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You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four

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thirty nine.

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I have I I have something in my

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throat. No worries. Kayla Lords here with the,

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nope.

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How do words work? Oh my god. Kayla

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Lords here with the one, the only, I'm

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not gonna try to add anything cute, John

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Brownstone.

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Oh my god. Wow. Real professionals would rerecord

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it, but nope. We're just moving forward, y'all.

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This week, we are continuing our series about

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making power exchange work in the real world

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by talking about

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what happens and what can happen and what

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we can do about our power exchange when

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we are taking care of other people who

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are not our partners. So raising children, caregiving

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for adults, that kind of thing.

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And and

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I wish I could say, here are all

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the things and here's a checklist, but y'all

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know me. There's no there's no checklist, but

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we will talk about it.

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Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this

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is your first time listening, glad to have

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you. If you're back for another week, welcome

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back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and

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Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. Show

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notes are found at lovingBDSM.net.

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Come back often and feel free to add

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the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You

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can also follow the show on FetLife at

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loving BDSM PC,

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on Instagram and technically threads at that handle

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I will forever fucking hate, loving d s

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and the number one. So that's at loving

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d s one. On blue sky at lovingBDSM.

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Blah blah blah blah blah, or on YouTube

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at youtube.com/lovingBDSM,

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where you can watch us live stream the

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podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

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show notes.

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Okay. So How about if I just click

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it instead of hit it? I mean, but

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we're kinky around here and we're into impact.

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No. You can't do that. I need it.

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Oh, you need that. Well, I need it

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out of my way.

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I will pull it back out. I just

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need it out of my way. I went

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through all that to get it right and

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where I need it to be. I will

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pull it back out. I have a well,

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I don't have a good memory, but I

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have an eye for that kind of spatial

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stuff. Give me a second. Is this anything

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about this episode at all? No.

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Is it a very good example of real

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world power shit?

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Yes. Yes. It is.

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Okay. So was I supposed to have an

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announcement of, you know, we're sponsoring us or

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here, remember this thing? Sure. Sure. Didn't. Did

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I? No. I can tell you, we just,

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restocked a product on the kinkery, the kinkery

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dot com.

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It's the pounder. Mhmm. It's a a sleek,

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simple,

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beginner friendly

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paddle. There you go. Thekinkery.com.

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Okay. And and there's some beautiful woods that

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I'm I know. I'm hope I'm part of

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me hopes they go fast because they are

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so gorgeous, but also,

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I'd like to have them around so I

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can show them off and be like, look,

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this is the kind of shit he makes.

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Right? Yeah. I I especially like the yellow

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heart. Got some

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I had some yellow heart,

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and it's absolutely beautiful because the wood is

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yellow,

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but then there's, like, traces through the woods.

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I call them almost feathers. Mhmm. It's beautiful.

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Natural curving. Naturally occurring in

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the wood. I tried to edit the pictures

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to do them justice. Mhmm.

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I tried. So there you go. Oh, that's

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our announcement. Okay. Okay. So this week's episode,

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several people because I've made offhand comments about

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parenting. We've talked about the whole real world

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dynamics. It's like, oh, yeah. Parenting will fuck

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that up.

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And a lot of people have commented who

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are parents who are like, oh, my gosh.

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Can we talk about this? Well,

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I couldn't and wouldn't make this whole episode

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just about parenting because we've actually talked about

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it several times.

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So that is linked in the places,

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for

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specific to parenting conversation. We are going to

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talk about parenting,

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but for those folks who are who are

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done raising children and or have no intention

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of ever raising children, that does not mean

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you won't face something similar if you ever

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have an adult in your life that needs

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extra care, that can't live independently

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or even if they're living independently, they just

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need help. We've experienced that twice now. Mhmm.

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And just, you know,

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nothing prepares you for that. Not really.

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But the awareness that, oh, yeah. If if

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you find yourself in this situation five years

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from now, maybe maybe

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your,

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leaky brain, like I have Swiss cheese brain,

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will remember,

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wait. Caitlin and JB talked about this. All

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this shit I'm going through, it's normal. It's

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it sucks, but it's normal. So that's that's

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we're combining it all.

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Two things I wanna say. Mhmm.

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One, we're not talking specifically about partners. There

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are absolutely power exchange relationships where one or

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both more partners needs

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specific caregiving. We're not talking about that because

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that to me is a little bit separate

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from this topic.

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The other thing

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when we do talk about parenting,

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we are talking about the stereotypical

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experience that most but not all parents will

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have of their children grow up and as

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they age

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they become more

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mature, more independent,

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need you less or in different ways

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depending on how you look at life, ideally

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with the the thing of they will have

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their own home and their own life, and

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you'll

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fully independent. Right? That is not true for

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all parents. I do not want it to

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make it sound like we think that.

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I can't speak to that experience

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at all.

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I hope some of this might resonate, but

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that is a challenge

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that

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this episode is not

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equipped

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to offer

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probably anything helpful. That is a that is

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a different

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life experience. I don't have that life experience.

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I'm not gonna I am not gonna try

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to condescend

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to parents who are living that life to

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tell them what I think they can do

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for their power exchange.

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If you are a parent in that life,

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maybe some of this will be helpful. God,

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I hope so. But just know we know

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your experience is way different than the parenting

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we will talk about. We are not gonna

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spend the whole episode on parenting, but we're

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gonna touch on it. For anybody who absolutely

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hates the thought of parenting, I'm so sorry.

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That's why I try to add in adult

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caregiving.

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Just know our stance is there's no requirement

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to be a parent. If you want don't

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want to have children, don't.

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For anybody who is struggling, I am so

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sorry. I can understand why you might skip

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this one. That's understandable too. Okay.

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So,

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the other thing we always say when we

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do talk about parenting, we don't think we

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are experts on parenting.

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Your mileage will always vary.

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We tend to talk, as we do on

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all things, but our own specific experiences.

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We know that doesn't work for everybody.

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Okay. And then, of course, talking about adult

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caregiving. So we let's just set the whatever

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here. Because I have all kinds of notes

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that I'm very I'm very proud of me.

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I am taking this series as seriously as

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I am capable of taking anything. So just

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I think that's a lot. I have the

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ability.

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With adult caregiving, there is an adult living

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in your home,

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elderly,

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whether they are just

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older and just can't live by themselves anymore

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or

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and the thing that terrifies me and terrifies

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my own mother they have dementia, Alzheimer's, they

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are slowly

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not

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being the parent you remember. Right? That kind

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of situation.

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And then there's also adult caregiving, which you

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have direct experience in of they live at

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home, but they need care, and that is

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for however long they need that care with

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the end result usually being

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they are no longer on this earthly plane,

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that kind

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of disruption to life. It's temporary. It doesn't

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live with you necessarily, but it's it's it's

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a thing you have to contend with. So

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that's where most of our experience with adult

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caregiving comes from. Okay. So there's lots of

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different situations and some of us have will

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experience all of them and some of us

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will experience one or two. I think it

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even though there's differences between caregiving for an

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adult

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and caregiving for a child, there are very

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clear differences. There's a lot of crossover.

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So hopefully

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this will resonate regardless of where you are

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on the spectrum.

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Okay. So I wanna talk about how this

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caregiving for others, not your partner,

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affects

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power exchange life Mhmm. But power exchange. So

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I made a list.

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And you're checking it twice? And we're gonna

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go through it. Sound good. And hopefully, as

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we go through this, we can offer up

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some things to consider, some things to try.

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Okay. Just some solidarity. Alright. You turn on

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the fan? Before we do that, I'm turning

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on the noise maker. Oh, good. Because I've

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already gotten myself all hot and bothered and

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worked up.

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So

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okay. So let's start

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with these are in no particular order because

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they're all important at any given point. Mhmm.

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The no time

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for your power exchange, your fuckery. Oh.

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Oh. Time

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is not always on your side. It really

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is not. So the parenting thing

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that I often try to remind, especially newer

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parents,

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of is that in general,

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these children

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will grow up.

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They will become more independent.

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I am not gonna lie to you and

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tell you that parenting gets

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easier. It gets it stays hard. It's just

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different hard is all it is.

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So

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in a typical parenting situation, the no time

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thing does ease

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up. Situation,

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the no time thing

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does ease up. So if you're dealing with

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a screaming, crying, not sleeping through the night,

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small, small human,

271
00:09:54,659 --> 00:09:55,480
just know

272
00:09:56,019 --> 00:09:58,315
there will be a time when you literally

273
00:09:58,455 --> 00:10:01,095
could not wake them up with a brass

274
00:10:01,095 --> 00:10:03,254
band playing in their bedroom. Pretty much. Yeah.

275
00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:05,014
And you'll be like, oh, that means they

276
00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:06,154
can't hear shit.

277
00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:09,254
I'm in my room Right. Doing my thing.

278
00:10:09,254 --> 00:10:10,990
So, that is a thing that

279
00:10:11,529 --> 00:10:13,769
can shift and change. Right. And and, you

280
00:10:13,769 --> 00:10:16,330
know, when when we first got together, the

281
00:10:16,330 --> 00:10:18,830
boys were young enough, they were at that

282
00:10:19,850 --> 00:10:22,090
They were in that peak time for them

283
00:10:22,090 --> 00:10:25,115
where they could they slept like Like rocks.

284
00:10:25,174 --> 00:10:27,415
Yeah. They nothing woke them up. Nothing woke

285
00:10:27,415 --> 00:10:28,855
them up. They slept through the night, and

286
00:10:28,855 --> 00:10:31,654
they they didn't hear. One one once their

287
00:10:31,654 --> 00:10:33,014
eyes were closed and they were off in

288
00:10:33,014 --> 00:10:34,715
dreamland, they didn't hear anything.

289
00:10:35,654 --> 00:10:37,894
And then the there came a point where

290
00:10:37,894 --> 00:10:38,554
the oldest

291
00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:40,040
was,

292
00:10:43,139 --> 00:10:43,879
not quite

293
00:10:45,059 --> 00:10:47,299
the grade schooler, not quite high school, so

294
00:10:47,299 --> 00:10:50,259
that that in between Mhmm. You know, and

295
00:10:50,259 --> 00:10:52,759
and he was around a lot more.

296
00:10:53,815 --> 00:10:55,115
And then high school

297
00:10:55,495 --> 00:10:57,815
hit. It's a whole different animal. And and

298
00:10:57,815 --> 00:10:59,894
that was a whole different animal too because

299
00:10:59,894 --> 00:11:01,195
at at that time,

300
00:11:03,014 --> 00:11:05,095
he was involved with a lot of things.

301
00:11:05,095 --> 00:11:06,695
He was involved with school at, and he

302
00:11:06,695 --> 00:11:08,460
was a very busy person. He was not

303
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,139
home very much. It was great when he

304
00:11:10,139 --> 00:11:11,740
could start driving because then we didn't have

305
00:11:11,740 --> 00:11:12,960
to be the chauffeur anymore.

306
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,980
How many times did we sit in the

307
00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:18,700
circle parking circle at the high school in

308
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:19,440
our pajamas

309
00:11:20,059 --> 00:11:21,440
waiting for a child

310
00:11:21,899 --> 00:11:23,440
at 10:00 at night?

311
00:11:24,514 --> 00:11:25,715
Oh, I was so grateful when I could

312
00:11:25,715 --> 00:11:27,254
drink. Ball game. Yeah. Right.

313
00:11:28,274 --> 00:11:29,014
So the

314
00:11:30,514 --> 00:11:31,975
the no time thing

315
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:34,294
for parenting shifts and changes.

316
00:11:35,794 --> 00:11:38,835
We have our youngest is 15

317
00:11:38,835 --> 00:11:40,570
grader high school. However,

318
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:44,490
our youngest has mental and physical health stuff

319
00:11:44,789 --> 00:11:47,370
and is homeschooled. Mhmm. And so

320
00:11:47,830 --> 00:11:51,429
the his brother had the hit a certain

321
00:11:51,429 --> 00:11:51,929
age,

322
00:11:52,485 --> 00:11:54,884
you know, wanted all the independence we would

323
00:11:54,884 --> 00:11:57,365
grant him. Mhmm. And then some. And then

324
00:11:57,365 --> 00:11:59,785
some. More than we would grant him. Yeah.

325
00:12:00,085 --> 00:12:01,785
And then the youngest is,

326
00:12:02,164 --> 00:12:04,245
actually, I would do anything I could to

327
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:05,070
never leave this

328
00:12:05,629 --> 00:12:08,110
this house. Right. Yeah. And so we've I

329
00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:10,269
feel like from a parenting perspective, we're seeing

330
00:12:10,269 --> 00:12:12,910
both ends of some kind of spectrum of

331
00:12:12,910 --> 00:12:14,690
they're never home, which

332
00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:17,230
the nice thing is when they're not home,

333
00:12:17,230 --> 00:12:19,194
they're off doing their own thing. You get

334
00:12:19,194 --> 00:12:21,115
that ideally, you get that time to yourself.

335
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,735
It's an hour. It's a couple hours.

336
00:12:23,115 --> 00:12:25,615
Hopefully, there's no other children who are, like,

337
00:12:26,235 --> 00:12:28,314
meeting you. Right? You might be able to

338
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:29,534
claw back some time.

339
00:12:29,995 --> 00:12:31,570
In this case, we have a kid who's

340
00:12:31,570 --> 00:12:33,429
always around, and this will come into the

341
00:12:33,649 --> 00:12:34,149
privacy

342
00:12:34,450 --> 00:12:34,950
issue.

343
00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:36,950
So

344
00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:40,289
we are not needed, but we are very

345
00:12:40,289 --> 00:12:42,610
aware there is a child in this house

346
00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:45,095
while we are trying to be kinky fuckers.

347
00:12:45,315 --> 00:12:46,834
I yeah. You and and, you know, I

348
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,595
think I mentioned this to you, you know,

349
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:50,914
with him being home in a sense, it's

350
00:12:50,914 --> 00:12:53,975
almost like being a caregiver twenty four seven.

351
00:12:54,514 --> 00:12:56,674
When the health issues were at their peak,

352
00:12:56,674 --> 00:12:59,210
it absolutely was. It absolutely was. Like, we

353
00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:00,190
were not at a point

354
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,410
at at that stage where we were even

355
00:13:02,410 --> 00:13:04,490
focused on our power exchange and certain nobody

356
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:06,110
had time or energy for fuckery.

357
00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:09,290
So it just kinda pushed all that down

358
00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:10,190
even more.

359
00:13:11,585 --> 00:13:13,684
He's much more stable mostly.

360
00:13:15,184 --> 00:13:17,285
We figured out a groove and a routine.

361
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,924
Mhmm. We can we also

362
00:13:20,945 --> 00:13:22,705
we part we bought the house we live

363
00:13:22,705 --> 00:13:25,024
in for very specific reasons. One is the

364
00:13:25,024 --> 00:13:27,690
office in which we stream and record. Mhmm.

365
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:30,170
But two is because the kids' bedrooms are

366
00:13:30,170 --> 00:13:32,490
on one side and we were on the

367
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:34,429
other. When we were

368
00:13:35,529 --> 00:13:36,750
viewing this house,

369
00:13:38,090 --> 00:13:40,410
one of the things we did and I

370
00:13:40,410 --> 00:13:42,009
need you to remember, sound carries in an

371
00:13:42,009 --> 00:13:44,375
empty building, empty room. Right. One of us

372
00:13:44,375 --> 00:13:45,575
stood in what would be one of the

373
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,475
kids' bedrooms, closed the door. The other one

374
00:13:48,774 --> 00:13:49,274
went

375
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,375
to what would be our bedroom, closed the

376
00:13:52,375 --> 00:13:55,095
door. And then started we started making noise.

377
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:58,330
Noise. Loud noise. Yeah. When we realized, oh,

378
00:13:58,330 --> 00:14:00,730
shit. Well, I can't hear him. He can't

379
00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:02,269
hear me. We're like No.

380
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,570
All things being equal, this is the fucking

381
00:14:04,570 --> 00:14:05,070
house.

382
00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:07,230
Because we had just had

383
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:09,210
the,

384
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,570
the experience of the children being across the

385
00:14:12,570 --> 00:14:14,745
hall from us and Oh, yeah. Thin walls.

386
00:14:14,804 --> 00:14:17,625
Again, we will get to the privacy issue.

387
00:14:17,684 --> 00:14:19,845
Mhmm. But it tends to be the privacy

388
00:14:19,845 --> 00:14:21,605
issue and the time issues feel like they

389
00:14:21,605 --> 00:14:23,384
go hand in hand. Yeah. Now,

390
00:14:25,684 --> 00:14:27,684
the time thing, part of it as a

391
00:14:27,684 --> 00:14:30,759
parent is as they need you less

392
00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:34,120
and you can trust that they will not

393
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:36,600
swallow

394
00:14:36,899 --> 00:14:39,299
a rock if you leave them alone or

395
00:14:39,299 --> 00:14:41,539
stick their finger in a socket or whatever

396
00:14:41,539 --> 00:14:42,039
whatever.

397
00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:44,024
You can pull back some of that timing

398
00:14:44,024 --> 00:14:45,464
and go to a private area and get

399
00:14:45,464 --> 00:14:48,024
10, five minutes, 15 minutes. As they get

400
00:14:48,024 --> 00:14:50,044
older, ideally, you get more and more time.

401
00:14:50,664 --> 00:14:52,684
Now let's talk about the adult caregiving

402
00:14:53,144 --> 00:14:55,464
because we had the experience of you having

403
00:14:55,464 --> 00:14:58,090
to to travel. Yes. The first time was

404
00:14:58,090 --> 00:14:59,929
your sister. Right. She was a few miles

405
00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:01,210
up the road. It was Mhmm. It was

406
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:02,830
travel time because of traffic.

407
00:15:03,450 --> 00:15:05,290
Yeah. But it was not But it was

408
00:15:05,290 --> 00:15:07,769
in in in the same area. Same general

409
00:15:07,769 --> 00:15:09,585
area. Exactly. The second time was your mom,

410
00:15:09,585 --> 00:15:11,585
and that was a two hour drive one

411
00:15:11,585 --> 00:15:14,384
way. Correct. And you were the one who

412
00:15:14,384 --> 00:15:17,445
needed to be there Yeah. As the responsible

413
00:15:17,745 --> 00:15:20,065
adult. Yeah. Great. So, yeah, I

414
00:15:20,785 --> 00:15:22,325
the way that had,

415
00:15:23,159 --> 00:15:24,779
or at least it was meant to work,

416
00:15:26,039 --> 00:15:27,740
I would be gone during the week,

417
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,419
and then someone would take over

418
00:15:32,839 --> 00:15:35,240
for me on the weekend. And I come

419
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:35,740
home,

420
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,014
see my baby girl, and catch up with

421
00:15:39,475 --> 00:15:40,875
what what work

422
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,575
Yeah. Came in during that week.

423
00:15:44,754 --> 00:15:45,075
And,

424
00:15:46,355 --> 00:15:48,434
you know, there again too, it it it's

425
00:15:48,434 --> 00:15:49,335
nice when

426
00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:51,389
things work out the way they're supposed to,

427
00:15:51,389 --> 00:15:53,009
but don't always count on it.

428
00:15:54,350 --> 00:15:56,590
Numerous times, I came home for the weekend,

429
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:58,269
and within a few hours, I would get

430
00:15:58,269 --> 00:15:59,809
a phone call. Right.

431
00:16:00,590 --> 00:16:02,590
I know. I can't handle this. What am

432
00:16:02,590 --> 00:16:04,830
I doing? I need you. And I had

433
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:06,345
to turn around and go back. And that

434
00:16:06,345 --> 00:16:08,825
was not the adult needing care. It was

435
00:16:08,825 --> 00:16:10,764
the adult who was supposed to be providing

436
00:16:10,825 --> 00:16:12,845
care. Care. Yeah. Yeah.

437
00:16:13,625 --> 00:16:14,125
So

438
00:16:14,904 --> 00:16:15,404
that

439
00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:18,120
put

440
00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:20,539
a big strain

441
00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:23,159
on RDS at that time. Oh, yeah. I

442
00:16:23,159 --> 00:16:25,080
mean, even even more so than my sister

443
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,480
because at least that with with her, you

444
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,519
know, at the end of the day, I

445
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:30,839
was home. Right. Right. You were sitting in

446
00:16:30,839 --> 00:16:32,120
your own bed most times. At the end

447
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,799
of every day, I was home with you.

448
00:16:33,799 --> 00:16:35,934
Right. And we got to a point where

449
00:16:35,934 --> 00:16:37,534
you and I actually were able to tag

450
00:16:37,534 --> 00:16:38,355
team because

451
00:16:38,814 --> 00:16:40,654
that was when you still worked your big

452
00:16:40,654 --> 00:16:42,894
boy office job. Right. And so you had

453
00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:44,574
a limited amount of time you could take

454
00:16:44,574 --> 00:16:46,674
off Mhmm. That you would get paid for.

455
00:16:46,814 --> 00:16:47,314
Yeah.

456
00:16:48,089 --> 00:16:50,809
And I so the there came a point

457
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,329
I was like, I will drive you to

458
00:16:52,329 --> 00:16:54,409
medical appointments. I will take you to stores

459
00:16:54,409 --> 00:16:56,569
if you need it. Mhmm. I you know,

460
00:16:56,569 --> 00:16:57,069
JB

461
00:16:57,370 --> 00:16:59,069
doesn't have the time financially

462
00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:01,769
at work to be able to do all

463
00:17:01,769 --> 00:17:02,750
of this. Mhmm.

464
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:05,154
I I don't think I have to tell

465
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,815
anybody who's caring for any human

466
00:17:08,115 --> 00:17:10,355
that if you can have help and access

467
00:17:10,355 --> 00:17:11,575
to help and resources,

468
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,954
it does go easier than if you were

469
00:17:13,954 --> 00:17:16,674
doing it on your fucking own. Mhmm. I

470
00:17:16,674 --> 00:17:18,750
think we all know that. But it is

471
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:21,630
one of those things where whether it's raising

472
00:17:21,630 --> 00:17:23,470
a child until you push them out of

473
00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:25,070
the fucking nest, and if they come home,

474
00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:27,070
at least they're adults Mhmm. Or it's an

475
00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:29,570
adult who needs long term care.

476
00:17:31,654 --> 00:17:33,514
It it what was I gonna say? Goddamn.

477
00:17:34,214 --> 00:17:34,714
It's

478
00:17:35,815 --> 00:17:36,934
it it will take up a lot of

479
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,855
time, but it tends to be a season

480
00:17:38,855 --> 00:17:40,234
in life. It is not

481
00:17:40,615 --> 00:17:41,115
usually

482
00:17:41,815 --> 00:17:43,914
a forever thing. Mhmm.

483
00:17:44,774 --> 00:17:45,274
And

484
00:17:47,660 --> 00:17:49,980
I think what we found both with parenting

485
00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:51,740
and taking care of your sister and then

486
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:54,299
your mom is you get into routines. You

487
00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:55,740
know, even if you're not trying to, even

488
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:57,820
if you're a person who hates routines, most

489
00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:59,180
of the time you kinda fall naturally and

490
00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:01,085
knowing this is the pattern of what happens.

491
00:18:01,305 --> 00:18:02,664
And so, like, when you're taking care of

492
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:03,964
your mom and you were gone

493
00:18:04,265 --> 00:18:06,025
all week and then you'd be home usually

494
00:18:06,025 --> 00:18:08,204
Friday evening or Saturday or whatever,

495
00:18:09,785 --> 00:18:12,184
that was a time when, no, fuckery and

496
00:18:12,184 --> 00:18:14,669
power exchange was kind of the furthest thing

497
00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:15,730
from our minds.

498
00:18:16,349 --> 00:18:18,589
Yeah. Yep. I cannot speak for anybody else,

499
00:18:18,589 --> 00:18:20,909
and I'm not speaking for you, JV. But

500
00:18:20,909 --> 00:18:22,609
I will say there is some,

501
00:18:25,389 --> 00:18:27,389
hope is maybe too strong of a word,

502
00:18:27,389 --> 00:18:28,369
but there is some

503
00:18:29,744 --> 00:18:31,904
calm that I can feel when I can

504
00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:33,605
look at a situation and I go,

505
00:18:34,384 --> 00:18:36,644
no matter how this ends, whether it's triumphantly

506
00:18:36,785 --> 00:18:39,045
or painfully, this is not forever.

507
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,265
Correct. It's not gonna be great when it

508
00:18:41,265 --> 00:18:42,945
ends. We're gonna have to, like, go through

509
00:18:42,945 --> 00:18:45,329
that too. But this situation that is sucking

510
00:18:45,329 --> 00:18:46,950
up time and money and resources

511
00:18:47,410 --> 00:18:48,150
and is

512
00:18:48,609 --> 00:18:49,589
mentally, emotionally

513
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:50,630
difficult

514
00:18:51,490 --> 00:18:52,630
does not last forever.

515
00:18:53,170 --> 00:18:54,950
If we can get through this,

516
00:18:55,970 --> 00:18:57,650
we can figure out what our new normal

517
00:18:57,650 --> 00:18:59,164
looks like and get back to

518
00:18:59,704 --> 00:19:01,644
some semblance of whatever we're trying to do.

519
00:19:02,024 --> 00:19:04,505
But, yeah, with your sister, you actually had

520
00:19:04,505 --> 00:19:05,404
more help,

521
00:19:05,784 --> 00:19:07,625
not as much as you should have. Well

522
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:09,784
and then the end was a shit show.

523
00:19:09,784 --> 00:19:13,460
Mhmm. With your mom, you had less help.

524
00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:16,519
Yes. And less reliable help. Oh, yeah.

525
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:17,960
Yeah.

526
00:19:18,339 --> 00:19:19,240
Now as

527
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,180
the person who was not directly impacted and

528
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:24,740
and had I missed my daddy, but I

529
00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:26,664
stayed home with the kids and, like, my

530
00:19:26,785 --> 00:19:28,065
that part of my life got to stay

531
00:19:28,065 --> 00:19:28,565
normal.

532
00:19:29,265 --> 00:19:30,244
As a submissive,

533
00:19:30,625 --> 00:19:32,785
I was like, I am taking care of

534
00:19:32,785 --> 00:19:34,704
things here both because that's what you do,

535
00:19:34,704 --> 00:19:36,865
but I I framed it in my little

536
00:19:36,865 --> 00:19:39,525
subby section of my mind as a service.

537
00:19:40,730 --> 00:19:42,330
Anything to make your when you got home

538
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:43,869
your life a little bit easier.

539
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,390
For me,

540
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,849
that was how I could kinda hold on

541
00:19:47,849 --> 00:19:49,470
to some of the power exchange

542
00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:51,849
part. It was I just had to reframe

543
00:19:51,849 --> 00:19:53,930
it. It was still a bad thing that

544
00:19:53,930 --> 00:19:56,335
was gonna end in grief and pain because

545
00:19:56,335 --> 00:19:57,295
it was.

546
00:19:58,174 --> 00:20:00,195
But in the middle of it, the surviving

547
00:20:00,414 --> 00:20:02,174
of it, the we had no time to

548
00:20:02,174 --> 00:20:04,174
see one another. We were separated for days

549
00:20:04,174 --> 00:20:06,115
at a time. Mhmm. All of that.

550
00:20:06,654 --> 00:20:07,934
I was like, yeah. But if I can

551
00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:10,690
kinda keep everything calm here and be one

552
00:20:10,690 --> 00:20:12,950
less thing for JB to worry about

553
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,450
Yeah. Then I'm doing this I'm I'm I'm

554
00:20:16,450 --> 00:20:16,950
serving.

555
00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:18,309
With your sister,

556
00:20:18,769 --> 00:20:20,390
that was more of a just a teamwork.

557
00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:22,130
K? Right. What can I do to take

558
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:24,210
the burden off of you? How can I

559
00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:26,505
ease make this a little easier for you?

560
00:20:26,505 --> 00:20:28,125
Yeah. You know? And sometimes

561
00:20:30,184 --> 00:20:32,025
both the you know, there's two of you

562
00:20:32,025 --> 00:20:32,765
in the relationship

563
00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:36,345
and child or adult, you're both going through

564
00:20:36,345 --> 00:20:38,184
it and it's hard for both of you.

565
00:20:38,184 --> 00:20:39,565
Mhmm. But the

566
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:42,029
the trying to help each other,

567
00:20:43,049 --> 00:20:43,789
even if

568
00:20:44,090 --> 00:20:46,009
it's not quite noticed in the moment or

569
00:20:46,009 --> 00:20:48,410
you it's not explicitly asked for, just trying

570
00:20:48,410 --> 00:20:48,910
to

571
00:20:49,210 --> 00:20:51,450
be a support for for one and then

572
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:52,184
the other and switch

573
00:20:53,384 --> 00:20:54,745
off. I think I think it makes a

574
00:20:54,745 --> 00:20:57,884
difference. I do. Yeah. But the time factor,

575
00:20:58,745 --> 00:21:00,345
that is why we talk about, I think,

576
00:21:00,345 --> 00:21:01,485
in last week's episode,

577
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:03,085
small connections.

578
00:21:03,945 --> 00:21:04,445
Small,

579
00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:08,579
seemingly ordinary things that don't mean anything

580
00:21:09,599 --> 00:21:11,059
except to the two of you.

581
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:11,940
Our

582
00:21:12,319 --> 00:21:14,640
bedtime ritual. Mhmm. The only time we don't

583
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:15,839
do it is if he's not in this

584
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:17,519
building. Right. And even then, we'll do it

585
00:21:17,519 --> 00:21:19,375
verbally over the phone. Correct. It's not quite

586
00:21:19,375 --> 00:21:21,554
the same, but it it has meaning. Right?

587
00:21:22,015 --> 00:21:22,515
Mhmm.

588
00:21:23,214 --> 00:21:23,714
Routines.

589
00:21:24,335 --> 00:21:26,815
Yeah. Having habits. This is what I do

590
00:21:26,815 --> 00:21:28,015
as a dumb. This is what I do

591
00:21:28,015 --> 00:21:30,174
as a sub. That you can do. Right?

592
00:21:30,174 --> 00:21:32,589
Like, sometimes everything's so disruptive. You don't have

593
00:21:32,589 --> 00:21:33,630
the time to do it. You have to,

594
00:21:33,630 --> 00:21:36,109
like, put it to the side. But I

595
00:21:36,109 --> 00:21:37,869
know what my routine looks like on a

596
00:21:37,869 --> 00:21:39,649
typical day, whether I've got

597
00:21:40,029 --> 00:21:40,769
two children

598
00:21:41,390 --> 00:21:42,769
hanging on a leg, which

599
00:21:43,710 --> 00:21:45,789
thankfully the oldest was old too old for

600
00:21:45,789 --> 00:21:47,734
that by the time we started our power

601
00:21:47,734 --> 00:21:50,934
exchange. Right. Or I've got teenagers who are

602
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:52,954
telling me that I make them do everything,

603
00:21:53,654 --> 00:21:54,154
and

604
00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:56,214
all I wanna make them do is take

605
00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:57,914
a shower. You know? Mhmm.

606
00:21:59,255 --> 00:22:01,595
Like, those routines, you know, for me,

607
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:05,069
that's what lets me feel my submissive self

608
00:22:05,069 --> 00:22:06,849
when I don't have any external,

609
00:22:08,509 --> 00:22:11,069
validation or experience. Or JB's gotta go off

610
00:22:11,069 --> 00:22:13,389
and do his thing, and I'm still here

611
00:22:13,389 --> 00:22:15,855
trying to keep everything going. I could still

612
00:22:15,855 --> 00:22:16,355
connect

613
00:22:16,815 --> 00:22:19,134
and tap into that even if we're not

614
00:22:19,134 --> 00:22:20,914
directly doing it together. Mhmm.

615
00:22:21,295 --> 00:22:22,575
I mean, one of one of the big

616
00:22:22,575 --> 00:22:23,634
things for me,

617
00:22:25,055 --> 00:22:27,295
especially since I I had to stay down

618
00:22:27,295 --> 00:22:28,515
there for, you know,

619
00:22:29,279 --> 00:22:30,420
days at a time,

620
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,900
was when we connected through FaceTime.

621
00:22:35,519 --> 00:22:36,740
Mhmm. You know?

622
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:39,059
And and doing that,

623
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,039
you know, us connecting and talking every every

624
00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:44,259
evening that way,

625
00:22:45,174 --> 00:22:46,394
it it helped me

626
00:22:47,015 --> 00:22:48,875
carry the emotional load. Mhmm.

627
00:22:49,734 --> 00:22:50,234
Mhmm.

628
00:22:51,095 --> 00:22:53,434
And I think that when when the caregiving

629
00:22:53,494 --> 00:22:54,795
you're providing is very

630
00:22:55,335 --> 00:22:57,674
stressful and there's grief attached to it,

631
00:22:58,159 --> 00:22:59,460
I think whatever

632
00:23:00,319 --> 00:23:01,919
one or both of you can do for

633
00:23:01,919 --> 00:23:04,240
each other, even if when you're both truly

634
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,079
going through it at the same time. Right?

635
00:23:06,079 --> 00:23:06,579
Maybe

636
00:23:07,039 --> 00:23:08,799
the adult is somebody you're both super close

637
00:23:08,799 --> 00:23:10,480
to. Maybe you each have an adult that

638
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,044
you're caregiving for and you're both going through

639
00:23:13,044 --> 00:23:15,204
it. Those, man, those small points of connection

640
00:23:15,204 --> 00:23:16,644
are the things that you can find to

641
00:23:16,644 --> 00:23:18,964
do for each other. And look, that is

642
00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:20,964
not a kink thing. That's not a power

643
00:23:20,964 --> 00:23:23,285
exchange thing. That is a human thing, a

644
00:23:23,285 --> 00:23:26,849
relationship thing. Doesn't matter the flavor, but if

645
00:23:26,849 --> 00:23:28,149
you can then do it with

646
00:23:28,690 --> 00:23:31,809
a kinky twist, you know, I think I

647
00:23:31,809 --> 00:23:34,069
think it can be those small moments

648
00:23:34,849 --> 00:23:36,369
that don't take a lot of time, that

649
00:23:36,369 --> 00:23:38,529
are happening while you're doing other things, that

650
00:23:38,529 --> 00:23:40,684
are part of a routine that you are

651
00:23:40,744 --> 00:23:41,804
able to maintain.

652
00:23:42,105 --> 00:23:43,865
And that means you might have to strip

653
00:23:43,865 --> 00:23:46,365
down and simplify the power exchange in kinklife.

654
00:23:46,744 --> 00:23:48,585
It might have to go to bare bare

655
00:23:48,585 --> 00:23:51,625
minimum for you to, you know, to feel

656
00:23:51,625 --> 00:23:53,160
like you can be a little connected to

657
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:54,920
the power exchange, but also get through your

658
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,019
day. Right. I mean, those little things

659
00:23:58,119 --> 00:23:59,740
were so important. Mhmm.

660
00:24:00,039 --> 00:24:00,539
Alright.

661
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,160
You know, between between all the stress and

662
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,920
everything else that was going on at the

663
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:07,420
time,

664
00:24:08,924 --> 00:24:10,765
you know, you you don't have a lot

665
00:24:10,765 --> 00:24:11,265
of,

666
00:24:12,204 --> 00:24:13,505
freedom to just,

667
00:24:14,765 --> 00:24:15,424
you know,

668
00:24:15,884 --> 00:24:17,804
move about, so to speak. And, you know,

669
00:24:17,804 --> 00:24:19,565
do do the things the way you normally

670
00:24:19,565 --> 00:24:21,984
do them. So when, you know,

671
00:24:22,759 --> 00:24:24,599
those little things yeah, man. In in those

672
00:24:24,599 --> 00:24:26,599
instances, you you look for it and you

673
00:24:26,599 --> 00:24:28,679
hold on to it. Mhmm. And you have

674
00:24:28,679 --> 00:24:30,839
to be intentional about it. Yeah. And there

675
00:24:30,839 --> 00:24:32,599
will be times you can't be intentional. It's

676
00:24:32,599 --> 00:24:34,679
a bad day. It was a bad night.

677
00:24:34,679 --> 00:24:36,059
It's a whatever.

678
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,575
You don't have the luxury of time to

679
00:24:38,575 --> 00:24:40,734
even really think about it. But when you

680
00:24:40,734 --> 00:24:42,654
get those quiet moments where you can think

681
00:24:42,654 --> 00:24:44,575
about it Mhmm. And the thing is is

682
00:24:44,575 --> 00:24:46,894
the quiet moments for people who, like like,

683
00:24:46,894 --> 00:24:48,494
I'm a person who I need some quiet

684
00:24:48,494 --> 00:24:50,095
time to really, like, deep dive into my

685
00:24:50,095 --> 00:24:51,775
own brain to figure out what I'm thinking

686
00:24:51,775 --> 00:24:52,839
and what I'm feeling.

687
00:24:53,140 --> 00:24:56,180
Some of those situations don't allow for lots

688
00:24:56,180 --> 00:24:57,320
and lots of time.

689
00:24:58,019 --> 00:24:58,519
So

690
00:24:59,299 --> 00:24:59,799
I

691
00:25:00,180 --> 00:25:02,200
had to get good at

692
00:25:03,539 --> 00:25:05,984
allowing myself five minutes. Look, it might be

693
00:25:05,984 --> 00:25:07,345
when I finally got to sit down and

694
00:25:07,345 --> 00:25:09,825
go to the bathroom and pee. And there

695
00:25:09,825 --> 00:25:11,345
was the two minutes I had in there

696
00:25:11,345 --> 00:25:13,424
on my own as a parent or anything

697
00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:13,924
else

698
00:25:14,705 --> 00:25:16,545
to try. But I also think you have

699
00:25:16,545 --> 00:25:17,904
to be careful not to put too much

700
00:25:17,904 --> 00:25:18,404
pressure

701
00:25:19,079 --> 00:25:21,099
on yourself and your partner in the relationship.

702
00:25:22,679 --> 00:25:25,720
These, you know, raising little humans to be

703
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,099
not shitty big humans

704
00:25:27,559 --> 00:25:30,519
and caring for adults who maybe have cared

705
00:25:30,519 --> 00:25:32,440
for you when you were little or you're

706
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,039
seeing them in a vulnerable way that you

707
00:25:34,039 --> 00:25:35,974
would never normally have seen them,

708
00:25:36,355 --> 00:25:36,855
that

709
00:25:37,955 --> 00:25:40,035
carries that takes a shit ton of time

710
00:25:40,035 --> 00:25:42,434
and it carries a huge emotional strain. And

711
00:25:42,434 --> 00:25:42,934
if

712
00:25:43,555 --> 00:25:46,195
you are also on top of it worried

713
00:25:46,195 --> 00:25:47,575
about somehow maintaining

714
00:25:48,195 --> 00:25:48,695
some

715
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:50,259
very in-depth

716
00:25:51,039 --> 00:25:51,779
time consuming

717
00:25:52,319 --> 00:25:53,140
kink life,

718
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,319
you are going to burn yourself out from

719
00:25:56,319 --> 00:25:58,640
both fucking ends because something will have to

720
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,119
give. You know? Mhmm. Is there that some

721
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:02,880
exceptional person who's like, no. No. No. I

722
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,815
can handle. I can compartmentalize, and I can

723
00:26:04,815 --> 00:26:06,654
give this much attention to this and that

724
00:26:06,654 --> 00:26:07,934
much attention to that, and I can keep

725
00:26:07,934 --> 00:26:08,595
it balanced.

726
00:26:09,134 --> 00:26:11,055
You, my friend, are the exception. You are

727
00:26:11,055 --> 00:26:12,894
not the rule. The rule is most of

728
00:26:12,894 --> 00:26:15,795
us have a limited capacity. Right. And parenting,

729
00:26:16,150 --> 00:26:16,650
caregiving,

730
00:26:17,269 --> 00:26:19,509
there are stages and times in life where

731
00:26:19,509 --> 00:26:22,630
that is your biggest focus. Yeah. And that

732
00:26:22,630 --> 00:26:24,470
means that your power exchange, no matter how

733
00:26:24,470 --> 00:26:26,150
much you care about it and how much

734
00:26:26,150 --> 00:26:28,650
meaning you derive from it and how much

735
00:26:30,315 --> 00:26:31,054
you feel

736
00:26:31,355 --> 00:26:33,375
connected to your truest self,

737
00:26:33,994 --> 00:26:36,554
it takes a back seat and that is

738
00:26:36,554 --> 00:26:37,054
normal.

739
00:26:37,434 --> 00:26:39,275
And I the the things I've seen people

740
00:26:39,275 --> 00:26:41,434
put themselves through to try to maintain what

741
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:43,450
they had at a time in life when

742
00:26:43,450 --> 00:26:45,529
they don't have the same amount of time

743
00:26:45,529 --> 00:26:46,190
for it,

744
00:26:47,130 --> 00:26:48,529
you're making your life harder than it needs

745
00:26:48,529 --> 00:26:49,150
to be.

746
00:26:49,690 --> 00:26:51,789
Now, you know, I I will say this.

747
00:26:51,850 --> 00:26:54,910
What what helped me too through that time

748
00:26:55,130 --> 00:26:57,529
was the fact that you were taking care

749
00:26:57,529 --> 00:26:58,269
of everything.

750
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:00,485
When I came when I came home,

751
00:27:02,144 --> 00:27:04,144
the house was cared for. The house was

752
00:27:04,144 --> 00:27:05,904
taken care of. The, you know, there were

753
00:27:05,985 --> 00:27:08,545
you had done grocery shopping. You did whatever,

754
00:27:08,545 --> 00:27:10,065
you know, laundry needed to be done. You

755
00:27:10,065 --> 00:27:12,545
took you took care of all that. And

756
00:27:12,545 --> 00:27:15,420
and for me, that was a big thing.

757
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,059
Mhmm. You know? And and also too,

758
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:20,680
you know, because we still had a business

759
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,180
to run. Mhmm. And to pay the mortgage.

760
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:25,259
Yeah. Yeah. We did. So

761
00:27:25,799 --> 00:27:27,480
when when I came home, what I was

762
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:28,694
very grateful for

763
00:27:29,095 --> 00:27:31,335
too, you know, you had things laid out

764
00:27:31,335 --> 00:27:32,075
for me

765
00:27:33,414 --> 00:27:34,855
for the work that I had to do

766
00:27:34,855 --> 00:27:36,694
for the weekend, and and you had it

767
00:27:36,694 --> 00:27:38,634
laid out for me so I could just,

768
00:27:39,014 --> 00:27:40,909
you know, pop up up up up right

769
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:41,529
through. Mhmm.

770
00:27:41,829 --> 00:27:43,109
You know? So that that,

771
00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:46,009
that went a long way.

772
00:27:47,109 --> 00:27:49,049
Here's the thing that this ties into.

773
00:27:49,669 --> 00:27:51,669
So in some situations, one of you is

774
00:27:51,669 --> 00:27:53,349
off having to do the caregiving, and the

775
00:27:53,349 --> 00:27:55,424
other one of you is left behind or

776
00:27:55,664 --> 00:27:57,985
not as involved and so you're looking at

777
00:27:57,985 --> 00:27:59,424
every other part of your life. Right? That's

778
00:27:59,424 --> 00:28:00,325
gotta be maintained.

779
00:28:01,664 --> 00:28:03,664
This is an example of sharing the mental

780
00:28:03,664 --> 00:28:04,164
load.

781
00:28:04,625 --> 00:28:06,005
I could take on

782
00:28:06,305 --> 00:28:07,285
the domestic

783
00:28:07,585 --> 00:28:10,785
and professional mental load because JB's mental load

784
00:28:10,785 --> 00:28:11,285
was

785
00:28:11,849 --> 00:28:13,789
unending stress and grief. Right?

786
00:28:14,569 --> 00:28:17,849
In parenting, this is one of many reasons

787
00:28:17,849 --> 00:28:19,930
the first first marriage did not work. There's

788
00:28:19,930 --> 00:28:21,369
so many reasons, but this is one of

789
00:28:21,369 --> 00:28:23,210
them. There was no sharing of the mental

790
00:28:23,210 --> 00:28:23,565
load.

791
00:28:24,365 --> 00:28:27,024
You know? It was all on me

792
00:28:27,484 --> 00:28:30,044
to remember everything, to take care of everything.

793
00:28:30,044 --> 00:28:31,565
Now we do have an episode about mental

794
00:28:31,565 --> 00:28:33,105
load in power exchange,

795
00:28:33,484 --> 00:28:35,984
but the more you can share

796
00:28:36,809 --> 00:28:38,890
in a relationship where you're trying to you're

797
00:28:38,890 --> 00:28:41,369
trying to have be fucking kinky and power

798
00:28:41,369 --> 00:28:43,609
exchange y, but also this thing is happening

799
00:28:43,609 --> 00:28:45,369
in your life, the more you can share

800
00:28:45,369 --> 00:28:46,429
the mental load,

801
00:28:48,250 --> 00:28:49,474
none of it's easy, but

802
00:28:49,775 --> 00:28:51,775
the air quote, that's the easier it is.

803
00:28:51,775 --> 00:28:54,015
Because then you're not alone. Right? Like, in

804
00:28:54,015 --> 00:28:56,015
my mind, JB was doing the hardest part.

805
00:28:56,015 --> 00:28:57,934
He was making these drives, and then he

806
00:28:57,934 --> 00:28:58,914
was going into

807
00:28:59,295 --> 00:28:59,795
sometimes

808
00:29:01,230 --> 00:29:01,730
idiotically

809
00:29:02,349 --> 00:29:04,190
stupid stressful moments that didn't even need to

810
00:29:04,190 --> 00:29:05,950
be stressful. And there was not a fucking

811
00:29:05,950 --> 00:29:07,789
thing I could do to help. But what

812
00:29:07,789 --> 00:29:09,150
I could do is make sure his life

813
00:29:09,150 --> 00:29:11,329
was a little easier at home. Right?

814
00:29:12,109 --> 00:29:14,109
In parenting, there were a lot of times

815
00:29:14,109 --> 00:29:16,194
I'm what's called the default parent. My children

816
00:29:16,194 --> 00:29:17,954
to this day are coming to me first.

817
00:29:17,954 --> 00:29:20,275
Like, one's a fucking adult. I'm getting the

818
00:29:20,275 --> 00:29:22,034
first text, the first one. And I don't

819
00:29:22,034 --> 00:29:24,534
mind. I'd I'm glad I have that relationship

820
00:29:24,595 --> 00:29:26,994
with them. But what that meant was when

821
00:29:26,994 --> 00:29:27,894
they were younger,

822
00:29:29,589 --> 00:29:32,410
everything was mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

823
00:29:32,549 --> 00:29:33,769
Mom. And so if

824
00:29:34,549 --> 00:29:35,049
I

825
00:29:36,069 --> 00:29:36,569
of

826
00:29:36,950 --> 00:29:38,710
by the way, some of y'all have heard

827
00:29:38,710 --> 00:29:41,429
it before. My text, my ringer for my

828
00:29:41,429 --> 00:29:41,929
children

829
00:29:42,514 --> 00:29:43,255
is Stewie

830
00:29:43,714 --> 00:29:46,355
saying mom, mom, mommy, might. Because, yeah, that's

831
00:29:46,355 --> 00:29:46,855
familiar.

832
00:29:47,474 --> 00:29:47,974
Mama.

833
00:29:49,474 --> 00:29:51,474
So JB was always very good at going,

834
00:29:51,474 --> 00:29:52,434
oh, this is a,

835
00:29:52,994 --> 00:29:54,615
a high touch parenting moment.

836
00:29:55,670 --> 00:29:57,910
BG don't have time for nothing. I can

837
00:29:57,910 --> 00:29:59,670
go clean this thing. I can take care

838
00:29:59,670 --> 00:30:02,069
of this thing. I can offer to help

839
00:30:02,069 --> 00:30:03,450
with the parenting thing,

840
00:30:04,069 --> 00:30:06,390
you know, so that that that mental load

841
00:30:06,390 --> 00:30:08,115
was shared. Because when you already don't have

842
00:30:08,115 --> 00:30:10,035
time to connect in your power exchange and

843
00:30:10,035 --> 00:30:12,434
also you're carrying the mental load of caring

844
00:30:12,434 --> 00:30:14,674
for this or keeping something going or whatever

845
00:30:14,674 --> 00:30:16,674
whatever, if it's not the burden is not

846
00:30:16,674 --> 00:30:17,174
shared,

847
00:30:17,795 --> 00:30:20,775
you have less time. And also, you are

848
00:30:20,914 --> 00:30:22,195
one of the things we're about to get

849
00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:23,849
to, it's actually the next thing. Let's segue

850
00:30:23,849 --> 00:30:25,309
into it. Stress.

851
00:30:26,170 --> 00:30:29,049
The stress of it all. The stress of

852
00:30:29,049 --> 00:30:31,529
it all. Shared mental load reduces that a

853
00:30:31,529 --> 00:30:33,309
little bit, but Mhmm. Sometimes

854
00:30:33,690 --> 00:30:36,430
it's just gonna be stressful till it's not.

855
00:30:36,570 --> 00:30:38,109
Right. It really is.

856
00:30:38,545 --> 00:30:40,644
Pretty much. I mean, you know,

857
00:30:41,105 --> 00:30:43,345
the times in parenting that were stressful that

858
00:30:43,345 --> 00:30:43,845
were

859
00:30:44,305 --> 00:30:46,065
sometimes I had to be reminded, sometimes I

860
00:30:46,065 --> 00:30:47,605
already knew, that were

861
00:30:47,904 --> 00:30:48,404
developmentally

862
00:30:49,184 --> 00:30:51,424
appropriate. This is what they're kinda supposed to

863
00:30:51,424 --> 00:30:53,029
do at this age, and you you got

864
00:30:53,029 --> 00:30:54,470
to respond the way that you feel. You

865
00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:55,929
got to respond, blah, blah, blah.

866
00:30:58,309 --> 00:31:00,789
That is a that is a stress. But

867
00:31:00,789 --> 00:31:02,549
then there is the stress. I'll speak from

868
00:31:02,549 --> 00:31:05,349
a parenting perspective because you you felt it,

869
00:31:05,349 --> 00:31:07,964
but you also felt the adult caregiving stress

870
00:31:07,964 --> 00:31:10,224
on a different level. Yeah. When the youngest

871
00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:10,785
was

872
00:31:11,484 --> 00:31:14,865
mentally, physically the sickest he's ever been. Mhmm.

873
00:31:15,164 --> 00:31:17,724
Actually, I had conversations with his therapist where

874
00:31:17,724 --> 00:31:19,984
I kind of said and then she validated,

875
00:31:20,605 --> 00:31:23,369
I was traumatized by that. Now, he was

876
00:31:23,369 --> 00:31:25,130
traumatized by that. I'm not gonna take that

877
00:31:25,130 --> 00:31:27,529
away. But the level of stress for that,

878
00:31:27,529 --> 00:31:29,690
that is a different level of stress where

879
00:31:29,850 --> 00:31:31,150
Yeah. Sometimes

880
00:31:31,529 --> 00:31:33,049
the answer would be, god, can I just

881
00:31:33,049 --> 00:31:34,570
feel my baby girl self? Can I feel

882
00:31:34,570 --> 00:31:37,125
very submissive and taken care of? And sometimes

883
00:31:37,184 --> 00:31:39,585
that was not the answer. That was not

884
00:31:39,585 --> 00:31:40,484
what we needed.

885
00:31:41,585 --> 00:31:42,404
Power exchange

886
00:31:42,785 --> 00:31:43,525
did not

887
00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:45,444
provide

888
00:31:46,224 --> 00:31:49,940
the relief sometimes because the stress was just

889
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:52,899
too big. The fear was just too

890
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:56,399
great. The feeling out of control and like,

891
00:31:56,399 --> 00:31:57,839
you don't know what's gonna happen and you

892
00:31:57,839 --> 00:31:59,519
don't control any of it and you just

893
00:31:59,519 --> 00:32:01,139
gotta fucking roll with it.

894
00:32:02,345 --> 00:32:04,744
While also being a very anxious human being,

895
00:32:04,744 --> 00:32:06,125
like, there were times.

896
00:32:07,545 --> 00:32:09,404
JB could not daddy me out.

897
00:32:10,265 --> 00:32:10,765
No.

898
00:32:11,625 --> 00:32:15,210
Now from the stress perspective Mhmm. Adult caregiving,

899
00:32:15,509 --> 00:32:17,429
what what was that like with power exchange?

900
00:32:17,429 --> 00:32:19,429
I was like, how does that all from

901
00:32:19,429 --> 00:32:20,169
your perspective?

902
00:32:21,750 --> 00:32:22,490
You know,

903
00:32:27,535 --> 00:32:28,914
I wish I could say

904
00:32:29,535 --> 00:32:31,375
it's it's cut and dry and it's, you

905
00:32:31,375 --> 00:32:33,055
know, this is gonna happen. That's what it's

906
00:32:33,055 --> 00:32:34,835
gonna be like. And it's not.

907
00:32:35,455 --> 00:32:36,195
Mhmm. Because,

908
00:32:39,055 --> 00:32:41,555
you know, caregiving for my sister,

909
00:32:43,349 --> 00:32:45,849
caregiving for my mom, two very different,

910
00:32:46,150 --> 00:32:47,210
very, very different

911
00:32:47,670 --> 00:32:48,170
experiences.

912
00:32:48,710 --> 00:32:51,190
Polar opposites almost, really, if you think about

913
00:32:51,190 --> 00:32:51,690
it.

914
00:32:54,549 --> 00:32:56,490
What did that do for the stress level?

915
00:32:59,695 --> 00:33:01,535
From my side, what I wanted to do

916
00:33:01,535 --> 00:33:03,695
was to make sure that you didn't it

917
00:33:03,695 --> 00:33:04,974
goes back to the mental load. I wanted

918
00:33:04,974 --> 00:33:06,734
to make other parts of your life as

919
00:33:06,734 --> 00:33:09,535
stress free as possible Yeah. So that you

920
00:33:09,535 --> 00:33:12,119
could function in the stress. Mhmm.

921
00:33:13,299 --> 00:33:16,039
The first time you ever said to me,

922
00:33:16,819 --> 00:33:18,899
I cannot be the decision maker right now.

923
00:33:18,899 --> 00:33:20,819
I cannot dom right now. Do not ask

924
00:33:20,819 --> 00:33:21,559
me anything.

925
00:33:22,099 --> 00:33:23,779
Was at it was in the middle of

926
00:33:23,779 --> 00:33:24,704
taking care of your

927
00:33:25,345 --> 00:33:27,024
It had been a bad day. There was

928
00:33:27,024 --> 00:33:30,244
a lot of family angst. That was unnecessary.

929
00:33:30,784 --> 00:33:32,724
Right. But it was there. It was there.

930
00:33:33,345 --> 00:33:35,345
And I asked what you wanted to drink

931
00:33:35,345 --> 00:33:38,179
with your dinner, and he went, nope. I

932
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,359
cannot make a decision. I could not even

933
00:33:40,359 --> 00:33:41,960
decide on what I wanted to drink at

934
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,200
that point. No. Yeah. No. And we got

935
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:45,339
better over time

936
00:33:45,799 --> 00:33:48,200
in stressful situations in general, not specific to

937
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:50,214
this. Have we done the episode on stress?

938
00:33:50,214 --> 00:33:51,194
I'm sure we have.

939
00:33:52,054 --> 00:33:54,154
Silent will tell me in the live chat.

940
00:33:55,575 --> 00:33:57,255
We've gotten better at having kind of a

941
00:33:57,255 --> 00:33:57,755
code

942
00:33:58,214 --> 00:34:00,454
where Mhmm. And sometimes just outright saying it,

943
00:34:00,454 --> 00:34:02,694
but we're better at saying this is too

944
00:34:02,694 --> 00:34:03,194
much

945
00:34:03,494 --> 00:34:04,554
for me to also

946
00:34:05,950 --> 00:34:07,630
be in this role. This is too much

947
00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:09,309
for me to to also be a decision

948
00:34:09,309 --> 00:34:11,309
maker. This is too much for me to

949
00:34:11,309 --> 00:34:13,550
get up and and Yeah. Serve. Like, I

950
00:34:13,550 --> 00:34:15,469
I just I need to be alone. I

951
00:34:15,469 --> 00:34:16,750
need to not be touched. I need to

952
00:34:16,750 --> 00:34:18,190
sit in a dark room. I I need

953
00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:19,010
something. But

954
00:34:19,635 --> 00:34:22,114
to continue doing the things that are part

955
00:34:22,114 --> 00:34:22,614
of

956
00:34:22,914 --> 00:34:25,554
my submissive role, I can't I don't have

957
00:34:25,554 --> 00:34:26,375
it in me.

958
00:34:26,835 --> 00:34:27,494
It is

959
00:34:27,954 --> 00:34:30,054
not easy to admit that

960
00:34:30,994 --> 00:34:32,775
from either side of the slash, y'all.

961
00:34:33,329 --> 00:34:34,869
It's a vulnerability thing.

962
00:34:35,170 --> 00:34:36,930
I know from my perspective, and I think

963
00:34:36,930 --> 00:34:37,829
probably yours,

964
00:34:38,530 --> 00:34:41,010
if I'm have read it correctly, it feels

965
00:34:41,010 --> 00:34:42,849
like you're letting the other one down. Right?

966
00:34:42,849 --> 00:34:44,369
Like I said, I was gonna be this

967
00:34:44,369 --> 00:34:46,674
person to you. This is our relationship. And

968
00:34:46,674 --> 00:34:48,434
I'm over here telling you that I don't

969
00:34:48,514 --> 00:34:50,355
I'm at my capacity. The stress is too

970
00:34:50,355 --> 00:34:53,394
great. There's too much. It's too much today

971
00:34:53,394 --> 00:34:56,194
or in general, you know? There were times

972
00:34:56,194 --> 00:34:58,114
with your sister and your mom where some

973
00:34:58,114 --> 00:35:00,219
days were easier than others. Right. And so

974
00:35:00,219 --> 00:35:02,140
the stress levels there was stress that's always

975
00:35:02,140 --> 00:35:04,140
there, you know. If you're caregiving for an

976
00:35:04,140 --> 00:35:06,140
adult who is ill, the stress is always

977
00:35:06,140 --> 00:35:06,640
there.

978
00:35:07,099 --> 00:35:08,800
But the day you know, once you

979
00:35:09,099 --> 00:35:10,480
got used to the spikes,

980
00:35:11,019 --> 00:35:12,699
it made the days where there's no stress

981
00:35:12,699 --> 00:35:13,445
spike feel

982
00:35:13,905 --> 00:35:15,045
easier. Yeah.

983
00:35:15,425 --> 00:35:16,965
I could ask you to make a decision.

984
00:35:17,184 --> 00:35:19,105
That is also I think where we got

985
00:35:19,105 --> 00:35:21,364
really good at because you trusted me.

986
00:35:21,664 --> 00:35:23,445
I could pick your options

987
00:35:24,224 --> 00:35:26,085
and so then you weren't making a decision

988
00:35:26,144 --> 00:35:28,480
from out of nothing. From scratch. I was

989
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,159
just bringing you, hey, all of these options

990
00:35:30,159 --> 00:35:30,900
will work.

991
00:35:31,199 --> 00:35:32,239
Which one do you want? Which one do

992
00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:33,059
you want? And

993
00:35:33,359 --> 00:35:35,460
when you could make decisions that,

994
00:35:35,839 --> 00:35:37,940
you know Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah.

995
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:39,539
So for us

996
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:40,500
to

997
00:35:40,905 --> 00:35:42,204
maybe have it be relatable

998
00:35:42,505 --> 00:35:43,804
to anybody else out there,

999
00:35:44,105 --> 00:35:46,265
we looked at, you know, we got better

1000
00:35:46,265 --> 00:35:46,844
at communicating.

1001
00:35:47,224 --> 00:35:48,744
We had to get real good with being

1002
00:35:48,744 --> 00:35:49,485
real vulnerable.

1003
00:35:49,864 --> 00:35:51,785
There, you know, I don't know if anybody

1004
00:35:51,785 --> 00:35:53,405
else feels this way, but to me,

1005
00:35:54,025 --> 00:35:56,760
the vulnerability of telling you that I can't

1006
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:58,199
do the thing I said I would do,

1007
00:35:58,199 --> 00:35:59,559
I can't be who I said I would

1008
00:35:59,559 --> 00:36:02,059
be temporarily or for a long time,

1009
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,079
versus the vulnerable is is harder to me

1010
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:06,840
than the vulnerability of going, hey. Can you

1011
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,780
hit me with that thing until I cry

1012
00:36:09,234 --> 00:36:10,994
and pretend you don't like me? Like, that's

1013
00:36:11,155 --> 00:36:12,214
it's all vulnerability.

1014
00:36:12,594 --> 00:36:13,494
Got that episode

1015
00:36:13,795 --> 00:36:16,034
too. But that because it feels like you're

1016
00:36:16,034 --> 00:36:17,655
letting the other person down

1017
00:36:18,034 --> 00:36:19,635
when you have to be that vulnerable. Go,

1018
00:36:19,635 --> 00:36:21,074
I can't do this the way that we've

1019
00:36:21,074 --> 00:36:22,880
been doing this. But I

1020
00:36:23,260 --> 00:36:25,339
think that's the most fucking honest conversation you

1021
00:36:25,339 --> 00:36:27,679
can have. Right. Because it allows you,

1022
00:36:27,980 --> 00:36:30,460
like, as a parent now I'm I'm very

1023
00:36:30,460 --> 00:36:32,219
grateful. I did not have to try to

1024
00:36:32,219 --> 00:36:35,819
be power exchange with infants. With the youngest

1025
00:36:35,819 --> 00:36:37,904
was as close to colicky. They wouldn't

1026
00:36:38,284 --> 00:36:39,904
diagnose, but that was colic.

1027
00:36:42,764 --> 00:36:45,424
The my first marriage did not even survive

1028
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:48,204
being a parent to two. Like, I don't

1029
00:36:48,204 --> 00:36:50,224
know what power exchange would happen.

1030
00:36:52,700 --> 00:36:53,440
It means

1031
00:36:53,740 --> 00:36:55,660
the the no child power exchange and the

1032
00:36:55,660 --> 00:36:57,820
child having a child power exchange are completely

1033
00:36:57,820 --> 00:36:58,640
different animals.

1034
00:36:59,180 --> 00:37:00,800
And you gotta, you know,

1035
00:37:01,099 --> 00:37:02,400
have realistic expectations

1036
00:37:03,019 --> 00:37:05,019
that, hey, the thing we thought would work

1037
00:37:05,019 --> 00:37:07,280
because, oh, aren't babies easy?

1038
00:37:07,944 --> 00:37:09,244
Not for most of us.

1039
00:37:10,264 --> 00:37:12,424
You know, we're we can't do. There's there's

1040
00:37:12,424 --> 00:37:14,824
too much. It's it's too much. You know?

1041
00:37:14,824 --> 00:37:16,105
But you gotta be willing to have those

1042
00:37:16,105 --> 00:37:18,424
conversations. True. And I think, to me, the

1043
00:37:18,424 --> 00:37:19,244
real letdown

1044
00:37:19,625 --> 00:37:21,625
of your partner is not in not being

1045
00:37:21,625 --> 00:37:22,525
able to do

1046
00:37:23,019 --> 00:37:24,380
what you said you would do within your

1047
00:37:24,380 --> 00:37:26,700
role in your power exchange. It's not having

1048
00:37:26,700 --> 00:37:27,440
the conversation.

1049
00:37:28,300 --> 00:37:30,539
Yeah. Because two things are happening there. You

1050
00:37:30,539 --> 00:37:31,280
are drowning

1051
00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:33,660
and they are having expectations of you that

1052
00:37:33,660 --> 00:37:35,514
you can't meet. Hold up to him. Hold

1053
00:37:35,514 --> 00:37:37,755
up. Right. And so now there's the, what

1054
00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:39,355
the hell's going on with our relationship? You

1055
00:37:39,355 --> 00:37:40,394
said you would do a thing and now

1056
00:37:40,394 --> 00:37:41,914
now you just added stress on top of

1057
00:37:41,914 --> 00:37:42,414
stress.

1058
00:37:43,675 --> 00:37:45,675
You know? The reason there are so many

1059
00:37:45,675 --> 00:37:47,534
reasons we say kink is customizable.

1060
00:37:48,315 --> 00:37:50,800
Yeah. So many. I'm I'm I'm sure I

1061
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,559
heard that somewhere and picked it up and

1062
00:37:52,559 --> 00:37:54,079
just fucking loved it and now now I'm

1063
00:37:54,079 --> 00:37:55,219
saying it all the time.

1064
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,079
It's because it's also customizable at every stage

1065
00:37:58,079 --> 00:37:58,900
of your life.

1066
00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,920
If you try to hold on to the

1067
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:03,539
power exchange you had

1068
00:38:03,885 --> 00:38:06,364
when you were not caring for an elderly

1069
00:38:06,364 --> 00:38:07,985
family member, when you were not

1070
00:38:08,525 --> 00:38:10,765
raising an infant, if you try to hold

1071
00:38:10,765 --> 00:38:11,905
on to that pre

1072
00:38:12,204 --> 00:38:15,085
this moment, this caregiving moment, power exchange, you

1073
00:38:15,085 --> 00:38:16,864
are setting yourself up for failure.

1074
00:38:17,750 --> 00:38:19,829
You just because it's gotta shift and change.

1075
00:38:19,829 --> 00:38:21,269
Even if that shift and change isn't that

1076
00:38:21,269 --> 00:38:23,349
much, there's gonna be a shift and change.

1077
00:38:23,349 --> 00:38:25,429
Mhmm. So you get to customize your power

1078
00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:27,210
exchange through every stage

1079
00:38:27,510 --> 00:38:28,693
of your life. Yeah. And you kinda have

1080
00:38:28,693 --> 00:38:29,954
to. And you kinda have to. And you

1081
00:38:29,954 --> 00:38:31,655
have to. You have to.

1082
00:38:32,195 --> 00:38:34,355
Because you don't, you know, we we've talked

1083
00:38:34,355 --> 00:38:35,095
about this

1084
00:38:37,155 --> 00:38:38,055
so many times.

1085
00:38:38,675 --> 00:38:39,335
You know,

1086
00:38:40,275 --> 00:38:40,755
it

1087
00:38:41,075 --> 00:38:42,914
DS or anything in life is not one

1088
00:38:42,914 --> 00:38:44,699
and done. You don't say, okay, this is

1089
00:38:44,699 --> 00:38:46,380
how we're gonna live our life and and

1090
00:38:46,380 --> 00:38:47,739
then you know la dee dee dee now.

1091
00:38:47,739 --> 00:38:49,259
We never think about it again. Yeah. Yeah.

1092
00:38:49,339 --> 00:38:51,280
About it again. You know, no.

1093
00:38:51,820 --> 00:38:53,820
It it it changes and you have to

1094
00:38:53,820 --> 00:38:56,320
change and flow with it. You you cannot

1095
00:38:57,019 --> 00:38:57,519
cannot

1096
00:38:58,454 --> 00:39:00,855
remain rigid Mhmm. And say, this is, you

1097
00:39:00,855 --> 00:39:02,775
know, this is it. No. You cannot do

1098
00:39:02,775 --> 00:39:04,614
that. I'm not saying change the change will

1099
00:39:04,614 --> 00:39:06,375
be shift will be easy. For some people,

1100
00:39:06,375 --> 00:39:09,655
that's that's really hard. Okay? To to just

1101
00:39:09,655 --> 00:39:11,575
chain to have to change a routine or

1102
00:39:11,575 --> 00:39:13,219
change a way of thinking. For others, it's

1103
00:39:13,219 --> 00:39:15,299
easier. Great. The thing is, is when you

1104
00:39:15,299 --> 00:39:17,079
are at a high stress point in life,

1105
00:39:18,260 --> 00:39:21,059
small children, teenage children who were driving, that

1106
00:39:21,059 --> 00:39:23,400
was a stress I was not prepared for.

1107
00:39:24,339 --> 00:39:25,960
Family members. Right? Whatever.

1108
00:39:27,204 --> 00:39:29,784
If you cannot shift your power exchange to

1109
00:39:31,204 --> 00:39:33,364
be what you need in the moment, you

1110
00:39:33,364 --> 00:39:35,364
have just it's stress compounding on top of

1111
00:39:35,364 --> 00:39:37,125
stress. You're just layering it. Well, why are

1112
00:39:37,125 --> 00:39:38,505
you gonna do that to yourself?

1113
00:39:38,909 --> 00:39:39,569
You know,

1114
00:39:40,030 --> 00:39:42,589
I'm I'm I'm gonna try and and and

1115
00:39:42,589 --> 00:39:43,489
relate this,

1116
00:39:44,510 --> 00:39:45,949
and maybe you can help me along the

1117
00:39:45,949 --> 00:39:48,130
way if I get, you know, start stumbling.

1118
00:39:49,949 --> 00:39:52,130
One of the best things I ever heard

1119
00:39:53,150 --> 00:39:53,650
was

1120
00:39:54,885 --> 00:39:55,385
a

1121
00:39:55,844 --> 00:39:57,385
thing where they're talking about, you know,

1122
00:39:57,925 --> 00:40:00,085
people would say, you know, oh, I'm giving

1123
00:40:00,085 --> 00:40:00,985
a %

1124
00:40:01,125 --> 00:40:03,465
in relationship, and you gotta give a %

1125
00:40:03,605 --> 00:40:05,684
and all that. And and that is so

1126
00:40:05,684 --> 00:40:06,425
not true.

1127
00:40:07,119 --> 00:40:09,619
Okay? Because on any given day,

1128
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,800
you know, hell, maybe today I'm running at

1129
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:13,699
a %.

1130
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:14,260
Mhmm.

1131
00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:15,219
Tomorrow,

1132
00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:18,000
I, you know, would be at 75.

1133
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:19,780
Right. You know? And

1134
00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:22,795
we

1135
00:40:23,574 --> 00:40:25,194
in in any relationship,

1136
00:40:25,894 --> 00:40:27,034
you need to be able

1137
00:40:27,335 --> 00:40:27,835
to

1138
00:40:28,454 --> 00:40:30,474
work back and forth with each other.

1139
00:40:31,014 --> 00:40:33,414
You know, when when one is feeling down,

1140
00:40:33,414 --> 00:40:35,175
you you you help you throw in that

1141
00:40:35,175 --> 00:40:37,159
extra percent to help that one. When you,

1142
00:40:37,159 --> 00:40:39,239
you know, and and it it's back and

1143
00:40:39,239 --> 00:40:41,960
forth. I I agree completely. The analogy I

1144
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:43,480
like is not that you give a hundred,

1145
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:45,319
I give a hundred, is that together we

1146
00:40:45,319 --> 00:40:47,480
give a hundred. Yes. I like that one

1147
00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:49,400
a lot because what it means is if

1148
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,534
you're having a real rough day and all

1149
00:40:51,534 --> 00:40:52,355
you got is

1150
00:40:52,735 --> 00:40:54,175
20, if you can talk about it with

1151
00:40:54,175 --> 00:40:54,835
your partner,

1152
00:40:55,135 --> 00:40:57,375
they might not have the full 80. But

1153
00:40:57,375 --> 00:40:59,135
maybe they're in a better place and they

1154
00:40:59,135 --> 00:41:01,375
can give 60 or they were only given

1155
00:41:01,375 --> 00:41:03,695
50 before. Right? The other thing I like

1156
00:41:03,695 --> 00:41:05,454
and I think it gets forgotten. It's it

1157
00:41:05,534 --> 00:41:08,279
it's because even the % and the fifty

1158
00:41:08,279 --> 00:41:10,299
fifty Mhmm. Can be ableist.

1159
00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:12,920
So the thing I I like that I've

1160
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:13,659
heard from

1161
00:41:14,039 --> 00:41:15,179
a lot of creators,

1162
00:41:16,119 --> 00:41:18,920
over the years is that if the best

1163
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:19,420
you

1164
00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:20,219
have

1165
00:41:20,574 --> 00:41:22,974
is 20%, that's them. That's all you gave

1166
00:41:22,974 --> 00:41:24,894
everything you had. Guess what? You gave a

1167
00:41:24,894 --> 00:41:25,695
%.

1168
00:41:25,695 --> 00:41:28,515
Yeah. You did the best you could. Mhmm.

1169
00:41:28,655 --> 00:41:30,974
Now for those of us who think like

1170
00:41:30,974 --> 00:41:32,815
my brain does and I keep being told

1171
00:41:32,815 --> 00:41:34,679
it's a neurodivergent thing, so you can tell

1172
00:41:34,679 --> 00:41:35,179
me.

1173
00:41:36,839 --> 00:41:38,219
For us literal thinkers,

1174
00:41:38,519 --> 00:41:39,339
your best

1175
00:41:40,119 --> 00:41:41,579
is apparently not

1176
00:41:42,199 --> 00:41:44,440
the best you were ever capable of doing

1177
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,480
ever. Giving your best is what you have

1178
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:48,139
to give

1179
00:41:48,934 --> 00:41:49,434
without

1180
00:41:49,894 --> 00:41:52,855
burning yourself out in a given moment. I

1181
00:41:52,855 --> 00:41:54,855
didn't know that. I was raised you give

1182
00:41:54,855 --> 00:41:55,894
a 10

1183
00:41:55,894 --> 00:41:57,114
and I was like, I,

1184
00:41:58,775 --> 00:42:01,029
living on fumes, but I will dig deep

1185
00:42:01,029 --> 00:42:01,929
and find

1186
00:42:02,549 --> 00:42:05,049
what I think is a 10%.

1187
00:42:06,150 --> 00:42:06,650
No.

1188
00:42:08,309 --> 00:42:10,630
Also though, in that giving and that whether

1189
00:42:10,630 --> 00:42:12,869
it's hundred and hundred, 50 50, however you

1190
00:42:12,869 --> 00:42:14,010
wanna label it,

1191
00:42:15,045 --> 00:42:18,565
Sometimes, let's be real, especially caregiving, especially caring

1192
00:42:18,565 --> 00:42:20,164
for other human beings who have their own

1193
00:42:20,164 --> 00:42:21,625
feelings and needs and

1194
00:42:24,804 --> 00:42:27,045
right? Some days, you don't have anything to

1195
00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:29,610
fucking give. And guess what? Neither does your

1196
00:42:29,690 --> 00:42:30,190
partner.

1197
00:42:30,650 --> 00:42:33,070
And and now this segues into exhaustion.

1198
00:42:33,369 --> 00:42:33,869
Yeah.

1199
00:42:34,570 --> 00:42:36,090
That's the third one of those. We did

1200
00:42:36,090 --> 00:42:37,710
no time stress. Now we're at exhaustion.

1201
00:42:40,650 --> 00:42:43,450
I don't have like here's three easy tricks.

1202
00:42:43,450 --> 00:42:44,010
Right? Like,

1203
00:42:45,554 --> 00:42:48,034
What I have found is when we if

1204
00:42:48,034 --> 00:42:49,655
we can keep our sense of humor

1205
00:42:50,114 --> 00:42:52,355
from the stress to the exhaustion and admit

1206
00:42:52,355 --> 00:42:53,795
to one another, oh my god, I don't

1207
00:42:53,795 --> 00:42:55,394
have anything in the tank. And Jamie goes,

1208
00:42:55,394 --> 00:42:58,214
fuck me neither. And so then, we're openly

1209
00:42:58,275 --> 00:43:00,514
talking about how we are lumps on this

1210
00:43:00,514 --> 00:43:02,329
couch right now. And, yes, there's all these

1211
00:43:02,329 --> 00:43:03,929
things around our home that need to be

1212
00:43:03,929 --> 00:43:06,650
done. Yes. There's our whole power exchange routine

1213
00:43:06,650 --> 00:43:07,309
that we

1214
00:43:07,610 --> 00:43:08,110
barely

1215
00:43:08,410 --> 00:43:10,590
have energy for. You know?

1216
00:43:11,369 --> 00:43:11,869
Yes.

1217
00:43:13,210 --> 00:43:16,144
We made sure the small human survived the

1218
00:43:16,144 --> 00:43:18,065
day and went to bed. Check that off

1219
00:43:18,065 --> 00:43:20,065
the fucking list. That's what we got done.

1220
00:43:20,065 --> 00:43:21,505
We don't have anything left us. You know

1221
00:43:21,505 --> 00:43:22,005
what?

1222
00:43:22,625 --> 00:43:24,065
You we did a damn good job. We

1223
00:43:24,065 --> 00:43:26,005
kept small humans alive today.

1224
00:43:26,304 --> 00:43:26,804
Mhmm.

1225
00:43:27,824 --> 00:43:30,780
Is the house filthy? Sure. Sure. Is there

1226
00:43:30,780 --> 00:43:33,099
work still to be left? Sure. Sure. You

1227
00:43:33,099 --> 00:43:35,260
know, and and We are open and talk

1228
00:43:35,260 --> 00:43:37,119
about it and go, god, I'm fucking tired.

1229
00:43:37,260 --> 00:43:39,280
And then it's not this dirty little secret.

1230
00:43:39,340 --> 00:43:42,300
Right. And and also what what comes of

1231
00:43:42,300 --> 00:43:44,619
that, because we fell into that trap too,

1232
00:43:44,619 --> 00:43:45,764
at least I know I did.

1233
00:43:47,204 --> 00:43:49,304
You know, you you don't tell your partner

1234
00:43:50,164 --> 00:43:52,264
that you're exhausted or you know,

1235
00:43:52,885 --> 00:43:53,385
and

1236
00:43:54,164 --> 00:43:56,484
you you like you know I gotta do

1237
00:43:56,484 --> 00:43:58,565
what I gotta do. Mhmm. Kind of thing

1238
00:43:58,565 --> 00:43:59,190
you know,

1239
00:43:59,670 --> 00:44:01,449
and and you try to push through,

1240
00:44:02,869 --> 00:44:04,949
it it it's not a it's not a

1241
00:44:04,949 --> 00:44:06,809
good thing. It can build resentment.

1242
00:44:07,269 --> 00:44:10,010
Mhmm. You know, it can make the exhaustion

1243
00:44:11,030 --> 00:44:11,849
feel worse.

1244
00:44:13,184 --> 00:44:15,224
Mhmm. You know? It makes everything feel worse.

1245
00:44:15,224 --> 00:44:17,344
It makes everything feel worse. And then then

1246
00:44:17,344 --> 00:44:19,664
comes the point where, you know, then start

1247
00:44:19,664 --> 00:44:20,164
getting

1248
00:44:20,625 --> 00:44:22,005
snippy with one another.

1249
00:44:22,864 --> 00:44:23,844
Yeah. Yeah.

1250
00:44:24,305 --> 00:44:26,644
You know? And and and just by

1251
00:44:27,539 --> 00:44:29,480
that that that little bit of thing

1252
00:44:29,780 --> 00:44:30,280
saying,

1253
00:44:33,219 --> 00:44:35,960
excuse me folks. Somebody had a bubble. Yeah.

1254
00:44:38,660 --> 00:44:41,140
You know just by by sitting there and

1255
00:44:41,140 --> 00:44:42,414
saying, you know,

1256
00:44:42,954 --> 00:44:44,715
I I just don't have it today. I

1257
00:44:44,715 --> 00:44:45,295
I don't

1258
00:44:45,594 --> 00:44:47,135
have it in me. Okay.

1259
00:44:47,594 --> 00:44:48,094
That

1260
00:44:49,355 --> 00:44:50,734
kiboshes so much.

1261
00:44:51,275 --> 00:44:53,034
And it keeps the lines of communication open.

1262
00:44:53,034 --> 00:44:54,554
Yes. Now I'm I'm gonna be real with

1263
00:44:54,554 --> 00:44:56,074
you. There are days I got the energy

1264
00:44:56,074 --> 00:44:58,109
and JB doesn't. And JB's tired and he

1265
00:44:58,109 --> 00:44:59,549
goes, I don't have it in me. Do

1266
00:44:59,549 --> 00:45:02,269
I feel disappointed? Am I you know, my

1267
00:45:02,269 --> 00:45:04,670
my baby girl feel are they a little

1268
00:45:04,670 --> 00:45:08,130
sad? Sure. That is a human natural response.

1269
00:45:08,190 --> 00:45:09,010
It's fine.

1270
00:45:09,389 --> 00:45:11,765
What I don't do is take my bad

1271
00:45:11,765 --> 00:45:14,025
feelings out on him. He clearly

1272
00:45:14,325 --> 00:45:16,265
communicated where he was at.

1273
00:45:16,965 --> 00:45:19,204
I can say if it feels appropriate at

1274
00:45:19,204 --> 00:45:20,885
the time, maybe I save it for later.

1275
00:45:20,885 --> 00:45:23,144
Aw, that kinda sucks. That makes me sad.

1276
00:45:23,450 --> 00:45:24,650
Not in the way to pressure them and

1277
00:45:24,650 --> 00:45:26,170
guilt them, but just to kinda like have

1278
00:45:26,170 --> 00:45:27,869
the conversation. And then you know what?

1279
00:45:28,410 --> 00:45:30,650
The earth keeps fucking spinning and we keep

1280
00:45:30,650 --> 00:45:32,829
moving on because that might be today.

1281
00:45:33,769 --> 00:45:36,410
Tomorrow might be different. Right? Or maybe you

1282
00:45:36,410 --> 00:45:38,650
know, like, in a parenting situation, maybe you

1283
00:45:38,650 --> 00:45:41,025
can see a a point in the future

1284
00:45:41,025 --> 00:45:43,045
where where somebody, not you,

1285
00:45:43,425 --> 00:45:45,824
is caring for these fucking children. And you,

1286
00:45:45,824 --> 00:45:47,664
whether it's in your own house or somewhere

1287
00:45:47,664 --> 00:45:48,164
else,

1288
00:45:48,625 --> 00:45:50,144
get to pretend you're child free for, like,

1289
00:45:50,144 --> 00:45:51,505
half a second. And you know that you

1290
00:45:51,505 --> 00:45:52,405
have that coming.

1291
00:45:53,344 --> 00:45:55,329
Well, I can be disappointed now, but I

1292
00:45:55,329 --> 00:45:56,949
know I got this thing coming. Or,

1293
00:45:57,489 --> 00:45:59,730
you know, we've created enough of a routine

1294
00:45:59,730 --> 00:46:02,210
or when we are not both exhausted or

1295
00:46:02,210 --> 00:46:03,650
either one of us is not exhausted, we'll

1296
00:46:03,650 --> 00:46:05,409
have this thing that we'll do behind closed

1297
00:46:05,409 --> 00:46:07,889
doors. Exhaustion and stress goes back to that

1298
00:46:07,889 --> 00:46:09,109
small points of connection.

1299
00:46:09,785 --> 00:46:12,445
Yeah. The those become very, very, very important.

1300
00:46:12,905 --> 00:46:14,505
Let me say again because I say it

1301
00:46:14,505 --> 00:46:16,505
all the fucking time. Our bedtime routine is

1302
00:46:16,505 --> 00:46:18,425
it. Now, am I making coffee for this

1303
00:46:18,425 --> 00:46:19,785
man every fucking day because it's part of

1304
00:46:19,785 --> 00:46:22,019
my service? Sure. Am I making sure he's

1305
00:46:22,019 --> 00:46:24,199
got his probiotic as part of my service?

1306
00:46:24,340 --> 00:46:26,420
Yep. Yeah. Do I make the bed? Do

1307
00:46:26,420 --> 00:46:28,260
I unmake the bed? Yeah. Yeah. I got

1308
00:46:28,260 --> 00:46:30,739
my service stuff, like, doled out. Do I

1309
00:46:30,739 --> 00:46:32,980
always speak to him with respect because that's

1310
00:46:32,980 --> 00:46:35,434
the one constant rule? Abs fucking lily. Do

1311
00:46:35,434 --> 00:46:37,375
I still bring him decisions to make it?

1312
00:46:37,434 --> 00:46:39,434
But on days where he's like, I don't

1313
00:46:39,434 --> 00:46:41,355
want a coffee or I can't make decisions

1314
00:46:41,355 --> 00:46:42,494
today or whatever,

1315
00:46:44,074 --> 00:46:45,614
that bedtime routine,

1316
00:46:45,994 --> 00:46:46,894
there has been

1317
00:46:47,835 --> 00:46:48,210
one,

1318
00:46:48,769 --> 00:46:51,010
maybe two nights where we were both physically

1319
00:46:51,010 --> 00:46:52,449
in the room and did not really do

1320
00:46:52,449 --> 00:46:54,710
it. And it was some of our biggest

1321
00:46:55,329 --> 00:46:55,829
fucking

1322
00:46:56,609 --> 00:46:59,750
fights. Yeah. We don't fight often. We don't.

1323
00:47:01,164 --> 00:47:03,424
Stress and exhaustion, that's when

1324
00:47:03,964 --> 00:47:07,164
the biggest arguments come through. And thankfully, we

1325
00:47:07,164 --> 00:47:09,724
work through them. We Yeah. You know, we

1326
00:47:09,724 --> 00:47:12,125
make our apologies to one another. Mhmm. We

1327
00:47:12,125 --> 00:47:14,679
talk about what actually happened. We, you know,

1328
00:47:14,679 --> 00:47:15,880
try to figure out how we can do

1329
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:16,780
better next time.

1330
00:47:18,039 --> 00:47:20,599
But, yeah. In general, that one time of

1331
00:47:20,599 --> 00:47:22,359
day and, like, our one time of day

1332
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:24,599
I'm not saying have a bedtime routine. Our

1333
00:47:24,599 --> 00:47:26,760
one time of day that's guaranteed because we

1334
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,300
go to bed at the same time. Mhmm.

1335
00:47:28,519 --> 00:47:31,285
Bedtime. Yep. Your one time a day might

1336
00:47:31,285 --> 00:47:34,005
be the five minutes before that first child

1337
00:47:34,005 --> 00:47:36,324
starts crying and and needs your attention. It

1338
00:47:36,324 --> 00:47:38,585
might be while your adult

1339
00:47:38,885 --> 00:47:40,985
that you're caregiving for is taking a nap

1340
00:47:41,285 --> 00:47:43,765
or is, you know Yeah. With another adult

1341
00:47:43,765 --> 00:47:45,079
that you can trust, and you don't even

1342
00:47:45,079 --> 00:47:46,280
have to think about them for the like,

1343
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,960
you're one point in the day. You've got

1344
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:49,160
to find it. You might have to get

1345
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:49,660
creative,

1346
00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:52,940
but find that point where you can connect

1347
00:47:53,079 --> 00:47:54,920
in your powertrain. That's just like, you know,

1348
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,099
with with with our youngest, even though,

1349
00:47:57,640 --> 00:47:59,739
you know, he's home all the time.

1350
00:48:01,985 --> 00:48:03,204
You know, when we

1351
00:48:04,065 --> 00:48:04,965
go to bed,

1352
00:48:06,144 --> 00:48:08,465
he, at that point, you know, we're old.

1353
00:48:08,465 --> 00:48:10,305
We we go to bed fairly early, not

1354
00:48:10,305 --> 00:48:11,845
that late. And he's

1355
00:48:12,945 --> 00:48:15,839
entrenched in his video games. He don't hear

1356
00:48:15,839 --> 00:48:18,319
shit from them. He's got his headphones on.

1357
00:48:18,319 --> 00:48:21,039
He's he's chatting Doors closed. Doors closed. He's

1358
00:48:21,039 --> 00:48:23,359
chatting with his friends while they're doing their,

1359
00:48:23,359 --> 00:48:26,445
you know, quests and different things. And yeah,

1360
00:48:26,445 --> 00:48:28,605
he don't hear shit. And we have learned

1361
00:48:28,605 --> 00:48:30,204
to take advantage of that. Right. Did it

1362
00:48:30,204 --> 00:48:31,485
take us a hot minute to get to

1363
00:48:31,485 --> 00:48:33,405
that point? Of course, it did. But it

1364
00:48:33,405 --> 00:48:35,164
it was like when when it hit, it

1365
00:48:35,164 --> 00:48:36,385
was like, oof,

1366
00:48:36,684 --> 00:48:37,505
light bulb.

1367
00:48:37,805 --> 00:48:39,184
Yes. Mhmm. Yes.

1368
00:48:41,130 --> 00:48:42,349
Little to no privacy.

1369
00:48:43,289 --> 00:48:45,529
Now this is different for everybody. We have

1370
00:48:45,529 --> 00:48:46,829
had as parents,

1371
00:48:47,289 --> 00:48:50,010
we've been fortunate as adult caregivers. Mhmm. Our

1372
00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:52,190
adults never lived in our home. No. So

1373
00:48:52,650 --> 00:48:53,655
that is not a thing that we have

1374
00:48:53,655 --> 00:48:56,135
faced, but we have we've had children all

1375
00:48:56,135 --> 00:48:57,114
this time. So,

1376
00:48:58,695 --> 00:49:01,114
the first place we live, they were

1377
00:49:01,414 --> 00:49:03,335
technically kind of on the opposite end of,

1378
00:49:03,335 --> 00:49:05,735
like, a hallway from us. Mhmm. But the

1379
00:49:05,735 --> 00:49:07,414
walls were thin, but they were young. And

1380
00:49:07,414 --> 00:49:08,940
that wasn't an age where they could go,

1381
00:49:08,940 --> 00:49:10,780
what was that sound, mommy? And I could

1382
00:49:10,780 --> 00:49:12,940
be like, oh, we were just clapping because

1383
00:49:12,940 --> 00:49:14,000
we were so happy.

1384
00:49:16,059 --> 00:49:18,139
I could distract them and they it would

1385
00:49:18,139 --> 00:49:18,800
be fun.

1386
00:49:19,579 --> 00:49:20,320
I also

1387
00:49:21,099 --> 00:49:22,639
as quickly as I could,

1388
00:49:23,065 --> 00:49:23,885
it was difficult.

1389
00:49:24,184 --> 00:49:26,344
I split from their dad, divorced their dad.

1390
00:49:26,344 --> 00:49:28,505
It was just us. He was never around

1391
00:49:28,505 --> 00:49:30,425
again. Thank you very much. That's how that

1392
00:49:30,425 --> 00:49:32,985
went. So I never got those weekends off

1393
00:49:32,985 --> 00:49:34,664
as a single mom. No. It did not

1394
00:49:34,664 --> 00:49:35,010
happen.

1395
00:49:36,050 --> 00:49:38,449
So in the beginning of the split, they

1396
00:49:38,449 --> 00:49:38,949
would

1397
00:49:39,250 --> 00:49:42,050
creep into my bed more often than after

1398
00:49:42,050 --> 00:49:42,949
we'd been

1399
00:49:43,650 --> 00:49:45,730
I'll just the three of us long enough,

1400
00:49:45,730 --> 00:49:48,210
I kinda was able to get them to

1401
00:49:48,210 --> 00:49:48,710
slowly

1402
00:49:49,010 --> 00:49:49,510
stop

1403
00:49:50,050 --> 00:49:51,945
sleeping in my bed. Because I'm the type

1404
00:49:51,945 --> 00:49:53,704
of parent that I I have a kid

1405
00:49:53,704 --> 00:49:55,144
in my bed if they're got a nightmare,

1406
00:49:55,144 --> 00:49:56,744
they don't feel good, something something. But in

1407
00:49:56,744 --> 00:49:58,664
general, I'm a parent that wants my child

1408
00:49:58,664 --> 00:50:00,505
to have their own bed. And that and

1409
00:50:00,505 --> 00:50:01,005
they,

1410
00:50:01,305 --> 00:50:02,744
did well with that. I never that was

1411
00:50:02,744 --> 00:50:05,041
never an issue. Yeah. You will have a

1412
00:50:05,041 --> 00:50:07,373
different setup and you will find your own

1413
00:50:07,373 --> 00:50:09,706
way. But what that meant was when I

1414
00:50:09,706 --> 00:50:12,038
moved in with JB, we very rarely had

1415
00:50:12,038 --> 00:50:14,371
to worry that a small child would be

1416
00:50:14,371 --> 00:50:16,703
creeping in in the middle of the night

1417
00:50:16,703 --> 00:50:18,675
or first thing in the morning. They just

1418
00:50:18,675 --> 00:50:21,155
kinda didn't do that. I think it helped

1419
00:50:21,155 --> 00:50:22,914
that the boys shared a room. There was

1420
00:50:22,914 --> 00:50:24,755
four year age there's four year age gap,

1421
00:50:24,755 --> 00:50:26,115
but for a lot of years, they shared

1422
00:50:26,115 --> 00:50:27,394
a room. So if one of them woke

1423
00:50:27,394 --> 00:50:29,010
up, they usually just went and poked their

1424
00:50:29,090 --> 00:50:30,949
brother. Like Mhmm.

1425
00:50:32,690 --> 00:50:33,190
Yeah.

1426
00:50:33,969 --> 00:50:34,789
And now,

1427
00:50:36,530 --> 00:50:37,989
these children would

1428
00:50:39,090 --> 00:50:41,250
twist themselves in the knots to do anything

1429
00:50:41,250 --> 00:50:43,329
to not have to come talk to me

1430
00:50:43,329 --> 00:50:45,625
in the middle of night about any fucking

1431
00:50:45,625 --> 00:50:47,545
thing. I'm not mad about it, y'all. I'm

1432
00:50:47,545 --> 00:50:49,065
not mad about it. I think as long

1433
00:50:49,065 --> 00:50:50,744
as it's not an emergency, let's have a

1434
00:50:50,744 --> 00:50:53,385
conversation when I'm caffeinated and I have clothes

1435
00:50:53,385 --> 00:50:53,885
on.

1436
00:50:54,505 --> 00:50:55,565
That's a good time.

1437
00:50:55,945 --> 00:50:57,385
Not at three in the morning. Now they

1438
00:50:57,385 --> 00:50:58,905
do know if they need something on there.

1439
00:50:58,905 --> 00:51:01,519
Yeah. But, you know, so that was a

1440
00:51:01,519 --> 00:51:02,960
a way that we did get our privacy.

1441
00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:05,119
So we had Mhmm. The townhome where the

1442
00:51:05,119 --> 00:51:06,639
walls were thin, but the kids are hard

1443
00:51:06,639 --> 00:51:08,639
sleepers. Yeah. And they didn't wander into my

1444
00:51:08,639 --> 00:51:11,539
room for any reason. Mhmm. Then we had

1445
00:51:13,135 --> 00:51:15,775
we had the condo where the bedrooms were

1446
00:51:15,775 --> 00:51:17,694
a little bit closer, but the walls are

1447
00:51:17,694 --> 00:51:19,855
nice and insulated and thick. The sound did

1448
00:51:19,855 --> 00:51:21,775
not quite carry. Mm-mm. And they were still

1449
00:51:21,775 --> 00:51:23,775
good sleepers, so we were good. Right. Then

1450
00:51:23,775 --> 00:51:25,800
we rented the house where they were right

1451
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:28,760
across, like, here's our door. There's the width

1452
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:30,700
of the hallway, and then there's their door.

1453
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:33,640
And the walls were super thin. Yeah. There

1454
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:35,559
was no privacy at that point. Yeah. The

1455
00:51:35,559 --> 00:51:37,160
walls were thin, and I don't think there

1456
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:38,140
was any insulation

1457
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:40,744
in those walls at all. Oh, my god.

1458
00:51:41,204 --> 00:51:43,364
No. The house had been purchased from somebody

1459
00:51:43,364 --> 00:51:45,045
who I think tried to flip it. Yeah.

1460
00:51:45,045 --> 00:51:47,444
And then they couldn't, so they rented it.

1461
00:51:47,444 --> 00:51:48,964
And it was it looked pretty if you

1462
00:51:48,964 --> 00:51:50,964
didn't look too close, if you didn't squint

1463
00:51:50,964 --> 00:51:52,085
your you know, you weren't

1464
00:51:52,644 --> 00:51:54,539
I didn't see that crack over

1465
00:51:55,159 --> 00:51:57,000
there. One of those kinds of homes, which

1466
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:58,619
is why we did that very,

1467
00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:00,460
very

1468
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:03,079
complex noise testing when we came to buy

1469
00:52:03,079 --> 00:52:06,184
this house. So the year Excuse me. I

1470
00:52:06,184 --> 00:52:07,864
get ish that we spent in the house

1471
00:52:07,864 --> 00:52:09,385
where they could hear everything and they were

1472
00:52:09,385 --> 00:52:11,344
way too fucking close. We were miserable

1473
00:52:11,784 --> 00:52:13,644
Yeah. For that year because

1474
00:52:14,264 --> 00:52:15,324
we did not

1475
00:52:15,784 --> 00:52:16,284
get

1476
00:52:16,664 --> 00:52:17,565
true fuckery

1477
00:52:18,200 --> 00:52:20,119
No. At all. Like, if we were doing

1478
00:52:20,119 --> 00:52:21,880
anything, it was real subtle stuff, and it

1479
00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:23,000
was like when we were in the car,

1480
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:25,200
just the two of us. We tried to

1481
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:26,539
when the kids were

1482
00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:27,660
both

1483
00:52:28,039 --> 00:52:30,539
at school, that would be, like, the time.

1484
00:52:30,599 --> 00:52:33,000
Mhmm. But the nighttime stuff, the first thing

1485
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:35,695
in the morning stuff. Yeah. I know. Nope.

1486
00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:37,454
Because the and the problem with middle of

1487
00:52:37,454 --> 00:52:39,054
the day, that sounds like the easy thing.

1488
00:52:39,054 --> 00:52:40,655
Hey. You've got an hour. You've got six

1489
00:52:40,655 --> 00:52:42,734
hours. They're gone. Yeah. But we both gotta

1490
00:52:42,734 --> 00:52:45,155
work and we gotta earn a living and

1491
00:52:45,215 --> 00:52:48,114
we we gotta, like, be adults. So

1492
00:52:48,500 --> 00:52:50,599
we were really bad at finding

1493
00:52:51,219 --> 00:52:53,859
small moments of time. Like, we're begging y'all

1494
00:52:53,859 --> 00:52:56,500
to do. Like, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. If

1495
00:52:56,500 --> 00:52:57,940
you're lucky enough to get an hour, take

1496
00:52:57,940 --> 00:53:00,179
the fucking hour. Mhmm. You know? And I

1497
00:53:00,179 --> 00:53:00,920
get Yeah.

1498
00:53:01,335 --> 00:53:03,094
Not everybody feels this way. I know. But

1499
00:53:03,094 --> 00:53:05,094
I know how I am. I can be

1500
00:53:05,175 --> 00:53:07,355
I always say it's my baby girl side.

1501
00:53:07,815 --> 00:53:09,034
If I can't have

1502
00:53:09,335 --> 00:53:10,074
the whole

1503
00:53:10,454 --> 00:53:13,655
hour, the three hour scene, the big huge

1504
00:53:13,655 --> 00:53:14,155
production,

1505
00:53:14,614 --> 00:53:16,534
and that's what I'm focused on and thinking

1506
00:53:16,534 --> 00:53:18,030
about and and I'm thinking about how I'm

1507
00:53:18,030 --> 00:53:20,670
not getting it, it makes the little five

1508
00:53:20,670 --> 00:53:21,730
or ten minute

1509
00:53:22,430 --> 00:53:22,930
moment

1510
00:53:23,469 --> 00:53:24,530
pale in comparison.

1511
00:53:24,910 --> 00:53:26,430
And there have been times in my life

1512
00:53:26,430 --> 00:53:27,469
where I was like, well, if I can't

1513
00:53:27,469 --> 00:53:29,070
get the whole thing, I don't even want

1514
00:53:29,070 --> 00:53:30,449
the little taste of it.

1515
00:53:31,425 --> 00:53:34,164
I was spiting my fucking self.

1516
00:53:36,385 --> 00:53:36,625
My

1517
00:53:38,065 --> 00:53:39,364
I understand the urge.

1518
00:53:40,385 --> 00:53:40,885
I

1519
00:53:44,519 --> 00:53:46,840
beg you to not let yourself go down

1520
00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:49,000
that as much as possible. Take the ten

1521
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:51,079
minutes you can get. Yeah. No. It's not

1522
00:53:51,079 --> 00:53:53,320
enough, but it's better than nothing. Nothing. We

1523
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:54,619
have gone literal years

1524
00:53:55,239 --> 00:53:56,380
with nothing,

1525
00:53:56,840 --> 00:53:57,660
and that

1526
00:53:58,324 --> 00:54:00,644
sucked. If we were not so good at

1527
00:54:00,644 --> 00:54:01,144
communicating

1528
00:54:02,804 --> 00:54:05,384
and best fucking friends and our power exchange

1529
00:54:05,525 --> 00:54:08,085
wasn't so subtly, like, just intricately worked through

1530
00:54:08,085 --> 00:54:08,984
fucking everything,

1531
00:54:09,605 --> 00:54:11,204
I don't know what would have happened to

1532
00:54:11,204 --> 00:54:12,889
us with the amount of time we went

1533
00:54:13,510 --> 00:54:15,989
with almost nothing physical, because we kept waiting

1534
00:54:15,989 --> 00:54:18,069
for a three hour spot to open up.

1535
00:54:18,069 --> 00:54:18,569
Right?

1536
00:54:19,269 --> 00:54:21,510
For what? From 2020

1537
00:54:21,510 --> 00:54:22,969
COVID times to

1538
00:54:23,875 --> 00:54:24,934
2024,

1539
00:54:25,394 --> 00:54:27,715
what we had consistently was a small point

1540
00:54:27,715 --> 00:54:30,614
of connection. It was ten minutes. Mhmm. Which

1541
00:54:30,755 --> 00:54:32,594
the times that we argued so badly that

1542
00:54:32,594 --> 00:54:34,614
we refused to do our bedtime routine,

1543
00:54:35,155 --> 00:54:37,359
that hurt my feelings so bad. That made

1544
00:54:37,359 --> 00:54:38,099
those devastating.

1545
00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:40,159
Like, that really would point out just how

1546
00:54:40,159 --> 00:54:42,159
bad this argument was. It wasn't even right

1547
00:54:42,159 --> 00:54:44,559
for me. No. No. Nobody slept well at

1548
00:54:44,559 --> 00:54:45,300
night. No.

1549
00:54:47,599 --> 00:54:48,099
Here's

1550
00:54:50,164 --> 00:54:52,085
here's one. And this is a thing you

1551
00:54:52,085 --> 00:54:52,585
cannot

1552
00:54:54,324 --> 00:54:56,244
get away from, get around, because it's gonna

1553
00:54:56,244 --> 00:54:57,144
happen at times.

1554
00:54:58,244 --> 00:55:00,644
Putting the needs of your children or the

1555
00:55:00,644 --> 00:55:03,304
adults you're taking care of above your own.

1556
00:55:03,605 --> 00:55:04,105
Sometimes

1557
00:55:05,199 --> 00:55:08,400
there's kinda no fucking choice. You know? Somebody's

1558
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:10,340
sick. Somebody needs extra care.

1559
00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:11,219
Somebody,

1560
00:55:11,519 --> 00:55:13,760
you know, needs extra time. I have, to

1561
00:55:13,760 --> 00:55:16,480
this day, have absolutely stopped what is going

1562
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:18,954
on in whatever I'm doing minus going to

1563
00:55:18,954 --> 00:55:20,635
the bathroom. I will always go pee first.

1564
00:55:20,635 --> 00:55:22,175
I've learned I've learned on that.

1565
00:55:23,355 --> 00:55:26,014
To talk to a despondent

1566
00:55:26,474 --> 00:55:28,494
19 year old on the phone who

1567
00:55:28,795 --> 00:55:30,875
thinks everybody hates him and what he really

1568
00:55:30,875 --> 00:55:32,489
needed was a meal and a nap.

1569
00:55:33,690 --> 00:55:36,170
But, like, he he calls, and I I

1570
00:55:36,170 --> 00:55:37,610
know I know when I get that call

1571
00:55:37,610 --> 00:55:40,170
that he's calling because something's on his mind.

1572
00:55:40,170 --> 00:55:41,929
What are you doing, mom? Nothing. What's your

1573
00:55:41,929 --> 00:55:42,670
knee, babe?

1574
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:46,489
The youngest, just yesterday, was going through it,

1575
00:55:46,489 --> 00:55:47,925
and I have learned with the help of

1576
00:55:47,925 --> 00:55:49,925
a therapist what some of this stuff means

1577
00:55:49,925 --> 00:55:51,465
and, you know, to be,

1578
00:55:53,765 --> 00:55:56,565
paying attention. Cognizant of it. Right? Be focused

1579
00:55:56,565 --> 00:55:59,364
on it. Everything stopped. Right? Everything stopped because

1580
00:55:59,445 --> 00:56:01,285
let let's what can I do? How can

1581
00:56:01,285 --> 00:56:02,849
I ease this for you? Can I fix

1582
00:56:02,849 --> 00:56:03,750
it? Oftentimes

1583
00:56:04,690 --> 00:56:06,130
not. When they're sick, when they're this, when

1584
00:56:06,130 --> 00:56:06,630
they're

1585
00:56:06,930 --> 00:56:09,750
yes. Yes. Anybody with an infant knows.

1586
00:56:12,130 --> 00:56:14,450
Yeah. You haven't slept, showered, or eaten a

1587
00:56:14,450 --> 00:56:15,734
full meal because

1588
00:56:16,275 --> 00:56:18,195
that baby is not going to sleep and,

1589
00:56:18,195 --> 00:56:20,135
you know, is screaming itself. Right?

1590
00:56:21,714 --> 00:56:23,714
There is a line that you have to

1591
00:56:23,714 --> 00:56:24,695
find for yourself

1592
00:56:26,034 --> 00:56:27,255
of when it's time

1593
00:56:27,630 --> 00:56:29,230
somebody needs to help you so that you

1594
00:56:29,230 --> 00:56:30,690
can take care of your own needs.

1595
00:56:31,150 --> 00:56:31,650
Sometimes

1596
00:56:32,029 --> 00:56:34,589
it's safer than you realize to let them

1597
00:56:34,589 --> 00:56:35,089
wait

1598
00:56:35,389 --> 00:56:37,730
so so you have that time for yourself.

1599
00:56:37,869 --> 00:56:38,529
That is

1600
00:56:38,829 --> 00:56:40,049
a unique situation

1601
00:56:41,085 --> 00:56:43,644
for every person and every situation that you

1602
00:56:43,644 --> 00:56:45,164
are in. Like, the things I could leave

1603
00:56:45,164 --> 00:56:46,465
the kids alone to,

1604
00:56:47,005 --> 00:56:49,005
like, sort that out. I I'll be back

1605
00:56:49,005 --> 00:56:51,005
in thirty minutes. You're you're fine. You just

1606
00:56:51,005 --> 00:56:52,065
don't know you're fine.

1607
00:56:52,525 --> 00:56:55,210
Is different, you know, those things at that

1608
00:56:55,210 --> 00:56:57,789
moment in time, yes. And then another life

1609
00:56:58,809 --> 00:57:00,490
thing in life, no. That was not an

1610
00:57:00,490 --> 00:57:00,990
option.

1611
00:57:01,690 --> 00:57:02,990
But it is very easy.

1612
00:57:03,450 --> 00:57:05,390
Typically, if you were the default caregiver,

1613
00:57:06,035 --> 00:57:07,635
the parent or the one taking care of

1614
00:57:07,635 --> 00:57:08,295
an adult,

1615
00:57:08,914 --> 00:57:09,414
to

1616
00:57:10,275 --> 00:57:11,094
not to

1617
00:57:12,835 --> 00:57:14,355
try not to or to feel guilty when

1618
00:57:14,355 --> 00:57:15,894
you do think about your own needs.

1619
00:57:16,675 --> 00:57:17,175
And

1620
00:57:18,010 --> 00:57:19,849
sometimes you don't have a choice, and sometimes

1621
00:57:19,849 --> 00:57:21,690
you just don't know that you can ask

1622
00:57:21,690 --> 00:57:23,530
for help. You're not confident that you can

1623
00:57:23,530 --> 00:57:26,010
ask for help. You're rejecting help because you've

1624
00:57:26,010 --> 00:57:27,610
now got it in your head that nobody's

1625
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:28,450
gonna do it the way I can do

1626
00:57:28,450 --> 00:57:29,930
it, and so I can't let anybody else

1627
00:57:29,930 --> 00:57:30,344
do it.

1628
00:57:31,065 --> 00:57:32,744
I can't tell you if that's the right

1629
00:57:32,744 --> 00:57:34,344
decision. I don't know your life. I don't

1630
00:57:34,344 --> 00:57:36,344
know what you're going through, but more times

1631
00:57:36,344 --> 00:57:37,804
than not, you really

1632
00:57:38,105 --> 00:57:40,125
can accept the help. It's just fear.

1633
00:57:43,299 --> 00:57:45,139
That will affect everything in your life. You

1634
00:57:45,139 --> 00:57:46,659
already know this. It will absolutely impact your

1635
00:57:46,659 --> 00:57:47,400
power exchange.

1636
00:57:47,859 --> 00:57:48,359
Absolutely.

1637
00:57:49,460 --> 00:57:51,859
JB was doing the thing that terrifies me

1638
00:57:51,859 --> 00:57:54,179
and driving on almost no sleep, two hours,

1639
00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:55,859
one way to go take care of his

1640
00:57:55,859 --> 00:57:58,484
mom. Then getting there and not sleeping because

1641
00:57:58,484 --> 00:58:00,484
it was a stressful situation. There was no

1642
00:58:00,484 --> 00:58:02,804
good bed to sleep in. His mom needed

1643
00:58:02,804 --> 00:58:05,045
him at all hours. Right? And then he

1644
00:58:05,045 --> 00:58:08,005
was with no sleep driving back. He was

1645
00:58:08,085 --> 00:58:08,585
everybody

1646
00:58:08,885 --> 00:58:12,059
his mom's needs, his sister's needs, all came

1647
00:58:12,059 --> 00:58:13,279
before his own

1648
00:58:13,819 --> 00:58:16,559
and he that's how he functioned through it.

1649
00:58:16,859 --> 00:58:18,699
What that meant was when he got home

1650
00:58:18,699 --> 00:58:21,579
to me, I was like, we're gonna take

1651
00:58:21,579 --> 00:58:23,339
care of you because you've you've got to

1652
00:58:23,339 --> 00:58:25,179
have that. Right? Like, whatever it is you

1653
00:58:25,179 --> 00:58:25,664
need, let's

1654
00:58:26,304 --> 00:58:28,545
do that. That is normal. But if you're

1655
00:58:28,545 --> 00:58:31,184
not openly communicating with your partner about it,

1656
00:58:31,184 --> 00:58:33,045
you're not being honest with each other

1657
00:58:33,744 --> 00:58:35,265
Oh, it's gonna be a tough one. It's

1658
00:58:35,265 --> 00:58:37,105
gonna fuck everything up, y'all. And I think

1659
00:58:37,105 --> 00:58:38,724
we know this. I think we somehow

1660
00:58:39,744 --> 00:58:41,184
we y'all, I don't know if you think

1661
00:58:41,184 --> 00:58:43,019
this, but I'm sure I've had this thought

1662
00:58:43,019 --> 00:58:45,840
that power exchange is somehow so different

1663
00:58:46,140 --> 00:58:47,680
to any other relationship

1664
00:58:48,380 --> 00:58:51,260
that it can both withstand things that most

1665
00:58:51,260 --> 00:58:53,920
other relationships can't. That's not true. True.

1666
00:58:54,460 --> 00:58:56,559
But also is it weirdly

1667
00:58:57,019 --> 00:58:57,525
too fragile

1668
00:58:58,565 --> 00:59:01,224
to let real world stuff interfere with it?

1669
00:59:01,364 --> 00:59:02,424
Neither is true.

1670
00:59:02,804 --> 00:59:04,565
How do we hold both thoughts in our

1671
00:59:04,565 --> 00:59:06,184
head at the same time? I don't know.

1672
00:59:06,404 --> 00:59:08,585
I'm weird like that. Maybe you don't.

1673
00:59:09,605 --> 00:59:11,444
But all of it all of it is

1674
00:59:11,444 --> 00:59:13,609
I you gotta you gotta say the thing,

1675
00:59:13,670 --> 00:59:15,349
you know. I have not slept in three

1676
00:59:15,349 --> 00:59:17,670
days. I have not bathed in five. I

1677
00:59:17,670 --> 00:59:19,670
want to spend time with you, dear submissive,

1678
00:59:19,670 --> 00:59:21,589
but I'm taking a shower and a nap

1679
00:59:21,589 --> 00:59:22,650
first. Right?

1680
00:59:24,710 --> 00:59:25,989
The one I have tend to have to

1681
00:59:25,989 --> 00:59:27,735
do to JB is I love you.

1682
00:59:28,375 --> 00:59:29,195
I want

1683
00:59:29,575 --> 00:59:31,575
to get naked with you and roll around

1684
00:59:31,575 --> 00:59:33,675
in the bed. But if one more person

1685
00:59:33,735 --> 00:59:36,235
talks to me, touches me, or needs me,

1686
00:59:36,295 --> 00:59:37,755
I'm a lose my shit.

1687
00:59:39,255 --> 00:59:41,815
So I am always your submissive. But right

1688
00:59:41,815 --> 00:59:43,980
now, your submissive is taking a five minute

1689
00:59:43,980 --> 00:59:44,480
break.

1690
00:59:44,940 --> 00:59:46,539
I'm a go sit in a dark room

1691
00:59:46,539 --> 00:59:47,840
by my fucking self.

1692
00:59:49,260 --> 00:59:51,660
And, yeah, I I had to learn that

1693
00:59:51,660 --> 00:59:53,680
I had those needs. I did not Mhmm.

1694
00:59:54,300 --> 00:59:55,280
I did not understand

1695
00:59:55,820 --> 00:59:56,320
why

1696
00:59:57,174 --> 00:59:57,914
I gravitated

1697
00:59:58,295 --> 00:59:58,795
to

1698
00:59:59,494 --> 01:00:02,795
my typically bedroom, lights out, fan on high,

1699
01:00:02,934 --> 01:00:05,335
right underneath the AC vent, every time I

1700
01:00:05,335 --> 01:00:07,434
got really stressed out or, like, really overwhelmed.

1701
01:00:08,135 --> 01:00:09,494
It's because it was too much. I was

1702
01:00:09,494 --> 01:00:09,994
overstimulated.

1703
01:00:10,855 --> 01:00:12,635
And being in a still,

1704
01:00:13,139 --> 01:00:14,199
quiet room

1705
01:00:14,579 --> 01:00:16,039
completely the fuck alone,

1706
01:00:17,219 --> 01:00:19,859
it's very calming for me. Once I realize

1707
01:00:19,859 --> 01:00:21,239
that, I I now make

1708
01:00:21,699 --> 01:00:23,299
Yeah. Like, I need that. I need five

1709
01:00:23,299 --> 01:00:24,980
minutes of that so I can do three

1710
01:00:24,980 --> 01:00:25,994
more hours of the stressful

1711
01:00:26,954 --> 01:00:28,715
Right? Alright. When I see you go in

1712
01:00:28,715 --> 01:00:30,235
in the room and close the door behind

1713
01:00:30,235 --> 01:00:33,035
you, I'm Mhmm. I know. And the thing

1714
01:00:33,035 --> 01:00:34,875
is, I take advantage of that now

1715
01:00:35,275 --> 01:00:37,355
Mhmm. Every chance I get when I need

1716
01:00:37,355 --> 01:00:39,595
it because I know from experience, there are

1717
01:00:39,595 --> 01:00:41,159
gonna be times I don't have that luxury

1718
01:00:41,159 --> 01:00:43,159
and it is a luxury. It is me

1719
01:00:43,159 --> 01:00:44,460
taking care of my own needs

1720
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:47,500
but when you take care of other humans

1721
01:00:47,639 --> 01:00:49,579
as part of like your day to day,

1722
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:51,480
it's a fucking luxury to have that kind

1723
01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:52,844
of time. I have that time now from

1724
01:00:52,925 --> 01:00:54,844
from a parenting perspective because they are older

1725
01:00:54,844 --> 01:00:57,005
and they don't need me as much. I

1726
01:00:57,005 --> 01:00:58,204
don't know what I'm gonna do when I'm

1727
01:00:58,204 --> 01:01:00,445
not, like, actively parenting in the same way

1728
01:01:00,445 --> 01:01:01,984
anymore. Like, my mind doesn't even

1729
01:01:02,764 --> 01:01:03,984
comprehend it anymore.

1730
01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:07,025
I'll be very lost for a hot minute.

1731
01:01:08,219 --> 01:01:09,900
But that's the other thing. Some people I

1732
01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:11,420
can I can hear you? I don't have

1733
01:01:11,420 --> 01:01:13,340
time to do that. Not every day. You

1734
01:01:13,340 --> 01:01:15,500
certainly don't. But whatever it is that you

1735
01:01:15,500 --> 01:01:16,639
know that you need,

1736
01:01:17,579 --> 01:01:20,239
that there will be times you can do,

1737
01:01:21,179 --> 01:01:23,914
take that time. Communicate with your partner. I

1738
01:01:24,934 --> 01:01:26,695
can't do this right now. I need this.

1739
01:01:26,695 --> 01:01:28,155
If you are the partner watching

1740
01:01:28,454 --> 01:01:30,394
your, you know, whether submissive or dominant,

1741
01:01:34,215 --> 01:01:36,855
ground grind themselves down on the ground because

1742
01:01:36,855 --> 01:01:39,340
they are caring for everybody else. Right?

1743
01:01:40,199 --> 01:01:42,760
It is your fucking job to stop them

1744
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:44,840
at some point and go, hey, this is

1745
01:01:44,840 --> 01:01:45,739
what I'm saying.

1746
01:01:46,679 --> 01:01:48,039
Here's what I think I can do to

1747
01:01:48,039 --> 01:01:49,815
help. That's taking some of the mental load.

1748
01:01:49,894 --> 01:01:51,494
When you ask for the list, you've just

1749
01:01:51,494 --> 01:01:53,094
given a mental load. I'm just saying if

1750
01:01:53,094 --> 01:01:54,855
you see it go, I would like to

1751
01:01:54,855 --> 01:01:57,094
do these things. What JB has learned to

1752
01:01:57,094 --> 01:01:58,934
do is go, will it stress you out

1753
01:01:58,934 --> 01:02:00,875
more if I just take care of this?

1754
01:02:01,094 --> 01:02:02,775
And sometimes I go, yes, it will. And

1755
01:02:02,775 --> 01:02:04,934
sometimes I go, no. You go right the

1756
01:02:04,934 --> 01:02:07,309
fuck ahead. But he has gotten really good

1757
01:02:07,309 --> 01:02:08,590
at coming up to me and going, what

1758
01:02:08,590 --> 01:02:11,070
do you need right now? Yeah. I've gotten

1759
01:02:11,070 --> 01:02:13,309
better at going, I need quiet. I need

1760
01:02:13,309 --> 01:02:14,829
a cool room. I need to be left

1761
01:02:14,829 --> 01:02:16,590
alone because that's what that is what I

1762
01:02:16,590 --> 01:02:18,130
need. Whatever you need,

1763
01:02:19,054 --> 01:02:20,034
spend some time,

1764
01:02:20,734 --> 01:02:22,494
however long it takes, however many fucking years

1765
01:02:22,494 --> 01:02:24,734
it takes, figuring out what it is, and

1766
01:02:24,734 --> 01:02:27,154
then fucking talk to your partner. Yeah.

1767
01:02:28,255 --> 01:02:29,795
Because all of this is hard.

1768
01:02:30,094 --> 01:02:31,074
Mhmm. Now

1769
01:02:31,375 --> 01:02:32,510
the the other thing I will say, this

1770
01:02:32,510 --> 01:02:34,109
has been a very long episode, and I

1771
01:02:34,109 --> 01:02:35,550
still have a couple more things, and I

1772
01:02:35,550 --> 01:02:37,070
know I get ranty. So I don't know.

1773
01:02:37,070 --> 01:02:37,889
I don't know.

1774
01:02:38,429 --> 01:02:40,590
One thing I will say for these times

1775
01:02:40,590 --> 01:02:41,250
of caregiving,

1776
01:02:42,590 --> 01:02:43,969
the episode we did

1777
01:02:44,505 --> 01:02:46,605
last week, DS, that nobody will notice.

1778
01:02:47,144 --> 01:02:49,144
If any of those kinds of things resonate

1779
01:02:49,144 --> 01:02:50,284
for you in Power Exchange,

1780
01:02:50,664 --> 01:02:51,565
highly recommend

1781
01:02:51,944 --> 01:02:52,444
because

1782
01:02:53,464 --> 01:02:56,025
you are like, for us, my rules and

1783
01:02:56,025 --> 01:02:58,424
routines, the tasks that I follow, I have

1784
01:02:58,424 --> 01:03:00,264
built those into the life I have as

1785
01:03:00,264 --> 01:03:02,000
a mother. Like, I know when I can

1786
01:03:02,000 --> 01:03:04,800
do this because no child will need me.

1787
01:03:04,800 --> 01:03:07,280
I know that sometimes my child will need

1788
01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:09,300
me in a way they haven't in forever,

1789
01:03:09,519 --> 01:03:11,039
and I can just then go to JB

1790
01:03:11,039 --> 01:03:11,519
and go,

1791
01:03:12,079 --> 01:03:13,815
I either need need some time or I

1792
01:03:13,815 --> 01:03:15,275
need to not do this thing today,

1793
01:03:15,574 --> 01:03:18,295
but it's it's baked in. So I can

1794
01:03:18,295 --> 01:03:20,315
fit the things I do as a submissive

1795
01:03:20,855 --> 01:03:22,554
around the life I have.

1796
01:03:23,655 --> 01:03:25,835
The things that we do that have meaning,

1797
01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:28,400
as we talked about in that episode, are

1798
01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:30,719
things that that we're already doing and don't

1799
01:03:30,719 --> 01:03:32,179
look like anything. Right?

1800
01:03:33,199 --> 01:03:34,719
Getting in the car and handing him his

1801
01:03:34,719 --> 01:03:35,219
sunglasses.

1802
01:03:35,920 --> 01:03:38,239
He was gonna put his sunglasses on anyway.

1803
01:03:38,239 --> 01:03:40,400
Me doing it doesn't take any extra time.

1804
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:42,525
We're sitting there. Nobody's gonna ask a question.

1805
01:03:42,905 --> 01:03:44,505
Sometimes the only time for a while we

1806
01:03:44,505 --> 01:03:45,784
got alone was when we were in the

1807
01:03:45,784 --> 01:03:47,704
fucking car together. Mhmm.

1808
01:03:48,344 --> 01:03:49,625
You know, so You take a lot of

1809
01:03:49,625 --> 01:03:51,085
drives at that time. We did.

1810
01:03:51,704 --> 01:03:52,364
We did.

1811
01:03:53,144 --> 01:03:55,224
So that is the thing I can also

1812
01:03:55,224 --> 01:03:57,304
say during this time of caregiving Yeah. For

1813
01:03:57,304 --> 01:03:59,869
an adult. Find if again, if it resonates

1814
01:04:00,150 --> 01:04:01,849
Mhmm. Find things that are not

1815
01:04:03,349 --> 01:04:04,650
actively, like, fuckery

1816
01:04:05,349 --> 01:04:07,190
Yeah. That can't be behind closed doors, I

1817
01:04:07,190 --> 01:04:09,829
mean. Mhmm. And that don't have that nobody's

1818
01:04:09,829 --> 01:04:11,750
gonna clock. But that means something to you

1819
01:04:11,750 --> 01:04:13,585
so that you have something. Can we talked

1820
01:04:13,585 --> 01:04:14,085
about

1821
01:04:14,704 --> 01:04:16,305
this many times this year as we are,

1822
01:04:16,305 --> 01:04:18,864
like, reconnecting in our power exchange. Mhmm. But

1823
01:04:18,864 --> 01:04:20,785
the thing that got us through those, what,

1824
01:04:20,785 --> 01:04:21,445
four years

1825
01:04:21,824 --> 01:04:23,125
of just hell

1826
01:04:24,224 --> 01:04:24,724
Yeah.

1827
01:04:25,184 --> 01:04:25,684
Was

1828
01:04:26,170 --> 01:04:27,929
the way we do our power exchange. If

1829
01:04:27,929 --> 01:04:29,630
JB is always the decider

1830
01:04:30,090 --> 01:04:31,929
and I keep doing the things that I

1831
01:04:31,929 --> 01:04:33,929
agreed to do because they still work for

1832
01:04:33,929 --> 01:04:35,369
me to do. It's not like I don't

1833
01:04:35,369 --> 01:04:36,349
mind doing them.

1834
01:04:36,809 --> 01:04:38,809
Yes. The the power exchange is not where

1835
01:04:38,809 --> 01:04:40,644
we want it to be once we get

1836
01:04:40,644 --> 01:04:43,764
through that time in life. It's not our

1837
01:04:43,764 --> 01:04:46,744
idealized version where we are really satisfied

1838
01:04:47,045 --> 01:04:49,444
with it. No. But But at least there's

1839
01:04:49,444 --> 01:04:50,344
something there

1840
01:04:51,764 --> 01:04:53,969
that it's not totally just thrown out. Yep.

1841
01:04:54,289 --> 01:04:55,809
There's something there to build off of. Right.

1842
01:04:55,809 --> 01:04:56,309
Also,

1843
01:04:59,889 --> 01:05:01,030
because I'm like this.

1844
01:05:02,369 --> 01:05:05,809
Quality over quantity, y'all. Some folks, regardless of

1845
01:05:05,809 --> 01:05:07,329
whether you're a parent, you got a kid,

1846
01:05:07,329 --> 01:05:09,409
whatever. Mhmm. Your life is so fucking busy

1847
01:05:09,409 --> 01:05:09,945
and stressful in

1848
01:05:10,824 --> 01:05:11,324
general

1849
01:05:11,704 --> 01:05:13,081
that having a whole bunch of rules or

1850
01:05:13,081 --> 01:05:14,105
a whole bunch of tasks or that's too

1851
01:05:14,105 --> 01:05:14,605
fucking

1852
01:05:15,144 --> 01:05:17,144
much. You don't have to do all of

1853
01:05:17,144 --> 01:05:17,724
the things.

1854
01:05:18,344 --> 01:05:21,085
Do what your life and your

1855
01:05:21,704 --> 01:05:24,265
mental and emotional health allow and physical health,

1856
01:05:24,265 --> 01:05:26,940
true, to allow you to do. That might

1857
01:05:26,940 --> 01:05:29,420
be one thing every fucking day. It might

1858
01:05:29,420 --> 01:05:31,820
be two things. It might be this stage

1859
01:05:31,820 --> 01:05:33,260
of life, it's only one thing you can

1860
01:05:33,260 --> 01:05:35,260
do, but in six months, new stage of

1861
01:05:35,260 --> 01:05:35,760
life,

1862
01:05:36,219 --> 01:05:38,140
you can add more. But if we get

1863
01:05:38,140 --> 01:05:39,394
really, like, focused fuck

1864
01:05:41,375 --> 01:05:41,875
that

1865
01:05:43,855 --> 01:05:45,155
shit. It is.

1866
01:05:46,094 --> 01:05:49,054
I say this as a greedy fucking baby

1867
01:05:49,054 --> 01:05:49,554
girl

1868
01:05:49,934 --> 01:05:52,015
who why would I want one when I

1869
01:05:52,015 --> 01:05:53,650
was gifted with two hands

1870
01:05:54,190 --> 01:05:56,190
and they're not small? I can I can

1871
01:05:56,190 --> 01:05:57,949
have more? It will fit in my hands.

1872
01:05:57,949 --> 01:05:59,730
Give me more. I am that kind

1873
01:06:00,190 --> 01:06:02,269
person. Why do I want the small slice

1874
01:06:02,269 --> 01:06:03,010
of cheesecake

1875
01:06:03,630 --> 01:06:06,184
if the standard size is really big.

1876
01:06:07,605 --> 01:06:09,445
That that's the kind of person I am.

1877
01:06:09,445 --> 01:06:10,905
So I I get

1878
01:06:11,364 --> 01:06:14,405
how people can think that way. But life

1879
01:06:14,405 --> 01:06:15,545
has taught me

1880
01:06:16,005 --> 01:06:17,925
that what that means is more often than

1881
01:06:17,925 --> 01:06:19,144
not, I'm going without

1882
01:06:19,489 --> 01:06:20,309
because I won't

1883
01:06:20,690 --> 01:06:23,969
accept smaller, not lesser, not lesser. We're not

1884
01:06:23,969 --> 01:06:24,469
accepting

1885
01:06:24,769 --> 01:06:26,469
less respect, less communication,

1886
01:06:27,170 --> 01:06:29,329
less care. Right? We know and that's we're

1887
01:06:29,329 --> 01:06:30,069
not accepting

1888
01:06:30,369 --> 01:06:30,869
less.

1889
01:06:31,409 --> 01:06:31,909
Just

1890
01:06:32,369 --> 01:06:33,269
smaller amounts.

1891
01:06:34,275 --> 01:06:35,734
Smaller, not less. Right?

1892
01:06:37,074 --> 01:06:38,135
Mhmm. And

1893
01:06:39,074 --> 01:06:41,234
if you can find what works for you

1894
01:06:41,234 --> 01:06:42,994
and your partner, he can get you through

1895
01:06:42,994 --> 01:06:44,214
the next Right. Season.

1896
01:06:44,514 --> 01:06:45,014
Mhmm.

1897
01:06:46,674 --> 01:06:47,174
Okay.

1898
01:06:47,554 --> 01:06:49,394
The last thing I wanna leave everybody with

1899
01:06:49,635 --> 01:06:51,469
Mhmm. We started at the beginning.

1900
01:06:52,010 --> 01:06:54,329
And sometimes it's a triumphant thing and sometimes

1901
01:06:54,329 --> 01:06:56,030
it's a sad, sad thing.

1902
01:06:57,690 --> 01:07:00,170
Whatever caregiving you're doing, it is probably not

1903
01:07:00,170 --> 01:07:00,670
forever.

1904
01:07:01,050 --> 01:07:01,550
Yeah.

1905
01:07:01,849 --> 01:07:03,070
In most situations,

1906
01:07:03,675 --> 01:07:06,094
most common situations, it is not forever.

1907
01:07:06,954 --> 01:07:08,494
These children will grow up.

1908
01:07:09,035 --> 01:07:09,535
Mhmm.

1909
01:07:10,074 --> 01:07:13,535
The adult caregiving often has a clear expiration

1910
01:07:13,755 --> 01:07:15,355
date. I hate to say it. I don't

1911
01:07:15,355 --> 01:07:17,535
wanna sound callous. It's it's

1912
01:07:18,069 --> 01:07:20,250
heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. Mhmm.

1913
01:07:23,829 --> 01:07:26,630
But however long this this lasts, it's it's

1914
01:07:26,630 --> 01:07:28,969
not a forever. It's not. No.

1915
01:07:30,565 --> 01:07:31,065
So

1916
01:07:31,364 --> 01:07:33,525
now that I've brought the whole fucking room

1917
01:07:33,525 --> 01:07:34,025
down

1918
01:07:35,525 --> 01:07:36,425
sorry, y'all.

1919
01:07:36,885 --> 01:07:38,324
Look. A lot of this people are gonna

1920
01:07:38,324 --> 01:07:39,844
go, that's common sense. That's what you should

1921
01:07:39,844 --> 01:07:41,045
do in the rest of your life. Yes.

1922
01:07:41,045 --> 01:07:41,864
But sometimes

1923
01:07:42,244 --> 01:07:45,389
we somehow think power exchange life is completely

1924
01:07:45,389 --> 01:07:45,889
separate

1925
01:07:46,510 --> 01:07:47,889
and distinct from

1926
01:07:48,190 --> 01:07:50,269
the rest of our life. And in certain

1927
01:07:50,269 --> 01:07:52,449
cases, it can be. Like if you are

1928
01:07:52,589 --> 01:07:54,989
very much a my power exchange only happens

1929
01:07:54,989 --> 01:07:57,710
under these specific parameters, it can feel like

1930
01:07:57,710 --> 01:07:58,929
it's separate. But

1931
01:07:59,565 --> 01:08:01,664
you're out The rest of your life will

1932
01:08:02,045 --> 01:08:04,204
will interfere. I don't care if you only

1933
01:08:04,204 --> 01:08:06,364
do power exchange in this one specific situation,

1934
01:08:06,364 --> 01:08:08,204
in this one room, at this one time,

1935
01:08:08,204 --> 01:08:09,425
on this one day.

1936
01:08:10,125 --> 01:08:11,804
All the things going on in your life

1937
01:08:11,804 --> 01:08:13,025
will impact that.

1938
01:08:14,605 --> 01:08:15,105
So,

1939
01:08:16,500 --> 01:08:18,039
real world power exchange,

1940
01:08:18,659 --> 01:08:20,260
this is one of the things we've talked

1941
01:08:20,260 --> 01:08:22,260
about this before, but people were like, oh,

1942
01:08:22,260 --> 01:08:23,699
real world? Yeah. Please talk to me about

1943
01:08:23,699 --> 01:08:24,199
parenting.

1944
01:08:24,819 --> 01:08:26,180
I will link to you on all the

1945
01:08:26,180 --> 01:08:28,739
ways we have talked about parenting, but this

1946
01:08:28,739 --> 01:08:30,340
is true of just taking care of another

1947
01:08:30,340 --> 01:08:31,185
human. Yeah.

1948
01:08:32,305 --> 01:08:32,885
Yep. So

1949
01:08:33,984 --> 01:08:35,744
anything you would like to add? I think

1950
01:08:35,744 --> 01:08:36,244
we,

1951
01:08:38,864 --> 01:08:41,045
covered it. I made my throat hurt.

1952
01:08:41,345 --> 01:08:42,405
I made myself sweaty.

1953
01:08:44,119 --> 01:08:46,539
I probably turned my face redder than usual

1954
01:08:46,600 --> 01:08:49,420
from a blood pressure spike. No. Oh, good.

1955
01:08:49,479 --> 01:08:50,539
The makeup is working.

1956
01:08:53,560 --> 01:08:55,399
Yeah. So all that being said, yes, we

1957
01:08:55,399 --> 01:08:57,159
can be done with this topic and go

1958
01:08:57,159 --> 01:08:59,755
into a bonus section. Alright. So,

1959
01:09:00,194 --> 01:09:01,015
are we good?

1960
01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:02,054
Sure.

1961
01:09:03,635 --> 01:09:05,015
Keep it kinky, y'all.

1962
01:09:05,715 --> 01:09:07,094
See you next time.

1963
01:09:17,500 --> 01:09:19,600
You asked if we were good. I know.

1964
01:09:20,140 --> 01:09:20,640
Yeah.

1965
01:09:21,579 --> 01:09:23,820
And I then forgot what that means. I

1966
01:09:23,820 --> 01:09:25,739
was, like, just answering the question. Yeah. We're

1967
01:09:25,739 --> 01:09:27,739
good. I'm good. Nothing more to say. I'm

1968
01:09:27,739 --> 01:09:28,239
good.

1969
01:09:29,755 --> 01:09:31,595
Can we talk to the crickets, please? Yes.

1970
01:09:31,595 --> 01:09:32,095
Oh

1971
01:09:32,795 --> 01:09:33,454
my God.

1972
01:09:33,914 --> 01:09:36,155
The comments in the live chat have been

1973
01:09:36,155 --> 01:09:38,494
great. I saw it's already gone

1974
01:09:39,114 --> 01:09:41,130
flying past, but I want to acknowledge it.

1975
01:09:41,369 --> 01:09:43,449
Rah Rah from Pink Kink pointed out that

1976
01:09:43,449 --> 01:09:44,969
Sunny Megatron is the one who said kink

1977
01:09:44,969 --> 01:09:46,969
is customizable, like, first. First time you mentioned

1978
01:09:46,969 --> 01:09:48,590
that. And I'm trying to like,

1979
01:09:49,130 --> 01:09:51,210
I have no doubt that I because I

1980
01:09:51,210 --> 01:09:53,609
follow Sunny in a couple places. I probably

1981
01:09:53,609 --> 01:09:55,425
saw it, didn't clock it, but it, like,

1982
01:09:55,505 --> 01:09:56,484
stuck in my subconscious.

1983
01:09:57,425 --> 01:09:59,104
But I don't have a clear memory of

1984
01:09:59,104 --> 01:10:00,944
going, oh, yeah. I heard Sunny say that.

1985
01:10:00,944 --> 01:10:02,304
I saw that in a post. I don't

1986
01:10:02,304 --> 01:10:03,585
doubt it. I don't doubt it. I'm sure

1987
01:10:03,585 --> 01:10:05,184
that's where I got it. What are you

1988
01:10:05,184 --> 01:10:08,244
looking for? Pounders? In the box labeled pounders?

1989
01:10:08,470 --> 01:10:08,970
Really?

1990
01:10:10,869 --> 01:10:13,050
Geez. Never would have known.

1991
01:10:15,270 --> 01:10:18,649
So what JB is doing right now is,

1992
01:10:19,109 --> 01:10:21,030
somebody asked to see what yellow heart looks

1993
01:10:21,030 --> 01:10:21,530
like.

1994
01:10:22,229 --> 01:10:24,645
So for YouTube folks, he's gonna show that

1995
01:10:24,645 --> 01:10:27,204
off. For podcast listeners, thekinkery.com,

1996
01:10:27,204 --> 01:10:28,645
you will be able to see it. I

1997
01:10:28,645 --> 01:10:30,324
think the pictures I took and the way

1998
01:10:30,324 --> 01:10:32,905
I edited them, it's true to actual color.

1999
01:10:33,045 --> 01:10:35,045
But JB's gonna put it in front of

2000
01:10:35,045 --> 01:10:36,024
the camera.

2001
01:10:37,640 --> 01:10:39,239
But also I my whole thing, I got

2002
01:10:39,239 --> 01:10:40,680
distracted. I wanna give the shout out and

2003
01:10:40,680 --> 01:10:43,000
the credit to Sunny Megatron for being the

2004
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:44,520
one who says that I'm gonna go back

2005
01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:46,520
to that episode and, like, add that credit

2006
01:10:46,520 --> 01:10:48,359
in. Because I knew I knew it came

2007
01:10:48,359 --> 01:10:50,685
to me somehow, but go ahead. Alright.

2008
01:10:52,045 --> 01:10:54,625
And JB is putting the yellow heart

2009
01:10:54,925 --> 01:10:56,765
pounder in front of the camera. For podcast

2010
01:10:56,765 --> 01:10:59,244
listeners, this yellow is like a true fucking

2011
01:10:59,244 --> 01:11:02,364
yellow. Mhmm. Like, there's, like, some shades of

2012
01:11:02,364 --> 01:11:05,550
very pale brown maybe, but it just looks

2013
01:11:05,949 --> 01:11:08,289
super fucking yellow. Yeah. And and

2014
01:11:09,149 --> 01:11:11,170
the the dark spots in the wood,

2015
01:11:11,869 --> 01:11:14,590
they almost look like feathers. They're so You

2016
01:11:14,590 --> 01:11:16,429
called it feathery? Yeah. I I called it

2017
01:11:16,429 --> 01:11:18,189
feathery. That that's the best way I can

2018
01:11:18,189 --> 01:11:21,684
describe it. It's very subtle and swirly. Yeah.

2019
01:11:21,684 --> 01:11:24,804
And feathery. You're right. And soft. That's why

2020
01:11:24,804 --> 01:11:27,045
it reminds me of the image. It's beautiful.

2021
01:11:27,045 --> 01:11:29,125
But, yeah, the color of the wood yeah.

2022
01:11:29,125 --> 01:11:31,524
Yellow for sure. Yeah. The one you picked

2023
01:11:31,524 --> 01:11:33,619
out has a stronger feathering pattern

2024
01:11:34,159 --> 01:11:35,534
on one side. The one I took the

2025
01:11:35,534 --> 01:11:36,720
picture of, because I wanted to show off

2026
01:11:36,720 --> 01:11:38,239
the most yellow Mhmm. Is the one that

2027
01:11:38,239 --> 01:11:40,399
just shows the most yellow and less of

2028
01:11:40,399 --> 01:11:42,320
the feathering. Yeah. So,

2029
01:11:45,844 --> 01:11:48,484
yeah. Yellow heart. So for anybody who's knows

2030
01:11:48,484 --> 01:11:51,284
anything about wood and or has purposely purchased

2031
01:11:51,284 --> 01:11:53,704
from the Kinkery in the past, kinkery.com.

2032
01:11:54,005 --> 01:11:56,404
Yellow heart is to the color yellow that

2033
01:11:56,404 --> 01:11:59,045
purple heart is to the color purple. Purple

2034
01:11:59,045 --> 01:12:01,069
heart is fucking purple. Now every once in

2035
01:12:01,069 --> 01:12:02,270
a while you'll find a cut where there's

2036
01:12:02,270 --> 01:12:04,510
a very strong red undertone and you're like,

2037
01:12:04,510 --> 01:12:06,350
is that a true purple? But sometimes it's

2038
01:12:06,350 --> 01:12:08,689
a true fucking purple. That's a true yellow.

2039
01:12:10,430 --> 01:12:10,930
So

2040
01:12:11,390 --> 01:12:12,270
yeah. That's

2041
01:12:12,989 --> 01:12:15,005
and the other thing I wanna say about

2042
01:12:15,005 --> 01:12:17,824
these fucking pounders is three of the woods,

2043
01:12:18,845 --> 01:12:20,545
and I think it is the

2044
01:12:21,085 --> 01:12:22,145
three of the woods,

2045
01:12:22,524 --> 01:12:24,465
two of them we have two paddles of,

2046
01:12:24,524 --> 01:12:25,984
are fucking heavy.

2047
01:12:26,685 --> 01:12:28,385
If you are a thud person,

2048
01:12:29,789 --> 01:12:32,350
the wenge, which is so dark brown, it's

2049
01:12:32,350 --> 01:12:33,090
almost black,

2050
01:12:33,470 --> 01:12:34,210
the bloodwood

2051
01:12:34,510 --> 01:12:36,350
Uh-huh. And we only have one of them,

2052
01:12:36,350 --> 01:12:39,710
but the rosewood. Yep. They are either almost

2053
01:12:39,710 --> 01:12:42,189
10 ounces or over 10 ounces. Mhmm. That's

2054
01:12:42,189 --> 01:12:44,335
heavy for a paddle that size. For podcast

2055
01:12:44,335 --> 01:12:47,054
listeners, the paddle is 12 inches long, but

2056
01:12:47,054 --> 01:12:49,395
the paddle area is only two inches wide.

2057
01:12:50,094 --> 01:12:51,935
It's three quarters of an inch thick. It's

2058
01:12:51,935 --> 01:12:53,554
the thickest pounders you've made

2059
01:12:53,854 --> 01:12:55,154
in a hot ass minute.

2060
01:12:57,039 --> 01:12:58,560
I would be afraid to have one of

2061
01:12:58,560 --> 01:13:00,800
these heavy fuckers come at me. That's

2062
01:13:01,280 --> 01:13:03,780
because there's gonna be that sharp smack of

2063
01:13:04,320 --> 01:13:07,539
solid, you know, flat surface hitting skin,

2064
01:13:08,079 --> 01:13:09,860
but the weight behind it,

2065
01:13:10,164 --> 01:13:12,645
that'll knock somebody's breath out. I promise you.

2066
01:13:12,645 --> 01:13:13,784
I promise you.

2067
01:13:15,764 --> 01:13:18,804
So yellow heart and we have one called

2068
01:13:18,804 --> 01:13:19,304
Edamoe.

2069
01:13:19,685 --> 01:13:21,204
Edamoe, am I saying that right? I believe

2070
01:13:21,204 --> 01:13:23,625
so. Yeah. They're the two lightest woods, but

2071
01:13:23,685 --> 01:13:24,600
light is,

2072
01:13:26,439 --> 01:13:27,579
I can't think of the word.

2073
01:13:30,119 --> 01:13:31,180
Fuck. There's a word.

2074
01:13:32,680 --> 01:13:34,359
I can't think of the word. Anyway, when

2075
01:13:34,359 --> 01:13:36,280
I say light, I just mean they're lighter

2076
01:13:36,280 --> 01:13:39,715
than these heavier woods. The, yellow heart and

2077
01:13:39,715 --> 01:13:41,475
the edemoe. Edemoe to me is not the

2078
01:13:41,475 --> 01:13:43,795
prettiest wood, but that's a personal preference. I

2079
01:13:43,795 --> 01:13:45,314
know people who have loved when you've had

2080
01:13:45,314 --> 01:13:46,215
edemoe before.

2081
01:13:47,555 --> 01:13:49,954
They are in that sa that weight that

2082
01:13:49,954 --> 01:13:52,710
we classify as the in between where you

2083
01:13:52,710 --> 01:13:54,949
will get a sting, but you will get

2084
01:13:54,949 --> 01:13:55,689
some thud.

2085
01:13:56,630 --> 01:13:58,869
But the the wenge, the bloodwood, and the

2086
01:13:58,869 --> 01:14:02,489
rosewood Mhmm. Would cut. Oh, yeah. That's some

2087
01:14:02,550 --> 01:14:04,869
dang. And if you're like, I will not

2088
01:14:04,869 --> 01:14:06,789
remember which woods if I go to the

2089
01:14:06,789 --> 01:14:08,010
kinkery Com.

2090
01:14:08,765 --> 01:14:12,445
Any paddle listing, any actually, product listing. Paddle

2091
01:14:12,445 --> 01:14:12,945
listing,

2092
01:14:13,324 --> 01:14:15,824
pick the wood down from the drop down,

2093
01:14:16,045 --> 01:14:17,965
scroll down to the bottom of the page.

2094
01:14:17,965 --> 01:14:20,125
There's a tab that says additional information. I

2095
01:14:20,125 --> 01:14:22,465
put the weight in every fucking time.

2096
01:14:23,970 --> 01:14:24,470
So

2097
01:14:25,970 --> 01:14:26,470
Yeah.

2098
01:14:27,250 --> 01:14:29,810
So, yeah, that's, that's the canary Com. I

2099
01:14:29,810 --> 01:14:31,409
think I'm gonna send out an email today

2100
01:14:31,409 --> 01:14:33,570
because I'm I want people to see the

2101
01:14:33,570 --> 01:14:35,090
pounders. I want the people to see the

2102
01:14:35,090 --> 01:14:35,590
pounders.

2103
01:14:36,610 --> 01:14:38,869
But you're also working on other restocks,

2104
01:14:39,885 --> 01:14:41,265
which I'm excited about.

2105
01:14:41,725 --> 01:14:43,505
Mean evil restocks.

2106
01:14:44,765 --> 01:14:46,925
Oh, god. We got on the side. We

2107
01:14:46,925 --> 01:14:48,685
have stayed on and then got on again

2108
01:14:48,685 --> 01:14:51,104
the side of the fucking Instagram algorithm

2109
01:14:51,405 --> 01:14:51,905
of,

2110
01:14:52,399 --> 01:14:54,320
why would anybody do this? Are y'all all

2111
01:14:54,320 --> 01:14:56,320
just sick? I fucking hate you but I'm

2112
01:14:56,320 --> 01:14:58,560
not commenting because I don't have the time

2113
01:14:58,560 --> 01:15:01,439
or energy for your fucking bullshit. Mhmm. I

2114
01:15:01,439 --> 01:15:03,439
would rather people just fucking block us if

2115
01:15:03,439 --> 01:15:04,880
you don't wanna see the kink shit. But

2116
01:15:04,880 --> 01:15:07,119
also, if you would stop commenting on the

2117
01:15:07,119 --> 01:15:09,354
kink shit, guess what would not show on

2118
01:15:09,354 --> 01:15:11,515
your fucking feed. Yeah. You would go away.

2119
01:15:11,515 --> 01:15:13,034
But my favorite, once I figured out the

2120
01:15:13,034 --> 01:15:14,895
reference, it took me I had to Google.

2121
01:15:15,274 --> 01:15:17,994
Are the people who go brick by fucking

2122
01:15:17,994 --> 01:15:20,074
brick, which is they have built their algorithm,

2123
01:15:20,074 --> 01:15:21,969
their feed, brick by brick to see what

2124
01:15:21,969 --> 01:15:23,969
they want. I had to Google it y'all.

2125
01:15:23,969 --> 01:15:26,130
I didn't know what that meant. Wow. I

2126
01:15:26,130 --> 01:15:27,489
I didn't know if I was supposed to

2127
01:15:27,489 --> 01:15:28,310
be annoyed

2128
01:15:29,010 --> 01:15:31,750
or pleased. Right. And so I saw several

2129
01:15:31,969 --> 01:15:33,914
over the past several months, I've seen several

2130
01:15:33,914 --> 01:15:34,414
comments.

2131
01:15:35,194 --> 01:15:36,074
And I was like, what the fuck does

2132
01:15:36,074 --> 01:15:38,715
that mean? I was like, oh, okay. So

2133
01:15:38,715 --> 01:15:41,534
then, again, most one of our most recent

2134
01:15:41,675 --> 01:15:43,854
pieces of content, wrong side of the algorithm,

2135
01:15:44,795 --> 01:15:46,875
but just right enough to see some brick

2136
01:15:46,875 --> 01:15:48,800
by fucking brick y'all. Hell yeah.

2137
01:15:49,820 --> 01:15:51,899
And then we sold out of what was

2138
01:15:51,899 --> 01:15:52,880
in that video.

2139
01:15:55,020 --> 01:15:56,079
God damn it.

2140
01:15:59,899 --> 01:16:00,960
Oh god.

2141
01:16:01,579 --> 01:16:03,065
Oh god. Yeah.

2142
01:16:03,845 --> 01:16:06,164
So yeah. Mhmm. I,

2143
01:16:07,604 --> 01:16:09,525
I'm always happy when you bring a product

2144
01:16:09,525 --> 01:16:11,065
because it makes my promotional

2145
01:16:11,685 --> 01:16:12,824
stuff much easier.

2146
01:16:13,364 --> 01:16:14,025
I know

2147
01:16:15,449 --> 01:16:17,210
because I know from experience and I've, you

2148
01:16:17,210 --> 01:16:20,030
know, tried to learn about this stuff that

2149
01:16:20,810 --> 01:16:22,730
you never just market a product one time

2150
01:16:22,730 --> 01:16:24,250
and be done. You gotta show it off

2151
01:16:24,250 --> 01:16:26,329
in different ways several times because people need

2152
01:16:26,570 --> 01:16:28,329
you know, not everybody's gonna see everything and

2153
01:16:28,329 --> 01:16:30,704
people need to see things multiple times before

2154
01:16:30,704 --> 01:16:32,704
they'll, like, do anything about it unless it's

2155
01:16:32,704 --> 01:16:33,925
something that they're, like,

2156
01:16:34,304 --> 01:16:35,444
actively looking for.

2157
01:16:36,465 --> 01:16:39,024
But I get really, like, ugh. I just

2158
01:16:39,024 --> 01:16:41,685
showed off this fucking paddle four days ago.

2159
01:16:41,904 --> 01:16:44,590
I don't even have anything creative to say.

2160
01:16:44,590 --> 01:16:46,110
I just wanna, like, put one of the

2161
01:16:46,110 --> 01:16:47,789
paddles in front of my fucking phone because

2162
01:16:47,789 --> 01:16:48,989
I use my phone to take pictures and

2163
01:16:48,989 --> 01:16:50,829
go, here it is. This is a paddle.

2164
01:16:50,829 --> 01:16:52,369
Fucking buy it. Like, that's

2165
01:16:56,270 --> 01:16:56,930
oh, god.

2166
01:16:57,765 --> 01:16:58,265
I

2167
01:16:59,524 --> 01:17:02,104
you know, apparently, you can't just do that.

2168
01:17:03,925 --> 01:17:05,064
Oh my god.

2169
01:17:07,925 --> 01:17:10,005
Salads, saying in the live chat, there's no

2170
01:17:10,005 --> 01:17:11,704
episode on routines, but I would've

2171
01:17:12,244 --> 01:17:15,270
been convinced there was. Let me Uh-oh. I

2172
01:17:15,270 --> 01:17:16,970
got my my Google Drive up.

2173
01:17:17,590 --> 01:17:18,570
You will either

2174
01:17:19,109 --> 01:17:21,130
be surprised or not be surprised.

2175
01:17:23,030 --> 01:17:23,430
That

2176
01:17:25,989 --> 01:17:27,074
what am I trying to say?

2177
01:17:27,715 --> 01:17:30,435
Every single episode that we've ever recorded, I

2178
01:17:30,435 --> 01:17:32,595
have the script and the notes for every

2179
01:17:32,595 --> 01:17:34,435
single one. So in my Google Drive, I

2180
01:17:34,435 --> 01:17:36,275
just type in a keyword. I'm like, did

2181
01:17:36,275 --> 01:17:39,635
we do this? Episode two fifty four, ruts,

2182
01:17:39,635 --> 01:17:41,095
routine, and the mundane.

2183
01:17:44,399 --> 01:17:46,399
I think I don't know that we talked

2184
01:17:46,399 --> 01:17:48,239
about them as how to set up a

2185
01:17:48,239 --> 01:17:48,739
routine.

2186
01:17:49,039 --> 01:17:50,020
I'd have to

2187
01:17:50,720 --> 01:17:53,199
teach myself how to talk about how to

2188
01:17:53,199 --> 01:17:54,180
set up a routine

2189
01:17:54,604 --> 01:17:56,204
in a way that might resonate with more

2190
01:17:56,204 --> 01:17:57,185
than just me.

2191
01:17:57,564 --> 01:17:59,564
But we do have episode two fifty four

2192
01:17:59,564 --> 01:18:01,024
where we at least

2193
01:18:01,645 --> 01:18:03,344
talked about them on some level.

2194
01:18:04,204 --> 01:18:04,704
So

2195
01:18:09,409 --> 01:18:11,570
I made myself hot and sweaty. My makeup

2196
01:18:11,570 --> 01:18:13,570
is melting off. We're not done recording for

2197
01:18:13,570 --> 01:18:15,250
the day. I know. No. I know you

2198
01:18:15,250 --> 01:18:17,250
knew that. I was pointing out. I've I

2199
01:18:17,250 --> 01:18:17,750
have

2200
01:18:18,050 --> 01:18:21,225
I'm melting myself actively, and we still have

2201
01:18:21,704 --> 01:18:24,204
more to go. I didn't hold anything back.

2202
01:18:26,824 --> 01:18:28,845
So that next recording for patrons,

2203
01:18:29,225 --> 01:18:31,405
over on Patreon, this is gonna be interesting.

2204
01:18:32,505 --> 01:18:34,345
Well, at least it's not video. It's just

2205
01:18:34,505 --> 01:18:36,489
True. But if I have no voice, and

2206
01:18:36,489 --> 01:18:37,789
I can't think of words,

2207
01:18:38,649 --> 01:18:40,570
I'm sorry if you are a member of

2208
01:18:40,570 --> 01:18:43,130
our Patreon. I'm so, so sorry. Maybe then

2209
01:18:43,130 --> 01:18:44,030
we should go.

2210
01:18:44,570 --> 01:18:46,890
Oh, but I'm enjoying myself. Get get you

2211
01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:48,570
cooled down a little bit, and then we'll

2212
01:18:48,570 --> 01:18:50,090
finish. Let me go sit in a dark

2213
01:18:50,170 --> 01:18:51,164
Yeah. Room by myself.

2214
01:18:52,125 --> 01:18:52,625
Myself?

2215
01:18:53,005 --> 01:18:53,505
Mhmm.

2216
01:18:53,885 --> 01:18:54,385
Under

2217
01:18:54,765 --> 01:18:55,052
the fan in the Oh, and read my

2218
01:18:55,052 --> 01:18:56,524
book. Oh, the book I'm reading is so

2219
01:18:56,524 --> 01:18:57,024
good.

2220
01:18:58,685 --> 01:19:00,704
And I'll do puzzles for a few minutes.

2221
01:19:01,484 --> 01:19:02,704
Okay. K.

2222
01:19:03,405 --> 01:19:05,164
Yeah. I've gotta make sure the kid actually

2223
01:19:05,164 --> 01:19:06,704
ate something. Yeah.

2224
01:19:08,100 --> 01:19:09,640
Yep. Anyway Anyhoo.

2225
01:19:10,340 --> 01:19:12,340
That was all chaotic, but hopefully something good

2226
01:19:12,340 --> 01:19:13,320
came from it.

2227
01:19:14,180 --> 01:19:15,960
I don't know why I get all apologetic

2228
01:19:16,020 --> 01:19:18,820
about being chaotic. I should just fucking embrace

2229
01:19:18,820 --> 01:19:19,274
it.

2230
01:19:20,154 --> 01:19:21,994
I don't know. I don't know. I always

2231
01:19:21,994 --> 01:19:23,755
wanna be After all these years. Yeah. I

2232
01:19:23,755 --> 01:19:26,154
always wanna be sleeker and more put together

2233
01:19:26,154 --> 01:19:29,274
and, you know, whatever than I actually am.

2234
01:19:29,274 --> 01:19:30,015
And I

2235
01:19:30,395 --> 01:19:32,255
I struggle to just embrace

2236
01:19:33,109 --> 01:19:35,369
the mess that I am because

2237
01:19:35,829 --> 01:19:37,829
my perfectionist side says you shouldn't be a

2238
01:19:37,829 --> 01:19:40,090
mess. I'm a fucking mess. I just

2239
01:19:40,789 --> 01:19:42,090
I just need to own it.

2240
01:19:43,909 --> 01:19:45,429
I will say because I meant to say

2241
01:19:45,429 --> 01:19:47,189
it earlier and then forgot, and I'll have

2242
01:19:47,189 --> 01:19:48,555
to say it again next week. But hey,

2243
01:19:48,555 --> 01:19:49,994
if you are willing to stick around to

2244
01:19:49,994 --> 01:19:51,854
the bitter end, you get to know first.

2245
01:19:52,315 --> 01:19:54,715
We have an episode next week, which is

2246
01:19:54,715 --> 01:19:56,255
the May.

2247
01:19:56,395 --> 01:19:58,235
And then we are taking a break the

2248
01:19:58,235 --> 01:20:00,715
following week, which is the week after The

2249
01:20:00,715 --> 01:20:02,875
US Mother's Day. I don't know when The

2250
01:20:02,875 --> 01:20:04,780
UK's Mother's Day is. But US Mother's Day

2251
01:20:04,780 --> 01:20:06,780
is, I believe, May 11, whatever that Sunday

2252
01:20:06,780 --> 01:20:07,280
is.

2253
01:20:07,979 --> 01:20:09,739
My mom will be in town from the

2254
01:20:09,739 --> 01:20:10,960
Thursday before

2255
01:20:11,340 --> 01:20:14,220
to the Thursday after Mother's Day. And I

2256
01:20:14,220 --> 01:20:16,220
don't wanna have to run around worrying about

2257
01:20:16,220 --> 01:20:18,560
recording. But Yeah. I looked at a calendar.

2258
01:20:19,354 --> 01:20:21,034
The Friday when she will have been gone

2259
01:20:21,034 --> 01:20:22,255
because she leaves on Thursday,

2260
01:20:22,795 --> 01:20:24,954
is is that the fifteenth or sixteenth? I

2261
01:20:24,954 --> 01:20:26,475
can't remember the date, but that Friday But

2262
01:20:26,475 --> 01:20:27,835
it will be the night of the hangout.

2263
01:20:27,835 --> 01:20:29,354
It'll be the night of the hangout. So

2264
01:20:29,354 --> 01:20:31,914
there won't be a episode, and there won't

2265
01:20:31,914 --> 01:20:33,590
be a following Monday episode,

2266
01:20:34,210 --> 01:20:35,989
but there will be a Friday night livestream.

2267
01:20:36,369 --> 01:20:38,609
Wow. So we got one more episode in

2268
01:20:38,609 --> 01:20:41,090
this series we're doing. Mhmm. And then we'll

2269
01:20:41,090 --> 01:20:42,770
take our break. And then we might do

2270
01:20:42,770 --> 01:20:44,390
a couple of episodes that are not related

2271
01:20:44,449 --> 01:20:47,525
specifically to the series. But then as topics

2272
01:20:47,585 --> 01:20:49,105
crop up, then I'm like, oh, that fits

2273
01:20:49,105 --> 01:20:50,704
the series. We'll do the series. We'll keep

2274
01:20:50,704 --> 01:20:51,284
it going.

2275
01:20:51,824 --> 01:20:54,704
Yay. Oh. Oh. UK Mother's Day was a

2276
01:20:54,704 --> 01:20:55,925
month ago. Wow. Alright.

2277
01:20:57,585 --> 01:20:59,744
Yeah. I don't pay as much attention to

2278
01:20:59,744 --> 01:21:02,139
my UK, like, connections and friends. Not like

2279
01:21:02,139 --> 01:21:04,139
they're used to. Yeah. Yeah. They're not in

2280
01:21:04,139 --> 01:21:05,659
my my feeds quite as much, so I

2281
01:21:05,659 --> 01:21:07,679
don't keep up with it anymore. Mhmm.

2282
01:21:08,460 --> 01:21:09,279
But also,

2283
01:21:10,460 --> 01:21:13,199
I also forget that their time change happens

2284
01:21:13,835 --> 01:21:15,914
at a different point than our time change.

2285
01:21:15,914 --> 01:21:18,154
There's always, like, a week where The UK

2286
01:21:18,154 --> 01:21:20,234
friends I do, like, connect with most often,

2287
01:21:20,234 --> 01:21:21,755
we don't know what time we're trying to

2288
01:21:21,755 --> 01:21:23,135
talk to them about. Right?

2289
01:21:23,594 --> 01:21:25,515
Somebody's time has changed and we're not in

2290
01:21:25,515 --> 01:21:26,335
sync. But

2291
01:21:26,954 --> 01:21:27,594
yeah. So

2292
01:21:28,395 --> 01:21:28,895
Yeah.

2293
01:21:29,250 --> 01:21:29,750
Anyway.

2294
01:21:30,689 --> 01:21:31,170
So

2295
01:21:31,649 --> 01:21:32,149
Anyway.

2296
01:21:32,689 --> 01:21:34,550
Okay. I'm hot and sweaty. Mhmm.

2297
01:21:35,250 --> 01:21:35,750
Yep.

2298
01:21:36,130 --> 01:21:37,569
Gotta go be a mom before I can

2299
01:21:37,569 --> 01:21:39,010
go be a lump in the bed. There

2300
01:21:39,010 --> 01:21:40,369
you go. Before then, I can come back

2301
01:21:40,369 --> 01:21:42,375
and screech into a microphone. Yep.

2302
01:21:43,015 --> 01:21:45,895
Okay. Okay. Alright. We'll talk to y'all later.

2303
01:21:45,895 --> 01:21:47,335
Thanks for hanging out with us. Thanks for

2304
01:21:47,335 --> 01:21:49,095
being here to the bitter end. Mhmm. Thanks

2305
01:21:49,095 --> 01:21:51,675
for embracing the chaos. Yep. Okay.

2306
01:21:52,055 --> 01:21:53,114
Bye. Bye.