You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four sixty one. Lords here with the one,
the only,
thank God you put up with my bullshit
forever and always. Jump around still.
I don't even know what to say to
that. I I wanna point out I have
not been throwing as much bullshit at you
for over the past couple days as you
will. That's true. That is true. Because I've
been distracted. You have. Those distractions are now
driving home tomorrow. So day after recording I'm
not sure how I feel about that.
So the bullshit is coming.
Aren't you excited? You're so lucky.
Aren't you so lucky? Look, for the record,
you consent to this. You signed up for
this.
Good thing the weather is nice. I can
spend more time in tiny shop.
You know, I'm so glad the weather is
nice too because I would be willing to
follow you out there and stand in the
tiny shop for you.
But it's too tiny.
Anyway,
so we're I mean, that's always what we're
talking about to some degree, but actually this
week, we're gonna respond to some post, from
the kinky side of Reddit because,
you know, I don't I don't think my
blood pressure needs to go up, but I
do think
what I do when my blood pressure goes
up is probably needed. I need a bit
of a palate cleanser
and clear things out.
That's that's this is my story, and I'm
sticking to it.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced sometimes on Mondays
and every Friday for your kinky pleasure in
education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
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I will forever motherfucking hate,
at loving d s and the number one.
So it's at loving d s one. Or
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where you can watch us live stream the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes.
Okay. So before we get into the Reddit
posts,
quick
reminder, our
holiday
tier on Patreon is still open. You can
join for it's $20. It's a one time
$20. You don't have to stay in that
tier. It will not exist after the holiday
season is over. But if you join or
if you're a current member, if you, like,
switch or whatever whatever,
not only will you receive a kinky a
very kink themed kinky holiday
card in the mail that will not be
kinky on the envelope, nobody will know unless
they open your mail,
with some goodies inside. You will also receive,
an invitation link to our first ever we've
never done this before so you know it's
going to be chaotic
holiday party over Zoom on December 20 at
2PM Eastern. I'm so proud of me for
just having that memorized at this point.
The link is in the places. If you
choose to stay after the holiday
du lolly is over, we've got other tiers.
You get access while you're in the holiday
tier if you come in as a a
new person. You get access to basically everything.
Everything. You get access to our Discord. You
get access to all the perks all the
other tiers get. Like, it's a good it's
a good time to, come in and check
out the full breadth of everything we offer,
through Patreon and get to come to our
holiday party if you so choose.
Link in the place is for that.
And that this week is my only
damn announcement. Announcement only. Wow. I kinda kept
it simple because I kinda fucking needed to.
I will
whine about that in the bonus section. Okay.
Let's get into this. This first one was
sent to you by Silent Wing. Thank you,
Silent. And also it has introduced me to
a subreddit I did not know existed.
And it's the subreddit is softer
BDSM,
which means there will just like we did
the hard top soft top
episode, there's probably gonna we're gonna have to
have a conversation in the future about soft
BDSM and hard BDSM because y'all know I
had thoughts
the moment I saw this.
This is pretty,
pretty straightforward.
It says, what do you say to the
people who say soft kink and BDSM is
just quote vanilla with sprinkles? I know many
of us have experienced
experienced that and I started calling,
it soft shaming. You know, the people that
think that what we do isn't kinky. What
do you say to those people?
Is there a conversation to be had about
the idea of soft kink?
I went to the subreddit's explanation. If if
for anybody who's like what the fuck does
soft kink even mean? The way they defined
it on their subreddit was it is the
side of kink that is more caregiving, nurturing,
without
pain,
humiliation.
It is the everything is meant to be
very pleasurable
without Okay. Right. Now
I do
I mean, I I do have thoughts
because
I think when we do things like soft
kink, hard kink, soft dom, hard dom, we
put people in boxes that don't allow them
to, like anyway, that's not what the question's
about, but that's that's where my mind goes
when we talk about this. Mhmm. So soft
kink is just vanilla with sprinkles. What the
fuck does that even mean? Yeah.
What the fuck?
You know,
it it's like it's like anything else. And
I mean, in this lifestyle,
it is a wide spectrum.
Yes.
Okay? Absolutely.
So, you know,
all that's doing is giving a name
to something on one end of the spectrum.
Yes.
Which I respect that. I get that. Yeah.
I mean, you know, as a personal human,
I would not use it, but I get
it. I get what we're doing. Some people
need and want names for things.
And, you know, that's that's really all that
is. You know, the
call it soft kink, soft BDSM, that should
tell you something right there. I mean, the
fact that kink is in the game, then
it is not vanilla with sprinkles. Fuck you
and that bullshit.
Vanilla with sprinkles does two things. One, I
think it,
diminishes what BDSM and kink can be. But
at the same time, it kind of diminishes
what vanilla
is. I'm sorry. Vanilla with sprinkles and you
call your partner daddy and and your daddy
gives you 10 rules and a bedtime, I
know a lot of non kinksters who'd be
like, you can miss me with that shit.
Right?
So they would not consider that sprinkles on
top of their non kink life. Like, that's
the moment you enter into anything that can
be classified under the mass of fucking umbrella
that is BDSM,
it is by definition no longer vanilla. Yeah.
It's not kinky if it is kinky. I
think
You know, what you what you just,
explained about how this, you know, may not
have,
a lot of the humiliation and a lot
of the the, you know, the masochism, sadism
element. The softer gentler side of that, essentially.
Shit.
I hate it when that happens. Shit. And
it was good too. I
bet
it was. Shit. It'll come back to you.
If you if you'd give me a couple
more, like, keywords, maybe I can Oh. There
we go.
You know, having that said, what is the
element of, power exchange
within this? What do you mean? At that
point. Well, you know, if you don't have,
say it isn't asking, you don't have, you
know, anything like that,
what how what would be the element of
power exchange? So you mean like the type?
Yeah. I mean,
you know Is that a facetious question or
rhetorical question? No. No. Want an answer. It's
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. It's just
more of a
But I mean, you know, it for it
to
be kink, there's gotta be some element of
something in there. Control and somebody has given
up control. Yes. A 100%. I guess that's
what I'm trying to get at. Well, it
it sounds to me like what you're saying
is
it it is power exchange regardless of the
the flavor, the level, the how soft or
hard your pillow is. Much.
You know, vanilla was and, you know, peep
when they say people who say it, do
they mean other kinksters who somehow, air quote,
look down
on a gentler side of kink that doesn't
maybe is not quite as these are subjective
terms, but not quite as strict, not quite
as intense, not you know what I mean?
That's not cool but that's unfortunately human nature.
Is it I can't imagine it's outsiders because
most non kinksters who've never flirted with kink
in their life will look at what any
of us do across any part of the
kink spectrum
and think,
woah. That's too much. Like, that's gotta come
from kinksters.
Right?
If not ew, then, oh my god. What
are those people doing? Right? And it doesn't
and that's the thing, this whole this idea
of, you know,
our air quote, whatever this is, our side
of BDSM, whatever part of the spectrum around,
is somehow better than somebody else's part of
the spectrum or BDSM. It's all bullshit because
quite frankly, the rest of the world that's
not kinky don't give a fuck whether you're
soft or hard or moderately comfortable. And that's
and that's it. And that's all kink. And
that's the other side to this is,
it doesn't fucking matter what other people think
as long as what you're doing
and is what you want to do, you're
having fun doing it. It's something you enjoy.
Satisfying and you're not hurting Whatever. And you're
not hurting anybody. Right. Uh-uh. Yeah. I mean
Unless it's consensual. Unless it's consensual, of course.
But, you know,
pretty much that's it. Mhmm. You know? Do
it do be you. Right. Exactly. Be you.
That I think and this is not
a full on I've not thought about this.
I've not read up on this. These are
just, like, where my mind goes
immediately. It's part of why I don't even
like the soft versus the hard because there
it does a few things. One, it it
means that
there will be people on the the air
quote hard side who then
diminish or look down upon the soft side.
There will be people on the soft side
who and this is true always, so I
know this is not maybe a reason to
dislike terms but this is me and this
is how I feel. You know? Then you've
got the oh those scary kink people,
Let me just stay over here where it's
safe and it's nice. And I would imagine
anybody who has that attitude,
yeah, you're probably gonna get called vanilla with
sprinkles because if you if you are within
the kink world and you were fucking doing
kink, I don't care.
Soft mattress, firm mattress, I don't fucking care.
You decide that person's kink over there is
somehow wrong. You are just as bad as
anybody else. It's a form of kink shaming.
So Mhmm. Folks who are not into the
air quote softer side, kink shaming by calling
it vanilla with sprinkles, that's some bullshit. Stop
that. But if you were on the air
quote softer side and you're like, oh, those
scary dark kinky people who do the mean
thing, like, come on. Like, we're all just,
like, living our best deviant fucking life with
an entire world who would a 100% happily
look down upon all of us regardless of
where we're at. What what part of the
kink world we're fucking in.
So,
what do I say to people who say,
you know, vanilla sprinkles? Fuck you, is what
I would say.
Like, what what who cares? What what does
that even mean? What Yeah. What? What? What?
That's what I would say. Do you have
anything? No.
Okay.
Oh, gosh. Okay. Let's go to the next
one. K.
Some of these are long, and this is
one of them. And I gotta do that
old lady thing to get to the screen.
So here we go.
I am the, quote, third woman and got
dumped when the couple closed their open relationship.
How do I recover when the, the DS
relationship ended this ugly?
I had a sexual relationship
deep DS dynamic with a man x who
is in an open relationship.
We met weekly for over three years and
did everything that could be imagined in dreamy
DS relationship.
I am also in a very established open
relationship with my partner. My husband and I
live together and my husband knew everything about
my relationship with Man X. Man X is
in an open relationship with his wife and
they live
together. I received a message from Man X's
wife that he has cheated on her with
me. I'm in shock because Man X has
assured me that his wife is up to
date on the quality of our DS relationship
and they have been discussing it at home
just like I have been discussing it with
my own husband and updating them as the
relationship deepened and feelings and love arose for
both me and Man X. I was happier
than ever to trust their strong relationship and
enjoying the ride with Man X.
So I've been lied to and made into
a cheater without me knowing. I feel sick
and used. In their open relationship between Man
X and his wife, there has been a
rule that everything, sex, etcetera,
must be discussed before it can be done
with others.
Man X has not discussed and asked permission
but lied to his wife. Everything in our
DS relationship has been based on trust and
openness,
at least from, you know,
my perspective. That's what I thought.
So I am asking, has anyone been in
a similar situation and survived?
I recognize that it is difficult that all
contact with me stopped immediately because they closed
their relationship aiming to save it. I understand
and accept it. I'm ready to do anything.
Oh goodness. I'm ready to the wife that
gets
so the wife gets a better situation, she
is obviously crushed. There were words missing there.
Sorry. Yeah. But I can't say that it
wouldn't feel absolutely horrible when the person who
has been my partner
friend suddenly left my life without even, you
know, one conversation.
So now I'm left alone to deal with
everything. I'm not able to receive explanations or
answers to my questions of the situation.
I have also been lied to and obviously
Man X broke my boundaries by lying about
the situation.
I'm really broken and I feel guilty and
sympathetic towards Man X's wife so I don't
dare face my own sadness and bad feelings
about losing Man X because it doesn't feel
right. My sadness and sorrow feels kind of
feels greedy and twisted
when compared to what she's going through. Even
though Man X swore he loved me and
promised to be in my life for years,
in reality I feel like that was just
a lie, a worthless sub, and an easy
target to exploit and manipulate.
I find it very difficult that after years
of serving and submitting to Man X, how
can I now break our deep connection and
d s dynamic alone? How can I stop
being his sub? Am I allowed to miss
him in our dynamic still? How can I
do the healing alone? If anyone has any
tips, I will be grateful for those. Let
me back real quick while it's fresh on
my mind. Yeah.
Ninety nine point nine percent of breakups, you're
gonna do the healing alone. It don't matter
how the breakup occurred. That's part of the
breakup. If they were there to help with
the healing, you wouldn't have been broken up.
True. True. So I just wanted to say
that. Go ahead. Yeah. Where where what are
your thoughts? Because this one's a fucking doozy.
Yeah. It is.
Wow. Three years.
That
kind of And apparently lying to everybody the
whole time. Yep.
You know, I I totally understand,
being in the feels with this. Oh, sure.
Of course. Okay. Of course. But,
you didn't lose much.
No. You you lost what you thought was
a deep connection, and that person's been lying
to all of their partners Right. The whole
time. Mhmm.
Yeah.
That's,
yeah. That's a hot mess. I mean, there's
layers here because I personally again,
there's what is like
big picture probably, you know, best practices versus
personal preference.
I am deeply uncomfortable that the relationship that
they had for their open relationship is that
everything done with another partner had to be
approved by
the existing partner. I'm not personally very comfortable
with that thought because that means this person
who is not part of the the dynamic
between these two has a say over
the dynamic between these two. So that does
not excuse lying, that does not excuse,
being dishonest to both of your partners
until something like this happens.
But that may that makes me very uncomfortable
because who am I to say what you,
JB, can do with another partner whom I
have nothing to do with and that relationship
is not about me?
So my initial thought on that because it
makes again, everybody can see things differently and
fine. These are my personal opinions
because that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm already
a little uncomfortable about what was going on
over there anyway. Mhmm. That does not excuse
him lying. That does not excuse Yeah. You
know, not
if he agreed to follow those fucking rules,
then he should have fucking abided by them
unless he, you know, renegotiated.
I'm I would be curious to know how
the wife approached this partner. Mhmm. Was it
accusatory,
which it is not this partner's fault, if
they were basing
their what they did on what their partner
told them Right. What the this dude told
them.
Or was it, hey. You need to know
this?
I don't know. Yeah.
I can understand
from
a
you are my spouse who, you know, we
did this thing open thing, but you lied
for three years. I can understand not
being
comfortable
with there being ongoing communication
with that partner, but it is not
we have to assume what we read here
is fairly accurate. It is not this sub's
fault. Right. And And they have now been
left hanging
with nothing. Now
no
hey, I fucked up. No. Hey, I meant
this, but, you know, I've gotta go do
this. It sounds like it's been just everything
shut down. And and that that's what I've
been thinking too, you know. I I hope
this person does not internalize it. They are.
Clearly from this their questions they have. They
are saying to themselves and out loud to
us that they don't think they are allowed
to face their own grief because the other
partner was also hurt. No. You're allowed to
grieve and be pissed off because he hurt
both of you. Exactly. Because he lied to
both of you. It it it is not
your fault. Mhmm. Okay? It is not your
fault. You were lied to just as much
as the wife was lied to. I know.
And there's a part of me that would
like to have that, like, movie moment of
where actually these instead of fighting with each
other, these two people, like, collaborate
to take that motherfucker down. You know, I
don't know.
But,
you know, I've Rut roast. I just feel
like if there was that much
control
in an open relationship
that a partner not involved with this other
relationship had any say, then
I can't ima and now the immediate response
is to shut
everything down to try to fix
their relationship. I'm not sure how you fix
lying to your spouse
for three fucking years.
Not sure how you fix that. But I
also wonder what other issues are there because
this is never,
the the only thing happening. There's all kinds
of other things happening. Was he under that
rule because he had done this shit before?
Was he under that rule and agreed to
it knowing he was gonna
disregard it? You know? Are there was this
never really, like, a a healthy, open relationship
to begin with, and now
this poor person
who, you know, is feels like the the
other woman
is caught in the crossfires because two people
who hadn't dealt with their shit decided to
try to make this the way they dealt
with their shit. Yeah. I Who knows? Because,
you know, the part in there where he
goes,
they were made into a cheater. No. You
weren't You didn't do shit. You didn't do
shit. He was a cheater. Right. That's and
I want this person to get angry about
that. Yeah. It can take some people don't,
and I wish more people did, but sometimes
it just takes a while. You gotta go
through the heartbreak and the grief and the
shock of all of it ending
out of nowhere and all of this stuff,
like,
learning all of these details,
and dealing with the aftermath. But what I
hope is this person gets pissed off. Mhmm.
That's what I hope is. What they need
to do.
Mhmm. Yeah. Because right now, they feel like
they have done something wrong, which
makes me curious again what was said
by their dom's wife when they were notified
of what was happening.
You know, I I get
that it is a common
reaction when you find out a partner has
cheated and lied or whatever with another human
to blame that other human
and maybe sometimes, sure, there's something to that
but often, too often, everybody was lied to
and the only person who you need to
be mad at is the one who was
lying to everybody.
And,
you know, the thing
is, in whatever way this breakup occurred, and
this is this is wild and there's a
lot here,
it
I haven't come across folks yet who
who cared about their relationship and the fact
they were in this power exchange who don't
feel some level of heartbreak. That's across genders,
that's across roles, doms, subs, switches that don't
fucking matter. If you are invested in this
relationship and the way we connect in power
exchange in ways that you don't typically connect
in non kinky relationships,
it is devastating, and that is a a
commonality amongst most of us, if not all
of us. And it's a grieving process, and
you you kinda just have to get through
it as best as you can.
Mhmm. I worry for this person because they
are holding on to guilt that is not
theirs to have. Right.
They took this person at face value. They
believed they were being told the truth.
If there was no mechanism by which and
we never have it in our life. I
don't need to meet his partners because I'm
not fucking overseeing it anyway. It's not my
fucking relationship.
So I don't tend to mix and mingle,
but some people do.
Maybe this is a situation where it would
have been better if there had been mixing
and mingling because then more things come out
into the open. I also
do not,
fault anyone for not doing that. I don't
do it. But
that that's the thing. This person could only
go by what their partner was telling them
and the trust over three years. Like, if
we're talking three months, I'd be like, oh,
baby, you've been lied to. Like, there's there's
probably a red flag there. But weekly
for three years, that's a long fucking time.
Yeah. It is. That's a long fucking time.
The one thing I would probably recommend in
this situation to this specific person,
assuming your husband is, you know,
open and willing to, I would lean on
them. I'd, you know, I'd be like, you
can't fix this for me, but can I,
like, come cry to you for a minute?
Can I just come sit with you and
be sad? Lean on your shoulder. Right. Exactly.
But the the getting the getting through it
and the dealing with the feelings, that's just
a time thing. And the longer you were
together
and also the
the wilder slash more devastating
in way it ended, the longer it can
take, but I think this person will
be served by getting pissed off. Mhmm.
Mhmm.
So Yep. I mean, that's I agree. I
agree. This is one of those situations where,
well, you're not actively seeing anybody right now.
When you are, I have, you know, thoughts,
feelings, but I
I don't insert myself.
You know? I'm gonna be there for you
and if you ask my opinion, that's our
rule. I'm like, I won't tell you anything.
I will not offer unsolicited advice about your
relationships that I'm not a part of. But
if you ask me,
I will tell you and you can't unhear
that.
So we, you know, we try to tread
carefully, but when he's ended a relationship or
it ended badly,
you know, he knows he can come to
me. I'm gonna,
you know, I am that person that the
other person could have been a saint but
I'll be like yeah they sucked. Yeah they
totally suck. You're the best. I'm I will
hype you up.
You know? I'm gonna be like, do you
need,
you know,
sugar?
How much candy or cookies or do you
need cake? What what do you need to
eat to feel your feelings right now? Right?
Like that's
that's to me that's my role. My role
is to be okay with it if I'm
okay with it, to be honest if there
are times I'm not okay with something, and
then to get the fuck out of the
way and be open to com, you know,
communication, but
that that's, you know,
that's sort of my view. And I know
there are so many ways to to do
open relationships and and nonmonogamy,
and Mhmm. You gotta find what works for
you. I do think that the more prescriptive
and the more, like, 85,000,000
rules that people
have, I don't know. I think
I think
it I think it makes things complicated.
Yeah. And if you're dealing with somebody who's
not real good at integrity,
they're gonna lie. They're gonna find loopholes.
And I was like and all I can
think is that's not this is not a
person to be in an open relationship with.
This is not a person to be in
an
open relationship with.
This is not a person to be in
an open relationship with. No. No. I would
be very curious about what occurred in their
relationship for them to have these kind of
rules,
what was going on, and then what that
conversation is behind closed doors now that everything
is shut off.
Lola
agrees.
Lola agrees.
Honey, you're not alone. We're in the same
damn room with you. Right? You're looking directly
at us.
She's looking at us with judgment, though.
She's looking at us with judgment.
Okay.
Okay. Next one. Hopefully
hopefully
Lola will let me read it.
Do you need to go give her belly
rubs while I read?
Okay. Can you can you focus on this
while you're doing that? Okay.
The difference between play and abuse.
So,
real quick content warning,
mentions of but not descriptive of sexual assault
are in this. If you're watching on video,
I will wave my hands. If you are
on the podcast, you want to,
get past this, scoot forward by like a
minute and a half just to give yourself
some buffer. Okay. Here we go.
This post is very emotional. It was hard
for me to share this, but I just
have to get it off my chest. A
few weeks ago, I wrote a post saying
that if a person ignores red flags, it's
their own fault.
Karma will
get you. Funny enough, while I was writing
that post, I was doing exactly that myself.
I should let me apologize. That was not
karma. She did not this person does not
deserve that, but be careful when you start
pointing at what whose fault is what, is
all I'm saying. Just be very careful.
A potential partner I was talking to seemed
perfect at first glance and even at second
glance. So perfect that I ignored things I
normally never would have. He mentioned that sometimes
he didn't wanna use a safe word. Fine.
I could try to understand that. He acted
aggressively, insultingly, and dangerously,
but mixed it with a play so that
so much that it was impossible to tell
whether humiliation was acceptable and where he crossed
the line. Maybe I just don't understand what
TPE means? Then he clearly made me feel
that my opinion wouldn't matter. I thought maybe
it's for my own good. I started doubting
my own behavior, the reality of what was
happening, myself, and everything I knew. And yet
I was fully aware of the manipulative tactics
he was using but I still fell for
it consciously.
Fuck. And I almost made him my met
him in person and I'm sure how our
first meeting would have ended.
With my
sexual
assault. Now I need to cut off all
contact and for the first time I realize
that I'm scared. That communication gave me such
an adrenaline rush that I ended up saying
more than I ever should have. But you
know what hurts? That I rarely allow myself
to trust someone. Every time I open up
even a little, this shit happens.
How loudly I scream in the end from
hurt, pain and anger make me question why
the hell I even bother.
This text turned out quite long and I
almost forgot the question I wanted to ask
with all this chaos of my feelings and
emotions. Where do you draw the line between
intense play and abuse, especially in TPE or
twenty four seven dynamics? I understand the part
about safe words and scenes, but this is
the kind of dynamic that blends with real
life, including punishments and humiliation.
How do you separate it? I do want
to say I want everybody to be very
fucking careful how they judge who responds to
what red flags and how could you not
see it.
Because this is an example of you knew
what the red flags were and it's they
still fucked you over. Any one of us
can be manipulated. Mhmm. Any one of us.
If you think you couldn't get into a
cult, be careful, you could. If you think
you couldn't be scammed, you absolutely could. If
you think you could ignore red flags,
be careful Yeah. With that hubris because Mhmm.
Yeah, you can.
And that's the thing that I was being
snarky about in the beginning. She did not
deserve any of this. Mm-mm. But just be
careful. Future y'all, be fucking careful with your
judgment is all I'm saying. Mhmm. Because it
can happen so fucking
easily sometimes.
So
I feel very bad for this person.
Mhmm. I am so curious
from a psychological
standpoint of what was going on. What was
this person doing for you or making you
feel that you could see a red flag
and ignore it? Because that means there's something.
Something was being,
tapped into you for you that was
felt made you feel something you desperately wanted
to feel
in order to be able to go, oh,
that is that okay? And
other life advice, if you are questioning, is
this okay? It probably is isn't. Your instincts
are screaming at you.
But that's those are my thoughts on that.
Before we get into her questions, do you
have any her specific questions, do you have
any overall thoughts? Other than it's horrible. Well,
yeah. Other other than that, not really yet.
No. Okay. So here are the actual questions
that we got into.
Where do you draw the line between intense
play and abuse?
Consent.
It is did you want that? You didn't?
It's not okay. Did you negotiate that? You
didn't? Then it's not okay.
And and and the major difference
is that in in a power exchange, a
single word stops it. Right. And that is
and this I think this person either does
not know this or has forgotten this. Even
in total power exchange, even in twenty four
seven dynamics Mhmm. Right? There must be a
mechanism to stop. Now some people won't do
safe work. They'll do something else. I don't
give a fuck what you figure out for
yourselves.
It has to be discussed and what happens
if something is happening that is outside of
my boundaries, that I cannot handle, that I
do not want. How do we fucking stop
it? We use safe words in our everyday
life. Now we kinda use them jokingly, but
we know the moment one of us pulls
out red that we're serious. Right? We can
do it while laughing because, like, we're
we're almost at that edge if if the
other pushed too far, now we're gonna be
mad.
But, yeah.
Yeah. Like, the the line between play and
abuse is and it's a different line for
everybody, but it's pretty fucking clear. From the
moment you're like I'm cool with this to
nope, don't like that, don't want that,
scared of that, not happy with that, don't
consent to that, like, whatever that is for
you, that's the fucking line. And it can
change moment to moment, day to day, activity
to activity.
They could have done it yesterday and you
were like, I'm cool with this. They could
do the same thing today and it hits
you wrong. I'm not cool with this. And
that's all fucking legitimate. Mhmm.
And if you have not discussed how you're
gonna stop it today, right now, stop everything.
Go fucking discuss it. How are you gonna
stop this? You know, is it a safe
word? Is it a signal? What are what
are we doing here? And if you have
a partner who's like, we don't need that.
It'd be fine. This is total power exchange,
baby.
Fuck them. Okay?
Uh-uh. They're immediately unsafe. And and you know,
the the the question
they asked about,
you know, the
where is it?
The line between intense
play.
Okay? Mhmm.
That is a personal line. It is. Yep.
Okay.
Because there are
people who
love to play until they
bleed.
Mhmm.
And then there are others who play, like,
don't leave a mark.
Right. Exactly.
So, you know, it it's a very broad
spectrum.
And, again, even that gets to change from
day to day, partner partner. Absolutely. Whatever whatever.
Absolutely. Because we don't like to mark me
right before I'm gonna about to go get
naked for a doctor. Nope. It's just a
personal preference we have. You know?
Outside of that, sure. Sure. Do what you
gotta do. Right? Like, so things are situational.
And I think this kind of ultimately, it's
like, this is the kind of dynamic that
blends with real life including punishments and humiliation.
How do you separate it? And I think
this gets to something we've
kind this is like the whole purpose of
why we do this of there's a difference
between the the fantasy, the play, the fun,
the scene,
and living this every fucking day. Mhmm. To
do total power exchange or twenty four seven
or to blend your power exchange with the
rest of your life means you have to
be real fucking realistic
about
what makes sense with your actual life
and where power exchange can fit. We don't
squeeze our real life into the power exchange
and make the real life somehow fit it.
The the power exchange has to fit. Mhmm.
And, you know, sometimes it means you do
things that other people might not understand. Why
you do it? Who cares? Fuck them.
But sometimes it means, oh, when I'm in
mom mode, you don't get to come at
me
as sadist
daddy. That's not that's not the headspace I'm
in. Right?
Imagine that. If he's on a business call,
I do not have the, permission and okay
to come up and be sassy as fuck
and, you know, start, like, whining in the
background about how I want my daddy. Right?
Like,
I think some of these things
for some of us, we'd be like, well,
that's common sense. Well, we all know
common sense. Ain't all that common. We know
that we know that one person's common sense
is another person's. Oh, I never thought of
it that way. That is just, that is
just typical.
But I think there's too many people who
have this fantasy picture in their idea their
head about what power exchange is and all
these parts of power exchange that you want,
and then you're like, oh, so I have
to accept this kind of treatment
because it's power exchange even though this is
not an appropriate moment.
No.
You will
this will be a shifting thing
day to day, season to season, part of
your life, part of your life,
role that you play in life to role
that you play in life. Me at work,
you know, it was rare JB ever came
to my office, but if JB was around
me at work,
our dynamic was not obvious because that was
not appropriate for the situation.
When we're parenting our children, our child, because
the oldest you know just went ahead and
goofed the fuck up who gave him that
permission.
When we're parenting our child that is not
the place for
any of our dynamic. We have that in
place on purpose because we come at parenting
as complete and total equals. There is no
decider.
And quite frankly, in parenting, if there is
a decider, it will often default to me
as the biological mother who's been with them
since like
they were like a clump of cells. You
know what I mean? But we don't do
it that way. It is very collaborative, but
there's no decider in that as as parents.
We've made that conscious choice. But it also
means that even the playful parts of our
dynamic don't come into play in those moments.
So it's about, you know, being very clear
with yourself and very realistic about who what
are the parts of life that we have
to deal with? What roles do I have
in life
outside of this dynamic
and where can this dynamic fit or not
fit at all.
And
that's regardless of whether you do punishments and
humiliation. First of all, punishments?
No child is ever gonna be around. Nobody
from outside of our dynamic is ever gonna
be around for that. That's gonna be private.
That's gonna be between the two of us.
That's not gonna happen at work. That's not
gonna happen in the grocery store. Not obviously.
I might get like a murmured,
we'll take care of this when we get
home.
I have seen kinksters, like,
navigate it in certain ways where there can
be punishment without letting
nobody knows what's going on. Mhmm.
But, you know,
that's most of that stuff is not for
anybody else's eyes, ears, or whatever.
So, yeah, you incorporate it, but you're still
mindful
of who the fuck's around you, where you
are, and what you're in the the midst
of doing at the time. Mhmm.
And it is all personal. Every
relationship will figure out their own way that
they wanna handle it. But I think everybody's
gotta be fucking realistic about actual real life
that some of this shit don't work
all the time. Right. It's just that's not
realistic.
But the other biggest thing is the intense
play and abuse
consent, my child. Consent is the line.
Yeah. Fucking hell. If you didn't like it
and you didn't want it and you weren't
expecting it and you never want to experience
it again. It shouldn't it shouldn't happen. Right.
And and and intense play,
I mean, that's a subject term. What do
we mean by that? And what does that
look like? Because everybody's play is gonna be
a little bit different. That is also
specific to
what is happening around us right now, who
is around us right now, what role in
my life am I playing right now. Again,
intense play is not gonna happen when I'm
in mom mode. That what? That's not fucking
happening.
Intense play is not gonna happen when I'm
sick. It's not gonna happen when JB is
hurt. It's not you know? Yeah.
So this idea that, yeah, total power exchange
in twenty fourseven, it intertwines all parts of
your life. Yes. But in a realistic way.
In a way that doesn't get hopefully get
anybody sent to fucking jail.
I mean, it's at kind of as simple
as that. You know? Yeah. We're not gonna
sit in the parent teacher conference and have
him put me over his
knee. That don't
that doesn't make any sense to anybody. Right?
Right? That's the kind of like, that's how
I hear it when somebody's like,
you know, shouldn't we be able to do
this at any no. No. No. No. There
are times when it is appropriate, and there
are times when it is not. Right. And
it is up to y'all in your relationship
to decide what those times are, but I
do think,
you know, having a non consenting person
in your space would be a clear one
that that's not the right time.
Being in doing something in life that is
not about your role in your power exchange,
more often than not that's not a correct
time. Not always. There's always exceptions, but
yeah. The moment you don't want it and
it's still happening, baby you're in abuse. That's
something. And I say that as somebody who
has things happen that I I would not
request.
Right? I would not I don't want
to get hit with that toy or to
feel that sensation, but what I do want
is his attention and I want the moment
and I want the struggle and I want
to, you know, I want to be there
as it's happening.
That's my fuzzy line. But if you walk
away from it going, I hope to God
that never happens again and I'm low key
traumatized,
that's abuse.
That's not play. That's somebody taking advantage of
their Right. Power and role and control.
Mhmm. You know?
Easy on that one. Yeah.
You know, I'm keeping my
my temper sort of down a little bit.
A little bit.
Oh my gosh. Kinda, sorta. Maybe.
Okay.
Next one.
This
this one hit close to me.
I felt like others could relate.
Okay.
How often do you have scenes in your
dynamic,
dissatisfied with the frequency in mind, and wondering
what's normal? I'm good. Spoiler, ain't nothing fucking
normal. There's no such thing. Yeah. No.
I'm in a female led relationship and DS
dynamic with my girlfriend. Lately, I've come to
realize that I enjoy BDS scenes with or
without sex more than sex and have been
dissatisfied
frequency
we have sex, which is frequent, relative to
kinky scenes, which is sporadic. So they want
more kink scenes than sex, but they're getting
more sex than kink scenes. Okay.
Last weekend, for example, the only kinky thing
we did was her using me as a
footstool while we binge watch TV.
I've been hoping we could do something more
involved with bondage or impact play, especially since
this was her ex's weekend with the kids,
but that wound up not happening and I
felt frustrated.
They said, contrary wise, that's not a word
I'm familiar with, we had sex multiple times.
So let little kink, lots of sex. She
enjoys bondage and impact. She's tied me up
four times in the past two months, three
times with rope, once with bed restraints. We've
done extended spanking sessions maybe a couple of
times. I'm the one who requests slash initiates
maybe 75% of the time.
It feels like on most of our weekends
together, I hope for kinky scenes and more
often than not, we only have sex instead.
Our sex incorporates mild kink, her on top,
tugging my collar, dirty talk. It's nice. But
when we're apart, I don't dream and fantasize
about sex together like I do kink together.
And yes, I've talked with her about this
multiple times. It hasn't gone well. She felt
like I was saying she isn't kinky enough,
felt treated like a kink dispenser, and told
me that the only person who will have
a comparable kink libido is another man. That's
not true. We are in a female led
relationship. She makes most of the daily decisions
and I follow her lead. I am where
I am in my career as a result
of following her guidance. I ask permission for
things like whether I can have a second
helping of dessert. I do most of the
household chores, vacuuming the floors, doing the dishes,
and taking out the trash while she plays
video games. That brings me joy. Wiping her
toddler's poopy butt so she doesn't have to
brings me joy. I am deeply fulfilled by
serving and deferring to her in our daily
life. In our bedroom, however, I simply don't
have the her pleasure is all that matters,
my only joy is pleasing her mindset that
I've encountered online. I suspect that it would
be easier for me to claim this mindset
if my kinky libido better aligned with my
partners.
Regardless, I'm wondering if my feelings are reasonable.
I'd find it helpful to hear from others.
How often do you have scenes in your
dynamic? How often do you have kinky scenes
relative to sex?
Quick
thought. Those last two questions are irrelevant because
whatever is normal for one relationship
Is is not normal for another. Right. The
yeah. Because there's no normal amount. There's no
typical amount. There's no correct amount. There's no
you know? Yeah. There's no, like, oh, you
have to do it five times
in,
the month where we've got two full moons,
but you can do it four times in
every other month. There's only one full moon.
And then if you get a blue moon,
well, then you get six times,
one of those times is outside. It'll be
great. Like, that's not there's no
even without the coffee, I'm kinda Yeah. Yeah.
You are. So what are what are your
thoughts on all of this?
Well, you know, I I was going in
one direction
until they started talking about how they, you
know, have talked
to their partner about it. Mhmm.
And it it it almost seems like their
partner
just isn't
maybe into it
as much as they would want them to
be. Maybe so.
Maybe an incompatibility.
Mhmm.
You know, I'm curious, and we're we're not
gonna get it from here, and we'll never
get to know. How did that conversation go?
Yeah. Was this
an equal partner but a submissive coming to
their dominant going, hey. There's some things I'd
I'd really like to experience. I'd real you
know, I miss I wish we did it
more often.
You know? Yeah. Like, I love having sex
with you, but, man, I you know, that's
the kink scenes I find most fulfilling.
Was that how they approached it, or was
it some other way? Yeah. Or
was it one of those things where
they
spoke their piece, their partner said, okay, we'll
take that under advisement
Mhmm.
And then they did they push too hard?
Now I don't wanna put it all on
this person, you know, that they must have
done something wrong. It can
I think if they had said that their
partner promised and never delivered,
then they would have included that? Right. So
it doesn't sound to me like they've been
promised something, especially if their partner's like, I
feel like a kink dispenser. I feel like
that's all you want from me.
And I think that's kind of a a
hard needle to thread because I have been
the submissive that didn't want anything, please God,
I can't handle it if you touch me
right now and and you are in control
but you know I didn't consent. And I've
also been the submissive, like, oh my God,
I would kill for more scenes. And you
didn't have the
energy. You didn't you didn't have it in
you to do.
And that is
that happens, you know? What stage of life
is she currently in? What's going on with
the rest of her life, you know?
Is she doing some of these kink things
not because she really enjoys them truly, but
because she knows it brings her partner pleasure?
That will get you so far, but it
won't take you all the way. It doesn't
if you only do it for the other
person, you can and there's nothing wrong with
that, but that's not a thing that means
you're gonna want to do
it once a week, every couple of weeks.
Like, you're gonna because it's not the thing
you're seeking for for yourself. Right. It's the
thing you're doing on behalf for the other
person. Mhmm.
And there's also the whole
you know,
it is the Dom's decision. Is she not
wanting to do this because she feels like
she's being pushed?
And it's, it's, you know, it's not a
thing she gets to control and she gets
to decide with his consent, with the person's
consent.
But, you know, if she's pushed into it,
then maybe she don't wanna fucking do it
at all now.
Yeah. I'm I mean,
you know, the the questions that they asked
really are moot.
Yeah. Okay? Yeah.
And
everything else
that they're dealing with,
there are so many possible things it could
be. Right. The one thing I will say,
they ask I wonder if my feelings are
reasonable. Yes, your feelings are reasonable. You get
to want what you want and you get
to wish you had more of it. That
is a 100% valid. Yeah. A 100% valid.
But if that is so that important to
them, if it is so important to them
that it is a drain on their relationship
or they're finding less pleasure in their relationship,
then that speaks to an incompatibility between partners.
Right. Because that part that dom cannot give
you what you need. Mhmm.
You know? Yeah. You might enjoy everything else
even more if your other needs are being
fulfilled. That doesn't make anybody wrong. Just it
just means maybe there's an an incompatibility. Incompatibility.
Mhmm.
But, yeah, I think I agree with you
completely. There's there's so many reasons why's how's
it could be tone. It could be frequency,
it could be Mhmm. You know,
the thing that because there's always a side
we don't get. There's details we don't get
because we're getting it just from one person's
perspective. So did she tell you
give me some time, not right now, let
me bring it up, and then you push.
I don't know. I'll never get to know.
But,
you know, only that person gets to decide,
okay. Is this an incompatibility?
True. And now I've got to decide
that I can be happy with every so
often.
I'm very
curious.
Maybe it's because I'm
not wired this way.
I have a 100% wanted what I wanted,
and it wasn't the right time. We couldn't
do it. You didn't have the energy. Right?
At no point
in any relationship I've ever had, but certainly
not in our power exchange, has that ever
made me like start questioning the relationship or
my joy in the, you know,
sort of, what I'm getting out of this
situation. Right? Like,
if there's so much else that's good,
does that not outweigh the thing you wish
you, you know, you had more of? Mhmm.
And
are thing are you telling yourself things are
good
because you think they should be, when actually
you're missing out on something you desperately need?
You know? So Silent just,
in chat posted something that,
maybe,
apparent yeah. She says, there was more to
this one. She didn't want to plan scenes,
but if he brought something up in the
moment, she accused him of topping from the
bottom.
Well, that sucks. Yeah.
There's definitely an incompatibility there. And I'll say
this,
I don't agree with it. I think
somebody expressing their needs is never topping from
the bottom. No. But I could see somebody
who felt pressured to do something they didn't
wanna do,
and had not just said, I don't wanna
fucking do this. Yeah. This is not what
I wanna do. Mhmm. I could see that
being the reaction. I think it's not a
great reaction. I think it because that that
invalidates
the submissive partner's feelings. Correct. Because the submissive
partner gets to want what they want, and
I hear that you go find a partner
who can give you what you want. Mhmm.
And if if what this person craves is
planned scenes, like, just legit scenes that are
about the kink and not about the sex,
and that's not what she wants to do.
And
should y'all be together?
Right.
You know? Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Yeah. But that's that's the hard part of,
like, trying to answer this like, more details.
More details. Yeah.
Oh, but the questions that they asked for
anybody else who's ever like, do we do
this often enough? Often enough is subjective.
Often enough for you in your life that
your real life you're living right now Mhmm.
In this season of life that you're living
in.
Early days for us,
if we were sitting still for a few
minutes and had total privacy, we were doing
something kinky. Something was happening. And it was
delightful. Mhmm. And then in other seasons, we
were like, I love you. You love me.
We are kinky, but, don't look at me.
Don't make eye contact. Neither of us can
do this.
Not right now.
I've had on kind of the back burner
because I can't figure out how to flesh
it out as a whole episode. Mhmm. But
I've kinda had
the topic on my list,
of that feeling of, you know, sexual arousal
slash libido. We've talked about it going away,
and it's kind of coming back.
But I've had for the past several months,
I've had a similar thing with only way
I know how to call describe it as
my kink libido, my desire
for fuckery and kink that has nothing to
do with sex. And it has
often come back. And I've had, like, full
on fantasies, and I'm like, oh, I could
see how that would happen.
And, you know,
I will bring and I've kind of wanted
to see if there's a topic to that,
if there's a conversation to be had of
that, And I it's not fleshed out in
my head. But it's on the list because
it when I started having
kinky fantasies in my own head, like, not
you fucking me, but, like, all the because
I was memories of kinky shit we used
to do. It was powerful. I was like,
damn, I think your girl's back. Okay.
But we have not had
we've not been on the same level energy
wise. Right? And that's that's the reality too.
Right. But it felt good to, like, want
to get kinky.
You know? To be like, no. No. No.
I actually want you to make me cry
consensually.
This will be delightful.
But you know, there the reality is that
there are times in life where it will
feel like an incompatibility, because you will want
something that your partner cannot give you. If
everything else is good and great and you
you can be satisfied with that, then you
can make it through that season together.
But if you're being shamed for it, if,
you know, it's not
an inability due to,
you
know,
the situation that your partner's in, but just
they just don't want to. Like, you you
don't get to overcome that. There's no overcoming
that. There is deciding if you can live
with it or if you cannot.
But yeah. Yeah. The and I don't read
a lot of BDSM specific books, but man
when I finally read a good one,
that kink libido kicks back reflected real real
quick, real hard.
Okay.
So
last one.
And I think I I
I know your answer. I know my answer,
but I know there are folks who ask
this question to themselves.
I've been going to munches,
and now what? I've been involved with BDSM
for a few years, but not
but not
but that was all online
and very short term dynamics or one off
things.
That really wasn't working for me, so following
the general advice I saw a lot here
as well as other places, I joined the
local kink community and started attending a munch.
I've been doing that for a couple of
months now and I've been really enjoying it
from a social aspect, but now what? I'm
not closer to finding a partner and as
the sticky post on the group FET page
says, munches are not the place to pick
up partners.
Is there specifically dating focused events I can
attend or am I going about this in
completely the wrong way? It feels like I've
hit a bit of a wall, to be
honest.
Go ahead and give our, like,
basic answer that is so unsatisfying to most
people. I know.
They they need to get out there.
You know? They are out there. But
Munches are one thing. Mhmm.
Okay?
And and munches are great because yes, you
hang out with people, and you know, you
have the ability to talk kink and stuff,
but,
you know, to I
I think
they need to look for parties
Mhmm. Or whether there is a dungeon Sure.
In the area and
and get themselves out there.
And that's what I mean in that aspect.
You know, if you're not finding what's working,
what you want here Mhmm. Okay, but you're
enjoying the aspect of it, keep it, but,
you know, you need to branch out to
other places
at that point. I mean, that that is
yes. Definitely seek out all the spaces where
kink people might be. But the thing that
struck me was, well, you it's you don't
put the quarter into the Munch
machine and out pops a partner. Oh, true.
Yeah. True. You go to the Munch to
meet people Mhmm. And to see who you
get along with just, like, as human beings
and, oh, these might be friends of mine.
And we've talked about this before. The comments
on this post said it multiple times as
well. It was like, maybe those folks that
you become friends with end up being people
that you, you know Right. Get into a
relationship with. They might just,
you know,
introduce you to other kinky friends of theirs
that you wouldn't meet at the munch. It
opens up a a a different completely different
part of the community to you once you
just legitimately or just make actual friends friends
with people. I I think I think what
we have
is,
And two months into going to munches, that's
two munches. You not hadn't met nobody yet.
Talk about some unrealistic
expectations.
Yeah.
Yeah. You're still new in the munch. The
the folks who are regulars still haven't decided
if they like you real good yet or
not. Right?
Yeah. The old regulars are watching
because they're like, I've seen bullshit before. Let
me watch this one. And they that's a
thing some people do to everybody,
not just, you know, certain people. So, yeah,
two months is nothing in the time of
munches. And and and you know what? Putting
those kind of expectations,
even on yourself to say, you know, well,
I'm gonna go to this munch one time
and I'm gonna meet somebody.
Exactly.
No. It it it does not work that
way. It doesn't work that way. And quite
frankly, going to munches can be
either through the munch itself, but also a
gateway into
learning how to be a better kingster. Right.
And quite frankly, the thing that will make
you very attractive to other kingsters is being
a decent fucking kingster. Right. Being knowledgeable, being
responsible,
you know, understanding how to approach people and
talk to people, and I don't mean from,
like, a socially, like, acute way, but, like,
you know, the whole power exchange thing. Like,
knowing that if you're the dom, you don't
walk up to anybody and just assume dominance.
Right? Or if you're a sub, knowing that
you still get to have strong opinions and,
you know,
nobody gets to, like Right. Tell you you
can't because you're submissive. Those kinds of things.
Those sort of that part of the the
social experience of just being a kinkster out
among other kinksters, because quite frankly there might
be other people at a munch who are
like, I too would like a partner, but
they're waiting to see who
seems safe, who seems like they know what
they're doing, or, you know, who appeals to
them. And somebody might might you might appeal
to somebody, but they're waiting to see, do
they know what the fuck they're doing,
or are they gonna come back this much?
How many munches did we go to where
somebody would come once and for all kinds
of reasons, work, comfortable ability,
maybe they moved, like, all kinds of fucking
reasons. They never came back. Yeah.
So And see, I I I missed the
part about only having been to two munches
thus far. Two months is what they said,
but I know that typically is about That's
about two months is because they, know, every
month Once a month. Every once in a
while, you'll find something like every couple of
weeks or something. But And and even that,
you know, I I say go into the
dungeons and stuff to meet, but it it
sounds like
they're
on the prowl.
And that's the other thing. If you were
giving up giving off the vibe that you
were on the prowl Right. Nobody's gonna invite
you to their party Exactly. Unless they too
are on prowl. Yeah. Do you remember the
guy that gave I I think he ended
up being okay. He just must have been
socially awkward. He gave off the vibe of
being on the prowl
because if you were if you were kind
of new, he wanted to invite
you to the next party. And I was
like, bitch, I don't I don't know you.
I'm not going to the stranger's
house. Right. I'm just sitting here for an
hour with one another. It it did feel
very problematic. What what they need to do
is go to these things to have fun.
Right. To seek community. You know? Not to
have an end result in mind. Right. You
know, go go there and and, you know,
yes, meet people, make friends, you know, but
you you can talk, you can learn. But
also making friends takes time, especially in a
day and age where most of us are
connected to our phones. If you have your
group of people that you know you can
trust,
you know, it's not not always easy to
allow somebody new in. Mhmm.
I, as a person who does not do
well in social situations,
both experienced it myself but also watched, because
I love to people watch.
It sometimes takes being really consistent and showing
up certainly more than to two munches for
two months. But you gotta kind of be
there long enough to all almost get treated
like a regular. Like regulars, that's a different,
like,
level in the social hierarchy.
But if you're going often enough that the
regulars are acknowledging you, you have a shared
thing
because of the last month y'all were both
at. And that doesn't mean you go to
every single one and, you know, never miss
one. That's not what I'm talking about. It's
a it's
a a duration of being present, showing up,
proving that you are not creepy or on
the prowl or gross. Because two two months
in in a at a munch, if you
have a a solid community,
yeah, they're not gonna invite you to parties
and stuff at, you know, community.
Whole community's vibe is we're just always here
to party and we don't care about the
rest of it. Right. Those communities exist. True.
True.
And maybe that's the problem. Maybe this person
needs to try and find that kind of
community and they don't live where there's that
kind of community.
Yeah. I personally as a person who
nope, don't like that,
would not be impressed with that kind of
that wouldn't be the community for me. I'd
be like, y'all have a good time with
that. I wanna go just talk to people
who wanted to eat their french fries and
geek out over shit. Like, I just wanna
I don't want that pressure. Right? The other
thing though is,
there are kinky dating apps if what you're
looking for specifically is a partner.
Hell, people use non kinky dating apps and
just say they're kinky
and somehow, you know, find each other. So
if it really is I just want to
find a partner I can fuck around with,
go get on a dating app and just
put that you're kinky in your bio
and see where that fucking takes you.
But, yeah, you know, that's not enough a
couple months is not enough time No. To
be in the community and No. For anything
to lead anywhere, especially
if if you genuinely if your goal is
generally to to meet a partner that's maybe
gonna be a long term partner,
I know it's a very dissatisfying,
approach, but just go make friends. Yep. Yep.
See where that leads you because quite frankly,
the friends I mean, I we came I
came into your community and we were together,
so I wasn't looking for no damn body.
But getting to know just two or three
people within that local community
allowed me to meet in other ways at
other times, get introduced to other people. Because
there would be people who almost never got
to come to the munch. It conflicted with
work or something. Mhmm. But they would go
to the Friday night or the Saturday night
parties. And so the person I made friends
with
in the daytime munch
who liked me, genuinely liked me and I
genuinely liked them, would be real quick to
go, oh, you haven't met this person who
would never come to the munch, but they
went to the party
because they trusted me enough and they're like,
no, no, you're you're cool enough, I'll introduce
you to my other friends. That's how some
of this works. True. You know?
True.
But yeah. You know?
It's
if you treat the munch like, I know
I can't get a date from here, but
I want I have this goal. I'm here
to accomplish it. Mhmm.
You know, I sometimes it gives off a
vibe. Yes. Indeed. It's also gonna always be
dissatisfying because this stuff moves slower. People want
it to have happened yesterday,
Nope.
The the most dissatisfying thing
that I have experienced that I had to
explain to the 20 year old and then
he experienced it and he realized that sometimes
your mother knows things,
is that the
the lightning in a bottle kind of I
met a person I can see myself with
long term
Tense, not always, but often happens when you
genuinely
least expect it. When you weren't looking for
it, when you maybe didn't want it, when
it didn't matter to you. The harder you
try for something like that, you either don't
find anybody or you find the dregs of
our kink society.
You find the worst of the worst. When
when I was younger, I was
single for,
you know, a good bit. Mhmm. And,
I just went out and enjoyed myself. I
mean, I went out to dinner by myself,
went to movies, I even went to concerts.
Sure. You know,
I looked at it this way, I just
because I'm not with somebody, I'm not gonna
miss out on life. I'm not gonna miss
out on doing the things I enjoy.
Right.
And also there's kind of a confidence that
even if you're not feeling it, you're projecting
from that. You've just
I'll use this person as an example. They
went to the munch. They
ordered a meal or a coffee or whatever
the place was, and they got into casual
conversation with people where it was appropriate, and
they just existed.
And they weren't like, who can I make
friends with? Who haven't I said hi to
yet? You know, that that alone will sometimes
it'll take a while. It'll take a while.
We are now officially kind of a, you
know, culture,
Western culture at least, that doesn't have a
lot of third spaces anymore, places where you
go to connect with community. Munches are a
100% that. Dungeons, play parties,
community
areas for kinksters are our third spaces. If
you don't know what that term means, quick
Google should explain it.
But most of us are out of practice
of how what it means to just make
friends and connect with people who aren't through
our screen, And
that
shit takes
time because all of us are waiting to
see if everybody else that's
we're not familiar with is the real deal.
Every one of us on some level is
like, are they gonna show back up again,
or
are they okay? Are they safe? Or do
I connect to them? Do am I getting
a vibe off of you know what I
mean?
And it's an imperfect,
messy, squishy,
nonscientific
thing of
people getting to know one another and deciding,
sure, I'll hang out with you. Sure, I
like you. Sure, you can come back. You
know what I mean?
Whatever.
But it you know? I think if it
ever happens quickly and easily for you, I
need you to understand how lucky lucky you
are because that is not everybody's experience.
Right. It was very satisfying to talk through
the 20 year old who was having an
existential crisis
about, you know, being lonely
and, you know,
wanting a partner that they could, you know,
connect with whatever, whatever. And I did the
whole speech of it. When it happens, it's
gonna come out of nowhere. It will be
when you least expect it. And then currently,
damn if that's not how it happened.
And I did get the,
you right, mom. You right. I was like,
thank you.
Write that on the calendar.
But it is the dissatisfying answer because a
lot of us think, oh, but if I
just complete this five step plan
and I check all the things off the
to do list, ta da, I have
completed
partner. You know? I have completed relationship. Gee,
it's only gonna work that way. I will
put my my coins in the partner's, you
know, machine and one will pop out. I
put in the, appropriate behaviors. I went to
the right places and, boom, here they are.
And no.
No.
No. No. Nothing. None of it works that
way.
So
yeah. Yep.
Anyway Any of it. That was the last
one. Okay. So,
thanks to Silent Wing for the one you
sent that you had forgotten you sent.
I have seen the one Silent has already
sent me as well. Hey. If you are
on
the kinky side of subreddit or subreddit. The
kinky side of Reddit on some of those
subreddits or kinky questions come up in places
you did not expect them to, feel free
to send them because I will a 100%
compile them
together
to make another episode.
Same.
We did this one today because
the week's been a doozy already.
I needed something easy. And this was Yeah.
It has. Yeah. It has. So now, Lola
seems satisfied with some attention. Yep. She's getting
she's getting head scritches. Yeah. And we can
go into a bonus section.
Please don't knock into the
oh. Oh, the camera. Oh, gosh.
Okay.
She look. She's a menace, but she's our
menace. That's true. Mhmm. And and I love
that menace. Right now? Alright. So are we
good? Sure. Why not?
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you
next week.
Howdy.
Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the
crickets? Sure.
Okay.
I'm very tired.
A lot of that going around. Yeah.
Part of it, I didn't we didn't sleep
in this weekend
because my mother is up and moving at
very early times.
And I I think I've gotten to see
her every day she was in town. She
came in on Thursday,
my birthday,
and is leaving
tomorrow day after the the recording on the
stream
Thursday, but we won't see her tonight, Wednesday
night,
because she sticks close
to home slash her sister's house right before
she travels. Yeah. She's washing her laundry. She's
gassing up her car. She washed her car.
I'm very happy for her. But if we're
gonna do something with her, she's like, I'll
be there around eight. I'm like,
okay.
But
she's not
overly judgy.
But if she waltzed in this house at
8AM and I was still in my pajamas
and had sleep in my eye,
I I would get side eye and a
comment.
So I've been waking up either at our
typical time, even on the weekend, or earlier
and making sure I've had a shower, I
put my clothes on. When she walks in
the door, we can do whatever the fuck
she wants. What do we do? We sit
for two or three hours and talk, which
is a wonderful thing,
But also it's like I
ran around and got the shower in
early, and I'm ready to go someplace and
I haven't gone anywhere. Excuse
me. Sorry. Went down the wrong way. It
will clearly just have a sip of water.
It was because of the water that Oh,
okay. The water betrayed you? Mhmm. Mhmm.
Okay.
Mhmm. So yeah. I mean, I don't mind
so much because when You were already fucking
up. Well, I'm already up. And she brings
coffee most of the time. Most of the
time. Yeah. Yeah. I had to stop her.
I was like, mom, it's been, like, two
or three days in a row. We're good.
We're good. We have coffee here. It's fine.
I said, if you wanna get something, cool.
Feel free. But you don't have to.
But, yeah, I've also
I don't I don't know if I'll ever
come to terms with it, but I am
calmer
about the reality
that
I don't know how to pivot when my
typical routine
is disrupted. Yeah. I just have to swim
in the discomfort of
this is not how my days go, and
I don't know what to do with myself.
So, like, when my mom is around or
when we had activities,
I'm invested in the activities. We're doing the
thing. Mhmm. But when she was gone and
it was like a weird part of the
day, and I had done the activity, and
now I had, like, four or five hours
left of, like, I could be doing something.
My brain was like, we don't know what
to do. This is not when we start
our work day. We that was hours ago.
This is like, what is I don't know
what to do.
So
I just sort of embraced it and went,
we're gonna do the bare minimum this week,
and it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be
fine. We are not
brain surgeons around here.
Nothing we do
constitutes an emergency.
Nothing we do is like life or limb.
Like nobody
will needs us to keep them alive. You
know what I mean? Like it's it'll be
fine if I just do the bare minimum.
And then tomorrow, day after recording, because we
make poor decisions in the past for future
us,
we will get up at, what, five something?
Yeah. We'll roll into the car. We have
we have to get blood work done every
six months because we're old and on medications,
and because we have a doctor's appointment coming
up. But we do it they're fasted blood
tests, so we do them as early as
the place will let us. Well, that's 6AM.
Yep.
And it's a twenty minute drive,
and you gotta have time to, like, open
your eyeballs and put clothing on and, you
know,
not Lot of stuff. Yeah. Not, you know,
be committing a crime by showing up naked.
And so
it's not like a wake up five minutes
before you gotta be there kinda thing.
And we did that to ourselves. Mhmm.
So I asked JB. I was like, this
weekend, no matter what we have planned, can
can I can we sleep in? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please, please, can we
sleep in? Please. Please. I just wanna sleep
in.
In. So
Yep. But yeah. So it's been quiet other
than that. Mhmm. I was just watching Lola
a minute ago. She was doing her little
tail chase. Oh, gosh. She's got the quintessential
pity ears going where they're both flopped forward
a little bit. Mhmm. Oh, good. She's also
licking my bubble wrap. That no. Oh, she's
in a nibbly state. She's nibbling my bubble
wrap.
Mhmm. No. Really. Please don't nibble my bubble
wrap, ma'am.
You got all your toys over there. You
can nibble your toys. The other night we're
sitting on the couch together and she started
doing those pity nibbles on blanket. On her
blanket that's covered in fur. She does not
usually get under it. She does not usually
nibble on it. She usually plants her ass
on it. And I was like, why are
you nibbling it now?
So, yeah, she's was very happy to see
my mother. Oh, yeah. Typical kind of, like,
stereotypical kind of that's my grandma kind of
behavior,
following my mother around.
Yeah. When she when my mom would give
her attention, which was as often as she
could, my mom loves animals,
she'd be given Lola attention, and Lola would
be looking up at her with pure,
like, adoration in her eyes. Like, I love
you, and I love nobody else as much
as I love you. Can you please stay
forever?
So
yeah.
Yeah. We had a you know, it was
a good time. We didn't It was.
When my mom needed a break from her
sister, she would that's when she was here
at 8AM. I was like, oh, is is
it is it getting rough over there? She's
like, it's fine. I'm like, that doesn't sound
like it's fine.
Well, when she came over
was it Monday?
It might have no. She came over Sunday,
and then she came over early Monday. So
Sunday, she came over for a while, but
then she spent the rest of the evening
with them, I think.
And I have no sense of time. Monday
morning she shows up 8AM bright and fucking
early, and she was like I almost got
roped into a religious conversation, but I'm here
now. I'm like well we will not be
talking talking about that, so you don't have
to worry. That will not be the topic
of conversation
in this house.
And then, we were very happy with the
different,
election results from across the country this week.
And so was my mother, and she got
to talk to somebody about it. She is,
like,
the only Mhmm.
She's a teeny tiny little blue dot in
a in a sea of red where she
lives. So she doesn't usually have anybody she
can talk to about, though. I know.
So
Yeah. That was a very pleasant,
Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was very nice. That
was a little
bit that was nice to see those results,
including there were some results in Mississippi that
were pleasant,
really surprising. So that's always nice.
But,
yeah. So now she goes home day after
we record this, and it'll be another six
months.
Mhmm.
And I love having her I really love
it when my mom comes because she's no
drama. She's like, let's go do some shit.
Mhmm. She's like, I know you're broke, but
I'm not, so let's go. I'm like, you
know what? I'm gonna fucking let you. There's
gotta be perks of being an only child
even when you're 46.
But it is also one of those things
with that I miss her when she's not
around. I love having her here, but, man,
I'm I'm so looking forward to getting my
schedule back, getting my routine back. Yeah. Yeah.
So looking forward to it. Yeah.
But
I know. You and I feel like things
have been cattywampus
the last few days. They've been chaotic in
a way that,
you know,
I don't dislike, but it throws me off
kilter, like, way off kilter. Yeah.
But I've embraced it. And today is my
last day of, we're just doing the bare
minimum around here.
Tomorrow, get my ass back to work. Yes.
Yep.
So Yes, indeed.
Anyway, anything else you got? No. That's pretty
much it. You know, I just
yeah. Just no.
Yeah. I mean, y'all, that's it. Their whole
life was has been consumed by family visits,
so Yeah. Nothing interesting to report.
I'm a little fried, so,
you know,
can't really think of too much stuff.
And all all the chaos with your with
your mom visiting
and
couple that in with a time change and
Yeah. I've I've seen a lot of people
say this online,
and I it's true for me as well.
The older I get, the harder
time changes to adjust to. Yeah. That there's
no extra hour of sleep when we fall
back. There is just I'm just up that
much earlier. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. It's
fine.
This is fine.
And that yeah. That, I think, made a
difference too. I haven't I haven't adjusted. The
cats, Lola, none of them have adjusted. None
of them. No.
No.
They can't tell time, unfortunately. Mm-mm.
So
Yep.
Alright. Okay. That's it.
Yep. Ready.
We're not ending on a bang. We're ending
with a whimper and not even, like, the
sexy guy. Like,
petered out completely.
So like a a wind up doll that
just finally goes
Or like a balloon that just Oh my
god.
Yep.
Oh my god. I think you broke me.
I think I'm melting.
We're gonna go. Thanks y'all for being here.
Joining us. Especially the bitter end. We appreciate
you, and we will be back next week,
hopefully.
Smidge more energy. Mhmm. That's the plan. Uh-huh.
Okay. Bye. Bye.