1 00:00:11,599 --> 00:00:14,160 You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords 2 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,765 here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:16,324 --> 00:00:18,085 the I mean, technically, you're a grumpy daddy, 4 00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,445 but you're also a very sweet daddy, and 5 00:00:19,445 --> 00:00:21,524 I love you very much, John Brownstone. Wow. 6 00:00:21,524 --> 00:00:22,804 And I didn't say that because I've done 7 00:00:22,804 --> 00:00:23,625 anything wrong. 8 00:00:26,804 --> 00:00:27,945 You hear about that? 9 00:00:28,439 --> 00:00:29,660 Yes. Quite positive. 10 00:00:30,679 --> 00:00:33,159 Positive. I am way too anxious to be 11 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:35,719 walking around knowing I've done something I'm not 12 00:00:35,719 --> 00:00:38,439 supposed to and not having brought it up 13 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,079 or already been caught. That's just not that's 14 00:00:41,079 --> 00:00:42,140 not how I'm wired. 15 00:00:43,524 --> 00:00:45,204 That's not at all what we're talking about 16 00:00:45,204 --> 00:00:46,725 this week. Nope. This week, we're answering a 17 00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:48,965 question from a kinkster whose partner has twice 18 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,204 done something they've been asked not to do, 19 00:00:51,204 --> 00:00:53,604 and now they're wondering, is this a red 20 00:00:53,604 --> 00:00:56,460 flag or if they're overreacting due to past 21 00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:56,960 trauma? 22 00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,659 Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're 23 00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:01,179 new here, we help kinksters like you have 24 00:01:01,179 --> 00:01:03,739 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast 25 00:01:03,739 --> 00:01:05,260 to your favorite podcast app so you never 26 00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:06,939 miss an episode. And if you have a 27 00:01:06,939 --> 00:01:08,459 question that you'd like us to answer, you 28 00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:09,840 can submit that to us, 29 00:01:10,299 --> 00:01:12,454 at a link that we literally labeled ask 30 00:01:12,454 --> 00:01:14,135 your questions. You'll find that in the show 31 00:01:14,135 --> 00:01:16,534 notes of this episode or on our website 32 00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:18,295 at lovingBDSM.net. 33 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:21,034 That's lovingBDSM.net. 34 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,795 Okay. Let's get into the question. 35 00:01:23,174 --> 00:01:25,334 I'm in a three year daddy dom DS 36 00:01:25,334 --> 00:01:26,400 relationship with my boyfriend. 37 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,480 Protective, looks after me, and is supportive and 38 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,880 encouraging in every aspect of my life, both 39 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,380 in kink and vanilla life. He has ADHD, 40 00:01:35,439 --> 00:01:37,040 and this is something we both work within 41 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,420 the relationship to accommodate. 42 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:40,719 A few months ago, he playfully tapped my 43 00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:42,935 cheek in conversation. This wasn't done out of 44 00:01:42,935 --> 00:01:45,174 anger, but it made me feel uncomfortable and 45 00:01:45,174 --> 00:01:47,174 I addressed this with him. I also work 46 00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:49,915 with neurodivergent children and sometimes when they're overstimulated, 47 00:01:50,135 --> 00:01:51,575 they will tap or squeeze as a way 48 00:01:51,575 --> 00:01:53,655 to self regulate. And that is what this 49 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,415 felt like to me even in the moment 50 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,670 it happened. I addressed it with my boyfriend 51 00:01:57,670 --> 00:01:59,829 in a very casual, vague way and he 52 00:01:59,829 --> 00:02:01,909 agreed that he wouldn't do it again. Later 53 00:02:01,909 --> 00:02:03,670 that day when we were relaxing, he got 54 00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:05,030 up and told me to get up too 55 00:02:05,030 --> 00:02:06,229 to start the day as he had a 56 00:02:06,229 --> 00:02:08,469 fun date planned and he playfully reached out 57 00:02:08,469 --> 00:02:10,665 and tapped my cheek again. I was very 58 00:02:10,665 --> 00:02:12,504 upset by this, and we spoke, and he 59 00:02:12,504 --> 00:02:14,504 apologized and reassured me that it won't happen 60 00:02:14,504 --> 00:02:16,665 again and that he did it impulsively and 61 00:02:16,665 --> 00:02:18,365 out of habit as he is very playful 62 00:02:18,425 --> 00:02:20,344 with play fighting with friends and family, which 63 00:02:20,344 --> 00:02:21,245 I have witnessed. 64 00:02:23,305 --> 00:02:25,064 In the past, when a boundary has been 65 00:02:25,064 --> 00:02:26,980 breached, he has been very respectful. And over 66 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,419 the past two months, every time I've brought 67 00:02:28,419 --> 00:02:30,659 this up in an anxious moment, he has 68 00:02:30,659 --> 00:02:32,340 given me space to talk it through and 69 00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:33,939 also encouraged me to talk to my mom 70 00:02:33,939 --> 00:02:35,800 if that would help me feel more comfortable. 71 00:02:36,180 --> 00:02:37,780 I have a history of trauma, which he 72 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:39,764 has been helping me to gradually work through. 73 00:02:40,164 --> 00:02:42,724 My question, is this a red flag? I 74 00:02:42,724 --> 00:02:44,004 don't wanna break up with him as I 75 00:02:44,004 --> 00:02:45,365 love him, but I also worry that he 76 00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:47,784 may be saying all the right things, but 77 00:02:47,925 --> 00:02:49,844 this will happen again and lead to something 78 00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:52,405 worse. Am I letting my past trauma impact 79 00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:53,730 my present relationship? 80 00:02:57,629 --> 00:02:58,770 I don't really 81 00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:00,370 I I don't know. 82 00:03:01,230 --> 00:03:02,830 Don't really see it as a red flag, 83 00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:04,670 I don't think. I think I would see 84 00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:06,210 it if it hadn't happened 85 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,165 the same day, 86 00:03:08,544 --> 00:03:10,865 like, you just talked about it. Mhmm. You 87 00:03:10,865 --> 00:03:12,865 know this person is impulsive. They you know? 88 00:03:12,865 --> 00:03:15,665 Yeah. You this person has experience working with 89 00:03:15,665 --> 00:03:16,884 other people who are neurodivergent, 90 00:03:17,185 --> 00:03:18,405 so they see a lot of things. 91 00:03:18,705 --> 00:03:21,044 If it never happened again after 92 00:03:21,629 --> 00:03:23,090 this moment Mhmm. 93 00:03:23,389 --> 00:03:26,189 I'm inclined to say it's probably not a 94 00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,270 red flag with caveats of but there's other 95 00:03:28,270 --> 00:03:30,270 things to consider and questions to answer for 96 00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:30,770 yourself. 97 00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:32,530 But if it 98 00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:33,490 continuously 99 00:03:33,870 --> 00:03:35,735 came back up again and each time the 100 00:03:35,735 --> 00:03:37,354 same excuse, that's absolutely 101 00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:39,594 a red flag. Even if the 102 00:03:39,974 --> 00:03:42,555 tapping is not the red flag, the 103 00:03:42,854 --> 00:03:45,495 unwillingness to do whatever is necessary to teach 104 00:03:45,495 --> 00:03:48,090 yourself a new habit, yes, that is harder 105 00:03:48,090 --> 00:03:49,150 when you're neurodivergent. 106 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:50,969 And and I was just gonna say, you 107 00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:52,969 know, be because of the fact that this 108 00:03:52,969 --> 00:03:53,469 person 109 00:03:53,930 --> 00:03:54,830 is ADHD, 110 00:03:55,530 --> 00:03:56,430 you know, and 111 00:03:57,050 --> 00:03:59,530 we we both kinda know from dealing with 112 00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:02,284 our oldest, you know, how things can, you 113 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,444 know Absolutely. Say something one minute and it's 114 00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:06,944 gone the next. Right. You know, on until 115 00:04:07,885 --> 00:04:09,745 find a way to work 116 00:04:10,205 --> 00:04:12,145 work it out to make it a permanent 117 00:04:12,444 --> 00:04:14,525 thing. Right. But the difference is when somebody 118 00:04:14,525 --> 00:04:14,882 is a child Mhmm. It is incumbent on 119 00:04:14,882 --> 00:04:14,920 the caregivers and parents to help them develop 120 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:15,745 that habit. When 121 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:18,580 incumbent on the caregivers and parents to help 122 00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:19,879 them develop that habit. 123 00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:22,259 When you are a an adult who is 124 00:04:22,259 --> 00:04:24,180 trying to live a responsible life, you can 125 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:24,680 absolutely 126 00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:27,620 ask for and accept help from outsiders to 127 00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:29,460 help you change those. There's gotta be something 128 00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:31,335 within you that is like, what do I 129 00:04:31,335 --> 00:04:33,415 have to figure out for myself so that 130 00:04:33,415 --> 00:04:35,335 I make sure I don't do this? You 131 00:04:35,335 --> 00:04:37,654 will still screw it up. You will still 132 00:04:37,654 --> 00:04:39,895 forget because that's just a little bit how 133 00:04:39,895 --> 00:04:42,375 of the neurodivergent brain works, but there has 134 00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:44,395 to be a willingness within you to go, 135 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,819 what are the steps and methods I have 136 00:04:46,819 --> 00:04:48,740 to do to not do this thing that 137 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:50,659 is a literal boundary of a partner I 138 00:04:50,659 --> 00:04:51,399 care about? 139 00:04:52,019 --> 00:04:54,099 You know, it's one thing to go, oh 140 00:04:54,099 --> 00:04:55,319 my gosh. I did that, 141 00:04:56,259 --> 00:04:58,194 because I was feeling impulsive, because I was 142 00:04:58,194 --> 00:05:00,275 playful, and I didn't realize. I will even 143 00:05:00,275 --> 00:05:03,314 accept later the same day because it the 144 00:05:03,314 --> 00:05:04,455 the synapse we've 145 00:05:05,074 --> 00:05:05,795 not correct 146 00:05:06,835 --> 00:05:08,995 connected the neurons there. Right? Like, there's no 147 00:05:08,995 --> 00:05:10,529 pathway to remember that yet. 148 00:05:11,490 --> 00:05:11,990 So 149 00:05:12,449 --> 00:05:14,290 I, from the outside looking in, would personally 150 00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:16,290 go, yeah. It's probably okay. Second time in 151 00:05:16,290 --> 00:05:17,189 the same day. 152 00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,370 But then the next question I would ask 153 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:22,290 you as the person to experience is, what 154 00:05:22,290 --> 00:05:24,529 did your partner do after that to do 155 00:05:24,529 --> 00:05:25,865 their very best to to make sure they 156 00:05:25,865 --> 00:05:27,944 never forgot again? They write it on their 157 00:05:27,944 --> 00:05:29,384 hand. They put a sticky note on a 158 00:05:29,384 --> 00:05:31,305 mirror. Did they check like, what did they 159 00:05:31,305 --> 00:05:33,644 do to try to make better 160 00:05:34,104 --> 00:05:36,345 decisions until they could remember and it not 161 00:05:36,345 --> 00:05:38,745 be an impulsive thing anymore? Right? Because here's 162 00:05:38,745 --> 00:05:40,125 the thing. Yes. For 163 00:05:40,639 --> 00:05:41,939 folks who are neurodivergent 164 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,360 and so brains are wired differently, habits form 165 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:45,860 differently, 166 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,279 being impulsive is a thing for some folks 167 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:50,339 and you have to 168 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,980 those are the reasons that sometimes 169 00:05:54,235 --> 00:05:56,794 we do the things we do, but we 170 00:05:56,794 --> 00:05:58,654 don't get to use that as an excuse 171 00:05:59,115 --> 00:06:00,814 to never change our behavior 172 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,294 in a way that makes, you know, us 173 00:06:03,435 --> 00:06:05,294 safer for our partner and have a happier 174 00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:06,341 healthier relationship. Right? It can be the reason 175 00:06:06,341 --> 00:06:06,894 you struggle with 176 00:06:08,154 --> 00:06:08,519 the 177 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,079 grown ass adult who wants to respect boundaries 178 00:06:13,079 --> 00:06:14,459 in your relationship, 179 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,319 kinky or otherwise, to figure out what you're 180 00:06:17,319 --> 00:06:19,879 gonna have to do to not do that 181 00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:22,039 thing anymore. And that is the thing I 182 00:06:22,039 --> 00:06:23,319 would tell somebody, like this specific person and 183 00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:23,576 anybody else who's kind of in this situation, 184 00:06:23,576 --> 00:06:25,105 how does this person person and anybody else 185 00:06:25,105 --> 00:06:26,324 who's kind of in this situation. 186 00:06:27,105 --> 00:06:30,165 How does this person handle changing their behavior? 187 00:06:30,384 --> 00:06:32,464 If every time they forget, they just shrug 188 00:06:32,464 --> 00:06:33,985 and go, well, you know me. I got 189 00:06:33,985 --> 00:06:36,545 ADHD. I can't help it. That's a red 190 00:06:36,545 --> 00:06:38,545 flag. That that is a different story than 191 00:06:38,545 --> 00:06:39,839 that. Yeah. If they 192 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,180 never again did that 193 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,980 and and, not or, and, 194 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:46,500 anytime 195 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,680 after that about anything else, you went, oh, 196 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,120 no. I'm not good with that. That's that's 197 00:06:51,199 --> 00:06:52,479 I don't want you to cross that boundary. 198 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:53,939 I don't I don't accept that 199 00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:56,154 treatment, behavior, action, whatever, 200 00:06:56,455 --> 00:06:58,535 they did their best to correct it and 201 00:06:58,535 --> 00:07:00,214 to never do it again, then I don't 202 00:07:00,214 --> 00:07:02,134 think you're dealing with a red flag. It's 203 00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:04,055 about it's not just action in the moment, 204 00:07:04,055 --> 00:07:04,795 it's patterns 205 00:07:05,335 --> 00:07:07,654 of behavior. What are they doing every time 206 00:07:07,654 --> 00:07:08,670 you have to tell them no, I don't 207 00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,750 really like that. Right? What are they doing 208 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,509 every time they figure out they need to 209 00:07:12,509 --> 00:07:14,670 change their behavior in some way and not 210 00:07:14,670 --> 00:07:17,330 let their impulse guide them all the time? 211 00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:18,850 What are they doing to 212 00:07:19,629 --> 00:07:21,485 make it so that they can stay within 213 00:07:21,485 --> 00:07:23,644 your boundaries and live with the reality that 214 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,884 they're they're gonna be impulsive and they're gonna 215 00:07:25,884 --> 00:07:28,064 forget, and it's harder to form habits 216 00:07:28,524 --> 00:07:29,824 as somebody with ADHD 217 00:07:30,204 --> 00:07:32,925 than a neurotypical person. What are they doing? 218 00:07:32,925 --> 00:07:34,819 That's the thing that would tell me is 219 00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:36,199 this a red flag or not. 220 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,160 Go ahead. 221 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,379 I mean, you know, that that is a 222 00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:42,979 good point that you brought up. 223 00:07:43,539 --> 00:07:45,220 You know, if if if 224 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,779 and and see, I guess that's why it 225 00:07:47,779 --> 00:07:48,584 doesn't really 226 00:07:49,384 --> 00:07:51,384 go into it. If the person is making 227 00:07:51,384 --> 00:07:52,044 an effort 228 00:07:52,345 --> 00:07:54,664 Mhmm. You know, to to do something about 229 00:07:54,664 --> 00:07:56,904 it, yeah, that that's that's important. And that 230 00:07:56,904 --> 00:08:00,824 effort being not actually doing it. Right? Like, 231 00:08:00,824 --> 00:08:01,805 it's not effort 232 00:08:02,185 --> 00:08:04,480 if the third time they reach out and 233 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,720 just kind of go, oh, my my bad, 234 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,480 and then the fourth time they're like, you 235 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,800 know, I'm like, what what is the active 236 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,199 effort? The effort does matter, I think. True. 237 00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:13,699 True. 238 00:08:14,879 --> 00:08:16,819 You know, but at at the same time, 239 00:08:17,884 --> 00:08:19,985 you know, seeing somebody make an effort 240 00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:21,884 rather than just, you know, like you said, 241 00:08:21,884 --> 00:08:23,345 and I thought it was funny because 242 00:08:25,645 --> 00:08:27,665 the way you said it, but, you know, 243 00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:29,645 turning around saying, oh, you know, I've got 244 00:08:29,645 --> 00:08:31,259 ADHD. I can't, you know, 245 00:08:31,740 --> 00:08:34,240 that that is just, you know, not taking 246 00:08:34,299 --> 00:08:34,799 responsibility. 247 00:08:35,259 --> 00:08:37,019 Right. And that would be the thing I 248 00:08:37,019 --> 00:08:39,660 would say to this person. Yeah. Does your 249 00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:42,139 partner take responsibility not just for that action, 250 00:08:42,139 --> 00:08:43,820 but other things that y'all had to work 251 00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:45,340 through? This can't possibly be the only thing 252 00:08:45,340 --> 00:08:47,085 you've ever had to through. It might be 253 00:08:47,085 --> 00:08:47,664 the thing 254 00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:48,625 that hits 255 00:08:49,085 --> 00:08:51,085 closest to the triggers you have because of 256 00:08:51,085 --> 00:08:53,325 your past trauma. Now, here's the thing: are 257 00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,804 you seeing this through a specific lens because 258 00:08:55,804 --> 00:08:58,205 of past trauma? Hell yeah, you are. You 259 00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,884 went through what you went through, and it 260 00:08:59,884 --> 00:09:01,350 never completely goes away, 261 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,069 And, you know, hopefully you're you've worked with 262 00:09:04,069 --> 00:09:05,829 a therapist, you've you've done whatever you need 263 00:09:05,829 --> 00:09:07,110 to do to get yourself to a place 264 00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,750 where you're, like, you know, doing the best 265 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,750 you can and you've kind of worked through 266 00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:13,429 some of that. Let me remind you, we 267 00:09:13,429 --> 00:09:15,544 don't ever ever go over, around, or under. 268 00:09:15,544 --> 00:09:17,245 We gotta go through it. Right? Mhmm. 269 00:09:18,264 --> 00:09:20,745 But that doesn't mean that these that things 270 00:09:20,745 --> 00:09:22,204 that happen won't absolutely 271 00:09:23,384 --> 00:09:25,464 hit on the triggers from your past trauma. 272 00:09:25,464 --> 00:09:26,264 Right? Right. 273 00:09:27,144 --> 00:09:29,220 So then that's my other question to you. 274 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,839 How much of your current partner's behavior 275 00:09:34,019 --> 00:09:35,939 hits your triggers and what does he do 276 00:09:35,939 --> 00:09:38,439 about that? If if you are 277 00:09:38,819 --> 00:09:40,100 in some way, and I don't want to 278 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,860 say every three months, every six months, I 279 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:43,304 don't know what the timeline is, but if 280 00:09:43,304 --> 00:09:46,424 you are consistently enough, based on your personal 281 00:09:46,424 --> 00:09:46,924 preferences, 282 00:09:47,304 --> 00:09:49,564 being triggered by your partner's behavior, 283 00:09:50,504 --> 00:09:52,745 and it's sort of simply explained away, but 284 00:09:52,745 --> 00:09:54,584 then there's always another one and there's always 285 00:09:54,584 --> 00:09:55,404 another one, 286 00:09:55,779 --> 00:09:57,460 I'm gonna have questions for you about whether 287 00:09:57,460 --> 00:09:59,799 this is a genuinely a good relationship 288 00:10:00,259 --> 00:10:01,700 for you. Now that doesn't mean and I 289 00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:03,240 don't say that to mean that a partner 290 00:10:03,299 --> 00:10:05,139 can never trigger us because of a a 291 00:10:05,139 --> 00:10:05,639 past, 292 00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:08,485 thing we've gone through and trauma from our 293 00:10:08,485 --> 00:10:09,845 past, it will happen. JB and I have 294 00:10:09,845 --> 00:10:12,404 been together Mhmm. For twelve years and still 295 00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:13,725 to this day, every once in a while, 296 00:10:13,725 --> 00:10:15,365 I'm like, oh. There there is something that, 297 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,785 yeah, pops up. But I am also aware 298 00:10:18,165 --> 00:10:20,165 of my triggers, and I know I can 299 00:10:20,165 --> 00:10:21,865 talk to him about them. And 300 00:10:22,325 --> 00:10:23,764 he has gotten better and I have gotten 301 00:10:23,764 --> 00:10:25,860 better. Like, my biggest trigger is a loud 302 00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:28,879 voice, whether it's raised at me or at 303 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:31,200 someone else. JB is aware of that. So 304 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,460 he does he takes extra precautions 305 00:10:33,919 --> 00:10:35,139 not to do the thing. 306 00:10:35,519 --> 00:10:38,125 I have an understanding in my mind that 307 00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:39,725 I can be triggered and then also once 308 00:10:39,725 --> 00:10:40,845 I calm down I can look at it 309 00:10:40,845 --> 00:10:42,524 and go but was that directed at me 310 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,284 And that or was that something else? And 311 00:10:44,284 --> 00:10:46,204 that is a job for me because coming 312 00:10:46,204 --> 00:10:47,504 from an Italian family, 313 00:10:48,629 --> 00:10:51,269 people who are naturally loud. Right. So if 314 00:10:51,269 --> 00:10:53,509 you're thinking about, oh oh, yes. My partner 315 00:10:53,509 --> 00:10:55,590 has triggered me in the past. Okay. Were 316 00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:56,570 was that behavior, 317 00:10:58,389 --> 00:11:00,230 directed at you? Or was it because you're 318 00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:02,470 triggered by just certain things that humans sometimes 319 00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:02,970 do? 320 00:11:03,345 --> 00:11:04,084 And or 321 00:11:05,024 --> 00:11:06,704 were you have you been triggered by a 322 00:11:06,704 --> 00:11:09,584 partner's behavior enough, whatever your definition of enough 323 00:11:09,584 --> 00:11:11,184 is, even if it wasn't directed at you, 324 00:11:11,184 --> 00:11:12,784 but they directed at other people and you're 325 00:11:12,784 --> 00:11:14,384 like, wait. If you'll treat other people like 326 00:11:14,384 --> 00:11:15,745 this, will you treat me like you see 327 00:11:15,745 --> 00:11:17,584 what I'm saying? There's there's a delicate balance. 328 00:11:17,584 --> 00:11:20,250 There's no black or white answer, 329 00:11:21,429 --> 00:11:23,850 and we all have to kind of decide 330 00:11:23,910 --> 00:11:24,889 on our own 331 00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:27,990 limit of what we're like, okay that that's 332 00:11:27,990 --> 00:11:29,910 okay. I I'm good with this. This doesn't 333 00:11:29,910 --> 00:11:31,750 feel dangerous to me. I don't I'm not 334 00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,610 scared to be here versus 335 00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:37,454 I'm watching my partner genuinely try to do 336 00:11:37,454 --> 00:11:39,695 better, but I know they're human and sometimes 337 00:11:39,695 --> 00:11:41,615 they're gonna mess up. What is this how 338 00:11:41,615 --> 00:11:44,014 much of the sometimes is too much versus 339 00:11:44,014 --> 00:11:45,074 not enough. Right? 340 00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,950 My personal thing is if it's a thing 341 00:11:47,950 --> 00:11:50,210 that I so very rarely see from JB, 342 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:51,409 and I know 343 00:11:51,789 --> 00:11:53,710 that I can easily make him aware of 344 00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:55,950 it and he will apologize, he'll try to 345 00:11:55,950 --> 00:11:57,870 remember for next time, he will and but 346 00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:59,016 it's not a consistent thing that I'm constantly 347 00:11:59,016 --> 00:11:59,809 dealing with, then I'm 348 00:12:01,784 --> 00:12:03,945 I'm not looking at him going, I can't 349 00:12:03,945 --> 00:12:05,065 believe you triggered me. I can't believe you 350 00:12:05,065 --> 00:12:06,345 did that thing that took me back to 351 00:12:06,345 --> 00:12:08,745 past trauma. I'm going, oh, okay. Let's let's 352 00:12:08,745 --> 00:12:10,205 work around this. However, 353 00:12:11,065 --> 00:12:12,825 if I had told him years ago, wait. 354 00:12:12,825 --> 00:12:14,345 Every time you get loud like that, I 355 00:12:14,345 --> 00:12:15,809 really struggle with it. And then he 356 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:19,330 kept purposely or just was unwilling to think 357 00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:21,830 about it being as loud or getting louder 358 00:12:22,370 --> 00:12:24,049 and going, what? I didn't wasn't yelling at 359 00:12:24,049 --> 00:12:26,549 you. Yeah. Now that's a problem. Right? So 360 00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:29,995 there's degrees of this. There's Yeah. Nuance to 361 00:12:29,995 --> 00:12:32,095 it. It's really about your 362 00:12:32,555 --> 00:12:36,235 personal sense of safety and asking yourself those 363 00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:37,774 questions. How does my partner, 364 00:12:38,315 --> 00:12:40,315 you know, respond? Did they ever do this 365 00:12:40,315 --> 00:12:41,710 to me? And you're talking about it happening 366 00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:43,629 twice in one day. Okay. What happened the 367 00:12:43,629 --> 00:12:45,389 next day and the next day and the 368 00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,870 next day? How do they handle it when 369 00:12:47,870 --> 00:12:49,950 you're like, hey. Please don't do that. How 370 00:12:49,950 --> 00:12:51,870 often are you going, hey. No. I'm not 371 00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:54,350 okay with that behavior. Like, those kinds of 372 00:12:54,350 --> 00:12:55,570 things I think 373 00:12:56,014 --> 00:12:57,875 will give you a better sense 374 00:12:58,495 --> 00:13:00,174 of is this one thing a red flag 375 00:13:00,174 --> 00:13:02,414 or not. But, also, let's just acknowledge your 376 00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:04,815 past trauma is absolutely impacting this. And it 377 00:13:04,815 --> 00:13:06,995 just means Oh, yeah. That you're more aware 378 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:08,850 you have 379 00:13:09,409 --> 00:13:11,269 damn good reason to be more 380 00:13:11,809 --> 00:13:15,089 anxious or uncertain or look closer at, you 381 00:13:15,089 --> 00:13:15,829 know, behavior. 382 00:13:17,409 --> 00:13:19,509 Yes. It can mean that maybe you overreact 383 00:13:19,569 --> 00:13:21,585 a little bit, but quite frankly, if this 384 00:13:21,985 --> 00:13:23,825 partner is as good with you and is 385 00:13:23,825 --> 00:13:25,024 trying to work with you as much as 386 00:13:25,024 --> 00:13:27,745 possible on, you know, moving through that past 387 00:13:27,745 --> 00:13:29,764 trauma as you say, then 388 00:13:30,785 --> 00:13:32,865 they will most likely they should, to some 389 00:13:32,865 --> 00:13:35,024 degree, be very understanding of that and going, 390 00:13:35,024 --> 00:13:36,785 yeah. You you've gone through it and you, 391 00:13:36,785 --> 00:13:38,990 you know, we're we're still experiencing this together, 392 00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:40,190 and I'm here for you. And what can 393 00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:41,470 I do to make it better? And I 394 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:43,330 think it's not just one thing, but it's 395 00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,009 a lot of things. Yeah. 396 00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:47,070 Mhmm. I mean, every once in a while, 397 00:13:47,070 --> 00:13:49,309 yeah, somebody walks in, and it's like their 398 00:13:49,309 --> 00:13:51,465 red flag is, like, on one of those, 399 00:13:51,465 --> 00:13:53,785 like, potato launcher things and they're launching them 400 00:13:53,785 --> 00:13:55,785 left, right, and center and there's no doubt 401 00:13:55,785 --> 00:13:58,264 to the outside observer Correct. Oh my god, 402 00:13:58,264 --> 00:13:59,085 this is awful. 403 00:13:59,544 --> 00:14:01,144 And then there's times when it's more subtle 404 00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,169 and, yeah, you have to weigh these things. 405 00:14:03,169 --> 00:14:06,850 Right. And I'll say this, somebody else's that's 406 00:14:06,850 --> 00:14:09,269 an unacceptable red flag I'm breaking up immediately, 407 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,950 can be somebody else's 408 00:14:12,129 --> 00:14:12,629 maybe 409 00:14:13,649 --> 00:14:15,970 it's bad behavior. Maybe it's ADHD, and they're 410 00:14:15,970 --> 00:14:17,029 trying and they're learning. 411 00:14:17,794 --> 00:14:19,554 Only you can decide where your line is. 412 00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,235 And if this partner has not crossed that 413 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,014 line for you since this incident 414 00:14:23,554 --> 00:14:25,315 and they weren't crossing that line for you 415 00:14:25,315 --> 00:14:27,414 multiple times prior to this incident, 416 00:14:28,595 --> 00:14:29,254 you know, 417 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:32,460 from the outside looking in with zero additional 418 00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:34,460 context, I go, man, you're probably fine, but 419 00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,320 only you get to decide that for yourself. 420 00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:38,779 So I don't know how much that helps 421 00:14:38,779 --> 00:14:39,679 or not, though. 422 00:14:40,059 --> 00:14:41,740 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 423 00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,179 a episode. 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