You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only, the,
oh my gosh, we are back to doing
these short episodes. Do we remember how? John
Brownstone? No. I don't. Me neither.
And we gave ourselves a time crunch because
as of recording, we're supposed to be streaming
in thirty minutes. So this has to be
an actual
short episode. You have. We have to get
to the point of which I'm doing an
awful job of doing.
It's all on you, kid. It is. We're
back,
with our q and a episodes after our
summer hiatus.
And this time, we've got a question from
somebody who's like, I think I want things
I didn't want before.
And they're having feelings.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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us your questions.
Okay. Into the question.
I'm a poly woman with two long term
partners at the moment. My boyfriend of six
years and I have a more or less
vanilla relationship with
a
dash of primal play, and lately I've been
thinking about upgrading into a more kinky dynamic.
I mostly identify as dominant and I have
topped my boyfriend a couple of times with
Rope and Impact in the early years. To
me, that didn't match with the type of
connection we have, so we decided not to
pursue kink together.
Although submission feels completely unlike me, I feel
more and more desire for a dynamic with
him as a caregiver who makes the decisions
for me. Our sex life is amazing, and
there are quite a few behaviors that would
be sexy to me if they were part
of a dynamic.
For example, sometimes when I'm at his place,
I ask him to pick my panties. That
could be a daily thing even when we're
apart. I also like to crawl into his
lap and snuggle. Snuggling like that turns us
both on. On the other hand, he is
very primal, and I love it when he
grabs and holds me or bites me during
sex. I can't wrap my head around how
these things go together.
What do I do? It feels like such
a bold idea to spring on him. Is
it even necessary to create a dynamic considering
I'm very happy with our current sex life?
Should I just leave it as it is?
Wrapping my head around possibly,
air quote, submitting is a whole other issue,
but perhaps it just takes time to change
my own belief that it doesn't suit me
at all.
Sounds like somebody needs to sit down,
have a cup of coffee, and a conversation.
Yeah. The the most basic and Yeah. First
answer is everything you have just said here,
please say to your partner. Right. They need
to know these things. Mhmm. So that's that's
the obvious. Let's dive into some of the
thoughts you're having and some of the hesitation
that you have.
There's
nothing that says that outside of your sexual
dynamic, you can't, assuming your partner is willing,
crawl into his lap and snuggle or
do some things he tells you to do.
There there's there's no rule that says if
you do this kind of sexual play or
this kind of dynamic, you can't do these
other things as well.
It does, I think, take getting your mind
wrapped around it, though. Because I I haven't
seen the rule book yet. No. And I
would not believe the rule book. Mhmm.
I'll throw that out.
So
I also think it's possible that because
you have a very set idea, y'all both
have a very set way of experiencing your
relationship,
it may even be hard for you to
imagine that he might want something else. You
know? These could be things that were on
his have been on his mind, maybe not
in the exact same way, but of trying
different things.
And, you know, having the conversation is what
allows you to have that back and forth
and to, you know, see what he wants,
see what he's willing to do.
It could be that he's got some ideas
you haven't even thought of and you're like,
hey. Wait. That sounds kinda good.
So yeah. Meeting of the minds. Absolutely. Mhmm.
The whether you should pursue this, you know,
because you're happy with your sex life, I
think there's a false dichotomy there.
Having other desires does not mean that you
are somehow unhappy
with your current sex life. It's not again,
it's not a this or that. It's an
and.
It's a I like this
and I like that. And and you know
it's one of those things too with with
kink. Well,
if you
try it
and see if you like it, sometimes try
it twice,
you know, to see if you like it
and make a decision based on that. You
you know, sometimes you can't make
a a educated decision
unless you try something. Right. And sometimes you
try it and immediately know that know that
you don't like that and that's good information
to have. Uh-huh. It doesn't mean you failed.
It doesn't mean that your desires are somehow
wrong or you got it wrong. It could
be, if you find that out after you
try something, that you're chasing a feeling and
you thought that feeling was tied up in
that
activity. And there are other ways to achieve
the feeling. I'm I
feel
like I understand a little bit of the
dynamics you're talking about because to a certain
extent, we have very similar dynamics.
JB is a daddy dom. He's very much
into, here, come come snuggle with me. Yes.
I will tell you what to do. I
will take care of you in that caregiver
way. But then also, he absolutely has the
ability to pin me down Mhmm. And get
primal.
They don't usually happen
at the same time or within a a
singular scene. It's different parts of our day
and different parts of our mood and what's
going on in our life. Says, so distant
daddy.
The two can go hand in hand.
We all contain multitudes, and our kink gets
to contain multitudes. So there's no should. Should
you leave it alone? Should you, you know,
feel bad that somehow,
like, you're implying that what you do is
not somehow enough? Air quote that enough. Right?
It's very subjective. No. You are comfortable with
this person. You are,
you know, from whatever avenue, whether it's, you
know, stuff you're watching, communities you're a part
of, you know, things you're reading, whatever whatever.
You are open to these different ways to
experience kink and it's on your mind.
So, you know, it makes sense that you
could go, Yeah, this is really good and
I'm glad we do this and, Oh, we
tried that thing several years ago and that
didn't work. A fun fact:
there's nothing wrong with retrying if there's any
interest from both of you. Just because something
didn't work a few years ago doesn't mean
it can't work now because you've grown in
your relationship and your trust and maybe your
understanding of kink has broadened.
And there are layers to all of it.
You know, just because you did something a
certain way a few years ago doesn't mean
you couldn't
explore the concept,
but just try different things as well.
So yeah. There's no should you or, you
know, what does it say about you? No.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's a matter
of
coming together with your partner to figure out
y'all's Venn diagram,
things you want, things your partner wants, where
they overlap,
and then
trying things out. Now
the other part
is wrapping your head around submission is a
a completely
other issue. Like, as you said at the
top, you, you know, identify more as a
dominant.
We contain multitudes. Let me say that again.
There are different forms of submission. So to
the extent that you
can, figure out what that means to you,
what you think submission is, and what in
that
belief about submission does not appeal to you,
and what does appeal to you. Because
for many people's submission, air quote that, is
a lot of kneeling and
yes, sir, ma'am, otherwise and, you know, being
very
modest or very,
subservient
or very,
quiet and demure,
I am here to tell you, you can
be a goblin
and a submissive.
Yep.
Chaos goblin attack.
Proudly.
So it is entirely possible that what you
want is somebody who takes care of you
without
telling you what to do at a very
specific parameters. It's also entirely possible that with
one partner, you would allow a lot more
dominance than you might with any other partner.
That is also valid.
But when you start questioning,
you know, your identity because you saw yourself
in one way and now you're like, wait,
I'm having these thoughts and these urges and
these desires
and it that feels like a conflict.
One of many things you can do is
figure out what you think that means and
then
figure out within it what you don't like
about it. Because
it is very possible you could be like,
yeah, I don't wanna be told what to
do out of nowhere, or I don't want
these kinds of rules
and that I don't like that. You can
say no to all of those things that
you don't like and still be submissive,
if that even works for
you. If you're willing to test it out
and try it, do that. If you're not
willing, if it feels too uncomfortable,
fucking don't.
No requirement just because
a passing desire
came to you that you're you have to
go test it out and see if you
enjoy it.
Not at all. Not at all. Some things
get to stay fantasy. Mhmm. Some things maybe
you do once in a scene to see,
do I even like this? Mhmm.
You know, there are so many options.
True. Mhmm. Anything you wanna add? No.
Let's go back to the top. Talk to
your partner. Literally, just send them what you
sent to us. Yeah. Bingo. You can you
can almost quote word for word what you've
written here. Exactly. What do you think about
this? Mhmm. And go from there. You know?
They it's entirely possible that it might not
be a thing they've even considered before, but
they're still like, actually, that's interesting. Mhmm. Actually,
I'm down to experiment.
You'll never know if you don't talk about
that. Exactly.
Mhmm.
So that is it.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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That's patreon.com/kaylalords,
or use the link in the show notes.