You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four seventy nine. Kayla Lourdes here with the
one, the only, the guy who got sick
twice with unusual symptoms that don't not a
cold, and then just gave me a really
weird count in. So I was like, do
you want me to talk? I don't know.
Very confusing. John Brownstone.
Okay. She said submissively.
Sure. Yeah. You're here. Yeah. Very grateful for
that. Me too. I'm sure we'll without going
into details because, you know, personal medical records.
I'm sure we'll talk about it later. Sure.
Right. But that's not what we're doing today.
No.
Did I set this entire episode up just
so I can bitch for, like, an hour
to an hour and a half? Yes. I
did. Yes. I did. Because this week, we're
gonna talk about kinky pet peeves. Oh. I'm
gonna share a couple that had me just
ready to rip my hair out a couple
weeks ago. Mhmm. And then some folks actually
read the email newsletter. Thanks, y'all.
And emailed with their own,
Kinky Pet Peas, and we will react to
those. Okay. Yeah. Alright. So an hour hour
to an hour and a half of just
complaining. Sounds cool to me. I know. I'm
excited.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday, and
show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
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you enjoy this, We would love a positive
rating or review.
It really does help other kinksters find us.
Come back often and nope. I already said
that. How do scripts work? I don't know.
I'm also watching JB because somehow
I'm not able to talk loud enough, but
we'll keep going.
You can follow the show on FetLife at
loving BDSM PC, on Instagram and technically threads
at loving d s and the number one.
It's at loving d s one. Yes. The
handle I will forever fucking hate. On Blue
Sky at loving BDSM
or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm
where you can watch us live, stream the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes.
There we go.
No. What happened
there? Oh my gosh. Everything is a hot
mess express today. Yeah. It is.
Nothing seems to be working right. Mm-mm. Nothing
wants to play nice. No. I hope whatever
you had to do so that we didn't
sound like we were echoey, did not compromise
podcast
audio. Hope not not not not not not
not not not not not not not not
not. God. Hey. We have one of those
days where you're like, maybe I should just
go back to bed. We'll try this again
tomorrow. I'm okay with that.
But so,
before we get into,
this week's episode, a couple of things.
Actually, yeah. More than a couple of things.
Where were we last week? JB got sick.
And then he got better and then he
got sick again. Mhmm. We're we're here.
You feeling better? Yeah. Okay. That's all that
matters. Oh, then I'm
Well, you're hot and sweaty because you're just
having to fix sound quality on live stream.
Not at the privacy. On the fly. Not
the privacy of our own office with nobody
watching.
We had, like, a dozen people watching.
Mhmm.
Impression.
The next thing,
I'm sorry, YouTube. I could not link to
this in the description box. It's linked in
our link tree if you're interested.
The Cage, which is a kinky community, they've
got a bunch of stuff. They've got forums.
They've got, like, they do people do blogs,
all kinds of stuff.
Now has a podcast feed
where a bunch of kinky podcasts that they
have sort of found and they know about
They're curating it. They've put in one page.
So for everybody who is like, hey. Wait.
Where can I find more kinky podcasts?
At the cage. The cage. I let me
see. Let me for podcast folks, it's the
not podcast folks. Podcast folks, it's linked in
the show notes. For YouTube folks, it's thecage.co,coco./podcasts
with an s on the end,
or the link is in our Linktree.
After YouTube has, like,
dicked around and fucked around and put me
in the corner one too many times, I'm
terrified about what I can actually link to.
I know. Lola sounds like she would like
to come back in. K.
Friday night, this Friday April,
I think that's how dates were,
is supposed to be our Friday night livestream.
I say supposed to because I don't trust
YouTube anymore.
We plan on being there,
but
will YouTube let us? I don't know.
So
Friday, April 17, 8PM
eastern.
We're here till 10PM eastern,
assuming
we get to stream at all. I don't
trust YouTube,
even though I'm being much more careful than
I used to be.
So
those are the things. Okay. You were sick.
Yep. The cage.co/podcast.
Yep. Friday night livestream. Yep.
Woo. All the above. Okay.
So,
oh, there's Ella.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now let's get into some pet peeves. Okay.
The first two are mine because I really
did need an outlet to complain
about this. Oh my god. So the first
one is not one I see in kink
spaces a lot. I do see it,
with people who are trying to talk about
BDSM and kink. I am actually seeing it
more on the romance reader side of, the
algorithm.
Okay.
And it
is treating BDSM,
like the whole umbrella BDSM,
as if it is somehow separate from kink.
So one of the examples I saw that
made me twitch
Clenched my jaw, I twitch. I think my
eyebrow might have, like, gotten a spasm. I
don't know. They were going through
kinks that are in some of these books,
like the tropes or the kinks you can
find. If you're into reading this kink, read
these books. Right? So we had things that
were legitimate kinks. We had breeding kink. We
had
hair pulling. We had and I was like,
oh, I'll be like, okay. Yeah. I guess.
Sure. Like, okay. We can do it. And
then and then we got to if you
have a BDSM
kink
and I was like a what now?
A a what now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You
should yeah. BDSM
kink?
What?
So for anybody who's like, yeah. That sounds
right. Look. We can all we all get
to think what we wanna think about these
things. I'm gonna tell you how I
Yeah. You would View it. You would actually
sent me that and, when I watched it,
I kinda just I I kinda did yeah.
Did a double take of like, what'd they
say? No. So if for anybody who's like,
okay. But how do you aren't they separate?
I don't think so. To me, kink is
the umbrella term that encompasses both BDSM and
fetish.
Fetish is things that are within BDSM can
be fetishes, but literally anything on the planet
can be a fetish. A fetish is something
that is either
the item, the act, the whatever is sexually
arousing for somebody
or it is needed
to be present or part of a sexual
experience for that person to
be aroused, have an orgasm,
want to do the thing at all. Okay?
That is a very very simplified definition of
fetish. There is nuance. There's a whole I
think we may have done an episode ages
ago where we talked about what's the difference.
BDSM
is
a huge umbrella term on its own. Bondage,
discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism,
and a lot of shit falls within BDSM.
Yeah. To me, kink is the
complete like, I just wanna be I'm simplifying
both of those things down. Fine. Kink. Mhmm.
But BDSM is not a kink.
No. Not in in and of itself. No.
Like, what? Like, what? Yeah. I was very
annoyed by that. I'm
sure that the folks who would be watching
or listening to us would be like, yeah.
I know. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. It and it was not
the only time I saw that. It was
just, like, the one that stuck in my
mind. I just saw different people talking about
BDSM,
and and they treated it like it was
somehow something separate from being kinky. I know
what it was. I read an article or
I read a blog post. I read a
caption. I read some words. I know I
read it. And somebody said, well, you can
be into BDSM
and not be kinky. And I went, no
the fuck you can't.
Now you can consider yourself kinky and not
consider yourself
fetish. But if you were doing anything that
could possibly come under the massive umbrella that
is BDSM,
honey, that's kinky.
You're you don't have to call yourself that.
You don't have to say you're into BDSM.
You could just say you're kinky. You don't
have to use labels or terminology
at all. But let us not fucking pretend
that they are two separate things that you
can
just say you're kinky, do the BDSM things,
and not at least fucking admit that it's
BDSM. Now I know why some people might
not want to admit that it's BDSM. That
is the big scary thing and you are
somehow,
you know, gonna go to hell for it
or you're, you know, a pervert or you're
whatever whatever. Like, whatever negative connotation somebody might
think about BDSM. And so to say kinky
is the safer term.
But I'm a bitch who will, like,
fight about semantics.
And if we're gonna talk about this shit,
let us at least be fucking accurate and
honest.
On a personal level, a person can choose
to say, I'm just gonna say that I'm
kinky. I'm not gonna, like, actually identify with
the different things that will fall under BDSM.
That's
fair. But anybody who wants to talk to
the world about BDSM and kink and fed,
we are not going to pretend like they
are somehow two separate fucking things.
They are not.
They are not. They are
not. The VIN diagram is actually between BDSM
and Fetish because there's crossover there. Mhmm. The
whole fucking circle though is kink. It's all
kink. It's all kink. It's all kink.
It's like people who tell me that they're
into spanking but they're not into BDSM. And
as a lifestyle thing, I would agree with
that. Yeah. You can be into spanking and
not be into BDSM. But you are doing
impact
and you are doing sensation and you are
possibly doing pain
and you are probably doing
dominance depending on how you feel about that
spanking. And depending on where where you fall
within what it is about the spanking that
you're down for. I promise you it falls
under the classification of BDSM
somewhere.
You don't personally have to say, I'm into
impact play. That's this part of BDSM for
me, you don't have to do that. But
let's at least be honest.
Let's be accurate.
I'm just saying.
Okay.
And somebody said, yeah. It's, awkwardness panda said,
yeah. It's all kink. And it kinda all
is. That's why I think kink is the
umbrella term. Use that for whatever you mean.
Right. But I'm no. We're not gonna pretend
it's separate from BDSM. We're just not. We're
just not. Okay. Here's one that once I
saw it once, I swear to you, I
saw it a dozen separate times.
I read it in at least one book,
maybe two. I saw it in two separate,
posts on Instagram,
from different people who talk about I've gotten
on I don't usually have this in my
algorithm when I'm on Instagram, but I'm on
the kinks side. And and people I've never
heard of are coming up. And some of
them are are smart. I'm saving their posts
because I'm like, oh, I'm gonna reference us
back later. Yeah. And some of them, I'm
like, oh, somebody needs to take your Internet
away from you. Why? Yeah. You made a
graphic. You made 10 graphics. You posted them
with pride, and half of this is wrong.
I don't say that to them, but I
did think that. Anyway
and then I read it in an article.
So I saw this several times. Goodness. I
ground my teeth every time. Full disclosure,
I used to say this. JB used to
kind of say this.
We don't say it like this anymore.
But I think everybody's heard it at least
once.
Submissives have all the power.
All the power.
Dump.
Shh. You We're power. You ain't got shit.
We ain't nothing. Yeah. We ain't nothing. So
here's the thing.
I understand and I think I saw somebody
on Instagram talking about this. Why people say
that? It's a comfort. Mhmm. It reminds the
submissive that you're not, you know, ideally, if
everything is going the way it's supposed to,
you're not being abused. You are not being
subjugated. You you know, this is not only
is this a choice, you have the ability
to stop things if you need to. And
I think there's nothing wrong with reminding submissives
of their personal power, but they do not
have all of the power. No. Everybody's
supposed to have power here. Mhmm. And you
use it however you need to use it
Right. Including being able to withdraw consent. But
submissive that I think I've complained about this
before. If submissives have all the power,
because
I'm, you know, a pedantic bitch,
You're saying doms have none of the power,
and that just doesn't make any fucking sense.
It just doesn't.
Well, let me say again. I used to
say it. I used to it is a
very comforting thought. If you're about to go
in and do something scary Mhmm. Mhmm. Or
something that goes against everything you've been taught.
Or everything you thought you believed. Or everything
you think you know about relationships.
Saying something like that to yourself can feel
empowering.
But we just need to take the all
out of it. Yeah. Submissions have power. Because
the Muslims
are are also supposed to have agency and
be able to advocate for themselves. And they
have wants and needs. And you get to
consent that power. They don't get walked over
walked on. Unless you just negotiated them so
you have more power to you. But that's
something separate. Right?
I did I mean, it was a thing
that once I saw it once, I saw
it every fucking way. Yeah. Yeah. I saw
it
everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere.
So
yeah. I'm I need us to, like, take
that out of our vocabulary.
I mean, I could look.
I am a bitch in places and spaces
and with people that I'm uncomfortable with. Hi.
I'm comfortable with y'all. I would never go
into somebody's comment section and be like, please
stop saying this. I know some people who
would. I'm not that girl. Will I complain
to y'all though? Yes. Yeah. Fuck I will.
Because somebody out there is that type of
person and you will come across it and
you will say the thing that I can't
say. So I'll tell you in one day
when it makes you grind your teeth. You'll
tell somebody. Stop saying that shit. Stop saying
that shit. It's you know, it is meant
well. I think most people don't mean it
to be, well, my Dom is just my
kink dispenser and they're just gonna do what
I wanna do want them to do or
whatever whatever. And quite frankly, many of the
newer submissives I tend to come across, that's
they're not worried about that. They're very worried
about, you know, even asking for what they
want. Yeah. It doesn't even necessarily occur to
them that they have any amount of power,
sadly.
But it is such just this false view
of
it takes everybody's autonomy away. Like, it just
no. No. No.
Even though we negotiate
come to this as equals.
What you choose
to do with that and how that looks,
fine. Fine. Fine. But if everybody is truly
equal Mhmm. Then that means everybody has power.
How do it's been a while since I've
said this, but,
it's a
it's two equals negotiating a power imbalance. Yes.
Yes.
Okay. So I complained. Do you wanna add
anything to that? You feel good about that?
I just needed to get that off my
chest. I needed to complain
to somebody.
Alright.
Carry on. The next ones Mhmm. Are ones
that were sent to us. So I'm gonna
read it, explain it as I understand it.
A couple Okay. A couple of them I've
combined because they were similar enough. And then
we will say what we think about this.
Alright. Now, for these,
some of these, at least one of them,
I think reasonable people might disagree on it
and I think it's okay.
My my pet peeve or your pet peeve
might not be somebody else's pet peeve and
that is fine. I specifically asked for things
that are not inherently harmful,
you know, extra risky,
like, we're like, yeah. We we know those
should be more than pet peeves. These are
things that
aren't the aren't the end of the fucking
world, but can we make some of these
go away? Because they're not helpful either. At
least the the first few. The last one?
I think the last one's gonna divide the
Internet. Okay. The first one.
So
it goes, it's not the the
thing people believe or say. It's not BDSM
unless it's
then insert a preconceived limitation. So it's not
BDSM unless it's high protocol. It's not BDSM
unless you have impact play. Unless you have
a collar, unless you have a contract.
The other way somebody kind of said it
is if you aren't doing DS like everyone
else, it's wrong and not the true way.
Boom.
So on one side of that peeve, it's
very specific. Somebody's like, well, if you don't
have this thing, then it's not actually BDSM.
Yeah. And then we also have the other
thing where there's the Venn diagram crosses of
there's a one true way to do power
exchange, which, of course, there's not. Yeah.
Of course, there's not.
Agree
that
that this is I agree with this pet
peeve. I I do wish people would stop
doing it because it is limiting.
It, you know, makes people think they're somehow
doing something wrong because they're not following a
script or they're not following scripts. It gives
people a very narrow focus. Very narrow. BDSM
in general and and
relationships within BDSM, power exchange, whatever, however you
do it, is one of the most customizable
things I've ever fucking come across in my
life.
Because every element of what is in this
lifestyle
is not just
a set in stone. It's a spectrum.
Yes. It is a spectrum from one end
to another, and you can
curate it to be anything
you want it to be. And that's the
thing we spend a lot of time telling
folks, newer folks, which
is you do not twist yourself into knots
to fit some preconceived notion of what power
exchanges or what kink is. Mhmm. You make
it fit you.
You work with your real life, your
personal desires, needs,
things you wanna try, curiosities, the Venn diagram
with a partner of what they want and
need and are into, and then you see
where do we combine and crossover
and and you make it your own. And
it will not necessarily look like anybody else's
kink life, and that is a 100%
fucking okay.
If it does start to look like everybody,
you know,
everybody else's kink life, one, that's boring. And
two, I promise you,
Somebody is unhappy because people just are not
built that way. We are all very individual.
There will be,
you know, commonalities
amongst some
subsections of people, but no two
power exchanges are identical. You could have somebody
who on paper probably sounds like our power
exchange, and all it takes is one element
of their life to be a little bit
different. And it's a completely different experience.
So Mhmm. Yeah.
Or as JB said, boo.
You're welcome. Oh, god.
Okay. This next one is another kind of
fill in the blank.
You can't be submissive because you're too old.
You're too heavy.
You're a man. Yeah. Oh, my God. The
whole all dogs are men, all subs are
female
bullshit. And and, you know, I I was
just I was just thinking when you were
talking about that how,
you know, one of the things I hear
so much about
and,
god, it makes me just
Mhmm.
You can't be a baby girl because you're
too old. You can't be a little because
you're too old. The amount of people who
are like, I I'm a little. I'm I
wanna be a baby girl. I wanna be
not. But I'm 60, so I can't be
yeah. The fuck you can. You can.
Fuck you can, baby. Yeah.
Be who you want. Whatever, like, speaks to
you, whatever feels right.
If the language of all that doesn't feel
right to you, not because you think you're
not supposed to, not because you think you're
gonna be rejected or you think there's some
sort of age limit, up upper age limit,
No. You can use those terms. If the
terms kinda make you squidgy, but the the
vibe is there, then you find your own
term. Yeah. But, yeah, there's there's no age
upper age limit. No. There is a lower
age limit. There's no upper age limit on
any part of kink. There is no gender
requirement for any part of kink. Nope. I
mean, every every time somebody bitches, usually, it's
a non in a non kink space.
And it somehow,
the the not the kink
crept into a vanilla space and somebody complains
about how it's just BDSM power change, whatever
term they use, kink is just another way
for men to abuse women. I'm like, because
you're assuming all of the men are doms.
Like, yes. There are men who are doms.
There are women who are doms. Right. There
are gender fluid, non binary don't have a
definition
to their gender
folks who are doms because it's not your
gender doesn't fucking determine
what side of the slash you're on.
Absolutely. And that's just the that's just the
gender thing or, like, the age thing. There
is, you know, there is you could people
think you're too old for this. Look. The
only thing I'm too old for is to
get as, like,
freaky kinky as we used to ten years
ago. Yeah. This body don't move like that.
I may not be able to flog as
long as I used to, but That's the
only limitation of the age.
But but it goes back to and it
goes back to the overarching one true way
or it's not like if you if you
don't do this thing or you are not
that person, which is just putting limitations
Right. On who can do the thing,
who is considered, you know, acceptable or
it's okay for them to do it or
it makes sense. Like, none none of that
fucking matters. I swear
I'm I know most of the people who
say shit like this have never been to
a munch in their fucking lives. Just not
even the dungeon, not even a party, not
even a workshop. You just walk into a
munch and you're like, oh my god. That
person could be my accountant.
That person
looks like my plumber. Like,
we're just real fucking people. Mhmm. And quite
frankly, I got them back in the day
when I was first, like,
new to actual in person community.
The munch was like, wow. These just look
like people I'd see in the grocery store
because they are. Must be real. And then
that same night, I think, it I think
it was the first time we went to
the munch, but maybe it was another time.
We go to the dungeon afterwards and I'm
like, oh, all these people who look like
they could be like, at the company picnic
on the weekend,
I didn't know that was their kink. I
didn't know that's how they identified. I didn't
know that's what they would put on their
body or do with their body.
And it's even in
small communities that are, like, a little too
homogeneous, like, overly white or overly, like, 45
plus or whatever whatever,
you know, you will still see things you
did not expect to see. People will absolutely
blow your mind and blow all of your
preconceptions
and your cliches and your stereotypes out of
the fucking water because somebody's gonna be a
freak that you did not know existed. In
a I say that in a good way.
I do not say that majorly. And you're
gonna be like Yeah. Not only did I
not know that existed,
you are not who I would picture in
my mind for any of this. But and
and yet it's, you know, completely valid and
true to who they are. True.
BDSM,
kink. If we should use the word kink,
is the most fucking
individuals who are participating in it.
That's okay. What they're into and how they
express themselves. I mean, quite frankly, we've met,
you know, in one very small kind of
community, we met a couple of cross dressers
and that was their thing, cross dressers. They
did not identify at least at that time
as trans or anything else. They just
they were cis men who liked to dress
as women and even they had two of
the the most different styles. I was like,
you look like you should be at the
PTA meeting,
and you look like you should be on
a pole. And both are valid, and it's
all fascinating. It's all fucking fascinating.
Yeah.
So does that pet peeve also get a
boo?
Boo.
That's our rating system now y'all.
That is our rating system.
This JB booing.
Okay.
Now this one
Okay. This is the one I think could
divide the Internet because I know some people
who feel very strongly
in both directions. Okay? Okay. Okay.
It's the,
the way this person worded it, the killing
of grammatical conventions in the name of power
conventions in the name of power exchange. So
the excessive capitalization of anything dominant, which I
do. I if I am in in a
kink space talking about kink, I capitalize that
fucking d in Dom.
It's lowercase for submissive names. Now I always
lowercase
sub or submissive, but I have absolutely seen
people who are talking about themselves. They're writing
their names Oh, yeah. Like in a in
a chat or into this or that.
And the dog's name is capitalized. The sub's
name is lowercase. You know, like, if they
say, you know, start I, it would be
a lowercase I. Right. And then the other
example and I haven't seen this in ages,
but I know it happens. It's the people
who use and the example they gave us,
the word you
Mhmm. Capital y slash
little y Yes. Where your slash when you're
and it's usually like we. Right? That's where
I see it the most. We, blah de
blah. And the we represents the power exchange.
And the way the we would be written
is
upper case w
slash lower case w to show
the differentiation between this. Between the two. Right.
So that is that person's pet peeve. Mhmm.
I'm
intimately familiar with those Oh, yeah. Those ways
of writing it out. Mhmm. How do you
feel about it? Yeah. You know,
I I remember when I first came into
the lifestyle,
and again, like, you know, at that time,
high protocol Mhmm. Was a was a big
thing.
And I saw it used
quite a bit.
Mhmm.
And
I have not seen it as much. I
don't I think I don't think it's as
common as it once was. In the kink
spaces. Oh, sure. Lola, walk across all of
the cores to the camera. This is fine.
So,
you know, yeah. I I did see that.
I
and for a while, I did I tried.
I did try to do that. It didn't
it did not feel right for me. No.
It it did not feel right for me
either.
But what I noted, at least in the
circles that I ran in Mhmm. You know,
yeah. It's okay if you do it. It's
okay if you don't. Yeah. You know, it's
not a
For some and yet for some people,
it is
a thing that they require.
Yeah, it's part of their
dynamic, but it's not a,
I don't know how you would say it,
you know, blanket. Because right. Because there's nothing
that's required Right. Under in BDSM Mhmm. Beyond
Yeah. Risk management and awareness and Mhmm. Communication.
Yeah. Yeah. I I think if somebody
many customizations.
There and there are ways that I do
it
when I'm specifically writing about kink in kink
spaces
that I have always kept. The dom is
gonna be a capital d, submissive is gonna
be a little s.
It's
like, my eyes kinda do a a a
what? When I'm reading, like,
a an article, like, in Cosmo or whatever.
Right? And they're talking about dominance and submission.
And the d in dominance is lowercase. I'm
like, what?
That doesn't look right.
Even though it's technically true.
But I also know as a reader, as
a person who's trying to read words on
a screen,
it can be distracting once we start adding
in a bunch of slashes. Yeah. You know?
Quite frankly, if I were if somebody were
to ask and actually wanted my opinion in
the sense that they planned on, like, following
my opinion and nobody has to. We all
fucking know that. I would say that if
you just if you want to represent the
relationship
because you it is most common in words
like we. Right? Because it's
it is talking about both people in some
way. Just fucking capitalize w. Because if the
dom is the dom, the powerful one, the
one in charge, the then we're gonna know
we means y'all.
But even that would still be weird to
read, I think. I think, you know, for
I think I'm not the only person like
this. I think I handle it.
Like, I'm okay with it most the time.
But for many readers, anything that kinda breaks
your concentration as you're going or breaks your
flow as you're reading Mhmm. And you have
to go back over and go, what the
hell did I just I can see that
is a pet peeve. I mean, it's not
a pet peeve of mine because I've gotten
to a point where I kinda
I would I would not do it. I
don't think it's necessary, but other people do
feel like it's necessary. And it's a personal
choice, but I do a 100% understand why
it would be a pet peeve. Yeah.
Because
as a reader, anything that breaks that flow
of me reading something,
and I it's a little bit like having,
you know, a rock in your shoe. Right?
Like, it's now the only thing you can
fucking notice and feel. It's so I I
get I a 100% get it. Okay. But
I do think it goes back to being
personal choice. Yes. Absolutely.
And I also think people can be like
like me and find your your personal happy
medium where you don't have to follow. First
of all, none of these conventions are required.
But if they speak to you and you're
like, yes. I would like to to use
them in some way, you don't have to
use all of them either. Like, I'm not
gonna not capitalize my own name.
That part of my brain that, you know,
still remembers some grammar
lessons,
does not like that to be lowercase. Like,
it just I don't nope.
But,
again, anybody can make their own personal choice
about what they wanna do. Mhmm.
So
okay.
Oh, lord. Somebody in the live chat mentioned
being born in the nineteen
hundreds. I don't wanna think about it. I
already feel ancient. Okay. Here is
another pet peeve somebody has. And it I
you know what? I think it's a pet
peeve of ours because we have a whole
podcast dedicated to it. So I think they
might agree with this one.
And that is that when when people forget
people in a power change forget
that life happens and your dynamic or your
kink
might have to, like, adjust and shift. Whether
you can't do that thing right at that
moment
or
you kinda have to put that on the
back burner to deal with the thing. I
the example that came to my mind that
is gonna get its own episode because I
literally cannot stop thinking about it
was that post that Reddit post where the
dom was trying to figure out how he
was going to they were gonna punish themselves
for not maintaining the we're gonna fuck twice
a week rule. Yeah. And I just kept
going, but but doms get to say, like,
there was a reason you didn't
fuck. And they even said in that post,
like, life got crazy, you know, this is
not a thing I could do. And Life
happens. And somebody in the dynamic wanted there
to be consequences
for that because life happens, the consequence and
this is another personal choice. The consequence would
be you do not communicate it. You know,
you didn't manage with expectations are not managed.
Something something. May maybe. Maybe.
But the fact that your actual life that
is not governed by your power exchange happened
and fucked over your power exchange.
What? Like, that that yeah. That is going
to happen. We Mhmm. You know,
if
I think it's completely normal and natural and
valid to be disappointed
Sure. A 100%.
A 100%.
But if you let that disappointment rule you,
you're going to be miserable because there are
moments and times in life. There are eras
in your life.
Yeah. And you can't always predict them. Some
you can. I promise you, any anybody who's
pregnant and in a power exchange right now,
that that baby comes, it's gonna be different
for
fucking is. That's just that's just life. That's
just life. Somebody who's moving house, moving across
the country, moving across an ocean, moving across
continent. Even across the state.
There's gonna be some stretch of time where
what you think of as your normal for
your kink life Mhmm. Will not be fucking
happening. And there is nothing wrong with being
like, oh, fuck. I hate that. Or I
wish this was different. Or what do I
have to do to make this not be
this way? Or I feel
negatively
about this.
But, man, if that's like
if you either twist yourself in a notch
to try to prevent that from ever happening,
setting yourself up for disappointment and failure,
or you
let that weigh on you to the point
that now
you're just
kind of a grumpy bitch all day every
day until you get whatever you need in
your kink life. Like, then everybody's miserable. And
what are we doing? What are we doing?
I think some level of acceptance
that the other parts of your life will
interfere with your kink life.
We
it's just it's just true. And it's one
of the very few universals in kink. There's
I don't think a lot of things are
universal, but that is one I think that's
universal. We know all too well Oh my
god. Life be like, hold my beer. Right?
Right? And you'd be thinking, oh, I'll get
through this thing, and then we can go
back to normal. And then life goes,
hold on. You are too eager.
Slow your fucking roll over there. I got
something else for you.
You know? And it on the other side,
the people who
have navigated hard times in their lives and
maintained power change their kinklet Mhmm. Don't get
too fucking smug. Okay?
Because
I I just I'm I'm I'm not a
100% sure of a lot of things. I'm
a 100% sure your time will come. There
will be something that you cannot just power
your your kink life, your power exchange can't
swim along like, go along with it and
be on top of it. Something will have
to give. There will be some disappointment somewhere.
There will be some
compromise to what you normally do versus what
you're gonna attempt to do to get through
this moment in life.
Quite frankly, those times are usually the some
of the hardest times in life. Somebody's sick.
Somebody dies. Right? Like, those kinds of moments
are where I think most dynamics and key
clients will kind of fall apart the most.
At least temporarily until you get your bearings
and go, okay. The thing this is my
new normal. Mhmm. And then you adjust to
your new normal. Right.
Kink life to look exactly the same
for your whole entire life. From the moment
you figured out what works best for you
for the next, what, fifty years of your
life? I hope everybody lives to be over
for the next, what, fifty years of your
life. I hope everybody lives to be over
a 100. Thanks.
Unless I don't like you and then I
don't hope that for you. But,
your power exchange, your kink life, the things
you do, the things you're capable of, the
things you like, the things that fit with
your life, they are going to
adjust in some ways.
It's not gonna be the exact same. It
can't be. It just
I don't say a lot of things with
certainty, but that is just a thing I
just
fucking believe. Alright.
So yeah. Just fucking accept the fact that
life's gonna happen. Mhmm.
I I have Life's gone to life.
I do have a lot of empathy for
they're typically newer folks. Either it's either a
brand new a newer power changer or they're
just new to kink who discover it the
hard way the first time. Yeah. Because
there's not
a lot out there in the bite sized
kind of pieces, the the TikToks of the
world and the tweets of the world Mhmm.
That will give you that nuance. And so
if you're trying to figure out your kink
life, you know, in quick easy ways or
you just get a surface level
understanding as you're diving in, you know, no.
Probably nobody is telling you that. I mean,
most newbies do are not necessarily willing to
listen up to ninety minutes of me Mhmm.
On the odd chance that one of the
sentences
will be no. No. No.
You didn't fail at Power Exchange. I promise.
Right.
And so I do have empathy for those
folks. Yeah. Because
if the if the kink world is not
giving you that message, and especially if you
were taking in those messages of there's a
true way or a real way Mhmm. And
now,
you know,
life is not letting you do the thing.
I see how people internalize that as Sure.
They're failing and not just a natural state
of being Oh, yeah. We all go through
in some way.
So
yeah. So I get it.
Okay.
I would say this falls under not healthy,
but I also
I I think it can classify as a
pet peeve because I think the definition of
this is a can be a little subjective.
K. Their pet peeve is treating people like
a kink dispenser.
I think it's a poor way to treat
people. Yeah. I don't think you you build
healthy relationships. Whether they are casual, they're long
term, they're romantic, they're sexual, or whatever kind
you don't build good solid relationships treating somebody
as a kink dispenser.
But
I think I could see it being a
pet peeve because people will fall into it.
Even well meaning people Sure. Who are like,
I, you know, I love and adore you
and we're gonna have this long relationship and
I, you know, whatever. But also can
hello. I'm gonna put in
the yes, daddy quarter. Can I please get
the give me the spanking I want
in the little plastic bubble? You know?
I wish it worked that way. Right?
So what do you think about that? No.
I I I I agree with that,
you know,
wholeheartedly.
And and that is something that
can happen on either side Mhmm. Of the
slash. Doesn't matter if you're the big d
or little s.
Either one can come across like that if
you know? So
I agree. And I think that I think
sometimes it's
it's selfishness
on a person's part. They don't actually care
about the other person. They're just trying to
get whatever they want,
and they'll Right. Treat a person however, treat
them like a kink dispenser to get their
wants.
And I you know, I think that's what
we see most often.
I can a 100%
see where
somebody is well meaning. They're not actually trying
to be an asshole asshole and will feel
bad once it's pointed out. Mhmm.
And they start maybe taking their partner for
granted.
And I can see this on both sides
of the slash because I think when we
say kink dispenser, most people think about doms
and tops who
often perform the kink thing. Mhmm. Give the
spanking,
tie the rope. Right?
And yeah. And or be the one in
control and
do the power and blah blah blah, whatever.
But I think that if we think about
kink as that big ass umbrella term,
I think submissives can be treated like kink
dispensers. Not just in the you're going to
do what I say because I'm the dom
and I get to do what I want.
Like, the the what can very well lead
to
abuse if it's not just automatically abusing. Like,
it yeah. That's nope. That can that can
happen, and that's not good. But I also
see where from a the submissive side being
treated like a kink dispenser, I think about
service subs, and I think about,
subs who
do what they're told, whether it's through an
act of service or it's just that's part
of the power exchange and they
Dom tells them to do a thing and
they do the thing.
And
when those types of subs get taken for
granted,
it's not the way we typically think of
treating somebody like a kink dispenser, but you
are. If you are utilizing their service and
their submission to your benefit
and you're not appreciating them, you're not thinking
about their needs, you have forgotten that, you
know,
maybe I need to back off, maybe, you
know, like, whatever. Let me check-in with this
person, make sure they're still good with all
these things, blah blah blah blah. I think
that is another way that people can be
treated like kink dispensers now. So missus,
if this is you, I will remind you,
you have agency and you get to self
advocate and you get to go, hey. I
feel like I'm being taken for granted over
here and something needs to be a little
different. And you get to have that conversation.
You get to bring it up.
But, yeah, I I when I hear people
talking about
being treated as a kink most
of the things I I personally see, obviously,
it's not all the conversations of the planet.
It's typically
the submissives who and that's
I I see it in femdom spaces
where,
doms are talking about male submissives who just
send them their laundry list of things. This
is what I'll do for you. This is
how I'll submit. There's been no conversation. They're
like,
you're treating me like a king dispenser. I'm
just supposed to check this off your list
and that makes that doesn't make me your
dom. Right?
So I would say it's actually an unhealthy
thing that can become abusive even if that's
not the intention.
But that attitude of treating people that way
is yeah. Of course, it's a pet peeve.
Because it's it's, you know, it's in some
ways, it's nonconsensual.
Sure. I think on a maybe not in
the
scary abusive way we think about non you
know, somebody not
respecting consent. What are words? I don't know.
But
so
on that side, it would not make a
pet it's not just a pet peeve, but
just the fact that there are people out
there who think so much about what they
want
Mhmm.
To the to the exclusion of thinking about
what their partner needs. Right.
Yes. Yes. And I I think it happens
in more subtle ways than people realize. True.
And we see those big flashy, like, here's
my laundry list of ways I'll submit,
check yes or no. Right?
Versus the more quiet. You wanna you wanna
see some of that, read some of the
comments in,
FET
pictures and writings and stuff. Oh my god.
Yeah. The
the DMs. Thankfully, I don't get them a
lot anymore. I'm very quiet on FetLife.
But when I was a little bit more
active and a little bit more round and
oh my god. And I was like, look,
you didn't even read the bio because I'm
the wrong one to be sending this to
to begin with. And yet the,
so called doms, the air quote doms that
send the, I am your master now. You
will kneel for me. I am not your
king dispenser either. You know what I mean?
Not any sub, not your sub. Mhmm. And
I think that goes along with that concept
as well.
Okay. This one I added at the end
because there might be an episode in this
and I've seen a couple, like, back and
forths
on the Internet and people talking in comments
and so it came to mind.
And that's treating your kinky wants
the same as your kinky needs. You're nice
to haves. You're this would this would make
me feel good, but I don't
need it. Yeah. Now I think somebody can
make an
argument that we don't none of us actually
need kink.
Like, it's not it's not what, you know,
food, shelter, water,
air conditioning.
Right. Or you eat depending where you live.
Those are needs.
And I, you know, a reasonable person would
say kink is not a need. Those of
us who know that we are hap happier
and we function better Mhmm. And life
is better on some levels, relationships are better
on some levels, who would say, no. No.
I know I need kink. That's that's who
I'm talking to and who will get this.
Okay? So yes. Yes. Yes. I understand. No.
It's not a a thing that you need
to, you know, continue to breathe and move
through the world. However,
for happiness and wholeness and
satisfaction of life, there are those of us
who would say we need it. Right? I
do better in a relationship when I am
the
see I have seen a few times recently
where people are talking about their wants and
how we define our wants and our needs
are, again,
very individual,
very unique to the person.
But it I think it goes back to
that damn post
about punishing a dom for not fucking them
twice in a week.
You wanted to have sex twice a week.
Yeah. That's not the same as
the need
to get enough sleep at night to maintain
some kind of order so you can function,
keep yourself, you know, your mental health in,
hopefully, a stable place. Right?
And I do think people conflate their kink
wants with their kink needs, you know.
Or they think everything they want is a
need. And Mhmm. I go back to when
we did the,
the take on hierarchy Hierarchy needs. Yes. Kink
needs. Like, what I need to
be settled and comfortable and willing to do
the hard work of a relationship
is the power exchange.
I'm you know, I could maybe I'm a
little flexible on the flavor of the power
exchange because it's unique to the individual. Right?
The other things, the spankings,
the thuddy impact, the
wax play, the this, the that.
Those are things I I want them. I
want them. I miss them when I don't
have them.
But I don't those aren't I don't personally
need those things in order to
feel
comfortable and confident in my relationship.
To feel like I'm living now let's be
clear. Everybody gets to define their needs and
their wants. Yeah.
It's it's gonna be different for everybody. Else
is like, no. But I have to have
impact play or it is not a good
relationship to me,
then I'm a sure. That you get to
label that in need. Yeah. But
I just the way I've seen people talking
about it, I'm like, no.
It's either
and you're conflating an,
a want with a need or we've got
a major incompatibility and your needs are not
matching your partner's needs. And your your partner
can't give you what you need
can't give you what
you need when it comes to them across
them as a want. Yeah. You know? Well,
you you have to be able
to meet Mhmm. Somewhere in the middle. And
I I also think there's a lot
of nuance there because I think that
people could you know, the definition between want
and need can be very narrow,
you know. Mhmm. And I don't think people
are should be required
to sit around and, like, try to drop
their list of what what are my needs,
what are my wants. But I would recommend
thinking about what you, you your basic needs
for your kink life Mhmm. That are gonna
help you feel like you can, like you're
living the life you wanna live and life's
not all terrible. I think it's important to
maybe know those to have an idea of
what those are. Mhmm.
But,
you know,
I just I see some folks and I
this is me being a bitch. And I
know it's me being a bitch because I
cannot possibly know their individual
feelings on how deeply they feel like they
need these things. But I have seen some
folks talking about some very superficial things
that
and they were speaking about it superficially.
So that got to be my assumption that
it was a a superficial thing
that were,
you know,
more important than a partner's
individual needs. And I think that I
I think it goes back to sometimes your
power exchange or your kink life will take
a back seat to something else going on
in your life. Right?
So and maybe it's, you know, not a
kink need versus a kink want, but your
kink wants
versus
what you need as a human being. Like,
there are
there are times when
I want a spanking. I would kill for
a spanking. JB is, like,
has broken out in a cold sweat
and can't hold food down. I don't think
I should be over there fucking demanding
a spanking
that I can definitely
live without.
Say what?
Those kinds of things. Thank you. You know,
and I think there's I think there's a
certain amount of selfishness
on the part of a person who will
ignore
something to that level. Like, I was Mhmm.
Probably an extreme,
you know, example, but I think that those
kinds of things happen. Somebody's like, I'm I
just got fired at my job, and my
dog
ran away. I won't say what I almost
said.
And, you know, my rent went up.
So I'm not really in the mood to
do that scene tonight. Right? And the other
person's like, but I need this scene and
you are awful for not giving me because
that was kind of the conversations I was
saying is people are awful for not giving
me into my kinky needs. They're not meeting
my kinky needs. But then part of the
conversation is like, yeah. But they couldn't fucking
possibly.
Like, what are we doing? You know? Why
not?
I think I need to stop,
reading certain parts of the Internet is what
I really think needs to happen. Yeah.
So Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
So I'm I'd like to throw one in.
Oh, please do. Okay.
I'm gonna break you.
I don't like that one either. I don't
like that one. I'm gonna break you and
build you up into what I want. You
know, and they're early Why I didn't I
don't know. I don't know why you did
the voice either, but it's fine.
Early days in my kink journey. Yeah. And
some shit I've read
where that's kind of the vibe.
Sexy as hell thought, yeah. And now that
I know some shit and I know myself
better,
the thing I see people say I'm gonna
break you down. I'm always like, what does
that mean? What are you going to do?
And I actually DNF'd a book for for
several reasons. They're kink stuff.
I'll complain about that maybe in maybe later.
I don't know. Because I need to bitch
I need to bitch to somebody other than
JB about that. Thank you.
But he already went through it. So,
they
you know, my my nowadays,
my next question is what do you mean
by that? And the book that I DNF'd
that should have been a great power exchange
kink book. Like, I was excited for it.
The way it was presented
from the perspective of this Dom
sounded like and looked like abuse. And I
went,
nope. Yep. Nope.
First of all, why do we have to
reduce somebody to their lowest point
Right. To think we're gonna
create build them back up to be healthier.
What you fucking done is maybe traumatize somebody.
Yeah. I you know, somebody somebody I knew
early early on,
had been talking with with Adom,
and they were actually going along
fairly well. Mhmm.
And then he
told this person,
well, I I'm gonna break you, and you
will not have contact with your family. You
won't have contact with your friends. I'm gonna
break you down and and build you back
up into what I want. And the thing
that the thing that gets me about that
is that
sounds
just as similar as saying,
I love you,
but I want you to change. Right. I
don't like you the way you are right
now. Yeah. Mhmm.
Okay.
You know, that
I know. Because, you know,
the sentiment
if we're not talking about, like, the actual,
like, what the fuck do you mean and
here's what it sounds like. The sentiment would
make sense to me if they if, Dom
is telling me I'm gonna challenge you. Right?
I'm gonna I'm go we're gonna, like We're
gonna push boundaries. We're we're gonna your preconceived
notion. Yeah. I'm gonna because this this topic
is coming.
And we've kinda talked about it in the
past, like, years ago.
The discomfort
of being a person who you know
you can make your own fucking decisions, but
here you are in this submissive role and
you're done telling you no, not letting you
do what's in. Telling, you know, telling you
that and you're agreeing to it. Like, you're
consenting. Like, there's a rule that goes against
how what you used to do or what
you would normally do. And there is an
inherent
discomfort in that, and only you as the
individual get to decide, do I wanna see
this? Is this discomfort at a level where
I'm willing to see it through and see
what it feels like on the other side
of it? Or is this too much and
I can't? I gotta nope out.
Challenging somebody,
especially on their preconceived notions of what they
think it means to be a
submissive
or challenging them to try
to make them, you know, be a better
submissive. That's so subjective. What do we even
fucking mean by that?
Okay. But
everybody I've ever heard
outside of some, like, fuckery fantasy
that the vibes were right and so I
didn't cringe.
Every time I've ever heard that, it I
my question is what what
why does that sound like you are about
to just bully and abuse another human being
Yeah. To then what?
Have them so dependent on you. Of course,
they're gonna be a great submissive because they're
fucking traumatized and scared and Yeah. You know?
Mhmm. No. I'm with you. I don't like
that. I don't like that at
all.
A caveat being, yes. There was a time
I found that sexy. And I would love
to come across
content,
real life or fiction,
where that was presented
and we were shown what the fuck that
meant Mhmm. And it didn't
didn't didn't come across as abusive. And it
was challenging. It was, you know,
whatever. I will go ahead and bitch about
this because it does relate Okay.
To that. There's this kink book. I DNF'd
it. I was like, well, she DNF'd it.
Did not finish. I
went, nope. I'm done. And I was like
30% through the book. And I already had
a wild premise. What was this woman
going to a strange man's house in the
mountains
because of a an insulting
ad. Where the fuck was this ad posted?
I don't know. To say, hey. If you
want to be dominated and mistreated,
as a woman, you should fill out this
form and go
visit this guy up in the mountains. Everybody
else had used it to harass this man.
The premise being an an angry ex
did that. I'm still like, where did you
put this ad that anybody fucking saw it?
Whatever. I was going with it even if
that part didn't make any sense. I was
going with it when this woman
fills out the form, does not verify that
the man saw the form, know she's coming,
drives up to a strange man's
mountain home,
presents herself, and within
thirty minutes, if I could understand the time
flow here, they are somehow kind of negotiating
that they will try power exchange.
He hasn't gotten to be his dom self
and he tried the vanilla life. This partner
who's pissed off at him and is like
humiliating him on the Internet.
So he's been missing it.
She has been dumped by four fiances.
Oh my gosh. And she's at the point
where she's like, maybe I'm the problem.
And so she's like, well, maybe I will
have this experience and see if I can
be made into,
you know, a better woman, have a better
type of relationship. Just try this thing. Something's
gotta change because I think I'm failing.
And I am going with it. I am
side eyeing. I am sure. Lola Lola, don't
knock the camera over.
I am
raising an eyebrow.
I
I am confused, but I'm going with it
because I'm here for the kink. I want
to read the kink,
and
I'll I'll just put up with it.
And then
in the space of like two pages,
And the title, by the way,
ironically enough, the title of the book was
Break Me.
So
they did, like, a five minute kind of
negotiation
where
they agreed they would try this thing, but
there were no details.
And then
she she was the her her premise, she
was gonna be like a bratty sub, and
she had a mouth on her. Right? So
she mouthed off. You know
Shush.
She said submissively.
So she mouthed off, and he
forces her
into a bedroom, what will be her bedroom
for this time, but locks her in
and does not speak to her, does not
tell her how long she will be there,
does not whatever. And his inner monologue is
I will I will break her down Yeah.
To build her back up. And I kinda
and I started going,
because I was kinda curious. I was like,
am I finally gonna
get an example of what the fuck breaking
somebody means? And is it gonna be sexy
or is it gonna be
abusive? Let's find out. Right.
And then
we get to a point, he's got a
contract.
Both, like, he's a billionaire that was part
of the premise too. Where he when he's
in a relationship or he's doing this dumb
thing, he has, like, a boiler plate kind
of contract that he always uses. And I'm
sure there's probably an NDA in there. There's
probably something. Mhmm. But he had
in his contract that his attorney that was
the other thing. The premise was I have
to have this contract to protect myself. I'm
like, no contract will protect you from BDSM
stuff. Like, that's the how the law works.
It's not legally binding.
Okay. Okay. So you see how things are
starting to add up for me. Right?
And then he's talking about this contract.
And this contract
has his hard limits,
his safe word,
his,
things he will not do, blah blah blah.
Things he's not that's not type of dom
he is. And there was no space
for her wants and
needs. He literally was that was not the
point because he had also said at some
point in this first third of the book
I made it through that it's a dom's
job
to just know.
You get to know your submissive so well
that you know what they mean. You can
you can see it in the expression on
their face. You can you can tell by
the tone of their voice. You can tell
by their acting. And your job as a
dom
is to give them what they need,
not necessarily what they want.
And once we got to the part where
the contract literally was just waiting on her
signature
and there had been no negotiation, there was
no room in the contract for her negotiation,
he had just talked about breaking her and
had shoved her crying in her room. She
screamed for literal hours until she lost her
voice. I went,
what the fuck am I reading? What the
hell?
What the fuck up? Wow. What the fuck
up?
I went, nope.
I will go on journeys with authors. I
will
forgive might be too kind of a word,
but I will overlook some some things. I'm
like, that's not best practices. That's not ideal.
If everything else is mostly okay. Right? If
it's and especially if it's not a dangerous
thing. I can be like,
that conversation probably should have been a little
longer.
You probably should've whatever. Okay.
This,
she was a red flag. Who the fuck
just drives up to somebody's mountain home Yeah.
And goes, I'm here for you to dominate
me. What?
What?
He became
a whole set of red flags. He's gonna
break her down.
Contract
no no discussions about
her limits.
She didn't get a safe word. She and
he did the whole that was the other
thing. He did the whole, you won't need
a safe word with me because I'll know.
And I was like,
nope. I can't do it. I can't do
it. I can't
do it.
I I I closed that book. I I
said that
back. I said I don't blame you. No.
No. I can I cannot do this?
I cannot do this.
Excuse me. So yeah. And I think that
happened right before I started seeing these other
pet peeves. I was just
things were annoying me. Okay?
I was very annoyed
for a few weeks there.
Oh my god. It was awful. It was
awful. And I was like, man,
I because I will even I will even
accept some pushing of boundaries
in some fiction
if, you know,
especially if it's like
we already know they're not the best person.
Like, the dark romance where the the person
is, like,
a shitty human being.
I have moments where I'm like, okay. I'm
here for the vibes.
Will the sex be good? Is the kink
like, is some of the power exchange stuff
gonna be good? And I have a 100%
overlooked and forgiven
some shit that would never be okay
in power exchange and in kink
for the story because it actually fits the
characters.
But this one was just I just couldn't.
I just couldn't. It was like, if we
could have a lot a list of everything,
don't do that. We just went down the
fucking list. Mhmm. Like
no.
No. I do not like that. Yeah. So,
yeah, the break me, the I'm gonna break
you thing, I'm very skeptical.
I nope.
Nope.
You're welcome, dear darling. I don't know why
somebody feels the need to bring
another human human
being mentally and emotionally,
not physically, because that's kinda
lower
in the point to the point of
you don't even kind of know who you
are anymore. Everything you thought you knew about
yourself,
you're now being maybe told as a lie
or you're doing things out of character.
Build them up. Don't break them down. Right.
The break like, the building up part
is the part that matters most.
Yeah. But what are you doing to quote
break a person now? If what we're saying
is you're challenging
them within their own
boundaries, you are pushing them in a way
that they are consenting to.
It might be something I would never personally
allow, but I can respect it because I'm
like, okay. They've consented. They know what they're
saying. We're challenging them that we are not
trying to, like, have them be a crying
mess on the floor who doesn't think they're
worthy of anything. Yeah.
Outside of role play in a scene, that's
a diff like, that's different. Mhmm. And I
and I think that there are probably very
few people who could do something like that
with the care
and
the,
focus on protecting mental health,
and emotional well-being. I don't I think most
people are not really capable of that and
should not be playing in shit like that.
I think a person who could air quote
break a person down in a way that
they
are not traumatized
by the breaking down,
I think those people are few and far
between and are an exception to the rule.
And I think most people need to stay
the fuck away from that break me shit.
Yeah. Now as part of dirty talk, as
part of a Hey. You know, a fantasy,
I'm here. Look. I accept a lot of
crazy shit for fantasy.
Okay? Some some non consent stuff that would
never be okay anywhere else.
I have read it and gone,
why was that kinda hot? I feel feel
like I should feel guilty that that was
kinda hot.
I know that was wrong. It was kinda
hot.
But no. No. I don't think most people
are equipped
for the breaking down. Yeah. I know. And
this is just my limited experience. But the
people I have come across who claim that
they're going to break down their submissive
are also the people who think that everybody
should call them Munster, and that they are
the domliest domed who ever domed
in every kink space.
And it's not confidence. It's arrogance. And Yeah.
It's dangerous, and I'm not impressed.
So I'm just saying I'm with you on
that one. Okay.
What is our official
word on I Will Break You? What what
Boo. So, yeah,
those have been some kinky pet peeves and
a rant about a book.
Imagine that.
One thing I will say I've seen somebody
mentioned not pushing somebody past their boundaries.
I have seen recently some people,
kink folks online, talking about how and I
don't necessarily disagree
that we should not be you know, doms
and tops should not push,
their partner.
Like, the goal should not be to get
them to safe work.
Yeah. Now here's what I will say about
that. I think that
in large part, I think that's true.
I think we stay within our our boundaries
and we don't whatever. But you and I
have a 100% negotiated
one off scenes where I was like, let's
see how far I can actually go. And
I was willing to be pushed to that
point Yes. As a choice I was making
on my own that you were consenting to
Mhmm. With a lot of experience and understanding
about the thing we were doing.
Yes. And it was a one off, like,
we were this was not
this was not every encounter we had
of me being pushed to a breaking point.
Right. Because that goes back to that breaking
thing. Mhmm. We're not trying to traumatize you
No. Around here. You don't wanna break your
toys. But apparently, some people do because they
think they can super glue them back together
and they'll somehow be bad.
And I just don't trust some of those
fucker fucking people to even be able to
super glue somebody back together. Yeah.
Just a sec.
So
okay.
I I I can I keep going? We
know I can. Of course you could. We
know I can. But
Mhmm. There there I go.
And here we are.
So,
are we good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week. We think. We hope. We'll try.
I am very concerned about the podcast audio.
Yeah. I have a feeling I am quite
muted.
Well, it's not doing me much great either,
but I know in editing, I can go
in and Okay. Boost. So poor podcast listeners.
If it sounds weird Yeah. It's it's been
a hot mess over here with the sound
It has. This week. It has. I'm gonna
keep blaming Onyx. That's all I'm saying. Can
we talk to the cricket's daddy? We can.
Okay. Thank you.
One week off.
I know. I forget everything. And everything goes
to Mhmm.
C t double hockey hockey sticks.
What?
We're not gonna start spelling out or
I I did say FUBARED
while we were, like, two minutes into
oh, let's give it ten minutes before it.
Is valid. Come on. That's it. Well, it
was. But, no, I could've said fucked up
beyond all reason, and I didn't know. We
were, like, two minutes into the livestream. I
was, like, let's not lose
5¢ of monetization
this soon. We'll lose it. Give me a
minute,
you know.
But no, we're not HE double hockey sticking
it anywhere. Okay.
Anyhoo.
So to the extent that you were comfortable
with it Mhmm. What would you like to
say about being sick?
Yeah. I was sick. You were sick twice.
You got got better and then you were
sick. I did.
I'm I'm kind of on a little bit
of
a roller coaster ride at the moment
with things and,
working very diligently
to
turn things around. Mhmm.
But, it's not something that's gonna happen overnight
either. No. A part of it some of
what you're going through, we kind of understand
it, but it's still a little unexplained
and Well, you know, and that's that's something
I was thinking about. And I know it's
partially my fault too. I don't I don't
know the questions to ask. Sure. And I'm
not sure which doctor to ask them to.
Right.
I had the one doctor that, you know,
went through a lot of this stuff looking
into.
And they
I got a phone call. And they said,
yeah. This is this is happening. And you
need to do this, this, and this. Okay.
Goodbye.
Right.
And that's what I got.
And kind of finding out on our own,
little by little,
the things that,
kind of all
Yeah. Quite frankly, it's been some Google searches.
Yeah. Minus the AI. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Because
I don't trust that at all. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
So,
you know, it's it's nothing
serious.
I'm not going anywhere.
No. The fuck he's not.
But,
it it's,
something that I'm I'm dealing with and trying
to work through. I know. And what I'm
curious about because the
first, when you were sick last week Mhmm.
I thought that was maybe a flare up
of the health issue you have. Right. And
I was like, okay. We need to learn
if this is a flare up Mhmm. And
what should we expect? And is there anything
that can mitigate it? Are there medications?
Certainly, the the Google search wanted I was,
like,
looking up specific symptoms related
to the health issue. Mhmm. And, like, the
first three or four after the AI, the
first three or four links were all links
to medication for it. And I'm like, okay.
Yeah. So one, that's kind of annoying. Two,
that tells me there's medication. Should you be
be on medication? Is that what will happen?
And we just don't have that information. Right.
But then you started getting better. You worked.
You had, like, a whole day where you're
like, I can do shit. Oh, yeah. And
you didn't overdo it. You were you were
sensible about it. And then the next day,
you're, like, sick in a different way. And
I was like, nope. I don't don't know
where why these symptoms. I don't Mhmm. I
don't even know what we're supposed to do
with these symptoms. Yeah. We did eventually kind
of get it sorted out. Right. Hello, Lola.
But I didn't even know if we were
gonna stream this week because of it. I
know. We were, like, just watching them, you
know. Mhmm.
Lola, you have walked over
these boards And around. On this camera multiple
times today, and you are stressing
me out.
Why don't you go back just laying next
to my desk and take a nap? She
was snoring so hard. Yeah. We started
with our bad audio stream. Mhmm. Oh, yep.
Just just step on that cord. It's it's
fine, Lola. It's fine. It's fine.
Do you wanna go out again? Again.
You get her this time. My turn? Okay.
I'm on. You don't I don't you don't
have to put anything down.
True. True. True.
Watch Ella. She's usually good.
I once had Ella in a sun patch
right here. Mhmm. I opened that door. That
girl didn't move. She walked right up to
the door yesterday on me. She only does
it to you then. Because to me, she
just, like, rolls and, like, looks at me
like, I'm not going anywhere. I don't need
to follow Lola out. I'll just sniff Lola's
feet when she comes back in. Well, she
does that. Yeah.
So
but anyway, I I did talk about it
a little bit more in detail in the
Patreon. Yeah. We'd probably share more those. Yeah.
For anybody who's really nosy, you can join
as a paid Patreon.
Right. And you get a little you get
a few more details. Yeah.
Yeah.
And,
you know, on the
Oh, yeah. The mic mic side. The audio
side. We have I I have been doing
some research,
and I did find,
some lavalier mics
that can be integrated with with our soundboard.
Except our soundboard seems to be the issue.
But I guess if you're hooking something up
new, you know, we test everything.
And I,
I am good. I think you were gonna
do a little bit more research. Mhmm.
But you could tell me, like,
tonight and I'll get them ordered. Okay. And
we'll see how quickly we can get them.
Sweet. Yeah. Sweet.
So, you know, yeah. We're we're looking into
to making some changes with that now.
Mhmm.
You know, it,
I think I think it'll work out well.
Hope so. I mean, we've had a sound
issue for a hot minute where there's, like,
a clicky, staticky noise or it kinda Yeah.
We've never found it. No. What cord is
it? I don't know.
So getting
when we bought the sound equipment we have
now, we I mean, we went to a
place that sells professional sound equipment, and we
didn't get top of the line. We didn't
have that kind of budget. But we got
better than the, like, beginner stuff. Oh, yeah.
And,
you know, these mics are, like, $100 mics.
The
the what we got was, like, it's supposed
to last, but that's also been
since before we moved here.
I'd have to go back, but it might
be close to eight or nine years. Yeah.
Because we We've had this stuff. We still
lived in Tarpon. Yeah. We were in the
car. Time. Mhmm.
So it could be that some of it's
aging as well. I don't want to buy
it. That's entirely.
True. Yeah. No. No. Not the sound board.
I no. Things things got,
shoveled around with the sound board. I'm just
gonna have to take a hot minute to
get it back to where it needs to
be. I'm still I'm just gonna blame models.
Yeah. I just Yeah. I know before
I I complained before because the soundboard was
sitting on two milk crates. Right. Yeah. That
that was our fancy professional setup plan.
And and now since we've shuffled
access.
But, yeah, we we have,
Onyx and she, you know
Bless you. Bless you, Lola.
Onyx has never found a flat surface she
didn't like. Right.
One was it last week? She got up
on top of the, kitchen cabinets?
Yes. And Very, very top. And she started
knocking stuff down up there.
We have a, what do you call it?
Like a china cabinet? Oh, it's like a
hutch thing. Yeah. In the, in our dining
area.
And
my
god, she gets up there.
She'll go with gargoyle. Yeah. She and and
she'll perch right on the
corner and she'll just And in the dark,
all you might see Are her eyes if
they're open. Yep. Just lay on the cords
now, Lola. That's great. That's that's not gonna
be a problem. It's gonna be fine.
I trust this. This is Yeah. It's gonna
work out because it usually does. Right? Yeah.
Something like that. Something like that. Yeah.
So yeah. You know yeah. If there's if
there's a flat surface,
Onyx
will be on it. She's even figure out
how to get into the,
light box.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. There have there are I I need
to dust it out. I need to clean
out the light box periodically.
I kinda leave it open so it's very
easy for me to just put something down
and take a picture. Yeah. So dust gets
in there. So I'm constantly dusting it.
But Onyx gets in, and I'll know she's
been in because there's little toe bean
prints
on the background thing, which is like a
plastic thing. And those don't just wipe out
with a duster. I have to get the
Clorox wipe and I have to, like, scrub
it out. It's a whole production. Mhmm.
Yeah. But I've also
how many how many days have we seen
those same toe bean prints
on the top of our stove? Yep. Because
she's a counter surfer. Mhmm.
Yeah. Yep.
Thank god she's pretty. I know.
So we got to see the, oldest in
his final concert of the semester. Yeah.
And it was a good one. You didn't
get to see. I didn't. You had to
stay home. I I got hearsay.
I know. I mean, if I had thought
about it, even though I stopped recording
his concerts when he started college. I should
have recorded it because it was very interesting
music.
Mhmm. But it was Oh, is that the
one last week? Yeah. That's true.
Different music, though. That's true. He was at
this is when he was like, no. No.
I I would like y'all to come to
this one. This one will actually be good
in my opinion. And I was like, okay.
And it was, but it was just me
and the 16 year old. So I did
the drive out and back last night,
and I was very slow moving this morning
as a result.
Slower than me even. Yeah. I've normally, I
I have a a new current routine where
I
wake up earlier than I used to. 6AM.
That's too fucking early, but here we are.
And I, I look. This engine needs a
lot of warming up before Mhmm. I can
move for the day. So I spend, like,
the first hour in bed. I'm I check
my email. I make sure nothing is on
fire in Discord. There usually isn't. It's very
our Discord is very chill. Yeah.
And then I read my book. Whatever book
I'm working on, I'm reading it. And I
read until, like, right before seven usually. And
by seven, I'm like, I'm out of the
bed. And I'm Yeah. I start my morning
routine Mhmm. My tasks for you. I go
for a walk. I do today was not
that day. No. Today 08:00,
I think, is when I finally got out
to bed. And I went, you know what?
I drove out and back
last night, at night. And, you know, I
I'm becoming my mother more and more every
year and not her best qualities.
Right. Right. So I don't I can drive
at night. I don't love it
because
I don't know if it's my glasses or
just my vision in general, but
things don't look quite right. And the the
road that we travel to get to the
20 year old, I fucking love it because
there's no fucking traffic on it. And it's
a very quiet road and It is. You
completely bypass the interstate. And I I love
driving that Oh, yeah. On that section. However,
at night, that means there's not a single
light out there
except for the flashing signs that tell you
this is where deer cross the road and
be watch out for deer crossing the road.
So I'm I'm I'm driving.
I'm not going like grandma slow, but I
am doing the actual just the speed limit,
which is not usually how I drive.
And I kept coming across the flashing little
signs that were like, deer crossing. I was
like, okay. We could do it. So that
time I drove into town where there's tons
of lights, like, my shoulders are up by
my ears, and I'm going to the steering
wheel. I was tired from that. I don't
think I was tired from the drive. The
drive was mostly fine. I apparently will be
making that drive again this weekend to take
the 20 year old, his prescription when it
comes through,
which means I will also be bringing him
McDonald's because that's how that always works. Whatever.
Yeah.
I don't buy his groceries anymore. So That's
true. That's true. I spend, like,
$30 a month to go see him.
I get ten whole minutes for her. He's
like, okay. I'm done now, mom.
I hear you. Thanks.
It's fine. It's
fine. It's fine.
So yeah. Oh my goodness. Can't talk about
too much. Hopefully, we have the Friday night
stream. Yeah. If I don't piss off the
YouTube gods.
Hope not. It takes so little these days.
Yeah. I know.
But I know.
Yeah. 8PM eastern, Friday, April, if I'm doing
the math right, seventeenth.
If today is the fifteenth, happy tax day,
everybody who's American.
Our tax
we do not file our own taxes. They
got really complicated a few years ago. We
pay way too much money for somebody else
to do it.
We get every year for, like, the past
three or four years, we've gotten an extension
to file them.
Mhmm.
Like, look. Well, part of that too was
on their end a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. She's she's was a very small shop
for a while. I'm just expanding again. But
I don't I'm fine with it. I'm like,
let's let's delay this. Let's delay this.
There hadn't been a year
in a decade
where we hadn't paid something. Right. So
I'm not in a rush. I'm not in
a a rush. Mhmm. But happy
tax day. Yeah.
I wonder with all of the craziness of
this country, which is just embarrassing
on many levels,
and infuriating,
will the post office still be open till
midnight to do the postmark for folks? Because
I know there were some changes to, like,
regulations and laws, but I don't know when
those go into effect or if they actually
or it gets very confusing because of that.
Yeah.
But yeah. I don't know. For for non
Americans who do not have to file US
taxes,
previously, historically,
you could if you did, like, file your
taxes, like, paper and you mail it in,
because that's what we all did pre fucking
Internet. Right? Mhmm.
As long as it was postmarked on April
15 or April 16 if the fifteenth fell
on a weekend Right. They would accept it.
It wouldn't be considered late. Mhmm.
Yeah. They they But I know they were
talking about changes. They they made they were
trying to make some changes.
Yeah. Not not in the taxpayer's favor. Let's
Yeah. No. Really. No. Well, that the changes
had to do with the mail in voting.
But That's what they're trying to affect, but
what it means is that they're trying to
affect everything.
Right? Because they don't think through these things
through. Yeah. Because why would we do that?
I'm not we don't we're not getting on
that soapbox at this point. We could
we can't handle it now. Yeah. Not at
the end.
Not at the end. I don't want my,
the my eyebrow to twitch. Well, you know,
it was funny. I eyelid. I was kinda
looking at the, chat
throughout,
and, I think it was Tayce who made
a comment that,
giving off a little bit of comedic vibes
with the, lap desk and holding the mic
and
You're adorable.
I'm something.
Aren't we all? Yeah. I got I got
nothing for that. Oh, I saw was it
silent
who said this, still need to do the
kids' taxes?
I'm sure it's probably different between Canada and,
The US. I do the 20 year old's
taxes for him, but he is a simple
ten forty easy. Yeah. I'm like, I go
to TurboTax and I click a few buttons.
Did they try to charge me $60 this
year for a form I did not use
and never filled out the information for? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Did they make it hard to find
the link to to get the free version?
Because it was very simple. But yes. They
did. But Yeah. Did I get that child's
taxes done for free? Yes. Fuck. I did.
Yeah.
For tax purposes, he's still a dependent.
And that's,
so he he's able to stay on our
insurance and,
blah blah blah. So his his taxes are
very simple. Yeah. So I while he's in
college, I said, I will do these for
you while you're in college because,
this is not a thing I care about
you focusing on or forget or forgetting about
Mhmm.
While you're in school. But when you graduate,
I will I will teach you how it's
not hard. You can do it as long
as you're a w two employee.
Taxes are fairly easy. You you know me
in numbers. When I was, younger, H and
R Block was my friend. Oh, my mine
too.
Mine too.
For a while to save money. Oh, no.
Ella, do not climb the tripod. Do not
climb the tripod. Oh my god.
To save money for a couple years before
I was self employed,
I would use TurboTax to do my own
taxes.
And then a few years after I was
self employed, I used TurboTax
to save money.
Shaking every time I hit submit. I was
like, I'm sure I fucked this up. I'm
sure I fucked this up. And then I
I, you know, over time you learn that
in other countries, your government keeps up with
it for you and just tells you what
you owe if you owe
anything.
It could be that easy.
Now our taxes are complicated because
self employed, we're a business, we're an LLC,
and we're an s corp. Yeah.
And that has been the s corp.
Anybody who is a business, feel free to
look into it to see if it's a
good thing for you. I would not know,
could not give advice.
That has made paying taxes much less painful.
Yeah. Much less painful.
The year I pay I had to stroke
a check for, like, $12,000,
I was like, so which which 10 foot
portion of the highway is mine? What did
I just pay
for?
Oh my god. Woah. The tripod.
Sure, Lola. Just
just nearly knocked the tripod over.
We might I don't know what the solution
is. We might need to get another solution.
I I have no ideas.
But I we need to get some of
those,
strips that go across to hide the cables.
Maybe that's it. Yeah. I don't know.
Yep.
Yep. Yeah. But yeah. If you work for
yourself,
and you just do self employed tax, Yeah.
It's pain it's fucking painful Yeah. In The
US.
S corp
saved
our ass up to that. Mhmm. So Yeah.
In a big way. Mhmm.
And that is my tax advice for today.
Google
an s corp, the letter s, c o
r p.
I don't remember what it stands for. It's
a tax something something. It did make doing
my taxes more complicated and expensive, so I
hire a very nice lady to do that
for her. Mhmm. And she does a fine
job. And she does not blink at the
fact that all this stuff comes through that
says the kinkery.
Nothing says loving BDSM. I do all of
that under our, like, LLC name. But, like,
there's there's shit that comes through and I
she doesn't even question. She's like, it's just
numbers, whatever. And I'm like,
thank you very much. I'll give you all
my money to not have to do this.
So
anyway. Anyhoo.
I guess we should be done. Yeah. Still
have things to ramble about on Friday. Mhmm.
And there it will be rambly and it
will be chaotic because, of course, it will
be. What else? Hopefully, the audio will be
fine. Yeah. We'll find out together. Mhmm.
So
So Alright. I guess we're gonna go. Yeah.
Hopefully, we'll see you Friday. Mhmm. Thanks for
being here, especially to the bitter end. Yeah.
And,
we're gonna go. Okay. Bye. Bye.