You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords
here with the one, the only,
the I mean, technically, you're a grumpy daddy,
but you're also a very sweet daddy, and
I love you very much, John Brownstone. Wow.
And I didn't say that because I've done
anything wrong.
You hear about that?
Yes. Quite positive.
Positive. I am way too anxious to be
walking around knowing I've done something I'm not
supposed to and not having brought it up
or already been caught. That's just not that's
not how I'm wired.
That's not at all what we're talking about
this week. Nope. This week, we're answering a
question from a kinkster whose partner has twice
done something they've been asked not to do,
and now they're wondering, is this a red
flag or if they're overreacting due to past
trauma?
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Okay. Let's get into the question.
I'm in a three year daddy dom DS
relationship with my boyfriend.
Protective, looks after me, and is supportive and
encouraging in every aspect of my life, both
in kink and vanilla life. He has ADHD,
and this is something we both work within
the relationship to accommodate.
A few months ago, he playfully tapped my
cheek in conversation. This wasn't done out of
anger, but it made me feel uncomfortable and
I addressed this with him. I also work
with neurodivergent children and sometimes when they're overstimulated,
they will tap or squeeze as a way
to self regulate. And that is what this
felt like to me even in the moment
it happened. I addressed it with my boyfriend
in a very casual, vague way and he
agreed that he wouldn't do it again. Later
that day when we were relaxing, he got
up and told me to get up too
to start the day as he had a
fun date planned and he playfully reached out
and tapped my cheek again. I was very
upset by this, and we spoke, and he
apologized and reassured me that it won't happen
again and that he did it impulsively and
out of habit as he is very playful
with play fighting with friends and family, which
I have witnessed.
In the past, when a boundary has been
breached, he has been very respectful. And over
the past two months, every time I've brought
this up in an anxious moment, he has
given me space to talk it through and
also encouraged me to talk to my mom
if that would help me feel more comfortable.
I have a history of trauma, which he
has been helping me to gradually work through.
My question, is this a red flag? I
don't wanna break up with him as I
love him, but I also worry that he
may be saying all the right things, but
this will happen again and lead to something
worse. Am I letting my past trauma impact
my present relationship?
I don't really
I I don't know.
Don't really see it as a red flag,
I don't think. I think I would see
it if it hadn't happened
the same day,
like, you just talked about it. Mhmm. You
know this person is impulsive. They you know?
Yeah. You this person has experience working with
other people who are neurodivergent,
so they see a lot of things.
If it never happened again after
this moment Mhmm.
I'm inclined to say it's probably not a
red flag with caveats of but there's other
things to consider and questions to answer for
yourself.
But if it
continuously
came back up again and each time the
same excuse, that's absolutely
a red flag. Even if the
tapping is not the red flag, the
unwillingness to do whatever is necessary to teach
yourself a new habit, yes, that is harder
when you're neurodivergent.
And and I was just gonna say, you
know, be because of the fact that this
person
is ADHD,
you know, and
we we both kinda know from dealing with
our oldest, you know, how things can, you
know Absolutely. Say something one minute and it's
gone the next. Right. You know, on until
find a way to work
work it out to make it a permanent
thing. Right. But the difference is when somebody
is a child Mhmm. It is incumbent on
the caregivers and parents to help them develop
that habit. When
incumbent on the caregivers and parents to help
them develop that habit.
When you are a an adult who is
trying to live a responsible life, you can
absolutely
ask for and accept help from outsiders to
help you change those. There's gotta be something
within you that is like, what do I
have to figure out for myself so that
I make sure I don't do this? You
will still screw it up. You will still
forget because that's just a little bit how
of the neurodivergent brain works, but there has
to be a willingness within you to go,
what are the steps and methods I have
to do to not do this thing that
is a literal boundary of a partner I
care about?
You know, it's one thing to go, oh
my gosh. I did that,
because I was feeling impulsive, because I was
playful, and I didn't realize. I will even
accept later the same day because it the
the synapse we've
not correct
connected the neurons there. Right? Like, there's no
pathway to remember that yet.
So
I, from the outside looking in, would personally
go, yeah. It's probably okay. Second time in
the same day.
But then the next question I would ask
you as the person to experience is, what
did your partner do after that to do
their very best to to make sure they
never forgot again? They write it on their
hand. They put a sticky note on a
mirror. Did they check like, what did they
do to try to make better
decisions until they could remember and it not
be an impulsive thing anymore? Right? Because here's
the thing. Yes. For
folks who are neurodivergent
and so brains are wired differently, habits form
differently,
being impulsive is a thing for some folks
and you have to
those are the reasons that sometimes
we do the things we do, but we
don't get to use that as an excuse
to never change our behavior
in a way that makes, you know, us
safer for our partner and have a happier
healthier relationship. Right? It can be the reason
you struggle with
the
grown ass adult who wants to respect boundaries
in your relationship,
kinky or otherwise, to figure out what you're
gonna have to do to not do that
thing anymore. And that is the thing I
would tell somebody, like this specific person and
anybody else who's kind of in this situation,
how does this person person and anybody else
who's kind of in this situation.
How does this person handle changing their behavior?
If every time they forget, they just shrug
and go, well, you know me. I got
ADHD. I can't help it. That's a red
flag. That that is a different story than
that. Yeah. If they
never again did that
and and, not or, and,
anytime
after that about anything else, you went, oh,
no. I'm not good with that. That's that's
I don't want you to cross that boundary.
I don't I don't accept that
treatment, behavior, action, whatever,
they did their best to correct it and
to never do it again, then I don't
think you're dealing with a red flag. It's
about it's not just action in the moment,
it's patterns
of behavior. What are they doing every time
you have to tell them no, I don't
really like that. Right? What are they doing
every time they figure out they need to
change their behavior in some way and not
let their impulse guide them all the time?
What are they doing to
make it so that they can stay within
your boundaries and live with the reality that
they're they're gonna be impulsive and they're gonna
forget, and it's harder to form habits
as somebody with ADHD
than a neurotypical person. What are they doing?
That's the thing that would tell me is
this a red flag or not.
Go ahead.
I mean, you know, that that is a
good point that you brought up.
You know, if if if
and and see, I guess that's why it
doesn't really
go into it. If the person is making
an effort
Mhmm. You know, to to do something about
it, yeah, that that's that's important. And that
effort being not actually doing it. Right? Like,
it's not effort
if the third time they reach out and
just kind of go, oh, my my bad,
and then the fourth time they're like, you
know, I'm like, what what is the active
effort? The effort does matter, I think. True.
True.
You know, but at at the same time,
you know, seeing somebody make an effort
rather than just, you know, like you said,
and I thought it was funny because
the way you said it, but, you know,
turning around saying, oh, you know, I've got
ADHD. I can't, you know,
that that is just, you know, not taking
responsibility.
Right. And that would be the thing I
would say to this person. Yeah. Does your
partner take responsibility not just for that action,
but other things that y'all had to work
through? This can't possibly be the only thing
you've ever had to through. It might be
the thing
that hits
closest to the triggers you have because of
your past trauma. Now, here's the thing: are
you seeing this through a specific lens because
of past trauma? Hell yeah, you are. You
went through what you went through, and it
never completely goes away,
And, you know, hopefully you're you've worked with
a therapist, you've you've done whatever you need
to do to get yourself to a place
where you're, like, you know, doing the best
you can and you've kind of worked through
some of that. Let me remind you, we
don't ever ever go over, around, or under.
We gotta go through it. Right? Mhmm.
But that doesn't mean that these that things
that happen won't absolutely
hit on the triggers from your past trauma.
Right? Right.
So then that's my other question to you.
How much of your current partner's behavior
hits your triggers and what does he do
about that? If if you are
in some way, and I don't want to
say every three months, every six months, I
don't know what the timeline is, but if
you are consistently enough, based on your personal
preferences,
being triggered by your partner's behavior,
and it's sort of simply explained away, but
then there's always another one and there's always
another one,
I'm gonna have questions for you about whether
this is a genuinely a good relationship
for you. Now that doesn't mean and I
don't say that to mean that a partner
can never trigger us because of a a
past,
thing we've gone through and trauma from our
past, it will happen. JB and I have
been together Mhmm. For twelve years and still
to this day, every once in a while,
I'm like, oh. There there is something that,
yeah, pops up. But I am also aware
of my triggers, and I know I can
talk to him about them. And
he has gotten better and I have gotten
better. Like, my biggest trigger is a loud
voice, whether it's raised at me or at
someone else. JB is aware of that. So
he does he takes extra precautions
not to do the thing.
I have an understanding in my mind that
I can be triggered and then also once
I calm down I can look at it
and go but was that directed at me
And that or was that something else? And
that is a job for me because coming
from an Italian family,
people who are naturally loud. Right. So if
you're thinking about, oh oh, yes. My partner
has triggered me in the past. Okay. Were
was that behavior,
directed at you? Or was it because you're
triggered by just certain things that humans sometimes
do?
And or
were you have you been triggered by a
partner's behavior enough, whatever your definition of enough
is, even if it wasn't directed at you,
but they directed at other people and you're
like, wait. If you'll treat other people like
this, will you treat me like you see
what I'm saying? There's there's a delicate balance.
There's no black or white answer,
and we all have to kind of decide
on our own
limit of what we're like, okay that that's
okay. I I'm good with this. This doesn't
feel dangerous to me. I don't I'm not
scared to be here versus
I'm watching my partner genuinely try to do
better, but I know they're human and sometimes
they're gonna mess up. What is this how
much of the sometimes is too much versus
not enough. Right?
My personal thing is if it's a thing
that I so very rarely see from JB,
and I know
that I can easily make him aware of
it and he will apologize, he'll try to
remember for next time, he will and but
it's not a consistent thing that I'm constantly
dealing with, then I'm
I'm not looking at him going, I can't
believe you triggered me. I can't believe you
did that thing that took me back to
past trauma. I'm going, oh, okay. Let's let's
work around this. However,
if I had told him years ago, wait.
Every time you get loud like that, I
really struggle with it. And then he
kept purposely or just was unwilling to think
about it being as loud or getting louder
and going, what? I didn't wasn't yelling at
you. Yeah. Now that's a problem. Right? So
there's degrees of this. There's Yeah. Nuance to
it. It's really about your
personal sense of safety and asking yourself those
questions. How does my partner,
you know, respond? Did they ever do this
to me? And you're talking about it happening
twice in one day. Okay. What happened the
next day and the next day and the
next day? How do they handle it when
you're like, hey. Please don't do that. How
often are you going, hey. No. I'm not
okay with that behavior. Like, those kinds of
things I think
will give you a better sense
of is this one thing a red flag
or not. But, also, let's just acknowledge your
past trauma is absolutely impacting this. And it
just means Oh, yeah. That you're more aware
you have
damn good reason to be more
anxious or uncertain or look closer at, you
know, behavior.
Yes. It can mean that maybe you overreact
a little bit, but quite frankly, if this
partner is as good with you and is
trying to work with you as much as
possible on, you know, moving through that past
trauma as you say, then
they will most likely they should, to some
degree, be very understanding of that and going,
yeah. You you've gone through it and you,
you know, we're we're still experiencing this together,
and I'm here for you. And what can
I do to make it better? And I
think it's not just one thing, but it's
a lot of things. Yeah.
Mhmm. I mean, every once in a while,
yeah, somebody walks in, and it's like their
red flag is, like, on one of those,
like, potato launcher things and they're launching them
left, right, and center and there's no doubt
to the outside observer Correct. Oh my god,
this is awful.
And then there's times when it's more subtle
and, yeah, you have to weigh these things.
Right. And I'll say this, somebody else's that's
an unacceptable red flag I'm breaking up immediately,
can be somebody else's
maybe
it's bad behavior. Maybe it's ADHD, and they're
trying and they're learning.
Only you can decide where your line is.
And if this partner has not crossed that
line for you since this incident
and they weren't crossing that line for you
multiple times prior to this incident,
you know,
from the outside looking in with zero additional
context, I go, man, you're probably fine, but
only you get to decide that for yourself.
So I don't know how much that helps
or not, though.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
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