You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with with the one, the only,
the I'm so glad you
both permit me to indulge me. Indulge me.
That's what I want. And also hold me
back at the same time.
Hey. Indulge my excesses, but also
That's true.
Go, okay. Yeah. That's far enough. Mhmm. Yeah.
That's probably a good thing. Yeah.
Yeah. Well On both counts. On all topics.
There's not a topic
that I might have an interest in
where you don't both indulge
me and also
hold me back. Sometimes by grabbing me by
the ponytail, but whatever. Right.
You gotta do what you gotta do. You
really do. And thank God for you, being
there to do it. And that's what we're
talking about this week. This week we're talking
we got a how do words work? We've
got a question from a submissive who wants
a $24.07
total buyer exchange, but it it's not quite
working out. And they got questions.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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recording this Wednesday,
January
28.
I am working on fixing that contact page.
So if you have questions, hopefully by the
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That helps more kinksters find us, and then
we can hopefully
help more kinksters. Right. That that's what we
like to do. Okay. Here we go. I
am 78, and my Dom is 68.
We are in a close and long term
relationship of two years. We're not long distance,
but we only see each other every two
to three weeks due to his schedule. And
I feel we love each other. It's supposed
to be twenty four seven TPE,
but it seems he's not communicative enough with
me. I get very sad and feel abandoned.
Is this hopeless?
Can it be better?
Never give up hope.
No. And also be pragmatic.
I know. I know. I'm I'm being I'm
the eternal optimist around here. You are. You
are. And I'm the Eeyore.
You are. Are. So,
wow.
Is it hopeless?
Only you can tell know that. Right.
You know,
if you've put in the effort, if you've
talked to the person, you know, and and
you sat down, explained what you want, what
you need
from this, and
they haven't responded,
that's
not on you. That's kind of on them.
Right. And
so a couple things. One, I left their
ages, and not because it is relevant to
the question. This will happen to anybody of
all ages. But I do like to have
examples of
I also would like to show that,
age
does not,
change how well or
not well things go in a relationship. Okay.
But I go back to
y'all see each other only every couple of
weeks,
and you're in a twenty four seven power
exchange. Well, it's it's supposed to be. Right.
And that's what I'm saying. If the if
the conversation was this is twenty four seven
total power exchange,
but we only see each other every couple
weeks and
the dom's not communicating,
that's not twenty four seven TBE. It's not.
And, you know It's already hard enough if
you don't see each other every day. Yeah.
So that means communication has to be 10
times
more intense, stronger,
consistent, because the only way you can have
that kind of power exchange,
depending on how you define total power exchange,
is through constant
connection. Mhmm. Because there's gotta be checking in
of things. There's gotta be a here's what
I expect to do. All of that. And
and, you know, it could be a thing.
They're they're using an app like Obedience or
something like that. So, you know But we've
already got it seems he's not communicative
communicative
enough with me. Yeah. It's already laid out
there. That's already known.
Is it twenty four seven TPE at this
point? No. I don't think so. I don't
think so. I think I would never tell
somebody they can't do it just because they're
not
living together, seeing one another every day. Because
there's too many ways to get things done
in the twenty first century.
But if you're not also feeling
abandoned,
feeling abandoned. Yeah.
So
yes, what you've already said is is it.
You have to have had a conversation. If
you have not
explained how you feel
and
they giving them the opportunity to do better,
to make it right, to whatever,
that's usually the first place to start.
However, if you've had these conversations and you've
been given promises or reassurances and nothing's changing,
then you've been told everything you need to
know. Right. I think.
We only have one life, and you are
of an age where I think you should
be living your best life. Exactly. And we
are not wasting our time
on irresponsible,
noncommunicative
doms who want the fun of all that
control but don't want the responsibility
of it.
I would tell you that if you were
23 as well. But look, at 78, if
I am not a cranky old bitch who
is only doing what she wants when she
wants,
I something has gone terribly wrong, and I'll
be pissy the whole time.
So
let's let's be clear there. Now one thing
I will say, because you know me, I
gotta I gotta find nuance, a shade of
gray, if you will.
How are y'all defining 20 fourseven TPE?
What are y'all doing? Are you seeking out
how you've defined twenty four seven TPE and
your dom is not telling you, even though
they should, that they can't give you all
of that? Is it possible you can be
satisfied in your power exchange
with less of the total power as long
as you're getting something? And and that's because
I was I was thinking
a little bit before,
what are their expectations?
Mhmm.
Do you know what their expectations are? And
do they know what yours are?
Did and I don't agree with it. I
would still call it irresponsible, but did your
dom agree to this to make you happy
but has no follow through? Mhmm. That's wrong.
They should not have done that. That's not
fair to you. That's not fair to them.
It's also irresponsible.
However,
if that's not even what they want or
what they can give you right now or
ever,
that's a valid thing that y'all need to
have an honest conversation Yeah. With.
Now if this person has
made you feel feel abandoned and unloved and
unseen and you are crying and you are
sad, I don't know if it's worth
trying to get them to change things.
Because if you have made it clear you're
upset and they're still not changing things, that
is your answer. Right. All almost always, that
is your answer.
But on the off chance that we've got
some miscommunication
or not enough communication or
expectations have not been managed appropriately,
there are are other avenues. But
if it's close and loving of two years,
then why are you sad and feeling abandoned
Right. And feeling hopeless?
Then it's not close and loving now. Maybe
it was at one point. Yeah. But it's
not now. Yeah. No. And those are some
hard conversations that need to happen. Mhmm. And
it does not matter that you're the submissive.
You get to bring those conversations up. Oh,
absolutely. I need to talk to you about
this.
The only thing that your power exchange, in
my opinion, should govern is maybe the tone
you use and the way in which you
approach a conversation.
But total power exchange does not negate the
fact that you get to go, 'Hey, we
gotta have a hard conversation. I got some
things I need to talk to you about.
We need to sort some stuff out.' Okay.
So is it hopeless?
Yeah. Like you said, only you can decide
that. Right. Can it be better? Look. Everything
can always be better. Right. Is it worth
it? Will this person follow through? Yeah. Can
they give you what you need so it
can be better?
Maybe, maybe not. That's the question to be
asking yourself. Mhmm. So
that was simple until It was. Straight to
the point. Yeah.
Just a reminder, yet again, why I kept
their ages in, old people be getting kinky
too. Okay?
JB's gonna turn 65 this year and we
are still going strong. Oh, yeah. So I
expect you to still be going strong at
99. I might be wheeling you around.
You might just be hitting me with your
cane. I don't know. As long as I
got one good hand. I will lean down
so you can pull my hair. Don't you
even worry about it.
I will accommodate you
so we can keep it kinky. Don't you
even worry about it. I'll be chasing after
you with mommy with, my mobility scooter. Cool.
Then we'll get some private play in at
the end of days there. I'm good. It's
fine. It's fine.
But no. I you know, I think twenty
four seven total power change,
it can be very difficult. Yeah. It requires
a lot from both partners. Mhmm. And sometimes
the situation you're in, just your life situation,
does not allow for that. So you have
to manage set realistic expectations of what you
can and can't do, both partners,
and then adjust accordingly.
Absolutely. Mhmm.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
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