You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four seventy six. Kayla Lords here with the
one, the only, the I can't tell if
you're tired or grumpy or both, Joan Brownstone.
All of the above.
This is gonna be fun then.
Yeah. I can't wait. Neither can I?
Uh-huh. That grizzled thing we talked about.
Yeah.
This is actually
apropos.
Because I always feel this way when you
get tired and grumpy and snappy and short
with me every time. Every time it makes
me wanna pinch your little head off.
This week, we're talking about feeling disconnected from
your partner
and what the hell to do about it.
Call him grumpy until he blows raspberries into
a microphone. Okay. Check that off the list.
Y'all, we've tried it for you. If it
works for you, great. Bet you didn't have
that on your bingo card. Nope. That was
not on anybody's list of of ways to
reconnect, but here we are. Here we are.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. And, yeah, it's like this every week.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced, I'm just gonna say
every Friday because Mondays have been a little
off for a while, for your geeky pleasure
in education, and show notes are found at
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Okay. Before we get into this week's topic,
I have an announcement. I'm very excited about
this. It's Mhmm. I think in our third
or fourth year of this. I don't ask
me. You know, I'll know. I don't remember
time. Been a hot minute.
Registration is now open for your free, f
r e e, free ticket to the twenty
twenty six Dom Sub Dynamics virtual summit hosted
by Alessandra of Dom Sub Living.
It is March 23 to the twenty sixth.
There's 20 speakers, 20 sessions,
on all different facets of kink life.
Going off the top of my head, Evie
has a session on creating an actual genuine,
like, protocol for anybody who's like, what the
hell is a protocol and how do I
get one? That would be a session to
attend.
Ra Ra's got one,
on when your scene goes sideways
because it will eventually. If it hasn't happened
yet, your time is coming. Murphy will catch
up to you. Andrew Gurza will be speaking,
and it looks like it's, like, two
both sides of the slash,
for dom sub, but
about, kink and disability.
So for the folks who are like, I
need to know more about that, our session
is on dealing with conflict,
something we're very familiar with.
The link is in the places,
and it truly is free. If you get
the if you register for free, you will
have twenty four hours,
for each session to watch them so you
don't have to watch them right as they
kind of go live for the first time.
There will be an upgrade option to pay
for a VIP pass which gives you longer
access to the sessions and other goodies.
If you've got the budget for that, I
love that for you because there's, I think,
some really good fucking shit in it because
one of them is something we contributed.
But if you don't have the budget and
you're like, free 99 is all I got,
I feel you. I feel you. We were
specifically told to design these sessions where you
could watch it and walk away with something
you could do. Something you could try. Something
that you maybe didn't know before
so
you don't have to spend money to get
value. Okay?
Just want you to know that. So link
below, dom sub dynamics virtual summit. If you
are on our email list, you're gonna hear
about it a lot.
So we will,
keep talking about it while registration is open.
Hope
that you can and will and will go
watch and learn something new.
I only gave a little, like, taste
of what the sessions are. Use the link
just to go see what different sessions there
are.
So
yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Do that. I'm very excited.
Give you a little inside baseball. The max
amount of time a session, because they're prerecorded,
is supposed to be is thirty minutes. And
it has been my goal since we started
this to maybe get to, like, twenty minutes.
No. Every time we record an hour of
content that then I have to edit down
to thirty minutes. And when did the video
editing software that I was trying to use
for many years stop working
while I was editing that video?
But I got it working and
we hit the mark thirty minutes.
So
click the link. Go look around. If you,
would like to attend, go ahead and register.
It is free.
Okay.
That is my announcement.
Yay.
So
this week's topic
came to me
literally as I was
sort of kind of about to drift off
last night. Mhmm. Because I was like, what
can we talk about? Like, you and I
have been in a fairly decent place
individually
Mhmm. And together. And oftentimes, when topics come
up, it's because that's what the hell we're
dealing with.
And then I started thinking about feeling connected
and feeling disconnected. And I went, oh, surely
we've done that episode before. And then I
went searching
and could not find anything
specific. So if we've done it, it's so
deep in the archives, even I can't find
it. Mhmm. 476
episodes later, that is possible. But
it's time. We have talked about over the
years, many times feeling disconnected,
reconnecting. We did that just a couple weeks
ago when we were answering, like,
random, silly, ridiculous questions as a a method
of reconnection.
So let's talk about that feeling because,
you probably have done nothing wrong in your
relationship. If it happens, I think it's like
like conflict. It's inevitable.
That disconnected thing is gonna happen. So let's
talk about some reasons that it happens.
These, of course, will not be every reason.
We can't possibly we it's impossible to do
that. But these are things that
we are,
we have plenty of experience with. Mhmm. And
then we'll talk about the reconnection because that's
the disconnection is not necessarily the end of
the world. It's not necessarily
the worst thing that can happen.
But if you don't reconnect, once you kind
of realize that something that maybe is a
little off,
that's gonna be detrimental. That's not, that does
not make for a happy, healthy, balanced relationship.
So that's what we're going to talk about.
So I made a list of the reasons
I could think of, and I'm sure if
you think of others, we will add to
this. Here's some reasons you might get disconnected
from your partner
You don't have when you don't make time
for one another.
You get lost in your own little world.
Mhmm. And sometimes this is benign stuff. I
I know this has happened to us because
I still remember the one time you mentioned
it to me, and now I am conscientious
of it.
So we live in a digital age.
We've got smartphones.
Many of us are doom scrolling.
There was a time, I think it was,
like, peak
stressful
times, where every time we got in the
car,
it was, like, the only ten minutes I
had to, like, just me, myself, and I,
even though I was in a car with
my family who loves me, and I would
immediately go on my phone
every time. And JB finally had to go
and it's fine when it's, like, a car
full of people. But when it was just
the two of us and we were trying
to go off and, like, be together, he
had to go,
hey.
You're spending an awful lot of time on
your phone,
and I'm feeling a little neglected over here.
I'm glad he said something. That's the one
of the first things to deal with disconnection
is communication.
But it's as it can be as benign
as that where you're just like, oh god.
I'm I finally got a few minutes. Let
me but you've your other your partner's sitting
over there going, hello. I'd like to have
a conversation with you. But it does go
the other way. JB with his hearing aids,
when he's listening to something on his phone,
it's in his head. It's in my head,
so she doesn't know that I'm actually watching
or listening to something. And he's has this
amazing ability to focus unmedicated.
What the fuck's that about? And so he's
like, I am listening to something,
something and I could just do that. And
I'm over here going, Hey. Hey.
And if we don't talk about it or
if I'm in a grumpy mood, that can
be the small little point of disconnect, especially
if air quote feels like
sometimes it really is happening all the time
and sometimes it just feels like it, but
it's not. If it feels like it's happening
over and over again. Mhmm. Other times,
work. I I know I've done this in
the past, and I still kinda do it.
I'll work twelve, fourteen hour days sometimes
because it needs to happen because I don't
know what else to do with myself because
I'm stressed. And all I know what to
do when I'm stressed is to keep fucking
going.
And one of you is working
really hard and the other one's like, but
I thought we were gonna watch that show
on Netflix. We've been talking about it, and
I was sitting here on the couch waiting
on you. And it's not a one time
thing.
It's a it's when it happens
repeatedly,
consistently, not even constantly,
just often enough, long enough
with no talking about, hey, can we can
we make more time for one another? You
know, I'm feeling disconnected. I'm I don't feel
quite as connected as usual.
That's that's, I think, extremely common because people
have very busy lives and this entire world
is stressful. And so just pick a corner
of the world that stresses you the fuck
out, and it's easy to sort of neglect
other things in a
in a if I focus on this thing,
maybe something else won't feel so bad or
maybe I won't be so worried about something
or maybe all I can focus on is
the thing I'm worried about. And I'm forgetting
that I've got a partner. I've got this.
I've got that. Right?
So,
can you think of any other example of
that? Say for me, you know, I can
get in my own head when it comes
to work or Yes. You can.
Kinda almost anything really.
Yes. Yes.
And you and I have
y'all would think this wouldn't happen because we
work together, live together, are together twenty four
seven.
But we can be
working on our own things and go sometimes
days without bringing it back to center of,
like, what are you working on? Do you
need my help? What's happening here? What's going
on there?
And it's fine, everyone. So it's fine. I
could take a few days of us being
really busy, but if we don't make a
point But when I have to we come
back together. Often. Right. That's when it becomes
a problem.
I noticed when I'm feeling disconnected, I get
very cranky.
Yes. What what do you what do you
think you do when you're feeling disconnected?
I probably get I get grumpy and quiet.
Yes. Urf. Thank you. Grumpier
and quieter.
Yes.
Yes. So here's another, thing that I put
down on the list of what causes disconnection.
Mhmm. Stress.
Oh, yeah. And y'all know stress comes from
a lot of different angles. Right? It I
don't
what stresses me out might not stress you
out, out, but the stress of whatever,
because what it does is it often you'll
withdraw from your partner or you'll withdraw from
the things that you enjoy doing or
in an effort to kind of self soothe
with your stress, you'll go in a direction
and you sort of block everybody and everything
else out to do this thing, you know.
It might be it might be playing video
games. It might be
it might be doomscrolling.
Not gonna lie, it I can be me
reading a book. And reading a book sounds
so benign,
but if you are doing it
to the detriment of everything around you in
an effort to just pretend the world does
not exist Mhmm. But also stress can make
you snap at people. It can make you
grumpier than you usually are. And so then
you're just biting heads off left, right, and
center, and your baby girl is like, hey.
I'm not gristle over here. Why are you
biting my head off? It makes me feel
unloved. Okay?
That's that works if you happen to have
a baby girl in your life, who's can
clearly communicate,
her needs, but anyway, whatever.
So
stress
has a lot of different ways. It can
cause the disconnect.
JB is very snappy when he's stressed. I
am too, quite frankly. Yeah. Now here's the
thing with power exchange where I find that
one sort of interesting. This will not be
true universally. I know that. But in our
power exchange, the way we've negotiated it and
the way I am as a submissive, I
really like having rules that I can fucking
follow,
as long as I like the rules.
Because the rule is I can't speak
I'm not supposed to speak disrespectfully.
Right?
And so
I modulate my tone and my demeanor
when I'm thinking about it, regardless of how
I'm actually feeling.
And that's probably a good thing. Sometimes
the stress is too great and I can't
do it and I too am snappy.
Here's the thing I've noticed that can
both create a disconnect and create an imbalance
and even sometimes resentment because we've had to
have conversations like this.
Yes. The rule goes both ways about speaking
respectfully to one another, but I'm the only
one who can be put in a fucking
corner. Right? And I'm over here trying to
be a good fucking girl, and so I
don't wanna go in the corner. I don't
like that. Okay?
But what'll happen is JB doesn't think have
to think about it as a dom the
way that I have to think about it
as a submissive. Right? So I could be
eaten up with stress
and will be very cautious with my tone
because I'm that type of person. Not everybody
is like that. JV and I think probably
other doms out there don't really have to
think about that. And so that stress is
there, that tone will come out. Now I've
gotten better at going, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.
Woah. Woah. What's happening?
But
that that little bit of unintentional
imbalance
can
increase the stress.
I know this episode is not about conflict.
Clearly, I have conflict on the brain.
There's a damn thirty minute session coming up.
It can increase the conflict, but all those
things also create disconnect. Disconnect. Mhmm. So
if he's stressed more than I'm stressed or
if he his stress is showing more than
mine is showing and he's snapping at me
what feels like a lot, and I'm over
here working very hard not to snap,
It can become its own separate issue. I
only say that not to make him feel
bad because he's fine. We're fine. It's all
good. But for doms out there to be
mindful of that, of how you're responding
when you are under stress and duress and
what your expectations
of your submissive are. And if
they are not allowed to do a thing
you are doing
under stress,
I want you to be mindful of your
own
behavior at that point. Because now you're adding
to potential disconnect
simply because
basic, like,
rules of decorum are not even between the
two of you, if that makes sense. Yes.
I'm not being overly harsh or Nope. Okay.
Cool. Nope. You're fine.
Here's another one because we've gone through it.
We've gone through it. Yeah. Illness, injury, pain.
Yeah. Chronic or acute. Yeah. And not necessarily
even your own.
There is that. Taking care of somebody. Yep.
Yeah. Every time you get sick,
by the time we're several days into it,
maybe you're on the mend Mhmm. But it's
not quite there. Or maybe you're like, you're
better,
but
it doesn't matter. It's been a week of
whatever.
I'm like, can you please hold my hand?
I love you. I missed you. I know
I slept next to you for a week.
Please hold my hand. I feel very disconnected.
Yeah. Because, you know, when you're sick, when
you're in pain, pain, when there's an injury,
depending on what it is, you are either
going inward to heal. Right? You've got these
meds. You've got a, like, you've got a
cast. You've got a whatever. Or if it's
chronic, you're doing what you have to do
to manage it, right, so you can hopefully
function a little bit. And those kinds of
things are very inward looking for many people
much of the time, which means it's harder
to maintain
a connection because you're like, I'm over here
trying to, like, survive.
That's all I'm doing right now.
And that's nobody's fault. That's nobody's fault. Now
injury, illness, pain, whatever can also be a
stress.
So you've got the fact that you do
not feel good and then the stress about
how whatever that means
in your life. Right? Mhmm. And now you've
compounded.
Yeah. That that compounds because when you're when
you're not feeling well, if you're having pain,
then add on top of that
however many doctors visits.
I know. And tests. And tests. And meds.
Yeah. And waiting. Mhmm. Yeah. We're living a
little bit of that now. And you live
with chronic pain with your back anyway.
Now add to pain with your arthritis in
your hand.
And there's in many cases, there's not a
fucking thing you can do in that situation.
And in some of these situations, you just
can't, you have to get through it. Right.
When the the one of you who is
not the one who's ill injured in pain,
whatever,
to the best of your ability, and I
know we are all imperfect creatures,
keeping your good humor,
maybe not in an annoying way. You know
your partner. Right? Like, there's times I can
be he can be grumpy polar bear because
he don't feel good, and I can be
silly and it'll bring him out. And sometimes
I cannot.
Mhmm. But I understand
after all these years, and it's taken me
a long time to get here, that I
can maintain a connection with him of a
sorts
by just
being there, by realizing it's not personal. I
mean, if he you if you were to
say something that was rude to me, that
would be different. It would get that'll be
the next one on this list. Sorry, folks.
But, you know,
I know for me as the outside looking
in on these Mhmm. There is a feeling
of helplessness of that there's nothing I can
do.
You know? There's nothing I can do to
fix it. You kinda gotta go through it,
and all I can sort of do is
go,
how can I help? What do you need?
If the answer is for you to leave
me alone for a little while, that's a
hard one, but you do have to respect
it.
But I can kinda do some things to
sort of maintain some of the connection
on my end. So there's still a kind
of disconnect once you get through whatever
the the moment is. But it's not like
a it's not one of those where you're
both kind of going, do we even, like,
know each other? Like, when's the last time
we had a conversation?
It doesn't have to feel that way. And
then the next one I last one I
had on my list Mhmm.
Conflict that's not fully resolved.
Mhmm. Like, maybe you you had the argument.
Maybe you talked about it. Maybe you were
like, okay. Here's what we're gonna do going
forward, or here's, you know, here's the solution
to this problem of why there was conflict.
But I and if it's not fully resolved,
maybe there's still some hurt feelings, maybe there's
still some concern of it occurring again, like,
whatever whatever it might be.
Yeah. I'm not gonna be surprised if you're
feeling disconnected. We went through
from the 2020
to 2021 era through
through 2024 into 2025. Right?
We were, like, rolling
conflicts. We were rolling argument. And we would
deal with the moment,
but the
the reason we argue with one another tends
to be stress and it tends to be
financial stress. We're a lot better about it
than we used to be. Prior to that,
it was parenting. We're way better at that
than we used to be.
And if the stressor that's causing the argument
is not going away, it is very hard,
like, conflict to get resolved.
Because you carry your own feelings with that,
you know, whatever it was. I'll I'll use
us as the example
cause it's the only one I got. We'd
argue about money and not, like, one of
us was spending too much or one of
us was being irresponsible. We actually always agreed
on what we wanted the end result to
be. We were usually arguing about how the
hell we were gonna get there.
Yeah. But if that was a situation,
like,
how we were gonna pay this bill or
what we're gonna do about this thing that
demanded money of us that we didn't really
fucking have. Right?
That issue might come up again every fucking
month, which meant that potential
conflict was coming up
every month.
And until we could
both resolve the issue so we could get
through it and resolve the conflict between us
so that we could remember we actually liked
one another,
and it was not
him against me, it was us against the
problem Right. That would be a little unresolved.
And it was very easy to get disconnected
from one another
in that situation.
Mhmm. Sometimes the conflict's not resolved because you
didn't have the conversation.
You should attend our session during the time
subs. I mean, I'm just saying we did
I did a we did a whole thirty
minutes on this.
But, you know, sometimes it's because you didn't
communicate. You didn't actually resolve it. Sometimes
it's because you said everything. It was okay
and everything wasn't.
And sometimes you did all of that, but
then you forgot to, like, go be nice
to one another
when you were done. Like, okay. We had
this moment, and we were really heated with
one another, and we've talked about it, and
we figured out what the solution is, and
we've got plans for the future and blah
blah blah blah. But did we, like, go
sit together and do something together as people
who love one another? Like, did we did
we have a kink scene? Did we go
on a date? Did you know, whatever. Whatever
it is that you can do as with
a partner. Did you go do that thing
to have the reconnection of, hey. Wait. I
actually like this person, and they like me,
and we're actually happy here.
Here. So
and quite frankly, doing that after you resolve
the conflict, you're everybody nobody's angry anymore. You've
talked through it and you dealt with it
and blah blah blah blah is a great
way to reconnect
in after conflict.
Are there any that you would add to
that list that you can think of?
No. Not really. I think that's
I'm very proud of me then. Yeah.
Good job, bro. Being a fever dream from
o'clock last night. Yeah. I'm gonna interrupt myself
real quick to say, can we turn on
the magic mystery fan that only runs in
the summer in this office? I'm sweltering.
Okay. Give me a moment and I shall
return.
I will, keep things going
while you do that. We did not plan
for that. I think I thought I could
make it.
I could not make it.
So,
I'm gonna add a section that I haven't
put in my notes, but I think it
is important. I probably should have started with
that, but whatever. Whatever.
I'm so excited for this fan to come
on y'all. It's not it's not gonna do
much. It's gonna
spew warm air into a warm room, but
I'll take it. I will take it now.
The the roar that you hear, the gentle
roar, that's the fan.
I have a thought for how to cool
this office down this summer,
but I
if my thought can come to fruition, it
still won't happen while we're streaming slash recordings.
I think it would be too loud. I
think I wanna try to get one of
those portable, like, stand up AC units.
You can just plop in a room to
kinda get it to cool down,
but we shall see.
That's that's my dream.
I've mentioned it to JB, and he was
not convinced. Not because it's not a good
idea, but because he's like,
can we? Alright. We'll see. What dream is
that? To get the stand up
portable AC unit just for this office Mhmm.
And have it blow. Even though I don't
think I we could use it while we
were recording, I have a feeling they're kinda
loud. Unless newer ones are quiet. I know
that's something we'd have to I've never owned
one. Yeah. Okay. I'm going back to my
notes. Now I'm gonna add a section here.
It's telling them, we probably should've started here.
Because it
you know, pretend we know what the hell
we're doing. And that is what disconnect can
feel like.
Because
for some people, I think you know it
when it happens.
And for others, you're like, well, how the
hell do I know if I'm disconnected?
I can only tell
you what it feels like for me. Okay.
Hopefully, JB will tell you what it feels
like for him.
Disconnect for me
is a very unsettled feeling. So I'm very
settled in this relationship. I'm very secure.
I'm very,
like, safe.
I know
my place. I know how JB feels. I
know where we stand together. At all times,
there's never
a doubt. When we are disconnected,
I even though it's not true, and it's
a lie that my lying brain
tells me,
I don't feel secure.
I feel like we haven't talked in ages.
Y'all, we live together, work together, sleep together,
shit together. Like, we do all the things
together.
And even yes. Even I can be like
All together now. Have we had a conversation
in you know? And
it doesn't take much for me to feel
that way. We can go, like, a day
or two outside of our normal
patterns, and I'm like, I'm feeling disconnected. But
longer with stress or illness or this or
that and it's even worse.
So, yeah, disconnect
feels to me very unsettled.
I notice when I'm feeling disconnected from you
that I don't read you as well as
I usually do. Usually, I'm I can I
know what your facial expressions mean? I can
tell when that tone is cranky versus when
you could I'm allowed to tease you. Yeah.
You know, I can I have and this
is probably sounds very woo woo? I'm sorry.
I don't have anything concrete. I have a
sense of
your head space, your Yes. Where you're at
and how I can approach you. And that
and that is something that goes both ways.
Mhmm.
Okay? Because, you know, nine times out of
10, I can
read you and, you know, tell where you're
at and Mhmm. You know, what you're thinking.
But when that disconnect
Mhmm. Comes yeah. No. It's it's that none
of that is there.
Another way disconnect shows up for me is
I feel like I miss you, y'all. We
are literally together all the time. Yes. You
can miss somebody who's in the same room
with you. Like, it is possible and it's
it's a lack of connection. Yeah.
For folks who do not live together, don't
see one another very often, long distance, whatever,
I I think you can some of those
feelings will feel that way because you're just
you don't get to be together a lot.
And so that's a little bit of the
struggle of determining, is this because I miss
them and maybe they're having a very busy
life right now,
or is this we're not
communicating like we usually do. We're not as
close as we usually are.
Some signs could be, but not necessarily because
there's there's extenuating circumstances
and fewer phone calls, text messages. However you
communicate,
less of it Mhmm. With no explanation for
sure, and even with an explanation. Because here's
the thing, you can understand the reason why
you're not in touch with your partner as
much as you would like to be, and
still and and fully understand and
exactly
why they're not talking as much. You're not
doing whatever whatever and still feel the disconnect
as part of the,
hey. Wait. You our routine's messed up or
I don't hear from you as much.
But for folks who may not be certain,
like, is this?
There I think there are patterns you can
see that might be causing the disconnect. Have
you had some conflict that
you're good with, but maybe you're like, man,
maybe my partner's not okay with it.
Are they very stressed and or busy? You
know, do they have
an illness or,
a chronic condition or something that's flaring up?
Right? Like, the more you can know about
a partner's life, even if you all don't
live together, you're not in the same town,
you don't see each other very often, the
more you can kinda go, oh, I think
I know what's happening here.
But even knowing what's happening does not always
change the fact that the disconnect will still
happen. I think when I I know why
it's happening, it feels easier to get to
reconnect. Mhmm. It's when I don't know where
it came from and why that it's It
makes it harder. Right. But I also feel
the disconnect even more
when I don't know what the hell's going
on. I just know that we're
we are, you know, drifting,
parallel to one another
instead of
god. Don't anybody make this episode a drinking
game of how many times I fucking say
connect.
Oh my god. That's called out of all
poisoning.
Oh, any other signs you can think of?
Mm-mm. No.
Some signs that maybe your partner is disconnected
or disconnecting.
When you do talk, it's it's not the
same. Are they shorter with you? Is it
less are they usually somebody who's giving you
all the details and you don't have to
pull information out of them and now they're
not? Now let's be real. That could be
signs of other stuff too. But quite frankly,
a disconnect,
that feeling
that you might get in a relationship with
somebody, regardless of the flavor of the relationship,
can only be repaired and have a reconnect
if the person actually wants that. And if
the disconnect is because they are
doing things that they're not telling you about,
that's a larger problem. We we don't want
to reconnect to those folks. We want to
connect to the ones who want to be
there with us. Okay.
So, you know, if something is abrupt or
if it's been going on a long time
or your efforts, like, when we start talking
about ways to reconnect, your efforts
not nothing's actually happening,
that is probably the sign of something larger
that requires a little bit more investigation. And
going on a silly little date is probably
not gonna fix.
But I did think we should slip in
the what does disconnection
Yeah. Feel like part. So let's talk about
reconnection because that's the most I think that
feeling
is very, very common. It's gonna happen for
a million and one reasons. So many things
I can't even think of why it would
happen.
And the same for how to reconnect
because it's gonna be unique to the people
and your personalities and what works for y'all.
But that is the important part of this
is a power exchange worth
salvaging and you both are like no we
want to be here
we like one another I don't know what's
happening then finding the the different ways
for the different situations.
We have the ones I listed
are,
tip and there's not that many things because
they are broad topics. Mhmm.
Not every moment
of that disconnect is resolved the same exact
way because it depends on the reason for
it. Right. Each Right? Yeah. So the more
things you can think about
and think of that work with your partner,
the more tools you have to pull from
True. When it's time. I will I will
say, if only one of you was ever
trying to make sure you're reconnected. I'm not
sure that's fair. I think that's worth a
conversation.
Sometimes it's just not a skill a partner
has. Like, there are some things they do
really well that you don't and this is
a thing you do really well. But I
also think it can be
a recipe for potential resentment because if you
are always the one working on this, always
the one bringing your partner back, always going,
hey, something's a little off. Hey. Can we
work on it? And that that's not being
reciprocated
in some way that
works for you.
That's worth a conversation.
But, you know, JB is
he's a man of few words we know.
He
is subtle in the stuff he does. Not
me. Not me. You can see me coming
in the dark. Okay?
It's a subtle fucking thing about me.
So I didn't always recognize
the times when he was trying to reconnect
until I learned about one of the things
we're gonna talk about, and then went, oh.
And now I see it a lot now.
So you also have to understand how your
partner,
I'm gonna say air quotes, speaks to you
that that what they do to to
get back to you and to find the
center with the two of you in your
relationship. Yeah. So there's that as well. Okay.
Well, I mean, I know I know for
me, I've gotten to a point
now when a lot of times when there's
that disconnect,
I will come up to you and I
will
say,
are you okay?
I know. And you wanna know what? You
wanna know what? That's a great thing to
do. It's it's the very first thing. Communicate,
which I know is the boring answer, but
here we go.
And here's I'll tell you for me, everybody's
gonna be different about this. That is a
perfect thing for you to do. I do
the same thing to you. Mhmm.
But we're all a little weird. Right? We're
all wired differently. That's true.
If I am caught
in the not right moment and right not
being
an an a wrong moment, not making a
bad moment, but just, like,
my mind wasn't there. Yeah. I don't even
know always know how to answer that.
Sometimes I'm like,
I I wasn't even thinking about this. What?
I have to try and figure out. Now
the magic thing is to go,
can I get back to you on that?
Like, I'll can we talk about this later?
Because what I'm gonna do if I'm not
prepared
or wasn't thinking about it, it wasn't top
of mind,
my answer is always gonna be,
I don't I don't know. I'm I'm sure
I'm fine, which is not always the real
answer. Right.
And then and then sometimes,
I don't say a word,
and
I'll just wait for the opportunity
to present itself, and I'll walk up and
give you a hug. Yeah. I'm hugging. You
do a lot more of that. The other
ones I've I've noticed is you'll,
touch my butt more. Mhmm.
You'll touch the small of my back.
I don't know why I love that. I
just fucking love that.
Which is funny because, if anybody remembers from
a million years ago, our love languages episodes,
I'm not a touch person. Like, I'm usually,
like, I got a bubble, three feet of
personal space.
But knowing how you feel about touch has
made me more mindful over the years.
Now these little things we're talking about
are not
specifically for reconnection, but they are a way
to maintain connection in,
any relationship, and it's called a bid for
connection.
So that's a concept
that the the Gottmans, we've talked about them
many episodes recently,
came up with they were doing research. They've
done research on
they do they it's married people. And I
have a feeling probably earlier in their career,
everybody it was all heterosexual marriages. I do
not know what mix of marriages they study
now. I have not looked into that. But
over all these decades where they've studied relationships,
long term relationships and marriage specifically,
the thing that they have said that
can,
in the case of marriage, predict divorce,
but in any relationship,
power exchange included, probably predict a breakup if
we're not talking divorce,
it's not the big stuff. It's not how
often you fight. It's not the it's it's
bids for connection and how
often or not often
partners reciprocate.
So a bid for connection
is
anything that gets you to pay attention to
one another. That's what a bid for connection
is. It can be
asking for attention, asking for affirmation, asking for
affection,
any positive connection
that one partner
kind of puts out there to
to their partner and how that partner responds.
Apparent supposedly, the research shows that,
long term
happy
couples, married
couples specifically, but I'm sure this is transferable.
They complete bids for connection, like, 86%
of the time, and couples who end up
breaking up,
33% of the time. Now a bid for
connection can be as small and as subtle
as a smile
that you smile at your partner and they
catch it and they smile back. Yeah. A
wink.
It can be questions like, how was your
day today? Yeah. So you have put the
bit of connection out there and ask that
question,
and your partner
see hears the question and is willing to
respond. Right?
It's just all the little ways the coming
up to give me a hug. It's like
asking,
are everything okay? How are you doing?
Some examples I see online is like, oh,
look out the window. I saw the coolest
bird today. And your partner going, oh, really?
You did?
I have a feeling
relationships of any flavor that have any
way shape or form of success, are successful
now, are new and could become successful. You
are doing these things and you are not
naming them and you don't you're just engaged
with the other person. You're like, I found
this cool rock and you were the person
I wanna show the cool rock to. You
know what I mean? I think in kink,
we have a layer that
non kink couples won't have where the there's
also the, oh, I learned about this new
kink thing today. Or, oh, I thought about
this scene I'd like to try. What do
you you know? Right? So, like, we we
get to add
a flavor
that's more than just how was your day
at work or what did you do today
or,
you know, hey. I remember that you said
you were feeling sick. How are you you
know,
these kinds of things.
A couple of the, examples I put on
my notes was a smack on the ass,
a consensual,
pleasurable
smack on the ass,
asking your opinion on something. What do you
think of? Or
I heard about this thing.
What do you what do you know about
it? What do you think? Have you know?
That's all bits of metal. I'm just reaching,
giving a hair pull.
That do it. Let's see. I'm about to
cut the the hair, and I won't maybe
have a ponytail. It makes me a little
sad now.
So it yeah. It's when one partner
in an overt way or a very subtle
way kind of reaches out metaphorically,
sometimes physically,
to your partner,
and your partner
sees it and responds. Does it require big
responses?
Could be small things. It could be a
shared smile across the room. Right?
In order to try to stay connected,
you want these to just be happening.
Mhmm. And it's, you know, it should not
add pressure to anybody. If you are not
asking your partner, how was your day? How
do you feel?
Or, hey. I learned it. I saw, learned,
read about, heard about a cool thing I
wanna share with you. Right? If you're not
already doing that,
I mean, I got questions
for the relationship. Right? Maybe it's more it's
a more casual one. Maybe, you know, whatever.
But
it goes back to
in power exchange,
I really think
you need to genuinely like the other person
as a friend before we're real worried about
if they're gonna be your dom or sub
because what the fuck is there to talk
about outside of that if you don't actually
like each other? But whatever. Whatever.
Different strokes folks.
Okay?
So I think
many of us are
doing these things naturally. You're just,
you know, thinking of your partner, sharing bits
of your life with your partner. I think
that's, like, that's like healthy
relationship stuff.
Sure. If you need a sign that there's
a disconnect, it's when you're like throwing
the bid out there and it's not being
caught.
It's bouncing off a brick wall.
I can tell
when something's up because
I'll be doing stuff like I'd now that
I know the name for it, I'm very
aware
of it.
And I think about it more intentionally.
I'll give you an example of that if
I can remember it in a second. But
I can tell when JB's head is somewhere
else, when he is not
in the room with me, even when he's
physically in the room with me, because I
could try to talk to him
and I don't get a response.
And that's not a,
oh, like we talked about earlier, he's listening
to something on his phone and I I
don't know that because the hearing aids are
inside his head.
Right? It's his mind is on other things.
And if I'm not, like,
waving like a mad woman in front of
him, I don't have his attention.
If that happens too
many times in a row, and it can
happen. He can get, like, off in his
own world, and I'm not doing the right
thing to get his attention. Enough times in
a row of that that bid for attention,
like, hitting a brick wall,
it Even though I know what's happening logically,
my feelings will be hurt. Well, now once
feelings are hurt, it's easy to walk away.
And
a little bit of the disconnect
has begun at that point. Now I've gotten
better because I know that I am safe
to do this. I'm very secure
in
my, you know, submission and in this relationship,
if I feel it and I recognize what
I'm feeling,
I'm real quick to go, hey.
This is what happened. It wasn't your fault,
but I didn't like it. And here's how
I feel now. And
I always sort it out.
The thing that I have realized is a
is important
as a way to not have your partner's
bid for connection
bounce back at them like a tennis ball.
It's when I do. And I once I
realized what needed to be done, I do
it more often.
Put your damn phone down. Okay? Unless it
is a communication device you need to communicate
with your partner, put the damn thing down
when your partner's talking to you.
I'm telling you right now, JB's attitude with
me improved, he doesn't even know, improved dramatically.
When I started,
when he caught my attention to show me
the cool rock he found or to ask
how I was feeling
or to
smile at me or whatever the bid was
when I paused what I was doing on
my phone or I put it face down
and I gave him my attention.
It is very easy, especially in long term
relationships where you're very comfy with one another
to kinda be scrolling,
uh-huh, and keep going. Yeah. Enough of that,
you're now disconnected.
Those bids of connection are not being caught
by the other
person because
the focus isn't on you,
the one with the cool rock. I really
like that rock thing.
Somebody needs me to bring me a cool
rock is what I'm hearing.
And now we're in this 86%
versus 33%,
like, margin. Right? And you gotta be careful
of that. Once I understood
that that needed to happen, quite frankly, here's
what happened. I learned about bids for connection.
I saw often enough that it stuck in
my brain because y'all know at this point
in my life, I need to hear it
many times for it to stick in my
brain. And then JB,
it this happened after, but it was all
kinda connected.
I learned about bids for connection after JB,
not just in the car situation, but a
couple other times went, I don't feel like
you're paying attention to me. And he was
not wrong. I was not paying attention.
And I think I came at it from
a submissive perspective of, oh, I'm not giving
my daddy the,
attention Mhmm. And respect he deserves
through the lens of power change, but just
through the lens of relationships
making it.
Just if they're trying to tell you something,
connect with you, and especially when you know
you don't have a good way of splitting
your focus,
as long as you are you are physically
able to put put the phone down. Now
that is a funny thing in our relationship.
Mhmm. Because I'll be watching it's usually a
YouTube video. I'll be watching a YouTube video
and JB will come talk to me. So
I will pause it, and I will give
him my full attention because that's a respectful
thing to do.
And he'll stop talking and he'll walk away,
and I will start my video again.
And then he will turn around with another
thought. And because I'm I'm conscious of this
now, I will pause my video and I
would give him my full attention.
And he'll talk for, like, thirty, forty five
seconds. And then he will walk away. It's
I'm like, I'm I'm safe. I'll play my
video again. No.
You know what? I forgot. And then there's
By the the first two times, he doesn't
usually clock what's happening. How often I'm having
to pause. By the third to the fourth,
and, yes, there has absolutely been a fifth
fucking time.
Now he's just fucking with me. Now I
just do it to fuck with her. Yeah.
Weirdly, that is a bid for connection because
I could get angry.
I could
I could, like, let myself be very annoyed,
and I do get annoyed.
But I see the humor and I see
him joking, and I,
when it happens, I'm it's never been in
a where I'm not in a position where
I can find it funny. I go ahead
and laugh at the joke too. I give
him a piece of my mind
submissively.
Sure.
But those those moments
become
connective
moments.
Yeah.
Vids for connection are huge. Huge, huge, huge
for staying connected and reconnecting.
I'm just gonna say, Taysh, you called it
the Columbo effect.
Oh, the one more thing? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. You like to do that too. Mhmm.
You go, and one more thing. I'm like
That might be where I got it from.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was.
So we've communicated.
Please communicate about your conflict or stress. Here's
the thing. I said at the top, I
don't think we dived into it. Sometimes the
communication
we tend to do the communication after the
fact, after the problem has occurred. And of
course, we should. Of course. Of course. Of
course.
But to
minimize a disconnect
to the best of our abilities, it's gonna
happen.
If there's a thing coming up in your
life that's gonna keep you busy or there's
a thing going on that stresses you out
or maybe you know
how your body is and you know what
flare ups are and they the more
depending on the relationship and the state of
the relationship and how intimate y'all have become
and and how far along this relationship you
are, the more you can communicate ahead of
time time about what you know
is coming, could come, will definitely at some
point happen, but you don't have a specific
date,
the better. Because
I know for me, and I'm not alone
in this,
a lot of it is feeling
like it something came out of nowhere.
Feeling like I was sort of, you know,
on the back end of something, and I'm
clueless, and I don't know what's going on.
And what folks do, not all, but some
like me,
I know.
You fill in the blank of what you
think is happening or you think of why
something's happening or what it means because you
don't have information.
If you are far enough along in the
relationship where that kind of trust is there,
say something ahead of time. Long distance relationships,
we tell you to do this all the
time. If you know work is gonna kick
your fucking ass and your whole communication schedule
is out the window, you better talk about
it as the moment you can.
The moment you know that the schedule shifted
or the trip is coming up or the
meeting or the event or the whatever it
is. Right?
Because a lot of the time, it won't
I don't think it'll
take away all disconnect, but it it takes
away the uncertainty that comes with it of
what the hell is going on. Right?
So when we say communicate, yeah, after the
fact. Of course. Of course. Of course. What
the hell happened? Why are we disconnected? Do
we need to resolve conflict?
Did I handle stress badly?
But before,
for things that are
outside of your control but that you know
are coming.
You're not supposed to, like, be a mind
reader and know shit's coming, but but stuff
that you can see on the horizon because
this is your life you've been living and
you know what happens in your life. Right?
So communicate,
bids for connection. And then this is the
one I like, and it does work for
us to reconnect. Mhmm. And whatever it will
look like for other people is absolutely about
your personalities and how y'all mesh together in
a relationship,
but get silly and have fun together. That
can be kinky fun. Maybe y'all go seen
and we have done that. He has beat
my ass and I'm like, oh, yeah.
Yep. Yep. I'm mhmm. I know who I
belong to now and I feel very reconnected.
Sometimes it's dumb shit, like those fucking questions,
silly questions we were answering a few weeks
ago. Like and that is part of the
love map thing of how well do you
know your partner, because the better you know
your partner, then the more that you the
more connected you are. It's all it it's
I'm on a board back here. I got
all these red strings coming back, and it
all comes back to connection. Maybe it all
does. I don't know.
But, yeah, we
as soon as we can, once we've both
admitted that there's a disconnect, we're trying to
to make the other person laugh. Yeah. We're
being silly. We're being goofy.
And, yeah, that it might sound weird that
you're gonna be silly
intentionally,
like, with a purpose in mind.
But, you know,
when I'm silly outside of needing to reconnect,
I'm doing it so somebody will laugh even
if that somebody is me. That is being
silly with intention. I don't see what the
difference is, quite frankly.
You do have to know each other's humor
for that. Mhmm. I have a feeling that
one is probably easier for
longer term relationships or where people were really
are really close even if you haven't been
in your power exchange for a long time.
You just know each other. Because you gotta
know each other's humor and what will make
the other person laugh.
We get goofy. We get, like, we get
ridiculous
with it.
JB's cracking jokes. I'm being
very sassy,
respectfully.
There are times she has me laughing so
hard I'm about to cry.
You know, the times I get you laughing
like that,
I don't I don't plan for those moments.
I just kind of
and so here's
something that happens with me sometimes
is I'll do a thing that I am
very well aware that one I would probably
never do publicly. It's not a bad thing.
It's just like a I I was real
relaxed. Or if I did do where somebody
else could see it, I would pretend I
didn't or I would explain it away or
I'd
I'd have a response that is not my
genuine response.
So
what happens
in those situations, it's typically when I have
Zoomies at night and we're trying to go
to sleep. I'll just say or do something
so ridiculous.
And instead of hiding it and instead of
minimizing it and acting like it was nothing,
I just will roll with it.
Mhmm. And I that's not even a conscious
the the rolling with it is a conscious
choice. The knowing it's gonna make you laugh
so hard you're about to pee yourself, I
never think of that. I just
go, well, this will be funny. And I
that's what ends up
happening.
So it's it is and it is not
intentional, if that makes any sense.
Like,
I just
I just go, yeah. Fuck it. It's got
as it's up being the mantra.
Fuck it. Just just roll with it. Now
I know you kind of wish I could
be like that where other people could see
me.
I don't know if there are enough edibles
for me to be like that and be
upright at the same time. Because I can't
tell anybody how what you're like because they
wouldn't believe me. Well, I also
think that if you try to describe it,
you would just sound like the crazy person.
Yeah. Because, I mean,
crazy person. Yeah. Because,
I mean, I
I am off the wall once we get
to Mhmm. I am as the silliest
I am capable of being at that point.
Not always, not often, but
but, man, when it happens She knows she
really got me when if she hears me
snort.
Because you'll snort if I snort. And once
we're both snorting back and forth at one
another,
the silliness, the laughter, if you've got it
in your relationship, I don't it can be
dark fucking humor. It can be humor that
nobody else fucking gets. It can be
shit that would probably get you arrested if
you did it in public.
It doesn't matter. It's whatever works within
the relationship with the people involved. Mhmm.
Because some of the best sleep I get
at night is when the last thing we
do before we roll over to go to
sleep is laugh until we have cried.
And then the next morning, it is easier
to get up. We are so fucking lovey
dovey. It's disgusting. Like, there was a time
when we were just super cute to the
Internet.
We are now crusty, crotchety,
annoyed old people. I don't think we come
across as cute at all.
I'm not mad about that.
That was wait that was being perceived at
too high of a level for different
sides of the Internet to call us cute.
It was just too much.
But in the mornings after those kinds of
evenings, we've gone to sleep like that. Oh,
we are so fucking lovey dovey. Mhmm. Disgustingly
cute. I would make myself gag if I
had to watch it from anybody else. I
mean, what? No. Thank you.
And so
I'm just saying whatever it is that gets
you and your partner rolling
and laughing and having a good time,
lean the fuck into that to the extent
that you can
as you're reconnecting. The more you can do
it naturally and in an authentic way outside
of these moments, easier it is to stay
connected. But we're all human and life's gonna
fucking life. Right? And so you're gonna have
these times when
everything was rolling
good. Like, the power exchange was good and
life was not terrible. And you were just
getting
getting stuff done and making shit happen. And
life was just rock and roll and smooth,
and then
you'll get a bump. You'll get a a
a moment where and it can sometimes just
be a blip. It'll be a moment where
we're annoyed at one another
out of fucking nowhere, usually over something stupid,
and they can be the crack that starts
a disconnect.
The other time is you just get busy.
You just get busy. You're
it's good, and I wanna do an episode
on the importance of
partners having separate interests outside of one another
because it is way too easy to become
way too enmeshed in one another. Ask me
how I know.
But there's a line there between doing things
separately, having outside interests that you then come
back together and talk about and connect over,
right, through bids for connection
versus
you are now on parallel paths and you're
never crossing over. You're never interacting. You're doing
you're in your own head, in your own
world, doing your own thing that you're
there's so much disconnect that can happen there.
Mhmm. So
lines of communication always.
Bids for connection. Throw them out and catch
them when the when your partner throws them
at you. Right? It
it's more meaningful, I think, than you know.
Once I started once I started recognizing it
and could go, oh, that's a bit for
connection.
Or I don't think about when I do
it. I'm just interacting with you and, you
know me, I'm obsessed with you. I wanna
tell you everything.
I don't have any cool rocks. I'm so
sorry.
But
yeah. I lost it. Goddamn it. Goddamn it.
I lost it. I lost it. It was
right there. I'm sure it was a brilliant
fucking thought dude. I lost
it.
I lost it. Hate when that happens. No.
Okay. So I don't think about, oh, I'm
putting out a bid for connection when I
do it to you. Mhmm. Because like I
said, I'm obsessed. I just wanna talk to
you. But I make myself aware and I
think I try to think about it when
I recognize
you doing it to me. Part of it
is because
sure nobody's noticed. I can suck up all
the oxygen in a room. Right?
I got something to say. I got something
to
do. I'm gonna try to be silly and
make somebody laugh. JB is quieter with it.
JB is, like, he can be off in
his own world doing his own thing happily,
just happily. And I'm happy doing my thing,
but that's my person. If it I mean,
if I could get inside him
like a baby kangaroo,
I would.
Less like a, like, alien body snatching situation
only because I don't like body fluids. But
I don't wanna wear him like a skin
suit because then he's not
y'all get it.
He is What? He's like
somebody out there gets what I'm saying. Okay?
It's fine if it's only one person.
He is quieter about that. He doesn't have
to come
throw a bid for connection at me all
the time because I am bombarding
him. Okay?
So I am more aware when he does
it to me. I'm not thinking about it
as, oh, this is a bid for connection
when I do it to him. But when
he does it to me, I'm like, pay
attention. Fucking pay attention.
And I I
can't remember what was going on recently. I
was
not happy. I was stressed. I was something.
And next thing I know, JB is every
time he walks past me, he's touched me
just a little bit in a loving way.
You know? There's the hand here. There's the
hand there. There's the kiss on the forehead.
I'm
a sucker for forehead kisses.
These little things. And
as they're happening, it's I'm not watching
lips when this is a big for connection.
I'm not doing that.
I'm weird, but I'm not that fucking weird.
But after the fact, I'm like, oh, that
was really sweet. Oh, that made me feel
better. Oh, that was a big for connection.
That's why I'm a dork for this shit.
Okay?
So
what I'm telling the whole point of that
tirade
is that if the bids for connection thing
resonates,
pay attention when you see your partner doing
it, when you realize what they've done. Think
about it in those terms because I say
that because when they throw that bit out
at you, your job is to catch it
and respond in some
meaningful way. Meaningful does not mean necessarily big
production. It doesn't mean lots of effort.
It can be just acknowledging
a little bit,
smiling back at them, answering their question to
the extent that you can, like, whatever it
is.
That
that is what I mean.
So
I'm very
hot. Very hot.
In the,
live chat, Freckled Awesomeness is I wish I
could be the person who tells her partner
everything like that. Inner demons and mean brains
stop me. Let me promise you, I did
not enter this relationship
like this. No. This was
years in the making.
Years.
And for some people,
you would need longer to maybe do it
naturally. If you have access to something like
therapy
that can help, I
highly encourage that. But it is it is
years in the making. The way I am
with JV now,
we've known each other since the very end
of 2012. How does math work? Not like,
thirteen and a half years, I think, is
kind of what we're getting close to ish.
Mhmm. Say thirteen years.
The way I am now,
I wouldn't like this even five or six
years ago. Yeah. Like, every year, I get
a little more unhinged
because I feel a little bit safer.
Because what happens is I did the first
small scary thing of said one thing,
and he
accepted it. Right? And he continued to be
who he'd always been. And then at some
other point, I did the next thing that
was scary.
And scary
is subjective, of course. Sometimes it's saying what
you really think. Sometimes it's letting your silly
goofy side
out. JB is the one. We're gonna get
to this when we do the
neurodivergency
series. It is happening. I am working on
it.
JB has lived through me unmasking,
and this man
deserves some hazard pay for that. Because he
watched me
look like I was a completely different person.
Now he sees he probably watches the mask
come right back on the moon. I gotta
leave the damn house. Because I am a
completely different person from that to how I
am at home. But we had hard conversations
where he was like,
what happened? I mean, those are the words.
What happened to you?
You used to be able to fill in
the blank for the thing. And there that
was a whole journey that'll come out when
we do that episode because we will be
doing that episode.
So there were years where
little by little, I let my real self
start to show. And then
now I live a life where it's actually
very uncomfortable to mask, but I definitely do
because the real world, I no. Don't like
her.
But yeah. I mean
so the person he got
was was just
I don't know. Was this a different shade
of the person he's got now? I don't
know. I don't know how to I don't
know what the metaphor is for that, but
so yeah. Different facet.
Something.
Toner ran out of ink. I don't know.
I don't know.
So for those of you who might feel
the way Freckled Awesomeness says, it's it's a
it's a forever and ever thing, and it's
a safety thing.
And it's a you start very small
with things that feel big in the moment,
and you'll look back like, oh, like, probably
the first time I let you hear me
snort when I was laughing was one of
those silly moments that were a little scary.
The serious moments are like when we have
a big hard conversation. Right? Or I I
confess
a thought I was having that I probably
would never have told another partner.
Shit. The first time I I as a
submissive had to tell my daddy dom that
he pissed me off. I didn't say it
like that, but we know what I meant.
That was tough. That was hard. That was
terrifying.
And he handled it as the person he
has always been. And I learned to his
detriment in that moment that it was safe
for me to say, you you done pissed
off. If I only knew. If I only
knew.
So
for anybody else who might feel like Freckle
Dawson missed it, just just know it is
possible.
Mhmm.
It's just not it's not a fast or
necessarily an easy thing. True.
So there we are. Yeah. Do you have
anything else you would add Mhmm. To reconnecting,
disconnect,
reconnect,
bids for connection? How many different ways can
I say connect?
Connect to cut.
I always don't remember how to spell Connecticut.
That is. That is.
That's how I remember how to spell Connecticut.
It's got connect right there.
Anyway.
Two bonus section.
Oh, okay.
So,
are we good? I have no fucking clue.
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week for something else I can.
Potties. Yes. Baby girl. Can we talk to
the crickets? Sure. Okay. I need to sip
some of my Diet Coke.
You're doing a lot of talking. I you
know how I feel about some of these
topics. I know. Especially ones that come to
me at 11:00 at night while I'm falling
asleep. I was just really excited I fucking
remembered it in the morning. I was so
proud of me for remembering it in the
morning. Mhmm. I think the stupid walks from
my stupid mental health that I've been taking
are actually doing their job, which is so
fucking annoying. Why why why do people have
to be right about
what do you mean reading every book that
I can find and obsessively
scrolling Instagram reels is not what makes you
feel better. And
what do you mean?
No. I'm I'm going out walking several days
a week. Mhmm.
I'm back at the gym. Mhmm.
So
Yeah. I've noticed a difference myself even. So
Yeah. I mean, I I,
obsess over you. So I noticed I feel
like I noticed everything.
And to me, you have seemed more tired
recently.
I am.
I think I'm going through a shift.
Like I kinda explained before because there was
a reason I was waking up Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Through the night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No. I I think you're right. I agree
with you on that. And and I think
my body has just become
it had gone on for long enough that
my body is just like, hey. Wake up.
Hey. Wake up. This is what we do.
Yeah. This is what we do. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
So
Yeah.
Our our thing
for our Patreon
behind the scenes podcast is if you sign
up for a Patreon, paid member, $2 a
month, oh, you can get that.
Last year, the focus of those episodes was
on how we were reconnecting in our power
exchange. Mhmm. And this year, that's technically the
focus, but the real focus is what we're
doing
for ourselves as individuals
that will help us be better in our
power change. And JB's been, like,
not always, like because that's what you wanted
to do, but he's doing a lot of
shit, like, checking shit off the list of,
like, okay. This part of my health, this
part of my health, this part of my
health. Yeah. So
and I'm over here, like, I guess I'll
go on a fucking walk.
And, you know, the funny thing is,
her and I, we cannot walk together. No.
We have tried. Anybody who remembers the 5AM
in the middle of the summer
walks. We try. Yep. It is We we
both have such different styles of walking. And
we need different things Yep. To, like, enjoy
the walk. Mhmm.
Yes. And we walk at completely different paces.
Yeah. I think his legs are shorter than
mine, but I promise you, he is gone.
And I'm over here like, oh, shit. I've
had to make up for it all, you
know, all my all my life chasing after
everybody. Goddamn it.
Look. I love that you were our short
king. Okay? I think it's fucking amazing. But
also, yeah. I get that.
Those long legged people,
they just don't care. They're not worried about
anybody keeping up with them. They're gone. They're
gone, man. Them strides and
whew. Eat up the ground. Yep.
Yeah.
So
we we do. We walk separately. Mhmm. We
work out separate. I don't like to be
perceived when I'm doing many things, but those
physical things like that are not don't don't
look at me, don't know that I exist.
I don't like it when JB perceives me
while I'm folding the fucking laundry. And
Yeah.
So yeah. I mean, there are things I
would like to do where I'm not in
a position to do them. I'm hoping that
can change at some point.
But, yeah, it's we're
we're each
so we're individually taking care of our health,
mental, physical, whatever.
As individuals, we are there for one another
when we need to be. So, like, I
go to most of your doctor's appointments. If
I were when I have doctor's appointments,
JB the only JB doesn't go to is
the gynecologist, which he could. I don't give
a fuck. I mean, I I have her
go to my appointments for a reason.
Well, we're both each other's emotional support spouses.
Right. Our blood pressure is better
when the other one's in no room with
us.
Yeah. But but I That's true. You know,
myself sometimes when I'm in a situation like
that, listening to doctor talk, I catch only,
you know, every other phrase, every other sentence.
Especially before your hearing aids. Yeah. And also
you'll forget some of your symptoms. And I'm
so I learned this with the the kids
when I take them to the doctor as
they've gotten older. Like, when they're little, you
as the adult speak for them because they're
too little for that.
But as they get older, doctors start trying
to talk
to the kid to get them to, like,
whatever.
And I,
had to learn at that stage to let
them say as much as they can and
only interfere
when the information is not forthcoming, which was
a lot is a lot for the youngest.
She's gotten a whole hell of a lot
better. Yeah.
But so I'm good at sitting back and
not saying much
in the office when he is there for
a doctor.
And,
because I know I get the vibe from
some of the doctors. They are waiting for
the wife to go, well, his date of
birth is this, and his this is this.
And I do know that information, but he
is capable human being. He can speak for
his fucking self. But then there'll be
this
me with this, like, tone going, oh, and
don't forget this symptom. And that'll be all
I say, and then I come back down.
And they're like, oh, and he goes, oh,
yeah. I'm like, yeah. Then that's when I
catch the doctor's eye. Like, that's why I'm
here. Okay? I'm not here to talk for
him, but
to fill in the blanks. Mhmm.
Yep.
So Yeah.
So, yeah, that's that's
all all of this is happening because it
needs to happen physically. JB needed to go
to the doctor for all of these things.
Yeah. But we
it's very easy, especially
especially in the American health care system where
going to the doctor is fucking expensive, and
it's really hard to get to a doctor
and all of that.
It's not uncommon for so many of us
to kind of put our health on the
back burner because nobody wants to go into
medical debt. Right? Nobody wants to be bankrupt
because went to the fucking hospital.
And
we have
to the extent that we can because money
finances are a real issue. Yeah.
We have
decided together and individually
that
to be able to show up
for our business,
for the kids,
for each other,
to the extent that we can and that
we have access. We have to take care
of our health.
I have a goal of getting my cholesterol
down,
and I would love to get off blood
pressure medicine. It's the smallest fucking pill I
take, though, like, of all the pills I
take. But, like,
that's just
so we we're putting the focus on that,
and then we're thinking of it
not just in terms of we'd like to
be around for a while
because, you know,
I'm still waiting on my super cool rock
for somebody to to give me.
But also because we want to be able
to show up in our power exchange
Excuse me. As well as we can, as
well as we're capable of. Alright.
But it is still very expensive.
It's very expensive to do.
But we're we're doing what we can.
Speaking of that
that and
from last week, we were talking about the
Kinkware Professionals, now granted every state and country
will be different. I'm speaking Mhmm. Terms of
The US because I know how US health
care system works. I went back and it
had been ages since I'd looked for Kinkware
therapists throughout the state of Florida. I looked
I've looked through the whole state now because
TeleMed being what it
is. Of the therapists that popped up, it
was probably
half that didn't take insurance and half that
did.
So
if you're in The US and you have
insurance,
and you're like, I'm sure I can't find
a Kinkaware therapist who will take insurance,
double check
because it's possible.
Yeah.
We actually have, like, a short list that
we get to go through and be like,
what? Could we actually do this?
How go get therapy through our insurance and
then be kink aware? Holy shit. Like, that's
old standard to me. Yeah. That that that's
a
pine sky dream right there. I know.
So
but
yeah.
Oh, and the live chat folks are talking
about who they
make the appointments for Mhmm. Kids or or
partners.
I had to stop making JB's appointments for
him because I was so overwhelmed with all
the life admin. I was like, I love
you so much. Because I used to. I
used to make all his appointments for him,
and I do call billing departments on his
behalf. Yeah. Our family,
like, gen
or PCP primary care physician, that whole office,
they know my voice very well at that
office, both scheduling and billing. Now I just
handle billing,
which thankfully we don't we don't have a
bill with them anymore Right. For now. Well
but I did have to kinda go, I'm
gonna need you to make your own appointment.
You you did because too much going on.
You you did because that,
you know, especially with all the appointments I've
had recently. Yeah. There's just
Yeah. Not enough. And I'm I'm I'm very
happy that's behind me now.
I know.
Talking about kids needing appointments made. Mhmm. The
oldest
has gotten to the point where he makes
his own appointments, but he does not make
the appointments he needs. What I mean is,
this child has dental insurance and vision insurance
now and health insurance.
The only appointment he makes for himself, and
I'm glad he does, is with his psychiatrist
so that his Adderall prescription can be refilled
each month.
But that took that was probably six months
to a year after he moved out, went
to college before he would make that appointment.
And he does still delay it. Like, he
Yeah. He
he does still delay it. Yeah. I think
I I will at least be walking through
the 16 year old making her own doctor's
appointments when she's, like, in her twenties. I
see that coming.
Making her own doctor's appointments when she's, like,
in her twenties. I see that coming. I
might be like, look. You're gonna hold the
phone, and you're gonna, like, dial, and I'll
tell you what to say.
But, you know, we do live in this
world of online portals now, and even I
use those for making appointments when I can.
So
yeah.
Part of
as I was talking about, you know, not
not trying not to speak for the kids
when they're in appointments so they can get
the experience.
The, youngest and I before every new doctor
that she's not comfortable with yet, we don't
know the vibe yet. I always before we
go in, I'm like,
how much do you want me to talk?
Like, do you want me to shut the
hell up? Do you want me to, you
know,
do you want me to follow the lead?
Do you want me to just be prepared?
And we have those conversations now. But as
she's gotten older,
her most recent doctor's appointment, brand new doctor,
and she carried that conversation. It was ice
again, I added the details that were getting
forgotten,
but I just sat back.
So Mhmm.
Confidence building is a beautiful thing. It is.
It is. So
That it is. Freckled Austin is, coming in
live chat. I found I finally found one.
Kinko ware therapist. First appointment next week. Congrats.
I hope they are a fit. I hope
they're amazing for you. That's awesome. And Taysh,
she was talking about chiropractor doesn't take insurance,
and he charges a flat $45 rate. I
don't know what their chiropractor
charges now, but when we were going to
a chiropractor a few years ago,
they just didn't take our insurance.
They do take insurance because they also do
physical therapy, but those visits were $35 a
pop. Yeah. The first one was 35, and
everything after that was 30 or something like
that. Mhmm. And yeah. Yeah. It was it
was relatively
You were going a couple times a week
there for a while. I was going once
a week for a while. Yeah.
The
we don't wanna change our doctor,
but the model of doctor's offices, I'm kind
of I'm really intrigued by, and we're using
it for something else,
is direct
direct primary care, direct something care.
It's where you pay kind of, like, a
membership fee and a monthly amount to your
doctor's office.
It and it doesn't go through insurance, and
you just make your appointment and you don't
pay for the appointment because you've paid the
monthly
membership fee or subscription fee or whatever it's
called. You might have to go have to
pay for labs. You might have to, you
know,
pay if you have to go to another
kind of doctor.
That's amazing because the good ones,
fee's not too freaking crazy.
You get longer
time with your doctor.
The situation we were in with that kind
of direct primary I think it's direct primary
care,
is what it's called.
We had an hour in there with that
doctor. New
patient, a whole new thing. We had a
lot to go over, but that was fucking
amazing. Yeah. The only reason we get thirty
minutes with our primary care is because they
schedule us together back to back, so we
just overlap one another and take our whole
thirty minutes.
So, yeah, if, like, if we didn't have
insurance or if we did not love our
primary care,
I would a 100% look into that,
because the the only hard part is when
you'd, like you're a couple and it's you're
paying for this person, you're paying for that
person, whatever whatever.
But
Yeah. It doesn't mean you don't still need
insurance because for big stuff or specialists,
probably, you know, you would. But
it's it's an intriguing model. Mhmm. It is.
So
But
anyway I I had an understanding too. And
a number of years ago,
I had heard that a lot of,
therapists and and whatnot were leaving these
bigger companies
Mhmm.
Because they felt that they were too, hobbled
by the insurance.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I see a lot
of people online talking about that. Yeah. And
and they've left open up their own Mhmm.
Practice. They don't take insurance. They're a little
you know, but But not all, obviously, but
many offer sliding
sliding fee, sliding scale fee. I can't remember
what the term is. But, basically,
they have their amount, and then you can
be like,
it's possible to get a discount for being
broke.
That's how we were able to get the
youngest into therapy
when we did. We we were oh my
god. Broke is a fucking joke. We
my mom gave me the money for
the youngest, like, first six months of therapy,
and that's how we started. And then by
the time she was in, we've, like,
figured it all out of how we could
do it.
But
yeah.
And that was with a discount. Like, their
normal fee was, like, a 100 and some
odd dollars a session, and the we got
it, like, down to 80.
I don't
know. But
yeah.
So
insurance sucks. Mhmm. You can. Health care when
it's good, it's great. Mhmm. Health care when
it's not, man, that shit
sucks too. Yeah. Yeah. I've gotta I've gotta
find a new dentist office and a a
new gynecologist.
I still haven't done that.
And I need to do it before my
prescriptions start running out. Yeah. It took what?
Two, three years
Anyhoo.
Probably should go. Yeah.
Probably should. I got gotta work on dinner.
Yeah. It's in the crock pot, and I'm
I need to do, like, the last step
for the last hour of cooking. And it's
almost, time for me to feed the fur
babies too.
They have not started crying as if they're
starving yet. So why? Not yet. So that's
that's a plus.
We should go before they start as well.
Yeah.
Okay. Oh, I'm I have say I'm very
grateful for the fan. Yeah. It's not sweltering
in here. No. No.
Okay. I guess we'll go. Mhmm. Thank you
all for being here. Yep. Especially to the
bitter end. Especially for the most random part
of the Yeah. The whole thing.
We
appreciate you. We love our crickets.
We will see y'all next week. Mhmm. Okay.
Bye. Bye.