You're listening to the living BDSM podcast, episode 3 23. Okay.
The Lord's here with the one,
the only the sadist who beat my ass while giggling
John brownstone and.
Enjoyed every bit of it.
Yes. I noticed,
I noticed I'm begging and pleading for my life and you're like,
yeah, yeah. As it, as it goes around here, mm-hmm ,
mm-hmm this week. Uh, we're not talking about that.
Although I will be thinking about it for a while just saying can I keep
my eyes fully open? No, too relaxed. Anyway, uh,
before we take a break next week, this week, we're gonna do, uh,
an episode that y'all seem to really enjoy and certainly gets my blood pumping.
We're responding to the BDSM side of Reddit.
Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. This is your first time listening.
Glad to have you. If you're back for another week. Welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education and
show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app.
You can also follow the show on Twitter at loving BDSM on fat life at loving
BDSM PC on Instagram. At that handle,
I will forever fucking hate loving DS in the number one it's at loving DS
one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM,
where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday,
all links during the show notes.
Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon,
including our newest peeps.
We're able to keep doing this weird thing on the internet in large part because
of our kinky community. And we are grateful for every fucking one of you.
If you'd like to join our king community and get access to extra content and a
discord server with a group of super cool, super nice gangsters,
you can just join us at patreon.com/kayla Lords.
That's patreon.com/kayla Lords, or use of link in the show notes. Okay.
Before we get into this week's episode,
I do have a couple of legit actual announcements. Wow.
I know one is that this Friday, September 16th,
I checked a calendar before we actually started recording, uh,
is our Friday night YouTube hang out 9:30 PM. Eastern.
We go until about midnight hour time. Uh,
the first 30 minutes is just us like unwinding a little bit.
And then at around 10 o'clock we will take questions and turn it into a Q and a.
And when there are no questions, cuz lulls happen, we'll chit chat.
What do we chit chat about? Basically everything we have had, uh,
hard hitting debates on pie. Uh,
we have a geeked out over whatever TV shows, uh,
hit our, you know, geeky self, um, music has come up.
What else? Everything bacon, everything bacon,
there was a poll last time about bacon and the correct answer,
which is that crispy bacon is the correct way to eat and cook and consume your
bacon one. Uh, did I have to like
be a little underhanded? Sure. But it won and that's all that matters.
Cause it was the correct answer. We were house divided on our bacon, uh,
this Friday, uh,
siloing and X sent us a literal bag of, uh,
dicks candy gummies. They will be consumed, uh, on the street.
Mm-hmm mm-hmm I've been holding them since they
arrived. Uh, the 17 year old is like,
will you save me one of your gummy dicks? I would like to eat one too.
and I was like, I've either done this parenting thing,
so right or so wrong. And I don't know which so, uh,
is it chaotic on the, the third, Friday night?
This coming Friday for the month of September? Yes. Yes. Uh, is it also fun?
Uh, for those of us who stick around it sure is. I'm sure we,
we scare off some folks. That's okay.
We like it when people self select out and go, no,
not this is not for me. It's fine. We're not offended. Um,
and also we try to help, uh,
folks as best we can while having a good time that is this Friday. Uh,
if you're subscribed to the YouTube channel, hopefully notifications work,
but you know, let, let us not hold our breath.
If you're subscribed to the newsletter, email newsletter, I put the link there,
uh, podcast listeners. I put the link in the show notes.
I try to make it as easy as I can to find it for those who want
to be part. There we go. The next announcement we're on a break next week. Uh,
we're not actually not working. You will be in your shop. Yeah.
Left right and center. We're just not streaming that recording. I'm not writing.
I have no dead deadlines for any Lance writing. Mm-hmm that,
that part of it is a week off. Um, so yeah,
we will not be around next week, but we'll be back the following week.
So there you go. Okay. Okay.
So now you are gonna do your part. I'm gonna put the fan back on.
So we don't melt in here cuz uh, you can have autumn vibes all you want.
I support you if, uh, I don't care what your temperature is.
If you need to wear a cozy sweater and drink a hot drink, I think you should,
but it's Florida and we're still very hot. um,
so we are, uh,
doing a BDSM Reddit response reaction. I'm still never sure what to call it.
Um, from the BDSM side of Reddit, uh,
all these questions came from the subreddit called BDSM advice.
Links will be in the places, um, for YouTube. It's just a link to the,
the subreddit for podcast listeners.
I'll link to the different posts if you'd like, but I might just,
maybe I'll just do the subreddit. I don't know.
I'll make up my mind and it'll be a surprise for all of us.
By the time this episode is out. Um,
a big thing to both silent wing and delicate to wine for sending, uh,
posts in basically going you tell me what you think
and I'm, I am good with that.
That saves me from having to comb through weeks and months of the subreddit.
When I, when we're ready to do these, these episodes.
So if you spend time on the BDSM side of Reddit and you come across one and
you're like, oh, Kayla we'll have thoughts and opinions on this one.
You are welcome to, uh, email them links to those to us.
And I try not to lose them in my inbox, delicate.
Twines got lost from the last I received it before the last BDSM
Reddit episode, it got lost in the inbox. We finished that episode.
I was going through the inbox and I went, oh shit,
that is how I have it this time. So, uh, what we do is I'm gonna read 'em uh,
JB has no clue cuz I'm the one that organizes this and then we will
talk through them. Two of them are very similar,
but I still did them both anyway,
because they touch on different parts of a similar topic. So when that happens,
you'll you'll know. And also we're very chaotic today and what are words?
And I can't seem to get them out in the right order.
So this will be interesting. Mm-hmm okay.
Mm-hmm here we go.
Okay. Okay. This one, uh, is called angry that my, the Dom,
this person's the Dom angry that my limits weren't respected.
Say can't work out. If I'm overreacting here.
I had a session with a new sub a week ago. He was keen to rush and meet.
I took some time to gauge his interests and limits and planned accordingly.
He had the place to himself unexpectedly.
So he had a spontaneous meet at his place.
Things went pretty well for our first time. I thought we both enjoyed ourselves.
I got a bit creative within his limits,
made him work for what he wanted and felt comfortable,
bossing him around and verbally abusing him.
I'm not very experienced as a dumb or a sub. I switch by the way.
One of my limits is that I only play sober with sober partners. I'd hate myself.
If I accidentally hurt someone because I'd had a drink. For example,
this is on the profile he saw before contacting me.
I turned down guys who want chem sessions over coffee. Afterwards,
this guy tells me he was high during our session.
He'd taken something before I arrived. I wasn't sure how to feel at the time.
Now I feel pissed off with him and pretty angry on the one hand,
I didn't notice he was on something. So I'm not sure it made any difference.
On the other hand, not respecting the limit is a pretty big red flag for me.
I don't intend to play with this guy again, for this reason.
I'm weighing up whether to tell him why it feels a bit dramatic, but if I don't,
how will he ever learn to respect a Dom's limits? Am I overreacting?
There is an edit. Okay. That I will read later.
Let's pretend we don't know what the edit is.
Okay.
Based on the initial thing, what do you think?
Um, on the initial thing, I think, um,
that's definitely a big red flag. Um, anytime somebody,
um, even, even over the, over the counter medication or prescription medication,
uh, you know, you, as the dominant, you should know.
Right. If thingss going to affect their, their demeanor, their right focus,
their concentration, their, or even.
Their, even their, their pain level. Right. You know,
different things like that. Um, you know,
so many different things that that can be affected. Um,
you know, it, it's something we've talked about before, you know,
regardless of what, what you do, there is a risk in,
in this play mm-hmm , you know,
and you throw something into the mix that
sure. You know, can, can change that risk factor. Um,
it, it, it's definitely something that,
that needs to be brought up before any kind of play.
Do. And I agree. I agree completely.
Do you think knowing that this person had no clue,
like the,
their interaction with the person during the scene did not tip them off and they
only knew afterwards? Yes.
It's still a limit mm-hmm it still needs to be respected.
I have a thought on a little bit of that in a second. Yeah. Um,
but do you think that it's, is it a,
a mistake or is it crossing a boundary? Meaning.
Mm-hmm .
Is it, is it overcomable I think is what I mean.
Um, okay.
Like, don't do it again, like you did it. Okay. Don't do it again.
I mean, I I've got a couple of it. Thoughts on this mm-hmm um,
you know, one of the things, you know,
he mentioned he did not notice anything during the scene mm-hmm ,
you know, that there was, there was any difference. Um,
I, I think this was the first time they played together. Yes. You know?
So how would he notice any difference cuz he has no baseline true to,
to go by? We.
Don't know their gender go.
With they. Yeah. Okay. Um, so yeah, they,
they have no baseline to go by. Sure.
And you know, um, the fact that nothing happened,
I consider that lucky. Gotcha. Okay. Now,
as for this, um, you know, being
unforgivable so to speak, um,
it depends on the person. Sure. Okay. Uh,
you know, they said they were gonna talk to them,
bring it up and, and you know, and I think it's be,
um, what the response is sure. On this,
you know? Um,
that that's definitely kind of disrespecting somebody's boundaries.
I agree. But here and this, I let's just be honest I'll right ahead.
Y'all cuz I'll, put these together after they were sent to me,
but also let, let me point something out.
The only way that this Dom says that that limit was communicated was
written in their bio.
Now I think personally that yes,
you should read a person's bio .
I think that that alone can weed out
people who are not paying attention to the details that are important to you.
Right. I think that is a valid way to go. Are you worth my time?
Did you read my bio? Right? Sure. Okay. I think that's fine. However,
when we're talking limits personally,
I think there should have been, been a reiteration of the limits,
writing it for somebody to read before they've had a conversation with you.
Mm-hmm does not necessarily mean that
they're gonna remember it. If you never discuss it.
Now that being said my, uh,
advice to somebody who's gonna sing for,
with somebody for the first time is before you get high,
maybe check in with a partner and go, I, I was gonna do this. Yeah.
Is this an issue? Mm. But if you don't know, well, okay. You don't know.
So I still think that it's fine for that person to be upset
because they don't wanna play with somebody who is not sober. Sure.
And they did state their limit somewhere mm-hmm but I think
any limit,
but certainly some limits may be important enough that maybe we,
we mentioned them.
Well AB absolutely. Um, and,
and this was something I picked up from when I used to attend the rope group,
um, before play, you know,
ask them, have you eaten, have you gone to the bathroom? Right?
Are you.
Hydrated? You know, was the last time you had water? Are, are, are you hydrated?
Right? Um, have you taken anything? Sure.
And I think you, this person says they're new.
The other person's new mm-hmm , there's,
there's a lot of honest mistakes that just happen when you new things that you
go through and then go, okay, next time I'll handle this differently.
Differently. Now there was an edit. Okay. Some more renounces edited to add.
We spoke and cleared it up. He hadn't read my profile that carefully,
but acknowledged he should have told me before, not after.
And now I know I need to be clear about my limits and interests up front,
everything they say about communication and BDSM is right. Eh, um,
so one yes, of course. I had read that,
but also I'd read the comments and people were pointing out, wait, this,
you only wrote, write this. You don't actually have this conversation.
Mm-hmm I think it's fine to have both again.
I think it's quite frankly, me. I'd be like, wait,
you barely read my profile. There's some important information in there.
Yeah. Um.
But not everybody will be that much of a stickler for those kinds of details.
And that's.
You know, valid. I mean, I, I hate to say it, you know, reading a, a profile is,
is right up akin to reading an email. Yeah. You know,
and gonna glance through it.
I know I don't have a lot of patience for people who don't read emails closely
either, but that's the communications person in me. So I mean, how,
how many times have you out there, uh,
written something down, sent it to the person and then it was clear.
They didn't read it cuz you then had to repeat yourself in a follow up that that
happens to all of us. so yeah.
It's one of those things where I don't think it's a problem to put your limits
and expectations in a, a written format on Fe life,
on your dating profile on wherever.
But I would say just beginner mistake here from the doms perspective that still
weres being a conversation. Yeah.
Because you wanna make sure certain things are clear. Sure. So, okay.
So not ran worthy, but certainly interesting. Mm-hmm okay.
Next one. Okay. This one is, um, a little like,
like it's, it's got depth to it, so. Okay. Um,
and yeah. Okay. Here we go.
Reevaluating my kinks as a woman in my relationship and feeling many things
need advice. Okay. Okay.
I know that I should be talking with my partner about this,
but I truly don't know how to express what I'm feeling correctly.
So I was wondering if I could have some advice.
My partner and I have been together for six months he's act,
he's usually an amazing partner,
but some time ago I found out that he was masturbating to nudes of other women.
I was extremely hurt by this, but I tried to move past it.
Something he said to me that really scares me is that he didn't see those women
as people. I don't know what it is about what he said,
but I feel deeply afraid when I remember that later,
this is a technically small,
but we were watching a movie that he said he really enjoyed.
I noticed some pretty sexist undertones and I pointed it out and he was already
in a really bad mood that day from things unrelated to the relationship when I
pointed them out, he said, can't I just enjoy the movie.
Like he didn't wanna notice the sexist aspects of the movie. I don't know why,
but that sort of triggered me to remember what he said previously.
And I've been just feeling a mix of disgusted fear and confusion.
I'm usually pretty kinky and I'm super into submission being choked,
being a slave objectification.
But I feel like it's suddenly come to a screeching halt.
It's almost like I don't want being submissive to be a de default forced
onto me. And I don't actually want to be not a real person during sex.
And I feel like I sign up for all my kinks,
hoping that there're a special bond between me and my partner. Uh,
and not just the way he ascribes the role of women categorically to be,
I feel horrible thinking about my kinks. Has anyone gone through this?
There is um,
an edit mm-hmm I will read that. I don't remember it now.
So I don't know if it's like a spoiler and or anything, but here we go edit.
There was some really great comments that helped me process what exactly I was
feeling. And you all were right. It wasn't that I'm not into my kinks.
I felt a lack of trust.
I spoke to him about this and he has fully acknowledged how the things he said
had some sexist thinking and he wants to become more educated regarding the
movie incident.
He did say he was having a really bad day and just wanted to thoughtlessly watch
the movie,
but he did realize how he could enjoy it without noticing how noticing due to
his privilege. I really appreciated everyone commenting, blah, blah, blah.
So I think, yeah, the,
the very first thing that comes to mind is to hear the things coming from your
partner's mouth and to immediately have that kind of reaction.
My first thing is, Ooh, there,
the trust something has happened to either not build that trust or
break that trust somewhere because that's a very real valid reaction,
but it's a very visceral one and you kind of have to go what,
what has happened for that to be where your mind went. And it's a, it's a,
it's a problem of trust,
which to me is like slow down your relationship either. Mm-hmm,
keep working on it to build don't do anything kinky until you feel
comfortable or use this as a way to go. Are we really compatible?
Um, since there was a spoiler and I'd forgotten it about the trust angle,
I would like to dig into a little bit,
not the fact that, that she was bothered. I think that's a, a valid thing.
There's, you know, stuff she's gone through stuff she worries about.
I'm not gonna try to argue those points.
Mm-hmm the things that she pointed out that bothered her though.
Right? Those specific things. Not whether she should have been bothered or not,
not even going there. That's kind of the thing I'd like to talk about.
So masturbating to nudes of other women,
which is one part of it and then saying they're not even like real
people to me and.
Where.
Yeah. Where let's start there. Mm-hmm.
.
What do you think?
I, I mean the whole thing of saying they're not real people. Wow.
I know. Wow.
I know it's.
Like, woo.
I mean, I get that. There can be, it's kind of, for some people, uh,
part of the problem with porn, there's a,
a disconnect between understanding that those are real live breathing people
with their own feelings and wants and needs and whatever,
versus a two dimensional fantasy that you can just, they,
you know,
and there's nothing wrong with having the fantasy aspect of it.
But there, I,
I think that it's probably important to understand that your fantasy is also not
the reality and to be able to mm-hmm see the difference between
the two and be able to articulate that is gonna be important when you're talking
to other people about the things you desire.
Because I think otherwise you're gonna come across as a misogynistic Douch yeah.
Even if you're not.
yeah. You're.
Certainly gonna come across.
That way. Yeah. I, I mean that, I, I can't think of the word,
but I mean, that is, you know,
everybody, regardless of, of gender, how they identify,
who take pictures and, and, you know,
post them in places like Fe life or only fans, um, you know,
they do it for their own reasons. Right. Okay. Um,
doesn't make them less sure. Of, of a real person.
On the flip side, people masturbate to those images or videos or whatever,
mm-hmm for their own reason.
And their reason doesn't have to be tasteful.
It doesn't have to be something anybody else agrees with.
It gets to kind of be their own reason. I do think that the, the,
the thing that has to be remembered is when you're gonna communicate that to
somebody like they're gonna, like, I don't know, it's,
it's maybe a more nuanced conversation than I don't even see them as human
beings.
Right. right. Oh my gosh. Oh.
My gosh. Now I do think it's people, uh, from what I've seen on the,
on the internet discourse, people fall on all kinds of line sides of this, of,
you know, masturbating to other images or to videos or to whatever.
And my thing is, is that while I personally don't give two fucks,
if that's what you do,
the reason I don't give two fuck is cuz we are open and we talk about it.
Mm-hmm if this was a thing that bothered her and she never said
it, she needed to say it right.
If she had said it and said, I, I don't like this, like,
I don't care if you masturbate or, or whatever that conversation is,
but you know, this bothers me in some way. Um,
then I feel like, well, are we in you just violated a limit?
You just did a thing. You said you would not do now.
There's definitely a separate conversation to be had about policing your
partners, masturbation habits. Yeah. That's a different conversation.
And I have strong opinions about that, but so a part of me is like, okay,
was the upset because it's a thing that before he said that these
women were not even people to him, which yeah. Okay. Just no, no, we,
we don't. No, that's probably not the best thing to say. Um,
had it ever been communicated, um, about
masturbatory habits mm-hmm um,
could this person have known that they were going to do something that upset
their partner? If it was never said them? I'm not.
I understand if somebody's like,
but a lot of people are automatically upset about that.
It's you probably should just assume, but I'm also like, no,
we're all grownups here. If you're grown up enough to play with kink,
you're grown up enough to have a fucking conversation about do you that's true
masturbate. And here's how I feel. And here's the thing that I think, you know,
maybe would bother me or here, you know, how do you,
like you can have those conversations, right? So I, again,
there's no right or wrong here on her being upset about what she saw and
what he said. But I do think it's like, mm, that should have,
that needs to be a conversation, but also, mm,
deeper conversation about let's not police, our partners masturbation habits,
right. Masturbation is not cheating. I think,
I think the living BSM audience would know that,
but there are way too many people who think that
masturbating and even halfway thinking of another human being that is
not your partner is air quote cheating. Like, yes.
I have strong opinions that it's not, it's not at all. okay. So then,
um, the next part was the movie and it having sexist
undertones and him being like, I just wanna enjoy this movie.
Can I say as somebody who yes,
absolutely can pick apart a movie sometimes and be like, oh my God,
this is ridiculous.
Sometimes I just wanna watch a movie too. kinda,
I feel like it was one of those things where there's already something going on
for her, where her trust is drastically diminished. Just not even there, maybe,
you know, broken completely mm-hmm .
And so then it becomes everything takes on deeper,
meaning then maybe it would in a diff you know, if things were different. Right.
But I can't be mad at him that in the moment he was like,
I don't really wanna talk about the sexist this movie. Can we,
can we talk about that later? Yeah. Can I just enjoy, I mean,
some of us just enjoy trash media,
I'm not gonna tell you secretary was the best representation
of BSM. I will never say that. I'm gonna say,
can I please sit here and watch it? We can debate it later,
but right now I'm feeling a way about what's happening on this screen. Right?
Because your fantasies can be completely different from how you feel about
reality, because true. My fantasy has,
I don't fantasize often, but when I do there's so much degradation,
like there's so, and in the fantasy, it's not even consensual, like it's,
it's, it's dark up in the brain.
Sometimes I would never want that in real life.
I might not even wanna see that portrayed in media in some way in a movie or a
TV show. Mm-hmm like, I might not even be comfortable with that.
Yeah. But what I fantasize about and what gets me hot and turned on
a hope does not like somehow represent who I am as a person.
And how I think that, you know, people in general should be treated either.
Yeah. Again,
this goes back to something has happened either in her past or between them.
And trust is just crumbling because everything takes on deeper meaning.
Yeah. But also outside of this,
when you're not kind of going through something and maybe you're with another
partner where the trust is established, let's be clear.
The things that turn us on excited us are mindless media are not always
representative of who we are as a person.
You can like trash movies and still be an
open inclusive, and, you know, uh,
welcoming human being to other human beings. You know what I mean? Like I just,
yeah. I, I, I sympathized with him there.
Yeah. I, you know, I mean,
you can pretty much watch almost anything mm-hmm
and find something to pick apart about it. Okay.
Mm-hmm um, you know,
that doesn't mean to say that there are things out there that are so blatant,
you're like, whoa, this, you know sure. Kind of, but you know, if,
if you look hard enough, you can find something in almost anything.
Oh sure.
Because the media that is made is made by human beings who are out there
existing. And we, even,
those of us who are trying very hard will definitely have some beliefs,
some opinions,
some ways of looking at the world that are not as open and inclusive as we even
would like them to be. Mm-hmm um, yeah, I think I, I,
the thing I'm curious about in this whole situation is,
was he aware before she finally talked to him that something
wasn't right. Mm-hmm,
not the extent to what was going on for her and how she was
feeling like he wouldn't have known that till she said something. Sure.
But had something happened where he might,
if he was kind of paying attention and I I'm all for both
partners paying some fucking attention in our relationship mm-hmm ,
um, that something wasn't quite right,
because it's one of those things of,
are you so oblivious to your partner that she's clearly going through something
and you're like, I'm just having a bad day.
I wanna watch a movie and never once go is everything okay. Right.
And I know not everybody knows how to read other people like that.
And if you haven't been together long enough, it's even harder.
Cuz you don't quite know your partner's typical baseline of behavior and mood.
And like I get all that. Yeah.
But was this something that was just sort of being completely hidden
and he's clueless and just trying to live his life imperfectly, uh, clearly, um,
or was he just completely oblivious and obtuse and just let,
let her clear be somehow kind of level of upset and never questioned it.
If it's that I'm less impressed cause then it
becomes all these things that start adding up together to create a,
an idea of the character of this person. Like we can all have trash opinions.
We can all not care about a thing in a moment we can all in artfully word
something and it upset the other person mm-hmm that can happen to
all of us.
But also if this is happening over and over again and it's
upsetting your mood at some point I need to be, oh, we are just enough to go.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. I mean, you know, it, it,
it does say and know that they had been together for just six months mm-hmm
, which is not a long time mm-hmm you know,
so they are still in the, in the learning yeah. Phase.
And, and not that you don't learn throughout, I mean,
hell we we're together now, you know,
feels like forever and we're.
didn't sail again. We're still didn't say it like no.
Saying that we've been together forever should be followed by birds, uh,
Twittering and the harp playing and the light brightening up and probably butter.
Rainbow don't don't forget the butterflies sliding. Yes. Yes. Okay.
And glitter somehow glitters in the air. I don't know how, but it's there. Yeah.
That, that's how you should say that in reference to us but yes,
like I get it there's they are still learning a lot and quite frankly,
I'm I I'm the edit.
I'm glad they talked mm-hmm I'm glad that he was willing to talk.
Sure. And it took some of that in,
because that to me is an indicator that maybe that they can,
they can move past this.
Together. They, they can work through it. Yeah.
Because if the end result is she tried to have a conversation
and he blew her off,
then that tells you what you need to know about this relationship. Now,
before we move on, there is a third part about her concerns about,
um, being submissive and wanting that,
but also seeing him through this lens of all this misogyny and sexism,
mm-hmm, how to rethinking her submission and you and I, I think,
and experienced gangsters, I think will already understand the difference here.
The difference is she was fearful of something that was clearly, uh,
lacking consent. And what she is turned on by is the stuff she consents to.
And that's a big part of it. If she's not trusting him,
maybe she is now maybe not. Yeah. But at the time of writing this,
there was clearly a breakdown of trust. There was a breakdown of communication.
Correct.
And she was imagining him to be a certain type of
person. And that certain type of person does not respect consent. You know what?
My little subby feels would've dried the fuck up to it is ,
uh, being in that kind of environment with a person that you don't trust and you
don't think will respect consent.
Mm it's hard to let go of control and let them do yeah.
Some things to you. So that makes sense to me that you felt that way. Well.
Yes and no. I mean, you,
you said the word assumptions mm-hmm , you know, and,
and assumptions come from, not knowing. Sure. And right. And not,
and they're not, and not communicating. Right.
But I also understand if you have built this,
you're having these feelings in your head,
you're seeing all these little details come together and you're crafting this
story in your head of who this person is.
Mm-hmm and what they think and what this means.
And that's a person you're trying to have a relationship with where you are
submissive to them. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That, that, uh,
river's going dry, right? The fuck up. It's not even a, a for,
I can relate to that because for me, it's not just a, a fear of it,
of what might happen. It's a, I don't even want to,
because the picture she's painting in her mind of this person and it might be a
very accurate picture. I don't know.
Mm-hmm is somebody who's not gonna respect her,
not gonna respect her submission. Not gonna respect her as a human being,
somebody she can't trust. Yeah. And that's, I, I,
it's sad that in that moment she was like, what's wrong with me?
Maybe I'm not as kinky as I think I am when it's,
instead of understanding that that was a,
a direct response to who she perceived this person to be.
And it's, it goes back a little bit to the,
when people ask the question of how can you be a feminist and a,
and a submissive and you know, with a male partner, well,
it's about choice and consent. Like submission's not being forced on me.
It's not subjugation. It's not an expectation.
That is because of the fact that I'm a woman it's,
there's mutual respect we're equals in this and there's trust.
And I get to choose it of my own free will.
And the Mo and clearly the moment she was like, am I am,
do I get to choose this of my own free will?
Or is this what he thinks relationships are like, mm-hmm,
that desire was just no longer there.
And I don't fucking blame you. And I think that that's,
there's nothing wrong with using that as a sign y'all is this a person I
should be with? Well,
if you are dreading the act of submission or domination with that person,
because of who you think that person is. Yeah. I think that's a sign.
Do they work it out? Does, is it a miscommunication?
Is it her previous bad tapes for her? Who knows? Who knows?
But yeah. I mean, sometimes just let me watch the trash movie.
We'll debate it later. Okay. Yeah. Mm. Okay. Next question.
Ooh. This one sounds like one thing, but let us get through to it. Okay.
Cause its something else. Okay.
My husband just told me he's a Dom and I'm seeking answers.
My husband together seven years married three and a half just
told me he's been in a dumb sub relationship for 10 years.
Initially I was very upset and thought he was just cheating,
which I have past trauma with.
We had a healthy open conversation so I could get more info as I'm unfamiliar
with all of it. And I'm feeling more understanding, but curious,
he said it's not intimate or sexual.
And they have boundaries and are respectful of sticking to them.
He explained it in a way I understood,
but I still want more info as someone who is not into this lifestyle lifestyle,
will we be able to maintain a happy relationship and make this work?
Is anyone else in our relationship with one in the lifestyle and one not how can
I support 'em and also make sure I feel secure and comfortable.
I don't wanna lay down the hammer, but I'd like to understand more.
Let me just say something. Y'all known one another for seven years,
you've been married for three and a half and he's been in a power exchange
relationship with another human being for 10 years.
10 Years. And you're.
Just now finding out, look, kick the whole motherfucker out.
Okay. Just because here's the thing, the question is not,
can I be in a vanilla relationship with somebody who is in a power exchange and
make that work? The answer is yeah, you could,
but how the fuck do you trust him?
Right. Seven.
Years. Right. And never mentioned it. Mm-hmm.
.
Like been hiding a big ass secret.
Right. And that, that is seven fucking years. That is a big secret. And cause.
It's not about having the relationship. It's about hiding it. Yeah.
And lying about it. Right. What the actual.
Fuck. I mean, you know it it's um,
yeah. Wow. Um, are you fucking.
Kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah. Um, wow. That blows my mind.
It, it really does. Um, yeah, that,
that should have been a conversation way before.
I've decided that maybe we can, I can see something and I've,
I'm feeling a connection to you. I have to tell you this thing about me. Right?
So that you get to make fully informed choices for yourself. Right?
That's what this motherfucker did.
He took away his now I don't know spouses
ability to choose this life,
to learn for themselves before committing in a very legal
way. A very civil government, red tape kind of way.
He took that choice away.
From her rumor. Yeah. So.
It doesn't matter if yeah. In other circumstances you could make a work. Yeah.
I think if we're not looking at the fact that lie or liar pants on fucking fire,
take that out. And we just look at the question. Yeah. Is it difficult as fuck?
Absolutely. Right. Is it gonna be the right choice for everybody? Hell the fuck.
No. Mm-hmm just because open relationships NoMy whatever,
whatever are finally kind of getting more attention still does not make the
mainstream. It should not be an automatic expectation.
Mm-hmm whether you're kinky or not,
everybody should have the right to go. That is not for me. Let me yeah.
Uh, move myself. I, I find it. He.
Took away her fucking.
Choice. I, I found it kind of, I ironic that, you know, he,
he tells his partner that, well,
you know, we, we were, it's not sexual. It's not intimate.
And we respect boundaries, but not theirs. It's not theirs.
I respect the boundaries of my submissive, but not my legally married spouse.
Yeah. Yeah.
Make that make fucking sense. Oh God.
Why is this person not more pissed off? Right.
I would like them to please be more pissed.
Off mm-hmm mm-hmm because it's like the, the trust,
the respect and the honesty seems to be okay in the
relationship with the submissive, but not with his wife.
But see, now I have questions. Does.
This dismiss him know? Right.
Is this motherfucker in the middle going? I'll just have whatever I want.
And I won't tell no damn body.
And I wanna know what kind of person you are that you can lie with a straight
ass face for a minimum of seven years, but maybe 10 years, maybe the,
maybe the SIM just level. I can't,
I can't automatically assume that now because you literally been lying to the
person you are now married to mm-hmm the entire,
the entirety of the relationship knew it when you met him
and didn't think you should say anything. That's a,
I want my fucking cake and eat it too.
I don't have to care what you think I'm gonna get what I want.
Want the best of both worlds without the hassle. Yeah.
And also I've now got questions.
A person who can have that big of a secret and have apparently a relationship
that could survive 10 years, seven of these, this, with this other person,
having a partner. I wanna know, uh,
how the hell you lie with such a straight face. Yeah. Because you've,
most of the time when somebody starts cheating and lying or, or has been,
or whatever it crumbles because they fuck up. They, you know,
they get a detail wrong. They crumble under the pressure.
Like whatever something happens
that that doesn't seem necessarily to have been how
this went down.
So this person is a stone cold liar.
Yeah. How could I ever believe another word that came outta that person's mouth
and I'm sorry from this, this is perspective. I like, I get it.
And this is tricky cuz I know plenty of people who have found kink while they
were married and started a relationships with other people and they were,
they were cheating on their, their partner and it was, you know,
there were all these factors and it's,
it's nuanced and it's difficult and it's not a black and white,
like you're all bad. All good. Like it's, it's not that I get it. I get it.
I get it.
But as a, as a submissive with trust issues,
cuz I can only speak from my perspective. Yeah.
If I get to watch you lie to another
partner for the entirety of the relationship about me.
Mm-hmm how the fuck do I ever think you're not lying to me at some
point. Cause you're too goddamn good at it.
Took this person seven years to find out you're too fucking good of a liar now.
Mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm Nope. On the other side of that,
mm-hmm from my perspective, I know not everybody sees the world the way I do.
Yeah. But I just are, are you fucking getting me
throw the whole person out with trash? Just.
Clean.
House. Oh yeah. And the reality is to the actual question being asked.
Yeah. You can cause power exchange. Isn't always sexual.
Mm-hmm it's very intimate, but it's not always sexual.
It's gonna require just like any other, no monogamy situation,
a shit ton of communication. Being honest about your feelings,
working through your own feelings, figuring out your boundaries as you go.
Um, cuz the thing you thought you were okay with,
you might not be okay with when it actually happens.
Like all those things are true.
But if we are not starting from the baseline of total fucking
honesty, Nope. Throw the whole motherfucker out.
Anything you'd like to add to that one. There was, there was the Kayla rant.
Okay. Uh, this question,
this one is gonna be similar to one in a couple like towards the end,
but we're gonna do 'em separate anyway.
Mm-hmm cause they hit on different parts of this kind of
conversation.
So here's this one afraid about being older when starting out there are 33
female, first of all, 33 is not older. Okay. I still remember 33.
I was a great God year. Nothing about it. I was not old at all.
Nothing about that. Made me older. Nothing. Just,
I just wanna put that out there thirties. You hold onto them.
You cherish your fucking thirties. They're gone too soon. Okay. Here we go.
Afraid about being older when starting out 33 female. Hi.
Does anybody have some reassurance to give me?
I've probably been interested in kink slash BDSM for as long as I can honestly
remember. Although I've always loved sex.
I do find talking about it very difficult.
I was never in an environment where sex was acknowledged as something that
exists, uh, even let alone BDSM fast forward quite a lot of years.
And I married an utterly,
utterly unsatisfied with my sex life and I seemed to lost all sexual connection
with myself.
I've worked at myself and my communication skills a lot throughout the years and
realized what I really feel I need is sex, including BDSM.
I love my husband very much, but he's not going to be able to help me with this.
I have his full blessing to explore this on my own though.
So I'm going to my first munch this week. I'm so excited, but also afraid,
which is normal.
I suppose I feel like an absolute beginner and an age where I feel I'm supposed
to be more experienced.
I don't even really know what I'm looking for either and will be short to
express that.
Honestly I'm afraid people will look down at me for being closeted for this long
because that's honestly what it feels like.
I also know I'm probably overthinking this a lot,
but I didn't get to wait this long before exploring this part of myself without
the help of my anxiety. All nice.
But also all honest words would be much appreciated.
So when did I figure out any part about my sexual stuff? 32,
I had to kick the previous husband to the fucking curb and then went well,
let's go do something about this. uh,
while it is not everybody who turns 30 something that goes, oh,
I'm gonna figure out my sex life. I have met a shit ton of people. Yeah.
Since the age of 32, uh, who have gone through something similar,
they were either in their thirties, sometimes their forties, fifties,
sixties beyond mm-hmm because life fucking happens and we live.
If you are in Western society and culture at all,
we live in a society that demonizes sex,
hardly anybody gets good sex education. We certainly don't talk as a,
as a general rule openly and honestly about sex. And so, you know what,
if you're in your thirties and you're just now figuring out what you're into and
going, you know what I'd like to have better sex than I'm having.
You are not alone. Quite frankly,
anybody who can come into like start from their teenage years into
adulthood with a sense of who they are sexually and kink and bism whatever,
whatever, whatever you are more fortunate than, you know? Uh,
and we are all very happy for you,
but we don't understand you because most of us .
How old were you when you kind of finally went? Oh.
Well, I mean, for me it was a little different. I was,
I was doing kinky things in my twenties. Mm-hmm
had no understanding of what I was doing and why I liked it. Right. Okay.
And it wasn't until let's see,
probably wasn't until my mid to late thirties. Mm-hmm.
there's something about those thirties. Yeah. It's not universal.
I know that mm-hmm my hand.
There's a lot of us that in our thirties we went wait and.
You know, um, I, I either, I mean, yeah, 33.
I'm like what you are that, that person is not old. No.
No.
I, I have seen
recently a number of people coming into the lifestyle in
their sixties.
Oh God. Yeah.
All right. And, and starting to explore this. So, you know, no,
there's no age limit. You don't have to be a certain age to ride the ride.
And nobody is, first of all,
if anybody is judging you for how old you are,
because figuring out your kinky that they have just shown themselves to be a
raging asshole. Mm-hmm because the reality is,
is the vast majority of people that you're gonna come across,
especially like a month, regardless of what their age is now,
they probably did not start exploring on some level until
they were older. Yeah. Sometimes it's post divorce.
Sometimes it's after some like wild thing in life happens.
Sometimes it's after a milestone birthday and they go, fuck this shit.
I'm gonna go live my life. Right. You know,
all kinds of things happen to us in life, from childhood folk going forward.
That inhibit us in some way.
And for plenty of people that involves our sex life,
our kink life exploring things that the world has been telling you in
overt and very subtle ways is deviate and wrong.
And what the hell's wrong with you for wanting this? Like,
it takes a pretty strong person to overcome that and go, you know what,
fuck what everybody's been telling me and teaching me and showing me I'm gonna
forge my own path. And for many of us that comes after,
certainly after our twenties, like I, I hear people go, I would love to be,
to do my twenties again.
Mm-hmm mm-hmm would the wisdom of my forties and more money.
Maybe, maybe.
But to do a re be that no, no,
I was no mm-hmm I probably, if I had known,
then what I know now could have had better sex,
but I don't wanna be that uncertain desperately trying to
figure out my way in life, but definitely sure.
I was not quite getting it right. Ball of fucking nerves.
Like I'm still a ball of nerves. We know this, but
32 year old me could go, you know what?
I'm gonna write about my sex life on the internet 22 year old may have been
like, we can't even write that down in a private journal.
What are you talking about? Like, what are you gonna think?
Those thoughts let alone communicate them to however
many people might find it on the internet. Yeah.
Like it's it's and I know again, that's not, not universally true. Everybody,
you know, goes through life and their own path and their own time.
But I just have met so many people.
So about those early thirties, whether it's 30 or 32 or 35,
something about the thirties,
that's where a lot of people kind of go let's do something different. What,
what I've been doing, hunting and working mm-hmm . And so the,
the reality is, is when you go to a bunch,
unless you happen to be in a community where the vast majority of the community
just happens to be younger. I'm thinking of Gainesville.
When we go to a community of, in Gainesville,
I'm the grandma in the room sometimes. Like it's been a while since I've been,
but it was, it's now a strange feeling to go. You could be my child I'm,
you know, I'm officially at that age. Right? Yeah.
Those communities might have a different that might skew a little different
because they are younger. Cause it's a, a town with lots of younger people,
but in other communities where you're walking in and you're like, oh shit,
that person could be my dad. Okay.
it's a good chance that most of the people in that room were yeah.
Thirties, forties later before they figured it out.
Nobody's judging you for that. And if they are judging you for that,
they're the asshole. Right. So yeah. And please let,
can we stop call it thirties older? As far as King's concerned,
I just need y'all to stop. Okay.
I plan to still be doing this shit when I'm in my seventies and eighties,
like I might be rolling up there Maack or nudging you in your wheelchair or
whatever we're doing. I don't know. But like I plan to, like,
I still don't want to, okay. If I, my eighties,
I am feeling compelled to go to a munch.
I'm gonna be a little cranky but like,
I wanna do this until I just physically, mentally,
emotionally can I like when I'm dead,
I wanna stop doing mm-hmm whatever we're doing. Yeah. So yeah,
let's, let's fuck off with that notion that there's too old for this.
And please, for the love of God,
if you're in your 30 stop calling yourself an elder king star.
If you wanna call yourself an elder ster, I mean,
you can call yourself whatever the fuck you want.
But those of us who are older than you, we are giving you side.
. .
Like, what are you doing? I don't even like, I'm not even,
I think it's okay. Like I would call you an elder king star,
not because you're in your sixties,
but because you've been a part of your community and lifestyle and been actively
trying to figure out this kink thing for yourself for about 20 years now,
little now. Right. I think in that, in that vein,
you're an elder king star.
Like you remember a time before 50 shades and you remember a time
before you, there was fat life and before the internet,
well .
Right. So.
I don't even, I feel weird. I have to, I,
I just realized like the past few months that I've understood myself to
be a king star and started exploring kink for 10 years now.
Mm-hmm and yet I don't, I understand I'm experienced in,
on that level 10 years. Yeah. It's not nothing,
but I still feel like I've got so much to fucking learn. Yeah. You know,
so I wouldn't call myself an elder king star.
I'm still, I'm still learning. Um, you know, I thought it was funny. Um,
number of months back, somebody, the first time at the month,
they were in their early twenties, um, called me a veteran .
Oh God. How'd that feel?
Uh, it was weird. It, it was a weird feeling .
So yeah, just 30 threes. Not too old.
Yeah. No, not at all.
You shouldn't get any judgment at all if you do, they're the asshole. Right.
And also, yeah,
I like there's something about those thirties where you go fuck it.
Mm-hmm and then forties,
if you are the type of person to have that personality shift a little bit where
you finally go fuck it. If you did it in your thirties,
forties becomes even easier. Like, I, I still had lots of fucks in my thirties.
I have fewer fucks to give in my forties. Excuse me. So I'm hoping for,
for even maybe no fucks in my fifties. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
So next one. Uh, oh God, this one,
this is technically really quick and simple. Okay. Uh,
it also like made my eye Twitch. So, uh.
Oh.
Using a purse considered to be air quote, not submissive,
huh? Okay. So I've been in the DS lifestyle for 20 years now,
while I understand that over time things within the lifestyle can change.
I have never heard of this being a thing. So I wanted to get some input on it.
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who used to be in the lifestyle
for many years.
I was telling him how excited I was to get the new purse that I ordered from
Amazon. His reply was your Dom is letting you have a purse.
Why would she let you have a purse?
All that's going to do is distract you from your tasks slash duties.
When you're with her out in the community,
having a purse also makes you not appear very submissive as it should be your
dominance responsibility to carry any financial things you need,
like cash cards, IDs, et cetera. Your focus should be on her.
Not fumbling around with things in a purse. Fuck right.
All the way off .
This is giving one true way. Energy. Yeah. That it's,
it's the same level of, there's only one right way.
MRSS not allowed to carry a fucking purse. First of all,
if I don't carry the purse,
where is JP going to put all the things he wants me to carry?
There you go. Quite frankly, I, I was gonna say, um, as,
as my submissive, when she has a person like, oh,
Hey baby girl here carry this for me. I.
Actually got you carrying a leather bag of your own, cuz I was like,
I love you so much. I'm really tired of carrying your shit. But.
No, my my stuff was heavy too. So I'm, can't deny that.
I'm per you wanna know what El,
this is the same energy also as dominance,
can't perform oral sex on their partner. That makes them not.
Dominant. Yeah.
You're a dumbass. If you think that I'm so sorry. You know,
I don't usually say things like that, but I'm gonna say it. Okay.
If nobody's told you you're a dumb ass, let me be the one. Uh,
I would like you to go sit with your dumb ass self.
Why you think these kinds of things would ever be true?
Why you would then spout them off to anybody else as if what you
believe in,
what you might do in your dynamic is what anybody else is supposed to fucking do
in theirs. Yeah. And then I'd like you to fuck all the right way off. Just go,
just go and come back when you're less of a fucking dumb ass.
That is what I'm gonna say to that.
What.
Yeah, what.
What.
I know. I mean, that, that, that was pretty much my first reaction. Um,
you know, what the fuck.
Wow.
Anything can be turned into a submissive item or a submissive task or a dominant
item mm-hmm or a dominant like form of control, any fucking thing.
So if in your dynamic you don't want your submissive or your submissive is
willing to not carry a bag or carry their own wallet so that
you, the dominant can be in charge of that.
And you negotiate that and they can send to it.
And you're realistic about it because sometimes you're really gonna want them to
have be able to like pull out their own goddamn ID. Um, fine.
On the other hand, if you're like, actually it's an act of service.
If you carry this big ass bag, baby girl,
and I'm gonna hand you all my fucking shit.
y'all before he got his own very noise leather bag.
It's gorgeous. I don't have a bag. That's as worth, as much as his leather bag.
Okay. You've had it five years. It still smells like leather.
Mm-hmm it's mm-hmm beautiful. Anyway,
before he got the bag, baby girl, can you hold my wallet? Can you hold my vape?
Can you hold my phone? Can you hold my sunglasses?
Cause maybe we weren't in the car anymore. Oh,
can you hold the little bottles of vape juice? Cause I'll need to refill. Oh,
I'm carrying this little multi tool. Cause we're
my per I don't carry a lot of shit. My perks it's my wallet is my phone.
Maybe a couple little things like I.
The rest of it was mine.
Okay. The, and it,
if you want to negotiate that as an active service and you do that,
you get to fucking do that. And you know what, if,
if you wanna do neither of those things and be like, carry your goddamn bag,
I'll carry my own bag. We're too adult ask people who can carry your own shit.
You get to do that too.
We're fucking kidding.
Me. I know. I know. I mean, yeah. You know, I,
I can see it if that's something they want in their relationships, but.
Then to just say that everybody.
Has to, but that everybody has to yeah. Is, is ridiculous. Ridiculous.
Just no, just fuck you.
Of course you wrote in on just put your own goddamn bag.
Just move the fuck on. Right, right. That was easy. Okay. This is our last one.
Okay. And it's very similar to the it's similar vibes to a previous one. Okay.
Okay. All right.
Middle aged little mm-hmm in the past six months or so I've
unlocked a daddy kink welcome.
I'm 43 year old woman leaving a toxic and emotionally abusive marriage.
I don't age regress, but I enjoy the tender dominance, uh, of,
or a daddy in and outta the bedroom. Rest assured not my husband.
Why rest assured I don't man. Anyway, uh,
I guess my issue is looking for a daddy and coming out for a caregiver little
relationship. It seems that everyone is so young.
Either the daddys are young 25 to 30, or they're looking for young under 25.
I read that BDSM, especially caregiver little is the state of mind.
But if that's the case, what's this geriatric little supposed to do,
not to shock anyone, but at 43,
things are not as firm or as per perky as it used to be.
But why should that exclude me from the kink? I crave it.
Doesn't I want to know where you've been finding these people cuz yes,
they exist. I have, I have been on the internet before.
I have definitely seen 19 year old dads. And while that won't do it for me,
it'll do it for somebody else. And so no judgment, even though I,
I got questions, but da daddy is a vibe. Caregiver is a vibe.
It doesn't age doesn't mean things. Little can be a vibe too. Okay.
So, but yes,
there will be younger people looking for even younger partners.
Mm-hmm that's always gonna be true. Okay.
But I need to know where this person's hanging out. That they have,
they have believed that they're geriatric. I know little honey,
you are a, I'm almost 43.
So you're less than a year older than me.
I'm not a fucking geriatric. Well I'm,
I'm still fighting off the idea of middle aged. Even though when I do the math,
I'm definitely middle aged, but I don't fucking like it.
Progressive lenses and high blood pressure and all. Okay.
oh, okay.
But I know that a lot of people in the caregiver little space,
especially who are on the little side mm-hmm when they're new will
be like, but I'm older. You're right.
But if daddy's a vibe, then Little's a vibe doesn't mean squat. That means shit.
Okay. Right. Because whether you even, whether you age your grass or not,
does not matter, it's it's exactly what this person.
So I identify very strongly with what this person is looking for because it's
the kind of thing that I unknowingly was looking for.
And I think that there are plenty of people, uh, regardless of age,
who would identify with this and there will be little to age aggress and they
will have slightly different parameters they're looking for, but this, you know,
the Tinder dominance. Yes.
Please guess what those people exist
of all age ranges.
Mm-hmm all sure they do all age ranges and all genders cuz daddy's
alive. Okay. So of course, if 33 is not too old for fucking kink,
then 43 is sure shit. Not too old. Yeah. To figure out your little side.
But sometimes we gotta expand our horizons about where we're looking for folks.
True. You know, if you're like,
I don't have experience with dating apps and I am so fucking grateful.
I don't cuz it sounds from.
Every, from everything I've heard about dating apps, it's, it's a, it's a scary.
It sounds like my worst nightmare but I,
I understand that if you get into spaces,
whether that's an app or it's a certain part of the internet or a certain side
of a platform and you feel like you're surrounded by all the same type of
person, it's easy to believe that that's all that's out there. Um,
it might be that older people are going to the lunch or they're going to a club
or they're just not where you're currently hanging out online to find
potential partners.
Or they're not in the groups that you're in online.
Like if, if you don't, if,
if the place you're in, doesn't have the people you're looking for,
then it's time to go find a new place to be. Right.
And that's easier said than done. I get it, get it. Okay.
um, but, but we're out,
we're out here and you're not fucking geriatric at age 43. No,
I cannot allow myself to believe that because I'm about to be 43 .
There's, there's nothing,
nothing on the clubhouse door BDSM that says you have to be a certain age to
join.
Right. You don't have to be a certain height to ride the ride or a certain age,
uh, legal.
Well legal adult.
That's that's the minimum. Right.
Right.
So yeah. And I think,
I think part of it is recognizing two things at the same time,
one that all of it's kind of a vibe like there's,
mm-hmm there are specific activities you can engage in,
in any part of power dynamics and you know sure, sure.
That's what a master does. That's what a daddy does.
That's what a like whatever, but it's also the vibe of a person.
So absolutely somebody in their twenties,
technically even somebody 19 can give off daddy vibes.
And at the same time you could be like, yes,
but also I, at whatever age,
I am want a partner in a different age range.
And that can also be true at the same time. Um, we have a, a very dear friend.
I don't, haven't talked to her in a very long time,
but the last time she and I talked about finding a partner,
she'd gone out looking specifically for people who called themselves daddy and
was for several years, very disappointed. And I finally said,
there's no guarantee this will work.
But how about you go for the type of person who's given off the vibe,
fuck what they call themselves.
You can talk to them about whether they would be okay with being called daddy
later or it like point them in the direction of here's here's what caregiver
will is and let them, you know, gauge their own interest.
But you really want the vibe, right?
Like I know plenty of people who call themselves daddy that, Ooh, no, thank you.
Uh,
you are not as good as the gross shoe gum on the bottom of my shoe.
Thanks. Like you can call yourself any fucking thing you want. Yeah.
Can you actually be it?
And she was running into a lot of people who like to title,
but didn't like any of the responsibility mm-hmm mm-hmm no,
thank you. So when.
You walk the walk and not just talk to talk. Yeah, exactly.
So, yeah,
but I need these people to stop calling themselves too damn old for kink.
I know.
Like I just, I know, I.
Know like we, we got to stop this shit. I understand. And this is, uh,
not scientific. There's no actual, I'm sure there is data behind it,
but I've never like, I don't have the real like hardcore data.
I know that our audience skews a little bit older,
like I know younger people listen and watch and I I'm, I think that's great.
If I can help you avoid having to be 32 before you fucking knew how to have an
orgasm and call yourself a, I want to help you do that.
but anecdotally I know our audience skews a little bit
older
and so I'm kind of hoping that some of these older people who just
they're in spaces where everybody's younger than them will,
like whether it's us or somebody else whose audience skews a little bit older
and the kink space's like, come, come to our pool party. Okay.
We're cool kids too.
and we will also commiserate with you when, you know,
uh, body parts start not working quite right anymore. Yeah. Due to age and wait,
that thing you could do in your, your twenties, you cannot do anymore.
Let's learn how to do new things.
And also I don't have fucking time for games because apparently I'm a geriatric
baby girl.
just has to run out of fucking time in patience for this shit.
Like again,
the shit I would've put up with in my twenties will never fly in my forties.
Mm-hmm like, you're fucking kidding me. True. True. Uh,
and I think that's a little bit of the benefit of getting older.
Thank you very much. So yeah. Uh, if you come across yourself,
anybody who online in the spaces you're inhabiting and they're complaining that
they feel like the oldest person in the room, let them know there,
there are spaces out there for them. We're we're here. Okay.
.
So, uh, those were the, uh,
Reddit post that were sent and one or two that I found myself.
Um, thank you. Silent wing. Thank you, Dewan. Thank you. Those,
if you frequent the BDSM side of Reddit, uh,
there's a contact page on the loving BDSM website.
You can just send us a link and I will try not to lose it and save it over.
next time we do these, um,
that is it. Okay. Um,
a short little bonus section. Yeah. I've already lost what words are .
Okay. All.
Right. So are, are we, are we good? I don't know.
I dunno.
I don't know either,
but was some interesting questions and I know some conversations.
I'm pretty sure there were about,
about 10 million things I meant to say or should be saying and of not.
And it's one of those days. I know.
Uh, I know. Okay. Okay. Keep, keep the.
Kinky Al we will not see you next week, but we will see you the
do.
Yes, baby girl.
I talk to the crickets please.
Hmm. An interesting question.
I think I should be put up for debate.
do you really wanna debate me.
Right now at this point in time? No. Right.
So, I mean, there are times when nobody wants to debate me.
Not because I'm the smartest in the room or even the best debater,
but because I can keep talking, even when everybody else has run out of words,
that's true. I'm not making any fucking sense while I'm doing it. .
I can keep, but you, but the words are still spewing. Yes.
I will know that all too. Well.
I will let everybody ride my train of thought around the track a few
times and I'll win by default. didn't make the strongest.
Argument just by all right. All right. Enough already enough.
Go ahead and talk to the crickets girl. Thank.
You, daddy.
So let me do a quick check in cuz somebody was low energy and not feeling well,
even though I think what he does used the last ounce of his energy to beat my
ass and I'm here for it. Mm-hmm uh, how are you feeling?
Um, like I could go take a nap. Well.
Maybe you should cuz somebody was a nice,
nice lady and offer to go get the 13 year old from school today.
I have work to do. And I'm I'm gonna miss a day tomorrow too. And.
Yes, cuz what are we doing tomorrow? We're pampering ourselves. Yes.
For the first time in literal years.
Years.
We, uh, it, yeah,
we had hoped to have done this and I think we were trying to do it in August
before school started back, but they were booked solid for several weeks.
So we are getting a couple's massage.
We have not had one of those since before we moved in together.
Mm-hmm pre 2014 was the last time we got a couple's massage and
we're getting like super deluxe ultimate.
Like they're pulling out all the stops we're paying for the very expensive, uh,
pedicures together. We have not gotten those since pre pandemic.
Cuz the last time we tried to go get pedicures together, the um,
one of the men who worked at the nail salon shamed you or.
Attempted to shame, you attempted to shame me. Yeah. Yeah.
You were like, you can't fucking shame me,
but you can't annoy the shit out of me. Mm-hmm .
And I'll never give you business again and I'll be sure to tell others yeah.
About it.
And then the pandemic hit and everything kind of closed down and we didn't have
any money. Right. Then either cuz things were happening and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
And so I didn't worry about trying to find someone and even after everything
opened up and then I was like, uh, I would like a pedicure,
would you like a pedicure? And it was somebody cause you were like,
not at that fucking place. I'm like, no, no, no. Yeah.
I stopped going there after that as well.
You, you.
Yourself stopped. There were other issues,
but mostly I couldn't even stand to look at that particular person's little
Beaty face anyway. Um, so yeah,
we found a place that kind of does it all and they even advertising their site
that they do couples things mm-hmm so like is not unusual for,
you know, somebody to call up and be like, I'm can I bring my husband? You know?
So we uh,
we scheduled that weeks ago. Yeah. Um,
paid the deposit now the appointment's on Thursday, all we,
we accidentally double booked ourselves.
Our ice maker in the refrigerator is finally getting fixed.
Yeah. We, we finally broke down and called the repairman out to look at it.
Mm-hmm and uh,
after I went online and scoured numerous YouTube videos
about icemaker and what you can do to troubleshoot and everything I did to
troubleshoot came into a veil. So I got tired of hauling bags of ice. Yeah.
We, well I think we said last, did we talk about this last week?
We're basically all of the life annoyances that we kept putting off were doing
them all at once. Yeah. This is one of them. Um,
and when they came out and diagnosed the problem, uh,
there's a heating element in icemaker it's what allows the ice to melt just
enough to come off of the thing that makes the ice mm-hmm that
doesn't work comes.
Out of the ice trays. Yeah.
Where, um, in technical terms insert them here. I don't know. Anyway.
So they were like, oh, we have to order the part. We'll come back in a week,
blah blah. Set the schedule.
We're both standing there when the person goes Thursday between 11 and one,
we both go, okay, now grant, I was scrolling on my phone,
so I probably was not listening that closely and then it was like,
we got through the whole damn weekend and into Monday and I'm looking at the
family calendar that someone assigned me the task of making.
So we could keep up with everybody's fucking schedules. And I went,
oh shit, no between 11 and one, we'll be doing something else.
And I'm not rescheduling.
That no, it took.
Six or eight weeks, seven weeks to get it like something.
Crazy as well. Yeah. Something like that. You told me. Yeah.
And so, yeah, cuz I was calling at the end of July,
hoping to get in in August and not until September anyway. Um,
and so we called and so now they're coming tomorrow between three and five,
which gives us plenty of time.
Our appointment for massage is at 11 or pedicures are at noon.
Please feed me at one. Then we'll come home and it'll be fine. Yeah. Um,
so yeah, we're.
Since I'm taking down, I'm kind of looking forward to it. Um,
everything from the past year has finally been catching up to me.
Oh.
God. Yeah.
And not in a good way. Mm-hmm so yeah, I'm,
I'm kind of looking forward to this.
Mm-hmm I am looking forward to it and yet my anxiety is like
ramping up a little bit.
Cause it's been so many years since I got a massage mm-hmm and I'm
like, well I know what to do. Will I know what to say?
What if like what will this be? Like,
what do you mean I'm gonna let a stranger touch me? Like ,
I'll be fine cuz you'll be there, but it's still a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Um,
so yeah, that's coming. Um, but yeah,
we're looking forward to that and then we're busted ass on Friday.
to make up for, for not working on Thursday. Yep. Um,
I'm getting my hair done next week while we're off. True. So when we come back,
it will be the,
hopefully a better length than the correct shade of purple . Um,
I'm gonna do purple this one next time.
And then I think I'm gonna change up the color.
I cannot decide if I want to go to blue or if I wanna go to like
a magenta E hot pink kind of color, I haven't decided,
um,
we did also decide assuming we enjoy ourselves at this
massage and we like the vibe of the place and the people we will schedule to the
best of our abilities based on their availability,
another massage after the holiday season, when we take that two week break,
because mm-hmm, , it's a great problem to have,
we are going to be balls to the wall,
busy for the holiday season because somebody makes really good fucking
kinky toys and people seem to like them and I am a goofball on the
fucking internet and people seem to like that and we find the people who think
the toys are good and that we're hilarious and they yeah go, sure.
I'll buy a thing and they're buying things and we're about to be very fucking
busy. It's I'm so excited.
Like I have to put a supply order in today for boxes that might get us through
the holiday season. Yeah. And my geeky ass self is like, yes,
I get to order boxes. I'm so excited.
We ordered a tape dispenser.
like an actual investment and a tape dispenser. And I'm like, I, I,
I love this thing and I would marry it if you could marry Anani animat object
and I was not remarried. Uh,
I'm happy to be in an monogamous relationship with you and my tape dispenser,
so.
Okay. Okay.
Anyway. so yeah, we got stuff going on. .
Yeah. So you have a hair appointment next week. I have a doctor's appointment.
Next week. Well, I have lab work, but yeah,
I sort of have a doctor's appointment.
Next week. Thanks. Thanks to this person here. Um, finally switch doctors.
Well,
you had done the thing that I do and I recognize it when other people do it.
Cuz I do it.
You had built it up in your head that it was gonna be harder and more and made
you more anxious. Cuz the doctor he had was just didn't listen,
didn't actually explain anything to him.
Like just the vibe was off and I went to one of your appointments and went,
oh God, I can't wait to leave. It's not even my.
Doctor. I, I,
I specifically wanted her to come with me because I want, you know,
am I overreacting with this? Am I knowing.
You the way I do? No, you're not.
So we needed to transfer care and we go to a doctor's office that has multiple
doctors. It's really, really easy to do it, but you just have to do it. It,
and you had gotten kind of in your head about calling to say,
I wanna make an appointment, but I wanna transfer care. Yeah.
And then I used their online portal messaging system cuz I knew I
needed to set an appointment as long I was having all the headaches,
but I did not have the battery power to
make a phone call. It was like, I just can't.
I just don't have it in me to make this phone call and talk about this.
So I went on the online portal and saw that you could message to request an
appointment.
And I did it and it was seamless like within a day I had it scheduled.
It was fine. So I was like, wait one, uh, JB,
I have your login for your online.
Portal. Mm-hmm too.
Let's see if we can do this. And so it took a little bit more back and forth,
which was so funny because I'm in his online appointment portal,
patient portal thing for this office. But he's getting the email notification.
So I was like, I'll handle it, but you gotta let me know if and he would go,
I got an email from him. Nothing. Wouldn't go click. I'd go. Okay.
And I'd go in and they'd have a follow up question. And so, uh,
we tried to transfer you to one doctor she's no longer at the office. Right.
So then got you into the,
and it even says on the appointment transfer of care appointment, you know,
here's like basic whatever. And didn't have to speak to a,
so took essentially the equivalent a five minutes because of the time it took
to actually send the message done and the moment it was done and I could say it
was done.
Like I could see your shoulders go from around your ears to like back to where
they're supposed to be. Yeah. It was like, but I get it.
Like it's so easy to build up what you think it's gonna be like in your head
that you then don't wanna do it at all.
Cuz you want to avoid mm-hmm whatever you think it's gonna be
like. And I was like, there's gotta be an easier.
Way. I mean I've, I've had experiences with doctors where, you know,
so you kind of have to advocate for yourself. Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Okay.
But this guy was just like.
I right or wrong from this person's multi-decade
experie working with patients when we called to make the initial appointment for
E for ourselves at this doctor's office. And I said,
I need to make an appointment for my husband, blah,
blah mm-hmm they did what I think that they do a lot of times he
went, oh, we'll put him with this doctor. This doctor sees a lot of men.
Like it was, oh man, man here.
And so I,
if that is how at this practice they have done that to him.
Mm-hmm then I think that he based on his experience with
lots of men, expects men to behave a certain way,
which that's not fair to everybody else. Cause we're all individuals. Right.
And like stop treating everybody like a stereotype or a cliche, first of all.
But second of all,
he strikes me as one of those doctors who has the been there, done that.
I've done this so long. I already know what the answer is.
I don't even have to ask a lot of questions.
So I already know how you're gonna react.
And I'm gonna talk to you a certain way.
This is how I get through to my male patients. Yeah.
And maybe that works with some of 'em.
I would bet it does not work with as many as he thinks it is. Right. But it,
it not only didn't work with you,
it made you not wanna go get yourself, checked out.
You prior to this doctor, you're the reason I was getting,
um, annual like lab work and, and well checks.
Not for like gynecology, like I've done that, but like everything else,
I'd never gotten my cholesterol tested until I met JB. And he was like,
but I go every year to the same doctor and this guy put you off so
badly that you're like two years overdue. I think I know. Yeah. I mean,
he even was like, you might need to take, you know,
you seem to have slightly high cholesterol.
You maybe you need to go on high cholesterol medicine.
That's not how the guy said it. No, but I think that was his intent.
But he said it in such a way you were like, I no, no.
He basically told me I'd be dead before I walk outta the office. Right.
like, so you had all of that.
And it has meant that at a time when taking care of our health to the best of
our ability and accessibility is extremely important.
You've not wanted to do that for the first time in your adult fucking life.
Mm-hmm mm-hmm that's bad healthcare yes.
Yes. Yeah.
So you're going to see my doctor who, um,
I like her a lot because she listens, right.
She, we, I was in there for all my headaches,
which are partly related to needing the new glasses cuz I needed progressives,
whatever, whatever, but also, huh, high blood pressure.
And I'm finally had high blood pressure medicine,
even though I have fought that shit but,
and it seems to be working in the headaches are going away and,
or I'm not having those frequently. Let's put it that way.
But while in there I talked about a whole host of other symptoms and
perimenopause and I'm my OB,
my gynecologist is no longer at the office I had been seeing her at.
So I either have to find a new one or try to follow her around the state.
I don't know where she's going into practice. Uh, next.
So I was talking to my primary care about this and about my
symptoms. And she's like, I really want you to see your gynecologist about this.
I don't feel comfortable doing all this. Um, and then we were,
we were going into that and we're talking about all of these things and never
once did she say, you know, if you lost a few pounds,
these symptoms might go away. They wouldn't it's per menopause. Okay.
but like she talked to me about the thing I was in there to talk to her
about and she sat and she listened and she made eye contact.
As I spoke, I was like, I like you. I like you. Yeah.
She explained what the high blood pressure medicine would do for me other than
just reduce my blood pressure. Because in practically speaking,
I don't give a shit.
I don't know my blood pressure for moment to moment mm-hmm but I know my
symptoms. I know I have excruciating eggs. I know I have this. I have that.
I just that's. We all deserve doctors like that,
but we don't all get them. Right.
So right.
You, you are getting one.
Yeah. Yep. Set. So that's what we're doing.
Over the.
Course of the next couple weeks. I'll I'll be off to the doctor next week. Um,
we went to Barnes and noble
past weekend.
We know how a spending problem at Barnes and noble it's the second time we've
gone and, and not a long span of time.
And we've spent over a hundred dollars each time.
That's we went from never buying books that weren't 99 cents and only getting
them from the library. Right.
Or buying them for 99 cents to going to Barnes and noble
. I don't lot.
Of books, we, we have, we have discovered a,
a good number of books that, you know, we wanna own,
we, we wanna own and have, um,
one of the books that I got was the new Stephen King fairytale.
Yes. And you tend to eBooks, you fly through oh yeah.
Physical books tend to take you longer a.
Little bit. Yeah.
This well, cuz you follow asleep while you're reading this true.
This one I'm like by the weekend I might get to actually read it.
Yeah. This, this book has, I mean, I'm a fan of Stephen King.
I've read most of his writing and, and I,
I,
I love his writing and this book
has totally engrossed me. Oh.
My God. You're like, we're not watching star Trek tonight. I'm.
Sitting here reading. I, I mean, prior, prior to getting these books, I,
I had been, uh, binging, uh, star Trek,
strange new worlds.
Mm-hmm and while it is formulaic in the,
in the star Trek genre, I've been enjoying.
It. He only said that because I said,
I only wanna watch a little bit at a time because it's formulaic.
And so I get bored with the formula and his face went. I mean, it is, but,
but that's what I like about.
Right, right. I mean the one,
the one difference I've noticed in it. Mm. The red shirts don't die.
It's true. Yeah. Not a lot of people. Well, people die,
but it's usually the other people.
Yeah. It's not the red.
Shirts or now wait. There was,
there was the guy who had been helping to fly
the enterprise and he got left behind when they had to
cut off access to part of the ship when they powered it down.
And I can't remember who the fight was with the Gorn. Yeah.
Was he wearing a red shirt? Cause he was the only one to.
Die. I don't know. I don't remember. Now he was wearing a red shirt. Don't know.
Don't remember now.
I think a red shirt died.
Yeah. But, um, I, I have been really,
really enjoying fairytale. Um, you know, I,
one of the things I really love about Stephen King and,
and one of the things he has done extremely well in this book
is he, he is an excellent world builder.
And as, as a reader,
um, I, I become invested in the characters. Mm-hmm,
in the book and, and that's something that I really,
you know, look for in a book. And, and I,
I have founded in this.
Well, that makes me feel good because when we, we went to the,
the store and bought so many books,
mm-hmm I finally joined the Barnes and noble club membership club.
and.
It's paid for itself already. So it's worth it,
except we were never going before.
So hasn't really paid for itself or are we spending more money than usual?
Anyway, I've justified it, it paid for itself. Anyway. Um,
we actually also bought, um, is it 11?
Is it 11 20, 2, 63 or 11 23, 62.
I can't remember the full name of the Stephen King book,
but we read it years ago. We got it in the library.
And even though I don't remember all the details of that book anymore.
Well, I, I have it in ebook.
Oh, I, no, I read it. I got it from the library,
physically read it and I wanted a physical copy of the book. Yeah.
And we now have it and I, I will.
Reread, I mean, that, that's another book I would reread in heart read. I'm.
Not a reread either,
but about half the books we've purchased lately have been books.
We read from the library or an ebook format. And I went,
but we have bookshelves now I would like to own these books. Right.
And so I'm becoming a reread. Um, like we bought the Deborah hark,
uh, uh, series whose name now escapes me, but it's about witches.
And I love, like, I know there are people who.
Discovery of.
Witches. Yeah. I know there are people who really hate those books. I'm like,
maybe it's trash, but I love it. Give,
give me more trash mm-hmm mm-hmm um, but I,
and I have not watched the show.
They did an adaptation and I've not seen it don't even care to. Um,
but yeah, we pulled that book off the shelf,
like there's that whole Stephen King section in Barnes and noble. And, um,
I don't care about the horror stuff. It doesn't like, I've tried to read it.
I don't.
Really care, whatever, whatever I've read most of it.
Yeah.
But we pull this book off and there is a woman on a couple of shelves down and
it's big honking book. Yeah.
She goes.
That's a big book. I'm like, holy shit. It is. I'm like, but it's so good.
It's worth it. And I was like,
and did I just become a person in a bookstore who talks to strangers and gushes
about books and encourages people to read them.
Also though, I'm being reminded. The bookstore is like my happy place,
because we walked in that time.
And the first person who happened to just look up and be like a human being in
the bookstore with me immediately went, oh my God, I love your hair.
That purple is so cute. And I was like, thank you.
And then the next person we happened, they weren't,
they didn't come up to us to talk to us. They were just in the vicinity.
I'm showing, uh, you that book a call, uh, by Jeanette. Mckerty,
I'm glad my mother died. Yes. And I'm gonna get that from the library,
but I would like to read it and I'm like, I've heard, this is really good.
And I'm talking about all the reviewers that have said.
It was really good. And somebody, some.
Rando ladies, like it's so good. Yeah. yeah.
And then I'm telling that woman about this Stephen King and I'm like, who,
who am I? And who am I becoming? I don't know.
I know introverts United the bookstore.
I only at the bookstore the last time I went to the bookstore and spent a lot of
money there too. um,
I got into a conversation in the line with a lady who,
before we got into a conversation, her resting bitch face game is strong.
Cause I was standing there going, oh my God, this woman's a bitch from hell.
Which makes me wonder what she was thinking a while,
looking upon my resting bitch face. And next thing I know,
cuz we're each holding these like major stacks of books and she's talking about
an author she loves. And I'm like, oh, well I like, um,
who was I telling her about Diana Gaden in the Outlander series. And I'm like,
I I've owned it. And then I gave it away. And then my mom bought me the,
and I'm telling her how bought again. And I own 'em again,
I'm gonna reread 'em and she goes, oh, I've had to do that before.
And we're like just basking in each other's bullishness
well, I,
at that time I was profusely sweating because it was very heavy books that I was
carrying around. um, and I just,
both times I walk out of the barns and noble going, who am I?
Who am I becoming? What is happening here? So
yeah. Okay. Um, oh, I see a question from selling. Thank you.
11 22 63 is name of the book. It's an excellent read.
It will be a reread for me. And so that says for all the books, you guys push,
have you set up an Amazon affiliates page on your site yet? Uh,
Amazon affiliates kicked us out of their program a few years ago. Yeah. Um,
we are affiliates with bookshop.org and I put books that we
recommend, but I never, I don't promote those links.
Mm-hmm and I have not updated the books we recommend in a very
long time. Yeah. But yeah, uh,
we tried to be an Amazon affiliate and they kicked us out of the program because
they didn't like us. We were too explicit even though loving PSM.
Clearly we talk about kink and we get into the details and the weeds is not,
we were pornographic and I'm like, what? We don't, we don't do that here. Yeah.
No. So, but bookshop.org. Yeah. Mm-hmm that's if,
especially if you're trying to get away from like buying from Amazon and you'd
prefer not to and whatever,
whatever bookshop.org I've purchased from them before, too.
Mm-hmm so, okay. Well we're gonna stop.
I know for folks who are not readers, you're like, oh God, I'm so bored. Sorry.
Uh if you're curious, what do we read? I love historical fiction.
Mm-hmm um, fantasy, some young adult, but not a lot.
I'm currently finishing up a sci-fi fantasy series by Valerie Valdez.
Mm-hmm , which is so much fun.
Uh it's like reading an action movie,
like it's so fast paced and there's like shit happening and I fucking love it.
Um, and then like the odd, like,
I don't really do contemporary much. It's rare. Um,
I like some Stephen King, like there's some authors that I like. Um,
I like paranormal stuff to a certain extent. Mm-hmm what's.
Your I'm I'm I'm a big sci-fi mm-hmm reader. Uh,
love most sci-fi books, uh, fantasy mm-hmm uh,
some young adult mm-hmm and um,
not a whole lot of horror genre, but definitely, uh,
uh, Stephen King and Dean KO's fan mm-hmm.
yep. Oh, and I'm a romance reader,
but I don't really like contemporary romance historical.
I like to feel like I'm learning something while I'm being entertained.
I now you're not really learning anything it's fiction,
but it makes me feel like I'm learning something also I've realized I enjoy
reading historical fiction because it's not anxiety producing those people are
already dead. I know what the ultimate outcome.
Is. Right.
How we get there is the interesting bit. Yeah. Um, yeah.
I had to learn that the hard way, but why I like historical,
why I'm drawn to historical fiction mm-hmm but I'm really tired of
reading world war II, historical fiction. I won't even touch 'em right now.
I'm like burned out anyway.
We've gone completely off track and as asylum rightly points out,
we get into books during the Friday night Hangouts. Yeah.
And maybe we'll do a bit of a show and tell of some of the books we've purchased
recently. Mm-hmm if anybody is interested, um, we should go. Yeah.
Okay.
Okay. Thanks for being here to the better end. Thanks for joining us.
Hopefully we'll see here. Talk to you. How does that work? Uh,
for the Friday night hangout mm-hmm um,
if you miss the September 20, 22 Friday night hangout,
we do these on or try to on the third, Friday of every month,
every once in a while we have to shift a schedule.
But for the most part we're pretty consistent. We should go now. Yeah. Okay.
Bye. Bye.