You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
four fifty five. Kayla Lourdes here with the
one, the only, the
I'm losing my touch. I can't think of
anything sassy, snarky, or silly to say. The
amazing Joan Brownstone, whom I love, very much
so. And I'm not even asking for anything.
I might later, but I'm not now. I
still love you. I love you too.
Aw. That was
that was a full throated acceptance.
You're supposed to just say thank you. It's
okay. It's okay.
Let's, move along, shall we? Look,
I mean, just starting as I mean to
go on. Chaotically. It's fine.
Speaking of that, the world is chaos. It
feels like it's on fire. Don't look at
the news if you don't have to.
At least for a little bit. Save your
mental health. Stay informed. Be a responsible
citizen. But also take a break from it
is all I'm saying.
And since we could all use a break,
let's do a BDSM Reddit response episode. Let's
see if I can rant. We can have
a palate cleanser, and we can work out
all our aggression
on people who should know better.
That's that's where my whole thing. That's what
I'm going for. Okay. Okay. Welcome to the
Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first
time listening, glad to have you. If you're
back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM
is produced every Friday for your Kiki pleasure
in education, and show notes are found at
lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You
can also follow the show on FetLife at
lovingbdsmpc,
on blue sky at lovingbdsm.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
On Instagram and technically threads at that handle,
I will forever
fucking
hate
with the passion of a thousand
fiery suns.
It's loving d s and the number one,
so at
loving d s one. I hate it with
every fiber of my being.
But I can't have what I want, so
here we are.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm,
where you can watch us live streaming the
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We are able to be weird and chaotic
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or use the link in the show notes.
Okay. So
before
we get into
this week's episode Mhmm. We're gonna start a
thing for before we get into topics for
I don't know how many I don't know
how many weeks it'll last until I don't
have anything to share.
But this time will be the time I
explain
why we're doing what we're doing and then
from here on out we'll just go, hey
our link of the week is blow up.
So
we are not going into details. I'm sorry
if this seems cryptic.
Even if you attempt to guess, I will
not confirm nor deny anything.
We're
we have changes in our life with people
we know and it's not our story to
tell.
We're actually still actively in the early days
of everything, so
wouldn't talk about it now anyway because it's
happening actively.
But for reasons,
I have been
searching for, finding, and working with a lot
of trans affirming care, gender affirming care, trans
health care resources.
Okay?
And I've started collecting
a lot
of resources and links that that I need
that I need that I'm, like, helping somebody
with and I'm bookmarking left, right, and center.
And the other day I just went, I
cannot sit on these links. I need
I know people know how to Google and
I have no doubt most trans people may
be aware of most, if not all, of
the ones that I have found. I am
not special. I am not Christopher Columbus. I
have discovered nothing.
But some of these things took multiple Google
searches to finally get to
a couple of things I came upon by
accident. I was like, oh, I didn't know
that was a thing. Couldn't have known to
Google it even if I had tried.
So my whole philosophy has always been it's
why I had a sex blog. It's why
we have
a power exchange podcast.
Is if I didn't know something, somebody else
didn't know it either. And if I needed
the information, somebody else needs the information.
So,
each week,
especially as we're actively doing this, I have
no doubt I'm gonna gather even more resources
and learn about new,
organizations
each week until we run out, we're gonna
share a Resource of the Week. I don't
know if it'll help somebody whose partner
is, you know, figuring out they're trans and
trying to work, you know, work through what
that looks like for them. I don't know
if it'll be for a person who has
figured out who they are or is just
trying to, like, get to new stages of
their transition or whatever whatever. But I just
some if one person
comes across this,
finds out about a resource they didn't know
about, and gets help, it's fucking worth it
to me.
Okay? So this will be the long winded
one because I had to tell you why
we got here and how we got here.
Each the future weeks I'll be like, Hey,
our link of the week is blah blah.
The other thing is I do not expect
everybody
to listen in order week to week to
week for what the resource is. We,
are going to compile those links,
on our website. The link for that is,
in the places.
It's actually on the stuff we recommend because
it didn't fit anywhere else. I don't know.
I might make a new page at some
point but it is linked. Okay?
Right now the only day of recording, the
only link that is there is this week's
link because I didn't have time to do
all my other links. But eventually I'll get
them all up there even before we talk
about them here. So
the first one I want to talk about,
is the,
site and the organization is called Campaign for
Southern Equality.
Their mission statement on their site
and
pasted it because I didn't wanna say it
wrong. They are working to build a South
where LGBTQ
plus people are equal in every part of
life. A South where your ZIP code doesn't
determine your rights. Where all of us are
free to be who we truly are and
love who we truly love.
Random Google search sent me there. I looked
around on their website. They've got a lot
of good resources, not just for for trans
folks, but they have very specific
resources and help
for
trans
both adults and kids, trans people.
In everything we've been doing, I ended up
scheduling a phone call. Y'all know how I
feel about phone calls.
And the person I talked to was absolutely
lovely,
gave
legitimate
good help. And that phone call only lasted
ten minutes, so even better.
Even better.
And that
with the information that I was in the
process of gathering, that sent us down paths
that we are now going down.
Extremely helpful,
if you are like us living in a
state where your government has decided to just
start taking away rights.
It's very frustrating.
It is very frustrating.
It is scary. The rhetoric that was coming
out of our federal government late last week
and over the weekend was terrifying. Yeah. I
know it's not new. I know it's not
new, but
It's kind of ramping up a little bit.
Right. So,
if you happen to live or somebody you
care about happens to live in a state
and they're like, what the hell am I
supposed to do? My state has banned all
this. It's not allowing. It's making it harder.
It's putting in
unnecessary red tape,
feel free. The link is in the places.
I hope somebody else can get use out
of that particular resources. Any of these resources
we'll end up talking about, but especially that
one. That was the
one where I got off the phone and
I just cried happy tears.
I was like, well that was delightful.
And look, I have actionable information
I can do something with.
I have learned in the past several weeks
that that is like the best thing somebody
can give me while I'm trying to figure
things out.
And I appreciated it. So Campaign for Southern
Equality is not just for trans affirming care,
but if you are that's that's our connection
to it.
So but if you are, you know, living
in the South, LGBTQ plus
there you go.
Check that out if, you need to. Send
it on to somebody you might know who
could benefit.
So that is that.
Okay.
All that and I have to take
a sip of my Diet Coke.
It's my first Diet Coke of the day,
so it's a very special Diet Coke. It
all
does mean that I'm gonna get bubbles and
hopefully not into the microphone. Nobody wants that.
Okay. So we have several
posts from
the kinky side of Reddit.
Let's start the title of this one.
My sub refused to say the safe word.
TLDR, my sub had a terrible experience during
a session and refused to use her safe
word. I feel betrayed, confused, and worried. I
may have hurt her without knowing it. What
do I do now? That's that's what we're
getting to, but here's the story.
Let me lean closer because I got old
lady glasses. Okay.
After our session last night, during the aftercare,
we were joking and relaxing, and I was
debriefing with her. She had several powerful orgasms,
so she was exhausted, but she was in,
what appeared to me, a good mood. I
know her very well. We've been together for
more than ten years, and nothing special was
on my radar at this point. After a
few questions about what I did and how
I did it, her her answers started to
feel a little bit off. So I pressed
her gently because I was not sure about
what she meant exactly.
Then jokingly, she said that what I said
at one point was not okay at all,
that it made her feel miserable,
not in the, quote, good way during the
playing session. Like, really, really miserable.
But she added that in the end, it
was alright. And now that I was aware
of it, I could adjust easily and never
do it again.
I was surprised and curious. I apologized sincerely.
I felt terribly uncomfortable and sorry. She was
still smiling and joking at this point, but
I was not. I asked her how bad
it was, what exactly did I say wrong.
I wanted to know exactly where I messed
up. I also added that I was shameful
because I didn't see anything wrong during the
session, only her pleasure.
Then she became very serious all of a
sudden, and she started to cry. She said
it was a horrible experience, that she felt
bad. She didn't like it at all, that
my words did make her feel like shit,
and she had to focus pretty hard not
to lose focus and still be able to
have
orgasms. I was
shocked. I asked her why she didn't say
the safe word. I was so confused.
She answered that she didn't want to at
first. Then she hesitated, then tried to, didn't
manage to, and finally decided not to. After
that, she said she didn't want to talk
about this anymore, that this was the end
of the conversation, that it was alright because
I would learn my lesson and not do
it anymore. So everything was fine now.
But is it though? We cuddled and spent
the rest of the evening doing something else
and sharing affection.
The things I've said, we already talked about
them previously. The things I've done, we have
done them countless times before.
I'm so confused. I'm hurt. I feel sadness,
shame, anger, all at the same time. I
also feel betrayed. She refused to say the
safe word when she was feeling bad while
it was her responsibility.
But now I feel like shit because I
saw nothing of it and she was under
my responsibility
too. I love her. The idea that her
session was something she had to go through
rather than enjoy breaks my heart.
It never happened before from what I can
tell at least. I don't know if my
judgment means anything at this point. And now
I'm not sure if I can trust her
anymore or if I can trust myself either,
to be fair. Maybe it wasn't the first
time. Maybe it will happen again on another
topic without me noticing once again.
Lastly, I feel guilty and like an asshole
because she's the one that had to endure
a session that felt wrong and that I
inflicted her on her somehow. And yet I'm
still here whining and saying that I feel
terrible.
My plan is to try to understand why
she didn't wanna say the safe word exactly
and, what else, plan our sessions even better?
I can't think straight anymore, but what I
know is that I really wanna make things
right from now on. I'm lost. I need
help. What would you do?
And I'm gonna the reason I chose this
one, because for all that we lecture, subs,
you gotta use that safe word. You got
Mhmm. This is what the other side of
it can look like. That's true. When a
dom is like, I thought everything was good.
Mhmm. But it wasn't. So now all of
that self doubt, all of that questioning I
don't think the questioning is bad. I think
you should look internally and go, did I
miss a signal? How do I you know,
those are all good. You you you need
to be able to do that. Mhmm. But
what what's really amiss here
is that she won't talk about it. Right.
You know, and and and that to me
is like
horrible. You're just left hanging in limbo. You're
not really sure what you did, what you
didn't do, what, you know. Right. And and
the way I'm understanding that was a that
was a long post, was that this was
stuff they had talked about previously. This was
stuff that they had done previously.
But this time it didn't, pardon the pun,
land well. Right.
And so, yeah. I, you know, I I
have no doubt,
2020 perspective or an outside, like, truly objective
perspective would probably find, like, flaws on both
sides. You could've done that.
Okay. But we don't get that. Nobody gets
the benefit of that. This person is, like,
trying to figure out
what didn't I see? What did I miss?
How why was it this time? And, yeah,
it doesn't sound like they're they've gotten, at
this point,
full information from their submissive.
I mean, you know, you if you if
you want to, you know,
I I give the guy credit or person
they,
you know, admitted they may have made a
mistake,
or they made a mistake,
you know, and and they didn't want to
do it again, and they wanted the information
so that they can, you know,
do better. Mhmm.
Mhmm. And and instead, he's just left with
nothing. Right. And, you know, I think the
quite frankly, the I don't want anybody to
ever feel shame, you know, shame is less
helpful than guilt, but shame comes from a
place and has a meaning. And I think
it feels like a good sign that not
only is there, you know, I wanna make
sure this doesn't happen again. I wanna understand
what happened. How did I miss this? But
also,
you know, the fact that
it is they are feeling this so deeply
is, you know, is a good sign that
they really are genuinely
trying.
But it is yet another reminder that a
dom cannot know all see all be all,
and it is absolutely
the responsibility of the submissive to the extent
that they can,
I'll get back to that, to communicate those
things. I a 100% understand the possibility of
a sub being in the moment and struggling.
Now we don't know why she struggled. Was
it, you know, a feeling of letting him
down? Was it a this? Did did she
freeze and she just literally couldn't and then
by the time she unfroze she went,
it's fine. I'll just suck it up. Who
knows? We don't have that information, and there
are a lot of reasons it can happen.
But it's not just about what happened in
the moment, because there can be good reasons
for that, valid reasons, I should say. It's
what you do after. It's how you handle
it after. And maybe during aftercare wasn't the
time to go over
all of the details of what happened, but
there should have been
in whatever amount of time it took for
everybody to kind of feel themselves again
and to be out of like the scene
and out of that headspace
absolutely a coming together to go okay let
let's break this down from each of our
perspectives
Because there have been times
where we've had a scene and something has
happened, not to the extent I felt like
I needed a safe word, but a thing
I was like, oh I don't want to
do that again.
And so when
there when everything's common and I feel like
this is the time to say, I'll go,
hey. You know that thing that happened here?
Yeah. Here's how I felt about it. That
wasn't my jam. And you have those conversations.
If it's so serious that
she froze and couldn't say for it, well,
now
we you know, there have to be signals.
There have to be more check ins, and
she's gonna have to me have to be
okay
with a very nervous Dom who's very now
uncertain of themselves checking in maybe more than
they ever have because
they're if this is gonna continue, the commute
lines of communication have to be better. The
trust has to be rebuilt because now not
only do they not trust themselves. Yeah. Like
they said, they don't trust their submissive. Is
are they gonna tell me what I need
to know if I'm not seeing signals that
would make me think, oh, I need to
check-in. Oh, I need to slow down. I
would
to the extent that that they can both
have these conversations
Look, I know I am
way too,
introspective and self aware, But sometimes that can,
like, be helpful
because
there can be
micro signals. I know that's not really the
word I'm trying to use. But, like, cues
that don't aren't big and obvious. Right? So
if the submissive can identify
the specific moments or at least one or
two moments where, hey, when this happened,
here's how I felt.
Maybe here's my body tensed up. Here's some,
like, small subtle things
that maybe you can learn to notice. I
think we have to be careful of wanting
our doms to be perfect and to just
know all the things. I don't that's not
fair.
But if you can tie, here's how I
was feeling to here's what my my body
did in that moment. Here's where, you know,
I I stopped looking at you. I I
stopped doing this. I started doing that. And
over time,
can learn that together, learn the language of
each other's, like, body language, so to speak.
That's if if
the she has the ability to identify that.
Not everybody does.
Not everybody lives in their head
to an unhealthy extent. I can do that
with JB. I we have come out of
scenes, and I've been like, you know, when
I my head did that thing? Yeah. I
was uncomfortable.
Thankfully,
it's never been to the extent where I
needed to say for them didn't. But We
we've even had things happen where
a couple times where we,
you know, didn't talk about it right afterwards.
Right.
But we were like, you know, this needs
to be talked about. Let's wait until morning
when we decompress a little bit. Mhmm. I
would say there does not need to be
any seining between these two until some in-depth
conversations
have occurred, until,
you know, the Dom
feels less a lot less shame, a lot
less. Mhmm.
I think nervousness going into a scene is
not inherently bad unless you're so nervous you
can't function properly, then nope. That's not a
good day. Yeah. But, like, I think
the Dom needs to figure out what reassurances
they need to feel comfortable and confident,
while also learning more about their submissive and
how they can help them. And their submissive
needs to just fucking open up and just
say the hard thing, whatever it is.
And maybe they investigate and explore together how
to
send signals or know it's time to check-in
or just, like, say, it doesn't matter if
I'm getting the signal. This is when I'll
check-in. This is until they're comfortable enough with
each other, until the trust is built back
up
that maybe they don't feel like they need
quite that level
of reassurance in scene. But I wouldn't have
a scene again until you'd laid out some
baseline. Yeah. Because that's not fair to either
of them. No. It's not. Because some if
there's a thing that's happening to the submissive
that they aren't prepared for and can't tell
you they're gonna get triggered, a thing is
gonna happen,
well, then they can't communicate effectively
how to keep themselves safe.
If they freeze in a moment like that
and so then can't say for it, that's
not good for anybody.
And, yeah, I just
I just this one
really struck me because I was like, man,
we talk a lot about when, you know,
when doms don't,
respect the safe word or, you know, we
talk about why subs need the safe word,
not just for their own safety, but this
is the picture of it. This is what
can happen. And then seemingly, in otherwise healthy,
good power exchange, kink relationship, whatever.
Yeah.
So next
one.
Whoop. Nope. I don't know how anything works.
How do I get to where I wanna
be? Oh, there it is. Oh my god.
Okay. Next one.
Deeply submissive wife won't tell me her limits.
It's not the first time we've done one
like this, but here we go. Hi, all.
First time posting here. Wifey and I have
a wonderful and fulfilling BDSM relationship,
have for the twenty plus years we've been
married. She's a she's a deeply submissive and
intense masochist,
and we practice DDLG dynamics mostly twenty four
seven, but can turn it on and off
as needed to just handle the hurdles that
life often brings.
I cannot put into words how much I
love her and the life we have built
together. She is just a rock star.
Now that our kids are semi out of
the house, we have more alone time and
we've been expanding our DDLG and BDSM dynamics,
exploring into areas we never never have before.
She loves having her nipples hurt constantly and
we focus daily on some sort of nipple
pain, like maintenance spankings. Nipple pain is something
that is required every day and she likes
it rough, so her nipples are sore all
the time. We also recently
got into pussy
spanking and fisting. Y'all sound like you're having
some fun. Okay. The crux of my problem.
Hence, advice. Wifey is so submissive.
She refuses to tell me when she's not
enjoying something very much or worse, she is
experiencing
bad pain. She just won't tell me. Even
when I ask, she just blinks her eyes
at me, smiles and tells me all is
well tells me all is well in the
world. When I push her on this, she
just says she's here for my pleasure and
doesn't want me to worry. She's happy when
I'm happy.
We had a recent scare with blood in
her vagina and she never told me about
it as she didn't want me to worry
about her. She reminds me that her vagina
is a tough cookie and she'll be fine.
I don't like this at all. We've talked
about it and I tell her how much
I love her and would never want her
to ever be actually hurt. And she has
to communicate with me when boundaries are being
pushed or her body is hurting too much.
We have a safe word, but she has
never used it and she never gives me
any indication, body language or otherwise,
of general discomfort or dislike. She's a girl
that really, really loves to serve. However, I
need her to let me know when she's
not liking something.
It's a circle. If she doesn't like something,
then I don't either. And but she just
tells me to do whatever I want to
her and she never resists anything.
This is driving me nuts. And now I
find myself pulling back because I don't know
what limits I have bounced up against that
she won't tell me because she wants me
to be happy.
Any ideas how I can best navigate this?
Wow.
I don't even know what to say about
that. That's that's
So I don't even know how I would
react to something like that. I I
yeah. So I I would be very curious
to know her perspective
beyond just what she shared and that has
been relayed.
There are people, whether genuinely or because they
believe this to be true, and I don't
know which would be which,
who
want to handle
the air quote bad stuff, want to be
pushed, want to just
Mhmm.
Do whatever the dom wants
regardless of how it impacts them physical physically,
mentally, emotionally. Now, first of all, I don't
think that's very I understand the urge to
just go, oh, I'm turning all of my
brain cells off. I'm not saying a word.
I'm because they're enjoying the submission part of
it. I hopefully, that's what it is. But
also, it could be a lie they've convinced
themselves up of. This is what a submissive
does.
But
the problem is,
is that if you will not take care
of your own physical well-being,
you make it so that you could be
long term hurt, injured,
unable to do the things. First of all,
you like you've got the potential for actually
being hurt in a not fun, not good
way. Right.
But also, if your
partner is like, no. No. No. The things
I like to do are the things you
like to do. So if you'll tell me
what you like or don't like, I'm gonna
have more fun. Right. And that is, is
where I think that the discussion needs to
come from. Needs to come from
the the a place of dominance of, well,
I'm your dominant. Right? You want to submit.
You want to please. This is a requirement.
This is an order. This is a rule.
This is this is how you make me
happy. This is how you submit to me.
I don't think that fixes any underlying problem
of
somebody who is so willing to submit so
deep that they just stop caring about their
own well-being
and don't give their Dom the information they
need so their Dom can care for their
well-being.
I mean, you know, when I was reading
it originally, the thought that came to me
was your old line of of I don't
wanna break my toys. Exactly. That that that's,
you know, one of the things I was
thinking of here because,
my gosh, the potential to, you know Mhmm.
Do some serious harm.
It sounds to me like for whatever reason,
the the doms
sharing and expressing
devotion, love,
you know,
wanting to make
her happy
is not hitting her on a level
that must must feel like submission. Right? Mhmm.
And depending on how she's wired, depending on
what maybe, you know,
a a long term partner would know or
the triggers or the things to stay away
from, whatever.
You know,
in a perfect world, you just fucking say
the thing. You just say, hey. I like
this. Hey. I don't like that. And then
you get more of what you do like
and it's a good time had by all.
Even if
the thing
she says is, I actually like it when
you go so hard
that my tough cookie vagina is working overtime.
But
if that is the truth, if that is
what she likes about submission and that's what
she wants it to be like. She needs
to be honest with him, the dom, so
that the dom can
decide
when have I gone too far? Where do
I back up? The doms aren't able to
make any of the dominant topic choices
because they're not being given the information.
Input. Yeah. Right. And I don't I'm not
saying this is what this is. But it
feel it feels like
it shades of topping from the bottom. I'm
not going to tell you what I like
and don't like.
You're gonna keep doing whatever. Even though it
makes you unhappy, I'm gonna keep tell not
telling you what I like and don't like.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right? So the the Dom is not getting
to make decisions
based on information.
They are
floundering in the dark. I'm not saying it
is topping from the bottom, but there's a
flavor of it there. There's a flavor of
it where you're literally not doing the thing
your Dom is telling you to do Yeah.
Which is to give them information they need
so they can be a responsible dog. And
see there, you know, there's another side to
this that that had come to my mind.
Mhmm.
Well, you should just know what I like.
It you know, from the way it's being
described, I can Mhmm. I
I can see where that would be, like,
a thing that yeah. Maybe that's what it
is. I feel like if that was it,
that she would just say that.
Because the way he's describing her is he's
discovering things that are bothering him.
And she's just like, yeah. It's fine.
Yeah. I'll be okay.
And if you are that deeply submissive,
then the submissive within you should be like,
oh, shit. My dominant is upset about something
in my submission. Maybe I should give him
the information he wants
as a submissive.
Right? Like, the act of telling him what
he wants to know can be the act
of submission.
The not telling him when he's expressly said
tell me
Yeah. That does that that That that does
not make a a very healthy,
DS relationship
to begin with? No. Okay. No.
And again, I would love to know, is
it because of a a misunderstanding
of what submission is? Mhmm. A genuine love
for this deep level of submission?
Just being that much of a masochist that
it's like, yeah, I can because we've kind
of had these conversations where I'll do things
I don't like
because I like doing them for you, but
they're not hard on us. I don't need
to say for it out. Right? But I
also personally will not let myself
potential part of how that kink
was supposed to go. Like,
I'm not into it, but, like, if I
did needle play, I I would expect a
little some specks of blood. Like, you just
punctured my skin. So that's an air quote
injury that's part of the play. Right.
You know, when you hit me with
a just wrong or just right thing,
I'll get marks. You might cut me. It's
happened before. Right? Yeah. I expect that. But
if something is happening in your play,
if I was the dom, I'd be back
and way the fuck off. I wouldn't be
playing at a level where, you know, I
would the possibility of of injury is even
there. I mean, even even if she was,
you
know, at the point that she was
a a masochist that liked extreme pain Right.
Liked extreme play, but again, that should be,
you know, some,
you know You still negotiate it. Right. You
still go, okay. Right. Let me just be
honest with you. I I don't like, if
I was picking, I wouldn't pick that.
Then, no. The way this guy's talking, she
would never see that again. Yeah. But he
would he could then make other things so
I say he. I don't know. The Dom
could make other things so good for her
if he's like, I know
this is what you like and then Yeah.
Goes for that. You know what I mean?
Like,
but
from a dom sub perspective,
if you can get to the why, like,
why do you feel that way? Is this
your masochism? Is this what you think submission
is? Like, where is this coming from? That
can sometimes help, like,
drive the conversation and give you a better
insight into your partner. But the other thing
is I think the dom leans on their
dominance and says, well, this isn't an option.
We cannot play again until you give me
this information.
You're my submissive
fucking submit. And if they wanna, you know,
say for it out of that or go,
I don't wanna do that. Okay. Well, then
we're not playing until I know
what the limit is. I know what you
genuinely do not like.
You know? Mhmm. It feels
like
for whatever reason, I don't wanna suppose too
much because we don't know her side at
all. But there's either
a she's a doesn't take him seriously when
he's lovey dovey
and is just trying to be a good,
you know, partner. Mhmm.
Or she doesn't think he means it or
she doesn't, like, see him at in his
dominant
see them in their dominant role
when that's happening.
And it I don't think it should be
like this, but sometimes you got a breakthrough.
You gotta get to the whatever.
Put the Dom voice on. Make it a
fucking order task, however that works in your
dynamic, and then there's no playing until you
get the information you need. Done. Yeah.
But my my nosy bitch self wants to
know where what her mindset is.
That's what I wanna know. Okay.
Next one. Anything else you wanna add though?
Okay.
Wrapping my head around the word owned.
I'm 37 female, new to BDSM and being
a sub. I'm starting to build something with
a Dom, which is exactly what I want
for my life, and I'm so excited. When
I first started dipping my toe into these
waters, I was only interested in bedroom dynamics.
But as time is passing, I'm learning more
and more. I'm finding being drawn towards wanting
more of a total power exchange dynamic. I
really hope my Dom gifts me with a
collar since I'm gifting him with my submission.
This next part is where I'm looking for
advice. I'm deeply
feminist and I'm mentally stuck trying to accept
the idea of being owned. To me, owned
has the connotation of being less than and
that I am not. I know a lot
of you in the lifestyle enjoy that, but
for me it feels icky. The more I
get to explore my submissiveness and be obedient,
the calmer and more powerful I feel. Honestly,
not only do I feel like an absolute
equal, I kinda feel like my position is
slightly elevated because I am choosing this. I
can rescind my submission at any time and
that feels powerful and gives me a bit
of an ego trip. So does anyone have
any advice on how I can see the
word owned in a different light? Or does
anyone feel the same way I do and
you use a different term?
About the day I kneel in front of
my Dom to have him place my collar
around my neck. It will be more meaningful
than that one time I got a vanilla
married, which I did choose to do. Shitty
divorce. So excited for this new chapter of
my life. Is this how most of us
come into the lifestyle? We dump the shitty
vanilla marriage or like, let me get my
freak on. Alright. Okay. So the word owned.
What are your thoughts? I have you know
I have thoughts. Yeah. You know,
a word is a word is a word,
and a word has as much power as
you give that word. Mhmm. Okay.
So, you know, if she doesn't like that
word, find another one that that resonates, that
that works for you. Right. You know,
a lot of people do that. Even, you
know, even with tie with, not title, but
titles. Yeah. People do that with titles all
the time, you know. Well, I don't wanna
call you, you know, this, but
Well, I can call you that. This other
one works. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so,
yeah. It's
I mean,
they seem to have their
head in their right, you know, they're they're
learning, they're
actually kind of growing starting from from bedroom
only and now Sure. You know, pushing some
limits and and and, you know,
moving into different things, you know, which is
fine. But, yeah, don't don't get too hung
up on a word.
Mhmm. Yeah. That that smacks
of having a belief that a specific
way of doing it or Mhmm.
Certain terms like this are what, air quote,
everyone must do
the one true way. I'm not saying that
that's what she believes, but Yeah. Somewhere that
idea got into her head of this this
is the term we use. Well, no. Yeah.
Yeah. You've called me a lot of things
and in scene you might have said
owned, but that's not a term we even
use for ourselves. Mhmm. You know,
unless we're playing and it's it's getting freaky.
But then we we're done playing and we
move on with our life. But if I
didn't like that word, I would go, oh,
that the word, I don't vibe with that
word. So and you would use something else
and we would move on with our lives.
But that that does sort of
I'm getting the sniff test of
somewhere along her path and what she's learned.
Somebody said something about that that made it
seem like this is just what how this
how power exchange works. Yeah. Submissives are owned.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And,
no. That's not true. That's not how everybody
sees it Yeah. Even in total power exchange.
Yeah. And see, the one thing that I
kind of,
kind of go, yeah,
not quite,
the right thinking is, you know, how it
makes
them feel less than. Mhmm.
Okay?
Like they're not equal.
And and that should not be, because just
like us,
we are
equals Right.
In a mutually
negotiated
power imbalance. Sure.
That that's how it is. You know, it's
it's not
that someone is truly lesser. It's not that
you're actually owned either. Right.
Yeah.
That that continues to be illegal. Mhmm. Yeah.
For the most part. Don't read our constitution
too closely. I'm not going there. We're we're
No. No. No. Supposed to be a palate
cleanser. Yeah.
I do and this is not to say
that I think
her or anybody else should rethink the word
owned,
and,
you know, change their mind that because I
don't feel that way either. But
the way I
hear other people describe being owned
often, but not always,
is just another way of saying cherished.
So fully taken care of, so fully seen,
so fully
encircled by your dominant partner that they are
to the extent that they can and even
negotiate, they're seeing to everything that you need.
And
owned doesn't, you know,
owned might be the word because
no matter how deeply we fill our roles
and some people do kink and some people
are kinky and, you know, whatever whatever,
it is still
play at the end of the day. At
some
point, you can if you had to take
off your submissive and your dominant hat and
go out in the world and be vanilla.
Life wouldn't necessarily be great, but you can
do it. You can stop that. So to
be air quote owned is not a permanent
thing. It's not a people talk like it
is, but we are all, you know, fully
formed adults who can who have, you know,
some level of autonomy
and free will is a thing and you
get to decide if you're there or not.
Not. Yeah. So, you know,
not the not to say,
you know, this person or everybody else should,
like, rethink the word owned and go ahead
and take it on, but to think about
what the word
can mean, because I know that's not universal,
to people who use it. If you look
at it, it's not it's not about being
chattel. It's not about being property
other than in
the way you negotiate and the way you
talk about it. But, ultimately, if this is
a healthy power exchange,
both sides are trying to see to each
other's needs, make sure that you are seen
and known and understood and valued and validated
and all that. But from the submissive perspective,
the way that I tend to internalize that
is,
you know, you are you are seeing every
part of me and making sure that what
you demand of me, ask of me, do
for me, make me do for myself, whatever
whatever
is within
the bonds
of I'm your dominant, so I take I
oversee you. I make sure you are
I can I can make a laundry list
of things that you are healthy enough for
play, that you are doing the things that
are healthy for you, that you are doing
the things that make me happy while also
filling you as a submissive that but but
but but but and it's not you know
what I mean? Mhmm. But again,
all that to say,
we don't we don't have to use the
words other people use. We don't have to
have the same mindset as anybody else. If
the idea of ownership being owned,
any part of that language makes you go,
oh, no. Thanks. Fine. That's not for you.
You reject it. Somebody brings it up to
you. Go, yeah. That's not my thing, and
you move on.
But to think that every submissive in total
power exchange or not
wants to be owned, is owned, use the
language of ownership. No. No. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Okay.
Next one.
This one,
I picked because,
damn, it feels like ripped out of the
pages of our life. Okay. Uh-uh.
Advice on cougar puberty,
another term people use for perimenopause.
Cougar puberty and the reality of changing or
eliminating
some play because of it.
Hi all. This is for all the ladies
out there that are going through or have
gone through what I call cougar puberty, otherwise
known as perimenopause
menopause.
Not a sexy topic, but a sex topic.
I turned 50 last month. For the last
year, I've started to notice the changes down
there. I've been into BDSM in one form
or another for years, but honestly, I'm not
sure my vagina can take it anymore.
Example. Never in my life had
had a UTI until six months ago, then
I had three in a row. MBV.
Bacterial vaginosis? I think that's what that is.
I've been fine now for two months with
vanilla sex so my husband and I brought
out the ball gag, spreader straps, and the
thick dildo and he tried to fist me.
The dildo was fine but the fisting was
a no go. We had plenty of lube
so that wasn't the issue. Now I'm wondering
if I'm going to end up with
BV or UTI again. The issue for those
that don't know is a woman's vagina starts
to atrophy as she goes through menopause.
So ladies, or men who are and have
been with women this age, are my days
of stretching my pussy with toys and my
husband's fist over? If you've been through this
to estrogen cream help, I can't do full
HRT due to family cancer history, but I
can do the vaginal cream. I'm going to
be seriously bummed if I have to try
to give up some of my kinks.
So the first thing that came to mind
when I read this,
and this is for anybody who's at at
that age, nearing that age. Maybe you're in
menopause and your doctor told you something. The
cancer thing, there are some people who cannot
take HRT. That is a 100% true.
But
is the information you're being given from a
doctor, first of all, have you talked to
a medical professional?
And is that medical professional basing it off
the old now debunked study
from
the nineties, I think is when it first
came out, that basically was like, nobody should
take HRT. Everybody's gonna get cancer.
And that's not accurate anymore.
So if your medical professional is basing us
on accurate current information about HRT and your
personal
health risks, cuckoo cuckoo. Okay?
Go with whatever they fucking say.
But if somebody told you twenty years ago,
you can't do this, that is probably bad
information and outdated.
Talk to a doctor. If your personal doctor
is not paying attention, is
not caring, is saying, oh, it's just what
happens when you get older,
fuck them and try to look for another
source. A fee there are multiple telehealth companies.
If you have insurance, this is much easier
to do. I am looking into a few
of those because I don't wanna go back
to my doctor,
who
that's their whole thing is,
you know, perimenopausal,
menopausal care
if you need that. So that's the first
thing. It's like, where did the information come
from
that you can't do it because Mhmm. It's
that might be true because there are some
people who can't.
But it might not be true depending on
the information. Now,
I have gotten mixed information about the the
vaginal atrophy.
Mhmm.
Because when it blew up on the Internet,
they were like, oh, yeah. Your labia just
gets sucked back in. They don't actually just
get sucked back in.
Doctor
doctor Jen Gunter, who I
I like her. She is she is a
gynecologist, and she was like, oh my god.
The Internet needs to stop saying it. Yes.
Atrophy can occur.
Yes. The skin
is there's not as much elasticity
as there used to be. So some of
the things you once did
before might not be easy or possible without
outside help. I personally have not tried just
an estrogen cream. I use testosterone
with estradiol in it. Right. Once that switch
was made, because it had just been testosterone
for it,
It did start making a difference. I can
actually
create my own natural lubrication. Now, man, are
we is it like warming up an old
Chevy that was old twenty years ago?
Yeah. Okay. It is. We're working for it.
Okay. Yeah. But those cars were fun to
work on. Well, thankfully, this car is fun
to work on too.
But when none of us have time for
that, there is lube.
I have not
I have not verified whether this is still
actually accurate or if it was just a
thing the Internet said fifteen years ago.
But there you know, I have seen from
time to time this
use it or lose it kind of thing.
It's true. I know,
anybody with a prostate, one of the things
that can help help, not completely, but help
keep your prostate healthy is could you please
go, like,
ejaculate,
masturbate, fuck, whatever.
Regular ejaculation,
apparently, on some level, I don't know how
much helps
vulva.
Mhmm. That the more you are getting blood
flow down there,
the more the blood can keep flowing down
there. Now that doesn't mean that you're, you
know, can keep flowing down there. Now that
doesn't mean that your, you know, vagina immediately
turns into,
you know,
slime that just stretches out however you need
it, but those things
can help.
I do wonder,
are they taking the time
to warm up the 20 year old Chevy
on a cold morning?
Mhmm. Could they get there?
Is this now I having UTIs and,
BV, that will you're not you're not fucking
you'd get away get away from me. Right?
So that will
mean that maybe you can't be consistent to
rev back up. But if
the
vaginal canal will stay healthy for more than
a couple days at a time Mhmm. They
could with some maybe
semi consistent, like, let's just play. Just have
a couple orgasms. Just, you know,
whatever.
I would be very curious about if that
would also
help. If the use it or lose
it thing,
you know Yeah. Is true or not. Mhmm.
So I can,
add my solidarity
solidarity
to this person. Mhmm. I went my whole
life.
Never had a UTI.
Had two UTIs
in
six months. Thought I had a UTI the
other day and then learned
from some part of the Internet that you
can have maybe it was our discord. Somebody
was talking about it. Basically, I have a
phantom UTI where your body acts like it's
a UTI but it's not a fucking UTI.
I don't know what that's about.
Yeast infections,
nothing makes me not want to
be dicked down at all like a yeast
infection. Had I ever had one prior to
turning about 44,
45?
No.
Have I had two now?
Yeah.
So
that's a very sensitive
microbiome down there. That's actually true. I'm not
being funny.
But it's like
it's like my girls down there are like,
look, we don't just let anybody in. And
if you come in, it's gonna be a
problem. And I'm just like, look, I'm just
trying to live my fucking life and get
laid. And I keep it clean And I
take care of myself. And so does JB.
Why are you punishing me? But, you know
now what I'm curious about from your perspective,
because
you got to meet me at, like, the
peak of my,
you know, sex drive apparently.
Because supposedly, it'll come back eventually, but I'm
not holding my breath.
What, if any, differences that won't hurt my
feelings?
Do you notice
from
my thirties to now
in in that kind of department?
Well, you know, we we talked a little
bit about this the other day.
And I think the,
the biggest thing is is that,
between the two of us neither one of
us can go for as long as we
used to well yeah you know can't wreck
a wreck a room like we did I'm
okay with that I feel a lot more
guilty now because I have had to clean
rooms more than I used
to but you know even even, like, you
know, we've had to find positions that are
Mhmm. More comfortable for us, you know. We
we have had to adjust.
I mean, it hasn't it's not been
the most horrible. No. What I'm referring to
is specifically working with my Chevy engine down
there.
The vagina.
Okay. Have you noticed
differences
pre perimenopause
and deep in the bowels of perimenopause?
Absolutely.
What kind of differences have you noticed?
Please try not to hurt my feelings. No.
No. Now now he's like, well, I guess
I just won't tell you.
Now you'll just be left happy to wonder
what it is.
Well, no. There there's,
you know, some of those mornings,
like up north when it's below zero and
you got dead battery from the cold, it
just ain't gonna start and warm up. You
better start pouring that lube out. Right.
So, you know, I I think that's the
biggest
the biggest thing.
Mhmm.
But, But when we do when we are
able to take our time,
and now I think that
I've kind of the medication and supplements are,
like, in harmony for these five minutes. We
can't get there. Yeah. It's just it's not
consistent.
No. It depends on so many more factors
than just willingness.
Yeah. Willingness is just, like, a tenth of
the whole process these days. Yeah. And and,
you know, I I know this is primarily,
you know, about
but, I mean, even myself, it takes
it takes a little bit more to to
wind up my engine too these days, you
know. Mhmm. It's just the the nature of
things. Yeah. And, you know, I think there
are things that probably can be done if
you're the kind of person who wants to
optimize, but that kinda makes me cringe. It's
like, well, not everybody has the resources,
has the body that will let them do
all the healthy things that are supposed to
miraculously make it. So nothing is ever difficult
for your your body to achieve again. It's
like,
that's not actually how it works for
most people. Like, yeah. We could we could
make
our our experience maybe, like, 5% better
if we did x y z. But at
a certain point,
I am in the throes of perimenopause
and in my mid forties. You are in
your mid sixties. Our bodies are changing. Yeah.
It does not matter
what else we try to do to combat
that. So yeah.
Anything else? Mm-mm. Okay. Let me go to
the next one. Mom.
Dom aftercare.
I'm aware of a lot of sub aftercare.
My dom is great at giving me aftercare,
but I was reading and learning about dom
drop, and I feel guilty. I never thought
about my dom aftercare too. It's a new
relationship, and I'm gonna talk with them about
how I can support them too. But can
you please give any advice on ideas on
what Dom aftercare looks like? Usually, he gets
me water, cuddles, and says nice things to
me. Is it the same to give to
him? When I'm back in my headspace, I
cuddle and I talk to him too, comforting
him best I can back.
But is there any suggestions I can bring
up to him? Thanks so much for reading
and any advice. I picked this one because
it it's not we talk about it more
than we used to, but it it falls
off the radar and it's like, yeah, let's
bring this one back. Dom aftercare is a
thing. Let's talk about it. Mhmm. So we
the immediate answer to this person's question is
to ask your Dom what they want. Right.
That is but let's talk about Dom aftercare
Mhmm. In general.
Yeah. You know, I have to ask them
because it's different for everybody.
But,
you know, yeah. Dom's experience dropped
too, and it's
not always pretty. So I know what I
do for you.
It's been so long since we've done a
scene where there needed to be, like, something.
But
from a personal,
like, what is it that you appreciate as
part of aftercare that that you like, that
helps you, that
I mean, for me,
you know, it it's a it's a spillover
from from giving you aftercare, the the cuddles.
Yeah. You are such a touch person. I'm
I'm a touch person. Yeah. Mhmm. And,
you know, there there's that. And and I
think what helps
with me is, you know, you you thank
me. Mhmm.
You know, for the scene and and you,
you know, you you just
I I I liked it, you know, this
is good. Affirmations. Yeah. Yeah. Affirmations like that.
And that and that helps. Mhmm. That's a
big help for me.
In
our experience,
your aftercare is not typically immediately after a
scene. If you needed something a little bit
more than just some cuddles and some nice
words.
But I do think it's been so long.
It's been so long.
I would include the need to go get
a high carb,
high cholesterol,
full flavor meal to kinda like Yeah. Perk
you back up. Because you tend to be,
like, buzzing for a while. You I do.
Sleep. You're like, No. You know? I I
know it it we're like in that word,
we are total opposites because you you're ready
to to, you know, you're
you're ready to shut your eyes and We
are stripped off. Enough that aftercare
is a thing we're both, like, yep. That's
what we need here. You I'm
I'm boneless and just tuck me into bed.
And and me, my mind is wired and
it is just,
you know, going a 100 miles a minute.
Mhmm.
So I know when
I think we know we don't even label
it aftercare, but that is essentially what it
is. When I am giving you those words
of affirmation, I'm making sure to say thank
you. Sure. Mhmm.
To let you know that, you know, it
was good for me that especially if, like,
you've tried something new, I'm gonna let you
know. Like, the aftercare time is to to
say the positives.
The debrief
sometimes takes place, like, immediately after somewhere in
aftercare. Yeah. For us, debriefs are, like, when
we're out of the ooey gooey feelings and
we're, like, okay, we're thinking straight again.
That's when I might go, hey, when you
did that swing, it landed here. Yeah. You
know, that wasn't great or whatever whatever. But
when it's like, okay, we're affirming one another
and we're like being all cuddly and we're
just like vibing together. I am a I'm
not gonna lie to you. Like, I'm not
gonna tell you I like something if I
didn't. Sure. But I'm a gas you up.
I'm gonna be like,
that was so good and you did such
a good job, and I really appreciate it,
and I really
because, you know,
I'd
like to think I do that for you
more often than maybe some, you know, I
did before or whatever whatever. But I, you
know, I think there's a tendency typically with
newer subs, maybe with long term relationships where
you're at that stage where
you're taking each other for granted. I know
we've fallen into that before. Mhmm. Everybody does.
But it is real easy to kind of
forget that, yeah, the Dom's in charge. And,
yeah, the Dom got to do what the
Dom wanted to do. But the Dom also
carries a lot of responsibility and a lot
of weight on their shoulders. And they'll try
new shit, and they will have spent time
planning the scene, and they will gone,
I I know this usually is okay. Let's
go. You know, so to let your Dom
know, don't lie, but if it was good,
if you enjoyed it, if you appreciate them,
let them fucking know.
Yeah. And and you know, some sometimes for
me,
like that the next day,
I just wanna plant my butt on the
couch and watch TV and just, you know
Yeah. That's usually when you're kind of like
a lump. Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Anything else you wanna say about that
one? Okay. I think this is our last
one.
It is
Oh.
It's idle. Yep. Yep. Oh, gosh. I'm
I'm knocking shit over around here. Okay. Hopefully,
we're still recording. Okay.
Don't break anything now. He keeps saying he'll
collar me,
but doesn't.
TLDR, my boyfriend slash Dom has been saying
he's going to collar me for the past
four months and hasn't. I'm hurt by it
and don't know what to do. Okay. My
boyfriend and I have been together for nearly
six months and playing in a dynamic for
just as long. Before that, we were online
friends for five years. We're both switches, him
dom leaning and I'm sub leaning. When we
first started seeing each other, he wanted monogamy,
which I agreed to while we figured things
out.
When talking out our dynamics, I made it
very clear I wanted to be collared. He
expressed the same. We went over what the
collars meant to each other. About a month
in, I collared him.
For a while, I thought him not collaring
me was a financial reason. But as time
went by and he bought us food and
he got me other gifts, it became apparent
that wasn't the case. We talk about the
collaring about every two weeks. We talk about
what it means. I talk about how I
still really want it and is there anything
he wants from me, etc.
It always ends with, okay, we'll start looking
soon,
then soon never comes. I don't want anything
expensive or elaborate. I told him he could
go to the local craft store and buy
a leather cord, a dog collar from the
dollar store, anything. Still nothing.
I don't want to talk about it any
more than we already do. I feel like
if I keep asking him over and over
again, he'll just do it because he wants
me to stop asking.
I'm hurting and I don't know how to
make it stop. If he doesn't want to
collar me, stop leading me on.
Over the weekend, we had two play times,
one on Saturday and one on Sunday. In
both cases, I felt myself slipping into subspace.
I stopped myself. I refuse to let myself
fall into subspace when playing with someone who
won't collar me, a rule I have for
myself.
It sucks. During aftercare on Sunday, he asked
if anything was wrong. I said I was
feeling droppy because it's been a while since
we played two days in a row.
He asked if anything was bugging me. I
said no. I lied and he knew. He
asked specifically,
are you sad because you don't have a
collar? I wasn't ready to talk about it
yet. I cut him off because I was
angry and wanted to scream.
What? I thought we already were.
Oh, no. I'm sorry. I've missed the whole
line. He asked specifically, are you sad because
you don't have a collar? I said yes.
He started to talk about how we can
move towards that direction, and I cut him
off saying I wasn't ready to talk about
it yet. I cut him off because I
was angry and wanted to scream.
What? I thought we already were doing the
moving towards.
Now he knows I'm upset. I've been at
work all day, and I can't stop myself
from crying. I don't know what to do.
It's not like I can talk to him
about it. I have.
I told him it means a lot to
me, and I need it to feel safe
in a BDSM dynamic
several
times. He's acknowledged it. If I keep asking
for it, it demeans its meaning. I can't
hide that I'm miserable forever. I don't know
what to do. I wish I didn't care
so much about a stupid piece of jewelry,
but I do, and it hurts.
Well, it's important to a lot of people.
This isn't something they've been hiding. They've said
it from
day one, apparently. Yep. Six months in, a
conversation every two weeks.
Alright. That's 12 conversations. I'm I'm I'm gonna
do the the, what
what do you call it? The TL Doctor.
Doctor. Uh-huh. Okay. Actions speak louder than words.
Plain and simple. He's telling you everything. Right.
He's giving you all the words, but not
doing a damn thing. Right. It's it's the
he's telling you with his actions. He does
not wanna call you. If he wanted to
call you, you would be fucking calling. Right.
This is not a lack of clear communication.
This is not
a misreading of cues.
This is This is We've been fucking talking
about it. This is this is he's got
the,
he's got the prize,
so to speak. Mhmm. Okay.
But
I would bet dollars to donuts that collar
is is too permanent
too permanent. There's something about it he doesn't
wanna do, but he's unwilling to be honest
about it. He's unwilling to say Exactly. I
don't want this or I wanna wait or
whatever the fuck it is. I don't even
care. Six months? I and I was gonna
just say six months. That that's
I might. I might. If it's a long
term relationship and other things are otherwise decent.
If it's like a few weeks of hemming
and hawing, I'll be a little forgiving. Maybe.
Maybe.
Six goddamn months where that was literally
like one of the things that talked about
from the very beginning.
They did not hide what they wanted. They
were clear. And it's
look. It's okay if somebody, including
this guy, doesn't agree, doesn't think six months,
doesn't meh meh meh. Right. But talk about
it. But that's an incompatibility.
Yeah. Somebody out there, if if this person
had been given the opportunity, I have no
doubt they could have met somebody who's like,
hell, yeah. I'm down for it. Let's do
the fucking thing. Mhmm. But they've been with
this motherfucker. Yeah.
And the old motherfucker would come out eventually.
Yeah. I,
you know,
the fact that they did the so here's
what really pisses me off. Okay. What do
you mean? What really pisses me off? I
know why they're pissed off because
the are you sad because I won't collar
you? They fucking know. This isn't even cowardice.
This isn't even a this isn't even a
hiding from it. They they are holding it
over Yeah. Their head, their something.
Something. They knew exactly why their partner was
mad. Yeah. But then said moving toward?
Yeah. Now why wouldn't you have said that
in conversation one, we can move toward it?
And then keep saying, if if
if he had said move toward in every
conversation, I still wouldn't like him. I still
think it's an incompatibility. Walk the fuck away.
You're not gonna get what what you need
from this person. No. But if every conversation
over six months has been, yeah, we'll do
that. Yeah. We'll do that. And now this
now it's moving toward fuck you.
Yeah.
Motherfucker.
That
sounds like someone's being strung along. Absolutely.
And there's some kind of mind game there.
Alexia said it in,
live chat. It's evil. That statement, are you
sad because blank? It's almost like they're glad
or proud that their actions are causing hurt.
Like, they know what the fuck they're doing.
Mhmm.
Like, oh, is that bothering you? Yeah. It's
this power trip that's not
not a power exchange. It's almost like a
It's manipulative.
A misdirected,
sadistic,
Yeah. It's it's sadism without the consent. Yeah.
It's, you know, I'm getting this
something about this is, you know, doing it
for me, but I don't give a fuck
Yeah. What it's doing for you. You know,
at at at that point,
at at six months,
I wouldn't wanna hear, well, you know, let's
see, think about moving forward,
you know.
At that point, it'd be like, let's get
in the car and let's go find something.
Right. We're past that point. I'm thinking,
you know, I it would have been fine
if Do or do not. It would have
been fine if he'd been like, look, I
don't wanna do this this soon. Let's let's
get to some
later point. I don't fucking know. Yeah. And
and then once you hit that point, you're
like, okay. We've hit that point. Time to
reassess. What are you but
with
nothing like that. No honesty. No. No. No.
No. No. And to know that if it's
if like they're saying every couple of weeks,
well, now it's a pattern and Mhmm. This
motherfucker knows the pattern. Yeah. And it's somehow
I don't like to suppose what other people
are feeling, but my petty bitch side is
like this shitty shitty human is reveling in
it. It's a power trip that's not ethical
power changes, not responsible dominance. No. It's the
manipulative yucky power trip. Exactly. I have something
you want and we'll keep playing this game.
Right. That walk the fuck away. You can't
talk. You can't communicate your way through this.
You know what you know what that is?
You ever see the picture of the horse
with the carrot on the stand in front
of it? Yes. Yes. Always chasing that carrot,
but it never gets that damn never gets
it. Never gets it. It's always there chasing
chasing that damn carrot. Yep. This is not
there's nothing about this. It's like, woah. Communicate
deeper. Fuck that. You The communication was done.
Done multiple times.
Ad nauseam. Like,
if this was really about just not wanting
to collar
their partner Mhmm. At some point if that's
genuinely what it was at some point they
would have been like exasperated and gone.
You know there would have been some kind
of I don't wanna do this in the
first place. There have been some argument. There
have been some bullshit.
The lead leading this person on like this.
Yeah. This is
reminiscent
of what I see on the non kink
relationship side about these
men who want all the wifey privileges.
Mhmm. And even girlfriend privileges, but they don't
want the title. They don't want the exclusivity.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Really? You need to be
on my side of the algorithm when when
cis heterosexual
women start talking about these fucking men.
Yeah. No. I'm I'm missing all that. You
you be glad. You you'll just be very
annoyed.
But that's
yeah.
It does show you know, it proves that
kink side of things is not
immune from that. Mhmm. But it makes you
a shitty kinkster. Yeah. Because you're not being
honest. Nope. You are being manipulative.
Absolutely.
An nonconsensual
power trip. Mhmm. But, yeah, this person just
gotta, like, gotta go because they've done their
part. They did everything I would have told
them to do.
Mhmm. Sure. Are you sad because that
Yeah. Yep. I would've once I would have
calmed down from that, I had so many
fucking words If I said something like that
to you, you'd probably smack my head off
so fast. Well, you know what? I think
in the I know me. In the moment,
I'd be like, what the fuck was just
said? And it take me I have to
process. Right. But if I let myself get
spun up over it, oh oh, I'd be
like, can we There you go. Have a
conversation with you. No place that would be
safe for me.
I would like to sit down and talk
to you about something that's on my mind.
And I wouldn't be able to safe word
out of that one. No. Not that one.
No. Not that one.
Ugh.
Sometimes these folks. I know. It's it's it's
unbelievable what some of these
folks and what they
I'm kinda glad I saved the ramp for
the last one. I'm hot and sweaty now,
but at least I didn't have to sit
here and be hot and sweaty for the
whole thing. That's true. That's true.
Very true. So, yeah, a final judgment.
Get Get throw that motherfucker to the curb.
Mhmm. Throw them all the way in the
trash.
Just
gross.
Anyway,
so
that was the last That was the last
one.
I'm gonna double check because I had to
use weird when different
browsers to be able to see things because
Reddit didn't like us using Chrome.
So everything looks different. I'm double checking myself.
Did I get them all? Mhmm. Yep. Yep.
Yep.
Yep. Yep. Got them. Okay. So Alright. We
can be done and we can go into
the bonus section. That's it? We're good? Well,
I don't know about that. That's not for
me to say.
Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you
next
week. Daddy.
Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the
crickets, please?
Sure. Okay. Thanks. Okay.
What have I got?
I've been I've been working.
You
have. You you've been we both we've both
been doing a lot of that. I've been
focused. Yeah. I was I think I was
talking about that last week at the Friday
night livestream. I've been focused Mhmm. Which I
love, but that means I am way busier
because I know what I'm supposed to be
doing and I can do it. But what
I've learned is focus doesn't mean I still
remember shit. How many times have I been
to the grocery store this week? I know.
Something I forgot.
I know. But you're you're you are working
on a very big project
Which I with the Kinkery.
Knock on wood. It's going faster than I
fear. There will be a point where I
gets I I get backed up and slowed
down because something weird will happen. Yeah.
And even even myself, I've been
you know, I did that big restock
and and the Halloween.
And then I put out we put out
our demo video and blew up our little
kinky corner of the Internet. Whoo. The amount
of orders I normally, if you place an
order from Friday night at thekinkery,thekinkery.com
through Sunday night, early Monday morning, I will
process every one of those fucking things on
Monday.
We had so many.
I finished processing the last ones late last
night to box up today to mail out.
It was wild. Lola had something to say
about that. Because she usually does. Oh, she's
got her pity ears up. I mean, she's
got a resting bitch face, but her pity
ears Yeah. They are. They're like that little
Yeah. Quintessential Mhmm.
Yeah.
So
Well, yeah. But then you handed me a
whole bunch of paddles, so I'll get to
have those Yeah. I am. For this weekend.
I I did handed you one yeah. Little
pocket paddles.
Lola likes paddles too, apparently.
She certainly got thoughts on them. Right.
Ma'am, we'll get to it. We'll get to
it. And,
we're getting weeks of judgment from her cod.
She it's, what time is it? 08:11.
Her, her Her good treat. Her prime biscuit.
I mean, same girl. I made a sheet
cake, and my piece for tonight is waiting
on me as well. Okay? You don't see
me howling at everybody.
But, I know what I'm waiting on. Yeah.
I mean, I've been I've been working doing
a lot of stuff, you know, for the
kinkery. And then in between, I've been doing
stuff for my,
non kinky site. Mhmm. Which I've had to
ignore your Etsy shop so I can do
kinkery stuff. I know. I know. But you
did get all the Halloween Yes. Ornaments up
there on the site, which I'm very grateful
for. And,
now in between making paddles and all the
other stuff, I'm making Christmas ornaments.
Mhmm.
Tayshu Tayshu said in live chat, my friend
sent me an Instagram clip about paddles not
realizing I know the kinkery well. No. Did
I tell the story
to y'all
about what happened with me and the 20
year old
with the kinkery? If I sell this story
already,
you got, like, a minute and a half,
two minutes to go do something else. For
anybody who has not heard the story, let
me tell this story.
I don't think I've heard this one. I
thought I told you. So this has been
weeks ago.
I get a text from the 20 year
old
that said
something to the effect of,
oh my god.
I just saw you on Instagram, meaning the
shop.
And I was like, well, I thought I
had you blocked. Like, you shouldn't be able
to see like, I thought I did that.
If you don't want to see us, just
block us. And he goes, no. A meme
you posted
about
praise kink and I think can't take a
compliment or praise kink and humiliation kink something.
One of those kinds of memes.
A friend of mine sent it to me
and it was the one you posted.
He was like, oh my god. I'm so
sorry. I remember that now. He goes, no.
Ivan
got to be the cool one.
When I said, oh, yeah. I know them.
That's my mom.
I was like, oh my god. Oh my
god.
And see and I know how the algorithm
works. It gets
if that gets shared to you, that account
gets shared to you, it's popping up in
your fucking feed
for a hot minute. Right. I was like,
oh my god. I'm so sorry. He goes,
no.
I don't mind now. He's like, because this
makes up for when I was in middle
school and got bullied for shit because, oh,
man, he had some shitty people around him
who were nosiest. Ugh. Awful people. He was
like, because now I look like the cool
one because you're my mom.
Oh, are we having upset tummy? Nope. Oh.
These are on the floor. She went right
to them. Yeah. No,
ma'am. So
yeah.
For, like, five seconds, I was mortified, but
he thought that I was kind of okay
because
my the meme I posted made him cool,
Question mark?
I didn't have the heart to tell him
that, oh, yeah. We get orders from your
college town.
Oh, wow. Semi regularly.
We even, vended at a play party up
there. We did. I know. I did say
if my child ever walked into a kink
space where I was,
I wouldn't I would men all need to
sit down for a second,
but I'm not sure.
I'm I think you need a stiff drink.
Emotionally mature enough to share a kink space
with my kid. There are people who can.
Good on you. I'm so happy for you.
There are parts of my life I would
like to keep separate. The mom me and
the kinky bitch me.
I want them separate. Thank you very much.
But, yeah, he he got to be cool
because he knew
the person was related to the person had
been birthed by the person
who posted
God.
Okay. That's good. That's way better than when
Oh, bless you. One of our demo videos
hits the wrong side of the algorithm. Mhmm.
So I'll take that. But yeah. Yeah. I
got we we both got to mutually be
cool for a couple of seconds.
Nice.
So
yeah.
No. I I
I think it's because at the time, I
couldn't remember
the 20 year old's handle. That might be
why I didn't block them because I know
the other parts of my vanilla family, their
their Facebook handle will be the same as
their Instagram, blah blah blah. And I sure
as shit went through and block block oh,
nope. Stay out of my account.
So oh, somebody has her zoomies. I think
she thinks if she plays, that she will
get her t r e a t a
little sooner.
One day we might be able to do
the Lola cam now that we're using updated
software,
and I would love for y'all to see
Lola
have the zoomies. Right. She's adorable. I mean,
look, like like
many, an older lady with a little extra
weight, she can only do it for so
long before she gets tired.
But while she's zooming,
she's adorable.
So
yeah.
I thought we were gonna get to go
see the 20 year old perform this weekend.
Yeah.
He's not performing, so I don't get to
go. I mean, there's nothing stopping me from
driving forty five minutes that direction except that
I don't want to if there's not a
reason to go.
So I guess I thought that was gonna
be my Saturday. So I guess I'll just
work on Saturday since I am working on
that big project. I'm I And there is
technically a deadline that we want to try
and meet for that merchant. Mhmm.
You know, I get And I'm probably gonna
work this weekend too. I got stuff I
wanna do. You would think
that when you work for yourself, you don't
really have that many deadlines. But if you
I have found in my professional life that
if I do not impose a deadline, sometimes
not a fucking thing gets done.
This deadline is semi imposed because I'm trying
to beat a certain
billing date
to have something done prior to that billing
date because I don't wanna pay full price
for something I'm not using. I will pay
full price for it if I'm using it.
Right. But while I'm still in the discount
period,
that I don't wanna still be building a
thing Right. And be like, there's a whole
thing. Anyway, self imposed deadlines
and soft deadlines from
billing departments
can really help sometimes. Yeah.
But
what else is going on?
I got to do chemistry lab in for
tenth grader today.
We set things on fire.
Homeschool
got more interesting this year. Chemistry is one
of the classes. Mhmm. And it's like the
kind of chemistry homeschool curriculum that
meets the,
credentials
required to be considered a genuinely, like, hands
on lab focused homeschool class. So we gotta
we gotta stand in our kitchen and do
shit. And today,
it was set boric acid, cream of tartar,
and salt on fire.
Not on fire.
But I I worked the flame and the
kid was, like, doing this stuff. I was
see,
I have fallen in to that
cliche
that the youngest is my baby, and the
youngest has had health problems, and the youngest
is this, and the youngest is that. So
I cling tightly to that's my baby, and
I do a lot for them that I
should probably do less of. And I recognize
I have a problem. But when it comes
to schoolwork,
not
not for one, nary one child have I
ever done their schoolwork for them. Mhmm. When
they turn projects in as little children in
elementary school, you could tell a small child
did that, not the rest of the projects.
Give them assistance when they need it. I'm
not a parent that does the thing No.
For the kid. So
I know I had to go get the
supplies,
but we were standing there. I'm like, we'll
read your directions.
Okay. And I, like, I did what I
think a teacher kind of sort of does,
you know, except not times 30. And I
controlled the flame,
but they did everything else. Mhmm. But it
was fun. I was like, why couldn't it
be this fun when I was in chemistry?
I'm not. Oh, goodness.
So yeah. We got to do now
were they pissed? Because I decided the time
when they were going to do
their lab work and not we have a
an agreed upon negotiated, like, here's when I'll
do schoolwork thing.
I was like, nope. You're on my time
right now, and I got shit to do.
Let's go burn some shit. So but that
was fun.
So
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm
you know, talking about the the cooler weather
earlier. I'm just getting anxious to get out
on the bike again a little bit. I'm
getting anxious for you to get out on
the bike as well Yeah. Because right as
the weather started turning
earlier this year, that was when I went
just before it turned, I was like, I
think I wanna try again. I think maybe
I won't cry above 25 miles per hour.
Look. The thing I will say about
anxiety and I I there's no universal. Everybody
has their own experience of it if you
even experience, like,
constant anxiety.
In my mind,
once I know the thing I fear can
happen
because it has happened, it's very difficult to
convince myself it won't happen again. Mhmm. Now,
can't do am I better prepared to get
through it if it does happen? Yeah. Because
now I've lived it and I'm like, okay.
We will fall back on that experience. I
will do things better the second time around.
But I still don't want it to happen.
And motorcycle accidents are right up there on
my list of things I don't wanna happen
again.
Yeah. But now that we've experienced one, I
can't my brain cannot turn off the fact
that it's possible.
But I do know I think for me,
it's gonna be kind of a light, not
professionally,
like, whatever,
exposure therapy. I'm gonna have to do it
a little bit at a time and gain
that confidence back. But I by right as
summer was starting, I wanted to. I was
like, yeah. I think I do. Let's do
this. Because I wanna go back to being
how we were back in the day
when I was on the back of your
bike, and we were looking all cute together.
You know, I don't know what it looks
like now as we're
we don't look like we did back in
the day when we used to change that
way. Because we're older and wider.
And needed a bigger bike. Yes. Part of
like, you know what? We you got the
Can Am because of your back.
But I do appreciate having a comfier seat.
Oh, I'm I'm sure. I'm sure. I don't
know if I'd want want a picture of
my ass hanging off your arm.
Even even prior to that, I was I
had been even thinking, you know, prior to
the accident at that point, I was kind
of thinking it'd be nice to upgrade Mhmm.
And get something like a Goldwing. We'd been
looking. Yeah. You know, we we kind of
had looked at them a little bit. And,
you know, they have the com very comfortable
Mhmm. Passengers. I know. I had already been,
like, anticipating one day having, like yeah. It
was more of the balancing thing anymore than
anything.
Yep. I'll never forget the day you were
you you were working yourself up to believe
you could never get on a motorcycle again.
And I was like, well,
why does that have to have two wheels?
Can't you get one with more wheels? The
balance let's take the balancing out of it.
I've already got things on my mind that
I wanna search to see if I there's
something out there to help you get back
into other things I know you love to
do. I'm not telling you because I don't
wanna ruin the surprise. And or I don't
want you to bring me down when you
tell me there's nothing out there.
So I gotta go do the search on
my own, but
if I find it, I'll let you know.
Okay.
K.
Could we just make eyes of one another
for the next twenty minutes probably? Yeah.
But I would like my piece of cake.
Mhmm. And I think we're gonna watch, Jimmy
Kimmel's,
return
to
TV monologue. Yeah. I've already watched it, but
I told JB, I was like, it's so
good. Let's watch it again. I've seen a
couple clips, but, yeah, I do I do
wanna watch it again.
Or all of it, I should say. Yeah.
Yeah. If, when I woke up this morning
not woke up. When I watched it this
morning, it was like 09:00. Mhmm. It had
over 9,000,000 views. When I went back and
saw it again or something, was looking at
something in my feed,
it had
17,000,000
views.
15,000,000
it, like, was
a crazy big number. 75,000
comments. Now, I know somewhere in that 75,000
was some negativity because, of course, there was.
But
the the comment gods were blessing me because
I was scrolling through comments to see what
people were saying, and they were overwhelmingly
positive. It's like when I when we watched
Jon Stewart,
The Daily Show on Thursday when he did
the,
administration approved episodes. God laughed at myself. Sick.
I know. Because I didn't wanna cry. Yeah.
And that video
got, like, within a few not that long
had 10,000,000 views and a shit ton of
positive comments. And and you know, just to
show
how,
and I can't think of the word shit.
But,
you know, how people are
really reacting. You know, they've said there's some,
affiliates that refuse to carry it. They're big
cities where they're not showing up. Yeah. That's
so weird.
You know what people started doing?
They started watching the channels that,
you know, seeing who their advertisers are. Yes.
And contacting their advertisers. And started contacting their
advertisers.
An account, I highly recommend if you just
want somebody who's not trying to get your
blood pressure up, but they talk about
current events,
Amanda's mild takes.
We follow her on Instagram. I know she's
on TikTok.
I want to subscribe to her Substack. Like,
I would be willing to pay for her
Substack because I like her shit that much.
Yeah. I haven't looked to see how much
it is though, so I don't know. Anyway,
she did a thing where she,
shared the template she's using to email advertisers
because she said, you can call the affiliates,
but they don't care. That's ideological
for them. They're not gonna change their mind.
Mind. Exactly. She was like, so you gotta
hit them where it hurts
and let their advertisers
know what's happening. She said she'd already gotten
at least one response of, oh, I didn't
know that and we will be fixing that.
And I was like, okay, let's see if
it really happens. Right? Yeah. Anyway
Anyhoo.
Yeah. So As the world burns.
We have to find moments of joy. Yeah.
Or at least
I'll find moments of joy.
Chocolate cake. Yeah. Jimmy Kimmel.
I never I didn't really didn't watch Jimmy
Kimmel before. I like Stephen Colbert. I like
John Stewart. I love John Oliver. Oh, my
God.
But I watching the monologue, I was like,
oh, maybe I should be watching Jimmy Kimmel.
I used I used to revel in late
night TV. I never did. It was never
really I I, you know, Saturday Night Live,
I Mhmm.
The Johnny Carson show. Mhmm. And, David Letterman.
You know? Yeah. Mhmm. And I I
I I'm I'm lucky to make it 10:00
most nights anymore. Well, yeah. Well, I watch
it. Look, we do not watch John Oliver
on HBO when it comes out. That's 11:00
at night. Sunday night, our time, we're too
old for that. We watch it the next
day at about 7PM.
Yep.
Mhmm. Yeah. Now the first time I really
like
it wasn't late night, but it was the
kind of the same thing, was The Daily
Show when I was in college.
And then we that and,
South Park religiously. Oh, yeah. South Park. That's
when I started watching that. Because I was
like, oh, I'm watching Comedy Central. But I
didn't watch any of the rest. The other
one I used to watch all the time
too on comedies I think it was comedy
Adult Swim. I never watched that, but yeah.
I don't know. I don't think it was
on Comedy Central, but, yeah, Adult Swim. I
know what you're talking about. Whatever. Cartoon Network.
Cartoon Network. Maybe. I don't I don't remember,
but, yeah. I Adult Swim. To watch.
I watch Jon Stewart when it's Jon Stewart
on daily show. Mhmm. And then every once
in a while, I'll I like watching reels
that were originally TikToks, I'm sure, of Stephen
Colbert. I usually find those very funny. But
if I'm gonna watch any of that stuff,
it's probably gonna be on YouTube.
You know? And I'm getting clips, but then
I'm
the fluff tends to be Yeah. Knocked out.
Yeah. So,
Teshu, I
might have seen that speech, but maybe not.
I know. So
for anybody who can't see live chat,
Teshu asked, have you seen Oliver's speech for
John Stewart receiving the Mark Twain award? I
remember
John Stewart receiving the Mark Twain award. I
have seen some speeches from that, but I
don't think I've seen that one. But I'll
go search it up.
Because I think it was in that when
Jon Stewart was winning the marked
was being honored with the Mark Twain award
or whatever.
I think that's where he said that comedians
are the canary in the coal mine on
First Amendment issues. Yeah. Yep. So That's true.
Anyway Yep. For people who were like, oh,
I guess we'll go. We just fucking kept
going, didn't we? Yeah. You know, it happens.
But I do want dessert. Me too. So
we're gonna go. Mhmm.
Thanks for hanging out with us. Exactly. Thank
especially to the bitter end. Holy shit.
And we will hopefully see you next week.
Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.