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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode

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four seventy six. Kayla Lords here with the

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one, the only, the I can't tell if

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you're tired or grumpy or both, Joan Brownstone.

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All of the above.

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This is gonna be fun then.

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Yeah. I can't wait. Neither can I?

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Uh-huh. That grizzled thing we talked about.

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Yeah.

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This is actually

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apropos.

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Because I always feel this way when you

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get tired and grumpy and snappy and short

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with me every time. Every time it makes

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me wanna pinch your little head off.

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This week, we're talking about feeling disconnected from

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your partner

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and what the hell to do about it.

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Call him grumpy until he blows raspberries into

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a microphone. Okay. Check that off the list.

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Y'all, we've tried it for you. If it

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works for you, great. Bet you didn't have

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that on your bingo card. Nope. That was

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not on anybody's list of of ways to

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reconnect, but here we are. Here we are.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this

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is your first time listening, glad to have

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you. And, yeah, it's like this every week.

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If you're back for another week, welcome back.

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Loving BDSM is produced, I'm just gonna say

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every Friday because Mondays have been a little

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off for a while, for your geeky pleasure

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in education, and show notes are found at

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lovingbdsm.net.

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Come back often and feel free to add

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the podcast to your favorite podcast app. And

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if you are listening to us on a

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podcast app that allows you to leave ratings,

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reviews,

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reviews, and you like what you hear. I'm

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not asking for one stars, y'all. I'm asking

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for five if you like what you

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hear. We would love.

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A top, whatever, five, ten. What does your

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app let you do? I'd love to know.

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Ready to review.

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It's how other kinksters will eventually find us.

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You can also follow the show on Fetlife

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at loving BDSM PC. The PC stands for

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podcast. On Instagram and Technically Threads at that

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handle I will forever

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fucking hate. It's loving d s and the

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number one. So at loving d s one.

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On blue sky at lovingbdsm.

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Blah de blah de blah. Or on YouTube

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at youtube.com/lovingbdsm

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where you can watch us live stream the

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podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

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show notes.

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Okay. Before we get into this week's topic,

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I have an announcement. I'm very excited about

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this. It's Mhmm. I think in our third

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or fourth year of this. I don't ask

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me. You know, I'll know. I don't remember

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time. Been a hot minute.

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Registration is now open for your free, f

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r e e, free ticket to the twenty

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twenty six Dom Sub Dynamics virtual summit hosted

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by Alessandra of Dom Sub Living.

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It is March 23 to the twenty sixth.

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There's 20 speakers, 20 sessions,

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on all different facets of kink life.

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Going off the top of my head, Evie

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has a session on creating an actual genuine,

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like, protocol for anybody who's like, what the

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hell is a protocol and how do I

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get one? That would be a session to

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attend.

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Ra Ra's got one,

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on when your scene goes sideways

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because it will eventually. If it hasn't happened

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yet, your time is coming. Murphy will catch

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up to you. Andrew Gurza will be speaking,

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and it looks like it's, like, two

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both sides of the slash,

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for dom sub, but

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about, kink and disability.

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So for the folks who are like, I

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need to know more about that, our session

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is on dealing with conflict,

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something we're very familiar with.

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The link is in the places,

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and it truly is free. If you get

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the if you register for free, you will

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have twenty four hours,

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for each session to watch them so you

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don't have to watch them right as they

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kind of go live for the first time.

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There will be an upgrade option to pay

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for a VIP pass which gives you longer

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access to the sessions and other goodies.

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If you've got the budget for that, I

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love that for you because there's, I think,

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some really good fucking shit in it because

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one of them is something we contributed.

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But if you don't have the budget and

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you're like, free 99 is all I got,

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I feel you. I feel you. We were

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specifically told to design these sessions where you

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could watch it and walk away with something

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you could do. Something you could try. Something

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that you maybe didn't know before

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so

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you don't have to spend money to get

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value. Okay?

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Just want you to know that. So link

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below, dom sub dynamics virtual summit. If you

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are on our email list, you're gonna hear

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about it a lot.

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So we will,

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keep talking about it while registration is open.

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Hope

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that you can and will and will go

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watch and learn something new.

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I only gave a little, like, taste

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of what the sessions are. Use the link

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just to go see what different sessions there

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are.

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So

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yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. Do that. I'm very excited.

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Give you a little inside baseball. The max

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amount of time a session, because they're prerecorded,

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is supposed to be is thirty minutes. And

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it has been my goal since we started

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this to maybe get to, like, twenty minutes.

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No. Every time we record an hour of

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content that then I have to edit down

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to thirty minutes. And when did the video

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editing software that I was trying to use

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for many years stop working

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while I was editing that video?

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But I got it working and

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we hit the mark thirty minutes.

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So

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click the link. Go look around. If you,

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would like to attend, go ahead and register.

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It is free.

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Okay.

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That is my announcement.

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Yay.

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So

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this week's topic

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came to me

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literally as I was

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sort of kind of about to drift off

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last night. Mhmm. Because I was like, what

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can we talk about? Like, you and I

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have been in a fairly decent place

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individually

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Mhmm. And together. And oftentimes, when topics come

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up, it's because that's what the hell we're

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dealing with.

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And then I started thinking about feeling connected

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and feeling disconnected. And I went, oh, surely

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we've done that episode before. And then I

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went searching

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and could not find anything

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specific. So if we've done it, it's so

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deep in the archives, even I can't find

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it. Mhmm. 476

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episodes later, that is possible. But

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it's time. We have talked about over the

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years, many times feeling disconnected,

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reconnecting. We did that just a couple weeks

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ago when we were answering, like,

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random, silly, ridiculous questions as a a method

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of reconnection.

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So let's talk about that feeling because,

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you probably have done nothing wrong in your

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relationship. If it happens, I think it's like

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like conflict. It's inevitable.

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That disconnected thing is gonna happen. So let's

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talk about some reasons that it happens.

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These, of course, will not be every reason.

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We can't possibly we it's impossible to do

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that. But these are things that

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we are,

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we have plenty of experience with. Mhmm. And

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then we'll talk about the reconnection because that's

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the disconnection is not necessarily the end of

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the world. It's not necessarily

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the worst thing that can happen.

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But if you don't reconnect, once you kind

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of realize that something that maybe is a

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little off,

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that's gonna be detrimental. That's not, that does

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not make for a happy, healthy, balanced relationship.

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So that's what we're going to talk about.

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So I made a list of the reasons

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I could think of, and I'm sure if

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you think of others, we will add to

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this. Here's some reasons you might get disconnected

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from your partner

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You don't have when you don't make time

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for one another.

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You get lost in your own little world.

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Mhmm. And sometimes this is benign stuff. I

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I know this has happened to us because

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I still remember the one time you mentioned

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it to me, and now I am conscientious

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of it.

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So we live in a digital age.

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We've got smartphones.

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Many of us are doom scrolling.

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There was a time, I think it was,

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like, peak

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stressful

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times, where every time we got in the

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car,

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it was, like, the only ten minutes I

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had to, like, just me, myself, and I,

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even though I was in a car with

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my family who loves me, and I would

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immediately go on my phone

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every time. And JB finally had to go

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and it's fine when it's, like, a car

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full of people. But when it was just

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the two of us and we were trying

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to go off and, like, be together, he

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had to go,

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hey.

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You're spending an awful lot of time on

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your phone,

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and I'm feeling a little neglected over here.

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I'm glad he said something. That's the one

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of the first things to deal with disconnection

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is communication.

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But it's as it can be as benign

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as that where you're just like, oh god.

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I'm I finally got a few minutes. Let

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me but you've your other your partner's sitting

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over there going, hello. I'd like to have

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a conversation with you. But it does go

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the other way. JB with his hearing aids,

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when he's listening to something on his phone,

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it's in his head. It's in my head,

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so she doesn't know that I'm actually watching

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or listening to something. And he's has this

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amazing ability to focus unmedicated.

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What the fuck's that about? And so he's

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like, I am listening to something,

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something and I could just do that. And

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I'm over here going, Hey. Hey.

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And if we don't talk about it or

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if I'm in a grumpy mood, that can

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be the small little point of disconnect, especially

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if air quote feels like

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sometimes it really is happening all the time

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and sometimes it just feels like it, but

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it's not. If it feels like it's happening

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over and over again. Mhmm. Other times,

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work. I I know I've done this in

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the past, and I still kinda do it.

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I'll work twelve, fourteen hour days sometimes

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because it needs to happen because I don't

267
00:09:56,259 --> 00:09:57,700
know what else to do with myself because

268
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:58,980
I'm stressed. And all I know what to

269
00:09:58,980 --> 00:10:00,980
do when I'm stressed is to keep fucking

270
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:01,480
going.

271
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:03,075
And one of you is working

272
00:10:04,035 --> 00:10:05,968
really hard and the other one's like, but

273
00:10:05,968 --> 00:10:07,394
I thought we were gonna watch that show

274
00:10:07,394 --> 00:10:09,554
on Netflix. We've been talking about it, and

275
00:10:09,554 --> 00:10:11,075
I was sitting here on the couch waiting

276
00:10:11,075 --> 00:10:13,634
on you. And it's not a one time

277
00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:14,134
thing.

278
00:10:14,595 --> 00:10:16,215
It's a it's when it happens

279
00:10:16,915 --> 00:10:17,415
repeatedly,

280
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:20,059
consistently, not even constantly,

281
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,179
just often enough, long enough

282
00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:26,840
with no talking about, hey, can we can

283
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,240
we make more time for one another? You

284
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,720
know, I'm feeling disconnected. I'm I don't feel

285
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,179
quite as connected as usual.

286
00:10:34,695 --> 00:10:37,815
That's that's, I think, extremely common because people

287
00:10:37,815 --> 00:10:40,955
have very busy lives and this entire world

288
00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:43,575
is stressful. And so just pick a corner

289
00:10:43,575 --> 00:10:45,254
of the world that stresses you the fuck

290
00:10:45,254 --> 00:10:47,799
out, and it's easy to sort of neglect

291
00:10:47,799 --> 00:10:49,419
other things in a

292
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,539
in a if I focus on this thing,

293
00:10:53,079 --> 00:10:55,319
maybe something else won't feel so bad or

294
00:10:55,319 --> 00:10:57,319
maybe I won't be so worried about something

295
00:10:57,319 --> 00:10:59,079
or maybe all I can focus on is

296
00:10:59,079 --> 00:11:01,154
the thing I'm worried about. And I'm forgetting

297
00:11:01,154 --> 00:11:02,914
that I've got a partner. I've got this.

298
00:11:02,914 --> 00:11:03,975
I've got that. Right?

299
00:11:04,434 --> 00:11:04,934
So,

300
00:11:06,595 --> 00:11:08,514
can you think of any other example of

301
00:11:08,514 --> 00:11:10,115
that? Say for me, you know, I can

302
00:11:10,115 --> 00:11:11,794
get in my own head when it comes

303
00:11:11,794 --> 00:11:13,580
to work or Yes. You can.

304
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,980
Kinda almost anything really.

305
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,139
Yes. Yes.

306
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,960
And you and I have

307
00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:23,100
y'all would think this wouldn't happen because we

308
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,600
work together, live together, are together twenty four

309
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,100
seven.

310
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,134
But we can be

311
00:11:29,914 --> 00:11:32,654
working on our own things and go sometimes

312
00:11:32,875 --> 00:11:34,955
days without bringing it back to center of,

313
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,394
like, what are you working on? Do you

314
00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:39,034
need my help? What's happening here? What's going

315
00:11:39,034 --> 00:11:39,695
on there?

316
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:42,549
And it's fine, everyone. So it's fine. I

317
00:11:42,549 --> 00:11:43,990
could take a few days of us being

318
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:45,429
really busy, but if we don't make a

319
00:11:45,429 --> 00:11:46,710
point But when I have to we come

320
00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:49,190
back together. Often. Right. That's when it becomes

321
00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:49,769
a problem.

322
00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:52,470
I noticed when I'm feeling disconnected, I get

323
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:53,289
very cranky.

324
00:11:54,065 --> 00:11:56,065
Yes. What what do you what do you

325
00:11:56,065 --> 00:11:57,845
think you do when you're feeling disconnected?

326
00:11:59,664 --> 00:12:02,485
I probably get I get grumpy and quiet.

327
00:12:03,745 --> 00:12:06,245
Yes. Urf. Thank you. Grumpier

328
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:07,445
and quieter.

329
00:12:07,985 --> 00:12:08,485
Yes.

330
00:12:09,889 --> 00:12:12,289
Yes. So here's another, thing that I put

331
00:12:12,289 --> 00:12:14,149
down on the list of what causes disconnection.

332
00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:15,669
Mhmm. Stress.

333
00:12:16,129 --> 00:12:18,129
Oh, yeah. And y'all know stress comes from

334
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:20,049
a lot of different angles. Right? It I

335
00:12:20,049 --> 00:12:20,529
don't

336
00:12:21,009 --> 00:12:22,529
what stresses me out might not stress you

337
00:12:22,529 --> 00:12:25,384
out, out, but the stress of whatever,

338
00:12:26,324 --> 00:12:28,565
because what it does is it often you'll

339
00:12:28,565 --> 00:12:31,204
withdraw from your partner or you'll withdraw from

340
00:12:31,204 --> 00:12:33,704
the things that you enjoy doing or

341
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,684
in an effort to kind of self soothe

342
00:12:35,684 --> 00:12:37,605
with your stress, you'll go in a direction

343
00:12:37,605 --> 00:12:39,580
and you sort of block everybody and everything

344
00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:42,059
else out to do this thing, you know.

345
00:12:42,059 --> 00:12:43,980
It might be it might be playing video

346
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,279
games. It might be

347
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:47,040
it might be doomscrolling.

348
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,820
Not gonna lie, it I can be me

349
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:51,820
reading a book. And reading a book sounds

350
00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:52,960
so benign,

351
00:12:53,544 --> 00:12:55,804
but if you are doing it

352
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,225
to the detriment of everything around you in

353
00:12:59,225 --> 00:13:01,865
an effort to just pretend the world does

354
00:13:01,865 --> 00:13:05,304
not exist Mhmm. But also stress can make

355
00:13:05,304 --> 00:13:07,529
you snap at people. It can make you

356
00:13:07,529 --> 00:13:09,769
grumpier than you usually are. And so then

357
00:13:09,769 --> 00:13:11,769
you're just biting heads off left, right, and

358
00:13:11,769 --> 00:13:13,929
center, and your baby girl is like, hey.

359
00:13:13,929 --> 00:13:16,169
I'm not gristle over here. Why are you

360
00:13:16,169 --> 00:13:18,570
biting my head off? It makes me feel

361
00:13:18,570 --> 00:13:19,789
unloved. Okay?

362
00:13:21,769 --> 00:13:23,214
That's that works if you happen to have

363
00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:24,735
a baby girl in your life, who's can

364
00:13:24,735 --> 00:13:25,714
clearly communicate,

365
00:13:26,095 --> 00:13:27,634
her needs, but anyway, whatever.

366
00:13:30,014 --> 00:13:30,514
So

367
00:13:30,975 --> 00:13:31,475
stress

368
00:13:32,174 --> 00:13:34,014
has a lot of different ways. It can

369
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,075
cause the disconnect.

370
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,480
JB is very snappy when he's stressed. I

371
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,399
am too, quite frankly. Yeah. Now here's the

372
00:13:40,399 --> 00:13:41,920
thing with power exchange where I find that

373
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,080
one sort of interesting. This will not be

374
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,879
true universally. I know that. But in our

375
00:13:46,879 --> 00:13:48,879
power exchange, the way we've negotiated it and

376
00:13:48,879 --> 00:13:50,894
the way I am as a submissive, I

377
00:13:51,054 --> 00:13:52,815
really like having rules that I can fucking

378
00:13:52,815 --> 00:13:53,315
follow,

379
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,394
as long as I like the rules.

380
00:13:56,254 --> 00:13:58,115
Because the rule is I can't speak

381
00:13:58,415 --> 00:14:00,035
I'm not supposed to speak disrespectfully.

382
00:14:00,495 --> 00:14:00,995
Right?

383
00:14:01,615 --> 00:14:02,355
And so

384
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,274
I modulate my tone and my demeanor

385
00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:09,509
when I'm thinking about it, regardless of how

386
00:14:09,509 --> 00:14:10,809
I'm actually feeling.

387
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:14,570
And that's probably a good thing. Sometimes

388
00:14:15,029 --> 00:14:17,190
the stress is too great and I can't

389
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,049
do it and I too am snappy.

390
00:14:20,644 --> 00:14:22,745
Here's the thing I've noticed that can

391
00:14:23,605 --> 00:14:26,345
both create a disconnect and create an imbalance

392
00:14:26,404 --> 00:14:29,045
and even sometimes resentment because we've had to

393
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:30,745
have conversations like this.

394
00:14:31,445 --> 00:14:33,705
Yes. The rule goes both ways about speaking

395
00:14:33,925 --> 00:14:35,559
respectfully to one another, but I'm the only

396
00:14:35,559 --> 00:14:36,600
one who can be put in a fucking

397
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,440
corner. Right? And I'm over here trying to

398
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:39,720
be a good fucking girl, and so I

399
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,159
don't wanna go in the corner. I don't

400
00:14:41,159 --> 00:14:42,299
like that. Okay?

401
00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:45,320
But what'll happen is JB doesn't think have

402
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,919
to think about it as a dom the

403
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,120
way that I have to think about it

404
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,524
as a submissive. Right? So I could be

405
00:14:50,524 --> 00:14:52,144
eaten up with stress

406
00:14:52,924 --> 00:14:55,245
and will be very cautious with my tone

407
00:14:55,245 --> 00:14:56,924
because I'm that type of person. Not everybody

408
00:14:56,924 --> 00:14:59,085
is like that. JV and I think probably

409
00:14:59,085 --> 00:15:00,445
other doms out there don't really have to

410
00:15:00,445 --> 00:15:02,365
think about that. And so that stress is

411
00:15:02,365 --> 00:15:05,009
there, that tone will come out. Now I've

412
00:15:05,009 --> 00:15:07,649
gotten better at going, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.

413
00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:08,789
Woah. Woah. What's happening?

414
00:15:09,970 --> 00:15:10,470
But

415
00:15:11,250 --> 00:15:14,149
that that little bit of unintentional

416
00:15:14,769 --> 00:15:15,269
imbalance

417
00:15:16,209 --> 00:15:16,709
can

418
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,184
increase the stress.

419
00:15:18,644 --> 00:15:20,404
I know this episode is not about conflict.

420
00:15:20,404 --> 00:15:22,264
Clearly, I have conflict on the brain.

421
00:15:23,684 --> 00:15:25,865
There's a damn thirty minute session coming up.

422
00:15:26,485 --> 00:15:28,884
It can increase the conflict, but all those

423
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:32,899
things also create disconnect. Disconnect. Mhmm. So

424
00:15:33,759 --> 00:15:36,720
if he's stressed more than I'm stressed or

425
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,639
if he his stress is showing more than

426
00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:41,379
mine is showing and he's snapping at me

427
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,840
what feels like a lot, and I'm over

428
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,419
here working very hard not to snap,

429
00:15:48,054 --> 00:15:50,695
It can become its own separate issue. I

430
00:15:50,695 --> 00:15:52,214
only say that not to make him feel

431
00:15:52,214 --> 00:15:54,134
bad because he's fine. We're fine. It's all

432
00:15:54,134 --> 00:15:57,174
good. But for doms out there to be

433
00:15:57,174 --> 00:15:59,595
mindful of that, of how you're responding

434
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,860
when you are under stress and duress and

435
00:16:02,860 --> 00:16:03,759
what your expectations

436
00:16:04,139 --> 00:16:06,559
of your submissive are. And if

437
00:16:07,339 --> 00:16:09,100
they are not allowed to do a thing

438
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:10,080
you are doing

439
00:16:10,459 --> 00:16:11,360
under stress,

440
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,820
I want you to be mindful of your

441
00:16:13,820 --> 00:16:14,320
own

442
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:17,764
behavior at that point. Because now you're adding

443
00:16:17,764 --> 00:16:19,384
to potential disconnect

444
00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:20,665
simply because

445
00:16:21,684 --> 00:16:22,665
basic, like,

446
00:16:23,205 --> 00:16:26,004
rules of decorum are not even between the

447
00:16:26,004 --> 00:16:27,680
two of you, if that makes sense. Yes.

448
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,600
I'm not being overly harsh or Nope. Okay.

449
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:30,899
Cool. Nope. You're fine.

450
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,600
Here's another one because we've gone through it.

451
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,580
We've gone through it. Yeah. Illness, injury, pain.

452
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:40,740
Yeah. Chronic or acute. Yeah. And not necessarily

453
00:16:40,879 --> 00:16:41,804
even your own.

454
00:16:42,764 --> 00:16:45,504
There is that. Taking care of somebody. Yep.

455
00:16:45,644 --> 00:16:47,504
Yeah. Every time you get sick,

456
00:16:48,845 --> 00:16:51,325
by the time we're several days into it,

457
00:16:51,325 --> 00:16:53,164
maybe you're on the mend Mhmm. But it's

458
00:16:53,164 --> 00:16:55,164
not quite there. Or maybe you're like, you're

459
00:16:55,164 --> 00:16:55,664
better,

460
00:16:56,125 --> 00:16:56,625
but

461
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,759
it doesn't matter. It's been a week of

462
00:16:58,759 --> 00:16:59,259
whatever.

463
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,480
I'm like, can you please hold my hand?

464
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,320
I love you. I missed you. I know

465
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,680
I slept next to you for a week.

466
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,660
Please hold my hand. I feel very disconnected.

467
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,519
Yeah. Because, you know, when you're sick, when

468
00:17:10,519 --> 00:17:12,974
you're in pain, pain, when there's an injury,

469
00:17:13,755 --> 00:17:15,674
depending on what it is, you are either

470
00:17:15,674 --> 00:17:18,154
going inward to heal. Right? You've got these

471
00:17:18,154 --> 00:17:19,755
meds. You've got a, like, you've got a

472
00:17:19,755 --> 00:17:21,835
cast. You've got a whatever. Or if it's

473
00:17:21,835 --> 00:17:23,515
chronic, you're doing what you have to do

474
00:17:23,515 --> 00:17:25,380
to manage it, right, so you can hopefully

475
00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:27,859
function a little bit. And those kinds of

476
00:17:27,859 --> 00:17:30,920
things are very inward looking for many people

477
00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:33,380
much of the time, which means it's harder

478
00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:34,119
to maintain

479
00:17:34,660 --> 00:17:37,140
a connection because you're like, I'm over here

480
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:38,359
trying to, like, survive.

481
00:17:38,785 --> 00:17:40,164
That's all I'm doing right now.

482
00:17:41,105 --> 00:17:43,684
And that's nobody's fault. That's nobody's fault. Now

483
00:17:43,744 --> 00:17:46,224
injury, illness, pain, whatever can also be a

484
00:17:46,224 --> 00:17:46,724
stress.

485
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,424
So you've got the fact that you do

486
00:17:49,424 --> 00:17:51,825
not feel good and then the stress about

487
00:17:51,825 --> 00:17:53,285
how whatever that means

488
00:17:53,630 --> 00:17:56,509
in your life. Right? Mhmm. And now you've

489
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:57,009
compounded.

490
00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:59,549
Yeah. That that compounds because when you're when

491
00:17:59,549 --> 00:18:01,410
you're not feeling well, if you're having pain,

492
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:05,090
then add on top of that

493
00:18:05,644 --> 00:18:07,424
however many doctors visits.

494
00:18:08,125 --> 00:18:11,184
I know. And tests. And tests. And meds.

495
00:18:11,404 --> 00:18:14,764
Yeah. And waiting. Mhmm. Yeah. We're living a

496
00:18:14,764 --> 00:18:16,125
little bit of that now. And you live

497
00:18:16,125 --> 00:18:17,904
with chronic pain with your back anyway.

498
00:18:19,085 --> 00:18:21,670
Now add to pain with your arthritis in

499
00:18:21,670 --> 00:18:22,330
your hand.

500
00:18:24,150 --> 00:18:26,470
And there's in many cases, there's not a

501
00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:28,309
fucking thing you can do in that situation.

502
00:18:28,309 --> 00:18:30,170
And in some of these situations, you just

503
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,730
can't, you have to get through it. Right.

504
00:18:34,789 --> 00:18:36,924
When the the one of you who is

505
00:18:36,924 --> 00:18:39,565
not the one who's ill injured in pain,

506
00:18:39,565 --> 00:18:40,065
whatever,

507
00:18:42,444 --> 00:18:44,924
to the best of your ability, and I

508
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,024
know we are all imperfect creatures,

509
00:18:48,259 --> 00:18:49,640
keeping your good humor,

510
00:18:50,019 --> 00:18:51,700
maybe not in an annoying way. You know

511
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:53,619
your partner. Right? Like, there's times I can

512
00:18:53,619 --> 00:18:55,460
be he can be grumpy polar bear because

513
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:56,500
he don't feel good, and I can be

514
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,360
silly and it'll bring him out. And sometimes

515
00:18:58,420 --> 00:18:59,160
I cannot.

516
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:01,480
Mhmm. But I understand

517
00:19:01,924 --> 00:19:03,444
after all these years, and it's taken me

518
00:19:03,444 --> 00:19:05,605
a long time to get here, that I

519
00:19:05,605 --> 00:19:08,325
can maintain a connection with him of a

520
00:19:08,325 --> 00:19:08,825
sorts

521
00:19:09,444 --> 00:19:10,184
by just

522
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:13,765
being there, by realizing it's not personal. I

523
00:19:13,765 --> 00:19:14,849
mean, if he you if you were to

524
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,930
say something that was rude to me, that

525
00:19:16,930 --> 00:19:18,490
would be different. It would get that'll be

526
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,309
the next one on this list. Sorry, folks.

527
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:22,390
But, you know,

528
00:19:22,769 --> 00:19:25,250
I know for me as the outside looking

529
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:27,329
in on these Mhmm. There is a feeling

530
00:19:27,329 --> 00:19:29,525
of helplessness of that there's nothing I can

531
00:19:29,525 --> 00:19:30,025
do.

532
00:19:30,565 --> 00:19:32,164
You know? There's nothing I can do to

533
00:19:32,164 --> 00:19:33,765
fix it. You kinda gotta go through it,

534
00:19:33,765 --> 00:19:35,045
and all I can sort of do is

535
00:19:35,045 --> 00:19:35,545
go,

536
00:19:36,005 --> 00:19:38,345
how can I help? What do you need?

537
00:19:38,964 --> 00:19:41,365
If the answer is for you to leave

538
00:19:41,365 --> 00:19:43,240
me alone for a little while, that's a

539
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:44,599
hard one, but you do have to respect

540
00:19:44,599 --> 00:19:45,099
it.

541
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,720
But I can kinda do some things to

542
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,819
sort of maintain some of the connection

543
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,599
on my end. So there's still a kind

544
00:19:52,599 --> 00:19:55,579
of disconnect once you get through whatever

545
00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:58,315
the the moment is. But it's not like

546
00:19:58,315 --> 00:19:59,994
a it's not one of those where you're

547
00:19:59,994 --> 00:20:02,335
both kind of going, do we even, like,

548
00:20:03,115 --> 00:20:04,634
know each other? Like, when's the last time

549
00:20:04,634 --> 00:20:05,535
we had a conversation?

550
00:20:06,474 --> 00:20:08,315
It doesn't have to feel that way. And

551
00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:09,515
then the next one I last one I

552
00:20:09,515 --> 00:20:10,815
had on my list Mhmm.

553
00:20:11,519 --> 00:20:13,140
Conflict that's not fully resolved.

554
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,000
Mhmm. Like, maybe you you had the argument.

555
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,680
Maybe you talked about it. Maybe you were

556
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,759
like, okay. Here's what we're gonna do going

557
00:20:19,759 --> 00:20:22,640
forward, or here's, you know, here's the solution

558
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,580
to this problem of why there was conflict.

559
00:20:25,519 --> 00:20:28,455
But I and if it's not fully resolved,

560
00:20:28,455 --> 00:20:30,455
maybe there's still some hurt feelings, maybe there's

561
00:20:30,455 --> 00:20:32,934
still some concern of it occurring again, like,

562
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:34,795
whatever whatever it might be.

563
00:20:35,575 --> 00:20:37,494
Yeah. I'm not gonna be surprised if you're

564
00:20:37,494 --> 00:20:39,355
feeling disconnected. We went through

565
00:20:40,055 --> 00:20:41,674
from the 2020

566
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:43,609
to 2021 era through

567
00:20:43,990 --> 00:20:46,570
through 2024 into 2025. Right?

568
00:20:47,349 --> 00:20:48,570
We were, like, rolling

569
00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:51,670
conflicts. We were rolling argument. And we would

570
00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:52,970
deal with the moment,

571
00:20:53,430 --> 00:20:54,134
but the

572
00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:56,615
the reason we argue with one another tends

573
00:20:56,615 --> 00:20:58,375
to be stress and it tends to be

574
00:20:58,375 --> 00:21:00,295
financial stress. We're a lot better about it

575
00:21:00,295 --> 00:21:01,894
than we used to be. Prior to that,

576
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,734
it was parenting. We're way better at that

577
00:21:03,734 --> 00:21:04,714
than we used to be.

578
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:08,570
And if the stressor that's causing the argument

579
00:21:08,570 --> 00:21:10,750
is not going away, it is very hard,

580
00:21:10,890 --> 00:21:12,590
like, conflict to get resolved.

581
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,410
Because you carry your own feelings with that,

582
00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:18,170
you know, whatever it was. I'll I'll use

583
00:21:18,170 --> 00:21:19,125
us as the example

584
00:21:19,765 --> 00:21:20,805
cause it's the only one I got. We'd

585
00:21:20,805 --> 00:21:22,805
argue about money and not, like, one of

586
00:21:22,805 --> 00:21:24,244
us was spending too much or one of

587
00:21:24,244 --> 00:21:26,724
us was being irresponsible. We actually always agreed

588
00:21:26,724 --> 00:21:28,404
on what we wanted the end result to

589
00:21:28,404 --> 00:21:30,164
be. We were usually arguing about how the

590
00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:31,545
hell we were gonna get there.

591
00:21:32,404 --> 00:21:35,190
Yeah. But if that was a situation,

592
00:21:36,210 --> 00:21:36,710
like,

593
00:21:37,090 --> 00:21:38,930
how we were gonna pay this bill or

594
00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:40,690
what we're gonna do about this thing that

595
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:42,369
demanded money of us that we didn't really

596
00:21:42,369 --> 00:21:43,350
fucking have. Right?

597
00:21:44,529 --> 00:21:46,610
That issue might come up again every fucking

598
00:21:46,610 --> 00:21:48,630
month, which meant that potential

599
00:21:48,930 --> 00:21:50,464
conflict was coming up

600
00:21:50,765 --> 00:21:51,585
every month.

601
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,424
And until we could

602
00:21:54,525 --> 00:21:56,924
both resolve the issue so we could get

603
00:21:56,924 --> 00:22:00,125
through it and resolve the conflict between us

604
00:22:00,125 --> 00:22:01,884
so that we could remember we actually liked

605
00:22:01,884 --> 00:22:02,625
one another,

606
00:22:03,804 --> 00:22:04,865
and it was not

607
00:22:05,179 --> 00:22:07,179
him against me, it was us against the

608
00:22:07,179 --> 00:22:09,740
problem Right. That would be a little unresolved.

609
00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:11,599
And it was very easy to get disconnected

610
00:22:11,660 --> 00:22:12,559
from one another

611
00:22:13,339 --> 00:22:14,319
in that situation.

612
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:17,019
Mhmm. Sometimes the conflict's not resolved because you

613
00:22:17,019 --> 00:22:18,160
didn't have the conversation.

614
00:22:19,019 --> 00:22:21,404
You should attend our session during the time

615
00:22:21,404 --> 00:22:22,924
subs. I mean, I'm just saying we did

616
00:22:23,164 --> 00:22:24,445
I did a we did a whole thirty

617
00:22:24,445 --> 00:22:25,345
minutes on this.

618
00:22:27,565 --> 00:22:29,404
But, you know, sometimes it's because you didn't

619
00:22:29,404 --> 00:22:31,664
communicate. You didn't actually resolve it. Sometimes

620
00:22:31,965 --> 00:22:34,144
it's because you said everything. It was okay

621
00:22:34,549 --> 00:22:35,529
and everything wasn't.

622
00:22:36,150 --> 00:22:38,309
And sometimes you did all of that, but

623
00:22:38,309 --> 00:22:39,909
then you forgot to, like, go be nice

624
00:22:39,909 --> 00:22:40,730
to one another

625
00:22:41,029 --> 00:22:43,509
when you were done. Like, okay. We had

626
00:22:43,509 --> 00:22:45,109
this moment, and we were really heated with

627
00:22:45,109 --> 00:22:47,029
one another, and we've talked about it, and

628
00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:48,470
we figured out what the solution is, and

629
00:22:48,470 --> 00:22:50,174
we've got plans for the future and blah

630
00:22:50,174 --> 00:22:52,674
blah blah blah. But did we, like, go

631
00:22:52,894 --> 00:22:56,654
sit together and do something together as people

632
00:22:56,654 --> 00:22:59,375
who love one another? Like, did we did

633
00:22:59,375 --> 00:23:01,054
we have a kink scene? Did we go

634
00:23:01,054 --> 00:23:03,529
on a date? Did you know, whatever. Whatever

635
00:23:03,529 --> 00:23:05,529
it is that you can do as with

636
00:23:05,529 --> 00:23:07,529
a partner. Did you go do that thing

637
00:23:07,529 --> 00:23:10,730
to have the reconnection of, hey. Wait. I

638
00:23:10,730 --> 00:23:12,809
actually like this person, and they like me,

639
00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:14,444
and we're actually happy here.

640
00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:16,125
Here. So

641
00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:20,944
and quite frankly, doing that after you resolve

642
00:23:21,005 --> 00:23:23,565
the conflict, you're everybody nobody's angry anymore. You've

643
00:23:23,565 --> 00:23:24,444
talked through it and you dealt with it

644
00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:25,884
and blah blah blah blah is a great

645
00:23:25,884 --> 00:23:26,704
way to reconnect

646
00:23:27,085 --> 00:23:28,200
in after conflict.

647
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,679
Are there any that you would add to

648
00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:34,859
that list that you can think of?

649
00:23:35,399 --> 00:23:37,099
No. Not really. I think that's

650
00:23:38,519 --> 00:23:40,299
I'm very proud of me then. Yeah.

651
00:23:40,759 --> 00:23:42,555
Good job, bro. Being a fever dream from

652
00:23:42,715 --> 00:23:45,674
o'clock last night. Yeah. I'm gonna interrupt myself

653
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:47,195
real quick to say, can we turn on

654
00:23:47,195 --> 00:23:49,674
the magic mystery fan that only runs in

655
00:23:49,674 --> 00:23:52,255
the summer in this office? I'm sweltering.

656
00:23:52,555 --> 00:23:54,475
Okay. Give me a moment and I shall

657
00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:54,975
return.

658
00:23:55,355 --> 00:23:57,535
I will, keep things going

659
00:23:59,990 --> 00:24:01,829
while you do that. We did not plan

660
00:24:01,829 --> 00:24:03,509
for that. I think I thought I could

661
00:24:03,509 --> 00:24:04,250
make it.

662
00:24:05,029 --> 00:24:06,490
I could not make it.

663
00:24:08,549 --> 00:24:09,049
So,

664
00:24:11,615 --> 00:24:13,134
I'm gonna add a section that I haven't

665
00:24:13,134 --> 00:24:14,575
put in my notes, but I think it

666
00:24:14,575 --> 00:24:17,214
is important. I probably should have started with

667
00:24:17,214 --> 00:24:18,595
that, but whatever. Whatever.

668
00:24:19,134 --> 00:24:20,654
I'm so excited for this fan to come

669
00:24:20,654 --> 00:24:22,414
on y'all. It's not it's not gonna do

670
00:24:22,414 --> 00:24:23,619
much. It's gonna

671
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,720
spew warm air into a warm room, but

672
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,660
I'll take it. I will take it now.

673
00:24:28,799 --> 00:24:31,440
The the roar that you hear, the gentle

674
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,740
roar, that's the fan.

675
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,400
I have a thought for how to cool

676
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,180
this office down this summer,

677
00:24:39,015 --> 00:24:39,755
but I

678
00:24:40,455 --> 00:24:42,615
if my thought can come to fruition, it

679
00:24:42,615 --> 00:24:45,015
still won't happen while we're streaming slash recordings.

680
00:24:45,015 --> 00:24:46,535
I think it would be too loud. I

681
00:24:46,535 --> 00:24:47,974
think I wanna try to get one of

682
00:24:47,974 --> 00:24:50,714
those portable, like, stand up AC units.

683
00:24:52,339 --> 00:24:53,859
You can just plop in a room to

684
00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:55,559
kinda get it to cool down,

685
00:24:57,619 --> 00:24:59,079
but we shall see.

686
00:25:00,099 --> 00:25:01,480
That's that's my dream.

687
00:25:01,940 --> 00:25:03,619
I've mentioned it to JB, and he was

688
00:25:03,619 --> 00:25:05,375
not convinced. Not because it's not a good

689
00:25:05,375 --> 00:25:06,755
idea, but because he's like,

690
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:09,774
can we? Alright. We'll see. What dream is

691
00:25:09,774 --> 00:25:11,554
that? To get the stand up

692
00:25:11,855 --> 00:25:14,014
portable AC unit just for this office Mhmm.

693
00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:15,214
And have it blow. Even though I don't

694
00:25:15,214 --> 00:25:16,494
think I we could use it while we

695
00:25:16,494 --> 00:25:17,940
were recording, I have a feeling they're kinda

696
00:25:18,339 --> 00:25:20,259
loud. Unless newer ones are quiet. I know

697
00:25:20,259 --> 00:25:22,579
that's something we'd have to I've never owned

698
00:25:22,579 --> 00:25:24,339
one. Yeah. Okay. I'm going back to my

699
00:25:24,339 --> 00:25:26,500
notes. Now I'm gonna add a section here.

700
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,919
It's telling them, we probably should've started here.

701
00:25:29,379 --> 00:25:29,940
Because it

702
00:25:31,605 --> 00:25:33,044
you know, pretend we know what the hell

703
00:25:33,044 --> 00:25:35,365
we're doing. And that is what disconnect can

704
00:25:35,365 --> 00:25:36,184
feel like.

705
00:25:37,044 --> 00:25:37,544
Because

706
00:25:38,005 --> 00:25:39,845
for some people, I think you know it

707
00:25:39,845 --> 00:25:40,664
when it happens.

708
00:25:41,044 --> 00:25:42,484
And for others, you're like, well, how the

709
00:25:42,484 --> 00:25:43,944
hell do I know if I'm disconnected?

710
00:25:44,809 --> 00:25:45,869
I can only tell

711
00:25:46,490 --> 00:25:48,089
you what it feels like for me. Okay.

712
00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:49,929
Hopefully, JB will tell you what it feels

713
00:25:49,929 --> 00:25:50,910
like for him.

714
00:25:51,529 --> 00:25:52,910
Disconnect for me

715
00:25:53,929 --> 00:25:56,730
is a very unsettled feeling. So I'm very

716
00:25:56,730 --> 00:25:58,910
settled in this relationship. I'm very secure.

717
00:25:59,355 --> 00:26:00,015
I'm very,

718
00:26:00,394 --> 00:26:01,375
like, safe.

719
00:26:01,755 --> 00:26:02,335
I know

720
00:26:03,115 --> 00:26:05,755
my place. I know how JB feels. I

721
00:26:05,755 --> 00:26:08,394
know where we stand together. At all times,

722
00:26:08,394 --> 00:26:09,295
there's never

723
00:26:09,835 --> 00:26:11,855
a doubt. When we are disconnected,

724
00:26:12,714 --> 00:26:15,269
I even though it's not true, and it's

725
00:26:15,269 --> 00:26:17,130
a lie that my lying brain

726
00:26:17,430 --> 00:26:18,330
tells me,

727
00:26:18,789 --> 00:26:20,490
I don't feel secure.

728
00:26:20,869 --> 00:26:22,809
I feel like we haven't talked in ages.

729
00:26:22,869 --> 00:26:25,609
Y'all, we live together, work together, sleep together,

730
00:26:26,230 --> 00:26:28,490
shit together. Like, we do all the things

731
00:26:28,549 --> 00:26:29,049
together.

732
00:26:30,965 --> 00:26:32,644
And even yes. Even I can be like

733
00:26:32,805 --> 00:26:35,144
All together now. Have we had a conversation

734
00:26:36,005 --> 00:26:37,224
in you know? And

735
00:26:37,765 --> 00:26:39,365
it doesn't take much for me to feel

736
00:26:39,365 --> 00:26:41,045
that way. We can go, like, a day

737
00:26:41,045 --> 00:26:42,744
or two outside of our normal

738
00:26:43,285 --> 00:26:46,230
patterns, and I'm like, I'm feeling disconnected. But

739
00:26:46,230 --> 00:26:49,269
longer with stress or illness or this or

740
00:26:49,269 --> 00:26:50,650
that and it's even worse.

741
00:26:52,789 --> 00:26:54,090
So, yeah, disconnect

742
00:26:56,150 --> 00:26:58,090
feels to me very unsettled.

743
00:26:59,835 --> 00:27:03,115
I notice when I'm feeling disconnected from you

744
00:27:03,115 --> 00:27:05,755
that I don't read you as well as

745
00:27:05,755 --> 00:27:07,914
I usually do. Usually, I'm I can I

746
00:27:07,914 --> 00:27:09,914
know what your facial expressions mean? I can

747
00:27:09,914 --> 00:27:12,474
tell when that tone is cranky versus when

748
00:27:12,474 --> 00:27:14,990
you could I'm allowed to tease you. Yeah.

749
00:27:14,990 --> 00:27:18,029
You know, I can I have and this

750
00:27:18,029 --> 00:27:19,710
is probably sounds very woo woo? I'm sorry.

751
00:27:19,710 --> 00:27:21,789
I don't have anything concrete. I have a

752
00:27:21,789 --> 00:27:22,849
sense of

753
00:27:24,029 --> 00:27:27,285
your head space, your Yes. Where you're at

754
00:27:27,365 --> 00:27:28,884
and how I can approach you. And that

755
00:27:28,884 --> 00:27:30,884
and that is something that goes both ways.

756
00:27:30,884 --> 00:27:31,384
Mhmm.

757
00:27:31,684 --> 00:27:34,085
Okay? Because, you know, nine times out of

758
00:27:34,085 --> 00:27:34,984
10, I can

759
00:27:35,605 --> 00:27:37,445
read you and, you know, tell where you're

760
00:27:37,445 --> 00:27:39,765
at and Mhmm. You know, what you're thinking.

761
00:27:39,765 --> 00:27:41,470
But when that disconnect

762
00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:44,390
Mhmm. Comes yeah. No. It's it's that none

763
00:27:44,390 --> 00:27:45,369
of that is there.

764
00:27:45,910 --> 00:27:47,750
Another way disconnect shows up for me is

765
00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:49,509
I feel like I miss you, y'all. We

766
00:27:49,509 --> 00:27:52,309
are literally together all the time. Yes. You

767
00:27:52,309 --> 00:27:54,150
can miss somebody who's in the same room

768
00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:56,434
with you. Like, it is possible and it's

769
00:27:56,434 --> 00:27:58,375
it's a lack of connection. Yeah.

770
00:28:00,515 --> 00:28:02,995
For folks who do not live together, don't

771
00:28:02,995 --> 00:28:05,335
see one another very often, long distance, whatever,

772
00:28:05,955 --> 00:28:07,769
I I think you can some of those

773
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,170
feelings will feel that way because you're just

774
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:12,350
you don't get to be together a lot.

775
00:28:12,410 --> 00:28:14,009
And so that's a little bit of the

776
00:28:14,009 --> 00:28:16,250
struggle of determining, is this because I miss

777
00:28:16,250 --> 00:28:18,250
them and maybe they're having a very busy

778
00:28:18,250 --> 00:28:19,150
life right now,

779
00:28:20,090 --> 00:28:22,029
or is this we're not

780
00:28:22,394 --> 00:28:24,795
communicating like we usually do. We're not as

781
00:28:24,795 --> 00:28:26,335
close as we usually are.

782
00:28:27,035 --> 00:28:30,555
Some signs could be, but not necessarily because

783
00:28:30,555 --> 00:28:32,575
there's there's extenuating circumstances

784
00:28:33,835 --> 00:28:36,394
and fewer phone calls, text messages. However you

785
00:28:36,394 --> 00:28:36,894
communicate,

786
00:28:37,515 --> 00:28:41,220
less of it Mhmm. With no explanation for

787
00:28:41,220 --> 00:28:43,539
sure, and even with an explanation. Because here's

788
00:28:43,539 --> 00:28:45,380
the thing, you can understand the reason why

789
00:28:45,380 --> 00:28:47,059
you're not in touch with your partner as

790
00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:48,740
much as you would like to be, and

791
00:28:48,740 --> 00:28:50,684
still and and fully understand and

792
00:28:56,605 --> 00:28:57,105
exactly

793
00:28:57,565 --> 00:28:59,485
why they're not talking as much. You're not

794
00:28:59,485 --> 00:29:02,785
doing whatever whatever and still feel the disconnect

795
00:29:03,164 --> 00:29:04,705
as part of the,

796
00:29:05,269 --> 00:29:07,509
hey. Wait. You our routine's messed up or

797
00:29:07,509 --> 00:29:09,129
I don't hear from you as much.

798
00:29:10,629 --> 00:29:12,629
But for folks who may not be certain,

799
00:29:12,629 --> 00:29:14,009
like, is this?

800
00:29:14,470 --> 00:29:16,950
There I think there are patterns you can

801
00:29:16,950 --> 00:29:19,605
see that might be causing the disconnect. Have

802
00:29:19,605 --> 00:29:22,265
you had some conflict that

803
00:29:23,684 --> 00:29:25,765
you're good with, but maybe you're like, man,

804
00:29:25,765 --> 00:29:27,625
maybe my partner's not okay with it.

805
00:29:28,565 --> 00:29:31,684
Are they very stressed and or busy? You

806
00:29:31,684 --> 00:29:32,904
know, do they have

807
00:29:33,230 --> 00:29:34,289
an illness or,

808
00:29:35,230 --> 00:29:37,230
a chronic condition or something that's flaring up?

809
00:29:37,230 --> 00:29:39,309
Right? Like, the more you can know about

810
00:29:39,309 --> 00:29:41,070
a partner's life, even if you all don't

811
00:29:41,070 --> 00:29:42,349
live together, you're not in the same town,

812
00:29:42,349 --> 00:29:43,549
you don't see each other very often, the

813
00:29:43,549 --> 00:29:45,070
more you can kinda go, oh, I think

814
00:29:45,070 --> 00:29:46,690
I know what's happening here.

815
00:29:47,230 --> 00:29:50,345
But even knowing what's happening does not always

816
00:29:50,345 --> 00:29:52,904
change the fact that the disconnect will still

817
00:29:52,904 --> 00:29:55,305
happen. I think when I I know why

818
00:29:55,305 --> 00:29:57,625
it's happening, it feels easier to get to

819
00:29:57,625 --> 00:30:00,184
reconnect. Mhmm. It's when I don't know where

820
00:30:00,184 --> 00:30:02,380
it came from and why that it's It

821
00:30:02,380 --> 00:30:04,380
makes it harder. Right. But I also feel

822
00:30:04,380 --> 00:30:06,160
the disconnect even more

823
00:30:06,539 --> 00:30:07,900
when I don't know what the hell's going

824
00:30:07,900 --> 00:30:09,599
on. I just know that we're

825
00:30:10,140 --> 00:30:12,000
we are, you know, drifting,

826
00:30:13,259 --> 00:30:14,640
parallel to one another

827
00:30:15,099 --> 00:30:15,920
instead of

828
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,305
god. Don't anybody make this episode a drinking

829
00:30:19,305 --> 00:30:20,745
game of how many times I fucking say

830
00:30:20,745 --> 00:30:21,245
connect.

831
00:30:23,625 --> 00:30:25,465
Oh my god. That's called out of all

832
00:30:25,465 --> 00:30:25,965
poisoning.

833
00:30:26,664 --> 00:30:29,099
Oh, any other signs you can think of?

834
00:30:29,639 --> 00:30:30,859
Mm-mm. No.

835
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,539
Some signs that maybe your partner is disconnected

836
00:30:34,759 --> 00:30:35,579
or disconnecting.

837
00:30:36,279 --> 00:30:38,039
When you do talk, it's it's not the

838
00:30:38,039 --> 00:30:40,785
same. Are they shorter with you? Is it

839
00:30:40,785 --> 00:30:42,705
less are they usually somebody who's giving you

840
00:30:42,705 --> 00:30:44,545
all the details and you don't have to

841
00:30:44,545 --> 00:30:46,705
pull information out of them and now they're

842
00:30:46,705 --> 00:30:48,945
not? Now let's be real. That could be

843
00:30:48,945 --> 00:30:51,744
signs of other stuff too. But quite frankly,

844
00:30:51,744 --> 00:30:52,644
a disconnect,

845
00:30:53,105 --> 00:30:54,019
that feeling

846
00:30:54,559 --> 00:30:56,640
that you might get in a relationship with

847
00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:58,900
somebody, regardless of the flavor of the relationship,

848
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:03,380
can only be repaired and have a reconnect

849
00:31:03,599 --> 00:31:05,680
if the person actually wants that. And if

850
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,779
the disconnect is because they are

851
00:31:08,684 --> 00:31:11,105
doing things that they're not telling you about,

852
00:31:11,565 --> 00:31:13,804
that's a larger problem. We we don't want

853
00:31:13,804 --> 00:31:15,804
to reconnect to those folks. We want to

854
00:31:15,804 --> 00:31:17,484
connect to the ones who want to be

855
00:31:17,484 --> 00:31:18,784
there with us. Okay.

856
00:31:19,085 --> 00:31:21,244
So, you know, if something is abrupt or

857
00:31:21,244 --> 00:31:22,605
if it's been going on a long time

858
00:31:22,605 --> 00:31:24,119
or your efforts, like, when we start talking

859
00:31:24,119 --> 00:31:26,220
about ways to reconnect, your efforts

860
00:31:26,599 --> 00:31:28,140
not nothing's actually happening,

861
00:31:29,319 --> 00:31:31,980
that is probably the sign of something larger

862
00:31:32,519 --> 00:31:35,180
that requires a little bit more investigation. And

863
00:31:36,205 --> 00:31:38,125
going on a silly little date is probably

864
00:31:38,125 --> 00:31:39,025
not gonna fix.

865
00:31:40,285 --> 00:31:42,285
But I did think we should slip in

866
00:31:42,285 --> 00:31:43,424
the what does disconnection

867
00:31:44,045 --> 00:31:46,765
Yeah. Feel like part. So let's talk about

868
00:31:46,765 --> 00:31:49,484
reconnection because that's the most I think that

869
00:31:49,484 --> 00:31:49,984
feeling

870
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:52,660
is very, very common. It's gonna happen for

871
00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:54,179
a million and one reasons. So many things

872
00:31:54,179 --> 00:31:55,619
I can't even think of why it would

873
00:31:55,619 --> 00:31:56,119
happen.

874
00:31:57,299 --> 00:31:59,640
And the same for how to reconnect

875
00:32:00,259 --> 00:32:01,940
because it's gonna be unique to the people

876
00:32:01,940 --> 00:32:04,759
and your personalities and what works for y'all.

877
00:32:05,494 --> 00:32:07,735
But that is the important part of this

878
00:32:07,735 --> 00:32:09,515
is a power exchange worth

879
00:32:09,975 --> 00:32:11,894
salvaging and you both are like no we

880
00:32:11,894 --> 00:32:13,275
want to be here

881
00:32:13,815 --> 00:32:15,654
we like one another I don't know what's

882
00:32:15,654 --> 00:32:19,279
happening then finding the the different ways

883
00:32:19,579 --> 00:32:20,880
for the different situations.

884
00:32:21,259 --> 00:32:23,119
We have the ones I listed

885
00:32:23,819 --> 00:32:24,319
are,

886
00:32:25,019 --> 00:32:26,940
tip and there's not that many things because

887
00:32:26,940 --> 00:32:28,880
they are broad topics. Mhmm.

888
00:32:30,460 --> 00:32:32,000
Not every moment

889
00:32:32,380 --> 00:32:35,634
of that disconnect is resolved the same exact

890
00:32:35,634 --> 00:32:38,035
way because it depends on the reason for

891
00:32:38,035 --> 00:32:40,755
it. Right. Each Right? Yeah. So the more

892
00:32:40,755 --> 00:32:42,455
things you can think about

893
00:32:42,914 --> 00:32:44,855
and think of that work with your partner,

894
00:32:45,315 --> 00:32:46,994
the more tools you have to pull from

895
00:32:47,154 --> 00:32:49,315
True. When it's time. I will I will

896
00:32:49,315 --> 00:32:51,660
say, if only one of you was ever

897
00:32:51,660 --> 00:32:53,420
trying to make sure you're reconnected. I'm not

898
00:32:53,420 --> 00:32:55,339
sure that's fair. I think that's worth a

899
00:32:55,339 --> 00:32:55,839
conversation.

900
00:32:56,539 --> 00:32:58,799
Sometimes it's just not a skill a partner

901
00:32:58,859 --> 00:33:00,539
has. Like, there are some things they do

902
00:33:00,539 --> 00:33:02,220
really well that you don't and this is

903
00:33:02,220 --> 00:33:04,674
a thing you do really well. But I

904
00:33:04,674 --> 00:33:06,215
also think it can be

905
00:33:07,795 --> 00:33:10,674
a recipe for potential resentment because if you

906
00:33:10,674 --> 00:33:13,154
are always the one working on this, always

907
00:33:13,154 --> 00:33:15,154
the one bringing your partner back, always going,

908
00:33:15,154 --> 00:33:17,700
hey, something's a little off. Hey. Can we

909
00:33:17,700 --> 00:33:19,460
work on it? And that that's not being

910
00:33:19,460 --> 00:33:19,960
reciprocated

911
00:33:20,259 --> 00:33:21,640
in some way that

912
00:33:22,099 --> 00:33:23,079
works for you.

913
00:33:24,179 --> 00:33:25,319
That's worth a conversation.

914
00:33:25,779 --> 00:33:28,359
But, you know, JB is

915
00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:30,759
he's a man of few words we know.

916
00:33:31,859 --> 00:33:32,359
He

917
00:33:33,244 --> 00:33:34,924
is subtle in the stuff he does. Not

918
00:33:34,924 --> 00:33:36,944
me. Not me. You can see me coming

919
00:33:37,325 --> 00:33:38,544
in the dark. Okay?

920
00:33:39,244 --> 00:33:41,264
It's a subtle fucking thing about me.

921
00:33:41,964 --> 00:33:43,984
So I didn't always recognize

922
00:33:44,444 --> 00:33:46,544
the times when he was trying to reconnect

923
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,000
until I learned about one of the things

924
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:50,759
we're gonna talk about, and then went, oh.

925
00:33:50,759 --> 00:33:52,940
And now I see it a lot now.

926
00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,400
So you also have to understand how your

927
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:55,900
partner,

928
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,000
I'm gonna say air quotes, speaks to you

929
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,660
that that what they do to to

930
00:34:02,144 --> 00:34:04,545
get back to you and to find the

931
00:34:04,545 --> 00:34:06,065
center with the two of you in your

932
00:34:06,065 --> 00:34:08,885
relationship. Yeah. So there's that as well. Okay.

933
00:34:09,664 --> 00:34:11,105
Well, I mean, I know I know for

934
00:34:11,105 --> 00:34:12,724
me, I've gotten to a point

935
00:34:13,105 --> 00:34:15,265
now when a lot of times when there's

936
00:34:15,265 --> 00:34:16,005
that disconnect,

937
00:34:16,465 --> 00:34:17,650
I will come up to you and I

938
00:34:17,650 --> 00:34:18,150
will

939
00:34:18,529 --> 00:34:19,029
say,

940
00:34:19,409 --> 00:34:20,230
are you okay?

941
00:34:20,530 --> 00:34:21,889
I know. And you wanna know what? You

942
00:34:21,889 --> 00:34:23,489
wanna know what? That's a great thing to

943
00:34:23,489 --> 00:34:26,070
do. It's it's the very first thing. Communicate,

944
00:34:26,130 --> 00:34:27,889
which I know is the boring answer, but

945
00:34:27,889 --> 00:34:28,710
here we go.

946
00:34:29,090 --> 00:34:31,170
And here's I'll tell you for me, everybody's

947
00:34:31,170 --> 00:34:32,565
gonna be different about this. That is a

948
00:34:32,565 --> 00:34:34,005
perfect thing for you to do. I do

949
00:34:34,005 --> 00:34:35,464
the same thing to you. Mhmm.

950
00:34:37,445 --> 00:34:39,125
But we're all a little weird. Right? We're

951
00:34:39,125 --> 00:34:40,744
all wired differently. That's true.

952
00:34:41,045 --> 00:34:42,264
If I am caught

953
00:34:43,204 --> 00:34:46,324
in the not right moment and right not

954
00:34:46,324 --> 00:34:46,824
being

955
00:34:47,660 --> 00:34:49,099
an an a wrong moment, not making a

956
00:34:49,099 --> 00:34:50,640
bad moment, but just, like,

957
00:34:50,940 --> 00:34:53,180
my mind wasn't there. Yeah. I don't even

958
00:34:53,180 --> 00:34:54,960
know always know how to answer that.

959
00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:57,440
Sometimes I'm like,

960
00:34:58,059 --> 00:35:00,775
I I wasn't even thinking about this. What?

961
00:35:00,775 --> 00:35:02,614
I have to try and figure out. Now

962
00:35:02,614 --> 00:35:03,974
the magic thing is to go,

963
00:35:04,534 --> 00:35:05,735
can I get back to you on that?

964
00:35:05,735 --> 00:35:07,434
Like, I'll can we talk about this later?

965
00:35:08,054 --> 00:35:10,135
Because what I'm gonna do if I'm not

966
00:35:10,135 --> 00:35:10,635
prepared

967
00:35:11,255 --> 00:35:13,494
or wasn't thinking about it, it wasn't top

968
00:35:13,494 --> 00:35:14,074
of mind,

969
00:35:15,329 --> 00:35:16,869
my answer is always gonna be,

970
00:35:17,329 --> 00:35:19,890
I don't I don't know. I'm I'm sure

971
00:35:19,890 --> 00:35:22,690
I'm fine, which is not always the real

972
00:35:22,690 --> 00:35:23,750
answer. Right.

973
00:35:24,610 --> 00:35:26,070
And then and then sometimes,

974
00:35:26,690 --> 00:35:28,355
I don't say a word,

975
00:35:29,855 --> 00:35:30,355
and

976
00:35:30,655 --> 00:35:32,434
I'll just wait for the opportunity

977
00:35:33,614 --> 00:35:35,534
to present itself, and I'll walk up and

978
00:35:35,534 --> 00:35:37,614
give you a hug. Yeah. I'm hugging. You

979
00:35:37,614 --> 00:35:39,215
do a lot more of that. The other

980
00:35:39,215 --> 00:35:41,235
ones I've I've noticed is you'll,

981
00:35:41,789 --> 00:35:43,489
touch my butt more. Mhmm.

982
00:35:44,190 --> 00:35:45,809
You'll touch the small of my back.

983
00:35:46,110 --> 00:35:47,150
I don't know why I love that. I

984
00:35:47,150 --> 00:35:48,289
just fucking love that.

985
00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:52,030
Which is funny because, if anybody remembers from

986
00:35:52,030 --> 00:35:54,610
a million years ago, our love languages episodes,

987
00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:56,835
I'm not a touch person. Like, I'm usually,

988
00:35:56,835 --> 00:35:59,394
like, I got a bubble, three feet of

989
00:35:59,394 --> 00:36:00,454
personal space.

990
00:36:01,795 --> 00:36:03,554
But knowing how you feel about touch has

991
00:36:03,554 --> 00:36:05,574
made me more mindful over the years.

992
00:36:05,954 --> 00:36:08,054
Now these little things we're talking about

993
00:36:08,514 --> 00:36:09,000
are not

994
00:36:09,639 --> 00:36:11,960
specifically for reconnection, but they are a way

995
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:13,820
to maintain connection in,

996
00:36:14,599 --> 00:36:17,400
any relationship, and it's called a bid for

997
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:17,900
connection.

998
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:19,420
So that's a concept

999
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:22,519
that the the Gottmans, we've talked about them

1000
00:36:22,519 --> 00:36:23,739
many episodes recently,

1001
00:36:24,675 --> 00:36:26,355
came up with they were doing research. They've

1002
00:36:26,355 --> 00:36:27,494
done research on

1003
00:36:27,875 --> 00:36:30,035
they do they it's married people. And I

1004
00:36:30,035 --> 00:36:32,135
have a feeling probably earlier in their career,

1005
00:36:32,675 --> 00:36:34,914
everybody it was all heterosexual marriages. I do

1006
00:36:34,914 --> 00:36:38,289
not know what mix of marriages they study

1007
00:36:38,289 --> 00:36:40,750
now. I have not looked into that. But

1008
00:36:41,690 --> 00:36:44,110
over all these decades where they've studied relationships,

1009
00:36:44,170 --> 00:36:46,429
long term relationships and marriage specifically,

1010
00:36:47,449 --> 00:36:50,030
the thing that they have said that

1011
00:36:50,489 --> 00:36:50,989
can,

1012
00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:53,855
in the case of marriage, predict divorce,

1013
00:36:55,114 --> 00:36:56,335
but in any relationship,

1014
00:36:56,635 --> 00:36:59,515
power exchange included, probably predict a breakup if

1015
00:36:59,515 --> 00:37:00,655
we're not talking divorce,

1016
00:37:01,275 --> 00:37:03,434
it's not the big stuff. It's not how

1017
00:37:03,434 --> 00:37:05,114
often you fight. It's not the it's it's

1018
00:37:05,114 --> 00:37:06,815
bids for connection and how

1019
00:37:07,250 --> 00:37:08,710
often or not often

1020
00:37:09,010 --> 00:37:10,150
partners reciprocate.

1021
00:37:10,609 --> 00:37:12,230
So a bid for connection

1022
00:37:13,170 --> 00:37:13,670
is

1023
00:37:14,369 --> 00:37:16,849
anything that gets you to pay attention to

1024
00:37:16,849 --> 00:37:19,089
one another. That's what a bid for connection

1025
00:37:19,089 --> 00:37:20,230
is. It can be

1026
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:23,445
asking for attention, asking for affirmation, asking for

1027
00:37:23,445 --> 00:37:23,945
affection,

1028
00:37:24,325 --> 00:37:25,864
any positive connection

1029
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:27,785
that one partner

1030
00:37:28,805 --> 00:37:31,144
kind of puts out there to

1031
00:37:31,525 --> 00:37:33,864
to their partner and how that partner responds.

1032
00:37:34,805 --> 00:37:37,079
Apparent supposedly, the research shows that,

1033
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:38,539
long term

1034
00:37:39,559 --> 00:37:40,059
happy

1035
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:41,579
couples, married

1036
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,300
couples specifically, but I'm sure this is transferable.

1037
00:37:46,119 --> 00:37:49,559
They complete bids for connection, like, 86%

1038
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:51,744
of the time, and couples who end up

1039
00:37:51,744 --> 00:37:52,565
breaking up,

1040
00:37:53,025 --> 00:37:55,585
33% of the time. Now a bid for

1041
00:37:55,585 --> 00:37:58,324
connection can be as small and as subtle

1042
00:37:58,385 --> 00:37:59,284
as a smile

1043
00:37:59,585 --> 00:38:01,184
that you smile at your partner and they

1044
00:38:01,184 --> 00:38:02,704
catch it and they smile back. Yeah. A

1045
00:38:02,704 --> 00:38:03,204
wink.

1046
00:38:03,829 --> 00:38:06,789
It can be questions like, how was your

1047
00:38:06,789 --> 00:38:09,190
day today? Yeah. So you have put the

1048
00:38:09,190 --> 00:38:11,190
bit of connection out there and ask that

1049
00:38:11,190 --> 00:38:11,690
question,

1050
00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:12,969
and your partner

1051
00:38:13,510 --> 00:38:16,170
see hears the question and is willing to

1052
00:38:16,265 --> 00:38:17,164
respond. Right?

1053
00:38:18,505 --> 00:38:21,224
It's just all the little ways the coming

1054
00:38:21,224 --> 00:38:22,985
up to give me a hug. It's like

1055
00:38:22,985 --> 00:38:23,485
asking,

1056
00:38:24,025 --> 00:38:26,045
are everything okay? How are you doing?

1057
00:38:27,065 --> 00:38:29,829
Some examples I see online is like, oh,

1058
00:38:29,829 --> 00:38:32,089
look out the window. I saw the coolest

1059
00:38:32,230 --> 00:38:34,789
bird today. And your partner going, oh, really?

1060
00:38:34,789 --> 00:38:35,449
You did?

1061
00:38:37,909 --> 00:38:38,809
I have a feeling

1062
00:38:39,829 --> 00:38:42,889
relationships of any flavor that have any

1063
00:38:44,125 --> 00:38:46,845
way shape or form of success, are successful

1064
00:38:46,845 --> 00:38:49,164
now, are new and could become successful. You

1065
00:38:49,164 --> 00:38:50,525
are doing these things and you are not

1066
00:38:50,525 --> 00:38:52,545
naming them and you don't you're just engaged

1067
00:38:52,765 --> 00:38:54,845
with the other person. You're like, I found

1068
00:38:54,845 --> 00:38:56,589
this cool rock and you were the person

1069
00:38:56,589 --> 00:38:58,190
I wanna show the cool rock to. You

1070
00:38:58,190 --> 00:39:00,769
know what I mean? I think in kink,

1071
00:39:00,829 --> 00:39:02,609
we have a layer that

1072
00:39:03,309 --> 00:39:05,789
non kink couples won't have where the there's

1073
00:39:05,789 --> 00:39:07,469
also the, oh, I learned about this new

1074
00:39:07,469 --> 00:39:09,710
kink thing today. Or, oh, I thought about

1075
00:39:09,710 --> 00:39:11,224
this scene I'd like to try. What do

1076
00:39:11,224 --> 00:39:12,985
you you know? Right? So, like, we we

1077
00:39:12,985 --> 00:39:13,965
get to add

1078
00:39:14,585 --> 00:39:15,405
a flavor

1079
00:39:16,025 --> 00:39:17,864
that's more than just how was your day

1080
00:39:17,864 --> 00:39:20,045
at work or what did you do today

1081
00:39:20,184 --> 00:39:20,684
or,

1082
00:39:21,065 --> 00:39:22,985
you know, hey. I remember that you said

1083
00:39:22,985 --> 00:39:24,280
you were feeling sick. How are you you

1084
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:24,780
know,

1085
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:26,299
these kinds of things.

1086
00:39:28,839 --> 00:39:31,159
A couple of the, examples I put on

1087
00:39:31,159 --> 00:39:33,500
my notes was a smack on the ass,

1088
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:34,380
a consensual,

1089
00:39:34,679 --> 00:39:35,179
pleasurable

1090
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:36,315
smack on the ass,

1091
00:39:37,594 --> 00:39:40,074
asking your opinion on something. What do you

1092
00:39:40,074 --> 00:39:41,534
think of? Or

1093
00:39:41,835 --> 00:39:43,135
I heard about this thing.

1094
00:39:43,594 --> 00:39:45,434
What do you what do you know about

1095
00:39:45,434 --> 00:39:47,614
it? What do you think? Have you know?

1096
00:39:48,155 --> 00:39:51,099
That's all bits of metal. I'm just reaching,

1097
00:39:51,559 --> 00:39:52,699
giving a hair pull.

1098
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:55,400
That do it. Let's see. I'm about to

1099
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,000
cut the the hair, and I won't maybe

1100
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:58,440
have a ponytail. It makes me a little

1101
00:39:58,440 --> 00:39:59,179
sad now.

1102
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,099
So it yeah. It's when one partner

1103
00:40:07,164 --> 00:40:09,244
in an overt way or a very subtle

1104
00:40:09,244 --> 00:40:11,344
way kind of reaches out metaphorically,

1105
00:40:11,724 --> 00:40:12,704
sometimes physically,

1106
00:40:13,324 --> 00:40:14,385
to your partner,

1107
00:40:15,164 --> 00:40:16,144
and your partner

1108
00:40:16,605 --> 00:40:19,244
sees it and responds. Does it require big

1109
00:40:19,244 --> 00:40:19,744
responses?

1110
00:40:20,579 --> 00:40:22,019
Could be small things. It could be a

1111
00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:24,280
shared smile across the room. Right?

1112
00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:27,960
In order to try to stay connected,

1113
00:40:29,059 --> 00:40:30,920
you want these to just be happening.

1114
00:40:31,300 --> 00:40:33,375
Mhmm. And it's, you know, it should not

1115
00:40:33,375 --> 00:40:35,375
add pressure to anybody. If you are not

1116
00:40:35,375 --> 00:40:37,454
asking your partner, how was your day? How

1117
00:40:37,454 --> 00:40:38,275
do you feel?

1118
00:40:38,655 --> 00:40:41,235
Or, hey. I learned it. I saw, learned,

1119
00:40:41,454 --> 00:40:43,215
read about, heard about a cool thing I

1120
00:40:43,215 --> 00:40:45,054
wanna share with you. Right? If you're not

1121
00:40:45,054 --> 00:40:46,260
already doing that,

1122
00:40:46,820 --> 00:40:48,119
I mean, I got questions

1123
00:40:48,500 --> 00:40:51,780
for the relationship. Right? Maybe it's more it's

1124
00:40:51,780 --> 00:40:54,019
a more casual one. Maybe, you know, whatever.

1125
00:40:54,019 --> 00:40:54,519
But

1126
00:40:55,460 --> 00:40:56,679
it goes back to

1127
00:40:56,980 --> 00:40:58,119
in power exchange,

1128
00:40:58,579 --> 00:40:59,559
I really think

1129
00:40:59,860 --> 00:41:02,694
you need to genuinely like the other person

1130
00:41:02,694 --> 00:41:04,934
as a friend before we're real worried about

1131
00:41:04,934 --> 00:41:06,875
if they're gonna be your dom or sub

1132
00:41:06,934 --> 00:41:08,614
because what the fuck is there to talk

1133
00:41:08,614 --> 00:41:11,434
about outside of that if you don't actually

1134
00:41:11,574 --> 00:41:13,594
like each other? But whatever. Whatever.

1135
00:41:13,894 --> 00:41:14,989
Different strokes folks.

1136
00:41:16,329 --> 00:41:16,829
Okay?

1137
00:41:17,530 --> 00:41:18,110
So I think

1138
00:41:18,570 --> 00:41:19,309
many of us are

1139
00:41:20,010 --> 00:41:22,110
doing these things naturally. You're just,

1140
00:41:22,650 --> 00:41:25,369
you know, thinking of your partner, sharing bits

1141
00:41:25,369 --> 00:41:26,889
of your life with your partner. I think

1142
00:41:26,889 --> 00:41:28,054
that's, like, that's like healthy

1143
00:41:28,755 --> 00:41:29,815
relationship stuff.

1144
00:41:30,434 --> 00:41:32,034
Sure. If you need a sign that there's

1145
00:41:32,034 --> 00:41:34,614
a disconnect, it's when you're like throwing

1146
00:41:35,074 --> 00:41:37,875
the bid out there and it's not being

1147
00:41:37,875 --> 00:41:38,375
caught.

1148
00:41:38,994 --> 00:41:40,855
It's bouncing off a brick wall.

1149
00:41:41,234 --> 00:41:42,295
I can tell

1150
00:41:43,070 --> 00:41:45,090
when something's up because

1151
00:41:45,869 --> 00:41:47,869
I'll be doing stuff like I'd now that

1152
00:41:47,869 --> 00:41:49,230
I know the name for it, I'm very

1153
00:41:49,230 --> 00:41:49,730
aware

1154
00:41:50,349 --> 00:41:51,010
of it.

1155
00:41:51,469 --> 00:41:53,969
And I think about it more intentionally.

1156
00:41:55,724 --> 00:41:56,844
I'll give you an example of that if

1157
00:41:56,844 --> 00:41:58,684
I can remember it in a second. But

1158
00:41:58,684 --> 00:42:00,844
I can tell when JB's head is somewhere

1159
00:42:00,844 --> 00:42:02,224
else, when he is not

1160
00:42:02,844 --> 00:42:04,844
in the room with me, even when he's

1161
00:42:04,844 --> 00:42:07,164
physically in the room with me, because I

1162
00:42:07,164 --> 00:42:08,784
could try to talk to him

1163
00:42:09,244 --> 00:42:10,800
and I don't get a response.

1164
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,300
And that's not a,

1165
00:42:15,599 --> 00:42:17,920
oh, like we talked about earlier, he's listening

1166
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,519
to something on his phone and I I

1167
00:42:19,519 --> 00:42:22,239
don't know that because the hearing aids are

1168
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:23,204
inside his head.

1169
00:42:24,085 --> 00:42:27,445
Right? It's his mind is on other things.

1170
00:42:27,445 --> 00:42:29,065
And if I'm not, like,

1171
00:42:29,684 --> 00:42:31,684
waving like a mad woman in front of

1172
00:42:31,684 --> 00:42:33,144
him, I don't have his attention.

1173
00:42:33,525 --> 00:42:35,065
If that happens too

1174
00:42:35,610 --> 00:42:37,210
many times in a row, and it can

1175
00:42:37,210 --> 00:42:38,970
happen. He can get, like, off in his

1176
00:42:38,970 --> 00:42:40,890
own world, and I'm not doing the right

1177
00:42:40,890 --> 00:42:43,050
thing to get his attention. Enough times in

1178
00:42:43,050 --> 00:42:45,369
a row of that that bid for attention,

1179
00:42:45,369 --> 00:42:46,670
like, hitting a brick wall,

1180
00:42:47,769 --> 00:42:50,215
it Even though I know what's happening logically,

1181
00:42:50,355 --> 00:42:52,275
my feelings will be hurt. Well, now once

1182
00:42:52,275 --> 00:42:54,535
feelings are hurt, it's easy to walk away.

1183
00:42:54,755 --> 00:42:55,255
And

1184
00:42:55,715 --> 00:42:57,094
a little bit of the disconnect

1185
00:42:57,394 --> 00:43:00,355
has begun at that point. Now I've gotten

1186
00:43:00,355 --> 00:43:02,289
better because I know that I am safe

1187
00:43:02,289 --> 00:43:03,829
to do this. I'm very secure

1188
00:43:05,009 --> 00:43:05,509
in

1189
00:43:05,809 --> 00:43:08,150
my, you know, submission and in this relationship,

1190
00:43:08,609 --> 00:43:10,369
if I feel it and I recognize what

1191
00:43:10,369 --> 00:43:11,029
I'm feeling,

1192
00:43:11,650 --> 00:43:13,190
I'm real quick to go, hey.

1193
00:43:13,650 --> 00:43:15,250
This is what happened. It wasn't your fault,

1194
00:43:15,250 --> 00:43:16,769
but I didn't like it. And here's how

1195
00:43:16,769 --> 00:43:17,914
I feel now. And

1196
00:43:18,614 --> 00:43:19,914
I always sort it out.

1197
00:43:20,855 --> 00:43:22,535
The thing that I have realized is a

1198
00:43:23,494 --> 00:43:24,315
is important

1199
00:43:25,655 --> 00:43:27,914
as a way to not have your partner's

1200
00:43:27,974 --> 00:43:28,875
bid for connection

1201
00:43:29,255 --> 00:43:31,594
bounce back at them like a tennis ball.

1202
00:43:32,210 --> 00:43:34,210
It's when I do. And I once I

1203
00:43:34,210 --> 00:43:35,809
realized what needed to be done, I do

1204
00:43:35,809 --> 00:43:36,630
it more often.

1205
00:43:37,170 --> 00:43:39,889
Put your damn phone down. Okay? Unless it

1206
00:43:39,889 --> 00:43:42,389
is a communication device you need to communicate

1207
00:43:42,449 --> 00:43:44,289
with your partner, put the damn thing down

1208
00:43:44,289 --> 00:43:45,795
when your partner's talking to you.

1209
00:43:46,355 --> 00:43:48,994
I'm telling you right now, JB's attitude with

1210
00:43:48,994 --> 00:43:52,454
me improved, he doesn't even know, improved dramatically.

1211
00:43:53,394 --> 00:43:54,454
When I started,

1212
00:43:54,994 --> 00:43:57,315
when he caught my attention to show me

1213
00:43:57,315 --> 00:43:59,394
the cool rock he found or to ask

1214
00:43:59,394 --> 00:44:00,534
how I was feeling

1215
00:44:00,914 --> 00:44:01,655
or to

1216
00:44:02,010 --> 00:44:04,349
smile at me or whatever the bid was

1217
00:44:04,969 --> 00:44:07,130
when I paused what I was doing on

1218
00:44:07,130 --> 00:44:08,489
my phone or I put it face down

1219
00:44:08,489 --> 00:44:10,030
and I gave him my attention.

1220
00:44:10,650 --> 00:44:13,210
It is very easy, especially in long term

1221
00:44:13,210 --> 00:44:16,025
relationships where you're very comfy with one another

1222
00:44:18,484 --> 00:44:19,944
to kinda be scrolling,

1223
00:44:20,405 --> 00:44:23,204
uh-huh, and keep going. Yeah. Enough of that,

1224
00:44:23,204 --> 00:44:24,184
you're now disconnected.

1225
00:44:24,885 --> 00:44:27,284
Those bids of connection are not being caught

1226
00:44:27,284 --> 00:44:28,219
by the other

1227
00:44:28,599 --> 00:44:29,260
person because

1228
00:44:29,639 --> 00:44:31,659
the focus isn't on you,

1229
00:44:32,119 --> 00:44:34,280
the one with the cool rock. I really

1230
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:35,420
like that rock thing.

1231
00:44:36,599 --> 00:44:38,199
Somebody needs me to bring me a cool

1232
00:44:38,199 --> 00:44:39,420
rock is what I'm hearing.

1233
00:44:41,424 --> 00:44:44,304
And now we're in this 86%

1234
00:44:44,304 --> 00:44:45,924
versus 33%,

1235
00:44:46,065 --> 00:44:48,864
like, margin. Right? And you gotta be careful

1236
00:44:48,864 --> 00:44:50,164
of that. Once I understood

1237
00:44:50,545 --> 00:44:52,304
that that needed to happen, quite frankly, here's

1238
00:44:52,304 --> 00:44:54,085
what happened. I learned about bids for connection.

1239
00:44:54,224 --> 00:44:55,744
I saw often enough that it stuck in

1240
00:44:55,744 --> 00:44:57,269
my brain because y'all know at this point

1241
00:44:57,269 --> 00:44:58,309
in my life, I need to hear it

1242
00:44:58,309 --> 00:44:59,590
many times for it to stick in my

1243
00:44:59,590 --> 00:45:01,050
brain. And then JB,

1244
00:45:01,670 --> 00:45:03,829
it this happened after, but it was all

1245
00:45:03,829 --> 00:45:04,570
kinda connected.

1246
00:45:05,269 --> 00:45:07,590
I learned about bids for connection after JB,

1247
00:45:07,590 --> 00:45:09,190
not just in the car situation, but a

1248
00:45:09,190 --> 00:45:11,295
couple other times went, I don't feel like

1249
00:45:11,295 --> 00:45:12,894
you're paying attention to me. And he was

1250
00:45:12,894 --> 00:45:15,474
not wrong. I was not paying attention.

1251
00:45:16,974 --> 00:45:18,974
And I think I came at it from

1252
00:45:18,974 --> 00:45:21,454
a submissive perspective of, oh, I'm not giving

1253
00:45:21,454 --> 00:45:22,675
my daddy the,

1254
00:45:23,534 --> 00:45:25,954
attention Mhmm. And respect he deserves

1255
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:28,559
through the lens of power change, but just

1256
00:45:28,559 --> 00:45:30,260
through the lens of relationships

1257
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:31,699
making it.

1258
00:45:33,039 --> 00:45:36,079
Just if they're trying to tell you something,

1259
00:45:36,079 --> 00:45:38,480
connect with you, and especially when you know

1260
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:40,559
you don't have a good way of splitting

1261
00:45:40,559 --> 00:45:41,299
your focus,

1262
00:45:42,244 --> 00:45:44,085
as long as you are you are physically

1263
00:45:44,085 --> 00:45:46,244
able to put put the phone down. Now

1264
00:45:46,244 --> 00:45:48,744
that is a funny thing in our relationship.

1265
00:45:49,364 --> 00:45:51,364
Mhmm. Because I'll be watching it's usually a

1266
00:45:51,364 --> 00:45:53,545
YouTube video. I'll be watching a YouTube video

1267
00:45:54,219 --> 00:45:55,660
and JB will come talk to me. So

1268
00:45:55,660 --> 00:45:57,099
I will pause it, and I will give

1269
00:45:57,099 --> 00:45:59,199
him my full attention because that's a respectful

1270
00:45:59,340 --> 00:46:00,239
thing to do.

1271
00:46:02,059 --> 00:46:04,460
And he'll stop talking and he'll walk away,

1272
00:46:04,460 --> 00:46:06,719
and I will start my video again.

1273
00:46:07,019 --> 00:46:09,019
And then he will turn around with another

1274
00:46:09,019 --> 00:46:11,315
thought. And because I'm I'm conscious of this

1275
00:46:11,315 --> 00:46:13,474
now, I will pause my video and I

1276
00:46:13,474 --> 00:46:15,014
would give him my full attention.

1277
00:46:15,394 --> 00:46:17,394
And he'll talk for, like, thirty, forty five

1278
00:46:17,394 --> 00:46:19,554
seconds. And then he will walk away. It's

1279
00:46:19,635 --> 00:46:21,875
I'm like, I'm I'm safe. I'll play my

1280
00:46:21,875 --> 00:46:23,255
video again. No.

1281
00:46:23,714 --> 00:46:25,989
You know what? I forgot. And then there's

1282
00:46:26,150 --> 00:46:28,070
By the the first two times, he doesn't

1283
00:46:28,070 --> 00:46:30,070
usually clock what's happening. How often I'm having

1284
00:46:30,070 --> 00:46:31,989
to pause. By the third to the fourth,

1285
00:46:31,989 --> 00:46:34,630
and, yes, there has absolutely been a fifth

1286
00:46:34,630 --> 00:46:35,690
fucking time.

1287
00:46:36,070 --> 00:46:37,750
Now he's just fucking with me. Now I

1288
00:46:37,750 --> 00:46:39,369
just do it to fuck with her. Yeah.

1289
00:46:41,385 --> 00:46:44,184
Weirdly, that is a bid for connection because

1290
00:46:44,184 --> 00:46:45,485
I could get angry.

1291
00:46:45,785 --> 00:46:46,445
I could

1292
00:46:47,224 --> 00:46:50,025
I could, like, let myself be very annoyed,

1293
00:46:50,025 --> 00:46:51,324
and I do get annoyed.

1294
00:46:52,265 --> 00:46:54,025
But I see the humor and I see

1295
00:46:54,025 --> 00:46:55,724
him joking, and I,

1296
00:46:56,529 --> 00:46:58,449
when it happens, I'm it's never been in

1297
00:46:58,449 --> 00:46:59,969
a where I'm not in a position where

1298
00:46:59,969 --> 00:47:01,489
I can find it funny. I go ahead

1299
00:47:01,489 --> 00:47:03,489
and laugh at the joke too. I give

1300
00:47:03,489 --> 00:47:04,630
him a piece of my mind

1301
00:47:05,089 --> 00:47:05,589
submissively.

1302
00:47:05,889 --> 00:47:06,389
Sure.

1303
00:47:10,449 --> 00:47:11,864
But those those moments

1304
00:47:12,344 --> 00:47:12,844
become

1305
00:47:13,144 --> 00:47:13,644
connective

1306
00:47:14,025 --> 00:47:14,525
moments.

1307
00:47:14,824 --> 00:47:15,324
Yeah.

1308
00:47:15,704 --> 00:47:19,965
Vids for connection are huge. Huge, huge, huge

1309
00:47:20,585 --> 00:47:22,525
for staying connected and reconnecting.

1310
00:47:23,784 --> 00:47:25,724
I'm just gonna say, Taysh, you called it

1311
00:47:25,945 --> 00:47:27,300
the Columbo effect.

1312
00:47:28,099 --> 00:47:30,019
Oh, the one more thing? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

1313
00:47:30,019 --> 00:47:32,039
Yeah. You like to do that too. Mhmm.

1314
00:47:32,099 --> 00:47:33,860
You go, and one more thing. I'm like

1315
00:47:34,179 --> 00:47:35,619
That might be where I got it from.

1316
00:47:35,619 --> 00:47:37,160
Maybe it was. Maybe it was.

1317
00:47:37,940 --> 00:47:39,000
So we've communicated.

1318
00:47:39,300 --> 00:47:41,699
Please communicate about your conflict or stress. Here's

1319
00:47:41,699 --> 00:47:42,855
the thing. I said at the top, I

1320
00:47:42,855 --> 00:47:45,494
don't think we dived into it. Sometimes the

1321
00:47:45,494 --> 00:47:45,994
communication

1322
00:47:46,534 --> 00:47:48,375
we tend to do the communication after the

1323
00:47:48,375 --> 00:47:50,614
fact, after the problem has occurred. And of

1324
00:47:50,614 --> 00:47:52,534
course, we should. Of course. Of course. Of

1325
00:47:52,534 --> 00:47:53,034
course.

1326
00:47:53,655 --> 00:47:54,635
But to

1327
00:47:57,260 --> 00:47:58,400
minimize a disconnect

1328
00:47:59,179 --> 00:48:00,860
to the best of our abilities, it's gonna

1329
00:48:00,860 --> 00:48:01,360
happen.

1330
00:48:02,619 --> 00:48:04,139
If there's a thing coming up in your

1331
00:48:04,139 --> 00:48:05,980
life that's gonna keep you busy or there's

1332
00:48:05,980 --> 00:48:08,219
a thing going on that stresses you out

1333
00:48:08,219 --> 00:48:10,000
or maybe you know

1334
00:48:10,300 --> 00:48:12,545
how your body is and you know what

1335
00:48:12,545 --> 00:48:14,724
flare ups are and they the more

1336
00:48:15,585 --> 00:48:17,664
depending on the relationship and the state of

1337
00:48:17,664 --> 00:48:19,905
the relationship and how intimate y'all have become

1338
00:48:19,905 --> 00:48:21,744
and and how far along this relationship you

1339
00:48:21,744 --> 00:48:23,905
are, the more you can communicate ahead of

1340
00:48:23,905 --> 00:48:25,519
time time about what you know

1341
00:48:25,980 --> 00:48:28,140
is coming, could come, will definitely at some

1342
00:48:28,140 --> 00:48:29,739
point happen, but you don't have a specific

1343
00:48:29,739 --> 00:48:30,239
date,

1344
00:48:30,539 --> 00:48:32,000
the better. Because

1345
00:48:32,860 --> 00:48:34,699
I know for me, and I'm not alone

1346
00:48:34,699 --> 00:48:35,280
in this,

1347
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:37,119
a lot of it is feeling

1348
00:48:38,235 --> 00:48:40,494
like it something came out of nowhere.

1349
00:48:40,875 --> 00:48:43,615
Feeling like I was sort of, you know,

1350
00:48:43,914 --> 00:48:45,755
on the back end of something, and I'm

1351
00:48:45,755 --> 00:48:47,775
clueless, and I don't know what's going on.

1352
00:48:48,075 --> 00:48:50,875
And what folks do, not all, but some

1353
00:48:50,875 --> 00:48:51,615
like me,

1354
00:48:51,994 --> 00:48:52,575
I know.

1355
00:48:53,130 --> 00:48:54,489
You fill in the blank of what you

1356
00:48:54,489 --> 00:48:56,250
think is happening or you think of why

1357
00:48:56,250 --> 00:48:58,250
something's happening or what it means because you

1358
00:48:58,250 --> 00:48:59,150
don't have information.

1359
00:49:00,329 --> 00:49:02,170
If you are far enough along in the

1360
00:49:02,170 --> 00:49:04,349
relationship where that kind of trust is there,

1361
00:49:05,015 --> 00:49:06,775
say something ahead of time. Long distance relationships,

1362
00:49:06,775 --> 00:49:07,894
we tell you to do this all the

1363
00:49:07,894 --> 00:49:09,494
time. If you know work is gonna kick

1364
00:49:09,494 --> 00:49:11,655
your fucking ass and your whole communication schedule

1365
00:49:11,655 --> 00:49:13,175
is out the window, you better talk about

1366
00:49:13,175 --> 00:49:14,954
it as the moment you can.

1367
00:49:15,335 --> 00:49:17,735
The moment you know that the schedule shifted

1368
00:49:17,735 --> 00:49:19,809
or the trip is coming up or the

1369
00:49:19,809 --> 00:49:21,809
meeting or the event or the whatever it

1370
00:49:21,809 --> 00:49:22,630
is. Right?

1371
00:49:24,050 --> 00:49:26,210
Because a lot of the time, it won't

1372
00:49:26,289 --> 00:49:27,349
I don't think it'll

1373
00:49:28,929 --> 00:49:31,409
take away all disconnect, but it it takes

1374
00:49:31,409 --> 00:49:33,329
away the uncertainty that comes with it of

1375
00:49:33,329 --> 00:49:35,565
what the hell is going on. Right?

1376
00:49:36,585 --> 00:49:38,425
So when we say communicate, yeah, after the

1377
00:49:38,425 --> 00:49:39,704
fact. Of course. Of course. Of course. What

1378
00:49:39,704 --> 00:49:41,625
the hell happened? Why are we disconnected? Do

1379
00:49:41,625 --> 00:49:42,844
we need to resolve conflict?

1380
00:49:43,625 --> 00:49:45,085
Did I handle stress badly?

1381
00:49:46,184 --> 00:49:47,085
But before,

1382
00:49:47,465 --> 00:49:49,005
for things that are

1383
00:49:49,789 --> 00:49:51,309
outside of your control but that you know

1384
00:49:51,309 --> 00:49:51,969
are coming.

1385
00:49:52,829 --> 00:49:54,510
You're not supposed to, like, be a mind

1386
00:49:54,510 --> 00:49:56,590
reader and know shit's coming, but but stuff

1387
00:49:56,590 --> 00:49:58,269
that you can see on the horizon because

1388
00:49:58,269 --> 00:49:59,949
this is your life you've been living and

1389
00:49:59,949 --> 00:50:02,369
you know what happens in your life. Right?

1390
00:50:03,550 --> 00:50:04,449
So communicate,

1391
00:50:04,864 --> 00:50:06,704
bids for connection. And then this is the

1392
00:50:06,704 --> 00:50:08,545
one I like, and it does work for

1393
00:50:08,545 --> 00:50:11,105
us to reconnect. Mhmm. And whatever it will

1394
00:50:11,105 --> 00:50:13,664
look like for other people is absolutely about

1395
00:50:13,664 --> 00:50:16,304
your personalities and how y'all mesh together in

1396
00:50:16,304 --> 00:50:16,964
a relationship,

1397
00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:19,109
but get silly and have fun together. That

1398
00:50:19,109 --> 00:50:21,429
can be kinky fun. Maybe y'all go seen

1399
00:50:21,429 --> 00:50:23,429
and we have done that. He has beat

1400
00:50:23,429 --> 00:50:25,130
my ass and I'm like, oh, yeah.

1401
00:50:25,589 --> 00:50:28,230
Yep. Yep. I'm mhmm. I know who I

1402
00:50:28,230 --> 00:50:30,569
belong to now and I feel very reconnected.

1403
00:50:31,750 --> 00:50:34,494
Sometimes it's dumb shit, like those fucking questions,

1404
00:50:34,555 --> 00:50:36,555
silly questions we were answering a few weeks

1405
00:50:36,555 --> 00:50:38,635
ago. Like and that is part of the

1406
00:50:38,635 --> 00:50:40,795
love map thing of how well do you

1407
00:50:40,795 --> 00:50:42,394
know your partner, because the better you know

1408
00:50:42,394 --> 00:50:44,186
your partner, then the more that you the

1409
00:50:44,186 --> 00:50:44,969
more connected you are. It's all it it's

1410
00:50:50,809 --> 00:50:52,010
I'm on a board back here. I got

1411
00:50:52,010 --> 00:50:54,170
all these red strings coming back, and it

1412
00:50:54,170 --> 00:50:56,090
all comes back to connection. Maybe it all

1413
00:50:56,090 --> 00:50:57,230
does. I don't know.

1414
00:50:58,489 --> 00:50:59,289
But, yeah, we

1415
00:51:00,885 --> 00:51:02,724
as soon as we can, once we've both

1416
00:51:02,724 --> 00:51:05,684
admitted that there's a disconnect, we're trying to

1417
00:51:05,684 --> 00:51:08,005
to make the other person laugh. Yeah. We're

1418
00:51:08,005 --> 00:51:09,864
being silly. We're being goofy.

1419
00:51:10,965 --> 00:51:12,885
And, yeah, that it might sound weird that

1420
00:51:12,885 --> 00:51:14,184
you're gonna be silly

1421
00:51:14,650 --> 00:51:15,150
intentionally,

1422
00:51:15,449 --> 00:51:17,309
like, with a purpose in mind.

1423
00:51:17,929 --> 00:51:18,750
But, you know,

1424
00:51:19,610 --> 00:51:22,170
when I'm silly outside of needing to reconnect,

1425
00:51:22,170 --> 00:51:24,409
I'm doing it so somebody will laugh even

1426
00:51:24,409 --> 00:51:26,730
if that somebody is me. That is being

1427
00:51:26,730 --> 00:51:28,994
silly with intention. I don't see what the

1428
00:51:28,994 --> 00:51:30,614
difference is, quite frankly.

1429
00:51:32,034 --> 00:51:33,795
You do have to know each other's humor

1430
00:51:33,795 --> 00:51:36,194
for that. Mhmm. I have a feeling that

1431
00:51:36,194 --> 00:51:37,894
one is probably easier for

1432
00:51:38,355 --> 00:51:40,514
longer term relationships or where people were really

1433
00:51:40,755 --> 00:51:42,434
are really close even if you haven't been

1434
00:51:42,434 --> 00:51:44,194
in your power exchange for a long time.

1435
00:51:44,194 --> 00:51:45,920
You just know each other. Because you gotta

1436
00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:47,359
know each other's humor and what will make

1437
00:51:47,359 --> 00:51:48,500
the other person laugh.

1438
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:50,559
We get goofy. We get, like, we get

1439
00:51:50,559 --> 00:51:51,059
ridiculous

1440
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:52,659
with it.

1441
00:51:54,639 --> 00:51:56,994
JB's cracking jokes. I'm being

1442
00:51:57,775 --> 00:51:58,835
very sassy,

1443
00:51:59,934 --> 00:52:00,434
respectfully.

1444
00:52:01,295 --> 00:52:03,054
There are times she has me laughing so

1445
00:52:03,054 --> 00:52:04,914
hard I'm about to cry.

1446
00:52:05,535 --> 00:52:07,295
You know, the times I get you laughing

1447
00:52:07,295 --> 00:52:07,954
like that,

1448
00:52:08,255 --> 00:52:10,594
I don't I don't plan for those moments.

1449
00:52:10,735 --> 00:52:12,030
I just kind of

1450
00:52:13,550 --> 00:52:14,610
and so here's

1451
00:52:16,829 --> 00:52:18,769
something that happens with me sometimes

1452
00:52:19,070 --> 00:52:21,230
is I'll do a thing that I am

1453
00:52:21,230 --> 00:52:23,150
very well aware that one I would probably

1454
00:52:23,150 --> 00:52:24,750
never do publicly. It's not a bad thing.

1455
00:52:24,750 --> 00:52:27,235
It's just like a I I was real

1456
00:52:28,815 --> 00:52:31,295
relaxed. Or if I did do where somebody

1457
00:52:31,295 --> 00:52:33,054
else could see it, I would pretend I

1458
00:52:33,054 --> 00:52:35,215
didn't or I would explain it away or

1459
00:52:35,215 --> 00:52:35,715
I'd

1460
00:52:36,175 --> 00:52:37,934
I'd have a response that is not my

1461
00:52:37,934 --> 00:52:39,030
genuine response.

1462
00:52:40,869 --> 00:52:41,369
So

1463
00:52:41,909 --> 00:52:42,730
what happens

1464
00:52:43,110 --> 00:52:44,949
in those situations, it's typically when I have

1465
00:52:44,949 --> 00:52:46,469
Zoomies at night and we're trying to go

1466
00:52:46,469 --> 00:52:48,730
to sleep. I'll just say or do something

1467
00:52:48,789 --> 00:52:49,449
so ridiculous.

1468
00:52:49,909 --> 00:52:52,065
And instead of hiding it and instead of

1469
00:52:52,065 --> 00:52:54,085
minimizing it and acting like it was nothing,

1470
00:52:54,464 --> 00:52:56,244
I just will roll with it.

1471
00:52:57,824 --> 00:53:00,565
Mhmm. And I that's not even a conscious

1472
00:53:00,945 --> 00:53:02,704
the the rolling with it is a conscious

1473
00:53:02,704 --> 00:53:04,864
choice. The knowing it's gonna make you laugh

1474
00:53:04,864 --> 00:53:06,545
so hard you're about to pee yourself, I

1475
00:53:06,545 --> 00:53:08,420
never think of that. I just

1476
00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:10,800
go, well, this will be funny. And I

1477
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,420
that's what ends up

1478
00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:13,460
happening.

1479
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:16,800
So it's it is and it is not

1480
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:19,139
intentional, if that makes any sense.

1481
00:53:19,679 --> 00:53:20,179
Like,

1482
00:53:21,519 --> 00:53:22,179
I just

1483
00:53:22,585 --> 00:53:24,744
I just go, yeah. Fuck it. It's got

1484
00:53:24,905 --> 00:53:26,525
as it's up being the mantra.

1485
00:53:26,905 --> 00:53:28,905
Fuck it. Just just roll with it. Now

1486
00:53:28,905 --> 00:53:31,065
I know you kind of wish I could

1487
00:53:31,065 --> 00:53:33,625
be like that where other people could see

1488
00:53:33,625 --> 00:53:34,125
me.

1489
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:37,659
I don't know if there are enough edibles

1490
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,639
for me to be like that and be

1491
00:53:39,639 --> 00:53:42,280
upright at the same time. Because I can't

1492
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:44,599
tell anybody how what you're like because they

1493
00:53:44,599 --> 00:53:47,339
wouldn't believe me. Well, I also

1494
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:48,106
think that if you try to describe it,

1495
00:53:48,106 --> 00:53:48,181
you would just sound like the crazy person.

1496
00:53:48,181 --> 00:53:48,949
Yeah. Because, I mean,

1497
00:53:51,114 --> 00:53:52,815
crazy person. Yeah. Because,

1498
00:53:53,194 --> 00:53:54,174
I mean, I

1499
00:53:54,954 --> 00:53:56,714
I am off the wall once we get

1500
00:53:56,714 --> 00:53:59,375
to Mhmm. I am as the silliest

1501
00:54:00,154 --> 00:54:02,494
I am capable of being at that point.

1502
00:54:03,980 --> 00:54:06,359
Not always, not often, but

1503
00:54:06,699 --> 00:54:08,940
but, man, when it happens She knows she

1504
00:54:08,940 --> 00:54:10,780
really got me when if she hears me

1505
00:54:10,780 --> 00:54:11,280
snort.

1506
00:54:12,539 --> 00:54:14,859
Because you'll snort if I snort. And once

1507
00:54:14,859 --> 00:54:17,414
we're both snorting back and forth at one

1508
00:54:17,414 --> 00:54:17,914
another,

1509
00:54:19,974 --> 00:54:22,614
the silliness, the laughter, if you've got it

1510
00:54:22,614 --> 00:54:24,775
in your relationship, I don't it can be

1511
00:54:24,775 --> 00:54:27,015
dark fucking humor. It can be humor that

1512
00:54:27,015 --> 00:54:29,320
nobody else fucking gets. It can be

1513
00:54:29,860 --> 00:54:32,340
shit that would probably get you arrested if

1514
00:54:32,340 --> 00:54:33,480
you did it in public.

1515
00:54:34,579 --> 00:54:36,679
It doesn't matter. It's whatever works within

1516
00:54:37,300 --> 00:54:40,039
the relationship with the people involved. Mhmm.

1517
00:54:40,500 --> 00:54:42,579
Because some of the best sleep I get

1518
00:54:42,579 --> 00:54:44,644
at night is when the last thing we

1519
00:54:44,644 --> 00:54:45,925
do before we roll over to go to

1520
00:54:45,925 --> 00:54:48,025
sleep is laugh until we have cried.

1521
00:54:48,565 --> 00:54:51,125
And then the next morning, it is easier

1522
00:54:51,125 --> 00:54:53,764
to get up. We are so fucking lovey

1523
00:54:53,764 --> 00:54:55,844
dovey. It's disgusting. Like, there was a time

1524
00:54:55,844 --> 00:54:57,844
when we were just super cute to the

1525
00:54:57,844 --> 00:54:58,344
Internet.

1526
00:54:59,049 --> 00:55:01,069
We are now crusty, crotchety,

1527
00:55:01,449 --> 00:55:03,929
annoyed old people. I don't think we come

1528
00:55:03,929 --> 00:55:05,949
across as cute at all.

1529
00:55:06,329 --> 00:55:08,109
I'm not mad about that.

1530
00:55:08,569 --> 00:55:10,409
That was wait that was being perceived at

1531
00:55:10,409 --> 00:55:12,109
too high of a level for different

1532
00:55:12,409 --> 00:55:13,929
sides of the Internet to call us cute.

1533
00:55:13,929 --> 00:55:14,864
It was just too much.

1534
00:55:15,585 --> 00:55:18,545
But in the mornings after those kinds of

1535
00:55:18,545 --> 00:55:20,945
evenings, we've gone to sleep like that. Oh,

1536
00:55:20,945 --> 00:55:24,324
we are so fucking lovey dovey. Mhmm. Disgustingly

1537
00:55:24,945 --> 00:55:27,440
cute. I would make myself gag if I

1538
00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:29,200
had to watch it from anybody else. I

1539
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:30,980
mean, what? No. Thank you.

1540
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:32,900
And so

1541
00:55:33,599 --> 00:55:36,320
I'm just saying whatever it is that gets

1542
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:37,940
you and your partner rolling

1543
00:55:38,720 --> 00:55:40,855
and laughing and having a good time,

1544
00:55:41,155 --> 00:55:43,155
lean the fuck into that to the extent

1545
00:55:43,155 --> 00:55:43,974
that you can

1546
00:55:44,675 --> 00:55:47,155
as you're reconnecting. The more you can do

1547
00:55:47,155 --> 00:55:50,594
it naturally and in an authentic way outside

1548
00:55:50,594 --> 00:55:52,755
of these moments, easier it is to stay

1549
00:55:52,755 --> 00:55:54,920
connected. But we're all human and life's gonna

1550
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,640
fucking life. Right? And so you're gonna have

1551
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,019
these times when

1552
00:55:59,559 --> 00:56:00,619
everything was rolling

1553
00:56:01,079 --> 00:56:03,340
good. Like, the power exchange was good and

1554
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:06,280
life was not terrible. And you were just

1555
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:06,780
getting

1556
00:56:07,144 --> 00:56:08,905
getting stuff done and making shit happen. And

1557
00:56:08,905 --> 00:56:10,664
life was just rock and roll and smooth,

1558
00:56:10,664 --> 00:56:11,324
and then

1559
00:56:11,704 --> 00:56:13,885
you'll get a bump. You'll get a a

1560
00:56:14,105 --> 00:56:16,105
a moment where and it can sometimes just

1561
00:56:16,105 --> 00:56:18,344
be a blip. It'll be a moment where

1562
00:56:18,344 --> 00:56:19,885
we're annoyed at one another

1563
00:56:20,344 --> 00:56:23,059
out of fucking nowhere, usually over something stupid,

1564
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:25,760
and they can be the crack that starts

1565
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:26,500
a disconnect.

1566
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:28,960
The other time is you just get busy.

1567
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:29,840
You just get busy. You're

1568
00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:32,579
it's good, and I wanna do an episode

1569
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:34,394
on the importance of

1570
00:56:35,355 --> 00:56:38,235
partners having separate interests outside of one another

1571
00:56:38,235 --> 00:56:40,155
because it is way too easy to become

1572
00:56:40,155 --> 00:56:42,074
way too enmeshed in one another. Ask me

1573
00:56:42,074 --> 00:56:42,894
how I know.

1574
00:56:44,554 --> 00:56:47,515
But there's a line there between doing things

1575
00:56:47,515 --> 00:56:50,170
separately, having outside interests that you then come

1576
00:56:50,170 --> 00:56:52,829
back together and talk about and connect over,

1577
00:56:52,969 --> 00:56:54,510
right, through bids for connection

1578
00:56:55,050 --> 00:56:55,550
versus

1579
00:56:55,849 --> 00:56:57,930
you are now on parallel paths and you're

1580
00:56:57,930 --> 00:57:01,050
never crossing over. You're never interacting. You're doing

1581
00:57:01,130 --> 00:57:03,125
you're in your own head, in your own

1582
00:57:03,125 --> 00:57:05,385
world, doing your own thing that you're

1583
00:57:05,844 --> 00:57:08,244
there's so much disconnect that can happen there.

1584
00:57:08,244 --> 00:57:09,304
Mhmm. So

1585
00:57:10,964 --> 00:57:12,505
lines of communication always.

1586
00:57:13,844 --> 00:57:15,925
Bids for connection. Throw them out and catch

1587
00:57:15,925 --> 00:57:17,444
them when the when your partner throws them

1588
00:57:17,444 --> 00:57:18,539
at you. Right? It

1589
00:57:19,260 --> 00:57:21,500
it's more meaningful, I think, than you know.

1590
00:57:21,500 --> 00:57:24,059
Once I started once I started recognizing it

1591
00:57:24,059 --> 00:57:25,420
and could go, oh, that's a bit for

1592
00:57:25,420 --> 00:57:25,920
connection.

1593
00:57:26,219 --> 00:57:27,820
Or I don't think about when I do

1594
00:57:27,820 --> 00:57:29,500
it. I'm just interacting with you and, you

1595
00:57:29,500 --> 00:57:31,099
know me, I'm obsessed with you. I wanna

1596
00:57:31,099 --> 00:57:32,284
tell you everything.

1597
00:57:33,304 --> 00:57:34,744
I don't have any cool rocks. I'm so

1598
00:57:34,744 --> 00:57:35,244
sorry.

1599
00:57:39,545 --> 00:57:40,045
But

1600
00:57:40,824 --> 00:57:43,304
yeah. I lost it. Goddamn it. Goddamn it.

1601
00:57:43,304 --> 00:57:44,744
I lost it. I lost it. It was

1602
00:57:44,744 --> 00:57:46,344
right there. I'm sure it was a brilliant

1603
00:57:46,344 --> 00:57:47,969
fucking thought dude. I lost

1604
00:57:48,269 --> 00:57:48,769
it.

1605
00:57:49,710 --> 00:57:51,469
I lost it. Hate when that happens. No.

1606
00:57:51,469 --> 00:57:53,949
Okay. So I don't think about, oh, I'm

1607
00:57:53,949 --> 00:57:55,469
putting out a bid for connection when I

1608
00:57:55,469 --> 00:57:56,670
do it to you. Mhmm. Because like I

1609
00:57:56,670 --> 00:57:58,190
said, I'm obsessed. I just wanna talk to

1610
00:57:58,190 --> 00:58:01,925
you. But I make myself aware and I

1611
00:58:01,925 --> 00:58:03,684
think I try to think about it when

1612
00:58:03,684 --> 00:58:04,344
I recognize

1613
00:58:04,724 --> 00:58:06,965
you doing it to me. Part of it

1614
00:58:06,965 --> 00:58:07,625
is because

1615
00:58:08,804 --> 00:58:11,364
sure nobody's noticed. I can suck up all

1616
00:58:11,364 --> 00:58:13,385
the oxygen in a room. Right?

1617
00:58:13,860 --> 00:58:15,700
I got something to say. I got something

1618
00:58:15,700 --> 00:58:16,200
to

1619
00:58:17,700 --> 00:58:19,460
do. I'm gonna try to be silly and

1620
00:58:19,460 --> 00:58:22,500
make somebody laugh. JB is quieter with it.

1621
00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:25,140
JB is, like, he can be off in

1622
00:58:25,140 --> 00:58:27,140
his own world doing his own thing happily,

1623
00:58:27,140 --> 00:58:29,255
just happily. And I'm happy doing my thing,

1624
00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:31,655
but that's my person. If it I mean,

1625
00:58:31,655 --> 00:58:33,275
if I could get inside him

1626
00:58:33,974 --> 00:58:35,355
like a baby kangaroo,

1627
00:58:36,215 --> 00:58:36,795
I would.

1628
00:58:37,894 --> 00:58:41,494
Less like a, like, alien body snatching situation

1629
00:58:41,494 --> 00:58:43,139
only because I don't like body fluids. But

1630
00:58:44,819 --> 00:58:46,099
I don't wanna wear him like a skin

1631
00:58:46,099 --> 00:58:47,139
suit because then he's not

1632
00:58:48,019 --> 00:58:49,000
y'all get it.

1633
00:58:49,380 --> 00:58:51,059
He is What? He's like

1634
00:58:51,460 --> 00:58:53,719
somebody out there gets what I'm saying. Okay?

1635
00:58:53,940 --> 00:58:55,960
It's fine if it's only one person.

1636
00:58:56,819 --> 00:58:59,534
He is quieter about that. He doesn't have

1637
00:58:59,534 --> 00:59:00,195
to come

1638
00:59:00,574 --> 00:59:02,255
throw a bid for connection at me all

1639
00:59:02,255 --> 00:59:04,195
the time because I am bombarding

1640
00:59:04,574 --> 00:59:05,474
him. Okay?

1641
00:59:06,414 --> 00:59:08,175
So I am more aware when he does

1642
00:59:08,175 --> 00:59:09,534
it to me. I'm not thinking about it

1643
00:59:09,534 --> 00:59:10,734
as, oh, this is a bid for connection

1644
00:59:10,734 --> 00:59:11,853
when I do it to him. But when

1645
00:59:11,853 --> 00:59:12,920
he does it to me, I'm like, pay

1646
00:59:12,920 --> 00:59:14,539
attention. Fucking pay attention.

1647
00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:16,059
And I I

1648
00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:18,679
can't remember what was going on recently. I

1649
00:59:18,679 --> 00:59:19,179
was

1650
00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:22,219
not happy. I was stressed. I was something.

1651
00:59:22,440 --> 00:59:24,440
And next thing I know, JB is every

1652
00:59:24,440 --> 00:59:26,144
time he walks past me, he's touched me

1653
00:59:26,144 --> 00:59:28,065
just a little bit in a loving way.

1654
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,144
You know? There's the hand here. There's the

1655
00:59:30,144 --> 00:59:32,244
hand there. There's the kiss on the forehead.

1656
00:59:32,385 --> 00:59:32,885
I'm

1657
00:59:33,265 --> 00:59:35,204
a sucker for forehead kisses.

1658
00:59:37,184 --> 00:59:38,565
These little things. And

1659
00:59:38,864 --> 00:59:40,860
as they're happening, it's I'm not watching

1660
00:59:42,539 --> 00:59:44,300
lips when this is a big for connection.

1661
00:59:44,300 --> 00:59:45,360
I'm not doing that.

1662
00:59:46,460 --> 00:59:48,059
I'm weird, but I'm not that fucking weird.

1663
00:59:48,059 --> 00:59:49,500
But after the fact, I'm like, oh, that

1664
00:59:49,500 --> 00:59:50,860
was really sweet. Oh, that made me feel

1665
00:59:50,860 --> 00:59:52,720
better. Oh, that was a big for connection.

1666
00:59:53,900 --> 00:59:55,965
That's why I'm a dork for this shit.

1667
00:59:55,965 --> 00:59:56,465
Okay?

1668
00:59:57,965 --> 00:59:58,465
So

1669
00:59:58,765 --> 01:00:01,085
what I'm telling the whole point of that

1670
01:00:01,085 --> 01:00:01,585
tirade

1671
01:00:02,845 --> 01:00:06,605
is that if the bids for connection thing

1672
01:00:06,605 --> 01:00:07,105
resonates,

1673
01:00:08,765 --> 01:00:10,925
pay attention when you see your partner doing

1674
01:00:10,925 --> 01:00:13,180
it, when you realize what they've done. Think

1675
01:00:13,180 --> 01:00:15,180
about it in those terms because I say

1676
01:00:15,180 --> 01:00:17,019
that because when they throw that bit out

1677
01:00:17,019 --> 01:00:18,940
at you, your job is to catch it

1678
01:00:18,940 --> 01:00:20,320
and respond in some

1679
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:23,820
meaningful way. Meaningful does not mean necessarily big

1680
01:00:23,820 --> 01:00:25,840
production. It doesn't mean lots of effort.

1681
01:00:26,140 --> 01:00:27,644
It can be just acknowledging

1682
01:00:28,105 --> 01:00:28,925
a little bit,

1683
01:00:29,224 --> 01:00:32,025
smiling back at them, answering their question to

1684
01:00:32,025 --> 01:00:33,625
the extent that you can, like, whatever it

1685
01:00:33,625 --> 01:00:34,125
is.

1686
01:00:34,505 --> 01:00:35,005
That

1687
01:00:36,585 --> 01:00:37,805
that is what I mean.

1688
01:00:40,825 --> 01:00:41,159
So

1689
01:00:42,359 --> 01:00:43,339
I'm very

1690
01:00:44,920 --> 01:00:46,299
hot. Very hot.

1691
01:00:46,760 --> 01:00:47,559
In the,

1692
01:00:48,280 --> 01:00:50,359
live chat, Freckled Awesomeness is I wish I

1693
01:00:50,359 --> 01:00:51,799
could be the person who tells her partner

1694
01:00:51,799 --> 01:00:53,719
everything like that. Inner demons and mean brains

1695
01:00:53,719 --> 01:00:55,960
stop me. Let me promise you, I did

1696
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:57,795
not enter this relationship

1697
01:00:58,735 --> 01:01:00,755
like this. No. This was

1698
01:01:01,295 --> 01:01:02,835
years in the making.

1699
01:01:03,614 --> 01:01:04,114
Years.

1700
01:01:04,414 --> 01:01:05,474
And for some people,

1701
01:01:06,255 --> 01:01:08,094
you would need longer to maybe do it

1702
01:01:08,094 --> 01:01:09,855
naturally. If you have access to something like

1703
01:01:09,855 --> 01:01:10,355
therapy

1704
01:01:10,894 --> 01:01:12,380
that can help, I

1705
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:16,059
highly encourage that. But it is it is

1706
01:01:16,119 --> 01:01:18,119
years in the making. The way I am

1707
01:01:18,119 --> 01:01:19,339
with JV now,

1708
01:01:19,960 --> 01:01:22,119
we've known each other since the very end

1709
01:01:22,119 --> 01:01:24,759
of 2012. How does math work? Not like,

1710
01:01:24,759 --> 01:01:26,835
thirteen and a half years, I think, is

1711
01:01:26,835 --> 01:01:29,014
kind of what we're getting close to ish.

1712
01:01:29,315 --> 01:01:30,855
Mhmm. Say thirteen years.

1713
01:01:32,034 --> 01:01:33,414
The way I am now,

1714
01:01:34,755 --> 01:01:36,755
I wouldn't like this even five or six

1715
01:01:36,755 --> 01:01:39,730
years ago. Yeah. Like, every year, I get

1716
01:01:39,730 --> 01:01:41,030
a little more unhinged

1717
01:01:41,730 --> 01:01:43,829
because I feel a little bit safer.

1718
01:01:44,450 --> 01:01:46,769
Because what happens is I did the first

1719
01:01:46,769 --> 01:01:48,869
small scary thing of said one thing,

1720
01:01:49,650 --> 01:01:50,470
and he

1721
01:01:51,890 --> 01:01:54,805
accepted it. Right? And he continued to be

1722
01:01:54,805 --> 01:01:56,485
who he'd always been. And then at some

1723
01:01:56,485 --> 01:01:58,485
other point, I did the next thing that

1724
01:01:58,485 --> 01:01:59,224
was scary.

1725
01:01:59,684 --> 01:02:00,585
And scary

1726
01:02:02,325 --> 01:02:05,045
is subjective, of course. Sometimes it's saying what

1727
01:02:05,045 --> 01:02:08,325
you really think. Sometimes it's letting your silly

1728
01:02:08,325 --> 01:02:08,909
goofy side

1729
01:02:09,549 --> 01:02:11,469
out. JB is the one. We're gonna get

1730
01:02:11,469 --> 01:02:13,170
to this when we do the

1731
01:02:14,190 --> 01:02:14,690
neurodivergency

1732
01:02:15,230 --> 01:02:17,150
series. It is happening. I am working on

1733
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:17,650
it.

1734
01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:20,289
JB has lived through me unmasking,

1735
01:02:20,909 --> 01:02:22,275
and this man

1736
01:02:22,735 --> 01:02:26,094
deserves some hazard pay for that. Because he

1737
01:02:26,094 --> 01:02:26,914
watched me

1738
01:02:27,454 --> 01:02:29,635
look like I was a completely different person.

1739
01:02:30,655 --> 01:02:33,295
Now he sees he probably watches the mask

1740
01:02:33,295 --> 01:02:34,414
come right back on the moon. I gotta

1741
01:02:34,414 --> 01:02:36,014
leave the damn house. Because I am a

1742
01:02:36,014 --> 01:02:38,440
completely different person from that to how I

1743
01:02:38,440 --> 01:02:40,780
am at home. But we had hard conversations

1744
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:42,219
where he was like,

1745
01:02:43,160 --> 01:02:44,840
what happened? I mean, those are the words.

1746
01:02:44,840 --> 01:02:46,059
What happened to you?

1747
01:02:46,599 --> 01:02:48,440
You used to be able to fill in

1748
01:02:48,440 --> 01:02:50,039
the blank for the thing. And there that

1749
01:02:50,039 --> 01:02:51,400
was a whole journey that'll come out when

1750
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:52,840
we do that episode because we will be

1751
01:02:52,840 --> 01:02:53,804
doing that episode.

1752
01:02:55,465 --> 01:02:57,244
So there were years where

1753
01:02:58,824 --> 01:03:01,545
little by little, I let my real self

1754
01:03:01,545 --> 01:03:03,005
start to show. And then

1755
01:03:03,945 --> 01:03:05,545
now I live a life where it's actually

1756
01:03:05,545 --> 01:03:08,699
very uncomfortable to mask, but I definitely do

1757
01:03:09,179 --> 01:03:12,139
because the real world, I no. Don't like

1758
01:03:12,139 --> 01:03:12,639
her.

1759
01:03:15,179 --> 01:03:16,320
But yeah. I mean

1760
01:03:16,699 --> 01:03:18,559
so the person he got

1761
01:03:20,059 --> 01:03:21,519
was was just

1762
01:03:22,964 --> 01:03:25,204
I don't know. Was this a different shade

1763
01:03:25,204 --> 01:03:26,644
of the person he's got now? I don't

1764
01:03:26,644 --> 01:03:27,924
know. I don't know how to I don't

1765
01:03:27,924 --> 01:03:29,605
know what the metaphor is for that, but

1766
01:03:29,764 --> 01:03:31,304
so yeah. Different facet.

1767
01:03:31,764 --> 01:03:32,264
Something.

1768
01:03:32,804 --> 01:03:35,329
Toner ran out of ink. I don't know.

1769
01:03:35,329 --> 01:03:36,150
I don't know.

1770
01:03:36,930 --> 01:03:38,449
So for those of you who might feel

1771
01:03:38,449 --> 01:03:41,329
the way Freckled Awesomeness says, it's it's a

1772
01:03:41,329 --> 01:03:43,809
it's a forever and ever thing, and it's

1773
01:03:43,809 --> 01:03:44,869
a safety thing.

1774
01:03:45,170 --> 01:03:47,914
And it's a you start very small

1775
01:03:48,855 --> 01:03:50,695
with things that feel big in the moment,

1776
01:03:50,695 --> 01:03:52,775
and you'll look back like, oh, like, probably

1777
01:03:52,775 --> 01:03:53,974
the first time I let you hear me

1778
01:03:53,974 --> 01:03:55,894
snort when I was laughing was one of

1779
01:03:55,894 --> 01:03:58,394
those silly moments that were a little scary.

1780
01:03:58,775 --> 01:04:00,614
The serious moments are like when we have

1781
01:04:00,614 --> 01:04:02,719
a big hard conversation. Right? Or I I

1782
01:04:02,719 --> 01:04:03,219
confess

1783
01:04:03,519 --> 01:04:04,960
a thought I was having that I probably

1784
01:04:04,960 --> 01:04:06,500
would never have told another partner.

1785
01:04:07,119 --> 01:04:08,639
Shit. The first time I I as a

1786
01:04:08,639 --> 01:04:10,319
submissive had to tell my daddy dom that

1787
01:04:10,319 --> 01:04:11,839
he pissed me off. I didn't say it

1788
01:04:11,839 --> 01:04:13,940
like that, but we know what I meant.

1789
01:04:14,239 --> 01:04:17,085
That was tough. That was hard. That was

1790
01:04:17,085 --> 01:04:17,585
terrifying.

1791
01:04:18,684 --> 01:04:20,844
And he handled it as the person he

1792
01:04:20,844 --> 01:04:23,644
has always been. And I learned to his

1793
01:04:23,644 --> 01:04:26,065
detriment in that moment that it was safe

1794
01:04:26,125 --> 01:04:27,978
for me to say, you you done pissed

1795
01:04:27,978 --> 01:04:30,610
off. If I only knew. If I only

1796
01:04:30,610 --> 01:04:31,110
knew.

1797
01:04:33,570 --> 01:04:34,070
So

1798
01:04:36,050 --> 01:04:37,730
for anybody else who might feel like Freckle

1799
01:04:37,730 --> 01:04:39,494
Dawson missed it, just just know it is

1800
01:04:39,735 --> 01:04:40,235
possible.

1801
01:04:40,695 --> 01:04:41,195
Mhmm.

1802
01:04:42,135 --> 01:04:44,295
It's just not it's not a fast or

1803
01:04:44,295 --> 01:04:45,994
necessarily an easy thing. True.

1804
01:04:49,335 --> 01:04:50,775
So there we are. Yeah. Do you have

1805
01:04:50,775 --> 01:04:52,795
anything else you would add Mhmm. To reconnecting,

1806
01:04:53,095 --> 01:04:53,595
disconnect,

1807
01:04:54,135 --> 01:04:54,635
reconnect,

1808
01:04:55,219 --> 01:04:57,219
bids for connection? How many different ways can

1809
01:04:57,219 --> 01:04:58,119
I say connect?

1810
01:04:59,460 --> 01:05:00,519
Connect to cut.

1811
01:05:00,900 --> 01:05:03,079
I always don't remember how to spell Connecticut.

1812
01:05:06,420 --> 01:05:07,719
That is. That is.

1813
01:05:08,744 --> 01:05:10,605
That's how I remember how to spell Connecticut.

1814
01:05:11,065 --> 01:05:12,525
It's got connect right there.

1815
01:05:13,464 --> 01:05:13,964
Anyway.

1816
01:05:14,744 --> 01:05:15,244
Anyway.

1817
01:05:15,545 --> 01:05:16,844
Two bonus section.

1818
01:05:17,224 --> 01:05:17,964
Oh, okay.

1819
01:05:18,505 --> 01:05:18,824
So,

1820
01:05:19,385 --> 01:05:21,724
are we good? I have no fucking clue.

1821
01:05:23,599 --> 01:05:25,599
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you

1822
01:05:25,599 --> 01:05:27,460
next week for something else I can.

1823
01:05:35,964 --> 01:05:37,804
Potties. Yes. Baby girl. Can we talk to

1824
01:05:37,804 --> 01:05:40,125
the crickets? Sure. Okay. I need to sip

1825
01:05:40,125 --> 01:05:41,344
some of my Diet Coke.

1826
01:05:44,045 --> 01:05:45,964
You're doing a lot of talking. I you

1827
01:05:45,964 --> 01:05:47,244
know how I feel about some of these

1828
01:05:47,244 --> 01:05:48,844
topics. I know. Especially ones that come to

1829
01:05:48,844 --> 01:05:50,364
me at 11:00 at night while I'm falling

1830
01:05:50,364 --> 01:05:52,349
asleep. I was just really excited I fucking

1831
01:05:52,349 --> 01:05:54,269
remembered it in the morning. I was so

1832
01:05:54,269 --> 01:05:56,030
proud of me for remembering it in the

1833
01:05:56,030 --> 01:05:58,510
morning. Mhmm. I think the stupid walks from

1834
01:05:58,510 --> 01:06:00,369
my stupid mental health that I've been taking

1835
01:06:00,829 --> 01:06:03,549
are actually doing their job, which is so

1836
01:06:03,549 --> 01:06:05,764
fucking annoying. Why why why do people have

1837
01:06:05,764 --> 01:06:06,824
to be right about

1838
01:06:09,364 --> 01:06:11,605
what do you mean reading every book that

1839
01:06:11,605 --> 01:06:13,384
I can find and obsessively

1840
01:06:13,684 --> 01:06:16,710
scrolling Instagram reels is not what makes you

1841
01:06:16,710 --> 01:06:18,089
feel better. And

1842
01:06:18,550 --> 01:06:19,690
what do you mean?

1843
01:06:21,989 --> 01:06:24,150
No. I'm I'm going out walking several days

1844
01:06:24,150 --> 01:06:25,289
a week. Mhmm.

1845
01:06:25,590 --> 01:06:27,449
I'm back at the gym. Mhmm.

1846
01:06:28,550 --> 01:06:28,869
So

1847
01:06:30,074 --> 01:06:32,894
Yeah. I've noticed a difference myself even. So

1848
01:06:34,554 --> 01:06:36,255
Yeah. I mean, I I,

1849
01:06:37,594 --> 01:06:39,755
obsess over you. So I noticed I feel

1850
01:06:39,755 --> 01:06:40,894
like I noticed everything.

1851
01:06:41,275 --> 01:06:43,434
And to me, you have seemed more tired

1852
01:06:43,434 --> 01:06:43,934
recently.

1853
01:06:44,394 --> 01:06:45,135
I am.

1854
01:06:49,429 --> 01:06:50,969
I think I'm going through a shift.

1855
01:06:52,389 --> 01:06:54,589
Like I kinda explained before because there was

1856
01:06:54,589 --> 01:06:56,389
a reason I was waking up Yeah. Yeah.

1857
01:06:56,389 --> 01:06:57,909
Yeah. Yeah. Through the night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1858
01:06:57,909 --> 01:06:59,349
No. I I think you're right. I agree

1859
01:06:59,349 --> 01:07:01,355
with you on that. And and I think

1860
01:07:01,414 --> 01:07:03,275
my body has just become

1861
01:07:04,375 --> 01:07:06,135
it had gone on for long enough that

1862
01:07:06,135 --> 01:07:07,974
my body is just like, hey. Wake up.

1863
01:07:07,974 --> 01:07:09,255
Hey. Wake up. This is what we do.

1864
01:07:09,255 --> 01:07:11,195
Yeah. This is what we do. Yeah. Yeah.

1865
01:07:11,655 --> 01:07:12,155
Yeah.

1866
01:07:12,775 --> 01:07:13,275
Yep.

1867
01:07:14,510 --> 01:07:14,909
So

1868
01:07:15,869 --> 01:07:16,369
Yeah.

1869
01:07:17,869 --> 01:07:19,170
Our our thing

1870
01:07:19,550 --> 01:07:20,609
for our Patreon

1871
01:07:21,150 --> 01:07:23,230
behind the scenes podcast is if you sign

1872
01:07:23,230 --> 01:07:24,989
up for a Patreon, paid member, $2 a

1873
01:07:24,989 --> 01:07:26,369
month, oh, you can get that.

1874
01:07:27,184 --> 01:07:30,144
Last year, the focus of those episodes was

1875
01:07:30,144 --> 01:07:32,224
on how we were reconnecting in our power

1876
01:07:32,224 --> 01:07:35,344
exchange. Mhmm. And this year, that's technically the

1877
01:07:35,344 --> 01:07:37,505
focus, but the real focus is what we're

1878
01:07:37,505 --> 01:07:38,005
doing

1879
01:07:38,385 --> 01:07:40,005
for ourselves as individuals

1880
01:07:40,780 --> 01:07:42,619
that will help us be better in our

1881
01:07:42,619 --> 01:07:45,599
power change. And JB's been, like,

1882
01:07:46,059 --> 01:07:48,539
not always, like because that's what you wanted

1883
01:07:48,539 --> 01:07:49,900
to do, but he's doing a lot of

1884
01:07:49,900 --> 01:07:51,579
shit, like, checking shit off the list of,

1885
01:07:51,579 --> 01:07:52,914
like, okay. This part of my health, this

1886
01:07:52,914 --> 01:07:54,034
part of my health, this part of my

1887
01:07:54,034 --> 01:07:55,494
health. Yeah. So

1888
01:07:56,194 --> 01:07:57,634
and I'm over here, like, I guess I'll

1889
01:07:57,634 --> 01:07:58,855
go on a fucking walk.

1890
01:08:00,674 --> 01:08:02,454
And, you know, the funny thing is,

1891
01:08:03,554 --> 01:08:05,795
her and I, we cannot walk together. No.

1892
01:08:05,795 --> 01:08:08,639
We have tried. Anybody who remembers the 5AM

1893
01:08:08,639 --> 01:08:09,780
in the middle of the summer

1894
01:08:10,239 --> 01:08:13,599
walks. We try. Yep. It is We we

1895
01:08:13,599 --> 01:08:16,399
both have such different styles of walking. And

1896
01:08:16,399 --> 01:08:18,819
we need different things Yep. To, like, enjoy

1897
01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:20,179
the walk. Mhmm.

1898
01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:23,274
Yes. And we walk at completely different paces.

1899
01:08:23,274 --> 01:08:25,195
Yeah. I think his legs are shorter than

1900
01:08:25,195 --> 01:08:27,675
mine, but I promise you, he is gone.

1901
01:08:27,675 --> 01:08:29,515
And I'm over here like, oh, shit. I've

1902
01:08:29,515 --> 01:08:30,635
had to make up for it all, you

1903
01:08:30,635 --> 01:08:32,795
know, all my all my life chasing after

1904
01:08:32,795 --> 01:08:34,414
everybody. Goddamn it.

1905
01:08:35,930 --> 01:08:37,610
Look. I love that you were our short

1906
01:08:37,610 --> 01:08:39,850
king. Okay? I think it's fucking amazing. But

1907
01:08:39,850 --> 01:08:41,149
also, yeah. I get that.

1908
01:08:42,409 --> 01:08:43,710
Those long legged people,

1909
01:08:44,649 --> 01:08:46,329
they just don't care. They're not worried about

1910
01:08:46,329 --> 01:08:49,574
anybody keeping up with them. They're gone. They're

1911
01:08:49,574 --> 01:08:51,594
gone, man. Them strides and

1912
01:08:52,534 --> 01:08:54,314
whew. Eat up the ground. Yep.

1913
01:08:57,654 --> 01:08:58,154
Yeah.

1914
01:08:58,694 --> 01:08:59,194
So

1915
01:09:00,135 --> 01:09:02,534
we we do. We walk separately. Mhmm. We

1916
01:09:02,534 --> 01:09:04,199
work out separate. I don't like to be

1917
01:09:04,600 --> 01:09:07,900
perceived when I'm doing many things, but those

1918
01:09:08,119 --> 01:09:10,760
physical things like that are not don't don't

1919
01:09:10,760 --> 01:09:13,020
look at me, don't know that I exist.

1920
01:09:13,560 --> 01:09:15,320
I don't like it when JB perceives me

1921
01:09:15,320 --> 01:09:17,560
while I'm folding the fucking laundry. And

1922
01:09:18,119 --> 01:09:18,619
Yeah.

1923
01:09:21,435 --> 01:09:23,114
So yeah. I mean, there are things I

1924
01:09:23,114 --> 01:09:24,395
would like to do where I'm not in

1925
01:09:24,395 --> 01:09:26,875
a position to do them. I'm hoping that

1926
01:09:26,875 --> 01:09:28,414
can change at some point.

1927
01:09:30,475 --> 01:09:32,335
But, yeah, it's we're

1928
01:09:32,875 --> 01:09:33,515
we're each

1929
01:09:34,489 --> 01:09:36,729
so we're individually taking care of our health,

1930
01:09:36,729 --> 01:09:38,109
mental, physical, whatever.

1931
01:09:39,130 --> 01:09:41,289
As individuals, we are there for one another

1932
01:09:41,289 --> 01:09:42,409
when we need to be. So, like, I

1933
01:09:42,409 --> 01:09:44,090
go to most of your doctor's appointments. If

1934
01:09:44,090 --> 01:09:45,550
I were when I have doctor's appointments,

1935
01:09:46,010 --> 01:09:47,770
JB the only JB doesn't go to is

1936
01:09:47,770 --> 01:09:49,835
the gynecologist, which he could. I don't give

1937
01:09:49,835 --> 01:09:51,515
a fuck. I mean, I I have her

1938
01:09:51,515 --> 01:09:54,094
go to my appointments for a reason.

1939
01:09:54,954 --> 01:09:57,594
Well, we're both each other's emotional support spouses.

1940
01:09:57,594 --> 01:09:59,534
Right. Our blood pressure is better

1941
01:09:59,914 --> 01:10:01,755
when the other one's in no room with

1942
01:10:01,755 --> 01:10:02,255
us.

1943
01:10:03,400 --> 01:10:05,420
Yeah. But but I That's true. You know,

1944
01:10:06,119 --> 01:10:08,440
myself sometimes when I'm in a situation like

1945
01:10:08,440 --> 01:10:11,260
that, listening to doctor talk, I catch only,

1946
01:10:11,800 --> 01:10:14,280
you know, every other phrase, every other sentence.

1947
01:10:14,280 --> 01:10:17,114
Especially before your hearing aids. Yeah. And also

1948
01:10:17,114 --> 01:10:19,274
you'll forget some of your symptoms. And I'm

1949
01:10:19,514 --> 01:10:21,514
so I learned this with the the kids

1950
01:10:21,514 --> 01:10:22,795
when I take them to the doctor as

1951
01:10:22,795 --> 01:10:24,875
they've gotten older. Like, when they're little, you

1952
01:10:24,875 --> 01:10:27,274
as the adult speak for them because they're

1953
01:10:27,274 --> 01:10:28,414
too little for that.

1954
01:10:28,715 --> 01:10:31,375
But as they get older, doctors start trying

1955
01:10:31,594 --> 01:10:32,255
to talk

1956
01:10:32,689 --> 01:10:34,289
to the kid to get them to, like,

1957
01:10:34,289 --> 01:10:34,789
whatever.

1958
01:10:35,170 --> 01:10:35,829
And I,

1959
01:10:36,449 --> 01:10:38,770
had to learn at that stage to let

1960
01:10:38,770 --> 01:10:41,090
them say as much as they can and

1961
01:10:41,090 --> 01:10:41,989
only interfere

1962
01:10:42,850 --> 01:10:45,010
when the information is not forthcoming, which was

1963
01:10:45,010 --> 01:10:46,710
a lot is a lot for the youngest.

1964
01:10:46,770 --> 01:10:48,494
She's gotten a whole hell of a lot

1965
01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:49,235
better. Yeah.

1966
01:10:49,614 --> 01:10:52,494
But so I'm good at sitting back and

1967
01:10:52,494 --> 01:10:53,715
not saying much

1968
01:10:54,095 --> 01:10:56,095
in the office when he is there for

1969
01:10:56,095 --> 01:10:56,675
a doctor.

1970
01:10:57,215 --> 01:10:57,715
And,

1971
01:10:58,494 --> 01:11:00,095
because I know I get the vibe from

1972
01:11:00,095 --> 01:11:01,739
some of the doctors. They are waiting for

1973
01:11:01,739 --> 01:11:03,420
the wife to go, well, his date of

1974
01:11:03,420 --> 01:11:05,440
birth is this, and his this is this.

1975
01:11:05,739 --> 01:11:07,900
And I do know that information, but he

1976
01:11:07,900 --> 01:11:10,380
is capable human being. He can speak for

1977
01:11:10,380 --> 01:11:12,720
his fucking self. But then there'll be

1978
01:11:13,500 --> 01:11:14,000
this

1979
01:11:14,380 --> 01:11:17,020
me with this, like, tone going, oh, and

1980
01:11:17,020 --> 01:11:19,375
don't forget this symptom. And that'll be all

1981
01:11:19,375 --> 01:11:20,994
I say, and then I come back down.

1982
01:11:21,215 --> 01:11:23,135
And they're like, oh, and he goes, oh,

1983
01:11:23,135 --> 01:11:25,295
yeah. I'm like, yeah. Then that's when I

1984
01:11:25,295 --> 01:11:27,454
catch the doctor's eye. Like, that's why I'm

1985
01:11:27,454 --> 01:11:29,135
here. Okay? I'm not here to talk for

1986
01:11:29,135 --> 01:11:29,954
him, but

1987
01:11:30,335 --> 01:11:32,010
to fill in the blanks. Mhmm.

1988
01:11:32,869 --> 01:11:33,369
Yep.

1989
01:11:35,109 --> 01:11:36,329
So Yeah.

1990
01:11:37,270 --> 01:11:38,570
So, yeah, that's that's

1991
01:11:39,189 --> 01:11:41,430
all all of this is happening because it

1992
01:11:41,430 --> 01:11:43,430
needs to happen physically. JB needed to go

1993
01:11:43,430 --> 01:11:45,369
to the doctor for all of these things.

1994
01:11:45,670 --> 01:11:46,789
Yeah. But we

1995
01:11:48,045 --> 01:11:49,505
it's very easy, especially

1996
01:11:50,765 --> 01:11:53,164
especially in the American health care system where

1997
01:11:53,164 --> 01:11:54,845
going to the doctor is fucking expensive, and

1998
01:11:54,845 --> 01:11:56,204
it's really hard to get to a doctor

1999
01:11:56,204 --> 01:11:57,185
and all of that.

2000
01:11:57,645 --> 01:12:00,045
It's not uncommon for so many of us

2001
01:12:00,045 --> 01:12:01,550
to kind of put our health on the

2002
01:12:01,550 --> 01:12:03,710
back burner because nobody wants to go into

2003
01:12:03,710 --> 01:12:05,810
medical debt. Right? Nobody wants to be bankrupt

2004
01:12:05,949 --> 01:12:07,810
because went to the fucking hospital.

2005
01:12:08,430 --> 01:12:08,930
And

2006
01:12:10,590 --> 01:12:11,329
we have

2007
01:12:11,949 --> 01:12:14,109
to the extent that we can because money

2008
01:12:14,270 --> 01:12:16,164
finances are a real issue. Yeah.

2009
01:12:16,804 --> 01:12:17,704
We have

2010
01:12:18,404 --> 01:12:20,425
decided together and individually

2011
01:12:20,804 --> 01:12:21,304
that

2012
01:12:21,925 --> 01:12:23,545
to be able to show up

2013
01:12:24,005 --> 01:12:24,904
for our business,

2014
01:12:25,284 --> 01:12:26,185
for the kids,

2015
01:12:26,564 --> 01:12:27,545
for each other,

2016
01:12:28,005 --> 01:12:29,939
to the extent that we can and that

2017
01:12:30,020 --> 01:12:31,460
we have access. We have to take care

2018
01:12:31,460 --> 01:12:32,279
of our health.

2019
01:12:34,819 --> 01:12:37,560
I have a goal of getting my cholesterol

2020
01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:38,520
down,

2021
01:12:38,979 --> 01:12:40,819
and I would love to get off blood

2022
01:12:40,819 --> 01:12:43,515
pressure medicine. It's the smallest fucking pill I

2023
01:12:43,515 --> 01:12:47,283
take, though, like, of all the pills I

2024
01:12:47,283 --> 01:12:48,655
take. But, like,

2025
01:12:49,195 --> 01:12:50,015
that's just

2026
01:12:50,475 --> 01:12:52,795
so we we're putting the focus on that,

2027
01:12:52,795 --> 01:12:54,494
and then we're thinking of it

2028
01:12:54,954 --> 01:12:56,555
not just in terms of we'd like to

2029
01:12:56,555 --> 01:12:57,989
be around for a while

2030
01:12:58,470 --> 01:12:59,449
because, you know,

2031
01:13:00,390 --> 01:13:02,630
I'm still waiting on my super cool rock

2032
01:13:02,630 --> 01:13:04,409
for somebody to to give me.

2033
01:13:05,829 --> 01:13:07,430
But also because we want to be able

2034
01:13:07,430 --> 01:13:09,050
to show up in our power exchange

2035
01:13:09,670 --> 01:13:11,270
Excuse me. As well as we can, as

2036
01:13:11,270 --> 01:13:13,210
well as we're capable of. Alright.

2037
01:13:14,295 --> 01:13:16,715
But it is still very expensive.

2038
01:13:18,534 --> 01:13:20,635
It's very expensive to do.

2039
01:13:21,255 --> 01:13:22,954
But we're we're doing what we can.

2040
01:13:23,895 --> 01:13:25,034
Speaking of that

2041
01:13:25,734 --> 01:13:26,635
that and

2042
01:13:26,935 --> 01:13:28,800
from last week, we were talking about the

2043
01:13:28,800 --> 01:13:31,439
Kinkware Professionals, now granted every state and country

2044
01:13:31,439 --> 01:13:33,359
will be different. I'm speaking Mhmm. Terms of

2045
01:13:33,359 --> 01:13:35,119
The US because I know how US health

2046
01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:37,119
care system works. I went back and it

2047
01:13:37,119 --> 01:13:39,140
had been ages since I'd looked for Kinkware

2048
01:13:39,280 --> 01:13:41,439
therapists throughout the state of Florida. I looked

2049
01:13:41,600 --> 01:13:43,460
I've looked through the whole state now because

2050
01:13:43,600 --> 01:13:44,944
TeleMed being what it

2051
01:13:46,045 --> 01:13:48,284
is. Of the therapists that popped up, it

2052
01:13:48,284 --> 01:13:49,185
was probably

2053
01:13:49,724 --> 01:13:52,604
half that didn't take insurance and half that

2054
01:13:52,604 --> 01:13:53,104
did.

2055
01:13:53,645 --> 01:13:54,145
So

2056
01:13:54,604 --> 01:13:57,404
if you're in The US and you have

2057
01:13:57,404 --> 01:13:57,904
insurance,

2058
01:13:58,685 --> 01:14:00,939
and you're like, I'm sure I can't find

2059
01:14:00,939 --> 01:14:03,199
a Kinkaware therapist who will take insurance,

2060
01:14:03,659 --> 01:14:04,639
double check

2061
01:14:05,420 --> 01:14:07,039
because it's possible.

2062
01:14:07,420 --> 01:14:07,920
Yeah.

2063
01:14:09,179 --> 01:14:10,859
We actually have, like, a short list that

2064
01:14:10,859 --> 01:14:13,045
we get to go through and be like,

2065
01:14:13,824 --> 01:14:16,005
what? Could we actually do this?

2066
01:14:16,625 --> 01:14:19,425
How go get therapy through our insurance and

2067
01:14:19,425 --> 01:14:22,005
then be kink aware? Holy shit. Like, that's

2068
01:14:23,265 --> 01:14:25,345
old standard to me. Yeah. That that that's

2069
01:14:25,345 --> 01:14:25,845
a

2070
01:14:26,460 --> 01:14:28,640
pine sky dream right there. I know.

2071
01:14:29,900 --> 01:14:30,220
So

2072
01:14:32,460 --> 01:14:32,699
but

2073
01:14:33,659 --> 01:14:34,159
yeah.

2074
01:14:36,140 --> 01:14:37,979
Oh, and the live chat folks are talking

2075
01:14:37,979 --> 01:14:38,880
about who they

2076
01:14:39,715 --> 01:14:42,275
make the appointments for Mhmm. Kids or or

2077
01:14:42,275 --> 01:14:42,775
partners.

2078
01:14:44,195 --> 01:14:46,595
I had to stop making JB's appointments for

2079
01:14:46,595 --> 01:14:48,675
him because I was so overwhelmed with all

2080
01:14:48,675 --> 01:14:50,515
the life admin. I was like, I love

2081
01:14:50,515 --> 01:14:51,635
you so much. Because I used to. I

2082
01:14:51,635 --> 01:14:52,949
used to make all his appointments for him,

2083
01:14:52,949 --> 01:14:55,270
and I do call billing departments on his

2084
01:14:55,270 --> 01:14:57,610
behalf. Yeah. Our family,

2085
01:14:58,710 --> 01:14:59,530
like, gen

2086
01:15:01,030 --> 01:15:03,850
or PCP primary care physician, that whole office,

2087
01:15:04,070 --> 01:15:05,925
they know my voice very well at that

2088
01:15:05,925 --> 01:15:08,484
office, both scheduling and billing. Now I just

2089
01:15:08,484 --> 01:15:09,304
handle billing,

2090
01:15:10,645 --> 01:15:12,244
which thankfully we don't we don't have a

2091
01:15:12,244 --> 01:15:14,324
bill with them anymore Right. For now. Well

2092
01:15:14,645 --> 01:15:16,005
but I did have to kinda go, I'm

2093
01:15:16,005 --> 01:15:17,524
gonna need you to make your own appointment.

2094
01:15:17,524 --> 01:15:19,704
You you did because too much going on.

2095
01:15:20,100 --> 01:15:21,859
You you did because that,

2096
01:15:23,859 --> 01:15:26,020
you know, especially with all the appointments I've

2097
01:15:26,020 --> 01:15:28,279
had recently. Yeah. There's just

2098
01:15:28,739 --> 01:15:30,819
Yeah. Not enough. And I'm I'm I'm very

2099
01:15:30,819 --> 01:15:32,679
happy that's behind me now.

2100
01:15:33,460 --> 01:15:34,039
I know.

2101
01:15:34,685 --> 01:15:37,564
Talking about kids needing appointments made. Mhmm. The

2102
01:15:37,564 --> 01:15:38,064
oldest

2103
01:15:39,324 --> 01:15:41,645
has gotten to the point where he makes

2104
01:15:41,645 --> 01:15:43,725
his own appointments, but he does not make

2105
01:15:43,725 --> 01:15:45,984
the appointments he needs. What I mean is,

2106
01:15:46,204 --> 01:15:49,265
this child has dental insurance and vision insurance

2107
01:15:49,324 --> 01:15:51,260
now and health insurance.

2108
01:15:51,640 --> 01:15:53,720
The only appointment he makes for himself, and

2109
01:15:53,720 --> 01:15:56,140
I'm glad he does, is with his psychiatrist

2110
01:15:56,199 --> 01:15:59,159
so that his Adderall prescription can be refilled

2111
01:15:59,159 --> 01:15:59,899
each month.

2112
01:16:00,760 --> 01:16:03,135
But that took that was probably six months

2113
01:16:03,295 --> 01:16:04,734
to a year after he moved out, went

2114
01:16:04,734 --> 01:16:06,434
to college before he would make that appointment.

2115
01:16:06,574 --> 01:16:08,894
And he does still delay it. Like, he

2116
01:16:09,375 --> 01:16:10,114
Yeah. He

2117
01:16:11,295 --> 01:16:13,774
he does still delay it. Yeah. I think

2118
01:16:13,774 --> 01:16:16,347
I I will at least be walking through

2119
01:16:16,347 --> 01:16:16,454
the 16 year old making her own doctor's

2120
01:16:16,454 --> 01:16:16,561
appointments when she's, like, in her twenties. I

2121
01:16:16,561 --> 01:16:17,324
see that coming.

2122
01:16:18,810 --> 01:16:20,649
Making her own doctor's appointments when she's, like,

2123
01:16:20,649 --> 01:16:22,570
in her twenties. I see that coming. I

2124
01:16:22,570 --> 01:16:24,090
might be like, look. You're gonna hold the

2125
01:16:24,090 --> 01:16:26,170
phone, and you're gonna, like, dial, and I'll

2126
01:16:26,170 --> 01:16:27,470
tell you what to say.

2127
01:16:29,130 --> 01:16:30,649
But, you know, we do live in this

2128
01:16:30,649 --> 01:16:33,534
world of online portals now, and even I

2129
01:16:33,534 --> 01:16:36,194
use those for making appointments when I can.

2130
01:16:36,574 --> 01:16:37,074
So

2131
01:16:38,574 --> 01:16:39,074
yeah.

2132
01:16:41,534 --> 01:16:42,354
Part of

2133
01:16:42,814 --> 01:16:44,494
as I was talking about, you know, not

2134
01:16:44,494 --> 01:16:47,100
not trying not to speak for the kids

2135
01:16:47,100 --> 01:16:48,699
when they're in appointments so they can get

2136
01:16:48,699 --> 01:16:49,360
the experience.

2137
01:16:50,140 --> 01:16:53,439
The, youngest and I before every new doctor

2138
01:16:53,500 --> 01:16:55,979
that she's not comfortable with yet, we don't

2139
01:16:55,979 --> 01:16:57,820
know the vibe yet. I always before we

2140
01:16:57,820 --> 01:16:58,880
go in, I'm like,

2141
01:16:59,625 --> 01:17:01,064
how much do you want me to talk?

2142
01:17:01,064 --> 01:17:02,024
Like, do you want me to shut the

2143
01:17:02,024 --> 01:17:03,864
hell up? Do you want me to, you

2144
01:17:03,864 --> 01:17:04,364
know,

2145
01:17:05,064 --> 01:17:06,185
do you want me to follow the lead?

2146
01:17:06,185 --> 01:17:07,885
Do you want me to just be prepared?

2147
01:17:08,024 --> 01:17:10,505
And we have those conversations now. But as

2148
01:17:10,505 --> 01:17:11,564
she's gotten older,

2149
01:17:12,265 --> 01:17:15,179
her most recent doctor's appointment, brand new doctor,

2150
01:17:16,599 --> 01:17:19,239
and she carried that conversation. It was ice

2151
01:17:19,719 --> 01:17:22,039
again, I added the details that were getting

2152
01:17:22,039 --> 01:17:22,539
forgotten,

2153
01:17:23,319 --> 01:17:25,260
but I just sat back.

2154
01:17:25,639 --> 01:17:26,779
So Mhmm.

2155
01:17:27,164 --> 01:17:30,364
Confidence building is a beautiful thing. It is.

2156
01:17:30,364 --> 01:17:31,505
It is. So

2157
01:17:33,164 --> 01:17:36,125
That it is. Freckled Austin is, coming in

2158
01:17:36,125 --> 01:17:38,045
live chat. I found I finally found one.

2159
01:17:39,310 --> 01:17:42,050
Kinko ware therapist. First appointment next week. Congrats.

2160
01:17:42,510 --> 01:17:44,029
I hope they are a fit. I hope

2161
01:17:44,029 --> 01:17:46,270
they're amazing for you. That's awesome. And Taysh,

2162
01:17:46,270 --> 01:17:48,429
she was talking about chiropractor doesn't take insurance,

2163
01:17:48,429 --> 01:17:51,069
and he charges a flat $45 rate. I

2164
01:17:51,069 --> 01:17:52,449
don't know what their chiropractor

2165
01:17:53,244 --> 01:17:55,085
charges now, but when we were going to

2166
01:17:55,085 --> 01:17:56,704
a chiropractor a few years ago,

2167
01:17:57,405 --> 01:17:59,025
they just didn't take our insurance.

2168
01:17:59,645 --> 01:18:01,405
They do take insurance because they also do

2169
01:18:01,405 --> 01:18:04,045
physical therapy, but those visits were $35 a

2170
01:18:04,045 --> 01:18:06,204
pop. Yeah. The first one was 35, and

2171
01:18:06,204 --> 01:18:08,130
everything after that was 30 or something like

2172
01:18:08,130 --> 01:18:10,530
that. Mhmm. And yeah. Yeah. It was it

2173
01:18:10,530 --> 01:18:11,350
was relatively

2174
01:18:11,729 --> 01:18:13,090
You were going a couple times a week

2175
01:18:13,090 --> 01:18:14,449
there for a while. I was going once

2176
01:18:14,449 --> 01:18:15,750
a week for a while. Yeah.

2177
01:18:17,250 --> 01:18:17,750
The

2178
01:18:18,210 --> 01:18:19,909
we don't wanna change our doctor,

2179
01:18:20,685 --> 01:18:24,005
but the model of doctor's offices, I'm kind

2180
01:18:24,005 --> 01:18:26,204
of I'm really intrigued by, and we're using

2181
01:18:26,204 --> 01:18:27,344
it for something else,

2182
01:18:28,204 --> 01:18:29,425
is direct

2183
01:18:30,125 --> 01:18:32,399
direct primary care, direct something care.

2184
01:18:32,880 --> 01:18:35,439
It's where you pay kind of, like, a

2185
01:18:35,439 --> 01:18:38,079
membership fee and a monthly amount to your

2186
01:18:38,079 --> 01:18:39,060
doctor's office.

2187
01:18:40,239 --> 01:18:41,840
It and it doesn't go through insurance, and

2188
01:18:41,840 --> 01:18:44,159
you just make your appointment and you don't

2189
01:18:44,159 --> 01:18:46,640
pay for the appointment because you've paid the

2190
01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:47,140
monthly

2191
01:18:47,954 --> 01:18:50,194
membership fee or subscription fee or whatever it's

2192
01:18:50,194 --> 01:18:51,474
called. You might have to go have to

2193
01:18:51,474 --> 01:18:52,994
pay for labs. You might have to, you

2194
01:18:52,994 --> 01:18:53,494
know,

2195
01:18:53,875 --> 01:18:55,154
pay if you have to go to another

2196
01:18:55,154 --> 01:18:55,974
kind of doctor.

2197
01:18:57,395 --> 01:18:59,974
That's amazing because the good ones,

2198
01:19:00,435 --> 01:19:02,454
fee's not too freaking crazy.

2199
01:19:03,150 --> 01:19:04,210
You get longer

2200
01:19:04,670 --> 01:19:05,810
time with your doctor.

2201
01:19:07,150 --> 01:19:09,470
The situation we were in with that kind

2202
01:19:09,470 --> 01:19:12,030
of direct primary I think it's direct primary

2203
01:19:12,030 --> 01:19:12,530
care,

2204
01:19:12,989 --> 01:19:13,970
is what it's called.

2205
01:19:14,510 --> 01:19:16,270
We had an hour in there with that

2206
01:19:16,270 --> 01:19:17,074
doctor. New

2207
01:19:18,335 --> 01:19:19,854
patient, a whole new thing. We had a

2208
01:19:19,854 --> 01:19:21,614
lot to go over, but that was fucking

2209
01:19:21,614 --> 01:19:24,095
amazing. Yeah. The only reason we get thirty

2210
01:19:24,095 --> 01:19:26,015
minutes with our primary care is because they

2211
01:19:26,015 --> 01:19:28,414
schedule us together back to back, so we

2212
01:19:28,414 --> 01:19:30,895
just overlap one another and take our whole

2213
01:19:30,895 --> 01:19:31,590
thirty minutes.

2214
01:19:33,590 --> 01:19:35,189
So, yeah, if, like, if we didn't have

2215
01:19:35,189 --> 01:19:37,189
insurance or if we did not love our

2216
01:19:37,189 --> 01:19:38,170
primary care,

2217
01:19:38,630 --> 01:19:40,969
I would a 100% look into that,

2218
01:19:41,670 --> 01:19:43,989
because the the only hard part is when

2219
01:19:43,989 --> 01:19:45,625
you'd, like you're a couple and it's you're

2220
01:19:45,625 --> 01:19:46,984
paying for this person, you're paying for that

2221
01:19:46,984 --> 01:19:48,125
person, whatever whatever.

2222
01:19:49,784 --> 01:19:50,284
But

2223
01:19:51,064 --> 01:19:53,564
Yeah. It doesn't mean you don't still need

2224
01:19:53,704 --> 01:19:55,885
insurance because for big stuff or specialists,

2225
01:19:56,505 --> 01:19:58,685
probably, you know, you would. But

2226
01:19:59,170 --> 01:20:02,390
it's it's an intriguing model. Mhmm. It is.

2227
01:20:02,770 --> 01:20:03,270
So

2228
01:20:06,609 --> 01:20:07,109
But

2229
01:20:07,970 --> 01:20:10,390
anyway I I had an understanding too. And

2230
01:20:10,930 --> 01:20:12,229
a number of years ago,

2231
01:20:14,425 --> 01:20:16,284
I had heard that a lot of,

2232
01:20:17,304 --> 01:20:19,645
therapists and and whatnot were leaving these

2233
01:20:20,024 --> 01:20:20,925
bigger companies

2234
01:20:21,385 --> 01:20:21,885
Mhmm.

2235
01:20:22,265 --> 01:20:25,404
Because they felt that they were too, hobbled

2236
01:20:25,784 --> 01:20:26,670
by the insurance.

2237
01:20:27,069 --> 01:20:28,590
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I see a lot

2238
01:20:28,590 --> 01:20:30,750
of people online talking about that. Yeah. And

2239
01:20:30,750 --> 01:20:33,070
and they've left open up their own Mhmm.

2240
01:20:33,229 --> 01:20:34,909
Practice. They don't take insurance. They're a little

2241
01:20:34,989 --> 01:20:37,710
you know, but But not all, obviously, but

2242
01:20:37,710 --> 01:20:38,805
many offer sliding

2243
01:20:39,604 --> 01:20:41,784
sliding fee, sliding scale fee. I can't remember

2244
01:20:42,085 --> 01:20:43,545
what the term is. But, basically,

2245
01:20:43,925 --> 01:20:45,685
they have their amount, and then you can

2246
01:20:45,685 --> 01:20:46,265
be like,

2247
01:20:46,805 --> 01:20:48,645
it's possible to get a discount for being

2248
01:20:48,645 --> 01:20:49,145
broke.

2249
01:20:50,405 --> 01:20:52,164
That's how we were able to get the

2250
01:20:52,164 --> 01:20:53,465
youngest into therapy

2251
01:20:53,960 --> 01:20:55,960
when we did. We we were oh my

2252
01:20:55,960 --> 01:20:58,460
god. Broke is a fucking joke. We

2253
01:20:59,000 --> 01:21:01,340
my mom gave me the money for

2254
01:21:01,800 --> 01:21:04,600
the youngest, like, first six months of therapy,

2255
01:21:04,600 --> 01:21:06,360
and that's how we started. And then by

2256
01:21:06,360 --> 01:21:09,305
the time she was in, we've, like,

2257
01:21:10,085 --> 01:21:11,685
figured it all out of how we could

2258
01:21:11,685 --> 01:21:12,344
do it.

2259
01:21:13,045 --> 01:21:13,545
But

2260
01:21:14,324 --> 01:21:14,824
yeah.

2261
01:21:15,524 --> 01:21:17,204
And that was with a discount. Like, their

2262
01:21:17,204 --> 01:21:19,045
normal fee was, like, a 100 and some

2263
01:21:19,045 --> 01:21:21,685
odd dollars a session, and the we got

2264
01:21:21,685 --> 01:21:23,145
it, like, down to 80.

2265
01:21:24,020 --> 01:21:24,600
I don't

2266
01:21:26,260 --> 01:21:26,920
know. But

2267
01:21:27,699 --> 01:21:28,199
yeah.

2268
01:21:30,100 --> 01:21:30,600
So

2269
01:21:32,899 --> 01:21:36,340
insurance sucks. Mhmm. You can. Health care when

2270
01:21:36,340 --> 01:21:38,420
it's good, it's great. Mhmm. Health care when

2271
01:21:38,420 --> 01:21:39,585
it's not, man, that shit

2272
01:21:41,664 --> 01:21:43,425
sucks too. Yeah. Yeah. I've gotta I've gotta

2273
01:21:43,425 --> 01:21:45,505
find a new dentist office and a a

2274
01:21:45,505 --> 01:21:46,404
new gynecologist.

2275
01:21:47,024 --> 01:21:48,484
I still haven't done that.

2276
01:21:48,864 --> 01:21:50,965
And I need to do it before my

2277
01:21:51,505 --> 01:21:54,704
prescriptions start running out. Yeah. It took what?

2278
01:21:54,704 --> 01:21:55,500
Two, three years

2279
01:22:08,255 --> 01:22:08,755
Anyhoo.

2280
01:22:10,414 --> 01:22:12,274
Probably should go. Yeah.

2281
01:22:12,814 --> 01:22:15,215
Probably should. I got gotta work on dinner.

2282
01:22:15,215 --> 01:22:16,814
Yeah. It's in the crock pot, and I'm

2283
01:22:16,895 --> 01:22:19,234
I need to do, like, the last step

2284
01:22:19,454 --> 01:22:21,579
for the last hour of cooking. And it's

2285
01:22:21,579 --> 01:22:23,420
almost, time for me to feed the fur

2286
01:22:23,420 --> 01:22:24,239
babies too.

2287
01:22:24,939 --> 01:22:27,340
They have not started crying as if they're

2288
01:22:27,340 --> 01:22:30,060
starving yet. So why? Not yet. So that's

2289
01:22:30,060 --> 01:22:30,880
that's a plus.

2290
01:22:31,180 --> 01:22:33,260
We should go before they start as well.

2291
01:22:33,260 --> 01:22:33,760
Yeah.

2292
01:22:34,300 --> 01:22:35,911
Okay. Oh, I'm I have say I'm very

2293
01:22:35,911 --> 01:22:38,465
grateful for the fan. Yeah. It's not sweltering

2294
01:22:38,524 --> 01:22:39,585
in here. No. No.

2295
01:22:40,364 --> 01:22:42,524
Okay. I guess we'll go. Mhmm. Thank you

2296
01:22:42,524 --> 01:22:44,524
all for being here. Yep. Especially to the

2297
01:22:44,524 --> 01:22:47,244
bitter end. Especially for the most random part

2298
01:22:47,244 --> 01:22:48,944
of the Yeah. The whole thing.

2299
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:50,465
We

2300
01:22:50,770 --> 01:22:52,229
appreciate you. We love our crickets.

2301
01:22:53,010 --> 01:22:55,250
We will see y'all next week. Mhmm. Okay.

2302
01:22:55,250 --> 01:22:56,229
Bye. Bye.