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You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four

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forty eight. Kayla Lords here with the one,

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the only, probably the only human alive who

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would let me say, hey. We had this

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thing happen over the weekend. Can that be

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content for this coming week? John Brownstone.

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That'd be me. Thank god you're indulgent.

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This week, we are talking about something that

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we are currently and,

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like, literally within the past seventy two hours

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have experienced.

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So consider this ripped from the pages of

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our life kinda thing. And that's how we're

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each experiencing our return to our DSLs

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in a very uneven, nonlinear,

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we want the same things, but we're not

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at the same level quite yet way. Fits

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and starts. Fits and starts.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this

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is your first time listening, glad to have

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you. If you're back for another week, welcome

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back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for

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your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes

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are found at lovingbdsm.net.

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Come back often and feel free to add

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the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You

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can also follow the show on FetLife at

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loving BDSM PC

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on Instagram and technically threads at that handle

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I will forever fucking hate. That's loving d

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s and the number one, so at loving

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d s one. On blue sky at lovingbdsm.

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Blah blah blah. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm

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where you can watch us live stream the

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podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

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show notes. Big thanks as always to our

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kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest

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peeps.

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We are able to keep being weirdos on

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the Internet coming up on ten years

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in large part because of our kinky patrons,

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and we are fucking grateful for every fucking

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one of you. If you would like to

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join our kinky community and get access to

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extra content and the Discord server where every

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time you hear us say, oh, we'll post

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that in Discord. Oh, that happened to Discord.

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That's what we're talking about. You could do

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that. Just join us at patreon.com/kaylalords.

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That's patreon.com/kaylalords

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or use the link in the show notes.

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Okay.

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I don't really have any announcements,

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like,

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special announcements.

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I meant to add something new to our

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Etsy shop and just haven't

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yet. We're still doing we're back to doing

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restocks at the kinkerythekinkery.com.

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So there are things there. There are some,

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like, really cool new wooden knives that JB,

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introduced

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recently,

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and I've got plenty of wax play candles.

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So if wax play is like your jam,

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we got you.

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But everything else is basically an arysta. Yeah.

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Right now,

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it's a good problem to have. But,

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I do think the day JB finally retires,

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it won't be because he wants to no

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longer work at all. It'll be so he

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can get away from the concept of restocking

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anything.

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Pretty sure Hans is You know what? I

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I I you know, with

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a lot of stuff I've been doing,

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I am getting very close to being able

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to put AAC

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in the tiny shop. That is true. That

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is true.

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Yep. Just need a a few more things

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to

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Fall in line. Tweak in there and and

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fall in line and, yep, be able to

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get a AC. So then I can work

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in there and not Right. Melt. I don't

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remember anymore. Do those window rattlers, do they

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also have a heating component where you can

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switch it and it'll blow warm air? I

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don't care about the cold.

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You say that now while you're hot. I

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know how you are in the cold. Well

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Anyway,

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thecancery.com.

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I can put on more clothes.

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I can only take off so much. Right.

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But the

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the

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conversations

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we have when you're super cold are not

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unlike the conversations we have when you're really

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hot. It's all I'm saying in the most

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diplomatic

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submissive

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way, lacking, possible, which

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does in its own way lead us into

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this week's topic.

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I used to feel very weird about planning

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these kinds of topics even though I was

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like, yay. Content ideas that are easy. Because

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I'm like, who the hell wants to listen

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to, like, the ins and outs of our

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specific relationship that may have no bearing on

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your kink life? And then I had plenty

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of people go, no. No. No. We're all

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nosy bitches around here. Please do those episodes.

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But

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the thing I wanna say that I hope,

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at least some of you can take away

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from this, is while the specific details might

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not pertain to you, you might not be

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the kind of submissive that I am, you

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might not be the kind of dumb that

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JB is, you might not be at a

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similar stage of a power exchange, whatever whatever.

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It's just a reminder because I needed it.

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So I'm assuming others need it. That kind

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of where we're at with one another in

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the conversation

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we had over the weekend, which is just

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one of a few, and there's still more

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to come,

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is very normal. I don't care how long

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you've been together. Some of this stuff, you

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know, still crops

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up. So,

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yeah, so that's, like, the thing if you,

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you know, either you get to be a

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nosy bitch today or maybe it helps you

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now or in the future.

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But this is absolutely,

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like, just a slice of our life,

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that we are literally still working through

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as we speak.

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Because who wants to wait until there's a

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resolution to talk about something?

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So I'm not quite sure where to begin

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with this because it looked like it was

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it started with an argument that was not

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an argument at all. Like, we were both

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annoyed with one another. But that for me

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wasn't really where it started. But for you,

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was that where this particular moment started for

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you? Yeah. I mean,

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yes and no.

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I think some of it for me had

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been kinda simmering

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Sure. Under the surface for a little bit.

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Mhmm.

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So I'll take you on my journey and

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you interject when Okay. When the stars align

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and all that good stuff. So for the

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past several

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weeks, I got a lot on my mind.

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I pretty much always do. There's always tabs

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open in in my brain.

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And some of them had been kind of

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going down a

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not exactly positive thing. I've I've had moments

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where I'm thinking, am I is am I

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is this depression? Like, is

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I don't know. I'm not a I'm not

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a

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professional to diagnose that. Is this perimenopause? It's

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always perimenopause because I'm in it. But how

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much of it is

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the the impact of perimenopause and how much

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of it is something else? Is it low

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dopamine and executive dysfunction, which can be perimenopause

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and it can be neurodivergency?

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I mean, it's sort of a I don't

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know. Pick your fucking player. I don't have

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a clue what is causing Mhmm. A lot

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of the downturn of my mood and the

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lack of motivation and some weepiness and just

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some, like,

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apathy and ennui all at the same time.

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And I don't like feeling like that.

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But

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experience tells me that, you know, that is

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usually a time I'll start dwelling on

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things that are not great in other aspects

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of life. Now for the past several years,

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I've been very financial health, kids, blah blah

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blah. And, you know, like, with kids and

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health stuff, that's still kinda there.

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With you know, we've entered new and interesting

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levels.

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And

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we haven't beat,

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the the baddie on this level yet, but

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it's fine.

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So in all of that introspection, because what

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else was I gonna do? And I had

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no energy to do anything else.

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I started

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thinking a lot about

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not our power exchange specifically, but Mhmm. Myself

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as a submissive, like, the things that I

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need. And I think part of that is

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when I'm in those kinds of head spaces,

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I my brain does start, like, reaching out

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for what could help, what could make me

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feel better, what I don't you know, I'm

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past the point of thinking, oh, if I

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do these three simple steps, it'll fix everything.

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Like, I don't go there anymore. But I

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start trying to look around at my life

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like is there something external that's making me

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feel this way and what can I adjust?

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What can I do to help myself?

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And one of the things I kept coming

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back to

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was

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not not wanting to think at all, quite

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frankly.

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That very stereotypical thing that I know

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other submissives will probably relate to to some

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degree of just turning off your fucking brain

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and letting somebody else

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just take the fucking wheel. I don't care

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if it's Jesus or JB, but somebody take

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the goddamn wheel.

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And you know, we've talked about it over

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the past several months. Like, I like to

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follow like a little duckling and I like

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and those are in the happy fun moments

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where I'm like, oh, look. I'm getting this

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opportunity.

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But this was kind of bigger than that.

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This was I need

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not all the time. Our I'm not wired

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that way and our life does not work

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that way for an all the time shutting

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my brain off but like I need

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specific moments in time

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where I don't have to

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think about what the consequences

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might be. Come up with 85 possible solutions

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and think about the fallout from those things

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so that we have some backup plans. Because

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that's how my brain works. Is that what

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you're supposed to do? Probably not. But that

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that's how my brain works because I do

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know I have anxiety.

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So yay.

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And, you know, it's just sort of this

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mental exhaustion.

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And I'm like Mhmm. I

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I I kinda know

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what I would like to

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again, not fix it, not, you know, make

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it go away, but, like,

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a relief of sorts. And the moment I

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let myself start thinking about that, because it

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had it's been a very long time since

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Mhmm. Kayla just shut her brain off or

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anything.

270
00:09:41,264 --> 00:09:42,705
You know, I was thinking about how I

271
00:09:42,705 --> 00:09:44,485
missed it and how much, you know, that

272
00:09:45,024 --> 00:09:47,985
the idea of it, which is never the

273
00:09:47,985 --> 00:09:49,285
same thing as the actual

274
00:09:50,144 --> 00:09:52,970
experience of it, sounds great. And so then

275
00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:54,330
once my brain went down that path, I

276
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:55,769
was like, oh, well, what else am I

277
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:58,009
missing? And I've the other part, the thing

278
00:09:58,009 --> 00:09:59,210
is one that you and I have talked

279
00:09:59,210 --> 00:10:00,970
about a lot is that I don't get

280
00:10:00,970 --> 00:10:01,549
to be

281
00:10:02,009 --> 00:10:04,615
in my baby girl headspace very often. No.

282
00:10:04,615 --> 00:10:07,414
I mean, unless it's the pouting, crying, whining

283
00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:07,914
side.

284
00:10:08,294 --> 00:10:09,754
The expressing displeasure

285
00:10:10,134 --> 00:10:13,095
in a safe way space with a person

286
00:10:13,095 --> 00:10:14,315
who lets me be

287
00:10:14,774 --> 00:10:16,855
myself in whatever form that's gonna come out

288
00:10:16,855 --> 00:10:19,470
in. Because when I'm upset like that and

289
00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:21,549
it's in private and it's just me and

290
00:10:21,549 --> 00:10:23,950
JB, I'm not like I'm not dropping f

291
00:10:23,950 --> 00:10:25,950
bombs. I'm not yelling. I'm not cussing. That's

292
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:27,549
what I do when other people can see

293
00:10:27,549 --> 00:10:28,049
me.

294
00:10:28,509 --> 00:10:31,070
I was like and it's very much a

295
00:10:31,070 --> 00:10:31,649
a whiny

296
00:10:32,205 --> 00:10:32,945
kinda thing.

297
00:10:33,804 --> 00:10:35,325
And I was like, I would like the

298
00:10:35,325 --> 00:10:37,245
more positive side of that. I'd like to

299
00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:39,565
just have these moments where and it wasn't

300
00:10:39,565 --> 00:10:41,565
that air quote, I wanna be a baby

301
00:10:41,565 --> 00:10:43,485
girl. It was I want my dom to

302
00:10:43,485 --> 00:10:44,465
be a daddy

303
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,769
dom. Like, I want the daddy to come

304
00:10:46,769 --> 00:10:50,370
back into the daddy dom situation. Right? You

305
00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:50,870
know,

306
00:10:51,410 --> 00:10:53,429
not just a title, not just a label.

307
00:10:54,450 --> 00:10:56,290
So all of that's in my head and

308
00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:57,190
has been, like,

309
00:10:58,210 --> 00:11:00,945
simmering and bubbling and, like Mhmm. Right?

310
00:11:02,144 --> 00:11:03,745
And then And I was simmering in a

311
00:11:03,745 --> 00:11:06,065
different way. Right. And I want to get

312
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:07,664
to that. But let me say this and

313
00:11:07,664 --> 00:11:09,105
then please let us get to that. Yep.

314
00:11:09,105 --> 00:11:10,164
So here's what

315
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:12,465
made me finally have to say it all

316
00:11:12,465 --> 00:11:13,985
out loud where he could hear me and

317
00:11:13,985 --> 00:11:15,424
not just in my head where it's just

318
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:16,529
me, myself, and I.

319
00:11:17,490 --> 00:11:18,950
We're driving down the road

320
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:19,990
and we're

321
00:11:20,769 --> 00:11:21,830
doing the dreaded

322
00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:24,290
what are we gonna eat this week so

323
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:26,850
we know what groceries to buy game. I

324
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:27,990
hate it. I

325
00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:30,450
We both hate it. We're passionate. Oh my

326
00:11:30,450 --> 00:11:30,950
god.

327
00:11:33,674 --> 00:11:35,774
I just if I could ever be financially

328
00:11:35,834 --> 00:11:37,754
comfortable enough to not have to think about

329
00:11:37,754 --> 00:11:39,534
that again, I will take it.

330
00:11:41,194 --> 00:11:42,714
So we're going back and forth on, like,

331
00:11:42,714 --> 00:11:44,440
dinner ideas because now we're feeding for an

332
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,279
extra person because the kid's home for a

333
00:11:46,279 --> 00:11:46,940
couple weeks.

334
00:11:47,399 --> 00:11:49,980
And JB throws out a suggestion

335
00:11:50,519 --> 00:11:52,919
and I do what I do. I think

336
00:11:52,919 --> 00:11:54,220
of all of the outcomes

337
00:11:54,919 --> 00:11:57,079
so that JB can make the most informed

338
00:11:57,079 --> 00:11:59,065
decision. Is this what he really wants to

339
00:11:59,065 --> 00:12:00,985
do? Well then he gets annoyed because it

340
00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:03,384
does not sound like somebody's being a good

341
00:12:03,384 --> 00:12:06,424
specimen going, yes daddy. It's somebody going, here

342
00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:08,024
let me tell you why you're wrong. And

343
00:12:08,024 --> 00:12:09,324
so he got impatient

344
00:12:09,704 --> 00:12:11,799
and said, fine whatever. And it is never

345
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:14,200
fine when they say fine. Whatever. In case

346
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:14,860
you wondered.

347
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,120
And then my feelings got hurt. It's real

348
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,600
that part of my baby girl's self is

349
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,379
very close to the front.

350
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,985
Hurt feelings. Oh my god. I I was,

351
00:12:24,985 --> 00:12:25,705
like, so

352
00:12:27,225 --> 00:12:29,304
and so then we did not talk to

353
00:12:29,304 --> 00:12:32,665
one another for, like I mean, in a

354
00:12:32,665 --> 00:12:35,225
loving way. Like, we existed because we went

355
00:12:35,225 --> 00:12:37,225
to the grocery store together, but we didn't,

356
00:12:37,225 --> 00:12:40,149
like, talk and make nice with one another

357
00:12:40,690 --> 00:12:43,809
for six hours. It was Yeah. Probably. So

358
00:12:43,809 --> 00:12:45,809
that's the catalyst for how we got to

359
00:12:45,809 --> 00:12:47,250
the part where I shared what was on

360
00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:49,649
my mind. Now while I've been simmering, you've

361
00:12:49,649 --> 00:12:51,674
been simmering. Well, yeah. She she had all

362
00:12:51,674 --> 00:12:53,914
that simmering going on, and and I had

363
00:12:53,914 --> 00:12:54,414
been,

364
00:12:55,914 --> 00:12:58,254
in my own way, in my own head.

365
00:12:58,634 --> 00:12:59,134
Mhmm.

366
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:02,235
You know, we I'm not gonna go into

367
00:13:02,235 --> 00:13:03,674
a whole lot of detail about it, but

368
00:13:03,674 --> 00:13:04,495
y'all remember,

369
00:13:05,070 --> 00:13:06,050
last year.

370
00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:08,990
And the previous years. And and previous years.

371
00:13:08,990 --> 00:13:10,910
But last year was was the worst for

372
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:14,029
me. I I hit bottom. Mhmm. And,

373
00:13:15,389 --> 00:13:16,990
you know, it was it was it was

374
00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:17,889
a bad bad

375
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:19,654
space for

376
00:13:19,955 --> 00:13:20,455
me.

377
00:13:22,115 --> 00:13:24,855
You know, now let's come into this summer

378
00:13:26,034 --> 00:13:27,575
when all this took place.

379
00:13:28,514 --> 00:13:29,014
And

380
00:13:30,355 --> 00:13:32,615
now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells

381
00:13:33,299 --> 00:13:34,740
because I'm waiting for the bottom to drop

382
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,660
out. Right. Because you're thinking about last summer

383
00:13:36,660 --> 00:13:38,660
and doing the comparison to this summer and

384
00:13:38,660 --> 00:13:41,139
it's a it's an immediate bad tape because

385
00:13:41,139 --> 00:13:43,700
it's just a year ago. Yep. It's it's

386
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:46,084
too fresh. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep.

387
00:13:49,345 --> 00:13:49,845
So

388
00:13:50,544 --> 00:13:51,044
that,

389
00:13:53,105 --> 00:13:55,284
had kind of been sitting in there and

390
00:13:55,745 --> 00:13:58,245
rolling around and didn't help make my

391
00:14:00,309 --> 00:14:01,610
mood any more joyous.

392
00:14:02,149 --> 00:14:03,769
No. It doesn't help with your,

393
00:14:04,389 --> 00:14:06,710
patience, I've learned. No. Or that. We were

394
00:14:06,710 --> 00:14:08,870
just talking about that today. Yeah. He was

395
00:14:08,870 --> 00:14:11,085
joking about not being patient and I went,

396
00:14:11,404 --> 00:14:14,045
who are you? Right. Because Well, I I

397
00:14:14,045 --> 00:14:16,285
was that's where I learned that dreaded p

398
00:14:16,285 --> 00:14:18,445
word to begin with. I I have always

399
00:14:18,445 --> 00:14:20,304
been a very patient person,

400
00:14:21,165 --> 00:14:23,425
and recently I have been

401
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,250
embarking on playing with something on on the

402
00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:29,070
scroll saw.

403
00:14:31,289 --> 00:14:33,370
And the first few times I I did

404
00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:35,230
this particular thing it turned out,

405
00:14:36,294 --> 00:14:37,115
pretty rough.

406
00:14:38,215 --> 00:14:39,595
It was not fit for,

407
00:14:41,095 --> 00:14:43,975
public consumption. Pretty pretty, it it it went

408
00:14:43,975 --> 00:14:45,035
to the burn pile.

409
00:14:47,335 --> 00:14:48,154
But anyway,

410
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,200
after getting some different blades that I needed

411
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,279
to do this particular thing, found out using

412
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:57,899
the wrong blades, which didn't help.

413
00:15:00,519 --> 00:15:02,379
But I had to slow way

414
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:03,660
way down,

415
00:15:04,125 --> 00:15:04,625
Slow

416
00:15:05,085 --> 00:15:07,004
cuts. That's not a metaphor for life. I

417
00:15:07,004 --> 00:15:08,785
don't know what is. Yeah. I know. Right?

418
00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:09,504
I know.

419
00:15:09,965 --> 00:15:11,965
Have the knowledge, have the right tools, and

420
00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:14,625
slow the fuck down. Goddamn it. Yeah.

421
00:15:15,085 --> 00:15:16,065
So, you know,

422
00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:20,450
but it it's been hard for me to

423
00:15:20,450 --> 00:15:20,950
focus.

424
00:15:21,330 --> 00:15:22,929
Yeah. I've noticed that for sure. And that,

425
00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,009
you know, I I have been struggling to

426
00:15:25,009 --> 00:15:25,509
focus.

427
00:15:26,289 --> 00:15:26,789
And,

428
00:15:28,210 --> 00:15:30,610
you know, yeah. The it it all came

429
00:15:30,610 --> 00:15:31,190
to head

430
00:15:32,129 --> 00:15:32,629
over

431
00:15:33,215 --> 00:15:35,134
the grocery list. Over the dinner that we

432
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:37,475
literally ate just tonight Yep. Before we started

433
00:15:37,615 --> 00:15:38,835
recording and streaming.

434
00:15:39,535 --> 00:15:41,774
Yeah. You're right. Because You're right. I am

435
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,014
I am nothing if not gonna try and

436
00:15:44,014 --> 00:15:45,875
make sure JB gets what he wants.

437
00:15:46,259 --> 00:15:48,179
And and that was, you know, when we

438
00:15:48,179 --> 00:15:50,179
ended up finally talking, it was but, again,

439
00:15:50,179 --> 00:15:52,340
it was multiple conversations. The first one was,

440
00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:54,660
I still love you. I still love you.

441
00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:56,420
Do we like each other? Yes. We do.

442
00:15:56,420 --> 00:15:58,820
Alright. Okay. Here's a little bit of where

443
00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:00,120
my head's at. And then

444
00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:03,054
the next day, I kinda spiraled and ended

445
00:16:03,054 --> 00:16:04,754
up, like, weepy in bed.

446
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,375
I got embarrassed because it was, like, I

447
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:09,294
don't I have all this stuff in my

448
00:16:09,294 --> 00:16:11,615
head. I don't trust myself to, like, be

449
00:16:11,615 --> 00:16:13,294
consistent. And I know I need to tell

450
00:16:13,294 --> 00:16:15,299
you, but, and this is what I said,

451
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,620
but what if you don't want

452
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,720
what I want? And we have been, knock

453
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,559
on wood, we've been very fortunate over the

454
00:16:22,559 --> 00:16:23,559
course of our relationship

455
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:24,820
Mhmm. Where

456
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,914
we're not always at the same level with

457
00:16:27,914 --> 00:16:30,434
each other, but we tend to be on

458
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,534
the same path going in the same direction,

459
00:16:32,835 --> 00:16:34,375
seeking the same things.

460
00:16:34,754 --> 00:16:36,375
Mhmm. And I'm

461
00:16:36,754 --> 00:16:39,414
not completely unaware. I'm self involved.

462
00:16:39,794 --> 00:16:41,794
I know JB can't focus. I know he's

463
00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:43,230
stressed. How do I know he's stressed? Not

464
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:45,629
just because he tells me, but because there's

465
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:47,549
a tone in his voice when he's stressed.

466
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,230
And it and I talk to him more

467
00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:51,149
than any other human on the planet. So

468
00:16:51,149 --> 00:16:53,230
guess who gets to hear it? I know

469
00:16:53,230 --> 00:16:55,409
what it sounds like. And I

470
00:16:55,894 --> 00:16:58,294
do what I would do for anybody that

471
00:16:58,294 --> 00:17:00,294
I care about, but, you know, in a

472
00:17:00,294 --> 00:17:02,534
power exchange, it just has more meaning. I

473
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:03,034
am

474
00:17:03,495 --> 00:17:05,414
as, you know, being the submissive I am,

475
00:17:05,414 --> 00:17:06,954
the type of submissive I am,

476
00:17:07,872 --> 00:17:09,529
and also the people pleaser and all the

477
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,990
stuff I should go to therapy for,

478
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:14,089
the the thing I desperately don't want is

479
00:17:14,089 --> 00:17:15,930
for JB to be unhappy. And if I

480
00:17:15,930 --> 00:17:18,809
can help make that not a thing, then

481
00:17:18,809 --> 00:17:20,349
I'm gonna do that. So I'm

482
00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:22,190
hyper aware

483
00:17:22,744 --> 00:17:24,525
of this man's mood. Right?

484
00:17:24,825 --> 00:17:27,225
So all and he's been open about it.

485
00:17:27,225 --> 00:17:28,904
We've talked about it. You've not hidden that

486
00:17:28,904 --> 00:17:30,744
for me. Right. He didn't need to, but

487
00:17:30,744 --> 00:17:32,365
still, it was good to have the conversation.

488
00:17:33,705 --> 00:17:35,725
So that's why in my head,

489
00:17:36,105 --> 00:17:38,269
I'm like, I might say the thing I

490
00:17:38,269 --> 00:17:39,950
need to say just to get it out

491
00:17:39,950 --> 00:17:40,929
of my head.

492
00:17:41,950 --> 00:17:43,869
But, you know, for the first time in

493
00:17:43,869 --> 00:17:45,629
all these years, I'm faced with what if

494
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:48,609
he doesn't want what I am asking for?

495
00:17:50,990 --> 00:17:53,250
Now I get to come at that from

496
00:17:53,684 --> 00:17:55,605
knowing we have this foundation of love and

497
00:17:55,605 --> 00:17:56,105
trust

498
00:17:56,565 --> 00:17:59,524
and compromise. And even if he's unable to

499
00:17:59,524 --> 00:18:01,044
give me everything I'm asking for, and I'm

500
00:18:01,044 --> 00:18:02,644
really not asking for that much, I don't

501
00:18:02,644 --> 00:18:04,644
think. But, you know, if he's not quite

502
00:18:04,644 --> 00:18:06,664
there yet, I know we'll find the compromise.

503
00:18:06,724 --> 00:18:08,884
We'll ease into it. Like, I know all

504
00:18:08,884 --> 00:18:10,710
of that. So, you know, I have a

505
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,789
lot more not that he didn't have empathy

506
00:18:12,789 --> 00:18:14,730
for people who find it very difficult

507
00:18:15,509 --> 00:18:17,509
to and they're uncertain when they're talking to

508
00:18:17,509 --> 00:18:19,269
their partner about their kinky needs, but I

509
00:18:19,269 --> 00:18:21,289
have a new level of empathy

510
00:18:21,670 --> 00:18:23,955
because for the first time, I'm sitting there

511
00:18:24,215 --> 00:18:26,975
going, this is the time he could reject

512
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:27,475
this.

513
00:18:28,095 --> 00:18:28,595
Kindly

514
00:18:29,055 --> 00:18:30,035
with love,

515
00:18:31,455 --> 00:18:32,434
there's still rejection.

516
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:35,215
And that for me was sort of the

517
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,975
moment when I realized, wow. Look how far

518
00:18:36,975 --> 00:18:38,654
we've come and look how far we still

519
00:18:38,654 --> 00:18:40,410
have left to go. Mhmm.

520
00:18:41,029 --> 00:18:42,970
And it was the and this is so

521
00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:45,609
naive of me to have this realization,

522
00:18:46,309 --> 00:18:48,150
but it's just because we've been lucky so

523
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:48,650
far.

524
00:18:48,950 --> 00:18:50,470
It was the first time I had to

525
00:18:50,470 --> 00:18:52,375
face the reality that a a lot of

526
00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:53,674
people go through of

527
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:56,875
we're not at the same place on this.

528
00:18:57,414 --> 00:18:59,335
Mhmm. And for different reasons for, you know

529
00:18:59,494 --> 00:19:01,335
and it could it could shift. We could

530
00:19:01,335 --> 00:19:03,174
come out of this summer and you, you

531
00:19:03,174 --> 00:19:03,674
know,

532
00:19:03,974 --> 00:19:05,275
the heat could break and

533
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:08,109
the bank account won't. And, you know, you

534
00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:08,609
could

535
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,990
be on the upswing and the focus come

536
00:19:10,990 --> 00:19:12,829
back and the some of the stress will,

537
00:19:12,829 --> 00:19:13,809
you know, diminish.

538
00:19:14,269 --> 00:19:16,349
And then for all I know, that'll be

539
00:19:16,349 --> 00:19:18,130
when I'm the most stressed.

540
00:19:18,509 --> 00:19:20,109
And I'm like, I don't have time for

541
00:19:20,109 --> 00:19:21,889
the thing you're trying to give me,

542
00:19:22,285 --> 00:19:25,265
JB. And, you know, and we're we're mismatched

543
00:19:25,325 --> 00:19:26,305
a little bit more.

544
00:19:27,085 --> 00:19:29,644
The the the only good thing with this

545
00:19:29,644 --> 00:19:32,204
for me a little bit is for whatever

546
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:32,704
reason,

547
00:19:33,244 --> 00:19:34,944
the creativity has been flowing.

548
00:19:35,269 --> 00:19:37,190
Yes. I think see, to me, I think

549
00:19:37,190 --> 00:19:38,889
that's a good sign for you

550
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:40,329
because because

551
00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:41,529
last year,

552
00:19:42,309 --> 00:19:44,309
there was the stress, there was anger, there

553
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:46,789
was fear, there was depression, there was and

554
00:19:46,789 --> 00:19:48,904
all of those are separate things, but also

555
00:19:49,525 --> 00:19:50,424
the lumped together.

556
00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:52,265
And you were,

557
00:19:52,644 --> 00:19:54,184
you know, you were struggling

558
00:19:54,884 --> 00:19:57,285
to do the things you're always do and

559
00:19:57,285 --> 00:19:59,765
have, you know, have the creativity flowing. So,

560
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:00,265
like,

561
00:20:00,565 --> 00:20:02,404
seeing all of that and seeing how you

562
00:20:02,404 --> 00:20:04,690
get inspired and you're excited to go, except

563
00:20:04,690 --> 00:20:06,610
when it's really hot, excited to go into

564
00:20:06,610 --> 00:20:08,450
the shop and make the things and do

565
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:10,690
the things and, like, do this thing you're

566
00:20:10,690 --> 00:20:11,590
passionate about,

567
00:20:11,970 --> 00:20:13,590
that lets me know that

568
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,850
it this year is not last year. Right.

569
00:20:16,850 --> 00:20:18,644
Yeah. But it takes a while

570
00:20:19,525 --> 00:20:20,964
to it could take I mean, for some

571
00:20:20,964 --> 00:20:22,825
people, it could take literal fucking years

572
00:20:23,365 --> 00:20:26,265
to stop kind of being mentally or emotionally

573
00:20:26,484 --> 00:20:28,884
stuck in a moment that was really bad

574
00:20:28,884 --> 00:20:30,505
because they're sort of on edge

575
00:20:31,045 --> 00:20:33,525
waiting for it to happen again. Mhmm. As

576
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:34,589
somebody who has

577
00:20:35,390 --> 00:20:37,650
been stuck there too, like, I I completely

578
00:20:37,710 --> 00:20:40,109
get it. Which was another reason I'm was

579
00:20:40,109 --> 00:20:42,990
very hesitant to say anything. It's like, am

580
00:20:42,990 --> 00:20:43,809
I asking

581
00:20:44,429 --> 00:20:46,909
for too much? Not that I am too

582
00:20:46,909 --> 00:20:48,265
much. I don't I I don't think that

583
00:20:48,265 --> 00:20:49,865
way anymore and I don't want anybody else

584
00:20:49,865 --> 00:20:51,545
out there. Yeah. Look, if they think you're

585
00:20:51,545 --> 00:20:53,144
too much, tell them to go find less.

586
00:20:53,144 --> 00:20:55,704
Okay? I know I'm not asking for too

587
00:20:55,704 --> 00:20:57,625
much because I am too much. But is

588
00:20:57,625 --> 00:20:59,944
this too much for JB to handle? And

589
00:20:59,944 --> 00:21:01,805
if I'm having that moment then why bother

590
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,519
asking? Because the last thing I wanna do

591
00:21:03,519 --> 00:21:05,220
is put pressure on him. Which

592
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,580
from a like in a loving healthy relationship,

593
00:21:08,799 --> 00:21:11,039
those are not bad thoughts to have. Now

594
00:21:11,039 --> 00:21:13,119
add the layer of submission where I just

595
00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:13,934
desperately want

596
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,375
my Dom to have everything he wants, and

597
00:21:17,375 --> 00:21:19,934
you can see how easy it is for

598
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:21,855
you to push down your own needs and

599
00:21:21,855 --> 00:21:24,894
not talk about them because you don't want

600
00:21:24,894 --> 00:21:27,429
to, like, what? I don't wanna inconvenience him.

601
00:21:27,429 --> 00:21:29,269
I don't wanna stress him out. Mhmm. I

602
00:21:29,269 --> 00:21:31,750
don't want to ask him. I don't want

603
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:33,109
him to try to do something he's not

604
00:21:33,109 --> 00:21:35,369
ready to do just to make me happy.

605
00:21:36,950 --> 00:21:40,634
And maybe not everybody has 85 thoughts happening

606
00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:42,555
at the same time that revolve like that,

607
00:21:42,555 --> 00:21:44,075
but some of y'all do. I know I'm

608
00:21:44,075 --> 00:21:46,875
not alone. And that's all of that is

609
00:21:46,875 --> 00:21:49,134
just swimming in my head on top of

610
00:21:49,275 --> 00:21:50,875
this thing with a kid and this thing

611
00:21:50,875 --> 00:21:52,394
with that and this thing. You know what

612
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,015
I mean? It's like, it was

613
00:21:54,474 --> 00:21:55,710
I mean, we ended up

614
00:21:56,269 --> 00:21:56,769
having

615
00:21:57,630 --> 00:21:59,230
a spat, a tiff. It was not a

616
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:01,309
full blown argument. It was not it was

617
00:22:01,309 --> 00:22:03,309
about ground beef. It was about ground beef.

618
00:22:03,309 --> 00:22:05,710
If you're ever like, what's the dumbest argument

619
00:22:05,710 --> 00:22:07,809
I could get into with somebody I genuinely

620
00:22:08,029 --> 00:22:10,210
love? Ground beef is up there.

621
00:22:10,669 --> 00:22:11,744
It It just is. And

622
00:22:12,125 --> 00:22:12,865
the noodles.

623
00:22:13,884 --> 00:22:15,724
And the noodles. And I think Can't leave

624
00:22:15,724 --> 00:22:17,644
out the noodles. If we had been speaking

625
00:22:17,644 --> 00:22:19,724
to one another when I finally just made

626
00:22:19,724 --> 00:22:21,484
the grocery list on my own, so JV

627
00:22:21,484 --> 00:22:22,765
did not have to think about it because

628
00:22:22,765 --> 00:22:24,464
clearly that was stressing him out,

629
00:22:25,005 --> 00:22:26,960
we might have bought more noodles for tonight's

630
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:27,460
dinner.

631
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,140
Plenty of beef, but not no noodles.

632
00:22:34,799 --> 00:22:36,320
Yes. It it was it worked out fine.

633
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:36,980
Fine.

634
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:38,174
It really

635
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,455
And you see, we we can laugh about

636
00:22:41,455 --> 00:22:42,515
it now. Right.

637
00:22:43,134 --> 00:22:45,455
So and I for the record, if anybody

638
00:22:45,455 --> 00:22:46,195
is confused,

639
00:22:47,055 --> 00:22:49,934
JB is giving his full permission and support

640
00:22:49,934 --> 00:22:51,555
to talk about this

641
00:22:52,095 --> 00:22:55,529
when it's, like, three days old. So for

642
00:22:55,910 --> 00:22:56,410
for

643
00:22:56,789 --> 00:22:57,289
anybody

644
00:22:58,789 --> 00:22:59,289
wondering,

645
00:22:59,830 --> 00:23:00,150
if we're

646
00:23:00,789 --> 00:23:02,070
I I didn't have to twist his arm,

647
00:23:02,070 --> 00:23:03,849
guilt him, or bat my fucking eyelashes.

648
00:23:04,230 --> 00:23:05,924
We're gonna get into this. Okay? Because that's

649
00:23:05,924 --> 00:23:07,924
all the setup. That's all the background. That's

650
00:23:07,924 --> 00:23:10,884
all the what's happening that we're not talking

651
00:23:10,884 --> 00:23:11,384
about.

652
00:23:12,884 --> 00:23:15,045
So then we start talking. Yep. This is

653
00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:16,404
where I know for many of you, you

654
00:23:16,404 --> 00:23:17,924
might not relate because, you know, we're not

655
00:23:17,924 --> 00:23:19,365
the same type of submissive. You're not the

656
00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:20,744
same type of dom. Whatever whatever.

657
00:23:21,125 --> 00:23:23,852
But But here we go. Drip from the

658
00:23:23,852 --> 00:23:27,057
pages. The first I don't I don't know

659
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:29,905
what order I said anything in anymore. I

660
00:23:29,905 --> 00:23:33,466
don't know. If that's there should no. No.

661
00:23:33,466 --> 00:23:33,822
It

662
00:23:34,534 --> 00:23:36,315
but the first thing that

663
00:23:37,274 --> 00:23:39,115
was that I think of right now that

664
00:23:39,115 --> 00:23:40,494
I was, like, very important

665
00:23:41,194 --> 00:23:42,815
that I needed JB to understand

666
00:23:43,274 --> 00:23:45,514
about all of this, about I want more

667
00:23:45,514 --> 00:23:47,434
from the our current power change. I want

668
00:23:47,434 --> 00:23:49,434
to get back to more of the things

669
00:23:49,434 --> 00:23:50,414
that we've had.

670
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:53,299
I think I said it eight times because

671
00:23:53,299 --> 00:23:54,899
you know me, I'm gonna repeat myself. So

672
00:23:54,899 --> 00:23:57,619
you are there's no question if you know

673
00:23:57,619 --> 00:23:59,700
what I mean and I'm right? There's no

674
00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:00,200
miscommunication.

675
00:24:01,619 --> 00:24:04,019
It's like, look, I'll do service all day

676
00:24:04,019 --> 00:24:06,434
long. I don't I don't this is not

677
00:24:06,434 --> 00:24:08,275
that I wanna do less service. This is

678
00:24:08,275 --> 00:24:10,295
not that I'm not happy as a service.

679
00:24:10,434 --> 00:24:12,375
I'm very happy as a service

680
00:24:12,914 --> 00:24:14,434
in the way that we do it, where

681
00:24:14,434 --> 00:24:16,775
there's not a lot of, you know,

682
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,000
assigned tasks as needed. It's more of a,

683
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,119
here are the things I need you to

684
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:22,799
do and I know my role and I

685
00:24:22,799 --> 00:24:25,359
know what JB will allow and what he

686
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:26,880
won't and where I need to stop and

687
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,640
go ask and where I can just do

688
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,559
and inform and it is done as a

689
00:24:30,559 --> 00:24:31,059
service

690
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,755
because I want his life to be easy

691
00:24:33,974 --> 00:24:34,795
and peaceful.

692
00:24:35,174 --> 00:24:36,695
I'm not going to be his peace but

693
00:24:36,695 --> 00:24:38,375
I would like the rest of his life

694
00:24:38,375 --> 00:24:39,195
to be peaceful.

695
00:24:39,815 --> 00:24:42,214
And so I I look at that from

696
00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:44,714
the lens of acts of service. Right?

697
00:24:45,414 --> 00:24:47,494
And I said, look. I don't want any

698
00:24:47,494 --> 00:24:48,450
of that to change.

699
00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:51,250
I I am I'm not asking for less

700
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:53,169
of that. I'm not asking for more of

701
00:24:53,169 --> 00:24:55,329
it, but I'm not asking for less. I

702
00:24:55,329 --> 00:24:56,710
said, but here's the thing

703
00:24:57,409 --> 00:24:59,109
with that kind of service.

704
00:24:59,809 --> 00:25:00,549
There is

705
00:25:00,849 --> 00:25:03,089
a lot of mental and emotional load that

706
00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:05,315
goes with it. There is something we talked

707
00:25:05,315 --> 00:25:06,595
about a few weeks ago. I think there's

708
00:25:06,595 --> 00:25:08,994
some decision fatigue because I am empowered to

709
00:25:08,994 --> 00:25:10,055
make certain decisions

710
00:25:10,434 --> 00:25:12,855
because we've got the longevity of our relationship,

711
00:25:13,154 --> 00:25:14,595
and we know what the other would do

712
00:25:14,595 --> 00:25:16,615
and what the other would want. That's not

713
00:25:17,569 --> 00:25:19,589
six months to a year in a relationship

714
00:25:19,730 --> 00:25:22,130
kinda thing. That is years of being together

715
00:25:22,130 --> 00:25:23,029
and just knowing

716
00:25:23,569 --> 00:25:25,250
how things work in your life and your

717
00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:25,750
relationship.

718
00:25:26,529 --> 00:25:28,849
I was like, that takes its toll, and

719
00:25:28,849 --> 00:25:31,345
I don't necessarily want less. I'm you know,

720
00:25:31,345 --> 00:25:32,384
I I was so

721
00:25:34,144 --> 00:25:35,664
I wanted to be so clear that I

722
00:25:35,664 --> 00:25:37,684
was not blaming JB for how I felt,

723
00:25:38,065 --> 00:25:40,625
that I was not unhappy with that part

724
00:25:40,625 --> 00:25:41,445
of my life.

725
00:25:42,940 --> 00:25:46,059
I'm just tired. I'm just tired. Yeah. And

726
00:25:46,059 --> 00:25:47,340
I I pointed out to him. I was

727
00:25:47,340 --> 00:25:49,019
like, look, the dynamic we've had for the

728
00:25:49,019 --> 00:25:50,620
past several years through all of the chaos

729
00:25:50,620 --> 00:25:52,460
we went through was like, you were very

730
00:25:52,460 --> 00:25:54,539
clear. I'm very honest. You could not be

731
00:25:54,539 --> 00:25:56,085
the same kind of dom. You did not

732
00:25:56,085 --> 00:25:58,085
have it in you. So as we've said

733
00:25:58,085 --> 00:25:59,924
many times in past episodes, we put it

734
00:25:59,924 --> 00:26:02,164
on autopilot. Well, autopilot is a service up.

735
00:26:02,164 --> 00:26:03,845
Still means a lot of fucking shit to

736
00:26:03,845 --> 00:26:05,765
do. Right? Like, if I had needed to

737
00:26:05,765 --> 00:26:07,605
do less, we could have negotiated that, of

738
00:26:07,605 --> 00:26:08,105
course.

739
00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,484
But I like my routines and I like

740
00:26:10,484 --> 00:26:12,319
doing what I've I did yesterday and will

741
00:26:12,319 --> 00:26:13,920
do tomorrow because then I don't have to

742
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,400
wonder what happened. Like, I just know and

743
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,079
I just go and I do. I was

744
00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:19,519
like, but here's the thing. I took on

745
00:26:19,519 --> 00:26:21,619
service that some of it I still have,

746
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,740
like financial service. That's a whole other conversation

747
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,704
that we tend to have many

748
00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:30,065
times. How the financial stuff goes.

749
00:26:30,605 --> 00:26:32,765
I was like I said, but, you know,

750
00:26:32,765 --> 00:26:34,605
while you took that step back that you

751
00:26:34,605 --> 00:26:37,005
needed Mhmm. I was like, I didn't shut

752
00:26:37,005 --> 00:26:39,005
it off. I said, the thing I shut

753
00:26:39,005 --> 00:26:39,505
off

754
00:26:39,884 --> 00:26:41,910
was being able to turn my brain off

755
00:26:42,390 --> 00:26:44,950
and being able to be taken care of.

756
00:26:44,950 --> 00:26:46,410
That was always my thing

757
00:26:46,869 --> 00:26:48,250
when I was learning about

758
00:26:48,789 --> 00:26:50,789
submission and myself as a submissive and I

759
00:26:50,789 --> 00:26:52,549
figured out, like, baby girl is the word

760
00:26:52,549 --> 00:26:54,230
for me, little does not doesn't feel right

761
00:26:54,230 --> 00:26:55,750
to me, not that there's anything wrong with

762
00:26:55,750 --> 00:26:57,029
the word, it's just not right for me.

763
00:26:57,029 --> 00:26:59,714
Like, brat's not right for me. It's not.

764
00:27:00,414 --> 00:27:01,775
Feitche is not. Anyway

765
00:27:06,015 --> 00:27:09,535
and the the hardest part of accepting myself

766
00:27:09,535 --> 00:27:11,230
as a submissive was the baby girl side

767
00:27:11,230 --> 00:27:12,990
because the baby girl side wants to be

768
00:27:12,990 --> 00:27:14,990
taken care of, wants somebody to make some

769
00:27:14,990 --> 00:27:16,990
decisions for her, wants to be told, no.

770
00:27:16,990 --> 00:27:18,349
You can't do this. Yes. You need to

771
00:27:18,349 --> 00:27:20,049
do that. Let me do that for you.

772
00:27:20,349 --> 00:27:22,589
You know? Let like, you just sit there

773
00:27:22,589 --> 00:27:24,429
and and be a sweet little baby girl.

774
00:27:24,429 --> 00:27:24,929
Okay.

775
00:27:25,389 --> 00:27:28,164
A spicy little baby girl, and I'll I'll

776
00:27:28,164 --> 00:27:29,625
do for you. Right? Not

777
00:27:29,924 --> 00:27:32,085
on big levels, but, like, these small things.

778
00:27:32,085 --> 00:27:32,585
Right?

779
00:27:33,125 --> 00:27:33,625
And,

780
00:27:34,965 --> 00:27:36,884
Jimmy didn't have it in him for a

781
00:27:36,884 --> 00:27:38,484
for a long time. We would take moments

782
00:27:38,484 --> 00:27:39,765
where we could where I felt my baby

783
00:27:39,765 --> 00:27:41,445
girl self and he felt his daddy self.

784
00:27:41,445 --> 00:27:43,279
But that wasn't something we could do

785
00:27:43,899 --> 00:27:45,679
on any sort of regular basis.

786
00:27:45,980 --> 00:27:48,460
No. And and for me, you know, yeah,

787
00:27:48,460 --> 00:27:50,940
I I I fully admit it. You know,

788
00:27:50,940 --> 00:27:51,919
on on

789
00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:54,399
my journey back,

790
00:27:57,255 --> 00:27:58,714
You know, we have

791
00:28:02,375 --> 00:28:05,734
slowly brought back our power exchange. Mhmm. Very

792
00:28:05,734 --> 00:28:07,595
much the service sub

793
00:28:08,134 --> 00:28:10,630
The dom. Yeah. Like, the Dom sub, not

794
00:28:10,630 --> 00:28:12,710
the a little bit of outliers that we

795
00:28:12,710 --> 00:28:15,890
kinda do. Not the nuances of our power

796
00:28:15,910 --> 00:28:17,450
exchange. Mhmm. And

797
00:28:21,990 --> 00:28:23,509
Gotta lost my thought. I hate it when

798
00:28:23,509 --> 00:28:24,835
that happens. Oh, Jesus.

799
00:28:26,335 --> 00:28:27,934
I'll keep talking and then I'll go back

800
00:28:27,934 --> 00:28:29,075
to you. It'll come back.

801
00:28:29,775 --> 00:28:31,134
Oh, god. I'm not the only one with

802
00:28:31,134 --> 00:28:33,154
Swiss cheese brain, but it Oh, no. Okay.

803
00:28:33,934 --> 00:28:35,955
You know, and my sadist side

804
00:28:36,335 --> 00:28:37,759
Mhmm. I have,

805
00:28:39,099 --> 00:28:41,099
you know Oh, you've embraced the fuck out

806
00:28:41,099 --> 00:28:43,340
of that for sure. I I wonder on

807
00:28:43,340 --> 00:28:45,019
that, is that sort of a stress relief

808
00:28:45,019 --> 00:28:46,380
for you? As much as anything else, as

809
00:28:46,380 --> 00:28:47,713
much as pleasure, as much as a personal

810
00:28:47,740 --> 00:28:49,180
To a certain extent, it is. Yes. Is

811
00:28:49,180 --> 00:28:51,525
it stress relief? Yes. I mean, it helps

812
00:28:51,525 --> 00:28:52,965
that you, I guess, have a screamer and

813
00:28:52,965 --> 00:28:54,965
you like screams. So to the extent that

814
00:28:54,965 --> 00:28:56,904
I can, I do? Right.

815
00:28:57,605 --> 00:28:59,305
So we're having this conversation,

816
00:28:59,605 --> 00:29:01,465
and I again, I'm trying to reiterate,

817
00:29:01,845 --> 00:29:03,684
I'm not upset at being a service sub.

818
00:29:03,684 --> 00:29:05,045
I'm not mad at the service I've done

819
00:29:05,045 --> 00:29:06,609
over the several years. I'm not mad at

820
00:29:06,609 --> 00:29:07,829
the service I do now,

821
00:29:08,529 --> 00:29:09,349
but it's

822
00:29:09,809 --> 00:29:12,230
not enough. I am tired.

823
00:29:12,849 --> 00:29:13,990
Like, I am just

824
00:29:14,690 --> 00:29:15,190
exhausted.

825
00:29:15,490 --> 00:29:17,589
And I need more than the occasional

826
00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:19,809
crossing a parking lot and just hold his

827
00:29:19,809 --> 00:29:22,384
damn hand brain shut off. I need

828
00:29:22,684 --> 00:29:24,605
something more than, oh, we tried this thing

829
00:29:24,605 --> 00:29:26,525
for this day out or this weekend or

830
00:29:26,525 --> 00:29:29,345
this like, I I need something that's

831
00:29:30,684 --> 00:29:32,845
sort of what's the the there's an expression,

832
00:29:32,845 --> 00:29:34,365
but I can't think of it. But, basically,

833
00:29:34,365 --> 00:29:36,509
it's sort of intertwined with the fabric of

834
00:29:36,509 --> 00:29:39,950
our relationship, like services. Service is easy. Services,

835
00:29:39,950 --> 00:29:41,869
I'll do for you. I'll take care of

836
00:29:41,869 --> 00:29:43,869
this. I have said this before and I

837
00:29:43,869 --> 00:29:44,529
will continue

838
00:29:45,070 --> 00:29:46,450
to believe it's about myself.

839
00:29:46,830 --> 00:29:48,930
It's also because I got control issues.

840
00:29:49,309 --> 00:29:51,309
And I understand the irony of being a

841
00:29:51,309 --> 00:29:53,054
submissive submissive with control issues, but I know

842
00:29:53,054 --> 00:29:55,054
I'm not the only one. That's why it's

843
00:29:55,054 --> 00:29:57,134
so hard to give up control. But being

844
00:29:57,134 --> 00:29:59,054
a service sub, the way JB likes it

845
00:29:59,054 --> 00:30:00,815
for me likes for me to be, I

846
00:30:00,815 --> 00:30:02,414
get a lot of control. I just have

847
00:30:02,414 --> 00:30:04,894
to think about what would JB what would

848
00:30:04,894 --> 00:30:05,795
JB do?

849
00:30:07,054 --> 00:30:09,640
W w w j b d. That'll be

850
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:10,940
a new bracelet, I guess.

851
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,759
And what has he allowed before? And then

852
00:30:14,759 --> 00:30:17,000
I've had to learn to stop myself when

853
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:18,519
I have when I don't know for a

854
00:30:18,519 --> 00:30:19,019
fact.

855
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,345
So that's kind of where, like, I'm tearfully.

856
00:30:22,484 --> 00:30:23,545
I'm just, like,

857
00:30:24,484 --> 00:30:26,724
crying into my hands and hiding my face.

858
00:30:26,724 --> 00:30:28,244
It was very much in my baby girl's

859
00:30:28,244 --> 00:30:31,365
face because what I did not want to

860
00:30:31,365 --> 00:30:32,744
see was the

861
00:30:33,285 --> 00:30:35,365
just kind of an expression that JB can

862
00:30:35,365 --> 00:30:36,265
get when he

863
00:30:36,599 --> 00:30:37,819
he empathizes

864
00:30:38,119 --> 00:30:40,359
and he wishes he could give you what

865
00:30:40,359 --> 00:30:42,119
you want, but he cannot. And I was

866
00:30:42,119 --> 00:30:43,019
like, I don't

867
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:45,339
I don't wanna see that face.

868
00:30:46,119 --> 00:30:47,660
I don't wanna see that reality

869
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,420
before he

870
00:30:49,799 --> 00:30:51,660
he even gets to talk to me. Now

871
00:30:52,494 --> 00:30:54,494
here's here's the thing that kind of fucks

872
00:30:54,494 --> 00:30:56,575
with me because it just shows that nothing

873
00:30:56,575 --> 00:30:57,315
is linear

874
00:30:57,855 --> 00:30:58,355
and,

875
00:30:58,894 --> 00:31:01,134
you know, you can be riding a high

876
00:31:01,134 --> 00:31:03,694
one moment and then be crying in your

877
00:31:03,694 --> 00:31:06,420
pillow the next. And why is it like

878
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,059
that? Was it was Sunday morning.

879
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,039
No. That in in our Patreon podcast, I

880
00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:14,580
refer to as the great dickening.

881
00:31:15,519 --> 00:31:16,019
If

882
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:20,835
you need a reason to to join our

883
00:31:20,835 --> 00:31:21,335
Patreon,

884
00:31:22,035 --> 00:31:24,054
I did call that the great dickening,

885
00:31:25,234 --> 00:31:27,734
where we had some of the best

886
00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:30,934
kinky rough sex. Mhmm. Twice.

887
00:31:31,634 --> 00:31:33,809
Like, we had to, like, take we're we

888
00:31:33,809 --> 00:31:35,890
are not as young as we once were.

889
00:31:35,890 --> 00:31:37,809
We are not a spry as we once

890
00:31:37,809 --> 00:31:38,309
were.

891
00:31:39,009 --> 00:31:41,669
Twice in two hours? Are you kidding me?

892
00:31:42,130 --> 00:31:43,970
And it was it was delicious. It was

893
00:31:43,970 --> 00:31:46,529
delightful. I was It was. Man, I was

894
00:31:46,529 --> 00:31:47,589
feeling so

895
00:31:48,775 --> 00:31:50,075
good after that. It's

896
00:31:50,455 --> 00:31:53,654
like, you can't tell me nothing because I've

897
00:31:53,654 --> 00:31:55,654
been smacked. I've had my hair pulled. I

898
00:31:55,654 --> 00:31:56,855
pulled it back. I didn't even wash my

899
00:31:56,855 --> 00:31:57,815
hair after that. I pulled it back in

900
00:31:57,815 --> 00:31:59,575
a ponytail. I'm just like, we're just gonna,

901
00:31:59,575 --> 00:32:00,875
like, swim in this.

902
00:32:01,575 --> 00:32:03,809
It was delightful. It's fucking delightful.

903
00:32:04,670 --> 00:32:06,769
And then several hours later, I was crying

904
00:32:08,670 --> 00:32:11,170
because I need I need more. Right? And

905
00:32:12,029 --> 00:32:14,609
not more in the JV is not enough.

906
00:32:15,275 --> 00:32:17,355
More in the I have different wants and

907
00:32:17,355 --> 00:32:18,894
needs and they're not being fulfilled.

908
00:32:19,515 --> 00:32:20,015
Now

909
00:32:21,595 --> 00:32:23,434
I know JB is still mulling and I'm

910
00:32:23,434 --> 00:32:26,634
not asking him to share trade secrets on

911
00:32:26,634 --> 00:32:27,775
a fucking podcast.

912
00:32:28,474 --> 00:32:28,974
But

913
00:32:30,419 --> 00:32:33,619
can you share your thoughts? Not necessarily your

914
00:32:33,619 --> 00:32:35,380
plans unless you want to. I'm down for

915
00:32:35,380 --> 00:32:38,500
that. But what are you thinking about? And

916
00:32:38,500 --> 00:32:41,059
what are you like, where were you in

917
00:32:41,059 --> 00:32:43,299
during that conversation? Where was your mind going?

918
00:32:43,299 --> 00:32:45,555
And where is it at now? Whatever whatever.

919
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:48,115
My mind's all over the fucking place.

920
00:32:49,295 --> 00:32:50,035
I know.

921
00:32:50,894 --> 00:32:52,994
Same girl. Same. Yeah.

922
00:32:54,494 --> 00:32:55,154
You know,

923
00:32:56,255 --> 00:32:58,434
I I think to a certain extent,

924
00:33:01,130 --> 00:33:01,869
deep down,

925
00:33:02,809 --> 00:33:05,210
I I knew because even myself, I knew

926
00:33:05,210 --> 00:33:06,429
daddy hasn't been out.

927
00:33:07,210 --> 00:33:09,049
Oh. And I'm long time. I don't miss

928
00:33:09,049 --> 00:33:10,809
the daddy that says no. That's not my

929
00:33:10,809 --> 00:33:11,630
favorite daddy.

930
00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:14,250
But the daddy who buys Diet Cokes and,

931
00:33:14,250 --> 00:33:16,194
like, turns on the TV and says we're

932
00:33:16,194 --> 00:33:18,115
watching this. And the daddy who does that,

933
00:33:18,115 --> 00:33:19,954
I miss that. I don't miss the daddy

934
00:33:19,954 --> 00:33:21,095
that says no. Just

935
00:33:21,394 --> 00:33:23,394
he can he can keep on having his

936
00:33:23,394 --> 00:33:23,894
vacation.

937
00:33:24,515 --> 00:33:26,214
Just so you know, in case you wondered.

938
00:33:29,619 --> 00:33:32,420
So, you know, in in bringing that up,

939
00:33:32,420 --> 00:33:33,400
it it wasn't

940
00:33:34,259 --> 00:33:35,559
off the mark at all.

941
00:33:36,099 --> 00:33:36,759
You know?

942
00:33:37,299 --> 00:33:37,799
And,

943
00:33:40,019 --> 00:33:41,960
yeah, I've been noodling it. I've been

944
00:33:42,420 --> 00:33:42,920
thinking.

945
00:33:43,724 --> 00:33:44,224
Plotting?

946
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:46,865
Yeah. I'm good with plotting. Okay.

947
00:33:47,244 --> 00:33:48,845
So, you know, yeah, I do not have

948
00:33:48,845 --> 00:33:49,644
any definite,

949
00:33:52,285 --> 00:33:54,765
but I the plan is coming together. And

950
00:33:54,765 --> 00:33:56,204
I think I would find it very strange

951
00:33:56,204 --> 00:33:58,559
just the nature of our relationship if, like,

952
00:33:58,619 --> 00:34:00,380
one day we're just the way we've been,

953
00:34:00,380 --> 00:34:02,220
yeah, how for however long, and then you

954
00:34:02,220 --> 00:34:03,200
said, okay, tomorrow

955
00:34:03,580 --> 00:34:05,660
a switch flips and everything changes. I you

956
00:34:05,660 --> 00:34:06,160
know,

957
00:34:06,700 --> 00:34:07,099
it might

958
00:34:07,740 --> 00:34:10,219
but I feel like it would make more

959
00:34:10,219 --> 00:34:10,719
sense

960
00:34:11,099 --> 00:34:12,320
for who we are

961
00:34:12,780 --> 00:34:14,385
if if it just sort of starts showing

962
00:34:14,385 --> 00:34:16,704
up Mhmm. In these little ways, you know,

963
00:34:16,704 --> 00:34:19,025
part Yeah. Again, but part of it sitting

964
00:34:19,025 --> 00:34:20,625
right here is I don't want anything to

965
00:34:20,625 --> 00:34:22,465
stress JB out. So if it is better

966
00:34:22,465 --> 00:34:23,985
for him to just do little things as

967
00:34:23,985 --> 00:34:25,985
he goes and not plan something big, then

968
00:34:25,985 --> 00:34:27,285
I'm not asking for.

969
00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:31,059
I'll minimize myself way too fast. That is

970
00:34:31,059 --> 00:34:32,980
not healthy and good. I'm not proud of

971
00:34:32,980 --> 00:34:33,480
it.

972
00:34:34,099 --> 00:34:36,420
Now JB said something to me. So part

973
00:34:36,420 --> 00:34:37,239
of the conversation

974
00:34:37,940 --> 00:34:38,440
Mhmm.

975
00:34:39,300 --> 00:34:41,400
Part of part of the blow up

976
00:34:41,940 --> 00:34:44,454
over ground beef and fucking noodles.

977
00:34:44,994 --> 00:34:46,295
Goddamn. I'm embarrassed

978
00:34:46,675 --> 00:34:47,655
about that now.

979
00:34:49,155 --> 00:34:51,255
Is JB did the thing that I

980
00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:53,554
like, it was like nails on a chalkboard

981
00:34:53,554 --> 00:34:54,755
to me. He goes, but what do you

982
00:34:54,755 --> 00:34:56,994
want? And I'm like, no. That's not what

983
00:34:56,994 --> 00:34:58,135
we do here.

984
00:34:59,039 --> 00:35:00,719
I didn't say that part, but I did

985
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:02,239
kinda say that part. And see, let me

986
00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:03,140
explain something.

987
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:04,340
I know,

988
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:05,300
you know,

989
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:06,820
weeks ago,

990
00:35:07,119 --> 00:35:08,260
I went to you

991
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,800
because I knew something was off. Oh, yeah.

992
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,164
I've been off for a hot minute. You

993
00:35:12,164 --> 00:35:12,664
know.

994
00:35:13,045 --> 00:35:15,605
And, you know, you're you're kinda like, you

995
00:35:15,605 --> 00:35:17,684
know, you know, I'll I'll I'll I I

996
00:35:17,684 --> 00:35:18,965
think I need to sit down and write

997
00:35:18,965 --> 00:35:19,625
an email.

998
00:35:19,925 --> 00:35:22,184
Yes. Because I needed to organize my thoughts.

999
00:35:22,405 --> 00:35:22,905
Okay.

1000
00:35:23,364 --> 00:35:25,285
And, you know, I I didn't say anything.

1001
00:35:25,285 --> 00:35:26,760
I wasn't pushing her, you know. I was

1002
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:28,219
reading looking for

1003
00:35:28,519 --> 00:35:30,840
an email. Waiting for it with beta because

1004
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:32,440
I I prefaced it with, I think I

1005
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,039
need to write this out. I don't think

1006
00:35:34,039 --> 00:35:36,199
I can say it. Mhmm. And I'll I'll

1007
00:35:36,199 --> 00:35:38,039
be clearer and more organized. So this is

1008
00:35:38,039 --> 00:35:39,579
not an argument email.

1009
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:41,715
This would be a here. I just need

1010
00:35:41,715 --> 00:35:44,905
you to know what's in my head email.

1011
00:35:44,905 --> 00:35:48,096
So, you know, when the the way that

1012
00:35:48,096 --> 00:35:51,287
actually came about was because in my thinking,

1013
00:35:51,287 --> 00:35:54,478
I was like, I'm going through my head

1014
00:35:54,478 --> 00:35:57,269
thinking of everything she has been doing.

1015
00:35:58,469 --> 00:36:01,269
Everything that she's been doing. And and in

1016
00:36:01,269 --> 00:36:02,010
my mind,

1017
00:36:02,630 --> 00:36:03,289
I'm thinking,

1018
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:05,989
oh shit, her wells run dry. What does

1019
00:36:05,989 --> 00:36:07,750
she, you know, what can what can she

1020
00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:08,250
do,

1021
00:36:08,710 --> 00:36:10,630
you know, that's why I think, what would

1022
00:36:10,630 --> 00:36:11,989
you like? What, you know, that and that's

1023
00:36:11,989 --> 00:36:13,885
where I was coming from with

1024
00:36:15,224 --> 00:36:16,844
that. And you're like, nope.

1025
00:36:19,065 --> 00:36:21,065
I know. And that the reason I brought

1026
00:36:21,065 --> 00:36:23,385
it up yeah. I was pretty pretty clear.

1027
00:36:23,385 --> 00:36:25,944
There was clear communication there. The reason I

1028
00:36:25,944 --> 00:36:26,984
brought it up is when we were having

1029
00:36:26,984 --> 00:36:27,570
our conversation, JB

1030
00:36:28,610 --> 00:36:29,110
literal

1031
00:36:29,489 --> 00:36:30,070
sweetest thing

1032
00:36:30,610 --> 00:36:33,090
because I think it is it's very easy

1033
00:36:33,090 --> 00:36:34,930
for either side of the slash to go

1034
00:36:34,930 --> 00:36:37,250
through this. I can only speak as a

1035
00:36:37,250 --> 00:36:37,750
submissive.

1036
00:36:38,050 --> 00:36:39,618
But you're sometimes worried that the things you're

1037
00:36:39,618 --> 00:36:39,762
doing are not seen. They're not they're appreciated

1038
00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:41,394
maybe, but they're they're doing are not

1039
00:36:41,775 --> 00:36:44,574
seen. They're not they're appreciated maybe, but they're

1040
00:36:44,655 --> 00:36:47,454
like, nobody kinda gets what Mhmm. Goes into

1041
00:36:47,454 --> 00:36:48,275
that. Right?

1042
00:36:48,815 --> 00:36:50,574
And, again, that is either side of the

1043
00:36:50,574 --> 00:36:52,094
fucking slash. If you were taking care of

1044
00:36:52,094 --> 00:36:53,890
somebody in whatever way,

1045
00:36:54,430 --> 00:36:56,349
I think we all at some level just

1046
00:36:56,349 --> 00:36:58,510
want to be recognized for that. Now don't

1047
00:36:58,510 --> 00:37:00,110
throw me a fucking ticker tape parade. I

1048
00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:01,789
don't need a you know, I'll take a

1049
00:37:01,789 --> 00:37:03,309
gold star, but that's just because I'm a

1050
00:37:03,309 --> 00:37:04,450
gold star slut.

1051
00:37:05,469 --> 00:37:05,969
But

1052
00:37:06,664 --> 00:37:08,664
he said to me he said he said,

1053
00:37:08,664 --> 00:37:10,764
do you know why I ask

1054
00:37:11,385 --> 00:37:12,744
you? What do you want? He was like,

1055
00:37:12,744 --> 00:37:15,065
because you do so much for everybody in

1056
00:37:15,065 --> 00:37:15,965
this family.

1057
00:37:16,344 --> 00:37:18,344
I want you to have what you want.

1058
00:37:18,344 --> 00:37:20,429
And I said, what I want is for

1059
00:37:20,429 --> 00:37:22,750
you to tell me what to do. And

1060
00:37:22,750 --> 00:37:24,510
see, that's where I was reading the room

1061
00:37:24,510 --> 00:37:25,010
wrong

1062
00:37:25,309 --> 00:37:26,690
because I'm not psychic.

1063
00:37:27,949 --> 00:37:29,949
Well and you know what? Here's what's funny.

1064
00:37:29,949 --> 00:37:31,630
That to me is how far down the

1065
00:37:32,264 --> 00:37:34,045
we're not at our best DSLs

1066
00:37:34,824 --> 00:37:36,444
hole we had dropped because

1067
00:37:36,904 --> 00:37:37,964
a few years ago,

1068
00:37:39,224 --> 00:37:39,724
he

1069
00:37:40,585 --> 00:37:43,164
he would've I think he would've intuitively understood

1070
00:37:43,224 --> 00:37:44,664
that what I wanted was to be told

1071
00:37:44,664 --> 00:37:46,924
what to do. You would've approached it differently.

1072
00:37:46,984 --> 00:37:48,719
Yeah. You would've checked in in and made

1073
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:50,480
sure that no no you are reading this

1074
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:50,980
right.

1075
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:52,739
But the first thing

1076
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:55,519
you thought of would not be let me

1077
00:37:55,519 --> 00:37:57,679
give her everything my sweet little baby girl

1078
00:37:57,679 --> 00:37:59,760
wants. So it would have been like, how

1079
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:01,860
can I tease the shit out of her

1080
00:38:02,125 --> 00:38:05,085
and make her smile? Like, you know, that's

1081
00:38:05,085 --> 00:38:07,565
sort of the distance we are from where

1082
00:38:07,565 --> 00:38:09,164
we used to be to where we are

1083
00:38:09,164 --> 00:38:11,025
now to where we're trying to get. Yeah.

1084
00:38:11,085 --> 00:38:13,985
And and so then I had to have

1085
00:38:14,844 --> 00:38:16,844
the conversation. And I get where it comes

1086
00:38:16,844 --> 00:38:19,349
from. It tells me that you have listened

1087
00:38:19,349 --> 00:38:22,389
and paid attention to the service part of

1088
00:38:22,789 --> 00:38:25,349
Mhmm. My submission. And, God, I appreciate that

1089
00:38:25,349 --> 00:38:27,349
because haven't we all known at least one

1090
00:38:27,349 --> 00:38:28,949
person in our life that we try to

1091
00:38:28,949 --> 00:38:30,869
do things for, and they just took advantage

1092
00:38:30,869 --> 00:38:32,505
of that shit. And that's not even a

1093
00:38:32,505 --> 00:38:34,984
role thing. That's just a person thing. I

1094
00:38:34,984 --> 00:38:36,045
married that one.

1095
00:38:37,144 --> 00:38:38,844
Done with that. Won't go back.

1096
00:38:40,904 --> 00:38:41,404
But

1097
00:38:41,864 --> 00:38:43,304
oh, God. I just lost my train of

1098
00:38:43,304 --> 00:38:44,444
thought. Oh,

1099
00:38:45,019 --> 00:38:45,920
but the problem

1100
00:38:46,460 --> 00:38:48,139
with the way I we do service and

1101
00:38:48,139 --> 00:38:49,659
the way I've done service where I've taken

1102
00:38:49,659 --> 00:38:51,579
on a lot of stuff in order to

1103
00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:53,440
make JB's life easier,

1104
00:38:53,739 --> 00:38:54,239
right,

1105
00:38:55,980 --> 00:38:57,119
is that I

1106
00:38:57,855 --> 00:39:01,215
have definite thoughts and opinions about how things

1107
00:39:01,215 --> 00:39:04,275
should be done. And I have moments where

1108
00:39:05,054 --> 00:39:06,835
I want to be involved

1109
00:39:07,135 --> 00:39:09,954
in that decision making. It's important to me

1110
00:39:10,175 --> 00:39:12,289
to be involved in that decision making. And

1111
00:39:12,289 --> 00:39:13,269
then there are times

1112
00:39:14,289 --> 00:39:16,210
I don't give a fuck. And I've tried

1113
00:39:16,210 --> 00:39:18,469
to I've tried to signal that where he'll

1114
00:39:18,610 --> 00:39:20,130
JB will ask, what what do you think

1115
00:39:20,130 --> 00:39:22,050
about this? I'm like, it doesn't matter to

1116
00:39:22,050 --> 00:39:23,969
me. Whatever you want. And it's been on

1117
00:39:23,969 --> 00:39:26,130
weird stuff. Like, should we go to,

1118
00:39:26,894 --> 00:39:29,215
this gas station or that gas station? That's

1119
00:39:29,215 --> 00:39:31,454
the level of I have the information that

1120
00:39:31,454 --> 00:39:32,755
I shared with JB.

1121
00:39:33,135 --> 00:39:35,534
Those are the decisions. It's that granular. I'm

1122
00:39:35,534 --> 00:39:37,934
like, okay. We got 5¢ off this gas

1123
00:39:37,934 --> 00:39:40,015
station. Is the best offer right now. Yeah.

1124
00:39:40,015 --> 00:39:42,116
We got 15¢ off that one, and I've

1125
00:39:42,116 --> 00:39:44,330
checked the price of this one. And so

1126
00:39:44,330 --> 00:39:46,820
here and, like, it's collaborative. She knows the

1127
00:39:46,820 --> 00:39:49,034
gas prices like I know the weather. Y'all.

1128
00:39:49,034 --> 00:39:51,247
The amount of apps I have on my

1129
00:39:51,247 --> 00:39:53,737
fucking phone to save 3¢ off a gallon

1130
00:39:53,737 --> 00:39:56,228
of fucking gas is just it should be

1131
00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:58,264
embarrassing. But, you know, so there are times

1132
00:39:58,264 --> 00:40:00,444
I'm involved in decision making at

1133
00:40:00,904 --> 00:40:03,464
that small of a level. And there are

1134
00:40:03,464 --> 00:40:04,984
times that it feels very important to me

1135
00:40:04,984 --> 00:40:05,864
to be a part of that. And there

1136
00:40:05,864 --> 00:40:07,144
are times I'm like, I don't give a

1137
00:40:07,144 --> 00:40:07,644
fuck.

1138
00:40:08,105 --> 00:40:10,280
And so here's here's where the growth and

1139
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,139
maturity and we've done this for a minute

1140
00:40:12,199 --> 00:40:13,659
come in. I said,

1141
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,039
I cannot and do not expect you to

1142
00:40:16,039 --> 00:40:17,900
know in any given moment

1143
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:20,860
where my head is at. That's not fair

1144
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:21,579
to you

1145
00:40:21,994 --> 00:40:24,474
because it's not. It's not. Because on a

1146
00:40:24,474 --> 00:40:26,554
on a day where I'm feeling kind of

1147
00:40:26,554 --> 00:40:29,035
vulnerable and I'm feeling, like, worn down and

1148
00:40:29,035 --> 00:40:30,335
I'm, you know, I'm overwhelmed,

1149
00:40:30,635 --> 00:40:31,614
I might want

1150
00:40:32,235 --> 00:40:34,554
more of the decisions made for me, the

1151
00:40:34,554 --> 00:40:36,974
the easy stuff. Right? But also,

1152
00:40:37,369 --> 00:40:39,469
I might my anxiety desperately

1153
00:40:40,010 --> 00:40:41,710
has me try to seek control.

1154
00:40:43,690 --> 00:40:45,469
And my fear of being misunderstood

1155
00:40:45,929 --> 00:40:47,849
makes me over communicate. I don't know if

1156
00:40:47,849 --> 00:40:49,710
y'all have noticed in the past ten years.

1157
00:40:50,650 --> 00:40:53,045
And so that's that that's a combination

1158
00:40:53,344 --> 00:40:55,505
that does not look like submission from the

1159
00:40:55,505 --> 00:40:56,005
outside,

1160
00:40:56,945 --> 00:40:58,565
or from the inside sometimes.

1161
00:40:59,824 --> 00:41:00,324
So

1162
00:41:00,784 --> 00:41:02,945
then the next conversation was, okay. Well, what

1163
00:41:02,945 --> 00:41:05,025
does that look like? And again, I still

1164
00:41:05,025 --> 00:41:06,210
have not not asked this man to commit

1165
00:41:06,210 --> 00:41:07,170
to, are you gonna tell me what to

1166
00:41:07,170 --> 00:41:08,210
do? Are you gonna let me shut my

1167
00:41:08,210 --> 00:41:10,769
brain off? Can I like, that he's gotta

1168
00:41:10,769 --> 00:41:12,289
think about that? And that for me is

1169
00:41:12,289 --> 00:41:14,369
the uneven point. Like, I have thoughts. I've

1170
00:41:14,369 --> 00:41:15,969
been thinking for weeks. I was like, I

1171
00:41:15,969 --> 00:41:17,264
could use this and I could use that.

1172
00:41:17,824 --> 00:41:18,464
And I've been watching our life and I

1173
00:41:18,464 --> 00:41:19,204
could pull,

1174
00:41:19,904 --> 00:41:21,904
examples. If you remember that time, that would

1175
00:41:21,904 --> 00:41:23,424
have been great. You remember this? That would

1176
00:41:23,424 --> 00:41:24,864
have been great. And poor Jamie is like,

1177
00:41:24,864 --> 00:41:26,545
I've just been over here trying to fucking

1178
00:41:26,545 --> 00:41:28,085
survive the summer.

1179
00:41:28,864 --> 00:41:30,545
I need time to think about it. So

1180
00:41:30,545 --> 00:41:33,045
I was sharing a lot. Yeah.

1181
00:41:35,069 --> 00:41:35,889
And thankfully,

1182
00:41:36,269 --> 00:41:38,289
he did not have to use his communication

1183
00:41:38,589 --> 00:41:40,510
safe word. If you are new here or

1184
00:41:40,510 --> 00:41:41,650
if you do not remember,

1185
00:41:42,109 --> 00:41:44,210
when I start over communicating,

1186
00:41:44,510 --> 00:41:46,144
whether it's too much information

1187
00:41:46,925 --> 00:41:48,525
or it's just gone on too long because

1188
00:41:48,525 --> 00:41:51,265
I keep repeating myself or it's whatever,

1189
00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:53,965
we we have a safe word for it.

1190
00:41:53,965 --> 00:41:55,824
And JB says the word and I know

1191
00:41:55,965 --> 00:41:56,945
he's done.

1192
00:41:57,244 --> 00:41:59,985
And I don't I don't worry about that.

1193
00:42:00,659 --> 00:42:01,880
When I'm talking about something

1194
00:42:02,739 --> 00:42:04,819
very important to me or very difficult, I

1195
00:42:04,819 --> 00:42:06,179
do have that thought of, oh, have I

1196
00:42:06,179 --> 00:42:08,420
gone too far? The communication safe word was

1197
00:42:08,420 --> 00:42:10,659
not used. So No. I was giving him

1198
00:42:10,659 --> 00:42:12,839
plenty to think about. And I

1199
00:42:14,954 --> 00:42:16,875
knew this prior, but I when we started

1200
00:42:16,875 --> 00:42:19,594
having the conversation, my brain immediately went, you

1201
00:42:19,594 --> 00:42:21,515
are not gonna get answers today. Because I

1202
00:42:21,594 --> 00:42:23,135
he's not where I'm at.

1203
00:42:23,675 --> 00:42:26,235
Mhmm. That uneven thing. Right? I'm at this

1204
00:42:26,235 --> 00:42:28,699
point, he's a few steps behind, and he

1205
00:42:28,699 --> 00:42:31,339
might wanna shift the path a little bit

1206
00:42:31,339 --> 00:42:33,440
once he, you know, has time to think.

1207
00:42:33,819 --> 00:42:35,280
But we did talk about

1208
00:42:35,900 --> 00:42:37,519
some ways to navigate

1209
00:42:38,460 --> 00:42:39,014
how to

1210
00:42:39,974 --> 00:42:41,755
tell where Kayla's head is at.

1211
00:42:45,654 --> 00:42:46,554
One of those

1212
00:42:46,934 --> 00:42:48,074
is a literal

1213
00:42:48,534 --> 00:42:50,534
check-in. I was like, I said, I don't

1214
00:42:50,534 --> 00:42:51,849
wanna tell you what to do do because

1215
00:42:51,849 --> 00:42:52,969
you're the dumb here, and I'm trying to

1216
00:42:52,969 --> 00:42:55,150
get away from telling anybody what to do.

1217
00:42:56,170 --> 00:42:56,670
Like,

1218
00:42:57,530 --> 00:42:59,050
I was like, but you can literally just

1219
00:42:59,050 --> 00:43:00,809
ask. Is this a moment that I can

1220
00:43:00,809 --> 00:43:02,809
just make this decision or do you, you

1221
00:43:02,809 --> 00:43:04,170
know, do you wanna be a part of

1222
00:43:04,170 --> 00:43:05,485
this? And I was like, if you do

1223
00:43:05,485 --> 00:43:07,744
that, I'll let you know real quick

1224
00:43:08,045 --> 00:43:09,485
how I feel about it. Because I'll know

1225
00:43:09,485 --> 00:43:11,965
in the moment. I'll I'll know if I'm

1226
00:43:11,965 --> 00:43:13,965
overwhelmed by the idea of making a decision.

1227
00:43:13,965 --> 00:43:15,244
That's the moment I don't wanna make a

1228
00:43:15,244 --> 00:43:17,324
decision. Or if I have very strong thoughts

1229
00:43:17,324 --> 00:43:19,110
because for whatever reason, I have thought

1230
00:43:19,670 --> 00:43:20,489
about the,

1231
00:43:21,590 --> 00:43:22,950
the order in which we should do the

1232
00:43:22,950 --> 00:43:25,930
errands this Saturday for the most greatest efficiency,

1233
00:43:26,150 --> 00:43:27,829
and to use least amount of gas. And

1234
00:43:27,829 --> 00:43:29,349
can we get a little treat to eat?

1235
00:43:29,349 --> 00:43:30,630
And will I get my diet? And I've

1236
00:43:30,630 --> 00:43:32,410
already mapped it out in my head. So

1237
00:43:32,630 --> 00:43:35,034
ask me me because I have thoughts. Right?

1238
00:43:37,094 --> 00:43:39,974
Do I understand how insane that might sound

1239
00:43:39,974 --> 00:43:42,214
to some of you and how familiar it

1240
00:43:42,214 --> 00:43:43,755
might sound to others? Yes.

1241
00:43:46,489 --> 00:43:48,489
But then and this is the thing we've

1242
00:43:48,489 --> 00:43:48,989
been

1243
00:43:50,329 --> 00:43:52,409
working through that has nothing to do with

1244
00:43:52,409 --> 00:43:54,269
power exchange or everything to do with communication.

1245
00:43:56,409 --> 00:43:56,909
If,

1246
00:43:57,210 --> 00:44:00,190
as I suspect I am Mhmm. I am

1247
00:44:01,134 --> 00:44:01,634
neurodivergent,

1248
00:44:02,174 --> 00:44:02,674
likely

1249
00:44:02,974 --> 00:44:04,194
ADHD, ADHD,

1250
00:44:04,494 --> 00:44:05,394
and autistic.

1251
00:44:05,855 --> 00:44:07,634
Very likely, but I don't know for

1252
00:44:08,815 --> 00:44:10,194
sure. I have I have

1253
00:44:11,454 --> 00:44:13,855
I've known how I communicate, but I've learned

1254
00:44:13,855 --> 00:44:14,610
some things about it,

1255
00:44:15,250 --> 00:44:16,849
and I'm getting very clear. And something about

1256
00:44:16,849 --> 00:44:18,930
sort of accepting that that is probably who

1257
00:44:18,930 --> 00:44:19,590
I am,

1258
00:44:20,050 --> 00:44:20,550
the

1259
00:44:20,930 --> 00:44:21,730
like, it's just

1260
00:44:22,930 --> 00:44:24,230
some of those traits

1261
00:44:24,769 --> 00:44:26,230
that I've had a very, like,

1262
00:44:27,184 --> 00:44:30,224
firm lock on for forty plus years, they're

1263
00:44:30,224 --> 00:44:33,105
just blossoming out. Oh, poor JB. I don't

1264
00:44:33,105 --> 00:44:34,465
think he knows what to do with it

1265
00:44:34,465 --> 00:44:34,965
sometimes.

1266
00:44:35,585 --> 00:44:36,644
But it does mean

1267
00:44:37,264 --> 00:44:38,945
I understand myself a little bit better than

1268
00:44:38,945 --> 00:44:41,025
I once did. And once you spend literal

1269
00:44:41,025 --> 00:44:43,570
weeks just in your head, just just swimming

1270
00:44:43,570 --> 00:44:45,650
in there with thoughts and not actually speaking

1271
00:44:45,650 --> 00:44:46,630
them, sometimes

1272
00:44:47,010 --> 00:44:47,670
you formulate

1273
00:44:47,969 --> 00:44:50,210
them to where you can speak them. And

1274
00:44:50,210 --> 00:44:51,670
I said I was like, look.

1275
00:44:52,530 --> 00:44:53,750
Because one of JB's

1276
00:44:55,089 --> 00:44:55,589
annoyances,

1277
00:44:55,889 --> 00:44:56,389
but,

1278
00:44:57,329 --> 00:44:59,025
not an annoyance like, god, I fucking hate

1279
00:44:59,244 --> 00:45:01,085
that, but more like, oh, there she goes

1280
00:45:01,085 --> 00:45:01,585
again,

1281
00:45:02,445 --> 00:45:03,184
is that

1282
00:45:03,565 --> 00:45:05,905
I will sometimes ask a lot of questions

1283
00:45:06,844 --> 00:45:09,664
and or many times over something simple,

1284
00:45:10,045 --> 00:45:12,224
like a conversation about ground beef and noodles.

1285
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:14,599
Have you thought about this? But don't forget

1286
00:45:14,599 --> 00:45:15,719
about this. But you need to think about

1287
00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:16,940
this. But and he

1288
00:45:18,039 --> 00:45:20,780
look. I've been reading people from the fucking,

1289
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:24,440
cradle. I know when somebody is annoyed with

1290
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:25,260
me. Okay?

1291
00:45:27,175 --> 00:45:28,534
And I had to explain to him in

1292
00:45:28,534 --> 00:45:30,234
that moment since we're talking about

1293
00:45:30,534 --> 00:45:32,295
you can't know if I want you to

1294
00:45:32,295 --> 00:45:34,135
lead or if I don't want you or

1295
00:45:34,135 --> 00:45:35,894
if I wanna be part of this more

1296
00:45:35,894 --> 00:45:37,574
without the check-in. It's like, but here's the

1297
00:45:37,574 --> 00:45:38,934
thing I need you to understand because it

1298
00:45:38,934 --> 00:45:40,795
has been a point of contention for us

1299
00:45:41,014 --> 00:45:43,236
a lot over When I ask a lot

1300
00:45:43,236 --> 00:45:45,935
of questions or when I think of a

1301
00:45:45,935 --> 00:45:48,634
lot of details, that is my anxiety. That

1302
00:45:48,634 --> 00:45:51,333
is me wanting to make sure that you

1303
00:45:51,333 --> 00:45:54,031
have all of the information you need or

1304
00:45:54,031 --> 00:45:56,730
could ever conceive of even if you don't

1305
00:45:56,730 --> 00:45:59,164
need it to make a a decision. And

1306
00:45:59,164 --> 00:46:00,684
part of that does come from the several

1307
00:46:00,684 --> 00:46:03,085
years where make a wrong step and your

1308
00:46:03,085 --> 00:46:05,324
bank account is, like, not at zero, but

1309
00:46:05,324 --> 00:46:08,385
it's, like, negative something. Right? Like, every decision

1310
00:46:08,445 --> 00:46:10,385
for a long time felt very

1311
00:46:10,910 --> 00:46:12,989
fraught. Like, if you make the wrong choice,

1312
00:46:12,989 --> 00:46:14,690
you have fucked things up.

1313
00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:17,550
And I didn't need those few years to

1314
00:46:17,550 --> 00:46:19,710
to think like this, but it just heightened

1315
00:46:19,710 --> 00:46:20,369
it. It

1316
00:46:20,750 --> 00:46:22,769
just turned it up to 11.

1317
00:46:23,309 --> 00:46:24,989
And so then we sat and we had

1318
00:46:24,989 --> 00:46:25,570
a conversation

1319
00:46:25,934 --> 00:46:28,894
about how, yes, my communication styles are a

1320
00:46:28,894 --> 00:46:31,535
little different than they once did were. And

1321
00:46:31,535 --> 00:46:34,195
also, this is what this means. Like,

1322
00:46:34,494 --> 00:46:36,755
I can't stop you from having that momentary

1323
00:46:36,894 --> 00:46:37,394
annoyance

1324
00:46:37,695 --> 00:46:39,394
because I get it. It's annoying,

1325
00:46:40,610 --> 00:46:43,730
but there's it's not because I'm oblivious. Like,

1326
00:46:43,730 --> 00:46:44,710
I'm hyperaware

1327
00:46:45,809 --> 00:46:47,730
to the extent that I'm hyperaware of how

1328
00:46:47,730 --> 00:46:49,730
you're reacting, and I'm hyperaware of all the

1329
00:46:49,730 --> 00:46:52,050
things that I can conceive of, which isn't

1330
00:46:52,050 --> 00:46:54,223
everything. It's just what I can conceive of.

1331
00:46:54,223 --> 00:46:56,430
That's a lot of pressure because I know

1332
00:46:56,430 --> 00:46:58,636
that I don't know things, and then I

1333
00:46:58,636 --> 00:47:00,842
worry that the thing I don't know is

1334
00:47:00,842 --> 00:47:03,049
the thing we need to know to make

1335
00:47:03,049 --> 00:47:05,460
the best, most efficient possible decision about fucking

1336
00:47:05,460 --> 00:47:07,960
something like ground beef and noodles. Like,

1337
00:47:09,380 --> 00:47:12,340
we are not I think we've we've scarred

1338
00:47:12,340 --> 00:47:13,000
some folks

1339
00:47:13,380 --> 00:47:14,119
from putting

1340
00:47:14,579 --> 00:47:16,579
beef and ground beef and noodles on their

1341
00:47:16,579 --> 00:47:17,079
grocery

1342
00:47:17,539 --> 00:47:20,039
store. Don't do it. Don't do it.

1343
00:47:20,954 --> 00:47:23,275
Don't do it. It's fraud. It's I don't

1344
00:47:23,275 --> 00:47:24,715
know what it'll do to the state of

1345
00:47:24,715 --> 00:47:25,535
your relationship.

1346
00:47:28,155 --> 00:47:30,515
Now the thing I wanna ask you Okay.

1347
00:47:30,715 --> 00:47:32,635
Because we didn't really talk about it. You

1348
00:47:32,635 --> 00:47:34,555
did the thing I love about you, which

1349
00:47:34,555 --> 00:47:36,250
is when I know that you truly are

1350
00:47:36,250 --> 00:47:37,789
considering what I'm saying

1351
00:47:38,090 --> 00:47:40,170
and or you're understanding it a new a

1352
00:47:40,170 --> 00:47:41,289
new light. You get this look on your

1353
00:47:41,289 --> 00:47:42,170
face and you go,

1354
00:47:42,650 --> 00:47:44,010
And that's what you do. And your head

1355
00:47:44,010 --> 00:47:46,090
bobs and go, And I'm like, he got

1356
00:47:46,090 --> 00:47:48,110
it. That was a light bulb moment. Yeah.

1357
00:47:48,809 --> 00:47:49,875
Fucking love that shit.

1358
00:47:50,514 --> 00:47:52,835
When we were talking about checking in and

1359
00:47:52,835 --> 00:47:54,755
when we were talking about, hey, please understand

1360
00:47:54,755 --> 00:47:56,914
my communication. I'll work on it on my

1361
00:47:56,914 --> 00:47:59,235
end to be less of this, but also

1362
00:47:59,235 --> 00:48:00,534
this is what this means.

1363
00:48:00,994 --> 00:48:03,030
What are you thinking? What's going through your

1364
00:48:03,030 --> 00:48:04,630
mind? Where are you at with all that?

1365
00:48:04,630 --> 00:48:06,150
What have you gone through for us to

1366
00:48:06,150 --> 00:48:07,210
get to this point?

1367
00:48:11,110 --> 00:48:12,170
Oh, the journey.

1368
00:48:15,954 --> 00:48:17,894
Oh, where how did I get all well,

1369
00:48:19,074 --> 00:48:20,135
I know. Yeah.

1370
00:48:23,875 --> 00:48:26,054
It's it's been a it it's been

1371
00:48:27,554 --> 00:48:28,559
a bit of a tough

1372
00:48:30,079 --> 00:48:31,460
walk for me with that.

1373
00:48:32,559 --> 00:48:34,640
I know. As the one who watches you

1374
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:35,539
get really annoyed,

1375
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:36,500
I know.

1376
00:48:36,880 --> 00:48:37,940
I know.

1377
00:48:40,239 --> 00:48:41,780
You know, I don't know. It's

1378
00:48:45,864 --> 00:48:47,704
again, it's one of those things, you know,

1379
00:48:47,704 --> 00:48:49,724
I know that about you. Mhmm.

1380
00:48:50,585 --> 00:48:51,085
And,

1381
00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:53,704
you know, kinda like with with the meat,

1382
00:48:53,704 --> 00:48:55,864
I think things were just I was such

1383
00:48:55,864 --> 00:48:56,684
on a

1384
00:48:59,219 --> 00:49:01,000
straw that broke the camel's back

1385
00:49:01,380 --> 00:49:01,880
moment.

1386
00:49:02,340 --> 00:49:02,840
Mhmm.

1387
00:49:03,460 --> 00:49:03,960
Okay.

1388
00:49:05,539 --> 00:49:07,940
And, you know, at the same time, I

1389
00:49:07,940 --> 00:49:08,679
I realize

1390
00:49:10,579 --> 00:49:12,179
because of who you are and what you

1391
00:49:12,179 --> 00:49:12,840
do, and

1392
00:49:13,300 --> 00:49:14,764
it's important to take

1393
00:49:16,025 --> 00:49:17,484
care of you. I mean, yes. Yeah.

1394
00:49:17,864 --> 00:49:20,744
But I can't I can't, air quote this,

1395
00:49:20,744 --> 00:49:23,625
allow you to take care of me to

1396
00:49:23,625 --> 00:49:24,444
your detriment.

1397
00:49:25,464 --> 00:49:27,704
Can I do it in the other direction?

1398
00:49:27,704 --> 00:49:29,464
Of course, I can. That's what I do.

1399
00:49:29,464 --> 00:49:31,139
That's who I am. It's what I live

1400
00:49:31,519 --> 00:49:34,079
for. But I like, there's a and that's

1401
00:49:34,079 --> 00:49:36,079
another thing I've been contending with of Mhmm.

1402
00:49:36,239 --> 00:49:36,739
What

1403
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:37,860
I deserve.

1404
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:40,340
Right? Now you

1405
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:42,019
you know

1406
00:49:42,559 --> 00:49:44,264
that I'm really bad at taking care of

1407
00:49:44,264 --> 00:49:45,565
myself. I mean, I

1408
00:49:46,025 --> 00:49:48,184
look. Nobody, air quote, needs a dom or

1409
00:49:48,184 --> 00:49:49,784
sub. Like, it's a thing you want and

1410
00:49:49,784 --> 00:49:52,025
you hopefully, maybe you need the person you

1411
00:49:52,025 --> 00:49:53,625
love, but, like, right right. We're we're

1412
00:49:55,545 --> 00:49:56,045
no.

1413
00:49:56,489 --> 00:49:57,630
I need somebody.

1414
00:49:58,329 --> 00:50:00,489
Well, yeah. Absolutely. Because care of me. Because

1415
00:50:00,570 --> 00:50:03,050
you do. Because You won't do it. No.

1416
00:50:03,050 --> 00:50:04,809
You won't. You you are the type of

1417
00:50:04,809 --> 00:50:05,309
person.

1418
00:50:05,769 --> 00:50:08,349
You will do everything in your power

1419
00:50:08,885 --> 00:50:10,644
for for the youngest, for the oldest. You

1420
00:50:10,644 --> 00:50:12,505
will bend over backwards for everybody

1421
00:50:13,684 --> 00:50:14,585
except yourself.

1422
00:50:14,885 --> 00:50:15,385
Mhmm.

1423
00:50:16,324 --> 00:50:18,164
I really need therapy because there's more it's

1424
00:50:18,164 --> 00:50:19,525
not just being a mom. It's not just

1425
00:50:19,525 --> 00:50:22,085
being submissive. There's some deep seated shit there.

1426
00:50:22,085 --> 00:50:23,784
Yeah. And and, you know,

1427
00:50:25,679 --> 00:50:28,659
yeah. I I see where I could have

1428
00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:32,739
jumped in more.

1429
00:50:33,119 --> 00:50:34,239
I mean, you can always see that in

1430
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:34,739
retrospect.

1431
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:35,940
So,

1432
00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:38,559
you know, that that's a lot of what

1433
00:50:38,559 --> 00:50:39,219
I've been

1434
00:50:39,525 --> 00:50:40,184
been noodling

1435
00:50:40,964 --> 00:50:43,204
on in all this. Mhmm. I mean, I

1436
00:50:43,204 --> 00:50:44,424
look forward to when

1437
00:50:44,804 --> 00:50:46,724
the noodles are cooked and you're ready to

1438
00:50:46,724 --> 00:50:48,744
serve, and tell me what you're noodling.

1439
00:50:49,525 --> 00:50:51,364
Did I did I do that that,

1440
00:50:51,924 --> 00:50:53,944
weird analogy justice? Okay. Good.

1441
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:56,220
And I I I think,

1442
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,360
you know, probably by this weekend, we'll we

1443
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:00,760
can have,

1444
00:51:02,599 --> 00:51:04,059
some more of a talk and

1445
00:51:04,519 --> 00:51:05,500
Yeah. K.

1446
00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:08,300
Yeah. It's it's funny. When I think about

1447
00:51:08,765 --> 00:51:10,864
that side of myself as a submissive.

1448
00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:12,364
There is something

1449
00:51:13,244 --> 00:51:15,565
I really need a therapist, y'all. Look, for

1450
00:51:15,565 --> 00:51:17,005
anybody who's like, stop talking about it. Go

1451
00:51:17,005 --> 00:51:18,445
get a fucking therapist. Well, when I can

1452
00:51:18,445 --> 00:51:20,780
afford the fucking co pay or to to

1453
00:51:20,780 --> 00:51:23,260
pay the ones who don't take insurance, I

1454
00:51:23,260 --> 00:51:25,039
will. Okay? Mhmm.

1455
00:51:25,739 --> 00:51:27,199
There's nothing like thinking,

1456
00:51:27,659 --> 00:51:30,059
am I losing my fucking mind? Did I

1457
00:51:30,059 --> 00:51:32,219
forget how to function as a human that

1458
00:51:32,219 --> 00:51:33,795
might make you go, I could really use

1459
00:51:33,795 --> 00:51:35,714
a therapist. And if I could have one,

1460
00:51:35,714 --> 00:51:36,454
I would.

1461
00:51:37,795 --> 00:51:38,295
But

1462
00:51:39,394 --> 00:51:41,414
shit. I did that to myself. I just

1463
00:51:41,954 --> 00:51:44,195
derailed the train. The track went that way,

1464
00:51:44,195 --> 00:51:45,875
and I came back this way. I know.

1465
00:51:45,875 --> 00:51:46,375
Oh,

1466
00:51:47,074 --> 00:51:47,815
I'm back.

1467
00:51:49,010 --> 00:51:50,949
There is a part of me,

1468
00:51:51,329 --> 00:51:52,389
probably a

1469
00:51:52,929 --> 00:51:54,789
a not small part of me,

1470
00:51:55,489 --> 00:51:57,250
that and I think this is my baby

1471
00:51:57,250 --> 00:51:59,329
girl side. The it's not just the being

1472
00:51:59,329 --> 00:52:01,250
taken care of, and that is very subjective.

1473
00:52:01,250 --> 00:52:02,925
Like, I mean, different things to different people,

1474
00:52:02,925 --> 00:52:04,684
and it'll mean different things to me at

1475
00:52:04,684 --> 00:52:06,305
different times and different points.

1476
00:52:06,684 --> 00:52:08,864
But there's something about the feeling special.

1477
00:52:09,565 --> 00:52:11,664
Right? The feeling seen.

1478
00:52:12,045 --> 00:52:12,545
The

1479
00:52:13,405 --> 00:52:15,885
because this is very much from early, early

1480
00:52:15,885 --> 00:52:17,025
days. The,

1481
00:52:18,420 --> 00:52:20,019
and I don't mean this in a monogamous

1482
00:52:20,019 --> 00:52:21,239
way. I mean this in

1483
00:52:21,619 --> 00:52:24,359
a the chemistry is, like, explosive.

1484
00:52:24,659 --> 00:52:27,219
We only have eyes for me, only have

1485
00:52:27,219 --> 00:52:28,599
eyes for each other.

1486
00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:30,920
We're the center of each other's

1487
00:52:31,585 --> 00:52:33,824
in those moments. Sphere. Yeah. Right? And, you

1488
00:52:33,824 --> 00:52:36,144
know, reality being what it is, that's not

1489
00:52:36,144 --> 00:52:37,585
how you don't get to live your life

1490
00:52:37,585 --> 00:52:38,724
that way long term.

1491
00:52:39,265 --> 00:52:41,844
You know, there's jobs, there's children, there's

1492
00:52:42,224 --> 00:52:44,704
pets. There like, there's stuff that means you

1493
00:52:44,704 --> 00:52:46,710
have to, like, look outward and, like, go

1494
00:52:46,710 --> 00:52:48,570
be a responsible fucking adult

1495
00:52:48,869 --> 00:52:50,170
more often than not.

1496
00:52:51,190 --> 00:52:51,690
And

1497
00:52:52,309 --> 00:52:55,190
a little bit of what you know, the

1498
00:52:55,190 --> 00:52:56,469
thing when I think, okay, what am I

1499
00:52:56,469 --> 00:52:58,150
missing? It's not just turning my brain off.

1500
00:52:58,150 --> 00:53:00,389
It's not just being a silly goofy baby

1501
00:53:00,389 --> 00:53:02,244
girl. It you know, it's not just that

1502
00:53:02,244 --> 00:53:04,085
feeling of being taken care of. It is

1503
00:53:04,324 --> 00:53:04,724
Mhmm.

1504
00:53:05,125 --> 00:53:07,144
Feeling special in some way. And you

1505
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:09,445
have always had this ability, and I I

1506
00:53:09,445 --> 00:53:10,965
don't think it's, like, a purposeful thing. I

1507
00:53:10,965 --> 00:53:12,585
think it's just who you are and how

1508
00:53:12,644 --> 00:53:14,324
you interact with people you care about and

1509
00:53:14,324 --> 00:53:16,110
just, you know, how you interact with me

1510
00:53:16,750 --> 00:53:17,250
specifically.

1511
00:53:18,110 --> 00:53:20,750
You have this ability to to make me

1512
00:53:20,750 --> 00:53:22,590
feel like I'm the only person in the

1513
00:53:22,590 --> 00:53:24,510
room, and I am all you can think

1514
00:53:24,510 --> 00:53:27,150
about. Now I'm a a grown ass adult

1515
00:53:27,150 --> 00:53:29,355
lady. I know that's not necessarily true. I

1516
00:53:29,355 --> 00:53:30,795
know what it is to be able to

1517
00:53:30,795 --> 00:53:32,474
focus your attention in the moment and still

1518
00:53:32,474 --> 00:53:34,235
have several tabs open at the back of

1519
00:53:34,235 --> 00:53:36,155
your brain. I know that but it's a

1520
00:53:36,155 --> 00:53:37,534
feeling. It's a vibe

1521
00:53:37,994 --> 00:53:40,474
more than me being worried that literally the

1522
00:53:40,474 --> 00:53:42,255
only thing on your mind is me because

1523
00:53:42,315 --> 00:53:44,250
that just sounds creepy. I'm not I'm not

1524
00:53:44,250 --> 00:53:44,750
sure.

1525
00:53:45,130 --> 00:53:46,590
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

1526
00:53:48,890 --> 00:53:49,390
But

1527
00:53:50,890 --> 00:53:53,210
yeah. So, like, there's all these I think

1528
00:53:53,210 --> 00:53:55,289
part of it is I'm seeking feelings. I'm

1529
00:53:55,289 --> 00:53:55,789
seeking

1530
00:53:56,570 --> 00:53:57,070
moments,

1531
00:53:58,265 --> 00:54:00,344
And I don't I don't I won't know

1532
00:54:00,344 --> 00:54:02,425
until we're kind of trying it out again

1533
00:54:02,425 --> 00:54:02,925
how

1534
00:54:03,385 --> 00:54:06,344
how often I need that, want that, how

1535
00:54:06,344 --> 00:54:08,825
often you wanna do that. You know, what

1536
00:54:08,825 --> 00:54:11,085
will be enough to make me

1537
00:54:13,099 --> 00:54:15,260
to to refill the well, so to speak?

1538
00:54:15,260 --> 00:54:15,760
Mhmm.

1539
00:54:16,059 --> 00:54:17,519
Is it just a little bit?

1540
00:54:18,300 --> 00:54:19,679
Maybe. I mean,

1541
00:54:20,780 --> 00:54:22,860
maybe. I you know, sitting here talking about

1542
00:54:22,860 --> 00:54:25,360
it. So the the concept of masking

1543
00:54:25,739 --> 00:54:26,719
is a very

1544
00:54:29,184 --> 00:54:30,724
big thing when we're talking about neurodivergency.

1545
00:54:31,105 --> 00:54:32,464
And to a certain extent, I think this

1546
00:54:32,464 --> 00:54:33,905
probably is a part of that. But people

1547
00:54:33,905 --> 00:54:35,505
can mask for reasons that are not about

1548
00:54:35,505 --> 00:54:36,244
being neurodivergent.

1549
00:54:36,704 --> 00:54:38,244
Sometimes you have to present

1550
00:54:39,105 --> 00:54:41,134
a a form of yourself to the world

1551
00:54:41,134 --> 00:54:41,250
for safety, for this, for that, for whatever.

1552
00:54:41,250 --> 00:54:41,844
And I think,

1553
00:54:45,359 --> 00:54:46,019
And I

1554
00:54:47,119 --> 00:54:48,420
think part of

1555
00:54:49,039 --> 00:54:49,780
what I've

1556
00:54:50,079 --> 00:54:52,000
I've personally done over the past several years

1557
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:53,380
when everything went wonky

1558
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:54,980
is

1559
00:54:55,599 --> 00:54:57,585
the mask I have worn is

1560
00:54:58,224 --> 00:55:00,704
I will stay calm and I've got this

1561
00:55:00,704 --> 00:55:01,204
together

1562
00:55:02,224 --> 00:55:02,724
because

1563
00:55:03,505 --> 00:55:06,324
JB needs that. Because if I'm falling apart,

1564
00:55:07,184 --> 00:55:08,244
well, we're fucked.

1565
00:55:08,625 --> 00:55:09,364
Right? Because

1566
00:55:10,625 --> 00:55:12,784
not because you can't do anything. You are

1567
00:55:12,784 --> 00:55:15,660
more than capable. But I was watching you

1568
00:55:17,559 --> 00:55:19,880
almost come so close to crumbling under the

1569
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:21,260
weight of it

1570
00:55:21,719 --> 00:55:24,780
because sadly, we were experiencing that a thing

1571
00:55:25,079 --> 00:55:27,474
that I had lived all of my childhood

1572
00:55:27,474 --> 00:55:29,175
in and the entirety

1573
00:55:29,474 --> 00:55:30,375
of my twenties

1574
00:55:30,675 --> 00:55:31,815
in that kind of

1575
00:55:32,195 --> 00:55:34,675
survival mode. Mhmm. And you had had very

1576
00:55:34,675 --> 00:55:36,514
little to no experience with it. And I

1577
00:55:36,514 --> 00:55:38,514
know. It, you know, it fucked with your

1578
00:55:38,514 --> 00:55:40,675
sense of self on top of everything else.

1579
00:55:40,675 --> 00:55:43,460
Right? True. And so I sort of just

1580
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:44,980
put on the

1581
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:46,420
I've got this

1582
00:55:47,039 --> 00:55:49,679
kind of face and the persona. And to

1583
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:51,920
and part of it made me feel good.

1584
00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:52,739
It was control.

1585
00:55:53,360 --> 00:55:55,360
I was taking care of you. I was

1586
00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:57,059
being of service to you.

1587
00:55:58,125 --> 00:55:58,704
I was,

1588
00:55:59,005 --> 00:55:59,744
you know,

1589
00:56:01,005 --> 00:56:01,905
trying to

1590
00:56:03,565 --> 00:56:05,505
do what I could so you could navigate

1591
00:56:05,565 --> 00:56:07,664
this whole thing in a way

1592
00:56:08,844 --> 00:56:10,605
where you were gonna be stressed no matter

1593
00:56:10,605 --> 00:56:11,670
what, but you didn't have to take on

1594
00:56:11,670 --> 00:56:12,570
extra burdens.

1595
00:56:15,829 --> 00:56:17,589
And I don't think I know how

1596
00:56:18,389 --> 00:56:20,389
I think I'm just now getting the part

1597
00:56:20,389 --> 00:56:21,690
where I'm ready to

1598
00:56:22,469 --> 00:56:24,550
take that mask off. I'm ready to be

1599
00:56:24,550 --> 00:56:26,284
softer. I'm ready to

1600
00:56:26,784 --> 00:56:27,284
be

1601
00:56:28,184 --> 00:56:30,025
it feels weird to say more vulnerable because

1602
00:56:30,025 --> 00:56:32,505
we're pretty fucking vulnerable with one another in

1603
00:56:32,505 --> 00:56:34,284
private and clearly in public.

1604
00:56:34,585 --> 00:56:36,905
But there is a vulnerability in being taken

1605
00:56:36,905 --> 00:56:38,204
care of. There is a vulnerability

1606
00:56:38,664 --> 00:56:41,440
in Yeah. Allowing somebody to make some decisions

1607
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:43,780
for you, even if they're small decisions. Right?

1608
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:45,780
And I have always felt

1609
00:56:46,480 --> 00:56:47,860
a huge vulnerability

1610
00:56:48,720 --> 00:56:49,220
in

1611
00:56:50,000 --> 00:56:51,300
my baby girl side

1612
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:53,385
because I'm not

1613
00:56:54,085 --> 00:56:55,305
immune or unaware

1614
00:56:56,005 --> 00:56:56,985
of how

1615
00:56:57,285 --> 00:56:59,684
without the perception of that from the outside.

1616
00:56:59,684 --> 00:57:02,025
Right? I also know that my children,

1617
00:57:02,325 --> 00:57:04,664
one of whom is technically an adult,

1618
00:57:05,364 --> 00:57:06,905
still a baby adult, but whatever,

1619
00:57:07,340 --> 00:57:08,780
have never seen a side of me like

1620
00:57:08,780 --> 00:57:10,619
that. And so it feels very strange that

1621
00:57:10,619 --> 00:57:11,440
even in,

1622
00:57:12,059 --> 00:57:13,920
non kinky, non, like,

1623
00:57:14,699 --> 00:57:17,340
adult way that they could come across seeing

1624
00:57:17,340 --> 00:57:19,659
me in that mode, just that relaxed and

1625
00:57:19,659 --> 00:57:21,980
that, you know, watching my Disney movies and,

1626
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:23,199
you know, whatever whatever.

1627
00:57:23,954 --> 00:57:25,494
Because we would keep a lot of that,

1628
00:57:26,275 --> 00:57:27,715
behind closed doors where they couldn't see it.

1629
00:57:27,715 --> 00:57:30,595
But some things, you're just doing shit. And

1630
00:57:30,595 --> 00:57:31,875
I'm feeling like a baby girl. That's a

1631
00:57:31,875 --> 00:57:33,954
vulnerability that I don't think I don't think

1632
00:57:33,954 --> 00:57:36,055
my children have ever seen me that soft.

1633
00:57:36,630 --> 00:57:38,710
I'm not I'm not sure they wouldn't know

1634
00:57:38,710 --> 00:57:40,489
what to do with it. Who are you?

1635
00:57:40,710 --> 00:57:41,210
And

1636
00:57:41,829 --> 00:57:42,650
to be

1637
00:57:43,829 --> 00:57:46,710
aware of all that, to understand that Mhmm.

1638
00:57:46,949 --> 00:57:48,710
There's an entire part of your life that's

1639
00:57:48,710 --> 00:57:50,795
never seen you like that. I mean, the

1640
00:57:50,795 --> 00:57:52,474
last time my own family saw me like

1641
00:57:52,474 --> 00:57:54,494
that, I was a literal child. Right?

1642
00:57:55,195 --> 00:57:56,735
It's not quite the same.

1643
00:57:58,075 --> 00:58:00,075
And we I didn't feel like I had

1644
00:58:00,075 --> 00:58:01,275
the luxury of that. I didn't feel like

1645
00:58:01,275 --> 00:58:03,215
you had the luxury of that softness.

1646
00:58:03,675 --> 00:58:05,295
And now it's like I wanna

1647
00:58:05,889 --> 00:58:08,050
crack open the shield, take the mask off,

1648
00:58:08,050 --> 00:58:09,650
and just like and I don't even quite

1649
00:58:09,650 --> 00:58:11,269
know how to do it

1650
00:58:11,650 --> 00:58:12,150
anymore.

1651
00:58:13,090 --> 00:58:14,929
And I have this part of me that's

1652
00:58:14,929 --> 00:58:16,849
like, I just I just want JB to

1653
00:58:16,849 --> 00:58:19,510
do it, and I'll just follow. And yet,

1654
00:58:20,125 --> 00:58:22,445
because of, you know, blah blah blah, the

1655
00:58:22,445 --> 00:58:23,825
past, I keep saying it,

1656
00:58:25,965 --> 00:58:28,545
I am terrified of asking for too much

1657
00:58:28,925 --> 00:58:30,445
from you. The thing the thing that I

1658
00:58:30,445 --> 00:58:32,364
think about in all this, you know, when

1659
00:58:32,364 --> 00:58:33,105
when we

1660
00:58:34,659 --> 00:58:36,440
began this journey Mhmm.

1661
00:58:38,739 --> 00:58:41,300
You know, kind of embraced the the whole

1662
00:58:41,300 --> 00:58:43,300
daddy baby girl thing in a sense by

1663
00:58:43,300 --> 00:58:45,800
accident. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It

1664
00:58:46,099 --> 00:58:47,400
kind of grew,

1665
00:58:49,015 --> 00:58:50,315
what was the word, organically.

1666
00:58:51,054 --> 00:58:51,554
Mhmm.

1667
00:58:52,295 --> 00:58:54,775
Mhmm. And and now looking at trying to

1668
00:58:54,775 --> 00:58:56,954
get back back at it, like, you know,

1669
00:58:58,855 --> 00:59:00,389
how is this gonna be? Is it gonna,

1670
00:59:00,389 --> 00:59:02,150
you know, is it gonna be even mean?

1671
00:59:02,150 --> 00:59:03,750
Yeah. Is it gonna be as easy as

1672
00:59:03,750 --> 00:59:05,029
it was last time? Is it gonna be

1673
00:59:05,109 --> 00:59:05,750
you know, what

1674
00:59:06,309 --> 00:59:08,889
Right. What does it look like? Yeah. Mhmm.

1675
00:59:09,029 --> 00:59:11,449
Yep. Mhmm. Yep. Mhmm. Yep.

1676
00:59:11,829 --> 00:59:13,635
Yeah. I mean, I've I've noticed over the

1677
00:59:13,635 --> 00:59:15,574
past few years things that I gravitated

1678
00:59:16,114 --> 00:59:16,614
towards

1679
00:59:17,155 --> 00:59:18,594
in the early days of our relationship, in

1680
00:59:18,594 --> 00:59:20,594
the early days of, like, figuring out what

1681
00:59:20,594 --> 00:59:22,515
submission meant to me and all that. Like,

1682
00:59:22,515 --> 00:59:24,355
I love the good stuffed animal. Oh my

1683
00:59:24,355 --> 00:59:25,875
god. Give me a good teddy bear. Give

1684
00:59:25,875 --> 00:59:27,839
me a good if they were cute, if

1685
00:59:27,839 --> 00:59:30,000
they were sparkly, if God help you if

1686
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,619
they were soft. Oh my god.

1687
00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:32,420
And

1688
00:59:33,199 --> 00:59:34,819
I am on the shelf there.

1689
00:59:37,199 --> 00:59:38,719
I I know. I have them I have

1690
00:59:38,719 --> 00:59:41,125
them here in my office around you know?

1691
00:59:41,664 --> 00:59:42,864
Because I was like, I don't want them

1692
00:59:42,864 --> 00:59:44,625
in the bedroom. They'll just gather dust, and

1693
00:59:44,625 --> 00:59:46,405
then that's the thing. I gotta move around.

1694
00:59:47,105 --> 00:59:48,784
But I don't when I and I'm like,

1695
00:59:48,784 --> 00:59:50,545
did I outgrow this, or am I just

1696
00:59:50,545 --> 00:59:52,545
so disconnected from that part of myself? When

1697
00:59:52,545 --> 00:59:53,204
I see

1698
00:59:54,839 --> 00:59:57,019
stuffed animals, I see stuffies, I see

1699
00:59:57,639 --> 01:00:00,279
squishmallows. Like, squishmallows should be up my fucking

1700
01:00:00,279 --> 01:00:01,579
alley, and I'm just

1701
01:00:02,519 --> 01:00:03,019
I'm

1702
01:00:03,319 --> 01:00:03,819
ambivalent.

1703
01:00:04,519 --> 01:00:06,394
Now I don't think I'm fully ambivalent because

1704
01:00:06,394 --> 01:00:08,074
I am desperate for the youngest who does

1705
01:00:08,074 --> 01:00:10,175
love a good squishmallow. Let's let's be real.

1706
01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:12,474
I like I'm I'm checking them because their

1707
01:00:12,474 --> 01:00:14,714
birthday's coming up and I'm like, you love

1708
01:00:14,714 --> 01:00:16,394
these two. You literally are using them as

1709
01:00:16,394 --> 01:00:18,315
pillows. They're in your bed every night. Would

1710
01:00:18,315 --> 01:00:20,394
you like some more? Because in my head,

1711
01:00:20,394 --> 01:00:22,329
I'm like, please give me a fucking excuse

1712
01:00:22,869 --> 01:00:24,010
to buy these things.

1713
01:00:24,869 --> 01:00:26,409
And that's kind of where I've

1714
01:00:27,030 --> 01:00:29,349
Okay. Gotten on on that side of myself.

1715
01:00:29,349 --> 01:00:31,269
The things that I did grab when you

1716
01:00:31,269 --> 01:00:32,010
ask you,

1717
01:00:32,309 --> 01:00:32,550
you'll

1718
01:00:33,269 --> 01:00:34,949
we're gonna do an episode next week about

1719
01:00:34,949 --> 01:00:36,815
our experience with the obedience app.

1720
01:00:37,514 --> 01:00:38,734
But spoiler,

1721
01:00:39,755 --> 01:00:40,734
one of my

1722
01:00:41,114 --> 01:00:42,715
I could turn my points in for a

1723
01:00:42,715 --> 01:00:45,054
prize kind of thing on the obedience app

1724
01:00:45,355 --> 01:00:47,195
is like to watch a Disney movie or

1725
01:00:47,195 --> 01:00:48,734
an animated movie or whatever whatever.

1726
01:00:49,114 --> 01:00:49,614
And

1727
01:00:50,280 --> 01:00:52,760
more recently, like, within the past six months,

1728
01:00:52,760 --> 01:00:54,760
six to nine months, you've been asking more

1729
01:00:54,760 --> 01:00:56,920
often, would you do you wanna watch a

1730
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:58,519
a Disney movie? Do you wanna watch this?

1731
01:00:58,519 --> 01:01:00,679
And we even that was something we even

1732
01:01:00,679 --> 01:01:01,420
talked about

1733
01:01:01,719 --> 01:01:03,099
in in great depth,

1734
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:04,934
couple weeks back.

1735
01:01:05,414 --> 01:01:08,055
You know, about go watching a lot of

1736
01:01:08,055 --> 01:01:10,775
these older Mhmm. Going back to a lot

1737
01:01:10,775 --> 01:01:12,135
of these older shows, a lot of, you

1738
01:01:12,135 --> 01:01:12,875
know, movies

1739
01:01:13,494 --> 01:01:14,715
and stuff that,

1740
01:01:16,215 --> 01:01:18,150
you know, kind of fall into all that.

1741
01:01:18,549 --> 01:01:20,869
And yet, in the moment when it's time

1742
01:01:20,869 --> 01:01:22,089
to think about it,

1743
01:01:24,309 --> 01:01:24,549
I'm a

1744
01:01:27,269 --> 01:01:29,269
I come across as apathetic. I know that.

1745
01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:31,369
I'm like, whatever. It's fine. Whatever.

1746
01:01:31,905 --> 01:01:33,344
But there's a part of me in my

1747
01:01:33,344 --> 01:01:34,405
head that's like,

1748
01:01:35,184 --> 01:01:36,085
is this okay?

1749
01:01:36,785 --> 01:01:38,085
Is this the right decision?

1750
01:01:41,025 --> 01:01:42,704
Will I still enjoy this? Like, I have

1751
01:01:42,704 --> 01:01:44,945
these and that's another thing. We have been

1752
01:01:44,945 --> 01:01:45,539
talking about

1753
01:01:47,460 --> 01:01:47,780
some of these things. And then because I'm

1754
01:01:47,780 --> 01:01:49,000
recognizing that

1755
01:01:49,860 --> 01:01:51,380
in a moment like this, the thing I'm

1756
01:01:51,380 --> 01:01:53,140
like, I want that. When I get to

1757
01:01:53,140 --> 01:01:54,840
the moment of having it, I'm like,

1758
01:01:56,420 --> 01:01:57,880
whatever. And that's

1759
01:01:59,614 --> 01:02:00,114
that's

1760
01:02:00,414 --> 01:02:02,255
new for me to be like, whatever. And

1761
01:02:02,255 --> 01:02:04,175
I can't help but wonder if it's I've

1762
01:02:04,175 --> 01:02:04,675
just

1763
01:02:06,094 --> 01:02:07,635
has it been so long

1764
01:02:08,175 --> 01:02:08,675
that

1765
01:02:09,375 --> 01:02:10,914
I've gone back to

1766
01:02:11,250 --> 01:02:13,889
I've almost regressed in my acceptance of my

1767
01:02:13,889 --> 01:02:14,949
own submission because,

1768
01:02:16,769 --> 01:02:18,690
accepting that I was a service sub, fucking

1769
01:02:18,690 --> 01:02:21,329
easy. Accepting I was a masochist, fucking easy.

1770
01:02:21,329 --> 01:02:23,030
Accepting I was a baby girl,

1771
01:02:23,650 --> 01:02:25,269
that took a hot minute.

1772
01:02:25,835 --> 01:02:27,694
And I accept it now.

1773
01:02:28,394 --> 01:02:29,994
I do accept it. I mean, I use

1774
01:02:29,994 --> 01:02:31,295
the label. I I

1775
01:02:31,674 --> 01:02:33,295
want to have those feelings,

1776
01:02:33,914 --> 01:02:36,094
but I don't know if it's that

1777
01:02:36,714 --> 01:02:38,980
the things that you the actual activities that

1778
01:02:38,980 --> 01:02:41,239
used to, like, let me have that moment

1779
01:02:41,780 --> 01:02:44,360
just are no longer right. Or if there's

1780
01:02:44,500 --> 01:02:45,000
something

1781
01:02:45,940 --> 01:02:46,920
mental, emotional,

1782
01:02:47,460 --> 01:02:48,840
some you know,

1783
01:02:49,380 --> 01:02:51,300
a vulner a a lack of willingness to

1784
01:02:51,300 --> 01:02:53,684
be vulnerable. I don't know that makes me

1785
01:02:53,684 --> 01:02:56,164
hesitate because I fuck I still to this

1786
01:02:56,164 --> 01:02:57,445
day like, if you told me that we

1787
01:02:57,445 --> 01:02:58,744
could go watch some Tangled,

1788
01:02:59,204 --> 01:03:00,965
I fucking love that movie. I love that

1789
01:03:00,965 --> 01:03:02,565
movie. I love that movie so much and

1790
01:03:02,565 --> 01:03:03,545
I don't know why.

1791
01:03:04,485 --> 01:03:06,184
Like, the idea of it,

1792
01:03:07,204 --> 01:03:08,039
super excited.

1793
01:03:08,519 --> 01:03:10,300
The opportunity to do it,

1794
01:03:12,599 --> 01:03:13,420
I don't know.

1795
01:03:14,519 --> 01:03:15,160
Is it the

1796
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:17,320
this is a I think this is a

1797
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:19,480
little bit of the conditioning from the past

1798
01:03:19,480 --> 01:03:22,059
several years. Is the air quote the right

1799
01:03:22,280 --> 01:03:22,780
choice?

1800
01:03:24,574 --> 01:03:25,454
99%

1801
01:03:25,454 --> 01:03:26,894
of the time, there's no fucking right or

1802
01:03:26,894 --> 01:03:28,654
wrong choice. There is just a choice and

1803
01:03:28,654 --> 01:03:29,554
then you, like,

1804
01:03:29,934 --> 01:03:31,614
go with it and, like, deal with it.

1805
01:03:31,614 --> 01:03:34,114
But I'm been very stuck in the

1806
01:03:34,734 --> 01:03:36,034
air quote right choice.

1807
01:03:36,974 --> 01:03:37,474
And

1808
01:03:37,855 --> 01:03:39,635
and I think there's a little bit

1809
01:03:40,820 --> 01:03:41,320
of

1810
01:03:41,940 --> 01:03:44,340
there's a part of me that kind of

1811
01:03:44,340 --> 01:03:46,420
wishes you would just take that choice away

1812
01:03:46,420 --> 01:03:47,480
and just decide.

1813
01:03:47,780 --> 01:03:48,280
Because

1814
01:03:49,300 --> 01:03:51,059
I think if I first of all, if

1815
01:03:51,059 --> 01:03:52,360
I really didn't want to,

1816
01:03:52,820 --> 01:03:53,559
I'm not

1817
01:03:54,315 --> 01:03:56,335
shy. I'm not afraid of speaking up.

1818
01:03:57,434 --> 01:03:59,994
If I feel if if I had the

1819
01:03:59,994 --> 01:04:02,954
moment and it still felt wrong, I would

1820
01:04:02,954 --> 01:04:04,234
say that I'd be like, there's something about

1821
01:04:04,234 --> 01:04:05,994
this that feels wrong. So maybe I've outgrown

1822
01:04:05,994 --> 01:04:07,434
this. Maybe there are other things I need

1823
01:04:07,434 --> 01:04:08,219
to seek out.

1824
01:04:09,019 --> 01:04:09,519
Right?

1825
01:04:09,900 --> 01:04:11,900
But I know this will sound off topic,

1826
01:04:11,900 --> 01:04:13,260
but I think this is my baby girl

1827
01:04:13,260 --> 01:04:15,340
side. There are things that I am drawn

1828
01:04:15,340 --> 01:04:16,880
to, like, in social media, like,

1829
01:04:17,500 --> 01:04:18,639
styles that people

1830
01:04:19,099 --> 01:04:21,099
wear and and colors that people wear and

1831
01:04:21,099 --> 01:04:23,505
and clothing and the way you know? And

1832
01:04:23,505 --> 01:04:25,505
I'll be drawn to it and think that

1833
01:04:25,505 --> 01:04:27,264
is so cool. That is so I you

1834
01:04:27,264 --> 01:04:28,784
know? And what I'll say is I wish

1835
01:04:28,784 --> 01:04:29,824
I could do that. And part of that's

1836
01:04:29,824 --> 01:04:32,244
a financial thing. Like, it costs money to

1837
01:04:32,864 --> 01:04:34,545
not have gray and white hair that you

1838
01:04:34,545 --> 01:04:35,525
don't wanna have.

1839
01:04:36,784 --> 01:04:37,284
And

1840
01:04:38,369 --> 01:04:40,769
being plus size, it is not easy to

1841
01:04:40,769 --> 01:04:42,929
find the cute clothes. Certainly not at a

1842
01:04:42,929 --> 01:04:45,190
thrift store. Certainly not when you live,

1843
01:04:45,569 --> 01:04:47,409
where a lot of the the, like, elderly

1844
01:04:47,409 --> 01:04:49,109
live and they don't dress that way necessarily.

1845
01:04:49,170 --> 01:04:50,849
So, like, I recognize that part of it,

1846
01:04:50,849 --> 01:04:52,494
I could go thrifting. Part of it's a

1847
01:04:52,494 --> 01:04:54,994
limitation that's just a financial limitation.

1848
01:04:55,695 --> 01:04:57,315
But then there's a part of me that

1849
01:04:58,094 --> 01:05:00,494
is drawn to it, but then immediately my

1850
01:05:00,494 --> 01:05:02,255
brain goes, that's not for me. Now I

1851
01:05:02,255 --> 01:05:04,275
don't know what for me is because I'm

1852
01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:05,619
I'm not happy,

1853
01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:08,079
like, with my current style, with my current

1854
01:05:08,079 --> 01:05:09,699
look, with like, I'm not.

1855
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:10,900
But

1856
01:05:11,519 --> 01:05:14,400
when I start gravitating towards something that I'm

1857
01:05:14,400 --> 01:05:16,320
like, oh, I kinda like that. My brain

1858
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:18,204
immediately goes, yeah. That's not for me. And

1859
01:05:18,204 --> 01:05:20,444
I can't I'm wondering there is a connection

1860
01:05:20,444 --> 01:05:21,724
here. I swear to God. First of all,

1861
01:05:21,724 --> 01:05:23,105
I think if I was more

1862
01:05:23,405 --> 01:05:25,005
in tune with my baby girl self, I

1863
01:05:25,005 --> 01:05:26,925
would dress differently. I think I would I

1864
01:05:26,925 --> 01:05:29,244
would I'm of an age and I'm not

1865
01:05:29,244 --> 01:05:31,230
having to be around, around like elementary school

1866
01:05:31,230 --> 01:05:32,050
moms anymore.

1867
01:05:32,349 --> 01:05:33,789
I'm of an age where there's a part

1868
01:05:33,789 --> 01:05:35,789
of me that really does not care except

1869
01:05:35,789 --> 01:05:37,070
that part of me also. There's a part

1870
01:05:37,070 --> 01:05:38,269
of me that hates to be perceived and

1871
01:05:38,269 --> 01:05:40,269
goddamn it, when you wear something that is

1872
01:05:40,269 --> 01:05:42,289
not the air quote mom uniform,

1873
01:05:42,994 --> 01:05:44,375
you get fucking perceived.

1874
01:05:45,635 --> 01:05:48,195
But I you know, is that that's not

1875
01:05:48,195 --> 01:05:49,094
for me feeling

1876
01:05:49,635 --> 01:05:52,594
the same thing that's stopping me from what

1877
01:05:52,594 --> 01:05:54,755
I classified for myself years ago as my

1878
01:05:54,755 --> 01:05:57,090
baby girl stuff. Does that make sense? Yeah.

1879
01:05:57,170 --> 01:05:57,670
Mhmm.

1880
01:05:58,130 --> 01:05:59,110
Yep. Yep. Yep.

1881
01:06:00,289 --> 01:06:01,430
So Yep.

1882
01:06:03,329 --> 01:06:05,250
But yeah. I get it because even when

1883
01:06:05,250 --> 01:06:06,869
we got when we

1884
01:06:07,329 --> 01:06:08,150
got married,

1885
01:06:08,530 --> 01:06:09,969
you know, you were very much in your,

1886
01:06:10,289 --> 01:06:11,269
Oh my god.

1887
01:06:11,864 --> 01:06:13,625
I love looking at those pictures. We were

1888
01:06:13,625 --> 01:06:16,184
grinning. Those are such big ass fucking smiles.

1889
01:06:16,184 --> 01:06:17,784
That was such a good day. But I

1890
01:06:17,784 --> 01:06:19,545
mean, the the dress you wore and everything,

1891
01:06:19,545 --> 01:06:21,598
that was all your Oh, god. I still

1892
01:06:21,704 --> 01:06:23,945
your your baby girl. Never wear. That thing

1893
01:06:23,945 --> 01:06:26,250
would barely fit on my left tit now.

1894
01:06:26,250 --> 01:06:28,250
But I that is one thing I that

1895
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:30,250
I don't wanna get rid of. It's not

1896
01:06:30,250 --> 01:06:31,930
gonna be an heirloom. It was I think

1897
01:06:31,930 --> 01:06:34,489
it was an Amazon dress. I fucking love

1898
01:06:34,489 --> 01:06:34,989
that

1899
01:06:35,930 --> 01:06:37,789
thing. I fucking love that thing.

1900
01:06:38,410 --> 01:06:39,230
But yeah.

1901
01:06:39,664 --> 01:06:41,264
Yeah. I have my hair curled, and then

1902
01:06:41,264 --> 01:06:42,864
I was reminded that my hair only holds

1903
01:06:42,864 --> 01:06:44,965
a curl for about three point two seconds.

1904
01:06:45,344 --> 01:06:45,744
Yeah.

1905
01:06:46,385 --> 01:06:47,744
I have my makeup done, and then I

1906
01:06:47,744 --> 01:06:49,425
was reminded that, oh god, the moment you

1907
01:06:49,425 --> 01:06:50,864
get hot, it melts off my face. I

1908
01:06:50,864 --> 01:06:53,184
got that kind of skin. Didn't fucking care.

1909
01:06:53,184 --> 01:06:55,559
Didn't fucking care. I was wearing

1910
01:06:56,339 --> 01:06:58,900
my checks, my purple checks, and my purple

1911
01:06:58,900 --> 01:07:01,079
dress, and I had a silver gray

1912
01:07:01,619 --> 01:07:03,799
crinoline thing underneath. And I

1913
01:07:04,339 --> 01:07:06,500
was feeling myself. You were. You were. Oh

1914
01:07:06,500 --> 01:07:07,799
my god. You were.

1915
01:07:08,135 --> 01:07:09,755
Oh my god. You were.

1916
01:07:10,214 --> 01:07:10,454
So

1917
01:07:11,175 --> 01:07:11,655
So

1918
01:07:12,694 --> 01:07:13,194
Yeah.

1919
01:07:15,894 --> 01:07:18,694
Yeah. So that's kinda like Yeah. What

1920
01:07:19,494 --> 01:07:20,909
as you could tell, there's not

1921
01:07:21,469 --> 01:07:23,469
solutions. There's not a, here's what we're doing,

1922
01:07:23,469 --> 01:07:24,210
and this is

1923
01:07:24,589 --> 01:07:27,230
it's just a It's a process. It's a

1924
01:07:27,230 --> 01:07:29,549
process, and it's let me go back to

1925
01:07:29,549 --> 01:07:31,329
the title. It's uneven.

1926
01:07:31,710 --> 01:07:33,230
I'm at a space that JB is not

1927
01:07:33,230 --> 01:07:35,409
quite at yet. Mhmm. Part of that is

1928
01:07:35,744 --> 01:07:38,265
I think I shared new information today. Like,

1929
01:07:38,704 --> 01:07:40,465
some of that was stream of consciousness. I

1930
01:07:40,465 --> 01:07:43,105
had not said all of that before. So

1931
01:07:43,105 --> 01:07:45,345
the more I share, the more JB has

1932
01:07:45,345 --> 01:07:47,425
to think about. And then when he's thought,

1933
01:07:47,425 --> 01:07:48,704
he will share with me, and then I

1934
01:07:48,704 --> 01:07:49,530
will think, and

1935
01:07:50,250 --> 01:07:52,170
we'll go from there. But it's it is

1936
01:07:52,170 --> 01:07:54,269
uneven. I'm at a point where I'm articulating

1937
01:07:54,409 --> 01:07:54,909
clearly.

1938
01:07:55,210 --> 01:07:56,969
Mhmm. This is what I miss, and this

1939
01:07:56,969 --> 01:07:58,409
is what I think I want, and this

1940
01:07:58,409 --> 01:08:00,010
is what I'm afraid of wanting, and that,

1941
01:08:00,010 --> 01:08:01,150
you know, all of that.

1942
01:08:01,610 --> 01:08:03,070
And he's not there yet.

1943
01:08:03,369 --> 01:08:05,355
And then nonlinear, if you had said six

1944
01:08:05,355 --> 01:08:07,114
months ago that that this was gonna be

1945
01:08:07,114 --> 01:08:08,894
a point where you were gonna be like,

1946
01:08:09,195 --> 01:08:10,875
y'all and I this is not exaggeration. It

1947
01:08:10,875 --> 01:08:12,255
was laying in bed

1948
01:08:13,195 --> 01:08:13,695
crying.

1949
01:08:15,195 --> 01:08:15,934
Not like

1950
01:08:16,395 --> 01:08:18,975
racked with sobs but, like, just

1951
01:08:19,949 --> 01:08:20,930
feeling very vulnerable,

1952
01:08:21,630 --> 01:08:22,130
worried,

1953
01:08:22,829 --> 01:08:24,829
finally saying the thing. I didn't email it.

1954
01:08:24,829 --> 01:08:27,069
I just used my words. That's

1955
01:08:27,550 --> 01:08:28,369
that's uncomfortable.

1956
01:08:30,829 --> 01:08:32,130
And and it's,

1957
01:08:32,510 --> 01:08:33,170
you know,

1958
01:08:33,869 --> 01:08:35,625
and then, like, Debbie said, it's a process.

1959
01:08:35,625 --> 01:08:37,545
We don't I don't have any answers, but

1960
01:08:37,545 --> 01:08:39,864
this is I cannot believe that this is

1961
01:08:39,864 --> 01:08:42,744
somehow unique to us. This is relationships one

1962
01:08:42,744 --> 01:08:44,425
zero one and just add some power exchange

1963
01:08:44,425 --> 01:08:45,965
on top. And the power exchange,

1964
01:08:46,265 --> 01:08:49,484
I think, can both help and complicate help

1965
01:08:49,625 --> 01:08:50,925
because if you're both

1966
01:08:51,840 --> 01:08:53,859
confident in your in each other

1967
01:08:54,239 --> 01:08:56,320
and you have the communication skills, you can

1968
01:08:56,320 --> 01:08:59,060
just say the fucking thing. Mhmm. But complicated

1969
01:08:59,359 --> 01:08:59,859
because

1970
01:09:00,479 --> 01:09:03,280
this isn't about negotiating who's gonna wash dishes.

1971
01:09:03,280 --> 01:09:04,340
This is about negotiating.

1972
01:09:05,039 --> 01:09:06,960
Hey. To my Dom, could you, like, take

1973
01:09:06,960 --> 01:09:08,475
on this extra responsibility

1974
01:09:08,854 --> 01:09:11,095
and like, you know, just decide things for

1975
01:09:11,095 --> 01:09:13,175
me and be my brain everyone. That's a

1976
01:09:13,175 --> 01:09:14,315
big fucking responsibility.

1977
01:09:14,935 --> 01:09:17,414
Right? Or to a sub, hey, can you

1978
01:09:17,414 --> 01:09:20,350
be like your most fucking vulnerable for me?

1979
01:09:20,350 --> 01:09:23,149
Out of nowhere with very little warning, it

1980
01:09:23,149 --> 01:09:25,630
might just happen because I'm gonna want you

1981
01:09:25,630 --> 01:09:26,989
to turn your brain off or I'm gonna

1982
01:09:27,069 --> 01:09:27,569
Alakazam.

1983
01:09:28,029 --> 01:09:29,329
Right. Like, those that

1984
01:09:30,029 --> 01:09:32,189
that can make it so much better when

1985
01:09:32,189 --> 01:09:33,869
it works, when it's with the right person,

1986
01:09:33,869 --> 01:09:35,885
when you are kind of in the at

1987
01:09:35,885 --> 01:09:38,364
the same point to some extent. But it's

1988
01:09:38,364 --> 01:09:41,324
a complication. That's an added layer of trying

1989
01:09:41,324 --> 01:09:42,065
to navigate,

1990
01:09:43,244 --> 01:09:45,905
you know, relationships like this. Mhmm.

1991
01:09:46,845 --> 01:09:47,345
So

1992
01:09:51,630 --> 01:09:53,229
I could keep talking, but I don't think

1993
01:09:53,229 --> 01:09:54,909
I have anything new to say. Is there

1994
01:09:54,909 --> 01:09:55,409
anything

1995
01:09:55,869 --> 01:09:57,970
that you're thinking about that you

1996
01:09:59,070 --> 01:10:01,789
No. No. No. On your mind? Mm-mm. Any

1997
01:10:01,789 --> 01:10:04,510
hints you wanna drop so that all of

1998
01:10:04,510 --> 01:10:06,045
them will probably get it before I do?

1999
01:10:06,045 --> 01:10:07,744
Because sometimes I am fucking clueless.

2000
01:10:08,604 --> 01:10:10,385
No. You need to goddamn it.

2001
01:10:11,404 --> 01:10:13,024
So so no decisions.

2002
01:10:14,925 --> 01:10:16,364
I mean, I know it'll you won't just

2003
01:10:16,364 --> 01:10:18,225
spring anything on me. There'll be a conversation.

2004
01:10:18,524 --> 01:10:20,640
Unless it's something we've already talked about. Okay.

2005
01:10:20,640 --> 01:10:22,159
This will come up next week because if

2006
01:10:22,159 --> 01:10:23,360
I don't fucking say it, then I'll be

2007
01:10:23,360 --> 01:10:24,820
mad. But I'm a say it now.

2008
01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:28,720
Our using trying out the obedience app, it

2009
01:10:28,720 --> 01:10:29,920
was one of those things we had talked

2010
01:10:29,920 --> 01:10:32,079
about it weeks and weeks before and then

2011
01:10:32,079 --> 01:10:34,005
never followed up. And then JB went, yeah.

2012
01:10:34,005 --> 01:10:35,444
We'll do this. And he just set it

2013
01:10:35,444 --> 01:10:37,545
up, and I got a link texted to

2014
01:10:37,844 --> 01:10:39,064
me. And I was like,

2015
01:10:40,005 --> 01:10:41,704
I'm so glad we had this conversation

2016
01:10:42,085 --> 01:10:44,324
already. We did have the conversation. We talked

2017
01:10:44,324 --> 01:10:47,125
about doing it several times, actually. Oh, it's

2018
01:10:47,125 --> 01:10:48,804
never been Not just one. We'd and we

2019
01:10:49,045 --> 01:10:50,876
yeah. That's a great idea. We should do

2020
01:10:50,876 --> 01:10:53,020
it. Yeah. It's a great idea. And I

2021
01:10:53,020 --> 01:10:54,539
was like, fuck it. I'm gonna do it.

2022
01:10:54,539 --> 01:10:56,640
And I fucking and and I was

2023
01:10:57,020 --> 01:10:59,979
I was amused by it because typically we

2024
01:10:59,979 --> 01:11:01,500
talk about a thing and then five minutes

2025
01:11:01,500 --> 01:11:02,479
later we do it.

2026
01:11:02,939 --> 01:11:04,479
And I did have that, like,

2027
01:11:05,235 --> 01:11:06,994
content creator moment of, well, I'm glad our

2028
01:11:06,994 --> 01:11:08,835
communication skills are good because I would not

2029
01:11:08,835 --> 01:11:10,614
advise anybody else to do that.

2030
01:11:11,074 --> 01:11:12,375
But then I was like

2031
01:11:13,155 --> 01:11:13,895
and then

2032
01:11:14,195 --> 01:11:16,595
then then the submissive part of me went,

2033
01:11:16,595 --> 01:11:18,675
oh, he just fucking decided and he just

2034
01:11:18,675 --> 01:11:19,335
did it.

2035
01:11:19,869 --> 01:11:21,170
And, a little sexy.

2036
01:11:21,710 --> 01:11:23,409
But we will talk more about that next

2037
01:11:23,789 --> 01:11:24,530
week. So

2038
01:11:25,150 --> 01:11:25,650
Yeah.

2039
01:11:26,510 --> 01:11:29,150
Yeah. I guess I guess that's plenty. Okay.

2040
01:11:29,470 --> 01:11:31,970
We could do a bonus section. Okay. Mhmm.

2041
01:11:32,510 --> 01:11:32,989
So,

2042
01:11:33,710 --> 01:11:35,085
are we good? I don't fucking

2043
01:11:36,604 --> 01:11:38,765
know. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see

2044
01:11:38,765 --> 01:11:39,585
you next week.

2045
01:11:49,630 --> 01:11:52,829
Toddy. Yes, baby. Can we talk to the

2046
01:11:52,829 --> 01:11:55,150
crickets about anything other than my deepest, darkest

2047
01:11:55,150 --> 01:11:57,150
thoughts and vulnerabilities and all my concerns and

2048
01:11:57,150 --> 01:11:59,229
crying into my pillow? Anything anything other than

2049
01:11:59,229 --> 01:12:00,590
that. Can we talk to anything else? Yes.

2050
01:12:00,590 --> 01:12:02,145
Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes.

2051
01:12:03,965 --> 01:12:05,484
Can I tell you that I don't think

2052
01:12:05,484 --> 01:12:06,844
there's any level of,

2053
01:12:07,164 --> 01:12:09,725
drugs that will keep Ella from being spicy

2054
01:12:09,725 --> 01:12:11,585
at the vet? Yeah. No. No.

2055
01:12:12,364 --> 01:12:14,045
I I you know, when you I saw

2056
01:12:14,045 --> 01:12:14,704
the text.

2057
01:12:15,530 --> 01:12:17,050
I did take Ella back to the vet

2058
01:12:17,050 --> 01:12:17,550
today.

2059
01:12:18,010 --> 01:12:19,310
And all I thought was,

2060
01:12:19,850 --> 01:12:20,750
you know, yeah.

2061
01:12:21,850 --> 01:12:24,190
You know, I've I've been I I remember

2062
01:12:24,250 --> 01:12:26,650
as young, you know, I've been stoned. I've

2063
01:12:26,650 --> 01:12:27,854
been hot drunk.

2064
01:12:28,414 --> 01:12:30,414
And there's that one thing, man, that just

2065
01:12:30,414 --> 01:12:31,795
snap you right out of it.

2066
01:12:32,734 --> 01:12:34,975
And I've and that, you know And Ellis

2067
01:12:34,975 --> 01:12:36,994
is being at the fucking vet. Yeah.

2068
01:12:37,375 --> 01:12:38,895
So couple weeks ago, and we I'm sure

2069
01:12:38,895 --> 01:12:40,814
we talked about it the last episode prior

2070
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,239
to this because we had the week off.

2071
01:12:42,400 --> 01:12:43,520
Took her to the vet, needed to do

2072
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:44,180
blood work,

2073
01:12:44,720 --> 01:12:46,720
and checking her out for, like, the pee

2074
01:12:46,720 --> 01:12:48,640
thing, whatever. And they could not get the

2075
01:12:48,640 --> 01:12:49,920
blood. It would have stressed her out. They're

2076
01:12:49,920 --> 01:12:51,840
like, okay. Come back. Well, we tried to

2077
01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:53,280
come back in a week. Couldn't do that

2078
01:12:53,280 --> 01:12:54,560
because that was the day the kid was

2079
01:12:54,560 --> 01:12:56,260
moving. So we rescheduled it,

2080
01:12:57,045 --> 01:12:59,045
took her today. And they had called and

2081
01:12:59,045 --> 01:13:00,024
said, okay. Look.

2082
01:13:01,284 --> 01:13:03,304
Give her the sedative give her the gabapentin

2083
01:13:03,524 --> 01:13:06,425
at night, and then give her another dose

2084
01:13:06,564 --> 01:13:08,324
at the right time in the morning. And

2085
01:13:08,324 --> 01:13:10,005
I and I had thought it was strange

2086
01:13:10,005 --> 01:13:11,340
when they told us to only give it

2087
01:13:11,340 --> 01:13:13,179
to her in the morning previously. Yeah. But

2088
01:13:13,179 --> 01:13:14,159
it was a different,

2089
01:13:14,859 --> 01:13:16,939
type. Different doctrine and different type of Right.

2090
01:13:16,939 --> 01:13:18,380
So it was like, okay. Maybe this is

2091
01:13:18,380 --> 01:13:20,800
stronger. Maybe there's more. I don't fucking know.

2092
01:13:22,939 --> 01:13:24,719
So we do, and she is

2093
01:13:25,475 --> 01:13:27,875
high as a goddamn kite. This morning, she's

2094
01:13:27,875 --> 01:13:30,854
like she can't walk straight. She's like, listing

2095
01:13:30,914 --> 01:13:31,814
to the side.

2096
01:13:32,515 --> 01:13:34,354
Pick her up, and she's just, like, almost

2097
01:13:34,354 --> 01:13:36,454
boneless. She's just so relaxed.

2098
01:13:37,470 --> 01:13:40,130
I get her into the carrier. No problem.

2099
01:13:41,150 --> 01:13:43,070
Get her into the car. No problem. And

2100
01:13:43,070 --> 01:13:44,510
that was how it was different from last

2101
01:13:44,510 --> 01:13:46,750
time. Because last time, the moment she was

2102
01:13:46,750 --> 01:13:48,110
in the car, she started meowing and I

2103
01:13:48,110 --> 01:13:49,090
had to keep my,

2104
01:13:49,550 --> 01:13:51,390
fingers kinda, like, in the open part so

2105
01:13:51,390 --> 01:13:52,704
she could rub up against it and know

2106
01:13:52,704 --> 01:13:53,524
she wasn't alone.

2107
01:13:54,145 --> 01:13:56,085
Nope. Quiet. We get to the vet.

2108
01:13:56,944 --> 01:13:59,125
The moment we walk through the door,

2109
01:13:59,824 --> 01:14:01,765
she starts meowing, and she has,

2110
01:14:02,465 --> 01:14:04,465
I love her so much, a slightly grating

2111
01:14:04,465 --> 01:14:06,944
meow. Like, the first couple times you're like,

2112
01:14:06,944 --> 01:14:09,229
okay. There's Ella. And by the fifth, you're

2113
01:14:09,229 --> 01:14:10,829
like, oh my god. I need you shut

2114
01:14:10,829 --> 01:14:13,310
up. So I'm doing the it's okay. It's

2115
01:14:13,310 --> 01:14:15,630
okay. Boom. They're all checking. Did you give

2116
01:14:15,630 --> 01:14:17,310
her the gab? I gave her the gab.

2117
01:14:17,310 --> 01:14:19,550
I promise she's stone. Last night and this

2118
01:14:19,550 --> 01:14:22,604
morning. Right. Now last time at the vet,

2119
01:14:22,604 --> 01:14:23,965
when we were in the exam room and

2120
01:14:23,965 --> 01:14:25,804
I took her out of the carrier, she

2121
01:14:25,804 --> 01:14:27,965
let me cuddle her and she just leaned

2122
01:14:27,965 --> 01:14:29,484
into me and she was like, I don't

2123
01:14:29,484 --> 01:14:31,744
like all this but you're here. It's fine.

2124
01:14:31,804 --> 01:14:32,625
This time,

2125
01:14:33,085 --> 01:14:34,764
clearly she was like, bitch, I don't fucking

2126
01:14:34,764 --> 01:14:36,869
trust you. You brought me the fuck back.

2127
01:14:36,929 --> 01:14:38,849
I am holding her. She is no longer

2128
01:14:38,849 --> 01:14:41,090
acting high. She is trying to climb over

2129
01:14:41,090 --> 01:14:42,929
my shoulder. She's trying to get back in

2130
01:14:42,929 --> 01:14:44,689
the fucking carrier. She don't wanna run away.

2131
01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:46,689
She wants to not be right here. Mhmm.

2132
01:14:46,689 --> 01:14:48,630
And I'm like, you are more

2133
01:14:49,170 --> 01:14:52,024
active than you were last time. Right. I'm

2134
01:14:52,024 --> 01:14:53,564
like, okay. This is gonna be fun.

2135
01:14:54,024 --> 01:14:55,385
They did manage to do all the blood

2136
01:14:55,385 --> 01:14:56,764
draws they needed to do.

2137
01:14:57,625 --> 01:14:59,625
I think it's because there wasn't a lot

2138
01:14:59,625 --> 01:15:01,625
of poking and prodding. They went from, let

2139
01:15:01,625 --> 01:15:03,225
me just do our basic stuff we have

2140
01:15:03,225 --> 01:15:05,304
to do, get her back there. I'm sitting

2141
01:15:05,304 --> 01:15:07,739
there. I'm reading my book, and I just

2142
01:15:07,739 --> 01:15:08,239
hear,

2143
01:15:09,739 --> 01:15:10,479
and I'm like,

2144
01:15:11,179 --> 01:15:13,840
whoosh. Shit. Okay. You should sit the fan.

2145
01:15:13,979 --> 01:15:14,479
Okay.

2146
01:15:15,500 --> 01:15:16,000
Okay.

2147
01:15:19,824 --> 01:15:21,284
But yeah. So she

2148
01:15:21,984 --> 01:15:23,425
has not talked to me for the rest

2149
01:15:23,425 --> 01:15:25,185
of the fucking day. I have not seen

2150
01:15:25,185 --> 01:15:27,824
Ella no damn more. Normally, she is underfoot.

2151
01:15:27,824 --> 01:15:29,824
Normally, she's like, hey. Well Don't forget I

2152
01:15:29,824 --> 01:15:31,359
exist. You might forget to feed me even

2153
01:15:31,359 --> 01:15:33,199
though you've never done that in five fucking

2154
01:15:33,199 --> 01:15:35,199
years. I hadn't seen much of Onyx today

2155
01:15:35,199 --> 01:15:37,119
either. I think Onyx was like, I saw

2156
01:15:37,119 --> 01:15:38,159
what happened to her. I ain't

2157
01:15:39,119 --> 01:15:41,760
I know. Make myself scarce. I know. And

2158
01:15:41,760 --> 01:15:43,920
see, the day we go, okay, we you

2159
01:15:43,920 --> 01:15:45,994
know, thankfully Onyx, knock on wood, has been

2160
01:15:45,994 --> 01:15:48,074
healthy. She's eating fine. She's doing so, like,

2161
01:15:48,074 --> 01:15:49,994
yeah. She still needs her wellness checks. And

2162
01:15:49,994 --> 01:15:51,935
cats don't typically get those as often

2163
01:15:52,314 --> 01:15:54,494
as they should, and sometimes things get missed.

2164
01:15:54,795 --> 01:15:55,935
But, you know,

2165
01:15:57,274 --> 01:15:58,715
she she can go a little bit longer

2166
01:15:58,715 --> 01:16:00,750
if she needs to. Because when we do

2167
01:16:00,750 --> 01:16:03,149
her, they'll have to do twilight sedation. They

2168
01:16:03,149 --> 01:16:05,149
will have to knock her the fuck out,

2169
01:16:05,149 --> 01:16:07,310
and we get one chance to get her

2170
01:16:07,310 --> 01:16:09,729
in the carrier. Mhmm. And if we don't

2171
01:16:10,270 --> 01:16:12,270
get it right and grab her and get

2172
01:16:12,270 --> 01:16:14,024
her in, we will not see her for

2173
01:16:14,344 --> 01:16:16,104
eight to twelve hours. Yep. She will go

2174
01:16:16,104 --> 01:16:18,045
into deep hiding. Mhmm. So

2175
01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:19,324
yeah.

2176
01:16:20,904 --> 01:16:22,824
I'm like, Ella is the easy one, but

2177
01:16:22,824 --> 01:16:25,064
Ella will eat your face. Like, she just

2178
01:16:25,545 --> 01:16:27,920
The the the funniest thing I thought about

2179
01:16:27,920 --> 01:16:29,920
all that when you got her in the

2180
01:16:29,920 --> 01:16:32,399
carrier and, you know, went took her to

2181
01:16:32,399 --> 01:16:34,340
the front door and, you know,

2182
01:16:34,720 --> 01:16:37,199
Lola was very concerned about what was happening.

2183
01:16:37,280 --> 01:16:38,720
To follow me out the front door while

2184
01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:40,284
I was taking Ella to the car. I

2185
01:16:40,284 --> 01:16:42,545
was like and I texted JB. I'm like,

2186
01:16:42,604 --> 01:16:45,005
Lola seems very worried. Mhmm. I was like,

2187
01:16:45,005 --> 01:16:46,225
go check on your girl.

2188
01:16:46,765 --> 01:16:47,265
But

2189
01:16:48,204 --> 01:16:50,385
Yep. Yeah. So that was our adventure today.

2190
01:16:54,510 --> 01:16:57,229
Yeah. The oldest is home. Mhmm. He's had

2191
01:16:57,469 --> 01:16:58,449
he's he

2192
01:16:59,229 --> 01:17:00,289
took two classes,

2193
01:17:00,909 --> 01:17:02,989
some general ed classes that he need he'll

2194
01:17:02,989 --> 01:17:05,310
need for graduation, which he's just going to

2195
01:17:05,310 --> 01:17:07,715
be a junior this coming fall. But, like,

2196
01:17:07,715 --> 01:17:08,994
he's trying to get all that general ed

2197
01:17:08,994 --> 01:17:10,055
stuff out of the way.

2198
01:17:10,914 --> 01:17:12,695
And so even though he lives here,

2199
01:17:13,074 --> 01:17:14,695
he takes our one car

2200
01:17:16,274 --> 01:17:18,755
back and forth to and from the campus.

2201
01:17:18,914 --> 01:17:21,930
And a half one way. No. No? Hour?

2202
01:17:21,930 --> 01:17:23,230
Yeah. It's like an hour.

2203
01:17:23,610 --> 01:17:24,890
Depending on the type of day, depending on

2204
01:17:24,890 --> 01:17:27,610
traffic. Traffic. Yeah. And every time he leaves,

2205
01:17:27,770 --> 01:17:28,090
you know

2206
01:17:28,890 --> 01:17:30,890
when he started driving when he was in

2207
01:17:30,890 --> 01:17:32,250
high school, I every time he left, he'd

2208
01:17:32,250 --> 01:17:34,110
go, I love you. Be safe. Right?

2209
01:17:34,744 --> 01:17:36,265
So now I I'm back into doing that

2210
01:17:36,265 --> 01:17:38,265
and he rolls with it. But now I've

2211
01:17:38,265 --> 01:17:38,765
added

2212
01:17:39,545 --> 01:17:41,145
drive like you have to pay for the

2213
01:17:41,145 --> 01:17:44,364
ticket because you do. And he goes, okay.

2214
01:17:46,824 --> 01:17:49,225
Knock on wood. He's got the rest of

2215
01:17:49,225 --> 01:17:51,210
this week and then next week, and then

2216
01:17:51,210 --> 01:17:53,050
the because it's a summer session, they're it's

2217
01:17:53,050 --> 01:17:54,569
really short. Mhmm. And so he'll be home

2218
01:17:54,569 --> 01:17:57,050
for about a week with no classes. So

2219
01:17:57,289 --> 01:17:58,970
Yeah. I'm sure he'll go places and wanna

2220
01:17:58,970 --> 01:18:01,369
use the car, but we will have more

2221
01:18:01,369 --> 01:18:03,069
access to the car again.

2222
01:18:03,454 --> 01:18:05,774
And next, next week, there's a day where

2223
01:18:05,774 --> 01:18:07,375
we need the car, and I I did

2224
01:18:07,375 --> 01:18:08,515
not want to and

2225
01:18:09,135 --> 01:18:12,354
was just not going to reschedule and and

2226
01:18:12,494 --> 01:18:13,314
upend our,

2227
01:18:14,015 --> 01:18:16,175
like, our routine for some appointments. And I

2228
01:18:16,175 --> 01:18:18,335
said, your mommy will be driving you to

2229
01:18:18,335 --> 01:18:19,710
school next Monday.

2230
01:18:20,010 --> 01:18:21,449
I was like, and your mommy will be

2231
01:18:21,449 --> 01:18:22,510
picking you up.

2232
01:18:23,689 --> 01:18:25,449
I was like, actually, what I'm gonna try

2233
01:18:25,449 --> 01:18:27,930
and do is bat my eyelashes and convince

2234
01:18:27,930 --> 01:18:29,369
mister John to go with me to pick

2235
01:18:29,369 --> 01:18:30,649
you up so I don't have to drive

2236
01:18:30,649 --> 01:18:33,324
in rush hour traffic in a college town.

2237
01:18:34,025 --> 01:18:35,784
That's when the kid went, I think I'll

2238
01:18:35,784 --> 01:18:37,225
try and get a ride home. And then

2239
01:18:37,225 --> 01:18:38,985
there is a part of me that's like,

2240
01:18:38,985 --> 01:18:40,505
you could have been trying to get rides

2241
01:18:40,505 --> 01:18:42,265
home. He couldn't get a ride there though.

2242
01:18:42,265 --> 01:18:44,685
So, I mean, I get it. So yeah.

2243
01:18:49,439 --> 01:18:51,840
But it has been it's been strange having

2244
01:18:51,840 --> 01:18:54,479
him home, but it's been nice. Yeah. But

2245
01:18:54,479 --> 01:18:55,140
I think

2246
01:18:55,680 --> 01:18:57,840
all of us, including him, this is not

2247
01:18:57,840 --> 01:18:59,925
me dogging on him, all of us are

2248
01:18:59,925 --> 01:19:01,764
very used to him having his own space,

2249
01:19:01,764 --> 01:19:02,585
and I think

2250
01:19:03,524 --> 01:19:05,045
he is the most ready to be back

2251
01:19:05,045 --> 01:19:06,505
in his own space. Yeah.

2252
01:19:06,885 --> 01:19:08,645
And I will miss him. I always miss

2253
01:19:08,645 --> 01:19:10,824
him. Like, our whole

2254
01:19:11,125 --> 01:19:14,070
routine of life is completely different. Right now.

2255
01:19:14,689 --> 01:19:15,350
Mhmm. Mhmm.

2256
01:19:15,650 --> 01:19:18,610
But Mhmm. Yeah. No. It I and, you

2257
01:19:18,610 --> 01:19:20,930
know, I understand that because once once you

2258
01:19:20,930 --> 01:19:22,770
have that taste of having your own place

2259
01:19:22,770 --> 01:19:23,270
and,

2260
01:19:23,650 --> 01:19:26,630
you know, it's it's it's tough. And he

2261
01:19:27,010 --> 01:19:29,725
really hates not having control of the thermostat.

2262
01:19:30,265 --> 01:19:32,104
I mean, look, I also hate not having

2263
01:19:32,104 --> 01:19:33,944
control of the thermostat. But as the one

2264
01:19:33,944 --> 01:19:35,005
who pays the bills,

2265
01:19:35,625 --> 01:19:37,085
I understand. Right.

2266
01:19:37,465 --> 01:19:37,965
Yep.

2267
01:19:38,425 --> 01:19:39,704
Yep. I just there will come a day

2268
01:19:39,704 --> 01:19:41,010
I'm gonna want it on the record that

2269
01:19:41,010 --> 01:19:42,229
I survived perimenopause

2270
01:19:42,689 --> 01:19:44,470
in a not cold house.

2271
01:19:45,250 --> 01:19:45,750
Okay?

2272
01:19:46,449 --> 01:19:46,949
Just

2273
01:19:47,569 --> 01:19:49,810
Hey. The last four days, the AC has

2274
01:19:49,810 --> 01:19:51,890
been struggling to keep up. I know. I

2275
01:19:51,890 --> 01:19:52,949
know. Oh, man.

2276
01:19:54,514 --> 01:19:56,774
But but, you know, Julie

2277
01:19:57,795 --> 01:20:00,454
or had asked early on, you know, about

2278
01:20:00,594 --> 01:20:02,755
doing stuff to help distress. And and I

2279
01:20:02,755 --> 01:20:05,154
have been doing some stuff, you know. Together,

2280
01:20:05,154 --> 01:20:07,255
we do, we we have gotten,

2281
01:20:08,789 --> 01:20:09,689
doing thrifting.

2282
01:20:09,989 --> 01:20:10,489
Mhmm.

2283
01:20:10,949 --> 01:20:12,630
You like to go to the antique stores?

2284
01:20:12,630 --> 01:20:14,789
Me. Between thrifting and, you know, going to

2285
01:20:14,789 --> 01:20:17,030
some of the antique stores. We're even considering

2286
01:20:17,030 --> 01:20:19,609
making a day trip because the Internet influenced

2287
01:20:19,670 --> 01:20:20,170
us

2288
01:20:20,645 --> 01:20:22,965
to, an antique store in Jacksonville and a

2289
01:20:22,965 --> 01:20:24,025
bakery in Jacksonville.

2290
01:20:24,405 --> 01:20:27,145
Mhmm. Not anytime soon, but And there's,

2291
01:20:29,685 --> 01:20:31,465
there's supposed to be a big place

2292
01:20:31,925 --> 01:20:33,945
antique place up in, Micanopy.

2293
01:20:34,989 --> 01:20:37,250
Yeah. That would make sense with Mecanope. Mhmm.

2294
01:20:38,189 --> 01:20:38,689
So

2295
01:20:39,469 --> 01:20:41,250
Yeah. I I go for the vibes.

2296
01:20:42,029 --> 01:20:44,029
That's all I really go for. So, you

2297
01:20:44,029 --> 01:20:45,630
know, we yeah. We've been, you know, we

2298
01:20:45,630 --> 01:20:46,829
we do that. And,

2299
01:20:47,949 --> 01:20:49,170
you know, I've I've been

2300
01:20:50,614 --> 01:20:51,435
playing Terraria.

2301
01:20:52,055 --> 01:20:54,775
Yes. A lot of Terraria. Yeah. I've Every

2302
01:20:54,775 --> 01:20:57,175
time JB mentions that he's played Terraria or

2303
01:20:57,175 --> 01:21:00,215
he was playing Terraria, the youngest goes, oh,

2304
01:21:00,215 --> 01:21:02,215
like, it's so exciting to hear. A child

2305
01:21:02,215 --> 01:21:04,409
does not play Terraria anymore, but

2306
01:21:05,189 --> 01:21:06,969
they they like hearing about it, I guess.

2307
01:21:08,630 --> 01:21:10,149
You know, I've been doing that. And,

2308
01:21:10,789 --> 01:21:12,789
right now, it's too stinking hot to to

2309
01:21:12,789 --> 01:21:14,469
ride the K and M or go, you

2310
01:21:14,469 --> 01:21:17,265
know. No. Nobody's nobody's doing that shit. So,

2311
01:21:17,265 --> 01:21:18,944
you know, that that's gonna be once the

2312
01:21:18,944 --> 01:21:19,765
weather breaks

2313
01:21:20,545 --> 01:21:21,364
kinda thing.

2314
01:21:21,744 --> 01:21:22,244
Yeah.

2315
01:21:23,024 --> 01:21:23,524
Yeah.

2316
01:21:23,904 --> 01:21:26,385
I I know we're not anywhere near the

2317
01:21:26,385 --> 01:21:29,024
weather shift, the temperature shift. We still have

2318
01:21:29,024 --> 01:21:30,564
to get through August, which

2319
01:21:31,265 --> 01:21:34,110
oh, August in Florida is fucking misery.

2320
01:21:35,770 --> 01:21:37,930
But, yeah, I'm I'm looking forward to I'm

2321
01:21:37,930 --> 01:21:39,210
looking forward to you getting back on the

2322
01:21:39,210 --> 01:21:40,890
Can Am. I'm looking forward to another shot

2323
01:21:40,890 --> 01:21:42,010
of trying to be on the Can Am

2324
01:21:42,010 --> 01:21:43,390
and not crying and screaming.

2325
01:21:46,329 --> 01:21:46,829
I'm

2326
01:21:47,530 --> 01:21:48,670
looking forward

2327
01:21:51,185 --> 01:21:52,005
to, not

2328
01:21:52,625 --> 01:21:54,385
the only reason I'm sweating is a hot

2329
01:21:54,385 --> 01:21:54,885
flash,

2330
01:21:56,145 --> 01:21:57,685
not because I live in Florida.

2331
01:21:59,505 --> 01:22:00,005
So

2332
01:22:00,625 --> 01:22:01,505
yeah. It's,

2333
01:22:01,984 --> 01:22:04,329
Yeah. And and mister Spock, you know, said

2334
01:22:04,329 --> 01:22:06,030
about watch out around Micanopy.

2335
01:22:06,570 --> 01:22:08,510
That that's why we take the back roads.

2336
01:22:08,730 --> 01:22:09,230
Yeah.

2337
01:22:10,489 --> 01:22:12,350
That's why we take the back roads.

2338
01:22:12,970 --> 01:22:13,530
Yeah. My,

2339
01:22:14,090 --> 01:22:16,329
this been ages, but every time I we'd

2340
01:22:16,409 --> 01:22:18,744
I think about how I will, to the

2341
01:22:18,744 --> 01:22:20,104
extent that I can, only take a back

2342
01:22:20,104 --> 01:22:22,025
road, especially if I'm driving. I'm not getting

2343
01:22:22,025 --> 01:22:24,185
on the interstate. Not I 75 here in

2344
01:22:24,185 --> 01:22:26,824
fucking Florida. Kiss my ass with that. Not

2345
01:22:26,824 --> 01:22:27,645
driving anyway.

2346
01:22:28,664 --> 01:22:30,185
I think about the time I was trying

2347
01:22:30,185 --> 01:22:31,805
to explain to my aunt

2348
01:22:32,460 --> 01:22:34,539
that, yeah, it'll take us, like, twenty minutes

2349
01:22:34,539 --> 01:22:36,380
longer to get somewhere, but we're we're taking

2350
01:22:36,380 --> 01:22:38,060
the back road. And my mom is who

2351
01:22:38,060 --> 01:22:39,819
I kinda got it from, but she got

2352
01:22:39,819 --> 01:22:41,659
over a lot of her driving anxiety when

2353
01:22:41,659 --> 01:22:43,100
she had to travel for work because she

2354
01:22:43,100 --> 01:22:44,779
learned Mhmm. There were certain times she did

2355
01:22:44,779 --> 01:22:46,314
not have a choice. She had to be

2356
01:22:46,314 --> 01:22:47,914
there at a certain point, quickest way, get

2357
01:22:47,914 --> 01:22:49,994
on jump on this highway, jump on but

2358
01:22:49,994 --> 01:22:51,295
she learned the back ways

2359
01:22:51,675 --> 01:22:54,395
through Louisiana, Mississippi, and I think part of,

2360
01:22:54,395 --> 01:22:55,854
like, South Alabama.

2361
01:22:56,474 --> 01:22:56,875
And,

2362
01:22:57,594 --> 01:22:59,130
so I got that from her. Like, you

2363
01:22:59,130 --> 01:23:00,650
can go anywhere if you're willing to get

2364
01:23:00,650 --> 01:23:02,810
there, you know, or go a little slower

2365
01:23:02,810 --> 01:23:04,810
to avoid the insanity. And we were trying

2366
01:23:04,810 --> 01:23:06,329
to explain it to my aunt one day,

2367
01:23:06,329 --> 01:23:08,010
and there are a lot of things you

2368
01:23:08,010 --> 01:23:09,530
could look at me like I'm crazy for.

2369
01:23:09,530 --> 01:23:12,110
Like, you look, I'm into BDSM. I understand

2370
01:23:12,170 --> 01:23:13,774
if a vanilla person looks at me like

2371
01:23:13,774 --> 01:23:16,255
I have grown up, you know, some extra

2372
01:23:16,255 --> 01:23:17,074
heads. Okay?

2373
01:23:17,774 --> 01:23:19,614
But she looked at me like I like,

2374
01:23:19,614 --> 01:23:21,614
she did not know what planet I was

2375
01:23:21,614 --> 01:23:23,215
from when I was like, oh, yeah. To

2376
01:23:23,215 --> 01:23:25,314
get to Gainesville, we take 441.

2377
01:23:25,375 --> 01:23:27,215
Mhmm. It used to be a big highway.

2378
01:23:27,215 --> 01:23:28,574
It used to be the way people got

2379
01:23:28,574 --> 01:23:30,409
to Gainesville. Now we got the interstate. Yeah.

2380
01:23:30,470 --> 01:23:32,949
So we take 449 because ain't no fucking

2381
01:23:32,949 --> 01:23:35,130
body on it. You know?

2382
01:23:35,909 --> 01:23:37,750
And it was it's so funny. Every time

2383
01:23:37,750 --> 01:23:40,010
I think even the term back road,

2384
01:23:40,630 --> 01:23:43,350
the her face pops into my brain of

2385
01:23:43,350 --> 01:23:44,489
looking at me like,

2386
01:23:45,335 --> 01:23:47,895
who are you? What? Like, oh. And I

2387
01:23:47,895 --> 01:23:50,055
always wanna go, your sister's the one that

2388
01:23:50,055 --> 01:23:51,675
raised me, so blame her.

2389
01:23:52,854 --> 01:23:53,354
Yeah.

2390
01:23:55,015 --> 01:23:56,314
And, you know, I

2391
01:23:56,854 --> 01:23:59,175
I I look as we make the drive

2392
01:23:59,175 --> 01:24:01,650
because I I actually enjoy that drive especially

2393
01:24:01,770 --> 01:24:04,109
Oh, yeah. You know, around 04:41.

2394
01:24:04,329 --> 01:24:04,649
But,

2395
01:24:05,449 --> 01:24:07,229
I'm seeing more and more,

2396
01:24:08,010 --> 01:24:10,250
you know, this this is played where there's

2397
01:24:10,250 --> 01:24:12,489
there's farms out there, there's, you know, houses

2398
01:24:12,489 --> 01:24:14,189
with actual land out there.

2399
01:24:17,324 --> 01:24:20,224
Still dirt, lime lime lime rock roads even.

2400
01:24:21,005 --> 01:24:23,324
But, you know, a lot of open land

2401
01:24:23,324 --> 01:24:25,484
and and stuff, but there are now more

2402
01:24:25,484 --> 01:24:28,279
and more for sale signs Mhmm. Popping up

2403
01:24:28,279 --> 01:24:30,159
on a lot of that land. So Yeah.

2404
01:24:30,159 --> 01:24:31,539
The probably the only

2405
01:24:32,720 --> 01:24:36,100
comforting thing is when we're taking 441 from

2406
01:24:36,239 --> 01:24:37,699
where we live in the Gainesville,

2407
01:24:39,039 --> 01:24:41,520
to I'll I'm sure you kinda see it

2408
01:24:41,520 --> 01:24:43,305
from the interstate too, but you're driving in

2409
01:24:43,305 --> 01:24:46,265
the middle through Paynes Prairie Yeah. Which is

2410
01:24:46,265 --> 01:24:47,564
a wetland and,

2411
01:24:48,104 --> 01:24:49,864
like, a state park and, like and then

2412
01:24:49,864 --> 01:24:50,685
there's other,

2413
01:24:51,704 --> 01:24:53,005
parks that University

2414
01:24:53,465 --> 01:24:55,340
of Florida, like, has

2415
01:24:55,880 --> 01:24:57,640
for research purposes or whatever. And so there's

2416
01:24:57,640 --> 01:24:58,140
this

2417
01:24:58,840 --> 01:24:59,340
not

2418
01:24:59,800 --> 01:25:02,039
as big as anyone would like swath of

2419
01:25:02,039 --> 01:25:02,939
land that will,

2420
01:25:03,320 --> 01:25:05,720
hopefully, knock on wood, never get fucking touched.

2421
01:25:05,720 --> 01:25:07,899
But, yeah, I can already see where some

2422
01:25:08,039 --> 01:25:09,340
new bits of development

2423
01:25:09,800 --> 01:25:11,935
have the opportunity to creep because there's a

2424
01:25:11,935 --> 01:25:14,755
lot of big parcels of land for sale.

2425
01:25:15,375 --> 01:25:16,354
I told JB,

2426
01:25:17,295 --> 01:25:19,375
the other day because we got things up

2427
01:25:19,375 --> 01:25:21,055
in the air for our life, like, in

2428
01:25:21,055 --> 01:25:22,750
a couple year within the next couple years,

2429
01:25:22,750 --> 01:25:24,270
will we be moving out of state? We

2430
01:25:24,270 --> 01:25:25,010
don't know.

2431
01:25:26,750 --> 01:25:29,310
Will will interest rates ever change, and will

2432
01:25:29,310 --> 01:25:31,710
we one day downsize? We don't know. Yeah.

2433
01:25:31,869 --> 01:25:33,149
I told JB, I was like, you know

2434
01:25:33,149 --> 01:25:34,670
what? Here's what I wanna fucking do. And

2435
01:25:34,670 --> 01:25:37,215
this and this is strange coming from me

2436
01:25:37,215 --> 01:25:39,774
because I had very strong opinions otherwise. I

2437
01:25:39,774 --> 01:25:41,295
was like, the day we move, whether it's

2438
01:25:41,295 --> 01:25:43,454
out of state or we just whatever. I

2439
01:25:43,454 --> 01:25:44,914
was like, I just wanna buy,

2440
01:25:45,375 --> 01:25:46,274
sell this house,

2441
01:25:46,975 --> 01:25:49,554
buy some quarter to one acre

2442
01:25:49,920 --> 01:25:50,659
plot of

2443
01:25:51,039 --> 01:25:53,119
land, buy a fucking mobile home, slap it

2444
01:25:53,119 --> 01:25:55,600
in the middle, and say the to hell

2445
01:25:55,600 --> 01:25:57,680
with everybody else's, put me in the middle

2446
01:25:57,680 --> 01:25:59,840
of fucking nowhere with my own little plot

2447
01:25:59,840 --> 01:26:01,875
of land. I was like, I'm I'm

2448
01:26:02,274 --> 01:26:04,755
just and I used to be very anti

2449
01:26:04,755 --> 01:26:06,194
I don't wanna live in a mobile home

2450
01:26:06,194 --> 01:26:07,475
because I grew up in one and it

2451
01:26:07,475 --> 01:26:09,395
was a tin fucking can and I didn't

2452
01:26:09,395 --> 01:26:10,994
like it. But these days, I'm like, I

2453
01:26:10,994 --> 01:26:12,595
just don't fucking care anymore. Just give me

2454
01:26:12,595 --> 01:26:14,435
one that's only supposed to last, like, twenty

2455
01:26:14,435 --> 01:26:14,935
years

2456
01:26:15,314 --> 01:26:17,619
when I'm, like, 50. It'll be fine. You

2457
01:26:17,619 --> 01:26:19,239
know, you know, I,

2458
01:26:20,979 --> 01:26:23,719
come find out there are some towns in

2459
01:26:23,779 --> 01:26:24,279
Italy

2460
01:26:25,219 --> 01:26:28,039
that are giving you incentive to come there

2461
01:26:28,260 --> 01:26:30,715
and live because they they wanna. They need

2462
01:26:30,715 --> 01:26:33,114
people. They need people, you know. And you

2463
01:26:33,114 --> 01:26:33,854
just have

2464
01:26:34,314 --> 01:26:36,715
to commit to living there. Mhmm. And you

2465
01:26:36,715 --> 01:26:38,954
know, I I can get You can get

2466
01:26:38,954 --> 01:26:40,954
Italian citizenship. Yeah. In a heart in a

2467
01:26:40,954 --> 01:26:43,215
heartbeat I could, you know. Or even German.

2468
01:26:43,274 --> 01:26:44,734
Mhmm. So, you know.

2469
01:26:49,229 --> 01:26:50,989
I don't know. I'm just I think I'm

2470
01:26:50,989 --> 01:26:52,270
at that point in my life. I was

2471
01:26:52,270 --> 01:26:53,170
like, I just

2472
01:26:54,189 --> 01:26:55,170
I just wanna

2473
01:26:55,550 --> 01:26:57,949
go be not in the woods. I I

2474
01:26:57,949 --> 01:26:59,805
didn't live that life. There's,

2475
01:27:00,525 --> 01:27:02,545
but just somewhere and just have my own

2476
01:27:02,604 --> 01:27:03,425
peace and

2477
01:27:03,965 --> 01:27:06,604
and maybe a road that runs past me,

2478
01:27:06,604 --> 01:27:08,784
and that's, like, that's it. That's fucking it.

2479
01:27:09,885 --> 01:27:10,385
But

2480
01:27:11,564 --> 01:27:15,470
Oh. Yeah. Alright. I think that's enough. Yeah.

2481
01:27:15,770 --> 01:27:16,090
Yep.

2482
01:27:17,770 --> 01:27:19,689
Y'all know me. I can keep going, but

2483
01:27:19,689 --> 01:27:22,569
I I stopped having anything of substance to

2484
01:27:22,569 --> 01:27:23,869
say a while back.

2485
01:27:24,250 --> 01:27:24,750
So

2486
01:27:25,609 --> 01:27:26,170
I guess

2487
01:27:26,649 --> 01:27:28,489
There you go. We will finish up for

2488
01:27:28,489 --> 01:27:29,869
the stream and recording,

2489
01:27:31,305 --> 01:27:33,305
and we will talk to y'all next week.

2490
01:27:33,305 --> 01:27:34,685
Mhmm. Okay. Alright.

2491
01:27:35,225 --> 01:27:36,204
Bye. Bye.