You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords
here with the one, the only,
the guy who gets to record,
content in his slippers, and I love that
for you. John Brownstone.
It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do
it. Somebody's gotta do it. Look. There was
a time we recorded in well, you recorded
in your underwear. That's true. Those days are
over. Days. Damn.
I missed that. Look. I'm pretty sure there
are folks who would pay good money
to watch you
record and talk about kink while in your
underwear.
So I'm just saying, the the the door's
open. You know? The ball is in your
court. How many how many metaphors can I
use here?
We would have to switch the live streams
from YouTube to OnlyFans or some other version.
Yeah. But, yeah, it's it's always an opportunity
that, you know, you're welcome to
explore.
Anyway
That's not what we're talking about today.
We got a question from a submissive about
the I can't believe I'm actually saying this.
The financial requirements
to meet a Dom
y'all, I read the question to JB, and
his blood pressure spiked, so this will be
good.
Hope I'm not overselling it, but he got
hot.
I can't wait. Anyway,
welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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and he has an immediate visceral reaction.
So it it's usually awful, but also it's
fun. Anyway,
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It's literally titled Ask Your Questions. Send Your
Question Through That Way. And it may be,
a future one of these.
Okay. This this question is actually two questions.
This is all short and sweet. Okay?
But,
did we have some thoughts, I think?
Is it normal for a sub to buy
supplies before meeting with a dominant? And how
much of a financial output should I expect
before meeting someone?
Jamie really didn't like this question.
I think both of us immediately our minds
went to,
an air quote dom. Somebody who's posing, somebody
who's using the other person. Before we get
into that, because it feels like that's probably
what this is, I do wanna make a
couple of, like let's be clear. Financial domination?
FinDom. That will be negotiated between you and
your Fin Dom. Correct. Please don't ever let
yourself go broke out of that. There there
are many power exchanges that do include money.
Mhmm. Many that do not include money. Right.
K. That is up to the individual person
whether that is something they are interested in
or not. Right. It is negotiated.
There is,
never has been, the set amount of money
that you need to put out before you
can meet a dom. Doesn't work that way.
Okay?
You know, no. It
if someone's
telling you this, it's bullshit. It's bullshit bullshit
bullshit. That is the red flag of red
flags there.
I mean, what he said
I I I know
your thought has immediately gone to somebody who's
like, oh, well, you're gonna have to do
this if you wanna earn my Yeah. If,
you know, you wanna be considered a good
citizen. Right. I will I Yeah. I will
take another tack that is Okay. More generous
because that was where my mind first went.
And I don't think I have anything to
add to that as bullshit as an accurate
statement.
The one thing I will say is if
you are meeting up to play with a
partner or you know that some kinky scene
is going to be part of your first
time kind of getting together in person,
you might have to spend money.
Because if there is a type of toy
that you
want to experience
and your body fluids are going to get
on it,
it has probably has to be purchased.
Sometimes that will be by the submissive. Sometimes
the dominance, like, hey. I'll buy it. Right.
Here's a gift. That, again, is between the
people Right. And what you negotiate. And and
there there are, I I will say, a
number of submissives
or actually
more accurate to say masochists
who will buy their own toys. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Alright. They will have their toys because
if if something doesn't work out,
they're not gonna lose their toys. Plus those
toys are bonded to that person. Right. Once
their body fluids get on it. Right. There's
a lot of toys you cannot sterilize and
sanitize Yeah. Fluids out of. So, you know,
there there is that. Sure. Okay.
But, you know, for there to be a
a set amount of money Or a condition
that you have to spend money before you're
allowed to meet your Dom, that's
gross. Yeah.
Yeah. Again,
just to be clear, we're not talking about
Fin FinDom. We're not. No. That's different. That's
different. Now do you have to be careful
with FinDom? Are there some shady people? Of
course. Of course. Of course.
I feel like a person who was asking
about financial domination would have mentioned that. So
I don't feel like that's what this question
is.
I there's also, you know,
a thing to consider if you are having
to travel to see somebody and you are
going to them,
there will probably be some
expenditure of money.
I know that there is no
way on earth
I would have allowed JB to spend money
on me for me to go visit him
the first time or if that was the
first time meeting. And it's not because I'm
too good for him to spend his money.
It's not even that I would have just
it's this. And maybe I'm speaking as, you
know,
somebody who is raised and socialized as a
as a woman
in this society.
I've come across too many
people, primarily
men,
cis men specifically,
who will a 100% use that against you.
You owe me something now that I've spent
money. So in my personal
cautiousness
on what kind of situations I get myself
into,
there would there's no way I would I
would let that happen
different decision
knowing, you know, your specific situation, the person
you're dealing with, all that. Feel free.
So I say that to say if you
are a submissive who is going somewhere
to meet your dom for the first time
and it's going, you know, and you feel
similarly to the way I do,
then you should
be- expect that there will be something you
have to spend.
It needs to be within your budget, though.
I I don't I don't want one of
y'all to go broke because you were desperate
to meet this dom
who couldn't or wouldn't meet you halfway,
spend the money to come to you, whatever
whatever. Right?
But so if we're we're talking big picture,
not singular asshole who is trying to use
you, we're talking like, should I expect to
have to spend money?
It depends.
Yeah. You don't have to spend money to
get kinky because the body can do a
lot lot of the work. Words and the
mental and emotional aspect can do a lot
of the work. There's no requirement for toys.
But there might be a requirement if you're
long distance.
There might be a requirement if neither of
you has a place you can be you
know, have privacy and you need to, like,
get a hotel room for some semblance of
privacy.
That
is something that should be discussed and negotiated
Correct. You know, with you and a partner.
And if this is your first time meeting
them, I just say exercise caution. Caution. Make
sure you don't get yourself kind of like
stuck in a corner where you can't easily
extract yourself if you need to. Like if
if you find out that they are not
who they, you know, claim to be and
how they portrayed themselves online and now in
person, you're like 'Woah.' Right? Like be thinking
of those things. Sure.
But if a dom is like well you're
gonna have to buy this, and you're gonna
have to do this, and you're gonna have
to look this certain way, and and you're
gonna have to spend all this money before
we
Mm-mm.
That that's got to be a mutual decision?
And and there is nothing And it's not
required. I I I have to say is
just because the way that the last part
of the question
was,
phrased.
It's not
meaning a dom is not a a carnival
game. Mhmm. You know, where you put so
much into it and then you get the
Kewpie doll or the Dom. Right. Right. Right.
Like, there's there's not like
a there yeah. There's not this list you're
supposed to check off of, well, I well,
I bought the corset or I bought the
cage or I bought this or Right. And
now I have advanced to the level where
I have to meet a Dom. Like,
When does the boss Dom come? When does
the boss Dom come?
I put in a thousand coins. Does that
mean I get a bigger Dom? Like, no.
It's just not how it's supposed to work.
No. No.
In a in a typical situation where maybe
you're, you know, you're in the same town
or you can like, maybe you meet at
a munch,
you meeting a dom should could be as
free as going to the park if you
don't if one or both of you doesn't
have a lot of cash. Right. Or one
or both of you does not wanna take
money from a person you have not established
a relationship with.
It it is different if you're
traveling. Right? If you're
going in for a very specific kind of
scene. Right? And you want specific
toys
or
you know what's the word I want?
There's a word I want. Oh my god.
I hate it when I do that. Props
to be used. Right?
You might need to be the one who
spends your money on that, especially if you
want that to be yours when you walk
away. Mhmm. Correct.
Or if there's a toy that a, you
know, this person has used on other people
and you do not feel comfortable
with that, quite frankly, I wouldn't either. That's
a personal risk assessment.
I would I think I would argue caution.
Like, if body fluids can get on something
and it ain't silicone or stainless steel or
something that can be sterilized.
Yeah. Have your own. Right? Mhmm.
But that's that's it, and that's personal to
each dynamic.
Correct. And that's based on your specific set
of circumstance.
So if if a dom is, like, setting
these requirements and saying you must have this
and you must buy these toys and and
do this thing and spend this amount of
money before you are, you know, allowed to
be in my presence,
then that
is what JB would call Bullshit
of the highest degree. Exactly.
That that's no bueno. That's no. No. No.
No.
I you know, let let's face it. I
mean, I understand, you know, sometimes
I I can understand,
somebody, especially if it's somebody new coming into
the lifestyle.
You know,
toys can be expensive. They can be. They
can be. Toys can be expensive, you know.
But,
one thing I always said about that, you
know, you're you're buying almost like an heirloom
piece, a bespoke piece when you buy some
of these, you know, these these cloggers and
other things that that folks make.
So, you know, it's it's almost an investment.
But then again, you can go out and
get yourself a wooden spoon and a spatula.
A hand. Yeah. Hand.
Of the the words your dom speaks that
gets in your head and, like, messes with
your imagination.
Right.
Yeah. Money is a tricky thing in in
kink because some things absolutely a 100% cost
money. And when you don't have the money
to spend on that, it is tough. It
can feel like you're missing out.
And but I also think that
people think that you can only do these
things if you buy the right things and
spend the right money, have the right gear,
have the right clothes.
Those are nice to haves. If you've got
the budget for it, I'm not gonna tell
you how to spend your money. Please get
what makes you happy. Enjoy. Right. But if
you don't have the budget for it It
doesn't make you any less of a
masochist submissive. Doesn't make you any less of
a a sadist dominant.
Of anybody who tells you otherwise
is spewing what? Bullshit. How many times can
I get JB to say bullshit in a
second?
That is that is reading what I wanna
know. That is that is what I wanna
know.
So, yeah, I think that's
that's our probably our final answer on that.
It's pretty
it's simple and also it's nuanced. Bullshittery.
Bullshittery. There's no requirement that you spend money
to meet your Dom No. In in general.
Right? Again Yeah. Caveat. We're not talking about
FinDom.
But, yes, there can be
expenses that go along with certain facets of
it. So that that's
the reality, I think. Correct.
Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q
and a episode. If you want us to
answer one of your questions, just use the
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or you can find the link in the
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