1 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,199 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,199 --> 00:00:14,615 Lords here with the one, the only, the, 3 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:15,974 oh my gosh, we are back to doing 4 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:17,815 these short episodes. Do we remember how? John 5 00:00:17,815 --> 00:00:20,074 Brownstone? No. I don't. Me neither. 6 00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:24,375 And we gave ourselves a time crunch because 7 00:00:24,375 --> 00:00:26,474 as of recording, we're supposed to be streaming 8 00:00:27,149 --> 00:00:29,230 in thirty minutes. So this has to be 9 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:29,969 an actual 10 00:00:30,589 --> 00:00:32,670 short episode. You have. We have to get 11 00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:34,989 to the point of which I'm doing an 12 00:00:34,989 --> 00:00:36,689 awful job of doing. 13 00:00:37,629 --> 00:00:39,469 It's all on you, kid. It is. We're 14 00:00:39,469 --> 00:00:39,869 back, 15 00:00:40,350 --> 00:00:42,030 with our q and a episodes after our 16 00:00:42,030 --> 00:00:42,770 summer hiatus. 17 00:00:43,204 --> 00:00:44,804 And this time, we've got a question from 18 00:00:44,804 --> 00:00:46,644 somebody who's like, I think I want things 19 00:00:46,644 --> 00:00:47,784 I didn't want before. 20 00:00:48,244 --> 00:00:49,704 And they're having feelings. 21 00:00:50,725 --> 00:00:52,804 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 22 00:00:52,804 --> 00:00:54,164 new here, we help kinksters like you have 23 00:00:54,164 --> 00:00:56,689 happy, healthy, power exchange relationships. Have the podcast 24 00:00:56,689 --> 00:00:58,289 your favorite podcast app so you never miss 25 00:00:58,289 --> 00:01:00,210 an episode. And if you have a question 26 00:01:00,210 --> 00:01:02,549 and we need your questions, please, please, please, 27 00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:04,290 we have a link in the show notes 28 00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:06,049 literally called Ask Your Questions, or if you 29 00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:08,450 go to our website, lovingbdsm.net, 30 00:01:08,450 --> 00:01:10,745 that's lovingbdsm.net, 31 00:01:10,885 --> 00:01:12,805 you can find the link there. Please send 32 00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:13,784 us your questions. 33 00:01:14,645 --> 00:01:15,864 Okay. Into the question. 34 00:01:16,325 --> 00:01:18,805 I'm a poly woman with two long term 35 00:01:18,805 --> 00:01:20,805 partners at the moment. My boyfriend of six 36 00:01:20,805 --> 00:01:22,245 years and I have a more or less 37 00:01:22,245 --> 00:01:23,569 vanilla relationship with 38 00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:24,409 a 39 00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:26,500 dash of primal play, and lately I've been 40 00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,209 thinking about upgrading into a more kinky dynamic. 41 00:01:28,590 --> 00:01:30,670 I mostly identify as dominant and I have 42 00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:32,349 topped my boyfriend a couple of times with 43 00:01:32,349 --> 00:01:34,510 Rope and Impact in the early years. To 44 00:01:34,510 --> 00:01:35,869 me, that didn't match with the type of 45 00:01:35,869 --> 00:01:37,629 connection we have, so we decided not to 46 00:01:37,629 --> 00:01:38,655 pursue kink together. 47 00:01:39,135 --> 00:01:41,694 Although submission feels completely unlike me, I feel 48 00:01:41,694 --> 00:01:43,454 more and more desire for a dynamic with 49 00:01:43,454 --> 00:01:45,614 him as a caregiver who makes the decisions 50 00:01:45,614 --> 00:01:47,775 for me. Our sex life is amazing, and 51 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,295 there are quite a few behaviors that would 52 00:01:49,295 --> 00:01:50,814 be sexy to me if they were part 53 00:01:50,814 --> 00:01:51,474 of a dynamic. 54 00:01:51,775 --> 00:01:53,694 For example, sometimes when I'm at his place, 55 00:01:53,694 --> 00:01:55,450 I ask him to pick my panties. That 56 00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:56,969 could be a daily thing even when we're 57 00:01:56,969 --> 00:01:58,969 apart. I also like to crawl into his 58 00:01:58,969 --> 00:02:01,209 lap and snuggle. Snuggling like that turns us 59 00:02:01,209 --> 00:02:03,450 both on. On the other hand, he is 60 00:02:03,450 --> 00:02:05,209 very primal, and I love it when he 61 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:06,890 grabs and holds me or bites me during 62 00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:09,115 sex. I can't wrap my head around how 63 00:02:09,115 --> 00:02:10,335 these things go together. 64 00:02:10,875 --> 00:02:12,555 What do I do? It feels like such 65 00:02:12,555 --> 00:02:14,634 a bold idea to spring on him. Is 66 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,115 it even necessary to create a dynamic considering 67 00:02:17,115 --> 00:02:19,215 I'm very happy with our current sex life? 68 00:02:19,275 --> 00:02:21,134 Should I just leave it as it is? 69 00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:22,689 Wrapping my head around possibly, 70 00:02:23,069 --> 00:02:25,389 air quote, submitting is a whole other issue, 71 00:02:25,389 --> 00:02:27,069 but perhaps it just takes time to change 72 00:02:27,069 --> 00:02:28,829 my own belief that it doesn't suit me 73 00:02:28,829 --> 00:02:29,409 at all. 74 00:02:31,949 --> 00:02:34,289 Sounds like somebody needs to sit down, 75 00:02:35,145 --> 00:02:37,084 have a cup of coffee, and a conversation. 76 00:02:37,384 --> 00:02:40,264 Yeah. The the most basic and Yeah. First 77 00:02:40,264 --> 00:02:42,925 answer is everything you have just said here, 78 00:02:43,064 --> 00:02:45,145 please say to your partner. Right. They need 79 00:02:45,145 --> 00:02:47,319 to know these things. Mhmm. So that's that's 80 00:02:47,319 --> 00:02:49,639 the obvious. Let's dive into some of the 81 00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:51,419 thoughts you're having and some of the hesitation 82 00:02:51,719 --> 00:02:52,539 that you have. 83 00:02:54,599 --> 00:02:55,099 There's 84 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:58,919 nothing that says that outside of your sexual 85 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:01,659 dynamic, you can't, assuming your partner is willing, 86 00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:04,474 crawl into his lap and snuggle or 87 00:03:04,854 --> 00:03:06,954 do some things he tells you to do. 88 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:10,294 There there's there's no rule that says if 89 00:03:10,294 --> 00:03:12,215 you do this kind of sexual play or 90 00:03:12,215 --> 00:03:14,219 this kind of dynamic, you can't do these 91 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,000 other things as well. 92 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,560 It does, I think, take getting your mind 93 00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:20,219 wrapped around it, though. Because I I haven't 94 00:03:20,219 --> 00:03:22,379 seen the rule book yet. No. And I 95 00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:24,240 would not believe the rule book. Mhmm. 96 00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:25,680 I'll throw that out. 97 00:03:26,699 --> 00:03:27,199 So 98 00:03:27,819 --> 00:03:30,855 I also think it's possible that because 99 00:03:32,034 --> 00:03:34,115 you have a very set idea, y'all both 100 00:03:34,115 --> 00:03:36,995 have a very set way of experiencing your 101 00:03:36,995 --> 00:03:37,495 relationship, 102 00:03:37,795 --> 00:03:39,314 it may even be hard for you to 103 00:03:39,314 --> 00:03:41,795 imagine that he might want something else. You 104 00:03:41,795 --> 00:03:44,129 know? These could be things that were on 105 00:03:44,129 --> 00:03:45,729 his have been on his mind, maybe not 106 00:03:45,729 --> 00:03:47,810 in the exact same way, but of trying 107 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:48,549 different things. 108 00:03:49,009 --> 00:03:51,810 And, you know, having the conversation is what 109 00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,989 allows you to have that back and forth 110 00:03:54,370 --> 00:03:56,449 and to, you know, see what he wants, 111 00:03:56,449 --> 00:03:57,909 see what he's willing to do. 112 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,425 It could be that he's got some ideas 113 00:04:00,425 --> 00:04:01,865 you haven't even thought of and you're like, 114 00:04:01,865 --> 00:04:03,564 hey. Wait. That sounds kinda good. 115 00:04:04,264 --> 00:04:07,485 So yeah. Meeting of the minds. Absolutely. Mhmm. 116 00:04:08,185 --> 00:04:11,724 The whether you should pursue this, you know, 117 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:14,170 because you're happy with your sex life, I 118 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,029 think there's a false dichotomy there. 119 00:04:16,569 --> 00:04:20,270 Having other desires does not mean that you 120 00:04:20,490 --> 00:04:21,790 are somehow unhappy 121 00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:24,970 with your current sex life. It's not again, 122 00:04:24,970 --> 00:04:26,810 it's not a this or that. It's an 123 00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:27,285 and. 124 00:04:27,845 --> 00:04:28,985 It's a I like this 125 00:04:29,444 --> 00:04:31,444 and I like that. And and you know 126 00:04:31,444 --> 00:04:33,365 it's one of those things too with with 127 00:04:33,365 --> 00:04:34,264 kink. Well, 128 00:04:34,644 --> 00:04:35,305 if you 129 00:04:35,764 --> 00:04:36,504 try it 130 00:04:37,365 --> 00:04:39,205 and see if you like it, sometimes try 131 00:04:39,205 --> 00:04:39,865 it twice, 132 00:04:40,269 --> 00:04:41,709 you know, to see if you like it 133 00:04:41,709 --> 00:04:43,870 and make a decision based on that. You 134 00:04:43,870 --> 00:04:45,410 you know, sometimes you can't make 135 00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:47,889 a a educated decision 136 00:04:48,350 --> 00:04:50,669 unless you try something. Right. And sometimes you 137 00:04:50,669 --> 00:04:52,509 try it and immediately know that know that 138 00:04:52,509 --> 00:04:54,610 you don't like that and that's good information 139 00:04:54,750 --> 00:04:57,045 to have. Uh-huh. It doesn't mean you failed. 140 00:04:57,045 --> 00:05:00,324 It doesn't mean that your desires are somehow 141 00:05:00,324 --> 00:05:02,485 wrong or you got it wrong. It could 142 00:05:02,485 --> 00:05:04,725 be, if you find that out after you 143 00:05:04,725 --> 00:05:06,805 try something, that you're chasing a feeling and 144 00:05:06,805 --> 00:05:08,245 you thought that feeling was tied up in 145 00:05:08,245 --> 00:05:08,745 that 146 00:05:09,420 --> 00:05:12,139 activity. And there are other ways to achieve 147 00:05:12,139 --> 00:05:13,680 the feeling. I'm I 148 00:05:14,459 --> 00:05:14,959 feel 149 00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:17,420 like I understand a little bit of the 150 00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:20,220 dynamics you're talking about because to a certain 151 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,839 extent, we have very similar dynamics. 152 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,205 JB is a daddy dom. He's very much 153 00:05:24,205 --> 00:05:26,845 into, here, come come snuggle with me. Yes. 154 00:05:26,845 --> 00:05:28,285 I will tell you what to do. I 155 00:05:28,285 --> 00:05:30,285 will take care of you in that caregiver 156 00:05:30,285 --> 00:05:33,564 way. But then also, he absolutely has the 157 00:05:33,564 --> 00:05:36,285 ability to pin me down Mhmm. And get 158 00:05:36,285 --> 00:05:36,785 primal. 159 00:05:37,245 --> 00:05:38,944 They don't usually happen 160 00:05:39,620 --> 00:05:41,620 at the same time or within a a 161 00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:44,979 singular scene. It's different parts of our day 162 00:05:44,979 --> 00:05:46,659 and different parts of our mood and what's 163 00:05:46,659 --> 00:05:48,599 going on in our life. Says, so distant 164 00:05:48,659 --> 00:05:49,159 daddy. 165 00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:52,279 The two can go hand in hand. 166 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,334 We all contain multitudes, and our kink gets 167 00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:59,214 to contain multitudes. So there's no should. Should 168 00:05:59,214 --> 00:06:01,375 you leave it alone? Should you, you know, 169 00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:02,675 feel bad that somehow, 170 00:06:03,214 --> 00:06:05,295 like, you're implying that what you do is 171 00:06:05,295 --> 00:06:07,615 not somehow enough? Air quote that enough. Right? 172 00:06:07,615 --> 00:06:10,330 It's very subjective. No. You are comfortable with 173 00:06:10,330 --> 00:06:11,629 this person. You are, 174 00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:15,050 you know, from whatever avenue, whether it's, you 175 00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:17,529 know, stuff you're watching, communities you're a part 176 00:06:17,529 --> 00:06:20,430 of, you know, things you're reading, whatever whatever. 177 00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:24,335 You are open to these different ways to 178 00:06:24,335 --> 00:06:26,754 experience kink and it's on your mind. 179 00:06:27,134 --> 00:06:29,535 So, you know, it makes sense that you 180 00:06:29,535 --> 00:06:31,295 could go, Yeah, this is really good and 181 00:06:31,295 --> 00:06:32,574 I'm glad we do this and, Oh, we 182 00:06:32,574 --> 00:06:34,415 tried that thing several years ago and that 183 00:06:34,415 --> 00:06:36,595 didn't work. A fun fact: 184 00:06:37,050 --> 00:06:39,370 there's nothing wrong with retrying if there's any 185 00:06:39,370 --> 00:06:41,129 interest from both of you. Just because something 186 00:06:41,129 --> 00:06:42,410 didn't work a few years ago doesn't mean 187 00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:43,850 it can't work now because you've grown in 188 00:06:43,850 --> 00:06:45,769 your relationship and your trust and maybe your 189 00:06:45,769 --> 00:06:47,470 understanding of kink has broadened. 190 00:06:48,009 --> 00:06:49,689 And there are layers to all of it. 191 00:06:49,689 --> 00:06:51,375 You know, just because you did something a 192 00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:53,774 certain way a few years ago doesn't mean 193 00:06:53,774 --> 00:06:54,514 you couldn't 194 00:06:54,894 --> 00:06:56,274 explore the concept, 195 00:06:56,654 --> 00:06:58,675 but just try different things as well. 196 00:06:59,214 --> 00:07:01,774 So yeah. There's no should you or, you 197 00:07:01,774 --> 00:07:03,615 know, what does it say about you? No. 198 00:07:03,615 --> 00:07:05,774 Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's a matter 199 00:07:05,774 --> 00:07:06,274 of 200 00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:09,150 coming together with your partner to figure out 201 00:07:09,150 --> 00:07:10,370 y'all's Venn diagram, 202 00:07:10,670 --> 00:07:12,990 things you want, things your partner wants, where 203 00:07:12,990 --> 00:07:13,650 they overlap, 204 00:07:14,110 --> 00:07:14,850 and then 205 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,410 trying things out. Now 206 00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:18,930 the other part 207 00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:21,845 is wrapping your head around submission is a 208 00:07:21,845 --> 00:07:22,425 a completely 209 00:07:22,725 --> 00:07:24,084 other issue. Like, as you said at the 210 00:07:24,084 --> 00:07:26,644 top, you, you know, identify more as a 211 00:07:26,644 --> 00:07:27,144 dominant. 212 00:07:27,845 --> 00:07:30,185 We contain multitudes. Let me say that again. 213 00:07:31,524 --> 00:07:34,084 There are different forms of submission. So to 214 00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:34,920 the extent that you 215 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,720 can, figure out what that means to you, 216 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,000 what you think submission is, and what in 217 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:41,500 that 218 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,600 belief about submission does not appeal to you, 219 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,939 and what does appeal to you. Because 220 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,845 for many people's submission, air quote that, is 221 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:51,625 a lot of kneeling and 222 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:55,685 yes, sir, ma'am, otherwise and, you know, being 223 00:07:55,685 --> 00:07:56,185 very 224 00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:58,824 modest or very, 225 00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:00,105 subservient 226 00:08:00,645 --> 00:08:01,319 or very, 227 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:03,819 quiet and demure, 228 00:08:04,439 --> 00:08:05,960 I am here to tell you, you can 229 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:06,860 be a goblin 230 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,300 and a submissive. 231 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:10,220 Yep. 232 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,100 Chaos goblin attack. 233 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:14,415 Proudly. 234 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:19,055 So it is entirely possible that what you 235 00:08:19,055 --> 00:08:20,995 want is somebody who takes care of you 236 00:08:21,214 --> 00:08:21,714 without 237 00:08:22,014 --> 00:08:23,855 telling you what to do at a very 238 00:08:23,855 --> 00:08:27,240 specific parameters. It's also entirely possible that with 239 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,960 one partner, you would allow a lot more 240 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,120 dominance than you might with any other partner. 241 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,419 That is also valid. 242 00:08:34,519 --> 00:08:36,059 But when you start questioning, 243 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,960 you know, your identity because you saw yourself 244 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,639 in one way and now you're like, wait, 245 00:08:41,639 --> 00:08:43,825 I'm having these thoughts and these urges and 246 00:08:43,825 --> 00:08:44,644 these desires 247 00:08:45,184 --> 00:08:47,045 and it that feels like a conflict. 248 00:08:48,065 --> 00:08:50,144 One of many things you can do is 249 00:08:50,144 --> 00:08:51,904 figure out what you think that means and 250 00:08:51,904 --> 00:08:52,404 then 251 00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,384 figure out within it what you don't like 252 00:08:54,384 --> 00:08:55,524 about it. Because 253 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,159 it is very possible you could be like, 254 00:08:58,159 --> 00:08:59,360 yeah, I don't wanna be told what to 255 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,959 do out of nowhere, or I don't want 256 00:09:00,959 --> 00:09:02,579 these kinds of rules 257 00:09:03,839 --> 00:09:06,480 and that I don't like that. You can 258 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,159 say no to all of those things that 259 00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:09,860 you don't like and still be submissive, 260 00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:12,334 if that even works for 261 00:09:12,634 --> 00:09:14,074 you. If you're willing to test it out 262 00:09:14,074 --> 00:09:16,154 and try it, do that. If you're not 263 00:09:16,154 --> 00:09:18,254 willing, if it feels too uncomfortable, 264 00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:19,774 fucking don't. 265 00:09:20,235 --> 00:09:21,774 No requirement just because 266 00:09:22,154 --> 00:09:23,294 a passing desire 267 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,879 came to you that you're you have to 268 00:09:25,879 --> 00:09:27,480 go test it out and see if you 269 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,379 enjoy it. 270 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,600 Not at all. Not at all. Some things 271 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,000 get to stay fantasy. Mhmm. Some things maybe 272 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,179 you do once in a scene to see, 273 00:09:35,399 --> 00:09:37,100 do I even like this? Mhmm. 274 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,420 You know, there are so many options. 275 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:44,195 True. Mhmm. Anything you wanna add? No. 276 00:09:44,894 --> 00:09:46,495 Let's go back to the top. Talk to 277 00:09:46,495 --> 00:09:48,815 your partner. Literally, just send them what you 278 00:09:48,815 --> 00:09:50,975 sent to us. Yeah. Bingo. You can you 279 00:09:50,975 --> 00:09:53,214 can almost quote word for word what you've 280 00:09:53,214 --> 00:09:55,889 written here. Exactly. What do you think about 281 00:09:55,889 --> 00:09:58,389 this? Mhmm. And go from there. You know? 282 00:09:58,450 --> 00:10:00,929 They it's entirely possible that it might not 283 00:10:00,929 --> 00:10:03,409 be a thing they've even considered before, but 284 00:10:03,409 --> 00:10:05,730 they're still like, actually, that's interesting. Mhmm. Actually, 285 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:06,870 I'm down to experiment. 286 00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:09,009 You'll never know if you don't talk about 287 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:09,759 that. Exactly. 288 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:11,485 Mhmm. 289 00:10:13,465 --> 00:10:14,925 So that is it. 290 00:10:15,705 --> 00:10:17,384 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 291 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:18,825 a episode. If you want us to answer 292 00:10:18,825 --> 00:10:20,665 one of your questions, just use the contact 293 00:10:20,665 --> 00:10:22,985 page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, 294 00:10:22,985 --> 00:10:24,179 or you can find the link in the 295 00:10:24,179 --> 00:10:26,019 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 296 00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:28,259 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 297 00:10:28,259 --> 00:10:30,100 do this podcast and keep it going and 298 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,740 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 299 00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:34,100 like to be part of our community and 300 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,019 get access to extra content and a Discord 301 00:10:36,019 --> 00:10:37,725 server with a group of super cool, super 302 00:10:37,725 --> 00:10:39,644 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 303 00:10:39,644 --> 00:10:41,804 us at patreon.com/kaylalords. 304 00:10:41,804 --> 00:10:44,444 That's patreon.com/kaylalords, 305 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,065 or use the link in the show notes.