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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode

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four fifty eight. Kayla Lords here with the

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one, the only, the I'm glad it's not

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just me that's sweating my ass off No.

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John Brownstone. And I'm I'm gonna apologize to

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everybody right now upfront.

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Sorry.

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Sorry for what? I am exhausted. I know.

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You yawned through our last recording. I I

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had

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a couple of long

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busy days Mhmm. And they've caught up to

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me. Yeah. They have. Yeah. They have. I

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had to, get somebody off the couch and

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remind them we were supposed to be doing

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this whole, like,

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podcast thing we did. Well, she came to

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me and said, I gotta take a shower

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before we do this. And I was like,

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great. I lay down. Lola came up next

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with me and, took a power nap.

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Yeah. So this ought to be interesting.

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Anywho.

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So it, it actually works out that this

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week's topic,

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JB let me unilaterally pick, and he let

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me not really tell him what it was

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about because it was a thing that happened

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to me

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that I haven't even told him yet, so

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he gets to have a first reaction.

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Oh, goodness. First saddest reaction. My goodness. And

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I and I can't even read it in

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the notes.

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No. Because I didn't I didn't write it

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down in the notes. The thing that happened.

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No. Actually, I think I did write it

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down in the notes. Either way. Either way.

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Anyhoo. Anyway, but we are revisiting

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a topic we did last back in 2020,

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and that is,

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dealing with shame in your in your kink

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life, in your kink self. That's what we're

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talking about. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.

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If this is your first time listening, glad

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to have you. If you're back for another

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week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every

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Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in

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education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.

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Come back often and feel free to add

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the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You

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can also follow the show on FetLife at

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loving BDSM

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PC, that stands for podcast,

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on Instagram and technically threads at that handle,

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I will forever motherfucking hate

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with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

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It's loving d s on the number one.

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It's the dumbest handle ever.

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At loving d s one. Before anybody goes,

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you can change it, not to what I

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want. That is the problem. Anyway,

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on blue sky at lovingbdsm.

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Blah blah blah or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm,

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where you can watch us live stream the

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podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

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show notes.

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Okay. Before we get into this week's topic,

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we have two announcements,

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and I wrote them down

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with no notes, so I better get this

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right.

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Oh, all three things with no notes. I

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better get this right. Okay. We're all dogging

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it.

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Yes.

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Very much so.

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This Friday, October 17 is our Friday night

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livestream, our virtual munch, our let's get silly,

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where we just talk about all the nostalgic

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things from, like,

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and all the food. We've already established the

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superior bacon is the crunchy bacon. We don't

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have to go over this again. It just

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is. Okay?

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Jamie's face. Man, folks, come on. We we

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need more of y'all that like the floppy

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bacon. Oh, god.

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Come on. We

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we we gotta stand together with this. Your

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bacon should not slop.

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God.

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Ew. Anyway,

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that does come up. Our our views on

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bacon are sometimes part of the conversation.

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But we answer kinky questions.

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We just hang out. We can be great

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background noise if you're like,

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I don't I don't wanna participate in the

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live chat. You don't have to.

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So that's coming Friday, 09:30PM

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eastern, October 17. For podcast listeners, that is

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the day this episode comes out.

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Second announcement.

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The Wood Dom on Etsy, which is JB's

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vanilla

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shop,

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where he his he shows off his woodworking,

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and he has pretty things

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and nice things and helpful things and cute

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things and things. Great gift things as well.

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Things like this. Which only Things like that.

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I'm so sorry, podcast listeners. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

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JB's holding up a gorgeous pin that I

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have not put on the Etsy shop yet

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and pointing to one of our Halloween decorations.

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Anyway, we're having a sale over there. Mhmm.

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The Halloween decorations are,

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slightly larger percentage off. It's the first time

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you've ever done that. Mhmm. We're trying a

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new thing. And then everything else is 10%

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off. There are things that have free shipping

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I will be adding more things to the

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shop over the course of the next couple

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of days. The sale runs through the October,

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so you got time.

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Getting ready for holidays, gift giving, whatever. You

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just want something cute for yourself. There you

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go. The WoodDumb on Etsy. Links are in

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the places.

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Ta da.

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Okay. I just bumped the mic. I'm so

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sorry. Yes. Yes. Silent. It is a very

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nice pin.

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Those with southern accents know. And they get

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it. And they heard me. And they understood

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me. And really that's what language is. Did

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I communicate? And did you know what I

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meant? You did.

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Okay. Anyway,

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last thing before I get to the topic.

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This week's,

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trans affirming care resource,

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is called strands for trans, s t r

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a n d s, Strands, as in strands

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of hair.

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It is actually a place where if you

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own a, like, a hair salon or you

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are a person who does hair and you

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welcome and affirm and respect trans people and

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you want them to know that they can

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come there and be safe and get their

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hair done, you add yourself

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registry. It also the reason it counts for

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for our purposes and why it's one of

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my resources,

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it allows you to look up

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what salons in

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your general area or within a multi mile

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radius,

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are on the list.

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And I did that for our area, and

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there were three

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in town, and then there were several,

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forty five minutes sort of North ish of

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us in Gainesville. And then I I kept

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scrolling through the list, and I got even

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more. I could go to Leesburg. If you

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know, you know. I could go go to

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DeLand. I could go to all kinds of

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places.

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I'm gonna say, so if you are a

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person who

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is a hairstylist or run a salon or

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you know somebody who does and you know

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they're affirming,

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great.

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Get them on the get yourself on the

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list. You never know who might be Mhmm.

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Using that.

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I cannot speak for anybody else who uses

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this resource,

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but I did learn a thing, and I'm

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gonna pass it along for anybody who might

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find it

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helpful.

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It is not enough for us I for

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me. For me, I am one human, and

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I'm not even trans. Okay?

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It is not enough for me to see

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a name on a list

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that's supposed to be trans affirming. If I

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go to your website and you say nothing

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about LGBTQ,

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about gender neutrality, about respecting all people,

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it it

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so for anybody who's gonna use the resource,

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you should still do your research

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on the places that you happen to find

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in your area.

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And I did. And my short list is

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based on who made it very clear. Like,

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I'm not just I'm not just gonna say

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I support trans people, I'm gonna show it.

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And

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that that does make a difference. And I'm

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one person, but I know it made a

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difference to me. Because when

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I'm helping out the person in my life,

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I'm only gonna take them to places where

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I think they have a reasonable

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expectation of safety.

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See.

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But strands for trans for anybody who wants

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to be on that list because you own

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a salon or you work at a salon,

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or

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you, are trying to get your hair done

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and you wanna go to their a place

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that's gonna, you know, be affirming and safe.

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But just no guarantees. Do still do your

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research. Anyway, link in the places. Okay.

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Okay. Now I after all that, I need

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a sip of my diet Coke.

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Y'all I'm doing this and I'm only partially

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caffeinated for the day.

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It's

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just

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it just is. Okay.

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What am I saying? I don't know. I

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think I was responding to a thought that

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I did not say out loud.

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That's gonna be a problem for this

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episode. Okay.

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We have done,

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an episode on shame before back in

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twenty fucking twenty. That is a lifetime ago

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at this point.

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It was episode two thirty six. Years ago.

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was episode two thirty

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six. I've linked it in the places for

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anybody who's never

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watched or listened to that episode or wants

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a refresh. In that episode, we focused on

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talking about shame in terms of body image,

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sexuality, kink, the the things we might feel

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shame about even though

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we ought not to, but we still do.

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This one

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is more about what to do about it

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once you realize, oh, like, what shame can

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kind of manifest as what it can kind

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of look like that's not just that deep

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yucky feeling of, oh my god. Can I

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curl up and die right now?

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Metaphorically speaking. And then some suggestions that I

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saw in enough places to think, okay. This

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might be decent information on, well, what the

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fuck do I do with this sense of

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shame and how do I, like, overcome it.

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Right? But

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let me

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talk to you about how we got here.

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And this is the thing, I have not

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told Jamie yet. It's a small thing, really.

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But

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considering some of the conversations we have around

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here, I think it's a little meaningful.

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So I this happened while I was reading

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00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:52,620
the first book in a series, which is

271
00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:55,820
a delightful series, that's very realistic with kink.

272
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:58,779
It's Leather and Lattes is the Series by

273
00:09:58,779 --> 00:09:59,840
Katherine MacIntyre.

274
00:10:01,264 --> 00:10:03,664
Y'all, it's set in a kinky coffee shop

275
00:10:03,664 --> 00:10:05,845
that also has a dungeon attached.

276
00:10:06,225 --> 00:10:09,684
Those people are living the dream. Right? Wow.

277
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:12,144
Like I don't like contemporary most of the

278
00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:14,980
time, but that I I made some exceptions

279
00:10:15,039 --> 00:10:15,779
for that.

280
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,200
And it's very inclusive of gender identity and

281
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,960
sexuality, and I like that part as well.

282
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,460
Anyway,

283
00:10:21,919 --> 00:10:23,919
every book's about a different couple, and it's

284
00:10:23,919 --> 00:10:24,419
very

285
00:10:24,799 --> 00:10:27,014
the kink is so realistic in such a

286
00:10:27,014 --> 00:10:29,495
good way. I love this series, and I'm

287
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:29,995
sad

288
00:10:30,375 --> 00:10:31,815
that the next book doesn't come out till

289
00:10:31,815 --> 00:10:33,894
next year. But I was reading the first

290
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:36,534
book. I think it's called Immersion Play. I

291
00:10:36,534 --> 00:10:38,394
think that's what the first book is called.

292
00:10:38,615 --> 00:10:40,294
Are did you start it after I recommended

293
00:10:40,294 --> 00:10:41,549
it? I can't find it. I'll point

294
00:10:43,950 --> 00:10:46,037
it out for you. Anyway, that in that

295
00:10:46,037 --> 00:10:48,429
book, the two main characters, our love interest

296
00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:49,649
is daddy Dom,

297
00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:50,690
who,

298
00:10:51,309 --> 00:10:53,070
doesn't get to be a daddy very often.

299
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:53,889
It's a very,

300
00:10:54,894 --> 00:10:56,975
deep connection for him when, you know, he

301
00:10:57,215 --> 00:10:59,695
he's trying to avoid love and relationships so

302
00:10:59,695 --> 00:11:01,315
he doesn't daddy dom very much.

303
00:11:03,215 --> 00:11:05,154
But he's met this guy who

304
00:11:05,855 --> 00:11:08,149
his defense mechanism is to brat.

305
00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:10,769
And I mean, outside of a kink context,

306
00:11:10,769 --> 00:11:12,929
it's not bratting. It's just, you know, being

307
00:11:12,929 --> 00:11:15,190
snarky, being mouthy, whatever whatever. Right?

308
00:11:15,649 --> 00:11:17,569
And so we get all of the angst

309
00:11:17,569 --> 00:11:19,424
of them figuring out their shit and coming

310
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:20,404
together and blah blah blah.

311
00:11:20,705 --> 00:11:22,384
But in the middle of I don't even

312
00:11:22,384 --> 00:11:24,464
remember what part it was. But I'm reading

313
00:11:24,464 --> 00:11:26,625
this book and I'm I'm loving all the

314
00:11:26,625 --> 00:11:28,784
characters. That that's not a big deal. But

315
00:11:28,784 --> 00:11:30,644
I'm reading this brat

316
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,605
and I'm having this these thoughts of

317
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,259
that. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

318
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,399
I wish I could do that, or I

319
00:11:38,399 --> 00:11:39,860
wish I did that, or

320
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,559
what would that be like to be that

321
00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:44,559
kind of brat now? If you were not

322
00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:46,420
new here, you know how I

323
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,019
am staunchly

324
00:11:49,044 --> 00:11:51,605
in the camp of I do not identify

325
00:11:51,605 --> 00:11:52,965
as a brat, and I don't. I really

326
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:54,424
don't still to this day.

327
00:11:55,044 --> 00:11:55,764
But I'm

328
00:11:57,125 --> 00:11:58,345
what's the word I want?

329
00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:01,990
Self aware enough that I will do I

330
00:12:01,990 --> 00:12:04,149
will do the look within kind of thing

331
00:12:04,149 --> 00:12:05,049
when I realize

332
00:12:05,429 --> 00:12:07,990
that some part of me is wishing for

333
00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:10,950
something that I've usually, like, don't want, can't

334
00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:12,409
imagine, have, like,

335
00:12:14,084 --> 00:12:14,584
adamantly

336
00:12:15,524 --> 00:12:16,825
said hell no to.

337
00:12:17,205 --> 00:12:18,345
So I did that.

338
00:12:18,725 --> 00:12:21,044
And the and I thought about in the

339
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:23,445
context of this character and what bratting looked

340
00:12:23,445 --> 00:12:26,504
like for them. Right? And how I view

341
00:12:26,964 --> 00:12:27,464
bratting

342
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,879
from my own, like, my own lens of

343
00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:31,620
it. Right?

344
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,399
And I thought, god. What would it be

345
00:12:34,399 --> 00:12:35,540
like to just

346
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,160
tell JB no in a playful way or

347
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,000
make me in a playful way or to

348
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,139
not do a thing,

349
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:44,815
hopefully in a playful way.

350
00:12:45,434 --> 00:12:49,195
And the the immediate visceral reaction was fear.

351
00:12:49,195 --> 00:12:50,975
And I went, oh, that was

352
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:53,355
that was a big feeling. Like, at this

353
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:55,195
point, I'm I've put the look aside. I'm

354
00:12:55,195 --> 00:12:56,955
in my fucking head. We're we're doing the

355
00:12:56,955 --> 00:12:59,070
work. And I went, god, where did that

356
00:12:59,070 --> 00:12:59,809
feeling come

357
00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:02,509
from? And part of what I circle back

358
00:13:02,509 --> 00:13:04,750
to when I think about bratting is I

359
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,990
how desperately I want to be obedient and

360
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:08,509
a good girl. And I went, okay. But

361
00:13:08,509 --> 00:13:10,690
where does where's that coming from?

362
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,985
Which I know where that's coming from. That

363
00:13:12,985 --> 00:13:14,904
is between me and a future therapist. Thank

364
00:13:14,904 --> 00:13:17,644
you very much. I I know.

365
00:13:18,425 --> 00:13:21,225
But, I mean, it, like, knocked me off

366
00:13:21,225 --> 00:13:23,705
kilter for, like, a good twenty four hours

367
00:13:23,705 --> 00:13:24,845
because I was like,

368
00:13:25,519 --> 00:13:26,179
I don't

369
00:13:26,879 --> 00:13:29,519
want I don't really want to brat. Like,

370
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:30,179
it doesn't

371
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,059
appeal to me that much. But also,

372
00:13:33,519 --> 00:13:36,240
if I'm thinking about why I reject it

373
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,200
and the and I imagine myself doing it

374
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,160
and my first

375
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,535
my response is not, oh, I just don't

376
00:13:42,535 --> 00:13:45,735
like that. It is this, like, gut response

377
00:13:45,735 --> 00:13:48,295
of, oh, no. I am bad if I

378
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,375
have done that. Like, that comes from a

379
00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:51,274
place. Right?

380
00:13:52,295 --> 00:13:54,470
Go ahead. Now, I you know, you're saying

381
00:13:54,470 --> 00:13:55,909
this and I and first thing that comes

382
00:13:55,909 --> 00:13:56,649
to my mind,

383
00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:57,929
you know,

384
00:13:58,549 --> 00:14:00,470
yeah, yeah, I I know you you you

385
00:14:00,470 --> 00:14:01,610
you push that line.

386
00:14:02,389 --> 00:14:04,089
You push that line hard sometimes.

387
00:14:04,549 --> 00:14:05,049
Mhmm.

388
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:05,990
And,

389
00:14:06,904 --> 00:14:08,825
you know, it's you say it's not something

390
00:14:08,825 --> 00:14:10,904
you would wanna do on a rip. What

391
00:14:10,904 --> 00:14:12,365
if it was a part of a scene?

392
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,904
I don't know. You would have to, like,

393
00:14:14,904 --> 00:14:16,904
be prepared for me to have to, like,

394
00:14:16,904 --> 00:14:18,904
nope out of the scene midway because the

395
00:14:18,904 --> 00:14:21,620
feelings were too strong. Like, I you know,

396
00:14:21,620 --> 00:14:23,059
it's one of those things where you can

397
00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:24,580
know why you do a thing or don't

398
00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:25,940
do a thing. You can know where the

399
00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:28,200
feelings come from. You can under I intellectualize

400
00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:31,139
my feelings very well, and I psychoanalyze myself

401
00:14:31,139 --> 00:14:32,899
all the time, and I'm way too fucking

402
00:14:32,899 --> 00:14:33,399
introspective.

403
00:14:34,365 --> 00:14:37,805
I know the why. Right? I know that

404
00:14:37,805 --> 00:14:39,024
the goal would be

405
00:14:39,404 --> 00:14:42,205
to not be held back by the why

406
00:14:42,205 --> 00:14:42,945
and just

407
00:14:43,485 --> 00:14:46,000
try the thing out to, like, not have

408
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,679
the fear or to be able to move

409
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,279
through the fear. Because sometimes you can't make

410
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,980
yourself not be scared. You just gotta

411
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:52,899
do it scared. Right?

412
00:14:53,919 --> 00:14:54,419
And

413
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:56,179
I

414
00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:58,639
I know all of that, but that is

415
00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:01,039
not enough. Like, there's not on different things,

416
00:15:01,039 --> 00:15:03,615
not just about this, which brought up the

417
00:15:03,615 --> 00:15:05,394
topic of shame for for me.

418
00:15:06,095 --> 00:15:07,955
Also my Instagram algorithm

419
00:15:09,055 --> 00:15:10,115
brought up some stuff

420
00:15:10,495 --> 00:15:11,934
that made me go, oh, yeah. That's right.

421
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:13,295
This is all about shame. Maybe we need

422
00:15:13,295 --> 00:15:14,195
to talk about shame.

423
00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:16,570
But knowing

424
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,529
what your air quotes air quote is supposed

425
00:15:19,909 --> 00:15:20,570
to do

426
00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:23,029
or what you could do and how you

427
00:15:23,029 --> 00:15:24,950
air quote should be, and be careful, we

428
00:15:24,950 --> 00:15:26,865
do not should all over ourselves over here.

429
00:15:26,865 --> 00:15:28,565
It's usually not very healthy.

430
00:15:29,105 --> 00:15:30,404
Does not make that

431
00:15:30,705 --> 00:15:32,625
Doesn't mean that it's possible. Doesn't mean that

432
00:15:32,625 --> 00:15:34,725
I can just wake up with that knowledge

433
00:15:34,865 --> 00:15:36,544
and go, oh, yeah. What I should do

434
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:38,544
is just take up space and just do

435
00:15:38,544 --> 00:15:40,245
the things that scare me. And

436
00:15:42,269 --> 00:15:44,350
sometimes, yeah. I've done things that scare me.

437
00:15:44,350 --> 00:15:46,910
But some things are so deep rooted Mhmm.

438
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:49,230
That it is and this is gonna come

439
00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:51,149
up later when we're talking about shame. One

440
00:15:51,149 --> 00:15:53,629
of the ways to work through shame is

441
00:15:53,629 --> 00:15:55,504
to seek professional help.

442
00:15:55,884 --> 00:15:56,464
A therapist

443
00:15:57,004 --> 00:15:59,404
who is, you know, informed and has the

444
00:15:59,404 --> 00:16:01,565
ability to, like, offer those kinds of whatever

445
00:16:01,565 --> 00:16:03,644
whatever whatever's that you might need that might

446
00:16:03,644 --> 00:16:05,345
be beneficial. And it's, like,

447
00:16:05,725 --> 00:16:07,340
that's how because I know where it comes

448
00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:09,019
from. And I'm not getting into that here.

449
00:16:09,019 --> 00:16:11,019
That's Mhmm. But I know where that comes

450
00:16:11,019 --> 00:16:13,419
from. And that's not a oh, I'll just

451
00:16:13,419 --> 00:16:14,559
do the thing scared.

452
00:16:15,259 --> 00:16:16,879
That is way too visceral

453
00:16:17,659 --> 00:16:19,934
of a it's too deep rooted

454
00:16:20,315 --> 00:16:21,535
because it's become

455
00:16:21,915 --> 00:16:23,915
and this is where, man, shame really fucking

456
00:16:23,915 --> 00:16:26,394
sucks because it can but it's can start

457
00:16:26,394 --> 00:16:28,415
to feel like a piece of your identity

458
00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:30,634
of why you do things or why you

459
00:16:30,634 --> 00:16:32,554
don't do things or how you are. And

460
00:16:32,554 --> 00:16:34,120
it that's just I mean,

461
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:36,339
some things you just don't wake up on

462
00:16:36,339 --> 00:16:37,699
the next day and go, sure. I can

463
00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:38,440
do that now.

464
00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:41,620
Let's just like, it's just maybe somebody else

465
00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:42,679
out there can, but

466
00:16:43,539 --> 00:16:46,019
I'm gonna need drugs and a medical professional

467
00:16:46,019 --> 00:16:47,000
is all I'm saying.

468
00:16:51,105 --> 00:16:53,345
So that that was the the thing that,

469
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:56,085
like, made me think not think about bratting.

470
00:16:56,144 --> 00:16:58,384
Although I have had thoughts on that. I

471
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:01,345
have noticed myself doing some things and I'm

472
00:17:01,345 --> 00:17:04,049
like, goddamn it. I think that

473
00:17:04,830 --> 00:17:06,609
that's not just toe in the line.

474
00:17:07,150 --> 00:17:07,650
Like,

475
00:17:08,109 --> 00:17:09,710
do I know that it kind of makes

476
00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:11,869
you a little nuts when I move a

477
00:17:11,869 --> 00:17:13,390
lot while you're trying to put on my

478
00:17:13,390 --> 00:17:15,809
collar? Mhmm. Yeah. Did I

479
00:17:16,414 --> 00:17:19,534
absolutely enjoy your response this morning when you

480
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:21,054
yanked me? And I was like, yep. That's

481
00:17:21,054 --> 00:17:22,494
what I was going for. And then when,

482
00:17:22,494 --> 00:17:24,335
oh my god. That's what I was going

483
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:24,835
for.

484
00:17:27,534 --> 00:17:28,974
So I think I have it in me.

485
00:17:28,974 --> 00:17:29,375
We have,

486
00:17:30,095 --> 00:17:30,900
enough of

487
00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:34,259
trust and safety within our relationship where if

488
00:17:34,259 --> 00:17:36,019
I wanted to yeah. I don't think I'm

489
00:17:36,019 --> 00:17:38,339
able to on a conscious level. I don't

490
00:17:38,339 --> 00:17:40,740
think I can think about what I'm doing

491
00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:42,119
Gotcha. Without

492
00:17:42,580 --> 00:17:44,404
all the other stuff coming up.

493
00:17:44,865 --> 00:17:45,365
So

494
00:17:45,745 --> 00:17:49,025
that was the inciting incident. That was the

495
00:17:49,025 --> 00:17:50,245
thing that made me go,

496
00:17:51,105 --> 00:17:52,164
woah. Because

497
00:17:52,625 --> 00:17:54,065
Now I'm very curious to read this. You

498
00:17:54,065 --> 00:17:55,345
need to read I think I think you'll

499
00:17:55,345 --> 00:17:56,865
enjoy the whole damn series. That's all I'm

500
00:17:56,865 --> 00:17:57,365
saying.

501
00:17:59,759 --> 00:18:02,080
And it, you know, it was both the

502
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,400
I can't believe I kind of wish I

503
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,200
was doing this, could do this, would behave

504
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,059
this way, have this kind of fun.

505
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:11,920
But also I recognize and this is a

506
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,865
thing where it's one of the many reasons

507
00:18:13,865 --> 00:18:16,524
we're, like, please don't use kink books

508
00:18:16,904 --> 00:18:19,325
and fiction as your how to manual.

509
00:18:19,704 --> 00:18:21,865
Because the thing is the safety of of

510
00:18:21,865 --> 00:18:23,704
a book of of a work of fiction

511
00:18:23,704 --> 00:18:25,625
where, like, in this case, it's romance. I

512
00:18:25,625 --> 00:18:27,680
know what the fucking outcome is. That's why

513
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:28,880
I read it. I mean, I read for

514
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,320
the smut and the sex and that's one

515
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,960
too. But, like, my anxiety does not spike

516
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,119
if I know these two fuckers are gonna

517
00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:36,400
end up together and then I don't know

518
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,000
how we're getting there. But I know they're

519
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,994
so I know that

520
00:18:40,775 --> 00:18:43,494
this is a safe space for exploration. I

521
00:18:43,494 --> 00:18:44,954
also know, as the reader,

522
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:47,894
I've gotten all the context clues of why

523
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,654
this person does this, why this person is

524
00:18:49,654 --> 00:18:51,255
that, who this person is that they haven't

525
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,190
told their partner yet, and who the daddy

526
00:18:53,190 --> 00:18:54,549
dumb is that he hasn't explained to his

527
00:18:54,549 --> 00:18:56,230
partner yet. And you get all of you

528
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:57,990
already know that as the reader, so there's

529
00:18:57,990 --> 00:19:00,069
this very sort of omniscient kind of thing

530
00:19:00,069 --> 00:19:02,549
of, well, I'm looking at bratting in, like,

531
00:19:02,549 --> 00:19:03,210
a very

532
00:19:04,470 --> 00:19:07,765
specific box. Right, of knowing that it's safe.

533
00:19:07,765 --> 00:19:09,365
You know what the reactions are gonna be

534
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,945
because you read the context clues. You know,

535
00:19:12,164 --> 00:19:15,125
it's not like being out in the real

536
00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:16,265
world where

537
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:20,085
you can plan for every eventuality and still

538
00:19:20,085 --> 00:19:22,380
say the wrong thing or do something at

539
00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:24,220
the wrong moment or have you know, there

540
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,279
can still be unexpected

541
00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:27,359
reactions. Right?

542
00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:30,460
So, you know, there's something to be said

543
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:31,519
for for

544
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:34,720
for any kind of sex or kink thing.

545
00:19:34,914 --> 00:19:36,755
Sometimes for some people it needs to stay

546
00:19:36,755 --> 00:19:39,734
fantasy because you can indulge in the fantasy

547
00:19:39,875 --> 00:19:41,494
in a very safe environment

548
00:19:41,954 --> 00:19:43,555
where you don't have to deal with any

549
00:19:43,555 --> 00:19:44,454
of the unexpected

550
00:19:45,075 --> 00:19:46,914
weird or just human shit that comes up

551
00:19:46,914 --> 00:19:48,994
and it's, like, tied up in a bow

552
00:19:48,994 --> 00:19:50,279
packaged really nicely.

553
00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:52,339
So I'm not saying, oh, I wanna be

554
00:19:52,339 --> 00:19:54,359
a brat. Like, I'm not I'm not there

555
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:56,579
at this point. But it did feel weird

556
00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:58,039
to realize I was enjoying

557
00:19:59,380 --> 00:20:01,779
and kind of like inserting myself a little

558
00:20:01,779 --> 00:20:03,285
bit and going, oh, what would that be

559
00:20:03,605 --> 00:20:06,404
But the important part for everybody who's gonna

560
00:20:06,404 --> 00:20:07,765
be like, oh, no. You're really a brat

561
00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:10,005
and here it is. Here's for for this

562
00:20:10,005 --> 00:20:12,644
discussion, the important part, the thing that stayed

563
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:13,465
with me was

564
00:20:14,404 --> 00:20:17,605
the feelings it the idea of trying it

565
00:20:17,605 --> 00:20:18,105
myself

566
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,390
invoked. That there was something there because I

567
00:20:21,549 --> 00:20:23,470
if you had asked me prior to that,

568
00:20:23,470 --> 00:20:25,549
if after god. I've known I was kinky

569
00:20:25,549 --> 00:20:27,150
since, what, 2012. You and I have been

570
00:20:27,150 --> 00:20:28,609
together since 2013.

571
00:20:30,349 --> 00:20:32,414
You know, if you ask me if I

572
00:20:32,414 --> 00:20:34,654
feel any sense of shame over kinks or

573
00:20:34,654 --> 00:20:35,875
anything I do or

574
00:20:36,255 --> 00:20:38,815
not at all. Like, I'm I'm comfortable with

575
00:20:38,815 --> 00:20:40,495
who I am. I know I'm safe with

576
00:20:40,495 --> 00:20:42,654
JB. I try what I wanna try, and

577
00:20:42,654 --> 00:20:44,174
I don't do what I don't wanna do.

578
00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:44,579
And there's

579
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:46,819
you know, I never had that sense of

580
00:20:46,819 --> 00:20:48,419
shame over, oh my gosh. I'm a submissive.

581
00:20:48,419 --> 00:20:50,099
What does this say about like, I never

582
00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:50,839
had that.

583
00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:53,960
And so that was the other important thing

584
00:20:54,579 --> 00:20:56,679
that it felt important was that

585
00:20:57,059 --> 00:20:59,265
you can be in an established relationship and

586
00:20:59,265 --> 00:21:00,565
know yourself really well

587
00:21:01,505 --> 00:21:04,225
and think that you're really confident and comfortable

588
00:21:04,225 --> 00:21:07,184
and whatever with whatever your kinks are, whatever

589
00:21:07,184 --> 00:21:09,825
your life looks like, and something can still

590
00:21:09,825 --> 00:21:11,445
fucking hit you like

591
00:21:11,809 --> 00:21:14,130
a ton of bricks. And this was mine.

592
00:21:14,130 --> 00:21:14,630
I

593
00:21:15,009 --> 00:21:17,349
didn't didn't expect it. I didn't expect

594
00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:18,230
it.

595
00:21:18,609 --> 00:21:21,490
So then the Instagram algorithm apparently has been

596
00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:22,470
reading my Kindle,

597
00:21:23,329 --> 00:21:25,669
and it brought it started bringing up content

598
00:21:25,809 --> 00:21:27,384
about shame. And I was like, I didn't

599
00:21:27,384 --> 00:21:29,065
even say the word out loud. So it's

600
00:21:29,065 --> 00:21:29,865
not listening.

601
00:21:30,265 --> 00:21:32,105
You know, I'm sure my FBI agent is,

602
00:21:32,105 --> 00:21:34,044
like, traumatized, but

603
00:21:36,025 --> 00:21:38,265
but I started getting content fed to me

604
00:21:38,265 --> 00:21:40,184
about shame. Now I do get a lot

605
00:21:40,184 --> 00:21:41,329
of content about,

606
00:21:42,269 --> 00:21:44,029
therapy and psychology because that is one of

607
00:21:44,029 --> 00:21:44,849
my interests.

608
00:21:45,549 --> 00:21:46,990
So I'm sure that's where it came from.

609
00:21:46,990 --> 00:21:48,349
But I saved them because I was like,

610
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,289
oh, wait. We have to talk about these.

611
00:21:51,069 --> 00:21:53,009
Not because this relates back to

612
00:21:53,484 --> 00:21:55,244
my experience of the brouting. I mean, that

613
00:21:55,244 --> 00:21:56,924
was the thing that triggered it. Now we're

614
00:21:56,924 --> 00:21:59,325
talking about shame. Mhmm. Before we get into

615
00:21:59,325 --> 00:21:59,825
that,

616
00:22:00,204 --> 00:22:01,424
what say you

617
00:22:01,884 --> 00:22:04,845
about the revelation? About what we will What

618
00:22:04,845 --> 00:22:05,884
do you talk about? Before we get into

619
00:22:05,884 --> 00:22:07,984
what shame can look like or feel like?

620
00:22:14,819 --> 00:22:15,960
I I think it's

621
00:22:16,819 --> 00:22:19,240
a natural evolution for you.

622
00:22:20,019 --> 00:22:20,519
Okay.

623
00:22:21,140 --> 00:22:22,919
Okay. Because, you know, you

624
00:22:24,434 --> 00:22:25,174
you know,

625
00:22:26,274 --> 00:22:28,375
you're you're so close to being there.

626
00:22:29,075 --> 00:22:30,694
And I look. Look.

627
00:22:31,075 --> 00:22:33,154
I I would love to live in denial.

628
00:22:33,154 --> 00:22:34,835
I have done that a few times, but

629
00:22:34,835 --> 00:22:35,974
I I will be

630
00:22:36,514 --> 00:22:38,450
completely fucking honest. There have been a couple

631
00:22:38,450 --> 00:22:40,930
of times lately where we've had a moment

632
00:22:40,930 --> 00:22:43,170
and I've walked away and and it's it's

633
00:22:43,170 --> 00:22:45,330
been thoughts I've had that I haven't things

634
00:22:45,330 --> 00:22:47,170
I haven't said out loud. And I've gone,

635
00:22:47,170 --> 00:22:49,009
holy shit. That there's no way that wasn't

636
00:22:49,009 --> 00:22:51,089
a brat moment. And I might have even

637
00:22:51,089 --> 00:22:51,750
said it

638
00:22:52,615 --> 00:22:54,794
the other day. Something happened.

639
00:22:56,294 --> 00:22:57,815
I don't know if I wiggled my ass.

640
00:22:57,815 --> 00:22:59,974
I don't know. But I did something so

641
00:22:59,974 --> 00:23:02,054
that you would pay attention to my ass.

642
00:23:02,054 --> 00:23:04,234
And so then you went there for

643
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:07,200
smack it. Mhmm. But did I ask for

644
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,680
what I needed? No. Nope. Was I sassy

645
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,460
and snarky? Absoloc and lutely.

646
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,840
And so I got the response I wanted,

647
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,380
and I walked away thinking

648
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,700
that worked. And then I went,

649
00:23:18,015 --> 00:23:20,494
what is happening? So when I go through

650
00:23:20,815 --> 00:23:22,974
And then what happened this morning? I know.

651
00:23:22,974 --> 00:23:24,414
It's just saying that. When I do go

652
00:23:24,414 --> 00:23:26,015
through the evolution of okay. Maybe I'm a

653
00:23:26,015 --> 00:23:27,695
brat. Yeah. That'll be a fucking episode. Don't

654
00:23:27,695 --> 00:23:28,434
worry. Okay.

655
00:23:28,894 --> 00:23:30,115
So this morning,

656
00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:31,720
I

657
00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:33,960
did not wanna get out of bed.

658
00:23:35,059 --> 00:23:36,200
Just jitting it all.

659
00:23:36,820 --> 00:23:38,580
And Jamie came in when he was ready

660
00:23:38,580 --> 00:23:40,019
to, like, start making his breakfast. He comes

661
00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:41,779
in, he gets his iPad. He you know,

662
00:23:41,779 --> 00:23:44,565
Onyx eats her food in our room most

663
00:23:44,565 --> 00:23:47,125
days. So he's getting the cat dish and

664
00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:48,565
we have a sort of a new routine

665
00:23:48,565 --> 00:23:50,325
where he'll come and he'll, like, I'll get

666
00:23:50,325 --> 00:23:52,164
my morning hug and we have a moment

667
00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:53,545
to just connect and it's delightful.

668
00:23:54,244 --> 00:23:55,765
Well, as he kind of I don't know,

669
00:23:55,765 --> 00:23:57,445
you were walking away or you we were

670
00:23:57,445 --> 00:23:59,839
done with our little hug. I rolled over.

671
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,960
I'm naked, y'all. I rolled over and, like,

672
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:05,259
popped my hip out so my ass hopefully

673
00:24:05,259 --> 00:24:06,960
looked enticing in the dark

674
00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:09,660
with somebody who was not thinking about, you

675
00:24:09,660 --> 00:24:10,160
know,

676
00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:11,200
nude,

677
00:24:11,644 --> 00:24:13,585
you know, submissives in their ass.

678
00:24:14,284 --> 00:24:16,284
And he he started opening the door, and

679
00:24:16,284 --> 00:24:17,264
I went, hey.

680
00:24:17,884 --> 00:24:18,784
What the hell?

681
00:24:20,284 --> 00:24:21,644
He goes, what? I'm like, I

682
00:24:22,365 --> 00:24:24,524
my ass is just hanging out here. What

683
00:24:24,524 --> 00:24:26,044
the hell? And what did you do? Go

684
00:24:26,044 --> 00:24:27,299
ahead. Tell him what you did.

685
00:24:28,259 --> 00:24:30,759
And I rolled her over on her back,

686
00:24:32,580 --> 00:24:33,559
spread her legs,

687
00:24:33,940 --> 00:24:36,259
and spanked her there. Yeah. I was like,

688
00:24:36,259 --> 00:24:39,000
no. That's not what how this was supposed

689
00:24:39,059 --> 00:24:41,265
to take. You don't always get what you

690
00:24:41,265 --> 00:24:41,765
want.

691
00:24:42,224 --> 00:24:44,804
And I am self aware enough to know,

692
00:24:45,105 --> 00:24:47,444
absolutely, that's bratting. I I don't

693
00:24:48,464 --> 00:24:51,044
it's not happening with any conscious thought, though.

694
00:24:51,184 --> 00:24:53,200
And it is happening over things we have

695
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,680
not done in a long time and I

696
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,440
really I gotta do some deep diving into

697
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,519
myself before that's a topic. That is not

698
00:24:59,519 --> 00:25:01,059
what this episode is about.

699
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,700
So yeah. I know. I mean,

700
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:05,779
I'm not

701
00:25:08,404 --> 00:25:10,884
ridiculous enough to think that you probably have

702
00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:11,384
not

703
00:25:12,085 --> 00:25:14,424
seen it or figured it out or

704
00:25:14,724 --> 00:25:16,724
whatever the problem is. And then here's an

705
00:25:16,804 --> 00:25:18,484
here's another thing. Here's a little bit why

706
00:25:18,484 --> 00:25:19,625
I don't wanna brat.

707
00:25:20,190 --> 00:25:20,690
Because

708
00:25:21,149 --> 00:25:22,369
this sadistic motherfucker,

709
00:25:22,909 --> 00:25:24,929
literally, I'm a mother. He fucks me.

710
00:25:27,309 --> 00:25:29,710
Will do the absolute opposite. If I don't

711
00:25:29,710 --> 00:25:31,309
just ask for what I want and then

712
00:25:31,309 --> 00:25:34,029
wait patiently for it, I will not get

713
00:25:34,029 --> 00:25:35,809
what I want. So where is the incentive

714
00:25:35,924 --> 00:25:37,705
for that? I would just be thwarted

715
00:25:38,164 --> 00:25:39,625
all the fucking time.

716
00:25:40,005 --> 00:25:41,845
And I will say the fight, the push

717
00:25:41,845 --> 00:25:44,345
pull of that, I don't usually find anything

718
00:25:45,285 --> 00:25:46,965
enjoyable about that. I want what the fuck

719
00:25:46,965 --> 00:25:49,065
I want. Yeah. Like why am I gonna

720
00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:50,820
do things that I know mean I won't

721
00:25:50,820 --> 00:25:52,359
get what I want? Like

722
00:25:52,740 --> 00:25:54,500
but, anyway, that's a whole different topic. We

723
00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:55,960
are completely off topic now.

724
00:25:56,339 --> 00:25:56,839
So

725
00:25:57,619 --> 00:25:59,619
I have this thing realizing, oh my god.

726
00:25:59,619 --> 00:26:01,220
I'm feeling it's a sense of shame. It's

727
00:26:01,220 --> 00:26:03,240
the fear. It's this or that. And then

728
00:26:03,414 --> 00:26:05,894
Instagram algorithm serves me up stuff about shame,

729
00:26:05,894 --> 00:26:07,994
and so I saved some of it. K.

730
00:26:08,615 --> 00:26:10,134
And there's two posts that were kind of

731
00:26:10,134 --> 00:26:11,894
a back to back from a therapist. Now,

732
00:26:11,894 --> 00:26:13,994
let me do a disclaimer here. Okay?

733
00:26:15,015 --> 00:26:16,799
It is very we all know,

734
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,920
you know, the Internet and social media especially

735
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,740
is where nuance goes to die. Okay?

736
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,200
We know that. We also know that there

737
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:26,559
are people, and if you don't know, now

738
00:26:26,559 --> 00:26:28,320
you do. There are absolutely people who will

739
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,980
just post the most batshit crazy stuff

740
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:32,825
because they want the clicks, the views, the

741
00:26:32,825 --> 00:26:34,365
money that comes with that, whatever whatever.

742
00:26:34,664 --> 00:26:36,285
So when you come across

743
00:26:36,744 --> 00:26:39,545
therapy kind of speaks, psychology, pop psychology, you

744
00:26:39,545 --> 00:26:41,065
gotta take that shit with a grain of

745
00:26:41,065 --> 00:26:41,884
salt. Okay?

746
00:26:42,505 --> 00:26:44,984
Now the thing I'm gonna say about this

747
00:26:44,984 --> 00:26:46,904
content is something that it's taken me a

748
00:26:46,904 --> 00:26:48,690
long time to wrap my head around. It

749
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:51,009
led to a lot of confusion for me

750
00:26:51,009 --> 00:26:52,369
trying to figure out who the fuck I

751
00:26:52,369 --> 00:26:54,529
am when the Internet was actually not being

752
00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:55,829
helpful, which is

753
00:26:56,369 --> 00:26:59,190
things that in this case will be identified

754
00:26:59,329 --> 00:27:01,029
as based on shame

755
00:27:01,409 --> 00:27:04,585
could also be based on something else. Right?

756
00:27:04,805 --> 00:27:07,285
We things overlap all the time. Your reasons

757
00:27:07,285 --> 00:27:09,704
why you do a thing overlap with other

758
00:27:10,005 --> 00:27:13,765
reasons out there. The way humans respond to

759
00:27:13,765 --> 00:27:16,904
different things can be similar but have different,

760
00:27:17,605 --> 00:27:20,460
you know, entry points, have different starting points,

761
00:27:20,460 --> 00:27:22,880
but they're not always all the same. Okay?

762
00:27:23,420 --> 00:27:25,740
And then, of course, humans have this great

763
00:27:25,740 --> 00:27:27,820
ability to defy all of the air quote

764
00:27:27,820 --> 00:27:30,799
rules and behave in a completely different way

765
00:27:31,180 --> 00:27:33,525
than anything anybody can list. It's all

766
00:27:34,484 --> 00:27:37,285
very personal. It's all very nuances, all all

767
00:27:37,285 --> 00:27:40,164
very dependent on you and your situation and

768
00:27:40,164 --> 00:27:41,605
who you are and blah blah blah blah.

769
00:27:41,605 --> 00:27:44,585
Right? So to the extent that you can,

770
00:27:45,125 --> 00:27:47,605
realize that some of this might sound like

771
00:27:47,605 --> 00:27:49,890
you and it might not be shame. Or

772
00:27:49,890 --> 00:27:51,170
some things you'll be like, I know I

773
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:52,369
do things that are shame and you're not

774
00:27:52,369 --> 00:27:54,869
listening to them. That makes sense too. Okay?

775
00:27:54,930 --> 00:27:58,130
That's my PSA about letting the Internet diagnose

776
00:27:58,130 --> 00:27:59,910
you with shit. Okay. So

777
00:28:00,210 --> 00:28:02,625
things I didn't realize were actually shame. I'm

778
00:28:02,625 --> 00:28:04,404
not gonna read every single one of them,

779
00:28:04,545 --> 00:28:05,605
but here are

780
00:28:06,065 --> 00:28:07,445
some that I recognize.

781
00:28:09,664 --> 00:28:10,644
Lola agrees.

782
00:28:11,265 --> 00:28:13,525
Avoiding eye contact because you feel exposed,

783
00:28:14,970 --> 00:28:18,190
Brushing off compliments instead of taking them in.

784
00:28:19,369 --> 00:28:21,070
Feeling guilty when you rest.

785
00:28:23,289 --> 00:28:25,289
Staying quiet even when you have something to

786
00:28:25,289 --> 00:28:27,049
say. Do you see if that that one

787
00:28:27,049 --> 00:28:28,515
right there could have multiple reasons why

788
00:28:33,315 --> 00:28:34,806
why you might do that. Right? Over explaining

789
00:28:34,806 --> 00:28:36,914
so no one misunderstands you. Oversharing the hardest

790
00:28:36,914 --> 00:28:39,174
part so people can leave before you're attached.

791
00:28:39,315 --> 00:28:41,394
That absolutely came up in at least one

792
00:28:41,394 --> 00:28:42,914
or two of the books in that series.

793
00:28:42,914 --> 00:28:43,894
Lola agrees.

794
00:28:45,269 --> 00:28:47,690
Downplaying your wins so you don't stand out.

795
00:28:50,309 --> 00:28:51,210
Let's say,

796
00:28:51,589 --> 00:28:53,750
replaying conversations in your head worrying you said

797
00:28:53,750 --> 00:28:54,569
the wrong thing.

798
00:28:56,950 --> 00:28:57,450
Overpreparing

799
00:28:57,829 --> 00:28:58,970
so you don't fail.

800
00:29:01,394 --> 00:29:03,875
Over analyzing texts and conversations. And here's the

801
00:29:03,875 --> 00:29:04,375
thing,

802
00:29:04,674 --> 00:29:06,914
that can be from anxiety. That can be

803
00:29:06,914 --> 00:29:08,755
from other things. So be careful with some

804
00:29:08,755 --> 00:29:09,335
of this.

805
00:29:11,579 --> 00:29:12,559
Alola agrees.

806
00:29:13,179 --> 00:29:15,279
Being hyper aware of how you come across,

807
00:29:15,579 --> 00:29:17,759
needing constant reassurance from others.

808
00:29:18,539 --> 00:29:20,240
And then I found this other one.

809
00:29:21,899 --> 00:29:24,825
Shame on the inside versus outside. Like, what

810
00:29:24,825 --> 00:29:27,244
you do outwardly and how you feel inside.

811
00:29:27,944 --> 00:29:28,444
Inside.

812
00:29:30,744 --> 00:29:32,044
Chronic self criticism.

813
00:29:33,144 --> 00:29:36,184
Believing love must be earned. It must not.

814
00:29:36,184 --> 00:29:38,585
But I I get the thinking somebody would

815
00:29:38,585 --> 00:29:40,619
have because I was like, I mean, yeah.

816
00:29:40,619 --> 00:29:43,519
But also what? No. Anyway, fear of rejection,

817
00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,519
guilt, feeling flawed or broken,

818
00:29:46,299 --> 00:29:49,039
extreme sensitivity to perceived criticism or disapproval,

819
00:29:51,180 --> 00:29:52,940
a lot of the avoiding eye contact. And

820
00:29:52,940 --> 00:29:54,140
I'm like, yeah. But there are other reasons

821
00:29:54,140 --> 00:29:56,214
to avoid eye contact, so this is where

822
00:29:56,214 --> 00:29:57,434
there's no nuance. Right?

823
00:29:57,815 --> 00:29:58,315
Outwardly,

824
00:29:58,934 --> 00:29:59,914
masking emotions,

825
00:30:00,535 --> 00:30:01,355
over apologizing,

826
00:30:01,815 --> 00:30:02,714
people pleasing,

827
00:30:03,734 --> 00:30:04,875
extreme independence,

828
00:30:05,974 --> 00:30:07,910
which kinda makes sense because if you're like,

829
00:30:07,910 --> 00:30:09,369
I can't let you see me

830
00:30:09,670 --> 00:30:11,750
need anything, and I can't trust you to

831
00:30:11,750 --> 00:30:13,349
be there for me. But again, that can

832
00:30:13,349 --> 00:30:15,990
come from other things. Right? Right. Overexplaining or

833
00:30:15,990 --> 00:30:19,450
justifying oneself, self deprecating humor as a shield,

834
00:30:20,230 --> 00:30:23,285
shutting down or withdrawing when feeling emotionally exposed.

835
00:30:24,384 --> 00:30:26,305
I don't know what you're talking about with

836
00:30:26,305 --> 00:30:26,805
that.

837
00:30:27,825 --> 00:30:29,744
So when that came up, I was like,

838
00:30:29,744 --> 00:30:31,525
fucking hell. We gotta talk about Shane.

839
00:30:32,305 --> 00:30:32,805
So

840
00:30:33,664 --> 00:30:34,164
that's

841
00:30:35,105 --> 00:30:37,470
that's what we're doing here. Here. I what

842
00:30:37,470 --> 00:30:38,910
I did when I realized we'd had the

843
00:30:38,910 --> 00:30:40,910
twenty twenty episode, I was like, well, that's

844
00:30:40,910 --> 00:30:42,670
a long fucking time. And shame is not

845
00:30:42,670 --> 00:30:44,210
a new concept. It's been,

846
00:30:44,829 --> 00:30:48,049
you know, studied and discussed and whatever whatever

847
00:30:48,934 --> 00:30:50,934
well before 2020. So I was like, okay.

848
00:30:50,934 --> 00:30:53,015
What's what's been going on in the past

849
00:30:53,015 --> 00:30:54,855
five years? What are how are people talking

850
00:30:54,855 --> 00:30:56,134
about it now? And I did find several

851
00:30:56,134 --> 00:30:56,634
resources,

852
00:30:57,494 --> 00:30:58,634
including a study,

853
00:30:59,255 --> 00:31:01,595
that looked at sexual shame specifically.

854
00:31:03,015 --> 00:31:05,049
And that was, you know, when you when

855
00:31:05,049 --> 00:31:06,750
you do a Google search for,

856
00:31:07,129 --> 00:31:09,149
like, general shame, you get

857
00:31:09,450 --> 00:31:12,250
general answers. Mhmm. Sexual shame, you get more

858
00:31:12,250 --> 00:31:14,490
specific answers, but still didn't quite fit in

859
00:31:14,490 --> 00:31:16,589
with, you know, shame over,

860
00:31:17,129 --> 00:31:18,589
you know, kinks that you

861
00:31:19,515 --> 00:31:22,634
might have or your feelings about kinks or,

862
00:31:22,634 --> 00:31:25,355
you know, your feelings about your kink identity.

863
00:31:25,355 --> 00:31:27,934
Right? So it's a lot of, as usual,

864
00:31:28,154 --> 00:31:28,654
extrapolation

865
00:31:30,315 --> 00:31:30,815
and,

866
00:31:31,450 --> 00:31:32,269
trying to

867
00:31:32,650 --> 00:31:34,029
kind of piece it together,

868
00:31:34,970 --> 00:31:36,029
and when necessary,

869
00:31:36,570 --> 00:31:37,950
seeking professional help.

870
00:31:39,289 --> 00:31:41,049
So here, I've got the links in the

871
00:31:41,049 --> 00:31:42,250
places to all this if you wanna take

872
00:31:42,250 --> 00:31:43,369
a look at it. But here, I've got

873
00:31:43,369 --> 00:31:45,825
notes. I gotta read them. Bear with me.

874
00:31:45,825 --> 00:31:46,325
So,

875
00:31:47,105 --> 00:31:48,725
one of the things is shame,

876
00:31:49,505 --> 00:31:52,005
feeling like exposure and vulnerability,

877
00:31:52,545 --> 00:31:53,924
truly being seen.

878
00:31:54,384 --> 00:31:54,884
And,

879
00:31:56,429 --> 00:31:56,929
yes.

880
00:31:59,069 --> 00:31:59,569
And

881
00:32:00,750 --> 00:32:02,529
I find this ironic because

882
00:32:04,909 --> 00:32:05,970
prior to this moment,

883
00:32:06,349 --> 00:32:07,710
I would have been like, oh, I love

884
00:32:07,710 --> 00:32:08,210
JBC

885
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,345
every bit of me. The good, bad, ugly.

886
00:32:10,345 --> 00:32:11,884
He has seen me in

887
00:32:12,984 --> 00:32:15,224
some things I I wish nobody could, you

888
00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:17,625
know, see me as or see who I

889
00:32:17,625 --> 00:32:18,125
am.

890
00:32:18,505 --> 00:32:19,325
And yet,

891
00:32:20,744 --> 00:32:22,285
I still do have that.

892
00:32:23,140 --> 00:32:26,339
I I feel like ripped open, flayed as

893
00:32:26,339 --> 00:32:29,059
if like it's everything's exposed and you're gonna

894
00:32:29,059 --> 00:32:30,740
see the real me. And I don't have

895
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:32,900
the sense of, oh, he's not gonna like

896
00:32:32,900 --> 00:32:35,460
it. I get the sense, like your childhood

897
00:32:35,460 --> 00:32:37,240
trauma, of, oh, I am bad.

898
00:32:37,734 --> 00:32:39,815
Because that's the thing. Shame and guilt get

899
00:32:39,815 --> 00:32:40,315
conflated.

900
00:32:41,095 --> 00:32:42,075
Shame is,

901
00:32:43,335 --> 00:32:44,714
I did a bad thing.

902
00:32:45,095 --> 00:32:47,654
No. I'm sorry. Guilt is goddamn it. Guilt

903
00:32:47,654 --> 00:32:49,734
is I did a bad thing. Shame is

904
00:32:49,734 --> 00:32:50,634
I am bad.

905
00:32:52,380 --> 00:32:53,519
That's a very

906
00:32:53,980 --> 00:32:54,799
not nuanced

907
00:32:55,420 --> 00:32:57,519
binary way of thinking about them and separating

908
00:32:57,580 --> 00:33:00,059
them. Guilt is actually a good thing to

909
00:33:00,059 --> 00:33:01,580
a certain extent. If you did a bad

910
00:33:01,580 --> 00:33:03,420
thing, please feel bad about it and then

911
00:33:03,420 --> 00:33:04,960
do what you can to repair. Right?

912
00:33:05,340 --> 00:33:07,200
Shame though is very internalized.

913
00:33:07,605 --> 00:33:10,085
It's very identity driven and it's

914
00:33:10,644 --> 00:33:12,964
I can't imagine a scenario where it is

915
00:33:12,964 --> 00:33:13,464
helpful.

916
00:33:14,005 --> 00:33:15,765
And that that is a thing that I

917
00:33:15,765 --> 00:33:17,684
have noticed when there are parts of myself

918
00:33:17,684 --> 00:33:18,724
that I'm like, god, I wish I just

919
00:33:18,724 --> 00:33:20,884
had the confidence to just do that, be

920
00:33:20,884 --> 00:33:21,625
that, whatever.

921
00:33:22,019 --> 00:33:24,420
And when I let myself think deeper, it

922
00:33:24,420 --> 00:33:26,259
comes out as I am bad. And I

923
00:33:26,259 --> 00:33:27,420
don't I don't want you to see that

924
00:33:27,420 --> 00:33:29,640
I am bad. I'm not bad. I'm perfectly

925
00:33:29,700 --> 00:33:31,380
fine to the extent anybody can be in

926
00:33:31,380 --> 00:33:32,440
2025.

927
00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:35,700
How does that resonate? Not my feelings, but

928
00:33:35,940 --> 00:33:38,855
Mhmm. That shame being as truly being seen,

929
00:33:38,855 --> 00:33:41,815
afraid to be seen, having feelings about like,

930
00:33:41,815 --> 00:33:43,414
do you does that resonate with any of

931
00:33:43,414 --> 00:33:44,954
your own experiences? Yes.

932
00:33:45,414 --> 00:33:46,954
Oh, yes. Absolutely.

933
00:33:48,214 --> 00:33:48,454
And,

934
00:33:49,130 --> 00:33:51,470
even now sometimes as much as we have,

935
00:33:51,529 --> 00:33:52,190
you know,

936
00:33:52,650 --> 00:33:54,410
our relationship that we have that we talk

937
00:33:54,410 --> 00:33:56,090
about so many things, sometimes there are things

938
00:33:56,090 --> 00:33:57,690
that are are difficult for me to bring

939
00:33:57,690 --> 00:33:58,350
up too

940
00:33:59,369 --> 00:34:00,269
for that reason.

941
00:34:01,450 --> 00:34:01,950
So,

942
00:34:02,330 --> 00:34:03,855
you know, I I think it's something that

943
00:34:03,934 --> 00:34:06,734
can affect anybody. Oh, of course. Of course.

944
00:34:06,734 --> 00:34:08,574
And for a multitude of reasons. Somebody in

945
00:34:08,574 --> 00:34:10,675
live chat, you know, pointed out religious

946
00:34:10,974 --> 00:34:11,795
Shane from,

947
00:34:13,295 --> 00:34:14,914
religious teachings or upbringing

948
00:34:15,215 --> 00:34:17,670
about kinks, about sex, sex, about fucking anything.

949
00:34:17,670 --> 00:34:19,510
Yeah. The people I see online who talk

950
00:34:19,510 --> 00:34:20,730
about kind of deconstructing

951
00:34:21,109 --> 00:34:23,690
their religious upbringing and what they were sort

952
00:34:23,829 --> 00:34:24,969
of taught and

953
00:34:25,269 --> 00:34:25,769
whatever.

954
00:34:26,710 --> 00:34:28,389
Yeah. I I can I can see where

955
00:34:28,389 --> 00:34:30,010
that would be very tough?

956
00:34:31,355 --> 00:34:34,094
Is there anything that you're willing to share

957
00:34:35,275 --> 00:34:37,514
where you've had those moments that whether they're

958
00:34:37,514 --> 00:34:40,014
kink related or relationship related, anything

959
00:34:40,474 --> 00:34:42,894
where that still kinda comes up for you?

960
00:34:45,699 --> 00:34:47,619
Not not off the top of my head.

961
00:34:47,619 --> 00:34:48,119
No.

962
00:34:49,059 --> 00:34:49,619
I'm gonna

963
00:34:50,260 --> 00:34:51,619
I know you'll tell me, I don't wanna

964
00:34:51,619 --> 00:34:53,640
fucking talk about that, so feel free.

965
00:34:54,340 --> 00:34:55,079
When you

966
00:34:57,465 --> 00:34:58,684
realize that

967
00:34:59,305 --> 00:35:00,505
what that you,

968
00:35:01,305 --> 00:35:03,164
are depressed, you have depression. Mhmm.

969
00:35:04,345 --> 00:35:06,345
Especially because I know we've kinda had conversations

970
00:35:06,345 --> 00:35:07,945
where you're like, oh, I oh, oh, that's

971
00:35:07,945 --> 00:35:09,224
how I've been feeling or that's where it

972
00:35:09,224 --> 00:35:09,785
comes from or

973
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,099
when that initially happened for you,

974
00:35:14,119 --> 00:35:15,719
was that a thing where you kind of,

975
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:16,859
like, I did with submission.

976
00:35:17,159 --> 00:35:19,079
Oh, okay. It makes sense. Or did it

977
00:35:19,079 --> 00:35:19,819
lead to

978
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,099
down the road that could lead to shame?

979
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:26,619
It was it was for me,

980
00:35:27,215 --> 00:35:27,715
that

981
00:35:29,215 --> 00:35:30,914
was a slow burn. Mhmm.

982
00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:31,795
Okay?

983
00:35:32,974 --> 00:35:34,034
You know, with

984
00:35:34,414 --> 00:35:36,655
with kink, it was like a a light

985
00:35:36,655 --> 00:35:38,974
bulb moment. Right. Okay. And then you were

986
00:35:38,974 --> 00:35:40,900
shamed by other people for for it. We

987
00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:42,920
talked about that in that twenty twenty episode.

988
00:35:43,139 --> 00:35:43,639
Right.

989
00:35:46,739 --> 00:35:47,239
Shit.

990
00:35:47,699 --> 00:35:49,639
The reason I ask is you have moments

991
00:35:50,340 --> 00:35:52,660
where you're being vulnerable with me Mhmm.

992
00:35:53,059 --> 00:35:55,300
Where you kind of remind me of you

993
00:35:55,300 --> 00:35:56,835
make me think of what you probably were

994
00:35:56,835 --> 00:35:57,335
like

995
00:35:58,195 --> 00:35:59,715
you make me think of your inner child

996
00:35:59,715 --> 00:36:02,914
of little JB who should have had people

997
00:36:02,914 --> 00:36:04,454
protect him and love him.

998
00:36:04,994 --> 00:36:06,695
And you kind of have this

999
00:36:07,394 --> 00:36:08,695
you've never said it,

1000
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,200
but you've got this air of, am I

1001
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,599
bad? Did that happen because I'm and that's

1002
00:36:13,599 --> 00:36:15,760
a shame kind of feeling. And I don't

1003
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:16,960
want you to feel like that, and I'd

1004
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,320
like to kick the ass of everybody who

1005
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:19,306
ever made you feel like it Anybody bad?

1006
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:20,720
But it I know it can still be

1007
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,099
there. That comes from

1008
00:36:22,885 --> 00:36:23,704
a mother

1009
00:36:24,405 --> 00:36:24,905
who

1010
00:36:25,684 --> 00:36:26,184
consistently

1011
00:36:26,565 --> 00:36:29,285
told me I was bad My and that

1012
00:36:29,285 --> 00:36:30,905
I was gonna be struck down.

1013
00:36:32,085 --> 00:36:32,825
That religious

1014
00:36:33,204 --> 00:36:34,825
bullshit'll fuck you up.

1015
00:36:35,849 --> 00:36:38,089
So that's that's where that came from with

1016
00:36:38,089 --> 00:36:39,929
me. But that's what I'm saying. Some of

1017
00:36:39,929 --> 00:36:41,609
that gets internalized even if you don't want

1018
00:36:41,609 --> 00:36:43,469
it to be. Even if You know, now,

1019
00:36:44,409 --> 00:36:46,429
at fucking 64 years old,

1020
00:36:46,809 --> 00:36:49,514
I look back and I'm like, okay. She

1021
00:36:49,514 --> 00:36:50,815
told me consistently

1022
00:36:51,114 --> 00:36:53,114
how bad I was how bad I was.

1023
00:36:53,114 --> 00:36:55,514
So I I did what she expected of

1024
00:36:55,514 --> 00:36:57,355
me. You did just you did just And

1025
00:36:57,355 --> 00:36:58,974
and I became a bad kid.

1026
00:36:59,755 --> 00:37:02,894
I did. And and Yeah. Self fulfilling prophecy.

1027
00:37:03,269 --> 00:37:05,269
Pretty much. If if I am this, then

1028
00:37:05,269 --> 00:37:06,789
I would be I was treated as being

1029
00:37:06,789 --> 00:37:09,750
bad Right. Even if I wasn't. So I

1030
00:37:09,750 --> 00:37:12,150
became bad because that's what was expected of

1031
00:37:12,150 --> 00:37:14,390
me. Right. Yeah. Self fulfilling prophecy. Right. For

1032
00:37:14,390 --> 00:37:16,885
sure. For sure. Like I said, do I

1033
00:37:16,885 --> 00:37:18,105
wish I could, like,

1034
00:37:19,045 --> 00:37:21,844
physically harm the people Yeah. That treated you

1035
00:37:21,844 --> 00:37:22,344
poorly?

1036
00:37:23,284 --> 00:37:24,804
Yes. I would love to go back. And

1037
00:37:24,804 --> 00:37:26,565
that that's what I've used the time machine

1038
00:37:26,565 --> 00:37:28,510
for. Yeah. But, you know, with with with

1039
00:37:28,510 --> 00:37:30,349
with my depression and and a lot of

1040
00:37:30,349 --> 00:37:30,930
the realizations

1041
00:37:31,950 --> 00:37:34,210
that have have come along with it

1042
00:37:35,150 --> 00:37:37,230
since since I've been diagnosed, and I know

1043
00:37:37,230 --> 00:37:38,769
what is happening with me,

1044
00:37:41,085 --> 00:37:41,824
For me,

1045
00:37:43,324 --> 00:37:44,545
the the shame

1046
00:37:45,324 --> 00:37:47,184
that I feel with that,

1047
00:37:48,364 --> 00:37:49,184
is like,

1048
00:37:49,485 --> 00:37:51,744
oh my god, this is something I have

1049
00:37:51,804 --> 00:37:54,065
probably dealt with all my life,

1050
00:37:54,769 --> 00:37:57,030
did not realize it, I I buried it

1051
00:37:57,170 --> 00:37:59,989
somehow and managed to to function.

1052
00:38:00,369 --> 00:38:04,230
Yeah. Yeah. And and and there are times

1053
00:38:04,289 --> 00:38:05,349
I find myself

1054
00:38:08,204 --> 00:38:09,825
asking myself about the,

1055
00:38:11,565 --> 00:38:12,385
certain situations.

1056
00:38:13,085 --> 00:38:14,065
The way I

1057
00:38:15,005 --> 00:38:16,065
see them and

1058
00:38:17,164 --> 00:38:19,805
and experience them and perceive them, was that

1059
00:38:19,805 --> 00:38:20,305
me

1060
00:38:21,085 --> 00:38:21,985
or was it

1061
00:38:22,389 --> 00:38:23,769
the depression? Mhmm. Mhmm.

1062
00:38:24,710 --> 00:38:26,969
Because I I have come to

1063
00:38:27,349 --> 00:38:27,849
realize,

1064
00:38:30,309 --> 00:38:31,610
when I hit my lows,

1065
00:38:33,989 --> 00:38:36,309
the bad talk that goes on Sure. Oh,

1066
00:38:36,309 --> 00:38:36,809
yeah.

1067
00:38:37,594 --> 00:38:39,775
Okay. And it's not always just,

1068
00:38:42,714 --> 00:38:44,094
about me. Mhmm.

1069
00:38:44,795 --> 00:38:45,295
And,

1070
00:38:45,994 --> 00:38:47,694
you know, I have to ask myself,

1071
00:38:47,994 --> 00:38:48,734
how many

1072
00:38:50,519 --> 00:38:51,420
things throughout

1073
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:54,360
my life had been skewed because of the

1074
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:54,860
depression?

1075
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,179
Mhmm. That's where my shame

1076
00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,039
comes from with it. Wish I had a

1077
00:39:00,039 --> 00:39:01,480
magic wand. I know. But you don't have

1078
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,160
to feel shame. I know. Because there's nothing

1079
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,795
shameful in that. There's

1080
00:39:05,355 --> 00:39:07,515
there is nothing shameful. You are not bad.

1081
00:39:07,515 --> 00:39:09,135
You did not do life wrong.

1082
00:39:09,755 --> 00:39:10,735
None of that.

1083
00:39:11,114 --> 00:39:13,355
But it is very easy for me to

1084
00:39:13,355 --> 00:39:15,355
say it and a completely different thing for

1085
00:39:15,355 --> 00:39:16,414
you to internal

1086
00:39:17,429 --> 00:39:19,550
Whether that's to get angry at the way

1087
00:39:19,550 --> 00:39:20,670
you were treated at the things that led

1088
00:39:20,670 --> 00:39:21,210
you there.

1089
00:39:21,670 --> 00:39:22,170
To,

1090
00:39:22,469 --> 00:39:25,190
you know, have whatever other feelings you might

1091
00:39:25,190 --> 00:39:26,969
have Mhmm. About

1092
00:39:28,230 --> 00:39:29,235
all of it.

1093
00:39:30,434 --> 00:39:32,215
Let me just interject here because

1094
00:39:32,914 --> 00:39:34,035
the thing I was about to say was,

1095
00:39:34,035 --> 00:39:35,474
and that is what a great therapist can

1096
00:39:35,474 --> 00:39:36,215
help with.

1097
00:39:37,635 --> 00:39:39,735
Wait. We blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1098
00:39:40,035 --> 00:39:42,055
We have linked in the places

1099
00:39:42,619 --> 00:39:44,140
to a link we use all the time.

1100
00:39:44,140 --> 00:39:46,000
We recommend all the time, Kinkaware Professionals,

1101
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:48,539
so that you can look in your basic

1102
00:39:48,539 --> 00:39:49,039
area.

1103
00:39:49,340 --> 00:39:50,699
If you're looking for a therapist or if

1104
00:39:50,699 --> 00:39:52,780
you're looking for like any other kind of

1105
00:39:52,780 --> 00:39:54,780
service professional, then you want them to be

1106
00:39:54,780 --> 00:39:57,644
Kinkaware. Yeah. So anybody who is resonating with

1107
00:39:57,644 --> 00:39:59,244
this and you're like, yeah, where the fuck

1108
00:39:59,244 --> 00:40:00,445
do I find one? And I can tell

1109
00:40:00,445 --> 00:40:01,505
them I am kinky.

1110
00:40:02,125 --> 00:40:03,184
That might be a resource.

1111
00:40:05,405 --> 00:40:06,385
Yeah. I mean,

1112
00:40:07,085 --> 00:40:09,425
part of the reason I

1113
00:40:12,489 --> 00:40:12,889
have,

1114
00:40:14,089 --> 00:40:15,789
poured a little salt in that wound,

1115
00:40:16,170 --> 00:40:17,929
which is not was not my intention, but

1116
00:40:17,929 --> 00:40:19,369
to try and get you to talk about

1117
00:40:19,369 --> 00:40:20,349
it a little bit,

1118
00:40:22,730 --> 00:40:23,549
is more

1119
00:40:24,425 --> 00:40:24,925
dominance.

1120
00:40:25,385 --> 00:40:26,925
Need to see dominance

1121
00:40:27,304 --> 00:40:29,164
who are like, yes, I deal with depression.

1122
00:40:29,224 --> 00:40:30,824
Yes, I've had feelings of shame. Yes, I've

1123
00:40:30,824 --> 00:40:32,045
had to overcome all this,

1124
00:40:32,664 --> 00:40:34,905
and I am still a pretty decent fucking

1125
00:40:34,905 --> 00:40:38,909
dom. The most amazing dom ever, but he

1126
00:40:38,909 --> 00:40:40,130
won't say that about himself.

1127
00:40:42,670 --> 00:40:44,109
You know, like you I think you might

1128
00:40:44,109 --> 00:40:45,949
be a little biased, but thank you. Who

1129
00:40:45,949 --> 00:40:47,469
gives a fuck? It's my show and my

1130
00:40:47,469 --> 00:40:47,969
microphone.

1131
00:40:48,829 --> 00:40:50,369
Say what the fuck I wanna say.

1132
00:40:52,184 --> 00:40:54,664
And and that is also important. I think

1133
00:40:54,664 --> 00:40:55,724
that submissives

1134
00:40:56,184 --> 00:40:58,025
in general, if you tend to be an

1135
00:40:58,025 --> 00:41:00,744
introspective person or if you are getting therapy

1136
00:41:00,744 --> 00:41:03,565
and working through your you know, it's not

1137
00:41:03,704 --> 00:41:04,765
completely uncommon

1138
00:41:05,385 --> 00:41:08,119
in my experience with talking to kinksters for

1139
00:41:08,119 --> 00:41:09,320
it to feel like it's a lot of

1140
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:11,000
submissives who are like, yeah. I'm I'm feeling

1141
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,599
a sense of shame because I'm submissive. That's

1142
00:41:12,599 --> 00:41:14,380
usually from cis women. Right?

1143
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:15,980
Or, you know,

1144
00:41:17,079 --> 00:41:18,680
I know I'm doing this because of that

1145
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,505
or I've had to, like, grapple with these

1146
00:41:20,664 --> 00:41:21,164
feelings.

1147
00:41:21,625 --> 00:41:23,464
Again, it's not everybody, but it's just in

1148
00:41:23,464 --> 00:41:25,545
my experience. That's who I've seen having these

1149
00:41:25,545 --> 00:41:27,565
conversations about themselves and with themselves

1150
00:41:27,944 --> 00:41:28,764
is submissives.

1151
00:41:29,304 --> 00:41:30,125
And dominants

1152
00:41:30,505 --> 00:41:32,585
seem to think they gotta walk around all,

1153
00:41:32,585 --> 00:41:33,569
like, stoic

1154
00:41:33,869 --> 00:41:36,989
and stern and calm, cool, and collected. And

1155
00:41:36,989 --> 00:41:39,069
look, in a scene, I am down with

1156
00:41:39,069 --> 00:41:39,809
that shit.

1157
00:41:40,989 --> 00:41:43,949
You are still a fully formed human with

1158
00:41:43,949 --> 00:41:46,109
all of the bullshit that comes along with

1159
00:41:46,109 --> 00:41:46,609
that,

1160
00:41:47,675 --> 00:41:49,914
And you are not immune to these things.

1161
00:41:49,914 --> 00:41:52,094
Quite frankly, if regardless of your,

1162
00:41:54,235 --> 00:41:56,014
power dynamic and and your role,

1163
00:41:56,355 --> 00:41:56,855
you

1164
00:41:57,195 --> 00:41:59,114
know, it is extremely common. Most people do

1165
00:41:59,114 --> 00:42:01,230
push that shit down. Whatever you push down

1166
00:42:01,230 --> 00:42:03,550
will come out in other ways. You know?

1167
00:42:03,550 --> 00:42:05,329
It it will. Eventually, it will.

1168
00:42:07,230 --> 00:42:07,730
But,

1169
00:42:08,110 --> 00:42:08,690
you know,

1170
00:42:09,150 --> 00:42:10,829
I think sometimes we have I don't not

1171
00:42:10,829 --> 00:42:13,070
saying pushing anything down and repressing things is

1172
00:42:13,070 --> 00:42:15,355
good, actually. That's not what I'm saying. But

1173
00:42:15,355 --> 00:42:16,175
I do understand

1174
00:42:16,795 --> 00:42:18,394
sometimes having to kinda go, you have to

1175
00:42:18,394 --> 00:42:19,594
go this feeling has to go on the

1176
00:42:19,594 --> 00:42:21,114
fucking back burner because I gotta get through

1177
00:42:21,114 --> 00:42:22,074
life, and I gotta go to work, and

1178
00:42:22,074 --> 00:42:23,355
I gotta pay bills, I gotta raise kids,

1179
00:42:23,355 --> 00:42:24,795
I gotta do this, I gotta do that.

1180
00:42:24,795 --> 00:42:25,295
But

1181
00:42:26,635 --> 00:42:28,655
to the extent that any of us can,

1182
00:42:29,030 --> 00:42:31,609
try not to wait until it has exploded

1183
00:42:31,750 --> 00:42:33,829
out of you in the worst possible way

1184
00:42:33,829 --> 00:42:35,829
to go deal with that. Right? Deal with

1185
00:42:35,829 --> 00:42:37,589
that in whatever that way that might mean

1186
00:42:37,589 --> 00:42:40,409
for you. Because usually once it explodes out,

1187
00:42:40,469 --> 00:42:42,984
you know, that's when relationships get burned down.

1188
00:42:42,984 --> 00:42:43,804
That's when,

1189
00:42:44,264 --> 00:42:46,925
you know, whole lives get burned down because

1190
00:42:47,465 --> 00:42:49,065
you push down, you push down, you push

1191
00:42:49,065 --> 00:42:50,585
down. It comes out and it comes out

1192
00:42:50,585 --> 00:42:51,724
sometimes very destructively,

1193
00:42:52,184 --> 00:42:53,945
you know, in a ways you would never

1194
00:42:53,945 --> 00:42:55,864
have intended, you would never have wanted,

1195
00:42:57,410 --> 00:42:59,170
which is why you kinda we need to

1196
00:42:59,170 --> 00:43:00,070
have these conversations.

1197
00:43:00,610 --> 00:43:02,369
If you are in a safe relationship and

1198
00:43:02,369 --> 00:43:04,210
you know that you can trust your partner

1199
00:43:04,210 --> 00:43:06,050
with this kind of level of vulnerability and

1200
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:06,550
intimacy,

1201
00:43:07,090 --> 00:43:08,610
to the extent that you can have these

1202
00:43:08,610 --> 00:43:10,484
conversations with each other. Just be open and

1203
00:43:10,484 --> 00:43:11,684
honest. You don't have to try and fix

1204
00:43:11,684 --> 00:43:14,184
one another. Please don't. Unless you are, like,

1205
00:43:15,444 --> 00:43:17,204
a professional who could do that if it

1206
00:43:17,204 --> 00:43:19,525
wasn't unethical to do that to somebody you're

1207
00:43:19,525 --> 00:43:20,744
in a relationship with.

1208
00:43:22,164 --> 00:43:24,085
But, you know, it's sometimes just being able

1209
00:43:24,085 --> 00:43:25,289
to listen,

1210
00:43:25,589 --> 00:43:27,190
and you'll know you're not alone when they're

1211
00:43:27,190 --> 00:43:28,889
sharing something. And sometimes,

1212
00:43:29,429 --> 00:43:31,589
just hearing, no. You are good enough. No.

1213
00:43:31,589 --> 00:43:33,750
You it doesn't fix anything, but it can

1214
00:43:33,750 --> 00:43:35,429
be like this balm. You know? It's like,

1215
00:43:35,429 --> 00:43:37,269
oh, I'm loved. I I feel like the

1216
00:43:37,269 --> 00:43:38,974
love right now. I wish I could believe

1217
00:43:38,974 --> 00:43:40,434
it, but I do feel loved.

1218
00:43:42,494 --> 00:43:43,855
So here's the thing I found in a

1219
00:43:43,855 --> 00:43:46,094
couple of places that I really liked. So

1220
00:43:46,094 --> 00:43:48,095
it's like fighting against shame. And I I

1221
00:43:48,175 --> 00:43:48,835
it was

1222
00:43:49,454 --> 00:43:50,494
talked about both

1223
00:43:51,375 --> 00:43:53,059
was talked about within a kink

1224
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,640
article I read or just somebody who's kind

1225
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:56,260
of like

1226
00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:58,239
affirming because we're you know, shame could come

1227
00:43:58,239 --> 00:44:00,320
from so many sources. I feel like maybe

1228
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:01,300
one of the articles

1229
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,539
on on memory here now,

1230
00:44:03,934 --> 00:44:05,295
they might have been like one of those

1231
00:44:05,295 --> 00:44:07,454
very nice affirming, like, of all identities and

1232
00:44:07,454 --> 00:44:07,954
LGBTQIA,

1233
00:44:08,655 --> 00:44:11,315
marginalized identities and marginalized communities and

1234
00:44:11,855 --> 00:44:14,175
who, you know, can be made to feel

1235
00:44:14,175 --> 00:44:15,954
a sense of shame from the outside.

1236
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:17,820
Right? And so

1237
00:44:18,359 --> 00:44:20,199
a thing I saw a couple times was

1238
00:44:20,199 --> 00:44:21,260
as a way to

1239
00:44:22,679 --> 00:44:23,980
fight back against shame,

1240
00:44:24,359 --> 00:44:24,859
to

1241
00:44:25,159 --> 00:44:26,059
work to

1242
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:28,864
free yourself from some shame. It's this idea

1243
00:44:28,864 --> 00:44:29,764
that desire

1244
00:44:30,065 --> 00:44:31,684
is resistance and liberation.

1245
00:44:32,625 --> 00:44:35,664
Being free, being who you really are and

1246
00:44:35,664 --> 00:44:37,105
embracing it. And I'm thinking of it in

1247
00:44:37,105 --> 00:44:38,864
a kink perspective, but it's not always that's

1248
00:44:38,864 --> 00:44:39,925
not the only way.

1249
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:41,860
Just to be unapologetically

1250
00:44:42,559 --> 00:44:44,579
yourself, which is hard.

1251
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:47,700
It's very difficult.

1252
00:44:49,039 --> 00:44:49,860
That is

1253
00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:52,000
I don't you know, part of the way

1254
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:53,380
I interpret that is it's

1255
00:44:54,035 --> 00:44:56,675
it's almost like armor against somebody shaming you

1256
00:44:56,675 --> 00:44:58,295
from the outside. If you

1257
00:44:58,835 --> 00:45:01,155
are free, you know, you are free and

1258
00:45:01,155 --> 00:45:03,094
you can be seen and you are confident

1259
00:45:03,155 --> 00:45:03,655
in,

1260
00:45:03,954 --> 00:45:05,715
you know, in this case, your desires. What's

1261
00:45:05,795 --> 00:45:08,195
you know, your kinks, the things you want,

1262
00:45:08,195 --> 00:45:11,079
the the role you inhabit within a dynamic,

1263
00:45:11,220 --> 00:45:12,760
you know, to just

1264
00:45:13,260 --> 00:45:13,880
it's almost

1265
00:45:15,140 --> 00:45:17,000
it's almost a fuck you to

1266
00:45:17,300 --> 00:45:18,360
the kink shamers

1267
00:45:18,660 --> 00:45:19,160
and,

1268
00:45:19,700 --> 00:45:21,700
you know, the folks outside of kink non

1269
00:45:21,700 --> 00:45:24,815
kinksters who immediately look down on it, immediately

1270
00:45:24,815 --> 00:45:27,054
assume it's abuse, immediately think the worst of

1271
00:45:27,054 --> 00:45:28,514
it based on

1272
00:45:28,974 --> 00:45:30,355
not a single good example

1273
00:45:30,815 --> 00:45:32,275
of kink. You know what I mean?

1274
00:45:32,734 --> 00:45:35,474
Because some of that that shame and those

1275
00:45:36,335 --> 00:45:36,809
those

1276
00:45:37,369 --> 00:45:39,210
the forces that want you to feel shame

1277
00:45:39,210 --> 00:45:41,390
are coming from the outside. They are pressing

1278
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:42,269
on you.

1279
00:45:42,730 --> 00:45:44,489
And the more of us the sort of

1280
00:45:44,489 --> 00:45:46,170
the thinking is the more of us who

1281
00:45:46,170 --> 00:45:46,829
are just

1282
00:45:47,130 --> 00:45:48,730
free to be who we are because I

1283
00:45:48,730 --> 00:45:50,170
mean, you have to tell everybody who you

1284
00:45:50,170 --> 00:45:52,394
are, but you just live your life authentically,

1285
00:45:52,394 --> 00:45:54,494
and you live as your most authentic self.

1286
00:45:56,155 --> 00:45:57,675
It's a way it's a a type of

1287
00:45:57,675 --> 00:45:58,175
liberation.

1288
00:45:59,114 --> 00:46:00,735
They can fight back against shame,

1289
00:46:01,675 --> 00:46:03,594
and with help from all kinds of other

1290
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:06,059
things, probably help overcome it as well. You

1291
00:46:06,059 --> 00:46:08,640
know, that's, like, my kind of little fantasy

1292
00:46:08,700 --> 00:46:10,539
in my head of, what if I could

1293
00:46:10,539 --> 00:46:11,360
just be

1294
00:46:11,980 --> 00:46:13,900
fully I'm not sure the world is ready

1295
00:46:13,900 --> 00:46:16,239
for that. And completely and unapologetically

1296
00:46:16,860 --> 00:46:19,454
myself. Like, I am always admire whether it's

1297
00:46:19,454 --> 00:46:21,315
content creators or fictional characters

1298
00:46:21,695 --> 00:46:22,434
who just

1299
00:46:22,735 --> 00:46:24,335
are who they are. And if you don't

1300
00:46:24,335 --> 00:46:25,315
like it, like,

1301
00:46:25,775 --> 00:46:27,454
not even on their radar. You know? They

1302
00:46:27,454 --> 00:46:28,914
would never try to be purposefully

1303
00:46:30,094 --> 00:46:32,815
rude or harsher hurt feelings or harm somebody.

1304
00:46:32,815 --> 00:46:34,914
They will do the repair of that,

1305
00:46:35,420 --> 00:46:37,119
but they're not gonna apologize

1306
00:46:37,500 --> 00:46:38,640
for showing up

1307
00:46:38,940 --> 00:46:40,960
as their authentic self. They're not gonna apologize

1308
00:46:41,099 --> 00:46:42,640
for, you know, being,

1309
00:46:44,059 --> 00:46:45,200
you know, straightforward

1310
00:46:45,579 --> 00:46:46,079
or

1311
00:46:46,380 --> 00:46:48,700
not playing along with social niceties or whatever

1312
00:46:48,700 --> 00:46:50,894
whatever. And there is I mean,

1313
00:46:51,355 --> 00:46:52,795
yeah. There's a part of me that wishes

1314
00:46:52,795 --> 00:46:54,974
I could you know, you've talked about this

1315
00:46:55,034 --> 00:46:56,954
in past episodes. I can't remember which one

1316
00:46:56,954 --> 00:46:58,954
where you're like, I wish more people could

1317
00:46:58,954 --> 00:47:00,014
see how, like,

1318
00:47:00,714 --> 00:47:04,019
funny and goofy and, like, crazy you are.

1319
00:47:04,019 --> 00:47:06,340
And I'm like, nope. That's not safe. That's

1320
00:47:06,340 --> 00:47:08,199
not safe at all.

1321
00:47:10,500 --> 00:47:12,019
And yet and yet the people I tend

1322
00:47:12,019 --> 00:47:13,239
to admire the most,

1323
00:47:13,860 --> 00:47:16,554
whether it's a parasocial relationship or not, you

1324
00:47:16,554 --> 00:47:17,054
know,

1325
00:47:17,675 --> 00:47:19,355
are the people who just at least on

1326
00:47:19,434 --> 00:47:21,355
from the outside looking in, that's how they

1327
00:47:21,355 --> 00:47:22,175
present themselves.

1328
00:47:22,474 --> 00:47:23,695
It's just being unabashedly

1329
00:47:23,994 --> 00:47:24,494
themselves.

1330
00:47:25,835 --> 00:47:27,835
And I think that, you know, that kind

1331
00:47:27,835 --> 00:47:28,494
of goes

1332
00:47:29,139 --> 00:47:31,699
hand in hand with even because desire doesn't

1333
00:47:31,699 --> 00:47:33,780
always mean sex. It doesn't always mean erotic

1334
00:47:33,780 --> 00:47:36,019
desire. Desire can be what the fuck you

1335
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,420
want, who the fuck you are. Right? It's

1336
00:47:38,420 --> 00:47:39,079
an authenticity

1337
00:47:39,860 --> 00:47:41,400
of wants and needs.

1338
00:47:43,765 --> 00:47:45,605
And, you know, what would the world be

1339
00:47:45,605 --> 00:47:47,625
like if more of us could be unashamedly

1340
00:47:48,085 --> 00:47:48,585
ourselves?

1341
00:47:50,164 --> 00:47:52,265
I can't imagine it. I think it'd be

1342
00:47:53,045 --> 00:47:54,824
it'd be a wild and crazy place.

1343
00:47:57,289 --> 00:47:59,130
Now the next one, and this is not

1344
00:47:59,130 --> 00:48:00,809
new. This is talked about has been talked

1345
00:48:00,809 --> 00:48:01,309
about

1346
00:48:01,690 --> 00:48:02,909
for fucking ever.

1347
00:48:03,369 --> 00:48:04,190
That shame,

1348
00:48:04,489 --> 00:48:06,809
one part, you know, part of shame, it's

1349
00:48:06,809 --> 00:48:10,155
rooted in societal conditioning. Right? What's normal and

1350
00:48:10,155 --> 00:48:10,655
acceptable.

1351
00:48:11,035 --> 00:48:12,795
Mhmm. And I point this out because we

1352
00:48:12,795 --> 00:48:14,175
are gonna get into a,

1353
00:48:14,555 --> 00:48:15,835
you know, here are some things you can

1354
00:48:15,835 --> 00:48:17,914
do to kinda combat shame and overcome it

1355
00:48:17,914 --> 00:48:18,894
and work through it.

1356
00:48:19,675 --> 00:48:21,055
And it is the

1357
00:48:22,519 --> 00:48:24,519
retraining your brain to understand what's air quote

1358
00:48:24,519 --> 00:48:25,579
normal and acceptable.

1359
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:28,119
So that's where, you know, your your religious

1360
00:48:28,119 --> 00:48:30,199
shame comes from, the not, you know, the

1361
00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:32,940
vanilla shame of, you know, I was

1362
00:48:33,239 --> 00:48:35,000
I was taught that this is what sex

1363
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:36,440
is supposed to be. This is what marriage

1364
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:37,894
is supposed to be. This is what you

1365
00:48:37,894 --> 00:48:39,335
are supposed to do as a woman, as

1366
00:48:39,335 --> 00:48:41,094
a man, whatever. What you know, all of

1367
00:48:41,094 --> 00:48:41,835
that. Right?

1368
00:48:43,655 --> 00:48:44,954
I mean, I would have

1369
00:48:45,974 --> 00:48:47,835
thought I had a mostly kind

1370
00:48:48,295 --> 00:48:49,755
of liberal upbringing,

1371
00:48:53,079 --> 00:48:56,539
And so did not necessarily have outside forces

1372
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:57,819
making me

1373
00:48:58,679 --> 00:49:01,179
feel ashamed of sexual desire

1374
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:01,980
or,

1375
00:49:02,359 --> 00:49:04,359
you know, desire for kink once I figured

1376
00:49:04,359 --> 00:49:06,094
out that was a fucking thing. And to

1377
00:49:06,094 --> 00:49:07,454
a certain extent, I guess not because I

1378
00:49:07,454 --> 00:49:09,295
learned I was submissive and I went, oh,

1379
00:49:09,295 --> 00:49:12,275
puzzle piece clicking into place. I understand myself.

1380
00:49:12,494 --> 00:49:14,574
I'm not ashamed of this. I'm like, I'm

1381
00:49:14,574 --> 00:49:15,954
excited to understand myself.

1382
00:49:16,335 --> 00:49:16,835
But

1383
00:49:17,295 --> 00:49:19,394
even in a non religious,

1384
00:49:19,855 --> 00:49:20,355
non

1385
00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:22,849
trying to be conforming to the world family,

1386
00:49:23,230 --> 00:49:25,630
I certainly that was my family. They they

1387
00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:26,690
were not like that.

1388
00:49:27,230 --> 00:49:29,489
Because in this case, in this

1389
00:49:30,109 --> 00:49:31,170
specific example,

1390
00:49:31,549 --> 00:49:32,190
my mother

1391
00:49:32,510 --> 00:49:34,244
everybody in the house, everybody in the family,

1392
00:49:34,244 --> 00:49:36,565
nobody talked about sex. Like, you just you

1393
00:49:36,565 --> 00:49:38,105
just didn't ask questions.

1394
00:49:38,804 --> 00:49:42,105
And not for religious purposes, not for,

1395
00:49:42,804 --> 00:49:44,405
you know, I I never got I was

1396
00:49:44,405 --> 00:49:46,900
never told sex is bad, don't have sex.

1397
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:49,140
I it was just literally we do not

1398
00:49:49,140 --> 00:49:50,680
talk about that. Yeah.

1399
00:49:51,380 --> 00:49:52,760
And I, as a kid,

1400
00:49:54,180 --> 00:49:56,099
either realized or turned it in my head

1401
00:49:56,099 --> 00:49:57,465
of, oh, it must be bad.

1402
00:49:57,864 --> 00:50:00,125
So when I went through my rebellious streak,

1403
00:50:01,065 --> 00:50:02,364
that's what I did.

1404
00:50:04,744 --> 00:50:06,364
But also I was a dumbass

1405
00:50:07,785 --> 00:50:09,885
because I had no education on it.

1406
00:50:11,260 --> 00:50:13,440
You know? So shame can like,

1407
00:50:14,059 --> 00:50:15,680
your society or your

1408
00:50:16,460 --> 00:50:19,019
your surroundings, the people who are around you

1409
00:50:19,019 --> 00:50:21,099
that normalize shit for you, they don't even

1410
00:50:21,099 --> 00:50:22,720
have to be trying to, like,

1411
00:50:23,255 --> 00:50:25,255
put you into, like, this narrow scope of

1412
00:50:25,255 --> 00:50:26,934
what it means to be a human. You

1413
00:50:26,934 --> 00:50:27,914
know? Whether it's

1414
00:50:28,535 --> 00:50:30,474
faith based or it's just

1415
00:50:30,775 --> 00:50:32,695
this is what proper people do or this

1416
00:50:32,695 --> 00:50:34,635
is what our culture does or whatever whatever.

1417
00:50:34,934 --> 00:50:36,695
It can be even it could be from

1418
00:50:36,695 --> 00:50:38,375
fucking neglect. It can be from I'm just

1419
00:50:38,375 --> 00:50:39,530
not gonna teach you you a thing. I'm

1420
00:50:39,570 --> 00:50:41,329
we're not gonna talk about a thing, or

1421
00:50:41,329 --> 00:50:43,030
this is how I talk about a thing.

1422
00:50:43,809 --> 00:50:45,910
This is another common one I see

1423
00:50:46,450 --> 00:50:48,950
typically with with cis girls and women

1424
00:50:49,890 --> 00:50:52,530
who have, you know, many of us have

1425
00:50:52,530 --> 00:50:55,605
poor body image issues, and it's not necessarily

1426
00:50:56,224 --> 00:50:58,305
because somebody told us that we were fat

1427
00:50:58,305 --> 00:50:59,825
or we were this or we were that.

1428
00:50:59,825 --> 00:51:01,505
I got told that so I know where

1429
00:51:01,505 --> 00:51:04,065
mine comes from. But alternatively, and this was

1430
00:51:04,065 --> 00:51:05,985
a revelation for me because I got it

1431
00:51:05,985 --> 00:51:08,400
externally. I was bullied and teased and treated

1432
00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:09,139
very poorly.

1433
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:11,840
I know I know where that shame comes

1434
00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:12,340
from.

1435
00:51:12,719 --> 00:51:14,739
But the other way that a lot

1436
00:51:15,199 --> 00:51:16,340
of women and girls

1437
00:51:16,719 --> 00:51:18,960
feel some sense of body shame is because

1438
00:51:18,960 --> 00:51:20,565
they watched their mothers

1439
00:51:21,125 --> 00:51:22,744
judge their own body.

1440
00:51:23,925 --> 00:51:26,885
And, you know, kids are smart, extrapolated of,

1441
00:51:26,885 --> 00:51:29,284
oh, if they don't like their body and

1442
00:51:29,284 --> 00:51:31,464
it looks like that, then they don't like

1443
00:51:31,605 --> 00:51:33,525
my body or there's something wrong with my

1444
00:51:33,525 --> 00:51:35,699
body. So, So, like, you don't have to

1445
00:51:35,699 --> 00:51:38,260
be outwardly shamed or told to feel bad

1446
00:51:38,260 --> 00:51:39,000
about a thing

1447
00:51:39,300 --> 00:51:40,440
to internalize

1448
00:51:41,460 --> 00:51:43,480
those bad feelings. Even, you know,

1449
00:51:45,619 --> 00:51:47,559
it it's it's all of society

1450
00:51:48,525 --> 00:51:50,065
when it comes to that though.

1451
00:51:50,525 --> 00:51:51,184
I mean,

1452
00:51:51,644 --> 00:51:53,824
you know, even if it's not your your

1453
00:51:54,444 --> 00:51:56,844
parents in one way or another, you you

1454
00:51:56,844 --> 00:51:58,605
look at a at a magazine. You pick

1455
00:51:58,605 --> 00:52:00,684
up any magazine and and you're shown this

1456
00:52:00,684 --> 00:52:02,464
is what you're supposed to be. Right.

1457
00:52:02,764 --> 00:52:06,474
Right. Societal standards, the beauty standards, what's what's

1458
00:52:06,474 --> 00:52:08,750
normalized, what's, you know, allowed

1459
00:52:09,050 --> 00:52:09,550
in,

1460
00:52:10,889 --> 00:52:12,510
TV and movies. I don't

1461
00:52:12,809 --> 00:52:14,889
know a lot about this because this is

1462
00:52:14,889 --> 00:52:15,164
not my area of expertise, but I saw

1463
00:52:15,164 --> 00:52:15,210
it on the Internet. I believe it's called

1464
00:52:15,210 --> 00:52:17,585
the Hays expertise, but I saw it on

1465
00:52:17,585 --> 00:52:18,244
the Internet.

1466
00:52:18,784 --> 00:52:20,864
I believe it's called the Hays Code in

1467
00:52:20,864 --> 00:52:21,364
Hollywood,

1468
00:52:22,065 --> 00:52:25,105
was in effect for a long fucking time.

1469
00:52:25,105 --> 00:52:27,125
And there were, like, rules about, you know,

1470
00:52:28,550 --> 00:52:29,609
there couldn't be interracial

1471
00:52:30,150 --> 00:52:31,829
relationships. You could not have two people of

1472
00:52:31,829 --> 00:52:33,109
a two people of a different race could

1473
00:52:33,109 --> 00:52:35,510
not. There would could be no kissing. There

1474
00:52:35,510 --> 00:52:37,210
could be no, like, implication

1475
00:52:37,590 --> 00:52:39,030
of fucking. There could be none of that.

1476
00:52:39,030 --> 00:52:40,994
There were lots and lots of standards and

1477
00:52:40,994 --> 00:52:43,315
rules. That that's why in TV shows early

1478
00:52:43,315 --> 00:52:45,155
on like I Love Lucy, they had separate

1479
00:52:45,155 --> 00:52:47,315
beds. The fact that Lucy was pregnant on

1480
00:52:47,315 --> 00:52:49,474
TV was like That was a big thing.

1481
00:52:49,474 --> 00:52:51,635
That was a big thing. Right. But one

1482
00:52:51,635 --> 00:52:52,994
of the things and I think it was

1483
00:52:52,994 --> 00:52:55,109
in the Hays Code. I think I'm saying

1484
00:52:55,109 --> 00:52:55,769
that right.

1485
00:52:56,710 --> 00:52:58,710
Was that if somebody was going to be

1486
00:52:58,710 --> 00:52:59,210
queer,

1487
00:52:59,670 --> 00:53:00,329
they better

1488
00:53:00,789 --> 00:53:02,569
die or they better be the villain.

1489
00:53:03,109 --> 00:53:04,569
You could it to

1490
00:53:05,030 --> 00:53:06,494
to show a queer person

1491
00:53:11,695 --> 00:53:12,675
a happy ending

1492
00:53:13,135 --> 00:53:14,515
was to normalize

1493
00:53:15,135 --> 00:53:17,155
that air quote deviant behavior.

1494
00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:19,855
And so that's how subtle those messages can

1495
00:53:19,855 --> 00:53:21,535
be, which isn't really subtle once you know

1496
00:53:21,535 --> 00:53:22,679
it's there. But, you

1497
00:53:22,980 --> 00:53:26,119
know, if your experiences as a straight cis

1498
00:53:26,579 --> 00:53:29,140
person and you are the, you know, majority

1499
00:53:29,219 --> 00:53:31,699
like, I'm I'm a white chick. Like, there

1500
00:53:31,699 --> 00:53:33,059
are so many things that went over my

1501
00:53:33,059 --> 00:53:34,674
head that were not my experience that I

1502
00:53:34,795 --> 00:53:37,114
you know, it's looking back or being told

1503
00:53:37,114 --> 00:53:38,795
explicitly, hey. This was a thing that I'm

1504
00:53:38,795 --> 00:53:41,195
like, oh, shit. I see it now. You

1505
00:53:41,195 --> 00:53:43,275
know? That's the privilege of not being in,

1506
00:53:43,275 --> 00:53:46,015
you know, having certain identities. You don't know

1507
00:53:46,474 --> 00:53:47,614
sometimes the

1508
00:53:49,559 --> 00:53:52,599
prejudice and the bigotry and the repression that

1509
00:53:52,599 --> 00:53:55,400
occurs. But that was, you know, that I

1510
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:57,260
still hear people when they talk about

1511
00:53:58,760 --> 00:54:00,519
gay people or queer people of any kind

1512
00:54:00,519 --> 00:54:01,019
in

1513
00:54:02,519 --> 00:54:03,980
TV and movies. It's

1514
00:54:04,734 --> 00:54:05,315
it's called,

1515
00:54:06,255 --> 00:54:08,594
Kill Your Gaze, which is that whole

1516
00:54:09,054 --> 00:54:11,054
thing of they don't, you know, air quote,

1517
00:54:11,054 --> 00:54:12,494
they're not supposed to get to live because

1518
00:54:12,494 --> 00:54:15,695
you're glorified. Like, it's it's awful Yeah. But

1519
00:54:15,695 --> 00:54:16,755
it's so insidious

1520
00:54:17,054 --> 00:54:18,355
that, of course, people

1521
00:54:18,734 --> 00:54:19,800
internalize some sense

1522
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:22,013
of shame over it. And then you start

1523
00:54:22,013 --> 00:54:23,880
living your fucking life and you try to

1524
00:54:23,880 --> 00:54:26,140
be your best, most authentic self.

1525
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:28,519
And even when you think you're doing it,

1526
00:54:28,519 --> 00:54:30,440
you can run smack dab into Into the

1527
00:54:30,599 --> 00:54:31,739
Into shame. Right?

1528
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:34,485
Now, when I looked

1529
00:54:35,684 --> 00:54:38,565
at sexual shame because I was like, what

1530
00:54:38,565 --> 00:54:38,724
is

1531
00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:43,704
sexual shame, it cannot be directly correlated with,

1532
00:54:44,244 --> 00:54:45,945
a sense of shame about kink because

1533
00:54:46,730 --> 00:54:49,130
sex and kink do not automatically go together.

1534
00:54:49,130 --> 00:54:50,409
There are plenty of people who do kink

1535
00:54:50,409 --> 00:54:52,329
and it's not sexual for them. And certainly,

1536
00:54:52,329 --> 00:54:53,690
there are plenty of people who are sexual

1537
00:54:53,690 --> 00:54:55,609
and they're not kinky. Right? But I did

1538
00:54:55,609 --> 00:54:57,469
wanna look at sexual shame

1539
00:54:58,650 --> 00:55:01,335
because it can play a part if you're

1540
00:55:01,335 --> 00:55:03,255
trying to just have fucking kinky sex. I

1541
00:55:03,255 --> 00:55:05,355
mean, tripped. Like, it's still there.

1542
00:55:06,054 --> 00:55:06,554
So,

1543
00:55:07,014 --> 00:55:08,135
from a 2023

1544
00:55:08,135 --> 00:55:08,635
study,

1545
00:55:09,894 --> 00:55:12,155
and I linked it, the the the

1546
00:55:13,860 --> 00:55:16,039
study was not specifically about, like,

1547
00:55:16,420 --> 00:55:18,579
the cause of sexual shame. I think it

1548
00:55:18,579 --> 00:55:20,340
was about, like, how people deal with it.

1549
00:55:20,340 --> 00:55:22,180
It was a the study is interesting, but

1550
00:55:22,180 --> 00:55:24,180
it was not directly related to this conversation,

1551
00:55:24,180 --> 00:55:25,720
but I pulled this out.

1552
00:55:26,099 --> 00:55:28,125
Sexual shame is a specific type of shame

1553
00:55:28,125 --> 00:55:30,364
that refers to a feeling of disgust or

1554
00:55:30,364 --> 00:55:30,864
humiliation

1555
00:55:31,164 --> 00:55:32,704
towards one's own identity

1556
00:55:33,164 --> 00:55:35,565
as a sexual being and is composed of

1557
00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:36,304
three factors.

1558
00:55:36,844 --> 00:55:39,025
Relationship sexual shame, internalized

1559
00:55:39,405 --> 00:55:41,744
sexual shame, and sexual inferiority.

1560
00:55:44,219 --> 00:55:46,780
I'm not sure, like, I didn't find I

1561
00:55:46,780 --> 00:55:48,059
didn't go down the rabbit hole of what

1562
00:55:48,059 --> 00:55:49,440
the hell is sexual inferiority.

1563
00:55:50,140 --> 00:55:51,900
And I'm not a professional of anything, so

1564
00:55:51,980 --> 00:55:53,920
but the relationship and the internalized,

1565
00:55:54,539 --> 00:55:55,199
I think

1566
00:55:56,264 --> 00:55:58,344
you could pop out the word sexual and

1567
00:55:58,344 --> 00:55:59,484
put in the word kink.

1568
00:55:59,784 --> 00:56:01,644
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

1569
00:56:02,184 --> 00:56:03,484
Because if you are

1570
00:56:04,105 --> 00:56:06,744
told, taught, or otherwise somehow receive the message

1571
00:56:06,744 --> 00:56:08,824
that liking this kinky shit means you're an

1572
00:56:08,824 --> 00:56:09,724
evil person,

1573
00:56:10,105 --> 00:56:11,980
you know, to be a dom, to to

1574
00:56:11,980 --> 00:56:13,460
be a to be a sadist, to be

1575
00:56:13,460 --> 00:56:14,119
an impact,

1576
00:56:14,420 --> 00:56:16,260
you know, that you are an abuser. Right?

1577
00:56:16,260 --> 00:56:19,480
Like, that that message comes from somewhere. Right?

1578
00:56:19,699 --> 00:56:20,820
And I think that,

1579
00:56:23,219 --> 00:56:24,900
sex and kink don't always go hand in

1580
00:56:24,900 --> 00:56:26,659
hand, but some of those feelings of shame,

1581
00:56:26,659 --> 00:56:29,094
I have a feeling, they overlap, you know,

1582
00:56:29,094 --> 00:56:30,934
regardless of whether your kink is sexual or

1583
00:56:30,934 --> 00:56:31,434
not.

1584
00:56:31,815 --> 00:56:33,914
You know? Because we are exploring

1585
00:56:34,934 --> 00:56:35,434
taboos.

1586
00:56:35,974 --> 00:56:37,734
We are doing things that if you don't

1587
00:56:37,734 --> 00:56:39,734
have context for what we're doing, it it

1588
00:56:39,734 --> 00:56:40,714
does look illegal.

1589
00:56:41,094 --> 00:56:42,234
It does look illegal.

1590
00:56:42,869 --> 00:56:46,650
And without consent, it is illegal. Right? So

1591
00:56:47,109 --> 00:56:48,630
to know you know, you've talked about it

1592
00:56:48,630 --> 00:56:50,309
many times before that you had to work

1593
00:56:50,309 --> 00:56:51,989
hard to overcome the I can't believe I'm

1594
00:56:51,989 --> 00:56:52,809
hitting somebody.

1595
00:56:53,109 --> 00:56:55,369
Yeah. Because that that was something that was

1596
00:56:56,069 --> 00:56:58,170
drilled into me. Mhmm. You know?

1597
00:56:58,505 --> 00:56:59,005
Especially

1598
00:56:59,385 --> 00:57:01,804
someone of the opposite sex. Right. Exactly.

1599
00:57:02,184 --> 00:57:02,684
Exactly.

1600
00:57:03,304 --> 00:57:05,704
So I wanted to point that out because,

1601
00:57:05,704 --> 00:57:06,204
again,

1602
00:57:06,985 --> 00:57:09,224
shame comes from all kinds of places, and

1603
00:57:09,224 --> 00:57:11,724
we have shame over an infinite number

1604
00:57:12,184 --> 00:57:13,260
of pieces, parts

1605
00:57:13,980 --> 00:57:16,239
of our of who we are. Right? And

1606
00:57:16,380 --> 00:57:17,440
if the thing that

1607
00:57:17,739 --> 00:57:19,340
you feel shame about might not be the

1608
00:57:19,340 --> 00:57:21,119
thing that I feel shame about, but it

1609
00:57:21,659 --> 00:57:23,500
it might still be kind of in the

1610
00:57:23,500 --> 00:57:24,880
same family of shame. But

1611
00:57:25,260 --> 00:57:26,239
sexual shame,

1612
00:57:27,099 --> 00:57:29,045
is kind of a little bit its own

1613
00:57:29,045 --> 00:57:29,545
beast.

1614
00:57:30,724 --> 00:57:32,264
Because many of us,

1615
00:57:33,364 --> 00:57:34,904
were raised in very puritanical

1616
00:57:35,684 --> 00:57:36,585
kind of ideals

1617
00:57:37,525 --> 00:57:40,164
of what's okay and what's not. And then

1618
00:57:40,164 --> 00:57:41,844
here we come, us kinky fuckers, and we're

1619
00:57:41,844 --> 00:57:43,449
like, actually, we're gonna do all the things

1620
00:57:43,449 --> 00:57:45,309
you told us we should not do.

1621
00:57:45,930 --> 00:57:47,690
But we're gonna do it with communication and

1622
00:57:47,690 --> 00:57:49,690
consent and care and, you know, not be

1623
00:57:49,690 --> 00:57:50,829
illegal about it.

1624
00:57:51,610 --> 00:57:53,610
And yet we to this day, even now,

1625
00:57:53,610 --> 00:57:55,289
even with all the movies that keep coming

1626
00:57:55,289 --> 00:57:57,355
out, baby Girl and Pillion, I wanna see

1627
00:57:57,355 --> 00:57:59,194
that one. And if and whatever else has

1628
00:57:59,194 --> 00:58:00,494
been out recently, like,

1629
00:58:01,594 --> 00:58:03,434
it's either a joke or it's part of

1630
00:58:03,434 --> 00:58:06,414
an erotic thriller. It's still like Pillion,

1631
00:58:06,714 --> 00:58:07,994
I think I'm saying the name of that

1632
00:58:07,994 --> 00:58:09,359
movie right. It's,

1633
00:58:10,619 --> 00:58:12,380
it's just now coming out or it's coming

1634
00:58:12,380 --> 00:58:14,320
out very soon. It is

1635
00:58:14,859 --> 00:58:17,339
it's d s. It's power exchange Okay. Between

1636
00:58:17,339 --> 00:58:18,960
two gay men. And

1637
00:58:19,420 --> 00:58:21,179
I don't know if it's a healthy power

1638
00:58:21,179 --> 00:58:21,679
exchange.

1639
00:58:22,135 --> 00:58:23,595
Mhmm. I know the

1640
00:58:23,974 --> 00:58:25,675
the character who is the submissive

1641
00:58:25,974 --> 00:58:27,815
definitely has he has the big doe eyes,

1642
00:58:27,815 --> 00:58:29,434
you know. I'm like, yeah. You're the submissive.

1643
00:58:30,215 --> 00:58:32,055
And I know that in the trailers I've

1644
00:58:32,055 --> 00:58:33,195
seen that that dominant

1645
00:58:33,575 --> 00:58:35,355
seems kind of cold and aloof.

1646
00:58:36,135 --> 00:58:37,989
And I'm like, I I I hope

1647
00:58:38,289 --> 00:58:40,690
it goes deeper. Mhmm. I hope we see

1648
00:58:40,690 --> 00:58:41,589
that that's not

1649
00:58:41,969 --> 00:58:42,869
really, like

1650
00:58:43,170 --> 00:58:43,670
but

1651
00:58:44,210 --> 00:58:45,989
reading about that particular movie

1652
00:58:46,449 --> 00:58:48,230
and seeing the trailers I've seen,

1653
00:58:49,170 --> 00:58:50,150
Lola agrees,

1654
00:58:52,065 --> 00:58:53,824
Made me think or made me hope at

1655
00:58:53,824 --> 00:58:55,905
least that maybe this would be, like, one

1656
00:58:55,905 --> 00:58:58,065
of the times that power exchange was not

1657
00:58:58,065 --> 00:58:58,565
scary.

1658
00:58:59,025 --> 00:59:00,945
It wasn't part of a mind game. Like,

1659
00:59:01,105 --> 00:59:03,264
Sanctuary, a movie we have desperately been trying

1660
00:59:03,264 --> 00:59:05,585
to make happen on our, every other month

1661
00:59:05,585 --> 00:59:06,964
movie night in our Discord.

1662
00:59:07,889 --> 00:59:10,549
That's a, you know, it goes wrong because

1663
00:59:12,130 --> 00:59:12,630
the

1664
00:59:12,929 --> 00:59:13,989
dominant partner

1665
00:59:14,369 --> 00:59:15,269
is not,

1666
00:59:16,210 --> 00:59:18,049
accepting the safe word. Not in a way

1667
00:59:18,049 --> 00:59:19,190
that they are perpetuating

1668
00:59:19,569 --> 00:59:22,484
physical harm, but there seems to be blackmail.

1669
00:59:22,484 --> 00:59:25,144
There seems to be something nefarious going on.

1670
00:59:25,364 --> 00:59:27,284
And that, you know, either kink is the

1671
00:59:27,284 --> 00:59:29,364
joke most of the time. Not always. The

1672
00:59:29,364 --> 00:59:31,364
joke or it's part of like a, oh,

1673
00:59:31,364 --> 00:59:33,284
you're this is a thriller. This is horror.

1674
00:59:33,284 --> 00:59:36,389
This is something bad is happening here. And

1675
00:59:36,389 --> 00:59:38,869
I'm hoping that this movie Pillion, I think

1676
00:59:38,869 --> 00:59:40,089
I'm saying that right,

1677
00:59:40,789 --> 00:59:43,369
is truly just about a power exchange relationship.

1678
00:59:44,309 --> 00:59:45,909
Because even there was another movie that came

1679
00:59:45,909 --> 00:59:46,809
out this year,

1680
00:59:47,190 --> 00:59:50,175
is a rom com but they used kink

1681
00:59:50,795 --> 00:59:53,275
to handcuff this man to the bed because

1682
00:59:53,275 --> 00:59:55,194
he was a shit guy from the trailer.

1683
00:59:55,194 --> 00:59:56,954
That's what I get. And so but it's

1684
00:59:56,954 --> 00:59:58,974
still the joke. Right? Mhmm. So

1685
00:59:59,594 --> 01:00:01,914
somebody comes into kink now or in ten

1686
01:00:01,914 --> 01:00:02,414
years,

1687
01:00:02,719 --> 01:00:05,039
and these are the messages they're seeing from

1688
01:00:05,039 --> 01:00:06,420
the non kink world.

1689
01:00:07,279 --> 01:00:09,760
You know, it's not surprising to me. If

1690
01:00:09,760 --> 01:00:11,279
even then, even if when we say, oh,

1691
01:00:11,279 --> 01:00:13,380
but look, we've had the the show

1692
01:00:14,000 --> 01:00:16,159
bondage, bonding, the one on Netflix. Mhmm. I

1693
01:00:16,159 --> 01:00:17,715
know there's another one. Is it out of

1694
01:00:17,715 --> 01:00:19,474
South Korea? I still haven't watched it, but

1695
01:00:19,474 --> 01:00:21,394
I hear it's really good. You know, we

1696
01:00:21,394 --> 01:00:22,614
have this media,

1697
01:00:23,235 --> 01:00:25,555
but very little of it does anything to

1698
01:00:25,555 --> 01:00:27,735
actually push back against the narrative

1699
01:00:28,434 --> 01:00:31,710
that, you know, kink is something inherently bad.

1700
01:00:31,710 --> 01:00:32,769
Mhmm. And then

1701
01:00:33,230 --> 01:00:34,750
too many of us come into kink and

1702
01:00:34,750 --> 01:00:36,690
then have to overcome those feelings of shame

1703
01:00:36,750 --> 01:00:37,969
because of what we've internalized

1704
01:00:38,510 --> 01:00:39,650
over all this time.

1705
01:00:41,150 --> 01:00:43,329
Does that Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

1706
01:00:43,630 --> 01:00:44,690
Look, this topic

1707
01:00:45,244 --> 01:00:46,605
like, even though this is not our first

1708
01:00:46,605 --> 01:00:47,885
time talking about, it's got me in a

1709
01:00:47,885 --> 01:00:49,265
fucking choke hold.

1710
01:00:52,285 --> 01:00:53,105
Yeah. So

1711
01:00:53,405 --> 01:00:53,905
now

1712
01:00:56,045 --> 01:00:56,545
towards

1713
01:00:57,244 --> 01:00:57,985
the end

1714
01:01:00,590 --> 01:01:01,329
of this

1715
01:01:01,950 --> 01:01:02,450
conversation,

1716
01:01:03,230 --> 01:01:05,710
let's talk about and I'm air quoting this.

1717
01:01:05,710 --> 01:01:07,950
I I put quotes around scare quotes around

1718
01:01:07,950 --> 01:01:10,530
it in my notes. Air quotes, solutions

1719
01:01:11,390 --> 01:01:13,010
to reducing shame. Okay?

1720
01:01:14,894 --> 01:01:16,114
Across, like,

1721
01:01:16,414 --> 01:01:18,815
shame about kink, shame about sex, shame in

1722
01:01:18,815 --> 01:01:22,414
general, there were some commonalities of, like, here

1723
01:01:22,414 --> 01:01:24,755
are some things that can help. Now again,

1724
01:01:25,295 --> 01:01:28,255
nuance. Everybody's different. Not everything will work for

1725
01:01:28,255 --> 01:01:28,755
everybody.

1726
01:01:30,730 --> 01:01:33,050
You know, sometimes there are things and there

1727
01:01:33,050 --> 01:01:35,130
will absolutely be things that I didn't know

1728
01:01:35,130 --> 01:01:37,050
to name in here that are solutions as

1729
01:01:37,050 --> 01:01:37,789
well. Okay?

1730
01:01:39,050 --> 01:01:40,650
So this was the thing I did and

1731
01:01:40,650 --> 01:01:42,190
this is usually where I stop

1732
01:01:42,650 --> 01:01:44,410
when I'm trying to overcome something. I know

1733
01:01:44,410 --> 01:01:46,894
that's unhealthy, Which is identify where the

1734
01:01:47,195 --> 01:01:48,795
the shame comes from to the best that

1735
01:01:48,795 --> 01:01:51,275
you can. Mhmm. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes you're

1736
01:01:51,275 --> 01:01:52,954
like, I was raised in church and I

1737
01:01:52,954 --> 01:01:54,635
was told this is evil and I'm going

1738
01:01:54,635 --> 01:01:56,875
to hell and that's I might not believe

1739
01:01:56,875 --> 01:01:59,329
that, but that's a feeling. Right? Or I

1740
01:01:59,329 --> 01:02:01,650
was told I am bad, so therefore, I

1741
01:02:01,650 --> 01:02:03,329
think I am bad or I thought I

1742
01:02:03,329 --> 01:02:04,309
was bad. Right?

1743
01:02:05,170 --> 01:02:06,469
Kink is, you know,

1744
01:02:07,809 --> 01:02:10,844
inherently abusive. And so therefore, I think, like,

1745
01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:12,925
I think sometimes identifying

1746
01:02:13,224 --> 01:02:14,445
where it's coming from

1747
01:02:14,905 --> 01:02:16,684
is easier than others.

1748
01:02:17,144 --> 01:02:19,465
Personally, I would say first, identify that it

1749
01:02:19,465 --> 01:02:20,204
is shame.

1750
01:02:20,505 --> 01:02:21,724
Because my first

1751
01:02:22,730 --> 01:02:24,250
thought when I was when I had the

1752
01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:26,089
thought of, I kinda wish I could do

1753
01:02:26,089 --> 01:02:27,690
that. I wish I could be that, you

1754
01:02:27,690 --> 01:02:30,250
know, brat like that. The first thing I

1755
01:02:30,250 --> 01:02:31,309
felt was fear.

1756
01:02:32,010 --> 01:02:33,710
And if I had stopped there

1757
01:02:34,329 --> 01:02:36,675
and not gone any further, I wouldn't have

1758
01:02:36,675 --> 01:02:38,434
hit on shame. I had to go, but

1759
01:02:38,434 --> 01:02:39,655
why am I afraid?

1760
01:02:40,835 --> 01:02:42,695
And questioning why I was afraid,

1761
01:02:43,235 --> 01:02:45,315
I was able to go, because then I'm

1762
01:02:45,315 --> 01:02:48,769
bad, then I'm wrong, and I'm not, and

1763
01:02:48,769 --> 01:02:51,809
I know. Mhmm. But sometimes you the the

1764
01:02:51,809 --> 01:02:53,329
first step really is just to figure out

1765
01:02:53,329 --> 01:02:55,409
that this is shame that you're dealing with

1766
01:02:55,409 --> 01:02:56,710
and not some other

1767
01:02:57,250 --> 01:02:58,630
emotion. Right. Right?

1768
01:02:59,489 --> 01:03:00,929
The next and this

1769
01:03:01,570 --> 01:03:02,070
hopefully,

1770
01:03:02,825 --> 01:03:04,445
we can be a space for this.

1771
01:03:04,985 --> 01:03:07,565
But to talk about your desires in emotionally

1772
01:03:07,785 --> 01:03:11,005
safe spaces or with emotionally safe people.

1773
01:03:11,545 --> 01:03:13,785
So in my case, I'm having the conversation

1774
01:03:13,785 --> 01:03:14,765
with y'all because

1775
01:03:15,739 --> 01:03:17,260
every thought I have is content. I'm so

1776
01:03:17,260 --> 01:03:19,179
sorry. But I'm really having the conversation with

1777
01:03:19,179 --> 01:03:22,139
JB because he is safe. And I'm I

1778
01:03:22,139 --> 01:03:23,900
do feel like this is an emotionally safe

1779
01:03:23,900 --> 01:03:25,659
space because the people who know who we

1780
01:03:25,659 --> 01:03:27,980
are can accept this conversation. It'll be the

1781
01:03:27,980 --> 01:03:29,739
people who are just now coming across us

1782
01:03:29,739 --> 01:03:30,195
that will have

1783
01:03:31,155 --> 01:03:33,394
something stupid to say. But I'm not worried

1784
01:03:33,394 --> 01:03:35,795
about them. Right? I consider this an emotionally

1785
01:03:35,795 --> 01:03:37,655
safe space to have these conversations.

1786
01:03:38,675 --> 01:03:40,515
If you can have those kinds of spaces,

1787
01:03:40,515 --> 01:03:42,375
you can have those people in your life,

1788
01:03:42,515 --> 01:03:44,434
that's invaluable to be able to kind of

1789
01:03:44,434 --> 01:03:47,069
go, we've developed the trust, we've developed the

1790
01:03:47,069 --> 01:03:47,569
connection.

1791
01:03:48,030 --> 01:03:49,789
Mhmm. I know I can be this vulnerable

1792
01:03:49,789 --> 01:03:51,949
with you. Let me just because sometimes naming

1793
01:03:51,949 --> 01:03:52,849
it is

1794
01:03:53,549 --> 01:03:55,710
is more powerful than you realize. Right? To

1795
01:03:55,710 --> 01:03:57,469
just say it out loud. Yeah. Yeah. Whether

1796
01:03:57,469 --> 01:03:58,829
it's just to say it out loud in

1797
01:03:58,829 --> 01:03:59,730
general or

1798
01:04:00,494 --> 01:04:01,614
what I have found to be true for

1799
01:04:01,614 --> 01:04:04,094
myself is when you have somebody that whose

1800
01:04:04,094 --> 01:04:05,875
judgment you trust, who,

1801
01:04:06,414 --> 01:04:09,054
you know, affirms that you are fine, that

1802
01:04:09,054 --> 01:04:11,214
you are not bad, or, you know, or

1803
01:04:11,214 --> 01:04:12,734
says the thing that you didn't even know

1804
01:04:12,734 --> 01:04:14,494
you needed to hear until you heard it,

1805
01:04:14,494 --> 01:04:15,714
which tends to be,

1806
01:04:16,089 --> 01:04:18,329
actually, no. That's that's not a bad thing

1807
01:04:18,329 --> 01:04:20,809
or actually, you know, that's a good thing.

1808
01:04:20,809 --> 01:04:22,829
That's you were a good per whatever. Whatever

1809
01:04:23,130 --> 01:04:23,630
validation

1810
01:04:24,089 --> 01:04:24,989
might be helpful.

1811
01:04:25,690 --> 01:04:28,510
And emotionally safe people can sometimes provide

1812
01:04:29,474 --> 01:04:30,755
that for you. Here's the other one and

1813
01:04:30,755 --> 01:04:34,034
this one is so for fucking kinksters because

1814
01:04:34,034 --> 01:04:36,674
we're already doing it here. Whether you're listening

1815
01:04:36,674 --> 01:04:38,194
to the podcast, you're doing it on your

1816
01:04:38,194 --> 01:04:39,734
own, but you're listening with others.

1817
01:04:40,194 --> 01:04:41,954
Whether you're watching on YouTube or the live

1818
01:04:41,954 --> 01:04:43,894
stream, we are in community.

1819
01:04:44,730 --> 01:04:47,230
Seek community to realize you're not alone.

1820
01:04:47,610 --> 01:04:49,550
Every time somebody asks us,

1821
01:04:49,929 --> 01:04:51,929
I'm just figuring out I'm kinky. I feel

1822
01:04:51,929 --> 01:04:53,929
very alone. I feel very weird. What do

1823
01:04:53,929 --> 01:04:54,590
I do?

1824
01:04:55,130 --> 01:04:56,570
There are many things we can tell you

1825
01:04:56,570 --> 01:04:58,030
to do, but one of them is always

1826
01:04:58,170 --> 01:05:00,914
go find others like you. Because you remember,

1827
01:05:01,375 --> 01:05:02,275
one of the things

1828
01:05:03,214 --> 01:05:04,815
one of the things you can, you know,

1829
01:05:04,815 --> 01:05:07,614
about shame is, you know, shame is rooted

1830
01:05:07,614 --> 01:05:10,114
in societal conditioning, what's normal and acceptable.

1831
01:05:10,815 --> 01:05:12,163
Reframe what's normal and acceptable. And if you

1832
01:05:12,163 --> 01:05:12,300
surround yourself, online or in person, with other

1833
01:05:12,300 --> 01:05:13,085
people who are kinky,

1834
01:05:14,319 --> 01:05:16,639
online or in person, with other people who

1835
01:05:16,639 --> 01:05:17,219
are kinky,

1836
01:05:17,599 --> 01:05:20,480
it doesn't necessarily take that long for your

1837
01:05:20,480 --> 01:05:22,319
brain to go, oh, this is normal. Because

1838
01:05:22,319 --> 01:05:24,559
look, all of these other people are also

1839
01:05:24,719 --> 01:05:26,559
you've normalized it for yourself. Might take a

1840
01:05:26,559 --> 01:05:27,985
while. But that

1841
01:05:28,364 --> 01:05:30,144
is a an option

1842
01:05:30,684 --> 01:05:32,445
to fight back against shame, especially if we're

1843
01:05:32,445 --> 01:05:35,505
talking specifically, I'm feeling shame as a kinkster.

1844
01:05:35,565 --> 01:05:36,065
Right?

1845
01:05:37,005 --> 01:05:38,465
Thinking you're the only one

1846
01:05:39,085 --> 01:05:40,739
is usually the first step towards a lot

1847
01:05:40,739 --> 01:05:42,440
of really negative feelings

1848
01:05:42,820 --> 01:05:44,920
and not getting anywhere positive

1849
01:05:45,780 --> 01:05:47,000
in your kink life.

1850
01:05:47,780 --> 01:05:49,699
It's it's yeah. I mean, a lot of

1851
01:05:49,699 --> 01:05:51,780
the the fears people have is they think

1852
01:05:51,780 --> 01:05:53,860
they're the only one who's ever wanted to,

1853
01:05:53,860 --> 01:05:54,519
you know,

1854
01:05:54,954 --> 01:05:57,194
smack somebody in the face consensually, or they've

1855
01:05:57,194 --> 01:05:59,194
ever wanted to, like, tie somebody up, and

1856
01:05:59,194 --> 01:06:00,954
they ever wanted to chase somebody through the

1857
01:06:00,954 --> 01:06:01,934
woods. You know?

1858
01:06:02,875 --> 01:06:03,514
If you're getting

1859
01:06:04,074 --> 01:06:06,234
get consent, but you're not the only one.

1860
01:06:06,234 --> 01:06:08,655
And that's where community can help with that.

1861
01:06:10,010 --> 01:06:12,109
And then okay. No. There's another one.

1862
01:06:12,730 --> 01:06:15,050
It says learn to accept yourself for who

1863
01:06:15,050 --> 01:06:16,349
you are and what you want.

1864
01:06:16,730 --> 01:06:17,469
I think

1865
01:06:17,769 --> 01:06:19,849
that's the hardest one. I was gonna say

1866
01:06:19,849 --> 01:06:21,530
that that can be that can be a

1867
01:06:21,530 --> 01:06:24,109
very tough Mhmm. Thing to do. Mhmm.

1868
01:06:24,804 --> 01:06:25,304
Mhmm.

1869
01:06:25,925 --> 01:06:28,724
Yep. Because if shame is the messages you

1870
01:06:28,724 --> 01:06:31,304
got from society and that's it Mhmm. Mostly

1871
01:06:31,364 --> 01:06:31,864
it,

1872
01:06:32,485 --> 01:06:34,485
that's tough to overcome. Right? It's it is

1873
01:06:34,485 --> 01:06:36,184
tough. If if the shame is

1874
01:06:36,485 --> 01:06:38,025
but if the shame is, like,

1875
01:06:38,840 --> 01:06:39,340
childhood

1876
01:06:39,719 --> 01:06:41,960
trauma or trauma that wasn't childhood, but it

1877
01:06:41,960 --> 01:06:42,699
was traumatic,

1878
01:06:43,239 --> 01:06:45,739
I mean, we're talking about something deeper than,

1879
01:06:46,119 --> 01:06:47,640
oh, I just thought all of these people

1880
01:06:47,640 --> 01:06:48,140
were

1881
01:06:48,519 --> 01:06:50,920
deviants in the bad way, and I've gotta

1882
01:06:50,920 --> 01:06:54,315
over come that. Right? Mhmm. There is the

1883
01:06:54,614 --> 01:06:56,875
but actually, I was made to be fearful

1884
01:06:56,934 --> 01:06:59,494
for my life and or soul at a

1885
01:06:59,494 --> 01:07:00,714
formative age,

1886
01:07:01,335 --> 01:07:02,775
and that's been with me. And now I'm

1887
01:07:02,775 --> 01:07:04,534
at the big age of 45.

1888
01:07:04,534 --> 01:07:05,275
Right? Like,

1889
01:07:06,170 --> 01:07:08,570
yes. Learn to accept yourself. There's that's a

1890
01:07:08,570 --> 01:07:11,610
good thing overall. It's a net good, but

1891
01:07:11,610 --> 01:07:13,789
don't anybody think that's necessarily easy.

1892
01:07:14,410 --> 01:07:16,829
I have been very comfortable being submissive

1893
01:07:17,369 --> 01:07:18,829
all these fucking years,

1894
01:07:19,530 --> 01:07:21,470
but I am not comfortable showing

1895
01:07:22,784 --> 01:07:24,164
every inch of of

1896
01:07:25,984 --> 01:07:26,885
my weirdest

1897
01:07:27,184 --> 01:07:29,364
self. I would I want to be,

1898
01:07:29,744 --> 01:07:30,244
but

1899
01:07:30,945 --> 01:07:31,925
not there yet.

1900
01:07:32,385 --> 01:07:33,824
Don't know if I'll get there. I'm not

1901
01:07:33,824 --> 01:07:35,605
real worried about it. I'm doing okay.

1902
01:07:36,809 --> 01:07:38,750
You know what I mean? So yes.

1903
01:07:39,289 --> 01:07:40,030
But also

1904
01:07:40,410 --> 01:07:40,910
Yeah.

1905
01:07:41,369 --> 01:07:42,670
And then the final one,

1906
01:07:43,289 --> 01:07:45,289
which is because sometimes you can know that

1907
01:07:45,289 --> 01:07:46,489
this is what you need to do, and

1908
01:07:46,489 --> 01:07:48,269
that doesn't make it easy. Right?

1909
01:07:48,730 --> 01:07:49,470
When necessary,

1910
01:07:49,954 --> 01:07:51,014
if you have access,

1911
01:07:51,474 --> 01:07:52,534
therapy. Yeah.

1912
01:07:53,155 --> 01:07:54,835
Yeah. And that was a big one across,

1913
01:07:54,835 --> 01:07:56,594
like, all resources I looked at. It didn't

1914
01:07:56,594 --> 01:07:58,594
matter if it's about sex or kink or

1915
01:07:58,594 --> 01:07:59,094
whatever.

1916
01:08:00,195 --> 01:08:03,494
Therapy. Now granted, was I on therapist websites?

1917
01:08:03,875 --> 01:08:04,375
Yes.

1918
01:08:05,380 --> 01:08:07,480
There's there's inherent bias there

1919
01:08:07,780 --> 01:08:11,079
that therapy is gonna help with everything. But

1920
01:08:12,099 --> 01:08:14,179
there I mean, there is something to that

1921
01:08:14,179 --> 01:08:16,579
for sure for sure. The thing I've learned,

1922
01:08:16,579 --> 01:08:17,479
thank you, Internet,

1923
01:08:18,324 --> 01:08:21,125
is that not all therapies are created equal.

1924
01:08:21,125 --> 01:08:23,045
Not all therapists are. Like, the the big

1925
01:08:23,045 --> 01:08:24,645
thing is you gotta find somebody you vibe

1926
01:08:24,645 --> 01:08:27,444
with and who gets you and and who

1927
01:08:27,444 --> 01:08:27,944
can,

1928
01:08:28,725 --> 01:08:29,125
you know

1929
01:08:30,239 --> 01:08:31,220
I like,

1930
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:32,579
it is not

1931
01:08:33,360 --> 01:08:35,440
uncommon or wrong if you are within the

1932
01:08:35,440 --> 01:08:35,940
LGBTQIA

1933
01:08:36,400 --> 01:08:39,039
plus community to want a therapist who is

1934
01:08:39,039 --> 01:08:41,119
also within that community. It you know, a

1935
01:08:41,119 --> 01:08:42,800
thing I see online a lot, which makes

1936
01:08:42,800 --> 01:08:44,175
complete and total sense to me,

1937
01:08:44,814 --> 01:08:46,675
black women who are like, I want

1938
01:08:47,375 --> 01:08:49,614
a a black woman therapist because they're gonna

1939
01:08:49,614 --> 01:08:51,054
understand my experience. I just want a black

1940
01:08:51,054 --> 01:08:53,135
therapist because they're gonna understand the black experience

1941
01:08:53,135 --> 01:08:54,574
in a way that a white person is

1942
01:08:54,574 --> 01:08:55,314
not gonna.

1943
01:08:55,694 --> 01:08:56,194
Right?

1944
01:08:57,500 --> 01:08:59,340
So break that down a very small much

1945
01:08:59,340 --> 01:09:02,079
smaller level. Wanting a kink aware therapist.

1946
01:09:02,619 --> 01:09:04,479
Right? Because then you're they

1947
01:09:05,100 --> 01:09:07,659
they might not understand your specific kink, but

1948
01:09:07,659 --> 01:09:09,579
you don't have to try to teach them

1949
01:09:09,579 --> 01:09:10,399
about kink

1950
01:09:11,764 --> 01:09:13,784
just to get the help you need. Right?

1951
01:09:16,085 --> 01:09:18,085
But so that thing I've known. I've you

1952
01:09:18,085 --> 01:09:20,005
know, the Internet taught me a lot, but

1953
01:09:20,005 --> 01:09:22,164
the one that I've learned most recently is

1954
01:09:22,164 --> 01:09:24,744
that not all therapeutic types are

1955
01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:26,500
the same

1956
01:09:26,800 --> 01:09:29,119
and not all are right for a person.

1957
01:09:29,119 --> 01:09:31,280
So cognitive behavioral therapy is what I have

1958
01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:34,159
the most experience with. I think it's currently,

1959
01:09:34,159 --> 01:09:35,920
at least, probably the most common, and it

1960
01:09:35,920 --> 01:09:37,699
is helpful for many people,

1961
01:09:38,159 --> 01:09:41,039
but not always and not you know, it's

1962
01:09:41,039 --> 01:09:41,539
all

1963
01:09:42,524 --> 01:09:43,744
individualized. Right?

1964
01:09:44,685 --> 01:09:46,284
I don't remember what it stands for but

1965
01:09:46,284 --> 01:09:48,864
I just learned about one called DBT.

1966
01:09:49,164 --> 01:09:51,344
I cannot remember what the d stands for.

1967
01:09:51,645 --> 01:09:52,385
And then,

1968
01:09:55,645 --> 01:09:56,069
oh gosh.

1969
01:09:58,469 --> 01:09:58,969
EDM?

1970
01:10:01,109 --> 01:10:02,630
I did not expect to talk about different

1971
01:10:02,630 --> 01:10:04,469
therapies. Therefore, I did not write them all

1972
01:10:04,469 --> 01:10:07,109
down. And this is the Internet, like, exposing

1973
01:10:07,109 --> 01:10:09,270
me to information I did not have before.

1974
01:10:09,270 --> 01:10:10,489
So I'm not

1975
01:10:11,104 --> 01:10:11,604
confident.

1976
01:10:12,704 --> 01:10:13,765
But, you know,

1977
01:10:14,625 --> 01:10:16,145
those types of therapies, I don't think you

1978
01:10:16,145 --> 01:10:17,984
start with. I think you start with cognitive

1979
01:10:17,984 --> 01:10:20,145
behavioral therapy. You start with talk therapy, and

1980
01:10:20,145 --> 01:10:22,164
then maybe you move to those other therapies.

1981
01:10:22,385 --> 01:10:23,770
That's kind of how I've seen

1982
01:10:24,390 --> 01:10:25,529
it positioned online.

1983
01:10:25,829 --> 01:10:28,149
But that's a thing to consider as well.

1984
01:10:28,149 --> 01:10:29,670
If you're thinking, well, I did therapy and

1985
01:10:29,670 --> 01:10:31,189
that didn't fucking help. Well, was it the

1986
01:10:31,189 --> 01:10:31,689
therapist?

1987
01:10:33,350 --> 01:10:35,369
Was it the type of therapy you were

1988
01:10:35,750 --> 01:10:36,250
experiencing?

1989
01:10:36,789 --> 01:10:38,569
What is it you know, it's not that

1990
01:10:39,655 --> 01:10:42,454
therapy is, you know, bad. It's that maybe

1991
01:10:42,454 --> 01:10:43,975
that was not the right person or the

1992
01:10:43,975 --> 01:10:45,574
right type for you. And thank you, live

1993
01:10:45,574 --> 01:10:46,635
chat. I love y'all.

1994
01:10:48,055 --> 01:10:49,354
Is it dialectical

1995
01:10:49,975 --> 01:10:51,034
behavior therapy?

1996
01:10:51,890 --> 01:10:52,949
Let's go with DBT,

1997
01:10:54,289 --> 01:10:55,030
and EMDR,

1998
01:10:55,489 --> 01:10:56,710
eye movement desensitization

1999
01:10:57,010 --> 01:10:58,310
and process reprocessing.

2000
01:10:58,689 --> 01:11:00,850
Thank you, Enchanted Wings. I have seen that

2001
01:11:00,850 --> 01:11:02,530
that is not one that is in my

2002
01:11:02,530 --> 01:11:03,670
memory. Thanks.

2003
01:11:04,530 --> 01:11:06,210
And I've read a little bit about that

2004
01:11:06,210 --> 01:11:06,710
particular

2005
01:11:07,010 --> 01:11:09,145
type of therapy and how it can be

2006
01:11:09,145 --> 01:11:10,125
very helpful

2007
01:11:10,425 --> 01:11:12,045
for folks, especially who,

2008
01:11:13,305 --> 01:11:15,085
are dealing with trauma in some way.

2009
01:11:17,064 --> 01:11:19,800
My point is, because I am not a

2010
01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:20,460
professional,

2011
01:11:20,920 --> 01:11:23,559
y'all, my little four year bachelor of arts

2012
01:11:23,559 --> 01:11:25,099
in psychology from

2013
01:11:26,679 --> 01:11:28,139
twenty three years ago

2014
01:11:29,000 --> 01:11:30,920
is doing a lot of heavy lifting over

2015
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:31,420
here,

2016
01:11:34,439 --> 01:11:35,175
is that

2017
01:11:35,734 --> 01:11:37,494
there's more than just one type of therapy.

2018
01:11:37,494 --> 01:11:41,194
Yeah. Right? And there are plenty of therapists.

2019
01:11:41,494 --> 01:11:43,335
Not everybody like, for those of us who

2020
01:11:43,335 --> 01:11:45,514
require that we need to use our insurance

2021
01:11:45,574 --> 01:11:47,114
to for this to be possible,

2022
01:11:47,895 --> 01:11:49,354
that can limit your scope.

2023
01:11:51,070 --> 01:11:52,930
So that can it can be tough.

2024
01:11:54,270 --> 01:11:54,510
The

2025
01:11:55,789 --> 01:11:57,390
I haven't looked recently, but the last time

2026
01:11:57,390 --> 01:11:59,409
I did a search for a KinkoWear therapist

2027
01:11:59,470 --> 01:12:01,949
through the KinkoWear professional site linked in the

2028
01:12:01,949 --> 01:12:03,170
places as a reminder,

2029
01:12:04,270 --> 01:12:06,110
it continued to be true that, like, a

2030
01:12:06,110 --> 01:12:06,885
few months ago.

2031
01:12:07,844 --> 01:12:09,064
The times I see

2032
01:12:09,444 --> 01:12:12,005
the most people who are like, we can

2033
01:12:12,005 --> 01:12:14,164
do a sliding scale, you know, we don't

2034
01:12:14,164 --> 01:12:15,764
accept insurance, but we will work with you

2035
01:12:15,764 --> 01:12:17,045
and your budget to the best that we

2036
01:12:17,045 --> 01:12:19,524
can, has been on those folks who are

2037
01:12:19,524 --> 01:12:20,024
LGBTQIA

2038
01:12:21,150 --> 01:12:21,650
affirming,

2039
01:12:22,110 --> 01:12:23,010
kink aware,

2040
01:12:24,510 --> 01:12:25,489
ethical non monogamy

2041
01:12:25,949 --> 01:12:29,090
aware and affirming. Like, though those folks,

2042
01:12:29,710 --> 01:12:30,289
you know,

2043
01:12:31,070 --> 01:12:32,510
it has been my experience. Not all of

2044
01:12:32,510 --> 01:12:33,010
them,

2045
01:12:33,869 --> 01:12:36,354
but many many more of them than, like,

2046
01:12:36,354 --> 01:12:37,975
what I would consider, like, the vanillas.

2047
01:12:38,515 --> 01:12:39,015
Yeah.

2048
01:12:39,554 --> 01:12:41,074
Are are willing to work with folks to

2049
01:12:41,074 --> 01:12:42,295
the extent that they can

2050
01:12:42,835 --> 01:12:44,375
so that it can be more accessible.

2051
01:12:45,475 --> 01:12:45,975
Yeah.

2052
01:12:46,369 --> 01:12:48,449
But shame's a tough one, y'all. Shame will

2053
01:12:48,449 --> 01:12:49,989
fuck up your life.

2054
01:12:50,609 --> 01:12:53,170
It will hold you back. It will stop

2055
01:12:53,170 --> 01:12:54,770
you from doing shit and being who you

2056
01:12:54,770 --> 01:12:57,010
are and being who you wanna be. It

2057
01:12:57,010 --> 01:12:59,010
will lie to you. It will make you

2058
01:12:59,010 --> 01:13:02,274
believe complete and utter bullshit lies about yourself.

2059
01:13:04,094 --> 01:13:05,314
You know? And

2060
01:13:10,014 --> 01:13:12,814
there's more to what makes life tough than

2061
01:13:12,814 --> 01:13:13,314
shame,

2062
01:13:13,920 --> 01:13:15,779
but the the things I've overcome

2063
01:13:16,399 --> 01:13:18,399
in places where I have overcome shame, in

2064
01:13:18,399 --> 01:13:20,979
those places, my life has got is infinitely

2065
01:13:21,039 --> 01:13:21,539
better.

2066
01:13:22,159 --> 01:13:23,699
Not because anything materially

2067
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:25,219
got better necessarily,

2068
01:13:25,655 --> 01:13:28,135
but because I was not weighed down with

2069
01:13:28,135 --> 01:13:29,994
these lies I believed about myself.

2070
01:13:30,454 --> 01:13:33,195
Makes sense. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Absolutely.

2071
01:13:33,735 --> 01:13:34,795
And because

2072
01:13:37,680 --> 01:13:40,420
kink folks who figure out they are kinky

2073
01:13:41,360 --> 01:13:42,960
tend to at some point in your kink

2074
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:45,600
journey have to face shame of some sort,

2075
01:13:45,600 --> 01:13:47,060
not everybody, but many.

2076
01:13:47,760 --> 01:13:49,119
You know, it's a thing you gotta you

2077
01:13:49,119 --> 01:13:51,425
gotta be aware of because it you won't

2078
01:13:51,425 --> 01:13:53,585
you won't name it as shame necessarily, but

2079
01:13:53,585 --> 01:13:54,485
there'll be something

2080
01:13:54,864 --> 01:13:56,244
that stops you from

2081
01:13:56,784 --> 01:13:57,284
bratting,

2082
01:13:58,145 --> 01:14:00,465
from feeling safe to brat as my example

2083
01:14:00,465 --> 01:14:02,324
that started this whole fucking episode.

2084
01:14:04,079 --> 01:14:06,079
And it won't feel like shame. It'll feel

2085
01:14:06,079 --> 01:14:08,560
like fear. It'll feel like might feel like

2086
01:14:08,560 --> 01:14:10,239
anger. You might get angry about it and

2087
01:14:10,239 --> 01:14:11,840
not know why you're angry. Something about it

2088
01:14:11,840 --> 01:14:12,659
makes you angry.

2089
01:14:13,119 --> 01:14:14,880
Sometimes you trace to that anger wreck and

2090
01:14:14,880 --> 01:14:15,859
it's really shame.

2091
01:14:16,560 --> 01:14:16,994
So

2092
01:14:18,114 --> 01:14:19,795
and it yeah. It can it can sort

2093
01:14:19,795 --> 01:14:22,215
of stunt your kink life and

2094
01:14:22,755 --> 01:14:24,755
make it harder to live the kink life

2095
01:14:24,755 --> 01:14:27,635
that you wanna live because you drag your

2096
01:14:27,635 --> 01:14:29,574
weight down, drag down, held back

2097
01:14:30,515 --> 01:14:32,055
by by shame.

2098
01:14:32,899 --> 01:14:35,000
So it's important. We gotta talk about it.

2099
01:14:36,099 --> 01:14:37,539
I did a lot of fucking talking now.

2100
01:14:37,539 --> 01:14:38,199
You did.

2101
01:14:38,899 --> 01:14:40,420
I didn't drink all my diet coke yet.

2102
01:14:40,420 --> 01:14:40,920
So

2103
01:14:42,500 --> 01:14:44,359
What? Does that mean there's more talk left?

2104
01:14:44,500 --> 01:14:46,635
Oh, there's always more talk left. Yeah. Look,

2105
01:14:47,034 --> 01:14:49,514
thankfully, I've never lost my voice for any

2106
01:14:49,514 --> 01:14:50,014
reason.

2107
01:14:51,194 --> 01:14:53,274
I've come close where my I think when

2108
01:14:53,274 --> 01:14:54,894
I had strep many years ago,

2109
01:14:55,354 --> 01:14:57,994
didn't stop me. Throat was on fire, kept

2110
01:14:57,994 --> 01:14:58,494
going.

2111
01:15:01,110 --> 01:15:03,270
And several people in live chat,

2112
01:15:03,590 --> 01:15:05,909
here on YouTube are talking about how either

2113
01:15:05,909 --> 01:15:08,070
EMDR was really good for them and or

2114
01:15:08,070 --> 01:15:08,570
DBT,

2115
01:15:09,590 --> 01:15:11,590
was good for them. So and I'm, you

2116
01:15:11,590 --> 01:15:14,149
know, glad to have, you know, learn about

2117
01:15:14,149 --> 01:15:15,765
that. It's it's a matter of trying what

2118
01:15:15,765 --> 01:15:17,145
works for you because everybody

2119
01:15:17,604 --> 01:15:18,824
will respond differently.

2120
01:15:19,604 --> 01:15:22,244
Exactly. So Mhmm. Talk therapy being the most

2121
01:15:22,244 --> 01:15:24,725
common one, and many people think talk therapy

2122
01:15:24,725 --> 01:15:26,005
won't help. Well, first of all, until you

2123
01:15:26,005 --> 01:15:27,899
try it, you don't know. But also, it's

2124
01:15:27,899 --> 01:15:29,659
not the only game in town. There you

2125
01:15:29,659 --> 01:15:30,479
might have options.

2126
01:15:31,020 --> 01:15:32,800
So anything you would like to add?

2127
01:15:33,100 --> 01:15:34,939
Now I peeled back the layers of our

2128
01:15:34,939 --> 01:15:35,439
soul.

2129
01:15:35,899 --> 01:15:36,399
No.

2130
01:15:37,179 --> 01:15:39,100
You're like, nope. I'm covering my soul back

2131
01:15:39,100 --> 01:15:40,319
up. Thank you very much.

2132
01:15:43,204 --> 01:15:45,444
Back down in those, deep depths. So before

2133
01:15:45,444 --> 01:15:47,144
we get into the bonus section Uh-huh.

2134
01:15:48,164 --> 01:15:50,585
Let's let's go back to the inciting incident.

2135
01:15:50,804 --> 01:15:51,304
Okay.

2136
01:15:51,844 --> 01:15:53,604
Because we were talking last night, and I

2137
01:15:53,604 --> 01:15:55,125
knew this topic was coming. So I wonder

2138
01:15:55,125 --> 01:15:56,949
what you think of this now. I was

2139
01:15:57,029 --> 01:15:58,550
We were talking last night about the idea

2140
01:15:58,550 --> 01:16:00,409
of me bratting. And I was like, wait,

2141
01:16:00,869 --> 01:16:02,369
you don't like

2142
01:16:02,789 --> 01:16:04,869
Not not like brats, but like within our

2143
01:16:04,869 --> 01:16:06,789
dynamic, you want me to be a good

2144
01:16:06,789 --> 01:16:07,289
girl.

2145
01:16:07,670 --> 01:16:09,449
Well, yeah. You want me to be obedient.

2146
01:16:09,510 --> 01:16:10,889
Mhmm. And you don't.

2147
01:16:11,295 --> 01:16:13,055
I have been accused of bratting when I

2148
01:16:13,055 --> 01:16:15,215
was definitely not trying to brat. And when

2149
01:16:15,215 --> 01:16:16,975
I was accused of it, it was not

2150
01:16:16,975 --> 01:16:19,375
with a sadistic gleam in his eye. It

2151
01:16:19,375 --> 01:16:21,614
was with, what the fuck are you doing

2152
01:16:21,614 --> 01:16:23,850
over there? So I have read that as

2153
01:16:24,329 --> 01:16:26,090
he does not necessarily want a brat in

2154
01:16:26,090 --> 01:16:26,829
his dynamic.

2155
01:16:27,689 --> 01:16:29,770
And yet It wasn't just not the right

2156
01:16:29,770 --> 01:16:30,270
moment.

2157
01:16:30,649 --> 01:16:33,210
And see see, that's the thing that so

2158
01:16:33,210 --> 01:16:35,770
what I'm curious about is not the shame

2159
01:16:35,770 --> 01:16:38,125
part, you know, not not everything we've discussed

2160
01:16:38,125 --> 01:16:39,425
that was actually about the topic.

2161
01:16:40,525 --> 01:16:41,965
One, I know you wanna read that book

2162
01:16:41,965 --> 01:16:43,405
now. I hope you find it in your

2163
01:16:43,405 --> 01:16:44,385
Kindle. Yeah.

2164
01:16:45,005 --> 01:16:47,005
But I think you'll like that series. I'm

2165
01:16:47,005 --> 01:16:47,744
just saying.

2166
01:16:49,645 --> 01:16:50,465
But two,

2167
01:16:52,819 --> 01:16:55,079
what do you think about that personal revelation?

2168
01:16:58,979 --> 01:17:01,239
In in one way, not surprising.

2169
01:17:02,420 --> 01:17:02,920
Mhmm.

2170
01:17:04,819 --> 01:17:05,800
I think it's

2171
01:17:07,594 --> 01:17:09,354
I think it's something that's been there with

2172
01:17:09,354 --> 01:17:11,274
you Mhmm. For a long time and it's

2173
01:17:11,274 --> 01:17:13,614
just been sitting there under the surface just

2174
01:17:14,314 --> 01:17:15,135
So far,

2175
01:17:15,835 --> 01:17:17,215
I've never intentionally

2176
01:17:17,515 --> 01:17:18,015
bratted.

2177
01:17:18,635 --> 01:17:19,135
But,

2178
01:17:19,435 --> 01:17:20,255
like, recently,

2179
01:17:20,795 --> 01:17:21,375
I have

2180
01:17:21,900 --> 01:17:24,300
looked, like, immediately, like, within seconds, looked back

2181
01:17:24,300 --> 01:17:24,880
and gone,

2182
01:17:25,420 --> 01:17:27,100
I think that was a brat moment. The

2183
01:17:27,100 --> 01:17:28,720
other night in bed, there was one.

2184
01:17:29,820 --> 01:17:32,079
Which which moment are you thinking? Yeah.

2185
01:17:33,340 --> 01:17:34,860
Which one which one are you thinking? And

2186
01:17:34,860 --> 01:17:36,060
I I I can't remember the

2187
01:17:36,905 --> 01:17:38,685
You should remember the vibe. Yeah.

2188
01:17:39,305 --> 01:17:40,824
I mean, there was a lot of pouting

2189
01:17:40,824 --> 01:17:42,664
the other night because I was not ready

2190
01:17:42,664 --> 01:17:43,405
for the

2191
01:17:44,104 --> 01:17:45,565
to have to roll over and

2192
01:17:46,025 --> 01:17:47,784
get to fucking sleep. I wanted to just

2193
01:17:47,945 --> 01:17:48,445
look.

2194
01:17:49,145 --> 01:17:50,985
Okay. And you were doing everything in your

2195
01:17:50,985 --> 01:17:53,639
power. There was legit pouting and whining.

2196
01:17:54,099 --> 01:17:56,020
Yeah. I was living up to that baby

2197
01:17:56,020 --> 01:17:56,520
girl

2198
01:17:57,059 --> 01:17:57,559
title

2199
01:17:58,020 --> 01:17:59,939
in the worst possible way. But see, here's

2200
01:17:59,939 --> 01:18:02,020
the thing. And it only I only feel

2201
01:18:02,020 --> 01:18:04,099
like this in this way at night when

2202
01:18:04,099 --> 01:18:06,104
we're in bed and I'm comfy and the

2203
01:18:06,104 --> 01:18:08,185
lights are dim and we're relaxed and we're,

2204
01:18:08,185 --> 01:18:10,845
like, together without, like, the outside world

2205
01:18:12,345 --> 01:18:13,484
being there. Right?

2206
01:18:13,864 --> 01:18:16,845
And, basically, I wish I could be

2207
01:18:17,944 --> 01:18:19,800
I wanna be as close to JV as

2208
01:18:19,800 --> 01:18:21,479
possible to the extent that if I could,

2209
01:18:21,479 --> 01:18:23,880
I would climb inside his skin and just

2210
01:18:23,880 --> 01:18:26,539
let him carry me around like a kangaroo.

2211
01:18:26,680 --> 01:18:27,819
Okay? Like,

2212
01:18:28,280 --> 01:18:30,539
how close can I physically get

2213
01:18:31,079 --> 01:18:33,500
in your skin's not quite close enough? Okay?

2214
01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:35,079
And I don't feel like that all the

2215
01:18:35,079 --> 01:18:36,914
time. I promise you during my waking,

2216
01:18:37,614 --> 01:18:39,395
adulting hours, I'm like, actually,

2217
01:18:39,775 --> 01:18:41,935
I'm gonna leave the room because I need

2218
01:18:41,935 --> 01:18:45,215
space from all people including this man I

2219
01:18:45,215 --> 01:18:46,914
love more than life myself.

2220
01:18:47,375 --> 01:18:48,949
But at night when

2221
01:18:50,369 --> 01:18:52,130
when the walls come down and I'm a

2222
01:18:52,130 --> 01:18:53,989
little sleepy Eevee. Anything

2223
01:18:55,570 --> 01:18:57,909
goes. Anything goes. And there are times

2224
01:18:58,289 --> 01:18:59,270
I do fight

2225
01:18:59,770 --> 01:19:00,270
the

2226
01:19:00,770 --> 01:19:03,489
it's time to roll over now. Okay. We

2227
01:19:03,489 --> 01:19:05,295
have talked about the different codes we have

2228
01:19:05,295 --> 01:19:07,135
in our you know, people in long term

2229
01:19:07,135 --> 01:19:08,814
relationships tend to pick up, like, codes that

2230
01:19:08,814 --> 01:19:10,335
you say to one another. It's shorthand for

2231
01:19:10,335 --> 01:19:10,835
whatever.

2232
01:19:12,414 --> 01:19:14,654
I made the joke that I because what

2233
01:19:14,654 --> 01:19:16,494
JB says is, okay, baby girl. It's time

2234
01:19:16,494 --> 01:19:17,935
to roll over and go to sleep. And

2235
01:19:17,935 --> 01:19:20,149
so I started making the joke of, I'm

2236
01:19:20,149 --> 01:19:21,850
gonna roll over like a rotisserie

2237
01:19:22,229 --> 01:19:24,729
chicken so that I come back around. Right?

2238
01:19:25,270 --> 01:19:26,829
I also complained that in the middle of

2239
01:19:26,829 --> 01:19:28,869
the night, I roll like a rotisserie chicken

2240
01:19:28,869 --> 01:19:30,949
because I'm constantly going back and forth. But

2241
01:19:30,949 --> 01:19:32,389
I was teasing. I was like, okay, I'm

2242
01:19:32,389 --> 01:19:34,250
a roll like a rotisserie chicken.

2243
01:19:34,574 --> 01:19:36,175
So because we both knew, so I would

2244
01:19:36,175 --> 01:19:37,154
come back around.

2245
01:19:38,654 --> 01:19:40,734
That I did that did not go over

2246
01:19:40,734 --> 01:19:41,234
well.

2247
01:19:42,654 --> 01:19:45,614
But now the code is rollover, but not

2248
01:19:45,614 --> 01:19:47,314
like a rotisserie chicken.

2249
01:19:47,935 --> 01:19:50,310
So or don't rotisserie chicken.

2250
01:19:50,789 --> 01:19:52,949
Or I just go, I'm gonna rotisserie chicken.

2251
01:19:52,949 --> 01:19:55,609
And we all know what that means now.

2252
01:19:55,829 --> 01:19:58,329
And that is some of our inner

2253
01:19:58,949 --> 01:20:01,109
code. Yeah. That's right up there with,

2254
01:20:01,989 --> 01:20:03,994
you know, saying, okay. It's time to go

2255
01:20:03,994 --> 01:20:04,574
to sleep.

2256
01:20:06,875 --> 01:20:08,474
Why why do we have to go to

2257
01:20:08,474 --> 01:20:10,414
sleep? Why doesn't sleep come to us?

2258
01:20:13,274 --> 01:20:15,835
And then you thought you got around it

2259
01:20:15,835 --> 01:20:17,430
one night and you went, okay. We're gonna

2260
01:20:17,510 --> 01:20:19,449
let sleep find us. And I'm like, no.

2261
01:20:19,829 --> 01:20:22,070
We should we should be more polite and

2262
01:20:22,070 --> 01:20:23,289
go to sleep.

2263
01:20:24,070 --> 01:20:26,310
I thought the Smith's head was gonna sleep.

2264
01:20:26,310 --> 01:20:26,810
Yeah.

2265
01:20:28,070 --> 01:20:29,289
You see? You see?

2266
01:20:35,744 --> 01:20:37,524
And there's something about the nighttime

2267
01:20:38,225 --> 01:20:39,045
in bed

2268
01:20:39,425 --> 01:20:41,604
after, like, 10:30 at night when

2269
01:20:42,864 --> 01:20:45,345
the baby girl comes out very strong. And

2270
01:20:45,345 --> 01:20:47,220
it's fun, and I'm having fun, and it's

2271
01:20:47,300 --> 01:20:49,140
playful well you know we we have we

2272
01:20:49,140 --> 01:20:51,640
have a routine in this house and it

2273
01:20:52,500 --> 01:20:53,880
usually early evening

2274
01:20:55,380 --> 01:20:56,680
Lola gets her zoomies

2275
01:20:58,659 --> 01:21:01,640
probably about half hour or so before bed

2276
01:21:01,805 --> 01:21:04,445
the cats get their zoomies. Mhmm. And they're

2277
01:21:04,445 --> 01:21:06,445
chasing each other. It it's like a freaking

2278
01:21:06,445 --> 01:21:09,484
cartoon. You'll see Ella running with Onyx chasing

2279
01:21:09,484 --> 01:21:11,324
her to the one side of the house,

2280
01:21:11,324 --> 01:21:13,645
and then they turn around and Ella's chasing

2281
01:21:13,645 --> 01:21:15,425
Onyx in the opposite direction.

2282
01:21:16,760 --> 01:21:17,420
But then

2283
01:21:17,880 --> 01:21:19,500
after the cats have their zoomies,

2284
01:21:20,920 --> 01:21:21,900
we go to bed,

2285
01:21:22,840 --> 01:21:24,860
and and and this one right here,

2286
01:21:25,320 --> 01:21:26,380
she gets zoomies.

2287
01:21:27,000 --> 01:21:28,360
It's usually the first time I've had to

2288
01:21:28,360 --> 01:21:29,100
actually fully

2289
01:21:29,720 --> 01:21:31,755
relax and decompress in a day.

2290
01:21:32,694 --> 01:21:33,974
And now there are days I'm in, like,

2291
01:21:33,974 --> 01:21:35,175
not a great mood or I don't feel

2292
01:21:35,175 --> 01:21:36,614
good, and I don't. And I'm not playful,

2293
01:21:36,614 --> 01:21:38,534
and I'm just, like, I'm just, like, zonked

2294
01:21:38,534 --> 01:21:40,694
out. Yeah. It's not happening. But days when

2295
01:21:40,694 --> 01:21:41,914
I'm feeling good or,

2296
01:21:42,295 --> 01:21:44,310
you know, it's just maybe been our first

2297
01:21:44,470 --> 01:21:46,569
chance in the whole day to truly connect.

2298
01:21:48,390 --> 01:21:49,530
Shit. Yeah.

2299
01:21:50,949 --> 01:21:51,449
So

2300
01:21:51,829 --> 01:21:53,930
I still currently do not accept

2301
01:21:54,310 --> 01:21:56,970
the label of brat. I am not actively

2302
01:21:57,715 --> 01:21:58,935
trying to brat.

2303
01:22:02,194 --> 01:22:02,694
But

2304
01:22:04,354 --> 01:22:06,194
I've been walking a fine line and I

2305
01:22:06,194 --> 01:22:08,755
know that. I know that. I can admit

2306
01:22:08,755 --> 01:22:10,295
that is my point. So

2307
01:22:12,220 --> 01:22:13,659
that's all I got. We can do a

2308
01:22:13,659 --> 01:22:15,500
bonus section. Okay. So are we,

2309
01:22:16,699 --> 01:22:18,380
are we good? That's not for me to

2310
01:22:18,380 --> 01:22:19,680
decide. I don't know.

2311
01:22:20,780 --> 01:22:22,539
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you

2312
01:22:22,539 --> 01:22:23,280
next week.

2313
01:22:33,114 --> 01:22:33,614
Daddy.

2314
01:22:36,074 --> 01:22:38,779
You okay over there? A little bit clamped.

2315
01:22:39,319 --> 01:22:41,159
Dottie. Yes. Maybe girl. Can we talk to

2316
01:22:41,159 --> 01:22:42,699
the crackheads? Yes. Okay.

2317
01:22:45,560 --> 01:22:46,840
I don't really have anything. You thought you

2318
01:22:46,840 --> 01:22:48,840
self tried, didn't you? I did. I did.

2319
01:22:48,840 --> 01:22:50,679
I had we're just having thoughts earlier, like,

2320
01:22:50,679 --> 01:22:52,524
oh, that be good. Bonus section

2321
01:22:53,225 --> 01:22:55,545
conversation, and it's gone right now. What have

2322
01:22:55,545 --> 01:22:57,465
you got? Well, I know I know me.

2323
01:22:57,465 --> 01:22:59,085
Part of this, you know,

2324
01:23:00,264 --> 01:23:02,524
I I kind of put a, small

2325
01:23:03,625 --> 01:23:04,764
hold on the rescreening

2326
01:23:05,720 --> 01:23:07,000
Of all our windows? Yeah. Mhmm. And,

2327
01:23:09,560 --> 01:23:11,659
the other day, I with with the weather

2328
01:23:11,800 --> 01:23:12,300
turning

2329
01:23:12,840 --> 01:23:15,320
somewhat nicer, I dove into the yard work,

2330
01:23:15,320 --> 01:23:16,699
which has been neglected.

2331
01:23:17,320 --> 01:23:19,320
Yes. And he mowed both the front and

2332
01:23:19,320 --> 01:23:22,175
the back yard without letting me help. And

2333
01:23:22,175 --> 01:23:23,234
I trimmed the hedges.

2334
01:23:24,974 --> 01:23:26,654
And I treated all the beds with the,

2335
01:23:26,895 --> 01:23:27,715
weed spray.

2336
01:23:28,494 --> 01:23:29,554
And I was

2337
01:23:29,935 --> 01:23:31,935
just not helping. And you were doing it

2338
01:23:31,935 --> 01:23:33,810
all on your lonesome. And I don't really

2339
01:23:33,890 --> 01:23:34,710
love that.

2340
01:23:36,210 --> 01:23:38,210
And then he was shocked when he was

2341
01:23:38,210 --> 01:23:40,770
exhausted and he didn't I wasn't shocked. I

2342
01:23:40,770 --> 01:23:42,630
knew I knew it was gonna happen

2343
01:23:44,609 --> 01:23:46,369
because I had worked all morning in the

2344
01:23:46,369 --> 01:23:47,010
shop and then

2345
01:23:48,454 --> 01:23:51,014
Yeah. That afternoon. And we had gone, what,

2346
01:23:51,014 --> 01:23:53,387
three weeks, maybe longer without mowing. Mowing. Yeah.

2347
01:23:53,387 --> 01:23:55,974
It was getting hot. Yeah. Lola does not

2348
01:23:55,974 --> 01:23:57,894
like it No. When she feels the grass

2349
01:23:57,894 --> 01:23:59,434
on her nipples. And, you know,

2350
01:23:59,734 --> 01:24:01,680
I've never felt the grass on my nipples,

2351
01:24:01,680 --> 01:24:03,360
but I'm pretty sure Well, I I knew

2352
01:24:03,600 --> 01:24:05,360
I wouldn't like it either. I I I

2353
01:24:05,360 --> 01:24:07,520
knew the the breaking point was when I

2354
01:24:07,520 --> 01:24:10,100
watched her one evening go behind the shed.

2355
01:24:10,320 --> 01:24:12,479
Which has no grass. Yep. It was like

2356
01:24:12,479 --> 01:24:14,500
I'm not squatting in this forest.

2357
01:24:16,795 --> 01:24:20,795
It's backyard jungle. Right. Yeah. No. She that's

2358
01:24:20,875 --> 01:24:22,395
yeah. If we've let it go way too

2359
01:24:22,395 --> 01:24:23,835
long, that's the sign. Yeah. I was

2360
01:24:24,715 --> 01:24:26,095
I once watched Lola

2361
01:24:26,555 --> 01:24:28,975
kinda stay on the back patio pad

2362
01:24:29,380 --> 01:24:31,220
and just angle her butt off in the

2363
01:24:31,220 --> 01:24:33,800
grass to pee. I was like, oh, honey.

2364
01:24:34,260 --> 01:24:34,760
Yeah.

2365
01:24:35,460 --> 01:24:35,960
Yeah.

2366
01:24:38,340 --> 01:24:39,940
And the and I you know, I know

2367
01:24:39,940 --> 01:24:41,400
we're not alone in this, but

2368
01:24:42,100 --> 01:24:44,199
we have to start mowing weekly

2369
01:24:44,704 --> 01:24:47,264
very early in a year, like Yeah. Before

2370
01:24:47,264 --> 01:24:49,684
most people are done with their winter

2371
01:24:50,625 --> 01:24:53,125
slash, like, really cold spring, like early spring.

2372
01:24:53,264 --> 01:24:55,024
It's time to mow everything. And then it

2373
01:24:55,024 --> 01:24:56,804
goes into about October,

2374
01:24:57,505 --> 01:24:58,409
and it's just like,

2375
01:24:58,970 --> 01:25:01,449
goddamn. I just want a fucking break. So

2376
01:25:01,449 --> 01:25:03,530
I get why we why that happens to

2377
01:25:03,530 --> 01:25:06,409
us. Plus the we don't have a riding

2378
01:25:06,409 --> 01:25:08,329
mower any longer. We just have a push

2379
01:25:08,329 --> 01:25:11,310
mower. True. True. True. True. True. True. So

2380
01:25:12,010 --> 01:25:12,909
Mhmm. Yep.

2381
01:25:14,475 --> 01:25:14,975
But,

2382
01:25:15,435 --> 01:25:15,935
yeah.

2383
01:25:16,235 --> 01:25:17,215
Mhmm. Yeah.

2384
01:25:18,074 --> 01:25:18,574
Yeah.

2385
01:25:19,755 --> 01:25:22,395
I'm worded out. Mhmm. I'm actually I have

2386
01:25:22,395 --> 01:25:23,515
no thoughts right now.

2387
01:25:24,155 --> 01:25:24,975
Brain drain.

2388
01:25:25,435 --> 01:25:25,935
So

2389
01:25:26,555 --> 01:25:28,574
I'm just I'm just grateful that the

2390
01:25:29,329 --> 01:25:31,189
the the weather is starting to

2391
01:25:31,970 --> 01:25:33,670
our our highs are,

2392
01:25:34,529 --> 01:25:35,430
like, in the low

2393
01:25:36,130 --> 01:25:38,369
eighties right now. Woke up the other day

2394
01:25:38,369 --> 01:25:40,710
and it was what? 58 degrees? 58 degrees.

2395
01:25:41,994 --> 01:25:44,235
That was a beautiful morning. We were pouring

2396
01:25:44,235 --> 01:25:46,715
resin this morning, 09:00,

2397
01:25:46,715 --> 01:25:48,574
and it I mean, it was just like,

2398
01:25:49,675 --> 01:25:52,715
probably not maybe 70 degrees. It was perfect.

2399
01:25:52,715 --> 01:25:54,479
There was not a drop of humidity

2400
01:25:56,159 --> 01:25:57,880
The temperature was so nice. I was like,

2401
01:25:57,880 --> 01:25:59,600
I can live out here. I can be

2402
01:25:59,600 --> 01:26:00,960
out here now for the rest of my

2403
01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:02,960
life. Came in the house, like, we complained

2404
01:26:02,960 --> 01:26:04,319
about at the top, and it's fucking hot

2405
01:26:04,319 --> 01:26:04,979
in here.

2406
01:26:05,359 --> 01:26:06,500
Fucking hot in here.

2407
01:26:07,925 --> 01:26:08,824
And then she came

2408
01:26:09,925 --> 01:26:11,925
out later, and she was shocked when I

2409
01:26:11,925 --> 01:26:12,425
had

2410
01:26:13,204 --> 01:26:14,425
cleaned both benches.

2411
01:26:15,284 --> 01:26:16,645
Oh, yeah. It looked really nice. I was

2412
01:26:16,645 --> 01:26:18,485
like, oh, wow. We can we can set

2413
01:26:18,485 --> 01:26:20,530
stuff out on the vent the work table

2414
01:26:20,530 --> 01:26:22,530
again. Yeah. Now there are certain things I

2415
01:26:22,530 --> 01:26:23,970
like to keep. I don't like to put

2416
01:26:23,970 --> 01:26:26,050
away because I use them literally every day,

2417
01:26:26,050 --> 01:26:26,869
and JB

2418
01:26:27,409 --> 01:26:29,729
had been really efficient. But since this time,

2419
01:26:29,729 --> 01:26:31,010
I was like, I have to go find

2420
01:26:31,010 --> 01:26:31,750
these, though.

2421
01:26:33,484 --> 01:26:35,324
Yeah. That was nice. It it made it

2422
01:26:35,484 --> 01:26:37,164
it looked like we have all this room

2423
01:26:37,164 --> 01:26:39,164
to work in now. It was a long

2424
01:26:39,164 --> 01:26:39,984
time coming.

2425
01:26:40,604 --> 01:26:41,104
Oh,

2426
01:26:41,885 --> 01:26:42,625
what about

2427
01:26:43,244 --> 01:26:44,545
your moment of

2428
01:26:46,579 --> 01:26:50,199
finding Ella facing down a neighbor cat outside,

2429
01:26:50,659 --> 01:26:51,720
not inside?

2430
01:26:52,659 --> 01:26:54,420
Yeah. One at one point, I came in

2431
01:26:54,420 --> 01:26:56,100
the house. I thought I had shut the

2432
01:26:56,100 --> 01:26:58,439
door behind me. Apparently, it did not shut,

2433
01:26:59,224 --> 01:27:01,545
and it was clacked just enough for Ella

2434
01:27:01,545 --> 01:27:01,784
to,

2435
01:27:02,505 --> 01:27:04,944
make her way to the front porch. Mhmm.

2436
01:27:04,944 --> 01:27:05,064
And,

2437
01:27:07,224 --> 01:27:08,684
I came walking back

2438
01:27:10,264 --> 01:27:11,864
through the house, saw the door clacking, and

2439
01:27:11,864 --> 01:27:13,324
I was like, oh, fuck.

2440
01:27:14,020 --> 01:27:16,039
I went to the window

2441
01:27:16,579 --> 01:27:18,840
next door and looked out, and there's Ella.

2442
01:27:18,899 --> 01:27:20,119
Her tail was like

2443
01:27:20,739 --> 01:27:21,239
poof,

2444
01:27:21,859 --> 01:27:23,779
and and she was squared off with with

2445
01:27:23,779 --> 01:27:26,739
a neighbor's cat. Mhmm. Not the cat that

2446
01:27:26,739 --> 01:27:28,500
every time she sees him walk across the

2447
01:27:28,500 --> 01:27:30,905
front yard, she hisses and, like, has a

2448
01:27:30,905 --> 01:27:32,364
love hate relationship with,

2449
01:27:33,064 --> 01:27:34,984
but some other rando cat that she probably

2450
01:27:34,984 --> 01:27:36,685
had never seen. Right.

2451
01:27:37,145 --> 01:27:37,545
And,

2452
01:27:40,425 --> 01:27:41,645
I opened the door,

2453
01:27:43,064 --> 01:27:44,364
and I said, Ella.

2454
01:27:46,239 --> 01:27:48,960
And she she turned around, looked at me,

2455
01:27:48,960 --> 01:27:50,899
and just trotted back in the house.

2456
01:27:51,520 --> 01:27:53,760
But then poor JB was in a panic.

2457
01:27:53,760 --> 01:27:56,640
He goes, where is Onyx? Yeah. Because the

2458
01:27:56,640 --> 01:27:58,244
door been cracked and it we didn't you

2459
01:27:58,324 --> 01:27:59,925
know, it had been several minutes and if

2460
01:27:59,925 --> 01:28:01,545
Ella got out, did Onyx get out?

2461
01:28:02,965 --> 01:28:06,085
We checked every hidey hole Onyx has. She

2462
01:28:06,085 --> 01:28:07,604
wasn't there. We're walking through the house. I'm

2463
01:28:07,604 --> 01:28:08,805
like, let me go check the 20 year

2464
01:28:08,805 --> 01:28:10,564
old's bedroom. That door's open. Maybe she's in

2465
01:28:10,564 --> 01:28:12,425
there. I walked past. She's sitting on my

2466
01:28:12,600 --> 01:28:14,060
my chair at the dining room table,

2467
01:28:14,520 --> 01:28:16,199
just curled up. I was like, this bitch

2468
01:28:16,199 --> 01:28:17,880
don't even know the door was open. And

2469
01:28:17,880 --> 01:28:20,039
she would take a shot, not at freedom

2470
01:28:20,039 --> 01:28:22,520
necessarily, but, like Yeah. All of the the

2471
01:28:22,520 --> 01:28:25,000
available space for hunting There there there was

2472
01:28:25,000 --> 01:28:26,460
there was one time the

2473
01:28:28,215 --> 01:28:28,715
door

2474
01:28:29,414 --> 01:28:31,414
from the laundry room going into the garage

2475
01:28:31,574 --> 01:28:33,194
Right. Yes. Was left open.

2476
01:28:35,255 --> 01:28:36,314
And and Onyx,

2477
01:28:37,494 --> 01:28:38,475
you know, as

2478
01:28:41,579 --> 01:28:43,819
as much a standoffish as she is to

2479
01:28:43,819 --> 01:28:44,899
people Mhmm.

2480
01:28:45,340 --> 01:28:46,479
She is the

2481
01:28:47,260 --> 01:28:48,159
one who will

2482
01:28:48,699 --> 01:28:50,699
jump into something when she sees it. Gonna

2483
01:28:50,699 --> 01:28:51,840
investigate. Yeah.

2484
01:28:52,699 --> 01:28:55,199
Ellen never went out into the garage. No.

2485
01:28:55,500 --> 01:28:58,145
But Onyx, she was everywhere. And when Onyx

2486
01:28:58,225 --> 01:29:00,385
we got Onyx back in, her she's black

2487
01:29:00,385 --> 01:29:03,025
cat. Her whole head is covered in cobwebs

2488
01:29:03,025 --> 01:29:04,704
and dust. Dust. Yep. I'm like, where the

2489
01:29:04,704 --> 01:29:06,244
hell did you get into? Yep.

2490
01:29:09,025 --> 01:29:09,210
Yeah.

2491
01:29:10,569 --> 01:29:13,069
Now my theory has always been that Ella

2492
01:29:13,369 --> 01:29:15,850
knows which side her bread is buttered on.

2493
01:29:15,850 --> 01:29:17,550
She's Yeah. She knows what

2494
01:29:18,010 --> 01:29:19,229
that she's got regular

2495
01:29:19,609 --> 01:29:22,545
food in this house Yeah. And soft places

2496
01:29:22,604 --> 01:29:25,085
to sit so that she's not gonna run

2497
01:29:25,085 --> 01:29:27,725
away. She's mostly not usually interested in going

2498
01:29:27,725 --> 01:29:29,324
out the door even when we open the

2499
01:29:29,324 --> 01:29:31,484
door. Right. She's curious and comes up to

2500
01:29:31,484 --> 01:29:32,685
the front door because she wants to know

2501
01:29:32,685 --> 01:29:34,925
where the hell we've been mostly. Right. And

2502
01:29:34,925 --> 01:29:36,510
did we bring her something to eat? And

2503
01:29:36,510 --> 01:29:38,609
really, I've had the same kind of reaction.

2504
01:29:41,229 --> 01:29:43,069
But so it does not surprise me that

2505
01:29:43,069 --> 01:29:44,050
she came in

2506
01:29:44,429 --> 01:29:45,170
so willingly

2507
01:29:45,550 --> 01:29:47,229
at all. Yeah. She was like, oh, that

2508
01:29:47,309 --> 01:29:49,229
that's the comfortable place, and they will feed

2509
01:29:49,229 --> 01:29:50,895
me. I'll go my ass back in there.

2510
01:29:50,895 --> 01:29:51,395
But

2511
01:29:51,935 --> 01:29:53,775
I do think that she might have been

2512
01:29:53,775 --> 01:29:56,515
a little disappointed that we so there's

2513
01:29:57,215 --> 01:29:59,854
big fluffy orange cat next door named Koi

2514
01:29:59,854 --> 01:30:00,354
who

2515
01:30:01,774 --> 01:30:04,015
still he loves our driveway, loves our front

2516
01:30:04,015 --> 01:30:05,135
yard, will not come up to us. He

2517
01:30:05,135 --> 01:30:07,510
is not that kinda cat. Beautiful, though.

2518
01:30:07,890 --> 01:30:09,670
I think he stands outside

2519
01:30:10,369 --> 01:30:12,609
our big window in the living room while

2520
01:30:12,609 --> 01:30:15,250
Ella and Onyx are sitting on that window

2521
01:30:15,250 --> 01:30:17,189
sill. It's like one of those, like,

2522
01:30:17,729 --> 01:30:18,229
wide

2523
01:30:18,534 --> 01:30:20,055
like It's like a bay window. Yeah. Yeah.

2524
01:30:20,055 --> 01:30:20,935
Thank you. I couldn't think of what it

2525
01:30:20,935 --> 01:30:21,595
was called.

2526
01:30:22,454 --> 01:30:24,154
I think he does it to antagonize

2527
01:30:24,454 --> 01:30:25,515
Ella because

2528
01:30:26,135 --> 01:30:27,914
every time Ella sees him,

2529
01:30:28,375 --> 01:30:31,350
she puffs up. She gets so mad. And

2530
01:30:31,350 --> 01:30:33,989
her meow, hiss, growl thing is one of

2531
01:30:33,989 --> 01:30:35,130
pure annoyance.

2532
01:30:35,510 --> 01:30:36,010
She

2533
01:30:36,550 --> 01:30:38,149
so it's like a When when she does

2534
01:30:38,149 --> 01:30:40,329
that, it's even enough that it make it

2535
01:30:40,390 --> 01:30:43,305
gets Lola up Yeah. From wherever she is

2536
01:30:43,305 --> 01:30:46,345
to go investigate as well. Yes. So I

2537
01:30:46,345 --> 01:30:48,345
always figured eventually she would calm down because

2538
01:30:48,345 --> 01:30:50,425
Onyx has calmed down. Onyx doesn't fluff up

2539
01:30:50,425 --> 01:30:52,765
anymore. Onyx doesn't try to attack the glass.

2540
01:30:52,824 --> 01:30:54,125
None of that. But Ella

2541
01:30:55,064 --> 01:30:57,225
and I'm like, well, I'm that's the enemies

2542
01:30:57,225 --> 01:30:57,885
to lovers,

2543
01:30:58,189 --> 01:31:00,210
like, book I wanna read. Yeah. Right?

2544
01:31:00,590 --> 01:31:02,270
But, actually, I think what Ella would do,

2545
01:31:02,270 --> 01:31:04,130
if given the chance, would be to attempt

2546
01:31:04,189 --> 01:31:06,670
to kick Koi's ass. Koi would kick her

2547
01:31:06,670 --> 01:31:09,649
ass. He is brutal. Oh, yeah. He is

2548
01:31:09,949 --> 01:31:12,135
he is a wealth he's an outdoor cat,

2549
01:31:12,295 --> 01:31:14,614
but he is well fed, well taken care

2550
01:31:14,614 --> 01:31:17,194
of. And yet, this little motherfucker

2551
01:31:17,734 --> 01:31:19,734
will eat off of the plates of food

2552
01:31:19,734 --> 01:31:22,394
that, one of our neighbors leaves out for

2553
01:31:22,614 --> 01:31:24,394
the stray cats in our neighborhood.

2554
01:31:24,920 --> 01:31:27,479
I have watched Koi, who is well fed

2555
01:31:27,719 --> 01:31:30,599
Oh, yeah. Bully another cat off of the

2556
01:31:30,599 --> 01:31:32,460
food that was left there, and I'm like

2557
01:31:32,760 --> 01:31:34,199
and Koi has no fucks to give. I

2558
01:31:34,199 --> 01:31:35,260
could walk up

2559
01:31:35,560 --> 01:31:38,425
and shoo him away, but he will immediately

2560
01:31:38,425 --> 01:31:39,784
come back and then they'll he'll fight for

2561
01:31:39,784 --> 01:31:42,824
dominance over that plot of land, and no

2562
01:31:42,824 --> 01:31:44,984
other cat can come up Yeah. And eat.

2563
01:31:44,984 --> 01:31:46,284
I'm like, you little shit.

2564
01:31:47,385 --> 01:31:47,885
Yeah.

2565
01:31:50,824 --> 01:31:50,904
So

2566
01:31:52,520 --> 01:31:53,500
Anyway. Anyhoo,

2567
01:31:54,439 --> 01:31:56,920
we should probably say goodbye. Yeah. We probably

2568
01:31:56,920 --> 01:31:58,699
should. I gotta cook dinner in, like,

2569
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:01,800
not that long from now. Correct. We eat

2570
01:32:01,800 --> 01:32:03,819
dinner very early around here, y'all.

2571
01:32:04,199 --> 01:32:05,904
We do not have the temperament for eating

2572
01:32:05,904 --> 01:32:07,744
dinner late. We get very hangry in this

2573
01:32:07,744 --> 01:32:08,244
house.

2574
01:32:09,344 --> 01:32:12,064
We started early dinner times because the when

2575
01:32:12,064 --> 01:32:14,244
the kids were in elementary school,

2576
01:32:15,344 --> 01:32:17,685
we wanted them to get to bed early.

2577
01:32:17,744 --> 01:32:20,079
Yeah. And so we when we never changed.

2578
01:32:20,699 --> 01:32:23,199
Nobody is goes to bed as early as

2579
01:32:24,059 --> 01:32:26,059
they did when we started a five to

2580
01:32:26,059 --> 01:32:26,800
05:30

2581
01:32:27,020 --> 01:32:29,819
dinner time, and we've never changed. No. I

2582
01:32:29,819 --> 01:32:31,599
mean, we get I mean, there's no reason.

2583
01:32:31,659 --> 01:32:33,520
There there's no reason for it anymore.

2584
01:32:33,954 --> 01:32:35,554
No. We could we could do anything we

2585
01:32:35,554 --> 01:32:37,715
wanted. Yeah. If it if I'm still cooking

2586
01:32:37,715 --> 01:32:38,994
at 05:45,

2587
01:32:38,994 --> 01:32:41,475
I've got both of them. The 16 year

2588
01:32:41,475 --> 01:32:43,635
old and the daddy dom Mom. What's happening?

2589
01:32:43,875 --> 01:32:46,675
Circling Yep. Like fucking vultures. I'm like, y'all

2590
01:32:46,675 --> 01:32:48,949
eat a potato chip. Okay? I'll get dinner

2591
01:32:48,949 --> 01:32:50,409
on the table when I can't.

2592
01:32:51,270 --> 01:32:54,229
So but, yeah, in thirty minutes at 05:00PM

2593
01:32:54,229 --> 01:32:56,090
eastern, I have to start making dinner.

2594
01:32:57,510 --> 01:32:59,530
So nobody gnaws their arm off

2595
01:33:00,070 --> 01:33:01,610
in a house full of things.

2596
01:33:03,345 --> 01:33:05,765
Because we never change. We're so habit

2597
01:33:06,225 --> 01:33:07,525
and routine oriented.

2598
01:33:10,145 --> 01:33:11,664
So I guess we should go so I

2599
01:33:11,664 --> 01:33:13,045
can do that. Yeah.

2600
01:33:14,145 --> 01:33:16,784
Yep. Okay. Hi, folks. We will be back

2601
01:33:16,784 --> 01:33:19,500
next week. Thanks for being here. Always a

2602
01:33:19,500 --> 01:33:21,099
pleasure to hang out with y'all. Especially to

2603
01:33:21,099 --> 01:33:23,500
the bitter end. We appreciate y'all. Okay. Yep.

2604
01:33:23,500 --> 01:33:24,800
Yep. Bye. Bye.