1 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,199 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,199 --> 00:00:14,945 Lords here with with the one, the only, 3 00:00:15,005 --> 00:00:16,704 the I'm so glad you 4 00:00:18,364 --> 00:00:20,765 both permit me to indulge me. Indulge me. 5 00:00:20,765 --> 00:00:23,404 That's what I want. And also hold me 6 00:00:23,404 --> 00:00:24,864 back at the same time. 7 00:00:25,164 --> 00:00:27,640 Hey. Indulge my excesses, but also 8 00:00:28,660 --> 00:00:29,480 That's true. 9 00:00:29,940 --> 00:00:32,740 Go, okay. Yeah. That's far enough. Mhmm. Yeah. 10 00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:34,200 That's probably a good thing. Yeah. 11 00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:38,340 Yeah. Well On both counts. On all topics. 12 00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:39,479 There's not a topic 13 00:00:40,075 --> 00:00:41,934 that I might have an interest in 14 00:00:42,795 --> 00:00:44,254 where you don't both indulge 15 00:00:44,634 --> 00:00:45,774 me and also 16 00:00:46,554 --> 00:00:48,715 hold me back. Sometimes by grabbing me by 17 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,494 the ponytail, but whatever. Right. 18 00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:52,954 You gotta do what you gotta do. You 19 00:00:52,954 --> 00:00:55,434 really do. And thank God for you, being 20 00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,079 there to do it. And that's what we're 21 00:00:57,079 --> 00:00:59,000 talking about this week. This week we're talking 22 00:00:59,079 --> 00:01:00,920 we got a how do words work? We've 23 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,079 got a question from a submissive who wants 24 00:01:03,079 --> 00:01:04,120 a $24.07 25 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,520 total buyer exchange, but it it's not quite 26 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,474 working out. And they got questions. 27 00:01:09,494 --> 00:01:11,575 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 28 00:01:11,575 --> 00:01:13,015 new here, we help kinksters like you have 29 00:01:13,015 --> 00:01:15,414 happy healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast 30 00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:16,935 to your favorite podcast app so you never 31 00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:19,094 miss an episode. And normally I'd say if 32 00:01:19,094 --> 00:01:20,774 you'd like us to answer a question, you 33 00:01:20,854 --> 00:01:22,629 we have a contact page, but the contact 34 00:01:22,629 --> 00:01:23,689 page broke 35 00:01:23,989 --> 00:01:26,149 because our website broke and things had to 36 00:01:26,149 --> 00:01:28,469 be removed to be fixed. And apparently the 37 00:01:28,469 --> 00:01:29,989 contact That was one of them? The contact 38 00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:33,530 page, it still existed, but it broke. So 39 00:01:33,909 --> 00:01:35,954 as as of recording, I'm re we are 40 00:01:35,954 --> 00:01:37,174 recording this Wednesday, 41 00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:38,525 January 42 00:01:38,525 --> 00:01:39,495 28. 43 00:01:40,755 --> 00:01:43,155 I am working on fixing that contact page. 44 00:01:43,155 --> 00:01:45,395 So if you have questions, hopefully by the 45 00:01:45,395 --> 00:01:46,480 time you hear the the sound of my 46 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,719 voice Mhmm. That link is working and it's 47 00:01:48,719 --> 00:01:49,939 labeled to ask your questions. 48 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,780 If not, please be patient with us. 49 00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:56,719 I'm working on it, and we do want 50 00:01:56,719 --> 00:01:57,459 your questions. 51 00:02:00,584 --> 00:02:02,504 If I haven't scared you off with whatever 52 00:02:02,504 --> 00:02:04,584 this is enough, we would love it if 53 00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:06,984 you would leave a rating slash review on 54 00:02:06,984 --> 00:02:08,844 your preferred podcast app. Whatever 55 00:02:09,224 --> 00:02:11,224 way they let you say, hey. We like 56 00:02:11,224 --> 00:02:11,724 this. 57 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,760 That helps more kinksters find us, and then 58 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:17,740 we can hopefully 59 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,680 help more kinksters. Right. That that's what we 60 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,840 like to do. Okay. Here we go. I 61 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,159 am 78, and my Dom is 68. 62 00:02:25,159 --> 00:02:26,520 We are in a close and long term 63 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,294 relationship of two years. We're not long distance, 64 00:02:29,375 --> 00:02:31,014 but we only see each other every two 65 00:02:31,014 --> 00:02:33,215 to three weeks due to his schedule. And 66 00:02:33,215 --> 00:02:34,974 I feel we love each other. It's supposed 67 00:02:34,974 --> 00:02:36,594 to be twenty four seven TPE, 68 00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:39,294 but it seems he's not communicative enough with 69 00:02:39,294 --> 00:02:41,314 me. I get very sad and feel abandoned. 70 00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:42,479 Is this hopeless? 71 00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:43,759 Can it be better? 72 00:02:44,699 --> 00:02:46,000 Never give up hope. 73 00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:48,400 No. And also be pragmatic. 74 00:02:48,699 --> 00:02:51,259 I know. I know. I'm I'm being I'm 75 00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:54,060 the eternal optimist around here. You are. You 76 00:02:54,060 --> 00:02:55,280 are. And I'm the Eeyore. 77 00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:57,344 You are. Are. So, 78 00:02:57,885 --> 00:02:58,385 wow. 79 00:03:02,844 --> 00:03:03,745 Is it hopeless? 80 00:03:04,605 --> 00:03:07,105 Only you can tell know that. Right. 81 00:03:07,885 --> 00:03:08,545 You know, 82 00:03:10,210 --> 00:03:12,129 if you've put in the effort, if you've 83 00:03:12,129 --> 00:03:14,790 talked to the person, you know, and and 84 00:03:15,569 --> 00:03:17,569 you sat down, explained what you want, what 85 00:03:17,569 --> 00:03:18,310 you need 86 00:03:18,610 --> 00:03:19,909 from this, and 87 00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:22,069 they haven't responded, 88 00:03:22,449 --> 00:03:22,724 that's 89 00:03:23,685 --> 00:03:25,545 not on you. That's kind of on them. 90 00:03:25,685 --> 00:03:26,825 Right. And 91 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,365 so a couple things. One, I left their 92 00:03:29,365 --> 00:03:31,045 ages, and not because it is relevant to 93 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,045 the question. This will happen to anybody of 94 00:03:33,045 --> 00:03:34,405 all ages. But I do like to have 95 00:03:34,405 --> 00:03:34,770 examples of 96 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:44,930 I also would like to show that, 97 00:03:45,330 --> 00:03:45,830 age 98 00:03:46,770 --> 00:03:47,330 does not, 99 00:03:48,555 --> 00:03:50,094 change how well or 100 00:03:50,555 --> 00:03:53,375 not well things go in a relationship. Okay. 101 00:03:54,715 --> 00:03:56,495 But I go back to 102 00:03:56,794 --> 00:03:59,034 y'all see each other only every couple of 103 00:03:59,034 --> 00:03:59,534 weeks, 104 00:03:59,995 --> 00:04:02,310 and you're in a twenty four seven power 105 00:04:02,389 --> 00:04:05,030 exchange. Well, it's it's supposed to be. Right. 106 00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:06,870 And that's what I'm saying. If the if 107 00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:09,849 the conversation was this is twenty four seven 108 00:04:10,310 --> 00:04:11,530 total power exchange, 109 00:04:12,870 --> 00:04:14,775 but we only see each other every couple 110 00:04:14,775 --> 00:04:15,514 weeks and 111 00:04:15,895 --> 00:04:17,274 the dom's not communicating, 112 00:04:17,654 --> 00:04:20,295 that's not twenty four seven TBE. It's not. 113 00:04:20,295 --> 00:04:22,375 And, you know It's already hard enough if 114 00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:24,694 you don't see each other every day. Yeah. 115 00:04:24,694 --> 00:04:26,949 So that means communication has to be 10 116 00:04:26,949 --> 00:04:27,449 times 117 00:04:28,229 --> 00:04:29,529 more intense, stronger, 118 00:04:29,909 --> 00:04:32,550 consistent, because the only way you can have 119 00:04:32,550 --> 00:04:34,169 that kind of power exchange, 120 00:04:34,949 --> 00:04:37,689 depending on how you define total power exchange, 121 00:04:39,189 --> 00:04:40,490 is through constant 122 00:04:41,055 --> 00:04:43,774 connection. Mhmm. Because there's gotta be checking in 123 00:04:43,774 --> 00:04:45,694 of things. There's gotta be a here's what 124 00:04:45,694 --> 00:04:48,254 I expect to do. All of that. And 125 00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:49,535 and, you know, it could be a thing. 126 00:04:49,535 --> 00:04:51,694 They're they're using an app like Obedience or 127 00:04:51,694 --> 00:04:53,615 something like that. So, you know But we've 128 00:04:53,615 --> 00:04:56,274 already got it seems he's not communicative 129 00:04:57,270 --> 00:04:57,770 communicative 130 00:04:58,470 --> 00:05:00,310 enough with me. Yeah. It's already laid out 131 00:05:00,310 --> 00:05:01,850 there. That's already known. 132 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,710 Is it twenty four seven TPE at this 133 00:05:04,710 --> 00:05:06,949 point? No. I don't think so. I don't 134 00:05:06,949 --> 00:05:08,790 think so. I think I would never tell 135 00:05:08,790 --> 00:05:10,550 somebody they can't do it just because they're 136 00:05:10,550 --> 00:05:11,050 not 137 00:05:11,504 --> 00:05:14,324 living together, seeing one another every day. Because 138 00:05:14,384 --> 00:05:16,785 there's too many ways to get things done 139 00:05:16,785 --> 00:05:18,165 in the twenty first century. 140 00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:20,564 But if you're not also feeling 141 00:05:20,944 --> 00:05:21,444 abandoned, 142 00:05:22,384 --> 00:05:24,165 feeling abandoned. Yeah. 143 00:05:25,069 --> 00:05:25,569 So 144 00:05:25,870 --> 00:05:27,709 yes, what you've already said is is it. 145 00:05:27,709 --> 00:05:29,229 You have to have had a conversation. If 146 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,209 you have not 147 00:05:30,589 --> 00:05:31,889 explained how you feel 148 00:05:32,509 --> 00:05:33,009 and 149 00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:37,389 they giving them the opportunity to do better, 150 00:05:37,389 --> 00:05:38,930 to make it right, to whatever, 151 00:05:39,550 --> 00:05:41,704 that's usually the first place to start. 152 00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:45,204 However, if you've had these conversations and you've 153 00:05:45,204 --> 00:05:48,425 been given promises or reassurances and nothing's changing, 154 00:05:48,725 --> 00:05:50,564 then you've been told everything you need to 155 00:05:50,564 --> 00:05:51,944 know. Right. I think. 156 00:05:52,805 --> 00:05:55,044 We only have one life, and you are 157 00:05:55,044 --> 00:05:56,639 of an age where I think you should 158 00:05:56,639 --> 00:05:58,720 be living your best life. Exactly. And we 159 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,500 are not wasting our time 160 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:02,420 on irresponsible, 161 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,100 noncommunicative 162 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,920 doms who want the fun of all that 163 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,779 control but don't want the responsibility 164 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,060 of it. 165 00:06:11,835 --> 00:06:13,035 I would tell you that if you were 166 00:06:13,035 --> 00:06:16,154 23 as well. But look, at 78, if 167 00:06:16,154 --> 00:06:18,475 I am not a cranky old bitch who 168 00:06:18,475 --> 00:06:20,875 is only doing what she wants when she 169 00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:21,375 wants, 170 00:06:22,395 --> 00:06:24,490 I something has gone terribly wrong, and I'll 171 00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:25,709 be pissy the whole time. 172 00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:26,750 So 173 00:06:27,209 --> 00:06:30,089 let's let's be clear there. Now one thing 174 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:31,930 I will say, because you know me, I 175 00:06:31,930 --> 00:06:34,410 gotta I gotta find nuance, a shade of 176 00:06:34,410 --> 00:06:35,629 gray, if you will. 177 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,149 How are y'all defining 20 fourseven TPE? 178 00:06:39,514 --> 00:06:43,055 What are y'all doing? Are you seeking out 179 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,754 how you've defined twenty four seven TPE and 180 00:06:45,754 --> 00:06:48,074 your dom is not telling you, even though 181 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,675 they should, that they can't give you all 182 00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:51,995 of that? Is it possible you can be 183 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,694 satisfied in your power exchange 184 00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:56,409 with less of the total power as long 185 00:06:56,409 --> 00:06:58,529 as you're getting something? And and that's because 186 00:06:58,529 --> 00:06:59,829 I was I was thinking 187 00:07:00,370 --> 00:07:01,430 a little bit before, 188 00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:03,829 what are their expectations? 189 00:07:04,449 --> 00:07:04,949 Mhmm. 190 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,669 Do you know what their expectations are? And 191 00:07:08,610 --> 00:07:10,535 do they know what yours are? 192 00:07:10,915 --> 00:07:12,514 Did and I don't agree with it. I 193 00:07:12,514 --> 00:07:14,514 would still call it irresponsible, but did your 194 00:07:14,514 --> 00:07:16,435 dom agree to this to make you happy 195 00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:19,074 but has no follow through? Mhmm. That's wrong. 196 00:07:19,074 --> 00:07:20,435 They should not have done that. That's not 197 00:07:20,435 --> 00:07:21,975 fair to you. That's not fair to them. 198 00:07:22,115 --> 00:07:23,175 It's also irresponsible. 199 00:07:23,955 --> 00:07:24,455 However, 200 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,600 if that's not even what they want or 201 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,519 what they can give you right now or 202 00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:30,019 ever, 203 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,639 that's a valid thing that y'all need to 204 00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:34,740 have an honest conversation Yeah. With. 205 00:07:35,199 --> 00:07:36,899 Now if this person has 206 00:07:37,199 --> 00:07:39,915 made you feel feel abandoned and unloved and 207 00:07:40,154 --> 00:07:42,314 unseen and you are crying and you are 208 00:07:42,314 --> 00:07:45,055 sad, I don't know if it's worth 209 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,535 trying to get them to change things. 210 00:07:47,915 --> 00:07:49,915 Because if you have made it clear you're 211 00:07:49,915 --> 00:07:52,235 upset and they're still not changing things, that 212 00:07:52,235 --> 00:07:54,550 is your answer. Right. All almost always, that 213 00:07:54,550 --> 00:07:55,850 is your answer. 214 00:07:56,389 --> 00:07:59,210 But on the off chance that we've got 215 00:07:59,509 --> 00:08:00,170 some miscommunication 216 00:08:00,550 --> 00:08:02,490 or not enough communication or 217 00:08:03,270 --> 00:08:05,689 expectations have not been managed appropriately, 218 00:08:06,629 --> 00:08:08,964 there are are other avenues. But 219 00:08:09,504 --> 00:08:12,004 if it's close and loving of two years, 220 00:08:12,865 --> 00:08:15,225 then why are you sad and feeling abandoned 221 00:08:15,585 --> 00:08:17,045 Right. And feeling hopeless? 222 00:08:17,824 --> 00:08:20,705 Then it's not close and loving now. Maybe 223 00:08:20,705 --> 00:08:23,220 it was at one point. Yeah. But it's 224 00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:25,539 not now. Yeah. No. And those are some 225 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:28,099 hard conversations that need to happen. Mhmm. And 226 00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:29,959 it does not matter that you're the submissive. 227 00:08:30,019 --> 00:08:32,440 You get to bring those conversations up. Oh, 228 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,100 absolutely. I need to talk to you about 229 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:34,600 this. 230 00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:37,384 The only thing that your power exchange, in 231 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:40,024 my opinion, should govern is maybe the tone 232 00:08:40,024 --> 00:08:41,865 you use and the way in which you 233 00:08:41,865 --> 00:08:43,164 approach a conversation. 234 00:08:43,544 --> 00:08:45,544 But total power exchange does not negate the 235 00:08:45,544 --> 00:08:46,904 fact that you get to go, 'Hey, we 236 00:08:46,904 --> 00:08:48,825 gotta have a hard conversation. I got some 237 00:08:48,825 --> 00:08:50,105 things I need to talk to you about. 238 00:08:50,105 --> 00:08:52,365 We need to sort some stuff out.' Okay. 239 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:54,679 So is it hopeless? 240 00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:58,580 Yeah. Like you said, only you can decide 241 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,240 that. Right. Can it be better? Look. Everything 242 00:09:01,299 --> 00:09:03,940 can always be better. Right. Is it worth 243 00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:06,899 it? Will this person follow through? Yeah. Can 244 00:09:06,899 --> 00:09:08,714 they give you what you need so it 245 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,774 can be better? 246 00:09:10,954 --> 00:09:13,514 Maybe, maybe not. That's the question to be 247 00:09:13,514 --> 00:09:15,134 asking yourself. Mhmm. So 248 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:19,754 that was simple until It was. Straight to 249 00:09:19,754 --> 00:09:20,730 the point. Yeah. 250 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,570 Just a reminder, yet again, why I kept 251 00:09:24,570 --> 00:09:27,129 their ages in, old people be getting kinky 252 00:09:27,129 --> 00:09:27,949 too. Okay? 253 00:09:28,329 --> 00:09:30,570 JB's gonna turn 65 this year and we 254 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,464 are still going strong. Oh, yeah. So I 255 00:09:33,464 --> 00:09:34,745 expect you to still be going strong at 256 00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:36,924 99. I might be wheeling you around. 257 00:09:37,304 --> 00:09:38,585 You might just be hitting me with your 258 00:09:38,585 --> 00:09:40,105 cane. I don't know. As long as I 259 00:09:40,105 --> 00:09:42,024 got one good hand. I will lean down 260 00:09:42,024 --> 00:09:43,625 so you can pull my hair. Don't you 261 00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:44,759 even worry about it. 262 00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:47,500 I will accommodate you 263 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,600 so we can keep it kinky. Don't you 264 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,879 even worry about it. I'll be chasing after 265 00:09:51,879 --> 00:09:55,259 you with mommy with, my mobility scooter. Cool. 266 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,320 Then we'll get some private play in at 267 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,879 the end of days there. I'm good. It's 268 00:09:59,879 --> 00:10:01,274 fine. It's fine. 269 00:10:02,214 --> 00:10:04,054 But no. I you know, I think twenty 270 00:10:04,054 --> 00:10:05,514 four seven total power change, 271 00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:08,375 it can be very difficult. Yeah. It requires 272 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,774 a lot from both partners. Mhmm. And sometimes 273 00:10:10,774 --> 00:10:13,434 the situation you're in, just your life situation, 274 00:10:13,894 --> 00:10:15,815 does not allow for that. So you have 275 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:18,740 to manage set realistic expectations of what you 276 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:20,279 can and can't do, both partners, 277 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,040 and then adjust accordingly. 278 00:10:23,379 --> 00:10:24,600 Absolutely. Mhmm. 279 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,740 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 280 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:28,179 a episode. If you want us to answer 281 00:10:28,179 --> 00:10:30,019 one of your questions, just use the contact 282 00:10:30,019 --> 00:10:32,235 page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 283 00:10:32,394 --> 00:10:33,595 or you can find the link in the 284 00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:35,434 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 285 00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,754 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 286 00:10:37,754 --> 00:10:39,514 do this podcast and keep it going and 287 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:42,154 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 288 00:10:42,154 --> 00:10:43,434 like to be part of our community and 289 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,370 get access to extra content and a Discord 290 00:10:45,370 --> 00:10:47,129 server with a group of super cool, super 291 00:10:47,129 --> 00:10:49,049 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 292 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,210 us at patreon.com/kaylalords. 293 00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,769 That's patreon.com/kaylalords, 294 00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:55,470 or use the link in the show notes.