You're listening to loving BDSM
podcast episode four seventy one. Kayla Lords here
with the one, the only. I'm so glad
you have patience with me when I drone
on and on and on trying to record
an episode that's supposed to be short, but
somehow is thirty minutes. And now we're late
for our own livestream. John Brownstone.
Yeah.
You know it's a topic I love. It's
for Monday's episode for anybody who is hearing
this,
as it goes live.
Yeah. So,
if you also watch the livestream and now
you're listening to the podcast, that's why we
were late. Anyway, we're gonna try to get
straight to it. This week, I'm hoping at
least one of us will rant because it's
time to respond to the kinky side of
Reddit, and I did pick one of these
one of these, situations.
I picked it because it pissed me the
fuck off. Yep.
So
we'll see.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
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Okay. Before
we get into,
the episode this week's episode,
one announcement. There's probably others I should be
saying. Can't remember them, so we're gonna go
with the one I have written down.
That is we are still in our Patreon
membership drive for 2026.
If you you can join for as little
as $2 a month.
Everybody who joins is a paid member. There's
a free membership thing that Patreon allows that
I didn't sign up for, and you kinda
don't get shit with the free one. You
gotta pay
to get the stuff and you can join
for as little as $2 a month. You
get access to our Discord server. You get,
a behind the scenes podcast episode every month.
We are talking
2025, we started doing this and we're continuing
for 2026. We talk about our relationship, the
state of our power exchange, and things we're
doing to work on our power exchange.
And then every other month we alternate between
a movie night and a game night for
February. It's a game night. We play an
online version of Cards Against Humanity.
So that's what we're doing this month.
If you go for higher tier, you get
more stuff.
The thing with joining during our
membership drive what are words?
Is two things.
One,
everybody who is a member
during the membership drive will get something in
the mail after the membership drive.
So if you're in the 2 and $5
tiers, you will get,
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It will have very specific to loving BDSM
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sticker. I can't believe I haven't made it
yet and offered it up before. I just
do what daddy says sticker. I keep it
kinky. I like
that kind of stuff. Also, I'm gonna put
in a proud cricket sticker so that folks
who wanna put something out where people can
see it,
you're not getting clocked.
But
and then if you are in the $10
tier during our membership drive, you will get,
the sticker pack thing and an enamel pin,
p I n pin. I'm southern. Pin, p
e n, and pin, p I n. I
say it the same because that's how we
do it here.
And so
that's
the main thing for joining during the membership
drive. But if you join as an annual
member where you pay for the year upfront,
you get two months free if you sign
up during a membership drive.
The link is patreon.com/kaylalords
because I started a Patreon before I started
a podcast.
And the link is in the places.
Yeah.
So
what else was I gonna say?
We appreciate all of our kinky
patrons.
There was a time the lights stayed on
because of our Patreon.
We would not probably still be doing this
all these years later without it. No.
So yeah. If you like what we do
and you wanna help us do more of
it, we'd love it if, it's in your
budget to join Patreon.
I am so out of it. I forgot
to click the special button so that our,
YouTube fundraiser shows up.
So
I gotta get better at that shit.
So,
yeah. Now we can go into
the,
Reddit episode.
And what I will do when we get
to the bonus section, hopefully somebody will help
me remember, I'll go off camera
to click the appropriate fucking buttons
because it doesn't do any good to have
a fundraiser if you don't have it out
for folks to see.
Over here on YouTube, we are trying to
fundraise for Campaign for Southern Equality
because that it's an organization that helps the
LGBTQ
plus community in the South, and they were
extremely
pivotal in helping us figure out how to
get medical care for our youngest. So
so so so okay. K.
Trying to get to the first one. Here
we go.
Guiding my dom to be a dom is
exhausting.
Help.
My boyfriend, 24 male, and I, 21 female,
are both equally into BDSM. We're both inexperienced
and each other's firsts.
I love him to bits, but I've realized
that he struggles to truly Dom without me
guiding him. I constantly have to direct him
in bed like what like what to do,
how to do it, what comes next. Sometimes
I'll explain,
to him that I want what I want
before a session, but in the middle, he
still gets a bit lost and asks me
what I want next.
I want to tell him that this can
be a turn off and that it's tiring
to manage him during play, but I don't
want to hurt him. Also, he uses the
exact degradation lines that I've given him ideas
about earlier. He doesn't say anything new slash
creative from his side. So if I tell
him prior to do some foreplay, spank me,
call me a particular title, and have sex,
then he'll do exactly all that in that
very particular order and no creativity from him.
When this happens, I feel far less submissive
and more like the one in charge. I
need help figuring out how to address this.
I don't wanna hurt him either. They did
add an edit apparently as a response to
comments.
No. Being a Dom doesn't work for me.
I don't wanna be a and I don't
wanna be a dom bottom. Like Yeah. They
just wanna be submissive and want their boyfriend
to be the dom. And and, you know,
before we even got to that point, I
kind of felt like roles were a little
switched. Yeah.
So that's it's kinda tough
in one way. I mean, they haven't had
the conversation. They need to have the tough
conversation. Yeah. I there are ways to tell
somebody an important and true thing without Yeah.
Hurting their feelings, but also
you are not responsible
for what they how they feel about a
thing they don't like hearing. Like, you're responsible
for how you present the information. Sure.
But their feelings are their own to manage,
so
have the damn conversation for sure. Definitely have
to have that conversation,
because nothing's gonna change until you do.
Mhmm. You know? Or the possibility of change
at least. Right. So
When you first
real you said, yeah. I'll do the Dom
thing. Mhmm. And it was your first partner
situation. I don't mean necessarily long term, but,
like, you were doing the Dom thing with
another human. Right. How did you
prepare for like,
did you how did you figure out what
you wanted to after the conversation about what
they wanted and the boundaries and the limits,
but you were like,
okay. Now I have to go make this
thing happen.
How did you figure out for yourself
how to make the thing happen?
It was just a process of
mulling it over and and, you know,
deciding what to do.
The
how long had you kind of been exploring
kink, learning about kink?
I know you you started with munches and
being part of the community. How long had
you done all of that prior to your
first, like, scene and instance as a dog?
I would say
probably,
usually a year.
So I I say all of that for
a purpose. Mhmm. This
child
has they're both inexperienced. Has this dog gone
off to learn anything, or is he solely
relying on what his partner tells him?
Right? Because if she is the source of
his education
and the only source, then all he knows
to do is exactly what she told him.
He needs to go off independently
and go, okay. What does it mean to
be a dom? How can I be a
dom? What are the kinks? How do I
do the kinks?
Because the
more you know that information, one, you know
more
or less about is this who I am
and what I want? But two,
now we're learning how do I plan a
scene? What is you know, what what do
other people do for degradation play and this
play and that play? Because
if if he doesn't know anything beyond what
his submissive partner is telling him, he can't
reproduce anything but what his submissive partner reproduces.
Yeah. Now
is, you know, is it a I don't
know where to go situation?
Cool. Cool. Cool. There are resources out there.
Right. It's not really as simple as saying
just Google it because good lord you'll find
porn, and that's not gonna help anybody. But,
you know Or is he just not really
into it? And there is that and that's
really the conversate that's the conversation that needs
to Right. Happen. This this is a partner
needs to go, hey. You are only doing
exactly what I tell you to do and
I'm not feeling
submissive as a result.
And then semicolon,
are you into this? Is this what you
want? And and they
she indicates that he has said, yes. This
is what I want. So then the next
question is, okay. What are you doing to
learn about this without me? Now they can
learn together. Of course. They could go to
workshops or munches, do online stuff together.
But
is he showing enough interest to wanna go
off and
do that work? Mhmm. And what if not,
what? Is it a lack of interest? He's
really not into being a dom. Is it
he doesn't know where to start? Is it
he's afraid and or overwhelmed?
You know what I mean? There's, like, all
kinds of reasons people
don't do the thing they and as as
a lifelong procrastinator, there are many reasons why
I don't do the thing I say I
wanna do. Right? So that's another part of
the conversation. But he's gotta take responsibility for
that at some point to go to decide
for himself what he wants. And if this
is what he wants,
you gotta educate yourself
to find out what it means,
what it looks like to be a dom,
and then you can start kinda going, okay.
Well, how do I wanna do a scene
and incorporate this stuff? Right. And you know,
another thing I was thinking of because, you
know, again, this is something I went through
in the beginning is is her boyfriend feeling
any shame?
Yeah. Over any of this. Yeah. You know,
and that could be a big inhibitor as
well.
Yep.
But again, too, that comes back to the
tough conversation, you know. Right. We find out
what, you know, the only way nobody's a
mind reader. The only way you're gonna find
out is talking.
And and talking is not just a, hey.
Do you still wanna do this? Yeah. And
you're done. It's
it's
a explaining how you feel, explaining what you
see, and asking more than one question. You
know?
Are you uncertain?
Do you know, does this make you feel
weird? You know, you don't you might not
know to go, are you feeling shame? But
you can say, does this make you feel
weird to do this? Are you uncertain?
Are you unsure? What what are what are
your what are his expectations
That's another conversation to have. Yeah. You know,
does he know all I mean, I guess,
like, in a way, he does know hers
because she's she's very clear. And I'm very
proud of her Yes. For being very clear
about what she wants.
Yes. That's a good start. But, yeah, you
know, what what are his expectations in all
this? What does he want to get out
of being a Dom? Right. And, I think
it was Silent said in the the live
chat. It's like, you know, is he really
into it, or did he just say yes
because he's a people pleaser? Mhmm. There are
plenty of partners out there that will say
yes to whatever their partner wants to do
because they wanna make them happy. And that's
great if we're talking about, like, certain physical
acts, maybe. But I think many of us
want our
level. You know? Especially as the submissive. It's
like my whole goal is for you to
take charge and to do the things and
to maybe surprise me just a little bit
within my limits and bounds,
not to take stage direction.
The other thing in the asking in the
middle,
two things. One,
is that his awkward way of checking in.
Right?
Two,
does he frequently have memory
issues and or
focus issues? Not focus maybe at the time,
but, like, when you're trying to talk to
him and you tell him something, does he
forget half of it? A few minutes later,
all the the neurodivergent
folks in listening are going,
does he have ADHD? Not everything is ADHD.
Sometimes an executive function issue is is separate
to something else. There's other issues. Sometimes people
aren't paying fucking attention because they're not paying
attention. But that's another thing to be thinking
about. Because if he's only doing what you
tell him to do and in the middle
is like, oh, shit. I forgot the next
step.
There's you know?
There are I have no doubt.
Doms with executive function issues and or ADHD
and or anything that fucks with their memory
have come up with tools and ways and
means to keep themselves on track. Right?
But that just if that's the case, that
just shows he needs he needs the education
part. He needs to talk to other doms
and see what other people do and learn
and learn and learn and learn Yep. And
learn.
Mhmm. Anything else you wanna add to that
one?
Okay.
Okay. Where'd my mouse go?
Okay. Next one.
This is not the one that pissed that
I picked just because it pissed me off,
but I got some questions.
Okay. Nerves feeling
frayed after extreme
protocol routine. My Dom put me on a
very strictly
defined routine.
One, no alcohol or drugs. Two, no junk
food. None. Three, good sleep hygiene.
Four, working out every single day except the
occasional rest day as
needed. Five,
six to eight hours on my feet every
single day. This was during a time when
he was really busy with work and we
weren't able to communicate much.
Anyway, I kinda went obsessive about it in
his absence. I'd count the time on my
feet down to the second. I stopped hanging
out with my friends. If it interfered with
my routine, he said I'd have to do
this. I did this for a total of
three months. I also started
an isotretinoin
treatment during the second month. It was quite
brutal. Except when sleeping, my legs are in
pain for three months straight.
The objective was to learn resilience.
One month since the routine ended and I
only feel more fragile. My nerves are frayed.
Any critical remarks from him, even when he's
right, and I spiral and start crying incessantly
and start apologizing.
I feel like I need a break. I'm
not feeling like myself. I don't get wet
anymore while watching porn, not even while talking
to him which has never happened. I don't
remember the last time I touched myself. Every
other emotion except anxiety and dread has flattened
out. I didn't do anything that I didn't
agree to. What's happening? Why have I become
like this?
Let us just preface this with we are
not medical professionals or,
psychologists, therapists, or anybody in the mental health
field. So
the actual why
is all speculation and, like,
armchair Yeah. Pop psychology on our part, but
the other part we got opinions. I saw
JB's face.
We got opinions. Go ahead, Jimmy. You know,
I
listening to all this is as you're reading
through it,
and and the first thing that came in
my mind is, like, okay. Maybe
this is not for you.
The the submission or the routine? The the
routine that that she's under, you know.
They, we don't know. They. And, you know,
that's entirely possible. I mean, let's face it,
you know, every you can try things in
lifestyle, not everything you're gonna like. Mhmm. You
know?
So some people like high protocol, some people
don't.
Especially if trying to do said high protocol
sends you into an obsessive
thing where that's all you can focus on.
Right. Like, that's
that's not good. I don't think that ends
well for anybody.
No. But, you know, yeah. I think I'd
have you know, they would might
want to rethink
some of these things.
Yeah.
Anything else you want to add? I don't
want to interrupt you,
any more than I normally do. Okay. Here's
the thing.
So I recognize everybody has different types of
submission, and I know that I am not
built for high protocol because
I would agree to do all kinds of
things
for my dom. But I'm gonna be like,
okay. Why am I doing this? What purpose
does it serve? Not everybody is like that,
and I know there are some power exchange
where they would say that that's not appropriate.
But if we're negotiating
things for me to do, I get to
ask my questions.
And the objective was to learn resilience.
I don't know how that teaches resilience. Yeah.
Resilience is learned in a in a shit
ton of ways. And, yes, it is often
learned through doing going through something difficult and
doing a thing that is challenging
to you, but resilience is also learned through,
like, life fucking with you and making you
live through a challenging time and getting through
it
in some way to get to the other
side of it. So,
you know, did she need to learn
did they need to learn resilience? Let's start
there. But
was there any
deeper explanation
for wild? And that Mhmm. That's just at
the beginning. That I don't think that would
explain
all of what they're going through,
but I do think there
other than the power trip of you do
what I say, you know, blah blah blah.
And, yes, people
do that, and there's fun in that. And
yeah.
But this kind of grueling stuff and saying,
oh, you're probably gonna, like, miss out on
stuff with your friends to do these things.
I told you to. I'm I wanna start
with what is the reason behind it. What
purpose does it serve? Now that's kind of,
like, an aside because here's the thing that
fucking stood out to me. I'm gonna have
you do all of these really fucking hard
things that you've probably never fucking done before,
and he's really busy with work and can't
communicate much.
There is something to be said in power
exchange for
not needing to
constant be in constant constant communication. Mhmm. Some
people's lives just don't allow for it.
It's a good thing to create routines that
you both can, like, are aware of that
can help blah blah. But you are asking
your partner to
to do something that they've never done before,
potentially,
and it is grueling,
and you're not keeping in touch with them
to go, how are you feeling? How is
it going? Checking in to make sure they're
handling it.
Were they able to tell their partner, my
legs are in constant pain? How if they
told them, what was the reaction?
The reaction should have been, oh, maybe we
need to put that on pause because you're
not actually supposed to be in constant pain.
Right?
The I'm I don't like to make blanket
statements, but here's the blanket statement I have
for this.
I read this as this person was traumatized
by their fucking dom. Whether their dom meant
to or not, whether they were being an
asshole or it's just their style of dominance
or not, they were put through a fucking
ringer Yeah. Went through physical pain in the
comments at six to eight hours on my
feet every single day. People had questions in
the comments about what does that mean? Yeah.
They this dom literally wanted them to stand
up, whatever they were doing, be on their
feet for that many hours a day.
Just whatever they just stand. Just stand.
Don't sit.
Wow. Right. Wow. Right. So
Wow.
I I can bet you'd be crying. If
you did not get feedback during this time,
if your partner did not check-in and then
and or if they did, they didn't do
anything about the fact you're saying that you're
in pain. I hope that Mhmm. The submissive
told them I'm in pain. If they didn't,
that's a little bit harder. You've gotta communicate
those things. But if they said I'm in
pain and their dom did fuck all about
it Yeah. To change the plan,
like,
yeah. I'd be crying too because did you
get positive feedback for doing hard things? That
is part of it. Like, you're gonna do
a hard thing because your dom asked you
to, you agreed to it. You gotta hear
from that dom that the doing of the
hard thing is worth it and to make
it worth it in some way. Not everybody
needs the same kind of feedback, but everybody
fucking needs feedback.
I still go back to why why these
things specifically.
My uncharitable
side is like, that sounds like a fucking
power trip.
Because three of those rules
three of those rules, maybe four, the first
four,
yeah, that's all good for you stuff. Right?
Mhmm. Number five, that sounds like a fucking
power trip. I can get this person to
do it because I said to do it,
and they'll do it even when they're in
pain. Because
even if the pain has gone away now,
the
you remember that pain. Your body remembers that
pain. That was a stressor.
Without then the support,
it doesn't sound like, of the person who
asked you to do this for them,
how are you not, like, spiraling and crying?
Yeah. You know?
I don't know how to tell because I'm
not
a professional medical professional or, you know, a,
mental health professional. And I kinda wish I
was to actually give some helpful fucking advice
because what do you do
to
to work through this? I wish I knew.
I would a kink,
aware therapist?
Start there because I
this is a blanket statement. I don't usually
do those, but that sounds like fucking trauma
to me. Not intentional
necessarily,
but
all of that and then he couldn't communicate
much, so you were left to do it
on your own and the only reason you're
doing it is for this person.
Maybe there was something in there about wanting
to prove, you know, to yourself that you
could do these hard things too and that
you were air quote good or real air
big fat fucking air quotes submissive?
Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Like there's all kinds of,
like,
personal,
what are the words?
There's a word I want.
I can't think of the word. Personal reasons
to do things. Right? Personal motivation.
Personal motivations
to do stuff. Right?
But if not if all of that is
incongruent
with the way you're you're being treated and
the connection you have with the person who
has asked you to do this,
that that's a fucking lot. I
you know, is there a part of you
that's angry
that
he this person asked you to do all
of these things and that caused pain and
it stressed you out? I don't like anything
that says, oh, you'll do this thing for
me and yet means you probably won't get
to see your friends. That is one step
away from I control who you get to
see.
Right?
It's it's like right on the border. Right?
Because, yeah, there are times I'm doing something
for my relationship and it means I don't
get to go do something else that's fun.
Right. That's a choice I get to make.
But to set,
an itinerary like this,
of what you're supposed to do nearly or
literally every single day.
And part of that means, yeah, you'll miss
out on doing stuff with your friends. Sucks
to suck.
That's that's just too close to the line
of abuse.
Yeah. No. I don't I don't know how
you
are excited or happy
Yeah. With this purse when you're just even
with this person. You know?
Because
they caused
harm regardless of what their fucking intention was.
Now I can be a bitch and read
into it and go, that sounds like a
fucking power trip to me, but I'm trying
to be respectful of actual high protocol relationships
because
I don't
I don't have experience with them. I don't
know enough about them. I don't want to,
you know, belittle
the thing.
Yeah.
I mean You come on. You know, like
anything else in in lifestyle,
you know, while
high protocol is
a very regimented thing,
it's not meant to cause harm.
No. No. It's fine to be challenging physically
or mentally. There's nothing wrong with something being
challenging, but it should not. Challenging and pushing
boundaries is one thing. Right. Right. I mean,
good God. It let's say this person just
loves junk food, and for a set amount
of time they agreed to no junk food.
That's a challenge on its fucking own, especially
if they happen to live in The US.
We are surrounded by it. It is everywhere.
Can't get away from it all. Can't get
away from it. One of those things would
be a challenge. I I really dislike number
five.
Six to eight hours on my feet every
single day,
regardless of what you're doing, like just and
then they became, like they said, they became
obsessive. They're down to the second, and I
relate to that. If you tell me a
thing I'm supposed to do and there's a
time
limit for it, I get very uncomfortable if
I'm a minute, I stop a minute early.
I think, oh no, I've I've done a
bad, I've not I've not lived up to
the spirit of the thing, like
I just Yeah. I
I don't like anything about this.
I
one through four,
we all need some of that to some
extent.
Five,
to go through the physical pain, to not
have consistent communication,
to not be getting feedback, to not feel
supported.
Like,
subs do difficult things for their doms all
the fucking time. Things that push them. Things
that, you know, make them
uncomfortable in a way that's, like, safe uncomfortable.
Right? Like, not, like,
coercive or nonconsensual, but, like, oh, I've never
done this before. Am I capable of it?
That kind of uncomfortable.
But
how
is it okay to do it without a
supportive dom? In whatever way that looks like
for them.
I don't I don't like it. I don't
like it. It sounds traumatic. And I it
feels like the way they're responding is like
somebody who has faced trauma and is still
dealing with it.
I don't like it.
Throw the whole dom away is all I'm
saying. I don't I don't like it at
all.
Anything you'd like to add? Okay. Let's go
to the next one.
Oh, this is a long one.
Okay. Sub just told me I'm acting like
a sub and she's not into it. I
feel like I'm screwed, but I'm gonna try
and recover. It's been hell
these past few weeks.
I moved my female 33 sub, female 36,
halfway across The USA to move in with
me, had to help pack and load most
of her stuff myself,
drove through a blizzard for thirty six hours
straight, moved her in, started a new school
semester, and put down my cat of twelve
years aggressive cancer,
all within five days.
Add my fifty hour work week into that
and ending things with my other sub in
the days following and I'm a little tired.
We don't have a twenty four hour dynamic
to be clear though I just ask her
if that's what she if that's what she
wants. I think it's because the other day
in the grocery store parking
grocery store parking lot,
it caught up to her and I I
caught up to her. Oh my gosh. I'm
so sorry, y'all.
Part of it's typos. Part of it's my
my me. We don't have a twenty four
hour dynamic to be clear, though I just
asked her if that's what she wants. I
think it's because the other day in the
grocery store parking
lot, I caught up to her and put
my arm through hers playfully.
She pulled away and compared it to a
formal ball and how it felt like she
was leading me. I'm ignorant to things like
that, I admit. She's from a completely different
tax bracket than I am so maybe it's
a cultural or whatever you want to call
it thing. I've also never danced in any
formal way so I'm still a bit confused
on how linking arms is leading anyone, but
she doesn't like it and somehow
that made me come off as submissive.
Then last night after a huge fight with
someone else, I was a bit emotional.
I'm not proud of it but I was.
I haven't had time to recover from anything
and then I had some nasty things at
work.
EMS MCI,
if you know, you know?
And it's burning me out. She then decides
to join me while I'm eating and tell
me I've been acting submissive lately but can't
or just won't elaborate.
She then asks to take it back and
I say no. Something I'm doing is obviously
bothering you. I bring up the grocery store
again and she tries to explain it but
I'm just more confused.
At this point, all I know is it's
bad. Don't do it. She never gave me
an answer as to what I'm doing that's
submissive, which is totally fine because I'm a
switch or something,
but it just doesn't work for her. I
don't even know how I'm acting submissive other
than being a bit emotional because I'm a
bit at the end of my rope and
haven't had a moment to breathe in a
few weeks now. Maybe it's because I'm trying
to make her more comfortable in her new
home on the other side of the country,
and I'm being what I thought was agreeable
to new furniture and ways of running my
house. I don't honestly know, and she won't
tell me what's wrong. I put the Dom's
stuff on hold while we settled in because
it's hard to focus on dynamic stuff with
life moving a million miles a minute, and
she was fine with it. Maybe I paused
too long for her liking. I don't know.
But I'm only human, can't read her mind,
and I'm struggling to keep my head above
water right
now. Oh, this poor thing. Wow. That's a
lot. Yeah. That's a lot. A lot. And
for anybody who does not know, we did
get clarification. EMS
MCI, thank you, live chat, mister Spock,
mass casualty incident. Oh, wow. That's that's a
lot. Yeah. And with everything else she described
in the process of moving
her partner
across the country,
I'm proud of her for putting the dynamic
on hold. That is exactly what we would
recommend to anybody. Mhmm. But let's talk about
the submissive who thinks that the actions that
have been described
coming from her dom are somehow submissive. What
what say you?
You know, honestly, I don't know what to
say about
this one. Okay. I really don't.
It's it's a bit of a roller coaster.
I mean, I know it's tough moving in.
We Right. Did it. We didn't come from
across the country. Right.
But,
you know, yeah. We we did
set our
power exchange on hold. After we figured out
we had to. After we figured out we
had to. We had no choice. This is
amazing. Already freaking figured it out. I'm very
proud of her. Yeah.
But,
you know, we kept in communication
with what was going on. Mhmm. And we
both came to a point where we said,
okay, we're ready. We're both ready to do
this again.
Mhmm. You know, and then we moved forward.
I mean, to me, I don't like the
the part, you know, you can't tell someone,
well, you're acting away. Yeah. What does that
even fucking mean? Yeah. Right. You know, and
then you can't even tell them what it
means. Right. And is it that they cannot
it's a vibe they're getting, or are they
not saying it because they think they're gonna
hurt feelings or whatever whatever?
And you don't know because they are not
telling you. Here was my one of my
takes on it. Mhmm. It sounds
like the submissive in this situation has some
idea of what they think dominance looks like,
and this person is not
playing that part correctly. Playing that role. Right.
So
maybe it's they expected
her to take charge in all things to
tell the sub what to do. And
the dominant partner's like,
I'm trying to get you settled.
My life is insane right now. I'm an
emotional fucking wreck. Like,
this is further proof. Not that we should
need it, but it is yet another example
of doms are humans too, and they need
emotional support just like everybody else does, and
they need the space to to kind of
fall apart a little bit. And quite frankly,
they're being super responsible by not trying to
engage in a power dynamic
when they gotta deal with all of this,
and they they hadn't even recovered from any
of it yet.
But that is how I'm reading it. The
submissive partner thinks has a some partner thinks
has a some
picture in their head of what dominance looks
like, and this partner is not meeting that
threshold. I don't think that's fair. I think
the submissive partner kinda needs to get the
fuck over it.
That's me being, you know,
a bitch about it.
But they also need to, like, use their
big girl words and explain
what they mean. Right. And if you can't
explain it,
this is not always true. But in this
instance, that's a you problem, not your Dom's
problem.
Because if you don't know
and you can't say more than I'm getting
this this vibe from you. Your dom can
do nothing about it. Your dom can't explain
things. They can't change behavior if they choose
to.
You know? I mean there's a lot of
speculation of
did is the submissive now going, oh shit,
I just moved across the country. Is this
really where I wanna be? Are they having
regrets that they don't wanna talk about? Now
they're looking for reasons why the relation that
is pure speculation. None of that's indicated here,
but
I know how to tell myself a fictional
story. So,
you know,
did they have expectations of what would happen
once they were moved in together? And those
things aren't happening, will never happen, just haven't
happened yet.
You know, where's the conversation
about this is what our power exchange will
look like once we're in it?
You know, I think it's fair if the
dominoes isn't even ready to have that conversation.
But is that the conversation the submissive
expected and now they're not getting it?
I do find
so I understood what the submissive was talking
talking about with the way you link arms
with somebody. Mhmm. There is a way that
must there's a way that when I do
the opposite of how I link arms with
you,
when I link my when I link with
you the way you link with me, it
does feel weird because I don't feel like
I'm following. I got I understood, I think,
what the submissive was trying to say. Okay.
But that's a really
weird detail to pin the I think you're
a sub vibe
on a person. I think it is that
this the dom is probably showing their emotions
and being real about their emotions and that
they are not, like, just taking charge of
every single thing and they are not whatever
the submissive thinks dominants are doing. And so
to not do those things, well, you must
be submissive.
No.
No. No. No.
No.
We've said it a million times. I'll say
it a million and one. There are as
many ways to be dominant as there are
dominants in the world.
And
I prefer my dominance
to have, like, you know, an actual human
side
and to, like, have emotional needs and to
be able to kind of go, hey, I
gotta step back because I can't be in
charge of you and have this control while
I got this dumpster fire going on behind
me. It'd be a little boring if everybody
did it the same way. I know.
But
the dominant partner's right. She can't read her
mind. No. So
this missus is gonna have to, like, use
her big girl words and fucking say it
even if it's hard, even if you think
you're gonna hurt somebody's feelings. Yeah. Even if
you think you might be wrong so you
don't wanna actually say it out loud. And
if and I'll I'll be I'll be charitable.
If you can't explain the why,
explain the actions that you're seeing and or
explain the actions you want and are not
getting.
What is it you want your partner to
be doing and that they're not? And so
by them not doing it, you're getting this
submissive vibe.
But you gotta fucking talk about it because
it's all been placed on this Dom's shoulders
at a time
when
I mean,
when it rains, it pours. Right? Like, that's
a that's a lot. That's a lot a
lot. Mhmm. I did
look. Everybody's different,
and there are all kinds of reasons for
this. But I do find
it telling that one of the lines in
this
first paragraph trying to explain is the thing
is,
I had to help pack and load most
of her stuff myself.
Including that detail
makes me think that that was not expected,
and they thought they'd be
helping
Mhmm. Their partner do this, and their partner
would be taking care of things because it's
their shit being packed up and moved. That's
pure speculation, but I find it telling that
in the middle of that first paragraph of
here is how hellacious life is. Right? Mhmm.
They're they're noticing that they just had to
do all of that for this person who
they were moving across the country with them.
I
I it's time to talk about what submission
means to the sub and what they're looking
what they want from their dominant partner and
the dominant partner getting to go, is that
even what I want to give and do,
and can I give it? And, you know,
how are we gonna proceed forward?
I think the dom is doing doing things
right by being like, no no dynamic right
now. Mhmm. But I wouldn't continue with the
dynamic until your submissive could tell you what
the fuck she means. Means.
Right.
Anyway.
Okay.
Next one.
I did this one for you.
You can see from the title.
What are healthy reasons someone wants to be
a dom?
Trigger warning for sexual abuse.
I, 19 female, had been in a relationship
with this guy. He was my first everything
and so he kinda introduced me to the
kink world. Eventually when we moved in, we
had talked about trying more intense sex and
we talked about boundaries and everything and it
was an ongoing conversation.
So things started being more rough and intense
and I really enjoyed it until he told
me that he
he likes having sex with me after an
argument because he wants me to hurt and
he wants to take it out on me.
I immediately told him that's just poorly justified
abuse.
But I'm left wondering, what is a healthy
reason to enjoy being a Dom? I know
that there are healthy reasons, I'm just not
a dom, so I don't know what to
look out for and what reasons are healthy
reasons.
I'm glad she clocked. That response
was not a healthy response. Right.
I'm so glad she clocked that. I'm proud
of her.
I don't think anybody should have to go
around justifying why you're dumb. Why you're a
sub. Yeah. But I I do think it's
a
interesting
conversation
to have. So
I don't think we can really properly talk
about motivations.
Mhmm.
But what is a well, I would rather
and I think somebody in the comments of
the Reddit posted this too. What's a healthy
expression of dominance more than a healthy motivation?
Because motivation is typically
Expression?
Control power of some level in some way.
I mean, to to me Mhmm.
Okay. One of the things of being a
dom
is that you're supposed to be supportive of
them and you're supposed to help them and
and lift them up and
make them push boundaries in healthy ways
to help
them be a better person, be be better
themselves.
Explore their desires Yeah. Step into their So
personhood more fully.
And Which should go the other way. Right.
And it goes vice versa. Right. Right. And
want each of you, you know But you
you as a caregiver, Dom, yeah, you you
like to do the guide and the
the betterment of your partner,
the helping me reach my goals.
But you also want to be a little
bit in charge of that.
Yeah. Just a little bit. Yeah. And so
we say power and control and guidance is
another good,
potential motivation for dominance.
But the healthy expressions
I
I think there might be an overarching one,
and then there's different,
subtleties underneath that, which is,
you want to take that power and control
or that guidance,
without
causing
real damage, real harm, lasting
You
want to use it responsibly.
The I I want to I wanna take
my anger out on you
while being sexual together,
that's like the one of many
massive no no's in dominance. You don't do
shit angry. No.
You can acknowledge that the thing was wrong
and not like it, but while you're in
the middle of anger, you get the fuck
out of there and you don't do the
fucking thing. You know what the thing
Let me see. Let me try to explain
this. Mhmm.
It's kind of like Let's use us, okay?
You would say to me,
excuse me,
fuck me like you hate me, daddy. Oh,
yeah, that's a great time. I like that.
I like that.
Okay.
So, that's something acceptable.
Right. Because I've asked for it. You have.
What what struck me with that was
that I think
some side eye there
was
actually wanted to instigate a fight. So that
they could do the thing. Yeah. That's not
consensual in any way, shape, or form. I'm
so proud of that person for
recognizing what the fuck that really was.
Yeah. You know, I think if if I
was a baby sub, like, this person is
19, you're a baby sub. Okay?
If I was a baby sub like this,
I would be
looking for I would be trying to figure
out for myself what I want from a
dom. Like, how much power, control, and or
guidance? What appeals to me
from a dom?
And
then you're looking for somebody who is respectful,
who is emotionally intelligent and or working on
it,
will can communicate or will attempt to communicate.
You're looking for
somebody who understands both the responsibility
of and privilege
of getting to be somebody's dominant. Yeah. You
know? Those are the things you're looking for.
The the why do you want control? Why
do you want guidance? Well, guess what? Why
do you oh, I'm sorry. Hit the microphone.
The question that could be asked and is
asked of submissives. Well, why do you wanna
submit? What's your motivation for that?
That's as varied as there are people Right.
To a certain extent.
Because it's a different experience
for everyone. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
So, yeah. I think
when you're looking for new doms in the
future,
you're not looking for what their motivations are.
You're looking for
the type of dominant who will likely be
able to give you what you're looking for
as a submissive, and then you're looking at
how
they behave as a human.
Yeah.
And some of those things are skills that
are learned over time. We none of us
pop out of the womb with good communication
skills.
None of us, sadly, pop out of the
womb with emotional intelligence,
The ability to emotionally regulate. The be able
the ability to name emotions. The ability to
recognize that you are feeling them. When we're
talking to cis men, the ability to understand
that, you can have emotions other than anger.
There are more acceptable emotions
than anger. And that anger is an emotion.
Yes. That is correct. Right? Like, the and
the the respect and the humility, and there's
just
that's what you're looking for. Yeah. Because then
you can ask them if you want,
why do you like to be a dom?
Why is this because some people are gonna
go, it's an innate part of me. It's
I like having the control. I like being
in charge. I like the power. It's who
I am. Right.
But,
yeah, that that dude was a sexual predator.
That's that's what that dude original dude was.
Anything else you would like to add? Okay.
I'm not actually
answering the question that is being asked here.
I guess content warning for a lot of
pee and poop talk in this next one.
I have a different take, though, than the
question being asked. So I'm curious if you
have
what your take will be.
Am I overthinking this, or does my girlfriend
have a toilet kink?
Podcast listeners, if you can see JB's face.
Okay.
Me, 26, and my girlfriend, 28, have been
together for seven years
and living together for four. I was always
the more kinky one and even though she's
happy to indulge in my kinks,
she always claimed she has none of her
own. She's also very insecure and shy when
talking about sex. She also said talking or
discussing sex is a turn off for her
because it ruins the surprise factor when she
expects something to happen.
Most of the things we do are done
in the heat of the moment while we
are having sex.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was showering
and she needed to use the bathroom so
she came in. She sat down to pee,
then looked at me and asked if I
would mind or feel grossed out if she
pooped as well.
I told her to do her thing and
that nothing she does could gross me out.
She giggled and then did it while I
was showering. She finished around the time I
got out.
As soon as I got out of the
shower, she approached me and started making out
with me very passionately while clearly horny.
Usually, I'm the one who initiates like that
so it felt a little out of character.
The next morning, I was still half asleep
when she got up and went to the
bathroom. She came back and we cuddled a
bit before starting foreplay and making out. We
took our clothes off and the first thing
she did was ask me to eat her
ass. She never asks for that, especially not
right after using the bathroom. It was in
the heat of the moment so I did,
not really thinking about it till later.
A few days after that, I needed something
from the bathroom. I opened the door without
knowing she was in there sitting on the
toilet. I asked if I could come in
quickly to grab it and she said sure.
But she told me to pinch my nose
because it stinks. As a joke, I took
a deep sniff. I was still far away
so I didn't really smell anything.
She started laughing and asked how I'm not
grossed out and said most men will be
turned off instantly.
I told her she's too attractive for me
to find her gross and left the bathroom.
As I was closing the door, I heard
her say come back in here. I walk
in, she was still on the toilet and
leaned forward with her eyes closed like she
wanted a kiss. I went for the kiss
and she pulled me closer, put my hands
put my hands on her thighs and we
started making out again. That also felt out
of character, but I did not think much
of it at the time.
After that day, she started using toilet humor
a lot more. Almost every day, she mentioned
something about peeing or pooping
on me or in my mouth.
Sometimes it feels like a joke, sometimes it
feels very casual and random.
Recently I was on my laptop in the
living room when she walked in and randomly
asked, would you let me poop in your
mouth?
I was completely caught off guard and was
not sure if it was a genuine question.
I think I replied something like asking if
that's what she wants for real for real?
She started laughing and said I was supposed
to say ew and that's gross.
I told her I was not sure if
she was serious and that I did not
want to kink shame, but that I doubt
I could ever do that. She said she
was just joking and dropped it. Am I
crazy to think she might be hinting at
a toilet related kink or is this just
joking around? I have asked her again if
she has some hidden kinks and she is
quick to say she has none. Am I
reading too much into it? Sorry for the
long post.
Okay.
Your kinks not my kinks, but I know.
When I read this,
my mind did not go to my I
had a completely different take that has nothing
to do with body fluids and toilets.
Okay.
I retin it, and this is me inserting
myself and my and my personal experience with
other people, blah blah blah.
But I took this I was like, I
don't I don't know. It could be a
toilet kink.
Your kinks not my kink, all that good
stuff.
But here's how I read this.
This is a person
who
doesn't like to talk about sex, is very
shy, is very insecure,
and yet
did what some in that position would call
a very daring thing to go to the
bathroom in front of their partner. To do
one. One and two. Okay? Now as somebody
who was raised shy,
maybe less that, but insecure,
did not talk about sex, couldn't didn't know
where to start,
some of that
in your upbringing for some of us comes
with a lot of shame about body and
body functions because sex
is a function that a body is typically
capable. Right?
And so the way my brain read this
is she did the daring thing, air quote
that,
of
taking a shit in front of her partner,
and it worked out well.
Mhmm. And so now there's this little bit
of confidence
that she did this thing that
I mean, for Mhmm. Even if you're not
kinky, can be considered taboo to take a
shit in front of somebody else.
And he didn't reject her. Mhmm. And he
indulges her. So, yeah, I'll kiss you while
you're sitting on the toilet. I'll make out
with you here. I'll tease you and joke
with you about this.
Now I'm not saying she doesn't still maybe
have a kink about it. Right. I'm not
saying that because to ask could I poop
in your mouth, that was either a very
intrusive thought
or
something else.
Yeah.
But the the fact that you could be
that shy and insecure and not wanna talk
about sex and that ruins the surprise, I
recognize myself in that statement.
I a 100%
thought the same things at a time in
my life where I didn't know what I
wanted sexually, would have told you I didn't
have any kinks, didn't know how to talk
about any of it, and do not come
in and walk in on me in the
bathroom ever, ever, ever.
Look. We do
we pee in front of one another.
Full disclosure, we do not take shits in
front. That's the last frontier, and it's like,
look. Look. I've given up a lot of
privacy in my life, especially as a a
parent.
That is when I want privacy.
But
I can say this because I'm ridiculous and
I put too much information on the Internet.
In my
prior relationships
Mhmm.
I I was not plucking a chin hair
in front of that person. I did not
have a body that did weird body things
that another person was allowed to see. And
some of that is about
insecurities
and not being able to talk about that
stuff. I am projecting a shit ton. I
understand this, But that is how where my
brain went.
Did she find comfort in doing this taboo
thing, air quote that, in the bathroom, and
she got love and acceptance for it. Mhmm.
And so now we've got a positive association
with doing the scary thing. It hasn't moved
out to sex yet. Yeah.
Other than the, you know, eat my ass
part. Right? Right?
I'm I'm very grateful that we did not
get commentary on what it's like to eat
ass after somebody's gone to the bathroom.
I got enough of imagination. Thanks. Yeah. But
that's that's what I what struck me. That's
where my mind went.
Okay.
I'm just
Yeah. I mean, it you know, it's
definitely a kink. I I I mean, yeah.
I
I know it's a kink other people have.
Yeah. It's likely a kink she has, but
I just I I'm just thinking of it
from that very beginning of she doesn't talk
about sex. Mhmm. Insecure,
shy,
that that wants to be surprised. I just
yeah.
Not all people who who would have that
similar thing, but I think
many maybe? Some definitely.
You're not gonna see me in the bathroom.
I you don't listen to it. Don't be
near it. I can't admit that my body
does a thing that every body does. You
know what I mean? Like, there's
when there is
learned or
what I don't know another way you would
do is a learned shame about sex
and anything and anything related to your body
and body functions,
I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I think
she realized she could be accepted and do
this very taboo thing. Maybe. Maybe. And the
acceptance and the acceptance and the fact that
he's like, there's nothing you could do. Because
here's the thing. You tell me there's nothing
you could do that gross me out. You're
I I like you too much. You're too
attractive.
I I accept you completely as you are.
I'm sorry. I get horny from that shit.
Full fucking acceptance
even at, like, what
some people might go my grossest point.
Yeah. Yeah. I just I don't know. I'm
projecting, but I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
But also, yeah, probably a kink, but I
just
okay.
I am I apologize for all the poop
talk
in this episode. Okay.
Here's the one that I just I read
it and I was like, ugh. So,
is this normal dom behavior or am I
expecting too much?
I, female 21, have been in a DS
relationship for three years now and I've done
absolutely everything I can to be the sub
he, male 29,
wants, even doing things that were extremely painful
that I didn't really want to do. I'm
very attached to him and it hurts because
I really don't think my feelings are reciprocated.
Our last scene was pretty rough and afterwards
he just sat on the opposite end of
the couch. We talked for maybe five minutes
before he decided to take a call with
his friend that lasted thirty minutes while he
drank and smoked without offering me anything all
while knowing how much I love Intox Play.
It's not the first time he's done something
like that, but what honestly hurts the most
is him just leaving me in bed while
I can't move to go eat without me
and not even offering me a sip of
water. I literally had to ask him multiple
times before he bought me some. As I'm
typing this out, I'm realizing it's very pathetic
that I'm still as attached to him as
I am, but I'm also scared to leave
because I don't think I would be able
to find a Dom at all, especially not
a daddy Dom, which is what I would
prefer anyway.
The situation is not funny, but your expression,
this is the expression I I was expecting
and I was hoping for.
Kick kick his ass to the curb. Throw
the whole Dom away. Yeah.
No. That's not normal Dombey. It's not responsible
Dombey.
No.
Are there people who label themselves Domino's who
do shit like this? Way too fucking many.
Yeah. You are not expecting too much. You
will find another Dom. Absolutely. It takes a
while to find the right person for you.
Always, always kick this motherfucker to the curb.
Let's point out, they've been together three years.
She was 18.
He was 26.
Now that's not a massive age gap. Mhmm.
Some people would be like,
okay.
But
but
there's something in that. You're we're in your
mid twenties, and you can't even think to
ask
the person you're with if they'd like a
sip of fucking water? Can I get you
something to eat? I would actually expect that
behavior from a fellow 18 to 21 year
old, quite frankly.
I'm just Yeah. I know. The the
yeah. I'm not gonna give side eye to
an 18 and then probably up to a
21 year old doing power exchange. That's a
similar enough age range, but think of 18.
18 is I just graduated high school. Mhmm.
26 is if assuming I went to college,
I've been out of college for a couple
years potentially. I probably have a big boy
job.
Why is an 18 year old submissive?
Now let me say a thing I have
said many times, and I know it annoys
the shit out of some people. Once you
are a legal adult, you get to make
legal adult decisions even if I or anybody
else in the world does not think that's
a great decision. Mhmm.
So
it's not
nope. I wouldn't if if, either of the
kids at 18 were like, look at my
26 year old. Here's the thing. Here's why
I say that. I was 19. He was
27. I married him, and I divorced his
fucking ass.
Not because of behavior exactly like that, but
that kind of attitude. Yeah. Okay. That kind
of attitude
where
I I'm supposed to care about you. I'm
supposed to do stuff for you. Everything revolved.
I was supposed to think about you. Yeah.
Yeah. So I'm not saying you can't be
18, the person beats 20. I'm not saying
that. Right. I'm not saying that. But if
I'd I give a little bit more side
eye and power exchange to an age discrepancy
when one of the partners is literally barely
legal.
Because
even if they've lived a hard life and
learned some hard life lessons and had to
mature way too fucking fast,
as it happens to a lot kids, that's
still too fucking young, in my personal opinion,
for a several years older person to go,
I'll dom you. Mhmm. Because here they are
now going, I'll never find another dom. Yeah.
Who put that thought in their head? Did
they come up with that? Yeah. Or have
they been sold a load of bullshit? Right?
I you know, am I am I am
I do I want too much
for him to be nice to you?
For For him to think of you as
a human and go, would you like to
eat something? Can I can I get you
some water?
Yeah. I'm I mean, I'm sorry that, you
know, he's he's not
Throw the whole fucking Dom away. Yeah.
Yeah. Is the
is this normal dom behavior? Here's the thing.
It's normal
fake ass, shit ass, abusive ass dom behavior.
Yeah. This is a lot how like how
they
Mhmm. They behave.
Yeah.
If it's the dom that needs to
be thrown away
in the dumpster,
yeah, that's normal, but that's not right. None
of that's right. No. And
please expect too much. Please have fucking high
expectations. Not everybody will meet your high expectations,
but somebody will.
And, ideally, now we've got a situation where
it's a partnership
and everybody's getting their needs fucking met.
And not being left in a situation where
it sounds like subspace so out of it,
they can't move. Right. And that motherfucker leaves
to go get food. Yeah. And then doesn't
bring any back. The cardinal fucking sick That's
wild. Of the whole goddamn
thing. Yeah.
I wouldn't like
it from a a person if if even
if they were 21, I'd go, who raised
you? Jesus Christ.
But
you're a you're like an adult adult. You
can get car insurance and you could rent
a car now. You're an adult adult. You
can't be a mom and dad. Now.
You're
an adult adult. You can't be on mom
and dad's insurance
name. Adult adult at mid twenties.
What the actual fuck? I know.
How much advantage have you taken of this
very young person who might not have quite
enough lived experience to, like, be asking questions?
And that's what Tayshoo said in the live
chat.
You know, yeah. The age gap really isn't
that much, but the experience gap. Yep. Yep.
Yeah. Is massive. And, as somebody who has
a child who will turn 18
as they start their senior year of high
school, the number don't mean shit.
Legally, yes, it does. Mhmm. And I'd still
say adult, legal adults get to make legal
adult decisions.
But this is one of those where, um-mm,
um-mm, I it just feels like that lack
of experience was taken advantage of by somebody
who wants the fun, air quote, fun of
being a dog. Not the responsibility.
None of the fucking responsibility.
Yep. Can't even get her some fucking feet
in a glass of water. Hard water.
Oh my god. Oh my and how long
has she been putting up with it? Yeah.
How long has this been going on? Was
there the honeymoon period in the beginning where
it was all great and then it tapered
off? Tapered off, ma'am. Or is this how
it's been the whole time? And then I
am so
sad for her. This is what it's been
the whole fucking time. The whole time. The
whole time.
I hope not. I hope I hope it
was at least
good at some point so she knows what
the hell good feels like.
Look. At 16, I'm at a 21 year
old.
And at the time I thought my parents
just don't get me and they never want
me to be happy, but my father ran
that 21 year old off.
I get it.
I support it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah. It's
not it's the age. It's just the the
thing you see. It's the experience gap, because
all I could think is eight 18?
And look,
I've we were there the day a person
had just turned 18 and walked into their
first month. Like, yeah. I've been learning about
this, but, you know, I know it wasn't
supposed to because yeah. Yeah. We get that.
We get that people under the legal age
of consent
or just the legal age to, like, vote
or anything
make They they go and they learn about
things and they do shit with people who
are probably also underage with them.
And as as a parent, I'm gonna be
like, I don't approve. There's some danger there.
There's some risk there. What are we doing?
But
even at 18, there's there's just a life
experience to not have yet, let alone the
kink experience. I just
Throw the whole motherfucker away. Yep.
Okay. That was the last one. K.
Those weren't longer than I thought they would.
Mhmm.
I
I think this might be
the first loving BDSM podcast episode
where I not only said poop once, I
certainly said it more times than I've ever.
That's not a thing I talk about. It
is my last frontier of privacy.
I didn't like it when I don't like
it when the cat looks at me and
is there. I'm like, Onyx, do you have
something else to do?
Anyway
So,
are we good?
I don't know. That's not for me to
say.
Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you
next week.
Yes, baby girl.
Can I talk to the crickets? Yeah. What
was I gonna bitch about? I said, I'll
bitch about this and the one and I
don't remember what it was. I don't remember.
I I said a keyword. Does anybody remember?
Somebody in the live chat.
Probably silent who's got a really good memory.
I will be right back. Okay. You're gonna
go check on your dog who was howling
while I was reading the the poop one?
Now that I've look. I've broken my own
personal taboo. Now that I've said it once
slash a dozen times, I guess I can
keep saying it.
You know how there's some words that some
people just really don't like to say, to
hear, to read?
I'm so sorry for anybody who doesn't like
this word, but the common one is moist.
Moist isn't my favorite, but I don't have
like an ick thing.
The word?
There's a reason I say shit
instead
of poop because I don't like that word.
I don't like that word at all.
Donation button. Well, thank you Silent.
I have to wait for him get back
on camera so I can go off camera
or all you're gonna do is look at
our mics and our arrow formation that once
I found out somebody saw that in, one
of the virtual summits we participated in. I
can't unsee it.
There's
podcast listeners, you'd have to come to the
video,
but in between
on the wall and our mics, there's a
position in our background.
I can say working in the shop. Holy
shit. I haven't been working working in the
shop.
I
that was actually what I did for my
full workday on Monday was work in the
shop. I had we have a brand new
product that has one last finishing touch to
go on it and I can release it.
It is my favorite new toy.
I was finishing
my part of that. I was drilling
holes in things so that JB can turn
evil stick handles and diabolical stick handles.
I was getting d twenties ready for to
go with those diabolical stick handles once they're
turned.
Did something else. I glued up some knives.
I did the I was covered in wood
glue by the time we got done.
So
Yeah. I,
it was a long day. And then once
I came inside,
I still had to do I had to
do both like
work stuff, admin stuff at my desk, and
then I also had to do mom
stuff at my desk, helping both kids with
money stuff and sign up stuff and scholarship
stuff and do this before this date stuff.
And it was like,
oh my god.
So yeah. Yesterday was a long day. And
then today I was out in the shop
working again on the d20s.
I always have respect for other makers because
just knowing what it takes to make the
stuff we make, I just I have a
lot of of respect for people who make
shit by hand.
I have so much
respect for people who make dice sets.
All we're doing right now is d twenties
and these fuckers
kick my ass. It's not the pouring of
the resin. That's easy. That's we got a
pressure pot. Done.
It's the
flooding the numbers so they're visible and the
finishing and the making sure oh my god.
I'm tired.
So
Andre says I'm still not seeing the donation
button. That's because I have not gone off
screen to go off camera, I mean, to
go push a button.
Now that you're back Yeah. I told them
about my boring but tiring day in the
shop yesterday. I'm gonna go off camera to
push some buttons. That's right. You need to
go push the button. Silent reminder me. Thank
you, Scott. Okay.
You got the hiccups. Yep.
So anyway,
Lola was fine.
Actually, I think she was, there was
a delivery made while we were
sitting back here. Oh, cool. I think I
know what that delivery is. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
So,
yeah.
But,
yeah. No. I'm I'm real me, I'm real
happy with this,
with the new machine here
with the computer.
It,
definitely bigger hard bigger hard drive,
more memory, bigger graphics card.
So,
yeah. Looking
looking forward to it and it's been it's
been really nice. Very happy.
So
oh, hang on. I can't see anything.
Where's the
that's what I need. Okay. I added the
donation button.
I clicked the button. Mhmm. For anybody who's
watching the livestream
to be able to see the donation button
on YouTube, you might have to refresh. Silent
says she can see it. Cool. But if
you don't see it, you might have to
refresh. I also put it on our last
video for Monday.
I checked, when I was pushing buttons off
camera. We our goal is $250.
Mhmm. We've already raised a $171.
Nice. Thank y'all to everybody who's donated.
Nice.
Yeah.
We're supposed to have a Valentine's Day sale
soon. We've already talked about it.
We're gonna donate
some amount, I don't know yet, we haven't
discussed that part, of the total sales, not
the profit, the total revenue from the sale,
some percentage of that to campaign for Southern
Equality as well. That's like our chair our
our organization of choice for fundraising.
When we did it for
point was it's Point of Pride Yeah. Is
the organization there. They
give grants to trans people for different parts
of their transition,
surgical,
medical,
and social,
transition.
We did that with a sale last year.
Was it was it during pride?
Yes. And we ended up with the sales
that we had come in. It was, like,
a few days sale. It wasn't terribly long.
Like, $300.
Yeah. So that was cool.
Yep.
And we can't do that without people wanting
to buy our shit. So True. And we've
the economy being what it is, we really
need people to buy our shit.
I mean, I'm sitting here .com. I'm I'm
sitting here and I'm looking at what's on
your desk, and I'm thinking, my god. That
wood looks beautiful.
Oh, you've been called to tease by the
live chat. I'm sorry, podcast listeners. We're always
teasing you by talking about visual things that
you cannot see because you're only listening.
So
but JB is now going to show off
my new favorite toy. It has a name.
We've already named it. I named it before
JB ever even made them.
Because this has been, what, a two year
long project? Kind of. Not that it took
two years to make them. It took two
years to get to the point where we
were like, yeah. Let's do this. And by
we, I mean JP, but that's okay. I'm
supportive. It's it's we. But I've been
cheerleading these this fucking toy You have been.
Since then. Been on the fence. Yep.
But you're not anymore. No. It's called a
Thumper. Yep.
It is a thuddy toy. It is a
quiet toy. Toy.
I'm gonna create a section on the Kinkery's
website about which toys are quiet because that
is such an issue.
I don't know how to describe it. It's
baton like, I will say.
There's
why is the word not for kink reasons.
Why is the word beater coming to me
as a as a noun, not an adjective,
not an action?
Yes. It's a beater.
Oh my gosh. Oh, you mean, like, for
doing the rugs?
Is that what you meant? No. No. Not
me. I don't wanna say who I was
thinking of because it is from She Who
Will Not Be Named because she's a rabid
transphobe.
But
that Oh, okay. That game
in the air on brooms that they just
Yeah. Yeah. Allowed an 11 year old to
get up there and, you know,
be the best
whatever in a generation or some bullshit. You're
you're pointed at that. You're not pointed at
any of my childhood shit. So I know.
It's not even my childhood shit. It's the
kids' childhood
shit. I
know.
I was reading one of the books while
I was actively in labor with a 20
year old. Did I know I was actively
in labor? No. Had no fucking
clue. So naive. But anyway yeah. It's called
the Thumper. Mhmm.
And,
did JB find a way to make it
stingy?
Yeah. Of course he fucking did. But if
you use it like you would immediately imagine
you'd use it, it's a very thuddy toy.
It is my favorite now Yeah. Of all
I'm well, I we've got some I really
fucking love. That this one's my new favorite.
Yeah. This one's moved right to the top
of your list. Mhmm.
For podcast listeners, it's cylindrical.
Mhmm. It's about what? 12 inches Yeah. Approximately?
Mhmm. The handle is about five inches of
it. It's slightly indented, but still cylindrical. And
then the part that is the
I can't call I I'm gonna say paddle
area, but it's not flat. It's round.
That's about seven inches long. It's what's the
diameter of that?
Two inches?
Maybe. An inch and a half?
So
silence says it looks like a pestle. Pest
pestle? Pestle? Pestle. Pestle. Mhmm. It does. A
giant one.
It feels
really fucking good. I know. You'd love the
stupid thing. I love this thing.
When I pick it up at night, you
just you're just like
I know. I'm like, okay. Until you figured
out how to hit it and make it
sting. That I didn't I didn't love that.
Which here's this is
anybody who, like, makes shit and then sells
it probably has this experience.
I fucking love this thing so nobody else
is gonna like it. It will not become
a bestseller.
When I fucking love it and I think,
oh, this is brilliant.
Nope.
When I'm like,
I wouldn't use that, that's what flies off
the damn show.
So yeah.
We gotta finish up at the at the
bottom at the very base.
Jibby's gotta put the these little eye hooks
in so we can put a cord on
it so you can dangle it. In case
you asked when it's available.
Soon ish.
It's all in her hands now. You gotta
do this part.
Well, yeah. There's a little part you gotta
do. I know and I overthink when to
release stuff and when to do sales because
I'm not gonna have a Valentine's Day sale
on Valentine's Day. That doesn't help anybody who
needs their shit shipped,
But I'm also not gonna do a Valentine's
Day sale,
when we're not as, stocked as we could
be. We're supposed to be doing a drop
of Diabolical Sticks on February 6. That's this
coming Friday. For podcast listeners, it's the day
this episode goes live. It will be a
smaller drop than we originally planned, but we
have another one already planned for March that
will hopefully be bigger, will be in our
routine by then.
So I'm thinking the sale might start on
February 6
and then run for several days into the
week. I don't know.
So yeah. There's a little bit of excitement
in the Yeah.
Well, could it be that I'm just, like,
swaying in this thing around? Somebody said it
looks like a club. Yes. Yes. It definitely
does.
Yeah. It is it is quiet.
We get that question online a lot about
toys. Do you have a quiet one? Quiet.
Yeah. And we do, but, typically,
the quietest toys
toys are the ones that hurt the most.
And so I have to tell people, oh,
nobody's gonna hear you hit them with that
cane, but then But they're gonna hear you
yell. They're gonna hear the yell.
But this one is this one is very
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Because even if he, like, goes like
Louisville Slugger
on it,
it's it's not it doesn't have the same
crack that a flat paddle would. Mhmm. Especially
when someone asked if we could do a
demo next Friday at the Hangout. Well, we
had talked about doing,
a demos for dollars or dollars for demos,
demos for whatever. I don't remember even what
we call it, but it going to
people not doing it, paying giving us the
money, them donating to our the charity. Oh,
that'd be cool. I know. Yeah. So not
super chats, but donate a dollar, $5, whatever
you got. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Hopefully,
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We could show off
the diabolical sticks. Mhmm. You we got a
shit ton of Rough Riders back in stock.
Holy Terrors are back in stock. Mhmm. Mhmm.
I've got some pounders on the shelf.
Andre donated to the to our fundraiser.
Oh, thank you. For their quality.
And,
yeah. I've got pounders.
Coming? Coming on they're on the they're on
the shelf and
knives.
Oh, I he gave me permission to just
glue up knives Yeah.
As I could and did. I went, oh,
don't you worry.
Demos for donations. Yes. That's good.
So,
yeah.
New Jersey. You you yeah. You loaded me
up with knives and,
I started making some different knives Yeah. In
there too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We've been taking custom orders. Yeah. You're finishing
up a custom knife order Mhmm. That
the the person sent lots of information about,
like, this is what I want it to
look like, but just wood, and it still
got a
a point
a tip that is so sharp. I'm nervous.
Like, I think it could break skin
with more force than you need for, like,
a regular knife. But
yeah.
Yeah. And then, if you follow the shop,
thekinkery.com.
If you follow the shop on Instagram, we
just posted,
a reel of one of the custom extra
long canes. Cane. That shit's scary. It's quarter
inch delrin. Now quarter inch delrin's really thin,
so even at the standard length we do,
which It's whippy. It's very whippy.
It's very stingy. I don't like it at
all,
which is why everybody fucking loves it because
I it's a toy I would never. Anyway,
we had somebody who late last year requested
a delrin cane in quarter inch, but an
extra foot longer. So it's this long ass
piece of Delrin Yeah. With a resin handle,
and JB starts and you can hear the
swoosh of the air. Yep. Oh my god.
Oh my god. But there is a there
is a reel on our Instagram. Yeah. We
don't,
we don't put those reels on Facebook.
We do have a kinkery Facebook page,
because even though it's all meta,
Instagram
seems to be better at if you block
somebody,
they're not they're still not gonna be, like,
fed up to you. Your picture's not gonna
show up in their feed. Facebook's not like
that. You can block people left, right, and
fucking center, and they'll still be recommended you.
Yeah. You'll they'll still see something with your
and we're like, I don't we don't wanna
put our face on Facebook.
Pardon the button, I guess.
So we do it on Instagram. Yeah.
Silent asked how we ship a cane that
long. I have to do a special tube
and they have to if somebody orders that
custom cane, they have to pay an oversized
shipping cost.
I have not tried shipping it, internationally yet.
This is only the second the extra long
cane is only the second one we've made.
I don't know what that shipping would be,
but I do believe it would be very
expensive.
So, yeah, we have to get a special
container. If Mhmm. We have
flirted with the idea if that if people
if we get it what are words? Goddamn.
If enough people request the extra long cane,
we might make it a regular item,
and then I would have to buy in
bulk the boxes for that. Yeah.
So
Yes.
Yeah. I had to before I could tell
somebody,
when they asked for an extra long cane,
before I could even tell them if we
could make it, I had to figure out
how I'd ship it.
So Yeah.
Yeah. And so I'm adding one of the
canes studded, not stingy. Yeah. The three eights
is,
it's thicker and,
it's more thud
than a quarter inch. You know, nobody's asked
for it and I have not been brave
enough to ask you because I don't want
you to get any ideas, but I guess
I will now.
YouTube folks are watching me roll this thumper
on my cheeks. My cheeks are so fucking
hot.
And the wood is very smooth and cold.
If somebody did an extra long three eighths
delrin Mhmm. That is not whippy at all.
There's very little bend to it. At that
at a longer length, would it be bendier?
Would it whip? There would there would be
some. Uh-huh. Not as much as the quarter
inch. No. The quarter inch. That thing's just
scary. That thing's fucking scary.
So yeah.
Yeah. We got a lot going on. Mhmm.
Well, it feels I had to I did
have to take a social a bit of
a social media,
current event social media break,
because I was making myself crazy.
I do take my own advice on that.
So I've been watching, like, Bridgerton,
clips.
We have not started watching Bridgerton. I would
like to wait until the February when all
the episodes are out. Thank you very much.
Doing the same with The Pit. I've been
watching clips on Instagram of from The Pit.
I we're talking about waiting until that's all
the way out. That's a longer wait because
that's 15 episodes. I know.
I do don't mind spoilers.
I actually kinda like knowing what's gonna happen,
then I have less anxiety when I'm watching
high tension moments, high drama moments.
So
just whatever.
Yeah. Lola has thoughts. I you might hear
her in the background.
In case you asked if it would hurt
the wood if it froze it.
It shouldn't.
Okay. It shouldn't,
other than making it cold, give you some,
you know, little temperature play there, action with
it. But,
no. It should not. It shouldn't hurt the
wood. It's one of those things that if
you just stick it in and it's fully
dry and you put in the freezer, you're
fine. If if it was wet and you
froze it that way Wet would yeah. That
would be a problem.
So
Silent says we're watching the pit week by
week and the way they end each episode
is cruel. That's why I'm not doing it.
It's the same reason I will not read
a book series until if I can help
it, until all the books are out. Because
I nope. Nope. If I have to have
a cliffhanger, I need to be able to
find out what happened next
immediately.
I finished a book last night while we
were laying in bed.
I had
a crazy cliffhanger. I immediately went in and
got book two
and
read at least the first chapter to figure
out how we got out of that situation.
So
JB is playing with Lola behind the camera.
If the camera starts tipping,
blame him.
Lola is a dog. She can't be blamed
for tipping the the tripod.
So What?
I mean, she's a smart girl, but
she does not know what recording equipment is
nor does she give a fuck. So there's
that. That is true.
So,
Eva asked, what's the pit on HBO Max
or HBO? Are they back to calling themselves
HBO again?
Who the hell knows? They go back and
forth so many times. That one.
Last Week with John Oliver comes back on
February 15.
Very excited. We do not watch it on
the days it comes out because they put
that show out at, like, 11:00 at
night. I'm not stand I'm not watching it.
I love John Oliver. I think he's
brilliant and funny. I'm not watching him at
11:00 at night on a Sunday.
We watch it on a Monday.
Yeah.
Yeah. Like responsible adults. Mhmm.
What else?
Not,
not a whole lot going on. For anybody
who can hear because I just I I
guess I just started Yeah. Stimming.
Who can hear this tap tap tap, that
is the thumper on my thigh.
If you can even hear it, that's how
quiet it is.
And oh oh, I might have given my
I was
had a little force going there.
A self beating masochist.
I mean, if the toy is good enough,
if the toy is good enough.
So
So,
I would apologize for the chaos of the
day, but I am trying to embrace reality.
Yeah.
Yeah. Embrace what is instead of what I
wish it could be. You know, folks, I
I I mentioned this to Caleb today.
I was so proud of myself
going into the end of the year through
the through third quarter, you know, from September
into all that.
And,
I I worked. I kept my shop clean.
I kept it neat. You did?
That's gone. Yeah. Yeah. It's chaos in there.
Yeah. It My desk is chaotic.
The ship almost threw the thumper. Goddamn.
The shipping station is chaotic. It's all chaos
all the time. Yeah. It's
even You would think we were in the
Christmas season. That's how bad it is in
here.
Andre asked about your wrist.
Yes. Kayla does need a a fidget toy.
Silent. That is true.
My wrist.
Yeah. You're not wearing your brace today. No.
I'm not. Is it because the brace just
doesn't do anything anymore? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
For now, everything's up.
What the, doctor told me after all the,
x rays and MRI,
you have severe arthritis in that thumb. Osteoarthritis.
Yep.
So
it's it's gonna be one of those things
that sometimes it hurts really, really bad,
and other times it's okay.
Well, our we're mission right now is to
find a hand surgeon. Yeah. The hand surgeon,
we have locally that, the Ortho likes
is retiring. Yeah. So it looks like we're
gonna go out of town. I've I pulled
them up. Y'all don't wanna know how many
tabs are open also on my phone
on the browser, but,
I have that preliminarily
pulled up with, oh, these people might be
good. I need to go sit at the
big screen
to actually
like, then I send JB links. And then
when he doesn't reply to my email or
acknowledge he got the email, forty eight hours
later, I'll be like, did you get my
email? Oh, yeah. I got it. Okay.
Cool. So what did what did they say?
The
first metacarpal joint, I believe it was,
has no space left in between it anymore.
Yeah. It's severe enough. She immediately went, oh,
you're a candidate for hand surgery. Yeah.
What she said was get somebody who specializes
in hand surgeries, not somebody who does hands
and other work.
Yeah. No. Just hands. Hand surgeon. Mhmm. They
have them. They have them. They have them.
Except the best one in the area is
retiring. Well Apparently. Everybody deserves rest at some
point. I know. I'm just
So
yeah.
And we're, waiting for that sweet, sweet,
government health care known as Medicare to kick
in Yeah. Before
if we can. If we can. If it's
fair enough, we whatever. But yeah. There's well,
you know yeah. Because just considering what our
insurance has made us pay for the diagnostic
stuff for you lately, I don't wanna know
what they make us pay for surgery.
I don't wanna know.
Maybe if I threaten
somebody with
the thumper, they'll be like, oh. Oh, god.
I was waving the thumper around. I was
waggling it around. I'm sorry, podcast listeners. You
cannot see what I'm doing. And I immediately
thought of the meme
of the little girl. She's wearing, like, a
purple and pink shirt. She's got like a,
an angry look on her face. Her, like,
lips all curled up. She's mad, and she's
like waving something in her hand, and I
can't
the first time I did it at JB,
I was like, I think I'm that meme.
Look.
Meme images of
little girls looking annoyed, disgruntled, or like you're
the biggest dumbass,
that was me growing up. That's why I
got in trouble all the time.
So
Right? I was saying I thought that too.
Silent. Silent. Since that thing kinda makes me
wanna bake, I bet it's a great rolling
pin.
And that's for anybody who needs the trying
to get the visual. Yeah. It's got rolling
pin vibes. Mhmm. So
we had to stop at some point, don't
we? We know. I mean, I kinda like
just hanging out, which is why we do
it once a week. Cool hanging out, but
Logan's not happy about it.
She's gonna wanna eat dinner. Ella too. Still
have, like, another twenty minutes. Not that I'm
saying we should stay for another twenty minutes.
I'm just saying they're not starving.
They're not.
So No. They're not starving. They're fine.
And you do her eye drops too. That's
that's different. That's, you know, you clocking in
for your full time taking care of Lola
drops. Yeah. Alright.
Well, hopefully, when we take her back to
the eye doctor next Monday
Won't have to do the The one drop.
Yeah. Yeah.
So fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.
Oh. Mhmm.
Alright.
Okay. I think we can say our goodbyes.
I like hanging out. I know.
I know.
Anyway, we're gonna go. Yep. Thanks for being
here. Thanks for listening, watching, especially to the
bitter end when it gets even weirder.
Yes. I I could use a fidget of
some sort.
There's a reason
Nobody ever really liked it when I would
sit at, like, the boardroom chairs,
in meetings when I had a big girl
job because was I swiveling the whole fucking
time? Yes. Apparently, I was.
So I'm a fidgeter. Anyway, okay. We're gonna
go Fidgeter from way back. Way back.
Okay. Alright.
We're done now, I think. Bye, y'all. Okay.
Bye.