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You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords

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here with the one, the only, the quite

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sadistic daddy, Joan Brownstone. Yes, ma'am. I thought

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I was in trouble a moment ago when

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you were like, are you waiting on me?

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Because I have a new rule. I'm not

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supposed to wait on you. And actually You're

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supposed to tell me when you're ready. I

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just got

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I sat down to start working and I

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was I knew what I was supposed to

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do and just poof.

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Gone. Yes. So thankfully, while you are, yes,

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a sadistic daddy, you are also a kind

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and understanding daddy who knows that your submissive's

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brain is Swiss cheese. Sometimes.

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Sometimes.

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Anyway In a way,

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we are and we are not talking about

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things like that. Okay. This week, we're answering

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a question from a submissive whose dom is

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a caregiver dom, but they're also a switch.

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And so the submissive is not sure how

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to provide emotional support and let their partner

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have their own, like, little small

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sub moments for emotional support

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too. Mhmm.

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K. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If

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you're new here, we help kinksters like you

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have happy, healthy, power exchange relationships. Add the

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podcast to your favorite podcast app so you

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never miss an episode. And if you have

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a question that you'd like us to answer,

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you can send that into us,

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on our website, lovingBDSM.net.

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That's lovingBDSM.net.

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And in the show notes,

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for this episode is a link literally called

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ask your questions.

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Submit your question there, and it could be

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a future one of these.

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Okay. Let's get into the question. Hi. My

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partner and I are both relatively new to

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BDSM and kink and are in a daddy

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dom relationship. He tries his best to be

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loving and supportive and provides great aftercare that

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makes me feel very safe. He says taking

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on a caregiving role was a surprise to

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him, but that he doesn't dislike it. However,

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I worry that I'm putting too much on

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him and that he may feel that now

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he can't come to me for comfort and

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to be in more of a small, taking

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care of headspace.

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He's a switch. Well, I'm a % submissive.

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My question is, how do you navigate having

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a caregiving dynamic

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and being able to equally provide emotional support?

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I I think,

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there needs to be a conversation.

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Ding ding ding. Right there. Mhmm. Needs to

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be conversation.

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What can I do for you? How can

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I help you navigate this? Mhmm. Mhmm.

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You know, I know some people.

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Lola Lola agrees with me.

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And,

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you know,

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some people, I think, would would kinda look

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into this as,

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you know, having the the the sub give

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them

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support,

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it's almost could say it's like an act

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of service.

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Especially if it's in you know, if you're

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talking about offering support to somebody who is

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made maybe wants to feel submissive or wants

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to feel,

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you know, less dominant,

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then, yes, it it becomes a way to,

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take care of your partner regardless of which

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side of the slash. But that's that would

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be the conversation I would say to have

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is,

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how can I help take care of you

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emotionally?

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The

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conversation I think to have is how can

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I

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emotionally support you when

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you are feeling kind of that submissive headspace

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or when you want that support while in

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a submissive headspace? You know? How are you

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all and the other thing for the person

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asking the question is how are you already

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navigating as a % submissive

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your partner's

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switchy side? You know? Do they have

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other outlets with kink friends? Are you nonmonogamous?

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Are they, you know, currently not really worried

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about their side and they're sort of swimming

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in their dominance a little bit more? You

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know, what the only way you know what

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your partner needs and how you can help

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them is to ask them. But

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from a submissive perspective. Now I say this

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as a service sub, and you may not

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be a service sub, but

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I want to take care

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of my daddy dom

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in my most submissive way and also my

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most supportive way. And so

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I can do that and provide the emotional

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support and feel like, oh, this is me

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within my role because

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it's a thing I do out of love,

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I do out of care, but also I

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do it as I don't think of it

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this way. This is a little clinical, but,

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you know, as, quote, as a service. It's

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not a service. It's a thing you do

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for somebody you care about. But if, in

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y'all's case, if your partner is feeling their

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more submissive side Mhmm. And you're providing that,

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you're not dominating them.

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It's maybe a a top situation, but not

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really. You can be submissive and let somebody

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else be submissive and provide emotional support. Because

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it it it doesn't seem like like this

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person is being

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their top.

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It I use that as a semantic thing.

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You know, we talk about Okay. You know,

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I'm a % submissive, so I'm not going

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to dom you, but I might do an

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activity where I function as the top. See

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what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. It's it's not

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that you're embodying the space headspace of a

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top, but it's a little bit

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it's a word game.

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It's semantics. Right. It's pure semantics. But for

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some people, that helps them kind of understand,

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oh, I'm not the one actually in charge

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here. Mhmm. I am doing this thing for

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my partner that they would normally do for

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me. See what I'm saying? But at the

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very beginning, the thing you said is

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the most important. You need a you need

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to have conversation and specifically ask,

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how can I do this for you? What

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do you need from me? Yeah.

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And then, you know, consistently use sort of

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check ins because

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the longer you're together,

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you're going to start picking up on these

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moments where maybe they need emotional support and

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they're not asking for it.

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You can say,

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hey. Can I help you?

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Whatever you know, when you have the conversation

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with your partner and they're like, hey. Here

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are the things you can do to emotionally

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support me. These are the things I like.

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You're gonna hit situations where they're not specifically

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asking for that support, but you're gonna know

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them well enough and know the situation and

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the context well enough to go, oh, this

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is a thing that maybe

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I should do for them. They have needed

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this in the past.

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As a submissive, one of the things that

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we

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do more often than doms do, depending on

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the dynamic, is we ask before we do

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anything. Yes. Yes. Yes. Everybody should ask because

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consent matters. But in power exchange, where some

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things are understood based on your individual relationship

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and your negotiations,

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and, again, context matters, JB as a dom

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will do things for me automatically

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because he's the one in charge, where if

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I wanna do them for him, I'm gonna

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ask because I'm dismissive. In this case, you

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are honoring your submissive side by seeing your

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partner need something they're not currently asking for,

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and you ask, hey. Is this something

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I can help you with? Hey. Do you,

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you know, you wanna talk? Hey. Well, whatever

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those things are that your partner says, here's

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how you can emotionally support me. Here's how

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you can allow me to kind of be

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in that space I need to be in

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with you. Mhmm. You are still completely submissive

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there even if they're not feeling their dominant

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self in that moment. You know? It's

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it's all I think it's a matter of

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flexibility. It's a matter of learning one another,

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you know, having

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not plans, but sort of ideas in place

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that you can kind of lean on and

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you can, you know, help remind your partner,

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hey. You said I could do this for

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you. Can I do this for you now?

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And still embody your submissive side and and

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allow them to feel however they're feeling in

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the moment, if they're feeling like a caregiver

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or if they're feeling, you know, their submissive

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side, however that works for them. Mhmm.

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But, you know, I

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this question

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is part of,

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the most recent, like, main podcast episodes question.

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I actually pulled that question out of this

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one because it fit the topic more. And

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it's a lot about

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worrying of, am I am I asking for

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too much because I know my partner needs

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and wants other things? And so that kind

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of ties in here. I think you might

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be overthinking this because you are fully aware

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that

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maybe this is not something your partner

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would have naturally gravitated towards, and now you

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think, I'm gonna ask her too much. I'm

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gonna tip the scales, and it's gonna be

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unbalanced. How do I provide that balance?

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You know? Mhmm. It all goes back to

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communication, but True. True. We're time traveling here.

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We're recording this one before we have the

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answer to the the main how do I

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prevent being too much. But my suspicion is

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it's a little bit of learning to trust

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your partner to have their own boundaries and

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to let

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you

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know when they need you and to let

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you know when they can't do the thing

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you're asking for. And and less of worrying

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before you've even

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broached the subject with them and had a

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conversation. Like, we're pre worrying.

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As an anxious person, I get it. I

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pre worry all the time.

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But there there is that as well. You're

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worrying about a thing that hasn't necessarily happened

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yet. You're anticipating it.

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There's

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in any relationship, but certainly power exchange,

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good, clear,

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honest communication is key. And so these are

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the times you lean on that, and you

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just ask the question.

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So now that I've, you know, lectured,

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is there anything you would add to this?

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I I don't really think so. Yeah. Other

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than just to to say, you know,

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in in the wording of the question,

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you know, talking about the communication,

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it

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this kind of boils down to one of

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those situation, you know, nobody's a mind reader.

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Yes.

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Okay. Mhmm. You know, the the big misconception

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sometimes in in BDSM that, you know, your

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mind readers that you automatically know what somebody

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wants, and you and you can't. You you

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can you can't. No. And I think that

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comes from the misconception that all everybody in

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a specific role is having a,

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similar experience and does the same thing and

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wants the same things and so handles things

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the same and so therefore

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maybe you witness

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somebody else's power exchange and here's how their

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dom handles this and here's how that sub

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handles that and

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and

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you know it

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it I think we understand on a deep

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level that will not automatically

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apply but we get kind of worried

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or we assume that there's this, you know,

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script that everybody's following

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and so

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surely they will just do the thing and

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I'm supposed to just do the thing. And

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it goes back to mind reading, but it

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also goes back to thinking there's a script

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you're supposed to follow and there's none of

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that. It was truly when you wanna know

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how do I support my partner, you ask

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them.

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When you worry, am I being too much,

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you ask them. Mhmm. You know? And you

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have to have developed a relationship or be

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in the process of developing a relationship where

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you trust their responses.

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You know, if there's no trust there, that

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screws it all up. But assuming there's, you

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know, trust developing or existing already and it's

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deep enough, then you just

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they're they're a grown ass adult. They they

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should be able to tell you what they

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want slash need if you ask them Yeah.

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Or tell you, I'm still trying to figure

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it out, and maybe y'all can figure it

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out together. Right.

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But, yeah, the the mind reading

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portion, I think, tends to get a lot

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of people. Yeah. And the thinking of, like

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like I said before, a script. Like, everybody

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does the same thing, so, therefore, they should

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just know because they've put on this role

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of daddy dom or whatever. Nope. No. It

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doesn't work that way. Mm-mm.

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Thanks for listening to this week's q and

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a episode. If you want us to answer

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one of your questions, just use the contact

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page on our website at lovingBDSM.net,

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00:12:04,445 --> 00:12:05,644
or you can find the link in the

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show notes. Big thanks as always to our

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kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to

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do this podcast and keep it going and

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help kinksters due to your support.

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If you'd like to be part of our

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community and get access to extra content and

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00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:18,679
a Discord server with a group of super

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cool, super nice kinksters, you can do that.

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Just join us at patreon.com/kaylalords.

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That's patreon.com/kaylalords,

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00:12:25,924 --> 00:12:27,304
or use the link in the show

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notes.