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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla

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Lords here with the one, the only

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but you look really good in red, John

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Brownstone. Sorry y'all can't see it, but he

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does. He's wearing a red shirt. He looks

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really good. I'm just saying it's a good

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color on you. And, Tiana, I never thought

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it was a A red kinda guy. Yeah.

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Yeah. I mean, on some ways, no. We're

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not red kind of people. But Yeah. But,

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yeah, that's right. Let's go with it. Okay.

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What is that? That's not what we're here

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to talk about. No.

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Well, the

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what are words? You flustered me. You and

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your shirt flustered me.

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This week, we're answering a question from a

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Switch who's done Impact Play as a top,

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but

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they can't seem to stop apologizing

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during the scene.

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It's a simple question. Just wait. Jamie just

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gave me the most confused, like, as a

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as a a a top. He's over there

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going, what? What are you apologizing for?

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We'll get into it. Welcome to the Loving

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BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help

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kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange

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relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast

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app so you never miss an episode. And

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if you'd like us to answer a question

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that you have in a future one of

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these, you can send that question to us,

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through our contact page. It's literally titled Ask

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Your Questions.

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It should be in the show notes for

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this episode because I always put it there.

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But apparently, some podcast app don't show show

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notes. What even is the point?

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But also, you can find that link on

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our web website at lovingBDSM.net.

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Okay. Let's get into the question. It's short,

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sweet, and straight to the point. Okay. I've

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recently discovered my switch side and impact topped

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for the first time and a kink of

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it recently.

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Do you have any tips for not apologizing

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so much when impact play topping? I know

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my bottom enjoys impact play, as do I,

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both giving and receiving.

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When topping though, I can't stop apologizing if

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I see them wince or make intensely hear

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them make intensely pained noises

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even though they ask for more.

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Anyhoo.

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You know, that that's kind of a a

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a thing I and I went through a

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little bit of that in the beginning.

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And I I think it comes down to

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the fact that you

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you kind of have to

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change your mindset

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a little bit because when when you're when

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you're topping and and you're giving

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the bottom

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that pleasure that they

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want, which is what you have to think

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of it,

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to to a masochist that pain

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equates pleasure.

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Mhmm. Alright?

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So

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you have to change your mindset,

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you know, the fact that you you wince

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and you know, you you apologize

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makes me think that, you know, you might

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have a mindset that you're hurting somebody. Hurting

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in the bad way. In the bad way,

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yeah.

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And, you know, that's not what's happening at

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all, you know, when it's done right.

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Okay. It's hurting, but it's hurting in the

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good way. Right.

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Right. So, you know, you kinda have to

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work at flipping that mindset, and it's not

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gonna be something that, you know,

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flip a switch and boom, you're, you know,

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you're on the road. It it's going to

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take some some mindfulness. It it's going to

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take some,

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deliberate,

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oh, I can't think of the word.

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You you, you know, you you have to

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be very

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thoughtful about it, you know, when you when

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you do this. Mhmm. So

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I was the thing that comes to mind

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from your perspective,

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based on my experience with you Mhmm. Is

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would

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my thought would be, would you recommend

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when you feel the when a person feels

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the the,

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like,

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instinct to to apologize and go, oh, I'm

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so sorry,

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Would it maybe be better for them to

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learn to just do a check-in?

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Because if part of it is the, oh,

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I've gone too far. Uh-oh. It's I did

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the bad pain. Uh-oh.

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You know?

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Yes. They're telling me, but I don't really

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know.

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Could there be, like, whether it depends on

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how y'all play. If it's sexual, then do

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a sexual kinda check-in. But if it's not,

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just sort of do that, like, toppy energy

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check-in and let them verbalize for you. Yeah.

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So that you can learn that at least.

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And you know, you you're saying that might

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work what might work for them in that

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case would be the, stoplight.

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Mhmm. Give me a color. Yeah.

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Mhmm. Yep. And the stoplight, for anybody who's

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new,

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it's based on traffic lights. So green means

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go, yellow tends to mean slow down, and

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red just means stop. Right. And if you're

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ever uncertain as a top where your partner's

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at, just go, hey, give me a color.

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And if for people who have

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sexual romantic

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power exchange play, you can make that as

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sexy as you want. You can stay absolutely

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in the headspace, in the scene, in the

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moment. Mhmm. If you don't play like that,

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it can just be a straightforward, hey. Give

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me a color. Let me know where you're

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at.

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But I do wonder if

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if the the problem for this person is

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they are just so

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unused to providing some level of pain and

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that intensity

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so that

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they are reacting

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as if they're doing something wrong, which I'm

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gonna get to because I have thoughts on

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that, then maybe

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and I you're right. It's gonna take some

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time. You're gonna have to do a a

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mindset shift. You have to train yourself to

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not flinch, but to go, hey. Give me

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a color. And then eventually, with this partner

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and others, as you become more confident

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and settle into what you know works for

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you and and you just get more experience

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of this is what happens when I hit

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with this amount of force and then that

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amount of force and with this toy and

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that toy,

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and as you maybe get closer and more

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connected with whichever partners you have, you don't

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won't have to do that as much. You

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know? You'll you'll have the confidence. You'll hopefully

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know that they're gonna speak up, and you'll

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you'll find your way.

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But I have another thought. Oh. Oh. Wow.

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Okay. Let's hear. I have another thought. Let's

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hear this other thought. This person did not

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ask this, but this is what came to

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mind. Nope.

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Without without a a lot of detail, I

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am assuming a lot. I mean, I know

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what happens when you're listening.

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But that

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response

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of

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knowing that a person wants this, knowing you're

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doing what they're asking them to do,

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perceiving that you have somehow

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caused pain or done something wrong and then

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apologizing

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makes me think of people pleasing.

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And so,

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I am not an expert on people pleasing

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in the here's what you do about it.

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I am an expert on people pleasing as

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in I have been a chronic people pleaser

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for way too long.

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I am absolutely the person who gets bumped

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into by somebody else but says sorry. I

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mean, I am absolutely the one who has

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to deliver less than amazing news in a

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professional way that was not my fault, and

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I want to apologize for a thing that's

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not even my fault. If that resonates with

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the person asking the question because, you know,

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folks who sit in their questions and listen

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slash watch, I I I know you can

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hear the sound of my voice.

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If you know you're a people pleaser or

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if you've never really thought about it, but

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you can kinda resonate with the, oh, yeah.

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I do apologize for things that aren't my

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fault.

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That's the thing I would ask you to

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investigate. Now I think everything JB has said,

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regardless of whether you're a people pleaser or

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not, has merit. You literally have to train

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yourself

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to go, that's right. I'm allowed to do

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this to somebody. They want me to do

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this. Right. I have to practice more. I

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have to get better at it, but they

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want this. Right? So, yes, that is always

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true.

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But if you are a person who

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does oops, sorry a lot

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when you weren't even in the wrong. You

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didn't do anything wrong. I'm going to guess

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there's some people pleasing there, and that's gonna

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be a separate thing to

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deal with. Can I tell you all the

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ways to deal with it? I'm I'm still

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working

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through it. The thing

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that is kind of related, if people pleasing

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resonates with you,

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but is not a one to one perfect

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thing,

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because I'm used to it in sort of

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business settings, is that automatic apology.

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Right? And that is just like training yourself

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to get used to giving consensual

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sensation impact pain.

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You have to train yourself to stop that

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from coming out and go, I have nothing

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to be sorry for. I'm doing a thing

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that they want me to do. In this

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case especially,

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they are consenting. You've done a check-in. They

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are telling you this is all good. Keep

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going.

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It's gonna be the mind shift. Now the

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way I have found

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turning down my people pleasing ways to work

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is if I train myself in one area

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of my life, the skill transfers. So

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if the people pleasing resonates

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and you find yourself I do this in

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email a lot. Apologies for? I am so

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sorry. I didn't do anything wrong.

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Why am I apologizing? So what I've learned

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to do, write my email, because that's where

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I do it a lot, and then go

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back and edit myself and pull out all

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the

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unnecessary apologizing,

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unnecessary

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overpromising because I'm afraid somebody's gonna be mad

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at me. Does that resonate? Do you have

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some sort of, you know, sense of, oh,

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I've done wrong. Uh-oh, somebody's gonna be mad

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at me. That's a lot of where people

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pleasing comes from because you're trying to keep

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everybody happy with you.

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And, yes, it absolutely can hit you in

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a situation where you know

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logically,

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intellectually,

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analytically that you're doing what somebody wants,

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but when you're not used to

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consensually

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hitting somebody Mhmm. Hurting somebody potentially,

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and you have this automatic response when somebody

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around you feels discomfort,

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whether you're the cause of it,

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whether you did something wrong or right,

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if you have that that immediate gut instinct

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to try to make it better, try to

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soothe, take on the blame for it, that's

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a thing that if you can work on

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00:10:06,714 --> 00:10:08,090
it in other parts of your life, I

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00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:10,570
think it will probably transfer over to kink

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00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:12,769
as you're also shifting your mindset to Mhmm.

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00:10:12,889 --> 00:10:13,710
This is consensual.

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00:10:14,090 --> 00:10:15,929
They want this. They're giving me all the

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signals. I'm checking it. Like, as you're learning

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00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,410
to top and have the mindset of what

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00:10:20,410 --> 00:10:22,865
you do as a top, if you're also

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undoing some of the people pleasing ways that

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don't actually serve us, they really don't,

295
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often what happens is I

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00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,825
am so personally so terrified of somebody feeling

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an uncomfortable emotion

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and I don't want that pointed at me,

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and I don't want to, air quote, be

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the cause of somebody's pain,

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I

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00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,519
I will take on that burden, and that's

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00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:46,879
not fair to either of us. They don't

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have to feel their discomfort and deal with

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00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,120
those feelings. And I am feeling discomfort. That's

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not mine to feel. That's not good for

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00:10:52,665 --> 00:10:53,805
anybody. No.

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Just in general.

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00:10:56,105 --> 00:10:58,585
So if the people pleasing thing makes you

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00:10:58,585 --> 00:11:00,045
go, yeah, maybe,

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00:11:00,745 --> 00:11:03,065
work on that on, like, non kink parts

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00:11:03,065 --> 00:11:04,639
of your life. Focus on that in in

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00:11:04,639 --> 00:11:06,360
the non kink parts. Focus in the kink

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00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,240
parts on gaining confidence and experience as a

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00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,720
top, and the two will combine. As you

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00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,120
stop your people pleasing ways here and you

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00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,580
gain confidence here,

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00:11:16,764 --> 00:11:18,445
you may find that you don't even have

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00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,704
that that instinct to apologize.

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I think there's also something to be said,

321
00:11:23,084 --> 00:11:24,865
and this I do not

322
00:11:25,884 --> 00:11:27,824
know for sure or remember

323
00:11:28,125 --> 00:11:29,565
for sure the gender of the person who

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00:11:29,565 --> 00:11:31,485
asked the question, although I recognize their name.

325
00:11:31,485 --> 00:11:32,899
Hi. You know who you are.

326
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,820
But if you are socialized as a woman

327
00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:38,339
in our culture,

328
00:11:39,279 --> 00:11:41,299
you already were taught not to hit anybody.

329
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,279
Like, you don't even have the experience of

330
00:11:43,279 --> 00:11:44,500
that. So that

331
00:11:45,035 --> 00:11:47,195
there's also that. There's also the, oh my

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00:11:47,195 --> 00:11:48,875
gosh, I I'm doing a thing that I

333
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:49,375
know

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00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:52,394
is not supposed to, air quote, no, know

335
00:11:52,394 --> 00:11:53,774
is not supposed to happen.

336
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:55,995
I have done a bad. I have done

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00:11:55,995 --> 00:11:58,350
a wrong. I am, like, I'm going against,

338
00:11:58,429 --> 00:12:00,190
you know, the way I was raised, the

339
00:12:00,190 --> 00:12:01,870
way the adults in my life trained me

340
00:12:01,870 --> 00:12:03,309
to be, all of that. And that is

341
00:12:03,309 --> 00:12:06,750
an unlearning and a rewriting the script in

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00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:08,429
your head as well, and that also just

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00:12:08,429 --> 00:12:10,750
takes time. Right. So it could it could

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00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:12,175
be one simple thing, it could be all

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00:12:12,175 --> 00:12:14,514
of it. Mhmm. It could be a mysterious

346
00:12:14,575 --> 00:12:16,575
fourth thing that we haven't thought of. True.

347
00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:19,134
True. But it is a time and a

348
00:12:19,134 --> 00:12:20,995
consciously telling yourself Yeah.

349
00:12:21,295 --> 00:12:22,815
As you go into the scene, while you're

350
00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:24,335
in the scene, in the moment when you

351
00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:27,055
feel the urge to respond and react, you

352
00:12:27,055 --> 00:12:29,450
gotta find a way to break that thought

353
00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:31,509
and go, nope. They want this. And if

354
00:12:31,509 --> 00:12:33,590
I'm uncertain, let me do a check-in. Give

355
00:12:33,590 --> 00:12:34,330
me a color.

356
00:12:35,029 --> 00:12:35,529
Mhmm.

357
00:12:36,309 --> 00:12:38,870
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's about it. Mhmm.

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00:12:38,870 --> 00:12:41,190
Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q

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00:12:41,190 --> 00:12:42,470
and a episode. If you want us to

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00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,274
answer one of your questions, just use the

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00:12:44,274 --> 00:12:46,915
contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,

362
00:12:46,915 --> 00:12:48,115
or you can find the link in the

363
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,955
show notes. Big thanks as always to our

364
00:12:49,955 --> 00:12:52,274
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

365
00:12:52,274 --> 00:12:54,035
do this podcast and keep it going and

366
00:12:54,035 --> 00:12:56,675
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd

367
00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,035
like to be part of our community and

368
00:12:58,035 --> 00:12:59,990
get access to extra content and a Discord

369
00:12:59,990 --> 00:13:01,669
server with a group of super cool, super

370
00:13:01,669 --> 00:13:03,589
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join

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00:13:03,589 --> 00:13:05,750
us at patreon.com/kaylalords.

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00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:08,337
That's patreon.com/kaylalords,

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00:13:08,417 --> 00:13:09,797
or use the link in the show

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00:13:12,577 --> 00:13:13,077
notes.