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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla

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Lords here with the one, the only,

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the are you as sweaty as I am?

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John Brownstone. And tired. Yeah. Definitely sweaty. Yep.

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Yeah.

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I'm sure that is intriguing. And anybody who

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is new here is like, tell me more.

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This is what this is what I'm here

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for. Yep. No. That's not actually what we're

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talking about. We're just we're Floridians, so we

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we have to complain about the heat. It's

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what we do at this time of the

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year. We're Floridian. Floor Floridian.

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Nope. Nope. Nope. Okay.

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Never mind. This week, a new submissive ended

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a relationship with a potential dom before they

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could actually get to experience power exchange.

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And now they wonder what they're supposed to

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do as a newly single, but still very

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inexperienced.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're

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new here, we help kinksters like you have

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happy, healthy power exchange relationships.

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At the podcast, your favorite podcast app so

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you never miss an episode. And if you'd

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like us to answer a question that you

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have, you can do that. Just use our

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contact page. It's literally labeled ask your questions,

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to send that to us. You can find

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that on our website at lovingBDSM.net.

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That's lovingBDSM.net

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or down in the show notes.

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Okay, now let's get into the question.

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I met a Dom by accident on Tinder.

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He suggested I look into BDSM, DS Dynamics,

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all of it before we went any further.

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We went out while I was researching, so

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the connection for me grew. We went out

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for about two months before he ended things

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and we didn't get to any of the

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BDSM stuff.

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We had sex maybe three times and choking

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was the only non vanilla thing we did.

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Anyway, I'm now here. Things have just ended.

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I never got to experience a true DS

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dynamic or romantic relationship of any kind.

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I feel the BDSM lifestyle would be good

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for me, enabling me to give up control,

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not worrying about everything all the damn time,

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and just an overall relief of decisions, duties,

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etc. I know there's more to BDSM and

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a DS lifestyle than that. I just haven't

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gotten into it all. We went through the

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menu of items but never talked about a

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contract or what we would could potentially add.

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I was introduced to the Obedience app.

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Should I continue and try to find a

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dom that would want a 99%

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newbie sub or maybe a mentor of sorts?

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Do I just keep with vanilla and not

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worry about doing anything specifically BDSM anymore? Do

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I go solo and train to be a

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sub on my own while trying to find

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the right Dom for me? I just don't

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know where to go from here.

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Lot of options.

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You can do any and all. There's no

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right answer. Exactly.

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You know, you you have,

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an ability at the moment with with the

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with the, way life has presented it to

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you. You. You you could go

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and and just go to workshops

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and and, you know, learn what what you

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want to learn, learn what you're interested in.

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The very first thing that came mind reading

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this question,

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you know, if you have the availability

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of of any BDSM clubs that you can

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go to,

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you know, you can go to a club

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and most clubs do have the ability to

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negotiate for pickup play, you

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know. And if

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if masochism is something that you're you're, you

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know,

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would would like, that's a good way to

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try different things,

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and and not be tied down in a

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sense, but get your feet wet and and

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see what you

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like. Knowing what you like and what you

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want

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out of Diaz is going to go a

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long way to finding yourself a dom when

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you're ready. Mhmm.

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Agreed. I

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what are words? I agree completely.

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That is what I'm trying to say.

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A few things come to mind. So first

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of all, in order to make this decision

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for yourself,

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one question I have is how much

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of of your inner self is thinking about

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the power exchange and the kink that you

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want? Is it a thing where you're kind

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of ambivalent?

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Well, then do what feels kind of like

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to do whatever. It doesn't matter. But if

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you are feeling a pull towards

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submission and a potential,

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you know, power exchange in the future,

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then you don't have to give up on

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it. You don't have to actively go look

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for another dom either. Now you can, you

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know, keep, you know,

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try

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you could try kinky dating apps. Field is

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one that's very open to kink.

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Mhmm. Laura, I think, is another. Maybe so.

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You can do that. You can do specifically

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kink stuff to meet specifically kink people, or

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you can just kind of

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put some stuff in your profile of the

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non kink apps that you might be on.

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Feel free. The thing though that I recommend

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for anybody

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anybody kinky, but especially an inexperienced

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submissive, I want you to worry less

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at this point in finding a dominant partner

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and focus on finding a kinky community. You

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might find your next, you know, kinky BFF.

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You might find a partner, but what you

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will absolutely do is have people around you

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who can

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maybe

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you can bounce ideas off of. Maybe you

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can just learn from them. Maybe you just

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have support

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Right. When you're looking for play or a

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a romantic partner. So it is good to

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have people validate you in in the things

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that you like, you know,

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to be with BDSM being, you know, kind

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of on the fringe of things when you

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have, you know, a a group of friends

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that validate the things that

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you like, that that can go a long

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way too. And if you have you find

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the right kind of friends and have and

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and develop that relationship, you will also hopefully

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have friends who will tell you, you are

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ignoring red flags, my friend. You are in

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the middle of sub frenzy and something unsafe

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could happen.

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But it it's not just about finding, like,

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your your kink BFF. It's

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it's about learning more about

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yourself as a kinkster,

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more about BDSM in general, potentially more about

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power exchange

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without the pressure of a relationship that you,

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you know, quote need to have it work

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out or not. Right?

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Community and the opportunity for education and just

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seeing how other people do things Mhmm. In

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my opinion, is gonna make you much better

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prepared for any potential dominance you might meet

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in the future wherever you meet them on

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an app, online,

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in person. Now if you live in an

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area that's either a major metropolitan area or

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in a region that has is close to

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a major metro area,

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you will absolutely have access more than you

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realize to munches workshops

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dungeons stuff like that

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if you live in a more rural area

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you'll have to think more regionally to see

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what's out there

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you might also just be surprised at what's

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out there even in a small area, but

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the online

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kink community is is just as legitimate. It's

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different. Right? It's different than in person,

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but that's always an option to just

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go

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be out where other kinky people are and

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see what kind of conversations you get into.

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And And a and a shameless plug, you

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know, we we have a wonderful

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Discord server

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that is has a lot of wonderful people

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in there and is a is a amazing

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community in and of itself. And that is

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available through our Patreon,

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if you are so inclined.

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But, you know, I can't tell you. We

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can't tell you, should you go seek a

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a Dom? Should you just keep it vanilla?

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What is it that you ultimately want? Not

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what do you think is feasible or possible?

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And I say that because it is very

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easy to believe especially after a failed attempt

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with a kink partner that that was it.

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That was your one shot. Nobody else is

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out there and or it will always go

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like it did this time. That is not

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necessarily true.

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But especially as a as of while you're

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single,

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do what JB said at the top. Focus

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on learning what you can learn. You're going

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to be better suited to negotiations

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bottom and not just as a submissive.

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I know I like this. I know I'm

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curious about that. You're gonna have a sense

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of how you wanna be treated by watching

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how

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other doms treat their subs, by interacting with

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people who you're not trying to be a

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partner with, but maybe you respect them. Maybe

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you find the people you don't respect and

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you're like,

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I see this kind of behavior. I've I've

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witnessed it. I've watched other people go through

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it. I know what I'm not going to

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accept now.

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Mhmm. But, ultimately, that's your decision. What kind

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of pull and draw do you feel towards

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it? Does it

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feel currently too difficult to think about being

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a single submissive? That's valid too. Sometimes you

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just need a break from it. Sometimes you

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need to be like, okay. I'm not even

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gonna worry about kink right now. I'm just

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gonna go, like, get the rest of my

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life sorted for a hot minute. And if

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it comes back up, it comes back up.

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That that's always an option as well.

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In response to, can I even find a

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Dom who wants a mostly new submissive?

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Absa fucking literally.

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Dominants, like any other group, are not a

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monolith.

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Dominance out there who only wanna play with

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an experienced person, who, you know, they don't

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wanna go through that process. Mhmm. There are

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some doms who genuinely like, you know, being

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with newer submissives.

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Caveat,

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be

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careful with this, the type of dominant who

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only ever wants to be around people who

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don't know what they're doing

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because, yes,

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plenty of those people are legitimate, but that

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is where

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predators will also be lurking because they're banking

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on inexperience

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to get what they want.

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So keep that in mind. That's not to

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say that every dom who,

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you know, wants a new you know, an

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inexperienced sub is is a bad one. No.

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No. No. I mean, I have come across

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some people who are like, yeah. Then the

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the theory being if you are new to

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submission, then I can teach you what I

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like. Mhmm. And we don't have to unlearn

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some habits that are not beneficial to the

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relationship. But I'm just saying just be careful.

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Right. Just be careful. Yep.

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But, ultimately,

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what is it that deep down in your

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soul, your gut, your psyche, pick your spots?

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What is it you want? And then you

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it's legitimate no matter what it is. Mhmm.

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But,

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if your fear is you'll never find somebody

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else again, um-mm. No. I don't. It's the

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the more typical luck is you'll find somebody

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and they will live several time zones away

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from you

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across an ocean, across a country, across a

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continent.

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But, you know,

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you don't know what's out there. So

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if you're gonna stick with the kink side

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of things,

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focus on yourself and learning what you can

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about what submission means to you

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so that you have a level of,

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maybe not,

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lived experience, but, like, witnessing things and workshop

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learning.

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And you have a level maybe of more

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confidence.

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You have a level of confidence

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when you do come across that person who

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might make a good dominant partner. Our basic

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philosophy is go find friends first. Yeah. If

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they become a partner later, great. But that's

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never the goal. You because ultimately,

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I think if you're looking for a long

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term

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relationship

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as a as a kinkster,

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you wanna like them as a friend.

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So when you go out of the kink

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community and you just focus on what you

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can learn as being a submissive in the

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community you can find.

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You find friends and maybe something happens and

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maybe something doesn't, but ultimately, I think you're

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a better kinkster for it. And I I

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just wanna touch on something real quick just

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to,

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one of the things that was mentioned in

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this, you know, was, maybe a mentor.

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I know there,

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you know, there is the camp that does

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not like mentors

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at all, and the other, you know, the

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other side that says, yeah, having a mentor

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is a good thing. And

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I'm I'm kind of of the

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mentors can be good

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camp,

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but what, you know, what I what I

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would say

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as a submissive,

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if you really want a mentor,

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find a submissive mentor. Mhmm. Okay.

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You know, a a a dominant mentor,

336
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not the worst thing in the world, but

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they are going to

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basically

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teach you

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what they know. And what they like. And

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what they like.

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Not to say that's not gonna happen also

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with a with a submissive to a certain

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extent, but as a submissive submissive yourself,

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it will help you figure out who you

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are as a submissive, what you, you know,

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00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,964
it's it is wonderful having that support system.

348
00:13:08,345 --> 00:13:10,365
Right. Now I am of the camp that

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if that's what you want and some you

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00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,424
know, and that works for you, great. I'm

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00:13:14,424 --> 00:13:15,705
of the camp you don't fucking need a

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00:13:15,705 --> 00:13:18,504
mentor. You don't. You need a community. You

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need access to resources

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that can be trusted. That's what you need.

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If a mentor fits into that and the

356
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the vibe is right and you vet them,

357
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just like you would vet a partner. You

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ask some questions and you pay attention to

359
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patterns of behavior

360
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and do their words and their actions align,

361
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all of that for sure.

362
00:13:39,264 --> 00:13:41,264
She's been given corner time for that one

363
00:13:41,264 --> 00:13:43,745
now. You came in here like a very

364
00:13:43,745 --> 00:13:44,725
grumpy daddy.

365
00:13:46,065 --> 00:13:46,565
Anyhoo.

366
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So do you need one? No. If you've

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come across somebody or if that feels important

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00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:57,610
to you, great. But make sure they are

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who they say they are

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and, you know, see if you can contact

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people they worked with in the past. Like,

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just just make sure they're legit because sometimes

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they're not.

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00:14:08,245 --> 00:14:10,345
But, again, that all comes down to what

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what feels right to you in the moment.

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And then remember, you might follow that path

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00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,565
of this is what I think I need

378
00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,980
and discover it doesn't. It's not quite right.

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You get to change your mind at any

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point. Okay? You get to completely withdraw from

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the Kin Community at any point. You get

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00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,279
to stop using the vanilla apps at any

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00:14:27,279 --> 00:14:29,600
point. You get to go down the path

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00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,919
of seeking a mentor and go, nah, maybe

385
00:14:31,919 --> 00:14:34,295
not at any point. Right. Okay. You are

386
00:14:34,295 --> 00:14:35,915
not trapped in a single,

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00:14:37,014 --> 00:14:39,575
path or lane or choice Right. When it

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00:14:39,575 --> 00:14:41,595
comes to that. This is your journey, and

389
00:14:41,654 --> 00:14:43,274
the road isn't going to

390
00:14:43,815 --> 00:14:45,915
diverge however you see

391
00:14:46,449 --> 00:14:48,470
fit that it does for you. Exactly.

392
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,070
Exactly. Mhmm.

393
00:14:51,169 --> 00:14:52,309
Yeah. Yeah.

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00:14:52,929 --> 00:14:54,529
Thanks for listening to this week's q and

395
00:14:54,529 --> 00:14:55,970
a episode. If you want us to answer

396
00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:57,809
one of your questions, just use the contact

397
00:14:57,809 --> 00:15:00,225
page on our website at lovingBDSM.net,

398
00:15:00,225 --> 00:15:01,424
or you can find the link in the

399
00:15:01,424 --> 00:15:03,264
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

400
00:15:03,264 --> 00:15:05,504
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

401
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,264
do this podcast and keep it going and

402
00:15:07,264 --> 00:15:09,985
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd

403
00:15:09,985 --> 00:15:11,269
like to be part of our community and

404
00:15:11,269 --> 00:15:13,190
get access to extra content and a Discord

405
00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:14,870
server with a group of super cool, super

406
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,870
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join

407
00:15:16,870 --> 00:15:19,029
us at patreon.com/kaylalords.

408
00:15:19,029 --> 00:15:21,590
That's patreon.com/kaylalords,

409
00:15:21,590 --> 00:15:22,885
or use the link in the show

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00:15:30,325 --> 00:15:30,825
notes.