You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode
four sixty eight. Kayla Lords here with the
one,
the only the guy who,
I'm gonna tease y'all, gave us a rant.
Monday episode, tune in.
JB went on
a JB rant.
He had a new favorite word. I will
not spoil that for you. You'll know the
moment you you listen what his new favorite
word is.
He ranted hard enough that I did not
know how to form words and thoughts
and and get my thoughts out for a
minute there. I just was looking at you.
I didn't think it was that bad. No.
It was not a bad rant. It's you
don't rant.
You are very calm.
You are. You are. You're kind of the
personification
of,
self control,
in dominance.
Come on. Actually, sometimes I think you're a
secret masochist because sometimes you'll deny me so
hard because your sadist side is playing, but
I'm like, you're denying yourself.
But also I think you like it. So
anyway
Anyo.
I don't know that this episode will will,
you know, get you ranting again. Yeah. I
do think you have very personal experience with
this one.
We are talking about,
primarily for new doms, but not necessarily,
sort of a fear of losing
self control and becoming power hungry and, you
know, not behaving responsibly with the control and
power they're given.
We're gonna talk about that this week.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
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And, you know, I just have to say
this with your whole thing with, you know,
loving DS one.
Fucking hate that.
You know, you have high blood pressure.
I know. I do medicine. You do. You
hang on to that so tightly. Because I
had our
name. I had our name.
And then Facebook slash Instagram slash meta decided
to be puritanical
mother
fuckers and didn't for a while, maybe still
not, I haven't tried, let you have something
like BDSM
anywhere in your fucking name. I lost the
name. I can't get it back.
I hate it so bad. Let it go.
No. Let it go. No. Let it go.
I am not
Elsa.
Not
I'll hold that grudge till the day I
die. Okay. Before we get into the topic
this week,
one announcement. There were supposed to be other
announcements, but there's at least one. There's at
least one.
Our Friday night livestream is this Friday, January
16
at a new time at a new time.
I know folks' attention wanders sometimes. At a
new time.
Friday night livestreams will now be
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We have finally admitted
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Has not been for a few years, and
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That's how I keep up.
So yeah. Friday night livestream, 8PM.
There we go. I I did the thing.
There was supposed to be another announcement, but
I didn't do finish doing my part. So
that will have to wait, hopefully, till next
week. Okay.
The topic.
This topic comes from two places,
and,
one was a direct question
from,
a proud cricket through our
Patreon community.
That's another perk. If you want to join
Patreon, you can get to me much quicker
and much more easily and much more directly.
And the other, I I don't think
any of the ones I saw made it
into any of our Reddit episodes, but I
know
maybe for last week's Reddit episode, maybe for
the one before that,
towards the end of the year,
I know I have seen
new
doms
sort of with this fear
of,
okay,
I now have control over this person. I
have power over them. I'm allowed to do
these things consensually in a negotiated way with
this person.
What if I forget how to behave? And
in different ways. For some people it's what
if I like turn this dominance thing on
to people who are not in the dynamic?
I'm at work. I'm in my social circle.
I'm with family, and I just start acting
like big d dom. And others are like
what if I forget myself and I do
this outside of our dynamic? I do this
to my partner when they're not asking for
it, when it's not negotiated. I just kind
of become this person.
And
I have to say, I kind of understand
where somebody might go, uh-oh.
What if? Mhmm.
But it is also not something I've ever
thought about before. So
but the moment I told you about it,
you immediately went, oh, yeah. I know exactly
what they're talking about.
So it had to be an episode.
It had to be an episode.
So
let's
let's talk about that. Okay.
So the very first thing, when I told
you this this topic and these the question
we had received and then the things I
had seen Mhmm. What did you say? Absolute
power corrupts absolutely.
That is the fear. Yeah. You know,
but do you think did so was that
something you thought immediately just like, oh, I'm
okay. Okay. I've embraced it. I'm big d
dom. I'm I'm a dominant. That's how I
I roll in relationships. Mhmm. Was it sort
of an oh, no? Or was it after
you got to do the dom thing and
then an oh, no? It was it was
in the beginning when I first started Mhmm.
In the lifestyle.
Mhmm. And that's kinda where that had come
about. True.
Alright.
But, you know, even
even
now, sometimes.
It hits you even now? Yeah.
Twenty plus years later?
Sure. What is it that you worry about
when it hits you? What's happening? Think think
about this. You
have after
the amount of time we are together,
okay, you have put
so much trust
in me. Mhmm. I could say anything to
you and you would believe me. Yeah. That's
for damn sure. I could I could do
that and you would believe anything that spewed
out of my mouth. Mhmm. It's how you
mind fuck me. And and it's how I
mind fuck you, but you think about
that kind of power over somebody. For sure.
Alright. That's that's a lot.
And you know,
it's
I don't want to say it's the temptation
is there, but The understanding
is there. You know that it's there.
Here's what I would say to new doms
who are going, oh my god, yes,
I I recognize that. Or any dom. Here's
the thing. If you are thinking about it
and aware
and not acting on it in the moment,
I mean nothing is a 100% certain in
life, but I'm gonna say
you are unlikely
to forget yourself in in in situations where
this is not warranted. You are unlikely to
abuse this power and, you know, lack the
self control to just, like, be who you're
supposed to be in this role and in
this moment and be your like,
the the people who use their power that
way,
they're not thinking, oh no. What if I
use the power I have that way? They
might be they might absolutely recognize the power
that they have, but they're not worried about
it and they're not questioning themselves.
They're I just don't think they are. I
think they're going,
Here's another tool for manipulation,
so therefore I will use it because I
know I have that tool.
The honorable
people who are trying their best or trying
to be good responsible doms are gonna go,
oh shit, I have that power. I better
be careful.
You know? Yeah.
But I did I I find that fascinating
that you still feel that way, but also
I'm kind of comforted. But also I think
I taught you that to some extent. And
here's what I mean by that. You you
get me so good when you're joking. And
I take you so now part of it
is I do take some things quite literally.
That's a thing. But if JB says it
and
I don't know that it's factually untrue, then
it's true until I find out otherwise.
And so, yeah, I've had to say to
him over the years, oh my god. You
could say anything to me.
I you could say anything to me. And
I'm actually a little I don't get nervous
about that because I do trust you.
Because
I you can't get that way with me
without that complete trust, and to get that
complete trust, holy shit, you gotta work for
it. Because I just don't I'm naturally skeptical
of what many people tell me if I
don't know your motives and I don't know
you and I don't have that kind of
trusting relationship.
So I don't worry about it, but I
am I am aware of it. Especially when
you do mind fuck me and I get
mad later, I'm like, oh my fucking god,
you mind fucked me.
Yeah. But see then, that also then comes
with
the other one Mhmm. That I said deal.
Mhmm. Uncle
Ben. Oh. With great power comes great responsibility.
Do you wanna know every time you say
uncle Ben, I don't immediately think Spider Man.
I do immediately think You think of rice.
I think of rice
and oatmeal
and whatever else.
Just saying. Yeah. With great power comes great
power. Yeah. And, you know, I you have
to be cognizant cognizant
of that. Mhmm.
And again, I go back to if you
are a person who is fearful that you
will somehow forget yourself, I think you are
less likely. It's not that you might not.
It's not that in the heat of a
moment we were talking about this as we
were discussing this topic, that sometimes JB has
to pull his big dom voice
on people who are not hismissive.
If you want to wrangle the sisters and
me to be his place and
Yes. Sometimes
but
using a tone of voice is not the
same
as using the control that you've been granted.
It's not the same as being controlling. It's
not the same as being,
sort of power hungry. Right? Or too controlling.
It's just a it's a thing you know
will get attention. Mhmm. Everybody else still has
all their free will to do whatever they're
gonna do. You're not trying to manipulate anything.
You're actually just trying to like
move a situation along whatever the risk outcome
is. True. I, you know, I have used
back in the day when I worked in
an office, I
did use my Dom voice a couple times
in the office.
Mhmm. Okay.
But even that
was a one of the times, I can't
remember the circumstances, but there was there was
just like a clusterfuck going on in the
office and everybody back and forth back and
forth and nobody, you know, nothing was getting
settled. Everything was just, you know, chaos.
Mhmm. And I just kind of, like, stepped
in and said, hey.
And here's the thing. There's a there's a
difference between little d domination, big d domination
Mhmm. And taking charge of situations.
Taking charge of a situation
does not mean you've been conferred with any
more power than the group you're in will
allow you to have. Right? Because sometimes
somebody has to step up and guide the
fucking ship. That's at work. That's at home.
That's wherever.
And for some people,
it is either part of their personality. They're
just that's just who they are, and they
will do it. And or
maybe you've been a dominant just long enough
to have gained the self confidence that you
know you can lead somebody or you can
take
a little bit of necessary control in a
moment
because you've got the experience in other ways.
That does not necessarily mean you have brought
your big d dominant self into the situation.
It means that those skills can be transferable.
Yeah.
And here's the thing too that, you know,
have to keep in mind,
you know, you and I
with what we have negotiated
with what we have in our power exchange,
it was it's negotiated. Mhmm.
Okay. I didn't negotiate anything with anybody at
work. Right.
But you but you all you understood that
there's a shared
outcome. There's a project to complete. There's a
deadline to meet. There's a a job that
everybody has to do and it has to
get done. Right. So, you know, this is
why group work fucking sucks. Sometimes somebody's gotta
stand up and go, okay. I'll I'll I'll
drive this thing. Right?
But taking that little bit of charge
is not necessarily
is not truly,
to me, on the same level at all
Mhmm. Of being a dominant in a relationship.
Even if the some of the same muscles
are being It's it's not going through and
and trying to mind fuck the office or,
you know,
manipulate people. Right. Because that's the thing. If
you bring big d dominant energy into a
space that's, like, not your part negotiated partner,
that is that is manipulation because nobody has
agreed to this behavior. Nobody has said, yeah.
Sure. You can be in charge of this
situation. We'll let you have that control and
power. You've just come in and done it.
And again, I go back to if you
are a person who worries that you will
do that, you are unlikely to do that.
Well, I mean, it's it's
it it's morals. It's it's your morals are
in play here. You know? So Personal ethics.
Yeah. There's also context. So I think some
people
might worry that they'll forget themselves. They'll just
get so used to how they behave in
this situation.
They'll be in other situations, and this will
just come out of them almost sort of
naturally. And I think context
is key here because the power and control
you have
with your partner,
that's been negotiated.
And you know,
you better if you didn't.
You do now that they can withdraw their
consent at any point.
So your behavior
is
geared towards what, one, whatever is sort of
natural to you or what you've learned or
what you're comfortable with, But also it's in
direct response to a partner who is giving
as much as they're receiving
and
you're on
ideally, you're on the same page in wavelength
here. You each have your role to play.
There's so much context around it, so much,
you know, intimate details, so so much that
goes into that
that I I think it is highly unlikely
that most people
would just
switch into that or forget themselves.
If you are a person who thinks I'm
gonna I'm just gonna pull this out and
it's I'm gonna forget myself, that is the
thing I would say
keep in mind. It's all about context.
Within a power exchange it's all about context.
And sometimes that is harder.
Sometimes you're like, oh, I take charge in
this situation.
We're not in that situation.' And you gravitate.
JB and I have had these moments. They
are few and far between. They are always
worked out. Out. But in the beginning of
our relationship,
the one thing that has nothing to do
with our power exchange is parenting.
Which means we get to do the really
fun thing of butting heads someday.
And
never in a way that
made me
concerned or that was harmful or anything.
But there were a couple times
if every other aspect of our life is
power exchange and this one aspect isn't, it
makes sense to me that JB would just
carry over because this is how we interact
99%
of the time.
Right?
Then it's on me
to go, well, this you're bringing big D
energy to a space that doesn't get big
D energy. We are equals here.
We you don't get to make this final
decision. We have to make this together.
And or especially early on, I am their
mother.
I have to make this. I'm legally responsible
for them. I have to make this decision.
It's less like that now, but you know
And that's a thing that if you as
a dominant are worried about, then you you
need to talk to your partner about it
and go, you know Because not every relationship
is 20 fourseven. Sometimes you're strictly bedroom only
or you're strictly
in sexual moments only, which are not always
in the bedroom.
And there might be aspects of your life
that the power exchange doesn't cover.
You being aware that you might oopsie that,
bring that energy to the wrong moment,
that's good. But having an honest conversation
dom fucking out there that's too great, too
amazing, too powerful that their power can't be
fucking checked. And it is checked by their
partner
every
time. Because, yeah, you can go too far.
Not not in a,
nefarious way.
The shitty people? That's different. I'm not talking
about them. But you can. You can be
like, I'm so used to having this control,
and we're having a conversation, and the context
is, when I look at you, this is
how I treat you, this is how I
talk to you. Yeah. You will, at times,
forget yourself, but that's a thing you learn
over time. That takes
practice. That just takes practice and a partner
who's willing
to
say, hey. No. This this isn't this isn't
okay. We can't we can't do it this
way. You know? This is not this is
not our power exchange. This is something separate.
Some people like to use code words, you
know, to
switch. It's, I think,
another good reason
for folks who
have a very, like,
narrow scope of your power exchange is these
specific situations.
You know, we often tell people to have
a ritual at the end of the day
so you can turn, like,
your parent brain off or your employee brain
off and turn your kink brain on and
get into the mindset.
You know,
I think that kind of action can serve
multiple purposes.
Mhmm. And to have even a variation of
an action like that to go to sort
of signal, hey, we're not in this mode
anymore, or hey, we are in this mode.
Excuse me. For anybody who does struggle with,
oh, I've gotta turn my dom brain off
in this conversation, but I can turn it
back on in that conversation. And you know,
you just kind of create boundaries around these
things. And this is the space where we'll
go talk about this like this.
It's just two people in a relationship, and
here's the space we'll be dom subbed together
and and interact in on that wavelength together.
Right? To sort of
differentiate.
And I you know,
that's I think primarily for people who do
have a very strict delineation.
And you know there are some things that
aren't power exchange, and you know there are
some things that are. For us, we don't
really have that. It was just a it
was
engaging in with each other until it became
muscle memory. You know? Yeah.
Yep. And And so there I I think
I maybe needed to remind JB, like, maybe
twice
over all these years. And it was on
something minor, you know?
I didn't like it.
For submissives out there, you might feel uncomfortable
but you gotta do it. It's it's a
little bit of the shared responsibility.
Right? That's that's your responsibility as a submissive
to go
to the extent that you can, to go,
no, that's not allowed. I'm not okay with
that.'
A good partner is gonna go, oh shit.
My bad. Right? Or they're gonna go calm
down and you'll talk about it later.
But yeah.
I had to get over being uncomfortable.
Truly, I was once or twice. It was
Yeah. It was nothing.
I think this fear
comes from another space.
I think these things can overlap, and I
think some people will think of this specific
thing and other people will think of that
specific thing. So this is another thing that
came to mind.
If
you,
as a kinkster, but specifically a dominant,
have sort of internalized somewhere this message,
the cliche and the stereotype that doms are
really abusers,
or doms are supposed to be big bad
mean blah blah blah or,
they take advan You know, doms take advantage
of their partner. Doms can be power hungry.
Doms don't really care about that partner even
though you as the individual
are like, that's not true for me. I
absolutely care about my partner and I'm not
going to take this too far and I
will do what I have consent to do.
If somewhere in your lizard brain you're like,
but doms are like that,
I could I don't want you to believe
that. I could see where that fear would
come from. Will I turn into that big,
mean, scary dom just by the act of
domination?
Right.
And no. If you were if you were
the type
to abuse your power,
you were gonna abuse power outside of power
exchange. You probably already done it
or you would have done it if the
opportunity,
came up. Right?
Broken record. If you're the type to worry
about it, it's unlikely
that it's gonna happen to you. But I
do think that that comes down to
the very
negative and narrow ways both doms and subs
are viewed by, you know,
non kink spaces or, you know, some of
those who are like the one true way
ers who are like, oh, doms are supposed
to be this and that. They're supposed to
be kind of like firm and strict and
harsh and
bullshit bullshit bullshit,
and you know you're not like that, but
now you fear you might become,
air quote, a real dom or that kind
of dom,
I I might play a part for some
people.
And it's it's a pity because what it
means is that the message
is not
is not wide enough that there are as
many ways to dominate as there are dominants
and that
quiet,
unassuming,
humble domination
is as valid as the loud
sharp tone,
you know.
I'm gonna
I don't even know. I y'all I'm so
goddamn submissive. I don't fucking know.
The kind of dom I couldn't fucking have
and who couldn't fucking handle me. I would
run that motherfucker off.
Okay?
If I got even close enough to being
comfortable
to be my full self Not for the
faint of heart. They they
they would be so done with me so
fucking quick.
But and that but that's another, like, sort
of disservice to doms that you get kind
of pigeonholed into, well, this is what I
think dominance is. And then you explore dominance
and you you get to feel some of
that power. You get to have those moments.
Maybe you do speak harshly. Maybe you, you
know, you play with dirty talk and, you
know, verbal humiliation or who knows? Like whatever
it is. And you're like, oh shit. I
feel like I'm sounding like
that stereotype, that cliche,
that
not the type of dom I want to
be. What if this is who I am?
And there's kind of a little bit of
panic there maybe.
That is, I think, truly more education
and listening and paying attention to your fucking
submissive. If they are loving what you are
doing
and they're not being harmed in a a
way that's, you know,
dangerous or
more dangerous than the average kink play outside
of risk assessment kind of stuff, I mean.
They're not doing things that you can see
are harmful to them or to you. It's
not, you know, you're not having like
I don't know. I don't want to say
you're not having moral quandaries because sometimes you
have the moral quandary because you have to
unlearn
what, you know, society has taught you about
how relationships are supposed to be. But I
think there's a moment, it's sort of like
the one you have, of I could tell
her fucking anything and she'd believe it. That
kind of moral quandary. Right?
If if you're just giving and receiving
in this way you've negotiated, I think the
more you do that,
the more you grow in confidence as a
dom, and so the less that stereotype
can be a worry for you. Because now
you have the experience of being a dominant
the way that you dominate. And that is
true. As as as one learns and one
grows and and becomes more, you know, comfortable
in themselves. Yeah. That's
absolutely true.
Absolutely.
Okay. I'm looking at my notes y'all. Okay.
Hold on.
Oh.
We covered all the reasons I don't think
you need to worry, but I'm gonna reiterate
them Okay. Just to be organized in case
that happens. So here's some reasons we came
up with well, I don't think you probably
need to worry. So I'll say it again.
If you're thinking about this at all, I
don't think you gotta worry. Abusers and people
who don't care about boundaries are not asking
themselves if they'll take things too far. They're
they're not. They're not. They're seeing the line
and going, oh, cool. I can do a
cartwheel over it.
Just a second.
I I now would like to always imagine,
people crossing lines by doing cartwheels. I'm just
saying.
Go back to what we said before. Dominance,
big d dominance happens within the context of
a negotiated relationship.
If you are not within that context with
other people Mhmm. I think all you have
to do is remember it. Remember what When
you get When you are big D and
then every other time you're not, I think
it's harder when you're talking to your partner
that you have a power exchange with,
but this is a moment where you don't
get to be big D dominant.
That is a time thing. That's a communication
thing. You can get better at that.
And then also Mhmm. Dominance is intimate. That's
with or without sex. This is not a
sexual intimacy.
Power exchange is intimate. Right?
And I'm It's a mental intimacy.
And emotional. Absolutely.
So
that means
however you process
feelings and intimacy, like how you feel it
in your body, how your brain sort of
goes, yes this is intimate, whatever whatever.
That is a feeling
that is so unique and specific
that I cannot imagine too many people
going into another space with other people
and bringing their- in a negative way, bringing
their big D dominance because they've somehow forgotten.
Because it's- there's an energy between dom and
sub. Right?
Within a scene
or just within you're just conversing with one
another and you're in your roles and, you
know, you're you're dealing with something in life,
but your power exchange is part of it.
Right? There's a there's an intimacy to that
that you're not,
I don't think, getting with just like a
coworker. Right?
So maybe you raise your voice or use
your dumb tone,
but that's not the same thing
as interacting with all these people who you
are not intimate with
in the same way that you interact as
a dom in an intimate way with your
submissive. Right? So I just I think those
are the reasons that most people probably don't
have to worry about. I think it I
think it's a I think it's a healthy
sign that you're questioning. Right? That you worry
you'll take things too far. That you won't
have self control. That you'll go power hungry.
That you'll, you know, you know, look at
me. I can control things, so now I
wanna control everything.
Okay.
And I don't think it's gonna happen, but
I think it's good that you're thinking about
it.
Now here's the thing we were kind of
touching on.
And this is where I think it's more
likely for people to maybe get confused and
think they're bringing Big D energy to a
space that that's not that should not happen.
But it's what I said before that the
skills you learn in power exchange are transferable.
Becoming more forthright and clear in your communication
because you got to practice with a partner
so that y'all could have the power exchange
you want so you can like get freaky
deaky with one another and you had to
say the hard thing,
right? Learning that skill, I hope to God
it fucking transfers over to other shit. So
you might find yourself speaking very clearly and
forthrightly with a person you have never done
that with before
and being simple and plain and clear, but
taking no shit.
That's not just your big that's not a
big D dominance thing.
That's a thing that we all should do
more of and have more healthy boundaries and
sometimes we just need to say the thing
that needs to be said. Right?
That's not you taking advantage or showing no
self control over yourself as a dominant.
Communicating your boundaries more often and easier because
you have just practiced with your submissive partner
and you negotiated this power exchange and it's
an ongoing negotiation. And sometimes you'll be like,
woah. I gotta change the limit. Woah. I
can't accept that. I can't allow that.
It's not an it's not an overnight thing.
It's not it's not a you will think
of this every time, but the more you
do it in this situation,
you and your partner, easier it is to
do with other people.
Not always easy, but easier.
And the other thing
is
if your self confidence increases
as a dom because you're embracing this side
of yourself being true to yourself, you're learning
new skills, you're having this amazing fucking relationship
that you could not imagine you could have,
right? That increase in confidence might make you
feel like your dom self.
Yeah. But, again,
you might walk into a situation with that
that's not power exchange at all, not kinky
at all. It's work. It's whatever.
But you're still carrying that confidence
with you. That confidence is not just a
I only am confident now when I'm doing
this thing of this and this of. That's
the thing you carry with you
always and everywhere, right,
most of the time. And I could see
where there could be, like, a wire across.
You're like, oh, shit. I feel like my
dominant self because I'm feeling, like, larger than
it fucking charged. No. You're just confident.
You just you know? You're feeling good about
yourself. Your self esteem is a little bit
higher.
You know?
Yeah. Yes.
And that's just that's a
And that's not necessarily a a bad thing.
No. No. Not at all. There are plenty
of you know, and it happens to subs
too because I know it happened to me.
As you embrace your whatever your true self
is, air quote that, because that's a subjective
term.
But you, you know, if you feel like
embracing your kink self role
and it's a thing that's a part of
you. Right? Or you embrace this, oh shit
I did a hard scary thing and now
look at me enjoying life because I challenged
myself to learn a hard scary thing.
That that confidence
it's
it just lives within you. It's just yours
now.
You know?
And it will come out in different ways.
But it happens to submissives. I promise you.
The moment I understood myself, like, I didn't
go through that, oh my gosh. I'm so
listen. What does that say about me? Now
now I went, oh, I know exactly what
the fuck that says and I make a
lot more sense. And I felt really good
about it.
Then
over time and it's a lot less
obvious to me
at this point because it's kind of my
everyday
humdrum life now.
But as I learned to negotiate for what
I want and
to be very vulnerable
and allow some shit I had never allowed
before. And to do some shit I'd never
done before,
the confident I I grew I my confidence
grew and that bled over into other parts
of my life. Mhmm. You know? I think
that's just
how that
happens and how that works. Right.
But I think anybody who,
in this case, we're talking doms, you recognize
that feeling because you felt it
in the scene, in the dynamic,
talking to your sub.
I could see where for a second you
might confuse that with oh shit.
Am I did I just put my big
d hat on in the middle of this
person talking about their fucking PowerPoint?
I'm sorry. It's the twenty first century slide
deck. Whatever. Fucking PowerPoint.
I could see it as a new dom,
I could see the confusion. But
no.
That's that's you reaping the benefit of what
a happy, healthy power exchange can can do
for you can be for you.
So yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like there's something I wanted to
ask you about all this.
Did you
the the things we talked about, like, what
sound like big d dominance, but isn't. Mhmm.
Did you have those experiences where as you
got more into power change, as you did
more of these things,
the
the confidence and the whatever
transferred over another part you're the skills transferred
over. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
And that's all you got to say about
that. Give you. Yep. If anybody ever wants
to know, why does Kayla talk so much?
Because that is the podcast you would get,
y'all.
That is the podcast you would get.
Do you think other people in your life
noticed the change?
I think
some did. Yes.
Absolutely.
Did they was it
a they noticed it or was there a
reaction to it? Were they surprised? Were they
I I think it was a little bit
of a surprise.
Because what had you been like before?
Because you were mostly yourself. I mean Yeah.
Embracing dominance doesn't mean you become a whole
new person. Mhmm. But
the thing, the confidence and the To to
a certain extent, I mean, I'm I'm still
kind of this way, but,
you know, because I was off in my
corner just doing my work and, you know
Head down. Head down. Just, you know yeah.
Yeah. A
little bit of a leave me the fuck
alone vibe if I recall. Yeah.
I'm
not gonna lie. I like that some of
the skills are transferable because as the aforementioned
sisters who cannot
I don't know how people who are planners
and anxious
can't make a fucking decision. I just don't
know.
Especially when they are very
intent on having things the way they like
them in their own, like,
nuclear relate like, just them and a partner
or them in their household. Oh, they're gonna
do it the way they wanna do it.
But you get a couple of them together.
If he didn't use that tone, we would
just go hungry every fucking visit. We'd just
all be eating peanut butter and jelly.
I do like I do like it when
you do it.
I've heard you. It's not oh, here's a
way I here's a way I tease JB
about
big d voices. Because we think about the
sharp tone, the, like, you're you're about to
be in trouble tone. There are other tones
that are is a Dom voice.
I knew
I knew we were not connecting
quite
as intimately
in our kink life
when I realized
that Lola was getting called good girl more
than I was. Oh my god.
And
do you
do not question it. You know I fucking
said something. You know I made a snarky
comment about it.
Of course.
And it's not like JB, like, rolls over
and just does what the fuck I want,
but
he did take it to heart.
There's a little bit more praise in my
life after that.
Do I do I tease him about it?
Sure. Of course I do. Of course she
does. Because Lola is the best good girl.
I'm I'm not disputing that. That's that's a
fact. Okay?
But
when you as the specimen over there going,
you know, I'd like
like to be somebody's good girl too. Is
that a hot minute?
I'm just saying. So
I I for anybody who has this fear,
this worry,
you know yourself
more than than I I can't tell you
what you need to do.
So I would say check-in with yourself. You
know? Where are you worried about it happening?
Is it within the context of your relationship,
but outside your power exchange? That's a conversation
with your partner. Are you worried about it
happening
in other parts of your life that have
nothing to do with kink?
Ask yourself why. Like where's the fear coming
from? Is it the stereotype I'm gonna turn
into some big asshole meanie? Right?
Is it
because you're you're feeling
some of the feelings that dominance gives you,
you carry with you. Right? The ability to
communicate, the boundaries, the confidence. Right? And that
makes you uncomfortable.
Is it because you are sometimes surrounded by
motherfuckers
who need somebody
to go,
Hey,
we gotta get this done. Right?
Like think about what it is that you're
concerned about and then focus on that aspect.
What can you do
for yourself to remind yourself? Or and when
I say remind yourself, not to remind yourself
that you're gonna immediately, like, forget yourself, lose
all self control and become, you know, this
big asshole big d dom
again in a stupid fucking meeting about a
Power
Any I don't miss those things.
Like, what is it that like, can you
give yourself
a mental cue? Can you just go, hey.
Nope. This doesn't feel intimate at all. This
ain't the space. You know, talk yourself through
those situations
where you worry that it's gonna happen and
then see if you can't put little things
in place for yourself. Right? Like maybe it's
just a reminder about context. Maybe it's a
reminder. Hey. I am not naked with these
people right now, so I know this isn't
the time and space for that. Right? Like,
whatever
it
is.
And, you know and
like JB like JB, be aware. It it
will hit you in other times. The more
your partner puts their trust in you, the
more power you have, the more responsibility you
have. Yeah. To be careful with that power.
Yeah. Yes.
And then if you are a person who
has maybe you have multiple partners, you've ended
one relationship
next, then you just have to remember that
every partner you ever encounter is going to
be different.
Your what you did with this massive partner
over here, you may not do. You're gonna
be who you are as a dom. Like,
we all have our personalities as kinksters. Things
we like, this is who we are. But
the way we interact is dependent upon the
people.
So as long as you do not go
into every interaction with a new potential partner
with assumptions about this is how you dominate
and so this is how you're gonna treat
this person before you negotiated, before they've agreed,
before you're dynamic, whatever whatever whatever, you know,
I think you're fine. I think I think
you'll be fine.
And also, you know,
be the kind of dom you wanna see
out in the world. If you are,
you know, a victim to the stereotype of
true doms or this and you're like, I
think that guy's an asshole. I don't want
to be that kind of dom. Right? And
when I say guy, I do not all
doms are not men. All doms are just
like all subs are not female. But, you
know, you don't want to be that stereotype,
right? Then don't be. You know,
embrace whoever you are as a dom and
then be that person when it's appropriate.
JB's style of dominance,
some people they cannot handle
it. They don't understand it. They think it's
not
real.
You know, they think he's way too lenient
with me. He is to a certain extent
because that's what works for us.
Y'all just aren't there when he is no
longer lenient.
True true true.
Because that's part of what I think doms
need. Of all genders, of all identities, of
all types of people,
we need to see more flavors of Dom.
Right. We need to see that dominance can
look like so many different ways. It's not
just pigeonholed into one thing. Right. And it's
not that big thing you're scared of. It's
whoever you are as a big d, whatever
that means, whatever that looks like, as long
as it's consensual.
Somebody likes it if you're doing it with
a partner and they're still there and everybody's
happy.
So that is, air quote, real
dominance. Right?
So anyway, I guess I've done lecturing.
Yeah. Alright. Do you have anything else you
want? I don't think so. No. Okay.
So,
are we good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you
next week.
Daddy.
Yes, baby girl? Can we talk about the
crickets? Sure.
You know, I think we're the pendulum is
swinging. Last week took so fucking long.
This week,
so fucking short. Mhmm.
I I got I guess I don't embrace
that not every episode has to be an
hour and a half. That's true. Sometimes
you can sum up a topic
in a brief amount of time. Yeah. It
doesn't feel right if I don't have lots
and lots of words.
Have I done my job if I have
not talked y'all's ear off? As the kids
call it, yapping, which I think we called
it yapping too. Did we just have different
context for it? Does it mean something different?
No.
I don't know.
The yapping. I'm a yapper
from way the fuck.
My family love I don't know how old
I was when I first started talking. I
have no fucking clue. I don't care. But
I do remember the stories of the family
proudly proclaiming how that I was very
young when I started talking and once I
started, I have not shut up since.
That is accurate.
You actually know things are not doing well
if I'm really fucking quiet.
To the extent that if I get quiet
for too long, JB just kinda comes up.
It's a little What's wrong? It's a little
bit
like, somebody approaching, like, a a wild animal.
Like, he's real. He's moving slow. Right. He's
not making direct eye contact right away. Mhmm.
His voice is very calm and kinda low
and soothing.
And he'll check-in. Am I okay?
I've gotten better. You know, when you work
with some of these feral animals, it's
Look.
Chaos goblins are, to their core, feral.
Just hang
on.
The thing I've gotten better about though, when
I when I stop talking, I have withdrawn.
And there's there's all kinds of reasons. Right?
I've gotten better at
telling him what the hell's going on. It
is almost never at this point because I'm
upset with him. If I'm upset with him,
he'll know. We will be talking about it.
Don't you worry.
But for you know, I think a lot
of people can relate.
Most of my life, if I got really
quiet and somebody tried to, like, check-in, probably
because I didn't have a sense of trust
with them like I do with JB or
something, I'd go, I'm fine. I'm fine. Like,
how many of us have done that? It's
nothing.
JB does not get that privilege anymore.
JB gets to hear,
which I actually think is a good thing.
Yeah. It is. It is. It is.
And so I think you've learned some things
about me over the years when I finally
gone, okay. Here's the reason I'm crying
right now.
Here's what I'm lying about. Here's what I'm
thinking. Here's what's going on with me. And
you're like, holy shit.
Okay. I don't know what to do about
it, but I'll be supportive.
It's,
led to me receiving some interesting emails.
Yeah.
That those were times,
when my quietness
was not because there was anything wrong. It
was because I was grappling with all of
the, oh my god, this relationship and these
things we're doing and I'm this is so
far outside of my comfort zone. What do
you mean I have to I'm I trust
him. I trust him. What does that mean?
I don't thoughts. So many thoughts. So many
thoughts.
You know, Awkwardish Panda I agree. Awkwardish Panda
says, in the year of our goddess 2026,
feral gremlin is the only correct energy.
Yes. Because I quite frankly, I don't think
this world is gonna change the way it
needs to until more of us are fucking
feral goblins.
Just saying.
I have been fucking glued to my Instagram
a
And we just need more feral goblins. That's
all I'm saying. Yeah.
Anyway I agree.
Silent asked if we talked about our new
lamp yet. No. We haven't. So our new
lamp
is Lola. Lola is our new lamp.
She has to wear a cone of shame
for a couple weeks. Yeah.
Well, she's she's had the problems with her
eye Mhmm. For some for a couple years
now. One. If you ever seen a picture
of her, she comes I mean, I know
we talked about it when it was all
sort of happening. Yeah. It's a very hazy
eye from an old injury.
It doesn't usually impact her negatively
Correct. But in the past,
a little bit It it has. And,
you know,
day before yesterday, actually, it was, you know,
kinda saw something that was
has both going, that's not quite right. That
eye was swollen and pink and yucky looking.
So we,
got got a hold of the
Veterinary
ophthalmologist.
Yeah.
That's wild to me. And, they were able
to get us right in, and apparently it
was mostly a good thing.
There were there had been some change in
her eye.
One of the things
that I do with the eye drops
twice a day,
to keep the eye from
ulcers.
Mhmm. Right? And said, oh Yeah. And, Ulcers
within the eye because of the imbalance of
the fluid. Correct. They were explaining it to
us, and I was just like,
okay. Just
tell us what to do. Yeah.
So,
she is,
to keep her from from rubbing at her
eye because it it does get uncomfortable. And
they think that's part of what was happening.
Her eye was uncomfortable. She was rubbing or
scratching at it. Then she created an like
a sore ulcer in the corner of her
her eye, but not her eyeball.
Yeah. And so every time she would go
and scratch or rub at it, it would
make it worse and couldn't heal
up. So they Yeah. They were like cone
of shame. Yep. Cone of
shame. So we we she is now in
in cone of shame.
I am three times a day, I am
putting
a drop
of
antibiotic
Mhmm.
And then four times a day
with the other eye drops. And that is
about
the fluid
in the
That one helps remove the fluid that If
there's a pressure, if there's too much fluid
buildup and
Mhmm. And all of this is because at
some point, unbeknownst to us, maybe the cat
scratched her, maybe something else, she got an
injury in her eye.
And instead of just healing and going away,
it
it developed this cloudy thing.
And the more it developed the cloud thing,
the more the
fluid pressure thing anybody who understands eyeballs will
understand this way better than I'm explaining it.
And
yeah. The what I so we have now
she pointed it out at our appointment. We've
now met with every vet at the veterinary
ophthalmology
office. Yes. We have. Which is fine. They're
all lovely. Yeah. They they really are. They're
wonderful people. Yeah. So this
one explained what
we might be looking at in the future.
Yeah. And then that is surgery. You know?
She's like they said, we're gonna try, you
know, help you keep this at bay,
which means drops four times a day when
it was two times a day. Yeah. Taking
care of Lola and her meds is JB's
part time job. I I don't even get
mad that I am on cat litter duty
and cat pee duty
so often because, you know what? At least
I am not organizing
Lola's meds. She has her own, like I
I organizer pill I I had to get
a pill organizer for her,
because things were getting, you know, she takes
this then, and she gets that now, and
and then, of course, there's later. Right. You
know, I mean, she, you know, she she's
getting to be an older gal and she,
you know,
and,
yeah. She she's on some different she's on
some supplements. She's on some medications.
So, you know, yeah. I I
I I tried so many different things,
you know, to keep straight with it, and
I I finally was like, no. I I
got the,
the pill minder. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that has
been a wonderful thing. And you should thank
God she is so good at taking pills.
Yeah.
Because she'll eat almost anything. Right. Right.
We don't have to fool her, trick her,
just pop it in with something. Because Saki,
we had to,
Oh, yeah. He would eat around it if
you didn't hide it. Yeah.
The cats are not like that at all.
I hope I hope, knock on wood, we
never have to give them a daily medication.
Oh my god.
I was going somewhere with that. Yeah. I
can't remember where I was going with it.
But it's the eye drops. She hates and
I don't blame her. I don't like anything
coming in my eye either.
But that is when you get you talk
about it a lot, the reminder that
we know with pitties, I'm sure with other
dogs, when they don't want to be moved,
they won't that head gets so heavy. It
it does. It puts all like, that's all
her weight into it. Yeah. I don't know
what she's doing. I know. It's it's funny.
You know, she she tolerates
the eye drops. And because she's a very
good one. She she is. She's she really
is. We're very lucky. And,
you know, but she
lets me
know her displeasure.
I think it helps. Because get that
that
that that pity grunt,
and then the head just kinda Her head
now weighs a million pounds. Mhmm.
But, you know, you have
you know you know the girls in your
life. Okay?
Much like her mother, Lola is quite food
motivated.
And so I think she also tolerates it
because she knows. She's getting the good snack
Right. After. Yeah. She and and she does,
you know.
Yeah. She she gets a good snack for
it. Yeah. So Now I think I might
have mentioned this last week
because
I had made the call and JB had
clutched his pearls, worried I was just gonna
send Lola off with a nefarious stranger or
something.
So when we go out of town in
February,
we have to board Lola, and we can't
board her at the vet. So I guess
this is the only place probably because that
other place never called me back. Okay. So
found the highest rated
places that, you know, dog border boarding places.
And the vet actually recommended these people. And
the vet recommended this one, and we
scheduled
our tour of the facility Mhmm. And their
meet and greet with Lola. Yeah. And Lola
will stay there for a few hours to
have a little,
She gets like a,
you know Yeah. Little field trip.
A doggy daycare
kind of thing. And if they do not
immediately love her, I'm not leaving her with
those people. Because I haven't met
a dog person. Like non dog people, I
get it. But dog people?
The only
dog people I've ever come across who did
not immediately love her,
we didn't like them anyway.
Like, before
before they gave Lola the cold shoulder Right.
We didn't like them. Yeah. Because here's the
thing.
We had a neighbor. The person who used
to own this house we bought it from,
she was terrified
planet.
I will
I creature on the planet.
I will I will hear
no argument on that. That is fact. Okay?
So, yeah, if they don't immediately fall in
love with her see Something's wrong. Right. For
her, it's gonna be, are you feeding me
and are you rubbing my my belly? And
if anybody does that, she's she's fine.
So yeah. JB does not doesn't have to
worry that I'm just gonna, like,
stick her in just any, you know,
ratty old rundown motel for dogs.
He gets to go tour the facility.
I tried to call. I did call. I
had to leave I've made a phone call,
so many fucking phone calls, with the other
place
to say, hey. Do because they didn't say
on their website if they offer tours or
anything like that.
And I was like, you know, is this
something you offer? Please let me know. Give
me a call. Blah blah blah. And they
have, like, on their voice mail, they're very
explicit. Like, these are the hours we will
not be returning calls because we are working
with our dogs. Blah blah blah. Yeah. That
was two days ago. And I was like,
apparently.
That's a lot of work.
Silent
Silent said, well, that's the trick, I guess.
If Kayla wants to hear more good girl,
she needs to start using eye drops.
Let me tell y'all, I am so ugh
about eyes. If I ever had to use
eye drops,
JB would have to hold my head and
do it for me like he does for
Lola.
The the only saving I'd need to,
tie you down. The only saving grace is
he would not have to get on the
floor with me. He could sit, like, next
to me.
But I would have to be have to
go, just daddy, just do it. Just do
it.
Also, can I have a snack when we're
done? Because I was a very brave girl.
You know?
Folks, I wanna tell you I wanna tell
y'all
what I do for this. It's so cute.
Okay? She
you know, she may joke, I may not
call her a good girl all
the time. Alright. This one fell in love
with the lime diet Cokes. Oh, y'all. Yeah.
I'm so sad. It was just like a
seasonal or a turkey. Right. Over the holidays
and then it then and then it vanished.
We were out yesterday and I told her
we need to go
We had to go to Walmart.
Yeah. JB had a,
a procedure yesterday.
I I they did an end
We can talk about that on Friday night
at the the chaotic
But,
anyway, I I told her we had to
go to produce section. I know. I kept
going, what the fuck? And I'm thinking in
my head, I'm like, I know what food
we have. I know what food we're cooking.
Usually it usually it's for bananas. And I
had asked three times, oh, bananas? Bananas?
Mhmm.
No.
My idea was that I remember years ago,
you used to be able to get the
lemon juice in the little Mhmm. Bottles that
look like a lemon.
So I wanted to see if you could
still get that and get the lime. So
I got her a thing of lime, so
she can make her own lime Cokes at
home. I could have put more in this
one today and I Okay. I'm experimenting because
you
you can put not enough in and just
add more, but you can't take it out
if you put too much in it. And
I'm not trying to ruin my diet Coke.
Well, I don't know if you saw on
the thing. It said, I think, one tablespoon
Two tablespoons
equals the juice of one One medium lemon,
I think. Lime. Yeah. Or lime. Yeah. Sorry.
And, typically, what I've when I've had
Diet Coke with Lime, like, at a bar
made for me, whatever whatever, it's like a
wedge. It's like just a little bit. Yeah.
It's refreshing. It's, you know,
still good. And here's the thing. If Diet
Coke is already 99%
water
and I add in lime juice,
which is some percentage of water. And it's
fruit. Right? Yeah. Fruit. So basically So you're
drinking sangria. Right? You're drinking sangria. No. I
am both meeting my water intake hydration goals
for the day
and getting a serving of fruit.
This is basically a salad. Okay?
At least you didn't say it was a
smoothie. No.
God. And it says I could add more
Diet Coke. Only if I have room in
the cup. Only if I have room in
the cup can I add more Diet Coke?
So,
yeah, it was very sweet. I'm we're in
Yeah. Fucking Walmart.
And there's in every grocery store I've ever
gone to, there's something about the produce section
and the meat section. Everybody forgets how grocery
stores work and how carts work and where
they are in time and space.
And so I'm, like, trying to get through
the crowd of people who have got their
carts in every which way. And I don't
know where he's going and I don't know
what he's looking for and he won't tell
me because he's trying to surprise me and
but I'm, like, battling
everybody
in their cart. Produce is like its own
little side quest. Oh, God. It's like this
It's laid out differently than the rest of
the store. Of all the reasons, we do
not get enough fruits and vegetables in our
diet, I think the hell that is the
produce section is a little bit of it.
A little bit.
Well, hell, even at the farmer's market.
Yeah. People, like,
crowd it
and elbow each other out of the way.
Oh my god.
So
anyway
no. I'll tell you later. No. I'll tell
you later. No. I'll tell you later. Oh,
yeah. Oh, boy. No, boy. It's weird because
I speak like, there's a term for it
and I can't think of it, but the
expression because mine is off the cuff. Like,
I just
extemporaneously?
I don't know. Words are hard.
And I kinda just have a like, there's
not always a filter from brain to mouth
in general, but
even with the mic and the camera. And
I just say what I'm thinking and I
thankfully I still have enough of a, like,
at least like a yellow flashing yellow light
slowdown situation
to go, oh, wait. No. That's not that's
not for everybody.
Alright.
Are you telling me we gotta stop Yeah.
And be done? Mhmm.
Is it because you really want me to,
like, do a good job on this, chicken
and dumpling and the crock pot recipe I'm
trying to earn? Absolutely. That's what it is.
Yeah. It's not because you're done and ready
to whatever, and you you got other things
you need to do. It's so that you
know that I will have
a better outcome of our dinner. Absolutely. That's
what it is.
That's what it is.
That's
what
it
is.
Anyway
I
don't
even I don't know. My brain just shut
off there for a second. I was reading
live chat and then I was trying to
like too. Yeah. Remember what I had been
saying so I understood the context? I'd already
forgotten.
And then my mind just, like,
wandered off the path alone.
And for, like, I guess, half a second,
it was just an empty shell sitting here.
I don't know where I was, but I
was gone.
Oh, dear. So, anyway, I guess we're gonna
go.
Friday night livestream is this week. Reminder, reminder,
if you are not paying attention, pay attention
now. New start time on the Friday night
livestream. Just the Friday night livestream once a
month. 8PM,
eight eight, y'all. 8PM Eastern to 10PM Eastern.
It's two hours now,
but we start earlier
because we are old and tired.
Okay. Alright. We're gonna go. Okay. Bye bye.
Alright. Bye. Bye.