You're listening to loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lortz
here with the one, the only, the man
who is as podcast. Kayla Lourdes here with
the one, the only, the man who is
as bleary eyed as I am, John Brownstone.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. It's already been a long day.
And for us, as a time of recording,
it's only 10:30
in the morning.
It's fine. We we've kept our good humor.
That's all that matters. Mhmm.
That's not what we're talking about this week.
This week, we're answering a question from a
kinkster who feels ready to try DS with
their dominant partner, but the don hasn't responded
to even their direct requests for more.
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Okay. Let's get into the question. I'm 28
and I'm just figuring out that I want
slash need a dominant partner. I've been kind
of kinky in past relationships mostly hair pulling,
choking, light spanking, wrist tied to ankles, but
that has never been enough for me. Me.
I'm now realizing what I'm wanting slash needing
because I met my first Dom.
But is he my Dom? We met on
a dating app. I had a kinky clip
of a chain choker or whatever it's called
on my profile, and he had d s
on his. We both knew that the other
was kinky, and I was excited about that.
It's been two months since we met. He's
acknowledged he wants a nesting partner. He currently
has one play partner that he has scenes
with once a week. I've done so much
reading and watching videos that I feel ready
to be, quote, introduced to something other than
hair pulling and such. We've had sex a
few times. We've tried shibari, which I love,
but I'm still waiting to see his dom
side come out. I'm anxiously waiting for him
to make the first move. I've asked him
point blank what's something we can do to
slowly introduce me into what you like as
a dom. I've never gotten a straight answer,
and nothing has come from it.
I'm starting to wonder if he's a dom,
or is the connection we had gone or
is he just being hesitant slash super fucking
slow with me or something else? I want
to be a sub. I need my Dom
to make the decisions, to give me tasks,
rules, etcetera.
I want to give him control of aspects
of my life so I don't have to
think or worry about everything anymore.
I can just have a few things on
my mind like work, vanilla friends and family
and what I wantneed
and consent to.
I need a Dom who will support and
guide me to be better and to not
let my mind consume me all the time.
I want to be able to focus on
him and his needs when I'm not working.
I need a Dom to help ground me,
make me be in the moment, help me
become who I want and am meant to
be. I've questioned who I am all my
life, and I think this is what I've
been needing. How can I help him acknowledge
and believe me when I say I'm ready?
How can I tell him that I need
him to start being dominant because that's what
I want and need at this point? I've
done the research, and I wanna slowly start
a DS relationship. I know we need to
start small. What is something I can suggest
to him that could truly initiate a new
dynamic or a dynamic
at all?
I I I just wanna start by saying
that I I I like the fact that
she seems to know what They. We don't
know their name. What they
want. Mhmm.
And,
you know, that that in and of itself
is is a good thing. Mhmm. Because not
many people do.
But,
what she's trying to achieve with this person,
I'm just gonna rip the band aid off.
It doesn't sound like he's interested.
Or able or willing Or willing. Yeah. Anything.
Yes. Right. Yes. I
agree.
You know, it it's one of those things.
You you you talk about, you know, you
you're wanting him to step up and and
and show his mom.
If he hasn't done that after all this
talking and and things and, you know, and
what you wanna experience and what you wanna
do and and what you're, you know, willing
to give back,
it it's not looking good. No. I mean,
I if you had not said in your
question, I point blank directly asked, said, whatever,
that would be the first thing I'd say
is how direct have you been. If you've
been direct and this is now going on
for, like, more than a couple of conversations,
I agree with you completely.
Mhmm. Now, depending on
how optimistic you personally are,
maybe you try
one more time. You say, look, I'm ready
for a power exchange with you. I would
like to explore this with you. Mhmm.
You know, let's talk, like, details. How can
we make this happen? And then you pay
attention to their response. If their response is
anything like you've already gotten in the past,
which is maybe some vague promises, maybe some
explicit promises, and then nothing, then you know.
Because here's the thing, there's nothing you need
to quote do to get somebody to do
something. You should be able
to say, hey. This is a thing that
we have a mutual interest in and I
would like to explore it with you. And
then they should be like, hey. Let's talk
about it. Let's try it.
And if
they're hesitant
or nervous or don't quite feel ready, then
they need to use their grown up voice
and tell you that. Because that's the thing.
Even if this person can be cajoled
or, you know, push into being your dom,
do you want a dom who is incapable
of telling you that they are feeling hesitant,
that they are not quite ready?
Great communication skills
immediately from from the get go. It is
a skill we all have to learn. Right.
Learn in practice. Right. A dom that you
want to lead you in the way that
you describe to take the amount of weight
off of you that you describe
has to come into it with some level
of being able to say, hey. This works.
Hey. I don't want this. Hey. Let's talk
about it. Something.
Right now, you are not describing somebody who
wants to be
in a power exchange with you in the
the way you describe that you want a
power exchange. Does that mean that they've been
faking it all along? I don't know. Does
that mean that it's an incompatibility
and what you want is not something they
can give? I don't know. But maybe that's
often very likely where it started out, like,
really interested and everybody was like, oh, this
would be great. And then the more you
start getting into details and talking more about
what each person wants, somebody goes, oh, wait.
Maybe this isn't what I want. Right. It's
also possible that, you know,
this is a person, because this happens, who
uses the language of kink to get easy
sex and doesn't actually want the responsibility
of the power exchange
part.
So
only you can decide if
you've already had enough conversations and it's time
to just cut it off, or if you
wanna try one more time, but I wouldn't
give more than one more time. Yeah. You
Not at all. You have to come to
a point where you say,
you know, how much am I willing to
to to wait on this with this person?
Mhmm. Mhmm. You know? And that that's something
you have to think about. And the thing
to remember is this is not the only
one. It might have taken a while to
find this person, but they are not the
only one. There are other people out there
who are capable of being the dominant you
want and need. And it is much better
to let an incompatible
or a not good or a something that's
not great about this person go
And go and wait to find the person
who can give you what you need and
is willing to grow with you and learn
with you. And maybe they don't come into
it being exactly what you need, but they're
willing to learn new things and try new
things because they want the relationship to work.
You've not mentioned anything in here that tells
me that this dom is like, oh yeah,
I'm invested in the relationship. I'm I, you
know, might not know what I'm doing, but
I'm I'm showing up and I'm here.
I I see I you know,
and that's the other thing I would say,
and this is the thing that came to
mind, and this is not the main point.
I think the main point is exactly what
you said at the beginning.
It doesn't seem like there's anything here. You
can't make somebody do the thing you need
to do. No, you can't. But the thing
the the
secondary possible thing that came to mind is
you're waiting to see his dom side come
out.
Is it possible
that the dom side you're looking for is
not his type of dom? He, in his
mind, thinks he's being his dominant self, and
it doesn't vibe with you. That doesn't make
you wrong. That doesn't make him wrong. It
goes back to an incompatibility.
Right.
Like, if you have you know, I'm impressed
that you have a very clear idea of
what you would like as a submissive. I'm
curious as to how you picture a dominant
being in your head. If there is a
caricature
of, you know, this is what a dominant
is,
and that's
part of how you see being able to
be the submissive you want to be, it
is entirely possible that you are missing the
signs of that person's dominance because it does
not align with how you, you know, you
picture it in your head. I don't think,
like, that my first instinct is not that
that's what this is.
My first instinct is,
you've got a a person who is not
clearly communicating, who is not following up, who
is not you're you're asking point blank and
they're just not giving it to you. And
so, you know, this is not a a
thing that's going any further than wherever you're
at right now.
That's my first instinct. But Mhmm. On the
off chance that it's not that,
maybe it's this other. There's just a a
mismatch of Yeah. How each of you sees
dominance and you're not reading his dominance as
being, you know, impactful for you. And it
it doesn't seem, at at least from what
was was written in the question,
I I don't really
seem to get the feeling that this person
is new to DS,
you know. You mean the dominant? Yeah. Yeah.
No. I didn't get that feeling. You know,
especially since they have a play partner, you
know, that they they meet with. So
from from the outside with what we've, you
know, been given, it doesn't even seem like
they say, well, he's new and and does
not Right. Know he needs to learn,
but that does not seem to be the
case either. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Yeah.
The the thing to keep in mind is
you don't have you should not have to
help a potential or an actual partner
acknowledge
and believe you when you say something. Mhmm.
They might still wanna go slow. They might
be hesitant,
but you don't have to twist yourself in
the knots to go, hey. See me. Believe
me. They need to be
for it to be a partner that's, you
know, gonna have some staying power in a
relationship
you want, they need
to be in it with you and be
like, okay. You know, I still have my
concerns. I'm still uncertain, but you're ready to
go? Let's go. Let's talk about it.
There should be some
similar type of enthusiasm with you to get
started on something, and you can't make that
happen. And quite frankly, if you are not
seeing
a similar level of enthusiasm and we are
not talking outward enthusiasm, but, like, willingness to,
like, let's go in. Let's do this.
I think that's the you're that's the message
that you've gotta pay attention to. Because why
do you want a partner that you have
to drag into this with you? That you
have to convince that you're ready. That you
have to convince to be their dominant self.
Yeah. I I just I think that's Mhmm.
That's setting you up for heartbreak and disappointment.
And whether it's an irresponsible
dom or just an incompatible dom, it's not
fair to either of you. And and, you
know, I'm
I'm
reading this rereading this one part and it's
kinda sticking out. You know, I'm starting to
wonder
if he is a dom or he just
wants to take it slow.
That tells me one thing. There's no communication
coming from the other side.
Right. Right. You should not be having to
wonder about these things. You should be able
to ask questions and And get an answer.
And get an answer. Right. It might be
a little stumbling. It might not be as
confident as it one day could be with,
you know, growing these skills.
Well, you should get an answer. There shouldn't
be a lot of wondering what the other
person is thinking. And this might not be
fair to to the doms of the world,
but especially
coming from the dom. The dom gets to
be in charge and have the power and
have the control and have the responsibility. So
the responsibility is on that dom to be
able to at least say,
this is who I am. This is what
I want. Yes. I can do this with
you. No. I can't do that with you.
Like, the bay that's bare minimum
basics,
especially if they're out there advertising themselves as
a dom. I understand a partner, like, you're
in a a non kink relationship and go,
oh, we're gonna switch this over to kink
and having
a partner who will be the dom but
has
no skills, never done this. I am
more forgiving of their communication hesitation
than somebody who is out here
proclaiming themselves a dom. Well, that that carries
a certain responsibility with it. You don't get
to call yourself a dom and then not
do any of the dom things
that are your responsibility as the dom. Like,
just
no. Especially when you've cleared like, normally, we're
begging subs to please communicate. Please use your
words. Say the thing you want. And this
person sounds like they have.
So I don't have a lot of tolerance
or patience for a self proclaimed dom who
can't at least give some of that back
and be direct and use their big boy
words. Like, no. Not okay. So I think
ultimately what we're saying is
maybe one more conversation. If you were just
like me and that eternal optimist and you
wanna know that you gave it your all,
one more. But if not,
I think you know. I think you can
see the writing on the wall and maybe
you're just, like, not ready
to have to admit it. You know? Because
it it's it's hard and it sucks and
you want a relationship with somebody and
you know? But, yeah, I don't know that
I would waste much more time No. On
this at all if I were you. Agreed.
Mhmm.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
page on our website at lovingBDSM.net,
or you can find the link in the
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