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You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode

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four thirty five. Kayla Lords here with the

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one, the only, the sleepy,

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eepy

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John Brownstone who's a true trooper because,

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you don't really you're not really all awake

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with us, but you're here and I appreciate

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you. Had a shitty night's sleep last night.

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I know. I know. Insomnia,

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my best friend.

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Yeah. He's come to sit with me again.

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Mhmm. Yeah.

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I I believe insomnia is more of a

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frenemy. Mhmm.

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Putting that out there.

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So I've been asked to keep us on

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point today. Uh-huh.

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Look. I'm gonna take it on as a

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task. I'm gonna do my best.

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Just do what daddy says. I've gotta try.

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We're all fucking hard.

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That is not what we're here for this

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week. This week, the topic comes from actual

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multiple questions we have received recently

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from submissives who have introduced their partner to

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a specific type of dynamic

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and then are hesitant

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to, like, say, I need more. I want

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this. They are they too much? Are they

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too needy? They they're y'all are having the

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feels out there, and so we're gonna talk

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about that. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.

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If this is your first time listening, glad

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to have you. If you're back for another

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week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every

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Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in

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education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.

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I'm back often and feel free to add

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the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You

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can also follow the show on Fetlife at

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loving BDSM PC

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on Instagram and, technically, threads at that handle

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I will forever

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fucking

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hate. Loving d s and the number one,

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so at loving d s one. Oh, on

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blue sky at lovingBDSM.

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Blah blah blah,

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on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM,

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where you can watch us live stream the

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podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

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show notes.

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Okay. So before we get into

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this week's episode,

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we are sponsoring us again.

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We just would like to remind everybody that

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JB makes, kinky toys,

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and we sell those at the kinkery. Thekinkery.com.

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Most importantly, the reason mentioning it, like, now,

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JB's been doing a bunch of restocks. I

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am about to update the inventory on thick

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sticks Mhmm. Which is like if a cane

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and a wooden paddle had a baby.

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If you happen to go to the site

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before I'm able to,

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update the inventory, you can get on the

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wait list and then you'll get an email

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when I do. Mhmm. You've restocked wooden knives,

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which are great for wax play sensation play.

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They

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are an alternative if you are like me

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and consider blades and sharp things like that

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to be a hard limit.

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You get some of the sensation without

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being worried you're going to get cut.

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And I know you're working on on other

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stuff once you get back out on the

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shop later this week. Tomorrow will be a

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whole new,

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yeah. I I I try to get

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stuff in batches Yes. To you. Yes. And

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I appreciate that. Mhmm. So,

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whether you're brand new to us and did

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not know or you're like, oh, I'd forgotten,

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but also I'm ready to spend a little

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money. Thekinkery.com.

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That's us. We are a literal two person

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small business

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making kinky shit and selling it and shipping

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it. Okay? That's junk. Handmade wooden hitty shit.

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Hitty shit. That's our new that's our new

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tagline.

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It used to be weapons of ass destruction,

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but now it's just hitty shit.

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That that seems on brand quite frankly. That

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really, really really does. Yeah. Okay. So

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this week's talk I'm actually gonna be referring

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to my notes because there were so many

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points that I wanted to touch on because

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this is not a broad topic. It's actually

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a fairly narrow topic,

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but there's a lot that can be said

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about it.

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JB's doing a lot of moving over here.

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Yeah.

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You just know I'm gonna need that mouse,

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right, that you've just taken away to the

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other side of the

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Well, I'm gonna need it too.

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Anyway,

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so

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this the idea for this episode came as

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I was looking through the emails we received

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for our q and a episodes where folks

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submit

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cues for us to a. And I was

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trying to pull one for Monday's episode.

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And in at least two of the questions,

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there was an almost word for word similar

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situation.

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In these specific cases,

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the dom was a, caregiver,

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specifically daddy dom, that they had been kind

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of introduced to it by their submissive. They

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did not know they were into it and,

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you know, had that moment of having to

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get comfortable with it. Right? But the submissive

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was like, hell yeah. This is my jam.

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And then the submissive hits a point where

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they're they want to ask for more. They

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want to do more. They want more from

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their daddy dom partner,

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but now they're like, uh-oh. I think I'm

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being too much. I think I'm being too

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needy. And it's the similar vibe that I

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have seen from

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primarily

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submissives, but I have no doubt there are

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dominants who go through your own version of

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this,

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where you just worry you're too much. To

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the point that way

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back in episode 60 Wow. Right? Twenty sixteen

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That was back in the day. Twenty sixteen

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for anybody who wants to know. We actually

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talked

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about the too much, too needy,

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thing that submissives go through as some of

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the myths that submissives believe about themselves. I've

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linked it in the places for anybody who

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wants to go that far back in the

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archive.

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But this was more, in that case, it

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was that general idea that just even mentioning

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your needs somehow makes you too much too

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needy. This is to me a much more

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specific thing where one partner

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introduces

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the other partner

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to a type of power exchange dynamic that

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they had not necessarily considered before.

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That partner goes through some period of maybe

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discomfort, maybe just this is awkward because I'm

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new and I don't know how I feel

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about it yet, but then gets to the

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point where they're like, Yeah, we can do

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this.

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And then that original partner's like

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kinda gets it in their head of, maybe

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they don't really like it as much as

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they're pretending to. And if I ask for

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more,

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I'm doing too much. I'm asking for things

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that right.

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So that's this specific

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conversation. Now here are from the emails,

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that we received,

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the,

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the quest

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the specific question

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comments from each one. For this first one,

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I want more of this dynamic more often,

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but I don't want to ask because I

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don't want to want him to agree

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just because he loves me and wants to

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make me happy.

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But

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but you you want them to agree to

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do stuff because they love you and want

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you to be happy. Right? Right. So They're

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yeah. Okay. And the next one and, y'all,

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these were like, I had to go check.

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I was like, did somebody send the same

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email twice? It does not appear to me.

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This one says, I know that he says

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that he likes it, but I worry that

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I am now stopping him from exploring other

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aspects of kink because he knows how much

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I like him being daddy. I believe him

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when he says he likes taking on that

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role. I feel like a horrible person if

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I ask for more as I don't want

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to take advantage when he's taking on that

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role

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because he wants to make me happy because

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he loves me.

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I'm I'm seeing a common theme here. I

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know.

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I know. Now I have not had them,

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I have not had in the past that

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kind of question

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come up worded quite that closely together,

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but the sentiment is sort of the same.

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Over the years, it's like, I introduced this,

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so

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am I wrong, bad, blah blah blah for

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wanting more than this part that I know

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my partner's comfortable with? So let's sort of

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talk about this. And for anybody who's interested,

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I double checked my thinking on this because

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my thinking on relationships

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comes from all of the various sources of

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things I have learned including my own experience,

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but I wanna make sure I was sort

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of saying these things correctly. So

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I'm I'm over on therapy Jeff's Instagram

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account. I'm at the Gottman Institute,

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which is like,

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I don't know if they're great and amazing,

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but they're kind of well known relationship folks.

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They're quoting Esther Perel who is like the

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the expert on intimacy and and, you know,

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sex in relationships. Like, I'm trying to get

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my shit together. So where this is coming

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from is not just that I have pulled

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it out of my ass. I have backed

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it up from others who are professionals who

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pulled it out of their ass. Thank you

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very much. So let's talk start with the

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first point of this because this there's no

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singular place that these feelings come from,

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and there's no singular reason why people feel

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this way. But there are some things to

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kind of

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think about and also go down kind of

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a checklist of of where is this coming

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from. So the first thing that I've heard

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over and over and over again

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is that and it was a weird feeling

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to to thing to kinda wrap my mind

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around at first, but then I realized we've

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already done this.

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It's the concept that we teach our partners

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how to love us, care for us, do

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for us the things we want them to

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be able to do. Correct. And it's as

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long as they're willing to be teachable.

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It you mentioned it in an episode the

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Monday video actually about not being a mind

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reader. Correct. Right? Correct. So And that and

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that you hear it more often

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referred to as to the Dom Mhmm. To

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the big d. Mhmm.

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But

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the same goes for for the little s.

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Absolutely.

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That whole, you know, mind reading thing goes

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both ways. These specific questions, I don't think

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it was not the mind reading aspect because

270
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,049
they're like, I know I've gotta say it,

271
00:09:45,049 --> 00:09:47,049
but I'm afraid to say it. But that,

272
00:09:47,049 --> 00:09:48,350
I think, is a core

273
00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:49,654
kind of thing

274
00:09:50,035 --> 00:09:50,535
to,

275
00:09:51,475 --> 00:09:53,634
remember in a relationship regardless of how you

276
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,815
style your power exchange, regardless of whether it's

277
00:09:55,955 --> 00:09:57,415
romantic, sexual, platonic.

278
00:09:57,795 --> 00:10:01,235
We are teaching our partners mutually Mhmm. How

279
00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:03,335
to care for us. Right. And

280
00:10:04,549 --> 00:10:06,470
they can only do that with the information

281
00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:06,970
we

282
00:10:07,429 --> 00:10:10,649
give them about what we want and need.

283
00:10:11,429 --> 00:10:13,889
Right? Mhmm. And I think that's a a

284
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:15,289
a pretty clear

285
00:10:15,830 --> 00:10:17,669
concept. I don't think I think once if

286
00:10:17,669 --> 00:10:19,654
it's foreign to you, like, think about it

287
00:10:19,654 --> 00:10:20,975
for a minute but it kind of makes

288
00:10:20,975 --> 00:10:22,815
sense. You know, if you've ever been that

289
00:10:22,815 --> 00:10:24,894
person in a relationship who's like and I

290
00:10:24,894 --> 00:10:26,095
said this. I said this when I was

291
00:10:26,095 --> 00:10:28,335
vanilla. Well, I want flowers but I don't

292
00:10:28,335 --> 00:10:30,495
want to have to ask for flowers because

293
00:10:30,495 --> 00:10:32,815
I want you to want to get me

294
00:10:32,815 --> 00:10:33,315
flowers.

295
00:10:34,940 --> 00:10:36,460
I don't think What's wrong with that picture?

296
00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,300
I don't think that way anymore, but I

297
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,899
was I know I'm not alone. I know

298
00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:41,180
a lot of people who still think that

299
00:10:41,180 --> 00:10:43,580
way. And it's this idea of I kind

300
00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:45,580
of want you to just intuit the things

301
00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:47,040
I need. And Mhmm.

302
00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:49,184
Can you get to that point? Can Jay

303
00:10:49,825 --> 00:10:51,745
is after however many years now, more than

304
00:10:51,745 --> 00:10:53,504
a decade, can Jamie look at me sometimes

305
00:10:53,504 --> 00:10:55,684
and go, I know exactly what she needs?

306
00:10:55,904 --> 00:10:57,585
Sure. But how did he get there? Because

307
00:10:57,585 --> 00:10:59,665
I spent a lot of time teaching him

308
00:10:59,665 --> 00:11:00,629
and showing him and telling

309
00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:02,710
and but wait. And, you know, it it's

310
00:11:02,710 --> 00:11:04,710
funny, and it and it gives me a

311
00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:05,610
bit of cringe,

312
00:11:06,389 --> 00:11:07,850
you know, whether

313
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,309
on TikTok or or,

314
00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:12,710
Instagram, where I see a lot of this

315
00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:13,210
stuff,

316
00:11:13,910 --> 00:11:15,049
you know, you see

317
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,794
a lot of women

318
00:11:17,654 --> 00:11:19,495
who are like, well, he should know. Oh,

319
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:20,315
yeah. There's

320
00:11:20,695 --> 00:11:22,294
there's a lot of that out there. Why

321
00:11:22,294 --> 00:11:23,975
didn't he just know? Why didn't he just

322
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:24,475
do?

323
00:11:24,774 --> 00:11:25,014
And

324
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,894
And not to stereotype, but I think most

325
00:11:27,894 --> 00:11:29,759
of us can stereotype that's typically

326
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,659
non kink thinking. That's vanilla thinking, and it's

327
00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:34,319
the old,

328
00:11:35,179 --> 00:11:37,100
you know, cliches and paradigms and the things

329
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:38,860
we have to break free from in order

330
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:40,379
to have a happy, healthy, power, and shared

331
00:11:40,379 --> 00:11:41,500
relationship. And that's what it was. A lot

332
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,860
of the ones that I come across like

333
00:11:42,860 --> 00:11:44,220
that, they all seem to be non kinky

334
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:44,534
relationships.

335
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,254
Kinky relationship. True true true. Of course you

336
00:11:49,254 --> 00:11:51,174
can, but that's where then you get the

337
00:11:51,174 --> 00:11:52,694
why am I miserable? Why am I not

338
00:11:52,694 --> 00:11:54,855
getting what I want? Why is my dom

339
00:11:54,855 --> 00:11:57,034
not reading my mind? Why doesn't my submissive

340
00:11:57,095 --> 00:11:59,009
just know what they're supposed to do? Like,

341
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,110
that's where you get the dissatisfaction because

342
00:12:01,570 --> 00:12:03,809
if the one of the first tenants of

343
00:12:03,809 --> 00:12:07,090
BDSM in any way, power exchange or just

344
00:12:07,090 --> 00:12:09,029
kinky play, is communication

345
00:12:09,570 --> 00:12:10,929
See what then we all have to use

346
00:12:10,929 --> 00:12:13,009
our our big kid voices and say the

347
00:12:13,009 --> 00:12:15,085
thing. Need one of those Times Square signs

348
00:12:15,085 --> 00:12:16,865
on, you know, you wear and it just

349
00:12:17,164 --> 00:12:19,325
scrolls, you know, what you're thinking and wanting

350
00:12:19,325 --> 00:12:21,164
and needing. Nope. You don't want that. You

351
00:12:21,565 --> 00:12:23,985
look. I want to be able to choose

352
00:12:24,524 --> 00:12:25,424
what I share.

353
00:12:26,284 --> 00:12:29,004
Not just because sometimes I I'm a bitch

354
00:12:29,004 --> 00:12:31,399
in my head. Sure. But also it I

355
00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:33,720
got hamsters running on broken hamster wheels up

356
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,220
here.

357
00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:36,759
Nobody would be able to follow that. My

358
00:12:36,759 --> 00:12:38,200
little board would give out and be like,

359
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,720
nope. We can't keep up with this crazy

360
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,779
shit. Mhmm. Mhmm. So when we talk about,

361
00:12:43,825 --> 00:12:46,465
power exchange and the idea of teaching our

362
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:48,245
partners what we need Right.

363
00:12:49,745 --> 00:12:51,764
As you're doing that, when you're new to

364
00:12:51,985 --> 00:12:54,304
your dynamic, whether it's the style of dynamic

365
00:12:54,304 --> 00:12:55,764
or power exchange in general,

366
00:12:56,529 --> 00:12:58,149
you are both learning simultaneously.

367
00:12:59,169 --> 00:13:01,009
So like in the case of these specific

368
00:13:01,009 --> 00:13:03,409
questions we got, they figured out and their

369
00:13:03,409 --> 00:13:05,649
partners said, sure, let's do this of the

370
00:13:05,649 --> 00:13:06,149
caregiver

371
00:13:06,769 --> 00:13:08,149
little kind of dynamic.

372
00:13:08,690 --> 00:13:08,874
And they knew to ask for things in

373
00:13:08,874 --> 00:13:08,902
the beginning of that, but in this case

374
00:13:08,902 --> 00:13:08,929
the submissives of, hey, let's do this. And

375
00:13:08,929 --> 00:13:09,429
it's

376
00:13:11,009 --> 00:13:11,355
as

377
00:13:13,195 --> 00:13:15,375
of, hey, let's do this. And it's as

378
00:13:15,514 --> 00:13:17,434
you get that that and you maybe start

379
00:13:17,434 --> 00:13:20,554
to feel safer, the trust develops, you just

380
00:13:20,554 --> 00:13:21,995
learn more about what you want, but then

381
00:13:21,995 --> 00:13:24,315
you realize that you want new and more

382
00:13:24,315 --> 00:13:24,815
things.

383
00:13:25,230 --> 00:13:27,870
That is a natural progression of this. Sure.

384
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:29,709
And and, you know, just like us, we

385
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,190
are not the same people we were when

386
00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:34,509
we met. No. You know, how many years

387
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:35,250
ago now?

388
00:13:36,429 --> 00:13:37,330
Two weeks ago.

389
00:13:38,274 --> 00:13:40,434
Yeah. At least. Something like that. I'm too

390
00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:43,075
young. Yeah. And and and people change, people

391
00:13:43,075 --> 00:13:45,254
grow, you know, different things.

392
00:13:45,794 --> 00:13:46,294
And,

393
00:13:46,995 --> 00:13:47,575
you know,

394
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,495
even us, we are not the same. Our,

395
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:55,460
power exchange is different. Mhmm. Definitely different from

396
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,279
what it was.

397
00:13:57,460 --> 00:14:00,340
We are different how we handle our power

398
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,580
exchange. We some things we still want the

399
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,100
same stuff, some things are a little different

400
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,639
that we want. But

401
00:14:06,485 --> 00:14:08,664
the the point of it is, you know,

402
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:11,524
through this growth, through this change, we have

403
00:14:11,524 --> 00:14:12,345
kept communicating.

404
00:14:12,725 --> 00:14:14,964
Mhmm. K? So we know where each one

405
00:14:14,964 --> 00:14:17,704
is and what the other wants. Right. Absolutely.

406
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,904
So that's kind of the

407
00:14:21,284 --> 00:14:23,649
starting point for anybody who might be recognizing

408
00:14:23,789 --> 00:14:25,169
themselves in some of this

409
00:14:26,110 --> 00:14:28,509
we're doing this thing, I want more, I

410
00:14:28,509 --> 00:14:30,509
don't I'm afraid to say more, right? Those

411
00:14:30,509 --> 00:14:32,350
kinds of things. So let's start with just

412
00:14:32,350 --> 00:14:33,870
keep that in your mind. We are each

413
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:36,049
we are all teaching each other how

414
00:14:36,644 --> 00:14:37,144
we

415
00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:40,345
want to be treated, be loved, be whatever

416
00:14:40,644 --> 00:14:43,445
Mhmm. In these relationships. That's just part of

417
00:14:43,445 --> 00:14:44,664
it. And and the the

418
00:14:45,845 --> 00:14:48,164
air quotes I won't say easiest. The simplest

419
00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:50,279
method, which is not the easiest because it's

420
00:14:50,279 --> 00:14:52,920
it is difficult, is clear communication. Just sit

421
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,000
down at some time that works for both

422
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,060
of you and go, hey.

423
00:14:56,519 --> 00:14:57,960
This is a thing I can't stop thinking

424
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,320
about. This is a thing I'd like to

425
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:00,139
try. Right?

426
00:15:00,519 --> 00:15:01,019
The,

427
00:15:02,615 --> 00:15:05,434
the ask does not mean you get it.

428
00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:09,414
So if the worry is too much, too

429
00:15:09,414 --> 00:15:10,634
demanding, too whatever,

430
00:15:11,654 --> 00:15:13,654
you know, that you leave that that ball

431
00:15:13,654 --> 00:15:14,855
in your partner's court to decide that they

432
00:15:14,855 --> 00:15:15,179
want to

433
00:15:19,259 --> 00:15:20,000
Right? Because,

434
00:15:20,539 --> 00:15:23,039
go back to it, nobody's a mind reader.

435
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,480
Right? Okay. So

436
00:15:25,659 --> 00:15:27,067
let's go through the sure. Go ahead. And

437
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,154
then ahead. And then and then you gotta

438
00:15:28,154 --> 00:15:29,914
be careful too because you may come to

439
00:15:29,914 --> 00:15:31,754
me and ask me, say, you know, daddy,

440
00:15:31,754 --> 00:15:34,235
I I want this. I, you know, can

441
00:15:34,235 --> 00:15:34,315
you

442
00:15:35,355 --> 00:15:37,514
and I'll be like, yeah. But I'm gonna

443
00:15:37,514 --> 00:15:39,215
put my own little twist on it.

444
00:15:39,769 --> 00:15:41,690
Oh, I know. There are times I'll actually

445
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,370
say, I really wanna ask you for this

446
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:45,129
thing, but I know some of the ways

447
00:15:45,129 --> 00:15:46,809
you could take this in a whole different

448
00:15:46,809 --> 00:15:48,649
direction, and I am now afraid to ask

449
00:15:48,649 --> 00:15:49,710
you this thing.

450
00:15:51,049 --> 00:15:52,889
And that's part of the communication process of

451
00:15:52,889 --> 00:15:54,455
me saying, hey. I I I wanna tell

452
00:15:54,455 --> 00:15:56,195
you a thing, but I'm a little uneasy,

453
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:56,915
uncertain.

454
00:15:57,375 --> 00:16:00,735
My uncertainty comes from knowing JB. In the

455
00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:03,215
beginning days, it's the not knowing. It's the

456
00:16:03,215 --> 00:16:05,855
not knowing how your partner might respond. So

457
00:16:05,855 --> 00:16:07,154
let's go through

458
00:16:07,855 --> 00:16:10,309
some of the things that could be

459
00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:13,410
leading to these feelings, this too much, too

460
00:16:13,410 --> 00:16:15,670
needy, I can't ask for these things. Right?

461
00:16:15,970 --> 00:16:17,429
And it's not that

462
00:16:17,730 --> 00:16:19,330
a single one will be right. It could

463
00:16:19,330 --> 00:16:20,230
be some combination.

464
00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:23,414
Hell, I've got one, two, three, six here,

465
00:16:23,414 --> 00:16:25,414
and they could be something I hadn't considered.

466
00:16:25,414 --> 00:16:27,195
But these are the what I think

467
00:16:27,575 --> 00:16:28,934
are the most common ones. We'll go through

468
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,394
them point by point. Okay.

469
00:16:31,014 --> 00:16:32,695
This one, I didn't ask the question. It's

470
00:16:32,695 --> 00:16:34,934
a point I need everybody to remember. Your

471
00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:36,970
needs are valid. That's true. And so then

472
00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:38,410
the question I want you to ask yourself

473
00:16:38,490 --> 00:16:40,410
feelings. Right. Is do I think that I'm

474
00:16:40,410 --> 00:16:42,090
not I'm not allowed to have these needs,

475
00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:44,809
that I'm wrong for having these needs, that,

476
00:16:45,049 --> 00:16:47,370
I'm doing in this for these people who

477
00:16:47,370 --> 00:16:49,934
ask the question, they're submissives. But so am

478
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:52,254
I doing submission wrong? Right? Am I doing

479
00:16:52,254 --> 00:16:54,815
power exchange wrong because I have these needs?

480
00:16:54,815 --> 00:16:56,674
And then those again,

481
00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:58,434
the point to remember

482
00:16:58,815 --> 00:17:01,795
is that your needs are valid. They're valid.

483
00:17:02,450 --> 00:17:05,170
It's like your emotions are valid. It's the

484
00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:06,690
the thing that you feel, the thing that

485
00:17:06,690 --> 00:17:09,250
you want is always valid. It's the action

486
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,070
that you take that determines whether it's okay

487
00:17:12,130 --> 00:17:13,190
or not. Right?

488
00:17:14,529 --> 00:17:16,470
And if you do not,

489
00:17:18,974 --> 00:17:20,335
there's a word I want and I can't

490
00:17:20,335 --> 00:17:21,615
think of it. But basically, if you do

491
00:17:21,615 --> 00:17:22,835
not believe internally

492
00:17:23,295 --> 00:17:25,934
that what you want is okay to want,

493
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:27,775
it becomes a whole hell of a lot

494
00:17:27,775 --> 00:17:30,654
harder to tell your partner that you want

495
00:17:30,654 --> 00:17:32,035
the thing. Right?

496
00:17:33,299 --> 00:17:34,900
Now I think some of that could be

497
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,220
carried over from the taboo of kink. Right?

498
00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:39,140
I'm not supposed to want this. This is,

499
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:41,299
you know Mhmm. Some part of my upbringing

500
00:17:41,299 --> 00:17:43,299
is convincing me this is wrong. Well, I

501
00:17:43,299 --> 00:17:45,160
mean, you know, I I know for myself,

502
00:17:46,924 --> 00:17:49,164
there was a in the especially in the

503
00:17:49,164 --> 00:17:51,025
very beginning, in the early days

504
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,184
of of my journey in the lifestyle,

505
00:17:53,964 --> 00:17:56,684
there was a lot of, religious guilt. True.

506
00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,924
Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can imagine. That that

507
00:17:58,924 --> 00:18:00,785
sparked feelings of that, you know.

508
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,319
Right. So then it becomes harder to say

509
00:18:03,319 --> 00:18:04,759
the thing you want because you're like, I

510
00:18:04,759 --> 00:18:06,839
feel like shit for this. There's the other

511
00:18:06,839 --> 00:18:09,480
side, and I'm speaking specifically to submissives here.

512
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,000
I'm sure it can happen to doms, but

513
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,599
I think it's gonna happen in a different

514
00:18:12,599 --> 00:18:13,095
way and

515
00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:16,214
maybe even be rare, but I don't know.

516
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:18,294
For submissives to have needs and wants can

517
00:18:18,294 --> 00:18:18,794
feel

518
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:22,214
like it's somehow wrong because, well, I'm a

519
00:18:22,214 --> 00:18:22,714
submissive.

520
00:18:23,095 --> 00:18:25,194
I'm supposed to want what my partner wants.

521
00:18:25,414 --> 00:18:26,519
No. Mm-mm. That's

522
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:27,500
no.

523
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,200
Ideally, you'll want at least some of what

524
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,759
your partner wants because if you don't, then

525
00:18:31,759 --> 00:18:32,859
I think you're incompatible.

526
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,720
But you get to want and need what

527
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,960
you want and need. Right. It's like a

528
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,519
Venn diagram. It it's an overlap. That's that's

529
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,194
my favorite analogy. It's yeah. You find the

530
00:18:42,194 --> 00:18:44,275
Venn diagram. There's your wants and needs, their

531
00:18:44,275 --> 00:18:46,434
wants and needs. And Where it overlaps? What

532
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:47,954
meets in the middle. And that's what you're

533
00:18:47,954 --> 00:18:49,954
gonna focus on. And y'all might pull in

534
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:52,355
things that you want more than your partner

535
00:18:52,355 --> 00:18:54,454
does. And they want and you might allow

536
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,509
yourself to do things that they want more

537
00:18:56,509 --> 00:18:59,549
than you do. That comes after time, experience,

538
00:18:59,549 --> 00:19:01,789
and trust. Right. And and, yeah. Because I

539
00:19:01,869 --> 00:19:03,309
yeah. I was gonna add to that too.

540
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,769
You know, one once trust,

541
00:19:05,869 --> 00:19:07,630
then that opens the door for other things

542
00:19:07,630 --> 00:19:08,609
too. Right. Exactly.

543
00:19:08,910 --> 00:19:10,210
But where you begin

544
00:19:10,884 --> 00:19:12,644
at the at the start is the Venn

545
00:19:12,644 --> 00:19:14,724
diagram. Right? Is the overlap. And then you

546
00:19:14,724 --> 00:19:17,125
can expand from there. Mhmm. And that Venn

547
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:19,365
diagram will absolutely shift and change over time

548
00:19:19,365 --> 00:19:20,744
because, like we said earlier,

549
00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:23,044
there will be things that you didn't know

550
00:19:23,044 --> 00:19:25,140
you wanted until you learned about it. Right?

551
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:26,339
And now you've got to talk about it.

552
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:28,579
And is your partner interested or not? Are

553
00:19:28,579 --> 00:19:30,119
they willing to do it or not?

554
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:32,900
I think there's this thing thinking that if

555
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:36,359
our partner is not as excited and enthusiastic

556
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,759
about a thing as we are,

557
00:19:39,974 --> 00:19:41,994
then we should not do it. Right.

558
00:19:42,295 --> 00:19:44,695
And you want them to be willing and

559
00:19:44,695 --> 00:19:46,934
not coerce and to be like, heck yeah.

560
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,234
I'm all in on this.

561
00:19:48,615 --> 00:19:49,355
But sometimes,

562
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:52,759
you want something more than your partner wants

563
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,240
it. Yeah. That's okay. As long as it's

564
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:55,980
not completely

565
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:59,240
uneven where you are always getting what you

566
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,240
want more than your partner is getting what

567
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,480
they want or yeah. And one of you

568
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,380
is not experiencing,

569
00:20:05,414 --> 00:20:07,735
air quote, this because it's subjective, enough of

570
00:20:07,735 --> 00:20:10,215
what you want while your partner seems to

571
00:20:10,215 --> 00:20:13,595
be swimming in what they want. Those imbalances

572
00:20:13,735 --> 00:20:14,555
are a problem.

573
00:20:14,855 --> 00:20:17,035
Now, you know, I I will say sometimes,

574
00:20:18,430 --> 00:20:20,690
you know, as as a big d,

575
00:20:21,070 --> 00:20:22,130
there are times

576
00:20:22,670 --> 00:20:24,830
you can, you know, especially if you've been

577
00:20:24,830 --> 00:20:27,009
with somebody long enough, you can kind of,

578
00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:30,765
get a feeling of where they're at. Mhmm.

579
00:20:30,984 --> 00:20:31,565
Mhmm. Absolutely.

580
00:20:32,345 --> 00:20:32,845
Like,

581
00:20:34,105 --> 00:20:35,964
for you, Monday was a very,

582
00:20:36,265 --> 00:20:39,144
very emotional day. Oh, yeah. It's a rough

583
00:20:39,144 --> 00:20:41,304
day. Yep. It was a rough day. And

584
00:20:41,304 --> 00:20:42,904
and what did I do that night? I

585
00:20:42,904 --> 00:20:44,984
spanked your ass. You did. It was delight.

586
00:20:44,984 --> 00:20:47,000
I flogged your ass. You got me giggling

587
00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:50,820
Yeah. At certain points. Right. Mhmm. Mhmm. So,

588
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:51,400
you know,

589
00:20:52,339 --> 00:20:54,119
you sometimes you can kinda see,

590
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,339
you know, as how things And also you're

591
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,820
basing it on past experiences. We've gone through

592
00:20:58,820 --> 00:21:02,835
emotional times together. We've explored how we deal

593
00:21:02,835 --> 00:21:04,934
with those things. So Now you're pulling

594
00:21:05,315 --> 00:21:07,634
from experience. Advantage that, you know, we we

595
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:10,035
are pretty much together all day long. Yes.

596
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:10,855
That does help.

597
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:12,755
That does help. You know. So that that

598
00:21:12,755 --> 00:21:13,955
does help to a certain extent. I don't

599
00:21:13,955 --> 00:21:15,795
have to communicate quite as much because he's

600
00:21:15,795 --> 00:21:18,590
already witnessed it. Yeah. The communication comes in

601
00:21:19,049 --> 00:21:21,049
if JB does not understand my response to

602
00:21:21,049 --> 00:21:21,549
something

603
00:21:22,009 --> 00:21:24,090
or if I have been processing in my

604
00:21:24,090 --> 00:21:26,570
mind and and realized some things that would

605
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:27,390
not have been

606
00:21:28,090 --> 00:21:30,009
obvious from the interaction or that are new

607
00:21:30,090 --> 00:21:33,424
if it's new information to me, it's 99%

608
00:21:33,424 --> 00:21:35,204
of the time new information to JB.

609
00:21:35,825 --> 00:21:37,664
So, yeah, there is that, okay, if he

610
00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:39,265
can see it me going through it, then

611
00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:40,884
he kind of can get an idea

612
00:21:41,585 --> 00:21:44,305
of what's what. Right. Mhmm. But the the

613
00:21:44,305 --> 00:21:47,450
thing there that always remains true is that

614
00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:49,710
if JB reads the room incorrectly,

615
00:21:50,329 --> 00:21:52,490
I always have the ability to say for

616
00:21:52,490 --> 00:21:53,849
it out or go, hey. Absolutely. I see

617
00:21:53,849 --> 00:21:55,049
what you're trying to do here. I really

618
00:21:55,049 --> 00:21:57,210
appreciate it, but this is not Not the

619
00:21:57,210 --> 00:21:58,649
time. This is not it. We gotta do

620
00:21:58,649 --> 00:21:59,710
something different. Yeah.

621
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:02,095
And, you know, being able to say that

622
00:22:02,174 --> 00:22:02,674
again,

623
00:22:03,134 --> 00:22:04,654
I'm starting drinking game. How many times do

624
00:22:04,654 --> 00:22:06,194
I say trust in this episode?

625
00:22:06,494 --> 00:22:08,015
That comes down to trust. It comes down

626
00:22:08,015 --> 00:22:10,174
to confidence in in our relationship and in

627
00:22:10,174 --> 00:22:12,255
knowing I can say that, and I'm not

628
00:22:12,255 --> 00:22:14,595
afraid to have to put this, you know,

629
00:22:14,654 --> 00:22:15,795
the brakes on something

630
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,710
because it's not really what I want or

631
00:22:18,710 --> 00:22:20,549
need in the moment, and it's enough of

632
00:22:20,549 --> 00:22:22,309
a not want or need that it's like,

633
00:22:22,309 --> 00:22:23,849
we I don't wanna do this.

634
00:22:25,269 --> 00:22:27,509
And I want everybody to walk into any

635
00:22:27,509 --> 00:22:29,589
kink situation and immediately be able to do

636
00:22:29,589 --> 00:22:31,625
that, but I know that, you know, when

637
00:22:31,625 --> 00:22:33,625
you're new and you're developing the trust between

638
00:22:33,625 --> 00:22:34,764
you and a power exchange,

639
00:22:35,144 --> 00:22:36,585
it can take a while for that to

640
00:22:36,585 --> 00:22:37,804
feel easy.

641
00:22:38,105 --> 00:22:40,264
Like, it is always available and everybody should

642
00:22:40,264 --> 00:22:41,644
always use it, but

643
00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:44,284
it's over time that it can get easier.

644
00:22:45,049 --> 00:22:45,549
So

645
00:22:46,089 --> 00:22:48,029
I kind of combined point one and two

646
00:22:48,089 --> 00:22:48,589
because

647
00:22:49,049 --> 00:22:51,529
saying that your needs are valid is then

648
00:22:51,529 --> 00:22:52,349
you have to

649
00:22:52,650 --> 00:22:54,329
the opposite to that is or the question

650
00:22:54,329 --> 00:22:55,690
to that is Mhmm. Do you think you

651
00:22:55,690 --> 00:22:57,769
don't deserve what you want? Right? That you're

652
00:22:57,769 --> 00:22:59,769
not worthy of it, that you're not allowed

653
00:22:59,769 --> 00:23:00,404
to have it.

654
00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:02,105
Typically, submissives

655
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:04,345
feel I think feel this,

656
00:23:05,045 --> 00:23:05,545
strongly.

657
00:23:06,005 --> 00:23:08,965
Not all submissives, not all the time, but

658
00:23:08,965 --> 00:23:10,505
if this is a feeling you're having,

659
00:23:10,965 --> 00:23:13,045
yeah, because of the the bullshit tropes we're

660
00:23:13,045 --> 00:23:14,265
given. I can imagine

661
00:23:14,779 --> 00:23:16,539
because you talked about, like, religious guilt. I

662
00:23:16,539 --> 00:23:18,799
can imagine Dom's feeling this way.

663
00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:23,019
But I and you are only one Dom.

664
00:23:23,019 --> 00:23:25,019
You do not speak for all Dom's everywhere.

665
00:23:25,019 --> 00:23:25,919
I know that.

666
00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:28,674
Have you ever had that feeling with any

667
00:23:28,674 --> 00:23:30,615
partner before me, since whatever,

668
00:23:31,234 --> 00:23:33,095
where you did not want to

669
00:23:33,474 --> 00:23:35,014
you didn't feel like you could

670
00:23:36,835 --> 00:23:38,934
initiate or ask for or negotiate

671
00:23:39,394 --> 00:23:41,315
a type of play, a type of dynamic,

672
00:23:41,315 --> 00:23:41,815
anything

673
00:23:42,194 --> 00:23:43,254
within kink

674
00:23:43,769 --> 00:23:46,009
because maybe you shouldn't do that. Maybe it

675
00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:47,950
was too much. Maybe it was

676
00:23:49,850 --> 00:23:50,350
Yes.

677
00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:52,350
Okay. Tell us about that.

678
00:23:53,210 --> 00:23:55,609
It, you know, it it it's mostly been

679
00:23:55,609 --> 00:23:57,070
in the past Sure.

680
00:23:57,725 --> 00:23:59,105
At this point. But,

681
00:24:00,684 --> 00:24:03,244
you know, it it it just comes to

682
00:24:03,244 --> 00:24:03,744
a

683
00:24:04,045 --> 00:24:05,484
to a point, you know, you you talk

684
00:24:05,484 --> 00:24:07,025
about, you know, I

685
00:24:07,965 --> 00:24:08,945
I don't really

686
00:24:09,805 --> 00:24:11,150
like this term

687
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:12,750
in a sense, you know,

688
00:24:14,090 --> 00:24:14,830
not enough.

689
00:24:15,289 --> 00:24:16,809
Yeah. I don't like it either. Okay. Not

690
00:24:16,809 --> 00:24:17,309
enough.

691
00:24:18,170 --> 00:24:20,430
I I I don't like it because

692
00:24:20,730 --> 00:24:22,750
it it's not a matter of

693
00:24:23,345 --> 00:24:24,484
not being enough,

694
00:24:24,865 --> 00:24:25,365
it

695
00:24:25,825 --> 00:24:27,585
is more a matter, I think, of your

696
00:24:27,585 --> 00:24:28,724
kinks being misaligned.

697
00:24:29,184 --> 00:24:31,265
Yes. And that is, I think, the fact

698
00:24:31,265 --> 00:24:33,184
of it. But before we learn that, we

699
00:24:33,184 --> 00:24:34,705
feel the way. Or you need to, you

700
00:24:34,705 --> 00:24:37,205
know, talk, and and kind of

701
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:41,059
negotiate and find the middle ground.

702
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,440
You know, but, yeah, there there have been

703
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,740
times in the past where,

704
00:24:45,039 --> 00:24:45,700
you know,

705
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,174
no, I I can't quite go that far,

706
00:24:50,174 --> 00:24:52,095
you know. I I It's too much. It's

707
00:24:52,095 --> 00:24:54,414
too much. Too much. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

708
00:24:54,414 --> 00:24:55,615
it it's it's,

709
00:24:57,695 --> 00:24:58,515
it's my boundary,

710
00:24:59,535 --> 00:25:02,174
so to speak, you know. But that that

711
00:25:02,174 --> 00:25:04,674
boundary, was it a boundary because you

712
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,160
you felt like you were asking for too

713
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,240
much or you needed too much or that

714
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,140
you in this case, maybe you shouldn't be

715
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,600
go back with the religious guilt that you

716
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,680
shouldn't be doing. Should is, like, the keyword

717
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,059
there. I should, I shouldn't.

718
00:25:18,894 --> 00:25:21,406
You know, the the the the whole religious

719
00:25:21,406 --> 00:25:24,335
guilt, yeah. That that was a big thing

720
00:25:24,335 --> 00:25:26,654
for me to get over Mhmm. Early on.

721
00:25:26,654 --> 00:25:27,954
Mhmm. And,

722
00:25:29,615 --> 00:25:30,255
you know, it

723
00:25:31,349 --> 00:25:33,109
for the most part, I'm past it. Every

724
00:25:33,109 --> 00:25:34,089
once in a while

725
00:25:34,470 --> 00:25:35,369
Sure. You know,

726
00:25:35,750 --> 00:25:36,809
certain it kinda

727
00:25:37,349 --> 00:25:38,569
peeks its head out.

728
00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:41,450
Well, at this point, was it

729
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:43,509
not it was it was more than half

730
00:25:43,509 --> 00:25:44,789
your life at this point? You were in

731
00:25:44,789 --> 00:25:47,755
your thirties, into your forties before you kinda

732
00:25:47,755 --> 00:25:49,035
got away from some of that, or were

733
00:25:49,035 --> 00:25:50,174
you closer to 50?

734
00:25:51,035 --> 00:25:53,215
Probably late closer to 50.

735
00:25:53,674 --> 00:25:55,355
That's a lot of time. Yeah. I mean,

736
00:25:55,355 --> 00:25:57,855
you're only you're not quite mid sixties yet.

737
00:25:57,914 --> 00:25:58,414
So

738
00:25:58,715 --> 00:26:00,474
that's a lot of time to have been

739
00:26:00,474 --> 00:26:03,269
indoctrinated in into certain ways of thinking, to

740
00:26:03,269 --> 00:26:06,150
have been treated certain ways based on x

741
00:26:06,150 --> 00:26:07,769
y z, and then to

742
00:26:08,230 --> 00:26:08,730
undo

743
00:26:09,429 --> 00:26:11,210
that so that you could then

744
00:26:11,669 --> 00:26:14,069
do Move forward. Move forward. Right. And live

745
00:26:14,069 --> 00:26:16,144
your best kink life. Right. Right. You know?

746
00:26:16,144 --> 00:26:18,224
But, you know, getting getting back to that

747
00:26:18,224 --> 00:26:18,884
whole thing,

748
00:26:19,904 --> 00:26:22,005
for the most part, it it's kinda like,

749
00:26:24,065 --> 00:26:24,384
you know

750
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,940
you know, yeah, you you like spanking,

751
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,700
and and I like spanking,

752
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,079
you know, but then after that, you wanna

753
00:26:34,079 --> 00:26:36,640
go into this deep humiliation scene, and, you

754
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:38,400
know, I I can't do that. That's not

755
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,480
who I am Right. Kind of thing. You

756
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:41,299
know, so,

757
00:26:41,855 --> 00:26:42,355
yeah.

758
00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:45,535
Either way, it it's not about not being

759
00:26:45,535 --> 00:26:47,234
enough. It's about being whether

760
00:26:47,695 --> 00:26:50,095
your kids align. Absolutely. That is always true.

761
00:26:50,095 --> 00:26:51,695
Yeah. That is always true. But that that

762
00:26:51,695 --> 00:26:54,255
deep seated thought of thinking it Mhmm. Is

763
00:26:54,255 --> 00:26:56,700
what folks have to What? Yeah. If that

764
00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:58,700
resonates to overcome. You gotta look at it

765
00:26:58,700 --> 00:26:59,820
and know that's what it is, and then

766
00:26:59,820 --> 00:27:01,420
overcome it. That's that angry voice in your

767
00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:01,920
head.

768
00:27:03,099 --> 00:27:05,019
Yep. Okay. So let's go through our list.

769
00:27:05,019 --> 00:27:08,000
The next one, and this one speaks specifically

770
00:27:08,140 --> 00:27:08,799
to submissives

771
00:27:09,259 --> 00:27:12,684
because of that too much myth thing from

772
00:27:12,904 --> 00:27:14,924
episode 60 in 2016.

773
00:27:15,465 --> 00:27:17,625
And I I want you to ask yourself

774
00:27:17,625 --> 00:27:18,365
if these

775
00:27:18,664 --> 00:27:21,085
feelings resonate, if you have had this similar

776
00:27:21,144 --> 00:27:22,985
kind of, oh, I can't ask for this

777
00:27:22,985 --> 00:27:23,485
thing.

778
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,160
Are you worried that you're somehow not really

779
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,740
submissive, not air quote, not submissive enough,

780
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:31,380
not being submissive

781
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:32,420
when you

782
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:34,339
ask for things?

783
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,660
None of that's true, by the way.

784
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,220
Right. But that doesn't stop us from

785
00:27:41,625 --> 00:27:42,204
find people we can trust

786
00:27:42,505 --> 00:27:44,505
and, you know, become comfortable with who we

787
00:27:44,505 --> 00:27:47,085
are and all that and mature in our

788
00:27:47,544 --> 00:27:49,865
kink life. That doesn't mean it's not something

789
00:27:49,865 --> 00:27:52,424
that you might think for whatever reason. Whether

790
00:27:52,424 --> 00:27:53,756
you got sucked into some one true way

791
00:27:53,756 --> 00:27:53,893
bullshit or you've heard too many people tell

792
00:27:53,893 --> 00:27:54,809
you there's a right way

793
00:27:55,289 --> 00:27:57,769
bullshit or you've heard too many people tell

794
00:27:57,769 --> 00:27:59,370
you there's a right way and a wrong

795
00:27:59,370 --> 00:28:01,289
way to do this and, you know, there's

796
00:28:01,289 --> 00:28:03,370
all kinds of reasons that we might have

797
00:28:03,370 --> 00:28:05,150
those thoughts. But when you're going,

798
00:28:05,529 --> 00:28:07,210
oh, I I shouldn't ask for this. I

799
00:28:07,210 --> 00:28:08,730
can't ask for this. I'm I'm gonna be

800
00:28:08,730 --> 00:28:10,430
too much. Maybe I'm being too needy.

801
00:28:12,144 --> 00:28:13,825
The too much and too needy is its

802
00:28:13,825 --> 00:28:15,664
own thing, but it I think it also

803
00:28:15,664 --> 00:28:17,105
can come from other places. And one of

804
00:28:17,105 --> 00:28:18,705
those things is do you somehow not feel

805
00:28:18,705 --> 00:28:20,785
like you're being submissive enough when you just

806
00:28:20,785 --> 00:28:22,325
ask for what the fuck you want?

807
00:28:23,585 --> 00:28:25,664
You are. Because here's the thing, here's the

808
00:28:25,664 --> 00:28:28,039
thing. When I ask JB for something,

809
00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:31,779
that's me communicating clearly my needs. Right? My

810
00:28:31,779 --> 00:28:32,839
wants, my desires.

811
00:28:33,859 --> 00:28:35,079
What I then do

812
00:28:35,619 --> 00:28:38,674
is I sit back and wait for JB's

813
00:28:38,674 --> 00:28:40,914
response. That's two things. One, that's consent. Right?

814
00:28:40,914 --> 00:28:43,634
Everybody gets that. But also, if he consents

815
00:28:43,634 --> 00:28:45,714
to it, then it's within his power. It's

816
00:28:45,714 --> 00:28:48,355
within his control. He's still very much a

817
00:28:48,355 --> 00:28:50,515
dominant. I am still very much a submissive

818
00:28:50,515 --> 00:28:52,515
because all I've done is say, hey. I'd

819
00:28:52,515 --> 00:28:54,430
like this thing. And, And, you know, let's

820
00:28:54,430 --> 00:28:56,109
talk about our limits. Let's negotiate it. But,

821
00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:57,390
hey. Here's what you need to know about

822
00:28:57,390 --> 00:28:59,250
me liking this thing and wanting this thing.

823
00:28:59,309 --> 00:29:01,230
And then the ball's in his fucking court,

824
00:29:01,230 --> 00:29:03,309
and he gets to decide, and he is

825
00:29:03,309 --> 00:29:04,670
in charge of all of that, and he

826
00:29:04,670 --> 00:29:06,049
has the power and control.

827
00:29:07,255 --> 00:29:09,734
Communicating your needs does not somehow, oh, this

828
00:29:09,734 --> 00:29:11,095
is so gross to me, make you less

829
00:29:11,095 --> 00:29:11,595
submissive.

830
00:29:11,974 --> 00:29:13,355
It makes you a responsible

831
00:29:13,974 --> 00:29:14,474
kinkster.

832
00:29:14,855 --> 00:29:17,494
Right. You know? It makes you it it

833
00:29:17,494 --> 00:29:19,494
makes you the a purse the type of

834
00:29:19,494 --> 00:29:21,595
kinkster that your partner can trust.

835
00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:23,900
You know? If you're not talking about your

836
00:29:23,900 --> 00:29:25,599
wants and needs out of some,

837
00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:26,640
you know,

838
00:29:28,220 --> 00:29:31,019
belief or fear that to do so is

839
00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:32,559
somehow not submissive,

840
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,694
it makes me wanna gag,

841
00:29:35,575 --> 00:29:36,615
but you are then

842
00:29:37,575 --> 00:29:39,894
you know, you're you're not somebody that your

843
00:29:39,894 --> 00:29:42,294
partner can trust either because how can they

844
00:29:42,294 --> 00:29:42,794
make,

845
00:29:43,575 --> 00:29:45,974
well informed decisions if they don't know what

846
00:29:45,974 --> 00:29:48,119
you want and need? They you you know

847
00:29:48,740 --> 00:29:49,799
Mhmm. Also,

848
00:29:50,259 --> 00:29:53,539
I need everybody, but definitely submissives who struggle

849
00:29:53,539 --> 00:29:55,559
with this, to please advocate for yourself.

850
00:29:56,339 --> 00:29:58,179
All you're doing in that point, when you

851
00:29:58,179 --> 00:30:00,194
give consent, when you withdraw consent, when you

852
00:30:00,194 --> 00:30:02,275
share your wants, needs, when you share your

853
00:30:02,275 --> 00:30:04,515
boundaries and limits, that is you are advocating

854
00:30:04,515 --> 00:30:06,355
for yourself. You are saying, hey, this is

855
00:30:06,355 --> 00:30:07,875
a thing that I as a human being

856
00:30:07,875 --> 00:30:09,335
want regardless of

857
00:30:09,634 --> 00:30:12,119
roles, titles, labels we use, and I'm gonna

858
00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:14,440
share that information with a person I think

859
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,819
can be trusted with it

860
00:30:16,119 --> 00:30:17,880
because now you know more about me. And

861
00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:19,240
we go back up to the very first

862
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,319
point. I'm teaching you what you need to

863
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:23,559
know about me. Right. Sometimes you're teaching it

864
00:30:23,559 --> 00:30:25,799
as you're fucking learning it, which can be

865
00:30:25,799 --> 00:30:27,099
a little bit of a mind fuck.

866
00:30:28,535 --> 00:30:29,815
It is so hot in here. I'm already

867
00:30:29,815 --> 00:30:30,714
sweaty. I know.

868
00:30:32,855 --> 00:30:34,075
I cannot remember,

869
00:30:35,494 --> 00:30:37,355
because my mind is Swiss cheese,

870
00:30:38,214 --> 00:30:40,615
ever having that feeling of I'm not really

871
00:30:40,615 --> 00:30:43,079
submissive for wanting the thing. Did did you

872
00:30:43,079 --> 00:30:44,359
ever get that vibe for me? Have you

873
00:30:44,359 --> 00:30:46,440
ever had that experience with any other partners

874
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,440
who kind of would think they weren't supposed

875
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,419
to ask for anything?

876
00:30:52,119 --> 00:30:55,880
No. No. What I remember is not not

877
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:58,894
wanting to make to I don't think I

878
00:30:58,894 --> 00:31:00,974
ever had the I'm I'm not being submissive

879
00:31:00,974 --> 00:31:01,954
when I do this.

880
00:31:02,654 --> 00:31:03,795
I remember

881
00:31:05,375 --> 00:31:05,875
not

882
00:31:06,494 --> 00:31:06,994
trusting

883
00:31:08,974 --> 00:31:09,474
anybody

884
00:31:09,775 --> 00:31:10,914
well enough to

885
00:31:11,279 --> 00:31:14,080
share my deep deepest, darkest desires and secrets.

886
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,340
Like, that felt scary to do.

887
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:17,700
And

888
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:22,100
you built up the trust and broke down

889
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:24,660
the six foot thick walls I had,

890
00:31:27,075 --> 00:31:29,315
and became the safe person, so I knew

891
00:31:29,315 --> 00:31:30,674
that I could. But you did it by

892
00:31:30,674 --> 00:31:32,914
asking questions. Yeah. You did it by being

893
00:31:32,914 --> 00:31:36,275
curious. And then when I answered those questions

894
00:31:36,275 --> 00:31:38,035
and when I showed you bits and pieces

895
00:31:38,035 --> 00:31:39,095
of who I was,

896
00:31:39,634 --> 00:31:42,490
there was never judgment. No. When you genuinely

897
00:31:42,490 --> 00:31:44,009
like something, I could see that you genuinely

898
00:31:44,009 --> 00:31:45,690
are, like, hot damn. This is good. Like,

899
00:31:45,690 --> 00:31:47,390
I could I could sense that

900
00:31:47,849 --> 00:31:49,390
you nobody needs it, but

901
00:31:50,330 --> 00:31:52,330
sometimes we do that approval of you said

902
00:31:52,330 --> 00:31:53,849
a thing, and I'm I'm really vibing with

903
00:31:53,849 --> 00:31:55,450
that thing you said. You know, you gave

904
00:31:55,450 --> 00:31:57,365
me enough of the the positive

905
00:31:57,904 --> 00:31:59,365
feedback kind of thing

906
00:31:59,744 --> 00:32:01,904
that that made it safe for me to

907
00:32:01,904 --> 00:32:04,144
do that. And you made it clear to

908
00:32:04,144 --> 00:32:05,744
me from the very beginning that I had

909
00:32:05,744 --> 00:32:07,505
to tell you stuff. I that was that

910
00:32:07,505 --> 00:32:09,059
was part of this. Right.

911
00:32:09,460 --> 00:32:11,220
And I think that's important as well. Yeah.

912
00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:12,740
That does not mean that there aren't folks

913
00:32:12,820 --> 00:32:14,100
too many folks walking around going, well, I'm

914
00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:15,960
not very submissive if I do this.

915
00:32:18,019 --> 00:32:20,740
Okay. Here's here's one. Here's one. And I

916
00:32:20,740 --> 00:32:22,019
think this goes back to where you're talking

917
00:32:22,019 --> 00:32:24,105
about religious guilt because there's that would be

918
00:32:24,105 --> 00:32:25,805
one reason you might feel this way. Mhmm.

919
00:32:25,865 --> 00:32:27,305
If you're feeling like you can't ask for

920
00:32:27,305 --> 00:32:28,825
these things, is it because you're ashamed of

921
00:32:28,825 --> 00:32:31,144
your needs? Yeah. Yeah. Are you ashamed of

922
00:32:31,305 --> 00:32:33,464
Mhmm. Ashamed of wanting anything at all, ashamed

923
00:32:33,464 --> 00:32:35,244
of wanting more than you've already negotiated,

924
00:32:35,545 --> 00:32:36,105
ashamed of wanting the things specifically you want

925
00:32:36,105 --> 00:32:36,845
because there's

926
00:32:38,930 --> 00:32:40,390
because there's some part of you that still

927
00:32:40,450 --> 00:32:42,250
believes I'm not supposed air quote, this supposed

928
00:32:42,250 --> 00:32:44,230
to want to. There is a good amount

929
00:32:45,410 --> 00:32:46,549
of folks, and

930
00:32:47,170 --> 00:32:49,170
even on the s side of Slash, because

931
00:32:49,170 --> 00:32:51,430
I've had many tell me this.

932
00:32:52,755 --> 00:32:53,974
You know, one was like,

933
00:32:54,914 --> 00:32:56,994
you know, I I I love the the

934
00:32:56,994 --> 00:32:57,815
whole little,

935
00:32:58,275 --> 00:32:59,815
you know, caregiver, but

936
00:33:01,634 --> 00:33:03,835
I'm I'm ashamed to let that side Mhmm.

937
00:33:03,954 --> 00:33:05,714
Show because, you know, we're we're supposed to

938
00:33:05,714 --> 00:33:06,934
be adults. We're, you know,

939
00:33:07,950 --> 00:33:09,569
I wish I had some, like,

940
00:33:10,429 --> 00:33:10,929
smart,

941
00:33:11,710 --> 00:33:12,210
quick,

942
00:33:12,589 --> 00:33:14,429
whatever thing to go, here's how you deal

943
00:33:14,429 --> 00:33:15,089
with shame.

944
00:33:15,390 --> 00:33:16,849
I am not that smart.

945
00:33:18,190 --> 00:33:20,109
I I think there's lots of components to

946
00:33:20,109 --> 00:33:20,609
that.

947
00:33:22,424 --> 00:33:22,825
The

948
00:33:23,384 --> 00:33:25,384
within our relationship I do not have a

949
00:33:25,384 --> 00:33:27,225
lot of memories of feeling shame between you

950
00:33:27,225 --> 00:33:28,904
and I, and I think part of that

951
00:33:28,904 --> 00:33:30,845
is because we had a solid enough foundation.

952
00:33:31,945 --> 00:33:33,965
And you were I had the

953
00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:35,419
good fortune

954
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:37,339
that you were more experienced

955
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,119
and had kind of become comfortable in your

956
00:33:40,119 --> 00:33:41,179
own kink self.

957
00:33:41,559 --> 00:33:42,059
So,

958
00:33:42,599 --> 00:33:45,740
you know, you could encourage me to

959
00:33:46,119 --> 00:33:47,879
say what I need to say, and and

960
00:33:47,879 --> 00:33:50,394
you would you would say the things like,

961
00:33:50,394 --> 00:33:52,955
you can tell me anything. Like, no judgment

962
00:33:52,955 --> 00:33:54,555
here. And sometimes that's what we need to

963
00:33:54,555 --> 00:33:56,715
hear, and we need to hear it all

964
00:33:56,715 --> 00:33:58,955
the time until we can internalize it and

965
00:33:58,955 --> 00:33:59,775
believe it.

966
00:34:00,394 --> 00:34:01,535
But there's, you know,

967
00:34:01,909 --> 00:34:02,409
undoing

968
00:34:02,789 --> 00:34:05,130
shame within ourselves is its own,

969
00:34:06,150 --> 00:34:08,630
like, journey. Like, there's because there's different reasons

970
00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:10,389
for it. There's different ways that it impacts

971
00:34:10,389 --> 00:34:11,989
us. You know, it then I mean, I

972
00:34:11,989 --> 00:34:13,510
I won't go into too much detail. I've

973
00:34:13,510 --> 00:34:15,109
talked about enough over the years, but, you

974
00:34:15,109 --> 00:34:17,454
know, I've talked about how, you know, I

975
00:34:17,614 --> 00:34:19,394
in in the early days, I had,

976
00:34:21,375 --> 00:34:22,355
trouble reconciling

977
00:34:22,815 --> 00:34:24,914
hitting somebody. Right. Right.

978
00:34:25,375 --> 00:34:27,054
And that and those kinds of right. There's

979
00:34:27,054 --> 00:34:28,574
that feeling of I'm not supposed to want

980
00:34:28,574 --> 00:34:30,494
this. I should be ashamed of myself. Right.

981
00:34:30,494 --> 00:34:30,994
I

982
00:34:31,380 --> 00:34:32,119
was raised

983
00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:33,799
as all good

984
00:34:34,579 --> 00:34:36,339
should have been a boomer but she had

985
00:34:36,339 --> 00:34:38,760
me young so technically Gen X old parents

986
00:34:38,819 --> 00:34:41,219
do, with their girls of you have to

987
00:34:41,219 --> 00:34:42,679
be an independent woman.

988
00:34:42,980 --> 00:34:44,614
You need to have your own money. Don't

989
00:34:44,614 --> 00:34:46,554
depend on a man for nothing.

990
00:34:47,014 --> 00:34:49,414
Like, maybe not all get that, but it's

991
00:34:49,414 --> 00:34:50,554
a common experience

992
00:34:51,175 --> 00:34:53,574
of, amongst women as of a certain age

993
00:34:53,574 --> 00:34:55,815
at this point. And I had to give

994
00:34:55,815 --> 00:34:56,474
up that

995
00:34:56,789 --> 00:34:57,289
feeling

996
00:34:57,910 --> 00:34:59,429
of I didn't have to give it up.

997
00:34:59,429 --> 00:35:01,829
I had to reconcile that feeling with, yes,

998
00:35:01,829 --> 00:35:03,530
but I wanna submit to the right person.

999
00:35:03,670 --> 00:35:05,110
I wanna do what the right person says.

1000
00:35:05,110 --> 00:35:06,710
And for me, that tends to be men.

1001
00:35:06,710 --> 00:35:09,429
Right? Like, those masculine people at minimum, but

1002
00:35:09,429 --> 00:35:11,510
my whole experience is men. And so I'm

1003
00:35:11,750 --> 00:35:13,844
in in that way, I'm completely going against

1004
00:35:13,844 --> 00:35:14,824
everything my

1005
00:35:15,125 --> 00:35:16,184
I've been taught

1006
00:35:16,644 --> 00:35:17,864
from the cradle

1007
00:35:18,244 --> 00:35:20,085
about how I'm supposed to interact in the

1008
00:35:20,085 --> 00:35:21,065
world as a woman.

1009
00:35:22,565 --> 00:35:24,105
And there is some

1010
00:35:25,210 --> 00:35:26,809
there's some back and forth in your own

1011
00:35:26,809 --> 00:35:29,449
head about that. There's some getting comfortable with

1012
00:35:29,449 --> 00:35:30,989
uncomfortable things. There's

1013
00:35:31,530 --> 00:35:34,329
unpacking the shit that ever, you know, that

1014
00:35:34,329 --> 00:35:36,750
that is attached to any shame we feel

1015
00:35:37,130 --> 00:35:38,670
about what we want.

1016
00:35:40,010 --> 00:35:41,635
And I think, you know

1017
00:35:42,094 --> 00:35:44,494
when you're unwilling or uncertain about going hey

1018
00:35:44,494 --> 00:35:46,194
I need this thing, I want this thing,

1019
00:35:47,295 --> 00:35:49,934
do do that check because here's the thing

1020
00:35:49,934 --> 00:35:53,295
you can have been kinky for ten, fifteen,

1021
00:35:53,295 --> 00:35:54,059
twenty years,

1022
00:35:54,539 --> 00:35:56,320
think you've worked through everything,

1023
00:35:56,860 --> 00:35:59,260
and then hit a moment where, oh, I

1024
00:35:59,260 --> 00:36:01,680
guess this is rearing its ugly head again.

1025
00:36:01,860 --> 00:36:03,440
I have to kind

1026
00:36:03,900 --> 00:36:05,280
of rework through it.

1027
00:36:06,315 --> 00:36:08,234
Like whack a mole. It is like whack

1028
00:36:08,234 --> 00:36:10,635
a mole. And if if you're a person

1029
00:36:10,635 --> 00:36:12,795
who's saying, well, more more than just one

1030
00:36:12,795 --> 00:36:15,275
of these points is resonating, that means you're

1031
00:36:15,275 --> 00:36:17,914
just playing a a bigger game of whack

1032
00:36:17,914 --> 00:36:18,815
a mole because

1033
00:36:19,114 --> 00:36:21,289
it's it's all the things.

1034
00:36:25,030 --> 00:36:27,829
Here's the one. Mhmm. There's the these last

1035
00:36:27,829 --> 00:36:28,329
two

1036
00:36:29,030 --> 00:36:29,769
are pointedly

1037
00:36:31,190 --> 00:36:34,065
about these these specific questions. Yeah.

1038
00:36:34,684 --> 00:36:37,244
So I'm afraid to ask. I'm gonna come

1039
00:36:37,244 --> 00:36:39,965
across as too much too needy. I've introduced

1040
00:36:39,965 --> 00:36:41,324
them to this. How do I know they

1041
00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:43,405
really like this thing? I like it more

1042
00:36:43,405 --> 00:36:45,244
than they do so they won't wanna do

1043
00:36:45,244 --> 00:36:47,344
these things. I'm being too much, right?

1044
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,539
Do you trust your partner to

1045
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,980
set and communicate their own boundaries?

1046
00:36:56,159 --> 00:36:58,239
Your partner is a grown ass adult who

1047
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:00,019
needs to be working on their own communication

1048
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:03,045
skills. So when you want something from them

1049
00:37:03,045 --> 00:37:04,344
and you are uncertain

1050
00:37:05,045 --> 00:37:07,125
as to whether they would want to do

1051
00:37:07,125 --> 00:37:10,005
it with you and you're telling yourself, I'm

1052
00:37:10,005 --> 00:37:11,224
too much. I'm too needy.

1053
00:37:11,605 --> 00:37:13,065
You are taking away

1054
00:37:13,809 --> 00:37:14,309
the,

1055
00:37:15,569 --> 00:37:17,569
there's a word. I can't think of it.

1056
00:37:17,569 --> 00:37:19,989
The autonomy of your own partner

1057
00:37:20,449 --> 00:37:23,170
to decide what they want to do with

1058
00:37:23,170 --> 00:37:24,869
and for you. K.

1059
00:37:26,704 --> 00:37:29,025
Right? Yeah. You are not required to ask

1060
00:37:29,025 --> 00:37:30,224
for the things that come into your head.

1061
00:37:30,224 --> 00:37:32,784
Not every fantasy is meant to, like, actually

1062
00:37:32,784 --> 00:37:34,625
happen in real life. You're not required to

1063
00:37:34,625 --> 00:37:36,704
do that. But when it's something you really

1064
00:37:36,704 --> 00:37:38,465
want and you can't stop thinking about how

1065
00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:40,545
you really like to ask for it, but

1066
00:37:40,545 --> 00:37:42,000
you assume you know

1067
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,159
why you're not gonna get it or why

1068
00:37:44,159 --> 00:37:45,840
you don't deserve it. Let's go back to

1069
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:47,460
that. Do you think you don't deserve it?

1070
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,679
You've just taken away that choice from your

1071
00:37:49,679 --> 00:37:51,920
partner who might abso fucking lily do it

1072
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:53,440
for you just because you want it, and

1073
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,099
it makes them happy to make you happy.

1074
00:37:56,704 --> 00:37:58,304
Like, that's the other part of this that

1075
00:37:58,304 --> 00:37:59,364
I think gets forgotten.

1076
00:38:00,224 --> 00:38:01,765
Sometimes we as partners

1077
00:38:02,625 --> 00:38:04,885
do shit for the sole purpose

1078
00:38:05,425 --> 00:38:07,585
to make our partner happy and that is

1079
00:38:07,585 --> 00:38:08,085
legitimate

1080
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:09,940
and that is absolutely

1081
00:38:10,239 --> 00:38:12,639
a part of any fucking relationship where you

1082
00:38:12,639 --> 00:38:14,179
care about the other person.

1083
00:38:15,599 --> 00:38:17,839
And we are all worthy of that. Let's

1084
00:38:17,839 --> 00:38:19,519
go back up to do I deserve this?

1085
00:38:19,519 --> 00:38:21,119
We are all worthy of that kind of

1086
00:38:21,119 --> 00:38:21,619
care.

1087
00:38:22,825 --> 00:38:24,664
But I need to expect if I have

1088
00:38:24,664 --> 00:38:25,945
to be a grown ass adult and use

1089
00:38:25,945 --> 00:38:27,945
my big girl words, I have to expect

1090
00:38:27,945 --> 00:38:29,545
that my partner is also a grown ass

1091
00:38:29,545 --> 00:38:32,344
adult and will use their big person words

1092
00:38:32,344 --> 00:38:33,644
as well and will communicate.

1093
00:38:35,420 --> 00:38:37,920
Even if it's hard, even if it's awkward,

1094
00:38:38,059 --> 00:38:38,559
even

1095
00:38:39,500 --> 00:38:41,019
and I think you take that choice away

1096
00:38:41,019 --> 00:38:43,579
from a partner who wants you to be

1097
00:38:43,579 --> 00:38:44,079
happy.

1098
00:38:44,539 --> 00:38:46,140
And I say that they want you to

1099
00:38:46,140 --> 00:38:48,780
be happy because of these specific questions. Hey,

1100
00:38:48,780 --> 00:38:50,335
I introduced this this dynamic

1101
00:38:50,875 --> 00:38:52,954
and that it wasn't their thing at first,

1102
00:38:52,954 --> 00:38:54,335
but now it's their thing.

1103
00:38:54,635 --> 00:38:56,635
Well, clearly, they tried a thing that wasn't

1104
00:38:56,635 --> 00:38:57,775
an immediate limit

1105
00:38:58,315 --> 00:38:59,755
because they knew it would make you happy

1106
00:38:59,755 --> 00:39:01,355
and then they found their own happiness in

1107
00:39:01,355 --> 00:39:01,855
it.

1108
00:39:02,799 --> 00:39:05,139
That's that's free will, baby. Like,

1109
00:39:05,679 --> 00:39:07,380
let people make those choices

1110
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:08,500
for themselves.

1111
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:09,460
Right.

1112
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:13,699
The last one,

1113
00:39:14,319 --> 00:39:16,784
and this one I think is is really

1114
00:39:16,784 --> 00:39:18,885
common for different reasons. Yep.

1115
00:39:19,344 --> 00:39:21,684
Fear of rejection. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

1116
00:39:22,224 --> 00:39:22,724
Absolutely.

1117
00:39:23,105 --> 00:39:23,425
That,

1118
00:39:25,744 --> 00:39:26,885
having someone

1119
00:39:27,905 --> 00:39:30,885
reject your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas,

1120
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:32,690
is terrifying.

1121
00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:33,570
Yes.

1122
00:39:33,949 --> 00:39:35,789
Yes. You know, especially when it comes to

1123
00:39:35,789 --> 00:39:36,289
relationships,

1124
00:39:37,230 --> 00:39:39,230
you know, especially when you want to change

1125
00:39:39,230 --> 00:39:41,070
something up in a big way Mhmm. In

1126
00:39:41,070 --> 00:39:41,730
a relationship.

1127
00:39:42,269 --> 00:39:44,210
Yeah. That that's oh, man.

1128
00:39:45,454 --> 00:39:47,054
That's the big one. And that's we probably

1129
00:39:47,054 --> 00:39:49,235
could have started there because most people

1130
00:39:50,014 --> 00:39:50,514
who

1131
00:39:50,815 --> 00:39:52,574
are in touch with, you know, that have

1132
00:39:52,574 --> 00:39:54,414
that experience are there people out there maybe

1133
00:39:54,414 --> 00:39:56,434
who've never feared rejection in their lives?

1134
00:39:56,974 --> 00:39:58,809
I'm sure they're they exist. I need you

1135
00:39:58,809 --> 00:40:01,130
to bottle whatever that is Right. And become

1136
00:40:01,130 --> 00:40:03,530
a billionaire because we could all use whatever

1137
00:40:03,530 --> 00:40:04,429
that is. Mhmm.

1138
00:40:05,609 --> 00:40:06,909
And the fear of rejection

1139
00:40:07,369 --> 00:40:09,630
in kink, I think, might have

1140
00:40:11,984 --> 00:40:14,384
some layers to it because we're already doing

1141
00:40:14,384 --> 00:40:16,464
something that a vast majority of the world

1142
00:40:16,464 --> 00:40:17,585
tells us we're not supposed to do, that

1143
00:40:17,585 --> 00:40:19,505
we're not supposed to want, that's not okay,

1144
00:40:19,505 --> 00:40:22,144
that's outside of the norm, that is that

1145
00:40:22,144 --> 00:40:25,344
weird kink thing where, like, whatever bullshit you've

1146
00:40:25,344 --> 00:40:25,844
heard

1147
00:40:26,940 --> 00:40:29,099
to to kind of even make you question

1148
00:40:29,099 --> 00:40:31,659
yourself whether you're are, quote, supposed to want

1149
00:40:31,659 --> 00:40:33,440
this or supposed to do this

1150
00:40:33,900 --> 00:40:35,820
and then add the fear of rejection on

1151
00:40:35,820 --> 00:40:36,960
top. Right.

1152
00:40:37,659 --> 00:40:40,085
That that's tough. Yeah. It is tough.

1153
00:40:40,465 --> 00:40:41,525
I think that

1154
00:40:41,824 --> 00:40:43,905
if you are not the person blessed with

1155
00:40:43,905 --> 00:40:46,304
just no fear of rejection ever and you're

1156
00:40:46,304 --> 00:40:48,465
just able to handle it, so happy for

1157
00:40:48,465 --> 00:40:48,965
you.

1158
00:40:49,585 --> 00:40:51,585
Could not be me. I I think that

1159
00:40:51,585 --> 00:40:53,264
goes back to it's a trust and time

1160
00:40:53,264 --> 00:40:54,650
thing. Right? Like,

1161
00:40:55,190 --> 00:40:57,269
I have serious trust issues, so I'm not

1162
00:40:57,269 --> 00:40:59,429
gonna ask the person I met five minutes

1163
00:40:59,429 --> 00:41:01,849
ago to spank my ass. That's not happening.

1164
00:41:01,909 --> 00:41:03,210
That's not how I roll,

1165
00:41:03,909 --> 00:41:05,829
for a lot of reasons. But part of

1166
00:41:05,829 --> 00:41:07,030
that is I don't know them and I

1167
00:41:07,030 --> 00:41:08,715
don't know how they would respond. I don't

1168
00:41:08,715 --> 00:41:10,954
know what that rejection would feel like. I

1169
00:41:10,954 --> 00:41:12,795
think we are all as adults aware that

1170
00:41:12,795 --> 00:41:14,474
at any point you can the thing you're

1171
00:41:14,474 --> 00:41:16,494
asking for can be rejected. Right? But

1172
00:41:18,235 --> 00:41:20,715
if you don't know how that person will

1173
00:41:20,715 --> 00:41:22,610
reject you that can that can

1174
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:26,130
be nerve wracking. That can be scary. Right?

1175
00:41:26,269 --> 00:41:27,410
And to these

1176
00:41:27,869 --> 00:41:31,070
folks specifically or to anybody who resonates with

1177
00:41:31,070 --> 00:41:33,250
the initial questions that were asked,

1178
00:41:33,789 --> 00:41:35,730
you know, think back to

1179
00:41:36,885 --> 00:41:38,804
other times when your partner had to tell

1180
00:41:38,804 --> 00:41:40,804
you no or tell you they didn't wanna

1181
00:41:40,804 --> 00:41:42,804
do something. Were they kind about it? Were

1182
00:41:42,804 --> 00:41:43,545
they respectful?

1183
00:41:44,005 --> 00:41:45,945
Did they care about your feelings?

1184
00:41:46,485 --> 00:41:49,079
Then there's a pretty good bet they're all

1185
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:51,160
almost always gonna be that way. Everybody's got

1186
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:52,680
their triggers and everybody's got their bad days,

1187
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:53,739
but in general

1188
00:41:54,519 --> 00:41:56,219
they're gonna find some way to

1189
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,519
either gently tell you no or the thing

1190
00:41:58,519 --> 00:42:00,840
that makes me nervous for them, but might

1191
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:01,739
work out okay,

1192
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:02,940
try it

1193
00:42:03,244 --> 00:42:05,565
just to see. Like, because it makes you

1194
00:42:05,565 --> 00:42:06,864
happy they might try it.

1195
00:42:07,965 --> 00:42:10,304
The scary part of that is

1196
00:42:10,605 --> 00:42:12,285
somebody who is too much of a people

1197
00:42:12,285 --> 00:42:14,385
pleaser and will do shit they don't like

1198
00:42:14,765 --> 00:42:15,664
simply because

1199
00:42:16,045 --> 00:42:18,050
they don't want to have the hard conversation.

1200
00:42:18,269 --> 00:42:20,430
They're afraid of your reaction if they have

1201
00:42:20,430 --> 00:42:21,630
to tell you no. Like, all that stuff,

1202
00:42:21,630 --> 00:42:22,989
we probably need to do an episode on

1203
00:42:22,989 --> 00:42:25,550
people pleasing if we haven't already, because that's

1204
00:42:25,550 --> 00:42:27,309
that's a big deal in Mhmm. In any

1205
00:42:27,309 --> 00:42:27,809
relationship.

1206
00:42:29,974 --> 00:42:31,655
But, yeah, like, are are you afraid they're

1207
00:42:31,655 --> 00:42:33,335
gonna tell you no? And if it's not

1208
00:42:33,335 --> 00:42:34,695
that you're afraid they're gonna just tell you

1209
00:42:34,695 --> 00:42:36,054
no in general, is it are you afraid

1210
00:42:36,054 --> 00:42:38,054
of how they're gonna tell you no? And

1211
00:42:38,054 --> 00:42:40,074
is that based on experience with that partner?

1212
00:42:40,295 --> 00:42:42,534
Or is that just based on other stuff

1213
00:42:42,534 --> 00:42:44,250
you've gone through in life and is, you

1214
00:42:44,250 --> 00:42:44,750
know,

1215
00:42:45,130 --> 00:42:48,269
carrying over? But if your partner has gently,

1216
00:42:48,329 --> 00:42:48,829
kindly,

1217
00:42:49,449 --> 00:42:52,090
respectfully, whatever whatever said, yeah. That's not my

1218
00:42:52,090 --> 00:42:53,710
jam. I'm not gonna do that,

1219
00:42:54,890 --> 00:42:55,390
then

1220
00:42:56,445 --> 00:42:58,364
that's a you know, you've got to I

1221
00:42:58,364 --> 00:43:00,125
think you've got to think consciously about that

1222
00:43:00,125 --> 00:43:02,125
and go, okay. Wait. I'm being I'm being

1223
00:43:02,125 --> 00:43:03,965
afraid of this because I don't wanna hear

1224
00:43:03,965 --> 00:43:05,164
no. I wanna do the thing I wanna

1225
00:43:05,164 --> 00:43:06,925
do, but also because I'm afraid they're gonna

1226
00:43:06,925 --> 00:43:08,364
shame me. They're they're gonna make me feel

1227
00:43:08,364 --> 00:43:09,885
bad. But wait. They've never made me feel

1228
00:43:09,885 --> 00:43:11,929
bad, so this should be okay.

1229
00:43:12,309 --> 00:43:14,230
And sometimes you ask for a thing, and

1230
00:43:14,230 --> 00:43:15,909
the way you word it or the specific

1231
00:43:15,909 --> 00:43:17,349
thing you ask for our partner is like,

1232
00:43:17,349 --> 00:43:18,789
nah, that's not my jam, but maybe you

1233
00:43:18,789 --> 00:43:20,389
find a compromise that works for both of

1234
00:43:20,389 --> 00:43:22,010
you. You don't ever know

1235
00:43:22,389 --> 00:43:23,609
until you have

1236
00:43:24,244 --> 00:43:24,905
the conversation.

1237
00:43:25,445 --> 00:43:26,344
Right. True. True.

1238
00:43:30,005 --> 00:43:32,644
Now somebody, and it was on FetLife when

1239
00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:34,505
I posted about this episode,

1240
00:43:35,125 --> 00:43:37,640
mentioned the other kind of side of this

1241
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:40,140
sort of relationship. So in this case,

1242
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:43,719
the thing that started this episode and this

1243
00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:44,219
conversation

1244
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,660
was people who were in seem to be

1245
00:43:48,039 --> 00:43:48,539
healthy,

1246
00:43:49,275 --> 00:43:52,394
loving power exchanges where each partner is willing

1247
00:43:52,394 --> 00:43:54,714
to give their partner as much as they

1248
00:43:54,714 --> 00:43:57,835
can and but the submissives are still worried

1249
00:43:57,835 --> 00:44:00,234
that it's it's too much. Right? That thing

1250
00:44:00,234 --> 00:44:02,155
of well I introduced it to them so

1251
00:44:02,155 --> 00:44:03,900
they probably don't really like it as much

1252
00:44:03,980 --> 00:44:05,039
much as I like it.

1253
00:44:05,980 --> 00:44:07,579
Let's go back to they don't have to.

1254
00:44:07,579 --> 00:44:09,019
They just have to be willing to do

1255
00:44:09,019 --> 00:44:09,519
it

1256
00:44:10,380 --> 00:44:12,059
because maybe it makes you happy and that

1257
00:44:12,139 --> 00:44:13,359
that's enough for them. Right?

1258
00:44:13,739 --> 00:44:15,760
But there's the other side of it where

1259
00:44:16,184 --> 00:44:18,905
you introduce your partner to something, you start

1260
00:44:18,905 --> 00:44:20,824
getting nervous, you're asking for too much, not

1261
00:44:20,824 --> 00:44:22,905
because they are doing it for you, but

1262
00:44:22,905 --> 00:44:24,905
because they're not doing it for you. And

1263
00:44:24,905 --> 00:44:26,985
they are not they're saying all the right

1264
00:44:26,985 --> 00:44:27,485
words,

1265
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,119
but they're not their actions are not Not

1266
00:44:30,119 --> 00:44:31,420
matching. Matching up.

1267
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:33,900
That is

1268
00:44:34,519 --> 00:44:37,019
probably a that's a separate issue of

1269
00:44:37,639 --> 00:44:38,699
minimum incompatibility.

1270
00:44:40,519 --> 00:44:43,614
Probably some communication issues on their part. They're

1271
00:44:43,614 --> 00:44:44,514
just not saying,

1272
00:44:44,894 --> 00:44:47,375
hey, I don't wanna do that thing, and

1273
00:44:47,375 --> 00:44:48,594
somehow they'd rather

1274
00:44:48,894 --> 00:44:49,875
be an untrustworthy,

1275
00:44:50,414 --> 00:44:50,914
un,

1276
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:52,355
irresponsible

1277
00:44:52,734 --> 00:44:55,154
partner than just have the hard conversation.

1278
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:58,339
Giving side eye to that.

1279
00:44:59,279 --> 00:45:01,519
So there's there this is, there's two sides

1280
00:45:01,519 --> 00:45:03,119
to this minimum, two sides to this. There's

1281
00:45:03,119 --> 00:45:05,279
the loving relationships where where you've got a

1282
00:45:05,279 --> 00:45:07,759
partner who's absolutely willing to try, but the

1283
00:45:07,759 --> 00:45:10,525
other partner doesn't trust that that that's real

1284
00:45:10,525 --> 00:45:12,285
or that they're doing the right thing or

1285
00:45:12,285 --> 00:45:14,364
they think that they are being selfish or

1286
00:45:14,364 --> 00:45:16,204
whatever whatever. And then you've got the other

1287
00:45:16,204 --> 00:45:17,265
part where they're like,

1288
00:45:17,724 --> 00:45:19,885
yeah, I'll try. Yeah, we can do this.

1289
00:45:19,885 --> 00:45:20,864
Then they don't

1290
00:45:21,179 --> 00:45:22,859
And so then you don't wanna ask for

1291
00:45:22,859 --> 00:45:25,099
more because you're barely getting what you asked

1292
00:45:25,099 --> 00:45:26,319
for in the first place.

1293
00:45:27,739 --> 00:45:30,639
It's all a hot mess. I much prefer

1294
00:45:30,780 --> 00:45:33,260
to deal I much prefer that everybody gets

1295
00:45:33,260 --> 00:45:34,639
to deal with it on the loving

1296
00:45:35,019 --> 00:45:37,744
side, the giving side of my partner supports

1297
00:45:37,744 --> 00:45:39,744
me, but I am terrified of that. Why

1298
00:45:39,744 --> 00:45:40,805
are they doing that?

1299
00:45:42,864 --> 00:45:45,204
Am I allowed to be supported like that?

1300
00:45:45,344 --> 00:45:45,844
Yes.

1301
00:45:46,385 --> 00:45:47,445
Yes, you are.

1302
00:45:47,744 --> 00:45:48,644
Yes, you are.

1303
00:45:49,425 --> 00:45:51,329
And probably just to to

1304
00:45:51,809 --> 00:45:54,450
tie it all together from the perspective that

1305
00:45:54,450 --> 00:45:56,070
we discussed in this episode,

1306
00:45:57,250 --> 00:45:59,329
of this weird feeling of if I introduced

1307
00:45:59,329 --> 00:46:00,849
it to them and it was not their

1308
00:46:00,849 --> 00:46:01,829
original idea

1309
00:46:02,610 --> 00:46:04,769
that they maybe don't like it as much

1310
00:46:04,769 --> 00:46:05,750
as they say,

1311
00:46:06,105 --> 00:46:08,344
Or do they usually lie to you? Are

1312
00:46:08,344 --> 00:46:09,644
they usually untruthful

1313
00:46:09,945 --> 00:46:12,605
and and doing things they hate to do

1314
00:46:12,824 --> 00:46:14,505
because it makes you happy? Well, then then

1315
00:46:14,505 --> 00:46:16,344
we need to talk about people pleasing. Again,

1316
00:46:16,344 --> 00:46:17,644
where that's a whole separate

1317
00:46:18,184 --> 00:46:18,684
conversation.

1318
00:46:20,344 --> 00:46:20,844
But

1319
00:46:21,980 --> 00:46:23,440
your partner will

1320
00:46:23,900 --> 00:46:25,900
let me speak to submissives out there. How

1321
00:46:25,900 --> 00:46:26,799
many submissives

1322
00:46:27,260 --> 00:46:29,199
in like maybe long term or

1323
00:46:29,659 --> 00:46:30,159
romantic

1324
00:46:30,699 --> 00:46:31,519
power exchanges

1325
00:46:31,980 --> 00:46:34,059
have done a thing for your dom that

1326
00:46:34,059 --> 00:46:35,920
you know damn good and well

1327
00:46:36,264 --> 00:46:38,664
you would never do if they hadn't asked

1328
00:46:38,664 --> 00:46:39,164
you.

1329
00:46:40,264 --> 00:46:42,184
Right. That's part of submission for some of

1330
00:46:42,184 --> 00:46:42,925
us, right?

1331
00:46:43,545 --> 00:46:44,045
Why

1332
00:46:44,585 --> 00:46:46,744
can't a dom do a thing that it

1333
00:46:46,744 --> 00:46:48,605
never occurred to them to do before,

1334
00:46:48,905 --> 00:46:51,085
but they were willing to try it because

1335
00:46:51,224 --> 00:46:53,819
you like it and you want it and

1336
00:46:53,819 --> 00:46:55,420
you need it. And they do not have

1337
00:46:55,420 --> 00:46:56,940
objections to it. It's not a hard limit.

1338
00:46:56,940 --> 00:46:58,539
They're not grossed out by it. Like, they're

1339
00:46:58,539 --> 00:47:00,619
like, no. This is I didn't know it

1340
00:47:00,619 --> 00:47:02,719
would be like this, and I'm let's continue.

1341
00:47:03,819 --> 00:47:05,819
Like, how come you're not worthy of the

1342
00:47:05,819 --> 00:47:08,135
same thing that your own dom is worthy

1343
00:47:08,135 --> 00:47:09,755
of? That you would do for your dom

1344
00:47:10,215 --> 00:47:11,275
easily. Right?

1345
00:47:11,974 --> 00:47:12,635
I just

1346
00:47:13,014 --> 00:47:15,994
there's all kinds it's it's layered. It is.

1347
00:47:16,215 --> 00:47:17,355
It is. And,

1348
00:47:18,375 --> 00:47:20,054
you know, I I think one of the

1349
00:47:20,054 --> 00:47:22,199
the the biggest things about it all is,

1350
00:47:23,559 --> 00:47:25,099
you know, the the fact that,

1351
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:28,359
you know, doms don't go to a dom

1352
00:47:28,359 --> 00:47:28,859
school

1353
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:30,859
Right. And learn,

1354
00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:32,139
you know,

1355
00:47:32,679 --> 00:47:34,280
this is dominance. This is what it is,

1356
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,074
cut and dry, you know. The same thing

1357
00:47:36,074 --> 00:47:38,474
with submission. And it's not. It it is

1358
00:47:38,474 --> 00:47:39,775
a broad spectrum

1359
00:47:40,474 --> 00:47:41,934
Mhmm. Of things. Mhmm.

1360
00:47:42,795 --> 00:47:43,295
Yep.

1361
00:47:46,474 --> 00:47:49,434
So And, thank you Silent. Well, we did

1362
00:47:49,434 --> 00:47:51,960
do people pleasing episode three twenty six. It

1363
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:55,159
felt familiar. Mhmm. It felt familiar. See, now

1364
00:47:55,159 --> 00:47:56,679
this is a whole separate issue, but now

1365
00:47:56,679 --> 00:47:58,280
I'm back to I really think we should

1366
00:47:58,280 --> 00:47:58,780
do,

1367
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:00,539
air quote, classics

1368
00:48:01,159 --> 00:48:03,159
of episodes once a week from our archive.

1369
00:48:03,159 --> 00:48:04,994
Because so many things we talk about today

1370
00:48:05,075 --> 00:48:06,434
go back to what we've talked about in

1371
00:48:06,434 --> 00:48:08,295
the past. Anyway, that's a whole other thing.

1372
00:48:08,434 --> 00:48:10,295
I have the task of staying on track.

1373
00:48:10,515 --> 00:48:12,615
I'm trying to accomplish the task. Yes.

1374
00:48:13,474 --> 00:48:14,695
So this is a multilayered

1375
00:48:15,155 --> 00:48:15,655
situation.

1376
00:48:16,035 --> 00:48:18,675
Yeah. To to answer those specific questions that

1377
00:48:18,675 --> 00:48:20,219
came in because they won't be a Q

1378
00:48:20,219 --> 00:48:21,739
and A episode on their own because we're

1379
00:48:21,739 --> 00:48:22,719
doing it here, right?

1380
00:48:23,739 --> 00:48:24,559
Ask them.

1381
00:48:26,059 --> 00:48:28,300
If you trust them enough and they've earned

1382
00:48:28,300 --> 00:48:30,300
your trust to do these things with them,

1383
00:48:30,300 --> 00:48:31,659
to have told them in the first place

1384
00:48:31,659 --> 00:48:33,275
you wanted this you liked this kind of

1385
00:48:33,275 --> 00:48:34,815
dynamic or you liked these activities,

1386
00:48:35,515 --> 00:48:36,735
trust them enough

1387
00:48:37,195 --> 00:48:38,735
to be honest with you.

1388
00:48:39,355 --> 00:48:41,594
Now Mhmm. If they're not if there are

1389
00:48:41,594 --> 00:48:43,035
times they have not been honest with you,

1390
00:48:43,035 --> 00:48:44,894
that's a whole separate thing.

1391
00:48:45,275 --> 00:48:47,035
That has nothing to do with being too

1392
00:48:47,035 --> 00:48:48,015
much or too needy.

1393
00:48:48,750 --> 00:48:49,250
And

1394
00:48:49,550 --> 00:48:52,349
as the internet taught me several years ago

1395
00:48:52,349 --> 00:48:54,289
that I have tried to like internalize,

1396
00:48:56,110 --> 00:48:58,909
if anybody tells you that you are somehow

1397
00:48:58,909 --> 00:49:01,150
too much, just tell them to go find

1398
00:49:01,150 --> 00:49:02,155
less. Okay?

1399
00:49:02,855 --> 00:49:04,534
For the person who cares about you, you're

1400
00:49:04,534 --> 00:49:06,454
not too much. And I say that as

1401
00:49:06,454 --> 00:49:07,755
somebody who is objectively

1402
00:49:08,295 --> 00:49:09,914
too much. Okay?

1403
00:49:10,934 --> 00:49:12,775
I have a lot of thoughts. I have

1404
00:49:12,775 --> 00:49:14,614
a lot of words. I don't know how

1405
00:49:14,614 --> 00:49:16,599
to modulate the volume of my voice. I

1406
00:49:16,599 --> 00:49:18,599
am either shouting or you can't hear a

1407
00:49:18,599 --> 00:49:21,159
word I've said. Right? I am so sorry

1408
00:49:21,159 --> 00:49:22,679
to anybody who listens to any of our

1409
00:49:22,679 --> 00:49:25,400
episodes with earbuds in. I know what I

1410
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:27,019
do. I'm trying to be better.

1411
00:49:27,924 --> 00:49:28,424
I

1412
00:49:28,804 --> 00:49:29,444
am objective

1413
00:49:29,764 --> 00:49:31,204
I won't say them too much. I am

1414
00:49:31,204 --> 00:49:31,704
objectively

1415
00:49:32,164 --> 00:49:32,904
a lot.

1416
00:49:33,204 --> 00:49:33,704
Right?

1417
00:49:34,404 --> 00:49:36,005
No, there are a lot of fucking people

1418
00:49:36,005 --> 00:49:37,764
who could not handle me and I don't

1419
00:49:37,764 --> 00:49:39,525
want them to try, thank you very much.

1420
00:49:39,525 --> 00:49:41,204
That does not make me bad, that does

1421
00:49:41,204 --> 00:49:43,369
not make them bad. It makes us incompatible.

1422
00:49:43,909 --> 00:49:44,409
Somehow,

1423
00:49:44,710 --> 00:49:46,329
someway, this universe

1424
00:49:46,789 --> 00:49:47,289
created

1425
00:49:47,750 --> 00:49:49,049
JB and went,

1426
00:49:49,429 --> 00:49:51,349
you'll do. You gotta go through some shit

1427
00:49:51,349 --> 00:49:53,609
for a few decades before you find her.

1428
00:49:53,750 --> 00:49:55,529
But you'll be able to handle her.

1429
00:49:56,025 --> 00:49:57,964
Right? And that's all that matters.

1430
00:49:58,264 --> 00:49:59,944
I don't- I- I could be too much

1431
00:49:59,944 --> 00:50:01,304
for the next person. I know there are

1432
00:50:01,304 --> 00:50:03,224
people who listen to this podcast and watch

1433
00:50:03,224 --> 00:50:05,464
these videos and go, Oh, hell no. I

1434
00:50:05,464 --> 00:50:06,444
could never.

1435
00:50:06,984 --> 00:50:09,329
Good. I wouldn't want you to because we'd

1436
00:50:09,329 --> 00:50:10,230
both be miserable.

1437
00:50:10,690 --> 00:50:12,530
But if you've got a partner who kind

1438
00:50:12,530 --> 00:50:14,450
of like listens to your ideas and goes,

1439
00:50:14,450 --> 00:50:16,289
Yeah, we can do that. And they accept

1440
00:50:16,289 --> 00:50:17,670
you for who you are

1441
00:50:18,130 --> 00:50:18,869
in general,

1442
00:50:19,809 --> 00:50:21,329
you're not too much for them. You're not

1443
00:50:21,329 --> 00:50:23,510
too needy. You have needs

1444
00:50:24,184 --> 00:50:24,684
and

1445
00:50:25,144 --> 00:50:27,405
maybe you're a lot, but hey, guess what?

1446
00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:30,105
They fucking like that about you or they

1447
00:50:30,105 --> 00:50:31,244
wouldn't be there.

1448
00:50:32,425 --> 00:50:34,045
Says somebody who has been rejected

1449
00:50:34,425 --> 00:50:35,565
many times over

1450
00:50:36,025 --> 00:50:36,764
for being

1451
00:50:37,590 --> 00:50:40,010
a lot trademark registered trademark. Okay?

1452
00:50:44,789 --> 00:50:45,289
So

1453
00:50:46,630 --> 00:50:48,789
I am very warm because it is very

1454
00:50:48,789 --> 00:50:51,704
hot in here. And I dropped the AC

1455
00:50:51,704 --> 00:50:54,425
several degrees too. You're do you're you're doing

1456
00:50:54,425 --> 00:50:56,525
our best. I know. You're trying. So

1457
00:50:56,985 --> 00:50:57,485
do

1458
00:50:58,105 --> 00:50:59,805
you have any final thoughts?

1459
00:51:00,505 --> 00:51:01,005
No.

1460
00:51:01,385 --> 00:51:03,639
Cool. We went through all my points. No.

1461
00:51:03,639 --> 00:51:05,659
I added some extras in there. You did.

1462
00:51:06,039 --> 00:51:07,719
None of the points feel like they connected,

1463
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:09,880
but they were all valid points in my

1464
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:10,860
mind at least.

1465
00:51:11,559 --> 00:51:13,719
I will remind everybody, just because those are

1466
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:15,559
the things that we could think of that

1467
00:51:15,559 --> 00:51:17,000
could be part of this does not mean

1468
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:18,789
that's all that there is. So True.

1469
00:51:19,094 --> 00:51:20,315
There we go. So

1470
00:51:21,894 --> 00:51:23,594
if you would like,

1471
00:51:25,255 --> 00:51:26,855
we can go into a bonus section. Are

1472
00:51:26,855 --> 00:51:28,795
we, good? I don't know.

1473
00:51:30,934 --> 00:51:32,775
Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you

1474
00:51:32,775 --> 00:51:33,389
next week.

1475
00:51:43,069 --> 00:51:44,369
Oh my god. Okay.

1476
00:51:44,750 --> 00:51:45,250
I

1477
00:51:45,710 --> 00:51:48,675
tried to plan better and Swiss cheese brain.

1478
00:51:49,315 --> 00:51:50,835
I meant to bring my hair tie in

1479
00:51:50,835 --> 00:51:51,494
with me.

1480
00:51:52,434 --> 00:51:54,114
Can I go get my hair tie and

1481
00:51:54,114 --> 00:51:56,434
you do the filler filler? And You I'll

1482
00:51:56,434 --> 00:51:57,474
get it for you. Do you know where

1483
00:51:57,474 --> 00:51:58,914
it is? Where is it? It's in one

1484
00:51:58,914 --> 00:52:01,094
of two places. It's either on

1485
00:52:01,795 --> 00:52:03,780
the side table next to the couch

1486
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:05,460
or on my vanity.

1487
00:52:05,920 --> 00:52:07,140
Before you go,

1488
00:52:07,599 --> 00:52:09,539
can I talk to the crickets, please?

1489
00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:11,280
Yes. You may. It's about to be a

1490
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:13,220
very long moment if he said no.

1491
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:16,559
I just have to stare at you and

1492
00:52:16,559 --> 00:52:17,619
you'd be a participant

1493
00:52:18,264 --> 00:52:19,644
in, my predicament

1494
00:52:20,105 --> 00:52:21,324
of bondage, apparently.

1495
00:52:25,224 --> 00:52:26,204
Oh my god.

1496
00:52:28,664 --> 00:52:30,125
Oh, wow. That was closer.

1497
00:52:30,539 --> 00:52:32,300
It was on the kitchen. Oh, no. No.

1498
00:52:32,300 --> 00:52:34,140
No. That's not the one I'm talking about.

1499
00:52:34,140 --> 00:52:35,840
This is broken. But it's

1500
00:52:36,460 --> 00:52:39,199
daddy? Daddy. It's literally an elastic

1501
00:52:39,500 --> 00:52:41,199
ring. It's black. Okay.

1502
00:52:41,820 --> 00:52:43,660
I said hair tie, but I maybe I

1503
00:52:43,660 --> 00:52:45,315
don't know. I don't know what they're called

1504
00:52:45,315 --> 00:52:45,815
anymore?

1505
00:52:47,074 --> 00:52:49,715
Ponytail holder. That's that's that's that was it.

1506
00:52:49,715 --> 00:52:50,534
That was it.

1507
00:52:50,914 --> 00:52:51,894
Uh-oh, so.

1508
00:52:54,914 --> 00:52:56,755
We have not we're not talking about it

1509
00:52:56,755 --> 00:52:58,750
actively, but we did mention it to one

1510
00:52:58,750 --> 00:53:00,750
another today about how last summer we had

1511
00:53:00,750 --> 00:53:01,809
to go into evening

1512
00:53:02,269 --> 00:53:04,130
live streams because of the heat.

1513
00:53:05,389 --> 00:53:07,710
We are not actively planning that right now,

1514
00:53:07,710 --> 00:53:09,309
but we're gonna have to do something because

1515
00:53:09,309 --> 00:53:11,775
this heat is only about to get worse.

1516
00:53:13,675 --> 00:53:15,594
Oh, please do not fall. Was it the

1517
00:53:15,594 --> 00:53:16,974
dog? Yeah. Okay.

1518
00:53:17,994 --> 00:53:19,514
I love that she likes to be near

1519
00:53:19,514 --> 00:53:22,155
me, but when she's directly under foot, it's

1520
00:53:23,755 --> 00:53:24,255
So,

1521
00:53:26,074 --> 00:53:28,010
but I am leaning

1522
00:53:28,710 --> 00:53:30,390
into the, hey. Can we get a quote

1523
00:53:30,390 --> 00:53:31,690
from our kinky

1524
00:53:31,989 --> 00:53:33,130
HVAC friend

1525
00:53:33,590 --> 00:53:36,070
for the idea to make it not so

1526
00:53:36,070 --> 00:53:39,190
freaking hot in here? Yeah. Because it's what

1527
00:53:39,190 --> 00:53:41,835
what typically happens in the summer is, first

1528
00:53:41,835 --> 00:53:42,775
of all, JB

1529
00:53:43,155 --> 00:53:45,555
doesn't work outside all day because you just

1530
00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:47,795
cannot. So he goes out, like, early in

1531
00:53:47,795 --> 00:53:49,954
the morning and is done very early, but

1532
00:53:49,954 --> 00:53:50,934
I can't work

1533
00:53:51,394 --> 00:53:52,994
in the office when it's hot through the

1534
00:53:52,994 --> 00:53:53,494
midday.

1535
00:53:53,875 --> 00:53:55,474
So I work in the morning and in

1536
00:53:55,474 --> 00:53:57,360
the evening, and then I can't even stand

1537
00:53:57,360 --> 00:53:59,519
to be sitting in this office usually from

1538
00:53:59,519 --> 00:54:00,820
about one to

1539
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,140
four, fourth, or five.

1540
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:06,800
That that's not gonna work. Like, we we

1541
00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:09,200
gotta find a way. Yeah. Oh, and Silent

1542
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:09,680
said,

1543
00:54:10,235 --> 00:54:11,755
Silent said, I do love the conflict of

1544
00:54:11,755 --> 00:54:13,434
I wanna grow my hair combined with living

1545
00:54:13,434 --> 00:54:14,655
in Florida during perimenopause.

1546
00:54:15,034 --> 00:54:16,894
I have already decided that whenever

1547
00:54:17,835 --> 00:54:19,914
I finally just do it and make the

1548
00:54:19,914 --> 00:54:21,835
damn appointment, I'm gonna get my hair cut

1549
00:54:21,835 --> 00:54:23,275
short. Again, not as short as I've had

1550
00:54:23,275 --> 00:54:23,969
in the past,

1551
00:54:24,929 --> 00:54:26,289
but short because I gotta get it off

1552
00:54:26,289 --> 00:54:26,949
my neck.

1553
00:54:27,489 --> 00:54:29,570
I can't sleep with it this way, and

1554
00:54:29,570 --> 00:54:31,409
I'm not functioning in this heat this way.

1555
00:54:31,409 --> 00:54:31,909
Undercut?

1556
00:54:32,369 --> 00:54:35,090
No. I'm gonna have everything go up. There'll

1557
00:54:35,090 --> 00:54:37,094
still be enough to grab. Do not worry.

1558
00:54:37,094 --> 00:54:39,815
I will not sacrifice having my hair pulled

1559
00:54:39,815 --> 00:54:42,315
for short hair. Okay. Mm-mm. Not purposely, anyway.

1560
00:54:44,295 --> 00:54:46,215
But I'm yeah. Part of the reason I'm

1561
00:54:46,215 --> 00:54:48,795
not sleeping well, both from a heat perspective

1562
00:54:49,719 --> 00:54:52,760
and just a life perspective is my hair

1563
00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:54,599
is, like, it's all I can feel. And

1564
00:54:54,599 --> 00:54:55,719
I'm I'll wake up in the middle of

1565
00:54:55,719 --> 00:54:57,160
the night to move my hair out of

1566
00:54:57,160 --> 00:54:58,920
the way, but I can't pull it back

1567
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:00,680
and tie it back or whatever because then

1568
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,199
I can feel the bumps and and

1569
00:55:05,594 --> 00:55:06,094
So

1570
00:55:09,994 --> 00:55:10,974
Well, you know,

1571
00:55:11,434 --> 00:55:13,994
take Tayshia, as tired as I am, if

1572
00:55:13,994 --> 00:55:15,835
she walked away and I was sitting here,

1573
00:55:15,835 --> 00:55:17,594
there's a good chance I would have started

1574
00:55:17,594 --> 00:55:18,094
snoring.

1575
00:55:19,469 --> 00:55:21,409
That's probably true. That's probably true.

1576
00:55:22,829 --> 00:55:24,210
For the bonus section,

1577
00:55:24,989 --> 00:55:26,210
Lola is still,

1578
00:55:27,150 --> 00:55:29,170
a a mess and a menace. Yep.

1579
00:55:29,710 --> 00:55:30,849
Onyx and Ella,

1580
00:55:31,309 --> 00:55:33,090
messes and menaces. Mhmm.

1581
00:55:35,405 --> 00:55:37,505
The kids are the kids,

1582
00:55:40,684 --> 00:55:41,985
I saw a guy, y'all.

1583
00:55:43,005 --> 00:55:44,224
We've mostly been

1584
00:55:44,605 --> 00:55:47,005
mostly been working yeah. You mentioned it earlier.

1585
00:55:47,005 --> 00:55:49,344
Monday was an emotional day. Mhmm.

1586
00:55:50,239 --> 00:55:51,699
I'm growing as a parent.

1587
00:55:52,480 --> 00:55:53,380
It's delightful.

1588
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:58,719
And and I say this, and I do

1589
00:55:58,719 --> 00:56:00,400
mean it, but that doesn't make it always

1590
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:00,900
easy.

1591
00:56:01,359 --> 00:56:04,414
Anytime the 15 year old behaves as a

1592
00:56:04,414 --> 00:56:06,594
typical teenager would, it is

1593
00:56:07,215 --> 00:56:09,155
wonderful, but also sometimes

1594
00:56:09,454 --> 00:56:10,835
it's very stressful.

1595
00:56:13,375 --> 00:56:14,594
And I had to,

1596
00:56:14,894 --> 00:56:15,394
use

1597
00:56:15,934 --> 00:56:16,894
I had to I had to

1598
00:56:17,699 --> 00:56:19,380
I'm in the process of teaching the 15

1599
00:56:19,380 --> 00:56:21,780
year old a lesson that the 19 year

1600
00:56:21,780 --> 00:56:24,099
old picked up on fairly quickly, which is

1601
00:56:24,099 --> 00:56:25,859
if I tell you, you can tell me

1602
00:56:25,859 --> 00:56:27,940
anything and I'm I will not freak out

1603
00:56:27,940 --> 00:56:30,099
on you, like, in that moment. I mean

1604
00:56:30,099 --> 00:56:30,465
that.

1605
00:56:30,945 --> 00:56:32,164
It's it's a

1606
00:56:32,625 --> 00:56:35,125
it's so much emotional regulation to do it.

1607
00:56:36,305 --> 00:56:39,105
But I would rather have the relationship where

1608
00:56:39,105 --> 00:56:41,344
the kids can come say what they've gotta

1609
00:56:41,344 --> 00:56:43,800
say, tell me the thing that is not

1610
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:45,559
good, that is scary, that they need help

1611
00:56:45,559 --> 00:56:46,059
with,

1612
00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:48,940
rather than be afraid of my response.

1613
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:52,760
That was easy with the 19 year old

1614
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:54,760
because the 19 year old, if you are

1615
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:56,875
one of his trusted people, he does not

1616
00:56:56,875 --> 00:56:58,315
have a thought you don't know about at

1617
00:56:58,315 --> 00:57:00,875
some point that he is his mother's child.

1618
00:57:00,875 --> 00:57:01,855
No brain dump.

1619
00:57:02,394 --> 00:57:04,095
He is his mother's child.

1620
00:57:04,635 --> 00:57:06,474
The 15 year old is not wired that

1621
00:57:06,474 --> 00:57:09,835
way. And that's okay. Like, it's not it's

1622
00:57:09,835 --> 00:57:11,409
just I have

1623
00:57:12,849 --> 00:57:15,090
I'm at the big age of four am

1624
00:57:15,090 --> 00:57:16,630
I 45? Yeah. 45.

1625
00:57:17,090 --> 00:57:19,650
Relearning how to parent teenagers and that kind

1626
00:57:19,650 --> 00:57:21,829
of like, I don't like that part because,

1627
00:57:22,449 --> 00:57:23,829
it's exhausting. But

1628
00:57:24,530 --> 00:57:26,085
so I actually yeah.

1629
00:57:26,885 --> 00:57:27,704
Big conversations

1630
00:57:28,964 --> 00:57:31,045
where I just I just kept my cool,

1631
00:57:31,045 --> 00:57:32,244
and I was like, okay. And tell me

1632
00:57:32,244 --> 00:57:33,684
about this and tell me about that. And

1633
00:57:33,684 --> 00:57:34,905
then at the end, because

1634
00:57:35,684 --> 00:57:37,684
look. I'm a smart ass bitch. I just

1635
00:57:37,684 --> 00:57:38,184
am.

1636
00:57:38,750 --> 00:57:39,250
After

1637
00:57:39,550 --> 00:57:40,609
everything and I

1638
00:57:40,989 --> 00:57:42,429
went back to them and was like, hey.

1639
00:57:42,429 --> 00:57:44,030
Do you remember that thing that thing where

1640
00:57:44,030 --> 00:57:45,309
I say you can tell me anything, I

1641
00:57:45,309 --> 00:57:47,150
will not freak out? And they go, yeah.

1642
00:57:47,150 --> 00:57:48,929
I'm like, do you believe me yet?

1643
00:57:49,869 --> 00:57:52,505
And I no. Because if I got trust

1644
00:57:52,505 --> 00:57:55,005
issues, that apparently is genetic for the youngest.

1645
00:57:56,025 --> 00:57:57,784
So it'll take a minute. But I was

1646
00:57:57,784 --> 00:57:59,704
like, okay. Okay. You're gonna you're gonna tell

1647
00:57:59,704 --> 00:58:02,025
me this stuff, and it's it's gonna it's

1648
00:58:02,025 --> 00:58:03,784
fine. It's fine. We'll deal with it. We'll

1649
00:58:03,784 --> 00:58:05,099
deal with it. We'll deal with it.

1650
00:58:05,660 --> 00:58:07,739
Are you safe? Are you well? Okay. That's

1651
00:58:07,739 --> 00:58:09,039
what matters. That's what matters.

1652
00:58:10,539 --> 00:58:11,360
Yay, parenting.

1653
00:58:14,470 --> 00:58:14,970
So,

1654
00:58:18,675 --> 00:58:19,175
the

1655
00:58:19,474 --> 00:58:21,715
for podcast listeners, by the time you hear

1656
00:58:21,715 --> 00:58:23,315
the sound of our voice, it's over. For

1657
00:58:23,315 --> 00:58:25,155
anybody watching on the live stream, it's actually

1658
00:58:25,155 --> 00:58:25,894
still happening.

1659
00:58:26,195 --> 00:58:27,574
The, Dom Sub,

1660
00:58:27,875 --> 00:58:30,035
dynamic virtual summit, as of the time of

1661
00:58:30,035 --> 00:58:32,260
recording, is still going on. Seems to be

1662
00:58:32,260 --> 00:58:33,400
going fairly well.

1663
00:58:35,859 --> 00:58:38,579
For YouTube folks who will see this by

1664
00:58:38,579 --> 00:58:40,659
Thursday at I don't know what time, you

1665
00:58:40,659 --> 00:58:42,659
can still sign up if you want.

1666
00:58:43,139 --> 00:58:44,980
The free ticket, you only get access to

1667
00:58:44,980 --> 00:58:46,364
what's currently happening. But,

1668
00:58:47,244 --> 00:58:47,985
if you have

1669
00:58:48,445 --> 00:58:50,144
room in your budget, you can buy

1670
00:58:51,164 --> 00:58:53,164
lifetime access so you can watch the stuff

1671
00:58:53,164 --> 00:58:54,144
you missed too.

1672
00:58:54,844 --> 00:58:56,704
But, yeah, that seems to be going

1673
00:58:57,164 --> 00:58:57,985
really well.

1674
00:58:59,780 --> 00:59:01,880
I was in the middle during our session,

1675
00:59:02,019 --> 00:59:03,300
I was in the middle of doing, like,

1676
00:59:03,300 --> 00:59:04,199
85 things

1677
00:59:04,579 --> 00:59:06,900
on deadline. So I was like, oh, okay.

1678
00:59:06,900 --> 00:59:07,639
Never mind.

1679
00:59:08,019 --> 00:59:08,839
Never mind.

1680
00:59:09,139 --> 00:59:10,519
And and spending

1681
00:59:10,820 --> 00:59:12,644
let's have been a week now

1682
00:59:13,345 --> 00:59:15,025
back and forth with our tech person of

1683
00:59:15,025 --> 00:59:17,184
why isn't the kinkery working properly? Why can't

1684
00:59:17,184 --> 00:59:18,625
I get here? Why is it giving me

1685
00:59:18,625 --> 00:59:21,045
that error message? What is happening? Yeah.

1686
00:59:21,505 --> 00:59:24,005
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

1687
00:59:24,305 --> 00:59:26,325
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

1688
00:59:26,670 --> 00:59:27,569
It's fine.

1689
00:59:29,150 --> 00:59:31,469
So yeah. Mhmm. It's that's there's not a

1690
00:59:31,469 --> 00:59:33,150
lot. I'm too hot to think of anything.

1691
00:59:33,150 --> 00:59:34,349
That's part of it. I feel like my

1692
00:59:34,429 --> 00:59:36,429
tired. I know. I'm not asking you to

1693
00:59:36,429 --> 00:59:37,250
think of anything.

1694
00:59:38,670 --> 00:59:40,349
But I feel like my brain is melting,

1695
00:59:40,349 --> 00:59:42,644
and I just cannot Yeah. Thoughts will not

1696
00:59:42,644 --> 00:59:45,204
stick in. I know. So, yeah, we're same

1697
00:59:45,204 --> 00:59:46,344
old same old. Mhmm.

1698
00:59:47,045 --> 00:59:49,285
Other than I'm melting and you're exhausting. Yep.

1699
00:59:49,285 --> 00:59:52,664
Exhausted. Not exhausting. I'm exhausting. You're just exhausted.

1700
00:59:53,525 --> 00:59:55,204
Wow. That was a bad slip of the

1701
00:59:55,204 --> 00:59:56,105
tongue. Oh.

1702
00:59:56,565 --> 00:59:58,331
That was a bad slip of the tongue.

1703
00:59:58,331 --> 01:00:01,496
Before you even slip there, something you're not

1704
01:00:01,496 --> 01:00:04,661
telling me? No. No. I promise you. I

1705
01:00:04,661 --> 01:00:07,826
know who was the exhausted one in this

1706
01:00:07,826 --> 01:00:10,991
relationship. And I know who made them that

1707
01:00:10,991 --> 01:00:14,244
way. So it's okay. It's okay. But for

1708
01:00:14,244 --> 01:00:15,684
the sake of you maybe getting a nap,

1709
01:00:15,684 --> 01:00:18,425
and I guess we can go. And, I'll

1710
01:00:18,644 --> 01:00:20,565
I'll have less clothes on in a good

1711
01:00:20,565 --> 01:00:22,164
five minutes because I'm too damn hot. I

1712
01:00:22,164 --> 01:00:22,664
know.

1713
01:00:23,925 --> 01:00:24,425
Okay.

1714
01:00:25,045 --> 01:00:26,804
Thank y'all for being here, especially to the

1715
01:00:26,804 --> 01:00:29,500
bitter end. Right. We We'll see y'all next

1716
01:00:29,500 --> 01:00:31,839
time. Uh-huh. Okay. Bye. Bye.