You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four seventy eight. Kayla Lords here with the
one, the only,
the man who likes change about as much
as I do but still goes along with
it because,
sure, why not? John Brownstone.
Change is inevitable.
It is. It still sucks. Yep.
Even when it's change we've asked for. So
visually, obviously,
y'all would not be able to tell the
changes we have made That's true. To our
podcast setup. But you might notice slight differences
because,
JB's got a keyboard in his lap
now, and I'm
doing stuff off of my phone instead of
the,
screen
because we actually don't have any technology directly
in front of us or in between us
anymore. Yep.
In a perfect world, once we get used
to this Mhmm. This should be seamless.
Correct. I think it will be simpler, cleaner.
But until then, we're
just,
fumble around like drunk raccoons.
That'd be great.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm down with it.
And while we're fumbling,
like the drunk raccoons,
this week, yes, we were not around last
week. We will talk about that in a
little bit. But this week we are gonna
respond to a questions asked on the kinky
side of Reddit.
I picked one,
maybe two, because they were infuriating.
Mhmm. But also because there was not nuance,
but there was a little thing and I
went, let me poke at that little thing
there. So I didn't just pick it on
the off chance I would rant until,
you know, my blood pressure spiked.
But I kinda knew what I was looking
at. Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm.
Anyway,
welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your
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one. I hate it so much.
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We are
grateful for every fucking body. Yes, ma'am. And
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We wouldn't be here without them. I
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or use a link in the show notes.
And away we go. Okay. Before we,
get into potential ranting,
real quick,
where the hell were we last week?
So for podcast listeners, this should not affect
you, but it definitely did.
Right after
oh,
two weeks ago, I guess. Yeah. That that
Wednesday livestream Thursday
morning,
YouTube put us in the corner. Mhmm. It
gave us a community strike. We should win
it on appeal.
We did not
we you could still win an appeal ages
after you submit it, but they did not
get to an appeal
in order to cut short our time out.
Our time out was for a week.
So we knew we couldn't do a live
stream the following Wednesday. That was last week.
And so we went,
why don't why don't we just take a
break? We'll just take a week off. So
we didn't even record an audio podcast. Mhmm.
YouTube gave us the strike also the day
before that Friday night livestream.
Yeah. So that sucked.
And then JB had plans for the following
Friday when YouTube would let us stream. But
Mhmm. Yeah. I made plans prior to all
He had plans. So we I was not
going to, like, bat my eyelashes or do
any guilty bullshit. Be like, can't we just
do
just go go have fun.
I will sit on the couch in my
comfy clothes and read my book. Yeah.
So that's where the hell we were. Mhmm.
And then once I we called it a
break, I treated it like an actual break.
I didn't send out a newsletter. I, you
know, didn't do a whole lot online except
to complain
about not being out of the corner, you
know, that kind of stuff. So if you
were like, where's the episode? Where's the video?
Where's where was the live stream? Blame YouTube.
Blame YouTube. Just blame YouTube. I'm just what
I'm gonna do is blame YouTube. Yeah.
Okay. So
let us get into
the very first
Reddit post. Okay.
Are you fucking kidding me, Reddit?
I had it pulled up and ready to
go, and the Reddit app
just relaunched and said, no. I don't wanna
be here anymore. Okay. Here we go. Okay.
This one is a long one. So
pardon me on this one.
Dom keeps pushing things too far, and I
don't know what to do.
I've been with my daddy since around November.
It was a long distance relationship at first,
but he recently moved to my city.
Overall, it's been a great relationship. He treats
me like a proper princess and has been
a good communicator in general. But I'm really
struggling with this one thing that keeps happening
in the bedroom, and I don't know if
it's enough of a red flag that I
should bail.
Daddy likes to spank me, and in general,
I like spankings. But I have a couple
of long term health conditions that impact my
stamina for impact play. It can just exhaust
me and overload my nervous system before we
even finish. So I have a handful of
rules for daddy when it comes to Spanx,
and he has broken them. The rules are
pretty minor. We have an agreed upon hardness
level, and I don't want him to go
over 20 spanx in a given session. 15
to 20 is my sweet zone where I
get what I need to, you know, out
of it without being too tired to keep
playing.
The first time this happened, we hadn't really
talked through specifics and he ended up giving
me something like 50 Spanx.
It was at the end of a long
day and on a work night and I
got pretty pissed at him for pushing things
that far on a work night knowing my
conditions.
We talked it out and I laid down
the ground rules above. We had a couple
practice sessions,
even to make sure he knew how hard
I wanted him. Then last night, after we'd
been out to dinner with friends, one of
whom was a recovering alcoholic, so nobody was
drinking,
we came back to my place exhausted.
I asked if he wanted to stay for
some playtime, but figured he knew I wouldn't
want anything too intense or drawn out. We
made out for an agonizingly long time and
then he took me upstairs and started spanking
me. It was harder than what we've talked
about and he just kept going well past
twenty.
I stopped him somewhere around twenty five to
thirty. He told me I was a good
girl for stopping him and I kind of
lost my temper at that. Told him he
was not being a good dom, that he
should have remembered. He said he was sorry
and that he hadn't been keeping count, and
I told him he really should have been.
He was apologetic and didn't really take but
didn't really take ownership of what happened. He
said he was still learning about me and
my limits and that he wanted to learn
and was trying to do better. I don't
feel like that's good enough when I've been
extremely clear about those limits and it's been
a problem before.
Once is a learning experience but twice feels
egregious.
I told him it wasn't fair to expect
me to keep being his practice dummy for
learning how to read people and respect their
limits when it's my safety on the line.
That if the expectation was just for him
to quote try
while this might still happen again,
and then I'm just supposed to be patient
while he abuses my body, that's unacceptable.
I said he needed a concrete plan to
ensure this never happens again for me to
consider getting back into bed with him. He
went home to think on things and I
went to bed.
I'm still processing how I feel about this,
but I'm curious how other subs would handle
the situation. Of course, I want to maintain
the relationship.
If I want to maintain the relationship, there's
plenty we could do to avoid this situation
in the future. I could count while he
spanks. He could check-in more. We could sign
a contract. But I don't know that I
necessarily should cons be considering
the dis okay. Hold on. Why can't I
read?
But I don't know that I necessarily should
should considering the disregard he's shown my well-being
in the bedroom. So what do you guys
think? Should I give an inexperienced dom another
chance knowing it might lead to more hurt
in the future, or should I just close
the book on this one, wish him well,
and cut my losses? I'm feeling really conflicted.
There is an update, but I'm not gonna
read that until
Until after? Yeah. Okay. So,
I mean, we know the answer, but you
made a grunting noise. So please Yeah. Go
ahead. Well,
you you
know, just the fact that
this person has this
health condition,
and they have to stay within those Right.
Parameters. And they made those parameters clear. Quite
clear in the beginning. Mhmm. You know, the
the only thing I would say on on
the other side of this and and it's
such a minor thing. Mhmm. You know,
When talked about,
you know When they got home after When
they got home afterwards
and, you know, there were,
in this person's mind, expectations. It was obvious.
Air quote. Air quote that. Obvious. Right? Alright.
Yeah. You know?
No. You know, you should Right. You know,
hey. You know, it's a work night, so
let's not do anything too extreme. You gotta
be really clear. Yeah. You caught the exact
thing I caught because,
no, this the sub should not have to
expect to be their Dom's practice dummy like
that. Right?
So
personally, by the second time when you've had
the conversations
along the way about here's the number we
need to stay in and here's my threshold
for intensity.
You know, if this person was like,
I don't trust you to, like I think
that's fair. And a 100% would be like,
yeah. I mean, there there might even be
some incompatibility
there too. True. You know?
Again, because everything is on a spectrum. Mhmm.
Right?
He may need somebody that
he can go harder on. Absolutely. Or somebody
and here's the thing.
It's possible that he needs a more
experienced submissive.
But that is, you know, conjecture because I
don't know. Is he
disregarding his sub completely? Is he truly
just forgetting?
The forget see the forgetting would bother me
anyway because it means you are not
paying enough attention before you even start
a scene
to like kind of run down the parameters.
For future, right, or I guess if you
wanted to stay with this person. But in
the future, what I would probably suggest is
before every scene there's clear conversation,
clear communication.
Yes. You're gonna remind, hey, 15 to 20.
Hey. Don't forget my
my intensity level. Right?
Especially when you're you're new to to kink
in general, but you're new to each other.
There's not a damn thing wrong with
kind of going over it
multiple times
until it does become a little bit of
muscle memory. And and let's face it. They
I think if I remember correctly, they were
long distance. They started out, and then he
moved to her city. Move. You know? And,
you know, we know all too
well a lot of times, you know,
just because you erase that difference doesn't mean
everything goes smoothly. Right. Exactly.
Yeah. I'm I'm not impressed with him Mhmm.
Because once it went wrong the first time
Yeah. The then it was
on him for sure as the dom, and
I can understand an inexperienced dom not knowing
this, but it was on him to make
sure it didn't happen again. Right. Now the
the life lesson for the submissive
going forward
is when you're playing with somebody new,
you don't assume they know where you're at.
You get it real freaking clear. And, you
know, I I get it. I know there
are some subs out there who'd be like,
oh, well, it takes the spontaneity way. It
takes the excitement away.
I mean, yeah. But,
having somebody, like,
cross your boundaries,
is a type of spontaneity and excitement that
nobody asked for and wanted. So maybe
stay on the side of caution,
air on the side of caution, and just
say it again and be very clear.
Like, just so you know, yeah, I'm definitely
down for whatever, but here's my here's my
energy level. Here's what I think I can
handle.
Please remember
15 to 20 blah blah blah. You know,
you're you're
you're not topping from the bottom
to reiterate those limits.
Dom's should not get, you know, their hurt
their feelings hurt or their panties in a
twist when their sub is like, hey.
You might not be used to playing with
somebody with health conditions. You I get it.
This is not top of mind for you
yet. Now then it is incumbent on that
dominant to make
it top of mind for themselves, you know.
Does that maybe take time? Does that take
tools like something on in your notes app
or a reminder or a checklist or whatever?
Yeah. Yeah. But that's part of it for
anybody you're playing with, but especially somebody who's
like, I got it. I got health issues,
and we have to be careful because it
absolutely will impact my health. I give this
person credit Mhmm.
For speaking up Yes. Once he got to
the twenty five, thirty, you know, that was
over and, you know, then, hey.
Right. You gotta stop. Right. Exactly. I I
give her credit to that, not just sitting
there and taking it. A 100%. And I
I think that,
if I don't think I could play with
somebody who fucked it up twice. Once once
I'd be real leery.
Once I would the trust would still have
to be rebuilt, but, by the second time?
And a oops, I'm just learning? I mean,
that you know, here's what kills me. That
can be factually true Mhmm. But that is
not a reassurance
that somebody who is whose own health and
safety has been disregarded.
It that doesn't do anything. It doesn't mean
anything. Like,
okay. Sure. I guess that's actually true,
but what have you done to show you
actually gave a crap about me as a
human to make sure you did not fuck
this up? Yeah. But for the sub for
few you know, for the future, for anybody
else, do not be afraid to go, okay.
Let's check-in real quick. Just a reminder.
Just, you know, don't forget. Because
quite frankly, if you're giving those reminders and
the first time they fuck it up after
you've said it explicitly
Mhmm. That'll be information
to use and decide if you wanna stay
there or not. Right.
But that was the thing I noticed was
the assumption. Oh, he would know. I didn't
Yeah. Yeah. Sadly,
clearly,
no. He would not. Right.
Yeah.
It's in general just
Mhmm. I mean, after all these years together,
you can usually tell when I'm, like, exhausted
or wiped or whatever. And even then, we're
still gonna take, like, half a second to
go, whoo. I'm tired. I don't know how
much I can handle or, oh, I don't
have a lot of energy for, and it's
just sort of part of the conversation that
we go on.
Now, the update.
Update. Thanks everyone for your kind advice and
the sound reality checks dropped in the comments
below. I have decided to block this person
after receiving the following air quote apology text
later this morning.
Quote, I'm sorry for last night, baby. Truly,
I didn't mean for a couple of spanks
too many to ruin what was otherwise a
really nice evening. I promise you there was
no intent for a long scene. I hope
we can talk
soon.
Well, good good on this person on the
sub for being like, you gotta go.
This could lead into the intent versus impact
conversation. Like, you could have the best of
intentions, but if your impact
harms somebody who gives a fuck about your
intentions.
Well, I intended to drive to work safely,
but I caused a 10 car pileup.
That's not my fault. I was try I
meant to go to work safely. Like,
okay.
Yeah. Anyway,
so that was the update, which is nice.
It's nice to see because
too often, we we don't find out if
they, like, did the
thing that we thought they should do. Okay.
Next one. Okay. K.
Come on, Reddit. Load. Okay.
Toy versus
sub question mark. Hi, everyone. I'm new to
this subreddit in particular.
I'm kinda new still to this lifestyle as
well.
I, 30 female, just ended things with my
long distance ish dom, 30 male. We are
both poly and he has a wife and
a girlfriend already. I had met them both.
They're lovely. Now onto the issue.
Sir and I had been talking and agreed
on harm hard limits
and had been discussing things around what we
viewed our dynamics to be like and how
we could make things work with each other.
However, what he never sat down to talk
to me with was rules and expectations.
It got to the point where I felt
like I was just I was becoming just
a toy for him.
And yes, I did fall in love with
him. He never said we were platonic or
anything romantic explicitly.
So there was room for assumption and that's
my fault for not clarifying beforehand.
Well, two well, two nights ago now, I
had asked for clarity on what we were
outside of our dynamic. I was just wanting
to know because of boundaries with his wife
and girlfriend.
So he told me really close friends and
obviously it hurt me. Then he turned around
and without thinking, said he was going to
propose to said girlfriend.
It felt like a slap in the face.
So I do what I normally do and
withdraw to internalize.
I didn't talk to him for about fourteen
hours. Spoke with him the next morning. He
knew something was up because I was quiet
and I exploded on him. I didn't yell
though, just let everything out. He looked horrified
but then tried to cop out. I instantly
knew I was going to fight with him
because he never took accountability for any of
it and tried to say I knew what
I was getting into, that we were just
friends in a dynamic. And I told him
that we had no prior discussion, that he
said he wanted me and he loved me.
We had been talking for a while prior
to getting this into this relationship.
I got so upset and he goes, you've
broken off with me. And I never said
those words. He assumed.
So it ended then and he goes, why
would my commitment change because of a label?
I said, because I need to know precisely
where I stand due to old trauma and
wounds I'm working through. And I said, your
girlfriend already made it clear that no one
else can be your girlfriend but her. So
I will not overstep. He goes, but I
want you. What we're called is irrelevant to
me. I said, but it matters to me
and that's where the conversation
ended.
Another dominant friend of mine said he got
the ick from my ex Dom's behavior with
all this and was angry on my behalf.
So I guess I'm asking, was I too
naive
and sir picked up on it and used
me?
Is this a bad example of a air
quote Dom wanting a toy, not an actual
person to care for? I'm confused and hurt,
but I know I won't go back. My
position in his world was made clear.
I think this is a clusterfuck.
Yeah. I think nobody was they everybody was
talking at each other, and nobody was talking
to each other.
That's what I think. Yeah. Yeah. It is.
You made sounds over there. What's on your
mind? I I just listening to it. It
was like
Oh, another one.
Yeah. Another one.
There they go again.
Yeah.
So, you know, yeah, I I I think
there is
you know, I I can't blame this person
for wanting some people need labels. Right. Exactly.
You know? And,
I mean, I
labels were very important to me in the
beginning Mhmm. Because it gave me something to
gauge by Sure. You know, now not so
much. Mhmm.
But, you know, for somebody really, it's like
kinda yeah. Well, I mean, what what are
we? What you know? But, you know, I
I get I agree. I think it
so that's what some people want. And even
there's nothing wrong with that. But I do
think what you do is you go, hey.
Can we have a conversation? Hey. We never
really did talk about this. The lesson going
forward for this person is have the conversation
at the beginning as you start negotiating this
relationship and what the hell you're gonna be
doing. What does it mean to you? What
do you want out of it? What are
you looking for? Are you looking for a
play partner? Are you looking for, you know
Right. Like, what kind of what are you
hoping to get out of this? Now, of
course, people being people,
it can evolve and feelings
can change. And, you know, in a perfect
world, sure, it changes in the same way
on both sides and ta da, you know,
now we're happy for now, happy ever, ever,
whatever.
But
one, that's not always gonna happen. And two,
I think this person,
this missive in this,
would have benefited from
expectation management from the start.
So they've learned
a pretty painful lesson, I would imagine, that
do not make assumptions, do not let the
conversation
go unsaid.
You know, the moment you're like, wait,
what are we? What do we wanna be?
What are we working towards here?
Just talk about it.
There was something else. I did find this
a little maybe I'm reading into it.
So the very first thing she says is
he has a wife and a girlfriend. I'd
met them both. They're lovely. Right? Mhmm. And
then later, we get down
and let's see if I can find it.
Him proposing to his girlfriend felt like a
slap in the face. Well, one, that's a
separate relationship from you. So the feelings he
has for the girlfriend
have nothing to do with you and don't
are not an indicator of anything going on
in your relationship. That is the,
you know, the next level
Mhmm. Which I have questions because he's married
or
depending on where you're located.
That's not as far as I know, legal
to have more than one spouse, but
maybe something's changed. But it could also be
symbolic. Like, let me show you how close
we are. Maybe it's gonna be like a
a nonlegal ceremony.
So that was one thing. Could be like
a collaring ceremony or something like that. Could
could be a hand fasting that Right. Something
that does not require an actual marriage certificate.
So that was my first thing is, okay,
that relationship has nothing to do with y'all's
relationship.
So that sounds a bit like some envy
going on that somehow the girlfriend, who was
already there and established and had a Right.
Had a history,
was air quote, getting something that this submissive
was not.
And I wonder if there was some envy
there because, remember, top paragraph, they're lovely. Then
we get the, oh my gosh, she's proposing
the girlfriend, and that feels like a slap
in the face. Yeah.
Which was
that I'm gonna say, that was not the
what that man was intending. He was like,
this is my girlfriend. I'm gonna do this.
Yeah. And then we get to, I want
to find it,
of
that
his girlfriend had said that he nobody else
could be his girlfriend.
Yeah. And
look, I know non monogamous
relationships
come in all flavors and styles and that
there are times that that's how things get
negotiated.
And
if you can make it work and everybody's
actually happy,
great.
But
what? So then the girlfriend was dictating
the other relationship
as well? Yeah.
I'm wondering if the the person who submitted
this really thinks the girlfriend is lovely, air
quote, at the end of all of this.
Because
just with two examples, I'm like, there's there's
some there was some friction there. Yeah. And
is it
is it because maybe the this guy does
not communicate clearly with any of his fucking
partners?
That wouldn't surprise me if that was the
case. That really would not surprise me at
all. And yet at the same time,
you know, if if this person is looking
on this girlfriend with envy, with jealousy Right.
You know, that's a little self
work that person needs to do in regards
to Polly. Well, you know, jealousy and envy
are are part and parcel because we're humans,
and you will see somebody having something that
you wish you yourself had, and you will
have your feelings about it. I think the
what it sounds like is that this person
wanted more than their dominant partner was willing
to, wanted to, and could give them.
I think it's I find it so strange
that
they didn't speak to their partner for fourteen
hours. I do not recommend that in general.
I mean, even a quick text to go
look, I am I got some stuff on
my mind. I need to think through it.
I need to, like,
just so you know, I highly recommend that.
So
I don't love that they didn't speak to
the person for fourteen hours, but I really
don't love that the the Dom was like,
oh, this means we're broken up now, I
guess.
Like, what?
What? It it sounds like they all have
their own things going on. Hot mess express
is what we are looking at right here.
Yep. Yeah. That's just there's there's too much
going on. Mhmm. Would love to know, like,
what's going on with the wife. Is all
well there? Like, I don't know. You know,
ultimately,
this person
needed to have the conversation.
What what are we? Where are we going?
What are we trying to do? I think
they should have been honest if maybe they
were. I don't I did not read it
here. When they developed feelings for their dom,
and start
I'm reading this as and it could just
be this person not explaining it well.
As they develop feelings and instead of going,
hey, I'm having some feelings, they were like,
so what are we? And then they didn't
get the answer that they wanted, which
yeah. That's devastating. That hurts. That sucks. That
makes you have to go, is this where
I wanna be? Is this the right relationship
for me?
I see it's valid to need time to
think about that, but it does not feel
like at any point leading up to that
there was any clear communication. I know.
Apparently, from the girlfriend because she was like,
nobody else gets to be your girlfriend. I
think
and
I know I'm sure there's some poly people
who make that kind of thing work. And
I have made statements. We've had these conversations
that I don't I hate I don't like
I'm better now, but I don't like the
idea of somebody else calling you daddy because
that feels very say that. Yeah. Special to
me. But I would not say you could
not have a daddy dom relationship with anybody.
And we did have this conversation ages ago.
If it was important enough to somebody else
to use that title,
I'd I mean, I'd have to, like, sit
with it. I'd have well, there have to
be conversation.
I'm you know,
I think at this point in my life,
I don't think I would gatekeep
a a title.
I think I think I'm confident enough in
myself and in us that I'd be like,
okay. Fine.
Would there be a little tiny part of
me on the inside that was for me
personally that went, I don't like that. Sure.
Sure.
You know? So I, you know, I get
people having, like, things they don't want to
have happen,
but I do not understand
if you if you are the girlfriend of
a person and that person is now seeing
somebody else,
how you can dictate that that person could
not be your girlfriend as well. Mhmm. Like,
that for for me, personally, that feels like
a step too far.
But I I'm sure people make that work,
and that's great for you. That's great for
you. Okay.
Can can you
believe
that I actually wish I could put my
damn phone down? I'm like, ugh. This doing
this from the phone thing, I don't know
how I feel about it. Okay. Next one.
Punishment or play? Question mark.
So I'm in a d s dynamic where
I'm 100%
his good girl and submissive. Think princess submissive.
He's the first dom I have been so
naturally submissive
with. In the past, I have dabbled with
d s, but I always lean towards bratting.
With him, I just want to obey and
give him all the control. The feeling is
very new for me. However, the other day,
we were playing around and I started to
tease him about something. I wouldn't let up
and he said that I was begging for
a spanking.
We don't generally do hard, stingy impact as
I prefer a deep thud, so a hard
spanking would definitely be a punishment.
I loved it. It was still hard to
withstand
and definitely felt like a punishment, but I
want more.
He loved seeing me that red and loved
watching me squirm as well. I asked him
afterward if that meant he wanted the brat
back. He said he loved it, but if
I liked it that much, is it really
punishment?
I assured him it was, and he said
he wants it in his back pocket
for a punishment if needed, but that he
doesn't want me to brat. He wants me
as his good girl. So where do we
go from here? Just wait for me to
mess up before we can go there again?
Or possibly talk about incorporating into play and
not just punishment?
I'm torn. But it was so hot and
exhilarating. The adrenaline was intense. But did that
come from the fact that it was punishment
or just the feeling of being spanked like
he did?
Okay.
I I don't even know where to go.
I I don't even So the first thing
that comes to my mind is
instead of twisting ourselves into knots about how
do I get this experience again,
just say, hey, I'd like this experience again.
You don't have to be as abrasive as
I am. Be a cutesy princess as of
it's fine. It's fine.
So that would be the first thing I
would say. Stop trying to, like, go, how
am I gonna have this experience I want?
How do I make this happen? Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Say, hey. Can we incorporate
this?
And and have the conversation about what that
looks like when that happens, blah blah blah.
And then I say and then the part
the other part of that conversation has to
be, okay. I don't want that to necessarily
be a just only in the back pocket
as punishment.
Yes. Maybe. If it can you know? Because
sensation does make a a a big difference
between what you like and what you don't
like. Yeah. As somebody who does not like
stingy,
that certainly gets it a lot.
And so I think that could be a
punishment he pulls out when it feels appropriate.
Mhmm.
But also,
if it's done as a punishment, he could
change that up with just the tone of
his voice, the expression on his face, the
words he uses so that it is clearly
more of a punishment, and you could then
separately negotiate,
hey. I wanna seem like that. I wanna
do that. Now is it a thing you
want it to come from out of nowhere?
Do you want, you know, maybe look into
funishment where you get a little playful and
you know both of you
know that the point is to end up
there?
Sure. Sure. Go for it.
But the part that I get a little
stuck on because I think the how do
I get a sensation and and a and
a scene that I want? Ta da. Talk
about it.
Okay. Here's the thing. She kinda wants to
brat. And he kinda doesn't want a brat.
He just wants he's a good girl. Yeah.
First of all, that's valid. That is a
100% valid. Mhmm.
But I'm
I'm in I'm injecting myself in this one
because
I see myself in this one just a
little bit. Mhmm. Because it's the reason I
refuse the brat label. Because at at my
core, I am a good girl. At my
core, I wanna do what you tell me
to do. I mean,
do I have opinions and things to say
and do I think I'm hilarious? Of course,
I do.
Am I playful? Of course, I am.
And so since the way she talks about
this is that she wants
to be a good girl, ultimately,
I think it's more of a conversation about
the playfulness
because there are levels to bratting. And if
she already doesn't have the
desire necessary she wants this if what she
wants is to really at the end of
the day be the good girl. Mhmm. Then
there's a playfulness
that can come out. Sure. A sassiness
Yeah. If you will.
And to me, the conversation
really would be, what do you to him,
what do you think bratting is? Like, what
is it? Right? And, hey, what if it's
not I don't go to that level, but
what about this? And I think it's an
awkward conversations. If if this person is even
a little bit like I am with it,
I cannot predict what is gonna come out
of my mouth
or what I'm gonna try and make a
joke about or when I'm gonna be playful
or how I'm gonna be playful. So I'm
not a 100% sure how I would air
quote negotiate that one.
But I think we all
ideally, if you know you have this in
you, maybe you have a sense of who
you are. I think if I was negotiating
it, air quote, that from scratch with you,
I'd say, okay. Look. I'm kinda snarky. I'm
kinda sarcastic.
I think I'm hilarious.
I find this fun.
Can we try this? Have you seen have
you seen me like this yet in other
aspects?
Could I direct it at you? You know?
Ultimately, she has to respect if he's like,
yeah. I don't want any of that. But
I I think
think it's worth a conversation because
Mhmm.
They were playing around. She started to tease.
He
leaned into it. Right.
And so maybe
and I don't want I don't wanna make
it sound like I think you should push
or
air quote convince a partner to do something
they said they don't wanna do. Mhmm. But
I do think if you get more nuance
to it and you have a deeper conversation,
you know, would he be comfortable with every
so often leaning into it, you know? Yeah.
And that every so often is
probably gonna be hard to predict. I I
love a code word
or a sign of some sort to go,
hey, this is a good time or this
is a bad time kinda deal. Sorry. When
JB gives me the sign signal that it's
a bad time,
are my feelings hurt? Of course, they are.
I don't like it because I was having
a good time. And JB has now literally
done a time out signal,
and I'm like, oh,
okay.
I hate this. But also I fucking do
it because consent matters.
So I I don't I'm curious
if he had fun with that moment Mhmm.
If it's not really all or nothing.
Because it's possible that he has a
a definition in his mind of what he
thinks bratting is. Mhmm. And is that really
her style of bratting? Is that really what
she's even talking about? It could be along
the lines same way as when a certain
person number of years ago asked me if
I was a daddy dom.
I said no fucking way. I was like
And Okay.
Where are we now? Where are we now?
Mhmm. Mhmm. And so and here's the thing.
That was there's a delicate balance there because
I asked the question. JB said, hell no.
In my head, I went, sure, Jan. But
hours in it, I was like, okay. And
I respected it. Right? Like, I didn't push
you. No. I didn't drop hints. I didn't
and I left it alone until there came
a point where I, like, let me go
out on a limb here.
And we both discovered how bright I was,
but that's, you know, that part's neither here
nor there.
So the the respecting,
you know, his boundaries is important. Like Yeah.
Even if you suspect, hey. Wait. I I
really think, you know, as I learned you,
you might actually enjoy this more you than
you think you do,
but you have to kinda let somebody come
to that on their own. You you can't
be, you know, pushing them. But I do
think it's worth the conversation of what he
envisions as bratting that he wants to avoid
and what she envisions as being being playful
and
the the conversation about, okay, you wanna be
my good girl. How would this play into
that? Right.
Maybe that's my next TED Talk of how
you could be a good girl,
but also
kind of a little shit sometimes.
Respectfully.
Submissively.
So,
okay.
I'm gonna go into
the next one.
Is everything working okay over there? Yeah. Okay.
Okay.
This is a long one. Oh my god.
I'm sorry y'all. I've just picked a lot
of long ones today. This one is called
A Very One-sided
Dynamic.
My story is rather unusual.
Introduction.
I, 24 female, met my dom, 28 male,
on a sex chat website two years ago.
I was fresh out of college, about to
start my first job.
He travels constantly because of work, so it's
been long distance for the most part. Backstory.
Let me stop here. There's not gonna be
details but there will
content warning.
There will be mentions
of brief mentions of drug use and, sexual
trauma.
No d details that I'm recalling after I've
already read through it. But if you wanna
just not even think about it, go ahead
and nope on out. Okay. Back story. I
was deep into the world of drugs when
we met, had some sexual trauma from the
past as I was groomed when I was
16 to 18.
And then I'd spent most of my college
years being tossed around like a rag doll
from man to man.
The dynamic.
It was entirely focused on me and my
growth. He made me start working out and
eating right. He told me to go out
and meet people so that I'd learn social
skills and understand that not everyone was out
to get me. Trauma makes you feel like
the whole world is on fire. He told
me to get on dating apps and find
women like me so that I'd realize that
other women have the same fantasies and that
I'm not sick in the head. He built
my confidence so that I could dress slutty
and be comfortable in my skin.
Even my friends noticed the transformation.
I was dealing with complex office politics and
a perverted boss, and he helped me navigate
it. I got saved from a layoff.
Because he was bringing the light back into
my life, I was gradually able to leave
drugs on my own, and the list goes
on.
The sex
couldn't be any better. He taught me how
to squirt. I couldn't even come without a
vibrator before him. He brought out the slut
in me. The problem I really like how
they've laid this out. The problem. I'm not
progressing the way he wants me to. I
still get triggered by certain things. I still
suck at dealing with people. I still panic
easily and fuck up. Not progressing much at
work either since AI is eating all the
entry level tech jobs. He's not happy with
me, and I hate seeing him disappointed after
all the time and effort he's put into
building me up.
And now the strange part,
I don't know his name. I don't know
what he does for a living. I don't
even know what he looks like. He's been
masked every time we've met.
I don't know anything about him. He won't
tell me because he doesn't want me to
get attached.
I know everyone's gonna think that I'm crazy
for trusting a man I don't know, but
every single task he's given me has benefited
me. He's not around most of the time,
so it's not like he's using me for
sex either. I wish he would. He makes
me use an anonymous app for sending photos
and even those are without face.
I'm the one asking to do crazy kinky
things, and he is the one dialing it
back because he says I'm not ready. He's
right. There's no way in hell he would
ever hurt me. And now I feel like
all his efforts are backfiring.
Now if I fail at something, not only
have I failed, but I have also let
him down. So I'm terrified to make mistakes.
I fucked up enough already. I don't just
feel like a bad sub, but a bad
human. But if I tell him this, then
the dynamic comes to an end because he's
made it clear that he's there to empower
me and not just fool around.
I'm trying.
Meditation, can't afford therapy, running, meeting people, giving
interviews, working really hard at the office, picking
up lost hobbies, staying clean. I'm trying so
hard to please him, but I just don't
know what to do.
And that I know understand not being able
to afford therapy. Mhmm. I get God knows
I get that.
Yeah. But I don't think for all the
air quote good that this person has done
for her,
it feels like we have replaced therapy with
kink and that kink is now the therapy.
And that is not sustainable. No.
Good for anybody. That is not healthy. No.
Because That is not healthy. Because
the kink is therapy cannot actually help you,
you know, deal with, look at, investigate
the internal stuff, the trauma that you've gone
through, how you see yourself, how you see
the world.
There's no professional expertise behind it to help.
It's just, hey, be the perfect sub. Do
the things I tell you to and somehow
magically your life is gonna be better and
clearly that is not the case.
No. So I would say to this person,
please
please look for a therapist and if you
don't have insurance, you don't have ask about
a sliding scale. See if you can get
something like discount or their group
therapy sessions that you know, somebody offers?
Those are not always great for, like, the
in-depth, like, private stuff you wanna talk about.
But my you know, then my understanding is
those are typically less expensive per person
than a private session. I mean, I just
but I'm why would this person go looking
for that when they think they have
the dom who can help quote fix them?
Yeah. You have no impetus to go look
for a therapist or get creative about how
we pay for this. What do I what
do I go without to whatever. How do
I handle this? You know? And I don't
want people to go without just to get
some sort of care. But
assuming they're in The US, this is The
US. That's what you do sometimes. Yeah. I
know.
Because I feel like this is
the for all of the other details, don't
worry. We're getting into that too.
For all of the other weirdness in this
situation,
the fact that it has,
air quote, been air quote so well, gone
so well, is the fucking miracle.
Because
if you had told me about this person,
we're getting there. We're gonna talk about that
fucking mask. What the fuck? Yeah.
But if you had told me the details
of who this person was and what they
were doing, I would never have said that
this person would have felt empowered or felt
like they had gotten, air quote, better in
any way. I'd have been like, oh my
god. That what is happening? What was it
years ago? I had the masked comedian and
now got the masked dom.
My god.
There's a lot there's a lot going on
here.
For her sake, I desperately want her to
find therapy.
Yes. Because
what is happening is and I read through
the comments on this one Mhmm. Because my
supposition and several people said it, and then
the the OP responded was, wait. Did he
say he'd be disappointed, or is this your
trauma talking and you assume it? No. No.
No. He indicated.
He would find it very disappointing.
He'd be very disappointed in her.
This
woman has gone through,
like
I can only imagine deep trauma to be
addicted to drugs and have gotten yourself clean,
kind of on your own. I I don't
care what the masked man is doing
behind the fucking curtain. Right.
Like
and that kills me because they are capable
of doing things. They had somebody kind of
in the back pushing them
or giving them the nudge or whatever, but
they're the ones that did it. So they're
the ones that are stronger than they realize.
But now they think they need this guy
and his fucking approval,
and the real world is still crashing down
around their ears. The trauma
is still fucking veiled. It it it's almost
in a sense,
like,
she's using this Dom as a crutch.
And he's allowing it? Yeah.
And he's allowing it.
And okay.
Okay. So we want her to okay.
We we want her to go to therapy.
Mhmm.
I certainly understand the idea of if I
just from a submissive perspective, I just do
what this person tells me to do and
I do it right and look at works.
And as long as I keep doing it,
clearly, I can get better. That no. No.
Clearly there. But I see where the the
connections are made. Okay.
So let's
I think I think this kind of thing
probably would a person in their her situation
is probably more susceptible to a thing like
this. But I would not
be so arrogant as to say only somebody
dealing with serious trauma and who needs help
could fall for this. So let's just
set aside
her needs and her trauma, and my god,
I hope she finds a therapist.
He's a masked
dumb. Mhmm.
She doesn't
know his he's not giving his name. When
they meet up in person,
he's wearing a mask. The moment I got
to that line, I went, wait. Is this
fucking fiction?
Is
this,
like,
what? What?
Can we can we
just set a rule that maybe,
maybe,
if they will not show their face and
they will not tell you their their legal
name,
Maybe we should not negotiate a power exchange
where we give them that much control over
who the fuck we are. I don't care
if in the beginning it's air quote it's
air quote worked out well. Because here's the
thing. This person, I imagine, is not a
trained professional. A trained professional who cares about
their license would not do shit like this.
No.
But because
anybody with trauma is gonna hit a wall
at some point, and there's been no therapeutic
care. Mm-mm. He's now I think I said
it. Putting a deadline on self improvement. And
so now her sense of self worth is
wrapped up in a masked,
nameless guy.
And I get why she would because it
worked until it didn't. Except did it really
work, or did that put, like, a a
sheen over
all the hard,
yucky,
dark stuff that A Band Aid on an
open wound. Right. Right.
Masked
and no name.
And I bumped my mic. I'm sorry, y'all.
Oh my god. Oh my god. I mean,
I can see it for a scene.
For a scene? Sure. Yeah. I could even
see it
when you meet somebody, and that's like their
shtick. I could see it if the guy
is,
some kind of, like,
pro dom of some sort, and that's
the act.
Mhmm.
I wouldn't like it. I would give it
side eye. I don't think it would be
risk aware
because we want to be able to point
out a criminal
in a lineup.
Right. So maybe we know what the fuck
they look
like. Oh my god.
Oh my god. And I'm I'm not I
do not say any of that to
criticize
our submissive in this.
I think they were a vulnerable person.
Mhmm. And this air quote dom went,
ah, perfect.
I would love to know, did she question
the mask?
Or
Right. You know?
Yes. Who is that masked man?
Who is now
this is this is where the control that
a Dom gets
is so precarious
Mhmm. Because
he
gave her things to do. He gave her
expectations
that worked for her or seemed to work
for her. So she found some level of
self improvement, and she's
feeling better
to some extent about some things. Clearly,
Trauma never really goes away. I mean, even
when you do learn how to do it,
there are still triggers. There's still panic from
time to time.
But
now there's a dependence
on this person helps me be better.
I'm not better, and they're
telling her they're gonna be disappointed.
Yeah.
Are you are you fucking kidding me? Are
you fucking kidding me?
Rip the mask off. Mhmm.
Give me his legal
government legal name. Let us do a background
search. I don't know how to do that.
I'd have a friend do that. But still,
oh my god.
I I would I would love to know
what he said to sell that to her.
Because all what I'm thinking right now I
don't wanna take away her agency or say
that, you know, she was too vulnerable to
be able to whatever. But how what kind
of vulnerable position was she in? Mhmm.
And how how much had he, air quote,
helped?
The the by the time they got to
that point, she went, okay.
Or was there a discussion? And then how
manipulative was he Right. To like
But somebody who has gone through just a
tiny little bit of what you described and
was still on drugs apparently at the time
Mhmm.
That's a vulnerable
person.
That is a person who might not be
making the best choices for themselves.
And what what is the long
term game for him? Is it as long
as she's responding in the way that he
wants, he'll stay around forever?
Or was there a point he was gonna
toss her to the side?
And she's got this dependence on him on
that? That would, yeah, that would send that
send him into a spiral. Right. Yeah. Right.
So even if he thinks he's doing, air
quote, good work here and he thinks that
this is like, it clearly is not. Right.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Look. I am
impressed
with this person
if they
pulled themselves up to the point that they're
at essentially on their own. Mhmm. Fuck a
Dom who tells you what to do or
whatever. I'm impressed with a person like that.
That is that is
that's amazing.
It shows strength. It shows that you can
do it, and what you actually need is
professional help to to get you to next
levels.
Not a masked, nameless dog. Now,
silent said,
the thing that made me think it you
know,
is this one real?
And for me, that line was, I don't
know his name, and I've never seen his
face.
Where the fuck would you meet
Yeah.
Unless it's in the privacy of somebody's home,
where there just be some guy with a
mask on,
just chilling at the coffee shop? I feel
feel like people would notice that. Or
I I guess the only thing that Like,
what kind of mask? So, of course, I'm
thinking, like, Zora or something. Yeah. I'm I'm
thinking masker and I'm thinking, like, Jason. I
know.
Was it just,
n 90 '5?
I don't
know. If it's re if it's real that's
where to me, I start going, wait. Is
this even fucking real? Right. I mean, yeah.
Yeah. I mean,
did they meet at a dungeon and he
was there? He had the mask on? You
know? And it's, like, part of the the
shtick. Right. You're right. I yeah.
The overarching lesson for anybody else, let's assume
let whether this is real or not is
can't cannot be your fucking therapy. No. Because
even if it looks like it's working in
the short term, it is not actually working.
And it could end up doing more harm
than good. Exactly. Exactly. Because you're not actually
working
through the trauma in the way that a
professional In the healthy way. The right person,
the the right professional could help you do.
So even if it's fake, let's everybody take
two lessons. Kink is not fair kink does
not replace therapy. Mhmm. Kink can be therapeutic.
Yes. Abso fucking lutely. There are definitely people
who have,
in conjunction
with therapy and other things, worked through trauma
in kink scenes,
took back the control or got to, like,
almost Yeah. Rewire the brain a little bit
and associate a thing with something positive instead
of something negative. That's a thing that happens.
Please only under professional,
like, guidance.
Please, my god. But kink itself is not
therapy and cannot replace that. It cannot just
fix you.
And also, the second lesson is if they
won't tell you their name and they won't
show you their face,
run.
It's fine in the beginning when you don't
know each other. Yeah. Okay. Like,
I was we were faceless. Mhmm. You know,
we went
you didn't know my legal name for a
hot minute. Right?
But
once you're you're down to negotiating a dynamic
and there's a relationship
Then there you know? Yeah. Nameless and faceless,
ain't it?
Yeah. That is just like a bouquet of
red flags
being presented
to another red flag holding
a bouquet of like, it's just red flag
fucking city
where everything is a red flag. The red
flag parade? Oh my fucking god.
So
yeah. It oh god. I hope it's fake.
I hope it's fake. I hope it's fake.
I hope it's fake.
Okay.
Next one.
This one, I think, is interesting because I'm
not sure
there's an easy answer, but it is
I think it's something that people must think
about. So here we go.
Like more than just this one person who's
asking. It's fairness in rules and consequences.
Context, me, Dom,
set a list of rules that my wife,
the submissive, must follow around our scenes and
some outside which have consequences if not followed.
My side of the dynamic is easy, but
recently one of the rules which,
has commitment,
from, you know, one side was broken.
I didn't uphold our sex at least twice
a week rule because of some personal stuff.
I'm not making excuses. And she feels it
isn't fair that I'm not held accountable in
this dynamic, which I totally get.
Now we had a little chat with the
view of getting some ideas together and discussing
again. Now we're exclusively Dom and Sub, but
I'm pretty open to experimenting with being a
switch. So I'm gonna bring that to the
table with ideas that we somehow incorporate
a a bit of,
in
okay.
I the the words aren't all making sense
and it's not me.
I'm gonna read it as it's written
that we somehow incorporate a bit of story
into the idea
that I'm bound to the commitment of dominating
her and failure to do that results in
her having to punish me. So I guess
he would switch and be submissive Mhmm. If
punishment was needed. I
I guess my question is, how would you
guys handle this or have handled this in
the past? I want her to feel even
and the rules really help take the guesswork
out of our dynamic. Any other ideas, also
welcome.
We have had this conversation before. We did
a whole episode on accountability
Mhmm. Because the question does come up. Well,
I, as a submissive, have agreed to follow
the rules. And if I don't follow the
rules, there's consequences. There's punishment.
So what happens if the dom does not
follow the rules? Well, this is easy. They
don't get to be your dom. Right? That
that's the ultimate accountability.
Right. But in this sense of
there was a rule we had in our
relationship,
and I did not follow through
how am I held as the dom, how
am I held accountable? Now
I wanna do that, but I I can't
gloss over the rule that got broken.
We're supposed to have sex twice a week.
Yeah.
And personal stuff came up. First first of
all,
am I gonna be am I gonna be
kind of
I don't know if I'm gonna be, like,
an old lady
or a bitch or crotchety.
Uh-oh. Or old fashioned. I don't know. I
don't know.
There are expectations in our relationship. There are
things we agree to. There are agreements that
we have of how what we would like
to have happen.
I cannot imagine
there being a rule that we both follow.
And so if the dom, air quote, breaks
the rule,
the dom needs to be held accountable for
it. You make the ultimate decisions.
You set we negotiate.
You set rules. I agree to whether I
can abide by them. You're like, this is
how we're gonna live our life.
But ultimately, you're the one in charge of
the fucking rules. So if a thing
does not happen according to the agreement that
we've set in our relationship,
to me, that's not a broken rule. That
is you had to make a decision. Now
should there be communication about that? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely. Of course. Communicate about it. I mean,
that that's just like a,
you know, one of those things. Life's gonna
rear its head. That's the other thing. I
don't think you should have a rule about
how much fucking sex you're having in a
week because life is gonna rear its head.
Right. I mean, what if what if
one of them was not, like, had a
physical ailment and was or was just simply
not in the mood for a week? You're
supposed to go,
doesn't fucking matter. I guess I'm curious.
That rule,
is it set days?
Or is it just twice within a week?
You know, twice within the week at at
some point? And he and see here and,
again, I might I might be
an old lady submissive who is, you know,
still in the two thousands. I don't know.
I don't know. The world does move on
from you, and I can't follow every conversation
kinksters are having.
But all I can think is,
I can understand
wanting,
hoping for, looking forward to, in this case,
sex twice a week.
I but
the dom is in charge of that. Yeah?
I mean, ultimately, the submissive you could agree
that submissive can, like, be like, hey. Tonight,
can we?
Or that who the initiation of sex is
outside of your power dynamic. You can you
can certainly negotiate that.
But I'm I think I'm deeply uncomfortable with
these kinds of air quote rules being set
for Dom. Expectations
and understandings that the rule of being allowed
to be a Dom is respecting boundaries and,
you know,
being risk aware and taking the responsibility on
of the control and the power and the
whatever whatever whatever.
Those are I guess we could call those
rules. Mhmm.
But
there's a rule that everybody has to follow,
but the guy the the person that in
this case, the dom that's in charge
I mean, my brain says the dom gets
to decide if that's happening or not because
that's the dom. Unless you negotiated outside. Right.
Right. A specific conversation.
I mean go ahead. No.
No.
I'm struggling over here. Yeah. And I it
could
I know. I mean, I'm you know,
to say, you know, well, we're gonna do
this twice a week like that. You know,
there's so many things,
you know. I mean, come on. We both
know
when you and I, there are times you
may have a migraine.
Sure. You know, my back acts up. So,
you know
Right. I I'm gonna say in general, I
don't think a
a rule that would have consequences, let's put
it that way Yeah. Of sex or scenes
or anything physical
is gonna happen a minimum
of a cert you know? Mhmm. I understand
wanting to have to to create structure around
that if you haven't been getting enough and
you're like, okay. Then we've we've gotta, like,
we've gotta set something in place so we
have a better chance of succeeding at what
we'd like to have happen.
Mhmm. But that would be like let's say
let's just say
our submissive, the wife, she's on her period,
and it's, like, the worst period of her
fucking life, and she does not like period
sex. Should she still have to have had
sex
the two times in the week and then
be punished if she went, I'm on my
fucking period and I'm miserable. Get the fuck
away from me. No. We we all know
that the answer to that is no. Right?
Like, I don't I don't I try not
to think in universality.
Like, there's nuance and there's exceptions to everything.
But if if she was in a situation
where
she could not physically or would not physically,
like, for whatever and that's just a single
example. It doesn't say no was enough. I
mean, y'all. And it doesn't sound like they're
there's no detail here. Did they negotiate free
use? And so he just initiates when I
say he. I don't know. The dom initiates
whenever.
It just needs to be twice a week.
But that's still his decision then.
Because he's the
the person is the dom. Mhmm.
So the the the breakdown is
there should have been communication of there's stuff
I've got stuff going on. There's this is
not gonna happen this week.
I
like, yeah. Dom's have to be held accountable.
But
accountability for Dom looks
different if a submissive has agreed to punishment,
consequences, because the the accountability for the submissive
is the consequence. Right? Right. And we've we
did this episode ages ago. I have to
go, like, find the link to this ages
ago.
And it is a tricky thing because once
the Dom has the control and the power,
the accountability is
they don't get to have the control and
the power. That can that can be taken
away. And it could be that you, if
that's the accountability that needs to happen,
you might just take you might renegotiate and
go, okay. You don't have control over this
thing. Mhmm. Because right? Or you renegotiate and
go, we're not doing this anymore or whatever
it is.
Because that that's it ultimately.
Now if we're talking about folks who are
switches and they something about that they like
or it's a turn on or
it feels right to both of them to
kinda
okay.
I'm I don't have an opinion about that.
But
I would not set a rule
around sex or or fuckery
because the body will do what the body
will do. The life will do what the
life will do, and it will not cooperate
with your sex schedule.
Sometimes it just won't.
If a dom cannot
do what they've agreed to do,
what they need to do is communicate, over
communicate.
The moment you know there's things going on.
And and quite frankly, if this was a
submissive who was saying this of, we're supposed
to have sex twice a week and I
didn't do it because I have personal stuff,
I'd be like, there should be no consequence
for that.
If there were consequence
at all, it would be you didn't speak
up soon enough so we could you know,
I knew what was going on. Right. But
that is not the same as
you your personal life or your work life
or your physical health
prevented you from doing this, there's no
what? What?
This isn't like, you know, speaking a respectful
tone. Mhmm.
Have my coffee ready by. Do this to
like, there's Yeah. I think you have to
be you have to walk a very fine
line when we're talking about sex or fuckery
or kink of any kind that's we're talking
physical acts because life will intervene. Sure. The
the whole person needs to want to consent
to that. You know? And there are all
kinds of reasons why that's not gonna work.
But I just I'm stuck on
why would the dom,
air quote, get in trouble
for not initiating
sex if the dom has control over the
initiation of sex?
Yeah. No. It doesn't. If it assuming that's
been negotiated, if it's Mhmm. A thing that's
with outside of their power exchange, then nobody
gets punished for that because it's outside the
power exchange. Exactly.
Maybe the what the course correction is you
renegotiate. How do you make this easier? Do
you negotiate
that the submissive initiates?
Or may or does things that make it
a little bit easier to you know? And
I don't when I say does things make
it easier to do, I mean things like,
hey. Can you take care of this chore?
I usually do because if I have to
do that,
I'm not gonna have time or energy for
this. Can you handle a couple of things
in the life department?
So to to sort of
make the path easier
Yeah. To getting fucked. Right?
Maybe you negotiate that.
I don't know. I'm I'm just I'm
Flummoxed.
I feel like a fuddy duddy. I'm sure
there is somebody out there that is like,
this is not how we do this anymore.
Okay. Cool.
I
I just think
I don't I do not set a rule
around what your the physical things you're gonna
do, how often you're gonna do them.
If you know you cannot meet the expectation
or the this would be nice to have
for the time frame, you talk as much
as possible.
Doms get held accountable. Their accountability is if
they fuck it up, they don't get to
Dom anymore. They don't get to be in
charge of that thing or you as a
person or the relationship.
But the what you're looking for from a
Dom who fucks up is a sincere apology
and change behavior. Yeah. And change behavior sometimes
they just need to just not do that
anymore or do that thing or whatever.
But it is also and can also be
how do we renegotiate
things within our life and our relationship so
this is easier to do? What do we
change so this doesn't happen again? How do
we adjust for whatever whatever?
But if
the agreement
is that you'd have sex and
and there's no anybody can initiate, it's the
dom who's initiating,
then the dom is in control of that.
The dom has some level of power and
authority over that. So then the dom gets
to decide
when it's happening and if it's happening.
And sometimes,
the
kind of sucky part of submission sometimes is
you want a thing to happen and your
Dom goes, it's not happening.
I have control over this. You've given me
control over this.
If you you don't want me to have
control over this, then let's renegotiate
and maybe do something different. But not
you there would be punishment.
Like, maybe I just need more details about
how this how this rule works Yeah. Within
the power exchange.
Because what? What?
Yeah.
It's
Wow.
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Okay.
I'll here's that's what I would say though.
No. If it's something that the dom is
in charge of,
that means sometimes you get denied a thing
you want.
But also don't make rules about specific amounts
of time or time of the week or
whatever that you're gonna do a thing that
requires your physical body.
Because the physical body will not like sex
or scenes or whatever. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Set a nice to have. Set a goal.
This is what we would like to achieve.
But then be really fucking realistic about life.
That is what I would say on that.
Anything you wanna add on that one? No.
Kim says, so the only way to hold
the dom accountable is to leave the relationship.
If they won't apologize
and change their behavior,
sometimes, yeah. What are you gonna do? Put
your dom in the corner? I mean, you
could negotiate it. Look. In a package range,
you can negotiate anything you want. And if
a dom is willing to, like,
do that,
I'm not gonna tell somebody they can't do
that.
But
that is there's a a level of authority
depending on how you negotiate your power exchange
that you grant a dom. So
if they violate boundaries, they should not be
doming you anytime soon, maybe ever again. Right?
That's a that's a a broken rule that
a dom needs to follow. If they consistently
won't do a thing they agreed to do,
or why are we in this power exchange?
Something needs to be renegotiated or maybe this
is not working.
You see what I'm saying? Like,
the rule air quote rules that a domino
break are the kind that will fuck up
a relationship.
Right? They ignore the safe word. They didn't
they're not checking in consistently. You're having the
conversation.
They're not apologizing when they do fuck up.
They're not following through. They're not being consistent.
They're not
being consistent. They're not admitting that they they've
made a mistake.
Right? They're trying to gaslight you into, I
didn't fuck this up. You misunderstood.
The kinds of things doms can do that
would, air quote, break a rule
are the kinds of things that will harm
a relationship or a power dynamic or a
person.
So when something goes wrong,
we have a conversation,
we figure out what the hell happened,
The dom
tells you what they tell you. They say
I won't do that again. I will put
some things in place so that doesn't happen.
Whatever.
Can you, within your unique power exchange,
negotiate that maybe
a
consequence? You let me say it again. You
can.
My brain cannot wrap around that, but that
doesn't mean it's not possible. It just means
it no. I couldn't. I don't I don't
know how that would work. Because the air
quote rules
JB has are to be my dom and
to be
responsible
for me, for the relationship,
to do the things he agreed to do.
Those are his rules. My rules are to
do the things I agreed to do, but
my rules are very specific.
I make the coffee. I do the bed.
I do the this. I do the that.
His rules are keep me fucking safe. Mhmm.
Respect my boundaries. Yep. You know what I
mean? So the accountability part is, yeah, maybe
they don't they're not your dom anymore.
That's
that's what,
I would say.
I'm not yelling at you, Kim. You I
got ranty. I'm sorry.
And, again, I think that there
it is reasonable for somebody to have a
completely different, perspective of what a rule is
for a DOM and then to define that
differently.
At this moment in time, my brain is
not
not seeing it.
By the way, maybe because of how our
power exchange works. By the way, I understand
power exchange to be.
Because now when we're talking power exchange, we're
talking a dom versus a top.
A top who's not been given any necessarily
any general authority over anything, but they're the
the doer or the giver or the whatever
in the scene, well, then we just don't
do that same. There's your accountability.
Nope. We're not doing that right now or
again.
Whatever. But yeah.
I mean, it it does depend on how
you negotiated your power exchange.
But
if what the power exchange is for the
dom is broad authority over something
Yeah. Then their rules are kind of high
level
specific, but they're about safety and care mostly.
It's not usually, the rule is you'll give
me
10 Spanx with a wooden paddle, and if
you don't,
I give you 10 like, I I take
your paddle away. That doesn't
I just don't that doesn't
work in my brain. Even a bad dom.
Yeah. No.
Yeah. Because when a dom is a bad
dom, they are then an unsafe and irresponsible
dom. Like,
I don't know. That's that's where I'm at
on that one. Okay. Good. Kim knew I
wasn't yelling at her. You're good. I did
raise my own blood pressure. Okay.
Okay. We have one more. Okay. And I
think this will be lighter hearted.
I think so. It is shorter if that
counts.
How to keep praise and verbal affirmation feeling
meaningful in long term dynamics.
I wanna start off by saying that I
haven't been in a DS dynamic yet, but
I got a little bit into overthinking mode
yesterday.
And I was wondering how those of you
that have been in long term dynamics keep
things new and exciting in terms of praise
slash being verbal.
I imagine that after a year or so
of hearing the same phrases like you feel
so good, good girl, you take me so
well, etcetera, over and over again, they might
lose some of their impact. Like, you hear
the words, but they don't hit the same
way or feel as meaningful anymore.
Does that actually happen? If so, how do
you avoid that?
As I said, maybe I'm just overthinking, but
I'd really appreciate some insight from more experienced
people. Look. Look. Over thinkers of the world
unite. Okay. I can I can see how
you go down that that mental rabbit hole?
So as as,
as a dom who does lots of talking,
both praise and dirty talk and degradation,
and as a sub who likes to hear
at least some of it,
what say you? How do you how do
you change it up?
Get it to Tharas.
Here's the thing.
Here's what I would say. If you were
just saying good girl all the time over
every little thing, yes. It will absolutely lose
its impact. Just just like somebody who's, you
know, constantly says I love you. I was
married to that. I got heard I love
you all the time. Saw no action, but
I heard it all the time. And it
does lose something. It it it loses something
when you hear it too much. Absolutely. Mhmm.
You know,
and I I can't help to think sometimes,
you know, with with us, I think actions
speak more than
the words. Mhmm.
Okay.
I'm trying to you know?
But then again,
you know, one of the things that I
do with with this one,
I thank her. Mhmm.
And I give you a weird look. That's
what You do. You do.
Might be my own trauma sneaking in there.
You know,
she
when when she helps me with stuff around
the house Mhmm. I always tell her, thank
you for helping me. I appreciate
the help. Mhmm. You don't have to tell
me. I
yeah. I do.
Yeah. I do. Mhmm.
Because you need to know it. If you
don't know it Right. You know?
But I'm not constantly
It's not every little thing. It's not every
day, all day. No. It's like, good girl.
I actually I love a good girl. Mhmm.
In the obedience app, when I finally remember
to check something, I do everything I'm supposed
to. I forget to go into the app
and check things off. But I get a
good girl. Like, there's this little thing that
pops up and it says good girl. Right?
And that's a thing he could set. You
if you decide to use the obedience app,
that's a thing he could set. So technically,
every day, I actually remember to go with
the obedience app and get a good girl.
But life happens. And so Right. Clearly, we
are not the only way of doing something,
but I think we're probably
typical in in this way. Life happens, and
so he's not always saying good girl. Right?
He's not during sex, he's not always saying
something. This man is a talker during fuckery.
Okay? He is.
And I have very mixed feelings about it,
but he's in control and I go with
it because I'm about to either get dick
down or have my ass beat in the
most delightful way. It's fine. Okay?
But just because that's a thing
JB likes and enjoys
and can get really into and does and
can be kind of air sort of consistent
about it, that doesn't still doesn't mean every
time. Yeah. Right?
He is very good at praise in general
because he's very good at gratitude. He knows
that I, like
even though I'm usually deeply uncomfortable with praise
because for some odd reason, I'm like, what
is
happening? I also like it. It's a bit
of a kink of mine. But he's
found a
rhythm
within the way he conducts himself so that
when it is said, it
is meaningful.
And in a way that's
very subjective, because it could be he said,
let's say, good girl,
yesterday and today,
and they it hits both times.
But yesterday was
for something
that was not fuckery or seen ish or
or dicking down, And it was, you know,
a thing I did. And so there's that
context, and that has that meaning.
And then now he's, like, growling in my
ear while he's holding me down. I'm
I'm living for it, and he's saying it
then
within that context. And so even though there's
been now a repeat,
it means something completely different. It has Right.
It has a a different slightly different impact
and so I'm not getting tired of it.
So
I think many people are probably like that
where you kinda find rhythms. You don't say
the same thing all the time. Look. I
got
I got impact kink. I got praise kink.
I got my kinks. You've got your kinks.
None of us get to indulge those kinks
every single day.
Or if we do get to do it
consistently, it's
rarely the same exact way every time.
So
that kind of praise is not happening every
day, and it's not happening in the same
way most of the time. And the context
around it is different. And I have a
feeling that is probably much more typical.
Are there people who have to, like, help
themselves remember, oh, yeah. I'm supposed to say
these things. And can they go a little
overboard and do it a little too often
or only do it within a specific
context because that's what they can remember? A
100%.
And they're gonna have to find tricks and
ways to work around that to kind of
vary it up, and it's gonna be important
for
the submissive partner who or whoever is receiving
that
to have the conversation of I love it
when you say this or I like this
kind of thing, but it
here's how it's happening and it's losing some
meaning for me. Can we try something different?
You know? Right. I have a feeling many
people might be a little uncomfortable saying, what
do you mean I have to negotiate my
praise? Uh-huh. It's your fucking kink.
It's the thing you want to hear and
you or you like hearing it. Mhmm. If
your partner is not giving you something
in a way that they're trying to do
something you like and it's not hitting for
you consistently,
have a conversation about it. You don't have
to be you don't have to be a
shit about it. Like, be
respectful and kind. Sure.
But you get to say, hey, you keep
saying it this way and it's it's something.
It's just, it's not doing it for me.
Can we can we try something different, you
know?
I would say if you're gonna bring up
that conversation, maybe do a little research or
there's some other phrases that might work for
you or there's some other context in which
you'd like to hear it that you're not
hearing it, whatever it is.
But I have a feeling that
if people are using that naturally and they're
not forcing the praise
every chance they think they're supposed to, I
don't think it does get old. I also
think that, you know, as long as
at least one of you is open to
learning new things and, you know,
whether that's reading or listening to podcasts or
watching videos and hearing how other people do
things, you take in ideas from the world
around you. This is like a little sponge.
And so over time, you come up with
different things because maybe you heard something or
you read something you went, oh, okay. I
kinda like that. I'll try that, you know.
But yeah. I'm I'm somebody who has a
deep praise kink.
I probably need to talk to a therapist
about the value I put on myself to
be a good girl. There's some stuff there.
I don't hear it every day,
and I'm there's no lack I don't feel
like I'm lacking anything. When I hear it,
it is meaningful. And And I think for
anybody who worries that they might say it
too much or they might not say it
enough, it
I don't know. How do you for you,
is it just a thing that
you don't have to think about? You just
say? Or is it a thing you kind
of have to No. It's it's a thing
I think about. Okay. Okay?
Because I don't wanna overuse it.
For example,
here's here's an example. Mhmm.
I wash the laundry. Mhmm. K?
And from whatever day I wash the laundry,
you have
till the middle of the week Mhmm.
To put it away and fold it. Mhmm.
K?
If you wait till
Wednesday at 04:55? Right. Because the deadline's Wednesday
at five.
You did it. You came in under the
wire. You ain't getting a fucking good girl.
And that you know? And here's the thing.
If that because for a while, that was
my thing, and no. I did not. But
you once watched me have a hellacious week,
and I still managed somehow to get it
done under the wire. And I did get
a good girl because context circumstance. Right. Right.
Exactly. Now But yeah. Now, again,
if you fold the clothes and put it
away on the same day I wash,
yeah, that's a good girl. If you notice
and see, that's that's the thing about
that kind of the the praise and and
why it's being said and when it's being
said. Because
we're all human and we're not always a
100% observant. Your dom is not gonna be
observant a 100%
the time. Maybe in the beginning when it's
new relationship energy, but, like, conventionally, you kinda
calm the fuck down and people are people.
Right? And so
there was a long time. I didn't like
JB to know when I was folding laundry,
whether I was ahead of my deadline or
I was I just don't perceive me.
And then I finally got into the habit
where I was doing it earlier. And then
I was
I am like a little kid. I would
be like, daddy, did you notice anything? And
poor man, he's looking around like, oh, god.
It's not her hair. I didn't know she
didn't know.
What has changed? Right? And that's that's not
really fair, but it we're it's playful between
us.
And I I would point out. And so
once I started pointing out, then he started
looking. Now it it it's a point now
that I know enough to look and see
if the laundry basket is back where it
says And yeah. And and when I say
this, I'm not saying this as a criticism.
I'm fine with this because I think this
is how
a long term dynamic can use similar praise
over the years and it still be effective.
The past few weeks,
Saturday or Sunday,
excuse me, I've gotten that laundry done. He
has not said good girl every single time.
I have not pointed it out every single
time. I don't care. I don't mind because
I understand
if he says it
every time the same way, the eventually, it
will lose its meaning. Right? And I and
what when I say it'll lose its meaning,
I won't even clock that it's happening. Right.
I'll be like, uh-huh. Okay. And that's that
happens. Nothing it's not the worst thing in
the world if you get like that, but
that does mean that it's not
necessarily
meaningful.
Now there's a opposite ish problem. If it
goes too long without being said, you're either
gonna miss it or you're not gonna realize
you've been missing it until something
happens. Maybe you finally get a good girl
or you hear somebody else get one. You're
like, oh, shit. I haven't been told that.
I haven't heard heard of that in a
hot minute. Years. Right. Right. So I think
for many people, maybe even most, there's kind
of a natural flow
with that kind of stuff,
that yeah. There will be times it's not
the praise or the the sexy words or
the whatever aren't said very often. And so
then when they are said again, you're like,
hot damn.
And then there will be times where it's
inconsistent.
And I think
to
after
I think it depends on who you are
and how much you need to hear those
things.
We're at a point where I'm fine with
it being inconsistent because
for me that means when it does happen,
I notice it. I know he always thinks
I think that's the other thing too. The
the praise or the sexy thing. I know
he's thinking it because we've been together long
enough. I know
if I don't hear it, I don't feel
like I'm missing anything. I don't I don't
take it as a, oh, he doesn't think
I'm a good girl or, uh-oh, he doesn't
wanna growl that sexy thing in my ear.
You know? I don't take it that way
because his actions and everything else
expresses that. So I think if you have
that as well, some form of that,
it does
it it'll it's
fine. But, yeah, the real the real concern
is if you were just saying the same
thing over and over again all day, every
day, yes, it loses its meaning. But I
think the the,
what are the words I want? The flow
of life, because there's ups and downs. There's
times that your head is not even on
your fucking power exchange no matter how hard
you're trying to have it be. And life
is coming at you and all this other
stuff. You're not even thinking about that shit
because you're not getting do that shit. Which
means that when you're back to saying it
again, you're like, oh, this means good things.
This means fuckery. This means whatever it means.
Mhmm. And, you know, since life sort of
flows that way, I think
some of that
I think it is
not
I think it's an issue that an overthinker,
and that's not a criticism, I'm an overthinker,
would be thinking about. The what if, the
oh my god. This is I think in
the natural course of just living your life,
most of the time, it's not really an
issue. That's what I would say.
But I've said so much today Yeah.
In, kind of a hot sticky room Yeah.
Where the fan is not it's doing something,
but not enough. Not not enough. Not enough.
No. That was my last one. Okay.
We can do a bonus section.
Alright.
So yeah.
You
got this
the setup is so new and weird and
different.
So,
are we good?
I have no fucking clue.
Don't
know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week as long as YouTube doesn't put
us in the fucking corner again.
Daughter.
Yes. Can we talk to the crickets? Sure.
Okay. Go right ahead.
I did a lot of talking. You did.
My throat hurts.
Oh, and, silent in the live chat said
the accountability.
Mhmm. How to hold your dominant accountable was
episode 57.
That's a long time ago. That's a long
time ago. I'm gonna go grab my water.
I'm gonna park.
You didn't oh, no. You didn't have it.
I forgot. Oh, look at you. You got
up and you didn't bang your own mic.
Now the pressure's on. Yeah. I know. Now
I gotta sit back down. Yep. You gotta
sit back down.
Can you do it?
Dun dun dun. I have faith in you.
Oh, podcast listeners,
you can't see it, but
JB silly JB.
I don't know if that if you shrank
in fear. I don't know. I don't know
what that was. I don't know if that
was a little, like, excitement that look. I
didn't I don't know what that was, but
that was something. It was something. That was
something. I don't even know what it was,
but, you know,
I didn't hit the mic. That's all I
know.
I'm very proud of you.
Silent in the live chat says, episode two
zero five was how to hold each other
accountable.
It is possible and she says, but that's
entirely the same thing. It is possible. I'd
have to go back to that episode.
We talked about accountability for a submissive, which
can be consequences, but doesn't have to be
versus accountability for a dominant. So we might
that's still
episode two zero five, we are on episode
four. Hold on. I know this. Four seventy
eight. Yeah. Four seventy eight. So episode two
zero five was still several years ago.
Account.
On one level, accountability to me is very
simple in my head for how I see
it,
but it also feels like a very squishy
topic. Mhmm.
So I don't know.
Yeah.
Now that you've had an episode to be
in this new setup Uh-huh.
Are there are you noticing things you would
adjust, or are we thinking this for the
most part, other than needing new mics,
this is going well?
I think it's gonna be okay. Yeah. It
it needs some tweaking along the way. But
Mhmm. And we're we're clearly not comfortable
with,
like
it's not our normal way, and we have
to, like, create the normal way.
We have to get used to it. Well,
there's that. There is getting used to it,
but there's also figuring out what
will work. Right. And this is the first
time, so we haven't figured out what will
work. So we'll do things different for a
while.
And the part of my brain that just
wants to know what's supposed to happen next
will not love that.
I understand the process. I know why it
has to happen, but I won't love that.
I won't love that.
Silent says I'm noticing things.
Let me know what those things are.
What have I got for the nope. Not
the bar. The bonus
section. Lowell's good. Mhmm. Lowell's doing good. Ella's
good.
Onyx is good.
Mhmm.
Oh, we we did have a little bit
of neighborhood cat drama. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Would you like to tell the story?
So
our our neighbors, they moved.
Mhmm. And
their cat, they wanna One of their cats.
One of their cats. Yeah.
And
well, I'm not getting long. Anyway
They moved. They moved, and before they moved,
they were not able to get this cat.
This cat's an outside
cat. Yeah.
And,
so what it looks like is possibly
going to well, what was said at first
was,
you know,
somebody needs to put food out, you know,
feed the cat.
Because they have the people have moved. The
neighbors have moved. The cat is still in
the neighborhood. Right. Right. Right.
So between
me and bestie neighbor, we've been managing that,
and
she was telling me that the real estate
agent
was going to set a trap
for the cat
and then, you know,
send it where it needs to be. That's
been my question this whole time. Was it
going Yeah. Up north with the neighbors? No.
Yes. Okay. Yeah. It's very confusing. Yeah. That
that's what I was understanding.
Then this morning,
I got a text that, no, the cat
has been adopted by somebody here, and they're
gonna take care of it. And then twenty
minutes later, I got a message, oh, nope.
Wrong cat.
And see the person who was adopting if
I under if this is the same thing
you were telling me, the person who was,
air quote, adopting the cat, wrong cat Mhmm.
They
do they trap and neuter slash fix or
whatever, release the strays in the neighborhood so
that we can have fewer strays. Strays. But
they feed those strays as well.
So the understanding that we have, I guess,
until
oops. No. Not that one. Was they were
just gonna lump them in with their strays
and take care of them, get them neutered,
feed them, let them live on the street
with the other strays that live on the
street. I was and all I can We
have so many cats in this neighborhood. We
do. So many cats. Lots of orange cats.
Yes. Somebody didn't get fixed fast enough. That's
all I'm saying because there are a lot
of orange cats
in this neighborhood. Mhmm. Some are very sweet
and friendly, and some are not.
So I guess that's not happening. It was
a different cat. So we still are under
watch for the cat. Cat. That was, like
so here's the thing. It was an outdoor
cat, but it was an outdoor cat that
would go home from time to time Mhmm.
And would come inside.
But, apparently,
we learned after the fact that the reason
they were letting it outside was because it
was spraying all over the inside of the
house that they've moved out of. Cat's a
male, but had never been
fixed. And Big boy too. Yeah. Big old
cat. Mhmm. Big old tabby. So And, yeah.
So they
they have all that to deal with too.
So, yeah, I guess we're still on a
little bit of feeding duty.
Mhmm. And I guess the agent is gonna
try and come so. To try out? I
I guess.
I hope.
I don't know. I'm not gonna go into
detail about the next door neighbor's stuff, but
they were going through some stuff. Yeah. So
I kind of understand it, but I kind
of they were supposed to have family in
town who's been helping them.
So I don't really hold the person who
lived there, the people who lived there because
of their situation,
like, responsible.
They there were some precarious things.
The family that was supposed to have been
helping them, supposedly, to me, they're the ones
who have done fucked up. Because
what do you mean you didn't, you know
Well take the cat or pay attention to
the cat? I I will I will I
will say this.
Okay?
In in many in in in some cases,
you know, cats,
when they see a lot of activity,
you know, the the
the pod was brought in, furniture is being
moved, people are in and out. I know.
And I That in itself can stress.
I know. I know. I'm and I but
I'm also thinking of
the family that had been living here and
coming by every so often and helping out.
And Yeah. They just left a cat that
was spraying all over this house and did
not try to find some solutions.
What we will not be doing is telling
our previous neighbor who used to own that
house Yeah. The state that her old house
is in my town. I know.
Oh, no.
Well, we see her every so often, and,
oh, nope. We won't talk about that. Mm-mm.
No. The the people who live there, their
situation, it was a sad situation. There's, like,
lots of bad stuff going on for them.
Mhmm.
So I'm I don't judge them for anything
at all.
I'm just
thinking about the family members who apparently
part of the reason they moved into this
house where they did was so their family
would help them, and then their family was
not helping them. No. No. No. No. They
they lived
way out in the forest. Right. They came
in because came in She was because
both of them Right. Her and her husband
had poor health, and they wanted to be
closer to doctors. Right.
The one relative that
was the one that came to help him,
they didn't want the help from that.
But that was the only Person. Person who
Could help. Could help. Or would help. Would
help or whatever. Yeah. Right. So And yet
and yet, once it started being the pack
up thing, I I know the one vehicle
that came down that was driving them up
to where they're I got that. There were
a lot more vehicles that finally started showing
up Right. Right as they were about to
leave. That one vehicle,
excuse me,
was never was not there for any of
that. Notice that too. I did notice that
too. Yeah. Those those people were not there
for any of that.
Mm-mm. Yeah. It was it's a tough situation.
It is. It is.
But yeah. So now we apparently potentially just
have a new stray in the Mhmm.
So We have so many strays.
I
And,
you know, there were there were a few
cats. When we first moved here,
there were a few cats.
Now it's like
We it's gone in cycles since we've moved
here because there were a few and then
it
exploded.
Mhmm. And then it dropped back down. Right.
Currently, when I'm going on my morning walks,
it used to be I saw four or
five cats every day. Mhmm. Their days, I
don't see a single cat up there. Yeah.
So I don't know if they're Wow.
Running off. I don't know if they're dying
off. I don't know if they've gone deeper
into the woods. A coy we've got coyotes.
Yeah. Who knows what's happening to us? I,
I thought
that was a a cat this morning. Remember
I said it was a mane? I thought
I saw a mane. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm wondering if it might have been a
fox.
Could've been. Yeah. Because there's tons of construction
going on around here and a lot of,
like Oh my god. Trees coming down. And
so the the wildlife that that that was
their home, and now they're trying to to
They they just come in here, and they
just dose everything down. We're a we're
fortunate we're near a national forest, so that
part at least is not. Right. But anything
that is not national forest is fair game.
Yeah.
So yeah. Yeah. It's upset the the local
wildlife for sure. Oh, yeah. Because then people
are like, oh, no. There's coyotes. I'm like,
yeah. Because you took their fucking habitat from
them. And now they're trying to find a
place to go, and they're hungry. Yeah.
Yep.
So, yeah, our I heard on the radio,
and I'd seen,
something about this online. The specific city we
live in, percentage wise,
has had had
Last year was the fastest growing city in
The US.
I know.
But, you know, in sheer numbers, because it
is a small area, it's not like millions
of people. We had 15,000
people move in,
but percentage wise, it was the top.
Yeah.
So, yeah, in other cities, they had 50,000.
They had a 100,000, but they were already
real big. Right. But 15,000
to our area,
traffic has
gotten really bad. It's really noticeable.
Oh, yeah. And we've got more car washes
and storage,
unit companies, which is actually a sign that
a city is growing,
which is so strange. You know, you you're
gonna get me started. I know. You're you're
gonna get me started. You're gonna get fired
up. He goes full old man yelling at
clouds or yelling at kids to get off
his lawn over it. It's I don't disagree
with you. I think it's fine. I mean,
no. That's you know, I
watch the way
they are
building like this.
And
back in the year 1999
Mhmm. We had such severe drought in the
state of Florida. Mhmm. K? That is what
helped run me out of my lawn business.
Yep. K. Tell me that. Because they were
so strict on the water restrictions. Mhmm.
K?
Nothing has changed. Mhmm. We still don't have
more water. We haven't Less. More water. Exactly
less. Tampa.
And more and more people are moving here.
I know.
I don't disagree with you. Yeah. There's been
a whole thing. My algorithm has showed me
a lot more Florida content because I've been
following more Florida content. In Tampa, Hillsborough,
massive,
restrictions on water right now. They're back to
what they've done in the past. Yeah.
We're we are we are in a point
where we are experiencing another drought. Mhmm.
We never
really fixed anything from the last drought. Sure.
You know? And now we're overpopulating.
We have one community here is bragging. They
wanna sorry, folks. Didn't
they they want they want to stretch from
the East Coast to the West Coast. Yeah.
The villages. Right?
Yeah. They they wanna be so big. They
wanna go coast to coast to coast. And
I promise you if somebody can figure out
how to let them do it, they will.
Yeah.
Yeah. It's it's it's getting ridiculous. I know
it's not just here.
I know they're not just doing it here.
I heard the same thing about Puerto Rico
now.
Oh, yeah. They they know. Coastal place, of
course. Yeah. They're they're they're tearing down the
rainforest
and and, you know,
building all along the beaches.
So They paved paradise to put up a
parking lot. We're literally watching parking lots go
up in our downtown area. Yeah. That's made
the streets narrower.
There's parking lots, and they're all paid.
You and and not a human works in
them. You better have that app or that
scan that QR code or whatever it is.
Yeah. I I am not against
progress. You need progress. You have to have
progress, But it's gotta be done sensibly, and
nothing is done has been
that way here.
Mhmm.
So We still somehow live on the quiet
side of town True. For now. For now.
And I'm I'm very grateful for that because,
you know,
we left the Tampa Bay area because it
was so overcrowded. It was And unaffordable. Unaffordable.
Mhmm. You know?
And and we we came up here, and
we did, you know, the the area I'm
gonna out around 200
was busy.
Yeah.
But now Mhmm.
Now it is it's like a parking lot.
Oh, I hit my mic that time. You
know, it's it's like a a parking lot
out there. But the thing is you gotta
remember,
we
move for affordability.
So do a lot of people. Yeah. They
either come from up north, down. They're coming
for the sunshine. Mhmm. We are a fast
growing area, so you still kinda get the
feel of country. Mhmm. But
yeah. So
Yeah. Yeah. I know. A a starter home
here now is priced at $300,000.
Starts at 300. When we were looking we
look started looking in 2018, 2019,
starter home was still, like, a 150,
175,000.
Yeah. A lot has changed in the past
few years for everyone everywhere. Right.
So Oh. But yeah. Yeah. I mean, other
other than that, you know, we've been we've
been doing good. I've been doing a lot
of yard work.
When you're not doing a lot of making
shit for Making sure. Cancery. Yeah. Cancery.com.
And then handing it off to me. I
have stacks and stacks of things. We we
got the, front yard cleaned up from all
the, winter detritus.
Mhmm.
And this afternoon, I did the backyard.
Yesterday afternoon. Or did you do the hard
today? I mowed
backyard yesterday. Right. Oh, you did the other
side today? I wasn't able to go all
the way to the back because with our
tree line,
there was so many
branches and twigs and stuff. Didn't wanna run
over with the mower and tear it up.
But,
you know,
so I went got all that cleaned up
today after I finished out in the shop.
Gotcha. And Lola was helping again. She was
out there. She's a very good helper. She
she was, you know, supervising the lawn, you
know Mhmm. Sitting there on the porch watching
me. Making sure you didn't screw it up.
Exactly. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
She's she's become quite a good supervisor.
Yes. JB was on the floor in here
and here in the office where we record.
And,
he had to get on the floor to
unhook some stuff, and Lola just got right
next to him. Mhmm. Let me make sure
you're doing this right now. Yeah. Silence out
here trying to hurt everybody's feelings.
In live chat, she says, I don't wanna
hurt anyone, but 2018 was almost ten years
ago. Almost, but not actually. Come on now.
Come on now.
Almost, but not quite.
My brain
still thinks every time I think, oh, COVID.
COVID was a few years ago. We're at
COVID was six years ago ago now. Yeah.
There's the start of COVID, let's say. Mhmm.
Yeah. Like, what? Like, what do you what
do you mean? What do you mean six
years ago? Yeah.
Time has no meaning. No.
So
yeah. That's us. New setup.
Same
chaos. New chaos because now we're it used
to be I was the one that banged
the microphone. Now you get to do it
too. Somehow I have a feeling that, within
the next probably
twenty four to forty eight hours, I will
be given a link of the appropriate mics
to purchase and be told, make this happen
as soon as possible.
Yeah. Yeah. Feel like that's coming. This is
not working as good as I had
envisioned it. No. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I know mentioned maybe the, you
know, just the the one mic in the
center.
Yeah. But you have us on two separate
volume Volume. Yeah. Volleys
because I'd be shocked. I'm I'm louder. Yeah.
So Jamie turns himself up, and he turns
me down. I did I did try
That you yeah. It was worse. You That
was worse. We were really Podcast listeners is
moving the mic from one side of them
to the other side of them. We were
we were really bonking into everything when we
had them both in the center. So, yeah,
I think the, the lavaliers are gonna be
the way to go.
Yeah. And I've been need to figure out
everything
to get for it. Sure.
Yeah. I started researching those sometime last year.
Maybe maybe year before. Time has no meaning.
I don't know. Because, yeah, this changing things
up has been on my list for a
hot estimate. I know it has.
And here we are Mhmm. Changing things up,
hopefully, for the better. That Right. That is
the plan. Right. So
Yeah. We should probably go. I know. It's
almost time for me to feed fur babies.
I can hear them in in the kitchen.
Yeah. Also, as comfortable as these chairs are
Mhmm.
After almost two hours, a little less comfortable.
And see, I don't I'm You're feeling good?
I feel okay.
Look. I your back and the pain that
you experience is way more important than, like,
one of my butt cheeks being asleep. So
it's
fine. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. This is
still better than the chair we had before.
Yes. Absolutely.
And, ultimately,
that's what matters. No. It's better than we
had before. Mhmm. But, yes, we you know,
this was bound to happen. We didn't stream
or record last week. Right. Our Friday night
livestream got so y'all know I take a
break, and then I can't shut up.
And I didn't wanna I I narrowed down
the Reddit post. Like, I pulled up oh
my god. I had, like, 15 pulled up,
and then I weeded it out. Oh my
god. Could've, you know, got us down the
last one. I was like, nope. I don't
want to. So I didn't.
And here we are. Here we are.
No. But, yes, we are gonna go. Mhmm.
Thank you all for being here. Yep. Especially
to the bitter end. Mhmm.
And, appreciate y'all putting up with our Amptics.
New insanity around here Mhmm. Till we kinda
iron things out? Yep. And,
hopefully,
YouTube's not an asshole. Yeah. And we're we'll
be back like normal next week. Mhmm. Okay.
Alright. Bye. Bye.