You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords
here with the one, the only, the quite
sadistic daddy, Joan Brownstone. Yes, ma'am. I thought
I was in trouble a moment ago when
you were like, are you waiting on me?
Because I have a new rule. I'm not
supposed to wait on you. And actually You're
supposed to tell me when you're ready. I
just got
I sat down to start working and I
was I knew what I was supposed to
do and just poof.
Gone. Yes. So thankfully, while you are, yes,
a sadistic daddy, you are also a kind
and understanding daddy who knows that your submissive's
brain is Swiss cheese. Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Anyway In a way,
we are and we are not talking about
things like that. Okay. This week, we're answering
a question from a submissive whose dom is
a caregiver dom, but they're also a switch.
And so the submissive is not sure how
to provide emotional support and let their partner
have their own, like, little small
sub moments for emotional support
too. Mhmm.
K. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If
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And in the show notes,
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ask your questions.
Submit your question there, and it could be
a future one of these.
Okay. Let's get into the question. Hi. My
partner and I are both relatively new to
BDSM and kink and are in a daddy
dom relationship. He tries his best to be
loving and supportive and provides great aftercare that
makes me feel very safe. He says taking
on a caregiving role was a surprise to
him, but that he doesn't dislike it. However,
I worry that I'm putting too much on
him and that he may feel that now
he can't come to me for comfort and
to be in more of a small, taking
care of headspace.
He's a switch. Well, I'm a % submissive.
My question is, how do you navigate having
a caregiving dynamic
and being able to equally provide emotional support?
I I think,
there needs to be a conversation.
Ding ding ding. Right there. Mhmm. Needs to
be conversation.
What can I do for you? How can
I help you navigate this? Mhmm. Mhmm.
You know, I know some people.
Lola Lola agrees with me.
And,
you know,
some people, I think, would would kinda look
into this as,
you know, having the the the sub give
them
support,
it's almost could say it's like an act
of service.
Especially if it's in you know, if you're
talking about offering support to somebody who is
made maybe wants to feel submissive or wants
to feel,
you know, less dominant,
then, yes, it it becomes a way to,
take care of your partner regardless of which
side of the slash. But that's that would
be the conversation I would say to have
is,
how can I help take care of you
emotionally?
The
conversation I think to have is how can
I
emotionally support you when
you are feeling kind of that submissive headspace
or when you want that support while in
a submissive headspace? You know? How are you
all and the other thing for the person
asking the question is how are you already
navigating as a % submissive
your partner's
switchy side? You know? Do they have
other outlets with kink friends? Are you nonmonogamous?
Are they, you know, currently not really worried
about their side and they're sort of swimming
in their dominance a little bit more? You
know, what the only way you know what
your partner needs and how you can help
them is to ask them. But
from a submissive perspective. Now I say this
as a service sub, and you may not
be a service sub, but
I want to take care
of my daddy dom
in my most submissive way and also my
most supportive way. And so
I can do that and provide the emotional
support and feel like, oh, this is me
within my role because
it's a thing I do out of love,
I do out of care, but also I
do it as I don't think of it
this way. This is a little clinical, but,
you know, as, quote, as a service. It's
not a service. It's a thing you do
for somebody you care about. But if, in
y'all's case, if your partner is feeling their
more submissive side Mhmm. And you're providing that,
you're not dominating them.
It's maybe a a top situation, but not
really. You can be submissive and let somebody
else be submissive and provide emotional support. Because
it it it doesn't seem like like this
person is being
their top.
It I use that as a semantic thing.
You know, we talk about Okay. You know,
I'm a % submissive, so I'm not going
to dom you, but I might do an
activity where I function as the top. See
what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. It's it's not
that you're embodying the space headspace of a
top, but it's a little bit
it's a word game.
It's semantics. Right. It's pure semantics. But for
some people, that helps them kind of understand,
oh, I'm not the one actually in charge
here. Mhmm. I am doing this thing for
my partner that they would normally do for
me. See what I'm saying? But at the
very beginning, the thing you said is
the most important. You need a you need
to have conversation and specifically ask,
how can I do this for you? What
do you need from me? Yeah.
And then, you know, consistently use sort of
check ins because
the longer you're together,
you're going to start picking up on these
moments where maybe they need emotional support and
they're not asking for it.
You can say,
hey. Can I help you?
Whatever you know, when you have the conversation
with your partner and they're like, hey. Here
are the things you can do to emotionally
support me. These are the things I like.
You're gonna hit situations where they're not specifically
asking for that support, but you're gonna know
them well enough and know the situation and
the context well enough to go, oh, this
is a thing that maybe
I should do for them. They have needed
this in the past.
As a submissive, one of the things that
we
do more often than doms do, depending on
the dynamic, is we ask before we do
anything. Yes. Yes. Yes. Everybody should ask because
consent matters. But in power exchange, where some
things are understood based on your individual relationship
and your negotiations,
and, again, context matters, JB as a dom
will do things for me automatically
because he's the one in charge, where if
I wanna do them for him, I'm gonna
ask because I'm dismissive. In this case, you
are honoring your submissive side by seeing your
partner need something they're not currently asking for,
and you ask, hey. Is this something
I can help you with? Hey. Do you,
you know, you wanna talk? Hey. Well, whatever
those things are that your partner says, here's
how you can emotionally support me. Here's how
you can allow me to kind of be
in that space I need to be in
with you. Mhmm. You are still completely submissive
there even if they're not feeling their dominant
self in that moment. You know? It's
it's all I think it's a matter of
flexibility. It's a matter of learning one another,
you know, having
not plans, but sort of ideas in place
that you can kind of lean on and
you can, you know, help remind your partner,
hey. You said I could do this for
you. Can I do this for you now?
And still embody your submissive side and and
allow them to feel however they're feeling in
the moment, if they're feeling like a caregiver
or if they're feeling, you know, their submissive
side, however that works for them. Mhmm.
But, you know, I
this question
is part of,
the most recent, like, main podcast episodes question.
I actually pulled that question out of this
one because it fit the topic more. And
it's a lot about
worrying of, am I am I asking for
too much because I know my partner needs
and wants other things? And so that kind
of ties in here. I think you might
be overthinking this because you are fully aware
that
maybe this is not something your partner
would have naturally gravitated towards, and now you
think, I'm gonna ask her too much. I'm
gonna tip the scales, and it's gonna be
unbalanced. How do I provide that balance?
You know? Mhmm. It all goes back to
communication, but True. True. We're time traveling here.
We're recording this one before we have the
answer to the the main how do I
prevent being too much. But my suspicion is
it's a little bit of learning to trust
your partner to have their own boundaries and
to let
you
know when they need you and to let
you know when they can't do the thing
you're asking for. And and less of worrying
before you've even
broached the subject with them and had a
conversation. Like, we're pre worrying.
As an anxious person, I get it. I
pre worry all the time.
But there there is that as well. You're
worrying about a thing that hasn't necessarily happened
yet. You're anticipating it.
There's
in any relationship, but certainly power exchange,
good, clear,
honest communication is key. And so these are
the times you lean on that, and you
just ask the question.
So now that I've, you know, lectured,
is there anything you would add to this?
I I don't really think so. Yeah. Other
than just to to say, you know,
in in the wording of the question,
you know, talking about the communication,
it
this kind of boils down to one of
those situation, you know, nobody's a mind reader.
Yes.
Okay. Mhmm. You know, the the big misconception
sometimes in in BDSM that, you know, your
mind readers that you automatically know what somebody
wants, and you and you can't. You you
can you can't. No. And I think that
comes from the misconception that all everybody in
a specific role is having a,
similar experience and does the same thing and
wants the same things and so handles things
the same and so therefore
maybe you witness
somebody else's power exchange and here's how their
dom handles this and here's how that sub
handles that and
and
you know it
it I think we understand on a deep
level that will not automatically
apply but we get kind of worried
or we assume that there's this, you know,
script that everybody's following
and so
surely they will just do the thing and
I'm supposed to just do the thing. And
it goes back to mind reading, but it
also goes back to thinking there's a script
you're supposed to follow and there's none of
that. It was truly when you wanna know
how do I support my partner, you ask
them.
When you worry, am I being too much,
you ask them. Mhmm. You know? And you
have to have developed a relationship or be
in the process of developing a relationship where
you trust their responses.
You know, if there's no trust there, that
screws it all up. But assuming there's, you
know, trust developing or existing already and it's
deep enough, then you just
they're they're a grown ass adult. They they
should be able to tell you what they
want slash need if you ask them Yeah.
Or tell you, I'm still trying to figure
it out, and maybe y'all can figure it
out together. Right.
But, yeah, the the mind reading
portion, I think, tends to get a lot
of people. Yeah. And the thinking of, like
like I said before, a script. Like, everybody
does the same thing, so, therefore, they should
just know because they've put on this role
of daddy dom or whatever. Nope. No. It
doesn't work that way. Mm-mm.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer
one of your questions, just use the contact
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