki, and she's she's passed on now, but
you know, and and we all miss a,
oh, miss so much, But she was my
grand sponsor,
eventually, and she's asked me to read page
337
of the big book, and it's in the
chapter crossing the river a river of denial.
Mh. You And the Para says, I got
deeply involved in Aa service because you told
me if I did, I would never have
to drink again. You said as long as
I put Aa first in my life, everything
that I put second would be first class.
This has proved to be true over and
over again. So I continued to put aa
and God first, and everything I ever lost
was returned many times over to and I
remember when I read that, and
and it funnily enough, it was in the
big book that I had been given,
on the 30 first of August, and I
had never opened that book until that day,
2 years and
what would it have been 27 days later.
Right? I opened up the book and I...
That was the first thing that I read.
Right? But it was like a light bulb
moment, and I was just like, like, all
I had to do was put my recovery
first and from that moment, you know, I
threw myself in,
and I was I was doing all the
suggestions. I've got myself a sponsor. I did
everything, and I still do everything that my
sponsor told me to do and she's taken
me through the big book word for word,
you know? And service is a massive, massive
part of my recovery.
I mean, I go to so many meetings
a day. My sponsor
said to me, you know, put as much
work into your recovery as you did into
your drinking. You know, and and so I
I do it an early morning meeting, I
do my home group at 01:00.
And then, because my sponsor act... Actually, as
I mentioned before she's moved back to La.
We were trying to find a meeting that
would suit both of our time zones. So
I go to a 3PM meeting, which is
7AM for her. And, you know, a sp
of others here and there, And I'm always
doing service and I love it. You know,
I'm always involved. I really got deeply involved
in in Aa service. But for me, like,
the the biggest service that I can ever
do in any day is, you know, is
to be of service to another alcoholic. That
is that is my passion. That's what I
love to do. Yeah. Once you get the
program, once you're staying sober once you're doing
the things you need to do,
that practicing the principles and all our affairs
and and
you know, being there for the alcoholic who
needs you and wants you
Those are so
extraordinarily
important.
You mentioned that
that you do a lot. Meetings are all
these Zoom or what what percentage of the
meetings you go to now are in person
live meetings?
Most of the meetings I do are Zoom.
The
because I work from home and I have
a... I have a a very busy job,
and I do
mainly Zoom. When I do... In person meetings,
it's normally because I'm chair,
and I loved doing that, you know, and
I... And
I do love going to in person meetings.
I really really do.
But I also really enjoy the Zoom meetings.
I just... I really enjoy the connections that
I have all over the world. You know,
I've got friends out all over the world.
I never feel alone because I've got people
on the other side of the world who
are still awake, you know, if I wake
up in the middle of the night, and
I've got anxiety, you know, doesn't happen often.
Right. When I was... I turned a year
sober. And I was overthinking things and things
just got a little bit too much for
me and and I remember having anxiety for
the for the first
time really since I got sober. Mh. And
it wasn't about drinking. I didn't wanna drink,
I didn't really know her at the time,
but I I messaged this lady over in,
San Diego.
And, you know, she helped me and and
we spoke for about 45 minutes, and then
you know, and then we spoke the next
day. And now she's become my best friend,
you know, and that's who I'm gonna go
and see over in San Diego in September,
Oh, that's wonderful. Exactly. I mean, Zoom for
me has really been
phenomenal. It's been it's been a huge part
of my...
A
journey in the sense of connections as well.
Speaking of those connections,
what what has your connection been with? Other
women as their sponsor.
I love I love being a sponsor.
It was funny. When I was going through
my steps.
And my sponsor would say to me, you
know, 1 day when you're a sponsor, and
I would just kind of freeze and I
was like, I'm not ready to do that,
you know, I'm not ready to be a
sponsor, but, you know, it was before I
finished my steps. I think I was still
on step 11, or, 10 or 11, and
somebody asked me to,
sponsor them, and I was I was really
hoping that she would, and I was ready
for it and I was like... And I
asked my sponsor,
And and I said, she's asked me, you
know, is it... Do you think I'm ready?
And she said, do you think you're ready?
And I said, yeah, I think I'm ready,
and she was like, I think you're ready.
I just... I love it being able to
help someone and take other women through the
big, but when I was when I was
so helpless myself. It's just a miracle. I
mean, that is that is 1 of the
biggest gifts that I can actually help other
people. It's had its ups and downs.
Tell me about some of the downs.
Well, because I think what people are most...
1 of the things that's so important
to people sitting in a rooms or being
on Aa Zoom calls.
Is
especially when somebody who was sharing has,
you know, years or decades of time,
there's the, assumption that their life must be
going pretty good because they're still sober after
all this time.
But
everybody's life always has its ups and downs?
And the question is, how did you stay
sober during the downs? And can you point
to a... Particular incident or 2 where your
sobriety really got tested and your desire to
stay sober, or stay alive for prevail,
Yeah. So
I've had a couple of things recently.
The first 1 I'll speak about
is
outside of the Aa.
I'm gonna go back to my sister who
has cancer, and, you know, that's that is
a very difficult
time for all of us, you know, but
not once... Since I got sober, not once
I thought about picking up a drink on
that, you know? And
and she's not... I mean, I... I we
don't really know how long she's got left,
but
you know, she didn't even think that she
would be with us even last...
April, you know? And so when I go
over and see her in September, that's probably
gonna be the last time that I see
her, you know. And she's 1 of my
biggest supports now. You know, she really is,
and it's it's incredible. Since I got sober,
I have never wanted to pick up a
drink over, you know, that situation. However,
she, you know, how the much she is
declining, so to speak, but man she's a
fighter. She's incredible. But then recently,
I will talk about a situation. I have
a
I had a sp
up until very recently,
who...
Is very, very unwell, and she has a
lot of
outside issues, and
it's not even that that was the difficult
thing.
But, you know,
she did get up to,
2 months of of sobriety completely clean and
sober.
And, you know, it was it was very
draining,
not that she was a burden at all.
It... I'm not saying that at all, but
my emotional,
Sobriety
Really started to get out of balance.
And
I was finding myself quite exhausted and getting
physics unwell myself with sort of tension headaches
and things. And the reality is that she...
When she relapse after 2 months, it was
evident that she just wasn't willing, you know,
and she didn't want it enough. And I
did see a big change in her
when she, when she relapse, she she had
this gear shift.
And
and I was I was very I, you
know, and III was happy to carry on
sponsoring her.
Because at that point, I didn't know if
there was more that I was able to,
do for her.
But since then, you know, it's it's... That
willingness has kind of declined, and it's and
it's and it's devastating to see, you know,
the illness, and, you know, I was told
that God doesn't put 2 people together to
only help 1 of them.
You know, this whole...
Situation has helped me massively to realize why
I never wanna pick up another drink.
Yeah. That's very, very true and especially When
we talk about the importance of sponsorship,
sponsorship being about keeping the person who's sponsoring
Sober while teaching the person who's being sponsored
how to sponsor other people.
And and the fact that you were able
to deal with
that very heartbreaking and disappointing
situation, but not drink yourself
and be able to see the gifts in
that otherwise, very tragic
situation. To me, anytime I hear anybody expressing
in that way, I I feel very
uplifted and very confident that their
personal sobriety is probably fully intact and really
moving forward in a very positive way. So
I think that's something that people need to
hear more of, and that is... I sponsored
someone who didn't stay sober, but I stayed
sober and
until the next person I sponsor
then we'll see if they stay sober, but
I'm not gonna drink. To me, it speaks
to the strength and the working of your
program,
and that you are doing the things that
you need to do to stay sober and
to be of service to other people. And
that... That's a wonderful
place to be. It's... I'm just incredibly grateful.
You know, I've got a very strong sponsor,
and
during this whole process, you know, I've had
to revisit, like... Step 3 in step 7
and do step you know, the the step
3 prayer, a step 7 prayer and, you
know, step 3. I mean, you know, how
how can I be of used to anybody
when I am in such bonded with myself?
Right? So I've got another sponsor who is,
you she she absolutely goes to any lengths,
but she's she's got struggles, you know, in
her life, and I was having to make
sure that I was I was being a
max sim service to her. That's my 1
and only job. Right? It talks about it
in the book to be of maximum service
to to god. Right? But I have a
purpose today. This is I never knew that
I had a purpose, and I had always
wondered why? Why am I an alcoholic? You
know, not... What makes me an alcoholic. I
know now. You know, I... I'm allergic to
alcohol. I have that abnormal reaction. I know
about the mental obsession and the you know,
phenomenon of craving and all of that. And
but I...
I've always wanted to know why, you know,
and it was it was when I finished
my steps, and I became a, sponsor,
you know, I I started to realize, maybe
maybe this was always part of the plan.
This was my higher powers plan. Maybe I
was born
to be an alcoholic. And maybe I had
to go through, you know, a lot of
pain in my childhood and and trauma and,
you know, all of that dark times and
and everything. Maybe I had to do that
so that It brought me to the gates
of insanity and death suicide attempt all of
that kind of stuff to bring me to
the rooms of alcoholic anonymous.
So that I could go through the 12
steps just so that I can help another
alcoholic. Like, that is my purpose today.
And a great demonstration. Of god working in
our lives is everything that you just said.
What a gift?
What a gift it is? And it's in
in and some you work an extraordinary program,
And I've really enjoyed talking with you today
and and having you share your story, on
a a recovery interviews. I honor your sobriety,
and I I wish you many, many more
days and weeks and months and years. And
I appreciate your spending the time with me
today. Thank you so much, Howard for asking
me. What a gift to be able to
sit here today. Again, many thanks for doing
this. Thank you so much. I really appreciate
it.
Well, my friends, that's a wrap for this
episode of Aa recovery interviews.
Thanks to Helen M for sharing her story.
And thank you for tuning in.
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