You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode
four seventy five. K. The Lord's here with
the one, the only,
the you hurt yourself as often as I
hurt myself. Who is the klutz among us?
John Brownstone.
I know.
I yeah.
Every time I turn around, there's something There's
a new wrong with a finger. A new
scratch. Yeah. Yeah.
You're a bleeder. So,
I'm glad you're okay, but also, what the
hell, man? You're just scratches.
That's too bloody to me to be just
a scratch, but okay. It's too soon when
I had my lawn business. No. Thank you.
No. Thank you.
That has nothing to do with anything for
us. That's just
our chaotic randomness.
This week, we're answering
the questions that we received from y'all over
on Instagram and maybe YouTube that we're time
traveling now. So I'm not a 100% sure
about YouTube, but we'll all find out together.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and
Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and
show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
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You can also follow the show on FetLife
at loving BDSMPC,
on Instagram and technically threads at that handle
I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s
and the number one. So at loving d
s one.
I hate it.
Blue sky at loving BDSM dot whatever the
hell else the Blue Sky handle has. Or
on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm,
where you can watch us live stream the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes.
Okay.
Before
we,
get into these questions,
I have a fun little announcement to make.
I am so
excited to actually make this and that's not
what I meant to do. I hit the
wrong button.
Okay. Cool.
The announcement is is that all of our
fundraisers,
we had two going on simultaneously in case
you were uncertain, for the Campaign for Southern
Equality,
an organization that helps southern LGBTQ plus,
folk
because we happen to live in hellscapes where
our states are just continuously trying to take
away the rights of trans folks and all
other LGBTQ
folks.
We did fundraisers for them. So
one was when we ran through the month
of February. How the fuck is it March
now? I don't even know.
And that ended
through YouTube.
And then we ran a fundraiser where we
donated 5% of the
gross revenue
from our kinky Valentine's Day sale through the
kinkery.
And so I finally gathered everything the fuck
together for the past, like, twenty four hours.
And through YouTube,
$401
was donated to the Campaign for Southern Equality.
Thank you to everybody on YouTube who donated.
We really appreciate it. Yeah. And through Kinkery
sales,
it was a $134,
and then we paid the card processing fee.
So it came out to, like, 138 and
some change or whatever.
So, yeah, over $500
went to Nice. Campaign for Southern Equality. That
is the amount $500
is one of the travel grants that they
will give to
trans people and or their family if they're
a minor
to help them leave their state to get,
medical care.
So we have been the, recipients
of those grants. We're very appreciative.
Life would look a little different if we
had not found out about that and had
not received that.
And so we are happy to be able
to give back.
Other fundraisers will come up through the year.
We've already JB and I have already talked
about that between the two of us. There
are other organizations we wanna support, but I'm
pretty sure we're gonna keep coming back to
Campaign for Southern Equality as well. So
thank you to everybody. Whether you purchased something
through the kinkery or you donated through,
YouTube or you just, like, gave us your
time, attention, and told somebody we exist so
that maybe they were the ones who, like,
found us and did the thing, we appreciate
you completely, completely.
So yay.
Okay.
Questions. I just double checked YouTube. There's no
questions on I put a post up on
the community tab in YouTube,
which my experience I know this is not
true for every YouTuber.
That is the most useless fucking thing that
YouTube lets us do.
If our videos are barely seen by our
own audience, the community posts,
even less so. Yeah. So all of the
questions that we have are,
through Instagram
depending on how quickly we get through these.
And a couple of these, I picked them,
said, yeah. We'll go ahead and answer, knowing
that the answer is we cannot help you.
But here, maybe we can point you to
where you can get some help. Right.
If we feel like we have time or
feel like we still have energy, we may
turn to the YouTube live chat to take
questions. Do not count on that, but we
might do it. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. First question.
Mhmm.
I'm a soft dom. My wife wants a
hard dom. Any tips?
Oh. Not sure on that. That's
Would you like my immediate thoughts? Yeah. Let's
see. Yeah.
Have you defined for your self what soft
dom means, and has your wife defined for
herself
what she means by a hard dom? Is
it specific kinks?
Is it specific actions?
Is it a tone of voice? Is it
a type
of rule making or task setting or accountability
that your sub maybe wants to have to
you?
Whatever those things are,
have y'all discuss them in detail
specifics, instead of hard dom, soft dom?
And of any of those things, are those
things you, as the dom, are you willing
to do? Are you curious about? Does it
interest you? Would you do it just to
make your, you know, wife happy, which is
a perfectly acceptable reason to do something?
I do see this is a time
where I think
sometimes the general terms are a little unhelpful.
We already know I don't love these general
terms, although I do know they are helpful
to folks and labels are personal. You get
to use whatever you want. But what what
do you mean by soft dom and hard
dom? What does she mean by soft dom,
hard dom?
And then kinda screw that. What are the
specific Drill drill down into it. Right. What
are the details? Because it's very possible. She
doesn't want a hard dom, you know,
air quote that with big title. She wants
you to do
a thing or a couple of things
very specific.
Or and once you know what the specifics
are, then you get to decide,
am I even willing to do that? And
then you can negotiate back and forth or
you can go learn about a thing together
or you can try it out in a
scene or, you know, plan a role play
or whatever,
and then you're making decisions and without having
to change the core of who you are.
Because the tip is
if you are a soft dom and your
partner wants something that you inherently
are not,
everybody's about to be unhappy. Mhmm. But let's
that's not a useful conversation.
Let's talk about exactly what she wants, the
actions, the details. She's going to have to
say, I want this. I want to experience
this. I saw this thing and it intrigued
me.
And then you then there's a conversation. Right.
Yeah. Yeah. Because when you say, well, I'm
this and and she wants that,
how do we reconcile that? You kind of
don't.
But
get down to the nitty gritty, and now
you're talking about actions that may or may
not be able to be negotiated within your
existing power exchange. Mhmm. Within your existing power
exchange.
Mhmm. Good point. Do you have any other
thoughts? Nope.
I know. I know. I told you I
woke up grumpy from my not a nap.
I wish it had been a nap. Could
I get a REM cycle? Believe me. I
I I felt so bad
having to disturb your nap. You didn't disturb
me. I promise. But I did had to
know one way or the other. No. You
did not. You actually
I was already drifting in and out, out,
and I kept my head kept jolting because
my I kept turning my head kept falling,
so my neck was hurting, and then my
neck would hurt, and I jolt up. So
it was not you. It's fine. It's fine.
And the whole time you're doing that, I'm
running around doing stuff. You were doing all
kinds. I had done my things already. Yeah.
I hadn't done mine.
Next question.
How do I initiate play as a sub
slash flirt with my dom without topping from
the bottom?
I think that's probably easier than they think.
Right. Because I'm I'm gonna go back to
define your term. What do you think? What
do y'all think topping from the bottom is?
Because letting your partner know that you're interested
in something is not topping from the bottom.
No. Making your desires clear, not topping from
the bottom. As long as
desires clear, not topping from the bottom. As
long as the dom still gets to make
the choice Right. You have not topped from
the bottom.
That's right.
But that being said, what are things that
what are
what are things that what are approaches you,
JV,
appreciate, like, or have noticed that
help for you?
I know for me, a lot of times,
it's
how you touch.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay?
There there are certain ways you touch
that, indicate.
Like, not when I smack them up against
the back
of the head, which I would never actually
do. Never actually do. Not unless what I
really want is for it to be a
miserable time for both of them. Yeah. Would
never do that.
Yeah. I mean,
what else? What else? Wait. What else? God,
I don't know. Tends to be with tones.
You know the tone of my voice very
well. The tone I'm using now, you would
not No. Think that I was being playful
or flirty. No.
No.
No. But there are other ways that I
but and part of that is we know
one another. Mhmm. You know, so we know
each other's habits. We know how each other
responds to stuff.
You you also become very,
lighthearted, very playful Yes. At times. Yes. And
I I think
with you, I I can do that, will
do that without really thinking about it. It
took a hot minute to get there because
it's a trust and safety thing.
So for a submissive who wants to initiate
play flirt,
if if it is receptive from your dom,
lean into the playfulness.
Now that all being said, I only asked
JB to share what works on him to
just give a couple of ideas. Truly, I'm
gonna give you the most boring answer.
What I want you to do is to
say, hey, Dom.
Can we
have a not, like, super serious our relationship
is in trouble kind of conversation, but, like,
can we have a conversation about something I
would like to know what you'd like me
to do. Right? It could be, maybe y'all
do check ins at some regular time. Cool.
Maybe y'all just talk about the state of
your,
power exchange as you need. Whatever. But
make sure that you are talking to them
when everything is calm, when they are in
a headspace to be able to focus on
you. Might not even be that long of
a conversation. It might be forty five seconds.
Okay?
But I want you to ask your dom
this question. Mhmm. I wanna be able to
flirt with you. I wanna let you know
that I'm into it.
Mhmm. What are some things I can do?
Or here are some things I thought of.
How would you take those? Because our, our
that's not topping from the bottom. Could even
if I would disagree with them, could be
somebody else's topping from the bottom. And for
a while, if you remember correctly, we haven't
used it in a in a hot minute,
but,
there we used to have a code phrase
for you
when you wanted a or needed a spanking.
Oh, sure. That was a that was a,
I was anxious spanking. That was not a
I want a scene spanking.
What I the thing I I'm what I'm
trying to get across here is instead of
guess
guessing and hoping that you do it right
and that it lands, just ask your partner,
you know, or
say I had this thought. How would how
would you take that if I did this
thing? Like whatever behavior. And somebody in the
live chat mentioned, don't underestimate the power of
going, hey. Can we have a scene?
Mhmm. Yeah. Plain and simple.
Over the years as I've gotten
way more comfortable,
clearly Mhmm. I just go, can you just
spank me? Can, like, can you just beat
my ass, please?
I do think that's the,
air quote flirting of
a relationship that's got some longevity to it.
Sometimes you just don't fuck around and you
go, what can we do this fucking thing?
I've got ten minutes. Do you have ten
minutes? We're not exhausted.
Nobody's in pain. Can we? Can we can
we?
But, you know, there's no reason this is
there's no reason to walk around guessing if
you try to do a thing. Will it
upset your partner or will they get you
know, will they pick up what you're putting
down? Right?
So talk about what flirting or being playful
feels like from your perspective
and find out if your partner is receptive
to that. There are dogs out there who
are not. They they want to initiate.
They don't you know, it it they have
feelings about
their sub
making it clear what they want. That's not
a dynamic I could be in. I don't
think it's a dynamic that the majority
of kinksters can be in, but that is
a thing and those are there are dynamics
out there like that. But most of the
time, I think I think any partner is
gonna be like, oh, you have a way
of letting me know that you're down for
whatever we could do and that you're in
the mood and you're like, we could have
a good time. I I
just if you're not if you don't feel
confident that you could just do it and
it it would be well received,
then have a conversation about it. And yeah,
it's gonna feel awkward.
That's all of this feels awkward
for the first time. But this is to
me a very,
nonthreatening
way to get some communication practice in because
you're literally saying, how can I as a
submissive approach you
as your submissive
to let you know
that I'm down for whatever? Right? Or that
I want a specific scene or, hey. Let's
play. I mean, god. Just, hey. Can we
play this truly? I've not maybe play, but
that's not usually a word I use with
JB,
but something to the effect of, daddy, can
we play tonight?
It is always still his decision. I can
say it in a less grumpy tone than
I just used. I could say it in
a playful way,
but I'm I'm not the decision maker he
is, and then we go from there. So
don't overthink it.
Ask questions
Mhmm. That give your dom the ability to
make the decision and or have a conversation
about it, about these thoughts you're having in
your head. Mhmm.
Just saying. It's the boring answer, but, you
know.
Yep.
Okay.
Next one. Alright.
Of course, this question is not specific to
kink, but,
nonmonogamy is very not very common, but it
is a thing that happens within kink. So
here we go. What are the best ways
to find additional partners when trying to start
in polyamory?
I would say probably get involved with your
community. See what's out in your community with
groups.
You know,
they may not have polyamorous specific groups, but
even at munches there could be people who
There are often people who are Right. Who
are also poly.
So, you know, look look for your your
local community
and and see if there is a poly
community, you know, that that has any kind
of get togethers. Yeah. In large enough areas,
you can often find the poly and kinky.
That Venn diagram being a circle, you can
find those folks. Mhmm. And they'll be meeting
up. Yeah. I know. When lived in Bay
Area, they had Mhmm.
You know, regular munchers. They had poly meet
and greets and all kinds of different things
that went on. The thing that comes to
my mind, I would not know what to
do myself, so I cannot offer any, like,
practical advice, but I know what's out there.
I believe the app is Field, f e
e l d.
It's kink. It's nonmonogamy.
It's kind of, like,
in a way, everybody is sort of welcome.
What I would do on
on a bio or on any place where
you get to
kinda let people know
who you are and where you you know,
what you're looking for and
also make it clear you're you're new to
nonmonogamy.
You know? You say I'm seeking a partner.
I'm try I'm learning about this as we
go. Because some people will a 100% avoid
a newbie. They don't want to train. Kinksters
are like that too. Some people avoid a
brand new dom or a brand new sub.
That's not what they want to do. Others,
the non creepy ones, ideally, they're like, okay.
Cool. I'm, you know, I'm okay with that.
I don't mind somebody being new to it
because, you know, then they don't come in
with too many preconceived notions,
ideally, in a perfect world.
But that would be the thing I would
say is wherever you're going to meet meet
people, if you're doing a dating app, if
you're online, if you're
you find you're in a a large enough,
you know, metropolitan
area or regional area with those kinds of
groups, just be open about, you know, your
experience level. Do not pretend to be somebody
you are not.
Yeah. I would also
go if you are already in a relationship
with somebody else and, you know, you're opening
up in this way, like, you're going to
seek an additional partner hope hoping to meet
somebody,
I would be having conversations with your existing
partner about,
what you think it's going to look like.
I say what you think it's going to
look like because once you're in it, you're
gonna realize for yourself what it actually will
be like. And sometimes it doesn't match what
you thought. But the more you can start
having these conversations now with an existing partner,
ideally, they will they will be easier to
have
as things come up.
If you are new into nonmonogamy,
please please go learn as much as you
can.
Oh gosh.
Is the account polyphilia?
Poly? I can see it in my head.
The their logo is yellow.
On social media, I'm on Instagram, but I
promise you they're on TikTok. They're on
Blue Sky, they're on wherever.
There are
creators who are poly and who educate on
it.
I would be looking up by like,
what? Hashtags.
Non monogamy,
open relationships,
polyamory, see who's out there talking about it,
and I would try to find resources that
are credible Mhmm.
And learn from them. The credible ones are
the ones who are not blowing smoke up
your ass that this will be the easiest
thing you've ever done. Mhmm.
Those are full of fucking shit probably selling
you something.
The best creators I've seen who talk about
nonmonogamy
will tell you how fucking hard it can
be and how much you're about to learn
about yourself, and they're gonna tell you, hey.
You're about about to feel jealousy or insecurity
or some negative shit you didn't mean to
feel, and that is normal, and here's how
to get through it. So
yeah. While you're looking for additional partners, please
be educating yourself as much as possible.
But Yeah. That's
that's what I would say. There you go.
I do think field is probably not the
only if I'm remembering correct correctly, that field
Yeah. Is,
an I know there used to be a
lot of different There were. And I we
worked with a couple of them and I've
I've not kept up with any of them
anymore. Some of those apps kinda come and
go. So if you are seek you're looking
at apps,
see who's out there. Mhmm.
Okay.
This one, I did not know how to
answer. Okay. Like, I don't have an answer
for this person's question, but I still put
it in because I wanted to be able
to go, I don't have an answer for
you.
Bless you.
Okay. Alright.
It's out of the system. The question is,
do you think the kink community would benefit
from, I think I'm saying it correctly, Reiki
Mhmm. Healing privately and at events. Would the
kink community,
benefit from that?
I'm I'm not quite sure. I've heard
of
I think Reiki?
I've never said it out loud. I've only
ever read it, so I don't know. I
have heard of it, but I am not
familiar with what it is.
I'm gonna be very derivative, and I apologize
for that. But I just want to
this is how it has
people who are not who do not do
it, how they
how I it has been described
in a way
no. I won't do that. I'll do that
off. I'm not gonna I'm not trying to
offend anybody. I'll tell you how
somebody has described it to me. It's kinda
a little pejorative,
so that you would understand what the hell
it is. Here's the reason I put that
in. I don't have a fucking opinion about
that. I don't know anything about it. I've
never participated in it. I don't I don't
have an opinion other than I have a
very loose
idea of what it
looks like from the little bit I might
have accidentally seen online.
What I will tell a person who's thinking
about this
is
offer it to your kink community as a
service or bring somebody in that you know.
Maybe you've benefited from it and you're like,
man, I think kinksters could really use this.
Okay,
so
start talking about it online.
Whether you do it through social media or
a YouTube channel or whatever, a podcast,
start creating
content about why you think it matters.
If you,
are in an area where you have access
to a local community, go talk to the
people who host munches or who who put
together workshops and where and I say put
together, they're usually people who host a workshop
and they'll be like, hey. We brought such
and such person in today, and go suggest
it to them.
Right? If you are attached to anybody or
attached not to a person, but attached to
a community that has community events, parties, there's
a dungeon, there's a something,
go talk to that organizer and go, hey.
I think the community might benefit from this.
This has worked for me or I practice
it or I'm a purse and, you know,
a professional, whatever whatever whatever the terminology is.
Can can we do something? Can we partner
up? Can can I come can I offer
this at
blah blah event? Now when you're talking to
the kink community and you want to sell
the idea that this could be beneficial for
specifically for kinksters, you need to come with
information.
How did it help you? How has it
helped others?
What exactly is it,
and how you think it could be beneficial?
I don't have an opinion on anything I
haven't fucking done and that I don't understand.
But if you feel strongly enough about it,
you need to go
start making connections, talking about it online, talking
to people in person.
And and whatever your connection to it is,
whether you've just,
you know, participated in it and benefited from
it personally or you are a professional and
this is what you do,
that's what you do. I can't tell you
if it's gonna be beneficial or not.
My I don't even have an understanding of
exactly what it is, but I I know
the
the way it is talked about by people
who are not into it,
I would not I would not do much
for me as far as I know. I
wouldn't be interested in it. So
it's not like
then that doesn't mean it's not a good
thing and other people wouldn't be interested in
it.
But that that's the thing. If it's a
thing you like, it's made something about your
kink life better,
then
start telling the the world about it. And
then maybe other people will find the same
thing to be true.
Yeah. I'm not gonna make a joke about
somebody's, like, practice, but I do.
I I do. I I do know the
descriptions that have been used about it. Okay.
Okay.
This isn't a question,
but I felt like this person was trying
to shout into the void and I wanted
them to know they were not alone.
I'm struggling to find good BDSM
dom sub books,
actual realistic ones with plot.
Same.
I do still have
a one series that is still my all
time favorite series.
I read it twice because the final book
took forever to come out. And I was
like, I don't I remember the first two
books, but I don't remember.
And it's, the series is Brutes
of Bristlebrook.
The author is Rebecca Quinn. I believe I'm
on I'm right on that. I'd have to
go look it up.
That was some of the best power exchange
I've read
ever. Now I know they're not the only
ones out there.
I've tried to read some authors like there's
an author whose name I cannot think of
right now. They write a lot of daddy
dom little,
books. They do cowboys and they do motorcycle
clubs and I think something else.
And
it was not poorly written.
Those were I wish I could think of
the author's name.
I'll my I'll have to go grab my
phone and see if I can find them.
They those are not poorly written. It's just
the one it was one of those times
the formula used for the series.
I was done with it. I really like
when
in a series we're talking like, especially it's
in in series. We've got
kink varies. Right?
The type of,
partnerships
and or the the kinks that get used
or the types of power exchange
dynamics. I like when there's variety and some
of the authors I found who've been very
good
only write about a
singular
type.
And I'm like, okay that was fun the
first time, even though there were some kinks
in it that were not my kinks. By
the eighth time I'm done. I don't want
to do this anymore. Let me go grab
because I'm thinking of an author right now
that it was really good power exchange, and
it wasn't all supernaturally. Hold that.
Oh my god. I'm so hot.
It is it is a little warm in
here. Yes.
At some point, I should probably
put together
a list of kink books that I have
or kink authors you read about kink that
I have enjoyed.
That's Wait. You don't have that yet? I
do not have that yet. Oh my god.
No. I don't actually.
Is it
no. It's not that one. Oh, that one.
Okay. There's this series. Oh, this author,
KiKi Clark, k I k I, KiKi Clark,
has
a series called Leather and Chrome.
It's,
gay romance.
A lot of it is very power exchange
y and kinky just in general. Oh, now
it looks like I tried to read it
and I was not trying to read it.
Who else have I got? I thought I
had somebody else.
Who I really do need to, like, just
put together a damn, like,
here's who I've read, who's here's who I've
liked. Had had something come up in
chat. Sure. Alexi Bunn said,
also, can we recommend your own books, Kayla?
I love them when I read them a
few years ago. Oh, thank you. I do
not recommend my own books
because,
those were not professionally edited.
I enjoyed writing them. Oh, man. Yeah. I
should really put together like a list of
authors I've personally read. Another place to get
great recommendations
is from Rara of the Pink, Pink podcast.
She reads a lot of kink books,
has been a book reviewer for
ages,
and usually has some really good,
recommendations.
So Princess Rara on social media, Pink King
podcast, whichever one. If you reach out and
go, hey, Rara, can you recommend some books
or some
authors? She can do that. Yeah.
And I and I can't help with this
because I don't read
anything that BDSM related anymore. Do you know
for all and I read a lot because
it's my coping mechanism while the the, you
know, world's on fire right now.
I read very little kink. I will go
looking specifically for kink books from time to
time. Or if I happen to come across
a thing where, like, Rara has recommended an
author or something, I don't seek it out
but it just, like, comes across.
You know, I will read them.
But I've been so disappointed
in some of what I could find. I'm
sorry.
Or
this is the hardest part.
There are authors who'll go, oh, it's light
BDSM.
It's dumb sub
vibes.
And I'm like,
no. It's not.
That the male partner smacked
her ass, like, once and called her good
girl, like, 87 times. Like, by the eighty
seventh good girl. It does not pack the
punch that it once did. Right? Yeah.
So I've been disappointed there. But also, I'm
currently in a I I mostly only wanna
read Why Chews. Like, that's just Mhmm.
And I don't usually love contemporary Why Choose.
I want it to be a little fantastical
or whatever whatever.
And there,
to my knowledge,
do not seem to be a lot of
authors
other than, like, a Rebecca Quinn,
who write
really good Why Chews. Keke Clark is probably
up there too.
Even though I would say Rebecca Quinn is
better,
from that perspective.
Keke Clark's just a good auth author. But,
they don't seem to write a lot of
why choose but hear also some kink dynamics.
Mhmm.
And if they're out there, I just literally
have not found them. I've not come across
them.
But yeah. Like, I just
I don't right now. I'm I'm very much
a mood reader. If it's not if I'm
not vibing with it, I just can't read
it. So I'm not doing a lot of,
like, male, female,
typical, air quote, that typical romance. That's also
kinky. I'm just like, well, that's not interesting
to me. Like, can can there be somebody
else or can we do this differently or,
like, just do it?
So
but, yeah, one day I probably should try
to I not by memory, just through my
Fable app.
Go through what I've read and see if
I can pull
out some names of, some books or some
authors I've really enjoyed.
Okay.
Here's one.
First time pegger tips.
I do not know if they were asking
as the pegger
Or the peggy.
Yeah. Well, then I'm just gonna give some,
you know,
go slow.
Just like with anything else, don't just jump
in and lots of lube.
And if we're talking about pegging with, like,
the stereotypical pegging of dildo pegging Mhmm. Not
just anal sex,
start with a small dildo. Yeah. Start with
something hell. You know yeah. Start with fingers
before we even get into silicone. Like,
start small. Start small. Start small. Start small.
If you've never had anything up your ass,
no matter how much you may or may
not end up enjoying it,
that's a weird feeling the first time. And
people don't talk about how that's a weird
feeling the first time.
First time I experienced anal, I was like,
I didn't it it made sense the moment
I felt it. The moment I felt it,
it made sense, but I was like, I
did not know this felt like taking a
shit in reverse.
It made once I once I had that
moment, I was like, no. Of course. Of
course. That's what it would probably feel like
because
but that for me was unsettling.
It's like, I I don't that I don't
want that
feeling.
So just if you've if you've never had
anything up there, just
be prepared for any amount of, oh, I
did not know that's what it would feel
like, but that's what I'm telling you. That's
what it feels like.
But, yeah, it's always a go slow.
You do not have to take the biggest
fucking dildo on the first try. That is
how you get hurt. Yeah. People there are
people who work up to shit like that,
and that's cool. That's great. I love that
for you. Mhmm.
If we're talking from the pegger
standpoint, I've never pegged anybody, never worn a
a strap on. It's not something that I'm
really interested in. Right. So I've never thrust
into anybody, but you have thrust into people.
Are there any tips you would give a
first time thruster?
Maybe do some core work.
Some core work. Yeah. You know,
core and,
probably some legs.
Mhmm. A a thing that I am learning
mostly from the gay romance that I've been
reading, not from anywhere else, so take this
with a grain of salt.
But I'm I'm seeing a lot of we
always think of sort of doggy position as,
like,
the anal position, but it doesn't have to
be. You could be missionary. You could be
on your back, pull those knees back, spread
it.
For those of us who just never thought
about it because it was never a thing
we had to think about, I was like,
oh, that oh, okay. Okay.
Okay. So that I'm telling
those who are like me who never would
have thought about it because you didn't need
to know that information, and it just wouldn't
have occurred to you. Yeah. That one's for
y'all.
The folk who've been doing it already already
damn well knew.
And and and relax.
To the best of your ability. Yeah. To
the best of your abilities,
relax.
On the lube thing, thing, we used to
say this a lot when we talked about
all kinds of stuff with lube. Mhmm. But
it was
use
a lot of lube
Mhmm. And then put some more on it.
Those first times until you know yourself, until
you're comfortable, until whatever like,
if you
are slipping and sliding
on the bed,
I know it probably feels like excessive lube,
but I promise you
Mhmm. It's probably the right amount of lube.
It should I mean,
it should be like, are we sure?
Are we sure this is how much we
should have? For those first few times, yeah.
Yeah. The more the better. The more the
better.
The more the better.
As you get more experience, you can find
your preferred amount of lube. But those early
days,
they are the better.
Okay.
Okay. How to vet teachers when looking for
kink
classes?
I think the best way probably to do
that would be to speak with past,
Attendees?
Either attendees or,
geez, I can't think of the Organizers? The
hosts. Yeah. The organizers. Thank you. Yeah. It
depends on are you looking to see is
this a class I wanna go to? Will
they know what the hell they're talking about?
Or I would like to bring a person
in for my own community.
The other thing is a lot, not all,
but a lot of,
educators,
whether they are demoing
kink skills or they are talking about concepts,
they're gonna have, like, a lot of fucking
content out there.
You're gonna you should be able to find
them online,
and,
take consume their content. Listen to their podcast,
watch their videos, read their book, or at
least excerpts of their book.
That will let you that will give you
an idea of do I think this person
is peddling bullshit.
Okay?
If they're a demonstrator,
they typically will have some kind of content
either on FetLife or maybe on, you know,
non kink
social media platforms of them
showing what they can do. If they have
that, consume that content.
I know a lot of educators will often
have somewhere, like, on a website or on
FetLife, like, places they have done classes,
events they've been invited to. Mhmm.
Track those down. Right. Reach out and go,
what was your experience like with this person?
Mhmm. That is probably more helpful for,
somebody inviting somebody in. Right. And a lot
of times too with that, you will see
other people, you know, talking about, oh, I
had a great time. This was a great
class or or, you know Mhmm. How they
Mhmm.
Yeah.
A 100%. Like, just
you maybe don't vet them the way you
do a partner, but you vet them. You
know, go see what the hell they're putting
out
there, do a search on whatever social media
platform for their name or other people talking
about them. And what are they saying when
they do?
But, yeah, the question is a little imprecise
because it's like,
which
direction are you coming at it from? Right?
If you're going to a class, do the
search of is anybody's talking about them in
a negative way,
and go check out their content and go,
do I feel like this person is blowing
smoke up my ass?
You're probably fine most of the time.
But to invite somebody to your own event,
yeah,
dig deep. Yeah. Definitely talk to fellow organizers
and ask questions because
they somebody can be fucking brilliant and know
exactly what they're talking about or doing in
kink and
be a fucking menace who should not be
allowed around people. In the chat, Katie Rose
brought up a good thing. Read the negative
reviews as well as the positive ones. Yes.
And that and that's very important. And not
only read the the
negative reviews, see if anything was how how
it was handled. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And, you know,
we all have our own
sense of what we can tolerate for somebody
or how much we will forgive somebody. People
can make mistakes and,
you know, for me,
if I'm host let's pretend I'm hosting an
event, and I gotta bring people in.
If
I see your name come up more than
one time
in a negative way, like separate events, I
mean, you're not coming to my fucking event.
I don't care how many times you apologize,
how many classes you went to, and how
many people vouch for you.
A single time?
I don't know. I'm a be, like, digging
fucking deep because
was it
a misunderstanding
human error, or was this just the one
fucking time you got caught? Right? Like, the
the trust factor Mhmm. Of and that still
is not foolproof. Like, people can, like,
go under the radar for
decades before something comes to the surface and
more people know about it.
But yeah. Like, that's my tolerance for that
kind of thing is gonna be very fucking
low. Nobody I don't want people to come
into my house, let alone go, hey. I'm
gonna invite all these kinksters who believe I
know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oops. I accidentally let in a predator? Like,
fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. No. No.
No.
So I'm just saying.
Okay.
I don't know how helpful any of this
is, but I am having a good time
even though
I still feel a little grouchy. Mhmm. Sorry
about that, y'all. Okay, Oscar. The the last
question from Instagram.
And part of this, I don't think either
of us can answer. No. I But that's
okay. We're not meant to answer all questions.
How to internally
deshame
dark
consensual nonconsent
desires
as a sexual assault survivor
and share those desires with my daddy, Tom.
Yeah. I I do not think I am
in any way, shape, or form. Way qualified.
No. What I can tell you if you
do not already have this kind of person
in your life is I would beg you
to seek out a Kinko ware therapist. Yeah.
Because you might be you might have a
therapist that's helped you through maybe, you know,
surviving the sexual assault. Maybe it's something else.
Maybe it's whatever. But if they don't know
anything about kink and you start trying to
talk about dark CNC
desires,
I hope they handle it well, but they
might not. If you can find a kink
aware therapist
who will
work with you on
the feelings you have, how to communicate them,
how to
how to, you know, not feel shame about
your own
desires
because the stuff we desire on the inside,
the stuff we fantasize about
is not inherently
outside of a few very specific examples, and
y'all know what I mean,
is not inherently
automatically
bad. It comes from a place There are
studies out there, like actual scientific studies,
that show
where kinksters
will sometimes use parts of kink to help
them work through their own trauma successfully. Right.
But that's not something that I think too
many people need to be just doing. Like,
you don't raw dog it on your own.
Hopefully, you've got some guidance. You've got some
help. And, yeah, I I have heard of
people doing that as well. Yes. So
I neither of us can answer the first
part of the question. Okay?
We and when we're done recording, I will
go pop in the links in the places
for the place where you can find a
kink aware therapist.
So many do online stuff these days that,
you know, you don't have to go to
anybody to have these conversations,
especially if you wanna have them in private.
Now
once you get to the point where you
can share those desires
with a partner, and you're willing, and you're
like, okay. Let's I would like to talk
about this. Mhmm. That we might be able
to offer some
advice for. So to share those desires with
your daddy dom.
What are your thoughts on that part of
the the
question?
I think that's going to be
one of those,
and maybe maybe not. But it that could
be one of those tough conversations
to have.
But,
you know, you you it's at that point,
you have to sit down and talk about
it. But I think it's one of those
you set up a time. You don't Oh,
yeah. You really don't spring in on a
partner. No. No. No. No. No. No. This
is not you know, hey. Right. Obviously, you
would wanna have that conversation where you could
be private, so you would not you could
be very clear and distinct with what you're
trying to explain.
That those sharing those kinds of desires is
not a time to speak an innuendo.
Plain fucking language. And you need to be
in a place where you can safely use
that plain language. Mhmm. One thing we've talked
about in the past when we when people
have asked us about bringing up new kinks
or kink in general to a partner that
they don't know how they will,
respond to it Mhmm. Is asking questions
about, do you know about this? What do
you think about this? Hey. Have you have
you heard about this? What you know, do
you have any thoughts about this? Have you
ever had
a fantasy
like this in this realm? It doesn't have
to be your you know, you don't have
to be like the hypothetical doesn't have to
be your exact situation. But, like, have you
ever had some dark, like or what do
you think of consensual nonconsent? Is that would
you be interested? Right?
And give them the space to think about
it at that level
before you dive in with here is
my three act play that I would like
us to put on.
Can we do this? Right? Like,
in any kink,
but certainly the ones where they are considered
more edge. I don't like to use the
word extreme because that's subjective, but I think
most people would know what I mean by
that. If you don't know how your partner
feels about those things yet,
easing them in slowly is not a horrible
thing to do. That being said, depending on
how long you've been together,
you know what kind of commune hopefully, you
know what kind of communication
strategies your partner,
responds to best. Some people
want just clear, plain, direct language. Just tell
me the fucking thing, and we'll we'll figure
it out together. And some people,
you just know you can't come at them
all at once.
My experience, not even about this situation, but
communicating things.
I'm checking JB's mood before I tell him
anything.
I'm making sure if I'm asking for something
that maybe he's never done before, so I
know one, he's gonna have to decide, do
I even wanna do that?
Do I have it in me to go
learn? Is there a place I can? Like,
all those factors. Right?
I'm a make sure we're relaxed. We're chill.
Mhmm. He's not grumpy. He didn't have a
bad night. He's, like, in a headspace. Like,
I'm I'm clocking for those things.
Use that information that hopefully you have learned
about your partner. Hey. Let's go have a
cup of coffee and sit. Right.
If you do start seeing a Kinkaware therapist,
if you're not already, if you are seeing
a Kinkaware therapist, I highly recommend
just finding oh, I hit the microphone. Sorry.
Finding a time and a place and a
way to bring this up to them. Right?
But if if they're not kink aware,
I highly recommend kink aware for this. Yeah.
But
if you are comfortable with it, if you're
at that point in your relationship,
you don't have to go into the details
of why you're seeing a kink aware therapist,
but maybe you can give a broad overview
assuming you're comfortable. You don't have to. You're
not required to tell a partner or anything
like that. But if you know it's a
thing that you're probably gonna bring to them,
maybe that's where you start. And then there's
like time between
you find this therapist to help you with
this thing to, you know, so you can
work through it in whatever way that's gonna
look like, and And if you're comfortable enough
and the trust is there and the relationship's
long term enough and they've they've earned this
level of intimacy from you and you mention,
hey. I'm gonna go see this therapist for
this give be vague, this vague reason, you've
kind of already started the conversation because now
you've got the opening.
Over time, if you feel comfortable,
you can start talking about it more.
But
yeah. No. I don't
I cannot imagine
that
dealing with any internal shame you have over
your own desires is easy in general.
And then add
a trauma like that on top of it.
Oh, nope. Two weirdos with microphones and an
Internet connection.
We nobody. I'm not gonna I would cause
more harm by whatever flipping thing I would
say. That is for professionals. And I you
know, there are other people out there on
FetLife, I think somebody mentioned in live chat,
who are sharing their
stories and their journeys to
in similar you for similar situations. Yeah. If
you can find those folks, seek them out,
read their stuff,
or consume their content, however Yeah. You're putting
out there, for sure. But that I don't
think you get to do that in place
of
working on
what's going on with you specifically with ideally
a professional
is what I would say there.
K. Good. So that was the last question
from,
Instagram.
K.
Freckled Awesomeness, says in the live chat, it's
so hard to find a kink or poly
therapist that takes your insurance. Very true. Yeah.
What I have seen, it's been a it's
been a hot minute since I went and
looked. But the last time I went and
looked, and that's been in the past twenty
four months, a lot of them will talk
about how they offer sliding scales. Mhmm.
So that you're not necessarily
paying their top end. Hell, we got the
youngest, the 16 year old, into therapy,
what, three years ago? Yeah. Because the therapist
who their office didn't take insurance at all,
they offered sliding scales. I got her lowest
fee. Over over the years, it's kinda gradually
bumped up.
I found it easier to ask on behalf
of my child.
I could ask for almost anything on behalf
of a child. That's mine. Not myself. But
if you don't ask, the answer is always
no.
And unless you were blessed
with insurance that doesn't make you pay a
co pay,
it's few and far between, but I know
they're out there.
What I found with the insurance we have,
it was cheaper to ask for a sliding
scale
Mhmm. Than it would would have been to
pay any co pay that we would have
been charged for insurance. I know for a
while when I was in therapy,
if you do,
virtual
Right. There was no Right. Through our insurance.
Through the through that insurance. Which is the
problem that not all Everybody right. Right. I
know. But I know. If you have a
little bit that you can afford, but maybe
you can't afford. All of it. That's what
I would say is if you find a
therapist
that
offers what you need, that's the question I
would ask.
You know? Can do you offer a sliding
scale? Mhmm.
Yeah. Would I ever have asked for myself?
No.
I would not.
For my kid, yeah. I'll ask.
I'll I get uncomfortable with it.
So
yeah.
Do we wanna take questions from live chat?
It's up to you. You're the one in
charge.
I guess I could take one or two.
Okay. So sorry, podcast listeners. We're I told
you at the top of the intro we
were time traveling here.
If you're watching on YouTube during the live
stream and you have a question you would
like us to answer, feel free. We'll give
it a couple minutes. Y'all know us, we
can chit chat. Please tag us at loving
BDSM. Our name shows up bright orange,
so we can see it. The question should
needs to be short enough to be within
the character limit of a single live chat
message,
and don't spam the channel. Kitty says the
Kinkwear Professional website is that's the one I'm
gonna link to is the Kinkwear Professional website.
Mhmm.
I should I saw the I put the
question in the notes. I should have
grabbed that link and I forgot. It was
the damn weird nap that was not supposed
to occur. I wasn't I never meant to
take a nap today.
I gave myself an hour
to
I've got a stack of books where I'm
doing research,
and I give myself an hour
to
read the book. Thirty five minutes in, I
was like, oh, done.
We got a question from Freckled Awesomeness.
I can't flirt to save my life. Any
suggestions on how to learn,
to flirt?
Oh, shit.
I neither me.
No. You're not I mostly just make sarcastic
comments. I I hate to admit it. I
used to
love to flirt. You are a very charming
human.
But it's been so long. You're out of
practice.
Okay. So let's imagine a situation where you
Oh, that's not gonna No.
Can't may I?
Imagine a situation where you
were feeling as as playful as you used
to feel that would allow you to flirt
Mhmm.
If
you were to try it
on me, on a whoever, whatever.
What do you think you would do, or
what do you think you would say? Like,
what what do you think might be going
through your mind
if you were to attempt it again?
I mean, for me, flirting was always trying
to find out something about the other person.
Mhmm. Okay.
And then kind
of turning that into
Did A flirt. Well Yeah.
See, people it's one of those things that
people who know how to do it. They
just know how to do it, apparently. So
back in the day because I'm oblivious to
flirting. If you flirt with me,
I don't JB can flirt with me and
I will turn to him and go, what
are you doing? Yeah.
That's because I'm comfortable with them.
I don't know I'm being flirted with. I
have done things that people have claimed were
flirting. I was like, no. I was just
being kind of a bitch and wondering if
you would laugh about it. I guess that's
my flirting.
So when you start asking questions and you
get playful with it,
do you
are you asking questions about
them? Like, are you
is it such an for the moment where
you're like,
you see them doing something or you you're
in a moment together and it's a sheer
moment. Like, you're standing in line at Starbucks,
and that's the It it's Right. It's a
it's a thing of the moment. It's a
thing of the Right. You know? And so
then when you try to
be playful with it
I thought you usually just turned the camera
off and back on. I saw that it
had said the stream ended.
Oh, well. Okay. Mhmm. So
so is it do you make, like, a
joke at your own expense? Do you turn
something in playful into the moment? Like, I
I know
how you are
when, like,
the line is long. We're waiting forever at
Starbucks. You can make that into a playful
moment. Is that the playful moment you're having?
Yeah. It's not It can be. Yes.
Is it oh, I feel like an archaeologist
or a anthropologist. What are the words I
want? I don't know. Y'all know what I
mean, though. Right? Okay. I'm studying human behavior
here. Okay. So
let's say it's situational. You're in line at
a coffee
shop. You're flirting by making a playful comment,
not about the person, but about the situation.
Right?
Because you don't know the person. Right? Right.
Okay. So if they respond positively Mhmm.
Playfulness and now it's like, oh, we're in
a conversation?
It depends on the person. Depends on how
they receive how they respond. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.
Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay?
You know,
sometimes if it's a person that that feeds
off you, you know, you can keep going.
Sure. Oh, yeah. If if you get ban
banter Yeah. Oh, yeah. Once you have that,
it's back and forth. Right. Right. Yeah. So
but,
you know, yeah. It it depends on a
lot of things.
So But it comes from observational stuff mostly
and
Yeah. A vibe check. Mhmm. Is the initial
flirting the vibe check, or have you checked
the vibe
prior?
Is there, like, an air that you're looking
for in that person before you'll even start?
Or is the first playful question the vibe
check?
You know,
I couldn't tell you anymore at this point.
Why were you not memorizing
Silence is too much like small talk but
with expectations.
Yeah. Yeah. So here's the thing. I would
never tell you that I can flirt because
I don't think I can, but I do
understand
the vibe check playful question. Now I don't
do playful, I do sarcastic.
Sometimes dry humor, but
it depends. It depends. It depends.
And I don't do it for flirting reasons.
I don't know how to flirt. Mhmm. But
I do that kind of same thing when
I'm trying to do the vibe check of
the person I'm with. Like, a doctor. Like,
I was so we've I think I just
complained about this last week, and I was
like, I don't like my gynecologist because she
does not pass the vibe check. Because if
you're gonna be elbow deep
inside of me, I should be able to
crack a joke,
and you should think I'm at least mildly
amusing.
Right? Not be confused by me. I think
that the principle might apply. It's just the
the focus and the intention is different.
So I would say to anybody who maybe
doesn't think I they can flirt but maybe
you will throw out a sarcastic
comment or an observation
that other people laugh at
as vibe checks, I think maybe that translates
a little bit. I don't know. I don't
know.
When I
have pretended I knew what flirting was many,
many, many years ago
at this point, since I've known you as
long as I have, we're talking almost, but
not quite fifteen years ago. Mhmm.
I found flirting and maybe this is because
I'm a cis woman, air quote, flirting with
cis men. Like, let's be real about the
target audience here.
Flirting, air quote that, was a lot of
laughing and going, oh,
you're that's that's oh my gosh. Oh my
gosh. That's
really? It was a lot of that, and
I didn't like it because it feels very
disingenuous.
If I can't make a snarky smart ass
comment to you about the bullshit of life
and you
don't laugh, I don't know what the fuck
to do after that. If I have to
spend the whole time going, oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh. That's amazing. And doing the
touch on the arm and depending on how
receptive the squeeze of the buzz. Again,
my whole experience has been flirting with cis
men and is if you know, you know.
Not the best ones. Let's just say that.
That's a little bit of, like, I would
call it fawning.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Because it's really more about
stroking their ego. That's why I don't know
how to actually flirt because that's not to
me flirting. That is batting my eyelashes at
a man who expects that kind of treatment
from a woman he's attracted
to, who he assumes is also attracted back.
Right? Like, I mostly just wanted to fuck
y'all. I wasn't it wasn't that deep.
So yeah.
I don't I don't know. I don't know
how to flirt.
Well, silent. You're right. It it I mean,
I didn't do quite that much. Those are
just multiple examples in a row.
But if you if
if the vibe was that we were heading
towards getting naked, there would be a lot
more of that.
Yeah. I,
I don't know. I find
JB and I are flirtatious with one another,
but it's we're teasing each other. And it's
it's based on a deep knowledge of each
other and of knowing what we can and
can't say to one another. That's why I
don't I could not even imagine actually flirting
with actual strangers or people I've just met.
I don't know anything about you. I don't
I don't know what you're gonna find funny.
Mhmm. I don't know what's gonna make me
just look
like a weirdo and what's gonna be like,
okay. Yeah. We're on we're on the same
wavelength here. At this point,
yeah. Yeah. Quite frankly, we make jokes about
air quote flirting.
Somebody's body will make a noise.
And the other one, I was whoever it
is, the other one I was to go,
ugh, you do know how to turn me
on and seduce me. I want you now.
I've never wanted you more.
So yeah. Asking us about flirting these days.
Be careful. JB I I remember JB's flirtatious
days because
we could be out anywhere. We went out
so often back in the day. Why did
we do that? Anyway, we would be out
and about and he would just casually flirt.
It never bothered me. I mostly
was a little bit like,
an observer at the zoo, what trying to
watch animals in their habitat. Like,
what is that, and how does that work?
Nope.
So
Anywho.
Yeah. Tayce, you said in the live chat,
expecting the fawning type of flirting is the
reason why guys at my church wonder why
independent women don't want to date them. And,
you know, once I found I hit my
stride of my independence and my, like, take
no shit,
you know, kind of
way of being uncomfortable in that, yeah, I
mostly heard that I was intimidating
from,
a lot of men. I was like,
no. You are intimidated.
Yeah. That's the difference.
I wish I had gotten that sooner in
life. See? That you know? Yeah. Yeah. But
here we are. Here we are.
So
Andre has a good point on flirting. You
know, I think the goal will have a
lot to do with it also. Are you
trying to get to know someone new, or
are you long a long term partner? Yeah.
You know, give your long term partner a
hint. Yeah. I think
we just mostly you know, I think we
do it for the vibe check more than
anything because we are at a point in
life
there's no seduction
going on.
Like,
it's not that we can't, like,
warm each other up sexually
speaking, but and we will and we do,
but we don't have to preempt that with
anything.
Quite frankly, one of the best things in
life was ever was at the negotiation where
I was like, look.
If you just wake me up and fuck
me, it's
fine.
Whatever. Don't make me think about it. We
did have to set parameters on, like, not
in the middle of the night a certain
point in life, not in the middle of
the night,
we will be exhausted.
Certain times throughout the week, we're not great
for that. Like, keep that to, like, a
fucking weekend, whatever.
We negotiated
it. But I just I don't I'm not
if I'm flirting with you, it's because I
like you and I love you and I
wanna be playful with with you. There's no
goal to it. You know what I mean?
It's more of Okay. At this point,
our weird, snarky,
sarcastic
flirting is a point of connection.
Mhmm. It's almost a form of communication. Like,
hey, I'm feeling playful. Are you feeling playful,
man? When it don't land though, when one
of you is feeling playful and you, like,
send your shot across the bow,
bow, you know, and it doesn't it doesn't
land? Oh, that's oh,
that's
not fun. So,
you know, I,
I don't know. Yeah. I
I was told
always after the fact that somebody thought I
was flirting, and I was like, by being
a bitch to you? If I had known
then what I know now, I would have
asked,
do you do you want me to step
on you? Like,
Do you wanna be domed? Is that what
I didn't know. I didn't know.
Man, if I had
some
of
the ways about me that I did twenty
years ago, not a lot, but a little
bit. It was an inkling. With the knowledge
I have now?
Oh, yeah. I'd, they'd be intimidated.
Yeah. Like, I don't thankfully,
within our audience,
on socials,
YouTube, podcast,
I don't deal with a lot of, like,
bullshit misogyny that that crap. I it's very
rare. It's usually a brando.
But so but I see it, right, all
the time.
I don't have to deal with it, but
I also won't deal with it in the
fact that I don't even wanna do the
clap back.
I don't have the energy to deal with
somebody's
dumbass self
with bull like, I'm just like, I no.
I have so many more important things. So
even though the me of now knows what
she could've and should've and would've said twenty
years ago, even if I had the opportunity
now, I'm like, no. I don't I don't
have time for you.
No. There's so many things,
better things I could be doing with my
precious limited time on this earth. It will
not be
clapping back
at dumbasses on the Internet. It
it won't. It won't. It won't.
Oh my gosh.
Oh,
thank you, Kim.
How long should I wait to meet my,
long distance relationship with daddy?
I think there is no set
time period. I think it is when you
feel comfortable
to do that. And when you feel like
you can meet in a safe way. Yeah.
And that they you know
and or just believe that they will respect
whatever your boundaries are. So meet in a
oh, there with the camera again. Meet in
a public place,
have a
a safe person that
knows
where you are and is and a safe
person is a check-in.
So they know you're going to meet up
with somebody that maybe you only know from
online. They know they don't have to know
the nature of it if they're not kinky
themselves.
They know where you're gonna be, the location.
Hell, these days, like, it used to be,
you just had to give somebody an address.
These days, you can do, like, the Life
three sixty thing. Right? You can share your
location, right?
They but that person knows
where you're going, how long you anticipate
being with this person,
who they are, legal name ideal.
I would not meet up with anybody who
is not not willing to give me their
legal name if you want like a hard
fast rule.
And then they are expecting you to I
would say call because anybody can send a
text from your phone call
and say, hey. Yeah. We're here. I did
the thing. All is well.
But if they don't get that call from
you,
they're like, they're calling 911. They're calling the
police. They're doing something.
And
a potential partner should have not one single
problem with you having that set up. JB
made sure I had one set up before
he would even agree to come visit.
So that is a thing to think of.
If
you are
if there is even a little bit of
doubt about their trustworthiness,
that the things they tell you are real,
even a little bit of doubt, it's probably
not the right time to meet them for
your own safety.
And, Andre said in live chat, start with
video chats if you haven't already. Yeah. For
sure. For sure. For sure.
But yeah. It's
it's you only you get to decide when
you're ready.
I do think it's a there's a a
bit of paying attention to the other person's
signals, especially once you start putting some, like,
firm boundaries in place,
about that visit. Right?
They're you know,
if you have no desire or you're not
comfortable enough to get intimate with them on
that first meeting, you know, that's not even
a thing we recommend. We did it, but
we don't recommend it. Mhmm. They should be
okay with that. They should, like, they should
be chill with, you know,
whatever
you need to do to feel
as safe and secure as as you can.
They should have have their own boundaries. Like,
if they're
acting like you can do anything and what
and nothing,
you know, it none of it matters.
To me, that's a little questionable. That's because
I don't trust no damn body.
But, yeah, those that to me, that's the
win. There's no time limit.
It's if it's been a year and you
haven't laid eyes on each other in a
physical space,
you're not doing it wrong.
You know?
If it's been
two weeks,
I mean,
from the
mom,
big sister, aunt vibe, I'll be like, oh,
that seems a little fast.
Seems a little fast. That's not best practices.
But I also know
shit happens and sometimes opportunities
arise. But at that point, then you're gonna
take your risk assessment
even more seriously than you might six months
down the line. You should always take it
seriously, but there's just, like, a level
of, like, have somebody with you or have
that safe person or only meet in a
public space or whatever, like, what rules. Lay
out rules if it's a fast meeting.
Fast meetings make me nervous, but
I don't trust anybody.
I just don't.
I mean, when we decided to see one
another was when it finally became too unbearable
to to not see each other. Right. And
we could make it work with our very
adult lives. Like, he had work, I had
work,
I had the kids. Like,
if for me to be feel comfortable meeting
him in person, I had to have a
place where my kids could go and they
were not going to be part of this
because
I had set a rule for myself that
my the kids were not going to meet
a partner of mine
until I was convinced it was genuinely serious
and this would have longevity. I was not
going to bring people in and out of
their lives. It was just a personal rule
I set.
So a lot of stars had to align
for us to even decide to, but by
the time we were having those conversations, we
were, like, chomping at the pit. We're like,
oh my god. When can we see each
other? And I think that makes a difference
too. Yeah.
I know we're going to
attempt to do
a bonus section, but I also know the
camera is giving you fits. Mhmm. So we
will be
done with taking questions. Yep.
And we will have a bonus section, but
I will try real hard not to string
it out. How does that does that work?
Perfect. Okay.
So,
on that note, are we good? I have
no idea.
Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you
next week.
Dottie.
Dottie. Yeah? I know you're a little stressed
out and with good reason. I don't know
what the fuck's happening with our camera, but
can I talk to the crickets? Yeah. Okay.
Do I have anything other than being fucking
cranky because of a a not
nap nap.
I am working on the neurodivergent
series.
I realized a lot of my understanding of
neurodivergence came from the Internet, not just social
media, but, like, articles I was reading online.
I was like, I would like to, like,
put my hands on top recommended books.
And I meant to do that through the
Libby app, but then my library does not
have the ebooks
for the books I wanted. That was very
frustrating.
So
I went to check out the physical books,
and I read a lot slower.
A lot slower with the physical book because
I have to take my glasses off. I
have to have a very bright light over
me, and I have to angle the book
close enough
so I can see it,
but not too far down so I get
a crick in my neck because oh, my
nope, nope, my neck does and so this
is me
in my a weird head angle, a weird
book angle, a
glaring light over my head. It's a fun
time. It's a fun time.
These damn eyes. I don't know. I don't
know.
So
but I am working on it.
I
realized we've done this a couple years in
a row. Mhmm.
So all I can tell you is the
virtual summit of which we have been a
part of for the past two years is
coming back. We will be talking more about
it next
week. And, yes, of course, we did. We
did a presentation
as we do.
Past couple at least one of the years
we did it, it
inspired a series
Mhmm. For the podcast.
Yeah. This one in my in my brain
hole has also inspired
a series. Yeah. It'll be a companion. So
the
the presentational
happen
on our scheduled day and time. And then
probably
the week after that,
I'll I'll
My,
start the series. I I know after recording
it and what you had to do to
edit it, you were like
Oh my god.
Oh my
god. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah. I learned that the video editing
software that I've been using for about three
years now,
went completely obsolete. The webs was no longer
supported by the creator. The website where you
would go for blah blah blah Mhmm. Like,
died on 01/01/2025.
Oh, gosh.
It's 2026.
In case somebody's keeping
up. And that it was that editing that
video
for that presentation
where
my app finally decided to stop working properly.
And, of course, there's no support for it
thing.
You know?
It does not live on my computer anymore.
I did get
something new, which I have not used yet.
But,
yeah, I've got plans.
So for Dom Sub Virtual Summit,
we get thirty minutes
max. I always tell myself, man, maybe we
can keep it to, like, twenty minutes. We
cannot keep it to twenty minutes. We always
record
at least forty five minutes of content.
I will be doing something with the raw
content
from all of our different presentations in the
future. I have a very big long list
written out sitting on my desk.
But
yeah. Yeah. So I've got two series
in my mind.
The one series from the presentation we did,
there goes a camera again, will be easier.
The neurodivergent
series, I'm trying to be very careful about
because I wanna do it right.
So
that is coming.
What else?
The kids are good.
The animals are good.
JB
JB is frustrated with the camera for a
good reason.
I honestly don't know if it is the
Software? Or the camera at this point
because it keeps saying it it it's not
communicating with the camera.
Yeah. So
We have picture again. Mhmm. Yay. For the
time being. For the time being.
Yeah. I've been in a
kind of creative is the right word.
But because maybe a little creativity, but I've
been in a, headspace where I can plan
shit again. I don't know how long it's
gonna last. I have had to come to
terms and make peace of the fact that,
just because I am capable of doing something
today and want to do something and can
plan for shit and can keep it up
maybe even for
days or even a couple weeks, few weeks,
straight, does not mean it will always be
this way. So we make, hey. Well, the
sun sun is fucking
shining.
Because I have found that if I can
make the plan while I'm in the headset
headspace where I can make the plan,
even when I'm kinda struggling with focus and
attention and whatever,
I can still work on a plan as
long as the plan is already there, as
long as I know what the steps are.
Yeah. Yeah. I I can slowly work on
it. So
So, yeah. That,
that's all happening.
Yeah. Is there anything
I I have been working my tail off
in the shop. Mhmm. You're gonna get an
AC,
window AC unit for your shop this summer.
Getting yes.
Mhmm. Yep. Because we there we will just
be sold out of everything for the six
to eight business months that is a Florida
summer if he doesn't get one.
Yeah. I think I'm gonna have to start
putting up, reminders for candle sales
that so folks will understand that if you
order a can a wax plate candle from
us in the middle of the fucking summer,
it will probably be soft when it arrives.
They've I've never had a report that it's
melted.
Yeah. But they will be fucking soft in
there. Mhmm.
So yeah.
Everything's
I'm not trying to rock the fucking boat.
I'm not gonna jinx myself and
say things are away, but they are the
way that they are, and I am not
unhappy with that. So there you go. Mhmm.
I mean, other than that too, I've been
spending,
very happy with getting my little,
computer
set up in the
in this now spare ish room. Okay. I
don't usually go to the hive mind for
things because I have this really weird reaction
when people give me their advice unsolicited, but
this is not unsolicited advice.
Ella
keeps peeing in places, but the place is
this now spare bedroom used to be the
20 year old's bedroom.
And I have done things to get the
smell out, and it is not getting the
smell out. Now I do think there's a
corner I have not found
that needs to be cleaned there.
If you
have loved a cat that is pissed all
over carpet and you have some actual
things that actually work, even if they're out
of the box, please Yeah. Please let me
know. You can DM. You can email. You
can do whatever.
Are are you part of our Patreon Discord?
Let me know because I lit they I
I've always hated the fact that you do
not have a good sense of smell because
of all the sinus stuff of Yeah. But
I you can spend time in that room,
and I literally cannot walk in. Yeah. I
can't. Smells so strong to me. I don't
smell anything. I am a little sensitive to
smells in general, but I have to Now
when I'm I'm in there too, especially right
now, both windows are It's still not enough.
You have that fan going the windows open.
Yeah.
I spent I spent a long time cleaning
that carpet out
with the pet odor kind of cleaner, blah
de blah de blah.
Nothing is working. I mean, right now, if
I don't find the thing that works without
ruining the carpet, I'm ready to rip carpet
up and put down Yeah.
The vinyl stuff that just locks together. It's
imperfect. I that's not what I want for
any of the bedrooms. I like that the
bedrooms are carpeted, but I can't do it.
I can't do it.
And it's really mainly that
room. It is just that room. Yeah.
Oh god. It's miserable.
It's miserable. Sometimes I wonder if she's,
not upset because her real
person isn't here anymore. No. She would've been
doing it for a lot longer. I think
she don't feel good.
And
she is
oh, I love Ella, but she's a bitch
from fucking hell.
Girl after my own heart, but I don't
pee on everything. Mhmm. And with her not
feeling good
Yeah. Yeah.
Everybody in the live chat is is saying
thank you, silent for the enzyme cleaner. I
always forget those exist. I like I've heard
of them, but I don't ever think of
them. So okay. I will look for an
enzyme cleaner to try that next. Yeah. But,
yeah, the carpet If it's soaked way in,
yeah, it's not gonna
coming out. Oh my god. Yeah.
We know we're not staying here forever. We
know it's gonna go up on the market
at some point. Yeah. There's no way I'm
I'm not letting the smell of cat pee
take down the value of our fucking house.
So myself will rip out carpet. Yeah.
Yeah. And I don't know if it did
you know, Sean was talking about the subfloor.
Mhmm.
It's just concrete. Yeah. Thankfully, for us, it
is. Yeah. But if it's the carpet pad
Well, no. There is a carpet pad. What
I'm saying is if it's soaked into the
carpet pad Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's gonna
be
damn near impossible to get out. Okay. Kim
has said vinegar. Okay. I got vinegar. I
got vinegar. I got.
Oh, lord.
Yeah. It's unbearable because we that was the
room, one that's got a workspace for JB
for one of the tools that's we're still
working on. Mhmm. But even once that's finished,
I want that room to be we have
a walking pad, and I wanna use that
when it's too hot to go outside.
But I can't I can't stand being in
there. Just
Okay. Can soak into the concrete too. But
soaking it in, Zonklay. Thank you to the
live chat. Sorry, podcast listeners are like,
y'all are just y'all are just rambling now.
I well, more so than usual. Yeah.
So yeah. Thank you. Mhmm.
I do I I can foresee a future
where I'm ripping up carpet, but Yeah.
I'll try these other things first. Mhmm.
Just Yeah.
God. I know. No. That's true. She hadn't
been doing
it prior, but now can't like, okay. So
buy the
I out all of our litter boxes, we
now have these, like, rubber silicone, I don't
know what they're made of, mats. Mhmm. So
that when she pees outside of the litter
box, which she was doing and is still
doing but differently now, I am gonna have
to keep cleaning up the floor. And one
of the floors is hardwood floor, and so
we didn't want that to soak in.
So that has made life easier for cleanup,
but what I have noticed is the sheer
volume of pee outside
the litter box.
It's healthy pee. We're not peeing the wrong
colors anymore, so that's working.
And I, like, I cannot figure out,
is it that she can't hold it anymore
at a certain point? Like, it's not all
the time, but, like,
is it she does not like the state
of her litter box that I have made
my part time job to keep clean?
I I don't know. Is she
I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.
At this point, we probably pretty much have
her closed off from every room Mhmm. In
the house. Mhmm.
Yeah.
Yeah. So her new place was to, a
couple times, go into low onto Lola's car
or into her crate Into her bed, ma'am.
Not to make big messes,
but enough that Lola was like, I'm not
getting in there. Mhmm. And we were washing
all of her bedding. All her bedding had
to be washed.
Yep.
Andre asked if we've tried different cat litters.
That is what started
us realizing she had a problem with urination
because we did switch litter boxes Mhmm. Or
switch litters, and we went
through a very slow process. And then one
day, I went I just made the shift
over, and she hated it. So I made
the shift back, and we took her to
the vet.
And then after a while, she hated the
combo of the old litter that she did
love and the new litter that she tolerated.
And I the only way I could get
her to pee in a litter box was
to give her all of the current kind
of litter we're using.
And so because she she goes in the
litter boxes. We have three litter boxes for
two cats because that's what cat daddy said
to do. And I hate having to clean
all those litter boxes,
but it does work. It the house is
not stinky because it's
it's not just all one and clumping in
the hood.
But,
she uses them. She pees in them. Oh,
yeah. She shits in them, but there are
just times
she doesn't.
Yeah.
So yeah. It's a
a It's a mystery. And I'm keeping my
calm with her. Nobody else is. Everybody else
is pissed that she's peeing everywhere. I'm keeping
my calm about that. But I also want
to fix I under I understand she hadn't
been feeling well.
But it's still frustrating. It is frustrating. I
just don't, you know, I don't get angry
at a cat that can't speak English to
me.
Like, if she could just tell me and
talk to me, what the if if she
could speak and she said, oh, it's because
I hate you motherfuckers. Well, then I'd be
pissed. Okay?
But I'm running off the assumption that she
is not completely well. I mean, they'd even
said if the bladder stones Ella has bladder
stones if you had not heard. If,
Ella's bladder stones were gonna shrink, it was,
like, three months Yeah. On the special diet
before we'd seen it. And it's been only
a few weeks. So
oh, silent. Thank you. I did not know
that cat daddy had a stain and odor
remover. I will check that out.
Yeah. Onyx? Onyx is like a champ. Okay?
Onyx thinks she is still in the wild,
so she covers everything that comes out of
her body Mhmm. So predators will not find
it. Okay? She will cover,
Ella's messes
And you're to keep predators away. Yes. She
has. She has covered. Onyx don't play with
that shit. No. Onyx Onyx is very fastidious.
If though, if you notice, there are two
eating spots.
Onyx is a very neat eater. She is.
Ella is. She's very delicate. Ella is it
it goes everywhere. Puts her face in her
food and goes
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's what the hell she does. Yeah.
And, you know,
I I get it. I get it.
But
Mhmm. Yeah. She's just it's frustrating. Yeah.
We will try the things. Mhmm. We'll try
the things. See what,
what we can do.
Alright. On that note Mhmm. We've been fortunate.
So far, the camera hasn't turned off. So
let's get going while the getting's good or
something like that. Otherwise, yeah. I've been enjoying
the computer in there. I've got Terraria set
up there on it now.
Have a,
k patient, a card game.
And what else?
Puzzle. We did decide you need to put
a baby monitor between the office and the
spare bedroom. Yeah. Because Lola will be crying
to go out, and I will not I'll
be in the shower, I'll be in the
bathroom, I'll be doing something and nobody knows
but me and I can't get to her.
True true true.
And,
Jim, I moved all my m p threes
over there.
And then got, like, offended when I accidentally
called it an office. I was like, it's
a room with a computer and you're doing
stuff on it. It's it's Not like that
I accidentally called it the office.
No. It this this has become a separation
for me. Yes. Yes. I did not even
put email
on that computer. I agree. Yeah. You needed
a place. Your work your the office in
here was where is work. That is play.
Right.
So I I I needed the separation and
that has been a marvelous
thing for me.
And now you have it. I know it.
This smells like cat pee and I can't
figure out how to fix it yet. I
know. But I will. We'll figure it out.
It's my new mission.
Okay. It's now very hot in the sun.
It is. It's warm because the doors are
closed when you Yeah. Yeah. So we're gonna
go. Mhmm. Thanks for being here. Yeah. For
everybody who sent To the bitter end. Right?
For everybody who sent in a question, gave
us a question that was the appropriate one
that I could read out would was willing
to be out loud. There were a few
that got rejected. You know who you are.
Thank you for your questions.
I guess we'll see you next week. Do
I know what the fuck we're talking about
next week? Not a fucking clue. Not a
clue. No. But we'll get there. Mhmm. Okay.
Alright. Bye. Bye.