1 00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:13,439 You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla 2 00:00:13,439 --> 00:00:14,955 Lords here with the one, the only, 3 00:00:16,074 --> 00:00:18,074 give me a minute, lasted about ten minutes, 4 00:00:18,074 --> 00:00:19,454 jump around. So Yeah. 5 00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,394 Moving slow. I think we're all moving slow 6 00:00:22,394 --> 00:00:24,734 today. Yeah. Florida heat done now. 7 00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:27,454 The lack of sleep certainly doesn't. Nope. 8 00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:29,739 The state of the world never did. So 9 00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:31,179 Yep. Yep. But that's not what we're here 10 00:00:31,179 --> 00:00:32,320 to talk about. 11 00:00:32,939 --> 00:00:35,659 That debauch quick? Yeah. It usually does. This 12 00:00:35,659 --> 00:00:37,600 week, we're answering a question from my kinkster 13 00:00:37,659 --> 00:00:40,640 who previously tried nonmonogamy in their current relationship, 14 00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:42,734 did not have a good result. And now 15 00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:45,155 they they're thinking they might wanna try again. 16 00:00:46,094 --> 00:00:48,015 Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're 17 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,454 new here, we help kinksters like you have 18 00:00:49,454 --> 00:00:51,935 happy, healthy power exchange relationships. How's the podcast 19 00:00:51,935 --> 00:00:53,774 your favorite podcast app where you never miss 20 00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:56,039 an episode? Where you never miss an episode 21 00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:58,500 so you never miss an episode. What are 22 00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:00,820 words? Oh, god. If you're new here, it 23 00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:02,899 is always like this. I'm can't even make 24 00:01:02,899 --> 00:01:04,819 that up. If you have a question that 25 00:01:04,819 --> 00:01:06,739 you'd like us to answer, you can submit 26 00:01:06,739 --> 00:01:08,685 that to us through our contact page that 27 00:01:08,685 --> 00:01:11,484 is literally labeled ask your questions. You'll find 28 00:01:11,484 --> 00:01:14,045 that contact page in the link in the 29 00:01:14,045 --> 00:01:16,145 show notes as well as at our website, 30 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,125 lovingBDSM.net. 31 00:01:18,125 --> 00:01:20,340 That's lovingBDSM.net. 32 00:01:20,899 --> 00:01:23,219 Okay. So question is Mhmm. My daddy and 33 00:01:23,219 --> 00:01:24,819 I have been together for almost two years 34 00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:27,060 now. We're twenty four seven and engaged. We 35 00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:29,140 have both wanted to practice polyamory since the 36 00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:31,299 beginning and tried to branch out early on. 37 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,219 It did not go well because I started 38 00:01:33,219 --> 00:01:35,454 to feel insecure. Insecure. We have grown in 39 00:01:35,454 --> 00:01:37,215 our relationship since then, and there has been 40 00:01:37,215 --> 00:01:39,155 talk about possibly joining field. 41 00:01:39,454 --> 00:01:41,534 It is something I'm excited for and want. 42 00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,215 I'm just afraid that it will go like 43 00:01:43,215 --> 00:01:44,734 last time. How do we know when we're 44 00:01:44,734 --> 00:01:45,234 ready? 45 00:01:49,719 --> 00:01:51,100 When you know, you know. 46 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,799 Also, you might never know for sure Right. 47 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,480 Positive, a % 48 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,980 guaranteed that you're ready. True. True. 49 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:00,060 You know, 50 00:02:01,344 --> 00:02:02,965 it it's different for everybody 51 00:02:03,265 --> 00:02:05,364 to say when, you know, you're ready. 52 00:02:06,064 --> 00:02:06,384 And, 53 00:02:07,984 --> 00:02:10,164 you know, you all tried it before 54 00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,564 and didn't work so well. 55 00:02:13,620 --> 00:02:14,919 It doesn't always. 56 00:02:15,780 --> 00:02:17,000 I I know we 57 00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:18,259 had some, 58 00:02:20,019 --> 00:02:20,519 bumpy 59 00:02:21,219 --> 00:02:24,360 times in the beginning Mhmm. Of ours and, 60 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,979 you know, what it really meant for us 61 00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:28,519 that we had to do, we had to, 62 00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:30,094 kinda step back, 63 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,914 reassess our our boundaries and and different things, 64 00:02:33,914 --> 00:02:34,974 and and renegotiate. 65 00:02:35,514 --> 00:02:36,014 Mhmm. 66 00:02:36,394 --> 00:02:38,735 It's a sort of a constant 67 00:02:39,275 --> 00:02:39,775 renegotiation 68 00:02:40,875 --> 00:02:43,169 until you kind of find and settle into 69 00:02:43,169 --> 00:02:46,370 what works, assuming that it legitimately works for 70 00:02:46,370 --> 00:02:49,090 you Yeah. Because you go into it thinking 71 00:02:49,090 --> 00:02:50,770 it will be this, and then you do 72 00:02:50,770 --> 00:02:53,330 this, and something about it, you know, is 73 00:02:53,330 --> 00:02:55,569 not working, whether it's feelings of insecurity or 74 00:02:55,569 --> 00:02:56,175 something else. 75 00:02:57,055 --> 00:02:59,155 And so then you just adjust. You renegotiate. 76 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,395 You go, what can you 77 00:03:02,014 --> 00:03:04,034 live with that makes both, 78 00:03:04,495 --> 00:03:05,555 you know, people 79 00:03:06,335 --> 00:03:08,275 happy ish with what's happening? Right? 80 00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:11,469 One of the things I would say though 81 00:03:11,469 --> 00:03:14,189 is you talk about feelings of insecurity being 82 00:03:14,189 --> 00:03:15,889 what hampered you the last time. 83 00:03:17,549 --> 00:03:20,609 There's a very good chance, unless the past 84 00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:23,150 bit of time has been specific to working 85 00:03:23,150 --> 00:03:25,625 on your insecurities and even then, even if 86 00:03:25,625 --> 00:03:27,544 that you have, there's a very good chance 87 00:03:27,544 --> 00:03:29,064 all of that's gonna crop back up again. 88 00:03:29,064 --> 00:03:29,564 Because 89 00:03:29,865 --> 00:03:30,685 if you never 90 00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:33,705 sort of faced or thought through or or 91 00:03:33,705 --> 00:03:36,205 worked through those underlying feelings, they 92 00:03:36,585 --> 00:03:38,444 might not just have gone away. 93 00:03:39,599 --> 00:03:41,539 That was probably our 94 00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:43,939 and I say our, it was my 95 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,300 biggest issue, 96 00:03:46,959 --> 00:03:47,699 when we've 97 00:03:48,639 --> 00:03:50,719 done non monogamy in ways that it was 98 00:03:50,719 --> 00:03:53,064 not the two of us with somebody else. 99 00:03:53,064 --> 00:03:55,385 It's when JB has a separate partner and 100 00:03:55,385 --> 00:03:56,365 separate experiences, 101 00:03:57,064 --> 00:03:59,064 you know, the thing I deal with and 102 00:03:59,064 --> 00:03:59,885 what it bring 103 00:04:00,185 --> 00:04:01,865 less so now, but what it always brought 104 00:04:01,865 --> 00:04:04,125 up for me in some way was 105 00:04:04,810 --> 00:04:05,310 insecurity. 106 00:04:06,009 --> 00:04:08,169 The thing about my personal insecurity, and that 107 00:04:08,169 --> 00:04:10,110 might not relate to you, 108 00:04:10,569 --> 00:04:12,650 in the same way, but it's what I 109 00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:14,409 know to be true for myself, was it 110 00:04:14,409 --> 00:04:17,449 was never about what JB was doing or 111 00:04:17,449 --> 00:04:19,069 who he was with. 112 00:04:19,414 --> 00:04:21,735 The insecurity I felt brought up things that 113 00:04:21,735 --> 00:04:24,454 I believed to be true about myself that 114 00:04:24,454 --> 00:04:25,354 I had never 115 00:04:25,814 --> 00:04:29,334 worked through, faced, dealt with, figured out, and 116 00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:30,774 found a way to kinda get through and 117 00:04:30,774 --> 00:04:31,274 overcome. 118 00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:32,875 And 119 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:37,900 that was difficult, but I decided once I 120 00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:40,139 figured out that is what was happening, he 121 00:04:40,139 --> 00:04:42,139 was not doing something, that other person was 122 00:04:42,139 --> 00:04:43,660 not doing something to make me feel the 123 00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:45,100 way I felt. I felt that way and 124 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,319 would feel that way 125 00:04:46,699 --> 00:04:49,394 in almost any similar situation. Right? 126 00:04:50,754 --> 00:04:52,774 That's when I decided that had to be 127 00:04:53,074 --> 00:04:55,474 my problem to handle. Not that I couldn't 128 00:04:55,474 --> 00:04:56,914 talk to him about it. Not that I 129 00:04:56,914 --> 00:04:58,834 couldn't come to him with, you know, how 130 00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:00,675 I felt or ask for comfort or let 131 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:01,814 him know I was struggling, 132 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,120 but it needed to be my problem. So 133 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,100 what that meant 134 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:09,560 in real practice was if he was out, 135 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,319 you know, at a kink party with somebody 136 00:05:11,319 --> 00:05:13,720 or at a dungeon or on a date 137 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,180 or whatever whatever and I started feeling away, 138 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,004 I had to sit with those feelings. What 139 00:05:20,004 --> 00:05:22,084 I was not gonna do was interrupt his 140 00:05:22,084 --> 00:05:23,764 time with his other partner. What I was 141 00:05:23,764 --> 00:05:26,004 not gonna do was beg for his attention 142 00:05:26,004 --> 00:05:26,504 and 143 00:05:26,884 --> 00:05:29,225 sort of guilt force or otherwise 144 00:05:30,084 --> 00:05:30,824 make him 145 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,560 as, you know, the person who loves me, 146 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,639 take his attention off of the person he's 147 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,139 with 148 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,759 to focus on me because I was struggling 149 00:05:40,759 --> 00:05:41,660 with how I felt. 150 00:05:42,919 --> 00:05:44,620 That was not easy to do. 151 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,620 The first couple of times 152 00:05:46,995 --> 00:05:49,235 that I had decided that's that's what felt 153 00:05:49,235 --> 00:05:50,995 right for me and I I needed to 154 00:05:50,995 --> 00:05:51,495 just 155 00:05:51,875 --> 00:05:54,115 get on with it, those were sleepless nights. 156 00:05:54,115 --> 00:05:55,415 I cried myself 157 00:05:55,875 --> 00:05:58,514 to sleep at night. Why? One, because it 158 00:05:58,514 --> 00:06:00,995 hurt and those feeling those insecure feelings sucked. 159 00:06:00,995 --> 00:06:01,495 Right? 160 00:06:01,889 --> 00:06:05,889 Two, because JB is my my comfort person. 161 00:06:05,889 --> 00:06:08,209 He is my safe person. When I don't 162 00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:09,509 feel happy, 163 00:06:09,889 --> 00:06:10,709 he unfortunately 164 00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:13,829 gets to be the first person after myself 165 00:06:13,889 --> 00:06:15,189 to know. You know? 166 00:06:15,729 --> 00:06:16,229 But 167 00:06:16,689 --> 00:06:18,814 it did not feel right to me 168 00:06:19,514 --> 00:06:21,134 to interrupt his time 169 00:06:21,754 --> 00:06:23,375 when this was not an emergency. 170 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:26,634 I was not in harm's way. There was 171 00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:29,754 nothing he could do short of interrupting his 172 00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:31,319 time and coming home to make me feel 173 00:06:31,319 --> 00:06:33,160 better for those feelings to go away. I 174 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,680 needed to sit with them, work through them, 175 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,600 figure out where they came from, think about 176 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,000 how I felt. What ended up happening over 177 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,160 time I still deal with some feelings of 178 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:41,660 insecurity. 179 00:06:42,375 --> 00:06:43,654 You know, I think some of that is 180 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,435 a bit of internalized misogyny. 181 00:06:45,895 --> 00:06:47,495 What, you know, growing up, 182 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,214 and being socialized as a woman in in 183 00:06:50,214 --> 00:06:52,134 The US has done to me, like there's 184 00:06:52,134 --> 00:06:54,935 all kinds of places that comes from, but 185 00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:57,254 none of it is about JB's actions or 186 00:06:57,254 --> 00:06:59,360 the actions of a partner he might have. 187 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,540 Right? So that's my problem to deal with. 188 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,339 So what we figured out over time 189 00:07:04,639 --> 00:07:06,660 was there were things he could do to 190 00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:08,899 mitigate some of that for me, 191 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:09,779 and 192 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,300 I figured out that, yes, I can actually 193 00:07:13,895 --> 00:07:15,275 make it through a night, 194 00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:16,395 you know, 195 00:07:17,335 --> 00:07:19,975 feeling sad and sorry for myself, and I 196 00:07:19,975 --> 00:07:21,194 will survive that. 197 00:07:21,814 --> 00:07:23,995 Some of the things that that we did, 198 00:07:24,455 --> 00:07:26,759 that helped, you know, I did 199 00:07:27,139 --> 00:07:29,379 not I did not know I would imagine 200 00:07:29,379 --> 00:07:30,360 you did not want, 201 00:07:30,979 --> 00:07:33,860 me to command a lot of attention while 202 00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:36,180 you were with another partner. That time was 203 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:37,779 meant for that other partner because I get 204 00:07:37,779 --> 00:07:40,154 him all the time. He lives with me. 205 00:07:40,154 --> 00:07:41,935 That person might get him for 206 00:07:42,314 --> 00:07:44,555 a weekend out of every two months or 207 00:07:44,555 --> 00:07:46,074 a day out of a month. Like they 208 00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,514 don't get a lot of time. That needs 209 00:07:47,514 --> 00:07:48,654 to be their time. Right? 210 00:07:49,514 --> 00:07:52,180 So we figured out that I needed to 211 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:52,920 get a text 212 00:07:53,459 --> 00:07:55,399 when he arrived wherever he was going, 213 00:07:55,939 --> 00:07:57,699 when he was on his way home. Mhmm. 214 00:07:57,699 --> 00:07:59,540 And in the couple of instances where there 215 00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:01,620 was, like, travel involved, just let me know 216 00:08:01,620 --> 00:08:03,459 you made it to the travel place and 217 00:08:03,459 --> 00:08:05,300 you're leaving from the travel place. My in 218 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,365 my mind, I and not everybody will feel 219 00:08:07,365 --> 00:08:09,444 this way, but this is what worked for 220 00:08:09,444 --> 00:08:11,444 me. I kinda needed to to be able 221 00:08:11,444 --> 00:08:12,584 to place JB 222 00:08:13,365 --> 00:08:13,865 geographically 223 00:08:14,324 --> 00:08:15,625 somewhere in the universe. 224 00:08:16,805 --> 00:08:18,884 And if I knew where he was and 225 00:08:18,884 --> 00:08:19,704 kind of 226 00:08:20,339 --> 00:08:22,680 what the semi plan might be, 227 00:08:23,219 --> 00:08:24,979 I just I felt a little bit more 228 00:08:24,979 --> 00:08:27,139 grounded. Now you might not need that. That 229 00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:28,759 might not touch on your insecurities 230 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,939 at all or the the hard feelings of 231 00:08:31,939 --> 00:08:34,179 getting through this. They're going out doing this 232 00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:35,240 thing and I'm not. 233 00:08:35,924 --> 00:08:37,365 The thing to do is to try to 234 00:08:37,365 --> 00:08:39,705 figure out what you do need 235 00:08:40,085 --> 00:08:42,804 in order not for your partner to make 236 00:08:42,804 --> 00:08:44,184 you feel more secure. 237 00:08:44,804 --> 00:08:46,105 If your insecurities 238 00:08:46,644 --> 00:08:49,365 are coming from within you and your past 239 00:08:49,365 --> 00:08:50,700 and things that have nothing to do 240 00:08:51,419 --> 00:08:52,779 with your partner, right, if that's where the 241 00:08:52,779 --> 00:08:55,200 insecurity comes from, then you just find little 242 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,360 little things that are touch points 243 00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:01,100 that can give you a sense of that's 244 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:02,460 still my person and I kind of know 245 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:04,725 where they are and and I can I 246 00:09:04,725 --> 00:09:06,105 can live through the discomfort 247 00:09:06,644 --> 00:09:07,144 because 248 00:09:07,845 --> 00:09:09,205 if for me it was like I know 249 00:09:09,205 --> 00:09:11,365 where he exists in space and time right 250 00:09:11,365 --> 00:09:13,445 now? Okay. I don't know what it was 251 00:09:13,445 --> 00:09:14,504 about that information 252 00:09:15,125 --> 00:09:16,350 that did it for me. 253 00:09:16,909 --> 00:09:18,829 The other thing, some people would say the 254 00:09:18,829 --> 00:09:20,129 opposite, but for me, 255 00:09:21,309 --> 00:09:23,250 the thing that helped was 256 00:09:23,709 --> 00:09:25,089 not getting too many details. 257 00:09:25,549 --> 00:09:27,629 I might wanna know where you were going, 258 00:09:27,629 --> 00:09:29,230 and I'm a I'm a nosy bitch. So 259 00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:30,769 it's like, got any plans 260 00:09:31,149 --> 00:09:32,815 that you feel like you you feel free 261 00:09:32,815 --> 00:09:33,394 to share? 262 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,774 But I didn't ask a lot of details 263 00:09:35,774 --> 00:09:37,875 because I knew me. I would start comparing 264 00:09:38,254 --> 00:09:39,154 our experiences 265 00:09:39,695 --> 00:09:41,615 to the experiences JB was having with somebody 266 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,054 else. And the one time I caught myself 267 00:09:43,054 --> 00:09:44,834 doing it, I hurt my own feelings. 268 00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:46,990 And it had nothing to do with the 269 00:09:46,990 --> 00:09:47,490 actions 270 00:09:47,870 --> 00:09:50,350 of the other people. This was about my 271 00:09:50,350 --> 00:09:53,949 insecurities and my feelings of self worth and 272 00:09:53,949 --> 00:09:56,269 my low self esteem. And I hurt my 273 00:09:56,269 --> 00:09:58,475 own damn feelings. So I went, okay. That 274 00:09:58,475 --> 00:10:00,975 is also a thing I won't do anymore. 275 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,274 So you did not ask how to deal 276 00:10:03,274 --> 00:10:06,235 with the insecurity, but I share all of 277 00:10:06,235 --> 00:10:08,795 that because there was no single point in 278 00:10:08,795 --> 00:10:10,394 time I could point to and go, I'm 279 00:10:10,394 --> 00:10:12,795 a % ready to try this. It was 280 00:10:12,795 --> 00:10:14,014 that I was willing 281 00:10:14,470 --> 00:10:16,870 because it was important to JB. I was 282 00:10:16,870 --> 00:10:18,870 open to it. I had never experienced non 283 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:19,370 monogamy 284 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,230 prior to, you know, JB going, oh, this 285 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:23,509 is who I am. I would like to 286 00:10:23,509 --> 00:10:24,889 do something about that. Right? 287 00:10:25,509 --> 00:10:26,009 And 288 00:10:26,475 --> 00:10:28,634 so to me, the answer is you may 289 00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:30,014 never be a % 290 00:10:30,634 --> 00:10:32,315 ready in the sense that you won't have 291 00:10:32,315 --> 00:10:34,554 hard feelings, it won't be difficult, you know, 292 00:10:34,554 --> 00:10:35,615 there won't be challenges. 293 00:10:36,315 --> 00:10:38,634 The the reason I share all of that 294 00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:40,830 and everything that I've kind of found that 295 00:10:40,830 --> 00:10:42,910 works for me is because that's kind of 296 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,269 what you've got to do. You've got to 297 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,509 go, hey, I'm ready enough to give this 298 00:10:46,509 --> 00:10:48,750 a try, but I'm also realistic enough this 299 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:49,809 could bring up 300 00:10:50,429 --> 00:10:50,929 stuff 301 00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:52,685 that that I haven't dealt with in my 302 00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,945 own, you know, inner psyche 303 00:10:55,245 --> 00:10:57,024 now. If the insecurity 304 00:10:57,644 --> 00:11:00,205 is because there has been a lack of 305 00:11:00,205 --> 00:11:00,705 trust, 306 00:11:02,125 --> 00:11:02,945 less than 307 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,970 pristine honesty, 308 00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:08,889 consent issues. If there are problems within the 309 00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:09,610 relationship 310 00:11:10,309 --> 00:11:12,470 and the person you're with, you do not 311 00:11:12,470 --> 00:11:15,290 feel secure in your place as their partner, 312 00:11:16,325 --> 00:11:18,085 then I would say, you gotta work on 313 00:11:18,085 --> 00:11:20,644 that before you can try this. Right? Because 314 00:11:20,644 --> 00:11:22,585 that's the thing. The thing was I never 315 00:11:22,644 --> 00:11:25,445 didn't trust JB. I never thought for one 316 00:11:25,445 --> 00:11:28,165 second he didn't love me. My insecurity did 317 00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,764 come from, oh, he he's gonna like what 318 00:11:29,764 --> 00:11:31,379 he does with that person better than he 319 00:11:31,379 --> 00:11:33,299 he does with me, but I'm the one 320 00:11:33,299 --> 00:11:35,000 he fucking married. So what 321 00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:38,500 I'm the one he was willing to be 322 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,139 twenty four seven with. So that really was 323 00:11:41,139 --> 00:11:42,980 my own inner fears talking. That was not 324 00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:45,320 based on reality. So if you're, 325 00:11:45,754 --> 00:11:47,294 one, expect to feel 326 00:11:47,914 --> 00:11:49,934 some semblance of whatever you felt before, 327 00:11:50,475 --> 00:11:53,294 and two, you're ready when you also 328 00:11:54,154 --> 00:11:55,754 you won't know until you're in the middle 329 00:11:55,754 --> 00:11:57,595 of it, but when you just also understand 330 00:11:57,595 --> 00:11:59,195 that, oh, this is probably gonna bring up 331 00:11:59,195 --> 00:12:00,554 some stuff for me, and I'm gonna have 332 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:01,289 to work through it, deal 333 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,250 deal with it, and figure out how to 334 00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:06,809 navigate this. And it is entirely possible that 335 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,970 you will feel ready and the feelings it 336 00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:10,409 brings up for you are not things you 337 00:12:10,409 --> 00:12:12,490 can navigate easily or that you are willing 338 00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:12,990 to 339 00:12:13,690 --> 00:12:14,990 navigate while, 340 00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:17,455 you know, being non monogamous, 341 00:12:17,995 --> 00:12:19,695 that's that's valid. That's fine. 342 00:12:20,235 --> 00:12:22,174 But there is no % ready. 343 00:12:22,554 --> 00:12:23,054 Yeah. 344 00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:25,434 For somebody who already knows that they have 345 00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:27,914 had they've gone through hard feelings and it's 346 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,715 been uncomfortable before. Maybe for somebody who just 347 00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:31,379 knows that's exactly 348 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,660 who they are and this is how they're 349 00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:35,353 wired and, you know, this is not their 350 00:12:35,353 --> 00:12:37,379 first time at this rodeo. Sure. That person 351 00:12:37,379 --> 00:12:38,740 might be able to, like, go, yeah. In 352 00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:41,700 this relationship, I'm a % ready. But when 353 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,139 you're sort of new to it, you've never 354 00:12:43,139 --> 00:12:44,039 really done it, 355 00:12:44,654 --> 00:12:47,394 you haven't yet had the experience of confronting 356 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:48,274 your own 357 00:12:48,975 --> 00:12:50,274 inner mean voices 358 00:12:51,214 --> 00:12:52,355 about certain things, 359 00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:54,815 then, yeah, I don't know that there is 360 00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:55,634 a %. 361 00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:58,434 No. You there's just a % willingness 362 00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:00,662 to go, I'm gonna be sitting with some 363 00:13:00,662 --> 00:13:01,850 tough feelings sometimes. Okay. 364 00:13:03,110 --> 00:13:05,189 Yeah. I mean, you know, you you sometimes 365 00:13:05,189 --> 00:13:07,429 you gotta when when you have feelings like 366 00:13:07,429 --> 00:13:10,870 that, whether it's insecurity, whether it's jealousy, sometimes 367 00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:12,889 you need you just need to to sit 368 00:13:13,445 --> 00:13:15,845 and look at where is this coming from? 369 00:13:15,845 --> 00:13:19,464 Mhmm. What what is fueling this feeling? Mhmm. 370 00:13:19,764 --> 00:13:21,524 And it is uncomfortable while you were sitting 371 00:13:21,524 --> 00:13:23,845 with it. Mhmm. Because, you know, the vast 372 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,764 majority of people, we will do what we 373 00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:28,424 can to make an uncomfortable feeling go away. 374 00:13:28,485 --> 00:13:29,919 Yeah. And that's not necessarily 375 00:13:30,299 --> 00:13:31,200 a bad thing. 376 00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:33,659 But if you're gonna try to do the 377 00:13:33,659 --> 00:13:36,059 same thing in your relationship, like non monogamy, 378 00:13:36,059 --> 00:13:37,820 and you're gonna have the same feelings come 379 00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:40,459 up again every time, if you do not 380 00:13:40,459 --> 00:13:42,154 figure out how to sit with them, think 381 00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:43,914 through them, and try to, like, figure out 382 00:13:44,075 --> 00:13:45,514 Right. What kind of help you need or 383 00:13:45,514 --> 00:13:47,355 what might help you, whether that's therapy or 384 00:13:47,355 --> 00:13:48,334 it's something else, 385 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,514 you're never gonna move forward and you're kind 386 00:13:51,514 --> 00:13:53,195 of either always gonna be miserable or always 387 00:13:53,195 --> 00:13:54,554 be stuck and not able to go to 388 00:13:54,554 --> 00:13:56,680 the second step of whatever it is you're 389 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:57,740 trying to do. Mhmm. 390 00:13:59,399 --> 00:14:01,899 So yeah. Yeah. Because truly, you know, hopefully, 391 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,600 you know, with with the time in between 392 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,920 from when you first tried it to to 393 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:07,420 now, 394 00:14:08,475 --> 00:14:11,194 you know, hopefully there were some learning lessons 395 00:14:11,355 --> 00:14:12,735 Mhmm. In between there. 396 00:14:13,674 --> 00:14:16,074 You know, if not, you know, you you 397 00:14:16,074 --> 00:14:17,375 want to be careful, because 398 00:14:18,714 --> 00:14:21,360 history could repeat itself, so to speak. So, 399 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,279 you know, you you you kinda wanna go 400 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,120 into it, you know, like I said, where 401 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,200 are these feelings coming from? Finding where they're 402 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,820 coming from, you know, 403 00:14:30,639 --> 00:14:33,519 looking at them, you know, introspectively on yourself, 404 00:14:33,519 --> 00:14:35,785 and even talking with them about you to 405 00:14:35,785 --> 00:14:38,264 your partner. Absolutely. It was never that I 406 00:14:38,264 --> 00:14:40,184 didn't talk to JB about how I was 407 00:14:40,184 --> 00:14:41,865 feeling. It was that I did not interrupt 408 00:14:41,865 --> 00:14:44,264 his time with another partner. Short of there 409 00:14:44,264 --> 00:14:45,325 being an emergency 410 00:14:45,705 --> 00:14:47,399 Right. I was not interrupting his time. 411 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,059 And I 412 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,240 one especially once I recognized that those feelings 413 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:53,899 were coming 414 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,360 from within me and they were not caused 415 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,240 by, you know, stuff happening to me, I 416 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,000 then I was a little bit careful about 417 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,235 how I brought it up up to JB. 418 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,394 I made sure I did not place blame. 419 00:15:04,394 --> 00:15:06,794 Will you going out for this weekend made 420 00:15:06,794 --> 00:15:08,654 me feel that no. No. No. No. 421 00:15:09,835 --> 00:15:11,674 No. No. When you were out, I had 422 00:15:11,674 --> 00:15:13,595 these feelings. These are some things that I 423 00:15:13,595 --> 00:15:14,654 kind of went through. 424 00:15:15,595 --> 00:15:17,830 The first time, and it's been years now 425 00:15:17,830 --> 00:15:19,110 so I can't quite remember the first time, 426 00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:20,410 the first time it was more 427 00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:22,870 like, this was really hard and I'm still 428 00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:24,149 happy for you and I'm willing to try. 429 00:15:24,149 --> 00:15:25,670 I didn't have much to go on other 430 00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:28,230 than I I survived this. Right? By the 431 00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,230 second and third time, by the time he 432 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,345 would get home and and I could talk 433 00:15:32,345 --> 00:15:33,404 to him about it, 434 00:15:33,865 --> 00:15:35,865 I could say things like, here's how I 435 00:15:35,865 --> 00:15:37,625 ended up feeling, but here are some things 436 00:15:37,625 --> 00:15:40,044 that I thought about, and here's some discoveries 437 00:15:40,184 --> 00:15:42,504 I made. And, you know, and if there 438 00:15:42,504 --> 00:15:44,909 was something I could pinpoint that I thought 439 00:15:44,909 --> 00:15:47,089 might make me feel better that JB 440 00:15:47,389 --> 00:15:49,230 could do that would not take away from 441 00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:51,230 his time with another partner, I would I 442 00:15:51,230 --> 00:15:53,070 would ask for it, negotiate it, you know. 443 00:15:53,070 --> 00:15:54,830 Yeah. Right. Because, you know, with with all 444 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:57,730 that, we also kinda needed to to renegotiate, 445 00:15:58,029 --> 00:16:00,925 you know, from from boundaries to, you know, 446 00:16:00,925 --> 00:16:03,605 how we are approaching non monogamy. So, you 447 00:16:03,605 --> 00:16:05,625 know, there there was truly a lot involved. 448 00:16:06,085 --> 00:16:08,805 And, you know, I I I thought about 449 00:16:08,805 --> 00:16:09,705 this at the beginning, 450 00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:13,365 you know, when it when it comes to 451 00:16:13,365 --> 00:16:16,459 to non monogamy, it's almost like consent, 452 00:16:17,079 --> 00:16:19,159 because it's ongoing. There, you know, there's Yes. 453 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,259 I think there's things, you know, with it 454 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,039 with with the involvement of it that, you 455 00:16:24,039 --> 00:16:25,899 know, it it's an ongoing thing. 456 00:16:26,279 --> 00:16:27,100 You know, you 457 00:16:27,799 --> 00:16:30,059 you negotiate it the best you can. 458 00:16:31,705 --> 00:16:32,205 Okay? 459 00:16:32,585 --> 00:16:34,665 You know? And and then you move forward 460 00:16:34,665 --> 00:16:35,804 and with 461 00:16:36,904 --> 00:16:40,665 the reminder that no plan survives contact For 462 00:16:40,665 --> 00:16:41,325 the enemy. 463 00:16:41,785 --> 00:16:42,605 Yeah. Okay. 464 00:16:43,304 --> 00:16:45,965 So, you know, we thought in the beginning, 465 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,320 you know, when we first talked about doing 466 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,559 this, you know, we thought we sat down 467 00:16:50,559 --> 00:16:53,360 and and we talked about things and, you 468 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,360 know, we thought, man, we got this. We 469 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,660 we we wrapped it up. 470 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,759 No. No. No. You'll have to be I 471 00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:01,544 think the the terms that come into my 472 00:17:01,544 --> 00:17:04,184 mind are are being fluid and flexible. Mhmm. 473 00:17:04,184 --> 00:17:06,025 You will start with a plan. This is 474 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,025 how you you imagine it will go, best 475 00:17:08,025 --> 00:17:08,765 case scenario. 476 00:17:09,224 --> 00:17:09,964 You will 477 00:17:10,505 --> 00:17:12,505 try it, and you will find some things 478 00:17:12,505 --> 00:17:14,684 that don't work or that you didn't 479 00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,390 think were possibilities to try to have to 480 00:17:17,390 --> 00:17:19,710 negotiate through. Or you'll discover, hey. I thought 481 00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:20,990 I wanted to do it this way, and 482 00:17:20,990 --> 00:17:22,769 I hate everything about this. 483 00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:25,950 And you'll just you'll shift and change and 484 00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:27,789 adjust as long as it's something you both 485 00:17:27,789 --> 00:17:29,330 still want to do. 486 00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:33,744 But, you know, for for anybody who knows 487 00:17:33,744 --> 00:17:35,505 themself well enough to know that they're probably 488 00:17:35,505 --> 00:17:36,484 gonna have to, like, 489 00:17:37,065 --> 00:17:37,565 come 490 00:17:40,065 --> 00:17:40,565 feel 491 00:17:41,024 --> 00:17:42,884 hard things as they 492 00:17:43,289 --> 00:17:45,930 learn more about themselves in non monogamy, I 493 00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:48,730 don't think there's a % ready. Like, that 494 00:17:48,730 --> 00:17:51,529 doesn't exist. Yeah. There's ready enough to give 495 00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:54,350 it a try Mhmm. And to 496 00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:56,575 under and what I want you to be 497 00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,375 a % sure of is that I'm probably 498 00:17:58,375 --> 00:18:00,234 gonna feel something that's very uncomfortable. 499 00:18:00,694 --> 00:18:02,694 Yeah. And what am I gonna do with 500 00:18:02,694 --> 00:18:03,434 that feeling? 501 00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:04,634 So, 502 00:18:05,095 --> 00:18:07,575 you know, I think the the any initial 503 00:18:07,575 --> 00:18:09,190 hard feelings that you go through, I think 504 00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:10,549 they they knock you for a loop because 505 00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:11,750 you think, well I want to be non 506 00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:14,390 monogamous so surely this will be easy. Well 507 00:18:14,390 --> 00:18:14,890 no, 508 00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:16,410 because you are 509 00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:20,150 you encompass everything you've ever been through in 510 00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:21,924 your whole life, the good and the bad 511 00:18:21,924 --> 00:18:23,845 and even the neutral. Right? And some of 512 00:18:23,845 --> 00:18:26,085 that bad, we tell ourselves as adults, oh, 513 00:18:26,085 --> 00:18:27,444 I've worked through that. I'm not a kid 514 00:18:27,444 --> 00:18:28,964 anymore. I'm not a this anymore. That I 515 00:18:28,964 --> 00:18:30,345 don't even think about that anymore. 516 00:18:30,964 --> 00:18:33,444 Mhmm. And then you do something that goes 517 00:18:33,444 --> 00:18:36,940 against everything you've already experienced for and what 518 00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:39,740 you believe to be true Mhmm. About who 519 00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,419 you are and your relationship and your place 520 00:18:41,419 --> 00:18:43,019 in this world, and then you get to 521 00:18:43,019 --> 00:18:45,179 confront some stuff that you might not have 522 00:18:45,179 --> 00:18:47,384 even thought was within you. I I learn 523 00:18:47,945 --> 00:18:50,105 late in life that things I thought I 524 00:18:50,105 --> 00:18:50,605 had, 525 00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:52,125 put 526 00:18:52,825 --> 00:18:54,924 to the side and and moved on from 527 00:18:56,105 --> 00:18:58,125 hadn't as much as I thought so. Mhmm. 528 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:01,859 So you're, ultimately, you're ready when 529 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,599 the thing I like to do is I 530 00:19:03,599 --> 00:19:05,119 go, you're ready when you can't stop thinking 531 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:06,559 about it and you really wanna try it. 532 00:19:06,559 --> 00:19:08,880 Mhmm. If you need, like, a backup, you're 533 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,119 ready when you can admit to yourself and 534 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,744 each other that either there's gonna be some 535 00:19:13,825 --> 00:19:15,184 it's not gonna be easy, and there might 536 00:19:15,184 --> 00:19:16,884 be some tough things you gotta work through. 537 00:19:16,944 --> 00:19:19,024 And you're willing to do that work. Yes. 538 00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:21,764 Yeah. That's when you're ready. Yep. Mhmm. Mhmm. 539 00:19:22,464 --> 00:19:24,144 Thanks for listening to this week's q and 540 00:19:24,144 --> 00:19:25,585 a episode. If you want us to answer 541 00:19:25,585 --> 00:19:27,329 one of your questions, just use the contact 542 00:19:27,329 --> 00:19:29,809 page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, 543 00:19:29,809 --> 00:19:30,930 or you can find the link in the 544 00:19:30,930 --> 00:19:32,849 show notes. Big thanks as always to our 545 00:19:32,849 --> 00:19:35,089 kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to 546 00:19:35,089 --> 00:19:36,930 do this podcast and keep it going and 547 00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:39,569 help kinksters due to your support. If you'd 548 00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:40,875 like to be part of our community and 549 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,795 get access to extra content and a Discord 550 00:19:42,795 --> 00:19:44,474 server with a group of super cool, super 551 00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:46,394 nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join 552 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,555 us at patreon.com/kaylalords. 553 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,195 That's patreon.com/kaylalords, 554 00:19:51,195 --> 00:19:52,815 or use the link in the show notes.