You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords
here with the one, the only, the
I love you and I have nothing else
to say, John Brownstone. I love you too,
baby girl.
The the snarky brain is not snarking right
now. Give me a moment. Once I get
warmed up,
I'll sass you left, right, and center. But
right now,
I got nothing creative.
I'll go with it. Yeah. Take it while
you can. Just take it while you can.
That's not what we're talking about this week.
This week, a submissive wants to get back
into
power exchange and kink with their dom after
a lot has gone on in their life,
but absolutely nothing is happening.
Yeah. Not at all. Welcome to the Loving
BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help
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An announcement.
We are going on our summer schedule,
right after this episode,
comes out. And so what we have decided,
is there will not be a Monday episode
until the end of summer. We are in
Florida, so the end of summer is not
when you think it is.
Right? We've changed our livestream time for the
summer so that we don't melt in the
middle of the day.
And so we're going to
not record q and a episodes
through that time as well.
You can still send us your questions. And
once we get back to our
regularly scheduled time, we will come back to
recording these episodes, and we'd love to have
a bunch of questions to come back to.
But, yeah, we're we're going on a a
summer schedule that's not a full hiatus,
but, also, we don't wanna melt in our
office and recording space. So Right. Just remember.
And, you know, in in Florida we have
summer
and then summer summer.
Yeah. And then the two weeks of winter.
Spring is when we preheat for summer. Yeah.
Summer
really can start, like, May
if depending on temperature and can run until
October minimum. I've even still felt summer heat.
Into November. Right.
We get fall ish
for
a few weeks.
Well, we get fall ish for a couple
months and, like, interspersed, and it'll be, like,
a week where it's really cold. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Yep. Yeah. So, yeah, we're we're in summer
summer. Yep. Mhmm.
My husband and Dom and I have been
married for ten years together for twelve, and
we have a twenty year age gap where
I am younger.
When we were early into dating, I made
it clear, at least from what I thought,
but I admit I've gotten better at communication
since then, that I knew submission was an
identity pillar for me and that it was
something that couldn't be changed and was a
critical piece of what makes me me.
I love him and to his credit, life
has been crazy. We moved across the country,
have both had our issues with our mental
health, can't forget the pandemic.
His relapse, that was the most difficult. Rock
bottom happened and we've been in a couple
sessions for almost a year now and have
rebuilt a lot of trust.
The whole time, DS never happened. Sure there
was some kinky fuckery. Rarely, no power exchange,
no munches, no dungeons, no rules, no expectations,
no negotiating,
no yes no maybe lists, no interest in
books. I can say we've tried an app
and it continuously falls through.
I can't help but think that he isn't
as interested
in this. I've brought it up and in
and out of sessions, he swears he's interested.
Actions speak louder than words and there's been
no action or initiation
on his part. Life's been difficult and I
expect the ups and downs, but it's not
an ebb if it never flows.
I love him and we do so well
in every other aspect. We've had poly discussions
and he used to be open to it
for casual sex, but he is now determined
that he isn't comfortable with me having another
dominant in my life.
I'm also a super anxious person. I'm so
in my head on this and it's driving
me crazy. I just want to explore, find
my physical limits, play with new toys, or
maybe even just the ones I've already paid
for.
Anything.
Is this sub frenzy? Am I being too
needy? Am I asking for too much?
Wow.
I think we can those last three questions,
I think is an easy answer.
Yeah. I mean And that answer is?
No. No. You are none of those so
that's not sub frenzy to me, what what
you've described. And no, you're not too needy,
and no, you're not too much. No.
You know, I'm I'm afraid it it kinda
comes back to the thing you can lead
a horse to water, you can't make him
drink.
Mhmm. You know, if
if deep down,
he is not interested in being a dominant,
there is nothing that's going to
to make it work in that aspect. Now,
on on the other side of that coin,
I'm very glad that you brought this up
in therapy, as part of your therapy, which
is really really good.
And, you know what? Yes. Life is crazy.
We just went through a stint of crazy
life this past
month. In the past five years, but we're
not really counting. And, yeah. You know.
And,
you know, sometimes it's the the little
small things that we have that get us
through.
So, you know, maybe that's what you all
need to look at.
You know, sometimes when when life get
crazy,
you need simple things that,
you know, look simple from the outside,
but can have a big impact in some
ways.
And that are will not overwhelm somebody who
may already be overwhelmed at other parts of
life. You're talking about a relapse
And let me go back. Let me make
sure I'm listing all these things correctly.
You know, mental health, that's huge.
The pandemic messed us all up. And your
dom had a relapse of some sort. You
don't go into details and you don't need
to. That's huge. When you say rock bottom
happen,
it can take a long time
to crawl out from rock bottom Yeah. Just
to get to level ground again, let alone
trying to climb new heights. Right? So Absolutely.
There's also
the fact that
your partner may need more time than you
need. That doesn't mean you can't do anything.
I don't think that means that you shouldn't
be able to ask for what you want
and make it clear what you want. I
agree with you. Doing small things
can, you know,
give you some of what you need and
also probably help your partner realize that maybe
he can trust himself again, that he really
can do this. You know, depending on the
situations
y'all were in and specifically that he was
in, does he even trust himself right now?
Is he got any amount of confidence in
his ability, not just as a dom, but
as a human being right now? Like,
there's a lot that goes into
wanting to be
intimate with a partner, wanting to
dominate or be dominated. And it's not just
the desire to do it. There has to
be this belief in yourself that you can
do it. Mhmm. Especially if your confidence was
completely rocked and you haven't been able to
do anything you used to do in however
long it's been. I know I know for
me, when I hit rock bottom with my,
depression,
you know, it it wasn't pretty. And last
thing I wanted to do was jump into
a full blown
Mhmm. You know, DS relationship.
We
talked about it long and hard, and and
we started rebuilding small, you know. And and
we are still in the process of rebuilding
almost a year later. Mhmm. That's our whole
project for 2025. Yeah. And we don't get
to do all the things that come to
either of our minds all the time. Like,
it I might suggest something, and I have,
actually. We're in the process of negotiating, and
it could be a month or so before
we make it happen. So all that being
said, that does not make what you want
and need too much, does not make you
too needy.
The
knowing what you want and missing it is
not sub frenzy.
Doing
less advisable things that could put you in
harm's way
in order to have that experience of submission,
that is typically sub frenzy.
So
the thing first to determine
is are you both
genuinely still interested?
You have shared here all the things you
have said, all the things you know you
want. What has your dominant partner said to
you? How are they expressing themselves?
If they are at the point where you
say it all and they go, Yes, that
sounds good, and they have no ideas of
their own, they have they don't even initiate
the conversations,
then the conversation to have is, Okay,
husband, I need you to get really real
with yourself and me, and where are you
actually at right now? It is certainly not
uncommon for a dominant,
especially men, just in general,
thanks, you know, to a patriarchal
society for but for a dominant,
sometimes man, but not necessarily,
to be unable to admit to themselves
that they feel insecure. They have a lack
of confidence. They're not sure if they even
know what they're doing anymore.
You know? It it's almost like they think
that they're
admitting defeat or weakness. Well, weakness is not
necessarily a bad thing. Every single one of
us has weak moments, weak points,
places and and times of life where we
need to lean on other people.
And but if you have a partner who
is not being real with themselves
or you about that, you're gonna stay in
this cycle of, yeah, yeah, we can do
that. Yeah, yeah, we can do that. And
then no follow through. No initiation.
No nothing. Right? And then both of you
are dissatisfied,
two different levels. You're dissatisfied because you're like,
I want all these things. I'm getting none
of them. And depending on the type of
person your partner is, they're disappointed in themselves.
They're they hate that you're unhappy.
They think they're failing at something.
So
the very beginning, there needs to be a
level set of where your partner actually is
mentally and emotionally when it comes to what,
you know, what kind of kink life you
maybe can have.
And, if it's completely incompatible, if they, you
know, get honest with themselves and then therefore
you and go, yeah. I don't want this
anymore. Only you get to decide if Right.
If that's a deal breaker. Now
I never want personally to make somebody
feel
bad or feel ashamed because they're not interested
in opening up their relationship because it was
a very personal choice and nobody gets to
dictate
whether a partner agrees to non monogamy or
not.
But the thing I find interesting is that
at one point, your partner was like, sure.
Sure. We can open it up for casual
sex, but, no. We can't open it up
for kink. Well, that implies a responsibility
on the part of that partner to provide
the kink.
Like, you know, if you're willing to be
non monogamous at all, sometimes you're just not
even willing. It doesn't matter. Okay. Different decisions
need to be made. But if non monogamy
is kind of on the table,
but the one thing you desperately need and
crave that your partner knows, that your partner
normally gives you, and they're unwilling to give
it to you,
like,
that's another deep discussion that has to be
had. That does not mean just do what
you want anyway. That does not mean that
your partner is wrong for feeling that way,
but I do think it's unfair to you
for that. Like, no. No. No. You can
go do these other things, but this one
thing you're craving that I could provide and
I am unable and or unwilling to, you
can't go get that anywhere
else. Well, okay. Then what are your options?
What other options do you have? Would be
the question I'd be asking. It's like, if
you're not ready to be my dom or
you don't wanna be my dom at all,
what are my like, what are we supposed
to do here?
But, you know, just from some of what
you've listed,
I I would be shocked,
if there's
a mental fortitude and readiness and confidence
Yeah. There Yeah. Ready to, like, to be
able to step into the dominant
role. And if if they either think they
can't do it anymore because it's been so
long since they've done it, or they just
don't feel like they're they're ready yet to
do that, that's the honest conversation to have,
and they need to get honest with you
about that. And, you know,
to be to be honest about it too,
let's face the facts. You know, you've been
through some stuff. Mhmm. Okay?
And and just like our just like us,
RDS right now does not look anything like
it did Mhmm. Five or ten years ago.
Mhmm. Alright. So if you're trying to recreate
what you had, that could be part of
the problem too. Right. Okay.
You know,
as as time moves on, you know, we
found we could not go back to what
we had. So we kinda had to start
from scratch a little bit. Mhmm. You know,
some things, yes, did stay, but for the
most part, things did get shook up and
we had to move in a different direction.
Right. We had to do things differently than
we had done. Right. Two other thoughts come
to me. First of all, you say there's
a twenty year age gap. Now
even if you somehow got met and got
married when you were 20,
and now it's ten years later, that still
means, like, the minimum your partner might be
is 50, but I kind of imagine maybe
they're in their sixties or closing in on
60.
60 can be rough. Okay? And if your
partner is actively
feeling their age and maybe they're even noticing
mentally, emotionally, physically that they don't function like
they did. I hope they're talking to you
about that. I hope they're talking to somebody
about that.
But that absolutely on the physical side of
kink has has made a huge impact on
our power exchange. JB sometimes physically cannot do
the things he once could. Now maybe he
For as long as I did. Right. Like,
the stamina is not always there. The
you have had more injuries and health issues
recently, and so that puts the kink side
completely on the back burner until we get
those worked
out. Figure out what the new normal is.
So there that could absolutely be,
an aspect too that y'all want to talk
about. I know it took JB a while
to start admitting to me,
I don't feel like I did a few
years ago. I I get tired more easily.
I don't you know, I get out of
breath more easily. I this hurts. That hurts.
You know, if your partner is already maybe
not
in a place where they feel like they're
they can
fully bare their soul to talk about
their emotional state, the physical state might be
part of that. And that can knock your
confidence too when you physically can't do things
she wants to. So that's one thing. The
other thing is, yes, there's a lot in
kink that, you
know, either requires a partner or is just
better with a partner, but is there anything
that says you can't go to munches,
you can't read books,
you can't do online workshops? Maybe
the if you do, like, let's say an
online workshop, maybe that low pressure situation is
enough for your partner to be willing to
just sit in the same room and you
don't have your headphones in and and you
let the speakers play whatever is being taught,
you know? Sometimes we can educate each other
through osmosis that way.
So are there things that you can do
on your own that
are enjoyable? Like, I completely get the idea
of I don't want to go to these
things or be in these spaces
by myself because all it does is make
me think of who's not here with me,
that that's completely valid. But there is nothing
wrong with you making your own kink friends.
If in person stuff is not really an
option, what can you do online? What communities
can you be a part of? Who can
you get to know and just have somebody
to talk to about, you know, things you're
interested in or what you're going through or
whatever whatever?
There's
in my mind, there should be nothing that
stops you from doing that except you. And
then I would say, okay. Please try not
to to do that to yourself, even though
I totally get anxiety and social anxiety and,
like, all of that.
But
that is another avenue to explore just for
yourself
while you're working these things out or figuring
out what the new reality is gonna look
like for the two of you. So yeah,
let's see if we could do a quick
recap here.
See if you can get your partner to
have an a deep honest conversation about where
they're really at. Not the yes I want
to do this with you, but the why
it's not happening. Like in whatever way y'all
relate to one another, like kind of push
a little bit. But why is it confidence?
Is it is it fear? Is it you're
just not quite ready yet? Whatever it is,
get deep into those conversations.
Realize, like JB said, whatever you come up
with probably won't look like what you had
before because everything has changed since then. Mhmm.
It may be that there's just more time
needed.
Right. Could be an aging issue that's killing
the confidence and the stamina and all of
that. Mhmm. And then what can you explore
on your own that lets you connect
to your kinkside
in some ways? Yes. They're imperfect. No. It's
not enough. But
if that idea if that resonates with you,
if there's an appeal to that, there you
know,
there's no reason
to not seek out community and friendship Right.
Just in general. Mhmm.
So, yeah, that that is what I have
to say. Mhmm. Okay. Okay.
Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q
and a episode. If you want us to
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