You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla
Lords here with the one, the only
but you look really good in red, John
Brownstone. Sorry y'all can't see it, but he
does. He's wearing a red shirt. He looks
really good. I'm just saying it's a good
color on you. And, Tiana, I never thought
it was a A red kinda guy. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, on some ways, no. We're
not red kind of people. But Yeah. But,
yeah, that's right. Let's go with it. Okay.
What is that? That's not what we're here
to talk about. No.
Well, the
what are words? You flustered me. You and
your shirt flustered me.
This week, we're answering a question from a
Switch who's done Impact Play as a top,
but
they can't seem to stop apologizing
during the scene.
It's a simple question. Just wait. Jamie just
gave me the most confused, like, as a
as a a a top. He's over there
going, what? What are you apologizing for?
We'll get into it. Welcome to the Loving
BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help
kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange
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It should be in the show notes for
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But also, you can find that link on
our web website at lovingBDSM.net.
Okay. Let's get into the question. It's short,
sweet, and straight to the point. Okay. I've
recently discovered my switch side and impact topped
for the first time and a kink of
it recently.
Do you have any tips for not apologizing
so much when impact play topping? I know
my bottom enjoys impact play, as do I,
both giving and receiving.
When topping though, I can't stop apologizing if
I see them wince or make intensely hear
them make intensely pained noises
even though they ask for more.
Anyhoo.
You know, that that's kind of a a
a thing I and I went through a
little bit of that in the beginning.
And I I think it comes down to
the fact that you
you kind of have to
change your mindset
a little bit because when when you're when
you're topping and and you're giving
the bottom
that pleasure that they
want, which is what you have to think
of it,
to to a masochist that pain
equates pleasure.
Mhmm. Alright?
So
you have to change your mindset,
you know, the fact that you you wince
and you know, you you apologize
makes me think that, you know, you might
have a mindset that you're hurting somebody. Hurting
in the bad way. In the bad way,
yeah.
And, you know, that's not what's happening at
all, you know, when it's done right.
Okay. It's hurting, but it's hurting in the
good way. Right.
Right. So, you know, you kinda have to
work at flipping that mindset, and it's not
gonna be something that, you know,
flip a switch and boom, you're, you know,
you're on the road. It it's going to
take some some mindfulness. It it's going to
take some,
deliberate,
oh, I can't think of the word.
You you, you know, you you have to
be very
thoughtful about it, you know, when you when
you do this. Mhmm. So
I was the thing that comes to mind
from your perspective,
based on my experience with you Mhmm. Is
would
my thought would be, would you recommend
when you feel the when a person feels
the the,
like,
instinct to to apologize and go, oh, I'm
so sorry,
Would it maybe be better for them to
learn to just do a check-in?
Because if part of it is the, oh,
I've gone too far. Uh-oh. It's I did
the bad pain. Uh-oh.
You know?
Yes. They're telling me, but I don't really
know.
Could there be, like, whether it depends on
how y'all play. If it's sexual, then do
a sexual kinda check-in. But if it's not,
just sort of do that, like, toppy energy
check-in and let them verbalize for you. Yeah.
So that you can learn that at least.
And you know, you you're saying that might
work what might work for them in that
case would be the, stoplight.
Mhmm. Give me a color. Yeah.
Mhmm. Yep. And the stoplight, for anybody who's
new,
it's based on traffic lights. So green means
go, yellow tends to mean slow down, and
red just means stop. Right. And if you're
ever uncertain as a top where your partner's
at, just go, hey, give me a color.
And if for people who have
sexual romantic
power exchange play, you can make that as
sexy as you want. You can stay absolutely
in the headspace, in the scene, in the
moment. Mhmm. If you don't play like that,
it can just be a straightforward, hey. Give
me a color. Let me know where you're
at.
But I do wonder if
if the the problem for this person is
they are just so
unused to providing some level of pain and
that intensity
so that
they are reacting
as if they're doing something wrong, which I'm
gonna get to because I have thoughts on
that, then maybe
and I you're right. It's gonna take some
time. You're gonna have to do a a
mindset shift. You have to train yourself to
not flinch, but to go, hey. Give me
a color. And then eventually, with this partner
and others, as you become more confident
and settle into what you know works for
you and and you just get more experience
of this is what happens when I hit
with this amount of force and then that
amount of force and with this toy and
that toy,
and as you maybe get closer and more
connected with whichever partners you have, you don't
won't have to do that as much. You
know? You'll you'll have the confidence. You'll hopefully
know that they're gonna speak up, and you'll
you'll find your way.
But I have another thought. Oh. Oh. Wow.
Okay. Let's hear. I have another thought. Let's
hear this other thought. This person did not
ask this, but this is what came to
mind. Nope.
Without without a a lot of detail, I
am assuming a lot. I mean, I know
what happens when you're listening.
But that
response
of
knowing that a person wants this, knowing you're
doing what they're asking them to do,
perceiving that you have somehow
caused pain or done something wrong and then
apologizing
makes me think of people pleasing.
And so,
I am not an expert on people pleasing
in the here's what you do about it.
I am an expert on people pleasing as
in I have been a chronic people pleaser
for way too long.
I am absolutely the person who gets bumped
into by somebody else but says sorry. I
mean, I am absolutely the one who has
to deliver less than amazing news in a
professional way that was not my fault, and
I want to apologize for a thing that's
not even my fault. If that resonates with
the person asking the question because, you know,
folks who sit in their questions and listen
slash watch, I I I know you can
hear the sound of my voice.
If you know you're a people pleaser or
if you've never really thought about it, but
you can kinda resonate with the, oh, yeah.
I do apologize for things that aren't my
fault.
That's the thing I would ask you to
investigate. Now I think everything JB has said,
regardless of whether you're a people pleaser or
not, has merit. You literally have to train
yourself
to go, that's right. I'm allowed to do
this to somebody. They want me to do
this. Right. I have to practice more. I
have to get better at it, but they
want this. Right? So, yes, that is always
true.
But if you are a person who
does oops, sorry a lot
when you weren't even in the wrong. You
didn't do anything wrong. I'm going to guess
there's some people pleasing there, and that's gonna
be a separate thing to
deal with. Can I tell you all the
ways to deal with it? I'm I'm still
working
through it. The thing
that is kind of related, if people pleasing
resonates with you,
but is not a one to one perfect
thing,
because I'm used to it in sort of
business settings, is that automatic apology.
Right? And that is just like training yourself
to get used to giving consensual
sensation impact pain.
You have to train yourself to stop that
from coming out and go, I have nothing
to be sorry for. I'm doing a thing
that they want me to do. In this
case especially,
they are consenting. You've done a check-in. They
are telling you this is all good. Keep
going.
It's gonna be the mind shift. Now the
way I have found
turning down my people pleasing ways to work
is if I train myself in one area
of my life, the skill transfers. So
if the people pleasing resonates
and you find yourself I do this in
email a lot. Apologies for? I am so
sorry. I didn't do anything wrong.
Why am I apologizing? So what I've learned
to do, write my email, because that's where
I do it a lot, and then go
back and edit myself and pull out all
the
unnecessary apologizing,
unnecessary
overpromising because I'm afraid somebody's gonna be mad
at me. Does that resonate? Do you have
some sort of, you know, sense of, oh,
I've done wrong. Uh-oh, somebody's gonna be mad
at me. That's a lot of where people
pleasing comes from because you're trying to keep
everybody happy with you.
And, yes, it absolutely can hit you in
a situation where you know
logically,
intellectually,
analytically that you're doing what somebody wants,
but when you're not used to
consensually
hitting somebody Mhmm. Hurting somebody potentially,
and you have this automatic response when somebody
around you feels discomfort,
whether you're the cause of it,
whether you did something wrong or right,
if you have that that immediate gut instinct
to try to make it better, try to
soothe, take on the blame for it, that's
a thing that if you can work on
it in other parts of your life, I
think it will probably transfer over to kink
as you're also shifting your mindset to Mhmm.
This is consensual.
They want this. They're giving me all the
signals. I'm checking it. Like, as you're learning
to top and have the mindset of what
you do as a top, if you're also
undoing some of the people pleasing ways that
don't actually serve us, they really don't,
often what happens is I
am so personally so terrified of somebody feeling
an uncomfortable emotion
and I don't want that pointed at me,
and I don't want to, air quote, be
the cause of somebody's pain,
I
I will take on that burden, and that's
not fair to either of us. They don't
have to feel their discomfort and deal with
those feelings. And I am feeling discomfort. That's
not mine to feel. That's not good for
anybody. No.
Just in general.
So if the people pleasing thing makes you
go, yeah, maybe,
work on that on, like, non kink parts
of your life. Focus on that in in
the non kink parts. Focus in the kink
parts on gaining confidence and experience as a
top, and the two will combine. As you
stop your people pleasing ways here and you
gain confidence here,
you may find that you don't even have
that that instinct to apologize.
I think there's also something to be said,
and this I do not
know for sure or remember
for sure the gender of the person who
asked the question, although I recognize their name.
Hi. You know who you are.
But if you are socialized as a woman
in our culture,
you already were taught not to hit anybody.
Like, you don't even have the experience of
that. So that
there's also that. There's also the, oh my
gosh, I I'm doing a thing that I
know
is not supposed to, air quote, no, know
is not supposed to happen.
I have done a bad. I have done
a wrong. I am, like, I'm going against,
you know, the way I was raised, the
way the adults in my life trained me
to be, all of that. And that is
an unlearning and a rewriting the script in
your head as well, and that also just
takes time. Right. So it could it could
be one simple thing, it could be all
of it. Mhmm. It could be a mysterious
fourth thing that we haven't thought of. True.
True. But it is a time and a
consciously telling yourself Yeah.
As you go into the scene, while you're
in the scene, in the moment when you
feel the urge to respond and react, you
gotta find a way to break that thought
and go, nope. They want this. And if
I'm uncertain, let me do a check-in. Give
me a color.
Mhmm.
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's about it. Mhmm.
Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q
and a episode. If you want us to
answer one of your questions, just use the
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