You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four
forty. Kayla Lords here with the one, the
only, the guy who looks as tired as
I probably look and would probably love to
curl up,
to take a nap. John Brownstone. That's right.
If I was capable of napping, I too
would wanna curl up and take a
nap.
And that's not a euphemism. That I don't
mean fuck. I mean sleep.
Sleep. I am. I get it. Snores and
all. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. Yeah. Not gonna happen.
No. That's okay. This week, we're continuing our
series about making power exchange work in the
real world by talking about the one thing
we think makes it all work, which is
consistency
with the help of routines. Mhmm. Mhmm. Welcome
to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is
your first time listening, glad to have you.
If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday
for your kinky pleasure in education, and show
notes are found at lovingBDSM.net.
Come back often and feel free to add
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that's at loving d s one.
On blue sky at lovingBDSM.
Blah blah blah blah.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM
where you can watch us live stream the
podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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peeps. What are words? How do they how
do I say them? I don't know. We're
able to keep being weirdos on the Internet
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in large part because of our kinky patrons,
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it's just it's just you could just breathe
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or use the link in the show notes.
We're gonna do that. You're gonna do that.
That button. Let's hit the right button. And
And we're gonna turn on the fan. So
that will be the that you might hear
in the background because we were just sitting
here talking for a few minutes and I
am once again sweating my arm. And I
bumped the air down too. Look, I had
a hot flash in the doctor's office this
morning y'all. And she just looked at me
like she's about my age or a little
bit older. She was just pure empathy. It's
like, yeah. I get
it. Anyway, I'll bitch about that in the
bonus section, I'm sure. Before we get started,
with this week's topic,
an announcement slash
reminder. We are on a break.
Really kinda technically starting from, like, Thursday or
Friday of this week, day after recording, through
to the Thursday of next week because my
mom's coming to town. And
I don't wanna juggle all the things we
do and visit. I just went, well, let's
take take some time. What? But there will
be a Monday episode. There just won't be
like, the newsletters will get all jacked up.
Posts online will get all jacked up. That'll
be a little
and then the announcement part of that is
that Friday, May 16, which is after my
mom goes home. It's a in a week
from the day of recording, a week and
a whatever.
We will have our Friday night livestream
virtual munch,
q and a thing that we do. So
we'll we'll come back in on that and
then be officially back.
Because there probably won't be a newsletter that
goes out that day,
the best way to know that we're live
is to be subscribed to our YouTube channel,
y'all, if you're not already. I mean, I'm
not saying that the notifications
ever work or always work, but they they
could be kinda useful sometimes. So if you're
not already subscribed, we'd love to have you
be subscribed. That'd be great. Yay. Okay.
Okay.
I am so annoyed
at how tired I am today
because I really wanna do this episode
justice.
Okay.
So
for right now, this will be the last
episode we do for a hot minute on
the Real World series.
And
the there are a lot of different topics
we can talk about and a lot of
different topics we have talked about, but quite
frankly,
probably the one once you get to communication
and negotiations
and limits and all like all
the the nuts and bolts is to make
it work in the real world. You have
to find the way to make it work
in the real world.
And
most people when they reach out to us
with questions or concerns,
not everybody, obviously, but a lot of people
will be like, well, we talked about a
thing, we started it, and then
we stopped. Or
my partner agreed, but then there wasn't follow
through. And there's lots of reasons that can
happen. So many reasons that can happen. But
one of those reasons is you haven't built
in
a routine or a system that works for
the life that you have and the people
that you are in this moment in time.
And
so we thought, hey. Let's talk about how
you can kind of do that. We cannot
tell you how to build the perfect routine,
but we can give you tips and strategies
both what,
you know, the Internet says of places we
trust, the Internet to say, and also from
our own experience. So you can hopefully take
that and go away to your own life
and go, okay.
Let's try some things.
Let's see. I'm going through my notes. Y'all
don't wanna I don't wanna miss,
anything. So we have done episodes on consistency,
which this episode is like how to be
consistent.
When we talked about the importance of consistency,
we've also talked about routines many times throughout
all of our episodes, but we do have
an episode on routines. And that is on
the side where you your relationship
staggates and it slows down and you're not
making
forward progress or movement and developing and growing
in your power exchange because you're stuck in
a rut because routines are not like all
powerful. They're not perfect.
But so we have that. And then because
this is part of establishing a routine, we
have an episode on changing
your habits
to fit with whatever you're trying to do
in your power change. All of those are
linked in the places. If you need a
refresher or if you've never listened to or
watched
those, they're linked in the places that adds
on to this. Okay?
Because if we try to talk about all
the things, how routines aren't always great and
why you need to be consistent
episode.
So so,
if
if those other things aren't
you you don't remember listening to them or
you're not sure if there's other parts of
it, the whys and the the hows,
maybe go check those out and then come
back to this one. I don't know.
But if you're still left with questions after
this one, go check out those others, and
hopefully we will have answered them.
Okay. I'm scrolling because there's
so many notes, y'all.
The other thing I wanna say is we
often I went back to a story I
posted on Instagram where I was like, hey,
we're gonna do this series. What do you
want us to talk about Mhmm.
Making your power exchange work in the real
world?
Easily,
10% of the responses were like, how do
I do this with long distance? How do
I do this with long distance?
We've talked about that before. We also Mhmm.
Plug
here. We have a workbook specifically for long
distance relationships
on the mechanics of how to set up
your,
power exchange so that it works for you
and you can keep it going
on, you know, for however long. So if
you are a long distance person and you
remember
going, hey, please talk about that at some
point, that might help you. But also the
stuff we're talking about today
transfers in person,
long distance,
because there's not it's not a prescribed method
of do these five things. What we're gonna
talk about are some things to think about
of how to figure it out for yourself.
Okay? And what will work in your life
right now?
Okay.
Now, I've said all of that, all the
caveats, all the Mhmm. Whatevers. I what are
words?
Before we get into it, anything? Nope. Okay.
Let's,
not You don't have to let me drive
this damn mouse. It's okay. Oh, my God.
Okay.
So
as we're gonna go through the different points,
there were things I was thinking of earlier
to say here. I've already forgotten them. I
hope they come back to me as we're
talking.
The thing about
any of these
steps and these things that you're going to
do, part of it you need to do
is document it somewhere. Take notes,
do a voice recording, have a shared Google
Doc, whatever your method
of personally trying to retain
information and information you want to share with
a partner so that you can both keep
up with it, do that. Okay? I don't
care if it's in the notes app on
your phone. Your method does not matter. It's
can you find that information again?
Can you remember that you have that information?
And is it something you can share with
your partner fairly easily? Okay?
So,
once you figure out what the routine will
be,
then
my recommendation is until it's an ingrained habit,
and for some of us, that's very fast,
and for some of us, that takes a
long time,
then I want you to document
that
what that routine is going to look like.
So you're gonna document
all the things as you're figuring them out.
Right? You're gonna the conversations we're gonna suggest
you have, the things we want you to
think about, you're gonna document those. And then
once you, like, go, hey. This is the
thing we think we wanna do. You're gonna
need to document that so you can keep
up with it. That, for some people, will
be planners and journals and and all of
that. For some people, it's gonna be to
do lists, which could be pen and paper
or
apps. For others, it's gonna be reminders on
your phone. The thing about a routine and
this was this is
I remembered when I was thinking earlier today.
The thing about building a routine Mhmm.
Is
that
you have to work with
your reality,
your mind body, and your wiring. Okay?
If you are a person who's been trying
for thirty years to make a bullet journal
work and it's never worked, I don't think
it's gonna miraculously
work now that you're in power exchange and
you're trying to create your routine. Maybe. But
I'm just saying, as somebody who has also
tried to make journaling work
for thirty plus years,
we have to find different methods. Yeah. And
sometimes the method that works for you now
will not be the method that works for
you later. And also to be consistent with
the routine that you're gonna try and figure
out together,
each of you in the relationship are gonna
have to use the methods that work for
you individually
and
together. So one of you might need 10,000,000
reminders on your phone
and a Google Calendar that's shared, and the
other one might need sticky
notes in strategic places
with the thing you're supposed to do. Like,
work if you've never tried to find the
methods that work for you to build a
routine, maintain habits, keep a schedule, whatever, this
is a great time to start playing with
different different options. But if you know what
works for you, do not try to reinvent
the wheel. Just adapt that for this. You
know, one of the things that
can be forgotten by some who are either
new completely to power exchange or just in
a new relationship is we are not reinventing
the wheel. All of your vanilla skills transfer.
Okay? Just like your kink skills can transfer
the other way. So you don't have to
do anything crazy and complicated.
If you wanna try one of the,
power exchange apps, Obedience is the one we
know about, haven't tried.
There are a few others.
They're still on our list to try these
and then report back.
Great. But if you know this is the
method that works for you at work,
see how you can adapt it for your
power exchange. Like, that's the that is one
of the things I think people
do forget about trying to do this. They
think they have to do something completely different
because the relationship style is completely different. You
really don't have to. Work work with what
you got and what works
for you.
Okay. The
these are in no particular order, so you
can put them in any order you want.
But these are the order. I wrote them
down. First thing you're gonna do, and it's
gonna sound obvious,
to figure out what your routine is,
is to figure out what activities you want
as part of your dynamic. Yeah. What do
you wanna do together? What do you want
it to look like? And that's,
up to and including,
bedroom only
within all parts of your life,
specific days, specific places, like what what is
it you're trying to do and when do
you ideally think you want to do it?
Some of y'all want what we have, which
is it's just ingrained into our life. Some
of y'all want very clear
times and spaces for that. Whether you want
that or it's what you need,
there you gotta figure that part out and
you gotta do the negotiations of, hey. We're
gonna do this power exchange thing. What's that
gonna look like?
Now as you're, like, figuring those things out,
out, especially if you all are new to
one another or to power exchange,
write it all down or document it, I
should say. In whatever method you're using, all
the ideas. Like, it's a little bit of,
like, throwing
something at a wall. What are we throwing
at the wall to see what sticks spaghetti
at the wall to see what sticks? That's
right.
Yeah. I'm I'm already melting in here. So
the brain's going first, I guess.
Because that is what you can go back
to and look at to kind
of piece together later. And some stuff's gonna
get rejected. You're gonna think it's a great
idea as you're talking about it. Yeah. And
then once you start thinking about the mechanics
or you try it once, you're like, oh,
nope. Wrong about that one. That's okay. Okay?
Just get it get it out of your
head.
Get it someplace where it's shareable with
the people who are gonna be part of
your routine.
Okay.
Anything you would add to that? Okay.
The other part of this, in no particular
order,
is gonna need an idea
of how much control the DOM wants or
just can have. Right?
How much
power the sub and control wants to give
up. You're you gotta Mhmm. You are not
necessarily gonna know this at the very beginning.
If you've never done this before, you're like,
fuck. If I know, that's fine. That's fine.
All of this is meant to be
figured out as you go. All of what
we're talking about is just to get you
started. Just like we tell you over and
over and over again in Power Exchange that
you're gonna go try something and then you're
gonna have to, like, check-in with one another
and maybe renegotiate.
This is the same thing. Okay? So you're
gonna have an idea in your head
that it might not match reality.
You might think
you might think, I want my Dom to
make all decisions for me. And your Dom
might even go, Sure.
And then you're gonna try that and one
or both of you are gonna go, Nope.
That It ain't working. That's not gonna work
for us. That's okay. That's okay. You gotta
try it sometimes Right. To know.
But also this is a good time to
think about
what would be part of your routine? What
would be part of your tasks? What would
be part of your rules? Right?
So
you don't have to be a service submissive
for this. To me, it's easier if you're
into service because it's like, what can I,
as a service submissive, do for you? What
what do you need? What will you let
me do? What do I wanna do? What
am I good at? Right?
But if you're not into service, it's more
like, okay. Do as from a submissive perspective,
do I wanna ask permission for things?
Do I just wanna know how I'm supposed
to act and behave and then
do that or learn how to do that?
Do I want very specific rules that I
follow?
And also high semesters. I need you to
remember, your Dom's gotta be willing to do
it.
That is true. If you wanna be micromanaged,
but your Dom is like, I think I'm
in the pits of hell with that. We
we gotta we gotta go back to the
the drawing board because remember, there's what your
dom wants and can do, what you want
and can do. And then what you're trying
to find is the Venn diagram
incompatibilities,
but sometimes you find that
your imagination has you wanting all of these
things, and it sounds great in your imagination,
but your reality is, like, paired back from
that and it's just as good. It's it's
satisfying. It's fun. It's fulfilling. It's whatever you
want it to be and need it to
be, and yet it doesn't match anything like
the fantasy that you thought you had. Or
I know how some of y'all are. Your
20 plan with your
I'm a call it a
what's it called? Slideshow thing. We they now
call them decks or whatever.
Fuck that shit. You know what I mean?
Like, PowerPoints is what I would call them.
Slide decks is I think what the new
generations call them. Yeah.
What the fuck ever. Like, some of y'all
wanna go that far and have that much
and
go into crazy crazy detail. That's great. And
for some of you, it might work. And
for some of you, it's not gonna work.
That's okay. All I'm saying is that's okay.
But you gotta be realistic about what each
side of you is willing to give Mhmm.
Both from the start of what, am I
willing to do that? Do I really want
that? And then
once you actually start trying it out and
realizing what actually works for your life. We
give this example all of the time because
it was our reality.
When we moved in together, I'm telling y'all
my list of things that I was supposed
to do, keep up with, keep track of,
remember rules. Y'all, it was 20. It was
easily 20 things.
I was immediately overwhelmed for a variety of
reasons. We've talked about that. Right. I do
not do 20 things now. No.
Nope. In no world do I keep up
with 20 things as JB Submissive. It's not
realistic for us.
Okay.
Now one of the things that I I
like to
remind people that you can do. Some people
want a very high touch
power exchange. You want whether you're the dom
or the sub, you want the dom in
that situation to give the permission to assign
the task, to tell you what to do
as a submissive.
Some people really want that.
I don't function that way. And plenty of
people don't. That can either feel stifling or
overwhelming
or just not doable with your real life.
I mean, this whole series has been look
at your real life Yeah. And make this
fit the life you have. Right?
The way we do it is I have
a couple of basic rules that I follow.
The big one we talk about all the
time is my truly my main rule is
just always be respectful. Yeah. Which is what
allows me to get away with a lot
of fucking sass.
As long as JB can read that I
am still being respectful. I'm not crossing that
line in the sand. Right. And you know
what? Just knowing that I need
to approach JB in a way that's still
authentic to me, but with
his authority in mind
is enough sometimes.
It doesn't always I'm not always
thinking about my headspace,
but it is a constant reminder
of my place in the relationship and his
place in the relationship.
The rest of the things I do, I
have autonomy.
The rules are set by JB. The tasks
are set by JB. If I do not
do the tasks,
there will be consequences.
But
we set them in our negotiation, in our
routine setting, and the way we're gonna make
this all work for ourselves.
And then it's I get to just sort
of do them.
And what that looks like I think am
I gonna get there? Hold on.
I gotta look at my notes. I don't
yeah. Okay. We'll get there. Yep. I'll talk
about how I make that work because some
people need set time and day and some
people don't. Like, you gotta work with who
you are to create the Oh, yeah. To
find the routine. Right?
Okay. So
let's do a quick recap. You figured out
what you think you wanna do as part
of your dynamic.
You have discussed and have come up with
notes and some plans of how much control
the Dom's gonna have, how how much control
the submissive is gonna give up. Okay. Great.
You are,
thinking about how you want that to look.
Do you want some autonomy as a submissive?
Do you want a lot of high touch?
Give me permission for this, that, and the
other.
The next thing you're gonna need to do
to figure out what this routine looks like
is what do y'all do well as individuals?
Because
some people think it's a little bit like
gender roles,
and the stereotypes and cliches of those. There
are
stereotypes and cliches of air quote what a
sub does.
No. A sub does what they're willing to
do that their dom wants. That's what a
sub does.
Subs don't automatically cook and clean. Subs don't
automatically
walk behind somebody. Subs don't automatically
do certain things.
If especially with service, if that's gonna be
part of your your dynamic,
service comes in all kinds of forms.
I am not the one who's best equipped
to do laundry in this house because We
would all be naked and it would all
smell moldy. Okay?
But I am the one that's best equipped
to pay the bills and deal with the
money. Now part of that's a grown up
responsibility,
but part of that is the service I
take on Mhmm. So JB doesn't have to.
And anybody who's been around a hot minute
knows it wasn't always that way. Correct. We
flipped it over the years. Mhmm. So
while you're thinking of, here are the things
I'm gonna do on my power exchange. Here
are the things I can do on my
power exchange. You have to add in, am
I even good at that and willing to
do it or willing to get good at
it? Right? And some of that you've got
to be
real with yourself.
Okay?
If you know
that you're going to burn the eggs every
time you scramble them,
maybe your job in this relationship should not
be cooking.
Yeah. Leave the eggs anyway.
Look. Look. I I have air quote, boiled
a pot of water until there was no
water in it. Okay?
Like, let's just be real here. Now can
you decide that you wanna get good at
that and that will be part of your
power exchange journey?
Of course you can.
But, you know, as you think of the
things you ideally want to do within your
power exchange, I I desperately need you to
be honest with yourselves
about what what you like to do, what
you can do, what you're willing to do.
Because part of one of the hardest things
in building a routine and setting it and
being consistent
is fighting yourself every step of the way
because you're dreading that thing. And so then
you procrastinate on it until what? You get
in trouble or you let your sub down
or now there's, you know,
upset feelings and the power exchange because it's
like you said, you would do the thing
and you're not doing the thing because
it's the worst fucking thing for you to
do.
Like, no. Don't do that. Don't do that.
Sometimes you will think you can do a
thing and then you'll start and you'll realize,
nope. Not for me. What do I got
myself into? Right. Yeah. Okay. So
we're being honest about what we do well
Yeah. And what we're willing to do.
Now here's the part and this is where
people kinda get
twisted about having a routine and keeping up
with it and the being consistent.
What does your schedule look like? What does
your life look like? Do you have a
ridge a fairly rigid schedule where you go
to work at the same time every day,
your kid if you're a parent your kids
go to school at the same time every
day, everybody's home at the same time. This
is whether you live together or not. You're
you can count on a schedule most of
the time.
That will be one kind of routine.
Is your life
constantly changing? Your job will have a different
schedule every week. You'll have a different commitment
every week. You gotta sing and that and
and you don't know from week to week.
That's gonna be a different kind of routine.
Mhmm.
If you try to set up something where
at 05:00
in the afternoon every day, you send a
text and it has to be at 05:00.
But sometimes at 05:00, you're out on a,
like, a, what, a field coaching a sport
ball for some small children?
Maybe that's not when you can send the
text. Right? Or make the phone call. If
at 05:00,
you're, like, in a business meeting. I don't
know what business people do, but those,
maybe that's not that's not the thing to
to do. Right?
So you've got to know your own
schedule. Mhmm.
Also know Know thyself.
This whole thing about the routine is know
thyself. The whole the whole fucking thing. And
some of it you're gonna figure out as
you go. Some of it you're gonna think
that you want and can do and it's
gonna be great. And then you're gonna do
it and go, I fucking hate this.
And that's okay. You're gonna shift and change.
Or you're gonna do a thing for six
months,
a year,
and then your life's gonna change. Oh, well,
none of that works. It doesn't fit anymore.
None of this works anymore.
Mhmm. The name of the game is flexibility.
The name of the game is flexibility. Now,
again, remember, I'm telling you, I want you
to document all of these things because you've
gotta to me,
you need to be able to go back
and look at it. Right? Because we're trying
to find the Venn diagram
of all of these things and what comes
out that overlaps and is doable. Right? And
that you want to do.
Now
here, after you've done all that, now it's
time to be thinking about what will this
routine look like.
That I'll give you just a little a
little peek into mine. I talk about it
all the time. If you've been here, you
probably know it better than I do. Okay?
I'll start the night before because that's how
my day starts. Right before when we go
to bed, I get the coffee pot ready
at night Mhmm. Without fail. Unless I am
literally sick and cannot function Correct. That is
what I am doing.
So So that in the morning, when JB
wakes up, all he has to do is
hit the button and he's got a cup
of coffee. After I get the coffee pot
ready, I'm going into the bedroom. I am
pulling down the covers. I am putting JB's
pillow the way he likes. I am tucking
in chairs. I am putting shit away, and
I'm getting myself ready for bed.
And part of that on days when I'm
wearing my collar is to stand there like
a good girl and wait for my collar
to come off. Mhmm. That's not a surface
thing. That's a submissive thing. I don't wear
my collar to bed because
I feel like I'm choking,
and I get overstimulated and I get panicky
and it can't stay on. So it's gotta
come off. We have a bit of a
routine with that. Right? We have a little
bit of,
what's the word I want?
There's a word for that that's not routine.
It's a kind of an intimate moment. I
can't think of the word, but y'all probably
know what I mean.
And that's that's a point of connection. Right?
And then I bend my naked ass over
the fucking bed, and I wait for permission
to go to bed. That's my routine. Is
there a set time that that happens? No.
Because sometimes we go to bed at 09:45
at night, and sometimes it's midnight. Yeah. The
routine is always the same. Right. When I
wake up in the morning,
what time I wake up depends on the
day we're having. Today, I had to wake
up at 6AM and I was very cranky
about it. Tomorrow, I have to wake
up at 5AM and I will be crankier.
The time is irrelevant in our
routine. When I wake up, and wake up
doesn't just mean my eyes have just opened.
It is when I am physically ready to
get out of the fucking bed. That is
mostly on me. That is my decision to
make. In our relationship, JP JB is not
coming in going, you need to get up.
I mean, unless I laid there for hours.
You Right. Back a million years ago when
I used to actually air quote sleep late
past 07:00 in the morning, he might. But
that's not our life now. Right? Yeah. When
I get out of bed, then the routine
begins again.
I have things I need to do. I
do the litter boxes for the cats. Mhmm.
That's not a service thing. That's just a
that's how we divvied up. It's a household
thing. Right. That's how we divvied some stuff
up. But a service thing is I get
JV's probiotic out because if he does not
see it, he does not take it. Nope.
I make JV's iced coffee. Yes. And I
try to make it early enough in my
morning routine
where
wherever time he's going out to work in
the shop or whatever he's doing, his coffee's
already there for him. Once I've got the
stuff set up that JB needs, then the
morning is mine to do whatever I'm gonna
do. And sometimes I'm real efficient and sometimes
I'm not.
Throughout the day, middle of the day,
I'm I'm working. JB's working.
We're being parents. We're doing all that stuff.
What JB will do then is he might
come to me with a task.
He assigns tasks as needed. I have certain
things
that I do morning and evening.
I'm always respectful.
He he is always the decider. None of
that changes. So anything that gets added to
my routine
is because he's making the ask and he's
like, hey, I need you to do this
for me baby girl.
Okay?
That routine works and is fulfilling to us
because it works with our life.
First thing in the morning and last thing
at night is when you're probably gonna get
most of my undivided attention. You just are.
Middle of the day, I got shit going
on. On. You're you're you're already by that
point, you're so
deep down in your,
Right. Yeah. And
for those of you, because I know you
and I'm gonna tell y'all
in part of this research how I was
reminded of these things.
For some of y'all, the idea of having
to do a prescribed thing at a specific
time every day is either just not realistic
or it makes your brain hurt. You're like,
I just can't.
Then don't.
Then don't. Negotiate that and don't.
For some of you, you're like us. Your
life is so fucking busy.
You don't have lots of dedicated time
all the time to give to the power
exchange.
Fine. Figure out when you do have dedicated
time. For long distance folks, this is extremely
important because the only way you're gonna maintain
a consistent power exchange is to figure out
your routine and probably some kind of schedule,
but it doesn't have to be a hard
and fast
anything. Okay?
For y'all, go back to my shameless plug.
We've got the workbook. It's literally worksheets.
Yeah. So you can you can figure these
things out for yourself.
They don't have to be big tasks. They
don't have to be they can be they
can be as,
as, you know, much fuckery as you want
them to be. Part of your routine could
be how you end your day and whichever
one of you is the sub is like
in a position or naked or bent over
something. Like, it can be
that or it can be this is a
thing you do because your dom asked you
to and you get it done
at whatever point works for both of y'all
within your life.
Okay?
It can be as much or as little
as you want slash need it to be
and that is extremely important
for people with hectic busy crazy schedules.
Go back to what last week, your caregiving
for a child or an adult,
that'll take a lot of your time and
energy. You have a chronic, illness, you're injured,
you your body will not hell, your mind
will not always let you do the things
that are prescribed time of day or in
a certain way,
then don't try to make yourself do that.
Find
little things
that let you feel connected
Mhmm.
That can fit within the schedule.
Let me say it again. If you want
to do I do this at 9AM and
I do this at 5PM and I do
cool.
But if that makes your brain hurt, it
does mine,
say,
when I wake up,
when I have my first meal, what
like, because those things might change day to
day. But if you're doing them around a
thing you're already doing, then it doesn't matter
what time of day it is.
K?
Or if it's, oh, I have to ask
permission before I do x y z,
then
for my subs subs out there who like
a little autonomy, what time of day works
best for you to ask for permission for
things you know you're going to need permission
for? Long distance folks, get used to asking
for permission if that's part of your dynamic
well before the time you need the answer
because you might not get an answer right
when you want it. That's true even when
you like live live together. If I can't
get to JB and like look his him
eyeball to eyeball to ask for permission for
something and I have to send a text,
maybe I'm out for the day, maybe he's
out for the day. I learned from being
long distance. I sure as shit better ask
as soon as I think of it
because he might not see that text until
it's after the time I wanted to do
the thing. If I'm driving, I'm picking up
the phone. Exactly.
But that to me, that gives you
options. It lets you fit the dynamic and
the things you're gonna do and the tasks
you're gonna do and the rules you're gonna
implement
into your current life, whatever
that looks like.
Okay?
Go if you're like, I really suck at
doing habits and changing and doing new things.
Go back to our episode
on changing, you know, learning new habits, changing
old habits.
We talked a little bit in that, I
think, about habit stacking, which is my favorite
thing.
I struggle with it, but it is my
favorite way to get a new habit.
I know to take my morning meds because
I do that when I eat my breakfast
and I eat breakfast every day because
after years of not, I now can't function
without breakfast first thing in the morning.
I
have the make the coffee
for JB in the morning routine
centered around certain things I'm already doing.
I make my breakfast is in the air
fryer or the microwave or whatever. Well, while
that's going, I'm making the coffee.
Oh. I walked out here to do this
thing. Let me stop, swing by and put
his probiotic out.
I put it all together with stuff I'm
already doing and I give myself
visual hints
of, oh, yeah. You need to do this
thing
so I can remember until it becomes ingrained.
And even then, not everything becomes ingrained. Some
of us are not wired for a habit
to be ingrained.
And I know the challenge of that. I
understand
the challenge of that. If you are the
submissive who has that struggle and your Dom
maybe does not, or your Dom has a
struggle but not where these specific things are
concerned, lean lean into the power exchange
for reminders
for whether they're sexy reminders or they're practical
reminders.
Because that's the other thing. People get very
worried about a air quote routine because they're
like, I'm not gonna remember. I'm not gonna
always remember. Okay. What will help you remember?
Is it a big whiteboard
in your bedroom or kitchen with the list
that you can physically see? Is it reminders
on your phone that pop up with alarms
or whatever? Hey. You gotta do this now.
Hey. You gotta do that now.
What is it for you that will help
you remember the things you're supposed to do?
Especially if you are
most likely neurodivergent, but I'm sure there's other
times this happens for folks where you can
do a thing every day for a year.
Right. And you have one day where you're
just not thinking thinking about it and you've
forgotten it for a week. Like, I get
it. That that's real. And and, you know,
that
let's talk about that from, you know, big
d perspective.
You know, one of the one of the
things that I hear a lot of
is,
you know, oh, my my my big d
didn't follow-up on their, you know, on my
task.
They didn't follow-up on this, follow-up on that.
And and, you know, that is so important.
That is a big part
of of being
consistent. Because it's not just up to the
s type to be consistent.
Right. Everybody has to be consistent in that.
Exactly. You know, so you you need to
make the, the commitment to, you know, following
up on what's going on.
And, you know, something that she that, Kayla
said earlier,
notes.
Notes. You know, there are times I have
so much stuff going on in my life.
I don't know which way is up or
down. Mhmm.
And and making notes and and having the
stuff that I can look at is is
tremendous. Mhmm. You know? Mhmm. And,
I I kinda learned some of this, you
know, in in other way because I I
do a lot of stuff with software.
And
sometimes in trying to
learn software,
you know, you're looking at manuals, you're doing
this, and and
the manuals never totally cover what is in
the real world when the software is out
in the wild.
So, you know, when I'm experimenting with software,
I'd make notes of what I do.
Mhmm. Because a few times now I've stumbled
on the stuff and,
like, how did I get here? How do
I make it happen again?
You know, but but that's why you you
wanna keep because you you need to be
consistent with with that. You know? It it's
no different than on your job you follow-up.
Mhmm. You know? And the thing is is
go back to what you said a while
back. Know thyself. Mhmm. If you are the
dom and you know
that you will forget shit, you will forget
to follow-up, you will
forget to pay attention at specific times.
One, use every tool you already have and
if you don't have any, go discover some
Right. To help yourself remember.
Right? Mhmm.
Two, if
remembering things
is a strength of your submissive partners or
something they're just willing to do, even if
they have to use all of their tools
that help them, lean on them. JB is
the absolute easiest thing to assign to me
is, baby girl, help me remember. I got
this. Now sometimes,
if my brain is not braining right, I'll
go I have a little bit of panic.
I mean, like,
hold that thought. I gotta write it down
five different places so I can remember to
figure out how I'm gonna help you remember.
But I take that on willingly as the
submissive. And that can be an act of
service. It can just be, hey. Mhmm. I'm
the dumb and I don't wanna have to
think about this, and I know I will
struggle to think about this. So you're willing
and you're able, I'm gonna put that on
you. You can call that a task if
you want. You can call it a service.
You just call it, I'm telling you to
do something because that's the nature of our
power exchange. Right. But you have to think
of you have to have some understanding of
your own strengths and weaknesses and your partner's
strengths and weaknesses.
Don't, you know, set each other up to
fail by trying to do something that goes
against every part of your personality and who
you actually are. What
what is even the point?
And you might get it it might get
good once or twice, but the amount of
times that you won't be able to do
it because it's literally not right for you,
that's a lot of defeat to feel for
something that's supposed to feel good and right
and fun and you know what I mean?
But I think sometimes
we want to believe that we're completely different
people now that we're we know we're kinkier
now that we're in this relationship. You are
still who you are Mhmm. With room to
improve and learn and grow Grow. Yeah. Of
course. And, you know, ideally, you're learning and
growing together
even better.
But you gotta be real with yourself first.
Yeah. You know? If you know you struggle
every day
to just remember your basic stuff, well, what
tools are out there that you're already using
or have you spent the time trying to
figure out what you can do? It's a
self growth kind of journey,
life generally is, but to
get good at something that you know maybe
does not come naturally to you,
that's part of the journey because it's in
benefit to yourself, of course, but it's in
it benefits the relationship,
helps the relationship be whatever it is you
want it to be.
The other thing I think about
is that a lot of folks get really
tied up in
all of Power Exchange, all of kink has
to be really big and obvious and bold.
Right?
It's a dismissive kneeling on the floor. It's
a Dom standing there looking kind of commanding.
Right?
Absolutely, it can be like that. But if
that's not gonna work for your life,
your mind, or your body,
why are we trying to do it? Mhmm.
Right? Again, there's one offs. You might play
with it because today's a good day and
you can play with it. But if that's
not gonna work day to day, don't force
it into being part of your day to
day. Right.
Look for
small subtle things. We did that episode a
couple weeks ago. Right? Mhmm. Look for things
that are meaningful to the two of you
that it's not just that nobody's gonna notice.
It's that
nobody has to notice it. It is literally
a thing that is important to to the
two of
you. Maybe it's if you live together. Maybe
it's how you meal plan. Is that the
job of the submissive because they're really good
at it and the dom is like, I
don't even wanna fucking think about it. Well,
guess what? Submissive can do it if they
agree to it.
Is it,
organizing the toys?
JB organizes the toys because that is what
he does.
And I gladly let him. But
maybe that's a thing that the Dom struggles
with and the, you know, the Smiths was
willing to do that for their Dom. They're
willing for that to be a rule that
they follow. Whatever.
Maybe it's bedtime. Maybe it's remembering to take
medication. Maybe like,
it can literally be anything in your life
that you
can
put the layer of power exchange over. Who's
in charge of this and why do we
do it this way? What is the motivation?
What is the context?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta take your medication
so, like, your blood pressure don't get too
high. But also,
me reminding you to do it is about
power control and taking care of.
You doing it when, you know, you reminding
your part your dom as a submissive Mhmm.
Is a service. Like, how
however
you
can think of those things, they can be
very mundane things that are part of your
routine that only have meaning to the two
of you. And then you're not twisting yourself
into knots to always be doing the, quote,
obviously
air quote that real big obviously kink thing
because sometimes there's space for that. Our obviously
kink thing is when JB whales like whales
on my ass. Okay.
Because he wants to watch it jiggle usually.
Like, he plays my ass like bongo sometimes
just because the the junk in this trunk
is jiggly. Okay?
And that will be And in the most
pleasant of ways.
That might be the most overtly kink thing
we do in a given day and it
might we might only have time for it
once a week.
And that's okay. That works for us. We
have not air quote failed. Right?
The rest of it has to be part
of who we are in the relationship that
we have, but also the life that we
have. How many times have I said that
over the course of this series and over
440
episodes
in general?
Now
the thing about implementing a routine,
you will fuck it up in the beginning
until you finally find a rhythm.
You might start out real strong because you're
really excited.
Fuck it up later.
And by fuck it up, I don't mean,
you know, stop caring about it. You might
have a day where you forget.
And then that turns into two days because
you haven't put your tools in place for
how are you and sometimes your tool is
your power exchange. One of you is reminding
the other as an act of service or
as an act of control.
Right?
You're it's like your power exchange in general.
You're gonna start it with this plan of,
okay, in the morning, I'm gonna do this.
In the afternoon, I'm gonna do this. And
in the evening, I'm gonna do this. And
then you're gonna go, wait. Some of this
doesn't work. This is I can't do it
this way. You're gonna go back and you're
gonna adjust.
Sometimes it's not about having even a specific
time of day.
It's here are the things you're going to
do as a dom or a sub
in any part of the day.
It happens when it happens.
That is a, I think a good one
for people who really hate the idea of
schedules and routines
and feeling like they have a a they
have to do things in a certain order
in a certain way all the time. Yes.
I hear the folks out there who are
like, how are you submissive if you don't
like that? Because that's not just what submission
is.
Me doing things for JB in the morning
and the night is not what makes me
submissive.
Me doing things
because JB said, I want you to do
things these things. And I went, okay. Sure.
Is what makes me submissive.
It's not you know, we work with who
we are. There are times JB has to
say to me we talked about this in
the past too. When his depression was really
bad, he's like,
I can't do this right now,
which is fine. And I honor his I'm
he's never not the dom, but he's not
actively being the dom. Well, for me, that
meant it was an act of service to
just not do that. Mhmm. And I got
to keep my submissive headspace,
and he got to get the break that
he needed. Mhmm. And it did not
pull apart or power exchange. No. Right?
So you're gonna put a plan together with
all that information you have documented.
What's our sched what's our life look like?
What are we willing to do? Who wants
to do what? How much control? How much
power? You know, what is feasible? And then
you're gonna try some stuff.
And then you're gonna check-in with one another.
And you're gonna be forgiving of each other
to a point
if you know that one or both of
you are struggle with remembering stuff or or
changing habits. You're gonna
everybody gets a certain level of grace and
then you each have to decide individually when
you've given too much grace and they're just
not in it and they're not actually trying
and they don't, you know, sometimes that's the
reality. Sometimes people just don't act they want
they want the fun of power exchange. They
don't want the responsibility of it. Right? They,
wanna make big promises because they think they're
gonna get something out of it, and then
they don't follow through not because they're neurodivergent,
not because their health won't let them, but
because they just
they're not invested enough. Right? It's an incompatibility,
and only you get to decide
what that line is for you.
Some of us who are
who, you know, we've been doing this long
term, if JB tomorrow
stopped doing a thing he's been doing, my
mind is not gonna go to he doesn't
want power exchange anymore. My mind's gonna go
to, oh my god. What is wrong? Right.
But when you're in a brand new power
exchange, you've never done this with this other
person before,
You know? There should come a point. They're
not doing the thing they keep saying they
will do when you're communicating. Hey. You said
you would do this and it's not happening.
What's going on? Can we adjust? Do you
need help?
And you get promise after promise after promise.
Well, that's that's on them not wanting to
actually do it. Right?
Because
go back to what we said at the
top about the messages we get from people
who are like, we we plan this all
out and we say we're gonna do it
and then it falls apart. Sometimes
because you haven't developed a routine that works
with your life, which is what this is
about. Sometimes it falls apart because one of
you is not as invested in this as
the other one for whatever the reason is.
So that's the line you have to decide
for yourself.
Okay. Let me scroll through these notes. Literally
all two pages of notes.
Okay. Oh, I got to the end of
my
notes. I know. That was a lot. I
don't know how helpful that was.
What are your thoughts in general
on power exchange and routine
and
consistency that goes with the routines and all
of the things that I have,
talked myself into a sweaty mess about for
the past forty five minutes. Oh, very favorably.
Stop that.
Patty.
No. Really? Oh. What are your thoughts?
Oh, goodness.
You're clicking around here and you you okay.
You know, no. I I think everything you
said I'm I'm behind everything you said.
You know, sorry. I'm I'm a little drifty
today and talk about that later. But,
yeah.
No. It it, you know, everything you you
have to have
that consistency.
There has to be. Otherwise, it's not gonna
work. It's gonna fall apart. But the thing
is and and I obviously, I agree. Yeah.
The thing I think some people get twisted
up about consistency is they think it means
the same as what everybody else is doing.
That's what consistency
is. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. It's not constant. It's not
always. Mhmm. It's in the amount of time,
at the time, in the ways
that are enough. Right. And that you can
count on. Mhmm.
I mean, yeah. It it's gotta be, you
know, be because what
that person there
wants to do is not something I wanna
do, and that that's something totally different than
what you want. So it has it's it's
tailored. It has to be tailored. There's no,
you know, if, and, or, but. You can
use general, you know, general ideas, but then
you've got to work it in so that
it fits with who and what you are.
Mhmm. Mhmm. And that's that's the hard part.
We get we are I know for some
of y'all, it's very dissatisfying
for us to go, okay. I want you
to write this down. Mhmm. Decide this, figure
out that. Okay. Now look at it and
what can you do? Because, you know, we
want, like, simple rules of, oh, if I
just do this in the morning and I
just do but that literally does not
work for everybody
for all kinds of reasons. If kink is
customizable,
the way you structure your kink life is
also customizable.
And it has to be. It has to
be. I think what
often, you know, can mess people up is
seeing what other people do, whether that's us
or somebody else you follow online or something
you read or some video you watched or
whatever whatever
And admiring what you see and liking it
and and feeling like a a a you
know, like you're drawn to it and then
trying to emulate
it line by line, word for word. And
that's
none of this has to have any meaning
at all except to you and the person
you're you're with. And there is no
air quote right amount of power change, correct
amount of kink for you to be kinky
and to have power exchange.
If it is literally two things out of
your day that are set within your power
exchange,
if it's enough for you,
it's enough. Right. If it's not enough for
you and you want more, that's a conversation
to have with your
partner.
Now another part of that with consistency,
with the help of a routine,
again, whatever that looks like for you,
really structured, not really structured,
As with all of us,
communication is the most important thing. If something
is going to disrupt that routine
that you're both counting on, that you're both
going, Hey, this is part of what we
do. This is how we kind of feel
connected in our power exchange.
You have to speak up.
I
used to never speak up and do my
routine through a migraine,
through
back pain, through
upset stomach,
with a really bad cold up my ass
should have been in in bed. No chick
don't fly with me.
I had to learn how to feel comfortable
and safe speaking up and going because I
saw it as some sort of weakness. Like,
I agreed to do the thing and come
hell or high water, I have to do
it or I'm not keeping my end of
the agreement. Well, that's bullshit. Okay?
Life is life and shit happens.
So I had to get better at going,
hey, daddy. I've got a I've got a
migraine so bad that I would really like
to just close this
eye and go sit in a dark room
with this eye. And he's like, what the
fuck are you doing standing here making me
a fucking cup of coffee? Right?
He got better at seeing the signs, but
he only knew to look for the signs
because I started communicating them to him.
So and that's the other thing where I
think some things fall apart for for folks
in a power exchange.
You agree to the the tasks and the
rules and the the service and however you're
gonna structure this. This. And you even agree
to the routine and you've you've figured this
all out. I'm gonna do this at this
time and this at this time. And then
it falls apart a little bit because life
gets in the way. Right?
The first time I think most of us
are gonna go, oh, something happened. No big
deal. But the second time or the third
time or you're discovering that life has, like,
gone off the rails in some way and
it's really impeding this part of your power
exchange.
When you don't talk about it, all you
do is look like you are
fuck. What is the word?
You're not dependable.
Right? That's what it looks like. It looks
like you're not holding up your end of
the bargain when actually you're juggling something.
And that's true whether you're living together, you're
long distance, you just see one another every
so often. If you have agreements that you
have mutually made and they are still important
to both of you and one of you
has to stop for legitimate reasons,
or hell not legitimate, but you you've gotta
communicate it because
you're you're fucking with the trust between the
two of you.
If I just didn't do my if I
just don't do my nighttime routine and I
don't say a fucking word to JB, I
promise you I'm a wake up the next
day with a consequence.
And how fair is that to me if
the if I'm getting a consequence because I
had a migraine I didn't talk about. Yeah.
Or let's say I still worked outside of
the home and I had a meeting
that went long. I just never mentioned that
the meeting went long. Now
you do have to consider each other honest,
dependable, trustworthy people for this to work.
If you have fucked up the trust in
your relationship,
then
you're gonna have to do a little bit
more than say something to prove this. That's
a problem that has no routine is gonna
fix in your power exchange. But if you
genuinely trust one another and you know, you
know, you know the other one's not gonna
lie to you,
you just gotta say something. Just go, oh,
I'm so sorry. I'm I'm going to miss
that or I missed it because
and we talk about this a lot in
long distance relationships because you don't get as
much opportunity to be face to face and
go, let me tell you about my crazy
day or let me tell you what my
day is gonna look like tomorrow.
As, you know,
those skills
that a long distance relationship needs are just
as important in an in person relationship whether
you live together or not. Right?
You still need to keep the lines of
communication open. But even if you feel like
you sound like a broken record,
I don't care if it's the fifth time
in a row
that,
you know,
a kid
was projectile vomiting somewhere and you could not
do the thing. Just say, yeah. It's that
kind of season. Everybody's sick.
You know? I I wish it could be
different. You know? I don't even want you
to fucking apologize for it. You didn't do
anything wrong. I just want you to go,
hey. You know that thing I'm supposed to
do? I'm not gonna be able to do
it. You're not failing at power exchange. And
by talking about it, you're really not failing.
Okay? Because you're you're keeping that trust going,
and you're letting the other person know, hey.
I'm thinking about it. I know I need
to do it.
Something is preventing it. And if it prevents
it often enough, then that is the sign
you gotta adjust the routine.
Whether it's the task or the time of
day
or the order in which things are done,
whatever that is.
Whatever that is.
That is. I feel like this is has
to be so vague to be personalizable
that it is what is the word I
want?
A little
underwhelming
Because I can't tell you. Do this on
Tuesdays and do this on Thursdays. And, you
know, every third Saturday, if you do this,
hey. You'll have the you'll have the power
exchange.
No.
Now one thing I will add that is
not about this, but it was about, like,
the making sure
I felt like we were saying something that
could be helpful to enough people.
I know how I establish routines. Like, just
this is how I do it, and I
also know where I struggle.
So I was like,
okay. Let me make sure I'm getting a
broad spectrum of views of
how to implement a routine.
And one of the things I searched was
how to start a new routine.
And then I searched how to start a
new routine, neurodivergent.
And then
how to start
autism.
ADHD.
And I don't I don't have a diagnosis
of anything.
But the stuff that is clearly written by
and for,
neurotypical folks, I went, well,
I'm doing what?
How?
What do you mean? And then I look
over at the, like, best practices
here's and I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. That
that's that's what works for me too.
So a lot of a lot of my
views on how to do this
come from, like, best practices,
air quote that real big for, like, neurodivergent
people because here's what I've learned.
You don't have to be autistic, ADHD, something
else blah blah blah for something to work
for you. Sometimes, quite frankly,
the the way to break down a thing
is
beneficial regardless of neurotype. Like, however your brain
is wired,
if it resonates, fucking use it. Right?
But I came across one article that was
and I don't wanna make fun of anybody
starting a new routine, I
went,
this list is not for me. This list
is not for me. This is not for
me. Gonna set my intentions.
Okay. But I don't know how that's gonna
help me remember to do the coffee pot.
So that was a little fun insight that
I got to have. But, yeah, the big
thing is you're gonna have to look at
all the pieces, parts of your life
realistically,
and then It's like putting together a puzzle.
It's an amalgamation. Yeah. Yeah. Make yourself a
a Frankenstein's
monster
of a power exchange.
Maybe not like one that's rampaging through, you
know, the town or anything. You don't want
you don't want the villagers coming after you
at pitchforks. You know? Right. But
they probably would if they knew we were
kinky. So whatever. Whatever. Yeah.
But, yeah, if you kinda keep the thought
in front of your mind that all all
of this can be personalized and customized. Yeah.
And there is no
prescriptive way that this works and what it
looks like.
You know? I know for some that could
be overwhelming. Too many options is is that
that's not helpful.
That's why I'm like, okay. Actually, like, document
the stuff. Like, step by step document it
down because then it's not all the things.
It's not anything. It's these specific things you're
choosing from.
But because it's like that,
there there's no bullet point list of here's
the perfect routine. Here's the perfect power exchange
setup.
That's all boring anyway.
So, yeah, that's that's the
beauty of and the
for some of us, frustrating part of this
is it literally can be anything Yeah. And
look like anything and mean anything. True.
So I know that's not satisfying, though.
I know. It's not satisfying.
But, hopefully, that was
a little helpful. Even if all it gave
you was validation because the way you're doing
it, you're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.
We're okay. We're doing it.
Or, you know, one thing out of the
10,000 words was said here resonated. Hope that's
enough. I'm just sharing.
So I'm now sweating through the back of
my shirt. We can do we can be
I don't have anything more to add. So
we could be done with this part, go
into a bonus section, and maybe I'll sweat
through the front of my shirt. There you
go. Okay. So
are we,
are we good? I don't know.
Keep it kinky, y'all.
We will not see you next week. No.
We will see you on Friday.
Daddy, can we talk to the crickets? Yes.
Okay. I gotta get out of these notes.
That's a lot of words on pages and
so many bullet points y'all.
Some some English teacher somewhere would be
so annoyed with the structure of my notes.
Too many bullet points, y'all. Too many bullet
points.
So Whatever works for you.
Okay. I am so hot, y'all. I am
just a walking,
rolling hot flash at this point. It it
is very warm. I feel warm in here
too. That is validating. That is so validating.
And and, you know, obviously, turned the fan
on.
And, I even bumped the air before we
closed the door and sat down.
It's that time of year. Yeah. Once it
get hot, it stay that way. Mhmm. I
mean, I wish it was, like, hot hot,
but Yeah. Now I'm just sweaty hot. It's
it's it's almost
now getting to the point that it's gonna
be too hot for me to sit outside
and practice with the, ukulele the way I
do in the evenings.
It's getting the humidity's creeping in and sore
the, Florida bugs.
Mhmm.
Mhmm. So.
But,
do you wanna bitch about how tired we
are and why we're so fucking tired? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, there's there's tired because we're not
sleeping tonight. I mean, there's that. And then
there's tired because there's been a lot of
doctor's appointments lately.
And
the need for the doctor's appointments has just
added some stress and worry. Right. But, thankfully,
we're getting we keep getting good news for
these appointments. Yeah. So that's been nice. Yeah.
I I had not been feeling well
for a hot minute. Mm-mm.
And,
you know, I I I learn. I know
better than to not say anything
because of that damn fucking tough love clause.
So I just, you know, told Taylor, hey,
look, you know, something's not right.
And which kicked off a flurry of doctor
visits.
Let's see. Two blood draws,
two EKGs
A stress test now. Stress test and an
echocardiogram
tomorrow. Day after recording. Now
the the,
the good news is thus far, everything has
come back very favorable. Mhmm. Okay? Mhmm. It
it is leaning towards,
higher probability that has nothing to do with
with the ticker
or anything related to it Yeah. At this
point.
So,
you know, looking at a couple other things,
one of the things they mentioned was
GERD?
Yeah. GERD?
I can't remember what GERD stands for, but
it's the digestive and the Mhmm. Reflux and
the stuff.
And and the other thing too, which he
reminded me which,
I I have bone spurs all through my
spine,
and those could be causing me Yeah. And
you don't just feel your back pain at
your back At your back. No. Always. No.
Radiates to the front. Radiates. Right. Just like
you get, you know, if you have lower
back, the pain can be down in your
legs. Mhmm. So anyway, that's what we've been
going through. And,
you know, in in the beginning of this,
especially when when the doctor said, well, we're
gonna refer you to a a a heart
doctor first, heart specialist first.
You know,
and, that that kinda set off some stress.
Yeah.
Yeah. You know?
So,
yeah. Right right now, you know, seeing as
everything's coming back good with the heart,
they're they're gonna start looking into it possibly
being, you know, something gastro related
and, gonna start me on a a script
for that for a couple weeks and see
how it goes.
Mhmm.
Our doctor
is so wonderful. Our primary care Yeah. We
had our, technically, our well visit, but also
just an office appointment. So, of course, we
had to still pay our co pay. It's
not co pay. It's our deductible. The amount
that we pay to go see the fucking
doctor Yeah.
Because it doesn't fall under what's covered that
you don't have to pay for. Yay. Right.
But and I
we go to each other's doctor's appointments
mostly for moral support, but also so when
the one of us forgets that we were
having an ailment, the other one could speak
up. Yeah. And I'm looking at our doctor
going, he has he's been on a journey,
and he does not feel good.
But she just she listens and she's and
I told her, I said, look. We had
to see other doctors at this practice because
we didn't wanna wait and, you know, you
you do not have openings, which is fine.
But could you could you look at this
for us?
And that was just it was really nice.
It was really validating, like, as I And
that and that's one thing I I like
about our doctor. Mhmm. Mhmm. She listens. She
does. She's She I don't get mad when
she's late into the exam room with us.
No. Because because I know she's got because
I know she was sitting in the next
room over listening to that person. Person talking.
Yeah.
So
but, yeah. We, so, you know, we'll we'll
see. Waiting for the, script to come through
Mhmm. And, try that for a couple weeks
and see how it how it does. Mhmm.
And go from there. Yep. And as I
got to announce
to a teenager
today, I got to find out And you've
got good news too. My boobs are healthy.
Mhmm. That was another point of stress for
all of us. Well, and it's all you
know what? Here's the thing. It is not
uncommon for somebody who's had their screening mammogram
to need to go and get a secondary
one diagnostic going with an ultrasound because
boobs are dense and, like, there's there's just
there's a lot going on in there. Mhmm.
But in my case, I have a really
strong family history
of,
when boobs attack.
So,
it it does add a little bit of
a strain because I'm like, oh, yes. This
family member and that family member, and here's
what my mom did to prevent that from
happening. And so it's like, okay, I'm worried
about JB's heart. My my
my sense of things based on everything I
was reading and what doctors are saying is,
like,
it may not be, but we're not gonna
fuck around with his fucking heart. Like, we're
gonna get shit checked. I guess because of
how my age they want, you know Right.
Yeah. And because, you know, they don't always
know.
So, like, my part of me is going,
it's probably not because all these things say
that some of the symptoms you would not
have. And I'm like, let's not fuck with
it. And at the same time, I'm going,
my boobs are probably just fine. There's a
higher a better than good chance that they
are. But right? And then you have that
little, like, at the back of your mind.
My boobs might attack me later in life,
but right now, they're fine.
Just yay. It's one of those things to
think about.
But,
I did look at my primary care who's
not the one who makes sure that I
have all my estrogen and estrogen and all
my I was like she said, how are
you feeling with that? I'm like, I'm having
more hot flashes and more brain fog, and
I'm not sleeping at night. I was like,
but I don't know if I should reach
out to my gynecologist before my next appointment.
She was like, I think you should. And
so what I like about that, because the
gynecologist
is fine, but she's not as like it's
not as good of a relationship as we
have with our primary care. I get to
go, dear blah blah.
Primary care blah blah said and recommended
that I reach out and she might actually
listen to me. Yeah.
So
Yeah. All all I have to say, you
know, there there are certain times,
you know, like one time last night, I,
I got up
and,
when I came back to bed, I was
feeling a little chilly.
And,
you know, I I just got up close
to the human furnace over here and I
I warmed up pretty quick. Yeah. So I
got
an last night. Oh my fucking god. Got
a non emergency text from the 19 year
old. 01:00 in the morning.
Look. Give me the non emergency text, but
they're on bypass. That phone is silent, but
when my baby's text or call, I fucking
hear it. And I still have that whatever
that happens when you learn how to wake
up the moment, like, your infant breathes a
little deep and you're, like, wide awake. I
still have that.
So
I'm yanked out of sleep.
+1 08.
Kid's responding. Fine. Fine. Fine. And then I
lay there. I'm like, oh, yeah. I need
to go back to sleep. But my heart
rate had jumped because it was middle of
the night. I heard the kid's notification.
So I had to calm myself down,
which meant I had to
tell myself in my head quietly,
unclench your jaw,
take a deep breath,
relax your shoulders.
And I'm kind of mean to myself in
my own head, so, like, I wasn't relaxing
myself by the way I was talking to
myself. That's not good. And as I'm laying
there thinking, okay. Maybe I'll go back to
sleep now. I just started boiling from the
inside out. And then I would doze and
then I would boil from the inside out.
And JB would try to cuddle with me
and he to him,
he felt cold, but the moment his skin
touched mine,
that was like an atomic reaction. Like that,
the point where our skin literally touched was
hotter than the surface of the sun.
And so I just rolled back and forth.
I did my rotisserie chicken roll all night
trying to find a cool spot.
Trying my hands go numb at night so
I have to shift so that I can
get circulation back. Shifting back and forth to
get circulation back and breathing through the hot
flashes,
the covers were yanked off and then I'd
get a chill. The covers back on. Then
they'd be yanked off. And then we go
sit at the doctor's office, and she's like,
how are y'all doing? And I'm like, I
cannot I don't know my name right now,
but sure. Let me tell you. I didn't
even go into, like, any things I've been
dealing with. I was like, fuck it. Yeah.
Fuck it. I don't care right now. If
it's a problem, I'll call you later.
So yeah.
And you know, I never heard your phone
go off. Of course you did. Of course
you didn't. You did not hear the phone.
Well, think about it though. I mean, it's
not even the oh, of course you didn't.
You can't sleep with your hearing aids in.
That's true.
So when my fan is going, like, there's
the ceiling fan, then there's the side look.
When I bought that fan,
we
were broke as fuck. Okay? I didn't have
the extra $10 at the time to buy
the quiet one. I bought the cheapest one
that would do the job. And now that's
just my fan. I'm not gonna replace it
for no fucking reason.
Yeah. We got the ceiling fan, and that's
beautiful and delightful. And then, yeah, my wind
tunnel.
And the problem is is my,
the it's a small ish fan,
and so I have to, like I can't
have it pointed to my face or I
won't sleep at all. That's too overstimulating.
So I have to have it pointed to
reach the majority of my body that gets
hot, but it can't reach all of my
body that gets hot because it's not big
enough to get that.
And so it's like I kind of, like,
move around and go, what what part of
me can you get? Okay. Go ahead. Cool
that spot off.
Look. I'm just I'm grateful that we've gotten,
knock on wood, nothing but good news.
Right. It's all I mean, I'm I'm annoyed
by my own hot flashes, but Yeah. Everything
else
is fine. You know? Yeah. Silent. You know?
Yeah. I don't deny it. There there are
times I'm so dead asleep.
And, you know, it's funny with both of
us with our insomnia,
we do it in shifts. We do. We're
never awake at the same time. Nope. Nope.
We are not.
We are not. We do
carry on the proud tradition of couples everywhere.
Maybe not everywhere, but many of us.
We do the,
complain about our sleep Olympics, who will be
who had the worst night. Yeah.
I I did think I got to win
for last night.
I did. Hands
down. I mean But there are nights JB
wins. He's had the worst night of sleep,
and I'm just like, oh, I'm so sorry.
Here's the thing. I don't add in the,
oh, my hands went numb and I had
to rotisserie chicken my my way through the
night because that's an every night thing now.
Like, that's just part of it. So that
doesn't get to count.
But I do get to complain when the
numbness, the tingling
is like
streaks of fire going down every finger and
I have to sit up and be fully
awake for thirty minutes before it subsides before
I can lay back down, I do win
on those nights. But if JB is like,
well, I fell asleep until one, tossed and
turned until three, and then just finally got
the fuck up and went to the couch,
I'm like, you get to win tonight. I
don't care what I went through. You win.
Because of so far, knock on wood, of
all the things I'm not gonna fucking do,
get my ass out of fucking bed.
That to me is conceding. Yeah. And I
will win this battle against my own brain
and my bed. See, I don't. I give
up and I get up and I I
And yet you, you know, you,
you tend to, not always, but you tend
to at least, like, doze and for a
nap on the couch, and I don't I
just don't do that. Do that. Yeah. It
gets uncomfortable in some ways. So Yeah. But
I'm also, like, I will not be driven
out of this fucking bed by my own
body. It is not fucking happening.
Yeah. It's probably not helpful, but, you know
Mhmm. Whatever.
And, you know, in other things, I,
starting to get more comfortable with the K
and M. Mhmm.
Taking longer,
further.
Faster, stronger? Yes. That's a different thing.
And,
yeah. Now now I'm working on figuring out
how to,
work with the GoPro
Mhmm.
Media
and software.
And that's,
that's been a bit of a
challenge, but I'm slowly getting there. And I've
I've posted a couple of the clips I've
made Mhmm. On, Instagram.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. So,
yeah, it's it's pretty cool and
I'm enjoying it. And, you know, the the
last time I went out was out through
the Ocala National Forest.
Mhmm. And,
beautiful drive.
Apparently, I was fairly close to where the
wildfires
are burning. And that's how I know I'm
not keeping up with local news, because until
you said something, I didn't know we had
any wildfires happening. Yep.
One morning I woke up, I guess the
wind was blowing. It looked very hazy. There
was smoke
in the air.
And,
outside that day, I was outside and,
I'm watching this thing on the on the
breeze and it's just like kinda drifting like
a leaf, you know, it would be falling
falling falling, but it didn't look right
and it it as it was coming down
it got it it got hung up on
the windowsill.
It was it was ash, it was a
piece of ash. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow.
Yep. It's wild. But, yeah. After seeing where
the,
the fire we're not in any danger where
but in relation where they are to us
and how we've seen some of the smoke.
Yeah. Maybe I should pay more attention to
local news.
Whoops. Okay. You know, no. It it's been
cool and, you know, oddly enough, it it's
really funny
when I go down the road to that
I take to get out to the roads
on the Ocala National Forest, you know, they're
populated
to a certain point.
And once you get past the point
of where there's the housing developments, and you're
into where the forest, and you've got nothing
but woods and swamp and everything, the temperature
drop. There is at least a five degree
temperature drop difference. I believe that. We feel
that,
depending on which side of town we're on.
The side of town
and where we live has become much more
sprawling. But the side of town we're on
is older. There's lots of trees. There's lots
of green space. Yeah.
Yeah. These these houses here where we are,
they actually have
land between them. Right. Yeah. You you do
not you cannot touch your neighbor by sticking
your arm out your window. But down in
I don't know. Is it south? Is it
I don't fucking know what side of town
it is, but there's a side of town
that's being developed
heavily and quickly. Yeah. And, yeah, I I
watch the temperature gauge thing on the car
go up and get there because there's not
a lot of trees and not a lot
of green space. And then you get back
here and you actually
the temperature drop. And then you go out
that direction, it drops even more again. So
clearly, what I need to do is go
whatever direction that is and get a slightly
cooler temperature.
So Anyhoo.
Yeah. We should probably let these good folks
go. But we're not gonna get to talk
to them next week on on Wednesday. So,
like, I wanna drag it out.
I don't have anything to talk about. Well,
no. No.
No. I mean, did I complain about my
health and my body? Okay. Done. Did I
complain about my sleep check?
Okay.
I'm always a proud mom, but there's nothing
new to report.
My mom will be here. My mom is
so oh, that was funny. So my mom's
coming,
Thursday, the day after we record this,
episode, and she's here for Mother's Day weekend
and blah blah blah. And so she asks
me, you know, what do you wanna do?
And I'm like, I don't know. From my
perspective, it's her day.
You know? You're asking your child what I
want to do for Mother's Day. It's your
day. I know I'm a mother, but you
know, in that conversation.
But she's like me. She's like, we're not
going out to eat that day because I'm
like, I know everybody takes their mama out
on Mother's Day. I'm not I'm not being
on those crabs. So we're both kind of
at a loss. We're like, oh, we'll just
hang out, whatever.
Then JP does the really sweet thing and
he goes, what do you want to do
for Mother's Day? I'm like, I will be
hosting
Mother's Day. So I don't I can't answer
that question. And I was like, can we
can I have a rain check? Because here's
what I want. I want to do not
a fucking thing. Yeah. And not, as I
pointed out to JB, have to do it
all on Saturday or make up for it
later in the week because I didn't do
it. Right. I want it to not be
my responsibility, whatever it is I do on
Sundays
on Sunday. And I was like, that won't
even be an option this week weekend. So
I was like, can I get a rain
check and we'll we'll do this again? I'm
like, I don't I don't know what I
like, do I want gifts? Fuck off. I
know. Do I want a special meal? He
asked me after I'd eaten and I wasn't
hungry. So I was like, I can't answer
that.
Sitting here now, I ate a decent lunch.
I'm not hungry. I and I'm too fucking
hot. I couldn't tell you if I want
a special meal.
I'm like, I just I want want to
not be responsible for a fucking thing for
one fucking day.
That's what I want.
So my mom is getting that because she
left her house and drove, like k. Eight
hours,
you know, east.
So she's getting that wish.
But yeah. It's like, don't it's it's sort
of like asking me what I want for
my birthday. Fuck if I know.
I don't know. So
but
Alright. We should probably go. I know. Because
we have other things to do, but I
I think we've been here. I know you
do.
I I mean, it's, you know,
it's a handful of folks, but I like
hanging out with a handful of folks. Actually,
I would be very intimidated if we had,
like, lots of people watching. I'd be like,
nope. That's too many people perceiving me. I
will take out
it's small but mighty,
comfy,
let's chit chat.
I don't know about what.
I got nothing other than to tell you
how fucking hot I am. Y'all know. Right.
Y'all know you would like me to stop
bitching about it so much. I know.
I would do.
Dude.
The only vindication
I get about that is that you know
and you have experienced
touching me when I'm really super hot. No.
I you know, when when you tell me
you're you're having a hot flash and you're
I I know because I have
yeah. I've been there. Sitting at the doctor's
office
having a hot flash. I was just she'd
handed me my mammogram results, and I was
like, let me just use that as a
fan. And there's, like, sweats dripping down the
top. Oh my god.
Okay. We're good. We're good. But
and now I could be here with everybody
for a long time. I don't have anything
to talk about. I guess I'd just stare
into the camera, and y'all could stare back
at me, but
I don't know if that's good a good
form of entertainment.
I think I have questions for you. Some
form of ASMR maybe? Oh, god. I you
know, I know there are people who really
like it. There's some people who do it
really well. I tried. I was like, oh,
will this, like, quiet my
loud brain? No. It it set me on
edge and made me irrationally angry. And I
went, okay. I am not a good I'm
not that's not made for me. Okay.
Nope. That one's not for me.
Yep. So, anyway, I guess we have to
go because we still have other things to
do. That's true. We do. But I'm also
standing in my own way of going to
get a Diet Coke. That's true. Because I
have to go pick up some prescriptions.
So see? There's there's a lot on the
line here. But I just wanna I just
wanna hang out and be with people
in the way that y'all aren't in the
same room with me, and I don't have
to make eye contact with you. You know,
like that. Be with people like that. That
that doesn't
sound
probably unhealthy at all, does it?
Okay.
JB is now annoyed with me, so I
guess I have to tell you that we're
gonna go. Thanks for being here, especially to
the bitter end.
We will not see you next Wednesday or
podcast episode next Friday, but we will stream
May 16, Friday night, '9 '30 PM Eastern.
Hope to see you there. Mhmm.
Okay. Fine. K. Okay. Alright.
Bye. Bye. I have to
go
now. Wow. That's, some baby girl right there.
Powerful baby girl. Mhmm.
I know.