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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode

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four seventy three. Kayla Lords here with the

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one, the only you're giving me another look

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even though this is now our second take.

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John Brownstone.

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What the hell, man?

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I can't look at you? No. You can

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look at me, but I don't think that

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expression is supposed to be on your face

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when you

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do.

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Anyhoo. Anyway, this week,

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we're talking about emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, and

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what any of that has to do with

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power exchange.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this

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is your first time listening, glad to have

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you. If you're back for another week, welcome

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back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and

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Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. Insurance

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are found at lovingbdsm.net.

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Come back often and feel free to add

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if you like what you hear, we would

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love,

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a rating slash review slash whatever your podcast

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so that other kinksters can find us.

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You can also follow the show on Fat

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Life at loving BDSM PC

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on Instagram and technically threads. Without a handle,

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I will forever fucking hate. It's loving d

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s and the number one. So it's loving

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d s one. Or on YouTube YouTube

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at

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youtube.com/lovingbdsm, where you can watch us live from

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the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in

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the show notes.

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Okay. Before we get into this week's topic,

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which is very note heavy Mhmm. I took

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all of the notes.

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Quick announcement, quick reminder.

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We are still

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doing our Patreon membership drive for 2026.

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If you become a member or maintain your

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Between now and,

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February, what are dates? February 28. You're part

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of our membership drive. And that means that

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in about April, you will receive fun stuff

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in the mail from us. And, yes, even

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if you are not located in The US,

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we do ship international.

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If you're in the 2 and the $5

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tiers, because the $2 is our lowest tier,

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the $10 tier, which is our highest tier,

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you'll get the sticker pack and an enamel

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pin

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that I have ordered.

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It is, being made as we speak.

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It is made in China, and it is

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Lunar New Year. And so the company I

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ordered from went, you need to give extra

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time for them to make it. They're they're

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doing a thing right now. I was like,

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it's fine. It's fine.

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Reasons to join. There's our Discord,

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up until they start requiring

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IDs or facial scans. I don't know what

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the hell Discord is doing. And

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I I have

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anyway, until it's not feasible to be there

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or there, it's where our kinky community is.

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You also get access to our behind the

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scenes monthly podcast episodes,

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our monthly I don't know. How do words

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work? What order should they be in? I

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don't know. We're we focus on what's going

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on in our relationship. We, have done the

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podcast for years and years. Last year, 2025,

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is when we started focusing on our relationship

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in those conversations.

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And then we alternate between every other month

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a game night and a movie night. Game

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night was February. Movie night will be in

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March.

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I have to go to the place to

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get the movies that I wanna get, so

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we have movies or movie night. Okay. That'll

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be a next week project when we're done

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with traveling and

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stuff. I'm happy to take you there. I

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know. I know. Because it's also a record

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store.

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So, yeah, patreon.com/kaillords.

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We'd love to have you as part of

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our kinky community. If you're like, I would

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like to be part of your kinky community,

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but I am flat ass broke, honey. Same.

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There are plenty of ways that you can

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you are part of our community if you

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are listening to my voice right now.

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But if you wanna, like, support the work

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we do and, you know, money is not

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a thing you can part with, I totally

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get that.

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Share favorite episodes with your kinky

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friends and groups.

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Rate review on your favorite podcast app.

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Like, comment, subscribe,

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so, yeah, patreon.com/kalalords.

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Woo. Join for as little as $2 a

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month. Woo.

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Oh, if you join as an annual member

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where you pay upfront so you don't have

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a monthly thing, you get two months free.

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So you pay for ten months, you get

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twelve months of access. That is for the

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membership drive only. Whoo. Okay.

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Y'all,

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only YouTube folks can see it. My eyes

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are disappearing

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the longer I talk. I just it hit

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me out of nowhere,

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okay. So the concept of emotional intelligence, emotional

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regulation,

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which is a form of emotional intelligence

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for YouTube folk,

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the the screen went blank again. We know.

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JB's fixing it. I'm gonna keep talking.

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Emotional regulation comes from some level of,

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emotional intelligence.

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We're gonna talk about what those things are

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based on the resources

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that I found that seemed credible,

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while also then

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talking about how that would pertain to power

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exchange. So we're gonna discuss specifically emotional intelligence,

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and then we're gonna talk about, emotional regulation.

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And in between all of these explanation

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kind of things,

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then we will talk about how the hell

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that would relate to power exchange.

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All the links that I used for resources,

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they are linked in the places

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down below in the description box for YouTube

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folks, in the show notes page for podcast

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listeners.

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And the show notes page does live on

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our website.

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And if you are a if you're subscribed

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to our email newsletter, you get a link

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to the show notes page every week.

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Maybe not this week. I might be out

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of I'll be out of town. We'll figure

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it out. Fucking hell. We'll figure it out.

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So let's

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talk about what

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emotional intelligence

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is. I'm gonna try and give JB a

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second because I want him to be listening

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and being able to focus, and he's having

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to do other things and play tech support.

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So

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and now I'm pausing. Somebody has said that

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sound is gone,

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but I see the green bar moving.

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Okay. JB just held up his finger to

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me. Get there. He's doing his thing.

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I'm stalling

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badly.

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I have audio fine. Okay. And silent confirms

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she has audio as well. And podcast listeners

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are like, well, we've been have fucking audio.

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I know. Y'all are special,

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in the good kind of special. Okay.

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So

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I I don't know why that is switching

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out all of a sudden like that. But

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Yeah. It's gonna be a fun roller coaster

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for Away we go. YouTube video. Okay.

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Let's talk about what

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how emotional intelligence is defined

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and then what it sort of looks like

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in practice Okay.

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And in relationships. And we're gonna start with

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emotional intelligence and then we're gonna go into

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emotional regulation.

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Okay? So emotional intelligence. One of the first

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places from, a site called helpguide.org.

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Emotional intelligence is your ability to identify and

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manage your emotions to improve relationships, manage stress,

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make better decisions, and enhance your personal and

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social well-being.

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The Gottman Institute defines emotional intelligence, which is

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also

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known as EQ

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as opposed to IQ, y'all.

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EQ? In relationships is being able to recognize,

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understand, and manage your own emotions and to

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attune to your partner's emotions. It's not just

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about staying calm or being a, quote, good

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communicator.

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This is about noticing what you're feeling, making

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space for your partner's experience, and navigating emotional

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moments with care and intention,

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which sounds very sweet, and I like like

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it. Mhmm. That definition is delightful and doesn't

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really,

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leave room for the times when you also

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snap at your partner,

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or you you get your feelings hurt by

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tone, or you're, like, in a room somewhere

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going, why did I respond that way? Like,

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that's the lived part of any level of

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emotional intelligence.

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So what does emotional intelligence look like? It

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is noticing that your partner is

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feeling anxious while they're sharing. You know, you're

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talking about desires, wants, kinks. Here's the things

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we wanna do, and they're anxious about it.

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Right? You covered my notes, and I need

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those. Oh, sorry.

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And then you as the

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ideally emotionally intelligent partner, not only noting that,

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okay, they're clearly anxious, but then finding ways

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to

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help them express themselves, giving them space to

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kind of work through some of that.

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Doms with subs who find it very hard

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to say what we want,

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if you are getting that information out of

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your partner with any amount of care

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and they still like you at the end

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of that conversation,

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I promise you we're exhibiting some level of

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emotional

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intelligence.

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Half of it is just noticing that they're

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not speaking up. They're not saying something probably

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because of some level of anxiety.

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Using empathy and communication with a partner when

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they're upset about something and that's within or

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they're upset about something happening in the relationship

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or something happening outside of the relationship. Right?

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You

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it's it's a matter

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of noticing

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even if you don't completely understand, trying to

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understand,

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expressing

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and

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and feeling empathy towards your partner,

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a thing that

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the relationship side of my algorithm on Instagram

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likes to has reminded me of a few

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times is you can have empathy for a

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partner, you can validate their feelings and you

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can still disagree with them. So that's like

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you're in the middle of an argument and

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you're like, they are flat ass fucking wrong

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but they're clearly upset and you care about

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them and you want this relationship to keep

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working and so

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you express empathy, you know? That must be

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hard. That must hurt. That you know?

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And, yeah, I could see why you would

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00:10:42,879 --> 00:10:44,240
feel that way. And yet you could do

273
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,379
all that and still think,

274
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,519
Kayla is a crazy bitch, and I do

275
00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:49,299
not know why she's crying right now.

276
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:53,940
That age old question.

277
00:10:57,595 --> 00:11:00,735
And then emotional intelligence in practice is identifying

278
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,654
and managing your own emotions

279
00:11:03,274 --> 00:11:04,014
and stress

280
00:11:04,634 --> 00:11:07,754
to reduce or avoid escalating a situation, like

281
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:10,269
an argument. There goes the camera again.

282
00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:13,709
So,

283
00:11:14,009 --> 00:11:16,429
we have this I I go through

284
00:11:17,049 --> 00:11:19,929
this mostly frequently these days because I don't

285
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,089
want to have an argument with JB. I

286
00:11:22,089 --> 00:11:24,164
don't I don't want us to fuss with

287
00:11:24,164 --> 00:11:26,404
one another. I don't I don't want any

288
00:11:26,404 --> 00:11:27,065
of that.

289
00:11:29,044 --> 00:11:32,004
And so when I can feel that kind

290
00:11:32,004 --> 00:11:34,004
of coming up within me, I can feel

291
00:11:34,004 --> 00:11:35,924
it in my body. I can, you know,

292
00:11:35,924 --> 00:11:37,445
get intense. I can hear it in my

293
00:11:37,445 --> 00:11:37,945
voice.

294
00:11:39,330 --> 00:11:41,250
Most of the time we're not arguing about

295
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:44,129
anything of that of that matters. Right? Our

296
00:11:44,129 --> 00:11:47,250
argument is something either silly or it's not

297
00:11:47,250 --> 00:11:49,649
actually about the moment we're stressed about something

298
00:11:49,649 --> 00:11:51,649
else. And when I can sense that within

299
00:11:51,649 --> 00:11:52,149
myself,

300
00:11:53,009 --> 00:11:55,424
then I'm doing my best to stay calm

301
00:11:55,964 --> 00:11:57,664
to maybe I remove myself.

302
00:11:58,764 --> 00:12:00,605
Maybe I just change my tone a little

303
00:12:00,605 --> 00:12:01,424
bit because

304
00:12:02,204 --> 00:12:03,504
everybody in a relationship

305
00:12:03,804 --> 00:12:05,404
knows or you will find out at some

306
00:12:05,404 --> 00:12:08,409
point. Sometimes it's not what's happening. It's the

307
00:12:08,409 --> 00:12:10,429
tone you think you hear in your partner's

308
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:13,209
voice that you are. We don't like that

309
00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:14,889
tone to come out of their mouth and

310
00:12:14,889 --> 00:12:16,990
now we're fussing at one another

311
00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:19,470
and it's not actually about anything. So,

312
00:12:20,009 --> 00:12:23,514
you know, emotional intelligence is recognizing what you're

313
00:12:23,514 --> 00:12:24,014
feeling

314
00:12:24,634 --> 00:12:25,295
and then

315
00:12:26,315 --> 00:12:28,894
without invalidating yourself or repressing

316
00:12:29,274 --> 00:12:32,254
anything or denying your own

317
00:12:32,555 --> 00:12:34,495
reality or feelings or anything,

318
00:12:35,274 --> 00:12:35,669
it's

319
00:12:36,309 --> 00:12:37,829
sort of I don't want to say self

320
00:12:37,829 --> 00:12:39,429
soothe, but it's a way to sort of

321
00:12:39,429 --> 00:12:41,750
acknowledge those emotions and go wait there's a

322
00:12:41,750 --> 00:12:44,230
better way to handle this moment and I,

323
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:45,370
as the person who

324
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:47,049
can sense what's happening,

325
00:12:47,429 --> 00:12:50,464
don't want this to escalate. So I will

326
00:12:50,464 --> 00:12:53,205
change my tone, remove myself, whatever, whatever.

327
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:54,524
Poor

328
00:12:55,345 --> 00:12:56,245
JD is clicking

329
00:12:58,705 --> 00:13:00,065
buttons. Can I thank you? I can drive

330
00:13:00,065 --> 00:13:00,884
again. Okay.

331
00:13:01,424 --> 00:13:01,924
Does

332
00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:04,440
does any of what I've described before I

333
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,879
know you've had to run a rush around

334
00:13:05,879 --> 00:13:08,840
doing tech support. Do do I start making

335
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:09,980
a lot more sense

336
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,840
just hearing what emotional intelligence could look like?

337
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,559
Have I been managing JB since the day

338
00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:18,914
we got together? Kind

339
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,035
of. Kind

340
00:13:20,414 --> 00:13:20,914
of.

341
00:13:22,254 --> 00:13:25,215
I don't think it's uncommon for in a

342
00:13:25,215 --> 00:13:27,535
relationship for one of you to maybe have

343
00:13:27,535 --> 00:13:28,355
a higher

344
00:13:28,654 --> 00:13:30,195
level of emotional intelligence,

345
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:31,955
whether that's

346
00:13:32,519 --> 00:13:34,680
something innate within you and that, you know,

347
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,639
you had somehow a great childhood and your

348
00:13:37,639 --> 00:13:39,639
parents brought that out in you and here

349
00:13:39,639 --> 00:13:40,700
you are as a fully,

350
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,320
formed adult and you can just you can

351
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,784
move through the world with some level of

352
00:13:44,784 --> 00:13:44,833
emotional intelligence. Some of us, we had to

353
00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:45,500
fight for it.

354
00:13:52,115 --> 00:13:55,335
Crap. We had to reteach ourselves because

355
00:13:55,955 --> 00:13:58,134
our you know, the way we were raised,

356
00:13:58,675 --> 00:14:00,695
there was no emotional intelligence.

357
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:04,789
And, certainly, nobody teaching me emotional regulation when

358
00:14:04,789 --> 00:14:06,330
we get to it. Oh my lord.

359
00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:07,610
But

360
00:14:08,309 --> 00:14:10,250
the first time I heard about emotional intelligence,

361
00:14:10,309 --> 00:14:10,789
it was

362
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,690
I think it was in college years

363
00:14:14,149 --> 00:14:15,289
because it was

364
00:14:16,954 --> 00:14:18,554
the I can't remember. I don't know where

365
00:14:18,554 --> 00:14:21,115
it comes from originally. Like, who started saying

366
00:14:21,115 --> 00:14:22,095
emotional intelligence,

367
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:24,014
a k a EQ.

368
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,714
But it was sort of a way to

369
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:28,574
push back against IQ,

370
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,129
the intelligence quotient,

371
00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:33,529
being the only way to

372
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:35,049
map intelligence,

373
00:14:35,429 --> 00:14:37,429
to be intelligent. Like, there are all kinds

374
00:14:37,429 --> 00:14:38,410
of different ways

375
00:14:38,950 --> 00:14:39,450
to,

376
00:14:40,549 --> 00:14:41,450
have understanding

377
00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:44,305
of not just concepts, ways of being, how

378
00:14:44,305 --> 00:14:46,305
to move through the world. And I always

379
00:14:46,305 --> 00:14:47,445
liked the emotional

380
00:14:47,825 --> 00:14:49,585
one because it was like, oh, yeah. You

381
00:14:49,585 --> 00:14:50,085
understand

382
00:14:50,545 --> 00:14:52,305
what's happening to you and maybe why if

383
00:14:52,305 --> 00:14:53,985
you're lucky and you can work through it.

384
00:14:53,985 --> 00:14:56,085
But it was not been until the last

385
00:14:56,779 --> 00:14:59,340
from from my algorithms, probably five to ten

386
00:14:59,340 --> 00:15:00,639
years that I've seen it

387
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,919
dissected like this and really, like, pulled apart.

388
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,299
And some of us are doing it and

389
00:15:06,299 --> 00:15:07,740
we don't know we're doing it. And some

390
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:08,320
of us,

391
00:15:10,095 --> 00:15:12,254
don't think about our emotions. And I'll tell

392
00:15:12,254 --> 00:15:14,195
you right now that's probably a problem.

393
00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:18,195
What is what emotional intelligence is not,

394
00:15:18,575 --> 00:15:20,274
it's not repressing your emotions.

395
00:15:20,975 --> 00:15:22,035
You are not,

396
00:15:23,319 --> 00:15:24,459
working through something

397
00:15:24,839 --> 00:15:27,639
in an emotionally intelligent way if what you're

398
00:15:27,639 --> 00:15:29,720
telling yourself is don't feel it. Just push

399
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,000
it down. If you make it go away,

400
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,480
it's not there anymore. Look. I'm calm. I've

401
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,319
clearly and we'll get to it. Regulated my

402
00:15:35,319 --> 00:15:37,159
emotions. No. You have not. You have repressed

403
00:15:37,159 --> 00:15:38,940
them. They will come out

404
00:15:39,365 --> 00:15:40,745
when you least expect it.

405
00:15:41,125 --> 00:15:42,884
They it will be ugly. It will not

406
00:15:42,884 --> 00:15:44,084
be what you mean. And if you are

407
00:15:44,084 --> 00:15:46,264
in a power exchange, it will a 100%,

408
00:15:47,605 --> 00:15:50,884
impact your relationship and can a 100% impact

409
00:15:50,884 --> 00:15:52,019
your power exchange.

410
00:15:52,399 --> 00:15:55,440
If your repressed emotions burst out of you

411
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,120
when you least expect it, well, now you're

412
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,360
yelling about a thing that isn't even worth

413
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,279
yelling about because you're not yelling about the

414
00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:02,959
thing right here in front of you. You're

415
00:16:02,959 --> 00:16:05,139
yelling about the thing that didn't get resolved

416
00:16:05,904 --> 00:16:08,464
six weeks ago. Right? Or that's happened eight

417
00:16:08,464 --> 00:16:11,105
times, which you've never just sat down, owned

418
00:16:11,105 --> 00:16:12,625
your own emotions, talked it out with your

419
00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:14,804
partner, had them hear you, had them reciprocate,

420
00:16:15,345 --> 00:16:17,105
done the back and forth, the work, the

421
00:16:17,105 --> 00:16:19,504
emotional work of this is pissing me off.

422
00:16:19,504 --> 00:16:19,535
Okay. Is it is there something I need

423
00:16:19,535 --> 00:16:19,565
to do? Is it something you? It you

424
00:16:19,565 --> 00:16:20,335
know, what is it? How do we repair?

425
00:16:22,170 --> 00:16:23,129
Something I need to do? Is it something

426
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,730
you it you know, what is it? How

427
00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:26,009
do we repair? How do we make it

428
00:16:26,009 --> 00:16:26,509
work?

429
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:28,330
And the next thing you know, you're, like,

430
00:16:28,330 --> 00:16:30,250
standing in your kitchen crying about, I don't

431
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:30,750
know,

432
00:16:31,050 --> 00:16:33,710
paper napkins and that's not what you're actually

433
00:16:33,769 --> 00:16:35,070
upset about.

434
00:16:36,444 --> 00:16:39,584
So emotional intelligence is very important. It is

435
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,824
I don't like it being called intelligence

436
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:44,764
Mhmm. Because and I'm sure not everybody feels

437
00:16:44,764 --> 00:16:46,144
this way about that term.

438
00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:49,245
The way I have sort of been brought

439
00:16:49,245 --> 00:16:51,245
up to think about intelligence is like it's

440
00:16:51,245 --> 00:16:53,129
some sort of innate thing that it's not

441
00:16:53,129 --> 00:16:54,809
skills based and you don't learn it. You

442
00:16:54,809 --> 00:16:56,110
just are it.

443
00:16:56,570 --> 00:16:58,809
And that's not true at all. How about

444
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:01,230
instead maybe emotional awareness?

445
00:17:01,690 --> 00:17:03,529
I think that there's something to it. I

446
00:17:03,529 --> 00:17:05,769
don't think intelligence is a bad word. I

447
00:17:05,769 --> 00:17:08,154
do think that what it might do for

448
00:17:08,154 --> 00:17:10,154
people who have that kind of similar thought

449
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,535
that I have about

450
00:17:12,075 --> 00:17:14,555
there's something being innate to intelligence. There's not.

451
00:17:14,555 --> 00:17:15,215
Not really.

452
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,275
Is that it is a skill that you

453
00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:19,355
can learn. You can learn maybe with the

454
00:17:19,355 --> 00:17:20,619
help of a a therapist,

455
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,039
maybe just by reading a couple of books.

456
00:17:24,039 --> 00:17:26,380
I don't know. You can learn how to

457
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,799
acknowledge your own emotions, sit with your own

458
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:30,299
emotions,

459
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,255
kind of figure out, wait. Is that a

460
00:17:33,255 --> 00:17:35,974
helpful way to handle the situation? Maybe I

461
00:17:35,974 --> 00:17:38,934
shouldn't just scream my full head off at

462
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:39,674
a partner.

463
00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:42,795
Maybe that's not helping anything. Right?

464
00:17:43,815 --> 00:17:46,375
So I I say that to say that

465
00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:47,035
if you

466
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,799
do not see yourself in these definitions air

467
00:17:49,799 --> 00:17:51,480
quote those because there's these are not the

468
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,720
only sources around. There's lots of things said

469
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,200
about emotional intelligence. If you don't see yourself

470
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,380
in any of this, it's not a hopeless

471
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,680
case. It is a thing that can be

472
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,605
learned. You'll have to be bad at it

473
00:18:02,605 --> 00:18:04,305
before you get good at it.

474
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,765
It might always be tough, you know. There's

475
00:18:06,845 --> 00:18:08,765
sometimes it's just how we're wired. It's not

476
00:18:08,765 --> 00:18:10,305
ease these things are not easy.

477
00:18:11,164 --> 00:18:13,404
Sometimes we need somebody who can walk us

478
00:18:13,404 --> 00:18:14,464
through it, you know,

479
00:18:15,325 --> 00:18:16,704
a therapist or

480
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,559
a trusted partner or somebody who gets it.

481
00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:20,059
Right?

482
00:18:21,799 --> 00:18:23,480
But I just feel like it's important to

483
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,799
point out. It is a skill. You can

484
00:18:25,799 --> 00:18:27,180
learn emotional intelligence.

485
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:28,220
Now,

486
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,845
according to the Gottmans, I we've been talking

487
00:18:31,845 --> 00:18:34,848
about the Gottmans a lot in the past

488
00:18:34,848 --> 00:18:36,350
probably year or so

489
00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:40,104
they've been doing decades of research on couples.

490
00:18:40,479 --> 00:18:43,482
This is what, to the Gottmans, emotional intelligence

491
00:18:43,482 --> 00:18:45,359
can look like in a

492
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,119
You get through disagreements without lashing out or

493
00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:49,859
shutting down.

494
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,179
We still work on that, y'all.

495
00:18:53,839 --> 00:18:56,000
You show up for each other emotionally, especially

496
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,335
during stressful times, which is when we need

497
00:18:58,335 --> 00:18:58,954
it most.

498
00:18:59,894 --> 00:19:01,194
That can look like

499
00:19:01,494 --> 00:19:03,255
I'm not doing it perfectly right now. JB

500
00:19:03,255 --> 00:19:05,255
is stressing out about this tech stuff. So

501
00:19:05,255 --> 00:19:06,934
my job is to not get in his

502
00:19:06,934 --> 00:19:09,654
damn way and to kinda stay calm. Right?

503
00:19:09,654 --> 00:19:11,654
If I start getting stressed out while he's

504
00:19:11,654 --> 00:19:14,220
stressed out, now we're all freaking out and

505
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:15,920
it's not good for anybody.

506
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,099
To be able to express your feelings in

507
00:19:19,099 --> 00:19:21,200
ways that feel constructive and respectful.

508
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,160
That's

509
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:24,220
that's a good skill to have in general.

510
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:26,605
That's part of good clear communication, which is

511
00:19:26,605 --> 00:19:28,365
hopefully a skill you're working on in your

512
00:19:28,365 --> 00:19:29,664
power exchange anyway.

513
00:19:31,005 --> 00:19:31,585
I think

514
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,684
from my personal experience, that has been the

515
00:19:34,684 --> 00:19:36,704
hardest one, expressing my feelings

516
00:19:38,204 --> 00:19:40,044
in a way that feels constructive and respectful.

517
00:19:40,044 --> 00:19:41,825
Not the respectful part. Mhmm.

518
00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:44,950
It's more the owning my own feelings, naming

519
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,910
them for myself because what'll happen is I

520
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:49,990
have had a couple of moments like this

521
00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,230
recently where I'll feel the emotion and my

522
00:19:52,230 --> 00:19:54,150
brain will tell me, you shouldn't feel that.

523
00:19:54,150 --> 00:19:56,644
What is wrong with you? That's stupid. That's

524
00:19:56,644 --> 00:19:59,044
this and that. And now I've shut myself

525
00:19:59,044 --> 00:20:01,365
down from just this sense of shame. How

526
00:20:01,365 --> 00:20:02,804
the hell am I supposed to talk about

527
00:20:02,804 --> 00:20:04,984
it with JB if that's even necessary?

528
00:20:05,525 --> 00:20:07,924
Sometimes I have feelings that don't there doesn't

529
00:20:07,924 --> 00:20:09,765
need to be a debrief. We don't have

530
00:20:09,765 --> 00:20:11,789
to talk about it. I will get into

531
00:20:11,789 --> 00:20:13,710
it. I need to regulate my damn self

532
00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:15,009
and then we'll be fine.

533
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,549
This one is a harder one for some

534
00:20:19,549 --> 00:20:21,069
people and I know that it's a thing

535
00:20:21,069 --> 00:20:23,569
that takes time to learn, which is understanding

536
00:20:23,630 --> 00:20:27,045
your partner's emotional needs without always needing them

537
00:20:27,205 --> 00:20:28,025
spelled out.

538
00:20:28,325 --> 00:20:31,125
I think some people, based on wiring, might

539
00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:33,525
need them spelled out until their brain catches

540
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,365
on to the pattern. Or if the pattern

541
00:20:35,365 --> 00:20:37,785
changes within their partner and their partner is

542
00:20:38,164 --> 00:20:40,005
reacting in a way they've not seen before,

543
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,179
they might still need it spelled out. But

544
00:20:42,179 --> 00:20:44,440
there's a difference between, okay.

545
00:20:46,339 --> 00:20:47,079
I'm not

546
00:20:47,619 --> 00:20:48,359
I don't

547
00:20:49,619 --> 00:20:51,779
there's a difference between it taking longer to

548
00:20:51,779 --> 00:20:54,019
learn a skill and needing more help getting

549
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,475
there versus not caring at all in the

550
00:20:56,475 --> 00:20:59,035
first place and having been told what this

551
00:20:59,035 --> 00:21:01,035
means, what this looks like, why your partner

552
00:21:01,035 --> 00:21:03,434
is feeling emotional and not giving a crap

553
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:05,134
to to retain the information

554
00:21:05,674 --> 00:21:06,660
versus, wait,

555
00:21:07,059 --> 00:21:09,700
naming and understanding and seeing emotions is not

556
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:12,740
always easy for me. So I'm gonna need

557
00:21:12,740 --> 00:21:14,660
like a cheat code for this. I'm gonna

558
00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:16,420
need we're gonna need to talk about it

559
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:18,820
more in-depth until Sure. I mean, you know,

560
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,900
even even with you, we do this to

561
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:23,965
each other, you know, can tell something's wrong,

562
00:21:24,744 --> 00:21:26,465
you know, you haven't said anything. I'm like,

563
00:21:26,465 --> 00:21:28,664
you know, is everything alright? Is there anything

564
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,765
you wanna talk about? Mhmm. Mhmm.

565
00:21:31,305 --> 00:21:32,845
The other one and I

566
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:34,825
I didn't think that we did this and

567
00:21:34,825 --> 00:21:36,390
then I did this just earlier today and

568
00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:38,109
I went, oh look at me, which was

569
00:21:38,190 --> 00:21:38,690
is,

570
00:21:39,309 --> 00:21:41,250
emotional intelligence, what it looks like in relationships,

571
00:21:41,710 --> 00:21:44,910
staying curious and open minded even when things

572
00:21:44,910 --> 00:21:47,070
get tense. Now I think I know for

573
00:21:47,070 --> 00:21:48,349
myself, maybe it's because I can be a

574
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,884
little literal sometimes. I think about things getting

575
00:21:50,884 --> 00:21:53,204
tense. I'm in relation to a relationship. I'm

576
00:21:53,204 --> 00:21:54,724
thinking of, oh, we're in an argument, and

577
00:21:54,724 --> 00:21:56,505
that's why it's tense. Y'all,

578
00:21:56,884 --> 00:21:58,565
she gets tense all the time. It has

579
00:21:58,565 --> 00:22:00,644
nothing to do with you and your partner

580
00:22:00,644 --> 00:22:02,964
going at it. JB was tense earlier. I

581
00:22:02,964 --> 00:22:05,049
do not remember the situation now. That's what

582
00:22:05,049 --> 00:22:06,830
happens when you have Swiss cheese for brains.

583
00:22:07,690 --> 00:22:08,190
And

584
00:22:08,730 --> 00:22:10,830
I could feel his tension and my

585
00:22:12,570 --> 00:22:14,650
gut instinct most of the time with JB

586
00:22:14,650 --> 00:22:16,269
is I wanna try and fix something,

587
00:22:16,890 --> 00:22:17,390
which

588
00:22:18,485 --> 00:22:21,765
is not using my emotional intelligence skills sometimes

589
00:22:21,765 --> 00:22:23,605
because what JB wants is not for me

590
00:22:23,605 --> 00:22:25,205
to fix something. He just needs to feel

591
00:22:25,205 --> 00:22:27,045
his feelings, and then we'll work it out

592
00:22:27,045 --> 00:22:28,265
or he'll work it out.

593
00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:31,125
Something was happening, and I could sense that

594
00:22:31,125 --> 00:22:31,740
he was

595
00:22:32,539 --> 00:22:34,619
not stressed like to a a max point,

596
00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:36,559
but like rising tension.

597
00:22:37,019 --> 00:22:38,160
And what I did,

598
00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:40,779
I just asked a damn question. I didn't

599
00:22:40,779 --> 00:22:42,779
swoop in like I knew the answer. I

600
00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:45,519
didn't try to offer a fix.

601
00:22:45,980 --> 00:22:46,640
I didn't

602
00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:49,434
beg or ask

603
00:22:49,815 --> 00:22:50,315
questions

604
00:22:50,695 --> 00:22:53,095
with, how are you feeling? Is everything okay?

605
00:22:53,095 --> 00:22:54,775
Like, some of those I do those out

606
00:22:54,775 --> 00:22:56,055
of an instinct of, oh my gosh. I

607
00:22:56,055 --> 00:22:57,734
have to fix this problem. I can't let

608
00:22:57,734 --> 00:22:59,654
my daddy be upset about anything. Yes. The

609
00:22:59,654 --> 00:23:01,095
fuck I can. He's a grown man. He'll

610
00:23:01,095 --> 00:23:03,089
be fine. We'll work through it.

611
00:23:03,970 --> 00:23:05,890
She said to everybody else who can relate

612
00:23:05,890 --> 00:23:06,549
to that.

613
00:23:06,929 --> 00:23:08,789
And I asked a question about the situation.

614
00:23:09,250 --> 00:23:12,049
JB answered it. And while answering it, I

615
00:23:12,049 --> 00:23:14,049
felt the tension come down. Like, he calmed

616
00:23:14,049 --> 00:23:15,345
down a little bit because, like, don't know.

617
00:23:15,345 --> 00:23:16,704
I don't know if the question was something

618
00:23:16,704 --> 00:23:18,704
you could work through or it just helped

619
00:23:18,704 --> 00:23:19,365
you, like,

620
00:23:20,224 --> 00:23:22,384
almost did that break in your mind between

621
00:23:22,384 --> 00:23:24,865
rising tension and, oh, let me just provide

622
00:23:24,865 --> 00:23:26,404
some information real quick. Right.

623
00:23:26,785 --> 00:23:28,304
And for once, I didn't swoop in and

624
00:23:28,304 --> 00:23:29,920
try and fix a thing, which only annoys

625
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,000
the shit out of him, only annoys the

626
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:32,980
shit out of him.

627
00:23:33,599 --> 00:23:35,539
When he wants my help, he'll ask.

628
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:36,900
And I do.

629
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,920
But also because nothing is nothing is all

630
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,400
or nothing. There's so many nuances. Sometimes what

631
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,680
he does need is for me to be

632
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,474
the one to, like,

633
00:23:45,515 --> 00:23:46,654
interrupt the spiral.

634
00:23:47,115 --> 00:23:49,934
Yeah. The ways to do that vary

635
00:23:50,234 --> 00:23:52,474
from moment to moment. Sometimes I can interject

636
00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,315
humor and he'll I can get him to

637
00:23:54,315 --> 00:23:54,815
laugh,

638
00:23:55,194 --> 00:23:56,875
and then he you know, the tension comes

639
00:23:56,875 --> 00:23:59,134
down a little bit. Sometimes I ask questions.

640
00:23:59,515 --> 00:24:00,015
Sometimes

641
00:24:01,809 --> 00:24:03,029
I use my

642
00:24:03,409 --> 00:24:05,909
that's doesn't sound very submissive to me voice.

643
00:24:07,009 --> 00:24:09,970
Yeah. It is all situation dependent, and it's

644
00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:11,669
stuff that I've learned

645
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,289
over all these years, and I still get

646
00:24:14,289 --> 00:24:16,164
it wrong. Sometimes I try to slide some

647
00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,605
humor in there, and he's like, this is

648
00:24:17,605 --> 00:24:19,444
not the moment for him. Like You don't

649
00:24:19,444 --> 00:24:21,305
wanna go there. Oh, got that wrong.

650
00:24:22,484 --> 00:24:25,045
Now here's the thing. Emotional intelligence means I

651
00:24:25,045 --> 00:24:27,285
also recognize when I get defensive because of

652
00:24:27,285 --> 00:24:29,785
that, I'm trying to slide in some humor

653
00:24:30,005 --> 00:24:32,069
to diffuse his tension so that he can

654
00:24:32,390 --> 00:24:35,930
whatever's going on. Right? I've air quote helped,

655
00:24:36,150 --> 00:24:38,890
air quote that big fat fucking air quotes.

656
00:24:39,509 --> 00:24:41,130
And then he'll snap,

657
00:24:41,430 --> 00:24:43,275
not at me really, but more like,

658
00:24:43,755 --> 00:24:45,595
I don't want the humor. And sometimes it's

659
00:24:45,595 --> 00:24:47,595
just a firm boundary. And I get to

660
00:24:47,595 --> 00:24:49,515
be one of those people who's like, oh,

661
00:24:49,515 --> 00:24:50,894
you used a firm,

662
00:24:51,275 --> 00:24:52,974
although respectful tone.

663
00:24:53,595 --> 00:24:55,355
Why are you yelling at me, and why

664
00:24:55,355 --> 00:24:57,000
do you hate me now? Those are my

665
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,299
own issues. Okay?

666
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,259
But since I know that about myself,

667
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,660
when I feel defensiveness

668
00:25:04,279 --> 00:25:06,440
pop up because that thing comes up in

669
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:07,559
my head, it's like, well, I was just

670
00:25:07,559 --> 00:25:09,000
trying to help, and I was just trying

671
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,759
to be funny. And I didn't mean anything

672
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:13,424
by it. Anybody recognize some of that kind

673
00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:14,625
of self talk? Yeah. I know I'm not

674
00:25:14,625 --> 00:25:15,125
alone.

675
00:25:15,984 --> 00:25:17,664
I've gotten better at going, hoo. Take a

676
00:25:17,664 --> 00:25:19,825
breath. This is not about you. He wasn't

677
00:25:19,825 --> 00:25:21,765
yelling at you. You're not in trouble.

678
00:25:22,144 --> 00:25:24,644
Let him work through whatever the hell's happening.

679
00:25:26,369 --> 00:25:28,690
And then maybe later when he's calm, and

680
00:25:28,690 --> 00:25:30,210
sometimes I can, I'll go, you know, I've

681
00:25:30,369 --> 00:25:31,890
that joke I was making earlier, it's like

682
00:25:31,890 --> 00:25:33,170
it wasn't funny then. I know. But is

683
00:25:33,170 --> 00:25:35,009
it funny now? If I tell it now,

684
00:25:35,009 --> 00:25:35,990
can we laugh?

685
00:25:36,849 --> 00:25:39,410
I just don't allow. Yeah. Now how much

686
00:25:39,410 --> 00:25:40,470
of that is

687
00:25:41,009 --> 00:25:43,654
all of my own personal emotional baggage and

688
00:25:43,654 --> 00:25:45,195
trauma from early childhood?

689
00:25:45,654 --> 00:25:49,115
How much of that is service sub ness?

690
00:25:49,174 --> 00:25:51,654
Like, I'm trying to help and serve and

691
00:25:51,654 --> 00:25:53,654
fix and make things better, and that is

692
00:25:53,654 --> 00:25:54,134
not always

693
00:25:54,855 --> 00:25:56,490
you think that's what you're doing and that's

694
00:25:56,490 --> 00:25:58,110
not what you're doing. You're making things worse.

695
00:25:59,450 --> 00:26:01,369
I don't always know. There's a lot of

696
00:26:01,369 --> 00:26:03,630
overlap with that. Some of it is me

697
00:26:03,690 --> 00:26:06,350
me being triggered and responding to the trigger

698
00:26:06,410 --> 00:26:08,330
and not realizing it until after the words

699
00:26:08,330 --> 00:26:09,884
have come out of my mouth. Yeah. And

700
00:26:09,884 --> 00:26:11,805
then I'm pulling back going, oh, shit. You

701
00:26:11,805 --> 00:26:13,884
just got triggered. And now we're in a

702
00:26:13,884 --> 00:26:15,825
moment that was unnecessary.

703
00:26:16,525 --> 00:26:18,365
He needed a moment to himself. I needed

704
00:26:18,365 --> 00:26:19,005
to shut the

705
00:26:21,325 --> 00:26:23,298
Mhmm. Sometimes emotional intelligence is is, figuring out

706
00:26:23,298 --> 00:26:23,618
what you did, not to stopping yourself at

707
00:26:23,618 --> 00:26:24,384
a moment. It's

708
00:26:25,399 --> 00:26:27,480
figuring out what you did, not to stopping

709
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,960
yourself at a moment. It's looking back going,

710
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,819
oh, that was not helpful.

711
00:26:32,279 --> 00:26:35,339
Okay. Let me let me do something different.

712
00:26:35,559 --> 00:26:37,654
Now in some of these things about what

713
00:26:37,654 --> 00:26:39,034
it can look like,

714
00:26:39,494 --> 00:26:41,815
from your perspective as a dom, where, like,

715
00:26:41,815 --> 00:26:42,294
where

716
00:26:42,694 --> 00:26:43,674
dealing with me,

717
00:26:44,054 --> 00:26:46,534
yourself in general, like, what do you see

718
00:26:46,534 --> 00:26:48,075
from our experiences?

719
00:26:48,375 --> 00:26:48,534
Or

720
00:26:51,820 --> 00:26:53,580
You know, it changes day to day. It

721
00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:55,099
really does. It really does change day to

722
00:26:55,099 --> 00:26:56,940
day. You know, it it's not something you

723
00:26:56,940 --> 00:26:58,700
say, this is how it is and this

724
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,000
is what it does. And and

725
00:27:00,700 --> 00:27:01,840
and that's not

726
00:27:02,299 --> 00:27:04,460
not accurate. That would not be accurate because

727
00:27:04,460 --> 00:27:06,160
it it changes. It's,

728
00:27:08,315 --> 00:27:10,095
you know, there there are

729
00:27:11,914 --> 00:27:14,234
moments when you when I wanna look to

730
00:27:14,234 --> 00:27:14,875
see if they're get

731
00:27:15,515 --> 00:27:17,055
there really bond in there?

732
00:27:17,515 --> 00:27:18,974
It's all silver, baby.

733
00:27:22,029 --> 00:27:22,529
So,

734
00:27:23,390 --> 00:27:24,269
you know, it's,

735
00:27:24,950 --> 00:27:25,450
it's

736
00:27:27,390 --> 00:27:29,869
I'll tell you what what's been difficult for

737
00:27:29,869 --> 00:27:30,369
me

738
00:27:31,069 --> 00:27:33,470
with this because, you know, listening to you

739
00:27:33,470 --> 00:27:35,630
talk about what, you know, you took away

740
00:27:35,630 --> 00:27:36,450
as a kid.

741
00:27:37,184 --> 00:27:37,924
For me,

742
00:27:40,384 --> 00:27:42,325
it was kind of the opposite.

743
00:27:42,865 --> 00:27:45,904
By inserting yourself into seeing if everything was

744
00:27:45,904 --> 00:27:49,424
okay, if anybody needed something, you risk turning

745
00:27:49,424 --> 00:27:51,585
that having it turned on you. Yeah. Yeah.

746
00:27:51,585 --> 00:27:53,320
Yeah. Yeah. I totally get that. I totally

747
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,680
get that. So I learned to

748
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,000
You're not touching that with a 10 foot

749
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,100
pole. Yeah. Which is funny

750
00:27:59,559 --> 00:28:00,059
because

751
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,440
when you're not thinking that hard and you're

752
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:03,740
not that in your head,

753
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:05,019
you are,

754
00:28:05,884 --> 00:28:07,484
I don't know if intuitive is the right

755
00:28:07,484 --> 00:28:10,204
word, but it feels intuitive. Like, you're looking

756
00:28:10,204 --> 00:28:12,284
at me going, are you okay? What do

757
00:28:12,284 --> 00:28:12,944
you need?

758
00:28:13,244 --> 00:28:14,224
And then sometimes

759
00:28:14,765 --> 00:28:16,544
and maybe it's you're caught up in

760
00:28:16,924 --> 00:28:19,369
the the stuff from childhood. Maybe it's your

761
00:28:19,369 --> 00:28:21,369
head somewhere else because people are you know,

762
00:28:21,369 --> 00:28:22,970
we're all living in our heads in some

763
00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:23,470
way.

764
00:28:25,049 --> 00:28:27,289
I I have a 100% had moments where

765
00:28:27,289 --> 00:28:28,569
I'm like, I think I could be on

766
00:28:28,569 --> 00:28:30,410
fire in front of him. I don't think

767
00:28:30,410 --> 00:28:31,309
he would know

768
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,315
what is happening. But, you know, here's the

769
00:28:35,315 --> 00:28:36,214
difference between

770
00:28:36,515 --> 00:28:38,035
learning to use your words and not or

771
00:28:38,035 --> 00:28:38,934
not. Yeah.

772
00:28:39,315 --> 00:28:40,055
I was

773
00:28:40,755 --> 00:28:42,115
a kid who did this, and I have

774
00:28:42,115 --> 00:28:43,555
been a partner in the past who did

775
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:44,454
this, which is

776
00:28:44,994 --> 00:28:46,375
sound and look pitiful

777
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:49,960
until you get some attention, until somebody turns

778
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,799
to you and goes, what's wrong? And then

779
00:28:51,799 --> 00:28:53,799
I have this really annoying habit of going,

780
00:28:53,799 --> 00:28:55,799
nothing. Now what the fuck I was seeking

781
00:28:55,799 --> 00:28:57,880
for looking for and hoping would happen? I

782
00:28:57,880 --> 00:28:59,480
honestly don't know. I need a mental health

783
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,660
professional to tell me because I don't know.

784
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,955
But I have so many memories from childhood

785
00:29:05,255 --> 00:29:05,994
and into,

786
00:29:06,775 --> 00:29:08,695
you know, my twenties and before you and

787
00:29:08,695 --> 00:29:09,515
I got together,

788
00:29:09,974 --> 00:29:13,894
those relationships of doing things like that. Like,

789
00:29:13,894 --> 00:29:16,455
a woe is me or as a kid

790
00:29:16,455 --> 00:29:17,880
there was lots of sighing. I do it

791
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,640
now as a joke because I know what

792
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,799
I'm doing now because it's not effective with

793
00:29:21,799 --> 00:29:24,140
JB. If I don't fucking tell him,

794
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:27,400
he probably is not gonna notice. And if

795
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:28,619
he hears me dramatically

796
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:30,460
sighing in the background,

797
00:29:31,755 --> 00:29:33,375
he's like, what is wrong with this

798
00:29:33,994 --> 00:29:35,994
this with baby girl? What what is she

799
00:29:35,994 --> 00:29:37,535
fucking around with? So

800
00:29:37,914 --> 00:29:40,234
these days, now that I have the skills

801
00:29:40,234 --> 00:29:42,555
to communicate and I feel safe to communicate,

802
00:29:42,555 --> 00:29:44,474
and I will say this forever and fucking

803
00:29:44,474 --> 00:29:44,974
ever,

804
00:29:45,275 --> 00:29:46,174
part of

805
00:29:46,619 --> 00:29:48,079
the ability to communicate

806
00:29:48,619 --> 00:29:50,859
and be intimate and vulnerable and say the

807
00:29:50,859 --> 00:29:53,420
hard things and use your emotional intelligence or

808
00:29:53,420 --> 00:29:56,400
even fucking feel it is having the safety

809
00:29:56,460 --> 00:29:59,019
to tell your partner a thing without knowing

810
00:29:59,019 --> 00:30:01,599
how they might respond, especially when

811
00:30:02,284 --> 00:30:04,204
the responses you've gotten from the past were

812
00:30:04,204 --> 00:30:05,505
definitely not good.

813
00:30:06,044 --> 00:30:07,644
So I don't need to go around being

814
00:30:07,644 --> 00:30:10,304
dramatic to get attention. I might be dramatic

815
00:30:10,365 --> 00:30:12,524
as a bit. I might have some fun

816
00:30:12,524 --> 00:30:14,700
with it. But if I need to just

817
00:30:14,859 --> 00:30:17,039
tell him something, I'm just gonna

818
00:30:17,419 --> 00:30:18,559
tell him something.

819
00:30:19,579 --> 00:30:21,980
But that that was years in the making.

820
00:30:21,980 --> 00:30:23,659
That was years of not doing it and

821
00:30:23,659 --> 00:30:25,740
then not getting my needs met and then

822
00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:27,359
being pissed off about it

823
00:30:27,740 --> 00:30:28,394
and then

824
00:30:28,875 --> 00:30:31,615
slowly easing into it with you,

825
00:30:31,994 --> 00:30:33,994
which is we go back I go back

826
00:30:33,994 --> 00:30:35,595
to when we talk about different ways to

827
00:30:35,595 --> 00:30:37,595
communicate. It's why for a very long time

828
00:30:37,595 --> 00:30:39,115
when I had to say something that felt

829
00:30:39,115 --> 00:30:41,434
very big or very difficult or I felt

830
00:30:41,434 --> 00:30:44,099
very vulnerable saying because it had never worked

831
00:30:44,099 --> 00:30:46,099
out well in the past. I wrote it

832
00:30:46,099 --> 00:30:49,059
down. So I was communicating it, and then

833
00:30:49,059 --> 00:30:50,740
I was walking away. And I didn't have

834
00:30:50,740 --> 00:30:51,480
to witness

835
00:30:51,779 --> 00:30:54,839
whatever the response was gonna be. So

836
00:30:55,484 --> 00:30:58,045
that sounds like nothing but communication skills, but

837
00:30:58,045 --> 00:31:01,325
there's an emotional intelligence in there. There's an

838
00:31:01,325 --> 00:31:01,825
understanding

839
00:31:02,605 --> 00:31:04,605
on both sides. I knew I had to

840
00:31:04,605 --> 00:31:06,525
say these things. We had to have these

841
00:31:06,525 --> 00:31:07,025
conversations.

842
00:31:07,410 --> 00:31:09,009
I had to admit how I was feeling

843
00:31:09,009 --> 00:31:10,769
so we could work through it together if

844
00:31:10,769 --> 00:31:11,910
that was even necessary.

845
00:31:12,289 --> 00:31:13,430
So I wasn't being

846
00:31:13,809 --> 00:31:15,970
weighed down with the things I was not

847
00:31:15,970 --> 00:31:16,470
expressing.

848
00:31:17,730 --> 00:31:20,049
But I also understood myself enough to know

849
00:31:20,049 --> 00:31:22,255
I cannot watch this man's face while I'm

850
00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:24,015
trying to say it, especially if I'm gonna

851
00:31:24,015 --> 00:31:26,015
like fall all over my own words or

852
00:31:26,015 --> 00:31:28,335
not get my point across. Or if it

853
00:31:28,335 --> 00:31:30,434
is gonna bother him initially

854
00:31:31,375 --> 00:31:33,615
to hear that I'm unhappy about something or

855
00:31:33,615 --> 00:31:34,994
something's not going well,

856
00:31:36,109 --> 00:31:38,349
he gets to have that emotional response without

857
00:31:38,349 --> 00:31:39,090
me witnessing

858
00:31:39,789 --> 00:31:40,529
it so that

859
00:31:40,990 --> 00:31:42,609
I don't carry with me because

860
00:31:42,910 --> 00:31:44,049
I I know myself.

861
00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:46,990
If I saw some it happens all the

862
00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:49,150
time. If an initial response to something he

863
00:31:49,150 --> 00:31:49,605
has

864
00:31:50,085 --> 00:31:50,585
appears

865
00:31:50,884 --> 00:31:52,804
negative and quite frankly y'all, it could just

866
00:31:52,804 --> 00:31:55,125
be he's confused, but my brain is gone.

867
00:31:55,125 --> 00:31:56,585
He hates it. He's angry.

868
00:31:57,044 --> 00:31:59,525
He thinks it's like, I'm interpreting all of

869
00:31:59,525 --> 00:32:01,224
these things. None of them are helpful.

870
00:32:01,924 --> 00:32:03,525
Then that's what I'm carrying with me and

871
00:32:03,525 --> 00:32:04,990
now that's the chip in my shoulder that

872
00:32:04,990 --> 00:32:06,750
I gotta work around and that's an extra

873
00:32:06,750 --> 00:32:07,250
layer

874
00:32:07,630 --> 00:32:08,849
of stuff to unpack.

875
00:32:09,230 --> 00:32:12,130
Whereas if he could just have his own

876
00:32:12,269 --> 00:32:13,490
reaction privately

877
00:32:13,869 --> 00:32:17,069
first, his initial reaction, and then he can

878
00:32:17,069 --> 00:32:19,184
work through his feelings or his thoughts about

879
00:32:19,184 --> 00:32:20,964
it, and then we could come together,

880
00:32:21,744 --> 00:32:23,845
we always had a better outcome. Mhmm.

881
00:32:25,825 --> 00:32:27,744
So for anybody who's like, I don't know

882
00:32:27,744 --> 00:32:29,664
how to express my emotions and say the

883
00:32:29,664 --> 00:32:30,325
hard things.

884
00:32:30,625 --> 00:32:31,825
Find a way to do it so you

885
00:32:31,825 --> 00:32:33,679
don't have to stare them in the eyeballs

886
00:32:34,140 --> 00:32:37,200
or hear their voice as you're explaining yourself.

887
00:32:37,740 --> 00:32:40,059
I I that is how I learned he

888
00:32:40,059 --> 00:32:41,980
was safe because I could tell him what

889
00:32:41,980 --> 00:32:43,200
I had to tell him.

890
00:32:43,500 --> 00:32:45,119
He would take in the information,

891
00:32:45,659 --> 00:32:47,440
and then we would come back later

892
00:32:47,855 --> 00:32:49,615
when everybody was calm and then we could

893
00:32:49,615 --> 00:32:51,934
have these conversations that maybe we fixed something

894
00:32:51,934 --> 00:32:52,595
or maybe

895
00:32:53,535 --> 00:32:54,974
too often he was like, you have been

896
00:32:54,974 --> 00:32:57,075
stressed over nothing. I am not upset.

897
00:33:01,535 --> 00:33:03,055
But if I had never said anything and

898
00:33:03,055 --> 00:33:05,200
I'd carry that around or I'd carry that

899
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:07,493
false belief that he was upset about something,

900
00:33:07,493 --> 00:33:09,787
that I had done something wrong or that

901
00:33:09,787 --> 00:33:12,367
something was not quite right or he like,

902
00:33:12,367 --> 00:33:14,661
whatever the issue might have been, if I

903
00:33:14,661 --> 00:33:17,241
don't if that didn't get talked through and

904
00:33:17,241 --> 00:33:19,575
there hadn't hadn't had an understanding to come

905
00:33:20,035 --> 00:33:20,535
to,

906
00:33:21,315 --> 00:33:23,475
then that's repressed stuff that's coming out in

907
00:33:23,475 --> 00:33:24,775
other ways. That's mistrust.

908
00:33:25,315 --> 00:33:25,815
That's

909
00:33:26,595 --> 00:33:28,535
so many assumptions about what other

910
00:33:29,235 --> 00:33:31,955
facial expressions mean, tones of voice mean, words

911
00:33:31,955 --> 00:33:34,080
used mean, and it none of it is

912
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,180
clear communication to move forward.

913
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:39,619
But that all took time. Yeah. And now,

914
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:41,920
woe to you that you are the safest

915
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,680
person I have in my life. You get

916
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,567
to hear so many unfiltered things. And see

917
00:33:46,923 --> 00:33:50,130
That the rest of the world And I

918
00:33:50,130 --> 00:33:52,980
and I was just gonna say, you know,

919
00:33:52,980 --> 00:33:55,830
over over time in our relationship, you know,

920
00:33:55,830 --> 00:33:58,920
I have, not emotionally run away. Right. I

921
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:02,039
have learned that you are safe for me.

922
00:34:02,039 --> 00:34:04,519
Yes. Okay? You know, you're not gonna throw

923
00:34:04,519 --> 00:34:07,559
everything right back Mhmm. At me like everyone

924
00:34:07,559 --> 00:34:08,760
else has ever done. And,

925
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:11,739
you know, yeah. It's

926
00:34:14,305 --> 00:34:16,545
and I I still slip sometimes. We all

927
00:34:16,545 --> 00:34:18,224
do. We all do. I mean, there's

928
00:34:19,585 --> 00:34:22,724
to me, personally, there's nothing more frustrating

929
00:34:23,025 --> 00:34:23,844
than understanding

930
00:34:24,625 --> 00:34:27,285
what I'm feeling, where that feeling came from,

931
00:34:27,909 --> 00:34:30,309
you know, why, who, what, where, when, how,

932
00:34:30,309 --> 00:34:31,449
and still

933
00:34:32,150 --> 00:34:33,909
being a dumbass about it in the middle

934
00:34:33,909 --> 00:34:35,670
of a conversation. It's like, goddamn it. I

935
00:34:35,670 --> 00:34:36,329
know better.

936
00:34:37,190 --> 00:34:39,670
It still happens. We it happens to us

937
00:34:39,670 --> 00:34:41,530
a lot less than it used to.

938
00:34:43,335 --> 00:34:44,534
It does help that we don't have a

939
00:34:44,534 --> 00:34:46,855
lot of conflict to work through. Usually, it's

940
00:34:46,855 --> 00:34:48,954
stress related. Yeah. Peak stress,

941
00:34:49,655 --> 00:34:51,195
we are snapping at one another.

942
00:34:51,655 --> 00:34:53,255
I wanna say out of all of the

943
00:34:53,255 --> 00:34:55,734
years we've been together, I think twice maybe

944
00:34:55,734 --> 00:34:57,880
we've yelled at one another. Mhmm. And neither

945
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,719
of us liked that feeling. Neither of us

946
00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:01,640
liked that anger towards one another. So once

947
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,640
we were able to calm down, then we

948
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,300
could have a conversation about it and apologize

949
00:35:06,599 --> 00:35:09,159
if needed and talk about what how the

950
00:35:09,159 --> 00:35:11,215
other one felt. One of the

951
00:35:12,155 --> 00:35:13,355
I don't know how other people feel about

952
00:35:13,355 --> 00:35:15,755
it, but I know from my perspective the

953
00:35:15,755 --> 00:35:17,515
way it has been for me is sometimes

954
00:35:17,515 --> 00:35:18,815
one of the scariest things

955
00:35:19,515 --> 00:35:21,215
is to have to hear

956
00:35:22,170 --> 00:35:24,889
how I made JV feel when I was

957
00:35:24,889 --> 00:35:26,510
not at my best. Yes.

958
00:35:27,449 --> 00:35:29,449
I don't want I don't want to, but

959
00:35:29,449 --> 00:35:31,289
it's an important part of it. It's an

960
00:35:31,289 --> 00:35:32,670
important part of

961
00:35:33,050 --> 00:35:35,144
fixing things that need to be fixed. It's

962
00:35:35,144 --> 00:35:37,804
an important part of owning your own actions,

963
00:35:39,065 --> 00:35:41,144
about learning about one another. Because once we're

964
00:35:41,144 --> 00:35:42,204
calm about it,

965
00:35:42,664 --> 00:35:44,684
you know, the important part is you apologize,

966
00:35:44,905 --> 00:35:46,265
you know, do your best never to do

967
00:35:46,265 --> 00:35:46,710
it again.

968
00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:49,670
But we can have those conversations about where

969
00:35:49,670 --> 00:35:51,909
that stuff comes from too. And that doesn't

970
00:35:51,909 --> 00:35:53,909
excuse it. That doesn't make it go away.

971
00:35:53,909 --> 00:35:55,769
It doesn't mean we shouldn't have to learn

972
00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:59,109
how to handle our emotions better. Mhmm. But

973
00:35:59,109 --> 00:36:01,289
it does give context. You know?

974
00:36:02,214 --> 00:36:04,295
Finally being able to say and admit to

975
00:36:04,295 --> 00:36:05,594
myself and then to JB,

976
00:36:06,214 --> 00:36:07,974
I am, to this day, even though I'm

977
00:36:07,974 --> 00:36:09,414
constantly working on trying to be better about

978
00:36:09,414 --> 00:36:10,234
it, I am

979
00:36:10,534 --> 00:36:11,034
genuinely,

980
00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:13,275
emotionally, mentally triggered by

981
00:36:14,340 --> 00:36:16,660
voices raised in what I perceive to be

982
00:36:16,660 --> 00:36:19,220
anger. And poor JB, he's just a loud

983
00:36:19,220 --> 00:36:19,720
Italian.

984
00:36:22,579 --> 00:36:23,880
What are you talking about?

985
00:36:25,059 --> 00:36:27,539
And sometimes when he gets excited, it sounds

986
00:36:27,539 --> 00:36:28,039
aggressive.

987
00:36:31,034 --> 00:36:33,275
But in the beginning, before I could understand

988
00:36:33,275 --> 00:36:35,434
that within myself and before I could help

989
00:36:35,434 --> 00:36:36,175
him understand

990
00:36:36,554 --> 00:36:38,954
Yeah. We were in air quote arguments, and

991
00:36:38,954 --> 00:36:41,835
he was just, like, asking for basic stuff.

992
00:36:41,835 --> 00:36:44,480
And it was never, thankfully, within our power

993
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:44,980
exchange.

994
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:46,800
If we get to that point where fussing

995
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:47,619
with one another,

996
00:36:48,159 --> 00:36:49,300
we're not in a scene.

997
00:36:49,679 --> 00:36:52,320
We're not deep in a moment that is

998
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,019
clearly dom sub

999
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,639
interaction. It's kind of us just living our

1000
00:36:56,639 --> 00:36:58,945
life where the power exchange is always there.

1001
00:36:58,945 --> 00:37:00,085
It's part of the undercurrent.

1002
00:37:01,425 --> 00:37:03,025
And that's where I have to admit that,

1003
00:37:03,025 --> 00:37:05,025
yeah, the rule might be that I'm always

1004
00:37:05,025 --> 00:37:06,244
supposed to speak respectfully.

1005
00:37:07,425 --> 00:37:08,164
But sometimes

1006
00:37:10,224 --> 00:37:11,925
when you're triggered and or

1007
00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:14,900
your emotion you're not when we'll get to

1008
00:37:14,900 --> 00:37:16,440
an emotional regulation, you're dysregulated.

1009
00:37:17,059 --> 00:37:19,319
It surely does not sound respectful

1010
00:37:20,900 --> 00:37:21,799
when I'm having

1011
00:37:22,739 --> 00:37:23,480
a moment.

1012
00:37:24,659 --> 00:37:25,159
Now

1013
00:37:26,659 --> 00:37:27,059
let's

1014
00:37:27,494 --> 00:37:30,074
the last part of the emotional intelligence stuff

1015
00:37:30,214 --> 00:37:32,795
before I want to maybe speak specifically to

1016
00:37:33,014 --> 00:37:35,255
responsibilities and power exchange and things I've I've

1017
00:37:35,255 --> 00:37:37,734
been thinking about is how to increase your

1018
00:37:37,734 --> 00:37:38,634
emotional intelligence.

1019
00:37:39,094 --> 00:37:41,174
Now this is straight from the Gottmans. I

1020
00:37:41,574 --> 00:37:43,780
if any of this sounds, like, foreign

1021
00:37:44,159 --> 00:37:44,659
to

1022
00:37:45,039 --> 00:37:46,639
you, I'm I'm sure there are other sources.

1023
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:48,159
It might be that you do need, you

1024
00:37:48,159 --> 00:37:48,659
know,

1025
00:37:49,679 --> 00:37:51,539
help from, a mental health professional

1026
00:37:52,079 --> 00:37:53,599
therapy to work through some stuff. Maybe it's

1027
00:37:53,599 --> 00:37:55,039
about your wiring and it's like, okay. I

1028
00:37:55,039 --> 00:37:57,155
need to go learn more about that part

1029
00:37:57,155 --> 00:37:59,494
of myself and why this is harder, whatever.

1030
00:37:59,554 --> 00:38:01,954
But these are just some things that can

1031
00:38:01,954 --> 00:38:02,454
help,

1032
00:38:03,474 --> 00:38:05,255
that I know that I have done before.

1033
00:38:05,954 --> 00:38:08,695
One is pause, check-in with yourself,

1034
00:38:09,394 --> 00:38:10,695
and name your emotion.

1035
00:38:12,980 --> 00:38:15,619
I've gotten better at recognizing in the moment

1036
00:38:15,619 --> 00:38:17,940
when I am responding in a way that

1037
00:38:17,940 --> 00:38:19,719
is outsized to the moment.

1038
00:38:20,019 --> 00:38:22,500
Mhmm. That that was a while getting there.

1039
00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:23,719
I had to do it

1040
00:38:24,224 --> 00:38:26,625
looking back in reverse before I could start

1041
00:38:26,625 --> 00:38:28,465
kind of noticing it in the moment. The

1042
00:38:28,465 --> 00:38:30,644
higher the emotions, the harder that is.

1043
00:38:31,345 --> 00:38:32,465
One of the best things you can do

1044
00:38:32,465 --> 00:38:35,025
for yourself if you're feeling a heightened emotion

1045
00:38:35,025 --> 00:38:37,925
and it's it's not sound feeling very emotionally

1046
00:38:37,985 --> 00:38:39,204
intelligent, right,

1047
00:38:39,505 --> 00:38:41,559
is to take that pause. JB is the

1048
00:38:41,559 --> 00:38:42,599
one that taught it to me, and I

1049
00:38:42,599 --> 00:38:44,119
fucking hated it. The first time he was

1050
00:38:44,119 --> 00:38:46,519
like, look. I am angry. You are angry.

1051
00:38:46,519 --> 00:38:48,920
We're gonna both walk away until we calm

1052
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:50,359
down, and we'll come back and we'll talk

1053
00:38:50,359 --> 00:38:53,079
about it. And I fucking hated it. My

1054
00:38:53,079 --> 00:38:55,775
brain and my body thought it was rejection.

1055
00:38:55,994 --> 00:38:58,175
It was not. It was not. And and

1056
00:38:58,554 --> 00:38:59,454
you took it

1057
00:38:59,914 --> 00:39:01,994
at at first, you took it as meaning

1058
00:39:01,994 --> 00:39:04,255
I was just at brushing it off. Mhmm.

1059
00:39:05,114 --> 00:39:06,875
That's because some people will. And that's the

1060
00:39:06,875 --> 00:39:08,670
thing you as an individual have to be

1061
00:39:08,670 --> 00:39:11,010
careful of with a partner. Is this genuinely

1062
00:39:11,070 --> 00:39:13,710
a a drawing down, a backing off to

1063
00:39:13,710 --> 00:39:15,630
calm down and you'll come back and talk

1064
00:39:15,630 --> 00:39:16,769
about it when you're calm?

1065
00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:18,929
Or is this a way to

1066
00:39:19,550 --> 00:39:20,894
sweep sweep it under the rug? Maybe we'll

1067
00:39:20,894 --> 00:39:22,735
just never talk about it. That is that

1068
00:39:22,735 --> 00:39:23,954
is no good for anybody.

1069
00:39:24,255 --> 00:39:26,655
That's it's gonna come back out. It's just

1070
00:39:26,655 --> 00:39:28,355
another form of repressing emotions.

1071
00:39:30,015 --> 00:39:31,315
This one was also

1072
00:39:31,855 --> 00:39:33,454
difficult for me. I don't know if it

1073
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:34,755
was difficult for you.

1074
00:39:35,750 --> 00:39:38,789
Listen to understand your partner, not defend your

1075
00:39:38,789 --> 00:39:41,429
position. Yeah. That is yeah. That is difficult.

1076
00:39:41,429 --> 00:39:43,269
Because that's in conflict. That's when emotions are

1077
00:39:43,269 --> 00:39:45,369
high and you're pissed or you're confused

1078
00:39:46,069 --> 00:39:47,210
or there's stress

1079
00:39:48,585 --> 00:39:51,224
and something's been said or an expression a

1080
00:39:51,224 --> 00:39:53,644
look on their face and now you're mad.

1081
00:39:53,864 --> 00:39:54,364
It

1082
00:39:54,664 --> 00:39:55,164
takes,

1083
00:39:55,945 --> 00:39:58,125
you know, when when emotions are high,

1084
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:03,559
it is difficult to really listen. Mhmm. You

1085
00:40:03,559 --> 00:40:04,059
know?

1086
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:05,579
And and that's

1087
00:40:07,079 --> 00:40:07,579
bad.

1088
00:40:08,279 --> 00:40:10,519
Right? Yeah. It's bad. Yeah. Bad. Sound like

1089
00:40:10,519 --> 00:40:13,339
a broken record. It's not gonna help anything.

1090
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,135
No. It's not gonna work out the way

1091
00:40:15,135 --> 00:40:16,994
you think it will. And I

1092
00:40:17,614 --> 00:40:19,875
still struggle with this because I

1093
00:40:20,175 --> 00:40:22,655
am a person who, the moment you start

1094
00:40:22,655 --> 00:40:25,215
talking, my brain is finishing your sentences for

1095
00:40:25,215 --> 00:40:26,574
you. I've gotten better at doing that in

1096
00:40:26,574 --> 00:40:28,094
my head and not out loud, and I've

1097
00:40:28,094 --> 00:40:29,795
already moved on to solutions.

1098
00:40:30,940 --> 00:40:33,420
And, yeah, for some things, there needs to

1099
00:40:33,420 --> 00:40:35,660
be a solution at the end. Yeah. But

1100
00:40:35,660 --> 00:40:36,960
for keeping this relationship

1101
00:40:37,820 --> 00:40:40,000
steady, strong for for

1102
00:40:40,619 --> 00:40:41,119
everybody

1103
00:40:41,980 --> 00:40:43,594
in the relationship to have the opportunity to

1104
00:40:43,594 --> 00:40:46,655
feel seen and heard Mhmm. And validated and,

1105
00:40:46,875 --> 00:40:48,335
you know, actual empathy.

1106
00:40:48,875 --> 00:40:50,635
Sometimes you just gotta fucking let them say

1107
00:40:50,635 --> 00:40:52,635
the thing. You know what the solution's gonna

1108
00:40:52,635 --> 00:40:54,315
be. You're gonna get to it, she says

1109
00:40:54,315 --> 00:40:55,369
to herself. You

1110
00:40:55,829 --> 00:40:56,809
there'll be opportunities

1111
00:40:57,349 --> 00:41:00,650
for fixes or even apologies. And sometimes,

1112
00:41:01,430 --> 00:41:03,750
you know, I'm I try to be quick

1113
00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:05,849
to apologize once I can admit to myself

1114
00:41:06,070 --> 00:41:08,309
that I'm wrong. That is also a hard

1115
00:41:08,309 --> 00:41:08,390
thing.

1116
00:41:09,914 --> 00:41:12,074
But I have found that you'll accept the

1117
00:41:12,074 --> 00:41:12,974
apology, but

1118
00:41:13,675 --> 00:41:15,755
you still want to be able to say

1119
00:41:15,755 --> 00:41:17,755
what you need to say. I'm the same

1120
00:41:17,755 --> 00:41:19,755
way. I need to be able to say

1121
00:41:19,755 --> 00:41:21,295
this. I need to be able to express

1122
00:41:21,355 --> 00:41:24,239
this to you. Not for guilt trips, not

1123
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:24,900
for,

1124
00:41:25,519 --> 00:41:25,679
you know,

1125
00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,440
woe is me, not for not for any

1126
00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:31,119
of that, but to know that I said

1127
00:41:31,119 --> 00:41:33,380
it and that you heard it. And so

1128
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,679
the one of the hardest communication skills is

1129
00:41:37,679 --> 00:41:38,340
to listen

1130
00:41:39,199 --> 00:41:41,054
and and not be thinking about what you're

1131
00:41:41,054 --> 00:41:42,114
about to say. Right?

1132
00:41:42,574 --> 00:41:43,394
No. Don't,

1133
00:41:44,175 --> 00:41:46,494
we we actually use this expression in a

1134
00:41:46,494 --> 00:41:47,775
few things, and I can't think of it

1135
00:41:47,775 --> 00:41:49,135
exactly. But basically, it's,

1136
00:41:50,175 --> 00:41:50,675
listening

1137
00:41:51,054 --> 00:41:51,554
listening

1138
00:41:52,494 --> 00:41:55,420
to what they're saying and not just waiting

1139
00:41:55,420 --> 00:41:57,500
your turn to respond? Because there's a difference

1140
00:41:57,500 --> 00:42:00,059
between the two. People call it active listening?

1141
00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:01,579
Yeah. It's part of active listening, but there's,

1142
00:42:01,579 --> 00:42:03,500
like, an expression that we've used before, and

1143
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:04,719
I can't think of what it is.

1144
00:42:05,019 --> 00:42:06,239
And it's hard.

1145
00:42:06,780 --> 00:42:08,054
It is. Mhmm.

1146
00:42:08,614 --> 00:42:10,855
Here's the one I get stuck on, and

1147
00:42:10,855 --> 00:42:12,394
you know you know I do.

1148
00:42:13,414 --> 00:42:15,114
Validate before fixing.

1149
00:42:15,574 --> 00:42:17,335
And then, of course, here's the the lesson

1150
00:42:17,335 --> 00:42:19,255
I had to learn. Ask if they even

1151
00:42:19,255 --> 00:42:21,114
wanna fix in the first place.

1152
00:42:21,574 --> 00:42:22,315
If you

1153
00:42:22,619 --> 00:42:23,360
fuck up

1154
00:42:23,740 --> 00:42:26,460
and your partner is upset with you and

1155
00:42:26,460 --> 00:42:28,940
y'all got to talk about it and you

1156
00:42:28,940 --> 00:42:30,559
can admit to yourself, oops.

1157
00:42:31,660 --> 00:42:33,900
That was my bad. I was wrong. Here's

1158
00:42:33,900 --> 00:42:35,360
maybe how I can fix it.

1159
00:42:35,765 --> 00:42:37,045
I know what I need to do or

1160
00:42:37,045 --> 00:42:38,005
I think I know what I need to

1161
00:42:38,005 --> 00:42:38,505
do.

1162
00:42:39,445 --> 00:42:40,965
Do not come out of the gate with,

1163
00:42:40,965 --> 00:42:42,644
yeah. I done fucked up here. Here's the

1164
00:42:42,644 --> 00:42:43,144
fix.

1165
00:42:43,445 --> 00:42:46,184
Validate the emotions. That's part of understanding

1166
00:42:46,805 --> 00:42:49,320
emotions, your own and your partner's. Right? It's

1167
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,160
part of having empathy. It's part of being

1168
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,780
able to hold that information

1169
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:55,340
and not reject it and not repress it

1170
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:57,880
and not deny it. Right? Because most people

1171
00:42:57,880 --> 00:42:59,719
just wanna be heard and they wanna be

1172
00:42:59,719 --> 00:43:02,039
validated. And you're who wants more validation than

1173
00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:02,119
anybody and deserves it? Your partner. Right? They

1174
00:43:02,119 --> 00:43:02,199
want to know that you see them and

1175
00:43:02,199 --> 00:43:02,780
you see

1176
00:43:04,835 --> 00:43:06,594
want to know that you see them and

1177
00:43:06,594 --> 00:43:08,295
you see their pain and their anger,

1178
00:43:08,594 --> 00:43:11,255
maybe how you fucked up, whatever it is.

1179
00:43:11,554 --> 00:43:13,474
I am really bad at that because I

1180
00:43:13,474 --> 00:43:17,154
don't I I feel physical pain within my

1181
00:43:17,154 --> 00:43:19,930
body when I've done something wrong. That is

1182
00:43:19,930 --> 00:43:21,710
for me and a therapist in the future.

1183
00:43:22,489 --> 00:43:23,930
I am I still have that little kid

1184
00:43:23,930 --> 00:43:25,450
thing of I'm gonna get in trouble, and

1185
00:43:25,450 --> 00:43:26,890
I've gotta make sure I don't get in

1186
00:43:26,890 --> 00:43:29,369
trouble because getting in trouble was a very

1187
00:43:29,369 --> 00:43:32,190
bad thing at one point in my life.

1188
00:43:32,474 --> 00:43:34,394
And so I barrel in with, yeah. I

1189
00:43:34,394 --> 00:43:35,755
did the bad thing. I'm so sorry. Here's

1190
00:43:35,755 --> 00:43:36,974
the fix.

1191
00:43:37,515 --> 00:43:38,255
And that's

1192
00:43:38,635 --> 00:43:40,474
that's fine to have a fix. It's fine

1193
00:43:40,474 --> 00:43:42,414
to offer a fix. But

1194
00:43:42,795 --> 00:43:44,954
if I never fix wanted or needed. And

1195
00:43:44,954 --> 00:43:46,795
if I never stop and just let him

1196
00:43:46,795 --> 00:43:47,295
say,

1197
00:43:47,660 --> 00:43:49,579
I did not like that. That bothered me.

1198
00:43:49,579 --> 00:43:52,300
That hurt my feelings. That was not very

1199
00:43:52,300 --> 00:43:54,860
submissive. Oh, I hate that one. Stab me

1200
00:43:54,860 --> 00:43:57,039
in the heart. I hate that one.

1201
00:43:58,140 --> 00:43:59,420
I mean, I think the only thing you

1202
00:43:59,420 --> 00:44:00,824
could say worse that would make me, like,

1203
00:44:00,905 --> 00:44:01,405
wanna

1204
00:44:01,864 --> 00:44:03,625
just, melt and die is you were not

1205
00:44:03,625 --> 00:44:05,405
a very good girl. Like, ah.

1206
00:44:06,984 --> 00:44:08,664
Just don't do it. Don't do it. Don't

1207
00:44:08,664 --> 00:44:09,324
do it.

1208
00:44:10,425 --> 00:44:12,025
And then we kinda talk about this,

1209
00:44:12,664 --> 00:44:14,425
at the with the pausing and checking in

1210
00:44:14,425 --> 00:44:15,730
with yourself, which is to take a break

1211
00:44:15,730 --> 00:44:17,110
when emotions aren't high.

1212
00:44:17,410 --> 00:44:19,250
I really don't like that one. Yeah. It's

1213
00:44:19,329 --> 00:44:21,289
it works. It does. I'm I know what

1214
00:44:21,289 --> 00:44:23,410
I'm gonna say. Every because every time we

1215
00:44:23,410 --> 00:44:24,469
have done that,

1216
00:44:26,210 --> 00:44:28,875
we've we've walked away. We've are, you know,

1217
00:44:30,074 --> 00:44:32,235
taking a breath. It's been a better outcome.

1218
00:44:32,235 --> 00:44:34,954
And and the outcome was better and there

1219
00:44:34,954 --> 00:44:35,695
was no,

1220
00:44:37,034 --> 00:44:37,434
you know

1221
00:44:39,034 --> 00:44:40,255
I know. I hate it.

1222
00:44:40,635 --> 00:44:41,695
I hate it.

1223
00:44:42,315 --> 00:44:43,755
I hate it. And I know for some

1224
00:44:43,755 --> 00:44:45,829
folks we're like you're like, how does this

1225
00:44:45,829 --> 00:44:47,590
have anything to do with emotional intelligence? This

1226
00:44:47,590 --> 00:44:50,070
is just just good communication skills. This is

1227
00:44:50,070 --> 00:44:52,390
just being a responsible adult. This is just

1228
00:44:52,390 --> 00:44:54,630
being a good partner. Yeah. Because all of

1229
00:44:54,630 --> 00:44:56,090
those things require

1230
00:44:57,269 --> 00:44:58,890
some level of emotional

1231
00:44:59,429 --> 00:44:59,929
intelligence.

1232
00:45:00,355 --> 00:45:01,894
Right. Some level

1233
00:45:02,275 --> 00:45:02,775
of,

1234
00:45:03,155 --> 00:45:05,474
you know, knowing your your own emotions and

1235
00:45:05,474 --> 00:45:07,815
being able to identify your emotions and then

1236
00:45:08,114 --> 00:45:11,094
being able to ideally identify your partners

1237
00:45:11,474 --> 00:45:14,114
or when they identify them go, oh, okay.

1238
00:45:14,114 --> 00:45:15,960
And take in that information and have empathy

1239
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,199
with what they might be experiencing and feeling

1240
00:45:18,199 --> 00:45:21,019
and yeah. All of that's part of it.

1241
00:45:22,679 --> 00:45:23,179
Within

1242
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:25,900
power exchange specifically though,

1243
00:45:28,764 --> 00:45:30,525
When I was telling JB I wanted to

1244
00:45:30,525 --> 00:45:31,264
do this

1245
00:45:31,565 --> 00:45:33,264
this topic and I was

1246
00:45:33,644 --> 00:45:35,264
riffing with what I was thinking,

1247
00:45:35,965 --> 00:45:37,324
he was he's just looking at me and

1248
00:45:37,324 --> 00:45:39,164
he's smiling a little bit like he's doing

1249
00:45:39,164 --> 00:45:40,605
now. And I said something and I don't

1250
00:45:40,605 --> 00:45:42,125
even remember what it is anymore because y'all

1251
00:45:42,125 --> 00:45:44,960
know me and the Swiss cheese brain. And

1252
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:48,304
I was like, I is it gonna just

1253
00:45:48,304 --> 00:45:51,276
be me lecturing doms for an hour? And

1254
00:45:51,276 --> 00:45:54,619
he goes, it sounds like so I want

1255
00:45:54,991 --> 00:45:57,963
I do wanna talk about emotional intelligence from

1256
00:45:57,963 --> 00:45:59,315
both sides of the slash.

1257
00:46:00,494 --> 00:46:00,994
So

1258
00:46:01,695 --> 00:46:03,155
let's start with doms though.

1259
00:46:03,614 --> 00:46:05,714
Okay. Because there are those

1260
00:46:06,014 --> 00:46:08,094
folks out there who think, well, I'm the

1261
00:46:08,094 --> 00:46:08,594
dom.

1262
00:46:09,454 --> 00:46:12,275
I'm in charge. Mhmm. What I say goes,

1263
00:46:12,414 --> 00:46:14,619
and if you don't like it or if

1264
00:46:14,619 --> 00:46:16,800
it rubs you the wrong way or

1265
00:46:17,179 --> 00:46:19,440
you have strong feelings about it,

1266
00:46:20,780 --> 00:46:22,639
who cares? I'm the dumb.

1267
00:46:22,940 --> 00:46:24,719
I'm in charge. I'm in control.

1268
00:46:25,500 --> 00:46:26,639
I'm a tell you.

1269
00:46:27,594 --> 00:46:29,755
I don't like that at all. Not just

1270
00:46:29,755 --> 00:46:31,835
on a personal level. I could not have

1271
00:46:31,835 --> 00:46:33,295
a dom like that.

1272
00:46:33,835 --> 00:46:34,335
Yes.

1273
00:46:35,035 --> 00:46:35,535
Yes.

1274
00:46:36,235 --> 00:46:36,974
But also,

1275
00:46:38,075 --> 00:46:38,974
from a

1276
00:46:40,369 --> 00:46:42,630
perspective of I don't think you do yourself

1277
00:46:42,690 --> 00:46:43,750
or your partner

1278
00:46:44,130 --> 00:46:44,949
any favors

1279
00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:46,949
when you

1280
00:46:47,809 --> 00:46:49,510
see things that way.

1281
00:46:50,369 --> 00:46:52,610
You know, when you when you kind of

1282
00:46:52,610 --> 00:46:55,025
have the it's my way or the highway

1283
00:46:55,565 --> 00:46:56,625
sort of vibe

1284
00:46:59,484 --> 00:47:02,125
not always. It can't always. You are a

1285
00:47:02,125 --> 00:47:05,425
fallible human being. You can fuck up.

1286
00:47:06,190 --> 00:47:07,410
You can be misinterpreted,

1287
00:47:07,869 --> 00:47:09,550
you can use a tone that if you

1288
00:47:09,550 --> 00:47:12,670
don't understand your partner and you haven't cared

1289
00:47:12,670 --> 00:47:13,809
enough to learn

1290
00:47:14,510 --> 00:47:16,510
who they are and what they need and

1291
00:47:16,510 --> 00:47:18,684
their own triggers and all these things, then

1292
00:47:18,684 --> 00:47:21,424
you're just like bulldozing over a partner

1293
00:47:21,885 --> 00:47:23,804
and I don't you don't become their safe

1294
00:47:23,804 --> 00:47:26,364
person. I'm not sure how you get peak

1295
00:47:26,364 --> 00:47:28,385
vulnerability and intimacy from them.

1296
00:47:29,804 --> 00:47:31,949
I'm just not a fan

1297
00:47:32,609 --> 00:47:33,109
of

1298
00:47:33,769 --> 00:47:35,530
it. Like, you can have the I am

1299
00:47:35,530 --> 00:47:37,289
ultimately in charge because this is what we've

1300
00:47:37,289 --> 00:47:38,829
negotiated and still

1301
00:47:39,289 --> 00:47:41,230
have emotional intelligence and give

1302
00:47:41,769 --> 00:47:42,989
a fuck about

1303
00:47:43,449 --> 00:47:46,014
where how what your partner feels, your part

1304
00:47:46,014 --> 00:47:48,175
and how your partner feels, when you fuck

1305
00:47:48,175 --> 00:47:50,034
it up and how to fix it.

1306
00:47:52,414 --> 00:47:52,914
Yeah.

1307
00:47:53,775 --> 00:47:54,275
Now,

1308
00:47:54,574 --> 00:47:55,855
what would you say to that before I

1309
00:47:55,855 --> 00:47:57,795
get into the side of this box? I

1310
00:47:58,014 --> 00:48:00,114
I agree with what you said. Mhmm.

1311
00:48:00,650 --> 00:48:01,230
You know,

1312
00:48:01,849 --> 00:48:03,469
and I I know this is something

1313
00:48:04,809 --> 00:48:07,130
that I wrestle with, you know. I have

1314
00:48:07,130 --> 00:48:08,110
always said

1315
00:48:10,010 --> 00:48:11,150
how do I say it?

1316
00:48:14,085 --> 00:48:15,784
Shit, I can't think of it right now.

1317
00:48:16,324 --> 00:48:17,065
But anyway,

1318
00:48:17,364 --> 00:48:18,264
you know, with

1319
00:48:19,125 --> 00:48:21,605
it's tough and even even as a dom,

1320
00:48:21,605 --> 00:48:23,445
you know, yeah it's it's easy to say,

1321
00:48:23,445 --> 00:48:25,125
oh you know, you gotta do everything I

1322
00:48:25,125 --> 00:48:25,625
say.

1323
00:48:26,164 --> 00:48:26,905
But it's

1324
00:48:27,284 --> 00:48:28,425
it's it's not and

1325
00:48:29,829 --> 00:48:31,590
you know, this is something I'm working on

1326
00:48:31,590 --> 00:48:32,090
myself,

1327
00:48:32,469 --> 00:48:35,269
okay, with the emotional regular regulation. Which we'll

1328
00:48:35,269 --> 00:48:36,869
get into. Yeah. Which, you know, which we

1329
00:48:36,869 --> 00:48:38,469
kinda saw this morning a little bit. Because

1330
00:48:38,469 --> 00:48:39,989
you know I got thoughts on that. Right.

1331
00:48:39,989 --> 00:48:40,489
Mhmm.

1332
00:48:40,949 --> 00:48:41,449
So,

1333
00:48:43,275 --> 00:48:45,775
you know, it's it's something that I think,

1334
00:48:46,635 --> 00:48:49,034
you know, big d's need to work on

1335
00:48:49,275 --> 00:48:52,474
Mhmm. Should work on. Mhmm. You know, it's

1336
00:48:55,070 --> 00:48:56,829
it kinda goes hand in hand with, you

1337
00:48:56,829 --> 00:48:58,610
know, we we talk about communication

1338
00:48:59,789 --> 00:49:00,369
a lot.

1339
00:49:00,829 --> 00:49:02,130
But bringing the emotions

1340
00:49:02,429 --> 00:49:03,250
into it

1341
00:49:04,110 --> 00:49:05,170
then kind of

1342
00:49:05,710 --> 00:49:06,690
brings it together.

1343
00:49:07,469 --> 00:49:09,155
Yes. Because, you know, there's something to be

1344
00:49:09,155 --> 00:49:10,214
said for stoicism

1345
00:49:10,514 --> 00:49:12,914
and and being stoic, but and I will

1346
00:49:12,914 --> 00:49:14,214
not pretend I understand

1347
00:49:15,234 --> 00:49:17,474
anything about being stoic. I am not capable

1348
00:49:17,474 --> 00:49:18,054
of it.

1349
00:49:18,594 --> 00:49:20,195
I don't think that means you turn off

1350
00:49:20,195 --> 00:49:22,135
emotions. I have come across too many

1351
00:49:22,434 --> 00:49:24,969
either actual doms who are just fucking trying

1352
00:49:24,969 --> 00:49:26,329
to figure it out or the air quote

1353
00:49:26,329 --> 00:49:26,829
kind,

1354
00:49:27,849 --> 00:49:30,750
who think that if showing emotion is weakness,

1355
00:49:30,809 --> 00:49:31,789
admitting to

1356
00:49:32,170 --> 00:49:33,150
fault is weakness,

1357
00:49:34,329 --> 00:49:38,164
telling their submissive partner, apologizing to their submissive

1358
00:49:38,164 --> 00:49:40,804
partner, admitting that they've done wrong is a

1359
00:49:40,804 --> 00:49:41,304
weakness.

1360
00:49:41,605 --> 00:49:44,164
Yeah. Yeah. Get away from me. I that

1361
00:49:44,164 --> 00:49:46,485
does not sound safe to me. Because if

1362
00:49:46,485 --> 00:49:47,864
you think you are above

1363
00:49:48,804 --> 00:49:51,179
all of that emotional work, then

1364
00:49:51,719 --> 00:49:53,400
it might not happen today, it might happen

1365
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:55,980
tomorrow, but you are on track to cause

1366
00:49:56,119 --> 00:49:56,619
harm

1367
00:49:57,559 --> 00:49:59,659
to the person, to the relationship,

1368
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:01,179
because the whole thing is emotional on some

1369
00:50:09,465 --> 00:50:11,864
loving relationships where you're maybe trying to build

1370
00:50:11,864 --> 00:50:13,625
a life together, you're trying to raise a

1371
00:50:13,625 --> 00:50:15,224
child together, you're trying to do all these

1372
00:50:15,224 --> 00:50:17,880
things together and emotions are inherently involved.

1373
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:20,679
But even when we're just talking about singing

1374
00:50:20,679 --> 00:50:23,339
together, that both of you are bearing yourself

1375
00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:25,480
to vulnerabilities. You are being intimate in a

1376
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:26,619
way that

1377
00:50:27,159 --> 00:50:29,179
it's not just about, you know,

1378
00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:32,704
use toy on body and bottom

1379
00:50:33,164 --> 00:50:33,905
responds appropriately.

1380
00:50:34,204 --> 00:50:36,525
They you know, things come up in those

1381
00:50:36,525 --> 00:50:38,545
moments. Memories come up.

1382
00:50:41,085 --> 00:50:43,405
Repressed emotions can come up. Triggers can come

1383
00:50:43,405 --> 00:50:44,465
up. And

1384
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:47,940
if you, the dom, think you are somehow

1385
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,579
above that level of work and care,

1386
00:50:51,519 --> 00:50:53,940
then you're you're a shit fucking dom.

1387
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:56,340
You just are because

1388
00:50:57,119 --> 00:50:58,099
the responsibility

1389
00:50:59,085 --> 00:50:59,585
of

1390
00:51:00,284 --> 00:51:01,344
being in charge,

1391
00:51:02,125 --> 00:51:03,885
doing the thing in the scene, whatever it

1392
00:51:03,885 --> 00:51:04,385
is,

1393
00:51:05,405 --> 00:51:06,144
the responsibility

1394
00:51:06,445 --> 00:51:08,045
is not just to make sure that the

1395
00:51:08,045 --> 00:51:09,744
person walks out of there physically,

1396
00:51:10,125 --> 00:51:11,820
ideally, air quote, safe,

1397
00:51:12,219 --> 00:51:14,719
you know, with risk mitigated, air quote, unharmed.

1398
00:51:15,820 --> 00:51:19,199
There's the emotional and mental as well. Now

1399
00:51:19,260 --> 00:51:21,500
the other side of the slash, yes, submissives

1400
00:51:21,500 --> 00:51:23,519
and bottoms are responsible for their own,

1401
00:51:24,140 --> 00:51:26,000
you know, emotions and

1402
00:51:26,534 --> 00:51:29,414
and risk mitigation and, you know, all of

1403
00:51:29,414 --> 00:51:31,734
that, which is where emotional intelligence becomes very

1404
00:51:31,734 --> 00:51:33,994
important for submissives as well. Submissives,

1405
00:51:35,014 --> 00:51:37,014
not all of us, but many of us

1406
00:51:37,014 --> 00:51:38,315
and I am in this category,

1407
00:51:38,940 --> 00:51:41,280
fucking struggle to just say hardship,

1408
00:51:41,900 --> 00:51:44,300
to say that they're angry or to say

1409
00:51:44,300 --> 00:51:45,359
that they're disappointed

1410
00:51:45,659 --> 00:51:47,599
or to say I don't like this.

1411
00:51:48,139 --> 00:51:49,659
And, you know, it comes from a lot

1412
00:51:49,659 --> 00:51:52,034
of different places. My experience is it comes

1413
00:51:52,034 --> 00:51:53,795
from a fear of rejection. Right? I'm gonna

1414
00:51:53,795 --> 00:51:54,835
tell you I don't like a thing and

1415
00:51:54,835 --> 00:51:56,195
you're gonna say, well, I'm never fucking doing

1416
00:51:56,195 --> 00:51:58,835
that again. And, what you know? Right? Or

1417
00:51:58,835 --> 00:52:01,635
it's stuff from childhood or it's whatever. Wherever

1418
00:52:01,635 --> 00:52:03,715
that those fears come from, if you are

1419
00:52:03,715 --> 00:52:05,335
a person who can relate to that.

1420
00:52:06,059 --> 00:52:07,739
What that tends to be is that I

1421
00:52:07,739 --> 00:52:11,420
see, myself included, submissives will repress shit because

1422
00:52:11,420 --> 00:52:12,480
they don't wanna disappoint.

1423
00:52:12,780 --> 00:52:14,780
They don't wanna be rejected. They don't wanna

1424
00:52:14,780 --> 00:52:17,119
make their partner angry. They don't wanna disappoint

1425
00:52:17,180 --> 00:52:17,534
them.

1426
00:52:18,014 --> 00:52:19,074
Well, you're doing

1427
00:52:19,375 --> 00:52:22,114
neither of you any good if you can't

1428
00:52:22,894 --> 00:52:25,155
find ways to communicate that stuff.

1429
00:52:25,534 --> 00:52:27,694
And it is in the finding ways to

1430
00:52:27,694 --> 00:52:29,610
communicate that stuff that you kinda learn who

1431
00:52:29,610 --> 00:52:31,530
the fuck your partner is and what kind

1432
00:52:31,530 --> 00:52:33,369
of dom they are. Because if they can't

1433
00:52:33,369 --> 00:52:33,869
handle

1434
00:52:34,489 --> 00:52:37,390
your emotions, which will not always come out

1435
00:52:38,090 --> 00:52:40,410
smooth and clean and, you know, real coherent,

1436
00:52:40,410 --> 00:52:42,184
sometimes it'll come out messy and we're gonna

1437
00:52:42,184 --> 00:52:44,605
get into emotional regulation in a moment.

1438
00:52:46,344 --> 00:52:47,945
You know, that gives you a lot of

1439
00:52:47,945 --> 00:52:49,644
information that you need. Right?

1440
00:52:49,945 --> 00:52:50,445
Mhmm.

1441
00:52:51,385 --> 00:52:54,184
JB is this my the safest person I've

1442
00:52:54,184 --> 00:52:55,739
ever had in my life where I can

1443
00:52:56,300 --> 00:52:59,739
be my weirdest fucking self. I can I

1444
00:52:59,739 --> 00:53:01,340
still struggle to cry in front of people,

1445
00:53:01,340 --> 00:53:03,179
but I am better kind of at crying

1446
00:53:03,179 --> 00:53:04,940
in front of him? That's between me and

1447
00:53:04,940 --> 00:53:05,840
a future therapist.

1448
00:53:07,099 --> 00:53:09,019
But I can say you've pissed me off.

1449
00:53:09,019 --> 00:53:09,920
I can say

1450
00:53:10,219 --> 00:53:12,375
I think that was wrong. I can say

1451
00:53:13,235 --> 00:53:15,315
the hard stuff, the the stuff I don't

1452
00:53:15,315 --> 00:53:17,414
wanna be true. I've said this many times

1453
00:53:17,555 --> 00:53:18,855
in the podcast.

1454
00:53:19,635 --> 00:53:22,594
I physically hate it, and it hurts body

1455
00:53:22,594 --> 00:53:24,594
and soul when I have to admit to

1456
00:53:24,594 --> 00:53:27,289
myself that JB fucked up and did something

1457
00:53:27,289 --> 00:53:29,769
wrong or was wrong. I don't want him

1458
00:53:29,769 --> 00:53:32,889
to ever be wrong. But the dumbest shit

1459
00:53:32,889 --> 00:53:34,889
I could do is to pretend that he's

1460
00:53:34,889 --> 00:53:35,389
not,

1461
00:53:35,690 --> 00:53:37,070
to act like he's not.

1462
00:53:37,530 --> 00:53:39,784
I have to, like, go, nope. I gotta

1463
00:53:39,784 --> 00:53:42,264
tell you in hopefully a kind way, hopefully

1464
00:53:42,264 --> 00:53:44,525
an emotionally intelligent, calm way,

1465
00:53:46,025 --> 00:53:48,184
that was wrong. That I don't like that.

1466
00:53:48,184 --> 00:53:49,324
That hurt my feelings.

1467
00:53:50,824 --> 00:53:52,744
And he has had to found find ways

1468
00:53:52,744 --> 00:53:53,724
of telling me

1469
00:53:54,980 --> 00:53:57,319
his version of that, the equivalent of that

1470
00:53:57,859 --> 00:53:58,359
without,

1471
00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:01,859
like, crushing my spirit because that's that's the

1472
00:54:01,859 --> 00:54:04,500
thing the power that doms have. Right? Mhmm.

1473
00:54:04,500 --> 00:54:06,179
Depending on who the submissive is and how

1474
00:54:06,179 --> 00:54:08,420
they're wired and the things that that they're

1475
00:54:08,500 --> 00:54:09,244
that dom

1476
00:54:12,025 --> 00:54:12,925
tells you,

1477
00:54:13,704 --> 00:54:15,244
I'm upset. I'm disappointed.

1478
00:54:15,704 --> 00:54:16,684
That was wrong.

1479
00:54:18,105 --> 00:54:20,345
That can that could crush a soul if

1480
00:54:20,345 --> 00:54:21,805
not handled properly.

1481
00:54:23,579 --> 00:54:26,219
So it's it's both it's both sides of

1482
00:54:26,219 --> 00:54:27,739
the slash. I was watching I wish I

1483
00:54:27,739 --> 00:54:30,079
had saved it. I was watching a reel,

1484
00:54:30,299 --> 00:54:31,900
and I somehow managed to get on the

1485
00:54:31,900 --> 00:54:34,219
kink side of the algorithm. And it was

1486
00:54:34,219 --> 00:54:36,025
somebody, and I can see their face in

1487
00:54:36,025 --> 00:54:36,985
my head, and I don't know their name.

1488
00:54:36,985 --> 00:54:38,985
I'd never come across it before. And they

1489
00:54:38,985 --> 00:54:40,525
were talking about the importance

1490
00:54:41,625 --> 00:54:42,284
of submissives

1491
00:54:42,664 --> 00:54:44,925
owning their own emotions and owning

1492
00:54:45,465 --> 00:54:47,085
owning that side of themselves.

1493
00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:49,719
And I wanna say they were talking about

1494
00:54:49,719 --> 00:54:51,260
it with respect to

1495
00:54:52,359 --> 00:54:53,960
I think they were talking about it actually

1496
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:55,179
in terms of, like,

1497
00:54:56,839 --> 00:54:57,339
aftercare

1498
00:54:57,960 --> 00:54:58,460
and

1499
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,099
subspace and negotiating scenes

1500
00:55:01,664 --> 00:55:02,164
where

1501
00:55:02,465 --> 00:55:04,144
there are submissives who will kind of just

1502
00:55:04,144 --> 00:55:05,525
make all of that

1503
00:55:05,985 --> 00:55:08,144
the responsibility of the dom, and they don't

1504
00:55:08,144 --> 00:55:10,465
interact with it, and they don't negotiate it,

1505
00:55:10,465 --> 00:55:12,945
and they don't participate in it. Like, in

1506
00:55:12,945 --> 00:55:15,179
some space, once once you've gone offline,

1507
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:17,079
you're kind of at the mercy of your

1508
00:55:17,079 --> 00:55:19,160
dom. Maybe you can't speak, maybe you can't

1509
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:21,079
move. Yeah. But as you come back online

1510
00:55:21,079 --> 00:55:22,920
or in the preparation for that, in the

1511
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:25,340
negotiation part, you know, or,

1512
00:55:26,039 --> 00:55:27,764
in the making sure you get what you

1513
00:55:27,764 --> 00:55:29,525
need whether your dom can give it to

1514
00:55:29,525 --> 00:55:31,364
you or not, you know, there's still a

1515
00:55:31,364 --> 00:55:31,864
responsibility

1516
00:55:32,164 --> 00:55:34,264
for submissives to be able to

1517
00:55:34,885 --> 00:55:38,164
understand themselves, to communicate those needs, to own

1518
00:55:38,164 --> 00:55:40,340
their needs, to do the work on themselves

1519
00:55:40,340 --> 00:55:42,579
that they need to do. They're that I

1520
00:55:42,579 --> 00:55:44,820
think I'm also thinking of another creator who

1521
00:55:44,820 --> 00:55:45,800
was talking about

1522
00:55:46,579 --> 00:55:49,219
too many submissives, not all, of course, but

1523
00:55:49,219 --> 00:55:50,280
too many submissives

1524
00:55:50,980 --> 00:55:52,434
kind of just wanna go

1525
00:55:52,815 --> 00:55:54,494
hand all of that off to their dom

1526
00:55:54,494 --> 00:55:56,255
and go, you're in charge of everything, including

1527
00:55:56,255 --> 00:55:57,695
how I feel and how I'm gonna respond

1528
00:55:57,695 --> 00:55:59,295
to everything. And I just don't wanna have

1529
00:55:59,295 --> 00:56:01,375
to think, now look. Am I a fan

1530
00:56:01,375 --> 00:56:03,215
of turning off my brain and following like

1531
00:56:03,215 --> 00:56:04,755
a little duckling? Yes.

1532
00:56:05,614 --> 00:56:06,994
But that does not

1533
00:56:08,329 --> 00:56:10,969
excuse me from the responsibility of owning my

1534
00:56:10,969 --> 00:56:14,269
own shit. Right? Communicating my own needs,

1535
00:56:14,890 --> 00:56:17,610
communicating when, things are going well and when

1536
00:56:17,610 --> 00:56:20,565
things are not going well. You know? Communicating

1537
00:56:20,864 --> 00:56:23,505
when I'm off in some way, and it's

1538
00:56:23,505 --> 00:56:25,824
a 100% going to affect the dynamic. That

1539
00:56:25,824 --> 00:56:27,204
is not JB's responsibility

1540
00:56:27,505 --> 00:56:29,425
to know all of that stuff and to

1541
00:56:29,425 --> 00:56:30,864
pull it out of me all of the

1542
00:56:30,864 --> 00:56:31,364
time.

1543
00:56:31,760 --> 00:56:33,699
Both sides of the slash have to participate

1544
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:34,260
equally.

1545
00:56:35,119 --> 00:56:35,940
It's true.

1546
00:56:37,519 --> 00:56:39,760
So look. I ended up lecturing the subs

1547
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:40,900
more than the time.

1548
00:56:42,239 --> 00:56:44,344
So emotional intelligence. Let's just do. Let me

1549
00:56:44,344 --> 00:56:46,045
back up real quick as a reminder

1550
00:56:46,424 --> 00:56:48,525
of what the fuck that even is. Right?

1551
00:56:48,664 --> 00:56:51,144
It's your ability to identify and manage your

1552
00:56:51,144 --> 00:56:54,025
emotions, to improve relationships, manage stress, make better

1553
00:56:54,025 --> 00:56:54,525
decisions,

1554
00:56:54,904 --> 00:56:57,889
enhance your personal and social well-being. Right?

1555
00:56:58,269 --> 00:57:00,190
The key thing is you've got to identify

1556
00:57:00,190 --> 00:57:03,010
and manage your emotions, and that can sometimes

1557
00:57:03,150 --> 00:57:04,929
fucking suck, and I won't

1558
00:57:05,550 --> 00:57:06,530
pretend otherwise.

1559
00:57:06,909 --> 00:57:08,909
It does. But it could also be freeing

1560
00:57:08,909 --> 00:57:11,329
when you're with somebody where you can say

1561
00:57:12,035 --> 00:57:12,855
with no,

1562
00:57:13,155 --> 00:57:15,655
like, fear of or actual repercussion,

1563
00:57:16,515 --> 00:57:18,594
hey. I didn't like how that went. I

1564
00:57:18,594 --> 00:57:20,755
didn't like that conversation. That this is how

1565
00:57:20,755 --> 00:57:21,894
I felt. Right?

1566
00:57:22,594 --> 00:57:24,355
To be able to to say that and

1567
00:57:24,355 --> 00:57:25,795
know that there will not be a rejection

1568
00:57:25,795 --> 00:57:27,170
on the other end, and you can have

1569
00:57:27,170 --> 00:57:29,589
the adult conversation back and forth

1570
00:57:30,130 --> 00:57:31,809
about what that might mean. And look. Look.

1571
00:57:31,809 --> 00:57:33,329
Sometimes you're gonna say, I didn't like that,

1572
00:57:33,329 --> 00:57:34,690
and this is how I felt about it.

1573
00:57:34,690 --> 00:57:36,130
And your partner's gonna go, I did not

1574
00:57:36,130 --> 00:57:37,569
agree, and I did not think that's what

1575
00:57:37,569 --> 00:57:39,344
happened. You're gonna do this back and forth

1576
00:57:39,344 --> 00:57:41,764
thing. But the important part is are you

1577
00:57:41,905 --> 00:57:43,684
listening to one another to understand?

1578
00:57:44,545 --> 00:57:47,264
Are you taking that beat to make sure

1579
00:57:47,264 --> 00:57:49,045
you're addressing this calmly?

1580
00:57:49,664 --> 00:57:50,164
Right?

1581
00:57:50,704 --> 00:57:52,710
And sometimes you agree to disagree, but you

1582
00:57:52,710 --> 00:57:55,030
decide, okay. We won't do that thing that

1583
00:57:55,030 --> 00:57:56,489
way anymore. Right?

1584
00:57:57,269 --> 00:57:58,889
And all that's fucking tough.

1585
00:57:59,269 --> 00:58:02,070
That's hard fucking work. It's not I like

1586
00:58:02,070 --> 00:58:04,469
it because I like the outcome of it.

1587
00:58:04,469 --> 00:58:05,690
I like the kind of relationship

1588
00:58:05,989 --> 00:58:08,625
we have. In in the trenches of it,

1589
00:58:08,625 --> 00:58:11,344
sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it sucks. But it's

1590
00:58:11,344 --> 00:58:13,525
important. Sometimes it's not pretty. No.

1591
00:58:13,985 --> 00:58:16,565
No. So let's talk about emotional regulation.

1592
00:58:17,184 --> 00:58:19,265
Now why did I wanna talk about emotional

1593
00:58:19,265 --> 00:58:21,684
regulation with regards to emotional intelligence?

1594
00:58:23,139 --> 00:58:25,460
Because what can one thing of many that

1595
00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:28,039
can come from emotional intelligence is the ability

1596
00:58:28,260 --> 00:58:29,639
to emotionally regulate.

1597
00:58:30,099 --> 00:58:30,599
And

1598
00:58:31,539 --> 00:58:33,400
and that becomes important for

1599
00:58:33,940 --> 00:58:36,280
all kinksters, all sides of slashes.

1600
00:58:37,175 --> 00:58:39,175
But when I think about that, part of

1601
00:58:39,175 --> 00:58:40,315
why this is important,

1602
00:58:41,255 --> 00:58:43,434
it goes back to when we tell doms,

1603
00:58:43,494 --> 00:58:45,414
do not dom when you're pissed. Do not

1604
00:58:45,414 --> 00:58:47,175
punish when you're pissed. Because guess what? When

1605
00:58:47,175 --> 00:58:48,534
you're pissed and you're doing those things, you're

1606
00:58:48,534 --> 00:58:50,934
probably not emotionally regulated, and that's when bad

1607
00:58:50,934 --> 00:58:53,699
shit happens. Yeah. And I remembered what I

1608
00:58:53,699 --> 00:58:55,400
wanted to mention earlier.

1609
00:58:56,099 --> 00:58:57,880
You know, it's not about being

1610
00:58:58,900 --> 00:59:00,199
controlling. Mhmm.

1611
00:59:00,660 --> 00:59:03,140
It's about being in control. Like self control.

1612
00:59:03,140 --> 00:59:05,380
So but just as much in control of

1613
00:59:05,380 --> 00:59:09,074
yourself. Yes. Yes. Yes. A 100% agree. Okay.

1614
00:59:09,074 --> 00:59:10,535
Let's talk about emotional regulation.

1615
00:59:11,315 --> 00:59:13,715
Emotional regulation is an important part of emotional

1616
00:59:13,715 --> 00:59:16,114
intelligence and refers to your ability to manage

1617
00:59:16,114 --> 00:59:18,755
your emotions in a healthy way. You're able

1618
00:59:18,755 --> 00:59:21,190
to recognize when you're stressed, angry, or feeling

1619
00:59:21,190 --> 00:59:23,670
overwhelmed and take action to manage your emotions

1620
00:59:23,670 --> 00:59:26,550
and soothe yourself in a healthy way. Healthy

1621
00:59:26,550 --> 00:59:27,989
is doing a lot of heavy lifting in

1622
00:59:27,989 --> 00:59:29,530
some of these and it's like, okay. Can

1623
00:59:29,750 --> 00:59:32,570
what does that mean? And Yeah. The other,

1624
00:59:34,295 --> 00:59:36,715
part of the definition from another source, effective

1625
00:59:36,775 --> 00:59:39,434
emotional regulation requires self awareness,

1626
00:59:40,055 --> 00:59:40,875
self control,

1627
00:59:41,335 --> 00:59:43,675
and the ability to empathize with others.

1628
00:59:46,215 --> 00:59:46,715
Okay.

1629
00:59:47,015 --> 00:59:48,155
Emotional regulation

1630
00:59:50,219 --> 00:59:53,099
is it's the work you do with yourself

1631
00:59:53,099 --> 00:59:54,559
on yourself. Okay?

1632
00:59:55,500 --> 00:59:58,460
I had this pitiful little moment the other

1633
00:59:58,460 --> 00:59:59,579
day, and then I realized what I was

1634
00:59:59,579 --> 01:00:01,019
doing. I was like, look. I hope I

1635
01:00:01,019 --> 01:00:02,335
remember this so I can use this as

1636
01:00:02,335 --> 01:00:03,614
an example because it had nothing to do

1637
01:00:03,614 --> 01:00:05,614
with our power exchange. Had everything to do

1638
01:00:05,614 --> 01:00:07,934
with me and my triggers and the gunk

1639
01:00:07,934 --> 01:00:09,215
that still lives in my head after all

1640
01:00:09,215 --> 01:00:09,954
these years.

1641
01:00:10,735 --> 01:00:12,434
I don't exactly remember.

1642
01:00:13,135 --> 01:00:15,295
Oh, I wanted to tell JB some ideas

1643
01:00:15,295 --> 01:00:17,339
I had because we're traveling and there's a

1644
01:00:17,339 --> 01:00:19,099
lot to organize. We have not traveled since

1645
01:00:19,099 --> 01:00:20,799
2019. There's a lot to organize.

1646
01:00:21,819 --> 01:00:22,319
And,

1647
01:00:23,579 --> 01:00:25,659
he asked and I have learned to just

1648
01:00:25,659 --> 01:00:27,500
ask, can I tell you this? Like, are

1649
01:00:27,500 --> 01:00:29,920
are you in a space to hear this?

1650
01:00:30,139 --> 01:00:30,824
Now normally,

1651
01:00:31,464 --> 01:00:32,984
when I when I do that and I

1652
01:00:32,984 --> 01:00:34,664
use my big girl words and I'm very

1653
01:00:34,664 --> 01:00:35,964
mature about it,

1654
01:00:36,264 --> 01:00:38,425
he says, why, yes. Give me a few

1655
01:00:38,425 --> 01:00:39,324
minutes. Or,

1656
01:00:39,625 --> 01:00:41,065
yes. We'll do it at this time. And

1657
01:00:41,065 --> 01:00:43,385
he gives me a time. This time, that

1658
01:00:43,385 --> 01:00:44,789
was not where his head was at. And

1659
01:00:44,789 --> 01:00:46,469
he went, I do wanna hear what you

1660
01:00:46,469 --> 01:00:47,910
think, but not right now. And it was

1661
01:00:47,910 --> 01:00:49,050
a very firm boundary.

1662
01:00:49,989 --> 01:00:52,309
And my feelings got hurt. Now can I

1663
01:00:52,309 --> 01:00:54,789
explain why? Not really. Not not without the

1664
01:00:54,789 --> 01:00:56,570
presence of a therapist I don't have.

1665
01:00:57,664 --> 01:00:59,425
What I did though because I immediately had

1666
01:00:59,425 --> 01:01:01,264
this feeling of my feelings are hurt and

1667
01:01:01,264 --> 01:01:02,244
also that doesn't

1668
01:01:02,704 --> 01:01:04,385
that doesn't make sense for this moment because

1669
01:01:04,385 --> 01:01:05,984
Jimmy didn't do anything wrong. We were not

1670
01:01:05,984 --> 01:01:06,484
arguing.

1671
01:01:06,864 --> 01:01:08,864
He just said, no. Not right now. And

1672
01:01:08,864 --> 01:01:10,464
it was a pretty firm boundary. I walk

1673
01:01:10,464 --> 01:01:11,929
into the bedroom by myself

1674
01:01:12,389 --> 01:01:13,989
and I can feel myself welling up. Now

1675
01:01:13,989 --> 01:01:16,230
here's the problem with emotional intelligence and emotional

1676
01:01:16,230 --> 01:01:17,589
regulation. This is why I said it when

1677
01:01:17,589 --> 01:01:19,589
we're talking about emotional intelligence. Sometimes you're gonna

1678
01:01:19,589 --> 01:01:21,429
feel an emotion and your brain is gonna

1679
01:01:21,429 --> 01:01:22,969
tell you you're not supposed to,

1680
01:01:23,269 --> 01:01:25,369
you shouldn't, that's a dumb emotion,

1681
01:01:25,704 --> 01:01:27,784
You're you it's you know, you're blowing something

1682
01:01:27,784 --> 01:01:29,385
out of proportion. It's gonna tell you all

1683
01:01:29,385 --> 01:01:32,184
those things. And for me, when it's doing

1684
01:01:32,184 --> 01:01:34,744
that, it's like it's I'm shaming myself into

1685
01:01:34,744 --> 01:01:37,704
not feeling it, into negating the emotion. That

1686
01:01:37,704 --> 01:01:39,164
is no. That's no good.

1687
01:01:39,625 --> 01:01:42,179
Own it. Feel it. You can then kind

1688
01:01:43,360 --> 01:01:44,880
of on your own or with a friend

1689
01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:47,119
or some you know, whatever, a mental health

1690
01:01:47,119 --> 01:01:47,619
professional,

1691
01:01:48,159 --> 01:01:50,239
work through where that came from and why

1692
01:01:50,239 --> 01:01:50,739
later.

1693
01:01:51,119 --> 01:01:52,220
But I

1694
01:01:52,559 --> 01:01:55,360
the moment I named it that my feelings

1695
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,675
were hurt Yeah. The moment I didn't shy

1696
01:01:57,675 --> 01:01:59,515
away from that feeling of shame of I

1697
01:01:59,515 --> 01:02:01,355
shouldn't be feeling that because I understood it

1698
01:02:01,355 --> 01:02:02,894
when I was blowing it out of proportion,

1699
01:02:03,035 --> 01:02:04,875
I immediately could calm down a little bit.

1700
01:02:04,875 --> 01:02:06,635
Now did I let myself cry? Silly little

1701
01:02:06,635 --> 01:02:08,635
tears. Yes. I did. And then I took

1702
01:02:08,635 --> 01:02:10,655
some deep breaths. And then I went,

1703
01:02:11,000 --> 01:02:12,839
he was just holding the boundary. You're gonna

1704
01:02:12,839 --> 01:02:13,819
talk about it.

1705
01:02:14,359 --> 01:02:16,199
He wasn't mad at you. Y'all aren't in

1706
01:02:16,199 --> 01:02:18,039
an argument. And and that for me was

1707
01:02:18,039 --> 01:02:19,980
part of the emotional regulation. I was

1708
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:21,099
telling myself

1709
01:02:21,639 --> 01:02:23,239
instead of what my brain was trying to

1710
01:02:23,239 --> 01:02:25,405
conjure up, telling myself what I was literally

1711
01:02:25,405 --> 01:02:27,264
witnessing, what had actually happened.

1712
01:02:27,565 --> 01:02:29,085
And I had my moment and I took

1713
01:02:29,085 --> 01:02:29,905
some deep breaths,

1714
01:02:30,364 --> 01:02:32,125
and then I was fine. I went, look

1715
01:02:32,125 --> 01:02:34,284
at me. Now can I do that all

1716
01:02:34,284 --> 01:02:36,204
the fucking time? No. No. It it is,

1717
01:02:36,204 --> 01:02:37,025
you know, because

1718
01:02:37,724 --> 01:02:38,864
it is it is

1719
01:02:39,210 --> 01:02:39,949
too easy.

1720
01:02:40,650 --> 01:02:41,150
Unfortunately,

1721
01:02:41,530 --> 01:02:43,289
it is so much easier to get caught

1722
01:02:43,289 --> 01:02:44,989
up in the emotion Mhmm.

1723
01:02:46,730 --> 01:02:48,199
Than to get caught

1724
01:02:52,635 --> 01:02:54,974
some very brief things because there are

1725
01:02:55,755 --> 01:02:57,675
a a lot a lot a lot of

1726
01:02:57,675 --> 01:03:00,315
ways to emotionally regulate and all of the

1727
01:03:00,315 --> 01:03:01,215
different ways

1728
01:03:01,755 --> 01:03:04,414
that are are even possibly out there.

1729
01:03:05,420 --> 01:03:06,780
There was a study, I think I linked

1730
01:03:06,780 --> 01:03:07,840
to it in my resources,

1731
01:03:08,860 --> 01:03:10,300
a study in the past few years that

1732
01:03:10,300 --> 01:03:12,720
talked about how people who have higher emotional

1733
01:03:12,780 --> 01:03:13,280
intelligence

1734
01:03:13,579 --> 01:03:15,360
and a higher ability to emotionally

1735
01:03:15,660 --> 01:03:16,480
self regulate

1736
01:03:17,434 --> 01:03:20,574
use a wide variety of methods of regulation,

1737
01:03:21,114 --> 01:03:22,335
and it and they

1738
01:03:23,114 --> 01:03:25,534
modify and adapt and switch their methods

1739
01:03:26,074 --> 01:03:26,815
based on

1740
01:03:27,994 --> 01:03:30,394
a ton of different details. Like, every situation

1741
01:03:30,394 --> 01:03:32,335
is a little different, so sometimes every

1742
01:03:33,489 --> 01:03:35,329
every time they self regulate, it's a little

1743
01:03:35,329 --> 01:03:37,250
bit different and they adapt to what's happening.

1744
01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:38,869
Right? K. So

1745
01:03:40,050 --> 01:03:42,369
the big ones, the big top level, how

1746
01:03:42,369 --> 01:03:43,670
do I emotionally regulate?

1747
01:03:44,050 --> 01:03:46,625
Self talk. Fucking talk to yourself. Go into

1748
01:03:46,625 --> 01:03:48,164
a room where you're by yourself

1749
01:03:48,545 --> 01:03:50,385
and talk it through with yourself. I do

1750
01:03:50,385 --> 01:03:51,744
out loud and I do in my head.

1751
01:03:51,744 --> 01:03:53,344
A lot in my head. So much of

1752
01:03:53,344 --> 01:03:54,965
my head. Deep breathing.

1753
01:03:55,425 --> 01:03:57,824
It sounds cliche to just take a deep

1754
01:03:57,824 --> 01:03:59,764
breath or to count to 10,

1755
01:04:00,065 --> 01:04:00,565
whatever.

1756
01:04:00,989 --> 01:04:01,489
That,

1757
01:04:02,269 --> 01:04:04,190
that little bit of pause can sometimes just

1758
01:04:04,190 --> 01:04:05,250
help you kind of

1759
01:04:06,750 --> 01:04:08,670
get out of the freak out and back

1760
01:04:08,670 --> 01:04:10,429
into, like, oh, okay. Here I am. I'm

1761
01:04:10,429 --> 01:04:12,510
in my body. Here's what I'm feeling. And

1762
01:04:12,510 --> 01:04:15,010
then you can start naming things. Right? Meditation.

1763
01:04:15,994 --> 01:04:17,835
I don't do well with just sit in

1764
01:04:17,835 --> 01:04:20,474
in silence and, you know, don't let your

1765
01:04:20,474 --> 01:04:22,635
mind whatever whatever. Like, I'm more of a

1766
01:04:22,635 --> 01:04:23,855
physical meditator.

1767
01:04:24,635 --> 01:04:26,795
There's an I don't think I'm using the

1768
01:04:26,875 --> 01:04:29,049
I'm saying it right, but there's a term

1769
01:04:29,049 --> 01:04:30,909
for it. And it used to be,

1770
01:04:32,089 --> 01:04:33,769
when I did cross stitch, if I was

1771
01:04:33,769 --> 01:04:35,690
doing, like, a big color block and it

1772
01:04:35,690 --> 01:04:38,089
was just tons of stitches and I didn't

1773
01:04:38,089 --> 01:04:39,690
have to chain, and I could get into

1774
01:04:39,690 --> 01:04:41,869
a flow state. And that's how I was

1775
01:04:42,010 --> 01:04:44,385
meditating, and that's my mind would kinda clear

1776
01:04:44,385 --> 01:04:46,864
out, and I could I could take deeper

1777
01:04:46,864 --> 01:04:49,425
breaths. And I Okay. Some of the stresses

1778
01:04:49,425 --> 01:04:51,425
kind of just went to the background. And

1779
01:04:51,425 --> 01:04:54,324
when I got done doing that physical activity,

1780
01:04:54,784 --> 01:04:56,710
walking is another good one for some people.

1781
01:04:56,710 --> 01:04:57,210
Mhmm.

1782
01:04:57,510 --> 01:04:59,750
I could think clear. I could name those

1783
01:04:59,750 --> 01:05:01,750
emotions. I could think more clearly about why

1784
01:05:01,750 --> 01:05:03,190
the hell I've just been pissed off or

1785
01:05:03,190 --> 01:05:05,050
sad or freaked out. Right?

1786
01:05:05,829 --> 01:05:07,210
Healthy coping mechanisms,

1787
01:05:07,510 --> 01:05:08,010
exercise.

1788
01:05:09,255 --> 01:05:12,474
Fucking exercise that actually does do good shit,

1789
01:05:13,094 --> 01:05:14,474
and I hate that about it.

1790
01:05:14,855 --> 01:05:16,714
Your hobbies, social support,

1791
01:05:17,094 --> 01:05:19,335
you know, being able to I'm not good

1792
01:05:19,335 --> 01:05:20,154
at this because

1793
01:05:20,775 --> 01:05:22,054
I'm not a person who has a lot

1794
01:05:22,054 --> 01:05:24,614
of, like, friend friends. But if you are

1795
01:05:24,614 --> 01:05:26,190
and you have people that you're, like you

1796
01:05:26,190 --> 01:05:27,309
have the group chat and you can be

1797
01:05:27,309 --> 01:05:28,510
like, oh my god. Let me tell you

1798
01:05:28,510 --> 01:05:31,250
this crazy thing. And you're talking through something.

1799
01:05:31,389 --> 01:05:33,250
It can be a form of,

1800
01:05:33,949 --> 01:05:34,849
emotion regulation.

1801
01:05:35,230 --> 01:05:37,309
And then there's therapy, right, that can offer

1802
01:05:37,309 --> 01:05:39,630
outside support and teach you more about self

1803
01:05:39,630 --> 01:05:40,130
regulating.

1804
01:05:40,764 --> 01:05:41,264
Now,

1805
01:05:43,485 --> 01:05:45,025
one thing I wanna talk about

1806
01:05:46,045 --> 01:05:47,184
before we get into

1807
01:05:48,764 --> 01:05:49,965
oh, no. We'll get to it because we're

1808
01:05:49,965 --> 01:05:51,804
gonna talk about dysregulation. Because why do you

1809
01:05:51,804 --> 01:05:53,804
need to emotionally regulate? Probably because you were

1810
01:05:53,804 --> 01:05:54,304
dysregulated.

1811
01:05:55,880 --> 01:05:58,119
And maybe you're in freak out mode. Maybe

1812
01:05:58,119 --> 01:06:00,360
you have been triggered and now your mind

1813
01:06:00,360 --> 01:06:02,200
is spinning up all of the things that

1814
01:06:02,200 --> 01:06:04,200
maybe are not actually the reality in front

1815
01:06:04,200 --> 01:06:05,960
of you, but your mind has taken over.

1816
01:06:05,960 --> 01:06:08,360
Your emotions have taken over. But I wanna

1817
01:06:08,360 --> 01:06:09,000
talk about,

1818
01:06:11,565 --> 01:06:13,184
where and why and how

1819
01:06:13,565 --> 01:06:16,844
emotional intelligence and specifically regulation matters in power

1820
01:06:16,844 --> 01:06:17,344
exchange.

1821
01:06:18,045 --> 01:06:19,164
And the first one that came to my

1822
01:06:19,164 --> 01:06:21,025
mind when I was writing this list Mhmm.

1823
01:06:21,405 --> 01:06:21,905
Negotiations

1824
01:06:22,284 --> 01:06:23,264
and understanding

1825
01:06:23,644 --> 01:06:25,829
that your partner might be holding back. Mhmm.

1826
01:06:25,829 --> 01:06:27,989
Understanding when your partner might be

1827
01:06:29,109 --> 01:06:30,710
I call it freak out mode. Right? Like,

1828
01:06:30,710 --> 01:06:33,269
they're they have remembered something or they are

1829
01:06:33,269 --> 01:06:35,190
assuming a thing that you've said something and

1830
01:06:35,190 --> 01:06:37,030
they've made an assumption about what that means.

1831
01:06:37,030 --> 01:06:39,585
And that assumption is now we're in panic,

1832
01:06:39,585 --> 01:06:42,385
now we're in fear, now we're in sadness,

1833
01:06:42,385 --> 01:06:44,965
now like, whatever the big emotion

1834
01:06:46,385 --> 01:06:49,045
is, you know, the ability to regulate yourself,

1835
01:06:50,625 --> 01:06:52,625
especially in the face of what might be

1836
01:06:52,625 --> 01:06:54,260
your partner's fear or,

1837
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:55,940
sadness

1838
01:06:56,400 --> 01:06:57,860
or anger or whatever

1839
01:06:58,480 --> 01:07:00,480
makes it easier for maybe you to help

1840
01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:01,219
them regulate

1841
01:07:01,519 --> 01:07:04,099
or you to assess, oh, this is happening.

1842
01:07:04,800 --> 01:07:07,199
I said something the wrong way. Something came

1843
01:07:07,199 --> 01:07:09,184
up that I didn't know.

1844
01:07:10,125 --> 01:07:12,844
Whatever. Right? We've touched on a hurt point,

1845
01:07:12,844 --> 01:07:13,344
and

1846
01:07:14,125 --> 01:07:16,364
they're not regulated right now. If you can

1847
01:07:16,525 --> 01:07:18,204
it's very I I have this happen to

1848
01:07:18,204 --> 01:07:20,125
me all the time. JB gets dysregulated, and

1849
01:07:20,125 --> 01:07:20,684
now I

1850
01:07:21,244 --> 01:07:22,570
if I'm not careful,

1851
01:07:23,269 --> 01:07:25,110
I am now there with him. I'm now

1852
01:07:25,150 --> 01:07:27,849
it it's a feedback loop with one another.

1853
01:07:28,469 --> 01:07:29,210
I have

1854
01:07:29,590 --> 01:07:30,489
gotten better

1855
01:07:31,349 --> 01:07:33,909
at recognizing when it's happening to you, and

1856
01:07:33,909 --> 01:07:35,670
then I annoy the fuck out of you

1857
01:07:35,670 --> 01:07:38,454
by trying to help you regulate and you

1858
01:07:38,454 --> 01:07:39,994
didn't want that right then.

1859
01:07:40,775 --> 01:07:42,775
You wanted to have your moment to freak

1860
01:07:42,775 --> 01:07:43,835
out. Mhmm.

1861
01:07:44,135 --> 01:07:46,534
And see, I I have learned on the

1862
01:07:46,534 --> 01:07:48,474
other hand that when you have

1863
01:07:49,530 --> 01:07:50,269
those moments,

1864
01:07:51,369 --> 01:07:53,710
that's when I need to step back. Mhmm.

1865
01:07:54,010 --> 01:07:55,769
Because I will get myself under control. I

1866
01:07:55,769 --> 01:07:58,410
will get myself there. But it for me,

1867
01:07:58,410 --> 01:08:00,170
it is easier if I can name the

1868
01:08:00,170 --> 01:08:02,410
emotion. Right. When somebody else names the emotion

1869
01:08:02,410 --> 01:08:04,474
at me, I'm like, what the fuck do

1870
01:08:04,474 --> 01:08:06,235
you know? You're not in my fucking head.

1871
01:08:06,235 --> 01:08:07,755
And if you're right, I hate that even

1872
01:08:07,755 --> 01:08:09,775
more. Right. Yeah, man.

1873
01:08:10,394 --> 01:08:12,315
Yeah. I'm not saying I'm always right or

1874
01:08:12,315 --> 01:08:13,994
healthy about these things. Okay? But I do

1875
01:08:13,994 --> 01:08:15,675
think it's important to be able to admit

1876
01:08:15,675 --> 01:08:18,314
it and name it. Arguments and conflict are

1877
01:08:18,314 --> 01:08:20,640
huge are huge because every single one of

1878
01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:21,699
us has our

1879
01:08:22,159 --> 01:08:24,800
default way, maybe from childhood, maybe from past

1880
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:27,439
experience, maybe from whatever, that we respond to

1881
01:08:27,439 --> 01:08:28,819
conflict in a relationship

1882
01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:30,659
and then add

1883
01:08:31,135 --> 01:08:32,975
whatever your default is. Some people get loud

1884
01:08:32,975 --> 01:08:35,295
and angry and shouty. Some people withdraw and

1885
01:08:35,295 --> 01:08:37,854
won't talk at all. You know? Some people

1886
01:08:37,854 --> 01:08:39,854
will act like nothing's wrong. Like, there everybody

1887
01:08:39,854 --> 01:08:41,614
has a different way of responding to this

1888
01:08:41,614 --> 01:08:42,114
stuff.

1889
01:08:43,055 --> 01:08:44,755
But then add the layer

1890
01:08:45,055 --> 01:08:48,310
of power exchange on it. You've got doms

1891
01:08:48,310 --> 01:08:50,150
who maybe are not well regulated and they

1892
01:08:50,150 --> 01:08:51,909
think they're right and they're supposed to always

1893
01:08:51,909 --> 01:08:54,550
be right because they're the dom. So then

1894
01:08:54,550 --> 01:08:57,430
if they recognize that they're wrong, what feelings

1895
01:08:57,430 --> 01:08:58,949
come up that are freaking them out and

1896
01:08:58,949 --> 01:08:59,930
now they can't

1897
01:09:00,484 --> 01:09:02,824
have this this good back and forth. Submissives

1898
01:09:03,045 --> 01:09:05,444
who just maybe just wanna please their dom.

1899
01:09:05,444 --> 01:09:08,024
Well, if their brain is telling them

1900
01:09:08,645 --> 01:09:10,404
they were wrong about this and and you're

1901
01:09:10,404 --> 01:09:13,444
kind of it's you're right to be unhappy

1902
01:09:13,444 --> 01:09:15,239
or upset about this, but the another part

1903
01:09:15,239 --> 01:09:16,359
of their brain is going, but they're the

1904
01:09:16,359 --> 01:09:18,039
dom and I'm the submissive. Now you've got

1905
01:09:18,039 --> 01:09:20,279
a cognitive dissonance that can really fuck you

1906
01:09:20,279 --> 01:09:20,779
up.

1907
01:09:21,079 --> 01:09:22,300
Again, some people,

1908
01:09:22,680 --> 01:09:23,180
submissives,

1909
01:09:23,720 --> 01:09:25,720
run and hide. Right? They don't wanna talk

1910
01:09:25,720 --> 01:09:29,239
about it. Some overcompensate out of anxiety to

1911
01:09:29,239 --> 01:09:30,435
make try and make it better.

1912
01:09:31,155 --> 01:09:32,435
My thing used to be this is how

1913
01:09:32,435 --> 01:09:34,135
I knew I felt safe with JB.

1914
01:09:35,314 --> 01:09:37,314
I don't yell. I don't like to yell.

1915
01:09:37,314 --> 01:09:38,755
I don't like to be yelled at, so

1916
01:09:38,755 --> 01:09:39,814
I don't like to yell.

1917
01:09:41,155 --> 01:09:42,595
But there have been two men in my

1918
01:09:42,595 --> 01:09:44,034
life who could get me so pissed off

1919
01:09:44,034 --> 01:09:44,774
I yelled.

1920
01:09:45,250 --> 01:09:47,430
I divorced one of them because

1921
01:09:48,130 --> 01:09:49,989
that was happening too fucking often.

1922
01:09:50,609 --> 01:09:52,689
I think twice in our relationship, I have

1923
01:09:52,689 --> 01:09:53,189
yelled

1924
01:09:54,130 --> 01:09:56,850
and not submissively and not respectfully. And they

1925
01:09:56,930 --> 01:09:58,789
we had to work through that

1926
01:09:59,425 --> 01:10:01,585
because he got himself so worked up, and

1927
01:10:01,585 --> 01:10:03,744
I was disregulating, got myself so worked up.

1928
01:10:03,744 --> 01:10:05,265
Damn. It was it was bad time for

1929
01:10:05,265 --> 01:10:07,985
everybody. Yeah. Yeah. It was. But the power

1930
01:10:07,985 --> 01:10:10,564
exchange layer can really fuck with

1931
01:10:11,819 --> 01:10:14,139
not necessarily how you respond, but sometimes it

1932
01:10:14,139 --> 01:10:15,979
can, but how you feel about it. So

1933
01:10:15,979 --> 01:10:18,060
you're already having your feeling about the argument

1934
01:10:18,060 --> 01:10:20,460
and the conflict, and then there's feelings on

1935
01:10:20,460 --> 01:10:22,960
top about how what you have told yourself

1936
01:10:23,340 --> 01:10:25,819
an air quote good sub or good dom

1937
01:10:25,819 --> 01:10:28,204
will is supposed to do, and then if

1938
01:10:28,204 --> 01:10:29,104
you are not

1939
01:10:29,645 --> 01:10:31,404
behaving in a way that matches that, now

1940
01:10:31,404 --> 01:10:34,125
we've got another layer of freak out to

1941
01:10:34,204 --> 01:10:35,585
that has to be worked through.

1942
01:10:36,444 --> 01:10:37,425
It's important

1943
01:10:38,444 --> 01:10:40,764
if you can, when you can, to bring

1944
01:10:40,764 --> 01:10:43,170
yourself back to center, which in argument and

1945
01:10:43,170 --> 01:10:45,010
conflict, the big thing is go to separate

1946
01:10:45,010 --> 01:10:47,409
corners. Go to separate corners so you calm

1947
01:10:47,409 --> 01:10:49,409
the fuck down, and you can have that

1948
01:10:49,409 --> 01:10:51,010
moment to take a deep breath, to name

1949
01:10:51,010 --> 01:10:53,170
the emotions, to walk yourself through it. I

1950
01:10:53,170 --> 01:10:55,250
love to figure it out for myself why

1951
01:10:55,250 --> 01:10:57,250
I'm what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that

1952
01:10:57,250 --> 01:10:59,574
way, where I think that came from,

1953
01:11:00,034 --> 01:11:01,335
take some deep breaths,

1954
01:11:02,114 --> 01:11:04,194
work through any sense of shame I feel

1955
01:11:04,194 --> 01:11:05,954
over whatever the fuck I was feeling, and

1956
01:11:05,954 --> 01:11:07,414
then come back. Because now

1957
01:11:08,435 --> 01:11:11,170
we're gonna dissect these feelings together and, you

1958
01:11:11,170 --> 01:11:12,869
know, JB really loves that.

1959
01:11:13,409 --> 01:11:15,890
I wanna sit down and dissect our feelings

1960
01:11:15,890 --> 01:11:18,069
together. Whoo. It's his favorite thing.

1961
01:11:18,689 --> 01:11:19,750
Navigating triggers.

1962
01:11:20,689 --> 01:11:22,770
So you could be doing everything right and

1963
01:11:22,770 --> 01:11:25,189
then you've accidentally tripped the landmine.

1964
01:11:25,704 --> 01:11:27,784
Your partner's in freak out mode, maybe they're

1965
01:11:27,784 --> 01:11:29,465
not regulating yet because they have to go

1966
01:11:29,465 --> 01:11:30,604
through that moment of

1967
01:11:31,465 --> 01:11:34,025
whatever has come up for them. If you

1968
01:11:34,025 --> 01:11:37,385
can be emotionally regulated and mostly calm, even

1969
01:11:37,385 --> 01:11:39,545
if you're feeling bad that it happened, even

1970
01:11:39,545 --> 01:11:41,599
if you're worried you've done some harm to

1971
01:11:41,599 --> 01:11:42,260
your partner,

1972
01:11:42,639 --> 01:11:44,099
the calmer you can be,

1973
01:11:45,439 --> 01:11:47,439
sometimes it's a little bit easier for your

1974
01:11:47,439 --> 01:11:49,460
partner to come back to their baseline

1975
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:51,679
and to to move through it. They gotta

1976
01:11:51,679 --> 01:11:53,920
go through it. A trigger is no fucking

1977
01:11:53,920 --> 01:11:56,284
joke. No fucking joke. It can it can

1978
01:11:56,284 --> 01:11:57,885
stick with you for a long time. It

1979
01:11:57,885 --> 01:12:00,125
can be a blip. It's different for everybody.

1980
01:12:00,125 --> 01:12:02,445
It's different in different situations for the same

1981
01:12:02,445 --> 01:12:02,945
person.

1982
01:12:03,405 --> 01:12:05,965
But if one of you can stay calm

1983
01:12:05,965 --> 01:12:06,704
through that,

1984
01:12:07,779 --> 01:12:09,479
it's gonna be a little bit easier

1985
01:12:10,100 --> 01:12:11,000
to get back

1986
01:12:11,779 --> 01:12:13,159
to whatever center is.

1987
01:12:13,779 --> 01:12:14,520
And then

1988
01:12:16,179 --> 01:12:17,779
this one is really for the doms, but

1989
01:12:17,779 --> 01:12:19,539
I think subs can you can use this

1990
01:12:19,539 --> 01:12:20,039
too.

1991
01:12:20,755 --> 01:12:22,295
Emotional intelligence and regulation.

1992
01:12:22,835 --> 01:12:25,234
Understanding your partner as well as you possibly

1993
01:12:25,234 --> 01:12:27,715
can outside of a scene Mhmm. So you

1994
01:12:27,715 --> 01:12:29,954
can air quote read them better in scene.

1995
01:12:29,954 --> 01:12:31,715
Now being able to read your partner does

1996
01:12:31,715 --> 01:12:33,074
not negate check ins

1997
01:12:33,949 --> 01:12:36,350
Correct. Correct. Traffic light systems, safe words, nah

1998
01:12:36,350 --> 01:12:38,030
nah nah nah nah. Those are should always

1999
01:12:38,030 --> 01:12:40,130
still just be there. I mean, no matter,

2000
01:12:40,510 --> 01:12:42,750
you know, even now, I still check-in with

2001
01:12:42,750 --> 01:12:45,550
you. Mhmm. But you for sure should know

2002
01:12:45,550 --> 01:12:47,470
when I've been triggered by something. Oh, yeah.

2003
01:12:47,470 --> 01:12:49,390
You can tell you can sometimes tell before

2004
01:12:49,390 --> 01:12:52,025
I am if I'm, like, panicking over something.

2005
01:12:52,324 --> 01:12:54,185
Mhmm. If something is off,

2006
01:12:54,565 --> 01:12:56,485
you might not know what caused it. But

2007
01:12:56,485 --> 01:12:58,645
I know something is not what it should

2008
01:12:58,645 --> 01:13:02,345
be. Right. Right. And having that ability to

2009
01:13:03,380 --> 01:13:05,960
have the emotional intelligence and to yourself,

2010
01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:09,380
doms, tops, be regulated in the moment, you're

2011
01:13:09,380 --> 01:13:11,220
gonna do a little bit better at reading

2012
01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:13,859
your partner when something goes wrong. Do not

2013
01:13:13,859 --> 01:13:16,204
fucking rely on just being able to read

2014
01:13:16,204 --> 01:13:18,444
your partner. That's bullshit. You can get it

2015
01:13:18,444 --> 01:13:20,625
wrong. You need all of the other tools

2016
01:13:21,164 --> 01:13:24,224
in the safety risk assessment, risk mitigation toolbox,

2017
01:13:25,085 --> 01:13:26,385
but it can help.

2018
01:13:27,164 --> 01:13:30,144
I can tell when JB's vibe goes off.

2019
01:13:30,770 --> 01:13:32,690
It's very rare. I can the one time

2020
01:13:32,690 --> 01:13:34,150
I can think of and I can't remember

2021
01:13:35,170 --> 01:13:36,850
it was a scene we had. It was

2022
01:13:36,850 --> 01:13:38,770
right after your sister died and you were

2023
01:13:38,770 --> 01:13:40,770
trying to work through some stress and I

2024
01:13:40,770 --> 01:13:42,550
didn't know what was going on. I'm

2025
01:13:43,305 --> 01:13:45,465
ass up face down on a spanking bench,

2026
01:13:45,465 --> 01:13:48,345
but I could feel the vibe shift. Yeah.

2027
01:13:48,345 --> 01:13:49,864
And you very quickly after that were like,

2028
01:13:49,864 --> 01:13:51,784
okay. I'm done. We're done. We're it's over.

2029
01:13:51,784 --> 01:13:53,405
Right. And you were able to

2030
01:13:53,864 --> 01:13:54,765
to stay

2031
01:13:55,159 --> 01:13:57,880
mostly calm. Yeah. And, you know, we got

2032
01:13:57,880 --> 01:13:59,899
out of there. I think we did eat.

2033
01:14:00,199 --> 01:14:02,279
Mhmm. You were in your head for a

2034
01:14:02,279 --> 01:14:03,960
while, which is fine, and then we talked

2035
01:14:03,960 --> 01:14:06,699
about it. Right. That is an ideal situation.

2036
01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:08,199
That is a Mhmm. That is a, oh,

2037
01:14:08,199 --> 01:14:09,960
I hope that happens for everybody all the

2038
01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:12,585
time. But the real world, he coulda had

2039
01:14:12,585 --> 01:14:14,344
a freak out. It would have been valid.

2040
01:14:14,344 --> 01:14:16,264
Like, he was grieving, and he was trying

2041
01:14:16,264 --> 01:14:17,465
to do this other thing to take his

2042
01:14:17,465 --> 01:14:19,224
mind off of it, and it didn't work.

2043
01:14:19,224 --> 01:14:19,724
Right?

2044
01:14:21,064 --> 01:14:22,744
And it's okay if you have the freak

2045
01:14:22,744 --> 01:14:24,600
out. It the freak out itself is not

2046
01:14:24,600 --> 01:14:27,179
bad. It's do you keep trying to

2047
01:14:27,880 --> 01:14:30,520
top in a scene while you're having a

2048
01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:32,760
freak out? Or you go, I gotta call

2049
01:14:32,760 --> 01:14:34,359
it because I am not in the right

2050
01:14:34,359 --> 01:14:35,340
place. Right.

2051
01:14:35,800 --> 01:14:37,340
That was that was like the time

2052
01:14:38,914 --> 01:14:41,475
a couple several years ago when, you were

2053
01:14:41,475 --> 01:14:41,975
triggered.

2054
01:14:42,994 --> 01:14:43,734
Which time?

2055
01:14:44,114 --> 01:14:45,574
Which time? Well, I mean,

2056
01:14:46,595 --> 01:14:48,515
the time I was pressing down on you.

2057
01:14:48,515 --> 01:14:51,234
Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Panic attack city. You had

2058
01:14:51,234 --> 01:14:53,255
a a really severe panic attack.

2059
01:14:54,470 --> 01:14:57,750
Everything at that moment stopped. Mhmm. I I

2060
01:14:57,750 --> 01:15:00,470
stopped. Everything nope. Mhmm. And,

2061
01:15:00,949 --> 01:15:03,510
you know, I went right into aftercare mode

2062
01:15:03,510 --> 01:15:05,770
with you. Because emotional intelligence

2063
01:15:06,494 --> 01:15:06,994
says,

2064
01:15:07,695 --> 01:15:09,954
I'm having the panic attack. He is

2065
01:15:10,255 --> 01:15:12,414
doing what he can. It's not his job

2066
01:15:12,414 --> 01:15:14,175
to start trying to talk me through that

2067
01:15:14,175 --> 01:15:16,015
in that moment. That's not the right thing.

2068
01:15:16,015 --> 01:15:18,029
No. I had to like, he could be

2069
01:15:18,029 --> 01:15:20,429
there in in whatever way worked for me

2070
01:15:20,429 --> 01:15:22,109
and us in the moment for support, of

2071
01:15:22,109 --> 01:15:24,349
course. But mostly, I had to, like, get

2072
01:15:24,349 --> 01:15:26,429
back in my own body again. It wasn't

2073
01:15:26,429 --> 01:15:28,529
until the next morning that I really said,

2074
01:15:28,670 --> 01:15:30,510
you know, when when you're ready to talk

2075
01:15:30,510 --> 01:15:32,050
about this, you know, you can.

2076
01:15:32,429 --> 01:15:33,614
Right. So there

2077
01:15:34,815 --> 01:15:37,295
are infinite number of ways and places within

2078
01:15:37,295 --> 01:15:39,795
a power exchange that these things work together.

2079
01:15:40,175 --> 01:15:42,994
And if at least one of you

2080
01:15:43,295 --> 01:15:45,614
can get yourself back to a a mostly

2081
01:15:45,614 --> 01:15:47,715
calm point where you can acknowledge

2082
01:15:49,529 --> 01:15:50,029
righting

2083
01:15:50,649 --> 01:15:51,149
you,

2084
01:15:52,569 --> 01:15:54,569
it's a little bit easier. It's not always

2085
01:15:54,569 --> 01:15:56,489
perfect. It won't always work. Man, it really

2086
01:15:56,489 --> 01:15:58,750
sucks when you're both dysregulated. I'm just playing.

2087
01:15:59,689 --> 01:16:02,170
I do I, when I'm and when I

2088
01:16:02,170 --> 01:16:04,545
have had freak outs, get pissy when he

2089
01:16:04,545 --> 01:16:06,244
is super calm? Yeah. It happens.

2090
01:16:06,864 --> 01:16:09,204
I'm like, why am I the only one

2091
01:16:09,824 --> 01:16:11,204
freaking the fuck out?

2092
01:16:13,265 --> 01:16:15,265
But it again, I could in the middle

2093
01:16:15,265 --> 01:16:16,704
of a freak out, I could say that

2094
01:16:16,704 --> 01:16:19,045
to him. We have that level of communication.

2095
01:16:19,719 --> 01:16:21,239
And he's probably gonna laugh and then I'm

2096
01:16:21,239 --> 01:16:22,539
gonna laugh. And man,

2097
01:16:23,000 --> 01:16:24,679
I don't know how it works. I don't

2098
01:16:24,679 --> 01:16:26,520
know I don't know how to tell anybody

2099
01:16:26,520 --> 01:16:27,960
to get themselves to do it because I've

2100
01:16:27,960 --> 01:16:29,099
never done it purposefully.

2101
01:16:29,639 --> 01:16:32,300
If I can crack a fucking joke

2102
01:16:32,920 --> 01:16:35,354
in the middle of one of those moments,

2103
01:16:35,654 --> 01:16:37,974
even if it's a it's gallows humor or

2104
01:16:37,974 --> 01:16:40,154
just it's dark or if it's inappropriate,

2105
01:16:41,014 --> 01:16:43,014
if I can crack a joke and one

2106
01:16:43,014 --> 01:16:44,395
or both of us can

2107
01:16:44,774 --> 01:16:46,935
even just chuckle Yeah. I can break through

2108
01:16:46,935 --> 01:16:48,074
some of that for myself.

2109
01:16:49,250 --> 01:16:51,250
But I can't count on that because I

2110
01:16:51,250 --> 01:16:53,670
don't know what that mechanism is. I understand

2111
01:16:53,729 --> 01:16:55,970
taking a deep breath. I understand going into

2112
01:16:55,970 --> 01:16:58,369
a quiet place to think. I understand self

2113
01:16:58,369 --> 01:17:00,210
talk. I don't understand where how the humor

2114
01:17:00,210 --> 01:17:02,369
part works. If if anybody out there is

2115
01:17:02,369 --> 01:17:04,695
a professional and can explain that? Great. I

2116
01:17:04,695 --> 01:17:06,194
I I would think you

2117
01:17:06,654 --> 01:17:08,494
would call it an interrupter because it it

2118
01:17:08,734 --> 01:17:10,914
Maybe so. It breaks the chain of the

2119
01:17:11,375 --> 01:17:12,675
Maybe. Of what is happening.

2120
01:17:14,734 --> 01:17:17,670
So we talk about regulation, emotional regulation, because

2121
01:17:17,670 --> 01:17:19,590
the opposite, the thing that you are trying

2122
01:17:19,590 --> 01:17:21,270
to do when you're trying to regulate is

2123
01:17:21,270 --> 01:17:22,090
from emotional

2124
01:17:22,390 --> 01:17:22,890
dysregulation.

2125
01:17:23,590 --> 01:17:25,750
Every human being on the planet will experience

2126
01:17:25,750 --> 01:17:26,649
emotional dysregulation

2127
01:17:26,949 --> 01:17:29,925
from time to time. Mhmm. There is such

2128
01:17:29,925 --> 01:17:31,625
a thing as chronic dysregulation.

2129
01:17:33,364 --> 01:17:35,045
What I I'm sure this is just a

2130
01:17:35,045 --> 01:17:36,664
short list. I'm sure there are other

2131
01:17:39,444 --> 01:17:39,944
conditions,

2132
01:17:40,484 --> 01:17:40,984
divergencies,

2133
01:17:41,844 --> 01:17:42,744
whatever whatever

2134
01:17:43,619 --> 01:17:45,300
that would come under this, but the ones

2135
01:17:45,300 --> 01:17:47,060
that were named the most that I went,

2136
01:17:47,060 --> 01:17:48,280
oh, okay. PTSD,

2137
01:17:50,420 --> 01:17:52,039
god help you, especially with triggers,

2138
01:17:52,340 --> 01:17:52,840
ADHD,

2139
01:17:53,539 --> 01:17:57,060
borderline personality disorder or BPD, and depression. And

2140
01:17:57,060 --> 01:17:57,404
I

2141
01:17:57,965 --> 01:17:59,564
say this when I saw that, I went,

2142
01:17:59,564 --> 01:18:00,625
oh my god. That

2143
01:18:01,085 --> 01:18:02,064
that makes sense.

2144
01:18:02,524 --> 01:18:05,024
Here's what I was thinking. The most dysregulated

2145
01:18:05,244 --> 01:18:07,425
I've seen JB and the most times

2146
01:18:07,804 --> 01:18:09,244
I'm either trying to help him or he's

2147
01:18:09,244 --> 01:18:11,630
taken a moment to to self regulate

2148
01:18:12,489 --> 01:18:14,250
has been through these years when he's dealt

2149
01:18:14,250 --> 01:18:16,590
the most of the depression. Mhmm. He is

2150
01:18:16,729 --> 01:18:17,409
he is

2151
01:18:17,850 --> 01:18:19,869
sometimes in a bad moment, he's harsher.

2152
01:18:20,250 --> 01:18:22,270
He's quick to snap. He's

2153
01:18:23,324 --> 01:18:25,485
quick to kind of push away. And I've

2154
01:18:25,485 --> 01:18:27,164
gotten better at sometimes just going, whoop, he's

2155
01:18:27,164 --> 01:18:28,925
gotta have that moment because you are able

2156
01:18:28,925 --> 01:18:30,784
to self regulate. You can

2157
01:18:31,085 --> 01:18:33,645
get yourself kind of I'm I'm getting better

2158
01:18:33,645 --> 01:18:34,465
at recognizing

2159
01:18:34,925 --> 01:18:38,060
Mhmm. When I have those Mhmm. Those dips.

2160
01:18:38,520 --> 01:18:40,220
But folks who

2161
01:18:40,600 --> 01:18:41,100
experience

2162
01:18:41,800 --> 01:18:42,699
chronic dysregulation,

2163
01:18:43,560 --> 01:18:44,539
these, like,

2164
01:18:44,920 --> 01:18:47,239
top level things we're talking about are may

2165
01:18:47,239 --> 01:18:47,979
not work

2166
01:18:48,920 --> 01:18:51,500
at all or often enough, and that's where

2167
01:18:51,800 --> 01:18:52,539
there's medications,

2168
01:18:53,074 --> 01:18:55,555
there's medical there's medical interventions. Let's say there's

2169
01:18:55,555 --> 01:18:58,614
therapy, there's different things that may be needed.

2170
01:19:00,354 --> 01:19:02,595
If you are the partner of somebody who

2171
01:19:02,595 --> 01:19:03,095
experiences

2172
01:19:05,074 --> 01:19:06,295
consistent dysregulation

2173
01:19:06,755 --> 01:19:07,380
like this,

2174
01:19:08,340 --> 01:19:10,420
y'all are gonna have to work together about

2175
01:19:10,420 --> 01:19:12,260
how to work through that together because a

2176
01:19:12,260 --> 01:19:14,260
person who's going through it more often than,

2177
01:19:14,260 --> 01:19:16,199
like, a one off here and there

2178
01:19:16,739 --> 01:19:18,819
is gonna have to has probably figured out

2179
01:19:18,819 --> 01:19:20,439
or gonna need to figure out

2180
01:19:21,060 --> 01:19:23,805
methods specific to their needs, and that's a

2181
01:19:23,885 --> 01:19:26,465
let's work let's work together on this.

2182
01:19:27,885 --> 01:19:30,845
And what two random podcasters are saying on

2183
01:19:30,845 --> 01:19:33,085
a random Wednesday afternoon is not gonna help

2184
01:19:33,085 --> 01:19:35,244
somebody who has to live with this, and

2185
01:19:35,244 --> 01:19:35,905
they know

2186
01:19:36,239 --> 01:19:37,779
it's coming at some point.

2187
01:19:38,239 --> 01:19:38,739
Now

2188
01:19:39,279 --> 01:19:39,779
just,

2189
01:19:40,640 --> 01:19:42,000
to kind of help if you're like, well,

2190
01:19:42,000 --> 01:19:43,439
how do I know if a partner is

2191
01:19:43,439 --> 01:19:43,939
dysregulated?

2192
01:19:44,560 --> 01:19:46,560
Here are some things that came up. They

2193
01:19:46,720 --> 01:19:48,804
in from the resource I can't remember which

2194
01:19:48,804 --> 01:19:49,844
one it is, but I know I linked

2195
01:19:49,844 --> 01:19:52,904
it. They were talking more about chronic dysregulation,

2196
01:19:53,045 --> 01:19:55,145
but I recognize this for

2197
01:19:56,005 --> 01:19:56,744
my own

2198
01:19:57,284 --> 01:19:58,984
experiences, which are not chronic.

2199
01:19:59,444 --> 01:20:03,125
So intense reactions to small things. Mhmm. Every

2200
01:20:03,125 --> 01:20:04,659
time when I read that, I know I

2201
01:20:04,659 --> 01:20:06,099
do it. I know I do it, but

2202
01:20:06,099 --> 01:20:07,239
I always think of JB.

2203
01:20:07,619 --> 01:20:08,679
Because the joke

2204
01:20:09,460 --> 01:20:11,619
is I always say it feels like he

2205
01:20:11,619 --> 01:20:14,420
has is gnawing on my head. He's chewing

2206
01:20:14,579 --> 01:20:16,359
bite my head off, right, is the expression.

2207
01:20:16,420 --> 01:20:17,774
I'm like, you didn't just bite my head

2208
01:20:17,774 --> 01:20:19,935
off. You are gnawing on me and your

2209
01:20:19,935 --> 01:20:21,715
back molar like I'm gristle.

2210
01:20:22,414 --> 01:20:24,094
Now can I say that in the moment

2211
01:20:24,094 --> 01:20:26,175
when he is having this intense reaction to

2212
01:20:26,175 --> 01:20:28,094
a small thing? No. I have to wait

2213
01:20:28,094 --> 01:20:31,220
until he's regulated again and he's better. Remember

2214
01:20:31,220 --> 01:20:33,400
later on in there, they all chuckle. Yeah.

2215
01:20:37,220 --> 01:20:39,940
Difficulty letting things go or calming down after

2216
01:20:39,940 --> 01:20:40,600
a conflict.

2217
01:20:40,979 --> 01:20:42,900
Right? Like the Yeah. Like the conflict doesn't

2218
01:20:42,900 --> 01:20:45,344
just it kinda never ends. You hold on

2219
01:20:45,344 --> 01:20:46,644
to it a little bit like,

2220
01:20:47,984 --> 01:20:49,505
I always think of like a miser with

2221
01:20:49,505 --> 01:20:51,264
gold. Like, this this is not your golem

2222
01:20:51,264 --> 01:20:53,425
with the fucking ring, you know. But it's

2223
01:20:53,425 --> 01:20:55,585
not healthy for you to hold on. Right?

2224
01:20:55,585 --> 01:20:57,125
It's not. There, you know, there

2225
01:20:57,585 --> 01:20:59,425
needs to be resolution. And when you have

2226
01:20:59,425 --> 01:21:01,420
resolution, that's it. You know, you have to

2227
01:21:01,420 --> 01:21:02,239
let go.

2228
01:21:02,699 --> 01:21:04,619
Even like in DS, you know, you talk

2229
01:21:04,619 --> 01:21:06,880
about when there's when there's punishment.

2230
01:21:07,659 --> 01:21:10,000
Okay? Yep. You know, you you

2231
01:21:12,060 --> 01:21:13,885
you did what you did. You got the

2232
01:21:13,885 --> 01:21:15,965
punishment whatever that may be. But when the

2233
01:21:15,965 --> 01:21:17,024
punishment's over,

2234
01:21:17,805 --> 01:21:20,204
that all should be put behind. It's done

2235
01:21:20,204 --> 01:21:21,664
and over and Right. Yeah. And

2236
01:21:22,125 --> 01:21:24,045
you hopefully move you move on, you've learned

2237
01:21:24,045 --> 01:21:26,125
the lesson. Ideally, you don't repeat whatever that

2238
01:21:26,125 --> 01:21:28,125
might be. Which just goes back to why

2239
01:21:28,125 --> 01:21:30,180
we tell Dom's, do you do not do

2240
01:21:30,180 --> 01:21:32,840
consequences, punishment, whatever. When you are pissed off,

2241
01:21:32,900 --> 01:21:35,000
get yourself calm again. Right.

2242
01:21:35,460 --> 01:21:36,119
And then

2243
01:21:37,140 --> 01:21:39,220
work through that other. Now remember, just as

2244
01:21:39,220 --> 01:21:39,800
a reminder,

2245
01:21:40,260 --> 01:21:42,500
consequences, punishments are not required and all power

2246
01:21:42,500 --> 01:21:44,795
exchange and they are negotiated just like everything

2247
01:21:44,795 --> 01:21:45,755
else is. So you don't have to do

2248
01:21:45,755 --> 01:21:47,675
that at all, by the way. Black and

2249
01:21:47,675 --> 01:21:50,475
white thinking, things are all good or all

2250
01:21:50,475 --> 01:21:50,975
bad.

2251
01:21:51,435 --> 01:21:53,755
I recognize that within myself in the times

2252
01:21:53,755 --> 01:21:55,515
when I've I call them freak outs, but

2253
01:21:55,515 --> 01:21:57,534
I'm at peak freak out.

2254
01:21:57,900 --> 01:21:59,840
I go into all or nothing thinking.

2255
01:22:01,420 --> 01:22:03,500
And the world just isn't that way. It's

2256
01:22:03,500 --> 01:22:04,960
too there's too many fucking

2257
01:22:05,340 --> 01:22:05,840
nuances.

2258
01:22:06,460 --> 01:22:08,860
So if you find yourself stuck in that,

2259
01:22:08,860 --> 01:22:10,479
it can be a sign of dysregulation.

2260
01:22:11,454 --> 01:22:14,015
Frequent shifts in mood and or how you

2261
01:22:14,015 --> 01:22:14,755
see yourself.

2262
01:22:16,975 --> 01:22:17,475
Yeah.

2263
01:22:18,335 --> 01:22:19,555
Yeah. I

2264
01:22:20,094 --> 01:22:21,774
I recognize some of that. Some of that

2265
01:22:21,774 --> 01:22:23,875
I have worked through over the years.

2266
01:22:25,980 --> 01:22:27,680
Chronic feelings of loneliness

2267
01:22:27,980 --> 01:22:28,800
or emptiness,

2268
01:22:29,180 --> 01:22:32,220
which can then lead to impulsive behaviors to

2269
01:22:32,220 --> 01:22:33,360
fill that void.

2270
01:22:33,739 --> 01:22:35,900
One of the examples I gave was seeking

2271
01:22:35,900 --> 01:22:36,960
external validation,

2272
01:22:37,420 --> 01:22:38,880
like doing whatever

2273
01:22:39,260 --> 01:22:40,800
so that you can be

2274
01:22:41,385 --> 01:22:43,625
good, air quote, that or enough or get

2275
01:22:43,625 --> 01:22:46,904
the the gold star kind of feeling from

2276
01:22:46,904 --> 01:22:49,064
whomever. And it's often in ways that are

2277
01:22:49,064 --> 01:22:50,764
not good for you. Or,

2278
01:22:51,145 --> 01:22:53,465
you know, maybe from outwardly, they're not they

2279
01:22:53,465 --> 01:22:56,000
don't look air quote bad, but they're internally,

2280
01:22:56,000 --> 01:22:58,640
it's not good for you because it's not

2281
01:22:58,640 --> 01:22:59,940
coming from this place of

2282
01:23:00,960 --> 01:23:03,220
a calm center. Like, you there's

2283
01:23:04,000 --> 01:23:05,060
there's a dysregulation

2284
01:23:05,360 --> 01:23:05,860
there.

2285
01:23:07,655 --> 01:23:09,735
That one I I am sure I've gone

2286
01:23:09,735 --> 01:23:11,895
through. I cannot I have less experience with

2287
01:23:11,895 --> 01:23:14,635
that. And again, these signs of emotional dysregulation

2288
01:23:14,854 --> 01:23:16,055
came from a list of what they were

2289
01:23:16,055 --> 01:23:17,735
talking about, people who are going through who

2290
01:23:17,735 --> 01:23:18,395
are dysregulated

2291
01:23:18,695 --> 01:23:21,119
often, and these things come up again

2292
01:23:22,560 --> 01:23:24,560
and again. Two random podcasters are not the

2293
01:23:24,560 --> 01:23:25,760
ones who can help you through that. But

2294
01:23:26,000 --> 01:23:28,399
No. We are not qualified. And also that's

2295
01:23:28,399 --> 01:23:29,220
a can be

2296
01:23:29,840 --> 01:23:32,479
all of it's serious. But when it you're

2297
01:23:32,880 --> 01:23:34,899
you live through this back and forth

2298
01:23:35,445 --> 01:23:37,524
consistently, that is a thing that changes your

2299
01:23:37,524 --> 01:23:40,345
light, alters your life, and alters your relationships.

2300
01:23:40,725 --> 01:23:42,645
And so I, you know, I hope anybody

2301
01:23:42,645 --> 01:23:44,744
who sees themself in this

2302
01:23:45,204 --> 01:23:48,164
can have access to the care that will

2303
01:23:48,164 --> 01:23:49,064
help them.

2304
01:23:49,489 --> 01:23:51,810
The one offs, the you're you find yourself

2305
01:23:51,810 --> 01:23:53,810
in an argument and you both are like

2306
01:23:53,810 --> 01:23:55,909
dogs with bones and you can't let go,

2307
01:23:56,050 --> 01:23:57,890
that's a one off, and hopefully, some of

2308
01:23:57,890 --> 01:23:59,110
these tips will help.

2309
01:24:00,210 --> 01:24:02,150
I was trying to think of times

2310
01:24:03,034 --> 01:24:05,135
within our power exchange where I have been

2311
01:24:05,835 --> 01:24:08,314
not regulated, and I used my emotional intelligence,

2312
01:24:08,314 --> 01:24:09,774
and I talked myself through.

2313
01:24:10,234 --> 01:24:11,595
And the one that comes up for me,

2314
01:24:11,595 --> 01:24:13,914
and I've used this example many times, we

2315
01:24:13,914 --> 01:24:15,854
are non monogamous, not currently practicing,

2316
01:24:16,555 --> 01:24:18,095
but in theory we are.

2317
01:24:18,510 --> 01:24:19,010
And

2318
01:24:19,550 --> 01:24:20,050
every

2319
01:24:20,350 --> 01:24:21,949
time JB would go off with a new

2320
01:24:21,949 --> 01:24:24,609
partner, I would have some form of

2321
01:24:25,069 --> 01:24:26,930
an internal on my own meltdown.

2322
01:24:28,270 --> 01:24:30,430
Every time it got easier, it got better,

2323
01:24:30,430 --> 01:24:32,430
I got better over time, I'd like calm

2324
01:24:32,430 --> 01:24:34,215
down at a certain point. And some people

2325
01:24:34,215 --> 01:24:35,414
would say, oh, well, if you're having those

2326
01:24:35,414 --> 01:24:38,314
feelings, you shouldn't be, you know, non monogamous.

2327
01:24:38,375 --> 01:24:40,135
No. No. No. No. So these feelings come

2328
01:24:40,135 --> 01:24:41,734
from places that have nothing to do with

2329
01:24:41,734 --> 01:24:42,475
our relationship

2330
01:24:42,854 --> 01:24:44,694
and everything to do with my own internal

2331
01:24:44,694 --> 01:24:45,194
shit.

2332
01:24:46,054 --> 01:24:48,319
But the way I chose to deal with

2333
01:24:48,319 --> 01:24:50,099
it was not to ignore the feelings

2334
01:24:50,399 --> 01:24:50,899
because

2335
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,639
that's where shame lives. Right? Mhmm. I did

2336
01:24:54,639 --> 01:24:56,239
have to that is where I started learning

2337
01:24:56,239 --> 01:24:57,920
how to name a hard feeling that I

2338
01:24:57,920 --> 01:24:59,760
didn't want to feel or didn't think I

2339
01:24:59,760 --> 01:25:02,125
was supposed to feel. Because there right before

2340
01:25:02,125 --> 01:25:03,725
I would name it, there'd be that feeling

2341
01:25:03,725 --> 01:25:06,045
of shame, and it feels so yucky. And

2342
01:25:06,045 --> 01:25:07,405
then I could name it for what it

2343
01:25:07,405 --> 01:25:09,405
was and just fucking own it. And I

2344
01:25:09,405 --> 01:25:11,324
was by myself. You were gone. I was

2345
01:25:11,324 --> 01:25:12,545
in the bedroom. Right?

2346
01:25:13,005 --> 01:25:14,364
And I could feel a little bit better

2347
01:25:14,364 --> 01:25:15,885
because it felt like clarity. I'm like, okay.

2348
01:25:15,885 --> 01:25:17,579
That's what I'm feeling. Now what do I

2349
01:25:17,579 --> 01:25:19,260
do about that? Right? That's where my brain

2350
01:25:19,260 --> 01:25:19,760
goes.

2351
01:25:20,300 --> 01:25:21,119
But the

2352
01:25:21,420 --> 01:25:22,639
the thing I decided

2353
01:25:24,300 --> 01:25:25,420
very early on

2354
01:25:25,899 --> 01:25:28,060
Mhmm. Was whatever I was feeling when you

2355
01:25:28,060 --> 01:25:30,000
were off with a different partner

2356
01:25:30,345 --> 01:25:32,604
playing or dating or whatever whatever

2357
01:25:33,064 --> 01:25:34,845
was I was not going to make

2358
01:25:35,385 --> 01:25:36,284
my big

2359
01:25:36,984 --> 01:25:37,484
feelings

2360
01:25:38,024 --> 01:25:40,824
your problem. They were my problem because you

2361
01:25:40,824 --> 01:25:42,744
were not doing anything to air quote cause

2362
01:25:42,744 --> 01:25:44,179
them. Them. We had discussed it. There had

2363
01:25:44,179 --> 01:25:46,100
been full communication. It was with full consent.

2364
01:25:46,100 --> 01:25:48,420
I understood what was happening. Did we tweak

2365
01:25:48,420 --> 01:25:50,579
things over time? Things I had I learned

2366
01:25:50,579 --> 01:25:53,020
that would I felt like I needed Mhmm.

2367
01:25:53,140 --> 01:25:54,739
To, you know, have less of a freak

2368
01:25:54,739 --> 01:25:55,399
out? Sure.

2369
01:25:56,914 --> 01:25:59,475
But that was a time in our power

2370
01:25:59,475 --> 01:26:02,034
exchange where I knew I knew as you're

2371
01:26:02,034 --> 01:26:02,534
submissive,

2372
01:26:03,074 --> 01:26:05,954
if I daddied you by text or voice

2373
01:26:05,954 --> 01:26:08,454
mail, you would drop everything for me,

2374
01:26:09,010 --> 01:26:11,010
which would have been so fucking unfair to

2375
01:26:11,010 --> 01:26:12,929
both of you. And I recognized it and

2376
01:26:12,929 --> 01:26:14,389
I understood I understood the

2377
01:26:14,689 --> 01:26:17,189
power that I had, right, within the relationship

2378
01:26:17,729 --> 01:26:19,029
that, yeah, a teary

2379
01:26:19,810 --> 01:26:22,689
baby girl crying in voice mail, you were

2380
01:26:22,689 --> 01:26:25,225
gonna try to fix that from where you

2381
01:26:25,225 --> 01:26:25,965
were. Right?

2382
01:26:26,425 --> 01:26:28,045
And I had to do

2383
01:26:28,904 --> 01:26:31,225
the hard thing, and it was hard. I

2384
01:26:31,225 --> 01:26:33,305
wanted I I'm a baby girl. I want

2385
01:26:33,305 --> 01:26:35,145
my daddy to come, like, fucking take care

2386
01:26:35,145 --> 01:26:35,885
of me. Right?

2387
01:26:36,265 --> 01:26:38,345
I don't wanna feel bad things and hard

2388
01:26:38,345 --> 01:26:40,090
things. Most people don't.

2389
01:26:40,630 --> 01:26:42,310
And it was when I went, no. These

2390
01:26:42,310 --> 01:26:44,149
are my feelings, and I have to deal

2391
01:26:44,149 --> 01:26:46,229
with them. And I have to sit with

2392
01:26:46,229 --> 01:26:48,390
them. And I am not ruining his good

2393
01:26:48,390 --> 01:26:50,069
time that I have consented to. Because if

2394
01:26:50,069 --> 01:26:51,750
I stopped consenting to it, then we would

2395
01:26:51,750 --> 01:26:53,510
talk about it when you fucking got home.

2396
01:26:53,510 --> 01:26:54,074
Yeah. You know?

2397
01:26:56,074 --> 01:26:57,295
I think that's where

2398
01:26:58,074 --> 01:26:58,735
I started

2399
01:27:00,315 --> 01:27:02,255
working on self regulation more

2400
01:27:02,875 --> 01:27:05,215
and working on my own

2401
01:27:06,074 --> 01:27:08,475
understanding of my own emotions more and more.

2402
01:27:08,475 --> 01:27:10,020
I've I've always I don't know. You're gonna

2403
01:27:10,020 --> 01:27:11,539
be shocked by this. I've always been an

2404
01:27:11,539 --> 01:27:12,680
introspective person.

2405
01:27:14,420 --> 01:27:16,420
I would have never guessed. But I there's

2406
01:27:16,420 --> 01:27:17,320
something about

2407
01:27:18,100 --> 01:27:20,954
having had a few times, multiple times, had

2408
01:27:21,034 --> 01:27:22,574
had to face my own insecurities

2409
01:27:22,954 --> 01:27:25,675
Mhmm. In a relationship where I know that

2410
01:27:25,675 --> 01:27:27,675
I am loved and I am valued and

2411
01:27:27,675 --> 01:27:29,354
I am cherished. I know my place in

2412
01:27:29,354 --> 01:27:31,375
that relationship and there was never any doubt.

2413
01:27:31,914 --> 01:27:34,395
And I still had those insecurities. Like, that

2414
01:27:34,395 --> 01:27:36,270
was that was a me job. That was

2415
01:27:36,270 --> 01:27:37,329
a me thing.

2416
01:27:38,189 --> 01:27:40,350
That does not mean I did not cry.

2417
01:27:40,350 --> 01:27:43,149
I cried. I cried so much, until I

2418
01:27:43,149 --> 01:27:45,710
didn't. Until I kinda went, okay. I understand

2419
01:27:45,710 --> 01:27:47,649
this for for me, and everybody's different.

2420
01:27:48,350 --> 01:27:50,864
When same ish similar issues would come up,

2421
01:27:51,025 --> 01:27:53,185
and I have to regulate through them each

2422
01:27:53,185 --> 01:27:55,345
time and because I had kids at home.

2423
01:27:55,345 --> 01:27:56,225
I still had to be a mom. I

2424
01:27:56,225 --> 01:27:57,265
still had to do work. I still had

2425
01:27:57,265 --> 01:27:58,465
to do these things. Right? Like, I had

2426
01:27:58,465 --> 01:27:59,925
to get my shit together,

2427
01:28:00,305 --> 01:28:01,664
but try to do it in a healthy

2428
01:28:01,664 --> 01:28:02,164
way.

2429
01:28:03,789 --> 01:28:04,609
Each time

2430
01:28:04,989 --> 01:28:07,069
a similar feeling comes up that I have

2431
01:28:07,069 --> 01:28:08,929
to work myself work through myself,

2432
01:28:09,949 --> 01:28:12,189
it gets easier each time. It does not

2433
01:28:12,189 --> 01:28:15,149
always get easy. Let's let's not let's not

2434
01:28:15,149 --> 01:28:17,149
lie to ourselves. But it just get easier

2435
01:28:17,149 --> 01:28:19,229
because things are familiar, and I remember things

2436
01:28:19,229 --> 01:28:20,104
that worked before.

2437
01:28:20,564 --> 01:28:22,564
And I go, okay. Take that breath. Okay.

2438
01:28:22,564 --> 01:28:25,204
Mhmm. Say the name the fucking emotion. Do

2439
01:28:25,204 --> 01:28:27,064
not be afraid to name the emotion.

2440
01:28:28,885 --> 01:28:30,664
And that's how by the time

2441
01:28:31,045 --> 01:28:33,125
I don't know if you you remember this

2442
01:28:33,125 --> 01:28:35,469
or recognize this. The first time you went

2443
01:28:35,469 --> 01:28:35,969
off,

2444
01:28:36,670 --> 01:28:37,710
after we lived in this town, not in

2445
01:28:37,710 --> 01:28:39,789
this house, but in the town, you went

2446
01:28:39,789 --> 01:28:40,449
off with,

2447
01:28:40,909 --> 01:28:43,389
somebody to a play party. You came home,

2448
01:28:43,389 --> 01:28:44,449
and I was very

2449
01:28:45,630 --> 01:28:46,929
what's the word I want?

2450
01:28:48,255 --> 01:28:48,755
Fragile.

2451
01:28:49,295 --> 01:28:51,074
Like, I I was I was not

2452
01:28:51,454 --> 01:28:53,854
emoting at you, but it wouldn't have taken

2453
01:28:53,854 --> 01:28:55,854
much for me to just, like, fall over.

2454
01:28:55,854 --> 01:28:56,354
Right?

2455
01:28:56,975 --> 01:28:57,475
And

2456
01:28:58,335 --> 01:28:59,935
very soon after you got home and got

2457
01:28:59,935 --> 01:29:01,649
settled, I needed to talk about it. Mhmm.

2458
01:29:01,649 --> 01:29:03,029
Well, then the next time,

2459
01:29:03,489 --> 01:29:05,329
I was less emotionally fragile when you came

2460
01:29:05,329 --> 01:29:08,449
in. Mhmm. And it I waited much longer.

2461
01:29:08,449 --> 01:29:09,890
I was like, hey. Now that you're home

2462
01:29:09,890 --> 01:29:11,810
and you're rested and you've unpacked and we

2463
01:29:11,810 --> 01:29:13,534
did these errands and, like, it's two days

2464
01:29:13,534 --> 01:29:16,014
that can we talk about this? Right? And,

2465
01:29:16,014 --> 01:29:17,234
like, each time

2466
01:29:18,014 --> 01:29:18,514
got

2467
01:29:19,135 --> 01:29:20,734
it got easier for me to handle in

2468
01:29:20,734 --> 01:29:22,835
the moment until there was nothing to handle.

2469
01:29:23,375 --> 01:29:25,154
And then it got easier to talk about

2470
01:29:25,229 --> 01:29:25,630
without

2471
01:29:26,430 --> 01:29:28,189
in in a regulated way so that it

2472
01:29:28,189 --> 01:29:30,270
was a calm conversation of, hey. I have

2473
01:29:30,270 --> 01:29:32,109
figured out this would help me feel a

2474
01:29:32,109 --> 01:29:33,949
little bit better about you being not in

2475
01:29:33,949 --> 01:29:36,670
town. Right? You being not in the fucking

2476
01:29:36,670 --> 01:29:38,109
state. You know what I mean? Like, or

2477
01:29:38,109 --> 01:29:39,744
or wherever you were going. Right?

2478
01:29:40,364 --> 01:29:42,125
And then we could modify it that way.

2479
01:29:42,125 --> 01:29:42,625
Right.

2480
01:29:44,204 --> 01:29:45,984
So that is one of my experiences

2481
01:29:47,164 --> 01:29:49,345
with emotional intelligence and regulation.

2482
01:29:50,765 --> 01:29:52,625
It's the it's the example that

2483
01:29:53,005 --> 01:29:54,719
kept coming up when I was going through

2484
01:29:54,939 --> 01:29:57,099
this. Okay. So it's a very complicated topic.

2485
01:29:57,099 --> 01:29:59,179
Mhmm. And I think it's important. I think

2486
01:29:59,179 --> 01:29:59,679
that,

2487
01:30:00,300 --> 01:30:02,619
anybody who it resonates with, but you're like,

2488
01:30:02,619 --> 01:30:04,300
I'm fucking clueless. I don't know what to

2489
01:30:04,300 --> 01:30:06,399
do. There's so much information available

2490
01:30:07,324 --> 01:30:08,604
online. There are people who talk about it.

2491
01:30:08,604 --> 01:30:09,984
There are people who write about it.

2492
01:30:10,685 --> 01:30:11,005
You can

2493
01:30:11,645 --> 01:30:13,965
the resources there start with the links that

2494
01:30:13,965 --> 01:30:15,104
I I used

2495
01:30:15,484 --> 01:30:16,545
and go from there.

2496
01:30:17,404 --> 01:30:18,685
But it is a skill. It is a

2497
01:30:18,685 --> 01:30:20,364
thing you have to learn. You have to

2498
01:30:20,364 --> 01:30:22,284
do it enough times until you go, okay.

2499
01:30:22,284 --> 01:30:24,010
I kinda understand what this is. Right.

2500
01:30:24,470 --> 01:30:24,789
So

2501
01:30:25,590 --> 01:30:26,949
It's like anything else. You have to work

2502
01:30:26,949 --> 01:30:29,130
at it till it becomes muscle memory. Mhmm.

2503
01:30:29,430 --> 01:30:31,110
Mhmm. And for some people, you'll pick it

2504
01:30:31,110 --> 01:30:33,030
up quicker Mhmm. Than other people. You'll be

2505
01:30:33,030 --> 01:30:33,850
working you'll

2506
01:30:34,229 --> 01:30:36,070
it'll be a challenge and for a little

2507
01:30:36,070 --> 01:30:38,414
bit longer. It's the same with communication skills.

2508
01:30:38,414 --> 01:30:40,255
Yep. But I promise you, if you can

2509
01:30:40,255 --> 01:30:41,155
get your emotional

2510
01:30:41,695 --> 01:30:42,195
skills

2511
01:30:42,655 --> 01:30:45,614
improved, the communication skills, those two things, everything's

2512
01:30:45,614 --> 01:30:48,835
enhanced by that. Oh, yeah. So Yep.

2513
01:30:50,329 --> 01:30:51,949
So, So that's my topic.

2514
01:30:55,050 --> 01:30:56,409
Do you have anything you would like to

2515
01:30:56,409 --> 01:30:58,029
add? Nope. Okay.

2516
01:30:59,210 --> 01:31:01,710
I'm happy to do a bonus section. Okay.

2517
01:31:02,329 --> 01:31:02,729
So,

2518
01:31:03,130 --> 01:31:04,029
are we good?

2519
01:31:05,135 --> 01:31:05,875
I guess.

2520
01:31:07,375 --> 01:31:09,295
Keep it geeky, y'all. I will see you

2521
01:31:09,295 --> 01:31:10,114
next week.

2522
01:31:22,349 --> 01:31:23,809
Daddy, can I talk about crickets?

2523
01:31:24,429 --> 01:31:24,929
Yeah.

2524
01:31:26,989 --> 01:31:28,369
I don't know what to talk about.

2525
01:31:32,895 --> 01:31:35,235
I get to feel all of my feelings

2526
01:31:35,295 --> 01:31:38,015
about travel anxiety for, like, thirty six hours.

2527
01:31:38,015 --> 01:31:39,534
Actually, in the week leading up to this

2528
01:31:39,534 --> 01:31:41,295
whole week. And then it's thirty six hours

2529
01:31:41,295 --> 01:31:44,079
of our life. It's like, I've never traveled

2530
01:31:44,539 --> 01:31:46,779
out and back this fucking fast. Me either.

2531
01:31:46,779 --> 01:31:48,300
Yeah. I am a give me two nights

2532
01:31:48,300 --> 01:31:49,439
in a hotel room

2533
01:31:50,219 --> 01:31:52,460
kinda girl, and we did not do that

2534
01:31:52,460 --> 01:31:55,179
this time. Yeah. But it's all new. And

2535
01:31:55,179 --> 01:31:55,679
so

2536
01:31:56,939 --> 01:31:58,454
yeah. Yeah. The anxiety's

2537
01:32:00,215 --> 01:32:01,095
Anxiety's riding me. I didn't sleep last night.

2538
01:32:01,095 --> 01:32:01,994
I I listened

2539
01:32:02,375 --> 01:32:04,234
to the whole forty two minute sleep story,

2540
01:32:04,614 --> 01:32:05,114
and

2541
01:32:05,494 --> 01:32:07,595
then I kept being awake after that.

2542
01:32:08,135 --> 01:32:10,135
And you tossed and turned a few times.

2543
01:32:10,135 --> 01:32:12,219
You elbowed me a couple times, you kneed

2544
01:32:12,219 --> 01:32:14,460
me a couple times, I shoved you a

2545
01:32:14,460 --> 01:32:16,560
couple times. We love one another. And,

2546
01:32:17,260 --> 01:32:18,539
and I was awake through all of that

2547
01:32:18,539 --> 01:32:20,460
and then I clearly fell asleep at some

2548
01:32:20,460 --> 01:32:22,139
point, and then I woke up and I

2549
01:32:22,139 --> 01:32:23,775
needed to pee and I said, not today,

2550
01:32:23,775 --> 01:32:26,494
Satan. And I tried to make myself go

2551
01:32:26,494 --> 01:32:28,735
back to sleep, and then your alarm went

2552
01:32:28,735 --> 01:32:29,795
off. And I went,

2553
01:32:30,095 --> 01:32:31,454
no. I'm not getting

2554
01:32:33,614 --> 01:32:35,375
and I think I fell back asleep for,

2555
01:32:35,375 --> 01:32:37,935
like, fifteen more minutes. Oh, god. Oh, which

2556
01:32:37,935 --> 01:32:39,000
is the worst. Like,

2557
01:32:39,720 --> 01:32:42,039
I don't know. Everybody's different. I have learned

2558
01:32:42,039 --> 01:32:43,739
over the years, if I

2559
01:32:44,279 --> 01:32:46,119
am gonna fall back asleep, I better get,

2560
01:32:46,119 --> 01:32:48,279
like, that full fucking REM cycle. Better get,

2561
01:32:48,279 --> 01:32:49,479
like, the hour and a half or whatever

2562
01:32:49,479 --> 01:32:51,340
it is. Because if it's less than that,

2563
01:32:51,895 --> 01:32:52,395
exhausted.

2564
01:32:52,774 --> 01:32:53,274
Exhausted

2565
01:32:53,574 --> 01:32:54,635
when I wake up.

2566
01:32:59,255 --> 01:33:00,074
But, yeah.

2567
01:33:00,854 --> 01:33:03,095
So now we're doing all the details of

2568
01:33:03,095 --> 01:33:04,375
what we need to pack because we don't

2569
01:33:04,375 --> 01:33:05,354
wanna forget anything.

2570
01:33:06,239 --> 01:33:08,000
And because it's a tight turnaround, it there's

2571
01:33:08,000 --> 01:33:09,939
some things it doesn't make sense to bring,

2572
01:33:10,159 --> 01:33:11,680
but there's some things that if we forget

2573
01:33:11,680 --> 01:33:13,760
it, it won't make sense to just go

2574
01:33:13,760 --> 01:33:15,359
buy it because we're not there that long,

2575
01:33:15,359 --> 01:33:16,560
but it means you have to be without

2576
01:33:16,560 --> 01:33:17,060
it.

2577
01:33:18,159 --> 01:33:18,979
And we're

2578
01:33:19,604 --> 01:33:21,625
not gonna be in our typical climate,

2579
01:33:22,324 --> 01:33:24,965
so we're watching weather forecast and I don't

2580
01:33:24,965 --> 01:33:25,784
own a jacket.

2581
01:33:26,564 --> 01:33:27,225
I'm like,

2582
01:33:27,604 --> 01:33:29,364
look, I do good if I wear a

2583
01:33:29,364 --> 01:33:29,864
hoodie

2584
01:33:30,484 --> 01:33:32,569
and a t shirt underneath said hoodie. That's

2585
01:33:32,569 --> 01:33:35,310
enough layers. I mean, thank god for, you

2586
01:33:35,449 --> 01:33:38,270
know, the extra padding and and running hot

2587
01:33:38,329 --> 01:33:38,829
naturally.

2588
01:33:39,449 --> 01:33:40,670
I'll mostly be fine.

2589
01:33:42,970 --> 01:33:45,210
Yeah. Going to airports we've not traveled to

2590
01:33:45,210 --> 01:33:47,755
and from before. Mhmm. So I'm doing that

2591
01:33:47,755 --> 01:33:49,755
thing. Not everybody does it. I know. But

2592
01:33:49,755 --> 01:33:51,694
I script stuff in my head. I script

2593
01:33:52,154 --> 01:33:52,654
conversations

2594
01:33:53,114 --> 01:33:53,614
always.

2595
01:33:54,395 --> 01:33:55,295
But I also

2596
01:33:56,074 --> 01:33:58,554
script out of my head, like, what should

2597
01:33:58,554 --> 01:34:00,119
happen from point a to point b? What's

2598
01:34:00,119 --> 01:34:01,720
the day supposed to look like? What is

2599
01:34:01,720 --> 01:34:03,320
this event supposed to look like? What what

2600
01:34:03,320 --> 01:34:04,840
happens then and then what happens next? And

2601
01:34:04,840 --> 01:34:06,360
we go to the and I do that

2602
01:34:06,360 --> 01:34:07,880
in my head all the time. And with

2603
01:34:07,880 --> 01:34:10,199
travel, when I have never been to a

2604
01:34:10,199 --> 01:34:12,439
location before, and it can be as something

2605
01:34:12,439 --> 01:34:14,039
as simple as never having been to the

2606
01:34:14,039 --> 01:34:14,805
airport before,

2607
01:34:15,364 --> 01:34:16,965
I can't script it, and so I am

2608
01:34:16,965 --> 01:34:18,985
then on fucking edge.

2609
01:34:19,445 --> 01:34:21,925
Like but how do I prepare myself for

2610
01:34:21,925 --> 01:34:23,925
what might happen if I don't know what

2611
01:34:23,925 --> 01:34:24,664
might happen?

2612
01:34:25,204 --> 01:34:26,265
How do I, like,

2613
01:34:27,300 --> 01:34:30,039
make sure that I'm prepared for any event

2614
01:34:30,099 --> 01:34:30,599
possible

2615
01:34:32,500 --> 01:34:34,739
if I don't know what to expect? Now

2616
01:34:34,739 --> 01:34:36,899
once we do this one this trip out

2617
01:34:36,899 --> 01:34:38,439
and back once, I'll be fine.

2618
01:34:38,914 --> 01:34:40,694
I I will be a 100% fine.

2619
01:34:41,074 --> 01:34:42,515
But I gotta go through this one. And

2620
01:34:42,515 --> 01:34:44,375
apparently, that means I'm not gonna be sleeping.

2621
01:34:45,475 --> 01:34:47,395
Do this one. Did our screen go black

2622
01:34:47,395 --> 01:34:47,895
again?

2623
01:34:48,274 --> 01:34:48,774
No.

2624
01:34:49,555 --> 01:34:51,475
That's weird. I think it might be the

2625
01:34:51,475 --> 01:34:53,409
delay. It hasn't caught up. Maybe.

2626
01:34:54,189 --> 01:34:54,930
So yeah.

2627
01:34:56,030 --> 01:34:58,130
That'll be a good trip. We'll come back.

2628
01:34:59,390 --> 01:35:01,390
We'll probably rock up into our own driveway

2629
01:35:01,390 --> 01:35:03,170
at, like, 2AM on Saturday.

2630
01:35:03,789 --> 01:35:06,030
We've already decided that we are doing no

2631
01:35:06,030 --> 01:35:08,094
chores. We We are doing no errands on

2632
01:35:08,094 --> 01:35:10,835
Saturday. We are laying still on Saturday.

2633
01:35:11,854 --> 01:35:12,914
And then Sunday,

2634
01:35:13,534 --> 01:35:16,014
the oldest has a big it's like the

2635
01:35:16,014 --> 01:35:17,554
big recital of his

2636
01:35:18,014 --> 01:35:19,234
college degree.

2637
01:35:19,694 --> 01:35:20,194
Mhmm.

2638
01:35:21,420 --> 01:35:23,199
And we're gonna be there for that,

2639
01:35:24,779 --> 01:35:26,939
which I'm excited about. Yeah. I I get

2640
01:35:26,939 --> 01:35:28,560
nervous, like, as like

2641
01:35:29,020 --> 01:35:29,520
so

2642
01:35:30,219 --> 01:35:32,140
I get nervous for him because I know

2643
01:35:32,140 --> 01:35:33,555
he doesn't wanna make mistakes.

2644
01:35:34,034 --> 01:35:36,275
And I also get nervous is the wrong

2645
01:35:36,275 --> 01:35:37,875
word. Like, I'm happy for him. I'm excited.

2646
01:35:37,875 --> 01:35:39,235
I can't wait to watch him. But I

2647
01:35:39,235 --> 01:35:41,155
do that, like, on edge thing because I

2648
01:35:41,155 --> 01:35:41,655
remember

2649
01:35:42,675 --> 01:35:44,914
middle school and high school versions of him

2650
01:35:44,914 --> 01:35:46,515
where you they would practice really hard and

2651
01:35:46,515 --> 01:35:47,795
there'd still be, like, a crack in a

2652
01:35:47,795 --> 01:35:49,140
note or a thing would go wrong. And

2653
01:35:49,140 --> 01:35:50,500
he always hated it, and I hated it

2654
01:35:50,500 --> 01:35:52,020
for him. I wanted it to be brilliant

2655
01:35:52,020 --> 01:35:54,020
and perfect now. We are on year three

2656
01:35:54,020 --> 01:35:56,179
of listening to this child play a musical

2657
01:35:56,179 --> 01:35:58,420
instrument at the college level. And, yeah, he

2658
01:35:58,420 --> 01:36:00,439
still has blips and moments, but

2659
01:36:00,899 --> 01:36:01,800
it is so

2660
01:36:02,145 --> 01:36:05,125
far and above and beyond the high school

2661
01:36:05,184 --> 01:36:05,684
experience

2662
01:36:06,385 --> 01:36:08,564
that I think he sounds magical

2663
01:36:08,944 --> 01:36:12,064
every time, and I cry at every solo

2664
01:36:12,064 --> 01:36:14,784
he has, at every big boy thing he

2665
01:36:14,784 --> 01:36:17,344
does at the college level. And this one

2666
01:36:17,344 --> 01:36:18,710
is an hour of

2667
01:36:19,409 --> 01:36:22,210
him playing multiple pieces, sometimes alone, sometimes with

2668
01:36:22,210 --> 01:36:22,710
the,

2669
01:36:23,409 --> 01:36:26,210
piano accompanist, sometimes in, like, a trio or

2670
01:36:26,210 --> 01:36:29,090
a duet or whatever whatever. Like, he's had

2671
01:36:29,090 --> 01:36:31,649
to put together this recital, and he is

2672
01:36:31,649 --> 01:36:34,215
the center of it, of every piece.

2673
01:36:34,914 --> 01:36:36,354
And I know he's gonna be amazing and

2674
01:36:36,354 --> 01:36:37,314
it's gonna be great and it's a lot

2675
01:36:37,314 --> 01:36:38,994
of pressure and he pretty much handles pressure

2676
01:36:38,994 --> 01:36:40,835
well, but I will be on the edge

2677
01:36:40,835 --> 01:36:43,875
of my seat for that entire hour. I

2678
01:36:43,875 --> 01:36:45,500
will feel like I have run a marathon

2679
01:36:45,500 --> 01:36:47,020
by the time we're done. Now I didn't

2680
01:36:47,020 --> 01:36:49,119
have to do fucking nothing except sit there.

2681
01:36:50,060 --> 01:36:51,900
So Yeah. I I remember when he,

2682
01:36:52,699 --> 01:36:55,180
first started with an instrument and you practiced

2683
01:36:55,180 --> 01:36:56,079
in the closet.

2684
01:36:58,684 --> 01:37:01,164
I don't remember that. In the condo. He

2685
01:37:01,164 --> 01:37:02,684
used to go in the closet. I don't

2686
01:37:02,684 --> 01:37:04,524
remember that. Okay. You don't remember that? No.

2687
01:37:04,524 --> 01:37:05,664
I don't remember that.

2688
01:37:06,444 --> 01:37:06,944
Um-mm.

2689
01:37:07,644 --> 01:37:08,764
I think it might be coming back to

2690
01:37:08,764 --> 01:37:10,359
me now, but no. I did not remember

2691
01:37:10,359 --> 01:37:11,659
that for sure. Yeah.

2692
01:37:12,680 --> 01:37:13,260
I know.

2693
01:37:14,119 --> 01:37:14,939
So strange.

2694
01:37:16,039 --> 01:37:16,520
So

2695
01:37:17,000 --> 01:37:17,500
yeah.

2696
01:37:19,399 --> 01:37:20,060
I can.

2697
01:37:21,399 --> 01:37:22,920
Last week was a rough week because we

2698
01:37:22,920 --> 01:37:24,460
had a family member in the hospital.

2699
01:37:24,784 --> 01:37:26,225
They appear to be on the mend. It

2700
01:37:26,225 --> 01:37:28,145
was critical. It was scary for a few

2701
01:37:28,145 --> 01:37:29,765
days. Yeah. And now

2702
01:37:30,704 --> 01:37:32,545
and see, before it got scary for them,

2703
01:37:32,545 --> 01:37:34,465
they were already there for, like, some serious

2704
01:37:34,465 --> 01:37:34,965
injuries.

2705
01:37:35,905 --> 01:37:37,899
And they had surgery, and they got it

2706
01:37:37,899 --> 01:37:40,619
went downhill very fucking quickly. And now it

2707
01:37:40,619 --> 01:37:41,680
seems like they're

2708
01:37:42,619 --> 01:37:44,939
they've recovered from that critical moment, but they

2709
01:37:44,939 --> 01:37:46,380
still have the injuries that had them at

2710
01:37:46,380 --> 01:37:48,800
the hospital to be able to recover from.

2711
01:37:50,539 --> 01:37:50,864
So

2712
01:37:51,744 --> 01:37:53,744
yeah. This is the longest my mom's ever

2713
01:37:53,744 --> 01:37:55,105
been in town. By the time she leaves

2714
01:37:55,105 --> 01:37:56,465
next week, it'll have been two weeks. She's

2715
01:37:56,465 --> 01:37:58,164
not usually here for two weeks. Mm-mm.

2716
01:37:58,704 --> 01:38:00,545
She was prepared to stay for however long

2717
01:38:00,545 --> 01:38:01,525
she needed to.

2718
01:38:02,065 --> 01:38:04,719
Because it chance she was gonna leave and

2719
01:38:04,719 --> 01:38:06,079
then Have to come right back now. Come

2720
01:38:06,079 --> 01:38:06,819
right back

2721
01:38:07,119 --> 01:38:09,859
too. So Yeah. I'm glad that

2722
01:38:10,560 --> 01:38:13,699
smoothed itself out. Mhmm. Anything is still possible,

2723
01:38:13,920 --> 01:38:15,550
of course Yeah. Knowing

2724
01:38:16,034 --> 01:38:18,194
this person's history, anything really is still possible.

2725
01:38:18,194 --> 01:38:19,954
But But right now, things look very good.

2726
01:38:19,954 --> 01:38:21,875
Yeah. I mean, we were we were gonna

2727
01:38:21,875 --> 01:38:24,274
travel no matter what because a lot of

2728
01:38:24,274 --> 01:38:26,354
a lot of fucking money got spent on

2729
01:38:26,354 --> 01:38:28,274
plane tickets in a in a single hotel

2730
01:38:28,274 --> 01:38:29,015
room. Yeah.

2731
01:38:30,354 --> 01:38:31,175
But I

2732
01:38:31,520 --> 01:38:33,300
I was prepared for, like,

2733
01:38:34,239 --> 01:38:36,319
chaos right before we left and and some

2734
01:38:36,479 --> 01:38:38,000
you know, whatever right when we got back,

2735
01:38:38,000 --> 01:38:38,500
and

2736
01:38:39,039 --> 01:38:41,439
I feel better about leaving town Yeah. If

2737
01:38:41,439 --> 01:38:45,279
that helps. Yeah. So yeah. It's it's a

2738
01:38:45,279 --> 01:38:47,385
weird week. Mhmm. I just wanna get a

2739
01:38:47,385 --> 01:38:48,904
good night's sleep, and I probably will not

2740
01:38:48,904 --> 01:38:51,704
until we're back on Saturday. That'll probably be

2741
01:38:51,704 --> 01:38:53,324
when I, like, just

2742
01:38:53,704 --> 01:38:55,385
get knocked out in sleep sleep. But it's

2743
01:38:55,385 --> 01:38:57,145
okay. We're it'll be fine. It'll be an

2744
01:38:57,145 --> 01:38:58,284
adventure. You will.

2745
01:38:58,619 --> 01:39:00,139
I don't like change, and I don't like

2746
01:39:00,139 --> 01:39:02,139
not knowing what's coming. But sure. Great. I

2747
01:39:02,139 --> 01:39:03,520
can't wait to have an adventure.

2748
01:39:05,340 --> 01:39:07,199
An adventure shall be.

2749
01:39:08,139 --> 01:39:10,219
Look. The only reason this is gonna happen

2750
01:39:10,219 --> 01:39:12,859
with any level of success is because JB

2751
01:39:12,859 --> 01:39:14,784
is gonna be there. And when

2752
01:39:15,484 --> 01:39:18,045
two putting pressure on me now, please. No.

2753
01:39:18,045 --> 01:39:20,204
Look. When two of the three of us

2754
01:39:20,204 --> 01:39:21,965
are, like, wide eyed and we don't know

2755
01:39:21,965 --> 01:39:24,045
what's supposed to happen next, this man if

2756
01:39:24,045 --> 01:39:25,645
nothing else, it might not always be the

2757
01:39:25,645 --> 01:39:27,404
right decision, but he will make a decision

2758
01:39:27,404 --> 01:39:29,185
and we will move forward from there.

2759
01:39:30,369 --> 01:39:32,530
Me and the youngest, we get stuck. We

2760
01:39:32,530 --> 01:39:33,890
we get in freeze mode if I don't

2761
01:39:33,890 --> 01:39:35,510
know what I'm supposed to do next.

2762
01:39:36,130 --> 01:39:38,050
JB don't live like that. I I don't

2763
01:39:38,050 --> 01:39:39,650
know if they still do it, but if,

2764
01:39:40,050 --> 01:39:42,050
I feel but it makes me feel like

2765
01:39:42,210 --> 01:39:43,989
Mhmm. I think it was the Peabody

2766
01:39:44,925 --> 01:39:47,484
in Orlando where they had the daily walking

2767
01:39:47,484 --> 01:39:50,444
of the ducks. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. They're

2768
01:39:50,444 --> 01:39:52,524
gonna come out. And and Dylan would walk

2769
01:39:52,524 --> 01:39:54,444
and the ducks would fall into the fountain.

2770
01:39:54,444 --> 01:39:56,125
Right. Because we were like opening up the

2771
01:39:56,204 --> 01:39:57,885
and that's what I feel like with y'all,

2772
01:39:57,885 --> 01:39:59,885
you know, just yeah. I try to make

2773
01:39:59,885 --> 01:40:01,260
it so you don't have to have that

2774
01:40:01,260 --> 01:40:03,260
full responsibility before we go. Like, I try

2775
01:40:03,260 --> 01:40:05,579
to plan things, and, like, I booked the

2776
01:40:05,579 --> 01:40:07,739
rental cars, and I booked the Yeah. Plane,

2777
01:40:07,739 --> 01:40:09,420
and I I did all of the things,

2778
01:40:09,420 --> 01:40:10,780
and then I will read, like, a good

2779
01:40:10,780 --> 01:40:12,640
submissive. I'll relay all the information.

2780
01:40:13,064 --> 01:40:14,904
But there will come moments where I'm like,

2781
01:40:14,904 --> 01:40:16,824
I couldn't plan for this. I don't know

2782
01:40:16,824 --> 01:40:17,805
what we do next.

2783
01:40:19,305 --> 01:40:20,984
But what the thing the thing we will

2784
01:40:20,984 --> 01:40:22,585
tell ourselves probably when we get in the

2785
01:40:22,585 --> 01:40:24,685
car to drive to Orlando for the airport,

2786
01:40:26,425 --> 01:40:27,164
on Thursday,

2787
01:40:27,510 --> 01:40:28,869
is we will have a pep talk that

2788
01:40:28,869 --> 01:40:29,989
we do a lot when we know we're

2789
01:40:29,989 --> 01:40:32,090
going into a high stress situation. Mhmm.

2790
01:40:32,630 --> 01:40:33,449
We will go,

2791
01:40:33,909 --> 01:40:36,149
we love one another. We wanna keep loving

2792
01:40:36,149 --> 01:40:38,010
one another. We wanna stay together.

2793
01:40:38,630 --> 01:40:39,929
So we will remember

2794
01:40:40,395 --> 01:40:43,274
that it's not you versus me. It is

2795
01:40:43,274 --> 01:40:44,895
us versus the chaos.

2796
01:40:45,354 --> 01:40:47,055
And, you know, when we do that,

2797
01:40:47,515 --> 01:40:49,994
it's mostly fine. What'll happen is one of

2798
01:40:49,994 --> 01:40:51,694
us if one of us gets snappy,

2799
01:40:52,314 --> 01:40:54,869
the other one will crack a joke, like,

2800
01:40:54,869 --> 01:40:55,529
to remind

2801
01:40:56,630 --> 01:40:58,630
the other that wait. Wait. Wait. We're not

2802
01:40:58,630 --> 01:41:00,630
being stressed with one another. We're being stressed

2803
01:41:00,630 --> 01:41:01,369
at the problem.

2804
01:41:01,750 --> 01:41:03,929
Right. And and it helps. So

2805
01:41:04,869 --> 01:41:05,369
yeah.

2806
01:41:06,149 --> 01:41:07,449
So anyway Yep.

2807
01:41:09,029 --> 01:41:10,755
That's us about to go on an adventure.

2808
01:41:10,755 --> 01:41:12,755
Mhmm. So, yeah, we're, we're getting ready to

2809
01:41:12,755 --> 01:41:13,574
do all that.

2810
01:41:14,274 --> 01:41:16,054
Lola will be going to

2811
01:41:17,154 --> 01:41:19,574
be boarded. Mhmm. Mhmm. And

2812
01:41:20,594 --> 01:41:22,594
at the the big luxury package

2813
01:41:22,914 --> 01:41:24,694
Yeah. She'll get the bigger

2814
01:41:25,039 --> 01:41:27,220
room. Mhmm. She'll get,

2815
01:41:27,760 --> 01:41:29,920
we'll get updates at least one a day

2816
01:41:29,920 --> 01:41:31,680
with a picture or video, one of the

2817
01:41:31,680 --> 01:41:34,239
two. She'll get special treats. She will get

2818
01:41:34,239 --> 01:41:36,000
one on one time with humans, which she

2819
01:41:36,000 --> 01:41:38,560
fucking loves. Mhmm. She'll get minimal time with

2820
01:41:38,560 --> 01:41:40,215
other dogs because she doesn't mind other dogs,

2821
01:41:40,295 --> 01:41:42,074
but apparently, the high energy dogs

2822
01:41:43,094 --> 01:41:44,935
She's a chill out a little bit. Yeah.

2823
01:41:44,935 --> 01:41:46,295
Right. And I'm just like, you know what?

2824
01:41:46,295 --> 01:41:48,054
Same. She's an older gal now. So, you

2825
01:41:48,054 --> 01:41:49,974
know, she's I don't have all that energy

2826
01:41:49,974 --> 01:41:50,954
bullshit. Yeah.

2827
01:41:51,494 --> 01:41:52,935
My mom is gonna feed the cats. I

2828
01:41:52,935 --> 01:41:54,054
did not know if I would get to

2829
01:41:54,054 --> 01:41:55,510
ask her to do that because I didn't

2830
01:41:55,510 --> 01:41:56,789
know what all was going on or how

2831
01:41:56,789 --> 01:41:58,229
long she'd be here, and she's gonna feed

2832
01:41:58,229 --> 01:42:00,250
the cats for us. So,

2833
01:42:01,829 --> 01:42:03,770
I really hope she does not get nosy

2834
01:42:04,149 --> 01:42:05,829
and walk around the house. She's not usually

2835
01:42:05,829 --> 01:42:07,635
that tight, but I am currently sitting here

2836
01:42:07,635 --> 01:42:09,494
next to JB staring at

2837
01:42:09,954 --> 01:42:12,534
a giant purple dick with giant purple balls.

2838
01:42:12,835 --> 01:42:15,255
Mhmm. And I don't wanna have the conversation

2839
01:42:15,314 --> 01:42:17,314
with my mother if she happens to walk

2840
01:42:17,314 --> 01:42:18,215
in this office

2841
01:42:18,914 --> 01:42:19,414
about

2842
01:42:19,954 --> 01:42:20,454
why.

2843
01:42:21,074 --> 01:42:22,854
First of all, she would either

2844
01:42:23,220 --> 01:42:25,380
be in denial or is kind of innocent,

2845
01:42:25,380 --> 01:42:27,220
but I think it'd be denial, and would

2846
01:42:27,220 --> 01:42:28,899
not be able to name it as a

2847
01:42:28,899 --> 01:42:30,760
giant purple dick. Okay?

2848
01:42:32,340 --> 01:42:34,260
She she I don't think she would. I

2849
01:42:34,260 --> 01:42:35,300
think it would I think it would be

2850
01:42:35,300 --> 01:42:37,675
denial. She's not an idiot. Well, if it

2851
01:42:37,675 --> 01:42:39,515
makes it feel I will put sir Richard

2852
01:42:39,515 --> 01:42:41,435
away. Okay. Well, I hope we don't find

2853
01:42:41,435 --> 01:42:43,114
out that my mother is nosy in general.

2854
01:42:43,114 --> 01:42:43,614
Yeah.

2855
01:42:45,595 --> 01:42:47,275
But I was just gonna close off all

2856
01:42:47,275 --> 01:42:49,755
the outer rooms Yeah. So Ella does not

2857
01:42:49,755 --> 01:42:51,479
pee in every corner while I was on.

2858
01:42:53,159 --> 01:42:55,340
I love that cat. I love that cat.

2859
01:42:55,399 --> 01:42:55,899
Yeah.

2860
01:42:56,760 --> 01:42:58,119
But if my mom's like, oh, I never

2861
01:42:58,119 --> 01:42:59,640
get to walk around here. Well, maybe you

2862
01:42:59,640 --> 01:43:01,479
shouldn't because you're gonna see big, giant, purple

2863
01:43:01,479 --> 01:43:02,539
dicks. Okay?

2864
01:43:06,694 --> 01:43:08,454
You never know. You never know what you're

2865
01:43:08,454 --> 01:43:10,875
gonna find. Not around here. Right?

2866
01:43:11,895 --> 01:43:14,215
Not around here. The youngest, the 16 year

2867
01:43:14,215 --> 01:43:15,835
old, she asked one day, she goes,

2868
01:43:16,375 --> 01:43:19,335
is everything you make and sell some sex

2869
01:43:19,335 --> 01:43:19,835
thing?

2870
01:43:20,289 --> 01:43:23,189
I said, kink, but yeah. She goes, everything?

2871
01:43:23,810 --> 01:43:27,029
Even the candles? I said, especially the candles.

2872
01:43:28,130 --> 01:43:30,529
She was like, goddamn it. I thought that

2873
01:43:30,529 --> 01:43:32,449
was like one of the normal fake scenes

2874
01:43:32,449 --> 01:43:34,534
on the table. No. No.

2875
01:43:39,395 --> 01:43:39,895
Sorry.

2876
01:43:40,675 --> 01:43:41,175
Yeah.

2877
01:43:41,555 --> 01:43:42,854
Anyway. Anywho.

2878
01:43:43,555 --> 01:43:45,015
We're gonna go. Yep.

2879
01:43:45,715 --> 01:43:47,270
I'm sure I've got 85 texts from my

2880
01:43:47,270 --> 01:43:49,350
mom about dinner because we're going with my

2881
01:43:49,350 --> 01:43:51,190
mom tonight. And I gotta feed the, fur

2882
01:43:51,190 --> 01:43:53,270
babies. Mhmm. And we have to do all

2883
01:43:53,270 --> 01:43:54,630
the things that we would do Thursday and

2884
01:43:54,630 --> 01:43:56,810
Friday today Mhmm. Work wise.

2885
01:43:57,510 --> 01:43:59,909
So it'd be fun times. Yeah. Thanks for

2886
01:43:59,909 --> 01:44:01,210
being here with us. Mhmm.

2887
01:44:02,310 --> 01:44:04,255
If you felt especially called out in any

2888
01:44:04,255 --> 01:44:07,614
part of the emotional intelligence regulation conversation, I

2889
01:44:07,614 --> 01:44:08,594
feel you. Same.

2890
01:44:09,054 --> 01:44:11,454
Hopefully, it's helpful to somebody. And we will

2891
01:44:11,454 --> 01:44:13,534
be back next week. And,

2892
01:44:14,734 --> 01:44:16,974
yeah. Sorry about the little glitches in the

2893
01:44:16,974 --> 01:44:17,474
video.

2894
01:44:18,460 --> 01:44:19,659
Not sure what that was.

2895
01:44:19,979 --> 01:44:21,520
Podcasts will be fine.

2896
01:44:21,899 --> 01:44:22,300
Yeah. So,

2897
01:44:23,340 --> 01:44:23,840
anyhoo.

2898
01:44:24,460 --> 01:44:24,960
Yeah.

2899
01:44:26,300 --> 01:44:28,000
Okay. Okay. We're gonna go.

2900
01:44:28,380 --> 01:44:29,599
Bye y'all. Bye y'all.