You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four seventy seven. K. The Lord's here with
the one, the only, the guy whose shirt
says you need to let that shit go,
and I'm taking that personally
because I feel like I could hear your
voice in my head when I look at
your shirt. I know who you're talking to.
John Brownstone.
Wow.
I do wonder how often you look at
me and you're being polite and letting me
vent and letting me get things off my
chest and letting me just be who I
am. And in your head, you're like, bitch,
you need to let that shit
go. Hey. You do it for me. I
do it for you. So, you know, we
But you're still thinking it. How do you
know?
You don't know what I'm doing. Oh, I
know now.
What does that got to do with, what
we're doing here today? Not a damn thing.
It never does. It never does. This week,
we're
answering a question nobody but me asked
because I had a thought and then it
went in a direction, and now here we
are,
which is can
you, me, us,
individuals
be truly spontaneous
in kink
relationships, power exchange relationships? Is spontaneity
with regards to kink
possible?
Yeah. Fascinating. I am. JB acts like that's
the first time he's heard the topic. Do
not be fooled. I did ask him if
this is what he wanted to talk about
this week. Anyway,
welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday, and
show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
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If the podcast app you're using has a
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you like what you hear. If you don't
like it, skip the review this week. Thanks.
Anyway, you can also follow the show on
Fet Life at loving BDSM PC
on Instagram and technically threads at that handle
I will forever motherfucking
hate. Oh my god.
It's loving d s and the number one.
So it's at loving d s one. You
watched all the veins in my neck stick
out. You have high blood pressure.
Well, that's one of many reasons.
See? Let go of that shit.
That happened yet.
On blue sky @lovingpdsm.
Whatever else comes after your handle on blue
sky. I don't know. I don't care. Or
on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm,
where you can watch us live streaming the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes. Okay. Before we get into this
week's topic,
two announcements. One, a reminder,
the twenty twenty six Dom Sub,
Dynamics virtual summit registration
is still open.
The summit starts on next Monday, March 23,
runs through the twenty sixth, is a 100%
free. You can attend for
free. Use the link in the places if
you'd like to sign up, if you'd like
to learn more. We have a session on
dealing with conflict,
in your your power change, kind of what
to do. Okay. The conflict has happened. Now
what? That kind of deal.
There are,
topics like actually figuring out a protocol that
will work for you. That's from Evie.
When your scene goes sideways, that's from Rara.
I promise you one day a scene will
go sideways. I assure you it will and
a 100% will. I had a panic attack
during one. It was crazy.
Yeah.
And a lot of other stuff. There's, a
person there. I cannot think I can see
their picture
on this the site. Can't think of the
person's name who's talking about kink and the
law.
We've got disability and kink. We've got, like,
all kinds of stuff. All kinds of stuff.
So
check it out.
If you get a free ticket, you'll have
twenty four hours, to watch each session. You
don't have to be there live to watch
it. And when I say live, they're prerecorded
sessions. Yeah.
There will be an option to, like, buy
a VIP pass. If you've got the budget
for that, that'll give you goodies and extra
time to watch. But
the actual summit, that is actually free. You
get actionable
information. We were told as presenters,
our presentation had to be actionable.
So having a free ticket, there's value there.
Okay? So just keep that in mind. Keep
that in mind.
But, yeah, link at the places.
It's March 23 through the twenty sixth. Registration's
going on now. Sign up. Sign up. Yay.
Okay.
Next announcement. This Friday,
March, how do dates work? Twentieth?
Is this Friday? I believe so. Today's the
eighteenth day of recording,
if I'm correct. I might not be. Anyway,
Friday.
It's our Friday night monthly livestream virtual munch
kinky q and a thing that we do.
Starts at 8PM eastern, goes till 10PM eastern.
This is new for this year. I keep
having to remind myself of what time it
starts.
So if you haven't memorized it and you're
confused and you're remembering, you know, the time
from years past, I get it. I can't
even keep up. 8PM eastern, March 20.
It'll be chatty. It'll be chaotic.
I don't know what else else it'll be.
Hopefully hopefully it'll be positive. I have a
hair appointment to get my haircut on Thursday,
and I'm with a new person I've never
been to before.
But I'm going for a vibe check because
they are on the strands for trans list.
That is a list that people who do
hair and have salons can put themselves on
to say, hey. It is safe for trans
people to come see me.
I'm you know, will be respectful and gender
affirming and blah blah blah. And I'm going
for the vibe check before the youngest attempts
to go to get her hair done. So
I don't know what this person will do
to my hair yet.
I might look a fool. I might just
have it clipped back and not let any
of you see that I have a new
haircut.
So that'll be a talking point. Did it
come out badly? Does Kayla look
crazier than usual?
We'll all find out together. I don't know.
So
yeah.
Anyway,
Friday night, March twentieth, if I'm getting dates
right. 8PM eastern. Ta da.
Okay.
So those are the announcements. Now on to
the conversation that Okay. JB is always
very
there's a word I want, and I'm not
coming up with the word that's gonna be
tougher today if I can't think of words
already.
Generous, though, is one of the words is
one way to describe it of, like, I'll
have a random thought, and I'll be like,
hey. You think we could talk about this?
And he's like,
sure. Why
not?
So can you be spontaneous
and kink? So he let me tell you
where this topic came from. Okay?
And then we'll get into it. Let me
tell you what
what went on in my brain in the
85 connections I made to get here.
So I've been having a lot of thoughts
intermittently recently
about
things I wish JB would just, like, do
to me. Like, are all within our limits
are things that we have done in the
past, are ways of being that a 100%
fit within
our power exchange and our preferences and our
limits, all that. Okay?
And, obviously,
the answer is I just need to sit
down and have a conversation with them and
go, hey. I've been craving some of this
stuff. It'd be great if you could do
it.
Duh. First I'm hearing about any of this.
Right. Because he here's my I'm trying to
take you on a journey of the point.
I am attempting to not give you all
the side,
adventures this train of thought went on. Okay?
So that's where it started. And then I
thought because I thought, yeah. I need to
have that conversation. That's and then I went,
oh,
but
no.
Maybe
maybe that's not how how would that work
for JB? Because
it will depend on my mindset. It will
depend
on how the day has been. It will
depend on how many thoughts are already in
my brain, and can I make the quick
switch mid thought to, oh, we're doing this
now?
And would I
can I you know, how does he narrow
down which spontaneous thing to do to me?
Because it will all depend on the vibe,
and I don't expect him to be a
mind reader. So how can
I ask him, hey? Do these things
and kinda just do
them because there's no way he could just
do them and be right enough of the
time to make it worth the risk.
So then it's like, okay. Well, then we'd
have to have
conversation and that would not be a problem.
I'm fine with conversations,
but then it's not like just happening. It's
a little bit pre planned. And I was
like, that's not awful, but it does take
away some of the sometimes I just wanna
be pinned the fuck down and I don't
necessarily wanna have to ask explicitly to be
pinned the fuck down.
Necessarily
wanna have to ask explicitly to be pinned
the fuck down. But then I had the
thought again of, but that's not fair to
JB. He cannot read my mind. Mm-mm. He's
gonna check-in because he needs to. That's responsible,
you know,
fuckery.
So then I got to the end of
is spontaneity
an option?
Now let's be clear. Spontaneity is always an
option. Is it a good one? Is it
a responsible one?
Is is it gonna end well?
That's really the conversation. That's where all this
came from. Because, yeah, I've I've I've been
I've been having thoughts and feelings that I
haven't mentioned to you. So I I I
see we have to go sit down and
have a cup of coffee soon. Something like
that. Something like that. Alright. Alright. So now
before we get into it, because I definitely
wanna know your thoughts on this. Okay. And
I you know me. I have rambling thoughts
too. For sure. I did do a quick
check of, do I understand what spontaneity and
spontaneous mean? I went to Merriam Webster. No.
And they had a list of different because
a word can mean many things and there's
nuance or whatever. But in terms of what
we're talking about, they had two
that fits
my way of thinking of what spontaneous was,
so I used them. Proceeding from a natural
feeling or native tendency without external constraint
and arising from a momentary
impulse.
So lack of constraints.
Yep.
Impulse. Impulsiveness.
So
that's the question.
Okay.
And and
a pre caveat.
Whatever we maybe come up with for ourselves,
that's individual choices, and individuals can make their
own choices and make their and you can
answer this question for yourself in whatever way
you need to. Okay? Just know that. We're
not trying to answer, like, you know, kink
God on high. You know? Here's the decree.
Put it in stone or something. Like, if
you're not the kinky Moses I mean, you
could be if you want to. Your role
play is not my role play, but your
role role play is okay. But, you know
anyway,
what do you think of this?
All of this? All of it.
What are your thoughts?
I don't know. It's not been scripted out,
so I can't.
Are you fucking kidding me?
She said submissively.
For anyone new, yeah. I promise I'm the
submissive.
So
my
thought is, at least for me as an
individual Mhmm. As much as I might
kind of think or in a moment,
be like, oh, if this spontaneously happen if
this just happened right now, this would be
great.
I know in real practice Mhmm. That can't
happen
because it probably would not work at it
would probably not work as often as it
wouldn't work. Like, it would you know what
I mean? Am I saying that right? I
I can I I believe I can say
this Mhmm?
Because we have been together for a while
now. Mhmm. K.
You do not have a spontaneous bone in
your body.
I I do cosplay it. I will come
up, I will mention a thing that sounds
spontaneous like, oh, we should go do this.
JB, it took him a few years to
figure out that I will have been thinking
about it, planning, and figuring it out
at minimum a day. Yeah. I just make
it sound like I was spontaneous.
Yeah. There there there is no spontaneous bone
in your body.
No. I I wish there was. Mhmm. I
have urges that I wish could just be
handled spontaneously.
K. You know, I'm like, this would be
a great time to just bend me over
and do the thing. Now do the thing.
Here's the thing. Do the thing is what
I'm imagining it to be Mhmm. Not necessarily
what you might imagine it to be. You
know? True.
Which is why in general, we don't just
tell a Dom they can just do anything
because their idea of anything and our idea
of anything will probably be completely different. But
sometimes it'll just be just enough different. Like,
if I told you, oh, yeah.
I have no problem if you, you know,
we're were in the bedroom and you see
me, if you just bend me over something
and start beating my ass, go for it.
That will be the gist of it, and
you'll be like, hot damn. And then you
will give me sensation and an experience
that you like,
but it might not be
what I like.
OBS is being weird. For podcast listeners, this
won't affect you, but I don't know what
it's done to YouTube.
So
Apparently, we're back. Okay. Good. And I'm I
don't know. Can't explain that one. Yeah. And
my my worry is I've just lost my
train of thought.
Oh, but my point is
is that, you know, even if I say
the words Mhmm. And you go, yes. I
know what those words mean. The way you
are going to do the thing
will not necessarily
mirror how I imagine
Now we did have a conversation. It's not
about spontaneity, but it is about talking about
scenes and stuff. Right. We're modifying and updating
the, treats I earn when I actually remember
to open the the
app and
actually remember the obedience app and actually remember
to tick off the things I've done. Anyway,
one of them is, you know, trying to
do some new behaviors and one was, like,
if you do this thing all week, you
get impact play at the end by the
end of the week. And I made sure
to negotiate impact play that's impact that I
enjoy, and it's a sensation
I enjoy.
And so that was an important
clarifi
bless you. That was an important clarification to
make in negotiations.
So you can see where
if if we were to have the conversation
ahead of time
about, hey. If I want you to spontaneously
do something,
meaning spontaneous to j b, right, or spontaneous
to me, like, I did not know it
was coming, only that it could be coming,
this these are the exact parameters I think
I could accept it in, and then it
doesn't really feel spontaneous. Same one.
So the easy answer for me is no.
I don't think I can be spontaneous and
kink.
The general is spontaneity
something to recommend? Is it something that you
know, whatever. But let's we know how I
am. Mhmm. Not a spontaneous bone on my
body. You,
not talking about how you deal with me,
we know that you like,
if there was another
blank space person who was not me, who
did have a spontaneous bone in their body,
that pretend person,
what would j b do? I I have
it in me to be spontaneous, I believe.
What is spontaneous do you think what does
that look like to you?
Give me an example. Like, you can use
me as the example. We know it probably
won't ever happen, but you could use me
as example. What would that look like to
you?
Well, for example,
heck with this. I'm going for a cup
of coffee right now.
No. That's not a good kind of
see? See? This is why I I think
that spontaneity and kink is hard because the
idea you're having is complete one eighty from
what I'm having. Okay. Right. But,
80 from what I'm having. Okay. Right. But
if we want to do a thing, we
both
might enjoy it. Now now here's here's what
I'll say about
my thought because I've been kinda
noodling on this since you brought it up.
Do I
think
spontaneity is possible in kinked?
Yes.
With a caveat.
Mhmm. I don't think if you and I
just walked into a dungeon, never knew each
other, just met
Right. Okay. It'd be hard to be spontaneous.
I'd I'm here's the thing. I think part
of what makes this an a kind of
a no for almost anybody Mhmm. In many
situations, probably not all Right. Is that
in order for kink to be risk aware
and enthusiastic Mhmm. Enthusiastically
consented to, there has to be a conversation
that plans what the hell Mhmm. You're allowed
to do, I'm allowed to do, we're gonna
do together. Now So you're working within a
framework that doesn't allow for spontaneity anyway.
Well, and and here's what I what I
what I believe Mhmm. Could be the caveat
to that.
You know, how many years have we been
together? Oh, don't make me do math, but
it's over a decade.
Okay.
So
if I know
because we have been together for so long
and I know
what you like what you don't like. Mhmm.
Okay.
And,
I just decided
we're gonna do a scene right now. Mhmm.
And, I keep it within the parameters of
everything we even negotiated.
It's
the timing
Is what's spontaneous. Is what's spontaneous. But here's
my question, because somebody asked in the live
chat, what about the free use people? And
this is my thought went to that and
is going to this. K. Are you not
standing back and assessing the situation? Have you
not thought, do we have time for this?
Is this an appropriate place?
Does she look like she's gonna
punch me if I do this or go
with it? Right? Like, is there not an
an minimum a momentary
pause
to take a a look around at the
situation Mhmm. And decipher for yourself, is now
the right time for this? And if now
is not the right time,
when might the right time be? So free
use, you've consented to when you want.
Do whatever the thing is we've consented to.
But when you want as a responsible
kinkster
is not it's not always exactly when you
impulsively want it because because I'm sorry. What
if you pretend you had a big boy
job again. Right? And you're on the drive
home and you're like, oh, when I get
home, I'm bending her over and fucking her.
It's gonna be amazing. But when you walk
in the door,
I am being violently ill. Well, clearly,
that idea has to be backburned, so the
spontaneity
of it is gone
because context clues tell you this is not
the right time.
True. So therefore,
if
the first stage
of doing what you want because you've got
the permission and you've got the framework because
of the negotiated boundaries. If the first step
is to go, is this a good time?
And you have to put more than about
two seconds of thought into it. And with
me, a 100% you do. You better have
your aluminum tinfoil hat on, your weather vane
up, not in a stormy day,
and be, like, testing the winds. Right?
Is that truly spawn spontaneous?
Is that possible?
Kinda muddies the water, doesn't it? No. It's
not a simple thing. No. I think that
there are people who live fairly, impulsively, and
spontaneously who are like, yes. We can a
100% do this. And I could be pedantic
and be like, but what about that pause?
Blah blah blah. I'm not wait. Wait. Wait.
I'm more thinking of it in in broader
terms. Again, I think individuals can decide for
themselves.
Mhmm. But if I'm gonna be like
little miss know and all about
it, I'm gonna these are the things that
come to mind.
Because a responsible top or dom is gonna
assess the situation
first.
Well You have to. Don't you? You have
to. I mean, even even if there's free
use Mhmm. You have to assess the situation.
That's a that's a given. That is my
point. That is my point. Yeah. Yeah.
So is it possible
To truly be spontaneous Mhmm.
In the way it's defined? Like because others
we can we can,
semantics. Right? I I have thoughts about
a way to feel spontaneous
even if you meet the definition.
Certain aspects, I think, can. Mhmm.
And
what I'm going I'm and
I'm gonna
use this
based on what I have seen
or heard other people talk about. Mhmm.
It's not something we have done ourselves, but,
CNC.
Consensual nonconsent. Yeah. Okay.
Say someone may have a
kidnapping fantasy.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay.
Now, obviously, with that you have to
negotiate. A 100%. A 100%. Right? That's a
given.
But then,
what if
in all this you you negotiated this? Okay.
This is how we're going to
capture you. This is what we're going to
do and blah blah blah blah. So when
this happens, you're not actually making it happen.
Right. Right? But then
what if then the
spontaneity
comes in with not knowing when it's going
to happen? Yes. That goes to what Rara
was saying in the live chat, which is
for the sub slash bottom, it's spontaneous. But
for the dom slash top, it's in no
way spontaneous because you have planned. Right. And
here's the other thing I I think you
get around where things can feel
my brain keeps wanting to say spontaneity when
I mean spontaneous. It can feel spontaneous, and
it genuinely isn't. But my god, kinksters, we
mind fuck ourselves all the time. Right? I
mean, come on.
I know that outside of the walls of
our relationship,
I'm, like, an independent
fucking bitch from hell. And to you, I
am mostly a sweetheart and won't do whatever
you're talking to. Like, we we live within
frameworks. Right? You know, it's funny. Now you
mentioned that I had a dream last night
that I had to explain to somebody why
I call you the Scorpio bitch from hell.
Oh, they couldn't have possibly ever been around
me then.
No. They couldn't. That would in that dream,
they had never been around me.
Oops. Sorry. I tapped the mic.
So here's what I'm thinking. I think Okay.
Spontaneity
or the
perception of spontaneity
is possible. Mhmm. It is
within it's frameworks within frameworks. So you've already
got the negotiated here's what we do, here's
how we are, here's what I like, here's
what you like, here are the limits. Like,
the stuff you figure out, you do the
big conversations in the beginning, but you fig
you add to it and figure it out
and and
modify it and perfect it and, you know,
adjust it as you go through the relationship.
Then
if there's a conversation
about,
hey. Could could we add spontaneity to this?
How would this work? What might that look
like?
Then you're dealing with a framework within the
framework of,
okay.
Me as the sub who is an anxious
bitch from hell, whose mind is never
on the thing I'm doing. It's 10 miles
away on five other things.
Who
takes
too much of the world way too literally.
Like, there's just too much going on.
I would need to to have a conversation
with you that says, hey. I am down
for
the appearance of spontaneity.
Here is what I think I would be
okay with. Here are here
are, you know,
maybe let's use
oh my god. I can't think of the
word. Let's use cues like words or a
check-in question
to test my headspace and can I get
where you need me to be?
And here's the maybe the list of things
that if they happen to me at a
time I'm not necessarily
expecting them, it'll probably
be okay.
And then we go back to the thing
where it looks spontaneous for me, but it
clearly is less spontaneous for you. Not because
you might not make
not a split second decision, but a quick
decision
where you've scanned the room, you've said asked
me the, like, question
or the done the check-in to see where
my head's at, and then you're like, okay.
I can proceed. And then you're pulling from
a drop down menu
of options. You know what I mean? Yeah.
I think it can be built in,
but then once you build it in, you
have to kind of go,
I'm not gonna be too precious about the
word spontaneous
because this is At that point then it's
not Right. And I have a feeling that
many, not all, obviously, like people who do
and for use and stuff like that, because
we've done that episode. We have a a
type of for use.
That's a little bit of what you're doing
is
these are the things I can allow. Here
are the things you have permission for ahead
of time. You don't have to ask me.
Right. Right. Here are the you know, all
it's you you've built it in. Like, this
box sorry, podcast listeners. You can't see it.
This box is the relationship.
Mhmm. This smaller box in the inside is
this type of situation.
Yeah. But, again, if we're gonna
be, you know, no. We don't
like I
was
twenty, thirty, forty years ago.
It's not technically
spontaneity.
Yeah. And if you
my concern for many, maybe not all, but
many people who try to be actually spontaneous,
impulsively choose Mhmm. Just do it in the
moment. Just don't think. Just act. Oh, we've
got too many possibilities for consent violations
and and
overstepping limits and it being the wrong time.
And Mhmm.
You know, I
I'm not gonna be the person who goes,
oh, yeah. Be spontaneous.
Just just do the thing. You you know,
you saw your sub there and they were
just looking all good. Just do the thing.
Be careful of that because it is easy
to fuck it up. Yeah. It's why I
didn't wanna come to you and go, okay.
I'm having these parts of my brain that
are like, I could really use this treatment
and this treatment this treatment, and I kinda
don't wanna have to plan for it. And
I sometimes I just need it to fucking
happen. That would be great.
But, also, it's not fair to you to
have to try to decipher and guess where
the hell my mind is and what I
will and won't accept in a given moment.
Yeah. That's not fair.
You know?
So I answered my own question for myself
before we even started of I cannot be
spontaneous. No. You know. No. No.
No. Now if we were to figure out
that,
air quote, spontaneous
framework,
is that something that you would want
with me or
to a certain extent, yeah.
Yeah.
Because I feel like it it allows more
room for some play.
Play not play, because all of it can
be play, but playfulness and a sort of,
oh, the moment feels right. Mhmm.
Let's, you know Yeah. Let's pretend that we
can do whatever we want. I you know,
that that's one of those things when all
the,
I would say it. All all the cards
come together
Mhmm. So to speak. You know, everything's
the the the planets are in alignment. Right.
Which
You know, the planets are in alignment. Come
on. Let's grab the toy back and go
to the dungeon now. Sure. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.
And I think that's where the spontaneity ends
though. Because then you're like, okay. Here are
the toys, the limits, where and I know
you. Where's your head space at? What's good?
What feels good? What are you know? Yeah.
Or I or you're gonna start and I'm
going, nope. Like, you went to pinch nipples
this morning, and I went, n n n
n n n n n n n n
n n n n n n n.
The brain was like, you don't that's you
don't want that. You don't want that this
morning. Mhmm.
I never saw somebody back away so fast
as you did that right in that moment.
Well and, you know, I was thinking about
it because so I this has nothing to
do with spontaneity. And maybe it does because
you spontaneously
reached out and went, oh, nipples, And, like,
we're doing a thing. Right. Hoping the 16
year old is not on the other side
of that wall. Anyway
anyway,
so that is a a form of spontaneity
that you then had to be okay with
me going, no. Thank you. But the And
then what about all the times I walk
by you and I just
smack you? You know what, though? You have
made that a habit, and now I expect
it. And I get a little annoyed when
I do not get it.
I'm not gonna say anything. I'm not the
one in charge here.
But you do something often enough. Is it
spontaneous, or is it now just a habit
and a pattern and a routine?
And you know how I feel about routines.
Don't fuck those up.
And
yet spontaneously
see, you can get real granular with this.
Spontaneously,
you will
do a different,
intensity.
The last time you walked by me and
smacked my ass, that shit hurt. I was
like, are you mad at me?
I wasn't mad about it, but I was
I was surprised.
Yeah. Well, I mean, it's all, you know,
there's the the
walk by as he smack, you know, flat
of your hand, and then the one that
hurts, you come with the back of your
hand with your fingers. I know. I'm so
glad you don't wear rings. Oh my god.
So
that's just proof that there is room for
some spontaneity. I think it does come down
to how long you've been together, how well
you know one another.
I I think The comfort level. You can
definitely be
spontaneous
in the time. Mhmm. Okay.
And
I think with the what.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
You know, because we have our, you know,
for us, the toys that we know. And
I know what I can cycle through. Sure.
And how I can play them with you.
And how I can even work in some
of the things that you don't technically like,
but you know Mhmm. We we can squeeze
it in. So, you know, they're they're kind
of lies a spontaneity, you know. You there
have been times I have
gone into the bedroom and set things out
on the bed for you. Sure. Yeah. And
and you see these items, like, oh, yeah.
What's he got planned? Mhmm. You know? But
then there's a time, you know,
I'll just grab something and Yeah. I'll be
bent over the bed waiting. And you're like,
don't move.
Not a problem. Wasn't going anywhere. Yeah. And
next thing I know yeah. So in those
moments, are you
is that a spontaneous thing of, like, I've
got an urge. I wanna go get this
toy, that toy. I wanna do instead of
whatever you were gonna do. You know, it
yeah.
There are
many times
I'm
my brain's spinning. Sure. You know, thinking about,
you know, things we can do.
And, you know, times it's just like,
yeah.
I have an urge, and I'm gonna just
do it. Mhmm. And, you know, I think
that to me
many, most I don't like to say all,
nothing's universal. But I think in many cases,
that is where the spontaneity lies is in
the having knowing each other's
boundaries, limits, wants Mhmm. Needs, likes, dislikes
well enough
that you were you stay within that framework.
So,
you know, the me bending over the bed
before we go to bed, that's not spontaneous.
That is planned. That is a routine. That
is how we do things.
What you do
in that moment with that moment is where
then you can be spontaneous and just make
a decision. Mhmm. Now it is then, as
always, my responsibility
on the other side to let you know
immediately if that was not a good choice.
Exactly. And and, you know, that that's
something too, you know.
Yeah. You can jump into the,
you know, spontaneity, but it does not
relieve you of, you know, your duties of,
you know, taking care of your toys and
But and also being very comfortable with being
told, you know, hearing a safe word or
read Right. Or stop or whatever. Like, knowing
that this spontaneous idea you had might be
rejected immediately.
Now,
here's the
thing that I
try to believe that does not affect me.
K. And yet, in all of this
thought meandering I've been doing, it still does.
Here's the thing.
I
want to for you to be to the
extent you wanna be Mhmm. More spontaneous within
some sort of designated framework, like we're talking
about. Pre negotiate. Here are some things. Here's
my thoughts. Blah blah blah.
Excuse me.
I want that. Mhmm.
And and yet I know myself well enough
to know that you could be going through
the whole mental checklist and everything checks off,
and
you try and it doesn't work. And I
know you're, like, you're not fucking adult. You'd
be like, okay. It didn't work.
The submissive part of me that knows that
we talked about this and I've I've agreed
to some semblance of this and Mhmm. That
there are times that I do want it
in a moment
where I don't want it, like it was
just a the wrong moment or bad day
or my head wasn't in it, there is
guilt that should not be there. You've never
made me feel guilty. It is all internal
to me who doesn't want to tell you,
no. Don't do that. Will I? Yes. Because
I have all these
thirteen if I'm doing math, thirteen years? I've
trained myself to do it, but I don't
like it.
Right? Like, I I want
that sort of fantasy
version in my head
of where, sure, you've got a checklist you
can do, and I might not know what's
coming, but I know it could be coming.
And I've already agreed to these things, and
it's just gonna go off without a hitch,
and I will be able to switch my
brain over from whatever the hell it was
doing to where we are right now.
Right. And I want that to be true,
and that's who I want to be.
But the reality of it
I'm honest enough to know.
I'm self reflective enough to know.
That is a hard
I I think it would take practice because
I have a feeling
it would have to become something that I
got in a way kind of got used
to. Not used to, like, a schedule. That
you know it was some it was, it
was
something that could happen. You'd have to have
a tell. I think there would because I'd
have to have a way where I could
manually switch my brain to another
okay. Podcast listeners, you don't see him picking
up his wallet bottle. We talked about this,
a few weeks ago. I cannot remember
under what context. Yeah. We are old people
now,
and the way we signal that there will
be some
fucking and probably fuckery to go with the
fucking, so JB brings the water bottle into
the bedroom because we need a sip of
water after that.
It it came about after that reel you
sent. About how old people, like, seduce one
another? They they all had
everybody was talking about their different tells. And
I was like, what's our tell? My husband
turns on the heated blanket, and I know
I'm gonna get some.
Right.
Ours is the water bottle.
And that does work. And you know what?
When I see the water bottle Mhmm. I
get a little, like,
you brought the water bottle in the other
night, and I thought for sure I was
gonna get dicked down.
I mean, what we did was good, but
there was no dicking down. And I was
like, oh, because I did have that little
thrill.
So that goes back to it. If you
have to create
and, again, not everybody would would need this.
We're all different. But,
if you have to create a signal
so I can switch my brain, is it
spontaneous?
Even for me now at that point? Because
if we go on the principle that it
is spontaneous for the sub or the bottom,
but not for the dom or the top,
the moment I have a cue that lets
me know something's coming,
am I living in that spontaneous moment now?
But you don't know when you're going to
see me pick that up and walk to
the bedroom. True. True. True. That is true.
That is true. And I don't quite I
would not quite know what is going to
happen Right. On the other side of that
Mhmm. Other than whatever we have previously
discussed. Right? Right? Mhmm. Now I can tell
you the things that
I
had the thought, man, I wish this,
could be more spontaneous. I could have this
experience spontaneously.
It is the stuff
that I like, the sensation, the experience.
And so then
I that would a 100% take the spontaneity
out for you because you like those things,
but you like other things more. You you
know, you are seeking different reactions from me
than like, when I get thud and deep
tissue massage sensation,
that's a different response than stingy, burning. I'm
dying over here. Right? And so then if
I come to you and go, yeah. I
want you to spontaneously do shit.
Here's the list, and it's all within my
very specific parameters of what I love,
which is not necessarily what you love.
Is it spontaneous?
Spontaneous. Because you're not even getting to choose
exactly what it is based on your preferences.
You see what I'm saying?
And to not be spontaneous is not a
bad thing. Thing. I like the fact that
one of the things I like about kink
is that you have
direct
deep conversations,
and you say what the hell you mean,
and you mean what you say, and you
plan shit out, and then the dom takes
it away from it. I like I fucking
like that. So I'm not complaining if it's
not spontaneous.
But I am wondering, is it at that
point
like, what is it?
Well, at that point, I think
the spontaneity
then comes in
where,
you know, okay.
We have
eight toys that
give thud that you like. Mhmm. Mhmm.
So then, I have eight toys to choose
from Mhmm. That you have no idea what
I'm going to choose. Mhmm. Okay? Mhmm. So,
there
Right. I, you know,
I think that's as close as you can
get in some of the For folks who
don't have a spontaneous bone in our body,
yes.
So,
who was it?
Tastes you in the live chat. Did say
it's important to point out not everybody plans
out their day as much as Kayla or
my wife. That is true. Talking about his
wife. Some people are chaos creatures and can
be spontaneous. But here's my question, and I
don't have the answer because I'm not spontaneous.
But I want our chaos gremlins out there
to think about this for yourself.
Is it
risk aware, consensual kink? Can that be done?
Can you be that spontaneous within the confines
of kink? Or
it are you only able to be spontaneous
after you've done some kind of
setup so there's there's parameters to live within
and define the spontaneity
in that? And, and my chaos gremlins out
there who live spontaneously,
I can't imagine it but I'm happy for
you.
Do you still take that moment to assess
the situation and get context of,
is this is, you know, is my partner
bent over puking right now? Maybe this isn't
a good time,
or is it you don't
necessarily pay attention to the context clues and
go barreling in? And how does that work
out for you? Because I imagine it probably
most of the time would work fine, but
then there would be times it would not
work fine.
But that's like anything. I know. Nothing is
ever a 100. Of course not. But the
the thing about
having I'm gonna keep calling it framework. It's
stomach started drinking game. The framework of what
you know the boundaries, the fence line of
what you know is allowed.
Mhmm. Whether that is just somebody's
limits and boundaries and this and that,
you're working within something that is not spontaneous,
which I think does give you the freedom
to be more spontaneous. Alright. You you know
I'm I'm gonna use this as as kind
of an example.
Okay? Because, you know, we we've talked about
how,
you know, you can be spontaneous
within
The parameters. The parameters of kink. Right.
Alright.
I'm gonna go out to eat.
Okay. K. I'm gonna go out to eat.
Where am I gonna go?
I'm not gonna go to some place
I don't like. Right. Okay? Or food that
I
Right. I I I have my favorite restaurants
that Sure. And I'm gonna pick from one
of those. Unless you truly are a very
spontaneous person Well, and then just walk in
where and then you can just walk. No.
I'm you're living a life I can't imagine,
and I'm very happy for you, but I
cannot imagine
it. I'm just not that person. I'm just
not that person. Okay. So I mean, you're
still acting Mhmm. Spontaneously,
but again, within Right. Certain parameters. And that's
the thing I don't think I made my
point. You're like, yes, that, you know, nothing
is ever a 100%. So if somebody
spontaneously just barrels in and does not take
the second to go, wait, what is the
context here? Is this the right moment? They
just barrel through with whatever the thought was
and they go forth
and that sometimes it will not work out.
Here's the thing. Part of the reason we
create the parameters
within kink and we have the negotiations, we
go, here's the hard limits and here's the
boundaries and here's the things I want and
here's the things I like and here's the
things I don't like and blah blah blah
blah blah, and we create our Venn diagram
of you and me Mhmm. Is to reduce
the chance
that something is gonna go wrong. Yeah. True.
Things will always go wrong. That's why we
talk about Mhmm. Be prepared
for even the best plan scene to, like,
fuck up. Murphy will raise his head. But
that's because there was planning ahead of time,
and we know it's coming.
I I don't have
concrete thoughts on this because I'm not a
spontaneous person. But for somebody who, like, feels
like, no. I'm a spontaneous person. I just
sort of barrel through in certain situations,
That is what I'm wondering about. Is it
does it feel like you're being spontaneous because
you have the parameters already in place,
or
are there folks out there who tried to
barrel through spontaneously and kink without clear parameters
or knowing those parameters really, really
well. And,
you know, how how is that working out?
Because from my viewpoint, I can't imagine it
because I'm not wired like that. Like, it's
never gonna be my experience.
I would be freaking the fuck out if
you were the type of partner
who who didn't
at least
a little bit go, let me think this
through real quick. You know what I mean?
And I don't want to assume that spontaneous
people don't think things through. Mhmm. But I
do know what impulsivity looks like.
Raised two teenagers have strange random moments of
impulsivity myself. And my experience with impulsivity,
especially the kind that I didn't really want,
you know, the moment the I got the
dopamine hit of the impulsivity Yeah. The moment
that faded, I was like, that is not
what I wanted. Right?
That's the thing. The few times in my
life that I've ever just barreled through and
didn't stop to think and didn't stop to
catch my breath and went, I have thought,
do thought now,
it did not end well.
And I so I'm curious about people who
live their life differently, follow their impulses differently.
Are are we still like, does it work
in kink as as long as you just
are following the basic rules of kink that
there are negotiated bounds and you're just staying
within those? Mhmm. And does that then especially
for a spontaneous person, but maybe for people
like me who are not spontaneous, does it
give you more freedom to be spontaneous? Because
you know
the rules,
the guidelines
Mhmm. The fence, the box. Call it whatever
you want.
Already been decided, and now you have freedom
to move within
that. Mhmm. But then I would say, if
you yourself are an impulsive or spontaneous person
and your partner is not,
y'all are both gonna have to learn
how to Navigate that. Navigate that. Because if
you were impulsive
and you came at me impulsively,
until I learned how to deal with that
or I got used to it or you
and I found our balance Mhmm. That would
freak me the fuck out.
I married an impulsive person who every impulsive
choice he ever made was wrong.
It was very stressful. So I'm also, in
that way, keyed up to not like it
as much to to be very wary
Mhmm. Of impulsivity.
But I do think that with trust and
time, I you and I could adjust to
one another. You would go, I've got the
impulse, but I better send up the flare,
use my keyword, do a check-in.
You know, we would we would learn we
would we temper each other. The more we
learn about one another and we want things
to work
for both of us and for both of
us to be happy, the more we
together adjust. Right. You know what I mean?
So I I'm not I don't want it
to make it sound like, I just can't
imagine impulsive people. Like, I don't that's not
what I mean. I'm just curious because I
can't imagine it. Because I am, like, whatever
the polar opposite is from impulsive
and
ever the polar opposite is from impulsive and
spontaneous,
that's me. She's she's probably already got tomorrow
all planned out. If I could and if
I thought the world would just let me
keep my fucking plan
and if my brain
would cooperate with the plan, the plan I
set on Wednesday for Thursday, if I could
wake up on Thursday and have Wednesday's brain
that made that plan working that plan, life
would be pretty fucking good. I'd be so
happy.
I'd have almost no stress.
I'd drive her nuts sometimes because she'd ask
me, what do you have planned for today?
Work.
I don't know how you function. I know
people do. I know people do. I know
more than you do. You just more people
than you, JV, do. I just my brain
cannot comprehend.
Like, I
I I was like, I don't I don't
know how. I don't know how.
I can't envision it.
Now Tayshoo says that impulsivity and spontaneity have
overlap, but they're two different animals. And I
think you're right. I was referring impulsivity to
the definition from Merriam Webster,
arising from a momentary impulse. You know? Proceeding
from a natural feeling or native tendency without
external constraint.
I'd have to look up what impulsivity means
to get its, like, nitty gritty. Mhmm. And
there there are it's a 100% impulsivity that
can be dangerous. I I married it, and
it did not end well. It did not
end well.
But, you know, our spontaneous
people, people who know enough who have have
better control over their impulsivity?
And they turn it into spontaneity
because that's spontaneity can
is is spontaneity more, responsible than impulsivity?
Is it semantics
I don't fucking know. That is not my
journey to walk in life. You're making my
brain hurt now.
We're almost to getting to the point where
you go, what,
is the definition of is? Is that right?
Or what is is? Yeah. That's Yeah. You
can get too far in the weeds of
these, and I'm I nerd out over that.
I like the semantics of it. It's a
little bit like I'm doing a like, I'm
walking a maze and I'm like, oh, I
see another way to go because did you
think of this thing? And you know? Mhmm.
So yeah. I'm you know?
And then I find it even more interesting,
and I think there'll be something to say
in this when I get to this. I
keep saying this, and it's not I'm not
trying to edge you with this information,
but I'm
I'm working on the Neurodivergent
series. Correct. And, you know, understanding
a little bit more about folks who are
autistic
who tend to, not always, not universally, tend
to prefer plans or
routines or knowing what's gonna happen, right, versus
some, but not all people with ADHD who
part of it is the impulsivity and the,
like, I just fucking do shit sometimes.
And then God help us, and I I'm
including myself in this even though it's a
self diagnosis, when you have fucking both
because you have two kind of polar opposites
fighting against one another. Yeah. And may the
odds be ever in your favor of which
one you're gonna get that day.
But
so my point to that is to say
that if
so
I had not confirmed it and I'd saved
it, so I don't remember exactly where the
number came from. But there is a thought
that while neurodivergent
make up just a, like, a
two to three to five, whatever, percentage of
the population, although it is probably higher than
that because people get missed in diagnoses and
all that. Mhmm.
In the kink world,
neurodivergence,
I wanna say it was anywhere from thirty
to fifty percent
of people tend to be kinkier within the
kink community. And part of that is because
there's a lot of communication and there's a
lot of frameworks. And for for people who
want to know what the fuck is supposed
to happen and they don't wanna have to
guess what they're supposed to do,
that's a
good, you know, thing that that works well
for those kinds of minds.
And then I think about those who
are a little bit impulsive, those who do
just go for the dopamine rush. Mhmm. Does
it sometimes bite them in the ass, or
does it just take a learning process of
learning
how to move within, again, the parameters
to still Yeah. Have that experience. And and
see this is just me. At least, I
think it's just me.
For whatever reason,
I have always
looked at,
being impulsive or impulsivity,
more in a negative
connotation. It's because
impulsivity
can lead to negative outcomes. Spontaneity
can, but spontaneity is the fun cousin.
Spontaneity says, hey. I'm the fun one who
decided we just go on this trip and
I just told you right now. To somebody
who is not spontaneous though is
I'm not in a good mood about that.
Wait. I had plans and I had mapped
my day out and and who's gonna take
care of this and did you think of
all these things and you know what I
mean? So I'm the the Debbie Downer who's
gonna say even spontaneity
is not necessarily a positive. But I agree
with you. Impulsivity absolutely is seen as the,
you make terrible decisions without thinking about them.
Where spontaneous is the, I'm the fun aunt
who's gonna take you to Disney World this
weekend. Just get in the car and let's
go.
Yeah.
But those of us who are worriers and
planners and need to know what's gonna happen
next do have questions before you spontaneous people
do your thing. Who's feeding the dog? Who's
taking care of the cats? How are we
gonna get the chores done? We had plans
for this weekend. When will we get those
done?
Look. I am I I'm an efficient bitch
who gets stuff done, but I will bring
the vibe
down.
Oh my. I I've had in my in
my life one surprise birthday party,
and my friend at the time,
planned it with my parents because she wanted
she wanted it to be truly a surprise.
And I figured it out day of hours
before, but day of because there was too
much, hey. Let's go do this now.
And I had too many fucking questions. Also,
pattern recognition. I was like, this isn't none
of this is normal. Y'all are doing weird
shit. This is blah blah blah. I figured
it out.
Thank God. Because if that had felt like
a thing that just happened to me, I'd
have lost my mind and nobody would have
had a good time.
I am
so unfun sometimes.
I know who I am. It's fine. It's
fine.
I mean, ultimately
Mhmm. Ultimately,
I think, of course, yes, there can be
spontaneity in kink. I do think it comes
down to who you are as a person,
your comfort level, what you need to feel
safe and good within kink.
And also it has to do with how
you do it. It's a little bit like
I don't know if this is the right
analogy. I might change my mind mid sentence.
So
Dom's having
control and power,
it only lasts while you have consent. So
you don't have true total air force, total
power. Right? It is a little bit of
a mirage because it can be broken at
any time. It is through the consent of
both parties. Mhmm. One person takes away consent.
It's it shatters. Right?
I wonder if spontaneousness
in kink is kind of the same way.
It looks spontaneous. And to at least 50%
of the the situation, it might feel spontaneous.
But it's really a mirage because there's been
planning and there's been forethought and there's been
a careful calculation of how do I think
this is gonna go? Is it gonna you
know, am I am I about to, like,
break my whole relationship because I done fucked
up? You know what I mean? Like, am
I staying within the bounds? Right? The the
the safe lines of what I'm allowed to
do. Right. And so I wonder if that's
what it is. It can goes back to
what Rara said at the very beginning, which
is
for the the big d side, it's not
spontaneous. For the little s side, it might
feel spontaneous. And, again, that's then just
Mirage is the word I keep coming up
with, but I know there's a better word.
I can't think of what it is. It
it's not
it's not definitionally
actually
spontaneity,
but as long as it feels like it
and you have you know, then it that's
fine. Like, it's who cares? Because then it's
semantics at that point. That yeah. It's me
going, well, actually,
let me open up the dictionary.
I am so fun.
I'm I'm not gonna well, actually anybody on
that because
I get it. I get it. Because even
I, the most non spontaneous
unspont in whatever the word is, No. No
to spontaneity.
Have cravings where I'm like, man, I do
wish this would just kinda come out of
nowhere to me. Mhmm. Except
I'm realistic enough to know you think that
today because you want it right now.
But in two days, if you get
it, you might elbow check it. I'm
like, what the fuck are you doing?
Oh my god.
Anyway
Any who's?
Any final thoughts?
No. Yeah. I
of course, there is. Not not for me.
Yeah. But if you can manage it
yeah. Just don't get too precious about the
definition of the word spontaneous.
And truly be careful because
full impulsivity,
calling yourself spontaneous, but there's been no negotiation,
there's been no agreement, there's no plan in
place within kink. That's so fucking dangerous. Now
now do you actually have consent for anything
you're about to do? Of course not. I
think it it has to work within the
bounds
of what a kink relationship between people
has been decided it is and Mhmm. What
you do and what you don't do within
those bounds.
Also, if you have a partner who's like,
do not do shit spontaneously
with me. That is a hard limit. You
gotta respect that shit. Well, I'm just saying.
Do. Yeah. And then decide, are y'all compatible?
I don't know.
I'm trying to imagine if you were spontaneous.
Or if you were impulsive the way I
think of the word impulsive, we would not
be together. I I would have noped out
very early on Yeah. Because that was there
was too much baggage there. Mhmm. But spontaneous
in the way that it's, like, meant to
be of, like, this is actually supposed to
be fun,
I probably could have gotten used to it
because all your other good traits and the
things I love about you would still, you
know, have been there.
So
but I think there would have been a
lot more navigating. I think there would have
been a lot more misunderstandings
before we figured out what worked. True.
So that's just what I'm saying there. Anyway
Anywho. Yeah. That's all I got. Okay.
So,
are we good? I have no fucking clue.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
on Friday.
Dottie. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to
the crickets? Sure. But not too much because
we have to have, like, stuff to talk
about. That's true. Hopefully, we're not laughing at
my sad haircut. I get very nervous going
to a new person because you don't know
know them. You don't know them. You don't
know what they're like. And this person is
on Instagram, but not like there's not video,
so I love them talking. It's pictures. Yeah.
And so
Lola agrees in the background.
Whoo. She's very sad.
Oh, yeah. She's been she's been, abandoned.
Nobody loves her anymore.
She is alone and lost in the world.
And by the world, I mean, our couch.
She
her we are a little worried that her
eye that we just got cleared up a
few weeks ago,
from the,
ulcers and infection is happening again,
which the ophthalmologist had said if her eye
goes into this cycle of needing antibiotics,
clearing up, needing antibiotics, clearing up, that means
that she will need surgery.
I need surgery for Lola to hold out
until early next year when then I have
some surgery funds for Lola.
Just like I need surgery for Ella to
hold out till early next year. But Ella
is still peeing on everything.
So I don't know.
Yeah. And I want I don't look. I
don't want I don't want Ella to be
miserable or in pain or uncomfortable.
But if she is peeing on everything, I
want it to be because she
is uncomfortable and not because she's a little
bitch that now has bad habits.
Yeah. If it's happening, I can be very
forgiving of you don't feel good,
and so this is
a result of that.
I hate it. I wanna help you. I
wanna help us.
But if it's just like a oh, I
know I could use litter box. I just
don't fucking feel like it. Yeah. Yeah. It's
hard to be sympathetic
and understanding
and kind.
JB watched L. A. P. On something
the other day. I don't remember
what I just remember you being I I
I was very annoyed. I was,
sitting in in the
back room. And she just peed on the
corner again. And I was sitting there doing
some doing stuff on the computer,
and,
I turn around and I see her walking
in. She walks all the way to the
far corner. She looks at me, squats down.
And so JB, rightfully so, was pissed. Was
pissed. Now JB and I handle our anger
differently.
I,
being who I am, y'all know,
I try to only say exactly what I
mean. JB can be a little bombastic. I
think it's the Italian in him. He's like
what the fuck? You're right. So he's like
that goddamn cat. And I'm like, and I
can't remember exactly what you said, but my
response was, and what do you propose we
do with her?
Like, what is the solution? And then he
didn't wanna talk to me anymore
because I was like, well, let's be solution
focused. And he was like, I just wanna
be mad right now. Just let me be
mad. I remember they're going, no. I don't
like that.
You're gonna be mad. Take us somewhere else
because
I'm gonna be looking for solutions, and I
don't think there is a solution right now.
No. There's I I know. I I know.
It's the it's the it's the it's
the frustration.
I know. And yeah. You know, it's probably
healthier that you let your frustration show, and
I just sort of
I I'm constantly loosening
my jaw.
My jaw just sort of stays clenched, and
I I don't realize I don't I don't
even think about it. There's a creator,
I see I see on Instagram. I'm sure
he's on TikTok.
And,
he's got a whole thing about he's currently
a stay at home dad, six month old,
two and a half, three year old, like
little, like two under, like very young children.
And so he'll be showing his day about
how he's clean as this up or he's
doing that or he's working on this or
whatever. And then so usually about twice in,
in his video, he'll go, unclench your jaw.
You're not in trouble. Nobody's mad at you.
And every time he says unclench your jaw,
I just I just relax my jaw. I'm
like, oh, yeah. Thank you.
I should I should follow
I should follow you, like, so I could
get this advice every day. Yes. I get
your job.
I can report
that Onyx
let me pick her up and hold her
for about two seconds this morning.
So when I want Onyx to move from
wherever she is, it typically is when I'm
making the bed, which was the situation this
morning, or when she's sitting in my seat
at the dining room table,
I just put my hands
near her torso as if I'm gonna lift
her, and she takes off like a shot.
She don't like that shit.
She's on the bed this morning, and she
had been on the bed with me while
I was laying in bed. I did not
wanna get out of the bed. It was
too cold. I was too cozy. I stayed
there way longer than usual. And she, like,
was all on me. She was purring. She's
letting me pet her. She was a little
bit cuddly
to the extent that onyx can be cuddly,
which same girl.
But I got I finally got up, and
I make the bed in the morning
before I start my day. It's, like, the
very first thing I do.
And she's in the middle just lounging and
I'm like, girl, this cover is I gotta
straighten it. I can't I cannot have a
lumpy cover. We gotta fix this. So I
figure I'll put my hands out to her.
She's facing me. This was not behind her.
Put my hands to towards her torso as
if I was going to pick her up,
and she'd dart away because that's what she
does. She did not dart away. And so
I was like, this is the great experiment,
and I let my hands come around her.
Oh, she was so soft and warm. And
then I started actually picking her up, and
she allowed it. She was confused, but she
allowed it.
And it was when I went to draw
her in,
she was fucking done. She was done and
she was gone. And I let her go,
like, I wouldn't, wouldn't,
you know Yeah. Consent fucking matters. But I
I got I got to hold her for,
like, a whole,
like, two seconds.
Yeah.
So
that was a highlight of my day.
Anything else you got going on? Most most
of the stuff I wanna talk about is
saved for Friday. But Yeah.
You've been bringing me product.
Yeah. I've been very busy. Mhmm.
Very busy in the shop. Silent says, find
me a Gen X that doesn't have a
sore jaw or sore shoulders. Guess what? I
have both. And a sore spot. Now not
my neck, but just below my neck where
there's that muscle that every time a doctor
touches it, they go, oh my god. That's
tight.
Uh-huh.
No. I I I know. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. I've just been keeping busy doing stuff
around the house and
working, making stuff.
Yeah. I,
I've been doing exactly what needs to get
done and then struggling to do
above and beyond stuff.
I did figure out what was slowing me
down in the research part for the neurodivergent
series I wanna do. I was the book
I was going through and reading to, you
know, get some greater understanding, I did not
enjoy the book. And I understand that a
different person with a different brain would go,
well, just start another one. Just either don't
finish it or come back to that later
and start another one. That's not how I
operate. I started that book.
I have to finish that book before I
can start the episode. Damn well gonna finish
that book.
And that's not universally true. One of the
books I got,
I truly did skim it because I knew
I knew within, like, the first page, I
was like, this is this is not written
in a way that I can read it.
It's not happening.
So I did just skim it for, like,
the highlights. I knew what I was looking
for, and I wanted to get that information.
But this you know, the other books I've
got are books I also want to read
for me,
for my personal benefit.
Yeah. So
anyway.
No. Silent. I have not read Katie O'Sourcer's
book. I can
not
is her book still on pre order or
is it out? But I the books I
have are from the library.
So
I don't our library is probably not gonna
be quick to get that one. Yeah.
I actually have to read the physical books
because
I could not get the ebook through the
Libby app through my library card.
Because
our library system was like, we didn't think
anybody would ever even want that book. I'm
like, yeah, I do. I would prefer to
read an ebook. I would be oh did
it already come out in September? Okay. I
must have seen an old reel
that came up or an old TikTok because
she was talking about preorders. And I was
like, oh, okay. I I had thought her
book was out and then I saw that.
It must have been an old one.
So I'll double check it, but I don't
think it's available at the library.
So
but there are I have a list of
books I want to get that I that
are not at the library.
So those will be probably supplemental,
later.
But
so anyway yeah. I'm
finally
finished through that book I didn't like, and
now I think I'll go a lot faster
through this. Through the rest. Because the rest
in looking through them, like, oh, yeah. These
are books I I really wanna read. You
know?
So
anyway
yeah. I mean, I don't really have much
that's not just boring old work, but, like,
actual boring part of what of our work,
not, like,
fun great times that, you know, I think
are boring, but y'all would be like, no.
I actually think it's passing. No. It's actually
boring.
So, I've I've been making, like,
doing,
price,
estimates cost estimates for a project I wanna
do.
And then I'm trying to figure out sales
numbers, and I've gotta pull a report about
see, it's it's boring. Somebody out there would
be like, oh, that's totally my jam, but
it's it's not enough of y'all for me
to go into it. Tay Tayeshew said it
right. Unfortunately, our library system is in a
state which is one step below book burning.
Yep. Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. For
sure. Yep. Sad but true. Nah. And it's
just getting worse here in Florida.
Florida just for anybody who keeps up with
news to any US news to any extent,
Florida just
passed the Florida version of the SAFE Act
Yeah. Which the federal government congress has been
trying to pass and failing, thankfully
Mhmm. For a while. Don't worry. Florida's got
us fucking covered. Yeah. It's already lawsuits already
been brought Yeah. For it. So whatever. But
yeah. Yeah. Bay basically, the way it's written,
it would it eliminates online registration for voting.
Just makes it harder harder to vote. And
it pretty much eliminates,
mailing. It air quote fixes a problem that
doesn't exist. That doesn't exist. Yeah.
Out of all of the voter registered voters
in Florida, and there are millions,
current and previous,
out of all those millions
of people
Mhmm. We have a total of a 198
who have ever
read who have ever registered and they were
not allowed to register. That's not a fucking
problem.
Anyway, I'm not gonna get into it because
I don't want blood pressure to go out.
Yep. So And and the way I understand
it right now with with the state, they
only,
can really control,
the college
libraries.
Yeah. Aren't libraries
locally?
Our city council can control control
them. Silences. I feel like there's multiple libraries
that are all go right ahead. It's free.
Aren't there a bunch of states that let
you sign up for membership no matter where
you are?
In Florida and in the bigger ones that
I looked that were out of state, you
have to pay a fee. Yeah. An annual
fee. Now I was because I did look
that up. Could I register at other libraries
for free? Now in in within the state
of Florida,
we have say, we have a,
library card here where we live. Mhmm.
Supposedly all the libraries
in Florida
talk to one another.
Yes. You can do interlibrary loan. Mhmm. And
technically,
with my library card, I could physically walk
into any county's library in Florida and get
a physical library card. Correct. But I could
not, I checked, check out their, ebooks.
It's only for physical books in the physical
library. Yeah.
I I mean, I I promise you I
looked. I haven't done it in a long
time, but when I when I lived down
on the,
you know, Tampa Bay area, I used to
go to library
a lot
and could request books from other
libraries, and they would send them and, you
know, it And for physical books, that's much
easier. The licensing on ebooks is much more
complicated,
and it it there's depending on how an
ebook is licensed Mhmm. To a system, and
then it's
done in different ways, and I do not
know the specifics. But in some cases,
it can be very expensive
to,
loan out
too many ebooks. So you get multiple multiple
licenses or whatever. And so from the pay
the fact pages I was reading on all
of the different library systems, I was checking
because I was trying to get to bigger
library systems.
It because it can be so expensive
after time,
they
many of them keep their ebooks
for their residence or state Okay. Local or
state. Not all. I did not read the
FAQ page of every single library system in
The US. But the the ones here in
Florida that I did find that were like,
yes. You don't have to be local, and
you can get a library card here.
And even some of the ones out of
state, yeah, it was
it's limited.
So Okay.
It was frustrating because I tried to do
that work around because I remember
a couple years ago,
information going viral on the the
on Bookstagram
or BookTok because that's where they all get
posted first about how, oh, yeah. Get your
Libby get the Libby app, and then get
all these library cards, and then you get
access to all these books. And I was
like, maybe a few years ago it was
easier, but a lot of libraries have wised
the fuck up. Yeah. And they will let
you do it, but then you have to
pay a fee. And I was like,
it for the money I would save, it's
a good deal, but I didn't have that
$50.
At the time. Yeah.
Yeah. I know. Yeah.
Anyway. Anyhoo.
Mhmm. Are we,
good?
Get on with their Yeah. I still have
to cook dinner. I know. I've already
done a lot of good dishes. So I
know. I appreciate you.
We're gonna go. Yeah. Thank y'all for being
here, especially to the bitter end. Yep. Hopefully,
we'll see you Friday, 8PM eastern,
March 20 for podcast listeners. That's the day
this episode comes out.
So, yeah, we're gonna we're gonna go. Okay.
We'll talk to y'all on Friday. Yep. Okay.
Alright. Bye. Bye.