You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only,
the are you as sweaty as I am?
John Brownstone. And tired. Yeah. Definitely sweaty. Yep.
Yeah.
I'm sure that is intriguing. And anybody who
is new here is like, tell me more.
This is what this is what I'm here
for. Yep. No. That's not actually what we're
talking about. We're just we're Floridians, so we
we have to complain about the heat. It's
what we do at this time of the
year. We're Floridian. Floor Floridian.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Okay.
Never mind. This week, a new submissive ended
a relationship with a potential dom before they
could actually get to experience power exchange.
And now they wonder what they're supposed to
do as a newly single, but still very
inexperienced.
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Okay, now let's get into the question.
I met a Dom by accident on Tinder.
He suggested I look into BDSM, DS Dynamics,
all of it before we went any further.
We went out while I was researching, so
the connection for me grew. We went out
for about two months before he ended things
and we didn't get to any of the
BDSM stuff.
We had sex maybe three times and choking
was the only non vanilla thing we did.
Anyway, I'm now here. Things have just ended.
I never got to experience a true DS
dynamic or romantic relationship of any kind.
I feel the BDSM lifestyle would be good
for me, enabling me to give up control,
not worrying about everything all the damn time,
and just an overall relief of decisions, duties,
etc. I know there's more to BDSM and
a DS lifestyle than that. I just haven't
gotten into it all. We went through the
menu of items but never talked about a
contract or what we would could potentially add.
I was introduced to the Obedience app.
Should I continue and try to find a
dom that would want a 99%
newbie sub or maybe a mentor of sorts?
Do I just keep with vanilla and not
worry about doing anything specifically BDSM anymore? Do
I go solo and train to be a
sub on my own while trying to find
the right Dom for me? I just don't
know where to go from here.
Lot of options.
You can do any and all. There's no
right answer. Exactly.
You know, you you have,
an ability at the moment with with the
with the, way life has presented it to
you. You. You you could go
and and just go to workshops
and and, you know, learn what what you
want to learn, learn what you're interested in.
The very first thing that came mind reading
this question,
you know, if you have the availability
of of any BDSM clubs that you can
go to,
you know, you can go to a club
and most clubs do have the ability to
negotiate for pickup play, you
know. And if
if masochism is something that you're you're, you
know,
would would like, that's a good way to
try different things,
and and not be tied down in a
sense, but get your feet wet and and
see what you
like. Knowing what you like and what you
want
out of Diaz is going to go a
long way to finding yourself a dom when
you're ready. Mhmm.
Agreed. I
what are words? I agree completely.
That is what I'm trying to say.
A few things come to mind. So first
of all, in order to make this decision
for yourself,
one question I have is how much
of of your inner self is thinking about
the power exchange and the kink that you
want? Is it a thing where you're kind
of ambivalent?
Well, then do what feels kind of like
to do whatever. It doesn't matter. But if
you are feeling a pull towards
submission and a potential,
you know, power exchange in the future,
then you don't have to give up on
it. You don't have to actively go look
for another dom either. Now you can, you
know, keep, you know,
try
you could try kinky dating apps. Field is
one that's very open to kink.
Mhmm. Laura, I think, is another. Maybe so.
You can do that. You can do specifically
kink stuff to meet specifically kink people, or
you can just kind of
put some stuff in your profile of the
non kink apps that you might be on.
Feel free. The thing though that I recommend
for anybody
anybody kinky, but especially an inexperienced
submissive, I want you to worry less
at this point in finding a dominant partner
and focus on finding a kinky community. You
might find your next, you know, kinky BFF.
You might find a partner, but what you
will absolutely do is have people around you
who can
maybe
you can bounce ideas off of. Maybe you
can just learn from them. Maybe you just
have support
Right. When you're looking for play or a
a romantic partner. So it is good to
have people validate you in in the things
that you like, you know,
to be with BDSM being, you know, kind
of on the fringe of things when you
have, you know, a a group of friends
that validate the things that
you like, that that can go a long
way too. And if you have you find
the right kind of friends and have and
and develop that relationship, you will also hopefully
have friends who will tell you, you are
ignoring red flags, my friend. You are in
the middle of sub frenzy and something unsafe
could happen.
But it it's not just about finding, like,
your your kink BFF. It's
it's about learning more about
yourself as a kinkster,
more about BDSM in general, potentially more about
power exchange
without the pressure of a relationship that you,
you know, quote need to have it work
out or not. Right?
Community and the opportunity for education and just
seeing how other people do things Mhmm. In
my opinion, is gonna make you much better
prepared for any potential dominance you might meet
in the future wherever you meet them on
an app, online,
in person. Now if you live in an
area that's either a major metropolitan area or
in a region that has is close to
a major metro area,
you will absolutely have access more than you
realize to munches workshops
dungeons stuff like that
if you live in a more rural area
you'll have to think more regionally to see
what's out there
you might also just be surprised at what's
out there even in a small area, but
the online
kink community is is just as legitimate. It's
different. Right? It's different than in person,
but that's always an option to just
go
be out where other kinky people are and
see what kind of conversations you get into.
And And a and a shameless plug, you
know, we we have a wonderful
Discord server
that is has a lot of wonderful people
in there and is a is a amazing
community in and of itself. And that is
available through our Patreon,
if you are so inclined.
But, you know, I can't tell you. We
can't tell you, should you go seek a
a Dom? Should you just keep it vanilla?
What is it that you ultimately want? Not
what do you think is feasible or possible?
And I say that because it is very
easy to believe especially after a failed attempt
with a kink partner that that was it.
That was your one shot. Nobody else is
out there and or it will always go
like it did this time. That is not
necessarily true.
But especially as a as of while you're
single,
do what JB said at the top. Focus
on learning what you can learn. You're going
to be better suited to negotiations
bottom and not just as a submissive.
I know I like this. I know I'm
curious about that. You're gonna have a sense
of how you wanna be treated by watching
how
other doms treat their subs, by interacting with
people who you're not trying to be a
partner with, but maybe you respect them. Maybe
you find the people you don't respect and
you're like,
I see this kind of behavior. I've I've
witnessed it. I've watched other people go through
it. I know what I'm not going to
accept now.
Mhmm. But, ultimately, that's your decision. What kind
of pull and draw do you feel towards
it? Does it
feel currently too difficult to think about being
a single submissive? That's valid too. Sometimes you
just need a break from it. Sometimes you
need to be like, okay. I'm not even
gonna worry about kink right now. I'm just
gonna go, like, get the rest of my
life sorted for a hot minute. And if
it comes back up, it comes back up.
That that's always an option as well.
In response to, can I even find a
Dom who wants a mostly new submissive?
Absa fucking literally.
Dominants, like any other group, are not a
monolith.
Dominance out there who only wanna play with
an experienced person, who, you know, they don't
wanna go through that process. Mhmm. There are
some doms who genuinely like, you know, being
with newer submissives.
Caveat,
be
careful with this, the type of dominant who
only ever wants to be around people who
don't know what they're doing
because, yes,
plenty of those people are legitimate, but that
is where
predators will also be lurking because they're banking
on inexperience
to get what they want.
So keep that in mind. That's not to
say that every dom who,
you know, wants a new you know, an
inexperienced sub is is a bad one. No.
No. No. I mean, I have come across
some people who are like, yeah. Then the
the theory being if you are new to
submission, then I can teach you what I
like. Mhmm. And we don't have to unlearn
some habits that are not beneficial to the
relationship. But I'm just saying just be careful.
Right. Just be careful. Yep.
But, ultimately,
what is it that deep down in your
soul, your gut, your psyche, pick your spots?
What is it you want? And then you
it's legitimate no matter what it is. Mhmm.
But,
if your fear is you'll never find somebody
else again, um-mm. No. I don't. It's the
the more typical luck is you'll find somebody
and they will live several time zones away
from you
across an ocean, across a country, across a
continent.
But, you know,
you don't know what's out there. So
if you're gonna stick with the kink side
of things,
focus on yourself and learning what you can
about what submission means to you
so that you have a level of,
maybe not,
lived experience, but, like, witnessing things and workshop
learning.
And you have a level maybe of more
confidence.
You have a level of confidence
when you do come across that person who
might make a good dominant partner. Our basic
philosophy is go find friends first. Yeah. If
they become a partner later, great. But that's
never the goal. You because ultimately,
I think if you're looking for a long
term
relationship
as a as a kinkster,
you wanna like them as a friend.
So when you go out of the kink
community and you just focus on what you
can learn as being a submissive in the
community you can find.
You find friends and maybe something happens and
maybe something doesn't, but ultimately, I think you're
a better kinkster for it. And I I
just wanna touch on something real quick just
to,
one of the things that was mentioned in
this, you know, was, maybe a mentor.
I know there,
you know, there is the camp that does
not like mentors
at all, and the other, you know, the
other side that says, yeah, having a mentor
is a good thing. And
I'm I'm kind of of the
mentors can be good
camp,
but what, you know, what I what I
would say
as a submissive,
if you really want a mentor,
find a submissive mentor. Mhmm. Okay.
You know, a a a dominant mentor,
not the worst thing in the world, but
they are going to
basically
teach you
what they know. And what they like. And
what they like.
Not to say that's not gonna happen also
with a with a submissive to a certain
extent, but as a submissive submissive yourself,
it will help you figure out who you
are as a submissive, what you, you know,
it's it is wonderful having that support system.
Right. Now I am of the camp that
if that's what you want and some you
know, and that works for you, great. I'm
of the camp you don't fucking need a
mentor. You don't. You need a community. You
need access to resources
that can be trusted. That's what you need.
If a mentor fits into that and the
the vibe is right and you vet them,
just like you would vet a partner. You
ask some questions and you pay attention to
patterns of behavior
and do their words and their actions align,
all of that for sure.
She's been given corner time for that one
now. You came in here like a very
grumpy daddy.
Anyhoo.
So do you need one? No. If you've
come across somebody or if that feels important
to you, great. But make sure they are
who they say they are
and, you know, see if you can contact
people they worked with in the past. Like,
just just make sure they're legit because sometimes
they're not.
But, again, that all comes down to what
what feels right to you in the moment.
And then remember, you might follow that path
of this is what I think I need
and discover it doesn't. It's not quite right.
You get to change your mind at any
point. Okay? You get to completely withdraw from
the Kin Community at any point. You get
to stop using the vanilla apps at any
point. You get to go down the path
of seeking a mentor and go, nah, maybe
not at any point. Right. Okay. You are
not trapped in a single,
path or lane or choice Right. When it
comes to that. This is your journey, and
the road isn't going to
diverge however you see
fit that it does for you. Exactly.
Exactly. Mhmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingBDSM.net,
or you can find the link in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd
like to be part of our community and
get access to extra content and a Discord
server with a group of super cool, super
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join
us at patreon.com/kaylalords.
That's patreon.com/kaylalords,
or use the link in the show
notes.