You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four
forty eight. Kayla Lords here with the one,
the only, probably the only human alive who
would let me say, hey. We had this
thing happen over the weekend. Can that be
content for this coming week? John Brownstone.
That'd be me. Thank god you're indulgent.
This week, we are talking about something that
we are currently and,
like, literally within the past seventy two hours
have experienced.
So consider this ripped from the pages of
our life kinda thing. And that's how we're
each experiencing our return to our DSLs
in a very uneven, nonlinear,
we want the same things, but we're not
at the same level quite yet way. Fits
and starts. Fits and starts.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for
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or use the link in the show notes.
Okay.
I don't really have any announcements,
like,
special announcements.
I meant to add something new to our
Etsy shop and just haven't
yet. We're still doing we're back to doing
restocks at the kinkerythekinkery.com.
So there are things there. There are some,
like, really cool new wooden knives that JB,
introduced
recently,
and I've got plenty of wax play candles.
So if wax play is like your jam,
we got you.
But everything else is basically an arysta. Yeah.
Right now,
it's a good problem to have. But,
I do think the day JB finally retires,
it won't be because he wants to no
longer work at all. It'll be so he
can get away from the concept of restocking
anything.
Pretty sure Hans is You know what? I
I I you know, with
a lot of stuff I've been doing,
I am getting very close to being able
to put AAC
in the tiny shop. That is true. That
is true.
Yep. Just need a a few more things
to
Fall in line. Tweak in there and and
fall in line and, yep, be able to
get a AC. So then I can work
in there and not Right. Melt. I don't
remember anymore. Do those window rattlers, do they
also have a heating component where you can
switch it and it'll blow warm air? I
don't care about the cold.
You say that now while you're hot. I
know how you are in the cold. Well
Anyway,
thecancery.com.
I can put on more clothes.
I can only take off so much. Right.
But the
the
conversations
we have when you're super cold are not
unlike the conversations we have when you're really
hot. It's all I'm saying in the most
diplomatic
submissive
way, lacking, possible, which
does in its own way lead us into
this week's topic.
I used to feel very weird about planning
these kinds of topics even though I was
like, yay. Content ideas that are easy. Because
I'm like, who the hell wants to listen
to, like, the ins and outs of our
specific relationship that may have no bearing on
your kink life? And then I had plenty
of people go, no. No. No. We're all
nosy bitches around here. Please do those episodes.
But
the thing I wanna say that I hope,
at least some of you can take away
from this, is while the specific details might
not pertain to you, you might not be
the kind of submissive that I am, you
might not be the kind of dumb that
JB is, you might not be at a
similar stage of a power exchange, whatever whatever.
It's just a reminder because I needed it.
So I'm assuming others need it. That kind
of where we're at with one another in
the conversation
we had over the weekend, which is just
one of a few, and there's still more
to come,
is very normal. I don't care how long
you've been together. Some of this stuff, you
know, still crops
up. So,
yeah, so that's, like, the thing if you,
you know, either you get to be a
nosy bitch today or maybe it helps you
now or in the future.
But this is absolutely,
like, just a slice of our life,
that we are literally still working through
as we speak.
Because who wants to wait until there's a
resolution to talk about something?
So I'm not quite sure where to begin
with this because it looked like it was
it started with an argument that was not
an argument at all. Like, we were both
annoyed with one another. But that for me
wasn't really where it started. But for you,
was that where this particular moment started for
you? Yeah. I mean,
yes and no.
I think some of it for me had
been kinda simmering
Sure. Under the surface for a little bit.
Mhmm.
So I'll take you on my journey and
you interject when Okay. When the stars align
and all that good stuff. So for the
past several
weeks, I got a lot on my mind.
I pretty much always do. There's always tabs
open in in my brain.
And some of them had been kind of
going down a
not exactly positive thing. I've I've had moments
where I'm thinking, am I is am I
is this depression? Like, is
I don't know. I'm not a I'm not
a
professional to diagnose that. Is this perimenopause? It's
always perimenopause because I'm in it. But how
much of it is
the the impact of perimenopause and how much
of it is something else? Is it low
dopamine and executive dysfunction, which can be perimenopause
and it can be neurodivergency?
I mean, it's sort of a I don't
know. Pick your fucking player. I don't have
a clue what is causing Mhmm. A lot
of the downturn of my mood and the
lack of motivation and some weepiness and just
some, like,
apathy and ennui all at the same time.
And I don't like feeling like that.
But
experience tells me that, you know, that is
usually a time I'll start dwelling on
things that are not great in other aspects
of life. Now for the past several years,
I've been very financial health, kids, blah blah
blah. And, you know, like, with kids and
health stuff, that's still kinda there.
With you know, we've entered new and interesting
levels.
And
we haven't beat,
the the baddie on this level yet, but
it's fine.
So in all of that introspection, because what
else was I gonna do? And I had
no energy to do anything else.
I started
thinking a lot about
not our power exchange specifically, but Mhmm. Myself
as a submissive, like, the things that I
need. And I think part of that is
when I'm in those kinds of head spaces,
I my brain does start, like, reaching out
for what could help, what could make me
feel better, what I don't you know, I'm
past the point of thinking, oh, if I
do these three simple steps, it'll fix everything.
Like, I don't go there anymore. But I
start trying to look around at my life
like is there something external that's making me
feel this way and what can I adjust?
What can I do to help myself?
And one of the things I kept coming
back to
was
not not wanting to think at all, quite
frankly.
That very stereotypical thing that I know
other submissives will probably relate to to some
degree of just turning off your fucking brain
and letting somebody else
just take the fucking wheel. I don't care
if it's Jesus or JB, but somebody take
the goddamn wheel.
And you know, we've talked about it over
the past several months. Like, I like to
follow like a little duckling and I like
and those are in the happy fun moments
where I'm like, oh, look. I'm getting this
opportunity.
But this was kind of bigger than that.
This was I need
not all the time. Our I'm not wired
that way and our life does not work
that way for an all the time shutting
my brain off but like I need
specific moments in time
where I don't have to
think about what the consequences
might be. Come up with 85 possible solutions
and think about the fallout from those things
so that we have some backup plans. Because
that's how my brain works. Is that what
you're supposed to do? Probably not. But that
that's how my brain works because I do
know I have anxiety.
So yay.
And, you know, it's just sort of this
mental exhaustion.
And I'm like Mhmm. I
I I kinda know
what I would like to
again, not fix it, not, you know, make
it go away, but, like,
a relief of sorts. And the moment I
let myself start thinking about that, because it
had it's been a very long time since
Mhmm. Kayla just shut her brain off or
anything.
You know, I was thinking about how I
missed it and how much, you know, that
the idea of it, which is never the
same thing as the actual
experience of it, sounds great. And so then
once my brain went down that path, I
was like, oh, well, what else am I
missing? And I've the other part, the thing
is one that you and I have talked
about a lot is that I don't get
to be
in my baby girl headspace very often. No.
I mean, unless it's the pouting, crying, whining
side.
The expressing displeasure
in a safe way space with a person
who lets me be
myself in whatever form that's gonna come out
in. Because when I'm upset like that and
it's in private and it's just me and
JB, I'm not like I'm not dropping f
bombs. I'm not yelling. I'm not cussing. That's
what I do when other people can see
me.
I was like and it's very much a
a whiny
kinda thing.
And I was like, I would like the
more positive side of that. I'd like to
just have these moments where and it wasn't
that air quote, I wanna be a baby
girl. It was I want my dom to
be a daddy
dom. Like, I want the daddy to come
back into the daddy dom situation. Right? You
know,
not just a title, not just a label.
So all of that's in my head and
has been, like,
simmering and bubbling and, like Mhmm. Right?
And then And I was simmering in a
different way. Right. And I want to get
to that. But let me say this and
then please let us get to that. Yep.
So here's what
made me finally have to say it all
out loud where he could hear me and
not just in my head where it's just
me, myself, and I.
We're driving down the road
and we're
doing the dreaded
what are we gonna eat this week so
we know what groceries to buy game. I
hate it. I
We both hate it. We're passionate. Oh my
god.
I just if I could ever be financially
comfortable enough to not have to think about
that again, I will take it.
So we're going back and forth on, like,
dinner ideas because now we're feeding for an
extra person because the kid's home for a
couple weeks.
And JB throws out a suggestion
and I do what I do. I think
of all of the outcomes
so that JB can make the most informed
decision. Is this what he really wants to
do? Well then he gets annoyed because it
does not sound like somebody's being a good
specimen going, yes daddy. It's somebody going, here
let me tell you why you're wrong. And
so he got impatient
and said, fine whatever. And it is never
fine when they say fine. Whatever. In case
you wondered.
And then my feelings got hurt. It's real
that part of my baby girl's self is
very close to the front.
Hurt feelings. Oh my god. I I was,
like, so
and so then we did not talk to
one another for, like I mean, in a
loving way. Like, we existed because we went
to the grocery store together, but we didn't,
like, talk and make nice with one another
for six hours. It was Yeah. Probably. So
that's the catalyst for how we got to
the part where I shared what was on
my mind. Now while I've been simmering, you've
been simmering. Well, yeah. She she had all
that simmering going on, and and I had
been,
in my own way, in my own head.
Mhmm.
You know, we I'm not gonna go into
a whole lot of detail about it, but
y'all remember,
last year.
And the previous years. And and previous years.
But last year was was the worst for
me. I I hit bottom. Mhmm. And,
you know, it was it was it was
a bad bad
space for
me.
You know, now let's come into this summer
when all this took place.
And
now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells
because I'm waiting for the bottom to drop
out. Right. Because you're thinking about last summer
and doing the comparison to this summer and
it's a it's an immediate bad tape because
it's just a year ago. Yep. It's it's
too fresh. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep.
So
that,
had kind of been sitting in there and
rolling around and didn't help make my
mood any more joyous.
No. It doesn't help with your,
patience, I've learned. No. Or that. We were
just talking about that today. Yeah. He was
joking about not being patient and I went,
who are you? Right. Because Well, I I
was that's where I learned that dreaded p
word to begin with. I I have always
been a very patient person,
and recently I have been
embarking on playing with something on on the
scroll saw.
And the first few times I I did
this particular thing it turned out,
pretty rough.
It was not fit for,
public consumption. Pretty pretty, it it it went
to the burn pile.
But anyway,
after getting some different blades that I needed
to do this particular thing, found out using
the wrong blades, which didn't help.
But I had to slow way
way down,
Slow
cuts. That's not a metaphor for life. I
don't know what is. Yeah. I know. Right?
I know.
Have the knowledge, have the right tools, and
slow the fuck down. Goddamn it. Yeah.
So, you know,
but it it's been hard for me to
focus.
Yeah. I've noticed that for sure. And that,
you know, I I have been struggling to
focus.
And,
you know, yeah. The it it all came
to head
over
the grocery list. Over the dinner that we
literally ate just tonight Yep. Before we started
recording and streaming.
Yeah. You're right. Because You're right. I am
I am nothing if not gonna try and
make sure JB gets what he wants.
And and that was, you know, when we
ended up finally talking, it was but, again,
it was multiple conversations. The first one was,
I still love you. I still love you.
Do we like each other? Yes. We do.
Alright. Okay. Here's a little bit of where
my head's at. And then
the next day, I kinda spiraled and ended
up, like, weepy in bed.
I got embarrassed because it was, like, I
don't I have all this stuff in my
head. I don't trust myself to, like, be
consistent. And I know I need to tell
you, but, and this is what I said,
but what if you don't want
what I want? And we have been, knock
on wood, we've been very fortunate over the
course of our relationship
Mhmm. Where
we're not always at the same level with
each other, but we tend to be on
the same path going in the same direction,
seeking the same things.
Mhmm. And I'm
not completely unaware. I'm self involved.
I know JB can't focus. I know he's
stressed. How do I know he's stressed? Not
just because he tells me, but because there's
a tone in his voice when he's stressed.
And it and I talk to him more
than any other human on the planet. So
guess who gets to hear it? I know
what it sounds like. And I
do what I would do for anybody that
I care about, but, you know, in a
power exchange, it just has more meaning. I
am
as, you know, being the submissive I am,
the type of submissive I am,
and also the people pleaser and all the
stuff I should go to therapy for,
the the thing I desperately don't want is
for JB to be unhappy. And if I
can help make that not a thing, then
I'm gonna do that. So I'm
hyper aware
of this man's mood. Right?
So all and he's been open about it.
We've talked about it. You've not hidden that
for me. Right. He didn't need to, but
still, it was good to have the conversation.
So that's why in my head,
I'm like, I might say the thing I
need to say just to get it out
of my head.
But, you know, for the first time in
all these years, I'm faced with what if
he doesn't want what I am asking for?
Now I get to come at that from
knowing we have this foundation of love and
trust
and compromise. And even if he's unable to
give me everything I'm asking for, and I'm
really not asking for that much, I don't
think. But, you know, if he's not quite
there yet, I know we'll find the compromise.
We'll ease into it. Like, I know all
of that. So, you know, I have a
lot more not that he didn't have empathy
for people who find it very difficult
to and they're uncertain when they're talking to
their partner about their kinky needs, but I
have a new level of empathy
because for the first time, I'm sitting there
going, this is the time he could reject
this.
Kindly
with love,
there's still rejection.
And that for me was sort of the
moment when I realized, wow. Look how far
we've come and look how far we still
have left to go. Mhmm.
And it was the and this is so
naive of me to have this realization,
but it's just because we've been lucky so
far.
It was the first time I had to
face the reality that a a lot of
people go through of
we're not at the same place on this.
Mhmm. And for different reasons for, you know
and it could it could shift. We could
come out of this summer and you, you
know,
the heat could break and
the bank account won't. And, you know, you
could
be on the upswing and the focus come
back and the some of the stress will,
you know, diminish.
And then for all I know, that'll be
when I'm the most stressed.
And I'm like, I don't have time for
the thing you're trying to give me,
JB. And, you know, and we're we're mismatched
a little bit more.
The the the only good thing with this
for me a little bit is for whatever
reason,
the creativity has been flowing.
Yes. I think see, to me, I think
that's a good sign for you
because because
last year,
there was the stress, there was anger, there
was fear, there was depression, there was and
all of those are separate things, but also
the lumped together.
And you were,
you know, you were struggling
to do the things you're always do and
have, you know, have the creativity flowing. So,
like,
seeing all of that and seeing how you
get inspired and you're excited to go, except
when it's really hot, excited to go into
the shop and make the things and do
the things and, like, do this thing you're
passionate about,
that lets me know that
it this year is not last year. Right.
Yeah. But it takes a while
to it could take I mean, for some
people, it could take literal fucking years
to stop kind of being mentally or emotionally
stuck in a moment that was really bad
because they're sort of on edge
waiting for it to happen again. Mhmm. As
somebody who has
been stuck there too, like, I I completely
get it. Which was another reason I'm was
very hesitant to say anything. It's like, am
I asking
for too much? Not that I am too
much. I don't I I don't think that
way anymore and I don't want anybody else
out there. Yeah. Look, if they think you're
too much, tell them to go find less.
Okay? I know I'm not asking for too
much because I am too much. But is
this too much for JB to handle? And
if I'm having that moment then why bother
asking? Because the last thing I wanna do
is put pressure on him. Which
from a like in a loving healthy relationship,
those are not bad thoughts to have. Now
add the layer of submission where I just
desperately want
my Dom to have everything he wants, and
you can see how easy it is for
you to push down your own needs and
not talk about them because you don't want
to, like, what? I don't wanna inconvenience him.
I don't wanna stress him out. Mhmm. I
don't want to ask him. I don't want
him to try to do something he's not
ready to do just to make me happy.
And maybe not everybody has 85 thoughts happening
at the same time that revolve like that,
but some of y'all do. I know I'm
not alone. And that's all of that is
just swimming in my head on top of
this thing with a kid and this thing
with that and this thing. You know what
I mean? It's like, it was
I mean, we ended up
having
a spat, a tiff. It was not a
full blown argument. It was not it was
about ground beef. It was about ground beef.
If you're ever like, what's the dumbest argument
I could get into with somebody I genuinely
love? Ground beef is up there.
It It just is. And
the noodles.
And the noodles. And I think Can't leave
out the noodles. If we had been speaking
to one another when I finally just made
the grocery list on my own, so JV
did not have to think about it because
clearly that was stressing him out,
we might have bought more noodles for tonight's
dinner.
Plenty of beef, but not no noodles.
Yes. It it was it worked out fine.
Fine.
It really
And you see, we we can laugh about
it now. Right.
So and I for the record, if anybody
is confused,
JB is giving his full permission and support
to talk about this
when it's, like, three days old. So for
for
anybody
wondering,
if we're
I I didn't have to twist his arm,
guilt him, or bat my fucking eyelashes.
We're gonna get into this. Okay? Because that's
all the setup. That's all the background. That's
all the what's happening that we're not talking
about.
So then we start talking. Yep. This is
where I know for many of you, you
might not relate because, you know, we're not
the same type of submissive. You're not the
same type of dom. Whatever whatever.
But But here we go. Drip from the
pages. The first I don't I don't know
what order I said anything in anymore. I
don't know. If that's there should no. No.
It
but the first thing that
was that I think of right now that
I was, like, very important
that I needed JB to understand
about all of this, about I want more
from the our current power change. I want
to get back to more of the things
that we've had.
I think I said it eight times because
you know me, I'm gonna repeat myself. So
you are there's no question if you know
what I mean and I'm right? There's no
miscommunication.
It's like, look, I'll do service all day
long. I don't I don't this is not
that I wanna do less service. This is
not that I'm not happy as a service.
I'm very happy as a service
in the way that we do it, where
there's not a lot of, you know,
assigned tasks as needed. It's more of a,
here are the things I need you to
do and I know my role and I
know what JB will allow and what he
won't and where I need to stop and
go ask and where I can just do
and inform and it is done as a
service
because I want his life to be easy
and peaceful.
I'm not going to be his peace but
I would like the rest of his life
to be peaceful.
And so I I look at that from
the lens of acts of service. Right?
And I said, look. I don't want any
of that to change.
I I am I'm not asking for less
of that. I'm not asking for more of
it, but I'm not asking for less. I
said, but here's the thing
with that kind of service.
There is
a lot of mental and emotional load that
goes with it. There is something we talked
about a few weeks ago. I think there's
some decision fatigue because I am empowered to
make certain decisions
because we've got the longevity of our relationship,
and we know what the other would do
and what the other would want. That's not
six months to a year in a relationship
kinda thing. That is years of being together
and just knowing
how things work in your life and your
relationship.
I was like, that takes its toll, and
I don't necessarily want less. I'm you know,
I I was so
I wanted to be so clear that I
was not blaming JB for how I felt,
that I was not unhappy with that part
of my life.
I'm just tired. I'm just tired. Yeah. And
I I pointed out to him. I was
like, look, the dynamic we've had for the
past several years through all of the chaos
we went through was like, you were very
clear. I'm very honest. You could not be
the same kind of dom. You did not
have it in you. So as we've said
many times in past episodes, we put it
on autopilot. Well, autopilot is a service up.
Still means a lot of fucking shit to
do. Right? Like, if I had needed to
do less, we could have negotiated that, of
course.
But I like my routines and I like
doing what I've I did yesterday and will
do tomorrow because then I don't have to
wonder what happened. Like, I just know and
I just go and I do. I was
like, but here's the thing. I took on
service that some of it I still have,
like financial service. That's a whole other conversation
that we tend to have many
times. How the financial stuff goes.
I was like I said, but, you know,
while you took that step back that you
needed Mhmm. I was like, I didn't shut
it off. I said, the thing I shut
off
was being able to turn my brain off
and being able to be taken care of.
That was always my thing
when I was learning about
submission and myself as a submissive and I
figured out, like, baby girl is the word
for me, little does not doesn't feel right
to me, not that there's anything wrong with
the word, it's just not right for me.
Like, brat's not right for me. It's not.
Feitche is not. Anyway
and the the hardest part of accepting myself
as a submissive was the baby girl side
because the baby girl side wants to be
taken care of, wants somebody to make some
decisions for her, wants to be told, no.
You can't do this. Yes. You need to
do that. Let me do that for you.
You know? Let like, you just sit there
and and be a sweet little baby girl.
Okay.
A spicy little baby girl, and I'll I'll
do for you. Right? Not
on big levels, but, like, these small things.
Right?
And,
Jimmy didn't have it in him for a
for a long time. We would take moments
where we could where I felt my baby
girl self and he felt his daddy self.
But that wasn't something we could do
on any sort of regular basis.
No. And and for me, you know, yeah,
I I I fully admit it. You know,
on on
my journey back,
You know, we have
slowly brought back our power exchange. Mhmm. Very
much the service sub
The dom. Yeah. Like, the Dom sub, not
the a little bit of outliers that we
kinda do. Not the nuances of our power
exchange. Mhmm. And
Gotta lost my thought. I hate it when
that happens. Oh, Jesus.
I'll keep talking and then I'll go back
to you. It'll come back.
Oh, god. I'm not the only one with
Swiss cheese brain, but it Oh, no. Okay.
You know, and my sadist side
Mhmm. I have,
you know Oh, you've embraced the fuck out
of that for sure. I I wonder on
that, is that sort of a stress relief
for you? As much as anything else, as
much as pleasure, as much as a personal
To a certain extent, it is. Yes. Is
it stress relief? Yes. I mean, it helps
that you, I guess, have a screamer and
you like screams. So to the extent that
I can, I do? Right.
So we're having this conversation,
and I again, I'm trying to reiterate,
I'm not upset at being a service sub.
I'm not mad at the service I've done
over the several years. I'm not mad at
the service I do now,
but it's
not enough. I am tired.
Like, I am just
exhausted.
And I need more than the occasional
crossing a parking lot and just hold his
damn hand brain shut off. I need
something more than, oh, we tried this thing
for this day out or this weekend or
this like, I I need something that's
sort of what's the the there's an expression,
but I can't think of it. But, basically,
it's sort of intertwined with the fabric of
our relationship, like services. Service is easy. Services,
I'll do for you. I'll take care of
this. I have said this before and I
will continue
to believe it's about myself.
It's also because I got control issues.
And I understand the irony of being a
submissive submissive with control issues, but I know
I'm not the only one. That's why it's
so hard to give up control. But being
a service sub, the way JB likes it
for me likes for me to be, I
get a lot of control. I just have
to think about what would JB what would
JB do?
W w w j b d. That'll be
a new bracelet, I guess.
And what has he allowed before? And then
I've had to learn to stop myself when
I have when I don't know for a
fact.
So that's kind of where, like, I'm tearfully.
I'm just, like,
crying into my hands and hiding my face.
It was very much in my baby girl's
face because what I did not want to
see was the
just kind of an expression that JB can
get when he
he empathizes
and he wishes he could give you what
you want, but he cannot. And I was
like, I don't
I don't wanna see that face.
I don't wanna see that reality
before he
he even gets to talk to me. Now
here's here's the thing that kind of fucks
with me because it just shows that nothing
is linear
and,
you know, you can be riding a high
one moment and then be crying in your
pillow the next. And why is it like
that? Was it was Sunday morning.
No. That in in our Patreon podcast, I
refer to as the great dickening.
If
you need a reason to to join our
Patreon,
I did call that the great dickening,
where we had some of the best
kinky rough sex. Mhmm. Twice.
Like, we had to, like, take we're we
are not as young as we once were.
We are not a spry as we once
were.
Twice in two hours? Are you kidding me?
And it was it was delicious. It was
delightful. I was It was. Man, I was
feeling so
good after that. It's
like, you can't tell me nothing because I've
been smacked. I've had my hair pulled. I
pulled it back. I didn't even wash my
hair after that. I pulled it back in
a ponytail. I'm just like, we're just gonna,
like, swim in this.
It was delightful. It's fucking delightful.
And then several hours later, I was crying
because I need I need more. Right? And
not more in the JV is not enough.
More in the I have different wants and
needs and they're not being fulfilled.
Now
I know JB is still mulling and I'm
not asking him to share trade secrets on
a fucking podcast.
But
can you share your thoughts? Not necessarily your
plans unless you want to. I'm down for
that. But what are you thinking about? And
what are you like, where were you in
during that conversation? Where was your mind going?
And where is it at now? Whatever whatever.
My mind's all over the fucking place.
I know.
Same girl. Same. Yeah.
You know,
I I think to a certain extent,
deep down,
I I knew because even myself, I knew
daddy hasn't been out.
Oh. And I'm long time. I don't miss
the daddy that says no. That's not my
favorite daddy.
But the daddy who buys Diet Cokes and,
like, turns on the TV and says we're
watching this. And the daddy who does that,
I miss that. I don't miss the daddy
that says no. Just
he can he can keep on having his
vacation.
Just so you know, in case you wondered.
So, you know, in in bringing that up,
it it wasn't
off the mark at all.
You know?
And,
yeah, I've been noodling it. I've been
thinking.
Plotting?
Yeah. I'm good with plotting. Okay.
So, you know, yeah, I do not have
any definite,
but I the plan is coming together. And
I think I would find it very strange
just the nature of our relationship if, like,
one day we're just the way we've been,
yeah, how for however long, and then you
said, okay, tomorrow
a switch flips and everything changes. I you
know,
it might
but I feel like it would make more
sense
for who we are
if if it just sort of starts showing
up Mhmm. In these little ways, you know,
part Yeah. Again, but part of it sitting
right here is I don't want anything to
stress JB out. So if it is better
for him to just do little things as
he goes and not plan something big, then
I'm not asking for.
I'll minimize myself way too fast. That is
not healthy and good. I'm not proud of
it.
Now JB said something to me. So part
of the conversation
Mhmm.
Part of part of the blow up
over ground beef and fucking noodles.
Goddamn. I'm embarrassed
about that now.
Is JB did the thing that I
like, it was like nails on a chalkboard
to me. He goes, but what do you
want? And I'm like, no. That's not what
we do here.
I didn't say that part, but I did
kinda say that part. And see, let me
explain something.
I know,
you know,
weeks ago,
I went to you
because I knew something was off. Oh, yeah.
I've been off for a hot minute. You
know.
And, you know, you're you're kinda like, you
know, you know, I'll I'll I'll I I
think I need to sit down and write
an email.
Yes. Because I needed to organize my thoughts.
Okay.
And, you know, I I didn't say anything.
I wasn't pushing her, you know. I was
reading looking for
an email. Waiting for it with beta because
I I prefaced it with, I think I
need to write this out. I don't think
I can say it. Mhmm. And I'll I'll
be clearer and more organized. So this is
not an argument email.
This would be a here. I just need
you to know what's in my head email.
So, you know, when the the way that
actually came about was because in my thinking,
I was like, I'm going through my head
thinking of everything she has been doing.
Everything that she's been doing. And and in
my mind,
I'm thinking,
oh shit, her wells run dry. What does
she, you know, what can what can she
do,
you know, that's why I think, what would
you like? What, you know, that and that's
where I was coming from with
that. And you're like, nope.
I know. And that the reason I brought
it up yeah. I was pretty pretty clear.
There was clear communication there. The reason I
brought it up is when we were having
our conversation, JB
literal
sweetest thing
because I think it is it's very easy
for either side of the slash to go
through this. I can only speak as a
submissive.
But you're sometimes worried that the things you're
doing are not seen. They're not they're appreciated
maybe, but they're they're doing are not
seen. They're not they're appreciated maybe, but they're
like, nobody kinda gets what Mhmm. Goes into
that. Right?
And, again, that is either side of the
fucking slash. If you were taking care of
somebody in whatever way,
I think we all at some level just
want to be recognized for that. Now don't
throw me a fucking ticker tape parade. I
don't need a you know, I'll take a
gold star, but that's just because I'm a
gold star slut.
But
he said to me he said he said,
do you know why I ask
you? What do you want? He was like,
because you do so much for everybody in
this family.
I want you to have what you want.
And I said, what I want is for
you to tell me what to do. And
see, that's where I was reading the room
wrong
because I'm not psychic.
Well and you know what? Here's what's funny.
That to me is how far down the
we're not at our best DSLs
hole we had dropped because
a few years ago,
he
he would've I think he would've intuitively understood
that what I wanted was to be told
what to do. You would've approached it differently.
Yeah. You would've checked in in and made
sure that no no you are reading this
right.
But the first thing
you thought of would not be let me
give her everything my sweet little baby girl
wants. So it would have been like, how
can I tease the shit out of her
and make her smile? Like, you know, that's
sort of the distance we are from where
we used to be to where we are
now to where we're trying to get. Yeah.
And and so then I had to have
the conversation. And I get where it comes
from. It tells me that you have listened
and paid attention to the service part of
Mhmm. My submission. And, God, I appreciate that
because haven't we all known at least one
person in our life that we try to
do things for, and they just took advantage
of that shit. And that's not even a
role thing. That's just a person thing. I
married that one.
Done with that. Won't go back.
But
oh, God. I just lost my train of
thought. Oh,
but the problem
with the way I we do service and
the way I've done service where I've taken
on a lot of stuff in order to
make JB's life easier,
right,
is that I
have definite thoughts and opinions about how things
should be done. And I have moments where
I want to be involved
in that decision making. It's important to me
to be involved in that decision making. And
then there are times
I don't give a fuck. And I've tried
to I've tried to signal that where he'll
JB will ask, what what do you think
about this? I'm like, it doesn't matter to
me. Whatever you want. And it's been on
weird stuff. Like, should we go to,
this gas station or that gas station? That's
the level of I have the information that
I shared with JB.
Those are the decisions. It's that granular. I'm
like, okay. We got 5¢ off this gas
station. Is the best offer right now. Yeah.
We got 15¢ off that one, and I've
checked the price of this one. And so
here and, like, it's collaborative. She knows the
gas prices like I know the weather. Y'all.
The amount of apps I have on my
fucking phone to save 3¢ off a gallon
of fucking gas is just it should be
embarrassing. But, you know, so there are times
I'm involved in decision making at
that small of a level. And there are
times that it feels very important to me
to be a part of that. And there
are times I'm like, I don't give a
fuck.
And so here's here's where the growth and
maturity and we've done this for a minute
come in. I said,
I cannot and do not expect you to
know in any given moment
where my head is at. That's not fair
to you
because it's not. It's not. Because on a
on a day where I'm feeling kind of
vulnerable and I'm feeling, like, worn down and
I'm, you know, I'm overwhelmed,
I might want
more of the decisions made for me, the
the easy stuff. Right? But also,
I might my anxiety desperately
has me try to seek control.
And my fear of being misunderstood
makes me over communicate. I don't know if
y'all have noticed in the past ten years.
And so that's that that's a combination
that does not look like submission from the
outside,
or from the inside sometimes.
So
then the next conversation was, okay. Well, what
does that look like? And again, I still
have not not asked this man to commit
to, are you gonna tell me what to
do? Are you gonna let me shut my
brain off? Can I like, that he's gotta
think about that? And that for me is
the uneven point. Like, I have thoughts. I've
been thinking for weeks. I was like, I
could use this and I could use that.
And I've been watching our life and I
could pull,
examples. If you remember that time, that would
have been great. You remember this? That would
have been great. And poor Jamie is like,
I've just been over here trying to fucking
survive the summer.
I need time to think about it. So
I was sharing a lot. Yeah.
And thankfully,
he did not have to use his communication
safe word. If you are new here or
if you do not remember,
when I start over communicating,
whether it's too much information
or it's just gone on too long because
I keep repeating myself or it's whatever,
we we have a safe word for it.
And JB says the word and I know
he's done.
And I don't I don't worry about that.
When I'm talking about something
very important to me or very difficult, I
do have that thought of, oh, have I
gone too far? The communication safe word was
not used. So No. I was giving him
plenty to think about. And I
knew this prior, but I when we started
having the conversation, my brain immediately went, you
are not gonna get answers today. Because I
he's not where I'm at.
Mhmm. That uneven thing. Right? I'm at this
point, he's a few steps behind, and he
might wanna shift the path a little bit
once he, you know, has time to think.
But we did talk about
some ways to navigate
how to
tell where Kayla's head is at.
One of those
is a literal
check-in. I was like, I said, I don't
wanna tell you what to do do because
you're the dumb here, and I'm trying to
get away from telling anybody what to do.
Like,
I was like, but you can literally just
ask. Is this a moment that I can
just make this decision or do you, you
know, do you wanna be a part of
this? And I was like, if you do
that, I'll let you know real quick
how I feel about it. Because I'll know
in the moment. I'll I'll know if I'm
overwhelmed by the idea of making a decision.
That's the moment I don't wanna make a
decision. Or if I have very strong thoughts
because for whatever reason, I have thought
about the,
the order in which we should do the
errands this Saturday for the most greatest efficiency,
and to use least amount of gas. And
can we get a little treat to eat?
And will I get my diet? And I've
already mapped it out in my head. So
ask me me because I have thoughts. Right?
Do I understand how insane that might sound
to some of you and how familiar it
might sound to others? Yes.
But then and this is the thing we've
been
working through that has nothing to do with
power exchange or everything to do with communication.
If,
as I suspect I am Mhmm. I am
neurodivergent,
likely
ADHD, ADHD,
and autistic.
Very likely, but I don't know for
sure. I have I have
I've known how I communicate, but I've learned
some things about it,
and I'm getting very clear. And something about
sort of accepting that that is probably who
I am,
the
like, it's just
some of those traits
that I've had a very, like,
firm lock on for forty plus years, they're
just blossoming out. Oh, poor JB. I don't
think he knows what to do with it
sometimes.
But it does mean
I understand myself a little bit better than
I once did. And once you spend literal
weeks just in your head, just just swimming
in there with thoughts and not actually speaking
them, sometimes
you formulate
them to where you can speak them. And
I said I was like, look.
Because one of JB's
annoyances,
but,
not an annoyance like, god, I fucking hate
that, but more like, oh, there she goes
again,
is that
I will sometimes ask a lot of questions
and or many times over something simple,
like a conversation about ground beef and noodles.
Have you thought about this? But don't forget
about this. But you need to think about
this. But and he
look. I've been reading people from the fucking,
cradle. I know when somebody is annoyed with
me. Okay?
And I had to explain to him in
that moment since we're talking about
you can't know if I want you to
lead or if I don't want you or
if I wanna be part of this more
without the check-in. It's like, but here's the
thing I need you to understand because it
has been a point of contention for us
a lot over When I ask a lot
of questions or when I think of a
lot of details, that is my anxiety. That
is me wanting to make sure that you
have all of the information you need or
could ever conceive of even if you don't
need it to make a a decision. And
part of that does come from the several
years where make a wrong step and your
bank account is, like, not at zero, but
it's, like, negative something. Right? Like, every decision
for a long time felt very
fraught. Like, if you make the wrong choice,
you have fucked things up.
And I didn't need those few years to
to think like this, but it just heightened
it. It
just turned it up to 11.
And so then we sat and we had
a conversation
about how, yes, my communication styles are a
little different than they once did were. And
also, this is what this means. Like,
I can't stop you from having that momentary
annoyance
because I get it. It's annoying,
but there's it's not because I'm oblivious. Like,
I'm hyperaware
to the extent that I'm hyperaware of how
you're reacting, and I'm hyperaware of all the
things that I can conceive of, which isn't
everything. It's just what I can conceive of.
That's a lot of pressure because I know
that I don't know things, and then I
worry that the thing I don't know is
the thing we need to know to make
the best, most efficient possible decision about fucking
something like ground beef and noodles. Like,
we are not I think we've we've scarred
some folks
from putting
beef and ground beef and noodles on their
grocery
store. Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it. It's fraud. It's I don't
know what it'll do to the state of
your relationship.
Now the thing I wanna ask you Okay.
Because we didn't really talk about it. You
did the thing I love about you, which
is when I know that you truly are
considering what I'm saying
and or you're understanding it a new a
new light. You get this look on your
face and you go,
And that's what you do. And your head
bobs and go, And I'm like, he got
it. That was a light bulb moment. Yeah.
Fucking love that shit.
When we were talking about checking in and
when we were talking about, hey, please understand
my communication. I'll work on it on my
end to be less of this, but also
this is what this means.
What are you thinking? What's going through your
mind? Where are you at with all that?
What have you gone through for us to
get to this point?
Oh, the journey.
Oh, where how did I get all well,
I know. Yeah.
It's it's been a it it's been
a bit of a tough
walk for me with that.
I know. As the one who watches you
get really annoyed,
I know.
You know, I don't know. It's
again, it's one of those things, you know,
I know that about you. Mhmm.
And,
you know, kinda like with with the meat,
I think things were just I was such
on a
straw that broke the camel's back
moment.
Mhmm.
Okay.
And, you know, at the same time, I
I realize
because of who you are and what you
do, and
it's important to take
care of you. I mean, yes. Yeah.
But I can't I can't, air quote this,
allow you to take care of me to
your detriment.
Can I do it in the other direction?
Of course, I can. That's what I do.
That's who I am. It's what I live
for. But I like, there's a and that's
another thing I've been contending with of Mhmm.
What
I deserve.
Right? Now you
you know
that I'm really bad at taking care of
myself. I mean, I
look. Nobody, air quote, needs a dom or
sub. Like, it's a thing you want and
you hopefully, maybe you need the person you
love, but, like, right right. We're we're
no.
I need somebody.
Well, yeah. Absolutely. Because care of me. Because
you do. Because You won't do it. No.
You won't. You you are the type of
person.
You will do everything in your power
for for the youngest, for the oldest. You
will bend over backwards for everybody
except yourself.
Mhmm.
I really need therapy because there's more it's
not just being a mom. It's not just
being submissive. There's some deep seated shit there.
Yeah. And and, you know,
yeah. I I see where I could have
jumped in more.
I mean, you can always see that in
retrospect.
So,
you know, that that's a lot of what
I've been
been noodling
on in all this. Mhmm. I mean, I
look forward to when
the noodles are cooked and you're ready to
serve, and tell me what you're noodling.
Did I did I do that that,
weird analogy justice? Okay. Good.
And I I I think,
you know, probably by this weekend, we'll we
can have,
some more of a talk and
Yeah. K.
Yeah. It's it's funny. When I think about
that side of myself as a submissive.
There is something
I really need a therapist, y'all. Look, for
anybody who's like, stop talking about it. Go
get a fucking therapist. Well, when I can
afford the fucking co pay or to to
pay the ones who don't take insurance, I
will. Okay? Mhmm.
There's nothing like thinking,
am I losing my fucking mind? Did I
forget how to function as a human that
might make you go, I could really use
a therapist. And if I could have one,
I would.
But
shit. I did that to myself. I just
derailed the train. The track went that way,
and I came back this way. I know.
Oh,
I'm back.
There is a part of me,
probably a
a not small part of me,
that and I think this is my baby
girl side. The it's not just the being
taken care of, and that is very subjective.
Like, I mean, different things to different people,
and it'll mean different things to me at
different times and different points.
But there's something about the feeling special.
Right? The feeling seen.
The
because this is very much from early, early
days. The,
and I don't mean this in a monogamous
way. I mean this in
a the chemistry is, like, explosive.
We only have eyes for me, only have
eyes for each other.
We're the center of each other's
in those moments. Sphere. Yeah. Right? And, you
know, reality being what it is, that's not
how you don't get to live your life
that way long term.
You know, there's jobs, there's children, there's
pets. There like, there's stuff that means you
have to, like, look outward and, like, go
be a responsible fucking adult
more often than not.
And
a little bit of what you know, the
thing when I think, okay, what am I
missing? It's not just turning my brain off.
It's not just being a silly goofy baby
girl. It you know, it's not just that
feeling of being taken care of. It is
Mhmm.
Feeling special in some way. And you
have always had this ability, and I I
don't think it's, like, a purposeful thing. I
think it's just who you are and how
you interact with people you care about and
just, you know, how you interact with me
specifically.
You have this ability to to make me
feel like I'm the only person in the
room, and I am all you can think
about. Now I'm a a grown ass adult
lady. I know that's not necessarily true. I
know what it is to be able to
focus your attention in the moment and still
have several tabs open at the back of
your brain. I know that but it's a
feeling. It's a vibe
more than me being worried that literally the
only thing on your mind is me because
that just sounds creepy. I'm not I'm not
sure.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
But
yeah. So, like, there's all these I think
part of it is I'm seeking feelings. I'm
seeking
moments,
And I don't I don't I won't know
until we're kind of trying it out again
how
how often I need that, want that, how
often you wanna do that. You know, what
will be enough to make me
to to refill the well, so to speak?
Mhmm.
Is it just a little bit?
Maybe. I mean,
maybe. I you know, sitting here talking about
it. So the the concept of masking
is a very
big thing when we're talking about neurodivergency.
And to a certain extent, I think this
probably is a part of that. But people
can mask for reasons that are not about
being neurodivergent.
Sometimes you have to present
a a form of yourself to the world
for safety, for this, for that, for whatever.
And I think,
And I
think part of
what I've
I've personally done over the past several years
when everything went wonky
is
the mask I have worn is
I will stay calm and I've got this
together
because
JB needs that. Because if I'm falling apart,
well, we're fucked.
Right? Because
not because you can't do anything. You are
more than capable. But I was watching you
almost come so close to crumbling under the
weight of it
because sadly, we were experiencing that a thing
that I had lived all of my childhood
in and the entirety
of my twenties
in that kind of
survival mode. Mhmm. And you had had very
little to no experience with it. And I
know. It, you know, it fucked with your
sense of self on top of everything else.
Right? True. And so I sort of just
put on the
I've got this
kind of face and the persona. And to
and part of it made me feel good.
It was control.
I was taking care of you. I was
being of service to you.
I was,
you know,
trying to
do what I could so you could navigate
this whole thing in a way
where you were gonna be stressed no matter
what, but you didn't have to take on
extra burdens.
And I don't think I know how
I think I'm just now getting the part
where I'm ready to
take that mask off. I'm ready to be
softer. I'm ready to
be
it feels weird to say more vulnerable because
we're pretty fucking vulnerable with one another in
private and clearly in public.
But there is a vulnerability in being taken
care of. There is a vulnerability
in Yeah. Allowing somebody to make some decisions
for you, even if they're small decisions. Right?
And I have always felt
a huge vulnerability
in
my baby girl side
because I'm not
immune or unaware
of how
without the perception of that from the outside.
Right? I also know that my children,
one of whom is technically an adult,
still a baby adult, but whatever,
have never seen a side of me like
that. And so it feels very strange that
even in,
non kinky, non, like,
adult way that they could come across seeing
me in that mode, just that relaxed and
that, you know, watching my Disney movies and,
you know, whatever whatever.
Because we would keep a lot of that,
behind closed doors where they couldn't see it.
But some things, you're just doing shit. And
I'm feeling like a baby girl. That's a
vulnerability that I don't think I don't think
my children have ever seen me that soft.
I'm not I'm not sure they wouldn't know
what to do with it. Who are you?
And
to be
aware of all that, to understand that Mhmm.
There's an entire part of your life that's
never seen you like that. I mean, the
last time my own family saw me like
that, I was a literal child. Right?
It's not quite the same.
And we I didn't feel like I had
the luxury of that. I didn't feel like
you had the luxury of that softness.
And now it's like I wanna
crack open the shield, take the mask off,
and just like and I don't even quite
know how to do it
anymore.
And I have this part of me that's
like, I just I just want JB to
do it, and I'll just follow. And yet,
because of, you know, blah blah blah, the
past, I keep saying it,
I am terrified of asking for too much
from you. The thing the thing that I
think about in all this, you know, when
when we
began this journey Mhmm.
You know, kind of embraced the the whole
daddy baby girl thing in a sense by
accident. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It
kind of grew,
what was the word, organically.
Mhmm.
Mhmm. And and now looking at trying to
get back back at it, like, you know,
how is this gonna be? Is it gonna,
you know, is it gonna be even mean?
Yeah. Is it gonna be as easy as
it was last time? Is it gonna be
you know, what
Right. What does it look like? Yeah. Mhmm.
Yep. Mhmm. Yep. Mhmm. Yep.
Yeah. I mean, I've I've noticed over the
past few years things that I gravitated
towards
in the early days of our relationship, in
the early days of, like, figuring out what
submission meant to me and all that. Like,
I love the good stuffed animal. Oh my
god. Give me a good teddy bear. Give
me a good if they were cute, if
they were sparkly, if God help you if
they were soft. Oh my god.
And
I am on the shelf there.
I I know. I have them I have
them here in my office around you know?
Because I was like, I don't want them
in the bedroom. They'll just gather dust, and
then that's the thing. I gotta move around.
But I don't when I and I'm like,
did I outgrow this, or am I just
so disconnected from that part of myself? When
I see
stuffed animals, I see stuffies, I see
squishmallows. Like, squishmallows should be up my fucking
alley, and I'm just
I'm
ambivalent.
Now I don't think I'm fully ambivalent because
I am desperate for the youngest who does
love a good squishmallow. Let's let's be real.
I like I'm I'm checking them because their
birthday's coming up and I'm like, you love
these two. You literally are using them as
pillows. They're in your bed every night. Would
you like some more? Because in my head,
I'm like, please give me a fucking excuse
to buy these things.
And that's kind of where I've
Okay. Gotten on on that side of myself.
The things that I did grab when you
ask you,
you'll
we're gonna do an episode next week about
our experience with the obedience app.
But spoiler,
one of my
I could turn my points in for a
prize kind of thing on the obedience app
is like to watch a Disney movie or
an animated movie or whatever whatever.
And
more recently, like, within the past six months,
six to nine months, you've been asking more
often, would you do you wanna watch a
a Disney movie? Do you wanna watch this?
And we even that was something we even
talked about
in in great depth,
couple weeks back.
You know, about go watching a lot of
these older Mhmm. Going back to a lot
of these older shows, a lot of, you
know, movies
and stuff that,
you know, kind of fall into all that.
And yet, in the moment when it's time
to think about it,
I'm a
I come across as apathetic. I know that.
I'm like, whatever. It's fine. Whatever.
But there's a part of me in my
head that's like,
is this okay?
Is this the right decision?
Will I still enjoy this? Like, I have
these and that's another thing. We have been
talking about
some of these things. And then because I'm
recognizing that
in a moment like this, the thing I'm
like, I want that. When I get to
the moment of having it, I'm like,
whatever. And that's
that's
new for me to be like, whatever. And
I can't help but wonder if it's I've
just
has it been so long
that
I've gone back to
I've almost regressed in my acceptance of my
own submission because,
accepting that I was a service sub, fucking
easy. Accepting I was a masochist, fucking easy.
Accepting I was a baby girl,
that took a hot minute.
And I accept it now.
I do accept it. I mean, I use
the label. I I
want to have those feelings,
but I don't know if it's that
the things that you the actual activities that
used to, like, let me have that moment
just are no longer right. Or if there's
something
mental, emotional,
some you know,
a vulner a a lack of willingness to
be vulnerable. I don't know that makes me
hesitate because I fuck I still to this
day like, if you told me that we
could go watch some Tangled,
I fucking love that movie. I love that
movie. I love that movie so much and
I don't know why.
Like, the idea of it,
super excited.
The opportunity to do it,
I don't know.
Is it the
this is a I think this is a
little bit of the conditioning from the past
several years. Is the air quote the right
choice?
99%
of the time, there's no fucking right or
wrong choice. There is just a choice and
then you, like,
go with it and, like, deal with it.
But I'm been very stuck in the
air quote right choice.
And
and I think there's a little bit
of
there's a part of me that kind of
wishes you would just take that choice away
and just decide.
Because
I think if I first of all, if
I really didn't want to,
I'm not
shy. I'm not afraid of speaking up.
If I feel if if I had the
moment and it still felt wrong, I would
say that I'd be like, there's something about
this that feels wrong. So maybe I've outgrown
this. Maybe there are other things I need
to seek out.
Right?
But I know this will sound off topic,
but I think this is my baby girl
side. There are things that I am drawn
to, like, in social media, like,
styles that people
wear and and colors that people wear and
and clothing and the way you know? And
I'll be drawn to it and think that
is so cool. That is so I you
know? And what I'll say is I wish
I could do that. And part of that's
a financial thing. Like, it costs money to
not have gray and white hair that you
don't wanna have.
And
being plus size, it is not easy to
find the cute clothes. Certainly not at a
thrift store. Certainly not when you live,
where a lot of the the, like, elderly
live and they don't dress that way necessarily.
So, like, I recognize that part of it,
I could go thrifting. Part of it's a
limitation that's just a financial limitation.
But then there's a part of me that
is drawn to it, but then immediately my
brain goes, that's not for me. Now I
don't know what for me is because I'm
I'm not happy,
like, with my current style, with my current
look, with like, I'm not.
But
when I start gravitating towards something that I'm
like, oh, I kinda like that. My brain
immediately goes, yeah. That's not for me. And
I can't I'm wondering there is a connection
here. I swear to God. First of all,
I think if I was more
in tune with my baby girl self, I
would dress differently. I think I would I
would I'm of an age and I'm not
having to be around, around like elementary school
moms anymore.
I'm of an age where there's a part
of me that really does not care except
that part of me also. There's a part
of me that hates to be perceived and
goddamn it, when you wear something that is
not the air quote mom uniform,
you get fucking perceived.
But I you know, is that that's not
for me feeling
the same thing that's stopping me from what
I classified for myself years ago as my
baby girl stuff. Does that make sense? Yeah.
Mhmm.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
So Yep.
But yeah. I get it because even when
we got when we
got married,
you know, you were very much in your,
Oh my god.
I love looking at those pictures. We were
grinning. Those are such big ass fucking smiles.
That was such a good day. But I
mean, the the dress you wore and everything,
that was all your Oh, god. I still
your your baby girl. Never wear. That thing
would barely fit on my left tit now.
But I that is one thing I that
I don't wanna get rid of. It's not
gonna be an heirloom. It was I think
it was an Amazon dress. I fucking love
that
thing. I fucking love that thing.
But yeah.
Yeah. I have my hair curled, and then
I was reminded that my hair only holds
a curl for about three point two seconds.
Yeah.
I have my makeup done, and then I
was reminded that, oh god, the moment you
get hot, it melts off my face. I
got that kind of skin. Didn't fucking care.
Didn't fucking care. I was wearing
my checks, my purple checks, and my purple
dress, and I had a silver gray
crinoline thing underneath. And I
was feeling myself. You were. You were. Oh
my god. You were.
Oh my god. You were.
So
Yeah.
Yeah. So that's kinda like Yeah. What
as you could tell, there's not
solutions. There's not a, here's what we're doing,
and this is
it's just a It's a process. It's a
process, and it's let me go back to
the title. It's uneven.
I'm at a space that JB is not
quite at yet. Mhmm. Part of that is
I think I shared new information today. Like,
some of that was stream of consciousness. I
had not said all of that before. So
the more I share, the more JB has
to think about. And then when he's thought,
he will share with me, and then I
will think, and
we'll go from there. But it's it is
uneven. I'm at a point where I'm articulating
clearly.
Mhmm. This is what I miss, and this
is what I think I want, and this
is what I'm afraid of wanting, and that,
you know, all of that.
And he's not there yet.
And then nonlinear, if you had said six
months ago that that this was gonna be
a point where you were gonna be like,
y'all and I this is not exaggeration. It
was laying in bed
crying.
Not like
racked with sobs but, like, just
feeling very vulnerable,
worried,
finally saying the thing. I didn't email it.
I just used my words. That's
that's uncomfortable.
And and it's,
you know,
and then, like, Debbie said, it's a process.
We don't I don't have any answers, but
this is I cannot believe that this is
somehow unique to us. This is relationships one
zero one and just add some power exchange
on top. And the power exchange,
I think, can both help and complicate help
because if you're both
confident in your in each other
and you have the communication skills, you can
just say the fucking thing. Mhmm. But complicated
because
this isn't about negotiating who's gonna wash dishes.
This is about negotiating.
Hey. To my Dom, could you, like, take
on this extra responsibility
and like, you know, just decide things for
me and be my brain everyone. That's a
big fucking responsibility.
Right? Or to a sub, hey, can you
be like your most fucking vulnerable for me?
Out of nowhere with very little warning, it
might just happen because I'm gonna want you
to turn your brain off or I'm gonna
Alakazam.
Right. Like, those that
that can make it so much better when
it works, when it's with the right person,
when you are kind of in the at
the same point to some extent. But it's
a complication. That's an added layer of trying
to navigate,
you know, relationships like this. Mhmm.
So
I could keep talking, but I don't think
I have anything new to say. Is there
anything
that you're thinking about that you
No. No. No. On your mind? Mm-mm. Any
hints you wanna drop so that all of
them will probably get it before I do?
Because sometimes I am fucking clueless.
No. You need to goddamn it.
So so no decisions.
I mean, I know it'll you won't just
spring anything on me. There'll be a conversation.
Unless it's something we've already talked about. Okay.
This will come up next week because if
I don't fucking say it, then I'll be
mad. But I'm a say it now.
Our using trying out the obedience app, it
was one of those things we had talked
about it weeks and weeks before and then
never followed up. And then JB went, yeah.
We'll do this. And he just set it
up, and I got a link texted to
me. And I was like,
I'm so glad we had this conversation
already. We did have the conversation. We talked
about doing it several times, actually. Oh, it's
never been Not just one. We'd and we
yeah. That's a great idea. We should do
it. Yeah. It's a great idea. And I
was like, fuck it. I'm gonna do it.
And I fucking and and I was
I was amused by it because typically we
talk about a thing and then five minutes
later we do it.
And I did have that, like,
content creator moment of, well, I'm glad our
communication skills are good because I would not
advise anybody else to do that.
But then I was like
and then
then then the submissive part of me went,
oh, he just fucking decided and he just
did it.
And, a little sexy.
But we will talk more about that next
week. So
Yeah.
Yeah. I guess I guess that's plenty. Okay.
We could do a bonus section. Okay. Mhmm.
So,
are we good? I don't fucking
know. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see
you next week.
Toddy. Yes, baby. Can we talk to the
crickets about anything other than my deepest, darkest
thoughts and vulnerabilities and all my concerns and
crying into my pillow? Anything anything other than
that. Can we talk to anything else? Yes.
Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes.
Can I tell you that I don't think
there's any level of,
drugs that will keep Ella from being spicy
at the vet? Yeah. No. No.
I I you know, when you I saw
the text.
I did take Ella back to the vet
today.
And all I thought was,
you know, yeah.
You know, I've I've been I I remember
as young, you know, I've been stoned. I've
been hot drunk.
And there's that one thing, man, that just
snap you right out of it.
And I've and that, you know And Ellis
is being at the fucking vet. Yeah.
So couple weeks ago, and we I'm sure
we talked about it the last episode prior
to this because we had the week off.
Took her to the vet, needed to do
blood work,
and checking her out for, like, the pee
thing, whatever. And they could not get the
blood. It would have stressed her out. They're
like, okay. Come back. Well, we tried to
come back in a week. Couldn't do that
because that was the day the kid was
moving. So we rescheduled it,
took her today. And they had called and
said, okay. Look.
Give her the sedative give her the gabapentin
at night, and then give her another dose
at the right time in the morning. And
I and I had thought it was strange
when they told us to only give it
to her in the morning previously. Yeah. But
it was a different,
type. Different doctrine and different type of Right.
So it was like, okay. Maybe this is
stronger. Maybe there's more. I don't fucking know.
So we do, and she is
high as a goddamn kite. This morning, she's
like she can't walk straight. She's like, listing
to the side.
Pick her up, and she's just, like, almost
boneless. She's just so relaxed.
I get her into the carrier. No problem.
Get her into the car. No problem. And
that was how it was different from last
time. Because last time, the moment she was
in the car, she started meowing and I
had to keep my,
fingers kinda, like, in the open part so
she could rub up against it and know
she wasn't alone.
Nope. Quiet. We get to the vet.
The moment we walk through the door,
she starts meowing, and she has,
I love her so much, a slightly grating
meow. Like, the first couple times you're like,
okay. There's Ella. And by the fifth, you're
like, oh my god. I need you shut
up. So I'm doing the it's okay. It's
okay. Boom. They're all checking. Did you give
her the gab? I gave her the gab.
I promise she's stone. Last night and this
morning. Right. Now last time at the vet,
when we were in the exam room and
I took her out of the carrier, she
let me cuddle her and she just leaned
into me and she was like, I don't
like all this but you're here. It's fine.
This time,
clearly she was like, bitch, I don't fucking
trust you. You brought me the fuck back.
I am holding her. She is no longer
acting high. She is trying to climb over
my shoulder. She's trying to get back in
the fucking carrier. She don't wanna run away.
She wants to not be right here. Mhmm.
And I'm like, you are more
active than you were last time. Right. I'm
like, okay. This is gonna be fun.
They did manage to do all the blood
draws they needed to do.
I think it's because there wasn't a lot
of poking and prodding. They went from, let
me just do our basic stuff we have
to do, get her back there. I'm sitting
there. I'm reading my book, and I just
hear,
and I'm like,
whoosh. Shit. Okay. You should sit the fan.
Okay.
But yeah. So she
has not talked to me for the rest
of the fucking day. I have not seen
Ella no damn more. Normally, she is underfoot.
Normally, she's like, hey. Well Don't forget I
exist. You might forget to feed me even
though you've never done that in five fucking
years. I hadn't seen much of Onyx today
either. I think Onyx was like, I saw
what happened to her. I ain't
I know. Make myself scarce. I know. And
see, the day we go, okay, we you
know, thankfully Onyx, knock on wood, has been
healthy. She's eating fine. She's doing so, like,
yeah. She still needs her wellness checks. And
cats don't typically get those as often
as they should, and sometimes things get missed.
But, you know,
she she can go a little bit longer
if she needs to. Because when we do
her, they'll have to do twilight sedation. They
will have to knock her the fuck out,
and we get one chance to get her
in the carrier. Mhmm. And if we don't
get it right and grab her and get
her in, we will not see her for
eight to twelve hours. Yep. She will go
into deep hiding. Mhmm. So
yeah.
I'm like, Ella is the easy one, but
Ella will eat your face. Like, she just
The the the funniest thing I thought about
all that when you got her in the
carrier and, you know, went took her to
the front door and, you know,
Lola was very concerned about what was happening.
To follow me out the front door while
I was taking Ella to the car. I
was like and I texted JB. I'm like,
Lola seems very worried. Mhmm. I was like,
go check on your girl.
But
Yep. Yeah. So that was our adventure today.
Yeah. The oldest is home. Mhmm. He's had
he's he
took two classes,
some general ed classes that he need he'll
need for graduation, which he's just going to
be a junior this coming fall. But, like,
he's trying to get all that general ed
stuff out of the way.
And so even though he lives here,
he takes our one car
back and forth to and from the campus.
And a half one way. No. No? Hour?
Yeah. It's like an hour.
Depending on the type of day, depending on
traffic. Traffic. Yeah. And every time he leaves,
you know
when he started driving when he was in
high school, I every time he left, he'd
go, I love you. Be safe. Right?
So now I I'm back into doing that
and he rolls with it. But now I've
added
drive like you have to pay for the
ticket because you do. And he goes, okay.
Knock on wood. He's got the rest of
this week and then next week, and then
the because it's a summer session, they're it's
really short. Mhmm. And so he'll be home
for about a week with no classes. So
Yeah. I'm sure he'll go places and wanna
use the car, but we will have more
access to the car again.
And next, next week, there's a day where
we need the car, and I I did
not want to and
was just not going to reschedule and and
upend our,
like, our routine for some appointments. And I
said, your mommy will be driving you to
school next Monday.
I was like, and your mommy will be
picking you up.
I was like, actually, what I'm gonna try
and do is bat my eyelashes and convince
mister John to go with me to pick
you up so I don't have to drive
in rush hour traffic in a college town.
That's when the kid went, I think I'll
try and get a ride home. And then
there is a part of me that's like,
you could have been trying to get rides
home. He couldn't get a ride there though.
So, I mean, I get it. So yeah.
But it has been it's been strange having
him home, but it's been nice. Yeah. But
I think
all of us, including him, this is not
me dogging on him, all of us are
very used to him having his own space,
and I think
he is the most ready to be back
in his own space. Yeah.
And I will miss him. I always miss
him. Like, our whole
routine of life is completely different. Right now.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
But Mhmm. Yeah. No. It I and, you
know, I understand that because once once you
have that taste of having your own place
and,
you know, it's it's it's tough. And he
really hates not having control of the thermostat.
I mean, look, I also hate not having
control of the thermostat. But as the one
who pays the bills,
I understand. Right.
Yep.
Yep. I just there will come a day
I'm gonna want it on the record that
I survived perimenopause
in a not cold house.
Okay?
Just
Hey. The last four days, the AC has
been struggling to keep up. I know. I
know. Oh, man.
But but, you know, Julie
or had asked early on, you know, about
doing stuff to help distress. And and I
have been doing some stuff, you know. Together,
we do, we we have gotten,
doing thrifting.
Mhmm.
You like to go to the antique stores?
Me. Between thrifting and, you know, going to
some of the antique stores. We're even considering
making a day trip because the Internet influenced
us
to, an antique store in Jacksonville and a
bakery in Jacksonville.
Mhmm. Not anytime soon, but And there's,
there's supposed to be a big place
antique place up in, Micanopy.
Yeah. That would make sense with Mecanope. Mhmm.
So
Yeah. I I go for the vibes.
That's all I really go for. So, you
know, we yeah. We've been, you know, we
we do that. And,
you know, I've I've been
playing Terraria.
Yes. A lot of Terraria. Yeah. I've Every
time JB mentions that he's played Terraria or
he was playing Terraria, the youngest goes, oh,
like, it's so exciting to hear. A child
does not play Terraria anymore, but
they they like hearing about it, I guess.
You know, I've been doing that. And,
right now, it's too stinking hot to to
ride the K and M or go, you
know. No. Nobody's nobody's doing that shit. So,
you know, that that's gonna be once the
weather breaks
kinda thing.
Yeah.
I I know we're not anywhere near the
weather shift, the temperature shift. We still have
to get through August, which
oh, August in Florida is fucking misery.
But, yeah, I'm I'm looking forward to I'm
looking forward to you getting back on the
Can Am. I'm looking forward to another shot
of trying to be on the Can Am
and not crying and screaming.
I'm
looking forward
to, not
the only reason I'm sweating is a hot
flash,
not because I live in Florida.
So
yeah. It's,
Yeah. And and mister Spock, you know, said
about watch out around Micanopy.
That that's why we take the back roads.
Yeah.
That's why we take the back roads.
Yeah. My,
this been ages, but every time I we'd
I think about how I will, to the
extent that I can, only take a back
road, especially if I'm driving. I'm not getting
on the interstate. Not I 75 here in
fucking Florida. Kiss my ass with that. Not
driving anyway.
I think about the time I was trying
to explain to my aunt
that, yeah, it'll take us, like, twenty minutes
longer to get somewhere, but we're we're taking
the back road. And my mom is who
I kinda got it from, but she got
over a lot of her driving anxiety when
she had to travel for work because she
learned Mhmm. There were certain times she did
not have a choice. She had to be
there at a certain point, quickest way, get
on jump on this highway, jump on but
she learned the back ways
through Louisiana, Mississippi, and I think part of,
like, South Alabama.
And,
so I got that from her. Like, you
can go anywhere if you're willing to get
there, you know, or go a little slower
to avoid the insanity. And we were trying
to explain it to my aunt one day,
and there are a lot of things you
could look at me like I'm crazy for.
Like, you look, I'm into BDSM. I understand
if a vanilla person looks at me like
I have grown up, you know, some extra
heads. Okay?
But she looked at me like I like,
she did not know what planet I was
from when I was like, oh, yeah. To
get to Gainesville, we take 441.
Mhmm. It used to be a big highway.
It used to be the way people got
to Gainesville. Now we got the interstate. Yeah.
So we take 449 because ain't no fucking
body on it. You know?
And it was it's so funny. Every time
I think even the term back road,
the her face pops into my brain of
looking at me like,
who are you? What? Like, oh. And I
always wanna go, your sister's the one that
raised me, so blame her.
Yeah.
And, you know, I
I I look as we make the drive
because I I actually enjoy that drive especially
Oh, yeah. You know, around 04:41.
But,
I'm seeing more and more,
you know, this this is played where there's
there's farms out there, there's, you know, houses
with actual land out there.
Still dirt, lime lime lime rock roads even.
But, you know, a lot of open land
and and stuff, but there are now more
and more for sale signs Mhmm. Popping up
on a lot of that land. So Yeah.
The probably the only
comforting thing is when we're taking 441 from
where we live in the Gainesville,
to I'll I'm sure you kinda see it
from the interstate too, but you're driving in
the middle through Paynes Prairie Yeah. Which is
a wetland and,
like, a state park and, like and then
there's other,
parks that University
of Florida, like, has
for research purposes or whatever. And so there's
this
not
as big as anyone would like swath of
land that will,
hopefully, knock on wood, never get fucking touched.
But, yeah, I can already see where some
new bits of development
have the opportunity to creep because there's a
lot of big parcels of land for sale.
I told JB,
the other day because we got things up
in the air for our life, like, in
a couple year within the next couple years,
will we be moving out of state? We
don't know.
Will will interest rates ever change, and will
we one day downsize? We don't know. Yeah.
I told JB, I was like, you know
what? Here's what I wanna fucking do. And
this and this is strange coming from me
because I had very strong opinions otherwise. I
was like, the day we move, whether it's
out of state or we just whatever. I
was like, I just wanna buy,
sell this house,
buy some quarter to one acre
plot of
land, buy a fucking mobile home, slap it
in the middle, and say the to hell
with everybody else's, put me in the middle
of fucking nowhere with my own little plot
of land. I was like, I'm I'm
just and I used to be very anti
I don't wanna live in a mobile home
because I grew up in one and it
was a tin fucking can and I didn't
like it. But these days, I'm like, I
just don't fucking care anymore. Just give me
one that's only supposed to last, like, twenty
years
when I'm, like, 50. It'll be fine. You
know, you know, I,
come find out there are some towns in
Italy
that are giving you incentive to come there
and live because they they wanna. They need
people. They need people, you know. And you
just have
to commit to living there. Mhmm. And you
know, I I can get You can get
Italian citizenship. Yeah. In a heart in a
heartbeat I could, you know. Or even German.
Mhmm. So, you know.
I don't know. I'm just I think I'm
at that point in my life. I was
like, I just
I just wanna
go be not in the woods. I I
didn't live that life. There's,
but just somewhere and just have my own
peace and
and maybe a road that runs past me,
and that's, like, that's it. That's fucking it.
But
Oh. Yeah. Alright. I think that's enough. Yeah.
Yep.
Y'all know me. I can keep going, but
I I stopped having anything of substance to
say a while back.
So
I guess
There you go. We will finish up for
the stream and recording,
and we will talk to y'all next week.
Mhmm. Okay. Alright.
Bye. Bye.