1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,269 You're listening to loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lortz 2 00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:10,719 here with the one, the only, the man 3 00:00:10,901 --> 00:00:14,384 who is as podcast. Kayla Lourdes here with 4 00:00:14,384 --> 00:00:16,625 the one, the only, the man who is 5 00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:18,964 as bleary eyed as I am, John Brownstone. 6 00:00:19,344 --> 00:00:20,564 Uh-huh. Yeah. 7 00:00:22,304 --> 00:00:24,464 Yeah. Yeah. It's already been a long day. 8 00:00:24,464 --> 00:00:26,339 And for us, as a time of recording, 9 00:00:26,420 --> 00:00:27,800 it's only 10:30 10 00:00:28,019 --> 00:00:28,839 in the morning. 11 00:00:30,980 --> 00:00:32,979 It's fine. We we've kept our good humor. 12 00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:34,280 That's all that matters. Mhmm. 13 00:00:34,579 --> 00:00:36,020 That's not what we're talking about this week. 14 00:00:36,020 --> 00:00:37,539 This week, we're answering a question from a 15 00:00:37,539 --> 00:00:39,534 kinkster who feels ready to try DS with 16 00:00:39,534 --> 00:00:42,034 their dominant partner, but the don hasn't responded 17 00:00:42,094 --> 00:00:44,835 to even their direct requests for more. 18 00:00:45,454 --> 00:00:47,454 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 19 00:00:47,454 --> 00:00:49,054 new here, we help kinksters like you have 20 00:00:49,054 --> 00:00:51,534 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast 21 00:00:51,534 --> 00:00:53,054 to your favorite podcast app so you never 22 00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:54,729 miss an episode. And if you'd like us 23 00:00:54,729 --> 00:00:56,809 to answer one of your questions in an 24 00:00:56,809 --> 00:00:57,869 upcoming episode, 25 00:00:58,329 --> 00:01:00,729 you can send your question to us, through 26 00:01:00,729 --> 00:01:03,530 our contact page that's literally labeled ask your 27 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:04,030 questions. 28 00:01:04,409 --> 00:01:06,250 That's available in the show notes, of this 29 00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:07,769 episode, or you can find it on our 30 00:01:07,769 --> 00:01:10,564 website at lovingBDSM.net. 31 00:01:10,944 --> 00:01:13,504 Okay. Let's get into the question. I'm 28 32 00:01:13,504 --> 00:01:15,104 and I'm just figuring out that I want 33 00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:17,424 slash need a dominant partner. I've been kind 34 00:01:17,424 --> 00:01:19,825 of kinky in past relationships mostly hair pulling, 35 00:01:19,825 --> 00:01:22,304 choking, light spanking, wrist tied to ankles, but 36 00:01:22,304 --> 00:01:24,200 that has never been enough for me. Me. 37 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,180 I'm now realizing what I'm wanting slash needing 38 00:01:27,239 --> 00:01:29,260 because I met my first Dom. 39 00:01:30,359 --> 00:01:32,359 But is he my Dom? We met on 40 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,959 a dating app. I had a kinky clip 41 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:35,719 of a chain choker or whatever it's called 42 00:01:35,719 --> 00:01:37,414 on my profile, and he had d s 43 00:01:37,414 --> 00:01:39,254 on his. We both knew that the other 44 00:01:39,254 --> 00:01:41,435 was kinky, and I was excited about that. 45 00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:43,414 It's been two months since we met. He's 46 00:01:43,414 --> 00:01:45,655 acknowledged he wants a nesting partner. He currently 47 00:01:45,655 --> 00:01:47,254 has one play partner that he has scenes 48 00:01:47,254 --> 00:01:49,109 with once a week. I've done so much 49 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,189 reading and watching videos that I feel ready 50 00:01:51,189 --> 00:01:53,829 to be, quote, introduced to something other than 51 00:01:53,829 --> 00:01:55,829 hair pulling and such. We've had sex a 52 00:01:55,829 --> 00:01:58,069 few times. We've tried shibari, which I love, 53 00:01:58,069 --> 00:01:59,829 but I'm still waiting to see his dom 54 00:01:59,829 --> 00:02:02,150 side come out. I'm anxiously waiting for him 55 00:02:02,150 --> 00:02:04,234 to make the first move. I've asked him 56 00:02:04,234 --> 00:02:06,474 point blank what's something we can do to 57 00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:08,715 slowly introduce me into what you like as 58 00:02:08,715 --> 00:02:11,114 a dom. I've never gotten a straight answer, 59 00:02:11,114 --> 00:02:12,895 and nothing has come from it. 60 00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:16,710 I'm starting to wonder if he's a dom, 61 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,629 or is the connection we had gone or 62 00:02:18,629 --> 00:02:21,110 is he just being hesitant slash super fucking 63 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:23,430 slow with me or something else? I want 64 00:02:23,430 --> 00:02:24,950 to be a sub. I need my Dom 65 00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:26,870 to make the decisions, to give me tasks, 66 00:02:26,870 --> 00:02:27,689 rules, etcetera. 67 00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:29,875 I want to give him control of aspects 68 00:02:29,875 --> 00:02:31,235 of my life so I don't have to 69 00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,175 think or worry about everything anymore. 70 00:02:33,474 --> 00:02:34,754 I can just have a few things on 71 00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,594 my mind like work, vanilla friends and family 72 00:02:36,594 --> 00:02:37,735 and what I wantneed 73 00:02:38,275 --> 00:02:39,415 and consent to. 74 00:02:39,795 --> 00:02:41,395 I need a Dom who will support and 75 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,995 guide me to be better and to not 76 00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:44,759 let my mind consume me all the time. 77 00:02:44,819 --> 00:02:46,180 I want to be able to focus on 78 00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:47,879 him and his needs when I'm not working. 79 00:02:47,939 --> 00:02:49,620 I need a Dom to help ground me, 80 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:51,219 make me be in the moment, help me 81 00:02:51,219 --> 00:02:52,819 become who I want and am meant to 82 00:02:52,819 --> 00:02:54,739 be. I've questioned who I am all my 83 00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:56,259 life, and I think this is what I've 84 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,625 been needing. How can I help him acknowledge 85 00:02:58,625 --> 00:03:00,485 and believe me when I say I'm ready? 86 00:03:00,544 --> 00:03:01,745 How can I tell him that I need 87 00:03:01,745 --> 00:03:03,745 him to start being dominant because that's what 88 00:03:03,745 --> 00:03:05,585 I want and need at this point? I've 89 00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,504 done the research, and I wanna slowly start 90 00:03:07,504 --> 00:03:09,264 a DS relationship. I know we need to 91 00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:11,504 start small. What is something I can suggest 92 00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:13,379 to him that could truly initiate a new 93 00:03:13,379 --> 00:03:14,599 dynamic or a dynamic 94 00:03:14,979 --> 00:03:15,639 at all? 95 00:03:21,060 --> 00:03:23,219 I I I just wanna start by saying 96 00:03:23,219 --> 00:03:25,699 that I I I like the fact that 97 00:03:25,699 --> 00:03:28,344 she seems to know what They. We don't 98 00:03:28,344 --> 00:03:29,805 know their name. What they 99 00:03:30,425 --> 00:03:31,405 want. Mhmm. 100 00:03:31,944 --> 00:03:32,425 And, 101 00:03:33,705 --> 00:03:35,625 you know, that that in and of itself 102 00:03:35,625 --> 00:03:37,384 is is a good thing. Mhmm. Because not 103 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,365 many people do. 104 00:03:39,625 --> 00:03:40,125 But, 105 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,389 what she's trying to achieve with this person, 106 00:03:47,849 --> 00:03:49,790 I'm just gonna rip the band aid off. 107 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,710 It doesn't sound like he's interested. 108 00:03:52,730 --> 00:03:55,370 Or able or willing Or willing. Yeah. Anything. 109 00:03:55,370 --> 00:03:56,604 Yes. Right. Yes. I 110 00:03:57,144 --> 00:03:57,644 agree. 111 00:03:58,584 --> 00:04:00,185 You know, it it's one of those things. 112 00:04:00,185 --> 00:04:02,424 You you you talk about, you know, you 113 00:04:02,424 --> 00:04:04,364 you're wanting him to step up and and 114 00:04:04,424 --> 00:04:05,485 and show his mom. 115 00:04:06,664 --> 00:04:08,909 If he hasn't done that after all this 116 00:04:09,069 --> 00:04:10,750 talking and and things and, you know, and 117 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,669 what you wanna experience and what you wanna 118 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,790 do and and what you're, you know, willing 119 00:04:14,790 --> 00:04:15,650 to give back, 120 00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:19,949 it it's not looking good. No. I mean, 121 00:04:19,949 --> 00:04:21,629 I if you had not said in your 122 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,824 question, I point blank directly asked, said, whatever, 123 00:04:24,824 --> 00:04:25,944 that would be the first thing I'd say 124 00:04:25,944 --> 00:04:27,865 is how direct have you been. If you've 125 00:04:27,865 --> 00:04:30,105 been direct and this is now going on 126 00:04:30,105 --> 00:04:32,524 for, like, more than a couple of conversations, 127 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,365 I agree with you completely. 128 00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:37,004 Mhmm. Now, depending on 129 00:04:37,384 --> 00:04:39,540 how optimistic you personally are, 130 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,240 maybe you try 131 00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:43,860 one more time. You say, look, I'm ready 132 00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:46,020 for a power exchange with you. I would 133 00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:48,279 like to explore this with you. Mhmm. 134 00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:51,699 You know, let's talk, like, details. How can 135 00:04:51,699 --> 00:04:53,220 we make this happen? And then you pay 136 00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,794 attention to their response. If their response is 137 00:04:55,794 --> 00:04:57,555 anything like you've already gotten in the past, 138 00:04:57,555 --> 00:05:00,035 which is maybe some vague promises, maybe some 139 00:05:00,035 --> 00:05:03,095 explicit promises, and then nothing, then you know. 140 00:05:03,154 --> 00:05:04,995 Because here's the thing, there's nothing you need 141 00:05:04,995 --> 00:05:07,714 to quote do to get somebody to do 142 00:05:07,714 --> 00:05:09,120 something. You should be able 143 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:11,279 to say, hey. This is a thing that 144 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:12,079 we have a mutual interest in and I 145 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,919 would like to explore it with you. And 146 00:05:13,919 --> 00:05:15,680 then they should be like, hey. Let's talk 147 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:16,979 about it. Let's try it. 148 00:05:17,439 --> 00:05:18,259 And if 149 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,779 they're hesitant 150 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,444 or nervous or don't quite feel ready, then 151 00:05:23,444 --> 00:05:25,865 they need to use their grown up voice 152 00:05:26,165 --> 00:05:28,805 and tell you that. Because that's the thing. 153 00:05:28,805 --> 00:05:30,904 Even if this person can be cajoled 154 00:05:31,685 --> 00:05:34,805 or, you know, push into being your dom, 155 00:05:34,805 --> 00:05:35,425 do you want a dom who is incapable 156 00:05:35,425 --> 00:05:35,544 of telling you that they are feeling hesitant, 157 00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,354 that they are not quite ready? 158 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,740 Great communication skills 159 00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:51,405 immediately from from the get go. It is 160 00:05:51,405 --> 00:05:53,745 a skill we all have to learn. Right. 161 00:05:53,805 --> 00:05:55,965 Learn in practice. Right. A dom that you 162 00:05:55,965 --> 00:05:57,645 want to lead you in the way that 163 00:05:57,645 --> 00:05:59,965 you describe to take the amount of weight 164 00:05:59,965 --> 00:06:01,665 off of you that you describe 165 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,520 has to come into it with some level 166 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,160 of being able to say, hey. This works. 167 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,920 Hey. I don't want this. Hey. Let's talk 168 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,300 about it. Something. 169 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,639 Right now, you are not describing somebody who 170 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:14,699 wants to be 171 00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:17,564 in a power exchange with you in the 172 00:06:17,564 --> 00:06:19,245 the way you describe that you want a 173 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,084 power exchange. Does that mean that they've been 174 00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:23,164 faking it all along? I don't know. Does 175 00:06:23,164 --> 00:06:24,944 that mean that it's an incompatibility 176 00:06:25,324 --> 00:06:26,939 and what you want is not something they 177 00:06:26,939 --> 00:06:29,259 can give? I don't know. But maybe that's 178 00:06:29,259 --> 00:06:32,060 often very likely where it started out, like, 179 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:33,819 really interested and everybody was like, oh, this 180 00:06:33,819 --> 00:06:35,339 would be great. And then the more you 181 00:06:35,339 --> 00:06:37,660 start getting into details and talking more about 182 00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:40,459 what each person wants, somebody goes, oh, wait. 183 00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,495 Maybe this isn't what I want. Right. It's 184 00:06:42,495 --> 00:06:44,274 also possible that, you know, 185 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,654 this is a person, because this happens, who 186 00:06:46,654 --> 00:06:49,214 uses the language of kink to get easy 187 00:06:49,214 --> 00:06:51,235 sex and doesn't actually want the responsibility 188 00:06:51,694 --> 00:06:53,154 of the power exchange 189 00:06:53,615 --> 00:06:54,115 part. 190 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:54,915 So 191 00:06:55,529 --> 00:06:57,629 only you can decide if 192 00:06:58,089 --> 00:07:00,330 you've already had enough conversations and it's time 193 00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:02,089 to just cut it off, or if you 194 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,770 wanna try one more time, but I wouldn't 195 00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:05,689 give more than one more time. Yeah. You 196 00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,290 Not at all. You have to come to 197 00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:08,670 a point where you say, 198 00:07:09,564 --> 00:07:11,645 you know, how much am I willing to 199 00:07:11,645 --> 00:07:13,824 to to wait on this with this person? 200 00:07:13,964 --> 00:07:16,205 Mhmm. Mhmm. You know? And that that's something 201 00:07:16,205 --> 00:07:18,045 you have to think about. And the thing 202 00:07:18,045 --> 00:07:19,805 to remember is this is not the only 203 00:07:19,805 --> 00:07:21,404 one. It might have taken a while to 204 00:07:21,404 --> 00:07:23,165 find this person, but they are not the 205 00:07:23,165 --> 00:07:25,139 only one. There are other people out there 206 00:07:25,139 --> 00:07:27,779 who are capable of being the dominant you 207 00:07:27,779 --> 00:07:30,600 want and need. And it is much better 208 00:07:30,899 --> 00:07:32,360 to let an incompatible 209 00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:36,100 or a not good or a something that's 210 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,959 not great about this person go 211 00:07:38,365 --> 00:07:40,444 And go and wait to find the person 212 00:07:40,444 --> 00:07:42,044 who can give you what you need and 213 00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:43,485 is willing to grow with you and learn 214 00:07:43,485 --> 00:07:45,724 with you. And maybe they don't come into 215 00:07:45,724 --> 00:07:47,564 it being exactly what you need, but they're 216 00:07:47,564 --> 00:07:50,204 willing to learn new things and try new 217 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:53,339 things because they want the relationship to work. 218 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:55,980 You've not mentioned anything in here that tells 219 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:58,060 me that this dom is like, oh yeah, 220 00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,699 I'm invested in the relationship. I'm I, you 221 00:08:00,699 --> 00:08:02,220 know, might not know what I'm doing, but 222 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:03,920 I'm I'm showing up and I'm here. 223 00:08:04,779 --> 00:08:06,240 I I see I you know, 224 00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:08,584 and that's the other thing I would say, 225 00:08:08,584 --> 00:08:09,865 and this is the thing that came to 226 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,504 mind, and this is not the main point. 227 00:08:12,504 --> 00:08:14,024 I think the main point is exactly what 228 00:08:14,024 --> 00:08:15,084 you said at the beginning. 229 00:08:15,384 --> 00:08:17,384 It doesn't seem like there's anything here. You 230 00:08:17,384 --> 00:08:19,464 can't make somebody do the thing you need 231 00:08:19,464 --> 00:08:21,305 to do. No, you can't. But the thing 232 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:21,959 the the 233 00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:26,379 secondary possible thing that came to mind is 234 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,319 you're waiting to see his dom side come 235 00:08:29,319 --> 00:08:29,819 out. 236 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,180 Is it possible 237 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,279 that the dom side you're looking for is 238 00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:37,144 not his type of dom? He, in his 239 00:08:37,144 --> 00:08:40,345 mind, thinks he's being his dominant self, and 240 00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:42,264 it doesn't vibe with you. That doesn't make 241 00:08:42,264 --> 00:08:44,345 you wrong. That doesn't make him wrong. It 242 00:08:44,345 --> 00:08:45,804 goes back to an incompatibility. 243 00:08:46,504 --> 00:08:47,004 Right. 244 00:08:47,464 --> 00:08:50,424 Like, if you have you know, I'm impressed 245 00:08:50,424 --> 00:08:52,899 that you have a very clear idea of 246 00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:55,220 what you would like as a submissive. I'm 247 00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:57,779 curious as to how you picture a dominant 248 00:08:57,779 --> 00:09:00,339 being in your head. If there is a 249 00:09:00,339 --> 00:09:00,839 caricature 250 00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:03,879 of, you know, this is what a dominant 251 00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:04,440 is, 252 00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:05,805 and that's 253 00:09:06,665 --> 00:09:08,504 part of how you see being able to 254 00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:10,825 be the submissive you want to be, it 255 00:09:10,825 --> 00:09:13,225 is entirely possible that you are missing the 256 00:09:13,225 --> 00:09:15,705 signs of that person's dominance because it does 257 00:09:15,705 --> 00:09:17,625 not align with how you, you know, you 258 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,884 picture it in your head. I don't think, 259 00:09:19,889 --> 00:09:22,370 like, that my first instinct is not that 260 00:09:22,370 --> 00:09:23,830 that's what this is. 261 00:09:24,769 --> 00:09:26,549 My first instinct is, 262 00:09:27,330 --> 00:09:28,769 you've got a a person who is not 263 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,250 clearly communicating, who is not following up, who 264 00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:33,250 is not you're you're asking point blank and 265 00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:35,009 they're just not giving it to you. And 266 00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,795 so, you know, this is not a a 267 00:09:36,795 --> 00:09:39,675 thing that's going any further than wherever you're 268 00:09:39,675 --> 00:09:40,575 at right now. 269 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,355 That's my first instinct. But Mhmm. On the 270 00:09:43,355 --> 00:09:45,054 off chance that it's not that, 271 00:09:46,154 --> 00:09:48,154 maybe it's this other. There's just a a 272 00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:50,860 mismatch of Yeah. How each of you sees 273 00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:54,700 dominance and you're not reading his dominance as 274 00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,259 being, you know, impactful for you. And it 275 00:09:57,259 --> 00:09:59,440 it doesn't seem, at at least from what 276 00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:01,519 was was written in the question, 277 00:10:02,465 --> 00:10:03,764 I I don't really 278 00:10:04,465 --> 00:10:06,644 seem to get the feeling that this person 279 00:10:07,185 --> 00:10:08,325 is new to DS, 280 00:10:08,785 --> 00:10:10,945 you know. You mean the dominant? Yeah. Yeah. 281 00:10:10,945 --> 00:10:12,545 No. I didn't get that feeling. You know, 282 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,625 especially since they have a play partner, you 283 00:10:14,625 --> 00:10:16,565 know, that they they meet with. So 284 00:10:18,009 --> 00:10:20,250 from from the outside with what we've, you 285 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,330 know, been given, it doesn't even seem like 286 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,930 they say, well, he's new and and does 287 00:10:23,930 --> 00:10:26,110 not Right. Know he needs to learn, 288 00:10:26,649 --> 00:10:28,170 but that does not seem to be the 289 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,110 case either. Mhmm. Mhmm. 290 00:10:30,735 --> 00:10:31,235 Yeah. 291 00:10:31,695 --> 00:10:34,355 The the thing to keep in mind is 292 00:10:35,054 --> 00:10:37,375 you don't have you should not have to 293 00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:40,034 help a potential or an actual partner 294 00:10:40,414 --> 00:10:40,914 acknowledge 295 00:10:41,294 --> 00:10:44,000 and believe you when you say something. Mhmm. 296 00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:46,700 They might still wanna go slow. They might 297 00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:47,600 be hesitant, 298 00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,700 but you don't have to twist yourself in 299 00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,540 the knots to go, hey. See me. Believe 300 00:10:52,540 --> 00:10:54,620 me. They need to be 301 00:10:55,340 --> 00:10:56,700 for it to be a partner that's, you 302 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,700 know, gonna have some staying power in a 303 00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,200 relationship 304 00:10:59,714 --> 00:11:00,615 you want, they need 305 00:11:00,995 --> 00:11:02,034 to be in it with you and be 306 00:11:02,034 --> 00:11:04,274 like, okay. You know, I still have my 307 00:11:04,274 --> 00:11:07,154 concerns. I'm still uncertain, but you're ready to 308 00:11:07,154 --> 00:11:09,334 go? Let's go. Let's talk about it. 309 00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,095 There should be some 310 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,320 similar type of enthusiasm with you to get 311 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,639 started on something, and you can't make that 312 00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:19,399 happen. And quite frankly, if you are not 313 00:11:19,399 --> 00:11:19,899 seeing 314 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,759 a similar level of enthusiasm and we are 315 00:11:22,759 --> 00:11:25,879 not talking outward enthusiasm, but, like, willingness to, 316 00:11:25,879 --> 00:11:27,820 like, let's go in. Let's do this. 317 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,814 I think that's the you're that's the message 318 00:11:30,814 --> 00:11:33,375 that you've gotta pay attention to. Because why 319 00:11:33,375 --> 00:11:35,054 do you want a partner that you have 320 00:11:35,054 --> 00:11:36,814 to drag into this with you? That you 321 00:11:36,814 --> 00:11:38,574 have to convince that you're ready. That you 322 00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:40,754 have to convince to be their dominant self. 323 00:11:40,975 --> 00:11:43,169 Yeah. I I just I think that's Mhmm. 324 00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:45,990 That's setting you up for heartbreak and disappointment. 325 00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:48,230 And whether it's an irresponsible 326 00:11:48,929 --> 00:11:51,490 dom or just an incompatible dom, it's not 327 00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,330 fair to either of you. And and, you 328 00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:54,164 know, I'm 329 00:11:54,644 --> 00:11:55,144 I'm 330 00:11:55,684 --> 00:11:58,164 reading this rereading this one part and it's 331 00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:00,745 kinda sticking out. You know, I'm starting to 332 00:12:00,964 --> 00:12:01,464 wonder 333 00:12:02,324 --> 00:12:03,605 if he is a dom or he just 334 00:12:03,605 --> 00:12:04,745 wants to take it slow. 335 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,839 That tells me one thing. There's no communication 336 00:12:08,899 --> 00:12:10,120 coming from the other side. 337 00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,339 Right. Right. You should not be having to 338 00:12:12,339 --> 00:12:13,860 wonder about these things. You should be able 339 00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:15,860 to ask questions and And get an answer. 340 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,179 And get an answer. Right. It might be 341 00:12:18,179 --> 00:12:20,054 a little stumbling. It might not be as 342 00:12:20,054 --> 00:12:22,375 confident as it one day could be with, 343 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,315 you know, growing these skills. 344 00:12:24,774 --> 00:12:27,014 Well, you should get an answer. There shouldn't 345 00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:28,934 be a lot of wondering what the other 346 00:12:28,934 --> 00:12:31,414 person is thinking. And this might not be 347 00:12:31,414 --> 00:12:33,639 fair to to the doms of the world, 348 00:12:33,639 --> 00:12:34,460 but especially 349 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,840 coming from the dom. The dom gets to 350 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,279 be in charge and have the power and 351 00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:40,840 have the control and have the responsibility. So 352 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,160 the responsibility is on that dom to be 353 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,700 able to at least say, 354 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:46,759 this is who I am. This is what 355 00:12:46,759 --> 00:12:48,595 I want. Yes. I can do this with 356 00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:49,954 you. No. I can't do that with you. 357 00:12:49,954 --> 00:12:51,815 Like, the bay that's bare minimum 358 00:12:52,274 --> 00:12:52,774 basics, 359 00:12:53,554 --> 00:12:55,954 especially if they're out there advertising themselves as 360 00:12:55,954 --> 00:12:58,434 a dom. I understand a partner, like, you're 361 00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:00,274 in a a non kink relationship and go, 362 00:13:00,274 --> 00:13:02,269 oh, we're gonna switch this over to kink 363 00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:03,009 and having 364 00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:05,389 a partner who will be the dom but 365 00:13:05,389 --> 00:13:05,889 has 366 00:13:06,190 --> 00:13:09,409 no skills, never done this. I am 367 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,850 more forgiving of their communication hesitation 368 00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:14,769 than somebody who is out here 369 00:13:15,225 --> 00:13:18,105 proclaiming themselves a dom. Well, that that carries 370 00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:20,345 a certain responsibility with it. You don't get 371 00:13:20,345 --> 00:13:22,105 to call yourself a dom and then not 372 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,044 do any of the dom things 373 00:13:24,664 --> 00:13:27,464 that are your responsibility as the dom. Like, 374 00:13:27,464 --> 00:13:27,964 just 375 00:13:28,745 --> 00:13:31,370 no. Especially when you've cleared like, normally, we're 376 00:13:31,370 --> 00:13:34,490 begging subs to please communicate. Please use your 377 00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:36,649 words. Say the thing you want. And this 378 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,429 person sounds like they have. 379 00:13:38,809 --> 00:13:40,649 So I don't have a lot of tolerance 380 00:13:40,649 --> 00:13:43,610 or patience for a self proclaimed dom who 381 00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:45,815 can't at least give some of that back 382 00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:48,274 and be direct and use their big boy 383 00:13:48,274 --> 00:13:51,315 words. Like, no. Not okay. So I think 384 00:13:51,315 --> 00:13:53,095 ultimately what we're saying is 385 00:13:54,195 --> 00:13:56,035 maybe one more conversation. If you were just 386 00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,875 like me and that eternal optimist and you 387 00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:00,535 wanna know that you gave it your all, 388 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:02,480 one more. But if not, 389 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:06,559 I think you know. I think you can 390 00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,539 see the writing on the wall and maybe 391 00:14:08,539 --> 00:14:10,079 you're just, like, not ready 392 00:14:11,179 --> 00:14:12,779 to have to admit it. You know? Because 393 00:14:12,779 --> 00:14:14,620 it it's it's hard and it sucks and 394 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:16,335 you want a relationship with somebody and 395 00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:18,815 you know? But, yeah, I don't know that 396 00:14:18,815 --> 00:14:21,615 I would waste much more time No. On 397 00:14:21,615 --> 00:14:23,875 this at all if I were you. Agreed. 398 00:14:24,095 --> 00:14:24,595 Mhmm. 399 00:14:25,695 --> 00:14:27,295 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 400 00:14:27,295 --> 00:14:28,815 a episode. If you want us to answer 401 00:14:28,815 --> 00:14:30,629 one of your questions, just use the contact 402 00:14:30,629 --> 00:14:33,029 page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, 403 00:14:33,029 --> 00:14:34,230 or you can find the link in the 404 00:14:34,230 --> 00:14:35,990 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 405 00:14:35,990 --> 00:14:38,309 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 406 00:14:38,309 --> 00:14:40,070 do this podcast and keep it going and 407 00:14:40,070 --> 00:14:42,710 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 408 00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:44,084 like to be part of our community and 409 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,004 get access to extra content and a Discord 410 00:14:46,004 --> 00:14:47,684 server with a group of super cool, super 411 00:14:47,684 --> 00:14:49,605 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 412 00:14:49,605 --> 00:14:51,764 us at patreon.com/kaylalords. 413 00:14:51,764 --> 00:14:54,404 That's patreon.com/kaylalords, 414 00:14:54,404 --> 00:14:56,024 or use the link in the show notes.