1 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,020 Hey everybody, how are you? 2 00:00:05,020 --> 00:00:09,260 This is Dave from Oasis Singles and today we're going to be talking about what I 3 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:12,460 think is probably one of the most difficult and sensitive topics of all, 4 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:17,100 and that is the topic of abusive dating relationships. Now, listen, 5 00:00:17,170 --> 00:00:18,300 just because you're married, 6 00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:22,460 don't tune this out because a lot of the things we share will apply to married 7 00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:23,293 couples as well. 8 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:28,300 The tricky thing about a an abusive dating relationship is that you may not even 9 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:32,820 know you're in one. Now, when I was in family court for 26 long years, 10 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:37,100 man, I can't believe it was that long. And before I left the church plant, 11 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:42,260 I met hundreds of couples who were in fact, in an abusive relationship. 12 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,540 Some of you watching this right now, 13 00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:49,380 understand the pain that goes into an abusive relationship, but many of us, 14 00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:52,580 because abusive relationships come in all shapes and sizes, 15 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:57,500 we may not even know we're actually in an abusive relationship. 16 00:00:58,170 --> 00:01:02,380 It's kind of like that lobster that you throw into a pot and it slowly cooks to 17 00:01:02,380 --> 00:01:06,020 death. That's how abusive relationships are. Now, 18 00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:07,940 as we delve into this very sensitive topic, 19 00:01:08,230 --> 00:01:11,980 we're going to be discussing what the signs of an abusive relationship actually 20 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,700 are, and then number two, 21 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,780 how to actually deal with that from a Christian point of view. 22 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:18,340 But I just wanna say, 23 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,580 if you enjoy this video and all the things we're discussing, 24 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:25,860 please hang on to the end and like us, subscribe to us, 25 00:01:26,150 --> 00:01:29,140 share all across social media on this very important topic, 26 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:34,340 and I'll have resources and other article links for you that are related to this 27 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:35,293 topic to help you. 28 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,860 An abusive relationship is all about power and control, 29 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,740 and the victim may suffer one or more of the following forms of abuse. 30 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,540 The first form of abuse has to do with isolation. 31 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:52,340 The abuser is so obsessive and so possessive and so jealous 32 00:01:52,890 --> 00:01:57,820 that he or she has such tight reigns on what the victim does, where she goes, 33 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,980 who she talks to on the cell phone and so forth. 34 00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:05,380 Hopefully you're not in one of these relationships. This is such a, 35 00:02:05,410 --> 00:02:08,020 what I would call smothering relationship, 36 00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:11,100 where that person does not trust the other person, 37 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:16,380 so they have to control the other person by isolating them from their friends. 38 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,300 The second form of abuse has to do with financial control, 39 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,980 and even though you're not living together, 40 00:02:23,980 --> 00:02:26,420 hopefully if you're in a Christian dating relationship, 41 00:02:26,850 --> 00:02:31,220 that other party so restricts that person's access to money, 42 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,780 or they use finances in a way to assert dominance in the relationship to 43 00:02:36,870 --> 00:02:37,703 manipulate, 44 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:42,780 and this can lead to dependency and make it challenging for that abused person 45 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,740 to actually leave the relationship. 46 00:02:45,820 --> 00:02:50,460 A third form of abuse is in what I call intimidation. Now, in this scenario, 47 00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:55,300 that person actually uses body language like facial expressions, 48 00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:56,693 gestures, 49 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:01,320 or even an escalation in this area would also include things like yelling and 50 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:06,320 ranting and and even making threats and smashing items that are precious 51 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,640 to the victim. This is a bad scene all around. 52 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,840 I remember I had a friend who, 53 00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:16,160 his girlfriend came to his house and totally smashed all his 54 00:03:16,750 --> 00:03:19,400 records that he had been collecting over the years. 55 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,640 A final and most dangerous form of abuse and less subtle for that matter, 56 00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,920 comes in the area of physical violence. 57 00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:30,800 This is where that person could beat you sexually abuse you, 58 00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:33,640 it could be against your children. Even oftentimes, 59 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:38,400 that person will come back remorseful, saying, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. 60 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,080 I promise, I promise. Don't send me away. 61 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:44,360 I promise I will never do it again. 62 00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:49,240 And we know that's simply not the case with an abuser. They will do it again, 63 00:03:49,740 --> 00:03:54,120 but oftentimes that person who's been abused will forgive them or they'll be 64 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,200 afraid to report the incident and they'll just leave it as it is. 65 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:02,680 And then what happens is the cycle continues over and over again. 66 00:04:03,650 --> 00:04:07,470 Now, what are we to do in this area of abuse? While Jesus says, 67 00:04:07,470 --> 00:04:09,230 we are to forgive those who sit against us, 68 00:04:09,770 --> 00:04:14,230 he doesn't want you or your children being doormats for someone's violence. 69 00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:15,930 No, at this point, 70 00:04:15,930 --> 00:04:20,430 you really do need to leave that toxic relationship and there's resources out 71 00:04:20,430 --> 00:04:24,230 there for you to use. One of them is the national hotline on domestic violence. 72 00:04:24,580 --> 00:04:29,230 There's a number there, 7 3 7 2 2 5 3 1 5 0, 73 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:33,950 and they'll help you and give you resources on how to end that relationship. 74 00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:37,390 Also, many churches offer that form of counseling, 75 00:04:37,730 --> 00:04:41,670 and we have resources we can give you. If you hang on to the end of this video, 76 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,230 we'll give you links to other articles that you can use for that. 77 00:04:45,610 --> 00:04:49,950 So the first step toward healing from an abusive relationship is recognizing 78 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:50,863 those signs, 79 00:04:51,470 --> 00:04:54,750 recognizing how those signs are manifest in all these different forms like 80 00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:58,910 emotional, verbal, physical, even spiritual abuse. 81 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,990 Watch out for those signs like constant criticism, manipulation, 82 00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:06,870 isolating you from beloved family members and friends, 83 00:05:07,450 --> 00:05:10,430 trying to control you in all these different ways. 84 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:14,390 Once you recognize that you are actually in a relationship like that, 85 00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:19,110 then you could take proactive steps to get out of that type of relationship. 86 00:05:19,870 --> 00:05:23,270 A second way of being proactive and of extracting yourself from an abusive 87 00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:28,030 relationship is to keep in constant contact with your friends and family, 88 00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,030 letting them know what's going on. 89 00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:35,430 You don't have to face this type of relationship alone. You have friends, 90 00:05:35,570 --> 00:05:39,750 you have family members, even your church pastor and your support groups, 91 00:05:39,780 --> 00:05:43,670 your single Christian groups, share with them. Don't be afraid, 92 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,390 don't be embarrassed. The scripture says in Galatians five, 93 00:05:47,490 --> 00:05:51,510 to to cast our burdens and to share our burdens with each other. 94 00:05:52,170 --> 00:05:55,110 That's what it's all about, to be part of a loving church family. 95 00:05:55,550 --> 00:06:00,000 A third way of being proactive in a suspected abusive relationship is to 96 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,480 evaluate your safety. Prioritize your safety above all else. I mean, 97 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,600 if you feel physically threatened or fear for your life, 98 00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:12,560 don't hesitate to contact the local law enforcement or domestic violence 99 00:06:12,710 --> 00:06:16,440 hotline. Your wellbeing and debt of your children, if you have any, 100 00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:19,120 should always be the top priority. Now, 101 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:23,120 if and when you do decide to end that abusive relationship, it's so, 102 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,360 so important to establish clear boundaries with your ex, 103 00:06:26,780 --> 00:06:31,680 and this may unfortunately include cutting off all contact or if necessary, 104 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,840 communicating only through a third party so you don't have to deal with that 105 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,033 toxicity. 106 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:41,240 Sticking to your boundaries and avoiding giving into emotional manipulation or 107 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:45,040 guilt trips is really key in this area. Now, 108 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,800 if you have been in this cycle of abuse, 109 00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:51,920 it's so important to get professional Christian counseling or therapy because 110 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:56,560 this could be immensely beneficial during and after leaving and during the 111 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:57,393 healing process, 112 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,640 a trained Christian therapist can help you work through the healing process and 113 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:05,920 the emotional trauma that you went through and help you rebuild your self-esteem 114 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:09,960 so that you could have guidance on making healthy relationship choices in the 115 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,280 future. I see this happen all the time. 116 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:16,000 Without the right counseling and guidance and prayer and support, 117 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,840 I see people go from the frying pan right into the fire. 118 00:07:20,230 --> 00:07:23,720 What I mean by that is they may leave that abusive relationship, 119 00:07:24,180 --> 00:07:26,960 but inevitably they'll find someone else just as abusive, 120 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:30,080 and then the vicious cycle continue. Now, 121 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:34,720 that third step we just talked about segues into what I feel is the absolutely 122 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:39,360 most important step we can take toward our healing process from such a crazy 123 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:44,280 relationship, and that is putting Jesus back into the center of our lives. 124 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,640 Remember before that, in such an abusive relationship, 125 00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:49,480 it's all about the other person. 126 00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:53,400 It's all about him being the center or her being the center. Now, 127 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,080 we wanna put Jesus at the center, 128 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:59,520 and that's where we can experience real forgiveness, real peace, 129 00:08:00,070 --> 00:08:04,440 real joy, real purpose, real comfort. Don't you want that? 130 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:09,000 I love this scripture in Matthew 1128. Jesus says, 131 00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:14,240 come to me all you who are weary and heavily burdened, 132 00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:16,360 and if you've been in such a relationship, 133 00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:19,680 you know how heavily burdened you can be. And Jesus says, 134 00:08:20,260 --> 00:08:24,880 you come to me and I will give you rest. You will find rest for your souls. 135 00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:29,800 Ah, doesn't that sound good? I love that, and I love this scripture. 136 00:08:29,870 --> 00:08:33,400 It's found in John 6 37, and Jesus says this, he says, 137 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,600 those who come to me get this, 138 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,440 I will never ever drive away. That means no matter where you've been, 139 00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:41,960 no matter what you've done, 140 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,920 no matter what kind of relationship you've been through, 141 00:08:45,450 --> 00:08:50,360 Jesus loves you and he accepts you with open arms. He's there for you. 142 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:54,320 He wants to heal you. He wants to heal you physically, emotionally, 143 00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:58,640 and spiritually. In John 10, it says, he's the good shepherd. 144 00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:03,120 He desires to take you in his arms and love you back to health. 145 00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:06,280 That sounds like good news to me. Hey guys, 146 00:09:06,290 --> 00:09:08,120 thank you so much for popping in today. 147 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,360 I hope you were encouraged even just a little bit. And if you were, 148 00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:15,680 please subscribe to our channel and also in the description below, 149 00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:19,120 I'm gonna have links to all of our different social media that you could share 150 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:23,440 there as well. And I'll also have different articles for you on our 151 00:09:23,470 --> 00:09:28,120 website@oasissingles.com that you could go to that's going to be 152 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:32,160 related to the topic we talked about today. We love you guys so much. 153 00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:35,040 We're here for you. Uh, if you have any questions, 154 00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:38,960 feel free to email me also in that description. God bless you guys, 155 00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:39,880 and have a great night.