1 00:00:11,599 --> 00:00:14,025 You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords 2 00:00:14,025 --> 00:00:16,125 here with the one, the only, the 3 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,425 I love you and I have nothing else 4 00:00:18,425 --> 00:00:20,265 to say, John Brownstone. I love you too, 5 00:00:20,265 --> 00:00:21,005 baby girl. 6 00:00:21,385 --> 00:00:23,704 The the snarky brain is not snarking right 7 00:00:23,704 --> 00:00:25,224 now. Give me a moment. Once I get 8 00:00:25,224 --> 00:00:25,964 warmed up, 9 00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:29,230 I'll sass you left, right, and center. But 10 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:29,890 right now, 11 00:00:30,429 --> 00:00:31,570 I got nothing creative. 12 00:00:32,109 --> 00:00:33,710 I'll go with it. Yeah. Take it while 13 00:00:33,710 --> 00:00:34,990 you can. Just take it while you can. 14 00:00:35,149 --> 00:00:36,750 That's not what we're talking about this week. 15 00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:39,310 This week, a submissive wants to get back 16 00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:39,810 into 17 00:00:40,284 --> 00:00:42,604 power exchange and kink with their dom after 18 00:00:42,604 --> 00:00:44,384 a lot has gone on in their life, 19 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:46,704 but absolutely nothing is happening. 20 00:00:47,405 --> 00:00:49,325 Yeah. Not at all. Welcome to the Loving 21 00:00:49,325 --> 00:00:51,164 BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help 22 00:00:51,164 --> 00:00:53,005 kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange 23 00:00:53,005 --> 00:00:55,164 relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast 24 00:00:55,164 --> 00:00:56,950 app so you never miss an episode. And 25 00:00:56,950 --> 00:00:58,229 if you'd like us to answer a question 26 00:00:58,229 --> 00:01:00,070 that you have in a future one of 27 00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:02,630 these, you can send your question in through 28 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,590 our contact page. It's literally labeled ask your 29 00:01:05,590 --> 00:01:06,090 questions. 30 00:01:06,549 --> 00:01:07,590 You should be able to find that in 31 00:01:07,590 --> 00:01:10,325 the show notes page below or attached to 32 00:01:10,325 --> 00:01:13,924 this episode or at our website lovingbdsm.net. 33 00:01:13,924 --> 00:01:16,265 That's lovingbdsm.net. 34 00:01:16,484 --> 00:01:17,224 An announcement. 35 00:01:18,084 --> 00:01:20,025 We are going on our summer schedule, 36 00:01:20,805 --> 00:01:22,569 right after this episode, 37 00:01:23,269 --> 00:01:26,009 comes out. And so what we have decided, 38 00:01:26,709 --> 00:01:29,689 is there will not be a Monday episode 39 00:01:30,469 --> 00:01:32,869 until the end of summer. We are in 40 00:01:32,869 --> 00:01:35,189 Florida, so the end of summer is not 41 00:01:35,189 --> 00:01:36,409 when you think it is. 42 00:01:37,109 --> 00:01:39,534 Right? We've changed our livestream time for the 43 00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,375 summer so that we don't melt in the 44 00:01:41,375 --> 00:01:42,435 middle of the day. 45 00:01:43,055 --> 00:01:44,515 And so we're going to 46 00:01:45,135 --> 00:01:47,234 not record q and a episodes 47 00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:49,075 through that time as well. 48 00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:51,534 You can still send us your questions. And 49 00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:52,769 once we get back to our 50 00:01:53,409 --> 00:01:56,049 regularly scheduled time, we will come back to 51 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,969 recording these episodes, and we'd love to have 52 00:01:57,969 --> 00:01:59,810 a bunch of questions to come back to. 53 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:02,129 But, yeah, we're we're going on a a 54 00:02:02,129 --> 00:02:04,469 summer schedule that's not a full hiatus, 55 00:02:05,009 --> 00:02:07,165 but, also, we don't wanna melt in our 56 00:02:07,165 --> 00:02:10,844 office and recording space. So Right. Just remember. 57 00:02:10,844 --> 00:02:12,525 And, you know, in in Florida we have 58 00:02:12,525 --> 00:02:13,025 summer 59 00:02:13,805 --> 00:02:15,104 and then summer summer. 60 00:02:15,645 --> 00:02:17,405 Yeah. And then the two weeks of winter. 61 00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:20,159 Spring is when we preheat for summer. Yeah. 62 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:20,900 Summer 63 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,540 really can start, like, May 64 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:27,040 if depending on temperature and can run until 65 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,240 October minimum. I've even still felt summer heat. 66 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,620 Into November. Right. 67 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,500 We get fall ish 68 00:02:35,675 --> 00:02:36,175 for 69 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,094 a few weeks. 70 00:02:38,794 --> 00:02:40,314 Well, we get fall ish for a couple 71 00:02:40,314 --> 00:02:42,155 months and, like, interspersed, and it'll be, like, 72 00:02:42,155 --> 00:02:44,094 a week where it's really cold. Mhmm. Mhmm. 73 00:02:44,314 --> 00:02:46,794 Yep. Yeah. So, yeah, we're we're in summer 74 00:02:46,794 --> 00:02:48,094 summer. Yep. Mhmm. 75 00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:50,569 My husband and Dom and I have been 76 00:02:50,569 --> 00:02:52,810 married for ten years together for twelve, and 77 00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:54,729 we have a twenty year age gap where 78 00:02:54,729 --> 00:02:55,550 I am younger. 79 00:02:55,849 --> 00:02:57,689 When we were early into dating, I made 80 00:02:57,689 --> 00:02:59,449 it clear, at least from what I thought, 81 00:02:59,449 --> 00:03:01,469 but I admit I've gotten better at communication 82 00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:04,084 since then, that I knew submission was an 83 00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:05,925 identity pillar for me and that it was 84 00:03:05,925 --> 00:03:07,685 something that couldn't be changed and was a 85 00:03:07,685 --> 00:03:09,944 critical piece of what makes me me. 86 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,004 I love him and to his credit, life 87 00:03:12,004 --> 00:03:14,504 has been crazy. We moved across the country, 88 00:03:14,644 --> 00:03:16,245 have both had our issues with our mental 89 00:03:16,245 --> 00:03:18,110 health, can't forget the pandemic. 90 00:03:18,729 --> 00:03:21,449 His relapse, that was the most difficult. Rock 91 00:03:21,449 --> 00:03:23,129 bottom happened and we've been in a couple 92 00:03:23,129 --> 00:03:24,810 sessions for almost a year now and have 93 00:03:24,810 --> 00:03:26,030 rebuilt a lot of trust. 94 00:03:26,569 --> 00:03:29,209 The whole time, DS never happened. Sure there 95 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,814 was some kinky fuckery. Rarely, no power exchange, 96 00:03:31,814 --> 00:03:34,235 no munches, no dungeons, no rules, no expectations, 97 00:03:34,294 --> 00:03:35,034 no negotiating, 98 00:03:35,495 --> 00:03:37,414 no yes no maybe lists, no interest in 99 00:03:37,414 --> 00:03:39,094 books. I can say we've tried an app 100 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,354 and it continuously falls through. 101 00:03:41,974 --> 00:03:43,735 I can't help but think that he isn't 102 00:03:43,735 --> 00:03:44,599 as interested 103 00:03:45,219 --> 00:03:46,419 in this. I've brought it up and in 104 00:03:46,419 --> 00:03:48,680 and out of sessions, he swears he's interested. 105 00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:50,740 Actions speak louder than words and there's been 106 00:03:50,740 --> 00:03:52,040 no action or initiation 107 00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:54,500 on his part. Life's been difficult and I 108 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,115 expect the ups and downs, but it's not 109 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:57,735 an ebb if it never flows. 110 00:03:58,115 --> 00:03:59,635 I love him and we do so well 111 00:03:59,635 --> 00:04:02,355 in every other aspect. We've had poly discussions 112 00:04:02,355 --> 00:04:03,955 and he used to be open to it 113 00:04:03,955 --> 00:04:06,034 for casual sex, but he is now determined 114 00:04:06,034 --> 00:04:08,034 that he isn't comfortable with me having another 115 00:04:08,034 --> 00:04:09,175 dominant in my life. 116 00:04:09,490 --> 00:04:11,650 I'm also a super anxious person. I'm so 117 00:04:11,650 --> 00:04:13,009 in my head on this and it's driving 118 00:04:13,009 --> 00:04:15,330 me crazy. I just want to explore, find 119 00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:17,009 my physical limits, play with new toys, or 120 00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:18,689 maybe even just the ones I've already paid 121 00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:19,189 for. 122 00:04:19,649 --> 00:04:20,149 Anything. 123 00:04:20,529 --> 00:04:22,290 Is this sub frenzy? Am I being too 124 00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:24,105 needy? Am I asking for too much? 125 00:04:27,944 --> 00:04:28,444 Wow. 126 00:04:29,305 --> 00:04:31,384 I think we can those last three questions, 127 00:04:31,384 --> 00:04:33,004 I think is an easy answer. 128 00:04:33,305 --> 00:04:35,964 Yeah. I mean And that answer is? 129 00:04:37,785 --> 00:04:40,439 No. No. You are none of those so 130 00:04:40,439 --> 00:04:42,759 that's not sub frenzy to me, what what 131 00:04:42,759 --> 00:04:44,759 you've described. And no, you're not too needy, 132 00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:46,620 and no, you're not too much. No. 133 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,199 You know, I'm I'm afraid it it kinda 134 00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:51,959 comes back to the thing you can lead 135 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,800 a horse to water, you can't make him 136 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:54,165 drink. 137 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,064 Mhmm. You know, if 138 00:04:57,524 --> 00:04:58,585 if deep down, 139 00:04:59,444 --> 00:05:01,764 he is not interested in being a dominant, 140 00:05:01,764 --> 00:05:03,545 there is nothing that's going to 141 00:05:03,925 --> 00:05:06,180 to make it work in that aspect. Now, 142 00:05:07,699 --> 00:05:09,800 on on the other side of that coin, 143 00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:12,100 I'm very glad that you brought this up 144 00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,180 in therapy, as part of your therapy, which 145 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,479 is really really good. 146 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,699 And, you know what? Yes. Life is crazy. 147 00:05:19,699 --> 00:05:21,539 We just went through a stint of crazy 148 00:05:21,539 --> 00:05:22,735 life this past 149 00:05:23,915 --> 00:05:25,514 month. In the past five years, but we're 150 00:05:25,514 --> 00:05:26,975 not really counting. And, yeah. You know. 151 00:05:28,714 --> 00:05:29,115 And, 152 00:05:29,835 --> 00:05:32,495 you know, sometimes it's the the little 153 00:05:32,795 --> 00:05:35,675 small things that we have that get us 154 00:05:35,675 --> 00:05:36,175 through. 155 00:05:37,529 --> 00:05:39,770 So, you know, maybe that's what you all 156 00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:40,750 need to look at. 157 00:05:41,529 --> 00:05:43,949 You know, sometimes when when life get 158 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:44,910 crazy, 159 00:05:45,449 --> 00:05:48,029 you need simple things that, 160 00:05:48,754 --> 00:05:50,854 you know, look simple from the outside, 161 00:05:51,154 --> 00:05:53,634 but can have a big impact in some 162 00:05:53,634 --> 00:05:54,134 ways. 163 00:05:54,435 --> 00:05:56,754 And that are will not overwhelm somebody who 164 00:05:56,754 --> 00:05:58,595 may already be overwhelmed at other parts of 165 00:05:58,595 --> 00:06:00,294 life. You're talking about a relapse 166 00:06:00,910 --> 00:06:02,189 And let me go back. Let me make 167 00:06:02,189 --> 00:06:04,529 sure I'm listing all these things correctly. 168 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,930 You know, mental health, that's huge. 169 00:06:07,470 --> 00:06:09,709 The pandemic messed us all up. And your 170 00:06:09,709 --> 00:06:11,790 dom had a relapse of some sort. You 171 00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:13,149 don't go into details and you don't need 172 00:06:13,149 --> 00:06:15,949 to. That's huge. When you say rock bottom 173 00:06:15,949 --> 00:06:16,274 happen, 174 00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:19,254 it can take a long time 175 00:06:19,794 --> 00:06:22,115 to crawl out from rock bottom Yeah. Just 176 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,914 to get to level ground again, let alone 177 00:06:24,914 --> 00:06:27,555 trying to climb new heights. Right? So Absolutely. 178 00:06:27,794 --> 00:06:28,694 There's also 179 00:06:29,394 --> 00:06:30,535 the fact that 180 00:06:31,319 --> 00:06:34,600 your partner may need more time than you 181 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,360 need. That doesn't mean you can't do anything. 182 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,120 I don't think that means that you shouldn't 183 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,720 be able to ask for what you want 184 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,800 and make it clear what you want. I 185 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,740 agree with you. Doing small things 186 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,524 can, you know, 187 00:06:46,084 --> 00:06:48,084 give you some of what you need and 188 00:06:48,084 --> 00:06:50,964 also probably help your partner realize that maybe 189 00:06:50,964 --> 00:06:53,285 he can trust himself again, that he really 190 00:06:53,285 --> 00:06:55,925 can do this. You know, depending on the 191 00:06:55,925 --> 00:06:56,425 situations 192 00:06:56,805 --> 00:06:58,769 y'all were in and specifically that he was 193 00:06:58,769 --> 00:07:01,009 in, does he even trust himself right now? 194 00:07:01,009 --> 00:07:03,329 Is he got any amount of confidence in 195 00:07:03,329 --> 00:07:05,410 his ability, not just as a dom, but 196 00:07:05,410 --> 00:07:07,509 as a human being right now? Like, 197 00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,750 there's a lot that goes into 198 00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:11,589 wanting to be 199 00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:14,194 intimate with a partner, wanting to 200 00:07:14,655 --> 00:07:18,175 dominate or be dominated. And it's not just 201 00:07:18,175 --> 00:07:20,495 the desire to do it. There has to 202 00:07:20,495 --> 00:07:23,295 be this belief in yourself that you can 203 00:07:23,295 --> 00:07:26,500 do it. Mhmm. Especially if your confidence was 204 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:28,580 completely rocked and you haven't been able to 205 00:07:28,580 --> 00:07:30,980 do anything you used to do in however 206 00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:33,060 long it's been. I know I know for 207 00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:34,819 me, when I hit rock bottom with my, 208 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:38,040 depression, 209 00:07:39,394 --> 00:07:41,714 you know, it it wasn't pretty. And last 210 00:07:41,714 --> 00:07:43,314 thing I wanted to do was jump into 211 00:07:43,314 --> 00:07:43,955 a full blown 212 00:07:44,514 --> 00:07:46,615 Mhmm. You know, DS relationship. 213 00:07:47,555 --> 00:07:48,055 We 214 00:07:48,675 --> 00:07:50,834 talked about it long and hard, and and 215 00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:53,235 we started rebuilding small, you know. And and 216 00:07:53,235 --> 00:07:55,459 we are still in the process of rebuilding 217 00:07:55,519 --> 00:07:58,079 almost a year later. Mhmm. That's our whole 218 00:07:58,079 --> 00:08:01,279 project for 2025. Yeah. And we don't get 219 00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:03,040 to do all the things that come to 220 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,199 either of our minds all the time. Like, 221 00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:07,680 it I might suggest something, and I have, 222 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,955 actually. We're in the process of negotiating, and 223 00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:11,975 it could be a month or so before 224 00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:14,595 we make it happen. So all that being 225 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,395 said, that does not make what you want 226 00:08:17,395 --> 00:08:19,715 and need too much, does not make you 227 00:08:19,715 --> 00:08:20,295 too needy. 228 00:08:20,715 --> 00:08:21,215 The 229 00:08:21,795 --> 00:08:23,770 knowing what you want and missing it is 230 00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:24,990 not sub frenzy. 231 00:08:25,449 --> 00:08:25,949 Doing 232 00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:28,889 less advisable things that could put you in 233 00:08:28,889 --> 00:08:29,790 harm's way 234 00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:33,309 in order to have that experience of submission, 235 00:08:33,690 --> 00:08:35,389 that is typically sub frenzy. 236 00:08:36,410 --> 00:08:36,910 So 237 00:08:37,654 --> 00:08:39,274 the thing first to determine 238 00:08:40,615 --> 00:08:41,915 is are you both 239 00:08:42,535 --> 00:08:44,075 genuinely still interested? 240 00:08:44,455 --> 00:08:46,455 You have shared here all the things you 241 00:08:46,455 --> 00:08:48,215 have said, all the things you know you 242 00:08:48,215 --> 00:08:50,774 want. What has your dominant partner said to 243 00:08:50,774 --> 00:08:53,360 you? How are they expressing themselves? 244 00:08:53,980 --> 00:08:56,379 If they are at the point where you 245 00:08:56,379 --> 00:08:57,899 say it all and they go, Yes, that 246 00:08:57,899 --> 00:08:59,500 sounds good, and they have no ideas of 247 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:01,440 their own, they have they don't even initiate 248 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:02,159 the conversations, 249 00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:05,839 then the conversation to have is, Okay, 250 00:09:06,274 --> 00:09:09,075 husband, I need you to get really real 251 00:09:09,075 --> 00:09:11,795 with yourself and me, and where are you 252 00:09:11,795 --> 00:09:14,595 actually at right now? It is certainly not 253 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:16,054 uncommon for a dominant, 254 00:09:16,754 --> 00:09:19,014 especially men, just in general, 255 00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:21,184 thanks, you know, to a patriarchal 256 00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:23,870 society for but for a dominant, 257 00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:26,910 sometimes man, but not necessarily, 258 00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:30,670 to be unable to admit to themselves 259 00:09:31,129 --> 00:09:33,610 that they feel insecure. They have a lack 260 00:09:33,610 --> 00:09:35,865 of confidence. They're not sure if they even 261 00:09:35,865 --> 00:09:37,245 know what they're doing anymore. 262 00:09:37,625 --> 00:09:40,184 You know? It it's almost like they think 263 00:09:40,184 --> 00:09:40,924 that they're 264 00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,504 admitting defeat or weakness. Well, weakness is not 265 00:09:44,504 --> 00:09:46,345 necessarily a bad thing. Every single one of 266 00:09:46,345 --> 00:09:48,684 us has weak moments, weak points, 267 00:09:49,309 --> 00:09:51,470 places and and times of life where we 268 00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:53,409 need to lean on other people. 269 00:09:54,829 --> 00:09:56,509 And but if you have a partner who 270 00:09:56,509 --> 00:09:58,449 is not being real with themselves 271 00:09:58,829 --> 00:10:01,230 or you about that, you're gonna stay in 272 00:10:01,230 --> 00:10:02,589 this cycle of, yeah, yeah, we can do 273 00:10:02,589 --> 00:10:03,709 that. Yeah, yeah, we can do that. And 274 00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:05,495 then no follow through. No initiation. 275 00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,054 No nothing. Right? And then both of you 276 00:10:08,595 --> 00:10:09,575 are dissatisfied, 277 00:10:10,115 --> 00:10:12,035 two different levels. You're dissatisfied because you're like, 278 00:10:12,035 --> 00:10:13,634 I want all these things. I'm getting none 279 00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:15,715 of them. And depending on the type of 280 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:19,430 person your partner is, they're disappointed in themselves. 281 00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:21,590 They're they hate that you're unhappy. 282 00:10:22,129 --> 00:10:24,070 They think they're failing at something. 283 00:10:24,930 --> 00:10:25,430 So 284 00:10:25,810 --> 00:10:27,490 the very beginning, there needs to be a 285 00:10:27,490 --> 00:10:30,695 level set of where your partner actually is 286 00:10:30,835 --> 00:10:33,654 mentally and emotionally when it comes to what, 287 00:10:33,955 --> 00:10:35,634 you know, what kind of kink life you 288 00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:36,934 maybe can have. 289 00:10:37,394 --> 00:10:40,434 And, if it's completely incompatible, if they, you 290 00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:42,509 know, get honest with themselves and then therefore 291 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,190 you and go, yeah. I don't want this 292 00:10:44,190 --> 00:10:46,830 anymore. Only you get to decide if Right. 293 00:10:46,910 --> 00:10:48,850 If that's a deal breaker. Now 294 00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:51,730 I never want personally to make somebody 295 00:10:52,269 --> 00:10:52,769 feel 296 00:10:53,230 --> 00:10:55,574 bad or feel ashamed because they're not interested 297 00:10:55,574 --> 00:10:58,134 in opening up their relationship because it was 298 00:10:58,134 --> 00:11:01,014 a very personal choice and nobody gets to 299 00:11:01,014 --> 00:11:01,514 dictate 300 00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:04,694 whether a partner agrees to non monogamy or 301 00:11:04,694 --> 00:11:05,194 not. 302 00:11:05,574 --> 00:11:07,975 But the thing I find interesting is that 303 00:11:07,975 --> 00:11:10,049 at one point, your partner was like, sure. 304 00:11:10,049 --> 00:11:11,809 Sure. We can open it up for casual 305 00:11:11,809 --> 00:11:13,889 sex, but, no. We can't open it up 306 00:11:13,889 --> 00:11:17,350 for kink. Well, that implies a responsibility 307 00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:19,830 on the part of that partner to provide 308 00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:20,710 the kink. 309 00:11:21,404 --> 00:11:23,164 Like, you know, if you're willing to be 310 00:11:23,164 --> 00:11:24,845 non monogamous at all, sometimes you're just not 311 00:11:24,845 --> 00:11:26,764 even willing. It doesn't matter. Okay. Different decisions 312 00:11:26,764 --> 00:11:29,184 need to be made. But if non monogamy 313 00:11:29,324 --> 00:11:30,865 is kind of on the table, 314 00:11:31,404 --> 00:11:34,125 but the one thing you desperately need and 315 00:11:34,125 --> 00:11:36,470 crave that your partner knows, that your partner 316 00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:38,389 normally gives you, and they're unwilling to give 317 00:11:38,389 --> 00:11:39,129 it to you, 318 00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:40,250 like, 319 00:11:41,269 --> 00:11:43,910 that's another deep discussion that has to be 320 00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:45,750 had. That does not mean just do what 321 00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,429 you want anyway. That does not mean that 322 00:11:47,429 --> 00:11:49,975 your partner is wrong for feeling that way, 323 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:53,034 but I do think it's unfair to you 324 00:11:53,174 --> 00:11:54,615 for that. Like, no. No. No. You can 325 00:11:54,615 --> 00:11:56,294 go do these other things, but this one 326 00:11:56,294 --> 00:11:58,454 thing you're craving that I could provide and 327 00:11:58,454 --> 00:12:01,414 I am unable and or unwilling to, you 328 00:12:01,414 --> 00:12:02,429 can't go get that anywhere 329 00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:05,043 else. Well, okay. Then what are your options? 330 00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:05,870 What other options do you have? Would be 331 00:12:05,870 --> 00:12:07,309 the question I'd be asking. It's like, if 332 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,750 you're not ready to be my dom or 333 00:12:08,750 --> 00:12:10,529 you don't wanna be my dom at all, 334 00:12:12,029 --> 00:12:13,789 what are my like, what are we supposed 335 00:12:13,789 --> 00:12:14,850 to do here? 336 00:12:16,095 --> 00:12:17,615 But, you know, just from some of what 337 00:12:17,615 --> 00:12:18,355 you've listed, 338 00:12:18,735 --> 00:12:20,035 I I would be shocked, 339 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,434 if there's 340 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:26,195 a mental fortitude and readiness and confidence 341 00:12:26,894 --> 00:12:28,894 Yeah. There Yeah. Ready to, like, to be 342 00:12:28,894 --> 00:12:29,909 able to step into the dominant 343 00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,069 role. And if if they either think they 344 00:12:33,069 --> 00:12:34,549 can't do it anymore because it's been so 345 00:12:34,549 --> 00:12:36,230 long since they've done it, or they just 346 00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:38,789 don't feel like they're they're ready yet to 347 00:12:38,789 --> 00:12:41,110 do that, that's the honest conversation to have, 348 00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:42,709 and they need to get honest with you 349 00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:44,085 about that. And, you know, 350 00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:46,585 to be to be honest about it too, 351 00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:49,365 let's face the facts. You know, you've been 352 00:12:49,365 --> 00:12:51,625 through some stuff. Mhmm. Okay? 353 00:12:52,245 --> 00:12:55,304 And and just like our just like us, 354 00:12:55,684 --> 00:12:58,879 RDS right now does not look anything like 355 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,960 it did Mhmm. Five or ten years ago. 356 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,100 Mhmm. Alright. So if you're trying to recreate 357 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,879 what you had, that could be part of 358 00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:09,299 the problem too. Right. Okay. 359 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:10,980 You know, 360 00:13:11,654 --> 00:13:13,414 as as time moves on, you know, we 361 00:13:13,414 --> 00:13:15,095 found we could not go back to what 362 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:17,495 we had. So we kinda had to start 363 00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:19,654 from scratch a little bit. Mhmm. You know, 364 00:13:19,654 --> 00:13:21,414 some things, yes, did stay, but for the 365 00:13:21,414 --> 00:13:23,254 most part, things did get shook up and 366 00:13:23,254 --> 00:13:25,014 we had to move in a different direction. 367 00:13:25,014 --> 00:13:26,909 Right. We had to do things differently than 368 00:13:26,909 --> 00:13:28,750 we had done. Right. Two other thoughts come 369 00:13:28,750 --> 00:13:30,110 to me. First of all, you say there's 370 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,289 a twenty year age gap. Now 371 00:13:33,629 --> 00:13:36,190 even if you somehow got met and got 372 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,569 married when you were 20, 373 00:13:38,269 --> 00:13:40,654 and now it's ten years later, that still 374 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,815 means, like, the minimum your partner might be 375 00:13:42,815 --> 00:13:45,134 is 50, but I kind of imagine maybe 376 00:13:45,134 --> 00:13:47,455 they're in their sixties or closing in on 377 00:13:47,455 --> 00:13:47,955 60. 378 00:13:49,054 --> 00:13:51,855 60 can be rough. Okay? And if your 379 00:13:51,855 --> 00:13:53,634 partner is actively 380 00:13:54,014 --> 00:13:56,274 feeling their age and maybe they're even noticing 381 00:13:56,549 --> 00:14:00,149 mentally, emotionally, physically that they don't function like 382 00:14:00,149 --> 00:14:03,269 they did. I hope they're talking to you 383 00:14:03,269 --> 00:14:05,529 about that. I hope they're talking to somebody 384 00:14:05,669 --> 00:14:06,330 about that. 385 00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:09,429 But that absolutely on the physical side of 386 00:14:09,429 --> 00:14:11,534 kink has has made a huge impact on 387 00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:14,574 our power exchange. JB sometimes physically cannot do 388 00:14:14,574 --> 00:14:16,894 the things he once could. Now maybe he 389 00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:18,735 For as long as I did. Right. Like, 390 00:14:18,735 --> 00:14:20,914 the stamina is not always there. The 391 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,375 you have had more injuries and health issues 392 00:14:23,375 --> 00:14:26,460 recently, and so that puts the kink side 393 00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:28,379 completely on the back burner until we get 394 00:14:28,379 --> 00:14:29,120 those worked 395 00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,100 out. Figure out what the new normal is. 396 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:33,519 So there that could absolutely be, 397 00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:36,379 an aspect too that y'all want to talk 398 00:14:36,379 --> 00:14:38,940 about. I know it took JB a while 399 00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:40,480 to start admitting to me, 400 00:14:41,704 --> 00:14:44,024 I don't feel like I did a few 401 00:14:44,024 --> 00:14:47,144 years ago. I I get tired more easily. 402 00:14:47,144 --> 00:14:48,424 I don't you know, I get out of 403 00:14:48,424 --> 00:14:50,605 breath more easily. I this hurts. That hurts. 404 00:14:50,664 --> 00:14:52,684 You know, if your partner is already maybe 405 00:14:52,824 --> 00:14:53,324 not 406 00:14:53,865 --> 00:14:55,320 in a place where they feel like they're 407 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,059 they can 408 00:14:56,519 --> 00:14:58,700 fully bare their soul to talk about 409 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,879 their emotional state, the physical state might be 410 00:15:01,879 --> 00:15:03,480 part of that. And that can knock your 411 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,799 confidence too when you physically can't do things 412 00:15:05,799 --> 00:15:07,799 she wants to. So that's one thing. The 413 00:15:07,799 --> 00:15:10,360 other thing is, yes, there's a lot in 414 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,644 kink that, you 415 00:15:12,024 --> 00:15:14,425 know, either requires a partner or is just 416 00:15:14,425 --> 00:15:16,585 better with a partner, but is there anything 417 00:15:16,585 --> 00:15:18,445 that says you can't go to munches, 418 00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:20,285 you can't read books, 419 00:15:20,825 --> 00:15:23,325 you can't do online workshops? Maybe 420 00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:25,350 the if you do, like, let's say an 421 00:15:25,350 --> 00:15:28,309 online workshop, maybe that low pressure situation is 422 00:15:28,309 --> 00:15:29,909 enough for your partner to be willing to 423 00:15:29,909 --> 00:15:31,909 just sit in the same room and you 424 00:15:31,909 --> 00:15:33,669 don't have your headphones in and and you 425 00:15:33,669 --> 00:15:35,909 let the speakers play whatever is being taught, 426 00:15:35,909 --> 00:15:38,144 you know? Sometimes we can educate each other 427 00:15:38,144 --> 00:15:39,764 through osmosis that way. 428 00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:43,125 So are there things that you can do 429 00:15:43,184 --> 00:15:44,804 on your own that 430 00:15:45,664 --> 00:15:48,544 are enjoyable? Like, I completely get the idea 431 00:15:48,544 --> 00:15:49,745 of I don't want to go to these 432 00:15:49,745 --> 00:15:51,125 things or be in these spaces 433 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,080 by myself because all it does is make 434 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,000 me think of who's not here with me, 435 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,639 that that's completely valid. But there is nothing 436 00:15:57,639 --> 00:15:59,659 wrong with you making your own kink friends. 437 00:15:59,879 --> 00:16:01,720 If in person stuff is not really an 438 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,580 option, what can you do online? What communities 439 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,535 can you be a part of? Who can 440 00:16:05,535 --> 00:16:07,295 you get to know and just have somebody 441 00:16:07,295 --> 00:16:10,014 to talk to about, you know, things you're 442 00:16:10,014 --> 00:16:12,014 interested in or what you're going through or 443 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:12,915 whatever whatever? 444 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:14,415 There's 445 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:16,654 in my mind, there should be nothing that 446 00:16:16,654 --> 00:16:19,129 stops you from doing that except you. And 447 00:16:19,129 --> 00:16:21,129 then I would say, okay. Please try not 448 00:16:21,129 --> 00:16:23,049 to to do that to yourself, even though 449 00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:25,529 I totally get anxiety and social anxiety and, 450 00:16:25,529 --> 00:16:26,590 like, all of that. 451 00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:28,029 But 452 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,970 that is another avenue to explore just for 453 00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:31,470 yourself 454 00:16:32,384 --> 00:16:34,865 while you're working these things out or figuring 455 00:16:34,865 --> 00:16:36,545 out what the new reality is gonna look 456 00:16:36,545 --> 00:16:39,125 like for the two of you. So yeah, 457 00:16:39,504 --> 00:16:40,945 let's see if we could do a quick 458 00:16:40,945 --> 00:16:41,845 recap here. 459 00:16:43,264 --> 00:16:45,105 See if you can get your partner to 460 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,960 have an a deep honest conversation about where 461 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,279 they're really at. Not the yes I want 462 00:16:50,279 --> 00:16:51,879 to do this with you, but the why 463 00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,840 it's not happening. Like in whatever way y'all 464 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,679 relate to one another, like kind of push 465 00:16:56,679 --> 00:16:59,160 a little bit. But why is it confidence? 466 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,434 Is it is it fear? Is it you're 467 00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:03,694 just not quite ready yet? Whatever it is, 468 00:17:03,754 --> 00:17:05,375 get deep into those conversations. 469 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,394 Realize, like JB said, whatever you come up 470 00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:09,914 with probably won't look like what you had 471 00:17:09,914 --> 00:17:12,815 before because everything has changed since then. Mhmm. 472 00:17:13,029 --> 00:17:14,710 It may be that there's just more time 473 00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:15,210 needed. 474 00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:18,789 Right. Could be an aging issue that's killing 475 00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:20,789 the confidence and the stamina and all of 476 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,529 that. Mhmm. And then what can you explore 477 00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:26,329 on your own that lets you connect 478 00:17:27,325 --> 00:17:28,304 to your kinkside 479 00:17:29,244 --> 00:17:31,884 in some ways? Yes. They're imperfect. No. It's 480 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,424 not enough. But 481 00:17:34,044 --> 00:17:36,204 if that idea if that resonates with you, 482 00:17:36,204 --> 00:17:38,444 if there's an appeal to that, there you 483 00:17:38,444 --> 00:17:38,944 know, 484 00:17:39,964 --> 00:17:40,944 there's no reason 485 00:17:42,049 --> 00:17:44,329 to not seek out community and friendship Right. 486 00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:45,910 Just in general. Mhmm. 487 00:17:47,009 --> 00:17:49,250 So, yeah, that that is what I have 488 00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:51,190 to say. Mhmm. Okay. Okay. 489 00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:54,130 Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q 490 00:17:54,130 --> 00:17:55,345 and a episode. If you want us to 491 00:17:55,345 --> 00:17:57,184 answer one of your questions, just use the 492 00:17:57,184 --> 00:17:59,825 contact page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, 493 00:17:59,825 --> 00:18:01,105 or you can find the link in the 494 00:18:01,105 --> 00:18:02,865 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 495 00:18:02,865 --> 00:18:05,184 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 496 00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:07,025 do this podcast and keep it going and 497 00:18:07,025 --> 00:18:09,585 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 498 00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:10,230 like to be part 499 00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:15,146 of our community and get access to extra 500 00:18:15,146 --> 00:18:15,262 content and a Discord server with a group 501 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:15,589 of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can 502 00:18:15,589 --> 00:18:18,630 do that. 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