You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the
I can't find anything snarky to say about
you.
Must be your lucky day, John Brownstone.
The snarky things I could say, I'm not
gonna say because I'm not I mean, I'm
a bitch, but I'm not
that kind of a bitch. And I'm not
gonna tease you about things that I know
you would not wanna be teased about.
I'm not gonna do it.
Well, I appreciate that. Will I make sure
that you know that I could have
Oh, I do. Not to? Of course. Of
course. Absolutely.
And and probably, you know, knowing you, when
the lights go off and the microphones
dim, you know, or the lights dim and
the microphone's off What?
You know, then you'll,
regale me with your I won't tease you,
but I'll tell you what I'm not choosing
not to tease you about. And you'll be
proud of me for having that much self
control. Okay?
Okay. Anyway,
you know, in a, in a weird way,
that, that conversation
kind of, sort of maybe relates to today's
question.
A baby girl is struggling to let herself
embrace her caregiver little,
power exchange with her partner
as a parent to teenagers and is, like,
looking for a little guidance.
As a parent to
a teenager and a 20 year old, I
feel like we've we've run that gauntlet, so
hopefully we can help. Yeah.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're
new here, we help kinksters like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast
to your favorite podcast app so you never
miss an episode.
Also,
whatever podcast app you're using, if you could
leave a rating, a review, whatever it's called,
if you enjoy this, we would love it.
That helps other kinksters find us. And if
you have a, question that you'd like us
to answer,
I did indeed get the page working again.
I have checked it on multiple browsers.
There should be a box on the contact
page, the ask your questions page, where you
put in your information, and you put in
your question. And it's supposed to come to
me.
Now that still remains to be seen. I'm
figuring it out. But there is a box
now. You've you've been quite the web
guru lately. So freaking exhausted. Oh, let's talk
about something else.
Anyway, you can find that link in the
show notes or at lovingbdsm.net.
Okay. Here we go. I grew up in
a religious family. And while I fully enjoy
being a baby girl, I'm having a hard
time doing it full time. I want to
because of the stigma of the life style.
My daddy and I have teenagers at home,
and I pull away from my daddy when
they're home for fear of judgment. I'm using
your podcast as homework to learn. Daddy and
I then have conversations about what I heard
and how it affects our relationship.
I was wondering if you guys had an
episode where you addressed how having children around
plays into
a DDLG relationship that's twenty four seven.
Yes. We do. Yep.
Most of what we've talked about in the
past and probably what we'll talk about today
is about
DS relationships in general. Mhmm. And we will
link to everything we've ever recorded, whether on
YouTube,
or for the podcast in the places so
you can go listen to those. Some are
very old episodes. Yeah. I think the first
time we ever talked Kids were young. Yeah.
The first time we ever talked about
being parents while being kinky,
I wanna say we were still in double
digit, episode numbers.
I believe so. And for anybody who doesn't
know, for the podcast, we are up to
460
something. And I wanna say Word. And I
wanna say So that was a long time
ago. We might have done an one of
the updates,
when when we were in,
around 2019.
Yes. And we have we have to has
multiple conversations because this comes up
a lot. Yeah. A lot a lot. So
while we will try to gear what we're
talking about specific to caregiver little, and I
can
certainly think of
some things that might be specific to that
that might come up for parents of teenagers.
We'll also sort of talk more generally about
some things.
What are some thoughts that come to mind
for you?
Well, you know, one of I think one
of the first things that come to mind
is if you can plan an escape.
You know,
if you can get away for a weekend
overnight,
something like that.
But,
that's just short term. Yeah. That doesn't help
the day to day for sure. No. But,
you know, long term for day to day,
you're gonna have to look for ways that
are subtle.
That means something between two of you.
You know, it it could be even something
like in the evening if you're sitting on
the sofa
and, you know, you're snuggling.
Alright. I mean, that's just a
would seem a normal thing, but to you
it would have more meaning. Especially if there's
a certain way you're sitting together, if there's
something that your daddy dom does or says
to initiate Mhmm. If there are expectations
that your partner has of you as the
submissive of how you're supposed to behave during
that time. All of those things are
discussed and planned
outside of the hearing of children of any
age. Yeah. And then when you're doing them,
it looks like snuggling on the couch. Mhmm.
But it it has meaning to you that
you're not talking about. You've already had the
meaning
when you're behind closed doors again and the
kids aren't around, but you're doing this
thing together
What that nobody's gonna look at funny. What
are the little things
that y'all do day to day
that maybe you don't even think about,
but have some sort of meaning
to your power exchange. Or could have some
sort of meaning to your power exchange. Or
could. Exactly.
And and, you know, build from those. Build
from there.
Mhmm. I mean, it's, you know, anytime we
talk
to
parents who are just trying to have any
kind of power exchange while they have children
running around their house and needing their attention,
that is the thing we say is you're
gonna find things that work with the dynamic
you have
that don't look like anything suspicious
to your children or family visiting or vanilla
friends or whoever.
And
you're gonna do what look like normal things
but you are going to add the layer
of meaning on top of it so that
you know and your partner knows that while
you're doing these things this is because of
your power exchange and but nobody's gonna question
anything.
Now let's talk about the fact that you
call your partner daddy,
and I'm having a moment of, oh, is
this part of the problem with teenagers? Because
see Mhmm. When you've got little kids, babies,
and little little ones,
it is very common
for one parent to refer to the other
parent
in the way that their child refers to
them when you're talking to them or about
them. So, you know,
you might say, oh,
daddy said blah blah blah. And the the
your kid's like, yeah. That's my daddy. And
you're like, that's my daddy too. And it
it doesn't
nobody knows. But there might come a point
where
they don't refer to your partner as daddy.
Or Mhmm. In our case,
JB is the stepparent. So my the children
never called him daddy. So if I had
started calling him daddy
to them in front of them, there would
have been questions. Mhmm. So whether it's a
it's sort of the
the they've never seen your partner as that
figure
or they only use that term and you
only felt safe to use that term when
they were very young and now here they're
teenagers and you got questions and how am
I supposed to do
this,
this is when you're probably gonna get creative
as well. Mhmm.
So
I got lucky
in that it was
never an issue
of, oh, darn. I can't call JB daddy
or I won't. It's not can't. I choose
not to in front of the kids. What
will I do? We have this, and I
think it's a southern thing, but maybe it's
something people do in other parts of the
country and the world, where if you are
an adult in a child's life and there's
a there's some kind
of family connection or relationship
connection,
it's very common to use Mr. Miss whatever
and then their first name to not go
so formal as to be like a last
name like you would with a teacher. So
the kids met JB as Mr. Zhang,
and they have only ever called him Mr.
Zhang. And so I got to call him
Mr. Zhang because I did that parent thing
of calling him by the name that the
kids would call him and talking about him
like that and talking to him like that.
That's true. And it became an honorific
because it's got mister at the front, and
it's a little bit more formal. Plus, also,
I hate saying his actual name. That makes
me wanna gag.
Over time, as I
helped him develop the online persona that is
John Brownstone, and I got teased by my
online friends for always calling him John Brownstone
because that was like another title because I
then I didn't have to say his first
name all by itself. Hate that.
I've now shortened it to JB.
JB,
I can comfortably call him that in front
of anybody,
and they can tell it's a nickname
even if they don't know why or how.
Or what it is. Yeah. Right. So this
is another place you're gonna wanna get creative.
What are some things that you could refer
to your partner as
that the kids might look. Teenagers are gonna
look at you funny no matter what. I
think that's just what they do. They're gonna
question everything you do. I think it's fair
to be like, I don't wanna call my
partner daddy. I don't wanna necessarily
be my full
baby girl slash little
self
around the kids. I think that's okay regardless
of the stigma and regardless of the other
things you're overcoming, to be comfortable
with yourself
as a kinkster,
there's a layer that you got to decide
for yourself of what's okay and what's not
that you're gonna do in front or not
do in front of your own children. Right?
And so this is where it's like, okay
do
do you have a nickname that maybe you
don't use all the time, but the kids
wouldn't clock? Or is there a nickname you
can start using that the kids might think
it's funny or,
silly or why is mom doing that? And
and when they ask, you go,
it's just a private joke between us. You
know? Don't worry about it.
If you make it a big deal, they'll
definitely wanna know.
Oh. Depending on how your kids are,
I was I'm grateful that our kids are
the type who the moment you even mentioned
that we might be fully formed human beings
who can be intimate with one another, with
no details, just the fact that we could,
they they nope out. They don't Mhmm. If
your kids are like that, then all you
have to do is go, oh, it's like
it's a private thing. I do, you know,
with Yeah.
Now you gotta know your kids' personalities and
what they're gonna react to.
So, you know, are they a coach? Are
they a doctor? Are they do they have
a title outside of your relationship that there's
relationship
that there's context
for why your kids might hear it and
not clock
it that you can start referring to your
partner as, and it becomes
this honorific.
Now I'm trying to think of other because
you were not
specific about what it is that you're uncomfortable,
doing or saying or portraying yourself as in
front of your teenagers.
And so, one, I have to ask you
to think to yourself,
is it the idea that you know that
everything you're doing is now kinky because it's
now a power exchange? And so there's this
feeling that shouldn't everybody
on the outside looking in notice it too,
and won't they have questions? Most of the
time, even our nosy kids, not really,
nosy kids will usually be satisfied with I'm
really happy with your dad, your mom, your
whoever. Right?
We're, you know,
we're making time for another. Especially
with teenagers, it's not hard to have conversations
like,
hey. Me and mister John, we need to
have time to just be together and and
sustain our relationship. We love one another, and
so part of that is doing things together
and having these moments that are child free.
And we just kinda lay it out for
them, and they've always gone, okay. Okay. Stop
making me think about you two as, like,
actual people who do
things that
yeah. Yeah. You. Right. The more you tense
up and assume that, you know, people in
your life are noticing things and questioning things,
the more they will notice and and question
because now you're uncomfortable.
If it's because I went through this a
little bit. If any part of your discomfort
is, okay. Before we found this lifestyle, before
we figured out caregiver little, and you as,
in this case, the baby girl, you know,
I I behaved a certain way because that's
just what I how I was and what
I thought I was supposed to do. And
now here I am and there are times
when my baby girl's side
comes out.
I- if there's any discomfort to that, I
recognize that because
my kids
saw me as
the very
stressed,
rushed,
trying to keep it together, didn't know what
the hell she was doing, but I didn't
laugh a lot. I wasn't being silly. I
didn't
I didn't behave in what I consider sort
of my more baby girl way because life
didn't allow that. So once I was in
a relationship where the baby girl side was
free to just be there,
good and bad,
did the kids
look at me funny at first? Sure. Because
they never seen their mom just act like
something other than a mom, something other than
a stressed out freaked out mom. And so
on the rare occasions, they finally kinda went,
what what's what's up with you? What the
hell is wrong with you? I was like,
if that was my silly baby girl side,
I'd go, I'm just happy. I'm just having
a good time.
Time. There's no need to tell them about
the relationship that brought this side out of
me, and now I get to be a
baby girl to my daddy dom who loves
me. Like, they don't need all that. They
just need to know I'm happy. I'm I'm
having a good time.
The
whining, pouting side of me,
they were older before I let them see
that because I was not trying to instill
bad habits in my children
by behaving in ways I didn't want them
to behave.
I
I the first couple times
they saw me
be a baby girl in that way without
knowing it. They don't know who and what
I am in that way.
It was appropriate to the moment, so they
were having the same reaction, and we they
just all thought we were all disappointed together.
And that's kind of the thing. You know,
if part of it is how you behave
as a baby girl
outside of, like, the kink aspect. Right? But
just like your
your behavior and your personality,
I I believe most of the time, if
your kids know because you've told them or
can sense that you're happy and you're you're
just being yourself,
I mean, they might ask snarky questions, but
that's just what teenagers do.
And you are will never be under any
obligation to tell them why you're doing things
differently or behaving differently.
Hell,
Let's say, as a baby girl, maybe there
are things that you like to do that
would come under, air quote, childlike activities, little
activities, things that littles stereotypically
do.
I promise you the I mean, I'm not
one much for coloring, but when I get
the, you know, the desire to do it,
I'll be doing it sitting on the,
couch in the living room. And inwardly, I'm
like, do do do do do. Look at
me. This is great. Mhmm. Outwardly,
I'm just their mom sitting on the couch
coloring. And if one of the kids asked,
what are you doing? I just go, I'm
coloring. They don't need a description of why
I'm doing anything or what the context is.
And most of the time, they don't freaking
care anyway.
The other thing I would say is if
it is
the fact that your teenagers might catch you
doing activities that have meaning to you but
are seem outside of your character,
can your partner run interference? Hey. Leave mom
alone.
She needs some time to do a thing.
Hey. She's she's relaxing right now and she's
unwinding. It's been real stressful. It doesn't have
to even be fucking true,
except we live in this world in the
year of our lord 2026.
What are any of us doing to unwind
and relax. Right? And who cares what that
looks like as long as it's not harming
others? So, you know, part of it as
a parent is thinking in your head, how
will I explain this in ways that are
child appropriate. Right? That do not cross boundaries
that don't need to be crossed.
The other thing
is,
doing things that are subtle. And yes. They
might be out of character and I truly
if your kids have the capacity to understand
and most most children have the capacity at
fairly young ages, simple explanations are fine. I'm
doing this because I'm happy. I'm trying something
new.
You know,
me and your dad, your stepdad. Me and
mister John decided we wanted to do something
different in our relationship and that is has
nothing to do with power exchange, but maybe
it's why you're happy or why why you
call him a new nickname now or
and look. I'm not one who'll usually tell
you to lie to your children, but, hell,
for those of us who raised our children
on Santa, we've been lying since day one.
Right?
And I think it's okay to go,
oh, I call
your dad this nickname because we think it's
funny. That might not be it. That's not
why you're doing it. You're doing it because
you're like, I need to be connected to
my most basic kink self, and this makes
me feel my baby girl self, and I'm
in my headset
mindset, and we can do things. It makes
him feel like the daddy, and that's really
all we
yeah. We know that's the internal
thing going on. The words you say to
your children are, because it's like a per
an inside joke. Yeah. That's not the outside
voice.
You know? I mean, come on. That's the
other thing. I think many of us
overcomplicate
explanations to our kids.
There are so many concepts we've had to
explain to our children over their life that
we've kept simple because they were kids. Right?
And maybe we waited till they were old
enough to ask follow-up questions. You can keep
these things simple
too.
Truly, truly, truly. Mhmm.
But the big thing is, you know, you
talk about growing up religious. You're talking about
the stigma.
That makes me think that you are waiting
for the people around you, especially your children,
to clock the meaning of something even if
your actions
are, you know,
aren't
overt, aren't you know, you're doing things appropriately,
keeping kink away from your kids and behind
closed doors, and the stuff you're doing in
front of them or saying in front of
them has meaning, but they don't know that
meaning. And are you just waiting for them
to go,
I bet this means something, or please tell
me in great detail, mom, what this means.
Right?
That's another thing is you get to practice
having boundaries with your children. There are some
things we just
I told my kids straight up. I was
like, when we were doing the, sex conversations
and the and absolutely the lesson on we
do not kink shame, we're not yucking on
anybody's yum. Right. And I we did an
episode on this, how we explained kink to
kids without ever using the word kink or
BDSM.
I just lost my thought. Uh-oh.
Oh,
no.
Oh, shit.
I was going somewhere with that.
I was going somewhere with that. Oh. About
having talking about boundaries. You. I got there.
So when we're having those conversations and I'm
explaining things to them, they would jokingly
ask personal questions, and I would seriously go,
no. I'm not telling you that.
You're not old enough to know that. That.
That's a thing I don't wanna share with
you. Mhmm. They might push a little bit
because that's how our kids operate. They don't
if they can push, they don't push.
But, you know, once I said, no. I'm
serious. This is my boundary. They backed off.
They left it alone. And that's okay to
say that to your kids. Absolutely. And, you
know, really, in a way, it's kinda good
that they're asking. If they're asking, yes. You
know, if they're if they're asking like that
anything, you know, that's a good thing because
then they're they're, you know, feel safe enough
with you to say anything like that. Mhmm.
Yeah. And that really is a good sign.
Yeah. It it really truly is. It's uncomfortable
as shit. Yeah. But Oh my god. Sitting
around the dining room table, we're eating dinner.
Somebody thinks they're gonna
fluster mom by asking me a question about
sex. And I'm like, honey. I've been writing
about sex for a long time. So and
I then give them the age appropriate response.
They
could not decide if they wanted the earth
to swallow them up or if it was
hilarious.
Usually they went to the this is hilarious
side and they would ask they were trying
to get me uncomfortable, so they were actually
asking deeper questions for that reason. But the
moment I got serious and mom like with
them about my own boundaries or what I
would and would not share with them,
they they were fine. Because thankfully, not gonna
wanna raise some respectful fucking kids who understand
consent.
And assuming that your kids are, you know,
respectful and it's a
happy, loving, mostly great relationship that you have,
you know, you saying, we're not gonna talk
about this. I'm this is not a conversation
I'm having with you. It's not appropriate. They
might not like it, but they'll be okay.
But that's the thing I want you to
clock. Is it the calling your partner daddy
and not wanting your kids to hear? I
think that's fair. There are workarounds. You just
have to be real creative, and you'll have
to train yourself
to use a different word and think of
that different word
in the way that may it's like to
me, it's second best to daddy. Daddy is
for when
I'm crazy comfortable in an adult only setting
and or when we are a 100% by
ourself and Yeah. And all of the, oh,
we have to behave
like, you know, parents right now. All that's
gone and and we're free to be exactly
who we are. All the adulting. Right. So
think about that. Is it the term?
Is it that the only thing y'all have
that y'all have negotiated in your power exchange,
specifically this kind of dynamic but any power
exchange,
is very overtly kinky. Well, now it's time
to think about what can you do
that looks like, and I air quote this
term, I hate this term, normal behavior,
but it's meaningful to you. The kids don't
question when I make JB's coffee every day.
They assume I just make coffee better than
him. They're right,
but they don't they don't ask. The one
time they asked, you know, mom, why are
you doing that for mister John? I said,
because it makes me happy to do it
for him. That is actually a true answer,
has nothing to do with our power exchange.
And they went, oh, okay, and moved on.
Right?
So think about the activities.
And then also think about
are you walking around nervous because you know
what something means and it's that feeling of
everybody knows I'm doing something different and everybody
is gonna wonder why I'm doing most of
the time they're not. Unless it is so
far outside of your personality that everybody's like,
is this a body snatcher situation? What has
happened to you?
You might have to have some conversations, but
keep it to, you know, this is I'm
I'm happy and I do these things because
I'm happy.
Or,
like, in the case of maybe you do
little air quote that little activities that the
stereotypical stuff are not, it's because it makes
you happy. It's because it relaxes you. Right?
How much interference can your partner run when
you're maybe when you're doing those activities? And
it does look weird. Think about those things
and
prep for
the questions your kids might ask. Prep for
them ahead of time,
Basic answers that don't go into detail that
they don't need would be inappropriate for them
to have, whatever.
And I you know, it's it is easier
than most people realize to have a power
change twenty four seven even in front of
other people.
The thing I tell all parents, you have
teenagers, so one, you've already run that gauntlet,
and you know what I'm talking about. But
for other parents out there or soon to
be parents,
your power exchange kink life
is like every other fucking part of your
life once small children come into your life.
All of that slows to a fucking crawl
and you don't get
nearly enough of it that you want.
I I didn't read an actual full length
novel
for ten fucking years after I became a
parent. Who the fuck had time and and
Mhmm. Brainpower for that. Right?
So it sucks, and you'll have to be
creative and you'll have to be really intentional
and mindful about how you get your time
and your power exchange.
But it is you're not failing at power
exchange if the stage that your child is
at
or the needs of your child, because
not every child
is on the air quote typical developmental path.
Some children
need you as their parent and caregiver
their whole life or extra at certain parts
like whatever.
It you know,
you it is not
it's not
weird to not have the time for it,
and it is difficult
to find and make the time.
But it is also normal to be like,
I can't do anything that I like to
do at this stage of life with
this child, whether they're a screaming infant
or they're a pouting, I hate everything eight
year old. Oh, I hated the I hate
eights. That was a those were bad years.
I hate it. I hate it.
I hate this too, child.
Anyway, so those, you know, those different stages
and parts of your life, you have to
negotiate
the raising a child and keeping them alive
and every other part of your life. This
is not any different. You're not failing at
power exchange if the different stages of childhood
get in your way, of parenting get in
your way.
So, yeah, just
keep that in mind. It's tough when you're
a parent and you're trying to do this,
but it is possible. You you have to
be real freaking creative.
Look. We have to be creative as parents.
The
Yeah. The random shit I've said
and done
as a parent.
Things like nobody prepares you. Nobody prepares you
to be like, actually, no. We're not gonna
put every single Hot Wheel you own into
your backpack and schlep that to school today.
That's not what we're doing today. No. We're
not gonna hide our DS under our shirt,
also kind of in our pants, and think
I didn't notice the big rectangular
torso you now have.
Other things that I will not put on
this podcast that
our hilarious parents would get it, but, you
know,
not gonna say that publicly. But y'all know.
Anybody who's a parent, y'all know. Y'all know
the weird shit. Right?
This is just another thing to navigate.
Those moments that will live in infamy. Mhmm.
And as y'all can tell from the length
of this episode, I can wax rhapsodic
about this.
But, yeah, those are the things specific to
caregiver, little dynamic. Yeah. You know, just
go through all those things I've already said
five times. And as a parent of in
any dynamic,
if it's tough and you don't have enough
time for it and you're like,
when do I get to be my best
dumb, sub, switchy self?
That that is the eternal question we're all
asking ourselves as parents,
which all are.
So Yeah. Anything you wanna add? Nope.
So there you go.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to
do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your
support. If you'd like to be part of
our community and get access to extra content
and a Discord server with a group of
super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do
that. Just join us at patreon.com/kaylalords.
That's patreon.com/kaylalords,
or use the link in the show.