You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode
episode four eighty one. Kayla Lords here with
the one, the only,
the,
you do look like you should be, head
of a boy band with that mic. John
Brownstone.
I haven't gotten used to it yet. Yeah.
You know?
Okay.
This week, we're gonna start a new series
based on,
the session we did for this year's Dom
Sub Dynamics virtual summit that is on conflict
in power exchange. And we're starting
with what, conflict can look like and feel
like and what can cause it in your
power exchange. Yikes. I know. I know. It's
a fun one. It's a fun one. Mhmm.
And it'll be fun reliving our old conflicts.
I can't wait. Oh,
boy.
We
Welcome to Loving BDSM podcast. If this is
your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Friday, and show
notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often, and feel free to add
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show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC
on Instagram and technically threads at that handle
I will forever fucking hate. It's loving d
s and the number one, so at loving
d s one. On blue sky at loving
BDSM or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm,
where you can watch us live stream the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes.
Okay. Before we get into this week's,
topic, got some announcements.
Next week,
a week from the day of this recording,
May 6, the first Wednesday in May. I
don't know how other ways to, like Help
it. Like, stick for anybody who's like me
and is like, what date and how does
time work?
We are going to our summer
livestream time for anybody who has not been
around for very long.
It's Florida hot, and we're already getting to
Florida hot. And the room we record in
is the hottest in the summer, the coldest
in the winter.
And so for the summer months, which is
more than just like two months, it's Florida,
y'all,
and climate change is real. But,
we stream later in the day because this
room
becomes unbearable.
Mhmm.
So
that starts next week,
May
at 8PM eastern.
For folks in, like, across the world time
zones, I am so sorry. I am so
sorry. We do this every summer now, and
I am so sorry. I know for folks
who are like, oh, I kind of, like,
could do this after my dinner and you're
here at a time or I could I
know. I know. We will miss you. And
when the weather changes,
we'll be back to an earlier time. I
I don't see us
ever staying with a late time of day
because we hit a point usually about three
or four weeks before we go back to
our old time where we're both like, oh
my god. Can I have my Wednesday nights
back?
So it's just until it's not hot as
blue blazes outside.
So that's the first thing. 8PM
eastern. Live stream starts
May 6, May.
And hopefully that means for folks who can't
usually catch a live stream, we'll be at
a good time where you can.
The second announcement is that the very next
week
after
we switch time, we won't have a livestream
or a podcast episode at all that week
because we're traveling.
We will remind you of this. Don't worry.
Again. And we're traveling for more than thirty
six hours, so I'm very proud of us.
That same week,
which will
be the week we'll be taking off is
May 13. Look at me knowing dates. Yeah.
I wrote them down and quadruple checked them.
We won't have a livestream. We won't have
a podcast episode that Friday, but we will
have a livestream that Friday, May 15. So
we will remind you of all of this,
but it just means that we're gonna, like,
switch our schedule up and then switch it
up again temporarily and then come back to
a new time. And everybody's gonna be confused.
And if you are confused, don't worry. You're
not alone. Hell, I'm confused. I will be
confused. Will I remember what time we're streaming?
No. I won't. Will I remember that we're
not streaming on a certain week? Probably not.
So don't feel bad. Okay. So those are
the announcements.
Now as for this new series, and we're
starting the topic for today, all that good
stuff.
The series was inspired, I said this earlier,
by the session we did for the twenty
twenty six Dom sub dynamics virtual summit. That
is a mouthful,
on
repairing your power exchange after conflict. Because conflict
is inevitable, it a 100% happens.
And much like I think definitely last year
and I think the year before,
the time constraint we're given for those sessions,
I was like, there's so much more to
say,
more than even what I edited out of
what we did say. So we're gonna start
a series that's based around that topic. Now
if you would like to see our session
and every other session,
from the twenty twenty six summit,
Replays are available for purchase. I wanna say
it's $99 and then you get everything
that every session that was part of the
summit if you're so,
if you're interested in that. This will be
the long windy conversation
over a few weeks
of what we managed to condense into thirty
minutes for the summit. So,
and that was from, like, the hour recording
we did. So that was a lot a
lot that got left on the editing room
floor, so to speak. So for anybody interested
in that, the link is in the places.
The other thing that we created specifically for
the session, but it lives on our website
and will will be great, especially for this
week's episode on the topic of conflict.
We have a page on our website, lovingbdsm.net/conflict,
link in the places, where
we're gonna touch on a lot of topics
that we've done entire episodes on, where where
we just deep dived into the minutia of
that specific topic,
because they're all parts of where conflict comes
from and what causes it and what you're
gonna do about it when it happens and
how to handle it and all that. So
there's that page. It's now on our website.
It's been on our website, and it links
to different episodes where
when we talk about being angry, we've got
episodes about dealing with your anger as a
dom or a sub. When we talk about
decision fatigue, we got an episode on it.
So you can use that page to go
find all of those previous episodes for any
of these subtopics that you want to hear
more about or know more about.
So
there's all that. Now we can actually talk.
So I broke this up into
two sections for this first,
episode in the series Okay. Which is what
conflict can look and feel like.
Mhmm. And then as many of I could
think of, and I'm sure you'll add to
whatever I've missed, and then y'all will have
your own,
sources of conflict,
which many of them are sources of conflict
in any relationship and some are specific to
power exchange.
But we're gonna we're breaking it down like
this.
We're this I feel like the series is
important. I I felt like the session was
necessary for the summit because
one of the biggest lies people tell themselves
when they get into power exchanges,
if I just do everything my dom wants,
this will be perfect. Or if my sub
just does everything I ask them to do
and I can control every single moment of
this relationship,
nothing bad will ever happen and we will
never be miserable. We will never be mad.
We will never be hurt.
Lies. Those are lies.
We are people. We are humans with our
own wants, needs, feelings,
traumas, stuff we gotta deal with, and conflict
is
inevitable.
You have not done power exchange wrong if
you are a submissive who is pissed off
at your dom because why did they do
that stupid thing they know they shouldn't do?
I don't know why either
to is human. Okay?
You are not failing a power exchange. If
you as a dom, look at your sub
and go, I thought they were an intelligent
human being. What has happened to them? Right?
Like,
you don't say those things to them. We're
not talking about being harmful, but
we all get to have those thoughts in
our head about people we care about
because
conflict happens. Because? Because.
It will happen. Now in a in an
ideal world, you go through the conflict, you
learn from it, you work hopefully, you work
through it together and you don't have to
deal with that kind of conflict
over and over again.
Certain
forms of, like, going at one another, if
it's happening all the time, that's a sign.
Like, what are we doing here? Something's not
working.
But just to have
a moment where you are upset with your
partner or they are upset with you
does not mean that you are doomed and
that this is all failed. This is part
of it because it's a relationship.
People interacting with one another no matter how
much they might care about one another will
a 100% get on each other's nerves. Okay.
And that can cause conflict. So
that's my lecture that I I feel is
necessary for all kinksters to be reminded of,
especially newbies. So let's talk about what it
can look and feel like and I'm just
going to name what I listed and then
okay. So there's anger. I think that's the
one most people think of. You think of
conflict, you're pissed off. You are mad at
the other person.
There is sadness
to feel hurt
or and hurt feelings. Those those sort of
not it's not anger, but it's still a
negative emotion that that can be it's very
rare that JB hurts my feelings, but when
he hurts my feelings,
it's always unintentional. But I'm gonna have some
deep sorrowful
feelings before we can have a conversation
about
it. Guilt or shame? Guilt is usually about
something you did,
and in that case,
the other person might be the one with
big feelings that it Or didn't do. Or
didn't do. And shame is usually about how
you're internalizing your feelings. That those are very
broad definitions for nuanced topics, but in general
the, you know,
as simple explanations. And shame is one we
don't really like, shame's not a good one
because it's like it's internalized now. It's about
your viewing yourself and your self worth, but
when you have those feelings,
it's either happening it's happening for all kinds
of reasons. One of those reasons can be
something that was said to you by a
partner, something that they did that
triggered this feeling, brought it out, whatever.
And sometimes you are having these feelings and
then you react
upon those feelings, which might not be your
actual reality. You are feeling
shame about something you did or did not
do and
you are lashing out at your partner. Guess
what? Guess what? We now have conflict. Right?
But lashing out at your partner is one
of those. You don't, you know, you don't
take criticism well or you feel like
you interpreted a question that was asked as
criticism or as an accusation instead of the
question that it was.
Or you just haven't your communication skills are
real rusty or real new or just real
damn bad and that's
what comes out of your mouth. Right?
Withdrawing from your partner.
I am the queen of this one. If
I am in if I am upset by
something or I interpret something going wrong,
it is I'm real quick to get real
fucking quiet. I know nobody ever believes it
when I say that I can get quiet.
It's true. But it's actually a source of
what the hell is wrong most often. And
that's not good either to withdraw because now
we've got a lack of communication, and that's
not gonna help. No. What say you about
the what conflict looks and feels like regard
we hadn't gotten to what causes it, but,
like
what it looks and feels like. A lasher
outer. Yes. I am. I'm a withdrawer. Correct.
That's not good when you're both pissed off
by it. No.
No. No.
No. It's it's a bad combination in that,
in that aspect. Yeah.
Yeah.
Not But, you know, like I was gonna
say earlier, when this one goes quiet,
there's some serious cock happening. Like, I have
all kinds of reasons I might go quiet,
but one is usually I am I'm feeling
big negative feelings Mhmm. That I don't feel
safe to express, I don't want to express.
I know that if I express them,
she will not do it submissively.
I have my own, you know, childhood traumas
of,
you know, that go with that of why
I would not feel like I could express
myself or that it's not safe to express
myself. Those are things that I'm working
I don't I don't think there's a better
or worse, but as a person who does
withdraw and who is triggered by being by
loud voices and yelling, the fact that JB
is a lasher outer and we are still
together just proves you can get through things
and you can learn how to navigate these
things because Yeah. He will raise his voice
and he's not even mad at anybody. And
I'm over here having, like, a full body
jolt of
what is happening. But when we're
going back and forth with one another,
it
it is very easy to misinterpret
what the other person
means by what they're doing or saying or
the tone of their voice or the lack
of
communication
and then we just sort of add our
own personal stuff onto what we think that
means and now this moment where we literally
just didn't understand what the other person was
saying
becomes this,
like, gnashing of teeth, go to separate corners,
having whatever feelings you're gonna like, when I
when he
gets loud and it sounds to my ears
as aggression,
I have one of two responses. When I'm
feeling real safe and real with it, I'm
loud back. Mhmm. You don't no. Well, I'm
not doing that. But when I'm not feeling
that way, and that will have nothing to
do with what we're going through, what the
topic is. It might just be whatever is
going on in my weird head today.
When I withdraw, it there's a fear element
that is
not anything about what JB just said or
did. He didn't cause it. It's my own
stuff, but I'm still
reacting from that place.
And now this very simple thing happened today,
and it was very small. It was over
in a blip. It's not a a conflict
in the long drawn out way I think
people think of it.
JD
came in
to tell me something,
didn't use words. He was pointing at a
thing
while he had earbuds in so he couldn't
have heard me anyway. My I had not
been focusing. I did not even know he
was there until he started making noise.
I was so unaware that there's anybody in
my space that when I turned to him,
I didn't immediately, like, my focus didn't immediately
switch to him to understand what I was
looking at.
And so we're both getting annoyed with one
another because not I can't understand what he's
saying. He can't understand why I can't understand.
It was thirty seconds. By the time it
was done, I knew what the hell he
was trying to tell me, and we were
both like, well, whatever.
We went up to our separate corners.
And see, I came I came at it
and and this was my fault
under the assumption that this was something we
had talked about a while back
and that you should just know what it
is that I I meant. You pulled a
me. You started that conversation in your head
and you only looped me in at the
At the very end. Back end of it.
I do that to him all the time.
I mean, truly, I have started a conversation
from my brain to my voice in mid
sentence before,
and that's why we need to buy lactose
free milk was I still remember that. We're
in a parking
lot in Walmart. Can I can barely remember
what it was on the front side that
I was thinking about, but I because you
looked at me like I was a crazy
person because I just randomly said that? So
communications
problems
are are big source of why there's conflict,
and we will get to that.
But, you know, I think a lot of
times we think of conflict and we talk
about conflict
as some
long, drawn out thing. Maybe it's hours or
days or weeks before you resolve it. And
some sometimes
and sometimes it's these blips
in the day where one of you misunderstands
the other. One of you is in your
feelings about something completely separate,
but a thing has triggered you or a
thing reminds you of that or, you know,
your partner doesn't come at you in a
way that your
mind and body can handle in a moment,
and you have feelings. And those feelings,
if they are not understood and or resolved,
you know, then we we
get the long term conflicts that will fuck
up the power exchange, will fuck up the
relationship.
One way conflict can feel like resentment too.
And resentment
comes we've done I think we've done an
episode on resentment.
I have been feeling my own little twinges
of resentment.
I
I guess sometimes it's a good thing that
I'm super introspective to the point that it's,
like, probably unhealthy, but whatever.
Because I will feel resentful
over a thing
that
my brain is lying to me about and
saying, well, JB doesn't have to book, and
JB doesn't go through it, and you do
all these things. And it's a big fat
fucking lie because if I could step outside
of my own, like,
resentfulness
and look at the world, like, clearly, I'm
like, okay. Yes. There are things I I
that need to be fixed or need to
get a little bit better so I can
let go of some of what I'm carrying,
but it's not because JB is a super
bad person and made me feel resentful,
thankfully. Are there those types of interactions? Are
there those types of relationships?
Of course.
But in that case, I'm walking around with
resent
resentment.
He says, like,
a perfectly innocent thing. And now
I'm clenching my jaw because I'm trying to
remember that the first rule of power exchange
is I will speak with respect and what
I am thinking and what I am feeling
are not respectful.
And it comes from a this misplaced resentment
or this not even misplaced. The the resentment
is real, but the reason for it, I'm
projecting. I'm not actually dealing with what the
problem is. Right? And resentment can be a
feeling you have because of conflict and it
can cause conflict. There will be a few
things when we get to what causes conflict
that are both feelings and,
you know,
actions and things that happen to create conflict.
And so, yeah, sometimes they're over in thirty
seconds and sometimes you're still thinking about them
ten years after you've been together and it's
been over and done. I was in a
marriage like that where a
thing sounded like it was being resolved. We
kind of made the motions and said the
right words of a thing being resolved, the
conflict being resolved, and yet I was the
absolute
bitch that was a 100% bringing it up
again. Now I was bringing it up again
because it was a pattern of behavior, and
that's a whole other conversation.
But, you know,
so that that's
that's what comp conflict can oh, and I
I can't even describe all the ways conflict
can feel. Oh, yeah. Because it's gonna be
personal to you and what bothers you and
what triggers you and what your partner does
or doesn't do and, you know, how that
relates to what you do or don't do
and how you handle things and what you
say and what you don't say.
So it's very personal.
You're watching your cat Yeah.
Scoot through here. Yeah. I don't know what
onyx it's onyx. She probably will not jump
up any any laps, so there'll be no
onyx sightings today.
Anything you would add to what
conflict looks and feels like on the internal
side? Okay. Now let me get to my
really long list. Oh, boy. Sources of conflict
and power exchange. Now let's be clear.
All of these thing most of these things
are any and all relationships. Doesn't matter the
flavor.
Some are
very specific to power exchange. I'm gonna start
I'm gonna go out of order of my
own freaking list. I'm gonna start with the
stuff that is,
specific to power exchange
because
k. You go ahead. I'm gonna see if
I can get her You're gonna go. Pacing
around. Yeah.
And there was kind of a sighting of
JB's kilt. Podcast listeners, you should come to
the YouTube channel to maybe
see JB's kilt. Not at a good camera
angle.
But here we go. I don't wanna start
because I want you to be here to
be listening to me. K. So you can,
I was right? She bolted for the door
as soon as I opened it. She wanted
out. Okay.
So I called this disagreements.
Any relationship kind of disagreements is not about
what but let's be specific to to power
exchange.
The disagreement that a sub has with the
decision their dom makes,
that I don't think any new sub is
prepared for the first time. You're like,
what the hell are they thinking? Why are
we doing
this? I wouldn't do it this way.
And then the flip side of, you know,
doms who are not happy with,
disagree with
what a sub did or didn't do, what
they think their sub should or shouldn't do,
whether that is about negotiated
rules and expectations, or it's just like,
what are you over there doing? Like, it's
something you couldn't even think, oh, we should
probably have this conversation. Don't do that or,
you know, please do this or whatever it
is.
Generic disagreements, yes, exist in power exchange. And
then there are
the disagreements where it's specific to your power
exchange.
It's been a long time since I haven't
agreed with a decision you've made.
And and I I don't remember what it
was. It's been
literal years.
I do remember how how you resolved it
or how we resolved it. You I was
honest with you and said, I do not
agree with the decision you're making.
And the conversation we went back to, which
is,
what
what's the outcome if you're wrong?
And the way you did did was not
like a life or death thing, it was
not like we're going to waste thousands of
dollars, it was a low stakes thing,
but
prior to being in a power exchange, prior
to being a 20 fourseven power exchange, prior
to actually attempting to share my life with
another adult, right,
I had had a few years where I
was making my own damn decisions. I had
a whole marriage where I was making my
own damn decisions, but whatever.
So I had I we had been in
agreement on so much that I never really
had to think about it. And then there
came this time where it was that is
not a decision I would have made. That's
not the way I would have gone. The
way we resolved it was
you, I think, asked and you or you
said, let's talk about what happens if I'm
wrong.
What happens? Like, what's the worst thing that
could happen? And, also,
the other suggestion that I'm not taking, the
thing I'm not doing, we can just do.
Like, it was it was a low stakes
thing. This was not like Right.
You know? Right. Well, there was no children
from burning buildings. Yeah. I know. Or or,
you know,
hinging on financial disaster or anything like that.
Right. There's nothing like that. So And that
that was how we ended up resolving it.
Right. What that taught me I don't think
I can't think of a time since then
where I've outright disagreed
or just did not like a decision you
made.
Beyond the whiny baby girl version of me
who's not ready to go to sleep, I
don't care if my eyelids are half closed.
I'm not ready to go to bed.
Beyond that. Beyond the playful stuff. Time to
roll over, baby. Right.
Right. What we learned from that was when
we are talking about a decision being made,
that is part of the conversation.
JB will say, this is the direction I'm
thinking of. Here's the outcome of that. Here's
the worst case scenario. Here's what we can
do if it doesn't work. And sometimes I've
been the one to say that he's making
a decision, but he's concerned with making the
right decisions. A lot of responsibility to put
on somebody's shoulders, and I'll say, okay. Here's
what would happen if it goes wrong. Here's
what we can do
if we need to pivot. And that just
became part of our negotiation process so that
by the time he makes a decision,
I'm in the loop. I don't feel like
I've been blindsided with anything, and we both
know what the alternative is, you know? I
mean, I think we've been fortunate that when
we have decisions like that, they've mostly worked
out. Yeah. But as with all parts of
life, we've just gotten through whatever it was.
You know, whatever we thought it would go
this way, and then it went off the
fucking rails. Well, we just went off the
rails with it and
figured it out. Right?
But that is a that is a real
source of conflict. And I think I think
it shocks the shit out of folks in
a new power exchange or who are new
to dominance or submission
because there's this fantasy we have in our
head of if there's somebody else just making
the decision,
all will be well and there I trust
them so I can just let them. Or
for a dom, it'd be like, if I
have all the control and we can just
do everything I want, it will all be
okay and
sometimes.
You know? And I think that there's also
because this isn't about rules. It's about, I
think, behavior.
I go back to the when a dom
is like, what is my sub doing or
not doing? Right? That I I think they
should I think they should behave this way.
I think they should their demeanor should be
this way. Those are conversations to have to
be negotiated.
If it upsets you or bothers you to
see your submissive
do a thing or behave in a way
or
whatever,
that's
it don't hold on to whatever feeling it
is that it creates for you. That's a
conversation
because it's either you'll negotiate a path through
or you'll find out there's an incompatibility incompatibility
or whatever. But, yeah, it can it can
be jarring. Yeah.
You know, and I think it's often
I think it probably happens most often that
that jarringness, that jar ness, that draw whatever
however I say that feeling,
when you're coming out on to the
downhill slide of new relationship energy. Because when
everything is pretty and shiny and perfect and
new,
first of all, it doesn't mean conflict doesn't
happen.
It means that it gets waved away or
gone, oh, it doesn't matter or oh, maybe
I'm just misinterpreting.
And people are like, this feels so good.
Nothing can make it feel bad. And that's
not true. So I do think some conflict
gets,
ignored
or or disregarded in new relationship energy that
probably shouldn't. Not that there's necessarily awful stuff,
but sometimes it's these little nagging things that
once you are not in the honeymoon stage,
you're gonna be like, oh my god. This
is really fucking annoying. Why does this keep
happening?
But for for you to feel it that
first time, it means you're out of new
relationship energy or you're coming out of it.
And if you have, you know,
thought had nothing but hearts in your eyes
for six months or however long, and now
you're like,
are are they
is one of us an idiot? Like, what
is happening here? And you will somebody you
love and cherish and respect with every fiber
of your being will do something, and you'll
go,
what is
wrong
with
that?
The key is not to maybe say that.
That's a thought to be inside thoughts. Ask
me how I know.
But they'll do something and you won't understand
why they're doing it or you'll think it's
new and it was just you never had
the opportunity to see them do that before.
So you could develop an opinion on why
did they do that? Why did they act
that way? Why did they react that way?
Why did they behave that way? I don't
like that.
That's a that's a place to to start
the conversation.
Mhmm. I'm sure I do things you don't
like, and you have questioned Well, you know,
one of the one of the things I
think I believe that,
in the beginning Mhmm. Was a bit of
a source of of conflict for us Mhmm.
Was someone
who was like, oh no that's not the
way you do that. You have to do
it this way.
Yeah. And, and and it took me a
hot minute
to get you to realize there's,
I'd had to have I'd had to have
iron control
over a life to keep it
afloat. Yeah. And if it didn't get if
I didn't do it the way I did
it, it didn't get done at all. And
that was that's real fucking hard to let
go of. That's real fucking hard to let
go of. It you know? Yeah. I I
remember the first time I didn't say anything
when you were loading a dishwasher, and then
the dishes came out clean. And I went,
it's fine.
It's fine. Yeah. When I am
All roads lead to Rome. You know?
When I am having what I would call
a good brain day, the mental health is
doing mostly okay. The
whatever
I however I'm wired is, like,
you know, all synapses are firing. I am
I'm actually very laid back about that kind
of stuff because I I see that, and
I understand I have the the maturity to
go, yeah. Okay. It doesn't matter that you
do it differently than that. On a bad
grain day,
you would think the way the dishwasher gets
loaded
is
necessary to make sure Is rocket science. To
diffuse a bomb. Okay?
I'm up there.
And
for me not to constantly feel annoyed for
no fucking reason
or to start an argument for no fucking
reason because then I'm gonna be in trouble
because I probably wasn't very respectful and I'm
trying to be a good girl. I really
truly
am. I have to sometimes
do override my own
initial responses to stuff. I have to have
the
the thing in my head, the recording that
goes, It's okay. This doesn't actually matter.
Or, It's okay.
It's fine. It's fine. It's
fine. And I don't FEEL fine. The jaw
is clenched. But I'm like, I'm literally saying,
THIS is not a thing worthy of an
argument that won't even matter five minutes from
now. It literally won't matter. But did it
take me a minute to get there? Sure
shit took me a minute to get there.
And of course there I am questioning,
let's say it's the dishwasher,
and I that point I'm questioning
JB as a person,
but now at because of the nature of
our relationship, I am questioning who has a
dom who is making decisions to do things.
That's its own.
That's his own conflict source. That's his, like,
whoop. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Nope. Okay. I've got back to my list.
Okay. Then
another one, two,
that are specific to power exchange.
There's breaking the rules.
Typically, that's a submissive who has rules that
they've agreed to, tasks they said they've done,
whatever, and they don't do the thing they
said they would do or they do the
thing they said they wouldn't do. And your
dog gets to have feelings about that. They
will have feelings about that. Sometimes those feelings
are like, okay, this is a learning opportunity.
Let's talk about it. And sometimes it'll be
the fifth time you've done it in some
given amount of time, and they're like, what
the actual fuck?
Ask JB. He knows.
I'm not I'm really not anymore
bad at that. When I forget to do
a thing or don't do a thing properly,
you can actually see why that has happened.
You can see everything going on around me.
And, like, oh, there was no way her
brain was gonna keep up with that information.
No.
But in the beginning, I've never purposely broken
a rule. Like, that's not my vibe at
all. No. But I have I have had
my moments. How how did they they make
you feel? How what went on in your
what goes on in your mind when I,
like, am the fuck up?
I think for me, the the depending on
what it is,
there's the
feeling of disappointment.
Oh, God. I fucking hate that feel.
I hate that. I hate it.
Yeah. Okay. That that's that's the biggie. That's
the biggie. Mhmm. I I would imagine
I I have not put you in a
situation that I know of, and I don't
know if you've ever had a partner who
does.
But when it happens those first time or
two, it's disappointment. Mhmm. But there would come
a point where you'd be like, what the
actual fuck? Right? Yeah. Yeah. But I I
have not thankfully, I've not ever been in
that situation with anybody. Mhmm.
So I really can't
Yeah. I think for anybody out there who's
like, I I skipped past disappointment and I'm
I'm just pissed
off. That's valid. Yeah. What you do with
that anger is what matters most. Right? Like,
are you berating a person? Are you are
you
making them,
feel bad? Are you causing shame? Or are
you using
your adult
self to have an adult conversation
about what the hell is going on? Right?
The other half, this can be either dom
or sub, but it happens
I see it more often with doms, and
that's breaking promises.
I'll text you. I'll call you. We'll do
this. Now subs can be that way too
where they say they do a thing, and
then they don't do it.
In the course of Power Exchange,
it tends to be from what I've seen
from the outside looking in for other folks.
It's with a rule or a task, whereas
for a dom, it's a thing I said
I would do,
I'll be your fucking dom. I'll be the
dominant. And then you just fucking don't. Guess
what? You keep saying you're gonna do a
thing and then you don't fucking do a
thing first, you're losing the person's losing trust
and faith in you.
Big. Huge.
Second,
now they're having their feelings about it. And
I don't know. Will those feelings be sad?
Will they be disappointment? Will they be anger?
Will they be frustration?
I don't know what they'll feel, feel, but
they're gonna feel something. Sure. Because you you
know, there's there's expectations that haven't been met.
Mhmm. Mhmm. K. Yep.
You know, and there's yeah. Yeah. I mean,
you you are whether you mean to or
not
and
there are solutions to this. Right? Like, Like,
everybody's human. It happens to people. Right? Like,
you say you'll do a thing and then
something comes up.
But do it often enough and
they lost faith in you. Right. You're eroding
that. Yeah. There's there's the thing, you know.
Life does happen. There are times things
happen that are out of your control. Yep.
But when it becomes
a constant thing Mhmm. Then then there's problems
because yeah. Then then you're eroding that trust
that you built,
you know,
the the responsibility
of being big d. Mhmm. You know? So
so there's a lot of things that are
Yeah.
You are wrapped up in all that. You
are eroding somebody's
ability to believe you are who you say
you are. Mhmm. Now
the key to that, if something's happening that
is beyond your control, and is the most
boring answer and the one we give every
time, it's communication.
It's communication as soon as possible before, during,
after.
It is being upfront with there are times
in my life that my job
I I got I got custody of a
kid and I gotta be a parent. My
health, my whatever whatever.
This could get in the way and here's
here's what I'd like us to do about
it. And this is now it's a problem
solving thing between the two of you. How
do you
maintain the responsibilities that you have agreed to
take on
while allowing yourself to be the full fucking
human you are, which means that sometimes
other things have to take some level of
priority
while also,
you know, not letting down
your partner. And it's a tough balancing act
when there's like shit going on. Quite frankly,
reasonable people just wanna fucking know what's going
on.
Reasonable people can be very understanding
if in all other ways you're mostly doing
the things you say you'll do and there's
this one thing where there's a problem. So
sometimes you find out it's an incompatibility. This
is like, I need this thing that you
cannot do consistently.
That
happens. Sometimes they're like, oh, well, maybe we
can get creative together and there are other
ways to
do this thing or there's other things that
we can do instead of this thing you
can't but if you were just saying you'll
do a thing and not doing it over
over, there's everybody has their own personal breaking
point.
I'm,
you get one or two chances with me.
You really do. Because I just don't trust
easily. And once I don't feel like I
can trust you to do the thing you
said you would do,
what am I here for? Like, there's nothing
nuh. It's real hard to get my trust
back once it's gone. Other people have a
longer a bigger threshold than that. They can
handle
are are willing to handle multiple times or
whatever whatever. Cool. Cool.
But
yeah. That you know? And I think when
you break your promise, somebody's gonna somebody might
their response might be to be very sad.
Somebody's gonna be pissed off. Somebody's gonna just
be disappointed. Somebody's gonna be resentful because they're
keeping up with the stuff they said they
would do. Right? There's lots of things
that are felt in conflict. Right?
Let me see on my list. Did I
have anything else that I felt was specific
to power exchange? No. All these other things
can happen
in so many ways in
in relationships. So let's start with not listening
to your partner. And I don't mean
for subs, this could be your Dom told
you to do something and you just didn't.
I put that kind of under the what
a sub does or doesn't do that they're
kind of not supposed to because I told
you to do something. The agreement was you'll
do what I tell you to do. Now
but, like, sometimes there's just not the not
listening because you're so stuck in your own
fucking head about what you're thinking about and
what what you're mad about and what you
wanna bring to this discussion and what's got
you kinda pissed off that you just you
aren't listening. Or your partner is trying to
tell you something deep and meaningful and you're
you will not focus on them. You will
not give them that care and attention.
I would tell oh, my mic. I would
tell a person who just who they're trying
to tell their partner something to be meaningful
and they don't have their partner's full fucking
attention to save the time for that conversation.
And or you're gonna have to say to
make it clear that this is serious. And
if they cannot give you their focus and
attention, you you are gonna go,
serious. And if they cannot give you their
focus and attention, you you're gonna go that's
like this this moment is over. Maybe not
the relationship, but the moment's over. But if
you agreed to have this deep
conversation and this person is trying to to
tell you something that they feel like you
need to know,
and you're just clocked out, and you're not
admitting you're clocked out, or you're pretending to
listen,
whoo. So they're gonna find out. They're always
gonna find out. Do not not think you
can fake your way out of there
because,
you know, you're gonna repeat the behavior that
they were trying to talk to you about
before or you're not gonna do the thing
that they you, without listening to, agreed to
do
or, you know, something's gonna be repeated that
shouldn't have been repeat. Something's gonna fucking happen
that shows you did not listen. So in
the moment, if they can't tell you're not
listening, it might not be a source of
conflict. But later, when they fucking figure it
out Mhmm.
Oh my god. How many of us have
had relationships,
kinky and non kinky, where we're like, did
you did you hear a word of what
I said? Did you even care? Because when
you're not listening, it's just this is what
sucks for those of us who struggle to
maintain focus. I did not always used to
be like this. I'm very much like this
now. Your lack of focus because your brain's
just like, I can't do it. I can't
do it.
Looks like not caring to a partner if,
and again, you're not communicating what the fuck
is going on with you. Do you wanna
know how much conflict can be resolved before
it happens with a little bit of, like,
let me just be clear with you and
honest with you and tell you a thing.
It's usually we don't have the conversations till
after we have pissed each other up
because I I mean, JB has had to
relearn. We've been together
we've known each other fourteen years now almost.
Yeah. Been together thirteen.
He's had to relearn me. I don't always
he has to know that he has my
focus
because it will look like I don't give
a fuck and actually my brain is playing
a song in the background and that's all
I can fucking hear.
I wasn't always like that. I used to
hang on every fucking word he said to
the point he was like, okay. That's a
little intense.
Could you back off? And now I'm like,
oh, I'm sorry. And yet I've become the
same way too Mhmm. To a certain extent
because I can get so wrapped up in
what I'm doing, and I'm maybe even five
or six steps ahead.
So We created a sick a sim
a key word Mhmm. For him so that
I knew that I could talk to him
when he was focused. Because we did have
points of of contention between us because I
would start talking and I thought I had
his attention and he clearly was not listening
to me. And if if I go It
was not good.
If I focus,
you I mean, you know, if I focus
on something,
nothing else is it exists around me anymore.
Yeah. And I can, you know, I can
sometimes have that, but mostly, it's whatever tab
on my brain have is playing music as
well. So what we did was if I
needed to talk to him and I was
like, this is not a passing thing. This
is this is the thing I'm I meet
I need your focus for.
I would go
green light, and then the question, is your
green light on? Which would be go, which
would be Mhmm. You have my focus. And
sometimes and, look, the baby girl in me
did not like to hear that, no. His
green light was not on. I needed to
wait a minute. Okay? But it was on
us. She would go, not yet. Give me
a few minutes. Now it was on both
of us to actually make sure that that
give me a few minutes happened.
You know, I didn't I had to remember
that there was a thing I wanted to
tell him, which it's very dangerous now. I
might forget the very important thing I wanted
to tell him,
which does fucking suck.
Back then, if he had just wandered off
after those few minutes and forgotten that I
was sitting over here waiting to talk to
him, it would have hurt my feelings. Mhmm.
The first time, I probably would have laughed
it off. Second or third time, I'd have
been like, what the fuck? So we both
had our responsibilities in that to make sure
we came back to it. But creating
that system so that I knew
I had his full attention, I could tell
him whatever I needed to tell him, and
we went from there. But any even now,
anytime I've ever tried to talk to him
without his full attention,
I get very fresh I get very frustrated.
Probably in an outsized manner. It's probably too
big of a reaction for what it is.
That's on me.
But,
you know,
we haven't had to use the green light
thing in a while, but I've become more
observant.
Now that he's got hearing aids, that's been
the hardest part with the listening thing.
Now that he's got his hearing aids, I
have to be
able to read is is there something on
his phone playing directly into his ears? Because
he can't he's not hearing me. He's hearing
what's ever in his ears. Then I also
have to be aware. Did he just take
his hearing aids out? He can't hear anything,
especially if I'm on the bad ear side.
Right? And so I have to be more
patient with myself and with him Mhmm. Because
those are those are things that are are
gonna make it harder to,
for him to even hear me let alone
listen. Right? And I I know for me,
you know,
I know for me, you know, having hearing
aids has been
amazing. I'm so we went into debt for
it and I have no
I'm not upset about that debt. And and
and Worth every penny. And nor am I.
Right. Okay. Because it it brought things back
to me that I didn't even realize had
been
slipping away.
It it has been a double edged sword
though because
the the new hearing
aids connect
to
a lot of them to the phones. Mhmm.
And
if there's something on the phone playing
Right. You're not gonna you're not gonna hear
anything coming out of my phone anymore because
it's all piping into my ears directly. Right.
And so that that's it's both a good
thing and a bad thing. Mhmm. And I
I found myself getting so frustrated,
unfairly because you weren't doing anything wrong.
It it's just a limitation of the fact
that your ears are artificial at this point.
Bionic. Bionic.
That I felt
my response was I'm not saying anybody else
has to respond the way I responded, but
my response was to be the one to
pay attention. Right?
I am getting annoyed at JB
for a thing that is through no fault
of his own.
So I could keep getting angry or annoyed
or cranky about a thing he can't control,
or I could just pay closer attention and
try to have a sense of humor about
it when it doesn't matter. Yeah, I still
misread and I still don't see it. On
the flip side, I don't have the ability
to focus the way I used to. I've
gotten better at admitting when I lost focus
and I have to go, I'm so sorry.
I need you to rewind that back. Can
you tell me again?
Because
typically,
if I am locked eyes with JB, I
I'm I'm listening. I'm focusing.
But not always.
Not always. Because sometimes you get caught up
in okay. Am I am I staring at
the person correctly? Or, oh, look. There's this
thing over his head. We should probably
I didn't I used to be able to,
like,
hold on to control of my focus.
My mind was a steel trap. Like, I
was there was also the
I'm so desperately loving JB, and I'm gonna
try to be the best ever, and this
is the best relationship I've ever been. And
he gets all of my attention. And he
is the best relationship I've ever been in.
And I do love JB so much, but
also there comes a time, I think, when
sometimes
you just
I don't know.
Like, that starry eyed version of me, she
is tired. She
she's trying to take a nap. This version
of me,
the the very unmasked,
feels very safe Mhmm. Is
a gremlin.
Version
does not is not having that.
And so I allow myself to feel annoyance,
but I also my point is Mhmm. I'm
not always listening like I should be.
I've had to apologize for that before. I've
it's it it I feel shitty when I'm
like, this man was just, like, baring his
fucking soul, and I couldn't tell you the
last three sentences he just said because my
mind wandered.
That's been on me to have to sort
of relearn
how to maintain my own focus.
But whether it's a you don't give a
fuck, and if you don't give a fuck
enough to listen to your partner, what are
we doing here? Or if there is a
thing that is impeding you from being able
to listen at the drop of a hat,
like, you need
you need a a signal to let you
know, okay. Focus here, or you know that
your mind can wander. Those things are not
your fault. You're not a bad person because
there's a thing that makes it harder for
you to listen. But if you know
that is a source of conflict
and you know you struggle with it, it
is ideally between you and your partner to
figure out how do we work around this.
How do we make sure that this isn't
a source of conflict and contention between us.
I am learning that very late in life.
I mean, I don't know. Maybe I just
spent a lot of time
pretending I listened and I got lucky,
or maybe I just
was, like, weirdly
hyper focused when I knew I needed to
be paying attention. I don't know what it
was. I just don't have it the same
way I used to.
I just don't. And I don't like how
it feels. It sucks.
Especially if JB looks disappointed
in me because that's what he's feeling if
he realizes I did not listen to him
and I didn't take in what he was
trying to tell me and I didn't give
him as my attention and
I don't want him to feel disappointed in
me. I don't like how that feels.
So that is a source of there's so
many y'all. That's a source of conflict. Stress.
We've We've done entire episodes, so many episodes
on stress. Stress will fuck up. Oh, yeah.
Your life,
including
how you handle
any sort of, like, small small or big
discomfort
or bone of
contention or misunderstanding.
That, you know, that's and and that's the
thing with stress. Oh. Okay. You know stress
stress in and of itself is is horrible.
So bad. But stress has this magic ability
to
take a molehill
and turn it into a mountain. Yes. Everything
feels bigger. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. Because what stress
does to your body and your mind. Right.
You know, and it'll be
it'll be whatever stress you're going through. You
know, we have we are still kind of
finishing up running the gauntlet of financial stress.
You know, worrying about keeping a roof over
your head, that's a biggie. And in Mhmm.
In the year of our lord 2026
when gas prices are what they are and
tariffs haven't fully gone away And what is
happening in the world and everything's more expensive
and rent is higher and home insurance is
higher and car insurance is higher and property
taxes are going up. It doesn't matter what
kind of home you have, you pay more
for it. Financial stress is huge and it
will fuck you up and nobody's immune to
it. Yeah. And I, you know, I'm just
I'm just gonna say
the financial stress, you know, while we have
come
miles ahead.
Mhmm. Okay. You know, there there are times
we still sit and look at us all,
you know, we're we're working harder, we're we're
doing
better, but yet it doesn't feel so. Yeah.
You know? And then and then you have
the the people coming on and saying, you
know, Florida's in a housing crisis.
Property taxes are out of control. Insurance is
through the roof. We live in Florida where
all of that is times 10. Right.
So, you know, that that all adds on.
It's it's, you know, there are times you
feel like you're on a a freaking hamster
wheel. Oh, for sure. And that's financial stress.
There's stress about health. There's stress about your
kids. When we were dealing financial stress, I
was dealing with this we we together, but
I know how I am about these things.
I was internalizing
very deeply the stress of having,
The youngest. The young he was not healthy
mentally or physical. She was not healthy mentally
or physically
for years. Mhmm. For years.
So
that was a stress. Yep. And we all
respond to stress in our own ways.
Mine is I either withdraw
and I get very into my head or
I get snappy
and I'm very short and I'm short-tempered and
I don't have patience for a lot of
things. Snarky.
Snarky. Yes. And do I have a bad
habit when I get snarky?
Unintentionally
talking to people. I only talk to, like,
two or three people in my life, but
talking to people like they're kind of a
dumbass if they say something I think is
wrong. Yeah. It's not a good trade. I'm
not fucking proud of it. I have I
spend a lot of time
with apologies when it gets bad. I have
to be aware of that.
But, you know, that's my response. JB's response?
Short-tempered.
No no patience. Zero tolerance for anything that
he could find annoying. Small things that he
would laugh off, can't laugh him off.
I referred to him as a a lasher
outer earlier,
and I think it was Silent who said,
Oh, you're not describing JB as the lasher
outer. I know. I'm not actually describing No.
He is not a lasher outer and, like,
the guy who raised me, that was trauma.
JB just happens to be a person who
uses a very
sharp
tone
even with mild annoyance. It's a little funny
to listen when that eighteenth,
robocall comes through and it's actually a person
on the other end.
Right? Like, he's calm and decent and not
trying to traumatize anybody, but his first response
at stress is everything he says is probably
coming out angrier than, you know, than it
would otherwise.
And that
That that unfortunately
is
a bad trait I carried
from Probably from your own trauma. Yeah. Like
and so here's the thing. We both know
how we are.
And so, yes, it is our responsibility to
try to, like, be mindful of that, but
especially stress will fuck you up.
And so we are very good at I
I am quick to do it because I'm
trying to manage my own, like,
physical and emotional response to what I'm perceiving
as danger. It's not. I'm not in danger.
I know I'm safe, but tell that to
my lizard brain.
I'm real quick to go, Woah. Woah. Woah.
That was a real sharp tone. Right? And
when I'm in control of myself, I can
say it in a way that he can
hear me.
When I'm not, when I'm also, like, having
a moment and I'm coming out snarky and
sharp, now now we're probably in an argument
because I said a thing he would normally
be able to handle just fine, but I
said it in a tone that he did
not like.
And now we've got a conflict on top
of a conflict, and it all what's what's
it all coming back to? Whatever is stressing
us out.
The thing we got really good at in
the midst of all the turmoil we went
through for a few years there
was saying out loud.
One of us would say to the other,
we are on the same team. Yeah. We
are we want the same thing. What are
we arguing about? Because, Frank, fortunately for us,
we very rarely argued about
how we were gonna try and resolve a
thing. We were usually in agreement on that,
but something else would set one or both
of us off.
And now we're in some, like,
argument that doesn't even make sense when we
- I mean, I remember sitting in a
vehicle with you. I think it was about
money. I don't remember what it was. We
were - and I - I'm gonna -
I'm saying yelling, but not screaming.
Voices were raised.
I was I was stern. He was stern,
but we were both loud. And it and
we were going back and forth
with the exact same solution just using different
words. And finally,
I pulled back and went, what the hell
are we yelling about? Right. We are saying
literally the exact same thing. Mhmm.
And and I I don't your power exchange
is not,
protection from that.
Some people, maybe. Maybe you handle stress better.
Maybe it's a lower level stress. Maybe it's
not triggering. Maybe it's not triggering, maybe it's
not like, whatever. I don't know. Everybody handles
things differently.
And I think there can be
a desire for some people to use their
power exchange
to prevent that back and forth, that snark,
that sharp voices, that whatever. And it's like,
okay, if if, Dom just stays completely in
control of their emotions and the submissive just
does what they're trying
we're human. Like, I think some of us
can maybe do that for a short amount
of time. I think if you are forcing
yourself to be that way through every conflict
with each other, at times when emotions are
running high and, like, shit is raining down
around you,
I would I would have questions about, at
the end of it, your mental health. Because
if you are not allowing yourself
to feel what you feel and hopefully not
in an unhealthy way, to respond authentically,
I don't know how that's healthy for anybody.
I really don't. Not long term.
So,
you know, my personal opinion is is that
the vast majority of us,
our power exchange will not save us from
any of this. It might make it so
you you learn how to argue better. Right?
If you're real good at remembering that always
speak with respect rule,
I've never cussed JBL. I have
I have never said some of the worst
shit I could or would. Like,
I'm I'm very nonconfrontational
to begin with. I'm very nonconfrontational
to begin with. I just I'm terrified. Thank
you, childhood trauma.
But
it's not that I don't have thoughts. It's
not that I've never had an unkind thought.
My way of maintaining respect is
I'm going to talk to JB
like an adult. I'm gonna let my voice
get sharp. I'm gonna let myself be stern.
I'm not gonna be shrieking.
I'm not gonna be name calling. I'm not
gonna be doing any of that shit.
I had to learn that it was I
could still be respectful and be firm. That
was that was a thing I personally had
to learn. Some people do have to learn
that. Other people have to learn to tone
it the fuck down, and you don't need
to say the first fucking thing that comes
to your head that once you're calm, you're
like, I would never I I didn't actually
mean that.
Guess what? Some things can't be unsaid because
they can't be unheard.
So but stress will stress will fuck you
up. I'm telling you stress will you up.
Oh, yeah.
Let's see. Let me get back to my
list.
So having to use my phone is kind
of a pain in the ass
because
now my my phone
is
No! Okay, there we go.
My phone was trying not to whatever.
Burnout
we've got an episode on burnout. A lot
of these topics we're talking about is in
that page I was telling you about at
the top, my loving bdsm.net/conflict
linked in the places.
Burnout
will make it so you don't have the
energy to do the things you said you
would do. So now you are unintentionally
disappointing
your partner
as a partner, as a dom or a
sub, within your power exchange, outside of your
power exchange because you've just
literally run run out of steam. You got
nothing, and you're going through the motions.
And even if you're doing the things, the
tasks, whatever, the going through the motions part,
people can people can feel that after a
while. Some people are gonna feel it immediately
and some people are it's gonna take them
a minute. But you can feel when somebody's
not into what you're trying to do when
they're going through the motions.
And that will make you feel things. It
might make you angry, but it might make
you wonder, does this person wanna be in
this relationship with me? It might make you
resentful because you might be picking up the
slack, whether it's the emotional labor
or
the actual physical aspects of what a person
in burnout can't do.
It's not the person in burnout's fault.
Again, it's a thing you have to work
with and around
and find the way to keep,
you know, assuming you wanna both continue to
be in the relationship,
how how both of you manage to get
through that for with them. You know, you're
kind of going through it together. The person
in burnout is go and fucking throw it,
but the partner in that relationship is having
their own experience with it. You know?
Jealousy and envy.
Because so conflict will create you'll feel jealous.
You'll feel envious,
but feeling jealous or envious will also create
its own conflict.
So one
of the first times I realized I was
feeling resentful in our relationship,
it was I was feeling resentful because I
was envious. I was jealous. I was pick
a word, right. I do think they're two
separate terms, but they get used interchangeably.
And here's why. This was
we'd we were living in the condo when
I realized what I was feeling.
And I was
I was,
I was putting in twelve, fourteen hour days,
and I would be working. I had this
little little corner of the living room in
our condo with this teeny tiny little desk.
Cut my back to the wall because that's
what I like. I could look out into
the whole living room. I could see everything.
It was when I moved away from working
at the kitchen table. Yes. And I was
working at my very first little teen tiny
it was like a student desk, and I
have my little laptop. And I would be
working, and Jimmy would be on the couch,
and he would be playing solitaire, or he
would be, you know, looking at us on
TV. We didn't watch a lot of TV
without one another, especially if I was working.
But he would be resting. He would be
taking a nap. And I
would get so upset,
and it took me a minute. And I'm
glad I didn't take it out on you
because it would not have been fair once
I figured out what the fuck the problem
was.
JB has never had a problem, at least
outwardly. I don't know what you go through
mentally in internally.
If he needs to rest, he sits his
ass down and he rests. If he's sick,
he takes a sick day. If he is
done working, he he sets a time and
he's fucking done working, and then he goes
off and he has leisure time. I for
different reasons,
some of which were some of my own
fucking fault,
I had not ever allowed there was never
time for that. There was never I didn't
allow myself to do that. No. There were
times in life that I could not allow
myself to do that or small children would
not survive or whatever, but
and I realized I was pissed at him
because he was doing a thing that I
did not allow myself to do.
Oh, the realization of that because he want
I kinda liked having my, like,
justif you
know, justifiably pissed. Like, I I felt righteous
in my annoyance and my, oh, this isn't
fair. And then I went, fucking hell. It's
not his fault.
Jimmy wasn't doing anything wrong. Wrong. He was
doing exactly what I should have been fucking
doing and didn't have the skills to do,
didn't think I could, didn't have the faith
that he would pick up slack. And so
that had nothing to do with power exchange.
I'm in a happy relationship.
I was pissed. I was so pissed because
I was fucking jealous of something I wasn't
allowing myself to do and I just don't
think I'm alone in that. I don't think
it'll be the same reasons other people have
it, but I think other people will have
that.
Being able to do that, alright, like even
today.
Okay you know I did all my work
outside
this morning in the shop
came in
started getting something set up for this ate
lunch and I was like you know what
I'm gonna lay down for a few minutes
Okay.
You know you talk about how I now
when I get sick. Mhmm. You know I
rest I take care of myself.
Mhmm. Which is what we should all have.
We should all be able to. Yeah. We
can't all do but we should all be
able to do. But
that was not something I've always done. Sure.
Okay because I was always you know
no you you push through. Right. You know
you you you don't feel good you keep
going anyway. Mhmm.
And
it took me many years to realize
no wait, I don't really have to. The
world is not going to come to an
end
if I stop and sit down for a
few minutes.
Mhmm. Now here's what's funny about that. That
makes complete sense to me. And here's why
I think it's important
it was important for me to realize what
why I felt the way I felt. And
that had nothing to do with you. It
had everything to do with me because in
that moment of those ugly feelings, I didn't
know your fucking history. I didn't it makes
sense I'm knowing what I know about you.
That is that is obvious to me that
you would have gone through decades of life
where you just pushed through
because
I know stuff. But
that is the the lie that resentment and
jealousy and envy can tell us
is that we are alone in this thing,
and that person has it good. And they
don't know what it's like to feel this
way. And it is a lie most
much of the time, especially if you're like
if your your envy of somebody that you
care about is making you feel negatively
in a way towards them you would not
normally feel. It's your brain's lying to you
on on some level, probably. Right?
I still use that self talk now when,
I'm
I'm working longer hours than I wanna be
or I
I I truly cannot stop in that moment.
I gotta get through what I'm getting through.
And you were taking it easy, and I
tell myself, these are choices I'm making.
Right? The The choices I'm making have me
here at 08:00 at night because my ass
procrastinated for two hours in the middle of
the day. Well,
I could have been done. I could have
been doing what you're doing. Right? And and
the thing is is until we can have
those realizations within ourselves, what happens when you're
feeling jealous or envious
or go back to resentful. You're lashing out.
You're saying shit. You're you're behaving in a
way that makes it clear to a partner
that you are unhappy even if you are
not telling them why you're unhappy. These become
sources of conflict.
You know?
I I know I'm weirdly introspective, but a
lot of people are weirdly introspective.
I don't know how to tell somebody to
be introspective. I don't know I don't know
where it comes from. I don't know how
to educate on that.
But, you know, taking a few moments to
just try to see something from another perspective
or to think about why do I feel
this way
Mhmm. Won't maybe stop the feeling, but maybe
you're you're not
being a bitch to your daddy, Dom, who
just he had a cold, and he just
wanted to lay down on the couch.
And you're the one nearing burnout because you
don't know how to take a break, and
that's a you you problem.
You know, here's the source of conflict. How
many problems are a you problem that you
have made your partner's problem? And not because
they will work
through those things with you and they will
support you, but because you are feeling
a feeling. You are feeling big negative feelings
about a thing that is a you problem,
and you now just made it your partner's
problem, but not in a collaborative way.
In a, oh, I'm here to argue with
somebody kinda way. Yeah.
Mhmm.
Decision fatigue and mental load. We have done
those episodes as well. Yes.
My first experience with you with decision fatigue,
we've talked about this several times over the
years, when your sister was sick, and I
just asked what you wanted to drink with
your dinner, and you went, I can't. I
can't do it.
I can't do I can't make another decision.
Yeah. Dom's get it. Subs get it. Subs
get it. Submissives
who have some level of autonomy to decide
how they're gonna do the thing or when
they're gonna do the thing. I know for
myself as a service sub, I am serving
my partner and my family
on many, many levels, and that requires
carrying a mental load. That requires making decisions.
Not every decision is made by JB.
So doms and subs can can feel
the the exhaustion of both decision fatigue and
carrying a mental load for too long. And
it's like anything else. When you are exhausted,
when you cannot be be your best self,
when you cannot, you know, you can't just
think your way out of it and get
back to, like, good humor. It's gonna come
out in different ways, and it's gonna be
become a source of conflict typically because you
haven't talked about it, typically because you're not
sharing the load, typically because, you know, you're
putting pressure on yourself that your partner may
not
never want you to be under. You know,
there are many of us who will walk
around carrying the weight of our whole lives
Mhmm. And our partners' lives and our family's
lives on our shoulder and never fucking say
a thing, but, man, we will be
she she will I will be a bitch
from fucking hell about it. And now
now nobody's happy and I'm fucking exhausted. Right?
We've got that episode for
Exhaustion.
Oh. It's a little bit like stress. Mhmm.
Everybody responds differently to things like exhaustion or
stress. But in with us,
some of our dumbest fucking I know.
Like, mini meltdowns have been well, we are
at the the end of our ability
to function because we're so exhausted. I am
thinking of sitting in
the Orlando
Airport
budget rental parking lot
Yes. At almost 1AM
trying to find our way out of the
airport and back to the turnbuck.
We made the youngest cry. She was so
stressed about how we were behaving. She just
burst into tears. Oh my god. I felt
so awful.
Yeah. That was a very long day. That
that was that was a a very long
day between getting out of Virginia
Mhmm. And then getting back.
And,
you know,
I had the thought in my head, you
know, it's it's freaking 01:00 in the morning.
We're gonna, you know, get our rental car
and we're gonna get out of here.
No. The half mile long line and only
one person working the
desk. Yeah. It was it was a rough
night. And so I don't
we were not genuinely upset with each other.
We were we were at we were at
our our breaking point, and we lashed out
at each other. Right.
Had we not been so exhausted, we would
have laughed through that. We would have joked
through that because that's sort of our normal
demeanor. Right? It was, again, like the,
what do you call it? Like, almost the
perfect storm that everything just kind of
dealt together. Those are times when we're gonna
the wrong way. We're gonna be in it
together and that we're gonna have a moment
together where we kinda go at one another.
Mhmm. And when I say go at one
another, we are not insulting each other. We
are not screaming at one another. We typically
are just not speaking to one another
in the way we normally would. We do
not we're not there's no sense of humor.
It's very sharp,
things that you could normally just say calmly
and it would mean nothing. You just use
a tone. My whole lot my whole childhood
I heard. It's not what you say, it's
how you say it.
So that that happens, right?
I have noticed
you're pretty good at this too. If I
know you're the exhausted one,
I
try to keep that in mind and step
carefully. Right? Like, if you get if you
are clearly annoyed, but I know it's because
you're tired, I don't take that personally because
I'm like, oh, he's fucked. Now if he
did it all the time, then I'd be
like, wait. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.
Woah. I'm not I didn't do this. I'm
not at fault
here. You know? What are we doing?
You're kind of the same way when when
you can tell I'm
exhausted and especially if I'm losing my filter.
Yeah.
You know? You just sort of treat me
in a way that's
not, what's
there's which word I want? I hate it.
Not in a oh, I can't think of
the word I want. Excuse me. In a
gentle way, like you're you
you know that I could snap, so
you keep your humor little bit better. You
tend to have more patience because you know
I'm not gonna have it. There's a there's
a term I can't think of. But, you
know, and we do that for one another
when we are aware Mhmm. Or we think
we're aware of what the other one's going.
Right. And that, I think, has been the,
you know communication is always the way. You
know, just say, I'm so fucking tired. I
can't think straight. Right? Or,
you know, oh, that I was not my
best self. That was you know, I apologize
for that. I'm exhausted. And this is this
sometimes happens when I'm tired. I'll try to
be better. Blah blah blah. Yes. Of course.
But just like the more you learn your
partner and you learn their moods
and I I wanna be careful when I
say that because there's this toxic thing of
you learn a partner's mood because you're trying
to prevent further trauma from having that's not
what I'm talking about.
And that's a whole separate thing and that's
that's no good. But in that, we are
collaborative and sometimes I have a good day
and I can carry
some of the load because he's not having
a good day. And and we go back
and forth, that typical give and take of
relationships.
Sometimes you're just both fucking in it.
Yeah.
We have have been very fortunate that once
we get out of that moment, we can
laugh about it. And I think that helps
us Yeah.
Not stay stuck in the conflict,
but also remember for the future, you know.
I think I have one more
on my list,
and it's miscommunication
and or misunderstandings.
You didn't hear the other person right. You
thought they meant that, oh, this one gets
us all the fucking time. One of us
thinks
the I meant blah blah blah or I
thought he meant blah blah blah. And we
didn't ask clarifying questions, and we just went
with our assumptions. Yep. And then Use those
damn damn assumptions to get you. And see
and I you know, I can tell you
ask clarifying questions. But if you think you
understood what the person was telling you, why
would you ask a clarifying question? I'm only
asking clarifying questions if I'm paranoid that I
don't know what's going on or if I
figured out I really don't know what's going
on. Now that's been a new thing because
I used to have a mind like a
steel trap, y'all. And now I don't. And
so I ask way more clarifying questions and
here's what happens. JB will get a little
bit aggravated because he thinks I don't know
exactly what she thinks happening, that I'm, like,
purposefully,
like, trying to, like, ask dumb quest I
don't know what the thought is, but I
know the annoyance. There there are
when I'm when I kinda get like that,
I'm like,
well, what do you mean you don't understand?
You should understand. You should
Yeah. We have had a couple times I've
gone, well, if I understood, I wouldn't ask
questions.
Right. Funny how that works, isn't it?
So
those and I I think people will recognize
the miscommunication, the misunderstanding. I mean, we all
have been there where you thought somebody said
a thing or you misheard or they misheard
you, and now things did not go as
planned or things went absolutely wrong or
right, like, whatever. And however we feel about
that in the conflict,
the thing that brings up some kind of
negative emotion for us is based on who
we are as a person, what we're going
through at that moment,
how that thing that happened,
you know, is part of a overall pattern
of other things that have happened. There's a
lot that goes into why we feel the
way we do
when something doesn't quite go right or we're,
you know,
we're in a source of conflict. Something is
happening. Every time I say conflict, I always
feel like anger, but that's just not the
only thing you feel in conflict, you know?
It's the it's probably the most common, but
there are so many other things you can
feel. Just even just aggravation. Like anger is
not aggravation to me. I can get to
angry from aggravation real fucking quick, real fucking
quick.
But I think
that talking about a broader view of what
conflict is is important in any relationship, but
especially in power exchange where there's a lot
of doms or calm, cool, collected, and in
control and in charge. And submissives are,
you know, don't have to be meek. God
knows. None around here. But you might be,
you know,
milder toned or respectful toner. A little bit
more soft spoken. Not around here, but, you
know, in other relationships, I hear that this
could be soft spoken.
And
to think about conflict
goes against the grain
of that stereotype many of us have in
our head of who we think we're supposed
to be within our role.
Yes. And and on good days, JB is
calm, cool, and collected.
God knows he needs to be. If I'm
calm, cool, and collected, let me tell you
the apocalypse must be outside. And I'm like,
okay. I've been planning for this my whole
life. I can handle this. Right?
If I am not calm, cool, and collected,
everything's okay in the world. I'm just the
hot mess. Right? So, like, yeah. He can
be that, but he's human. So he can
be,
you know, aggravated, and he can be sharp,
and he can be stern in a way
that I don't find fun or sexy or
kinky. Or, you know, he we all get
to have the full
depth and breadth of human emotion.
I think the part where power
folks in power exchange relationships get it wrong
is not
figuring out how to try to resolve it
as quickly as possible,
although not always right away. That will probably
be in the next episode. When we did
the the session for the summit, we spent
a whole lot of time on the very
first step of resolving conflict. Get the fuck
away from one another till you calm down.
Mhmm.
That'll be next time. Like, okay. I'm feeling
away. What the fuck do I do with
it? We will talk about that. But, you
know and even the things I've listed as
things that could cause conflict, sources of conflict,
things that'll make you feel something negative, and
now you're in some level of conflict either
with the person
or with who you think you're supposed to
be within your role. Like, that up in
and of itself is a thing. How many
submissives out there, I cannot be the only
one, have gone, oh, am I actually submissive?
Because I was a real fucking bitch right
now. I I certainly did not speak to
my dom the way I would prefer to
speak to my dom. I've questioned myself after
that. I've wondered, should I have gotten in
trouble for that?
We don't tend to there doesn't tend
to
be, oh my, consequences
for an argument like that, for that kind
of conflict. If I was disrespectful,
once we dealt with the conflict, then we
can deal with the behavior. But just me
showing that I am unhappy about something or
having my own feelings,
as long as I stay respectful,
that's No. That no. I'm I'm having a
human response. Right. And as long as I,
like, can contain myself myself enough not to
say something I'll regret later,
we're probably fine.
And the other part of that is for
subs out there for realizing that your doms
are not perfect, get them off that fucking
pedestal because they are gonna disappoint you in
small ways, in big ways, in ways that
you're like, but I thought you were always
the calm, cool, collected, bla bla bla bla
bla bla bla bla. I told this one
right from the beginning. Don't do it. And
I still did it. Because I'm gonna fuck
up. I still did it. And the day
it happened,
he actually did not do the worst possible
thing ever. He worried he had because he
had not told me the truth about something
and that
not telling me the truth was a big
fucking thing. And even though I knew logically
that I should not put him on a
pedestal, I had still done it,
not purposefully.
And so the actual big conflict was not
that he told he told me an untruth,
which he didn't, you know, confessed the moment
I figured it out.
And it was not a deal breaker. It
was not a trust breaker. It was a
I get why you didn't tell
me. I love you. You're a dumbass. You
should have fucking told me.
The the the conflict I had to contend
with was him not being on the pedestal
anymore,
and that's my own internal struggle. I could
have taken that out on him, and I
think sometimes that that happens to folks. You
thought your dom was perfect. They just proved
they are human and will do things you
don't like or they will do dumb things.
Mhmm.
And they then bear the brunt of your
disappointment that they're not on the pedestal anymore.
That was a hard moment. I could've bashed
out at him. He was ready to take
it. He felt like shit because he was
like, I should've fucking told you. I knew
you know?
And I didn't. And I had opportunity, and
I didn't tell you.
You know? I guess it was a good
brain day because I was like, oh,
I don't like that. But it's not I'm
not throwing a whole relationship away over that.
But, oh, I I do feel like shit
because I did have that I think you're
kind of perfect feeling
in my head. And
none of us are. None of us are.
So I could keep lecturing everybody about how
conflict is inevitable. Don't treat your partner like
they're perfect just because they're doing great in
a role that you need in your relationship
to feel fulfilled or whatever.
Also, there's no way we listed all sources
of conflict. You will a 100% have thought
of something that we did not list Right.
Is valid is valid. Mhmm.
So
you can see why I'm making this a
several episode series. Right, y'all? There's a lot
to say, and, of course, I can repeat
myself 85 times. And we have I know.
And when it comes to conflict, for as
happy as we are and as strong as
our relationship is, man, we could talk for
hours because
we've never had anything big and bad enough
for us to question our relationship.
Fucking percent. We're too strong personnel. Very strong
personnel. I know I'm not the only sub
in the world with control issues.
Part of part of what I've enjoyed about
being a submissive is letting go of all
this fucking control I usually have. And part
of the struggle I'm currently having as a
submissive is in my autonomy as a submissive
and being part of a bit part business
owner and being a parent, I have a
lot of control, and I'd really like to
hand it off to somebody.
I'm tired.
So, yeah, of course, I'm we butt heads.
Yeah.
And I you know, that doesn't make me
any less submissive or him any less dominant.
Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with our relationship.
It's not that we have conflict. It's how
the fuck we handle it.
Mhmm. And if we had certain kinds of
conflict, we would be incompatible, and we we
would not be sitting here today. Correct. Thankfully
thankfully, we do not have that kind of
conflict.
And quite frankly, yes. Sometimes the only answer
to how do you handle the conflict you've
got in your power exchange, you're not together
anymore or you're not in a power exchange
anymore. I don't want that for anybody. I
want everybody to have the fairy tale happy
ending that they want.
Yeah. But that's not always the answer. Not
with that person.
But we at least have to before we
can start figuring out what do we do
with the conflict, we gotta at least be
able to fucking name it
and know, you know, what it is and
what it looks like and what it feels
like and what's causing it. Because how can
you even talk about something until you can
do that?
And I'm done lecturing.
Okay. What would you say? I
I said it all. You said it all.
One of those episodes where my throat hurts
at the end. Yeah.
I could go on, but I won't. We
can do a bonus section. Yay. Okay. I
need to drink more of my Diet Coke.
I got so caught up I was not
drinking as much as it's my one Diet
Coke of the day. Mhmm.
So we're, like, living in a budget and
being responsible with our money. Oh.
Imagine that. I hate it. So, are we
good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky y'all. And we'll see you
next week at a new time for the
livestream.
Got it. Yes? Can we talk to the
crickets, please? What have you been doing all
this time? I've been yelling at them.
Let's not let's not say I've been having
a conversation with them. I've been lecturing and
waiting.
Do you know in my head, I always
sound sharper than I am, and then I'll
go back and listen. I'm like, oh.
Oh, I I sound kinda nice. Okay. In
my head,
no. In my head, I'm a bitch. I
mean, I am a bitch. That that's
it's all internal. I don't wanna talk to
people I don't know. I could talk to
y'all. I feel like I know you, and
also, it's my Internet connection, my camera, and
my mic, so I don't mind. But, like,
out in the real world,
I'm only a bitch in my head because
I'm not talking to strangers. What the fuck?
Which, speaking of that, I go to a
new dentist on Friday, and in five months,
I get a new, gynecologist
to talk to. That'll be fun. I'm already
I'm already in my head mentally preparing the
conversations for an appointment that is in September.
I'm not proud of that.
It just it is what it is. I've
been anxiously awaiting an appointment since, what, February?
Yeah. And it's in October. October. Yeah. I
think it's right at or right before our
wedding anniversary. Yeah.
Happy anniversary.
Let somebody go poke your hand. Yeah.
So everybody helping me with a word that
I could not find. It was actually sort
of the opposite of empathetic. Empathetic, yeah. You
want your partners to be empathetic. Try to
be empathetic with one another. But there's this
kind of condescending thing that some people do
when they're taking, air quote, taking care of
their partner or they're trying to help their
partner. And condescending
is not quite the word I want, but
there's a word that goes with condescending that's
sort of the opposite of empathetic, and I
could not think of that word because there
are people who will do that. Oh, you
are you are, you know, hurting or you
need help.
I'm gonna, you know, act like I'm better
than you and know more than you
to tell you what I think you ought
to do. And it's not the empathetic thing
and it is not the the kind thing.
It's not a helpful thing.
We've
recently finished watching the second season of The
Pit.
Fucking love that show. So far, it is
the only show I have found where I
do not pick up my phone. I'm glued
to the fucking screen.
Anyway, so,
bonus section.
Well, I'm I'm I'm stoked. I'm I'm sitting
here in my kilt. I know. I'm glad
that and you look good in it. You
just you look. I think you look sexy
in your dusty work clothes, but, I mean,
in a kilt,
I mean, a girl could remember just how
submissive she can fucking get is all I'm
saying. I I will say I I am
very glad to be back in the gym.
Yeah. I think it's been good for you.
And Not just physically.
Being, you know, being able to exercise in
the pool Mhmm. Has been great. Hell, just
getting the weight off your back. Yeah. Mhmm.
I am not taking doing the class
that they offer. No.
No.
They do aqua aerobics,
aqua whatever. At this gym, they offer classes
throughout the week. JB did take the class
classes last time you were part of that
gym. It's been a couple years. Mhmm.
He he became a favorite of of because
it's a lot of older people. Yeah. Right?
And you were usually, like, one of the
youngest. Right? Mhmm. He was 60 then too.
From what I remember of what you would
describe of your situations,
several of the
women felt like there was fresh meat in
that pool. Yes.
Look. You can't help it because you're, like,
handsome and charming and, you know, respectful, and
people are drawn to your quiet, like, calmness.
I and also some look. I better be
a horny old lady
when I hit a certain point in life.
Okay? And have an outlet for it. Okay?
Just But it no. It's it's been nice
because doing it on my own, I've been
able to to target the things I need
to target myself.
And,
you know, I had a hard time. I
wasn't really seeing
the difference even though you kept telling me
there. Oh, yeah. He's like, there's no difference.
And I'm watching him hike up his shorts
because he'd either forget to wear a belt,
and I'm like, that's not good. You're gonna
Yeah. Gonna show everybody London and France.
Or he'd have the belt on. He was
still hiking. I'm like, honey, your pants falling
off your ass. I promise you, you have
lost
you are shrinking, my friend. You are shrinking.
And,
so, yeah, it it's been it's been working
out it's been working out really,
really well for me as far as that
goes. I feel like you've
gotten the benefits, not just the physical benefits,
but the,
the mental health benefits. Yes. You've been sort
of calmer.
Just like you take your mental health walks.
I know. It's become I mean, it it
was funny when we were talking about switching
the time,
you know, on on Wednesdays Yeah. For the
livestream.
For the livestream,
one of the first things I said, you
know, Wednesday night, my one of my gym
nights. I was like, so what time do
you want? We will work around your gym
night because, yes, he could he change his
day? Sure. But we're not gonna do that.
This is the routine, and we're gonna maintain
There's a reason for the routine. I know.
Because you're avoiding the old ladies at the
pool class. I know.
They're sharks. Yeah. They're sharks. Tuesdays and Thursdays
is when they have the the classes there
in the evening. So I I actually go
Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Mhmm. Mhmm. And you do
get cranky if you can't go. Yeah. Yeah.
I
it was funny.
I had a hard time getting started.
Mhmm. It's usually the hardest part. After after
I got signed up, it was it was
tough taking that first step to go. Once
I got past that Mhmm.
It got easier and easier. And now I
am upset when I can't go. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to get to that
kind of point. I'm not to that
kind of point yet. So, yeah, it's it's
been it's been doing good for me, and
I I've been enjoying it. Mhmm.
I'm very happy for you. I'm I,
I was talking about about envy and jealousy.
I am very happy for him. This man
better live to be 150
for all I fucking care. We're going out
together like fucking Thelma and Louise. I do
not care. I will prop him up on
the mantle.
If I need to, he's not leaving me.
All of that is true. I want him
to be as physically healthy as he is
capable of. Will be leaning against each other
holding one another up. I might I might
get her stuffed. Just I don't think you
could live without her. We need them
anyway. Mhmm. So I am always grateful that
if he changes a food habit, works out
more, he becomes healthier. He becomes physically fitter.
I fucking love that for him.
But I will cry very real tears.
There's
so far been not a fucking thing I
have done.
Yielded the same results. This man
stopped eating
Swiss Rolls, essentially, other things. But that's basically
what he did, and he dropped 10 pounds
before he started going to the gym. I
was like, I am so happy for you
Yeah. Also. I hate this for me. I've
I've put pretty much about 75%
ball sugar.
Yeah. Without and you still, like, you still
have indulgences. We don't completely go without. Not
at all. You just you had yeah. You
kinda gotten on an emotional eating thing, and
I did. It got a little out of
control. Mhmm.
And now you got it back under control.
Yep.
I want him to have good brain health.
I want him to be as physically fit
as he is capable of being, which that's
a that's a range for everybody. Right?
I the I really did not regret whatever
we spent on your hearing aids when I
read an article that said,
folks who lose their hearing, they were hearing
and then they slowly lose it and they
have hearing loss. Higher chance for Alzheimer's. I
was like, oh, and that's for
different senses, and it's not just hearing. I
think it's
there's, like, your sense of smell too, which
makes me a little nervous for you because
you don't have a sense of smell, but
you got your hearing back. Yeah. I'll whatever
we gotta do to keep this man going
until I'm ready to leave this earthly plane.
Okay?
But
yeah.
I the the thing with my own envy,
I
we are I can express that. I didn't
have to sit and fester. I could just
be like, I'm so happy for for you,
and I'm really sad for me.
It's
fine. So It's fine. It's fine. But,
yeah, it it's it's gone very well for
me. I'm very Mhmm. Very happy.
Mhmm.
Hopefully, when I go back to see the
doctor, they'll be
Well, our our our primary care will be
ecstatic. Yeah. She will give me side eye,
but she'll be ecstatic for you. I kind
of wish you had a follow-up with the
GI doctor because you did all these changes
because the GI doctor was like, your liver.
Your liver. Right. And so it's like, okay.
Well, can we get a follow-up? Is it,
like, anything better?
And and, you know, that's yeah. That's something
I have to talk with because, like, you
know, I'm doing all these things. How do
I know if I'm heading in the right
direction? Right. Is anything improving? Right.
Yeah. So
yep. Mhmm.
And, other than that, I've been working my
butt off in the shop.
Mhmm.
I gave you a big
We've been restocking left, right, and center. I
got some thick sticks in the back. Just
for free wood butter. Big restock on on,
roughriders. Thekingcree.com.
We are gonna have a sale. I'm not
trying to diminish our our revenue right now,
but I think if you are here to
a bitter end and you're still listening to
us Mhmm. You should know there's a discount
coming. I just don't know when it'll start.
I'm waiting for one more product to be
restocked. And I am in the process of
making that. That would be the infamous
Thumpers. Yep. And
can I t can I
mention the thing, or do you wanna Go
ahead? So
the original Thumper, the Thumper is very quiet.
It's very thuddy. Mhmm. We literally sold out,
like, within hours the first day. We did
not have enough. We will not have enough
the next time because we just don't have
enough wood. But we thought it was going
to be an even more limited restock because
Jamie's working on them now,
because
he uses two inches by two inches
thick wood,
and he had some of that wood. Two
by two squares. Right. He had some of
that wood, but he also had smaller wood.
And we don't like wood to go to
waste. I was like, can that wood be
used for anything else? Probably not. Maybe not.
Blah blah blah. So I threw out the
suggestion of what if we had our standard
size thumper, which by the time it's turned
it's like
one and three quarter inch
wide thick, however you want it. And it's
round. It's a it looks it looks like
a Billy Club is what it looks like.
I was like, well, for the smaller wood,
could we not just do a smaller version
and have two sizes? Maybe not always. Maybe
not as a constant restock. And at first,
it was like, no. No. No. And I
went, okay. Because I'm not the toymaker, y'all.
I throw out the ideas,
but that's because I don't have to stand
there and make them. Mhmm.
And somebody came back and went, I've thought
about it. At least every so often, yes.
Because we do not we do not wood
is expensive, y'all. We do not let wood
go to waste around here. And we've been
gifted wood from some of, you know, friends
you had, and it's like, we're not letting
that go to waste. No. If we can
make it into some kinky fuckery shit, we
will. Yeah. I mean,
I I did not think I had that
many shorts. Yeah. You know, I thought I
really had much more than that. But then
when I really went through the pile and
saw the amount of shorts,
like, gotta do something. So all I'm waiting
on the what is left to be restocked
Mhmm. That will be restocked before sale starts
is the thumpers. Yeah. I've actually had to
take them off the site because we were
getting so many sign ups for when they're
back at the restock notice
that not everybody would purchase from it. There
would be so many, we wouldn't even have
any for a sale. So What what held
me back a little bit with those,
when I had the old lathe
I had bought
what they called a steady rest
it's used for spindle work when you have
long when you're doing longer spindle work on
the lathe this gives center support so you
don't get any
flex or bowing in what you're working on.
So it turns right. So, yeah. Lay people
like me. Mhmm. So it's round. And,
did not think about it at the time
when I upgraded to the new lay last
year.
Which is almost paid off. Yep.
When upgraded to that,
did not catch right away that it would
not fit right
on the new lathe.
And,
luckily I was able
to re engineer it,
So now it does fit on the new
lathe and and, man, I can just push
forward with this stuff now.
Mhmm.
Yep.
So, yeah, that's Never happen. I won't I
don't wanna start the sale until we get
some more thumpers. Mhmm.
We won't be doing a
diabolical stick restock until the May because that's
on our schedule. Those get restocked every couple
of months.
Hopefully, like evil sticks and other things might
get restocked Yeah. For the sale. But though
he can make those relatively quickly. So Right.
I don't worry about that. But thumpers were
so popular last time we put them out,
and people I'm getting when I get DMs
on social media for, like, where is this
product, I know it's one like, we have
to bust ass to get it back out.
So,
yeah, when we do a sale, I like
to be as stocked as we can.
Yeah. So that's what we're waiting on. And
with all this stuff I've been doing in
the shop, I've been getting to feel like
I'm a poster child for a liquid bandage.
Yeah. But
Came outside to the shop yesterday or you
came in something. I saw your hand. You
were pointing,
and there was a smudge where clearly
he had hurt himself. And then I saw
the glossy
overlay on the skin. I was like, oh,
he sprayed himself
with the fire that is liquid bandage. He
has offered when I've cut myself, I'm like,
you're not coming near me with that. I
mean, are are you trying to burn the
flesh off my bones? I'm
I'd rather you just pour straight fucking alcohol
on it. No. No.
No. I'll just bleed.
Just give me a bandage. I'll just bleed.
It'll be fine.
I'm a good clotter. Okay? So I don't
have to worry.
It's fine. Okay.
That liquid, baby. That is from the fiery
pits of fucking hell. Okay? No. I don't
care how good it is. I nope.
Nope. Get that shit away from me.
Thankfully, he has not been letting me do
things in the shop where I could cut
myself. Mm-mm. I don't know if that's a
happy accident. That's on purpose.
Because even though the rule is Kayla doesn't
does not work with, like, spinning blades, like,
I'm not doing the saws. Things now. No.
I do I am allowed to use a
putty knife, and I have cut myself multiple
times with a rogue putty knife. So
Yep. You do have to watch me.
I promise none of our DNA is on
the product, please. So
I get me an alcohol wipe real quick.
It looks like our DNA is gonna be
on something.
Okay. Yeah. It's it Yeah. This one this
one ran long. Oh, I wanna go back
to the live chat because thanks to the
folks who try to find my words for
me.
It was stupidly obvious. The silent patronizing
was the word I was looking for. I
think I was thinking of another word adjacent
to being patronizing, but patronizing was is essentially
what I was looking for. Yeah. Yeah. Thank
you. That word that word I could not
think of.
So,
yeah, I guess we can go Yeah.
And be done.
I'm gonna just move the camera back a
little bit. So just show your kilt. Okay.
My customer's name very end of the If
you would like to see JB in a
kilt, you have to come to this particular
video, which is linked in the show notes
when this episode was live for you. And
just fast forward to the very end, and
you'll get to see JB in a a
kilt. But he does have to move the
camera for it. Yep. I can move the
camera for it. Okay. Why don't you You
trust me with Yeah. Go ahead. Now could
I just we do the lens? Sure. But
I'm not allowed to do the lens. No.
No. Because we'll never get it back the
way that it should have been if I
do that.
Now hopefully, I don't drop everything as the
camera
travels back. Oh, I see your knees. That
should don't flash anybody. Trying not to.
Yeah. It's you in a kilt. I am
Back up a little bit more so we
could see more of your knee. I am
I am so stoked to be able to
wear this thing again. And man, when you
pair it with your and you got a
little butt so you like you got that
skirt coming up in the back.
As somebody with a butt, I know that
feeling.
Just saying. Okay. I'll bring it back forward.
Look at me with the camera. I can't
believe you trust me with the tripod and
the camera. The very expensive camera.
Hey. You got it right on the mark
there. That's why the mark is there. So
I could get it right there. And, yes.
Silent. Yes.
Sir Richard is in the corner over there
on the south side of the corner. Yeah.
Yeah.
So
that would be Sir Richard of Aubergine. Aubergine.
Yeah. A giant purple penis.
Yeah. Oh, there I am.
The delay caught up. The delay caught up.
Yeah. You look so good.
Yeah. Anybody with a booty knows the, the
skirt that goes up in the back. Yeah.
Yeah. Me too. There's back in the day
when I would wear, like, stuff like that,
there were certain things I would not wear
because Ah. It didn't matter if it was,
reasonable to me in the front,
ass cheeks to be hanging out. So what
happens when you got curves back there? There's
plenty of junk
in this trunk. And, apparently, you've got a
little junk in your trunk too. Apparently so.
Apparently so. Well, guys think your butt's cute,
but, you know, I'm sort of You're a
little biased, maybe? Maybe a little bit. Maybe
a little bit. Yeah. I also think you
have sexy legs, but I think that is,
like, legit. Like, I think
people who would think a body part is
sexy
and are into legs, I think they would
look at your legs and be like, yeah.
Now when you're riding your motorcycle full time
Mhmm. You had, like, soccer player legs. Like,
you
could crush a watermelon with those thighs. I
was like,
I volunteer to tribute. Like,
there's some I mean, that's
shit.
Anyway Anyhoo.
Sorry. Anyhoo.
I'm being inappropriate on live streaming this podcast.
Sorry.
Okay. So now that you have,
let everybody see you and your kilt Mhmm.
We're gonna we're gonna go. Go. Thank you
all for being here. Yep. Appreciate each and
every one of you. Especially for staying to
the bitter end where the real weird shit
happens. We will see y'all next week for
the live stream at a different time. Podcast
listeners, you will not notice the difference. The
podcast will come out at the same time
as usual.
Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye.